Just for women – the male sociopath attitudes towards sex, and cognitive learning in childhood

If you dig into the past of a Sociopath, and look at his childhood, almost always there will be an unhealthy relationship between the male sociopath and the mother. I was often told (and didn’t listen) – but did teach my daughters…. ‘if you want to know how a man will treat you look at:

a) How your partners father treats his mother (what is their relationship like?)

b) What is your partners own relationship like with his mother?

The childhood relationship between mother and son are two important developmental processes for a male, and when it is not ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ you are at risk of meeting a partner who will be abusive towards you, later in the relationship. Either, physically, mentally, sexually and/or financially.

Why is the relationship with the mother so important?

The first relationship that we ever have in life, is the relationship that we have with our mother. In pregnancy, even in the womb, we are connecting with our mother. This article from BBC advises how as early as 3 months before the end of pregnancy, we can hear our mother whilst in the womb http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-21572520

Other reports go further and suggest that the baby can in the womb be able to recognize love, happiness, sadness and stress. http://www.ehow.com/about_5393861_emotional-development-baby-womb.html#ixzz2Yv6BJsvm

It might appear that I am going off tangent. I have been (fortunate) to meet more than one Socio/Psychopath and all of their relationships with their mothers were not normal or healthy. None of them had ‘respect’ for their mother. A number of times, there had been abuse of the father towards the mother in childhood, or the mother was neglectful because of her own circumstances. I strongly believe that these very early relationships between child and mother, particularly with boys and their relationships with their mothers can strongly affect their cognitive developmental learning and how they later treat their future partner. It is the message that is received in childhood

1. How to treat a woman

2. Respect for a woman

3. Intimacy in the relationship

Observing the father as role model in childhood

Whilst the mother is the first ‘relationship’ that the sociopath develops in life, the father represents the first ‘role model’. How the father treats the mother in childhood, and the messages that are received from observing that interaction is important.

When the father is abusive towards the mother, when there is neglect, lack of respect, abuse, these are the first lessons that the sociopath learns about how to treat a woman.

When the mother herself, is cold, uncaring, emotionally disconnected, selfish, and the sociopath is striving for the mothers attention and or love, these are the messages that the sociopath understands about how to have a relationship with a woman.

Sociopaths and sex

Sociopaths despite contrary opinion, DO feel a connection during sex. It is during sex though, that you will see the other side. What the Sociopath REALLY thinks of women. Sociopaths can do the following:

  • Have rough sex
  • Talk degradingly towards you
  • Role playing which is ‘off key’ and doesn’t appear right

Remember that for the Sociopath two things are important

  • Winning
  • Being in control (including, ownership and possession)

Sex can easily achieve both of those things. Which  can give the sociopath the ultimate high.

Sociopath mind switch during or after sex

Whilst ownership, control and winning are important to the Sociopath, as well as fulfilling narcissistic need for ego supply, you will see a switch in the sociopath mentality which can make you feel degraded. At first, to woo you into bed, the sociopath will be

  • Seductive
  • Charming
  • Mirroring

If the sociopath was sleeping with you as a final time (in their mind) – as a final score of ownership, before departing your life for good,  you could hear the sociopath:

  • Asking questions about previous relationships, making comparisons, and saying – no wonder ex left you….
  • Calling you names like slut, whore, cheap, easy, nasty etc
  • False accusations about your self worth, leaving you feeling degraded

What is really going on?

This sudden switch, can be very hurtful. The Sociopath has often put in a lot of energy to woo you and seduce you, and now they have changed and their reactions make you feel worthless.

Does the sociopath hate me? 

It’s not really about that. Remember that the Sociopath is:

  • Compulsive pathological liar
  • Lives for the moment and doesn’t make long term plans
  • Devious and manipulative to get what they want
  • Selfish
  • See’s others as merely as players in their game of life

The sociopaths real thinking of women

When the male sociopath puts the female victim down, and degrades you after sex, what he is really saying is how he feels about himself.

He does think these things, but they are not literally directed towards you. Although it does feel this way. This sense of hatred, is directed elsewhere in his past. Having sex with you, he achieves the ultimate high of winning and control. Then the reality of what he really thinks of  women sinks in.

Additionally, the sociopath doesn’t want you to go off with anyone else. Putting you down, ensures that your self esteem is kept low, so that you will not feel confident enough to leave. Deep inside himself the Sociopath is weak and has low self esteem, although he displays no fear, and is outwardly confident, charismatic and cocky. But beneath that outside sheen lies a man who does suffer with insecurities (which is why he is so good at playing victim).

The final act of sex with you

As the sociopath can see you as something that they own, a possession or an object, they might lure you back, or sleep with you one last time before discarding you altogether. At this point, you could be reeling, why did he do this?

Quite simply, because he could. And because the sociopath always has to end things his way, on his terms (its all about control). By sleeping with you one last time, in the sociopaths mind he is discarding you in his own way (which is how it makes you feel afterwards). This is a cold, calculated, deliberate act on the sociopaths part. To deliberately discard you.

Remember that the sociopath doesn’t think about YOUR feelings, or YOUR welfare. it is simply ‘what is in it for them’

Having sex with  you in this way, can also been seen as an act of  ‘punishment’, if they knew that source of supply was coming to an end, or you were just ending the relationship. In this circumstance, they would woo you, and lure you back, sleep with you only to walk out of the door, right afterwards. Almost always they have another source of supply lined up.

What makes sociopaths good in bed?

It has been reported that sociopaths are often good in bed, why is this?

  • The  ability to mirror you
  • The ability to be what you want/need
  • High sex drive (will never say no)
  • High stamina (can go for a long time)
  • The ability to role play (this is second nature)

Sex to most normal people, is a connection of two people. Either, ‘in love’ or ‘in lust’. The sociopath can experience lust (moreso than most other people), but it is the ability to be able to ‘mirror’ and be the perfect person, that creates (in the victims mind) that special connection. This is something that can be really confusing when the relationship ends -and also devastating when the sociopath then belittles what you thought was an incredible connection. You can wonder was ANYTHING real?

The connection that the sociopath felt with you, at that time, was real. For them it was real. They usually enjoy sex, it is the ultimate control and way of possessing someone to the exclusion of others. Of course they enjoyed it. In fact a lot of sociopaths enjoy it almost too much, and want to share this skill with as many women as possible!!

Sexual patterns and the relationship with the mother

It might have seemed that I had gone off on a tangent, describing first of all the relationship with the mother, the father, and then talking about sex. But it is all interconnected. To discuss the male sociopaths attitude towards women, you need to understand why this is related to childhood, and attitudes that were formed in childhood through

  • The first relationship the sociopath had (with the mother)
  • The first role model witnessed (with the father)

These first role models in life, in childhood can form strong beliefs and attachments which can continue to replay throughout the sociopaths adulthood. It can set up opinions about worth.

What were your experiences? What was the sociopath in your life relationship like with his parents?

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013


147 thoughts on “Just for women – the male sociopath attitudes towards sex, and cognitive learning in childhood”

  1. Mine is constantly asking his mother for her opinion. He asked me and then asked his mother and would go with what his mother suggested.
    His father always seemed to be either absent or angry- he did now allow his wife (sociopaths mother) to sit down and take a rest after cleaning the house because he was coming home (i could not understand that one).
    He also always said that his ADD was at fault for being so cold towards me or permanently forgetting things.
    He used prostitutes for several years (without my knowledge) and claimed he did not know how many women he had spept with (?).
    I am having a hard time getting over all of this- not sure if i can ever trust again.

  2. My ex was treated very coldly by his mother. His father was very controlling. Both treated him badly, he could do no right while his brother could do no wrong. There is suspicion that the father isn’t biologically his. Would explain why the ex was treated so differently . Mum did finally divorce dad saying she wanted to years before, but stayed because of the kids. I think she became trapped because of the dad taking on and adopting my ex. Therefore mum subconsciously blamed my ex.

  3. My ex was adopted by his uncle and Aunt. They told him who was his real mum (his dad s sister) when he was 18 out of thé blue. I know hé hates his father for not caring much about him and for not be loving towards his adopted mum, with who he has, according to him, à loving relationship. Can such a story be a catalyseur for him to become a sociopath?
    I still can not believe he might be one of them… difficult to accept that i was probably conned and what we had together was all fake. I Also can not comprehend how someone can not have any feelings and émotions. It s unbelievable to me.
    I have been feeling like a building in syria for months now and i just can not understand how i can feel so miserable for so long just for one Man at 43 years old. It some times feels like i am insane! I thought hé was the one… thé beginning of this story was just like a fairy tale. It was fantastic, very exciting and he was all over me… such a Charming gentleman… i remember thinking : this is too good to be true and this goes too quickly but i ignored my gutt feeling… i have been so silly. .. i wish i could have à proof am right to think he is à sociopath… i would feel relieved.

    1. Hi, yes I think it can be. Background and childhood really can be a determining factor and behaviour, I believe can be a triggered response from earlier treatment in childhood. What isn’t understood is why some people are affected by childhood in this way, and others can have equally as bad childhoods, yet not be affected. Is it because they are more sensitive? I don’t know? Knowing he is a sociopath, would be remote as few are ever diagnosed, and it wouldn’t change the truth of how he made you feel – about you.

  4. Somehow, I already knew he was going to leave during the sex that we had. So while we were laying in bed, quiet, I sat up and asked him “do you want me to leave now?” I acted as normal as possible cos I just felt like, if I did anything else I would start to cry. So he said nothing and just looked at me while I smiled at him. I got up to leave and I left. He did nothing. The next two days, I spent my day with a guy-friend (who I immediately fell in love with because he was so different than my sociopathic-ex). Anyways, my ex-bf caught me laughing with my friend and began interrogating him! I felt shocked and confused if anything and I lost it and “get lost or else”. My ex-bf looked less angry now and grinned at me -that twisted grin that he does when he tricks people- he mentioned how he had been dating a girl now and that it had been 6 months and he wanted a child with her! Now… we just broke up 2 days ago and he’s telling me he’s actually been with a girl for 6 months?! (It must be a lie, but I was so heartbroken). And then he knows that I always wanted to have a child, and I wanted him to be the dad, and he says that? Unbelievable. I didn’t want to make any more of a scene so I just nodded and smiled at him since I know it gets on his every nerve.
    But I have no idea what to think about this anymore?

    1. The thing is, with sociopaths, I think they usually run the same programme, you would have no clue that it was the last time you were having sex. There would be no warning signs at all. everything would be completely normal. This is the most spooky thing. If he was different tat last time, it would indicate someone with emotions?

  5. My spath story was that his mother had him very young. He says his biological father left him in the hospital and never looked back. His mother eventually married a man who was abusive physically to both his mother and him and was often unfaithful. He says his mother never protected him and neglected him to “party” with his step father. He almost excuses his father but resents his mother because he was her son and should have known better.

  6. Mine had a mother who was a raging, selfish, malignant narcissist. She left him and his father when he was very young and was in and out of his life over the years. She never took accountability for not being a good mother to him. She had her own life (living off of rich man after rich man…..) and wasn’t going to apologize to anyone for the decisions she had made.

    As an aside, she also treated her family (siblings and parents) the same way. She was there with her hand out if they were selling off property or her parents were gifting cash but wouldn’t even visit her mother when she was put in a nursing home.

    His father tried to make up for it, and he was a good man, but I think he was just kind of simple. He taught him how to hunt and fish and spent a lot of time with him but emotionally was not enough to make up for his mother not wanting anything to do with him. My Soc was indifferent towards his father. No matter what his father did for him, he didn’t value it. His father constantly reached out to do things together and the Soc just didn’t care. He felt nothing for the man. He was polite to his father, but his father may just have well been a stranger to him.

    As an adult, if he saw his mother once every 3 years, it was something. She always lived out of state. He tried though. He reached out to her all the time. He was never nicer to anyone than her. He never did more for anyone than her. I had seen some of their communications. He really put the effort into his emails to her. (an email to me was one or two sentences. An email to her was 3 pages.) She responded back with “me, me, me” and didn’t respond to anything he told her about his life.

    She never asked him how he was or cared about any details about his life. It destroyed him. Every holiday, every birthday, she wouldn’t even bother to contact him. When he would contact her, she would just talk at him about her fabulous life and not say one word about him or ask any questions.

    He HATED her, was angry and hurt by her indifference…………yet he never stopped trying to gain her love and attention.

    I figured out that I could not fill that hole for him, no matter how much I did or how hard I tried. And I also recognized that he was drawn to women who were nurturing and empathetic, but then once he drew them in to a romantic relationship, tore them down and got pleasure from hurting them.

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