For the past five years, I have known and loved a man who is incapable of feeling guilt, remorse or empathy. He is generally cunning, manipulative and knows the difference between right and wrong but dismisses it when applying it to himself. He is incapable of normal emotions such as love, and reacts without considering the consequences of his actions. He does not feel it necessary to leave any woman with a sense of closure, and chooses to walk away, leaving them shocked and confused… me, being on the of them .
Five years ago, I had an extremely happy, well-needed, yet very erotic affair that lasted a year, and, of course, I fell in love. This affair consisted of texting, chatting online, e-mails, talking on the phone, and once-a-week sex for a whole year. Sometimes, the sex would occur more than once a week. For the initial nine months, chance meetings also occurred in parks or at the canal. These visits took place during his work lunch breaks, at night after work or during the day on weekends. These meetings were my favorite times with him because I got to keep my clothes on, so they made me feel like a real person, and I thought, at the time, that he really had feelings for me — me, the person, not just me, his source for sex.
After the initial nine months, the chance meetings stopped, but the once-a-week sex remains. Now our affair consists of phone calls, texts, e-mails, chats online and sex. That’s it. No more keeping my clothes on. This goes on from mid-December to March 3, when he asks me to leave my husband.
Now I am a romantic, but I am a realist too. My heart and my mind are always on a battlefield together, but there is always a winner. Realistically speaking, I was his lover… not his wife, not his girlfriend in public… nothing but a mistress behind closed doors. What did I really know of him? …drinks at a bar and whole lot of sex. Is this relationship the kind of relationship that would make me leave my wonderful life? Did I know how he woke up in the morning? …how much he drank when I wasn’t around? …his work ethic around the house? …if he was independent, self-sufficient, moody? What was he like in front of other people? Would he have fit it in my world with my colleagues and with my friends? What kind of father was he? How would he and my son get along?. Does he clean the toilet? Does he fart to the point of having skidmarks in his underwear? These are things we women have to know! I honestly don’t know what kind of woman he thought I was… a woman that did all her thinking through her vagina?
Because of who I am, an extremely analytically-thinking person, I need answers. From the time I started losing him, and this was months before he even asked me to leave my husband, I was sad inside because he was changing slowly, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt as women in love often do. During all of this, he was going through a divorce, had to deal with finances, his kids, and a demanding job. So instead of being in the forefront of his life as I was initially, I sat back and watched as I became part of the background, and I saw him slowly demolish our relationship. I knew it was happening, but I refused to add anymore stress to our already stressful lives, so I kept on loving him, stood by his side and waited for the ball to drop. There was no sense in becoming desperate, mistrusting or fighting. I have learned this long ago. It was better to enjoy the remaining time I had left with him, and remove myself from his drama than to become a part of his madness.
So, I sat back and waited while he started to become an entirely different man with me. He distanced himself from me, would not answer my questions, and watched me suffer for almost two months, until I finally realized that no one had the right to treat me like this, so I threw a wrench in it to see if he truly had any feelings for me, and I shut him off of the sex. It was then that he turned downright nasty. I had no choice but to give him what he wanted, and we had the only fight we ever had, and I left, and I never saw him again for a couple of years.
There comes a point where I realized that the only one that was going to have any respect for me, was me. Here it is, years later, and I realize now that he forced me out of his life. He has come up with numerous reasons why, but the long and short of it is … he had a new source for sex. Men like this never get rid of any source until they have a new one. They get bored easily, and they never stop looking. Of course the internet has now made it so much easier to accomplish this. Keep in mind here that it wasn’t until almost four years later that I understood exactly who he is and what really happened with us.
A YEAR after the break up, I wrote him to get everything off my chest. Mistake! I received the most scathing e-mail in return that I have ever received in my life from anyone. You cannot confront him. He will dance around the issue, always blame it on you somehow, or blame it on someone: his ex-wife, his current wife… anyone. If you corner him, trap him or ask him point blank questions that he doesn’t want to answer, he will turn into a caged animal and fight back with his words in the most horrific way. The reason for this scathing e-mail is because he was happy with his new source for sex, he no longer needed me, and he didn’t want me to disturb his new-found happiness. It is only now that I realize that it is the “new” thrill that always motivates him.
TWO YEARS GO BY… At this time, I am still hanging in space, still wondering why he walked away and still wanting answers. He contacts me, apologizing for the last night we are together. I remain civil to him because any other emotion will anger him. We chit chat about things, and I let him apologize. I hang up thinking, “He is apologizing for the last night we were together? What about all of his actions prior to that night?” And I laughed. It is now that I have started to put two and two together.
I am intelligent, nut my mind is so very different from my heart. I still want to believe that this man was inherently good, so I sit and wait… patience is a virtue you know. I am still praying to God here — always wondering where is the man that I met? He has to be in there somewhere, and my heart gives the mind excuses and justifications for still loving him. “Maybe he is realizing he made a mistake.” But the heart and mind are bickering, and the mind is telling me, “Something is not right? Maybe he is not getting along with his new woman, and he is looking for another affair.” Drat, that mind! I can never get it to keep quiet!
Now starts contact between us via e-mail, and a texts once in a while.. And please keep in mind that every so often, I am still receiving , “I love you”, from him in writing, and of course I am still trying to see him, because even if we can’t be lovers, I missed my friend terribly. So, I am not out of the woods yet.
THREE YEARS GO BY, and in January, we have a phone conversation that lasts for hour and a half. His version of the truth comes out. He was crestfallen and heartbroken that I wouldn’t leave my husband for him. Okay… stop laughing. Really, this is what he said! The very first week of our relationship, this was my only request of him: Neither of us was to ever ask the other to leave our spouse. It had to come naturally. If it doesn’t, then one will always resent the other if it doesn’t work out between them. He used the one and only thing I asked him not to do. Because it was the excuse he needed to leave and blame me.
Now comes the best part of the conversation. I asked him why he kept me around for another couple of months after asking me to leave my husband, and he answered it truthfully, “for the sex”. Once again, I acted with no emotion as he went on to take the blame; and that he was selfish; and that he was the one that threw us away, and so on and so forth. I kept on talking to him for a few minutes, but I don’t remember anymore of the conversation as it was difficult to keep my composure. I hung up the phone, and cried so hard that I am thankful that I was alone that day. But now that my head has cleared, I think very differently. “Oh, the poor thing… I broke his heart so badly that no other part of his body could work any longer except his penis.”
Throughout the course of the past two years of contact, I had to figure out ways of dealing with this man in my efforts to understand him, and to figure out why he treated me the way that he did so long ago. He took full blame for our break up in that phone call a year ago, and just a couple months ago, it once again, became my fault. I was angry at this at first, and then when my head cleared, again, all I could do was laugh. This man fluctuates between right and wrong all the time, and always without a winner. But now he is slowly but surely shredding apart everything I ever thought of him, and he no longer cares. He now blurts out all his forms of debauchery, adding crudity, selfishness, sexual and womanizing remarks. All respect for me is gone.
I have been trying to find that sweet, funny, respectful, friend of mine for four years now. He didn’t have to be my lover, my boyfriend or anything. All I wanted of him was to be was the man I once remembered him to be. And I have tried writing/texting everything to him: love, humor, chit-chat, more love and support, and then I even stooped so low as to even talk about our past sex life at times to try to see some semblance of the man I once knew. I guess I did this because I knew it was the only thing that would arouse him and hold his interest. But in the end, nothing worked. The sex talk only made him excited, and maybe hopeful that he would get me back in bed some day. I realized that I was only holding his attention through sex, which, come to think of it, may be the only way I held his attention throughout my entire relationship with him, only back then, I didn’t know it.
Sometimes, he would respond to my writings with love also, but he would always go back to the man he is today… the man that makes me cringe sometimes. But thank god he never sees this as it is behind a PC screen or a phone screen. He has become nothing like the man I remember, and truth be told, I would never go out with the man he is today. I have and still snub men like him… men that don’t treat me with the respect I deserve. The day has come for me to finally give up, and it is the day that I finally realized that I will never see the man I once thought so highly of again. He has disintegrated off the face of the earth.
Throughout the course of love and time, I had to teach myself to be brave. Brave enough to hold on when things went wrong, brave enough, because it was an affair, to hold all my emotions inside of me, and then finally, be brave enough to finally let go when he slowly but surely revealed himself to me.
It was such a long road for me, and one of the worst experiences of my life, and all because of the man he portrayed himself to be for me. Even with all that I know of him today, I still miss that man. I had hope for the first time in 20 or so years, and I had blind faith and trust in that man.
The very last night we were together, and fought, my last words to him were, “Don’t you know what love is?” And he answered, “I thought I did with Mary Jane”, who was his girlfriend right after high school. That was 30 or more years ago! You cannot imagine how I felt after spending a year of my life with this man. I couldn’t speak. I looked out the window of his car for a minute, so he couldn’t see my face, but I could not control the tears, so I had to go. I lifted up the door handle and left. Here it is five years later, and I can’t believe how right on the money I was back then: He doesn’t know what love is.
But now I feel the exhilaration and the thrill of freedom to finally be able to let go of things that were out of my control, and this has made me become, once again, the happy-go-lucky woman I was before I met him, but from this experience, I am now an even better woman.
It is ironic that I once found this freedom with him, and now I find it again, being free of him. Maybe this is one of the lessons? I have been struggling to try to find the lessons learned ever since he told me his version of the truth, and how he used me. But I suppose that will come in time. Maybe it was patience. I had to have patience that some day I would find out everything on my own, but I know that it is much deeper than that. As my mind becomes more clear every day, I know I will have the answers soon enough.
Do I still love the man that I thought he was? Yes, and I probably always will, but I know that he wasn’t real. Mainly, I think only of how I felt at the time… the feeling of being in love, and how wonderful the world looked to me back then. So I guess it is the way he made me feel that will remain with me, and that is a good thing. I should never forget my own feelings.
It’s unfortunate that he will never realize that in order to love anyone, you have to love yourself first and foremost; and I know from being with him that this was tough for him to do. I tried to build him up, get to have confidence and to try and be a stand up guy, but my efforts failed. Without love for yourself, you cannot possibly love anyone else. I am probably one of the few people that know there is an inner sadness in him, and I tried my best to make him happy, but it is up to him. You can never rely on anyone for your own happiness.
I think sometimes that it may be possible he understands just how different he is from other people, but the old adage applies here… “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make ’em drink”. Then, I suppose, there are other times when he is quite happy with himself. Who knows? I don’t feel sorry for him because he doesn’t know what it is like to have all that he is missing.
Because I still want to see some goodness in him, at the very least, I can commend him for trying to be the man he thought I wanted, which is someone just like me. He knew he couldn’t do it any longer because he had another source for sex waiting in the wings, so he devised a way to get out of the relationship and yet still have the ability to blame it on me. I don’t care anymore. If it makes him feel better about himself to blame me, then he can. But everyone knows when dealing with this type of person, you will never, ever get any closure. They walk away to keep it open-ended, so that they can always keep you on the back burner.
I have written to this man more than anyone else in my life, although he hasn’t received one-tenth of what I have written. In the last few months, he has become callous, disrespectful but mostly lewd… taking away the classy… mysteriously sexy and erotic man that I knew. I guess because he knew that this would bother me. He was waffling back and forth, contradicting himself often… almost confused about how to act with me. It seems as though half of him is still trying hard to have sex with me again, and the other half of him knows that it is a lost cause and doesn’t care what he says to me. It is often comical to see him struggle with this. Today, he has finally given up his cause with me. He doesn’t contact me anymore. Funny how he wanted me to have my morals and scruples, but now, he doesn’t care… he just wants the sex!
Here is the last thing I wrote to him, but, as usual, I never sent it.
Well, I have read a lot about you. I knew that some day you would ignore me and have no use for me anymore. You can’t even be friends with me. It’s okay. I understand. I know who you are now, and how you will react to just about anything. now. I know too much.
I often wonder why you revealed so much to me. I guess maybe you thought it was time… time for me to know that the man I knew was a fake and a phony, or you have given up the fight to get me back in bed with you. I think it is the latter…
My memories are finally just memories… memories that have joined the rest of my memories. It is those memories that have made my life exciting and most of all, they have made me grateful… grateful for all my experiences, for my wonderful life and grateful to be alive. I am most grateful for being raised the way I was… to have self esteem, to be a good person, to believe in love no matter what happens, and most of all to have the common sense to know what is best for me. Without this, I may have ended up with this man, and my life would have been a disaster.
It feels so damn good to have my mind and my heart free once again. The intense sadness and confusion that I have felt inside for years is finally gone. I can breathe again, and a weight has been lifted.
I have to thank myself for having the tenacity to exercise so much patience in my efforts to find the truth, and I guess I can thank this man for being callous enough towards me to stop hiding and finally show himself, and thank you God, most of all, for answering my prayers. All I ever wanted to know was the truth.
I should add here: If it wasn’t for you Nikki, I would have never, ever known about these people. I would have never understood what happened, and it would have taken me much longer to move on. Thank you so very much for helping all of us, and letting us know that we are not alone.
You are welcome Cindy I had meant to come back to your post, I am sorry I haven’t yet. At the time when you wrote it I had a lot going on. I do hope that what I write helps you. It is good to know that you are not alone. Whilst you hurt, others hurt too. I hope that with healing will bring peace, after understanding, and in the future, somebody who is more stable into your life.
My eyes are exhausted from reading so many accounts. A man I dated left me not knowing who to reach out to. This man disrupted my entire family, so there is no support system period. Its as if he sought out to destroy all that was important to me and my life w family. He did vile things, using my mind, body as some science project. Much to be said for hindsight being 20/20. If I’d followed my gut, my intuition, from beginning. Instead, I followed my heart…which I was always good at. I have a background, or did, in mental health, as a registered nurse. I was at very vulnerable point in my life anyway, so that, and sociopaths being so good at what they do…likely would not have mattered. They seek out the big-hearted, immediately targeting in on any vulnerability. Though, I don’t need to tell you any of this. Truthfully, I am desperate for help… someone who understands, is available, wont chalk you up as crazy and any ideas on where to seek help. I live in southern Illinois…a very rural area and its hard finding proper help. Ordeal has left me anxiety stricken, isolated from family and friends and emotionally frozen. Like symptoms of P.T.S.D. But I have passion, great passion to live again and help others. If you know of anybody or have any ideas Id be very grateful. Only reason haven’t left this area is because as mentioned I’ve been locked up suppressing it far too long, and seems this ex managed to use my family and anyone necessary as some pawn in order to destroy me. Things he did I become afraid to mention bc for months no one listened. This ex did everything right and sadly ppl needed most… family, and even others either liked all that this ex would do for them, or refused to get in middle of it. I’m at a loss. And at 43, I’m scared I’ll never get life back without intervention/support. And, I can’t settle for this. Its not me. Or wasn’t before he came into life. He’s gone but I don’t trust he is fully.
If your gut instinct says he isn’t gone…. you are probably right. As they do have a tendency to creep back into your life once the dust has settled or they have run out of supply elsewhere. they always keep a source of supply. So, keep your guard and stick to no contact. Its nice to meet you anyway 🙂
I wish I’d known about you poitivagirl 3 years ago, he would not be with me now. This blog has been a revelation. Yes I’m still with him although he’s at a party and of course missing me and telling me he loves me standard stuff. I dont’ love him. When the scales have fallen from your eyes and you see the father of your cherished only son for what he is,a shallow sly manipulative charming charismatic crazy man. it is time to be very calm resourceful and determined to seek the best for our lad. I’m on anti depressants and my head is in a much better place, I’m getting stronger and happier and so aware of him and his condition I study him and always smile as I know. I’m definately going to see my solicitors so slowly slowly things will be sorted. The counselling I’m receiving has been great and knowledge is power. thank you Nikki
Do you have a plan to leave liberty? I am so happy to read that you are getting support, and counselling, that will help you. Try to build up support around you. it is interesting how you see things so clearly once you know. Have you told your counsellor that you think he is a sociopath?
My story . . . My life hit a low a few months ago for these reasons: I moved to escape a crazy neighbor; a family member who is a an addict did something terrible and wreaked havoc on several lives; I got sick, dealt with several snow major storms and a hurricane (starting a few days after I moved), and my car was hit by person who fell asleep at the wheel. I ended up with a back injury, sitting in the hospital, thinking of the really wonderful, kind guy I had met a few weeks before at a coffee shop where several of us met each week after a support group meeting.
While at the coffee shop I looked up and there was this aggressive, arrogant jerk sitting across the table, staring intensely at me (gee – the “predatory stare”). He insisted I was going to going riding with him on his motorcycle, and I told him “NO.” He was a fireman/paramedic and a builder on his time off, so I took his number and called him a week later for estimate of work – my home is a fixer-upper and I’m practical. I wasn’t attracted to him, but somehow he changed into Mr. Nice. We talked. He texted me several times a day, photos, kind messages. He plowed my driveway, fixed my door (at no cost), rescued me from nearly freezing to death after being w/out power for days after a blizzard (no food, no heat, no shower, etc.), held the door open, helped me to get my coat on, and oh so kind. A couple of days after the blizzard when he plowed my driveway, he brought me to his home which had a generator, heat, and hamburgers. I was at my lowest, a starving, cold, dirty dog & finally started to really like him despite my initial misgivings about him.
Another storm, and suddenly he couldn’t plow because he went on vacation to the Carribbean with his daughter (he really was). I was in the car accident that week, and while sitting in the hospital realized I was in love. Thought for sure he’d at least text, but nothing. He returned and we finally got involved and the kindness continued, but suddenly he was free with spending my money on new appliances for my kitchen. He was practically living with me despite having a nice home of his own. He kept volunteering to do fixer-upper projects in my home; I’d buy supplies & suddenly his schedule would change.
The gaslighting started. He had periods of “withdrawal,” ever so slightly cutting comments, the texts weren’t as frequent, all punctuated by bouts of loving smiles and “I love you. You mean so much to me. I feel like we’re soul mates.” He stoppped staying overnight at my housebecause it was inconvenient given his work schedule. He would also ask, “why don’t you call me? or text me?” When I did fall for that one, he either didn’t return the call or text, or was cold, or said he had to go sleep. One night he gave me a choice of eating dinner at his house or that he’d bring dinner to my house. I opted to eat at his house. He then promptly scoleded for making that choice, and that I should have known he wanted to bring the food to my house. It was like he was keeping score of how many times he could “one-up” me. The soul mate thing didn’t work, as I’m rather analytical, so there were suddenly freaky, “coincidental” bouts of “I’m thinking the same thing as you,” or “we’re so well matched, we even walk alike!” Oh wow, “we both like peanut M&Ms.” “Amazing, our all time favorite movie is “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”
Then, ah, the other women. Oh, he ‘s perceived in the community as Mr Nice, Mr Faithful, Mr. one-woman man, but he certainly like to give younger versions of me the predatory stare, and attended a local support group meeting which had a group of women who adored him, eps. one young newly divorced female who sat there crying. No one believed me . . . said I was insecure, but you had to see him in action. He started to show an angry side, a cold side and not the nice person I had fallen for . .. again, no one believed me and accused me of being phobic about relationships. I felt like an object, a spoke in the wheel of his truck, compartmentalized. I didn’t get angry for fear of being seen as insecure or clingy. I caught him in minor lies. My fHe shoved me away from him one time (I was leaning on him while standing in line in public). He erupted screaming the last day of a vacation we took in the Florida keys, and later blamed me because it was so hard to focus on me duing the vacation while having to deal with his child custody fight being waged against the ex-girlfriend/mother of his child.I had begun to feel anxiety-ridden, to the point that I had weird feelings of being in danger, and wanted to crawl out of my skin to escape the fear and anxiety.
He was very busy obsessing and spending thousands to fight the ex-girlfriend over custody of their child. Would drive by theirr house & slow down to look .Gosh, there’s so much more – it got worse . . . more withdrawals, more of “I love you,” He was cheap too. Promised so much . It only lasted three & a 1/2 months. I broke it off two weeks ago when it was obvious something was up. I had stayed at his house, he told me how much he loved me,asked me to move inwith him, took off for work (he was suddenly obsessed with allegedly working both jobs every day, nearly 24/7). We made plans for a walk & dinner that night. Later, he tried to worm his way out of it with a weird story and an “I’ll talk to you later” which I had Iearned by then meant he wasn’t going to talk later in most cases. I to He came over to dinner, but it was weird. I asked what was going on that day, then again the next. He got angry, then calmed down and oh so nicely said “let’s meet at the fire station, talk, & have dinner. I broke it off. He was up to something, and I’m at a point in life that I’ve had enough of this crap. this site helped me immensely. My mother has a degree in psychology & said he is a sociopath. Luckily, that is the end. He isn’t stalking (too busy harrassing the ex), and I cut him out of my life before there was more financial damage. he can’t afford his house due to all of his legal expenses, so I think he wanted me for both sex and to get me to sell my home & move the equity into his home.
PS, I think he is up to something else. Not sure what it is – just a feeling – something not good and nothing to do with me, but this is only a feeling. No proof.
lost puppy May 15, 3:56 am
Hello, I replied to a comment earlier without even introducing myself. I chose the name lost puppy because I thought it would be the only comment I left here, the dog analogy hit me like a ton of bricks. I have visited many sites and read many blogs, your blog is the most connected I have felt in my isolated world. I seem to be struggling, going back and forth between is he the N Spath or am I. Then I find myself crying and remember when I asked him (on repeated occasions) to explain his apologies for cheating repeatedly, going to strip clubs while “working” on us, for calling me horrible names only to call me them again soon after the apologies, for making and calling me crazy/insane/psycho when I accused him of the “truth”, for giving me access to accounts/passwords only to enable/disable as punishment for asking the very thing I’m talking about here now, to explain his apologies, “with feeling, honest emotion”. The silence, followed by the words, “I got Nothing” so matter of fact, is the constant I hold on to. The anger/rage, twisting, deflecting and blaming if I pushed for more. This is the mild stuff I endured because I let him back in while I was still making excuses and actually trying to figure out how to better deal with someone who has ADHD and I must be Bipolar like he says. All this ‘trying to fix’ myself led me to the truth. The worst of it all came after my Mom 10-2012 and my cousin 02-2013, who is a brother to me, suddenly passed away. How could someone be so cold and intentionally cruel? My defenses were down and I couldn’t hide from the truth. I watched the mask not just slip but fall right off. The devil showed his horns, to not just me but my children. My life has been threatened, I believe he messed with mine and my daughters cars with intent to harm. It has been and still is a scary ride.
Sorry so long, though I imagine you all know that is just a tiny bit of my story. Our story.
First, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul. To not feel crazy, is freedom.
Second and most importantly, Reading all of the above, I realized for the first time in 9 yrs that I was his, “look at the woman I am with” to make the other jealous. The hold he had to stay in her life was a son, that he obviously had no real emotions for. And that FAKE LAUGH! Oh, how I hated it! As though he was enjoying him when he thought someone was watching. I was the mirror to make her jealous. That is why he kept me for so long and grew distant, increasing the manipulations between his family and I after she “convinced” him to sign over his rights. I thought she was cold and calculating as a person. I saw what he wanted me to see. She knew the truth.
Rob May 17, 9:41 pm
Hi I feel slightly on my own because as a guy i’ve just come out of a one and a half year relationship with a Sociopath girl. Its weird reading all these true stories from a female perspective when to be honest its so similar. I had the whole story of soul mates and marriage and kids (she even had the boys and girls name). At the start she totally bombarded me with texts and phone calls saying how wonderful I was and how much she loved been with me.This soon went to us spending all are time together and her seducing me majorly (im so angry with myself for this but she was gorgeous and im a guy poor excuse I know) I was not even convinced with her I had all the gut feelings you talk of but she won me over after a few weeks and just told me we were a couple. After a while I realized she had told me lots of lies ranging from having her own flat (lived with parents) to been at uni doing photography (was younger at college) lied about her age and She had a different first name. The stuff they lie about is so silly I wouldn’t of even cared? By the time i found out about these lies I was in to deep. She declared her love for me after telling me she had been raped before and badly treated as a kid. How she told me she loved me was so convincing it was like something out of a film (makes sense) I really started to love her. Anyway she seemed perfect for a few months was sweet, caring, amazing sex etc. Then we got a flat together which I basically paid everything for (she got away with this as was young and had no money) Then she got a job and seemed to resent paying for anything. In the next four months she had three jobs she didn’t seem to be able to keep them. After spending like £1000 a month on rent and bills i think she began to look for someone else after i could no longer buy her much Out of the blue she said she wanted a few days alone to think if she wanted to stay with me (just the day before we were buying clothes for our holiday and i was trying to get a mortgage which she was excited by). I agreed to stay at my parents. She was still seeing me in the day time letting me take her for lunch and teaching her to drive. I know no at the night time she had some guy she had just met in her new job staying in my flat. I thought something was wrong after two nights I drove to flat to check. She said she was having a night in with a GF. I got there and she was out but a guys bag was in the flat. She had obviously dressed up and used all her expensive makeup i got her and was out. She was txting me at this moment telling me she loved me and missed me. When i didn’t txt back she must of thought something was up and came home. He was hiding around the corner. She knew the game was up there was no sorry or been upset she actually looked at me and said “i guess its over” looked at the guy laughed and walked off (not before i took her key). Im not joking she gave me this evil stare it was like she was the devil seriously. After a year and a half of literally every day and night together she did this without a concern in the world. I had noticed the odd weird txt from guys on her phone but nothing to bad she just said it was work people swapping shifts which is crap. In fact all she did was text me the next day asking for her stuff and then she actually wanted the £150 she had paid for our holiday (id lost hundreds on this plus now had a flat i didn’t want a numerous bills im stuck with Then the next day she said she had spoken to the police and if i didn’t give her all the stuff id bought her id get a criminal record (all lies she didn’t speak to them) There has been no contact since i blocked her on fb and her number. She has not tried to contact me which seems different to most people on here. What i don’t understand is the guy she went with has way less money then me doesn’t have a car or his own flat etc so it seems weird they don’t target someone better. Its now been a month and im proud ive not rang her once its so hard. I no how lame it is but sometimes all i want is to hear her voice and go back to one month ago. These people are sick i didn’t no what a sociopath was before and i wish i had known looking back there are so many signs i failed to stop its kinda embarrassing really. She has every sign possible that she is a sociopath except been violent. She thinks she is amazing and its never her fault. Im convinced she has no conscious at all and has no care for anyone in the world (she once said “people just use each other for what they want”) My parents were there then we all looked at each other in amazement). She has no friends and is a loner even though is so charismatic. I even realize now every time she went to get a drink at the bar etc she was flirting with the male staff) The last month has been the worse of my life i thought i had my life partner it is was all a lie. I don’t know how people get through this who were together for ten years married with kids everyone on this site is such a inspiration. Its so hard when you cant talk to people about it because they just think your bitter that your ex cheated etc. Its going to be so hard in the next relationship i realize these people are sick but they make you feel so good at the start! (sorry how long this is needed to type i think)
Rob
I think it might help if you can realize that the person you fell in love with was a fake. What they presented to you was a facade, not who they really are. Realizing that is what helped me to get over my husband after he found his next source of supply. The man I fell in love with wasn’t real and the man I found him now to be was someone I didn’t want to be around. Stay strong because if you go back, you’ll only get hurt again. I wish you the best.
I agree, that if you return you only set yourself up for yet more pain. As they can’t change. Won’t change. And if they can’t get what they want from you. They will go elsewhere to get it.
Thanks for your kind words. I do keep trying to tell myself she was a fake and to think how horrible she was at the end. I guess its human nature to start thinking of the “good times” though which I know are not real. Its such a hard and horrible thing to think the person you slept next to everynight wasnt real it actually freaks me out. I will not go back i can see how people do but i think once uve been crossed you can never trust again anway! I actually read a article in the daily mail like 2 weeks before all this happened and thought what a silly women it would be obviouse if someone was a sociopath. Haha the jokes on me 🙂
You need to stay strong. Yes, it is disallusioning to see that what you thought you were in love with is nothing but a liar, manipulator and corrupt soul.
I was married to one for 11 years, and he slowly turned into Dorian Grey.
He appeared to love me and adore me out in public, but at home , he was hateful,
angry, rage that used me to move up the food chain at work. He used my good will in the community, my reputation, my money. He will find someone else to snack on as there are so many lonely people looking for Mr Right…and he looks the part.
But you know better, don’t go back , dont look back, and don’t shed any tears over evil. Let Evil walk out of your life…and be free!
No more shackles , no more pain…my story is realy crazy…
By the end of it 3 months ago, he was a blithering mess of anger , rage, hate, and I kicked out of the house. One thing to liberate yourself is to tell the story in your circle of friends, so they know what a hell you were in. i kept all the pain and sadness in, and to expose him out in my community as I have been doing gives me relief. Lightens me up, give away the pain , don’t hold it in, don’t be emabarressed, or ashamed that you were fooled. I felt fooled…I felt blind, I felt used, and sad.
Sad for lost time….
Give it away, and enjoy the moment of every day! Each day is a gift that God bestows, and now we live it in a way that is good to you and to others.
We all escaped a bullet, by the grace of God.
I met Joe in August of 2010. He was a widower of 6 months and I was a widow for the same amount of time. We met online and he began calling within a week and we started dating about a week after that. He claimed to be a Christian like myself and seemed to exhibit the faith pretty well. He had 8 kids (4 were out on their own and 4 at home) and his wife had died of lung issues she had been fighting pretty much her whole life. Things moved quickly and within a month we decided we wanted to get married. He supposedly worked as a computer wire installer and that December he was supposedly laid off. So were a lot of other people so it didn’t cause me to raise an eyebrow. He applied for unemployment and got it. We were married in April of 2011. We did not live together before we got married and if we were on the phone talking and his 2 older boys in the home (17 and 15 at the time) started fighting, Joe would ask to call me back after he got them settled. Once we were married, I saw these fights and most of the time they were not with each other but between them and Joe. I could not believe the way these boys yelled at him and disrespected him so completely. These boys obviously had anger issues, but I chalked it up to anger over losing their mom and me being in the picture and told myself that in time things would get better. Joe never tried to look for another job, he was content to be on unemployment. He also applied for food stamps and welfare money and got them. Things seem to be going pretty well between us until the early summer of 2012. I had started noticing discrepancies in his stories. He claimed he had a social security court date coming up in October and that he stood to gain a lot of money if he won. He claimed that the guy he bought his previous house from never put his $70,000 down payment into the bank and now he was fighting that in court as well, though I never saw him take a phone call or actually go to court. I became disabled in 2011 and started collecting social security in July 2012. In August of 2012, we moved from Delaware to Pennsylvania. The 17, now 18 year old had been arrested for drugs several times in Delaware and Joe would not let him move to Pennsylvania with us. The 15 year old had left the home in August of 2011 because of all the fighting and anger between him and his dad. September 2012 the older boy started calling Joe and begging him to let him move up here. Joe had concocted a lie and told him that if he got arrested up here for drugs a landlord could evict you with 7 days notice and we didn’t have the money to go anywhere else. I didn’t find out til Feb 2013 that this was a lie. In October 2012 that boy passed away from heart attack. Joes 21 year old daughter raised such a raucus at the funeral home over getting her brothers ashes after cremation that I had to wonder why this was so important to her. Why was she so set on not letting Joe have them? December 6, 2012 a card came in the mail for Joe in a woman’s handwriting and I knew something was up. I found out he had started an online affair with a woman he had had sex with 30 years before. I watched him write her a note in facebook telling her he wanted to work on his marriage and send it. But he continued to text and email her. On January 4, 2013 I found a second online affair, again with a woman he had had sex with 30 years previous. I confronted him and he denied it…I had just read it and it was still on my laptop for him to see and he still denied it. Needless to say I was really angry. I went down to the family room and picked up his computer monitor and smashed it onto the floor. He had been sitting on that thing 24/7 since we got married. He came up to the living room and with a piece of the broken monitor, he smashed my laptop and then without thinking, totally on impulse, I picked up the same piece and hit him with it. He got a small cut on the wrist and then I called the police because I didn’t know what he may do next. Because of that cut, I was charged with simple assault. That’s when the information really began to flow. He had not worked in over 18 years. In his first marriage, his mother in law paid the mortgage on her second home while they lived in it. When she couldn’t do it anymore, Joe let it fall into foreclosure. She gave them $70,000 to put down on a new home and guess what…Joe squandered it all. Then I found out he had a criminal record and had been arrested some 30 times. Most of it was for fraud…prescription fraud, insurance fraud, and writing bad checks and he even did time. He has been collecting a huge tax return all these years, over $13,000 this year. Now you tell me, how is he doing that, getting a state tax refund and collecting unemployment if he hasn’t worked in over 18 years…fraud. I have reported him in each instance to the proper authorities. It’s only a matter of time before he gets arrested. Joe has a huge issue with alcohol and pain pills. One week to the day after I left, Joe had the first woman in and they were going at it on the sofa in front of the kids. The 15, now 17 year old was back in Joe’s home and having a lot of anger towards this new woman and Joe. Violence broke out between Joe and his son twice in the next 2 weeks and he begged me to get him out of the house and I did. My cousin took him in. Joe made false allegations to Children and Youth to try to get his son arrested but it didn’t work. January 17, Joe filed for a Protection From Abuse Order against me and lied his butt off in it. He claims I pulled a knife on him Thanksgiving Day and that I had said I wanted to boil his skin off. We went to court January 28 and I agreed to a non admission of guilt giving his his order for one year in exchange for being allowed to get my stuff out of the house and still be able to talk to his kids because they were devastated by what was happening. Feb 2, I got my stuff and he informed me that day he was filing for divorce. Joe has called the police claiming that I violated my PFA order by contacting the kids through facebook and saying I was not allowed to try to get me arrested, he has done this twice. Two weeks ago, I had a police officer show up at my door and said Joe called them and said I had threatened him. I’m not stupid enough to call him and have his caller id on his cell phone record that. His son moved in with me March 31 of this year and I tried to help. I got him into counseling, took him to the doctor, took him back and forth to work and saw to it he had what he needed all the way around. Joe was collecting food stamp money all the while and never offered a dime. Two weeks ago, the son, who had been doing drugs starting a few weeks before that, came home high by breaking in through my living room window. That was my last straw and I put him out right then. I called the police and Children and Youth in the morning to let them know there was a minor unsupervised and told them what friends house he was staying at. Recently Joe moved to the town his girlfriend lives in 2 hours away and never bothered to tell his son that he was moving or where to. Children and Youth called me last Thursday and asked me if I was sure I wouldn’t take him back and I said I was sure. They called Joe and he refused to take him. They called his Aunt in Indiana and she took him so they put him on a bus and shipped him out there. He’s angry with my daughter and I (that’s another story) and last night he deleted us and blocked us on facebook and then posted as his status that he would burn my house to the ground if he had to and then he said he would burn my daughter to the ground, said he was crazy deep down, and that had he not gotten away from us stupid people he would have killed us. Then one of his friends started talking to him and asked him if he needed any napalm and the son said he had some. I had someone screen shot this and forward it to me. I called the police this morning and an officer came out, fortunately, the same one I have been dealing with and I showed them to him. He said it was enough to have him arrested and I told him I wanted to press charges…I’ve had enough…and he said he would be charged with harrassment and possibly terroristic threats, that one would be up to his supervisor. One more thing. I started getting letters from the Delaware Social Services saying that Joe, his daughter and myself had been overpaid and they wanted $2300. back in overpayment. The time this was done was from the period of January-June 2011. Joe and I didn’t even get married til April 2011, but he had claimed me in order to get benefits and I didn’t know it. The hearing was May 2 and I had already sent a letter explaining things with a copy of my marriage license and the court cleared me. But that agency sent a garnishment of wages to the Treasury Dept and now I have to fight that to keep my social security from being garnished. I also still have one more hearing on June 4 to answer for the simple assault charge. I already know what they are going to do, a fine, a class, and community service. Joe refused to let them plead it down to a misdemeanor, but once I finish that the charge will be expunged. I have never been in trouble before and I had just got my Bachelors in Criminal Justice and had started on my Masters in Psychology. I am moving in 3 weeks an hour and a half from where I am now. I will not put a forward in with the post office as this is public information and can be gotten by anybody. I have deleted and blocked the entire family from facebook, my email accounts and working now on blocking them from my phone. Not only was Joe a sociopath, he had a very negative effect on each of his kids. Seberal of Joe’s kids and myself tried to warn her what kind of a man he was and she refused to listen, we even sent her the kink to his criminal past and she would still not hear us. The girlfriend works 2 jobs and it will be a matter of time before that begins to fall apart…oh, did I tell you…the girlfriend doesn’t know Joe refused to take his son last week and she told him on facebook she wished she would have known because she was hoping he would have gone to them…hmmm…wonder if somebody will tell her?
I almost forgot…Joe’s older kids believe Joe killed his first wife. After she had her last big seizure, she was in and out of coherency and every time she wanted something to drink, Joe had to be the one to get it for her. He laced everything with alcohol, according to his daughter. She said her mother only ever drank wine and he was mixing hard liquor into her juices. I saw her death certificate and the first cause of death was alcohol.
Joe too, had that stare. Sometimes when he looked at me it was as though a demon was inside of him looking out at me…it was really creepy.I can’t tell you enough how glad I am to be away from all of that now. Doing what I did last night really helped…it feels like a huge weight rolled right off of me. Thank you so much for what you are doing here. I stumbled upon this blog about a week ago and have read everything you wrote. The poem you shared in one of your blogs really spoke to me last night. Though I am completely over him (I do admit, I really want to see him fall for the crimes he’s committed and the lives he’s destroyed), I have moved on. But there was something nagging at me about the whole thing and I just felt like I needed a little piece of knowledge to help me. That poem was it. I realized last night that I was the one who came out of all of this a winner. I already knew they can’t feel anything, but I didn’t see it like I saw it last night. He will never be able to experience love, compassion, empathy etc… and I can and I can’t imagine my life not being able to experience these things. How empty and dark he must be…what a void he has in his existence. I will move forward and i will love again and be happy by the grace of God!!!
Wow Kimmi, Isn’t it incredible the amount of drama that you go through in such a short space of time with them? How are you coping today? Yes I love that poem too. It really does make sense. Ironically I had found that poem, before i knew he was a sociopath, it is written about a compulsive liar, I sent it to him. Numerous times, at that time having no idea of the extent of the truth. Later I realised what he was, and I looked at that poem. How accurate it was. It really does explain how it feels to be with a sociopath! Good to hear that you have got out of the relationship. But it is hard for it not to affect you. That sounds like a lot to go through in a short space of time 😦
It was definitely a lot of drama, but as you know, they thrive on it. I am doing very well today. I am in a new relationship and it is going extremely well. I have taken my time and checked into everything he has told me to verify the truth and he has told me the truth in all things, even when it wasn’t the most flattering to do so. After I received my Bachelors in Criminal Justice, I decided I wanted to pursue my Masters in Psychology because of the criminal mind and I was hoping to one day become a Victim’s Advocate and work with abused women and children and the elderly. I am sure that in getting into this type of work, that I will run into many more sociopaths along the way. What I have gone through has equipped me to help someone else going through the same thing. Going through this relationship has taught me a lot about the human psyche. I should probably mention that my late husband was also a sociopath. He was an ex-cop. But unlike Joe, Scottie was abrasive and very much an extrovert and so when I met Joe, he came off more quiet and charming in his demeanor and that, I believe, is what through me off the scent of the possibility of him being a sociopath. I didn’t know until I read your writings that it was possible to have one or the other personality types within this disorder. I believe we can control our responses by the choices we make in how we let something affect us. I could have chosen to give up and become bitter, but if I do that, he wins. By choosing to pick myself up and dust myself off and keep going, I win. It was a lot to go through, but I believe with all my heart that everything happens for a reason and all things work together for our good, no matter how painful they may be at the time we are going through them. Please know that I really appreciate you sharing your story and starting this blog…that took courage, for as you know, people who are not aware of what a sociopath can do or what he is, don’t understand. You have my utmost respect and I thank you so much!!
Thank you for your comments Kimmi. Charismatic type are the Casanova’s very charming.
Well done you for turning this around, and working to heal others. I worked in the homeless field for 27 years, and find peoples psychology really interesting. What is interesting about sociopaths, is that despite they are all different (like human beings are) – we all have different personalities – they all follow same pattern. Its bizarre. I think that those who are involved with it, closely, actually see it, more than those who are therapists. Simply, because they are pathological liars and incredibly deceptive. Within a relationship you witness the patterns repeatedly. Even though the outcome is always the same.
I have just finished dating a sociopath, a particularly bad one. Now im a strong woman but this has affected me badly and i dont know where to turn. I met my sociopath last year, he was my neighbour living with another woman, i knew this so i never got involved, i have learnt from the past about married men etc. He set out to convince me him and this woman were living together but split up, he couldnt afford to move out etc. Of course i didnt believe a word of it, sounds like a man trying to have his cake and eat it, im not stupid, What got me though was he worked evevryday with a friend of mine and this friend kept telling me no they are split up! he was absolutley convinced he was geniiune, i started to wonder whether it was worth a shot. I still dont get involved evevn though he knocks my door and phones me, i avoid him at all costs. Eventually months later, he moves out so i give it a chance.
During this time my babys daddy commits suicide which is very painful to me, he is straight in there comforting me and wanting to be her daddy (it breaks my heart he did this).He puts me on the biggest pedestal i have even been on in my life, he almost suffocated me with affection, he was an amazing father to my little baby, i was his soulmate,claimed love and wanted to spend rest of his life with me, i was the most precious thing he ever had, he wanted marriage, children, house the lot. I felt like my dreams had come true,i have honestly never had anyone love me and make me feel this way, he supported me financially. Gradually hes letting me down and im forgiving it constantly, doing drugs/drinking and being abusive. He steals from me, ruins our holiday to weymouth, takes me to meet his family and buggers of all weekend. Goes out drinking and doesnt come home all night. Oh and our joint account is 1k in debt. Now he quits his job. He starts stalking me when i go out, smashed my belongings in rage, trying to cause a rift between me and my best friend of 16 years.
Then one day i get a phone call from the ex girlfriend trying to find out who i am and telling me they havent really broke up, she kicked him out because of his drug taking but they have been having sex since they split up. Im in pieces, confused and dont know what to do. So i bang the door and they both come out. He says hes been going round there to check on her etc. He callls her a liar to her face that they have been having sex and says he loves me in front of her. It destyroyed us but he uses this fact that he called her a liar etc, he seems so geniune so i give him the benefit of the very big doubt.
She bangs the door and doesnt leave me alone so i tell him he cant live here. He tells me hes getting a room somewhere and moves out but we decide to try and salvage us and take baby steps. Then she smashes my window. He tells me shes crazy, i buy it, who smashes someones window.
For the next month i see him for a few days then he disappears for a few, Usually after hes given me some sob story about how he needs money for tools for a new job otherwise he cant take the job, i buy into it and give him money then he disappers. He seems so geniune asking me if ill wait for him if he goes to rehab, he has these problems blah blah.
I break it off with him several times in this last period, mainly because i just cant trust him and get over the doubt and the things hes done to me. But he comes back, knocks the door, bombards me with love texts and he just knows how to “get me”. I know in my gut its wrong but no-one has ever made me feel like this before and its addictive. In the end im just a paranoid wreck and the ex partner contacts me asking me if we can talk calmly. I agree, i know hes lying and i just need the truth. So we chat for hours and decide to “catch” him together, so i go round there and find him in just a towel. Hes been living there the whole time since i asked him to leave. Telling both of us he loves us, we are his soulmates etc. I tell him to stay the hell away from me and never speak to me again, If he comes near my house i will phone the police, she does the same and kicks him out. He still has the cheek to phone me that night leaving “sorry, please we need to talk” messages on my phone”. I switch my phone off, its over for me 100% and its insulting that he thinks he can talk his way out of it. Next thing i hear about him is that he is in PRISON for some pretty bad stuff i cant mention, i would guess hes facing 5-6 years. He has been commiting crime to get money for months behind my back. When we both got rid of him he couldnt cope, went on a drinking bender and got into trouble. Karma i suppose losing everything and ending up in prison. Just to make things a bit worse for me he sends me a letter saying he loves this other woman and he shouldnt have led me on. It was like a stab in the back after the hell that man put me through. I cant even find comfort in the fact hes suffering. I hope that some day i can find comfort in knowing that karma got him. I know that i will heal and it will get better. Its just really hard right now because i cant find any comfort in all this. Hes left my life in tatters, and whats worse, im just wandering whats wrong with me because theres this small part of me that misses him and wants him back (what is wrong with me!!) i wont allow myself though, i will go no contact until im over him and what he has done. Luckily hes locked away and cant harrass me and i think hes discarded me now so hopefully a lucky escape 🙂
Drew Russel
survivingbob.blogspot.com
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76.29.109.150 Submitted on 2013/05/23 at 2:05 am
I was in a same sex relationship for 21, going on 22 years next month, witha sociopath. The emotional devastation has been enourmous and I almost lost my life because of the stress, anxiety and panic he created in my life.
In the early stages of our relationship he was needy and played the victim to get my sympathy. Once I was snared he he began whittling away at my life, piece by piece. He started by using my clothes, then my new car, then he lost his job and I worked two to pay the bills. When he did go back to work he was a waiter, a waiter with a taste for the nicer things in life.
He outed me to my family, something I asked him not to do, I just now realized that was a way of controlling me. In doing that he could isolate me from them and have further control.
Eventually his grip worsened and he began to act out violently when he did not get his way. First he locked himself in a closet and made holes in the wall with a chefs knife, just before that he broke apart a piece of furniture and hit himself with pieces of wood.
I worked in mental health and addictions treatment and he was seen by my medical director, they said he was dissociative, a nice word for psychosis. He worsened as the years went on and isolated me more and more, he would sabotage any attempts to make our life better. It became so bad that I had to ask him for simple things I needed. Even when I had money it was gone, I later found secret bank accounts, he was funneling my money into his own account and not paying the bills.
In the last eight years my life went nowhere. It was a constant struggle of fear, depression and he blamed me for all that was wrong because he was never responsible for anything. I became afraid of him, afraid he would kill me, he had said it many times, now I was thinking he could and would do it to protect himself.
In the end my total dependence on him is what got rid of him, I had nothing left to give. But even with him gone the stress that I had been under left me physically sick. On a morning in February I drove myself to the hospital, I was having trouble breathing. When the doctor stood over me and asked if I had advance directives I told him no. He said,”in that case do you want me to resusitate if I need to?” I was in respiratory failure. After several days I was seen by a psychiatrist, I was told I had suffered a complete emotional breakdown and was suffering from severe PTSD.
He has left the state, but I still fear his revenge and am scared that those people he had in his secret double life night harm me for him. It was hard for me to admit that but with the help of a domestic violence advocate and a very good psychologist I was able to see the danger I am in now. We have not completely ruled out moving away and becoming lost, even getting a new social security card for protection.
It has all been like a bad dream, a very scary bad dream with no ending. It will take years for me to be “normal” again. I am most saddened by the my loss of trust. I am a very empahtic, king big hearted person and was cruelly taken by a con, a predator. I am angry at the time he wasted, my life wasted by an unstable maniac. One night he sttod over me when I was ill yelling, “die mother fucker die, repeatedly as he punched hiles in the wall. That night is burned into my psyche forever. I don’t know that I will ever be the same, I don’t know that I will ever trust again. I don’t know if I will ever love again either.
I was 33 when I met him, he 28. I am now 53 and am facing disability. I have been homeless. He said before he left, last summer in a rage, “when I leave you I am leaving you with nothing.” He did, even my beloved dogs are gone.
bulletproofinfla May 29, 12:48 pm
After four years of living with a sociopath who took complete advantage of my trust and credit rating, I was finally slapped in the face with the cruel reality of his fraud and womanizing although the red flags had been flying long before that I imagine. I kicked his sorry butt to the curb when I found out. Of course, he promised to pay some bills after we split but never did (not like I’m surprised) so now I’m going to start sending them to his new workplace. He’s also driving a brand new SUV courtesy of my credit rating.
I am exploring legal options for getting my name off of it and recouping some of the money he defrauded me out of. I’ve outed him on FB and continue to do so to let other women and mutual friends know what a shady individual he is. Sort of like my own PSA. I’m tired of being the victim and am now on the offensive against this pig. Instead of withdrawing from life, I’ve continued to work out, I’m reconnecting with old friends who had no connection with my sociopath, receiving alot of positive support from friends, and have purged my life of those who still maintain a relationship with him (the one’s I know about at least).
I did nothing to deserve this and wish I had listened to my friends and my gut before he really got his hooks into me and my wallet.
JLB May 29, 12:01 am
It has been two years now ,that he finally was so awful to me that he just couldn’t go on anymore in our relationship. I was so caught up in him that I lost sight of all my dreams and just became someone on the defense all the time. We started couples therapy together and he would just blow up and make all kinds of excuses why I was so f’d up. He was about to be exposed by the therapist and got out. He is with a new victim now, they are the new amazing couple, it’s all over face book.
I am still feeling angry and didn’t know why and I feel like something is missing. After reading this I realized that it is my dreams of a happy healthy relationship that has been missing (stolen) from me. That dream of a kind man in my life to grow old with. That is all I wanted.
Thanks for reminding me that his new relationship will end up just as mine did. Now I can only hope that she figures it out and has the strength to get out while she still has her dreams!
I will rebuild!
Nia May 29, 9:31 pm
Thanks for a very helpful article. I didn’t understand before why women were not smart enough to see through predatory men. I consider myself quite aware and smart, but then it happened to me. A well educated man, great job, church-going etc presented himself as a genuine human being, flattered me, rushed to calling me ‘babe’ and ‘honey’ and ‘we’ & ‘us’ within 4 weeks, made me feel guilty that I wasn’t responding as he wanted etc. Then I unexpectedly asked him out of the blue one day what we were. Glad I did that. Caught him totally of guard and we was scrambling for answers. I didn’t accept the cop offs. I cross questioned till I got the truth, then the facade slipped & I saw the wolf in sheep’s clothing! He was just a sexual predator and if he had got sex, from what he said it was clear that I would have just been another conquest. Glad I withheld that. And just about everything else he wanted from me, because I figured that out too! Ladies don’t be too quick to throw your affections and attentions (doing nice stuff for him) on any man who doesn’t reciprocate and earn it! Onwards and upwards to better, younger and hotter…
Debbie May 30, 2:02 am
I got caught up by a preacher. A female and I am a heterosexual female. It started with our shared family name and I wanted to trace our family trees. She took all she learned of me and played on my heart and desire to help “family”. Everyday it was a different sob story. Her family didnt like her. Her 4 ex-husbands abused her. Yes 4. She didnt have a car. Wasnt getting child support. She stressed me out completely. I let her borrow my car. Let her borrow money. Bought food to her. I didnt understand why I was bending over backwards for her. I have very limited faith in the church so i couldnt figure out why I was doing so much for a self proclaimed “Women of God”. So though I have limited faith in the church I do have a tremendous amount of faith in God. I just felt like maybe God had bought that women into my life to help her. Or maybe God was calling me. In addition to that she also reminded me of my mom who had struggled and it was like if I could help her I would save her from my moms tragic fate. It got so crazy in my mind. I kept searching for any reason as to why i was doing so much. The spiritual connection I felt with her she would not acknowledge or validate. I who have never been attracted to women was starting to believe that I must be gay. Nothing else made tangible sense. She dropped me from her life a few weeks ago after she gained a substantial about of money. No more phone calls, messages, she just disappeared. My father recently died and she didn’t even reach out to me in this time of my need. Her title is apostle and prophetess. Another false prophet as the bible speaks of.
Positivagirl…this is long, so please bear with me.
Met him online…incredibly charming just in the written word. He’s a special ed teacher and a bassoonist. Describes himself as hard working and generous (would give a kid the shirt off his back) and giving is more rewarding to him than receiving. Great on paper. Met him a week later and I’m completely entranced. He’s in the midst of a divorce (he’d gotten his papers just 10 weeks earlier and she’d only moved out on him a few months earlier). The divorce is just about a done deal…they have an agreement in place. He’s sweet and charming. I ask if he’s ready to be with someone. He says he is…he hates to be alone. All is good (I tell myself). Except for the woman who walked up to us and warned me that he doesn’t keep his promises. AWKWARD. But I don’t know either side of the story. I give him the benefit of the doubt – he seems so perfect (so no, the next victim won’t listen to your warnings – they’ll be too charmed). He emails me the next morning telling me how wonderful I am and he wants to see me that night. I have plans. We get together the next night. He tells me about these other women he had been seeing…all of them wanted sex from him, it was surprising to him (NLP?). For the next three weeks, I’m seeing him almost every day. He’s constantly texting, or sending sweet ecards, buying me flowers, taking me out. But when I go to his house, his wedding album is still sitting on the coffee table. I see red flags, but don’t believe what I’m seeing. I don’t say anything about it – he’s going through a divorce – I give him a VERY WIDE berth. He tells me that he’s never been dumped, so the divorce (initiated by her) must be very hard, I think. He tells me that he’s used to dating women with money…they buy him things and take hm on trips. I finally stop holding out on sex. We go to Chicago together the next week – I paid for everything except food…ok, fine. When we get back he tells me he loves me. I tell him that I feel it but can’t say it (I wasn’t near ready to say it). Two days later he texts me that he can’t continue an “intimate relationship” with me because I didn’t say I loved him. The right answer from him should have been “I can wait”. I didn’t think of that then. I’m already hooked. I panic and cave and practically beg him to not end the relationship. All the while he tells me that he keeps getting calls and emails from these other women who he had dated but won’t leave him alone. I feel that I’m special and that this won’t be me…this is the real deal. He tells me that an old girlfiend tells him that she still loves him, but he tells me he doesn’t want her, he wants me. He’s always talking about how stressed he is about the divorce and about work…he was so shaken by the divorce that he took a leave of absence. I’m supportive. I have cats (which was posted in my dating profile). I find out he’s allergic…he threatens to leave on the premise that the cats were here first. I tell him that I don’t appreciate his unilateral decision making. He gets upset. I should phrase things more gently…I’m too harsh, he’s sensitive. Ok. We agree that if we decide that we’re going to end things, we’ll have a conversation about it – he promised, but for now, we’re continuing on. A couple of more weeks go by…more of the same. He invites me to spend a few days over at his place…I’m over there a lot. I pack a bag. After a couple of days, he has to call off our plans because his evil ex who had promised to have their thirteen year old daughter had changed her mind and wanted to go off somewhere with her new boyfriend. I hear tales of how evil she was (despite that on our first date he said how he’d always respect her…this is just the divorce taking it’s toll, right?) He didn’t do anything wrong in the marriage, he was a good husband, she just went crazy when her brother committed suicide, he tells me. He tells the daughter about me…she wants to meet me. I come over for dinner and hit it off with the daughter…she and I have a lot in common. While I’m there, he keeps texting me about how I’d be a much better mother. He’s intimating marriage. Keeps talking long term…how I’m perfect and beautiful. Once in a while when we’re out, I get the feeling that he thinks of me as an object on his arm. I also notice that he has a lot of EXPENSIVE items in his home…his ex made a LOT of money. He also has two cars and MANY EXPENSIVE watches…one was his mothers who recently broke her hip and is now in a hospital. He takes me to meet her.
Then, suddenly, the ex is furious about me. She’s threatening to sue for full custody. He can’t have his girlfriend around the house…his lawyer’s advice. Ok. Sound reasonable. I don’t see him for three weeks. The daughter doesn’t spend time at her mom’s…the parenting time is falling apart. She finally goes with her mother for a weekend. He comes to see me in the afternoon (and of course, every time I see him now we end up having sex). He talks about money all the time…detailing his budget and how he can’t afford the house he’s determined to win in the divorce. He asks me what my earning potential is. I’m bothered but not to an extent where I can really identify it. I tell him I really don’t know, but if things continue on my current path, it’s X. He’s got the weekend free. He might go out of town with some friends, I tell him I’d like to see him. He’ll call me later. And he does. From the road. I’m furious. I’ve waited three weeks to see him. His friends are waiting. I tell him they’ll understand…he can give me one night. Nope. I email him and break it off. He emails back with this being my fault, he would have treated me like a princess once he was back on his feet financially. In the exchanges that follow, his words are mature on the surface, but the undertone of viciousness is clear. He met someone else at a yacht party. They’re going to see each other when they get back. He had to go on that trip when he did because he had a friend with cancer who is dying and was only going to be there that night. After he gets back, we meet and have a long talk. I’m concerned about his materialism, point out that his emails were manipulative and it was cruel to flash another woman before me like that. I’m concerned about his materialism and his big rush…things are moving too fast. We agree to move forward, but from this time on, that rush of attention never comes back
The friend who still loves him and is divorcing her abusive husband is keeping some valuables at his place. She’s buying him groceries. She’s taking over the payments on one of his cars so she can use it while her almost adult son uses her car. I feel like I have no idea what’s really going on in his life except when it comes to money and the status of the divorce. He’s nervous about being allowed back to work because of the leave of absence.
He keeps taking off on these last minute trips…he says he needs to just get away. I find myself doing drive bys to see if the car is there…to see if he’s telling the truth about not being home when he takes these trips. I get clever – I drive by at night and then again in the wee hours in the morning just to double check…the car is in a different spot and the lights, which were on the night before, are now out. I confront him with this. He pleads total ignorance. I’m so hooked I let it go. I know that I’m either going to trust him or I’m not…and if I’m not I shouldn’t be with him. I am so hooked that I choose to trust him.
I go to work late on days I can get him to let me come see him at his house. When he sees me, it’s at my place. Things have really fallen off but it’s because of all the pressures and the divorce. He hates when I’m there and have to leave…he never had that kind of response with other women.
I’ll speed this up now. From then on, it’s less and less time with him. Messages I get from him are horror stories about custody…mom coming to get daughter, screaming fights and calls to the police. He’s no longer initiating contact. He’s still telling me he loves me and I’m the one he wants to be with. We now only see each other at my place. I suggest we put this on the shelf until the divorce is final. He’s supposed to call me after the final divorce hearing to let me know how it went. He never calls. Fine. He needs some space to process this.
I still contact him…I can’t seem to help myself. I text – a lot. I ask if he’s seeing someone else…it’s fine, just tell me because I have a right to know. I’m trying to give him support, let him know I’m still there. After a couple of months, he responds…after I gave him a sweater I’d made for him (it was no big deal to me…I needed something to do and I’d started it when things were still good).
He says we can see each other, but won’t set anything up. Several weeks later, we see each other again. He tells me I’m wonderful and perfect, he still loves me, he wakes up thinking about me, goes to sleep thinking about me, wants to be with me all the time, he wants to be with me permanently. The friend who still loves him has bought him a dining room set, an All Clad set and a new set of china…a $10,000 dining set. Why would he accept such a gift, I ask, if he has no intention of being with her? Because she insisted. This woman is “a bottomless pit of money” and he felt that she was “trying to buy” him. He tells me several times that she keeps telling him that she loves him unconditionally. We see each other a few times (and have sex, of course) and then he starts disappearing again.
After another couple of months of this repetition of me trying to communicate with him and getting zero response, I get an email. His life has changed. He can’t continue in a relationship with me. He’s sorry that his lack of communication hurt me. “Circumstances dictate that I need to cut off all communication.” Three days later he sends me a text “You are so wonderful. (Daughter’s name) grandfather died and she is inconsolable. I’m so sorry if I hurt you.” (I don’t actually remember whether or not he said “if”). He’s blocked me on facebook. He’s blocked my calls. But not my texts…
Three weeks later he’s married the woman who was buying his groceries, and his car payments, and, according to him, mortgage payments, the dining set, etc.
I guess I know what was going on during all those trips. That weekend he went away that made me so angry, he’d gotten the information that I didn’t make enough money for him.
So, P-girl. Is this a sociopath? Or am I just utterly codependent and crazy because I basically spied on him because my gut was telling me that he was lying to me? Because I couldn’t stop contacting him? That I STILL have trouble not contacting him? Or is this guy truly toxic?
Post-Script: I know someone who is close to the family and got the scoop. He said that his ex had spent thousands of money on clothes each month. Nope. He was the one who spent all the money. He was forced into a leave of absence from his job because he was so unstable, it was not his election (as he made it seem). He tried to obstruct her when she was about to get her PhD (thus exceeding his own academic accomplishments), they hadn’t shared a bed together in years. He’s a pathological liar. He’s obsessesed with guns. Just really disturbing things that I, fortunately, was not around long enough to witness.
So what’s your verdict? Wouldn’t a normal human being, when faced with such financial woes, sell some of those expensive watches, or at least sell their second car? Was this a gold-digging, narcissistic sociopath who played on my own significant vulnerabilities, or was this just a messed up guy who didn’t want to be with me?
My verdict is that he’s a sociopath, but it is SOOOO difficult to accept that. The only thing concrete I can hang my hat on is that he lied to me…and the more I think about it, the more lies I uncover.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for your patience. There are so many more little things that were disturbing on such a low level, but I’ve written so much already. This has been profoundly wrenching. I have thought about reaching out to the ex, but that’s a form of contact with him. I need to hear from someone else who’s got some experience with this madness…and I really like some of the things I’ve read on your blog.
Hi Barbara, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I did read it all the way through. It is really difficult at first to come to terms with. I really struggled at first, as it is so unbelievable that this has happened to you.
From your story, this sounds like classic sociopathic behaviour to me. My story was very similar. He even faked the mother of his daughters cancer, said she was dying. His motive was money.
I know that this can be so hurtful to hear. I also know how they lure you in. I think that what I write here, should explain things to you. As I think that you met the same type that I did.
Sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars. What kind of man behaves in that way? Gets you to pay for a holiday, takes off of a woman? Sociopaths seem to have some grand sense of entitlement, like they are entitled to take what they want. To use people for ‘source of supply’. They do not feel love like we do.
My ex said he loved me and wanted me back, but that was likely ONLY because I was better source for supply (money) than who he is with now.
This is NO reflection on YOU. This next person he is with is his latest victim. He might marry her but this means little, he will be with her until he financially sucks her dry, and she has nothing left. In a way, if you still have some money – and he hasn’t ruined you, you have had a lucky escape.
You might find this difficult at first to come to terms with, but i promise you, nobody stays in the ‘fog’ of confusion forever.
Those mixed messages that he sent you – stalling for time, this is common with sociopaths.
I know that you are hurt and likely confused. Honestly YOU have the best deal here. The one that he has married, (if he has), – remember they lie – he will live off her like a parasite, a financial tap, until every penny is gone, and she is left with nothing.
You have had a lucky escape from this man. Only because he found a better victim…. and that is all that she is to him.
I write a lot about healing and recovery. Focus on those things, and not on him, but read as much as you can. The more that you read, the more clear things will become and the less confused you will feel.
You really need to break ALL contact with him (see my articles in recovery and healing section about No contact). This means blocking messages on your phone. Blocking email, social networks. Everything. So he has no way of contacting you.
Focus on you, healing and recovery – and breath a sigh of relief that he moved onto new source for supply before he ruined you.
Thank you so much for plodding through that and responding so quickly. I tried to be deliberately unemotional and factual in my narrative because I didn’t want t color it with my own confusion. The “Dear Jane” email was just a few weeks ago. I actually heard about his engagement and marriage through the person close to the family…he is, in fact, married to her. He often told me he didn’t want to drag someone down financially…guess that’s part of his m.o. – sponge off someone who can afford it.
I have blocked his texts from my phone and all known email addresses I have from him (his Dear Jane email was from an address I’d never seen before); but I can’t block him from FB because he’s blocked ME! That means he’s retained some level of control. It’s hard to say NC when he’s stonewalled me. But I’m resolved to continue living my life the way I had before I met him. It’s kind of like after 9/11 – if you live as if you’re in fear, the terrorists win.
Thank you so much for the validation…because I was not witness to the kind of emotional and psychological torture that follows (and will follow in his new marriage at some point), it becomes harder to know that what I was seeing was a sociopath. The validation on this site (and others) is INVALUABLE. His abuse of my heart was so subtle it’s hard to know if it really happened or if it was in my head.
I AM working on my recovery…tackling the issues that made me vulnerable in the first place – dealing with my own childhood traumas and the narcissistic treatment from my father which keeps me in this script with other men. It’s soooo confounding right now, but I also know that at the end of the day, I will emerge from this stronger than I was before, more sure of myself, and, God willing, firmly standing in love of myself. They can’t get you if you love yourself.
Thank you again…I’ve been to a lot of sites on this (obsessively trying to understand this) and this is a great one!
Thank you Brenda 🙂
Read my posts on healing and recovery! Really you do need to believe, that YOU are the lucky one here.
As for him blocking YOU on facebook – this is because he can unblock you and see your wall. When facebook upgraded peoples walls can be seen, so make sure that you upgrade your privacy settings!!
See it like a child, whose parent has hurt them, and they kick off, and cause the most pain that they can. Reacting out – that is what it is like.
You won’t see her life – but – you might get to hear about it later.
Nothing you could do would change things for her, as he would have lied about you. Said that you were obsessed with him etc… loads of lies…
i do promise that he will take money from her, both my exes 2 previous exes said the same, that he was a compulsive liar, i struggled to believe it. But it was true. I bet his ex wife would say the same 😦
Its now time to focus on YOU and healing and recovery!!!
You’ve inspired me!!! I’m taking back control. Although it will take a little work, it won’t be onerous. I’m creating a new facebook account and pulling over all my content and friends. Once that’s all been moved over, I’ll delete my old account….and now I can be blocking HIM!!! Now I won’t have to worry about even the dim possibility that he might reach out to me via that avenue!!! Unless he makes the effort to do the same, if he figures it out. But for now, this will really free me.
What do you think? 😀
Oh absolutely Barbara. This is empowering – takes back your control of your life. It will probably feel good to block him anyway.
I really do think that you are the one who has had a lucky escape here – you sound like a lovely person who can do so much better….
And the other woman? ….. I would imagine that she is egotistical and bragging about what she has, and what she can give, having no clue that is exactly what he wants…… at least until he has cleaned her out and taken her for all that she is worth – and then….. he will be on the hunt for another victim, and so, the story continues.
One thing is, because this behaviour is so ingrained in their personality (likely since childhood) – it isn’t going to change. Sounds like, although it is hurting right now you have had an easy escape. Likely if she is source of supply for him, if she tries to leave she will suffer ruining, smear campaigns, attack on her work and employment, ruining towards family friends, her entire life –
Thank god it is not you?
Yes I know I’m lucky. One of the niggling wrinkles, though, is that she is no stranger to him. They dated all through high school. But, as they say, not my Narc, not my problem.
Thanks again! It’s so good to have a friend out there…even if you waaaaay over there! 😀
You are welcome. Yes those little things in our head can play tricks on us.
– They met in school – she knew him a long time ago – maybe he is ok?
– He knew her longer – he chose her over me – she is better
All of those little voices that you hear in your head. Stop – he hasn’t gone to this magical marriage where what she had was better than what you are. He just wanted what he could take.
Likely as she had more to take, he probably has played the card of
— you remember me from school
— I am just like you
— You can trust me
— I am just down on my luck – I will pay you back
Of course he won’t and his marriage will last for as long as she has something to give her, and he will keep taking like a drain, the only thing that she will get in return, is false empty promises – WORDS….
You can’t do much in life with words!!
One other thing…just a suggestion really. As much as I’ve been going through the web seeking information, it took me a while to find this site. I think you could reach more people if you included references to narcissism and NPD in your tags. The behavior is practically identical, so for our purposes, the distinction is nil. Thanks again…and you’ve got my vote!
Yes I will do, thank you! All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths! I will put that in my tags, thanks for the suggestion. There is a distinction in that sociopaths have no conscience, they don’t feel bad, don’t feel sorrow or remorse. Narcissists do feel, in fact they can feel a deep sense of shame about their actions. A sociopath however, feels nothing.
dumbme May 30, 3:50 pm
I cant stop reading your article..omg you knew her!!!!!!!!! Of course you describe all about her..and how I feel..and how Im feeling…crazy down.. coming to a grip that was 3 years was all lies..all she ever felt for me is nothing! is all lies..she does not exist! She told so many sad stories as a way to reach out for me when I try to leave her.. she would do things and say things she knew I would like to read.. and was all sex..she wanted everyday..and if not..if I was not into..oh I was like a old married boring couple ..and then came the put downs.. I was getting old..and blah blah..
Once I left her she told me some crazy story ..she was such a poor ting..such a victim!
Im so glad she is gone…if I can only never enter her yt to see her new love posts.. I hate me for doing it..I will win and not enter!!! But hey at least I gave her no reaction!
If they call you on your birthday what do you do??I never want to know from her again..loser!
Thanks so much thanks!!!
I need to write down how I feel so as to not fully lose my mind. I find myself going through bouts of anger, disbelief, immense sadness and then circling back to the beginning again. I can’t comprehend how someone that I had myself so convinced for years could do this to me. That it was all a lie. I meant nothing to him. I wish I didn’t know. I wish that I could have gone on in my pleasant ignorance and not know the truth about him. I had moved on with my life, and come to terms with the fact that although there was genuine love between us- we didn’t work out. I also spent the past 4 years blaming myself for these things. I thought that my alcohol addiction and the horrible decisions I made while in that state were the sole reason that he and I didn’t work out and I spent years trying to make up for that. No matter how many times he kicked me while I was already on the floor- I took it- convinced that this was a man who loved me but was just so hurt by my action 3 years prior. I still returned to this man time and time again. But something in me always had this core that told me I deserved more and that there was something very seriously wrong with this person mentally. Despite my complete lack of self respect I knew somewhere that despite what I had done in the past I was entitled to more from someone who claimed to love me. If what I had done was so unforgivable (my indiscretion while drunk, 1 month into our relationship, which I told him about immediately and apologized for and was sickened with myself and as a result got sober, finally) why not just part ways? Why continue to have a relationship with me, claim he understood me, only to use it against me every chance he could. I suppose in hindsight I should have listened to his actions rather than his empty words of love. He used me, conned me, and in the end threw me away without any shred of remorse. He loved me more than anything; I was his soul mate but…
• Changed his number after I had the abortion of our child- never phoned me to see if I was okay
• Moved out of our apartment after it flooded-leaving me to clean up the mess and find a new place to live-alone- as I begged him, sobbing for him not to abandon me this like, he told me it was my fault because I had “provoked” him and proceeded to move out 8 hours after the flood and go live with his parents
• Called me after a night of drinking right after I had the operation for my miscarriage of our child telling me I was a whore, cunt, liar who he never loved and ended the relationship. Only the next day to tell me I should “expect” this kind of behaviour once in a while because of my actions 2 years prior
• Cheated on me our entire relationship and lied and tortured me for my indiscretion years prior while in a black out drunk- which I was honest about- which I felt horribly about and still to this day do- but was cheating on me the entire time and I had no idea
• Lied about our relationship to everyone, lied to me about what we had, the intensity of it, how he actually felt about me
• Had me convinced that I was his soul mate- sought me out after I had FINALLY moved on with my life, only to lie, sneak around behind my back- tell people he wasn’t with me while I thought we were in a committed relationship and cheat on me like I didn’t exist
• Fled the country two days after we had spent an amazing weekend together, planning out our future, him telling me I’m the only woman he would ever have a child with, we should get married soon- without so much as a goodbye. Once confronted- told me it was my fault he fled the country because I was possessive
• Used me for financial and sexual gains
• Sent the same emails he sent to me professing his love to other women
• Has said the most soul crushingly evil things to me than anyone I have ever known only to laugh at me as I cried
• When I confronted him with all of these revelations, he told me I was a joke, and never meant anything to him. He changed his number and walked away like the past 4 years didn’t even exist
He preyed on my forgiveness and guilty conscience. I think he fundamentally knew I was a good, kind person who had addiction issues and never meant to hurt him and he used this against me. Told me I was immoral, disgusting and a piece of shit. If I hadn’t already thought so poorly of myself perhaps I would have had enough sense to walk away. I wish I had known years ago, that the man I thought I was falling in love with wasn’t capable of love. That he was a true definition of a narcissistic psychopath and anything I ever said or did to prove how much I loved him, wanted a future with him, was committed to him, was hurt by him was falling on deaf ears. He never once took responsibility for the ways in which he scarred me. He merely blamed me for every single one of our problems, arguments and many, many demises. He is a sick man who uses people as pawns- he used to talk to me about how everyone in his life only served a purpose and when they no longer served that purpose he would throw them away. I was so naive to think one day one of those people wouldn’t be me. I have witnessed this man do excruciatingly painful things to those around him, only to walk away unscathed and say, “Well, they deserved it anyway!”. I guess now the only option left for me is to pick up the pieces of these shattered illusions and move on with my life. I can’t sleep, I can barely eat. All I want is to know why? How could I love someone so much that was an absolute lie? But after reading a lot of information I understand that’s not possible. I don’t know how to grieve the loss of a person that never truly existed and find ways to heal my mind and figure out how to never allow such a sick individual into my life. I hope someday he finds the peace he so desperately needs but I doubt that. He will just find another victim and destroy their life too. If anyone can offer any words of advice on how to move forward exactly it would be greatly appreciated.
First of all you CANT change him. But you CAN change you!! Read my posts on healing and recovery.
You can’t worry about him – understand that it is something wrong in his brain – he will always be like this. It really is NO reflection on you, so forgive yourself.
He has likely done it before in the past, and will do it again in the future, there will be more victims in the future. Focus on what YOU CAN change, not on what you CANT!!! YOU!
Read my posts on healing and recovery and try to practice the exercises, it does work…. it takes time discipline – and focus – learn to love YOU – be your own best friend. Learn to forgive yourself. You are worth it!!
Today I write, I had always worked with people. I focus on how to move on – how to move forward – how to heal…. and you can!! You can find the beauty in you.
REMEMBER – all the HATRED he gave to you, was the HATRED he has for himself.
The love is a reflection of you. Write down all those hateful things he said – then burn it…. it doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to him!! Love yourself, forgive yourself!!
Thank you so much. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t find this site.
You are welcome. I write a lot about healing and recovery.
I have been there too. My daughter died at full term, stillbirth, her father left 6 days later. No empathy, remorse guilt or shame. Then after that I met a narcissistic psycho like the one that you described (that was hell) – and after that a charismatic sociopath.
Today I am happy – and the last one helped to heal all three of them!! 🙂
If I can do it – you can too!!! I promise!! Just realise that you have to go through the 5 stages of grief and the bereavement process (I wrote about it in recovery and healing section) – the final one is when you get to acceptance 🙂 You can do this too!!
I truly admire your strength and ability to get peace through the horrors you’ve experienced, and used it to help other people get through it.
I’m just wondering why these people come to us? Is there something wrong with me? The relationship I had before this was nothing to the extent that this one was, but he was pretty sociopathic in retrospect. Is there something about my personality that attracts these people to me? How do I protect myself against these people?
How long did it take for you to stop waking up in the middle of the night crying, and putting together the lies in your head and just feeling so emotionally destroyed?
Sorry I’m asking so many questions, this is just the first place where I’ve felt not alone and that someone understands how I feel.
Well for me it was a strange experience, the police kicked him out last summer. We stayed friends over that time until recently (and a lot of the time writing this blog) it was written often after he had done something (again)…… he knew I was writing. He read it too.
He was the third in a row.
So yes, they do prey on weaknesses. Of course being vulnerable, grieving, and I also had PTSD, and my life had smashed apart there was a lot to prey on. I grew stronger. Of course, I knew about his sociopathic behaviour. As I wrote about it, we talked about it.
In the end it became hard work for him, as I saw through the lies – and I grew tired of it. So we went our separate ways.
I did all the steps that I write about in healing and recovery. And it worked.
I realised I could never change him. But I could change me. So I worked on changing me instead of changing him – and it worked!!!
When you take focus back to YOU and away from the sociopath – establish no contact, just keep going…. it does get better with time! I promise!!
As I experienced so many in a row, I wrote an article – how to reduce the risk of meeting another sociopath.
Sociopath exploit weaknesses within you, and sell them back to you, as a solution ….. so you think you have met perfect man. The thing is to work on you!! not finding someone else to complete you, or heal you….
If I may…?
The question keep asking myself is, “What was it he gave me that I valued/needed so much that it blinded me to everything else?” In my case it was validation. In my journey, I’m working with a therapist to find the roots of that and doing EMDR therapy to deal with it (because knowledge just isn’t enough). If you’re curious, EMDR therapy was initially developed to treat people with PTSD, but it works for emotional and psychological trauma as well (even from childhood). I’m aslo finding Codependents Anonymous helpful because may of the behaviors associated with codependency make us vulnerable to these predators. I’m also using some self-hypnosis to reinforce positive beliefs about myself. That’s just me, but I think it fits with P-girl’s message of putting the focus on yourself. I’d like to think that if I learn to truly love myself, it will be far less difficult to put up my boundaries and walk away from unacceptable behavior (to heed the red flags). I hope you don’t mind my two cents. =)
I have to ask because although I have moments where I think I’m doing better… I feel an immense amount of guilt for the mean things I said once I found out all of this disgusting information about him.. Why DO I FEEL GUILTY?????? I feel like any other sane person would walk away and be done with it.. but I can’t stop going over every detail and feel concerned that maybe I hurt his feelings??? I know intellectually he has no feelings, and why should I care about someone who doesn’t give a flying fuck about me.. someone who emotionally manipulated me for years and did all of the awful things he’s done that I mentioned before.. but why.. why why why am I the one at the bitter end of this feeling guilty.. 😦 can anyone understand or relate to this?
Why are you caring if you hurt his feelings? If you did (which is doubtful)…. I would say that maybe that will teach him to treat people better in the future? … but…. well they don’t learn from past mistakes so probably that won’t happen.
He has manipulated you, you are not responsible for his feelings.
Hi, Birdie! I don’t know if this will help, but I got rid of whatever he had given me, whatever I had that I purchased with intentions for him and I even threw away my sheets and coverlet (the coverlet was getting ratty anyway). So now I sleep in a bed that he has never touched, my home is free of anything linked to him. I even did a cleansing ritual (you can really do anything that feels right to you). An excorsism can be empowering! But I agree with you…while it isn’t so great to see so many people who’ve been the targets of these creeps, it’s a huge relief to know that it WASN’T YOU!!! YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!! Amazing the way they mind-fu*k us, isn’t it? We’ve either all been through it or all going through it. I’m so grateful for the support I’ve found here. We’ll all make it through and come out on the other end stronger than before! I’m sending lovely, warm, healing thoughts your way. You’re not alone in this.
I love birdie’s appropriate line “a flying fuck” LOL! So appropriate, but I trust she’s has had some time to investigate some more about codependence and the mind’s initial response to make the victim feel all the guilt! Birdie, DON’T cave into the thoughts of guilt. It was something I read long ago, in another disfunctional relationship I was in. That is the thought, “You made me feel so wonderful”. Wait a minute. Look at that sentence. No can MAKE you feel one way or another. What that person does is ALLOW you feel whatever, because you allow it. You WANT to feel this way or that.
Hope this thought helps. Sometimes has helped, but then, a lot of times you have to just go with the crappy feelings for a while. They soon pass, just know that, and know that love is more powerful than this evil, and the people it has infected. Pity them, don’t feel guilty about being angry or mad. Like they say on here a bunch (and esp. in your case), they neither care nor can even comprehend. Time heals ALL wounds!
Hi Barbara,
I have been reading and healing since “positiva girl” started her blog. It has been four long years for me or trying to recover. The first year was tears… just tear… weight loss, and no one that I could talk to because it was an affair. I lost 30 lbs. The second year, I wish I could have cried more because the pains in my chest and my eyes… just utter sadness. Then he contacted me, and I have absolutely no lack of self esteem at all. I would listen and write like a friend. I would give him a clue that I wanted him back. In fact, I have to admit, I just wanted an explanation and my friend back. Since that time, he has thrown so many “I love yous” at me, become lewd, talks of sex, become crass, become loving, becomes normal… plain and simple… ALL OVER THE MAP! I just sat quietly by and listened and talked very normally… like myself. He would even say he couldn’t “read” me or figure me out. I started reading this blog, and he started to show his true self. I am done. Even the memories are leaving. I don’t even look at the places we use to go when I drive by anymore.
So why am I writing this to you? Tonight I am exhausted. I run my own business, and the hours are long (sun-up to sun-down). When I am extremely tired, that when I think of him. That is when I miss him… STILL. I don’t know why. I just do. I guess because it was the most perfect relationship I’ve ever had with a man, and that’s because the relationship was with me! LOL He was me. All me.
And that is why I miss him. When in our lifetimes do we meet someone so perfect! Never. But this is only tonight. Tomorrow, I will be fine and go about day not thinking about him. The times I don’t think of him far outweigh the times that I do.
Have faith. It will happen. I have asked God so many times why he would put someone like that in my life? I am a good person, and practice that goodness for the better part of my life. I don’t know why God thought I deserved to have someone like that in my life, but he did. There is a lesson here, and I am still trying to find it. I guess I will always love and miss him, or rather, I guess I will always love and miss me. He was just a hoax, and like all of us on here, that will always be such a hard pill to swallow… that none of it was real.
Please have faith that all will be good again some day. And I hope all of you reading this, have faith too!
Hi, Cindy123. I didn’t mean to imply that all targets have self-esteem issues, just that it’s my issue. But in a weird way, it’s comforting to know that they’re such good actors that they can even get to a woman who is sure of herself. I understand that they play on our goodness as well as our weaknesses. I’m coming to grips that I can’t miss someone who didn’t exist, even though I do. Uuuuggghhh!!! It just sucks.
Yes, that is the hardest part of all. You think about all the time spent with them, and you realize that you spent time with a ghost… a person that didn’t even exist. That is the hardest part for me too. So what do we do with those memories? We can’t all have lobotomies to erase them! hahaha So, they are there, and they don’t go away. I think of him and what we did together, and then oh my god… he wasn’t real! He was a fake, a phony… non-existent! That is the toughest for all of us.
But believe me when I tell you, they have no memories of us. They move right on without even thinking they had a past life. It is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen. Had it not been for this blog (thank you so much Nikki), I would have never realized what I was dealing with. Please remember, you are not alone. There are many out there like us.
One way that helped me to get over him besides the knowledge gained here: I would be doing something, then think of him, and right when the sadness hits me, I would say to myself (or out loud if no one was around), “OH F*** HIM!”, start laughing and keep on moving. I would keep on saying it over and over again, and sometimes it works. It keeps me focused on the task at hand.
I agree with everything you have said. It is a bitter pill indeed. It bothers me to learn more about sociopaths because it’s hard to accept that I was nothing to him and he felt absolutely nothing for me, yet I was so convinced that he did. I remember when it was over (and thank God is it over) I used to wonder if he ever thought of me, what we had, what could have been. Then to learn that you mean so little to them, they don’t even bother with your memory. That stings like nobody’s business. You had all this love you were willing to give them, and they not only did not deserve it, but did not appreciate or value it because they are incapable being in love. I was in a low place in my life and he saw straight threw that, but I have to admit…I probably made it easy for him, unbeknownst what I was really dealing with. I just wanted and needed someone in my life at the time. What timing, huh?
The thing that bothers me the most, is a lot of people have told me, “Well karma will catch up to him” but the reality is, it won’t. Not in the sense where we want it to at least. I wanted him to feel my pain that he caused. I wanted him to miss me. I wanted him to yearn for my touch like I did his. I wanted him to know that he messed up with me, royally. I wanted him to feel bad about it. I wanted him to cry over me just a fraction of what I did for him. But that will never happen. He in incapable of feeling remorse, pain, heart break, empathy and compassion. While you’re sitting there trying to put together the pieces, he’s already on to another victim. How could he? Doesn’t he think about me when he’s doing these things? Nope. Not.A.Chance
But isn’t that the karma? He will never know love like I do. He will never know what it’s like to be loved or to love in return; he will never feel it. If you have it right, it’s the best. His lack of knowledge on emotions is his curse.
Sociopaths are very self-destructive. So he may find other victims, but it’s just going to have the same outcome time and time again until eventually it catches up to them.
Time + reading more about sociopaths have helped me come to terms with what I’ve been through. I still struggle with the “whys” but I keep saying, “I know it is a lesson I needed to learn, I don’t know why I had to learn that way but I did”.
Thank you. To both of you. The amount of information and kindness I’ve received here makes me want to cry. It’s so good to know I don’t have to suffer through this alone. Last night I collected every bullshit letter, photo, article of clothing and anything he ever gave me and I ripped it up and threw it out. It felt really liberating. It’s hard to let this go but I know you’re right that I need to focus on me and not him. I am going to take all the advice here and stay single for a long time so I can get to know myself, heal and never ignore the red flags ever again and hopefully not attract someone like him and if I do know enough about the likes of him and run for the hills. Again, thank you so much for your kindness and support. It has made such a big difference for me.
Oh, I’m so glad that made you feel better! I’ve been doing things to take back control and power…not to have control over him, but to control MY life! Everything I do for me rebuilds me. And we can do what they can’t – we can beat our demons and not remain enslaved to them! Hugs to you!
Getting rid of his things is a huge step Birdie, well done!! It means that you have truly accepted that this is over. You don’t want him back, and neither do you want to be a part of him anymore!! Well done you!! 🙂
Hard to tell if I am just grasping for straws to make sense of this recent case. But, cant help but notice that a lot of things line up.
– One thing in particular, over the last few months since we have seen each other, whether we be at my house or at dinner, I would catch him staring at me. Intensely. With a slight smile on his face. Not necessarily a look of wonder. But just a solid look. And when I would fidget or get uncomfortable or ask why, he would just tell me he liked looking at me. This has happened more times than I can count. Flattering? Or predatory..
– Made me feel like his princess. As if he has been wanting to be with me for years. Like he has been waiting for me to come back into his life for years (we have had constant falling out after falling out. This time, claims he is not ready to lose me from his life. Promise after promise. Catch him telling his wife, who he refers to as his room mate, that he is ending things with me. Never “ended” things with me.
– Would consistently tell me he wouldnt make decisions to take me out of his life, and then make me feel crazy when he told me he couldnt guarantee that he was going to actually get divorced and leave his wife. She’s the one that eventually filed – he didnt.
– Would start leaving clothes, toiletries, etc at my place when we first started seeing each other and made comments about moving in for a short while during his separataion. When I made comments about him taking his space to do things the right way for himself, he told me I abandoned him, was a terrible, cold calloused person, even though my reputation and name was at stake for being involved.
– Initially told me how proud of me he was for all of my accomplishments, would look and talk to me with awe at how spiritually evolved I was and ask me to help him grow, learn, etc as a person. And then throw those same things he loved about me in my face, mocking my success, mocking my life. Twisting around my belief system to making me feel crazy. Has called me a hypocrite at least once or twice a week, saying that we are “exactly the same people”.
– Talked me into giving him my house/car keys while I was away on holiday to watch my belongings, and then would threaten to destroy my things while i was gone. Wouldnt talk to me during my holiday and told me how much it hurts that I am gone and would leave him during this time – even though I needed space to heal and take care of myself during all the craziness.
– Told me he can sympathize with my ex with A-Z of how “terrible” I am to him. Yet, not “terrible” enough to let me go?
– Has a history of fraud and illegally getting money, for acts he still hasnt disclosed to me.
– Openly told me of other affairs he has had on his fiance at the time, now ex wife. When I asked him if he had boundaries and how he justified that to himself he simply said he “never thought of it as a situation that needed to be justified”.
– Countless times told me to stop questioning his means for getting a divorce, even though he was still in constant communication with his ex. Told me just to blindly trust and has more than once said “you either trust me or you dont”. I have pushed down gut feelings and just decided I would “trust” him even though i was having severe visceral gut reactions to this. It’s almost like my body knew.
– During years where we were not in contact (this has all gone back and fourth for years), he would show up at my work unannounced and unexplained. Almost to get a reaction?
– Says we have this divine spiritual connection and are destined to be connected in this lifetime, whether physically or not, and that nothing I do can take away his unconditional love for me – even though he treats me like garbage and talks to me like garbage. Unconditional love?
– Has mocked or scolded me for talking to my friends about him/us/ this situation. Has backed me into a corner and basically told me that no one at all needs to know what we are going through right now. Will not meet my friends. We only go out in public by ourselves.
– Has told me that he only wants to be with me and when I catch him red handed messing around or talking to other women, he will make up some excuse as to him “Just using them in the past” (as if that is supposed to be okay??) and that they mean nothing to him…probably the exact same thing he told his (now) ex wife about me?
– Put the ball back in my court, called me a hypocrite for not being able to “accept his past” (even though its clearly still his present life choices) and that he has “nothing left in him” and “has loved me all these years” and “If i cant see it, you are cold and calloused person”…..Oh, I didnt know sticking up for myself and walking away was “cold” and “calloused”.
– Has openly cried in front of me, explaining how much pain he is in for the life decisions he has made and how he wants to change and cant believe what a loving, beautiful, giving person I am…and weeks later, flips a switch and mocks me. Doesn’t follow through with the self development commitments i encouraged him to try.
– Takes me out to lavish events, lavish dinners, planning vacation after vacation that never seem to happen.
– When I am my usual strong, independent self, he gets quiet, uncomfortable and pulls away telling me things like “clearly the people we are just don’t work together” and puts it back on me for “not being flexible” and “not being willing to change for anyone” when it comes to my goals, aspirations, dreams, etc.
– When he told me it was over, once, I stood up in a fit of emotion, crying, throwing things, as he sat there motionless and still on the couch. Even as I am sitting there crying, falling apart, had no support to offer, no hug, no wonder, nothing..just wrapped it up by saying “we dont have to figure this out right now…” and again asked me to come over later that night, as if nothing ever happened. As if he didnt just rip my heart out. But he is the good guy “just trying to spend time with me” and “why wont I let him be close to me”
– Has a history for violence and a fascination with guns. Has worked on and off over seas in the middle ease on contracts. No stable job. Always acquires money in shady ways.
Like I said. I cant tell if I am just dealing with an insecure dirt bag or an actual sociopath.
Oh my God, girl! SOCIOPATH!!! READ, READ, READ and then read some more about sociopaths (and narcissists). This is classic behavior. Funny you mentioned the gun thing. I didn’t know that this was one of the signs until I read about it. The N I had been involved with apparently had this same fascination…to the point that he was harrassing the police station to obtain the gun his then brother-in-law used to kill himself! How twisted is that? Your body knows, but they lovebomb us to cause confusion (it’s also called “hoovering” – to suck you back in). Emotions are powerful and they use this powerful means to overwhelm our gut responses. Making you feel (at least for a time) that they are treating you like a princess (same schpiel I got – along with lots of plans that never came to fruition), is how they make you feel so “special” and “different”.
Whether he is a true sociopath or a narcissist, they operate in exactly the same way. The only difference between the two, that I can gather, is that while the sociopathic range of emotion is limited to rage and fear, narcissists add shame into the mix. Since these a$$wipes are masters, not only of manipulation, but of mimicing emotions, you’ll probably never be able to tell, and it doesn’t really make a difference. From what you’ve described, he’s given you all the information you need to come to a conclusion.
I’ll venture to say that I think visitors to this site would agree with me that it’s time for No Contact. And change your locks!
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. By keeping you off balance, they maintain control and make you feel crazy, make you doubt yourself. You already know what you’re dealing with. From what you’ve said, I’m more than happy to offer you the validation that YOUR GUT IS ON THE MARK..
I know I experienced my own shame in having been taken in in the first place. Know this: they are master con-men, and a master can take in ANYONE. Congratulate yourself for seeing it! Be proud of yourself for resisting the practiacally hypnotic lure! They really do cast a spell, and it’s one you can purge. It’s painful, but you can reclaim your own power and reclaim yourself. You want a healthy, happy relationship…we’ve all got issues to deal with, but your body, your INSTINCT KNOWS when issues are beyond the norm – normal people with normal issues are, at least, CONSISTENT. Your boy is sounds consistently inconsistent (to keep you off balance). So (my two cents here), I suggest that you envision what a happy, HEALTHY relationship looks like and compare it to what you’re dealing with. How does it stack up? You know you deserve better.
You sound like you’ve got the knowledge and the STRENGTH to pull this vampire’s teeth out of you. They stick them in DEEP. It is a painful struggle, but, if you so choose, you can do it!
IT IS NOT YOU. IT’S HIM!!! Brava for seeing it and for reaching out. This is a very healthy step and is a good sign of your strength to overcome this.
I appreciate the validation, although I am realizing it comes to a point where it is unnecessary and he needs to leave my experience, no matter “what” he is…all signs are pretty clear though.
I have gone through this time and time again with him, and for some reason it feels different this time around. I literally feel nothing. I literally have nothing left to say. I literally do not have the urge for closure, or to be heard or understood by him anymore. I don’t know if I just don’t have anything left in me? or if i just know better at this point. It is a strange calmness. I don’t cry anymore. I don’t have trouble sleeping. I don’t miss him laying next to me.
I started noticing a few weeks ago, when I actually would spend time away from him, like on my 10 day holiday, i could actually breathe. I physically could breathe and felt GOOD. I didn’t notice this feeling until I wasn’t around him. When I was with him, it was me constantly walking on egg shells to be careful what to say…for instance, what cutting remark is he going to throw at me this time when I talk about my job? my friends? the places i want to go? But always sweeten it up later with a comment about how we would do those wonderful things.
The no contact plan is in place. But i cant stop the dreams. I just woke up from a nightmare about him, once again, which I cant seem to get away from. In the nightmare, he was getting back with his ex wife, and I told him that it was over between us, not to tlak to me etc. And regardless of the empty promises of us being together etc, he threw in my face (in my dream) that “its good to see that you will bail on me”…once again throwing it in my face that I am a “terrible, cold person”. Granted, this was only a dream, but so accurate. Woke up feeling like garbage.
On the note of gut reactions, there were weeks where i couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me….went to the docs…took pregnancy tests…but would physically get sick for weeks at random spots of the day. My energy was completely off.
While i was on 10 day holiday, i technically didnt have a flight home at all yet, which drove him crazy. He literally would email me, text me, bombard my phone with negativity, snide comments, and then switch to “please dont talk to me until you are home – it hurts too much”..never once just being happy for me to be able to take care of myself and get away from all the drama going on around us.
Is it normal to not feel anything at all anymore? I don’t even know how to categorize it. Yes, i am physically drained and sleeping a lot. But my diet, exercise and energy are completely off. When he DOES contact me, i feel nothing. My heart doesn’t race. He asks to see me, and where as i would be running to get my shoes before, i literally feel indifferent. I feel nothing. I cant look at him in the same light anymore. I have friends upset with me about being in this mess again, and parents that dont want to hear about it anymore. But I literally cant feel anything.
Will i feel anything, for anything else or anyone ever again? I know that sounds really dramatic when I write it out and look at it, but it is a legitimate concern of mine. Jaded is an understatement. I wish I had more in me to give at this point, but I just dont. It is a really strange feeling of disconnect…and I am concerned that I wont be able to feel anything else, ever again.
Yes i think so. After a while, you just have had enough. How much can you take?
Its the circle, going round and round in a circle, you grow tired of your own life not moving forward. Yes you will be able to feel again, remember that you are the one with the ability to love and to feel.
When someone lies to you – deceives you, hurts you and lets you down, how many times can you go through that, until eventually you stop believing.
Love – is not only how YOU feel, but also how someone else makes you feel about you. You come to a point when you feel better about yourself without them in your life. Who wants to be put down all the time, lied to, stolen from? Disrespected?
Going into yourself is part of healing and recovery. Its also about feeling numb. To protect yourself, you can become numb to it…. feeling nothing is a good place to be. It doesn’t mean that you will feel nothing for nobody else. Just that he has taken all the love you had for him away…. you see the truth, and you know that this will never get better…. and you have made the choice not to deal with this anymore. You are sick and tired of it….
Hi, Gaslighted. I’m not a trained counsellor, or anything, but it sure sounds to me like you’re depressed…and understandably so. It’s hard when your support network doesn’t give you the support you need – it’s pretty much impossible to understand what it’s like to be involved with one of these guys unless you’ve been through it yourself. I like to think of this site as a virtual support group.
Nikki has a section here about the five stages of grief that you might find useful (and I think you’ll see that echoed across many websites that discuss this particular issue). Depression is one of those stages.
I would say that you WILL feel again. I’ve been through that phase of detachment (I was on and off with someone for 8 years who was just under the threshhold of sociopath/narcissist) – seems like you’re processing all of this in the only way your body and your psyche knows how to handle it right now without being overwhelmed – through your dreams. Your detachment seems like a defense mechanism to give your head and heart some room to process. I say that that’s ok. Self-care is really tough when you feel this way (I’ve been battling depression my entire life). Give yourself room and permission to just be in your process right now. I think it’s ok to just let yourself be where you are, as long as you are not abdicating yourself to it, but do try to do just one thing that’s just for you…one step at a time. I’ve found therapy to be extremely helpful. Someone who is trained in techniques to heal PTSD (because, let’s face it, the damage they do IS TRAUMATIC), would probably be really helpful to you in coping. Most therapists will work with you if finances are tight, because they want to help, so if that’s a concern, I’d suggest trying to move towards that.
You are recovering. You WILL recover.
I hope that’s helpful to you…if nothing else, just know that there’s nothing wrong with you…anyone who visits this site, I think, would agree.
Thanks for your supportive comment Barbara!! 🙂
i think the biggest difference that sets apart sociopath/psychopath and everyone else (including narcissists) is their lack of conscience.
Sociopaths don’t have a conscience. Narcissists do. But they think they are better than everyone else. Sociopaths don’t exerience shame. Narcissists do. In fact Narcissists can feel deep shame.
The sociopath/psychopath brain is wired differently. the part in the brain which has a conscience, moral compass, empathy is missing. its not because they are being deliberately cruel – its just the way that they are. They can’t think of anyone elses needs apart from their own. So to hide this, they are very charismatic and charming, and pretend to be thinking of others….. there similarity between a distempered psycho and a narcissist. the sociopath will feel shame, does have a conscience, the narcissist does not.
I am responding to you because I have felt that exact numbness before. The type of emotionless indifference that can make you feel like you are dead inside. It is a defense mechanism and is usually brought on subconsciously which unfortunately means you have no control over it. I remember when my ex and I broke up and all I wanted to do was feel something. I actually went to the ocean in the dead of winter and screamed my heart out. Hoping to wake myself up( it didnt work). Eventually though it turned off by itself and my emotions and feelings did come back. This has happened a few times in my life. Its a very traumatizing process because you are mentally aware that you should be reacting to things emotionally but your body just wont respond. I determined that I would rather be really sad than feeling nothing at all.
The indifference though towards your ex may simply imply that you’re over him. When you no longer need closure and when you realize that being alone is actually preferable that indifference makes sense. My socipathic ex and I were constantly breaking up and getting back together. Finally though I’d had enough. I didnt want to do it in person. I just wanted it to be done with.
Ditto on those feelings Lindz, glad we are free finally. ‘Brand New Me’ Alicia Keys…have a listen or get a copy of the lyrics…so true for us all ;0)
Be happy always 🙂
PR
I was going to post this morining anyway, but I’ve been wondering to myself how I got into this in the first place…I’ve a long pattern of getting involved with guys who don’t treat me well. The N I was involved with (and had a lucky escape from), was merely the most exaggerated version of this pattern. It made me think. As I’ve been going through therapy, I am continuously struck by the parallels of the issues he triggered in me and those I have with my own father. Probably not surprising, since they are exceptionally good at assessing the weaknesses of their victims in order to exploit them to get their supply. I’ve been susceptible because I haven’t resolved these issues…but am rapidly doing so. Some very enlightening conversations with my mom. They say you marry a guy either very like or very opposite of your father. Unfortunately for me, my father, while probably not a sociopath or narcissist, was, at least, self-absorbed and self-centered. The N pulled me in by making me the focus, by flooding me with attention and validation – what’s a girl who was neglected by her dad going to do with that? Get taken. But the joke is on him. I’m using this experience to finally tackle the worst of my demons (demons I wasn’t fully aware of), and am confident that I will emerge as a strong, whole person who has learned to love herself – something he will never be able to do. I will be whole, he will always be an empty shell. THAT, imho, is the BEST and ONLY true revenge. No, revenge is not the most flattering motivation, so let me rephrase: it is the best way to set the scales back in balance, and the best victory. To my Narcissist: Fu@k you.
I do agree that there has to be a difference between a dirt bag, narcissist and a sociopath..which is what I have been trying to cope with.
The main red flags came about when I spoke to him about his previous affairs and having no remorse what so ever for his then fiance, now ex wife. He had no justification like “I was unhappy..I was lonely…she never treated me right” etc. Again, he said he felt no need to justify it and sort of just “compartmentalized” it into a different place of his life.
I heard the same indifference when he told me how he “used” this other girl I caught him talking to and that “she meant nothing to him”. Knowing very well what those conversations were about, because I had been on the other side of them for years.
Since we have stopped most contact (a text here or there), he has not tried to “Get me back”, has not reached out to me what so ever, and anytime I would say “You have hurt me” he would say “I know exactly how you feel …” and then list all the ways I must have hurt him too. Very confusing, and I forgot that I was still actually hurt by him because I am too busy defending myself for misunderstandings or misdirections.
And, although I cant begin to comprehend all the stages of grief for going through a divorce, it seems as though there are none on his end. Maybe he doesnt show me? But doesnt even indicate that he needs time/space to heal etc. When it all came to a head, he simply said “I wanted this to happen, now I can finally be happy”. Also, made a comment about how his ex wife commented about how calm and indifferent he was to the whole thing. Again, everyone deals with things differently, but I havent so much as seen a remotely questionable bad day on his end since all of that occurred.
If sociopaths are incapable of feeling certain things, does that mean he wont miss me? He wont wish I was still around? I do miss his laugh and his smile sometimes…Does he miss mine? I know it doesnt necessarily change things or matter. I just wonder how they process things, or if I really am that disposable.
It’s hard to imagine I will ever feel a love that strong again. I know it was all calculated, manipulated etc…but it still was the strongest, most intense connection and love I have ever experienced. Amazing sex, amazing laughter, amazing times together. Whether thats fake or not, how do you top it? How do you not compare the next person you are with to them? That has been the trap I have been stuck in for years…when I do walk away, and we cut ties for years, I am left comparing my feelings for others to my intense feelings for him…and I told myself this last time “I need to feel this for someone, whether its him or not”. Making everyone else seem sub-par in comparison.
Not only did i “lose” him, or my image of him, but I lost my ability to see everyone else as just as good, without the passion, drama, confusion and turmoil. Unhealthy? Absolutely…So jaded by this whole thing. I know I need a healthy relationship…It is going to be hard to see anything as exciting though. I dont want to spend the rest of my life comparing everyone to him and what I felt for that short amount of time. It was a feeling not of this earth.
Maybe I am depressed, or maybe I am just done. I dont know. I have 0 energy to explain myself to him and although we have established the “no contact” for 95% of it, I dont even have it in me to “end it”. I wrote him a long letter the last time (a few years ago) explaining myself and how much I loved him, but couldnt do it anymore…I emailed it to him, and his only response to me gutting myself in a letter was “hah! this actually showed up in my junk mail folder…”…that was it. He had nothing to say about anything else.
So, do I need to go through that again with him to know he feels nothing? No. If anything, I am slightly enjoying leaving him hanging, like he has left me hanging for years. Is that terrible? If I thought it was actually hurting him or effecting him maybe I would feel differently….just cant help but feel its not even worth the due diligence anymore to “do the right thing” and “handle it with integrity”. Where was the integrity when he decided he “needed” me during this dark time of his life and to run me through the mud? There was no “doing the right thing”…it was just doing what he wanted at the time.
I have been reduced to questioning myself, questioning my beliefs, questioning what i want in life. Its a numbing, unfamiliar feeling. I cant wait to feel again.
I am quite a spiritual person, and I think that this time, can make us look deep inside of ourselves (or it did me anyway). Looking back now, i wonder how on earth did I get through all of that? But I did….
Numbing is a good feeling — its a time for personal reflection.
Perhaps you are learning – that you can never change the sociopath – but you can change you!!
What can you do, when there is NOTHING you can do to change it? You can’t change him, so you can’t change the situation – it would just be more heartache in the future – But you can change you!!
I can relate to your spirituality. I am big into mediation and yoga, which has helped take the edge off quite a bit. I still have bouts during my practice where I well up with tears or feel a release coming on. Mostly for the lack of love and compassion/forgiveness I have shown myself in all of this. Which, I am working on more than I am working on understanding him and how he works.
You are right, I can only change myself and help myself. I am excited for the growth that will occur during all of this, but not necessarily looking forward to the pain of it. Is there a button you can push to just get over that part? Wish it was that easy.
So, I know this question sounds ridiculous and I have asked it a million times…but…he wont change, right? He will hurt me in the future, too, right? Moving on from this and letting it go is the right thing for me, right?…Seems stupid that I even have to ask at this point, but I think all of us on this site are looking for answers…and part of looking for answers is looking for hope too, that we all didn’t experience what we really did, and that its just a giant misunderstanding. Sometimes we all need to hear a million different ways about how there is nothing there and wont ever be anymore. Part of moving on, I suppose?
Ah, you know I WANTED a fast forward button. Just to have gotten through it. The truth is NO he won’t change. Yes he will hurt you in the future.
I know it is scary to let go…. but the more you let go of him, the more energy you have to love you, and focus on your own self and your own needs.
From my personal experience looking back (I dated more than one in a row) one very narcissistic (distempered) another very charismatic. I thought omg this can’t keep happening…..
I got through it. You know I am stronger now than I ever have been. I feel a sense of peace within myself. I am glad that I have been through it, for all that I have learned. I wouldn’t want to go back to the person that I was before It all happened.
It is absolutely normal to look for answers. I started writing here – as there were things that I really had to know when it happened to me. I am going to put it into a book. As I think it helps to know, it is not just you…..
Don’t be afraid to let go…. socio’s often come back anyway (if they get the chance and have no other source for supply)….. so there is nothing to fear.
What awaits you is a beautiful new life. Yes you might have faced losses, but with that big empty canvas you can start to paint your own picture – your life – your way!!!
Take it small…. take it one day at a time, and watch yourself grow!! 🙂 Love yourself, and treat yourself as your own best friend.
Know you are not alone either. As you read this, there are more than a 1,000 people also reading too. Also feeling the same way – having to make that transition too. That is what it is – a transition.
Its either – repeat the same thing over – or start to paint a new picture on that blank canvas!!
Gaslighted…when I read this part of your post:
“It’s hard to imagine I will ever feel a love that strong again. I know it was all calculated, manipulated etc…but it still was the strongest, most intense connection and love I have ever experienced. Amazing sex, amazing laughter, amazing times together. Whether thats fake or not, how do you top it?”
I found this:
“a tidal wave of euphoria that sweeps away every negative thought in my head. I’ve never felt so alive, so hopeful — and I’ve never felt such energy.”
Does that pretty much describe it? Does a pretty good job for me.
The quote is from Andre Agassi describing what it’s like to be high on crystal meth.
I think the rush from the predator is no less addictive and coping with it requires, I think, similar processing mechanisms.
yes, that is absolutely accurate. Its like, I remember telling all my friends and family when it started “I know how this is going to end, but i dont care. I know better, but i dont care, I need to feel this.” Completely addicting.
The coping and withdrawls are definitely similar…although I am starting to feel lighter, cleaner, more at peace, more loving, more attentive to others. More eye contact to others.
I think what hurts my pride the most is knowing that I wasnt the only one, after all this time. You know? Everyone wants to be validated and feel that special. Just wasnt that way, I suppose. Especially considering the “no contact” rule seems to not effect him what so ever.
I say, who gives a flying rat fart about him? This is about YOU! =)
Thank you, thank you, thank you. To everyone. It is an amazing feeling to not feel crazy or alone in all of this. I am amazed at the amount of followers in such a short amount of time. What a huge contribution you are to this life and all of us (including you) going through this process. Amazing. Thank you.
Hi, GL….wanted to see how you were doing. You’re in the toughest part right now. It gets better. I keep feeling like I want to send a letter or a text or something to let him know that I know what he is, to unleash my anger and to cause him shame (he’s a narcissist, not a sociopath). But then I remember that ANY attention is narcissistic supply, and that the best “revenge” against someone like that is to erase them.
You are right Barbara. Any attention is narcissistic supply (to the Narcissist) – he would simply think (to himself) ah look she is obsessed with me, and will likely tell other people too.
* Initially hid the fact that he was married.
* Flirted with me shamelessly and openly.
* Told me his wife was insulting, belittling, critical, etc. I felt sorry for him.
* He said he was looking for someone else. I pursued me and I fell in love with him.
* Toyed with me for flirtation and sex for as long as he felt he needed it.
* Never truly cared about anything more than the sex.
* Made excuses to come hang at my house so that he could get massages from me. Pretending to do me favours by fixing the broken stuff around the house so I would “re-pay” him with sex.
* Told me I’m stupid if I think our relationship is anything other than fooling around.
* Regularly called me “bitch”.
* Told me to just suck it up if I needed his support somehow.
* Made me keep quiet about all our talks lest he gets in trouble with his wife.
* Pressured me for the sex; I often felt anxious and reluctant, but he groomed me about how normal it was to send him naked photos with me doing all kinds of lewd things.
* Stopped the sexual part because he said he wanted to live a burden-free life; then had sex with me again, anyway, and forbade me to talk about it.
* Made all kinds of promises about teaching me about his line of work, and it’s not happening.
* Made me promise to stand by him for life while now he’s backing off.
* Never apologizes or shows remorse.
* I had a painful operation during which he displayed no sympathy or concern.
* Major victim complex about how women have hurt him after he was “a true gentleman”.
* Withholding emotional support now that I really need it.
* Blowing me off for work, ignores me, doesn’t care about what’s going on in my life.
* I’m scared he might insult me and just shun me if I talk to him.
* Can be very fun and cute and interesting to lure you in, grandiose statements about how hot he is. Empty promises about visits, breaks promises.
* Martyr complex about how he’s always helping others and they just use him.
literally, bullet point for bullet point, sounds like my dude. hmm.
Hi Barbara! Thanks for checking up…I have been doing okay. Like I said in my post before, I strangely feel nothing. And I am not sure if that is because I have felt so strongly for so long towards him that I just now dont feel anything anymore??
At the end of one of these blog posts, I read it perfectly…it said “It’s like realizing santa isnt real anymore…” And, thats how I feel. It isnt fun anymore. Santa isnt real. And as much as I wish I didnt know santa wast real, so I could go back to that innocence and excitement, nothing will ever take me back there. I feel a large exhale and strange release with that thought. There is the sadness of loss and grief for the passing of an “idea”, so to speak…and the unfamiliar recognition that I have no clue at all who he is, but to feel anything at all towards him as a person? I am still at a loss.
I havent found any words that I want to say to him. Again, its like yelling at santa for being fake. Santa knew he was fake. I just believed it. So, jokes on me? I really dont know.
I have established no contact for a majority of it, but there have been one or two texts exchanged over the last 10 days. Mostly I respond with one or two word phraises, dismissing whatever it is that he is proposing. Last week, he was asking if I felt like getting together. Still no apology or indication that he wanted to apologize to me. So, since he falls under the category of someone i wouldnt want to piss off with his violent potential and ability to get away with literally murder based on his security clearance with the government and access to information, I keep it simple and amicable.
So, at that time, I tell him I dont know if I want to get together, but would let him know if/when I did. I dont want to get together, but i also dont want to come right out and tell him that ether. Then messages are exchanged about how much I mean to him, and if I cant realize than he has nothing left etc. Still no apology or explanation for girl “C” in the picture.
There has not been the usual display of “I miss you” (he said it once or twice) or “I love you” or the begging calls or texts to see me, talk to me, explain himself etc. I have dated plenty of guys where if this is the direction a relationship goes, naturally, we all grasp at straws to make sure it doesnt end, or so we try anyway.
In this case, there has been little to no attempt to patch anything up at all. I am left with “If thats what you think, than it is what it is” type comments and no real urge or desire to change things. I received a text tonight that said “Just so you know, no hard feelings about anything”……And the text has left me completely confused, lost, frustrated etc.
Hard feelings towards what??? Frustrates me so much to even read that. I wasnt the one caught lying or cheating. Im the one affected by it. How could you have hard feelings towards ME? Is this a good example of gaslighting? Confusing the hell out of me to make me think that I was the irrational or crazy one for reacting so strongly when I found out?
Makes no sense. I also thought maybe this is a ploy for control since maybe he senses I have been pulling away to end things for good. We haven’t seen each other since I caught him (over a week) and have scarcely talked. So, I am not sure if his whole tone changed to match mine and my intentions? Or if he truly would classify the whirlwind we just went through a situation as easy as saying “no hard feelings, have a nice life”.
And based on the length of this response/post, I can tell that I have clearly put way more thought into his simple, manipulative response, which is probably exactly what he hoped for….sheesh. Cant get away from it, even when I am getting away from it.
P.S….Positivagirl…I have noted more than once you saying you are highly spiritual person, as am I. Not in a religions sense, but in an energetic, chakra, meditation, yogic, clearing type way. Is this at all the basis you use to connect spiritually? If so, besides energy clearings and meditations, do you have any recommendations? I have been practicing gratitude/manifesting/delegations (as suggested in your recovery list) for the last 2 years each and every morning, so I feel like I am ready to ramp up the spiritual evolution process, especially considering this recent chapter coming to an end. I keep asking to be open to all I need to learn from all of this, for myself and for my future…
Doesn’t it just drive you batsh*t that the thing you want most is to STOP thinking about him and you just can’t? Urrrgggg!!! I say, yes, he’s trying different strategies to rope you back in. Remember…any attention is supply, but I understand your reasons for playing it cool. After hearing stories about how the guy I was entangled by would stand outside of his ex wife’s home and glare at it, I decided to not piss him off…nothing constructive can come from that.
I’ve been processing for a bit (and I’m finding EMDR therapy to be quite useful), but I’ve also been listening to some self-hypnosis. I’ve been using one called “Getting Over a Broken Relationship” by Rosanna Leaton. Now, while this title is a vast understatement, I’ve been finding it to be useful to help me move on.
I can’t help but respond to your spiritual question as well. Not sure you would find this your cup of tea, but I dipped back into my old Wicca practice and ran some banishing spells. Whether they work or not, sending those intentions in the universe couldn’t hurt, right? If you’re interested, I can point you in a direction, but there’s lots out there to help you develop whatever kind of ritual feels right to you. I also burn white sage pretty constantly. Not the BEST smell, but I kind of like it, and white sage is said to be a very good cleanser.
HI GL I am glad that the Santa analogy helped you!, You can at least know that if Santa isn’t real YOU and YOUR feelings are real (and normal) as I felt that way too.
In terms of spiritual. If he came into my mind, I would shut his energy out and do something else. That stops him from linking in with me. I continued to do meditation which helps keep me centred. I worked hard on ME, that was difficult for me to do, tried to take focus away from
Thanks all. I really was feeling good, complete, solid with everything going on. He would try to send little sentimental text here or there and they literally rolled off my back, like, santa isnt real, this is all fun and games, it can be over now. I wouldnt really think much about it and it actually felt great. But, as soon as he sent me the text about “no hard feelings”, its almost as if his mass indifference, or casualness just pisses me off because the last few months have been anything but that. After telling me, he cant lose me again, he cant go through another falling out with me, he cant not have me in his life again…it suddenly shifts to “no hard feelings!”. No idea where his head is at with that one, but its obviously a completely different approach than whatever he was using before. Unless he is just matching and mirroring my non-chalance as well?
Any attention at all is supply. I like that. Something I need to become aware of . As much as it makes me sick he obviously has multiple sources of supply, i cant get around the fact that I am “just another”. Amazing how someone can become so engrained in your experience and then just drop off the map.
In a spiritual, “Me”, sense, I will give it all a try. I have been noticing that on top of not really “feeling” any massive sadness or anger, I have just been feeling numb. And sleeping a lot. I have been going to work, and then doing some cooking or cleaning, as well as going outside to enjoy the weather or get exercise. I have definitely been making myself go the extra inch beyond what I feel like doing. But damn it, sometimes i just feel like sleeping and laying down. Can I do that? Is it okay to take this time and space without dropping off into complete void? Im confused why things arent hurting me or devastating me like they have in the past, although I am completely 100% okay with that. In years past, when we would get to this point, I would literally be crippled with pain and unable to function without some sort of depressant in my system. So incredibly unhealthy, but the pain was literally unbearable without it. Of course, never heard from him or his pain during that time – he just disappeared. But now? Like I keep saying, I dont feel anything close to that. Disappointment? Sure. But it literally is like “no hard feelings” even if it is bulls*it that he is saying it too. Of course, it just stings worse when I hear it from him instead of me being able to be in that place. Bothers me that I even care what place he is in with his process. I just want to make sure the numbness and indifference is normal at some point in this process.
One thing that was prominent in our relationship was a clear, energetic and spiritual connection. Sure, maybe some of this was fabricated to get closer to me, but the energetic connection, at least on my end, I absolutely could FEEL things in him and about him without him even being around. For instance, I could FEEL when he was about to come back in my life, because he would show up in my awareness (or vise versa?). I could FEEL when he was arguing with his wife, because I would get strong bouts of anxiety and not understand why…So, now that we are physically separated, can he feel where I am at in this process? Not in an emotional/psychological sense, but in an energetic sense (since we are all composed and made up of energy). Or, I just had this thought…is my numbness and calmness related to me feeling what he is feeling in this process too? I strongly believe in energetic connections and energies being intertwined. Almost as if he felt me clear all of his things out of my flat two nights ago, because thats when he texted me.
Hope all that doesnt sound too far out there…But the question about energy is essentially…although my intention is to sever the energetic cord, can he feel where i am at and can I feel where he is at in all this? I guess the most important thing is to guard my energy and align with higher conscious beings no matter what, but I am curious as to how all this is being experienced energetically, whether shared or separate.
Also, I had a dream last night that I was hanging out and friends with his wife. Which, she is a sweet woman. I wouldnt have a problem talking to her and being friends with her one day – although i just want the drama to stop…not keep it going – but damn it, when will the dreams stop? Its like I wake up exhausted too…
In terms of your dreams, I believe (and I can’t say this is true) that when we sleep we go home to spirit. As for sleeping, and wanting to sleep, this can be depression (if you think so, see your GP), but for my personal experience, i think that we need to sleep, to recharge our batteries, it is good for us. Relationships with the sociopath are draining. You need the sleep to catch up. You did say that you were spiritual and asked me about that, so in terms of him connecting to your energy, it can be useful to ask Archangel Michael to help you cut the chords which bind you. You can see videos on youtube to help you to do this (I have done this and it has worked) but be warned you will probably feel him gone! … i found it worked.. see here, and pick which one you feel drawn to! https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=archangel+michael+cutting+cords&oq=archange&gs_l=youtube.1.0.35i39j0l9.1287.2995.0.4977.8.8.0.0.0.0.254.1085.3j4j1.8.0…0.0…1ac.1.11.youtube.T_yndHw4KA8 For dream interpretation a site that I love is http://www.dreammoods.com/ I use it when I wake with those kind of dreams.
Debra Jun 6, 4:21 pm
OH MY, it’s been 7 years for me, seven years of a living hell and I was so in love and so understanding that it blinded me from what my partner actually was.
I had made notes on my calendar throughout the years every time something happened, and only until now have I understood what I was going through. It’s a very sad situation when you realize you have wasted years of your life and have shed so many tears & depression over a person who basically just uses you & manipulates your heart, your mind and your life – for nothing but the fact that they have no conscience and they truly do have a psychological problem they cannot fix. Sadly they do not realize how much they hurt others, and that part alone is the scariest thought because they will continue their lives doing this to other pour souls who cross their path.
I’ve been through it all:
– lies about his home life, stated he was ‘separated’ only a year later did I find out he was married still living with his wife
– lied about his job which was non-existant
– flirted with friends/strangers alike to the point of starting orgies
– problems with strangers, as he is very blunt and does not care what he says to people
– problems with police officers, throwing water bottles, hot dogs, whatever he has in his hands after the bar and starts trouble
– always centre of attention, the joker, the one who goes on stage and entertains everyone
– very high sex drive / attractive man
– promiscuous nature, finding out months sometimes a year later of girls he met online/bar which he had one night stands with or a relationship with
– loving, kind towards me but within a week or two always dealt with verbal abuse over one issue or other which he caused
– blamed me for problems which arised due to his own actions
– never met his close friends or buddies or family members to see his other life (he always kept his personal life separate, there was always one reason or another of why it wasn’t possible over the years)
– puts people against you, alienates you from your family and friends until all you have is him
– drinking problem, alcohol which made him grab women in bars (breasts, bottom etc) in front of me caught when I wasn’t looking or when he thought i wasn’t around, and there were many times it was done in front of my face & I was told it was just ‘fun’ and drunkeness that made him do it
– as much as i have a good heart, am shy, very attractive as a woman, it did not matter to him to lie in my face and have no empathy that he was hurting me with other women
– there were times i had proof of his lies and I wouldn’t let him know what I knew & I watched him casually tell me otherwise like it was second nature, it hurt to see this knowing the truth
– always stated he was in love with me and wanted to marry me, but constantly cheated and lied nonetheless out of just pure thrill, I believe they unknowingly get some type of high from this to others, the lying & cheating is exciting
– very intelligent, yet uses this to their advantage to manipulate others
My last day was two weeks ago, I waited on him all day for a ‘weekend’ he supposedly wanted to spend with me..
Friday night excuse was he forgot about a friends husband’s birthday party (i wasn’t able to go as i live an hour away) I later found out he was at a bbq party with friends and women he had associations with.
Saturday comes along, I received many excuses in the morning as to why I was unable to join him at an ‘antique show’ due to him going early at 8am with family, he ended up not going at all as I later found out he as at this party from the night before and was still enjoying the festivities the next day and was lying to me all along.
I spend the day cleaning my home, changing my sheets, buying groceries for our weekend, buying his favorite wine.. he finally showed up at 7:30pm, said he was tired and wanted to stay in, he wanted to sit in the car when I sat in to let me know of his day while we were parked, I stated I did not want to sit in a hot car to listen to him tell me about his day, I suggested we could go to a book store if he was tired, sit and have a coffee and he can tell me of his day and then we can go home and hang in if he was tired.
I was stuck most of my day indoors, waiting on him and doing things for us in preparation, it wasn’t too much to ask to step out.
Mind you at this time I had already known where he spend Friday night and most of Saturday and I was sad, and because I loved him so much I didn’t bring it up not to upset him.
Well, as we are driving within 10min he gets angry because he wants to tell me about his day (his lies, not the truth).. I had expressed to him only that I would have liked to join him at the antique show Saturday morning ( I had asked the night prior but he said he was tired and wanted to go to bed) in the morning he just ignored what I said & left without me.. keep in mind you I said this calmly, lovingly and politely, as I do not like seeing his anger. Well within 10min into our ride, after me stating only that I would have liked to join him and wished he would have planned it with me – HE BLOWS UP, starts to get upset hitting & banging at the steering wheel yelling and screaming at me of how much stress he has coming from all angles (as he lives with his parents and has a daughter from previous marriage that only lasted 2yrs) as he is doing this acting like a psychotic maniac, he utters ‘im turning around and going home, i had enough of this sh#t’ WOW
For the first time, I snapped, I don’t know what happened, with his yelling and telling me he was going home after the day I had I immediately opened the car door as he was driving along the lakeshore, I wanted to get out.
I have never done that before or acted that way the mere shock of what he had done and how he was treating me in my face, knowing full well he is lying to me, was something I will never forget.
He was in the center lane and he pulled over within a minute and watched me get out. Now, I know he is lying as I received photo proof of where he was and with whom, he knows he is lying but doesn’t realize I know, and yet he still treated me that way? UNBELIEVABLE
It took me a little over a half hour to get home walking. Not once did he try to stop me from getting out of the car, he didnt come looking for me, but he did text me in capital letters how I could have caused an accident (we were barely going 20km at the time), and how I could have ruined his career (which he does not have, he is still going to college, his 3rd attempt, failing some courses already) but this is how narcissistic sociopaths are.. this is what they do, this is how they treat you and it was not the first time.
Sadly this happened once before after waiting on him most of the day, preparing for his arrival, he never showed up & cancelled on me using the excuse that I didn’t want to drive half way and meet him..
I never responded to any of his texts after he made me walk home in the cold that night, I felt worthless, I realized I had been fooled for 6 years.I was numb on my walk home in disbelief that this has been my life
He has sent me angry emails and texts since this happened, it’s been 2 weeks – I have not responded to any (as he enjoys the blame game and arguing to the point where he wont make you sleep for a week just from you trying to wrap your brain around all the harsh words and put downs he throws at you).
I always forgave him, for many many things he has done to me, in front of me and behind my back..
I guess it took for me to watch him lie to me for days knowing the truth, and it crushed me and devastated me to watch him do this to my face and not have a care in the world of how he was deceiving me and lying to me. It took this last time for me to actually realize the relationship was all a lie – I was faithful and loving and in it wholeheartedly, he wasn’t.
As hard as it is, and has been, I have not contacted him, I have changed my number and I am having a difficult time because throughout the years he has alienated me from my family and my friends. I am alone more than ever, but I had to do this, my life, my self esteem, my self worth is all gone.
Sadly, the peace and solace I feel not reading or hearing his harsh words towards me, degrading me & not listening to the constant lies & stories, not being manipulated any longer, and not spending nights and weekends worrying or stressing over issues he brings into my life – has been the first feeling of peace I have felt in a long time.
It’s a daily struggle trying to forget, trying not to call or text, because I was in love, this was what I believed to be my soulmate, my life. But it was nothing but a lie, I was just one of many, for no other reason but the fact that he cannot control his sociopathic nature.
I don’t know what the future will hold for me, I don’t know if I will fully recover, I don’t know if I will ever heal from this, but I am going to try – it’s all I have left to save myself from this.
For those of you who have experienced a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath
confused and lost Jun 5, 2:00 pm
As a guy who was used by a sociopath I can say I completely feel for all of you.. I’m in Australia and mine came from the states.. Lured me in on a spiritual forum and pretended, and still feigns to be one on the path of light.. She has a husband and a child and cares not for any of them.. Her whole family has turned against her due to what she did to her child husband and me..
Her mother told me not to feel bad, that she falls for her lies even to this day.
I’m still reeling from the heartbreak, and have lost all sense of confidence.. Probably doesn’t help that I’m borderline the polar opposite of a sociopath, too many feelings with no control. But this girl seemed to level me out, and for the first time in my life I felt settled. She claimed we were twin flames, and it sure felt that way.
Wow what a shock I got when this all turned out to be one massive lie. I’m completely terrified of meeting anyone now. Have crushed self confidence and feel like the ugliest bastard on the planet.. I apologise for the pity party, but this felt like a good place to share…
You aren’t the ugliest bastard on the planet…regardless of your physical appearance, to have compassion and a soul makes you more attractive than someone who doesnt have the ability to feel anything at all. So, while the soc might make you feel like your looks are all that matters, etc, thats not the case. Although I doubt you are as unattractive as you are feeling now.
I was also “duped” by the spiritual game when he would ask to come to yoga with me, meditate with me etc. and get in deep conversations with me about my spiritual journey and how bad he wanted to feel that. I dont doubt that he did, but he also fell off the spiritual map when he decided to start lying to everyone again to get what he wanted (me, ex wife, etc) and spin a story to look a certain way, and then would hold it against me when I wouldnt “help” him anymore with his path to light, even though he had all the tools he needed. You cant manipulate God or spirituality. Never wanted to surrender the ego, or couldnt anyway.
I’m sorry you are hurting. I am too, but am trying to do things to keep my mind off of it (although I am not sure if a forum helps or hurts?). It takes a lot to bounce back from that feeling. Fortunately, I have made this mistake numerous times and know that I CAN bounce back from it, and so can you. I know its unfamiliar and its strange to look at yourself in the mirror and imagine that you didnt know better. But, never cut yourself down for being a loving, compassionate, trusting person. You werent the wrong one. Its wrong for someone to take advantage of that gift.
There are people out there ready to receive it. Since you are spiritual, you will understand the power of intention setting. As of late, I have been setting the intention out there to “release all things that do not serve me” and “release all people, beings or experiences that are not aligned with ultimate Truth, unconditional love, bliss, etc”. Practice being open and ready to receive all of the joy, abundance, etc in your experience….and maybe sit in meditation and ask yourself what you were aligned with to attract someone who wanted to just take from you. Is there a sense of validation there from someone who “needs” you? and does it hurt worse when they dont? Sorry for being brutally honest, but I am literally going through the same stages in my own personal/spiritual process. Ask the universe what you are supposed to learn from all of this and see in YOURSELF in all of this (because, ultimately this is a lesson for you, and just a pattern for them)….and remember to be easy on you…be easy on yourself. If someone yelled at a kid for falling off his bike when the training wheels were off, he would never try again. A scraped knee is enough punishment. He will learn. And so will you. But does that mean he never rides a bike again? No, that just means he is better at balancing, steering, breaking etc. Relationships are not black or white. And although the person you were dealing with was a toxic acception, you are not. And you deserve all of the wonderful things you have coming to you.
can you tell I did the cord cutting meditation last night?! 🙂 phew. Smudged my entire flat. Meditated. And although I had a glimpse of fear,ego today, I am just trying to reduce the moments of fear and anxiety associated with it.
Today, I thought to myself, what if he goes back with his ex? And for some reason the thought bothers me. Hurts my ego. But really, I am trying to understand and accept that he is who he is…and to not have him part of my life anymore was MY choice. Not his. So, I cant play victim when I am choosing something better for myself. It sucks to know he will get what he needs from another source, but I am trying hard to not make it personal. It has nothing to do with me, and really has nothing to do with her. It has everything to do with him. Right?? I dont know. Any thoughts or guidance on this topic would be helpful. I know it shouldn’t bother me which direction eh goes from here, especially since it was MY CHOICE to move in a different direction…but part of me also doenst want to acknowledge that.
I am still going through ups and downs…and maybe I always will? but I am working hard to reduce the times of the “downs” and increase the times of the “ups”. Getting up a half hour earlier. Working an hour longer. Getting myself back into the rhythms that help me function highly. It is still relatively new for me and am coming off the numbing phase of it. I go through bouts of anger and frustration to literally not having the energy for any of it and just being “done”.
So strange how the perspective shifts once you cut the puppet strings though…it becomes so amazingly apparent what is going on and how they are trying to manipulate you once you recognize it. And likewise, when you reflect on all of those “amazing” times, once you pair those memories with what the likely truth was behind them, its disgusting. I have a highlight reel of ever single time I was one foot in, one foot out the door, turning to see the look on his face and the plea in his conversation and some bullshit rationalization he gave me for why X, Y and Z was occuring, all of which I believed.
I went out with my best friend tonight for dinner and drinks. She was surprised to learn that i am STILL as done as I was last time I saw her (she is familiar with the roller coaster/pattern) and after talking to her tonight, she said to me “Its good to finally have you back”…I asked her to explain to me how I was…explain to me what she observed in me…And my parents said the same thing. Me, a strong willed, driven, attractive woman with the world at her fingertips, turned to jello, couldnt stick up for herself, and was justifying the most ridiculous circumstances. It’s amazing to hear someone describe you during those dramatic months, and to not even be able to recognize yourself.
And, yeah, it’s good to feel like myself again too. The more I am going out and associating with my friends, laughing hard with them, and seeing that I CAN still feel and that my whole life isnt ruined, its really encouraging.
And, reading all of these affirming stories definitely help too.
GL, that is so great that you’re reclaiming your life! Yay you!!!
I’ve had some revelations that may not be popular, but I trust that I can speak my truth – and so I’m going to talk in terms of just me, but perhaps it may resonate on some level with others.
I’ve known for some time that I keep picking the wrong guys in my life. I’ve long suspected weak boundaries on my part (I’m just starting to understand the concept of boundaries). In the end, I’m coming to accept that I’m codependent. Acceptance is the first step in healing, right? I have to take responsibility for my part in all of this…yes, I was lovebombed, but I also ignored the red flags, refused to believe what was right in front of me. I can’t help but think that if I’d had more love for myself, more self-validation, more defined boundaries, that I would have turned away from him early on and never looked back. I would have taken better care of myself. I think it’s safe to say that we all know on a gut level when someone is no good for us. What was it that made me ignore my gut? I came to the conclusion a while ago that I keep picking the wrong guys because I keep trying to rewrite the script of neglect and abandonment at the hands of my father.
Stay with me now…
I’ve realized that in many ways, all of this was never about the Narcissist!!! Yes, he is deeply injured, but in my own way, knowing the existence of the red flags but then IGNORING them, I ALSO CHOSE HIM. But it wasn’t about him. It was about my unresolved issues with my father, my unhealed injuries from my childhood. The N was merely a caricature – an exagerrated mimickry of those behaviors of my own father – his failure to take responsibility, his blaming me for his deceits, his abandonment. I chose the N because I needed my pain to reach critical mass – to go from knowing analytically WHY I was choosing the wrong guys to bellying up to the bar and DEALING with the source issues on the emotional level (therapy works, folks and this EMDR protocol is da bomb!) =)
I didn’t make this choice consciously, but looking back, I see that it WAS a CHOICE. I used to try to take the high road by being grateful to him for bringing me back to the work on myself. I realize now that the thought is ludicrous! Just because you learn how to purge poison from your system doesn’t mean that you should be grateful to the snake for biting you! The gratitude is for myself when I learn how to avoid getting near the snake to begin with!
Now, this may not be popular, and again, only speaking for myself, but we play a part in all of this too. If we fail to take responsibility for that, then we are no better than they are. The fact is, because I am learning to not only take responsibility for getting into this in the first place but to embrace it, I empower myself to resolve it. It was my choice, and so, resolution is in my hands.
I share this because I feel that it’s incredibly liberating! How can I be a victim if, on any level, it was my choice to be there? There is no shame in that choice – it was what my heart needed to create in order to propel me forward. I can’t let go of or release something that has no power over me and thus, no hold on me – it is an unnecessary step. HE NEVER had power over me, my past, however, did.
I’ll never get closure from the N. The fact is, I don’t need it. HE isn’t the one I need closure, with, and so I’ve taken steps to heal past injuries and confronted my father (even as I learn to take responsibility for the choices that I continue to make as a result.) THAT is the closure I’m really looking for. The N can never and will never give me that closure (even if he wanted to) and it doesn’t matter – because it never was and never will be about him. It’s about me.
Enjoy your residence in the obscure footnotes of my life, N.
I agree with you! Don’t think my dad was my issue but i am definitely a codependent and always want to feel secure and protected by a man!! Why??? I am a strong intelligent woman! Why do i need a man to validate this for me? I am planning on getting myself back and am not planning on letting another man into my life for a long long time! I’ve spent 21 years with 2 sociopaths(I’m only 42, so that’s half my life exactly!)
To be honest I don’t think letting a man near me at the moment would be fair on him, I’m definitely damaged goods!! That’s not meant as a self criticism, just the truth!
Here’s my lengthy story. It’s lengthy because it just peeked it’s dangerous head this week!
This very week, I found out that my boyfriend of six years got married in Michigan last year and just renewed their vows in March of this year. The problem is that he was with both of us the entire time without either of us knowing. He moved to Atlanta with me 3 years ago and we bought a house together. His wife believes he lives in Tennessee for a job.
I found credit cards neither of us knew about with charges in both states. That’s what made me investigate further. He had three cell phones (one that he uses for his wife in Michigan), and two here (one for everyone in his family, friends, work and me, etc. I assume the phone he just got is for anew ATL mistress. How do I know, because he has taken two “boys” trips camping and fishing for the weekend with let’s just say Bill and Jake. I called Bill today and he says “I don’t fish…that’s not me”. Jake says, no I have not talked to him but we are supposed to go golfing tomorrow. Now mind you, on the phone, he told me that they were loading up again with both Jake and Bill to fish off a boat all day and they camped out all night last night. Uh-hmm!
He had two other on-going relationships with two women during our time together (one for 2 months and 1 for 8 months). I did not fret so much over the 8 month one because she lived far away and the girl admitted to never meeting his family, friends, or spend any quality time with him (maybe 4 times in 8 months tops). Also, during that time I cheated on him with two guys. The reason why is because he pressured me so fast to move in (within 3 weeks), get married (within 6 months), have a baby, etc. But, I found out he was saying the exact same thing to the other women who thought they were exclusive. Throughout all of this, I remained the constant. He asked me to marry him and bought rings several times but I just could not get to the point of doing it because of my instinct. He moved to ATL with me from Michigan leaving his two daughters (who he loves dearly). Since moving here, he goes back to Michigan every 3-4 months. We have taken trips together, he buys me gifts, help raise my kids, but got married at the justice of the peace March 2012 with a reception March 2013 without any indication of this. He made it seem as if he was seeing his girls during those occasional trips. He took no other trips for work or otherwise. He always left on Thursday afternoon and cam home on the first plane Monday morning He lies about EVERYTHING big or small for absolutely no reason. I could say where did you just go? He would say working out but he actually went shopping.
It’s only God that I have been communicating lately with a good friend from college and she knows the “other married woman”. They are in a sorority with each other. She helped me put two and two together and now the wife is getting the info. However, she accuses me of stalking and said don’t contact her again when I was only emailing her to give details so she would understand what she is up against. She told his sister a couple of months ago that she was upset that out of all the time they have been together (10 years), that she had never met his family AT ALL until this year (after the wedding). On the other hand, I know his family very well. They (mom, sis, aunt) came to visit us in ATL last summer. We exchange gifts, and I’m at all of the functions. Well that was until last year.The whole family knows about this sensitive issue and he keeps it going.
I found out on Tuesday about this cheating and the married only this evening. His ASS was gone on Tuesday. I packed his bags any kind of way and threw his bags out of the door, broke his laptop, pulled all of the buttons from his shirts as I took them off the hangers, and other malicious type of behavior;-) He took me for $20,000 over these past 6 years!!! I was very smart once I found out everything. I have copies of these credit cards that he was maintaining at his parents house (he is 40 yrs old), his phone records, a recording I did with him asking very specific questions about the “fling” he said he had with this woman on Tuesday (who was actually the wife), etc. I presented it to his wife. I only hope she sees him like he is before too much more time passes. I feel sorry for all involved. He was so selfish to have his daughters (ages 13 and 17) lie to both women, parents (ministers) feel caught in the middle, string my 12 year old along for the ride as his fill-in dad (he lost his dad in 2008), and ruin all of these women’s lives. in the past years I am aware of. His sister confided in me tonight that he did the same thing to his first wife of ten years…but he also hit her. He has never done any of that to me. I think I was his go to and the others were his sides because I have been the most involved in his life. The nerve of him asking me to marry him the week of Jan 1st this year!!! It’s scary to know that there are men out there like that. Just as your article says…he’s a charmer and sex was great. Hard to leave but I care about my self far too much! Thanks for your article! P.S….now the legal battle begins since he is technically married but bought a house with me prior to!
I am doing my best to clean up my end and move forward from all of this.
Part of that includes apologizing to the woman he was in a relationship when he also decided to get involved with me. I feel I owe her an apology, but an fairly certain she would never want to hear from me. Especially since she is also working on putting her world back together. I selfishly feel the need to speak my truth to her, but dont want to cause her any more pain. I want to tell her how sorry I am for being involved, and for causing her pain.
At the same time, I am fairly certain she would tell the Soc about my letter, and I am somewhat afraid of how he would respond. I have no intentions of bad mouthing him or giving her any details. I just wanted to clean up my side of the fence and apoligize for my involvement. At the same time, I dont want to do something that he will negatively react to. I am somewhat afraid because he is a loose cannon.
How do I get clear of my wrong doings with her, without pissing him off? Can I ever have closure there either? I am afraid that I will never be able to make the situation right, without putting myself in a dangerous situation either. I really want to make peace and apologize…but I really dont want to fear any repercussions that could come from that on his end if/when he finds out.
Thoughts? suggestions?
This whole situation has been weighing heavily on me…I am feeling so shameful for not seeing through it and so shameful for causing her pain in the process. I was also lied to, manipulated and told to believe something else, though, too. She doesnt know that though. All she knows is what he tells her. I really want to do the right thing, wash my hands of it and move on. But I am afraid that I will not be able to move on without a proper apology, and am also afraid I will not be able to apologize without putting myself in danger. Im really stuck here, everyone.
Please let me know what your thoughts are…
Is there any chance she would reach out to me down the road?? Should I wait for that? I dont want to carry this around with me for years to come. I really want to make peace with it. It is making me physically, emotionally, spiritually sick. 😦
Hey I know that you want to make peace. But the real issue here GL is that you want to make peace within yourself.
You feel bad that you have hurt somebody else. But realistically did you know that he was with someone?
You could send her a facebook message? But I do not know how it would be received. I talked to 2 of my sociopaths exes, they both had the same to say about him. They were both opening and friendly with me. I guess it helped with their pain too? As they had also been hurt by him.
Do you know what her facebook is? That might be easy as you can write and send and if she doesn’t reply she doesnt.
But what you are asking for is for her to forgive you, but really you need to forgive yourself.
Realise that this wasn’t you, it was him. And forget about his feelings – he doesnt feel too much anyway …. honestly….. if he rants and rages so what? His feelings are not important. it is your feelings that are important.
Well I don’t want to be put in a situation where I am in danger or causing more pain to them. Yes, I did know they were together but also in the process of splitting up. What I didn’t know was that SHE didn’t know they were in the process of splitting up. She found out about me and there is a lot of anger and resentment, for good reason.
I don’t want to write her a letter and have it stir up feelings of anger while they are going through a divorce. I don’t want to make things any worse. And part of me wonders if my need to apologize is simply so I can get clear with myself? What could I ever honestly say to her to make it better. Nothing. She likely doesn’t want to hear from me.
I do want to get clear with myself. It’s been 2 weeks since I have seen him or been with him and now that the fog is lifting I am feeling incredibly depressed, ashamed etc for everything that happened. Yes, I was also lied to and manipulated but I should have known better. It literally is making me sick and hard to sleep. But I don’t want to come to her and make things worse. She will never like me, and it would likely rock the boat with their legal proceedings.
I don’t know how to get right from this. I’m afriad I won’t be able to move past this. I feel so low and sick to my stomach. I just wish I could have seen things this clear from the beginning and never listened to him or got involved…but it “felt so right” and we had this “amazing connection”. I completely lost myself and I don’t know how to get it back.
Are they still together then GL? Or have they split?
Thank you for this!! I just responded similarly on the forum, and didn’t realize you were here…so, sorry if there is some repeat! You are right. I feel good about making it more about me with less anger. I need to make a more conscious effort to will him out of my experience, in all good and bad ways, Instead of waiting for the next text designed to “get to me”. Ugh. What a process.
I am in both places. I did reply to you there too GL. I see the messages for both at the same time. Good am glad that you are starting to see it as less about you, as the truth is, there is little you can do with a sane mind, to sort out the disordered mind. They just don’t think logically.
Be careful! I’m sure that she will appreciate an apology, but I’m sure the sociopath have already played with her mind giving her his version of the story and is easiest to blame a third party than the loved one.
Remember the sociopath will make everything to avoid any communication between their exes.
In my personal experience his ex contact me -at first to fight with me, I didn’t know that they were still “together”- and months later when they split for real (we were still together) we have the opportunity to talk again I have the opportunity to apologize, we talked, cried and compared notes ( mine is a rebound relationship after 23 years of our first attempt) I thought that we were on “peace” . What I never imagined is that she was still one of his “suppliers” ( I didn’t have at the time an idea of what is a sociopath)and with his tricks began to talk bad about me to her and that he wanted to be with her again, she admitted to him about our conversations and he convinced her to call me many times as he was listening to the conversations. I dont believe that both of them have do something like that. Its not until now that I understand the damage that a sociopath can do. So please whatever is your decision, be careful to avoid bringing more damage and guilt to you.
Forgive yourself, GL. You are not responsible for the feelings of others. You didn’t act maliciously, did you? You can own your own feelings and actions, but you can only act on the knowledge you have. And one more thing: how are YOU responsible for HIS two-timing the both of you? That isn’t something you own…HE does. You don’t need to feel responsible for the feelings of the other woman and you should not be trying to heal/clean up his messes.
They have separated and are in the process of a divorce
Joseph Jun 13, 2:16 am
Took me 18 months to realize that my girl friend was a sociopath. Working on getting out of it right now. She has two kids from her exhusband who love me dearly and whom i love. The biggest sign for me right away was that her stories always seemed to change. If i asked her the same question four times it was four different replies. And when i called her out it was scary, she acted like she couldn’t remember what i was talking about. For example she’d say i checked out a new church today and loved it, on Sunday. On Tuesday she’d say ugh, i’m such a heathen i haven’t been to church in 6 months. The most hurtful part was every fight was my fault! Even if you have proof, it’s ALWAYS, your fault. They refuse to not win and will never back down. And they will make you feel terrible. She is constantly telling me, obviously you don’t know my heart!! And if i’d only love God i wouldn’t worry about such “petty” stuff. My feelings and emotions are always petty or bullsh**. She totally has the sociopathic stare, to a T!! I just realized that. The other thing is the constant need for male facebook attention. Friends with every exboyfriend even though they were cheating douche bags. The two huge things to me are a) things that bother me are my issue, not hers to change. and b) the giant divide of who she is and how she is with how she wants people to see her. She is constantly telling me, i’m not a liar i don’t lie and i’m not a slut. She posts Christian messages while posting bikini pictures from 10 years ago. The sex thing is HUGE, constantly telling me how lucky i am that we have sex often and how her male friends only get sex once a month. She repeats this often. She knows i am an excellent reader of people and the more i’ve started to catch her and be on to her the more aggressive and crazy she’s getting. Pushing me away and then claiming i’m not coming around because i’m selfish. She matches the exact male description you posted. She takes zero ownership and accountability even over inconsequential stuff. The best part is when they wrong or hurt you, a normal person just apologizes, but a sociopath gets mad and attacks. The empathy and guilt just aren’t wired. She is a product of a sordid childhood in which both parents were into some very bad stuff. I have zero doubt she was abused but how or to what level i don’t know. For any other dudes dating a sociopath, it’s okay to walk away. It’s not easy because you want to protect someone who’s been damaged, but you deserve to be happy to. And there’s zero happiness in dating a sociopath.
Let me first start off saying that I am a college-educated, smart, independent woman. The reason I feel the need to start off by saying that is because after reading this, you may think otherwise. 2012 was a very bad year for me to say the least. I split from my ex in 2011 (my decision) and in the beginning of 2012, entered the world of on-line dating. I went in with 0 intention of falling in love, I just wanted to date since I spent the last 12 years with my ex.
I went on dates, most of them I knew would not last. I started chatting with this one guy whose work schedule was crazy, but we finally got a chance to meet up. Bad date, lots of alcohol, birth control failed and 5 weeks later I got a positive pregnancy test. I had ended it with him the very next day after our date as I knew it wouldn’t last and was super embarrassed for sleeping with him on our first date. Then I started talking to “R”. “R” was very attractive and respectful. He was kind, handsome, and tattooed. I loved his image but wasn’t immediately attracted to him. We chatted for about 3 weeks before we met up.
When we met, he was very honest and put all his cards on the table for me. Told me he had been to prison, was in a gang but had changed his lifestyle and now was on the right path. I actually respected him for being so upfront and honest with me. I thought since he was so honest about his past, he would be honest about everything else. From that moment on, I, for whatever reason, ignored all the red flags. He was pouring it on thick for me and even told me he would be deleting his profile. When I asked why (I wasn’t there yet), he said because he found me. I was flattered but didn’t think much of it since I wasn’t really taking him seriously.
Then I find out I’m pregnant by the other guy (me and R hadn’t had sex yet). Since I thought he was falling for me, he was one of the first people I told. I told him if he didn’t want to see me again, that was okay, no hard feelings. To my surprise, he told me he didn’t mind and he had been in my position many times (he had 5 kids, yes 5). I was taken aback by his response. So we continued to see each other. Then finally the day comes when we have sex. The sex as AMAZING and I think that is when I fell in love with him. Not just the sex, but he was so affectionate, attentive and helpful (something my ex wasn’t). It felt so good to feel so loved.
But something started to change….he had disappeared on me in the beginning, came back and apologized and said he was “scared”. Like an idiot, I bought it (because at this point I was hooked). So when we started back, we were going strong, then he started slipping away again. He blamed his long work hours, his kids, etc. My gut knew something was up, but my heart wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I asked him numerous times if he was seeing anyone else. He always answered with a no.
Although I felt his “love” he never told me he loved me. But he did tell me all the things I wanted to hear (ie. he would be there for my baby and me, would be my baby’s father, pass him off as his, wanted to help pick out a name, etc). I don’t care what anybody says, a pregnant woman does not want to be alone. He would text me first thing in the morning and all day with a bunch of “I miss you”, “Thinking of you”, and “Can’t wait to see you, to hold you” “I need to see you, to hold you” etc. Exactly what I wanted/needed to hear.
One weird thing he didn’t do is add me to Facebook. Told me we would talk about it first, then he would add me?? I thought wtf? Who does that? I started to feel like I was no longer a priority for him, but an option and it was not sitting so well with me. So, I started to play detective. Fishing what I could through the internet, monitoring the dating website we met and his FB. On his FB I noticed two girls that “liked” some of his photos and comments he made public (I was still not his FB friend). So I kept tabs on them all.
One day he came over and told me he would stay if he could (he used to spend the night with me at least 2-3 times a week, then it started to dwindle to maybe one time). But I could tell he wasn’t. His phone was going off and the more it starting to go off, the more upset I was becoming. Then he told me this BS that he had yet another “family function”. I asked him if he was going to continue to use his family as an excuse. He got mad and left. Later texted saying he was tired of my insecurity and if he said he was spending time with his family, that’s what it was….I continue to text him, just to have him ignore me barely responding for 3 weeks. I was at a loss. I missed him and was confused. How could someone who professed to care about me treat me this way?
Like an idiot, I pursued him one last time. I told myself if he didn’t respond, I would delete his number and be done with him. But he did. Told me he missed me and said that being an asshole was his defense mechanism because again, he was “scared”. In hindsight, I should have known that if he missed me so much, why didn’t he ever reach out to me? A week passes with the same amount of texting through out the day but still did not go and see me.
Here’s where it gets sketchy:
We had planned to see each other on Saturday. Friday night I barely get a text from him. Then at 2:30 a.m. he calls telling me he got shot in the leg! One of the girls I had been monitoring on FB was an old “friend” who had beef with an ex boyfriend. That ex boyfriend’s friends lived up the street from her. He was hanging out with her and her so-called boyfriend when it hit the fan and everyone started shooting. There goes the notion that his gang life was behind him.
I talked him into going to the hospital, his phone died and at 9:00 the next morning his sister had dropped him off at my house. What did this 7 month pregnant woman do? I waited on him hand and foot, treated his gun shot wound and paid for his meds!!! I went into nurse mode. I cared and loved him and wanted to do it. Like a fool!!!! Again, my gut was telling me something wasn’t right. I asked him, yet again, if he was seeing someone else. He had me look at him straight in the eyes and he said, “I am not seeing anyone else”. By that time he finally was telling me he loved me. I couldn’t shake the fact that something just didn’t feel right.
Fast forward a week. One of the other girls had posted a new pic on FB and he made the comment, “mmmmmmmm”. That was it for me!!! I finally saw what I needed to see. He was cheating on me!!! I confronted him and at first, he tried to dismiss me and told me not to worry about it. Yeah right. Finally he came clean and admitted that he was talking to her too. When I asked him how and why he did this to me! He then stated that I was the one pregnant by someone else and I didn’t have room to be upset!!! And that’s why he never added me to FB, because they were friends and would tag each other when they went out.
So I messaged the other woman, because I had a strong feeling he was playing her as well. Sure enough, he had been in a full fledge relationship with her, and started talking to her (through the same dating website we met) the day he and I supposedly became exclusive. One thing I asked him when we became “exclusive” was if his feelings ever changed to please be honest with me. I told him the truth may hurt, but a lie will hurt me worse. He said, “You got it baby”.
So, I had to send the other woman pics of our text conversations as proof because he was telling her I was just a jealous, psycho ex who could not get the picture that he no longer wanted me. Once he was shown the text that I was giving her, he then changed his story and said that he was just using me, not for sex but for money and drugs. I NEVER gave him money or drugs!!! I woulda believed it if he had been honest and said he was just using me for sex. BUT what type of person admits to one single mom that he is using another pregnant, single mom??? Although he never asked me for money, I have a feeling that was his agenda the whole time. Eventually he would have.
I immediately quit talking to him. But, I continued talking to the other woman, answering her questions as well as asking her my own. Not even a week after this, he ends up with the girl who supposedly had a boyfriend and whose house he got shot at. Ended up with her and two weeks later THEY GOT MARRIED!!!! Me and the other woman were in disbelief. He had bent over backwards telling me that she was just a friend from back in the day and she had a boyfriend. She had no boyfriend but she knew about the other woman but we came to the conclusion that he had told her she was psycho like he had told her about me.
So he showed a lot of the signs:
-Moved fast
-Lied through his teeth while maintaining eye contact
-Impulsive
-No regard for the law
-Manipulated me
-Used me
-No remorse for his actions
-No emotional attachment even to his own kids
I have to admit that it’s been 8 months and I’m still in the anger stage. The thing that upsets me the most is as much as he hurt me (I still cry to this day), he will NEVER feel remorse nor will he ever feel the pain that I am in because he is incapable of feeling any type of feelings. And he gets to live his life with someone who loves him. Eventually it will all hit the fan, but he will just be onto his next conquest. Never learning or growing. Karma will never truly catch up to him since he has no compassionate, caring feelings for anything or anyone.
Oh gosh….. wow…. again they are just so stunning. So selfish, self centred and only thinking about themselves. I am so sorry for what you have been through. How are things with you and your baby today? Honestly, why? And to a pregnant woman as well…. but there is no why is there? And he would turn it around and blame it on you. I am so sorry that you have been through this, and can only hope that your baby brings you a lot of joy. There will be support forums here, depending on what time they change the site over….. so other people to talk to. Thank you for your story!!
Thank you for taking time to read my story. Reading about sociopaths is slowly helping me realize what I was dealing with and coming to terms that I will never have the answer to all the “whys”. It’s hard though. It hurt my ego to know that someone like me could fall for a person like him. Not trying to sound full of myself but I’m smarter than that.
It just hurts me that I was in a position in life that I ignored all the red flags and desperately wanted to be loved and to love someone else. I know this was a lesson I needed to learn, I just wish it didn’t happen. It still stings to this day and I hope it goes away. My last paragraph in my post is what ticks me off.
But, me and my kids are doing fine! I am so blessed to have them in my life! I haven’t dated nor am I ready to date. That is something I am taking time to heal and to find happiness in myself before I start dating someone else. I applaud you for creating this site and telling your story. I don’t know how you did it three times, one time is enough for me. I think I would write men off for good if I went through something like this more than once. I just don’t think I have it in me to go through it again. Which is why I’m in no rush to date. I just got through reading a sociopath book and the author stated that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths. My hope for the future that the next relationship I’m in, he is the other 24!!!
Hey its not you. I have a BA Hons Degree too!! So it isn’t you!!
How can you detect lies and deceit to that level. A sociopath wrote to me recently and said
‘It isn’t that we are that great at hiding, its more that you are not as good at looking for it, as we are at hiding’ that is very true.
As for me, writing off men for good…. well I might have come to that it would take someone very very special to capture my heart.
Yes, I think that too. There are a lot of good men out there, you just need to focus on healing and recovery for you!! What did you have anyway? A boy or a girl?
I had another little boy. Want to hear something sickening? He actually suggested I give the baby HIS name….ugh….narcassistic much?? Oh and I forgot to add, just las week he e-mailed the other woman a wink 😉 she was like, Oh hell no….and didn’t reply. Am I totally crazy for wondering why he sent one to her and not me? All I wanted was an apology but I now know I will NEVER get one. He is incapable of feeling sorry.
OMG!!!! Great that you didn’t!!! Ew imagine if you had.
No they think only of themselves. Are selfish and self motivated. All they see is that their own needs get met.
I have been involved with a Sociopath for 10 long years!
He is very charming & I was flattered by his attention.
I was very vulnerable when he entered my life & came to trust him & thought he was a man of great integrity.
It was easy for him to cheat once he had my trust etc…this is what he relied upon!
I now know I have been under the spell of a Sociopath.
The lies & manipulation have been unbelievable but, I still did not see his true colours until I was confronted by the other woman.
This lady is a Dr of Sociology & contacted me whilst holidaying recently with my Sociopath.
I was told that and I quote,’she was his relationship partner for 3 1/2 years & that they had been living together for 12 months!
Oh & he had just proposed to her’!!!
I thought he was living at his recently deceased mothers home with his sister!!
He had recently sold his own home & a beach side property to reduce his debt level or so he said.
(I now know he had moved in with the other woman & they have purchased a property in the millions together?)
Wow, here it was right in front of my eyes….
I had been in an intimate relationship with this guy for 10 years no less, & suddenly I am eradicated by him without any explanation at all!
(We did not live together as I had always wanted to keep my private life separate as my children had been very traumatised by my marriage break down so,to spare them if things didn’t work out we lived separately,in fact he never stayed over if they were home.)
He broke all contact with me once he knew he had been discovered.
Usually he called me several times a day & we had lunch frequently.
I realise that all the phone calls were for keeping track of me & controlling the situation in case I was headed in his direction.
Now I was out in the cold,no goodbye except for a text saying I could & should move on!!!!
Gee wish I’d moved on a long long time ago.
In fact I was warned by his ex mistress (yep that’s right) one of his mistresses.
I met him via her as he is a car dealer as he has two jobs.
I had to sell my car after my marriage breakup as I could not afford the repayments so,Enter Stage Right My Sociopath!
He would not respond to my repeated requests for an explanation.
I have since learned that once a Sociopath is discovered they soon turn tail & cannot & will not face their victim.
In fact they then justify to others that they are the hero not the villain.
Apparently he told the other woman he was helping me & hadn’t been able to end it with me….blah,blah!
He failed to mention to her that we were intimate regularly, even the night before he left on his so called business trip.
(The other woman intercepted an email from me to him and it proved he was planning to come for dinner upon his return & had confirmed how much he was looking forward to it Kiss,Kiss)!
The night I got the email I was happily sitting & watching the last episode of Downton Abbey (still don’t know how it ended!)
I received a text message from my Sociopath that his email account had been hacked & that I should only contact him on this number (not the usual one) etc…
I then opened my email & there it is, the email from the other woman!
She had created another email account for herself & made contact with me in the hope of finding out whether her suspicions of him were correct.
I was told not to be concerned for his health (as I had been inquiring after his sore Achilles tendon)
That he was having a wonderful holiday with her,his son & his sister. ( His son is fully aware of my relationship with him & I know his sister also!)
He had led me to believe he was on yet another (yes he’s had a few) work related trips.
I had been told (once again) that he was on a terrorist training course.
He is a Commander in the Fire Brigade so,I assumed this was true.
He had previously shown me documentation from ASIO regarding Essential Service Personnel & the need for specialist training to be undertaken in case of terror acts & threats etc….
This all went to aid his elaborate plan to convince me that he was doing his bit for our protection,Wow what a hero!
He also told me once he was sent on a special training camp somewhere that could not be disclosed.
Where he was put through extreme training conditions like extreme temperatures,lack of sleep etc…to test his reactions to stressful conditions & that he was one of a very small group to actually get through the course?
I have no idea whether this was true or not but,it did sound unbelievably believable!
He would go into great detail without actually showing any proof & I swallowed it all!
I thought he was in the UK but,according to the email he was in Hong Kong, Beverley Hills,New York & now in London & all for pleasure. My son was able to search the IP address for the emails & where they originated from & Bingo he was in the USA!!!
My Sociopath had been leading a very duplicitous life indeed….he even involved his family members.
I was told by a friend when he was away previously that he was away with another woman & when I texted him to clarify this information he had his daughter call me to reinforce that he was on business alone!
His daughter is married to a friend of a friends son so,I believed her.
He also invited me to dinner with his family after he had mislead me about his Mothers Funeral!
He lied to me about the date so,that I would not be able to come!
When I found out I was very hurt but, then he made up such an elaborate lie and I ended up feeling sorry for him!
Apparently he was under so much stress organising the funeral & his ex wife was creating trouble that he did not want to tell me so,lied about the date?
I realise now that this was all part of him making sure his worlds didn’t collide.
He couldn’t have me show up when there was someone else on the scene etc….(although the other woman was unable to attend she had been introduced to the family by this stage.) Still I don’t know how his family could entertain me at dinner & not say anything??
Anyway once I realised what My Sociopath had been playing at I set out to expose him so,as I had retained a lot of emails etc…I arranged to meet the other woman at her request.
We met at a local hotel & I was shocked to say the least.
I was expecting a strong professional woman but instead, I was met with an emotionally devastated but,very nice lady.
We hugged & I was very saddened to see what he had done to us both.
We ordered coffee & she had bought me a lovely gift & I had a little something for her also.
We sat & it was awkward at first but,soon we were sharing our story.
My Sociopath was now Our Sociopath. The other woman had been suspicious for a while & had even hired a cab one night & followed him but,he was not where he said he would be & I confirmed to her that he was not with me either?
He even said exactly the same lines to us both in intimate moments,called us both Darling & gave us similar gifts…funnily enough he said & gave his mistress the same as well!
His well practiced lines were nearly verbatim! Obviously he sticks to a routine to avoid slip ups.
We even had a chuckle as one of his favorites was ‘You are my wife,my possession,no divorce ever!’ blah blah!
He liked it if we called him ‘Husband’,in intimate moments.
I found myself in the odd position of having to prove my relationship with him which, by the end of our meeting she was in no doubt of!
I knew far too much to be just a platonic friend as he was now stating I was!
The other woman & I stayed in touch & I thought she was going to rid him from her life but,in one of her emails she revealed that she was staying with him for now although would remain in the ‘control seat of her life’!
I was bitterly disappointed & felt doubly betrayed.
I then set about trying to take back some of my power so,I contacted his work colleague & friend,his family & anyone else that I had on my email etc…I was not going to let him continue his antics undetected.
It obviously worked as he reported me to the police for harassment!!! What a great guy!
Fortunately I realised that the friend he had call me after he was discovered, is a Detective from the same Police Station where the other officer contacted me from.
I explained the situation & whilst she understood fully she still had to do her job & gave me the warning.
I took the warning seriously & as I had already mailed a letter to his ex-wife (that he hasn’t divorced)
I stopped trying to expose him for the reprehensible person that he is.
I did some research into Sociopath type personalities and he ticks all the boxes, right down to staring deep into your eyes to almost seeing right through you…creepy because he always did this.
He also does not show any remorse for his actions rather he has become annoyed that he has been discovered etc…
Another trait & he has quickly turned on me & dismissed me.
The Sociopath has a very high sex drive due to the overload of Testosterone they are usually found to possess!
This is so true of him & he loves to talk about his sex drive & conquests.
His ego is huge! He was always asking if he was the best lover I’d ever had???
I am glad I have stood up to him the only way I could.
My efforts to expose him have been somewhat successful?
Maybe he will think twice next time….but,I doubt it!
Sociopaths often appear normal & their victim looks like the crazy one but,unfortunately that is how they get away with so much.
I am a survivor not a victim.
He has a new victim to weave his web of lies to now!
Pheonix, thank you so much for taking the time to write your story wow wow wow wow!!!! I guess 10 years of it would create that. How long ago did this end? Your head must be absolutely spinning. I am in the UK too 🙂
Hi ;0)
Sorry I missed your reply as I was reading all your other helpful posts ;0)
I only received the email from the other women on 21st April 2013 so,very recent. I have come a long way since & am healing myself…I am very resilient thank god! I have come to realise that my own lack of self worth goes back as a very young child. I am working hard to appreciate myself & my worth so,that I can lead a more authentic life with myself ;0)
I live in Melbourne Australia & have a lot to be grateful for, especially as I am still financially independent & have terrific support.
I contacted his daughter to try & understand her part in has game but,the fruit hasn’t fallen far from the tree & he has manipulated her as well ;0(
I was dismissed & as I suspected his lies just repeated via her???
I was always very nice to his family but,I understand their allegiance with their father. I however would be ashamed to have a father like him & he’s a grandfather also….what a legacy he leaves :0(
He has never divorced his wife & still controls her via his (wingman) which is his son who lives with his mother.He will not even let her go, as punishment for going after a huge settlement in the millions….her life is still controlled by his children as they destroy any relationship she has by not allowing other men in her life….they don’t accept outsiders,yet he parades his new lady in front of her to rub her nose in it…he really is a PIG!
I found it a little therapeautic talking to the other woman as well. And they do recycle their lies and excuses. I laughed when he was telling her something and even pulled up an old text where he told me the exact thing! At first, she continued to talk to him which I didn’t understand. She told me she had her own devious agenda, but I don’t think she was quite ready to let go. Not even a week after he was busted, he all-of-a-sudden (classic sociopath behavior) quit talking to her and is officially “In a Relationship” with someone else…SMH. But I can see where you would feel doubly betrayed. I would stay away from the both of them. Continue reading up on sociopaths. It is slowly helping me understand who he truly was and why he did the things he did.
This is our story, at least my version of it. We meet when I was 18 and he was 24. I was on my first year of college, he says he was on his second year of medical school. Everything was like I was on the middle of a hurricane with his name on it. He was my first, and his first words after we were intimate were “are you sure you are a virgin?” This was the beggining of Pinnochio, he was jealous, he always wanted to be with me, he didnt like my friends or my family, he wanted us to elope. He turned really violent without a reason when I didnt made what he wanted, yelling at me and calling me names, he beat me. Then he apologized, said he need my help, and that only I can help him. I was so scared that I hid on a friend’s house. I was nine weeks pregnant. Two days later I saw him kissing with another girl. I lose my pregnancy weeks later. He try to find me at my parents house and at the university, he found me and began with his excuses, saying that I’m the one to blame for his reactions..I remained silent. My best friend boyfriend intervene and thanksvto his help he left, not without saying to my friend that I have a relationship with her boyfriend. Twenty three years later I received a friend request on facebook…it was him. I was curious and I want to give a better end to what happened then (to this day I grieve my loss pregnancy) and always asked myself “what will happened if…?. I accepted his friend request. On one day we write each other more than 20 ti es, at the other day we were emailing, at the other talking on the phone, and four weeks later we met at an airport as if only a day have passed since we saw each other. A new hurricane arrived and this time I made everything that I can possibly do to make things better this time. I was so blinded that I wasn’t able to saw the evidence in front of me (when we first met he says that his last name was one that wasn’t real he explained to me 23 years later that he did it as an strategy in case any girl tried to searh him saying they were pregnant with his child, he wasn’t attending any university at the time, he used the books of his big sister, he says I love youthree days after he contacted me) Three years after the hurricane Pinnochio strucks me Im still spinning, trying to make sense of all of this. Trying to understand what’s real and trying torepair the broken pieces.
Our story have two chapters and a lot of subchapters. First one, when I was 18, second chapter 23 years after, we were “together’ for the last 3 years.
So I know this topic would be more appropriate for a forum, but I am not sure where it went? I am sure there is a lot of kinks that are being worked out.
So it has been a few weeks now. I havent seen him in nearly a month. And now the anger has faded. In fact, I actually dont want to be bitter at all.
He has reached out to me to tell me how he drives by my place and wishes to see me, talk to me every day. He has even been to the places around my work that I frequent.
I am in a weird spot, because I am not mad enough to really care that much about being rude and shutting him down and out. I know he is persistant and can sense that my anger and bitterness is fading, which is a good way to get his foot back in the door. Yesterday he contacted me, via phone, unexpectedly, told me he was in the are (of course) and that he wanted to see me. I had other things to occupy my time, so obviously we didnt, but now I am concerned that I am giving him the impression that “its okay” and that “were fine”…when really, we arent.
But at the same time, I dont want to be bitter, I dont want to be angry. I dont want to hold much more energy towards the situation. But I am afraid that when I am my usual, friendly, loving, accepting self that I will be vulnerable and leave the door open.
I still have yet to get an apology, and he still doesnt understand my stance on anything. He literally is just hoping all this will blow over, and is consistent in the mean time. Calling me cold, hurtful and playing the usual victim card.
I am not sure how to really handle this. I get it, “no contact”…but how do I bring my mind back to that place it has been for the last 3 weeks when I wanted nothing to do with him and couldnt stand the thought of him?
Now I am smiling and laughing, remembering the memories….
I think that if you’ve been processing your anger and it has lessened, that’s wonderful news! Personally, you can still retain No Contact without anger. This isn’t just about protecting yourself from him, it’s about establishing your boundaries and defending them. Obviously the No Contact has been helpful…why reinvite his energy into your life?
We all know that the one thing we’ll never get from them is a SINCERE apology…which means an apology BACKED UP BY ACTION! From what you’ve said, he obviously hasn’t changed.
You can still be polite about it…you can tell him that he just doesn’t fit into your life. If he wants to interpret that as you being less than a good person, let him. You can’t control what he thinks, nor should you. NOR SHOULD YOU ALLOW IT TO EFFECT WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE.
But you aren’t doing NC right now. Follow up what you have to say with action and be consistent with YOURSELF. Block his calls, texts, emails, facebook, etc. You can tell him that you’re doing it for you. Sorry if that makes him feel bad, but you have to do what’s best for you and what you need right now. If he actually cared, he’d be understanding of it and respect your space. If he’s just looking for supply, then your best protection is to put the blocks in place so he can’t keep toying with you.
You don’t have to be angry to take care of you. No Contact is a way to show yourself respect and love.
Hello! I heard this conversation and wanted to share:
E: “I confess I do like him. I do not see how anyone could not like him. There is something very open and artless is his manner. He feels deeply I believe and yet has a natural merriment and energy despite all this. Yes, I confess I like him very much.”
J: “But after so short an acquaintance, do you think we should believe in him so implicitly?”
E: “How could he be doubted? He gave me all the circumstances, names, facts, everything without ceremony…Besides there was truth in all his looks.”
Sound a little familiar? The language may give it away, but this is from “Pride and Prejudice”. It is Elizabeth Bennet speaking to her sister Jane about her new acquaintance, Mr. Wickham.
These guys have been around a long time. And if Elizabeth Bennet can fall for it, what shame can there be when we have?
I have only read a few of the stories so far, and my mind is spinning. I obviously got to this site because I finally had real proof that my husband is in fact a sociopath. Unfortunately, I am finding out after a 17 year relationship and two precious children. So many truths have come out in the past 20 days that my head is spinning. I will work on telling my story as yours have helped me so much, and I hope to do the same for someone else, especially his current mistress. Thanks to all of you, I am feeling positive that I will sleep better tonight knowing there is a happy future ahead for me and my children. Thank you.
At this very moment I am still with my boyfriend who I am now beginning to think is truly a sociopath. But I am so confused with everything my judgement is shot. Is he or is it just a messed up relationship?
We met on an online dating site. He messaged me and we clicked instantly and had great chemistry. After talking online for two days he convinced me to call him and we had long, long, long talks on the phone. It was amazing and fun and he made me laugh and we had so much in common. We would talk every single day on the phone (and to this day we still do) and just talk for hours and it was like discovering your other half.
At this time I was still dating other guys and he knew this, but eventually we became intimate (I still dated but was not intimate with other guys at the same time) and the sex was amazing. Out of this world crazy good. After knowing each other about 6 weeks we agreed to be in a committed monogamous relationship (looking back maybe so that he would know he was the only man in my life, but I will never know if he was faithful to me). At the same time we became a couple he suggested that he move in. He lived in a different city and where I lived was more convenient for his work, but since we clicked so well and it felt like we were soul mates destined to be together forever (and yes these were things he said to me) I was thrilled at the idea of him moving in. But when the time came for him to move in he said that my moody behaviour, my pressuring him to move in, gave him pause and made him decide not to do it. A week later he would once again bring up moving back in. And each month when it came near the time when he said he would move in and there was no sign of him actually doing it, he would blame me for why he didn’t. He would tell me I was being selfish and that I didn’t understand how much he worked and how he didn’t have time to move in just because I wanted him to. He said that the more I pushed him the more he would back away and as I didn’t want to lose him I would try to be exactly as he wanted. It has been a constant cycle of him promising me he is going to move in (which to me is a sign of commitment on his part, of saying to the world that he is my boyfriend) and then as the time came nearer for him to do it, things would change and it wouldn’t happen. One day he even pulled his loaded trailer into my driveway ready to move in, but couldn’t do it. We broke up for several hours before he called back saying we had to work something out.
Sometimes we would have a fight and he would say it was over and I was never to contact him again and he was cutting me out of his life and then hours later he would call and say “what are we doing? Let’s stay together.” And just as if he had never said cruel things to me we were still a couple. He is like an addiction to me though. No matter what he says or does or acts I want to be with him. And when he comes back to me every time I feel a sense of worth. “He must truly want me if he doesn’t actually leave. He could move on any time, but he keeps coming back to me to keep the relationship going.” He always initiates, after a fight, us being together and not breaking up.
But despite me craving him like no man before, he is not all kindness and light. He plays mind games and can be sarcastic and cruel. He will tell me that we will be a family (I have kids) and that we will live together forever. And then the next week say that I am putting pressure on him and that I want us to be a family and be married and he isn’t ready for that. One moment he will say how intelligent I am and the next he will say how I really don’t know anything. He will say that he is going to come down and visit me and then at the last minute call and say he cant because of work and I just have to accept it and we may have not seen each other in person for weeks. I have never met any of his friends although he did have me meet his parents within 6 weeks of knowing each other. He has not met my family and is not “ready” to meet them. Even though we have been together for 8 months, due to work and not living close we only see each other maybe every 2-3 or even up to 4 weeks. And if I want to see him more I am being “demanding”. And yet he calls, texts and skypes me every day. So he wants to be in a relationship and says all the time that we are a couple. Although one time he referred to me not as his girlfriend but the woman he fkd. I assumed it was because of his need for privacy and not being open to the world about his private life that he didn’t announce on facebook that he was in a relationship.
We met on a dating site and after initially deleting his original profile under which we met, in the 8 months we have known each other he has created 3 more profiles. Each time I confront him about them he lies about how he must have been hacked or they were from a long time ago etc etc. He would delete them, but then lo and behold a few weeks later he would have another profile. And each one stating that he is single. The latest one I discovered this past weekend (I am not on the dating site but can discover if he has a profile without having one of my own. I no longer trust him regarding the dating sites so sadly do detective work to see if he is being faithful or not). He said he was not interested in anyone on them and I was the only one for him and he didn’t know why he went on them. I think he may be addicted to them. And even if he isn’t meeting up with these woman (or maybe he is), he enjoys having his ego massaged. He enjoys the attention. And yes, he does think he is god’s gift to women, but because of his personality, charm and looks, he does get female attention.
He tells me all the time he is not a cheater, will not cheat on me and I don’t have to worry about that (my ex husband cheated on me). And yet this past week I found some circumstantial evidence, the coincidences too strong not to be believed that he took another woman away for a business trip. I confronted him and he denied it. Said I was crazy. That the other woman was lying because she is also crazy. He repeated that he was not a cheater. And I got sucked back in. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions? He then got angry at me for saying he was cheating on me and told me it was over. Two hours later he called and said he was moving in! And that he would forget about my accusations and that we were really going to be living together. This time it was going to happen (not like the 6 times before!!).
I am at such a state of needing him (emotionally and physically) that I almost think I could live with him even if he had cheated on me. So I told him a condition of him moving in is being faithful. No dating profiles or other women. He agreed. He never confessed to anything but said of course he would be faithful. I told him if he wasn’t I would kick him out. But yet it still seems he is with this other woman and I am beginning to wonder if it isn’t me but my house that he wants so badly. It’s the one thing that he keeps mentioning. Living in my city would be so much better. And we agreed to a really low amount he would pay me to live with me. He could do no better. He could quit the job he hates and live with me cheaply. Tonight I sent an email to the other woman and asked her point blank if they are together. I will see what the answer is. He has already said that she is crazy and lies and says things for reactions so that if she says they are a couple I will doubt her story.
I am sorry this is so long. I didn’t mean it to be. And hope it isn’t just a rambling mess. There has been more, so much more I haven’t added. I am a head case when it comes to him and where I am normally intelligent, my heart just rules. I take whatever crumbs he gives that are good and also take all the bad. And I would never have taken that from any other man. And every time he calls I answer the phone. And I think that if he just moves in then we will be a couple as we should be.
I know you feel you love him, but PLEASE PLEASE cut this loser out of your life. He is totally using you and using the whole, “Let’s move in together” to string you along. And I hate to say this, but he is cheating on you. It may/may not have got physical (he lives in another city and you haven’t seen him weeks at a time so I bet it has) but still the fact that he is putting himself out there (no one hacks another person’s info to create a dating profile). He is not addicted to dating sites, he is just a cheater, plain and simple.
To me, cheating is a dealbreaker. Even if I love the guy (I loved my sociopath but once I had solid evidence I broke it off for good). It hurts like hell I know but you gotta have some self-respect and leave this relationship. Please tell me your kids don’t know about him….think of it this way, if your daughter was going through a similar situation: would you want her to? why/why not? What advice would you give her?
I know it’s not easy to walk away especially when their spell is on you, but you have to!!! If I knew then what I know now, I would have just removed that cancer from my life. I sat there and tried to analyze his behavior and came up with all these excuses for him BUT if I had realized what I was dealing with, I may have left sooner. I dawned on me he was a sociopath when he had no remorse when I found out he was cheating on me. He even blamed me for it. Then I started reading up on antisocial personality disorders and he fit a lot of the criteria for sociopaths and that’s when I knew what I was dealing with. But you, it sounds like you know what you’re dealing with. Please don’t waste anymore of your precious time on him. Delete his number, e-mail, FB, etc and get rid of him!!! You deserve better!!!
I heard from the other woman and yes, she thought she too was in a committed monogamous relationship with him. For about a week I was still messed in the head when it came to him and we had this weird love triangle going. Neither woman could end it with him even knowing what he had done and continued to do and he of course was not going to lose either of his fixes.
But in the end I saw the light. It was a painful experience, but it made me open my eyes to the emotional abuse I had suffered at his hands for months. Like an addiction it is taking me one day at a time to deal with removing him from my life but I am doing it and feel better for it. I see him for what he is and what he will always be.
Sadly, the other woman is still with him and refuses to see him for what he is. But one day it will be her messaging another woman asking her what her relationship is with her boyfriend!
Thank you for responding. Reading the other stories really made me see that I wasn’t alone.
No you are not alone Pickles. You will see stories and comments throughout this website on various posts down the right hand side. Some have a lot of comments and stories on. You are also right, one day in the future it will be her contacting the next woman…. as of course he has told her a lot of lies (almost certain)…. you can do so much better.
Stay strong & consistent!!! If she wants to deal with that BS in her life and be his idiot, good for her. You have more important things to do. Funny because once I found out, I cut all contact (he didn’t have the balls to contact me anyway) but the other woman in my situation didn’t and I wondered why? She told me because she had an alterior motive but I really think he had a hold on her too. It’s amazing how manipulative they are! But, please know you did the right thing!!!! Walk away, better yet….run! Good luck 🙂
I’ve talked to the other woman numerous times now and I actually like her as a person, but she is still in his thrall. I have tried to get her to see the light, but she is not ready to be free of him. I don’t know what it will take with her. But I have warned her over and over about what he is so I have done all I can to help another victim.
I just told her I would be there for her when she needed me.
I am free and happy and that is all that matters. It’s weird that when I was with him and even at the end when I knew how badly he had lied and cheated on me I was still so sure that I needed to be with him. But now, everything is so clear and I can’t imagine how I stayed with him as long as I did with how he treated me.
But hey, he always made sure to tell me that no other man would want me and since being back in the dating scene I can happily conclude that was just another one of his lies. 🙂
Unfortunately, you cannot change anyone else’s thoughts. She will leave when she has had enough.
Ugh. Struggling today and I am angry at myself for feeling that way. Like a car crash I cannot stop looking at the OW’s social media and I see that they are acting all lovey dovey. She’s posting about what an amazing boyfriend he is and he is posting all sorts of sappy things. Things he never would have said to me in public where others could see. He never acknowledged our relationship like that. And while I know he is a sociopath and I know it has to be an act from him I will admit that it still hurts like hell. They got to go on to la la land where everything is happy and rosy and I am left an emotional mess.
I know I dont want him back and I know that their relationship isn’t going to be the one that “cures” him of being a sociopath (I think the OW thinks that he loves her and now that he loves her he has had found the “one” and they will be happily ever after), but I want to see him miserable and suffering like he did to me and he will never get that.
How do I stop myself looking at her social media? It’s almost like I hope to check and see her moaning about what a jerk her boyfriend is, but sadly it’s all been hearts and roses. I know the truth but it doesn’t make me feel any better.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. It sux, I know!!! All you can do is know that it won’t last forever but you need to understand that their relationship is just a façade for him. When she’s gone, there will be somebody else in her shoes and he will be recycling his lies, techniques, and ways. He will always be like this. No one will ever cure him….ever! And unfortunately, there is an abundance of women out there who will fall victim to him because he, like the rest of the sociopaths, know how to pick them and know exactly what to say and do.
The only solid advice I have in terms of looking at their statuses is to block them. If you block them, they can’t look at yours and you can’t look at theirs You will make yourself sick doing so.
Hang in there….one day at a time….you WILL get through it!!!
Seriously!! Dont put yourself through the misery! I have no social media accounts, especially since all of this transpired. Mostly because I dont want him to have ANYTHING on me (pictures, friends, knowing where i am, etc) and i certainly dont want to stumble upon any of his or hers. But yeah, you have to stop putting yourself through that.
I recently had a few conversations with the OW too, and we both found very concrete evidence that he is a complete sex addict and has been cheating and lying with multiple women for years. It was therapeutic to talk to her, but lets not kid ourselves…talking to her is the same as connecting with him. Even though its not him, its still a pretty close link. And the drama continues.
I know I told her multiple times I finally had enough information from her and the scenario to grasp closure and be done forever. She has said the same thing, although they have a mutual child together, so he will have a hold on her in some way, shape or form forever. I find a sick part of me envious of this in some days? And in other moments, incredibly grateful that I get to wash my hands of this and just be done forever. It is a strange feeling though…because we are left wondering, wait, why isnt he fighting for me? Because I know that when I dont hear from him, even though I am doing no contact, it most certainly means he has latched on to someone else, maybe her. The thought that he will never really miss me is a little disheartening…but we have to remember that we made the choices to not have this in our lives anymore. Because all of us have the option and potential to get roped back in. We are just making a conscious effort not to.
I totally get where you guys are coming from. Even though I made the choice to end it with him, it is still like deciding to end an addiction. You know your life is better without it and you know it is just a destructive force, but you still want it all the same. Only time will make a difference.
And yes, I know that his “I’m the best boyfriend in the world” act is just that. The same day he posted on his profile about being in a relationship with her and being all sweet and loving with her, he called me (yes, I know, I am still a work in progress regarding no contact) and asked if we could work things out. If we could have a relationship. If I wanted a future with him. I was so good and strong and said No. He called the next morning but I didn’t answer the phone. For the OW, ignorance is bliss. For me, knowledge is power. The more I know, the easier it is to heal and see the lies for what they are. 🙂
Just wanted to say that today I made the decision to block the OW, or should I say the new victim’s, profile page. I kept looking to see how their lives were and it was just making me doubt myself and my decisions. She is so completely sucked into his act that nothing will help her now. She even wrote,”your sociopath is my forever” which I think is actually kind of scary. So why should I bother. What will be will be but it will not include me in it. And I don’t want him in my life so what does it matter. I know the truth of what he is!
Good for you Pickles!!!! I’m proud of you and please don’t second guess your decision to end things with him, you are saving a lot of valuable time for yourself!!! Did you tell the OW that he’s a sociopath? It’s almost as if she is deliberately putting that up for you, antagonizing you….which I am sure he is just eating that up!!! But now you have the power back, so they can go stick it!!!
And it is totally like an addiction! I can be fine for a few days, then yesterday came and BAM! I’m sitting here reminiscing everything, which makes me depressed. I miss what I thought we had. I miss feeling wanted and loved. It’s hard for me because I really don’t have anything or anyone else to help take my mind off him. I sometimes think I should go back into the dating world as that would give me something else to occupy my mind but I’m still not ready and don’t know when I will be in the foreseeable future. I’m scared shitless of getting into a relationship and getting burned again. I just don’t have it in me to endure yet another disappointment.
Yep Lenore. When I was still talking to the OW I tried to get her to see he was a Sociopath but she just didn’t want to hear it. I posted something on my facebook page the other day, a sarcastic joke about sociopaths, and I know she must have stalked my facebook, because that is when she posted that comment on her page. I have come to the conclusion that nothing I say or do will help so I am moving on and letting her deal with him on her own. He is laying it on thick with her as he doesn’t want to lose his only “fix” now.
But you are right. I still think about our relationship and remember the highs. And just as we are addicted to the sociopath, during the relationship, I think the sociopath is just as addicted to us. We are their obsession. And in a way, it feels good to have someone obsessed with you, to feel you are the most desirable person in the whole wide world.
It is the feeling of being wanted and desired that I miss, but the key is to eventually find it with someone in a HEALTHY relationship. 🙂
Stay strong! We are survivors and deserve better than lies, because I know that even the highs were lies.
Please, open your eyes! It doesnt matter the label, what is truth is that this men is no making you happy and he is abusing your trust
I’ve been on and off with the same guy (sociopath) for going on 6 years now. He broke it off the first time, but one of us always reconnects every few months or so. The times together get shorter and shorter, and worse and worse. I just ended it again yesterday and started the No Contact today. Sometimes I worry that I live in fear of when he’ll manage to contact me next because I always fall for it. I completely agree that it is like a drug and I need my high. I’m trying to be strong this time. Your blogs have brought a lot of clarity on the situation and his disorder. It makes me WANT to stay away and not talk with him. This may have been the final push I needed to get away. 6 years is a long time of abuse and it’s going to take me a while to heal… I feel like I won’t find an amazing love, or that I’m pretty or deserving. But as of today, I’ll be working on changing that viewpoint.
Aw Bluebird – WELL DONE YOU!!! For starting No Contact. Take it ONE DAY at a time. Read as much as you can. Knowledge is power and the truth will set you free. Don’t try to think to far ahead, and keep yourself busy. See this like an addiction have you ever quit smoking? it is exactly the same as that. It might be difficult at first, but it gets better as time goes on.
I’m freaking out a bit today. Everything I read yesterday is really sinking in and I feel like I’m just in shock about everything. It’s all so clear now, there’s a spotlight shined on him and I can see everything he was doing. I’m also mourning the fact that everything was probably all a facade or illusion. It wasn’t love. He didn’t care for me. It wasn’t real.
I’m feeling pretty messed up about relationships today. I went from a controlling ex-husband, to this sociopath for 6 years. How will I ever have a good relationship with someone in the future now?
Hey Bluebird, the answer is to not think about the future. I think staying with the present is the best thing to do. You cannot change the past, and the future – well by making today the best that you can, you can change the future.
The most important thing, is to not rush into another relationship – well I doubt you are. You know, even though you have dated two in a row, this is NOT a reflection on you! How can you know that someone is a pathological liar? They are incredibly good actors.
Also, try not to be scared. I know that this is a normal feeling, I felt this way anyway. this is why I do not focus on sociopaths being ‘evil monsters’ what is the point of that? They just think in a different way, are selfish, opportunistic, and destructive.
The important thing is to focus on YOU. Although I do understand that it is important to read about what has happened to you, but this should help you to realise that it isn’t you…. there is nothing that you could do to change things, and neither could there be change in the future.
My ex-girlfriend was CRAZY. After a year and a half since our breakup I have finally come to the conclussion that she was a sociopath. In the beggining of our relationship it felt like we were living a fantasy. We always hung out and I couldn’t believe that such a charming girl would date me. In matter of fact I remember telling her, “I can’t believe you are dating me, this is a dream.” Little did I know, her tricks were starting! During holidays she would trick me into spending time with her family so I wouldn’t spend time with mine. And when I would ask her to spend time with my family, she would give me an excuse and would tell me, “I think we’re spending to much time together.” or “Our families shouldn’t spend time together because we arn’t married.” She used to yell at me when I would tell her not to speak on the phone while she was driving. She constantly made the decisions on when we would see each other and I felt like I was just following her along. When we broke up it was all of a sudden. I had no feelings left for her and didn’t know what to tell her. I am still in the healing process but am getting there! God Bless this website.
Thank you for your story Derrick, keep going. A relationship like that can take it out of you, emotionally, and spiritually. As each day passes you will grow stronger. You can never change her, but you can change you 🙂
How do you start a ‘no contact’ when you have a child together? He’s always got a reason to have an ‘in’ on my life! Thank The Lord I found this site as it’s an absolute God send. I know I am not a fool and more importantly, I’m not alone.
History: I knew of him when i was in grade school. I found out years later that he was in prison and reached out to him to see how he was doing. We got involved and developed a relationship for the last 2 years of his 10 year sentence ( yes he did 10 years and was 16 when he went in and is now 27)
Anyway while in there i was his everything, he got my name tattooed on his ring finger and i was introduced as the wife to his family and friends. He was always telling me how no one was there for him and i did more than anyone did for him including his family who turned their back on him and friends did the same thing.
When he got home, things were okay for about a month. the reason i say ok is because i immediately noticed that his words from prison wasn’t matching up with his actions. I barely saw him when he came home and he lived right around the corner. Everyone else seemed to come before me. We finally scheduled a date to go see a movie. I was excited about this because I never really got any one on one time with him and was looking forward to this date sowe could really get to know each other. To my dismay, he brings his younger sister. The frustrtation came out at the movies and we got into another argument.
From there, his whole attitude towards me changed. He said that i embarrassed him. He ignored me for 3 days and talked to everyone else but me. Those 3 days were torture for me when we finally got to talk and i apologized, he admitted to knowing that i was hurting and told me that he said to himself “yesss, i am hurting her”
Anyway, it never got any better, he started emotionally abusing me and got very distant. It hurt so bad that i found myself scared of the relationship falling apart. He didnt want me to ask him any questions and got really nasty by telling me that talking to me irritates him and i would ask him if he missed me and he would blow up saying “why would you ask a stupid a** question like that” to him telling me that if i bought up anything about the relationship ending that i should just dead myself and move on with my life. He said that it would be easy for him to do that.
After that little argument, he ignored me for 5 days till i confronted him at his house. He completely disrespected me in front of his family who did nothing and threw the line of lets just be friends. He didnt want me to touch him like i was a disease and he was soo COLD and cruel and emotionless. After he threw that friend line, he turned his back, and walked away waiving never turning back around.
I went home in tears and explained to my mother what happened. She was so furious that she called him up and gave him a piece of her mind. After that he told his family to not talk to me and didnt want anything to do with me. His cousin told me that he told everyone to never say your name in his presence. This hurt me like hell because this was the same man that swore and promised that he would never hurt me or leave me. He made this promise not only to me but to my parents as well.
To add more pain to injury, a former inmate friend of his asked him why he didnt want to be with a woman who was beautiful, educated and loyal and his response was ” Man, I can do better than that.” He said that my ex thinks he is prettier than me. That hurt me to death and shattered my remaining self esteem.
I am still baffled and in shock from all the pain this situation has caused me. He wants nothing to do with me, turned his back on me so easily and is living his life without me. I was the only one there for him and i got treated the worst. How can someone be so vindictive and cold. I thought i was close to his family but they cut me off just as cold and wouldnt help me get any closure. its been over a year and the pain is still unbearable. Any advice or suggestions
I’m so sorry you are going through this Jane! It’s hard to understand. Like you, my sociopath went to prison too. But, I didn’t meet and get together with him until he was released. Funny hearing your story because he always said he hated one of his child’s mother, with a passion. But did say that they were talking before he got out. Then when he was released he quit talking to her and says he hates her. After playing detective, I found an old myspace account of his that he set up while locked up. On his myspace it said how much he loved her and couldn’t wait to see her again. I think he was just using her to a.) kill time in prison and b.) get money from her for commissary?
I know it hurts but you are better off without him. You will find someone someday that will value who you are and will treat you accordingly. Please do not lower yourself and continue to contact him. He is an asshole who doesn’t deserve anymore of your attention. Just walk away and work on yourself. This site has helped me tremendously as well as other books and readings. I’m still not there yet but have made huge progress. You can too!!! Just know in your heart that you don’t need someone like him in your life.
And please please please if he comes crawling back (which is VERY likely that he will) DO NOT entertain the idea or him. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. He is just toying with you!!! He is gauging his power over you. Don’t respond to him, ignore him, get away from him FAST.
I tried to post a comment for “blog ideas” re Sociopathic Widowers. I don’t know if it’s posted but I said I’d write my story to show how low these creeps can sink, and how effectively they can suck you in by “playing the widower card” as a smokescreen. In reality, this brand of sociopath is highly dangerous! The “grief” they carry hides their pent-up anger because their victim got away before he could discard her on his own. My story illustrates this.
I dated this creep, who I will call “A” (hole?) for about 4 years. He said his wife had passed away 2 years before I met him, from lung cancer. He told me (on the second or third date, in a pub) a long, tearful story about his wife being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer two months after they married, and dying a few months later despite his heroic efforts to “save” her. He even quit his fancy high-paying job to become a part-time school bus driver, just to stay home and wait on her hand and foot! A fairy tale marriage, tragically ended by her illness and demise!
White Knight in Shining Armour, right? I sure fell for the story, and felt both sorry for him, and deeply impressed with what a fine and faithful husband he was – so he’d be a great husband for me, right? A assured me that he was serious about finding a new wife to shower with his devotion, and that could be me!
He also went to great lengths to portray an image of a “good” man:
– Strict church attendance every Sunday, though he admitted it only started when his wife was dying
– Obsessively donating to various charities, especially cancer-related and children’s charities, and making sure everyone he met was aware of his generosity – his fridge is plastered with years-old pics of child models from children’s hospital charity ads, and thank-you letters from charities.
It didn’t take long before I fell madly in love with him despite seeing a lot of red flags:
– HUGE anger problem! And every thing he got angry about was someone else’s fault!
– I couldn’t spend an hour with him without hearing some mention of “we” (A and his wife, never A and me) or his Wife.
– The Wife stories started out as worshipful fond memories, but very quickly turned to extremely angry, nasty stories about her (her “crazy” behaviour caused by “her brain tumours”) and her family (“a bunch of freeloading hillbillies”).
– Evidence of online flirting with other women and that he had rejoined the dating site where he had found me, within a month of agreeing to be monogamous with me.
– creepy, overly-friendly behaviour towards female cashiers and waitresses, right in front of me
– little or nothing good to say about prior girlfriends or women in general
– A still wore his wedding ring, and it didn’t come off until we’d been together for nearly two years – then he suddenly pawned it as if it meant nothing. At first I had thought he had been wearing it as a memorial, now I know it was more like a Badge of Victimhood to garner pity from me and the other women he was pursuing. I guess it didn’t work as well as he intended, or I’m sure he’d still be wearing it!
I was weirded out by A’s behaviour and went on “dating a widower” websites and message boards for advice. I was told he was just going through the natural grieving process and that I should cut him some slack, and that the cheating was just normal indecision caused by grief and not being quite ready to commit to someone besides his wife – yet.
But over time more I found more red flags:
– A controlled the progress of the relationship, and that progress was abnormally slow.
– I didn’t meet any of his family until we’d been together 8 months. He’d go to family get-togethers weekly but bringing me was out of the question. When he finally introduced me to them, he got my name wrong!
– It took months before I got to see A’s house, even though he was always bragging about it.
– When I saw the house, it was a mess, there was hardly any furniture, what was there was either old discards or newly-bought, partially assembled and very cheap. But – the walls and tables were covered in wedding mementos, pics, trinkets, photo albums. At the time I thought he was too buried in grief for his late wife to fix up his house, especially after hearing the “reason” it was this way.
– He blamed his late wife’s family for “stealing all that he had” after falsely accusing him “out of the blue” of beating her, then having him banned from his own house for 2 months. A insisted that his wife had nothing to do with making these accusations.
– He said he didn’t find out about her death until months afterward, and didn’t even know where she was buried – all because of her Evil Family trying to keep the two lovebirds apart! He was just the poor, innocent, faithful, grieving widower whose beloved dying wife was ripped from his arms – along with most of his material possessions!
– A’s stories didn’t make sense to me, but he’d fly into a rage when questioned.
I found it easier to believe than question the stories, and felt even more sorry for him, thinking of A’s late wife as a thieving, lying gold-digger who just wanted A for all the money he supposedly had!
Sadly, I couldn’t see how creepy it was that he spent hours ranting to me about the STUFF that was “stolen from him”, and very little time bemoaning the loss of his supposedly beloved WIFE!
A manipulated me to be jealous of his late wife, and obsessed with him. He put her on a high pedestal, while refusing to tell me he loved me, and made it clear that this was because I hadn’t “earned” it in some way – the way his wife had. He made sure I knew about lovely romantic things they did together, but he never did any of them with me. The harder I tried to “earn” his love, the higher the bar was raised. His constant cheating was another means he used to keep me jealous and obsessed. He even told my pets he loved them, every day – but not me – not once in four years together!
Yet at other times (red flag) A would refer to his late wife as a “crazy bitch” who physically attacked him for no reason and constantly shrieked accusations of cheating whenever she found him in contact with another woman. If I did something that provoked him (such as confront him with evidence of cheating that I’d found), he’d compare me to her, while threatening or physically attacking ME.
This was opposite to what I knew of abusive psychopaths, who normally act jealous and obsessed with their current target, telling her constantly “I love you” etc. I had been in that kind of relationship before. So when A acted the opposite, I was fooled into thinking that I was the problem this time, and that I wasn’t doing enough to “help him” get over his grief and fall in love with me!
Here’s the truth that I eventually pieced together from things I found, stories from his family and things he said (and often later denied):
– He sucked his wife in via a long-distance relationship. They got to know each other via email and text chat. They never spent any real time together until she moved in when they married.
– She was the one with the money. To this day A is collecting her pension from the high-paying job she left to be with him! (He is still driving a school bus and says he has little spending money – why?)
– He would NEVER marry me or anyone else – because he’d lose that pension and the spousal survivor benefit, which is a big chunk of his income!
– All of the “stolen” household items were actually hers, which she took back when she left.
– A was living with his parents (in his fifties, with a well-paid job?) and had nothing of his own when he met her
– He cheated on his wife with various women from Day One, she caught and accused him, and he beat her physically, as well as emotionally I’m sure. He even came on to his wife’s sister in front of her (he admitted this but says he did it to punish his wife for getting drunk that day!)
– A beat his wife even while she was dying, weak, having seizures, and had no hair left (he admitted to “slapping her so hard her wig flew off”, then denied it later).
– Before physically leaving, the late wife tried to escape the situation with various means: alcohol, gambling websites, buying lottery tickets. I did similar, becoming a full-blown alcoholic while with A. I’m now 2 years sober.
– While A was away on his two-month “vacation” he hired a lawyer and made plans to divorce her, as well as take her to court for the utility bills for the 2 months he was away! But she got away first.
– I found a copy of her obituary that A had saved- it was under her maiden name, and there was not one mention of him or her marriage to him. It did mention two prior husbands, though.
– A only found out by accident from an insurance adjuster that she had died, months after the fact. This enrages him almost as much as the loss of “his” precious stuff.
I suspect that A’s obsession with his late wife has nothing to do with love, and more to do with the fact that she managed to escape him before he could ditch her. Sociopaths can’t stand to lose, and if they do, they must be able to take revenge!
The worst part for A is that he can’t take revenge on the dead. He doesn’t even know where to find her grave to spit on. To this day, however, he rants about “going to see her family with a gun”.
With all that pent-up rage inside, where do you think he’s going to take his revenge? On the next victim… as he did with me!
I finally got sick of waiting for A to magically change from the jerk he really was to the White Knight I thought he was at the beginning, and to hear those three magic words from him. At the same time I put the facts together as I described here. I saw him differently, and gradually started refusing to wait on him and beg for his love. He didn’t care: he was already dating others behind my back. So I was able to get out pretty easily, a couple of months ago. I’m still hurting, but it’s getting better now and I’m in counselling.
I’m not feeling very strong today. It’s been a crazy day with a little bit of a family emergency. I just want to run to him and ask him to hold me. I did really good last week, but now I’m starting to question myself and if he’s really as bad as I thought. I’ll do my best to stay strong tonight and comfort myself (probably with food, ugh). I know it won’t help any to contact him. I just missing having someone there to lean on. It helps to know you are all out there with me.
I cant believe that there are so many people in the same position as me. I only realised he is a sociopath a couple of weeks ago, but I am glad I found out after 2 years of staying with him. I have read this morning that everything he said, did or otherwise was contrived and planned and quite honestly I do feel a little bit like vomitting at this moment. He was controlling – if he didnt like what I was wearing which was most days, he would start an argument, I dont think whatever I wore would have been right because it wasnt about the clothes it was about controlling me. He started an argument if I wanted to see my family or friends so in the end I became beaten down and only saw my family occasionally, and lost many of my friends. he stole from me, he was violent towards me and he was addicted to any substance available on the open market. I was frightened, anxious, agitated for most of the time I was with him. And the most manipulative act he did was leave his bags packed for the whole time he lived with me. He said it was because I might want him to leave, but now I know it was to scare me that he would leave me again, which he did at the start of our relationship. When I think back to the beginning I can see just how manipulative he was. He not only stole from me but he also borrowed money that he never paid back, I am about 2k down from when I first met him. He attacked me and stopped me from leaving the room, I ended up bruised and battered, made him leave, and reported him to the police. I had to give a statement, and they took photographs of the bruises. He was arrested, and when they had finished they phoned me up accusing me of being the one who was violent and not him. I couldnt believe it but that is the nature of a sociopath, blame, shame and frame.
Ugh…. it really is a joke how you are the innocent party, and yet they can turn the situation around on you. Unbelievable, but the mind of a sociopath.
Dating a Sociopath 
For the past five years, I have known and loved a man who is incapable of feeling guilt, remorse or empathy. He is generally cunning, manipulative and knows the difference between right and wrong but dismisses it when applying it to himself. He is incapable of normal emotions such as love, and reacts without considering the consequences of his actions. He does not feel it necessary to leave any woman with a sense of closure, and chooses to walk away, leaving them shocked and confused… me, being on the of them .
Five years ago, I had an extremely happy, well-needed, yet very erotic affair that lasted a year, and, of course, I fell in love. This affair consisted of texting, chatting online, e-mails, talking on the phone, and once-a-week sex for a whole year. Sometimes, the sex would occur more than once a week. For the initial nine months, chance meetings also occurred in parks or at the canal. These visits took place during his work lunch breaks, at night after work or during the day on weekends. These meetings were my favorite times with him because I got to keep my clothes on, so they made me feel like a real person, and I thought, at the time, that he really had feelings for me — me, the person, not just me, his source for sex.
After the initial nine months, the chance meetings stopped, but the once-a-week sex remains. Now our affair consists of phone calls, texts, e-mails, chats online and sex. That’s it. No more keeping my clothes on. This goes on from mid-December to March 3, when he asks me to leave my husband.
Now I am a romantic, but I am a realist too. My heart and my mind are always on a battlefield together, but there is always a winner. Realistically speaking, I was his lover… not his wife, not his girlfriend in public… nothing but a mistress behind closed doors. What did I really know of him? …drinks at a bar and whole lot of sex. Is this relationship the kind of relationship that would make me leave my wonderful life? Did I know how he woke up in the morning? …how much he drank when I wasn’t around? …his work ethic around the house? …if he was independent, self-sufficient, moody? What was he like in front of other people? Would he have fit it in my world with my colleagues and with my friends? What kind of father was he? How would he and my son get along?. Does he clean the toilet? Does he fart to the point of having skidmarks in his underwear? These are things we women have to know! I honestly don’t know what kind of woman he thought I was… a woman that did all her thinking through her vagina?
Because of who I am, an extremely analytically-thinking person, I need answers. From the time I started losing him, and this was months before he even asked me to leave my husband, I was sad inside because he was changing slowly, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt as women in love often do. During all of this, he was going through a divorce, had to deal with finances, his kids, and a demanding job. So instead of being in the forefront of his life as I was initially, I sat back and watched as I became part of the background, and I saw him slowly demolish our relationship. I knew it was happening, but I refused to add anymore stress to our already stressful lives, so I kept on loving him, stood by his side and waited for the ball to drop. There was no sense in becoming desperate, mistrusting or fighting. I have learned this long ago. It was better to enjoy the remaining time I had left with him, and remove myself from his drama than to become a part of his madness.
So, I sat back and waited while he started to become an entirely different man with me. He distanced himself from me, would not answer my questions, and watched me suffer for almost two months, until I finally realized that no one had the right to treat me like this, so I threw a wrench in it to see if he truly had any feelings for me, and I shut him off of the sex. It was then that he turned downright nasty. I had no choice but to give him what he wanted, and we had the only fight we ever had, and I left, and I never saw him again for a couple of years.
There comes a point where I realized that the only one that was going to have any respect for me, was me. Here it is, years later, and I realize now that he forced me out of his life. He has come up with numerous reasons why, but the long and short of it is … he had a new source for sex. Men like this never get rid of any source until they have a new one. They get bored easily, and they never stop looking. Of course the internet has now made it so much easier to accomplish this. Keep in mind here that it wasn’t until almost four years later that I understood exactly who he is and what really happened with us.
A YEAR after the break up, I wrote him to get everything off my chest. Mistake! I received the most scathing e-mail in return that I have ever received in my life from anyone. You cannot confront him. He will dance around the issue, always blame it on you somehow, or blame it on someone: his ex-wife, his current wife… anyone. If you corner him, trap him or ask him point blank questions that he doesn’t want to answer, he will turn into a caged animal and fight back with his words in the most horrific way. The reason for this scathing e-mail is because he was happy with his new source for sex, he no longer needed me, and he didn’t want me to disturb his new-found happiness. It is only now that I realize that it is the “new” thrill that always motivates him.
TWO YEARS GO BY… At this time, I am still hanging in space, still wondering why he walked away and still wanting answers. He contacts me, apologizing for the last night we are together. I remain civil to him because any other emotion will anger him. We chit chat about things, and I let him apologize. I hang up thinking, “He is apologizing for the last night we were together? What about all of his actions prior to that night?” And I laughed. It is now that I have started to put two and two together.
I am intelligent, nut my mind is so very different from my heart. I still want to believe that this man was inherently good, so I sit and wait… patience is a virtue you know. I am still praying to God here — always wondering where is the man that I met? He has to be in there somewhere, and my heart gives the mind excuses and justifications for still loving him. “Maybe he is realizing he made a mistake.” But the heart and mind are bickering, and the mind is telling me, “Something is not right? Maybe he is not getting along with his new woman, and he is looking for another affair.” Drat, that mind! I can never get it to keep quiet!
Now starts contact between us via e-mail, and a texts once in a while.. And please keep in mind that every so often, I am still receiving , “I love you”, from him in writing, and of course I am still trying to see him, because even if we can’t be lovers, I missed my friend terribly. So, I am not out of the woods yet.
THREE YEARS GO BY, and in January, we have a phone conversation that lasts for hour and a half. His version of the truth comes out. He was crestfallen and heartbroken that I wouldn’t leave my husband for him. Okay… stop laughing. Really, this is what he said! The very first week of our relationship, this was my only request of him: Neither of us was to ever ask the other to leave our spouse. It had to come naturally. If it doesn’t, then one will always resent the other if it doesn’t work out between them. He used the one and only thing I asked him not to do. Because it was the excuse he needed to leave and blame me.
Now comes the best part of the conversation. I asked him why he kept me around for another couple of months after asking me to leave my husband, and he answered it truthfully, “for the sex”. Once again, I acted with no emotion as he went on to take the blame; and that he was selfish; and that he was the one that threw us away, and so on and so forth. I kept on talking to him for a few minutes, but I don’t remember anymore of the conversation as it was difficult to keep my composure. I hung up the phone, and cried so hard that I am thankful that I was alone that day. But now that my head has cleared, I think very differently. “Oh, the poor thing… I broke his heart so badly that no other part of his body could work any longer except his penis.”
Throughout the course of the past two years of contact, I had to figure out ways of dealing with this man in my efforts to understand him, and to figure out why he treated me the way that he did so long ago. He took full blame for our break up in that phone call a year ago, and just a couple months ago, it once again, became my fault. I was angry at this at first, and then when my head cleared, again, all I could do was laugh. This man fluctuates between right and wrong all the time, and always without a winner. But now he is slowly but surely shredding apart everything I ever thought of him, and he no longer cares. He now blurts out all his forms of debauchery, adding crudity, selfishness, sexual and womanizing remarks. All respect for me is gone.
I have been trying to find that sweet, funny, respectful, friend of mine for four years now. He didn’t have to be my lover, my boyfriend or anything. All I wanted of him was to be was the man I once remembered him to be. And I have tried writing/texting everything to him: love, humor, chit-chat, more love and support, and then I even stooped so low as to even talk about our past sex life at times to try to see some semblance of the man I once knew. I guess I did this because I knew it was the only thing that would arouse him and hold his interest. But in the end, nothing worked. The sex talk only made him excited, and maybe hopeful that he would get me back in bed some day. I realized that I was only holding his attention through sex, which, come to think of it, may be the only way I held his attention throughout my entire relationship with him, only back then, I didn’t know it.
Sometimes, he would respond to my writings with love also, but he would always go back to the man he is today… the man that makes me cringe sometimes. But thank god he never sees this as it is behind a PC screen or a phone screen. He has become nothing like the man I remember, and truth be told, I would never go out with the man he is today. I have and still snub men like him… men that don’t treat me with the respect I deserve. The day has come for me to finally give up, and it is the day that I finally realized that I will never see the man I once thought so highly of again. He has disintegrated off the face of the earth.
Throughout the course of love and time, I had to teach myself to be brave. Brave enough to hold on when things went wrong, brave enough, because it was an affair, to hold all my emotions inside of me, and then finally, be brave enough to finally let go when he slowly but surely revealed himself to me.
It was such a long road for me, and one of the worst experiences of my life, and all because of the man he portrayed himself to be for me. Even with all that I know of him today, I still miss that man. I had hope for the first time in 20 or so years, and I had blind faith and trust in that man.
The very last night we were together, and fought, my last words to him were, “Don’t you know what love is?” And he answered, “I thought I did with Mary Jane”, who was his girlfriend right after high school. That was 30 or more years ago! You cannot imagine how I felt after spending a year of my life with this man. I couldn’t speak. I looked out the window of his car for a minute, so he couldn’t see my face, but I could not control the tears, so I had to go. I lifted up the door handle and left. Here it is five years later, and I can’t believe how right on the money I was back then: He doesn’t know what love is.
But now I feel the exhilaration and the thrill of freedom to finally be able to let go of things that were out of my control, and this has made me become, once again, the happy-go-lucky woman I was before I met him, but from this experience, I am now an even better woman.
It is ironic that I once found this freedom with him, and now I find it again, being free of him. Maybe this is one of the lessons? I have been struggling to try to find the lessons learned ever since he told me his version of the truth, and how he used me. But I suppose that will come in time. Maybe it was patience. I had to have patience that some day I would find out everything on my own, but I know that it is much deeper than that. As my mind becomes more clear every day, I know I will have the answers soon enough.
Do I still love the man that I thought he was? Yes, and I probably always will, but I know that he wasn’t real. Mainly, I think only of how I felt at the time… the feeling of being in love, and how wonderful the world looked to me back then. So I guess it is the way he made me feel that will remain with me, and that is a good thing. I should never forget my own feelings.
It’s unfortunate that he will never realize that in order to love anyone, you have to love yourself first and foremost; and I know from being with him that this was tough for him to do. I tried to build him up, get to have confidence and to try and be a stand up guy, but my efforts failed. Without love for yourself, you cannot possibly love anyone else. I am probably one of the few people that know there is an inner sadness in him, and I tried my best to make him happy, but it is up to him. You can never rely on anyone for your own happiness.
I think sometimes that it may be possible he understands just how different he is from other people, but the old adage applies here… “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make ’em drink”. Then, I suppose, there are other times when he is quite happy with himself. Who knows? I don’t feel sorry for him because he doesn’t know what it is like to have all that he is missing.
Because I still want to see some goodness in him, at the very least, I can commend him for trying to be the man he thought I wanted, which is someone just like me. He knew he couldn’t do it any longer because he had another source for sex waiting in the wings, so he devised a way to get out of the relationship and yet still have the ability to blame it on me. I don’t care anymore. If it makes him feel better about himself to blame me, then he can. But everyone knows when dealing with this type of person, you will never, ever get any closure. They walk away to keep it open-ended, so that they can always keep you on the back burner.
I have written to this man more than anyone else in my life, although he hasn’t received one-tenth of what I have written. In the last few months, he has become callous, disrespectful but mostly lewd… taking away the classy… mysteriously sexy and erotic man that I knew. I guess because he knew that this would bother me. He was waffling back and forth, contradicting himself often… almost confused about how to act with me. It seems as though half of him is still trying hard to have sex with me again, and the other half of him knows that it is a lost cause and doesn’t care what he says to me. It is often comical to see him struggle with this. Today, he has finally given up his cause with me. He doesn’t contact me anymore. Funny how he wanted me to have my morals and scruples, but now, he doesn’t care… he just wants the sex!
Here is the last thing I wrote to him, but, as usual, I never sent it.
Well, I have read a lot about you. I knew that some day you would ignore me and have no use for me anymore. You can’t even be friends with me. It’s okay. I understand. I know who you are now, and how you will react to just about anything. now. I know too much.
I often wonder why you revealed so much to me. I guess maybe you thought it was time… time for me to know that the man I knew was a fake and a phony, or you have given up the fight to get me back in bed with you. I think it is the latter…
My memories are finally just memories… memories that have joined the rest of my memories. It is those memories that have made my life exciting and most of all, they have made me grateful… grateful for all my experiences, for my wonderful life and grateful to be alive. I am most grateful for being raised the way I was… to have self esteem, to be a good person, to believe in love no matter what happens, and most of all to have the common sense to know what is best for me. Without this, I may have ended up with this man, and my life would have been a disaster.
It feels so damn good to have my mind and my heart free once again. The intense sadness and confusion that I have felt inside for years is finally gone. I can breathe again, and a weight has been lifted.
I have to thank myself for having the tenacity to exercise so much patience in my efforts to find the truth, and I guess I can thank this man for being callous enough towards me to stop hiding and finally show himself, and thank you God, most of all, for answering my prayers. All I ever wanted to know was the truth.
…and the truth shall set you free.
I should add here: If it wasn’t for you Nikki, I would have never, ever known about these people. I would have never understood what happened, and it would have taken me much longer to move on. Thank you so very much for helping all of us, and letting us know that we are not alone.
You are welcome Cindy I had meant to come back to your post, I am sorry I haven’t yet. At the time when you wrote it I had a lot going on. I do hope that what I write helps you. It is good to know that you are not alone. Whilst you hurt, others hurt too. I hope that with healing will bring peace, after understanding, and in the future, somebody who is more stable into your life.
My eyes are exhausted from reading so many accounts. A man I dated left me not knowing who to reach out to. This man disrupted my entire family, so there is no support system period. Its as if he sought out to destroy all that was important to me and my life w family. He did vile things, using my mind, body as some science project. Much to be said for hindsight being 20/20. If I’d followed my gut, my intuition, from beginning. Instead, I followed my heart…which I was always good at. I have a background, or did, in mental health, as a registered nurse. I was at very vulnerable point in my life anyway, so that, and sociopaths being so good at what they do…likely would not have mattered. They seek out the big-hearted, immediately targeting in on any vulnerability. Though, I don’t need to tell you any of this. Truthfully, I am desperate for help… someone who understands, is available, wont chalk you up as crazy and any ideas on where to seek help. I live in southern Illinois…a very rural area and its hard finding proper help. Ordeal has left me anxiety stricken, isolated from family and friends and emotionally frozen. Like symptoms of P.T.S.D. But I have passion, great passion to live again and help others. If you know of anybody or have any ideas Id be very grateful. Only reason haven’t left this area is because as mentioned I’ve been locked up suppressing it far too long, and seems this ex managed to use my family and anyone necessary as some pawn in order to destroy me. Things he did I become afraid to mention bc for months no one listened. This ex did everything right and sadly ppl needed most… family, and even others either liked all that this ex would do for them, or refused to get in middle of it. I’m at a loss. And at 43, I’m scared I’ll never get life back without intervention/support. And, I can’t settle for this. Its not me. Or wasn’t before he came into life. He’s gone but I don’t trust he is fully.
If your gut instinct says he isn’t gone…. you are probably right. As they do have a tendency to creep back into your life once the dust has settled or they have run out of supply elsewhere. they always keep a source of supply. So, keep your guard and stick to no contact. Its nice to meet you anyway 🙂
I wish I’d known about you poitivagirl 3 years ago, he would not be with me now. This blog has been a revelation. Yes I’m still with him although he’s at a party and of course missing me and telling me he loves me standard stuff. I dont’ love him. When the scales have fallen from your eyes and you see the father of your cherished only son for what he is,a shallow sly manipulative charming charismatic crazy man. it is time to be very calm resourceful and determined to seek the best for our lad. I’m on anti depressants and my head is in a much better place, I’m getting stronger and happier and so aware of him and his condition I study him and always smile as I know. I’m definately going to see my solicitors so slowly slowly things will be sorted. The counselling I’m receiving has been great and knowledge is power. thank you Nikki
Do you have a plan to leave liberty? I am so happy to read that you are getting support, and counselling, that will help you. Try to build up support around you. it is interesting how you see things so clearly once you know. Have you told your counsellor that you think he is a sociopath?
My story . . . My life hit a low a few months ago for these reasons: I moved to escape a crazy neighbor; a family member who is a an addict did something terrible and wreaked havoc on several lives; I got sick, dealt with several snow major storms and a hurricane (starting a few days after I moved), and my car was hit by person who fell asleep at the wheel. I ended up with a back injury, sitting in the hospital, thinking of the really wonderful, kind guy I had met a few weeks before at a coffee shop where several of us met each week after a support group meeting.
While at the coffee shop I looked up and there was this aggressive, arrogant jerk sitting across the table, staring intensely at me (gee – the “predatory stare”). He insisted I was going to going riding with him on his motorcycle, and I told him “NO.” He was a fireman/paramedic and a builder on his time off, so I took his number and called him a week later for estimate of work – my home is a fixer-upper and I’m practical. I wasn’t attracted to him, but somehow he changed into Mr. Nice. We talked. He texted me several times a day, photos, kind messages. He plowed my driveway, fixed my door (at no cost), rescued me from nearly freezing to death after being w/out power for days after a blizzard (no food, no heat, no shower, etc.), held the door open, helped me to get my coat on, and oh so kind. A couple of days after the blizzard when he plowed my driveway, he brought me to his home which had a generator, heat, and hamburgers. I was at my lowest, a starving, cold, dirty dog & finally started to really like him despite my initial misgivings about him.
Another storm, and suddenly he couldn’t plow because he went on vacation to the Carribbean with his daughter (he really was). I was in the car accident that week, and while sitting in the hospital realized I was in love. Thought for sure he’d at least text, but nothing. He returned and we finally got involved and the kindness continued, but suddenly he was free with spending my money on new appliances for my kitchen. He was practically living with me despite having a nice home of his own. He kept volunteering to do fixer-upper projects in my home; I’d buy supplies & suddenly his schedule would change.
The gaslighting started. He had periods of “withdrawal,” ever so slightly cutting comments, the texts weren’t as frequent, all punctuated by bouts of loving smiles and “I love you. You mean so much to me. I feel like we’re soul mates.” He stoppped staying overnight at my housebecause it was inconvenient given his work schedule. He would also ask, “why don’t you call me? or text me?” When I did fall for that one, he either didn’t return the call or text, or was cold, or said he had to go sleep. One night he gave me a choice of eating dinner at his house or that he’d bring dinner to my house. I opted to eat at his house. He then promptly scoleded for making that choice, and that I should have known he wanted to bring the food to my house. It was like he was keeping score of how many times he could “one-up” me. The soul mate thing didn’t work, as I’m rather analytical, so there were suddenly freaky, “coincidental” bouts of “I’m thinking the same thing as you,” or “we’re so well matched, we even walk alike!” Oh wow, “we both like peanut M&Ms.” “Amazing, our all time favorite movie is “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”
Then, ah, the other women. Oh, he ‘s perceived in the community as Mr Nice, Mr Faithful, Mr. one-woman man, but he certainly like to give younger versions of me the predatory stare, and attended a local support group meeting which had a group of women who adored him, eps. one young newly divorced female who sat there crying. No one believed me . . . said I was insecure, but you had to see him in action. He started to show an angry side, a cold side and not the nice person I had fallen for . .. again, no one believed me and accused me of being phobic about relationships. I felt like an object, a spoke in the wheel of his truck, compartmentalized. I didn’t get angry for fear of being seen as insecure or clingy. I caught him in minor lies. My fHe shoved me away from him one time (I was leaning on him while standing in line in public). He erupted screaming the last day of a vacation we took in the Florida keys, and later blamed me because it was so hard to focus on me duing the vacation while having to deal with his child custody fight being waged against the ex-girlfriend/mother of his child.I had begun to feel anxiety-ridden, to the point that I had weird feelings of being in danger, and wanted to crawl out of my skin to escape the fear and anxiety.
He was very busy obsessing and spending thousands to fight the ex-girlfriend over custody of their child. Would drive by theirr house & slow down to look .Gosh, there’s so much more – it got worse . . . more withdrawals, more of “I love you,” He was cheap too. Promised so much . It only lasted three & a 1/2 months. I broke it off two weeks ago when it was obvious something was up. I had stayed at his house, he told me how much he loved me,asked me to move inwith him, took off for work (he was suddenly obsessed with allegedly working both jobs every day, nearly 24/7). We made plans for a walk & dinner that night. Later, he tried to worm his way out of it with a weird story and an “I’ll talk to you later” which I had Iearned by then meant he wasn’t going to talk later in most cases. I to He came over to dinner, but it was weird. I asked what was going on that day, then again the next. He got angry, then calmed down and oh so nicely said “let’s meet at the fire station, talk, & have dinner. I broke it off. He was up to something, and I’m at a point in life that I’ve had enough of this crap. this site helped me immensely. My mother has a degree in psychology & said he is a sociopath. Luckily, that is the end. He isn’t stalking (too busy harrassing the ex), and I cut him out of my life before there was more financial damage. he can’t afford his house due to all of his legal expenses, so I think he wanted me for both sex and to get me to sell my home & move the equity into his home.
PS, I think he is up to something else. Not sure what it is – just a feeling – something not good and nothing to do with me, but this is only a feeling. No proof.
lost puppy May 15, 3:56 am
Hello, I replied to a comment earlier without even introducing myself. I chose the name lost puppy because I thought it would be the only comment I left here, the dog analogy hit me like a ton of bricks. I have visited many sites and read many blogs, your blog is the most connected I have felt in my isolated world. I seem to be struggling, going back and forth between is he the N Spath or am I. Then I find myself crying and remember when I asked him (on repeated occasions) to explain his apologies for cheating repeatedly, going to strip clubs while “working” on us, for calling me horrible names only to call me them again soon after the apologies, for making and calling me crazy/insane/psycho when I accused him of the “truth”, for giving me access to accounts/passwords only to enable/disable as punishment for asking the very thing I’m talking about here now, to explain his apologies, “with feeling, honest emotion”. The silence, followed by the words, “I got Nothing” so matter of fact, is the constant I hold on to. The anger/rage, twisting, deflecting and blaming if I pushed for more. This is the mild stuff I endured because I let him back in while I was still making excuses and actually trying to figure out how to better deal with someone who has ADHD and I must be Bipolar like he says. All this ‘trying to fix’ myself led me to the truth. The worst of it all came after my Mom 10-2012 and my cousin 02-2013, who is a brother to me, suddenly passed away. How could someone be so cold and intentionally cruel? My defenses were down and I couldn’t hide from the truth. I watched the mask not just slip but fall right off. The devil showed his horns, to not just me but my children. My life has been threatened, I believe he messed with mine and my daughters cars with intent to harm. It has been and still is a scary ride.
Sorry so long, though I imagine you all know that is just a tiny bit of my story. Our story.
First, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul. To not feel crazy, is freedom.
Second and most importantly, Reading all of the above, I realized for the first time in 9 yrs that I was his, “look at the woman I am with” to make the other jealous. The hold he had to stay in her life was a son, that he obviously had no real emotions for. And that FAKE LAUGH! Oh, how I hated it! As though he was enjoying him when he thought someone was watching. I was the mirror to make her jealous. That is why he kept me for so long and grew distant, increasing the manipulations between his family and I after she “convinced” him to sign over his rights. I thought she was cold and calculating as a person. I saw what he wanted me to see. She knew the truth.
From Rob
Rob May 17, 9:41 pm
Hi I feel slightly on my own because as a guy i’ve just come out of a one and a half year relationship with a Sociopath girl. Its weird reading all these true stories from a female perspective when to be honest its so similar. I had the whole story of soul mates and marriage and kids (she even had the boys and girls name). At the start she totally bombarded me with texts and phone calls saying how wonderful I was and how much she loved been with me.This soon went to us spending all are time together and her seducing me majorly (im so angry with myself for this but she was gorgeous and im a guy poor excuse I know) I was not even convinced with her I had all the gut feelings you talk of but she won me over after a few weeks and just told me we were a couple. After a while I realized she had told me lots of lies ranging from having her own flat (lived with parents) to been at uni doing photography (was younger at college) lied about her age and She had a different first name. The stuff they lie about is so silly I wouldn’t of even cared? By the time i found out about these lies I was in to deep. She declared her love for me after telling me she had been raped before and badly treated as a kid. How she told me she loved me was so convincing it was like something out of a film (makes sense) I really started to love her. Anyway she seemed perfect for a few months was sweet, caring, amazing sex etc. Then we got a flat together which I basically paid everything for (she got away with this as was young and had no money) Then she got a job and seemed to resent paying for anything. In the next four months she had three jobs she didn’t seem to be able to keep them. After spending like £1000 a month on rent and bills i think she began to look for someone else after i could no longer buy her much Out of the blue she said she wanted a few days alone to think if she wanted to stay with me (just the day before we were buying clothes for our holiday and i was trying to get a mortgage which she was excited by). I agreed to stay at my parents. She was still seeing me in the day time letting me take her for lunch and teaching her to drive. I know no at the night time she had some guy she had just met in her new job staying in my flat. I thought something was wrong after two nights I drove to flat to check. She said she was having a night in with a GF. I got there and she was out but a guys bag was in the flat. She had obviously dressed up and used all her expensive makeup i got her and was out. She was txting me at this moment telling me she loved me and missed me. When i didn’t txt back she must of thought something was up and came home. He was hiding around the corner. She knew the game was up there was no sorry or been upset she actually looked at me and said “i guess its over” looked at the guy laughed and walked off (not before i took her key). Im not joking she gave me this evil stare it was like she was the devil seriously. After a year and a half of literally every day and night together she did this without a concern in the world. I had noticed the odd weird txt from guys on her phone but nothing to bad she just said it was work people swapping shifts which is crap. In fact all she did was text me the next day asking for her stuff and then she actually wanted the £150 she had paid for our holiday (id lost hundreds on this plus now had a flat i didn’t want a numerous bills im stuck with Then the next day she said she had spoken to the police and if i didn’t give her all the stuff id bought her id get a criminal record (all lies she didn’t speak to them) There has been no contact since i blocked her on fb and her number. She has not tried to contact me which seems different to most people on here. What i don’t understand is the guy she went with has way less money then me doesn’t have a car or his own flat etc so it seems weird they don’t target someone better. Its now been a month and im proud ive not rang her once its so hard. I no how lame it is but sometimes all i want is to hear her voice and go back to one month ago. These people are sick i didn’t no what a sociopath was before and i wish i had known looking back there are so many signs i failed to stop its kinda embarrassing really. She has every sign possible that she is a sociopath except been violent. She thinks she is amazing and its never her fault. Im convinced she has no conscious at all and has no care for anyone in the world (she once said “people just use each other for what they want”) My parents were there then we all looked at each other in amazement). She has no friends and is a loner even though is so charismatic. I even realize now every time she went to get a drink at the bar etc she was flirting with the male staff) The last month has been the worse of my life i thought i had my life partner it is was all a lie. I don’t know how people get through this who were together for ten years married with kids everyone on this site is such a inspiration. Its so hard when you cant talk to people about it because they just think your bitter that your ex cheated etc. Its going to be so hard in the next relationship i realize these people are sick but they make you feel so good at the start! (sorry how long this is needed to type i think)
Rob
I think it might help if you can realize that the person you fell in love with was a fake. What they presented to you was a facade, not who they really are. Realizing that is what helped me to get over my husband after he found his next source of supply. The man I fell in love with wasn’t real and the man I found him now to be was someone I didn’t want to be around. Stay strong because if you go back, you’ll only get hurt again. I wish you the best.
Thanks Kimmi,
I agree, that if you return you only set yourself up for yet more pain. As they can’t change. Won’t change. And if they can’t get what they want from you. They will go elsewhere to get it.
Thanks for your kind words. I do keep trying to tell myself she was a fake and to think how horrible she was at the end. I guess its human nature to start thinking of the “good times” though which I know are not real. Its such a hard and horrible thing to think the person you slept next to everynight wasnt real it actually freaks me out. I will not go back i can see how people do but i think once uve been crossed you can never trust again anway! I actually read a article in the daily mail like 2 weeks before all this happened and thought what a silly women it would be obviouse if someone was a sociopath. Haha the jokes on me 🙂
You need to stay strong. Yes, it is disallusioning to see that what you thought you were in love with is nothing but a liar, manipulator and corrupt soul.
I was married to one for 11 years, and he slowly turned into Dorian Grey.
He appeared to love me and adore me out in public, but at home , he was hateful,
angry, rage that used me to move up the food chain at work. He used my good will in the community, my reputation, my money. He will find someone else to snack on as there are so many lonely people looking for Mr Right…and he looks the part.
But you know better, don’t go back , dont look back, and don’t shed any tears over evil. Let Evil walk out of your life…and be free!
No more shackles , no more pain…my story is realy crazy…
By the end of it 3 months ago, he was a blithering mess of anger , rage, hate, and I kicked out of the house. One thing to liberate yourself is to tell the story in your circle of friends, so they know what a hell you were in. i kept all the pain and sadness in, and to expose him out in my community as I have been doing gives me relief. Lightens me up, give away the pain , don’t hold it in, don’t be emabarressed, or ashamed that you were fooled. I felt fooled…I felt blind, I felt used, and sad.
Sad for lost time….
Give it away, and enjoy the moment of every day! Each day is a gift that God bestows, and now we live it in a way that is good to you and to others.
We all escaped a bullet, by the grace of God.
I met Joe in August of 2010. He was a widower of 6 months and I was a widow for the same amount of time. We met online and he began calling within a week and we started dating about a week after that. He claimed to be a Christian like myself and seemed to exhibit the faith pretty well. He had 8 kids (4 were out on their own and 4 at home) and his wife had died of lung issues she had been fighting pretty much her whole life. Things moved quickly and within a month we decided we wanted to get married. He supposedly worked as a computer wire installer and that December he was supposedly laid off. So were a lot of other people so it didn’t cause me to raise an eyebrow. He applied for unemployment and got it. We were married in April of 2011. We did not live together before we got married and if we were on the phone talking and his 2 older boys in the home (17 and 15 at the time) started fighting, Joe would ask to call me back after he got them settled. Once we were married, I saw these fights and most of the time they were not with each other but between them and Joe. I could not believe the way these boys yelled at him and disrespected him so completely. These boys obviously had anger issues, but I chalked it up to anger over losing their mom and me being in the picture and told myself that in time things would get better. Joe never tried to look for another job, he was content to be on unemployment. He also applied for food stamps and welfare money and got them. Things seem to be going pretty well between us until the early summer of 2012. I had started noticing discrepancies in his stories. He claimed he had a social security court date coming up in October and that he stood to gain a lot of money if he won. He claimed that the guy he bought his previous house from never put his $70,000 down payment into the bank and now he was fighting that in court as well, though I never saw him take a phone call or actually go to court. I became disabled in 2011 and started collecting social security in July 2012. In August of 2012, we moved from Delaware to Pennsylvania. The 17, now 18 year old had been arrested for drugs several times in Delaware and Joe would not let him move to Pennsylvania with us. The 15 year old had left the home in August of 2011 because of all the fighting and anger between him and his dad. September 2012 the older boy started calling Joe and begging him to let him move up here. Joe had concocted a lie and told him that if he got arrested up here for drugs a landlord could evict you with 7 days notice and we didn’t have the money to go anywhere else. I didn’t find out til Feb 2013 that this was a lie. In October 2012 that boy passed away from heart attack. Joes 21 year old daughter raised such a raucus at the funeral home over getting her brothers ashes after cremation that I had to wonder why this was so important to her. Why was she so set on not letting Joe have them? December 6, 2012 a card came in the mail for Joe in a woman’s handwriting and I knew something was up. I found out he had started an online affair with a woman he had had sex with 30 years before. I watched him write her a note in facebook telling her he wanted to work on his marriage and send it. But he continued to text and email her. On January 4, 2013 I found a second online affair, again with a woman he had had sex with 30 years previous. I confronted him and he denied it…I had just read it and it was still on my laptop for him to see and he still denied it. Needless to say I was really angry. I went down to the family room and picked up his computer monitor and smashed it onto the floor. He had been sitting on that thing 24/7 since we got married. He came up to the living room and with a piece of the broken monitor, he smashed my laptop and then without thinking, totally on impulse, I picked up the same piece and hit him with it. He got a small cut on the wrist and then I called the police because I didn’t know what he may do next. Because of that cut, I was charged with simple assault. That’s when the information really began to flow. He had not worked in over 18 years. In his first marriage, his mother in law paid the mortgage on her second home while they lived in it. When she couldn’t do it anymore, Joe let it fall into foreclosure. She gave them $70,000 to put down on a new home and guess what…Joe squandered it all. Then I found out he had a criminal record and had been arrested some 30 times. Most of it was for fraud…prescription fraud, insurance fraud, and writing bad checks and he even did time. He has been collecting a huge tax return all these years, over $13,000 this year. Now you tell me, how is he doing that, getting a state tax refund and collecting unemployment if he hasn’t worked in over 18 years…fraud. I have reported him in each instance to the proper authorities. It’s only a matter of time before he gets arrested. Joe has a huge issue with alcohol and pain pills. One week to the day after I left, Joe had the first woman in and they were going at it on the sofa in front of the kids. The 15, now 17 year old was back in Joe’s home and having a lot of anger towards this new woman and Joe. Violence broke out between Joe and his son twice in the next 2 weeks and he begged me to get him out of the house and I did. My cousin took him in. Joe made false allegations to Children and Youth to try to get his son arrested but it didn’t work. January 17, Joe filed for a Protection From Abuse Order against me and lied his butt off in it. He claims I pulled a knife on him Thanksgiving Day and that I had said I wanted to boil his skin off. We went to court January 28 and I agreed to a non admission of guilt giving his his order for one year in exchange for being allowed to get my stuff out of the house and still be able to talk to his kids because they were devastated by what was happening. Feb 2, I got my stuff and he informed me that day he was filing for divorce. Joe has called the police claiming that I violated my PFA order by contacting the kids through facebook and saying I was not allowed to try to get me arrested, he has done this twice. Two weeks ago, I had a police officer show up at my door and said Joe called them and said I had threatened him. I’m not stupid enough to call him and have his caller id on his cell phone record that. His son moved in with me March 31 of this year and I tried to help. I got him into counseling, took him to the doctor, took him back and forth to work and saw to it he had what he needed all the way around. Joe was collecting food stamp money all the while and never offered a dime. Two weeks ago, the son, who had been doing drugs starting a few weeks before that, came home high by breaking in through my living room window. That was my last straw and I put him out right then. I called the police and Children and Youth in the morning to let them know there was a minor unsupervised and told them what friends house he was staying at. Recently Joe moved to the town his girlfriend lives in 2 hours away and never bothered to tell his son that he was moving or where to. Children and Youth called me last Thursday and asked me if I was sure I wouldn’t take him back and I said I was sure. They called Joe and he refused to take him. They called his Aunt in Indiana and she took him so they put him on a bus and shipped him out there. He’s angry with my daughter and I (that’s another story) and last night he deleted us and blocked us on facebook and then posted as his status that he would burn my house to the ground if he had to and then he said he would burn my daughter to the ground, said he was crazy deep down, and that had he not gotten away from us stupid people he would have killed us. Then one of his friends started talking to him and asked him if he needed any napalm and the son said he had some. I had someone screen shot this and forward it to me. I called the police this morning and an officer came out, fortunately, the same one I have been dealing with and I showed them to him. He said it was enough to have him arrested and I told him I wanted to press charges…I’ve had enough…and he said he would be charged with harrassment and possibly terroristic threats, that one would be up to his supervisor. One more thing. I started getting letters from the Delaware Social Services saying that Joe, his daughter and myself had been overpaid and they wanted $2300. back in overpayment. The time this was done was from the period of January-June 2011. Joe and I didn’t even get married til April 2011, but he had claimed me in order to get benefits and I didn’t know it. The hearing was May 2 and I had already sent a letter explaining things with a copy of my marriage license and the court cleared me. But that agency sent a garnishment of wages to the Treasury Dept and now I have to fight that to keep my social security from being garnished. I also still have one more hearing on June 4 to answer for the simple assault charge. I already know what they are going to do, a fine, a class, and community service. Joe refused to let them plead it down to a misdemeanor, but once I finish that the charge will be expunged. I have never been in trouble before and I had just got my Bachelors in Criminal Justice and had started on my Masters in Psychology. I am moving in 3 weeks an hour and a half from where I am now. I will not put a forward in with the post office as this is public information and can be gotten by anybody. I have deleted and blocked the entire family from facebook, my email accounts and working now on blocking them from my phone. Not only was Joe a sociopath, he had a very negative effect on each of his kids. Seberal of Joe’s kids and myself tried to warn her what kind of a man he was and she refused to listen, we even sent her the kink to his criminal past and she would still not hear us. The girlfriend works 2 jobs and it will be a matter of time before that begins to fall apart…oh, did I tell you…the girlfriend doesn’t know Joe refused to take his son last week and she told him on facebook she wished she would have known because she was hoping he would have gone to them…hmmm…wonder if somebody will tell her?
I almost forgot…Joe’s older kids believe Joe killed his first wife. After she had her last big seizure, she was in and out of coherency and every time she wanted something to drink, Joe had to be the one to get it for her. He laced everything with alcohol, according to his daughter. She said her mother only ever drank wine and he was mixing hard liquor into her juices. I saw her death certificate and the first cause of death was alcohol.
Joe too, had that stare. Sometimes when he looked at me it was as though a demon was inside of him looking out at me…it was really creepy.I can’t tell you enough how glad I am to be away from all of that now. Doing what I did last night really helped…it feels like a huge weight rolled right off of me. Thank you so much for what you are doing here. I stumbled upon this blog about a week ago and have read everything you wrote. The poem you shared in one of your blogs really spoke to me last night. Though I am completely over him (I do admit, I really want to see him fall for the crimes he’s committed and the lives he’s destroyed), I have moved on. But there was something nagging at me about the whole thing and I just felt like I needed a little piece of knowledge to help me. That poem was it. I realized last night that I was the one who came out of all of this a winner. I already knew they can’t feel anything, but I didn’t see it like I saw it last night. He will never be able to experience love, compassion, empathy etc… and I can and I can’t imagine my life not being able to experience these things. How empty and dark he must be…what a void he has in his existence. I will move forward and i will love again and be happy by the grace of God!!!
Wow Kimmi, Isn’t it incredible the amount of drama that you go through in such a short space of time with them? How are you coping today? Yes I love that poem too. It really does make sense. Ironically I had found that poem, before i knew he was a sociopath, it is written about a compulsive liar, I sent it to him. Numerous times, at that time having no idea of the extent of the truth. Later I realised what he was, and I looked at that poem. How accurate it was. It really does explain how it feels to be with a sociopath! Good to hear that you have got out of the relationship. But it is hard for it not to affect you. That sounds like a lot to go through in a short space of time 😦
It was definitely a lot of drama, but as you know, they thrive on it. I am doing very well today. I am in a new relationship and it is going extremely well. I have taken my time and checked into everything he has told me to verify the truth and he has told me the truth in all things, even when it wasn’t the most flattering to do so. After I received my Bachelors in Criminal Justice, I decided I wanted to pursue my Masters in Psychology because of the criminal mind and I was hoping to one day become a Victim’s Advocate and work with abused women and children and the elderly. I am sure that in getting into this type of work, that I will run into many more sociopaths along the way. What I have gone through has equipped me to help someone else going through the same thing. Going through this relationship has taught me a lot about the human psyche. I should probably mention that my late husband was also a sociopath. He was an ex-cop. But unlike Joe, Scottie was abrasive and very much an extrovert and so when I met Joe, he came off more quiet and charming in his demeanor and that, I believe, is what through me off the scent of the possibility of him being a sociopath. I didn’t know until I read your writings that it was possible to have one or the other personality types within this disorder. I believe we can control our responses by the choices we make in how we let something affect us. I could have chosen to give up and become bitter, but if I do that, he wins. By choosing to pick myself up and dust myself off and keep going, I win. It was a lot to go through, but I believe with all my heart that everything happens for a reason and all things work together for our good, no matter how painful they may be at the time we are going through them. Please know that I really appreciate you sharing your story and starting this blog…that took courage, for as you know, people who are not aware of what a sociopath can do or what he is, don’t understand. You have my utmost respect and I thank you so much!!
Thank you for your comments Kimmi. Charismatic type are the Casanova’s very charming.
Well done you for turning this around, and working to heal others. I worked in the homeless field for 27 years, and find peoples psychology really interesting. What is interesting about sociopaths, is that despite they are all different (like human beings are) – we all have different personalities – they all follow same pattern. Its bizarre. I think that those who are involved with it, closely, actually see it, more than those who are therapists. Simply, because they are pathological liars and incredibly deceptive. Within a relationship you witness the patterns repeatedly. Even though the outcome is always the same.
I have just finished dating a sociopath, a particularly bad one. Now im a strong woman but this has affected me badly and i dont know where to turn. I met my sociopath last year, he was my neighbour living with another woman, i knew this so i never got involved, i have learnt from the past about married men etc. He set out to convince me him and this woman were living together but split up, he couldnt afford to move out etc. Of course i didnt believe a word of it, sounds like a man trying to have his cake and eat it, im not stupid, What got me though was he worked evevryday with a friend of mine and this friend kept telling me no they are split up! he was absolutley convinced he was geniiune, i started to wonder whether it was worth a shot. I still dont get involved evevn though he knocks my door and phones me, i avoid him at all costs. Eventually months later, he moves out so i give it a chance.
During this time my babys daddy commits suicide which is very painful to me, he is straight in there comforting me and wanting to be her daddy (it breaks my heart he did this).He puts me on the biggest pedestal i have even been on in my life, he almost suffocated me with affection, he was an amazing father to my little baby, i was his soulmate,claimed love and wanted to spend rest of his life with me, i was the most precious thing he ever had, he wanted marriage, children, house the lot. I felt like my dreams had come true,i have honestly never had anyone love me and make me feel this way, he supported me financially. Gradually hes letting me down and im forgiving it constantly, doing drugs/drinking and being abusive. He steals from me, ruins our holiday to weymouth, takes me to meet his family and buggers of all weekend. Goes out drinking and doesnt come home all night. Oh and our joint account is 1k in debt. Now he quits his job. He starts stalking me when i go out, smashed my belongings in rage, trying to cause a rift between me and my best friend of 16 years.
Then one day i get a phone call from the ex girlfriend trying to find out who i am and telling me they havent really broke up, she kicked him out because of his drug taking but they have been having sex since they split up. Im in pieces, confused and dont know what to do. So i bang the door and they both come out. He says hes been going round there to check on her etc. He callls her a liar to her face that they have been having sex and says he loves me in front of her. It destyroyed us but he uses this fact that he called her a liar etc, he seems so geniune so i give him the benefit of the very big doubt.
She bangs the door and doesnt leave me alone so i tell him he cant live here. He tells me hes getting a room somewhere and moves out but we decide to try and salvage us and take baby steps. Then she smashes my window. He tells me shes crazy, i buy it, who smashes someones window.
For the next month i see him for a few days then he disappears for a few, Usually after hes given me some sob story about how he needs money for tools for a new job otherwise he cant take the job, i buy into it and give him money then he disappers. He seems so geniune asking me if ill wait for him if he goes to rehab, he has these problems blah blah.
I break it off with him several times in this last period, mainly because i just cant trust him and get over the doubt and the things hes done to me. But he comes back, knocks the door, bombards me with love texts and he just knows how to “get me”. I know in my gut its wrong but no-one has ever made me feel like this before and its addictive. In the end im just a paranoid wreck and the ex partner contacts me asking me if we can talk calmly. I agree, i know hes lying and i just need the truth. So we chat for hours and decide to “catch” him together, so i go round there and find him in just a towel. Hes been living there the whole time since i asked him to leave. Telling both of us he loves us, we are his soulmates etc. I tell him to stay the hell away from me and never speak to me again, If he comes near my house i will phone the police, she does the same and kicks him out. He still has the cheek to phone me that night leaving “sorry, please we need to talk” messages on my phone”. I switch my phone off, its over for me 100% and its insulting that he thinks he can talk his way out of it. Next thing i hear about him is that he is in PRISON for some pretty bad stuff i cant mention, i would guess hes facing 5-6 years. He has been commiting crime to get money for months behind my back. When we both got rid of him he couldnt cope, went on a drinking bender and got into trouble. Karma i suppose losing everything and ending up in prison. Just to make things a bit worse for me he sends me a letter saying he loves this other woman and he shouldnt have led me on. It was like a stab in the back after the hell that man put me through. I cant even find comfort in the fact hes suffering. I hope that some day i can find comfort in knowing that karma got him. I know that i will heal and it will get better. Its just really hard right now because i cant find any comfort in all this. Hes left my life in tatters, and whats worse, im just wandering whats wrong with me because theres this small part of me that misses him and wants him back (what is wrong with me!!) i wont allow myself though, i will go no contact until im over him and what he has done. Luckily hes locked away and cant harrass me and i think hes discarded me now so hopefully a lucky escape 🙂
Drew Russel
survivingbob.blogspot.com
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76.29.109.150 Submitted on 2013/05/23 at 2:05 am
I was in a same sex relationship for 21, going on 22 years next month, witha sociopath. The emotional devastation has been enourmous and I almost lost my life because of the stress, anxiety and panic he created in my life.
In the early stages of our relationship he was needy and played the victim to get my sympathy. Once I was snared he he began whittling away at my life, piece by piece. He started by using my clothes, then my new car, then he lost his job and I worked two to pay the bills. When he did go back to work he was a waiter, a waiter with a taste for the nicer things in life.
He outed me to my family, something I asked him not to do, I just now realized that was a way of controlling me. In doing that he could isolate me from them and have further control.
Eventually his grip worsened and he began to act out violently when he did not get his way. First he locked himself in a closet and made holes in the wall with a chefs knife, just before that he broke apart a piece of furniture and hit himself with pieces of wood.
I worked in mental health and addictions treatment and he was seen by my medical director, they said he was dissociative, a nice word for psychosis. He worsened as the years went on and isolated me more and more, he would sabotage any attempts to make our life better. It became so bad that I had to ask him for simple things I needed. Even when I had money it was gone, I later found secret bank accounts, he was funneling my money into his own account and not paying the bills.
In the last eight years my life went nowhere. It was a constant struggle of fear, depression and he blamed me for all that was wrong because he was never responsible for anything. I became afraid of him, afraid he would kill me, he had said it many times, now I was thinking he could and would do it to protect himself.
In the end my total dependence on him is what got rid of him, I had nothing left to give. But even with him gone the stress that I had been under left me physically sick. On a morning in February I drove myself to the hospital, I was having trouble breathing. When the doctor stood over me and asked if I had advance directives I told him no. He said,”in that case do you want me to resusitate if I need to?” I was in respiratory failure. After several days I was seen by a psychiatrist, I was told I had suffered a complete emotional breakdown and was suffering from severe PTSD.
He has left the state, but I still fear his revenge and am scared that those people he had in his secret double life night harm me for him. It was hard for me to admit that but with the help of a domestic violence advocate and a very good psychologist I was able to see the danger I am in now. We have not completely ruled out moving away and becoming lost, even getting a new social security card for protection.
It has all been like a bad dream, a very scary bad dream with no ending. It will take years for me to be “normal” again. I am most saddened by the my loss of trust. I am a very empahtic, king big hearted person and was cruelly taken by a con, a predator. I am angry at the time he wasted, my life wasted by an unstable maniac. One night he sttod over me when I was ill yelling, “die mother fucker die, repeatedly as he punched hiles in the wall. That night is burned into my psyche forever. I don’t know that I will ever be the same, I don’t know that I will ever trust again. I don’t know if I will ever love again either.
I was 33 when I met him, he 28. I am now 53 and am facing disability. I have been homeless. He said before he left, last summer in a rage, “when I leave you I am leaving you with nothing.” He did, even my beloved dogs are gone.
bulletproofinfla May 29, 12:48 pm
After four years of living with a sociopath who took complete advantage of my trust and credit rating, I was finally slapped in the face with the cruel reality of his fraud and womanizing although the red flags had been flying long before that I imagine. I kicked his sorry butt to the curb when I found out. Of course, he promised to pay some bills after we split but never did (not like I’m surprised) so now I’m going to start sending them to his new workplace. He’s also driving a brand new SUV courtesy of my credit rating.
I am exploring legal options for getting my name off of it and recouping some of the money he defrauded me out of. I’ve outed him on FB and continue to do so to let other women and mutual friends know what a shady individual he is. Sort of like my own PSA. I’m tired of being the victim and am now on the offensive against this pig. Instead of withdrawing from life, I’ve continued to work out, I’m reconnecting with old friends who had no connection with my sociopath, receiving alot of positive support from friends, and have purged my life of those who still maintain a relationship with him (the one’s I know about at least).
I did nothing to deserve this and wish I had listened to my friends and my gut before he really got his hooks into me and my wallet.
JLB May 29, 12:01 am
It has been two years now ,that he finally was so awful to me that he just couldn’t go on anymore in our relationship. I was so caught up in him that I lost sight of all my dreams and just became someone on the defense all the time. We started couples therapy together and he would just blow up and make all kinds of excuses why I was so f’d up. He was about to be exposed by the therapist and got out. He is with a new victim now, they are the new amazing couple, it’s all over face book.
I am still feeling angry and didn’t know why and I feel like something is missing. After reading this I realized that it is my dreams of a happy healthy relationship that has been missing (stolen) from me. That dream of a kind man in my life to grow old with. That is all I wanted.
Thanks for reminding me that his new relationship will end up just as mine did. Now I can only hope that she figures it out and has the strength to get out while she still has her dreams!
I will rebuild!
Thanks
Nia May 29, 9:31 pm
Thanks for a very helpful article. I didn’t understand before why women were not smart enough to see through predatory men. I consider myself quite aware and smart, but then it happened to me. A well educated man, great job, church-going etc presented himself as a genuine human being, flattered me, rushed to calling me ‘babe’ and ‘honey’ and ‘we’ & ‘us’ within 4 weeks, made me feel guilty that I wasn’t responding as he wanted etc. Then I unexpectedly asked him out of the blue one day what we were. Glad I did that. Caught him totally of guard and we was scrambling for answers. I didn’t accept the cop offs. I cross questioned till I got the truth, then the facade slipped & I saw the wolf in sheep’s clothing! He was just a sexual predator and if he had got sex, from what he said it was clear that I would have just been another conquest. Glad I withheld that. And just about everything else he wanted from me, because I figured that out too! Ladies don’t be too quick to throw your affections and attentions (doing nice stuff for him) on any man who doesn’t reciprocate and earn it! Onwards and upwards to better, younger and hotter…
Debbie May 30, 2:02 am
I got caught up by a preacher. A female and I am a heterosexual female. It started with our shared family name and I wanted to trace our family trees. She took all she learned of me and played on my heart and desire to help “family”. Everyday it was a different sob story. Her family didnt like her. Her 4 ex-husbands abused her. Yes 4. She didnt have a car. Wasnt getting child support. She stressed me out completely. I let her borrow my car. Let her borrow money. Bought food to her. I didnt understand why I was bending over backwards for her. I have very limited faith in the church so i couldnt figure out why I was doing so much for a self proclaimed “Women of God”. So though I have limited faith in the church I do have a tremendous amount of faith in God. I just felt like maybe God had bought that women into my life to help her. Or maybe God was calling me. In addition to that she also reminded me of my mom who had struggled and it was like if I could help her I would save her from my moms tragic fate. It got so crazy in my mind. I kept searching for any reason as to why i was doing so much. The spiritual connection I felt with her she would not acknowledge or validate. I who have never been attracted to women was starting to believe that I must be gay. Nothing else made tangible sense. She dropped me from her life a few weeks ago after she gained a substantial about of money. No more phone calls, messages, she just disappeared. My father recently died and she didn’t even reach out to me in this time of my need. Her title is apostle and prophetess. Another false prophet as the bible speaks of.
He pushed me to crazy!
Positivagirl…this is long, so please bear with me.
Met him online…incredibly charming just in the written word. He’s a special ed teacher and a bassoonist. Describes himself as hard working and generous (would give a kid the shirt off his back) and giving is more rewarding to him than receiving. Great on paper. Met him a week later and I’m completely entranced. He’s in the midst of a divorce (he’d gotten his papers just 10 weeks earlier and she’d only moved out on him a few months earlier). The divorce is just about a done deal…they have an agreement in place. He’s sweet and charming. I ask if he’s ready to be with someone. He says he is…he hates to be alone. All is good (I tell myself). Except for the woman who walked up to us and warned me that he doesn’t keep his promises. AWKWARD. But I don’t know either side of the story. I give him the benefit of the doubt – he seems so perfect (so no, the next victim won’t listen to your warnings – they’ll be too charmed). He emails me the next morning telling me how wonderful I am and he wants to see me that night. I have plans. We get together the next night. He tells me about these other women he had been seeing…all of them wanted sex from him, it was surprising to him (NLP?). For the next three weeks, I’m seeing him almost every day. He’s constantly texting, or sending sweet ecards, buying me flowers, taking me out. But when I go to his house, his wedding album is still sitting on the coffee table. I see red flags, but don’t believe what I’m seeing. I don’t say anything about it – he’s going through a divorce – I give him a VERY WIDE berth. He tells me that he’s never been dumped, so the divorce (initiated by her) must be very hard, I think. He tells me that he’s used to dating women with money…they buy him things and take hm on trips. I finally stop holding out on sex. We go to Chicago together the next week – I paid for everything except food…ok, fine. When we get back he tells me he loves me. I tell him that I feel it but can’t say it (I wasn’t near ready to say it). Two days later he texts me that he can’t continue an “intimate relationship” with me because I didn’t say I loved him. The right answer from him should have been “I can wait”. I didn’t think of that then. I’m already hooked. I panic and cave and practically beg him to not end the relationship. All the while he tells me that he keeps getting calls and emails from these other women who he had dated but won’t leave him alone. I feel that I’m special and that this won’t be me…this is the real deal. He tells me that an old girlfiend tells him that she still loves him, but he tells me he doesn’t want her, he wants me. He’s always talking about how stressed he is about the divorce and about work…he was so shaken by the divorce that he took a leave of absence. I’m supportive. I have cats (which was posted in my dating profile). I find out he’s allergic…he threatens to leave on the premise that the cats were here first. I tell him that I don’t appreciate his unilateral decision making. He gets upset. I should phrase things more gently…I’m too harsh, he’s sensitive. Ok. We agree that if we decide that we’re going to end things, we’ll have a conversation about it – he promised, but for now, we’re continuing on. A couple of more weeks go by…more of the same. He invites me to spend a few days over at his place…I’m over there a lot. I pack a bag. After a couple of days, he has to call off our plans because his evil ex who had promised to have their thirteen year old daughter had changed her mind and wanted to go off somewhere with her new boyfriend. I hear tales of how evil she was (despite that on our first date he said how he’d always respect her…this is just the divorce taking it’s toll, right?) He didn’t do anything wrong in the marriage, he was a good husband, she just went crazy when her brother committed suicide, he tells me. He tells the daughter about me…she wants to meet me. I come over for dinner and hit it off with the daughter…she and I have a lot in common. While I’m there, he keeps texting me about how I’d be a much better mother. He’s intimating marriage. Keeps talking long term…how I’m perfect and beautiful. Once in a while when we’re out, I get the feeling that he thinks of me as an object on his arm. I also notice that he has a lot of EXPENSIVE items in his home…his ex made a LOT of money. He also has two cars and MANY EXPENSIVE watches…one was his mothers who recently broke her hip and is now in a hospital. He takes me to meet her.
Then, suddenly, the ex is furious about me. She’s threatening to sue for full custody. He can’t have his girlfriend around the house…his lawyer’s advice. Ok. Sound reasonable. I don’t see him for three weeks. The daughter doesn’t spend time at her mom’s…the parenting time is falling apart. She finally goes with her mother for a weekend. He comes to see me in the afternoon (and of course, every time I see him now we end up having sex). He talks about money all the time…detailing his budget and how he can’t afford the house he’s determined to win in the divorce. He asks me what my earning potential is. I’m bothered but not to an extent where I can really identify it. I tell him I really don’t know, but if things continue on my current path, it’s X. He’s got the weekend free. He might go out of town with some friends, I tell him I’d like to see him. He’ll call me later. And he does. From the road. I’m furious. I’ve waited three weeks to see him. His friends are waiting. I tell him they’ll understand…he can give me one night. Nope. I email him and break it off. He emails back with this being my fault, he would have treated me like a princess once he was back on his feet financially. In the exchanges that follow, his words are mature on the surface, but the undertone of viciousness is clear. He met someone else at a yacht party. They’re going to see each other when they get back. He had to go on that trip when he did because he had a friend with cancer who is dying and was only going to be there that night. After he gets back, we meet and have a long talk. I’m concerned about his materialism, point out that his emails were manipulative and it was cruel to flash another woman before me like that. I’m concerned about his materialism and his big rush…things are moving too fast. We agree to move forward, but from this time on, that rush of attention never comes back
The friend who still loves him and is divorcing her abusive husband is keeping some valuables at his place. She’s buying him groceries. She’s taking over the payments on one of his cars so she can use it while her almost adult son uses her car. I feel like I have no idea what’s really going on in his life except when it comes to money and the status of the divorce. He’s nervous about being allowed back to work because of the leave of absence.
He keeps taking off on these last minute trips…he says he needs to just get away. I find myself doing drive bys to see if the car is there…to see if he’s telling the truth about not being home when he takes these trips. I get clever – I drive by at night and then again in the wee hours in the morning just to double check…the car is in a different spot and the lights, which were on the night before, are now out. I confront him with this. He pleads total ignorance. I’m so hooked I let it go. I know that I’m either going to trust him or I’m not…and if I’m not I shouldn’t be with him. I am so hooked that I choose to trust him.
I go to work late on days I can get him to let me come see him at his house. When he sees me, it’s at my place. Things have really fallen off but it’s because of all the pressures and the divorce. He hates when I’m there and have to leave…he never had that kind of response with other women.
I’ll speed this up now. From then on, it’s less and less time with him. Messages I get from him are horror stories about custody…mom coming to get daughter, screaming fights and calls to the police. He’s no longer initiating contact. He’s still telling me he loves me and I’m the one he wants to be with. We now only see each other at my place. I suggest we put this on the shelf until the divorce is final. He’s supposed to call me after the final divorce hearing to let me know how it went. He never calls. Fine. He needs some space to process this.
I still contact him…I can’t seem to help myself. I text – a lot. I ask if he’s seeing someone else…it’s fine, just tell me because I have a right to know. I’m trying to give him support, let him know I’m still there. After a couple of months, he responds…after I gave him a sweater I’d made for him (it was no big deal to me…I needed something to do and I’d started it when things were still good).
He says we can see each other, but won’t set anything up. Several weeks later, we see each other again. He tells me I’m wonderful and perfect, he still loves me, he wakes up thinking about me, goes to sleep thinking about me, wants to be with me all the time, he wants to be with me permanently. The friend who still loves him has bought him a dining room set, an All Clad set and a new set of china…a $10,000 dining set. Why would he accept such a gift, I ask, if he has no intention of being with her? Because she insisted. This woman is “a bottomless pit of money” and he felt that she was “trying to buy” him. He tells me several times that she keeps telling him that she loves him unconditionally. We see each other a few times (and have sex, of course) and then he starts disappearing again.
After another couple of months of this repetition of me trying to communicate with him and getting zero response, I get an email. His life has changed. He can’t continue in a relationship with me. He’s sorry that his lack of communication hurt me. “Circumstances dictate that I need to cut off all communication.” Three days later he sends me a text “You are so wonderful. (Daughter’s name) grandfather died and she is inconsolable. I’m so sorry if I hurt you.” (I don’t actually remember whether or not he said “if”). He’s blocked me on facebook. He’s blocked my calls. But not my texts…
Three weeks later he’s married the woman who was buying his groceries, and his car payments, and, according to him, mortgage payments, the dining set, etc.
I guess I know what was going on during all those trips. That weekend he went away that made me so angry, he’d gotten the information that I didn’t make enough money for him.
So, P-girl. Is this a sociopath? Or am I just utterly codependent and crazy because I basically spied on him because my gut was telling me that he was lying to me? Because I couldn’t stop contacting him? That I STILL have trouble not contacting him? Or is this guy truly toxic?
Post-Script: I know someone who is close to the family and got the scoop. He said that his ex had spent thousands of money on clothes each month. Nope. He was the one who spent all the money. He was forced into a leave of absence from his job because he was so unstable, it was not his election (as he made it seem). He tried to obstruct her when she was about to get her PhD (thus exceeding his own academic accomplishments), they hadn’t shared a bed together in years. He’s a pathological liar. He’s obsessesed with guns. Just really disturbing things that I, fortunately, was not around long enough to witness.
So what’s your verdict? Wouldn’t a normal human being, when faced with such financial woes, sell some of those expensive watches, or at least sell their second car? Was this a gold-digging, narcissistic sociopath who played on my own significant vulnerabilities, or was this just a messed up guy who didn’t want to be with me?
My verdict is that he’s a sociopath, but it is SOOOO difficult to accept that. The only thing concrete I can hang my hat on is that he lied to me…and the more I think about it, the more lies I uncover.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for your patience. There are so many more little things that were disturbing on such a low level, but I’ve written so much already. This has been profoundly wrenching. I have thought about reaching out to the ex, but that’s a form of contact with him. I need to hear from someone else who’s got some experience with this madness…and I really like some of the things I’ve read on your blog.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Hi Barbara, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I did read it all the way through. It is really difficult at first to come to terms with. I really struggled at first, as it is so unbelievable that this has happened to you.
From your story, this sounds like classic sociopathic behaviour to me. My story was very similar. He even faked the mother of his daughters cancer, said she was dying. His motive was money.
I know that this can be so hurtful to hear. I also know how they lure you in. I think that what I write here, should explain things to you. As I think that you met the same type that I did.
Sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars. What kind of man behaves in that way? Gets you to pay for a holiday, takes off of a woman? Sociopaths seem to have some grand sense of entitlement, like they are entitled to take what they want. To use people for ‘source of supply’. They do not feel love like we do.
My ex said he loved me and wanted me back, but that was likely ONLY because I was better source for supply (money) than who he is with now.
This is NO reflection on YOU. This next person he is with is his latest victim. He might marry her but this means little, he will be with her until he financially sucks her dry, and she has nothing left. In a way, if you still have some money – and he hasn’t ruined you, you have had a lucky escape.
You might find this difficult at first to come to terms with, but i promise you, nobody stays in the ‘fog’ of confusion forever.
Those mixed messages that he sent you – stalling for time, this is common with sociopaths.
I know that you are hurt and likely confused. Honestly YOU have the best deal here. The one that he has married, (if he has), – remember they lie – he will live off her like a parasite, a financial tap, until every penny is gone, and she is left with nothing.
You have had a lucky escape from this man. Only because he found a better victim…. and that is all that she is to him.
I write a lot about healing and recovery. Focus on those things, and not on him, but read as much as you can. The more that you read, the more clear things will become and the less confused you will feel.
How long ago is it since you have split?
You really need to break ALL contact with him (see my articles in recovery and healing section about No contact). This means blocking messages on your phone. Blocking email, social networks. Everything. So he has no way of contacting you.
Focus on you, healing and recovery – and breath a sigh of relief that he moved onto new source for supply before he ruined you.
Thank you so much for plodding through that and responding so quickly. I tried to be deliberately unemotional and factual in my narrative because I didn’t want t color it with my own confusion. The “Dear Jane” email was just a few weeks ago. I actually heard about his engagement and marriage through the person close to the family…he is, in fact, married to her. He often told me he didn’t want to drag someone down financially…guess that’s part of his m.o. – sponge off someone who can afford it.
I have blocked his texts from my phone and all known email addresses I have from him (his Dear Jane email was from an address I’d never seen before); but I can’t block him from FB because he’s blocked ME! That means he’s retained some level of control. It’s hard to say NC when he’s stonewalled me. But I’m resolved to continue living my life the way I had before I met him. It’s kind of like after 9/11 – if you live as if you’re in fear, the terrorists win.
Thank you so much for the validation…because I was not witness to the kind of emotional and psychological torture that follows (and will follow in his new marriage at some point), it becomes harder to know that what I was seeing was a sociopath. The validation on this site (and others) is INVALUABLE. His abuse of my heart was so subtle it’s hard to know if it really happened or if it was in my head.
I AM working on my recovery…tackling the issues that made me vulnerable in the first place – dealing with my own childhood traumas and the narcissistic treatment from my father which keeps me in this script with other men. It’s soooo confounding right now, but I also know that at the end of the day, I will emerge from this stronger than I was before, more sure of myself, and, God willing, firmly standing in love of myself. They can’t get you if you love yourself.
Thank you again…I’ve been to a lot of sites on this (obsessively trying to understand this) and this is a great one!
Thank you Brenda 🙂
Read my posts on healing and recovery! Really you do need to believe, that YOU are the lucky one here.
As for him blocking YOU on facebook – this is because he can unblock you and see your wall. When facebook upgraded peoples walls can be seen, so make sure that you upgrade your privacy settings!!
See it like a child, whose parent has hurt them, and they kick off, and cause the most pain that they can. Reacting out – that is what it is like.
You won’t see her life – but – you might get to hear about it later.
Nothing you could do would change things for her, as he would have lied about you. Said that you were obsessed with him etc… loads of lies…
i do promise that he will take money from her, both my exes 2 previous exes said the same, that he was a compulsive liar, i struggled to believe it. But it was true. I bet his ex wife would say the same 😦
Its now time to focus on YOU and healing and recovery!!!
You’ve inspired me!!! I’m taking back control. Although it will take a little work, it won’t be onerous. I’m creating a new facebook account and pulling over all my content and friends. Once that’s all been moved over, I’ll delete my old account….and now I can be blocking HIM!!! Now I won’t have to worry about even the dim possibility that he might reach out to me via that avenue!!! Unless he makes the effort to do the same, if he figures it out. But for now, this will really free me.
What do you think? 😀
Oh absolutely Barbara. This is empowering – takes back your control of your life. It will probably feel good to block him anyway.
I really do think that you are the one who has had a lucky escape here – you sound like a lovely person who can do so much better….
And the other woman? ….. I would imagine that she is egotistical and bragging about what she has, and what she can give, having no clue that is exactly what he wants…… at least until he has cleaned her out and taken her for all that she is worth – and then….. he will be on the hunt for another victim, and so, the story continues.
One thing is, because this behaviour is so ingrained in their personality (likely since childhood) – it isn’t going to change. Sounds like, although it is hurting right now you have had an easy escape. Likely if she is source of supply for him, if she tries to leave she will suffer ruining, smear campaigns, attack on her work and employment, ruining towards family friends, her entire life –
Thank god it is not you?
Yes I know I’m lucky. One of the niggling wrinkles, though, is that she is no stranger to him. They dated all through high school. But, as they say, not my Narc, not my problem.
Thanks again! It’s so good to have a friend out there…even if you waaaaay over there! 😀
You are welcome. Yes those little things in our head can play tricks on us.
– They met in school – she knew him a long time ago – maybe he is ok?
– He knew her longer – he chose her over me – she is better
All of those little voices that you hear in your head. Stop – he hasn’t gone to this magical marriage where what she had was better than what you are. He just wanted what he could take.
Likely as she had more to take, he probably has played the card of
— you remember me from school
— I am just like you
— You can trust me
— I am just down on my luck – I will pay you back
Of course he won’t and his marriage will last for as long as she has something to give her, and he will keep taking like a drain, the only thing that she will get in return, is false empty promises – WORDS….
You can’t do much in life with words!!
One other thing…just a suggestion really. As much as I’ve been going through the web seeking information, it took me a while to find this site. I think you could reach more people if you included references to narcissism and NPD in your tags. The behavior is practically identical, so for our purposes, the distinction is nil. Thanks again…and you’ve got my vote!
Yes I will do, thank you! All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths! I will put that in my tags, thanks for the suggestion. There is a distinction in that sociopaths have no conscience, they don’t feel bad, don’t feel sorrow or remorse. Narcissists do feel, in fact they can feel a deep sense of shame about their actions. A sociopath however, feels nothing.
dumbme May 30, 3:50 pm
I cant stop reading your article..omg you knew her!!!!!!!!! Of course you describe all about her..and how I feel..and how Im feeling…crazy down.. coming to a grip that was 3 years was all lies..all she ever felt for me is nothing! is all lies..she does not exist! She told so many sad stories as a way to reach out for me when I try to leave her.. she would do things and say things she knew I would like to read.. and was all sex..she wanted everyday..and if not..if I was not into..oh I was like a old married boring couple ..and then came the put downs.. I was getting old..and blah blah..
Once I left her she told me some crazy story ..she was such a poor ting..such a victim!
Im so glad she is gone…if I can only never enter her yt to see her new love posts.. I hate me for doing it..I will win and not enter!!! But hey at least I gave her no reaction!
If they call you on your birthday what do you do??I never want to know from her again..loser!
Thanks so much thanks!!!
I need to write down how I feel so as to not fully lose my mind. I find myself going through bouts of anger, disbelief, immense sadness and then circling back to the beginning again. I can’t comprehend how someone that I had myself so convinced for years could do this to me. That it was all a lie. I meant nothing to him. I wish I didn’t know. I wish that I could have gone on in my pleasant ignorance and not know the truth about him. I had moved on with my life, and come to terms with the fact that although there was genuine love between us- we didn’t work out. I also spent the past 4 years blaming myself for these things. I thought that my alcohol addiction and the horrible decisions I made while in that state were the sole reason that he and I didn’t work out and I spent years trying to make up for that. No matter how many times he kicked me while I was already on the floor- I took it- convinced that this was a man who loved me but was just so hurt by my action 3 years prior. I still returned to this man time and time again. But something in me always had this core that told me I deserved more and that there was something very seriously wrong with this person mentally. Despite my complete lack of self respect I knew somewhere that despite what I had done in the past I was entitled to more from someone who claimed to love me. If what I had done was so unforgivable (my indiscretion while drunk, 1 month into our relationship, which I told him about immediately and apologized for and was sickened with myself and as a result got sober, finally) why not just part ways? Why continue to have a relationship with me, claim he understood me, only to use it against me every chance he could. I suppose in hindsight I should have listened to his actions rather than his empty words of love. He used me, conned me, and in the end threw me away without any shred of remorse. He loved me more than anything; I was his soul mate but…
• Changed his number after I had the abortion of our child- never phoned me to see if I was okay
• Moved out of our apartment after it flooded-leaving me to clean up the mess and find a new place to live-alone- as I begged him, sobbing for him not to abandon me this like, he told me it was my fault because I had “provoked” him and proceeded to move out 8 hours after the flood and go live with his parents
• Called me after a night of drinking right after I had the operation for my miscarriage of our child telling me I was a whore, cunt, liar who he never loved and ended the relationship. Only the next day to tell me I should “expect” this kind of behaviour once in a while because of my actions 2 years prior
• Cheated on me our entire relationship and lied and tortured me for my indiscretion years prior while in a black out drunk- which I was honest about- which I felt horribly about and still to this day do- but was cheating on me the entire time and I had no idea
• Lied about our relationship to everyone, lied to me about what we had, the intensity of it, how he actually felt about me
• Had me convinced that I was his soul mate- sought me out after I had FINALLY moved on with my life, only to lie, sneak around behind my back- tell people he wasn’t with me while I thought we were in a committed relationship and cheat on me like I didn’t exist
• Fled the country two days after we had spent an amazing weekend together, planning out our future, him telling me I’m the only woman he would ever have a child with, we should get married soon- without so much as a goodbye. Once confronted- told me it was my fault he fled the country because I was possessive
• Used me for financial and sexual gains
• Sent the same emails he sent to me professing his love to other women
• Has said the most soul crushingly evil things to me than anyone I have ever known only to laugh at me as I cried
• When I confronted him with all of these revelations, he told me I was a joke, and never meant anything to him. He changed his number and walked away like the past 4 years didn’t even exist
He preyed on my forgiveness and guilty conscience. I think he fundamentally knew I was a good, kind person who had addiction issues and never meant to hurt him and he used this against me. Told me I was immoral, disgusting and a piece of shit. If I hadn’t already thought so poorly of myself perhaps I would have had enough sense to walk away. I wish I had known years ago, that the man I thought I was falling in love with wasn’t capable of love. That he was a true definition of a narcissistic psychopath and anything I ever said or did to prove how much I loved him, wanted a future with him, was committed to him, was hurt by him was falling on deaf ears. He never once took responsibility for the ways in which he scarred me. He merely blamed me for every single one of our problems, arguments and many, many demises. He is a sick man who uses people as pawns- he used to talk to me about how everyone in his life only served a purpose and when they no longer served that purpose he would throw them away. I was so naive to think one day one of those people wouldn’t be me. I have witnessed this man do excruciatingly painful things to those around him, only to walk away unscathed and say, “Well, they deserved it anyway!”. I guess now the only option left for me is to pick up the pieces of these shattered illusions and move on with my life. I can’t sleep, I can barely eat. All I want is to know why? How could I love someone so much that was an absolute lie? But after reading a lot of information I understand that’s not possible. I don’t know how to grieve the loss of a person that never truly existed and find ways to heal my mind and figure out how to never allow such a sick individual into my life. I hope someday he finds the peace he so desperately needs but I doubt that. He will just find another victim and destroy their life too. If anyone can offer any words of advice on how to move forward exactly it would be greatly appreciated.
First of all you CANT change him. But you CAN change you!! Read my posts on healing and recovery.
You can’t worry about him – understand that it is something wrong in his brain – he will always be like this. It really is NO reflection on you, so forgive yourself.
He has likely done it before in the past, and will do it again in the future, there will be more victims in the future. Focus on what YOU CAN change, not on what you CANT!!! YOU!
Read my posts on healing and recovery and try to practice the exercises, it does work…. it takes time discipline – and focus – learn to love YOU – be your own best friend. Learn to forgive yourself. You are worth it!!
Today I write, I had always worked with people. I focus on how to move on – how to move forward – how to heal…. and you can!! You can find the beauty in you.
REMEMBER – all the HATRED he gave to you, was the HATRED he has for himself.
The love is a reflection of you. Write down all those hateful things he said – then burn it…. it doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to him!! Love yourself, forgive yourself!!
Thank you so much. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t find this site.
You are welcome. I write a lot about healing and recovery.
I have been there too. My daughter died at full term, stillbirth, her father left 6 days later. No empathy, remorse guilt or shame. Then after that I met a narcissistic psycho like the one that you described (that was hell) – and after that a charismatic sociopath.
Today I am happy – and the last one helped to heal all three of them!! 🙂
If I can do it – you can too!!! I promise!! Just realise that you have to go through the 5 stages of grief and the bereavement process (I wrote about it in recovery and healing section) – the final one is when you get to acceptance 🙂 You can do this too!!
I truly admire your strength and ability to get peace through the horrors you’ve experienced, and used it to help other people get through it.
I’m just wondering why these people come to us? Is there something wrong with me? The relationship I had before this was nothing to the extent that this one was, but he was pretty sociopathic in retrospect. Is there something about my personality that attracts these people to me? How do I protect myself against these people?
How long did it take for you to stop waking up in the middle of the night crying, and putting together the lies in your head and just feeling so emotionally destroyed?
Sorry I’m asking so many questions, this is just the first place where I’ve felt not alone and that someone understands how I feel.
Well for me it was a strange experience, the police kicked him out last summer. We stayed friends over that time until recently (and a lot of the time writing this blog) it was written often after he had done something (again)…… he knew I was writing. He read it too.
He was the third in a row.
So yes, they do prey on weaknesses. Of course being vulnerable, grieving, and I also had PTSD, and my life had smashed apart there was a lot to prey on. I grew stronger. Of course, I knew about his sociopathic behaviour. As I wrote about it, we talked about it.
In the end it became hard work for him, as I saw through the lies – and I grew tired of it. So we went our separate ways.
I did all the steps that I write about in healing and recovery. And it worked.
I realised I could never change him. But I could change me. So I worked on changing me instead of changing him – and it worked!!!
When you take focus back to YOU and away from the sociopath – establish no contact, just keep going…. it does get better with time! I promise!!
As I experienced so many in a row, I wrote an article – how to reduce the risk of meeting another sociopath.
Sociopath exploit weaknesses within you, and sell them back to you, as a solution ….. so you think you have met perfect man. The thing is to work on you!! not finding someone else to complete you, or heal you….
If I may…?
The question keep asking myself is, “What was it he gave me that I valued/needed so much that it blinded me to everything else?” In my case it was validation. In my journey, I’m working with a therapist to find the roots of that and doing EMDR therapy to deal with it (because knowledge just isn’t enough). If you’re curious, EMDR therapy was initially developed to treat people with PTSD, but it works for emotional and psychological trauma as well (even from childhood). I’m aslo finding Codependents Anonymous helpful because may of the behaviors associated with codependency make us vulnerable to these predators. I’m also using some self-hypnosis to reinforce positive beliefs about myself. That’s just me, but I think it fits with P-girl’s message of putting the focus on yourself. I’d like to think that if I learn to truly love myself, it will be far less difficult to put up my boundaries and walk away from unacceptable behavior (to heed the red flags). I hope you don’t mind my two cents. =)
I have to ask because although I have moments where I think I’m doing better… I feel an immense amount of guilt for the mean things I said once I found out all of this disgusting information about him.. Why DO I FEEL GUILTY?????? I feel like any other sane person would walk away and be done with it.. but I can’t stop going over every detail and feel concerned that maybe I hurt his feelings??? I know intellectually he has no feelings, and why should I care about someone who doesn’t give a flying fuck about me.. someone who emotionally manipulated me for years and did all of the awful things he’s done that I mentioned before.. but why.. why why why am I the one at the bitter end of this feeling guilty.. 😦 can anyone understand or relate to this?
Why are you caring if you hurt his feelings? If you did (which is doubtful)…. I would say that maybe that will teach him to treat people better in the future? … but…. well they don’t learn from past mistakes so probably that won’t happen.
He has manipulated you, you are not responsible for his feelings.
Hi, Birdie! I don’t know if this will help, but I got rid of whatever he had given me, whatever I had that I purchased with intentions for him and I even threw away my sheets and coverlet (the coverlet was getting ratty anyway). So now I sleep in a bed that he has never touched, my home is free of anything linked to him. I even did a cleansing ritual (you can really do anything that feels right to you). An excorsism can be empowering! But I agree with you…while it isn’t so great to see so many people who’ve been the targets of these creeps, it’s a huge relief to know that it WASN’T YOU!!! YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!! Amazing the way they mind-fu*k us, isn’t it? We’ve either all been through it or all going through it. I’m so grateful for the support I’ve found here. We’ll all make it through and come out on the other end stronger than before! I’m sending lovely, warm, healing thoughts your way. You’re not alone in this.
I love birdie’s appropriate line “a flying fuck” LOL! So appropriate, but I trust she’s has had some time to investigate some more about codependence and the mind’s initial response to make the victim feel all the guilt! Birdie, DON’T cave into the thoughts of guilt. It was something I read long ago, in another disfunctional relationship I was in. That is the thought, “You made me feel so wonderful”. Wait a minute. Look at that sentence. No can MAKE you feel one way or another. What that person does is ALLOW you feel whatever, because you allow it. You WANT to feel this way or that.
Hope this thought helps. Sometimes has helped, but then, a lot of times you have to just go with the crappy feelings for a while. They soon pass, just know that, and know that love is more powerful than this evil, and the people it has infected. Pity them, don’t feel guilty about being angry or mad. Like they say on here a bunch (and esp. in your case), they neither care nor can even comprehend. Time heals ALL wounds!
Hi Barbara,
I have been reading and healing since “positiva girl” started her blog. It has been four long years for me or trying to recover. The first year was tears… just tear… weight loss, and no one that I could talk to because it was an affair. I lost 30 lbs. The second year, I wish I could have cried more because the pains in my chest and my eyes… just utter sadness. Then he contacted me, and I have absolutely no lack of self esteem at all. I would listen and write like a friend. I would give him a clue that I wanted him back. In fact, I have to admit, I just wanted an explanation and my friend back. Since that time, he has thrown so many “I love yous” at me, become lewd, talks of sex, become crass, become loving, becomes normal… plain and simple… ALL OVER THE MAP! I just sat quietly by and listened and talked very normally… like myself. He would even say he couldn’t “read” me or figure me out. I started reading this blog, and he started to show his true self. I am done. Even the memories are leaving. I don’t even look at the places we use to go when I drive by anymore.
So why am I writing this to you? Tonight I am exhausted. I run my own business, and the hours are long (sun-up to sun-down). When I am extremely tired, that when I think of him. That is when I miss him… STILL. I don’t know why. I just do. I guess because it was the most perfect relationship I’ve ever had with a man, and that’s because the relationship was with me! LOL He was me. All me.
And that is why I miss him. When in our lifetimes do we meet someone so perfect! Never. But this is only tonight. Tomorrow, I will be fine and go about day not thinking about him. The times I don’t think of him far outweigh the times that I do.
Have faith. It will happen. I have asked God so many times why he would put someone like that in my life? I am a good person, and practice that goodness for the better part of my life. I don’t know why God thought I deserved to have someone like that in my life, but he did. There is a lesson here, and I am still trying to find it. I guess I will always love and miss him, or rather, I guess I will always love and miss me. He was just a hoax, and like all of us on here, that will always be such a hard pill to swallow… that none of it was real.
Please have faith that all will be good again some day. And I hope all of you reading this, have faith too!
Hi, Cindy123. I didn’t mean to imply that all targets have self-esteem issues, just that it’s my issue. But in a weird way, it’s comforting to know that they’re such good actors that they can even get to a woman who is sure of herself. I understand that they play on our goodness as well as our weaknesses. I’m coming to grips that I can’t miss someone who didn’t exist, even though I do. Uuuuggghhh!!! It just sucks.
Yes, that is the hardest part of all. You think about all the time spent with them, and you realize that you spent time with a ghost… a person that didn’t even exist. That is the hardest part for me too. So what do we do with those memories? We can’t all have lobotomies to erase them! hahaha So, they are there, and they don’t go away. I think of him and what we did together, and then oh my god… he wasn’t real! He was a fake, a phony… non-existent! That is the toughest for all of us.
But believe me when I tell you, they have no memories of us. They move right on without even thinking they had a past life. It is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen. Had it not been for this blog (thank you so much Nikki), I would have never realized what I was dealing with. Please remember, you are not alone. There are many out there like us.
One way that helped me to get over him besides the knowledge gained here: I would be doing something, then think of him, and right when the sadness hits me, I would say to myself (or out loud if no one was around), “OH F*** HIM!”, start laughing and keep on moving. I would keep on saying it over and over again, and sometimes it works. It keeps me focused on the task at hand.
I agree with everything you have said. It is a bitter pill indeed. It bothers me to learn more about sociopaths because it’s hard to accept that I was nothing to him and he felt absolutely nothing for me, yet I was so convinced that he did. I remember when it was over (and thank God is it over) I used to wonder if he ever thought of me, what we had, what could have been. Then to learn that you mean so little to them, they don’t even bother with your memory. That stings like nobody’s business. You had all this love you were willing to give them, and they not only did not deserve it, but did not appreciate or value it because they are incapable being in love. I was in a low place in my life and he saw straight threw that, but I have to admit…I probably made it easy for him, unbeknownst what I was really dealing with. I just wanted and needed someone in my life at the time. What timing, huh?
The thing that bothers me the most, is a lot of people have told me, “Well karma will catch up to him” but the reality is, it won’t. Not in the sense where we want it to at least. I wanted him to feel my pain that he caused. I wanted him to miss me. I wanted him to yearn for my touch like I did his. I wanted him to know that he messed up with me, royally. I wanted him to feel bad about it. I wanted him to cry over me just a fraction of what I did for him. But that will never happen. He in incapable of feeling remorse, pain, heart break, empathy and compassion. While you’re sitting there trying to put together the pieces, he’s already on to another victim. How could he? Doesn’t he think about me when he’s doing these things? Nope. Not.A.Chance
But isn’t that the karma? He will never know love like I do. He will never know what it’s like to be loved or to love in return; he will never feel it. If you have it right, it’s the best. His lack of knowledge on emotions is his curse.
Sociopaths are very self-destructive. So he may find other victims, but it’s just going to have the same outcome time and time again until eventually it catches up to them.
Time + reading more about sociopaths have helped me come to terms with what I’ve been through. I still struggle with the “whys” but I keep saying, “I know it is a lesson I needed to learn, I don’t know why I had to learn that way but I did”.
Thank you. To both of you. The amount of information and kindness I’ve received here makes me want to cry. It’s so good to know I don’t have to suffer through this alone. Last night I collected every bullshit letter, photo, article of clothing and anything he ever gave me and I ripped it up and threw it out. It felt really liberating. It’s hard to let this go but I know you’re right that I need to focus on me and not him. I am going to take all the advice here and stay single for a long time so I can get to know myself, heal and never ignore the red flags ever again and hopefully not attract someone like him and if I do know enough about the likes of him and run for the hills. Again, thank you so much for your kindness and support. It has made such a big difference for me.
Oh, I’m so glad that made you feel better! I’ve been doing things to take back control and power…not to have control over him, but to control MY life! Everything I do for me rebuilds me. And we can do what they can’t – we can beat our demons and not remain enslaved to them! Hugs to you!
Getting rid of his things is a huge step Birdie, well done!! It means that you have truly accepted that this is over. You don’t want him back, and neither do you want to be a part of him anymore!! Well done you!! 🙂
Sociopath or complete dirt bag?
Hard to tell if I am just grasping for straws to make sense of this recent case. But, cant help but notice that a lot of things line up.
– One thing in particular, over the last few months since we have seen each other, whether we be at my house or at dinner, I would catch him staring at me. Intensely. With a slight smile on his face. Not necessarily a look of wonder. But just a solid look. And when I would fidget or get uncomfortable or ask why, he would just tell me he liked looking at me. This has happened more times than I can count. Flattering? Or predatory..
– Made me feel like his princess. As if he has been wanting to be with me for years. Like he has been waiting for me to come back into his life for years (we have had constant falling out after falling out. This time, claims he is not ready to lose me from his life. Promise after promise. Catch him telling his wife, who he refers to as his room mate, that he is ending things with me. Never “ended” things with me.
– Would consistently tell me he wouldnt make decisions to take me out of his life, and then make me feel crazy when he told me he couldnt guarantee that he was going to actually get divorced and leave his wife. She’s the one that eventually filed – he didnt.
– Would start leaving clothes, toiletries, etc at my place when we first started seeing each other and made comments about moving in for a short while during his separataion. When I made comments about him taking his space to do things the right way for himself, he told me I abandoned him, was a terrible, cold calloused person, even though my reputation and name was at stake for being involved.
– Initially told me how proud of me he was for all of my accomplishments, would look and talk to me with awe at how spiritually evolved I was and ask me to help him grow, learn, etc as a person. And then throw those same things he loved about me in my face, mocking my success, mocking my life. Twisting around my belief system to making me feel crazy. Has called me a hypocrite at least once or twice a week, saying that we are “exactly the same people”.
– Talked me into giving him my house/car keys while I was away on holiday to watch my belongings, and then would threaten to destroy my things while i was gone. Wouldnt talk to me during my holiday and told me how much it hurts that I am gone and would leave him during this time – even though I needed space to heal and take care of myself during all the craziness.
– Told me he can sympathize with my ex with A-Z of how “terrible” I am to him. Yet, not “terrible” enough to let me go?
– Has a history of fraud and illegally getting money, for acts he still hasnt disclosed to me.
– Openly told me of other affairs he has had on his fiance at the time, now ex wife. When I asked him if he had boundaries and how he justified that to himself he simply said he “never thought of it as a situation that needed to be justified”.
– Countless times told me to stop questioning his means for getting a divorce, even though he was still in constant communication with his ex. Told me just to blindly trust and has more than once said “you either trust me or you dont”. I have pushed down gut feelings and just decided I would “trust” him even though i was having severe visceral gut reactions to this. It’s almost like my body knew.
– During years where we were not in contact (this has all gone back and fourth for years), he would show up at my work unannounced and unexplained. Almost to get a reaction?
– Says we have this divine spiritual connection and are destined to be connected in this lifetime, whether physically or not, and that nothing I do can take away his unconditional love for me – even though he treats me like garbage and talks to me like garbage. Unconditional love?
– Has mocked or scolded me for talking to my friends about him/us/ this situation. Has backed me into a corner and basically told me that no one at all needs to know what we are going through right now. Will not meet my friends. We only go out in public by ourselves.
– Has told me that he only wants to be with me and when I catch him red handed messing around or talking to other women, he will make up some excuse as to him “Just using them in the past” (as if that is supposed to be okay??) and that they mean nothing to him…probably the exact same thing he told his (now) ex wife about me?
– Put the ball back in my court, called me a hypocrite for not being able to “accept his past” (even though its clearly still his present life choices) and that he has “nothing left in him” and “has loved me all these years” and “If i cant see it, you are cold and calloused person”…..Oh, I didnt know sticking up for myself and walking away was “cold” and “calloused”.
– Has openly cried in front of me, explaining how much pain he is in for the life decisions he has made and how he wants to change and cant believe what a loving, beautiful, giving person I am…and weeks later, flips a switch and mocks me. Doesn’t follow through with the self development commitments i encouraged him to try.
– Takes me out to lavish events, lavish dinners, planning vacation after vacation that never seem to happen.
– When I am my usual strong, independent self, he gets quiet, uncomfortable and pulls away telling me things like “clearly the people we are just don’t work together” and puts it back on me for “not being flexible” and “not being willing to change for anyone” when it comes to my goals, aspirations, dreams, etc.
– When he told me it was over, once, I stood up in a fit of emotion, crying, throwing things, as he sat there motionless and still on the couch. Even as I am sitting there crying, falling apart, had no support to offer, no hug, no wonder, nothing..just wrapped it up by saying “we dont have to figure this out right now…” and again asked me to come over later that night, as if nothing ever happened. As if he didnt just rip my heart out. But he is the good guy “just trying to spend time with me” and “why wont I let him be close to me”
– Has a history for violence and a fascination with guns. Has worked on and off over seas in the middle ease on contracts. No stable job. Always acquires money in shady ways.
Like I said. I cant tell if I am just dealing with an insecure dirt bag or an actual sociopath.
Thoughts? Comments? Anything?….Thanks everyone
Oh my God, girl! SOCIOPATH!!! READ, READ, READ and then read some more about sociopaths (and narcissists). This is classic behavior. Funny you mentioned the gun thing. I didn’t know that this was one of the signs until I read about it. The N I had been involved with apparently had this same fascination…to the point that he was harrassing the police station to obtain the gun his then brother-in-law used to kill himself! How twisted is that? Your body knows, but they lovebomb us to cause confusion (it’s also called “hoovering” – to suck you back in). Emotions are powerful and they use this powerful means to overwhelm our gut responses. Making you feel (at least for a time) that they are treating you like a princess (same schpiel I got – along with lots of plans that never came to fruition), is how they make you feel so “special” and “different”.
Whether he is a true sociopath or a narcissist, they operate in exactly the same way. The only difference between the two, that I can gather, is that while the sociopathic range of emotion is limited to rage and fear, narcissists add shame into the mix. Since these a$$wipes are masters, not only of manipulation, but of mimicing emotions, you’ll probably never be able to tell, and it doesn’t really make a difference. From what you’ve described, he’s given you all the information you need to come to a conclusion.
I’ll venture to say that I think visitors to this site would agree with me that it’s time for No Contact. And change your locks!
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. By keeping you off balance, they maintain control and make you feel crazy, make you doubt yourself. You already know what you’re dealing with. From what you’ve said, I’m more than happy to offer you the validation that YOUR GUT IS ON THE MARK..
I know I experienced my own shame in having been taken in in the first place. Know this: they are master con-men, and a master can take in ANYONE. Congratulate yourself for seeing it! Be proud of yourself for resisting the practiacally hypnotic lure! They really do cast a spell, and it’s one you can purge. It’s painful, but you can reclaim your own power and reclaim yourself. You want a healthy, happy relationship…we’ve all got issues to deal with, but your body, your INSTINCT KNOWS when issues are beyond the norm – normal people with normal issues are, at least, CONSISTENT. Your boy is sounds consistently inconsistent (to keep you off balance). So (my two cents here), I suggest that you envision what a happy, HEALTHY relationship looks like and compare it to what you’re dealing with. How does it stack up? You know you deserve better.
You sound like you’ve got the knowledge and the STRENGTH to pull this vampire’s teeth out of you. They stick them in DEEP. It is a painful struggle, but, if you so choose, you can do it!
IT IS NOT YOU. IT’S HIM!!! Brava for seeing it and for reaching out. This is a very healthy step and is a good sign of your strength to overcome this.
Sending virtual hugs to you…you’re not alone!
Thank you Barbara,
I appreciate the validation, although I am realizing it comes to a point where it is unnecessary and he needs to leave my experience, no matter “what” he is…all signs are pretty clear though.
I have gone through this time and time again with him, and for some reason it feels different this time around. I literally feel nothing. I literally have nothing left to say. I literally do not have the urge for closure, or to be heard or understood by him anymore. I don’t know if I just don’t have anything left in me? or if i just know better at this point. It is a strange calmness. I don’t cry anymore. I don’t have trouble sleeping. I don’t miss him laying next to me.
I started noticing a few weeks ago, when I actually would spend time away from him, like on my 10 day holiday, i could actually breathe. I physically could breathe and felt GOOD. I didn’t notice this feeling until I wasn’t around him. When I was with him, it was me constantly walking on egg shells to be careful what to say…for instance, what cutting remark is he going to throw at me this time when I talk about my job? my friends? the places i want to go? But always sweeten it up later with a comment about how we would do those wonderful things.
The no contact plan is in place. But i cant stop the dreams. I just woke up from a nightmare about him, once again, which I cant seem to get away from. In the nightmare, he was getting back with his ex wife, and I told him that it was over between us, not to tlak to me etc. And regardless of the empty promises of us being together etc, he threw in my face (in my dream) that “its good to see that you will bail on me”…once again throwing it in my face that I am a “terrible, cold person”. Granted, this was only a dream, but so accurate. Woke up feeling like garbage.
On the note of gut reactions, there were weeks where i couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me….went to the docs…took pregnancy tests…but would physically get sick for weeks at random spots of the day. My energy was completely off.
While i was on 10 day holiday, i technically didnt have a flight home at all yet, which drove him crazy. He literally would email me, text me, bombard my phone with negativity, snide comments, and then switch to “please dont talk to me until you are home – it hurts too much”..never once just being happy for me to be able to take care of myself and get away from all the drama going on around us.
Is it normal to not feel anything at all anymore? I don’t even know how to categorize it. Yes, i am physically drained and sleeping a lot. But my diet, exercise and energy are completely off. When he DOES contact me, i feel nothing. My heart doesn’t race. He asks to see me, and where as i would be running to get my shoes before, i literally feel indifferent. I feel nothing. I cant look at him in the same light anymore. I have friends upset with me about being in this mess again, and parents that dont want to hear about it anymore. But I literally cant feel anything.
Will i feel anything, for anything else or anyone ever again? I know that sounds really dramatic when I write it out and look at it, but it is a legitimate concern of mine. Jaded is an understatement. I wish I had more in me to give at this point, but I just dont. It is a really strange feeling of disconnect…and I am concerned that I wont be able to feel anything else, ever again.
Yes i think so. After a while, you just have had enough. How much can you take?
Its the circle, going round and round in a circle, you grow tired of your own life not moving forward. Yes you will be able to feel again, remember that you are the one with the ability to love and to feel.
When someone lies to you – deceives you, hurts you and lets you down, how many times can you go through that, until eventually you stop believing.
Love – is not only how YOU feel, but also how someone else makes you feel about you. You come to a point when you feel better about yourself without them in your life. Who wants to be put down all the time, lied to, stolen from? Disrespected?
Going into yourself is part of healing and recovery. Its also about feeling numb. To protect yourself, you can become numb to it…. feeling nothing is a good place to be. It doesn’t mean that you will feel nothing for nobody else. Just that he has taken all the love you had for him away…. you see the truth, and you know that this will never get better…. and you have made the choice not to deal with this anymore. You are sick and tired of it….
Hi, Gaslighted. I’m not a trained counsellor, or anything, but it sure sounds to me like you’re depressed…and understandably so. It’s hard when your support network doesn’t give you the support you need – it’s pretty much impossible to understand what it’s like to be involved with one of these guys unless you’ve been through it yourself. I like to think of this site as a virtual support group.
Nikki has a section here about the five stages of grief that you might find useful (and I think you’ll see that echoed across many websites that discuss this particular issue). Depression is one of those stages.
I would say that you WILL feel again. I’ve been through that phase of detachment (I was on and off with someone for 8 years who was just under the threshhold of sociopath/narcissist) – seems like you’re processing all of this in the only way your body and your psyche knows how to handle it right now without being overwhelmed – through your dreams. Your detachment seems like a defense mechanism to give your head and heart some room to process. I say that that’s ok. Self-care is really tough when you feel this way (I’ve been battling depression my entire life). Give yourself room and permission to just be in your process right now. I think it’s ok to just let yourself be where you are, as long as you are not abdicating yourself to it, but do try to do just one thing that’s just for you…one step at a time. I’ve found therapy to be extremely helpful. Someone who is trained in techniques to heal PTSD (because, let’s face it, the damage they do IS TRAUMATIC), would probably be really helpful to you in coping. Most therapists will work with you if finances are tight, because they want to help, so if that’s a concern, I’d suggest trying to move towards that.
You are recovering. You WILL recover.
I hope that’s helpful to you…if nothing else, just know that there’s nothing wrong with you…anyone who visits this site, I think, would agree.
Thanks for your supportive comment Barbara!! 🙂
i think the biggest difference that sets apart sociopath/psychopath and everyone else (including narcissists) is their lack of conscience.
Sociopaths don’t have a conscience. Narcissists do. But they think they are better than everyone else. Sociopaths don’t exerience shame. Narcissists do. In fact Narcissists can feel deep shame.
The sociopath/psychopath brain is wired differently. the part in the brain which has a conscience, moral compass, empathy is missing. its not because they are being deliberately cruel – its just the way that they are. They can’t think of anyone elses needs apart from their own. So to hide this, they are very charismatic and charming, and pretend to be thinking of others….. there similarity between a distempered psycho and a narcissist. the sociopath will feel shame, does have a conscience, the narcissist does not.
I am responding to you because I have felt that exact numbness before. The type of emotionless indifference that can make you feel like you are dead inside. It is a defense mechanism and is usually brought on subconsciously which unfortunately means you have no control over it. I remember when my ex and I broke up and all I wanted to do was feel something. I actually went to the ocean in the dead of winter and screamed my heart out. Hoping to wake myself up( it didnt work). Eventually though it turned off by itself and my emotions and feelings did come back. This has happened a few times in my life. Its a very traumatizing process because you are mentally aware that you should be reacting to things emotionally but your body just wont respond. I determined that I would rather be really sad than feeling nothing at all.
The indifference though towards your ex may simply imply that you’re over him. When you no longer need closure and when you realize that being alone is actually preferable that indifference makes sense. My socipathic ex and I were constantly breaking up and getting back together. Finally though I’d had enough. I didnt want to do it in person. I just wanted it to be done with.
Ditto on those feelings Lindz, glad we are free finally. ‘Brand New Me’ Alicia Keys…have a listen or get a copy of the lyrics…so true for us all ;0)
Be happy always 🙂
PR
I was going to post this morining anyway, but I’ve been wondering to myself how I got into this in the first place…I’ve a long pattern of getting involved with guys who don’t treat me well. The N I was involved with (and had a lucky escape from), was merely the most exaggerated version of this pattern. It made me think. As I’ve been going through therapy, I am continuously struck by the parallels of the issues he triggered in me and those I have with my own father. Probably not surprising, since they are exceptionally good at assessing the weaknesses of their victims in order to exploit them to get their supply. I’ve been susceptible because I haven’t resolved these issues…but am rapidly doing so. Some very enlightening conversations with my mom. They say you marry a guy either very like or very opposite of your father. Unfortunately for me, my father, while probably not a sociopath or narcissist, was, at least, self-absorbed and self-centered. The N pulled me in by making me the focus, by flooding me with attention and validation – what’s a girl who was neglected by her dad going to do with that? Get taken. But the joke is on him. I’m using this experience to finally tackle the worst of my demons (demons I wasn’t fully aware of), and am confident that I will emerge as a strong, whole person who has learned to love herself – something he will never be able to do. I will be whole, he will always be an empty shell. THAT, imho, is the BEST and ONLY true revenge. No, revenge is not the most flattering motivation, so let me rephrase: it is the best way to set the scales back in balance, and the best victory. To my Narcissist: Fu@k you.
Amen!!!!!!
I do agree that there has to be a difference between a dirt bag, narcissist and a sociopath..which is what I have been trying to cope with.
The main red flags came about when I spoke to him about his previous affairs and having no remorse what so ever for his then fiance, now ex wife. He had no justification like “I was unhappy..I was lonely…she never treated me right” etc. Again, he said he felt no need to justify it and sort of just “compartmentalized” it into a different place of his life.
I heard the same indifference when he told me how he “used” this other girl I caught him talking to and that “she meant nothing to him”. Knowing very well what those conversations were about, because I had been on the other side of them for years.
Since we have stopped most contact (a text here or there), he has not tried to “Get me back”, has not reached out to me what so ever, and anytime I would say “You have hurt me” he would say “I know exactly how you feel …” and then list all the ways I must have hurt him too. Very confusing, and I forgot that I was still actually hurt by him because I am too busy defending myself for misunderstandings or misdirections.
And, although I cant begin to comprehend all the stages of grief for going through a divorce, it seems as though there are none on his end. Maybe he doesnt show me? But doesnt even indicate that he needs time/space to heal etc. When it all came to a head, he simply said “I wanted this to happen, now I can finally be happy”. Also, made a comment about how his ex wife commented about how calm and indifferent he was to the whole thing. Again, everyone deals with things differently, but I havent so much as seen a remotely questionable bad day on his end since all of that occurred.
If sociopaths are incapable of feeling certain things, does that mean he wont miss me? He wont wish I was still around? I do miss his laugh and his smile sometimes…Does he miss mine? I know it doesnt necessarily change things or matter. I just wonder how they process things, or if I really am that disposable.
It’s hard to imagine I will ever feel a love that strong again. I know it was all calculated, manipulated etc…but it still was the strongest, most intense connection and love I have ever experienced. Amazing sex, amazing laughter, amazing times together. Whether thats fake or not, how do you top it? How do you not compare the next person you are with to them? That has been the trap I have been stuck in for years…when I do walk away, and we cut ties for years, I am left comparing my feelings for others to my intense feelings for him…and I told myself this last time “I need to feel this for someone, whether its him or not”. Making everyone else seem sub-par in comparison.
Not only did i “lose” him, or my image of him, but I lost my ability to see everyone else as just as good, without the passion, drama, confusion and turmoil. Unhealthy? Absolutely…So jaded by this whole thing. I know I need a healthy relationship…It is going to be hard to see anything as exciting though. I dont want to spend the rest of my life comparing everyone to him and what I felt for that short amount of time. It was a feeling not of this earth.
Maybe I am depressed, or maybe I am just done. I dont know. I have 0 energy to explain myself to him and although we have established the “no contact” for 95% of it, I dont even have it in me to “end it”. I wrote him a long letter the last time (a few years ago) explaining myself and how much I loved him, but couldnt do it anymore…I emailed it to him, and his only response to me gutting myself in a letter was “hah! this actually showed up in my junk mail folder…”…that was it. He had nothing to say about anything else.
So, do I need to go through that again with him to know he feels nothing? No. If anything, I am slightly enjoying leaving him hanging, like he has left me hanging for years. Is that terrible? If I thought it was actually hurting him or effecting him maybe I would feel differently….just cant help but feel its not even worth the due diligence anymore to “do the right thing” and “handle it with integrity”. Where was the integrity when he decided he “needed” me during this dark time of his life and to run me through the mud? There was no “doing the right thing”…it was just doing what he wanted at the time.
I have been reduced to questioning myself, questioning my beliefs, questioning what i want in life. Its a numbing, unfamiliar feeling. I cant wait to feel again.
I am quite a spiritual person, and I think that this time, can make us look deep inside of ourselves (or it did me anyway). Looking back now, i wonder how on earth did I get through all of that? But I did….
Numbing is a good feeling — its a time for personal reflection.
Perhaps you are learning – that you can never change the sociopath – but you can change you!!
What can you do, when there is NOTHING you can do to change it? You can’t change him, so you can’t change the situation – it would just be more heartache in the future – But you can change you!!
I can relate to your spirituality. I am big into mediation and yoga, which has helped take the edge off quite a bit. I still have bouts during my practice where I well up with tears or feel a release coming on. Mostly for the lack of love and compassion/forgiveness I have shown myself in all of this. Which, I am working on more than I am working on understanding him and how he works.
You are right, I can only change myself and help myself. I am excited for the growth that will occur during all of this, but not necessarily looking forward to the pain of it. Is there a button you can push to just get over that part? Wish it was that easy.
So, I know this question sounds ridiculous and I have asked it a million times…but…he wont change, right? He will hurt me in the future, too, right? Moving on from this and letting it go is the right thing for me, right?…Seems stupid that I even have to ask at this point, but I think all of us on this site are looking for answers…and part of looking for answers is looking for hope too, that we all didn’t experience what we really did, and that its just a giant misunderstanding. Sometimes we all need to hear a million different ways about how there is nothing there and wont ever be anymore. Part of moving on, I suppose?
Ah, you know I WANTED a fast forward button. Just to have gotten through it. The truth is NO he won’t change. Yes he will hurt you in the future.
I know it is scary to let go…. but the more you let go of him, the more energy you have to love you, and focus on your own self and your own needs.
From my personal experience looking back (I dated more than one in a row) one very narcissistic (distempered) another very charismatic. I thought omg this can’t keep happening…..
I got through it. You know I am stronger now than I ever have been. I feel a sense of peace within myself. I am glad that I have been through it, for all that I have learned. I wouldn’t want to go back to the person that I was before It all happened.
It is absolutely normal to look for answers. I started writing here – as there were things that I really had to know when it happened to me. I am going to put it into a book. As I think it helps to know, it is not just you…..
Don’t be afraid to let go…. socio’s often come back anyway (if they get the chance and have no other source for supply)….. so there is nothing to fear.
What awaits you is a beautiful new life. Yes you might have faced losses, but with that big empty canvas you can start to paint your own picture – your life – your way!!!
Take it small…. take it one day at a time, and watch yourself grow!! 🙂 Love yourself, and treat yourself as your own best friend.
Know you are not alone either. As you read this, there are more than a 1,000 people also reading too. Also feeling the same way – having to make that transition too. That is what it is – a transition.
Its either – repeat the same thing over – or start to paint a new picture on that blank canvas!!
Gaslighted…when I read this part of your post:
“It’s hard to imagine I will ever feel a love that strong again. I know it was all calculated, manipulated etc…but it still was the strongest, most intense connection and love I have ever experienced. Amazing sex, amazing laughter, amazing times together. Whether thats fake or not, how do you top it?”
I found this:
“a tidal wave of euphoria that sweeps away every negative thought in my head. I’ve never felt so alive, so hopeful — and I’ve never felt such energy.”
Does that pretty much describe it? Does a pretty good job for me.
The quote is from Andre Agassi describing what it’s like to be high on crystal meth.
I think the rush from the predator is no less addictive and coping with it requires, I think, similar processing mechanisms.
Just a thought. =)
yes, that is absolutely accurate. Its like, I remember telling all my friends and family when it started “I know how this is going to end, but i dont care. I know better, but i dont care, I need to feel this.” Completely addicting.
The coping and withdrawls are definitely similar…although I am starting to feel lighter, cleaner, more at peace, more loving, more attentive to others. More eye contact to others.
I think what hurts my pride the most is knowing that I wasnt the only one, after all this time. You know? Everyone wants to be validated and feel that special. Just wasnt that way, I suppose. Especially considering the “no contact” rule seems to not effect him what so ever.
I say, who gives a flying rat fart about him? This is about YOU! =)
Thank you, thank you, thank you. To everyone. It is an amazing feeling to not feel crazy or alone in all of this. I am amazed at the amount of followers in such a short amount of time. What a huge contribution you are to this life and all of us (including you) going through this process. Amazing. Thank you.
Hi, GL….wanted to see how you were doing. You’re in the toughest part right now. It gets better. I keep feeling like I want to send a letter or a text or something to let him know that I know what he is, to unleash my anger and to cause him shame (he’s a narcissist, not a sociopath). But then I remember that ANY attention is narcissistic supply, and that the best “revenge” against someone like that is to erase them.
You are right Barbara. Any attention is narcissistic supply (to the Narcissist) – he would simply think (to himself) ah look she is obsessed with me, and will likely tell other people too.
* Initially hid the fact that he was married.
* Flirted with me shamelessly and openly.
* Told me his wife was insulting, belittling, critical, etc. I felt sorry for him.
* He said he was looking for someone else. I pursued me and I fell in love with him.
* Toyed with me for flirtation and sex for as long as he felt he needed it.
* Never truly cared about anything more than the sex.
* Made excuses to come hang at my house so that he could get massages from me. Pretending to do me favours by fixing the broken stuff around the house so I would “re-pay” him with sex.
* Told me I’m stupid if I think our relationship is anything other than fooling around.
* Regularly called me “bitch”.
* Told me to just suck it up if I needed his support somehow.
* Made me keep quiet about all our talks lest he gets in trouble with his wife.
* Pressured me for the sex; I often felt anxious and reluctant, but he groomed me about how normal it was to send him naked photos with me doing all kinds of lewd things.
* Stopped the sexual part because he said he wanted to live a burden-free life; then had sex with me again, anyway, and forbade me to talk about it.
* Made all kinds of promises about teaching me about his line of work, and it’s not happening.
* Made me promise to stand by him for life while now he’s backing off.
* Never apologizes or shows remorse.
* I had a painful operation during which he displayed no sympathy or concern.
* Major victim complex about how women have hurt him after he was “a true gentleman”.
* Withholding emotional support now that I really need it.
* Blowing me off for work, ignores me, doesn’t care about what’s going on in my life.
* I’m scared he might insult me and just shun me if I talk to him.
* Can be very fun and cute and interesting to lure you in, grandiose statements about how hot he is. Empty promises about visits, breaks promises.
* Martyr complex about how he’s always helping others and they just use him.
I was roped in for almost six months.
That sounds like awful emotional abuse Anon – are you out of the relationship now?
literally, bullet point for bullet point, sounds like my dude. hmm.
Hi Barbara! Thanks for checking up…I have been doing okay. Like I said in my post before, I strangely feel nothing. And I am not sure if that is because I have felt so strongly for so long towards him that I just now dont feel anything anymore??
At the end of one of these blog posts, I read it perfectly…it said “It’s like realizing santa isnt real anymore…” And, thats how I feel. It isnt fun anymore. Santa isnt real. And as much as I wish I didnt know santa wast real, so I could go back to that innocence and excitement, nothing will ever take me back there. I feel a large exhale and strange release with that thought. There is the sadness of loss and grief for the passing of an “idea”, so to speak…and the unfamiliar recognition that I have no clue at all who he is, but to feel anything at all towards him as a person? I am still at a loss.
I havent found any words that I want to say to him. Again, its like yelling at santa for being fake. Santa knew he was fake. I just believed it. So, jokes on me? I really dont know.
I have established no contact for a majority of it, but there have been one or two texts exchanged over the last 10 days. Mostly I respond with one or two word phraises, dismissing whatever it is that he is proposing. Last week, he was asking if I felt like getting together. Still no apology or indication that he wanted to apologize to me. So, since he falls under the category of someone i wouldnt want to piss off with his violent potential and ability to get away with literally murder based on his security clearance with the government and access to information, I keep it simple and amicable.
So, at that time, I tell him I dont know if I want to get together, but would let him know if/when I did. I dont want to get together, but i also dont want to come right out and tell him that ether. Then messages are exchanged about how much I mean to him, and if I cant realize than he has nothing left etc. Still no apology or explanation for girl “C” in the picture.
There has not been the usual display of “I miss you” (he said it once or twice) or “I love you” or the begging calls or texts to see me, talk to me, explain himself etc. I have dated plenty of guys where if this is the direction a relationship goes, naturally, we all grasp at straws to make sure it doesnt end, or so we try anyway.
In this case, there has been little to no attempt to patch anything up at all. I am left with “If thats what you think, than it is what it is” type comments and no real urge or desire to change things. I received a text tonight that said “Just so you know, no hard feelings about anything”……And the text has left me completely confused, lost, frustrated etc.
Hard feelings towards what??? Frustrates me so much to even read that. I wasnt the one caught lying or cheating. Im the one affected by it. How could you have hard feelings towards ME? Is this a good example of gaslighting? Confusing the hell out of me to make me think that I was the irrational or crazy one for reacting so strongly when I found out?
Makes no sense. I also thought maybe this is a ploy for control since maybe he senses I have been pulling away to end things for good. We haven’t seen each other since I caught him (over a week) and have scarcely talked. So, I am not sure if his whole tone changed to match mine and my intentions? Or if he truly would classify the whirlwind we just went through a situation as easy as saying “no hard feelings, have a nice life”.
And based on the length of this response/post, I can tell that I have clearly put way more thought into his simple, manipulative response, which is probably exactly what he hoped for….sheesh. Cant get away from it, even when I am getting away from it.
P.S….Positivagirl…I have noted more than once you saying you are highly spiritual person, as am I. Not in a religions sense, but in an energetic, chakra, meditation, yogic, clearing type way. Is this at all the basis you use to connect spiritually? If so, besides energy clearings and meditations, do you have any recommendations? I have been practicing gratitude/manifesting/delegations (as suggested in your recovery list) for the last 2 years each and every morning, so I feel like I am ready to ramp up the spiritual evolution process, especially considering this recent chapter coming to an end. I keep asking to be open to all I need to learn from all of this, for myself and for my future…
Doesn’t it just drive you batsh*t that the thing you want most is to STOP thinking about him and you just can’t? Urrrgggg!!! I say, yes, he’s trying different strategies to rope you back in. Remember…any attention is supply, but I understand your reasons for playing it cool. After hearing stories about how the guy I was entangled by would stand outside of his ex wife’s home and glare at it, I decided to not piss him off…nothing constructive can come from that.
I’ve been processing for a bit (and I’m finding EMDR therapy to be quite useful), but I’ve also been listening to some self-hypnosis. I’ve been using one called “Getting Over a Broken Relationship” by Rosanna Leaton. Now, while this title is a vast understatement, I’ve been finding it to be useful to help me move on.
I can’t help but respond to your spiritual question as well. Not sure you would find this your cup of tea, but I dipped back into my old Wicca practice and ran some banishing spells. Whether they work or not, sending those intentions in the universe couldn’t hurt, right? If you’re interested, I can point you in a direction, but there’s lots out there to help you develop whatever kind of ritual feels right to you. I also burn white sage pretty constantly. Not the BEST smell, but I kind of like it, and white sage is said to be a very good cleanser.
HI GL I am glad that the Santa analogy helped you!, You can at least know that if Santa isn’t real YOU and YOUR feelings are real (and normal) as I felt that way too.
In terms of spiritual. If he came into my mind, I would shut his energy out and do something else. That stops him from linking in with me. I continued to do meditation which helps keep me centred. I worked hard on ME, that was difficult for me to do, tried to take focus away from
Thanks all. I really was feeling good, complete, solid with everything going on. He would try to send little sentimental text here or there and they literally rolled off my back, like, santa isnt real, this is all fun and games, it can be over now. I wouldnt really think much about it and it actually felt great. But, as soon as he sent me the text about “no hard feelings”, its almost as if his mass indifference, or casualness just pisses me off because the last few months have been anything but that. After telling me, he cant lose me again, he cant go through another falling out with me, he cant not have me in his life again…it suddenly shifts to “no hard feelings!”. No idea where his head is at with that one, but its obviously a completely different approach than whatever he was using before. Unless he is just matching and mirroring my non-chalance as well?
Any attention at all is supply. I like that. Something I need to become aware of . As much as it makes me sick he obviously has multiple sources of supply, i cant get around the fact that I am “just another”. Amazing how someone can become so engrained in your experience and then just drop off the map.
In a spiritual, “Me”, sense, I will give it all a try. I have been noticing that on top of not really “feeling” any massive sadness or anger, I have just been feeling numb. And sleeping a lot. I have been going to work, and then doing some cooking or cleaning, as well as going outside to enjoy the weather or get exercise. I have definitely been making myself go the extra inch beyond what I feel like doing. But damn it, sometimes i just feel like sleeping and laying down. Can I do that? Is it okay to take this time and space without dropping off into complete void? Im confused why things arent hurting me or devastating me like they have in the past, although I am completely 100% okay with that. In years past, when we would get to this point, I would literally be crippled with pain and unable to function without some sort of depressant in my system. So incredibly unhealthy, but the pain was literally unbearable without it. Of course, never heard from him or his pain during that time – he just disappeared. But now? Like I keep saying, I dont feel anything close to that. Disappointment? Sure. But it literally is like “no hard feelings” even if it is bulls*it that he is saying it too. Of course, it just stings worse when I hear it from him instead of me being able to be in that place. Bothers me that I even care what place he is in with his process. I just want to make sure the numbness and indifference is normal at some point in this process.
One thing that was prominent in our relationship was a clear, energetic and spiritual connection. Sure, maybe some of this was fabricated to get closer to me, but the energetic connection, at least on my end, I absolutely could FEEL things in him and about him without him even being around. For instance, I could FEEL when he was about to come back in my life, because he would show up in my awareness (or vise versa?). I could FEEL when he was arguing with his wife, because I would get strong bouts of anxiety and not understand why…So, now that we are physically separated, can he feel where I am at in this process? Not in an emotional/psychological sense, but in an energetic sense (since we are all composed and made up of energy). Or, I just had this thought…is my numbness and calmness related to me feeling what he is feeling in this process too? I strongly believe in energetic connections and energies being intertwined. Almost as if he felt me clear all of his things out of my flat two nights ago, because thats when he texted me.
Hope all that doesnt sound too far out there…But the question about energy is essentially…although my intention is to sever the energetic cord, can he feel where i am at and can I feel where he is at in all this? I guess the most important thing is to guard my energy and align with higher conscious beings no matter what, but I am curious as to how all this is being experienced energetically, whether shared or separate.
Also, I had a dream last night that I was hanging out and friends with his wife. Which, she is a sweet woman. I wouldnt have a problem talking to her and being friends with her one day – although i just want the drama to stop…not keep it going – but damn it, when will the dreams stop? Its like I wake up exhausted too…
In terms of your dreams, I believe (and I can’t say this is true) that when we sleep we go home to spirit. As for sleeping, and wanting to sleep, this can be depression (if you think so, see your GP), but for my personal experience, i think that we need to sleep, to recharge our batteries, it is good for us. Relationships with the sociopath are draining. You need the sleep to catch up. You did say that you were spiritual and asked me about that, so in terms of him connecting to your energy, it can be useful to ask Archangel Michael to help you cut the chords which bind you. You can see videos on youtube to help you to do this (I have done this and it has worked) but be warned you will probably feel him gone! … i found it worked.. see here, and pick which one you feel drawn to! https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=archangel+michael+cutting+cords&oq=archange&gs_l=youtube.1.0.35i39j0l9.1287.2995.0.4977.8.8.0.0.0.0.254.1085.3j4j1.8.0…0.0…1ac.1.11.youtube.T_yndHw4KA8 For dream interpretation a site that I love is http://www.dreammoods.com/ I use it when I wake with those kind of dreams.
Debra Jun 6, 4:21 pm
OH MY, it’s been 7 years for me, seven years of a living hell and I was so in love and so understanding that it blinded me from what my partner actually was.
I had made notes on my calendar throughout the years every time something happened, and only until now have I understood what I was going through. It’s a very sad situation when you realize you have wasted years of your life and have shed so many tears & depression over a person who basically just uses you & manipulates your heart, your mind and your life – for nothing but the fact that they have no conscience and they truly do have a psychological problem they cannot fix. Sadly they do not realize how much they hurt others, and that part alone is the scariest thought because they will continue their lives doing this to other pour souls who cross their path.
I’ve been through it all:
– lies about his home life, stated he was ‘separated’ only a year later did I find out he was married still living with his wife
– lied about his job which was non-existant
– flirted with friends/strangers alike to the point of starting orgies
– problems with strangers, as he is very blunt and does not care what he says to people
– problems with police officers, throwing water bottles, hot dogs, whatever he has in his hands after the bar and starts trouble
– always centre of attention, the joker, the one who goes on stage and entertains everyone
– very high sex drive / attractive man
– promiscuous nature, finding out months sometimes a year later of girls he met online/bar which he had one night stands with or a relationship with
– loving, kind towards me but within a week or two always dealt with verbal abuse over one issue or other which he caused
– blamed me for problems which arised due to his own actions
– never met his close friends or buddies or family members to see his other life (he always kept his personal life separate, there was always one reason or another of why it wasn’t possible over the years)
– puts people against you, alienates you from your family and friends until all you have is him
– drinking problem, alcohol which made him grab women in bars (breasts, bottom etc) in front of me caught when I wasn’t looking or when he thought i wasn’t around, and there were many times it was done in front of my face & I was told it was just ‘fun’ and drunkeness that made him do it
– as much as i have a good heart, am shy, very attractive as a woman, it did not matter to him to lie in my face and have no empathy that he was hurting me with other women
– there were times i had proof of his lies and I wouldn’t let him know what I knew & I watched him casually tell me otherwise like it was second nature, it hurt to see this knowing the truth
– always stated he was in love with me and wanted to marry me, but constantly cheated and lied nonetheless out of just pure thrill, I believe they unknowingly get some type of high from this to others, the lying & cheating is exciting
– very intelligent, yet uses this to their advantage to manipulate others
My last day was two weeks ago, I waited on him all day for a ‘weekend’ he supposedly wanted to spend with me..
Friday night excuse was he forgot about a friends husband’s birthday party (i wasn’t able to go as i live an hour away) I later found out he was at a bbq party with friends and women he had associations with.
Saturday comes along, I received many excuses in the morning as to why I was unable to join him at an ‘antique show’ due to him going early at 8am with family, he ended up not going at all as I later found out he as at this party from the night before and was still enjoying the festivities the next day and was lying to me all along.
I spend the day cleaning my home, changing my sheets, buying groceries for our weekend, buying his favorite wine.. he finally showed up at 7:30pm, said he was tired and wanted to stay in, he wanted to sit in the car when I sat in to let me know of his day while we were parked, I stated I did not want to sit in a hot car to listen to him tell me about his day, I suggested we could go to a book store if he was tired, sit and have a coffee and he can tell me of his day and then we can go home and hang in if he was tired.
I was stuck most of my day indoors, waiting on him and doing things for us in preparation, it wasn’t too much to ask to step out.
Mind you at this time I had already known where he spend Friday night and most of Saturday and I was sad, and because I loved him so much I didn’t bring it up not to upset him.
Well, as we are driving within 10min he gets angry because he wants to tell me about his day (his lies, not the truth).. I had expressed to him only that I would have liked to join him at the antique show Saturday morning ( I had asked the night prior but he said he was tired and wanted to go to bed) in the morning he just ignored what I said & left without me.. keep in mind you I said this calmly, lovingly and politely, as I do not like seeing his anger. Well within 10min into our ride, after me stating only that I would have liked to join him and wished he would have planned it with me – HE BLOWS UP, starts to get upset hitting & banging at the steering wheel yelling and screaming at me of how much stress he has coming from all angles (as he lives with his parents and has a daughter from previous marriage that only lasted 2yrs) as he is doing this acting like a psychotic maniac, he utters ‘im turning around and going home, i had enough of this sh#t’ WOW
For the first time, I snapped, I don’t know what happened, with his yelling and telling me he was going home after the day I had I immediately opened the car door as he was driving along the lakeshore, I wanted to get out.
I have never done that before or acted that way the mere shock of what he had done and how he was treating me in my face, knowing full well he is lying to me, was something I will never forget.
He was in the center lane and he pulled over within a minute and watched me get out. Now, I know he is lying as I received photo proof of where he was and with whom, he knows he is lying but doesn’t realize I know, and yet he still treated me that way? UNBELIEVABLE
It took me a little over a half hour to get home walking. Not once did he try to stop me from getting out of the car, he didnt come looking for me, but he did text me in capital letters how I could have caused an accident (we were barely going 20km at the time), and how I could have ruined his career (which he does not have, he is still going to college, his 3rd attempt, failing some courses already) but this is how narcissistic sociopaths are.. this is what they do, this is how they treat you and it was not the first time.
Sadly this happened once before after waiting on him most of the day, preparing for his arrival, he never showed up & cancelled on me using the excuse that I didn’t want to drive half way and meet him..
I never responded to any of his texts after he made me walk home in the cold that night, I felt worthless, I realized I had been fooled for 6 years.I was numb on my walk home in disbelief that this has been my life
He has sent me angry emails and texts since this happened, it’s been 2 weeks – I have not responded to any (as he enjoys the blame game and arguing to the point where he wont make you sleep for a week just from you trying to wrap your brain around all the harsh words and put downs he throws at you).
I always forgave him, for many many things he has done to me, in front of me and behind my back..
I guess it took for me to watch him lie to me for days knowing the truth, and it crushed me and devastated me to watch him do this to my face and not have a care in the world of how he was deceiving me and lying to me. It took this last time for me to actually realize the relationship was all a lie – I was faithful and loving and in it wholeheartedly, he wasn’t.
As hard as it is, and has been, I have not contacted him, I have changed my number and I am having a difficult time because throughout the years he has alienated me from my family and my friends. I am alone more than ever, but I had to do this, my life, my self esteem, my self worth is all gone.
Sadly, the peace and solace I feel not reading or hearing his harsh words towards me, degrading me & not listening to the constant lies & stories, not being manipulated any longer, and not spending nights and weekends worrying or stressing over issues he brings into my life – has been the first feeling of peace I have felt in a long time.
It’s a daily struggle trying to forget, trying not to call or text, because I was in love, this was what I believed to be my soulmate, my life. But it was nothing but a lie, I was just one of many, for no other reason but the fact that he cannot control his sociopathic nature.
I don’t know what the future will hold for me, I don’t know if I will fully recover, I don’t know if I will ever heal from this, but I am going to try – it’s all I have left to save myself from this.
For those of you who have experienced a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath
Good Luck to you all & God Bless you all
confused and lost Jun 5, 2:00 pm
As a guy who was used by a sociopath I can say I completely feel for all of you.. I’m in Australia and mine came from the states.. Lured me in on a spiritual forum and pretended, and still feigns to be one on the path of light.. She has a husband and a child and cares not for any of them.. Her whole family has turned against her due to what she did to her child husband and me..
Her mother told me not to feel bad, that she falls for her lies even to this day.
I’m still reeling from the heartbreak, and have lost all sense of confidence.. Probably doesn’t help that I’m borderline the polar opposite of a sociopath, too many feelings with no control. But this girl seemed to level me out, and for the first time in my life I felt settled. She claimed we were twin flames, and it sure felt that way.
Wow what a shock I got when this all turned out to be one massive lie. I’m completely terrified of meeting anyone now. Have crushed self confidence and feel like the ugliest bastard on the planet.. I apologise for the pity party, but this felt like a good place to share…
You aren’t the ugliest bastard on the planet…regardless of your physical appearance, to have compassion and a soul makes you more attractive than someone who doesnt have the ability to feel anything at all. So, while the soc might make you feel like your looks are all that matters, etc, thats not the case. Although I doubt you are as unattractive as you are feeling now.
I was also “duped” by the spiritual game when he would ask to come to yoga with me, meditate with me etc. and get in deep conversations with me about my spiritual journey and how bad he wanted to feel that. I dont doubt that he did, but he also fell off the spiritual map when he decided to start lying to everyone again to get what he wanted (me, ex wife, etc) and spin a story to look a certain way, and then would hold it against me when I wouldnt “help” him anymore with his path to light, even though he had all the tools he needed. You cant manipulate God or spirituality. Never wanted to surrender the ego, or couldnt anyway.
I’m sorry you are hurting. I am too, but am trying to do things to keep my mind off of it (although I am not sure if a forum helps or hurts?). It takes a lot to bounce back from that feeling. Fortunately, I have made this mistake numerous times and know that I CAN bounce back from it, and so can you. I know its unfamiliar and its strange to look at yourself in the mirror and imagine that you didnt know better. But, never cut yourself down for being a loving, compassionate, trusting person. You werent the wrong one. Its wrong for someone to take advantage of that gift.
There are people out there ready to receive it. Since you are spiritual, you will understand the power of intention setting. As of late, I have been setting the intention out there to “release all things that do not serve me” and “release all people, beings or experiences that are not aligned with ultimate Truth, unconditional love, bliss, etc”. Practice being open and ready to receive all of the joy, abundance, etc in your experience….and maybe sit in meditation and ask yourself what you were aligned with to attract someone who wanted to just take from you. Is there a sense of validation there from someone who “needs” you? and does it hurt worse when they dont? Sorry for being brutally honest, but I am literally going through the same stages in my own personal/spiritual process. Ask the universe what you are supposed to learn from all of this and see in YOURSELF in all of this (because, ultimately this is a lesson for you, and just a pattern for them)….and remember to be easy on you…be easy on yourself. If someone yelled at a kid for falling off his bike when the training wheels were off, he would never try again. A scraped knee is enough punishment. He will learn. And so will you. But does that mean he never rides a bike again? No, that just means he is better at balancing, steering, breaking etc. Relationships are not black or white. And although the person you were dealing with was a toxic acception, you are not. And you deserve all of the wonderful things you have coming to you.
Well said GL!!! 🙂
can you tell I did the cord cutting meditation last night?! 🙂 phew. Smudged my entire flat. Meditated. And although I had a glimpse of fear,ego today, I am just trying to reduce the moments of fear and anxiety associated with it.
Today, I thought to myself, what if he goes back with his ex? And for some reason the thought bothers me. Hurts my ego. But really, I am trying to understand and accept that he is who he is…and to not have him part of my life anymore was MY choice. Not his. So, I cant play victim when I am choosing something better for myself. It sucks to know he will get what he needs from another source, but I am trying hard to not make it personal. It has nothing to do with me, and really has nothing to do with her. It has everything to do with him. Right?? I dont know. Any thoughts or guidance on this topic would be helpful. I know it shouldn’t bother me which direction eh goes from here, especially since it was MY CHOICE to move in a different direction…but part of me also doenst want to acknowledge that.
I am still going through ups and downs…and maybe I always will? but I am working hard to reduce the times of the “downs” and increase the times of the “ups”. Getting up a half hour earlier. Working an hour longer. Getting myself back into the rhythms that help me function highly. It is still relatively new for me and am coming off the numbing phase of it. I go through bouts of anger and frustration to literally not having the energy for any of it and just being “done”.
So strange how the perspective shifts once you cut the puppet strings though…it becomes so amazingly apparent what is going on and how they are trying to manipulate you once you recognize it. And likewise, when you reflect on all of those “amazing” times, once you pair those memories with what the likely truth was behind them, its disgusting. I have a highlight reel of ever single time I was one foot in, one foot out the door, turning to see the look on his face and the plea in his conversation and some bullshit rationalization he gave me for why X, Y and Z was occuring, all of which I believed.
I went out with my best friend tonight for dinner and drinks. She was surprised to learn that i am STILL as done as I was last time I saw her (she is familiar with the roller coaster/pattern) and after talking to her tonight, she said to me “Its good to finally have you back”…I asked her to explain to me how I was…explain to me what she observed in me…And my parents said the same thing. Me, a strong willed, driven, attractive woman with the world at her fingertips, turned to jello, couldnt stick up for herself, and was justifying the most ridiculous circumstances. It’s amazing to hear someone describe you during those dramatic months, and to not even be able to recognize yourself.
And, yeah, it’s good to feel like myself again too. The more I am going out and associating with my friends, laughing hard with them, and seeing that I CAN still feel and that my whole life isnt ruined, its really encouraging.
And, reading all of these affirming stories definitely help too.
GL, that is so great that you’re reclaiming your life! Yay you!!!
I’ve had some revelations that may not be popular, but I trust that I can speak my truth – and so I’m going to talk in terms of just me, but perhaps it may resonate on some level with others.
I’ve known for some time that I keep picking the wrong guys in my life. I’ve long suspected weak boundaries on my part (I’m just starting to understand the concept of boundaries). In the end, I’m coming to accept that I’m codependent. Acceptance is the first step in healing, right? I have to take responsibility for my part in all of this…yes, I was lovebombed, but I also ignored the red flags, refused to believe what was right in front of me. I can’t help but think that if I’d had more love for myself, more self-validation, more defined boundaries, that I would have turned away from him early on and never looked back. I would have taken better care of myself. I think it’s safe to say that we all know on a gut level when someone is no good for us. What was it that made me ignore my gut? I came to the conclusion a while ago that I keep picking the wrong guys because I keep trying to rewrite the script of neglect and abandonment at the hands of my father.
Stay with me now…
I’ve realized that in many ways, all of this was never about the Narcissist!!! Yes, he is deeply injured, but in my own way, knowing the existence of the red flags but then IGNORING them, I ALSO CHOSE HIM. But it wasn’t about him. It was about my unresolved issues with my father, my unhealed injuries from my childhood. The N was merely a caricature – an exagerrated mimickry of those behaviors of my own father – his failure to take responsibility, his blaming me for his deceits, his abandonment. I chose the N because I needed my pain to reach critical mass – to go from knowing analytically WHY I was choosing the wrong guys to bellying up to the bar and DEALING with the source issues on the emotional level (therapy works, folks and this EMDR protocol is da bomb!) =)
I didn’t make this choice consciously, but looking back, I see that it WAS a CHOICE. I used to try to take the high road by being grateful to him for bringing me back to the work on myself. I realize now that the thought is ludicrous! Just because you learn how to purge poison from your system doesn’t mean that you should be grateful to the snake for biting you! The gratitude is for myself when I learn how to avoid getting near the snake to begin with!
Now, this may not be popular, and again, only speaking for myself, but we play a part in all of this too. If we fail to take responsibility for that, then we are no better than they are. The fact is, because I am learning to not only take responsibility for getting into this in the first place but to embrace it, I empower myself to resolve it. It was my choice, and so, resolution is in my hands.
I share this because I feel that it’s incredibly liberating! How can I be a victim if, on any level, it was my choice to be there? There is no shame in that choice – it was what my heart needed to create in order to propel me forward. I can’t let go of or release something that has no power over me and thus, no hold on me – it is an unnecessary step. HE NEVER had power over me, my past, however, did.
I’ll never get closure from the N. The fact is, I don’t need it. HE isn’t the one I need closure, with, and so I’ve taken steps to heal past injuries and confronted my father (even as I learn to take responsibility for the choices that I continue to make as a result.) THAT is the closure I’m really looking for. The N can never and will never give me that closure (even if he wanted to) and it doesn’t matter – because it never was and never will be about him. It’s about me.
Enjoy your residence in the obscure footnotes of my life, N.
It’s so true. Know Im trying to use my energy on try to understand what happens with me .
I agree with you! Don’t think my dad was my issue but i am definitely a codependent and always want to feel secure and protected by a man!! Why??? I am a strong intelligent woman! Why do i need a man to validate this for me? I am planning on getting myself back and am not planning on letting another man into my life for a long long time! I’ve spent 21 years with 2 sociopaths(I’m only 42, so that’s half my life exactly!)
To be honest I don’t think letting a man near me at the moment would be fair on him, I’m definitely damaged goods!! That’s not meant as a self criticism, just the truth!
Here’s my lengthy story. It’s lengthy because it just peeked it’s dangerous head this week!
This very week, I found out that my boyfriend of six years got married in Michigan last year and just renewed their vows in March of this year. The problem is that he was with both of us the entire time without either of us knowing. He moved to Atlanta with me 3 years ago and we bought a house together. His wife believes he lives in Tennessee for a job.
I found credit cards neither of us knew about with charges in both states. That’s what made me investigate further. He had three cell phones (one that he uses for his wife in Michigan), and two here (one for everyone in his family, friends, work and me, etc. I assume the phone he just got is for anew ATL mistress. How do I know, because he has taken two “boys” trips camping and fishing for the weekend with let’s just say Bill and Jake. I called Bill today and he says “I don’t fish…that’s not me”. Jake says, no I have not talked to him but we are supposed to go golfing tomorrow. Now mind you, on the phone, he told me that they were loading up again with both Jake and Bill to fish off a boat all day and they camped out all night last night. Uh-hmm!
He had two other on-going relationships with two women during our time together (one for 2 months and 1 for 8 months). I did not fret so much over the 8 month one because she lived far away and the girl admitted to never meeting his family, friends, or spend any quality time with him (maybe 4 times in 8 months tops). Also, during that time I cheated on him with two guys. The reason why is because he pressured me so fast to move in (within 3 weeks), get married (within 6 months), have a baby, etc. But, I found out he was saying the exact same thing to the other women who thought they were exclusive. Throughout all of this, I remained the constant. He asked me to marry him and bought rings several times but I just could not get to the point of doing it because of my instinct. He moved to ATL with me from Michigan leaving his two daughters (who he loves dearly). Since moving here, he goes back to Michigan every 3-4 months. We have taken trips together, he buys me gifts, help raise my kids, but got married at the justice of the peace March 2012 with a reception March 2013 without any indication of this. He made it seem as if he was seeing his girls during those occasional trips. He took no other trips for work or otherwise. He always left on Thursday afternoon and cam home on the first plane Monday morning He lies about EVERYTHING big or small for absolutely no reason. I could say where did you just go? He would say working out but he actually went shopping.
It’s only God that I have been communicating lately with a good friend from college and she knows the “other married woman”. They are in a sorority with each other. She helped me put two and two together and now the wife is getting the info. However, she accuses me of stalking and said don’t contact her again when I was only emailing her to give details so she would understand what she is up against. She told his sister a couple of months ago that she was upset that out of all the time they have been together (10 years), that she had never met his family AT ALL until this year (after the wedding). On the other hand, I know his family very well. They (mom, sis, aunt) came to visit us in ATL last summer. We exchange gifts, and I’m at all of the functions. Well that was until last year.The whole family knows about this sensitive issue and he keeps it going.
I found out on Tuesday about this cheating and the married only this evening. His ASS was gone on Tuesday. I packed his bags any kind of way and threw his bags out of the door, broke his laptop, pulled all of the buttons from his shirts as I took them off the hangers, and other malicious type of behavior;-) He took me for $20,000 over these past 6 years!!! I was very smart once I found out everything. I have copies of these credit cards that he was maintaining at his parents house (he is 40 yrs old), his phone records, a recording I did with him asking very specific questions about the “fling” he said he had with this woman on Tuesday (who was actually the wife), etc. I presented it to his wife. I only hope she sees him like he is before too much more time passes. I feel sorry for all involved. He was so selfish to have his daughters (ages 13 and 17) lie to both women, parents (ministers) feel caught in the middle, string my 12 year old along for the ride as his fill-in dad (he lost his dad in 2008), and ruin all of these women’s lives. in the past years I am aware of. His sister confided in me tonight that he did the same thing to his first wife of ten years…but he also hit her. He has never done any of that to me. I think I was his go to and the others were his sides because I have been the most involved in his life. The nerve of him asking me to marry him the week of Jan 1st this year!!! It’s scary to know that there are men out there like that. Just as your article says…he’s a charmer and sex was great. Hard to leave but I care about my self far too much! Thanks for your article! P.S….now the legal battle begins since he is technically married but bought a house with me prior to!
Torn…
I am doing my best to clean up my end and move forward from all of this.
Part of that includes apologizing to the woman he was in a relationship when he also decided to get involved with me. I feel I owe her an apology, but an fairly certain she would never want to hear from me. Especially since she is also working on putting her world back together. I selfishly feel the need to speak my truth to her, but dont want to cause her any more pain. I want to tell her how sorry I am for being involved, and for causing her pain.
At the same time, I am fairly certain she would tell the Soc about my letter, and I am somewhat afraid of how he would respond. I have no intentions of bad mouthing him or giving her any details. I just wanted to clean up my side of the fence and apoligize for my involvement. At the same time, I dont want to do something that he will negatively react to. I am somewhat afraid because he is a loose cannon.
How do I get clear of my wrong doings with her, without pissing him off? Can I ever have closure there either? I am afraid that I will never be able to make the situation right, without putting myself in a dangerous situation either. I really want to make peace and apologize…but I really dont want to fear any repercussions that could come from that on his end if/when he finds out.
Thoughts? suggestions?
This whole situation has been weighing heavily on me…I am feeling so shameful for not seeing through it and so shameful for causing her pain in the process. I was also lied to, manipulated and told to believe something else, though, too. She doesnt know that though. All she knows is what he tells her. I really want to do the right thing, wash my hands of it and move on. But I am afraid that I will not be able to move on without a proper apology, and am also afraid I will not be able to apologize without putting myself in danger. Im really stuck here, everyone.
Please let me know what your thoughts are…
Is there any chance she would reach out to me down the road?? Should I wait for that? I dont want to carry this around with me for years to come. I really want to make peace with it. It is making me physically, emotionally, spiritually sick. 😦
Hey I know that you want to make peace. But the real issue here GL is that you want to make peace within yourself.
You feel bad that you have hurt somebody else. But realistically did you know that he was with someone?
You could send her a facebook message? But I do not know how it would be received. I talked to 2 of my sociopaths exes, they both had the same to say about him. They were both opening and friendly with me. I guess it helped with their pain too? As they had also been hurt by him.
Do you know what her facebook is? That might be easy as you can write and send and if she doesn’t reply she doesnt.
But what you are asking for is for her to forgive you, but really you need to forgive yourself.
Realise that this wasn’t you, it was him. And forget about his feelings – he doesnt feel too much anyway …. honestly….. if he rants and rages so what? His feelings are not important. it is your feelings that are important.
Well I don’t want to be put in a situation where I am in danger or causing more pain to them. Yes, I did know they were together but also in the process of splitting up. What I didn’t know was that SHE didn’t know they were in the process of splitting up. She found out about me and there is a lot of anger and resentment, for good reason.
I don’t want to write her a letter and have it stir up feelings of anger while they are going through a divorce. I don’t want to make things any worse. And part of me wonders if my need to apologize is simply so I can get clear with myself? What could I ever honestly say to her to make it better. Nothing. She likely doesn’t want to hear from me.
I do want to get clear with myself. It’s been 2 weeks since I have seen him or been with him and now that the fog is lifting I am feeling incredibly depressed, ashamed etc for everything that happened. Yes, I was also lied to and manipulated but I should have known better. It literally is making me sick and hard to sleep. But I don’t want to come to her and make things worse. She will never like me, and it would likely rock the boat with their legal proceedings.
I don’t know how to get right from this. I’m afriad I won’t be able to move past this. I feel so low and sick to my stomach. I just wish I could have seen things this clear from the beginning and never listened to him or got involved…but it “felt so right” and we had this “amazing connection”. I completely lost myself and I don’t know how to get it back.
Are they still together then GL? Or have they split?
Thank you for this!! I just responded similarly on the forum, and didn’t realize you were here…so, sorry if there is some repeat! You are right. I feel good about making it more about me with less anger. I need to make a more conscious effort to will him out of my experience, in all good and bad ways, Instead of waiting for the next text designed to “get to me”. Ugh. What a process.
I am in both places. I did reply to you there too GL. I see the messages for both at the same time. Good am glad that you are starting to see it as less about you, as the truth is, there is little you can do with a sane mind, to sort out the disordered mind. They just don’t think logically.
Be careful! I’m sure that she will appreciate an apology, but I’m sure the sociopath have already played with her mind giving her his version of the story and is easiest to blame a third party than the loved one.
Remember the sociopath will make everything to avoid any communication between their exes.
In my personal experience his ex contact me -at first to fight with me, I didn’t know that they were still “together”- and months later when they split for real (we were still together) we have the opportunity to talk again I have the opportunity to apologize, we talked, cried and compared notes ( mine is a rebound relationship after 23 years of our first attempt) I thought that we were on “peace” . What I never imagined is that she was still one of his “suppliers” ( I didn’t have at the time an idea of what is a sociopath)and with his tricks began to talk bad about me to her and that he wanted to be with her again, she admitted to him about our conversations and he convinced her to call me many times as he was listening to the conversations. I dont believe that both of them have do something like that. Its not until now that I understand the damage that a sociopath can do. So please whatever is your decision, be careful to avoid bringing more damage and guilt to you.
Forgive yourself, GL. You are not responsible for the feelings of others. You didn’t act maliciously, did you? You can own your own feelings and actions, but you can only act on the knowledge you have. And one more thing: how are YOU responsible for HIS two-timing the both of you? That isn’t something you own…HE does. You don’t need to feel responsible for the feelings of the other woman and you should not be trying to heal/clean up his messes.
They have separated and are in the process of a divorce
Joseph Jun 13, 2:16 am
Took me 18 months to realize that my girl friend was a sociopath. Working on getting out of it right now. She has two kids from her exhusband who love me dearly and whom i love. The biggest sign for me right away was that her stories always seemed to change. If i asked her the same question four times it was four different replies. And when i called her out it was scary, she acted like she couldn’t remember what i was talking about. For example she’d say i checked out a new church today and loved it, on Sunday. On Tuesday she’d say ugh, i’m such a heathen i haven’t been to church in 6 months. The most hurtful part was every fight was my fault! Even if you have proof, it’s ALWAYS, your fault. They refuse to not win and will never back down. And they will make you feel terrible. She is constantly telling me, obviously you don’t know my heart!! And if i’d only love God i wouldn’t worry about such “petty” stuff. My feelings and emotions are always petty or bullsh**. She totally has the sociopathic stare, to a T!! I just realized that. The other thing is the constant need for male facebook attention. Friends with every exboyfriend even though they were cheating douche bags. The two huge things to me are a) things that bother me are my issue, not hers to change. and b) the giant divide of who she is and how she is with how she wants people to see her. She is constantly telling me, i’m not a liar i don’t lie and i’m not a slut. She posts Christian messages while posting bikini pictures from 10 years ago. The sex thing is HUGE, constantly telling me how lucky i am that we have sex often and how her male friends only get sex once a month. She repeats this often. She knows i am an excellent reader of people and the more i’ve started to catch her and be on to her the more aggressive and crazy she’s getting. Pushing me away and then claiming i’m not coming around because i’m selfish. She matches the exact male description you posted. She takes zero ownership and accountability even over inconsequential stuff. The best part is when they wrong or hurt you, a normal person just apologizes, but a sociopath gets mad and attacks. The empathy and guilt just aren’t wired. She is a product of a sordid childhood in which both parents were into some very bad stuff. I have zero doubt she was abused but how or to what level i don’t know. For any other dudes dating a sociopath, it’s okay to walk away. It’s not easy because you want to protect someone who’s been damaged, but you deserve to be happy to. And there’s zero happiness in dating a sociopath.
Let me first start off saying that I am a college-educated, smart, independent woman. The reason I feel the need to start off by saying that is because after reading this, you may think otherwise. 2012 was a very bad year for me to say the least. I split from my ex in 2011 (my decision) and in the beginning of 2012, entered the world of on-line dating. I went in with 0 intention of falling in love, I just wanted to date since I spent the last 12 years with my ex.
I went on dates, most of them I knew would not last. I started chatting with this one guy whose work schedule was crazy, but we finally got a chance to meet up. Bad date, lots of alcohol, birth control failed and 5 weeks later I got a positive pregnancy test. I had ended it with him the very next day after our date as I knew it wouldn’t last and was super embarrassed for sleeping with him on our first date. Then I started talking to “R”. “R” was very attractive and respectful. He was kind, handsome, and tattooed. I loved his image but wasn’t immediately attracted to him. We chatted for about 3 weeks before we met up.
When we met, he was very honest and put all his cards on the table for me. Told me he had been to prison, was in a gang but had changed his lifestyle and now was on the right path. I actually respected him for being so upfront and honest with me. I thought since he was so honest about his past, he would be honest about everything else. From that moment on, I, for whatever reason, ignored all the red flags. He was pouring it on thick for me and even told me he would be deleting his profile. When I asked why (I wasn’t there yet), he said because he found me. I was flattered but didn’t think much of it since I wasn’t really taking him seriously.
Then I find out I’m pregnant by the other guy (me and R hadn’t had sex yet). Since I thought he was falling for me, he was one of the first people I told. I told him if he didn’t want to see me again, that was okay, no hard feelings. To my surprise, he told me he didn’t mind and he had been in my position many times (he had 5 kids, yes 5). I was taken aback by his response. So we continued to see each other. Then finally the day comes when we have sex. The sex as AMAZING and I think that is when I fell in love with him. Not just the sex, but he was so affectionate, attentive and helpful (something my ex wasn’t). It felt so good to feel so loved.
But something started to change….he had disappeared on me in the beginning, came back and apologized and said he was “scared”. Like an idiot, I bought it (because at this point I was hooked). So when we started back, we were going strong, then he started slipping away again. He blamed his long work hours, his kids, etc. My gut knew something was up, but my heart wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I asked him numerous times if he was seeing anyone else. He always answered with a no.
Although I felt his “love” he never told me he loved me. But he did tell me all the things I wanted to hear (ie. he would be there for my baby and me, would be my baby’s father, pass him off as his, wanted to help pick out a name, etc). I don’t care what anybody says, a pregnant woman does not want to be alone. He would text me first thing in the morning and all day with a bunch of “I miss you”, “Thinking of you”, and “Can’t wait to see you, to hold you” “I need to see you, to hold you” etc. Exactly what I wanted/needed to hear.
One weird thing he didn’t do is add me to Facebook. Told me we would talk about it first, then he would add me?? I thought wtf? Who does that? I started to feel like I was no longer a priority for him, but an option and it was not sitting so well with me. So, I started to play detective. Fishing what I could through the internet, monitoring the dating website we met and his FB. On his FB I noticed two girls that “liked” some of his photos and comments he made public (I was still not his FB friend). So I kept tabs on them all.
One day he came over and told me he would stay if he could (he used to spend the night with me at least 2-3 times a week, then it started to dwindle to maybe one time). But I could tell he wasn’t. His phone was going off and the more it starting to go off, the more upset I was becoming. Then he told me this BS that he had yet another “family function”. I asked him if he was going to continue to use his family as an excuse. He got mad and left. Later texted saying he was tired of my insecurity and if he said he was spending time with his family, that’s what it was….I continue to text him, just to have him ignore me barely responding for 3 weeks. I was at a loss. I missed him and was confused. How could someone who professed to care about me treat me this way?
Like an idiot, I pursued him one last time. I told myself if he didn’t respond, I would delete his number and be done with him. But he did. Told me he missed me and said that being an asshole was his defense mechanism because again, he was “scared”. In hindsight, I should have known that if he missed me so much, why didn’t he ever reach out to me? A week passes with the same amount of texting through out the day but still did not go and see me.
Here’s where it gets sketchy:
We had planned to see each other on Saturday. Friday night I barely get a text from him. Then at 2:30 a.m. he calls telling me he got shot in the leg! One of the girls I had been monitoring on FB was an old “friend” who had beef with an ex boyfriend. That ex boyfriend’s friends lived up the street from her. He was hanging out with her and her so-called boyfriend when it hit the fan and everyone started shooting. There goes the notion that his gang life was behind him.
I talked him into going to the hospital, his phone died and at 9:00 the next morning his sister had dropped him off at my house. What did this 7 month pregnant woman do? I waited on him hand and foot, treated his gun shot wound and paid for his meds!!! I went into nurse mode. I cared and loved him and wanted to do it. Like a fool!!!! Again, my gut was telling me something wasn’t right. I asked him, yet again, if he was seeing someone else. He had me look at him straight in the eyes and he said, “I am not seeing anyone else”. By that time he finally was telling me he loved me. I couldn’t shake the fact that something just didn’t feel right.
Fast forward a week. One of the other girls had posted a new pic on FB and he made the comment, “mmmmmmmm”. That was it for me!!! I finally saw what I needed to see. He was cheating on me!!! I confronted him and at first, he tried to dismiss me and told me not to worry about it. Yeah right. Finally he came clean and admitted that he was talking to her too. When I asked him how and why he did this to me! He then stated that I was the one pregnant by someone else and I didn’t have room to be upset!!! And that’s why he never added me to FB, because they were friends and would tag each other when they went out.
So I messaged the other woman, because I had a strong feeling he was playing her as well. Sure enough, he had been in a full fledge relationship with her, and started talking to her (through the same dating website we met) the day he and I supposedly became exclusive. One thing I asked him when we became “exclusive” was if his feelings ever changed to please be honest with me. I told him the truth may hurt, but a lie will hurt me worse. He said, “You got it baby”.
So, I had to send the other woman pics of our text conversations as proof because he was telling her I was just a jealous, psycho ex who could not get the picture that he no longer wanted me. Once he was shown the text that I was giving her, he then changed his story and said that he was just using me, not for sex but for money and drugs. I NEVER gave him money or drugs!!! I woulda believed it if he had been honest and said he was just using me for sex. BUT what type of person admits to one single mom that he is using another pregnant, single mom??? Although he never asked me for money, I have a feeling that was his agenda the whole time. Eventually he would have.
I immediately quit talking to him. But, I continued talking to the other woman, answering her questions as well as asking her my own. Not even a week after this, he ends up with the girl who supposedly had a boyfriend and whose house he got shot at. Ended up with her and two weeks later THEY GOT MARRIED!!!! Me and the other woman were in disbelief. He had bent over backwards telling me that she was just a friend from back in the day and she had a boyfriend. She had no boyfriend but she knew about the other woman but we came to the conclusion that he had told her she was psycho like he had told her about me.
So he showed a lot of the signs:
-Moved fast
-Lied through his teeth while maintaining eye contact
-Impulsive
-No regard for the law
-Manipulated me
-Used me
-No remorse for his actions
-No emotional attachment even to his own kids
I have to admit that it’s been 8 months and I’m still in the anger stage. The thing that upsets me the most is as much as he hurt me (I still cry to this day), he will NEVER feel remorse nor will he ever feel the pain that I am in because he is incapable of feeling any type of feelings. And he gets to live his life with someone who loves him. Eventually it will all hit the fan, but he will just be onto his next conquest. Never learning or growing. Karma will never truly catch up to him since he has no compassionate, caring feelings for anything or anyone.
Oh gosh….. wow…. again they are just so stunning. So selfish, self centred and only thinking about themselves. I am so sorry for what you have been through. How are things with you and your baby today? Honestly, why? And to a pregnant woman as well…. but there is no why is there? And he would turn it around and blame it on you. I am so sorry that you have been through this, and can only hope that your baby brings you a lot of joy. There will be support forums here, depending on what time they change the site over….. so other people to talk to. Thank you for your story!!
Thank you for taking time to read my story. Reading about sociopaths is slowly helping me realize what I was dealing with and coming to terms that I will never have the answer to all the “whys”. It’s hard though. It hurt my ego to know that someone like me could fall for a person like him. Not trying to sound full of myself but I’m smarter than that.
It just hurts me that I was in a position in life that I ignored all the red flags and desperately wanted to be loved and to love someone else. I know this was a lesson I needed to learn, I just wish it didn’t happen. It still stings to this day and I hope it goes away. My last paragraph in my post is what ticks me off.
But, me and my kids are doing fine! I am so blessed to have them in my life! I haven’t dated nor am I ready to date. That is something I am taking time to heal and to find happiness in myself before I start dating someone else. I applaud you for creating this site and telling your story. I don’t know how you did it three times, one time is enough for me. I think I would write men off for good if I went through something like this more than once. I just don’t think I have it in me to go through it again. Which is why I’m in no rush to date. I just got through reading a sociopath book and the author stated that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths. My hope for the future that the next relationship I’m in, he is the other 24!!!
Hey its not you. I have a BA Hons Degree too!! So it isn’t you!!
How can you detect lies and deceit to that level. A sociopath wrote to me recently and said
‘It isn’t that we are that great at hiding, its more that you are not as good at looking for it, as we are at hiding’ that is very true.
As for me, writing off men for good…. well I might have come to that it would take someone very very special to capture my heart.
Yes, I think that too. There are a lot of good men out there, you just need to focus on healing and recovery for you!! What did you have anyway? A boy or a girl?
I had another little boy. Want to hear something sickening? He actually suggested I give the baby HIS name….ugh….narcassistic much?? Oh and I forgot to add, just las week he e-mailed the other woman a wink 😉 she was like, Oh hell no….and didn’t reply. Am I totally crazy for wondering why he sent one to her and not me? All I wanted was an apology but I now know I will NEVER get one. He is incapable of feeling sorry.
OMG!!!! Great that you didn’t!!! Ew imagine if you had.
No they think only of themselves. Are selfish and self motivated. All they see is that their own needs get met.
I have been involved with a Sociopath for 10 long years!
He is very charming & I was flattered by his attention.
I was very vulnerable when he entered my life & came to trust him & thought he was a man of great integrity.
It was easy for him to cheat once he had my trust etc…this is what he relied upon!
I now know I have been under the spell of a Sociopath.
The lies & manipulation have been unbelievable but, I still did not see his true colours until I was confronted by the other woman.
This lady is a Dr of Sociology & contacted me whilst holidaying recently with my Sociopath.
I was told that and I quote,’she was his relationship partner for 3 1/2 years & that they had been living together for 12 months!
Oh & he had just proposed to her’!!!
I thought he was living at his recently deceased mothers home with his sister!!
He had recently sold his own home & a beach side property to reduce his debt level or so he said.
(I now know he had moved in with the other woman & they have purchased a property in the millions together?)
Wow, here it was right in front of my eyes….
I had been in an intimate relationship with this guy for 10 years no less, & suddenly I am eradicated by him without any explanation at all!
(We did not live together as I had always wanted to keep my private life separate as my children had been very traumatised by my marriage break down so,to spare them if things didn’t work out we lived separately,in fact he never stayed over if they were home.)
He broke all contact with me once he knew he had been discovered.
Usually he called me several times a day & we had lunch frequently.
I realise that all the phone calls were for keeping track of me & controlling the situation in case I was headed in his direction.
Now I was out in the cold,no goodbye except for a text saying I could & should move on!!!!
Gee wish I’d moved on a long long time ago.
In fact I was warned by his ex mistress (yep that’s right) one of his mistresses.
I met him via her as he is a car dealer as he has two jobs.
I had to sell my car after my marriage breakup as I could not afford the repayments so,Enter Stage Right My Sociopath!
He would not respond to my repeated requests for an explanation.
I have since learned that once a Sociopath is discovered they soon turn tail & cannot & will not face their victim.
In fact they then justify to others that they are the hero not the villain.
Apparently he told the other woman he was helping me & hadn’t been able to end it with me….blah,blah!
He failed to mention to her that we were intimate regularly, even the night before he left on his so called business trip.
(The other woman intercepted an email from me to him and it proved he was planning to come for dinner upon his return & had confirmed how much he was looking forward to it Kiss,Kiss)!
The night I got the email I was happily sitting & watching the last episode of Downton Abbey (still don’t know how it ended!)
I received a text message from my Sociopath that his email account had been hacked & that I should only contact him on this number (not the usual one) etc…
I then opened my email & there it is, the email from the other woman!
She had created another email account for herself & made contact with me in the hope of finding out whether her suspicions of him were correct.
I was told not to be concerned for his health (as I had been inquiring after his sore Achilles tendon)
That he was having a wonderful holiday with her,his son & his sister. ( His son is fully aware of my relationship with him & I know his sister also!)
He had led me to believe he was on yet another (yes he’s had a few) work related trips.
I had been told (once again) that he was on a terrorist training course.
He is a Commander in the Fire Brigade so,I assumed this was true.
He had previously shown me documentation from ASIO regarding Essential Service Personnel & the need for specialist training to be undertaken in case of terror acts & threats etc….
This all went to aid his elaborate plan to convince me that he was doing his bit for our protection,Wow what a hero!
He also told me once he was sent on a special training camp somewhere that could not be disclosed.
Where he was put through extreme training conditions like extreme temperatures,lack of sleep etc…to test his reactions to stressful conditions & that he was one of a very small group to actually get through the course?
I have no idea whether this was true or not but,it did sound unbelievably believable!
He would go into great detail without actually showing any proof & I swallowed it all!
I thought he was in the UK but,according to the email he was in Hong Kong, Beverley Hills,New York & now in London & all for pleasure. My son was able to search the IP address for the emails & where they originated from & Bingo he was in the USA!!!
My Sociopath had been leading a very duplicitous life indeed….he even involved his family members.
I was told by a friend when he was away previously that he was away with another woman & when I texted him to clarify this information he had his daughter call me to reinforce that he was on business alone!
His daughter is married to a friend of a friends son so,I believed her.
He also invited me to dinner with his family after he had mislead me about his Mothers Funeral!
He lied to me about the date so,that I would not be able to come!
When I found out I was very hurt but, then he made up such an elaborate lie and I ended up feeling sorry for him!
Apparently he was under so much stress organising the funeral & his ex wife was creating trouble that he did not want to tell me so,lied about the date?
I realise now that this was all part of him making sure his worlds didn’t collide.
He couldn’t have me show up when there was someone else on the scene etc….(although the other woman was unable to attend she had been introduced to the family by this stage.) Still I don’t know how his family could entertain me at dinner & not say anything??
Anyway once I realised what My Sociopath had been playing at I set out to expose him so,as I had retained a lot of emails etc…I arranged to meet the other woman at her request.
We met at a local hotel & I was shocked to say the least.
I was expecting a strong professional woman but instead, I was met with an emotionally devastated but,very nice lady.
We hugged & I was very saddened to see what he had done to us both.
We ordered coffee & she had bought me a lovely gift & I had a little something for her also.
We sat & it was awkward at first but,soon we were sharing our story.
My Sociopath was now Our Sociopath. The other woman had been suspicious for a while & had even hired a cab one night & followed him but,he was not where he said he would be & I confirmed to her that he was not with me either?
He even said exactly the same lines to us both in intimate moments,called us both Darling & gave us similar gifts…funnily enough he said & gave his mistress the same as well!
His well practiced lines were nearly verbatim! Obviously he sticks to a routine to avoid slip ups.
We even had a chuckle as one of his favorites was ‘You are my wife,my possession,no divorce ever!’ blah blah!
He liked it if we called him ‘Husband’,in intimate moments.
I found myself in the odd position of having to prove my relationship with him which, by the end of our meeting she was in no doubt of!
I knew far too much to be just a platonic friend as he was now stating I was!
The other woman & I stayed in touch & I thought she was going to rid him from her life but,in one of her emails she revealed that she was staying with him for now although would remain in the ‘control seat of her life’!
I was bitterly disappointed & felt doubly betrayed.
I then set about trying to take back some of my power so,I contacted his work colleague & friend,his family & anyone else that I had on my email etc…I was not going to let him continue his antics undetected.
It obviously worked as he reported me to the police for harassment!!! What a great guy!
Fortunately I realised that the friend he had call me after he was discovered, is a Detective from the same Police Station where the other officer contacted me from.
I explained the situation & whilst she understood fully she still had to do her job & gave me the warning.
I took the warning seriously & as I had already mailed a letter to his ex-wife (that he hasn’t divorced)
I stopped trying to expose him for the reprehensible person that he is.
I did some research into Sociopath type personalities and he ticks all the boxes, right down to staring deep into your eyes to almost seeing right through you…creepy because he always did this.
He also does not show any remorse for his actions rather he has become annoyed that he has been discovered etc…
Another trait & he has quickly turned on me & dismissed me.
The Sociopath has a very high sex drive due to the overload of Testosterone they are usually found to possess!
This is so true of him & he loves to talk about his sex drive & conquests.
His ego is huge! He was always asking if he was the best lover I’d ever had???
I am glad I have stood up to him the only way I could.
My efforts to expose him have been somewhat successful?
Maybe he will think twice next time….but,I doubt it!
Sociopaths often appear normal & their victim looks like the crazy one but,unfortunately that is how they get away with so much.
I am a survivor not a victim.
He has a new victim to weave his web of lies to now!
Pheonix, thank you so much for taking the time to write your story wow wow wow wow!!!! I guess 10 years of it would create that. How long ago did this end? Your head must be absolutely spinning. I am in the UK too 🙂
Hi ;0)
Sorry I missed your reply as I was reading all your other helpful posts ;0)
I only received the email from the other women on 21st April 2013 so,very recent. I have come a long way since & am healing myself…I am very resilient thank god! I have come to realise that my own lack of self worth goes back as a very young child. I am working hard to appreciate myself & my worth so,that I can lead a more authentic life with myself ;0)
I live in Melbourne Australia & have a lot to be grateful for, especially as I am still financially independent & have terrific support.
I contacted his daughter to try & understand her part in has game but,the fruit hasn’t fallen far from the tree & he has manipulated her as well ;0(
I was dismissed & as I suspected his lies just repeated via her???
I was always very nice to his family but,I understand their allegiance with their father. I however would be ashamed to have a father like him & he’s a grandfather also….what a legacy he leaves :0(
He has never divorced his wife & still controls her via his (wingman) which is his son who lives with his mother.He will not even let her go, as punishment for going after a huge settlement in the millions….her life is still controlled by his children as they destroy any relationship she has by not allowing other men in her life….they don’t accept outsiders,yet he parades his new lady in front of her to rub her nose in it…he really is a PIG!
I found it a little therapeautic talking to the other woman as well. And they do recycle their lies and excuses. I laughed when he was telling her something and even pulled up an old text where he told me the exact thing! At first, she continued to talk to him which I didn’t understand. She told me she had her own devious agenda, but I don’t think she was quite ready to let go. Not even a week after he was busted, he all-of-a-sudden (classic sociopath behavior) quit talking to her and is officially “In a Relationship” with someone else…SMH. But I can see where you would feel doubly betrayed. I would stay away from the both of them. Continue reading up on sociopaths. It is slowly helping me understand who he truly was and why he did the things he did.
This is our story, at least my version of it. We meet when I was 18 and he was 24. I was on my first year of college, he says he was on his second year of medical school. Everything was like I was on the middle of a hurricane with his name on it. He was my first, and his first words after we were intimate were “are you sure you are a virgin?” This was the beggining of Pinnochio, he was jealous, he always wanted to be with me, he didnt like my friends or my family, he wanted us to elope. He turned really violent without a reason when I didnt made what he wanted, yelling at me and calling me names, he beat me. Then he apologized, said he need my help, and that only I can help him. I was so scared that I hid on a friend’s house. I was nine weeks pregnant. Two days later I saw him kissing with another girl. I lose my pregnancy weeks later. He try to find me at my parents house and at the university, he found me and began with his excuses, saying that I’m the one to blame for his reactions..I remained silent. My best friend boyfriend intervene and thanksvto his help he left, not without saying to my friend that I have a relationship with her boyfriend. Twenty three years later I received a friend request on facebook…it was him. I was curious and I want to give a better end to what happened then (to this day I grieve my loss pregnancy) and always asked myself “what will happened if…?. I accepted his friend request. On one day we write each other more than 20 ti es, at the other day we were emailing, at the other talking on the phone, and four weeks later we met at an airport as if only a day have passed since we saw each other. A new hurricane arrived and this time I made everything that I can possibly do to make things better this time. I was so blinded that I wasn’t able to saw the evidence in front of me (when we first met he says that his last name was one that wasn’t real he explained to me 23 years later that he did it as an strategy in case any girl tried to searh him saying they were pregnant with his child, he wasn’t attending any university at the time, he used the books of his big sister, he says I love youthree days after he contacted me) Three years after the hurricane Pinnochio strucks me Im still spinning, trying to make sense of all of this. Trying to understand what’s real and trying torepair the broken pieces.
wait…3 years later?? or 23 years later???
Our story have two chapters and a lot of subchapters. First one, when I was 18, second chapter 23 years after, we were “together’ for the last 3 years.
So I know this topic would be more appropriate for a forum, but I am not sure where it went? I am sure there is a lot of kinks that are being worked out.
So it has been a few weeks now. I havent seen him in nearly a month. And now the anger has faded. In fact, I actually dont want to be bitter at all.
He has reached out to me to tell me how he drives by my place and wishes to see me, talk to me every day. He has even been to the places around my work that I frequent.
I am in a weird spot, because I am not mad enough to really care that much about being rude and shutting him down and out. I know he is persistant and can sense that my anger and bitterness is fading, which is a good way to get his foot back in the door. Yesterday he contacted me, via phone, unexpectedly, told me he was in the are (of course) and that he wanted to see me. I had other things to occupy my time, so obviously we didnt, but now I am concerned that I am giving him the impression that “its okay” and that “were fine”…when really, we arent.
But at the same time, I dont want to be bitter, I dont want to be angry. I dont want to hold much more energy towards the situation. But I am afraid that when I am my usual, friendly, loving, accepting self that I will be vulnerable and leave the door open.
I still have yet to get an apology, and he still doesnt understand my stance on anything. He literally is just hoping all this will blow over, and is consistent in the mean time. Calling me cold, hurtful and playing the usual victim card.
I am not sure how to really handle this. I get it, “no contact”…but how do I bring my mind back to that place it has been for the last 3 weeks when I wanted nothing to do with him and couldnt stand the thought of him?
Now I am smiling and laughing, remembering the memories….
Hi, GL!
I think that if you’ve been processing your anger and it has lessened, that’s wonderful news! Personally, you can still retain No Contact without anger. This isn’t just about protecting yourself from him, it’s about establishing your boundaries and defending them. Obviously the No Contact has been helpful…why reinvite his energy into your life?
We all know that the one thing we’ll never get from them is a SINCERE apology…which means an apology BACKED UP BY ACTION! From what you’ve said, he obviously hasn’t changed.
You can still be polite about it…you can tell him that he just doesn’t fit into your life. If he wants to interpret that as you being less than a good person, let him. You can’t control what he thinks, nor should you. NOR SHOULD YOU ALLOW IT TO EFFECT WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE.
But you aren’t doing NC right now. Follow up what you have to say with action and be consistent with YOURSELF. Block his calls, texts, emails, facebook, etc. You can tell him that you’re doing it for you. Sorry if that makes him feel bad, but you have to do what’s best for you and what you need right now. If he actually cared, he’d be understanding of it and respect your space. If he’s just looking for supply, then your best protection is to put the blocks in place so he can’t keep toying with you.
You don’t have to be angry to take care of you. No Contact is a way to show yourself respect and love.
That’s my unsolicited two cents.
Hugs to you!
Hello! I heard this conversation and wanted to share:
E: “I confess I do like him. I do not see how anyone could not like him. There is something very open and artless is his manner. He feels deeply I believe and yet has a natural merriment and energy despite all this. Yes, I confess I like him very much.”
J: “But after so short an acquaintance, do you think we should believe in him so implicitly?”
E: “How could he be doubted? He gave me all the circumstances, names, facts, everything without ceremony…Besides there was truth in all his looks.”
Sound a little familiar? The language may give it away, but this is from “Pride and Prejudice”. It is Elizabeth Bennet speaking to her sister Jane about her new acquaintance, Mr. Wickham.
These guys have been around a long time. And if Elizabeth Bennet can fall for it, what shame can there be when we have?
Just a thought. =)
Very clever Barbara, I wonder if he was caught as back in those days in Victorian England would have been locked up for moral insanity 😦 Eeek..!!
I have only read a few of the stories so far, and my mind is spinning. I obviously got to this site because I finally had real proof that my husband is in fact a sociopath. Unfortunately, I am finding out after a 17 year relationship and two precious children. So many truths have come out in the past 20 days that my head is spinning. I will work on telling my story as yours have helped me so much, and I hope to do the same for someone else, especially his current mistress. Thanks to all of you, I am feeling positive that I will sleep better tonight knowing there is a happy future ahead for me and my children. Thank you.
At this very moment I am still with my boyfriend who I am now beginning to think is truly a sociopath. But I am so confused with everything my judgement is shot. Is he or is it just a messed up relationship?
We met on an online dating site. He messaged me and we clicked instantly and had great chemistry. After talking online for two days he convinced me to call him and we had long, long, long talks on the phone. It was amazing and fun and he made me laugh and we had so much in common. We would talk every single day on the phone (and to this day we still do) and just talk for hours and it was like discovering your other half.
At this time I was still dating other guys and he knew this, but eventually we became intimate (I still dated but was not intimate with other guys at the same time) and the sex was amazing. Out of this world crazy good. After knowing each other about 6 weeks we agreed to be in a committed monogamous relationship (looking back maybe so that he would know he was the only man in my life, but I will never know if he was faithful to me). At the same time we became a couple he suggested that he move in. He lived in a different city and where I lived was more convenient for his work, but since we clicked so well and it felt like we were soul mates destined to be together forever (and yes these were things he said to me) I was thrilled at the idea of him moving in. But when the time came for him to move in he said that my moody behaviour, my pressuring him to move in, gave him pause and made him decide not to do it. A week later he would once again bring up moving back in. And each month when it came near the time when he said he would move in and there was no sign of him actually doing it, he would blame me for why he didn’t. He would tell me I was being selfish and that I didn’t understand how much he worked and how he didn’t have time to move in just because I wanted him to. He said that the more I pushed him the more he would back away and as I didn’t want to lose him I would try to be exactly as he wanted. It has been a constant cycle of him promising me he is going to move in (which to me is a sign of commitment on his part, of saying to the world that he is my boyfriend) and then as the time came nearer for him to do it, things would change and it wouldn’t happen. One day he even pulled his loaded trailer into my driveway ready to move in, but couldn’t do it. We broke up for several hours before he called back saying we had to work something out.
Sometimes we would have a fight and he would say it was over and I was never to contact him again and he was cutting me out of his life and then hours later he would call and say “what are we doing? Let’s stay together.” And just as if he had never said cruel things to me we were still a couple. He is like an addiction to me though. No matter what he says or does or acts I want to be with him. And when he comes back to me every time I feel a sense of worth. “He must truly want me if he doesn’t actually leave. He could move on any time, but he keeps coming back to me to keep the relationship going.” He always initiates, after a fight, us being together and not breaking up.
But despite me craving him like no man before, he is not all kindness and light. He plays mind games and can be sarcastic and cruel. He will tell me that we will be a family (I have kids) and that we will live together forever. And then the next week say that I am putting pressure on him and that I want us to be a family and be married and he isn’t ready for that. One moment he will say how intelligent I am and the next he will say how I really don’t know anything. He will say that he is going to come down and visit me and then at the last minute call and say he cant because of work and I just have to accept it and we may have not seen each other in person for weeks. I have never met any of his friends although he did have me meet his parents within 6 weeks of knowing each other. He has not met my family and is not “ready” to meet them. Even though we have been together for 8 months, due to work and not living close we only see each other maybe every 2-3 or even up to 4 weeks. And if I want to see him more I am being “demanding”. And yet he calls, texts and skypes me every day. So he wants to be in a relationship and says all the time that we are a couple. Although one time he referred to me not as his girlfriend but the woman he fkd. I assumed it was because of his need for privacy and not being open to the world about his private life that he didn’t announce on facebook that he was in a relationship.
We met on a dating site and after initially deleting his original profile under which we met, in the 8 months we have known each other he has created 3 more profiles. Each time I confront him about them he lies about how he must have been hacked or they were from a long time ago etc etc. He would delete them, but then lo and behold a few weeks later he would have another profile. And each one stating that he is single. The latest one I discovered this past weekend (I am not on the dating site but can discover if he has a profile without having one of my own. I no longer trust him regarding the dating sites so sadly do detective work to see if he is being faithful or not). He said he was not interested in anyone on them and I was the only one for him and he didn’t know why he went on them. I think he may be addicted to them. And even if he isn’t meeting up with these woman (or maybe he is), he enjoys having his ego massaged. He enjoys the attention. And yes, he does think he is god’s gift to women, but because of his personality, charm and looks, he does get female attention.
He tells me all the time he is not a cheater, will not cheat on me and I don’t have to worry about that (my ex husband cheated on me). And yet this past week I found some circumstantial evidence, the coincidences too strong not to be believed that he took another woman away for a business trip. I confronted him and he denied it. Said I was crazy. That the other woman was lying because she is also crazy. He repeated that he was not a cheater. And I got sucked back in. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions? He then got angry at me for saying he was cheating on me and told me it was over. Two hours later he called and said he was moving in! And that he would forget about my accusations and that we were really going to be living together. This time it was going to happen (not like the 6 times before!!).
I am at such a state of needing him (emotionally and physically) that I almost think I could live with him even if he had cheated on me. So I told him a condition of him moving in is being faithful. No dating profiles or other women. He agreed. He never confessed to anything but said of course he would be faithful. I told him if he wasn’t I would kick him out. But yet it still seems he is with this other woman and I am beginning to wonder if it isn’t me but my house that he wants so badly. It’s the one thing that he keeps mentioning. Living in my city would be so much better. And we agreed to a really low amount he would pay me to live with me. He could do no better. He could quit the job he hates and live with me cheaply. Tonight I sent an email to the other woman and asked her point blank if they are together. I will see what the answer is. He has already said that she is crazy and lies and says things for reactions so that if she says they are a couple I will doubt her story.
I am sorry this is so long. I didn’t mean it to be. And hope it isn’t just a rambling mess. There has been more, so much more I haven’t added. I am a head case when it comes to him and where I am normally intelligent, my heart just rules. I take whatever crumbs he gives that are good and also take all the bad. And I would never have taken that from any other man. And every time he calls I answer the phone. And I think that if he just moves in then we will be a couple as we should be.
I know you feel you love him, but PLEASE PLEASE cut this loser out of your life. He is totally using you and using the whole, “Let’s move in together” to string you along. And I hate to say this, but he is cheating on you. It may/may not have got physical (he lives in another city and you haven’t seen him weeks at a time so I bet it has) but still the fact that he is putting himself out there (no one hacks another person’s info to create a dating profile). He is not addicted to dating sites, he is just a cheater, plain and simple.
To me, cheating is a dealbreaker. Even if I love the guy (I loved my sociopath but once I had solid evidence I broke it off for good). It hurts like hell I know but you gotta have some self-respect and leave this relationship. Please tell me your kids don’t know about him….think of it this way, if your daughter was going through a similar situation: would you want her to? why/why not? What advice would you give her?
I know it’s not easy to walk away especially when their spell is on you, but you have to!!! If I knew then what I know now, I would have just removed that cancer from my life. I sat there and tried to analyze his behavior and came up with all these excuses for him BUT if I had realized what I was dealing with, I may have left sooner. I dawned on me he was a sociopath when he had no remorse when I found out he was cheating on me. He even blamed me for it. Then I started reading up on antisocial personality disorders and he fit a lot of the criteria for sociopaths and that’s when I knew what I was dealing with. But you, it sounds like you know what you’re dealing with. Please don’t waste anymore of your precious time on him. Delete his number, e-mail, FB, etc and get rid of him!!! You deserve better!!!
Just an update…
I heard from the other woman and yes, she thought she too was in a committed monogamous relationship with him. For about a week I was still messed in the head when it came to him and we had this weird love triangle going. Neither woman could end it with him even knowing what he had done and continued to do and he of course was not going to lose either of his fixes.
But in the end I saw the light. It was a painful experience, but it made me open my eyes to the emotional abuse I had suffered at his hands for months. Like an addiction it is taking me one day at a time to deal with removing him from my life but I am doing it and feel better for it. I see him for what he is and what he will always be.
Sadly, the other woman is still with him and refuses to see him for what he is. But one day it will be her messaging another woman asking her what her relationship is with her boyfriend!
Thank you for responding. Reading the other stories really made me see that I wasn’t alone.
No you are not alone Pickles. You will see stories and comments throughout this website on various posts down the right hand side. Some have a lot of comments and stories on. You are also right, one day in the future it will be her contacting the next woman…. as of course he has told her a lot of lies (almost certain)…. you can do so much better.
Stay strong & consistent!!! If she wants to deal with that BS in her life and be his idiot, good for her. You have more important things to do. Funny because once I found out, I cut all contact (he didn’t have the balls to contact me anyway) but the other woman in my situation didn’t and I wondered why? She told me because she had an alterior motive but I really think he had a hold on her too. It’s amazing how manipulative they are! But, please know you did the right thing!!!! Walk away, better yet….run! Good luck 🙂
I’ve talked to the other woman numerous times now and I actually like her as a person, but she is still in his thrall. I have tried to get her to see the light, but she is not ready to be free of him. I don’t know what it will take with her. But I have warned her over and over about what he is so I have done all I can to help another victim.
I just told her I would be there for her when she needed me.
I am free and happy and that is all that matters. It’s weird that when I was with him and even at the end when I knew how badly he had lied and cheated on me I was still so sure that I needed to be with him. But now, everything is so clear and I can’t imagine how I stayed with him as long as I did with how he treated me.
But hey, he always made sure to tell me that no other man would want me and since being back in the dating scene I can happily conclude that was just another one of his lies. 🙂
Unfortunately, you cannot change anyone else’s thoughts. She will leave when she has had enough.
Ugh. Struggling today and I am angry at myself for feeling that way. Like a car crash I cannot stop looking at the OW’s social media and I see that they are acting all lovey dovey. She’s posting about what an amazing boyfriend he is and he is posting all sorts of sappy things. Things he never would have said to me in public where others could see. He never acknowledged our relationship like that. And while I know he is a sociopath and I know it has to be an act from him I will admit that it still hurts like hell. They got to go on to la la land where everything is happy and rosy and I am left an emotional mess.
I know I dont want him back and I know that their relationship isn’t going to be the one that “cures” him of being a sociopath (I think the OW thinks that he loves her and now that he loves her he has had found the “one” and they will be happily ever after), but I want to see him miserable and suffering like he did to me and he will never get that.
How do I stop myself looking at her social media? It’s almost like I hope to check and see her moaning about what a jerk her boyfriend is, but sadly it’s all been hearts and roses. I know the truth but it doesn’t make me feel any better.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. It sux, I know!!! All you can do is know that it won’t last forever but you need to understand that their relationship is just a façade for him. When she’s gone, there will be somebody else in her shoes and he will be recycling his lies, techniques, and ways. He will always be like this. No one will ever cure him….ever! And unfortunately, there is an abundance of women out there who will fall victim to him because he, like the rest of the sociopaths, know how to pick them and know exactly what to say and do.
The only solid advice I have in terms of looking at their statuses is to block them. If you block them, they can’t look at yours and you can’t look at theirs You will make yourself sick doing so.
Hang in there….one day at a time….you WILL get through it!!!
Seriously!! Dont put yourself through the misery! I have no social media accounts, especially since all of this transpired. Mostly because I dont want him to have ANYTHING on me (pictures, friends, knowing where i am, etc) and i certainly dont want to stumble upon any of his or hers. But yeah, you have to stop putting yourself through that.
I recently had a few conversations with the OW too, and we both found very concrete evidence that he is a complete sex addict and has been cheating and lying with multiple women for years. It was therapeutic to talk to her, but lets not kid ourselves…talking to her is the same as connecting with him. Even though its not him, its still a pretty close link. And the drama continues.
I know I told her multiple times I finally had enough information from her and the scenario to grasp closure and be done forever. She has said the same thing, although they have a mutual child together, so he will have a hold on her in some way, shape or form forever. I find a sick part of me envious of this in some days? And in other moments, incredibly grateful that I get to wash my hands of this and just be done forever. It is a strange feeling though…because we are left wondering, wait, why isnt he fighting for me? Because I know that when I dont hear from him, even though I am doing no contact, it most certainly means he has latched on to someone else, maybe her. The thought that he will never really miss me is a little disheartening…but we have to remember that we made the choices to not have this in our lives anymore. Because all of us have the option and potential to get roped back in. We are just making a conscious effort not to.
I totally get where you guys are coming from. Even though I made the choice to end it with him, it is still like deciding to end an addiction. You know your life is better without it and you know it is just a destructive force, but you still want it all the same. Only time will make a difference.
And yes, I know that his “I’m the best boyfriend in the world” act is just that. The same day he posted on his profile about being in a relationship with her and being all sweet and loving with her, he called me (yes, I know, I am still a work in progress regarding no contact) and asked if we could work things out. If we could have a relationship. If I wanted a future with him. I was so good and strong and said No. He called the next morning but I didn’t answer the phone. For the OW, ignorance is bliss. For me, knowledge is power. The more I know, the easier it is to heal and see the lies for what they are. 🙂
Just wanted to say that today I made the decision to block the OW, or should I say the new victim’s, profile page. I kept looking to see how their lives were and it was just making me doubt myself and my decisions. She is so completely sucked into his act that nothing will help her now. She even wrote,”your sociopath is my forever” which I think is actually kind of scary. So why should I bother. What will be will be but it will not include me in it. And I don’t want him in my life so what does it matter. I know the truth of what he is!
Good for you Pickles!!!! I’m proud of you and please don’t second guess your decision to end things with him, you are saving a lot of valuable time for yourself!!! Did you tell the OW that he’s a sociopath? It’s almost as if she is deliberately putting that up for you, antagonizing you….which I am sure he is just eating that up!!! But now you have the power back, so they can go stick it!!!
And it is totally like an addiction! I can be fine for a few days, then yesterday came and BAM! I’m sitting here reminiscing everything, which makes me depressed. I miss what I thought we had. I miss feeling wanted and loved. It’s hard for me because I really don’t have anything or anyone else to help take my mind off him. I sometimes think I should go back into the dating world as that would give me something else to occupy my mind but I’m still not ready and don’t know when I will be in the foreseeable future. I’m scared shitless of getting into a relationship and getting burned again. I just don’t have it in me to endure yet another disappointment.
Yep Lenore. When I was still talking to the OW I tried to get her to see he was a Sociopath but she just didn’t want to hear it. I posted something on my facebook page the other day, a sarcastic joke about sociopaths, and I know she must have stalked my facebook, because that is when she posted that comment on her page. I have come to the conclusion that nothing I say or do will help so I am moving on and letting her deal with him on her own. He is laying it on thick with her as he doesn’t want to lose his only “fix” now.
But you are right. I still think about our relationship and remember the highs. And just as we are addicted to the sociopath, during the relationship, I think the sociopath is just as addicted to us. We are their obsession. And in a way, it feels good to have someone obsessed with you, to feel you are the most desirable person in the whole wide world.
It is the feeling of being wanted and desired that I miss, but the key is to eventually find it with someone in a HEALTHY relationship. 🙂
Stay strong! We are survivors and deserve better than lies, because I know that even the highs were lies.
Please, open your eyes! It doesnt matter the label, what is truth is that this men is no making you happy and he is abusing your trust
OMG….crazy, yet believe it. And what he was writing….creepy!!!! Like I was reading my own emails from that nut. smh….sad & terrible.
I’ve been on and off with the same guy (sociopath) for going on 6 years now. He broke it off the first time, but one of us always reconnects every few months or so. The times together get shorter and shorter, and worse and worse. I just ended it again yesterday and started the No Contact today. Sometimes I worry that I live in fear of when he’ll manage to contact me next because I always fall for it. I completely agree that it is like a drug and I need my high. I’m trying to be strong this time. Your blogs have brought a lot of clarity on the situation and his disorder. It makes me WANT to stay away and not talk with him. This may have been the final push I needed to get away. 6 years is a long time of abuse and it’s going to take me a while to heal… I feel like I won’t find an amazing love, or that I’m pretty or deserving. But as of today, I’ll be working on changing that viewpoint.
Aw Bluebird – WELL DONE YOU!!! For starting No Contact. Take it ONE DAY at a time. Read as much as you can. Knowledge is power and the truth will set you free. Don’t try to think to far ahead, and keep yourself busy. See this like an addiction have you ever quit smoking? it is exactly the same as that. It might be difficult at first, but it gets better as time goes on.
I’m freaking out a bit today. Everything I read yesterday is really sinking in and I feel like I’m just in shock about everything. It’s all so clear now, there’s a spotlight shined on him and I can see everything he was doing. I’m also mourning the fact that everything was probably all a facade or illusion. It wasn’t love. He didn’t care for me. It wasn’t real.
I’m feeling pretty messed up about relationships today. I went from a controlling ex-husband, to this sociopath for 6 years. How will I ever have a good relationship with someone in the future now?
Hey Bluebird, the answer is to not think about the future. I think staying with the present is the best thing to do. You cannot change the past, and the future – well by making today the best that you can, you can change the future.
The most important thing, is to not rush into another relationship – well I doubt you are. You know, even though you have dated two in a row, this is NOT a reflection on you! How can you know that someone is a pathological liar? They are incredibly good actors.
Also, try not to be scared. I know that this is a normal feeling, I felt this way anyway. this is why I do not focus on sociopaths being ‘evil monsters’ what is the point of that? They just think in a different way, are selfish, opportunistic, and destructive.
The important thing is to focus on YOU. Although I do understand that it is important to read about what has happened to you, but this should help you to realise that it isn’t you…. there is nothing that you could do to change things, and neither could there be change in the future.
My ex-girlfriend was CRAZY. After a year and a half since our breakup I have finally come to the conclussion that she was a sociopath. In the beggining of our relationship it felt like we were living a fantasy. We always hung out and I couldn’t believe that such a charming girl would date me. In matter of fact I remember telling her, “I can’t believe you are dating me, this is a dream.” Little did I know, her tricks were starting! During holidays she would trick me into spending time with her family so I wouldn’t spend time with mine. And when I would ask her to spend time with my family, she would give me an excuse and would tell me, “I think we’re spending to much time together.” or “Our families shouldn’t spend time together because we arn’t married.” She used to yell at me when I would tell her not to speak on the phone while she was driving. She constantly made the decisions on when we would see each other and I felt like I was just following her along. When we broke up it was all of a sudden. I had no feelings left for her and didn’t know what to tell her. I am still in the healing process but am getting there! God Bless this website.
Thank you for your story Derrick, keep going. A relationship like that can take it out of you, emotionally, and spiritually. As each day passes you will grow stronger. You can never change her, but you can change you 🙂
Thank You! God Bless
How do you start a ‘no contact’ when you have a child together? He’s always got a reason to have an ‘in’ on my life! Thank The Lord I found this site as it’s an absolute God send. I know I am not a fool and more importantly, I’m not alone.
History: I knew of him when i was in grade school. I found out years later that he was in prison and reached out to him to see how he was doing. We got involved and developed a relationship for the last 2 years of his 10 year sentence ( yes he did 10 years and was 16 when he went in and is now 27)
Anyway while in there i was his everything, he got my name tattooed on his ring finger and i was introduced as the wife to his family and friends. He was always telling me how no one was there for him and i did more than anyone did for him including his family who turned their back on him and friends did the same thing.
When he got home, things were okay for about a month. the reason i say ok is because i immediately noticed that his words from prison wasn’t matching up with his actions. I barely saw him when he came home and he lived right around the corner. Everyone else seemed to come before me. We finally scheduled a date to go see a movie. I was excited about this because I never really got any one on one time with him and was looking forward to this date sowe could really get to know each other. To my dismay, he brings his younger sister. The frustrtation came out at the movies and we got into another argument.
From there, his whole attitude towards me changed. He said that i embarrassed him. He ignored me for 3 days and talked to everyone else but me. Those 3 days were torture for me when we finally got to talk and i apologized, he admitted to knowing that i was hurting and told me that he said to himself “yesss, i am hurting her”
Anyway, it never got any better, he started emotionally abusing me and got very distant. It hurt so bad that i found myself scared of the relationship falling apart. He didnt want me to ask him any questions and got really nasty by telling me that talking to me irritates him and i would ask him if he missed me and he would blow up saying “why would you ask a stupid a** question like that” to him telling me that if i bought up anything about the relationship ending that i should just dead myself and move on with my life. He said that it would be easy for him to do that.
After that little argument, he ignored me for 5 days till i confronted him at his house. He completely disrespected me in front of his family who did nothing and threw the line of lets just be friends. He didnt want me to touch him like i was a disease and he was soo COLD and cruel and emotionless. After he threw that friend line, he turned his back, and walked away waiving never turning back around.
I went home in tears and explained to my mother what happened. She was so furious that she called him up and gave him a piece of her mind. After that he told his family to not talk to me and didnt want anything to do with me. His cousin told me that he told everyone to never say your name in his presence. This hurt me like hell because this was the same man that swore and promised that he would never hurt me or leave me. He made this promise not only to me but to my parents as well.
To add more pain to injury, a former inmate friend of his asked him why he didnt want to be with a woman who was beautiful, educated and loyal and his response was ” Man, I can do better than that.” He said that my ex thinks he is prettier than me. That hurt me to death and shattered my remaining self esteem.
I am still baffled and in shock from all the pain this situation has caused me. He wants nothing to do with me, turned his back on me so easily and is living his life without me. I was the only one there for him and i got treated the worst. How can someone be so vindictive and cold. I thought i was close to his family but they cut me off just as cold and wouldnt help me get any closure. its been over a year and the pain is still unbearable. Any advice or suggestions
I’m so sorry you are going through this Jane! It’s hard to understand. Like you, my sociopath went to prison too. But, I didn’t meet and get together with him until he was released. Funny hearing your story because he always said he hated one of his child’s mother, with a passion. But did say that they were talking before he got out. Then when he was released he quit talking to her and says he hates her. After playing detective, I found an old myspace account of his that he set up while locked up. On his myspace it said how much he loved her and couldn’t wait to see her again. I think he was just using her to a.) kill time in prison and b.) get money from her for commissary?
I know it hurts but you are better off without him. You will find someone someday that will value who you are and will treat you accordingly. Please do not lower yourself and continue to contact him. He is an asshole who doesn’t deserve anymore of your attention. Just walk away and work on yourself. This site has helped me tremendously as well as other books and readings. I’m still not there yet but have made huge progress. You can too!!! Just know in your heart that you don’t need someone like him in your life.
And please please please if he comes crawling back (which is VERY likely that he will) DO NOT entertain the idea or him. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. He is just toying with you!!! He is gauging his power over you. Don’t respond to him, ignore him, get away from him FAST.
I tried to post a comment for “blog ideas” re Sociopathic Widowers. I don’t know if it’s posted but I said I’d write my story to show how low these creeps can sink, and how effectively they can suck you in by “playing the widower card” as a smokescreen. In reality, this brand of sociopath is highly dangerous! The “grief” they carry hides their pent-up anger because their victim got away before he could discard her on his own. My story illustrates this.
I dated this creep, who I will call “A” (hole?) for about 4 years. He said his wife had passed away 2 years before I met him, from lung cancer. He told me (on the second or third date, in a pub) a long, tearful story about his wife being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer two months after they married, and dying a few months later despite his heroic efforts to “save” her. He even quit his fancy high-paying job to become a part-time school bus driver, just to stay home and wait on her hand and foot! A fairy tale marriage, tragically ended by her illness and demise!
White Knight in Shining Armour, right? I sure fell for the story, and felt both sorry for him, and deeply impressed with what a fine and faithful husband he was – so he’d be a great husband for me, right? A assured me that he was serious about finding a new wife to shower with his devotion, and that could be me!
He also went to great lengths to portray an image of a “good” man:
– Strict church attendance every Sunday, though he admitted it only started when his wife was dying
– Obsessively donating to various charities, especially cancer-related and children’s charities, and making sure everyone he met was aware of his generosity – his fridge is plastered with years-old pics of child models from children’s hospital charity ads, and thank-you letters from charities.
It didn’t take long before I fell madly in love with him despite seeing a lot of red flags:
– HUGE anger problem! And every thing he got angry about was someone else’s fault!
– I couldn’t spend an hour with him without hearing some mention of “we” (A and his wife, never A and me) or his Wife.
– The Wife stories started out as worshipful fond memories, but very quickly turned to extremely angry, nasty stories about her (her “crazy” behaviour caused by “her brain tumours”) and her family (“a bunch of freeloading hillbillies”).
– Evidence of online flirting with other women and that he had rejoined the dating site where he had found me, within a month of agreeing to be monogamous with me.
– creepy, overly-friendly behaviour towards female cashiers and waitresses, right in front of me
– little or nothing good to say about prior girlfriends or women in general
– A still wore his wedding ring, and it didn’t come off until we’d been together for nearly two years – then he suddenly pawned it as if it meant nothing. At first I had thought he had been wearing it as a memorial, now I know it was more like a Badge of Victimhood to garner pity from me and the other women he was pursuing. I guess it didn’t work as well as he intended, or I’m sure he’d still be wearing it!
I was weirded out by A’s behaviour and went on “dating a widower” websites and message boards for advice. I was told he was just going through the natural grieving process and that I should cut him some slack, and that the cheating was just normal indecision caused by grief and not being quite ready to commit to someone besides his wife – yet.
But over time more I found more red flags:
– A controlled the progress of the relationship, and that progress was abnormally slow.
– I didn’t meet any of his family until we’d been together 8 months. He’d go to family get-togethers weekly but bringing me was out of the question. When he finally introduced me to them, he got my name wrong!
– It took months before I got to see A’s house, even though he was always bragging about it.
– When I saw the house, it was a mess, there was hardly any furniture, what was there was either old discards or newly-bought, partially assembled and very cheap. But – the walls and tables were covered in wedding mementos, pics, trinkets, photo albums. At the time I thought he was too buried in grief for his late wife to fix up his house, especially after hearing the “reason” it was this way.
– He blamed his late wife’s family for “stealing all that he had” after falsely accusing him “out of the blue” of beating her, then having him banned from his own house for 2 months. A insisted that his wife had nothing to do with making these accusations.
– He said he didn’t find out about her death until months afterward, and didn’t even know where she was buried – all because of her Evil Family trying to keep the two lovebirds apart! He was just the poor, innocent, faithful, grieving widower whose beloved dying wife was ripped from his arms – along with most of his material possessions!
– A’s stories didn’t make sense to me, but he’d fly into a rage when questioned.
I found it easier to believe than question the stories, and felt even more sorry for him, thinking of A’s late wife as a thieving, lying gold-digger who just wanted A for all the money he supposedly had!
Sadly, I couldn’t see how creepy it was that he spent hours ranting to me about the STUFF that was “stolen from him”, and very little time bemoaning the loss of his supposedly beloved WIFE!
A manipulated me to be jealous of his late wife, and obsessed with him. He put her on a high pedestal, while refusing to tell me he loved me, and made it clear that this was because I hadn’t “earned” it in some way – the way his wife had. He made sure I knew about lovely romantic things they did together, but he never did any of them with me. The harder I tried to “earn” his love, the higher the bar was raised. His constant cheating was another means he used to keep me jealous and obsessed. He even told my pets he loved them, every day – but not me – not once in four years together!
Yet at other times (red flag) A would refer to his late wife as a “crazy bitch” who physically attacked him for no reason and constantly shrieked accusations of cheating whenever she found him in contact with another woman. If I did something that provoked him (such as confront him with evidence of cheating that I’d found), he’d compare me to her, while threatening or physically attacking ME.
This was opposite to what I knew of abusive psychopaths, who normally act jealous and obsessed with their current target, telling her constantly “I love you” etc. I had been in that kind of relationship before. So when A acted the opposite, I was fooled into thinking that I was the problem this time, and that I wasn’t doing enough to “help him” get over his grief and fall in love with me!
Here’s the truth that I eventually pieced together from things I found, stories from his family and things he said (and often later denied):
– He sucked his wife in via a long-distance relationship. They got to know each other via email and text chat. They never spent any real time together until she moved in when they married.
– She was the one with the money. To this day A is collecting her pension from the high-paying job she left to be with him! (He is still driving a school bus and says he has little spending money – why?)
– He would NEVER marry me or anyone else – because he’d lose that pension and the spousal survivor benefit, which is a big chunk of his income!
– All of the “stolen” household items were actually hers, which she took back when she left.
– A was living with his parents (in his fifties, with a well-paid job?) and had nothing of his own when he met her
– He cheated on his wife with various women from Day One, she caught and accused him, and he beat her physically, as well as emotionally I’m sure. He even came on to his wife’s sister in front of her (he admitted this but says he did it to punish his wife for getting drunk that day!)
– A beat his wife even while she was dying, weak, having seizures, and had no hair left (he admitted to “slapping her so hard her wig flew off”, then denied it later).
– Before physically leaving, the late wife tried to escape the situation with various means: alcohol, gambling websites, buying lottery tickets. I did similar, becoming a full-blown alcoholic while with A. I’m now 2 years sober.
– While A was away on his two-month “vacation” he hired a lawyer and made plans to divorce her, as well as take her to court for the utility bills for the 2 months he was away! But she got away first.
– I found a copy of her obituary that A had saved- it was under her maiden name, and there was not one mention of him or her marriage to him. It did mention two prior husbands, though.
– A only found out by accident from an insurance adjuster that she had died, months after the fact. This enrages him almost as much as the loss of “his” precious stuff.
I suspect that A’s obsession with his late wife has nothing to do with love, and more to do with the fact that she managed to escape him before he could ditch her. Sociopaths can’t stand to lose, and if they do, they must be able to take revenge!
The worst part for A is that he can’t take revenge on the dead. He doesn’t even know where to find her grave to spit on. To this day, however, he rants about “going to see her family with a gun”.
With all that pent-up rage inside, where do you think he’s going to take his revenge? On the next victim… as he did with me!
I finally got sick of waiting for A to magically change from the jerk he really was to the White Knight I thought he was at the beginning, and to hear those three magic words from him. At the same time I put the facts together as I described here. I saw him differently, and gradually started refusing to wait on him and beg for his love. He didn’t care: he was already dating others behind my back. So I was able to get out pretty easily, a couple of months ago. I’m still hurting, but it’s getting better now and I’m in counselling.
I’m not feeling very strong today. It’s been a crazy day with a little bit of a family emergency. I just want to run to him and ask him to hold me. I did really good last week, but now I’m starting to question myself and if he’s really as bad as I thought. I’ll do my best to stay strong tonight and comfort myself (probably with food, ugh). I know it won’t help any to contact him. I just missing having someone there to lean on. It helps to know you are all out there with me.
Hey Bluebird, hope you are still keeping strong! We are there for you as we will always understand. Take care.
I cant believe that there are so many people in the same position as me. I only realised he is a sociopath a couple of weeks ago, but I am glad I found out after 2 years of staying with him. I have read this morning that everything he said, did or otherwise was contrived and planned and quite honestly I do feel a little bit like vomitting at this moment. He was controlling – if he didnt like what I was wearing which was most days, he would start an argument, I dont think whatever I wore would have been right because it wasnt about the clothes it was about controlling me. He started an argument if I wanted to see my family or friends so in the end I became beaten down and only saw my family occasionally, and lost many of my friends. he stole from me, he was violent towards me and he was addicted to any substance available on the open market. I was frightened, anxious, agitated for most of the time I was with him. And the most manipulative act he did was leave his bags packed for the whole time he lived with me. He said it was because I might want him to leave, but now I know it was to scare me that he would leave me again, which he did at the start of our relationship. When I think back to the beginning I can see just how manipulative he was. He not only stole from me but he also borrowed money that he never paid back, I am about 2k down from when I first met him. He attacked me and stopped me from leaving the room, I ended up bruised and battered, made him leave, and reported him to the police. I had to give a statement, and they took photographs of the bruises. He was arrested, and when they had finished they phoned me up accusing me of being the one who was violent and not him. I couldnt believe it but that is the nature of a sociopath, blame, shame and frame.
Ugh…. it really is a joke how you are the innocent party, and yet they can turn the situation around on you. Unbelievable, but the mind of a sociopath.