Just like Alice, in the book Alice in Wonderland, when you meet the sociopath, after initially assessing to ensure that you have what they want and need, they will offer you the potion to drink. The potion is taken with trust. Thinking that you have met your perfect partner, you trust your partner – and drink the potion……. the potion contains only empty promises, and lies… as you drink…. you, your life and your world begins to shrink.
Energy sucking vampires
If you had been at a bit of a low ebb when you met the sociopath, they seem upbeat, fun, charming charismatic. Lots of fun. They can really lift your spirits and you start to feel good about you again.
Being with the sociopath initially bears all of the hallmark qualities of a potentially good and stable relationship. After all this person:
- Seems just like you
- Shares your interests and goals in life
- Appears to be very keen on you
- Is offering you exactly what you want and need
You might even be a loud person, a vibrant person. Someone who is funny, outgoing, smart, intelligent when you meet the sociopath. The longer that you are with the sociopath, the smaller you and your life will become.
Sociopaths will literally suck the life out of you. Whilst not all sociopaths will murder you and take your life, in fact most don’t. All will take your life and make you feel small.
The sociopath will attach like a limpet to all area’s of your life. It won’t be obvious to you, but trouble starts pretty much from day one. While you are looking at the person with trust, and honesty and love, they are looking at you, like prey. That is all that you are to the sociopath – prey. Once they have captured their prey, you are, according to them theirs to keep.
You are now their possession, and will be under their control. The sociopath will keep you under their control, while keeping their own life private. Likely words that you hear about their own life, will be false, fabricated and lies, or there will be a grain of true, mixed with lies. In the sociopaths mind, if you knew about them, then you would have control over them, and their life. They want to have attachment to you, but they almost certainly do not want you to have attachment to them, and their lives.
You will never be in the sociopaths life. They will only be in yours. This is how the sociopath operates.
The sociopath will after feeding you their bottle of lies, and making you feel small, will start to dominate and control you. At first you will not even be aware that your life, your world, and you, are growing smaller.
You start to feel tired and lethargic. You have no idea why. Your energy, motivation and drive diminishes. You stop seeing people, but you think that this is your choice. The sociopath becomes the center of your world. They constantly feed your comfort zone, to make you feel wonderful. They will only do this for as long as they have you captive, and they are not losing control.
It won’t be long and you will have lost full control of your life. What happens is that you literally SHRINK.
The sociopath will attack and damage ALL areas of your life.
- Socially including friends and family
- Your home
- Your work
- Your material possessions
- Your self esteem and what you believe to be true about you
By attacking all of these areas, you feel smaller and smaller. The sociopath grows bigger. You start to become dependent on the sociopath. Feeling so small, they become the vibrancy that you rely upon. If you dare to step out of line, to assert yourself, and to try to find your own energy again. The sociopath feels threatened by this, and will assert himself through control, either by threatening you, or usually by false accusations and allegations. You then spend so much time defending yourself, that whatever it was that you were trying to do for you -is quickly forgotten. The attention is back on the sociopath once more.
Life becomes crazy when you are in the relationship with a sociopath. At first you will wonder why so many things are going so wrong? You don’t understand, why are you being so unlucky? You feel smaller and smaller. At first you are still holding onto the the strength of you, and your life. The sociopath WILL take EVERYTHING from your life – if you let them.
You hope that perhaps things will get better. The sociopath is attracted to drama, and have a need to be center of attention. Just as you recover from one drama, there is another, then another, and another. Things never seem to get BETTER. They won’t either.
You could be with the sociopath for many years. Nothing gets better. Nothing ever changes. All that does change, is that the longer you are with them, to more that you lose. You could lose:
- Your job
- Your home
- Material possessions
- Social connections
There are many victims, who continued to stay in the crazy world with the sociopath, and their lives grew smaller. As you grow smaller, and your world becomes smaller, it is more difficult to leave.
The sociopath loves to take from you, and then play rescuer to you. To act as your salvation, the person who can save you. When realistically they are the one who is deliberately causing damage to your life.
Betrayal is the worst kind of feeling. It is where you feel stabbed both in the heart and the back at the same time. The sociopath betrays you with lies in the very beginning and will continue to betray you throughout the relationship. Nothing will prepare you for the depths of betrayal that will emerge when the relationship has ended.
As the relationship winds to an end, you start to uncover lies. Which uncover more lies, and you you realise that nothing was true. You feel empty, used, abused and just an empty shell of the person that you once were.
Establish NO CONTACT
When you let go…. you start to grow…..
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
71 thoughts on “Dating a sociopath will make YOU feel very small…”
I am dangerously stuck in the shrink Zone.. By 3 of them at the same time..
My ex Narcissistic husband, a N-Psychopath half brother has bonded with my ex and they have me in an economic and psychological prison.
The brother is playing the false savior game and I have no choice but to take his favors and pretend not to be aware of it for my own safety bit the sick part is I am not safe.
I had no energy for so long now. I was forced to get a title loan on my car and almost lost it recently..
But he played savior then had the nerve to make a snide remark in a conversation once that he now owns part of my car! Wth!
The other is a cop who I thought was my friend who I found out abruptly this past week was deceiving me and exploiting me for quite some time. I found out he was using and lying to me, then I found out he was in a relationship with a co worker and he refused to fill me in. They bought a house together this past month, I drilled him and he refused to tell me about her or their relationship. I found out through public records.. I am traumatized..
I need help financial help to hide from these men, I am trying to learn and force energy back into myself to get the courage to find work.
I also have some bad neighbors and worry for my pets and home.. I worked from home for years connected to my ex husband, but my psycho half brother listened to my dramatic story then said he was coming here from out of state help and protect me..
I had no idea that would be the beginning of my life shrinking into oblivion.. I am so frightened that I hide from my neighbors and don’t talk to anyone..
I have no idea what to do, they sucked me dry.. Every month is a struggle to keep utilities on, the phone, the car payment..
I may just die in my sleep from grief.. There is no help from people like this..
I believe I am doomed!
Hi Sunshine…. you are not alone. You have us here, and we will support you through!!
I am going to send you an email, as there are some things I want to say but I can’t really here. Will send you an email.
Thanks for the reply, it would be great to communicate with others that know about these situations..
Hey Sunshine….no you are not alone. I’m in the same boat except its NP husband, N mother, P ex husband, and no other family. I feel your pain on financial struggles as well. I’ve finally gotten the strength to work hard to find employment then my car breaks down. I’ve lost all of my social life thanks to current NP and made to feel worthless by all three. The exp husband is still inserting himself into my life and its just a mess. You are not doomed though I know how you feel. Just take it one day at a time. Just focus on getting through each day. It may seem nothing will change but you never know what life may bring. I understand your social phobia too. I don’t even like being in the grocery store anymore. I don’t talk to my neighbors either. This is such a great blog and Pos is awesome. It will help you keep your sanity.
Thanks so much for the response. It’s amazing to see people on here with very similar positions and experiences.. What you mentioned is very similar to mine.. My N ex husband, and NP – half brother, who I never met until I was 31, has formed a very bizarre bond with my Ex N husband. He has attached himself to my ex and his family and new wife and kids too, by the way, this new wife cheated with my ex-husband and that’s how our marriage came to an end and my P-half brother has no respect for how it makes me feel seeing them all pull off together, it’s bizarre.. I found out my half brother also attached to his step sisters ex the same way with his business as well and I was told bad things about that guy by my brother too.. I am sure, based on how I have been traumatized that I am not getting the real story, only his version.. P’s are very bold, they will try to have sex with anyone or anything, he went to his sister, and my family and told them he was in love with me and then they all started to believe we were in some sort of relationship, being that they all have a bit of a disorder too, and were spreading rumors I had to cut ties to all of them. What the hell was this P-half brother of mine trying to do?? Why did he do this to me? When I first met him via internet and phone, I was coming out of a terrible relationship and told him my entire story, thinking i was safe and that I found a long lost relative who would come out here to be my support. I had no idea things were going to turn even more dark and scary!! He attached to everyone financially connected and got me terminated after I introduced him to my work circle and ex husband.. Who would ever think of being that bold and behave as if there is nothing wrong with what he is doing? It is so cruel and bizarre.. Then he calls me and tells me how they are all hanging out and how he gets invited to my ex brother in laws for Thanksgiving etc,. While I am without money and completely isolated and alone, form people I introduced him too.. I am so upside down emotionally as it all makes no sense, and how can someone be that evil and smooth, it ‘s as if he has everyone under his spell. He absolutely behaves as if this is all normal and appropriate.. In fact both of them do, my ex and him both. I have told my ex N husband numerous times, do not leave your kids or pets alone with my NP half brother. He did some awful things when he first arrived in my state over 11 years ago when he stayed in my home to me and my pets, then it extended into social, financial and need I even say more. He tried to get me in trouble with the law and has completely turned my ex husband against me. I was still doing business with my ex to recover and rebuild from my divorce and my sick, weird half brother came into the picture acting like he was interested in everything I did, liked, flattered and complemented me, even tried to have inapropriate relations with me, talks to me using sexual references etc.. The P-half brother was physically and verbally abusive, so I attempted to throw him out immediately after he arrived as I notice he began drinking, cursing and slamming doors and I heard him call me a bitch and whore, within 12 hours of being in my home after I picked him up from the bus station, our first meeting. I called one of my sisters and immediately let her know there was something very wrong with my half brother.. I immediately let my ex know something was wrong with him and all he said was give the guy a chance because he used to be in the military and needs a break.. WHAT? UGh! Somehow, I got the impression that it appeared I was being hard on this guy for no reason. Next thing, you know, I am getting cut off from business contracts and P-half brother that I barely knew took over… It’s a long story to even begin with examples of how all that started, but, my ex begged me to bring him bag after I kicked him out, because he said it would benefit me by doing so, because he needed a driver for his business and promised to keep him out of my way, but I said, I don’t want him associated or anywhere near. I should have not trusted my N ex husband, he had an agenda, was still nice to me at the time, but then things started to get very strange and now, my ex husband cut me off, yells at me and completely abandoned his word to me on providing help or support for me to complete my second degree.. Everything little by little began to deteriorate around me.. Hence, the state of feeling like I have shrunk.. I lost all my energy thinking that if I just hang on a little longer people will see how dangerous P-half brother is.. Instead, my ex N husbands personality completely changed, he’s nastier than every toward me, cut me off from the entire business with no word or explanation. I even walked in a few times and seen strangers doing my job along with P-brother. I was dependent on those jobs, did them well, very successfully increased value of business as well as manage to cut costs.. Then out of no where, they both started doing weird things, like disconnecting the network, printers or distracting by yelling or conversing when I was in the middle of important things. Being that I was also a student, P – brother, would lock me out of the ware house at night, and put big chains on the doors as I had to collect supplies late night after finishing with school.. As soon as I told my ex husband all the strange things he was doing and disrupting my routines, my ex instead of taking action to make it stop, turned on me and took P-brothers side and began a campaign to block me out even more.. Sometimes I wonder if they are having a homosexual relationship.. Something is very wrong and I have suffered bad.. I have not done anything to deserve this, they lied to me and turned on me. Believe me if I was doing something that caused this I would gladly admit it, but I brought them together to help them, they promised I would be taken care of then the complete opposite happened.. It’s very scary to have witnessed and been a part of this kind of situation. This is only a piece of the horror story, there is so much more.. All I can say, it is the worst thing I have ever experienced..
It feels like a fantasy that I will ever find a way out.. In my mind I want to do something, yet feel paralyzed and small..
I once was a headstrong driven and stubborn person..
My ex used to tell me he was going to break my spirit, he owns many properties, has financial resources and made sure I could not fulfill my dream to be an engineer..
I don’t understand how they were able to suck the life out of me, the got me isolated, turned people against me and it got worse from there.. The economic attack and suffering st to get my basic neceesities is the hardest part at this time along with making it appear to everyone that I am okay.. My life is now a lie like them and they say the past is the past and accuse me of blaming them..
I am exhausted and completely alone…
You are NOT alone. You have us. We ALL understand how you are feeling – is the email that you gave to the site a genuine one? I will write to that? Can you let me know? If not if you mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org I can reply to you.
Sending you a hug, I know right now it probably feels like your world is crashing all around you – you can get through this, you just have to remove the toxins from your life x
Yes, it is a genuine email you can communicate through..
I agree that once those toxins are out of the way I can get back to the person I would like to be.. Hugs back, thank you!
Ok will send u a mail now 🙂
This is a wonderful post and you really do a great job putting things into perspective…
I have not verbally spoken to my ex-socio since May of 2013, followed by an email I sent to him mid May, explaining why I would never speak to him again. It was very long, and at the time I did not know he was a sociopath. Unfortunately at the end of the email, I told him if he ever wanted a friendship with me ever again, he would have to come clean and give me a sincere apology. Also, somewhere in the letter I told him that I still saw good in him. That was bad that I seem to have given him an invitation back. Most of the letter describes what he was, I described this sweet loving face, then a mean hateful face. I described lies and manipulation. I even told him that I was not his victim. If you don’t mind, some time I would like to send you a copy. To get your thoughts. Looking back at it, really describes a sociopath.
I never heard from him after the email I sent. In July 2013, I sent him a final communication through text, and I was basically saying that I did not understand why he did what he did. I said I realized that people that can’t be alone must not love themselves. I told him that I felt bad for him, and wished him the best as I still believed he was a good person. And I asked him to not mention my name to anyone else, because I was told that he was saying that I was “just something to do” I told him that I was heartbroken and humiliated enough by everything that happened.
Of course, no response from him. I wish I had never sent that last text. I now realize that there was never ever anything good about him. He was a lie.
This post today, really does outline a lot of what I went through and was feeling. I have to say the betrayal has been the worst for me. I have been hurt in the past by strangers. I have been the victim and survived horrific crimes 2 times in my life, once at age 18 and another at age 19. I am blessed to be alive.
I’ve had a few bad relationships. But this guy was someone I knew since age 5. We were innocent children together and grew up together.. We have a lot of memories, share some of the same friends, our families were friends. We had an unbreakable bond. (so I thought) a few years after high school we went our separate ways. We have seen each other here and there over the years. A mutual friend let me know that my ex-socio’s father passed away in early 2012. (at the time we were still only friends) I called him to offer condolence and soon after we were catching up, talking everyday on the phone sometimes till 4 a.m. He told me that he had been in love with me since we were kids, and he brought up a lot of memories. He said that childhood love never dies. We got in a relationship and he was the most amazing guy ever.. Funny thing is, I don’t ever remember him being THIS amazing when we were growing up. I was so excited about him that I could not sleep. He never even seemed like he was “preying” on me. I guess the timing was just right for him and I just kind of fell into his lap.
After all the lies, the betrayal, the cheating, the manipulation, the emotional and physical abuse… he definitely did suck the life out of me, and the betrayal was so hard to deal with.. I felt like I lost a life long friendship. I could not understand why he would choose me to do that to, when he could have chosen some other random woman. He could have left me and my life alone. What did I ever do to deserve that?
When I left him (and I am sure he has lied to himself and told himself that he left me.. but one of the last things he ever said to me was “I Love you” he never closed the door with me) I left because I found out he was cheating again on me. When I left, after I sent the lengthy email, I cried every morning and night for about 3 months. Some time after August, I only cried sometimes. Now I do not cry, but I still have problems with motivation and energy. I don’t do a lot of anything social. I started going to a church recovery group to help with my anger issues, but I stopped. They don’t understand. I have not worked since February 2013 and I just don’t have the get up and go.
Before I broke it off with him, I typed out a lot of emails to him from time to time, but never sent. I was trying to put things in perspective. Different things he was doing, saying. Also, I would always type out lists of thing that were bad about him, and also messages that I would never send.
A lot of this helped me. Normally, I am a very uplifting positive person that sees the good in others. With this situation, I had to focus on all the negative and realize that the positive was a lie. That was the only thing that helped me at that time.
I am wondering if I should try to get professional help. I have already had PTSD from the past, that I pretty much never dealt with. I sleep with a light on and keep extra bars on my doors unless he ever tries to break in and hurt me, while I am sleeping. I know that I am getting better and better every day. And I know all the right things to do to move forward.. I am just really struggling with moving forward in my life as far as goals and business. I feel stuck.
I will say that reading everything you have here, and interacting is helping me very much 🙂 I do plan on donating as soon as I am able to 🙂
Hi Newday, I think that professional help is always good, if you can access it. if you had PTSD from earlier in your life, being in an abusive relationship can freeze your brain back into shock and trauma. You say that he was physically abusive, this alone can cause PTSD if you felt in fear of your life and couldn’t escape.
Have you tried just writing down a list of goals for you. Make small goals, and one long term goal. THey can be anything like cleaning a kitchen cupboard. This should help with your self esteem. By acheiving small goals you will grow.
I am pleased to hear that you are getting better…. it is slow, after all the abuse didn’t happen overnight, why would recovery?
I understand the sense of betrayal. Being betrayed is the most painful feeling of all. Especially when you feel betrayed by someone you love.
Yes PositivaGirl, the betrayal was pretty horrible especially since I had a love for him, that was like family. We grew up in a small church congregation.. It was pretty tight knit. Then being in love was a whole new thing. But now, all of it has been destroyed.
I went from being afraid of strangers, to being terrified of someone I trusted my whole life, someone I was in love with. We were in the same bed and I was having nightmares about him choking me… He was supposed to be the one to protect me and keep me safe. I never knew what it was like to be fearful of someone I knew personally, let alone someone I knew and trusted for the past 35 years of my life!
The goals do sound good, I need to put those into writing. I was writing prayers in a tablet. Thanking God ahead of time for things that I wanted to happen in my life. I kind of stopped that. I will start making some goals tonight.
Yes and make sure that your goals are smart (there are a lot of workbook excercises that are posts on this site)
Make your goals….SMART
Specific – Be specific about what you want to achieve
Measured – How will you know that you have achieved it?
Achievable – Make sure that it is achievable (Ie dont put you want to fly to the moon!!)
Realistic – is what you want and how long you have to do it, very realistic?
Timetabled – What is your timetable for doing this? – Three days – three months…
Always make sure you put ONE long term goal in there – that could be anything, to get married, buy a house, travel – anything. Something that you cannot do short term…. this will keep you going and help with motivation and something to work towards.
Thank you PositivaGirl, I will get to this, and thank you for outlining it all for me!! I need goals instead of watching my life go by! I will also look for the work book excercises!
I finally learned the only way for me to move on and away from my socio Ex husband was to NEVER communicate with him in this life time. Forgive myself for marrying him and bringing him into my State, Town, Home of my circle of family / friends. Number #3, forgive him so that I may heal and move on to a new chapter in my life and stop staying stuck in the past horror story. I’ve been in this healing process for 5 years and each day I feel mentally / physically healthier…Hallelujah! Today he is in prison, where he belongs and he’ll get out soon enough. He’s spent most of his adult life in and out of prison and he’s comfortable being institutionalized because it is the only place where thugs think they are celebs and they seem to feel safe compared to walking the streets where they have no guards to protect them
What creeps me out, Alice in Wonderland is his favorite movie. Now I get why. I never liked this particular story, because it was inconsistent, back stabbing, and the girl wakes up, not knowing if it was a dream or real? Sorry, my nightmare with NS, I am living with my eyes wide open, no dream to wake up.
This was my marriage. I loved, I trusted, I gave, until I emotionally and financially had nothing left because he lied, he cheated, and he took everything he could.
I have promised myself to never communicate with him again, however, I do still have minimal contact with his family, and I’m looking for advice about that. Do you think I should just let the relationships there fade away naturally??
Yes. Otherwise you will continue to be tied. And in his mind, he still has some connection to you. He thinks that you are going nowhere as you are still connected to his family.
I’ve tried hard to be fair to them, but they knew what he was like and never told me. Once we were separated, one of his brothers told me that early in our relationship, they discovered he had used his mother’s credit card and ran up a substantial bill (before he met me) and they were livid. He convinced them that because of ME, he had turned over a new leaf and was doing the right things… and they believed him!!!
I have been on the fence about letting the relationships go – it is not in my nature to hold people responsible for things that someone else does, but in reality they are complicit in all of this. I sometimes think they were just glad he was out of their hair and not victimizing any of them.
Sigh…. “What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive”. Unfortunately, these nut jobs don’t give a damn.
Thanks for the advice!!! =)
Your story is heartbreaking. I can relate to the shock and heartache of someone you have known for such a long time turning out to be someone you have to say you really did not know at all or witnessing a different creature or entity emerge.
Sending hugs your way. I also get the part about feeling stuck. I am there too and Positivagirl has given some very good advice.. I would say more, but need to get some rest.
It’s been a few days since I discovered my so called Bf’s betrayal.. I thought I loved him very much especially given the 20+ year history with a 6 year gap of not seeing him much, I tried to slowly give him a chance to worm his way back in, now I am not sure what it was.. All I know is I don’t want “it” near me anymore!
Just want you to know I can relate because after all you have been through all that did was re-awaken other past trauma and caused a major set back for you..
Just know I completely get it and understand..
Personality disorders are rampant it seems..
Keeping you in my thoughts as well..
Signing off, I need some rest.. I am still trying to digest what I found out this week on top of my pre-existing problem with the ex and my half-brother, it’s all too much.. With this recent event, some moments I feel like it has sunk in, think I am okay, then I get worried, then feel angry all over again – wondering just how crazy he might really be or what he may do to me since he is a cop and seems to have turned on me since his sudden life plans have turned in another direction – hopefully nothing and he is done with me, just that I caught him following me once in the past after not seeing him for a few years, who knows what goes on in his mind at times.. I can’t believe he was planning to live a double life, good thing I caught on fast, he truly could have potentially placed me in a dangerous position – so glad I checked up and verified he had something to hide.. The sadness is less, just more at the anger and confusion stage, more so with the anger.. I want it to stop.. Soon!
Thank you for the encouragement!
It was hard to realize that someone I trusted my whole life was capable of this. When I was abducted at gunpoint and raped by 3 guys at age 18 and one year later when my house was broken into by 2 guys in ski masks at knife point, I was raped again and beaten. These were strangers, evil, criminals.. Men I had nightmares about for years, nightmares about being killed. I know what its like to not know if I will never see my family or friends again. These were horrible people.
I never knew that I would ever be fearing my life because of a trusted family friend that I knew since childhood. I know this happens to others, but had not happened to me yet. He was considered a “safe” person in my life.
Yet another life lesson learned.. but I am still here and so are you. I am sure we are here for a purpose. When we are tested by fire, we are being prepared for greatness, believe that!! Sorry about what you are going through, I know you have a long hard road ahead. I hope and pray you can move forward and not look back.. & not go back… It will only get worse if you do. Rooting for you and wishing you the best in all of this!!
Thank you.. I will be offline the next few days, going to be busy, but when I get a moment in between -hopefully, I will drop in to comment more. Can’t say what I would like for now, but I completely agree. After hearing your story, it’s making me want to get up and look forward to never looking back, seeing life and people in a completely different light now and need to learn how to establish better boundaries. I had a similar tragedy to yours, only it was by one man, years ago, then a series of tragedies back to back.. It has to stop!!!.. All I can say, is there is nothing more challenging for the mind to discover who you considered the safe person turns out to be a fictional character – all a lie! I am awake and aware now. These people find us when we are knocked down and play a vicious cat and mouse baiting game instead of helping people get back up.. It’s very cruel.. They have special radar, highly predatory and good at what they do. Thank you and all the other women who are coming forward with all the life changing and familiar horror stories.. We need to know we are not alone or going crazy.. There are real life monsters out there looking to destroy to gain their own energy and feed their ego – it’s very harsh, sickening and sadistic.. Sending love and healing to you and everyone suffering from this phenomenon.. I’ll check back in soon when I have more time to share.
Wow ND that is hardcore. Did you get treatment for PTSD.
Hi PositivaGirl –
This all happened a little over 20 years ago. Back then, I went to support group called MOCSA, metropolitan organization to counter sexual assault… The support groups were not helpful as I became too upset hearing the other stories. My heart broke for them. I won’t even watch the news because I get too upset when I hear of victims of horrible & violent crimes. They did have me on a med for PTSD to help me sleep at night. I haven’t been on meds since the 90s. They had me go to a self defense class back then also.
I am doing much better than I was all those years ago.. I used to be terrified if anyone knocked on my door unannounced, or even if a guy looked at me out in public. Also, I would feel trapped if I was in my car, in line with a car in front and a car behind me, like at a fast food restaurant. Now days, I sleep pretty good, don’t usually have nightmares. If I do have a nightmare, I know how to wake myself up. Usually its someone trying to kill me and I pull myself out of the dream before it happens. I then have to stay awake and find something to get my mind off the dream. I sleep with low light Christmas lights on my wall, so I can see my surroundings when I wake.
One thing that I have realized, is that I have lost a good sized amount of my memory prior to these attacks. I remember names, faces and voices more than I do experiences.. Meaning people I have lost contact with and reconnected with over the years… When talking with them, I don’t quite remember how our friendships were and what things we did. People always tell me stuff I don’t remember. Big stuff!
The PTSD is still there, I have situations of intense fear at times, if someone looks at me funny driving down the road. One time my daughter was watching Dr. Phil and there was a lady on the show talking about a home invasion and how she was victimized. Every time I closed my eyes to sleep that night, I could hear feet running through my house.
So, basically no real, lasting treatment. Just been busy in life. Taking care of my daughter, my parents.. and everyone else except myself.
Your situation of being attacked brings back memories of my first “hell” back in 1998-99.. I was getting divorced from N-ex husband. My father was in hospice dying of cancer at the same time..
There was a man renting a room down the street at a neighbors home and he would watch me a lot. Soon he came by and asked if I need tools to trim a large tree in my yard. He seemed a bit weird, but being that I was not in my right mind and no support – was easy prey at that time.. Completely unaware of how vulnerable I was or must have appeared. I was at a low point, sad, facing so many losses at once and had no clue about Sociopaths and predators along with how they have a unique radar for people broken, lonely, lacking support and in distress.. I dicovered over time this guy had alcohol and substance problems and I wanted him gone. Right away after meeting hima nd letting him in my home, the place was broken into and it was connected to him of course. FFWD – as time passed I witnessed his room spinning rages that would come out of nowhere, very powerful and extremely draining and confusing. One night after he hysterically begged me to let him in crying and putting on a drama show, he blew a fuse and tried to strangle me to death. I remember almost losing consciousness and seeing my life flash past me and the last thing I though of was not seeing my kid again.. Everything flashed by so fast, in fact I think everyone or whatever matter zipped through very fast as well. Found out five years later that same man viciously attacked another girl in the exact same way. For 14 years after, I still felt paranoid and like he was going to get me. I think I am past it now, but just writing about it is scaring me as I took so many years to stop feeling stalked. He did do that for three years after and has a long history of beating and terrorizing women..He turned my neighbor against me for years, but if it was not for that one girl he strangled who came to my house and to my neighbor to tell her lifechanging horror story, my neighbor would have always thought I made it up as he lied and played victim.. He was like the Tazmanian devil, it would literally ssem like he would go into a whirlwind spin of rage that would through you off balance and catch you off guard and man was ever so powerful, physically.. I am forever shaken by that monster.. Then I met a new guy who bought a house next to me. I thought I was safe with him and he turned out to be another psychopath-N-Bully! He was mentally, verbally and physically abusive too. I got a restraining order, then he had several girls over and would have loud sex with the walls open as he was rebuilding that house at the time.. I was in fear of my last guy, then he would mock me and make fun saying I made the other guy crazy. He invited these other punk neighbors who lived in the house on the other side of mine and turned them all against me. These were once my friendly younger neighbors who saved me from attacks from the last monster. When the first monster got acquitted, then they all took this new guys side.. I could not come outside my house anymore for about 3-4 years as they all hung out oin packs acting likr they had to save the new guy from me.. It was so devastating to see another psycho do me in like that. One of his last girlfriends figured him out and tried to help me by letting me know she realized I was not crazy after things he started doing to her.. I had to hide, lay low and do nothing. Then he got married to this nasty mean fat blonde girl who for the past 14 years stalks my home, gibves me evil stares, gopt prnant and had two kids to blend in with two new familes that moved into the community. One of those families lives in the house on the other side of me where the young guys used to live that the psycho-man neigh or I dated used to hang out with. As soon as those kids got evicted, his cohorts and forces against me were gone.. He was very smooth and smart by immediately marrying the large mean blond woman who always has a very mean look on her face.. He told she and her mom that I was dangerous and crazy and one day after he moved her in and her momcame to visit, the mother threatened me with her car. Then I had to watch in horror as they all went to the community block partied pretending to be nice and social participating and bringing gifts etc., I. Went to some, but not often because it was like watching a giant freak show go on.. I was stressed out beyond belief! That’s. When my P- half brother came here, actually before P-neighbor married and moved this mean woman and her weird mother in.. They both never even said hi or spoke to me and treated me badly – instantly all because he told them I was a horrible person. Then I every time I told P-brother about how the new wife was trying to control my home, things around the property line etc, believe me this story is big and nasty, but I did everything in my power to do nothing because I knew anything I would say or do would make me look crazy, it was so hard to maintain my composure and stay calm with all the bullying and humiliation and my P-brother would start screaming at me, changing the subject, walk away or hang up phone calls if I needed to tell someone what was happening.. I was once again being abused by another target who then infiltrated what was left of my social and economic support.. I slowly began to decline, I could not remember things, reading and focsing became impossible. I also ran into peoplw who knew me from years ago at a local grocery store and for the life of me I could not remember him, but we spoke about other people on the crew there from the past.. I felt bad as it was becoming clear how much damage dealing with multiple bad situations caused and took a toll on my memory. I always had a sharp mind, loved everyone and was always giving, popular and like by most people. People were always drawn to me and I was always socially cool! Now, I don’t even feel like I have that way about me anymore.. People seems weird to me and I don’t care for or trust anyone these days after being surrounded by and witnessing so many people I did like get brainwashed by those who were against me.. I realize how easy it is for bad people to take all the people you like or that you thought were nice away from you! My one neighbor and I did not talk for 5 years after the first P strangled me.. Now. That she realized wht actually happened she hugs me and invites me to her galleries, and we talked about his strange behavior and compared instances.. She has apologized for thinking I was bad news and I accept it, but the weird part is the scars are there.. I am truly okay with her and even shared bits about our other neighbor, because he targeted her and befrinded her as well to save his face, but once the news got to her that the stranger P- was aqcuitted, then yet committed the same crime, I m sure she has caught on to how these guys lie to save face.. That new P-neighbor probably doesn’t know that the other guys acquittal was over run once that other showed up that he foolishly brought to the neighborhood and showed her my house! I had multiple situations back to back in my community, family and private life.. It has been so hard to understand, why, how and for what reason all these bad things like a cycle kept happening to me.. My last hope and friend was the cop I knew from over 20 years ago, he talked of us getting together after he retires in a few years. I told him I need about 4 years to bounce back from all this mess I went through.. I just need some time.. Then I find out he was playing with mind and deceiving me too, when I confronted him, the look on his face and body language seemed as if I had no idea who he was, it was like he was turning on me in a cold, calculated and distant manner.. When I discovered he recntly bought a house with his co worker and hid that from me, I realized he was leading a double life.. ,o one derves that.. WTH! Is. Going on in this world.. It’s getting scary out there.. 😦
Wow Sunshine! I am so sorry to hear about all that you have endured, and I sincerely hope that you can heal from what you have went through and find happiness!
Have you ever heard of the movie called “The Secret” ? It is about focusing on what you want in life to attract good into your life. If you focus on negative, you will keep getting it.. If you focus on Positive, then that will come, but you have to be Thankful for it, as if it has already happened. Like for example: “I am so thankful and grateful that New, Wonderful, Loving, Caring, Sincere people with Integrity are coming into my life and having this happen makes me feel so content and happy!!” You have to make yourself feel as you would if it has already happened.
Everything taught in “The Secret” is what I need to practice, because I do not want to ATTRACT any more bad into my life. Our thoughts become our realities, so we need to choose our thoughts and focus wisely! It is good to read the blogs here, because it helps us all to understand what has happened to us and that we are not crazy. Also to help us to be able to detect these kind of people and avoid them completely!
Here is a link to “The Secret” You can get the dvd on amazon.
It also comes in a book!!
Also, the same writer of “The Secret” created “The Power” and I believe Positiva has posted info about “The Power” in one of her recent blogs!!
I believe “The Power” and “The Secret” are both written by Rhonda Byrne. “The Secret” features a lot of professionals.. including Jack Canfield author of “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books.
I hope some of this helps for you or anyone on this site!! I need to watch “The Secret” again and implement it, also Need to watch “The Power” for the first time!!
Wishing you the Best, Sunshine!
Thanks so much for taking a moment to share information about “The Secret”. Yes, I remember hearing of that a few years ago from a young woman who was a rape survivor along with other hardships and I remember her mentioning that to me, but I never looked into it. I will certainly do so now that it has come up again.. Very good advice. Today, I had some time to reflect on what the recent Bf did to me.. I am truly amazed at how he lied to me about our relationship, then the more I analyzed it, everything, the whole thing, even he seems to be one giant lie now. After 20 + years of knowing him, he knew I faced some other weird stuff recently and the moment I confronted him with questions about himself, only to discover he was living a completely separate life and playing with mine like that just blows my mind. Especially considering who he is and his work position in my area.. It’s scary to know and tells me he is a very sick individual and I am certain I don’t even know the half of what or who he really is. I am glad I did not bother to tell the woman he just bought a home with anything. I just felt the need to slide out and get myself free from any drama. Had to let the shock, surprise and disbelief sink in.. Sort of reminds me of the Scott Peterson case and I don’t know why I am thinking of that. But this man that I loved dearly, just bought a huge and expensive beautiful home with his co-worker and he was planning to extend his game even after making that move with her, until I blew his cover… I am so freaked out and can’t believe I called this man my friend. I can only imagine what he may keep doing behind her back and I am glad I am not the one who bought a home with him.. I must be thankful, it’s not me who plunged not knowing that I truly do not know what he is capable of.. Wow.. I really thought this time around we had a chance to actually become more and share a life together since he was telling me we could potentially make plans to do so.. What a sick man.
I’m new to this blog. As I’m reading these responses, I see that we all have more than one sociopath in our life. I read anything I can find on the topic, and I bring back the info to my therapist who just stares at me. I usually leave her office feeling like I’m crazy. I can’t talk to anyone…friends or family, because I can sense that they are thinking I’m the problem. I feel like I’m at a point where I can identify sociopathic behavior in people rather quickly, and I won’t stand for it anymore. So here’s my question…will I always attract sociopaths? Will they always be attracted to me? Because this is killing me…I spend most of my time alone and afraid to go out with men, because they all have NPD or seem to lack empathy. I am an elementary teacher, and I use match to meet new people…how can I see in a profile that they are sociopaths and how can they see I am a target? How do I stop this cycle?
First, find another therapist, it doesn’t sound like she is helping you. Someone worth their salt will research what you are proposing if they don’t know a lot about it. She should also be hearing you out about the “cycle” you feel you are in of attracting these types and should be able to help you think that through and take steps to make the changes you need,
No,you are not crazy. In fact,I feel you completely. When you realize that everything with and about the sociopath was a big lie,you feel drained…alone…depressed…you feel like crying 24/7 because you /simply/ don’t want to believe that the person you trusted used you.
I want to give you several tips on how to be more careful…
1. Google is your friend. Whether you need to check an image you have of a suspected sociopath or to find info about the existence of a person under that name, google can help. Of course,you will not get A-Class results -but- if you are lucky… google will turn on your alarm before it is too late.
2. Before you trust others,trust yourself. YOU are your best friend. YOU know what you love,what makes you happy,what hurts you,and only YOU can sense your gut telling you that things are too good to be true. You know the feeling in your stomach you get when you sense something? Yes…THAT!
Also,take Therapy -but- find a psychotherapist. I know,I know… Psychotherapists are only for clinically insane people but in combination with pills they prescribe you and group therapy, also individual therapy /AND/ even psychiatric hospital for a short period… THEY CAN TRULY HELP… TAKE THE STEP!
Girl,I was in a clinic for 2 weeks to cure my suicidal thoughts and anxiety attacks. It helped. I’m out of the phase where I suffered after the sociopath. I drink the pill once per day and visit my therapist when needed. I live calmer now. I’m working on getting my life fully back!
Kind regards,dear! 🙂
While checking someone out on Google can provide some information, my ex SP/N has been really smart and has virtually erased his internet footprint, and what he does have online is under a fake name (he doesn’t know that I know about it).
I saw a therapist once – after the first hour she told me that she would like to beat him with a bat. Not quite instant gratification, but I certainly got some quick validation that there was something wrong!
I agree with you about how when a SP gets caught they go to ground and only resurface when the coast is clear. My SP / N moved from New Zealand to the US to escape the intractable mess he had created with his lies and deceit, walking away from his family AND children.
Hi Celeste, MiraMallory, and Ruby…
About Google.. I still can’t find anything about my Ex-Socio anywhere on the internet, Plus his name is kind of common, so I find a lot of people with his name. I did know him since I was five years old. There was no reason in my mind to Google him at the time. The thing is, even if a Sociopath is not visible on the internet, that does not mean much really. I have thought about going to local courts or public records to see if I could find anything. (Would have been better to do ahead of time)
I have read about somewhere online about sociopaths that they are good at deceiving authorities and court systems, that is why they never get caught. They can literally manipulate anyone. At one point in my relationship, my ex socio told me that at age 15, he murdered someone with a gun to the head in retaliation for the man raping his mother when he was 8. (In my mind, I could not understand if this was really true, or how if it truly happened, wouldn’t he have gotten caught?) But really… its so hard to know the truth with him, but if he did in fact murder that man, I am sure he could get away with it by manipulation. But why even tell me about it?? Maybe he was “grooming” me to be fearful of him??
Also, he told me that a few years ago, he was in the process of becoming a state trooper (police officer) but they would not accept him because of his “domestic record” He told me that his Ex-wife called the police on him when they were still married. He said she filed assault charges against him. He said he never did anything to her. He said that she got angry with him, and that she was throwing things at him. That all he did was pick her up and lock her out of the house. I am pretty sure that he was working on convincing the police on this stupid story!
I have done my best to look up online and even a court website for my state and have found none of this or any information on him besides a traffic ticket and divorce proceedings. I know that he has a personal attorney. So perhaps, he has paid the attorney to “expunge” his records. I know he does not want any of his “targets” to find anything out. In my opinion, he is an idiot who lacks common sense and he is a horrible sloppy liar.. But he can deceive others better than me, especially when his new targets are out of state! But he is smart enough to cover his tracks up!!
I believe we should always check out the backgrounds of our “potential boyfriend/girlfriend” before entering a relationship with them. We can go to courts, we can do online searches, we can do online background checks. HOWEVER…. if we do not FIND anything, that does NOT mean that they have not done anything wrong or illegal!! Also, there are many criminals out there that just have not been caught yet!! There are websites to look up and see if there is a registered sex offender in your neighborhood, and that is great. But you still CANNOT trust anybody!! Because your next door neighbor is not on the “offender list” does not mean that he is not going to sexually assault someone tomorrow!! And.. even if a sociopath does not have a criminal past, does not mean they are not evil, they can still hurt you and do unimaginable damage to you without ever committing any crimes in the past! And they ARE evil!!
Dear Celeste and NewDay23,
My Sociopath brought me into the situation of committing suicide. She spread gruesome lies about me online just to “filth my reputation and take my place”. She could not bear the fact that my Twitter account had a,constantly growing,popularity.
To her,a Twitter account with an Ocean of followers is “mighty” and can do big influential things,even “keep her save” so she can continue her cyberbullying and mind games. Her targets were always very popular Twitter users. Her stolen Identity’s were smaller less known (mostly Juvenile) models like Nadia Ezra or fashion Guru Ieve Chanelette from Lithuania. Her “creativity” to create stories is from what she ditches real informations from people she previously deceived.
Knowing that I’m about to demolish her net of deceiving,manipulating and lying,she took the impudence and courage to threaten me all like “My lawyer has an IT-Program tied to your IP-Address. You mention my name or anything I said in any context online,you’ll be arrested!”
-BUT-… I had friends,smart friends. And one of my friends happens to be the daughter of Spain’s famous criminal law Judge. I called my friend for help and got legal protection while they were checking on her. The moment my lawyer contacted her,she hid in a mouse hole. Changed her phone number,online accounts -but- did not discontinue cyberbullying. Just when she was about to face Jail,she quit.
I encourage you to find legal support. There are lawyers specialized into cases of online deceiving or sociopathic frauds.
For ANY information which can be useful to you and help you fight the sociopath,you can contact me under (email@example.com)
I may not be the best guide or solution finder -but- I can help with experience. 😀
All the best ❤
That’s exactly what has happened to me. I feel so small, so microscopic that I think I have nothibg to offer this world. God knows if I’ll ever be able to have a normal relationship with another man. I actually quite doubt I will. I’ve lost ally zeal and enthusiasm. I just want to sleep everyday. I’m trying NC and was good for 2.5 whole months …. Then last Sunday out of the blue he turned up aty house. My whole body started shaking and I know i should have let him stay outside ….. But I let him in. And he promised that he’d be good and true. And even though while he was saying all these things i knew it was all lies …………..I was not strong to resist. Now one week on and I’ve been discarded – again. Hurting like crazy-again. Feeling small-again. I scream but it doesn’t help. What’s happening to me????? Why am I so weak. You know I’ve literally Begged him to stay away. But its like he knows how hard it is for me and tortures me using my own feelings against me. I think I may have to move to another country. I have no job cuz he made me lose that. I have no friends. No network. I might as well right? How can I heal if every time I get to a place where I feel good he comes back in? What’s happening to my life? O my god, what kind of future can i have? Its just so sad …I’m just so sad.
This is so very true, you are so spot on I can’t even believe it, hind site is so CLEAR 20/20 but still I would be in that relationship if he did not discard me so badly – sick sick sick!!!!!!!! Miss him everyday and knowing he is in his Peter Pan fun loving stage with his new fiance’ I just can’t wait until she gets hers hope she suffers like me 😦
@t .. She will and it is really and truly just so tragic. Another woman in pain.
wow – great post. so spot on. i really felt the walls closing in on myself everyday that went by with my SP ex. actually i still do at times. he really shrank my world down to his level. he used to say ‘our days are numbered if we can’t figure this out’. there was a constant passive threat that he would leave if i didn’t let him do what he wanted. its like being squashed into submission. time after time, his terrible behavior causing so much havoc – only to then turn it all around on me and my misgivings.
pos i have 2 questions for you when you get a chance.
1. how calculated do you think all this is? my ex told me i was his first serious partner… so i don’t think he was particularly practiced. altho so many things you mention in a variety of posts describe him.
2. i haven’t heard a peep from him since we split. its been 2.5 months. you say that they often come back looking for a way in. when do you find they start doing this and is it possible that he never will try? [i hope so… but if not, i just want to be ready]
thank you for another wise post and let me know your thoughts on the above. i’m very curious.
Some come back and some don’t. However, he could be busy elsewhere. Some can make contact a year later. Just depends how they feel, if they are lonely – they ALWAYS need someone else to mirror and to bounce off….
If that source runs out they come back to you (or someone else) …. they also have no conscience, so they can just contact you. As they don’t think what they have done is wrong.
If you WERE his first partner….. I would imagine that he would have been back to see what you were doing prior to 2.5 months.
” You will never be in the sociopaths life. They will only be in yours. This is how the sociopath operates. ” The key comment. This says it all.
Typical how everything about their presence and the things they do make no sense. All that damage they do, then leave people hanging high and dry! Pointless.. Sheesh! If only people who practice revenge could be that good.. Hahahahah! Omg! At least there would be a purpose for perpetrating that type of abuse or injury on someone (Source target being the sociopath instead).. Then again, I wonder if a Sociopath was the target, it most likely will not affect them psychologically and emotionally like it does with an Empath to play all the mind games and harm at every level they cause – they will not learn anything from any lesson tossed back at them…. This is a very bad criminal personality disorder that needs to be dealt with aggressively. Then again, perhaps they are purposely bred somehow, genetically as well as from head injury or deliberate chemical means we are not aware of.. Why are so many males like this? Maybe society wants them to attack the population to break more people for some sort of control as they cause nothing but complete breakdown of systems, lives and disrupt some of our best and brightest.. .. They will use you to get to your resources and when yours run out if you have wealthy or successful aquaintances they will hang out with you just to get to them then dump you without warning.. Don’t bother trying to tell people what has happened because they have already silently been feeding bad and false information about you to other people, so by the time you go looking for help, everyone will not take you seriously and simply just think you are obsessing or being irrational over a broken or failed relationship.. Hahahahah – A**_ _ _ _ _,,, and then they just drift along still hanging out and blending in to your social circles and you may even find yourself having to put on a false front and pretend like you are good friends with this individual(s), because all the other people are oblivious or currently under the same spell you are evolving out of with them, so now, you are a threat, because you are on to them. You have already suffered. They will not allow you to destroy their opportunity at getting a new source of energy and supply, you will be squished to nothing, your credibility will be completely non-existent and then when and if others do get it at some point, it will be too late, you will want to avoid them all and you will never feel the same about those who you thought knew your character enough not to fall for being fooled into thinking you have some sort of psychiatric problems.. LOL! It’s not funny, but I just had to laugh at how amazing and skilled these jerks can truly be. The amazing part is eventually you do become drained and depressed and depleted of energy.. I don’t know.. These men and women too are extremely destructive and they don’t have the ability to care, it’s how they survive.. It’s weird!
It’s true though isn’t it. It was a eureka moment one day on the phone…. and I thought hang on…. he has always been in my life, I have never been in his…. how clever.
It is very true. If you are in your partners life, I would wonder are they a sociopath as they do live double lives and are so paranoid they keep it all separate – on purpose. This is how they keep the greatest control.
Its the divide and conquer rule.
It is a eureka moment indeed. I did in fact know this was happening to me all along. I was very aware of it, just couldn’t understand why.
I think it really helped me. As when I went back to the ‘I miss him’ I realised that you know what I was missing out on a normal relationship. I was missing out on the sharing. I realised that while he was sharing MY life…. he never gave any of his life to me. He kept that intact. Whilst he caused carnage in my life – where I had to pick up the pieces – his own life was all as it was. No damage.
Normally when a relationship ends, you miss all that goes with it. The family, friends, joint social life etc…. I realised that I actually missed the people who had had hooked onto who were in my life before I met him. All I incurred was loss – and he achieved gain – at the expense of me.
I was never in his life, or part of his life – yet he was clever at giving the illusion that he was central to my world. I must write a post about this……
It’s true though isn’t it. It was a eureka moment one day on the phone…. and I thought hang on…. he has always been in my life, I have never been in his…. how clever.
It is very true. If you are in your partners life, I would wonder are they a sociopath as they do live double lives and are so paranoid they keep it all separate – on purpose. This is how they keep the greatest control.
Its the divide and conquer rule.
I agree with the divide and conquer rule.. Absolutely a pattern with every single one.. Scary. Malignant Narcissistic mothers or Sociopath moms do exactly the same with their kids and destroy their families for years on end and it’s sad to watch how they all function amongst each other when the old psychopath culprit gets on in years, in poor health or in the early stages of Dementia.. They only get worse with age.. They are a terrible burden. Ladies, whatever profound love you may have had for a man like this whether it was for many years or not that long, find a way to cancel it out or at least somehow set it aside and realize you have been hypnotized by a very powerful and deceptive entity.. Everyone involved WILL be a casualty.. Very sad..
Yes, it is true. Very very true. And yes, their gain, is your loss and at your expense. Probably one of the most infuriating and frustrating aspects of the aftermath, and why we are so tormented by the need for revenge. They do let you in to parts of your life, however they are insignificant parts. They do this, because they know they have to play the game to a certain degree, or you will figure it all out. For example he always insisted I was by his side at family functions, and I was very close to his mother. But when it came to being the best man at his best friends wedding, I was conveniently left off the invitation list. I thought him wanting me to be close to his mother was a good sign, thinking that this was the most important aspect of his life. But work was the most important aspect of his life. Work was where he got his primary supply from. And I was always uncomfortable around his colleagues. I always felt second rate and not welcome in the room, as though I were an intruder, or like they didn’t even know who I was. He blamed that on me somehow. I wasn’t friendly enough or didn’t pop into the office enough etc etc. Yes, a eureka moment indeed!
Exactly, having survived multiple experiences, it’s all very much the same.. Anyone reading my previous post please excuse the typos or grammar.. I typed some long comments from a Blackberry keypad and hope you can make sense of my posts..
I was always the compassionate, empathetic, loyal, tolerant, patient and generous type.. Quite skilled in many things that most women never do, even some men.. I am educated, ran a business successfully and was planning on proceeding with an education, now all that was interrupted.. I want to finished expanding on my educational goals now, but for so long I just could not focus, nor did I have the energy to get a new job or plan for school! All I want is to feel like my old self again. I wish I could erase the pain and trauma, I think seeing others talk about this and continuously obtaining more education on these personalities is helping in some way! I just find myself getting so angry, I feel robbed or valuable time, so stuck and lost.. So unfair to get stuck like this.. I wish there was help, understanding, justice and intervention thayt could have saved me and so many others from it dragging on and wasting years of our lives.. Those of us, trying to recover have lost too much.. I want to believe I can start over.. In my early 40’s and all those monsters got away with all the damage they caused, that’s what makes it worse – just thinking of it…
Sunshine! What a great confession over your life! You will indeed shine again! Trust me, you will. This will make you, and not break you, and the tools you will have gained to place in your belt will be a lot more than many people will ever attain to. I understand how you feel, I do. I understand the anger, and it still grips me at times. But the joy is overtaking, and it does more and more. As dicky as it sounds, you must focus on the positives. You could have stayed there forever, but you are free now. As you learn more about the insidiousness of this personality defect, you will feel more relief and more freedom, until you end up flying. I am living in a way that I never dreamed possible. And it all came through diligent pacing. It was hard, it was painful, but it was worth it. You can find me on facebook, under Red Light Runners Anonymous, and you can connect with me anytime you want to talk, as many others do. You are a winner, with so much going for you! Don’t stop now. Keep Going! xx
Thanks very much for taking time to say such inspiring words with insight to this kind of situation – it’s so refreshing to know you get it. It brings so much relief to know you understand this so well. I believe everything you said to me in response to my post to be true in terms of recovery and the tools I have gained, at the moment, still a bit blown away at this awakening, realization and experience as a whole, I must admit, this is a very shocking realization and perspective to be standing in, I am learning more about myself and abilities to withstand the pain, confusion, shock and experience of such a rough journey to travel through, to face head on, own up to and deal with.. I want to say more and responding from a mobile device which gives me a weird reply window, so I will stop here until I am at a PC to respond the way I would like to another time. The message from you allowed me to light up and smile for a moment and brings more hope to such an awful awakening and realization of things.. I will check the FB link and so very grateful for your comment, knowledge, experience and understanding. Very inspiring – again, thank you for such comforting words, encouragement and perfect insight, means a lot and sincerely appreciated – perfect timing as well, much needed!
I can’t see my comment. Either it was too long or it might appear later on. 😦
Hi Mira, there are problems with wordpress comments. Sometimes they vanish, every now and again I have to check – I will do so now.
Another great post! That is how they operate. Can you imagine, my ex spath used to say to me that I remind him of Alice. He even bought me a personalized Disney watch with Alice picture and my name on it. And for himself, he took the watch with Mad Hatter. It was popular when Tim Burton’s movie with Johnny Depp came out. What a sicko and wacko he was.
Nevermind,so I will just write another comment.
First,I want to thank you for doing this. The posts you post help a hell lot. On top of my Psychotherapy, I -seriously- need sometimes to let it out and to share my inner locked feelings.
I read this post and it screams Isabelle. How could I be see blind?
1. Seems just like you – She was like my mirror reflection. She made sure I see all I was loving and missing through my life in her.
2. Shares your interests and goals in life – ALL I loved, she loved too. She even “absorbed” my biggest love: The love for novel writing. She pretended it is her biggest love too.
3. Appears to be very keen on you – She always repeated how she is looking up to me. How her biggest dream is to be 1/4 of how “amazing” I am.
4. Is offering you exactly what you want and need – She was EVERYTHING: Best friend. Soul sister. She sucked out the last drop of energy I had left. After all, I tried suicide twice.
I also want to publish one of her letters. One in which she told her “tragic story” to gain sympathy. The ones who have read it so far say that it is too science Fiction to be true. I need your opinion on this too.
It’s so crazy.. I observed frequently over time how my P-half brothers takes on the identity of everyone he targets.. I noticed how he acted super excited and interested in Physics as I was taking that course when I first met him, then any other form of study, he would read and then try to act like he was very knowledgeable and interested..
Suddenly, he was into the arts, because he found another target, then started drawing and taking an art class which he dropped after 1month.
Then, a machinist he met via my connection, was also into motocross racing in the desert. He began watching videos this guy had for hours and hours every night.
Then, whenever knew people came in who were involved in other projects, suddenly, he was an expert in that, I also discovered he was putting information online via linked in that he was a specialist in a field that my ex husband is in.. They take on many identities dependent on the current target. It’s creepy.. These people are parasitic, deceitful, excessively helpful and flattering in the beginning to worm their way in..
Then, whether it’s business or a personal relationship, you will discover that there was never anything real there. It was all false as they appear to be who they are while they play the game of life wasting talent, resources and time riding on other people”s back like parasites.
Also, beware if a SP finds a woman with more resources and money than you, you will be immediately and suddenly discarded as if there was never any connection or history! They are opportunists and live in the immediate moment as well as immediate gratification..
Some will return, but that’s when one source is no longer available! Beware!
The letter won’t publish. WordPress hates me today. Any chance I could mail it to you? I need your opinion on it.
Actually been referencing a few other sources on sociopaths, and some allude to or imply a concept called “self deception” which I guess in essence makes sense. In this self deception the spath basically even dupes (or lies to oneself) and in theory this is what allows them to lack empathy.
I was just curious if you had any further expand, confirm or deny this idea, as the last thing I want to do is propagate false information.
Your assumption is completely correct.
To keep you “attached” to them,a sociopath is capable to invent the wildest and most surreal stories but feeds you with it so you buy them as true. You wonder yourself: How can someone pass through such a hell and still stand? Well… it is a made up hell.
Once the story is so complex and detailed with fake infos,the sociopath will eventually believe herself/himself that this is true. He/she will hate you or anyone to convince him/her that this NEVER occurred and that the sociopath must seek professional psychiatric help. Even more,he/she will accuse you to be the cause or carry a fault in “What has happened to them”.
A sociopath CAN NOT feel compassion for his/her victims.
A sociopath will NEVER admit that he/she is mistaken.
Truth is,a sociopath CAN FEEL conscience but only for a short time and only in the moments when supplies of attention are insufficient and they feel like losing the spotlight. Once they reclaim spotlight,conscience is no more.
I agree that the SP’s conscience or emotion can only show if they are feeling sorry they got caught and may be losing their spotlight. It’s never because of the hurt they cause from hurting or losing you or any one else they have emotionally and spiritually burned! As a survivor of these personality types, from family and outside of that, it is to my belief now, that they only way to make those with severe PTSD have hope at some form of recovery is for them to know the truth about SP’s, as it is in knowing and understanding what they have encountered lightens the burden of feeling stupid, confused or duped with feelings of hard core self-blame from such deception. We need real answers.. I am so glad there is a lot of information to find in understanding these dynamics.. Knowledge truly is power.. The more I hear from others along with research, I am slowly feeling my mind get stronger again.. It’s still a bit of a rollercoaster, but I am so thankful for the internet and people suffering who have decided to vent about their personal horror and scars.. I keep telling myself, I must have no contact and find the strength to get back to work, start over and reclaim what’s left of me.. It’s disgusting after working so hard, to have been tossed behind to fall and start from scratch again after dealing with these con artists of life it self!!
I think that the lies can spiral out of control and they become the lie. It becomes who they are. Without a conscience they continue and can become convinced that the lies that they are telling are true and real.
Yes that seems to make so much logical sense! Thank you for your insight! I think it adds to our understanding of these people when we can learn more about the motivations that cause their behavior. Thanks!
A sociopath becomes angry (often violent) and revengeful when confronted with true facts they do not wish to hear. Like my therapist said,one of the most significant “signatures” of a sociopath is something called ‘Mirror reflection’: They see in you what they are incapable to be or have for themselves. Whether you are a successful business woman and the sociopath craves to be in your shoes or you are someone with a lot of compassion,generous and kind hearted,they will take advantage of that. They feed on attention.
Isabelle told to me the most surreal lies yet so close to my “comfort zone” that she almost absorbed me WITH my comfort zone included. I had nothing for myself. Whatever I loved to do,she loved it too. Whatever I had been passed through life,she has too. She wanted to have this bound to me so she could control me better. She knew my big emptiness of growing up without a father and she played that “fatherless” card with me too. She lied that her father abandoned her,that he’s a rich bastard in NYC and that she misses his hugs and the feeling of having a dad. Her entire net of deceiving and lies was so flawlessly composed that she could write the next Psycho-Thriller bestseller. Trust blinds you. You want to believe what you hear from the sociopath,what he/she feeds you and not what is so obvious – The actual truth. Most sociopaths are brave on words but cowards in heart. To intimidate you to not run your mouth about them,they will blackmail you,threaten you -but- fact is they will NEVER pull on legal strings because law can harm their made up bubble. Yet,whenever caught to pay for the injustice done to the victims,a sociopath will play a victim too and,if possible,”crawl in a mouse hole” to escape justice till the whirlwind calms. Then he/she is out from the hiding spot with a freshly invented story and on a hunt for new victims.
Everything is so true but i am detaching and as i do that, i am less and less interested about the subject … Life happens, i work hard , i have family and friends, i am moving on…. Feels so good to be busy with life and not focusing on him, took so long to bring myself here and not feel small and insignificant anymore… Took years. My heart will probably stop if he would email me but i dont have the rose coulored glasses amymore …:) i feel strong again, it’s only him that makes me feel small… We are all equal under the sun and have equal opportunities , now more than ever before, lets’s take advantage of that … The sky is the limit if we allow ourselves to fly that high…
Your heart does stop when you see his name pop up on the phone, text, or in an email. I bet that is a calculated part of the game they play as well. It reminds me of the concept of “shock and awe” (aka rapid dominance). According to the guys who first wrote about shock and awe, the principle is to overwhelm and knock you off balance to gain the advantage.
My SP read a lot about these kinds of principles. For as long as I have known him he kept a copy of “The Art of War” by SunTzu. He claimed what he learned from it kept him ahead of the curve when it came to business. In reality, he was a dismal failure and couldn’t hold a job, but he was a master at being a liar and a con artist.
So, he shocked me by wishing me a Merry Christmas. I will be honest – just simple good manners made it really hard to not reply – in the normal world it would be incredibly rude to not reply to a holiday greeting. But I knew if I did I would open the door, and I don’t know if I yet have enough strength to withstand the “Awhhhhh” part – sweet words, talk of love and promises of repairing the damage he has already caused.
I feel like a nice little giant because i can be a part of of others people lives… And them a part of mine without having to resume to the sociopath to make everything better or make it feel that way.. He doesnt matter anymore, i can go on hours at a time not thinking about him, the forums started it, about a year ago, then a couple of books until it felt really stupid to think about it anymore… Was more exciting to work than play mind games with the sociopath… Awful people and pretty stupid too, not very inventive, they will repeat their behaviour over and over again and their lack of insight about what matters to us is monumentally ignorant… Some wanna bes… That will never ever get it… Pretty sad there is no hope but really there is no hope, cancer will be cured earlier before they will understand there is something wrong with them…
The funniest thing i noticed they dont get sarcasm… He took all my sarcasm literally or changed the subject, couldnt taste it:) To beat a sociopath or test him, play different emotions than what you actually feel and be sarcastic… Since they can only mirror, they will mirror the wrong emotions… Maybe i am mean but he wasnt any nicer to me…. They should not play with the natural good in people and take advantage of it or as he used to say, ‘ get away with it’ .
And i was wrong when i said ‘beat him’ there is no win here, there is no war… The only war is life and if a sociopath stands between life and us, there is no war , there is only one way to go, get out of the sociopath’s way to be able to have a life… That’s the only way we emphats can win… In a 1-1 war with them, we’ll alwas lose…
Reblogged this on Without Sanity and commented:
If any of you are wondering where Alyssa has been the last year and a half of her life… it has been this. This blog post, though not written by me, kept making me go to the “About” page and go “Does this person know me? Are they blogging about the saga of the last year and a half?….Certainly, this person is a stranger and doesn’t know.”
I read it, and I felt sick, sick to my stomach, nauseous, sad, and in truth… like I had been smacked in the face.
“You will never be in the sociopaths life. They will only be in yours. This is how the sociopath operates.”
Read it. Read it all, every line. You will understand who I have been with all this time… who has betrayed me… who has broken my heart more than once and manipulated most of my emotions. You will understand, because this post doesn’t even deviate in the slightest bit what it has been like…
Thank you Alyssa.
He didn’t even get anything from me. He didn’t get any money or prestige from me, he didn’t get a place to stay or anything. He took all my love, broke me to pieces, and then took off. There wasn’t any benefit that he gained from hurting me, I just wasn’t worth the truth. And I am so angry that I wasted what little love I had to give away on him.
@ Carrie, that’s exactly what I went through. This was very different from just a bad break up. It was manufactured spiritual and emotional harm done with the intent to deceive, manipulate, play mind games and lie and disrupt my life. I knew something wasn’t right when out of no where he began sending me emails from about 3am till 11am or sometimes until early afternoon then vanish from then until night. It seemed rude and intrusive and out of his normal routine, as if something a married sneaking man would do, that’s what I suspected and I was right – let me tell you, I don’t do the married man thing – NO WAY, that’s just stupid. The part that was so devastating to come to grips with was realizing the person I knew for many years and thought was a friend had an entirely separate life he was keeping secret from me, while telling me we were to make plans to get married and live together when he retires in a few years, only to find out he bought a house with a co-worker after he told me this, and still continued to tell me so after he did this when he had no idea I found out about his secret. It was awful watching him as I began to unfold his secret in front of him. At that moment, it made me sick to think this was someone I knew for about 24 years and really did not know him at all. We went our separate ways for about 6 years in between but occasionally had contact but scarce. Then from about 2008-09 on, he began pursuing a lot, especially in 2011 until I found out what was going on at the end of 2013.. I actually began to research con artists and compare their methods with Sociopaths and I have learned a lot. I read somewhere that these types of people are biting at your ankles and covertly eating the floor away from under you and even though you may feel something isn’t right, this is something taking place so far beneath the surface that people experiencing this type of harm do not conceive of, suspect or even see something like that possibly coming. It’s harsh. Very painful. No contact via email since Jan 2, 2014. And it feels good. But, 9-10 days after, I went back to read my last message to him giving him a piece of my mind and just broke down crying. Hit me out of nowhere, and I am not the type who cries easily and when I do it’s because someone pissed me off bad. This time, it was a deep cry of emotional pain which is something I don’t think I have done since I was a baby.. Wow! It makes me feel nauseated just thinking of him too much, last time I thought of him I felt fear also. It’s scary to know that something dark was there and I believe I found out just in time. I just have a bad feeling about him I can’t shake. Still feel shocked, confused, but I am highly aware of the phenomenon which has taken place and that’s what gets me through.. I had a moment this after noon and told myself, I should start imposing penalties upon myself each time I feel myself remembering things that were off about the situation how he began to scare me and even just seemed different toward the end. It was awful. This is someone I loved unconditionally for years, even enough to walk away from his BS in the past, never realizing I still had that love buried and tucked away. When I discovered he only got worse with age, now he is 50 this year – I knew it was time for me to go, let go and leave him alone. It was the hardest thing, but what made me same GAME OVER was him buying a house with his co-worker and selling his other house and not telling me, yet, trying to act like he was working on making me his life partner.. What a sick evil trick and cruel joke that turned out to be. I told him in my last message I don’t think I could ever want to look at or see him again. He sent a reply saying, he knows he hurt me BAD! That he was profoundly sorry, blah.. blah ….blah. I’ll tell you, he has become a master and always has been at appearing well mannered and polite when he’s covering his evil or trying to keep me sucked in. I saw right through it and what he said had no affect on me at all the pain was to deep. I never replied – I had enough – I was done, freaked out beyond belief and hurting beyond repair until now… Part of me feels like I am terrified of letting a man even get near my body or in my mind.. It’s awful.. I am pretty damn scared of them right now.. If I don’t ever get over this, I don’t care at this point, because this is not the first time I have discovered I could no longer trust people I knew long term. It’s a scary world out there…
I have experienced this twice. Once with a man I used to see and another with a friend of mine. The two things they have in common is that after I had an encounter with them all I felt was this overwhelming and unexaplainable fear. My world was shaken up by them. I feel like it is all about the feelings after encountering a sociopath that make it so horrible. After I was with a sociopath or hung out with them I only wanted to withdraw in my room and be alone. My self-esteem plummeted instantly back to square one after seeing one of them.
I can say that meeting sociopaths has completely change the course of my life. It is scary, to experience evil, it changes you.
I am now much more thick skinned, I have built up a wall around me, and I am no longer that fun-loving trusting girl I used to be.
Of course things have gotten better, but I am not the same.
All I can say is that we are strong, all of us who have experienced this.
The fear that I feel after hanging out with them is hard to explain. It is this fear that you knew you were in the presence of something evil.
What I did to stop this torture was cut them off. It’s all you can do. Keeping them at arm’s length is not enough, you need to COMPLETELY cut them off.
It’s hard at first, but little by little, you begin to go back to your old self. You pick up the pieces. These experiences have made me a strong person. I am grateful for the strength it has given me.