Hi,
I’ve just discovered that the only man I have trusted in 10 years is an sp. I met him when I was with someone else and he quickly declared his love for me. I was very much in love with the other guy but he cheated on me and I ended it.
I tried to make it work with the sp in question but I found it hard to trust him and I was still pining for the other guy so I ended it.
The sp kept coming back, begging me to give it another try. Sometimes I would think ‘maybe’ and we’d sleep together (only for me to realise my mistake) but more often than not I’d send him packing.
He has always insisted that I am the only woman he could ever truly love and I finally decided to give it a go with him. I found out a month ago that he got married and has a kid! He has been with her since 2006 (when he was begging me to give him another chance) and has been lying to me the whole time. He has made me complicit in an affair when he knows how much I hate infidelity.
He watched me fall apart when my ex cheated on me and kept telling me how much he hated him for hurting me! I believed it. I thought he was, at the very least, a trusted friend. I think back now to all the phone calls in the middle of the night, him crying and telling me he hated his life without me and I know I should have spotted the warning signs.
He asked me to move in with him last October (before I had decided I wanted to be with him). When I found out about the wife I asked him if I was going to live in a secret cupboard. He told me they had split up. I have since spoken to the wife and this is not true. I don’t think, for one minute, he thought I would tell her but I decided to after he had said that he wished she would die in a car crash and that he wished his child had never been born. I haven’t told her these things yet. I don’t know if I should.
Thing is, I only decided to give it a go with him because I had given up hope of ever finding anyone else. And that is still there. It’s so hard to explain as I never really liked him that much but I believed that he loved me and now I feel like I can’t trust the ground beneath my feet. All I seem to be able to do is cry and smoke. The web of deceit is unbelievable. I’m scared I’m broken forever 😦
Hi it is not true, you are not broken forever – although it might feel like this right now. It can and does get better. But learning to trust again can be difficult. The trick is to learn to trust yourself again. Welcome to the site!! 🙂
I figured out about 5 years ago that my ex was a sociopath. We were together for a year and a half. He was my everything. We had a very strong physical connection. But there were sooo many red flags and I wish I had trusted my instincts. If these things are happening in a relationship, you might be dating a sociopath:
-losing weight because you can’t eat because you are constantly anxious about your relationship
-he texts you and you text him right back and then he never responds.
-you tell him you are sick and he says, That’s too bad.
-he never tells you the same story the same way–there are lies, but you can’t figure it out
-you think you are going crazy
-somehow you are always to blame, the out of control one, the paranoid one, etc.
-you are in the process of cooking him an extravagant meal, when he calls to tell you he’s not coming because it’s his mom’s birthday and they are grilling so you should come over. And you actually go.
-he thinks it’s cute when you cry or are angry
-he is constantly asking you about if he looks good, etc.
I was devastated when I finally broke up with him. I begged him to come back. I suffered for a long time with feeling way insecure (which came out as jealousy-something I had never dealt with before) and feeling inadequate. And I couldn’t get over him. I GOT MARRIED AND I WAS STILL CALLING/TEXTING HIM SOMETIMES “JUST TO SAY HI”. What an idiot (me). I even met up with him once for coffee. NOTHING happened, but man, there was that old tension and charisma again. The last time I contacted him was a year and a half ago—-7 years after we broke up.
Yes, I’m in therapy now. He wasn’t worth it (yet it so felt like he was).
I am so sorry for your suffering…I too was another victim of a Sociopath however this was my FIRST AND LAST!!!!
It all began in 2009 when I was married and living in my hometown. I got a notice that this “person” had visited my profile. I hadn’t seen or heard of him in about 20 years. We graduated from the same high school together and grew up in the same small town. We had worked together briefly while working a summer job while we were home from college. While I didn’t know him in high school (we graduated with approx. 800 students), I was dating one of his friends and this is how I met him…
He was nice and charming in 1988 the last time I had seen him. I heard he married a local girl and that was about it, He seemed nice back then so I figured I would say “hi” and see how life was treating him. At this time my marriage was still in tact, so he had NO IMPACT ON MY DIVORCE.
I sent him and email to say “hi” and he replied right away. MISTAKE NUMBER 1..
He told me about being divorced for 14 years and that he never remarried, had a beautiful daughter, blah blah blah…
A year had passed and my husband shocked me with plans to divorce…I had been thinking about it for years because we married for the wrong reasons but I was trying to honor my commitment and vows.
That was in July 2010. THE NIGHTMARE STARTS HERE…
I was 42 years old, no children (my ex did not want children) and coming out of a failed, miserable marriage. I hadn’t married until I was 34..My therapists and everyone around me told me I “settled” because I didn’t think I deserved someone attractive and nice….lol…..Does that man even exist???
I emailed “B” and asked for advice from a man’s perspective. Most of my friends had been divorced but I wanted a man’s point of view…
B and I exchanged emails for the next few months. He offered great advice and to hang in there….We tried to get together however our schedules never permitted until December 11, 2010….HATE THIS DAY!!!!
We met for lunch at noon on a Saturday. As friends….I had only known that he was “dating” some older women who was 51 (B and I were 42)…She was a drunk, with 2 college degrees, living off of her ex husbands money in a huge expensive house in the area…
I was very excited to see him, as a friend. The red flags started going off as soon as I walked into the restaurant. He was sitting at the bar with his back to the door. I thought this friendly reunion would be a little more “welcoming” however as soon as he turned around I immediately saw a different B!!!
Of course he had aged but he still was attractive….besides I was only going to meet a friend for lunch..that’s it……
He didn’t even get up to hug or greet me…He sat there looking like someone had killed his puppy (btw, he hates animals)…..
I being the nice, honest, carling and loving person tried to fake my disappointment but that was quickly interrupted when his phone kept ringing and text messages started pouring in.,.RED FLAG!!!
I then hands me his phone and says “listen to this”…it was the drunk 51 year old “C”…..lol…I was thinking the same thing…how did he end up with this one???
She left a message with only 2 words…..”call me”….but she sounded drunk, drugged, desperate and insane all at the same time..
I couldn’t believe my ears and I looked at him and said OMG, what is her problem??? He dismissed it and said “she’s crazy”.
We had a “nice” lunch…lol.. but it was not the friendly “how have you been doing for the past several years” lunch I was planning on.
He was disconnected and totally distracted…He tried to make me think he was excited to see me but I could tell he wasn’t..due to this C woman…ugh.
BTW She was the nastiest, bleached blonde, disgusting woman I had ever seen..Yes I ended up seeing pics of her…unfortunately…
We left the lunch with a “hug” blah……..and I had hoped that this C woman was a past indiscretion that he had…I was wrong….I trust the wrong people and he knew EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING…HE HAD ME HOOKED BECAUSE WE HAD BEEN FRIENDS YEARS PRIOR AND I WAS COMING OUT OF A FAILED MARRIAGE WITH WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS LOW SELF ESTEEM…THIS WAS HIS FIRST MISTAKE.NEVER ASSUME “B”….
We texted for the next 5 days just friendly and on Thursday, December 16th he texted me early and asked if I could talk. Of course, me being the nice person said yes…He called and said he and “C” had the worst fight the night before and it was over. HA!!!! Right…..
Well, here’s where I get mad at myself…..against my better judgment and HAD I KNOWN WHAT I DO NOW… I WOULD HAVE NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS SAID WHAT I SAID NEXT….
This is where I blame myself….I suggested that we maybe consider dating….ugh…..my marriage was lost and he had already filed papers….I didn’t want to date or plan on it but “B” was seemingly a great choice….yeah right…..not at all!!!!
We had our first “date” on Saturday December 18th….this is very painful writing this..my stomach hurts every time I talk about him and this fateful day….
THE SECOND WE SHIFTED FROM FRIENDS TO DATING IT ALL CHANGED..AND BY SECOND I MEAN SECOND..
THE LAST 2 1/2 PLUS YEARS HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY STOLEN FROM ME!!!!
I HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK FROM TYPING RIGHT NOW BEFORE I PASS OUT….THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING AND THERE IS SO MUCH MORE THAT WILL BLOW EVERYONE’S MIND BUT I WANTED TO CONNECT WITH OTHER VICTIMS TO TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME AND MY LIFE SINCE “B” CAME INTO IT AGAIN..
ALL I CAN SAY IS:
1. HE IS STILL ON SEVERAL ONLINE “DATING” SITES.. I CALL THEM “HOW HE FINDS HIS NEXT VICTIM” SITES…..
2. HE TORTURED ME ENDLESSLY WITH CONSTANT LYING, GAME PLAYING, WORD WIZARDRY, CONTROL, BLAME, SINCE DECEMBER 2010.
3. I TRIED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM ON DECEMBER 31, 2010 AFTER I HAD SUSPECTED HIM OF LYING ABOUT NOT TALKING TO OR SEEING THIS “C”: DRUNK WOMAN….HE FINALLY RELAXED AFTER WE HAD A NICE NEW YEARS EVE DINNER AT A VERY NICE LOCAL RESTAURANT….I GOT UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND WENT DOWNSTAIRS TO SEE IF I COULD FIND HIS PHONE…WHICH HE HAD SEWN TO HIS CHEST LIKE IT WAS A PERMANENT FIXTURE..LOL..
WHAT I SAW WAS SO DISGUSTING…HE HAD GRAPHIC SEXUAL PICS OF HIM AND “C” ON THERE I IMMEDIATELY DROPPED THE PHONE, WANTED TO VOMIT, AND SNUCK UPSTAIRS TO GATHER MY STUFF AND LEAVE WITHOUT HIM KNOWING..
HE HEARD ME AND SAID” WHAT’S WRONG?” (PLEASE LIKE HE REALLY CARED BUT REMEMBER I HAD NEVER KNOWN OR DATED A SOCIOPATH EVER!!!!)
I TOLD HIM I HAD TO LEAVE AND HE IMMEDIATELY ASKED IF I HAD LOOKED AT HIS PHONE…YES I KNOW, I INVADED HIS PRIVACY BUT IF I HAD IGNORED THE RED FLAGS THAT LED TO IT, I WOULD NEVER HAD PROOF…I NEEDED PROOF BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIM AS A FRIEND FIRST AND FOREMOST…
RIGHT AWAY I TRIED TO LEAVE AND HE GRABBED ME, HE STARTED TO CRY, YES CRY A 42 YEAR OLD MAN, AND SAID THE FATAL TO A “SAVER” LIFE MYSELF…”PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME, I NEED YOU!!!!!”
THAT WAS IT…..I WAS HOOKED…..UGH…..
WE WERE THE WORST PAIRING IN THE HISTORY OF MEN AND WOMEN!!!!
I WILL POST MORE LATER BECAUSE I WANT EVERYONE TO BE AWARE OF HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN TRICK EVEN THEIR CLOSEST FRIENDS, FAMILY, COWORKERS, EVERYONE!!!!
MY STORY IS LIKE EVERYONE’S ON HERE BUT WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES SHARE….I AM TRYING TO START A SUPPORT GROUP IN THE PITTSBURGH, PA AREA…
THESE PEOPLE NEED TO BE STOPPED…THEY CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE TO VICTIMIZE WOMEN,,,,I AM SO DISGUSTED THAT OUR LEGAL SYSTEM HAD FAILED AT PROTECTING WOMEN LIKE MYSELF WHO NEVER SUFFERED PHYSICAL ABUSE FROM A SOCIAPATH LIKE “B”, BUT THEY DIDNT CONSIDER MY EXTREMEME MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE SERIOUS ENOUGH FOR A PROTECTION FROM ABUSE ORDER…
STORY TO BE CONTINUED…I JUST WISH TO GOD THIS WASNT MY LIFE BUT SADLY ENOUGH IT IS….
Kim sounds like we had the same guy. I found websites. Gay sites transsexual sites. The lies. Excuses. The crazy ex girlfriends. it’s always everyone else’s fault. Never him. I spoke with a bisexual male he had been texting. I spoke w a woman he wanted to teach him how to wear makeup. I spoke to another lady who picked him up and took to her house 5 min after I dropped him off for work. He hated my friends and family. Hated my church. UR story and his lines are exactly the same. My story is out here too. And everyday I remember more if the things he is over the past 3 years. He abandoned me no less than 7 times. I was gullible and let him back each time
Hi Kim 🙂
You are not alone & yes many of us have similar stories & yours is eerily similar to mine…we are all in the same boat but, keeping it afloat 🙂
You will be okay, I bounded from a 19 year miserable marriage straight into my Soc’s arms. That was 10 years ago, I’m 50 now & finally realizing all my mistakes…better late than never 🙂
You must focus on your healing, not saving the world. Save yourself first & the rest will follow, I promise you that 🙂
We are all here for you so, vent, scream (in italics) & laugh with us as we all feel your pain.
Be Strong 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
Yup. Those are just the key flags… and the warning signs that are mostly on the surface when you are getting to know the Sociopath in the early stages. Sociopaths talk about love, romance and the perfect relationship…but their actions always speak very differently.
They role play, say etc…whatever they need to make them believable otherwise they are nothings! The greatest illusionists & mine was so into illusion/magic tricks etc…very telling!
Once we realise they are fake, then we start to lose the illusion they create until nothing is left, which is the best part of them, Nothing!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo….stay real always 🙂
Wow. I like your story because I often feel that to be considered to have been victimized by a “sociopath” or narcissist it is as though it has to be an extreme story such as Nikki’s, the creator of the website.
My story is much more subtle and the only thing that makes sense is that he was at least narcissistic personality disorder, and on the spectrum of sociopath.
It is almost as is if the subtlety can be more damaging, because you do not get taken seriously or even take yourself seriously when comparing it to the guy who steals your expensive gold watch, etc.
Nothing like that happened to me, but when all was said and done, it was the worst aftermath of a break up I had had.
I relate to your experience, Celina. I still question if I am the problem instead of him. In fact, at this point, I question everything. This has brought up my experiences in past relationships. Some were very obvious and I suspect sociopathy in at least 1-3 former boyfriends. But today, I was considering the possibility that this has been going on for me much longer than I realized. I’m evaluating every male relationship or interaction I’ve ever had, and I’m mostly wondering if they saw me the way I saw myself or if I have been wearing blinders. I also wonder if my earliest relationships were what I thought they were or if I’ve been fooled for a long time.
With respect to the “subtlety” you mention, I used to put my foot down fast on obviously disrespectful behaviors, even to the point of being harsh or perceived maybe as not being understanding. I just didn’t want to get caught up in anything or go down an unfruitful path. I wonder now if those instincts aren’t spot on, and that I don’t need to know the backstory to even understand my own subconscious warnings. Still, I can’t say I haven’t learned anything with this.
Hey Celina, I don’t think it matters how bad the sociopath was – or your experiences (my experiences in life have always tended to be extreme) – what is important is how it has made you feel. Besides some of them are so subtle so clever – that you doubt it yourself and think – perhaps you are mistaken – sometimes that kind of abuse is worst of all as it makes you doubt yourself and everyone else sees them as the ‘ nice guy’
Ditto what Pos said 🙂
I had the Charismatic ‘nice guy’ but, turned out to be the most awful high functioning Soc I’ve had the misfortune to encounter.
Mine was slow & methodical & gaming & moving etc…10 years later here I am & the depth of the betrayal & lies was mind-blowing.
Still standing & healing, I am proud to be a survivor now & less a victim 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
This is the 3rd time I’m writing this on here because of the stupid WordPress login requirement–I’m exhausted.
And here we go again….
My story:
BACKGROUND:
2 months prior, I broke up with a boyfriend that I had for almost 3 years. We had a great relationship–just wasn’t going anywhere. I have never been able to just be single. Hence…
MEETING MY SOC:
My soc was a refugee from a European country. He had been in the US for four years. He was 22 and lived with his family. One of his close friends also from his country introduced us at a club–she was the sister of his bestie.
The truth? I was initially attracted to my soc’s fantastic looking best friend–who also happens to be a soc. My soc and I started hanging out and even though he wasn’t really that good looking and had a gray front tooth, there was just SOMETHING about him. Yes, he had a sexy accent, spoke another language, had a different culture, all of which were enticing, but he had a confidence, a magnetism about him that was very attractive to me. Things moved quickly on the physical front, which I can’t say was his fault..oops. Anyway, we were together for about a month when he went to Europe with his best friend for the summer.
I was entranced by him. I thought of him all summer and my stomach was so anxious to see him again that I stopped eating. I lost about 5-6 lbs. I stayed home almost the whole summer because I was so anxious. I did go out once with his best friend’s sister–who has known him since childhood. I asked her once if he was kind of a liar–I must have been noticing some things–but she refused to confirm or deny. He did call me while in Europe, quite a few times. He brought me home a vase, which was nice. When he got home to held me tight on his lap and told me he missed me so much and that he never misses anyone. I felt *so special*.
The day after he got home? He informed me he was going clubbing with his best friend. The same best friend he just spent the whole summer with. I was pissed. We started fighting a lot. We broke up. We got back together. He told me if I cheated on him he would know because, “he has eyes everywhere”. Well guess what, asshole? I did cheat on you! And he never knew. I know, I know, it wasn’t right, but it was a challenge to me. Not the sign of a good relationship. He may have twisted my world upside down, but I fought back. I made it hard for him. We fought a lot. I questioned him. I paid attention. I remembered things. I was always on edge. I felt like he was cheating, but I didn’t have any proof.
Here is a list of what we did while together:
-sat on his couch drinking diet coke and watching basketball, which I hate, while he would tell me how good he was at basketball and how he knew so many of the European NBA players because he was on a country basketball team (which was true). But he talked about it constantly–grandiose.
-eating at one of the same 3 restaurants that he would go to. Never wanted to go anywhere else.
-I would go watch him play basketball. To do this, I would shower, pay lots of attention to hair and makeup, and have the perfect sexy, yet properly modest outfit. I was his trophy to show to the guys (funny bc I’m not really anything special).
-Going to clubs. All the freaking time. I didn’t drink because he didn’t drink. His soc bestie went with us 90% of the time. Sometimes he’d call and say, “We are coming in 20 minutes. Be ready.” It was actually kind of exciting.
-Sitting at coffee shops. Constantly.
He never met my friends, because I didn’t have any, really. I spent every waking hour being available for him. My best friend since 12th grade, who lived 1.5 miles away from me? I saw her 1-2 times in 15 months–he told me she wasn’t really a good friend. I didn’t want to do things with anyone else because I wanted to be free for him.
Ways I Compromised Myself:
-slept on my own mattress on the floor because he didn’t want to share a bed with me.
-wore what he wanted me to wear, to please him and make me more attractive.
-got a complex about my butt. He always pointed out girls with nice butts–mine is not. I became horribly insecure about my looks, even though I was dressing up more than ever before.
-I would stay up till 2-3 in the morning with him, regardless of the fact I had to be at work by 7.
-I slept at his house about 80% of the time. Knowing I had to get up and work at 7 didn’t keep him from playing video games with those annoying headsets all night. If I showed irritation, he got really mad at me.
-didn’t drink because he didn’t think we should drink. I started drinking at the end in my rebellion stage.
-he didn’t like swearing, so if I swore he’d fake slap me on the mouth. Who puts up with that?
We broke up once for a week. That week I ate nothing. He froze me out. I finally caved and called his mom and begged her to have him call me. We got back together.
THE END/The Beginning
He rarely came to my house or stayed there. But one night he was going to and I was making dinner. I had never made dinner for him before and I was sooooo excited. I went out and bought about $60 worth of food–and as I was in the kitchen cooking, he called. He informed me it was A.) his mom’s birthday B.) they were grilling and I should come over. When I told him I bought all this food and was cooking for him, he said it was just food and money and who cares? I was livid. But I still went. That night we made up. We were sitting on the couch together being cute. He pointed to his eye, drew a heart in the air, and pointed to me. Oh my gosh, I thought, he loves me!!!!!! He never told me that before. “You love me? Really?” I asked. He laughed in my face, “NOOOOOOO…I LIKE you!” I was so hurt. A few days later I caught him in a stupid lie, told him I couldn’t trust him, was tired of calling/texting and no response, etc. and I broke up with him.
I thought it was over…but it still lasted 7 years…that part? My next post. My hands are exhausted.
Sorry “my story” posted twice…I thought I had lost the first one…
I just wanted to say a few things about recovery.
After we broke up I followed my old pattern of dating right away–trying to fix the pain with someone else. It didn’t work. I wish I would have taken 6 months off of dating and just focused on rebuilding myself. My soc and I did have some contact during the first year–texts or messages. He was dating someone else. I was heartbroken.
In the meantime, I met my husband–a month after we broke up. For the first time in my life, I found myself dealing with major jealousy issues–I was so insecure and jealous of my new bf’s exes. I found myself internet stalking them, comparing myself. I had never been like that. I was also really angry and still thought about my soc a lot.
My husband and I got married 18 months after the soc and I broke up. I still didn’t know he was a soc. My marriage wasn’t going well. I got back in contact with my soc, who now lived with his girlfriend. We were exchanging inappropriate texts. We even met up once–for coffee–and the attraction was intoxicating. I managed to get myself out of there fast–nothing happened. But a few weeks later, after some texting, he said he was willing to meet me for sex. I was so, so, so tempted. But I am married. That’s important to me, even if the marriage wasn’t going well and sex was an issue for us. I resisted. Then I ignored my soc for a long time, though my heart still longed for him.
Fast forward 4 years after we broke up—I was still married, but still occasionally texting my soc. Just to “check-in.” I still pined. THAT’S the kind of spell I was under. At one point, we texted and then talked on the phone. I lived far away from him–thankfully. The conversation went from catching up to reminiscing to becoming suggestive. He just wanted to talk about sex. I told him my mom had been sick, he literally said, “Oh, that’s too bad.” and then wanted to talk about sex. I remember thinking, “He doesn’t care about me–he cares about sex.” Later in the conversation I told him I felt like we were destined to be back together when we were old. He said no, because we’d be old and wrinkly and the sex wouldn’t be as attractive. That’s when the mask came off for me. He didn’t love me–it wasn’t a tragic love story.
We still texted occasionally after that. I would just miss him so much, just want to talk to him. I was still married. I had a baby. I decided to break off contact with him. When he texted me, I’d see the number and immediately shut my eyes and delete the msg. I didn’t even read it. It was so so so hard, but it worked…for a while.
The last time I texted him was Jan. 2012. It was still so exciting for me. I felt EXACTLY like I had when we were together–so nervous, couldn’t eat–constantly checking my phone for msgs. And it was the same pattern. I text him, wait 5-10 minutes for his response and then txt back right away…he said he would call me later that day…and he never did. I felt like I finally let go after that.
I haven’t had contact since, though sometimes I look at his FB page–I do that with just about everyone, so I don’t feel bad about it. I kind of wonder how and why he got so under my skin….
So, my point is that it takes time, A LOT of time, and mistakes too. The healing process from this relationship has been mind boggling. I can’t describe the damage.
…
Thank you positivea. It just seems like all I can do is cry. His wife wanted to speak to me this time last week but now she has disappeared. He must have given her a right load of flannel but I have sent her a bunch of his emails so if she has fallen for it then I’ve got little sympathy for her. I’ve just proven that he has been cheating on her since they met. I think she thinks she can fix him. I guess all I can do is be there on the day she finally comes home and finds him gone. Although he may cut the break lines in her dar before that day comes.
Hi gaslighted – his initials are SL…Northwest and Southeast England would be where he will have been operating…. Ring any bells?
Shockingly, no.
And even more shocking how parallel the scenario is, yet there is likely no connection at all, since I am in the states.
My heart is with you, as I know what this is like.
I have been 10 weeks NC, and the silence has become deafening, as I am in an new environment and grasping for a solid ground to stand on. Being 10 years on and off with him has created quite a dependency, and somewhat of a void when he is not in my life.
I need to pull out of this funk, this mild depression. I want to feel deeply again and see colors brighter again.
Its funny, some days/weeks I am so strong and doing so well. Other days, I just have the numbness or mild gnawing at my heart.
I deserve better.
Hi Sukey 🙂
Don’t’ worry about his wife as she has her own journey like, the OW in my saga.
Just concentrate on yourself & take this lesson as one you can rebuild from.
The self awareness that comes from the Soc experience is life altering but, I believe all part of the process.
It’s hard to face the truth of the Soc & your role in their life & the part we play.
As they are so fond of our weakness & vulnerability, & our ability to love & desire them, we have to question why/how we let ourselves get so distracted from our own self, moral codes & beliefs etc…
In my experience we are so good at giving that when we don’t receive the same in return fully, we learn to accept the scraps that they throw us.
Ultimately we know that it’s not good enough but, still we put up with less, hoping for more. We begin to accept the unacceptable & then they have us fully.
We think if we love them enough & are good, we will convince them that they cannot live without us.
As we all know (blatantly obvious), that the Soc can & does live without us because there is an endless supply of like minded/good/giving victims, just waiting to pick up where we leave off from.
No amount of warning, red flags, will stop someone else being engulfed so, just concentrate on your own healing.
It takes a huge effort to re-programme your brain from Soc control & dependence to your own power & mind. We keep believing the illusion, the what ifs & the desire to have them. They create the allure of having a bit of them, yet not really having anything.
Very addictive, but tragic. (Cat & Mouse) turns to the mouse just getting a little crumb of cheese to keep you in the game.
Starved but, here’s a little to sustain you longer.
Oh & mousey, I will let you go but, my Soc claws will keep you in range so, beware!
We become victims & the victim mentality kicks in, then it’s why me etc…then the depression 😦 We then kick into, survival mode but, it’s hard because in order to survive we have to admit defeat & gather ourselves up & damn that hurts. No answers, no remorse, no nothing, ‘The War is Over’…go home to you.
You may suffer PTSD, depression but, only you can fix you, with a load of support & help but, ultimately your own will too survive & hopefully thrive.
We wouldn’t do this to anyone so, why/how can they do it to us, because they can & we have to let go…Just let it go.
A lot of people, not just Soc’s can have this agenda. They aren’t you & they have different beliefs, moral codes & don’t connect/attach on an emotional level. We do this also, when it’s not something we connect or believe in.
We can all survive this but, being emotional beings makes it hard to disconnect so, I use the Soc’s mantra ‘It’s all about me’, to get me through.
Keep saying it over & over until you finally believe, it’s all about you, you are worthy of love.
Self love starts first then, the rest naturally follows 🙂
Thanks PR. I appreciate your worss. I think the reason I am so bewildered is that I sent him away with a flea in his ear time after time. He didn’t seem to be able to let go. Now I know it was just because he wanted to ‘break me’. I confided in him about so much, as a friend, and he was just using that to get to understand better ways to break me.
The wife texted yesterday and said she doesn’t want to meet as she thinks if they split, I’ll want him. I might be crying and missing him and wishing for it all not to be true but I’m not dumb enough to think I can change him.
Gaslighted – not sure you will have seen my reply to you as I think I messed up with my post. It’s somewhere below. You do deserve better and are in my thoughts.
Thank you lovely ladies. X
My last texts after breakup with sociopath……..”you will have a man and think of my hands all over you, my mouth hungrily at your delicious body, my smile in the darkness of your life……..I have taken your heart and soul, they are mine forever. I am content with that for now. You have nothing to give anyone else. I have stolen your sweet kisses, all of them now will be bitter” “no man will ever hold your heart again. I have stolen it and keep it hidden here. Go ahead and look for it.” “you will always be my baby, my everything, my soulmate, you are superwoman, beautiful and brilliant, you will see I am right in time.”
I can relate to most everything I have read on this site. The above is just the tip of the iceberg of his flowerly language…I am still in pain but getting better. No contact for 2 weeks now.
Hi Sweet, welcome to the site 🙂
Hi Sukey,
Read this, it will help 🙂
He doesn’t just want to break-you, he wants to possess you so, that you cannot move on from him!
Don’t let him, his ultimate win is to have you forever pining/wanting him.
You have a right & freedom of will, to release yourself from his hold & find a normal guy who will love you properly & not treat you with such disrespect.
Thanks PR – that’s a great article. Bad day today. The OW thinks if she leaves him, we’ll end up together which made me wonder what he had been saying about me and if it meant that he had indicated we would be together which made me gt carried away thinking about us being together….. Just had a lovely chat with my friend (man who I adore and just wish he felt the same way as this whole thing would be on its way to being behind me but he just sees me as a friend). It made me feel better for half an hour but sad again when it was over.
I think the worst thing is that it took me 5 years to get myself back together after my ex dumped me via text message (definitely an sp – even worse than the current one, when I think about it) and I don’t know if I have the strength to start re-building again. Everything is just a mess.
X
Hi Sukey,
The OW in my story made sure to get rid of her competition & hence here I am 🙂
I am glad he’s out of my life & she is welcome to his lies & deception, she knows what he is like & is an adult so, the choice is hers, GOOD LUCK!
I was in an abusive marriage with a Narc?? not sure but, definitely not a nice guy, gambling, drinking, hardly home, then left after 19 years of abuse for the receptionist in our business. The business, marriage & everything was lost & i have had to re-build my life from scratch 🙂
That was 10 years ago & I walked straight ‘slap bang’ inot my Soc & 10 years of mindless gaming etc….leads me here to you 🙂
I am not out of the woods but, I am still standing & hoping for happy 🙂
Keep strong & don’t give-up 🙂
There is no happiness with a Soc, liar or cheat so, find your own happiness.
Loneliness can be hard but, survivable once you learn to not fear it.
I also have a great guy (friend only) & I am aiming for someone like him hopefully he’s out there looking for me…& one for you also, not the same guy though (lol)…
Wow PR – that really is crappy. While I’d much prefer it if none of us needed to be here, at least we have one another. X
Hi Sukey 🙂
Others cannot understand which is lucky for them 🙂
Fortunately we have each other so, not as bad as it could be.
Stay Strong, the best revenge is to be your best self & rise above the Soc.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Sukey 🙂
We do have each other thankfully 🙂
A lot here have shown remarkable courage, resilience & survival skills to become the wonderful souls & people that they are 🙂
I cannot see the person but, I feel the souls that come through via the writings/exchanges etc…so, we are all on a journey of greater self awareness that our Narc/Soc’s have created so, we cannot waste more time on them than we already have, we are here to find, love, support, understanding, compassion etc…& we have in each other but, mostly we are finding ourselves again 🙂
It’s all going to be okay, hard but, okay 🙂
Love & Light & continued growth & happiness 🙂
PR xoxo
Thanks PR. Some of my friends are trying to understand but unless you have lived this nightmare you never can. X
Hi Lady’s
Today it feels like I’m making progress and I hope it is not just one of those days that makes it bearable before the next wave hits. Gosh I hope not!!!!
What got me here is that I’m just not thinking of him as human being anymore . I think of him as the DEVIL himself complete with horns , tail and feet like a horse , now picture that he has something in his mouth that he is choking on .
Feels good to me !
It’s a matter of fact much better than sitting here in my loneliness eating my heart out while he feels absolutely non of those things.
My mind goes back 22years when THE most devastating experience of my life took place.
The man I had lived with for 19years, he was without a doubt the love of my life , was gunned down in front of my eyes. He took 8 bullets and I stood right next to him no more then a foot away from him. His blood splashed on to my clothing as each bullet hit his torso. I remember feeling paralyzed as I watched in disbelieve. I saw everything in slow motion and lost all sense of time. The only thing running through mi mind was that nobody could be this crazy . At some point I was able to pull my feet of the floor because they felt like they had been glued down and I called the Police.
Since then I have batteled cancer ( Mastectomy) 2 heart attacks (4 stents) and the DEVIL himself .
I know I’m stronger than I think I am if my past is any indication .
As I’m tapping into that strength once more while I free myself of tho DEMON in his human suit I know I will emerge stronger yet.
To all you lady’s out there, tap into that reserve of your own strength we all have it . Do whatever it takes to get to the other side of this madness . There are no rules to fallow if we want to survive.
I refuse to hold on to the fantasy that I deluded myself with because that’s what it was and nothing more.
I was in love with myself and by myself because he projected ME back to ME.
Well , I like who I am and what I stand for and that is by itself more than he could ever say about himself.
BOY THAT FELT GOOD
Hugs from me to you all !!
You are a true survivor & as hard as it is, let go of the past, it’s your story but, better chapters are going to be written from now on.
Our past experience shapes us but, does not define us, we have all got shocking stories of abuse & betrayal.
We also have magnificent stories of love, success & survival & we need to balance out the bad with the good so, I wish you an abundance of good stories because you are worth a happy ending 🙂
Hey PR,
Thanks for commenting .
I find it so enormously comforting that we have this site & each other to come too .
It’s like a miracle . We are strangers , brought together by one thing that we have encountered WE ALL HAVE DANCED WITH THE DEVIL.
And here we are trying to help and console each other because of another thing we all have in commen and that’s our ability to feel . Our love compation and emotions , the very essence of our humanity and that is also what got us into trouble .
These Vampires came into our lives to suck us dry of everything that made us Human ( something they will never be) .
But they did not win and they never will . We are all still here !!!!
I do feel sorry for the next victim but I’m not jealous . It will just be business , nothing to do with love.
They are really pathetic creatures and I will not allow myself to feel sorry for them . They are empy inside , nothing more than a shell.
Hug U PR so long!
Gosh gaslighted – that is so odd. I just can’t understand why they keep coming back if they are being rejected. I’m just thinking it must have driven him crazy to think that he never managed to ‘get’ me. He nearly did when I fell pregnant by him but I lost it and realised I didn’t like him that much. He texted last night and told me he never wanted to see or hear from me ever again. I just keep crying. I’ve just been talking to my mum who has tried to remind me that I always rejected him because even on my worst day, I always thought he was too stupid and too ugly for me to be with him. He is.
I, like you, just don’t seem to be able to hold on to anything. I just believed that he loved me. I even offered to write him a profile on a dating website as he was doing my head in. Turns out that was about a week before he got married. I’ve always ended up with idiots who’ve never really respected me and believing that one guy did adore me helped sometimes and yes, there’s a huge void now. Not only does he not love me now, he never did. It was always a lie 😦
I’ve been reading bits about socs for years since my ex disappeared one day after 7 years together and just refused to communicate with me other than via intermediaries but I never, ever put the pieces together eith this guy. He was too drippy and pathetic for me to even think he was capable of this. And now I just miss him. I’m not even one day NC.
Trying to remember all the reasons I rejected him for all those years…. Did you reject yours? Can you hold on to those reasons? Problem is, I want to tell him he’s ugly, stuoid and clumsy in bed!
Yes, it unfortunately was mostly a game. Even if he didnt initially intend for it to be a game, it bothered the hell out of him to not attain something he wanted.
I rejected him for, I would say, the first 3-4 years of the 10 year go-around? I was either committed to someone else, or just overall unimpressed and uninterested. I didnt mind talking to him, but that was just it…I also didnt mind not talking to him. Come to think of it, that must have been when he turned up his “charm”.
He then met a need. created a void where i didnt have that sort of love and attention. And I can remember not really knowing why I liked him, just knowing I liked him. Which of course developed into something more intense as I got older.
I dont remember why I initially rejected him..that is how much my perception has shifted. Its hard to hold on to what I thought Day 1. Now, I just remember everything that has happened from Day 1 up until the last time.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was just getting lonelier and more beat up every time something didn’t work out with people I really liked and he was always there telling me how much he loved me and I started to rely on that. I liked believing I was someone’s ‘perfect’ woman. He’s got what he wanted now. I’m finally crying over him 😦
Take care x
Recently I have discovered a great many things. I was preparing to move to the other side of the country and going through a bunch of stuff I still kept at my parents house when I found a piece of paper from a doctor to my dad. Normally I’d put it aside but the word sociopathy stood out on the page to me and I started reading. His doctor was concerned that all of his tendencies made him sound like one and was requesting an MRI. Unfortunately that doctor passed away not too long after that and my father refuses to go to other doctors. I put it out of mind after that.
Last week I was looking for new books to read and I normally only read fantasy or sci fi but a friend said she thought I’d find a book called Confessions of a Sociopath really interesting. She was reading it too and wanted someone to discuss it with. So I started reading. And it was like someone had illuminated my entire life. Suddenly everything made sense.
My Story: (It’s a long one)
My father is an abusive, manipulative and cruel man who pits my mother and I against eachother and it appears to amuse him. I never understood his behaviours or many other things in life until finding this blog and others that explained sociopathic behaviours. The mask in front of strangers, the manipulation, the compulsive lying. I think because of growing up in this environment it may have somewhat desensitized me to it, though I can’t be sure.
But at 15 I met a boy who seemed just like me. Only he had some problems due to his mother dying when he was 11. He was Irish and foreign accent, smart, he seemed perfect. We were together until I was 19. I moved to Northern Ireland for university but mostly so I could be close to him at 17. I used all of my motivation and smarts to get me through highschool a year early so I could be with him and get away from my dad sooner. We ended up sharing a house together and with a bunch of friends… it was awesome… at first. But then he didn’t want to go out, to the point our friends would beg me to convince him. But then he’d get angry, as he had just wanted to stay in and play video games or do whatever research was making him happy that day. And he didn’t like it when I opposed him. He then started telling people how -I- was so controlling of him, making snide remarks about me to make me uncomfortable and them too when we were out. Basically making it so they’d stop inviting us out as we were a couple and I wasn’t allowed to go without him and he was making uncomfortable remarks about me when we were there.
Eventually my friends intervened and told me to get out. There were a lot of events that led up to this with abuse, neglect, cheating, etc. And I did. I went back to Canada where I was from and left him. He threatened suicide, I called the cops to his house. He told them I was a crazy ex girlfriend. He called me ridiculous amounts of itmes a day, did the smear campaign, and then said he had bought a ring and had been ready to propose how could I do this to him. Eventually, he was gone. But he had seeded doubt in my best friends minds and made them unsure.
Eventually I rebuilt, but then I met a guy online while playing World of Warcraft. He seemed perfect. Everything I ever wanted and weirdly my friends even liked him. Despite how we met. Long story short, he bled me dry of money, lied to me, and later I found out his father was a convicted child rapist (wow right?), cheated on me. And when I finally had no more money left to give the emotional abuse started. I bought him a computer because he said his broke and all he did was complain it wasn’t good enough. He told me he worked every day but didn’t get paid… there were always him not getting paid. Then my friends even people I raided with in World of Warcraft got concerned and said you shouldn’t let him control you like that. He forced me to cut contact (as they were “ruining our relationship” and “making me doubt him”) and we transferred servers. Where a girl found me, asking after him. I said he wasn’t online but I could deliver a message if it was urgent. She got testy and said his girlfriend was looking for him. And I responded with how could that be, I was his girlfriend. And then I got a realization, apparently all the times he was “working’ he was with her. I confronted him about it and he told me she was a crazy stalker and to change my characters names so she couldn’t find me again. I didn’t, he raged. I then ended things. But it was too late, my friendship that had been damaged by the first soc, well, she got sucked in by this guys lies. And she actually ended our friendship becauseo fhim and dated him for two years after that.
My life was in ruins, I was in a mess emotionally and financially and all the stress made me bad at my job. I eventually lost the job, but not before a friend at work introduced me to a guy he was friends with who “knew a lot about the industry I wanted to get into”. That guy and I hit it off, but he had a girlfriend. However he spent all of his time telling me how bad she treated him, how she cheated on him,p layed the victim card a lot. And he saw how my ex harassed me, abused me even though we were broken up and played the white knight. He would never treat me that way he said. He wished we were dating and he wasn’t with his horrible girlfriend. We started seeing eachother and he told me he broke up with her… yet she called all the time. She stopped by his house… She did all these things that made her seem crazy. I mean they broke up, right? Well, the friend who introduced us realized he and I had started dating and came and warned me said no, he’s good for info do not date him. He cheats, he lies, don’t do it you’ll get hurt. I thought he was jealous. It just meant he liked me and didn’t want me with his friend. I was convinced by the guy to cut off contact with said friend.
This guy knew my financial situation and got me to move in with him. Said he’d make everything better. But as soon as I had recovered my finances and found a good job, he took all of my money. As soon as I started rebuilding friendships, he confided in them all behind my back that he thought I had problems. I had a dog, they did too. And he’d tell me to tell them we weren’t going for the group walk that night as he didn’t feel well. I’d text them we weren’t coming. And then he’d decide he wanted to go by himself, would meet up with them and tell them how I had tried to convince him not to go. How I was a liar, how I was untrustworthy. It made them uncomfortable. He’d get all sad and tell them how I never did anything (while I’d be at home cooking him dinner). How I was a horrible, uncaring girlfriend. And they felt sympathy for him. And as he had tricked me to not being there, they thought since I wasn’t there it must be true. Eventually one of them asked me about it and I was stunned. He lied, constantly. The girl he had said he broke up with showed up one day, stormed into our place and to our bed as I was sleeping and called me a whore. Once I fell asleep with my head in his lap and he was on his computer I woke up, could see the screen and he was talking to her about how I was horrible and he still loved her. In a daze I walked upstairs, shaking and started packing my things. He saw me, and asked what I was doing. When I confronted him he told me she was crazy and it was his way of keeping her away. I stupidly believed him. I wanted so desperately for it to be true. My grandfather had a heart attack and my great aunt died in the same week. I needed his support. He refused to come to the hospital with me, saying he had too much work. And I later found out it was to sleep with that girl. He didn’t come to the funeral of my aunt and when I got angry about his lack of supporting me, he kicked me out. And when I came by to get some of my things, I saw the ex again leaving his house. When confronted with it, he said she had only just stopped by. When I asked him why he kissed her he claimed he hadn’t. I had seen it with my own eyes.
Eventually I felt so isolated, so cut off. I started trying to make girl friends. And one, she was amazing and in a similar relationship. We bonded very close very quick. He never let me have contact with any of his friends, but insisted on adding all of mine to his facebook and messengers. He added her and proceeded to confide in her that he thought I was too “high strung” and needed to calm down. And many other things. She told me, and when I asked him why he had been talking behind my back he said he hadn’t. She had copied me the chat logs, whcih I pasted to him and he said oh it was a misunderstanding… oh… that… I guess I did say that. It was his pattern. Lie until proof is shown he was lying then back peddle.
I was so depressed, so hurt, he stopped sleeping with me then, using it as a bartering chip. I found him hunting girls on craigslist for affairs while at work. I am sure there were so many I didn’t find. I look back and wonder why I stayed. But I think because all of my money was tied up in the situation and going home to my parents was just as bad. I was stuck and hurting and all my friends alienated because of him.
He refused to sleep with me for two years, we were together for four in total. I eventually met another guy online who emotionally I guess I cheated but never physically. He told me he hated what was going on and was my rock. I left my ex and tried to get out of everything. He proceeded to do the smear campaign and even caused me to lose my job. But he also exposed the guy I was using as a rock as a sociopath as well. I was a trophy to him, a girl whose pants he had to get in to. They proceeded to argue over me, yet never seemed to dislike eachother. It was as if they were discussing a horse, a possession they each wanted not love. (the sociopath rock has since gone on to hook, manipulate and destroy 24 women that I am aware of, he admitted to me he’s a sociopath and it’s a fun game to him) Using info I told him passingly to tell my boss I broke an NDA. I had confided in my boss about the entire thing so he made sure, that even though he couldn’t protect me, that he got me a years severance. I had the money to figure my life out. And I tried to get away from the crazy sociopath. He sucked me back in.
And he tried to get me to cut off everyone this time, siting them as bad influences and why we didn’t work out the first time. I refused, saying he couldn’t control me and took me as I was or not at all. I went into our house and started reading something online when I heard a weird noise outside. I went outside and he had CALLED THE COPS telling them I was suicidal. And in Canada, they are required to take you to a hospital and have evaluation. He threw my stuff out, trying to force me back to my parents (so I’d have to crawl back to him and give him control he wanted) and tried to steal my dogs from me. The cops quickly realized it was a lie, but law said they had to take me. So they sat with me at the hospital until the lady could see me. I was trying so hard to keep it together, knowing if I freaked out at my life imploding I’d be commited and I needed to get to the pets. 11 hours later, I was let go and the police went with me to get my dogs from him.
He had expected me to come crawling back but this time he went too far. My family and friends stepped in and said never again. One friend took me and my pets in. And I ruined his plans. This has made him go crazy. It is two years later, I have my own business and moved countries (didn’t feel safe around him even in the same country). He stalks me. He smears me still. It’s like he’s some crazy stalker I can’t shake. I am in a happy relationship and just got engaged to the guy, he knows everything and is… compassionate and loving. Nothing like my exes. I don’t know how to shake the soc, I don’t know why I still even miss him… he had this crazy hold over me. They all did at one point. I
But it’s two years later. I am happily with an amazing and non sociopathic man, but he still stalks me. I am scared this will never end and confused at why I keep allowing sociopaths into my life, how I get hooked by them. And I know I’m not with one now, but scared that somehow my sociopath ex will ruin the amazing, loving, and balanced relationship I now have. I just want it to stop. I don’t engage, I moved countries, I have done everything. But I am a well known artist in the video game industry, I have an online presence as I have to find work. And he uses it to continuously stalk me. I am scared he’ll never stop. I don’t know what to do.
Gosh what a nightmare ride you’ve been on 😦
But, Hello….here you are 🙂 a Survivor & welcome 🙂
You must stay focused on YOU, not him or them…he will get sick of it eventually & there is nothing you can do.
Why don’t you create a online game for Survivors to beat the Soc’s with all the mind boggling games they play, you have a plethora of ideas to work with 🙂
I want my own Avatar (LOL) Pheonix Rising has a good sound, what do you think? 🙂
Turn it to your advantage, that will show him…be happy & remember you are never alone, they are bizarro but, we are all here for you, stay strong 🙂
I just saw a beautiful movie “The perks of being a wallflower”, on the movie one of the protagonist question his teacher why nice people are with bad partners, the answer was so simple and truthful, we accept the love that we think we deserve…
I don’t know why accepted two times this “bad love” all I know is I deserve to be loved and respected without fear….you deserve it too, so please, stop the insanity, stop suffering for someone who doesn’t know the meaning of love and empathy and broke yourself free, no more contact to him, and the other women. Yo have the strenght to do it..
PR,
Thank you! I really found what I thought was lost, a hero on myself.
To all of you don’t give up
Here is my story. I am not really POSITIVE my guy is a sociopath. Definitely has tendencies…Looking for opinions.
Starts exactly 2 years ago:
-Met on facebook in 2011. He had an addiction to Benzos (valium, xanex, etc). Also had a girlfriend (Which i didnt know about for like 2 weeks into our talking) and from the getgo our messages were flirtatious and sexual
-We met through a common interest group and he was also familiar with me bc he had seen me at a concert before about a month prior. Described the outfit to me that I was wearing that day to a T.
-Talks to me on the phone, despite having a long distance GF for 12+ hours a day. Continually flirts with me and we are sexual. Calls me things like “baby doll” and although he makes no real promises, i continually get a “maybe someday we will meet/be together” here and there.
-we start a online website together to make and sell things associated with our common interest. (Nov 2011)
-There is another girl he started talking to right before me in our same common interest network. Let’s call her “B” He passes comments about her being annoying and overbearing. Reads me texts about her looking for his attention and approval. Seems really irritated by her. When she realizes we are working together and also that he is showing interest in me, she gets invasive. Tells him things about me without knowing me. Says I want to break him and his GF up and that is why I want to work with him. Also that I am obsessed and in love with him (pot calling kettle black….but i wont get into it). Lots of other judgments.
-He tells me of what she has to say, in some instances even calls me pissed off saying he had to put her in her place. Obviously, I am not very threatened by this girl since I seem to be “winning” at her game, and she obviously has issues if this is how she acts. I block her on facebook because I am finding her invasive (it is the only way she knows ANYTHING about me). She gets upset, contacts me (through him) and asks to be unblocked, lets be friends. I comply.
-I realize he is EXTREMELY promiscuous. He is open about it with me, even thought we flirt sexually and emotionally everyday. I blame it on addiction. Also talks about how him and his (12 year younger than he long distance) GF have an “open relationship” but then other times makes it like she owns him and he wouldn’t dare cheat on her. When he did cheat on her with his friends mom it was “okay because she would think it was cool he slept with his friends mom, she is cool like that”. But he “couldn’t cheat” with me. I think maybe he would sometimes hook up with another friend/ex of his, but as long as there was no sex it wasnt cheating (more on this later). Pretty sure he had sex with her too. Maybe even others. Hard to remember or know what to believe.
-We start making plans to meet up (December 2011). Up until the day he was supposed to leave I got a run around. Yes, I am coming, cant wait. No I cant I have a GF. No I cant I hate driving that long. Yes of course I am coming, cant wait to be with you. Doesn’t come. Tells me at one point he told “B” there was no way he could come see her because he already broke a promise to come see me and what wouldn’t be right (I give you this detail for future reference) to get her off his back. No idea if this was true or not, I think he was just trying to build rivalry on my end at this point (later succeeds).
-All day on the phone continues for about 2 months. “Business” talks with mostly flirting and getting to know each other. Still glimpses of “maybe someday” for both sex and relationship. Decides to quit drugs because his GF wants him to. He is successful doing it on his own. One day the flirting stops. i ask what is up. He tells me he needs to start being more loyal to his girlfriend so they can restart their life together. Talks of having a child with her when she finises school, how she had to have an abortion, how she is going to support him so he can be a stay at home dad. They seem to fight all the time and she obviously cannot give him the attention he needs if he is spending all hours of the day on the phone with me. He would end our calls to take hers and call me right back.
– (January 2012-February) We start fighting a lot, I am sad he is taking the attention away from me and feel mislead all the prior months “promises”. We still talk and flirt sometimes but way less phone, way more text and way less flirting. He starts agreeing with the things “B” would say about my character. Things he just weeks ago was calling me pissed and telling me he went off on her for saying and just being really mean. Our business starts suffering bc we cant get along. He doesnt want me doing things this and that way when he was so passive about everything as an addict. Starts to become somewhat controlling and very mean. The business somehow lasts another 6 months after this, but we are both constantly threatening to quit. Things are on the rocks with him and his GF. He goes to the west coast to check out a potential new spot to live. We barely talk while he is gone but when he gets home he calls me and nonchalantly tells me that he stopped at his GFs on the way out west and they are now broken up.
– I wait for him to talk about us maybe finally meeting now. He doesnt say a word. I say “Hey…so are we going to meet”? I get lots of I Dont Knows. At this point I want to meet him for business purposes more than pleasure. He tells me about how “B” is bothering him to come meet her too. I didnt even know they were really talking more than her usually “harassing” and “annoying” him. Our flirting starts up heavy again with no sign of meeting. He tells me he only meets people at concerts (our common interest- traveling with a band seeing their concerts) bc it is too much of an inconvenience to meet people in other states otherwise. The concerts aren’t for around 6 more months.
-It starts to unfold that he and B have been talking regularly and that he has interest in her. It all makes sense since he had started agreeing with the things she was saying about me. He talks about how he will be going to these concerts I speak of with her with her and how she can understand them not meeting until then, why cant I? Also at a later date tells me he doesnt want to go to the concerts with her, but he wishes he could figure out a way to get the tickets she had for him from her. Her and I have our own slew of problems by this time and are not on good terms because of the way she has acted towards and about me. She is a whole another crazy story…
-I am pretty heartbroken he is talking to and considering her after all the negative he would speak about her and of course because she has shown me no good. I express this appointment to him and his attitude is “who cares if I once said those things about her”.
-From there he would continue to sometimes talk negatively on B, or sometimes use her to put me down in various ways. Either pass comments about her being better than me or tell me he agreed with something she said about me. I asked that he please dont talk to her about me. He tells me she doesn’t care to talk about me, which, well. Okay. She certainly did when she was intimidated by our relations (and still continued to, I know it). It was starting to drive me crazy. I had had enough of him being controlling and mean, making me jealous, putting me down, using her to put me down.
-We are still flirting sexually. That exists pretty much through our whole relationship (yes, we end up meeting and hooking up). We start to realize we have similar abnormal fetishes and really connect on this. Our “sexual” relationship is intense. I am not sure, however, if I am maybe getting the same pictures and texts as other girls are. I am especially weary and uncool if he is talking to me and B within the same context at the same time, as he is now playing us against each other…”A said this about you”….”B said this about you”….A responded to what you said about her this way”.
-(March 2012) I get fed up and end the business. I block him from my phone, Facebook and shut everything down. Send him an email saying its over. He writes me through our paypal account something like “You should have never done this. you will be sorry”. This is after months of various forms of emotional and verbal abuse. I am scared. He can be REALLY scary when he is angry. I also feel bad for ending a business relationship to harshly. At this point, I am addicted to him. I want him out of my life but I cannot let him go. This incident was the start of truly felling that way. I also accidentally (seriously, I had NO intention of hitting send but my laptop did for me when i moved it) sent “B” a message on facebook telling her things like “its over, hes yours. Good luck, He is crazy. I want peace with you, i am sorry for my contributions to this game.” I also said in response to her telling him she was “going to tell me how good his dick tastes” (and him in turn telling me she said so) that “i would really rather not know what his most likely STD infested dick tastes like, so please, spare me the details.” I guess I should also mention, this girl has NO ideas about his promiscuity or his odd sexual fetishes. She thinks he can do know wrong and i later find out she thinks i “said awful things to him about her”. Honey, its called the truth!
-I call him the next day because I feel awful and this sick helpless attachment. we make up, he takes me back into his life with open arms and it seems a million pounds of stress has been lifted off him by my phone call and will to work things out. the business, which is now kind of failing but was successful in the beginning continues. It is starting to become a tool we use to control and threaten each other more and more and we arent making money they way we were in the beginning. He doesn’t seem to care one bit about the message that I accidentally sent B. Most guys would never talk to a girl who sent a girl he is interested in a message like that again, yes? Well not this one. One of the first signs that made me think there is something wrong.
-(April 2012) We get into a HUGE fight that involves other people. I react to him betraying me with a vengeance that I know will piss him off, hopefully to the point where he wants nothing to do with my anymore, if he finds out. He does. Hell breaks lose. Every threat in the world is thrown at me besides death. The business is over. I am really sad and remorseful, despite my desire to let go of all this. But I also think that I think for sure, I am finally free of this mess I got myself into. There is NO way he will want to know me after this. He also wont take responsibility for his back stabbing action that caused me vengeance towards him, only what I did in reaction was wrong. The next day he calls me, gets annoyed when I am cold and dont want to talk, I cave, we talk it out and also we have phone sex. Who wants to have phone sex with a girl who he found out stabbed him in the back hard just a day or two earlier? He uses the “i am so attracted to you” card to gain me back here, because I was done.
-He moves all the way to the west coast without meeting me nor B, 6 hours each away, before going. I am at the point where I am telling him for weeks prior if he doesnt meet me as he drives through my city, I am done with the business. Promises he will stop. We arent sure if we will hook up because his friend he also hooks up with will be traveling with him and he proposes it might be weird. I tell him i dont care about that, I need to meet for business purposes. We arent getting along and maybe meeting will help us gain respect. He starts to tell me days before, when I ask that he is taking a route through Colorado to see his ex (who he is supposedly, to this day, still in love with. I am starting to wonder if she even exists or if she is a tool he uses but I am PRETTY sure she does). I know he is lying because the girl he was traveling with and his ex have problems. It is confirmed when I see pictures the friend posts on Facebook of the Thruway to my city. I let it slide. Still continue to run the business and flirt. Business is bringing in no money to either of us at this point, despite my efforts. Pretty sure at this point he knew he wasnt going to concerts on the east coast with B. He might have still been letting her think and make plans for them though.
-Although we ran a business together, many of our products were kept separate. Besides for a few instances where he was a little sheisty and shady, He never pulled any weird financial stuff regarding the business. I handled most of that stuff though. One day all of a sudden he starts accusing me of owing him money for his product that I had. He had product of mine too and our agreement was that we would pay each other for product as it was sold. He had much more product than me, and I had much more of his product than he mine, as I had more opportunity to sell outside of the website. We were business partners. Why would I be buying his stock? He starts to get really irate from me and is acting weird sexually and being really cold towards me. It made me uncomfortable and sad because I am addicted and I cave and pay him.
-Right around this time he also makes a point to call me (phone calls were weird at this stage) to announce to me that B pushed some major boundaries by acting like they are a couple online when they aren’t (hadnt even met yet). Tells me she is cut and blocked and that he has no desire to talk to her anymore. Things get REALLY good between he and I as at this point she was a huge barrier in our relationship (“friendship”).
-One day a few weeks later he reveals to me nonchalantly that they are talking again. “I got a awesome package from B today!” I get upset and jealous. He tells me they are going to the concert in San Fran together. He had also made mention of me and him going together at this point and also that he might take his ex that he is in love with (even thought she isnt a huge fan of the band and isnt into traveling and he hadnt seen her in 6 months). So now I am upset he is meeting us both at the same time, at the same concert, but he is going with her after stringing us both along for almost a year. When I said “but i thought you couldnt stand her anymore because of reason 1, 2, 3 & 4 the response was the same as it always is for everything: “Who cares if I once said and felt those things.” I told him i really doubt we can remain friends if he ends up seriously involved with this girl.
-(August 2012) I go to San Fran. The weeks leading up to it are rough for me individually and for us both as “friends”. Of course we are still sexually flirting on the regular, intensely, up until the event. We meet during the concert, a brief meeting. All of our interactions during those 3 days were brief and awkward. B wont even look at me never say hello and he is with her the whole time. I had lost my phone on the first night but when i got to my hotel sent an email saying It was good to meet him and he is adorable and some of our flirting stuff. He doesnt respond to the email, but he told her everything I wrote besides for the sex stuff.
-We get home, he texts me asking if I will still be his friend if he is with B. I assumed from the few times I saw them together in San Fran that this might be the case. So i was somewhat prepared and also feeling kind of ambivalent about the whole thing. Him being there with her just kind of turned me off. I do want what I have been anxiously lusting over for almost a year though. I tell him I would probably be an acquaintance and what was going to happen with our sex stuff? You build up sex for a year then never act on it? He starts telling me how badly he still wants me and we start flirting hard. We are going to see each other again in a week for more concerts. We start trying to plan to meet up before. He says it has to be before because he plans to commit to her at these shows. All of out attempts fail, including my attempt to buy him a flight to come to a completely different show so we can hook up and spend actual real time together before he “commits” to this girl I cannot stand.
-YES. I KNOW I AM AN IDIOT AND THIS SHOULD HAVE ENDED LONG AGO. But sociopaths play on our weaknesses and making us even weaker than we already are, yes? And I REALLY wanted/needed the amazing sex we built up anticipation for for so long.
-I see him after the first night of the next concert we are both at in the parking lot and we have a weird interaction followed by texts about how badly we lust each other. The next day I see him before the show in the parking lot and he tells me how much he is turned on by me and how much he wants me. I ask him how things are with he and B. He says “alright. she is way too into me.” We sneak off to hook up a little for what will be the first time ever. He tells me he and B could have a great future together (I know she always wanted to “take care of him” and I think was proposing some miraculous awesome future that she was selling him on) but he isnt really sexually attracted to her, he “is attracted to other things” and that she is too sensitive for him. He seemed really uninterested and unhappy to be with her and really into me. We hooked up a little and text sexually AND romantically until morning after the concert. While she in bed sleeping, he was sending me texts and pictures from the next room. We had now made plans to spend a extra night after the concerts together, after him telling me we could only hook up if it was before. He talks about how he cant wait to see me in the parking lot again the next day and how sorry he is for everything and how he realized no one will ever share what he and I do and how he wants our sexual relationship for life. But he will be with B…..for now (keep in mind they had only met in person a week prior). The next day he is kind of ignoring me. Not completely but I thought we were going to experience a lust full day of sneaking off like the day before. That is what he was proposing in our texts the night before. I am annoyed and sad and confused. That night we end up at the same party afterwards. I start to feel awkward because of B and not being really sure where he and I stand. I leave. As I leave he texts me “I am so attracted to you. I loooove being around you. Move to my city”. I tell him I am leaving and he asks if I can stick around until B passes out. I do. We sneak off, hook up. He wouldnt do anything sexual to me out of “respect” but told me he couldnt wait to have sex with me tomorrow (the extra night we are spending together). I meet him at the hotel and within seconds he announces “I cant kiss you, have sex with you or do anything to you”. i am PISSED. He says “cmon I just had sex with B”. We hook up and I force him to do sexual things with me but he still gets away with no sex somehow. Cries to me about how he loves his ex and also about how he has anxiety about just cheating on B with me and how things changed, they had an emotional parting at the airport and all this nonsense. Yes, he did literally cry. Which makes me question his being a sociopath. But I also think people can fake crying and It wasnt an intense cry so maybe it was fake. I had also heard him cry heavy on the phone once or twice, always under the influence of drugs though. We part ways at the airport in the morning, I am devastated. We get home and continue to flirt as he gushes about his new relationship with B. I remind him of all the things he told me about her just days earlier. He says he never thought or felt those things about her and blamed alchohol/drugs for saying that. When I would say things like you left her bedside for me he would respond with things like “Who cares if I let my sexual desires take control at that point”. I tell him I cant talk to him anymore. Block him from my life. Somehow he enters again a few weeks later…
Flirting/fighting about him being with B if he isnt in love with her or committed to her and more mayham continues through the holidays. Sometimes he is with B, sometimes he isnt. The story always changes. She lives on east coast, he on west. He tells me one day he told her he is still in love with his ex (that he didnt want to be with her exclusively, in his eyes) and she was very cool with it.
-(December 2012/January2013) B is visiting him for new years for over a week. He had just gotten back from visiting his family, only 6 hours from her, for the holidays. Six hours from your “girlfriend” who lives on the other side of the country and you dont see her? Even though she is meeting you back west? hmmmm. We agree our best bet is to just not talk when she is there. i tell him I actually have decided that I dont want to be in his life if she is the path he is choosing. We stop talking for what in my head is good. It seems he is going to take up a “future” with this girl while flirting sexually with me intensely everyday and I want nothing to do with it. I get a email from him a few days before she leaves saying something to the effect of “Dont worry, I everything is cool. Hope you are well.” i ask what he means by this and like a full day later I get a response “shes not for me as a GF. I am not with her anymore and not going to be”. We start talking again, they remain “friends’ (in her eyes still dating). I have a trip planned to his city, I have wanted to go to a school there for a long time and was going to check out the city and school (of course, even though he is reluctant to this day to admit it, he thinks it is because of him that i want this school and city. When in reality, he is the one “con” of me potentially moving there). I tell him, he is very excited. But starts to say things like….you cant tell anyone you are coming. This becomes a big deal to us both because he is really trying to enforce that I keep it a secret and I am not going there for him so to me it is unfair that I am being asked to keep it a secret. And….he is supposedly single! What does it matter. AND….we are supposedly friends…what does it matter if i end up in his city for a weekend. Huge stress, but like an idiot I comply half assed. He come to my hotel two nights while I am there, we have actual sex finally and get along pretty well despite a few conflicts (people will think im moving there for him, why I had to keep a secret I was coming, Is he still with B? etc. I am sure by now you can imagine.) The second night he comes there “upset” about his ex and not feeling sexual (didnt last) and it is a battle to get him to hook up for a while. “Cant we just hang out as friends?” but will not be seen in public with me or allow me to come to his house (where he has two roommate who now know B). Makes up 3 different excuses why I cant come there and avoids my calls and texts all day that Sunday after telling me he would hang out with me for a few hours while I had no where to go. He drives me to the airport the next day, as what I assume was his attempt to make up for all the lies and avoidance from the day before.
-(through June 2013) Get home from that trip, upset we fight about the whole thing over and over…how I am a secret friend. Is he still with B? All the lies to avoid me on Sunday (which he is still denying but months later admits), months go on of the same stuff, flirting, fighting, issues with B, uncertainty of truths, etc. He is going to the upcoming concerts in the summer with B and I am upset because she restricts the time we can spend together (and pulls him away whenever we even try to talk) and because I dont want to feel like I am sneaking around and the other woman to her. I had enough of that. We make plans to meet in his city after the run of shows. I suggest before and he answers “arrggh B is going to be here”. So we plan after.Things are REALLY good for us for a couple of months leading up to the show. No fighting, sex stuff just as hot, if not hotter than ever. He is talking to a million other people, but at this point I accept that about him and know if the slight chance we ever ended up together, we would need an open relationship to be healthy. He makes that apology about treating me like a secret to protecting B and at this point has also stood up to her about our friendship and admitted to her we are still really close (although never told her the real truth…which has now also begun to take a toll on me. This girl thinks I am nothing to him and that she is so much better than me….but again, her insanity and the issues that exist between her and I is a whole another novel).
-I get to his city before the concerts. We meet up because I need to grab something from him. We are in my friends room at her apartment and we hook up. He tells me he cant do anything to me or have sex because B is back at his place. I am confused.He told me weeks earlier that he told her he could go through with having sex with her if she could accept they were friends. I assume from that statement, they probably wont be having sex bc a) he has told me tons of times in different ways he isnt attracted to her and b) this girl will most likely NEVER accept they are just friends. At the same time how can I blame her for thinking differently? She is about to embark on 2 weeks of traveling with him one on one, sharing beds, etc. I ask him if he was hooking up with her. He says “yeah i was but then my dog died 2 days ago and I haven’t been in the mood” ….as he just had an orgasm minutes prior with me. Also in our discussion mentions how B “thinks their bond is so even stronger now (in the tone/sense that he doesnt) and that she was there when his dog died and dealt witht that with him. Thats the other thing….he had a dog…and supposedly loved animals. Even went to school to be a vet tech for a short time (but also confessed to me it was to get good pet drugs….it was during his SERIOUS benzo addiction). Does that eliminate him from this classification? Oh, I guess I should add that at this point he has be convinced or she thinks that the only reason they arent together is because he is in love with his ex, that he hasnt seen now in a year and a half (does she exist? I mean, she once had a facebook account…ha.)…so obviously B feels non threatened by all that. I ask him if he is like “dating” her for the concerts and he said yes, kind of after acting like it was friends all along. He also tells me that she is cool and knows their boundaries and that he is going to tell her I am coming and staying with him after the 2 weeks of concerts are over. This made me so happy. He also made talk about us maybe ending up together some day when I told him i love him and would be with him. All bullshit.
-The 2 weeks of concerts happen with some conflict between he and I and also B who now wont say hello to me (we had been making efforts to be friendlier to each other). I complain about B giving me the cold shoulder and he starts accusing me of giving her the cold shoulder. I also complain about her tearing us apart and he says things like “well we came here together”. I ask him a bunch of times during the two weeks if I should still come back to his city after and one morning close to the end of the two weeks we met up for a “his pleasure only bc he cant disrespect B!” hook up session. He definitely believed that as long as he didnt do anything to pleasure me it wasnt “cheating on” or in this current case “being under handed towards he (and I am sure many other “girlfriends” of his past) while he was spending time with her. He reiterates during this meetup that I am indeed coming to his city after. I tell him yes. At this point I had decided to fly to his city after instead of drive with my friends because I just really didnt want to wait anymore to be with him. I asked him at some point when he gets in and he told me around 5:30. I book a flight that gets in around that time and the day of our flights he tells me his flight is at 8. Basically, I have 4 hours to kill now. Before his flight even takes off he tells me I might need to stay elsewhere (i have other friends there) on Wednesday because D (another girl he was having sexual relations with) might be in town. I am already devastated from these two situations. We finally meet up, I of course am pissed off and just sad and take a cab to his place. He tells me I need to pay for the cab because he has no money. I ask if we can take a train. He says he thinks he has some money on a card. I end up paying, of course. He says he will pay me back, but doesnt, But he bought us food delivery, so i let it slide. We get to his house and he tells me B almost changed her flight to come back here. I said, “Yeah i figured she would, What did you tell her (dont forget the promise that he was going to tell her about me coming there) and he said I didnt tell her anything she decided not to. I said….so you would have let her come. he said yes!!! I told him that is messed up we have had these plans for weeks to which he responded “whatever, im not going to tell my friend i just spend to weeks with and that was there for me through my dogs death that they cant come here if they want to. The phone calls from her start…she is crying they are apart….he leaves the house to talk to her some and I hear him saying ” I am not talking about this now” over and over aain in my presence. I found out she thought this whole time he was sexually monogamous to her (yet another reason she assumed they were together), but did find out about the girl he was telling me that I had to leave for and was texting him things like “have fun having sex with D”. I keep asking him if he is with her and whats her deal and of course get all kinds of crazy answers including “I would be with her if she would let me be with other woman” (I offered him that) and that there is just something off about their sex. That night we have sex and hang out and have sex and hang out. He starts saying after sex we shouldnt do this, there is emotional attachment. Then it would be sex again. What happened to us maybe being together someday? And it is a problem that I have “emotional attachment” (which, i kind of didnt…not romantic emotional attachment anyway) but it is okay to have sex with B who has them married in her head even though he supposedly tells her they arent together. He had just started talking to this new girl, also in our common interest group and now between sex is texting with her and pretty much ignoring me. In addition to my emotional attachment, he is saying he doesnt want to have sex with me because he wants to change and settle down and be monogamous with one girl. Either the ex or this new girl (more Facebook bait that he hasnt met yet.) and getting mad at me for doubting his wanting to change. I ended up leaving his house after 36 hours and also left for a good 8 one day just to not have to be around him. We had sex around ten times in those 36 hours and pretty much every single time after he told me we shouldn’t do this anymore. He also wouldnt let me sleep in his bed! And one of his excuses was “I have been sharing a bed (with B) for two weeks. I just want to sleep alone.” When I told him that (among many other things) was disrespectful he says it is not. Find me a girl okay with sleeping in the other room and I will find you a desperate self esteemless SUCKER. I guess I should also add, probably should have added it long ago…I have invalidation issues and he is aware.
-I came home and nothing has been the same between he and I since. We tried to work it out once or twice (at his request) but at this point it cant be worked out. I see him a few weeks later, at more concerts, again with B. Seeing him devastates me rather unexpectedly. We are in the city where his ex lives and he has been talking for months about seeing her this weekend, yet he is there with B. He comes up to me and starts talking about how his hotel view is where we snuck off to hook up the year prior. B is feet away. Silly me should have kept that conversation going as she approached to tear us apart (hes all yours B!) He also tells me at another point is is trying to see her ex but she is being crazy. I keep approaching him asking how his “changes” are going knowing full well he is having sex with B, I can tell in their body language. We get back and I make it clear, so I thought that I didnt want to talk anymore. I know he had sex with B and I hate the way he treated me in his city. He has told me a few times that he had no idea I was coming to his city just for him and he also didnt know I would be staying with him the whole time. We had it planned for weeks. I was trying to stay civil, no blocking on Facebook or phone. I guess I should mention a few times I had asked him not to talk to me in the past without blocking, he wouldnt comply, including the time between when I left his city and the concerts he was at in his ex’s city with B. Always found an excuse to make contact, but it would “make him cry” when I blocked him. So, I tried to be civil and leave him unblocked. Was feeling really free of everything recently and put up a status on facebook about how good it feels to be free and no one should ever let anyone cause them mental anguish for years or months or days. I get a text from him a minute later “glad you are good”. I dont respond. I get another text the next day. I tell him i dont want to talk. Somehow, of course, we end up talking, His response to something i said was that is unfair that you dont would say that but wont even give me an example so I can explain, Everything has an explanation. Of course it does; you are probably a sociopath. We somehow end up talking on the phone where he tells me B has finally come to terms with the fact that they arent together. He tells me I have no idea how manipulative and controlling she was and he feels so much relief and freedom now that she is leaving alone. I asked if he saw his ex in her city when we were there and he said no. When I asked why not he said B was controlling and manipulating him and sayong he wouldnt be welcome at their hotel and to the concerts with her if not. He lived in that city for maybe ten years and has a ton of friends that live there in addition to the friends that were there for the concerts. I asked if she knows about the new girl (who she already didnt like for whatever B reason) he says of course, the ex and her was how she finally realized they wouldnt be together. He told me when she found out about the new girl that she unblocked her from Facebook, as she had had her blocked, to spy on them. B also spied on us early on and even once I had her blocked as recently as this past winter. Last time she did, he came down on me for “posting on his stuff” and not on her for somehow spying. More invalidation. So it is a problem when she spies on them but not us….He also said he has been committed to his ex and this new girl and will be with one of them and is still focused on changing. I said so you dont talk to this girl and that girl and this girl and that guy (yes he is into guys) and this girl…named off around 7 people that I know he has been sexual with either in real live or over the phone for at least 6 months or more. He said no. But also mentioned he had GREAT sex with B (the girl he supposedly didnt like having sex with and who is more emotionally attached to him than ANYONE) in his ex’s city at the concerts. He also mentioned having sex with the girl that he asked me to leave his house for sometime between then and now. But he is being celibate for these two girls. There was another time I had asked him if he was still celibate sarcastically in a text and he said No because you wouldnt let me be, you guilted me into having sex with you (it was why I went back to his city) and practically raped me (not true, besides for the fact that he likes dominant women). More invalidation. He also speaks of “something” that kept him with B and he wont say what. Says his personal life is none of my business when I know some (supposed) really dark deep secrets and facts about him. I am starting to think she was supporting him financially. I have thought this in the past and ne of the things he said when she said she was controlling and manipulative was “she booked all the flighta and planned everything…she played on my passiveness” when I told him he lead her on by traveling alone with her so much if he wasnt interested in being with her. I was acting crazy for few days because I was so disrupted by his contact I was truly finding peace and him realizing that by my Facebook status is what made him contact me kind of relentlessly. Sociopathic. I am feeling at peace again but I have found peace in remembering what I thought long ago- That he is a sociopath.
I want to make a list of why I am conflicted on whether he is or not, because I am really not sure.
IS A SOCIOPATH:
-Preys on insecurities
-Preys on girls on unmet/unknown girls on the internet, often
-lies, excuses and appeasements, changing stories, denial of saying things that were clearly said or (supposedly) not absorbing important information that was discussed at legnth
-extremely charming, has a fan club of girls that he talks to on regular, they are all ex’s or former flings
-“Artificially Intelligent” Although he is smart, very smart, sometimes he uses words or phrases which make it exagerated.
-bizarre sexual fetishes, EXTREMELY promiscious
-Has his own set of ideas of what is moral and ethical that goes against most peoples views
-Selfish and Self Centered
-Sexual abuse as a child
-Adopted and has abandonment issues
-Has no boundaries when you request boundaries (i.e. I dont want to talk, leave me alone….continuous texting)
NOT A SOCIOPATH:
-Has had a dog he truly and genuinely seems to have loved. It died recently and not only did he have it cremated but has plans for the ashes.
-Seems to have serious guilt about his adopted mothers death and how he feels like a failure to her
-I have heard and seen him cry and have gotten genuine vibes from him a few times
Do such things automatically disqualify him? Oh and I left out SO many details of our story, this is just the main stuff. I have litterally tried to make this person hate me without causing myself extreme drama (I think telling B about us might do it, but that is more drama than I want to deal with). It has been a stressful 2 years and I am having a really difficult time even now that I have finally decided to let go.
Thanks for listening and input. I know this was long.
I Just caught my gf in lies having to do with cheating last week. So much has surfaced since this and I know now what she is. She fits the sociopath to the T. She lied about everything and anything she could. And i know now why she distanced herself from people who could get her caught in these lies. I was so in love I didn’t question a lot of it because I wasn’t getting hurt at the time. She lied about going to college while we lived together (i had work all week, how could i have known when i wasn’t suspicious) She made up lies about having to work during her graduation and lied about reasons why she was back here at home where we first met(which i later found out was because she burned so many people her mom had to bail her out and bring her back) She got fired from a job recently for allegedly stealing, which I never thought she would do. Now i think she definitely did it. When she said she needed space to further her future with school and time to figure it out herself the timing couldn’t have made less sense. I was a mess, crying and breaking down in front of her and telling her things didn’t add up, is there someone else? She lied straight face the whole time, didn’t even hold me while i was crying or cry herself. We were together for 2 years. I found out that a week before she had cheated on me. I was furious when i found out and called her out on it. She still lied until I had to say his name. Then she lied more saying it wasn’t physical and that she only loved me. She was incapable of love. Since I kicked her out she hasn’t responded to any of my texts which were all basically me telling her i found out more lies, and what she had done to me.How much of a piece of shit she is. But she knew what she had done and it doesn’t matter to her. It’s crazy that people like this can be so naturally cruel and cold. Like they are plain evil. I realize that I am much better off, and it still hurts of course. And coming to the realization that you’ve been in love with a lie is hard to wrap your head around. Each day is better and I’m moving on. I just wish these sociopaths came with a warning sign. Or there was a way to make them feel the way they made you feel. It’s sad, really. Lesson learned. I never knew what a sociopath was until i was crushed by one.
Thank you William and welcome to the site. It is hard – but you cannot make someone feel what they don’t. Its not personal against you though she will be the same with the next person.
To W.W. I am sorry to hear of your experience, please know we are a great support group here and are always available to listen, keep your head up and remember you do indeed deserve better! Cecily xox
Wow William I could of written the exact same thing like the whole story is the same even the same length of time and lying about college/uni and distancing herself from other people. I always new things were wrong deep down but its amazing what you let go when you love someone! It still amazes me how similar these people are! Been in love with a lie for all that time is so ridiculously hard to get your head around and its been like 5 months for me now. I mean I’m a million times better then I was but the thought of going out with someone new which I’ve had the chance to do Is still too much for me! They really do like to screw us up!
Yes Rob. A Soc is no respecter of person or gender. My Psyc screwed w my head for three years. He went on date sites for straight, gays, and transsexuals. He lied about anything and everything. It’s been two months and I too have had chances to go out but as for relationships?? How do we trust and believe again? I fear I will always wonder if I would come home to an empty house and be abandoned again. No matter who I’m with. Only time will tell.
Welcome to the site to u and William.
Yes Judahbug its going to be really hard to trust again. I have no idea how to have that kind of trust and faith in someone again as soon as they do something small wrong or you find something a little strange about them its hard not to think omg maybe they are a psychopath etc. I mean obviously we cant be naive but its so hard not to think over the top as well. When I go on a date now its like I’m trying to work out if they could be one haha! But maybe its important to try and have some faith that most people are fine or we are letting these evil “people” win. I suppose every time you enter a new relationship its a risk even if they are normal people! There is no way I’m going to give up on all humanity anyway its just complicated for us now!
I know that this sounds like a negative Rob, but perhaps it is a good thing? Maybe you are starting to learn to trust yourself? Perhaps things (red flags) that you would have ignored before and carried on – you now choose to walk away from. Also, I think with trust – maybe this is because you are still healing within yourself. This can take time. It can feel tough as you realise that you are not as open and trusting as you were before. But…. equally you don’t want to go through what you did before. So you are healing…. to attract something better in your life.
Thanks Positivagirl. Yes I agree I feel like I have a lot more faith in myself now and I know I have to go with gut feelings. What I’m finding hard is normally when I break up with someone I get on with life quite quick like go on dates etc. I went out with this girl for like 20months so not a massive time really but after it I just have no motivation to find someone else or go on dates or anything do you think this is normal its been 5 months now feels more like 1 month? I just feel like we had a whole life planned together which was obviously fake a lie you no marriage, kids names, mortgages etc everything wow she moved fast ha but it makes it so hard to just get with someone else its basically taking everything out of me the last few months I feel drained still even though I don’t think about her nearly so much!
@positivagirl
Regarding red flags and not ignoring them after the sociopath experience… these last weeks it happened to me that a man showed interest in me, but now I am not so naive and trusting any more so I checked him up (ok I won’t reveal my methods ;))) … and I found out that he is in the same time flirting heavily with some woman, suggesting her how they would get married etc… Huh 🙂 Off course he doesn’t know that I did my homework and the next time when I met him he was again trying to make eye contact but I just gave him an official (polite but meaningless) “hi”. I can tell you when I found out that about him, he was totally out of any romantic consideration from my side….
Then I googled something about emotionally unavailable men and found one article where they wrote how emotionally unavailable men usually show romantic interest in you while they are in relationship with someone else or pursuing someone else. They are doing it all simultaneously because in that way they are avoiding to completely commit themselves to one person, because that is something they can’t do. They actually can’t love, and the woman that is in relationship with such man will become unsatisfied, unhappy, frightened,frustrated, unsure…
So yes, it is dissapointing to see all that 😦 , but I am more happy to be alone than with some pretending sicko who is no good.
Wow…. but — at least you are learning to trust yourself and your own intuition. 🙂
To all the new Lady’s on the site,
What horrible stories. My heart goes out to each of u as we all know the struggle of dealing with this nightmare.
I always thought that anything I would NOT do to another person , that person would not do to me . Boy, was I ever wrong & naive.
I have come to believe that there is a valuable lesson in this and it’s OK if u can’t see it yet, but u will , as u go on u’re journey to recovery.
I’m Sociopath free for 3mts&26days and feel so much better than I did just 2 mts. ago. I spend a lot of time reading on this site and so books . There is a book called “Puzzling People the labyrinth of a psychopath ” by Thomas Sheridan, I recommend to anybody here.
Lern as much as u can about the disorder it will help u understand . Come back to this site when ever u feel the need . We’re not here to judge u because all of us know the unbearable loneliness that u feel &the confusion & the incredible pain and and and………
Someone said that the lessons we lern the hard way are the lessons we never forget . For me THIS is by far the hardest lesson I ever had to lern and I’m still learning . Just know that you’re not alone !
Love & hug’s to u all
Here is my story. I am not really POSITIVE my guy is a sociopath. Definitely has tendencies…Looking for opinions. I am trying to figure out if I can handle this on my own or need help. I already have issues with attachment to guys and getting over them without the sociopathy. I think mine is more of a sexual and emotionally damaging sociopath than a full on one. But I am not sure. The few times discussions of “sociopaths” has come up, he has acted rather awkward.
Starts exactly 2 years ago:
-Met on facebook in 2011. He had an addiction to Benzos (valium, xanex, etc). Also had a girlfriend (Which i didnt know about for like 2 weeks into our talking) and from the getgo our messages were flirtatious and sexual. Lives 6 hours away (at the time)
-We met through a common interest group and he was also familiar with me bc he had seen me at a concert before about a month prior. Described the outfit to me that I was wearing that day to a T.
-Talks to me on the phone, despite having a long distance GF for approx 12+ hours a day. Continually flirts with me and we are sexual. Calls me things like “baby doll” and although he makes no real promises, i continually get a “maybe someday we will meet/finally get to hook up/(maybe be together)” here and there.
-we start a online website together to make and sell things associated with our common interest. (Nov 2011)
-There is another girl he started talking to right before me in our same common interest network. Let’s call her “B” He passes comments about her being annoying and overbearing. Reads me texts about her looking for his attention and approval. Seems really irritated by her. When she realizes we are working together and also that he is showing interest in me, she gets invasive. Tells him things about me without knowing me. Says I want to break him and his GF up and that is why I want to work with him. Also that I am obsessed and in love with him (pot calling kettle black….but i wont get into it now, youll see..)
-He tells me of what she has to say, in some instances even calls me pissed off saying he had to put her in her place. Obviously, I am not very threatened by this girl since I seem to be “winning” at her game, and she obviously has issues if this is how she acts. I block her on facebook because I am finding her invasive (it is the only way she knows ANYTHING about me). She gets upset, contacts me (through him) and asks to be unblocked, lets be friends. I comply.
-I realize very quickly that he is EXTREMELY promiscuous. He is open about it with me, even thought we flirt sexually and emotionally everyday. I blame it on addiction, at the time. Also talks about how him and his (12 year younger than he long distance) GF have an “open relationship” but then other times makes it like she owns him and he wouldn’t dare cheat on her. When he did cheat on her with his friends mom it was “okay because she would think it was cool he slept with his friends mom, she is cool like that”. But he “couldn’t cheat” with me, just talk and flirt with me all day behind her back. Even made me feel like I was crazy when I told him once that we are having an emotional affair. I think maybe he would sometimes hook up with another friend/ex of his, but as long as there was no sex it wasn’t cheating (more on this later). Pretty sure he had sex with her too. Maybe even others. Hard to remember or know what to believe.
-We start making plans to meet up (December 2011). Up until the day he was supposed to leave I got a run around. Yes, I am coming, cant wait. No I cant I have a GF. No I cant I hate driving that long. Yes of course I am coming, cant wait to be with you. I wont let you down! Doesn’t come. Tells me at one point he told “B” there was no way he could come see her because he already broke a promise to come see me and what wouldn’t be right (I give you this detail for future reference) to get her off his back. No idea if this was true or not, I think he was just trying to build rivalry on my end at this point (later succeeds).
-All day on the phone continues for about 2 months. “Business” talks with mostly flirting and getting to know each other. Still glimpses of “maybe someday” for both sex and hinted at relationship. Decides to quit drugs because his GF wants him to. He is successful doing it on his own. One day the flirting stops. i ask whats up. He tells me he needs to start being more loyal to his girlfriend so they can restart their life together. Talks of having a child with her when she finishes school, how she had to have an abortion, how she is going to support him so he can be a stay at home dad. They seem to fight all the time and she obviously cannot give him the attention he needs if he is spending all hours of the day on the phone with me. And let me tell you, this one needs attention. He would end our calls to take hers and call me right back.
– (January 2012-February) We start fighting a lot, I am sad he is taking the attention away from me and feel mislead all the prior months “promises”. We still talk and flirt sometimes but way less phone, way more text and way less flirting. He starts agreeing with the things “B” would say about my character. Things he just weeks ago was calling me pissed and telling me he went off on her for saying and just being really mean. Our business starts suffering bc we cant get along. He doesn’t want me doing things this and that way when he was so passive about everything when he was on the benzos. Starts to become somewhat controlling and very mean. The business somehow lasts another 6 months after this, but we are both constantly threatening to quit. Things are on the rocks with him and his GF. He goes to the west coast to check out a potential new spot to live. We barely talk while he is gone but when he gets home he calls me and nonchalantly tells me that he stopped at his GFs on the way out west and they are now broken up.
– I wait for him to talk about us maybe finally meeting now. He doesn’t say a word about anything of it. I say “Hey…so are we going to meet”? I get lots of “I Don’t Knows”. At this point I want to meet him for business purposes more than pleasure. He tells me about how “B” is bothering him to come meet her too. I didn’t even know they were really talking more than her usual “harassing” and “annoying” him. Our flirting starts up heavy again with no sign of meeting. He tells me he only meets people at concerts (our common interest- traveling with a band seeing their concerts) because it is too much of an inconvenience to meet people in other states otherwise. The concerts aren’t for around 6 more months.
-It starts to unfold that he and B have been talking regularly and that he has interest in her. It all makes sense since he had started agreeing with the things she was saying about me. He talks about how he will be going to these concerts I speak of with her with her and how she can understand them not meeting until then, why cant I? Also at a later date tells me he doesn’t want to go to the concerts with her, but he wishes he could figure out a way to get the tickets she had for him from her. Her and I have our own slew of problems by this time and are not on good terms because of the way she has acted towards and about me. Again, he is a whole another crazy story I could write another novel on, if she was worth my time…
-I am pretty heartbroken he is talking to and considering her over me after all the negative he would speak about her and of course because she has shown me no good. I express this disappointment to him and his attitude is “who cares if I once said those things about her”.
-From there he would continue to sometimes talk negatively on B, or sometimes use her to put me down in various ways. Either pass comments about her being better than me in some way shape or form or tell me he agreed with something she said about me. I asked that he please don’t talk to her about me or me with her. Multiple times. He often tells me she doesn’t care to talk about me, which, well. Okay. She certainly did when she was intimidated by our relations (and still continued to, I know it). It was starting to drive me crazy. I had had enough of him being controlling and mean, making me jealous, putting me down, using her to put me down.
-We are still flirting sexually. That exists pretty much through our whole relationship (yes, we end up meeting and hooking up). We start to realize we have similar abnormal sexual fetishes and really connect on this. Our “sexual” relationship is intense. I am not sure, however, if I am maybe getting the same pictures and texts as other girls are. I am especially weary and not cool with that if he is talking to me and B within the same context at the same time, as he is now playing us against each other…”A said this about you”….”B said this about you”….A responded to what you said about her this way”.
-(March 2012) I get fed up and end the business. I block him from my phone, Facebook and shut everything down. Send him an email saying its over. He writes me through our paypal account something like “You should have never done this. you will be sorry”. This is after months of various forms of emotional and verbal abuse. I am scared. He can be REALLY scary when he is angry. I also feel bad for ending a business relationship to harshly. At this point, I am addicted to him. I want him out of my life but I cannot let him go. This incident was the start of truly felling that way. I also accidentally (seriously, I had NO intention of hitting send but my laptop did for me when i moved it) sent “B” a message on facebook telling her things like “its over, hes yours. Good luck, He is crazy. I want peace with you, i am sorry for my contributions to this game.” I also said in response to her telling him she was “going to tell me how good his dick tastes” (and him in turn telling me she said so) that “i would really rather not know what his most likely STD infested dick tastes like, so please, spare me the details.” I guess I should also mention, this girl has NO ideas about his promiscuity or his odd sexual fetishes. She thinks he can do know wrong and I later find out she thinks i “said awful things to him about her” within sending that message (again, unintentionally) . Honey, its called the truth!
-I call him the next day because I feel awful and this sick helpless attachment. we make up, he takes me back into his life with open arms and it seems a million pounds of stress has been lifted off him by my phone call and will to work things out. the business, which is now kind of failing but was successful in the beginning continues. It is starting to become a tool we use to control and threaten each other more and more and we aren’t making money they way we were in the beginning. He doesn’t seem to care one bit about the message that I accidentally sent B. Most guys would never talk to a girl who sent a girl he is interested in a message like that again, yes? Well not this one. She was WAY more pissed than him. One of the first signs that made me think there is something wrong.
-(April 2012) We get into a HUGE fight that involves other people. I react to him betraying me with a vengeance that I know will piss him off, hopefully to the point where he wants nothing to do with me anymore, if he finds out. He does find out. Hell breaks lose. Every threat in the world is thrown at me besides death. Hell, maybe even death, who knows. The business is over. I am really sad and remorseful, despite my desire to let go of all this. But I also think that I think for sure, I am finally free of this mess I got myself into and in due time, I will heal. There is NO way he will want to know me after this. He also wont take responsibility for his back stabbing action that caused me vengeance towards him, only what I did in reaction was wrong. The next day he calls me, gets annoyed when I am cold and don’t want to talk, I cave, we talk it out and also we have phone sex. Who wants to have phone sex with a girl who he found out stabbed him in the back hard just a day or two earlier? He uses the “I am so attracted to you” card to gain me back here, because I was ready to be done.
-He moves all the way to the west coast without meeting me nor B, 6 hours each away from his home in Ohio, before going. I am at the point where I am telling him for weeks prior if he doesn’t meet me as he drives through my city, I am done with the business. Promises he will stop. We aren’t sure if we will hook up because his friend he also hooks up with will be traveling with him and he proposes it might be weird. I tell him i don’t care about that, I need to meet for business purposes. We aren’t getting along and maybe meeting will help us gain respect. He starts to tell me days before, when I ask that he is taking a route through Colorado to see his ex (who he is supposedly, to this day, still in love with. I am starting to wonder if she even exists or if she is a tool he uses but I am PRETTY sure she does. Actually I know she does but the way he uses her as a tool to hurt other girls when she is barely in his life is just insane). I know he is lying because the girl he was traveling with and his ex have problems. It is confirmed when I see pictures the friend posts on Facebook of the Thruway to my city. I let it slide. Still continue to run the business and flirt. Business is bringing in no money to either of us at this point, despite my efforts. Pretty sure at this point he knew he wasn’t going to concerts on the east coast with B. He might have still been letting her think and make plans for them though.
-Although we ran a business together, many of our products were kept separate. Besides for a few instances where he was a little sheisty and shady, He never pulled any weird financial stuff regarding the business. I handled most of that aspect of it though. One day all of a sudden he starts accusing me of owing him money for his product that I had. He had product of mine too and our agreement was that we would pay each other for product as it was sold. He had much more product than me, and I had much more of his product than he mine, as I had more opportunity to sell outside of the website. We were business partners. Why would I be buying his stock in a partnership? He starts to get really irate from me and is acting weird sexually and being really cold towards me. It made me uncomfortable and sad because I am addicted, so like a fool, I cave and pay him. He emotionally and sexually backed me into a corner until i paid him.
-Right around this time he also makes a point to call me (phone calls were weird and rare at this stage) to announce to me that B pushed some major boundaries by acting like they are a couple online when they aren’t (hadn’t even met yet). Tells me she is cut and blocked and that he has no desire to talk to her anymore. Things get REALLY good between he and I as at this point she was a huge barrier in our relationship (“friendship”).
-One day a few weeks later he reveals to me nonchalantly that they are talking again. “I got a awesome package from B today!” I get upset and jealous. He tells me they are going to the concerts in San Fran together (after he bailed on the week on the east coast they had “planned”). He had also made mention of me and him possibly going together at this point and also that he might take his ex that he is in love with (even thought she isn’t a huge fan of the band and isn’t into traveling and he hadn’t seen her in 6 months by this time). So now I am upset he is meeting us both at the same time, at the same concert, but he is going with her after stringing us both along for almost a year. Plus, she hates me which is going to make it difficult for us to even meet beyond the point of “hello” and small talk. After almost a year of extremely regular communication. When I said “but i thought you couldn’t stand her anymore because of reason 1, 2, 3 & 4 the response was the same as it always is for everything: “Who cares if I once said and felt those things.” I told him i really doubt we can remain friends if he ends up seriously involved with this girl.
-(August 2012) I go to San Fran. The weeks leading up to it are rough for me individually and for us both as “friends”. Of course we are still sexually flirting on the regular, intensely, up until the event. We meet during the concert, a brief meeting. All of our interactions during those 3 days were brief and awkward. B wont even look at me never say hello and he is with her the whole time. I had lost my phone on the first night but when i got to my hotel sent an email saying It was good to meet him and he is adorable and some of our flirting stuff. He doesn’t respond to the email, but I later find out (from B) that he told her everything I wrote besides for the sex stuff.
-We get home, he texts me asking if I will still be his friend if he is with B. I assumed from the few times I saw them together in San Fran that this might be the case. So I was somewhat prepared and also feeling kind of ambivalent about the whole thing. Him being there with her just kind of turned me off. I do want what I have been anxiously lusting over for almost a year though. I tell him I would probably be an acquaintance and what was going to happen with our sex stuff? You build up sex for a year then never act on it? He starts telling me how badly he still wants me and we start flirting hard. We are going to see each other again in a week for more concerts and where he was originally supposed to go with his (extremely detached) ex, plans have changed and he and B are now going together. I am upset because I figured at least if he was with the ex, maybe we could actually have a real meeting and a conversation and what not instead of dealing with the awkwardness that is B. We start trying to plan to meet up before. He says it has to be before because he plans to commit to B at these shows. All of our attempts fail, including my attempt to buy him a flight to come to a completely different show so we can hook up and spend actual real time together before he “commits” to this girl I cannot stand.
-YES. I KNOW I AM AN IDIOT AND THIS SHOULD HAVE ENDED LONG AGO. But sociopaths play on our weaknesses and making us even weaker than we already are, yes? And I REALLY wanted/needed the amazing sex we built up anticipation for for so long.
-I see him after the first night of the next concert we are both at in the parking lot and we have a weird interaction followed by texts about how badly we lust each other. The next day I see him before the show in the parking lot and he tells me how much he is turned on by me and how much he wants me. I ask him how things are with he and B. He says “alright. she is way too into me.” We sneak off to hook up a little for what will be the first time ever. He tells me he and B could have a great future together (I know she always wanted to “take care of him” (her words) and I think was proposing some miraculous awesome future that she was selling him on) but that he isn’t really sexually attracted to her, he “is attracted to other things” and that she is too sensitive and fragile for him. He seemed really uninterested and unhappy to be with her and really into me. We hooked up a little and text sexually AND romantically until morning after the concert. While she in bed sleeping, he was sending me texts and sexual pictures from the next room. We had now made last minute plans to spend a extra night after the concerts together, after him telling me we could only hook up if it was before. He talks about how he cant wait to see me in the parking lot again the next day and how sorry he is for everything and how he realized no one will ever share what he and I do and how he wants our sexual relationship for life. But he will be with B…..for now (keep in mind they had only met in person a week prior). The next day he is kind of ignoring me. Not completely but I thought we were going to experience a lust full day of sneaking off like the day before. That is what he was proposing in our texts the night before. I am annoyed and sad and confused. That night we end up at the same party afterwards. I start to feel awkward because of B and not being really sure where he and I stand, with him being somewhat stand offish that day. I leave. As I leave he texts me “I am so attracted to you. I loooove being around you. Move to my city”. I tell him I am leaving and he asks if I can stick around until B passes out. I do. We sneak off, hook up. He wouldn’t do anything sexual to me out of “respect” but told me he couldn’t wait to have sex with me tomorrow (the extra night we are spending together). The next day he texts me “B is talking of changing her flight”….meanwhile I had really inconvenienced myself by re booking for this extra day. I tell him this and I am like “you are obligated to me, I made these plans for you!”. He reveals she isn’t staying and I think he said he misunderstood her. I meet him at the hotel and within seconds he announces “I cant kiss you, have sex with you or do anything to you”. i am PISSED. He says “c’mon I just had sex with B”. We hook up and I force him to do sexual things with me but he still gets away with no intercourse somehow. Cries to me about how he loves his ex and also about how he has anxiety about just cheating on B with me and how things changed over the course of the weekend (umm….you were with me 12 hours ago? telling me you cant wait for actual sex with me…), and that they had an emotional parting at the airport and all this nonsense. Yes, he did literally cry. Which makes me question his being a sociopath. But I also think people can fake crying and It wasn’t an intense cry so maybe it was fake. Definitely could have been. I had also heard him cry heavy on the phone once or twice, always under the influence of drugs though. We part ways at the airport in the morning, I am devastated. We get home and continue to flirt as he gushes about his new relationship with B. I remind him of all the things he told me about her just days earlier. He says he never thought or felt those things about her and blamed alchohol/(his high dosages of) recreational drugs during the concerts for saying such things. When I would say things like you left her bed side for me he would respond with things like “Who cares if I let my sexual desires take control at that point”. I tell him I cant talk to him anymore. Block him from my life. Somehow he enters again a few weeks later…
-Flirting and fighting about him being with B if he isn’t in love with her or committed to her and more mayhem continues through the holidays. Sometimes he is with B, sometimes he isn’t. The story always changes. She lives on east coast, he on west. He tells me one day he told her he is still in love with his ex (that he didn’t want to be with her exclusively, in his eyes) and she was very cool with it.
-(December 2012/January2013) B is visiting him for new years for over a week. He had just gotten back from visiting his family for about 2 weeks, only 6 hours from her, for the holidays. Six hours from your “girlfriend” who lives on the other side of the country and you dont see her? Even though she is meeting you back west? And she is meeting you back west when you were already east? hmmmm. Sounds healthy and normal to me! We agree our best bet is to just not talk when she is there. I tell him I actually have decided that I don’t want to be in his life if she is the path he is choosing after all he has put me through with her and within their “relationship”. We stop talking for what in my head is good. It seems he is going to take up a “future” with this girl while flirting sexually with me intensely everyday and I want nothing to do with it. I get a email from him a few days before she leaves saying something to the effect of “Don’t worry, everything is cool. Hope you are well.” i ask what he means by this and like a full day later I get a response “shes not for me as a GF. I am not with her anymore and not going to be”. We start talking again, they remain “friends’ (in her eyes still dating). I have a trip planned to his city, I have wanted to go to a school there for a long time and was going to check out the city and school (of course, even though he is reluctant to this day to admit it, he thinks it is because of him that i want this school and city. When in reality, he is the one “con” of me potentially moving there). I tell him I am coming, he is very excited. But starts to say things like….you cant tell anyone you are coming. This becomes a big deal to us both because he is really trying to enforce that I keep it a secret and I am not going there for him so to me it is unfair that I am being asked to keep something so exciting to me (checking out the school and city) a secret. And….he is supposedly single! . AND….we are supposedly friends…that is already our cover. what does it matter if i end up in his city for a weekend. Huge stress, but like an idiot I comply halfway and keep it pretty hush hush. He comes to my hotel two nights while I am there, we have actual sex finally and get along pretty well despite a few conflicts (people will think moving there for him, why I had to keep a secret I was coming, Is he still with B? etc. I am sure by now you can imagine.) The second night he comes there “upset” about his ex and not feeling sexual (didn’t last) and it is a battle to get him to hook up for a while. “Cant we just hang out as friends?” but will not be seen in public with me or allow me to come to his house (where he has two roommate who now know B). Makes up 3 different excuses why I cant come there and avoids my calls and texts all day that Sunday after telling me he would hang out with me for a few hours while I had no where to go. He insists on driving me to the airport the next day, as what I assume was his attempt to make up for all the lies and avoidance from the day before.
-(through June 2013) Get home from that trip, upset, we fight about the whole thing over and over…how I am a secret friend. Is he still with B? All the lies to avoid me on Sunday (which he is still denying but months later admits), months go on of the same stuff, flirting, fighting, issues with B, uncertainty of truths, etc. He is going to the upcoming concerts in the summer with B and I am upset because she restricts the time we can spend together (and pulls him away whenever we even try to talk) and because I don’t want to feel like I am sneaking around and the other woman to her. I had enough of that. We make plans to meet in his city after the run of shows. I suggest before and he answers “arrggh B is going to be here”. So we plan after. Things are REALLY good for us for a couple of months leading up to the concerts. No fighting, sex stuff just as hot, if not hotter than ever. He is talking sexually to a million other people, but at this point I accept that about him and know if the slight chance we ever ended up together, we would need an open relationship to be healthy. He makes that apology about treating me like a secret to protecting B and at this point has also stood up to her about our friendship and admitted to her we are still really close (although never told her the real truth…which has now also begun to take a toll on me. This girl thinks I am nothing to him and that she is so much better than me….but again, her insanity and the issues that exist between her and I is a whole another novel).
-I get to his city before the concerts. We meet up because I need to borrow something from him. We are in my friends room at her apartment and we hook up. He tells me he cant do anything to me or have sex because B is back at his place. I am confused.He told me weeks earlier that he told her he could only go through with having sex with her if she could accept they were friends. I assume from that statement, they probably wont be having sex bc a) he has told me tons of times in different ways he isn’t attracted to her and b) this girl will most likely NEVER accept they are just friends. At the same time how can I blame her for thinking differently? She is about to embark on 2 weeks of traveling with him one on one, sharing beds, etc. I ask him if he was hooking up with her. He says “yeah i was but then my dog died 2 days ago and I haven’t been in the mood” ….as he just had an orgasm minutes prior with me. Also in our discussion mentions how B “thinks their bond is even stronger now (in the tone/sense that he doesn’t) and that she was there when his dog died and dealt with that with him. That’s the other thing….he had a dog…and supposedly loved animals. Even went to school to be a vet tech for a short time (but also confessed to me it was to get good pet drugs….it was during his SERIOUS benzo addiction). Does that eliminate him from this classification? Oh, I guess I should add that at this point that she has be convinced or she thinks that the only reason they aren’t together is because he is in love with his ex, that he hasn’t seen now in a year and a half…so obviously B feels non threatened by all that. I ask him if he is like “dating” her for the concerts and he said yes, kind of after acting like it was friends all along. and sometimes like he wanted nothing to do with the arrangement of spending that time with her. He also tells me that she is cool and knows their boundaries and that he is going to tell her I am coming and staying with him after the 2 weeks of concerts are over. This made me so happy. He also made talk about us maybe ending up together some day when I told him I love him and would be with him. All bullshit.
-The 2 weeks of concerts happen with some conflict between he and I and also B who now wont say hello to me (we had been making efforts to be friendlier to each other). I complain about B giving me the cold shoulder and he starts accusing me of giving her the cold shoulder. I also complain about her tearing us apart and he says things like “well we came here together”. I ask him a bunch of times during the two weeks if I should still come back to his city after and one morning close to the end of the two weeks we met up for a “his pleasure only because he cant disrespect B!” hook up session. He definitely believed that as long as he didn’t do anything to pleasure me it wasn’t “cheating on” or in this current case “being under handed towards he (and I am sure and he has admitted many..okay probably all other “girlfriends” of his past) while he was spending time with her. He reiterates in question form during this meetup that I am indeed coming to his city after the concerts. I tell him yes. At this point I had decided to fly to his city after instead of drive with my friends because I just really didn’t want to wait anymore to be with him. I asked him at some point when he gets in and he told me around 5:30. I book a flight that gets in around that time and the day of our flights he tells me his flight is at 8. Basically, I have 4 hours to kill all by myself, with my luggage in a somewhat strange city now. Before his flight even takes off he tells me in a text I might need to stay elsewhere (i have other friends there) on Wednesday because “D” (another girl he was having sexual relations with) might be in town. I am already devastated from these two situations and feel so disrespected and sad. We finally meet up at the airport hours after I arrive. I of course am pissed off and just sad and we take a cab to his place. He tells me I need to pay for the cab because he has no money. I ask if we can take a train. He says he thinks he has some money on a card. I end up paying, of course. He says he will pay me back, but doesn’t, But he bought us food delivery, so I let it slide. We get to his house and he tells me B almost changed her flight to come back here. I said, “Yeah i figured she would, What did you tell her (don’t forget the promise that he was going to tell her about me coming there) and he said I didn’t tell her anything she decided not to. I said….”so you would have let her come?”. he said yes!!! I told him that is messed up we have had these plans for weeks to which he responded “whatever, I’m not going to tell my friend i just spend to weeks with and that was there for me through my dogs death that they can’t come here if they want to. The phone calls from her start…she is crying they are apart….he leaves the house to talk to her some and I hear him saying ” I am not talking about this now” over and over again in my presence. I found out she thought this whole time he was sexually monogamous to her (yet another reason she assumed they were together), but did find out about the girl he was telling me that I had to leave for and was texting him things like “have fun having sex with D”. I keep asking him if he is with B and whats her deal and of course get all kinds of crazy answers including “I would be with her if she would let me be with other woman” (I offered him that) and that there is just something off about their sex. That night we have sex and hang out and have sex and hang out. He starts saying after sex we shouldn’t do this, there is emotional attachment. Then it would be sex again, without hesitation. What happened to us maybe being together someday? And it is a problem that I have “emotional attachment” (which, I kind of didn’t…not romantic emotional attachment anyway) but it is okay to have sex with B who has them married in her head even though he supposedly tells her they aren’t together and seems genuinely disgusted by the idea of sex with her. He had just started talking to this new girl, also in our common interest group and now between our sex is texting with her and pretty much ignoring me. In addition to my emotional attachment, he is saying he doesn’t want to have sex with me because he wants to change and settle down and be monogamous with one girl. Either the ex or this new girl (more Facebook bait that he hasn’t met yet.) and getting mad at me for doubting his wanting to change. I ended up leaving his house after 36 hours and also left for a good 8 one day just to not have to be around him. We had sex around ten times in those 36 (minus the 8 i was away from his house) hours and pretty much every single time after he told me we shouldn’t do this anymore. He also wouldn’t let me sleep in his bed in the two overnights I was there! And one of his excuses was “I have been sharing a bed (with B) for two weeks. I just want to sleep alone.” When I told him that (among many other things) was disrespectful he says it is not. Find me a girl okay with sleeping in the other room and I will find you a desperate self esteem-less SUCKER. I guess I should also add, probably should have added it long ago…I have invalidation issues and he is well aware of them through our intense “bonding” the year prior.
-I came home and nothing has been the same between he and I since. We tried to work it out once or twice (at his request) but at this point it cant be worked out. I see him a few weeks later, at more concerts, again with B. Seeing him devastates me rather unexpectedly. We are in the city where his ex lives and he has been talking for months about seeing her this weekend, yet he is there with B. He comes up to me and starts talking about how his hotel view is where we had sneaked off to hook up the year prior. Really, reminiscing about sex with a girl you don’t want to have sex with because you fear emotional attachment? B is feet away as he talks. Silly me should have kept that conversation going as she approached to tear us apart (hes all yours B!) He also tells me at another point is is trying to see her ex but she is being crazy. I keep approaching him asking how his “changes” are going knowing full well he is having sex with B, I can tell in their body language. We get back to our homes after the concerts and I make it clear, so I thought that I didn’t want to talk anymore. I know he had sex with B and I hate the way he treated me in his city the few weeks prior. Sick of his lies, appeasements, run around and changing situations that revolve around his terms. He has told me a few times that he had no idea I was coming to his city just for him and he also didn’t know I would be staying with him the whole time. We had it planned for weeks. I was trying to stay civil, no blocking on Facebook or phone. I guess I should mention a few times I had asked him not to talk to me in the past without blocking, he wouldn’t comply, including the time between when I left his city and the concerts he was at in his ex’s city with B. Always found an excuse to make contact, but it would “make him cry” when I blocked him. So, I tried to be civil and leave him unblocked. Was feeling really free of everything recently and put up a status on facebook about how good it feels to be free and no one should ever let anyone cause them mental anguish for years or months or days. I get a text from him a minute later “glad you are good”. I don’t respond. I get another text the next day. I tell him i don’t want to talk. Somehow, of course, we end up talking, His response to something i said was that is unfair that you would say that but wont even give me an example so I can explain, Everything has an explanation. Of course it does; you are probably a sociopath. We somehow end up talking on the phone where he tells me B has finally come to terms with the fact that they aren’t together. He tells me I have no idea how manipulative and controlling she was and he feels so much relief and freedom now that she is leaving alone. I asked if he saw his ex in her city when we were there and he said no. When I asked why not he said B was controlling and manipulating him and saying he wouldn’t be welcome at their hotel and to the concerts with her if not. He lived in that city for maybe ten years and has a ton of friends that live there in addition to the friends that were there for the concerts. I asked if she (B) knows about the new girl (who she already didn’t like for whatever B reason) he says of course, the ex and her was how she finally realized they wouldn’t be together. He told me when she found out about the new girl that she unblocked her from Facebook, as she had had her blocked for whatever reason, to spy on them. B also spied on us early on and even after I had her blocked as recently as this past winter. Last time she did and reported to him with her findings, he came down on me for “posting on his stuff” and not on her for somehow spying. More invalidation. So it is a problem when she spies on them but not us….He also said he has been committed to his ex and this new girl and will be with one of them and is still focused on changing. I said so you don’t talk to this girl and that girl and this girl and that guy (yes he is into guys) and this girl…named off around 7 people that I know he has been sexual with either in real live or over the phone for at least 6 months or more. He said no. But also mentioned he had GREAT sex with B (the girl he supposedly didn’t like having sex with and who is more emotionally attached to him than ANYONE) in his ex’s city at the concerts. He also mentioned having sex with the girl that he asked me to leave his house for sometime between then and now. But he is being celibate for these two girls. There was another time I had asked him if he was still celibate sarcastically in a text and he said No because you wouldn’t let me be, you quilted me into having sex with you (it was why I went back to his city) and practically raped me (not true, besides for the fact that he likes dominant women). More invalidation. He also speaks of “something” that kept him with B and he wont say what. Says his personal life is none of my business when I know some (supposed) really dark deep secrets and facts about him. I am starting to think she was supporting him financially. I have thought this in the past and one of the things he said when she said she was controlling and manipulative was “she booked all the flights and planned everything…she played on my passiveness” when I told him he lead her on by traveling alone with her so much if he wasn’t interested in being with her. I was acting crazy for few days because I was so disrupted by his contact I was truly finding peace and him realizing that by my Facebook status is what made him contact me kind of relentlessly. Sociopathic. I am feeling at peace again but I have found peace in remembering what I thought long ago- That he is a sociopath.
I want to make a list of why I am conflicted on whether he is or not, because I am really not sure.
IS A SOCIOPATH:
-Preys on insecurities
-Preys on girls on unmet/unknown girls on the internet, often
-lies, excuses and appeasements, changing stories, denial of saying things that were clearly said or (supposedly) not absorbing important information that was discussed at legnth
-extremely charming, has a fan club of girls that he talks to on regular, they are all ex’s or former flings
-“Artificially Intelligent” Although he is smart, very smart, sometimes he uses words or phrases which make it exagerated.
-bizarre sexual fetishes, EXTREMELY promiscious
-Has his own set of ideas of what is moral and ethical that goes against most peoples views
-Selfish and Self Centered
-Sexual abuse as a child
-Adopted and has abandonment issues
-Has no boundaries when you request boundaries (i.e. I dont want to talk, leave me alone….continuous texting)
-Although claimed to be very upset and that he held a lot of guilt, seemed rather ambivalent about his dog dying
NOT A SOCIOPATH:
-Has had a dog he truly and genuinely seems to have loved. It died recently and not only did he have it cremated but has plans for the ashes.
-Seems to have serious guilt about his adopted mothers death and how he feels like a failure to her
-I have heard and seen him cry and have gotten genuine vibes from him a few times
Do such things automatically disqualify him? Oh and I left out SO many details of our story, this is just the main stuff. I have literally tried to make this person hate me without causing myself extreme drama (I think telling B about us might do it, but that is more drama than I want to deal with). It has been a stressful 2 years and I am having a really difficult time even now that I have finally decided to let go.
Thanks for listening and input. I know this was long. And Celina, even thought it has only been a few weeks….I still feel like I did/am doing something wrong and that I someday want to let him back in my life. I know these are feelings I need to try to let go of. I could really relate to what you said though and saw myself in your shoes years down the line when I read it. He was the greatest addiction I have EVER faced and at this stage I am still unsure I have or can kick him. Staying strong…..trying. He is now blocked from my phone and has actually been good about not contacting me. Albeit only a week or so since our last encounter.
Wow, Bee (interesting username choice, given your dislike for ‘B’?) You have been playing his game for awhile. I’m not sure you even like him though. Of the women, you seem to have a pretty clear image of what/who he is. Forgive me if mistaken but, I almost wonder if you’re mostly annoyed at him not choosing you as his #1.
You do know that what he tells ‘B’ is that you are the “business contact”, and that it’s nothing more than business, right? I’m not sure about his sociopathy, but he is definitely a died-in-the-wool player, and he won’t be able to change that now that he knows there are women in the world who will accept him as such—he will only grow more skillful with time. Definitely not a lifetime partner, unless you want to continue to experience a world of hurt.
Well yes of course unwanted to be his number one! He fooled me into thinking I might be in the beginning.
I have SEVERE acceptance from guy issues (obese female with a father who told her she would never be with a man or have or have friends bc she was overweight her while childhood). He knew this early on in our “bonding”.
I don’t like him. He charmed me good for a few months before getting nasty towards me and I clung on to the hope and charm through the storm. Became addicted to his manipulation and cunning ways.
Some of his traits are DEFINITELY sociopathic. But I do not think he’s a full on sociopath. I DO feel victimized in the same sense.
We don’t run a business together anymore, haven’t for over a year now and yes I’m sure he has told B a world of lies about me and has probably talked negatively about me to her as well.
I think he knows he has sociopathic tendencies or he might even know he is a sociopath which makes him that much better at his game.
In over this person and trying to break away. It’s very difficult. Every tine I finally start to forgive and move on from it all, something surfaces that takes me back to square one. Last night it was finding out he gave away a gift that I gave him.
I chose Bee bc my last name starts with a B and thats what some people call me. didn’t make the correlation at the time. Although the situation for a while caused me to be unhealthily obsessed with Bee.
Distraught.
Be thankful Rob that we learned at all before some life threatening disease. l
I get it, I really do. The thing is that he has to discredit you by slandering you in order to justify (in his mind) how he’s treated you, and why he left you. My ex-bf has discredited ALL of his ex’s … That should have been my first clue. It sure will be should I ever run across it again .. (and I hope I don’t)
Hi Bee,
It is understandable how you are feeling. I think it’s good that you are finally wanting to break away and seeking recovery. As some have said here before, it really is inconsequential if he really is a sociopath or not though, this man is very unhealthy for you.
You seem very bright and capable. As I mentioned, you got in there and figured out this situation probably better than the majority of women he interacts with. I don’t care what your abusive father told you or why, you deserve better.
Something one of my early teachers did with me when I was crying over something someone in authority had said to me, was this: She put me in front of a mirror and said, “How do you think you look today?” I said, “I think I look alright.” She said, “What if I told you you don’t look good at all? Are you just going to buy into that because I am your teacher and someone you are *supposed* to be able to trust?” Reject your father’s early assessments, Bee—you have that power as the unique, intelligent, capable person you are. Sometimes, we don’t know what causes a person to do/say the hurtful things they do that cause us damage, but you can definitely embrace in this case that the issues were his, not yours. If you could seek counseling for what you’ve been through with this guy, and also in your early life experience, it would probably benefit you greatly in many aspects of your life. It’s painful to see someone smart like you, who can run businesses, settle for less in relationships.
I wanted to write this here….. just so that you know – you can grow stronger. Life can get better. You CAN find you again. I found this today. This was ME…. and my story – written elsewhere on 11th July 2012…… Or at least – the story of the last – charismatic sociopath – I guess this story – is the bones of this site. I cant put it up as the main story (as he would likely see it…) ….. but he probably wouldn’t read the replies here. This is how I was. What went through my mind. Once I was hurting just as bad too (and also needed to write my very long story of what happened to me) needed just someone to understand and listen…..
My story.
I guess i was prime target for my sociopath. At the time i lived in a nice house, had a good job. But i was vulnerable. I had been through a lot in the previous two years (my daughter died in jan 10, father left 6 days later, i lost 100k all my life savings, after that i met a narcissist who i stayed with for more than a year, who mentally and emotionally destroyed me, my social life disappeared)
I met my sociopath in December 2011. At the time, i was trying to pick up the pieces of my life. I was definately vulnerable. I had already been through so much. The relationship has just ended… i feel so isolated, i wanted to speak to someone – who understands.
I met him, and he swept me off my feet. He was so charming. He told me he had a 45k a year job, that he was about to buy an alfa romeo car, he would pay 3 months rent in advance. He told me how he would want me to work part time so that he could look after me.This was all lies. He was actually unemployed, but this wouldnt come out until later. He told me that he had a little girl, that he saw every other weekend. He made out that he was a responsible father. Often saying ‘what kind of father would i be’ he made out he had good morals and was a good guy.
The truth was that he was actually unemployed, he couldnt drive, he had no savings. He told me that his grandfather was going to give him 3,000 but this was again a lie. He moved into my house. We seemed to get on so well, it felt too good to be true. He said that his previous ex was a psychopath. He maintained he had a great relationship with the mother of his daughter.
In Jan he was still fobbing me off about money – i was paying for everything, whilst he pretended that he had a job. He then said that the mother of his daughter was going to die of cancer and that his daughter would come to live with us (this was particularly cruel as my own daughter had died). I went through months of fake telephone calls to hospitals, his ex, schools to arrange for her to come. It kept being delayed. i bought her new bedding and things for her room, and bought food especially for her. I gave him money to collect his daughter. He was meant to take empty suitcases to pick up his daughter. Instead i returned home to notes, he had taken the cash and left. I was beyond stunned. Instead of taking empty suitcases, he packed his things and left. Leaving me a note telling me how much he loved me and that he would return. He said he had to go back to be with his daughter she needed him.
the weeks before that, I had told him that he needed to get a job, he never admitted that the job hadnt existed. He went to an interview, he got head hunted so he said at the interview, he had a new job, would be line managing 60 people, and could earn a lot of money. Every day he had gone to work, (at my expense) i paid for everything, food, bills, tobacco, mobile phone credit and internet. I was feeling financial strain and going heavily into debt. He assured me that he would soon be paid, and would give me 600 to help. I was waiting for his payday, when he was going to collect his daughter… instead i came home to notes. I was beyond devastated.
Days later he returned to live with me. He said he was devasted, his daughter had been taken away by his exes twin sister. THen began the fake telephone calls to solicitors to fight for access to his child. He came back and said that he had sold fishing gear back there. He would be taking me out all week. He borrowed money for the coach fare back, from my friends telling them that he couldnt pay cash could they put it on their card. He never paid it back.
He took me out all week, paid for everything, wouldnt allow me to get my card out. All week there were the fake telephone calls. He said there was a delay in payment for his wages. On the day he was meant to get paid, he created a massive scene, called the police on me and left. I was stunned, and confused, and of course devasted. I went to use my bank card. I had no money in my account.
That weekend, i received two emails. One from his ex housemate, and one from his ex girlfriend. They said he was a compulsive liar and a thief. I didnt believe he was a thief. I said how i was left starving with no money. They told me to check my bank. I almost didnt. Who would steal from my bank account? It turned out that he had stolen £350 from my account in two transactions. He had taken me out for meals etc from money stolen from my account, leaving me without food money, or nothing and no money to pay my rent bills or anything. He had been using my card in stores. I couldnt believe it, and called the police. I was going to press charges for fraud.
The next few weeks were hell. He sent emails to friends about me. Saying the most terrible lies. New friends I had met, he harassed until they stopped speaking to me. He contacted my family members said i did drugs and said the most awful things.
I was so stunned, so confused, i didnt know what was happening. My head was spinning it felt out of control. He was threatening me and it was getting worse. He then said that he had borrowed 1000 from his grandfather, and wanted to give it to me. He was hundreds of miles away, I told him i couldnt afford to travel there, i was by now so in debt. He promised he had it. I guess mostly i knew he didnt, I wanted closure and i needed to ask WHY? So i went there, of course there was no money.
at this point i was of course going to walk away from him. But then, he did a clever thing. He told me that he had been a liar. He was so sorry. He didnt want to lose me. He even let me call the mother of his daughter, turns out she wasnt dying of cancer. that was a lie. In fact he hadnt seen his daughter in years. He confessed to everything.
Of course, this was probably to get me to drop the fraud charge. Trying to passify me and build trust. I did. He said he would look for a job in my city and return. He said he would work hard and pay off debts. i was by now so far in debt, I didnt want our relationship to be over. He told me he would be honest. He confessed to everything. I was stunned but appreciated his honesty (then i didnt understand about sociopaths), after all he had called my ex who destroyed me after my daughter died a psychopath…..
He moved back here, saying he had a job interview, he was sure that he would get the job. he always does well at interviews. But of course he moved all the way here, and there was no job interview. He just had to hand in his CV?? By now finances were so bad. I was 2,300 in rent arrears. When he had taken off, he called police said i was going to take my life they smashed my door in causing thousands of pounds of damage. I was without a letterbox for months.
I was angry he didnt have an interview, apart from the lies, he was always so charming. Cooked for me, was clean and made me laugh. He didnt put me down personally. In fact, he was healing from the last one (who i believe now was probably a narcissist and a sociopath, he had threatened to kill me)… He made me feel good. I forgave his lies, told him he had to get another job. So he did…. but it didnt last, he never got paid, said he didnt finish the training. Then there was another job, he went to work, but didnt get paid,… he said he didnt complete induction through an agency.
He had needed to get his teeth fixed, i took him to dentist who said they could do the work (I think possibly this was one of the reasons he came back)…. each time with false jobs, and false salary that never came into my bank account… i borrowed more money on high interest rates so we could get by until he was paid. I bought him a bike, as i had one he was running next to me. We went camping… he started another job. this one ran on for weeks. (there would be spaces of weeks between jobs, i guess to span out time freeloading)… he would get up 6am every day, go to work for 730 returning at 5pm every day. He did this for weeks. I thought he MUST have a job, nobody would get up at this time every day. of course i kept checking the account for money going in, it was never there. He even contacted me said he had seen the person he would have 320 go into my account tomorrow. Well as he was out of the house all day i had no reason to think otherwise. Next day came there was no money. he said there was an error, they would all be paid on Monday, more elaborate stories, said they would pay cash. Each day he would tell me about his day, he would tell me things that happened. Of course Monday came i called the bank i was still overdrawn. He had spent all the money all weekend, had eaten all the food from my freezer. We were now without food. I called asked what was going on? He said … it was a job through a job club. he was only getting 10 extra on his social security benefits. He was too ashamed to tell me. I asked him what would we do? We had no food… he said he would sell his laptop and ipod. Instead, he stole MY ipod (which had all the music i listened to when my daughter died), took a mobile phone, and i discovered later, an expensive watch i had bought in memory of my dead daughter.
Next morning i said he had to leave. He called police on me. Yelling and lying that i was threatening him. I dont know what he had hoped to acheive. I called police too. He lied about me to the police said i had stolen his ipod. The police were good. They took his keys and threw him out of the house. Told him if he returned he would be arrested. He was crying as they wouldnt let him have his bike. Stupidly i allowed him back into my house and he stole the bike.
He was then street homeless for a week, before being housed in a shared house. I then found out about sociopaths… and realised for sure for definate he is a sociopath. He wont leave me alone. He knows that i now have a new lodger who is paying rent. so he comes to my house shouting in the back garden throwing stones at the window. He wants the lodger to leave….
I am stunned there are individuals, and feel sad that the relationship didnt even exist. I dont even know where to begin to pick up the pieces of my life. I am financially destroyed and so far in debt i dont know where to begin to pick up the pieces. He doesnt care. he has no remorse no shame. Nothing.
He has already started telling me he has a job starting, he isnt from my city and knows nobody here. But he has burned so many bridges that he has nowhere else to go. Instead he ended up sleeping rough on the streets.
Somehow i dont think this story is over. And that is what scares me. What will he do next?? 😦
Hi Pos 🙂
I had read your story or the ‘bones’ when I first found your blog & I am still amazed by your level of perception & ability to share such profound insight & understanding about the motivations & the mindless cruelty that is the Sociopath.
Like you I have had more than one & I am only now realising that apart from the usual vulnerabilities that attract them & make us latch onto them, they play to our needs & we openly tell & show them the way in to us.
I have to accept responsibility for not valuing myself & allowing such disgraceful behaviour. I think a lot has come from a dysfunctional perception of my own self worth & esteem so, my journey like yours has led to great awareness & some I haven’t wanted to admit.
I am inspired by you & your ability to overcome your past 🙂
You have shared so much of yourself here & I really hope you truly appreciate the difference that you have made to me & others.
We would all be adrift in the Sociopath ocean but, your like a life raft & cast us a line back to land. Back to a safe harbour 🙂
Love & continued strength.
P.S.I don’t have your details for donations to you & your site so, let me know please & I’ll arrange a $$$….PR xoxo
Thanks PR – you can make a donation (and it would be appreciated as I lost my job) just by clicking on the paypal button. You can make a donation either using paypal or if you don’t have an account can use a debit or credit card.
Thank you and thank you for your kind words. I am very proud of you too!!
Hi Pos,
My donation is small but, I hope it helps 🙂
I am sorry you have lost your job but, I know you will land on your feet soon 🙂
Just had a white feather moment 🙂 🙂 keep writing that book 🙂
I will send another donation next month 🙂
Love PR xoxo
Hey PR, thank you so so much for your donation. I can’t thank you enough. It really means a lot. THANK YOU that is so very kind of you!!! From the bottom of my heart, I really do appreciate it 🙂 x
This brought tears to my eyes.
Because of your story, of course. But also because of the hope, power and conviction you share with how everything will get better.
I dont know what it is with me lately. I dont have any more fight in me with this. I dont have any more emotional energy. Any more thought. I dont have any more patience that all of this pain and ache will dissipate. I thought it was gone. Maybe my need for answers or want to communicate with him is gone, but the hole is there. I am goign through a huge self-discovery phase, and I dont know how much more I can take.
This year has been hell. I need a break. I need to catch my breath. All I do now is cry. I walk into the office, choke back tears. I sit on one of the most gorgeous beaches in america, and wonder what I am doing here. I wonder what I am supposed to be here for. I wonder why all this has happened. I look at people around me, and wonder if they have ever felt such a pain. Such a lonliness. I long for a connection. A love. I long to feel that again. And I just dont. I hurt. It is the most mind-numbing feeling. Is this part of the process? Why do I feel like It’s getting darker? I thought i was on the other side?
A “mutual friend” (who isnt much of a friend) sent me a text last week asking if I had heard the latest with so and so (my ex soc). I didnt even respond. I dont care. I dont have anything left in me to care with. I have been trying to take care of myself. Working on my career in this new chapter. But I am so god damn scared, everyone. So terrified. I dont know when I will come out of this on the other side. I dont know when I can stop coming to a point of silence in my life and stop crying. I want to feel again. But not this pain. I need a life preserver, or something or someone to show me a sign. I need a sign to show me that this is all going to be okay and I am going to come out of this.
I am so terrified that I wil feel like this forever. Numb, disconnected, in pain. It’s like a giant game. How much longer can I make it day to day feeling like this. I have achieved such success financially and with my career. I am esteemed in my field and looked up to by my friends, family co-workers. When will this feeling of not deserving and not being good enough fade? what work do I need to do? I want to do it. I want to work through it.
I am at a loss. A complete loss. I want a hug. And to feel like I can come out of this, smile, laugh, love and be me again. I want to know that this is not all in vain, and that this is exactly where i need to be right now.
Hey GL, Sending you a hug. You know what you describe. I have been there in my life. Do you know what those times that made me feel like that to the depths of despair – where the pain was so absolutely overwhelming I didn’t know how I could go on.
I just want to tell you. Hang in there. Throughout this process you should hopefully learn to love YOU. Do you know what, this is the most magical gift of your life. You are NOT alone. Each of us has a spirit guide who is with us from the very day we are born and stays with us. Just yell out for help!! IF you are that desperate – yell out say you need help.
Sounds stupid but I have found that this worked – I did it twice in my life….. ask for what you need. It is ok. How long this process will take is up to you partially – but also remember that this relationship was a decade of your life. It is now time for YOU. You are so used to putting someone elses needs first. Without this – you might feel an impossible void that is so difficult to fill. But…. i promise that you will. And one day – further down the line – you will look back and think wow how did I get through this? Be so proud of yourself.
Have you tried to exercises that I wrote about in healing and recovery about setting yourself goals. Short term goals – and one long term goal? This will give you something to work towards. It will give your life purpose and focus. As you tick things off you will start to feel a sense of achievement instead of loss. Most importantly it will force you to focus on you. If it hurts go back through those posts – as I wrote about it as I was healing and recovering too…. sending you a hug – tomorrow is a new day – what one thing will you do to make you smile – just ONE thing…. start off small and huge things will happen. You just have to believe!! 🙂
Hi GL,
When I read about how many major changes you were experiencing, I wondered when it would all fall down. Having been there, I know the “new” gets replaced by isolation, loneliness, fear, and a wonder about it all.
I definitely relate to how you are feeling. I remember sitting on the back stairs outside my office, just completely sad and bewildered. Once, I got caught crying by a delivery person bringing in food. He sat down beside me on the stairs and told me I was too beautiful a person to be so sad. He showed me pictures from his wallet of his family saying, if he hadn’t been married, he would definitely ask me out. He was a very kind-hearted person.
But, like you, I needed a hug. A sense of belonging. To be loved. So, I thought. The real truth is, you WILL be okay. You are okay now. I’m so proud of you that you are in a successful career, you managed a move on your own, and are doing such tough things. You are a very strong, capable person.
It is easy to wonder if you are just invisible as people go on with their day, seemingly oblivious. You are just on some unsteady ground right now. I promise, it won’t last forever.
Unfortunately you are learning this terrible lesson the hard way so, that you never repeat it again.
The worst part is the ‘knowing’ & then the ‘dealing’ with the knowledge.
You have done so much & you should be proud of yourself 🙂
You are empty right now but, that’s a good thing:)
More good is going to come & fill up that void I can promise you that 🙂
I know it seems insurmountable but, believe me I wish I had learnt this lesson at your age rather than now, as I went on to repeat patterns & accept the unacceptable up until now 😦
Still here we all stand, stronger, wiser & more resilient 🙂
As life throws stuff at you, catch it & throw it back!
You have a bright future, your just feeling your way along but, you are not alone. You have yourself & a deeper appreciation of ‘self awareness’ so, you are ahead of many others.
You’ve been given a ‘heads up’, on personality traits & behaviors that will shield you in future so, thank the universe & open your arms & embrace your new beginning.
Like a newborn, feed your soul & your life with positive & productive people.
Change your name from ‘Gasligted’ to Reignited 🙂
Keep the faith, I’m waiting to hear how great the story of GL can be 🙂
I dont know what my deal is lately. Aside from going through massive life changes. I feel like I am waking up to myself more every single day. And its a lot. I have reflected back on this year, and am just in awe. Some days, I look around and wonder how the hell I got here.
One consensus I have come to in the last few weeks is that I am incredibly hard on myself. I am unsure how and why. But I have heard it from numerous unrelated people that I am “too hard on myself”. I still dont know what that means for myself, but I am working on understanding and lightening up on myself.
This whole mess of a year has been so enlightening. I have moved 3 times, sold all my belongings, quit my dream job, lost my best friend, lost my spiritual mentor, lost my boyfriend of the time to my 10 year on and off again soc, lost my pride, lost my morals, lost my sense of community where i was living (saw his face everywhere) and have just lost my footing. I am excited to be re-inventing and re-building myself. I cant help but wonder how the hell I got here though.
Pos, I have done some of the recovery work, although not lately. I will have to work on that this week. I have been forcing myself to go out and meet people, even on days/nights where I might just want to lay down. I have more or less just been writing down “facts” vs “feelings” of the last year, to sort of see it on paper. As sometimes I dont believe my own reality.
Jusa, yes, it has been a bit chaotic. My soul has taken me here, based on gut feeling and circumstances, but i have to admit, this year has been bat shit crazy. I have moved 3 times. Mom in and out of surgery. Lost my 2.5 year boyfriend to my on again off again soc of 10 years who said we were “meant to be”. So, I left a great guy to re-connect and start a life with my soc. Discovered he was also starting lives with many others. Quit my dream job. Sold my shit. Moved across the country. Started a new career in a city I dont know with people I dont know. Lost my best friend. THen lost my spiritual mentor who wanted “nothing to do with me” while I was with my soc (some mentor, huh?). Its like, everything that was important to me at the beginning of the year has been ripped from me.
Maybe I asked for this. I was never fully happy before. Maybe i asked for this renewal. And maybe all this destruction was necessary for it. I dont know
I am doing my best, day in and day out. I wish there was a fast forward button. And God damn it, as prideful as this sounds, I just want confirmation that I cross his mind. I dont care about no contact or ever seeing him again. I just want that knowingness that I will be burned into his head. Or at least cross his mind. I want verification of my existence in his life and in his mind. I want that validation. For me. I’m not sure if I will ever get it. Which I have to be okay with. But, in the lonliest days, through all of his lies and bullshit. Through all of his women. Through all of his games. I want him to close his eyes at night and have a thought of me. Sorry if that is pathetic, but its true.
I hope all of you are doing well this week. A new week. Inhale. Exhale.
**oops..sorry for the repeat info paragraph. At work now and zoning in and out of focus. Another indication on where my mind is 😛
@Gaslighted – I am so sorry that you have gone through so much. I think that what I’ve gone through is small compared to many others, so if I was devastated, I can only imagine what other people went through.
I don’t know if this helps, or makes it any easier, but my spiritual advisor said something like “Imagine that YOU orchestrated all of this …” for the purpose of discovering who I really am, to learn how to NOT compromise myself, to learn how to NOT project my needs onto others … At first I was insulted and a little pissed off, but then I realized she was right. The only way out is through, and this process has taught me so much about myself. I hope you find the wisdom in the lesson – when you do, your life will unfold in beautiful ways, even if you think it sucks right now. It will get better.
@Darling. Thank you so much…Hearing this made me realize that I have completely victimized myself. I am no victim. You’re right. I have asked for all this and I have created it. Which means I can re-create it and re-shape my life. Wow. How empowering. 🙂
Ok, I’m glad you weren’t insulted, because that certainly wasn’t my intention.
I don’t know if you “asked” for it per se, but our higher selves are wise and know what we need to “get it” more so than our human selves. Maybe there is a wisdom to it – even though it is awful and cruel in a lot of ways.
When I have looked back on my life, and have recognized the same repeating pattern in my relationships with men (giving too much of myself to men who aren’t worthy of me), I realize that this last relationship was SO extreme because that’s what I needed to learn the lesson. I can’t expect someone else to give me the love, devotion and respect that I don’t give myself – so it all starts with me. And there are days (as in, this morning), when I think “WTF – how could I have LET him treat me like that?” But the truth is, had I loved and respected myself enough to be my own best friend, and not project my needs onto him and expect him to be someone he’s not, then he wouldn’t have gotten past the front door.
You see, it used to make me very uncomfortable the way he talked about his exes, and before him, I always thought “A man who does that has not accepted responsibility for his part in the failed relationship”. So, I knew there was a lack of integrity by his words and actions, and by how much drama and chaos there was in his life. And I discovered through him that when I interacted with a man who lacked integrity, he didn’t raise himself up to my level, I (sadly) lowered myself to his.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. One of my advisors told me that I was really angry at myself for accepting less than the best, which is what I deserve. She also told me to forgive myself first and foremost. I am at a point where I would love to have a husband or partner, but I’m not going to find a man (or friend etc etc) who values me if I don’t do that for myself first.
GL, this song is for you 🙂
You will be alright, just keep going, your worth the effort & the pain 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@Rob
“I just have no motivation to find someone else or go on dates or anything do you think this is normal its been 5 months now feels more like 1 month?”
——–
I relate to how you feel. I tend to accept change pretty quickly, even when things are tough. This particular relationship hit me like a death. I think it’s because of the depth and importance I gave to the false promises. We are putting to rest the things we *believed* we needed to be happy. The truth is, these dreams we have don’t make or break us as a person. They may be very good/reasonable things to desire in life and for ourselves, but in fact, they do NOT define us, or their absence make us incomplete as the person(s) we were created to be. I didn’t even fully realize this myself until now, but I feel assured this is one reason we mourn what we feel as loss… and I think it has less to do with them and who they are (since, in many cases, they ain’t been that cool) than it has to do with us.
Immediately following a breakup you may find things to do during this initial period after
the relationship. Gentlemen, I will update my relationship blog!
Still a pretty high percentage either way you look at
life and see negative, unhappy things everywhere, then guess what?
As such, an individual has to make the other person
feels loved, accepted and appreciated in the process of mastering it.
I am being pursued by the police for my boyfriends calls/lies to the police. I need advice. I was beaten with hospital records to back this up. this has been going on for years.
Hi, am so sorry to read that you are going through this. But remember that no charge can go through without proof. Whilst lies roll of the sociopaths tongue (to get you into trouble so that they can have ownership of you)…. He can lie but he needs proof to back up his lies. Remember that sociopaths rule and own people using (fake) love and fear….. So do not display any emotion (so he cant get satisfaction) – hopefully his lies will not stack up with the police. Without proof.
@ Sweet Freedom
Clever, but powerless words unless you decide to empower him. Nobody owns your heart or soul without your permission, and by all accounts, I’d say you’ve revoked yours.
thanks for your thoughts, having a hard time with emotions today. we dated for 4 months, he asked me to marry him on the third date……i thought his stare was him just being a deep emotional guy, he cried very easily. i ignored all red flags because i was broken from my divorce. he bombarded me with flattery, attention, ph. calls, texts……couldnt wait to be with me every minute. he even had me putting on his shoes and socks for him without me even thinking about what i was doing. told me he broke all kinds of hearts and a lot of people were hurting now without him. i was told i was the most beautiful, smartest, brilliant most perfect creature to ever walk the planet. when he decided to dump me, he turned cruel, cold and heartless………just like that. he suffered from erectile dysfunction and still thought he was the greatest lover ever……go figure. he was about 60lbs overweight, but lifted weights and was so proud of his giant arms and tattoos…….would embarrass me by wearing tank tops out in public……..(he’s 60)……get the picture?
lol 🙂 my ex spath also had erectile dysfunction and tattoos (religious ones lol 🙂 Yes it is sweet freedom without them now 🙂 Made me remember funny thing… he once sent mail to some girl he met online…. he was making comment on some obviously provocative pics of herself that she sent to him …he wrote : “wow you say your boyfriend had sexual problems… well, I can assure you, when I saw your pics, my reaction was… definite 😮 ”
When I read that I was on the floor laughing :)))) Yes I can just imagine ‘his reaction’ lol
Sociopaths really live in a fantasy world.
lol indeed………the 4 months we dated we hardly did anything or go anywhere, he was in his robe and slippers right after work like a tired old man……..but yet his stories to me were such that he was a romeo rogue with so many women wanting him and so many past lovers……glory days maybe……..
Mine did the same, robe etc…tired old man who was all talk no action.
He is 58 & I met him 10 years ago 😦 I am 8 years younger than him 🙂
He always said what a great seducer/romeo/lover he was but, in reality just a sham. I stayed because I couldn’t face another loss etc…he also made me ill but, that’s something I cannot put up here. I was tied to him for other reasons unfortunately 😦
I am good now & healing with no contact,7 months since I least saw him (yay) etc…& I don’t miss him at all, I just have trouble letting go of the remorse I feel for being duped but, not so bad anymore 🙂
Free at last & better every day 🙂
phx rising……thank you so much for your comments, i am feeling sad and missing him today………i know intellectually what i am doing………but my heart still hurts………i wish i never met him…….live and learn i guess……
Ditto Sweet but, you will be okay 🙂
Just stay No Contact & time will help ease the pain & suffering.
My thoughts are with you today, stay strong & focus on a better more worthy life for yourself.
phoenix rising……does freemason sound familiar? mine was obsessed with his cult brotherhood group, even had a room devoted to all things freemason. another wacky thing…he had at least 5 crucifixes in every room of his house. he made a point to always remind me that to be a freemason you had to be of extra fine character, a good man, citizen and all that other bs.
My Soc is a Freemason & collects Royal Daulton Lady figurines & got very angry when his ex-wife (never divorced) sold some on eBay from a property settlement she got when she finally had enough of him (25 yrs).
I was with him for the last 10 yrs & his son (28yrs old) is his wing man & he collects predator (the movie) figurines!
A really bizarre family & he involved them all in his craziness, his family would call me to cover his lies 😦
My story of how I came to find out is on older comments June 14th in the My Story section, you can have a read if you want?
My Soc is a Commander in the Fire Brigade & a Car Dealer as a second job.
I even completed his Advanced Diploma in Business Management for him!
My guy also made out he was a man of integrity & I stupidly thought he was but, I know the truth now. I tried to expose him & was somewhat successful so, he is really pissed at me & doesn’t contact me which, was my objective!
No Contact from this shallow little man & freedom from his curse!
I am doing well & healing but, it’s been an amazing journey to hell & back.
I hope you are feeling stronger & wiser & freer everyday 🙂
PR……somedays easier than others as you know……mine has been in some form of law enforcement detective work his whole life, he also hinted that he made money from “thug” like jobs…….who knows what the truth is…….but i find myself starting to get a little paranoid, looking over my shoulder, etc. when i think about how he bragged about his contacts and powerful friends and all his knowledge to stalk and find out things about people.
Thank you for chatting with me, it has helped me so much. i always thought i was so aware and smart, and these things only happened to “stupid” women.
Sweet 🙂
Smart women are the name of the game, dupers delight etc…the smarter we are the greater the challenge to break down so, my Soc like yours is powerful etc…even had his Snr Detective best friend call me & other Fireman to cover for him & vouch for him etc…
My Soc is extremely high functioning & likes to use all his followers/enablers to his advantage. I know his ex-mistress & her stepson is a top Queens Counsel & Human Rights Lawyer here in Australia so, he likes to keep his ex on side as
he likes her connections etc…His new OW is a Dr of Sociology & Lectures worldwide on human behavior & is based at a top University here in Melbourne so, even a bigger trophy & wealthy & connected.
So you see, they like smart women, the smarter the more useful to their quest.
Ok, I have to say something here – being a Freemason is not mutually inclusive to being a SP. From what I’ve read on this site, there are thousands of SPs and only a few (on this site) have been identified as such. Would the SP type be attracted to something like this – absolutely – they need to feel “special” and mysterious and elite. It’s like saying all doctors, lawyers or cops are SPs as well, which I’m sure some are, but it’s not a gathering place for them.
Several men in my family have been Freemasons – they’re salt of the earth, honest men for whom I have a ton of respect.
No, of course being a freemason isnt inclusive to an sp, but like you said, I can see how an sp would be attracted to the mysterious group thing…..mine used his membership as a way to show me how special he must be, and what good character he must be….or else he wouldnt/couldnt have become a member. Yes sp’s come in all shapes, sizes, occupations.
They are everywhere & so are we & our connection 🙂
The more we talk, share, exchange, the better awareness we have & hopefully others 🙂
I drew a caricature of my Soc, a short,fat little meatball (he’s Italian) with a big protruding gut (he looked 9 months pregnant) bouncing around on his penis like a Pogo stick….laughed so hard my sides hurt but, really helped me picture him like a cartoon character 😉
Try it, they are not so charismatic then ( LOL)…
PR xoxo
Hi Darling 🙂
I don’t think we said all Freemason’s are Soc’s but, sorry if it looks like that?
I know other Freemasons & have family members way back also so, not pointing the finger at the whole group.
Mine said he was one but, that could also have been a lie? He never went to any meetings that I’m aware of but, who knows??
@PR – thanks – I just wanted to make sure that the bad apples weren’t getting thrown in with the good ones. I know that it is easy to find common characteristics to try and make sense of it all by finding common ground. What a mess. I waver between acceptance and shock – but I know I’ll never make sense of it.
Before I realized what my ex is, I did say to him that it would be impossible to have a functional relationship when one person was so dysfunctional – and that person was him. He was the weak link in “us”.
On another note – I have noticed all of this frigging dating advice sites, and they all make it sound like we as women are to blame for “losing” these guys … we’re not enough “this’ or ‘that”. It pisses me off, because these sites automatically assume that both people in the relationship are functional … I’ve unsubscribed from them because they’re pretty much useless to me.
Anyhow, I’m glad this site exists, because at least I know for sure that while I’m far from perfect, I did give the best of myself to someone who wasn’t capable of a normal relationship. Therefore, it is NOT my fault (or probably anyone else’s on this site) – my only contribution was failing to listen to my gut instinct. Wow. That won’t happen again.
Ditto Darling & I am on the same wave length as you but, don’t give up hope just keep being you & finding your inner joy etc…don’t look for anyone to complete you, you are enough 🙂
We don’t know what’s ahead but, yes we have learned a hard lesson & one we can grow from. We are richer for the experience as harrowing as it is but, I have found greater self awareness & am looking at everything with more meaningfulness so, that’s a good bi-product of the whole saga I think?
Where are you located again? I am in Melbourne 🙂
@PR – thank-you, you are so right. I am in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Friggin’ SPs are a global epidemic, it seems. I am laughing as I write this because it’s sad, but true.
Yes they are global & I’m glad your laughing because, they are global clowns of illusion & are laughable.
Self preservation is the only way to go so,Alberta Canada, you have a friend here in Melbourne Australia…more power to us 🙂 xoxo
I met my ex 3 years ago. I was recently divorced and had told myself that there would definitely be no serious relationships for myself. I am also in a 12 step fellowship and had been clean for 12 years at the time. She is 18 years younger than me and worked in a store nearby I hadn’t ever thought we would date or anything like that. As we talked I told her about my life and she mimicked things she told me she was trying to get straight and leave that life. I told her I had lost a child and she told me her daughter had died also. We ended up dating and immediately my instincts went up when several times she wasn’t there when she had told me to pick her up. There was always an elaborate story about getting stuck at store or that I was supposed to come later and she was mad at me. My previous marriage ended because of infidelity on my ex-wife’s part so I was very suspicious. But being in this 12 step fellowship and believing everyone could change and thinking my responsibility is to help I believed the stories instead of my instinct. Within a month we were quite serious and she told me that her boss hadn’t paid her and she was going to have to move away and wanted to stay with me for a short time she would pay me back. I was told I would be paid back constantly for stuff never have been. After a couple of weeks I was going out of town for my son’s birthday party and she was quite upset. We had not even been together 2 months and with some of the inconsistencies I was not ok with introducing her at that time because I don’t think bringing a lot of people into my child’s life is a good idea. Anyways a few days before I left she told me she was going out with some friends who were in town that night. She never came home or called, the next day I went to work and when I came home all of her things were gone and she had totally cleaned the house. She was an impeccable cook and homemaker, of course extremely beautiful and charismatic. I was heart-broken and I really wish the story ended there … The next few days I received calls from several guys looking for her, I thought that was really strange. She had always unplugged the phone when I was home saying that we didn’t want to be interrupted.
Within a couple of weeks we made contact on social media and she told me she left because she I was going to reunite with my ex-wife and go to my child’s birthday, nothing could be further from the truth. She would tell me every weekend that she was coming back down and she missed me and so on. Then she calls and she is in jail and she wants me to come up there and be with her in court and she is writing letters and calling all the time. I go up there and the judge releases her under the direction that she is to stay with me. During our relationship she just wishes she had kids but since she had lost her daughter she had ovarian cancer and they had to do surgery and she couldn’t have kids. She was trying to adopt her friends mixed child who had got strung out on drugs. Well the first huge surprise came up … she got pregnant. I guess the surgery and not being able to have kids had changed what a miracle … Since she had left and I had those calls from other men looking for her (she brushed it off saying those were gay friends of hers) I was quite suspicious and put key logger on the computer. I found some very interesting conversations between her and a friend from her hometown about him coming down a weekend I was going to be out of town working. Another with her Mother talking about a child that her mother was caring for that had the same name as the daughter who had died. The other part that was so crazy all these conversations talked about her working and her fictitious life that was nothing like what was reality. I confronted her and she left again. She kept contacting me and told me she wanted to work things out and she would go out of town with me. I again thought we could work things out. A few weeks later when I was visiting my sons here mother drove down to see her over the weekend and accidentally called my phone and said that her daughter couldn’t wait to see her. I was dumbfounded how could she have told me her daughter was dead … especially when she knew I had lost a daughter. When I said something she said because of addiction her family had disowned her and she was dead to her and that was the only way she could cope. Then shortly after I met the child she was trying to adopt the new story was that she had been the surrogate mother for her friend because she couldn’t carry the baby. Then the story was she was raped and he was conceived. The final story is that was another guy she had dated who was a drug dealer and they had a child together but she was ashamed. I feel like if we didn’t have a child on the way maybe I could have walked away. At this time she was going back and forth to her hometown to see her daughter and later I found seeing ex-boyfriends, then at 7 months pregnant she started a fight out of nowhere. I learned this was her ploy to leave was to create a fight and blame it on me and leave. She disappeared for 4 days and when I checked with the people she said she was with it was a lie. Our daughter was born surprisingly healthy and wonderful. Things were ok for about a month and then she went back into full blown active addiction. I remember at this time I was speaking with her mother and told her that was her problem the substances and when she got away she would be fine. Her mother told me she had been diagnosed at a young age as a Sociopath. That meant nothing to me and I convinced myself that she just needed to get clean and it would be ok.
After Christmas that year we were visiting her father and things were so chaotic, and she had her daughter with her and our daughter and my sons were with me at here fathers house and she went out with her sister and just left. I did get emergency custody of our daughter and she ran in full blown addiction. One thing in these posts that really struck me about having a child with a sociopath is that they will use contact with the child as a ploy to contact and manipulate you. After 7 months apart she claimed she was ready to get clean she had seen the error of her ways. I guess I should mention a few months before she actually had me jailed for criminal domestic violence which was a complete fabrication, but the court said unless she came and told them is was a false charge they couldn’t do anything so they just dropped the charges. We started back in and I guess by this time she had really figured out the angles and all the things to tell me what I wanted to hear. Still when I went out of town on business things would get strange and she said it had to do with addiction and she planned those times out, but this summer everything looked different. We had some problems in that the person who once wanted sex all the time now only wanted it when we would have a lot of controversy to settle things down. when I went out of town this time she told me she had messed up but only had a couple drinks. It just didn’t ring true to me and I told her that she would have to come out and just tell me the truth good, bad, and ugly because I obviously never got that. Amazingly within a couple hours someone we know who was having a terrible fit of conscience admitted that her and him had planned every detail about how and when they would get together while I was gone. He was shocked when I had called her and she just stopped what she was doing and just started into regular everyday conversation with me after telling him these stories about how horrible things were between her and I. I realized at this point this was the same exact behavior that occurred from day one. When I told her this she told me that there was no way that happened and I was only saying it because I was cheating on her and didn’t want to be with her.
I went to the internet and looked up how to break up with a compulsive liar … and the word sociopath kept popping up. So I kept reading. Thanks everyone for taking the time to share your story it let me know I wasn’t insane and that what I was experiencing was something that happens everyday. I could never find the truth on my own and walk away but seeing that there is no way that things could ever change was so important. I know that I will have a child to raise with her. As has been posted she is very possessive although she doesn’t have custody of her other two. The knowledge that whatever she tells me is just a manipulation takes so much power from it. I also have a sense of peace reading so much of this and even though I want to be mad I could no more be mad at a person for having autism, or diabetes, or cancer. It simply is how she is, she doesn’t even know that there is anything wrong with it so I can approach the future without a spirit of hate just detachment knowing that there can never be future there. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share this, I hope you find your peace and healing.
Hi eyesopened. You know that is the best way to go forward. This is why the truth will set you free. Because there is no need for hatred. It is just the way that she is. It isn’t personal. Its just business to the sociopath. They will be the same with someone else. You are free. Thank you for sharing your story 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story & I am sorry to hear you have endured so much & are tied to her via your wonderful child.
Still something good has come out of your union & you should be proud that you are keeping & maintaining your daughter, she deserves that 🙂
I never really correlated the Autism factor like a Sociopath Factor but, it makes sense & really does change your perspective.
They can’t help being the way they are just as autistic/aspergers etc…so, I agree we shouldn’t hate but, feel sorry for them as I wouldn’t like to have a disordered mind.
Although some days the Soc experience leaves me scattered to the wind but, I am healing well & hope that you are also 🙂
I’ve been looking at this site for about a week now and I’m sooooo glad I found it. My only regret is that I didn’t know about it years ago when I encountered my first psychopath. Psychopaths and sociopaths appear to be somewhat the same based on what I’ve been reading. I have managed to involve myself in 4 psychopathic relationships (not knowing of course that this was their issue until it was much too late) and it has been nothing short of a nightmare. I almost lost my life after being involved with 2 of them. I was stalked, which is why I’m in a different state right now to get away from that lunatic.
Sometimes I think I actually attract them to me. I even took the quiz on this site and my results confirmed I was a target for psychopaths. I really need to know how to stop this cycle. It almost happened again when psychopath #5 belonged to the same church that I was attending, and would STARE at me for the WHOLE sermon. He was always sitting on the other side of the room about 3 or 4 rows behind me, but I always felt him staring CONSTANTLY. This went on for a whole year and he never once said a thing to me (other than the usual, “hello, how are you?”). His job sent him overseas and I remember once (before I knew he was a psychopath), giving him a hug and saying “I missed your hugs, I’m glad that you’re back”. He just stared at me in shock because we’ve never said anything to each other before. All he did was laugh very nervously. I liked him, but I never once led him to ever believe this. I never looked his way or anything, but I could see his eyes watching me constantly. I’d also feel these very intense sexual vibes from him as well. I’d have a couple of sexual thoughts about him at night, but when I’d see him in person, they would absolutely NEVER occur. It was as if I wasn’t really attracted to him, but was only attracted to idea of him liking me and showing me attention. I’m very easy on the eyes myself and have been complimented a lot on how beautiful I was, which is very nice, but I never let things like that go to my head. I want someone of substance who can see past the exterior and want me for me. He’s very popular and always talks constantly to everyone (men and women) in the church, but he’s never spoken more than 3 words to me the whole time. He seems to be very nervous around me, but sometimes he seems more bold as he stares and don’t care that I notice him staring at me.
A friend who attends there knew him and told me how nice he was in a simple conversation we were having. I noticed that there’s a girl at the church who really likes him, and she’s gorgeous. Nice body, beautiful face, and everyone in church knows and adores her and she’s very friendly, but she has somewhat of a dry personality. My friend said, “but he doesn’t want her.” Whenever I saw him, she was never too far away from him, yet there he was, looking at me constantly, even with her nearby. I left it at that because I didn’t want to raise my friend’s suspicions about my liking him. Nobody knows and I wanted to keep it that way. So anyway, the reason I believe he’s a psychopath is because he’d idealized me for awhile, then the next week, he’d look at me as if I was trash, then the next week, I was idealized again, then trash, almost as if he hated me. I couldn’t tolerate the stress any longer because he was making me feel worthless during those times, so 2 weeks ago, I left the congregation and now I attend elsewhere. Each time he’d come in with the other men to take a seat, I’d look at him and get very “cold” vibes from him. He’s nice to my sister when he “likes” me, but on my “trash” week, he doesn’t want to bother even shaking her hand. There’s another girl at church who has known him for years and she told me that all of the other women at the church (the single ones, that is) all want to talk to him, but they’re all so nervous because they don’t want to be rejected. I have seen over the past year how he has really tried to get my attention and get me to notice that he is attracted to me, but I don’t give him the time of day. It’s been a whole year, and he’s still at “home base” because I’ve never felt comfortable enough to start a conversation with him so he can get to 1st base with me. I just won’t allow it to happen. Something inside of me was terrified to do it. Anyway, this girl who knows him well told me when the girls tell her that they want to talk to him, he simply says, “Well, tell her to come and talk to me.” But in my case, I won’t approach him to talk to him at all. I sometimes believe this is where I am “trash” to him. It appears that he is beside himself because all of the girls want to talk to him BUT ME. I’ve only been there a year and the other girls have been there an average of 7 years or so. The pickings are pretty slim there and he knows that. My friend said he wants lots of babies (I’d say he’s about 35-37). I’m 50 so there’s no way I will have babies and although I don’t believe I look 50, I certainly don’t believe I look like I’m in my 20’s, 30’s or even early 40’s. So what else could he have been after? I have to admit that I do believe I created myself to be a target because I always sat by myself and I never seemed to look very happy (although I did to me, others said differently) and maybe he took notice of this. I’m very nice and friendly, and I’m an avid church-goer, but not very sociable – I’m just too shy, but I’m trying real hard to come out of it. I’ve been that way all of my life, so it’s a process, but maybe he latched on to that and saw it as a weakness.
I get really confused because on one hand, he appeared to be very strong in his beliefs and wouldn’t dare have pre-marital sex, but on the other hand, the way he looks at me and the sexual vibes I get from him tell a completely different story. I always want to think the best of everyone. I know this sounds naïve, but I really do. Sometimes I get sad when I think about it because somehow I believe all he wanted from me was sex and then he’d throw me away, but I didn’t allow him to do that so it seems he had to “throw me away” in his mind in order to satisfy his ego (or better yet, his psychopathic urges). Although nothing transpired between us all of this time, I actually feel so refreshed now that I’m not around him. I no longer feel the stress that came from being idealized and then thrown away over and over. My self-esteem had really started to take a beating. Am I nuts or what? No relationship took place – he didn’t tell me degrading things – he didn’t officially invite me into his web, but I honestly feel it was there, waiting on me to fall in some way and somehow. I feel that he was a snake coiled and ready to strike me, but somehow I managed to back up real slow (by physically leaving) and got out of danger’s way.
Maybe it was the previous relationships that I’d been in that caused my “red flags” to be raised. Maybe I’m paranoid because of them. I do still think about him and wished he’d been the right one but the reality of it all is that he wasn’t. The good thing is I never saw him around town before I began attending that church, so I know I’ll never have to worry about seeing him again because I have no intentions of ever returning there again. In the back of my mind, I can’t help but feel that I somehow dodged a bullet.
Again, I ask, “Am I nuts” even though nothing concrete ever went on between me and this guy?
Why do I feel deep down so fortunate to have “gotten away”…….but from what?
Again, I’m glad to be here and I look forward to having a healing experience because I really need it. I’ve read so many stories and I can definitely relate and it’s good to know I’m not in this alone.
Thank you for this web-site, I have just been discarded after 6 vile years of what feels like a mental battlefield. I knew there was something not quite right with the person and i put it down to his upbringing and have made excuses for all the lies, deceit, cheating and general treacherous behavior. Right now I feel like in total shock, he is now dating somebody else and i look like the nut job. All I did was fall in love and I’ve been almost destroyed by this person.
Hi starbar, welcome to the site. We all know on this site how painful this is. It can take a while to get yourself back. To come out of the fog of confusion and the mental abuse of what he did to you. Yes – he is with someone else. Not because she is better than you. But for his own narcissistic ego and that he cant be on his own.
Thanks PG, until 3 weeks ago I did not even know what a sociopath was. I just thought he was damaged goods from a bad parental split and then being brought up by his vile father who is an obvious woman hater. It was actually my plumber who was fixing a rad (and knows both me and the soc) he said you do realise he is a soc. so I researched and here I am – and I still have doubts as to whether he is as I still think he is real – but deep down I know he isn’t. Its so hard to comprehend that a person can not feel empathy ??? The positive I take from your web is that I know I can not change this person and if I do not break the cycle – in 10 years I will be in the same but even worse position.
Hi Starbar,
Your not alone & the discard is awful especially after 6 years, mine was 10 years so, you are in good company.
My advice is read as much as you can & learn because you will never get answers from the Soc. Get support, friends, Drs, psychologist’s, medication or anything that will help you through the dark days.
I looked like a nut job when I came out fighting & tried to expose mine as I had only found out via the OW. I met the OW because she had asked to meet me & I thought he was going to get his comeuppance but, alas I think it was ‘torture by triangulation’ so, she saw herself as the winner & stayed with him? I am glad she set me free & as I processed our relationship & his lies & manipulation I was forced to confront some major battles within myself.
You will be okay & we will help & support you, when did you get discarded?
I am 7 months done the track & feeling good & free so, give yourself time as that is the best healer. It will not be easy & others won’t understand unless they’ve been through it.
You must believe in yourself, you are worthy & these people have no conscience so, don’t even bother to make contact as it will lead to further pain & lies & abuse. No Contact is truly the best & you must try & have faith as you alone can pull yourself through this horrendous time.
sorry i replied at the bottom of screen …………..new to the site today. thanks for your msg x
@star. Sounds like my 3 years. It’s hardest thing I’ve gone thru in awhile. A lot of chaos and drama along w it all. I’ve been discarded 7 times give or take. I count the massive fights as a discard bc he walks away at least overnight. It’s been almost three months this time w his infamous silent treatment. I’ve been hurting pretty good the past week and I was doing so well. It comes n goes. They are crap that’s for sure. Sick perverts that they are. Abusive little demons w no care in the world. (I’m talking myself up today)
Hi judah – I really understand the pain of silence…. I found this one…. aragh it hurts huh? I saw it like the pain of addiction…. and as much as you might want to reach out to stop the pain of silence…. remember that as you are hurting. You are healing (remember like addiction and quitting smoking when you are desperate for a smoke)…. and my god it is like a physical pain you want to reach out to what you are addicted to so that you can switch off the pain. I know that I wrote a lot about it – but I cant find it… there was this one https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/coping-with-pain-after-discard/?s=silence#… take it one day at a time. Small chunks of time. This is the time that you are most at risk of getting drunk and breaking no contact….. so also focus on things to do to stop you breaking no contact (if you are at risk of this) – but also sending you a hug as I know that this is a particularly painful time!! 😦
thanks Judahbug
it feels so good to know i’m not alone. I feel so fortunate to have survived a “would-be” disaster, but I didn’t escape my previous ones and when I think of them, i get very nervous. it shows me that I really need to be careful because if I was a target all of those times, it will happen again if i’m not watching out for myself. I’m so glad to be here among others that understand.
Churches are ideal places for wolves in sheeps clothing. The men know this, and they use this mask as a godly man as a tool to attract their next victim/prey……..right off the bat they know that many women automatically think he must be a good, decent man because he’s at church. My soc had more religious artifacts around his house then I’d ever seen…….I told him upfront I am an atheist, and he laughed and said he could care less………that he wanted me and he always gets what he wants.
sweet freedom, you’re so right – it’s still hard for me to wrap my brain around the idea that he really is not as decent as I thought he was. slowly, but surely, I’m accepting this fact. he really was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Advice please……my soc has some sentimental jewelery of mine (my father’s),,,,I have had to break the no contact……I have politely by text and email asked him to return them please…I returned all of his things………he is giving me the silent treatment……do I just write it off as loss and a lesson? I feel as tho the more I plead with him the more enjoyment and control he will feel……i feel like he is a thief…….and i am struggling to keep my anger contained.
Hi Sweet,
Can you arrange for someone else to collect it for you?
He will use it for leverage so, be careful 😦
Otherwise, do you have photo’s of the items? The Police may be able to help?
Good Luck, thinking of you 🙂
Hi Sweet, I faced a similar situation with my ex. He stole things that were really sentimental in relation to my dead daughter. It broke my heart – and how could he be cruel? He told me that he would give it back to me. He did plenty of stalling for time. This gave him
1. Control
2. A connection to me
3. Power over me
You know there was plenty of stalling for time. Outcome I never got my things back.
Remember they have no conscience – and life is a game. You might wonder how can you do something so cruel – when it means so much to you? ….. truth is they just don’t care. Their value is different to yours.
I don’t know what happened to my things but i think he sold it cash. I never had an answer he brushed it under the carpet.
so my advice – would be let it go. truthfully if he was going to give it you (if he still has it) – he will. whether you are in contact or not. If he isn’t. He won’t. Not ever. And you could be waiting a long time.
You have asked him for it back….. so he knows that you want it. There is nothing more that you can do. You are quite right that he will enjoy the power and control to say that he has these things – or just ignore you. The best thing that you could do for you – is to write it off (if you can) – because if he was going to give it back…. he would…. and if he wanst…. he wouldn’t.
I know the feeling of violation being stolen from. Especially when it has sentimental value – you might want to do a google search (dont freak out) about psychopaths and trophies…..
Its a bit like a serial killer who kills their prey then takes a piece of jewellery as a momento…. that is the way that i saw it…. at the end almost every time he stole something that was sentimental value to me and meant a lot…. just because he could…. it was like he was taking a part of me.. I think that was how he saw it too.
Thank you guys for your comments and supportive strong direction. I was discarded in September, in August we was planning for a baby????? and i was moving in at his place rather than mine. We should have been on holiday in the med right now, but in a space of 24 hours he decided it was over and refused to come on the holiday. Despite going through the same cycle/drama/pattern for the last 6 years – somehow it came as a shock?? I am still shocked. He told me at discard on phone “my time is too precious to waste with somebody I have no plans to be with in the future” (having told me just 24 hours before he loved me) then with 24 hours of the vile phonecall followed by silence he turned up like nothing had happened, told me how great my hair/nails looked and of course I fell for it – he got his sex?? I feel totally stupid as I type this – and then he actually said ‘see you around’ at my doorstep. That was almost 3 weeks ago, there has been no contact since then apart from a few hysterical txtx from me and he said he would call the police on me for harassment OMG???but he is living happily ever after with a new girlfriend, who has even met his family. I just feel shocked as every time it happens it seems worse as its so incredible?
@starbar – I am so sorry you’re going through this.
I have gone through it as well with my ex – he asked me to move in with him (“my space is so much better with you in it”), then broke up with me 8 days later (“I don’t want to be in a relationship”), and was married to someone else 13 weeks after that. (btw – it takes 12 weeks to get approved to get married in Jamaica, which means he was probably already engaged when he broke up with me. What an asshole)
I know you can’t see beyond the hurt and shock right now, but you ARE better off without him. You deserve better than a man who lies to your face, betrays you, abuses your love and trust, and discards you so easily, don’t you think? I was in love with the man I THOUGHT he was, the man he pretended to be. For those of us who are loving and trusting, it is a complete shock how deceiving someone that we love can be.
Even worse than his betrayal is how I betrayed myself by staying with a man who set off my alarm bells and whom I caught in so many lies.
I haven’t had contact with him now for 5 weeks, we had sporadic contact because he owed me money. (he still does, but he’s paid most of it back. )
You know what? I was thinking the other day how much I LOVE my life right now. I feel entirely different than I did 6 months ago, and you have to believe that you’ll get through this and come out stronger and wiser, then you’ll be ready for a man who deserves you.
(and thank God you didn’t have a baby with this man! How terrible would that be to be left when you were pregnant or with a baby. Your angels were watching out for you, I’d say)
Thank you Darling, just had to re-read your msg? And I keep reading the posts of others. It really is unbelievable how socs operate and there seem to be so many of them, I had my place valued and was planning to sell – OMG looking at your story I prob would have ended up homeless. His work buddy of 20+ years has told me from day 1, he is not ‘wired-up right’, and as time went on so did everybody else, but I chose to believe the mask. The hysterical crying at my doorstep saying he still loved me – no mention of the fact his latest woman got out as soon as she had the 1st taste of his other side. And always just as I am ready to start socialising and getting out. Everybody is warning me now – be ready as he will be back. Its just sick, ATM I feel confident to say NO. I have to keep focused that they are the problems – not us. Good luck to us all x
Hi Starbar 🙂
The Soc is very cruel & uses your love for him against you which really hurts 😦
Mine told me in a txt message to ‘move on’ after 10 years, that was it & then he had the audacity to report me to the police for calling him a ‘sleazebag’ which was true 🙂
The policewoman was very understanding after I explained & she told me my txt’s were not inflammatory but, obviously I had hurt his ego & that I should just leave it alone as he wasn’t worth it. (that’s for sure, she was on my side 🙂
The Soc is like a child so, immature & they don’t care one iota what they have done & love to play the pity card themselves.
Just remember you are the grown up here, don’t play his stupid games again & go out & live a bigger & better life.
You can this, we all can & are 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Our stories have many similarities. My ex and i had been living together, we were in the middle of IVF, the day before he told me he loved me and a bit before that we had been talking about how our wedding would be. The day after the IVF egg pick up he told me he no longer adored me and that “he didn’t think he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and therefore didn’t want to waste any more time” Yet we were on our second IVF, talking about marriage, had bought a house and two dogs and furniture together and as far as i knew, madly in love… WTF?!? (although technically he paid for the house). The next day he was on eHarmony. 2 weeks later he had a new girlfriend (and i wonder how many girls were already on the side… i suspect 2 – a work colleague and his ex wife)
For a week after i moved (1.5 weeks after break up) there were some weird texts.. Then a month later a legal email (IVF embryos are mine) and then nothing. Completely like i never existed. 4 months of complete nothing.
The break up was in June. next week would have been our 2 year anniversary. but funnily enough, when i realised this today, it really didn’t effect me. I am ready to begin my new life, sociopath free!
The same pattern, the same cycle I am living right now it too. One day is “I love you” “you are special” hours after he said it is like he never said anything.
you should write about what they call “hovering” (and “they”, not sure who exactly). I have been researching narcism more along with sociopathy and a few different times the term “hoovering” came up, as a specific strategy for when and how the sociopath (or narc) will come back into ones life. What they look for, why they do it, what to expect, how to handle it…Its like, “No Contact” but on steriods, and actually helps arm us (well me, anyway) for the if and when he does return so I can see the situation more clearly, etc, instead of chalking it up to “wow he must have really loved me/missed me”
Sorry, meant to post this in your “suggestions” post, but cant locate it for some reason! Would love to hear your spin on hoovering and in your words
That it’s so true. They are always playing a game of control and power. My ex texted yesterday after weeks of silence. I ignore him. He sends more texts. I ignore him. He called I didn’t respond. He send another text saying that he tries to communicate but I’m a child that doesn’t want to communicate, that he hopes that I grow up so I can be happy….ufff!!!!
He doesn’t know that I am growing up not allowing that my love for him controls me. Not allowing myself to beg for the love that he never will give.
Good Girl & yay you for staying No Contact 🙂
He’s such a chump & immature 😦
You are a grown up & don’t play his silly games, it must be driving him nuts that you are not buying his BS anymore. LOL 🙂
Keep the faith, you deserve someone that respects & treats you with honesty &
dignity.
The fact that he accuses you of acting childish is him talking to himself remember they say what they are doing but, make out it’s you!
Heh he probably isn’t used to it – victims not calling him begging for information or closure….. what he doesn’t know is that you do not need to speak to him for information or closure – as if he is a sociopath he is just following sociopathic behaviour. You are therefore the winner…. I hope that gives you a smile 🙂
Dating a Sociopath 
Hi,
I’ve just discovered that the only man I have trusted in 10 years is an sp. I met him when I was with someone else and he quickly declared his love for me. I was very much in love with the other guy but he cheated on me and I ended it.
I tried to make it work with the sp in question but I found it hard to trust him and I was still pining for the other guy so I ended it.
The sp kept coming back, begging me to give it another try. Sometimes I would think ‘maybe’ and we’d sleep together (only for me to realise my mistake) but more often than not I’d send him packing.
He has always insisted that I am the only woman he could ever truly love and I finally decided to give it a go with him. I found out a month ago that he got married and has a kid! He has been with her since 2006 (when he was begging me to give him another chance) and has been lying to me the whole time. He has made me complicit in an affair when he knows how much I hate infidelity.
He watched me fall apart when my ex cheated on me and kept telling me how much he hated him for hurting me! I believed it. I thought he was, at the very least, a trusted friend. I think back now to all the phone calls in the middle of the night, him crying and telling me he hated his life without me and I know I should have spotted the warning signs.
He asked me to move in with him last October (before I had decided I wanted to be with him). When I found out about the wife I asked him if I was going to live in a secret cupboard. He told me they had split up. I have since spoken to the wife and this is not true. I don’t think, for one minute, he thought I would tell her but I decided to after he had said that he wished she would die in a car crash and that he wished his child had never been born. I haven’t told her these things yet. I don’t know if I should.
Thing is, I only decided to give it a go with him because I had given up hope of ever finding anyone else. And that is still there. It’s so hard to explain as I never really liked him that much but I believed that he loved me and now I feel like I can’t trust the ground beneath my feet. All I seem to be able to do is cry and smoke. The web of deceit is unbelievable. I’m scared I’m broken forever 😦
Hi it is not true, you are not broken forever – although it might feel like this right now. It can and does get better. But learning to trust again can be difficult. The trick is to learn to trust yourself again. Welcome to the site!! 🙂
😦
I figured out about 5 years ago that my ex was a sociopath. We were together for a year and a half. He was my everything. We had a very strong physical connection. But there were sooo many red flags and I wish I had trusted my instincts. If these things are happening in a relationship, you might be dating a sociopath:
-losing weight because you can’t eat because you are constantly anxious about your relationship
-he texts you and you text him right back and then he never responds.
-you tell him you are sick and he says, That’s too bad.
-he never tells you the same story the same way–there are lies, but you can’t figure it out
-you think you are going crazy
-somehow you are always to blame, the out of control one, the paranoid one, etc.
-you are in the process of cooking him an extravagant meal, when he calls to tell you he’s not coming because it’s his mom’s birthday and they are grilling so you should come over. And you actually go.
-he thinks it’s cute when you cry or are angry
-he is constantly asking you about if he looks good, etc.
I was devastated when I finally broke up with him. I begged him to come back. I suffered for a long time with feeling way insecure (which came out as jealousy-something I had never dealt with before) and feeling inadequate. And I couldn’t get over him. I GOT MARRIED AND I WAS STILL CALLING/TEXTING HIM SOMETIMES “JUST TO SAY HI”. What an idiot (me). I even met up with him once for coffee. NOTHING happened, but man, there was that old tension and charisma again. The last time I contacted him was a year and a half ago—-7 years after we broke up.
Yes, I’m in therapy now. He wasn’t worth it (yet it so felt like he was).
I am so sorry for your suffering…I too was another victim of a Sociopath however this was my FIRST AND LAST!!!!
It all began in 2009 when I was married and living in my hometown. I got a notice that this “person” had visited my profile. I hadn’t seen or heard of him in about 20 years. We graduated from the same high school together and grew up in the same small town. We had worked together briefly while working a summer job while we were home from college. While I didn’t know him in high school (we graduated with approx. 800 students), I was dating one of his friends and this is how I met him…
He was nice and charming in 1988 the last time I had seen him. I heard he married a local girl and that was about it, He seemed nice back then so I figured I would say “hi” and see how life was treating him. At this time my marriage was still in tact, so he had NO IMPACT ON MY DIVORCE.
I sent him and email to say “hi” and he replied right away. MISTAKE NUMBER 1..
He told me about being divorced for 14 years and that he never remarried, had a beautiful daughter, blah blah blah…
A year had passed and my husband shocked me with plans to divorce…I had been thinking about it for years because we married for the wrong reasons but I was trying to honor my commitment and vows.
That was in July 2010. THE NIGHTMARE STARTS HERE…
I was 42 years old, no children (my ex did not want children) and coming out of a failed, miserable marriage. I hadn’t married until I was 34..My therapists and everyone around me told me I “settled” because I didn’t think I deserved someone attractive and nice….lol…..Does that man even exist???
I emailed “B” and asked for advice from a man’s perspective. Most of my friends had been divorced but I wanted a man’s point of view…
B and I exchanged emails for the next few months. He offered great advice and to hang in there….We tried to get together however our schedules never permitted until December 11, 2010….HATE THIS DAY!!!!
We met for lunch at noon on a Saturday. As friends….I had only known that he was “dating” some older women who was 51 (B and I were 42)…She was a drunk, with 2 college degrees, living off of her ex husbands money in a huge expensive house in the area…
I was very excited to see him, as a friend. The red flags started going off as soon as I walked into the restaurant. He was sitting at the bar with his back to the door. I thought this friendly reunion would be a little more “welcoming” however as soon as he turned around I immediately saw a different B!!!
Of course he had aged but he still was attractive….besides I was only going to meet a friend for lunch..that’s it……
He didn’t even get up to hug or greet me…He sat there looking like someone had killed his puppy (btw, he hates animals)…..
I being the nice, honest, carling and loving person tried to fake my disappointment but that was quickly interrupted when his phone kept ringing and text messages started pouring in.,.RED FLAG!!!
I then hands me his phone and says “listen to this”…it was the drunk 51 year old “C”…..lol…I was thinking the same thing…how did he end up with this one???
She left a message with only 2 words…..”call me”….but she sounded drunk, drugged, desperate and insane all at the same time..
I couldn’t believe my ears and I looked at him and said OMG, what is her problem??? He dismissed it and said “she’s crazy”.
We had a “nice” lunch…lol.. but it was not the friendly “how have you been doing for the past several years” lunch I was planning on.
He was disconnected and totally distracted…He tried to make me think he was excited to see me but I could tell he wasn’t..due to this C woman…ugh.
BTW She was the nastiest, bleached blonde, disgusting woman I had ever seen..Yes I ended up seeing pics of her…unfortunately…
We left the lunch with a “hug” blah……..and I had hoped that this C woman was a past indiscretion that he had…I was wrong….I trust the wrong people and he knew EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING…HE HAD ME HOOKED BECAUSE WE HAD BEEN FRIENDS YEARS PRIOR AND I WAS COMING OUT OF A FAILED MARRIAGE WITH WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS LOW SELF ESTEEM…THIS WAS HIS FIRST MISTAKE.NEVER ASSUME “B”….
We texted for the next 5 days just friendly and on Thursday, December 16th he texted me early and asked if I could talk. Of course, me being the nice person said yes…He called and said he and “C” had the worst fight the night before and it was over. HA!!!! Right…..
Well, here’s where I get mad at myself…..against my better judgment and HAD I KNOWN WHAT I DO NOW… I WOULD HAVE NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS SAID WHAT I SAID NEXT….
This is where I blame myself….I suggested that we maybe consider dating….ugh…..my marriage was lost and he had already filed papers….I didn’t want to date or plan on it but “B” was seemingly a great choice….yeah right…..not at all!!!!
We had our first “date” on Saturday December 18th….this is very painful writing this..my stomach hurts every time I talk about him and this fateful day….
THE SECOND WE SHIFTED FROM FRIENDS TO DATING IT ALL CHANGED..AND BY SECOND I MEAN SECOND..
THE LAST 2 1/2 PLUS YEARS HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY STOLEN FROM ME!!!!
I HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK FROM TYPING RIGHT NOW BEFORE I PASS OUT….THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING AND THERE IS SO MUCH MORE THAT WILL BLOW EVERYONE’S MIND BUT I WANTED TO CONNECT WITH OTHER VICTIMS TO TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME AND MY LIFE SINCE “B” CAME INTO IT AGAIN..
ALL I CAN SAY IS:
1. HE IS STILL ON SEVERAL ONLINE “DATING” SITES.. I CALL THEM “HOW HE FINDS HIS NEXT VICTIM” SITES…..
2. HE TORTURED ME ENDLESSLY WITH CONSTANT LYING, GAME PLAYING, WORD WIZARDRY, CONTROL, BLAME, SINCE DECEMBER 2010.
3. I TRIED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM ON DECEMBER 31, 2010 AFTER I HAD SUSPECTED HIM OF LYING ABOUT NOT TALKING TO OR SEEING THIS “C”: DRUNK WOMAN….HE FINALLY RELAXED AFTER WE HAD A NICE NEW YEARS EVE DINNER AT A VERY NICE LOCAL RESTAURANT….I GOT UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND WENT DOWNSTAIRS TO SEE IF I COULD FIND HIS PHONE…WHICH HE HAD SEWN TO HIS CHEST LIKE IT WAS A PERMANENT FIXTURE..LOL..
WHAT I SAW WAS SO DISGUSTING…HE HAD GRAPHIC SEXUAL PICS OF HIM AND “C” ON THERE I IMMEDIATELY DROPPED THE PHONE, WANTED TO VOMIT, AND SNUCK UPSTAIRS TO GATHER MY STUFF AND LEAVE WITHOUT HIM KNOWING..
HE HEARD ME AND SAID” WHAT’S WRONG?” (PLEASE LIKE HE REALLY CARED BUT REMEMBER I HAD NEVER KNOWN OR DATED A SOCIOPATH EVER!!!!)
I TOLD HIM I HAD TO LEAVE AND HE IMMEDIATELY ASKED IF I HAD LOOKED AT HIS PHONE…YES I KNOW, I INVADED HIS PRIVACY BUT IF I HAD IGNORED THE RED FLAGS THAT LED TO IT, I WOULD NEVER HAD PROOF…I NEEDED PROOF BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIM AS A FRIEND FIRST AND FOREMOST…
RIGHT AWAY I TRIED TO LEAVE AND HE GRABBED ME, HE STARTED TO CRY, YES CRY A 42 YEAR OLD MAN, AND SAID THE FATAL TO A “SAVER” LIFE MYSELF…”PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME, I NEED YOU!!!!!”
THAT WAS IT…..I WAS HOOKED…..UGH…..
WE WERE THE WORST PAIRING IN THE HISTORY OF MEN AND WOMEN!!!!
I WILL POST MORE LATER BECAUSE I WANT EVERYONE TO BE AWARE OF HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN TRICK EVEN THEIR CLOSEST FRIENDS, FAMILY, COWORKERS, EVERYONE!!!!
MY STORY IS LIKE EVERYONE’S ON HERE BUT WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES SHARE….I AM TRYING TO START A SUPPORT GROUP IN THE PITTSBURGH, PA AREA…
THESE PEOPLE NEED TO BE STOPPED…THEY CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE TO VICTIMIZE WOMEN,,,,I AM SO DISGUSTED THAT OUR LEGAL SYSTEM HAD FAILED AT PROTECTING WOMEN LIKE MYSELF WHO NEVER SUFFERED PHYSICAL ABUSE FROM A SOCIAPATH LIKE “B”, BUT THEY DIDNT CONSIDER MY EXTREMEME MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE SERIOUS ENOUGH FOR A PROTECTION FROM ABUSE ORDER…
STORY TO BE CONTINUED…I JUST WISH TO GOD THIS WASNT MY LIFE BUT SADLY ENOUGH IT IS….
Kim sounds like we had the same guy. I found websites. Gay sites transsexual sites. The lies. Excuses. The crazy ex girlfriends. it’s always everyone else’s fault. Never him. I spoke with a bisexual male he had been texting. I spoke w a woman he wanted to teach him how to wear makeup. I spoke to another lady who picked him up and took to her house 5 min after I dropped him off for work. He hated my friends and family. Hated my church. UR story and his lines are exactly the same. My story is out here too. And everyday I remember more if the things he is over the past 3 years. He abandoned me no less than 7 times. I was gullible and let him back each time
Hi Kim 🙂
You are not alone & yes many of us have similar stories & yours is eerily similar to mine…we are all in the same boat but, keeping it afloat 🙂
You will be okay, I bounded from a 19 year miserable marriage straight into my Soc’s arms. That was 10 years ago, I’m 50 now & finally realizing all my mistakes…better late than never 🙂
You must focus on your healing, not saving the world. Save yourself first & the rest will follow, I promise you that 🙂
We are all here for you so, vent, scream (in italics) & laugh with us as we all feel your pain.
Be Strong 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
Yup. Those are just the key flags… and the warning signs that are mostly on the surface when you are getting to know the Sociopath in the early stages. Sociopaths talk about love, romance and the perfect relationship…but their actions always speak very differently.
Hey Lux 🙂
They role play, say etc…whatever they need to make them believable otherwise they are nothings! The greatest illusionists & mine was so into illusion/magic tricks etc…very telling!
Once we realise they are fake, then we start to lose the illusion they create until nothing is left, which is the best part of them, Nothing!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo….stay real always 🙂
Wow. I like your story because I often feel that to be considered to have been victimized by a “sociopath” or narcissist it is as though it has to be an extreme story such as Nikki’s, the creator of the website.
My story is much more subtle and the only thing that makes sense is that he was at least narcissistic personality disorder, and on the spectrum of sociopath.
It is almost as is if the subtlety can be more damaging, because you do not get taken seriously or even take yourself seriously when comparing it to the guy who steals your expensive gold watch, etc.
Nothing like that happened to me, but when all was said and done, it was the worst aftermath of a break up I had had.
I relate to your experience, Celina. I still question if I am the problem instead of him. In fact, at this point, I question everything. This has brought up my experiences in past relationships. Some were very obvious and I suspect sociopathy in at least 1-3 former boyfriends. But today, I was considering the possibility that this has been going on for me much longer than I realized. I’m evaluating every male relationship or interaction I’ve ever had, and I’m mostly wondering if they saw me the way I saw myself or if I have been wearing blinders. I also wonder if my earliest relationships were what I thought they were or if I’ve been fooled for a long time.
With respect to the “subtlety” you mention, I used to put my foot down fast on obviously disrespectful behaviors, even to the point of being harsh or perceived maybe as not being understanding. I just didn’t want to get caught up in anything or go down an unfruitful path. I wonder now if those instincts aren’t spot on, and that I don’t need to know the backstory to even understand my own subconscious warnings. Still, I can’t say I haven’t learned anything with this.
Hey Celina, I don’t think it matters how bad the sociopath was – or your experiences (my experiences in life have always tended to be extreme) – what is important is how it has made you feel. Besides some of them are so subtle so clever – that you doubt it yourself and think – perhaps you are mistaken – sometimes that kind of abuse is worst of all as it makes you doubt yourself and everyone else sees them as the ‘ nice guy’
Ditto what Pos said 🙂
I had the Charismatic ‘nice guy’ but, turned out to be the most awful high functioning Soc I’ve had the misfortune to encounter.
Mine was slow & methodical & gaming & moving etc…10 years later here I am & the depth of the betrayal & lies was mind-blowing.
Still standing & healing, I am proud to be a survivor now & less a victim 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
This is the 3rd time I’m writing this on here because of the stupid WordPress login requirement–I’m exhausted.
And here we go again….
My story:
BACKGROUND:
2 months prior, I broke up with a boyfriend that I had for almost 3 years. We had a great relationship–just wasn’t going anywhere. I have never been able to just be single. Hence…
MEETING MY SOC:
My soc was a refugee from a European country. He had been in the US for four years. He was 22 and lived with his family. One of his close friends also from his country introduced us at a club–she was the sister of his bestie.
The truth? I was initially attracted to my soc’s fantastic looking best friend–who also happens to be a soc. My soc and I started hanging out and even though he wasn’t really that good looking and had a gray front tooth, there was just SOMETHING about him. Yes, he had a sexy accent, spoke another language, had a different culture, all of which were enticing, but he had a confidence, a magnetism about him that was very attractive to me. Things moved quickly on the physical front, which I can’t say was his fault..oops. Anyway, we were together for about a month when he went to Europe with his best friend for the summer.
I was entranced by him. I thought of him all summer and my stomach was so anxious to see him again that I stopped eating. I lost about 5-6 lbs. I stayed home almost the whole summer because I was so anxious. I did go out once with his best friend’s sister–who has known him since childhood. I asked her once if he was kind of a liar–I must have been noticing some things–but she refused to confirm or deny. He did call me while in Europe, quite a few times. He brought me home a vase, which was nice. When he got home to held me tight on his lap and told me he missed me so much and that he never misses anyone. I felt *so special*.
The day after he got home? He informed me he was going clubbing with his best friend. The same best friend he just spent the whole summer with. I was pissed. We started fighting a lot. We broke up. We got back together. He told me if I cheated on him he would know because, “he has eyes everywhere”. Well guess what, asshole? I did cheat on you! And he never knew. I know, I know, it wasn’t right, but it was a challenge to me. Not the sign of a good relationship. He may have twisted my world upside down, but I fought back. I made it hard for him. We fought a lot. I questioned him. I paid attention. I remembered things. I was always on edge. I felt like he was cheating, but I didn’t have any proof.
Here is a list of what we did while together:
-sat on his couch drinking diet coke and watching basketball, which I hate, while he would tell me how good he was at basketball and how he knew so many of the European NBA players because he was on a country basketball team (which was true). But he talked about it constantly–grandiose.
-eating at one of the same 3 restaurants that he would go to. Never wanted to go anywhere else.
-I would go watch him play basketball. To do this, I would shower, pay lots of attention to hair and makeup, and have the perfect sexy, yet properly modest outfit. I was his trophy to show to the guys (funny bc I’m not really anything special).
-Going to clubs. All the freaking time. I didn’t drink because he didn’t drink. His soc bestie went with us 90% of the time. Sometimes he’d call and say, “We are coming in 20 minutes. Be ready.” It was actually kind of exciting.
-Sitting at coffee shops. Constantly.
He never met my friends, because I didn’t have any, really. I spent every waking hour being available for him. My best friend since 12th grade, who lived 1.5 miles away from me? I saw her 1-2 times in 15 months–he told me she wasn’t really a good friend. I didn’t want to do things with anyone else because I wanted to be free for him.
Ways I Compromised Myself:
-slept on my own mattress on the floor because he didn’t want to share a bed with me.
-wore what he wanted me to wear, to please him and make me more attractive.
-got a complex about my butt. He always pointed out girls with nice butts–mine is not. I became horribly insecure about my looks, even though I was dressing up more than ever before.
-I would stay up till 2-3 in the morning with him, regardless of the fact I had to be at work by 7.
-I slept at his house about 80% of the time. Knowing I had to get up and work at 7 didn’t keep him from playing video games with those annoying headsets all night. If I showed irritation, he got really mad at me.
-didn’t drink because he didn’t think we should drink. I started drinking at the end in my rebellion stage.
-he didn’t like swearing, so if I swore he’d fake slap me on the mouth. Who puts up with that?
We broke up once for a week. That week I ate nothing. He froze me out. I finally caved and called his mom and begged her to have him call me. We got back together.
THE END/The Beginning
He rarely came to my house or stayed there. But one night he was going to and I was making dinner. I had never made dinner for him before and I was sooooo excited. I went out and bought about $60 worth of food–and as I was in the kitchen cooking, he called. He informed me it was A.) his mom’s birthday B.) they were grilling and I should come over. When I told him I bought all this food and was cooking for him, he said it was just food and money and who cares? I was livid. But I still went. That night we made up. We were sitting on the couch together being cute. He pointed to his eye, drew a heart in the air, and pointed to me. Oh my gosh, I thought, he loves me!!!!!! He never told me that before. “You love me? Really?” I asked. He laughed in my face, “NOOOOOOO…I LIKE you!” I was so hurt. A few days later I caught him in a stupid lie, told him I couldn’t trust him, was tired of calling/texting and no response, etc. and I broke up with him.
I thought it was over…but it still lasted 7 years…that part? My next post. My hands are exhausted.
Almost the same story of my relationship, it’s like we dated the same guy. Lol.
Sorry “my story” posted twice…I thought I had lost the first one…
I just wanted to say a few things about recovery.
After we broke up I followed my old pattern of dating right away–trying to fix the pain with someone else. It didn’t work. I wish I would have taken 6 months off of dating and just focused on rebuilding myself. My soc and I did have some contact during the first year–texts or messages. He was dating someone else. I was heartbroken.
In the meantime, I met my husband–a month after we broke up. For the first time in my life, I found myself dealing with major jealousy issues–I was so insecure and jealous of my new bf’s exes. I found myself internet stalking them, comparing myself. I had never been like that. I was also really angry and still thought about my soc a lot.
My husband and I got married 18 months after the soc and I broke up. I still didn’t know he was a soc. My marriage wasn’t going well. I got back in contact with my soc, who now lived with his girlfriend. We were exchanging inappropriate texts. We even met up once–for coffee–and the attraction was intoxicating. I managed to get myself out of there fast–nothing happened. But a few weeks later, after some texting, he said he was willing to meet me for sex. I was so, so, so tempted. But I am married. That’s important to me, even if the marriage wasn’t going well and sex was an issue for us. I resisted. Then I ignored my soc for a long time, though my heart still longed for him.
Fast forward 4 years after we broke up—I was still married, but still occasionally texting my soc. Just to “check-in.” I still pined. THAT’S the kind of spell I was under. At one point, we texted and then talked on the phone. I lived far away from him–thankfully. The conversation went from catching up to reminiscing to becoming suggestive. He just wanted to talk about sex. I told him my mom had been sick, he literally said, “Oh, that’s too bad.” and then wanted to talk about sex. I remember thinking, “He doesn’t care about me–he cares about sex.” Later in the conversation I told him I felt like we were destined to be back together when we were old. He said no, because we’d be old and wrinkly and the sex wouldn’t be as attractive. That’s when the mask came off for me. He didn’t love me–it wasn’t a tragic love story.
We still texted occasionally after that. I would just miss him so much, just want to talk to him. I was still married. I had a baby. I decided to break off contact with him. When he texted me, I’d see the number and immediately shut my eyes and delete the msg. I didn’t even read it. It was so so so hard, but it worked…for a while.
The last time I texted him was Jan. 2012. It was still so exciting for me. I felt EXACTLY like I had when we were together–so nervous, couldn’t eat–constantly checking my phone for msgs. And it was the same pattern. I text him, wait 5-10 minutes for his response and then txt back right away…he said he would call me later that day…and he never did. I felt like I finally let go after that.
I haven’t had contact since, though sometimes I look at his FB page–I do that with just about everyone, so I don’t feel bad about it. I kind of wonder how and why he got so under my skin….
So, my point is that it takes time, A LOT of time, and mistakes too. The healing process from this relationship has been mind boggling. I can’t describe the damage.
…
Thank you positivea. It just seems like all I can do is cry. His wife wanted to speak to me this time last week but now she has disappeared. He must have given her a right load of flannel but I have sent her a bunch of his emails so if she has fallen for it then I’ve got little sympathy for her. I’ve just proven that he has been cheating on her since they met. I think she thinks she can fix him. I guess all I can do is be there on the day she finally comes home and finds him gone. Although he may cut the break lines in her dar before that day comes.
Thank you so much for this site. X
Sukey this sounds strangely familiar….
Do you mind sharing the Initial his name starts with? I know its a far fetched chance, but it sounds so similar 🙂
Hi gaslighted – his initials are SL…Northwest and Southeast England would be where he will have been operating…. Ring any bells?
Shockingly, no.
And even more shocking how parallel the scenario is, yet there is likely no connection at all, since I am in the states.
My heart is with you, as I know what this is like.
I have been 10 weeks NC, and the silence has become deafening, as I am in an new environment and grasping for a solid ground to stand on. Being 10 years on and off with him has created quite a dependency, and somewhat of a void when he is not in my life.
I need to pull out of this funk, this mild depression. I want to feel deeply again and see colors brighter again.
Its funny, some days/weeks I am so strong and doing so well. Other days, I just have the numbness or mild gnawing at my heart.
I deserve better.
Hi Sukey 🙂
Don’t’ worry about his wife as she has her own journey like, the OW in my saga.
Just concentrate on yourself & take this lesson as one you can rebuild from.
The self awareness that comes from the Soc experience is life altering but, I believe all part of the process.
It’s hard to face the truth of the Soc & your role in their life & the part we play.
As they are so fond of our weakness & vulnerability, & our ability to love & desire them, we have to question why/how we let ourselves get so distracted from our own self, moral codes & beliefs etc…
In my experience we are so good at giving that when we don’t receive the same in return fully, we learn to accept the scraps that they throw us.
Ultimately we know that it’s not good enough but, still we put up with less, hoping for more. We begin to accept the unacceptable & then they have us fully.
We think if we love them enough & are good, we will convince them that they cannot live without us.
As we all know (blatantly obvious), that the Soc can & does live without us because there is an endless supply of like minded/good/giving victims, just waiting to pick up where we leave off from.
No amount of warning, red flags, will stop someone else being engulfed so, just concentrate on your own healing.
It takes a huge effort to re-programme your brain from Soc control & dependence to your own power & mind. We keep believing the illusion, the what ifs & the desire to have them. They create the allure of having a bit of them, yet not really having anything.
Very addictive, but tragic. (Cat & Mouse) turns to the mouse just getting a little crumb of cheese to keep you in the game.
Starved but, here’s a little to sustain you longer.
Oh & mousey, I will let you go but, my Soc claws will keep you in range so, beware!
We become victims & the victim mentality kicks in, then it’s why me etc…then the depression 😦 We then kick into, survival mode but, it’s hard because in order to survive we have to admit defeat & gather ourselves up & damn that hurts. No answers, no remorse, no nothing, ‘The War is Over’…go home to you.
You may suffer PTSD, depression but, only you can fix you, with a load of support & help but, ultimately your own will too survive & hopefully thrive.
We wouldn’t do this to anyone so, why/how can they do it to us, because they can & we have to let go…Just let it go.
A lot of people, not just Soc’s can have this agenda. They aren’t you & they have different beliefs, moral codes & don’t connect/attach on an emotional level. We do this also, when it’s not something we connect or believe in.
We can all survive this but, being emotional beings makes it hard to disconnect so, I use the Soc’s mantra ‘It’s all about me’, to get me through.
Keep saying it over & over until you finally believe, it’s all about you, you are worthy of love.
Self love starts first then, the rest naturally follows 🙂
Love & Light 😉
PR xoxo
Thanks PR. I appreciate your worss. I think the reason I am so bewildered is that I sent him away with a flea in his ear time after time. He didn’t seem to be able to let go. Now I know it was just because he wanted to ‘break me’. I confided in him about so much, as a friend, and he was just using that to get to understand better ways to break me.
The wife texted yesterday and said she doesn’t want to meet as she thinks if they split, I’ll want him. I might be crying and missing him and wishing for it all not to be true but I’m not dumb enough to think I can change him.
Gaslighted – not sure you will have seen my reply to you as I think I messed up with my post. It’s somewhere below. You do deserve better and are in my thoughts.
Thank you lovely ladies. X
My last texts after breakup with sociopath……..”you will have a man and think of my hands all over you, my mouth hungrily at your delicious body, my smile in the darkness of your life……..I have taken your heart and soul, they are mine forever. I am content with that for now. You have nothing to give anyone else. I have stolen your sweet kisses, all of them now will be bitter” “no man will ever hold your heart again. I have stolen it and keep it hidden here. Go ahead and look for it.” “you will always be my baby, my everything, my soulmate, you are superwoman, beautiful and brilliant, you will see I am right in time.”
I can relate to most everything I have read on this site. The above is just the tip of the iceberg of his flowerly language…I am still in pain but getting better. No contact for 2 weeks now.
Hi Sweet, welcome to the site 🙂
Hi Sukey,
Read this, it will help 🙂
He doesn’t just want to break-you, he wants to possess you so, that you cannot move on from him!
Don’t let him, his ultimate win is to have you forever pining/wanting him.
You have a right & freedom of will, to release yourself from his hold & find a normal guy who will love you properly & not treat you with such disrespect.
http://www.psychopathfree.com/showthread.php?927-Article-Torture-by-Triangulation
Thanks PR – that’s a great article. Bad day today. The OW thinks if she leaves him, we’ll end up together which made me wonder what he had been saying about me and if it meant that he had indicated we would be together which made me gt carried away thinking about us being together….. Just had a lovely chat with my friend (man who I adore and just wish he felt the same way as this whole thing would be on its way to being behind me but he just sees me as a friend). It made me feel better for half an hour but sad again when it was over.
I think the worst thing is that it took me 5 years to get myself back together after my ex dumped me via text message (definitely an sp – even worse than the current one, when I think about it) and I don’t know if I have the strength to start re-building again. Everything is just a mess.
X
Hi Sukey,
The OW in my story made sure to get rid of her competition & hence here I am 🙂
I am glad he’s out of my life & she is welcome to his lies & deception, she knows what he is like & is an adult so, the choice is hers, GOOD LUCK!
I was in an abusive marriage with a Narc?? not sure but, definitely not a nice guy, gambling, drinking, hardly home, then left after 19 years of abuse for the receptionist in our business. The business, marriage & everything was lost & i have had to re-build my life from scratch 🙂
That was 10 years ago & I walked straight ‘slap bang’ inot my Soc & 10 years of mindless gaming etc….leads me here to you 🙂
I am not out of the woods but, I am still standing & hoping for happy 🙂
Keep strong & don’t give-up 🙂
There is no happiness with a Soc, liar or cheat so, find your own happiness.
Loneliness can be hard but, survivable once you learn to not fear it.
I also have a great guy (friend only) & I am aiming for someone like him hopefully he’s out there looking for me…& one for you also, not the same guy though (lol)…
Love & Light 😉
PR xoxo
Wow PR – that really is crappy. While I’d much prefer it if none of us needed to be here, at least we have one another. X
Hi Sukey 🙂
Others cannot understand which is lucky for them 🙂
Fortunately we have each other so, not as bad as it could be.
Stay Strong, the best revenge is to be your best self & rise above the Soc.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Sukey 🙂
We do have each other thankfully 🙂
A lot here have shown remarkable courage, resilience & survival skills to become the wonderful souls & people that they are 🙂
I cannot see the person but, I feel the souls that come through via the writings/exchanges etc…so, we are all on a journey of greater self awareness that our Narc/Soc’s have created so, we cannot waste more time on them than we already have, we are here to find, love, support, understanding, compassion etc…& we have in each other but, mostly we are finding ourselves again 🙂
It’s all going to be okay, hard but, okay 🙂
Love & Light & continued growth & happiness 🙂
PR xoxo
Thanks PR. Some of my friends are trying to understand but unless you have lived this nightmare you never can. X
Hi Lady’s
Today it feels like I’m making progress and I hope it is not just one of those days that makes it bearable before the next wave hits. Gosh I hope not!!!!
What got me here is that I’m just not thinking of him as human being anymore . I think of him as the DEVIL himself complete with horns , tail and feet like a horse , now picture that he has something in his mouth that he is choking on .
Feels good to me !
It’s a matter of fact much better than sitting here in my loneliness eating my heart out while he feels absolutely non of those things.
My mind goes back 22years when THE most devastating experience of my life took place.
The man I had lived with for 19years, he was without a doubt the love of my life , was gunned down in front of my eyes. He took 8 bullets and I stood right next to him no more then a foot away from him. His blood splashed on to my clothing as each bullet hit his torso. I remember feeling paralyzed as I watched in disbelieve. I saw everything in slow motion and lost all sense of time. The only thing running through mi mind was that nobody could be this crazy . At some point I was able to pull my feet of the floor because they felt like they had been glued down and I called the Police.
Since then I have batteled cancer ( Mastectomy) 2 heart attacks (4 stents) and the DEVIL himself .
I know I’m stronger than I think I am if my past is any indication .
As I’m tapping into that strength once more while I free myself of tho DEMON in his human suit I know I will emerge stronger yet.
To all you lady’s out there, tap into that reserve of your own strength we all have it . Do whatever it takes to get to the other side of this madness . There are no rules to fallow if we want to survive.
I refuse to hold on to the fantasy that I deluded myself with because that’s what it was and nothing more.
I was in love with myself and by myself because he projected ME back to ME.
Well , I like who I am and what I stand for and that is by itself more than he could ever say about himself.
BOY THAT FELT GOOD
Hugs from me to you all !!
@ Ladybug 🙂
You are a true survivor & as hard as it is, let go of the past, it’s your story but, better chapters are going to be written from now on.
Our past experience shapes us but, does not define us, we have all got shocking stories of abuse & betrayal.
We also have magnificent stories of love, success & survival & we need to balance out the bad with the good so, I wish you an abundance of good stories because you are worth a happy ending 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hey PR,
Thanks for commenting .
I find it so enormously comforting that we have this site & each other to come too .
It’s like a miracle . We are strangers , brought together by one thing that we have encountered WE ALL HAVE DANCED WITH THE DEVIL.
And here we are trying to help and console each other because of another thing we all have in commen and that’s our ability to feel . Our love compation and emotions , the very essence of our humanity and that is also what got us into trouble .
These Vampires came into our lives to suck us dry of everything that made us Human ( something they will never be) .
But they did not win and they never will . We are all still here !!!!
I do feel sorry for the next victim but I’m not jealous . It will just be business , nothing to do with love.
They are really pathetic creatures and I will not allow myself to feel sorry for them . They are empy inside , nothing more than a shell.
Hug U PR so long!
For you Ladybug 🙂
Love & Hugs…PR xoxo
Gosh gaslighted – that is so odd. I just can’t understand why they keep coming back if they are being rejected. I’m just thinking it must have driven him crazy to think that he never managed to ‘get’ me. He nearly did when I fell pregnant by him but I lost it and realised I didn’t like him that much. He texted last night and told me he never wanted to see or hear from me ever again. I just keep crying. I’ve just been talking to my mum who has tried to remind me that I always rejected him because even on my worst day, I always thought he was too stupid and too ugly for me to be with him. He is.
I, like you, just don’t seem to be able to hold on to anything. I just believed that he loved me. I even offered to write him a profile on a dating website as he was doing my head in. Turns out that was about a week before he got married. I’ve always ended up with idiots who’ve never really respected me and believing that one guy did adore me helped sometimes and yes, there’s a huge void now. Not only does he not love me now, he never did. It was always a lie 😦
I’ve been reading bits about socs for years since my ex disappeared one day after 7 years together and just refused to communicate with me other than via intermediaries but I never, ever put the pieces together eith this guy. He was too drippy and pathetic for me to even think he was capable of this. And now I just miss him. I’m not even one day NC.
Trying to remember all the reasons I rejected him for all those years…. Did you reject yours? Can you hold on to those reasons? Problem is, I want to tell him he’s ugly, stuoid and clumsy in bed!
Thinking of you x
Yes, it unfortunately was mostly a game. Even if he didnt initially intend for it to be a game, it bothered the hell out of him to not attain something he wanted.
I rejected him for, I would say, the first 3-4 years of the 10 year go-around? I was either committed to someone else, or just overall unimpressed and uninterested. I didnt mind talking to him, but that was just it…I also didnt mind not talking to him. Come to think of it, that must have been when he turned up his “charm”.
He then met a need. created a void where i didnt have that sort of love and attention. And I can remember not really knowing why I liked him, just knowing I liked him. Which of course developed into something more intense as I got older.
I dont remember why I initially rejected him..that is how much my perception has shifted. Its hard to hold on to what I thought Day 1. Now, I just remember everything that has happened from Day 1 up until the last time.
And thank you:)
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was just getting lonelier and more beat up every time something didn’t work out with people I really liked and he was always there telling me how much he loved me and I started to rely on that. I liked believing I was someone’s ‘perfect’ woman. He’s got what he wanted now. I’m finally crying over him 😦
Take care x
Recently I have discovered a great many things. I was preparing to move to the other side of the country and going through a bunch of stuff I still kept at my parents house when I found a piece of paper from a doctor to my dad. Normally I’d put it aside but the word sociopathy stood out on the page to me and I started reading. His doctor was concerned that all of his tendencies made him sound like one and was requesting an MRI. Unfortunately that doctor passed away not too long after that and my father refuses to go to other doctors. I put it out of mind after that.
Last week I was looking for new books to read and I normally only read fantasy or sci fi but a friend said she thought I’d find a book called Confessions of a Sociopath really interesting. She was reading it too and wanted someone to discuss it with. So I started reading. And it was like someone had illuminated my entire life. Suddenly everything made sense.
My Story: (It’s a long one)
My father is an abusive, manipulative and cruel man who pits my mother and I against eachother and it appears to amuse him. I never understood his behaviours or many other things in life until finding this blog and others that explained sociopathic behaviours. The mask in front of strangers, the manipulation, the compulsive lying. I think because of growing up in this environment it may have somewhat desensitized me to it, though I can’t be sure.
But at 15 I met a boy who seemed just like me. Only he had some problems due to his mother dying when he was 11. He was Irish and foreign accent, smart, he seemed perfect. We were together until I was 19. I moved to Northern Ireland for university but mostly so I could be close to him at 17. I used all of my motivation and smarts to get me through highschool a year early so I could be with him and get away from my dad sooner. We ended up sharing a house together and with a bunch of friends… it was awesome… at first. But then he didn’t want to go out, to the point our friends would beg me to convince him. But then he’d get angry, as he had just wanted to stay in and play video games or do whatever research was making him happy that day. And he didn’t like it when I opposed him. He then started telling people how -I- was so controlling of him, making snide remarks about me to make me uncomfortable and them too when we were out. Basically making it so they’d stop inviting us out as we were a couple and I wasn’t allowed to go without him and he was making uncomfortable remarks about me when we were there.
Eventually my friends intervened and told me to get out. There were a lot of events that led up to this with abuse, neglect, cheating, etc. And I did. I went back to Canada where I was from and left him. He threatened suicide, I called the cops to his house. He told them I was a crazy ex girlfriend. He called me ridiculous amounts of itmes a day, did the smear campaign, and then said he had bought a ring and had been ready to propose how could I do this to him. Eventually, he was gone. But he had seeded doubt in my best friends minds and made them unsure.
Eventually I rebuilt, but then I met a guy online while playing World of Warcraft. He seemed perfect. Everything I ever wanted and weirdly my friends even liked him. Despite how we met. Long story short, he bled me dry of money, lied to me, and later I found out his father was a convicted child rapist (wow right?), cheated on me. And when I finally had no more money left to give the emotional abuse started. I bought him a computer because he said his broke and all he did was complain it wasn’t good enough. He told me he worked every day but didn’t get paid… there were always him not getting paid. Then my friends even people I raided with in World of Warcraft got concerned and said you shouldn’t let him control you like that. He forced me to cut contact (as they were “ruining our relationship” and “making me doubt him”) and we transferred servers. Where a girl found me, asking after him. I said he wasn’t online but I could deliver a message if it was urgent. She got testy and said his girlfriend was looking for him. And I responded with how could that be, I was his girlfriend. And then I got a realization, apparently all the times he was “working’ he was with her. I confronted him about it and he told me she was a crazy stalker and to change my characters names so she couldn’t find me again. I didn’t, he raged. I then ended things. But it was too late, my friendship that had been damaged by the first soc, well, she got sucked in by this guys lies. And she actually ended our friendship becauseo fhim and dated him for two years after that.
My life was in ruins, I was in a mess emotionally and financially and all the stress made me bad at my job. I eventually lost the job, but not before a friend at work introduced me to a guy he was friends with who “knew a lot about the industry I wanted to get into”. That guy and I hit it off, but he had a girlfriend. However he spent all of his time telling me how bad she treated him, how she cheated on him,p layed the victim card a lot. And he saw how my ex harassed me, abused me even though we were broken up and played the white knight. He would never treat me that way he said. He wished we were dating and he wasn’t with his horrible girlfriend. We started seeing eachother and he told me he broke up with her… yet she called all the time. She stopped by his house… She did all these things that made her seem crazy. I mean they broke up, right? Well, the friend who introduced us realized he and I had started dating and came and warned me said no, he’s good for info do not date him. He cheats, he lies, don’t do it you’ll get hurt. I thought he was jealous. It just meant he liked me and didn’t want me with his friend. I was convinced by the guy to cut off contact with said friend.
This guy knew my financial situation and got me to move in with him. Said he’d make everything better. But as soon as I had recovered my finances and found a good job, he took all of my money. As soon as I started rebuilding friendships, he confided in them all behind my back that he thought I had problems. I had a dog, they did too. And he’d tell me to tell them we weren’t going for the group walk that night as he didn’t feel well. I’d text them we weren’t coming. And then he’d decide he wanted to go by himself, would meet up with them and tell them how I had tried to convince him not to go. How I was a liar, how I was untrustworthy. It made them uncomfortable. He’d get all sad and tell them how I never did anything (while I’d be at home cooking him dinner). How I was a horrible, uncaring girlfriend. And they felt sympathy for him. And as he had tricked me to not being there, they thought since I wasn’t there it must be true. Eventually one of them asked me about it and I was stunned. He lied, constantly. The girl he had said he broke up with showed up one day, stormed into our place and to our bed as I was sleeping and called me a whore. Once I fell asleep with my head in his lap and he was on his computer I woke up, could see the screen and he was talking to her about how I was horrible and he still loved her. In a daze I walked upstairs, shaking and started packing my things. He saw me, and asked what I was doing. When I confronted him he told me she was crazy and it was his way of keeping her away. I stupidly believed him. I wanted so desperately for it to be true. My grandfather had a heart attack and my great aunt died in the same week. I needed his support. He refused to come to the hospital with me, saying he had too much work. And I later found out it was to sleep with that girl. He didn’t come to the funeral of my aunt and when I got angry about his lack of supporting me, he kicked me out. And when I came by to get some of my things, I saw the ex again leaving his house. When confronted with it, he said she had only just stopped by. When I asked him why he kissed her he claimed he hadn’t. I had seen it with my own eyes.
Eventually I felt so isolated, so cut off. I started trying to make girl friends. And one, she was amazing and in a similar relationship. We bonded very close very quick. He never let me have contact with any of his friends, but insisted on adding all of mine to his facebook and messengers. He added her and proceeded to confide in her that he thought I was too “high strung” and needed to calm down. And many other things. She told me, and when I asked him why he had been talking behind my back he said he hadn’t. She had copied me the chat logs, whcih I pasted to him and he said oh it was a misunderstanding… oh… that… I guess I did say that. It was his pattern. Lie until proof is shown he was lying then back peddle.
I was so depressed, so hurt, he stopped sleeping with me then, using it as a bartering chip. I found him hunting girls on craigslist for affairs while at work. I am sure there were so many I didn’t find. I look back and wonder why I stayed. But I think because all of my money was tied up in the situation and going home to my parents was just as bad. I was stuck and hurting and all my friends alienated because of him.
He refused to sleep with me for two years, we were together for four in total. I eventually met another guy online who emotionally I guess I cheated but never physically. He told me he hated what was going on and was my rock. I left my ex and tried to get out of everything. He proceeded to do the smear campaign and even caused me to lose my job. But he also exposed the guy I was using as a rock as a sociopath as well. I was a trophy to him, a girl whose pants he had to get in to. They proceeded to argue over me, yet never seemed to dislike eachother. It was as if they were discussing a horse, a possession they each wanted not love. (the sociopath rock has since gone on to hook, manipulate and destroy 24 women that I am aware of, he admitted to me he’s a sociopath and it’s a fun game to him) Using info I told him passingly to tell my boss I broke an NDA. I had confided in my boss about the entire thing so he made sure, that even though he couldn’t protect me, that he got me a years severance. I had the money to figure my life out. And I tried to get away from the crazy sociopath. He sucked me back in.
And he tried to get me to cut off everyone this time, siting them as bad influences and why we didn’t work out the first time. I refused, saying he couldn’t control me and took me as I was or not at all. I went into our house and started reading something online when I heard a weird noise outside. I went outside and he had CALLED THE COPS telling them I was suicidal. And in Canada, they are required to take you to a hospital and have evaluation. He threw my stuff out, trying to force me back to my parents (so I’d have to crawl back to him and give him control he wanted) and tried to steal my dogs from me. The cops quickly realized it was a lie, but law said they had to take me. So they sat with me at the hospital until the lady could see me. I was trying so hard to keep it together, knowing if I freaked out at my life imploding I’d be commited and I needed to get to the pets. 11 hours later, I was let go and the police went with me to get my dogs from him.
He had expected me to come crawling back but this time he went too far. My family and friends stepped in and said never again. One friend took me and my pets in. And I ruined his plans. This has made him go crazy. It is two years later, I have my own business and moved countries (didn’t feel safe around him even in the same country). He stalks me. He smears me still. It’s like he’s some crazy stalker I can’t shake. I am in a happy relationship and just got engaged to the guy, he knows everything and is… compassionate and loving. Nothing like my exes. I don’t know how to shake the soc, I don’t know why I still even miss him… he had this crazy hold over me. They all did at one point. I
But it’s two years later. I am happily with an amazing and non sociopathic man, but he still stalks me. I am scared this will never end and confused at why I keep allowing sociopaths into my life, how I get hooked by them. And I know I’m not with one now, but scared that somehow my sociopath ex will ruin the amazing, loving, and balanced relationship I now have. I just want it to stop. I don’t engage, I moved countries, I have done everything. But I am a well known artist in the video game industry, I have an online presence as I have to find work. And he uses it to continuously stalk me. I am scared he’ll never stop. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Jen 🙂
Gosh what a nightmare ride you’ve been on 😦
But, Hello….here you are 🙂 a Survivor & welcome 🙂
You must stay focused on YOU, not him or them…he will get sick of it eventually & there is nothing you can do.
Why don’t you create a online game for Survivors to beat the Soc’s with all the mind boggling games they play, you have a plethora of ideas to work with 🙂
I want my own Avatar (LOL) Pheonix Rising has a good sound, what do you think? 🙂
Turn it to your advantage, that will show him…be happy & remember you are never alone, they are bizarro but, we are all here for you, stay strong 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxox
@ Luxia 🙂
Your a tiger so, get your ROAR on 🙂
Love & Light…PR xoxo
Dropped my phone down the toilet…no contact =sorted xx
I just saw a beautiful movie “The perks of being a wallflower”, on the movie one of the protagonist question his teacher why nice people are with bad partners, the answer was so simple and truthful, we accept the love that we think we deserve…
I don’t know why accepted two times this “bad love” all I know is I deserve to be loved and respected without fear….you deserve it too, so please, stop the insanity, stop suffering for someone who doesn’t know the meaning of love and empathy and broke yourself free, no more contact to him, and the other women. Yo have the strenght to do it..
For you No More Insanity 🙂
PR xoxo
PR,
Thank you! I really found what I thought was lost, a hero on myself.
To all of you don’t give up
Here is my story. I am not really POSITIVE my guy is a sociopath. Definitely has tendencies…Looking for opinions.
Starts exactly 2 years ago:
-Met on facebook in 2011. He had an addiction to Benzos (valium, xanex, etc). Also had a girlfriend (Which i didnt know about for like 2 weeks into our talking) and from the getgo our messages were flirtatious and sexual
-We met through a common interest group and he was also familiar with me bc he had seen me at a concert before about a month prior. Described the outfit to me that I was wearing that day to a T.
-Talks to me on the phone, despite having a long distance GF for 12+ hours a day. Continually flirts with me and we are sexual. Calls me things like “baby doll” and although he makes no real promises, i continually get a “maybe someday we will meet/be together” here and there.
-we start a online website together to make and sell things associated with our common interest. (Nov 2011)
-There is another girl he started talking to right before me in our same common interest network. Let’s call her “B” He passes comments about her being annoying and overbearing. Reads me texts about her looking for his attention and approval. Seems really irritated by her. When she realizes we are working together and also that he is showing interest in me, she gets invasive. Tells him things about me without knowing me. Says I want to break him and his GF up and that is why I want to work with him. Also that I am obsessed and in love with him (pot calling kettle black….but i wont get into it). Lots of other judgments.
-He tells me of what she has to say, in some instances even calls me pissed off saying he had to put her in her place. Obviously, I am not very threatened by this girl since I seem to be “winning” at her game, and she obviously has issues if this is how she acts. I block her on facebook because I am finding her invasive (it is the only way she knows ANYTHING about me). She gets upset, contacts me (through him) and asks to be unblocked, lets be friends. I comply.
-I realize he is EXTREMELY promiscuous. He is open about it with me, even thought we flirt sexually and emotionally everyday. I blame it on addiction. Also talks about how him and his (12 year younger than he long distance) GF have an “open relationship” but then other times makes it like she owns him and he wouldn’t dare cheat on her. When he did cheat on her with his friends mom it was “okay because she would think it was cool he slept with his friends mom, she is cool like that”. But he “couldn’t cheat” with me. I think maybe he would sometimes hook up with another friend/ex of his, but as long as there was no sex it wasnt cheating (more on this later). Pretty sure he had sex with her too. Maybe even others. Hard to remember or know what to believe.
-We start making plans to meet up (December 2011). Up until the day he was supposed to leave I got a run around. Yes, I am coming, cant wait. No I cant I have a GF. No I cant I hate driving that long. Yes of course I am coming, cant wait to be with you. Doesn’t come. Tells me at one point he told “B” there was no way he could come see her because he already broke a promise to come see me and what wouldn’t be right (I give you this detail for future reference) to get her off his back. No idea if this was true or not, I think he was just trying to build rivalry on my end at this point (later succeeds).
-All day on the phone continues for about 2 months. “Business” talks with mostly flirting and getting to know each other. Still glimpses of “maybe someday” for both sex and relationship. Decides to quit drugs because his GF wants him to. He is successful doing it on his own. One day the flirting stops. i ask what is up. He tells me he needs to start being more loyal to his girlfriend so they can restart their life together. Talks of having a child with her when she finises school, how she had to have an abortion, how she is going to support him so he can be a stay at home dad. They seem to fight all the time and she obviously cannot give him the attention he needs if he is spending all hours of the day on the phone with me. He would end our calls to take hers and call me right back.
– (January 2012-February) We start fighting a lot, I am sad he is taking the attention away from me and feel mislead all the prior months “promises”. We still talk and flirt sometimes but way less phone, way more text and way less flirting. He starts agreeing with the things “B” would say about my character. Things he just weeks ago was calling me pissed and telling me he went off on her for saying and just being really mean. Our business starts suffering bc we cant get along. He doesnt want me doing things this and that way when he was so passive about everything as an addict. Starts to become somewhat controlling and very mean. The business somehow lasts another 6 months after this, but we are both constantly threatening to quit. Things are on the rocks with him and his GF. He goes to the west coast to check out a potential new spot to live. We barely talk while he is gone but when he gets home he calls me and nonchalantly tells me that he stopped at his GFs on the way out west and they are now broken up.
– I wait for him to talk about us maybe finally meeting now. He doesnt say a word. I say “Hey…so are we going to meet”? I get lots of I Dont Knows. At this point I want to meet him for business purposes more than pleasure. He tells me about how “B” is bothering him to come meet her too. I didnt even know they were really talking more than her usually “harassing” and “annoying” him. Our flirting starts up heavy again with no sign of meeting. He tells me he only meets people at concerts (our common interest- traveling with a band seeing their concerts) bc it is too much of an inconvenience to meet people in other states otherwise. The concerts aren’t for around 6 more months.
-It starts to unfold that he and B have been talking regularly and that he has interest in her. It all makes sense since he had started agreeing with the things she was saying about me. He talks about how he will be going to these concerts I speak of with her with her and how she can understand them not meeting until then, why cant I? Also at a later date tells me he doesnt want to go to the concerts with her, but he wishes he could figure out a way to get the tickets she had for him from her. Her and I have our own slew of problems by this time and are not on good terms because of the way she has acted towards and about me. She is a whole another crazy story…
-I am pretty heartbroken he is talking to and considering her after all the negative he would speak about her and of course because she has shown me no good. I express this appointment to him and his attitude is “who cares if I once said those things about her”.
-From there he would continue to sometimes talk negatively on B, or sometimes use her to put me down in various ways. Either pass comments about her being better than me or tell me he agreed with something she said about me. I asked that he please dont talk to her about me. He tells me she doesn’t care to talk about me, which, well. Okay. She certainly did when she was intimidated by our relations (and still continued to, I know it). It was starting to drive me crazy. I had had enough of him being controlling and mean, making me jealous, putting me down, using her to put me down.
-We are still flirting sexually. That exists pretty much through our whole relationship (yes, we end up meeting and hooking up). We start to realize we have similar abnormal fetishes and really connect on this. Our “sexual” relationship is intense. I am not sure, however, if I am maybe getting the same pictures and texts as other girls are. I am especially weary and uncool if he is talking to me and B within the same context at the same time, as he is now playing us against each other…”A said this about you”….”B said this about you”….A responded to what you said about her this way”.
-(March 2012) I get fed up and end the business. I block him from my phone, Facebook and shut everything down. Send him an email saying its over. He writes me through our paypal account something like “You should have never done this. you will be sorry”. This is after months of various forms of emotional and verbal abuse. I am scared. He can be REALLY scary when he is angry. I also feel bad for ending a business relationship to harshly. At this point, I am addicted to him. I want him out of my life but I cannot let him go. This incident was the start of truly felling that way. I also accidentally (seriously, I had NO intention of hitting send but my laptop did for me when i moved it) sent “B” a message on facebook telling her things like “its over, hes yours. Good luck, He is crazy. I want peace with you, i am sorry for my contributions to this game.” I also said in response to her telling him she was “going to tell me how good his dick tastes” (and him in turn telling me she said so) that “i would really rather not know what his most likely STD infested dick tastes like, so please, spare me the details.” I guess I should also mention, this girl has NO ideas about his promiscuity or his odd sexual fetishes. She thinks he can do know wrong and i later find out she thinks i “said awful things to him about her”. Honey, its called the truth!
-I call him the next day because I feel awful and this sick helpless attachment. we make up, he takes me back into his life with open arms and it seems a million pounds of stress has been lifted off him by my phone call and will to work things out. the business, which is now kind of failing but was successful in the beginning continues. It is starting to become a tool we use to control and threaten each other more and more and we arent making money they way we were in the beginning. He doesn’t seem to care one bit about the message that I accidentally sent B. Most guys would never talk to a girl who sent a girl he is interested in a message like that again, yes? Well not this one. One of the first signs that made me think there is something wrong.
-(April 2012) We get into a HUGE fight that involves other people. I react to him betraying me with a vengeance that I know will piss him off, hopefully to the point where he wants nothing to do with my anymore, if he finds out. He does. Hell breaks lose. Every threat in the world is thrown at me besides death. The business is over. I am really sad and remorseful, despite my desire to let go of all this. But I also think that I think for sure, I am finally free of this mess I got myself into. There is NO way he will want to know me after this. He also wont take responsibility for his back stabbing action that caused me vengeance towards him, only what I did in reaction was wrong. The next day he calls me, gets annoyed when I am cold and dont want to talk, I cave, we talk it out and also we have phone sex. Who wants to have phone sex with a girl who he found out stabbed him in the back hard just a day or two earlier? He uses the “i am so attracted to you” card to gain me back here, because I was done.
-He moves all the way to the west coast without meeting me nor B, 6 hours each away, before going. I am at the point where I am telling him for weeks prior if he doesnt meet me as he drives through my city, I am done with the business. Promises he will stop. We arent sure if we will hook up because his friend he also hooks up with will be traveling with him and he proposes it might be weird. I tell him i dont care about that, I need to meet for business purposes. We arent getting along and maybe meeting will help us gain respect. He starts to tell me days before, when I ask that he is taking a route through Colorado to see his ex (who he is supposedly, to this day, still in love with. I am starting to wonder if she even exists or if she is a tool he uses but I am PRETTY sure she does). I know he is lying because the girl he was traveling with and his ex have problems. It is confirmed when I see pictures the friend posts on Facebook of the Thruway to my city. I let it slide. Still continue to run the business and flirt. Business is bringing in no money to either of us at this point, despite my efforts. Pretty sure at this point he knew he wasnt going to concerts on the east coast with B. He might have still been letting her think and make plans for them though.
-Although we ran a business together, many of our products were kept separate. Besides for a few instances where he was a little sheisty and shady, He never pulled any weird financial stuff regarding the business. I handled most of that stuff though. One day all of a sudden he starts accusing me of owing him money for his product that I had. He had product of mine too and our agreement was that we would pay each other for product as it was sold. He had much more product than me, and I had much more of his product than he mine, as I had more opportunity to sell outside of the website. We were business partners. Why would I be buying his stock? He starts to get really irate from me and is acting weird sexually and being really cold towards me. It made me uncomfortable and sad because I am addicted and I cave and pay him.
-Right around this time he also makes a point to call me (phone calls were weird at this stage) to announce to me that B pushed some major boundaries by acting like they are a couple online when they aren’t (hadnt even met yet). Tells me she is cut and blocked and that he has no desire to talk to her anymore. Things get REALLY good between he and I as at this point she was a huge barrier in our relationship (“friendship”).
-One day a few weeks later he reveals to me nonchalantly that they are talking again. “I got a awesome package from B today!” I get upset and jealous. He tells me they are going to the concert in San Fran together. He had also made mention of me and him going together at this point and also that he might take his ex that he is in love with (even thought she isnt a huge fan of the band and isnt into traveling and he hadnt seen her in 6 months). So now I am upset he is meeting us both at the same time, at the same concert, but he is going with her after stringing us both along for almost a year. When I said “but i thought you couldnt stand her anymore because of reason 1, 2, 3 & 4 the response was the same as it always is for everything: “Who cares if I once said and felt those things.” I told him i really doubt we can remain friends if he ends up seriously involved with this girl.
-(August 2012) I go to San Fran. The weeks leading up to it are rough for me individually and for us both as “friends”. Of course we are still sexually flirting on the regular, intensely, up until the event. We meet during the concert, a brief meeting. All of our interactions during those 3 days were brief and awkward. B wont even look at me never say hello and he is with her the whole time. I had lost my phone on the first night but when i got to my hotel sent an email saying It was good to meet him and he is adorable and some of our flirting stuff. He doesnt respond to the email, but he told her everything I wrote besides for the sex stuff.
-We get home, he texts me asking if I will still be his friend if he is with B. I assumed from the few times I saw them together in San Fran that this might be the case. So i was somewhat prepared and also feeling kind of ambivalent about the whole thing. Him being there with her just kind of turned me off. I do want what I have been anxiously lusting over for almost a year though. I tell him I would probably be an acquaintance and what was going to happen with our sex stuff? You build up sex for a year then never act on it? He starts telling me how badly he still wants me and we start flirting hard. We are going to see each other again in a week for more concerts. We start trying to plan to meet up before. He says it has to be before because he plans to commit to her at these shows. All of out attempts fail, including my attempt to buy him a flight to come to a completely different show so we can hook up and spend actual real time together before he “commits” to this girl I cannot stand.
-YES. I KNOW I AM AN IDIOT AND THIS SHOULD HAVE ENDED LONG AGO. But sociopaths play on our weaknesses and making us even weaker than we already are, yes? And I REALLY wanted/needed the amazing sex we built up anticipation for for so long.
-I see him after the first night of the next concert we are both at in the parking lot and we have a weird interaction followed by texts about how badly we lust each other. The next day I see him before the show in the parking lot and he tells me how much he is turned on by me and how much he wants me. I ask him how things are with he and B. He says “alright. she is way too into me.” We sneak off to hook up a little for what will be the first time ever. He tells me he and B could have a great future together (I know she always wanted to “take care of him” and I think was proposing some miraculous awesome future that she was selling him on) but he isnt really sexually attracted to her, he “is attracted to other things” and that she is too sensitive for him. He seemed really uninterested and unhappy to be with her and really into me. We hooked up a little and text sexually AND romantically until morning after the concert. While she in bed sleeping, he was sending me texts and pictures from the next room. We had now made plans to spend a extra night after the concerts together, after him telling me we could only hook up if it was before. He talks about how he cant wait to see me in the parking lot again the next day and how sorry he is for everything and how he realized no one will ever share what he and I do and how he wants our sexual relationship for life. But he will be with B…..for now (keep in mind they had only met in person a week prior). The next day he is kind of ignoring me. Not completely but I thought we were going to experience a lust full day of sneaking off like the day before. That is what he was proposing in our texts the night before. I am annoyed and sad and confused. That night we end up at the same party afterwards. I start to feel awkward because of B and not being really sure where he and I stand. I leave. As I leave he texts me “I am so attracted to you. I loooove being around you. Move to my city”. I tell him I am leaving and he asks if I can stick around until B passes out. I do. We sneak off, hook up. He wouldnt do anything sexual to me out of “respect” but told me he couldnt wait to have sex with me tomorrow (the extra night we are spending together). I meet him at the hotel and within seconds he announces “I cant kiss you, have sex with you or do anything to you”. i am PISSED. He says “cmon I just had sex with B”. We hook up and I force him to do sexual things with me but he still gets away with no sex somehow. Cries to me about how he loves his ex and also about how he has anxiety about just cheating on B with me and how things changed, they had an emotional parting at the airport and all this nonsense. Yes, he did literally cry. Which makes me question his being a sociopath. But I also think people can fake crying and It wasnt an intense cry so maybe it was fake. I had also heard him cry heavy on the phone once or twice, always under the influence of drugs though. We part ways at the airport in the morning, I am devastated. We get home and continue to flirt as he gushes about his new relationship with B. I remind him of all the things he told me about her just days earlier. He says he never thought or felt those things about her and blamed alchohol/drugs for saying that. When I would say things like you left her bedside for me he would respond with things like “Who cares if I let my sexual desires take control at that point”. I tell him I cant talk to him anymore. Block him from my life. Somehow he enters again a few weeks later…
Flirting/fighting about him being with B if he isnt in love with her or committed to her and more mayham continues through the holidays. Sometimes he is with B, sometimes he isnt. The story always changes. She lives on east coast, he on west. He tells me one day he told her he is still in love with his ex (that he didnt want to be with her exclusively, in his eyes) and she was very cool with it.
-(December 2012/January2013) B is visiting him for new years for over a week. He had just gotten back from visiting his family, only 6 hours from her, for the holidays. Six hours from your “girlfriend” who lives on the other side of the country and you dont see her? Even though she is meeting you back west? hmmmm. We agree our best bet is to just not talk when she is there. i tell him I actually have decided that I dont want to be in his life if she is the path he is choosing. We stop talking for what in my head is good. It seems he is going to take up a “future” with this girl while flirting sexually with me intensely everyday and I want nothing to do with it. I get a email from him a few days before she leaves saying something to the effect of “Dont worry, I everything is cool. Hope you are well.” i ask what he means by this and like a full day later I get a response “shes not for me as a GF. I am not with her anymore and not going to be”. We start talking again, they remain “friends’ (in her eyes still dating). I have a trip planned to his city, I have wanted to go to a school there for a long time and was going to check out the city and school (of course, even though he is reluctant to this day to admit it, he thinks it is because of him that i want this school and city. When in reality, he is the one “con” of me potentially moving there). I tell him, he is very excited. But starts to say things like….you cant tell anyone you are coming. This becomes a big deal to us both because he is really trying to enforce that I keep it a secret and I am not going there for him so to me it is unfair that I am being asked to keep it a secret. And….he is supposedly single! What does it matter. AND….we are supposedly friends…what does it matter if i end up in his city for a weekend. Huge stress, but like an idiot I comply half assed. He come to my hotel two nights while I am there, we have actual sex finally and get along pretty well despite a few conflicts (people will think im moving there for him, why I had to keep a secret I was coming, Is he still with B? etc. I am sure by now you can imagine.) The second night he comes there “upset” about his ex and not feeling sexual (didnt last) and it is a battle to get him to hook up for a while. “Cant we just hang out as friends?” but will not be seen in public with me or allow me to come to his house (where he has two roommate who now know B). Makes up 3 different excuses why I cant come there and avoids my calls and texts all day that Sunday after telling me he would hang out with me for a few hours while I had no where to go. He drives me to the airport the next day, as what I assume was his attempt to make up for all the lies and avoidance from the day before.
-(through June 2013) Get home from that trip, upset we fight about the whole thing over and over…how I am a secret friend. Is he still with B? All the lies to avoid me on Sunday (which he is still denying but months later admits), months go on of the same stuff, flirting, fighting, issues with B, uncertainty of truths, etc. He is going to the upcoming concerts in the summer with B and I am upset because she restricts the time we can spend together (and pulls him away whenever we even try to talk) and because I dont want to feel like I am sneaking around and the other woman to her. I had enough of that. We make plans to meet in his city after the run of shows. I suggest before and he answers “arrggh B is going to be here”. So we plan after.Things are REALLY good for us for a couple of months leading up to the show. No fighting, sex stuff just as hot, if not hotter than ever. He is talking to a million other people, but at this point I accept that about him and know if the slight chance we ever ended up together, we would need an open relationship to be healthy. He makes that apology about treating me like a secret to protecting B and at this point has also stood up to her about our friendship and admitted to her we are still really close (although never told her the real truth…which has now also begun to take a toll on me. This girl thinks I am nothing to him and that she is so much better than me….but again, her insanity and the issues that exist between her and I is a whole another novel).
-I get to his city before the concerts. We meet up because I need to grab something from him. We are in my friends room at her apartment and we hook up. He tells me he cant do anything to me or have sex because B is back at his place. I am confused.He told me weeks earlier that he told her he could go through with having sex with her if she could accept they were friends. I assume from that statement, they probably wont be having sex bc a) he has told me tons of times in different ways he isnt attracted to her and b) this girl will most likely NEVER accept they are just friends. At the same time how can I blame her for thinking differently? She is about to embark on 2 weeks of traveling with him one on one, sharing beds, etc. I ask him if he was hooking up with her. He says “yeah i was but then my dog died 2 days ago and I haven’t been in the mood” ….as he just had an orgasm minutes prior with me. Also in our discussion mentions how B “thinks their bond is so even stronger now (in the tone/sense that he doesnt) and that she was there when his dog died and dealt witht that with him. Thats the other thing….he had a dog…and supposedly loved animals. Even went to school to be a vet tech for a short time (but also confessed to me it was to get good pet drugs….it was during his SERIOUS benzo addiction). Does that eliminate him from this classification? Oh, I guess I should add that at this point he has be convinced or she thinks that the only reason they arent together is because he is in love with his ex, that he hasnt seen now in a year and a half (does she exist? I mean, she once had a facebook account…ha.)…so obviously B feels non threatened by all that. I ask him if he is like “dating” her for the concerts and he said yes, kind of after acting like it was friends all along. He also tells me that she is cool and knows their boundaries and that he is going to tell her I am coming and staying with him after the 2 weeks of concerts are over. This made me so happy. He also made talk about us maybe ending up together some day when I told him i love him and would be with him. All bullshit.
-The 2 weeks of concerts happen with some conflict between he and I and also B who now wont say hello to me (we had been making efforts to be friendlier to each other). I complain about B giving me the cold shoulder and he starts accusing me of giving her the cold shoulder. I also complain about her tearing us apart and he says things like “well we came here together”. I ask him a bunch of times during the two weeks if I should still come back to his city after and one morning close to the end of the two weeks we met up for a “his pleasure only bc he cant disrespect B!” hook up session. He definitely believed that as long as he didnt do anything to pleasure me it wasnt “cheating on” or in this current case “being under handed towards he (and I am sure many other “girlfriends” of his past) while he was spending time with her. He reiterates during this meetup that I am indeed coming to his city after. I tell him yes. At this point I had decided to fly to his city after instead of drive with my friends because I just really didnt want to wait anymore to be with him. I asked him at some point when he gets in and he told me around 5:30. I book a flight that gets in around that time and the day of our flights he tells me his flight is at 8. Basically, I have 4 hours to kill now. Before his flight even takes off he tells me I might need to stay elsewhere (i have other friends there) on Wednesday because D (another girl he was having sexual relations with) might be in town. I am already devastated from these two situations. We finally meet up, I of course am pissed off and just sad and take a cab to his place. He tells me I need to pay for the cab because he has no money. I ask if we can take a train. He says he thinks he has some money on a card. I end up paying, of course. He says he will pay me back, but doesnt, But he bought us food delivery, so i let it slide. We get to his house and he tells me B almost changed her flight to come back here. I said, “Yeah i figured she would, What did you tell her (dont forget the promise that he was going to tell her about me coming there) and he said I didnt tell her anything she decided not to. I said….so you would have let her come. he said yes!!! I told him that is messed up we have had these plans for weeks to which he responded “whatever, im not going to tell my friend i just spend to weeks with and that was there for me through my dogs death that they cant come here if they want to. The phone calls from her start…she is crying they are apart….he leaves the house to talk to her some and I hear him saying ” I am not talking about this now” over and over aain in my presence. I found out she thought this whole time he was sexually monogamous to her (yet another reason she assumed they were together), but did find out about the girl he was telling me that I had to leave for and was texting him things like “have fun having sex with D”. I keep asking him if he is with her and whats her deal and of course get all kinds of crazy answers including “I would be with her if she would let me be with other woman” (I offered him that) and that there is just something off about their sex. That night we have sex and hang out and have sex and hang out. He starts saying after sex we shouldnt do this, there is emotional attachment. Then it would be sex again. What happened to us maybe being together someday? And it is a problem that I have “emotional attachment” (which, i kind of didnt…not romantic emotional attachment anyway) but it is okay to have sex with B who has them married in her head even though he supposedly tells her they arent together. He had just started talking to this new girl, also in our common interest group and now between sex is texting with her and pretty much ignoring me. In addition to my emotional attachment, he is saying he doesnt want to have sex with me because he wants to change and settle down and be monogamous with one girl. Either the ex or this new girl (more Facebook bait that he hasnt met yet.) and getting mad at me for doubting his wanting to change. I ended up leaving his house after 36 hours and also left for a good 8 one day just to not have to be around him. We had sex around ten times in those 36 hours and pretty much every single time after he told me we shouldn’t do this anymore. He also wouldnt let me sleep in his bed! And one of his excuses was “I have been sharing a bed (with B) for two weeks. I just want to sleep alone.” When I told him that (among many other things) was disrespectful he says it is not. Find me a girl okay with sleeping in the other room and I will find you a desperate self esteemless SUCKER. I guess I should also add, probably should have added it long ago…I have invalidation issues and he is aware.
-I came home and nothing has been the same between he and I since. We tried to work it out once or twice (at his request) but at this point it cant be worked out. I see him a few weeks later, at more concerts, again with B. Seeing him devastates me rather unexpectedly. We are in the city where his ex lives and he has been talking for months about seeing her this weekend, yet he is there with B. He comes up to me and starts talking about how his hotel view is where we snuck off to hook up the year prior. B is feet away. Silly me should have kept that conversation going as she approached to tear us apart (hes all yours B!) He also tells me at another point is is trying to see her ex but she is being crazy. I keep approaching him asking how his “changes” are going knowing full well he is having sex with B, I can tell in their body language. We get back and I make it clear, so I thought that I didnt want to talk anymore. I know he had sex with B and I hate the way he treated me in his city. He has told me a few times that he had no idea I was coming to his city just for him and he also didnt know I would be staying with him the whole time. We had it planned for weeks. I was trying to stay civil, no blocking on Facebook or phone. I guess I should mention a few times I had asked him not to talk to me in the past without blocking, he wouldnt comply, including the time between when I left his city and the concerts he was at in his ex’s city with B. Always found an excuse to make contact, but it would “make him cry” when I blocked him. So, I tried to be civil and leave him unblocked. Was feeling really free of everything recently and put up a status on facebook about how good it feels to be free and no one should ever let anyone cause them mental anguish for years or months or days. I get a text from him a minute later “glad you are good”. I dont respond. I get another text the next day. I tell him i dont want to talk. Somehow, of course, we end up talking, His response to something i said was that is unfair that you dont would say that but wont even give me an example so I can explain, Everything has an explanation. Of course it does; you are probably a sociopath. We somehow end up talking on the phone where he tells me B has finally come to terms with the fact that they arent together. He tells me I have no idea how manipulative and controlling she was and he feels so much relief and freedom now that she is leaving alone. I asked if he saw his ex in her city when we were there and he said no. When I asked why not he said B was controlling and manipulating him and sayong he wouldnt be welcome at their hotel and to the concerts with her if not. He lived in that city for maybe ten years and has a ton of friends that live there in addition to the friends that were there for the concerts. I asked if she knows about the new girl (who she already didnt like for whatever B reason) he says of course, the ex and her was how she finally realized they wouldnt be together. He told me when she found out about the new girl that she unblocked her from Facebook, as she had had her blocked, to spy on them. B also spied on us early on and even once I had her blocked as recently as this past winter. Last time she did, he came down on me for “posting on his stuff” and not on her for somehow spying. More invalidation. So it is a problem when she spies on them but not us….He also said he has been committed to his ex and this new girl and will be with one of them and is still focused on changing. I said so you dont talk to this girl and that girl and this girl and that guy (yes he is into guys) and this girl…named off around 7 people that I know he has been sexual with either in real live or over the phone for at least 6 months or more. He said no. But also mentioned he had GREAT sex with B (the girl he supposedly didnt like having sex with and who is more emotionally attached to him than ANYONE) in his ex’s city at the concerts. He also mentioned having sex with the girl that he asked me to leave his house for sometime between then and now. But he is being celibate for these two girls. There was another time I had asked him if he was still celibate sarcastically in a text and he said No because you wouldnt let me be, you guilted me into having sex with you (it was why I went back to his city) and practically raped me (not true, besides for the fact that he likes dominant women). More invalidation. He also speaks of “something” that kept him with B and he wont say what. Says his personal life is none of my business when I know some (supposed) really dark deep secrets and facts about him. I am starting to think she was supporting him financially. I have thought this in the past and ne of the things he said when she said she was controlling and manipulative was “she booked all the flighta and planned everything…she played on my passiveness” when I told him he lead her on by traveling alone with her so much if he wasnt interested in being with her. I was acting crazy for few days because I was so disrupted by his contact I was truly finding peace and him realizing that by my Facebook status is what made him contact me kind of relentlessly. Sociopathic. I am feeling at peace again but I have found peace in remembering what I thought long ago- That he is a sociopath.
I want to make a list of why I am conflicted on whether he is or not, because I am really not sure.
IS A SOCIOPATH:
-Preys on insecurities
-Preys on girls on unmet/unknown girls on the internet, often
-lies, excuses and appeasements, changing stories, denial of saying things that were clearly said or (supposedly) not absorbing important information that was discussed at legnth
-extremely charming, has a fan club of girls that he talks to on regular, they are all ex’s or former flings
-“Artificially Intelligent” Although he is smart, very smart, sometimes he uses words or phrases which make it exagerated.
-bizarre sexual fetishes, EXTREMELY promiscious
-Has his own set of ideas of what is moral and ethical that goes against most peoples views
-Selfish and Self Centered
-Sexual abuse as a child
-Adopted and has abandonment issues
-Has no boundaries when you request boundaries (i.e. I dont want to talk, leave me alone….continuous texting)
NOT A SOCIOPATH:
-Has had a dog he truly and genuinely seems to have loved. It died recently and not only did he have it cremated but has plans for the ashes.
-Seems to have serious guilt about his adopted mothers death and how he feels like a failure to her
-I have heard and seen him cry and have gotten genuine vibes from him a few times
Do such things automatically disqualify him? Oh and I left out SO many details of our story, this is just the main stuff. I have litterally tried to make this person hate me without causing myself extreme drama (I think telling B about us might do it, but that is more drama than I want to deal with). It has been a stressful 2 years and I am having a really difficult time even now that I have finally decided to let go.
Thanks for listening and input. I know this was long.
I REALLY dont want my name on my above comment…can this be changed?
I Just caught my gf in lies having to do with cheating last week. So much has surfaced since this and I know now what she is. She fits the sociopath to the T. She lied about everything and anything she could. And i know now why she distanced herself from people who could get her caught in these lies. I was so in love I didn’t question a lot of it because I wasn’t getting hurt at the time. She lied about going to college while we lived together (i had work all week, how could i have known when i wasn’t suspicious) She made up lies about having to work during her graduation and lied about reasons why she was back here at home where we first met(which i later found out was because she burned so many people her mom had to bail her out and bring her back) She got fired from a job recently for allegedly stealing, which I never thought she would do. Now i think she definitely did it. When she said she needed space to further her future with school and time to figure it out herself the timing couldn’t have made less sense. I was a mess, crying and breaking down in front of her and telling her things didn’t add up, is there someone else? She lied straight face the whole time, didn’t even hold me while i was crying or cry herself. We were together for 2 years. I found out that a week before she had cheated on me. I was furious when i found out and called her out on it. She still lied until I had to say his name. Then she lied more saying it wasn’t physical and that she only loved me. She was incapable of love. Since I kicked her out she hasn’t responded to any of my texts which were all basically me telling her i found out more lies, and what she had done to me.How much of a piece of shit she is. But she knew what she had done and it doesn’t matter to her. It’s crazy that people like this can be so naturally cruel and cold. Like they are plain evil. I realize that I am much better off, and it still hurts of course. And coming to the realization that you’ve been in love with a lie is hard to wrap your head around. Each day is better and I’m moving on. I just wish these sociopaths came with a warning sign. Or there was a way to make them feel the way they made you feel. It’s sad, really. Lesson learned. I never knew what a sociopath was until i was crushed by one.
W.W.
Thank you William and welcome to the site. It is hard – but you cannot make someone feel what they don’t. Its not personal against you though she will be the same with the next person.
To W.W. I am sorry to hear of your experience, please know we are a great support group here and are always available to listen, keep your head up and remember you do indeed deserve better! Cecily xox
Wow William I could of written the exact same thing like the whole story is the same even the same length of time and lying about college/uni and distancing herself from other people. I always new things were wrong deep down but its amazing what you let go when you love someone! It still amazes me how similar these people are! Been in love with a lie for all that time is so ridiculously hard to get your head around and its been like 5 months for me now. I mean I’m a million times better then I was but the thought of going out with someone new which I’ve had the chance to do Is still too much for me! They really do like to screw us up!
Yes Rob. A Soc is no respecter of person or gender. My Psyc screwed w my head for three years. He went on date sites for straight, gays, and transsexuals. He lied about anything and everything. It’s been two months and I too have had chances to go out but as for relationships?? How do we trust and believe again? I fear I will always wonder if I would come home to an empty house and be abandoned again. No matter who I’m with. Only time will tell.
Welcome to the site to u and William.
Yes Judahbug its going to be really hard to trust again. I have no idea how to have that kind of trust and faith in someone again as soon as they do something small wrong or you find something a little strange about them its hard not to think omg maybe they are a psychopath etc. I mean obviously we cant be naive but its so hard not to think over the top as well. When I go on a date now its like I’m trying to work out if they could be one haha! But maybe its important to try and have some faith that most people are fine or we are letting these evil “people” win. I suppose every time you enter a new relationship its a risk even if they are normal people! There is no way I’m going to give up on all humanity anyway its just complicated for us now!
I know that this sounds like a negative Rob, but perhaps it is a good thing? Maybe you are starting to learn to trust yourself? Perhaps things (red flags) that you would have ignored before and carried on – you now choose to walk away from. Also, I think with trust – maybe this is because you are still healing within yourself. This can take time. It can feel tough as you realise that you are not as open and trusting as you were before. But…. equally you don’t want to go through what you did before. So you are healing…. to attract something better in your life.
Thanks Positivagirl. Yes I agree I feel like I have a lot more faith in myself now and I know I have to go with gut feelings. What I’m finding hard is normally when I break up with someone I get on with life quite quick like go on dates etc. I went out with this girl for like 20months so not a massive time really but after it I just have no motivation to find someone else or go on dates or anything do you think this is normal its been 5 months now feels more like 1 month? I just feel like we had a whole life planned together which was obviously fake a lie you no marriage, kids names, mortgages etc everything wow she moved fast ha but it makes it so hard to just get with someone else its basically taking everything out of me the last few months I feel drained still even though I don’t think about her nearly so much!
@positivagirl
Regarding red flags and not ignoring them after the sociopath experience… these last weeks it happened to me that a man showed interest in me, but now I am not so naive and trusting any more so I checked him up (ok I won’t reveal my methods ;))) … and I found out that he is in the same time flirting heavily with some woman, suggesting her how they would get married etc… Huh 🙂 Off course he doesn’t know that I did my homework and the next time when I met him he was again trying to make eye contact but I just gave him an official (polite but meaningless) “hi”. I can tell you when I found out that about him, he was totally out of any romantic consideration from my side….
Then I googled something about emotionally unavailable men and found one article where they wrote how emotionally unavailable men usually show romantic interest in you while they are in relationship with someone else or pursuing someone else. They are doing it all simultaneously because in that way they are avoiding to completely commit themselves to one person, because that is something they can’t do. They actually can’t love, and the woman that is in relationship with such man will become unsatisfied, unhappy, frightened,frustrated, unsure…
So yes, it is dissapointing to see all that 😦 , but I am more happy to be alone than with some pretending sicko who is no good.
Wow…. but — at least you are learning to trust yourself and your own intuition. 🙂
To all the new Lady’s on the site,
What horrible stories. My heart goes out to each of u as we all know the struggle of dealing with this nightmare.
I always thought that anything I would NOT do to another person , that person would not do to me . Boy, was I ever wrong & naive.
I have come to believe that there is a valuable lesson in this and it’s OK if u can’t see it yet, but u will , as u go on u’re journey to recovery.
I’m Sociopath free for 3mts&26days and feel so much better than I did just 2 mts. ago. I spend a lot of time reading on this site and so books . There is a book called “Puzzling People the labyrinth of a psychopath ” by Thomas Sheridan, I recommend to anybody here.
Lern as much as u can about the disorder it will help u understand . Come back to this site when ever u feel the need . We’re not here to judge u because all of us know the unbearable loneliness that u feel &the confusion & the incredible pain and and and………
Someone said that the lessons we lern the hard way are the lessons we never forget . For me THIS is by far the hardest lesson I ever had to lern and I’m still learning . Just know that you’re not alone !
Love & hug’s to u all
Here is my story. I am not really POSITIVE my guy is a sociopath. Definitely has tendencies…Looking for opinions. I am trying to figure out if I can handle this on my own or need help. I already have issues with attachment to guys and getting over them without the sociopathy. I think mine is more of a sexual and emotionally damaging sociopath than a full on one. But I am not sure. The few times discussions of “sociopaths” has come up, he has acted rather awkward.
Starts exactly 2 years ago:
-Met on facebook in 2011. He had an addiction to Benzos (valium, xanex, etc). Also had a girlfriend (Which i didnt know about for like 2 weeks into our talking) and from the getgo our messages were flirtatious and sexual. Lives 6 hours away (at the time)
-We met through a common interest group and he was also familiar with me bc he had seen me at a concert before about a month prior. Described the outfit to me that I was wearing that day to a T.
-Talks to me on the phone, despite having a long distance GF for approx 12+ hours a day. Continually flirts with me and we are sexual. Calls me things like “baby doll” and although he makes no real promises, i continually get a “maybe someday we will meet/finally get to hook up/(maybe be together)” here and there.
-we start a online website together to make and sell things associated with our common interest. (Nov 2011)
-There is another girl he started talking to right before me in our same common interest network. Let’s call her “B” He passes comments about her being annoying and overbearing. Reads me texts about her looking for his attention and approval. Seems really irritated by her. When she realizes we are working together and also that he is showing interest in me, she gets invasive. Tells him things about me without knowing me. Says I want to break him and his GF up and that is why I want to work with him. Also that I am obsessed and in love with him (pot calling kettle black….but i wont get into it now, youll see..)
-He tells me of what she has to say, in some instances even calls me pissed off saying he had to put her in her place. Obviously, I am not very threatened by this girl since I seem to be “winning” at her game, and she obviously has issues if this is how she acts. I block her on facebook because I am finding her invasive (it is the only way she knows ANYTHING about me). She gets upset, contacts me (through him) and asks to be unblocked, lets be friends. I comply.
-I realize very quickly that he is EXTREMELY promiscuous. He is open about it with me, even thought we flirt sexually and emotionally everyday. I blame it on addiction, at the time. Also talks about how him and his (12 year younger than he long distance) GF have an “open relationship” but then other times makes it like she owns him and he wouldn’t dare cheat on her. When he did cheat on her with his friends mom it was “okay because she would think it was cool he slept with his friends mom, she is cool like that”. But he “couldn’t cheat” with me, just talk and flirt with me all day behind her back. Even made me feel like I was crazy when I told him once that we are having an emotional affair. I think maybe he would sometimes hook up with another friend/ex of his, but as long as there was no sex it wasn’t cheating (more on this later). Pretty sure he had sex with her too. Maybe even others. Hard to remember or know what to believe.
-We start making plans to meet up (December 2011). Up until the day he was supposed to leave I got a run around. Yes, I am coming, cant wait. No I cant I have a GF. No I cant I hate driving that long. Yes of course I am coming, cant wait to be with you. I wont let you down! Doesn’t come. Tells me at one point he told “B” there was no way he could come see her because he already broke a promise to come see me and what wouldn’t be right (I give you this detail for future reference) to get her off his back. No idea if this was true or not, I think he was just trying to build rivalry on my end at this point (later succeeds).
-All day on the phone continues for about 2 months. “Business” talks with mostly flirting and getting to know each other. Still glimpses of “maybe someday” for both sex and hinted at relationship. Decides to quit drugs because his GF wants him to. He is successful doing it on his own. One day the flirting stops. i ask whats up. He tells me he needs to start being more loyal to his girlfriend so they can restart their life together. Talks of having a child with her when she finishes school, how she had to have an abortion, how she is going to support him so he can be a stay at home dad. They seem to fight all the time and she obviously cannot give him the attention he needs if he is spending all hours of the day on the phone with me. And let me tell you, this one needs attention. He would end our calls to take hers and call me right back.
– (January 2012-February) We start fighting a lot, I am sad he is taking the attention away from me and feel mislead all the prior months “promises”. We still talk and flirt sometimes but way less phone, way more text and way less flirting. He starts agreeing with the things “B” would say about my character. Things he just weeks ago was calling me pissed and telling me he went off on her for saying and just being really mean. Our business starts suffering bc we cant get along. He doesn’t want me doing things this and that way when he was so passive about everything when he was on the benzos. Starts to become somewhat controlling and very mean. The business somehow lasts another 6 months after this, but we are both constantly threatening to quit. Things are on the rocks with him and his GF. He goes to the west coast to check out a potential new spot to live. We barely talk while he is gone but when he gets home he calls me and nonchalantly tells me that he stopped at his GFs on the way out west and they are now broken up.
– I wait for him to talk about us maybe finally meeting now. He doesn’t say a word about anything of it. I say “Hey…so are we going to meet”? I get lots of “I Don’t Knows”. At this point I want to meet him for business purposes more than pleasure. He tells me about how “B” is bothering him to come meet her too. I didn’t even know they were really talking more than her usual “harassing” and “annoying” him. Our flirting starts up heavy again with no sign of meeting. He tells me he only meets people at concerts (our common interest- traveling with a band seeing their concerts) because it is too much of an inconvenience to meet people in other states otherwise. The concerts aren’t for around 6 more months.
-It starts to unfold that he and B have been talking regularly and that he has interest in her. It all makes sense since he had started agreeing with the things she was saying about me. He talks about how he will be going to these concerts I speak of with her with her and how she can understand them not meeting until then, why cant I? Also at a later date tells me he doesn’t want to go to the concerts with her, but he wishes he could figure out a way to get the tickets she had for him from her. Her and I have our own slew of problems by this time and are not on good terms because of the way she has acted towards and about me. Again, he is a whole another crazy story I could write another novel on, if she was worth my time…
-I am pretty heartbroken he is talking to and considering her over me after all the negative he would speak about her and of course because she has shown me no good. I express this disappointment to him and his attitude is “who cares if I once said those things about her”.
-From there he would continue to sometimes talk negatively on B, or sometimes use her to put me down in various ways. Either pass comments about her being better than me in some way shape or form or tell me he agreed with something she said about me. I asked that he please don’t talk to her about me or me with her. Multiple times. He often tells me she doesn’t care to talk about me, which, well. Okay. She certainly did when she was intimidated by our relations (and still continued to, I know it). It was starting to drive me crazy. I had had enough of him being controlling and mean, making me jealous, putting me down, using her to put me down.
-We are still flirting sexually. That exists pretty much through our whole relationship (yes, we end up meeting and hooking up). We start to realize we have similar abnormal sexual fetishes and really connect on this. Our “sexual” relationship is intense. I am not sure, however, if I am maybe getting the same pictures and texts as other girls are. I am especially weary and not cool with that if he is talking to me and B within the same context at the same time, as he is now playing us against each other…”A said this about you”….”B said this about you”….A responded to what you said about her this way”.
-(March 2012) I get fed up and end the business. I block him from my phone, Facebook and shut everything down. Send him an email saying its over. He writes me through our paypal account something like “You should have never done this. you will be sorry”. This is after months of various forms of emotional and verbal abuse. I am scared. He can be REALLY scary when he is angry. I also feel bad for ending a business relationship to harshly. At this point, I am addicted to him. I want him out of my life but I cannot let him go. This incident was the start of truly felling that way. I also accidentally (seriously, I had NO intention of hitting send but my laptop did for me when i moved it) sent “B” a message on facebook telling her things like “its over, hes yours. Good luck, He is crazy. I want peace with you, i am sorry for my contributions to this game.” I also said in response to her telling him she was “going to tell me how good his dick tastes” (and him in turn telling me she said so) that “i would really rather not know what his most likely STD infested dick tastes like, so please, spare me the details.” I guess I should also mention, this girl has NO ideas about his promiscuity or his odd sexual fetishes. She thinks he can do know wrong and I later find out she thinks i “said awful things to him about her” within sending that message (again, unintentionally) . Honey, its called the truth!
-I call him the next day because I feel awful and this sick helpless attachment. we make up, he takes me back into his life with open arms and it seems a million pounds of stress has been lifted off him by my phone call and will to work things out. the business, which is now kind of failing but was successful in the beginning continues. It is starting to become a tool we use to control and threaten each other more and more and we aren’t making money they way we were in the beginning. He doesn’t seem to care one bit about the message that I accidentally sent B. Most guys would never talk to a girl who sent a girl he is interested in a message like that again, yes? Well not this one. She was WAY more pissed than him. One of the first signs that made me think there is something wrong.
-(April 2012) We get into a HUGE fight that involves other people. I react to him betraying me with a vengeance that I know will piss him off, hopefully to the point where he wants nothing to do with me anymore, if he finds out. He does find out. Hell breaks lose. Every threat in the world is thrown at me besides death. Hell, maybe even death, who knows. The business is over. I am really sad and remorseful, despite my desire to let go of all this. But I also think that I think for sure, I am finally free of this mess I got myself into and in due time, I will heal. There is NO way he will want to know me after this. He also wont take responsibility for his back stabbing action that caused me vengeance towards him, only what I did in reaction was wrong. The next day he calls me, gets annoyed when I am cold and don’t want to talk, I cave, we talk it out and also we have phone sex. Who wants to have phone sex with a girl who he found out stabbed him in the back hard just a day or two earlier? He uses the “I am so attracted to you” card to gain me back here, because I was ready to be done.
-He moves all the way to the west coast without meeting me nor B, 6 hours each away from his home in Ohio, before going. I am at the point where I am telling him for weeks prior if he doesn’t meet me as he drives through my city, I am done with the business. Promises he will stop. We aren’t sure if we will hook up because his friend he also hooks up with will be traveling with him and he proposes it might be weird. I tell him i don’t care about that, I need to meet for business purposes. We aren’t getting along and maybe meeting will help us gain respect. He starts to tell me days before, when I ask that he is taking a route through Colorado to see his ex (who he is supposedly, to this day, still in love with. I am starting to wonder if she even exists or if she is a tool he uses but I am PRETTY sure she does. Actually I know she does but the way he uses her as a tool to hurt other girls when she is barely in his life is just insane). I know he is lying because the girl he was traveling with and his ex have problems. It is confirmed when I see pictures the friend posts on Facebook of the Thruway to my city. I let it slide. Still continue to run the business and flirt. Business is bringing in no money to either of us at this point, despite my efforts. Pretty sure at this point he knew he wasn’t going to concerts on the east coast with B. He might have still been letting her think and make plans for them though.
-Although we ran a business together, many of our products were kept separate. Besides for a few instances where he was a little sheisty and shady, He never pulled any weird financial stuff regarding the business. I handled most of that aspect of it though. One day all of a sudden he starts accusing me of owing him money for his product that I had. He had product of mine too and our agreement was that we would pay each other for product as it was sold. He had much more product than me, and I had much more of his product than he mine, as I had more opportunity to sell outside of the website. We were business partners. Why would I be buying his stock in a partnership? He starts to get really irate from me and is acting weird sexually and being really cold towards me. It made me uncomfortable and sad because I am addicted, so like a fool, I cave and pay him. He emotionally and sexually backed me into a corner until i paid him.
-Right around this time he also makes a point to call me (phone calls were weird and rare at this stage) to announce to me that B pushed some major boundaries by acting like they are a couple online when they aren’t (hadn’t even met yet). Tells me she is cut and blocked and that he has no desire to talk to her anymore. Things get REALLY good between he and I as at this point she was a huge barrier in our relationship (“friendship”).
-One day a few weeks later he reveals to me nonchalantly that they are talking again. “I got a awesome package from B today!” I get upset and jealous. He tells me they are going to the concerts in San Fran together (after he bailed on the week on the east coast they had “planned”). He had also made mention of me and him possibly going together at this point and also that he might take his ex that he is in love with (even thought she isn’t a huge fan of the band and isn’t into traveling and he hadn’t seen her in 6 months by this time). So now I am upset he is meeting us both at the same time, at the same concert, but he is going with her after stringing us both along for almost a year. Plus, she hates me which is going to make it difficult for us to even meet beyond the point of “hello” and small talk. After almost a year of extremely regular communication. When I said “but i thought you couldn’t stand her anymore because of reason 1, 2, 3 & 4 the response was the same as it always is for everything: “Who cares if I once said and felt those things.” I told him i really doubt we can remain friends if he ends up seriously involved with this girl.
-(August 2012) I go to San Fran. The weeks leading up to it are rough for me individually and for us both as “friends”. Of course we are still sexually flirting on the regular, intensely, up until the event. We meet during the concert, a brief meeting. All of our interactions during those 3 days were brief and awkward. B wont even look at me never say hello and he is with her the whole time. I had lost my phone on the first night but when i got to my hotel sent an email saying It was good to meet him and he is adorable and some of our flirting stuff. He doesn’t respond to the email, but I later find out (from B) that he told her everything I wrote besides for the sex stuff.
-We get home, he texts me asking if I will still be his friend if he is with B. I assumed from the few times I saw them together in San Fran that this might be the case. So I was somewhat prepared and also feeling kind of ambivalent about the whole thing. Him being there with her just kind of turned me off. I do want what I have been anxiously lusting over for almost a year though. I tell him I would probably be an acquaintance and what was going to happen with our sex stuff? You build up sex for a year then never act on it? He starts telling me how badly he still wants me and we start flirting hard. We are going to see each other again in a week for more concerts and where he was originally supposed to go with his (extremely detached) ex, plans have changed and he and B are now going together. I am upset because I figured at least if he was with the ex, maybe we could actually have a real meeting and a conversation and what not instead of dealing with the awkwardness that is B. We start trying to plan to meet up before. He says it has to be before because he plans to commit to B at these shows. All of our attempts fail, including my attempt to buy him a flight to come to a completely different show so we can hook up and spend actual real time together before he “commits” to this girl I cannot stand.
-YES. I KNOW I AM AN IDIOT AND THIS SHOULD HAVE ENDED LONG AGO. But sociopaths play on our weaknesses and making us even weaker than we already are, yes? And I REALLY wanted/needed the amazing sex we built up anticipation for for so long.
-I see him after the first night of the next concert we are both at in the parking lot and we have a weird interaction followed by texts about how badly we lust each other. The next day I see him before the show in the parking lot and he tells me how much he is turned on by me and how much he wants me. I ask him how things are with he and B. He says “alright. she is way too into me.” We sneak off to hook up a little for what will be the first time ever. He tells me he and B could have a great future together (I know she always wanted to “take care of him” (her words) and I think was proposing some miraculous awesome future that she was selling him on) but that he isn’t really sexually attracted to her, he “is attracted to other things” and that she is too sensitive and fragile for him. He seemed really uninterested and unhappy to be with her and really into me. We hooked up a little and text sexually AND romantically until morning after the concert. While she in bed sleeping, he was sending me texts and sexual pictures from the next room. We had now made last minute plans to spend a extra night after the concerts together, after him telling me we could only hook up if it was before. He talks about how he cant wait to see me in the parking lot again the next day and how sorry he is for everything and how he realized no one will ever share what he and I do and how he wants our sexual relationship for life. But he will be with B…..for now (keep in mind they had only met in person a week prior). The next day he is kind of ignoring me. Not completely but I thought we were going to experience a lust full day of sneaking off like the day before. That is what he was proposing in our texts the night before. I am annoyed and sad and confused. That night we end up at the same party afterwards. I start to feel awkward because of B and not being really sure where he and I stand, with him being somewhat stand offish that day. I leave. As I leave he texts me “I am so attracted to you. I loooove being around you. Move to my city”. I tell him I am leaving and he asks if I can stick around until B passes out. I do. We sneak off, hook up. He wouldn’t do anything sexual to me out of “respect” but told me he couldn’t wait to have sex with me tomorrow (the extra night we are spending together). The next day he texts me “B is talking of changing her flight”….meanwhile I had really inconvenienced myself by re booking for this extra day. I tell him this and I am like “you are obligated to me, I made these plans for you!”. He reveals she isn’t staying and I think he said he misunderstood her. I meet him at the hotel and within seconds he announces “I cant kiss you, have sex with you or do anything to you”. i am PISSED. He says “c’mon I just had sex with B”. We hook up and I force him to do sexual things with me but he still gets away with no intercourse somehow. Cries to me about how he loves his ex and also about how he has anxiety about just cheating on B with me and how things changed over the course of the weekend (umm….you were with me 12 hours ago? telling me you cant wait for actual sex with me…), and that they had an emotional parting at the airport and all this nonsense. Yes, he did literally cry. Which makes me question his being a sociopath. But I also think people can fake crying and It wasn’t an intense cry so maybe it was fake. Definitely could have been. I had also heard him cry heavy on the phone once or twice, always under the influence of drugs though. We part ways at the airport in the morning, I am devastated. We get home and continue to flirt as he gushes about his new relationship with B. I remind him of all the things he told me about her just days earlier. He says he never thought or felt those things about her and blamed alchohol/(his high dosages of) recreational drugs during the concerts for saying such things. When I would say things like you left her bed side for me he would respond with things like “Who cares if I let my sexual desires take control at that point”. I tell him I cant talk to him anymore. Block him from my life. Somehow he enters again a few weeks later…
-Flirting and fighting about him being with B if he isn’t in love with her or committed to her and more mayhem continues through the holidays. Sometimes he is with B, sometimes he isn’t. The story always changes. She lives on east coast, he on west. He tells me one day he told her he is still in love with his ex (that he didn’t want to be with her exclusively, in his eyes) and she was very cool with it.
-(December 2012/January2013) B is visiting him for new years for over a week. He had just gotten back from visiting his family for about 2 weeks, only 6 hours from her, for the holidays. Six hours from your “girlfriend” who lives on the other side of the country and you dont see her? Even though she is meeting you back west? And she is meeting you back west when you were already east? hmmmm. Sounds healthy and normal to me! We agree our best bet is to just not talk when she is there. I tell him I actually have decided that I don’t want to be in his life if she is the path he is choosing after all he has put me through with her and within their “relationship”. We stop talking for what in my head is good. It seems he is going to take up a “future” with this girl while flirting sexually with me intensely everyday and I want nothing to do with it. I get a email from him a few days before she leaves saying something to the effect of “Don’t worry, everything is cool. Hope you are well.” i ask what he means by this and like a full day later I get a response “shes not for me as a GF. I am not with her anymore and not going to be”. We start talking again, they remain “friends’ (in her eyes still dating). I have a trip planned to his city, I have wanted to go to a school there for a long time and was going to check out the city and school (of course, even though he is reluctant to this day to admit it, he thinks it is because of him that i want this school and city. When in reality, he is the one “con” of me potentially moving there). I tell him I am coming, he is very excited. But starts to say things like….you cant tell anyone you are coming. This becomes a big deal to us both because he is really trying to enforce that I keep it a secret and I am not going there for him so to me it is unfair that I am being asked to keep something so exciting to me (checking out the school and city) a secret. And….he is supposedly single! . AND….we are supposedly friends…that is already our cover. what does it matter if i end up in his city for a weekend. Huge stress, but like an idiot I comply halfway and keep it pretty hush hush. He comes to my hotel two nights while I am there, we have actual sex finally and get along pretty well despite a few conflicts (people will think moving there for him, why I had to keep a secret I was coming, Is he still with B? etc. I am sure by now you can imagine.) The second night he comes there “upset” about his ex and not feeling sexual (didn’t last) and it is a battle to get him to hook up for a while. “Cant we just hang out as friends?” but will not be seen in public with me or allow me to come to his house (where he has two roommate who now know B). Makes up 3 different excuses why I cant come there and avoids my calls and texts all day that Sunday after telling me he would hang out with me for a few hours while I had no where to go. He insists on driving me to the airport the next day, as what I assume was his attempt to make up for all the lies and avoidance from the day before.
-(through June 2013) Get home from that trip, upset, we fight about the whole thing over and over…how I am a secret friend. Is he still with B? All the lies to avoid me on Sunday (which he is still denying but months later admits), months go on of the same stuff, flirting, fighting, issues with B, uncertainty of truths, etc. He is going to the upcoming concerts in the summer with B and I am upset because she restricts the time we can spend together (and pulls him away whenever we even try to talk) and because I don’t want to feel like I am sneaking around and the other woman to her. I had enough of that. We make plans to meet in his city after the run of shows. I suggest before and he answers “arrggh B is going to be here”. So we plan after. Things are REALLY good for us for a couple of months leading up to the concerts. No fighting, sex stuff just as hot, if not hotter than ever. He is talking sexually to a million other people, but at this point I accept that about him and know if the slight chance we ever ended up together, we would need an open relationship to be healthy. He makes that apology about treating me like a secret to protecting B and at this point has also stood up to her about our friendship and admitted to her we are still really close (although never told her the real truth…which has now also begun to take a toll on me. This girl thinks I am nothing to him and that she is so much better than me….but again, her insanity and the issues that exist between her and I is a whole another novel).
-I get to his city before the concerts. We meet up because I need to borrow something from him. We are in my friends room at her apartment and we hook up. He tells me he cant do anything to me or have sex because B is back at his place. I am confused.He told me weeks earlier that he told her he could only go through with having sex with her if she could accept they were friends. I assume from that statement, they probably wont be having sex bc a) he has told me tons of times in different ways he isn’t attracted to her and b) this girl will most likely NEVER accept they are just friends. At the same time how can I blame her for thinking differently? She is about to embark on 2 weeks of traveling with him one on one, sharing beds, etc. I ask him if he was hooking up with her. He says “yeah i was but then my dog died 2 days ago and I haven’t been in the mood” ….as he just had an orgasm minutes prior with me. Also in our discussion mentions how B “thinks their bond is even stronger now (in the tone/sense that he doesn’t) and that she was there when his dog died and dealt with that with him. That’s the other thing….he had a dog…and supposedly loved animals. Even went to school to be a vet tech for a short time (but also confessed to me it was to get good pet drugs….it was during his SERIOUS benzo addiction). Does that eliminate him from this classification? Oh, I guess I should add that at this point that she has be convinced or she thinks that the only reason they aren’t together is because he is in love with his ex, that he hasn’t seen now in a year and a half…so obviously B feels non threatened by all that. I ask him if he is like “dating” her for the concerts and he said yes, kind of after acting like it was friends all along. and sometimes like he wanted nothing to do with the arrangement of spending that time with her. He also tells me that she is cool and knows their boundaries and that he is going to tell her I am coming and staying with him after the 2 weeks of concerts are over. This made me so happy. He also made talk about us maybe ending up together some day when I told him I love him and would be with him. All bullshit.
-The 2 weeks of concerts happen with some conflict between he and I and also B who now wont say hello to me (we had been making efforts to be friendlier to each other). I complain about B giving me the cold shoulder and he starts accusing me of giving her the cold shoulder. I also complain about her tearing us apart and he says things like “well we came here together”. I ask him a bunch of times during the two weeks if I should still come back to his city after and one morning close to the end of the two weeks we met up for a “his pleasure only because he cant disrespect B!” hook up session. He definitely believed that as long as he didn’t do anything to pleasure me it wasn’t “cheating on” or in this current case “being under handed towards he (and I am sure and he has admitted many..okay probably all other “girlfriends” of his past) while he was spending time with her. He reiterates in question form during this meetup that I am indeed coming to his city after the concerts. I tell him yes. At this point I had decided to fly to his city after instead of drive with my friends because I just really didn’t want to wait anymore to be with him. I asked him at some point when he gets in and he told me around 5:30. I book a flight that gets in around that time and the day of our flights he tells me his flight is at 8. Basically, I have 4 hours to kill all by myself, with my luggage in a somewhat strange city now. Before his flight even takes off he tells me in a text I might need to stay elsewhere (i have other friends there) on Wednesday because “D” (another girl he was having sexual relations with) might be in town. I am already devastated from these two situations and feel so disrespected and sad. We finally meet up at the airport hours after I arrive. I of course am pissed off and just sad and we take a cab to his place. He tells me I need to pay for the cab because he has no money. I ask if we can take a train. He says he thinks he has some money on a card. I end up paying, of course. He says he will pay me back, but doesn’t, But he bought us food delivery, so I let it slide. We get to his house and he tells me B almost changed her flight to come back here. I said, “Yeah i figured she would, What did you tell her (don’t forget the promise that he was going to tell her about me coming there) and he said I didn’t tell her anything she decided not to. I said….”so you would have let her come?”. he said yes!!! I told him that is messed up we have had these plans for weeks to which he responded “whatever, I’m not going to tell my friend i just spend to weeks with and that was there for me through my dogs death that they can’t come here if they want to. The phone calls from her start…she is crying they are apart….he leaves the house to talk to her some and I hear him saying ” I am not talking about this now” over and over again in my presence. I found out she thought this whole time he was sexually monogamous to her (yet another reason she assumed they were together), but did find out about the girl he was telling me that I had to leave for and was texting him things like “have fun having sex with D”. I keep asking him if he is with B and whats her deal and of course get all kinds of crazy answers including “I would be with her if she would let me be with other woman” (I offered him that) and that there is just something off about their sex. That night we have sex and hang out and have sex and hang out. He starts saying after sex we shouldn’t do this, there is emotional attachment. Then it would be sex again, without hesitation. What happened to us maybe being together someday? And it is a problem that I have “emotional attachment” (which, I kind of didn’t…not romantic emotional attachment anyway) but it is okay to have sex with B who has them married in her head even though he supposedly tells her they aren’t together and seems genuinely disgusted by the idea of sex with her. He had just started talking to this new girl, also in our common interest group and now between our sex is texting with her and pretty much ignoring me. In addition to my emotional attachment, he is saying he doesn’t want to have sex with me because he wants to change and settle down and be monogamous with one girl. Either the ex or this new girl (more Facebook bait that he hasn’t met yet.) and getting mad at me for doubting his wanting to change. I ended up leaving his house after 36 hours and also left for a good 8 one day just to not have to be around him. We had sex around ten times in those 36 (minus the 8 i was away from his house) hours and pretty much every single time after he told me we shouldn’t do this anymore. He also wouldn’t let me sleep in his bed in the two overnights I was there! And one of his excuses was “I have been sharing a bed (with B) for two weeks. I just want to sleep alone.” When I told him that (among many other things) was disrespectful he says it is not. Find me a girl okay with sleeping in the other room and I will find you a desperate self esteem-less SUCKER. I guess I should also add, probably should have added it long ago…I have invalidation issues and he is well aware of them through our intense “bonding” the year prior.
-I came home and nothing has been the same between he and I since. We tried to work it out once or twice (at his request) but at this point it cant be worked out. I see him a few weeks later, at more concerts, again with B. Seeing him devastates me rather unexpectedly. We are in the city where his ex lives and he has been talking for months about seeing her this weekend, yet he is there with B. He comes up to me and starts talking about how his hotel view is where we had sneaked off to hook up the year prior. Really, reminiscing about sex with a girl you don’t want to have sex with because you fear emotional attachment? B is feet away as he talks. Silly me should have kept that conversation going as she approached to tear us apart (hes all yours B!) He also tells me at another point is is trying to see her ex but she is being crazy. I keep approaching him asking how his “changes” are going knowing full well he is having sex with B, I can tell in their body language. We get back to our homes after the concerts and I make it clear, so I thought that I didn’t want to talk anymore. I know he had sex with B and I hate the way he treated me in his city the few weeks prior. Sick of his lies, appeasements, run around and changing situations that revolve around his terms. He has told me a few times that he had no idea I was coming to his city just for him and he also didn’t know I would be staying with him the whole time. We had it planned for weeks. I was trying to stay civil, no blocking on Facebook or phone. I guess I should mention a few times I had asked him not to talk to me in the past without blocking, he wouldn’t comply, including the time between when I left his city and the concerts he was at in his ex’s city with B. Always found an excuse to make contact, but it would “make him cry” when I blocked him. So, I tried to be civil and leave him unblocked. Was feeling really free of everything recently and put up a status on facebook about how good it feels to be free and no one should ever let anyone cause them mental anguish for years or months or days. I get a text from him a minute later “glad you are good”. I don’t respond. I get another text the next day. I tell him i don’t want to talk. Somehow, of course, we end up talking, His response to something i said was that is unfair that you would say that but wont even give me an example so I can explain, Everything has an explanation. Of course it does; you are probably a sociopath. We somehow end up talking on the phone where he tells me B has finally come to terms with the fact that they aren’t together. He tells me I have no idea how manipulative and controlling she was and he feels so much relief and freedom now that she is leaving alone. I asked if he saw his ex in her city when we were there and he said no. When I asked why not he said B was controlling and manipulating him and saying he wouldn’t be welcome at their hotel and to the concerts with her if not. He lived in that city for maybe ten years and has a ton of friends that live there in addition to the friends that were there for the concerts. I asked if she (B) knows about the new girl (who she already didn’t like for whatever B reason) he says of course, the ex and her was how she finally realized they wouldn’t be together. He told me when she found out about the new girl that she unblocked her from Facebook, as she had had her blocked for whatever reason, to spy on them. B also spied on us early on and even after I had her blocked as recently as this past winter. Last time she did and reported to him with her findings, he came down on me for “posting on his stuff” and not on her for somehow spying. More invalidation. So it is a problem when she spies on them but not us….He also said he has been committed to his ex and this new girl and will be with one of them and is still focused on changing. I said so you don’t talk to this girl and that girl and this girl and that guy (yes he is into guys) and this girl…named off around 7 people that I know he has been sexual with either in real live or over the phone for at least 6 months or more. He said no. But also mentioned he had GREAT sex with B (the girl he supposedly didn’t like having sex with and who is more emotionally attached to him than ANYONE) in his ex’s city at the concerts. He also mentioned having sex with the girl that he asked me to leave his house for sometime between then and now. But he is being celibate for these two girls. There was another time I had asked him if he was still celibate sarcastically in a text and he said No because you wouldn’t let me be, you quilted me into having sex with you (it was why I went back to his city) and practically raped me (not true, besides for the fact that he likes dominant women). More invalidation. He also speaks of “something” that kept him with B and he wont say what. Says his personal life is none of my business when I know some (supposed) really dark deep secrets and facts about him. I am starting to think she was supporting him financially. I have thought this in the past and one of the things he said when she said she was controlling and manipulative was “she booked all the flights and planned everything…she played on my passiveness” when I told him he lead her on by traveling alone with her so much if he wasn’t interested in being with her. I was acting crazy for few days because I was so disrupted by his contact I was truly finding peace and him realizing that by my Facebook status is what made him contact me kind of relentlessly. Sociopathic. I am feeling at peace again but I have found peace in remembering what I thought long ago- That he is a sociopath.
I want to make a list of why I am conflicted on whether he is or not, because I am really not sure.
IS A SOCIOPATH:
-Preys on insecurities
-Preys on girls on unmet/unknown girls on the internet, often
-lies, excuses and appeasements, changing stories, denial of saying things that were clearly said or (supposedly) not absorbing important information that was discussed at legnth
-extremely charming, has a fan club of girls that he talks to on regular, they are all ex’s or former flings
-“Artificially Intelligent” Although he is smart, very smart, sometimes he uses words or phrases which make it exagerated.
-bizarre sexual fetishes, EXTREMELY promiscious
-Has his own set of ideas of what is moral and ethical that goes against most peoples views
-Selfish and Self Centered
-Sexual abuse as a child
-Adopted and has abandonment issues
-Has no boundaries when you request boundaries (i.e. I dont want to talk, leave me alone….continuous texting)
-Although claimed to be very upset and that he held a lot of guilt, seemed rather ambivalent about his dog dying
NOT A SOCIOPATH:
-Has had a dog he truly and genuinely seems to have loved. It died recently and not only did he have it cremated but has plans for the ashes.
-Seems to have serious guilt about his adopted mothers death and how he feels like a failure to her
-I have heard and seen him cry and have gotten genuine vibes from him a few times
Do such things automatically disqualify him? Oh and I left out SO many details of our story, this is just the main stuff. I have literally tried to make this person hate me without causing myself extreme drama (I think telling B about us might do it, but that is more drama than I want to deal with). It has been a stressful 2 years and I am having a really difficult time even now that I have finally decided to let go.
Thanks for listening and input. I know this was long. And Celina, even thought it has only been a few weeks….I still feel like I did/am doing something wrong and that I someday want to let him back in my life. I know these are feelings I need to try to let go of. I could really relate to what you said though and saw myself in your shoes years down the line when I read it. He was the greatest addiction I have EVER faced and at this stage I am still unsure I have or can kick him. Staying strong…..trying. He is now blocked from my phone and has actually been good about not contacting me. Albeit only a week or so since our last encounter.
Wow, Bee (interesting username choice, given your dislike for ‘B’?) You have been playing his game for awhile. I’m not sure you even like him though. Of the women, you seem to have a pretty clear image of what/who he is. Forgive me if mistaken but, I almost wonder if you’re mostly annoyed at him not choosing you as his #1.
You do know that what he tells ‘B’ is that you are the “business contact”, and that it’s nothing more than business, right? I’m not sure about his sociopathy, but he is definitely a died-in-the-wool player, and he won’t be able to change that now that he knows there are women in the world who will accept him as such—he will only grow more skillful with time. Definitely not a lifetime partner, unless you want to continue to experience a world of hurt.
Well yes of course unwanted to be his number one! He fooled me into thinking I might be in the beginning.
I have SEVERE acceptance from guy issues (obese female with a father who told her she would never be with a man or have or have friends bc she was overweight her while childhood). He knew this early on in our “bonding”.
I don’t like him. He charmed me good for a few months before getting nasty towards me and I clung on to the hope and charm through the storm. Became addicted to his manipulation and cunning ways.
Some of his traits are DEFINITELY sociopathic. But I do not think he’s a full on sociopath. I DO feel victimized in the same sense.
We don’t run a business together anymore, haven’t for over a year now and yes I’m sure he has told B a world of lies about me and has probably talked negatively about me to her as well.
I think he knows he has sociopathic tendencies or he might even know he is a sociopath which makes him that much better at his game.
In over this person and trying to break away. It’s very difficult. Every tine I finally start to forgive and move on from it all, something surfaces that takes me back to square one. Last night it was finding out he gave away a gift that I gave him.
I chose Bee bc my last name starts with a B and thats what some people call me. didn’t make the correlation at the time. Although the situation for a while caused me to be unhealthily obsessed with Bee.
Distraught.
Be thankful Rob that we learned at all before some life threatening disease. l
I get it, I really do. The thing is that he has to discredit you by slandering you in order to justify (in his mind) how he’s treated you, and why he left you. My ex-bf has discredited ALL of his ex’s … That should have been my first clue. It sure will be should I ever run across it again .. (and I hope I don’t)
Oops I meant to respond to Bee’s post above, in case I’ve confused anyone.
Hi Bee,
It is understandable how you are feeling. I think it’s good that you are finally wanting to break away and seeking recovery. As some have said here before, it really is inconsequential if he really is a sociopath or not though, this man is very unhealthy for you.
You seem very bright and capable. As I mentioned, you got in there and figured out this situation probably better than the majority of women he interacts with. I don’t care what your abusive father told you or why, you deserve better.
Something one of my early teachers did with me when I was crying over something someone in authority had said to me, was this: She put me in front of a mirror and said, “How do you think you look today?” I said, “I think I look alright.” She said, “What if I told you you don’t look good at all? Are you just going to buy into that because I am your teacher and someone you are *supposed* to be able to trust?” Reject your father’s early assessments, Bee—you have that power as the unique, intelligent, capable person you are. Sometimes, we don’t know what causes a person to do/say the hurtful things they do that cause us damage, but you can definitely embrace in this case that the issues were his, not yours. If you could seek counseling for what you’ve been through with this guy, and also in your early life experience, it would probably benefit you greatly in many aspects of your life. It’s painful to see someone smart like you, who can run businesses, settle for less in relationships.
I wanted to write this here….. just so that you know – you can grow stronger. Life can get better. You CAN find you again. I found this today. This was ME…. and my story – written elsewhere on 11th July 2012…… Or at least – the story of the last – charismatic sociopath – I guess this story – is the bones of this site. I cant put it up as the main story (as he would likely see it…) ….. but he probably wouldn’t read the replies here. This is how I was. What went through my mind. Once I was hurting just as bad too (and also needed to write my very long story of what happened to me) needed just someone to understand and listen…..
My story.
I guess i was prime target for my sociopath. At the time i lived in a nice house, had a good job. But i was vulnerable. I had been through a lot in the previous two years (my daughter died in jan 10, father left 6 days later, i lost 100k all my life savings, after that i met a narcissist who i stayed with for more than a year, who mentally and emotionally destroyed me, my social life disappeared)
I met my sociopath in December 2011. At the time, i was trying to pick up the pieces of my life. I was definately vulnerable. I had already been through so much. The relationship has just ended… i feel so isolated, i wanted to speak to someone – who understands.
I met him, and he swept me off my feet. He was so charming. He told me he had a 45k a year job, that he was about to buy an alfa romeo car, he would pay 3 months rent in advance. He told me how he would want me to work part time so that he could look after me.This was all lies. He was actually unemployed, but this wouldnt come out until later. He told me that he had a little girl, that he saw every other weekend. He made out that he was a responsible father. Often saying ‘what kind of father would i be’ he made out he had good morals and was a good guy.
The truth was that he was actually unemployed, he couldnt drive, he had no savings. He told me that his grandfather was going to give him 3,000 but this was again a lie. He moved into my house. We seemed to get on so well, it felt too good to be true. He said that his previous ex was a psychopath. He maintained he had a great relationship with the mother of his daughter.
In Jan he was still fobbing me off about money – i was paying for everything, whilst he pretended that he had a job. He then said that the mother of his daughter was going to die of cancer and that his daughter would come to live with us (this was particularly cruel as my own daughter had died). I went through months of fake telephone calls to hospitals, his ex, schools to arrange for her to come. It kept being delayed. i bought her new bedding and things for her room, and bought food especially for her. I gave him money to collect his daughter. He was meant to take empty suitcases to pick up his daughter. Instead i returned home to notes, he had taken the cash and left. I was beyond stunned. Instead of taking empty suitcases, he packed his things and left. Leaving me a note telling me how much he loved me and that he would return. He said he had to go back to be with his daughter she needed him.
the weeks before that, I had told him that he needed to get a job, he never admitted that the job hadnt existed. He went to an interview, he got head hunted so he said at the interview, he had a new job, would be line managing 60 people, and could earn a lot of money. Every day he had gone to work, (at my expense) i paid for everything, food, bills, tobacco, mobile phone credit and internet. I was feeling financial strain and going heavily into debt. He assured me that he would soon be paid, and would give me 600 to help. I was waiting for his payday, when he was going to collect his daughter… instead i came home to notes. I was beyond devastated.
Days later he returned to live with me. He said he was devasted, his daughter had been taken away by his exes twin sister. THen began the fake telephone calls to solicitors to fight for access to his child. He came back and said that he had sold fishing gear back there. He would be taking me out all week. He borrowed money for the coach fare back, from my friends telling them that he couldnt pay cash could they put it on their card. He never paid it back.
He took me out all week, paid for everything, wouldnt allow me to get my card out. All week there were the fake telephone calls. He said there was a delay in payment for his wages. On the day he was meant to get paid, he created a massive scene, called the police on me and left. I was stunned, and confused, and of course devasted. I went to use my bank card. I had no money in my account.
That weekend, i received two emails. One from his ex housemate, and one from his ex girlfriend. They said he was a compulsive liar and a thief. I didnt believe he was a thief. I said how i was left starving with no money. They told me to check my bank. I almost didnt. Who would steal from my bank account? It turned out that he had stolen £350 from my account in two transactions. He had taken me out for meals etc from money stolen from my account, leaving me without food money, or nothing and no money to pay my rent bills or anything. He had been using my card in stores. I couldnt believe it, and called the police. I was going to press charges for fraud.
The next few weeks were hell. He sent emails to friends about me. Saying the most terrible lies. New friends I had met, he harassed until they stopped speaking to me. He contacted my family members said i did drugs and said the most awful things.
I was so stunned, so confused, i didnt know what was happening. My head was spinning it felt out of control. He was threatening me and it was getting worse. He then said that he had borrowed 1000 from his grandfather, and wanted to give it to me. He was hundreds of miles away, I told him i couldnt afford to travel there, i was by now so in debt. He promised he had it. I guess mostly i knew he didnt, I wanted closure and i needed to ask WHY? So i went there, of course there was no money.
at this point i was of course going to walk away from him. But then, he did a clever thing. He told me that he had been a liar. He was so sorry. He didnt want to lose me. He even let me call the mother of his daughter, turns out she wasnt dying of cancer. that was a lie. In fact he hadnt seen his daughter in years. He confessed to everything.
Of course, this was probably to get me to drop the fraud charge. Trying to passify me and build trust. I did. He said he would look for a job in my city and return. He said he would work hard and pay off debts. i was by now so far in debt, I didnt want our relationship to be over. He told me he would be honest. He confessed to everything. I was stunned but appreciated his honesty (then i didnt understand about sociopaths), after all he had called my ex who destroyed me after my daughter died a psychopath…..
He moved back here, saying he had a job interview, he was sure that he would get the job. he always does well at interviews. But of course he moved all the way here, and there was no job interview. He just had to hand in his CV?? By now finances were so bad. I was 2,300 in rent arrears. When he had taken off, he called police said i was going to take my life they smashed my door in causing thousands of pounds of damage. I was without a letterbox for months.
I was angry he didnt have an interview, apart from the lies, he was always so charming. Cooked for me, was clean and made me laugh. He didnt put me down personally. In fact, he was healing from the last one (who i believe now was probably a narcissist and a sociopath, he had threatened to kill me)… He made me feel good. I forgave his lies, told him he had to get another job. So he did…. but it didnt last, he never got paid, said he didnt finish the training. Then there was another job, he went to work, but didnt get paid,… he said he didnt complete induction through an agency.
He had needed to get his teeth fixed, i took him to dentist who said they could do the work (I think possibly this was one of the reasons he came back)…. each time with false jobs, and false salary that never came into my bank account… i borrowed more money on high interest rates so we could get by until he was paid. I bought him a bike, as i had one he was running next to me. We went camping… he started another job. this one ran on for weeks. (there would be spaces of weeks between jobs, i guess to span out time freeloading)… he would get up 6am every day, go to work for 730 returning at 5pm every day. He did this for weeks. I thought he MUST have a job, nobody would get up at this time every day. of course i kept checking the account for money going in, it was never there. He even contacted me said he had seen the person he would have 320 go into my account tomorrow. Well as he was out of the house all day i had no reason to think otherwise. Next day came there was no money. he said there was an error, they would all be paid on Monday, more elaborate stories, said they would pay cash. Each day he would tell me about his day, he would tell me things that happened. Of course Monday came i called the bank i was still overdrawn. He had spent all the money all weekend, had eaten all the food from my freezer. We were now without food. I called asked what was going on? He said … it was a job through a job club. he was only getting 10 extra on his social security benefits. He was too ashamed to tell me. I asked him what would we do? We had no food… he said he would sell his laptop and ipod. Instead, he stole MY ipod (which had all the music i listened to when my daughter died), took a mobile phone, and i discovered later, an expensive watch i had bought in memory of my dead daughter.
Next morning i said he had to leave. He called police on me. Yelling and lying that i was threatening him. I dont know what he had hoped to acheive. I called police too. He lied about me to the police said i had stolen his ipod. The police were good. They took his keys and threw him out of the house. Told him if he returned he would be arrested. He was crying as they wouldnt let him have his bike. Stupidly i allowed him back into my house and he stole the bike.
He was then street homeless for a week, before being housed in a shared house. I then found out about sociopaths… and realised for sure for definate he is a sociopath. He wont leave me alone. He knows that i now have a new lodger who is paying rent. so he comes to my house shouting in the back garden throwing stones at the window. He wants the lodger to leave….
I am stunned there are individuals, and feel sad that the relationship didnt even exist. I dont even know where to begin to pick up the pieces of my life. I am financially destroyed and so far in debt i dont know where to begin to pick up the pieces. He doesnt care. he has no remorse no shame. Nothing.
He has already started telling me he has a job starting, he isnt from my city and knows nobody here. But he has burned so many bridges that he has nowhere else to go. Instead he ended up sleeping rough on the streets.
Somehow i dont think this story is over. And that is what scares me. What will he do next?? 😦
Hi Pos 🙂
I had read your story or the ‘bones’ when I first found your blog & I am still amazed by your level of perception & ability to share such profound insight & understanding about the motivations & the mindless cruelty that is the Sociopath.
Like you I have had more than one & I am only now realising that apart from the usual vulnerabilities that attract them & make us latch onto them, they play to our needs & we openly tell & show them the way in to us.
I have to accept responsibility for not valuing myself & allowing such disgraceful behaviour. I think a lot has come from a dysfunctional perception of my own self worth & esteem so, my journey like yours has led to great awareness & some I haven’t wanted to admit.
I am inspired by you & your ability to overcome your past 🙂
You have shared so much of yourself here & I really hope you truly appreciate the difference that you have made to me & others.
We would all be adrift in the Sociopath ocean but, your like a life raft & cast us a line back to land. Back to a safe harbour 🙂
Love & continued strength.
P.S.I don’t have your details for donations to you & your site so, let me know please & I’ll arrange a $$$….PR xoxo
Thanks PR – you can make a donation (and it would be appreciated as I lost my job) just by clicking on the paypal button. You can make a donation either using paypal or if you don’t have an account can use a debit or credit card.
Thank you and thank you for your kind words. I am very proud of you too!!
Hi Pos,
My donation is small but, I hope it helps 🙂
I am sorry you have lost your job but, I know you will land on your feet soon 🙂
Just had a white feather moment 🙂 🙂 keep writing that book 🙂
I will send another donation next month 🙂
Love PR xoxo
Hey PR, thank you so so much for your donation. I can’t thank you enough. It really means a lot. THANK YOU that is so very kind of you!!! From the bottom of my heart, I really do appreciate it 🙂 x
This brought tears to my eyes.
Because of your story, of course. But also because of the hope, power and conviction you share with how everything will get better.
I dont know what it is with me lately. I dont have any more fight in me with this. I dont have any more emotional energy. Any more thought. I dont have any more patience that all of this pain and ache will dissipate. I thought it was gone. Maybe my need for answers or want to communicate with him is gone, but the hole is there. I am goign through a huge self-discovery phase, and I dont know how much more I can take.
This year has been hell. I need a break. I need to catch my breath. All I do now is cry. I walk into the office, choke back tears. I sit on one of the most gorgeous beaches in america, and wonder what I am doing here. I wonder what I am supposed to be here for. I wonder why all this has happened. I look at people around me, and wonder if they have ever felt such a pain. Such a lonliness. I long for a connection. A love. I long to feel that again. And I just dont. I hurt. It is the most mind-numbing feeling. Is this part of the process? Why do I feel like It’s getting darker? I thought i was on the other side?
A “mutual friend” (who isnt much of a friend) sent me a text last week asking if I had heard the latest with so and so (my ex soc). I didnt even respond. I dont care. I dont have anything left in me to care with. I have been trying to take care of myself. Working on my career in this new chapter. But I am so god damn scared, everyone. So terrified. I dont know when I will come out of this on the other side. I dont know when I can stop coming to a point of silence in my life and stop crying. I want to feel again. But not this pain. I need a life preserver, or something or someone to show me a sign. I need a sign to show me that this is all going to be okay and I am going to come out of this.
I am so terrified that I wil feel like this forever. Numb, disconnected, in pain. It’s like a giant game. How much longer can I make it day to day feeling like this. I have achieved such success financially and with my career. I am esteemed in my field and looked up to by my friends, family co-workers. When will this feeling of not deserving and not being good enough fade? what work do I need to do? I want to do it. I want to work through it.
I am at a loss. A complete loss. I want a hug. And to feel like I can come out of this, smile, laugh, love and be me again. I want to know that this is not all in vain, and that this is exactly where i need to be right now.
Hey GL, Sending you a hug. You know what you describe. I have been there in my life. Do you know what those times that made me feel like that to the depths of despair – where the pain was so absolutely overwhelming I didn’t know how I could go on.
I just want to tell you. Hang in there. Throughout this process you should hopefully learn to love YOU. Do you know what, this is the most magical gift of your life. You are NOT alone. Each of us has a spirit guide who is with us from the very day we are born and stays with us. Just yell out for help!! IF you are that desperate – yell out say you need help.
Sounds stupid but I have found that this worked – I did it twice in my life….. ask for what you need. It is ok. How long this process will take is up to you partially – but also remember that this relationship was a decade of your life. It is now time for YOU. You are so used to putting someone elses needs first. Without this – you might feel an impossible void that is so difficult to fill. But…. i promise that you will. And one day – further down the line – you will look back and think wow how did I get through this? Be so proud of yourself.
Have you tried to exercises that I wrote about in healing and recovery about setting yourself goals. Short term goals – and one long term goal? This will give you something to work towards. It will give your life purpose and focus. As you tick things off you will start to feel a sense of achievement instead of loss. Most importantly it will force you to focus on you. If it hurts go back through those posts – as I wrote about it as I was healing and recovering too…. sending you a hug – tomorrow is a new day – what one thing will you do to make you smile – just ONE thing…. start off small and huge things will happen. You just have to believe!! 🙂
Hi GL,
When I read about how many major changes you were experiencing, I wondered when it would all fall down. Having been there, I know the “new” gets replaced by isolation, loneliness, fear, and a wonder about it all.
I definitely relate to how you are feeling. I remember sitting on the back stairs outside my office, just completely sad and bewildered. Once, I got caught crying by a delivery person bringing in food. He sat down beside me on the stairs and told me I was too beautiful a person to be so sad. He showed me pictures from his wallet of his family saying, if he hadn’t been married, he would definitely ask me out. He was a very kind-hearted person.
But, like you, I needed a hug. A sense of belonging. To be loved. So, I thought. The real truth is, you WILL be okay. You are okay now. I’m so proud of you that you are in a successful career, you managed a move on your own, and are doing such tough things. You are a very strong, capable person.
It is easy to wonder if you are just invisible as people go on with their day, seemingly oblivious. You are just on some unsteady ground right now. I promise, it won’t last forever.
Hi GL 🙂
Unfortunately you are learning this terrible lesson the hard way so, that you never repeat it again.
The worst part is the ‘knowing’ & then the ‘dealing’ with the knowledge.
You have done so much & you should be proud of yourself 🙂
You are empty right now but, that’s a good thing:)
More good is going to come & fill up that void I can promise you that 🙂
I know it seems insurmountable but, believe me I wish I had learnt this lesson at your age rather than now, as I went on to repeat patterns & accept the unacceptable up until now 😦
Still here we all stand, stronger, wiser & more resilient 🙂
As life throws stuff at you, catch it & throw it back!
You have a bright future, your just feeling your way along but, you are not alone. You have yourself & a deeper appreciation of ‘self awareness’ so, you are ahead of many others.
You’ve been given a ‘heads up’, on personality traits & behaviors that will shield you in future so, thank the universe & open your arms & embrace your new beginning.
Like a newborn, feed your soul & your life with positive & productive people.
Change your name from ‘Gasligted’ to Reignited 🙂
Keep the faith, I’m waiting to hear how great the story of GL can be 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
Your questions have the answers. Everything it’s already better. Don’t lose your faith, you are on your way.
A big hug!
Thank you
Thank you, all.
I dont know what my deal is lately. Aside from going through massive life changes. I feel like I am waking up to myself more every single day. And its a lot. I have reflected back on this year, and am just in awe. Some days, I look around and wonder how the hell I got here.
One consensus I have come to in the last few weeks is that I am incredibly hard on myself. I am unsure how and why. But I have heard it from numerous unrelated people that I am “too hard on myself”. I still dont know what that means for myself, but I am working on understanding and lightening up on myself.
This whole mess of a year has been so enlightening. I have moved 3 times, sold all my belongings, quit my dream job, lost my best friend, lost my spiritual mentor, lost my boyfriend of the time to my 10 year on and off again soc, lost my pride, lost my morals, lost my sense of community where i was living (saw his face everywhere) and have just lost my footing. I am excited to be re-inventing and re-building myself. I cant help but wonder how the hell I got here though.
Pos, I have done some of the recovery work, although not lately. I will have to work on that this week. I have been forcing myself to go out and meet people, even on days/nights where I might just want to lay down. I have more or less just been writing down “facts” vs “feelings” of the last year, to sort of see it on paper. As sometimes I dont believe my own reality.
Jusa, yes, it has been a bit chaotic. My soul has taken me here, based on gut feeling and circumstances, but i have to admit, this year has been bat shit crazy. I have moved 3 times. Mom in and out of surgery. Lost my 2.5 year boyfriend to my on again off again soc of 10 years who said we were “meant to be”. So, I left a great guy to re-connect and start a life with my soc. Discovered he was also starting lives with many others. Quit my dream job. Sold my shit. Moved across the country. Started a new career in a city I dont know with people I dont know. Lost my best friend. THen lost my spiritual mentor who wanted “nothing to do with me” while I was with my soc (some mentor, huh?). Its like, everything that was important to me at the beginning of the year has been ripped from me.
Maybe I asked for this. I was never fully happy before. Maybe i asked for this renewal. And maybe all this destruction was necessary for it. I dont know
I am doing my best, day in and day out. I wish there was a fast forward button. And God damn it, as prideful as this sounds, I just want confirmation that I cross his mind. I dont care about no contact or ever seeing him again. I just want that knowingness that I will be burned into his head. Or at least cross his mind. I want verification of my existence in his life and in his mind. I want that validation. For me. I’m not sure if I will ever get it. Which I have to be okay with. But, in the lonliest days, through all of his lies and bullshit. Through all of his women. Through all of his games. I want him to close his eyes at night and have a thought of me. Sorry if that is pathetic, but its true.
I hope all of you are doing well this week. A new week. Inhale. Exhale.
One foot in front of the other 🙂
**oops..sorry for the repeat info paragraph. At work now and zoning in and out of focus. Another indication on where my mind is 😛
@Gaslighted – I am so sorry that you have gone through so much. I think that what I’ve gone through is small compared to many others, so if I was devastated, I can only imagine what other people went through.
I don’t know if this helps, or makes it any easier, but my spiritual advisor said something like “Imagine that YOU orchestrated all of this …” for the purpose of discovering who I really am, to learn how to NOT compromise myself, to learn how to NOT project my needs onto others … At first I was insulted and a little pissed off, but then I realized she was right. The only way out is through, and this process has taught me so much about myself. I hope you find the wisdom in the lesson – when you do, your life will unfold in beautiful ways, even if you think it sucks right now. It will get better.
@Darling. Thank you so much…Hearing this made me realize that I have completely victimized myself. I am no victim. You’re right. I have asked for all this and I have created it. Which means I can re-create it and re-shape my life. Wow. How empowering. 🙂
Ok, I’m glad you weren’t insulted, because that certainly wasn’t my intention.
I don’t know if you “asked” for it per se, but our higher selves are wise and know what we need to “get it” more so than our human selves. Maybe there is a wisdom to it – even though it is awful and cruel in a lot of ways.
When I have looked back on my life, and have recognized the same repeating pattern in my relationships with men (giving too much of myself to men who aren’t worthy of me), I realize that this last relationship was SO extreme because that’s what I needed to learn the lesson. I can’t expect someone else to give me the love, devotion and respect that I don’t give myself – so it all starts with me. And there are days (as in, this morning), when I think “WTF – how could I have LET him treat me like that?” But the truth is, had I loved and respected myself enough to be my own best friend, and not project my needs onto him and expect him to be someone he’s not, then he wouldn’t have gotten past the front door.
You see, it used to make me very uncomfortable the way he talked about his exes, and before him, I always thought “A man who does that has not accepted responsibility for his part in the failed relationship”. So, I knew there was a lack of integrity by his words and actions, and by how much drama and chaos there was in his life. And I discovered through him that when I interacted with a man who lacked integrity, he didn’t raise himself up to my level, I (sadly) lowered myself to his.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. One of my advisors told me that I was really angry at myself for accepting less than the best, which is what I deserve. She also told me to forgive myself first and foremost. I am at a point where I would love to have a husband or partner, but I’m not going to find a man (or friend etc etc) who values me if I don’t do that for myself first.
GL, this song is for you 🙂
You will be alright, just keep going, your worth the effort & the pain 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@Rob
“I just have no motivation to find someone else or go on dates or anything do you think this is normal its been 5 months now feels more like 1 month?”
——–
I relate to how you feel. I tend to accept change pretty quickly, even when things are tough. This particular relationship hit me like a death. I think it’s because of the depth and importance I gave to the false promises. We are putting to rest the things we *believed* we needed to be happy. The truth is, these dreams we have don’t make or break us as a person. They may be very good/reasonable things to desire in life and for ourselves, but in fact, they do NOT define us, or their absence make us incomplete as the person(s) we were created to be. I didn’t even fully realize this myself until now, but I feel assured this is one reason we mourn what we feel as loss… and I think it has less to do with them and who they are (since, in many cases, they ain’t been that cool) than it has to do with us.
Immediately following a breakup you may find things to do during this initial period after
the relationship. Gentlemen, I will update my relationship blog!
Still a pretty high percentage either way you look at
life and see negative, unhappy things everywhere, then guess what?
As such, an individual has to make the other person
feels loved, accepted and appreciated in the process of mastering it.
I am being pursued by the police for my boyfriends calls/lies to the police. I need advice. I was beaten with hospital records to back this up. this has been going on for years.
Hi, am so sorry to read that you are going through this. But remember that no charge can go through without proof. Whilst lies roll of the sociopaths tongue (to get you into trouble so that they can have ownership of you)…. He can lie but he needs proof to back up his lies. Remember that sociopaths rule and own people using (fake) love and fear….. So do not display any emotion (so he cant get satisfaction) – hopefully his lies will not stack up with the police. Without proof.
@ Sweet Freedom
Clever, but powerless words unless you decide to empower him. Nobody owns your heart or soul without your permission, and by all accounts, I’d say you’ve revoked yours.
thanks for your thoughts, having a hard time with emotions today. we dated for 4 months, he asked me to marry him on the third date……i thought his stare was him just being a deep emotional guy, he cried very easily. i ignored all red flags because i was broken from my divorce. he bombarded me with flattery, attention, ph. calls, texts……couldnt wait to be with me every minute. he even had me putting on his shoes and socks for him without me even thinking about what i was doing. told me he broke all kinds of hearts and a lot of people were hurting now without him. i was told i was the most beautiful, smartest, brilliant most perfect creature to ever walk the planet. when he decided to dump me, he turned cruel, cold and heartless………just like that. he suffered from erectile dysfunction and still thought he was the greatest lover ever……go figure. he was about 60lbs overweight, but lifted weights and was so proud of his giant arms and tattoos…….would embarrass me by wearing tank tops out in public……..(he’s 60)……get the picture?
@sweet freedom
lol 🙂 my ex spath also had erectile dysfunction and tattoos (religious ones lol 🙂 Yes it is sweet freedom without them now 🙂 Made me remember funny thing… he once sent mail to some girl he met online…. he was making comment on some obviously provocative pics of herself that she sent to him …he wrote : “wow you say your boyfriend had sexual problems… well, I can assure you, when I saw your pics, my reaction was… definite 😮 ”
When I read that I was on the floor laughing :)))) Yes I can just imagine ‘his reaction’ lol
Sociopaths really live in a fantasy world.
lol indeed………the 4 months we dated we hardly did anything or go anywhere, he was in his robe and slippers right after work like a tired old man……..but yet his stories to me were such that he was a romeo rogue with so many women wanting him and so many past lovers……glory days maybe……..
Hi Sweet Freedom,
Mine did the same, robe etc…tired old man who was all talk no action.
He is 58 & I met him 10 years ago 😦 I am 8 years younger than him 🙂
He always said what a great seducer/romeo/lover he was but, in reality just a sham. I stayed because I couldn’t face another loss etc…he also made me ill but, that’s something I cannot put up here. I was tied to him for other reasons unfortunately 😦
I am good now & healing with no contact,7 months since I least saw him (yay) etc…& I don’t miss him at all, I just have trouble letting go of the remorse I feel for being duped but, not so bad anymore 🙂
Free at last & better every day 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
phx rising……thank you so much for your comments, i am feeling sad and missing him today………i know intellectually what i am doing………but my heart still hurts………i wish i never met him…….live and learn i guess……
Ditto Sweet but, you will be okay 🙂
Just stay No Contact & time will help ease the pain & suffering.
My thoughts are with you today, stay strong & focus on a better more worthy life for yourself.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
phoenix rising……does freemason sound familiar? mine was obsessed with his cult brotherhood group, even had a room devoted to all things freemason. another wacky thing…he had at least 5 crucifixes in every room of his house. he made a point to always remind me that to be a freemason you had to be of extra fine character, a good man, citizen and all that other bs.
Hi Sweet 🙂
My Soc is a Freemason & collects Royal Daulton Lady figurines & got very angry when his ex-wife (never divorced) sold some on eBay from a property settlement she got when she finally had enough of him (25 yrs).
I was with him for the last 10 yrs & his son (28yrs old) is his wing man & he collects predator (the movie) figurines!
A really bizarre family & he involved them all in his craziness, his family would call me to cover his lies 😦
My story of how I came to find out is on older comments June 14th in the My Story section, you can have a read if you want?
My Soc is a Commander in the Fire Brigade & a Car Dealer as a second job.
I even completed his Advanced Diploma in Business Management for him!
My guy also made out he was a man of integrity & I stupidly thought he was but, I know the truth now. I tried to expose him & was somewhat successful so, he is really pissed at me & doesn’t contact me which, was my objective!
No Contact from this shallow little man & freedom from his curse!
I am doing well & healing but, it’s been an amazing journey to hell & back.
I hope you are feeling stronger & wiser & freer everyday 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
PR……somedays easier than others as you know……mine has been in some form of law enforcement detective work his whole life, he also hinted that he made money from “thug” like jobs…….who knows what the truth is…….but i find myself starting to get a little paranoid, looking over my shoulder, etc. when i think about how he bragged about his contacts and powerful friends and all his knowledge to stalk and find out things about people.
Thank you for chatting with me, it has helped me so much. i always thought i was so aware and smart, and these things only happened to “stupid” women.
Sweet 🙂
Smart women are the name of the game, dupers delight etc…the smarter we are the greater the challenge to break down so, my Soc like yours is powerful etc…even had his Snr Detective best friend call me & other Fireman to cover for him & vouch for him etc…
My Soc is extremely high functioning & likes to use all his followers/enablers to his advantage. I know his ex-mistress & her stepson is a top Queens Counsel & Human Rights Lawyer here in Australia so, he likes to keep his ex on side as
he likes her connections etc…His new OW is a Dr of Sociology & Lectures worldwide on human behavior & is based at a top University here in Melbourne so, even a bigger trophy & wealthy & connected.
So you see, they like smart women, the smarter the more useful to their quest.
PR 😉
Ok, I have to say something here – being a Freemason is not mutually inclusive to being a SP. From what I’ve read on this site, there are thousands of SPs and only a few (on this site) have been identified as such. Would the SP type be attracted to something like this – absolutely – they need to feel “special” and mysterious and elite. It’s like saying all doctors, lawyers or cops are SPs as well, which I’m sure some are, but it’s not a gathering place for them.
Several men in my family have been Freemasons – they’re salt of the earth, honest men for whom I have a ton of respect.
No, of course being a freemason isnt inclusive to an sp, but like you said, I can see how an sp would be attracted to the mysterious group thing…..mine used his membership as a way to show me how special he must be, and what good character he must be….or else he wouldnt/couldnt have become a member. Yes sp’s come in all shapes, sizes, occupations.
They are everywhere & so are we & our connection 🙂
The more we talk, share, exchange, the better awareness we have & hopefully others 🙂
I drew a caricature of my Soc, a short,fat little meatball (he’s Italian) with a big protruding gut (he looked 9 months pregnant) bouncing around on his penis like a Pogo stick….laughed so hard my sides hurt but, really helped me picture him like a cartoon character 😉
Try it, they are not so charismatic then ( LOL)…
PR xoxo
Hi Darling 🙂
I don’t think we said all Freemason’s are Soc’s but, sorry if it looks like that?
I know other Freemasons & have family members way back also so, not pointing the finger at the whole group.
Mine said he was one but, that could also have been a lie? He never went to any meetings that I’m aware of but, who knows??
I hope your well,
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR – thanks – I just wanted to make sure that the bad apples weren’t getting thrown in with the good ones. I know that it is easy to find common characteristics to try and make sense of it all by finding common ground. What a mess. I waver between acceptance and shock – but I know I’ll never make sense of it.
Before I realized what my ex is, I did say to him that it would be impossible to have a functional relationship when one person was so dysfunctional – and that person was him. He was the weak link in “us”.
On another note – I have noticed all of this frigging dating advice sites, and they all make it sound like we as women are to blame for “losing” these guys … we’re not enough “this’ or ‘that”. It pisses me off, because these sites automatically assume that both people in the relationship are functional … I’ve unsubscribed from them because they’re pretty much useless to me.
Anyhow, I’m glad this site exists, because at least I know for sure that while I’m far from perfect, I did give the best of myself to someone who wasn’t capable of a normal relationship. Therefore, it is NOT my fault (or probably anyone else’s on this site) – my only contribution was failing to listen to my gut instinct. Wow. That won’t happen again.
Ditto Darling & I am on the same wave length as you but, don’t give up hope just keep being you & finding your inner joy etc…don’t look for anyone to complete you, you are enough 🙂
We don’t know what’s ahead but, yes we have learned a hard lesson & one we can grow from. We are richer for the experience as harrowing as it is but, I have found greater self awareness & am looking at everything with more meaningfulness so, that’s a good bi-product of the whole saga I think?
Where are you located again? I am in Melbourne 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR – thank-you, you are so right. I am in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Friggin’ SPs are a global epidemic, it seems. I am laughing as I write this because it’s sad, but true.
Yes they are global & I’m glad your laughing because, they are global clowns of illusion & are laughable.
Self preservation is the only way to go so,Alberta Canada, you have a friend here in Melbourne Australia…more power to us 🙂 xoxo
I met my ex 3 years ago. I was recently divorced and had told myself that there would definitely be no serious relationships for myself. I am also in a 12 step fellowship and had been clean for 12 years at the time. She is 18 years younger than me and worked in a store nearby I hadn’t ever thought we would date or anything like that. As we talked I told her about my life and she mimicked things she told me she was trying to get straight and leave that life. I told her I had lost a child and she told me her daughter had died also. We ended up dating and immediately my instincts went up when several times she wasn’t there when she had told me to pick her up. There was always an elaborate story about getting stuck at store or that I was supposed to come later and she was mad at me. My previous marriage ended because of infidelity on my ex-wife’s part so I was very suspicious. But being in this 12 step fellowship and believing everyone could change and thinking my responsibility is to help I believed the stories instead of my instinct. Within a month we were quite serious and she told me that her boss hadn’t paid her and she was going to have to move away and wanted to stay with me for a short time she would pay me back. I was told I would be paid back constantly for stuff never have been. After a couple of weeks I was going out of town for my son’s birthday party and she was quite upset. We had not even been together 2 months and with some of the inconsistencies I was not ok with introducing her at that time because I don’t think bringing a lot of people into my child’s life is a good idea. Anyways a few days before I left she told me she was going out with some friends who were in town that night. She never came home or called, the next day I went to work and when I came home all of her things were gone and she had totally cleaned the house. She was an impeccable cook and homemaker, of course extremely beautiful and charismatic. I was heart-broken and I really wish the story ended there … The next few days I received calls from several guys looking for her, I thought that was really strange. She had always unplugged the phone when I was home saying that we didn’t want to be interrupted.
Within a couple of weeks we made contact on social media and she told me she left because she I was going to reunite with my ex-wife and go to my child’s birthday, nothing could be further from the truth. She would tell me every weekend that she was coming back down and she missed me and so on. Then she calls and she is in jail and she wants me to come up there and be with her in court and she is writing letters and calling all the time. I go up there and the judge releases her under the direction that she is to stay with me. During our relationship she just wishes she had kids but since she had lost her daughter she had ovarian cancer and they had to do surgery and she couldn’t have kids. She was trying to adopt her friends mixed child who had got strung out on drugs. Well the first huge surprise came up … she got pregnant. I guess the surgery and not being able to have kids had changed what a miracle … Since she had left and I had those calls from other men looking for her (she brushed it off saying those were gay friends of hers) I was quite suspicious and put key logger on the computer. I found some very interesting conversations between her and a friend from her hometown about him coming down a weekend I was going to be out of town working. Another with her Mother talking about a child that her mother was caring for that had the same name as the daughter who had died. The other part that was so crazy all these conversations talked about her working and her fictitious life that was nothing like what was reality. I confronted her and she left again. She kept contacting me and told me she wanted to work things out and she would go out of town with me. I again thought we could work things out. A few weeks later when I was visiting my sons here mother drove down to see her over the weekend and accidentally called my phone and said that her daughter couldn’t wait to see her. I was dumbfounded how could she have told me her daughter was dead … especially when she knew I had lost a daughter. When I said something she said because of addiction her family had disowned her and she was dead to her and that was the only way she could cope. Then shortly after I met the child she was trying to adopt the new story was that she had been the surrogate mother for her friend because she couldn’t carry the baby. Then the story was she was raped and he was conceived. The final story is that was another guy she had dated who was a drug dealer and they had a child together but she was ashamed. I feel like if we didn’t have a child on the way maybe I could have walked away. At this time she was going back and forth to her hometown to see her daughter and later I found seeing ex-boyfriends, then at 7 months pregnant she started a fight out of nowhere. I learned this was her ploy to leave was to create a fight and blame it on me and leave. She disappeared for 4 days and when I checked with the people she said she was with it was a lie. Our daughter was born surprisingly healthy and wonderful. Things were ok for about a month and then she went back into full blown active addiction. I remember at this time I was speaking with her mother and told her that was her problem the substances and when she got away she would be fine. Her mother told me she had been diagnosed at a young age as a Sociopath. That meant nothing to me and I convinced myself that she just needed to get clean and it would be ok.
After Christmas that year we were visiting her father and things were so chaotic, and she had her daughter with her and our daughter and my sons were with me at here fathers house and she went out with her sister and just left. I did get emergency custody of our daughter and she ran in full blown addiction. One thing in these posts that really struck me about having a child with a sociopath is that they will use contact with the child as a ploy to contact and manipulate you. After 7 months apart she claimed she was ready to get clean she had seen the error of her ways. I guess I should mention a few months before she actually had me jailed for criminal domestic violence which was a complete fabrication, but the court said unless she came and told them is was a false charge they couldn’t do anything so they just dropped the charges. We started back in and I guess by this time she had really figured out the angles and all the things to tell me what I wanted to hear. Still when I went out of town on business things would get strange and she said it had to do with addiction and she planned those times out, but this summer everything looked different. We had some problems in that the person who once wanted sex all the time now only wanted it when we would have a lot of controversy to settle things down. when I went out of town this time she told me she had messed up but only had a couple drinks. It just didn’t ring true to me and I told her that she would have to come out and just tell me the truth good, bad, and ugly because I obviously never got that. Amazingly within a couple hours someone we know who was having a terrible fit of conscience admitted that her and him had planned every detail about how and when they would get together while I was gone. He was shocked when I had called her and she just stopped what she was doing and just started into regular everyday conversation with me after telling him these stories about how horrible things were between her and I. I realized at this point this was the same exact behavior that occurred from day one. When I told her this she told me that there was no way that happened and I was only saying it because I was cheating on her and didn’t want to be with her.
I went to the internet and looked up how to break up with a compulsive liar … and the word sociopath kept popping up. So I kept reading. Thanks everyone for taking the time to share your story it let me know I wasn’t insane and that what I was experiencing was something that happens everyday. I could never find the truth on my own and walk away but seeing that there is no way that things could ever change was so important. I know that I will have a child to raise with her. As has been posted she is very possessive although she doesn’t have custody of her other two. The knowledge that whatever she tells me is just a manipulation takes so much power from it. I also have a sense of peace reading so much of this and even though I want to be mad I could no more be mad at a person for having autism, or diabetes, or cancer. It simply is how she is, she doesn’t even know that there is anything wrong with it so I can approach the future without a spirit of hate just detachment knowing that there can never be future there. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share this, I hope you find your peace and healing.
Hi eyesopened. You know that is the best way to go forward. This is why the truth will set you free. Because there is no need for hatred. It is just the way that she is. It isn’t personal. Its just business to the sociopath. They will be the same with someone else. You are free. Thank you for sharing your story 🙂
HI Eyes Opened,
Thanks for sharing your story & I am sorry to hear you have endured so much & are tied to her via your wonderful child.
Still something good has come out of your union & you should be proud that you are keeping & maintaining your daughter, she deserves that 🙂
I never really correlated the Autism factor like a Sociopath Factor but, it makes sense & really does change your perspective.
They can’t help being the way they are just as autistic/aspergers etc…so, I agree we shouldn’t hate but, feel sorry for them as I wouldn’t like to have a disordered mind.
Although some days the Soc experience leaves me scattered to the wind but, I am healing well & hope that you are also 🙂
Good Luck & Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hello everyone,
I’ve been looking at this site for about a week now and I’m sooooo glad I found it. My only regret is that I didn’t know about it years ago when I encountered my first psychopath. Psychopaths and sociopaths appear to be somewhat the same based on what I’ve been reading. I have managed to involve myself in 4 psychopathic relationships (not knowing of course that this was their issue until it was much too late) and it has been nothing short of a nightmare. I almost lost my life after being involved with 2 of them. I was stalked, which is why I’m in a different state right now to get away from that lunatic.
Sometimes I think I actually attract them to me. I even took the quiz on this site and my results confirmed I was a target for psychopaths. I really need to know how to stop this cycle. It almost happened again when psychopath #5 belonged to the same church that I was attending, and would STARE at me for the WHOLE sermon. He was always sitting on the other side of the room about 3 or 4 rows behind me, but I always felt him staring CONSTANTLY. This went on for a whole year and he never once said a thing to me (other than the usual, “hello, how are you?”). His job sent him overseas and I remember once (before I knew he was a psychopath), giving him a hug and saying “I missed your hugs, I’m glad that you’re back”. He just stared at me in shock because we’ve never said anything to each other before. All he did was laugh very nervously. I liked him, but I never once led him to ever believe this. I never looked his way or anything, but I could see his eyes watching me constantly. I’d also feel these very intense sexual vibes from him as well. I’d have a couple of sexual thoughts about him at night, but when I’d see him in person, they would absolutely NEVER occur. It was as if I wasn’t really attracted to him, but was only attracted to idea of him liking me and showing me attention. I’m very easy on the eyes myself and have been complimented a lot on how beautiful I was, which is very nice, but I never let things like that go to my head. I want someone of substance who can see past the exterior and want me for me. He’s very popular and always talks constantly to everyone (men and women) in the church, but he’s never spoken more than 3 words to me the whole time. He seems to be very nervous around me, but sometimes he seems more bold as he stares and don’t care that I notice him staring at me.
A friend who attends there knew him and told me how nice he was in a simple conversation we were having. I noticed that there’s a girl at the church who really likes him, and she’s gorgeous. Nice body, beautiful face, and everyone in church knows and adores her and she’s very friendly, but she has somewhat of a dry personality. My friend said, “but he doesn’t want her.” Whenever I saw him, she was never too far away from him, yet there he was, looking at me constantly, even with her nearby. I left it at that because I didn’t want to raise my friend’s suspicions about my liking him. Nobody knows and I wanted to keep it that way. So anyway, the reason I believe he’s a psychopath is because he’d idealized me for awhile, then the next week, he’d look at me as if I was trash, then the next week, I was idealized again, then trash, almost as if he hated me. I couldn’t tolerate the stress any longer because he was making me feel worthless during those times, so 2 weeks ago, I left the congregation and now I attend elsewhere. Each time he’d come in with the other men to take a seat, I’d look at him and get very “cold” vibes from him. He’s nice to my sister when he “likes” me, but on my “trash” week, he doesn’t want to bother even shaking her hand. There’s another girl at church who has known him for years and she told me that all of the other women at the church (the single ones, that is) all want to talk to him, but they’re all so nervous because they don’t want to be rejected. I have seen over the past year how he has really tried to get my attention and get me to notice that he is attracted to me, but I don’t give him the time of day. It’s been a whole year, and he’s still at “home base” because I’ve never felt comfortable enough to start a conversation with him so he can get to 1st base with me. I just won’t allow it to happen. Something inside of me was terrified to do it. Anyway, this girl who knows him well told me when the girls tell her that they want to talk to him, he simply says, “Well, tell her to come and talk to me.” But in my case, I won’t approach him to talk to him at all. I sometimes believe this is where I am “trash” to him. It appears that he is beside himself because all of the girls want to talk to him BUT ME. I’ve only been there a year and the other girls have been there an average of 7 years or so. The pickings are pretty slim there and he knows that. My friend said he wants lots of babies (I’d say he’s about 35-37). I’m 50 so there’s no way I will have babies and although I don’t believe I look 50, I certainly don’t believe I look like I’m in my 20’s, 30’s or even early 40’s. So what else could he have been after? I have to admit that I do believe I created myself to be a target because I always sat by myself and I never seemed to look very happy (although I did to me, others said differently) and maybe he took notice of this. I’m very nice and friendly, and I’m an avid church-goer, but not very sociable – I’m just too shy, but I’m trying real hard to come out of it. I’ve been that way all of my life, so it’s a process, but maybe he latched on to that and saw it as a weakness.
I get really confused because on one hand, he appeared to be very strong in his beliefs and wouldn’t dare have pre-marital sex, but on the other hand, the way he looks at me and the sexual vibes I get from him tell a completely different story. I always want to think the best of everyone. I know this sounds naïve, but I really do. Sometimes I get sad when I think about it because somehow I believe all he wanted from me was sex and then he’d throw me away, but I didn’t allow him to do that so it seems he had to “throw me away” in his mind in order to satisfy his ego (or better yet, his psychopathic urges). Although nothing transpired between us all of this time, I actually feel so refreshed now that I’m not around him. I no longer feel the stress that came from being idealized and then thrown away over and over. My self-esteem had really started to take a beating. Am I nuts or what? No relationship took place – he didn’t tell me degrading things – he didn’t officially invite me into his web, but I honestly feel it was there, waiting on me to fall in some way and somehow. I feel that he was a snake coiled and ready to strike me, but somehow I managed to back up real slow (by physically leaving) and got out of danger’s way.
Maybe it was the previous relationships that I’d been in that caused my “red flags” to be raised. Maybe I’m paranoid because of them. I do still think about him and wished he’d been the right one but the reality of it all is that he wasn’t. The good thing is I never saw him around town before I began attending that church, so I know I’ll never have to worry about seeing him again because I have no intentions of ever returning there again. In the back of my mind, I can’t help but feel that I somehow dodged a bullet.
Again, I ask, “Am I nuts” even though nothing concrete ever went on between me and this guy?
Why do I feel deep down so fortunate to have “gotten away”…….but from what?
Again, I’m glad to be here and I look forward to having a healing experience because I really need it. I’ve read so many stories and I can definitely relate and it’s good to know I’m not in this alone.
Thanks for listening.
Thank you for this web-site, I have just been discarded after 6 vile years of what feels like a mental battlefield. I knew there was something not quite right with the person and i put it down to his upbringing and have made excuses for all the lies, deceit, cheating and general treacherous behavior. Right now I feel like in total shock, he is now dating somebody else and i look like the nut job. All I did was fall in love and I’ve been almost destroyed by this person.
Hi starbar, welcome to the site. We all know on this site how painful this is. It can take a while to get yourself back. To come out of the fog of confusion and the mental abuse of what he did to you. Yes – he is with someone else. Not because she is better than you. But for his own narcissistic ego and that he cant be on his own.
Thanks PG, until 3 weeks ago I did not even know what a sociopath was. I just thought he was damaged goods from a bad parental split and then being brought up by his vile father who is an obvious woman hater. It was actually my plumber who was fixing a rad (and knows both me and the soc) he said you do realise he is a soc. so I researched and here I am – and I still have doubts as to whether he is as I still think he is real – but deep down I know he isn’t. Its so hard to comprehend that a person can not feel empathy ??? The positive I take from your web is that I know I can not change this person and if I do not break the cycle – in 10 years I will be in the same but even worse position.
Hi Starbar,
Your not alone & the discard is awful especially after 6 years, mine was 10 years so, you are in good company.
My advice is read as much as you can & learn because you will never get answers from the Soc. Get support, friends, Drs, psychologist’s, medication or anything that will help you through the dark days.
I looked like a nut job when I came out fighting & tried to expose mine as I had only found out via the OW. I met the OW because she had asked to meet me & I thought he was going to get his comeuppance but, alas I think it was ‘torture by triangulation’ so, she saw herself as the winner & stayed with him? I am glad she set me free & as I processed our relationship & his lies & manipulation I was forced to confront some major battles within myself.
You will be okay & we will help & support you, when did you get discarded?
I am 7 months done the track & feeling good & free so, give yourself time as that is the best healer. It will not be easy & others won’t understand unless they’ve been through it.
You must believe in yourself, you are worthy & these people have no conscience so, don’t even bother to make contact as it will lead to further pain & lies & abuse. No Contact is truly the best & you must try & have faith as you alone can pull yourself through this horrendous time.
Love & Light 🙂
We are on your side 🙂
PR xoxo
sorry i replied at the bottom of screen …………..new to the site today. thanks for your msg x
@star. Sounds like my 3 years. It’s hardest thing I’ve gone thru in awhile. A lot of chaos and drama along w it all. I’ve been discarded 7 times give or take. I count the massive fights as a discard bc he walks away at least overnight. It’s been almost three months this time w his infamous silent treatment. I’ve been hurting pretty good the past week and I was doing so well. It comes n goes. They are crap that’s for sure. Sick perverts that they are. Abusive little demons w no care in the world. (I’m talking myself up today)
I needed that comment Pos. his silence is killing me. I thought we were so close all that time. My brain can’t comprehend his silence. Still.
Hi judah – I really understand the pain of silence…. I found this one…. aragh it hurts huh? I saw it like the pain of addiction…. and as much as you might want to reach out to stop the pain of silence…. remember that as you are hurting. You are healing (remember like addiction and quitting smoking when you are desperate for a smoke)…. and my god it is like a physical pain you want to reach out to what you are addicted to so that you can switch off the pain. I know that I wrote a lot about it – but I cant find it… there was this one https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/coping-with-pain-after-discard/?s=silence#… take it one day at a time. Small chunks of time. This is the time that you are most at risk of getting drunk and breaking no contact….. so also focus on things to do to stop you breaking no contact (if you are at risk of this) – but also sending you a hug as I know that this is a particularly painful time!! 😦
fosterchild it’s UR God given spiritual discernment. Trust it and know He is speaking to u.
thanks Judahbug
it feels so good to know i’m not alone. I feel so fortunate to have survived a “would-be” disaster, but I didn’t escape my previous ones and when I think of them, i get very nervous. it shows me that I really need to be careful because if I was a target all of those times, it will happen again if i’m not watching out for myself. I’m so glad to be here among others that understand.
Churches are ideal places for wolves in sheeps clothing. The men know this, and they use this mask as a godly man as a tool to attract their next victim/prey……..right off the bat they know that many women automatically think he must be a good, decent man because he’s at church. My soc had more religious artifacts around his house then I’d ever seen…….I told him upfront I am an atheist, and he laughed and said he could care less………that he wanted me and he always gets what he wants.
sweet freedom, you’re so right – it’s still hard for me to wrap my brain around the idea that he really is not as decent as I thought he was. slowly, but surely, I’m accepting this fact. he really was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Advice please……my soc has some sentimental jewelery of mine (my father’s),,,,I have had to break the no contact……I have politely by text and email asked him to return them please…I returned all of his things………he is giving me the silent treatment……do I just write it off as loss and a lesson? I feel as tho the more I plead with him the more enjoyment and control he will feel……i feel like he is a thief…….and i am struggling to keep my anger contained.
Hi Sweet,
Can you arrange for someone else to collect it for you?
He will use it for leverage so, be careful 😦
Otherwise, do you have photo’s of the items? The Police may be able to help?
Good Luck, thinking of you 🙂
Love & light 😉
PR xoxo
Hi Sweet, I faced a similar situation with my ex. He stole things that were really sentimental in relation to my dead daughter. It broke my heart – and how could he be cruel? He told me that he would give it back to me. He did plenty of stalling for time. This gave him
1. Control
2. A connection to me
3. Power over me
You know there was plenty of stalling for time. Outcome I never got my things back.
Remember they have no conscience – and life is a game. You might wonder how can you do something so cruel – when it means so much to you? ….. truth is they just don’t care. Their value is different to yours.
I don’t know what happened to my things but i think he sold it cash. I never had an answer he brushed it under the carpet.
so my advice – would be let it go. truthfully if he was going to give it you (if he still has it) – he will. whether you are in contact or not. If he isn’t. He won’t. Not ever. And you could be waiting a long time.
You have asked him for it back….. so he knows that you want it. There is nothing more that you can do. You are quite right that he will enjoy the power and control to say that he has these things – or just ignore you. The best thing that you could do for you – is to write it off (if you can) – because if he was going to give it back…. he would…. and if he wanst…. he wouldn’t.
I know the feeling of violation being stolen from. Especially when it has sentimental value – you might want to do a google search (dont freak out) about psychopaths and trophies…..
Its a bit like a serial killer who kills their prey then takes a piece of jewellery as a momento…. that is the way that i saw it…. at the end almost every time he stole something that was sentimental value to me and meant a lot…. just because he could…. it was like he was taking a part of me.. I think that was how he saw it too.
Thank you guys for your comments and supportive strong direction. I was discarded in September, in August we was planning for a baby????? and i was moving in at his place rather than mine. We should have been on holiday in the med right now, but in a space of 24 hours he decided it was over and refused to come on the holiday. Despite going through the same cycle/drama/pattern for the last 6 years – somehow it came as a shock?? I am still shocked. He told me at discard on phone “my time is too precious to waste with somebody I have no plans to be with in the future” (having told me just 24 hours before he loved me) then with 24 hours of the vile phonecall followed by silence he turned up like nothing had happened, told me how great my hair/nails looked and of course I fell for it – he got his sex?? I feel totally stupid as I type this – and then he actually said ‘see you around’ at my doorstep. That was almost 3 weeks ago, there has been no contact since then apart from a few hysterical txtx from me and he said he would call the police on me for harassment OMG???but he is living happily ever after with a new girlfriend, who has even met his family. I just feel shocked as every time it happens it seems worse as its so incredible?
@starbar – I am so sorry you’re going through this.
I have gone through it as well with my ex – he asked me to move in with him (“my space is so much better with you in it”), then broke up with me 8 days later (“I don’t want to be in a relationship”), and was married to someone else 13 weeks after that. (btw – it takes 12 weeks to get approved to get married in Jamaica, which means he was probably already engaged when he broke up with me. What an asshole)
I know you can’t see beyond the hurt and shock right now, but you ARE better off without him. You deserve better than a man who lies to your face, betrays you, abuses your love and trust, and discards you so easily, don’t you think? I was in love with the man I THOUGHT he was, the man he pretended to be. For those of us who are loving and trusting, it is a complete shock how deceiving someone that we love can be.
Even worse than his betrayal is how I betrayed myself by staying with a man who set off my alarm bells and whom I caught in so many lies.
I haven’t had contact with him now for 5 weeks, we had sporadic contact because he owed me money. (he still does, but he’s paid most of it back. )
You know what? I was thinking the other day how much I LOVE my life right now. I feel entirely different than I did 6 months ago, and you have to believe that you’ll get through this and come out stronger and wiser, then you’ll be ready for a man who deserves you.
(and thank God you didn’t have a baby with this man! How terrible would that be to be left when you were pregnant or with a baby. Your angels were watching out for you, I’d say)
Thank you Darling, just had to re-read your msg? And I keep reading the posts of others. It really is unbelievable how socs operate and there seem to be so many of them, I had my place valued and was planning to sell – OMG looking at your story I prob would have ended up homeless. His work buddy of 20+ years has told me from day 1, he is not ‘wired-up right’, and as time went on so did everybody else, but I chose to believe the mask. The hysterical crying at my doorstep saying he still loved me – no mention of the fact his latest woman got out as soon as she had the 1st taste of his other side. And always just as I am ready to start socialising and getting out. Everybody is warning me now – be ready as he will be back. Its just sick, ATM I feel confident to say NO. I have to keep focused that they are the problems – not us. Good luck to us all x
Hi Starbar 🙂
The Soc is very cruel & uses your love for him against you which really hurts 😦
Mine told me in a txt message to ‘move on’ after 10 years, that was it & then he had the audacity to report me to the police for calling him a ‘sleazebag’ which was true 🙂
The policewoman was very understanding after I explained & she told me my txt’s were not inflammatory but, obviously I had hurt his ego & that I should just leave it alone as he wasn’t worth it. (that’s for sure, she was on my side 🙂
The Soc is like a child so, immature & they don’t care one iota what they have done & love to play the pity card themselves.
Just remember you are the grown up here, don’t play his stupid games again & go out & live a bigger & better life.
You can this, we all can & are 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Starbar,
Our stories have many similarities. My ex and i had been living together, we were in the middle of IVF, the day before he told me he loved me and a bit before that we had been talking about how our wedding would be. The day after the IVF egg pick up he told me he no longer adored me and that “he didn’t think he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and therefore didn’t want to waste any more time” Yet we were on our second IVF, talking about marriage, had bought a house and two dogs and furniture together and as far as i knew, madly in love… WTF?!? (although technically he paid for the house). The next day he was on eHarmony. 2 weeks later he had a new girlfriend (and i wonder how many girls were already on the side… i suspect 2 – a work colleague and his ex wife)
For a week after i moved (1.5 weeks after break up) there were some weird texts.. Then a month later a legal email (IVF embryos are mine) and then nothing. Completely like i never existed. 4 months of complete nothing.
The break up was in June. next week would have been our 2 year anniversary. but funnily enough, when i realised this today, it really didn’t effect me. I am ready to begin my new life, sociopath free!
Peace. xx
The same pattern, the same cycle I am living right now it too. One day is “I love you” “you are special” hours after he said it is like he never said anything.
That it’s so true. Please, take care of yourself, they never change and everything turns uglier.
hey pos,
you should write about what they call “hovering” (and “they”, not sure who exactly). I have been researching narcism more along with sociopathy and a few different times the term “hoovering” came up, as a specific strategy for when and how the sociopath (or narc) will come back into ones life. What they look for, why they do it, what to expect, how to handle it…Its like, “No Contact” but on steriods, and actually helps arm us (well me, anyway) for the if and when he does return so I can see the situation more clearly, etc, instead of chalking it up to “wow he must have really loved me/missed me”
Sorry, meant to post this in your “suggestions” post, but cant locate it for some reason! Would love to hear your spin on hoovering and in your words
That it’s so true. They are always playing a game of control and power. My ex texted yesterday after weeks of silence. I ignore him. He sends more texts. I ignore him. He called I didn’t respond. He send another text saying that he tries to communicate but I’m a child that doesn’t want to communicate, that he hopes that I grow up so I can be happy….ufff!!!!
He doesn’t know that I am growing up not allowing that my love for him controls me. Not allowing myself to beg for the love that he never will give.
Good Girl & yay you for staying No Contact 🙂
He’s such a chump & immature 😦
You are a grown up & don’t play his silly games, it must be driving him nuts that you are not buying his BS anymore. LOL 🙂
Keep the faith, you deserve someone that respects & treats you with honesty &
dignity.
The fact that he accuses you of acting childish is him talking to himself remember they say what they are doing but, make out it’s you!
Love & Light & continued strength 🙂
PR xoxo
Heh he probably isn’t used to it – victims not calling him begging for information or closure….. what he doesn’t know is that you do not need to speak to him for information or closure – as if he is a sociopath he is just following sociopathic behaviour. You are therefore the winner…. I hope that gives you a smile 🙂