If you dig into the past of a Sociopath, and look at his childhood, almost always there will be an unhealthy relationship between the male sociopath and the mother. I was often told (and didn’t listen) – but did teach my daughters…. ‘if you want to know how a man will treat you look at:
a) How your partners father treats his mother (what is their relationship like?)
b) What is your partners own relationship like with his mother?
The childhood relationship between mother and son are two important developmental processes for a male, and when it is not ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ you are at risk of meeting a partner who will be abusive towards you, later in the relationship. Either, physically, mentally, sexually and/or financially.
Why is the relationship with the mother so important?
The first relationship that we ever have in life, is the relationship that we have with our mother. In pregnancy, even in the womb, we are connecting with our mother. This article from BBC advises how as early as 3 months before the end of pregnancy, we can hear our mother whilst in the womb http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-21572520
Other reports go further and suggest that the baby can in the womb be able to recognize love, happiness, sadness and stress. http://www.ehow.com/about_5393861_emotional-development-baby-womb.html#ixzz2Yv6BJsvm
It might appear that I am going off tangent. I have been (fortunate) to meet more than one Socio/Psychopath and all of their relationships with their mothers were not normal or healthy. None of them had ‘respect’ for their mother. A number of times, there had been abuse of the father towards the mother in childhood, or the mother was neglectful because of her own circumstances. I strongly believe that these very early relationships between child and mother, particularly with boys and their relationships with their mothers can strongly affect their cognitive developmental learning and how they later treat their future partner. It is the message that is received in childhood
1. How to treat a woman
2. Respect for a woman
3. Intimacy in the relationship
Observing the father as role model in childhood
Whilst the mother is the first ‘relationship’ that the sociopath develops in life, the father represents the first ‘role model’. How the father treats the mother in childhood, and the messages that are received from observing that interaction is important.
When the father is abusive towards the mother, when there is neglect, lack of respect, abuse, these are the first lessons that the sociopath learns about how to treat a woman.
When the mother herself, is cold, uncaring, emotionally disconnected, selfish, and the sociopath is striving for the mothers attention and or love, these are the messages that the sociopath understands about how to have a relationship with a woman.
Sociopaths and sex
Sociopaths despite contrary opinion, DO feel a connection during sex. It is during sex though, that you will see the other side. What the Sociopath REALLY thinks of women. Sociopaths can do the following:
- Have rough sex
- Talk degradingly towards you
- Role playing which is ‘off key’ and doesn’t appear right
Remember that for the Sociopath two things are important
- Being in control (including, ownership and possession)
Sex can easily achieve both of those things. Which can give the sociopath the ultimate high.
Sociopath mind switch during or after sex
Whilst ownership, control and winning are important to the Sociopath, as well as fulfilling narcissistic need for ego supply, you will see a switch in the sociopath mentality which can make you feel degraded. At first, to woo you into bed, the sociopath will be
If the sociopath was sleeping with you as a final time (in their mind) – as a final score of ownership, before departing your life for good, you could hear the sociopath:
- Asking questions about previous relationships, making comparisons, and saying – no wonder ex left you….
- Calling you names like slut, whore, cheap, easy, nasty etc
- False accusations about your self worth, leaving you feeling degraded
What is really going on?
This sudden switch, can be very hurtful. The Sociopath has often put in a lot of energy to woo you and seduce you, and now they have changed and their reactions make you feel worthless.
Does the sociopath hate me?
It’s not really about that. Remember that the Sociopath is:
- Compulsive pathological liar
- Lives for the moment and doesn’t make long term plans
- Devious and manipulative to get what they want
- See’s others as merely as players in their game of life
The sociopaths real thinking of women
When the male sociopath puts the female victim down, and degrades you after sex, what he is really saying is how he feels about himself.
He does think these things, but they are not literally directed towards you. Although it does feel this way. This sense of hatred, is directed elsewhere in his past. Having sex with you, he achieves the ultimate high of winning and control. Then the reality of what he really thinks of women sinks in.
Additionally, the sociopath doesn’t want you to go off with anyone else. Putting you down, ensures that your self esteem is kept low, so that you will not feel confident enough to leave. Deep inside himself the Sociopath is weak and has low self esteem, although he displays no fear, and is outwardly confident, charismatic and cocky. But beneath that outside sheen lies a man who does suffer with insecurities (which is why he is so good at playing victim).
The final act of sex with you
As the sociopath can see you as something that they own, a possession or an object, they might lure you back, or sleep with you one last time before discarding you altogether. At this point, you could be reeling, why did he do this?
Quite simply, because he could. And because the sociopath always has to end things his way, on his terms (its all about control). By sleeping with you one last time, in the sociopaths mind he is discarding you in his own way (which is how it makes you feel afterwards). This is a cold, calculated, deliberate act on the sociopaths part. To deliberately discard you.
Remember that the sociopath doesn’t think about YOUR feelings, or YOUR welfare. it is simply ‘what is in it for them’
Having sex with you in this way, can also been seen as an act of ‘punishment’, if they knew that source of supply was coming to an end, or you were just ending the relationship. In this circumstance, they would woo you, and lure you back, sleep with you only to walk out of the door, right afterwards. Almost always they have another source of supply lined up.
What makes sociopaths good in bed?
It has been reported that sociopaths are often good in bed, why is this?
- The ability to mirror you
- The ability to be what you want/need
- High sex drive (will never say no)
- High stamina (can go for a long time)
- The ability to role play (this is second nature)
Sex to most normal people, is a connection of two people. Either, ‘in love’ or ‘in lust’. The sociopath can experience lust (moreso than most other people), but it is the ability to be able to ‘mirror’ and be the perfect person, that creates (in the victims mind) that special connection. This is something that can be really confusing when the relationship ends -and also devastating when the sociopath then belittles what you thought was an incredible connection. You can wonder was ANYTHING real?
The connection that the sociopath felt with you, at that time, was real. For them it was real. They usually enjoy sex, it is the ultimate control and way of possessing someone to the exclusion of others. Of course they enjoyed it. In fact a lot of sociopaths enjoy it almost too much, and want to share this skill with as many women as possible!!
Sexual patterns and the relationship with the mother
It might have seemed that I had gone off on a tangent, describing first of all the relationship with the mother, the father, and then talking about sex. But it is all interconnected. To discuss the male sociopaths attitude towards women, you need to understand why this is related to childhood, and attitudes that were formed in childhood through
- The first relationship the sociopath had (with the mother)
- The first role model witnessed (with the father)
These first role models in life, in childhood can form strong beliefs and attachments which can continue to replay throughout the sociopaths adulthood. It can set up opinions about worth.
What were your experiences? What was the sociopath in your life relationship like with his parents?
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
172 thoughts on “Just for women – the male sociopath attitudes towards sex, and cognitive learning in childhood”
Mine is constantly asking his mother for her opinion. He asked me and then asked his mother and would go with what his mother suggested.
His father always seemed to be either absent or angry- he did now allow his wife (sociopaths mother) to sit down and take a rest after cleaning the house because he was coming home (i could not understand that one).
He also always said that his ADD was at fault for being so cold towards me or permanently forgetting things.
He used prostitutes for several years (without my knowledge) and claimed he did not know how many women he had spept with (?).
I am having a hard time getting over all of this- not sure if i can ever trust again.
My ex was treated very coldly by his mother. His father was very controlling. Both treated him badly, he could do no right while his brother could do no wrong. There is suspicion that the father isn’t biologically his. Would explain why the ex was treated so differently . Mum did finally divorce dad saying she wanted to years before, but stayed because of the kids. I think she became trapped because of the dad taking on and adopting my ex. Therefore mum subconsciously blamed my ex.
Ditto Michelle, he used this as an excuse a lot. It was like dealing with a child in an adult body a lot of the time.
RE: What makes sociopaths good in bed?
Lots of practice.
Gut-wrenching and completely reviling when finally arriving at the truth though in retrospect can definitely understand it and had even mentioned that he seems to have aquired a skillset which of course his response was that he was merely responding to me, that women in his past didn’t enjoy sex which I knew was a lie…he knew exactly what he was doing and had perfected his skill…
I even researched how this was possible since it seemed biologically impossible for a man, especially at 47 yo, to be able to become arroused multiple times within an hour and multiple times throughout the day. Seemed to defy any possibility (without medication) but of course he said it was me…just looking at me turned him on…and that it was purely mental…made it feel very special, interconnected and extremely rare…that we were together defying the norms…with this being a very deeply rooted bond. There was also a darker side I care not to mention with details that were red flags as well. Just makes me literally nauseous that this lasted 6 months and I don’t even want to know what he was doing when away for “work.”
Family dynamics were unusual as well with apparently his father moving away from the family many years ago though remaining married to the faithful wife and still remains living in another town today. However, they are and were depicted as being happily married. Sociopath being the peacemaker through fathers PTSD and cancer diagnosis feeling as though he remains the peacemaker and continues to be the encouraging factor ensuring that all of his many siblings stay in contact. I would expect a lot of negotiating and beneficial manipulating to keep the family intact came into play during childhood (he is also the oldest of 6 so would have to feel like the head of household as well) and continues though the effect of his father’s removal from the home and wife remaining faithful raising her children alone has had an imapct as well…negatively affecting the sociopaths future relationships and is perhaps why he will never own up to his infidelity…the women he “chooses” to convince he is faithful must continue to believe it’s
true to maintain the relationship and appearance of a committed relationship remaining intact. And being older, needing to have a safe home base from where he can comfortably return after doing as he pleases would be desireable for any man without a moral compass in life. They will test your boundaries and believe they can devalue, degrade and debase you without properly analyzing the situation. Messy as they grow older (thank god)! He was in a 13 year marriage and can’t even begin to imagine the hell he put her through. If only we could form a first wives club! Internet is now an outlet and avenue to share our experiences and begin to heal helping one another not make the same mistakes again!
Hahaha, good comment..
My ex was adopted by his uncle and Aunt. They told him who was his real mum (his dad s sister) when he was 18 out of thé blue. I know hé hates his father for not caring much about him and for not be loving towards his adopted mum, with who he has, according to him, à loving relationship. Can such a story be a catalyseur for him to become a sociopath?
I still can not believe he might be one of them… difficult to accept that i was probably conned and what we had together was all fake. I Also can not comprehend how someone can not have any feelings and émotions. It s unbelievable to me.
I have been feeling like a building in syria for months now and i just can not understand how i can feel so miserable for so long just for one Man at 43 years old. It some times feels like i am insane! I thought hé was the one… thé beginning of this story was just like a fairy tale. It was fantastic, very exciting and he was all over me… such a Charming gentleman… i remember thinking : this is too good to be true and this goes too quickly but i ignored my gutt feeling… i have been so silly. .. i wish i could have à proof am right to think he is à sociopath… i would feel relieved.
Hi, yes I think it can be. Background and childhood really can be a determining factor and behaviour, I believe can be a triggered response from earlier treatment in childhood. What isn’t understood is why some people are affected by childhood in this way, and others can have equally as bad childhoods, yet not be affected. Is it because they are more sensitive? I don’t know? Knowing he is a sociopath, would be remote as few are ever diagnosed, and it wouldn’t change the truth of how he made you feel – about you.
I do not usually post on line. After reading about sociopaths and the people they hurt, I am compelled to.
Just about everything I have read here, I have experienced in my (long-term ex).
I worked with this man, he had so much time to asses me and he did an amazing job!! I wish I knew about mirroring before I met him. It is unbelievable how much time, effort and money he put into wooing me, my family and my friends. I truly felt like I was in a fantasy. He was an “unhappily married man”. I now, in this hour after officially breaking up over a year ago know that everything he has ever told me about him personally and his home life is just a lie.
A coworker exposed our relationship to his wife early on and this poor woman called me and eventually told me that he had asked her for a divorce. This made me believe that he truly was unhappy and planned to be with me.
He moved out of his house or at least he rented an apartment and we spent most nights together. He suffocated me, constantly calling, texting, love bombing with gifts, food, cash and time. Thank you everyone that has contributed to this blog. You have helped me acknowledge exactly who he is and what he has been doing.
I am a successful, attractive, confident and independent woman, still I was taken advantage of. People thought and spoke highly of me at work and not as much of him. He was not the most attractive man, but very responsible at work. I believe now that he meant to take this away from me in order to make himself seem more attractive and maybe macho.
He was a very charming man. His wife told me early on before he “left home to be with me”, that he in fact was very charming but that he was a liar. She was absolutely correct.
This man created such a fantasy and never gave me room to breathe. He filled his new apartment with everything I liked and used from the brand of soap, toilet tissue and detergents to freshly made and new to me gluten and lactose free foods which was a brand new allergy I had learned about.
He purchased all of my household needs, cooked, cleaned and tried to isolate me from my family and friends. The first time we broke up, I almost broke down going into my neighborhood grocer. I hadn’t been in there the entire time we had been together (1 year). He provided everything! He was a master at creating a false sense of security. He was very jealous, manipulative and would get very angry when he didn’t get his way. He wanted me to stay home with him all the time. I see now how he was trying to mirror my life so he could take it from me. He actually told me that it made him uncomfortable that I had a large groups of friends. He was even threatened by the relationship I had with my parents.
Ladies, do not take the blame for his deceit, sociopaths are diabolical. Take small steps to getting back to who you really are. It has been a long road to recovery, one that I felt I could not get through…without him! Yes. He left and went back home out of the blue before Thanksgiving and completely shattered my world. He had been talking about us getting married and having kids and I bought it. I never felt I needed those things before him and he implanted the need and then left me for his wife and her kids. I was devastated enough continue to see him, wanting and “needing” him to continue to be my friend. Each time I tried to break away, he would claim an illness. He is a sick, sick man alright. That does not make you weak or less than. Know that.
Somehow, I already knew he was going to leave during the sex that we had. So while we were laying in bed, quiet, I sat up and asked him “do you want me to leave now?” I acted as normal as possible cos I just felt like, if I did anything else I would start to cry. So he said nothing and just looked at me while I smiled at him. I got up to leave and I left. He did nothing. The next two days, I spent my day with a guy-friend (who I immediately fell in love with because he was so different than my sociopathic-ex). Anyways, my ex-bf caught me laughing with my friend and began interrogating him! I felt shocked and confused if anything and I lost it and “get lost or else”. My ex-bf looked less angry now and grinned at me -that twisted grin that he does when he tricks people- he mentioned how he had been dating a girl now and that it had been 6 months and he wanted a child with her! Now… we just broke up 2 days ago and he’s telling me he’s actually been with a girl for 6 months?! (It must be a lie, but I was so heartbroken). And then he knows that I always wanted to have a child, and I wanted him to be the dad, and he says that? Unbelievable. I didn’t want to make any more of a scene so I just nodded and smiled at him since I know it gets on his every nerve.
But I have no idea what to think about this anymore?
The thing is, with sociopaths, I think they usually run the same programme, you would have no clue that it was the last time you were having sex. There would be no warning signs at all. everything would be completely normal. This is the most spooky thing. If he was different tat last time, it would indicate someone with emotions?
My spath story was that his mother had him very young. He says his biological father left him in the hospital and never looked back. His mother eventually married a man who was abusive physically to both his mother and him and was often unfaithful. He says his mother never protected him and neglected him to “party” with his step father. He almost excuses his father but resents his mother because he was her son and should have known better.
Common story child issues particularly with the mother with sociopaths.
Yes. Both of my sociopaths have since over 10 years no contact with the mother. My high school friend called his father a b….
His mother a b…..with his father he had no contact.
Often goes right back to childhood.
Sounds like we dated the same guy. LOL
Mine had a mother who was a raging, selfish, malignant narcissist. She left him and his father when he was very young and was in and out of his life over the years. She never took accountability for not being a good mother to him. She had her own life (living off of rich man after rich man…..) and wasn’t going to apologize to anyone for the decisions she had made.
As an aside, she also treated her family (siblings and parents) the same way. She was there with her hand out if they were selling off property or her parents were gifting cash but wouldn’t even visit her mother when she was put in a nursing home.
His father tried to make up for it, and he was a good man, but I think he was just kind of simple. He taught him how to hunt and fish and spent a lot of time with him but emotionally was not enough to make up for his mother not wanting anything to do with him. My Soc was indifferent towards his father. No matter what his father did for him, he didn’t value it. His father constantly reached out to do things together and the Soc just didn’t care. He felt nothing for the man. He was polite to his father, but his father may just have well been a stranger to him.
As an adult, if he saw his mother once every 3 years, it was something. She always lived out of state. He tried though. He reached out to her all the time. He was never nicer to anyone than her. He never did more for anyone than her. I had seen some of their communications. He really put the effort into his emails to her. (an email to me was one or two sentences. An email to her was 3 pages.) She responded back with “me, me, me” and didn’t respond to anything he told her about his life.
She never asked him how he was or cared about any details about his life. It destroyed him. Every holiday, every birthday, she wouldn’t even bother to contact him. When he would contact her, she would just talk at him about her fabulous life and not say one word about him or ask any questions.
He HATED her, was angry and hurt by her indifference…………yet he never stopped trying to gain her love and attention.
I figured out that I could not fill that hole for him, no matter how much I did or how hard I tried. And I also recognized that he was drawn to women who were nurturing and empathetic, but then once he drew them in to a romantic relationship, tore them down and got pleasure from hurting them.
I met this guy who wanted me to treat him like a slut in bed….we had sex once but I noticed he talks alot during sex and that’s a new one for me. How do I treat him like a slut? Someone pls fill me in
What makes you think he is a sociopath April? I have no idea what the answer to your question is.
i say pretend you’re his pimp, slap him on his a$$ and send him on his way to one of them all men sites/clubs. Just from what you wrote, he sounds gay. I’m js. No disrespect or anything….:)
I think the man I got myself entangled with as a husband is more of a psychopath than a sociopath; and tell you no lie, he hates and disrespects his mother so much; all my life never have I seen a man detest his mom so much, it has always been the other way round where I know men love their mothers.
And yes, his father abused their mother as well, although he never told me this, he instead blame his mom for every quarrel his parents had, but from what I’ve seen myself, the father was and maybe still is a chronic abuser, he successfully pushed every single family responsibility to his wife, while he does nothing other than demand respect and argue senselessly yet hated this same woman and pitched all his children against his own wife. I think the man himself is also a psychopath.
I am still with my husband but having now discovered who he really is, but without having known yet, how he’s able to degrade me, disgrace me, abuse me mentally, emotionally, physically and financially with not one iota of remorse. I am beginning to take my time to plot my escape route. Please pray for me. He’s been worried that the usual me who would react to his mind games that always involved twisting of truths, labeling me a liar, threatening me about losing him to another woman etc suddenly ignores all his attempts to upset me, I’m sure he might be plotting something right now as he hasn’t stopped stalking me through video calls.
I wouldn’t mind more tips on how to escape the jaws of this emotionally devoid, manipulative and pathological lying and blaming creature. Why on earth do these reptiles exist in the first place?
I was often more scared by the silence. It either meant he was plotting something, or he was with someone else and otherwise distracted (but likely this would also mean talking bad about me to make him look good). You say that he hasn’t stopped stalking you through video calls, you mean calling you through video?
Yes, that’s what I meant; but gladly, he can’t even call again on video as he’s blocked me himself out of anger for not responding to his mind games and false accusations this time.
He’s sent over 50 messages twisting everything I’ve said to him recently and lying even more about them but I chose to not say another word so they don’t get twisted again, I think my silence is either spiting him or making him uncomfortable; only just realised he’s blocked me lol.
I need wisdom to escape. I’ve been true hell and only seem happy because just 3 days ago my eyes became open and I’ve been able to discover the real identity of this monster, now understood how he’s able to always rile me up the way nobody else ever have. Now that I know, it’s been a bit easier on my part. Don’t care much about the scandal right now, securing my life being my biggest priority.
I need prayers and more advice please.
Ugh they are like robots. Repeating same pattern of behaviour over and over. I went through this many times over. By the end of it I lived constantly in fear.
Ruining and smear campaigns or threats of when they cannot get their own way, is the worst. Sadly this is the time when you get to see behind the mask, and who they REALLY are.
It can be quite shocking. As the contrast in personality is so vast. Who you see behind the mask, and the charismatic character stood in front of you. It is designed to manipulate and control you, to wear you down, break you down and to get you to submit to their way.
Good that he has blocked you, let him go. Unlikely he is gone for good if he was sending 50 messages, he is mad. And his mind will go into overdrive how he can ‘get you back’ I think that this is the worst part of dating a psycho. As it can be sustained on and on, and you see your losses increasing.
Protect yourself, your life and your assets. Warn people close to you. Make the decision that you need to take care of you now. REmember that these people do not have a conscience and he will think nothing of ruining you. Sending prayers for you, You can do this. I hope you have a support network around you, It doesn’t last forever,although it can feel like it. If he continues to harass you, report him to the police. This would mean that he would be dealing with them,not you, they HATE this.
Thank you so much for this, it sure will go a long way. Now, I know I’ll have to report to the police.
Never knew such people existed, never heard of one in my life, so sad I had to learn about it with a first hand experience myself.
Please be very careful and seek legal advise ensuring that you make a very concrete, logical plan. Set aside all of your emotions and think more in a very articulate, directed mode. Think of the worse, possible outcome and make proper preparations because the worse possible outcome will certainly be which angle he plays and tries to achieve!
This site is so great. I found out I’m not the crazy one! The parent issues are on point. My ex had a messed up childhood. Father abused the mother, unfaithful, womanizer. Everyone was afraid of him. Unless he poured on the charm, of course. Power is what they want. Now my son, my only child with him, is showing signs and I’m frightened. Him and his gf, who was unfaithful, are always fighting. He lives with his father and the gf, of course she is obedient. Well they have an arrangement, she is his slave, he is the Dom. My son sees them argue all the time. He has no respect for her. So I don’t know how to handle my son. He hasn’t been talking to me. It’s on and off for months at a time. All the lies he was fed. I’m trying hard not to cry all the time. My son is cracking from the pressure. What do I do?
While I think psychopathy somebody is born with, sociopathy is created by childhood trauma. I did a poll on the site once and asked people, what was the history in childhood with their ex partner, almost all talked of what you describe. I witnessed the same. Why does your son live with his father? Could you get access for him?
Why because at 9 years old he got my son to lie for him. So he got him away from me. How I still dont understand. There was no proof of any violence. EMS report that nothing was wrong. Police had to take a report. That day I brought my son to the precinct at 10 am, that’s where I had to have them because he was always verbally abusive to me. Well his gf picked my son up. Now if what he said was true, they would have stopped me right then and there. So would the gf. However he decides to go to the precinct at around 5pm and make a report that I slammed his head at the wall a few times! I found out this when i went to pick him back up and he didn’t show. I went to the court on Monday to report it. The judge tells me this in the meanest way ever. We went to a few sessions and somehow he won. I don’t get it. But I think he paid off the forensics guy. Oh and he was a corrections officer, peace officer. He also cried a lot so they figured I really done him wrong. Why would a big guy cry….boo frickety hoo!
So now I’m sure my son resents me for all the court sessions we had, especially child support sessions, his father got him involved with them which he wasn’t supposed to, of course. He should have never told him anything about it. He didn’t care what it would do in the future to my sin. It was just getting back at me for leaving him. Now the kid can’t even make a decision about anything. It makes me angry and sad. He’s a loving guy but he has his father’s temper, scary….
Oh and I can’t access him because if I go near the house he will call the police on me and make up a story. He already did this and got me arrested. I used him for false
arrest and I won. He even got my son up there to lie for him again! This time old enough to know. He didn’t even look at me, I was in tears. But his testimony was proven a lie cause it didn’t match up to what his father said. I won but even in victory he made me look like the bad guy again. Making him use his money on a lawyer’s and he couldn’t give him money for a college. Again I lose in my sons eyes. My ex is a real winner alright. Boo hoo I say.
Lol, who said sociopaths are good lovers? So not true. They are egoistic in bed and don’t care what you really want or don’t want.
They mirror you, to get what they want. Feedback from lots of people agree. They can be very charismatic, very sexually charged. Focused on you – are you sure you are not talking about a Narcissist?