Positiva…….Yes! that makes perfect
sense…..an object to keep as a trophy…like a serial killer. I received a cryptic text from him yesterday ( did not respond) that he MAY return my rings on halloween……….games, drama, control….keeping me on edge……..of course halloween…trick or treat! Yesterday I felt really emotionally free from him as if the “spell” had been broken. Now I just shake my head and say “what were you thinking”? Thanks for the advice, i am going to research pychopaths and trophies…….I am now strong enough to handle it.
Yes – I read up a lot about this when it happened to me Sweet. It was really difficult at the time. Just like you I had lots of cryptic messages (read the posts sociopaths and stalling for time) he stayed in my life for a long time – and had a passion (after he learned he was a sociopath) for watching tv footage about psychopathic serial killers – I came across it on there. It was really bizarre the way that he did it too. Every time that he left the pattern was the same. – he would take something of mine that held great value – night before start a fight – over nothing – he would take what he wanted with such stealth – it was like a professional shoplifter….. why he never gave me those things back (we were in daily contact at that time) – I don’t know. He never gave me an explaination even though he stayed in my life for more than a year later – would just try to brush it under the carpet…. but he did play all the games how he was going to bring it round, was going to bring it back. I think he actually enjoyed the power and the control he gained from that. I did freak me out when I read about psychopaths and trophies as that was what he did.
Ah Trophies, yes mine had his trophy cabinet full of Royal Doulton Ladies that he had been collecting for years & years as I’ve mentioned before.
His ex Ow sold some on ebay & he was livid & this is why, his ladies were represented & boy there were heaps of us in that cabinet,literally over 100!!!
Yikes, I must look up mine, she’s probably right at the back in Coventry 😉
He told me he was born in Coventry (lol) but, he’s Italian?? Go figure…& his son collects his trophies as well….hmm Predator (Alien Movie) figures & has them at the ex OW’s house….creepy & true!
Trophy hunters for sure, thank goodness it wasn’t Deer or my head could be on the wall or my pelt 😉 😉 ohhh like Silence of the Lambs…I talk too much so, no lamby here 😉 LOLOL
Can someone please help? Positivagirl? I am in Alamo ca. He has my son. No one will listen because he does not hit me. I need legal help and cannot afford. anyone have advice? I need now! No time left.
Hi Cary I am so sorry for my delay in reply. I do not know what the answer is as I am unsure where you are. I am taking it you do not get help with legal fees where you are? Do you have any services where you are that can provide support – in terms of a domestic violence support centre? They should (hopefully) understand that emotional abuse requires support as well as physical violence. I hope that someone in your area will be better placed to help or offer advice?
As of right now, I do not know. And Cary is my sons name. Right now I feel that there is no one I can trust, and I am not safe anywhere, with any one. But I will try to find help. I do not think there is any one who understands just how scary this is. When all you feel is terror and everyone else around you says there is nothing wrong, yet you know there is; there is no lonelier place on earth. Have you ever felt like giving up?
My sp at the start of our relationship used to wear my perfume and my clothes in my home. It was expensive perfume and I was mad about it. He stopped doing it after a while. but he gave me a st Christopher even though I wasn’t of that faith and he viewed that as very important and made m take it with me wherever I went. when we split he wanted me to keep certain items of his. He stole a lot of money from me. so he deffo took from me. has anyone else noted them doing similar things like wearing clothes or perfume. it reminds me of a post I read about them mirroring you!
Thank you! It’s not easy (I still love him)but it’s something I have to achieve for my own sanity (because I love myself too) I wish for so many time that he changed, now I know that the only one who can make a change is me.
Big hug!
I think that lots of people feel this way. That they love the person but they have to leave for their own sanity. It is really hard when you love someone with all of your heart. They have so many good points…. but when even a small percentage of the bad is abuse. You know that you deserve so much better!! 🙂 You are right – the only one who can make a change is you… this can be scary… but you can do it!!!
Just realised (my first time on the blog) why my relationship of 9 years (recently ended) was so difficult, and now he won’t leave me alone, even though he ended it. He’s determined to send me over the edge, and has ramped up his viciousness to unprecendented levels, mainly by meddling in my social circle and telling lies to all and sundry. So, I have to constantly explain myself. He was also physically violent during our time together, although I don’t think he’s planning anything like that now. He’d rather torture me and do me in bit by bit. This man promised me things like a stable future, a civil partnership, all seemed rosy in the garden. 9 years later all I’ve had is a big fat nothing. Apart from all the usual that these guys seem to enjoy dishing out.
Hi Pete and welcome to the site!! 🙂 I am sorry to read that you are going through this. someone telling lies about you can be so difficult to combat (for me it is one of the worst things of all) its emotional abuse. Can you try to (as much as possible) keep a distance from mutual friends? As the sociopath will take pleasure from using those people to abuse you as a third party (I have written a few posts about it will come back with links when i find them). Also – with regard to what he tells other people (if he is telling you) make sure it is the truth – before you react -as again they lie to get you to react then you look crazy!!
The frustration and sense of injustice is the worst thing. I was with a violent, lying thug for 9 years and now I’m the bad one? This is character assassination. I feel like I want to fight back, but will that just make it worse for me?
Yes this is what they count on Pete. As they are devoid on emotions – they love to exploit yours. Remember that in the relationship they manipulate you with (fake) love and control with fear. Afterwards it is little difference.
Many people have said that after a fallout with a sociopath that they ended up losing a huge amount of their social life. The sociopath can literally suck the life out of you. Taking everything.
What is important is to no longer playing the game (dont fight back) as tempting as this is. The sociopath knows you very well and after 9 years will know your emotions and how best to exploit them and destroy you. character assassination is an awful thing to go through, you have to do all that you can to protect yourself. If you cannot protect your reputation you have to do all that you can to protect your sanity and to stay strong.
You really need to establish no contact. Do not look at social networking block him – block calls texts and emails (even if he isn’t contacting you) I know how hard this is as you want to know what he is saying about you so that you can defend yourself. The truth is that whatever you say will be turned against you. Remember that he is the practised liar – you are not. So he will have the upper hand.
Not playing the game – should help you. An additional thing to be mindful of is mutual friends – put them on limited information on your facebook and other social networking (so that they cant see things that are used against you). The worst thing is that they do things deliberately to make you out to be crazy – or lie about you and then you DO feel crazy…..
Yes I do think that it will make it worse – as it will give the sociopath the knowledge that he is getting to you. So in a sense you are continuing with the game and fuelling the fire.
By not saying anything — he is carrying on…. the only person who looks bad is him – not you! Try to find people that you trust 100% who believe in you. Who you can trust who have no connection with him.
Additionally if you continue to play the game – by fighting back – it does lengthen the game…. and it will continue for a longer period.
People love gossip….. but there is only so much that he can say – so he will run out of things to say about you (if you do not have contact – for a while cease contact with mutual friends)….. there will be nothing to say – and people will get bored of the gossip…. if you fight back it becomes a spectactular display to watch and people sit back with popcorn whilst they watch.
The best way to get a sociopath to hang themselves is to say nothing at all…. as likely they will take it too far…. and with no response at all from you – they will figure that it really isn’t working (its not upsetting you) – the sociopath LOVES to see your emotions – they love to see you upset as they dont really have those range of emotions. So display none.
If you display no emotions — then you cannot be manipulated. There is nothing to manipulate (even if in private you sit and cry your eyes out) dont let him or mutual friends (where info get back to him) see this.
You cannot change what he is doing – but you can change your response to it. You cannot control what he is doing. But you can control your own response to it. This is the only way that you will have control over the situation.
People will get bored of the gossip…. so give nothing back…. soon they will tire of the sociopath and his lies will trip him up (remember that they rarely have long term friends and often have to move on)…..
Here’s part one of a good article I read. Will find part two.
Welcome to the party 😉
Seriously I had 10 years of time wasting so, you are not alone & never will be here 🙂
It’s bloody awful what the Soc will stoop too so, don’t waste anymore time on him & his deviousness.
His main aim is to destroy you but, you are to good for that 🙂
Your friends, true friends will remain standing when the dust settles, mine have & I sent out a group email to gather support & tell the in a fun way what had happened.
I made a joke of the craziness I was thrown into….”Hi all, just letting you know my partner is engaged ‘Congrat’s’ but, not to me”, oops, he forgot to tell me he was living with an OW & seeing her for 3 1/2 years! Obviously an over sight on his part!
Oh & the terrorist training he was supposedly on? Thank goodness he was off enjoying the US cause, I thought he was in the UK…silly me! At least he was safe so, I need’t have been concerned!”LOL…Oh & such a romantic, he proposed in the Big Apple, while emailing me the weather in the UK etc…& complaining about his sore Achilles tendon!
Gee what a guy.
Pete, you are not alone, we’ve all been duped but, we are all here surviving & sharing & supporting so, just stay No Contact as that will drive him nuts.
Rise above his games & you will be okay eventually I promise 🙂
I am sorry you have been so poorly treated, you deserve better & are worthy of better 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
@pete. Definitely fighting back makes it worse. Been there done that. He will either use it to confirm UR crazy, call the cops for harassment and again confirm u r the problem, and gloat at the control he has over u not being able to get over him. He will say Instead u have to stalk him bc he’s so awsome ya know? Plus he doesn’t feel pain so it won’t hurt him. It will only hurt u longer bc his actions will add to what UR already hurting over. Taken from my experience.
He’s driven me slowly crazy. What made him leave was me defending myself because I thought he was about to batter me again. “Don’t tempt me” was all I said. Then he left. He was turning me into something like himself.
Yes Pete and his game will continue. They get worse and it hurts more and longer. My ex has left many times and I was brainwashed and let him back. One if the meanest things he said last summer was for me to buy a gun and video me shooting myself in the head so he could see it. To this day he laughs and thinks its just a funny everyday comment. He’s so proud of himself for thinking that line up. This time the silence kills me and I’m dealing w harsh abandonment but in the long run it will strengthen me. The people here encourage me and keep us all sane 🙂
Listen to what Pos has to say. And my buddy Phoenix Rising. Others here are well informed. U will be too. Just read and google. Read and google. Some here have to go by behaviors and gut instinct if their ex is one or not. My guy is a combo of Soc/psy but was medically diagnosed as one. Doesn’t matter if diagnosed or not. What matters is how it leaves u feeling.
Pete. Don’t stoop to his level. Easier said than done. It’s good he left. Just be prepared. My ex said the gf before me was crazy an physically violent like that. Fact is he broke HER ribs. But now his game has changed so that he runs and uses threats if cops for protection even tho I didn’t do anything. He said once I threw his clothes in the yard and I didn’t buy he wanted me to believe I did. He would start fights then back up against the hallway and act terrified of me. I would be standing there lookin at him and he would say “UR scaring me”. WTH? What did I ever do to make him scared? It was his mind game to make up stuff and hope I would react in violent ways like his gf before did so that would justify his anger n behaviors. Also gives room for filing charges but I never fell into that. UR ex could make that an assault of some kind so don’t ever say that again in writing UR verbal. In fact I would as Pos to delete it from this website for UR protection.
Funny. This motherf***** broke my ribs by kneeling on my chest and punching me in the face until I was unconscious.Then he wouldn’t let me seek medical attention and hid me in a bedroom for a couple of weeks. “For my own good”.
Your blog, your rules. I respect that Positivagirl. And I’m a bit emotional at the moment and you’re doing this to protect me, when I’m not capable of doing that for myself. You, yourself know how these sociopaths can get to you.
Ah not too much Pete, I just changed it to defending yourself. You never know…. never give them ammunition is my motto! 🙂 I do feel for you as I know what the lies ruining and smear campaigns are like it is character assassination and the worst thing to go through.
Pete I’m sorry he did that to u. I’m glad he’s gone now. U keep NC w him and I promise U to do the same w mine.
A bit hard. We have shared contracts on our cellphones, shared bills, so he can actually see who I call and how often, and get to them. Must change that tomorrow.
Yes – please remember that you are at a loss to control him…. what you need to do now is to control what you can. To do damage limitation. Don’t let him know ANY information about you. NONE AT ALL (this will drive him nuts) remember he can only manipulate and control what he knows.
I edited your earlier post as it was incriminating against you hope this was ok.
I was having lunch in a crowded restaurant yesterday with an old friend in the fbi……..he said look around……statistically there are 3 sociopaths in this room right now. I think us women(and I say women because I do think most of us were brought up to always be “nice” and friendly)have to stop thinking that it is somehow virtuous or noble to automatically give other humans the benefit of the doubt and think the best of them. That is not a survival skill, it is a foolish position to take. We don’t have to walk around suspicious of everyone we meet, but neither should we take the position that everyone is a decent good person until proven wrong. It took me 54 years and many hard lessons to learn this and deprogram the messages taught on how “nice” women act.
I have already begged, asked, screamed, cried, prayed, waited, but this is a cycle that they will never ends…I will never have the respect, the love that I deserve from him…right now I’m trying to put all the pueces on order. I’m in the border of a bankruptcy, courtesy of my Pinocchio, I lend him all my savings, and also I am paying for a loan that was used to his moving to be nearer. I don’t have anything more to give. I don’t know what else he is looking for.
Hi NMI,
He will take,take,take if he can he will bleed you dry 😦
He is trying to destroy you because you represent what he can never be, a real, loving, decent human being 🙂
Don’t let him, you can rebuild, you can do anything you put your mind too, it’s hard but, you can do this 🙂
I will rebuild my house, my home, myself of all the devastation he left
. I wish to all of you from Wish who is still trying to left the web of lies, to all of you who are on their way to the freedom of regaining ourselves all the strenght, the wisdom and the sanity!
Thank you 🙂
Backatcha for all your wishes & strength. xoxo
I once read this somewhere ….”the person who cares the least about the relationship, controls the relationship” At first it doesnt sound right, but think about it, especially in relation to the sociopath…….and how much you are suffering and he doesnt seem to suffer at all. Thus, he is in control.
My Pinnochio have few good qualities and he is a true abuser who lies, punch and do whatever is needed to get his way….I know that I love someone that isn’t real.
I gave him a nickname when we began our relationship and when everything turns ugly I used his real name when his monster side arrive at the scene, and his nickname in the few moments of peace. I asked him, “where is my ____?” He said “_____doesn’t exist” He knows it.
Thanks for your wishes!
I’m on my route and as I said before trying to reconstruct my confidence, my finances, my broken eardrum and my heart
I’m really enjoying this site and so glad I found it. I thought I was going crazy and imagining all of this stuff, but I realize now that it was in fact reality and that snakes like these psychopaths LOOK for people they can manipulate and being kind and giving, and always looking for the best in everybody is something I’m working on changing these characteristics about myself as my way of surviving. I am now afraid to even get involved in a relationship because I don’t know if this person is for real or if it’s all an act.
I told my sister the other day about my being afraid that if he ever got me alone, he may even attempt to rape me because it’s all about control, and she said, “you never know, and I wouldn’t put it past him, so be extra careful because you don’t know WHAT’S going on in the psychotic minds of these sneaky people. The way he was staring you down constantly and for so long really says something so don’t be so trusting.” I’m still shaky from my WOULD-BE episode with him. As I said earlier, I feel like I walked upon a snake who was curled up and ready to strike me, but I backed up really slowly and got the hell out of there. Is it possible to feel a little trauma from a “near-miss” episode or am I making too much out of it? I just heard that he’s now really talking seriously to one of the really pretty girls who had her eye on him all along. I can’t help but wonder, “will she be next, especially if she marries him” or did he reserve that insanity just for me? Because neither she nor anyone seems to see this darkness within him and he seems to really enjoy that.
Hi well as you know a sociopath will not change not long term this is the way that their brain is wired. If he is with someone else, as they repeat patterns of behaviour over and over – he will with her also. It wasn’t you. It was him.
“I suppose the more I “engage” in any form or react to his actions just confirms to him that he still has power over me?”
@Pete…
That’s right. By virtue of the fact you will engage at all tells him he is still in charge. My soc makes this clear to me by letting me know he already knows how I feel. He has had time to make a study of turnaround times on replies, methods of engagement under certain circumstances, circumstances surrounding any delays, context of anger responses, and much more. I think “over-matched” is an understatement since they don’t ever want to be anything but in the driver’s seat.
I am not sure I belong here, but I guess I´ll share my story anyway. It´s different from the others here, so i hope you´ll be entertained at least. I´m a psychopath, and my fiancé is a sociopath. I am sixteen years old and he is twenty two. We met in Munich (I am german, so forgive any poor english).
He was smoking by some building and I liked his leather jacket so I commented on it. He offered me a smoke and was very charming and gentlemanly. We live a 9 hour drive from each other so we began an internet relationship that somehow turned into a real relationship. My last boyfriend had dumped me for being a ´cold psycho bitch´ (sounds better in german, I assure you) and I was not good at relationships so i did not expect this one to last either. I basically became an entirely different person to him. I lied about my name and pretended I was three years older ( I was 15 at the time and him 21). He lied about his entire life too, but I didnt know it at the time. We both had very similar interests and I could tell him about all of my darkest thoughts and fantasies without fear of judgement (I won´t elaborate. Most of the would turn nice, politically correct people´s stomachs ). We would stay up for hours and hours just talking of grandiose schemes and plans that would never happen, but hey, we can pretend. He´s schizo and I have a few mental issues of my own so we basically just liked being crazy together and somehow we eventually formed a genuine bond. I panicked and told him the truth about in a strange effort to self sabotage, but he hardly batted an eyelash and simply told me that he´d been lying all along too. We spent six hours, 6 biers and 8 cups coffee setting things straight (tbh, I was still not 100% truthful but i warned him I was a compulsive liar so I guess its his fault for believing anything that comes out of my mouth). Nevertheless, he is the only person i am even somewhat honest too. He´s a judicial student and I´m going to join him (for Medizin though) in two years. To be honest though, the thought of medicine bores me a little now and he is tired of law school. maybe we´ll move to Prague together and do drugs and shock our PhD-possessing parents a little. or join the german army. Or move to estonia and build a house in the forest. Or go live on a boat. Something fun and romantic. We got engaged this summer and are planning an adorable wedding in Birnau Wallfahrtskirche.
I don´t know exactly why I wrote this. I guess I just want you all to know that psychopaths and sociopaths are capable of love, it´s just kind of difficult and you can´t take it too personally when your sociopathic significant other lies to you ( if he is only a sociopath, I envy you. Just imagine that AND a paranoid schizophrenic who ´hears things´ and thinks the television is sending him messages. That´s a lot more irritating, trust me.). If you stay useful to your sociopath, he´ll most likely keep loving you as much as any normal person would. I can feel love and so can my fiancé so I guess others can too. Hopefully it´s not hereditary; I want my children to be well-adjusted and capable of normal relationships and prone to telling the truth so basically nothing like me or my husband. I should probably have just chosen some well-balanced, successful man to please my parents and make lots of money, but I´m actually genuinely happy with my fiancé. I actually love him.
Welcome to the site. Yes of course you can post here. As long as people have respect for others. Do not personally attack. We do have some sociopaths that post here. I didn’t know that you could get a diagnosis before the age of 18? As you say that you are only 16?
Your comment if he is only a sociopath, I envy you. Just imagine that AND a paranoid schizophrenic who ´hears things´ and thinks the television is sending him messages. That´s a lot more irritating, trust me Did make me laugh… I don’t know if you meant it to be funny. But it did make me laugh.
When you say that you feel ‘love’ what does that mean to you? Do you mean ownership of someone? Love is not ownership, possession or control. Love is allowing someone to be who they are.
When did you get a diagnosis? I don’t know if it is different in Germany? I guess it must be – as I always thought that you couldn’t get a diagnosis until you were 18?
What would you say is the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath?
My story, my encounter. I am a five year survivor of breast cancer. It was a hard journey, a tumor that was hard to find and I was told many times over there was nothing there. Well, there was and by the time the tumor was found it was spreading to my lymph nodes. I was afraid for my life. Anxiety ruled my life as well as fear. Several surgeries and chemotherapy. Next came radiation and a physician that almost destroyed me.
He took my venerable, weak state and crossed boundaries that are never to be crossed with a patient and doctor.
I, now still feel guilt for bringing down this man. I still am trying to come to terms with the pain he caused me with his lies and deceit. He used me for a plaything and tossed me like I was trash. Ignoring me for weeks and then his sweet talk. I’d crave him and jump right back in.
I cried for a lost dream. I cried for him. What did I do to cause such treatment?
I contacted the agency that licenses physicians. I had to find my voice. I did in the end. This whole episode has taught me to never trust anyone.
My story, my encounter. I am a five year survivor of breast cancer. It was a hard journey, a tumor that was hard to find and I was told many times over there was nothing there. Well, there was and by the time the tumor was found it was spreading to my lymph nodes. I was afraid for my life. Anxiety ruled my life as well as fear. Several surgeries and chemotherapy. Next came radiation and a physician that almost destroyed me.
He took my venerable, weak state and crossed boundaries that are never to be crossed with a patient and doctor.
I, now still feel guilt for bringing down this man. I still am trying to come to terms with the pain he caused me with his lies and deceit. He used me for a plaything and tossed me like I was trash. Ignoring me for weeks and then his sweet talk. I’d crave him and jump right back in.
I cried for a lost dream. I cried for him. What did I do to cause such treatment?
I contacted the agency that licenses physicians. I had to find my voice. I did in the end. This whole episode has taught me to never trust anyone.
Good for you for standing up & taking your power back 🙂
I hope you are healing in all aspects of your life & that you continue to grow from this experience rather than let it keep you down.
You are amazing to have survived breast cancer & a Sociopath…Bravo & more strength too you 🙂 🙂
Your an inspiration so, tell your story & be proud of yourself…we are 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
K 🙂
I believe we have been chosen for some reason so, that we can determine our path to higher awareness 🙂
‘Long denied & disregarded, you have a deep knowing why your here.
Trust that, the inner voice of your truest self. It leads home’. written by Jacob Nordby.
Gosh can you imagine how many of us are evolving into our true power because of the Soc’s….then we will have more power to impart & stand against them as others have before us…this power is ours & we must share it 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Karen, thank you for your comment. What an awful encounter to be abused by the person that you have entrusted with your care.
What happened after you reported him? That is a serious misuse of power. It can be really difficult to stand up and have a voice when you are vulnerable and the other person works for a big organisation. I am pleased to hear that you did – and hopefully stopped this from happening to anyone else.
Thank you Phonix Rising, Positivigirl. He got fired first off when the accusation came public, then it resolved by probation. I am soo glad it’s finally over! A person grows from bad experiences. Thank you for this website!
I think that you are very brave. You have been through so much. Cancer – then abuse – then fighting for what is right. You must be strong!!!
I can empathise my last 4 years – have been a traumatic death – 2 abusive relationships that preyed on my vulnerability and weakness – and fighting a now 3 year long legal case for negligence that caused the trauma in the first place. So I do relate in some senses to the awful journey that you have been through. I hope that you can move forward now and have some nice things happen to you – after all of that you really do deserve it 🙂
Hi positivagirl,
I am so thankful for finding your site, it has helped me tremendously. However, I am still struggling with many unanswered questions, unbelievable devastation, and knowing the difference between reality and fantasy…truth and lies. I would like to share my story and would appreciate feedback especially for reassurance that my gut is right and I am not crazy. I am almost certain I married a sociopath three months ago. HELP?!
In December I reconnected with my first boyfriend, first kiss and I was his (we were ten years old) We had not seen each other in 30 years and instantly there was chemistry. However, he was home visiting our home town and went back to his home 1000 miles away. We continued talking and he flew me up in March and that was it…hook, line, and sinker. We fell magically in love…he showered me with love, affection, gifts, emailed songs every night, constant very romantic texts, cards, flowers, always taking pictures of me, videoing me, and posting his love for me all over facebook. At first, I was a bit cautious and I let him know I did not trust easily but, he convinced me that he would always love me and take care of me, that he had loved me his whole life since he was a boy. I felt reassured especially since our families have known each other our whole lives. He won my family over and my children fell in love with him too, they were so happy for me. His children and I bonded as did all of our kids. Both of our families were overjoyed about us, he kept telling me that he thanked God everyday for sending me to him, that God molded us as one when we were born and that we shared the same bone marrow. He continued to fly or drive down or pay for me to fly there every week to two weeks. He proposed to me within 6 weeks, on my 41st birthday in April and decided to move back home leaving his two teenage kids back home. I questioned if he was sure about this and what about a job??? Once again, he reassured me that he has been wanting to move home for quite sometime now and that he CANNOT live without me. He said he was not worried about work that he had always been successful, knows a lot of contacts back home, and has enough money to live on for at least 6 months without work. So, the first week in June I flew up there and he packed up everything and moved back home (in my house I own) and we planned our wedding. We married July 14, 2013…his family is extremely wealthy and we had a beautiful wedding with all of our family and friends, followed by a week long honeymoon in the Dominican Republic.
However, 1 1/2 weeks after returning from our honeymoon he sat me down and said he loved me but, he could not live here and that he was like a fish out of water, was dying without his kids and he had to leave. He left I have not seen him again. We have talked, cried and I questioned for weeks…all the while him telling me that I did nothing wrong and he just couldn’t live back home…that he missed his kids too much. Meanwhile, back home he’s not spending anytime with the kids or talking to any family members…just isolating himself from everyone and crying to me on the phone. My gut told me there was something more to it than just his kids so, I was able to hack his email, facebook, and phone records…and I just sat back and watched. What I found devastated me…He reactivated his online dating account back in May and hour after dropping me off at the airport and was talking with a girl the same night he sent me our wedding song. He talked and texted with his ex GF the entire time we were together even on our wedding day! He has been texting and talking with multiple woman since he left. And his private messages to women (before me) are alarming…an obvious player! He came across as shy, sweet, caring and so innocent. After finding this site and reading about the 3 stages of idealizing, devaluing, and discarding…I find this is exactly what happened. In hindsight, I knew something was wrong a month before we got married and on the honeymoon…it was the DEVALUE stage and I was broken and lost. As soon as he moved here he became a person I did NOT even know! He was cold, quiet, and moody towards me. I never received another gift, the compliments and affection became less and less. He had an attitude with my friends to the point where they didn’t want to come around. He never looked for a job. He flirted with my younger cousin at our rehearsal dinner to the point that I felt it and she left because she was so uncomfortable. He then, ignored me on the honeymoon, flirted with other women in front of me. When I confronted him, he asked me since when did I become so insecure.
I could go on and on….I have been so lost and confused as to what happened? How could someone do this? How does someone go from loving you more than anything to never seeing you again?
I have been trying hard to have no contact, he still professes his love for me, has bought me a plane ticket and says he will always love me and if I ever moved there he would take care of me. But, there are no actions only words and he has now sent me money for the divorce and doesn’t contact me.
So, did I just marry a Sociopath?
I met my SO the day that I ended a five plus year relationship with a man I was engaged to. My SO was the total opposite of my ex, he seemed really fun, laid back, and successful. Physically, I am much more attractive than he is (I remember thinking that he would never cheat on me because of this fact). We became physically intimate on the second date and it was much better than any other time for me. He made me feel so confident and attractive.
I didn’t want to rush into a relationship, and I told him that I was dating other people. He always claimed to not be dating anyone else, but the first few months he was pretty sketchy with plans. He would ask me to do something in the morning, but completely blow me off that night. I would see photos on FB of him with other women – when I asked him about the he would always say that they were just friends, and accuse me of being insecure. Maybe I am insecure I thought. He was unpredictable and I think that made him more attractive, and I was a little jealous. Eventually we had a conversation and we decided to be monogomous, he said that he loved me and asked me to move in (about 8 months in). I told him that I did not want to live with someone again until I was sure I wanted to marry them (still trying to be cautious). I discussed it with one of our mutual friends, that he had asked me to move in and that I had said no, but that I was thinking about it. About a month later, it was New Years Eve, we were at a party with friends, he comes up to me and says “Why did you say that I asked you to move in with me – I never said that”. And I got the first glimpse of the evil inside. I burst into tears.
About two weeks later, he again asked me to move in with him. I said no, again. And I brought up what had happened on New Years Eve, he said that his friends were giving him a hard time about it and that was why he had acted that way. We were out at lunch and he was acting all jazzed up, he kept going outside to smoke and to text. He said that he had a guy’s night that night. I dropped him off at his house, and suggested that I go in for some “fun” he said no, that he had to get ready. I went out with my friends.
About two weeks after that we went on a trip together to visit his dad. It was honestly the happiest I have ever been in a relationship at that time. We were getting along so well, better than I have ever gotten along with anyone, and our physical relationship was so satisfying, I could not keep my hands off of him. We were staying with his dad, but got a hotel for one night to celebrate Valentine’s Day and went to a nice dinner. We had been dating for a year and I thought that I had been very cautious not to rush things, I thought that he was the one. It was at this dinner that he went to show me something on his phone, and what was on there was a match.com profile of a woman. “Oops” he said, he explained that he used to be on there and they still sent him emails and that he had accidentally clicked on it. Of course he’s not on a dating website, I thought, we are so happy.
However, the second I dropped him off, I got on my computer and looked up match.. There he was with an active updated profile, and he was even “online now”. I called him and screamed and drove to his house and demanded that he pay me back for the plane ticket. He said that he didn’t have any checks. He did not apologize for the match profile, but offered a ridiculous excuse that his friend had made it and that he never checked it. I was devastated, leveled. I had gone from being so happy and in love when I dropped him off earlier that day to feeling like the biggest piece of crap. We were broken up for a month, he apologized and I started seeing him again, but of course the trust was shattered, he still had the match account but said he would take it down. I was at his house and he was at work – I went through his iPad and read his emails, his facebook messages and his match.com correspondence. He was clearly sleeping with at least two other women – one’s who I had questioned him about before and was told that they were just friends and I was insecure. I had even met one of them a few times and been to social gatherings with her. She was good friends with his roommates girlfriend. I assumed that she must’ve known that he had a girlfriend, but the other one I didn’t think knew, and I contacted her to ask her how long it had been going on, maybe they were just friends and had started sleeping together after we broke up. I end up meeting up with her and discover that they had met the previous summer (it was now March), and had dated over the summer but that he had always been sketchy and disappeared after Thanksgiving, (we had gone on a trip together the weekend after Thanksgiving and were pretty much inseperable after that) and she had written him off, but in Mid January he had reached out to her and took her out on a romantic dinner and explained that he had lost his job, and had gotten a divorce and had been very depressed. They took right back up and were dating again. I found out that the day I had gone out to lunch with him, and he had a “guy’s night” that he had actually met a girl from match.com for drinks and then ended up meeting up with this other girl he was in a relationship with and went home with her. There was no truth in the guy’s night story. The other girl and I went to his house to confront him and he was in bed with a third girl (the one who I had met a few times and who I assumed knew about me).
I was completely disgusted with him at this point and hated him. He threatened that he was going to tell people horrible things about me that were all true. He said that our mutual friends all hated me and said horrible things about me. Then he would show up places and claim to love me, and send me rude texts if I wouldn’t respond. I created a match.com and he would always wink at me on there or send me messages criticizing what I said about myself. This went on for about a month. For some reason I agreed to meet up with him, I just wanted to let him have it, but somehow he charmed me and said that he missed me and that I was the only person he had ever loved. We started hanging out again but were not together. He was on his best behaviour and I think that seeing all of that stuff with the other girls just made me jealous or made him seem more attractive to me. This went on for the rest of the summer, then he accepted a job offer out of town.
We still talked, but were not together. I would see him when he would come to town and I went to visit him a few times. I would always find signs of other women when I would visit him but he would always have a quick excuse – a half empty wine bottle was from his mom (even though it was for red wine and his mother only drinks white), a card for flowers signed with a woman’s name was just some HR woman in his office who he didn’t even know. I guess I knew he was lying but didn’t want to rock the boat. But, after several months of this and of so many bad dates with psycho guys, and because my two best friends were moving across the country and I hated my job, I agreed to move out of state and in with my SO. I gave up all of my furniture and had to find a new job. The move wiped out my savings, but I found a new job that I really liked. Things were going well. Then he lost his job, he had a hefty severence and was confident that he would find something else quickly. We were living in a very expensive apartment and had bought all new furniture together. The severence didn’t last long, and he didn’t find another job. Eventually he found some other guys and they started their own firm (lawyers). That is what is going on right now, and he has invested all of his 401K and savings into this business, as well as all of his time. I moved to be with a guy and I probably saw him for six hours a week and he ignored me the entire time. We started to fight about time and money. I started picking up slack financially, but he continues to shop and buys luxury items for himself while i am eating Banquet frozen meals for lunch – he is out to lunch every day.
Finally they start getting some deals and he gets some income (allegedly). He starts going to happy hours with these guys and he is back to being a cocky lawyer. I can see him texting on his phone with that jazzy little smirk on his face. I start to get suspicious, but am told that I am psycho, paranoid and controlling. He seems to forget all of the cheating in the past, and now claims that we weren’t actually together when all of that happened, we had never been in a serious relationship until we moved in together. I question some interactions on FB with a woman that seem flirty, and I see that he has deleted.hidden all photos of the two of us as well. He says that he hid all of that because it looked unprofessional. He then unfriends me and blocks me on FB because he says that I am psycho, paranoid and controlling and it is unacceptable. Keep in mind that I freaking moved here to be with him and I have no real friends here. He never wants to go out and do anything, his new phrase is “We don’t have to do everything together”. Ha, we do NOTHING together. He will not go out with just me, he will only do anything in a group, but is so eager to go out in a group that he will barely even wait for me to get ready. And he is at these industry happy hours and networking events once or twice a week that I am not invited to. Some of them are men’s only, he says.
I see photos on FB of an event that he claimed was only for men and I see women there. The next weekend I have a family member in town and my SO is completely absent the entire weekend. I made dinner reservations for one of the nights and he said he would go, but he completely stands me up without a text or a phone call. We are waiting for him to get there to order, then he texts me something that was meant for someone else. He is on his phone having a conversation with someone else but does not have the common decency to tell me that he isn’t coming to dinner. I am so embarrassed. We get into heated whisper fights the rest of the weekend regarding the dinner. I was looking forward to him getting out and having fun and getting to know my family member better. He made it sound like the dinner was going to be the worst torture he had to ever endure and called my family member obnoxious. I picked the restaurant based upon what he would like and he treats it like that.
So, I’ve pretty much had it at that point. I cannot explain away this heinous behavior to my family member and I will appear to be a total doormat if I don’t do anything about it. The next morning when he is in the shower, I pick up his phone and go through it. I have never looked through his phone before (probably because he usually keeps it strapped to him at all times and because I knew I was going to find something on there bad). He is freaking dating someone else with the same name as me and that is why there was the text message mix up. He was hanging out with her the entire weekend, and probably was counting on me being distracted by having a family member in town. I don’t know how long this has been going on because most of the texts have been deleted and I can only see the most current but they obviously know each other and send each other pictures and communicate all day.
I confront him with what I have found and oh boy do I freaking get it. I am a psycho, he left the phone out to test me and I violated his privacy. The person he was texting with is acutally a guy and basically I didn’t see what I saw. I get home from work and he is home for once, I think he was going to try a half hearted excuse to see if I would fall for it and claims that he has never met this woman and that he was her mentor set up through the bar association. Complete lie and I don’t buy it. I ask him to show me the emails from the bar association. He obviously can’t produce any. I go in the bedroom and he stays on the couch. The next morning we fight about it again. I am the reason we can never be together because I am too jealous and psycho and I am an ugly troll. He did nothing wrong and I have no idea what I was even looking at. I go out and find my own apartment. He doesn’t think I should leave because he doesn’t think I can afford it (I can). He has my TV at his office and I ask him to bring it home (he still hasn’t and it has been three weeks). He tells me that he will give me money for the furniture that I paid for and that he will give me what I paid for it. When I ask for a check I never get it.
He goes out of town for a bachelor party the next weekend. I do not speak to him at all. He gets back and I think that maybe I missed him and maybe I’m rethinking this whole moving out thing, we are intimate and I ask if he will go to counseling. He says no. I get angry and we are back to me being in the bedroom and him being on the couch. I wonder if he is back on match.com, and I do a search. Yep, there he is with a profile that is a complete lie – says he has never been married, says that he doesn’t smoke and that he works out. Obviously doesn’t mention the live in girlfriend. I see him on his phone when I am leaving for work in the morning and ask him how his luck is on match, I get the finger in the face accusations of being a psycho stalker and he says that he only put the profile up to test me and I failed the test and betrayed his privacy again. He then updates the profile and is on it constantly (I keep looking at it) and he is portraying himself as a successful guy who is looking for a successful woman. He is actually flat broke and living off a loan from his mom at this point. The only income from his firm so far has been $5,000. In a year.
Last night he didn’t come home at all, so I know he was with another woman. I got on the computer and his email was still logged in. I can see that he has had the match for a while. I also see that he has made accounts on something called Zoosk and something called Meetme. When he went out of town for the bachelor party, he was messaging women from that town claiming to be a guy who is always in town for business (lie). And these women are nasty – not even remotely attractive, just trashy. I go through all of his emails, he has ones from years back and there are so many women. He is always flirting and pretending to be single. I see one email that he sent a few years ago where he is emailing his friends a list of all of the women he is sleeping with at that moment – it was ten. I was included. I feel so sick and so dumb. I went to a doctor today to get a prescription for Xanax because I haven’t been sleeping at all.
I move out next weekend, and I’ll probably never see my TV or that check for the furniture. He wouldn’t care if I had to sleep on a dirt floor or live in my car. He doesn’t care about me at all – nothing I have done matters and the only way to get along with him is to overlook these obvious lies. The only way a person could be with him long term would be if they were medicated to the point of almost being a vegetable.
I know I’ll be happier once I get out of that apartment, but it does hurt, the cheating and I feel so dumb. I feel like I have been through some kind of war and I know that there is no point in any of it. 😦 Sorry for this novel, but it feels nice to get it all out.
Stay strong & be brave, your worth the effort I promise 🙂
Keep reading & healing & you will get through this awful experience.
You are not alone & we are here too 🙂
I am sorry I missed your story but, keep going & this will all pass, it takes time & work but, it’s going to be okay 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S…get a health screen as well & fingers crossed you’ll be okay.
Unfortunately I wasn’t & numerous partners from him aren’t either 😦
Just keep yourself healthy & concentrate on YOU 🙂
Mine told everyone, except me he was single??? Don’t worry, their single-mindedness translates as Single Minded….thinking only of themselves!
You are not dumb. None of us are. Mine did some pretty horrendous stuff and i am sure that there is much more i don’t know about. I could never prove that he cheated on me but i’m pretty sure he did.
The next few months will be rough but get out now and learn and grow.
text from soc trying to reconcile………I love you, no other woman for me, can’t live without you, marry me, we are soulmates, two of a kind, you are my best friend, etc. etc…..but…..I don’t have enough money to be with you, you need to bring in more income…..and don’t think I will ever sell my motorcycles or my vintage truck for a woman………..
I just had to flee my home and it is one in the morning. If I don’t come up to his camper hr is going to sit in my driveway all night. So I’m hiding in a parking lot ffs. I am OFF …help. what do I do??
ok he called repeatedly. I told him I gone to the city for the night. He gave me a few ‘fuck yous’ and accepted I wasn’t coming. I waited half hour and drove back home. luckily he doesn’t know I am driving a different car right now. I parked it on the street (leaving my driveway empty so he would still think I’m out) and went to damn bed!!! Oh..and then I got the final call – ‘just want to apologize I should not have sworn at you like that”.
there isnt any way to let him come over… talking is not what he wants. and there is no doubt I would have been sexually assaulted. I still feel pity too lol. But that’s all at least. i could have easily let him come and called my big burly male friends to intervene. But I still couldn’t do that. and pretty much all my fault…i slept with him again a few weeks ago. I was enjoying the transfer of control. So here’s a warning. getting control back is fleeting. and not worth it. i feel bad about that.. *sigh*
it sucks to hear what you are going through 😦 but constantly reaffirming to know that it is fleeting. If we all can share our experiences, even back-slides, we can each learn from one another. I wish you well and hopefully are feeling better!
I posted this in recovery n healing but thought it should go here too. For those of us who are spiritual , religious etc. this article is very Eyeopening to just how severe their evilness is.
Last night another fiasco. He just wanted to come and say goodbye properly and end hostility. (I refused). Then he said he was driving drunk home. I offered him a drive and he said he just wanted a follow. So I brought my son with me and did that. No face contact I drove off. Then the call. Hes got nothing wife taking it all he’s broke he’s quitting his job… ugh. Please come see me I’m lonely just to sleep nothing else. (I didn’t). I feel so much pity but finally my brain is overriding my heart. It does happen.
So, I have been noticing a lot of “anonymous” views to one of my social networking profiles. I know i can track who views me, but I didnt know they could remain anonymous. Am I looking too far into things to question whether its the soc or not? Or should I assume it wouldnt be him. Also, blocked calls? Am I hypersensitive to it possibly being him when really its not that uncommon at all? Thoughts?
So, I have been noticing a lot of “anonymous” views to one of my social networking profiles. I know i can track who views me, but I didnt know they could remain anonymous. Am I looking too far into things to question whether its the soc or not? Or should I assume it wouldnt be him. Also, blocked calls? Am I hypersensitive to it possibly being him when really its not that uncommon at all? Thoughts?
@ GL
There’s probably a better chance of anonymous browsers on social sites, but with respect to the phone, it could always be either marketing or creditor calls.
If it is him then let him look etc…just make sure it’s worth looking at i.e.
“Having a great time, my life is so much better & I am looking forward to the future” 🙂
Regardless, just let it go as it’s time.
You have a new life & a new beginning so, don’t worry about the Soc, he’s the past & it’s today & the future that is yours 🙂
Don’t keep over thinking it as part of you is probably hoping it is him? Then what if it is??
If it is him you are allowing him what he wants, control and power over you…please you are doing a great effort, don’t lose your time on thinking about if it is him or not.
Best regards
Can someone help me? I am in Alamo Ca. I need legal help and someone who will listen to me. He has my son. I am afraid and because he does not hit me, no one believes me. Any advice, please!
So here is my story, mainly because talking (typing) is the best therapy, secondly to alert all of you that while the sociopath is most often a male, they come in female varieties also.
First a little about myself, and this is likely harder for me to put down than the confession about my sociopathic relationship a little bit later.
I have been married three times, for the three best reasons. Love, Money and Forever. Neither worked out like I anticipated. My first wife was killed in an automobile accident along with our two children over 20 years ago. My second wife was a dalliance on both our parts, and after a long time of being single I met my third wife, who I truly thought was my soul mate. After ten years atogether, the last 18 months of that being total hell for us both, we divorced and I floated in my own sea of regret.
After 18 months of self loathing, I rejoined society and met the sociopath. Let’s call her Lily. When I first met Lily, she was dating a casual friend of mine. I knew right away that this woman was way too much for this friend. I watched a few months while she dragged this man into despair, and left him. She rapidly entered another relationship, which soon went sour as well. Then she saw my best friend. I was distanced from her, we didn’t really know each other well, but she had everything any man would want from a woman. She has an extremely contagious personality, when she is in the room, everyone smiles. She is rather attractive, some have labeled her gorgeous, and she has a voracious sexual appetite. She was about 7 years older than my best friend, (he 23, she 32). What kid his age could turn down such a prize?
Because Lily and he began their relationship, I came to be closer to her. I came to know her better than most, I supposed, and we spent many hours, days and weeks in each others company. I was the third wheel, I never interfered with her relationship with my friend. I loved them both.
When the news came that my friend was being transferred far away for his job, She became frantic, begging him to take her with her. He had no intention of doing so, and he told her that because of this turn of events, they should probably break up and move on with their lives. She was devastated, and turned to me for comfort. I gave her a shoulder to cry on, and understood her broken heart. After a few days, they reconciled with the understanding between the two, that it was only until he left, and she seemed happy to have that part of him.
She and I came to spend more and more time together, and I fell for her. I saw her as a broken thing, something that just needed a strong man to reassure that she was wanted, and needed, and I wanted to ‘fix’ her. I did not realize at the time, that she did not want, nor require, fixing.
So time went by and I spent more time with her than my friend did actually. It was almost as if he was saying to me to keep her safe, and be there when she falls. I cherished our time together, she made me very happy. I would take her to dinner, and drop her off at his place. I would pick her up from his place and take her to work. They would call me on the weekends to join them for dinner. Pretty cozy three way relationship, looking back on it. I carried the emotional baggage, and my friend reaped the rewards.
You are probably thinking me the fool by now, I can take it.
So the big day came, and my friend moved away. She spent that night out on a date with a new guy. I personally, was rather upset. She had broken our plans to go to this concert. The next day, I was convinced I was done with whatever illusion I had about there ever being an US. I sent her a text that day and mentioned I was at so and so, for this long, if you are about drop in. She did.
I was surprised. We went to another spot for dinner, Over dinner she was depressed, making comments about leaving town, and starting over. I mentioned that I had the same thoughts, why not go together? She asked if I would really take her with me, I told her if she agreed to marry me I would.
Pick your jaw back up. She agreed.
The next day I bought her a ring.
The day after that we came to our senses and decided that it was a horrible idea. The marriage was off. We would remain friends.
The following Saturday night, we spent our first night together. There were no grand illusions of undying love, it was more two people needing someone. I thought that to myself that night. It occurs to me that she didn’t need me, she had plenty of suitors. I convinced myself that she chose me because i was who she wanted to be with.
I ran with it.,We started to hang out more often. Then a pattern emerged. My first signs of my Lily being a sociopath. I didn’t recognize the behavior. Like so many here have said, I thought it was MY fault we were having these problems suddenly.
He favorite game to play was for us to go out until after midnight, then call another guy to come meet her. Any reaction I had to that was totally uncalled for, because as she constantly reminded me, I was not her boyfriend. She didn’t have to stay with me, just because I had been with her all night. I was not obligated to take her home, the list goes on. You get the gist, I am sure.
So I would tell her we were done, don’t bother me again. She would anyway, and I was right back in her trap.
The second time we called it off completely, she sent me a text asking if we could talk. I conceded and we did. I got her to agree that out of mutual respect, she would not pull that trick on me again, and we also agreed that if she planned to call someone later, she would not keep it a secret. That worked for a while.
We went to Atlantic City together, Don’t ask why. It was pure hell. Each day she would decide that since I wasn’t her boyfriend, ie; we weren’t in a committed relationship, I was cramping her style by wanting to spend time with her. She needed her space, and so on.
This would last prime time hours, until around 3 am, when she would want to make up and be together when she came back to our room. Essentially, while we were there, she had the time of her life, while I moped around our room wondering what the hell I had done to mess things up this time. The very last night of our five day trip, she was amazing, told me she loved me, confessed she had been a pain in the butt, everything was going to be fine. The last day and the trip home were fantastic.
A few days after we returned, she spent a week at my house. She told me she loved me, we talked about forever, we talked about children, we talked a bout a future together. I thought we had turned a corner. The corner led to a dead end.
The following Monday, we went out together, we had a great time, laughed, had some drinks. Then she told me she called a guy to come meet her, that i should probably go.
I left. In a huff. I had been drinking, my heart was broken, I was mad at myself for allowing it, I was mad at her for her lack of concern. I was mad at the world, and I was destroyed.
i went home and tried to kill myself. it didn’t work.
All of my friends said stay away from her. All of her friends said stay away from me. Our mutual friends were all saying the same thing to us both.
I came to realize that she wasn’t the one for me, so when she told me to not ever contact her again, i said okay, be happy.
Another week went by and she asked me if we could talk. I thought sure, I am in a good spot, I can close this up and be done.
We got together on a Friday afternoon. She confessed that everything she had told me was a lie. She never loved me, but she did miss me being her friend. I accepted that.
On the following Sunday she text me and asked me to pick her up from work. I did. She spent the next week in my house. She confessed her love for me, and her confusion, she wanted to be with me, but couldn’t commit. She was confused. She was, in my eyes, the woman I had fallen in love with again. Someone who was broken and needed fixing. I took it all in, hook line and sinker.
Then came the real world. the one where she suddenly stopped answering my texts because she was scared of how I felt for her.
Then I found this site, and among other resources, realized that its not me, it is her. The pattern became so evident when I read of the other experiences.
In some ways I feel saddened, that I was duped, and allowed myself to be fooled. I feel pissed off because she has toyed with my emotions and I just allowed her to do it blindly. However, mostly, I think i feel some relief, because now I understand that it is not me, how can anyone be wrong for simply loving another human being? It is her, and the comments and words on this page have helped me understand her, and myself a little better.
I am in the early stages, I am still a wreck, and I still love this woman to death… but now I know what to look for, what to be aware of, and how to proceed.
I think the question ‘how can it be wrong to love another human being’ is a question that most victims can ask. I know that I did. It is the act of betrayal of abusing your good nature that really hurts. But – someone else will benefit from you and your good nature. She doesn’t deserve it. I hope that your experience with her doesn’t change you….. Some people have the ability to love unconditionally – some can only use fake love to get what they want. Good luck with your healing. Welcome to the site!! 🙂
Hi Scrapperk,
Welcome to the site, I hope you will find healing & support here.
Just out of interest, how old are you? if your family passed 20 years ago & your best friend is 23, I cannot understand the time frame? 3 marriages in what time frame? I am sorry if this is prying but, just wondering.
I am 48. I am in great shape, most people see me in my late 30’s if they don’t know me. There is an age gap between she and I of more than a couple of years, but she is definately years beyond me in this game.
Hi Scrapperk,
Thanks for the clarification & in regards to your Soc being years ahead, they are born old & I often thought my Soc was old before his time. He gave me the impression he was born as an adult which would figure if you were born without empathy or conscience.They would pick up early that they need other skills to adapt their lives to?
My Soc said he was sexually active at 7 which blew my mind as I couldn’t fathom why but, put it down to him exaggerating but, probably wasn’t?
He was always bragging that he always got older woman, even as a teenager & I now know of two women old enough to be his mother that he had affairs with.
I am 50 now & he is 58 & he always said I was too young for him.
I had 10 years of Soc hell so, I wish you a speedy recovery which is possible here as I have found support & understanding makes it easier & quicker because, you are acknowledged & understood.
I am sorry you have had to suffer from the Soc torment & wish you well on your healing path & higher awareness as to why the Soc entered your life.
My own vulnerability & marriage breakdown, left me wide open for my Soc to enter & I saw him as my knight in shinning armour but, he turned out to be a very dark night indeed 😦
I am 7 months down the healing path & feeling great so, it does pass in time & you come out much stronger & self aware 🙂
Good Luck.
I tried to backslide. Why is it so damn hard to turn away? I do not have an addictive personality. I am not obsessive. I suppose in the long run she is still in the denial stage. She wants me to appear to be the stalker, because I sent her a text. I know its just a matter of time before she contacts me and asks, and if it happened right now, while I am typing this, I would say yes. How do you walk away? I know what’s right, I know what I am supposed to do. In my head I know I am right to stay away, but why does the other shoulder win out every time? It hasn’t been even a week since our last contact, I guess I just need more time. I keep reading, studying, learning, but I can’t commit. I keep trying to convince myself I need her, and that she needs me. Then again, I know I must accept that everything she ever told me was a lie. She really does not need me, she never did, she never will. I am so confused, and cannot find enough diversions to get this sucubus out of my head. I went on a date with a wonderful woman and we had a terrific time. My friends have been great about keeping me busy with dinner and other activities, yet every time I find myself alone I pine for her to call, to text, to reach out to me, and she does not. I know that’s because she is waiting for a lull in her own agenda, or maybe she has already picked a time and date when she plans to come back to me. I know, I really do understand how she is playing me, but I am afraid I am not strong enough to prevent it.
Sometimes it can take a while for your heart to catch up with what your head already knows. Usually you are manipulated (with the sociopath) so need to remove yourself for your own sanity. Remembe that they are masters at creating dependence and addiction to them. So don’t feel too bad If you relapse.. . Just start again with no contact. But write it down. …. How did contacting her make you feel? If you keep putting your hands on a hot stove to warm and your fingers get burned. After a while you learn you don’t want to get your fingers burned. Sometimes you need to go back again and again see the pattern repeat over and over (I did) and you realise that long term there is no change.
Yes you ARE strong enough to prevent it. The question is do you want to?
Your Welcome Srapperk 🙂
Ditto all you have said & I wasn’t fortunate to find this site until after I had made the mistakes….lol….oops so, I was not only able to relate but, I did the whole ‘shebang’ of exposure etc…looking loopy la la 😉
Still I had an effect & he was not happy!!!
I am a good communicator so, was believed & mainly because, I have a great network that already knows me & him so, I have come out the bigger person 🙂
My friends & family rallied like a team & dinners, flowers, weekends away & yes even a trip to Bali in a couple of weeks has kept me going 🙂
I’m off to ‘Eat, love & pray’ Yay :)….you will be okay & my life has become amazing & I’m okay :)….it made me really look at myself & uncovered a lot of deeper stuff so, it’s been a hard lesson but, one I really needed to learn 🙂
You are not alone, concentrate on you & do the healing…most of all just find peace & happiness in your self 🙂
P.S. you deserve better so, no more unacceptable behavior ever 🙂
PR xoxo
No such thing in life as mistakes PR :)… Only life lessons
Hi Scrapperk 🙂
If you stay in the game as a player then you will be ‘the game’ 😦
If you allow the abuse then it does continue over & over. You have the benefit of this site to alert you whereas I had no idea so, stayed & was played for 10 years!
It is up to you & you know it’s the addiction that holds you, it’s also the reality of the Soc, ‘Is she or isn’t she etc…’, you cannot believe you are actually dealing with a cold calculating predator & that you actually are only a source of supply to them.
It’s hard to get your head around if your an empath (you are)…so, you will stay in the Soc fog until the final straw & then it’s time to find your way back to you!
I would still be in the game if it weren’t for the OW in my saga, she alerted me & my Soc wasn’t ready to discard & happy to have us both or all (their were others apparently)…my story is here under older comments on June 14th.
I have cycled through the whole scenario & I would never have believed my own story if you had told me what I was going to find out. It almost seems like a false reality as I came to terms with all the revelations & I am still amazed at the length & breadth that a Soc will go too!
It’s up to you but, at the end of the day, you must ask yourself what is best for you & your own well being? I would rather be alone than live in the Soc world of lies & manipulation. You must examine why you feel the need to perhaps give her another chance etc…they play on your vulnerabilities so, be wary & wise…you are not alone & I have watched/read others here where you are but, inevitably they finally ‘SEE’ their life & the pointlessness of the Soc in it!
Good Luck, stay strong & find YOU in all this & go from there 🙂
Real, true & worthy women are out here so, don’t give up 🙂
Thank you both PR and PG. I have kept this site open in the background all day, and keep returning to it for more support each time she crossed my mind today. I have learned so much, and identified so much about her behavior today, and it has made me stronger.
I saw a post about finding closure. I read a comment about how they can just drop and leave, and related it to my own experience. My SOC slept with me this passed Monday night, when I took her home the next day, the last words we spoke to each other was that she would call me later. We haven’t spoken since.
I also recognized that she had been grooming me for months, long before my friend left town. I had revealed to her that I was falling for her months before, and out of respect for her and my friend, I played it real slow and even saught others to get my mind off of her. She found out on two occasions that I was out somewhere with two different women that I had confided in her I had an interest, and was able to insert herself into that time I spent with them. Whatever may have bloomed away from her, even while she was with my friend, was something she couldn’t bear to have happen.
I feel like I was blind to not have seen it happening. Looking back now it all seems so clear.
I also see that she has moved onto another feeder. I learned today that this was probably something she had already lined up before she pulled the disapearing act on me. I felt like I wanted to warn him, say something, anything to avoid someone else going through this with her. Then I learned that anything I did to interject an opinion would make me seem like the control freak, or obsessed fool she had painted me be to him. I am sure he sees himself as her savior. I pity him. However, I have my own cross to bear.
I also wanted to scream out to our mutual friends that she is the DEVIL! LOL.
Then I read that doing that would end badly for me, and decided that I didn’t need their support.
This site, and your advice has kept be grounded today. I believe myself a fast healer, and hope I work through this quickly. Thank you all for sharing your advice, your experiences and opening your hearts to those that need this support. You are a blessing.
Wow….the calling of other guys and having to deal with it rings a familiar bell. Also the push me/pull me act of I love you/I just need a friend/you’re too intense/your confused/it’s only friendship/can I come ever and make love to you/you are an amzing lover/no phone or texs for 3 or 4 days/won’t answer phone/ and on and on. The hell with her and people like her. They don’t know how to have a relationship. The only time they “need” other people is when they need a fix of some kind (supply) from that person. That can’t help, however, attempting to destroy that other person..who over time becomes willing through the attrician of their own stamina to fight off the come ons.
I have found, reading though all of these comments, other posts to this site, and in general, that EVERYTHING was the same for each of us, only the names and sex of the SOC changed between experiences. I think you are beginning to see the light. We are here for you Bro. Just like any other addiction, take it one day at a time.
A good woman will find you and you them. She doesn’t deserve you!
You are strong enough…you’ll see.
There are times when we are confonted with doing, not what we want, but with what we have to do. It’s not easy (we love them, and we were hoping for a change for so long) but the prize that you will receive is invaluable, yourself, your dignity, your principles…
Remember step by step you are making you way to a better place.
A big hug, and just four three final words
“You will be fine!”
She will keep playing this game as long as you let her. You need to ask yourself if this is really the type of person you want in your life. Do you want the games, the lies, the manipulation? How can you ever trust her? People like this don’t change.
Take the time to learn about yourself and why you would allow her back into your life after all she’s done. My advise would be to remain No Contact. Take the time to heal. You will come out stronger and wiser. Trust me, I’ve been there….I know, as many of us on this site do.
I just found your site today. From what I understand, I’m in the ruining stage just now. Lots of lies being spread about me. It is incredibly hurtful. So much of what you’ve written is so very familiar to me. Thank you for creating this site. I don’t think I feel strong enough to say what happened to me and I suppose that’s because I’m still really confused and scared that it was my fault. Anyway, he has gone now but I am terrified that I’ll bump into him at some point, and there’s a good chance of that as he still lives in the same area as me.
Firstly it is not your fault, you must remember that 🙂
When your ready, we are here to listen/read & support you 🙂
We understand what it’s like first hand so, don’t be afraid to share as it will help you heal & recover.
You will be okay & stay strong, don’t give up….your here & your among friends :)….It’s going to get better & you’ll be okay again soon 🙂
Wow.. who knew, I was browsing the internet just trying to understand my recent break up. Typing things into Google and as I started reading what was on this site. It was scary how clueless I was. I knew what happened to me couldn’t be the work of a normal man. He seemed like Mr. Perfect. He protrayed all the things I wanted met my family and friends, rushed the relationship. Hacked my facebook because he is a city employee and privacy settings didn’t matter when he was browsing at work. He isloated me from my male best friend made me feel guilty and my best friend warned me but since I knew he had feelings for me I didn’t believe what he said was true. That man made me fall in love made me think he was the one. I let him meet my child the only man i let meet.my child. I could not understand why a man would go through such lengths if he wasn’t serious. He tryed to get me pregnant. Thank god for plan b now it all makes sense. I’m glad I broke it off ! I did it because I found myself sad and confused all the time I was unhappy. I could no longer picture myself in this. Doing the final stage of though we were broken up told I was dating someone else. He got angry left I never saw him again but got angry text that day. I later on wrote him a thank u email thanks for the experince he helped me grow. Told him I was dating a great guy. He later on asked me to call him. I replied and told him my email was about me saying thank u and apologizing for my errors but it wasn’t a branch for conversation ..again I am dating a great man and I dont want to mess things up..which is so true I’m happy now..I just wished I never emailed that loser. This site is sealed the deal on this break up. I left for a reason I knew something wasn’t right thank you for being my closure. ..
First off, let me just say I am thrilled that I actually found a website support group for dating a sociopath because I never thought in a million years anyone would be able to understand and relate. Thank the lord…because i’m so very damaged and my self esteem has completely been destroyed. And the only way i think it could possibly get better is by talking to people that understand so i don’t feel alone and crazy.
Here is my story:
A year ago I was at one of the happiest points of my life. I was content with the way my life was going and i was also really confident as a person. I was in college for music and i was dating around flirting with cute boys going to parties. I mean you get the idea, life was going great and I was just happy and having fun. I thought nothing could bring me down or take away my happiness. Not even heartbreaks from boys! Because trust me throughout college i had my share of getting my heart broken because i have a bad tendency of going after the frat guys and jocks. You know, the typical guys who don’t know what they want yet so they like to play the field and toy with girls hearts. I had been toyed with so many times at that point, but still i didn’t really let it phase me, my self esteem was still high and happy after all of it.
Well my friend invited me to a party one night and I met my ex (the sociopath), lets call him Brandon. He flirted with me like CRAZY and i didn’t really pay attention to him because i didn’t really know who he was!! He just kind of came out of nowhere and started talking to me all night haha. So whatever i didn’t really think anything of it. Well me and my friend went to his house a few nights after just to hang with him and his roommates because my friend already knew all of them really well.The more Brandon talked to me the more interesting he became. He had this vibe to him that i had never felt before, it was very intriguing. He was very down to earth, funny, relateable, talkative. He was the “Life of the party” type of guy. I became addicted to being around him. I hung out with him every other day for a few months. We became best friends quickly. He would share things with me that he wouldn’t share with other people. He told me he had bad depression and was sad all the time. He also told me all of these sob stories about how people had screwed him over in the past. I was there for him so much and he enjoyed my company and my sympathy because it showed him i really cared about him. Then one night, he told me he thought of me as more than a friend and was very attracted to me. He wanted to know if i felt the same and i told him i did, so we started making out and things just heated up between us very fast. This became a normal thing for us for about two months. He would text me everyday, we would cuddle, he would take me on dates, watch movies with me, and basically treat me like his girlfriend. I though we were going to be in a relationship. Well randomly one night he texted me and told me he didn’t want a relationship with me and that he just would rather us be friends because he was scared he would end up hurting me if we continued what we were doing. Ok weird? I tried to talk him out of it because it was very dissapointing news but he insisted on just being friends and nothing more.
So a week or so later he had a big party at his house. Me and him were “friends” at this point but he was well aware that i still really liked him. Music was being played and he was standing next to me talking…I thought he’d start dancing with me but instead he all of the sudden goes and grabs this girl that his roommate had been hooking up with and starts dancing with her. While he does it, he looks me straight in the eye and starts grinding on her. As if he was trying to make me jealous, but i was confused because i had done NOTHING to make him act this way. I was nothing but nice to him. I looked at him back and was pissed, it didn’t phase him though he kept doing it. Then he grabs her hands and walks by me and says “come on girl lets go up to my room.” My heart sunk. I couldn’t believe what he was doing. I ended up going over to his room because his roommate was in there talking to them because he was wondering where she was. Brandon noticed i looked pissed so he confronted me in the hall and asked if i was ok. I ignored him because he was playing dumb on purpose, of course i wasn’t ok!! Anyways he ended up having sex with that girl. He hurt me and he hurt his roommate (which was one of his best friends). He didn’t even know the girl that he had sex with, he just did it to hurt us. That incident ended Brandon’s friendship with his roommate,he was very hurt and felt betrayed. It didn’t make sense because his roommate was such a good friend to him(they were friends for years). Brandon just let go of the friendship like it was nothing though and went about his life as if it didn’t happen. He felt NO remorse for it and refused to apologize because he didn’t think he did anything wrong. It was very bizarre.
So I moved on from him and dated someone else.Brandon and I remained friends after talking the party incident out. When he found out i was dating someone else and was happy again he got very angry about it. After me and that guy ended up not working out Brandon all of the sudden decided he wanted to try to date me again. So we dated for about another two months because we both were still into each other. Or so it seemed. Well randomly one night after we were at a happy level where it felt like we were going to be together he told me ONCE again that he didn’t want to date me because he didn’t think of me in a romantic way, only as just a friend. I was shocked and crushed. This was the first time he was that honest with me. I asked him if he ever really liked me or if he was just using me this whole time to sleep with me and he couldn’t give me a straight answer. He just said he thought it was understood we were just friends. I had so many questions for him but he basically told me he didn’t want to talk about it. I was so confused , i felt stupid for thinking i ever had a chance with him, and my self esteem was begginng to crumble. I didn’t understand why he would pursue me so hard (dates, cuddle, movies, talking for hours on the phone) if he never really wanted me to begin with. It was a cruel game he was playing with me. And i had no clue what i did to deserve it because i had been nothing but sweet to him. Yet he kept screwing me over and trying to upset me on purpose just for the heck of it. It really seemed that he actually enjoyed hurting me, making me feel dumb, and watching me fall. And he really didn’t seem to feel bad for hurting me. It was strange. No guy had ever done that to me before, not even the jerks and players! I mean they would screw me over, but they at least felt bad about it.
I was so hurt but i was so attached to him as a person that i tried to stay friends with him at least. We started hanging out a lot and he started flirting with me again. He said said he actually wanted to be with me and that he had changed his mind. He said this time he wanted to make it more official though and tell everyone of our friends about us being together because in the past we were secretive about it and that always bothered him. So i was starting to spread the word but out of nowhere he just vanished and went super cold on me. He was being very mean and started avoiding me and blowing me off like crazy. He talked me one day and said ” After thinking about it, maybe we shouldn’t tell people about us, it might not be a good idea because i don’t want a relationship right now”. Once again i was very confused. He was acting odd out of nowhere and this time was avoiding me like crazy. He kept telling me “Im too busy to see you”. I didn’t see him for a whole month. Then randomly I ran into him one day at the store, i asked him what he had been up to and he said “nothing really just bumming around”. I said “wow i thought you had been busy this whole time?” and he said “i don’t know what you’re talking about i was actually busy”. He knew i caught him in a lie, yet he wouldn’t admit to it no matter how much evidence i had. He became really defensive and angry with me and tried to make me feel dumb for standing up for myself.
After that happened i completely stopped talking to him because i had hit rock bottom. I felt so worthless and dumb. I had put SO much into our relationship, and he was putting out nothing. He knew i was upset and yet he was not there AT ALL for me, when i was there SO much for him. I let him in a know in a letter i gave him how hurt i was and that i was ending the friendship. I never got a response back, he completely ignored the letter and didn’t respond back at all. I was shocked, i at least thought he would say his sorries for hurting me, but i got nothing but silence. My friend went over to his house recently and said he is happy and seems to be living life as if me and him never existed. I am so very hurt because i am truly wounded from this experience and he literally could care less. My self worth, and self esteem is completely gone. I am so damaged that i don’t think i could ever trust men again. I just feel empty and it sucks. I never thought a year ago there would be any way i would ever end up this damaged. I was incredibly happy last year. But i unfortunately dated a sociopath that sucked the life right out of me.
Brandon’s behavior was the biggest mystery to me until last night when someone told me he might be a sociopath. I looked up the symptoms, and sure enough he matched every single one of them. It sucks to realize what he is but at least now it all makes sense and i’m not just crazy. He literally lives his life praying on other people’s happiness because he doesn’t have it himself. He is a very miserable and depressed person so i guess he gets satisfaction from hurting people that are close to him because it makes him feel like they are in pain just like him. I never thought actual human beings existed like that. I thought everyone felt empathy towards each other, but i guess that isn’t the case. Some people really do enjoy seeing others in pain. How do you even begin to recover from this?
Hi played, thank you for your story and welcome to the site. I am sorry to read that you are hurting so bad. Discard does hurt as it can make you feel worthless.
But you know he while this has hurt you deeply, he has done you a favour? Now hopefully you will be aware for the future. I don’t know if he is a sociopath they are masters of deceit and illusion. Compulsive pathological liars who will go to great lengths to cover for their lies. Never admitting to them even when the truth is staring you In the face they often try to keep you for potential future source of supply if they can. Just a small foot in the door.
He hasn’t treated you well or made you feel good about you. There are millions in the world with personality disorders of somekind. The effect on you being involved is not good.
If he has low self esteem and gets pleasure from hurting others to make himself feel good about himself he might be a narcissist.
They do this. Sociopaths are charismatic and charming. Your mind will be left confused as they smile and have kind eyes.
Sociopaths will say ANYTHING to get what they want and will go to incredible lengths to do so.
What he is is not important. What is important is how he has made you feel. You ask how you can get over this? Total avoidance might not be possible if you ARE in college together. But as much as you can block him out of your life. Block him on social networkworking from your mobile phone, email. This should help to empower you.
Also and more importantly remember nobody can take away you. You still are the same person (if wiser) that you were before you met him. That person is still within you. Nobody can take you away from you. The trick is finding you again.
I wrote a post how to find the person in the mirror. I can’t put it up as I am on my phone app but if you do a search you should be able to find it.
This is how you begin to recover, by telling your story & finally writing it all down & reading it to yourself etc…it happened & you have survived 🙂
You will read & read & learn & learn some more & you will transition through each stage until you gain the self awareness that this type of encounter causes.
This is the lesson you will take & learn….no more accepting the unacceptable from any guy ever.
You deserve better & will now strive for better, more worthy people in your life.
Your young & it’s hard too come to terms with the Soc reality 😦
They are everywhere & you now have the tools to recognise them so, you can avoid them in future.
You are not alone & we welcome you here with support & empathy 🙂
You will be okay, your an amazing woman so, don’t forget that ever, we will remind you 🙂
Love & light….stay NO CONTACT or you will be drawn back in & around you’ll go again….be brave….PR xoxo
Hi, i dont know where to start, im 17 and i just got out of a really long hard relationship, and now ive realised he is a sociopath.. till now i didnt really know what they were. im struggling alot with the break up, i tried so hard, and i have never been so honest and opened up to someone the way i did with him. i really need some advice and how to cope with it. our relationship started off like a fairy tale, i realised early on he was lying about some things about his family and stuff but i thought it was just that he was insecure and he wanted to impress me. i forgve him. but it just conitnued for more than a year, i felt like i had to be very understanding, that he was troubled and vunrable and just needed love and support. i gave him everything i could, i got him a job, i let him move in with me coz his family threw him out, i even secured him a flat helped him with his education. then the day he moves out he left me just like that. i feel really despressed i feel like i gave him my heart and it ried to be the best person and i never held back, and now its like i dont understand, who he is. how do i deal with a break up when i dont even know the person its like our whole relationship was jsut fabricated but i was real.he ept lying through out but i truely belived he could change that he would grow out of it but ii was wrong. he lied about everuthing, i found alot of it out just after he broke up with me,and his lies werent innoccent they made me act differently he pretended to have diabetes and it worried me so much i used to look after him, buy him special foods, and his “head aches” and so on. i just feel alot of pain i dont have anyone to talk to about it, my friends and family are great but they treat it like anyother break up, they dont understand what it feels like to share everything with someone who well i dont even know who i shared everything with. how could someone do that? i was so inlove with the person i thought i was with and it felt real, now im wondering did he ever lovve me? and how could you hurt someone so much if you love them at all? any advice would really be welcome thank you 🙂
Hi Emma, welcome to the site!! I don’t think that sociopaths do love in the same way that non socios do. But this is not a reflection on you. If you read through posts on this site it should help you to make sense of what you have to experienced and hopefully to help you to heal and recover. Welcome to the site 🙂
Reading about the signs of dating a sociopath makes me want to cry.. I think I’m still in denial: Of course I know, somewhere deep down, that he will never change and that I deserve better, but I still love him and hope for him to change – how stupid. We are really far away from each other and will be until next September, so it’s hard to find myself in the struggle that we are in. Is it just the long-distance, am I really being as mean as he makes me out to be? How can I get out of this mess without it leaving too many scars?
Hi sociopaths are great at creating drama. Playing victim and telling you how you are being mean. This space between you until next Sept is good if he makes you feel bad about you. Try to take some time to focus on you. You can leave this with wisdom.
Exactly, he’s a DRAMA-QUEEN!
Yes, I think I’m grateful to that, because I ended up doing something I didn’t have the courage to before. Things are looking grim right now, but I’ve read much worse on this site, so I think I’m getting outta there alive 😉
Yes and you have your freedom. Honestly freedom is something that you wouldn’t have with a sociopath.
What do you mean when you say you want him to change? In what way?.
That’s what I observed, too. But he couldn’t take my friends away 🙂
Hi guys, I need advice – I want to do the no contact thing and have removed him from FB but left him on Skype. He has texted on and off (only when he is bored or thinks I am out and about and having fun – if he thinks I am stuck at home with my kids he ignores me). I have started leaving a false trail, saying I am at my mother’s when I am not, just generally not letting him know what I am up to AND… lo and behold!! I read this site daily and he acts in a text book socio way that is amazing to watch BUT….
It still hurts and I need to give him a sofa and a bed back from my house but I don’t know how to go about it – he owes me money but I still want to give him these things back to do the right thing”…. he is 51 and has moved back into his parent’s since, although he bragged about it being his house etc etc, it is actually mine and he has not legal rights to any of it.
I just need the stuff gone so I don’t have to look at it and I know it sounds pathetic compared to some of your stories but I feel like my house is “dirty” and would rather sleep on the floor than in a bed we shared.
There are a couple of other things, like a mobile contract in my name and some outstanding bills but I would rather bite the bullet on that (although my daughters could do with the money, which is making me angry) than have contact with him.
I was thinking of having a fire – it being Bonfire Night next week – lol but as much as I would enjoy it, it seems wrong to burn someone else’s stuff.
I think this is me trying to get closure – it’s been 5 weeks since I chucked him out and he has told everyone that he walked out on me because I am mad. I have managed to hold my tongue, although I live in a small town, but I am lucky cos my close friends believe me and that is all that matters.
Hi Lulu, he has left the stuff & money ties so he has a connection or that you feel a connection, which you do 😦
‘Feeling dirty’, you have absolutely every right to feel like that, I still feel like it sometimes & knowing the full Sociopath way of life, I feel disgusted that a vile creature ever touched me…eeeww!!! Like having a serpent slither over me, I am good now but, that really made me feel vile ;(
Just give his stuff to a charity etc…write off the money as much as that stinks, he will either never pay or string it out so long it will just cause you more harm.
I doubt he’s living with his parents, he may be but, bound to have another source somewhere close?
Keep No Contact or you will set your healing backwards & 5 weeks is a great start but, it takes months & months to let go of the pain & grief etc…
Stay strong, it does get better but, is a process.
You are free of his stupid games & name calling is just his way of hurting you.
You are not mad but, he will drive you mad if you let him….:(
This site has been absolutely fascinating and I realise that I have just had the biggest near miss (well, he didn’t quite miss but I’m just about out of it within 2.5 months) – luckily he lives over 200 miles away and we only met twice.
We “met” when he contacted me via the Plenty of Fish website. His profile was brilliant – well written, long, good grammar, and saying everything I wanted to hear – he wanted a soulmate and best friend. He was housetrained – he could cook and iron. He was tactile and liked holding hands. Etc etc.
Over the course of the next two months (and even up to today) he bombarded me constantly with texts, emails to my Hotmail account, WhatsApps and emails to my work address. When it started to go wrong, after a month and the second visit (where he drugged me) – I printed off EVERYTHING (I even bought an app to allow me to download my texts from my iPhone), put it all into date order and filed it – it fills two lever arch files. There are tens of thousands of messages in there – it’s completely mental.
His messages quickly got very sexual, but it was really exciting – I just can’t believe how I reacted or how sucked in I became. I am a 56-year old woman with a good job, company car, nice house – I’m not a down and out “victim” type at all! But he was SOOO clever!There is LOADS more but it would take me a week to write it.
I thought I had found the man of my dreams, my absolute soulmate. I realise now that his grooming and mirroring was exemplary. I kept finding strange anomalies but refused to listen to what my mind-blown brain was trying to tell me.
– He was FURIOUS when I saw him online on Plenty of Fish after a couple of weeks – I made a complete joke out of it, but he went ballistic, saying he had removed his profile and that I was the only one he wanted. But I was sat looking at him ONLINE at the same time! And I wasn’t even “accusing” – it was such early days that I was making a joke out of it. I was still on the website myself at that point.
– His sister was dying, and apparently her life support machine was switched off on the weekend he visited me, which is why he had to rush off late afternoon after some frantic (but false, I am sure) phone calls and texts.
– His father died three weeks later “of a broken heart” because of his sister – this was his excuse for being “exceptionally busy” one week – he was arranging the funeral.
– When I was having a pancreatic cancer scare he immediately said he had pancreatic cancer and that he has radiotherapy every Friday when he’s in the country (he APPARENTLY travels a lot for his job).
– He proposed to me twice within the first month
– When I was having the cancer scare he was apparently halfway through his Penang/Siberia trip. He said he was going to hand in his notice the following Monday and fly straight back to me in Yorkshire (we had only met once, for one evening) because “You shouldn’t have to go through this alone” – but at that point, I didn’t know whether I was going to be going through anything.
– He was apparently in Penang and then Siberia – but when he sent me a photo of his screensaver (a picture of me that he “loved”) the time was UK time.
– He sent me photos of a Tiger Zoo in Siberia that he said he had visited that day (it was a Sunday). The photos were all different sizes, obviously professional, and I later found them all on the internet.
– Likewise three photos of a Thai banquet he apparently ate at in Penang one night – one of the photos even had the original photographs signature tag on it, I later found, when I printed it out!!! Needless to say, he wasn’t in any of these photos – neither was anyone else. They were from adverts for restaurants!
– He drove down to see me on a Sunday morning, direct off a 21 hour journey with four apparent changes of flight, driving straight down to Yorkshire from Glasgow airport …. but when he arrived he looked as fresh and clean as a daisy and there was no sight of a luggage tag anywhere. His bag was small (he told me he always travels light) and his shirts perfectly ironed (he’d had them laundered in the hotel).
– On one occasion he told me he earned “a pop star’s salary”, on another he said he only earned £30K (his job would normally attract a much higher salary but he blamed the fact that salaries in Scotland are much lower than England – he’s Glaswegian and works near Edinburgh).
– When I mentioned the cost of cigarettes one day, he said he was so broke until pay day, a week later, he couldn’t afford any, as he had had to pay for repairs on his Jag – so I “loaned” him £100.00 – sent it to his bank account. Needless to say, the loan has never been repaid.
– On another “Penang” trip two weeks ago, I was sure he wasn’t out of the country, so on the Monday morning I phoned his direct line at work – and he answered immediately. When I confronted him with it he said that professional companies like his diverted calls when he was away. No-one diverts a UK company landline to a mobile number in Penang! And it would take time to connect – he answered on the first ring!
– He constantly creates arguments out of thin air “shouting” by text/email and calling me names (we have only spoken on the phone twice and that was very brief – the whole “relationship” has been conducted by text and email). Then within seconds he can be back, communicating normally, as if nothing has ever happened.
– He dumped me three days after visiting “because of the way [I] had behaved” – I didn’t know what he was talking about. I don’t do extreme behaviour – if I drink too much I fall asleep, and that’s about as extreme as I get. And When I checked, I hadn’t drunk any more than I would on a normal night during the week. Then I realised, over a few hours, that actually I could barely remember anything about the day he arrived – just four brief flashes at 2.30pm. 4.30pm, 9.15pm and the following morning at about 7.00am. I had effectively lost the best part of 15 hours. Which is when I realised what had happened (there’s a lot more to this).
When he dumped me I felt absolutely BEREFT. I became completely obssessed with getting back in touch with him. As I said, over the course of a week I printed out every single conversation from every medium.
Someone mentioned psychopaths and sociopaths to me and I started to research it – and BANG! Lightbulb moment or what!
I have accused him of EVERYTHING – drugging, lying, being an alcholic (he drank a whole bottle of very strange “vodka” that he brought with him to my house, in one night), being a psychopath or sociopath. But still he comes back.
I haven’t seen him since 9th September, when he left to try and get back to “dying” sister before her life support was switched off, but we’ve been to hell and back in texts and emails. On Monday this week I got a text from him: “What ru doing evening of 7/11?” I didn’t reply for a couple of hours as I was out. When I got home I said “Nothing planned. Why?” He then sent me the same text over and over again: “Never mind … it was a dumb idea …”. He then emailed me and said he’s on a course in Nottingham next week and thought he might call in on the way back. I have neither said yes or no, but he’s gone off on one again.
Today’s texts:
“Am just not prepared to have my chain yanked when you want me then dropped when you don’t … Sorry.” Errrrrr? What was that about?
Then: “You keep getting me to think that this could work somehow then you say something that yanks the rug away … then you come back and make out everything is fine. Then wonder why I get fucked off?”. This is what HE does, not ME!!!!!!!
I am not going to reply. I am no longer obssessed with him – having read all I’ve read I really do realise that the “dream relationship” was a complete sham and I really have had a lucky escape. But he’s still got a bit of a hook into me, I can’t deny it. But I’m fighting it!!! Big time!
What’s the betting (if he really IS in Nottingham next week) I hear from him before 7/11? And what do I do if he lands on my doorstep that night?!!
I am so glad I found this website, I believe it is going to save my life, I did not realize the mess I was in until it was waaaaayyyy too late, but luckily I now have knowledge that its not too late and there is healing in recovery
God….it’s been almost a month since I walked away from my scoiopath girlfriend. I still feel waves of things that are so broken in me. I can’t believe I let this girl do this. I have literally a difficult time even believing anything good about myself anymore. I can’t believe what this girl did and how I let her! She never has done anything with her life. She hides behind being a mother of four as an unquestionable achievement. Its not achievement when she made the choice to screw around on her husband several times, and then move out with another guy leaving her kids behind. She explains that the reason state the supports her and her kids, is because she escaped from an “abusive husband.” Oh yeah, while she collects benefits she also has moved her two younger kids in and herself in to live off her rich mother.
She managed to undermine everything that is sacred to me. I have a great career, am a decorated veteran, and musician/singer. I have all this going for me but have to have friends come check on me eveynight when “the pain hits.” Its like a spiritual rape of somekind that has occured from dating this wackjob for a year. The most troubling part is the weirdness that would occur during sex. She would become odd. I am described by most people as masculine. I was sexually abused as a child, and have worked hard to overcome that. But this woman has brought me back to that helpless horrifying place of helplessness and hopelessness I felt as a child. Like I said, if I didn’t have such good friends I think I would probably be in a hospital or something. I feel so freaking broken.
Someone please respond. I feel like I’m dying inside. I’m freaking broken
Hi Broken,
First and foremost, You are not Broken, It is her. I am in the same spot you are, being just a few weeks of awareness and acceptance that my ex is a sociopath as well. I can tell you this, the people that post here have very sage advice and just browsing around this site can give you the information and confidence, as well as support to understand that it’s not you.
I can only restate was has already been said, but I did want to give you the reassurance that there is help availabe. My own story is above, and you can see that my SOC took me as far down as you can go, then yet again tried to get back on board when it was over. Be strong, accept the fallacies are not within yourself, and begin to heal, It can be a hard road, but the reward is getting yourself back.
You can do it.
Jesus, thank you. I never thought I’d need such support but I do and am so grateful its there. Thank you Scapperk
@broken. It’s not that UR broken its more that they are better at the game than we are. I’m going thru similar things. The isolation. The torment. The realization of it all. I learned here that they create an addiction in us and its not like a normal relationship/breakup. I went thru waves of emotions like u r now. I still get them but fewer between. Give urself three months. Read articles here. Post comments here. Get a counselor if u need one but stay NC w her. After three months u will be in a different place. Not healed all the way but past some of the pain and believe me even tho u think of her u will not want her back to go thru this all again. I am at three months. Starting month four. I missed him just the other day due to a triggering event but lookin at his sickness I know I don’t wanna walk this road again! So I’m giving myself another three months. In other words take baby steps if u have to. Pray if u do that. Stay busy w friends. And allow urself to feel these feelings right now. They r normal emotions and u r not broken. she was broken. You deserve a real person who can really love and care. I think we all got a taste I what we want from our partners that now we know we can have it. And we will find it in someone. Just remember she is a game. Don’t play it!!
Thankyou so much Judahbug. This support system is giving me some sanity back. I guess its the sexual attraction/addiction I formed thats wrecking me now. Even though, when looking back, she was more into herself than us even when we were intimate.
I guess I shouldn’t think about it. First thing she said was what a stud she thought I was. The mistake I made was being flattered that she thought that and expressed that. That was throwing her signals that she could alter my self-esteem through sex and giving/or witholding flattery.
Well Done Scrapperk & your doing a great job supporting Broken 🙂
Paying it forward is a great sign of healing, you are really doing a lot to help 🙂
Stay strong & keep moving forward 🙂
Man, the memories keep flowing in like a delayed release bomb. Thanksgiving: I was invited over to Thanksgiving at her mom’s estate (where she lived for free at the age of 45 while simultaneously collecting benefits..she works but spends her money on beauty products). Her mother asked me if I wanted a drink, so I said sure. I’d love a beer. All the sudden my SOC starts whispering in my ear that her kids won’t like me if I drink in front of them. I said that is weird. They don’t even know me. She said that she has a drinking problem and that they don’t want to see her with anybody drinking. Meanwhile I catch her sneaking drinks in with her sister in the kitchen. I’m starting to get confused. I say the hell with it and think..if her mom thinks its okay, then I’ll have a beer. I started feeling like I was imagining things. My beer kept disappearing, and I finally caught her pounding it down in the basement where I went to have a cigarette. I asked her why she made me feel like a jerk for having a beer. ANd I said that it wasn’t really that hospitable and it threw me off balance. She said “I apologize for my kids” (they hadn’t done anything let alone speak to me). The next thing she did totally took me by surprise. Again, I’m no prude and have had good, fun, sexy relationships. But her performing oral sex on me with her family upstairs kind of shocked me, and sort of gave me the creeps. I must admit though..I couldn’t stop it. She told me “not to worry about making a mess because she would take care of it.” WHen I ejaculated she forced it all onto my clothes and made a mess of my pants and shirt. She laughed at me and told me I’d have to wear one of her father’s (who is deceased) sweaters. It was a heavy wool sweater. The house was extremely hot and I remember sweating all the way through what I thought would be a lovely dinner (her whole family ..siblings..nieces..nephews…etc). I’ll never forget the look of everybodys’ faces as I sat there with the patriarch’s sweater on and sweating like a slob. SHe just sat there and laughed at me and announced to the table that I must be sweatin gout last nights alcohol (which made me look like a total loser). By now I felt so self conscious that I couldn’t wait for dinner to end and I could go home. The next week her sister said everybody loves me. My ex-SOC whispered to me her kids don’t cuz they think I’m a heavy drinker. Thus the disaster begins
Gentle souls are always the target of sociopaths. They seem to zero in on us and use our kindness as a mind game for their kicks. They are evil souls. It takes a lot of distance but “no contact” heals all wounds.
Oh god, I am struggling. I dislike him intensely but I also miss him. What is that all about? I don’t know that I can ever get over him…even though he used me. I seem to have no dignity left.
Hi r, if the person that you were with was a sociopath, you will know that there was a duality of personality. What you were shown and what was real. It can be difficult as what is shown to you is perfection. Whilst behind the scenes is carnage. Sociopaths also deliberately create dependency and addiction. Try to stay strong. Tell yourself you won’t make contact just for today. See this as an addiction. It’s easier to manage an addiction day by day. Tell yourself you can break it tomorrow if you need to (then tomorrow renew). Read the article how to get your feelings out without breaking contact. Try to keep yourself busy. Know that if you went back things would either be the same or likely worse. Write a list of all the happy things you want to invite into your life. Visualise it, see it, breath it…. You deserve it. Remember just one day at a time. As more things come into your life . As your world gets bigger his presence will seem smaller and you will feel more in control.
@positivagirl. Thank you so much. I don’t have contact with him anymore and haven’t for about 6 months. 6 months ago I felt like a broken woman but each day that passes I feel a little bit stronger. Some days are difficult and can leave me feeling incredibly distressed and absolutely worn out but those days are becoming fewer. Thank you for your support. x
I am on the same struggle. I thought he was honest, but he was using me.
I am in the middle of a bitter divorce involving a sociopath. He owes me $30,000. Aside from the money, we have a baby. He just got his supervised visitation waived because he completed a SODAT course. I had him drug tested in court….he failed. He also got a DUI after I left him in Feb ’13. I know he is a sociopath, but how can I go about getting it noticed in a court of law? I am afraid for my child. My lawyer keeps saying that I have to have evidence. How do I get evidence? How can I have him tested? He’s a sociopath….a horrible liar. I found out after filing for a restraining order that he has a criminal record. I could go on and on about what he has done to me, but I really need to know if you can put me in contact with someone that has had a sociopath challenged and diagnosed in a court of law. I need to speak to someone that has had this challenge and how they overcame it. It’s not about winning at this point…I know that there is no winning when it comes to him… it’s about protecting my baby.
I went thru a grueling 3 year custody battle with a mad man. I had three little girls he tried to get full custody of . We both had to take psychiatric tests and be interviewed by court psychiatrist for the courts to make a visitation/custody ruling. They gave me custody with him having regular visitation. I will tell you this……..you are wasting your time saying you believe he is a sociopath or any other diagnosis……..unless the court believes your child’s life is in danger or they will be neglected to the point of child abuse….that is the only way they will keep the child from him. You must have evidence or proof that your child’s life is in danger, or they will be abused, etc. So, since father and mother can’t agree on visitation…….you have a chance that he will come out poorly in written test or interview……….but that’s really all you have right now. It will be easier as the days go by tho because eventually it will be obvious if harm is being done. I know how difficult this is……….i was suicidal in my despair. It will play itself out, believe me. He most likely won’t even follow visitation or want to see the kid after the battle is over. My daughters are full grown women now, all smart, successful, wonderful. We all survived. My middle daughter is a psychologist………she understands it all now.
Dating a Sociopath 
Positiva…….Yes! that makes perfect
sense…..an object to keep as a trophy…like a serial killer. I received a cryptic text from him yesterday ( did not respond) that he MAY return my rings on halloween……….games, drama, control….keeping me on edge……..of course halloween…trick or treat! Yesterday I felt really emotionally free from him as if the “spell” had been broken. Now I just shake my head and say “what were you thinking”? Thanks for the advice, i am going to research pychopaths and trophies…….I am now strong enough to handle it.
Yes – I read up a lot about this when it happened to me Sweet. It was really difficult at the time. Just like you I had lots of cryptic messages (read the posts sociopaths and stalling for time) he stayed in my life for a long time – and had a passion (after he learned he was a sociopath) for watching tv footage about psychopathic serial killers – I came across it on there. It was really bizarre the way that he did it too. Every time that he left the pattern was the same. – he would take something of mine that held great value – night before start a fight – over nothing – he would take what he wanted with such stealth – it was like a professional shoplifter….. why he never gave me those things back (we were in daily contact at that time) – I don’t know. He never gave me an explaination even though he stayed in my life for more than a year later – would just try to brush it under the carpet…. but he did play all the games how he was going to bring it round, was going to bring it back. I think he actually enjoyed the power and the control he gained from that. I did freak me out when I read about psychopaths and trophies as that was what he did.
Ah Trophies, yes mine had his trophy cabinet full of Royal Doulton Ladies that he had been collecting for years & years as I’ve mentioned before.
His ex Ow sold some on ebay & he was livid & this is why, his ladies were represented & boy there were heaps of us in that cabinet,literally over 100!!!
Yikes, I must look up mine, she’s probably right at the back in Coventry 😉
He told me he was born in Coventry (lol) but, he’s Italian?? Go figure…& his son collects his trophies as well….hmm Predator (Alien Movie) figures & has them at the ex OW’s house….creepy & true!
Trophy hunters for sure, thank goodness it wasn’t Deer or my head could be on the wall or my pelt 😉 😉 ohhh like Silence of the Lambs…I talk too much so, no lamby here 😉 LOLOL
Can someone please help? Positivagirl? I am in Alamo ca. He has my son. No one will listen because he does not hit me. I need legal help and cannot afford. anyone have advice? I need now! No time left.
Hi Cary I am so sorry for my delay in reply. I do not know what the answer is as I am unsure where you are. I am taking it you do not get help with legal fees where you are? Do you have any services where you are that can provide support – in terms of a domestic violence support centre? They should (hopefully) understand that emotional abuse requires support as well as physical violence. I hope that someone in your area will be better placed to help or offer advice?
As of right now, I do not know. And Cary is my sons name. Right now I feel that there is no one I can trust, and I am not safe anywhere, with any one. But I will try to find help. I do not think there is any one who understands just how scary this is. When all you feel is terror and everyone else around you says there is nothing wrong, yet you know there is; there is no lonelier place on earth. Have you ever felt like giving up?
My sp at the start of our relationship used to wear my perfume and my clothes in my home. It was expensive perfume and I was mad about it. He stopped doing it after a while. but he gave me a st Christopher even though I wasn’t of that faith and he viewed that as very important and made m take it with me wherever I went. when we split he wanted me to keep certain items of his. He stole a lot of money from me. so he deffo took from me. has anyone else noted them doing similar things like wearing clothes or perfume. it reminds me of a post I read about them mirroring you!
Thank you! It’s not easy (I still love him)but it’s something I have to achieve for my own sanity (because I love myself too) I wish for so many time that he changed, now I know that the only one who can make a change is me.
Big hug!
I think that lots of people feel this way. That they love the person but they have to leave for their own sanity. It is really hard when you love someone with all of your heart. They have so many good points…. but when even a small percentage of the bad is abuse. You know that you deserve so much better!! 🙂 You are right – the only one who can make a change is you… this can be scary… but you can do it!!!
Just realised (my first time on the blog) why my relationship of 9 years (recently ended) was so difficult, and now he won’t leave me alone, even though he ended it. He’s determined to send me over the edge, and has ramped up his viciousness to unprecendented levels, mainly by meddling in my social circle and telling lies to all and sundry. So, I have to constantly explain myself. He was also physically violent during our time together, although I don’t think he’s planning anything like that now. He’d rather torture me and do me in bit by bit. This man promised me things like a stable future, a civil partnership, all seemed rosy in the garden. 9 years later all I’ve had is a big fat nothing. Apart from all the usual that these guys seem to enjoy dishing out.
Hi Pete and welcome to the site!! 🙂 I am sorry to read that you are going through this. someone telling lies about you can be so difficult to combat (for me it is one of the worst things of all) its emotional abuse. Can you try to (as much as possible) keep a distance from mutual friends? As the sociopath will take pleasure from using those people to abuse you as a third party (I have written a few posts about it will come back with links when i find them). Also – with regard to what he tells other people (if he is telling you) make sure it is the truth – before you react -as again they lie to get you to react then you look crazy!!
The frustration and sense of injustice is the worst thing. I was with a violent, lying thug for 9 years and now I’m the bad one? This is character assassination. I feel like I want to fight back, but will that just make it worse for me?
Yes this is what they count on Pete. As they are devoid on emotions – they love to exploit yours. Remember that in the relationship they manipulate you with (fake) love and control with fear. Afterwards it is little difference.
Many people have said that after a fallout with a sociopath that they ended up losing a huge amount of their social life. The sociopath can literally suck the life out of you. Taking everything.
What is important is to no longer playing the game (dont fight back) as tempting as this is. The sociopath knows you very well and after 9 years will know your emotions and how best to exploit them and destroy you. character assassination is an awful thing to go through, you have to do all that you can to protect yourself. If you cannot protect your reputation you have to do all that you can to protect your sanity and to stay strong.
You really need to establish no contact. Do not look at social networking block him – block calls texts and emails (even if he isn’t contacting you) I know how hard this is as you want to know what he is saying about you so that you can defend yourself. The truth is that whatever you say will be turned against you. Remember that he is the practised liar – you are not. So he will have the upper hand.
Not playing the game – should help you. An additional thing to be mindful of is mutual friends – put them on limited information on your facebook and other social networking (so that they cant see things that are used against you). The worst thing is that they do things deliberately to make you out to be crazy – or lie about you and then you DO feel crazy…..
Yes I do think that it will make it worse – as it will give the sociopath the knowledge that he is getting to you. So in a sense you are continuing with the game and fuelling the fire.
By not saying anything — he is carrying on…. the only person who looks bad is him – not you! Try to find people that you trust 100% who believe in you. Who you can trust who have no connection with him.
Additionally if you continue to play the game – by fighting back – it does lengthen the game…. and it will continue for a longer period.
People love gossip….. but there is only so much that he can say – so he will run out of things to say about you (if you do not have contact – for a while cease contact with mutual friends)….. there will be nothing to say – and people will get bored of the gossip…. if you fight back it becomes a spectactular display to watch and people sit back with popcorn whilst they watch.
The best way to get a sociopath to hang themselves is to say nothing at all…. as likely they will take it too far…. and with no response at all from you – they will figure that it really isn’t working (its not upsetting you) – the sociopath LOVES to see your emotions – they love to see you upset as they dont really have those range of emotions. So display none.
If you display no emotions — then you cannot be manipulated. There is nothing to manipulate (even if in private you sit and cry your eyes out) dont let him or mutual friends (where info get back to him) see this.
You cannot change what he is doing – but you can change your response to it. You cannot control what he is doing. But you can control your own response to it. This is the only way that you will have control over the situation.
People will get bored of the gossip…. so give nothing back…. soon they will tire of the sociopath and his lies will trip him up (remember that they rarely have long term friends and often have to move on)…..
Here’s part one of a good article I read. Will find part two.
Hi Pete 🙂
Welcome to the party 😉
Seriously I had 10 years of time wasting so, you are not alone & never will be here 🙂
It’s bloody awful what the Soc will stoop too so, don’t waste anymore time on him & his deviousness.
His main aim is to destroy you but, you are to good for that 🙂
Your friends, true friends will remain standing when the dust settles, mine have & I sent out a group email to gather support & tell the in a fun way what had happened.
I made a joke of the craziness I was thrown into….”Hi all, just letting you know my partner is engaged ‘Congrat’s’ but, not to me”, oops, he forgot to tell me he was living with an OW & seeing her for 3 1/2 years! Obviously an over sight on his part!
Oh & the terrorist training he was supposedly on? Thank goodness he was off enjoying the US cause, I thought he was in the UK…silly me! At least he was safe so, I need’t have been concerned!”LOL…Oh & such a romantic, he proposed in the Big Apple, while emailing me the weather in the UK etc…& complaining about his sore Achilles tendon!
Gee what a guy.
Pete, you are not alone, we’ve all been duped but, we are all here surviving & sharing & supporting so, just stay No Contact as that will drive him nuts.
Rise above his games & you will be okay eventually I promise 🙂
I am sorry you have been so poorly treated, you deserve better & are worthy of better 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
@pete. Definitely fighting back makes it worse. Been there done that. He will either use it to confirm UR crazy, call the cops for harassment and again confirm u r the problem, and gloat at the control he has over u not being able to get over him. He will say Instead u have to stalk him bc he’s so awsome ya know? Plus he doesn’t feel pain so it won’t hurt him. It will only hurt u longer bc his actions will add to what UR already hurting over. Taken from my experience.
Great advice Judah – written more easy to read than me!! 🙂
He’s driven me slowly crazy. What made him leave was me defending myself because I thought he was about to batter me again. “Don’t tempt me” was all I said. Then he left. He was turning me into something like himself.
Yes Pete and his game will continue. They get worse and it hurts more and longer. My ex has left many times and I was brainwashed and let him back. One if the meanest things he said last summer was for me to buy a gun and video me shooting myself in the head so he could see it. To this day he laughs and thinks its just a funny everyday comment. He’s so proud of himself for thinking that line up. This time the silence kills me and I’m dealing w harsh abandonment but in the long run it will strengthen me. The people here encourage me and keep us all sane 🙂
Listen to what Pos has to say. And my buddy Phoenix Rising. Others here are well informed. U will be too. Just read and google. Read and google. Some here have to go by behaviors and gut instinct if their ex is one or not. My guy is a combo of Soc/psy but was medically diagnosed as one. Doesn’t matter if diagnosed or not. What matters is how it leaves u feeling.
Pete. Don’t stoop to his level. Easier said than done. It’s good he left. Just be prepared. My ex said the gf before me was crazy an physically violent like that. Fact is he broke HER ribs. But now his game has changed so that he runs and uses threats if cops for protection even tho I didn’t do anything. He said once I threw his clothes in the yard and I didn’t buy he wanted me to believe I did. He would start fights then back up against the hallway and act terrified of me. I would be standing there lookin at him and he would say “UR scaring me”. WTH? What did I ever do to make him scared? It was his mind game to make up stuff and hope I would react in violent ways like his gf before did so that would justify his anger n behaviors. Also gives room for filing charges but I never fell into that. UR ex could make that an assault of some kind so don’t ever say that again in writing UR verbal. In fact I would as Pos to delete it from this website for UR protection.
Funny. This motherf***** broke my ribs by kneeling on my chest and punching me in the face until I was unconscious.Then he wouldn’t let me seek medical attention and hid me in a bedroom for a couple of weeks. “For my own good”.
Have edited the comment.
Your blog, your rules. I respect that Positivagirl. And I’m a bit emotional at the moment and you’re doing this to protect me, when I’m not capable of doing that for myself. You, yourself know how these sociopaths can get to you.
Ah not too much Pete, I just changed it to defending yourself. You never know…. never give them ammunition is my motto! 🙂 I do feel for you as I know what the lies ruining and smear campaigns are like it is character assassination and the worst thing to go through.
Pete I’m sorry he did that to u. I’m glad he’s gone now. U keep NC w him and I promise U to do the same w mine.
A bit hard. We have shared contracts on our cellphones, shared bills, so he can actually see who I call and how often, and get to them. Must change that tomorrow.
Yes – please remember that you are at a loss to control him…. what you need to do now is to control what you can. To do damage limitation. Don’t let him know ANY information about you. NONE AT ALL (this will drive him nuts) remember he can only manipulate and control what he knows.
I edited your earlier post as it was incriminating against you hope this was ok.
I was having lunch in a crowded restaurant yesterday with an old friend in the fbi……..he said look around……statistically there are 3 sociopaths in this room right now. I think us women(and I say women because I do think most of us were brought up to always be “nice” and friendly)have to stop thinking that it is somehow virtuous or noble to automatically give other humans the benefit of the doubt and think the best of them. That is not a survival skill, it is a foolish position to take. We don’t have to walk around suspicious of everyone we meet, but neither should we take the position that everyone is a decent good person until proven wrong. It took me 54 years and many hard lessons to learn this and deprogram the messages taught on how “nice” women act.
Yes I had the same phone and car ins etc. I had to get my own overnight when he left. It’s hard but doable.
@PR “yes Clarice. U say a lot”.
Waaaaahaaaahaha
New word:
Socsversation = all of us conversing about our S & Ps!
Hi Judahbugs 🙂
Good comeback Bahaa 😉
I am a very good talker, in fact I could talk under water & have! LOL 😉
Socversation = BS & I’m Soc-ing exhauseted!
I think I have Socphobia (meaning extreme aversion to Soc’s 😉
So many Socism’s bahahah 🙂
Love & light bella 🙂
PR xoxo
I have already begged, asked, screamed, cried, prayed, waited, but this is a cycle that they will never ends…I will never have the respect, the love that I deserve from him…right now I’m trying to put all the pueces on order. I’m in the border of a bankruptcy, courtesy of my Pinocchio, I lend him all my savings, and also I am paying for a loan that was used to his moving to be nearer. I don’t have anything more to give. I don’t know what else he is looking for.
Hi NMI,
He will take,take,take if he can he will bleed you dry 😦
He is trying to destroy you because you represent what he can never be, a real, loving, decent human being 🙂
Don’t let him, you can rebuild, you can do anything you put your mind too, it’s hard but, you can do this 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxox
I will rebuild my house, my home, myself of all the devastation he left
. I wish to all of you from Wish who is still trying to left the web of lies, to all of you who are on their way to the freedom of regaining ourselves all the strenght, the wisdom and the sanity!
Thank you 🙂
Backatcha for all your wishes & strength. xoxo
I once read this somewhere ….”the person who cares the least about the relationship, controls the relationship” At first it doesnt sound right, but think about it, especially in relation to the sociopath…….and how much you are suffering and he doesnt seem to suffer at all. Thus, he is in control.
My Pinnochio have few good qualities and he is a true abuser who lies, punch and do whatever is needed to get his way….I know that I love someone that isn’t real.
I gave him a nickname when we began our relationship and when everything turns ugly I used his real name when his monster side arrive at the scene, and his nickname in the few moments of peace. I asked him, “where is my ____?” He said “_____doesn’t exist” He knows it.
Thanks for your wishes!
I’m on my route and as I said before trying to reconstruct my confidence, my finances, my broken eardrum and my heart
Hi everyone,
I’m really enjoying this site and so glad I found it. I thought I was going crazy and imagining all of this stuff, but I realize now that it was in fact reality and that snakes like these psychopaths LOOK for people they can manipulate and being kind and giving, and always looking for the best in everybody is something I’m working on changing these characteristics about myself as my way of surviving. I am now afraid to even get involved in a relationship because I don’t know if this person is for real or if it’s all an act.
I told my sister the other day about my being afraid that if he ever got me alone, he may even attempt to rape me because it’s all about control, and she said, “you never know, and I wouldn’t put it past him, so be extra careful because you don’t know WHAT’S going on in the psychotic minds of these sneaky people. The way he was staring you down constantly and for so long really says something so don’t be so trusting.” I’m still shaky from my WOULD-BE episode with him. As I said earlier, I feel like I walked upon a snake who was curled up and ready to strike me, but I backed up really slowly and got the hell out of there. Is it possible to feel a little trauma from a “near-miss” episode or am I making too much out of it? I just heard that he’s now really talking seriously to one of the really pretty girls who had her eye on him all along. I can’t help but wonder, “will she be next, especially if she marries him” or did he reserve that insanity just for me? Because neither she nor anyone seems to see this darkness within him and he seems to really enjoy that.
Hi well as you know a sociopath will not change not long term this is the way that their brain is wired. If he is with someone else, as they repeat patterns of behaviour over and over – he will with her also. It wasn’t you. It was him.
“I suppose the more I “engage” in any form or react to his actions just confirms to him that he still has power over me?”
@Pete…
That’s right. By virtue of the fact you will engage at all tells him he is still in charge. My soc makes this clear to me by letting me know he already knows how I feel. He has had time to make a study of turnaround times on replies, methods of engagement under certain circumstances, circumstances surrounding any delays, context of anger responses, and much more. I think “over-matched” is an understatement since they don’t ever want to be anything but in the driver’s seat.
I am not sure I belong here, but I guess I´ll share my story anyway. It´s different from the others here, so i hope you´ll be entertained at least. I´m a psychopath, and my fiancé is a sociopath. I am sixteen years old and he is twenty two. We met in Munich (I am german, so forgive any poor english).
He was smoking by some building and I liked his leather jacket so I commented on it. He offered me a smoke and was very charming and gentlemanly. We live a 9 hour drive from each other so we began an internet relationship that somehow turned into a real relationship. My last boyfriend had dumped me for being a ´cold psycho bitch´ (sounds better in german, I assure you) and I was not good at relationships so i did not expect this one to last either. I basically became an entirely different person to him. I lied about my name and pretended I was three years older ( I was 15 at the time and him 21). He lied about his entire life too, but I didnt know it at the time. We both had very similar interests and I could tell him about all of my darkest thoughts and fantasies without fear of judgement (I won´t elaborate. Most of the would turn nice, politically correct people´s stomachs ). We would stay up for hours and hours just talking of grandiose schemes and plans that would never happen, but hey, we can pretend. He´s schizo and I have a few mental issues of my own so we basically just liked being crazy together and somehow we eventually formed a genuine bond. I panicked and told him the truth about in a strange effort to self sabotage, but he hardly batted an eyelash and simply told me that he´d been lying all along too. We spent six hours, 6 biers and 8 cups coffee setting things straight (tbh, I was still not 100% truthful but i warned him I was a compulsive liar so I guess its his fault for believing anything that comes out of my mouth). Nevertheless, he is the only person i am even somewhat honest too. He´s a judicial student and I´m going to join him (for Medizin though) in two years. To be honest though, the thought of medicine bores me a little now and he is tired of law school. maybe we´ll move to Prague together and do drugs and shock our PhD-possessing parents a little. or join the german army. Or move to estonia and build a house in the forest. Or go live on a boat. Something fun and romantic. We got engaged this summer and are planning an adorable wedding in Birnau Wallfahrtskirche.
I don´t know exactly why I wrote this. I guess I just want you all to know that psychopaths and sociopaths are capable of love, it´s just kind of difficult and you can´t take it too personally when your sociopathic significant other lies to you ( if he is only a sociopath, I envy you. Just imagine that AND a paranoid schizophrenic who ´hears things´ and thinks the television is sending him messages. That´s a lot more irritating, trust me.). If you stay useful to your sociopath, he´ll most likely keep loving you as much as any normal person would. I can feel love and so can my fiancé so I guess others can too. Hopefully it´s not hereditary; I want my children to be well-adjusted and capable of normal relationships and prone to telling the truth so basically nothing like me or my husband. I should probably have just chosen some well-balanced, successful man to please my parents and make lots of money, but I´m actually genuinely happy with my fiancé. I actually love him.
Hi Inge,
Welcome to the site. Yes of course you can post here. As long as people have respect for others. Do not personally attack. We do have some sociopaths that post here. I didn’t know that you could get a diagnosis before the age of 18? As you say that you are only 16?
Your comment if he is only a sociopath, I envy you. Just imagine that AND a paranoid schizophrenic who ´hears things´ and thinks the television is sending him messages. That´s a lot more irritating, trust me Did make me laugh… I don’t know if you meant it to be funny. But it did make me laugh.
When you say that you feel ‘love’ what does that mean to you? Do you mean ownership of someone? Love is not ownership, possession or control. Love is allowing someone to be who they are.
When did you get a diagnosis? I don’t know if it is different in Germany? I guess it must be – as I always thought that you couldn’t get a diagnosis until you were 18?
What would you say is the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath?
My story, my encounter. I am a five year survivor of breast cancer. It was a hard journey, a tumor that was hard to find and I was told many times over there was nothing there. Well, there was and by the time the tumor was found it was spreading to my lymph nodes. I was afraid for my life. Anxiety ruled my life as well as fear. Several surgeries and chemotherapy. Next came radiation and a physician that almost destroyed me.
He took my venerable, weak state and crossed boundaries that are never to be crossed with a patient and doctor.
I, now still feel guilt for bringing down this man. I still am trying to come to terms with the pain he caused me with his lies and deceit. He used me for a plaything and tossed me like I was trash. Ignoring me for weeks and then his sweet talk. I’d crave him and jump right back in.
I cried for a lost dream. I cried for him. What did I do to cause such treatment?
I contacted the agency that licenses physicians. I had to find my voice. I did in the end. This whole episode has taught me to never trust anyone.
My story, my encounter. I am a five year survivor of breast cancer. It was a hard journey, a tumor that was hard to find and I was told many times over there was nothing there. Well, there was and by the time the tumor was found it was spreading to my lymph nodes. I was afraid for my life. Anxiety ruled my life as well as fear. Several surgeries and chemotherapy. Next came radiation and a physician that almost destroyed me.
He took my venerable, weak state and crossed boundaries that are never to be crossed with a patient and doctor.
I, now still feel guilt for bringing down this man. I still am trying to come to terms with the pain he caused me with his lies and deceit. He used me for a plaything and tossed me like I was trash. Ignoring me for weeks and then his sweet talk. I’d crave him and jump right back in.
I cried for a lost dream. I cried for him. What did I do to cause such treatment?
I contacted the agency that licenses physicians. I had to find my voice. I did in the end. This whole episode has taught me to never trust anyone.
Hi K 🙂
Good for you for standing up & taking your power back 🙂
I hope you are healing in all aspects of your life & that you continue to grow from this experience rather than let it keep you down.
You are amazing to have survived breast cancer & a Sociopath…Bravo & more strength too you 🙂 🙂
Your an inspiration so, tell your story & be proud of yourself…we are 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
K 🙂
I believe we have been chosen for some reason so, that we can determine our path to higher awareness 🙂
‘Long denied & disregarded, you have a deep knowing why your here.
Trust that, the inner voice of your truest self. It leads home’. written by Jacob Nordby.
Gosh can you imagine how many of us are evolving into our true power because of the Soc’s….then we will have more power to impart & stand against them as others have before us…this power is ours & we must share it 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Karen, thank you for your comment. What an awful encounter to be abused by the person that you have entrusted with your care.
What happened after you reported him? That is a serious misuse of power. It can be really difficult to stand up and have a voice when you are vulnerable and the other person works for a big organisation. I am pleased to hear that you did – and hopefully stopped this from happening to anyone else.
Thank you Phonix Rising, Positivigirl. He got fired first off when the accusation came public, then it resolved by probation. I am soo glad it’s finally over! A person grows from bad experiences. Thank you for this website!
I think that you are very brave. You have been through so much. Cancer – then abuse – then fighting for what is right. You must be strong!!!
I can empathise my last 4 years – have been a traumatic death – 2 abusive relationships that preyed on my vulnerability and weakness – and fighting a now 3 year long legal case for negligence that caused the trauma in the first place. So I do relate in some senses to the awful journey that you have been through. I hope that you can move forward now and have some nice things happen to you – after all of that you really do deserve it 🙂
Hi positivagirl,
I am so thankful for finding your site, it has helped me tremendously. However, I am still struggling with many unanswered questions, unbelievable devastation, and knowing the difference between reality and fantasy…truth and lies. I would like to share my story and would appreciate feedback especially for reassurance that my gut is right and I am not crazy. I am almost certain I married a sociopath three months ago. HELP?!
In December I reconnected with my first boyfriend, first kiss and I was his (we were ten years old) We had not seen each other in 30 years and instantly there was chemistry. However, he was home visiting our home town and went back to his home 1000 miles away. We continued talking and he flew me up in March and that was it…hook, line, and sinker. We fell magically in love…he showered me with love, affection, gifts, emailed songs every night, constant very romantic texts, cards, flowers, always taking pictures of me, videoing me, and posting his love for me all over facebook. At first, I was a bit cautious and I let him know I did not trust easily but, he convinced me that he would always love me and take care of me, that he had loved me his whole life since he was a boy. I felt reassured especially since our families have known each other our whole lives. He won my family over and my children fell in love with him too, they were so happy for me. His children and I bonded as did all of our kids. Both of our families were overjoyed about us, he kept telling me that he thanked God everyday for sending me to him, that God molded us as one when we were born and that we shared the same bone marrow. He continued to fly or drive down or pay for me to fly there every week to two weeks. He proposed to me within 6 weeks, on my 41st birthday in April and decided to move back home leaving his two teenage kids back home. I questioned if he was sure about this and what about a job??? Once again, he reassured me that he has been wanting to move home for quite sometime now and that he CANNOT live without me. He said he was not worried about work that he had always been successful, knows a lot of contacts back home, and has enough money to live on for at least 6 months without work. So, the first week in June I flew up there and he packed up everything and moved back home (in my house I own) and we planned our wedding. We married July 14, 2013…his family is extremely wealthy and we had a beautiful wedding with all of our family and friends, followed by a week long honeymoon in the Dominican Republic.
However, 1 1/2 weeks after returning from our honeymoon he sat me down and said he loved me but, he could not live here and that he was like a fish out of water, was dying without his kids and he had to leave. He left I have not seen him again. We have talked, cried and I questioned for weeks…all the while him telling me that I did nothing wrong and he just couldn’t live back home…that he missed his kids too much. Meanwhile, back home he’s not spending anytime with the kids or talking to any family members…just isolating himself from everyone and crying to me on the phone. My gut told me there was something more to it than just his kids so, I was able to hack his email, facebook, and phone records…and I just sat back and watched. What I found devastated me…He reactivated his online dating account back in May and hour after dropping me off at the airport and was talking with a girl the same night he sent me our wedding song. He talked and texted with his ex GF the entire time we were together even on our wedding day! He has been texting and talking with multiple woman since he left. And his private messages to women (before me) are alarming…an obvious player! He came across as shy, sweet, caring and so innocent. After finding this site and reading about the 3 stages of idealizing, devaluing, and discarding…I find this is exactly what happened. In hindsight, I knew something was wrong a month before we got married and on the honeymoon…it was the DEVALUE stage and I was broken and lost. As soon as he moved here he became a person I did NOT even know! He was cold, quiet, and moody towards me. I never received another gift, the compliments and affection became less and less. He had an attitude with my friends to the point where they didn’t want to come around. He never looked for a job. He flirted with my younger cousin at our rehearsal dinner to the point that I felt it and she left because she was so uncomfortable. He then, ignored me on the honeymoon, flirted with other women in front of me. When I confronted him, he asked me since when did I become so insecure.
I could go on and on….I have been so lost and confused as to what happened? How could someone do this? How does someone go from loving you more than anything to never seeing you again?
I have been trying hard to have no contact, he still professes his love for me, has bought me a plane ticket and says he will always love me and if I ever moved there he would take care of me. But, there are no actions only words and he has now sent me money for the divorce and doesn’t contact me.
So, did I just marry a Sociopath?
I met my SO the day that I ended a five plus year relationship with a man I was engaged to. My SO was the total opposite of my ex, he seemed really fun, laid back, and successful. Physically, I am much more attractive than he is (I remember thinking that he would never cheat on me because of this fact). We became physically intimate on the second date and it was much better than any other time for me. He made me feel so confident and attractive.
I didn’t want to rush into a relationship, and I told him that I was dating other people. He always claimed to not be dating anyone else, but the first few months he was pretty sketchy with plans. He would ask me to do something in the morning, but completely blow me off that night. I would see photos on FB of him with other women – when I asked him about the he would always say that they were just friends, and accuse me of being insecure. Maybe I am insecure I thought. He was unpredictable and I think that made him more attractive, and I was a little jealous. Eventually we had a conversation and we decided to be monogomous, he said that he loved me and asked me to move in (about 8 months in). I told him that I did not want to live with someone again until I was sure I wanted to marry them (still trying to be cautious). I discussed it with one of our mutual friends, that he had asked me to move in and that I had said no, but that I was thinking about it. About a month later, it was New Years Eve, we were at a party with friends, he comes up to me and says “Why did you say that I asked you to move in with me – I never said that”. And I got the first glimpse of the evil inside. I burst into tears.
About two weeks later, he again asked me to move in with him. I said no, again. And I brought up what had happened on New Years Eve, he said that his friends were giving him a hard time about it and that was why he had acted that way. We were out at lunch and he was acting all jazzed up, he kept going outside to smoke and to text. He said that he had a guy’s night that night. I dropped him off at his house, and suggested that I go in for some “fun” he said no, that he had to get ready. I went out with my friends.
About two weeks after that we went on a trip together to visit his dad. It was honestly the happiest I have ever been in a relationship at that time. We were getting along so well, better than I have ever gotten along with anyone, and our physical relationship was so satisfying, I could not keep my hands off of him. We were staying with his dad, but got a hotel for one night to celebrate Valentine’s Day and went to a nice dinner. We had been dating for a year and I thought that I had been very cautious not to rush things, I thought that he was the one. It was at this dinner that he went to show me something on his phone, and what was on there was a match.com profile of a woman. “Oops” he said, he explained that he used to be on there and they still sent him emails and that he had accidentally clicked on it. Of course he’s not on a dating website, I thought, we are so happy.
However, the second I dropped him off, I got on my computer and looked up match.. There he was with an active updated profile, and he was even “online now”. I called him and screamed and drove to his house and demanded that he pay me back for the plane ticket. He said that he didn’t have any checks. He did not apologize for the match profile, but offered a ridiculous excuse that his friend had made it and that he never checked it. I was devastated, leveled. I had gone from being so happy and in love when I dropped him off earlier that day to feeling like the biggest piece of crap. We were broken up for a month, he apologized and I started seeing him again, but of course the trust was shattered, he still had the match account but said he would take it down. I was at his house and he was at work – I went through his iPad and read his emails, his facebook messages and his match.com correspondence. He was clearly sleeping with at least two other women – one’s who I had questioned him about before and was told that they were just friends and I was insecure. I had even met one of them a few times and been to social gatherings with her. She was good friends with his roommates girlfriend. I assumed that she must’ve known that he had a girlfriend, but the other one I didn’t think knew, and I contacted her to ask her how long it had been going on, maybe they were just friends and had started sleeping together after we broke up. I end up meeting up with her and discover that they had met the previous summer (it was now March), and had dated over the summer but that he had always been sketchy and disappeared after Thanksgiving, (we had gone on a trip together the weekend after Thanksgiving and were pretty much inseperable after that) and she had written him off, but in Mid January he had reached out to her and took her out on a romantic dinner and explained that he had lost his job, and had gotten a divorce and had been very depressed. They took right back up and were dating again. I found out that the day I had gone out to lunch with him, and he had a “guy’s night” that he had actually met a girl from match.com for drinks and then ended up meeting up with this other girl he was in a relationship with and went home with her. There was no truth in the guy’s night story. The other girl and I went to his house to confront him and he was in bed with a third girl (the one who I had met a few times and who I assumed knew about me).
I was completely disgusted with him at this point and hated him. He threatened that he was going to tell people horrible things about me that were all true. He said that our mutual friends all hated me and said horrible things about me. Then he would show up places and claim to love me, and send me rude texts if I wouldn’t respond. I created a match.com and he would always wink at me on there or send me messages criticizing what I said about myself. This went on for about a month. For some reason I agreed to meet up with him, I just wanted to let him have it, but somehow he charmed me and said that he missed me and that I was the only person he had ever loved. We started hanging out again but were not together. He was on his best behaviour and I think that seeing all of that stuff with the other girls just made me jealous or made him seem more attractive to me. This went on for the rest of the summer, then he accepted a job offer out of town.
We still talked, but were not together. I would see him when he would come to town and I went to visit him a few times. I would always find signs of other women when I would visit him but he would always have a quick excuse – a half empty wine bottle was from his mom (even though it was for red wine and his mother only drinks white), a card for flowers signed with a woman’s name was just some HR woman in his office who he didn’t even know. I guess I knew he was lying but didn’t want to rock the boat. But, after several months of this and of so many bad dates with psycho guys, and because my two best friends were moving across the country and I hated my job, I agreed to move out of state and in with my SO. I gave up all of my furniture and had to find a new job. The move wiped out my savings, but I found a new job that I really liked. Things were going well. Then he lost his job, he had a hefty severence and was confident that he would find something else quickly. We were living in a very expensive apartment and had bought all new furniture together. The severence didn’t last long, and he didn’t find another job. Eventually he found some other guys and they started their own firm (lawyers). That is what is going on right now, and he has invested all of his 401K and savings into this business, as well as all of his time. I moved to be with a guy and I probably saw him for six hours a week and he ignored me the entire time. We started to fight about time and money. I started picking up slack financially, but he continues to shop and buys luxury items for himself while i am eating Banquet frozen meals for lunch – he is out to lunch every day.
Finally they start getting some deals and he gets some income (allegedly). He starts going to happy hours with these guys and he is back to being a cocky lawyer. I can see him texting on his phone with that jazzy little smirk on his face. I start to get suspicious, but am told that I am psycho, paranoid and controlling. He seems to forget all of the cheating in the past, and now claims that we weren’t actually together when all of that happened, we had never been in a serious relationship until we moved in together. I question some interactions on FB with a woman that seem flirty, and I see that he has deleted.hidden all photos of the two of us as well. He says that he hid all of that because it looked unprofessional. He then unfriends me and blocks me on FB because he says that I am psycho, paranoid and controlling and it is unacceptable. Keep in mind that I freaking moved here to be with him and I have no real friends here. He never wants to go out and do anything, his new phrase is “We don’t have to do everything together”. Ha, we do NOTHING together. He will not go out with just me, he will only do anything in a group, but is so eager to go out in a group that he will barely even wait for me to get ready. And he is at these industry happy hours and networking events once or twice a week that I am not invited to. Some of them are men’s only, he says.
I see photos on FB of an event that he claimed was only for men and I see women there. The next weekend I have a family member in town and my SO is completely absent the entire weekend. I made dinner reservations for one of the nights and he said he would go, but he completely stands me up without a text or a phone call. We are waiting for him to get there to order, then he texts me something that was meant for someone else. He is on his phone having a conversation with someone else but does not have the common decency to tell me that he isn’t coming to dinner. I am so embarrassed. We get into heated whisper fights the rest of the weekend regarding the dinner. I was looking forward to him getting out and having fun and getting to know my family member better. He made it sound like the dinner was going to be the worst torture he had to ever endure and called my family member obnoxious. I picked the restaurant based upon what he would like and he treats it like that.
So, I’ve pretty much had it at that point. I cannot explain away this heinous behavior to my family member and I will appear to be a total doormat if I don’t do anything about it. The next morning when he is in the shower, I pick up his phone and go through it. I have never looked through his phone before (probably because he usually keeps it strapped to him at all times and because I knew I was going to find something on there bad). He is freaking dating someone else with the same name as me and that is why there was the text message mix up. He was hanging out with her the entire weekend, and probably was counting on me being distracted by having a family member in town. I don’t know how long this has been going on because most of the texts have been deleted and I can only see the most current but they obviously know each other and send each other pictures and communicate all day.
I confront him with what I have found and oh boy do I freaking get it. I am a psycho, he left the phone out to test me and I violated his privacy. The person he was texting with is acutally a guy and basically I didn’t see what I saw. I get home from work and he is home for once, I think he was going to try a half hearted excuse to see if I would fall for it and claims that he has never met this woman and that he was her mentor set up through the bar association. Complete lie and I don’t buy it. I ask him to show me the emails from the bar association. He obviously can’t produce any. I go in the bedroom and he stays on the couch. The next morning we fight about it again. I am the reason we can never be together because I am too jealous and psycho and I am an ugly troll. He did nothing wrong and I have no idea what I was even looking at. I go out and find my own apartment. He doesn’t think I should leave because he doesn’t think I can afford it (I can). He has my TV at his office and I ask him to bring it home (he still hasn’t and it has been three weeks). He tells me that he will give me money for the furniture that I paid for and that he will give me what I paid for it. When I ask for a check I never get it.
He goes out of town for a bachelor party the next weekend. I do not speak to him at all. He gets back and I think that maybe I missed him and maybe I’m rethinking this whole moving out thing, we are intimate and I ask if he will go to counseling. He says no. I get angry and we are back to me being in the bedroom and him being on the couch. I wonder if he is back on match.com, and I do a search. Yep, there he is with a profile that is a complete lie – says he has never been married, says that he doesn’t smoke and that he works out. Obviously doesn’t mention the live in girlfriend. I see him on his phone when I am leaving for work in the morning and ask him how his luck is on match, I get the finger in the face accusations of being a psycho stalker and he says that he only put the profile up to test me and I failed the test and betrayed his privacy again. He then updates the profile and is on it constantly (I keep looking at it) and he is portraying himself as a successful guy who is looking for a successful woman. He is actually flat broke and living off a loan from his mom at this point. The only income from his firm so far has been $5,000. In a year.
Last night he didn’t come home at all, so I know he was with another woman. I got on the computer and his email was still logged in. I can see that he has had the match for a while. I also see that he has made accounts on something called Zoosk and something called Meetme. When he went out of town for the bachelor party, he was messaging women from that town claiming to be a guy who is always in town for business (lie). And these women are nasty – not even remotely attractive, just trashy. I go through all of his emails, he has ones from years back and there are so many women. He is always flirting and pretending to be single. I see one email that he sent a few years ago where he is emailing his friends a list of all of the women he is sleeping with at that moment – it was ten. I was included. I feel so sick and so dumb. I went to a doctor today to get a prescription for Xanax because I haven’t been sleeping at all.
I move out next weekend, and I’ll probably never see my TV or that check for the furniture. He wouldn’t care if I had to sleep on a dirt floor or live in my car. He doesn’t care about me at all – nothing I have done matters and the only way to get along with him is to overlook these obvious lies. The only way a person could be with him long term would be if they were medicated to the point of almost being a vegetable.
I know I’ll be happier once I get out of that apartment, but it does hurt, the cheating and I feel so dumb. I feel like I have been through some kind of war and I know that there is no point in any of it. 😦 Sorry for this novel, but it feels nice to get it all out.
Hi Gigi 🙂
Stay strong & be brave, your worth the effort I promise 🙂
Keep reading & healing & you will get through this awful experience.
You are not alone & we are here too 🙂
I am sorry I missed your story but, keep going & this will all pass, it takes time & work but, it’s going to be okay 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S…get a health screen as well & fingers crossed you’ll be okay.
Unfortunately I wasn’t & numerous partners from him aren’t either 😦
Just keep yourself healthy & concentrate on YOU 🙂
Mine told everyone, except me he was single??? Don’t worry, their single-mindedness translates as Single Minded….thinking only of themselves!
Hi Gigi,
You are not dumb. None of us are. Mine did some pretty horrendous stuff and i am sure that there is much more i don’t know about. I could never prove that he cheated on me but i’m pretty sure he did.
The next few months will be rough but get out now and learn and grow.
My thoughts are with you xx
text from soc trying to reconcile………I love you, no other woman for me, can’t live without you, marry me, we are soulmates, two of a kind, you are my best friend, etc. etc…..but…..I don’t have enough money to be with you, you need to bring in more income…..and don’t think I will ever sell my motorcycles or my vintage truck for a woman………..
Wow. What a selfish douchebag. Maybe he should upgrade or get a better job instead of being a parasite. Fuck.
I just had to flee my home and it is one in the morning. If I don’t come up to his camper hr is going to sit in my driveway all night. So I’m hiding in a parking lot ffs. I am OFF …help. what do I do??
Be careful! Be smart! Theres a fine line between looking for your attention or domestic abuse…I think he is approaching the last one. Call the police.
ok he called repeatedly. I told him I gone to the city for the night. He gave me a few ‘fuck yous’ and accepted I wasn’t coming. I waited half hour and drove back home. luckily he doesn’t know I am driving a different car right now. I parked it on the street (leaving my driveway empty so he would still think I’m out) and went to damn bed!!! Oh..and then I got the final call – ‘just want to apologize I should not have sworn at you like that”.
there isnt any way to let him come over… talking is not what he wants. and there is no doubt I would have been sexually assaulted. I still feel pity too lol. But that’s all at least. i could have easily let him come and called my big burly male friends to intervene. But I still couldn’t do that. and pretty much all my fault…i slept with him again a few weeks ago. I was enjoying the transfer of control. So here’s a warning. getting control back is fleeting. and not worth it. i feel bad about that.. *sigh*
it sucks to hear what you are going through 😦 but constantly reaffirming to know that it is fleeting. If we all can share our experiences, even back-slides, we can each learn from one another. I wish you well and hopefully are feeling better!
I posted this in recovery n healing but thought it should go here too. For those of us who are spiritual , religious etc. this article is very Eyeopening to just how severe their evilness is.
http://www.gotquestions.org/sociopath-psychopath.html
Last night another fiasco. He just wanted to come and say goodbye properly and end hostility. (I refused). Then he said he was driving drunk home. I offered him a drive and he said he just wanted a follow. So I brought my son with me and did that. No face contact I drove off. Then the call. Hes got nothing wife taking it all he’s broke he’s quitting his job… ugh. Please come see me I’m lonely just to sleep nothing else. (I didn’t). I feel so much pity but finally my brain is overriding my heart. It does happen.
@ feelingstupid…
Sounds more like a successful evening than a fiasco. Nicely done. 🙂
So, I have been noticing a lot of “anonymous” views to one of my social networking profiles. I know i can track who views me, but I didnt know they could remain anonymous. Am I looking too far into things to question whether its the soc or not? Or should I assume it wouldnt be him. Also, blocked calls? Am I hypersensitive to it possibly being him when really its not that uncommon at all? Thoughts?
So, I have been noticing a lot of “anonymous” views to one of my social networking profiles. I know i can track who views me, but I didnt know they could remain anonymous. Am I looking too far into things to question whether its the soc or not? Or should I assume it wouldnt be him. Also, blocked calls? Am I hypersensitive to it possibly being him when really its not that uncommon at all? Thoughts?
@ GL
There’s probably a better chance of anonymous browsers on social sites, but with respect to the phone, it could always be either marketing or creditor calls.
Hi GL,
If it is him then let him look etc…just make sure it’s worth looking at i.e.
“Having a great time, my life is so much better & I am looking forward to the future” 🙂
Regardless, just let it go as it’s time.
You have a new life & a new beginning so, don’t worry about the Soc, he’s the past & it’s today & the future that is yours 🙂
Don’t keep over thinking it as part of you is probably hoping it is him? Then what if it is??
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
If it is him you are allowing him what he wants, control and power over you…please you are doing a great effort, don’t lose your time on thinking about if it is him or not.
Best regards
Can someone help me? I am in Alamo Ca. I need legal help and someone who will listen to me. He has my son. I am afraid and because he does not hit me, no one believes me. Any advice, please!
Please feel free to email me at datingasociopath@hotmail.co.uk
So here is my story, mainly because talking (typing) is the best therapy, secondly to alert all of you that while the sociopath is most often a male, they come in female varieties also.
First a little about myself, and this is likely harder for me to put down than the confession about my sociopathic relationship a little bit later.
I have been married three times, for the three best reasons. Love, Money and Forever. Neither worked out like I anticipated. My first wife was killed in an automobile accident along with our two children over 20 years ago. My second wife was a dalliance on both our parts, and after a long time of being single I met my third wife, who I truly thought was my soul mate. After ten years atogether, the last 18 months of that being total hell for us both, we divorced and I floated in my own sea of regret.
After 18 months of self loathing, I rejoined society and met the sociopath. Let’s call her Lily. When I first met Lily, she was dating a casual friend of mine. I knew right away that this woman was way too much for this friend. I watched a few months while she dragged this man into despair, and left him. She rapidly entered another relationship, which soon went sour as well. Then she saw my best friend. I was distanced from her, we didn’t really know each other well, but she had everything any man would want from a woman. She has an extremely contagious personality, when she is in the room, everyone smiles. She is rather attractive, some have labeled her gorgeous, and she has a voracious sexual appetite. She was about 7 years older than my best friend, (he 23, she 32). What kid his age could turn down such a prize?
Because Lily and he began their relationship, I came to be closer to her. I came to know her better than most, I supposed, and we spent many hours, days and weeks in each others company. I was the third wheel, I never interfered with her relationship with my friend. I loved them both.
When the news came that my friend was being transferred far away for his job, She became frantic, begging him to take her with her. He had no intention of doing so, and he told her that because of this turn of events, they should probably break up and move on with their lives. She was devastated, and turned to me for comfort. I gave her a shoulder to cry on, and understood her broken heart. After a few days, they reconciled with the understanding between the two, that it was only until he left, and she seemed happy to have that part of him.
She and I came to spend more and more time together, and I fell for her. I saw her as a broken thing, something that just needed a strong man to reassure that she was wanted, and needed, and I wanted to ‘fix’ her. I did not realize at the time, that she did not want, nor require, fixing.
So time went by and I spent more time with her than my friend did actually. It was almost as if he was saying to me to keep her safe, and be there when she falls. I cherished our time together, she made me very happy. I would take her to dinner, and drop her off at his place. I would pick her up from his place and take her to work. They would call me on the weekends to join them for dinner. Pretty cozy three way relationship, looking back on it. I carried the emotional baggage, and my friend reaped the rewards.
You are probably thinking me the fool by now, I can take it.
So the big day came, and my friend moved away. She spent that night out on a date with a new guy. I personally, was rather upset. She had broken our plans to go to this concert. The next day, I was convinced I was done with whatever illusion I had about there ever being an US. I sent her a text that day and mentioned I was at so and so, for this long, if you are about drop in. She did.
I was surprised. We went to another spot for dinner, Over dinner she was depressed, making comments about leaving town, and starting over. I mentioned that I had the same thoughts, why not go together? She asked if I would really take her with me, I told her if she agreed to marry me I would.
Pick your jaw back up. She agreed.
The next day I bought her a ring.
The day after that we came to our senses and decided that it was a horrible idea. The marriage was off. We would remain friends.
The following Saturday night, we spent our first night together. There were no grand illusions of undying love, it was more two people needing someone. I thought that to myself that night. It occurs to me that she didn’t need me, she had plenty of suitors. I convinced myself that she chose me because i was who she wanted to be with.
I ran with it.,We started to hang out more often. Then a pattern emerged. My first signs of my Lily being a sociopath. I didn’t recognize the behavior. Like so many here have said, I thought it was MY fault we were having these problems suddenly.
He favorite game to play was for us to go out until after midnight, then call another guy to come meet her. Any reaction I had to that was totally uncalled for, because as she constantly reminded me, I was not her boyfriend. She didn’t have to stay with me, just because I had been with her all night. I was not obligated to take her home, the list goes on. You get the gist, I am sure.
So I would tell her we were done, don’t bother me again. She would anyway, and I was right back in her trap.
The second time we called it off completely, she sent me a text asking if we could talk. I conceded and we did. I got her to agree that out of mutual respect, she would not pull that trick on me again, and we also agreed that if she planned to call someone later, she would not keep it a secret. That worked for a while.
We went to Atlantic City together, Don’t ask why. It was pure hell. Each day she would decide that since I wasn’t her boyfriend, ie; we weren’t in a committed relationship, I was cramping her style by wanting to spend time with her. She needed her space, and so on.
This would last prime time hours, until around 3 am, when she would want to make up and be together when she came back to our room. Essentially, while we were there, she had the time of her life, while I moped around our room wondering what the hell I had done to mess things up this time. The very last night of our five day trip, she was amazing, told me she loved me, confessed she had been a pain in the butt, everything was going to be fine. The last day and the trip home were fantastic.
A few days after we returned, she spent a week at my house. She told me she loved me, we talked about forever, we talked about children, we talked a bout a future together. I thought we had turned a corner. The corner led to a dead end.
The following Monday, we went out together, we had a great time, laughed, had some drinks. Then she told me she called a guy to come meet her, that i should probably go.
I left. In a huff. I had been drinking, my heart was broken, I was mad at myself for allowing it, I was mad at her for her lack of concern. I was mad at the world, and I was destroyed.
i went home and tried to kill myself. it didn’t work.
All of my friends said stay away from her. All of her friends said stay away from me. Our mutual friends were all saying the same thing to us both.
I came to realize that she wasn’t the one for me, so when she told me to not ever contact her again, i said okay, be happy.
Another week went by and she asked me if we could talk. I thought sure, I am in a good spot, I can close this up and be done.
We got together on a Friday afternoon. She confessed that everything she had told me was a lie. She never loved me, but she did miss me being her friend. I accepted that.
On the following Sunday she text me and asked me to pick her up from work. I did. She spent the next week in my house. She confessed her love for me, and her confusion, she wanted to be with me, but couldn’t commit. She was confused. She was, in my eyes, the woman I had fallen in love with again. Someone who was broken and needed fixing. I took it all in, hook line and sinker.
Then came the real world. the one where she suddenly stopped answering my texts because she was scared of how I felt for her.
Then I found this site, and among other resources, realized that its not me, it is her. The pattern became so evident when I read of the other experiences.
In some ways I feel saddened, that I was duped, and allowed myself to be fooled. I feel pissed off because she has toyed with my emotions and I just allowed her to do it blindly. However, mostly, I think i feel some relief, because now I understand that it is not me, how can anyone be wrong for simply loving another human being? It is her, and the comments and words on this page have helped me understand her, and myself a little better.
I am in the early stages, I am still a wreck, and I still love this woman to death… but now I know what to look for, what to be aware of, and how to proceed.
Wish me luck.
I think the question ‘how can it be wrong to love another human being’ is a question that most victims can ask. I know that I did. It is the act of betrayal of abusing your good nature that really hurts. But – someone else will benefit from you and your good nature. She doesn’t deserve it. I hope that your experience with her doesn’t change you….. Some people have the ability to love unconditionally – some can only use fake love to get what they want. Good luck with your healing. Welcome to the site!! 🙂
Hi Scrapperk,
Welcome to the site, I hope you will find healing & support here.
Just out of interest, how old are you? if your family passed 20 years ago & your best friend is 23, I cannot understand the time frame? 3 marriages in what time frame? I am sorry if this is prying but, just wondering.
PR
I am 48. I am in great shape, most people see me in my late 30’s if they don’t know me. There is an age gap between she and I of more than a couple of years, but she is definately years beyond me in this game.
Hi Scrapperk,
Thanks for the clarification & in regards to your Soc being years ahead, they are born old & I often thought my Soc was old before his time. He gave me the impression he was born as an adult which would figure if you were born without empathy or conscience.They would pick up early that they need other skills to adapt their lives to?
My Soc said he was sexually active at 7 which blew my mind as I couldn’t fathom why but, put it down to him exaggerating but, probably wasn’t?
He was always bragging that he always got older woman, even as a teenager & I now know of two women old enough to be his mother that he had affairs with.
I am 50 now & he is 58 & he always said I was too young for him.
I had 10 years of Soc hell so, I wish you a speedy recovery which is possible here as I have found support & understanding makes it easier & quicker because, you are acknowledged & understood.
I am sorry you have had to suffer from the Soc torment & wish you well on your healing path & higher awareness as to why the Soc entered your life.
My own vulnerability & marriage breakdown, left me wide open for my Soc to enter & I saw him as my knight in shinning armour but, he turned out to be a very dark night indeed 😦
I am 7 months down the healing path & feeling great so, it does pass in time & you come out much stronger & self aware 🙂
Good Luck.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I tried to backslide. Why is it so damn hard to turn away? I do not have an addictive personality. I am not obsessive. I suppose in the long run she is still in the denial stage. She wants me to appear to be the stalker, because I sent her a text. I know its just a matter of time before she contacts me and asks, and if it happened right now, while I am typing this, I would say yes. How do you walk away? I know what’s right, I know what I am supposed to do. In my head I know I am right to stay away, but why does the other shoulder win out every time? It hasn’t been even a week since our last contact, I guess I just need more time. I keep reading, studying, learning, but I can’t commit. I keep trying to convince myself I need her, and that she needs me. Then again, I know I must accept that everything she ever told me was a lie. She really does not need me, she never did, she never will. I am so confused, and cannot find enough diversions to get this sucubus out of my head. I went on a date with a wonderful woman and we had a terrific time. My friends have been great about keeping me busy with dinner and other activities, yet every time I find myself alone I pine for her to call, to text, to reach out to me, and she does not. I know that’s because she is waiting for a lull in her own agenda, or maybe she has already picked a time and date when she plans to come back to me. I know, I really do understand how she is playing me, but I am afraid I am not strong enough to prevent it.
Sometimes it can take a while for your heart to catch up with what your head already knows. Usually you are manipulated (with the sociopath) so need to remove yourself for your own sanity. Remembe that they are masters at creating dependence and addiction to them. So don’t feel too bad If you relapse.. . Just start again with no contact. But write it down. …. How did contacting her make you feel? If you keep putting your hands on a hot stove to warm and your fingers get burned. After a while you learn you don’t want to get your fingers burned. Sometimes you need to go back again and again see the pattern repeat over and over (I did) and you realise that long term there is no change.
Yes you ARE strong enough to prevent it. The question is do you want to?
Your Welcome Srapperk 🙂
Ditto all you have said & I wasn’t fortunate to find this site until after I had made the mistakes….lol….oops so, I was not only able to relate but, I did the whole ‘shebang’ of exposure etc…looking loopy la la 😉
Still I had an effect & he was not happy!!!
I am a good communicator so, was believed & mainly because, I have a great network that already knows me & him so, I have come out the bigger person 🙂
My friends & family rallied like a team & dinners, flowers, weekends away & yes even a trip to Bali in a couple of weeks has kept me going 🙂
I’m off to ‘Eat, love & pray’ Yay :)….you will be okay & my life has become amazing & I’m okay :)….it made me really look at myself & uncovered a lot of deeper stuff so, it’s been a hard lesson but, one I really needed to learn 🙂
You are not alone, concentrate on you & do the healing…most of all just find peace & happiness in your self 🙂
P.S. you deserve better so, no more unacceptable behavior ever 🙂
PR xoxo
No such thing in life as mistakes PR :)… Only life lessons
Hi Scrapperk 🙂
If you stay in the game as a player then you will be ‘the game’ 😦
If you allow the abuse then it does continue over & over. You have the benefit of this site to alert you whereas I had no idea so, stayed & was played for 10 years!
It is up to you & you know it’s the addiction that holds you, it’s also the reality of the Soc, ‘Is she or isn’t she etc…’, you cannot believe you are actually dealing with a cold calculating predator & that you actually are only a source of supply to them.
It’s hard to get your head around if your an empath (you are)…so, you will stay in the Soc fog until the final straw & then it’s time to find your way back to you!
I would still be in the game if it weren’t for the OW in my saga, she alerted me & my Soc wasn’t ready to discard & happy to have us both or all (their were others apparently)…my story is here under older comments on June 14th.
I have cycled through the whole scenario & I would never have believed my own story if you had told me what I was going to find out. It almost seems like a false reality as I came to terms with all the revelations & I am still amazed at the length & breadth that a Soc will go too!
It’s up to you but, at the end of the day, you must ask yourself what is best for you & your own well being? I would rather be alone than live in the Soc world of lies & manipulation. You must examine why you feel the need to perhaps give her another chance etc…they play on your vulnerabilities so, be wary & wise…you are not alone & I have watched/read others here where you are but, inevitably they finally ‘SEE’ their life & the pointlessness of the Soc in it!
Good Luck, stay strong & find YOU in all this & go from there 🙂
Real, true & worthy women are out here so, don’t give up 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Thank you both PR and PG. I have kept this site open in the background all day, and keep returning to it for more support each time she crossed my mind today. I have learned so much, and identified so much about her behavior today, and it has made me stronger.
I saw a post about finding closure. I read a comment about how they can just drop and leave, and related it to my own experience. My SOC slept with me this passed Monday night, when I took her home the next day, the last words we spoke to each other was that she would call me later. We haven’t spoken since.
I also recognized that she had been grooming me for months, long before my friend left town. I had revealed to her that I was falling for her months before, and out of respect for her and my friend, I played it real slow and even saught others to get my mind off of her. She found out on two occasions that I was out somewhere with two different women that I had confided in her I had an interest, and was able to insert herself into that time I spent with them. Whatever may have bloomed away from her, even while she was with my friend, was something she couldn’t bear to have happen.
I feel like I was blind to not have seen it happening. Looking back now it all seems so clear.
I also see that she has moved onto another feeder. I learned today that this was probably something she had already lined up before she pulled the disapearing act on me. I felt like I wanted to warn him, say something, anything to avoid someone else going through this with her. Then I learned that anything I did to interject an opinion would make me seem like the control freak, or obsessed fool she had painted me be to him. I am sure he sees himself as her savior. I pity him. However, I have my own cross to bear.
I also wanted to scream out to our mutual friends that she is the DEVIL! LOL.
Then I read that doing that would end badly for me, and decided that I didn’t need their support.
This site, and your advice has kept be grounded today. I believe myself a fast healer, and hope I work through this quickly. Thank you all for sharing your advice, your experiences and opening your hearts to those that need this support. You are a blessing.
Wow….the calling of other guys and having to deal with it rings a familiar bell. Also the push me/pull me act of I love you/I just need a friend/you’re too intense/your confused/it’s only friendship/can I come ever and make love to you/you are an amzing lover/no phone or texs for 3 or 4 days/won’t answer phone/ and on and on. The hell with her and people like her. They don’t know how to have a relationship. The only time they “need” other people is when they need a fix of some kind (supply) from that person. That can’t help, however, attempting to destroy that other person..who over time becomes willing through the attrician of their own stamina to fight off the come ons.
I have found, reading though all of these comments, other posts to this site, and in general, that EVERYTHING was the same for each of us, only the names and sex of the SOC changed between experiences. I think you are beginning to see the light. We are here for you Bro. Just like any other addiction, take it one day at a time.
A good woman will find you and you them. She doesn’t deserve you!
@scrap. They always are ahead of us in this game bc it’s their lifestyle.
You are strong enough…you’ll see.
There are times when we are confonted with doing, not what we want, but with what we have to do. It’s not easy (we love them, and we were hoping for a change for so long) but the prize that you will receive is invaluable, yourself, your dignity, your principles…
Remember step by step you are making you way to a better place.
A big hug, and just four three final words
“You will be fine!”
@Scrap….
She will keep playing this game as long as you let her. You need to ask yourself if this is really the type of person you want in your life. Do you want the games, the lies, the manipulation? How can you ever trust her? People like this don’t change.
Take the time to learn about yourself and why you would allow her back into your life after all she’s done. My advise would be to remain No Contact. Take the time to heal. You will come out stronger and wiser. Trust me, I’ve been there….I know, as many of us on this site do.
Stay strong my friend…..
carolann
I just found your site today. From what I understand, I’m in the ruining stage just now. Lots of lies being spread about me. It is incredibly hurtful. So much of what you’ve written is so very familiar to me. Thank you for creating this site. I don’t think I feel strong enough to say what happened to me and I suppose that’s because I’m still really confused and scared that it was my fault. Anyway, he has gone now but I am terrified that I’ll bump into him at some point, and there’s a good chance of that as he still lives in the same area as me.
Hi R, welcome to the site 🙂
Hi R 🙂
Firstly it is not your fault, you must remember that 🙂
When your ready, we are here to listen/read & support you 🙂
We understand what it’s like first hand so, don’t be afraid to share as it will help you heal & recover.
You will be okay & stay strong, don’t give up….your here & your among friends :)….It’s going to get better & you’ll be okay again soon 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Wow.. who knew, I was browsing the internet just trying to understand my recent break up. Typing things into Google and as I started reading what was on this site. It was scary how clueless I was. I knew what happened to me couldn’t be the work of a normal man. He seemed like Mr. Perfect. He protrayed all the things I wanted met my family and friends, rushed the relationship. Hacked my facebook because he is a city employee and privacy settings didn’t matter when he was browsing at work. He isloated me from my male best friend made me feel guilty and my best friend warned me but since I knew he had feelings for me I didn’t believe what he said was true. That man made me fall in love made me think he was the one. I let him meet my child the only man i let meet.my child. I could not understand why a man would go through such lengths if he wasn’t serious. He tryed to get me pregnant. Thank god for plan b now it all makes sense. I’m glad I broke it off ! I did it because I found myself sad and confused all the time I was unhappy. I could no longer picture myself in this. Doing the final stage of though we were broken up told I was dating someone else. He got angry left I never saw him again but got angry text that day. I later on wrote him a thank u email thanks for the experince he helped me grow. Told him I was dating a great guy. He later on asked me to call him. I replied and told him my email was about me saying thank u and apologizing for my errors but it wasn’t a branch for conversation ..again I am dating a great man and I dont want to mess things up..which is so true I’m happy now..I just wished I never emailed that loser. This site is sealed the deal on this break up. I left for a reason I knew something wasn’t right thank you for being my closure. ..
Hi gio, how good to hear that you saw the signs and managed to get out. Welcome to the site 🙂
First off, let me just say I am thrilled that I actually found a website support group for dating a sociopath because I never thought in a million years anyone would be able to understand and relate. Thank the lord…because i’m so very damaged and my self esteem has completely been destroyed. And the only way i think it could possibly get better is by talking to people that understand so i don’t feel alone and crazy.
Here is my story:
A year ago I was at one of the happiest points of my life. I was content with the way my life was going and i was also really confident as a person. I was in college for music and i was dating around flirting with cute boys going to parties. I mean you get the idea, life was going great and I was just happy and having fun. I thought nothing could bring me down or take away my happiness. Not even heartbreaks from boys! Because trust me throughout college i had my share of getting my heart broken because i have a bad tendency of going after the frat guys and jocks. You know, the typical guys who don’t know what they want yet so they like to play the field and toy with girls hearts. I had been toyed with so many times at that point, but still i didn’t really let it phase me, my self esteem was still high and happy after all of it.
Well my friend invited me to a party one night and I met my ex (the sociopath), lets call him Brandon. He flirted with me like CRAZY and i didn’t really pay attention to him because i didn’t really know who he was!! He just kind of came out of nowhere and started talking to me all night haha. So whatever i didn’t really think anything of it. Well me and my friend went to his house a few nights after just to hang with him and his roommates because my friend already knew all of them really well.The more Brandon talked to me the more interesting he became. He had this vibe to him that i had never felt before, it was very intriguing. He was very down to earth, funny, relateable, talkative. He was the “Life of the party” type of guy. I became addicted to being around him. I hung out with him every other day for a few months. We became best friends quickly. He would share things with me that he wouldn’t share with other people. He told me he had bad depression and was sad all the time. He also told me all of these sob stories about how people had screwed him over in the past. I was there for him so much and he enjoyed my company and my sympathy because it showed him i really cared about him. Then one night, he told me he thought of me as more than a friend and was very attracted to me. He wanted to know if i felt the same and i told him i did, so we started making out and things just heated up between us very fast. This became a normal thing for us for about two months. He would text me everyday, we would cuddle, he would take me on dates, watch movies with me, and basically treat me like his girlfriend. I though we were going to be in a relationship. Well randomly one night he texted me and told me he didn’t want a relationship with me and that he just would rather us be friends because he was scared he would end up hurting me if we continued what we were doing. Ok weird? I tried to talk him out of it because it was very dissapointing news but he insisted on just being friends and nothing more.
So a week or so later he had a big party at his house. Me and him were “friends” at this point but he was well aware that i still really liked him. Music was being played and he was standing next to me talking…I thought he’d start dancing with me but instead he all of the sudden goes and grabs this girl that his roommate had been hooking up with and starts dancing with her. While he does it, he looks me straight in the eye and starts grinding on her. As if he was trying to make me jealous, but i was confused because i had done NOTHING to make him act this way. I was nothing but nice to him. I looked at him back and was pissed, it didn’t phase him though he kept doing it. Then he grabs her hands and walks by me and says “come on girl lets go up to my room.” My heart sunk. I couldn’t believe what he was doing. I ended up going over to his room because his roommate was in there talking to them because he was wondering where she was. Brandon noticed i looked pissed so he confronted me in the hall and asked if i was ok. I ignored him because he was playing dumb on purpose, of course i wasn’t ok!! Anyways he ended up having sex with that girl. He hurt me and he hurt his roommate (which was one of his best friends). He didn’t even know the girl that he had sex with, he just did it to hurt us. That incident ended Brandon’s friendship with his roommate,he was very hurt and felt betrayed. It didn’t make sense because his roommate was such a good friend to him(they were friends for years). Brandon just let go of the friendship like it was nothing though and went about his life as if it didn’t happen. He felt NO remorse for it and refused to apologize because he didn’t think he did anything wrong. It was very bizarre.
So I moved on from him and dated someone else.Brandon and I remained friends after talking the party incident out. When he found out i was dating someone else and was happy again he got very angry about it. After me and that guy ended up not working out Brandon all of the sudden decided he wanted to try to date me again. So we dated for about another two months because we both were still into each other. Or so it seemed. Well randomly one night after we were at a happy level where it felt like we were going to be together he told me ONCE again that he didn’t want to date me because he didn’t think of me in a romantic way, only as just a friend. I was shocked and crushed. This was the first time he was that honest with me. I asked him if he ever really liked me or if he was just using me this whole time to sleep with me and he couldn’t give me a straight answer. He just said he thought it was understood we were just friends. I had so many questions for him but he basically told me he didn’t want to talk about it. I was so confused , i felt stupid for thinking i ever had a chance with him, and my self esteem was begginng to crumble. I didn’t understand why he would pursue me so hard (dates, cuddle, movies, talking for hours on the phone) if he never really wanted me to begin with. It was a cruel game he was playing with me. And i had no clue what i did to deserve it because i had been nothing but sweet to him. Yet he kept screwing me over and trying to upset me on purpose just for the heck of it. It really seemed that he actually enjoyed hurting me, making me feel dumb, and watching me fall. And he really didn’t seem to feel bad for hurting me. It was strange. No guy had ever done that to me before, not even the jerks and players! I mean they would screw me over, but they at least felt bad about it.
I was so hurt but i was so attached to him as a person that i tried to stay friends with him at least. We started hanging out a lot and he started flirting with me again. He said said he actually wanted to be with me and that he had changed his mind. He said this time he wanted to make it more official though and tell everyone of our friends about us being together because in the past we were secretive about it and that always bothered him. So i was starting to spread the word but out of nowhere he just vanished and went super cold on me. He was being very mean and started avoiding me and blowing me off like crazy. He talked me one day and said ” After thinking about it, maybe we shouldn’t tell people about us, it might not be a good idea because i don’t want a relationship right now”. Once again i was very confused. He was acting odd out of nowhere and this time was avoiding me like crazy. He kept telling me “Im too busy to see you”. I didn’t see him for a whole month. Then randomly I ran into him one day at the store, i asked him what he had been up to and he said “nothing really just bumming around”. I said “wow i thought you had been busy this whole time?” and he said “i don’t know what you’re talking about i was actually busy”. He knew i caught him in a lie, yet he wouldn’t admit to it no matter how much evidence i had. He became really defensive and angry with me and tried to make me feel dumb for standing up for myself.
After that happened i completely stopped talking to him because i had hit rock bottom. I felt so worthless and dumb. I had put SO much into our relationship, and he was putting out nothing. He knew i was upset and yet he was not there AT ALL for me, when i was there SO much for him. I let him in a know in a letter i gave him how hurt i was and that i was ending the friendship. I never got a response back, he completely ignored the letter and didn’t respond back at all. I was shocked, i at least thought he would say his sorries for hurting me, but i got nothing but silence. My friend went over to his house recently and said he is happy and seems to be living life as if me and him never existed. I am so very hurt because i am truly wounded from this experience and he literally could care less. My self worth, and self esteem is completely gone. I am so damaged that i don’t think i could ever trust men again. I just feel empty and it sucks. I never thought a year ago there would be any way i would ever end up this damaged. I was incredibly happy last year. But i unfortunately dated a sociopath that sucked the life right out of me.
Brandon’s behavior was the biggest mystery to me until last night when someone told me he might be a sociopath. I looked up the symptoms, and sure enough he matched every single one of them. It sucks to realize what he is but at least now it all makes sense and i’m not just crazy. He literally lives his life praying on other people’s happiness because he doesn’t have it himself. He is a very miserable and depressed person so i guess he gets satisfaction from hurting people that are close to him because it makes him feel like they are in pain just like him. I never thought actual human beings existed like that. I thought everyone felt empathy towards each other, but i guess that isn’t the case. Some people really do enjoy seeing others in pain. How do you even begin to recover from this?
Hi played, thank you for your story and welcome to the site. I am sorry to read that you are hurting so bad. Discard does hurt as it can make you feel worthless.
But you know he while this has hurt you deeply, he has done you a favour? Now hopefully you will be aware for the future. I don’t know if he is a sociopath they are masters of deceit and illusion. Compulsive pathological liars who will go to great lengths to cover for their lies. Never admitting to them even when the truth is staring you In the face they often try to keep you for potential future source of supply if they can. Just a small foot in the door.
He hasn’t treated you well or made you feel good about you. There are millions in the world with personality disorders of somekind. The effect on you being involved is not good.
If
If he has low self esteem and gets pleasure from hurting others to make himself feel good about himself he might be a narcissist.
They do this. Sociopaths are charismatic and charming. Your mind will be left confused as they smile and have kind eyes.
Sociopaths will say ANYTHING to get what they want and will go to incredible lengths to do so.
What he is is not important. What is important is how he has made you feel. You ask how you can get over this? Total avoidance might not be possible if you ARE in college together. But as much as you can block him out of your life. Block him on social networkworking from your mobile phone, email. This should help to empower you.
Also and more importantly remember nobody can take away you. You still are the same person (if wiser) that you were before you met him. That person is still within you. Nobody can take you away from you. The trick is finding you again.
I wrote a post how to find the person in the mirror. I can’t put it up as I am on my phone app but if you do a search you should be able to find it.
I hope this helps 🙂
Hi Played 🙂
This is how you begin to recover, by telling your story & finally writing it all down & reading it to yourself etc…it happened & you have survived 🙂
You will read & read & learn & learn some more & you will transition through each stage until you gain the self awareness that this type of encounter causes.
This is the lesson you will take & learn….no more accepting the unacceptable from any guy ever.
You deserve better & will now strive for better, more worthy people in your life.
Your young & it’s hard too come to terms with the Soc reality 😦
They are everywhere & you now have the tools to recognise them so, you can avoid them in future.
You are not alone & we welcome you here with support & empathy 🙂
You will be okay, your an amazing woman so, don’t forget that ever, we will remind you 🙂
Love & light….stay NO CONTACT or you will be drawn back in & around you’ll go again….be brave….PR xoxo
Hi, i dont know where to start, im 17 and i just got out of a really long hard relationship, and now ive realised he is a sociopath.. till now i didnt really know what they were. im struggling alot with the break up, i tried so hard, and i have never been so honest and opened up to someone the way i did with him. i really need some advice and how to cope with it. our relationship started off like a fairy tale, i realised early on he was lying about some things about his family and stuff but i thought it was just that he was insecure and he wanted to impress me. i forgve him. but it just conitnued for more than a year, i felt like i had to be very understanding, that he was troubled and vunrable and just needed love and support. i gave him everything i could, i got him a job, i let him move in with me coz his family threw him out, i even secured him a flat helped him with his education. then the day he moves out he left me just like that. i feel really despressed i feel like i gave him my heart and it ried to be the best person and i never held back, and now its like i dont understand, who he is. how do i deal with a break up when i dont even know the person its like our whole relationship was jsut fabricated but i was real.he ept lying through out but i truely belived he could change that he would grow out of it but ii was wrong. he lied about everuthing, i found alot of it out just after he broke up with me,and his lies werent innoccent they made me act differently he pretended to have diabetes and it worried me so much i used to look after him, buy him special foods, and his “head aches” and so on. i just feel alot of pain i dont have anyone to talk to about it, my friends and family are great but they treat it like anyother break up, they dont understand what it feels like to share everything with someone who well i dont even know who i shared everything with. how could someone do that? i was so inlove with the person i thought i was with and it felt real, now im wondering did he ever lovve me? and how could you hurt someone so much if you love them at all? any advice would really be welcome thank you 🙂
Hi Emma, welcome to the site!! I don’t think that sociopaths do love in the same way that non socios do. But this is not a reflection on you. If you read through posts on this site it should help you to make sense of what you have to experienced and hopefully to help you to heal and recover. Welcome to the site 🙂
Hey everybody 🙂
Reading about the signs of dating a sociopath makes me want to cry.. I think I’m still in denial: Of course I know, somewhere deep down, that he will never change and that I deserve better, but I still love him and hope for him to change – how stupid. We are really far away from each other and will be until next September, so it’s hard to find myself in the struggle that we are in. Is it just the long-distance, am I really being as mean as he makes me out to be? How can I get out of this mess without it leaving too many scars?
Hi sociopaths are great at creating drama. Playing victim and telling you how you are being mean. This space between you until next Sept is good if he makes you feel bad about you. Try to take some time to focus on you. You can leave this with wisdom.
Exactly, he’s a DRAMA-QUEEN!
Yes, I think I’m grateful to that, because I ended up doing something I didn’t have the courage to before. Things are looking grim right now, but I’ve read much worse on this site, so I think I’m getting outta there alive 😉
Yes and you have your freedom. Honestly freedom is something that you wouldn’t have with a sociopath.
What do you mean when you say you want him to change? In what way?.
That’s what I observed, too. But he couldn’t take my friends away 🙂
Hi guys, I need advice – I want to do the no contact thing and have removed him from FB but left him on Skype. He has texted on and off (only when he is bored or thinks I am out and about and having fun – if he thinks I am stuck at home with my kids he ignores me). I have started leaving a false trail, saying I am at my mother’s when I am not, just generally not letting him know what I am up to AND… lo and behold!! I read this site daily and he acts in a text book socio way that is amazing to watch BUT….
It still hurts and I need to give him a sofa and a bed back from my house but I don’t know how to go about it – he owes me money but I still want to give him these things back to do the right thing”…. he is 51 and has moved back into his parent’s since, although he bragged about it being his house etc etc, it is actually mine and he has not legal rights to any of it.
I just need the stuff gone so I don’t have to look at it and I know it sounds pathetic compared to some of your stories but I feel like my house is “dirty” and would rather sleep on the floor than in a bed we shared.
There are a couple of other things, like a mobile contract in my name and some outstanding bills but I would rather bite the bullet on that (although my daughters could do with the money, which is making me angry) than have contact with him.
I was thinking of having a fire – it being Bonfire Night next week – lol but as much as I would enjoy it, it seems wrong to burn someone else’s stuff.
I think this is me trying to get closure – it’s been 5 weeks since I chucked him out and he has told everyone that he walked out on me because I am mad. I have managed to hold my tongue, although I live in a small town, but I am lucky cos my close friends believe me and that is all that matters.
Hi Lulu, he has left the stuff & money ties so he has a connection or that you feel a connection, which you do 😦
‘Feeling dirty’, you have absolutely every right to feel like that, I still feel like it sometimes & knowing the full Sociopath way of life, I feel disgusted that a vile creature ever touched me…eeeww!!! Like having a serpent slither over me, I am good now but, that really made me feel vile ;(
Just give his stuff to a charity etc…write off the money as much as that stinks, he will either never pay or string it out so long it will just cause you more harm.
I doubt he’s living with his parents, he may be but, bound to have another source somewhere close?
Keep No Contact or you will set your healing backwards & 5 weeks is a great start but, it takes months & months to let go of the pain & grief etc…
Stay strong, it does get better but, is a process.
You are free of his stupid games & name calling is just his way of hurting you.
You are not mad but, he will drive you mad if you let him….:(
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
This site has been absolutely fascinating and I realise that I have just had the biggest near miss (well, he didn’t quite miss but I’m just about out of it within 2.5 months) – luckily he lives over 200 miles away and we only met twice.
We “met” when he contacted me via the Plenty of Fish website. His profile was brilliant – well written, long, good grammar, and saying everything I wanted to hear – he wanted a soulmate and best friend. He was housetrained – he could cook and iron. He was tactile and liked holding hands. Etc etc.
Over the course of the next two months (and even up to today) he bombarded me constantly with texts, emails to my Hotmail account, WhatsApps and emails to my work address. When it started to go wrong, after a month and the second visit (where he drugged me) – I printed off EVERYTHING (I even bought an app to allow me to download my texts from my iPhone), put it all into date order and filed it – it fills two lever arch files. There are tens of thousands of messages in there – it’s completely mental.
His messages quickly got very sexual, but it was really exciting – I just can’t believe how I reacted or how sucked in I became. I am a 56-year old woman with a good job, company car, nice house – I’m not a down and out “victim” type at all! But he was SOOO clever!There is LOADS more but it would take me a week to write it.
I thought I had found the man of my dreams, my absolute soulmate. I realise now that his grooming and mirroring was exemplary. I kept finding strange anomalies but refused to listen to what my mind-blown brain was trying to tell me.
– He was FURIOUS when I saw him online on Plenty of Fish after a couple of weeks – I made a complete joke out of it, but he went ballistic, saying he had removed his profile and that I was the only one he wanted. But I was sat looking at him ONLINE at the same time! And I wasn’t even “accusing” – it was such early days that I was making a joke out of it. I was still on the website myself at that point.
– His sister was dying, and apparently her life support machine was switched off on the weekend he visited me, which is why he had to rush off late afternoon after some frantic (but false, I am sure) phone calls and texts.
– His father died three weeks later “of a broken heart” because of his sister – this was his excuse for being “exceptionally busy” one week – he was arranging the funeral.
– When I was having a pancreatic cancer scare he immediately said he had pancreatic cancer and that he has radiotherapy every Friday when he’s in the country (he APPARENTLY travels a lot for his job).
– He proposed to me twice within the first month
– When I was having the cancer scare he was apparently halfway through his Penang/Siberia trip. He said he was going to hand in his notice the following Monday and fly straight back to me in Yorkshire (we had only met once, for one evening) because “You shouldn’t have to go through this alone” – but at that point, I didn’t know whether I was going to be going through anything.
– He was apparently in Penang and then Siberia – but when he sent me a photo of his screensaver (a picture of me that he “loved”) the time was UK time.
– He sent me photos of a Tiger Zoo in Siberia that he said he had visited that day (it was a Sunday). The photos were all different sizes, obviously professional, and I later found them all on the internet.
– Likewise three photos of a Thai banquet he apparently ate at in Penang one night – one of the photos even had the original photographs signature tag on it, I later found, when I printed it out!!! Needless to say, he wasn’t in any of these photos – neither was anyone else. They were from adverts for restaurants!
– He drove down to see me on a Sunday morning, direct off a 21 hour journey with four apparent changes of flight, driving straight down to Yorkshire from Glasgow airport …. but when he arrived he looked as fresh and clean as a daisy and there was no sight of a luggage tag anywhere. His bag was small (he told me he always travels light) and his shirts perfectly ironed (he’d had them laundered in the hotel).
– On one occasion he told me he earned “a pop star’s salary”, on another he said he only earned £30K (his job would normally attract a much higher salary but he blamed the fact that salaries in Scotland are much lower than England – he’s Glaswegian and works near Edinburgh).
– When I mentioned the cost of cigarettes one day, he said he was so broke until pay day, a week later, he couldn’t afford any, as he had had to pay for repairs on his Jag – so I “loaned” him £100.00 – sent it to his bank account. Needless to say, the loan has never been repaid.
– On another “Penang” trip two weeks ago, I was sure he wasn’t out of the country, so on the Monday morning I phoned his direct line at work – and he answered immediately. When I confronted him with it he said that professional companies like his diverted calls when he was away. No-one diverts a UK company landline to a mobile number in Penang! And it would take time to connect – he answered on the first ring!
– He constantly creates arguments out of thin air “shouting” by text/email and calling me names (we have only spoken on the phone twice and that was very brief – the whole “relationship” has been conducted by text and email). Then within seconds he can be back, communicating normally, as if nothing has ever happened.
– He dumped me three days after visiting “because of the way [I] had behaved” – I didn’t know what he was talking about. I don’t do extreme behaviour – if I drink too much I fall asleep, and that’s about as extreme as I get. And When I checked, I hadn’t drunk any more than I would on a normal night during the week. Then I realised, over a few hours, that actually I could barely remember anything about the day he arrived – just four brief flashes at 2.30pm. 4.30pm, 9.15pm and the following morning at about 7.00am. I had effectively lost the best part of 15 hours. Which is when I realised what had happened (there’s a lot more to this).
When he dumped me I felt absolutely BEREFT. I became completely obssessed with getting back in touch with him. As I said, over the course of a week I printed out every single conversation from every medium.
Someone mentioned psychopaths and sociopaths to me and I started to research it – and BANG! Lightbulb moment or what!
I have accused him of EVERYTHING – drugging, lying, being an alcholic (he drank a whole bottle of very strange “vodka” that he brought with him to my house, in one night), being a psychopath or sociopath. But still he comes back.
I haven’t seen him since 9th September, when he left to try and get back to “dying” sister before her life support was switched off, but we’ve been to hell and back in texts and emails. On Monday this week I got a text from him: “What ru doing evening of 7/11?” I didn’t reply for a couple of hours as I was out. When I got home I said “Nothing planned. Why?” He then sent me the same text over and over again: “Never mind … it was a dumb idea …”. He then emailed me and said he’s on a course in Nottingham next week and thought he might call in on the way back. I have neither said yes or no, but he’s gone off on one again.
Today’s texts:
“Am just not prepared to have my chain yanked when you want me then dropped when you don’t … Sorry.” Errrrrr? What was that about?
Then: “You keep getting me to think that this could work somehow then you say something that yanks the rug away … then you come back and make out everything is fine. Then wonder why I get fucked off?”. This is what HE does, not ME!!!!!!!
I am not going to reply. I am no longer obssessed with him – having read all I’ve read I really do realise that the “dream relationship” was a complete sham and I really have had a lucky escape. But he’s still got a bit of a hook into me, I can’t deny it. But I’m fighting it!!! Big time!
What’s the betting (if he really IS in Nottingham next week) I hear from him before 7/11? And what do I do if he lands on my doorstep that night?!!
I am so glad I found this website, I believe it is going to save my life, I did not realize the mess I was in until it was waaaaayyyy too late, but luckily I now have knowledge that its not too late and there is healing in recovery
Hi alady welcome to the site 🙂
God….it’s been almost a month since I walked away from my scoiopath girlfriend. I still feel waves of things that are so broken in me. I can’t believe I let this girl do this. I have literally a difficult time even believing anything good about myself anymore. I can’t believe what this girl did and how I let her! She never has done anything with her life. She hides behind being a mother of four as an unquestionable achievement. Its not achievement when she made the choice to screw around on her husband several times, and then move out with another guy leaving her kids behind. She explains that the reason state the supports her and her kids, is because she escaped from an “abusive husband.” Oh yeah, while she collects benefits she also has moved her two younger kids in and herself in to live off her rich mother.
She managed to undermine everything that is sacred to me. I have a great career, am a decorated veteran, and musician/singer. I have all this going for me but have to have friends come check on me eveynight when “the pain hits.” Its like a spiritual rape of somekind that has occured from dating this wackjob for a year. The most troubling part is the weirdness that would occur during sex. She would become odd. I am described by most people as masculine. I was sexually abused as a child, and have worked hard to overcome that. But this woman has brought me back to that helpless horrifying place of helplessness and hopelessness I felt as a child. Like I said, if I didn’t have such good friends I think I would probably be in a hospital or something. I feel so freaking broken.
Someone please respond. I feel like I’m dying inside. I’m freaking broken
Hi Broken,
First and foremost, You are not Broken, It is her. I am in the same spot you are, being just a few weeks of awareness and acceptance that my ex is a sociopath as well. I can tell you this, the people that post here have very sage advice and just browsing around this site can give you the information and confidence, as well as support to understand that it’s not you.
I can only restate was has already been said, but I did want to give you the reassurance that there is help availabe. My own story is above, and you can see that my SOC took me as far down as you can go, then yet again tried to get back on board when it was over. Be strong, accept the fallacies are not within yourself, and begin to heal, It can be a hard road, but the reward is getting yourself back.
You can do it.
Jesus, thank you. I never thought I’d need such support but I do and am so grateful its there. Thank you Scapperk
@broken. It’s not that UR broken its more that they are better at the game than we are. I’m going thru similar things. The isolation. The torment. The realization of it all. I learned here that they create an addiction in us and its not like a normal relationship/breakup. I went thru waves of emotions like u r now. I still get them but fewer between. Give urself three months. Read articles here. Post comments here. Get a counselor if u need one but stay NC w her. After three months u will be in a different place. Not healed all the way but past some of the pain and believe me even tho u think of her u will not want her back to go thru this all again. I am at three months. Starting month four. I missed him just the other day due to a triggering event but lookin at his sickness I know I don’t wanna walk this road again! So I’m giving myself another three months. In other words take baby steps if u have to. Pray if u do that. Stay busy w friends. And allow urself to feel these feelings right now. They r normal emotions and u r not broken. she was broken. You deserve a real person who can really love and care. I think we all got a taste I what we want from our partners that now we know we can have it. And we will find it in someone. Just remember she is a game. Don’t play it!!
Thankyou so much Judahbug. This support system is giving me some sanity back. I guess its the sexual attraction/addiction I formed thats wrecking me now. Even though, when looking back, she was more into herself than us even when we were intimate.
I guess I shouldn’t think about it. First thing she said was what a stud she thought I was. The mistake I made was being flattered that she thought that and expressed that. That was throwing her signals that she could alter my self-esteem through sex and giving/or witholding flattery.
Well Done Scrapperk & your doing a great job supporting Broken 🙂
Paying it forward is a great sign of healing, you are really doing a lot to help 🙂
Stay strong & keep moving forward 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Man, the memories keep flowing in like a delayed release bomb. Thanksgiving: I was invited over to Thanksgiving at her mom’s estate (where she lived for free at the age of 45 while simultaneously collecting benefits..she works but spends her money on beauty products). Her mother asked me if I wanted a drink, so I said sure. I’d love a beer. All the sudden my SOC starts whispering in my ear that her kids won’t like me if I drink in front of them. I said that is weird. They don’t even know me. She said that she has a drinking problem and that they don’t want to see her with anybody drinking. Meanwhile I catch her sneaking drinks in with her sister in the kitchen. I’m starting to get confused. I say the hell with it and think..if her mom thinks its okay, then I’ll have a beer. I started feeling like I was imagining things. My beer kept disappearing, and I finally caught her pounding it down in the basement where I went to have a cigarette. I asked her why she made me feel like a jerk for having a beer. ANd I said that it wasn’t really that hospitable and it threw me off balance. She said “I apologize for my kids” (they hadn’t done anything let alone speak to me). The next thing she did totally took me by surprise. Again, I’m no prude and have had good, fun, sexy relationships. But her performing oral sex on me with her family upstairs kind of shocked me, and sort of gave me the creeps. I must admit though..I couldn’t stop it. She told me “not to worry about making a mess because she would take care of it.” WHen I ejaculated she forced it all onto my clothes and made a mess of my pants and shirt. She laughed at me and told me I’d have to wear one of her father’s (who is deceased) sweaters. It was a heavy wool sweater. The house was extremely hot and I remember sweating all the way through what I thought would be a lovely dinner (her whole family ..siblings..nieces..nephews…etc). I’ll never forget the look of everybodys’ faces as I sat there with the patriarch’s sweater on and sweating like a slob. SHe just sat there and laughed at me and announced to the table that I must be sweatin gout last nights alcohol (which made me look like a total loser). By now I felt so self conscious that I couldn’t wait for dinner to end and I could go home. The next week her sister said everybody loves me. My ex-SOC whispered to me her kids don’t cuz they think I’m a heavy drinker. Thus the disaster begins
Gentle souls are always the target of sociopaths. They seem to zero in on us and use our kindness as a mind game for their kicks. They are evil souls. It takes a lot of distance but “no contact” heals all wounds.
Oh god, I am struggling. I dislike him intensely but I also miss him. What is that all about? I don’t know that I can ever get over him…even though he used me. I seem to have no dignity left.
Hi r, if the person that you were with was a sociopath, you will know that there was a duality of personality. What you were shown and what was real. It can be difficult as what is shown to you is perfection. Whilst behind the scenes is carnage. Sociopaths also deliberately create dependency and addiction. Try to stay strong. Tell yourself you won’t make contact just for today. See this as an addiction. It’s easier to manage an addiction day by day. Tell yourself you can break it tomorrow if you need to (then tomorrow renew). Read the article how to get your feelings out without breaking contact. Try to keep yourself busy. Know that if you went back things would either be the same or likely worse. Write a list of all the happy things you want to invite into your life. Visualise it, see it, breath it…. You deserve it. Remember just one day at a time. As more things come into your life . As your world gets bigger his presence will seem smaller and you will feel more in control.
@positivagirl. Thank you so much. I don’t have contact with him anymore and haven’t for about 6 months. 6 months ago I felt like a broken woman but each day that passes I feel a little bit stronger. Some days are difficult and can leave me feeling incredibly distressed and absolutely worn out but those days are becoming fewer. Thank you for your support. x
I am on the same struggle. I thought he was honest, but he was using me.
I am in the middle of a bitter divorce involving a sociopath. He owes me $30,000. Aside from the money, we have a baby. He just got his supervised visitation waived because he completed a SODAT course. I had him drug tested in court….he failed. He also got a DUI after I left him in Feb ’13. I know he is a sociopath, but how can I go about getting it noticed in a court of law? I am afraid for my child. My lawyer keeps saying that I have to have evidence. How do I get evidence? How can I have him tested? He’s a sociopath….a horrible liar. I found out after filing for a restraining order that he has a criminal record. I could go on and on about what he has done to me, but I really need to know if you can put me in contact with someone that has had a sociopath challenged and diagnosed in a court of law. I need to speak to someone that has had this challenge and how they overcame it. It’s not about winning at this point…I know that there is no winning when it comes to him… it’s about protecting my baby.
I went thru a grueling 3 year custody battle with a mad man. I had three little girls he tried to get full custody of . We both had to take psychiatric tests and be interviewed by court psychiatrist for the courts to make a visitation/custody ruling. They gave me custody with him having regular visitation. I will tell you this……..you are wasting your time saying you believe he is a sociopath or any other diagnosis……..unless the court believes your child’s life is in danger or they will be neglected to the point of child abuse….that is the only way they will keep the child from him. You must have evidence or proof that your child’s life is in danger, or they will be abused, etc. So, since father and mother can’t agree on visitation…….you have a chance that he will come out poorly in written test or interview……….but that’s really all you have right now. It will be easier as the days go by tho because eventually it will be obvious if harm is being done. I know how difficult this is……….i was suicidal in my despair. It will play itself out, believe me. He most likely won’t even follow visitation or want to see the kid after the battle is over. My daughters are full grown women now, all smart, successful, wonderful. We all survived. My middle daughter is a psychologist………she understands it all now.