Hi Positiva,
I thought this article/post was very good so, thought I’d share with you ;0)
To draw you closer, the psychopath creates an aura of desirability—of being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for you to be the preferred object of his attention, to win him away from a crowd of admirers. He manufactures the illusion of popularity by surrounding himself with members of the opposite sex: friends, former lovers, and your eventual replacement. Then, he creates triangles that stimulate rivalry and raise his perceived value. (Adapted from “The Art of Seduction” by Robert Greene).
A note before I continue: people fall in and out of love. People find new love, before and after relationships come to an end. People cheat on one another. This section is not about these everyday occurrences—no matter how heartbreaking and unfair they might be. Instead, I will be describing a very specific set of patterns and behaviors that psychopaths utilize in order to torture and control their targets.
Psychopaths, like most predators, seek power and control. They want to dominate their partners sexually, emotionally, and physically. They do this by exploiting vulnerabilities. This is why they love-bomb you with attention and flattery in the beginning of the relationship—because no matter how strong or confident you are, being in “love” makes you vulnerable by default. Psychopaths don’t need physical aggression to control you (although sometimes they do). Instead, relationships provide them the perfect opportunity to consume you by manufacturing the illusion of love. This is why it’s so damaging when bystanders say: “Well, why didn’t you just leave?” You never entered a relationship with the psychopath expecting to be abused, belittled, and criticized—first, you were tricked into falling in love, which is the strongest human bond in the world. Psychopaths know this.
So how does the psychopath maintain such a powerful bond over his targets? One of their favorite methods is through triangulation. When I mention this term, survivors usually equate it with the next target, but that is not always the case. Psychopaths use triangulation on a regular basis to seem in “high-demand”, and to keep you obsessed with them at all times. This can occur with anyone, not just other women:
1. Your family
2. His family
3. Your friends
4. His friends
5. Ex-partners
6. Partners-to-be
7. Complete strangers
The psychopath’s ability to groom others is unmatched. He feels an intense euphoria when he turns people against each other, especially when it’s over a competition for him. Psychopaths will manufacture situations to make you jealous and question his fidelity. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy—but the psychopath does exactly the opposite. He is constantly suggesting that he might be pursuing other options, or spending time with other people, so that you can never settle down into a feeling of peace. And he will always deny this, calling you crazy for bringing it up.
The issue here is that you’re accustomed to such a high level of attention after he first lured you in, so it feels very personal & confusing when he directs that attention elsewhere. He knows this. He’ll “forget” plans with you, and spend a few days with friends that he always complained about to you. He’ll ignore you to spend more time with the family, when he initially told you that they were horrible people. He’ll seek sympathy from an ex when a member of his family dies, and explain that they just have a “special friendship” you wouldn’t understand. Often—if not always—that ex is someone he first claimed was abusive and unstable.
Seeking attention, sympathy and solace from people who are not you is a very common tactic of the psychopath. As an empathetic person, and as his partner, you rightfully feel that he should be seeking comfort in you. You’ve always healed him in the past, so what’s different now? He once claimed that he was a broken man, and that you were the reason he was happy again. But now, he turns to private friendships or past relationships that you could “never understand”. And he will always make sure to shove this in your face.
This brings me to the next topic: social media.
Technology makes it so much easier for psychopaths to manipulate through triangulation. It can be as simple as liking a comment from an old ex, while ignoring one from you. He will “accidentally” upload a photo album where he’s embracing the ex he once claimed to hate. Everything appears to be unintentional—you often attribute it to insensitivity— but make no mistake: it is carefully calculated.
He will post strategically ambiguous statuses, songs, and videos that suggest you might be “losing” him. He will share things that are intentionally meant to lure in new & old targets. For example, an inside joke with his new victim. Or the love song that he and his ex once shared. This does two things: it leaves you feeling unhinged, anxious, and jealous. But it also makes the competing party feel confident, loved, and special. He is grooming them as he erodes your identity—two birds with one stone.
He wants you to confront him about these things, because they are so seemingly minimal that you will appear crazy and jealous for bringing them up. He will calmly provide an excuse for everything and then blame you. Covert abuse is impossible to prove, because it’s always strategically ambiguous. You can’t prove that he’s luring in his ex because of a song he posted, but you know it intuitively. This is how they finalize the crazy-making. Because let’s be honest: complaining about Facebook statuses & comments does seem immature. That’s exactly how he wants you to feel.
Psychopaths are also expertly skilled at surrounding themselves with givers—insecure people who find self-worth in taking care of others. This is why your giving seems so insignificant and replaceable during the relationship. He adores qualities in others who are nothing like you—sometimes even the exact opposite of you. The message is simple: you are no longer special. You are replaceable. If you don’t give him the worshipping he deserves, he’ll always have other sources. And even if you do give him positive energy, he’ll get bored of you eventually. He doesn’t need you. His current round of fans will always spoil and admire him, making you believe that he truly must be a great guy. But take a careful look around. You’ll notice that they all seem to have an unspoken misery about them.
The final triangulation happens when he makes the decision to abandon you. This is when he’ll begin freely talking about how much this relationship is hurting him, and how he doesn’t know if he can deal with your behavior anymore. He will usually mention talking to a close friend about your relationship, going into details about how they both agreed that your relationship wasn’t healthy. In the meantime, he’s been blatantly ignoring frantic messages from you. You’ll be sitting there wondering why he isn’t chatting with you about these concerns, considering it’s your relationship.
Well, the reason is that he’s already made the decision to dump you—now he’s just torturing you. He only seeks advice from people he knows will agree with him. That “friend” he’s talking to is likely his next target.
After the breakup, he will openly brag about how happy he is with his new partner, where most normal people would feel very embarrassed and secretive about entering a new relationship so quickly. And even more surprising, he fully expects you to be happy for him. Otherwise you are bitter and jealous.
During this period, he makes a post-dump assessment. If you grovel or beg, he is likely to find some value in your energy. He will be both disgusted and delighted by your behavior. If you lash out and begin uncovering his lies, he will do everything in his power to drive you to suicide. Even if you come back to him later with an apology, he will permanently despise any target who once dared talk back to him. You’ve seen too much—the man behind the mask.
This is why he constantly waves his new partner in your face, posting pictures and declaring his happiness online. Proving how happy and perfect they are. It’s a final attempt to drive you insane with triangulation. To make you blame her instead of him.
Exes who stay strung do not understand that they are puppets to the psychopath. Instead, they feel that they are fulfilling some sort of beautiful duty as his friend—someone who will always be there for him. They don’t understand that they are only kept around to spice things up when he becomes bored. They don’t see that they are the basis of so many fights—not because their friendship with the psychopath is special and enviable—but because the psychopath intentionally creates that drama. They are operating under the delusion that their friendship with the psychopath is brilliant, unique, and unprecedented. When in reality, he just uses them to triangulate.
So how can you protect yourself from this devastating emotional abuse? First, you must learn self-respect. I will discuss this in more detail later on in the book. But the bottom line is, you need know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship. You should know that a man who cheats and antagonizes is not worth your time. You should never resort to calling yourself crazy in order to account for his extremely sketchy behavior. But that’s hard to do with subtle, covert, crazy-making abuse.
So here’s where I introduce “The Detective Rule”. The idea is simple: if you find yourself playing detective with someone, you remove them from your life immediately. Remember your Constant? Do you play detective with them? Do you cyberstalk their Facebook page and question their every intention? No, of course not. So you know the common denominator is external.
Even if this sense of distrust feels obscure and unreasonable, trust your gut. If you are constantly worrying or doubting your thoughts, it’s time to stop blaming yourself and start taking action.
Miraculously, every single time you remove that toxic person from your life, you will find that the anxiety subsides. Some of us are better at judging ourselves than others, so this finally gives you a chance to put that to use. You can decide whether or not you like the way you feel around someone. No one can ever tell you that your feelings are wrong. Remember the question: “How are you feeling today?” The answer is all that matters.
Triangulation leaves long-lasting emotional scars, and it makes you feel as if you are a jealous, needy, insecure monster. Start healing those scars and understand that they were manufactured. You were not yourself—you were manipulated. The real you is kind, loving, open-minded, and compassionate. Never question these things again.
This article was originally published in forum thread: Torture by Triangulation started by Peace View original post
Oh wow!!! I’ve found myself talking about the “Detective Rule”. I’m glad I read it here as well. I’ve said since the beginning of the end that I will never play detective again. If I get that gut feeling again, I’m out!!!
I think it should be noted that not all sociopaths/psychopaths are the same. They don’t all fit every criteria, and it may take time for some of these traits to come out and if you’re like me, I wasn’t with my sociopath that long. Maybe it would have been something I went through had we stayed together (I’m so glad it ended when it did).
Tried to add my story but can’t find it, so if it’s elsewhere in the wrong place please delete it.
Me four years ago:
Married, outgoing, confident,people person,Physically very fit.oh yes and Empath…to the point of sometimes feeling I have a sixth sense into people’s feelings! Great job in which I can use all of my creativity, imagination, caring nature and understanding of people to help others. It fills a void for my stale, longstanding marrige to a selfish control freak who offers me NO intimacy at all.
New guy comes along,I make him welcome, he is aloof, secretive,abrupt……….but.seems to get along with me just fine,well I do have that personality?
He loosens up a little, we talk over the months, he says he is very insecure, all past relationships have had their bad points,they all did the dirt on him for some reason or another, but his ex still wants him back? He seems to hang around one woman in particular at a time, but I pass it off as he is also married. Gets very close to me, helps me….a lot, everything I like so does he, he watches me like a hawk and takes in every little detail about me,shows a very strong interest, follows me everywhere. I feel that there is a strong connection between us, but he never actually says so, only the little innuendos and inside jokes.
Begin to see him pass as I leave work, phone starts ringing and then hanging up when I answer,,a lot. I don’t even think it could be stalkish,by now, I am beginning to have feelings for him. By now he is telling me he is deeply in love with me (three months)
We begin a relationship, against all of my morals, and it is very obsessive,for me,and especially for him, he can not leave me alone, needs to see me, hear me, touch me, so clingy that my friends are now making comments, strangers think we are a married couple, we are so alike!
I notice that I have phone messages that are open, but I know I haven’t opened them myself, catch him putting my phone back quickly,but just think,God he has it bad, but feel unnerved a little…He then gets a little distant,…excuses for not texting, and I begin getting odd texts which don’t refer to me, I begin watching him and notice seomeone else has his interest,he likes all the same things she does, he seems to like making physical contact with her too. I question him on his distance.he comes back full swing, makes plans (we have not been physical yet)..he tells me I am so stunning that it worries him, asks me why do I want him all the time??
I reassure him, I feel like I am constantly having to by now. We get to the physical stage but something doesn’t feel right, I can’t put my finger on it yet.
By now he is telling me he wants to leave everything for me, and I do for him, but we have to keep it quiet.
It goes on and I have to be away with family for a while, he contacts me constantly on my trip, but sends things which don’t add up, I feel uneasy, he refers to me as you would to a buddy one minute and tells me he is dying without me the next, all I want is to get home to resolve the matter,it ruins my trip…Two days later I hear him with her,in the room next to me,they are not talking but there are sighs,ooh,ahhhs,,,,,,and I know, all of my instincts are correct, I hadn’t imagined those looks, touches, and inside jokes, my world falls apart, I have risked everythign I have for a thrill chaser!
He denies it, his stories change, but he convinces me there is something wrong with my hearing and my senses, he begs me to see him every day and reassures me I am wrong, he would never hurt me, he is obsessed with me, I let it go becasue I can’t stand the seering pain and shame I’m feeling. All the time I can see those looks still, he is nervous when we are both there at the same time, I want to talk with her, but I can’t.
He then gets another job, all the time promising that it is NOT goodbye, we are forever,he even makes love to me every week and I have never felt passion like it in my life.
As soon as he moves, things don’t add up, I hear from him every day morning and night, but he doesn’t seem to want to see me, I start analysing every single thing,,,,,she starts asking me where I’ve been, when, etc. she also starts hanging round me and I feel she wants to talk,,,but I don’t,,,by now I am paranoid, some of my friends seem to be quiet and reserved around me, and his contact is minimal.
Out of the blue I read a credit card satement and find to my horror that it’s reached its limit,but I haven’t used it,at all,,I question my son, there are items on it which no one in my family would use, but I let it go, I am too consumed with my private matters, it’s all I can think about.
He still continues with deep love bombing by text, but no face to face meetings,, he is so busy, he also continues to drop hints about the other one which feel like a kick in the stomach. I question him,,,,,,,,back he comes with a meeting here and there, but never any attempt for physical closeness, which doesn’t match the words he sends…at all. He makes hints that his wife is suspicious, we should play it cool for a while,I ask,how is she, your are not meeting me??
He wants to know where I am everyday, he has now forgotten my work schedule, but craftily asks all the time what I’m doing, I am paranoid it’s because he wants me out of the way to meet someone else, but don’t want to keep pushing the matter., this goes on for months and I ask him,do you want this to end?, why are you doing this to me?…he keeps saying…NO I can’t bear the thought of you not in my life, things will be good, I promise, we just have to be patient.
I see constantly that he is stringing me along, tell him it’s over, something that happened a long time ago, but isn’t actually happening now,,he begs, pleads,,,gives me an hour to talk, and I come away feeling hooked again, but also feeling that I was just duped.
Things come to a head with the other one, we talk, she denies everything,
I give him the benefit of the doubt,try to let it all go and believe it’s all over between them. she starts a smear campaign against me, and tries to have me fired which doesn’t work.
All through it he continues to contact me with the love bommbing, only wishes to actually speak to me if he thinks there may be a problem, every time I talk to him I feel I am being duped,,he never actually answers a question, only changes the subject, usually to a pity story,,and his abswers are evasive ones.
I know by now he is a compulsive liar, but I make excuses for him. Because I know he lies, I don’t believe a single word he tells me, three years later, he is still telling me I am the love of his life, the only one who knows him, and the only one who can ‘break down his walls’ He is childish, even in his writing sometimes, repetetive, even to the point of sending the same excuses as before when they are totally ridiculous ones. He is obsessively jealous of my social life and my friends, even my Granchild.
I have thought for a while that he is Borderline, but there are cruel things he did which I can’t list which make me think Sociopath, although he has never hurt me physically. He actually seems to enjoy it when I fall for his stories (dupers delight)
What hurts the most is that I have a deep love for him, so deep that I buried all this for a long time, (the truthful side) every time I tried to confide in anyone they looked at me like I was a basket case, no one understands how enmeshed you become with people like this, no one knows how hard it is to break free, I have tried many times to break free, all my friends think I am the crazy obsessed one,,they don’t know that it was him who made me this way. At the moment while he is being a little distant I feel okay, I don’t worry too much what’s going on in the background.
My ife has become so controlled by it all that I don’t know how to let it all go.
Sorry it’s long but this is not even half of it
Hi, this is the first time I have ever blogged…..I have just realized I’ve been the victim of a sociopath. Reading all of this is like a glimpse of my last 3 years!! I’m struggling with the hurt, thank you for your posts!!
Hi thanks for this pheonix, its a really good article. Can you post the link for it? I don’t usually put other work directly on this site, unless reblogged directly back to the link (I think i have only done that one time).I know that I don’t like it if someone copies and pastes my work. Also it affects my rankings on google searches if my work on this site isn’t original content. This is a great article though, but it is work that someone is using for a book (as my work is on this site) can you post the link for it, so that I can edit your post and put it on, that person might see it as a link to their site, and can ask to have it removed if they wish.
I’ve been struggling to let go of my ex for over a year. I know that I don’t need any more to confirm that he is a sociopath. The part that speaks about triangulation hit home…again for me. He made me believe our friendship was super special. One of a kind. The only person he talked to. When I said I could no longer handle being his friend he sent me this this text:
“I’m losing the friend I’ve text every day for the last year an a half. Who will I text now?”
In my head I’m thinking, did he forget 90% of those texts are me spazzing out about him ignoring me? That our friendship has consisted of me taking him $ every two weeks?
I’m so dependent on him, it’s physically sickening. I was always on edge and I found myself many times when i discovered an inconsistency that i was biting me tongue because I didn’t want to upset him. I could tell he could see I was upset and he would start talking a mile a minute about something to distract me and it always worked. When we did fight, I always had to apologize for catching him in a lie or accusing him. He would say to me “I’m never going away, I’m going to fix your behavior, this needs to stop.”
He is surrounded by adoring groupies (men and female friends, one being my best friend, she introduced us)His audience ready to jump for him. Rides, paper, cigarettes, lying in court for him, food and on and on. I want to warn these people that he is using them but feel its not my place. Some I feel are getting tired of his behavior and I don’t want to put my friend in the middle or interrupt their friendship. If I say something I could hear him pulling up old text messages and sharing examples of my “craziness”
This is so crazy. I’m trying so stay strong. I’m keeping my mind busy and I tell myself many many times throughout my day that I’m going to be just fine. I’m winning now.
Hang in there girl! Me too but the one thing that helps me is knowing that he is a hollow shell of a man and he will never know what love is! So having said that, joke is on them, we have it and they can’t get it! That’s makes warm and fuzzy inside!,
Wow. That sums up my relationship. Hiding his cell phone. Looking for calls and texts. Online websites etc. and using his ex to make me jealous. And now being online calling me names saying he has a new “baby” who makes him happy now. Well he will NEVER be happy. He isn’t capable! He has nothing to offer anybody. Just a temper and ruthless demeanor.
I am completely amazed by how accurate this is, how cunning and clever they are. I’ve been a victim of this exact behavior!!! I searched online for years trying to figure out what was wrong with the man I was involved with and KNEW there had to be an explanation…I thought he was a wounded man and believed if I could get him to trust me, he would commit and “be” someone better as a result….NOT!
The specifics of psychopath’s and sociopath’s behavior is astonishing and it seems they read a book on how to be one or both…the verbage they use is classic….nothing short of diabolical!!!
Now the healing begins!
I hope you read my post above, me too I’m flabbergasted at what I’ve read…he meets all the criteria of a sociopath, but I couldn’t see it! What’s worse is I work in the healthcare profession and this jerk has played me for a fool…….
Everyday it gets better, and then a memory bubble pops up and I’m still processing all the past 3 yrs! My hope is that he moves from our small town so I don’t have to see him anymore!!
Wow this has really helped me today!!
One of the red flags I saw ‘before’ things started for me certainly was triangulation! I even remember thinking ‘he’s doing this on purpose!!
Sadly I wanted him so badly that,,yes,all of his attention to me made me feel that I was the special one.
He has continued triangulating throughout, purposely and slyly mentioned things about the other woman (two years after the drama) simply because he knows it pulls my cords.
He has now started using his family to triangulate,,,I see it when it happens now and back off myself,guess what,,he immediately comes back with the wooing!!
Hi Positiva,
Yes, sorry I got it off Pinterest & I thought the link was at the bottom of the article.
It comes from a book Psychopathfree and was via a thread from PEACE & titled Torture by Triangulation. Pyschopathfree has it’s own website & forum etc…I hope I haven’t upset you
😦
It is on Pinterest so,I thought it was okay to share but,I will check with you in future ;0)
No if you just copy and paste the link, they will see it on their own website and if they have a problem with it, they can ask me to remove. I do think it is a great article.
No of course not upset me!! 🙂 If it is on pintrest, then it is shared via sharing buttons (can you see at the bottom of each post on here?) – that way people can share work, but it links back to the page. 🙂 thank you anyway as it is good.
Great link! it brings back a lot of scenarios for me, and all those times he did this (usually with someone he had latched onto at work so he could do it in front of me) hurt like hell, but now I see just how sick it was.
He still tries to triangulate now, even in his texts, always mentions a girl at work who’s been helping him, etc…..I just ignore and ignore!
They say when you take a step back and look from the outside, you can actually see why your friends thought you was the crazy one.
I would be paranoid that there was someone else ALL the time, repeat every sentence he had said about ‘others’ over in my head…. and yes,I did play detective constantly. I used to think,if only I could catch him, it would be easier to just walk away.
I was so enmeshed that I was sidetracked from the real issue.
The fact that he does this is proof enough that he is disordered to some degree, whether or not there are others. It is sick, cruel, and does leave you feeling that you are losing the plot.
Mine had already groomed me to accept this behaviour and not question it, with his ” I grew up around lots of girls”……….”I’m used to being around females”….manipulation right from the outset!
He even turned that round on me when I caught him at it with “why didn’t you speak to me about it if you thought I was too close to her? ”
…because I didn’t want to appear needy and you programmed me not to you cruel b*s.*…*..*.rd!!!
Triangulation..what an epiphany! My soc did this with me and the OW, me and the new woman (or, one of them anyway) and at least twice before with his ex and two other women. Makes complete sense.
I actually think he went as far as to send nasty messages to each of us, meant to sound like they were from the other person, to pin us against each other. After getting to know her, I found out she didnt send any of it. I mean, of course she could be lying, but if we are talking about gut instincts, my gut tells me she didnt, and he did. To pin us against each other. What a sicko.
• I was an oldeinsurance very depressed vulnera. e single mum.
• Met on an app on fb. He contacted me.
• After weeks of chatting online and by phone I asked if he wanted to meet up.
• Hit it off really well. He was very affectionate. After first sexual encounter asked if I’d ever considered having a boob job. I laughed. I was happy with my DD bust (he liked big chested women and his ex was massive compared to me)
• I now have a complex about my bust. It doesn’t help that I lost two stone and most of what boobage I had. He once pinched my nipples that hard during sex that he made them both bleed.
• Moved in after a couple of months. He had no job and lived off me (parasite)
• Found out everything about me as I was very depressed and had bwen mentally abused by my long term ex (although he was a pussy cat compared to what I had now let myself in for)
• He mirrored my ideal partner that I couldn’t beleive how lucky I was
• Most of his family are alcoholics. He liked a drink (all at my expense) I hadnt drunk so often in all my life but was having the time of my life
• Dismissed how he said he had treated his ex. Slamdunked her. Hit her. Abused her. Cheated on her. How he had two phones and would text other women whilst laying in bed next to her. Showed no remorse at all and was almost getting off on it) How he tried turning her against her own children. Got engaged to her using an old ring his mother gave him just to shut her up and make her think it was real. How he never loved her but told me we was real and would never do any of this to me. I was besotted.
• After two weeks I admittedly said to him that I think I’m falling in love with him. He laughed in my face but six weeks later suggested we have a child together. This was not something I jumped into lightly. I had already had two broken longterm relationships which involved children and aired all my concerns (my age. Not wanting another child to come from a broken home plus lots more but over the weeks he assured me he wasnt going anywhere. Not now. Not ever and kept telling me how much he loved me.
• He wanted to get engaged. (I paid for both our rings as he also wanted an engagement ring)
• Plenty of red flags over a course of only a few months but I chose to ignore them justifying it all with his behaviour isnt aimed at me despite him having a history of self harming and done this once in front of me.
• Kept asking me whats my percentage of trust for him??
• I paid for absolutely everything including putting him on my car Insurance. (He abused my car over our time together red lining it in every gear and proud of it)
• Basically. In ten months we were engaged, married (paid for by myself, my parents and his dad. Not a penny contribution from him and I was two months pregnant. I was the happiest woman alive and honestly couldn’t beleive my luck.
• Weeks after our child was born was when my bubble burst and my whole world came crashing down. Our baby was weeks old and basically I stumbled across something on the computer that I wasn’t looking for nor suspected. Basically my husband had set up a fictitious fb account and sent two messages to his big chested ex telling her she was well fit plus another women and one women had excepted his friend request. He had joined two groups. Likes girls with the biggest tits and another likes sex games. I was mortified. Bottom line he first denied it then was all the sorrys. I over the next two years did not trust him as far as I could throw him and could not drop it either. I wanted answers. Why did he do this to me? How could he do this to me? This put a massive massive strain on our marriage and his masked slipped.
• He glared at me and told me “I hope you die of the harshest cancer”
• Shouted “I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.
• Told me to just drop it all and do it all his way and we will be alright
• Said how nothing was his problem
• Told me he didnt want me to love him. He dont do love that way he cant get hurt
• Said he didnt do family. Its boring. He just wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.
• When I asked why did you marry me his reply coz I thought thats what you done next. Why did he want a baby with me his reply anyone can have a kid. What was the best part of our wedding day. His reply. The party afterwards. Why did he bother turning up. His reply. Coz I didn’t want you too look stupid. He also said if we was waiting for me to pay for the wedding we would still be waiting and he laughed.
• NEVER called me by my name. I was babe, baby, darling or girl along with silly bitch, mad, mental, crazy, joker and mug to name a few.
• smashed my bedroom up after an all day drink binge spending all our christmas money at the pub and kicking both the waldrobe doors off there hinges and hurling them across the bedroom one landed in oor babies cot along with the baby bath. Luckily our little one was asleep downstairs. They were only 5 months old and this happened the day after our first wedding anniversary.
There’s so much more to this. Too much to write. Basically he had taken me for everyrhing I had. He was horrible. A vampire. When I was undressing one night he said Errrr. your getting skinny. I don’t like skinny birds. I like something with a bit of meat on em. Sime cushion for the pushon. Arsehole. His planted so many seeds in my head its untrue.
We separated for four weeks last year. I had zero contact with him. I missed him every second of every day. Did he miss me. Like hell did he. Back to his old tricks. On the dating websites and his fb grooming lots of vulnerable women. I cleared my house of all his stuff which he collected. Four weeks later yes after a very feeble attempt of I love you. I want you back etc despite me knowing deep down he was manipulating me just coz this was the only way to get to see his son I stupidly gave it another go. He never moved back in but towards the end of this five month reconciliation he was staying most nights. He had promised he would stop drinking. Go for counselling for himself which he did a few times. Marriage guidance. Anger management. Parenting course and engage with a psychiatrist. He knew I kbew what he is. I had shared this with him for ages and he agreed everything I read to him sounded like him. I ended it for the final time the end of last year. I am high risk with the dv department. his fighting to see our child. He has had two supervised visits at a contact centre. My request. I am so concerned for our childs wellbeing in his care. I might have broken free but it scares me that I have to re introduce our child into the toxic environment that my soon to be ex husband creates and created for himself. Eight months has passed and im still undergoing counselling. Looking deep within myself. The last four years going round and round in my head everyday. Beating myself up. Going through the grieving process over and over. Remembering things he said but never questioned hum on that now looking from the outside in raise alarm bells. Missing the man I fell in love with and knowing gis not real. Thats really really hard to come to terms with. I don’t want him stalking my every thought. Yes I’m allowing it but so don’t know how to get off this roller coaster hell that im on. Having a child with this person is what makes all this so much harder for me. I feel so cheated ans I’m raising our child single handedly. No child support no nothing. He wants to see our child but I honestly feel its for all the wrong reasons. He always said to me I was his property and I feel he views our child in the same way. Me and our child was nothing but a hindrance to him when he was here. His got what he wanted. The life and freedom to do what the hell he likes. I resent that im left picking up the peices raising our child the best that I can and his out there somewhere with no responsibility and not a care in the world. The only person he has to worry about is himself but then his an expert at that. He always said the only person he looks out for is number one.
He threatend me that I I ever met someone else we had both better watch ourselves. His done a pretty good job of damaging me soooo much that I dont honestly think I could trust another man. Im not interested in forming a new relationship I wanted the family unit with the fake him. Ive not had sex since october last year which was with him. I got woken up with him pleasing himself inside me. Twice in a week. Had everything been rosy I wouldn’t have minded but I feel very violated by that. He used and abused me every which way he could. I’m taking one day at a time but keep going backwards not forwards. His manipulating his solicitor and the contact centre. Its all so damn frustrating. I would love to meet up personally with others that are going through all this. No one I know gets me and its so frustrating and very lonely. My heart goes out to all off you and I’m pleased I have found others who can relate to my pain and confusion.
Can I also just add when we first initiallh split up and he went straight onto grooming other women. I asked him how could he do this. His reply was what did you expect me to curl up in the corner and cry. Nah your alright. I dont do that shit. He admitted to grooming six women at the same time and dropped two of them because they were boring. Wouldnt send pics if their tits. He also openly said he only goes for the older single mums because there the ones who are most vulnetable and beleive his bull shit. He also said how he had been chatting up a married woman whos old enough to be his mother as I nearly am but shes older than me and said he was very tempted to meet her. Tols me she had a accent. Etc just rubbing salt into my already wide open wound. Said how any nationality a do as long as there not black coz all blacks have got aids. His soooooo sick and so nasty and malicious. I could go on andon here. Sorry for the already long read.
Hi Soul Destroyed 🙂
Keep reading & sharing & you’ll need to gather all your supports,friends,family,doctor,psychologist? Anyone that can help you.
You are right that only other sufferers get what you have been through but, you still need to take care of yourself so, all the support I mentioned is crucial 🙂
You can vent here but, only you can do your healing.
Believe in yourself, focus on the positive’s in your life (your Baby) & like a baby, it takes little steps at a time as you are on a journey to a better place, Your going to find strength you never knew you had & you will find YOU!
You are not alone, your a survivor 🙂
Hi SD 🙂
How are you travelling?
I hope you are okay & that the LO is thriving.
Let me know your okay soon….thinking of you 🙂
PR xoxo
Soul I get u. 100%. I’ve heard it all. Even bought wedding rings. I’m always the love of his life and I should know that he loves me. That’s why he left again while I was at work and ignores me and lives online looking to replace me.
I just posted my story today but I’ve been reading this site and the awareness site every day for the past 3 wks. It’s the only thing getting me thru. This is the longest we’ve gone NC and after reading UR post I worry he might come back yet again after he gets bored playing online. I’m all he has here in Texas and all he knows at any measure if depth. Lord help me say no if he tries.
Judahbug. I read your story earlier and can so relate to your pain and the yearning for him. I had this in the four weeks we were first separated and tgen again on our last and final split. Trust me that yearning does subside. You will go through all sorts of greiving stages because technically that is how we are made to feel once we leave. I grieved the man that never really was. That was one of the hardest parts for me. My soul mate. My knight in shining armour. It was all a mask and hurts like hell. Im nearly 9 months on. Every day has been a struggle. I’m not going to lie, but I’m fortunate to have a good network of people around me. Inside and outside the family. I recently had some cranial sacral therapy which my sister had mentioned. I had never heard of it before so I done some research. I decided to go ahead and have a therapy session because I’m so desperate to move forward and was prepared to try anything with an open mind. I am feeling so much more positive since my treatment and the tape has stopped playing over and over in my head ad it had been all these months. Had we not had a child together I feel I would have been ready to finally start living my life again (as a single woman though because im still no where yet ready to have or want for that matter a relationship) but sadly I am being held back because of all the ongoing saga regarding arrangements for contact with our lo which has again after three supervised sessions has been put on hold and his applied to the court for access so I have a court case to deal with now. In my situation I do feel this is the best course regarding this matter because its been taken out of my hands.
I do still have a very long way to go and am still healing and finding myself but I am slowly moving forward. Ive had some great support on here by phoenix which im really grateful for. We are all here for the same reason so can fully relate to each other be our experiences slightly different but their behaviours the same.
Just keep coming back here. We are all here for you. Just try and stay as focused as you can and take one day at a time. You are stronger than you think. Start believing in yourself and know you are far better off out of it than in it although it may not feel like that at the moment. Focus on finding you and loving you for the wonderful person you are. Keep talking. Its better out than in. We are all survivors. Time is a great healer. Please just trust in yourself that you will get through this. Its not going to happen over night. Everyday you get through is one day nearer to your recovery. Stay strong and positive.
Big hugs x
Thank you for your support and kind words. I do have a network of people and am undergoing longterm counselling. Its just that the people I have working with me have no experience or degrees in understanding properly what I’m going through. They sympathise but lack the true understanding. I appreciate its very hard for family members to get me also which does make me feel like a broken record and leaves me feeling just as frustrated as they more than likely feel. Talking to people who don’t get me isn’t very comforting to me. I am trying so hard to move forwards but its an uphill struggle. Have some good days but then have some very bad days too. I’ve just had enough of all this and just want it all to stop.
It is hard to talk to people who don’t understand and it is impossible to understand unless you have been there. Also people who blame or judge are not useful either. Stay strong and try to focus on you, and loving you. It might have been a while since you have done this. It is important to learn to love yourself, find the person in the mirror… its all there.
Thank you for your support. I don’t think I have ever truly looked in the mirror and seen this truely amazing person that I really am. I so need to stop being so hard on myself.
Can you tell me if this sounds like a sociopath?? I have been in an off and on with this man for 9 yrs. he has hurt me tremendously and left me confused.
He doesnt care how he hurts others
Blames others for his mistakes
Doesnt leave one relationship unless another is already started
Claims to be friends but ignores all emails etc for no reason
Doesnt care when he gets caught
Gets mad at trivial things. Irratated if asked if everything is ok between us. Says “i wont lose sleep if u stop calling”
Charming
Lies
Gets defensive when confronted
Crooked business behaviour
Cold/callus for no apparent reason
Secretive
Gets what he wants then treats me like trash when im trying to be at least a friend
Makes me feel like im crazy because i snap when im hurt
Like he doesnt get it or care
Makes me feel hated by him
Never says hes sorry or thank you
Uses my insecurities to push a button
A
I realized at one time i didnt want to continue the cycle and tried to talk calmly to him about that we shouldnt start things up again and he flipped out and next thing i new i was wanting him and his forgiveness
Im having a very hard time letting this go. It would help if i knew for sure he was a soc
Help
I am unable to diagnose here need. The important thing is how your partner Makes you feel about you. If its not good you need to get out. For you. What I write about healing and recovery would be the same. Also look up narcissistic personality disorder..
Yes you are trying & that is the first step & yes nobody get’s it unless they have either experienced it or something similar. Looking for answers helps but, it also hurts.
Unfortunately the only way to the other side of this trauma is through it 😦
I was where you are but, am slowly accepting & moving a bit each day. There is no miracle cure but, I am sure if you speak to your Doctor they may give you something to settle your mind so, you can get some rest.
I got a low dose anti-depressant which I did not want to take but, my Doctor said this type of trauma & experience has been protracted & vicious so, she thought in my best interest to prescribe me something to help.
I also sought counselling, have great friends & family but, also I didn’t want the Sociopath to reduce me any further than he had. I could not & will not let him break me down.
My only defence has been to rise above him & show him I am better than him!
I am still working on it, exercising, smiling even when I feel like a mess & making myself busy etc…I am focusing on all my positives, family & friends,work etc…anything to move me into a better frame of mind. It’s working but, it’s been a constant battle.
You can do this, you just have to start small & build. Give yourself a big hug from me because if I could I would. You are a survivor, look what you have had to go through.
You have to believe that you are worthy & special.
You Not Alone, just get through each day as each day it does get better.
Make a pact with me to check in each day if you want & we’ll encourage each other.
I’m not you, only you can do this but, I and all the other survivors are here to help YOU 🙂
Stay strong, stay with us & we’ll help where we can 😉
Love & happiness to you 😉
Again thank you so much. Your supportive words have made me cry. I’m a very emotional sensitive little soul and just knowing at last someone gets me is so over whelming.
Our little one keeps me busy and gives me the strenghth to carry on. I’ve been down that road of anti depressants five years ago and again during this relationship. I’m not against any form of help but told myself I never wanted to go back down that route as I made many wrong decisions and lived in a bubble. I was constantly told that im weak for reaching out by the ex but I know first hand only strong people reach out and its the hardest thing to do. It takes courage. My dr did suggest I go back on them to help me through this very difficult time but I’ve managed to stay off them. Not necessarily a wise choice but one I wanted to make. I want to be in control of me, my emotions, feelings, pain etc as surely this can only make me stronger (talking souly of myself here) . Who knows there may come a point where I need to go back down that route but I’m using my counselling to help me through it.
Im 8 months down the line and if Im honest with myself and look at all the positives rather than the negatives (yes I’m still very negative) I have come a long long way a d achieved so much already all be some of it little changes. I’m being true to myself and digging deep within my own core to find me. On the surface I know what I am ie a very loving caring person, compassionate etc but I have always neglected myself and my own wants and needs as others happiness I always thought was more important than my own. I find it hard to say no and hate upsetting anyone. I have to realise that I can be selfish in a healthy way occasionally although it feels wrong. Ive spent my life trying to fix those I’m with hoping and praying they will change and be a better person in themselves rather than getting a kick out of hurting using and abusing others. I too am realising that I can’t fix anyone else. Only myself. Thats proving to be a very difficult task in itself. I need to learn to love me. Nurture myself and stop being so hard on myself. I’m not perfect and never claimed to be but I’ve always treated others with respect and all the ways I myself want to be treated.
This all sucks. It really does. Yes I’m amongst you survivors. I’ve shocked myself at just how strong I really am. I was constantly fed the lines you wont cope without me. Your end up comitting suicide. You need me. You will always love me. The sick list goes on but I have proved him wrong despite the trauma I’m left with. I’m slowly picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild my life and I have three beautiful children. How lucky am I.
I will post daily and appreciate having others around me that get me.
The hardest part for me are the feelings of abandonment. And it magnifies my daughter and family not speaking to me although I have tried to reach out. The other hard part is the brainwashing of how he slowly isolated me and took me outta my own world. I even left my church I had been in since 1989! We were going to find a new one together but he never did. Well my pastor was one of the first people I got back in contact with. But I have such a long way to go. I still miss the jerk.
It does suck & your Soc sounds very sadistic & he belongs back in the sewer he came from!
WOW 8 months & look how far you have come already 🙂
You are doing a great job & you should be proud. I only take one anti-depressant before bed as it takes the edge off so,my mind doesn’t work overtime, especially in the early days after my discard. My story is on here under my tag Pheonix Rising. It’s a very different scenario as I had a high functioning Soc & had he not been exposed to me via the other woman I would probably be none the wiser. I am glad I’m out even though the revelation of what I had been dealing with was confronting 😦 My Soc was textbook but, he never criticised my looks etc…if anything he always said nice things. He demeaned me in the bedroom & with whispers when out that I was a slut etc…that he owned me,I was his possession. Yes I was & I had been groomed for many,many years 😦
I can relate to how you feel in regard to the war that goes on between your heart & head & the lies & manipulation does take it’s toll.
None of us deserve to be treated like we are items to be used,abused & taken for granted but,Soc’s love to take advantage of our good natures 😦
They use us against ourselves to undermine us & play with us, that’s their agenda & they feel powerful etc…the thrill they get is sickening.
Like you I am a people pleaser & want to make everyone happy. I take stuff others wouldn’t because I don’t value myself but, that is something I am learning to rebuild. We are valuable & deserve good,authentic love especially of ourselves. So keep looking in that mirror & look deep into your soul because you have a beautiful onel. Our Soc’s are soulless, that’s why they want to suck ours from us! Keep valuing yourself, everyday do some simple affirmations & believe them, write them down & read them. Do something for you everyday,allow yourself some time with the special person you are 😉
I’m in Australia so,might be some time delay but, I will be here for you when I can 🙂
Be Happy 🙂
Hi,
Just checking in, how are you feeling today/night, not sure where in the world you are?
I hope you are feeling better & finding some relief in talking to others 🙂
Just be kind to yourself & stick to the healing recommended.
Your never alone
🙂 🙂 🙂
Good morning PR. Thank you for thinking of me. Im in the UK.
I’m doing my upmost to stay focused and positive. Every time he comes into my mind which is still more often than not I visulise a big pair of scissors and me cutting the rope to him trying to set myself free. (its not helping much though lol he stalks my thoughts seconds layer) This is all so tiring and a waste of my time. Having had his child I feel makes this harder and because everything is still very much in the air regarding contact issues and my concerns plus me having filed for divorce. I’m just waiting for the day when I am free (again I will never be totally because of our lo).
I cant express enough how much I just want this nightmare to end. He never gave a flying f**k about me when he was here and he definitely aint losing no sleep. Never did when I would be laying there all night tossing and turning crying myself to sleep whilst his head hit the pillow and was out for the count literally seconds later. Im almost certain he would get a buzz from me still after all these months struggling with all this. I’m almost certain also that I’m suffering with PTSD or a form of. Little things send me backwards. Songs on the radio, peoples names and places, my car (as he used to drive it and abused that too), the house (although there is nothing of his here) driving past where he is/was renting (I avoid as much as I can as it causes me to get really bad anxiety but without me having to go miles out my way to get somewhere I have to take that route) my counsellor said I shouldnt live in fear and definitely should not have to rearrange my journey because of that. She said the more you do it rather than avoid it it will get easier and for me to remember anxiety is a feeling/emotion but I’m not in any danger. Aww so so many triggers for me and it can put me straight back on my arse and can take me hours sometimes even days for me to stabilise myself again.
I just seriously cant get my head round how someone can treat another human being like this. I’m so worried and concerned that our lo will take after him. I just so dont want him manipulating and brainwashing our lo. Im constantly told kids are smartvand normally work things out for themselves eventually. Well I sure hope they do. I dont talk bad of him to our lo but I dont promote him either. Aaarrrgggghhhh my mind is going into one again. I just have sooo many concerns and I’m trying to heal myself at the same time. Ir makes me just want to run away but I know there would be no point as everything I’m carrying at the moment will follow me. So damn frustrating and soul destroying.
Hi SD,
I am not surprised that you are so traumatised & having a young child as well, goes without saying that you would feel the way you do 😦
It is gut wrenching reading all you are going through as I feel so sad for you 😦
However I am hear to support you & hopefully help you feel a bit better?
I know how hard it is to bounce back when you have had so much but, if the past has taught us anything it is that we are survivors. I know when my marriage broke down, my ex ran off with the receptionist in our business & consequently we lost everything, home, cars, business etc…my kids were devastated. I had to start all over again & unfortunately then my Sociopath appeared! I thought here was my shiny knight except as time has shown he turned out to be a very dark knight 😦
Still here I am once again trying to rebuild my life piece by piece, bit by bit.
It’s amazing the mind games that have gone on & still we are left to try & understand how someone does this??? I think to understand we would have to be like them & I for one would never want to be like that. Your little one will be okay with your love & I can tell you are a good person because you are not badmouthing his father (although you have every right).
Innocent children should not have to suffer for our mistakes so, keep up the good work as you are doing a wonderful job. Focus all your energy onto yourself & the people closest to you, that’s all you can do for now. It’s a total train wreck but, it is survivable & even though your incredibly sad & disappointed about how it’s all turned out ,you will eventually put this behind you. You are getting help but, like me you may need something just to get you over the hump as you cannot do it all yourself & you cannot afford to hit rock bottom.
If you do only you & your children will suffer. Don’t let him break you down as you have come so far. You will beat this & sever the tie emotionally when your ready & able.
Unfortunately you have a child involved so, the Soc will always have a conduit to you 😦
Still you can take charge legally & have strict boundaries etc…If he sticks to your requests re visitation, support etc…you can stay in control of you 🙂
Make sure he doesn’t weaken you or try & manipulate you. Have it all done legally & professionally so that you know where you stand.
It’s a really shitty situation that your in but, the biggest shit is no longer in your bed so, breathe easy knowing that you are in control of you 😉
Be brave, you are a good Mum & person. Keep telling yourself you are worthy of much better 🙂
Stay in touch & don’t let the demons win!
Again thank you yesterday for your words of support. I feel your pain also and wish I could do something to heal each and everyone of us. It just seems so wrong that us good people who have a conscience and a heart are taken advantage of and kicked to the curb left so damaged and drained and left to pick up the pieces of our lives. I’m still very much reliving it all. I keep going back to the person he was when we met despite him telling me how horriblehe had been in his past but would always blame the other person saying they deserved it and how mental they was and how good he was at minimising his past behaviours. I was sooo hooked. So vulnerable. So desperate to finally be happy and I remember saying to my friends his everything and more as to what I would like in a partner. I honestly couldnt beleive my luck. I always felt good things don’t happen to me. But look at me. No one could wipe that smile of my face and happy is an understatement. I so miss the person he was. Yes the fake one. That hurts so much. When his masked had slipped he would often tell me that his fake, we are fake and the only real thing in all this was our child.
I only got familiar with these types of people and disorders after he done a personality test on his phone. Most showed up red with high next to them. I had never heard of narcissism before or some of the others so thats when my research began and I could not beleive my eyes. I quite ofywn shared my findings with him and he would agree it definately sounded like him, but hey, I’m the only one who thinks he has a problem an no one else has picked up on this in his past. He would then call me mental, mad and crazy and call me a psycho. He kept telling me “your losing it girl”. I would of course argue this and tell him I’m not until he left me in a state where I was actually left questioning my own sanity and belief system etc. He always called me a mug. You know what. As hard as it is for me to actually except that statement. I was a mug for allowing all this crazy stuff to happen to me and allowing him treat me as he was. I put up with sooooo much because I wanted our marriage to work and to be the family unit he promised me we would be.
I’m left still going through all the emotions possible. I so don’t want this to ruin the rest of my life. I’m desperate to move on but know I have a long road ahead and also understand that only I can make that happen. I wouldnt wish this experience on my own worst enemy. I literally allowed this vampire/monster to suck the life and soul out of me. Yes. I allowed him to do this all to me. Why. Coz i Ioved him with every part of me. He had saved me from my depression and moulded me into what he wanted me to be for him and brainwashed me. Grrrr. Its so sad and sick and it is absolutely driving me round the twist as to why cant I let go!!!! I dont want him back in our lives but that doesn’t make me happy. Does that make sense?
I hope you are having a good day in yourself and I so appreciate the support.
Hi SD,
No one gives permission to be hurt so, you are not to blame ;(
It is your ability to forgive & have compassion for your Soc that allowed him to hurt & manipulate you so terribly.
The Soc sets out to break your heart because they don’t have one & are jealous that we do 🙂
They just take,take,take & we just give,give,give till it hurts then give some more.
Our love of them made us venerable because that’s what love does!
A Sociopath uses this to obtain what they want, need & desire.
This is never our fault, we have been used & abused & taken for granted.
No one deserves a Sociopath experience but, alas we have had one.
Now we know & have to rebuild our lives & forgive ourselves for the blindness we had because a good heart doesn’t see the bad ;(
Stay Strong, focus your energy onto yourself & your healing.
Try not to keep him in your mind or heart as it only gives him power over you.
Break the cycle if you can & if you must have contact, prepare yourself beforehand so,that you can shore up your resolve to keep him out.
Once he realises he cannot manipulate or control you he will game you over & over, don’t let him as the ending is always the same ;(
Be kind to yourself as you would be to a child 😉
Love & happiness to you ;0)
PR x
I feel I have to take some of the blame at least because relationships takes two. I have beaten myself up with “well if I had just let him do xyz rather than put my feelings across about it then maybe it might of worked” but then I tell myself it would have ended the same way even I was to have said yes yes yes. He wanted the best of both worlds and for me personally that’s not exceptable when your married. He wanted everything for nothing and everything to go his way and in his favour. All I ever wanted was for him to truely love and respect me and to put our child and me first occasionally and to be a family. He was only ever happy when things were going his way and when I would put my foot down he would turn defensive and verbally abusive and use threatening words and behaviour just so I would change my mind which I did on many occassions in fear of losing him. The behaviours are almost like that of an infant when they cant get there own way. I have spent every penny on him as well as him getting me to take out a £5000 loan for a course promising he would pay me back. I never see a penny and have become blacklisted for the first time in my life. The debts been cleared now but has had a detrinental effect on me. His attitude was “its not my problem. If you think your gonna get any money of me than your more stupid than I thought. They cant take what you aint got and besides you have it covered now paying a pound a month” his had plenty of other money off me over the course of our relationship. Im one of these if you need it you can have it and he took and took. I paid for absolutely everything and at the time I never had a problem with it untill my little bit of money had all gone and he had started work. Resent fully psid the rent but what was left was his. I never asked him for anything. How bad is it thst im cutting coupons out of magazines just so I can afford a little shopping. Adding it up as I go around as not to overspend. So much for being supportive. It makes my blood boil. I am still today receiving his post as his not notified others of his change of address and most of these are all debt letters frim debts he ran up before we met and since we have split. It makes me sick. This is not in my eyes anyway him being a good roll model for our child. I have a jib and half to do my best to teach our lo morals and respect for others. Im going for cranualsacral therapy tomorrow to see if if helps me out a bit. I’m just so desperate to overcome this. I don’t wanna feel like this no more. Im still looking for the switch. Lol.
Hope you’ve had a good positive day in yourself xx
Hi SD, 🙂
I am really good 🙂 but, I sometimes slip back a bit but, then I remember that the person I cared for was an illusion & the one behind the mask is real. That makes it easier for me to separate my feelings so, that I can stay focused on my healing 😉
Unlike you I don’t have a child that ties me to my Soc so, it’s much harder for you.
Whilst we have both experienced Soc torture it’s very different & we each have our own story that we have to try & process & hopefully one day put well behind us 🙂
I think anything you do to help yourself recover is a good idea. I have found myself looking within rather than trying to figure out how or why my Soc behaves. I am resigned tot he fact that these people exist & don’t care who or how much they damage. it’s just a means to an end for them.
So on that note I am digging deep to understand myself & my motivations because, as you said it takes two but, I never approached my relationship with my Soc with an agenda as he did. 😦
I was extremely vulnerable when he came into my life after years (19) of abuse from my ex-husband so, like you I displayed PTSD which I never treated. I then went another 10 years down with the Soc playing games so, I have found it all rather exhausting.
I never did the healing the last time so, I will make sure I do it this time around as it’s been a hard awakening but, a lesson I obviously need!
I know that my self worth has undermined me so, yes I never really valued myself from a very young age for various reasons which I now know has set me up for a lifelong battle with abusive & very damaging people 😦
I turn 50 next week so, I am starting to rebuild myself & hopefully will be wiser, happier, healthier (mentally & physically) & that I can help others eventually through as well 🙂
I wish you continued good health & healing. 🙂
Be careful not to get too bogged down with finding the rhyme or reasons for what has happened especially as Soc’s are on these blogs also & get off on our stories….focus on the healing, share if your comfortable but, only if you feel some release from the burden.
Sometimes the sharing just reinforces it back onto you again & makes you feel worse?
Sometimes unloading helps which is fabulous. Distinguish between the two as you will then start to move forward in your healing.
You can purge all you like here but, just make sure it’s helping 😉 😉
Your doing a great job, just hang in there as time is the only healer & it doesn’t have a deadline. It’s taken a great deal of time & energy to get here & it’s going to do the same in reverse. Time & energy!
Take care of yourself & the rest will follow.
Love & strength to you 😉
PR xoxo
I have today had my therapy and you know what. I for the first time in a long long time feel at peace with myself and the thoughts have stopped racing through my mind. I feel rejuvenated and empowered and very distant to the pain confusion and upset I have been feeling right up to the point whete I got on the couch for my therapy to begin. I’m here in the present day now which for me is fantastic. One day at a time. Being loyal loving nurturing and kind to myself. Im still healing but it somehow feels I have been desensitised.
Its so exciting. I’ve actually laughed today which is a first for a ling time and it actually felt so good.
Have a great day?night, just checking in 🙂
BE HAPPY 🙂
PR xoxo
I am sooo pleased 🙂
I did Mindfulness Cognitive Behavioural Therapy & it really helped 🙂
I also went to the movies recently to see ‘The Heat’, really hilarious so, go if you haven’t already?
Keep Laughing, smiling & be happy.
Look how far we made it already 🙂
Thank you SD, you sound like you are feeling better 🙂
I am good & going to the gym 3 times a week & staying focused on healing.
I don’t find myself obsessing over the details of all the lies & motivations of my Soc as much anymore.
I realise that no amount of understanding will change the effect these awful people have on us & we can only get revenge by having a good life.
We owe it to ourselves to live our best life possible 🙂
Big Hugs back to you & your little one 🙂
Stay strong & happy 😉
PR xoxo
Its good your focusing on yourself and able to get to the gym. They say exercise is good for the body soul and mind. I’m restricted because of finances and the little one.
I’ve noticed since my therapy that I’m not looking and asking myself all the ifs buts and whys anymore and feel pretty numb towards him. I feel the emotional tie has been cut wgich is fantastic but I will saymI’m fretting a bit abput what happens next because there is still alot for me to deal with regarding the divorce and child contact issues and it is leaving me feeling quite anxious. Our child is a life long commitment and my concerns regarding any contact and the welfare and wellbeing of our lo is still very much of a concern to me and safety etc is paramount to me. The therapy hasn’t resolved them issues for me as they are and will be ongoing for years to come and something I cant control the outcome of apart from making sure all safety measures are put and kept in place.
Apart from that which is bad enough in itself I have definately benefited from that therapy regarding the inhumane I have been treated. Its always going to be there but like so many others here I am definately a survivor and taking one day at a time and your so right. They would hate to see us happy again and living a blissful life without them. We don’t NEED them as they made us beleive we did. They NEED us and a stable flow of supply just in order for them to breath. We are breathing freely and I don’t have anyone directly beside me or feeding me. I’m alone doing this for myself and by myself. Looking deep within me and nurturing, guiding, loving and careing for me.
It is an awful thing for anyone to have to go though but we are better people for it. It is sad though that families fall apart because of these vampires and marriages break down and poor innocent children are all caught up in it. Its not their fault and never asked for any of this but neither did we coz had we known what we were dealing with marriage and children would certainly not have been on the agenda.
Just glad I’m still around and not ten feet under. Who knows what would have happened if I had stuck around longer. xx
I am so pleased to hear you sounding a little less defeated 🙂
It’s a hard slog & for you even harder because of your child & pending divorce etc… 😦
Have a look at psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com it has some great articles on Soc’s etc…I found it helpful along with this blog 🙂
I am a single mother & have been doing it hard for many years as my ex husband has never been a good financial support. I maintain a relationship with him for the sake of my two children.
My daughter (20) did not speak t her father for 7 years & is only talking to him if the need arises at social gatherings etc…He see’s our son (15) regularly if he can but, my ex has problems & lives with a agoraphobic partner so, have invited more problems into his life 😦
My ex walked out 10 years ago with the receptionist in our business & we lost everything.
I lost my home, car, & my husband all at the same time & the business folded 😦
I had to relocate & start from scratch, which has been tough but, sink or swim & I’m a swimmer 🙂
I turn 50 on Monday so, am looking forward to a new beginning which I’ve already started because of my experience with the Soc that entered my life as my husband left it 😦
I wish I had never met the Soc as I would have done things differently but, no point looking back as I cannot change the past. 😦
I am finding the money to go to the gym as I really wanted to feel good & keep busy as the endorphin’s that exercise release is helpful, not to mention I feel better about myself 🙂
My Soc left me with a few health issues that I cannot disclose on here but, I have comes to terms with that also & am remaining healthy in the mind, body & the soul 🙂
I will do everything I can to rise above & I am very fortunate that I have a wonderful family & beautiful friends so, I am well supported in that regard 🙂
I want you to know that you will overcome this & I will support you anyway I can 🙂
I am only an email etc…away & I can tell you are a wonderful, caring, loving lady & you are going to get through all of this crap.
You owe it to yourself & your little one, you weren’t put on this earth to be treated badly & that is not your fault.
Believe in yourself, look deeply into why you accepted poor treatment ( I had to admit to myself that I didn’t love myself enough because of past abuse so, I kept taking the crap).
Not anymore though 🙂
We will get there but, it’s hard & bloody painful.
I know we can do it, we have survived so much.
Now we have to love ourselves enough to get better & heal fully & indeed have a peaceful,
blissful life & we will face whatever challenges that will still crop up to block our way!
Talk soon, be happy, smile because you have a friend on the other side of the world who cares what happens to you 🙂
You certainly have been through alot in your life and I really feel for you. To have lost all you did and have to pick up all the pieces of that with two childrenin tow also thats horrendous and then when you clearly was still very vulnerable your soc took advantage of that and sucked you in.
You are a very strong woman to have pulled yourself through all this all be it an ongoing journey of your own recovery.
Turning 50 and birthday on monday. Oh congratulations. I do hope you have something special in mind to celebrate this. Something for you. You certainly have come a very long way and you are an inspiration to me and no doubt many others.
Why have I picked up with such men?? My childhood was full of love and kindness. I was nurtured and supported so why all this shit in my adult life. I do know that within myself I have never really truly loved myself and I have always put others before myself. As my ex always used to say to me. “Your toooo nice” sorry I can’t help that. Id rather be nice and kind than a heartless bitch but having said that where has it got me. Ive excepted this kind of behaviour from my own husband but would have walked away a long time ago had this been a so called friend. Where’s the logic in that. I’ve alwsys under valued my self worth and made many sacrafices for others at a dear price to myself. This has taught me a lesson and that is I do need to give myself more credit. Value myself and worth and learn to love me and care about me as I have always cared for others more. I’d like to think this will make me a stronger person. I’ve never been strong and have surprised myself that I’ve managed to come this far. I’ve always been anything for an easy life but have sacraficed my own true happiness in the process.
Love can be so cruel. I can honestly say despite the way my husband treated me I loved him with every part of me. I put up with alot. Tolerated far too much because I loved him with all my heart and held on to that bit of hope that just maybe one day he would wake up and be the man I intially fell in love with. What a shocker when things just get worse and worse and finally because of the way he was I had to say NO MORE. He wanted out as soon as our lo was born. I feel id served my purpose but it took me to actually get him out coz he threatened it all the time but never followed it through. That’s obe of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Let someone you love go because its in your best interest and for your own safety.
Again thank you for your support. Means alot. I hope you have had a positive day. Take care and big hugs. xx
You are incredibly strong to have realised that you had to let go of the person you loved in order to save yourself…WOW…don’t ever underestimate the depth of power that this act alone took!
Your amazing really 🙂
I got the your too nice line also, from both my ex husband & my Soc as if it was a fault???
Like you I don’t see niceness or kindness as a fault but, rather a strength 🙂
I was told by my Grandfather that “some people see kindness as weakness & will use it against you”, wise words that have haunted me for many years.
I am lucky that my really true allies don’t use it against me but, obviously our enemies do & have!
I am looking forward to turning the big 50 & looking at it as a turning point which I intend to make the most of 🙂
I have a wonderful group of friends so, Tomorrow am off out to a life coaching seminar that a girlfriend has arranged.
On Fri some other girlfriends have arranged a get together (I said I didn’t expect anything) but, they insist. Sunday am off to stay in the city, (Melbourne where I live) in a plush hotel with my best friend my MUm.
Then off to a High Tea. Then after that off to see King Kong a stage production with a massive animaltronic Gorilla….then back to the hotel for dinner with my gorgeous daughter & then more friends on Monday.
Then out again later in the week with other friends….then lunch with my oldest girlfriends from school next Sunday the 11th (phew).
I am incredibly blessed with the most amazing friends & family so, I may not have great luck with men but, what I lack there I make up for tenfold with friends. 🙂
I want you to remember that you will always find a friend when you need one here 🙂
& I hope you have gathered yours where you are,around you at this time?
Keep being strong, you truly have come a long way 🙂
We have & will move through this I promise you that 🙂
Love to you & Big Hugs for the LO 🙂
xoxo
Happy Birthday PR. Hope you have a lovely day. Big hugs. xx
I had an amazing birthday & am now really inspired to put the past behind me once & for all.
This birthday was a watershed mark for me so, I intend to take the lesson’s I’ve learned, especially from my Soc & create a better, more positive life 🙂
Wish me luck as I wish it for you also.
I hope you are feeling stronger & healthier every day.
This type of abuse can be very damaging but, we owe it to ourselves & our loved ones to rise above it. It is survivable & we can do it 😉
I have two very dear friends battling life threatening conditions so, I need to appreciate just how lucky I really am.
Our Soc’s came into our lives to lead us to a higher path & I for one am determined to find me because,like you I’m worth the fight 🙂
Please let me know how you are travelling & if I can help you somehow?
Stay in touch.
Big hugs to you & the LO 😉
xoxo
Hi SD,
Just checking to see how your traveling 🙂
I hope your well & strong 🙂
Be Happy xoxo
PR 🙂
First of all; why the fuck did you stay with him for so long. You knew he was bullshitting, why the fuck believe him when he says he’s sorry? And anyway, you’re lucky he wasn’t a smart one. Though, I think he was a psychopath, not a sociopath.
I’m schizoid, witch is real close to sociopathy, and I’ve never caused harm to anyone. (Okay, maybe axcept for my mother and the people I dislike). I just don’t feel emotions.
Not all sociopaths are evil. There are many subtypes of sociopaths (about 10), and only one (the sadistic type), really enjoys harming people. And your guy wasn’t that type. Sociopaths view people as objects. Not as something they want to harm, but as something they want to use.
I, for example, rarely feel guilt or remorse (that’s why I’m schizoid and not a sociopath, I /do/ feel emotions when I chose to), even when my grandfather died, i felt nothing. My best friend was in trouble (and I know her for my entire life), and i didn’t care. I didn’t feel any sympathy. But i lestened to her and helped her. Does that make me a bad person? Nope.
Also, reading your story, i felt no sympathy or empathy. I enjoyed it, tbh. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t because what happened to you made me happy; I don’t care. But a good story is a good story.
If you weren’t so.. acceptable of his behavor, nothing would have happened. He did what he did, you did what you did. It’s both your fault. You have a brain, you have logic, use it. Don’t count on feelings, they will lead you nowhere. And that’s a friendly advise from a schizoid woman 😉
No, he wasn’t sadistic. The one before him was though. I didn’t write it for sympathy or empathy. I wrote it as people asked me to?! For a long time there was no story.
What brought you to this site? Have you been dating a sociopath?
I was.. Bored. It’s 3.00am where I am, there’s not much to do that late. And no, I haven’t, though I do have some “friends” sociopaths.
Three years ago I was happy, confident, successful, making six figures…and too trusting after coming out of an engagement. I remember agreeing to a date with my ex-SP after meeting him online and thinking “He’s not that cute but by his profile he seems really funny and like a good guy”. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!!!! He knew all the right things to say…and I can only say this looking back now. He was a charmer and I remember leaving the date thinking “Fate sent me what I have been looking for my whole life”. On the second date we ended up at the casino after dinner (SP’s are likely to gamble and be promiscuous) and I would continue to see a person who both power and money hungry though he continued to lose more money than he would win. And the sex…I thought it at the time to be SO amazing because he wanted it all the time and it made me feel so wanted and attractive but looking back it lacked intimacy as he rarely kissed me and it was “super quick”. About two months in the controlling behaviors began and at first I thought it was because he cared. But slowly he turned me against my boss, my co-workers, my family and friends. The mind games started slowly too…he would make a promise and then fail to keep it. He would tell me about clients of his that liked him and had these huge crushes on them. How he was going to marry me and start a family. In 3 months of dating he had me hooked and I thought I was going to marry him. I took him on vacation for his birthday and invited him over to my parents and they loved him immediately as he said all the right things. Had them laughing and acted like a total gentlemen. And then that mask started to fade as he became bored with the newness of the relationship.
Then the abuse and lies began. One minute I was beautiful the next I was being humiliated in public as I needed a tummy tuck and a boob job. Never being jealous, he started bringing up other girls, including one whose brother owned a business. And he started making me jealous intentionally and breaking promises and then telling me I was crazy when I brought it up. And I did start feeling like I was crazy and I now realized he was never able to empathize with things I would bring up regarding his behavior. He would just walk away or ignore it. He started telling me things his friends would say about me as enjoyed pinning people against one another. Power and money were his thing- don’t you know who this friend is “first and last name” and this client has X amount in the bank. He’d use my credit cards when we went out and he’d promise to be home at night only to be at the casino until 4:30 in the morning. Going to strip clubs with clients. He turned me against my dad and I believed what he said. He started telling me I was worthless, that no one would want to marry me and that I was crazy and jealous. And please note I am only at he tip of the iceberg when discussing all of this; there is so much stuff that happened I could write a book on it. Anyways I was an object to him…his words continued to become more vicious and I found him raising a hand to slap me in an argument and then grabbing my arm. Those cold eyes- so sinister and so void of any feeling.
I didn’t know it at the time but he had all these other girls on the side. During the course of the abuse I had began drinking to ease the anxiety. After a year he threw me out like a piece of trash. No remorse and no guilt and no explanation; and I believed it was all my fault. Like I was nothing and had served my purpose. But not before having me settle my credit cards and ruining my credit as he assured me the companies would settle (again lies and deception) after having run them up. I was beyond devastated, my heart broken into a million tiny pieces. I felt as if my world had ended. Believing I had a problem I ended up in rehab only to be discharged two days later. And I had to leave my job because he had put someone who worked for him up to slandering my character to my boss. And that client of his who was so wealthy; he was now dating his sister. I loved him and remember feeling like my whole world had shattered. All my confidence was gone and I believed he was the best I could get. And I kept crying and telling people how much I wanted him back and that I loved him and now one else ever could. I was in such denial about the whole thing that it took me year after the relationship ended to admit there was some abuse and now, another year later I am coming to terms with his SP because he did come back and played with my head again; this time pinning me against this girl, telling me how she couldn’t have kids and slandering her left and right and when I brought up the whole money thing- oh yes see he know holds a position of authority at her brother’s business hence MONEY AND POWER- he didn’t say ONE SINGLE WORD. And he’s still with her though they break up all the time and he has “all these girls that want him” and that she has changed him. Well I made a mistake and slept with him a few months back and this time I saw through the callousness. He hadn’t changed ONE BIT and he never will. And I am only know coming to understand that.
Today I am now starting to deal with the pain and find myself in anger as I wasted two years after the relationship ended going back and forth-it’s a game to them and they prey until they win and then destroy or prey until they ruin. A SP is never done with us…that’s why CUTTING OFF CONTACT COMPLETELY IS CRUCIAL. I finally blocked his number and his texts through my phone carrier because I need my sanity. He ruined me emotionally and financially as I found myself crying this evening worried that my next employer will deny me employment because of my credit. I feel like getting back on track work wise is the next right step but now I have fears. Fears that I never had before. And I am not at all confident and question every single person. I have very little trust. I have bad credit. I have very little money. I question whether anyone will marry me or have a child with me because of my credit. All because I fell in love with an SP…and while I believe I can rebuild I desperately miss the person I once was and am just now beginning to find her again little by little.
I am sorry if this post was too long but I feel like I can be accepted here…and I am sharing my story in hopes that I can save someone else so full of life the havoc that I, once so full of life have experience.
The only thing that bothers me about this site is the constant use of “HE” as if sociopaths are all men! I have been abused by female sociopaths who were liars, manipulators and general abusers. I am sorry that the assumption is that only men are sociopaths. There is so little information printed to help men who have come into contact with these animals. Sadly I have never known a good woman. All of them have been liars and generally follow the same pattern you have outlined on your website. It’s very upsetting to me read some of the material on this site. I end up feeling angry with a desire to get revenge on those animals who hurt me. It really hurts but unlike women, a man has next to no one to talk to about these kinds of experiences. It’s too bad most online ‘self help’ articles are directed to help support women. This also infuriates me. The world is not so one sided. but perhaps if people were properly educated on the fact that women can be criminals and abusers too. Perhaps people may be able to better protect themselves from this monsters.
There is one who continues to write me. She claims that i am ‘stalking her’ despite the fact that I do not write, call or anything. She is crazy. I have kept to the no contact rule. It is almost as if she is trying to suck me back in my trying to provoke me to reply so she can use my response to validate her claim that I am stalking her. Since the laws are written for women in this country. She could very well have a plan to harm me and reputation through more lies. I had another woman try this with me. She claimed that I called her and tried to communicate with her friends. This was a blatant lie. When I responded to her I explained that I made no effort to contact her friends and I told her to leave me alone. I do not think she expected me to write that. It threw a wrench in her plan to try and discredit and vilify me in other people’s eyes. These sociopaths are masters of tricks. I have also noticed that many feel a general sense of superiority. These women I was with used sob stories to make me feel sorry for them. Often the stories revolved around abusive boyfriends. But in the end they would declare that I was no better. Everything would be okay until the day I’d actually show some level of aptitude for anything or would have an opinion. Then I would become the ‘bad’ man. It was always the same story. When I’d leave these women then come the hateful emails, the texts. The comments about how worthless I am. How I am not just worthless to them but how I am worthless to other women too. They always would go the extra mile to try and make me feel as badly as possible. I put up the the stupid guy stuff. I was always the dumb one, the loser, lazy, poor . etc. They would make so many judgements. Everyman in the world is better than me. no matter how low he may be. They are still better. I can’t tell you how hurt I became. I still struggle with sad feelings after being abused by these animals for so long. I have been used financially, emotionally. I I really cared and gave a lot of myself to these women. The women go about being very provocative. Always taking photos of themselves in sexy clothes and showing off their bodies. Each one of them has tried to show me how sexy they are and how much power they have over men. It is just all so crazy. However because I have never met a good woman. My perception of women has been damaged. Perhaps forever. I do not trust women at all. I have a hard time seeing them as human beings with the same emotions as men. I often see women as uncaring, emotionless creatures. I see them as things that are motivated by money and status. I do not believe that women really care about men. I struggle every day with these feelings. I have been hurt very deeply and unlike women I have no one to talk to. There is no support. People just laugh and blame me for getting involved with these women. That hurts a lot also. I want to get to a point where I see woman as living beings. But right now it is very difficult for me. I guess the walls are so high, so strong can’t get my mind to change. Its a side affect of being hurt for so long. When I see a woman I just see another liar, another abuser. A woman would have to be pretty genuine to convince me that she is not like all of the others. But most women are not going to prove to men that they are okay. In this society since men are perceived as bad by default. men often have t otry and convince women that they are okay. The woman doesnt have to do anything except sit and judge. This is what allows female sociopaths to get away wit htheir crimes. I hate them. I hate them all.
i need to get my story out. Maybe it will relieve some of the pain I’m going thru. I need to build a support group in a serious way.
First of all, I’m learning that I was a prime candidate for a psychopathic person to select. I come from a very dysfunctional family and 90% of the time my parents were disowning me for some reason or another. They were very physically and verbally/emotionally abusive. In fact, at the time I met my ex I was estranged from the family, although he didn’t know until after we got together.
He moved in about a month after we got together. We were both reeling, head over heels, and knew we were perfect for each other. We discussed getting married, and figured at our age, length of time made no difference, we both were old enough to know what we wanted. He was 49 and I was 46 at the time.
He was so affectionate. So kind. So loving. He had my back in all things. I was even in my last semester of my MBA program and he encouraged me along the way.
About a month after he moved in I went out of town to see my daughter for 5 days. He and I were constantly texting and “missing” each other. But the weekend after I got back we took a road trip to take him to his new job. He was a truck driver at the time and needed to pick up his semi. On the way my family started calling and freaking out bc his ex gf had been contacting them and saying he was dangerous and violent. Some of her stories were hard to believe ie, he broke her ribs, told her he would take her mixed breed adopted “nigger” child and hang him like a piñata.
Anyway he sat there beside me with a look of pure shock and amazement that his ex gf would be “stalking him and trying to ruin his life”. He was so emotional and thanking me for being the only person who has ever trusted him and had faith in him. He simply loved the fact that I had a compassionate caring heart and seeking God.
A few months later my daughter was in town over her birthday, July 4th. We decided to have a cookout and invite the family. My parents had allowed me back into the fold upon hearing he existed-probably out of shear nosiness. But we had the family over anyway.
My daughter asked if her dad could stop by for a few minutes to see our only grandchild who was 1yr at the time. We told her it was fine. But when he arrived my boyfriend stayed outside by the grill. My ex husband went out to introduce himself and left within ten minutes. When he left my bf was a total jealous raging lunatic! He stormed out of the house. Called a cab to take him 30 miles to stay in his semi. He literally broke up w me and left me humiliated and broken hearted. I was stupid enough to beg and plead in the front yard telling him nothing was going on w me and my ex but he refused to listen. I was crushed.
The next day he called and wanted to talk. I had found he had been online since he first moved in and was looking for women in other cities that he drove to. He told me he did that in the beginning in case he and u didn’t work out. We talked things thru n he came back home. Only when he went out in the road for that week he hardly answered his phone anymore. Then a month later he tells me that he’s been talking to someone else! We both cried over the phone and he wanted me to come meet him at the truck stop so we could talk. He professed he wanted me and truly loved me more than anything if I would only trust him again. So he came home for the weekend like usual.
A few weeks later I had a strange feeling in my stomach the Monday I dropped him off at his truck. I looked at the phone records and noticed he was still talking and texting somebody. I called a number. There were many but God gave me the right one to call. The girl answered an I found out that the moment I dropped him off that morning she had picked him up and brought him to her house!
I confronted him and he confessed he made a huge mistake. He said he knew when he got to her place that something was wrong and he shouldn’t be there. Almost like a spiritual influence was making him sick. And his dispatch called needing him right away so he had her take him back to his truck within the first 5 min. Once again I believed he learned his lesson
and hung in there.
I would add that all this time his ex gf was stalking and harassing us and my family. He would never change his number. He just kept arguing like it was fun. I’ve seen him get drunk and fall apart hitting rock bottom. But I guess it was all fake. I’ve seen him cry like he had an emotional spiritual experience while with me. But that was probably all fake too.
It wasn’t too long after this girl that I found more numbers on the phone bill. I called one again. This time it was a man. Long story short this guy was texting while my bf was on the road. He told me my bf was gay. I couldn’t believe it!! OMG!!! I could NOT believe that one.
I decided to do some research and called his sister who lived outta state. She asked me if he was taking his meds. I was shocked bc he had no meds. I was informed that he supposedly had a bipolar condition. When I confronted him about this he told me that he was truly the definition of crazy and had an antisocial personality. He told me that simply meant that he withdrew and isolated from people for about 4-5 days and most women in his past could not deal with that. He explained how he had a hard time trusting women b/c they had all cheated on him, etc. I never looked up the term antisocial so I did not know it meant he was diagnosed as a socio/psychopath. It makes sense though b/c he was always telling me things like, “you don’t know me”, and he would jokingly tell me to “straighten up” as if I was this bad person always doing something wrong. One of the times he left he said it was b/c I left a spot around the shower when I cleaned. He expected me to always have a manicure and pedicure, and highlight my long hair. It was as if he was trying to make himself into this upper class. Not that I’m a low life, but I am a tomboy at heart. I do have my nails and hair done when I can afford it, but not weekly! He was very OCD with things around the house, and with all the insults and comments he constantly made me feel like I was this white trashy ghetto person. He would never “explain” what was wrong with me, just told me if I couldn’t figure it out, then he couldn’t help me.
But back to the story….my cousin by marriage happened to call me and my bf got extremely jealous saying he wanted in my pants. His excuse was that we were not blood related. Then one night we went out with my sister and brother in law to meet up with my cousin and my bf got too drunk. He would drink 9-10 beers if he drank one b/c he couldn’t stop. That night he probably had at least 12 or more. He saw my cousin talking to me and went crazy! He started this huge fight and we headed home. My sister, brother in law and niece followed. They saw him try to jump out of the car, he grabbed the steering wheel into oncoming traffic and tried to veer the car off the highway. When we got home he took out walking to his truck and slept there overnight.
Needless to say my sister and others told my parents and the next day everyone was against him. They started digging into his past and contacted the girl who had been harassing us. I don’t know what proof or what was said b/c nobody ever provided anything, but they disowned me again that day b/c we didn’t break up.
Each time he came home he was more loving and caring than the time before, and he always cried and said, “you know I always love you.” He would hug me and hold me like he was afraid to let me go. But over the next several weeks the family issues were an excuse for him to belittle everyone and have me stay away permanately. But we got into a huge fight again a month later and I was headed to a group counseling session to see if I could figure things out. He had called a friend and basically scared everyone into thinking I was trying to kill myself, just b/c he knew I was hurt and upset. I stopped by my house on my way to my group session and my mom, sister and niece were there. I didn’t know what was going on at the time. All I know is I was disowned so I wondered why they were there. When I stepped out of the car my niece came up and punched me in the face several times. My glasses flew out into the street and my sister had to pull her away. I wasn’t about to hit a 20 yr old and go to jail for it. But my mom called the police and she and my niece told them I was schizophrenic and trying to kill myself. The ambulence came and my blood pressure was like 224 over 180 or something crazy like that. It was in stroke range.
My niece had ripped her shirt open before they got there so with so many people against me, the younger cop handcuffed me and put me in the back of his car. My family laughed as he walked me passed their vehicles. He took me to a mental hospital where I was signed in by the police and treated as a criminal for 3 days and nights. I had no visitors, no calls. I called my bf every chance I got. He was still on the road and assured me he would get me home and we would be okay. I had 2 friends come pick me up the day I got out, and on the way home they pulled over to tell me that he had moved out the night before. They didn’t want me coming home to an empty house after all I had been through. They also had to tell me my beloved dogs were gone. But we found them at the city pound.
Anyway, he had moved out, went to a Motel 6. The next day his truck was dead and he called me. He told me where he was and I went to help, b/c he didn’t know anybody else in Texas at the time. When he saw me he broke down crying and the hugging began again. He didn’t want to lose me and wanted to come home. I was mentally distraught after what my mother had done to me and I knew he was all I had. He felt like the problem was his being on the road and that was making him lonely, so we went and cleaned out his semi that day and he quit his job. He found another right away as a store manager.
But when he came home, he left yet AGAIN. In face we were remodeling the bathrooms and he went to Home Depot. I found apartment information where he had been planning to move out any day. I didn’t understand this b/c he had just come back! Since he was caught again, he left to a different Motel 6 and stayed until he moved into a furnished weekly apt. He stayed gone and silent for 2 weeks, then once again begged to come home.
I know I’m stupid in allowing him so many chances. Truth of it is, I know how weak I was after what my family had done. He took advantage of that. And, I did love him. He was very manipulative and convincing. But he came back again and stayed for about 3 more months, then moved into a 6 month apt. I thought that was the end of things, but I was angry by this time. I contacted the ex gf who had been talking to my family and she showed me his profile on a gay website in Indiana. I was able to sign into his email accounts still and found his new address. Of course we fought when I found him. But worse than that, I found he had profiles on transsexual sites and other adult sex only sites as well. I even saw a profile where he posted a naked picture of himself from his new apartment!!!
I was so violently sick. I threw up over and over!!! And of course this angered me even more so I took copies to the store where he was manager and left them in the hands of his assistant telling her he left a few things at the house when he moved out. I know it was wrong, but I sure felt vindicated for a moment! He was humiliated and never went back to that store. He turned his keys in to another location. Then he played on my good heart and made me feel guilty b/c he had no income and couldn’t pay his bills. So, like an idiot, I helped him stay afloat. This was around the summer months of 2012. And because of his hardship we never actually stopped seeing each other while he was in that apartment. In fact, my dad died that August, of which I missed the last 6 months of his life due to my mom. My bf was somewhat support when he died, but I never really got to grieve b/c I was too busy trying to help him find a job. He moved back to the house in August/September and his lease was to be up at the end of November. 2 weeks before it ended, he disappeared again! Then he made the excuse he got cold feet and wanted me to help him move the rest of his things back to the house.
We finished moving his stuff in on November 30 and on December 1 he had a massive heart attack. It was the kind where most people do not survive, and technically if it wasn’t for me, he would not still be here. Through all of that he told the hospital I was his wife. From that point until now (2 weeks ago, July 19, 2013) he was the perfect boyfriend. I never saw him online, although I secretly checked. He could have been, but I just never found it. He had a new job and was doing quite well. We were building our lives together. We bought appliances, a pool, installed a new water heater and other major purchases. He worked on the yard and lived like a true family man. But he started smoking pot after hiring this hooch for his store. She was married for 21 years, but she chased my bf from day 1. He and I always talked about it too. He knew she was chasing him. He eventually fell for it and apparently they had some sort of affair for a while – although neither admits to sleeping together. In fact, she called me begging for forgiveness b/c she wanted her husband back and she would go before her church confessing what had happened but also assuring everyone that she did not sleep with him. But the damage was done, b/c this time he had moved out for her a mere 2 days before she wanted her husband back.
So here I am, today, alone, angry, hurt, confused, etc. I’ve been turned into the cops for so-called harassment just b/c I called to ask what the heck was going on. In fact, the cop called me and I told him how I came home on a Friday night and the house was empty. How I didn’t even know where he moved to, and he has changed his number. It didn’t matter that they do drugs at the store or violate policy for seeing his employee. I was fortunate that the cop dropped the complaint. But I know my bf only used the cops as a fear tactic b/c of what my mom had done in the past. Anyway, I admit right now I am probably a sick person b/c I miss him so bad. I read all this and remember all he’s done and I think, How Could I Keep Taking This? I’m smarter than this!! But my heart keeps breaking and I don’t understand that. I try to logically think the reason is b/c I never had love from my parents/family and now they even have my daughter not speaking to me so I literally have nobody in my life other than my bf, or ex bf.
I cry every day and I’ve seen him on dating sites looking for someone to replace me. It hurts like hell. Some days I’m better than others b/c I think he will never be human and if I take him back it will only get worse. But then I’m upset b/c he is using the deliberate silence method to keep me hurting and it makes me feel so much more unwanted; especially since my family have tossed me aside too. Sometimes I’m strong enough to think I deserve better. Then other times I need to email him and beg him to work this out; it’s like my heart/head seems to forget he’s a psychopath and nothing will ever be real. It feels like a dream and I keep hoping he does have feelings and emotions since I can remember seeing glimpses of a real person in him.
All I know is I cannot feel anything at this point in time. I have nobody and there are times I can’t even breath it hurts so bad. Other times I want to smash his face in b/c he makes me sick!! There are other things he has put me through, but by now you are all probably tired of reading this and thinking I must be crazy for allowing him to do this to me. Well you know what? You’re right! I was crazy for allowing it! He’s a master manipulator and he definitely has a hold on me. I can only pray for spiritual ties with him to be broken. And I know only God can heal me from this. Yet, I still wish he would hurt as bad as I do, but then if I wish that upon him that makes me as evil as he is, and I never want to become like him.
Some of the awful things he said to me were the usually name so Pig, Nasty, Skank, the C word, etc. He even told me one time to buy a gun and take a video of me blowing my brains out so he could see it. He said I take up too much oxygen and shouldn’t be allowed to live since my own family and daughter don’t want me. He can be very vicicious. I will confess that the worse thing I did was take those copies to his store, and I also emailed them out to his family. Of course that just made me the most evil person on the planet b/c he tends to forget what all he did to me that pushed me over the edge for that kind of revenge. Sad thing is, I’m not a revengeful person. I fully believe God is the avenger and I should leave everything alone, but he makes me so darn angry and I hurt so much I seem to turn into this tormented person who wants to make him hurt too. Thankfully, there’s been NC for about 10 days now and my head can settle a little bit. If not for my job I think I would go crazy, pack up and disappear. But seriously, at this point I don’t know if I will ever be the same, or how I feel. The abuse from family is bad enough and the hurt from my daughter as well…now I find the past 3 years were all fake?!!!!! I don’t know how I will recover from all this….although I do have a counselor who has used EMDR and for family stuff it helped. I just still struggle with my child and my psychopath.
What a nightmare you have been through & SURVIVED!!!
Yes YOU have Survived!!! You should be proud of yourself for overcoming sooo much & you are still standing 🙂
You are an incredible person to have endured so much & you OWE it to yourself to fight/crawl etc…back Please 🙂
Please, Please start loving yourself as this is what you must now do 🙂
You will find it hard but, it is worth the effort, YOU ARE WORTH YOUR EFFORT 🙂
We are hear & will help you but, as we all know only you can DO THIS 🙂
It’s a mammoth task & you must find all the positive support that you can garner.
Don’t worry about repairing your relationships until you are repairing yourself.
Then you will be strong enough to perhaps mend some bridges.
You must have No Contact as you will eventually be drawn back into the dark world once again & you don’t belong there 😦
Start small but, start today & do one thing for yourself.
Wrap your arms around yourself & hold tight, love yourself 🙂
We are thinking of you & sending you positive energy & light 😉
It’s damn hard but, believe in yourself, YOU CAN DO THIS 🙂
Thanks PR. It’s been really hard. I agree w Doreen on how people don’t understand that our P have basically brainwashed and manipulates us into being this way. I know what’s best for me but I still long for him to come home and we have our normal life. Feels odd that he will never be in my life again. Feels more odd that I kissed him before going to work that day and came home he was gone. Hidden out from me and totally cut me off. I guess it’s better that I don’t know where he is. I wanted to go to his store today so bad but I fought thru the urge and stayed away. I want to move on but I’m so dead inside I feel like I will never feel like this w anybody else ever again. BTW what is triangulation?
Torture by Triangulation was an article I posted & you’ll find it on the Share your story with my symbol…I put it on the wrong section opps!
“The root of suffering is attachment” Quote from Buddha 🙂
You are worthy,intelligent,beautiful,deserving,compassionate,brave,inspiring,true,able…
We will keep telling you this until you believe it for yourself 🙂
Stay Strong 🙂
You are not alone, no matter what you choose to do 🙂
Yep you nailed it!
Have a look at psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com it may help you more?
Then once you get your head around all that’s happened….start the healing process.
Put your Soc in the Past, he belongs there & he cannot hurt you today or in the future.
The past is there for a reason, it’s behind you not ahead 🙂
PR I think I’m the sick one bc I keep waiting and almost hoping for the day he will call or try to come back again. I wanna be able to tell him HELL NO but yet I feel somewhat insecure and worthless if he doesn’t try. I know it would be fake. I know that! But I just wanna hurt him by telling him NO! Goodness I make no sense anymore 😦
Don’t be ashamed, everyone of us have waited…until one day we gain the strenght to be brave and at last are able to open our fingers and let it go. .You will be all right, remember one step a day is a step farther away of the abuse, of the lying of these “Pinnochios”.
Ty nminsanity. I’ve been holding on the past few weeks but these last 3 days have been hell. I almost called him today. Hung up before dialing the last number. All I do is cry wondering stupid things like does he really not remember or care. I tell myself he’s mentally ill so he can’t care. But he acts so happy online ready to move on so easy. I cannot grasp this. People tell me just let it go and move on. Well damn it! Do they think I WANT to feel this way? Do they think I don’t want to move forward? Geez. I am invited to meet someone for coffee this wknd and I don’t even have the desire to go and enjoy myself. I just wanna wake up and have this all behind me someday.
Hey well done you for NOT calling. Tomorrow will be another day. See this like an addiction it wont always be this difficult or this painful. It can and WILL get better…. keep going. If you dont want to meet someone for coffee… well your lesson has been about learning to trust yourself, if it doesn’t feel right right now, don’t do it. Have some chill out time for yourself. You will have this behind you one day. Really you will 🙂
Love is a drug & like most drugs it’s a hard habit to break 😦
Remember this is not a normal relationship, normal people don’t do this.
You should not feel pain in a healthy relationship.
You should not be gamed, lied to or manipulated ever!
Until you realize you deserve better you will go around the same cycle until???
Stop looking at the Love & start focusing on the pain & humiliation this guy has caused you.
Write it down, then look in the mirror & see you & your inner child.
Take that child & her innocence & wrap her lovingly in your arms & them place her back into
your heart & protect her 🙂
Then give her the life she deserves & she’s entitled too no matter what.
I know UR right PR. I just have a double whammy w silence from him and my daughter/family. I don’t want contact w my mom. She a narcissist maybe even a P herself. And my sister is definitely an S. but my daughter was told I have multiple personalities and she lives Across country from me so she doesn’t know what’s going on. He knew I would have nobody. And having nobody is what hurts.
Don’t be hard on yourself it’s normal after such grief & trauma 😦
This is what the Soc’s disordered mind does & they leave a trail of devastation like a cyclone in your mind not to mention your heart 😦
You need to rest, you need to keep busy & most of all you need to breath deeply 🙂
Hang in there, each day gets easier, you will see-saw up & down but, time does make a difference.
It’s a long way into Hell & it takes time to find your way back to you 😉
You will be Okay, just believe & remember how much you have overcome up to this point in your life. Your a Survivor,proof is in the mirror, have a good hard look & a survivor is looking back 🙂
You have YOU 🙂
& you have me here….I am in Australia though so, too far to come for a cup of tea 🙂
I am at work it’s 1pm here & i am juggling & emailing etc…multitasking.
Do you work?
can you ring a help-line or some-one to talk to?
Be patient & kind with yourself 🙂
Do not drink alcohol as it is a depressant ( you know that I’m sure).
Go watch something on TV mind numbing or write your feelings down on paper then burn them or keep them whatever helps.
Have a warm bath? relaxing music, oils etc…something to treat yourself.
Eat Chocolate 🙂
Be happy 🙂 🙂 I love Pinterest & spend many a hour looking at pretty pics & creating my own boards…I love it 🙂
I have an affirmation board, a sociopath board, funnies board, dream board etc…go have a look I think you’ll like it…create your own 🙂
Hello PR. Sorry not got back to you got alot going on at the moment. Im so glad you enjoyed your birthday. I’ve had a few blips this week but its only normal considering what I’m now faced with (its going to court) but I have today risen above it and put myself back on track. I have to keep reminding myself to trust and beleive in myself and know im doing the right thing by our lo and protecting them. What will be will be. Its out of my hands now. I’ve been dragging myself down all week with whats to come but I’m good now 🙂 Hope you have had a positive week in yourself. x
Hi SD 🙂
I just wrote a reply & it disappeared so, I will try again?
You are doing so well & I’m proud of you as your LO will be also 🙂
I keep hearing the song ‘You are not alone, I am here with you, though your far away, I am here to stay’….I am here & you are never alone 🙂
It’s been bloody hard & you have started moving through this & I see your now helping others which is another sign of recovery 🙂
This site has been a wonderful support to us all (thank you Pos 😉
We have found solace in each other through our journey out of the Soc Hell!
Remember that we can love the unlovable so, we are amazing people.
What kind of world would it be without Empathy or Love etc…who would care for the sick/damaged souls.
The Soc’s will eventually grow old & tired & someone will have to take care of them? Let’s hope it’s another Soc 🙂
Be strong as I know you are 🙂
Write ‘I Love Me’ on the palm of your hand & when you go to court etc…read it
& feel all the love around from me 🙂
Thinking of you, I am going well 🙂 😉
I am considering going on TV with my story? It was meant to be filmed yesterday but,was postponed due to the film crew being required elsewhere.
I think that was divine intervention? I am stronger everyday & happy to help others escape/avoid & become aware of the Sociopath. If I can save one person all of this I will be happy 🙂 🙂 🙂
Love to you & LO 🙂 xoxo
i dated a sociopath at the age of eighteen years old. I met it when i was 4 monthsegnat. He told me that he had a lot of money and that he would take care of me and my kid. I was so naive and i believe everything this loser said. I moved in with him , at eight months he punched me for no reasaon’ and when i thrweated to call the police he threated that i would be homless with my baby and that, if he went to jaihe couldent take care of me. Two weeks after i had the baby he beat me and when the police arrived he turned the story around and, told lies about me that i was crazy and he thinks i used drugs because i stabbed him. He pulled a pocket knife from his pocket and cut his hand and, lied to them and said i did it , i pleaded with the police and even made atrtempts to show them my brusises , but they hauled me in the police car to jail, and left my 2week old kid with him.e than told the court it was a accident they let me go and , when i came home he brought the baby all these expensive clothes , and took me out to eat. He got a domestic voilence home and would have other woman there, he also would have some of my family memeberws come there and have sex with them too. Later the cps workers came and took the baby , he told the court i was crazy once more and used drugs and they placed the baby with his side of the family , i tried telling the police and my domestic voilence teacher but they believe him and looked at me like i was crazy. The cps worker ordered me a retraining order and to stay 100 yards from the home The soicopath than moved state and left me to be homlesss in richmond Ca. i dont have no access to my child or anything i dont know if he payed the law to do this to me or he was just a very convincing person. However i date a christan now and he is very hot and we have a new baby but i still miss my first child.
Holy Crap! The way he responded to your blog posts – well, my ex-bf writes in EXACTLY the same way – it is very manic, run on sentences, the excessive use of LOL – just bizarre, bizarre stuff. I thought he was just an awful writer, but I swear it could have been written by the same man (impossible, though, I’m in Canada)
I feel for you, though, because he completely manipulated your compassion for his own sick ends … What a bastard.
As for my ex, his ex-gf actually contacted me and ratted him out, but honestly, I am so sick of the whole thing, I actually told her to stop contacting me or I’d consider it harassment. I’m done with the white-trash drama. The whole bunch of them can rot in hell, I have better things to do with my time than try to figure out who to believe.
I like UR attitude darling. That’s how I felt last year when I didn’t know who to believe. But my Ppath was very convincing that he loved me. I want to be myself again.
Well, Judahbug, be yourself – do things you love to do, surround yourself with normal people, people who make you feel good and lift you up instead of put you down. Go for a walk, ride your bike – do WHATEVER it takes to get back to you.
I’ll be honest, my ex-bf was a good friend (yeah, right), that I met through an aquaintance. He groomed me for about 9 months before “moving in for the kill” so to speak. I knew I cared about him, but when he came on strong, it was hard not to be flattered. Then, I was also very vulnerable health-wise. And the rest is history.
What I realized is that I used him to give me the love I couldn’t give to myself, and I chose to overlook inappropriate and untrustworthy behaviour because I needed to validate myself by having a partner. That’s my lesson – my pride is hurt more than anything, but truth is that I don’t love him any more, I don’t even like him. You have to get to that point, I feel so much better than even a few weeks ago. You can do it, be gentle with yourself, you’ve earned it.
Cecile I thought the same. I thought he was wounded or rejected by exes and family and I needed to show real unconditional love. He said he’s never seen anyone like me etc. buying have seen the demon in his eyes. I live the man 10,000%. I wish he was whole so we could be together but reality is he doesn’t care. He’s 50 yrs old and knows right from wrong. He knows what he does to people. He will die alone and unhappy.
Truthfully, since they appear to not care about the future and like their lives the way it is, I cannot imagine them being unhappy, ever! Knowing what I know now, I realized I fell for the person he pretended to be and since that person doesn’t exist, it’s easier for any “love’ I may have felt to simply evaporate into thin air. That may sound weird but it actually helps me work through the devastation. Thank for replying to m and best of luck to you!
I dated a sociopath for almost 5 years. I believed him to be wounded, listened to him mirror my words thinking he was so wounded he didn’t know how to effectively communicate and that it was the best he could do. We broke up and made up constantly, every 2 -4 weeks because I wanted more of a commitment, more attention, affection etc. He said he was trying and would do great for a while, then go back to crazy behavior. He was emotionally unavailable, made me out to be the one with “issues” whenever I would confront him about the actual reality of what he did. He did tell me once that he couldn’t give me what I wanted because he was “fucked up” but never expressed what “fucked up” meant. He told me he had trust issues so I did whatever I could to show I was trustworthy. The odd thing is, we neve spent the night with one another, he said it was because he “didn’t do intimacy”. There was only one night, very early in our involvement, that we fell asleep together because we had been drinking and the next morning he woke up drenshed in sweat. I thought it was because he drank too much but we had about the same and I didn’t have that reaction, I wonder if it was fear or because of the figurative intimacy??? He never kept tabs on me like some describe, we only got together once a week, sometimes less and rarely more, he rarely returned calls or texts and when he did call, never acknowleged my efforts to contact him or he’d say he had soooo much going on, blah, blah, blah!!! He smokes pot constantly, grows it in his house, gets a paycheck of sorts from his dad and doesn’t have a “regular” job. I know he doesn’t pay his bills and has had his home close to getting reposessed several times.I found all this out recently and it does help me work through who he pretended to be. I think because I fell for a “ghost” if you will, it’s easier to work through the diabolical behavior he exibited. I do struggle with my lesson in it all, did I actually ask for this somehow? I was unhappily married when we got together and sought a divorce soon after but wonder if it’s my Karma for being unfaithful? I had never cheated on anyone in my entire life and my ex husband was similar but much less mean. Is there help, is there a reason for me to believe I will work through this and love myself the way I should? I feel like it’s going to take forever and that thought scares me very, very much!
I too, felt like karma had it in for me. I left my husband of 12 years the year before due to me not being happy anymore. I know I hurt him, and I feel bad for it but I didn’t want to live my life unhappily anymore. When this happened with my spath, I thought the same thing you did. Maybe I deserved it? Maybe? Maybe not? What I do know is as much as I hate to admit it and as much as I wish it hadn’t of happened, I needed to learn the valuable lessons I did.
What I learned from mine is this: Don’t settle! Love yourself and know your worth! There was a reason I was stupid and practically begged him back…I was not loving myself the way that I should have. If I was, I would have seen him for what he was: a selfish asshole who only cares about himself and not me. I was at a very weak moment in my life (accidental pregnancy) and like a predator, he picked up on that weakness and exploited me for it. I’d like to think he wouldn’t have had a chance had I not been pregnant and lonely, but really who knows?
Unfortunately, it takes time….I’m going on a year and I still have my weak moments. But, it has got better. I am wiser now and am working on loving myself every day. I will not allow myself to lower my standards ever again. I know my worth and if someone treats me poorly….peace! I don’t have time for it! Good luck! Hang in there and read blogs and other information such as this. Reading about sociopath has helped me come to terms with who I was really dealing with. Your self-esteem takes a blow at first because you think it is you, but it’s not. It is who they are and they will continue to do it to anyone who crosses their path. But I understand how hard it is not to take personally. I remember thinking: didn’t he know what a bad ass woman he had who loved him despite his past? Wasn’t I good enough? Or was I not bad enough?
It really takes a toll on your self-esteem but I promise you, you WILL get through it!!!
Interestingly, I did the same thing. I left a far superior man over 10 years ago. I had an accidental pregnancy a couple years later. I wondered if this is what I deserved after hurting someone else. My ex-husband is happily remarried to my knowledge though, and I am happy for him to get what he deserves. I left because our relationship was emotionally shallow to me, though he was a dutiful husband who didn’t cheat, and wasn’t lazy or lying. I was curious about life and wanted to know what was out there—boy, did I get an education.
Jusagurl-I’m choosing to look at it as a means to an end. My ex-husband never cheated, never disappeared on me, and I knew for a fact that he loved me, I never had to question it nor did my gut ever have a reaction to him. But, like the song, “Sometimes love’s just not enough”. I tried making it work, but he proved time and time again that he was never going to change his selfish ways. He continues to show me this (we have a son together so he is not out of my life). Just when I think I made a mistake, he shows me I didn’t.
And yes, look at is an education. When you learn something new, you as a person grows. I learned from my ex-husband a few things: what it’s like when someone genuinly loves you and has your back, walking away when you’re not happy is okay, you can be friends when the relationship ends to name a few. With my spath: everything opposite but most importantly I learned that I have to trust myself (gut) when something doesn’t feel right. I wasted so much time trying to find solid evidence when my gut knew all along. And what baffles me is I stayed in the relationship when I was no longer happy and made no plans to leave until the day I found evidence of him cheating! That’s pathetic and I know I will never go down that path ever again.
So it may have been karma or just life teaching us a lesson. I learned mine, that’s for sure.
Oh and as far as a means to an end….I believe that some day I will find true love again. Sometimes you have to love a bad man, to appreciate a good one….
Like you, I learned about not second-guessing myself. We don’t need the actual evidence to know we are unhappy.
I don’t have the benefit of hindsight with my ex-husband like you do, as we don’t have children together so the break was clean. It may also make me idealize him more in retrospect and demonize myself. I will say I don’t feel regret over the departure. I felt I married too young/inexperienced and probably for the wrong reasons.
I also agree with you about the opportunity for true love. I think the key is to not wallow so long we ruin future opportunities for something better, i.e., not getting hung up on the “addiction”, or getting lost in the guilt of the lesson.
Hi Cecily,
I am glad you found this post helpful.
It really is amazing just how similar the Sociopath’s are in their behavior, right down to the things they say etc…they can be worlds apart yet follow the same agenda,words,actions etc…
I am glad your on your healing path as am I 🙂
Hey J’bug,
My Guy’s 58 & still playing the game so,I think they just keep doing it until???
The OW that he’s with now knows he’s a Soc & revealed him to me,then stayed?
It’s funny but, they are attracted to Psychologist’s or people with qualifications like this…perhaps they target them as to how much they can get away with.
My Soc is gaming a Dr of Sociology who lectures worldwide in human behavior etc…like big game hunting?
Yes they are! My ex his favourite saying is ‘ you are the psychologist one’…. I am considering going back to University next year – but have no clue what to study, but I know it will just be theoretical. Life has always been my greatest teacher.
Yeah mine came during my last semester for my MBA. I think they piggyback off our status to look good themselves. He was always bragging about me to his brother n others about my masters Nd how I would do anything for people etc.
It’s interesting that a lot on here are in that field of work or study or interested etc…
I wonder if Positiva has any thoughts on this?
I think your ability to not judge people & understand & forgive makes us more susceptible to
the Soc to manipulate etc…worth considering.
Who better to learn about people than from people who study the human condition, this way it would open more avenues for them???
Omg I know & it had been bugging me for ages that there was a connection aside from us all being really wonderful people.
Some of us are so wonderful we teach the B#@%#@ds how to really undermine us & use it on others….they are vacuums really 😦
What is also interesting is that contrary to public opinion – victims/survivors are not stupid people either. From the victims that I have met, all are compassionate, caring and very intelligent women.
I have never seen someone write a comment (on here or other sites) with poor english or text speak…. everyone is smart and articulate. There must be something in that too.
Yes I have noticed that also 😉
Perhaps now we have a voice & a tool we can use it for good against evil…Something they will hate!
Something great is going to come from all of our pain that I am certain of 🙂
P.S. I have noticed that some of the Soc’s that comment are not so articulate but, rather crazy & yet controlled hmm like they actually are!!!…
Maybe because they don’t write with empathy unless they mimic it???
Endless gaming….yet they are once again repetitive & regurgitating!
Thanks PR, I am just so damn astounded that there are so many sociopaths/psychopaths out there and so many victims… truly amazing!!! I also find it hard to believe they can have no remorse what so ever and actually enjoy causing other’s pain, there should be a penalty for that! I mentioned in a post that even though I’m not a vengeful person by nature, this experience has had me wishing for something horrible to happen to my ex, so unfair that they seemingly get off scott free only to repeat their behavior with someone else. I was actually warned about my ex (not told he was a sociopath) by an ex of his who’s a psychologist. She seemed to believe he was that way because of issues he had with his mother growing up but never knew he was a sociopath and remained friends with him. Go figure!!!
I was warned by one of his ex’s that he was a predator & after 10 years (my story is on the story blog here if your interested?) the OW a Dr of Sociology exposed him to me.
Then we met & even though she know’s he’s a Soc has stayed with him??? Yep go figure!!!
Mine is a High Functioning Soc & is a Commander in the Fire Brigade…I even did his Degree for him to hold his ranking…yes I did (sigh).
He dropped me like a hot cake & I was so angry I tried to expose him but, looked like the nutter ;( he reported me to the police for calling him a sleazebag on a text message!
I never actually said he was just repeated what others thought of him 🙂
One word & he reports me!
Still here we are helping each other so, you are not alone, we do understand so, stay strong,you deserve better & you are a wonderful person…Your in the best company 🙂
PR, I’m having a hard time navigating this site and am trying to figure out some things, since I’m new here. Where is your story? I’d love to read it! This place has saved me from months, if not years of needless suffering and i thank you for your insight, support and love and rightbackatcha Sister! xoxo
I also agree! I”m new to blogging so I hope you all can read this. I have one who use to be a policeman, so they do have jobs that they can hurt other people at their pleasure! Ladies, we are just loving caring, and that is why they prey on us!
Nessa
Nessa,
There’s nothing wrong with being loving and caring, just don’t be naive, that’s how we get caught up and trapped. This site offers so much information, support and healing and I hope you get it!!! xxo
Dating a Sociopath 
Hi Positiva,
I thought this article/post was very good so, thought I’d share with you ;0)
To draw you closer, the psychopath creates an aura of desirability—of being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for you to be the preferred object of his attention, to win him away from a crowd of admirers. He manufactures the illusion of popularity by surrounding himself with members of the opposite sex: friends, former lovers, and your eventual replacement. Then, he creates triangles that stimulate rivalry and raise his perceived value. (Adapted from “The Art of Seduction” by Robert Greene).
A note before I continue: people fall in and out of love. People find new love, before and after relationships come to an end. People cheat on one another. This section is not about these everyday occurrences—no matter how heartbreaking and unfair they might be. Instead, I will be describing a very specific set of patterns and behaviors that psychopaths utilize in order to torture and control their targets.
Psychopaths, like most predators, seek power and control. They want to dominate their partners sexually, emotionally, and physically. They do this by exploiting vulnerabilities. This is why they love-bomb you with attention and flattery in the beginning of the relationship—because no matter how strong or confident you are, being in “love” makes you vulnerable by default. Psychopaths don’t need physical aggression to control you (although sometimes they do). Instead, relationships provide them the perfect opportunity to consume you by manufacturing the illusion of love. This is why it’s so damaging when bystanders say: “Well, why didn’t you just leave?” You never entered a relationship with the psychopath expecting to be abused, belittled, and criticized—first, you were tricked into falling in love, which is the strongest human bond in the world. Psychopaths know this.
So how does the psychopath maintain such a powerful bond over his targets? One of their favorite methods is through triangulation. When I mention this term, survivors usually equate it with the next target, but that is not always the case. Psychopaths use triangulation on a regular basis to seem in “high-demand”, and to keep you obsessed with them at all times. This can occur with anyone, not just other women:
1. Your family
2. His family
3. Your friends
4. His friends
5. Ex-partners
6. Partners-to-be
7. Complete strangers
The psychopath’s ability to groom others is unmatched. He feels an intense euphoria when he turns people against each other, especially when it’s over a competition for him. Psychopaths will manufacture situations to make you jealous and question his fidelity. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy—but the psychopath does exactly the opposite. He is constantly suggesting that he might be pursuing other options, or spending time with other people, so that you can never settle down into a feeling of peace. And he will always deny this, calling you crazy for bringing it up.
The issue here is that you’re accustomed to such a high level of attention after he first lured you in, so it feels very personal & confusing when he directs that attention elsewhere. He knows this. He’ll “forget” plans with you, and spend a few days with friends that he always complained about to you. He’ll ignore you to spend more time with the family, when he initially told you that they were horrible people. He’ll seek sympathy from an ex when a member of his family dies, and explain that they just have a “special friendship” you wouldn’t understand. Often—if not always—that ex is someone he first claimed was abusive and unstable.
Seeking attention, sympathy and solace from people who are not you is a very common tactic of the psychopath. As an empathetic person, and as his partner, you rightfully feel that he should be seeking comfort in you. You’ve always healed him in the past, so what’s different now? He once claimed that he was a broken man, and that you were the reason he was happy again. But now, he turns to private friendships or past relationships that you could “never understand”. And he will always make sure to shove this in your face.
This brings me to the next topic: social media.
Technology makes it so much easier for psychopaths to manipulate through triangulation. It can be as simple as liking a comment from an old ex, while ignoring one from you. He will “accidentally” upload a photo album where he’s embracing the ex he once claimed to hate. Everything appears to be unintentional—you often attribute it to insensitivity— but make no mistake: it is carefully calculated.
He will post strategically ambiguous statuses, songs, and videos that suggest you might be “losing” him. He will share things that are intentionally meant to lure in new & old targets. For example, an inside joke with his new victim. Or the love song that he and his ex once shared. This does two things: it leaves you feeling unhinged, anxious, and jealous. But it also makes the competing party feel confident, loved, and special. He is grooming them as he erodes your identity—two birds with one stone.
He wants you to confront him about these things, because they are so seemingly minimal that you will appear crazy and jealous for bringing them up. He will calmly provide an excuse for everything and then blame you. Covert abuse is impossible to prove, because it’s always strategically ambiguous. You can’t prove that he’s luring in his ex because of a song he posted, but you know it intuitively. This is how they finalize the crazy-making. Because let’s be honest: complaining about Facebook statuses & comments does seem immature. That’s exactly how he wants you to feel.
Psychopaths are also expertly skilled at surrounding themselves with givers—insecure people who find self-worth in taking care of others. This is why your giving seems so insignificant and replaceable during the relationship. He adores qualities in others who are nothing like you—sometimes even the exact opposite of you. The message is simple: you are no longer special. You are replaceable. If you don’t give him the worshipping he deserves, he’ll always have other sources. And even if you do give him positive energy, he’ll get bored of you eventually. He doesn’t need you. His current round of fans will always spoil and admire him, making you believe that he truly must be a great guy. But take a careful look around. You’ll notice that they all seem to have an unspoken misery about them.
The final triangulation happens when he makes the decision to abandon you. This is when he’ll begin freely talking about how much this relationship is hurting him, and how he doesn’t know if he can deal with your behavior anymore. He will usually mention talking to a close friend about your relationship, going into details about how they both agreed that your relationship wasn’t healthy. In the meantime, he’s been blatantly ignoring frantic messages from you. You’ll be sitting there wondering why he isn’t chatting with you about these concerns, considering it’s your relationship.
Well, the reason is that he’s already made the decision to dump you—now he’s just torturing you. He only seeks advice from people he knows will agree with him. That “friend” he’s talking to is likely his next target.
After the breakup, he will openly brag about how happy he is with his new partner, where most normal people would feel very embarrassed and secretive about entering a new relationship so quickly. And even more surprising, he fully expects you to be happy for him. Otherwise you are bitter and jealous.
During this period, he makes a post-dump assessment. If you grovel or beg, he is likely to find some value in your energy. He will be both disgusted and delighted by your behavior. If you lash out and begin uncovering his lies, he will do everything in his power to drive you to suicide. Even if you come back to him later with an apology, he will permanently despise any target who once dared talk back to him. You’ve seen too much—the man behind the mask.
This is why he constantly waves his new partner in your face, posting pictures and declaring his happiness online. Proving how happy and perfect they are. It’s a final attempt to drive you insane with triangulation. To make you blame her instead of him.
Exes who stay strung do not understand that they are puppets to the psychopath. Instead, they feel that they are fulfilling some sort of beautiful duty as his friend—someone who will always be there for him. They don’t understand that they are only kept around to spice things up when he becomes bored. They don’t see that they are the basis of so many fights—not because their friendship with the psychopath is special and enviable—but because the psychopath intentionally creates that drama. They are operating under the delusion that their friendship with the psychopath is brilliant, unique, and unprecedented. When in reality, he just uses them to triangulate.
So how can you protect yourself from this devastating emotional abuse? First, you must learn self-respect. I will discuss this in more detail later on in the book. But the bottom line is, you need know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship. You should know that a man who cheats and antagonizes is not worth your time. You should never resort to calling yourself crazy in order to account for his extremely sketchy behavior. But that’s hard to do with subtle, covert, crazy-making abuse.
So here’s where I introduce “The Detective Rule”. The idea is simple: if you find yourself playing detective with someone, you remove them from your life immediately. Remember your Constant? Do you play detective with them? Do you cyberstalk their Facebook page and question their every intention? No, of course not. So you know the common denominator is external.
Even if this sense of distrust feels obscure and unreasonable, trust your gut. If you are constantly worrying or doubting your thoughts, it’s time to stop blaming yourself and start taking action.
Miraculously, every single time you remove that toxic person from your life, you will find that the anxiety subsides. Some of us are better at judging ourselves than others, so this finally gives you a chance to put that to use. You can decide whether or not you like the way you feel around someone. No one can ever tell you that your feelings are wrong. Remember the question: “How are you feeling today?” The answer is all that matters.
Triangulation leaves long-lasting emotional scars, and it makes you feel as if you are a jealous, needy, insecure monster. Start healing those scars and understand that they were manufactured. You were not yourself—you were manipulated. The real you is kind, loving, open-minded, and compassionate. Never question these things again.
This article was originally published in forum thread: Torture by Triangulation started by Peace View original post
Oh wow!!! I’ve found myself talking about the “Detective Rule”. I’m glad I read it here as well. I’ve said since the beginning of the end that I will never play detective again. If I get that gut feeling again, I’m out!!!
I think it should be noted that not all sociopaths/psychopaths are the same. They don’t all fit every criteria, and it may take time for some of these traits to come out and if you’re like me, I wasn’t with my sociopath that long. Maybe it would have been something I went through had we stayed together (I’m so glad it ended when it did).
Tried to add my story but can’t find it, so if it’s elsewhere in the wrong place please delete it.
Me four years ago:
Married, outgoing, confident,people person,Physically very fit.oh yes and Empath…to the point of sometimes feeling I have a sixth sense into people’s feelings! Great job in which I can use all of my creativity, imagination, caring nature and understanding of people to help others. It fills a void for my stale, longstanding marrige to a selfish control freak who offers me NO intimacy at all.
New guy comes along,I make him welcome, he is aloof, secretive,abrupt……….but.seems to get along with me just fine,well I do have that personality?
He loosens up a little, we talk over the months, he says he is very insecure, all past relationships have had their bad points,they all did the dirt on him for some reason or another, but his ex still wants him back? He seems to hang around one woman in particular at a time, but I pass it off as he is also married. Gets very close to me, helps me….a lot, everything I like so does he, he watches me like a hawk and takes in every little detail about me,shows a very strong interest, follows me everywhere. I feel that there is a strong connection between us, but he never actually says so, only the little innuendos and inside jokes.
Begin to see him pass as I leave work, phone starts ringing and then hanging up when I answer,,a lot. I don’t even think it could be stalkish,by now, I am beginning to have feelings for him. By now he is telling me he is deeply in love with me (three months)
We begin a relationship, against all of my morals, and it is very obsessive,for me,and especially for him, he can not leave me alone, needs to see me, hear me, touch me, so clingy that my friends are now making comments, strangers think we are a married couple, we are so alike!
I notice that I have phone messages that are open, but I know I haven’t opened them myself, catch him putting my phone back quickly,but just think,God he has it bad, but feel unnerved a little…He then gets a little distant,…excuses for not texting, and I begin getting odd texts which don’t refer to me, I begin watching him and notice seomeone else has his interest,he likes all the same things she does, he seems to like making physical contact with her too. I question him on his distance.he comes back full swing, makes plans (we have not been physical yet)..he tells me I am so stunning that it worries him, asks me why do I want him all the time??
I reassure him, I feel like I am constantly having to by now. We get to the physical stage but something doesn’t feel right, I can’t put my finger on it yet.
By now he is telling me he wants to leave everything for me, and I do for him, but we have to keep it quiet.
It goes on and I have to be away with family for a while, he contacts me constantly on my trip, but sends things which don’t add up, I feel uneasy, he refers to me as you would to a buddy one minute and tells me he is dying without me the next, all I want is to get home to resolve the matter,it ruins my trip…Two days later I hear him with her,in the room next to me,they are not talking but there are sighs,ooh,ahhhs,,,,,,and I know, all of my instincts are correct, I hadn’t imagined those looks, touches, and inside jokes, my world falls apart, I have risked everythign I have for a thrill chaser!
He denies it, his stories change, but he convinces me there is something wrong with my hearing and my senses, he begs me to see him every day and reassures me I am wrong, he would never hurt me, he is obsessed with me, I let it go becasue I can’t stand the seering pain and shame I’m feeling. All the time I can see those looks still, he is nervous when we are both there at the same time, I want to talk with her, but I can’t.
He then gets another job, all the time promising that it is NOT goodbye, we are forever,he even makes love to me every week and I have never felt passion like it in my life.
As soon as he moves, things don’t add up, I hear from him every day morning and night, but he doesn’t seem to want to see me, I start analysing every single thing,,,,,she starts asking me where I’ve been, when, etc. she also starts hanging round me and I feel she wants to talk,,,but I don’t,,,by now I am paranoid, some of my friends seem to be quiet and reserved around me, and his contact is minimal.
Out of the blue I read a credit card satement and find to my horror that it’s reached its limit,but I haven’t used it,at all,,I question my son, there are items on it which no one in my family would use, but I let it go, I am too consumed with my private matters, it’s all I can think about.
He still continues with deep love bombing by text, but no face to face meetings,, he is so busy, he also continues to drop hints about the other one which feel like a kick in the stomach. I question him,,,,,,,,back he comes with a meeting here and there, but never any attempt for physical closeness, which doesn’t match the words he sends…at all. He makes hints that his wife is suspicious, we should play it cool for a while,I ask,how is she, your are not meeting me??
He wants to know where I am everyday, he has now forgotten my work schedule, but craftily asks all the time what I’m doing, I am paranoid it’s because he wants me out of the way to meet someone else, but don’t want to keep pushing the matter., this goes on for months and I ask him,do you want this to end?, why are you doing this to me?…he keeps saying…NO I can’t bear the thought of you not in my life, things will be good, I promise, we just have to be patient.
I see constantly that he is stringing me along, tell him it’s over, something that happened a long time ago, but isn’t actually happening now,,he begs, pleads,,,gives me an hour to talk, and I come away feeling hooked again, but also feeling that I was just duped.
Things come to a head with the other one, we talk, she denies everything,
I give him the benefit of the doubt,try to let it all go and believe it’s all over between them. she starts a smear campaign against me, and tries to have me fired which doesn’t work.
All through it he continues to contact me with the love bommbing, only wishes to actually speak to me if he thinks there may be a problem, every time I talk to him I feel I am being duped,,he never actually answers a question, only changes the subject, usually to a pity story,,and his abswers are evasive ones.
I know by now he is a compulsive liar, but I make excuses for him. Because I know he lies, I don’t believe a single word he tells me, three years later, he is still telling me I am the love of his life, the only one who knows him, and the only one who can ‘break down his walls’ He is childish, even in his writing sometimes, repetetive, even to the point of sending the same excuses as before when they are totally ridiculous ones. He is obsessively jealous of my social life and my friends, even my Granchild.
I have thought for a while that he is Borderline, but there are cruel things he did which I can’t list which make me think Sociopath, although he has never hurt me physically. He actually seems to enjoy it when I fall for his stories (dupers delight)
What hurts the most is that I have a deep love for him, so deep that I buried all this for a long time, (the truthful side) every time I tried to confide in anyone they looked at me like I was a basket case, no one understands how enmeshed you become with people like this, no one knows how hard it is to break free, I have tried many times to break free, all my friends think I am the crazy obsessed one,,they don’t know that it was him who made me this way. At the moment while he is being a little distant I feel okay, I don’t worry too much what’s going on in the background.
My ife has become so controlled by it all that I don’t know how to let it all go.
Sorry it’s long but this is not even half of it
Hi, this is the first time I have ever blogged…..I have just realized I’ve been the victim of a sociopath. Reading all of this is like a glimpse of my last 3 years!! I’m struggling with the hurt, thank you for your posts!!
Hi thanks for this pheonix, its a really good article. Can you post the link for it? I don’t usually put other work directly on this site, unless reblogged directly back to the link (I think i have only done that one time).I know that I don’t like it if someone copies and pastes my work. Also it affects my rankings on google searches if my work on this site isn’t original content. This is a great article though, but it is work that someone is using for a book (as my work is on this site) can you post the link for it, so that I can edit your post and put it on, that person might see it as a link to their site, and can ask to have it removed if they wish.
I’ve been struggling to let go of my ex for over a year. I know that I don’t need any more to confirm that he is a sociopath. The part that speaks about triangulation hit home…again for me. He made me believe our friendship was super special. One of a kind. The only person he talked to. When I said I could no longer handle being his friend he sent me this this text:
“I’m losing the friend I’ve text every day for the last year an a half. Who will I text now?”
In my head I’m thinking, did he forget 90% of those texts are me spazzing out about him ignoring me? That our friendship has consisted of me taking him $ every two weeks?
I’m so dependent on him, it’s physically sickening. I was always on edge and I found myself many times when i discovered an inconsistency that i was biting me tongue because I didn’t want to upset him. I could tell he could see I was upset and he would start talking a mile a minute about something to distract me and it always worked. When we did fight, I always had to apologize for catching him in a lie or accusing him. He would say to me “I’m never going away, I’m going to fix your behavior, this needs to stop.”
He is surrounded by adoring groupies (men and female friends, one being my best friend, she introduced us)His audience ready to jump for him. Rides, paper, cigarettes, lying in court for him, food and on and on. I want to warn these people that he is using them but feel its not my place. Some I feel are getting tired of his behavior and I don’t want to put my friend in the middle or interrupt their friendship. If I say something I could hear him pulling up old text messages and sharing examples of my “craziness”
This is so crazy. I’m trying so stay strong. I’m keeping my mind busy and I tell myself many many times throughout my day that I’m going to be just fine. I’m winning now.
Hang in there girl! Me too but the one thing that helps me is knowing that he is a hollow shell of a man and he will never know what love is! So having said that, joke is on them, we have it and they can’t get it! That’s makes warm and fuzzy inside!,
Wow. That sums up my relationship. Hiding his cell phone. Looking for calls and texts. Online websites etc. and using his ex to make me jealous. And now being online calling me names saying he has a new “baby” who makes him happy now. Well he will NEVER be happy. He isn’t capable! He has nothing to offer anybody. Just a temper and ruthless demeanor.
I am completely amazed by how accurate this is, how cunning and clever they are. I’ve been a victim of this exact behavior!!! I searched online for years trying to figure out what was wrong with the man I was involved with and KNEW there had to be an explanation…I thought he was a wounded man and believed if I could get him to trust me, he would commit and “be” someone better as a result….NOT!
The specifics of psychopath’s and sociopath’s behavior is astonishing and it seems they read a book on how to be one or both…the verbage they use is classic….nothing short of diabolical!!!
Now the healing begins!
I hope you read my post above, me too I’m flabbergasted at what I’ve read…he meets all the criteria of a sociopath, but I couldn’t see it! What’s worse is I work in the healthcare profession and this jerk has played me for a fool…….
Everyday it gets better, and then a memory bubble pops up and I’m still processing all the past 3 yrs! My hope is that he moves from our small town so I don’t have to see him anymore!!
Wow this has really helped me today!!
One of the red flags I saw ‘before’ things started for me certainly was triangulation! I even remember thinking ‘he’s doing this on purpose!!
Sadly I wanted him so badly that,,yes,all of his attention to me made me feel that I was the special one.
He has continued triangulating throughout, purposely and slyly mentioned things about the other woman (two years after the drama) simply because he knows it pulls my cords.
He has now started using his family to triangulate,,,I see it when it happens now and back off myself,guess what,,he immediately comes back with the wooing!!
Great read thankyou 🙂
sorry Positava,,,I dont know how it got in the wrong section x
Oops that was me as I was trying to share the post I had found, I am glad that you found it helpful as I did also.
Hi Positiva,
Yes, sorry I got it off Pinterest & I thought the link was at the bottom of the article.
It comes from a book Psychopathfree and was via a thread from PEACE & titled Torture by Triangulation. Pyschopathfree has it’s own website & forum etc…I hope I haven’t upset you
😦
It is on Pinterest so,I thought it was okay to share but,I will check with you in future ;0)
No if you just copy and paste the link, they will see it on their own website and if they have a problem with it, they can ask me to remove. I do think it is a great article.
No of course not upset me!! 🙂 If it is on pintrest, then it is shared via sharing buttons (can you see at the bottom of each post on here?) – that way people can share work, but it links back to the page. 🙂 thank you anyway as it is good.
http://psychopathfree.com/content.php?134-Torture-by-Triangulation
:0) oh now I get it (DOH!)
Great link! it brings back a lot of scenarios for me, and all those times he did this (usually with someone he had latched onto at work so he could do it in front of me) hurt like hell, but now I see just how sick it was.
He still tries to triangulate now, even in his texts, always mentions a girl at work who’s been helping him, etc…..I just ignore and ignore!
They say when you take a step back and look from the outside, you can actually see why your friends thought you was the crazy one.
I would be paranoid that there was someone else ALL the time, repeat every sentence he had said about ‘others’ over in my head…. and yes,I did play detective constantly. I used to think,if only I could catch him, it would be easier to just walk away.
I was so enmeshed that I was sidetracked from the real issue.
The fact that he does this is proof enough that he is disordered to some degree, whether or not there are others. It is sick, cruel, and does leave you feeling that you are losing the plot.
Mine had already groomed me to accept this behaviour and not question it, with his ” I grew up around lots of girls”……….”I’m used to being around females”….manipulation right from the outset!
He even turned that round on me when I caught him at it with “why didn’t you speak to me about it if you thought I was too close to her? ”
…because I didn’t want to appear needy and you programmed me not to you cruel b*s.*…*..*.rd!!!
Triangulation..what an epiphany! My soc did this with me and the OW, me and the new woman (or, one of them anyway) and at least twice before with his ex and two other women. Makes complete sense.
I actually think he went as far as to send nasty messages to each of us, meant to sound like they were from the other person, to pin us against each other. After getting to know her, I found out she didnt send any of it. I mean, of course she could be lying, but if we are talking about gut instincts, my gut tells me she didnt, and he did. To pin us against each other. What a sicko.
Hi GL, I put that up & am so glad you read it ;0)
PR xoxo
My story.
Its sooooo long so I’ll bullet point.
• I was an oldeinsurance very depressed vulnera. e single mum.
• Met on an app on fb. He contacted me.
• After weeks of chatting online and by phone I asked if he wanted to meet up.
• Hit it off really well. He was very affectionate. After first sexual encounter asked if I’d ever considered having a boob job. I laughed. I was happy with my DD bust (he liked big chested women and his ex was massive compared to me)
• I now have a complex about my bust. It doesn’t help that I lost two stone and most of what boobage I had. He once pinched my nipples that hard during sex that he made them both bleed.
• Moved in after a couple of months. He had no job and lived off me (parasite)
• Found out everything about me as I was very depressed and had bwen mentally abused by my long term ex (although he was a pussy cat compared to what I had now let myself in for)
• He mirrored my ideal partner that I couldn’t beleive how lucky I was
• Most of his family are alcoholics. He liked a drink (all at my expense) I hadnt drunk so often in all my life but was having the time of my life
• Dismissed how he said he had treated his ex. Slamdunked her. Hit her. Abused her. Cheated on her. How he had two phones and would text other women whilst laying in bed next to her. Showed no remorse at all and was almost getting off on it) How he tried turning her against her own children. Got engaged to her using an old ring his mother gave him just to shut her up and make her think it was real. How he never loved her but told me we was real and would never do any of this to me. I was besotted.
• After two weeks I admittedly said to him that I think I’m falling in love with him. He laughed in my face but six weeks later suggested we have a child together. This was not something I jumped into lightly. I had already had two broken longterm relationships which involved children and aired all my concerns (my age. Not wanting another child to come from a broken home plus lots more but over the weeks he assured me he wasnt going anywhere. Not now. Not ever and kept telling me how much he loved me.
• He wanted to get engaged. (I paid for both our rings as he also wanted an engagement ring)
• Plenty of red flags over a course of only a few months but I chose to ignore them justifying it all with his behaviour isnt aimed at me despite him having a history of self harming and done this once in front of me.
• Kept asking me whats my percentage of trust for him??
• I paid for absolutely everything including putting him on my car Insurance. (He abused my car over our time together red lining it in every gear and proud of it)
• Basically. In ten months we were engaged, married (paid for by myself, my parents and his dad. Not a penny contribution from him and I was two months pregnant. I was the happiest woman alive and honestly couldn’t beleive my luck.
• Weeks after our child was born was when my bubble burst and my whole world came crashing down. Our baby was weeks old and basically I stumbled across something on the computer that I wasn’t looking for nor suspected. Basically my husband had set up a fictitious fb account and sent two messages to his big chested ex telling her she was well fit plus another women and one women had excepted his friend request. He had joined two groups. Likes girls with the biggest tits and another likes sex games. I was mortified. Bottom line he first denied it then was all the sorrys. I over the next two years did not trust him as far as I could throw him and could not drop it either. I wanted answers. Why did he do this to me? How could he do this to me? This put a massive massive strain on our marriage and his masked slipped.
• He glared at me and told me “I hope you die of the harshest cancer”
• Shouted “I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.
• Told me to just drop it all and do it all his way and we will be alright
• Said how nothing was his problem
• Told me he didnt want me to love him. He dont do love that way he cant get hurt
• Said he didnt do family. Its boring. He just wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.
• When I asked why did you marry me his reply coz I thought thats what you done next. Why did he want a baby with me his reply anyone can have a kid. What was the best part of our wedding day. His reply. The party afterwards. Why did he bother turning up. His reply. Coz I didn’t want you too look stupid. He also said if we was waiting for me to pay for the wedding we would still be waiting and he laughed.
• NEVER called me by my name. I was babe, baby, darling or girl along with silly bitch, mad, mental, crazy, joker and mug to name a few.
• smashed my bedroom up after an all day drink binge spending all our christmas money at the pub and kicking both the waldrobe doors off there hinges and hurling them across the bedroom one landed in oor babies cot along with the baby bath. Luckily our little one was asleep downstairs. They were only 5 months old and this happened the day after our first wedding anniversary.
There’s so much more to this. Too much to write. Basically he had taken me for everyrhing I had. He was horrible. A vampire. When I was undressing one night he said Errrr. your getting skinny. I don’t like skinny birds. I like something with a bit of meat on em. Sime cushion for the pushon. Arsehole. His planted so many seeds in my head its untrue.
We separated for four weeks last year. I had zero contact with him. I missed him every second of every day. Did he miss me. Like hell did he. Back to his old tricks. On the dating websites and his fb grooming lots of vulnerable women. I cleared my house of all his stuff which he collected. Four weeks later yes after a very feeble attempt of I love you. I want you back etc despite me knowing deep down he was manipulating me just coz this was the only way to get to see his son I stupidly gave it another go. He never moved back in but towards the end of this five month reconciliation he was staying most nights. He had promised he would stop drinking. Go for counselling for himself which he did a few times. Marriage guidance. Anger management. Parenting course and engage with a psychiatrist. He knew I kbew what he is. I had shared this with him for ages and he agreed everything I read to him sounded like him. I ended it for the final time the end of last year. I am high risk with the dv department. his fighting to see our child. He has had two supervised visits at a contact centre. My request. I am so concerned for our childs wellbeing in his care. I might have broken free but it scares me that I have to re introduce our child into the toxic environment that my soon to be ex husband creates and created for himself. Eight months has passed and im still undergoing counselling. Looking deep within myself. The last four years going round and round in my head everyday. Beating myself up. Going through the grieving process over and over. Remembering things he said but never questioned hum on that now looking from the outside in raise alarm bells. Missing the man I fell in love with and knowing gis not real. Thats really really hard to come to terms with. I don’t want him stalking my every thought. Yes I’m allowing it but so don’t know how to get off this roller coaster hell that im on. Having a child with this person is what makes all this so much harder for me. I feel so cheated ans I’m raising our child single handedly. No child support no nothing. He wants to see our child but I honestly feel its for all the wrong reasons. He always said to me I was his property and I feel he views our child in the same way. Me and our child was nothing but a hindrance to him when he was here. His got what he wanted. The life and freedom to do what the hell he likes. I resent that im left picking up the peices raising our child the best that I can and his out there somewhere with no responsibility and not a care in the world. The only person he has to worry about is himself but then his an expert at that. He always said the only person he looks out for is number one.
He threatend me that I I ever met someone else we had both better watch ourselves. His done a pretty good job of damaging me soooo much that I dont honestly think I could trust another man. Im not interested in forming a new relationship I wanted the family unit with the fake him. Ive not had sex since october last year which was with him. I got woken up with him pleasing himself inside me. Twice in a week. Had everything been rosy I wouldn’t have minded but I feel very violated by that. He used and abused me every which way he could. I’m taking one day at a time but keep going backwards not forwards. His manipulating his solicitor and the contact centre. Its all so damn frustrating. I would love to meet up personally with others that are going through all this. No one I know gets me and its so frustrating and very lonely. My heart goes out to all off you and I’m pleased I have found others who can relate to my pain and confusion.
* older insecure vulnerable depressed woman
Sorry for any typing errors. Typed on my phone.
Can I also just add when we first initiallh split up and he went straight onto grooming other women. I asked him how could he do this. His reply was what did you expect me to curl up in the corner and cry. Nah your alright. I dont do that shit. He admitted to grooming six women at the same time and dropped two of them because they were boring. Wouldnt send pics if their tits. He also openly said he only goes for the older single mums because there the ones who are most vulnetable and beleive his bull shit. He also said how he had been chatting up a married woman whos old enough to be his mother as I nearly am but shes older than me and said he was very tempted to meet her. Tols me she had a accent. Etc just rubbing salt into my already wide open wound. Said how any nationality a do as long as there not black coz all blacks have got aids. His soooooo sick and so nasty and malicious. I could go on andon here. Sorry for the already long read.
Hi Soul Destroyed 🙂
Keep reading & sharing & you’ll need to gather all your supports,friends,family,doctor,psychologist? Anyone that can help you.
You are right that only other sufferers get what you have been through but, you still need to take care of yourself so, all the support I mentioned is crucial 🙂
You can vent here but, only you can do your healing.
Believe in yourself, focus on the positive’s in your life (your Baby) & like a baby, it takes little steps at a time as you are on a journey to a better place, Your going to find strength you never knew you had & you will find YOU!
You are not alone, your a survivor 🙂
Hi SD 🙂
How are you travelling?
I hope you are okay & that the LO is thriving.
Let me know your okay soon….thinking of you 🙂
PR xoxo
Soul I get u. 100%. I’ve heard it all. Even bought wedding rings. I’m always the love of his life and I should know that he loves me. That’s why he left again while I was at work and ignores me and lives online looking to replace me.
I just posted my story today but I’ve been reading this site and the awareness site every day for the past 3 wks. It’s the only thing getting me thru. This is the longest we’ve gone NC and after reading UR post I worry he might come back yet again after he gets bored playing online. I’m all he has here in Texas and all he knows at any measure if depth. Lord help me say no if he tries.
Judahbug. I read your story earlier and can so relate to your pain and the yearning for him. I had this in the four weeks we were first separated and tgen again on our last and final split. Trust me that yearning does subside. You will go through all sorts of greiving stages because technically that is how we are made to feel once we leave. I grieved the man that never really was. That was one of the hardest parts for me. My soul mate. My knight in shining armour. It was all a mask and hurts like hell. Im nearly 9 months on. Every day has been a struggle. I’m not going to lie, but I’m fortunate to have a good network of people around me. Inside and outside the family. I recently had some cranial sacral therapy which my sister had mentioned. I had never heard of it before so I done some research. I decided to go ahead and have a therapy session because I’m so desperate to move forward and was prepared to try anything with an open mind. I am feeling so much more positive since my treatment and the tape has stopped playing over and over in my head ad it had been all these months. Had we not had a child together I feel I would have been ready to finally start living my life again (as a single woman though because im still no where yet ready to have or want for that matter a relationship) but sadly I am being held back because of all the ongoing saga regarding arrangements for contact with our lo which has again after three supervised sessions has been put on hold and his applied to the court for access so I have a court case to deal with now. In my situation I do feel this is the best course regarding this matter because its been taken out of my hands.
I do still have a very long way to go and am still healing and finding myself but I am slowly moving forward. Ive had some great support on here by phoenix which im really grateful for. We are all here for the same reason so can fully relate to each other be our experiences slightly different but their behaviours the same.
Just keep coming back here. We are all here for you. Just try and stay as focused as you can and take one day at a time. You are stronger than you think. Start believing in yourself and know you are far better off out of it than in it although it may not feel like that at the moment. Focus on finding you and loving you for the wonderful person you are. Keep talking. Its better out than in. We are all survivors. Time is a great healer. Please just trust in yourself that you will get through this. Its not going to happen over night. Everyday you get through is one day nearer to your recovery. Stay strong and positive.
Big hugs x
Thank you for your support and kind words. I do have a network of people and am undergoing longterm counselling. Its just that the people I have working with me have no experience or degrees in understanding properly what I’m going through. They sympathise but lack the true understanding. I appreciate its very hard for family members to get me also which does make me feel like a broken record and leaves me feeling just as frustrated as they more than likely feel. Talking to people who don’t get me isn’t very comforting to me. I am trying so hard to move forwards but its an uphill struggle. Have some good days but then have some very bad days too. I’ve just had enough of all this and just want it all to stop.
It is hard to talk to people who don’t understand and it is impossible to understand unless you have been there. Also people who blame or judge are not useful either. Stay strong and try to focus on you, and loving you. It might have been a while since you have done this. It is important to learn to love yourself, find the person in the mirror… its all there.
Thank you for your support. I don’t think I have ever truly looked in the mirror and seen this truely amazing person that I really am. I so need to stop being so hard on myself.
Can you tell me if this sounds like a sociopath?? I have been in an off and on with this man for 9 yrs. he has hurt me tremendously and left me confused.
He doesnt care how he hurts others
Blames others for his mistakes
Doesnt leave one relationship unless another is already started
Claims to be friends but ignores all emails etc for no reason
Doesnt care when he gets caught
Gets mad at trivial things. Irratated if asked if everything is ok between us. Says “i wont lose sleep if u stop calling”
Charming
Lies
Gets defensive when confronted
Crooked business behaviour
Cold/callus for no apparent reason
Secretive
Gets what he wants then treats me like trash when im trying to be at least a friend
Makes me feel like im crazy because i snap when im hurt
Like he doesnt get it or care
Makes me feel hated by him
Never says hes sorry or thank you
Uses my insecurities to push a button
A
I realized at one time i didnt want to continue the cycle and tried to talk calmly to him about that we shouldnt start things up again and he flipped out and next thing i new i was wanting him and his forgiveness
Im having a very hard time letting this go. It would help if i knew for sure he was a soc
Help
I am unable to diagnose here need. The important thing is how your partner Makes you feel about you. If its not good you need to get out. For you. What I write about healing and recovery would be the same. Also look up narcissistic personality disorder..
Yes you are trying & that is the first step & yes nobody get’s it unless they have either experienced it or something similar. Looking for answers helps but, it also hurts.
Unfortunately the only way to the other side of this trauma is through it 😦
I was where you are but, am slowly accepting & moving a bit each day. There is no miracle cure but, I am sure if you speak to your Doctor they may give you something to settle your mind so, you can get some rest.
I got a low dose anti-depressant which I did not want to take but, my Doctor said this type of trauma & experience has been protracted & vicious so, she thought in my best interest to prescribe me something to help.
I also sought counselling, have great friends & family but, also I didn’t want the Sociopath to reduce me any further than he had. I could not & will not let him break me down.
My only defence has been to rise above him & show him I am better than him!
I am still working on it, exercising, smiling even when I feel like a mess & making myself busy etc…I am focusing on all my positives, family & friends,work etc…anything to move me into a better frame of mind. It’s working but, it’s been a constant battle.
You can do this, you just have to start small & build. Give yourself a big hug from me because if I could I would. You are a survivor, look what you have had to go through.
You have to believe that you are worthy & special.
You Not Alone, just get through each day as each day it does get better.
Make a pact with me to check in each day if you want & we’ll encourage each other.
I’m not you, only you can do this but, I and all the other survivors are here to help YOU 🙂
Stay strong, stay with us & we’ll help where we can 😉
Love & happiness to you 😉
PR xoxo
Again thank you so much. Your supportive words have made me cry. I’m a very emotional sensitive little soul and just knowing at last someone gets me is so over whelming.
Our little one keeps me busy and gives me the strenghth to carry on. I’ve been down that road of anti depressants five years ago and again during this relationship. I’m not against any form of help but told myself I never wanted to go back down that route as I made many wrong decisions and lived in a bubble. I was constantly told that im weak for reaching out by the ex but I know first hand only strong people reach out and its the hardest thing to do. It takes courage. My dr did suggest I go back on them to help me through this very difficult time but I’ve managed to stay off them. Not necessarily a wise choice but one I wanted to make. I want to be in control of me, my emotions, feelings, pain etc as surely this can only make me stronger (talking souly of myself here) . Who knows there may come a point where I need to go back down that route but I’m using my counselling to help me through it.
Im 8 months down the line and if Im honest with myself and look at all the positives rather than the negatives (yes I’m still very negative) I have come a long long way a d achieved so much already all be some of it little changes. I’m being true to myself and digging deep within my own core to find me. On the surface I know what I am ie a very loving caring person, compassionate etc but I have always neglected myself and my own wants and needs as others happiness I always thought was more important than my own. I find it hard to say no and hate upsetting anyone. I have to realise that I can be selfish in a healthy way occasionally although it feels wrong. Ive spent my life trying to fix those I’m with hoping and praying they will change and be a better person in themselves rather than getting a kick out of hurting using and abusing others. I too am realising that I can’t fix anyone else. Only myself. Thats proving to be a very difficult task in itself. I need to learn to love me. Nurture myself and stop being so hard on myself. I’m not perfect and never claimed to be but I’ve always treated others with respect and all the ways I myself want to be treated.
This all sucks. It really does. Yes I’m amongst you survivors. I’ve shocked myself at just how strong I really am. I was constantly fed the lines you wont cope without me. Your end up comitting suicide. You need me. You will always love me. The sick list goes on but I have proved him wrong despite the trauma I’m left with. I’m slowly picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild my life and I have three beautiful children. How lucky am I.
I will post daily and appreciate having others around me that get me.
Thank you
The hardest part for me are the feelings of abandonment. And it magnifies my daughter and family not speaking to me although I have tried to reach out. The other hard part is the brainwashing of how he slowly isolated me and took me outta my own world. I even left my church I had been in since 1989! We were going to find a new one together but he never did. Well my pastor was one of the first people I got back in contact with. But I have such a long way to go. I still miss the jerk.
It does suck & your Soc sounds very sadistic & he belongs back in the sewer he came from!
WOW 8 months & look how far you have come already 🙂
You are doing a great job & you should be proud. I only take one anti-depressant before bed as it takes the edge off so,my mind doesn’t work overtime, especially in the early days after my discard. My story is on here under my tag Pheonix Rising. It’s a very different scenario as I had a high functioning Soc & had he not been exposed to me via the other woman I would probably be none the wiser. I am glad I’m out even though the revelation of what I had been dealing with was confronting 😦 My Soc was textbook but, he never criticised my looks etc…if anything he always said nice things. He demeaned me in the bedroom & with whispers when out that I was a slut etc…that he owned me,I was his possession. Yes I was & I had been groomed for many,many years 😦
I can relate to how you feel in regard to the war that goes on between your heart & head & the lies & manipulation does take it’s toll.
None of us deserve to be treated like we are items to be used,abused & taken for granted but,Soc’s love to take advantage of our good natures 😦
They use us against ourselves to undermine us & play with us, that’s their agenda & they feel powerful etc…the thrill they get is sickening.
Like you I am a people pleaser & want to make everyone happy. I take stuff others wouldn’t because I don’t value myself but, that is something I am learning to rebuild. We are valuable & deserve good,authentic love especially of ourselves. So keep looking in that mirror & look deep into your soul because you have a beautiful onel. Our Soc’s are soulless, that’s why they want to suck ours from us! Keep valuing yourself, everyday do some simple affirmations & believe them, write them down & read them. Do something for you everyday,allow yourself some time with the special person you are 😉
I’m in Australia so,might be some time delay but, I will be here for you when I can 🙂
Be Happy 🙂
PR xoxo
Again thank you sooo much.
xx
Hi,
Just checking in, how are you feeling today/night, not sure where in the world you are?
I hope you are feeling better & finding some relief in talking to others 🙂
Just be kind to yourself & stick to the healing recommended.
Your never alone
🙂 🙂 🙂
Good morning PR. Thank you for thinking of me. Im in the UK.
I’m doing my upmost to stay focused and positive. Every time he comes into my mind which is still more often than not I visulise a big pair of scissors and me cutting the rope to him trying to set myself free. (its not helping much though lol he stalks my thoughts seconds layer) This is all so tiring and a waste of my time. Having had his child I feel makes this harder and because everything is still very much in the air regarding contact issues and my concerns plus me having filed for divorce. I’m just waiting for the day when I am free (again I will never be totally because of our lo).
I cant express enough how much I just want this nightmare to end. He never gave a flying f**k about me when he was here and he definitely aint losing no sleep. Never did when I would be laying there all night tossing and turning crying myself to sleep whilst his head hit the pillow and was out for the count literally seconds later. Im almost certain he would get a buzz from me still after all these months struggling with all this. I’m almost certain also that I’m suffering with PTSD or a form of. Little things send me backwards. Songs on the radio, peoples names and places, my car (as he used to drive it and abused that too), the house (although there is nothing of his here) driving past where he is/was renting (I avoid as much as I can as it causes me to get really bad anxiety but without me having to go miles out my way to get somewhere I have to take that route) my counsellor said I shouldnt live in fear and definitely should not have to rearrange my journey because of that. She said the more you do it rather than avoid it it will get easier and for me to remember anxiety is a feeling/emotion but I’m not in any danger. Aww so so many triggers for me and it can put me straight back on my arse and can take me hours sometimes even days for me to stabilise myself again.
I just seriously cant get my head round how someone can treat another human being like this. I’m so worried and concerned that our lo will take after him. I just so dont want him manipulating and brainwashing our lo. Im constantly told kids are smartvand normally work things out for themselves eventually. Well I sure hope they do. I dont talk bad of him to our lo but I dont promote him either. Aaarrrgggghhhh my mind is going into one again. I just have sooo many concerns and I’m trying to heal myself at the same time. Ir makes me just want to run away but I know there would be no point as everything I’m carrying at the moment will follow me. So damn frustrating and soul destroying.
xx
Hi SD, said I’d check daily 🙂
I hope you are getting stronger & healing.
Take care.
PR x
Hi SD,
I am not surprised that you are so traumatised & having a young child as well, goes without saying that you would feel the way you do 😦
It is gut wrenching reading all you are going through as I feel so sad for you 😦
However I am hear to support you & hopefully help you feel a bit better?
I know how hard it is to bounce back when you have had so much but, if the past has taught us anything it is that we are survivors. I know when my marriage broke down, my ex ran off with the receptionist in our business & consequently we lost everything, home, cars, business etc…my kids were devastated. I had to start all over again & unfortunately then my Sociopath appeared! I thought here was my shiny knight except as time has shown he turned out to be a very dark knight 😦
Still here I am once again trying to rebuild my life piece by piece, bit by bit.
It’s amazing the mind games that have gone on & still we are left to try & understand how someone does this??? I think to understand we would have to be like them & I for one would never want to be like that. Your little one will be okay with your love & I can tell you are a good person because you are not badmouthing his father (although you have every right).
Innocent children should not have to suffer for our mistakes so, keep up the good work as you are doing a wonderful job. Focus all your energy onto yourself & the people closest to you, that’s all you can do for now. It’s a total train wreck but, it is survivable & even though your incredibly sad & disappointed about how it’s all turned out ,you will eventually put this behind you. You are getting help but, like me you may need something just to get you over the hump as you cannot do it all yourself & you cannot afford to hit rock bottom.
If you do only you & your children will suffer. Don’t let him break you down as you have come so far. You will beat this & sever the tie emotionally when your ready & able.
Unfortunately you have a child involved so, the Soc will always have a conduit to you 😦
Still you can take charge legally & have strict boundaries etc…If he sticks to your requests re visitation, support etc…you can stay in control of you 🙂
Make sure he doesn’t weaken you or try & manipulate you. Have it all done legally & professionally so that you know where you stand.
It’s a really shitty situation that your in but, the biggest shit is no longer in your bed so, breathe easy knowing that you are in control of you 😉
Be brave, you are a good Mum & person. Keep telling yourself you are worthy of much better 🙂
Stay in touch & don’t let the demons win!
PR xoxo
Good morning PR.
Again thank you yesterday for your words of support. I feel your pain also and wish I could do something to heal each and everyone of us. It just seems so wrong that us good people who have a conscience and a heart are taken advantage of and kicked to the curb left so damaged and drained and left to pick up the pieces of our lives. I’m still very much reliving it all. I keep going back to the person he was when we met despite him telling me how horriblehe had been in his past but would always blame the other person saying they deserved it and how mental they was and how good he was at minimising his past behaviours. I was sooo hooked. So vulnerable. So desperate to finally be happy and I remember saying to my friends his everything and more as to what I would like in a partner. I honestly couldnt beleive my luck. I always felt good things don’t happen to me. But look at me. No one could wipe that smile of my face and happy is an understatement. I so miss the person he was. Yes the fake one. That hurts so much. When his masked had slipped he would often tell me that his fake, we are fake and the only real thing in all this was our child.
I only got familiar with these types of people and disorders after he done a personality test on his phone. Most showed up red with high next to them. I had never heard of narcissism before or some of the others so thats when my research began and I could not beleive my eyes. I quite ofywn shared my findings with him and he would agree it definately sounded like him, but hey, I’m the only one who thinks he has a problem an no one else has picked up on this in his past. He would then call me mental, mad and crazy and call me a psycho. He kept telling me “your losing it girl”. I would of course argue this and tell him I’m not until he left me in a state where I was actually left questioning my own sanity and belief system etc. He always called me a mug. You know what. As hard as it is for me to actually except that statement. I was a mug for allowing all this crazy stuff to happen to me and allowing him treat me as he was. I put up with sooooo much because I wanted our marriage to work and to be the family unit he promised me we would be.
I’m left still going through all the emotions possible. I so don’t want this to ruin the rest of my life. I’m desperate to move on but know I have a long road ahead and also understand that only I can make that happen. I wouldnt wish this experience on my own worst enemy. I literally allowed this vampire/monster to suck the life and soul out of me. Yes. I allowed him to do this all to me. Why. Coz i Ioved him with every part of me. He had saved me from my depression and moulded me into what he wanted me to be for him and brainwashed me. Grrrr. Its so sad and sick and it is absolutely driving me round the twist as to why cant I let go!!!! I dont want him back in our lives but that doesn’t make me happy. Does that make sense?
I hope you are having a good day in yourself and I so appreciate the support.
Xx
Hi SD,
No one gives permission to be hurt so, you are not to blame ;(
It is your ability to forgive & have compassion for your Soc that allowed him to hurt & manipulate you so terribly.
The Soc sets out to break your heart because they don’t have one & are jealous that we do 🙂
They just take,take,take & we just give,give,give till it hurts then give some more.
Our love of them made us venerable because that’s what love does!
A Sociopath uses this to obtain what they want, need & desire.
This is never our fault, we have been used & abused & taken for granted.
No one deserves a Sociopath experience but, alas we have had one.
Now we know & have to rebuild our lives & forgive ourselves for the blindness we had because a good heart doesn’t see the bad ;(
Stay Strong, focus your energy onto yourself & your healing.
Try not to keep him in your mind or heart as it only gives him power over you.
Break the cycle if you can & if you must have contact, prepare yourself beforehand so,that you can shore up your resolve to keep him out.
Once he realises he cannot manipulate or control you he will game you over & over, don’t let him as the ending is always the same ;(
Be kind to yourself as you would be to a child 😉
Love & happiness to you ;0)
PR x
Again thank you PR.
I feel I have to take some of the blame at least because relationships takes two. I have beaten myself up with “well if I had just let him do xyz rather than put my feelings across about it then maybe it might of worked” but then I tell myself it would have ended the same way even I was to have said yes yes yes. He wanted the best of both worlds and for me personally that’s not exceptable when your married. He wanted everything for nothing and everything to go his way and in his favour. All I ever wanted was for him to truely love and respect me and to put our child and me first occasionally and to be a family. He was only ever happy when things were going his way and when I would put my foot down he would turn defensive and verbally abusive and use threatening words and behaviour just so I would change my mind which I did on many occassions in fear of losing him. The behaviours are almost like that of an infant when they cant get there own way. I have spent every penny on him as well as him getting me to take out a £5000 loan for a course promising he would pay me back. I never see a penny and have become blacklisted for the first time in my life. The debts been cleared now but has had a detrinental effect on me. His attitude was “its not my problem. If you think your gonna get any money of me than your more stupid than I thought. They cant take what you aint got and besides you have it covered now paying a pound a month” his had plenty of other money off me over the course of our relationship. Im one of these if you need it you can have it and he took and took. I paid for absolutely everything and at the time I never had a problem with it untill my little bit of money had all gone and he had started work. Resent fully psid the rent but what was left was his. I never asked him for anything. How bad is it thst im cutting coupons out of magazines just so I can afford a little shopping. Adding it up as I go around as not to overspend. So much for being supportive. It makes my blood boil. I am still today receiving his post as his not notified others of his change of address and most of these are all debt letters frim debts he ran up before we met and since we have split. It makes me sick. This is not in my eyes anyway him being a good roll model for our child. I have a jib and half to do my best to teach our lo morals and respect for others. Im going for cranualsacral therapy tomorrow to see if if helps me out a bit. I’m just so desperate to overcome this. I don’t wanna feel like this no more. Im still looking for the switch. Lol.
Hope you’ve had a good positive day in yourself xx
Hi SD, 🙂
I am really good 🙂 but, I sometimes slip back a bit but, then I remember that the person I cared for was an illusion & the one behind the mask is real. That makes it easier for me to separate my feelings so, that I can stay focused on my healing 😉
Unlike you I don’t have a child that ties me to my Soc so, it’s much harder for you.
Whilst we have both experienced Soc torture it’s very different & we each have our own story that we have to try & process & hopefully one day put well behind us 🙂
I think anything you do to help yourself recover is a good idea. I have found myself looking within rather than trying to figure out how or why my Soc behaves. I am resigned tot he fact that these people exist & don’t care who or how much they damage. it’s just a means to an end for them.
So on that note I am digging deep to understand myself & my motivations because, as you said it takes two but, I never approached my relationship with my Soc with an agenda as he did. 😦
I was extremely vulnerable when he came into my life after years (19) of abuse from my ex-husband so, like you I displayed PTSD which I never treated. I then went another 10 years down with the Soc playing games so, I have found it all rather exhausting.
I never did the healing the last time so, I will make sure I do it this time around as it’s been a hard awakening but, a lesson I obviously need!
I know that my self worth has undermined me so, yes I never really valued myself from a very young age for various reasons which I now know has set me up for a lifelong battle with abusive & very damaging people 😦
I turn 50 next week so, I am starting to rebuild myself & hopefully will be wiser, happier, healthier (mentally & physically) & that I can help others eventually through as well 🙂
I wish you continued good health & healing. 🙂
Be careful not to get too bogged down with finding the rhyme or reasons for what has happened especially as Soc’s are on these blogs also & get off on our stories….focus on the healing, share if your comfortable but, only if you feel some release from the burden.
Sometimes the sharing just reinforces it back onto you again & makes you feel worse?
Sometimes unloading helps which is fabulous. Distinguish between the two as you will then start to move forward in your healing.
You can purge all you like here but, just make sure it’s helping 😉 😉
Your doing a great job, just hang in there as time is the only healer & it doesn’t have a deadline. It’s taken a great deal of time & energy to get here & it’s going to do the same in reverse. Time & energy!
Take care of yourself & the rest will follow.
Love & strength to you 😉
PR xoxo
Again thank you PR x
I have today had my therapy and you know what. I for the first time in a long long time feel at peace with myself and the thoughts have stopped racing through my mind. I feel rejuvenated and empowered and very distant to the pain confusion and upset I have been feeling right up to the point whete I got on the couch for my therapy to begin. I’m here in the present day now which for me is fantastic. One day at a time. Being loyal loving nurturing and kind to myself. Im still healing but it somehow feels I have been desensitised.
Its so exciting. I’ve actually laughed today which is a first for a ling time and it actually felt so good.
Hoping you have had a good positive day also. xx
Hi SD,
Have a great day?night, just checking in 🙂
BE HAPPY 🙂
PR xoxo
I am sooo pleased 🙂
I did Mindfulness Cognitive Behavioural Therapy & it really helped 🙂
I also went to the movies recently to see ‘The Heat’, really hilarious so, go if you haven’t already?
Keep Laughing, smiling & be happy.
Look how far we made it already 🙂
xoxo
Good morning PR
Thank you for your continued support.
Hoping you have a positive day. Glad to hear youe cbt has helped you in your journey. Every little bit helps.
I’ll have a look into that film. Thank you. Need a good laugh 🙂
Speak soon. Take care. Big hugs. xx
Thank you SD, you sound like you are feeling better 🙂
I am good & going to the gym 3 times a week & staying focused on healing.
I don’t find myself obsessing over the details of all the lies & motivations of my Soc as much anymore.
I realise that no amount of understanding will change the effect these awful people have on us & we can only get revenge by having a good life.
We owe it to ourselves to live our best life possible 🙂
Big Hugs back to you & your little one 🙂
Stay strong & happy 😉
PR xoxo
Its good your focusing on yourself and able to get to the gym. They say exercise is good for the body soul and mind. I’m restricted because of finances and the little one.
I’ve noticed since my therapy that I’m not looking and asking myself all the ifs buts and whys anymore and feel pretty numb towards him. I feel the emotional tie has been cut wgich is fantastic but I will saymI’m fretting a bit abput what happens next because there is still alot for me to deal with regarding the divorce and child contact issues and it is leaving me feeling quite anxious. Our child is a life long commitment and my concerns regarding any contact and the welfare and wellbeing of our lo is still very much of a concern to me and safety etc is paramount to me. The therapy hasn’t resolved them issues for me as they are and will be ongoing for years to come and something I cant control the outcome of apart from making sure all safety measures are put and kept in place.
Apart from that which is bad enough in itself I have definately benefited from that therapy regarding the inhumane I have been treated. Its always going to be there but like so many others here I am definately a survivor and taking one day at a time and your so right. They would hate to see us happy again and living a blissful life without them. We don’t NEED them as they made us beleive we did. They NEED us and a stable flow of supply just in order for them to breath. We are breathing freely and I don’t have anyone directly beside me or feeding me. I’m alone doing this for myself and by myself. Looking deep within me and nurturing, guiding, loving and careing for me.
It is an awful thing for anyone to have to go though but we are better people for it. It is sad though that families fall apart because of these vampires and marriages break down and poor innocent children are all caught up in it. Its not their fault and never asked for any of this but neither did we coz had we known what we were dealing with marriage and children would certainly not have been on the agenda.
Just glad I’m still around and not ten feet under. Who knows what would have happened if I had stuck around longer. xx
Hi SD,
I am so pleased to hear you sounding a little less defeated 🙂
It’s a hard slog & for you even harder because of your child & pending divorce etc… 😦
Have a look at psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com it has some great articles on Soc’s etc…I found it helpful along with this blog 🙂
I am a single mother & have been doing it hard for many years as my ex husband has never been a good financial support. I maintain a relationship with him for the sake of my two children.
My daughter (20) did not speak t her father for 7 years & is only talking to him if the need arises at social gatherings etc…He see’s our son (15) regularly if he can but, my ex has problems & lives with a agoraphobic partner so, have invited more problems into his life 😦
My ex walked out 10 years ago with the receptionist in our business & we lost everything.
I lost my home, car, & my husband all at the same time & the business folded 😦
I had to relocate & start from scratch, which has been tough but, sink or swim & I’m a swimmer 🙂
I turn 50 on Monday so, am looking forward to a new beginning which I’ve already started because of my experience with the Soc that entered my life as my husband left it 😦
I wish I had never met the Soc as I would have done things differently but, no point looking back as I cannot change the past. 😦
I am finding the money to go to the gym as I really wanted to feel good & keep busy as the endorphin’s that exercise release is helpful, not to mention I feel better about myself 🙂
My Soc left me with a few health issues that I cannot disclose on here but, I have comes to terms with that also & am remaining healthy in the mind, body & the soul 🙂
I will do everything I can to rise above & I am very fortunate that I have a wonderful family & beautiful friends so, I am well supported in that regard 🙂
I want you to know that you will overcome this & I will support you anyway I can 🙂
I am only an email etc…away & I can tell you are a wonderful, caring, loving lady & you are going to get through all of this crap.
You owe it to yourself & your little one, you weren’t put on this earth to be treated badly & that is not your fault.
Believe in yourself, look deeply into why you accepted poor treatment ( I had to admit to myself that I didn’t love myself enough because of past abuse so, I kept taking the crap).
Not anymore though 🙂
We will get there but, it’s hard & bloody painful.
I know we can do it, we have survived so much.
Now we have to love ourselves enough to get better & heal fully & indeed have a peaceful,
blissful life & we will face whatever challenges that will still crop up to block our way!
Talk soon, be happy, smile because you have a friend on the other side of the world who cares what happens to you 🙂
Love & a big cuddle to the little one 🙂
PR xoxox
Hello PR.
You certainly have been through alot in your life and I really feel for you. To have lost all you did and have to pick up all the pieces of that with two childrenin tow also thats horrendous and then when you clearly was still very vulnerable your soc took advantage of that and sucked you in.
You are a very strong woman to have pulled yourself through all this all be it an ongoing journey of your own recovery.
Turning 50 and birthday on monday. Oh congratulations. I do hope you have something special in mind to celebrate this. Something for you. You certainly have come a very long way and you are an inspiration to me and no doubt many others.
Why have I picked up with such men?? My childhood was full of love and kindness. I was nurtured and supported so why all this shit in my adult life. I do know that within myself I have never really truly loved myself and I have always put others before myself. As my ex always used to say to me. “Your toooo nice” sorry I can’t help that. Id rather be nice and kind than a heartless bitch but having said that where has it got me. Ive excepted this kind of behaviour from my own husband but would have walked away a long time ago had this been a so called friend. Where’s the logic in that. I’ve alwsys under valued my self worth and made many sacrafices for others at a dear price to myself. This has taught me a lesson and that is I do need to give myself more credit. Value myself and worth and learn to love me and care about me as I have always cared for others more. I’d like to think this will make me a stronger person. I’ve never been strong and have surprised myself that I’ve managed to come this far. I’ve always been anything for an easy life but have sacraficed my own true happiness in the process.
Love can be so cruel. I can honestly say despite the way my husband treated me I loved him with every part of me. I put up with alot. Tolerated far too much because I loved him with all my heart and held on to that bit of hope that just maybe one day he would wake up and be the man I intially fell in love with. What a shocker when things just get worse and worse and finally because of the way he was I had to say NO MORE. He wanted out as soon as our lo was born. I feel id served my purpose but it took me to actually get him out coz he threatened it all the time but never followed it through. That’s obe of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Let someone you love go because its in your best interest and for your own safety.
Again thank you for your support. Means alot. I hope you have had a positive day. Take care and big hugs. xx
Hi SD,
You are incredibly strong to have realised that you had to let go of the person you loved in order to save yourself…WOW…don’t ever underestimate the depth of power that this act alone took!
Your amazing really 🙂
I got the your too nice line also, from both my ex husband & my Soc as if it was a fault???
Like you I don’t see niceness or kindness as a fault but, rather a strength 🙂
I was told by my Grandfather that “some people see kindness as weakness & will use it against you”, wise words that have haunted me for many years.
I am lucky that my really true allies don’t use it against me but, obviously our enemies do & have!
I am looking forward to turning the big 50 & looking at it as a turning point which I intend to make the most of 🙂
I have a wonderful group of friends so, Tomorrow am off out to a life coaching seminar that a girlfriend has arranged.
On Fri some other girlfriends have arranged a get together (I said I didn’t expect anything) but, they insist. Sunday am off to stay in the city, (Melbourne where I live) in a plush hotel with my best friend my MUm.
Then off to a High Tea. Then after that off to see King Kong a stage production with a massive animaltronic Gorilla….then back to the hotel for dinner with my gorgeous daughter & then more friends on Monday.
Then out again later in the week with other friends….then lunch with my oldest girlfriends from school next Sunday the 11th (phew).
I am incredibly blessed with the most amazing friends & family so, I may not have great luck with men but, what I lack there I make up for tenfold with friends. 🙂
I want you to remember that you will always find a friend when you need one here 🙂
& I hope you have gathered yours where you are,around you at this time?
Keep being strong, you truly have come a long way 🙂
We have & will move through this I promise you that 🙂
Love to you & Big Hugs for the LO 🙂
xoxo
Happy Birthday PR. Hope you have a lovely day. Big hugs. xx
Thank You SD 😉
I had an amazing birthday & am now really inspired to put the past behind me once & for all.
This birthday was a watershed mark for me so, I intend to take the lesson’s I’ve learned, especially from my Soc & create a better, more positive life 🙂
Wish me luck as I wish it for you also.
I hope you are feeling stronger & healthier every day.
This type of abuse can be very damaging but, we owe it to ourselves & our loved ones to rise above it. It is survivable & we can do it 😉
I have two very dear friends battling life threatening conditions so, I need to appreciate just how lucky I really am.
Our Soc’s came into our lives to lead us to a higher path & I for one am determined to find me because,like you I’m worth the fight 🙂
Please let me know how you are travelling & if I can help you somehow?
Stay in touch.
Big hugs to you & the LO 😉
xoxo
Hi SD,
Just checking to see how your traveling 🙂
I hope your well & strong 🙂
Be Happy xoxo
PR 🙂
First of all; why the fuck did you stay with him for so long. You knew he was bullshitting, why the fuck believe him when he says he’s sorry? And anyway, you’re lucky he wasn’t a smart one. Though, I think he was a psychopath, not a sociopath.
I’m schizoid, witch is real close to sociopathy, and I’ve never caused harm to anyone. (Okay, maybe axcept for my mother and the people I dislike). I just don’t feel emotions.
Not all sociopaths are evil. There are many subtypes of sociopaths (about 10), and only one (the sadistic type), really enjoys harming people. And your guy wasn’t that type. Sociopaths view people as objects. Not as something they want to harm, but as something they want to use.
I, for example, rarely feel guilt or remorse (that’s why I’m schizoid and not a sociopath, I /do/ feel emotions when I chose to), even when my grandfather died, i felt nothing. My best friend was in trouble (and I know her for my entire life), and i didn’t care. I didn’t feel any sympathy. But i lestened to her and helped her. Does that make me a bad person? Nope.
Also, reading your story, i felt no sympathy or empathy. I enjoyed it, tbh. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t because what happened to you made me happy; I don’t care. But a good story is a good story.
If you weren’t so.. acceptable of his behavor, nothing would have happened. He did what he did, you did what you did. It’s both your fault. You have a brain, you have logic, use it. Don’t count on feelings, they will lead you nowhere. And that’s a friendly advise from a schizoid woman 😉
Hey schizoid woman 🙂
No, he wasn’t sadistic. The one before him was though. I didn’t write it for sympathy or empathy. I wrote it as people asked me to?! For a long time there was no story.
What brought you to this site? Have you been dating a sociopath?
Hello there. Wasn’t waiting for a reply so soon.
Never said you did, never asked why. But okay.
I was.. Bored. It’s 3.00am where I am, there’s not much to do that late. And no, I haven’t, though I do have some “friends” sociopaths.
Three years ago I was happy, confident, successful, making six figures…and too trusting after coming out of an engagement. I remember agreeing to a date with my ex-SP after meeting him online and thinking “He’s not that cute but by his profile he seems really funny and like a good guy”. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!!!! He knew all the right things to say…and I can only say this looking back now. He was a charmer and I remember leaving the date thinking “Fate sent me what I have been looking for my whole life”. On the second date we ended up at the casino after dinner (SP’s are likely to gamble and be promiscuous) and I would continue to see a person who both power and money hungry though he continued to lose more money than he would win. And the sex…I thought it at the time to be SO amazing because he wanted it all the time and it made me feel so wanted and attractive but looking back it lacked intimacy as he rarely kissed me and it was “super quick”. About two months in the controlling behaviors began and at first I thought it was because he cared. But slowly he turned me against my boss, my co-workers, my family and friends. The mind games started slowly too…he would make a promise and then fail to keep it. He would tell me about clients of his that liked him and had these huge crushes on them. How he was going to marry me and start a family. In 3 months of dating he had me hooked and I thought I was going to marry him. I took him on vacation for his birthday and invited him over to my parents and they loved him immediately as he said all the right things. Had them laughing and acted like a total gentlemen. And then that mask started to fade as he became bored with the newness of the relationship.
Then the abuse and lies began. One minute I was beautiful the next I was being humiliated in public as I needed a tummy tuck and a boob job. Never being jealous, he started bringing up other girls, including one whose brother owned a business. And he started making me jealous intentionally and breaking promises and then telling me I was crazy when I brought it up. And I did start feeling like I was crazy and I now realized he was never able to empathize with things I would bring up regarding his behavior. He would just walk away or ignore it. He started telling me things his friends would say about me as enjoyed pinning people against one another. Power and money were his thing- don’t you know who this friend is “first and last name” and this client has X amount in the bank. He’d use my credit cards when we went out and he’d promise to be home at night only to be at the casino until 4:30 in the morning. Going to strip clubs with clients. He turned me against my dad and I believed what he said. He started telling me I was worthless, that no one would want to marry me and that I was crazy and jealous. And please note I am only at he tip of the iceberg when discussing all of this; there is so much stuff that happened I could write a book on it. Anyways I was an object to him…his words continued to become more vicious and I found him raising a hand to slap me in an argument and then grabbing my arm. Those cold eyes- so sinister and so void of any feeling.
I didn’t know it at the time but he had all these other girls on the side. During the course of the abuse I had began drinking to ease the anxiety. After a year he threw me out like a piece of trash. No remorse and no guilt and no explanation; and I believed it was all my fault. Like I was nothing and had served my purpose. But not before having me settle my credit cards and ruining my credit as he assured me the companies would settle (again lies and deception) after having run them up. I was beyond devastated, my heart broken into a million tiny pieces. I felt as if my world had ended. Believing I had a problem I ended up in rehab only to be discharged two days later. And I had to leave my job because he had put someone who worked for him up to slandering my character to my boss. And that client of his who was so wealthy; he was now dating his sister. I loved him and remember feeling like my whole world had shattered. All my confidence was gone and I believed he was the best I could get. And I kept crying and telling people how much I wanted him back and that I loved him and now one else ever could. I was in such denial about the whole thing that it took me year after the relationship ended to admit there was some abuse and now, another year later I am coming to terms with his SP because he did come back and played with my head again; this time pinning me against this girl, telling me how she couldn’t have kids and slandering her left and right and when I brought up the whole money thing- oh yes see he know holds a position of authority at her brother’s business hence MONEY AND POWER- he didn’t say ONE SINGLE WORD. And he’s still with her though they break up all the time and he has “all these girls that want him” and that she has changed him. Well I made a mistake and slept with him a few months back and this time I saw through the callousness. He hadn’t changed ONE BIT and he never will. And I am only know coming to understand that.
Today I am now starting to deal with the pain and find myself in anger as I wasted two years after the relationship ended going back and forth-it’s a game to them and they prey until they win and then destroy or prey until they ruin. A SP is never done with us…that’s why CUTTING OFF CONTACT COMPLETELY IS CRUCIAL. I finally blocked his number and his texts through my phone carrier because I need my sanity. He ruined me emotionally and financially as I found myself crying this evening worried that my next employer will deny me employment because of my credit. I feel like getting back on track work wise is the next right step but now I have fears. Fears that I never had before. And I am not at all confident and question every single person. I have very little trust. I have bad credit. I have very little money. I question whether anyone will marry me or have a child with me because of my credit. All because I fell in love with an SP…and while I believe I can rebuild I desperately miss the person I once was and am just now beginning to find her again little by little.
I am sorry if this post was too long but I feel like I can be accepted here…and I am sharing my story in hopes that I can save someone else so full of life the havoc that I, once so full of life have experience.
The only thing that bothers me about this site is the constant use of “HE” as if sociopaths are all men! I have been abused by female sociopaths who were liars, manipulators and general abusers. I am sorry that the assumption is that only men are sociopaths. There is so little information printed to help men who have come into contact with these animals. Sadly I have never known a good woman. All of them have been liars and generally follow the same pattern you have outlined on your website. It’s very upsetting to me read some of the material on this site. I end up feeling angry with a desire to get revenge on those animals who hurt me. It really hurts but unlike women, a man has next to no one to talk to about these kinds of experiences. It’s too bad most online ‘self help’ articles are directed to help support women. This also infuriates me. The world is not so one sided. but perhaps if people were properly educated on the fact that women can be criminals and abusers too. Perhaps people may be able to better protect themselves from this monsters.
There is one who continues to write me. She claims that i am ‘stalking her’ despite the fact that I do not write, call or anything. She is crazy. I have kept to the no contact rule. It is almost as if she is trying to suck me back in my trying to provoke me to reply so she can use my response to validate her claim that I am stalking her. Since the laws are written for women in this country. She could very well have a plan to harm me and reputation through more lies. I had another woman try this with me. She claimed that I called her and tried to communicate with her friends. This was a blatant lie. When I responded to her I explained that I made no effort to contact her friends and I told her to leave me alone. I do not think she expected me to write that. It threw a wrench in her plan to try and discredit and vilify me in other people’s eyes. These sociopaths are masters of tricks. I have also noticed that many feel a general sense of superiority. These women I was with used sob stories to make me feel sorry for them. Often the stories revolved around abusive boyfriends. But in the end they would declare that I was no better. Everything would be okay until the day I’d actually show some level of aptitude for anything or would have an opinion. Then I would become the ‘bad’ man. It was always the same story. When I’d leave these women then come the hateful emails, the texts. The comments about how worthless I am. How I am not just worthless to them but how I am worthless to other women too. They always would go the extra mile to try and make me feel as badly as possible. I put up the the stupid guy stuff. I was always the dumb one, the loser, lazy, poor . etc. They would make so many judgements. Everyman in the world is better than me. no matter how low he may be. They are still better. I can’t tell you how hurt I became. I still struggle with sad feelings after being abused by these animals for so long. I have been used financially, emotionally. I I really cared and gave a lot of myself to these women. The women go about being very provocative. Always taking photos of themselves in sexy clothes and showing off their bodies. Each one of them has tried to show me how sexy they are and how much power they have over men. It is just all so crazy. However because I have never met a good woman. My perception of women has been damaged. Perhaps forever. I do not trust women at all. I have a hard time seeing them as human beings with the same emotions as men. I often see women as uncaring, emotionless creatures. I see them as things that are motivated by money and status. I do not believe that women really care about men. I struggle every day with these feelings. I have been hurt very deeply and unlike women I have no one to talk to. There is no support. People just laugh and blame me for getting involved with these women. That hurts a lot also. I want to get to a point where I see woman as living beings. But right now it is very difficult for me. I guess the walls are so high, so strong can’t get my mind to change. Its a side affect of being hurt for so long. When I see a woman I just see another liar, another abuser. A woman would have to be pretty genuine to convince me that she is not like all of the others. But most women are not going to prove to men that they are okay. In this society since men are perceived as bad by default. men often have t otry and convince women that they are okay. The woman doesnt have to do anything except sit and judge. This is what allows female sociopaths to get away wit htheir crimes. I hate them. I hate them all.
i need to get my story out. Maybe it will relieve some of the pain I’m going thru. I need to build a support group in a serious way.
First of all, I’m learning that I was a prime candidate for a psychopathic person to select. I come from a very dysfunctional family and 90% of the time my parents were disowning me for some reason or another. They were very physically and verbally/emotionally abusive. In fact, at the time I met my ex I was estranged from the family, although he didn’t know until after we got together.
He moved in about a month after we got together. We were both reeling, head over heels, and knew we were perfect for each other. We discussed getting married, and figured at our age, length of time made no difference, we both were old enough to know what we wanted. He was 49 and I was 46 at the time.
He was so affectionate. So kind. So loving. He had my back in all things. I was even in my last semester of my MBA program and he encouraged me along the way.
About a month after he moved in I went out of town to see my daughter for 5 days. He and I were constantly texting and “missing” each other. But the weekend after I got back we took a road trip to take him to his new job. He was a truck driver at the time and needed to pick up his semi. On the way my family started calling and freaking out bc his ex gf had been contacting them and saying he was dangerous and violent. Some of her stories were hard to believe ie, he broke her ribs, told her he would take her mixed breed adopted “nigger” child and hang him like a piñata.
Anyway he sat there beside me with a look of pure shock and amazement that his ex gf would be “stalking him and trying to ruin his life”. He was so emotional and thanking me for being the only person who has ever trusted him and had faith in him. He simply loved the fact that I had a compassionate caring heart and seeking God.
A few months later my daughter was in town over her birthday, July 4th. We decided to have a cookout and invite the family. My parents had allowed me back into the fold upon hearing he existed-probably out of shear nosiness. But we had the family over anyway.
My daughter asked if her dad could stop by for a few minutes to see our only grandchild who was 1yr at the time. We told her it was fine. But when he arrived my boyfriend stayed outside by the grill. My ex husband went out to introduce himself and left within ten minutes. When he left my bf was a total jealous raging lunatic! He stormed out of the house. Called a cab to take him 30 miles to stay in his semi. He literally broke up w me and left me humiliated and broken hearted. I was stupid enough to beg and plead in the front yard telling him nothing was going on w me and my ex but he refused to listen. I was crushed.
The next day he called and wanted to talk. I had found he had been online since he first moved in and was looking for women in other cities that he drove to. He told me he did that in the beginning in case he and u didn’t work out. We talked things thru n he came back home. Only when he went out in the road for that week he hardly answered his phone anymore. Then a month later he tells me that he’s been talking to someone else! We both cried over the phone and he wanted me to come meet him at the truck stop so we could talk. He professed he wanted me and truly loved me more than anything if I would only trust him again. So he came home for the weekend like usual.
A few weeks later I had a strange feeling in my stomach the Monday I dropped him off at his truck. I looked at the phone records and noticed he was still talking and texting somebody. I called a number. There were many but God gave me the right one to call. The girl answered an I found out that the moment I dropped him off that morning she had picked him up and brought him to her house!
I confronted him and he confessed he made a huge mistake. He said he knew when he got to her place that something was wrong and he shouldn’t be there. Almost like a spiritual influence was making him sick. And his dispatch called needing him right away so he had her take him back to his truck within the first 5 min. Once again I believed he learned his lesson
and hung in there.
I would add that all this time his ex gf was stalking and harassing us and my family. He would never change his number. He just kept arguing like it was fun. I’ve seen him get drunk and fall apart hitting rock bottom. But I guess it was all fake. I’ve seen him cry like he had an emotional spiritual experience while with me. But that was probably all fake too.
It wasn’t too long after this girl that I found more numbers on the phone bill. I called one again. This time it was a man. Long story short this guy was texting while my bf was on the road. He told me my bf was gay. I couldn’t believe it!! OMG!!! I could NOT believe that one.
I decided to do some research and called his sister who lived outta state. She asked me if he was taking his meds. I was shocked bc he had no meds. I was informed that he supposedly had a bipolar condition. When I confronted him about this he told me that he was truly the definition of crazy and had an antisocial personality. He told me that simply meant that he withdrew and isolated from people for about 4-5 days and most women in his past could not deal with that. He explained how he had a hard time trusting women b/c they had all cheated on him, etc. I never looked up the term antisocial so I did not know it meant he was diagnosed as a socio/psychopath. It makes sense though b/c he was always telling me things like, “you don’t know me”, and he would jokingly tell me to “straighten up” as if I was this bad person always doing something wrong. One of the times he left he said it was b/c I left a spot around the shower when I cleaned. He expected me to always have a manicure and pedicure, and highlight my long hair. It was as if he was trying to make himself into this upper class. Not that I’m a low life, but I am a tomboy at heart. I do have my nails and hair done when I can afford it, but not weekly! He was very OCD with things around the house, and with all the insults and comments he constantly made me feel like I was this white trashy ghetto person. He would never “explain” what was wrong with me, just told me if I couldn’t figure it out, then he couldn’t help me.
But back to the story….my cousin by marriage happened to call me and my bf got extremely jealous saying he wanted in my pants. His excuse was that we were not blood related. Then one night we went out with my sister and brother in law to meet up with my cousin and my bf got too drunk. He would drink 9-10 beers if he drank one b/c he couldn’t stop. That night he probably had at least 12 or more. He saw my cousin talking to me and went crazy! He started this huge fight and we headed home. My sister, brother in law and niece followed. They saw him try to jump out of the car, he grabbed the steering wheel into oncoming traffic and tried to veer the car off the highway. When we got home he took out walking to his truck and slept there overnight.
Needless to say my sister and others told my parents and the next day everyone was against him. They started digging into his past and contacted the girl who had been harassing us. I don’t know what proof or what was said b/c nobody ever provided anything, but they disowned me again that day b/c we didn’t break up.
Each time he came home he was more loving and caring than the time before, and he always cried and said, “you know I always love you.” He would hug me and hold me like he was afraid to let me go. But over the next several weeks the family issues were an excuse for him to belittle everyone and have me stay away permanately. But we got into a huge fight again a month later and I was headed to a group counseling session to see if I could figure things out. He had called a friend and basically scared everyone into thinking I was trying to kill myself, just b/c he knew I was hurt and upset. I stopped by my house on my way to my group session and my mom, sister and niece were there. I didn’t know what was going on at the time. All I know is I was disowned so I wondered why they were there. When I stepped out of the car my niece came up and punched me in the face several times. My glasses flew out into the street and my sister had to pull her away. I wasn’t about to hit a 20 yr old and go to jail for it. But my mom called the police and she and my niece told them I was schizophrenic and trying to kill myself. The ambulence came and my blood pressure was like 224 over 180 or something crazy like that. It was in stroke range.
My niece had ripped her shirt open before they got there so with so many people against me, the younger cop handcuffed me and put me in the back of his car. My family laughed as he walked me passed their vehicles. He took me to a mental hospital where I was signed in by the police and treated as a criminal for 3 days and nights. I had no visitors, no calls. I called my bf every chance I got. He was still on the road and assured me he would get me home and we would be okay. I had 2 friends come pick me up the day I got out, and on the way home they pulled over to tell me that he had moved out the night before. They didn’t want me coming home to an empty house after all I had been through. They also had to tell me my beloved dogs were gone. But we found them at the city pound.
Anyway, he had moved out, went to a Motel 6. The next day his truck was dead and he called me. He told me where he was and I went to help, b/c he didn’t know anybody else in Texas at the time. When he saw me he broke down crying and the hugging began again. He didn’t want to lose me and wanted to come home. I was mentally distraught after what my mother had done to me and I knew he was all I had. He felt like the problem was his being on the road and that was making him lonely, so we went and cleaned out his semi that day and he quit his job. He found another right away as a store manager.
But when he came home, he left yet AGAIN. In face we were remodeling the bathrooms and he went to Home Depot. I found apartment information where he had been planning to move out any day. I didn’t understand this b/c he had just come back! Since he was caught again, he left to a different Motel 6 and stayed until he moved into a furnished weekly apt. He stayed gone and silent for 2 weeks, then once again begged to come home.
I know I’m stupid in allowing him so many chances. Truth of it is, I know how weak I was after what my family had done. He took advantage of that. And, I did love him. He was very manipulative and convincing. But he came back again and stayed for about 3 more months, then moved into a 6 month apt. I thought that was the end of things, but I was angry by this time. I contacted the ex gf who had been talking to my family and she showed me his profile on a gay website in Indiana. I was able to sign into his email accounts still and found his new address. Of course we fought when I found him. But worse than that, I found he had profiles on transsexual sites and other adult sex only sites as well. I even saw a profile where he posted a naked picture of himself from his new apartment!!!
I was so violently sick. I threw up over and over!!! And of course this angered me even more so I took copies to the store where he was manager and left them in the hands of his assistant telling her he left a few things at the house when he moved out. I know it was wrong, but I sure felt vindicated for a moment! He was humiliated and never went back to that store. He turned his keys in to another location. Then he played on my good heart and made me feel guilty b/c he had no income and couldn’t pay his bills. So, like an idiot, I helped him stay afloat. This was around the summer months of 2012. And because of his hardship we never actually stopped seeing each other while he was in that apartment. In fact, my dad died that August, of which I missed the last 6 months of his life due to my mom. My bf was somewhat support when he died, but I never really got to grieve b/c I was too busy trying to help him find a job. He moved back to the house in August/September and his lease was to be up at the end of November. 2 weeks before it ended, he disappeared again! Then he made the excuse he got cold feet and wanted me to help him move the rest of his things back to the house.
We finished moving his stuff in on November 30 and on December 1 he had a massive heart attack. It was the kind where most people do not survive, and technically if it wasn’t for me, he would not still be here. Through all of that he told the hospital I was his wife. From that point until now (2 weeks ago, July 19, 2013) he was the perfect boyfriend. I never saw him online, although I secretly checked. He could have been, but I just never found it. He had a new job and was doing quite well. We were building our lives together. We bought appliances, a pool, installed a new water heater and other major purchases. He worked on the yard and lived like a true family man. But he started smoking pot after hiring this hooch for his store. She was married for 21 years, but she chased my bf from day 1. He and I always talked about it too. He knew she was chasing him. He eventually fell for it and apparently they had some sort of affair for a while – although neither admits to sleeping together. In fact, she called me begging for forgiveness b/c she wanted her husband back and she would go before her church confessing what had happened but also assuring everyone that she did not sleep with him. But the damage was done, b/c this time he had moved out for her a mere 2 days before she wanted her husband back.
So here I am, today, alone, angry, hurt, confused, etc. I’ve been turned into the cops for so-called harassment just b/c I called to ask what the heck was going on. In fact, the cop called me and I told him how I came home on a Friday night and the house was empty. How I didn’t even know where he moved to, and he has changed his number. It didn’t matter that they do drugs at the store or violate policy for seeing his employee. I was fortunate that the cop dropped the complaint. But I know my bf only used the cops as a fear tactic b/c of what my mom had done in the past. Anyway, I admit right now I am probably a sick person b/c I miss him so bad. I read all this and remember all he’s done and I think, How Could I Keep Taking This? I’m smarter than this!! But my heart keeps breaking and I don’t understand that. I try to logically think the reason is b/c I never had love from my parents/family and now they even have my daughter not speaking to me so I literally have nobody in my life other than my bf, or ex bf.
I cry every day and I’ve seen him on dating sites looking for someone to replace me. It hurts like hell. Some days I’m better than others b/c I think he will never be human and if I take him back it will only get worse. But then I’m upset b/c he is using the deliberate silence method to keep me hurting and it makes me feel so much more unwanted; especially since my family have tossed me aside too. Sometimes I’m strong enough to think I deserve better. Then other times I need to email him and beg him to work this out; it’s like my heart/head seems to forget he’s a psychopath and nothing will ever be real. It feels like a dream and I keep hoping he does have feelings and emotions since I can remember seeing glimpses of a real person in him.
All I know is I cannot feel anything at this point in time. I have nobody and there are times I can’t even breath it hurts so bad. Other times I want to smash his face in b/c he makes me sick!! There are other things he has put me through, but by now you are all probably tired of reading this and thinking I must be crazy for allowing him to do this to me. Well you know what? You’re right! I was crazy for allowing it! He’s a master manipulator and he definitely has a hold on me. I can only pray for spiritual ties with him to be broken. And I know only God can heal me from this. Yet, I still wish he would hurt as bad as I do, but then if I wish that upon him that makes me as evil as he is, and I never want to become like him.
Some of the awful things he said to me were the usually name so Pig, Nasty, Skank, the C word, etc. He even told me one time to buy a gun and take a video of me blowing my brains out so he could see it. He said I take up too much oxygen and shouldn’t be allowed to live since my own family and daughter don’t want me. He can be very vicicious. I will confess that the worse thing I did was take those copies to his store, and I also emailed them out to his family. Of course that just made me the most evil person on the planet b/c he tends to forget what all he did to me that pushed me over the edge for that kind of revenge. Sad thing is, I’m not a revengeful person. I fully believe God is the avenger and I should leave everything alone, but he makes me so darn angry and I hurt so much I seem to turn into this tormented person who wants to make him hurt too. Thankfully, there’s been NC for about 10 days now and my head can settle a little bit. If not for my job I think I would go crazy, pack up and disappear. But seriously, at this point I don’t know if I will ever be the same, or how I feel. The abuse from family is bad enough and the hurt from my daughter as well…now I find the past 3 years were all fake?!!!!! I don’t know how I will recover from all this….although I do have a counselor who has used EMDR and for family stuff it helped. I just still struggle with my child and my psychopath.
OMG Judahug,
What a nightmare you have been through & SURVIVED!!!
Yes YOU have Survived!!! You should be proud of yourself for overcoming sooo much & you are still standing 🙂
You are an incredible person to have endured so much & you OWE it to yourself to fight/crawl etc…back Please 🙂
Please, Please start loving yourself as this is what you must now do 🙂
You will find it hard but, it is worth the effort, YOU ARE WORTH YOUR EFFORT 🙂
We are hear & will help you but, as we all know only you can DO THIS 🙂
It’s a mammoth task & you must find all the positive support that you can garner.
Don’t worry about repairing your relationships until you are repairing yourself.
Then you will be strong enough to perhaps mend some bridges.
You must have No Contact as you will eventually be drawn back into the dark world once again & you don’t belong there 😦
Start small but, start today & do one thing for yourself.
Wrap your arms around yourself & hold tight, love yourself 🙂
We are thinking of you & sending you positive energy & light 😉
It’s damn hard but, believe in yourself, YOU CAN DO THIS 🙂
Take Care,
Love & Light to you….:)
PR xoxo
Thanks PR. It’s been really hard. I agree w Doreen on how people don’t understand that our P have basically brainwashed and manipulates us into being this way. I know what’s best for me but I still long for him to come home and we have our normal life. Feels odd that he will never be in my life again. Feels more odd that I kissed him before going to work that day and came home he was gone. Hidden out from me and totally cut me off. I guess it’s better that I don’t know where he is. I wanted to go to his store today so bad but I fought thru the urge and stayed away. I want to move on but I’m so dead inside I feel like I will never feel like this w anybody else ever again. BTW what is triangulation?
Your welcome Judahbug 😉
Torture by Triangulation was an article I posted & you’ll find it on the Share your story with my symbol…I put it on the wrong section opps!
“The root of suffering is attachment” Quote from Buddha 🙂
You are worthy,intelligent,beautiful,deserving,compassionate,brave,inspiring,true,able…
We will keep telling you this until you believe it for yourself 🙂
Stay Strong 🙂
You are not alone, no matter what you choose to do 🙂
PR xoxo
Yep you nailed it!
Have a look at psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com it may help you more?
Then once you get your head around all that’s happened….start the healing process.
Put your Soc in the Past, he belongs there & he cannot hurt you today or in the future.
The past is there for a reason, it’s behind you not ahead 🙂
Be Brave, big hug to you xoxo
PR I think I’m the sick one bc I keep waiting and almost hoping for the day he will call or try to come back again. I wanna be able to tell him HELL NO but yet I feel somewhat insecure and worthless if he doesn’t try. I know it would be fake. I know that! But I just wanna hurt him by telling him NO! Goodness I make no sense anymore 😦
Don’t be ashamed, everyone of us have waited…until one day we gain the strenght to be brave and at last are able to open our fingers and let it go. .You will be all right, remember one step a day is a step farther away of the abuse, of the lying of these “Pinnochios”.
Ty nminsanity. I’ve been holding on the past few weeks but these last 3 days have been hell. I almost called him today. Hung up before dialing the last number. All I do is cry wondering stupid things like does he really not remember or care. I tell myself he’s mentally ill so he can’t care. But he acts so happy online ready to move on so easy. I cannot grasp this. People tell me just let it go and move on. Well damn it! Do they think I WANT to feel this way? Do they think I don’t want to move forward? Geez. I am invited to meet someone for coffee this wknd and I don’t even have the desire to go and enjoy myself. I just wanna wake up and have this all behind me someday.
Hey well done you for NOT calling. Tomorrow will be another day. See this like an addiction it wont always be this difficult or this painful. It can and WILL get better…. keep going. If you dont want to meet someone for coffee… well your lesson has been about learning to trust yourself, if it doesn’t feel right right now, don’t do it. Have some chill out time for yourself. You will have this behind you one day. Really you will 🙂
Love is a drug & like most drugs it’s a hard habit to break 😦
Remember this is not a normal relationship, normal people don’t do this.
You should not feel pain in a healthy relationship.
You should not be gamed, lied to or manipulated ever!
Until you realize you deserve better you will go around the same cycle until???
Stop looking at the Love & start focusing on the pain & humiliation this guy has caused you.
Write it down, then look in the mirror & see you & your inner child.
Take that child & her innocence & wrap her lovingly in your arms & them place her back into
your heart & protect her 🙂
Then give her the life she deserves & she’s entitled too no matter what.
PR x
I know UR right PR. I just have a double whammy w silence from him and my daughter/family. I don’t want contact w my mom. She a narcissist maybe even a P herself. And my sister is definitely an S. but my daughter was told I have multiple personalities and she lives Across country from me so she doesn’t know what’s going on. He knew I would have nobody. And having nobody is what hurts.
Don’t be hard on yourself it’s normal after such grief & trauma 😦
This is what the Soc’s disordered mind does & they leave a trail of devastation like a cyclone in your mind not to mention your heart 😦
You need to rest, you need to keep busy & most of all you need to breath deeply 🙂
Hang in there, each day gets easier, you will see-saw up & down but, time does make a difference.
It’s a long way into Hell & it takes time to find your way back to you 😉
You will be Okay, just believe & remember how much you have overcome up to this point in your life. Your a Survivor,proof is in the mirror, have a good hard look & a survivor is looking back 🙂
You have YOU 🙂
& you have me here….I am in Australia though so, too far to come for a cup of tea 🙂
I am at work it’s 1pm here & i am juggling & emailing etc…multitasking.
Do you work?
can you ring a help-line or some-one to talk to?
Be patient & kind with yourself 🙂
Do not drink alcohol as it is a depressant ( you know that I’m sure).
Go watch something on TV mind numbing or write your feelings down on paper then burn them or keep them whatever helps.
Have a warm bath? relaxing music, oils etc…something to treat yourself.
Eat Chocolate 🙂
Be happy 🙂 🙂 I love Pinterest & spend many a hour looking at pretty pics & creating my own boards…I love it 🙂
I have an affirmation board, a sociopath board, funnies board, dream board etc…go have a look I think you’ll like it…create your own 🙂
Hello PR. Sorry not got back to you got alot going on at the moment. Im so glad you enjoyed your birthday. I’ve had a few blips this week but its only normal considering what I’m now faced with (its going to court) but I have today risen above it and put myself back on track. I have to keep reminding myself to trust and beleive in myself and know im doing the right thing by our lo and protecting them. What will be will be. Its out of my hands now. I’ve been dragging myself down all week with whats to come but I’m good now 🙂 Hope you have had a positive week in yourself. x
Hi SD 🙂
I just wrote a reply & it disappeared so, I will try again?
You are doing so well & I’m proud of you as your LO will be also 🙂
I keep hearing the song ‘You are not alone, I am here with you, though your far away, I am here to stay’….I am here & you are never alone 🙂
It’s been bloody hard & you have started moving through this & I see your now helping others which is another sign of recovery 🙂
This site has been a wonderful support to us all (thank you Pos 😉
We have found solace in each other through our journey out of the Soc Hell!
Remember that we can love the unlovable so, we are amazing people.
What kind of world would it be without Empathy or Love etc…who would care for the sick/damaged souls.
The Soc’s will eventually grow old & tired & someone will have to take care of them? Let’s hope it’s another Soc 🙂
Be strong as I know you are 🙂
Write ‘I Love Me’ on the palm of your hand & when you go to court etc…read it
& feel all the love around from me 🙂
Thinking of you, I am going well 🙂 😉
I am considering going on TV with my story? It was meant to be filmed yesterday but,was postponed due to the film crew being required elsewhere.
I think that was divine intervention? I am stronger everyday & happy to help others escape/avoid & become aware of the Sociopath. If I can save one person all of this I will be happy 🙂 🙂 🙂
Love to you & LO 🙂 xoxo
i dated a sociopath at the age of eighteen years old. I met it when i was 4 monthsegnat. He told me that he had a lot of money and that he would take care of me and my kid. I was so naive and i believe everything this loser said. I moved in with him , at eight months he punched me for no reasaon’ and when i thrweated to call the police he threated that i would be homless with my baby and that, if he went to jaihe couldent take care of me. Two weeks after i had the baby he beat me and when the police arrived he turned the story around and, told lies about me that i was crazy and he thinks i used drugs because i stabbed him. He pulled a pocket knife from his pocket and cut his hand and, lied to them and said i did it , i pleaded with the police and even made atrtempts to show them my brusises , but they hauled me in the police car to jail, and left my 2week old kid with him.e than told the court it was a accident they let me go and , when i came home he brought the baby all these expensive clothes , and took me out to eat. He got a domestic voilence home and would have other woman there, he also would have some of my family memeberws come there and have sex with them too. Later the cps workers came and took the baby , he told the court i was crazy once more and used drugs and they placed the baby with his side of the family , i tried telling the police and my domestic voilence teacher but they believe him and looked at me like i was crazy. The cps worker ordered me a retraining order and to stay 100 yards from the home The soicopath than moved state and left me to be homlesss in richmond Ca. i dont have no access to my child or anything i dont know if he payed the law to do this to me or he was just a very convincing person. However i date a christan now and he is very hot and we have a new baby but i still miss my first child.
Thank you. I realize you cannot diagnose but I was just wondering if it sounded like soc behaviors ??? I’m just trying to understand.
Thank you.
Ps. He does. Fit the narssistic traits but seems to have more than that.
Holy Crap! The way he responded to your blog posts – well, my ex-bf writes in EXACTLY the same way – it is very manic, run on sentences, the excessive use of LOL – just bizarre, bizarre stuff. I thought he was just an awful writer, but I swear it could have been written by the same man (impossible, though, I’m in Canada)
I feel for you, though, because he completely manipulated your compassion for his own sick ends … What a bastard.
As for my ex, his ex-gf actually contacted me and ratted him out, but honestly, I am so sick of the whole thing, I actually told her to stop contacting me or I’d consider it harassment. I’m done with the white-trash drama. The whole bunch of them can rot in hell, I have better things to do with my time than try to figure out who to believe.
I like UR attitude darling. That’s how I felt last year when I didn’t know who to believe. But my Ppath was very convincing that he loved me. I want to be myself again.
Well, Judahbug, be yourself – do things you love to do, surround yourself with normal people, people who make you feel good and lift you up instead of put you down. Go for a walk, ride your bike – do WHATEVER it takes to get back to you.
I’ll be honest, my ex-bf was a good friend (yeah, right), that I met through an aquaintance. He groomed me for about 9 months before “moving in for the kill” so to speak. I knew I cared about him, but when he came on strong, it was hard not to be flattered. Then, I was also very vulnerable health-wise. And the rest is history.
What I realized is that I used him to give me the love I couldn’t give to myself, and I chose to overlook inappropriate and untrustworthy behaviour because I needed to validate myself by having a partner. That’s my lesson – my pride is hurt more than anything, but truth is that I don’t love him any more, I don’t even like him. You have to get to that point, I feel so much better than even a few weeks ago. You can do it, be gentle with yourself, you’ve earned it.
Ditto what darling said 🙂
PR xoxo
Cecile I thought the same. I thought he was wounded or rejected by exes and family and I needed to show real unconditional love. He said he’s never seen anyone like me etc. buying have seen the demon in his eyes. I live the man 10,000%. I wish he was whole so we could be together but reality is he doesn’t care. He’s 50 yrs old and knows right from wrong. He knows what he does to people. He will die alone and unhappy.
Truthfully, since they appear to not care about the future and like their lives the way it is, I cannot imagine them being unhappy, ever! Knowing what I know now, I realized I fell for the person he pretended to be and since that person doesn’t exist, it’s easier for any “love’ I may have felt to simply evaporate into thin air. That may sound weird but it actually helps me work through the devastation. Thank for replying to m and best of luck to you!
I dated a sociopath for almost 5 years. I believed him to be wounded, listened to him mirror my words thinking he was so wounded he didn’t know how to effectively communicate and that it was the best he could do. We broke up and made up constantly, every 2 -4 weeks because I wanted more of a commitment, more attention, affection etc. He said he was trying and would do great for a while, then go back to crazy behavior. He was emotionally unavailable, made me out to be the one with “issues” whenever I would confront him about the actual reality of what he did. He did tell me once that he couldn’t give me what I wanted because he was “fucked up” but never expressed what “fucked up” meant. He told me he had trust issues so I did whatever I could to show I was trustworthy. The odd thing is, we neve spent the night with one another, he said it was because he “didn’t do intimacy”. There was only one night, very early in our involvement, that we fell asleep together because we had been drinking and the next morning he woke up drenshed in sweat. I thought it was because he drank too much but we had about the same and I didn’t have that reaction, I wonder if it was fear or because of the figurative intimacy??? He never kept tabs on me like some describe, we only got together once a week, sometimes less and rarely more, he rarely returned calls or texts and when he did call, never acknowleged my efforts to contact him or he’d say he had soooo much going on, blah, blah, blah!!! He smokes pot constantly, grows it in his house, gets a paycheck of sorts from his dad and doesn’t have a “regular” job. I know he doesn’t pay his bills and has had his home close to getting reposessed several times.I found all this out recently and it does help me work through who he pretended to be. I think because I fell for a “ghost” if you will, it’s easier to work through the diabolical behavior he exibited. I do struggle with my lesson in it all, did I actually ask for this somehow? I was unhappily married when we got together and sought a divorce soon after but wonder if it’s my Karma for being unfaithful? I had never cheated on anyone in my entire life and my ex husband was similar but much less mean. Is there help, is there a reason for me to believe I will work through this and love myself the way I should? I feel like it’s going to take forever and that thought scares me very, very much!
I too, felt like karma had it in for me. I left my husband of 12 years the year before due to me not being happy anymore. I know I hurt him, and I feel bad for it but I didn’t want to live my life unhappily anymore. When this happened with my spath, I thought the same thing you did. Maybe I deserved it? Maybe? Maybe not? What I do know is as much as I hate to admit it and as much as I wish it hadn’t of happened, I needed to learn the valuable lessons I did.
What I learned from mine is this: Don’t settle! Love yourself and know your worth! There was a reason I was stupid and practically begged him back…I was not loving myself the way that I should have. If I was, I would have seen him for what he was: a selfish asshole who only cares about himself and not me. I was at a very weak moment in my life (accidental pregnancy) and like a predator, he picked up on that weakness and exploited me for it. I’d like to think he wouldn’t have had a chance had I not been pregnant and lonely, but really who knows?
Unfortunately, it takes time….I’m going on a year and I still have my weak moments. But, it has got better. I am wiser now and am working on loving myself every day. I will not allow myself to lower my standards ever again. I know my worth and if someone treats me poorly….peace! I don’t have time for it! Good luck! Hang in there and read blogs and other information such as this. Reading about sociopath has helped me come to terms with who I was really dealing with. Your self-esteem takes a blow at first because you think it is you, but it’s not. It is who they are and they will continue to do it to anyone who crosses their path. But I understand how hard it is not to take personally. I remember thinking: didn’t he know what a bad ass woman he had who loved him despite his past? Wasn’t I good enough? Or was I not bad enough?
It really takes a toll on your self-esteem but I promise you, you WILL get through it!!!
Interestingly, I did the same thing. I left a far superior man over 10 years ago. I had an accidental pregnancy a couple years later. I wondered if this is what I deserved after hurting someone else. My ex-husband is happily remarried to my knowledge though, and I am happy for him to get what he deserves. I left because our relationship was emotionally shallow to me, though he was a dutiful husband who didn’t cheat, and wasn’t lazy or lying. I was curious about life and wanted to know what was out there—boy, did I get an education.
Jusagurl-I’m choosing to look at it as a means to an end. My ex-husband never cheated, never disappeared on me, and I knew for a fact that he loved me, I never had to question it nor did my gut ever have a reaction to him. But, like the song, “Sometimes love’s just not enough”. I tried making it work, but he proved time and time again that he was never going to change his selfish ways. He continues to show me this (we have a son together so he is not out of my life). Just when I think I made a mistake, he shows me I didn’t.
And yes, look at is an education. When you learn something new, you as a person grows. I learned from my ex-husband a few things: what it’s like when someone genuinly loves you and has your back, walking away when you’re not happy is okay, you can be friends when the relationship ends to name a few. With my spath: everything opposite but most importantly I learned that I have to trust myself (gut) when something doesn’t feel right. I wasted so much time trying to find solid evidence when my gut knew all along. And what baffles me is I stayed in the relationship when I was no longer happy and made no plans to leave until the day I found evidence of him cheating! That’s pathetic and I know I will never go down that path ever again.
So it may have been karma or just life teaching us a lesson. I learned mine, that’s for sure.
Oh and as far as a means to an end….I believe that some day I will find true love again. Sometimes you have to love a bad man, to appreciate a good one….
Like you, I learned about not second-guessing myself. We don’t need the actual evidence to know we are unhappy.
I don’t have the benefit of hindsight with my ex-husband like you do, as we don’t have children together so the break was clean. It may also make me idealize him more in retrospect and demonize myself. I will say I don’t feel regret over the departure. I felt I married too young/inexperienced and probably for the wrong reasons.
I also agree with you about the opportunity for true love. I think the key is to not wallow so long we ruin future opportunities for something better, i.e., not getting hung up on the “addiction”, or getting lost in the guilt of the lesson.
Hi Cecily,
I am glad you found this post helpful.
It really is amazing just how similar the Sociopath’s are in their behavior, right down to the things they say etc…they can be worlds apart yet follow the same agenda,words,actions etc…
I am glad your on your healing path as am I 🙂
Love & Light to you 😉
PR xoxo
Hey J’bug,
My Guy’s 58 & still playing the game so,I think they just keep doing it until???
The OW that he’s with now knows he’s a Soc & revealed him to me,then stayed?
It’s funny but, they are attracted to Psychologist’s or people with qualifications like this…perhaps they target them as to how much they can get away with.
My Soc is gaming a Dr of Sociology who lectures worldwide in human behavior etc…like big game hunting?
PR x
Yes they are! My ex his favourite saying is ‘ you are the psychologist one’…. I am considering going back to University next year – but have no clue what to study, but I know it will just be theoretical. Life has always been my greatest teacher.
Yeah mine came during my last semester for my MBA. I think they piggyback off our status to look good themselves. He was always bragging about me to his brother n others about my masters Nd how I would do anything for people etc.
It’s interesting that a lot on here are in that field of work or study or interested etc…
I wonder if Positiva has any thoughts on this?
I think your ability to not judge people & understand & forgive makes us more susceptible to
the Soc to manipulate etc…worth considering.
Who better to learn about people than from people who study the human condition, this way it would open more avenues for them???
OMG — Honestly….. I hadn’t read this comment before I wrote my post!!!! Really!!!
Omg I know & it had been bugging me for ages that there was a connection aside from us all being really wonderful people.
Some of us are so wonderful we teach the B#@%#@ds how to really undermine us & use it on others….they are vacuums really 😦
What is also interesting is that contrary to public opinion – victims/survivors are not stupid people either. From the victims that I have met, all are compassionate, caring and very intelligent women.
I have never seen someone write a comment (on here or other sites) with poor english or text speak…. everyone is smart and articulate. There must be something in that too.
Yes PR. I have much compassion about feeding my SPpath to Jaws as shark bait!!
Yes I have noticed that also 😉
Perhaps now we have a voice & a tool we can use it for good against evil…Something they will hate!
Something great is going to come from all of our pain that I am certain of 🙂
P.S. I have noticed that some of the Soc’s that comment are not so articulate but, rather crazy & yet controlled hmm like they actually are!!!…
Maybe because they don’t write with empathy unless they mimic it???
Endless gaming….yet they are once again repetitive & regurgitating!
Thanks PR, I am just so damn astounded that there are so many sociopaths/psychopaths out there and so many victims… truly amazing!!! I also find it hard to believe they can have no remorse what so ever and actually enjoy causing other’s pain, there should be a penalty for that! I mentioned in a post that even though I’m not a vengeful person by nature, this experience has had me wishing for something horrible to happen to my ex, so unfair that they seemingly get off scott free only to repeat their behavior with someone else. I was actually warned about my ex (not told he was a sociopath) by an ex of his who’s a psychologist. She seemed to believe he was that way because of issues he had with his mother growing up but never knew he was a sociopath and remained friends with him. Go figure!!!
Regurgitating indeed!!!
Hi Cecily,
I was warned by one of his ex’s that he was a predator & after 10 years (my story is on the story blog here if your interested?) the OW a Dr of Sociology exposed him to me.
Then we met & even though she know’s he’s a Soc has stayed with him??? Yep go figure!!!
Mine is a High Functioning Soc & is a Commander in the Fire Brigade…I even did his Degree for him to hold his ranking…yes I did (sigh).
He dropped me like a hot cake & I was so angry I tried to expose him but, looked like the nutter ;( he reported me to the police for calling him a sleazebag on a text message!
I never actually said he was just repeated what others thought of him 🙂
One word & he reports me!
Still here we are helping each other so, you are not alone, we do understand so, stay strong,you deserve better & you are a wonderful person…Your in the best company 🙂
Love & Light to you 🙂
PR xoxox
PR, I’m having a hard time navigating this site and am trying to figure out some things, since I’m new here. Where is your story? I’d love to read it! This place has saved me from months, if not years of needless suffering and i thank you for your insight, support and love and rightbackatcha Sister! xoxo
I also agree! I”m new to blogging so I hope you all can read this. I have one who use to be a policeman, so they do have jobs that they can hurt other people at their pleasure! Ladies, we are just loving caring, and that is why they prey on us!
Nessa
Nessa,
There’s nothing wrong with being loving and caring, just don’t be naive, that’s how we get caught up and trapped. This site offers so much information, support and healing and I hope you get it!!! xxo