For many people, they start reading about sociopaths through doing a search for ‘compulsive liar’ or something like this. Or at least I did, this is where I started off. There are liars, and then there are liars. Sociopaths have the ability to lie that is beyond the scale of anything. If you have been involved with one you will be aware of this. They are compulsive pathological liars.
Try not to focus on the faking and taking
Betrayal is one of the most hurtful things that a human can experience. It is more hurtful, when the betrayal comes from someone that you love, look up to, admire. When someone that you thought a lot of, betrays you, it can feel like a stab in the heart and the back at the same time.
Coming through the fog of confusion, when you are either in the relationship, or just leaving the relationship, it is normal to want to search out answers. You desperately need the answers to questions. WHY? After all, so little makes sense?
The more information that you gather, the further that you delve, and the more truth that you uncover, that expose the lies, the deceit, the betrayal, you can feel empty, lost, bereft, heartbroken, betrayed, stunned.
This is when you go into the first stage of bereavement. ‘Denial’. At this point, we search for evidence that this it is NOT true. You don’t want it to be true. This cannot be happening?
Perhaps you have it wrong? ….
The more that you uncover, the more lies start to unravel, and you are stunned at the truth, that actually – everything was a lie. You realise that what was shown to your face, was certainly not what was happening behind the scenes. The actions were definitely not matching the words and gestures that were shown to your face. You feel betrayed and deceived.
To move towards acceptance, you need to accept the truth. For many, this is to hang on to the truth that so much was a lie.
Focusing on lies and betrayal can bring more pain
If you focus on everything being a lie, this means that however long you spent with that person was a pointless exercise. Nothing in life is a pointless exercise. While there are many events in my life, that I wish had never happened, I cannot change those things. They have happened.
When you focus on the lies, and betrayal, you actually keep that person attached to you. You do not set yourself free. Focusing on fakery, keeps you in the role of victim. This is painful. You deserve more than this. They are the fakers, the takers. You are not. This is their role to carry. Not yours!!!
Forgiveness is key
To let go, so that you can grow, you really do need to forgive. To forgive, it is important to see it for the way that it is. Yes, often the sociopath does target people who would be good victims. However, it isn’t always like that. They are not always that long sighted, unless there is an obvious opportunity that is difficult to miss. Sometimes they are with someone for genuine reasons. Those reasons, might to you, seem trivial and being an object to be used. But to the sociopath, this is really the best that they can offer. They are not really capable of much else. In their mind, they spend a lot of time ‘grooming’ you, and therefore they deserve whatever bounty they get from the incredible amount of effort that they put in. (anybody who has been with a charismatic sociopath will be aware of how charming, charismatic, fun, and just your ‘best friend’ they can appear to be). It can be difficult to let go of that illusion in your head.
Remember that I outlined the five stages of grief and the healing process?
For many people, they attempt to move into acceptance, by simply saying,
It was all fake
This hurts. It hurts like hell. But, we tell ourselves, that if we focus on ‘it was all ‘fake’ then this will protect us. After all, it wasn’t real? Right?
Well, YES it WAS real!! It was real to you. In fact, even for the sociopath it was real. Yes, they master manipulators and game players. They are expert at this. Life is a game to them. It was as real to them, as it was to you. Of course you both had different motives. The sociopath was looking for whatever it was that they wanted out of the relationship, and stayed for as long as they could get it, or until a better source of supply came along. This doesn’t mean that it wasn’t real.
It was real. It did happen. It was as real to the sociopath, as it was to you. Perhaps it was real to the sociopath for different reasons. The biggest difference is that you were thinking with your heart – and they were thinking with their head. It is rarely personal with the sociopath. They don’t always set out to hurt you. It is just their nature and who they are, that means that they do hurt people. They do not experience emotions, guilt, remorse or shame. They therefore do not think about you, or your feelings. This is not important to them.
What this DOESN’T mean
What this DOESN’T mean, is that you were not important. You might have been important to them (at that time). I think it was Thomas Sheridan who said, that a psycho can rip you off, destroy your life, and then look back later and say ‘I quite liked that person’ it is rarely personal. It is just that you were dispensable to the sociopath. To them, it is akin to a business transaction. You might be able to relate this to how you are at work, when you have to be nice to someone that you do not like? You have to be nice, polite and professional, as this is the way that you need to behave at work. This is how sociopaths see relationships. Like a business transaction. They do not think the same way that you do. They do something for as long as they see the purpose and benefit of it. Once the purpose and benefit is gone, they are gone.
People do not become emotional at work, this is not professional. It is business and you are there to do a job. Sociopaths see relationships like this. Sometimes they might genuinely enjoy your company. Yes, they might mean it when they say that they had some great fun times with you. It might therefore seem confusing, when next day they are off with someone else? It doesn’t mean that the statement, they had fun times with you is not true, it just means that they had fun times with you, they are now having fun times with someone else.
So if you do not focus on everything was fake and a lie – what should you focus on?
Perhaps focus on incompatibility. That the sociopath is just the way that they are and that they have always been this way and likely they will in the future, also always be this way too. You know how sometimes you can have two people, who are just ‘incompatible’, everything is wrong you fight and argue all of the time? It is like this really.
Because of the way that the sociopath is, they simply cannot give you what you want. Unless of course, you want to spend the rest of your life being duped, conned and deceived?
Life is ALWAYS a game to the sociopath. You would only lose yourself, and your own life. There would be no room for YOUR own goals and projects, life would all be about making the sociopath happy. It would always be about them. Likely you would never make them happy anyway. If you look back, it never really was about you. It was always about them, and their needs.
So, just focus that you were not compatible. See the truth – the truth is that the sociopath faked compatibility. Everything else was real. At least it was at the time. The truth was, that you think with your heart, and they think with their head. Its not really compatible. They can never really give you what you want or need.
When you focus on faking, and that everything was a lie, this can be so painful. It will make you believe that it was all about betrayal. That nothing was real. This will only reinforce your belief that it is difficult to trust. It is important to move past that sense of mistrust, as this belongs to THEM not YOU. This is their issue not yours. They are the ones who are untrustworthy, not you.
How they are, is a reflection on THEM – NOT YOU! This was never about you, and how worthless you were. To believe that everything was a lie, and nothing was genuine, and that it was ALL about betrayal – is really as ridiculous – as believing that somebody who suffers with depression, can never be happy!!! (think about it)!
The truth was, you split – because you were just NOT compatible. THIS is the ONLY illusion that you need to focus on!!
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