I make no apologies for writing as a woman, with my experience of a male sociopath in this post. This post is written in loving memory of my beautiful friend Angel Thomas.
This came up on my Facebook page today, where a reader said that she was struggling with seeing her ex be happy with his new partner. That he couldn’t be happy with her.
I wanted to write this post from the viewpoint of a woman that was with a sociopath man, who did amazing things together, yes we fought, big time sometimes. We had many laughs together, we danced, we laughed, we travelled and went on random adventures together.
We could have been seen as the perfect couple, if he loved anyone, I know that he loved me, as much as he could possibly love another person. I knew who he was, and I loved him anyway, I didn’t judge him. But I also wasn’t going to tolerate sociopath bullshit either.
The truth and the reality – behind the outside view of ‘togetherness’
It doesn’t matter if the sociopath LOVES the new partner with all that they had. It doesn’t matter if they love that person more than they loved you.
This is just an illusion. Let me tell you how it really feels, to be that woman in the shiny glossy photo images. What is really going on, and why YOU are so much better, and should be so much happier than the world that she lives in.
Don’t undersell FREEDOM and the value of that freedom. What you have that she does not, is the ability to have the WHOLE world. What she has, is HIM. HIM and ONLY HIM. That is it.
Yes she can dance, she can sing, she can laugh, she can have an amazing time. She can…. if she is with him.
You are the winner here, as you have the whole world to dance with, to be creative with, to do anything you want with. She only has him.
Do you think that she can celebrate life without him? Being with him, is at the expense of everything else in life. Absolutely everything (for me even this blog). I probably had the best that you could get with a sociopath, and STILL this is the way that I feel.
You grow smaller as your world grows smaller
The truth, and the reality is, that the partner of a sociopath is not allowed to have a life. The sociopath controls EVERYTHING. Even down to what you think. While it might initially look good on the surface, behind closed doors a completely different scenario is at play.
At first it didn’t matter too much to me. I was coming out of trauma and had a legal case hanging over my head. I COULDN’T move forward with my life, I couldn’t work. There wasn’t much I could do. My life was frozen still.
Keen to prove that he wasn’t this sociopath that i had written about on my blog, he was almost the ‘perfect man’, well almost. He listened to my complaints about having no life, and we started to do things. We traveled went to hotels, holiday, even music festivals.
But there was one thing missing from my life, that had always been there. FRIENDS – OTHER PEOPLE.
At first, I tried to ignore it, it wasn’t too big a deal and things would get better? They will never get better being with a sociopath.
Because the sociopath mirrors you, and you are their host. They live off of you and your energy, and move into your life. They TAKE OVER your life. Every area of your life.
Of course, I knew all about sociopathic behaviour, I wasn’t going to have him taking over my life. So, I moved from project to project, different things. But each time, he would follow, and take over, until I abandoned the project.
Remember sociopaths like two things
BEING IN CONTROL
- I sold things on ebay to bring in extra money. He had to get an account and take over, compete, until I stopped doing it.
- Coming up to Glastonbury festival, (I got tickets) – he paid – I joined forums, maybe we would meet new people (it wasn’t as if I could go with my old friends I went to Glastonbury with, they didn’t like him) he took over that. Accused me of flirting with other men (I wasn’t) – replying to anyone who was male was flirting in his mind. I was HIS. He OWNED me.
- I started to do art – this was theraputic for me. He had to do art too.
- I got into street art. He did too
- We went to Glastonbury festival, his first time, I had been loads of times, it was the ONLY time (in probably 12 festivals) that I spent the entire time, with him and only him. We even went to bed early at night
- Ok, switch, so i went to old souls, and lightworkers groups, he wasn’t spiritual – he tapped into that too, so I left
- I should have been able to go on holiday to Turkey on my own, if he couldn’t get leave. But no…. instead he HAD to come. he couldn’t bear the thought of me going alone. He had to come, and ruin the holiday
- I once had a social life, I loved underground dance music and the social life that came with that. He overtook that too, until I felt uncomfortable and moved on
I moved on, from project to project, constantly running. I am sorry, but for the first time in 3 years, I made NO new friends in the real world. You cannot have a life independent of the sociopath, they take over everything, they suck the life out of you – shit i am good at recreating and rebuilding – but I am not that good.
Towards the end, things had became SO BAD with control. I would stay awake all night. As this was the ONLY time that I could have my own thoughts. Every day, I would get telephone calls every single day, where was I? What was I doing? The constant accusations. Staying awake at night, when he slept was the ONLY time I had time for me, to be free. No, I wasn’t doing anything, just time to think.
At the end, it had pushed me so far, I couldn’t even think straight. I felt numb, switched off. After one morning, at 5am yelling at me, he left for work…..and the only chance of freedom that I saw was to end my own life. I felt so controlled, that actually being dead, was more freedom than being here. This is despite being a spiritual woman, and knowing the consequences of suicide. I didn’t care. This was hell.
Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately) I don’t know. I had an allergic reaction to codiene. This is why I am still alive today. From this, I worked with the crisis team. Who were great. He hated it when hospital staff stared at him, he knew…. he just knew….
For weeks I worked with the crisis team… and I finally had someone to talk to. They asked why I defended him? I still did…. then one day I spoke up, I spoke up about my world and how it felt to be me.
He said that he would never leave, and that he would kill me first. The crisis team quizzed this, but I brushed it off, as I always had done. It was just words, stupid sociopath words.
I prayed…. I prayed, i prayed to god the universe, anyone….. PLEASE move him on. He got another place, without fuss. It was so different from before. He even gave me money the day after he moved out. He stole nothing and gave keys back. No ruining no smear campaigns.
It had all gone too far.
You know…. the truth is, it DOESN’T matter how much the sociopath loves you. It doesn’t matter how important to them that you are. It doesn’t matter if they think the world of you. The TRUTH is that sociopaths HAVE to …
- DIRECT someone else’s life
If you are feeling this way, and feeling jealous of the new partner, DON’T!!!
You have the whole world. She only has him.
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