I make no apologies for writing as a woman, with my experience of a male sociopath in this post. This post is written in loving memory of my beautiful friend Angel Thomas.
This came up on my Facebook page today, where a reader said that she was struggling with seeing her ex be happy with his new partner. That he couldn’t be happy with her.
I wanted to write this post from the viewpoint of a woman that was with a sociopath man, who did amazing things together, yes we fought, big time sometimes. We had many laughs together, we danced, we laughed, we travelled and went on random adventures together.
We could have been seen as the perfect couple, if he loved anyone, I know that he loved me, as much as he could possibly love another person. I knew who he was, and I loved him anyway, I didn’t judge him. But I also wasn’t going to tolerate sociopath bullshit either.
The truth and the reality – behind the outside view of ‘togetherness’
It doesn’t matter if the sociopath LOVES the new partner with all that they had. It doesn’t matter if they love that person more than they loved you.
This is just an illusion. Let me tell you how it really feels, to be that woman in the shiny glossy photo images. What is really going on, and why YOU are so much better, and should be so much happier than the world that she lives in.
Don’t undersell FREEDOM and the value of that freedom. What you have that she does not, is the ability to have the WHOLE world. What she has, is HIM. HIM and ONLY HIM. That is it.
Yes she can dance, she can sing, she can laugh, she can have an amazing time. She can…. if she is with him.
You are the winner here, as you have the whole world to dance with, to be creative with, to do anything you want with. She only has him.
Do you think that she can celebrate life without him? Being with him, is at the expense of everything else in life. Absolutely everything (for me even this blog). I probably had the best that you could get with a sociopath, and STILL this is the way that I feel.
You grow smaller as your world grows smaller
The truth, and the reality is, that the partner of a sociopath is not allowed to have a life. The sociopath controls EVERYTHING. Even down to what you think. While it might initially look good on the surface, behind closed doors a completely different scenario is at play.
At first it didn’t matter too much to me. I was coming out of trauma and had a legal case hanging over my head. I COULDN’T move forward with my life, I couldn’t work. There wasn’t much I could do. My life was frozen still.
Keen to prove that he wasn’t this sociopath that i had written about on my blog, he was almost the ‘perfect man’, well almost. He listened to my complaints about having no life, and we started to do things. We traveled went to hotels, holiday, even music festivals.
But there was one thing missing from my life, that had always been there. FRIENDS – OTHER PEOPLE.
At first, I tried to ignore it, it wasn’t too big a deal and things would get better? They will never get better being with a sociopath.
Why?
Because the sociopath mirrors you, and you are their host. They live off of you and your energy, and move into your life. They TAKE OVER your life. Every area of your life.
Of course, I knew all about sociopathic behaviour, I wasn’t going to have him taking over my life. So, I moved from project to project, different things. But each time, he would follow, and take over, until I abandoned the project.
Remember sociopaths like two things
WINNING
BEING IN CONTROL
- I sold things on ebay to bring in extra money. He had to get an account and take over, compete, until I stopped doing it.
- Coming up to Glastonbury festival, (I got tickets) – he paid – I joined forums, maybe we would meet new people (it wasn’t as if I could go with my old friends I went to Glastonbury with, they didn’t like him) he took over that. Accused me of flirting with other men (I wasn’t) – replying to anyone who was male was flirting in his mind. I was HIS. He OWNED me.
- I started to do art – this was theraputic for me. He had to do art too.
- I got into street art. He did too
- We went to Glastonbury festival, his first time, I had been loads of times, it was the ONLY time (in probably 12 festivals) that I spent the entire time, with him and only him. We even went to bed early at night
- Ok, switch, so i went to old souls, and lightworkers groups, he wasn’t spiritual – he tapped into that too, so I left
- I should have been able to go on holiday to Turkey on my own, if he couldn’t get leave. But no…. instead he HAD to come. he couldn’t bear the thought of me going alone. He had to come, and ruin the holiday
- I once had a social life, I loved underground dance music and the social life that came with that. He overtook that too, until I felt uncomfortable and moved on
I moved on, from project to project, constantly running. I am sorry, but for the first time in 3 years, I made NO new friends in the real world. You cannot have a life independent of the sociopath, they take over everything, they suck the life out of you – shit i am good at recreating and rebuilding – but I am not that good.
Towards the end, things had became SO BAD with control. I would stay awake all night. As this was the ONLY time that I could have my own thoughts. Every day, I would get telephone calls every single day, where was I? What was I doing? The constant accusations. Staying awake at night, when he slept was the ONLY time I had time for me, to be free. No, I wasn’t doing anything, just time to think.
At the end, it had pushed me so far, I couldn’t even think straight. I felt numb, switched off. After one morning, at 5am yelling at me, he left for work…..and the only chance of freedom that I saw was to end my own life. I felt so controlled, that actually being dead, was more freedom than being here. This is despite being a spiritual woman, and knowing the consequences of suicide. I didn’t care. This was hell.
Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately) I don’t know. I had an allergic reaction to codiene. This is why I am still alive today. From this, I worked with the crisis team. Who were great. He hated it when hospital staff stared at him, he knew…. he just knew….
For weeks I worked with the crisis team… and I finally had someone to talk to. They asked why I defended him? I still did…. then one day I spoke up, I spoke up about my world and how it felt to be me.
He said that he would never leave, and that he would kill me first. The crisis team quizzed this, but I brushed it off, as I always had done. It was just words, stupid sociopath words.
I prayed…. I prayed, i prayed to god the universe, anyone….. PLEASE move him on. He got another place, without fuss. It was so different from before. He even gave me money the day after he moved out. He stole nothing and gave keys back. No ruining no smear campaigns.
It had all gone too far.
The future
You know…. the truth is, it DOESN’T matter how much the sociopath loves you. It doesn’t matter how important to them that you are. It doesn’t matter if they think the world of you. The TRUTH is that sociopaths HAVE to …
- Own
- Possess
- Control
- DIRECT someone else’s life
If you are feeling this way, and feeling jealous of the new partner, DON’T!!!
You have the whole world. She only has him.
All rights reserved (see top of website for copyright information) Copyright datingasociopath.com 2015
Dating a Sociopath 
Thank you, just reading your post I had an anxiety attack throughout. I got mad one day and took a small trip with my sister and on my return I was punished severly for months, I too was suicidal and I knew it was time to shut it down permanently whatever the cost to save myself. The anxiety is what keeps me focused on living life. Sure I have had jealous thoughts and then I ask myself what did he bring to the relationship after all the years together. The answer my friend is blowing in the wind! It was nothing. I keep a list of the basic rights of a relationship with me at all times, as a reminder of what each and every person is entitled to and I refer to it often.
Yes it is amazing how one can become brainwashed by these monsters. Such a good idea to keep a list like that.
Yes….. blowing in the wind…. nothing… your list sounds good send it to me!!! 🙂
Basic Rights In A Relationship
The right to goodwill from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgement.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
If for any reason someone ever tramples on any one of these rights you need to stop in your tracks and ask for an explanation and if it ever happens again you better run. I just saw my ex the other day in a shopping centre and the blood washed from my body and a full blown panic attack just seeing him and I’ve been away from him over a year. No I didn’t stop to see how he was ,I turned and left before he could see me turn white. I have seen many dating profiles from men who describe they are a little sarcastic. Then take a look at the meaning of that word and there are many things written that give me anxiety just reading. Don’t deviate from this list and accept any behavior that makes you the least bit uncomfortable and you will be a winner in life from here on in. This new women my friends has done you a big favor, set you free as positivagirl has said and one day will hopefully lead you to a real love that will ROCK YOUR WORLD! Thats what everyone wants and deserves.
I love this. Thank you!! Good advice, working with homeless people we had something similar on the wall.
Pinky, thanks for sharing! I will too kept them too, as my “Miranda warnings”.
Ha you know, this is something I often said while in it, ‘what exactly do you BRING to this relationship?’, I knew what he took, but what did he bring? I think we can (or I did) as I know many others do, forget what our basic rights are. It can literally squeeze the life out of you, (or it did me). I felt so tired all of the time, exhausted even. Like I had no life left in me. My head felt numb, cloudy, almost surreal. I guess it was as he was moulding me into his surreal world.
Absolutely agree!! I felt like there was nothing to wake up for anymore???? I had never ever in my entire life felt so cloudy and full of doubt. 😦
Yes this is because they brain wash you. It is a REAL condition. I returned and this time I was totally brain washed. I am still undoing some of the brain washing today. They do this by manipulating your emotions, the more emotional you are, the easier it Is to manipulate you, it can cause damage for a while after they have left. It takes work to undo this damage. But it can be done.
Very well said. And… I not only have the whole world but my SELF back, whom I love. Very difficult for a sociopath to fathom enjoying the company of one’s beautiful self — being the empty voids that they are.
Yes absolutely!!! 🙂
I will never be jealous of anyone my sociopathic ex is dating… I’ve been there, done that and been told what tshirt to wear and I will never, ever allow anyone to do that to me again.
Utterly amazing post… I could feel myself getting tense as I could empathise so much with it.
Thank you Suzie (no idea how your post ended up in pending) I hope you are doing ok? 🙂
Hi my lovely! I’m doing really well at the minute thanks – how’s things with you?
I am good thanks Suzie, just undoing the brainwashing….spending lots of time on healing and recovery…. and finally moving forward. Not stood still 🙂
You’re obviously very busy in your posts! I know exactly what you mean… It just takes time. How do you feel about the idea of forgiveness?
Do you know I feel exactly the same about forgiveness? Simply because I know that it is something in their brain. If I didn’t have forgiveness then I would hold onto it as a part of me. I don’t want that. It’s not healthy. So I still feel the same way. I think before I was tied to a legal case, so I was unable to move forward with my life. I can move forward now. I think just getting out of it, your mind starts to clear. The control that is held over you, is gone. I feel freedom, and ‘what do I do with my life now?’ … kind of feeling. I think that there is some work to do, on undoing the survivor mode that you go into. But, I know how to do that, I worked with vulnerable people for decades. its just going through the processes, that i need to do. Mind you, while I can forgive – as I won’t allow it be part of me… I won’t forget it.
Yes…. That lovely feeling of having your life back😊without getting paranoid, brilliant. Today has been a good day,they’re not always,but I just think back on the last 15 years,and think hey,it can only get better.
Yay your comment made me smile. Freedom is so underrated.
Hi Pos, Great post again 🙂
I said to my ex Soc that I got my freedom from your control & conditions.
The OW set me free & I thanked her too.
Love is unconditional, uncontrolled, unbridled & I have seen this love.
Love is never control, never based on conditions & never tied to another. Love is freedom to choose, to roam free & be YOU!
Love & Light PR aka awareb4 😉
xoxo
It is so true, I wanted people to know how it really is. I wasn’t the other woman. But I was that woman where he loved as much as he could love someone. Whatever that is in socio language. I know this, by the way that he treated me, compared to how he treated me before. Really that is the very best that your partners new person has. We were compatible on things we liked and enjoyed. We had a lot of things going for us. But it is what is in the head, the way that they think. The ownership jealousy and insecurity. It keeps you owned and contained. It stops you from speaking to people. It keeps you owned, to them, and only them, like a prisoner in a castle.
Not only having your life back , besides being blessed with empathy we now have knowledge and if each one of us contribute a small piece of it and offer support to just one other suffered soul the world will become a safer better place. You might not even know what little you brought but were all here supporting one another. Thank you to each and everyone of you for helping me to recover. A big hug to positivagirl for all you do. Maybe your an angel ,you just haven’t gotten your wings yet.
P.S.
Remember the OW’s are more jealous of you because, of the triangulation. If the Soc refers to you as the ‘crazy ex’ etc…the OW will be intimidated that you are strong & to be feared & pitted against you.
If the Soc speaks glowingly of you but, just wanted too much of him (this was line mine used) then, the OW has to listen to how terrific you are & that they are still friends etc…all BS.
They hate you being the center of attention or having free-will.
Look at an animal when freed from captivity, it runs wildly & ecstatic unless it’s been beaten down, then it takes longer but, eventually with patience & time, it runs free too. 🙂
PR xoxo
I LOVE this. Thank you! 10 years of hell, lost my smile, my friends, my confidence, my energy….I was owned as you say and I was to live life the way he thought I should live it. I was expected to be a mind reader, a sex goddess, and everything in between. Yet to the outside world we were a perfect couple. He had no interests, hobbies or friends. I was it and when I’d fight for independence I was punished with silent treatments and pure meanness. He was covert and a pathological liar and cheater…discarded for OW half his age. Slowly finding me again, when I smile, it’s real….and you are so right ALL she has or will ever have is HIM and that is definitely not a prize or any kind of life.
I try to find a reason to smile at least once everyday, if nothing more than to see how it looks in the mirror. Put an old song on the computer from when you were a teenager and dance in the kitchen like no one is watching. Learn how to do a strip tease off the computer and see how sexy you really are. That is even a good revenge. But it will make you smile for sure!
Thank you for this post. Just last night I was talking to a dear old friend about the ex S and his new wife. Discovered he married her in a hurry so she could receive health insurance and treatment for a medical condition. I mentioned that I could understand what the new partner was receiving from him, but could not figure out what it was that he got in return? My friend said it was simple….he can control her. It’s all about him feeling superior and in complete control. He has isolated her from family and friends (her home, family and friends are thousands of miles away), his home is on a dead end road, deep into the woods, she has no job outside the home, and has a handicapped child which requires care 24/7.
You are so right about trying to justify his behavior, but in doing so you do give up your independence….I’ve worked all my life to live an independent life, but welcomed his companionship and love…misunderstanding that all he wanted the whole time was to win and control me. It’s been nine months since he threw me away and destroyed everything we had created over 5 years time, but am so glad my true self stayed intact, and my true friends are in my life.
It’s blogs like this that have helped me heal throughout the past few months…and they have taught me to recognize the warning signs of sociopathic behavior. Keep on sharing, as it only reinforces the resolve to stay away from these leeches. Thank you..
Hi Welcome and thank you for your comment!! 🙂
Very very interesting. I have experienced the controller more then once. One particular male (they are not a man) almost sucked the entire life out of me for 8 years. Reconnecting recently, for only a few months, lead to my charging him with death threats, physical, sexual abuse…….as far back as 30 years. Many many years of a very convoluted tormenting experience that I will never ever tolerate again. I take nothing from him anymore……and he is not able to connect with me at all because of legal enforecement. I will have nothing to do with him at all. Controllers are not welcome in my life ever again.
I give and receive love and affection. I am a communicator and every human being is deserving of respect that gives respect in return. Never ever allow another human being to treat you badly. It is not in my cards anymore.
I love the OW, the same way he left me, he will leave her, and he did, it’s a cycle. She is not special, like she thinks she is.
Excellent post! One of the best I’ve read in a long time! Very well written. Thank you so much! Have a great day!
Positiva,
Again, an excellent post. I too was isolated by my ex. Every time I want to share with my friends or my family he always made a big argument before we leave…about anything (my clothes, my makeup…the kind of relationship I have with all my friends and family) he started to ask questions that goes always to the same words. …”if you have something that I need to know, now is the time to say it. I dont want surprises with what you really are…” All the scheme puts me on a position where I always say “If you don’t want to go we don’t have to go…” When he began to live with the OW (just one day after he leave my home) he bebgan to srnd messages and photos of what he was doing with her, saying how happy he was…if he was so happy why he bothered me? Control…just control. He used her as he used me, and as he used every human being
Omg!!! Yes…. this is what he would say too, exact words, or ‘is there anything that you want to tell me?’……
I am glad i stumbled upon this, since i wanted to do some reading on sociopaths and hear other peoples stories and to know what its like since i went through it..so i would like to share my story. In my case, i met a guy off of a dating website. When i first met him right off the bat we hit it off. We had such much in commen and i was very attracted to him. He told from the start that he did not want to get serious and i understood. Within like two weeks of dating he told me he loved him right to my face. He constantly wanted to see me everyday and would always send me sweet texts saying how he loves me and misses me. I loved being with him, but one night he gets a phone call, ge ignores it and i asked who it was..he tells me “nobody” of course i was suspicious and asked him if he was seeing some one else he said how could he be if he was always with me and claimed it was just a friend calling to ask him something.(also, he told me he would spend the weekend with his kids at his “friends” house not actually knowing it was his ex!) Anyways, the next day he tells me we need to talk and tells me how he doesnt wanna see me anymore, that i “pushed him away” and i got too attached and how he could not stand me asking him if he eas seeing someone else. He said he didn’t mean he really loved me but a love like he has for his car!. Comparing me to an object..of course, typical sociopath trait. Even after this i still did not want to lose him, we remained friends with benefits but he knew how i really felt for him. He would tell me hes not ready for a relationship and he doesnt wanna be with anyone. Yet he would always ask me if i was seeing anyone else or hooking up woth other people. I couldn’t understand why he would ask this of he claimed he didnt like me that way anymore. Anyways, the texting he would always do slowly started to slow down and certain times i would text him and wouldnt hear back from him. He started to become a little distant and whenever i would tell him how i feel he’d say “do u” or “okay” he even said once..”how do i make u happy? All we do is sleep together” and “what are you gonna do once i get a girlfriend? ” This would piss me off, but when he saw i said that i didnt need him he would text me the next day like nothing even happened. He would tell me how he never met anyone like me before and how we have a “special connection” so me being suspicious and had a gut feeling he was with someone, i contacted his ex and asked her myself. She said he has been with someone for while but its not her. I couldn’t believe this! Indeed it was true, i found out he has been back with his ex gf(the same “friend” he spent the weekends with) during the months we were hooking up. I contacted his gf because i feel like she had a right to know, she tells me she knows about me and how they have been altogether for two years but were broken up while we dated, and how he didnt tell me about her cause he “felt bad”(meanwhile he just wantedme as his side chick) and that she doesnt believe he was with me cause he was with her all the time. She told me that i need to stop and move on and that she is a big girl amd can take care of herself. He claimed i was “pyscho” for thinking that he was with someone else and told me to go find someone to act psycho with and how “this is bullshit and does not need it”. Anyways, I confronted him about it,asking him if hes with someone. he denied being with anybody then when i said i found out from someone all he could say was “whatever” i called him a player and a user his answer was “okay” and that i was the last i heard from him. I find it funny that he was such a coward and couldn’t just admit it. Then.i found out from a mutual friend of ours that hes moving in with her, his own friend says he cheats and uses people and himself said i deserve better. I also found that he is a sex offender! His gf(who is a school teacher with a 15 yr old daughter)knows he is and does not care..kind of ironic huh?! Its crazy cause after finding out all this, a part of me still misses him..maybe it was cause of the memories i had of the good times we had and the amazing sex we had..but then i realize that i am better off because he only used me as his side chick and lied to me, and his gf is just so blind to it, or she just doesnt care. I couldn’t understand why he chose her instead but i think it is because she has a house, money, and im sure she takes care of him and kisses his ass. He cannot stand being lonely and knew he had her to fall back on all along. I think i was just a rebound at the time they split up, but his actions ultimately in the end showed he didn’t really care about me. It still kind of hurts, but at least now i know the truth about him.
This article really helped me see what I wondered for the past year. I have been devastated that this man who idolized me in the beginning and couldn’t have been nicer (the best treatment I ever received from a man at that time). Then the lies and complete change in how he treated me. He was jealous of my success and made awful comments that I was a “gold digger”, I was “prowling”for other me men…silent treatments, gas lighting. I have old emails saved of me begging for him to take my calls, answer texts, emails…..ugh! Had no idea at the time what was going on. Found out he was living with another woman (he moved out of state to look for a job after being layed off at the company we both worked for). When I asked him about all the lies, he totally discarded me. He is now married to her and posted photos publicly on social media of them taking their vows. Bothered me for months. Now I see that I am the lucky one. Thanks for this eye opening article!
Kacie,
I think we all know that this one is going to get discarded, too. In fact, it’s almost comical that they’re photographed making their vows, because you know he’s not going to keep them. Promises don’t mean shit to these people.
It’s been a long time since ive been on here. It’s been a long time since I’ve given more than a passing thought to the ex soc. I’ve been well and truly healed. (So I thought) I’ve grown and learnt massively from this experience. I understand my FOO wounds and have healed and continue to heal them. I have learnt and embraced mindfulness and accepting my feelings as they happen. I am learning to love myself, and with that, slowly my belief in my worthiness is growing. It’s been an amazing journey. And I believe that I’m a better, more able, more understanding, loving, happier, person than ever before.
Funnily enough, i had a few things happen and then a dream that lead me to peek at his FB page, from this I found out last week that he is now remarried. It’s been 18 months since final discard. I’d already learnt that he was engaged 7 months after we split. I went NC from day 1. And after a few feeble attempts, I never heard from him again. But I’ve been triggered from the news. It bothers me that I’ve been triggered from this. Not badly triggered, but enough that I needed to come back online for validation.
You can imagine my surprise when I found this out and suddenly the pain came back. Many of the The questions came back too… Is he really a sociopath? What if it was me? How did I end up here when I thought we had it all? And now he is married to someone else.? In my house? With my dogs? And my garden that I made? And my step children (that I never got to say goodbye too)?
It’s funny how after all this time that I had forgotten so much of the bad. Remember that my ex was never overtly abusive, it was therefore easy to forget the subtle triangulation (well not so subtle in hindsight), the gas lighting, the making me doubt myself, the manipulation. No proof that he actually cheated and only a few lies that were ever proven. (But so so many that I’m sure of) So sometimes it is easy to think – what if it was me? And what if he is truly happy with his new life? How is that fair? How is it fair with all the shit he did that he gets happy ever after?
So some back ground. I’m currently unemployed and have no money (again-the destruction left by the soc still lingers). I was a senior executive so to be broke and unemployed has been a massive lesson in humility. I am 43 and still desperately want (and will have) a child. But I can’t try till I get a job and have some money saved. I have been seeing this guy for 2 months and he is nice but I’m going to break it off because there’s very little spark. I’ve never broken it off before with someone who is really keen on me. I’ve never broken someone’s heart before. So not only do I compare it to the love bombing that the soc gave me and that the connection with this new guy is sadly lacking, but I also have been thinking about the horrendous discard by the soc. I lived with him in a house we bought, we were “madly in love” on IVF and discussing marriage. Then he dumped me out of the blue. With no real reason. No explanation. I at least am going to give this guy a face to face break up with as much info as he wants. I will show him respect and understanding – the complete opposite of what I got. I think this is why I was thinking about the soc and why I peeked at his FB.
So, when I got back online and read through all the different abusive tricks, mind games and mind control that they used and I easily related my story to all of them and remembered all the covert abuse, I did feel a bit better. But still frustrated that he had an affect on me this late in my healing. And still hurt that she has my life (not jealous of her at all but jealous of the life) and nowhere on these sites could I find help with that. This post actually was the only one that came close.
Because she is in a world with just him (although she may not know it yet) and he will never grow because he can’t learn. She will be stuck there too. If she stays as long as his ex wife did, she will come out of it a completely broken, shadow of her former self, as did his ex wife. Part of me knows that I was the lucky one. That because I questioned him and fought against the mind games, I was too much trouble for him to control so he got rid if me. This post reminded me of that. Yes they will be having some amazing times living the life that I loved so much. A life I loved so much that I ignored my intuition, gave up my feelings for his, did everything FOR him, gave up everything for him, including my soul. But I also know that there is a massive cost to that. One that I will never pay again.
I know now that I will never ignore my feelings again. That my situation with him will never happen again because I will demand my feelings be understood by me and where necessary heard by him. And if they are ignored or I’m called “psycho Cindy” because I’m angry, or called untrusting or jealous then I will leave. Immediately.
Thank you for the insight pos and thank you all that read my comment for letting me ramble on. I hope that maybe someone out there, that is as far along as I am, will get some value from it. Most of these blogs focus on the early days of recovery (which is where the healing is really needed) but I think understanding that it’s ok to be triggered years after, when you thought it was behind you, and you have learnt and grown so much, that it’s ok and doesn’t mean you haven’t progressed so amazingly. It just means you are human and an empath. Which is a beautiful thing.
Peace xxx
Hey it is done, how lovely to see you!!!
You are so right, in what you say, about he cannot grow and she will not either. It is no life to be living. I found it that i couldn’t breath.
I think that like quitting smoking, you can relapse (looking at the FB page) and bang feel like you are back to square one hurting. But its not like that, as you have been quit a long time – it is getting back on the full no contact bus.
Similar for me really. I had quit him a while ago – then returned, this time quitting him is not as hard as the first time. I am trying to get rid of ALL toxins…. quitting smoking, trying to eat healthily, letting the bad out, and the good in (I hope) – it feels better.
Hope you are ok anyway!! – Just remember – he is giving an ILLUSION…. that is all…. just an ILLUSION. Mine would post all happy stuff over facebook, of this ILLUSIONARY world he was in… for everyone to see. Its all a game. Behind that, yeah we could have a good time, but really at the root was control, and never far behind that would be all of the other horrible things that go with control 😦
Hi Pos,
So absolutely true.
What was heartening was that I definitely didn’t go back to square one, far from it, but just the fact that it hurt at all and that I was thinking about him again was … Not sure of the words to describe it… Annoying, frustrating, disheartening. I’m sure it has effected me because of my own situation seeming to have barely changed on the outside since discard (no baby, job, money or new love interest) and he appears to have all that. But I know that the changes and growth I’ve made on the inside are astronomical. Where as his hasn’t changed at all.
No this is not about him at all. This is about me. It just took me a few days to figure that out.
Glad you’re doing well and have moved on. Good luck with the quitting smoking. For me, Feb 1 I’m giving up alcohol, processed sugar and wheat for two months.
Xx
It is going to hit you as you question yourself? Were you doing as well as you thought you were? If you feel hurt, then there is the ‘illusion’ factor, he found someone else to marry him, he is great – or was he? Why do I hurt etc?
This is an ILLUSION remember, I bet when things were BAD BAD BAD with you, he was putting the illusion to the outside world out there, how amazing things are. That is what they do. If I EVER gave him access to MY facebook (when we were together, I mean just being friends – that would last 2 days max) – if I gave him that, he would be all over my facebook, posting to let EVERYONE know how happy and ‘in love’ he was (bullshit)…. everything is a show, and they project their show of illusion ALL of the time, Never taking time off x
Only the unhappy pics of a SO are real. Mugshots are real.
Sociopaths are like tornadoes… Unsuspecting people get swept up in the illusion. It can be exciting, yet chaotic. Then we’re discarded, left to figure out what the hell happened and forced to the piece back together our lives from the wreckage in the aftermath.
Thanks for this site! It’s a great support system!!
Welcome Katherine!! 🙂
Hi It Is Done 🙂
It’s me PR & I still think your amazing.
Keep going, you are not alone & it will always affect you but, lessens as time moves on.
I hope you get a great job soon & the breakup doesn’t hurt your kind compassionate heart. Tell the truth as we know, honesty & integrity is the best way to live.
Your ‘real’ & that’s a rare thing in this world so, keep it ‘real’ 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Of course there is a pain, it will always remain just as it was when you had an injury as a child. You always remember those. It will fade eventually as positive empowering people and events happen as you go forward. You are beautiful loving women on the outside and inside. He on the other hand will never experience what you have and he will continue to be black and ugly on the inside. Draining life from everything he touches. Everything in his life is so temporary, one day he will age, be alone, nothing left for him but his hatred of himself and he will have tears, for himself. Always just for himself and that’s all he will ever have. That is a lonely empty existance.
Great comment, thank you Pinky
WOW wow wow is all I can say. No! I can say more I’m allowed to speak my feeling here without fear of being torn to shreds psychologically and emotionally… this site along with Trenton Hawley on youtube has been a life saver for me. I’m not crazy… Im not crazy
NO NO NO you are not crazy – but yeah they make you feel crazy!! – speaking your feeling, you couldn’t do that, it is all about them. Everything is about them. Your thoughts and feelings are irrelevant – UNless those thoughts and feelings are about him of course!! Yes you can speak free…. and speak your truth. I HEAR YOU!! I believe you too!!
Hi PR,
Glad to hear you’re doing well. Apart from the recent slight setback (already becoming a distant memory ;0) ) and all things considered, I’m doing really well. I’ve learnt so much in the last year and a bit, that I do well even when the chips are down.
You should change your name back… Spelling mistake and all.
Be well.
Xx
I saw the ow today and instantly got angry. I heard it say “I’m staying with Bruce tonight”. It has been over a year since I found out the truth. I was lied to for ten years. I was a fool. My whole marriage was a lie. He was and is a serial cheater. Master manipulator and liar. The ow does not believe this.
This post was a god send. The ow only has him. Her life is getting smaller and smaller. My life is opening up. People talk to me. They are interested in what I do and even better I talk to them and want to know all about their interests. I feel alive. I look forward to events.
My life is not perfect but I know those two cheaters are clinging together in a sociopathic obsessive compulsive eternal death grip they call love. My life is mine!!!!
I’m grateful for this site. It has saved my life.
Hi Rose (I edited your full name). Thank you for your comment. WOW 10 years…. I guess just goes to show how deceptive they are. That he could have a relationship with two people for that length of time. I hope that you know, that it wasn’t that you were stupid, he was just better at hiding, and why would you distrust your husband. I am so pleased to hear your comment. You are so very right, your world can GROW while hers will grow smaller. Nobody has the right to take your life. You have so many opportunities, freedom, and can take your life in whatever way that you choose. She – her life will be whatever he says her life can be. her world will be wrapped up in him, and not in a love way either, in a controlling way. Freedom is so very often under rated, its the most beautiful thing in the world. You didn’t come into this world with the sociopath attached to you, you survived before you met him…. and so you will and can again. Its more normal and natural than what she has. You are the winner here.
Thank you for your comments. I am printing them out and read it every day.
Rose, you came out of the lie a winner, you have plenty of life left to share with so many, look your here sharing with us! You are better stronger braver, more lovable than ever before, it was a life lesson and its time to learn something new that will enrich not only your life but many lives. Its your choice girlfriend! Take your pick. I had 40 years and I look at each new day as another chance. It can only get better ,right? Its a new you. You know they will never be a real couple, so let them live in the make believe and set yourself up for something real. You deserve it, we all deserve it,.We are a group weather we like it or not of survivors and not even of the worst of survivors. I’m sorry for everyone of us having to endure at the hands of these life suckers, we know your pain, some more than others. It can only get better, believe in yourself.
Thank you for your comment. I needed to hear from real people and know I am on the right side full of light and life. I don’t have to fear my stories will be exposed as lies because I tell truth! I don’t hide in the shadows.
The path and the other woman (OW) are musicians using equipment I bought because that was his final con from me before I was discarded. However, the music community is small here and people know me and him and do not like what he did. Or her for that matter. She is a cheater too. (And they work in a church!!) They also get very bad reviews when they do play because he is filling her head that she is a the greatest singer since Judy Garland or take your pick. The love bombing and delusions are rampant. She says she has finally found her independence. WOW. That is the last thing the OW has. She has a criminal on her hands and does not even know it……yet.
This site has taught me so much. This site and the people on this site are AMAZING!! I wiill be forever grateful you all helped me get better.
Rose
I think so too Rose, I think just knowing that there are other people who ‘get it’ who won’t question what you are saying, no matter how unbelievable what it is that has happened to you, is. Yes, also the last thing that you will have being with one, is independence, this is the very thing that you will lose!
You are amazing too!!! 🙂
My sociopath has been married for 20 years! Happily! Of course, I had no idea about this when being ‘love bombed’! I live in another country so it was pretty easy for him to tell me lie after lie. His wife isn’t controlled….apart from she works full time at 60 to keep him. He dabbles with his own business running a video company but doesn’t work as much as he says. The 6000 sq feet house they own belonged to the wife’s mother and was gifted to her. He told me he lived with his mother and adopted son as a single dad in a small 3 bedroom house he had nearly finished paying the mortgage off. Lies, lies and more lies. Maybe he was just a sociopath to me? Feeling so sad that I had thought I had found the perfect man for me. I just have to keep reminding myself that he cheated on the wife. I had no idea he was married! My girlfriend was suspicious and discovered his lie on the Internet.
Yes and if he cheated on the wife he would have done the same to you. You deserve so much better than this walt disney character he created. He is as real as ronald mcdonald …..
Thanks Positivagirl! You are right! And he loves Disney! Too funny! Went to Disney World with the wife on vacation. And wears Disney T shirts. I told him he looked silly being a 53 year old man wearing Disney T shirt. Thanks for your support. Valentine’s day was hard for me….even with him 10000 miles away
Awe thats kind of funny huh 🙂 am sorry you had a sad valentines. Next year can be with a real amazing man!! Who is everything he says he is and not a disney fan lol
My Ex started dating a random girl just 5 days after we broke up,after telling me that he will NOT get into a relationships for a very long time.Unbelievable BS!! I just try to tell myself not to take it personal,since he has a pattern..I was the new “love of his life” last time 😀
All a Sociopath does is lie, lie and lie. Try to establish no contact as quickly as you can. No contact lessens and can eliminate control by the sociopath. No contact is your first step into your better world and you will be able to find you again. And finding you is SO WORTH IT!!
How do I get him out of my life? He’s the father of our 2 yr old son, I have moved 3 times last 2 years, he finds me, weasels his way back in, through empty promises, he plays the roll for a month or so and then quickly turns. 5 years ago we started dating, he moved in with me a month into our relationship, I thought I met the “one” however, soon after I started to feel suffocated, as he was always hanging over my shoulder asking “whatchadoin?” I’d give him the look like – are you fn serious? He could see what I was doing, but still needed me to verbally answer him, “the fn dishes” I’d reply, or he’d knock at the bathroom door ” hey babe, whatchadoin?” Sometimes I’d try to pretend I Didn’t hear him and ignore him, but he’d repeat himself louder the second time “BABE!!! whatchadoin?” Really ??? What am I doin? What does it matter? I hadn’t been in there for any longer than 10 mins. It didn’t matter what I was doin, he constantly asks me ” whatchadoin , no word of a lie, some days he could ask me anywhere up to 30 or more times a day!!! I thought I was going to go insane! That’s all I started to hear in my own head.,. “Whatchadoin?, whatchadoin?” Playing over and over in my head! He did that constantly the first 2 years, then I just started completely ignoring him. Now he doesn’t do it as often, but he feels it’s his right to know every detail in my life. But if I ask him anything I’m told it’s none of my business. He tries to tell me who I can snd can’t associate with, however he refuses to tell me who he associates with all together, he always refers to anyone as “someone ” never a name given, ex: ” someone I know” or “my buddy” or “buddy’s buddy” or ” just a person I met” or ” uh, you know, that chick, that went out eith that guy, what’s his name ?, you know him, he used to live at.., uh? WhAtsherfaces place.” Really??? I don’t even bother asking. He takes my phone hides it goes through it, and then it turns up days later somewhere I know for a fact I wouldn’t have put it, or he will place it in open and say..” It’s right there, you must have walked passed it a dozen times ” really ? How did it end up downstairs when I was upstairs in bathroom.? He goes through my purse, has tracker on my phone, hacks my email I have to keep changing accounts, he reads my mail, questions every penny I spend, lies to family to gain sympathy, when I left him last time he tried to convince his parents I was an unfit mother!!!! And asked them to help him take. Custody !!!! Thank god his parents are close to me snd told him outright “NO!” That really pissed him off! That his own fsmily took my side! It was war after that ! He told me if I didn’t give him one last chance to prove to me he could be the man of my dreams he would do everything in his power to have our son taken from me!! Even if it meant our son would go to foster care! He wants his family to perceive him ” as having it together”, he’s compulsive cheater, I’ve seen enough trolling internet Facebook etc for any easy women he can find, I’ve been told by people who know him. Each time I give him evidence of what I find he lies, denies or says it was someone else ! He forces himself on me, hits me infront of our son. Yells at me calling me every name in book, I’m embarrassed to say hi to my neighbours, worried other kids won’t be allowed to play with my son. I don’t wsnt my son to be witness to this fearing he will turn into an abuser himself. I can’t get family involved, calling police is not an option, they can’t protect me 24/7 neither do I want to live like that. I’ve tried to lock him out ( lease is in my name only) he sits outside 8 hours one time, he knocked so long and hard his knuckles were raw! My son and I hiding upstairs trying to be quiet! I was praying for a neighbour to call cops no one did.. I couldn’t handle it anymore so I finally let him in 5am! Then he starts yelling screaming at me! I sleep with my house key in my bra! My cell phone under my sons bed! I feel as long as I’m alive I will be a source of something anything for him. He follows through with threats, and I have no doubt he would do whatever he could if I ” messed with his program” so to speak. I really like our new place, and I need stability for my son and I . How do I become less of what he needs? How do I get him to leave? I tell him almost that I can’t stand him, that I want him out, and I ask him why does he insist on being somewhere he is not wanted! But he figure he has some kind of right to be a bourdon that he can act however he please and I should just accept it! Some days I felt like jumping out the window just so I wouldn’t have to hear his voice. He will yell at me for hours on end, and if I hum or cover my ears he goes insane! I locked myself in bathroom jut last week to get away, he smashed the door in half with one punch! I’ve been through women’s programs, community safety plans etc. lived in a shelter with my LO for 5 months. I can’t keep packing and moving I’m exhausted and I just want happiness and peace in my life. At this point u would appreciate any and all advice I can get. It’s hard because I have tried to keep my friends and family out of this, I hate worrying my loved ones and feel ashamed, plus he acts different around them, and would probably try to convince them all I was crazy or something.., I just don’t want them to have to be subjected to his bs. I’m rambling off now.
Ps. Love this site, finally found someplace real where people aren’t pretending to be a sp or a professional, relating here has been relief on so many levels.
Yes, the new girlfriend thing. Suddenly, his profile and pics are hidden on the dating site. He must have met someone – and she must be perfect. And, then, 4-5 months down the road he dumps her like he did me and the previous 3-4 GFs. I just wish i could let go, stop obsessing, and get him out of my head. because it is crazy making to wonder what he is doing. The last time we met, he told me he only had small L love for me and we could only be friends, and then he said if he never saw me again, it wouldn’t matter to him. wow – that hurt. Why doesn’t it set me free?
Thank you fo writing this. It has really helped me.
I had forgotten about this post, and your comment reminded me, so that I could read again. I wrote this almost 2 years ago. It is so true. She will have him, and only him, while you are free and you have the world.
Love this..thank you pos girl. This helped me a lot
Thank you James.