Just for women – the male sociopath attitudes towards sex, and cognitive learning in childhood

If you dig into the past of a Sociopath, and look at his childhood, almost always there will be an unhealthy relationship between the male sociopath and the mother. I was often told (and didn’t listen) – but did teach my daughters…. ‘if you want to know how a man will treat you look at:

a) How your partners father treats his mother (what is their relationship like?)

b) What is your partners own relationship like with his mother?

The childhood relationship between mother and son are two important developmental processes for a male, and when it is not ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ you are at risk of meeting a partner who will be abusive towards you, later in the relationship. Either, physically, mentally, sexually and/or financially.

Why is the relationship with the mother so important?

The first relationship that we ever have in life, is the relationship that we have with our mother. In pregnancy, even in the womb, we are connecting with our mother. This article from BBC advises how as early as 3 months before the end of pregnancy, we can hear our mother whilst in the womb http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-21572520

Other reports go further and suggest that the baby can in the womb be able to recognize love, happiness, sadness and stress. http://www.ehow.com/about_5393861_emotional-development-baby-womb.html#ixzz2Yv6BJsvm

It might appear that I am going off tangent. I have been (fortunate) to meet more than one Socio/Psychopath and all of their relationships with their mothers were not normal or healthy. None of them had ‘respect’ for their mother. A number of times, there had been abuse of the father towards the mother in childhood, or the mother was neglectful because of her own circumstances. I strongly believe that these very early relationships between child and mother, particularly with boys and their relationships with their mothers can strongly affect their cognitive developmental learning and how they later treat their future partner. It is the message that is received in childhood

1. How to treat a woman

2. Respect for a woman

3. Intimacy in the relationship

Observing the father as role model in childhood

Whilst the mother is the first ‘relationship’ that the sociopath develops in life, the father represents the first ‘role model’. How the father treats the mother in childhood, and the messages that are received from observing that interaction is important.

When the father is abusive towards the mother, when there is neglect, lack of respect, abuse, these are the first lessons that the sociopath learns about how to treat a woman.

When the mother herself, is cold, uncaring, emotionally disconnected, selfish, and the sociopath is striving for the mothers attention and or love, these are the messages that the sociopath understands about how to have a relationship with a woman.

Sociopaths and sex

Sociopaths despite contrary opinion, DO feel a connection during sex. It is during sex though, that you will see the other side. What the Sociopath REALLY thinks of women. Sociopaths can do the following:

  • Have rough sex
  • Talk degradingly towards you
  • Role playing which is ‘off key’ and doesn’t appear right

Remember that for the Sociopath two things are important

  • Winning
  • Being in control (including, ownership and possession)

Sex can easily achieve both of those things. Which  can give the sociopath the ultimate high.

Sociopath mind switch during or after sex

Whilst ownership, control and winning are important to the Sociopath, as well as fulfilling narcissistic need for ego supply, you will see a switch in the sociopath mentality which can make you feel degraded. At first, to woo you into bed, the sociopath will be

  • Seductive
  • Charming
  • Mirroring

If the sociopath was sleeping with you as a final time (in their mind) – as a final score of ownership, before departing your life for good,  you could hear the sociopath:

  • Asking questions about previous relationships, making comparisons, and saying – no wonder ex left you….
  • Calling you names like slut, whore, cheap, easy, nasty etc
  • False accusations about your self worth, leaving you feeling degraded

What is really going on?

This sudden switch, can be very hurtful. The Sociopath has often put in a lot of energy to woo you and seduce you, and now they have changed and their reactions make you feel worthless.

Does the sociopath hate me? 

It’s not really about that. Remember that the Sociopath is:

  • Compulsive pathological liar
  • Lives for the moment and doesn’t make long term plans
  • Devious and manipulative to get what they want
  • Selfish
  • See’s others as merely as players in their game of life

The sociopaths real thinking of women

When the male sociopath puts the female victim down, and degrades you after sex, what he is really saying is how he feels about himself.

He does think these things, but they are not literally directed towards you. Although it does feel this way. This sense of hatred, is directed elsewhere in his past. Having sex with you, he achieves the ultimate high of winning and control. Then the reality of what he really thinks of  women sinks in.

Additionally, the sociopath doesn’t want you to go off with anyone else. Putting you down, ensures that your self esteem is kept low, so that you will not feel confident enough to leave. Deep inside himself the Sociopath is weak and has low self esteem, although he displays no fear, and is outwardly confident, charismatic and cocky. But beneath that outside sheen lies a man who does suffer with insecurities (which is why he is so good at playing victim).

The final act of sex with you

As the sociopath can see you as something that they own, a possession or an object, they might lure you back, or sleep with you one last time before discarding you altogether. At this point, you could be reeling, why did he do this?

Quite simply, because he could. And because the sociopath always has to end things his way, on his terms (its all about control). By sleeping with you one last time, in the sociopaths mind he is discarding you in his own way (which is how it makes you feel afterwards). This is a cold, calculated, deliberate act on the sociopaths part. To deliberately discard you.

Remember that the sociopath doesn’t think about YOUR feelings, or YOUR welfare. it is simply ‘what is in it for them’

Having sex with  you in this way, can also been seen as an act of  ‘punishment’, if they knew that source of supply was coming to an end, or you were just ending the relationship. In this circumstance, they would woo you, and lure you back, sleep with you only to walk out of the door, right afterwards. Almost always they have another source of supply lined up.

What makes sociopaths good in bed?

It has been reported that sociopaths are often good in bed, why is this?

  • The  ability to mirror you
  • The ability to be what you want/need
  • High sex drive (will never say no)
  • High stamina (can go for a long time)
  • The ability to role play (this is second nature)

Sex to most normal people, is a connection of two people. Either, ‘in love’ or ‘in lust’. The sociopath can experience lust (moreso than most other people), but it is the ability to be able to ‘mirror’ and be the perfect person, that creates (in the victims mind) that special connection. This is something that can be really confusing when the relationship ends -and also devastating when the sociopath then belittles what you thought was an incredible connection. You can wonder was ANYTHING real?

The connection that the sociopath felt with you, at that time, was real. For them it was real. They usually enjoy sex, it is the ultimate control and way of possessing someone to the exclusion of others. Of course they enjoyed it. In fact a lot of sociopaths enjoy it almost too much, and want to share this skill with as many women as possible!!

Sexual patterns and the relationship with the mother

It might have seemed that I had gone off on a tangent, describing first of all the relationship with the mother, the father, and then talking about sex. But it is all interconnected. To discuss the male sociopaths attitude towards women, you need to understand why this is related to childhood, and attitudes that were formed in childhood through

  • The first relationship the sociopath had (with the mother)
  • The first role model witnessed (with the father)

These first role models in life, in childhood can form strong beliefs and attachments which can continue to replay throughout the sociopaths adulthood. It can set up opinions about worth.

What were your experiences? What was the sociopath in your life relationship like with his parents?

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013

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172 thoughts on “Just for women – the male sociopath attitudes towards sex, and cognitive learning in childhood”

    1. Omg! This is exactly what I saw but for some reason I think he truly opened up & showed his true feelings.
      Towards the end he was completely shut himself off.

      1. I agree. I think I stayed in it because I wanted to make sure he wasn’t what in my heart I knew he was.. It’s the mother in me wanting to protect. So weird.. I will never ever do that again..

    2. I know when i read other people’s experiences i feel sick at how exactly my ex is described. It is seriously creepy.

    3. This is mostly very true and unfortunately i have a lot of experience here… however, i think this article makes a few unfair assumptions- it is overly empathetic towards socio/psychopaths, which is how most people will see things and allows them to get away with murder or find excuses for their behavior. They might even feign remorse or a ‘sad relationship’ with a mother figure, and that may have something to do with their state.. but it’s most likely another act of manipulation. The guy I dated had a loving and doting mother, though probably abusive father, and the rest of his family was fairly normal. They may not be able to care about others’ emotions or feel real sadness but they certainly care about their own and enjoy/get off on causing someone intimate with them emotional/physical and spiritual pain.. they are completely disconnected with morality but will always play the victim and avidly fight for their side of an issue- larger moral issues are not of concern to them.

      1. That is because 1. I have empathy (I am not a sociopath) 2. I spent most of my adult life working with statutory homeless. I tend not to judge – what is the point? I can walk away, whilst they remain the way that they are. The difficulty that I faced is not that I didn’t judge, but that i had to learn the lesson that I couldn’t fix.

      2. I agree Kasha, there is a limit when it comes to feeling sorry for these types. I lived with my spath for 13 years, 10 of which were the most miserable of my life, I ended up Clinically Depressed because of her, and attempted to end my life as a result.

        It’s since we broke up that she has revealed her true LYING colours to me. We have three children. Four years ago she made a false statement to police that resulted in my being disallowed from seeing my children.

        At the time she took out a Family Violence Order against me, she said at the time though that I failed to assault her then, and never had previously, the court believed her, because such was true.

        Thirteen months later, she returns to the same court, and she now claims I did assault her afterall some 13-months earlier, that I had done so in the past, and that I had even attempted to kill her once, and AMAZINGLY she was believed again, so she was believed by the court when she rightly claimed that I had failed to assault her, and she was believed when she changed her mind re the exact same event 13 months later.

        A year later she took out an extension of the Order based upon the fact that she considered me to be both a danger to her and our children, this was regardless of the fact that I had had nothing to do with her or our children in that preceding 12-month period (and for that very reason believe it or not), and naturally the Order was extended.

        I ran into my two eldest children after the extension of the Order at that time and they informed me that their mother had told them that I had NEVER ever assaulted her, and that I never wanted anything else to do with them as well. As luck would have it though, I handily had at a my disposal material evidence that debunked her false claims.

        I showed my children the paperwork relative to their mother’s 13-month later extension of the Order, and the reasons as to why, along with reference to her claiming me to be a safety risk to them, with it being the reason why I was no longer permitted to have anything to do with them. Thankfully they were both smart enough to realize that their mother had been lying to them as well, because both of them asked at the same time, “why is mom lying to us”.

        I have 16+ years of misery to pass on to others here re invovlement with a spath, so for anyone to assume I have little or no experience when it comes to understanding how a spath thinks and operates is way of the mark I’m pleased to say.

  1. My sociopath actually can not do a single thing without consulting his mother. NOTHING.. he called her constantly to get her opinion on this or that.. He would ask me my opinion then call his mother, then he would go with what she said.. I liked his mom, don’t get me wrong. But he really depended on her to make up his mind. He did tell me that when he was younger he was always in trouble with drugs and things he said he would never tell me about. He told me that his parents called the police once and had him physically removed from the house and sent him away to a work camp as a teenager. He also told me that is where they diagnosed him with a “chemical imbalance”.. When he did return home they sent him to take care of his grandparents and wasn’t allowed to move back home. So, how can he be so close to his mother now, not so much with his dad. He talks down to his dad and very highly of his mother. Is he trying to gain his mothers approval that he did not get as a child?? He loved the way I cooked and would often remark that I was better then his mom. He would also want me to wait on him hand and foot because “that is what kind of wife he wants”. His mother does not drive and depends on the father to take her places and do things for her. She is very docile from what I have seen and is a full on homemaker.. so is this relationship something you sometimes see with sociopaths??

    1. Omg sounds like mine to the T! I can’t believe how much these posts all sound like him all over again. It’s crazy!

  2. My spath did not have a good relationship with his mother as a child or as an adult. As a child it seemed like she neglected him and sending him off to other relatives when he acted up (his rap sheet started as a juveline delinquent-classic sociopath). The death of a younger sibling probably made it worse for him since that is when he really started getting into a lot of trouble. His dad wasn’t really in the picture. As an adult, he kinda feared her like a child would. I thought it was just him being respectful, but really who knows. I remember him referring to her as a “bitch who only cared about herself”. Hmmm…apple doesn’t fall far from the tree now does it?

    I think this post would easily apply (the parent issues, not the sex) to non-sociopaths as well. Funny thing is my spath was EXCELLENT in bed but also a little vanilla and didn’t do any of those things….each spath is different though.

    1. My Ex was pretty close with his mom, who I had/have a great friendship with over 5 years.

      I think what is important is to recognize a SPECTRUM. Some cases are more pronounced and others LESS.

      I wouldn’t say that my ex had actual respect for his mom, though he acted appropriately with her she was kind of a bckground static and often everything she did seemed to be a joke to him. Again, we see signs of a feigned “normal relationship” but it wasn’t really that deep. Shallow aspect- again.

  3. You are an angel. I know there is plenty of information out there on these types of people, but when it comes from you it is so easy to relate. Every single time I read one of your posts I get so angry…angry beyond words. It’s not because I take offense to your words, but because I know how true they are. Sociopaths are worthless people. There simply is no way to comprehend a person who gets off on hurting others simply because they can. I can’t understand and I’m sure I will never understand why people like this exist. I would love the ability to turn my feelings off when they no longer benefit me…right now would be a great time to turn them off! However, everyday normal people like us can’t do that….it’s just not fair…..Sorry…venting…but Thank You & keep up the excellent work!

  4. So, so, so good!! (BTW, I love how you now tie in a “discussion” question at the end of each post).

    Loved the psychological research and thought put into this. I would love to psychoanalyze other aspects of the soc. This was great.

    And I just about fell over laughing when you said “off key” role play. Aside from the degrading comments, actions and physical dominance, he would role play scenarios that might have sounded kinky and fun in a different scenario, but i just had a …”GUT FEELING”…that he actually HAD done the things he was role playing and that it wasn’t a joke at all. It gave me the creeps!

    The pattern with my soc seemed to be an absent father, who he always resented and never had a relationship with, and a mother who worked multiple jobs. I never got a sense on whether his relationship with his mom was good or not, but I never got the feeling they were entirely close either. I was never around both of them at once to observe, but I do know he hated/hates his father…hmm

    1. Omg! You describing what I went through.. He made me say things to him that gave me the creeps and I couldn’t sleep after that..

  5. WOW WOW WOW…..It is amazing to me how this is EXATLY what happened to me not 3 weeks ago!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!! It put it in perspective for me on how I let that happen to me. He knew he was losing me. He worked on me with the promises and wonderful life etc. to get to me until I broke down and let him come over….had sex although I thought it was making love (jokes on me) then I caught a girl texting him after he swore he had no contact with any girls for 3 weeks….blamed me because I wasn’t there for him. DONE!!
    It will continue to amazes me yet heal me to read your insight.

  6. Emotions beyond superficial requirements relating to the body and social status (food, money, sex etc) are alien to the sociopath. They are unable to feel genuine respect for any other human being on the planet. They are able to feign these emotions for personal gain or to appear socially acceptable, but there is no such thing as respect for the sociopath. One may extrapolate from this the sociopath has no respect for itself. This is however not the case. An individual who has no respect for themselves as well as others is rarely as malignant as the sociopath. The sociopath has deep respect for its own needs, feelings and perceptions – but none for those of others. Whether this stems from a poor maternal bond, from “faulty wiring” or from pure callous evil is a subject of conjecture. All may contribute. Dealing with a sociopath is an impossible task as they always play outside the bounds of what people would consider reasonable, all the while claiming they are doing nothing wrong! They are unaffected (or indeed pleased) with the destruction they cause in the lives of others. Whatever the cause of this problem, it is their core and cannot be addressed. They can use “deeper” words such as respect, faith, empathy, but can only feel these with relation to themselves and not you. So if you “disrespect” them, they will feel it keenly and be angered. However, if they treat you appallingly for years at a time, they refuse to acknowledge it is a problem. This is because they perceive your feelings as unimportant. The only way to deal with them is to disengage and get on with your life, free of any illusion they have hidden depths of humanity. There are no hidden depths.

    1. Great comment. This is so very true. I never knew these kind of people existed before painfully discovering it through the experience with my ex boyfriend (the sociopath). I realized that one of my family member is a sociopath too. I had to distance myself and keep it that way. Scary:(

    2. Wow! This is spot on!!!! Your post resonates so much with me. That’s been the hardest thing for me to wrap my mind around, that he really is a robot, just an empty shell of destruction and manipulation. It’s taken me over two years to completely disengage. What a learning experience this has been.

    3. Spot on! No depths at all and only basically, if one starts really paying attention to the conversations, they will all wind up sounding the same, more or less. Whatever is coming out of the soc mouth.

      What was REALLY something that felt like an epiphany or something years ago, was that it became very very very clear to me, that there were certain words my soc spouse, could ABSOLUTELY not have be part of his repertoire, which was very small. He never expressed that he had feelings/emotions. I just knew him to have impatient anger but somewhere, I asked him to give me a “heartfelt” response to >>>>>>>
      whatever it was. Shortly thereafter, I realized there was no way i would ever receive any response to that, even though i had said take time in thinking about and responding. Yeah. Realize that the adult man you have been living with, at that time which was approximately 15 years, realizing and understanding that words like heartfelt, faith, prayer, actual love words, they’re like sunlight to vampires. Im betting that every narcissist/sociopath has a similar “cache” or words they absolutely cannot “feel” or speak about at all. It’s really weird.

  7. Eegads… Right down to the weird relationship with his mother. His mother married one of his high school friends (there’s a 17 year difference between mom and her “hubby”). The SP’s next “victim” (after the discard with me) is 15 years OLDER than him. And she looks like his mom. It’s creepy as all holy get-out! The whole family is creepers, one brother is a convicted sex offender… And the sister was supposedly sexually abused by the father (who has been deceased for many years). Just makes me wonder what Christmas was like at his house growing up… Crazy stuff. As long as he leaves me the hell alone, more power to him and his granny-girl! It’s just too funny for words really… Sicko.

  8. This was actually really interesting to read for me looking at it from my ex, a female sociopath. Her dad cheated on her mum and ran off when she was about ten. From about the age of 12 she had no relationship with her mum and went to live with her dad. My ex sometimes made out she loved her dad but other times said she didn’t care if they didn’t talk again! The mum didn’t even bother to ring her or make contact (her dad told me this) And my sociopath ex said her mum was awful and she would never to talk her again(not sure if the mum was awful or my ex or both-her dad also told me her mum was a compulsive liar im guessing she was a sociopath also but I didn’t meet her). Regarding sex it all seems so weird. My ex would talk really dirty but about herself mostly call her self a slut and whore or that she was my whore etc and role play lots always wanting it rough. I guess I liked it stupidly though it was weird like it was always like this it was like something in a porno it felt strange and there was no warmth or cuddling after etc these people are crazy!

  9. You have helped me so much. Thank you with all of my heart. The Sociopath that I am recovering from was all of these things. Mom was cold and unavailable, dad was not even known. Sex was just what you said. Rough, dirty talk, and not “sweet”. Except in the beginning. I can see now what has happened. I have been discarded now for almost 2 weeks following 4 years of hell, and feel certain that there is another supply. I exposed him and he threw a tantrum and no longer has any use for me. I was married to this man. But I am ok. I will be ok. This site has given me closure where I had none. It has changed my life. Thank you.

  10. My heart goes out to you girls who have had to endure any of this.

    To be on the receiving end of abuse in any relationship is bad enough, but to be abused like this in an intimate relationship and in such an intimate setting must be devastating and is despicable behaviour.

    I can’t imagine referring to any woman I’m with, in such derogatory terms, even if it was some sort of role play.

    Although I’m a male, I did experience sex as a tool that my partner used to assert dominance or control me. She would often find some absurd reason to pick on my kids and if I didn’t support her (more often than not it was an over the top reaction to some imagined slight on the part of my kids), I would get told that I should be “fucking” my kids and not her. This would be yelled at me regardless of whether my or her kids could hear or not.

    The point of the socs relationship with their parents is interesting.

    My ex hated her mother and the way that she treated her father. I believe that my ex’s mother is definitely a sociopath. The things that I have seen and heard from her mother directed at my ex’s father were disgusting, even when he was diagnosed with lung cancer the abuse never stopped. I felt so sorry for him.

    Despite this, and the way my ex hated her mother for it, she started to treat me the same, even verbally abusing me and my kids with words that she had told me her mother had used abusively to her and her father. I could see myself in another 20 years being in the exact same situation as my ex’s father, with no one for support and the only person in my life offering nothing but abuse.

    So I’m not 100% sure whether my ex is a total soc or if was just learned behaviour from watching the relationship between her mother and father. In any case, I’m glad to out for my own emotional and mental well being and that of my kids.

    1. Travis, I know exactly how you feel, my spath tells me from time to time he CAUGHT me and my oldest son having sex, he even usex that as a smear campaign, but people who know us know that isnt true. Sick bastard, it used to make me wonder maybe that happened in his family. Ugggggg friggin sick..

      1. That’s pretty pathetic on his part, to go so low just to win. It must be hard for you knowing that he’s being telling people, whether they believe it or not.

        Did he ever say or openly accuse your son?

        It is seems from this article and from the comments that their family life as children was never a normal lovong parent/child relationship.

        Thankfully my ex never acused me of it, she just seemed to use sex as an ace up her sleeve to control me, sort of “I’m giving you sex so everything thing you do, say and think has to revolve around me and what I want.” I tried my best to accommodate her, but when it come to my kids if what she was saying wasn’t right, I couldn’t compromise, for their sake. Obviously if they did something wrong it disciplined them with a view to teaching them, I don’t want them growing up to be rat bags. She just seemed to look for stupid things to test my layalty to her or prove she had me over my kids. Where as my loyalty was more towards right or wrong.

  11. An excellent post! Alll of them have the same script, and they just replay the scene eternally. My Pinnochio have a really bad relationship with his mom ( when I finally have the opportunity to know her I was able to see that she is a great woman who struggle to remain strong after being abandoned by her parents and with a marriage with an alcoholic -his father- . She is scared by her own son and prefer to have a distant relationship with he, she have an excelkent relationship with her daughters.
    On the bed at first he was the sexiest man, always asking what I like, then he began to suggest “fantasies” that at first seems fun, but then is the only thing that arouses him. As an example he fantasies about a threesome with both of us and another men, then he starts to ask what men I want on the threesome (I loved him and I didn’t want anyone else), but if I didn’t play along he called me names (frigid…etc) when I said a name he called me a slut for wanting another men…it is like playing a terror version of a jeopardy show, if my answer was incorrect to his standards I’ll be punished with the silence treatment, or with the name calling…It was so strange, as an “I can’t love you because you are not a virgin, I can’t love you because you are not my whore..”

  12. Whilst this piece was about male sociopaths, it does apply almost wholely to my ex. She witnessed physical abuse of her mother by her father. She was also many times a physically abused victim at the hands of her father, and yes, she had a sexual relationship with him that she believed to be healthily normal to be had.

    Before I came into her life she had had many short-term flings. When I first met her she was shagging a flat mate, and having an affair with a married man at the same time as.

    She told me of how during a 6-months period she was in a relationship whereby sex was exclusively anal in nature.

    She had many unhealthy addictions, the worst being gambling, and yes, she was always as high as a kite when she told me of her few WINS. She was sexually promiscuous, proudly proclaiming to the world as being bi-sexual (the FILTHIEST sexuality type of them all).

    This piece, whether intended to or not, does very much apply to females sociopaths than to males alone, and a valuable piece it is.

    1. Thank you Tim. Obviously I haven’t dated a female sociopath to know and most of the victims I had spoken to (To know that it was a very common background), and dating more than one, to see the similarity – but I hadn’t spoken to enough victims of female sociopaths to know if this was true.

      1. Do you think it might be a wise move on your behalf to at least research it some more? I have a psychopathic nephew, and the only difference between him and my ex is his physical abuse of his willing to accept it wife. My ex took out her physical frustrations on our children, as she knew very well that I would not be accepting of it, and no, I never ever hit her in order for her to hit me back in self-defence at least.

      2. “and no, I never ever hit her in order for her to hit me back in self-defence at least.”

        She took out a Family Violence Order on me nearly four-years ago, and in her initial statement to police she said I failed to hit her and never did, this account was presented to the court, and was accepted as being truth, as it indeed was.

        Eleven-months later, she came back to court, and then claimed that I did initially assault her, I had assaulted her before, and I had even attempted to kill her once, and guess what? She quite remarkably was believed again, but surely both accounts were chalk and cheeze apart agreed?

      1. It’s not that you made me sad. It’s we all wanted what we thought was a perfect guy or gal & that’s not what we got.. We got hell instead…
        I’m so skiddish when guys approach me now.. I hate that person he turned out to be..
        “God only gives you as much as you can handle.”
        Is this a true statement because I’m starting to really wonder.
        I had a therapist tell me a couple years ago that I’ve been through more than her 90 yr old patient and this was before I met crazy.. :-/

      2. YES YES YES!!!! This is a true statement KJ. Believe that if you have been through a lot in this lifetime you are a very very special person.

        Do you know in a spiritual sense, those people who have to overcome hell – and their lives have been one of disaster – that they are the successful ones? You come here, to this earth plane to learn, to grow spiritually. And this is what each experience has done for you.

        Focus your love and your energy onto you. Forgive yourself. Take it one day at a time. Make today that new day, of a new you. A day where you can start to look at the world differently.

        Perfect men (or women) do not exist. If they were perfect, they would not be here on the earthplane, for we are here to manage our imperfections -so you go skiddish when guys approach you…. maybe that is because you are now upping your standards, listening to yourself, and not allowing yourself to get involved with anyone who is wrong for you. Have you thought of that?

      3. KJ…God only gives the tough stuff to His strongest soldiers…He won’t give you more than you can handle. One of the things that has helped me is to talk about it…share my experience with others because there are so many people out there going through what we did and have no idea what a sociopath is or realize that the person they are with is one and what to do about it. At any given time, there are 7 million of them just in the USA alone…that’s a lot of victims!! It’s okay to be wary of men approaching you. Be careful not to give them too much info too soon, don’t give them a chance to mirror you. Verify everything they tell you and watch how they get along with their family members…listen and observe everything. One more thing, don’t be afraid to assert yourself here and there on some things…if he’s a soc, he’ll want complete control and not like it. Hope you have a great day!!

      4. KJ – Hold strong…I agree with what everyone said!

        Think of it this way…

        Each of us have an opportunity to understand love and compassion on a new level. I am not saying that each of us are here yet, or have to be here by X time or date, but it is inevitable that when each of us pull through this in our own way, shape and form, each of us will learn new depths of human emotions…

        As positiva said, the last step is acceptance. I know I personally have a lot of work to get through before I can say that I am at 100% acceptance every day, but I am working on it. And I know that once I am there, and once I don’t experience bouts of anger or frustration, the only emotion left will be love and compassion. Because although we were the ones hurt, they are the ones hurting…and where our pain is temporary (although it feels like forever, sometimes), their pain and misery will be forever.

        It seems that those who experience the most love, joy and compassion are the ones who have been challenged the most. After all, how will we ever know what amazing, unconditional love, joy, happiness and bliss feels like unless we have felt the deepest depths of loneliness, sadness and hell?

        This is all such an uncomfortable growth period, but a privilege none the less. Not everyone will ever put themselves out there like we have, which means not everyone will have the same opportunity to reap the benefits if personal, emotional, spiritual growth from all of this.

        Try some breathing exercises or meditation if you need a good “cry”. It will release that energy blockage it sounds like you are describing 🙂

        Hugs

    1. I feel for you….and I TOTALLY understand the whole being wary of other men. I haven’t put myself out there yet as I am still not ready to date and TBH, just thinking about it makes me shudder. I hate that I’m lonely but scared to get involved with anyone else. This whole experience rocked my core. I was scared of trusting others before this ordeal, now? Even more so. I just can’t believe I was in the presence of such evil, yet I desperately tried to love that evil…and evil won the battle, but not the war. I will prevail! I will heal and overcome this and so will you!

      But, sites such as this has helped me tremendously. Reading, learning and sharing about sociopaths has helped me put things in perspective. I now have the knowledge and tools to not allow this in my life again. Ever!

      I read this this morning on FB, hope this helps in terms of dating…makes sense:

      http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

      1. I haven’t really put myself out there, I’m not ready. I get approached if I’m out. I need to cry to release the pain first.
        My sociopath was my first and last player so I need to heal before going that route..

      2. KJ – Try searching on youtube the following:

        heart-opening chakra meditation
        acceptance and release meditation
        chakra cleansing meditation

        Primarily see if you can find one that focuses on the heart. I know when it is blocked and open, crying is a major part of opening and releasing….and once it opens a bit more, love for the universe rushes in 🙂

  13. My ex sociopath presented himself as a good man, devoted divorced father to his autistic son, true to his Catholic faith, good friend full of compassion, a shoulder to lean on to his friends, a sensitive soul, very dear, full of humor, has to take meds for his epilepsy seizures, he would say the same saying how God only gives you as much as you can handle, but that it made him a better person and more understanding and compassionate for other people. But, that was a sociopath mask. The one to which I emotionally and mentally attached myself to. But this is what the truth actually was. In bed department, except in the early beginning, he was ‘distant’. I didn’t like that there wasn’t warm hugs, closeness was missing. He had erectile problems, which he was explaining that is was because of the epilepsy meds (pity play). But, it worked to delude me, so I was full of compassion for his situation. He pretended to very spiritual, he was talking how he would write a book about Saints, because he was interested in theology but of course those were just words (a year before that he was talking how he would write a book about autism). Further red flags were when he said “F***k you” while we were intimate. I was like ??!! what is this? Then in one moment he put his hands around my neck like to suffocate me?? It was for a brief moment, it happened once. So, all in all, in intimate area, he was a total zero. Now when I write this I am thinking why didn’t I leave such a person, he was obviously a sick person, but I understand I was zombified by a sociopath. Later, as I wrote in earlier comments, I found out that he actually, first thing in the morning when he sends his boy to school he goes to porn site and 2 to 3 hours watches videos that he finds by searching words: extreme humiliation, slap the bi**ch then f***k in the **s. Then he writes mails to his 5 or 6 female “friends” full of compassion, witty, seductive, pity play… he puts a mask as current situation and current victim needs. And then, in the evening, when he puts his son to bed, he repeats 3 hours of same porn again (he even once typed in the word incest into the porn site search field) He sends emails of support to the catholic site http://www…wordonfire.com to some father Barron and he presents himself as devoted person of faith as he addresses himself. It made me puke from what I found out about real him. He always talks how his meds make him drowsy and sleepy all time, so he can’t have job, so he lives on social help… but he doesn’t tell you that he spends 6 hours daily watching porn. Hey 6 hours + 2 hours writing emails to “female friends” that a 8 hour work day! He lives in a house of his parents, with his father, who is a retired M.D. of Radiology. They live in a “wealthy area” of Hingham, MA. About his parents. His mother died few years ago from cancer:( I managed to meet her. He told me she had addictions (alcohol, medications) and that he got that from her. I thought it was his addiction to nicotine gums, I had no idea that was just the tip of an iceberg. He always behaved towards his mom with respect (at least that is how it appeared, you know how sociopaths are phoney), he always talked how his father didn’t respect her, emotionally abused her etc. After she died, his father is having multiple ‘girlfriends’ (older women his age, in late 70s) simultaneously. It is disgusting. My ex spath always talks how it is disgusting what his father is doing, although he, behind his mask, is doing the same.

    1. Wow Caerra, thanks for sharing!! Honestly our stories are different but we could have dated the same guy. Such a similar story. Its bizarre how people who have never met each other (the sociopaths) can all act the same way. I can see how from reading your comment, how it must feel for other people to read mine. That really is very uncanny. The patterns are so similar.

  14. Nikki…once again you just continue to amaze me at how spot on you are. It is genuinely creepy how much those people are alike. Is there any other group of people that function so predictably in our society? My ex had one brother and two sisters and all of these kids had a different father. His own father walked out on him before he was born and never knew him. His mother has been deceased for many years and he didn’t talk about her much. His cousin told me she was a ho…obviously. He did lose one of his sisters at the age of 12 I believe it was, and he took that pretty hard, (she was born with some kind of illness). He would talk about that sister very well and said he used to look out for her at school and he helped to take care of her, he still would tear up talking about her. As to the sexual aspect, it’s too much to go into here, but if you research Freud’s theories about early childhood development (as well as other early psychologists and psychiatrists) you will find it quite interesting on how our sexual being is shaped by our relationships with out parents. It is quite the significant factor. Take care…looking forward to the next post!!

  15. I keep re-reading this blog and all your comments. I’m so sorry that you all have been used and spoken to like this by any male. It is disgusting.

    1. I think sometimes (for me anyway) its surprising to hear someone else talk about it with such disgust. Its a wake up call to what reality is. As I (and many others) have been completely numb to all of this for so long.

      1. I think the more your read other peoples comments the more you realise how similar these “people” are. Does it not creep anyone else out that we use to share our life with them sleep next to theme very night? Its hard not to think I wish I had known properly what a Sociopath was before. The only comfort is now been able to explain weird behaviour such as my ex actually saying “people just use people for what they can get” or trying to read all my old school reports when she saw then in my wardrobe like 2 months after we started going out. She so clearly wanted to find out all information on me glad I didn’t let her now didn’t feel right! I’ve deciding I find the most hurtful aspect the fact they don’t think they have done anything wrong in fact actually think we are in the wrong. I.e. anyone could cheat and hurt you but they will at least feel bad they have done that my ex actually thinks I’m the awful one for chucking her out and throwing a couple of presents I got her away! Its hard to have faith in humanity sometimes!

      2. I know exactly what you mean…

        There have been a few times I was reading comments and wasnt entirely sure that another victim hadn’t actually been talking about my ex, too. The stories and characteristics were just too similar, its strange. But it makes sense that all sociopaths will likely have overlap of most behaviors…Makes it easier to conclude that they are sociopaths when they fit the same descriptions.

        And yes, it is very creepy thinking, “who was I really sleeping next to?” One of my friends told me that I would probably be sick to my stomach if I ever got my hands on his phone and went through it. I could venture to guess that maybe there was another woman, I just didnt know how many and to what extent. And again, what I found out is likely only a small portion of what was actually going on.

        So, with all that in mind, it is completely mind blowing to try to consider the relationship and interactions we did have. Honestly, since I have found out more the truth about him, I havent really been able to recall our time together as vividly. Its almost like the illusion truly has faded away, and all I see now is the truth.

      3. @gaslighted

        What you said… “Honestly, since I have found out more the truth about him, I havent really been able to recall our time together as vividly. Its almost like the illusion truly has faded away, and all I see now is the truth.”

        It happened to me too! It was great feeling for me when I noticed that, like a liberation. Few days ago I got a letter from him. He wrote : ” I will always remember the good and beautiful things in our relationship (and there were many) …” He tried to lure me in again into his web by trying to make me feel nostalgic (he doesn’t know I got to know the truth about him), with his charming poetic (fake) words, but his methods don’t work any more on me. He lost his power over me. When I read that about good times in his letter I also noticed that, just as you said, I can’t really recall that time. You said it so well. The illusion has faded away, because even those good times that he mentions were fake and the bad times … who would want to recall those anyway… so in the end there isn’t much left to recall…thankfully I am very happy that I got into this stage of recovering, it feels good:)

        P.S. After I found out the truth (that was a year ago), a month or so I kept a “friendly” contact. He wanted to keep in touch with me, so I played along a little bit to make him think I accepted his dumping me and that we were friendly afterward… I didn’t want him to get suspicious, but after I was constantly getting the ugly insight about him, I couldn’t communicate any more – I was sick to my stomach, so I just withdrew. I wanted that he thinks I accepted his dumping, been friendly for a while and then withdrew. You see, these people are monsters and I felt that it could be dangerous to let the monster know that I know. It would be like being alone in a room with Hanibal Lector and foolishly tell him : “I know you are a cannibal! ” So I didn’t answer his mails any more… but he was persistent. He send me lots of emails trying to lure me in, I didn’t answer any throughout the year, finally I closed my email account. Although I didn’t communicate with him and knew the truth, it took me a whole year to mentally and emotionally break free from his web. If he tries to call again (which I have a feeling he might, he will probably call to ask have I got his letter… and his charming fake words) … I will say to him that he stops sending me letters, call me or contact me in any way.

      4. It comforts me to realise I’m not alone and we have all gone through pretty much exactly the same thing. Though sadly I cant talk to anyone I know about it really if you explain to someone your ex was a sociopath they just think your crazy, over exaggerating or bitter for the cheating and lies etc. I realise anyone could cheat and lie a little but this is on a massively different scale these people disgust me on such a great level and I’m a very chilled out placid guy! Its funny you talk about the phones my ex lied to me and said her phone had a problem and kept deleting all her messages I didn’t believe it I’m not that stupid but somehow with all the lies you kind of let things go its bizarre what they do to you. I know my ex was sending lots of sexual texts to a couple of guys at the end while telling me she wanted to marry me and have kids buy a house etc its very hurtful and creepy. She worked till late at night as a waitress and at a airport throughout the night I dread to think what she got up to now but she was happy for me to pick her up at anytime haha I think its best not to no everything! Can you really compete with people like that? As decent people we have to believe what people tell us is true to an extent at least (not anymore)
        Yes its weird to think of times you laughed and joked and thought you were in real soul mate love, it was obviously fake and now I can barely imagine the 2 years we had together. I think this will be the most bizarre and weird experience of our life! (I hope)

      5. I dont think you can ever really compete with a sociopath. They play out of a completely different rule book. And, I actually said this to my ex time and time again, before realizing he was actually a sociopath. I said to him more than once, he views life differently and views situations and circumstances from a total different set of moral codes than I (and most people) do.

        I also agree, its best to not know “everything”..because, sometimes when you get the chance to know a few things, thats all you need to know to understand that the behavior is not a one time thing.

        It is comforting to be on this site and connect with others who have been through similar, outrageous experiences. I have heard from friends who try to relate, but its not their fault for downplaying it….its truly hard to imagine some of the situations we have been through. If I met someone else who told me these stories, without having gone through it myself, I would probably question the validity of some of it.

        Its like they have multiple lives with multiple people, and you never know what you are going to get….and how many other people they are telling the same thing to.

      6. They are actors of a play where they have the same script.
        Everything is so weird and irrational that I felt ashamed and isolated to tell whats happening…with this blog I was able at last to understand what happened…

      7. @ Caerra,

        So many similarities!! Although I dont keep in contact with him, there was about a week period of time after I “found out” about him (the real him) where he would try to contact me…and the look on my face would be horror or disgust…but I had to respond….I had to respond neutrally, unusefully, and not seeking any additional contact or information. At the time, he was outed by someone and was checking to see if I knew, by asking probing questions. I knew that my silence would almost indicate guilt. And at the time, I was out of town and knew that he would break into my place and ransack it, as his method of being “exposed” was something that someone could have taken from him, so he initially was asking if I had this item (Which, i did not). I also tried to play it off like I had no clue what he was talking about.

        I can completely relate to understanding that they are monsters. I only know 1/10th of it, but what I do know is earth shattering and absolutely illegal and malicious. I cannot imagine the things he has gotten away with that i DONT know about. And, he has all the capabilities to get away with it, too. I was afraid for my safety for a long time after finding out, as I kept having nightmares that he knew I knew, and was going to come kill me. It was really a lot of weight on me at once.

        Once in a while I have fragments of a memory, when I hear a song or whatever. But in the past, I used to remember those things and they would “take me back” to where we were at that time, and i would feel all of that so intensely at that time. Now, I will have some positive feelings for the laughter and good times we had, but its also in a creepy way because I now am acknowledging that although my reality was all laughter, sunshine and love, there was a whole world going on that I just found out about behind the scenes. So, it makes it hard to accredit any of that as genuine, real, true, etc.

        I havent gotten a letter from mine…but I actually had a dream last night that he hand wrote me a letter (funny you mention it) and that in this letter he was describing and telling me that he is a cold, terrible person. And that I needed to know the truth about him. I remember experiencing the same disgusted, sick to my stomach feeling reading the letter, which is a nice change of pace from “missing him so much!!”

        I havent been able to cry or hurt at all for this whole scenario since I found everything out….Turns out that the truth really will set you free, as dark and dirty as it is…

      8. I can totally relate to what you wrote. I wouldn’t know what your dream could mean….Maybe it is warning you that he will try to “be honest” and lure you back in…so that you prepare yourself not to fall to that possible trap.

        For many positive events in the past I found the parallel disappointing event which “killed” the nice memory. For example, some two years ago we were 10 days on romantic travel to Paris. We found a flat and lived like Parisians for 10 days (it was his idea but I did most of the work) …and as you said my reality of that time was sunshine, love, us being together… but can you imagine what a disappointment it was for me when I saw in his Sent items the mail he sent to his sister while we were in Paris (he had tonnes of not deleted mails in his Sent items) In that mail he was mocking me… he wrote : “Yes, she does the cooking and organizing “… and then he put huge mocking LOL smiley… And also I remember at the end of our stay in Paris… he told me so nicely and gently how he SO appreciates everything I did (he always talks how he is worst when organizing….) Can you just imagine that your partner is mocking you behind your back … and mocking about your good qualities?! Because I cooked meals for us and was capable to organize metro and bus trips in a foreign country… ?? And all this was even a year before he dumped me, so it is really true that they are talking bad about you to friends and family even in a seduction/gaming phase so when they discard you, you are in a shock but he prepared his family/friends and himself long ago. Yes, I guess sometimes it is better not to know everything, but I assume I didn’t get to know everything… who knows what this creep does besides… I feel really happy that nightmare is over. My heartache is gone. After a lot of grief, now I am beginning to feel good again, like in the morning when I wake up I am looking forward to new day and my activities. Feels good:)

        P.S. I think he was mocking about me because he was actually jealous. All he knows is to lie and pretend, other than that he is a failure.

      9. @caerra,

        I definitely think it might be a jealousy thing. Its interesting because the very things they praise you for are the same things they rip you down for. In the “seduction” stage, he told me how proud of me he was for the work I do and what I have accomplished. Not even a month later he took on a snide tone when making sure to rip me down about my co-workers, job, etc.

        He would always say sarcastic comments about the things I enjoyed, after telling me that he loved those things about me the month prior.

        I dont know why, if it is jealousy, he would convey it that way, but it is very hurtful

  16. My ex definitely has a complicated relationship with his mother. He will physically attack you for talking badly about her but he also will not speak to her for months or years as punishment for her not doing things the way he thinks she should. Stories make me believe there was verbal and physical abuse by the mother, the father too but he left when ex was young (early grade school). It is hard to pinpoint exactly the source(s) of his problems, but a dysfunctional family is certainly at the bottom. Possible sexual abuse and drug/alcohol abuse later on likely played a role too. These things make me feel bad for him (a fleeting feeling though!), but he is an adult now and should know right from wrong. At the very least a ‘normal’ person will recognize they are the issue and get help…not a sociopath though! In no way did I ever deserve the treatment I received no matter what his upbringing was like for him. Great post and spot on!

  17. My sociopath has an unhealthy relationship with his mother in the way that she completely controls his life. She decides where he will work, live, spend time at, and even wants to control who he will date. She will make me into the enemy whenever she has a chance and feeds into his paranoia about me. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree either. His father I believe may also be a sociopath. He leaves the home to spend time with other women and then his mother welcomes him back weeks, sometimes months later as if nothing ever happened. He observed this into his adult life. As far as sex goes we are very connected and he does not struggle with the erect. disfunction as he did in previous relationships. I believe that is one of the biggest reasons he views me as his property and maybe one of the draws for me. Reading these blogs little by little is helping me put the pieces together. This is a very disgusting personality disorder and it is true about the self esteem. He never leaves me unless he has sex with me first then goes on his way destroying my self esteem so I can’t move on and when I am ready he is back to claim what is his.

    1. Hi Bunny,
      Your comments about being controlled by a Mother were so true for my situation. My ex was completely controlled by her and funnily enough his parents had a very dysfunctional relationship too…

  18. My ex S was abandoned by his real “Mom” at 2 yrs old. His Dad won full custody because she did not show up to fight. He was shuffled around a bit in the family while his Dad worked. When he was 6 his Dad showed up married to a woman he had not met. From then on in a lot of trouble. Although I love his Mom and can see she is stand offish at points and says what she thinks.
    Funny thing was my S played the ED card with me for the last 1-1/2 years of our relationship. He was stressed and tired all of the time. I am glad he did not sleep with me before discarding me. I really believe he was out having affairs so did not need to have sex with me I guess in a way not having sex was a control over me also. It was exactly what he wanted and he was still getting taken care of in every other way. I think he could read I was getting ready to end our relationship , so he hurried and dumped me first — very badly.
    Since they are very cowardly , he did not tell me he was going, just left.
    In our very last phone conversation 9 mths ago, he said he did not want to speak to me because he did not like the way I treated him. I decided that was the last verbal abuse I was taking.
    About a month ago he showed up where I was and yelled at me to “Not talk to my mother, if you can;t talk to me , don’t talk to my mother. I guess it was because I heard he was getting married, and let his Mom know I knew so she would not feel weird talking to me. She is terminally ill , so I know our relationship has a time limit and I truly care about her.
    I found this article talking about the relationship with the mother to be very true. Even when he yelled at me it was about his mom. I honestly believe the new squeeze does not like me talking to her. Neither of them had respect for me , so I don’t respect their wishes either.
    If the situation weren’t what it was I would lessen my association, but as I said a time limit is there.
    Sociopaths have a lot in their past that should give us the red flags, but you are thinking they just have grown so much past a troubled child /early adult hood.
    Some signs
    trouble with the law
    juvenile delinquency
    trouble with parents -authority figures
    debt or financially irresponsible
    additions
    nothing is ever their fault , but every one elses.

    1. Mine came over my house and accused me of sleeping all the time when he was the one that sleeps all the time.. I workout and he doesn’t.. I guess that’s what he tells people behind my back..

  19. My spath ex bf fits this model, and then some.
    – overbearing alcoholic mother, bitter and angry over her husband running out on her and her two small children, would often tell him how much he was “just like his father”
    – alcoholic and absent father, the father bore many spath traits as well, I had the opportunity to observe this first hand
    – lost virginity at very young age to an older woman, this would be statutory rape by today’s standards, has always held a “fetish” for older women (I am younger than him though)
    – extreme obsession with kink and role play

  20. Mine had a father who worked away for long periods, a mother who drank a lot, he was left alone a lot of the time and was very lonely (so he said) he always maintains though that he was a happy child??

    Sexually,erection problems, when he did manage (with help) he was distant, felt like a machine etc. Literally felt like he was going through the motions, but blank face, would just stare straight ahead. Not say a word,,nothing,,no noise, just compeletely like he had closed off from it.
    I too had reason to think he was involved in internet porn, he would be very aroused easily, even just at the sight of someone,but the ‘real’ thing felt off. He would however, come a little bit more to life if I told him ‘how good he was’,,,,,,’how sexy he was’,talk a little dirty, act a bit more raunchy,,,,but he just could NOT do those things himself.

    He too used excuses for it, pity pulls,,,,,,,but I loved him so much that I believed it would all come right sometime soon. I always felt that he was there, but doing something he didn’t really want to do, slept with me one more time before moving on,,I believe now it was to keep me from speaking to his other woman.
    Then a few weeks later, took me to our usual place, miles out of town,,talked about it all the week before,built me right up to thinking this was going to be special,,only to get to the crucial point and…. lost it,,,,casually getting dressed and passed it of as if it was normal……..I was totally gutted as we drove home, and I felt like he had only done it to see if I would.
    At the time all I could do was feel for HIM,,,,,but in reality it was really cruel.

    1. His approach to sex with you wreaks of childhood sexual molestation of him to me. His father was missing, and her husband was too.

      My ex, in the end (she had to have been raped in the first instance at the very least), engaged in consensual sex with her father, and a spath just like her father she naturally became. Is it possible then that this man’s mother was a sociopath as well do you now think?

      1. I realy don’t know Tim, he always talks of her with, not so much fondness, but more of an obligation and responsibility, he did say he was first sexually active at twelve years old, something I read a lot of in these blogs and sites.

        Because I tried to be patient, understand it all (put it down to guilt, nerves, etc) he has ‘let me’ accept it all. But the cruel part is all the inuendos, banter, inside jokes, calls me his sexy lady, when he has no intention of anything in that department. I think he is having a very sexual affair ‘in his head’ which really isn’t fair on me.
        It wouldn’t be so bad if we had only been friends, if he only referred to me as a friend, but we were very sexual at the start, and he keeps me dangling there giving false hopes that it will happen again.
        What also hurts deeply is that he keeps me at a distance with minimal contact, and when we do meet up, there are always references to the one I caught him with, even though he is damant he does’t have anything to do with her, then says I am paranoid and over analytical.

        Of course I am, and that’s the way he likes it!!

    2. @Dorena

      How similar! I read a lot afterwards about how internet porn makes men impotent or lousy lovers… and all described about it fitted perfectly my ex spath . He even told me once that he thinks that he is asexual ?! (like he is so spiritual?) Now when I think what a monster, telling me that, keeping me in fog and watching porn all the time. I also later read in some texts that internet porn addicts become ‘asexual’ in real life because they are tied to that porn fantasy and can’t go back to the real connection in real life, so in that way he was ‘right’, but how manipulative and deceiving these people are. He also would easily get aroused … but then mostly nothing (he wasn’t completely impotent, but had a lot of erectile problems). Addictions, because of poor impulse control, are one of spath characteristics, and internet porn addiction is one that male spaths easily develop.

      1. It’s interesting the difference between male and female spaths re sex. My ex is a sex addict as opposed to being a porn addict, she is also a telephone sex worker, and she proudly proclaims to the world to being bi-sexual as well.

        Physical sex is obviously more important to engage in re female spaths as opposed to their supposed male equals it seems.

      2. Caerra

        He would be constantly aroused, and I mean ALL the time!
        I thought after our first time, when he went distant, that it had been the thrill of the chase,conquest, etc, and I actually watched him start to chase the other one (who he had been chasing before me as well) if it hadn’t been so right in front of me I may have believed his explanations.

        I studied text on madonna/whore complex…………..he still maintains that I am the only woman he ever really loved,,,,and for the most part,I do know he sees me as the ‘good’ woman….it makes some sense to me.

      3. @Dorena

        Those are just words. Sociopaths are masters of false words. Look at the actions, all behavior says differently. That is not love, sociopaths are not capable of love. He is keeping you unhealthy attached, manipulating and sucking life out of you. I know how hard it is to get out of that vicious circle and fog. You should read as much as you can and get out of the fog. Live your life without a sociopath zombifying you! This site is very helpful !!

    3. @Tim

      I think so too, female spaths are more sex addicts, cheating and everything… maybe it is because women are generally less inclined to watching porn. Today, free internet porn has become so easily available, so it raised the number of these men like my ex spath. It is far more destructive to the brain than how it used to be (porn magazines). I read in some studies that today many 20 year old boys are having erectile problems already because they started to watch porn on internet when they were 13 or so and already got addicted even in such young age. But, I also know one sociopath who has numerous women and I think he is very successful in bed (he always says how he just “loves” women) because all these women are so enchanted with him. He used to say how he is not completely hedonistic, but almost … He is struggling to be ‘spiritual’ but he can’t escape his nature… He was also on to me, but I found all these his characteristics very unattractive … so I have fallen into the trap of another type of sociopath, who pretended to be good, honest, family oriented man…
      It is so sad about your ex spath. It seems like she is on a downward spiral.

  21. I do not know definitively if I’ve been with a sociopath or not, but one of his ex’s did label him as such and I only came looking for answers (and found this website) after this lying and craziness had gone on for awhile; I’d never seen anything like it.

    That said, I don’t know about the guy’s relationship with his mother, other than he seems to call her a lot (and he doesn’t talk, but listens while she continues what seems like a never-ending monologue) in my presence. His father was a known pimp, probably drug runner and other things and maintains a local “party house” where people come and go daily, different ones (women mostly) living there at different times. And he’s old enough he doesn’t get around that well! (I use that phrase loosely.)

    I don’t know what that means as far as influencing his view of me/women. He mostly only has criticisms about things as well as about me. But, he told me once that he “loved how I loved”, that he had “never experienced anything like it”, and that he “would be back for more”. I don’t really know what that meant. Although it followed a day after sex, I don’t know if it related to that interaction or our general engagement.

    Honestly, the whole experience with this person has been the most confusing relationship of my life. He has nothing to say to anything I express now and communications channels that were previously so open (we talked almost continuously every day, now maybe a one-liner via email, or only when we meet, and my last time with him, he didn’t want to even talk then) so, I have no way to assess if he feels or not at this point, or what those feelings are.

    I have felt progressively disrespected wherein I felt like there should’ve been improvements to our closeness. He seems to be perpetuating the rift continually, then blaming me if I blow up about his treatment and rude behaviors. I’m not sure why the pushback to us growing closer, but I do view it as that. I finally issued an ultimatum earlier in the week, for him to pull it together, decide what he wanted to do (meaning, choose a woman instead of trying to go between us), and when he decided to show me the respect and love I deserve, to THEN come back to me. That was the last conversation and now the one-liners have ceased as well.

  22. @Dorena @ Tim

    My spaths mother also had addiction problems (alcohol, medications)… he said how she was always only thinking about her relation with her husband and that she wasn’t there for the kids (emotionally). As they lived in wealthy area, they were always occupied with “appearance” … dinners, events, pretending to be healthy family. He always described his father with characteristics that fit to a sociopath, and I think his father was a sociopath as well. Not sure about his mom. Maybe she was just caught in a web (she got married early, she was a nurse who got married to a doctor to a wealthy family, she thought how she married “well”), she quit her job, gave birth to 4 children, on social events she pretended to be happy wife and that everything was great, she had weak character, stayed in that situation, got ill and died. My ex spath always had the worst words for his father’s emotional and mental abuse to all the family, he used to say that he was a dry alcoholic..

    1. I certainly don’t think his mother was, and I’m not so certain that his father is either, simply because male spaths rarely become successful career minded people, this is not to say however that he failed to have a wicked influence on his son, as it appears that such influence came more from him than his passive wife, but having said that, isn’t that what victims of spaths are, passive types I mean?

      1. @Tim

        Spaths can have successful carriers. In his “Mask of Sanity” book Hervey Cleckey writes about “Sociopath as a scientist, businessman etc… You can read the book for free on this page :

        http://www.cassiopaea.org/cass/sanity_1.PdF (see page 13 of 485)

        There is also this great text on this page:

        http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath.htm

        with lots of useful links on the left side.

        In her book “Sociopath next door” Martha Stout says that sociopaths usually in the end mess up their carriers …

        In that sense, it is interesting, about my ex spath’s father, I didn’t manage to write in previous post…. but my ex spath told me that his father was retired before he should have normally. He told me that some patient sued the hospital and won on court. It was some case in which his father was involved. So the hospital paid, gave his father some Honor Role (they stood by him because he was in their board) but still, retired him. So that also fits into the sociopath profile.

  23. I love this blog. But for some reason I am getting email notifications on only this thread. I truly want to read them all, but it is blowing up my phone at all hours of the night. I haven’t checked the email box, so please help. I love you all and stay strong. I am trying with all of my heart and you all are helping me greatly.

    1. Hi Karen, I really don’t know what is causing this? I haven’t written a new blog post for a week (I usually write more often). You would only receive new blog posts. I didn’t realise that you would get an email everytime someone posts a comment? I don’t know what the answer is, does anyone have any suggestions?

      1. Need to check your settings that correspond to the email address you provided when following this thread and the blog. The only way I could find to get back to that page was to click the “follow” button at the bottom right hand corner, this link may work as well, not sure.

        https://subscribe.wordpress.com/

  24. I just want to say a big thank you to everyone here for their comments. I want to tell my story and will do but not tonight x

  25. I think I’m stalling for time before I can tell my story. I have been NC for 9 weeks now and I only let him back in my life once, that was enough to do more damage I guess. I think that by writing it down here, I will have to actually look at it properly for the first time in black and white. I think it’s the realisation and the destruction a supposedly loving person can cause … someone you trusted enough to give them not just you heart , but your soul. x

    1. No pressure! Read all you can and take whatever steps you need to, when you’re ready. It’s a giant pill to swallow – to see something as the truth, instead of what we were lead to believe.

      And, its been about 9 weeks for me, too! Also, with the exception of one time, which also caused more destruction (but led to more healing!) than good.

      Here for ya!

  26. My ex Spath’s father deserted his mother when he was young (its funny he never told me what age) i got the feeling he was between 2 and 6. His father took his older brother with him and left my ex with his mother and younger sister. His mother is emotionally unavailable. Although a nice woman, she is very un-affectionate and distant. She remarried a man that although seems a nice guy, I believe is a womanizer and whom my ex calls dad. My ex has no respect for and does not speak to his sister and hasn’t for 4 years (the sisters choice) has absolutely no respect for his mother (talks horribly behind her back and sometimes to her face) and hates his real father and has no idea who or where he is. His brother he completely belittles and speaks about with disdain and basically has no contact. He believes that he is better than all his family. He has no contact with any extended family. The only person i have EVER heard him respect is his step father. Ever. NO one else. Everyone else there is always something bad. He has no friends. None. He only associates with subordinates at work and speaks badly about most of them, especially the women. How did i ever think that he had respect for me? Stupid!

  27. My psycho ex told me he had been sexually abused by his father as from 4 years old. When he was 9 his father left the family, so his mother stayed with 4 children on her own.
    During 3 years I lost wasting my time on the fake relationship, I noticed that attitude to his mother was strange. I could go from how much he loved her and sending post-card on Mother’s Day to absolutely ignoring her to the extent she tried to find out what had happened through me. Now I see that even his mother used to be a source of supply for him (she was constantly sending a 40-year old “boy” money). So, he is simply a parasite, profitting from others. Hope, he will burn in hell and feel ALL the pain he caused me, our daughter and my family.

      1. I did, your blog is great! I loved all the articles.

        I am now at the stage of learning and reading everything I possibly can about psychological disorders. Funny thing is that I was raised in a loving atmosphere by both parents and at times I felt like my ex even felt jealousy whenever I would share some bright memories from my childhood with him.

  28. My first post. I am eternally grateful for discovering this wonderful website. I was 16 months into a relationship with a socio. We were engaged. Im now three weeks into the stonewalled end. He ended it without a word or explanation or answer to my hundreds of calls and texts. Just nothing. More on that later…
    He has always said( truth or not?) that he was abused as a child. His mother supposedly only told him who his father is v recently. Supposedly a v famous entertainer! ?? (Some groupie one night stand)
    I was amazed how socio took the news…almost like he was proud!!
    But had excuse after excuse why he couldn’t seek paternity confirmation.
    His “father” cheated on his mother and vice versa. His father left and only returned when the mother needed time out for herself to be with a new man.
    Supposedly one of her boyfriends repeatedly sexually abused him.
    Also apparently she encouraged him as an early maturing teen to have sex with many of her own girlfriends.
    She is a serious alcoholic.
    When in each others company they drive one another mad. Argueing and control manipulation from bothof them.
    But he still has this fantasy image if her. He forgets. And holds her up as a wonderful person and is highly influenced by her. He is 36.
    I have reason to believe his next support who he left me for is an woman he cheated on me with back in December. Who he had professed as a drunk junkie “psycho”….he always said he couldnt be with a drinker like his mother…???
    She even looks like a young version of his mother too!!

    1. Ugh stonewalling….. the most horrible type of abuse. Carried out by very weak minded people. I went through this with the father of my daughter that died. He stonewalled me for three months in pregnancy. Then stonewalled me after she died. Nothing not a word. Just silence and staring at me. then went off on his holidays (3 of them)… abroad and partying abroad…. It is the most painful thing to go through and also so confusing. I think this happens when the mask comes down and they can’t even be bothered to fake it. So they give nothing. This is emotional abuse. You know he described the person that he cheated on you with as a drunk junkie psycho….. yeah right….. you know that they lie!!! I would imagine that he probably says this about you too 😦

      1. Probably 😦
        He cheated on me back from the grooming in Oct to the physical cheating in Dec 2012. He is in US she in Canada. He was engaged to me. Making public declarations of love and incredible devotion about me on Facebook to his 5000 ‘friends’..(he is a performer)
        He then had the opportunity to physically cheat when she came to visit him at Christmas. All the while I still had my three calls and several texts per day and a huge box of expensive gifts during this period. I live in another country too. Met him in US.planning to go there as he couldnt come to me (child support bills and no passport).After their affair where she also had a pregnancy scare which he was delighted about! ( she later sent me emails and texts between him and her) he dumped her saying he loved her so much but that it couldnt go on as he loved me too!….also that she was aetheist and him a believing Christian. She of course took this badly. She physically accosted me when I went back to US this past April. Continued trying to “talk” to me to warn me about the truth. I was witness to his screaming at her that he didnt want her and his death threats to her if she didnt leave us alone. Our relationship was really ruined at that point. He changed from gentle loving to angry blaming punishing man. She eventually sent me all the physical evidence needed to believe her story as he still lied up to this point. Finally he admitted the truth! He said he had never told the truth about anything like this before. This is when his rage escalated. I had persisted in finding out the truth. Because of the trouble and pain his actions caused us he took it out on her. More death threats and a resulting police warning from her. He even went so far as to post a verrry long rant on his fb page and two other large music pages…so to an audience of potentially 10000 people about how bad she was. That she was a stalker, junkie, had abused me, had made his life a living hell with her infatuation and lies and that he was glad to have a sweet good girl like me. He even named her publically.
        Cut now to two weeks ago. I had been stonewalled for two already and blocked from his page. My spies then told me he has rebefriended her as has his Mother!!!
        When a mutual friend asked him why he said “why not?”..”Ive forgiven her”!!!!!
        She must be able to support him better…perhaps get thatdebt paid so he can get the passport and he can perform overseas.?
        My heart is smashed to smithereens and I am so very sickened by this outcome.

      2. Put a bow on him and literally send him to her…far far away. God is doing you a favor, keeping him our of your life.

      3. @haveaheart.

        Isnt it so crazy how despite their disastrous behavior we still have some sort of envy over someone else “winning”? Although it’s not much of a game, or a fun one, I think we all want that validation that we won. I think our ability to “win” with them is in direct correlation to our ability to lose ourselves. For that, I am glad to be the “loser” in this.

        Also, regarding the pregnancy scare and his joy with it..what is with that? I would like some other feedback on this, as well. We had more than one scare, both times he had wished that I was pregnant. When we discussed options on if I was, he told me he was adamant about me keeping it. We werent even together at this point. How sick and twisted…the ultimate means of control and conquering? I’m curious to hear what others thoughts are.

        Stonewalling…the silent treatment…I wonder, does it have the same effect on them when we do it back to them? I want to crawl in that tiny brain of theirs for a day and see what goes on.

  29. You’re very right. The sociopath who found his way into my life had a sociopathic dad who was as cold as a piece of ice and would constantly verbally attack and mentally abuse his mom no matter who was present.
    The sociopath who found his way into my life faked respect for his mom to appear acceptable in the eyes of normal people but it was very shallow and after a while I realized he had just as much respect for her as his dad, which was zero.
    Him and his dad would start talking about her right in front of her like she wasn’t there.

    Mr sociopath did the same thing to me a couple of months later, I then realize he thought treating women the way his dad was treating his mom was normal to him.

    Mr sociopath would use his mother’s ability to empathize as a tool to manipulate me in ways he couldn’t think of himself.
    He would call her all the time and keep her updated on a daily basis about what was going on in our “marriage”, of course he’d give her his version of events.

    There were 2 types of calls:

    The 1st type was after he had acted like the most evil jerk and needed to reel me back in. He’d call her behind my back and ask her what he should do. Of course the mom, probably flattered that her son would ask her for advice (thinking he was looking up to her) would tell him how to act.

    The 2nd type was when he needed back up. He’d call his mom and convince her of some lie and get her to agree with him on the ” punishment” I should receive.(For those who’ve seen the movie “the color purple” : Do you remember when Whoopy Goldberg told Harpo to beat Miss Sophia?..yeah, same dynamic minus the beating, it would just be verbal abuse and mental torment )
    Sometimes he’d triangulate and flat out tell me his mom agreed that he should say this or that to me or do this or that…was he lying? By the end of the marriage she told me herself on the phone, that he called regularly to keep her updated on our marriage and ask her for advice….what she didn’t know was that I already knew, he had told me in order to take some of the responsibility of his abuse off his shoulders..

    His mom was just another pawn in his game. He had already been married once before and had been “accused” by his mom of always blaming others for his short comings so I suspect he wanted to make sure he could blame somebody else besides me (probably his mom, who had dared to point out the obvious) if his second marriage didn’t work.

    A lot of times I felt like I was married to her…the empathetic things he’d do or say didn’t come from him, I could tell….Feeling his mom’s heavy hand in that joke of a “marriage” was a very frustrating experience.

    1. What an awful thing to go through. No I would say focus on you. How horrible as you have to cope with not only you and how you feel,but also that your own mother would do this to you. I couldn’t think of anything worse. It sounds stupid to ask how are you, but I will how are you? Do you have support?

  30. I am going threw this right know. This path rented a room from me. i told my friends i wasn’t going to rent to him and i did WHY// HE SPRAYED THE MONEY with pheromones. and continued to use them on me until my sinuses closed up.my eardrums were swollen and i suffered from vertigo . . All he did was brag about his sexual appetite it was such a turn off. AI’m a breast cancer patient i can’t have hormones . He gave me male hormones. in my food and then because i wouldn’t sleep with him in the end he robbed me. I tryed to be understanding but i just got to close to him i got mad about the robery and he robbed me again.. he stopped paying rent and when i asked for it he said he would beat me. I was scared to death in the beginning he was so nice. i thought we were friends and now understand it was mirroring and he is incapable of friendship. He set fire to my toaster oven and cryed like a baby but never apologized afterwards. he told me he has a monster inside and he dangerous He told me his life story. he even tore up my sons baby book. I didn’t even understand the depth of what he was doing because he was drugging me. Oh my god i have been living a nightmare for 6 months i finally got him out. I felt so sorry for him. There were two people one trying to manage and the other a real angry monster. I ve learned a lot from reading this . He told me all he wanted was a normal life. I know they are monsters but they didn’t choose this life they got dealt a bad hand. Hopefully he is gone. but the last thing he said was he wasn’t done with me. I know he has moved on and is involved with someone else thank god. I tried to warn her but i know she won’t believe it .he so wonderful in the beginning, besides i know he is using spray on pheromones and giving her Viagra I don’t even know what he used on me at the end. he moved out in Nov 20 and its taken me until l mid march to recover. My girl friend moved in so he couldn’t worm his way back. He drugged me with large doses of hormones and bragged about making a real connection with their long term use. He has robbed me but i feel like a dogged a bullet. He drugged me with hormones your brain just terns off. He was mad at me and it was my fault he had to go to a prostitute.. He robbed me because i wouldn’t have sex with him. Oh my god. ti was doctor Jeckel and hide i really hate him for what he has done to me, but what is so confusing for me.I feel sorry for him. i spent a lot of time talking to him He 60 and he is really miserable and he can’t control it but it dosn’t stop him he just keeps going on

  31. Hi, I told you I accidentally bumped into my ex after 6 months’ no contact. It’s just been confirmed to me how he is 100% sociopath but as ‘communication’ was going on yesterday I was only half aware of this. Still an improvement. I told you his face lit up (falsely?) etc. About 9 pm he started texting me speaking generally, I responded generally news on tv etc. Then he got round to – even though we don’t have sex (trusted he meant that) we could be friends. I agreed. He suggested meeting up (in my mind coffee in a café – me – naïve to the last). I said maybe. After 2 hours of texting (I was trying to read) he said ‘well, shall I come round with a bottle of wine?’ I’d just told him I don’t drink now. It was 11.15 pm and I’d been in bed 2 hours. I texted ‘when’ he said ‘now.’ I told him I must have misunderstood etc. He said ‘well, think on it. it’s no crime’ (it being sex?). I knew he wanted to come round drink, have sex, he leave early in the morning. I also know he’s on numerous dating sites and has at least 5 women on the go at the same time. I didn’t answer the last text. When I woke this morning I was so proud of myself as in the past I’ve allowed him to use me as he is so charming when he is with me – then slanders me, lies and cheats behind my back. No more texts so far. He showed himself for what he really is – pathetic sociopath.

  32. Wow, this has been an eye opening post. Wondering if I’m a sociopath in the bedroom myself, it was great in that respect…! But I’m also realising that the discard might have been premature from his point of view, don’t think the last time was that in his mind, it was in mine, and I didn’t even know what a scumbag he was at that point 😀

    I have no doubt this guy was a sociopath and well practised at it – can even pin point the moment he went in for the financial sting (which didn’t work), but he really couldn’t give up the lie and the persona of who he pretended to be when he was with me. Maybe he liked that person? Is that possible?

  33. I was hurt by a sociopath a few years ago but I didn’t realise what he was. He used to talk down to me in bed like really badly down to me. He used to say how big my vagina was and during sex he would ask how many men I’d f**ked, this was every time we had sex. Sometimes he would stop during to make me feel bad. He was married but I didn’t know cos he told me he was single and just looking for that special woman to spend his life with. Well he didn’t call me at Christmas so I broke up with him and he begged me back and as soon as I went back to him he dumped me very coldly. He asked me to do his laundry and deliver it back to his house at 5.45am next morning. I rushed to get it washed and dried and then delivered it as he requested….he grabbed the basket out of my hands and I reached in for a kiss and he was sooo cold. I never heard from him again. I tracked him down 8 months later when I found out he was married so I called to blast him and he said he didn’t care if I told his wife and he hung up on me.
    I was so hung up on his comments about my sexual performance that I went to the dr and gyno and after examination the dr told me he had the problem, not me. But the point is he destroyed my self esteem.

  34. I was recently in a relationship with a sociopath, on and off, for a year. The article describes my relationship to the tee. I have NEVER experienced such cruelties in a relationship. He tried to ruin me, not just privately but he took to social media, when he felt that wasn’t working. The lies on top of lies (now that I look back) were ridiculous. I cringe thinking about the lies i bought. I just found it hard to believe a person would lie to that magnitude. And in the beginning, he was the best thing since sliced bread and months later…I was catching him in lies and i was soon the victim of vicious verbal abuse only to be told “You started it”. i was left looking at him like a dog that hears an odd sound…puzzled.

    1. Yes, its amazing what comes out of their mouths, they say whatever they want to say. They have to be right, and like a psychopath who kills its prey – they also have to kill their prey after they are done with them.

    2. I relate to the puzzled dog expression!
      It’s so unbelievable and unfair to have been sold a bill of goods that doesn’t even exist. I look at them now as empty shells—throw in a little of this, a little of that (like a recipe) then throw it out if it flops. Persona, poof! But as for any genuine authenticity? Probably only a handful of idiosyncracratic ticks.

  35. All so true. I think I have been involved with a sociopath. He was a bank co-worker whom I foolishly had an affair with a few years ago. He mirrors you and makes you feel like he’s the best guy you every met. His wife found out and kicked him out though he claims he left her. He moved in with me and then I began to see the real person but kept thinking I was imagining it and that he was volatile post-marriage break up. He was constantly saying he was unhappy, comparing me unfavourably to former lovers. He has two young boys. He sees them as extensions of his huge ego. I now see that he uses the good father role to make himself look good for business. He likes driving them around or taking them shopping to play the part. He works in sales and image is important to him. He also has a giant ego and constantly puts me down, says both I and his exes are mentally I’ll and other gas lighting that it has taken me almost 3 years on and of to see. He has left me on many occasions and has definately cheated with other lassies (possibly men too in other counties). I used to miss the early attention and the catch and release became addictive as the manipulation continued. He soaks up adoration from his bois and likes to see anything they achieve in school as proof of his smartness. Deep down he cares only about himself and conning others by playing a part. He is a compulsive liar – contradicts himself regularly. Projects his own behaviour onto others. Uses silent treatment and manipulation to put me down and calls me troubled. He only sees his kids at weekends but uses them in conversations to appear more normal. He claims the youngest boi who is the image of him is gay and seems to relish in that. He often txts his ex wife to upset me and sleeps around but denies it. then plays the doting daddy to clients. He has a more senior job than me in managemnet but we work for the same company in a small town. He puts me down to everyone he can. He plays the victim coz of his marraige break up and is very convincing and charming until you see the light. N

  36. I’m back to being me now,but has taken almost 15 years. My one bit of solace is that my ex has had an ongoing dysfunctional long-term relationship with the woman who came after me. She moved in with him in his one bedroomed flat and it lasted 3 years,she then moved out for 5 years. He then moved into her house with her for five years and moved out again and was on his own for 8 years Well if you don’t count the women he met on websites). He is now retired with no family or friends. Two years ago he sold his flat and has moved in with her again,she too is now retired.and has no family or friends.So I am wondering if he wants her to provide money,someone to take care of him,and has convinced her he has changed. I can’t help laughing at the thought of them being stuck with each other in their old age, she must need her head examined to think she will spend her old-age in peace and harmony with this vile man. But what goes around comes around and Karma comes eventually.

    1. Yes…. trust your instincts on this one. You know and see the truth, sadly she is still blind (and hopeful) – he loves to give false hope and false opportunity, none of which will ever come true. They live in a fairy tale – a nightmare dressed like a day dream.

  37. Have just seen his recent photo on Facebook,he now looks exactly on the outside as he is on the inside-evil & ugly.His once good looks have gone (that’s all he had,he didn’t have a personality ). He is now left with a face that looks like a lump of rotting meat,decaying day by day. Oh how good it makes me feel to see he has got his karma without any input from me.

  38. See theres is a problem in this article. Sociopathy is a genetic not a enviromental trait. It can and will manifest regardless of upbringing. The upbringing haveing any correlation is more likely then not a genetic correlation on what genetic make up of parents wputs the mhighest chance of passing or creating a sociopath.

    1. You don’t manipulate them? What and you don’t lie to them either? Are you sure you are a Sociopath, all Sociopaths lie. Actually someone lying to you whether this is to big you up, or tear you down, is manipulative. So no, you are not that great a partner.

  39. My ex: Worst. Sex. Ever. No foreplay, just roll on top with full body weight crushing me, do his thing, roll off me and go to sleep. Seriously, that was it. He told me once he didnt like foreplay because “it feels weird down there” — regarding touching a woman. (That and his extreme homophobia makes me wonder if he may be gay) His parents were quite cute together, and appeared happy and in love. My ex and his dad are as close as can be, and he gets along with his mom fine. But his dad has end stage emphysema and the ex would smoke around him and say ‘he’s fine, it doesn’t bother him.’ He was unbelievably inconsiderate of both his parents. After a severe childhood trauma (his best friend shot & killed next to him) they coddled him for the rest of his life. He’s 48 and lives in their basement.

  40. My ex Narc/SP’s relationship with his parents seemed really strong. They were lovely helpful people. His brother was very quite and a bit introverted but he was nice enough. HOWEVER…. the day I found out that he was on online dating sites, very early on in our relationship (I actually saw a bank statement that had $70 withdrawn each month to pay for his registration) was the turning point to which I thought he may have had some ‘daddy issues’. I confronted him about what I had found. I actually thought one of his mates had done it as a joke because HE was so sensible and serious and outwardly against anything weird and perverted like that. He was also very tight with his money so paying $70 a month seemed a crazy/opposite thing to what he would do. HIS outward personality was SO VERY VERY OPPOSITE to what I had found. Anyway, when I told him what I had seen, he FIRST words that came out of his mouth were….DONT TELL MY DAD! Instantly alarm bells rang. What was this reaction????? From what I knew of him, it should have been “oh, no, lets ring the bank and cancel it and find out who set up the account” or “Im going to demand answers to this”. But no……his reaction was WIERD. From that day on my investigations into his online stuff began and I found out so much more.

    Anyway, back to his family, his dad was quite controlling of his mum. His mum was a housewife-the expectation was that she cook and clean the house and do the grocery shopping. His dad, from what my ex seems to proudly declare, has never ever in his life done grocery shopping or made a cake, or cooked the dinner. His job is to fix the car, mow the lawns etc. He didn’t let her have a job. For a few years the father couldn’t work as he hurt his back and so she had to work. She LOVED it. But as soon as he was better she had to stop. She still spoke about this job with passion years later. She baked cakes for the dad, did all the typical ‘old fashioned’ house wife work. He gave her an allowance and she wasn’t allowed to spend a lot of money. His mum and I once went shopping together and when she saw a nice top she suggested I buy it declaring “go on, buy it….your not married!”. Ha! I would have bought it whether I was married or not!!! When they went on holidays his dad would fish as this is what he loved to do. His mum would walk the beaches or read, waiting for him. I used to question my ex about this, asking “does your dad let your mum have any say or make any decisions about the trips”. He would get very angry when I asked these questions and say I was insulting his family. However, his mum seemed happy and content and carried on with her routines, She had grown up with a VERY controlling father and from the age of 13 she had to leave school and look after her siblings as her father was then the only parent. So I think she was used to this type of treatment and didn’t know anything else.

    When I used to offer to take his mum shopping or do something for/with her the father would often comment “…….doesn’t need this or doesn’t need to do that” He seemed to have a comment/reply for everything.

    As I said, their relationship was very old fashioned and the father often commented on my relationship with his son, especially if his son was cooking and not myself! He would say ” (narc)….come out of the kitchen and let Jen and (mother) do that. They can do that!” My ex however, knew my opinion about that so would often carry on working in the kitchen!!!! He NEVER took her out for dinner or bought her flowers-this was all a waste of money. Even when they were on holiday or out for the day, they had to make their lunch/dinner and take it with them. When my narc ex spoke about his fathers frugalness with money and how he had never bought his mum dinner, flowers etc he spoke about it with almost pride. If that was my dad, I would be embarrassed. The narc was also very tight with money and I think he got this from his father-maybe he thought that this was an expectation and wanted to please his dad???!!!

    His mum thinks the sun shines out of my narc ex’s butt. She made him cakes for every visit, his special foods etc etc. Cleaned, cooked, doted on him. She complimented him on EVERYTHING, saying how wonderful he was. So did his dad-fixing his car, painting, watching his football games etc. They were VERY helpful to me and him. He used to have to call his dad for advice all the time, before making his own decisions. This used to frustrate me and i’d always ask why he couldn’t just do anything on his own. His dad helped him with everything. I think until the age of 30, he had never had to take his car to the mechanic as his dad had fixed it for him or get a hair cut as his mum would cut his hair when they visited. His first trip to the hairdressers was probably at the age of 30 and that was because he was probably sick to death of me teasing him about it!!

    On one of their visits i asked my female friend to come and have dinner with us-she kew about the cheating and our tough relationship and also that I thought his parents were a little too doting. So I wanted her to watch their interactions to give me some validation! The following day she confirmed my thoughts, saying that the mother didn’t really have a personality and pretty much ran around after the men! She thought the funniest part was when their were some left overs and instead of offering them to the guest (her) the father commented…..”no…(narc)….you finish off that last piece!”

    He has an odd relationship with his younger brother. He doesn’t say anything nice about him and likes to complain a lot about him. Its almost like he’s competing??? They don’t talk much and even when we visited they hardly said a word to each other. I was the one doing most of the talking. In fact, his brother lived at home until he was 26 (this isn’t a bad thing at all), but until the age of 26 the mother was still doing his washing, making his lunch and mashing his vegetables into his potatoes so that he couldn’t taste them!!!! When they went away and his brother was left to fend for himself for a few weeks, she cooke weeks worth of meals for him and froze them! My narc ex didn’t even know how to boil an egg until he moved out and went to university.

    When I told his parents about his cheating they came down to help sort things out. If that was my son and he had done such a perverted thing, so a woman that loved him and was so loving to him, I would have kicked his arse and been soooo utterly disappointed and embarrassed. They didn’t seem to be either of those things, They probably felt awkward but they didn’t seem to react much at all. If it was my son, I would have checked in every now and again in the weeks following to make sure he was on track but it was all swept under the carpet and it wasn’t really EVER addressed by them at all. In the future, when I would find more cheating, I would call in tears to tell them-1: to try to get help for him and to make them wake up and 2: probably to spite him and to prove to his parents that he wasn’t a saint after all. But they never did anything. They wouldn’t even call him to find out what the hell had happened. And if they did Im thinking that he would have just spun them some bullshit that they believed!

  41. My ex narcissistic sociopath / psychopath had me so reeled in sexually that During sex I allowed him to take videos. We would role play, I loved being on camera with him. I thought it was something intimate between us and our relationship. Post discard, He sometimes sends them to me as a reminder that he is in control. I watch the videos and feel degraded, also realizing that this was about him having power over me and not a sacred act we shared. It makes me feel disgusted. Also he has a laptop filled with videos from hundreds of girls from past relationships and their sex. The laptop and videos holds his power over all this women. He loved sending our videos to other guys in my
    Phone book to show that he had power. If anything ever leaked I understand I can sue him for defamation of character. Especially because the emails contain evidence that my demeaning sex videos are kept on his laptop. Anyway, it’s hard to have piece of mind knowing this laptop exists with videos exploiting girls. Any advice on how to stay calm and essentially let this go? Thanks.

    1. Hi Christina. You must feel so violated. I am sorry that this is happening to you.

      You were in love with someone, and acted in trust, with no idea that this person would later use this against you. I am unsure what to advise you in this situation, as he will indeed use this as power and control over you. The only thing that I can suggest is to pray. To ask god for him to be moved on from you, to be taken elsewhere, and for his attention to be taken elsewhere. In your own life, daily focus on gratitude. All that you have to be grateful for, and attract more of this towards you. When I was desperate, desperate for him to move on, as he had said that he would kill me if I tried to leave. So the option was to be daily victimised for the rest of my life, I couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t want you to get to that place. So what I did, was to pray. Pray that he would be removed from me and taken elsewhere. He moved out within weeks. When he had someone new his focus and attention was taken elsewhere. Pray that he will be given life lessons to stop this behaviour. Sometimes when there is nothing else and no other answer – as I appreciate you might find it embarrassing to talk about to others, and might constantly live in fear of what he will do next – sometimes the only answer is to pray…. sending healing thoughts your way.

      1. @Positiva and Christine,
        Go to the police. These kind of conduct is domestic violence, you can ask for am order so he finish the conduct and to destroy all the videos. Take control of the situation.

  42. Hey there. You said, at some point, that he doesn’t want me to go off with anyone else, whereas, that’s what he truly wanted. For me to have sex with as many people as possible and then go back and tell him about it. It’s really confusing, as he’s got all the above-mentioned traits, but this one thing. He was really turned on by the thought of me shagging other blokes. Any thoughts on this?

    1. He could be a sadistic type Joanna. Please don’t get pulled into this, as he will later use this against you. Get away from this man. He is dangerous and will ruin your life.

      1. Thanks a lot, positivagirl x I’m actually in the middle of getting over him, trying to do my best.
        Also, @Christina, that’s what almost happened to me. He even wanted to make videos while shagging other blokes and had some nude pics of his ex gfs on his computer. I feel for you, hope you alright x

      2. @Joanna please don’t allow these kind of games, fantasy or not. As positiva says they later use it against you. They think that every fantasy is reality-based and will use it to literally torture you about your “real” life. They try to convince themselves that everybody is like themselves and that everybody as them have their real themselves hiding. Mine make me to tell him stories about how it will be with another person it arouse him, at first it was fun then the playing became horrible, he start to ask for names and said that I was hiding who I really are. I was never unfaithful to him.Please get away from all the insanity.

    2. Joanna,
      From my experience (same thing happened to me) what will most likely happen is you will tell him and he will exploit you- making you look bad to everybody once you tell him. Mine even told my mother. Be careful.

  43. Oops, many thanks to you too, @Nomoreinsanity. I actually wouldn’t even think that this happens on a regular basis. Its horrible..

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