For him this is a battle for power and control that doesn’t have anything to do with your child. Don’t play his game.
If you are on the USA of one of their posessions, mental illness, or personality disorder as sociophaty doesn’t matter to tge court as long it doesn’t put the child on risk. So don’t lose your energy on trying to prove what he is. You already have enough proof about his irresponsibility (with the DUI and the other things) to ask to the court for the little things that will keep him at a safe distance or with the court watching him For example, with supervised visits.
My experience says he will get bored and will stop making any fuss about the child
I know it’s not easy, so please, stay focus and calm
There’s a really good book, “Why he does that?” If you have the opportunity, read it. As I mention before, not all the abusers are sociopaths, but all the sociopaths are abusers. Knowledge is power, so keep learning.
I’m starting to show signs of life. I made the audition and had my first rehearsal as the vocalist of fusion band. Music is a positive outlet for me. I literally was so numb I wasn’t sure I would be able to get into the music. But at rehearsal I was. I even had fun spending time with a woman the other night.
It still hits me hard at night sometimes. But it is not killing me like before. I’m learning how to control the unbelievable anxiety attacks I was having over that defective woman I dated. I haven’t seen her in person however. We both live in the same small community and are bound to see eachother out. I do fear her showing up and messing with my head when I’m performing. She gets off on taking men down.
Gee your lucky to pick up on him so quickly 🙂 good for you (yay)
My Soc was always travelling etc…& sent emails re the weather in UK when he was with the OW in the USA! LOL, we live in Australia so, they get around even if it’s only in their heads!
I wouldn’t be home on the 7th, go out or stay elsewhere. That shows him you aren’t sitting waiting & have a life.
I got stuck with my delusion for 10 years so, lucky escapes are rare so, be strong & stay No Contact as that really does irk them & finalize it for you 🙂
Thanks, PR! I actually emailed him last week, after he suggested coming down and then got annoyed about something and started to create yet another argument, and told him that I KNEW he was a sociopath, that I KNEW he had drugged me twice, that I had unofficially reported it to the polce so that he was on record (which I did) and suggested he “doesn’t darken my door” on the 7th (which is tomorrow). I also told him that I have kept EVERY shred of evidence, that it is not kept at my house but in a friend’s safe 16 miles away (true), and that my friends know all about him (which they do). I’m lucky in that he has never met any of my friends so has not had the opportunity to influence them. He went BALLISTIC by text at the mention of the police – text after text after text. I kept up the NO CONTACT and eventually he stopped. He instantly removed the link from me to him on the LinkedIn website and, interestingly (and I’d love to know why), removed his photograph. He likes his LinkedIn profile – it makes him sound and look very professional. Over the weekend I was still SOOO wrapped up in it all, though, that I started to think I was going to need a bit of professional counselling to get him out of my head. But the No Contact is working and, as long as he doesn’t appear tomorrow, I think he could be gone. I think the threat of police might JUST have broken the link. Would be interested so hear whether others agree.
PhoenixRising is so right. You are very fortunate that you found him out early. Had you stayed, you would have ended up devastated. Be very grateful that you saw the signs. Now you have to be strong and really institute the NO CONTACT with him. Block everything associated with him and fight the urge to respond, no matter how tempted you may be. P-paths and S-paths are very manipulating, and people like us can be easily taken in once again. You will get through this and we are all here to help you.
He didn’t turn up on 7th and I haven’t heard from him since 1st November (when he lost it after I mentioned the police). But went onto LinkedIn tonight and found … oh yes, he’s looked at my profile in the last 48 hours. On Tuesday 12th it is EXACTLY 3 months since I first heard from him. I cannot BELIEVE how almost hypnotised I became by him in such a short time – within the first two weeks, if I am honest. As I have said in my first blog on here, I’m lucky in that he is far enough away from me (over 200 miles) not to be able to just appear at whim. Since the last contact on 1st November I am gradually stopping thinking about him/the whole situation 95% of the time … and that’s only after 3 months. God help all you out there who have been entrapped by one of these people for years. I’m a pretty strong person but he broke through all my barriers in nano-seconds.xx
Thanks, afosterchild. I think if I can get past tomorrow night without him knocking on my door I will be well on the way. I have to say, when I HAVE been tempted to contact him, repeating NO CONTACT! mentally to myself does work! And I wouldn’t have done that without this site.
I like that visualization, positivagirl and I’m going to remember that one. They are just as damaging as cancer can be, because they can affect us the very same way: physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and psychologically as well. I always visualize them as snakes, full of venom (poison) that’s deadly to my well-being. At least with the last one from the church, I managed to jump out of the way in time before he struck because he was coiled and ready to strike me had I not left when I did. Although I’m no longer there, I get really strong vibes from him – I know that sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Maybe it’s just my imagination.
You know, somehow I always thought of him as being so good inside and that even though he wanted to hurt me, I’d be safe once he got married because he’d be committed to his wife and I’d be in the “discarded” arena of the cycle anyway. My sister disagrees because she says he’s liked me for well over a year and will not give up that easy, married or not. Somehow I’m trying to believe that he could care less about me after he’s married, but now I’m wondering if she’s right.
Maybe you can be conveniently “somewhere else” if he comes knocking tomorrow night. Make plans to be unavailable to him. Go out with friends, catch a movie, go to the park, go to an exercise class – anything that will take you away if you feel he will come around. Just be careful and stay safe.
Hi there, well he didn’t come knocking on my door on the 7th, but after his tirade on 1st Nov after I said I knew he was a sociopath and had reported what he’d done to the police, I didn’t really think he would – well, not without a shotgun! Have had no contact since the 1st, he’s removed me from WhatsApp, LinkedIn etc … but I went on LinkedIn tonight to find that he’s looked at my profile in the last 48 hours. But not hearing from him has really given my brain time to calm down and recover. I was only in this for 3 months (exactly, on the 12th Nov) and we only actually MET twice (the second time we were together for 2 days), so God knows how people who have lived with socios/psychos for years manage. It’s like being brainwashed. It IS brainwashing!
Stick with No Contact, people – it’s very good advice! xx
It is brainwashing, when you get away and have headspace to think you realise just how much of your mind was controlled. Also how much of your headspace that they took up.
What a great read! Thanks positivagirl!
It states, “you might find that trying to get rid of them out of your life is impossible, as they still attach to your energy by constantly thinking about you, focusing on you.You cannot get them out of your mind. The more that you are determined to get on with your life, the stronger they are in your thoughts.”
That makes so much sense, because I often wondered why I was always thinking about him, even when I tried not to and would intentionally try to think of other things. That’s sort of frightening to know that I’m always in the thoughts of this type of person, you know? I thought by physically leaving his environment, that I wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore.
You can cut the chords. I was with someone and this happened to me after we split. The thoughts of him in my head were so intense I thought I was going crazy. I did cut the chords and it got rid of him. Of course the outcome might have been mind over matter ? I don’t know? It did work though. Google psychic vampires.
I’m saying it’s frightening because I had a dream the other night where he said to me, “you didn’t think I’d let you go that easily, did you?” All along I’m thinking these are just my own insecurities surfacing. I’m so thankful for this site because I’m learning sooooo much about me, my emotions, and these vampires. It’s so good to be able to come to a place and know that I’m not crazy and that these things are reality and just because others haven’t gone through it, it doesn’t make it any less true and it’s hard to get them to truly understand what I’m going through.
Yes that be just your fears in your unconscious mind coming to the surface when you sleep. It does sound like you went through a very traumatic experience. You have nightmares with ptsd as well.
Hi, I’ve just reposted on this link as way of introduction, it’s funny (well not really) but the more I read the more I remember. It’s just where you spoke of your dream where he said that you didn’t think I’d let you go that easily did you?! Well my spath ex said exactly the same to me in so many words after we got back together after a break up. When we spoke about it, she said that I won’t leave you for long, I said how long would you leave it before coming round. I think she said a few weeks but it would never be over…I love you too much and also couldn’t bare the thought of you looking at anyone else the way you look at me, makes me sick thinking about it she said! Although it’s been a week I just feel it in my gut its not over, the longest we have gone is two weeks in a break up then she messages me, last time it was about her starting therapy, I wished her good luck, hope it works out! That was enough to open the lines of communication!!
Hi Near Miss (sorry, I’m still learning how to post in the right spot here)
Maybe you can be conveniently “somewhere else” if he comes knocking tomorrow night. Make plans to be unavailable to him. Go out with friends, catch a movie, go to the park, go to an exercise class – anything that will take you away if you feel he will come around. Just be careful and stay safe.
I might just go to a friend’s for the evening. I can’t imagine he would sit waiting for 4/5 hours for me to arrive so if I stay out of the way until later in the evening he would hopefully have been and gone. Thanks for your support. xx
Basically through my own research and time in therapy for the last month My ex lied, manipulated and deceived me from the moment we met and started going out. He used me for whatever means and carefully controlled everyone in his life to keep them exactly where he wanted them. His friends were not close to me, and he made sure I wasn’t close to them. He compartmentalised his life to keep everything separate so nothing ever crossed over. This way it was easy for him to lie about things to cover up his wrong doings. He started cheating on me very early on… and all the while kept his ex gf in the picture by charming her and being friendly. His is bi sexual, something he lied to me about, but behind my back was having intimate conversations with guys and even sleeping with them. Along the way little things were discovered y me but he always found a way to manipulate me into believing it wasn’t ever what it seemed. He carefully created the person he was to me, to be the perfect man I had always wanted. That way I fell in love with him really quickly and my love made me blind to his actions. Around four months ago it started falling apart for him, as his lies started to unravel and his best friend now started telling me about his antics. He still managed to pull the wool over my eyes even when I read texts from a girl saying he had made her pregnant. It was around this time that the crazy him started to come to light. He broke into my kitchen window in the middle of the night and we had a huge fight were he punched me twice in the face. I went on holiday with a bruise on my arm you can still see 3.5 months on! He carefully maintained a character of little boy lost, depressed etc… so my natural caring side and love just wanted to looked after him. Through out the whole time together he managed to steal, beg and borrow over £600 from me. And has refused to repay a penny! We split up on August 9th after one of his many rages, I had enough. The next day he went out down to the gay village in my city and bumped into a colleague and told them he was bi. He spent the whole night kissing guys. The following day he joined Plenty of Fish looking for a relationship with a girl, all the while texting his love for me and how he missed me! During this time I was starting to get really poorly and realising how ill it was making me. I couldn’t. sleep or eat and started missing work. I lost two stone in two months. But he had me tjinking he was depressed & down so my attention was on him. A week later we got back together after a tearful reunion in a pub. That night he went out on a first date with a girl who I recently spoke to. He told her we had been split for months and we were never serious. He started grooming her around this time. Through out the month of August he was cheating on me with numerous girls and men, and told two further colleagues he was bi sexual. He even went from the bed of a guy to my bed in the space of 24 hours during Gay Pride festival. I found that during this time no one in his family or friends knew we were together. He lied to them telling them I suffered a family inherited mental disorder, He was back talking to his ex telling her she was 100% perfect and he longed to be back with her. All the while he was telling me how he loved me, and wanted a future and to get married. In September he started pushing me away often. Dumping me when I was son flights and every time I wanted to walk away he would cry and beg me back. . I went to see him one night & he sat in his flat drinking vodka. He told me he didnt care i loved him & trapped my arm in the front door… I hit him in the struggle to get free as it was killing me trapped there and he called the police on me. But they never came. I drove home & threw up in my car. He was saying i wss mentally unstable etc. He went on a date with a girl that night. He started seeing a girl from his work at this time and had signed himself up for Grindr and websites called comedogging.com and friendswithbenefits.com He spent one last night with me, made sure it was perfect and made empty promises of his love and devotion and about a happy future. That night I took his phone and read just how deceitful he had been to everyone in his life about every aspect of his existence. He promised me i’d never lose him. He dumped me the next day. He said i deserved better etc… But it was all part of his ploy to control me… I’d attempted to end it a few times but he’d never let me. I was distraught. I reacted to finding out about all the deceit by telling his friends and family about all his deeds. I got so much abuse and so did my family that I went off sick and went to stay my friends. I was so ill I cant even tell you. I had to change my phone number as he started sending me death threats. A few days later he went to the police and filed a complaint of harassment against me. I was suicidal. I was put on beta blockers and started counselling. The doctor said I was suffering trauma and anxiety. He started emailing me trying to controls who I was communicating with as his best friend and I stayed in touch. Even he knew my bf had changed. The emails started to get vile and all I wanted was answers. He threatened me with the police again only a few days later to retract it all saying he loved me and wanted to make amends. I was in such a bad place and loved him so much I agreed to see him. But then he started asking for sex and 11 days ago I stopped all contact. I suddenly realised after this moment and then research I had done that “my Paul” never existed and I had been deceived. He has bombarded me with emails since, saying he loves me, saying he thinsk I am mental and need help, calling me names and then begging to see me and threatening to come round. So I went to the police last week. I spoke to the same copper he did. Who told me he thought he was a cock the moment he stepped foot in the station. I documented everything, the breaking in, assault and theft. It is all on file incase anything else happens. But agreed with the copper he is so dangerous he could make up anything and get me in so much trouble I could lose my job. He had told this police man we had been split for three months and that I was a mental case! So now I am coming to terms with losing the man I thought I was going to marry, and realising that the love of my life never existed. He was an illusion, a sick, twisted mentally ill loser who used, abused and ruined my name and reputation with everyone he knew. My dad has paid of the debt he left me in as he refuses to pay a penny back. I am just trying to get on with things, but it is so hard. I was so in love and happy for a time. It is hard to explain to people how I feel. But for the most part of the last month I have not really wanted to wake up and fairly often just wish I was dead.
You become addicted to them, so you feel you can not breathe without them.
And its all so complex just how abused you have been emotionally & mentally people dont understand & you end up looking the crazy one. I’m on meds & in therapy… & still.in love with someone who didnt even exist… Just an illusion. Its been 15 days of no contact for me… & 8 from him… & I miss him so much.
My god he sounds just like the guy I dated in 2010-11. You don’t live in Bristol do you?
I went through a lot of what you described, and my heart goes out to you. It is the most messed up emotional abuse. I was so traumatised at the time, I didnt even see it as abuse.
I rarely write about that experience here. As it was just so awful. So abusive.
Where you are right now, I really can empathise. i was in such a state – (I was already traumatised when I met him) it took a charismatic sociopath to mirror me and pull me out.
Do you know at the end of that relationship, It had been so bad, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. This is where this post came from, in memory of how I felt at that time.
I know its easier said than done, as you have to find you. And after that type of abuse you are left numb. Just absolutely dead – like a shell of a person.
You have held out your hand for help! …and that is the first step. its a further step than I was able to take back then, my brain so frozen, I couldn’t even see the sick type of abuse he was doing.
Well done you… for reaching out. I didn’t. 7 months later, i (still traumatised) met the charismatic sociopath…. we are here for you. It will get better, one day you will look back and realise that this is a time in your life, when you grow strength you did not know you had. You will find an inner you… and you will look back to the person you were before you met him and realise that you are so much stronger… stronger than you have ever been in your life.
You can do this!! You are stronger than you realise… I promise!!
Thanks…
I have been messaging you on FB actually… I just felt I needed to share my story on here.
I’m the girl who has had no contact now for 15 days… and he hasn’t contacted me for 8!
I was put on beta blockers today and had a further counselling session…
I had a breakdown a few years ago… he knew everything about me, and used it all against me in the last few months.
Like you said I never even saw any of this as abuse.
I loved him so very very much and still do. I sit here now missing him, his touch, his face everything…
But I know he ever existed.
My doctor says I am suffering a form of PTSD and the nightmares and constant thoughts are harrowing and really holding me back.
That stare I have read about in your posts, All though I never really thought much of it at the time… all the instances it was present with him have come back to haunt me and to be honest it’s like a horror movie in my mind. He stands at my bedroom door when I’m bed and just pierces through my soul.
I twice wrote to his parents concerned about him as he painted that victim picture and I seriously thought he was bi polar and an alcoholic. But he manipulated them into thinking I was indeed crazy.
I still am at a loss as to what to do.
Your latest post is very poignant for me as I was thinking a lot today about the causes for his condition and I seriously consider his parents an issue, with his fathers alcoholism in the past. A HUGE part of me wants to help him, but I know I want to help the man I loved and he really didn’t exist.
I saw a few times before it all broke down the real him, and he was a vile wretched person.
I have also realised that he didn’t have much of a personality, it was very much bravado and humour, and the use of props. I now only a month since we split can not really tell you about his personality and this is a man I was with for 12 months,
I am at a odd stage and I really just want time to move quickly so I am out of this pit I feel stuck in.
I am working very hard to get out of it, and as I mentioned in my session today with my therapist… I am just so frustrated… I never asked for this… I just want to be loved!
Hi Mcc81
although i did not suffer from PTSD and my ex never had a chance to smear (not to my friends – he did smear me to his work collegues and ex) or try to ruin me (although he threatened to) as i went NC straight away, there is a lot that you wrote that resonates so much with me. I was where you were not that long ago. missing him, his face, his touch and definitely the wanting to heal quickly and for time to hurry up. It wasn’t till i sat back and accepted that this is where i was and that i had to heal in its own way and in its own time that i started making real progress. I guess part of that was i stopped being so hard on myself. Everyone is different though.
i find it very interesting what you wrote about his personality, or lack of…. I realise that mine wsa the same, once you took away the humor and bravado… there really wasn’t much there except a weird obsession with music. Near the end i sometimes got bored with him. I just thought that was us adjusting as we moved into the next stage of our relationship but i think now that it was because he had no substance.
Hi, I posted on another link on here but not sure if it went through, anyhow I can’t find it! I feel a total fool right now after being sucked in so many times and the realisation is that my gut was right all along I first came across this site amongst others in April when I googled my fiance odd behaviour…ie I felt she had no conscience whatsoever at the time or sensitivity. You see my wife died 2 years ago, after a very long battle with depression she ended her own life leaving me devastated along with my to kids now aged 12 and 9. I was living in Australia at the time but returned to england last May to be close to family.
Anyway I bumped in to an old female school friend although we had nothing really to do with each other and within minutes was asking my story as it had been over 20 years since we last met. Within half an hour I was added on a site and the messages bounced. I was hooked and was so perfect. Beautiful, funny, we just talked and talked. I couldn’t have been happier but looking back even in the early days there was flashes of temper and quite evil. Throughtout I loved her so much, gave her absolutely everything but sometimes subconsiously her enthusiam at times seed underwhelming like it was no big deal. I think buying a large house for us all to live in, paying off her 11000 car loan so we could buy a bigger one, trip to New york and jewellery clothes…all sorts and you get the idea! She has caused massive problems with my mum and sister who I moved back to be close to, and hence are now not speaking since the last time I got back with her! She was down right a bully to my kids and made out they were always lying when they saw through her…particulary my son. They just wanted us to split up apparently! Same as my mum and sister!! I never thought I was such a push over and stood my ground always but the begging pleading and cries for help were too much and always bowed down. I was her absolute love…she had never loved anyone before, she knew this because of how made her feel! Yet the very next day we would split she was straight on network site messaging men! During one break she sold the car because it was in her name and I lost 18000 by that time yet even when we got back together a week later there was no sincere regret….Ive apologised what more do you want…!! Blamed me for not supporting her and in so many words pretty much accused me of having a hand in my wifes suicide!! I still took her back!! Outsiders looking in call me a mug but have no idea. I would have done the same at one time but my god she is clever! She started therapy…on meds for depression ( she knew that would get my heart melting as its such a painful subject to me and seeing alledgedly a councillor! I really doubt that now! I have evidence and confronted her of being overly flirtatious but denied it without batting an eye lash!!
Its over but feel very much alone at the minute, not sure if my family will ever understand or forgive me for standing up for someone who they thought was so evil….such a sad common theme in all posts but early days for me. Im taking all your advice. I have to see her at school everyday as my daughter is in her sons class but I avoid all eye contact….saying that I saw her yesterday with such a smug look but didn’t bite! Today I didnt give her the satisfaction! There is so much more that i have to tell you and this really is the tip! At least I can wear smart casual now when Im not with her and wear aftershave again
Im so sorry…I kept checking and checking but didn’t get an email with follow up reply! Thankyou so much…Ill have a look now and respond to my original post
You are spot on with your last comment! I have come to appreciate how lucky I was to have met and spent over 10 years with my wife. I think looking back now spath was very much threatened by my love for her as she would say…you are the love of my life, I have never loved before but you have! My wife set the standard and by how empathic people respond in a relationship, this always brought fireworks with spath because I always used to question exactly what she was getting at,or by what she meant by her many comments. I never made it too easy for her lol! She used to say stuff, I’d respond because I knew she was being ridiculous and knew exactly what she really meant which was met with denial and that Im twisting everything she says!!
I am sure that your family will forgive you. They love you. What they are feeling right now and their distance, is likely becase they fear that you will return to her. This is likely all that it is. They are probably concerned for you, and your children.
Bereavement of a partner, and a parent is a lot to go through. I am so sorry that you were targeted at a time when you were grieving. This is something that has happened to a lot of people (me too).
I think that you are right about they fear I will return…To be honest I havent told them but they must have noticed…My daughter goes where my neice goes aswell so I have my mum and sister in one playground who avoid me, then I stand near my daughters class and feel my spaths eyes burning in my back! Other mums who she talks to stare aswell now! Its such a mess!!!
Ah women do that in the playground. I think its often like that anyway!!
I am wondering, had you ever done bereavement counselling for the death of your wife? How long after she died did you meet this other woman? You say that your wife died in 2011?
My wife died in Jan 2011, I stayed in Australia till the following May. May 2nd I returned and met her mid June! I think what made it easy for her aswell was that we was in the same class at school, there was an instant common ground! We seemed to just click, laughed and talked a lot, I think that I genuinly thought that I could be happy again! I saw a psychologyst in the months after my wifes death but he wasn’t concerned and my main focus was on my kids….they witnessed her suicide…absolute tragic and would be hard for anyone as an adult but for them!!!!! Thats just what I can’t grasp or couldn’t with my ex spath….she didn’t ever seem to allow for that with them! It was always about her son and how hard it is for him because he doesnt see his dad everyday…like thats the same! My son used to get so angry when he heard things like that!
I would imagine that he did. It isn’t the same thing. I expect that you felt it was strange that you were both in the same class at school and now your children were in the same class at school. I would expect your children to have felt resentment that they had to share their father. If she was not nice to them, they could have feared that she would take their father away too. When a parent leaves suddenly out of a childs life, it can cause a sense of fear that they will lose the other, which can cause behaviour problems. Then if it is suicide, they have the additional burden of why? And were they not good enough, did they do something wrong? I just think she wasn’t good enough for you or your children. They have been through enough.
For anybody to do that to children who would have so much going through their head, is to my mind sick. Grrrr… it makes me feel not only sad, but quite cross 😦
I meant I returned to uk over a year later in the May not that same May following my wifes passing
That is still not too long. (I am not saying this in terms of judgement, just in terms of healing) and that you were likely still very vulnerable when you met her. So don’t be too hard on yourself.
It must be tough having to still see her at the school every day, particularly if she is gossiping at the school (which happens anyway from my memory)… Sounds like you have had to have a lot of bravery.
🙂 its ok I didn’t see it as a judgement and yes it was a very short time with regard to healing! I don’t think that its ever something you get over and the wounds will be there for some time yet, I thought that I could always love my wife, remember how lucky I was and still fall in love again. Spath didn’t like it one bit I can tell you that for sure!! Its funny talking to my son tonight about everything and it really just dawned on my the complete opposite scales my wife and spath were…one felt everything and couldn’t live with the hurt and pain ….the other has not one ounce of love compassion empathy! Its one extreme to the next!!
Do you know perhaps the beauty of this, is the reconition of something that was beautiful about your wife. Perhaps the parallel has enabled you to be able to explain to your son in a way that he can understand? And also for you too, perhaps some understanding. I believe that things happen for a reason. As harsh as these lessons are sometimes to learn.
I think it’s interesting how so many comment on the lack of uniqueness. I’ve read people writing about the “charismatic soc” (which I translate to mean convincing, over-the-top and manipulative), but no one ever says, “He had SO much personality!”
Mine integrated what could be perceived as personality into his tasteful dress (or, it could be characterized as gay/flamboyant probably from an outsider!) He constantly got comments on his appearance one way or another though—about dress, tatts. I guess this is good camouflage when you’re non-descript with your reactions, interactions, affections, etc.
excellent observation, mine used to dress up in 1950’s mens wear….hat,coat, vest, chain pocket watch………I remember how embarrassed I was when he dressed this way to go to the zoo…but he would get noticed that’s for sure.
MIne wore Ben Sherman and pretty much that was it – he was obsessed with being a mod! he is 37! Mine was a charismatic sociopath but had no friends. My sister said she found him uncomfortable/disconnected/socially uncomfortable. I didn’t introduce him to many of my friends.. mainly as most had recently moved away but also because he seemed socially uncoordinated and i hated babysitting him. However, during the love bombing we could talk for hours and hours, he was so charasmatic… now i realise it was because he was mirroring me. Once he had decided it was over (even though he hadnt told me yet) he no longer had any reason to continue the pretense so it got a bit boring
If he has you “staked out,” tell him if he doesn’t leave you will call the police. It is really as simple as that. You owe him nothing. If you could, you probably be willing to kick his ass. So, kick his ass with law. He is only there to destroy you.
Hi broken,
I don’t think your message was for me? Mine has thankfully left me alone since a month after discard.
Peace
This is to bewildered: Your the Sociopath. Sorry Bro. I’ve been through far too much to humor. I hope you see what life has to show you in order for you to atleast feel like its worth it to cooperate and contribute (selfishly) to the world around you. Sorry bro. You’ve been busted
I am unable to write this as a post – so I will write it here…. (He might see it) This was the truth that set me free!!
Sociopaths strive to be in control. They compartmentalise people in their life. The sociopath will want to know every part of your life, yet keep their own life private and secret. They ensure that they keep people in their life, away from each other. They do this to cover for their lies, to back up their lies, to manipulate others and be in control.
I had known the sociopath in my life for a few years, yet I still hadn’t met his family, or his friends. Accusations, false stories, and humiliation had seen me pull back from other people in my life. I felt small and ashamed.
The last contact that we had, was to be the one time, that he decided that I could meet his family. He had played the good guy for months, he was still controlling. I had no idea how the night would pan out or what would happen. One thing was for sure, he couldn’t keep his mask up whilst drinking. I thought the night was nice. We were to return to his mothers house to stay overnight, it was miles away from where I lived. I had no idea where we were. It felt to me the middle of nowhere. I had no idea what was to happen next…..
What did happen was the truth that set me free.
At the house, it was normal, he was normal. We played with their puppy when we got back. I had no clue what was going through his head, but as the master illusionist, I never did. We were to sleep in his mothers room. It was small house, his brother was asleep in the bed next door.
I was tired and wanted to sleep. I thought we were ‘ok’. He wanted sex. I said no. It felt wrong in his mothers bed, disrespectful. When I said no, he started yelling, really yelling at the top of his voice. He was shouting as if we were having a row. All things that he had falsely accused me of over the past two years. It felt crazy, I knew it was for his brothers benefit who was in the bedroom next door. I was scared. I tried to leave, he wouldn’t let me leave. He continued yelling obscenities and accusations at me. It was like he was having an argument with himself (giving the illusion that we were having a fight). However, of course it wasn’t this. This was the sociopath game. To have his brother believe these things about me. To back up his lies. I was begging him to stop. He slapped me across the face. I hit him back. Then he started yelling top of his voice, I had hit him, he was calling the police.
I was stunned…..
I had been set up. I couldn’t believe it. He later scratched his face twice, to make it look like i had really harmed him. Slapped me twice more. He continued yelling terrible things about me, allegations that were not true, that he had obviously obviously told others about me. I was being set up and there was nothing that I could do about it.
You would think that this was rage, that came from somewhere, that he had lost control. I thought this too. I tried to hug him to tell him that I loved him, to please stop. I felt humiliated, trapped and ashamed. I was also frightened. Right there and then he seemed out of control.
Then his mother came back, we heard the vehicle pull up in the drive and the key into the door downstairs. Suddenly, he was calm. Whispered shhh, be quiet. He didn’t want his mother to hear what was happening. I was stunned. He DID know exactly what he was doing. His attack of me, was deliberate for a reason. To deceive his brother and to back up his lies. He wasn’t angry – this was all a deliberate sociopath game. For a reason.
The next morning he got up went into the bathroom, and came back with scratches over his face. To make out that I had done this to him. Yes, I had hit him back after he hit me, but I hadn’t scratched him, and those scratches were not there before he went to the bathroom. I was stunned just how far he would go to play out his elaborate game of deception.
He went downstairs to speak to his family in the morning, mortified, I stayed upstairs in the bedroom. I was stunned and couldn’t believe this was happening. For the first time. I had no words. There were no words.
I do not usually write posts of my own stories here. I wanted to write this one. As this man, had, for months, been playing perfect man.
Three weeks earlier on a Sat night, we had gone out drinking. Suddenly he attacked me after coming out from the toilet. He accused me of talking to a man on my phone. It wasn’t true. I had just been to the toilet. That is all. I showed him my phone, he pushed me, people in the pub challenged him. Then outside he slapped me. Walking along the road, police were walking down the road. I asked them for help. They took me to the station then sent me home in a taxi. Of course he showed up at my house. Shouted and yelled through the night. At 8am police arrived at my home. Female officer wanted to arrest him. I didn’t want that.
He was taken away by the police, a few hours later. He returned to my home with a male officer. The way that the officer glared at me, it was obvious he had lied to the police about me. Made out that I was a nutter, and that he was just defending himself!!…. i was stunned. I felt betrayed. Yet still I deluded myself.
At least until the final night. On the final night, i saw for myself just how far he would go to delude and deceive. The lengths he would go to to play the game, and how nobody else was important. Others were just players in the game.
I wanted to write this as a post – but likely he would see it… so I put it here – and I hope that people can find it, and that it might help somebody.
Don’t be deluded. The sociopath will go to extraordinary lengths to back up their lies. This is why he had kept me seperate from his family. Why I had never met anyone in his life. He was telling me one thing and them another. Never had I seen him play the victim as much as he did that night. I realised that this person would do and say anything for his own ends – to win and to be in control.
I decided that I didn’t want to play the game anymore. Even my fascination for sociopathic behaviour became something I was no longer interested in. I had to protect myself.
The truth… seeing the truth…. had really set me free!! 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story & for sharing You with us & creating a site for us all to come & find answers/support/knowledge/enlightenment/peace 🙂
I wrote a big long response but, the internet dropped out so, my reply was lost in the ether but, I did want to share this with you 🙂
I read a book by Peter Levine & it’s about trauma & is titled ‘In An Unspoken Voice’ & whilst reading this passage I was instantly reminded of the Sociopath & I would like to share this observation with you 🙂
‘Disembodiment methods include the addictions to overwork, sex, drugs, drinking or compulsive eating. All are ways to suppress, numb or control the body-or are, ironically misdirected attempts to feel it. However, without embracing bodily experience, we are left with an empty shell, a narcissistic image of who we think we are. We are unable to really feel the fullness of ourselves, a fullness formed from a continuous flus of experience. Pornography & eating disorders are two sides of the same coin-disembodiment & objectification. The less the body is experienced as a living entity, the more it becomes an object. The less it is owned, the further it is divorced from having to do with one’s core sense of self’.
I truly believe as an embodied/empathic person, that the Soc is disembodied/not empathic & their quest to feel anything whatsoever is like filling a bucket full of holes with water.
They keep filling up on the good people but, we eventually drain out so, they move to the next as we know for supply!
I am taking my bucket & my water off to Bali in two days & I wish all of you, especially Pos, full buckets from here on 🙂
Ah we will miss you!! Yes I think you are right about the filling up of other people. When they can’t get that they move onto the next victim.
What was weird is that last conversation we had. He had thrown himself into character of the lie so much he believed it himself. Actually I have experienced that with a psycho before. You can tell when they tell you something someone else has said to back up their lien but they are telling you and you are the one who knows it’s a lie. I think they can become the lie.
Have a wonderful time in Bali. We will all miss you here how long arw you going for?
Hi Lovely Pos 🙂
I am off tomorrow the 12th so, just wanted to wish you continued healing & love 🙂 I will be in touch.
Look after yourself first & foremost & all the wonderful people here, that have become a great source of strength to me 🙂
It’s quite a community that you have given a voice to & I know without you a lot would be lost, including me….it’s like going to AA meetings (I never have) online to keep yourself straight 😉
Hopefully I don’t need AA when I come back 😉 LOL….
Stay Strong, Love & Light, Never Alone, Always someone to help, keep going 🙂
May All Your Achievements (MAYA) live in our hearts forever 🙂 BIG HUG 🙂
PR xoxo
Have a GREAT time! i came back from my holiday another step forward in my recovery and am definitely in the acceptance stage now. It was the best thing for me to break away from everyday life and come back a fresh!
We will miss you 🙂
xx
🙂 🙂 🙂
NIBSIH 🙂 Thank you & take care of yourself also 🙂 xoxo
I have been in the exact situation, but didn’t get out in time. I fooled myself because I was depressed, shy and vulnerable. I ended up in prison on remand for defending myself and the young policemen that arrived were more interested in having a laugh with him than for the fact blood was running down my face. I had been beaten and abused for years, he had 7 kids to another woman before me and they used to call me to tell me to kill myself. Phoned me at work, to tell me to stay away. Alarm bells rang and I ignored them. He convinced me that his children were only jealous and unhappy that he had left. But he had told me when we met that he had left a year before???? Anyway at the end of this sorry tale, I resigned from my great job, even though my bosses were in court to support me,because they knew that wasn’t me. But i couldn’t face the embarassment of going back to work where everyone knew and probably assumed I had some guilt. My life will never be the same. To explain to strangers what I had been through is beyond speach. The repercussions were devestating, I was angry and delusional. I’ve fallen out with everyone I know, including my small range of family because of my bitterness now. But additionally, my only brother in the world talked to this guy and believed him, even though this guy had told me he wanted to have sex with my brother’s ex wife and had admitted to me that he already had sex with my best friend of 20 years. Things become that absurd that no-one can or possibly don’t want to belive what people are capable of.
I wish I could express my experience in writing as well as you did.
My socio turned on me in August. I was never let in to his circle. We fought, I fought with him about how I felt excluded from his life, how he had another life I knew nothing about. I did everything to help this man an yet I had no place in his life. I was in such a horrible place emotionally for almost 2 years.desperate to have him yet desperate to end the pain I knew he was causing. Everything that I went through was planned, every fight, every clue that he left to make me feel insecure, every time he blew me off, it served a purpose in what he wanted me to feel and do.
I thought I could play his game. I thought I could out smart him. I couldn’t my feeling were real. I’ve shared in the past on this site what happened that led me to say enough, I needed to make a change, I don’t want to repeat it but I will repeat what I changed an worked for me and my recovery.
I cut all emotion when dealing with him. I accepted what I went through. Accepted I will never get an explanation or an apology or the truth. When he text me, It was just words. His words were now empty. They had no effect on me anymore.
I keep myself busy, very busy. I did things that kept my mind busy.i painted, counted a giant jug of change (20,876 pennies) did some gardening. I told my mind to shut up if I started thinking of him.
I’m not over it. But I’m getting there. I’m in a better place emotionally. I don’t cry everyday. I don’t lose days lost in thinking of him anymore. I feel alive again. It’s been a process, I have more good days than bad ones and that keeps me hopeful that one day it will just be a distant memory.
I haven’t heard from him in awhile. The last time I talked to him he accused me of getting him fired, evicted from his friends home, using him. He claims I plotted to ruin his life and being happy he is homeless and broke. I used to beg him to stop accusing me of these things but then I realized what’s the point. It’s what he believes, he has changed history so that what he says magically becomes a fact.i lived it, I was there. I know the truth, fighting with him and his “truth” became pointless, he says he is the victim and my reason for leaving him is because I’m looking for a new victim now. So rediculous.
He also put an ad with my home address for free sex toys knock on my door 7am. Saturday. I had many people mostly men show up. It was scary. I could have made into a big deal, text him fight about it, he would accuse me of creating the ad myself and say I was desperate. So I let it go.i didn’t give in to the game. I have a daughter at home, I couldn’t believe that he would do that to me. But after thinking about it some more I realized of course he would do that he doesn’t care, I’m just another name of someone he used. He doesn’t care.
This is my experience, this is what is working for me, I know everyone is different, the stories are different. I wish I hadn’t stayed as long as I did. I wish I hadn’t gone in circles so many times.i wish I hadn’t been so hopeful or forgiving. I’m glad I chose to face the facts and realized the puzzle will never be solved, pieces are missing, pieces ill nevee find, im glad i said fuck it, move on. I chose to get my life back, I wanted to be me again.
Time waits for no one. I saw life pass me by and I was stuck for so long. Cutting him off emotionally was the start to help me in my recovery. I was in a hole and I never thought that I would get out of that darkness but I am. Ill never understand him, I’ll never know why he chose me to use, ill never know, I’ll never know ill never know.
And I’m ok with that. It’s done now, because I stopped being what he wanted and I chose to be me.
Stay busy, Good luck, be safe and stay strong. It will get easier when you decide you’ve had enough.
Hi Absorbtion,
Something you wrote about in your post struck a cord with me
It’s the part about feeling excluded from his life and him having a whole other life away from you . Boy, have I felt that way .
I used to tell him that I felt I was number 15 on his list of prioritys . His reply to me was that I was on a list all of my own with nobody before or behind me . So I said , how is it then , that I don’t feel that way ?
I also had the feeling of him having another life away from me . I knew of his strange sleeping patterns and his passion for his computer . He would wake up at 1:30-2:00 pm and open his computer . I don’t know what he did on there and I don’t want to know because it would probably make me sick . When I asked him what he would do at that time at night, when he was unable to go back to sleep , he said he would watch Egyptian News .
Many times when his phone rang he would just look who it was and not answer , always feeding in to my suspicions . It used to get me right in my heart .
Why do we stay so long with these pathetic creatures who don’t posess an ounce of human decency?
I didn’t know it then but I sure know now since I found this site .
I thank God every day that I found all of you .
I remember the days when I walked in darkness feeling so alone , not being able to understand any of it
When Valentines day or my birthday was approaching and he would ask me what I wanted , I answered that I wanted nothing except a better understanding between the two of us . But that wasn’t in the cards. I didn’t know he was feeding of my emotions and that he put a spell on me that made me in to an addict .
All those silent treatments , I have lost count, and all the reunions that fallowed by my initiation because I needed my fix , I needed the pain to stop for just a little while ( I know u all know what I’m talking about ) .
At some point I had realized that I was on borrowed time and I started to count the days . After a week had passed and then 10 days I knew he would be out the door again over some bullshit that was again my fault .Again I went through withdrawel . How sick I was !
During one of his silent treatments I suffered a heart attack . The stress of this relationship was becoming apparent . It was March 17, 2012 . He took a ride to New Jersey to visit his friends while I had 12 people working an me in the emergency room of the hospital to save my life . It was a frightening experience but he had no horse in this race at all . My hope for things to get better where in wain.
Well , I’m in a better place now but it took a lot of blood , sweat and tears to get here .
I drew the line after taking him back yet one more time after NC for 3 and a half months . That was about 3 weeks ago .
After spending the night with me, he left my house at 8 am and he returned at 8:30 pm claiming he had an epileptic seizure . When I approached him at the door and I kissed him I got a scent of something I had never smelled on him before and I said so. Of course he had no idea what in the hell I was talking about and I was the crazy
one again . Oh no not this time , I said to myself .I believe my nose over anything that could come from his mouth at this point .
Two days later I send him an email calling him a Sociopath . I have not heard from him since and I hope I won’t hear any more .
I’m so done with all the lies the deception and manipulation , but the memories linger . There is no way to forget the last 3years but I can process those memories differently by putting them in there rightful place .
P.S.
I send an email to Dr. Phil ( popular talk show here in the U.S.) asking to do a show on Sociopaths/ Psycopaths .
Word has to get out , people have to be aware of these predators . To my sisters here in the states maybe send some more emails to Dr.Phil with the same request . Thanks!
Love you , stay strong XOXOXO
That is because they compartmentalize their life. They keep their own life secret and people away from each other. If they didn’t their lies would be shown. All psychos compartmentalize
You are not alone. Your statement, “I was in such a horrible place emotionally for almost 2 years.desperate to have him yet desperate to end the pain I knew he was causing,” if modified could be said by probably everyone that posts here. In my case the socio was a woman.
.
I could go on for hours telling you about the shit she pulled, but it would be redundant. Her turning on me was, ironically, when she finally agreed to go into therapy that I had helped facilitate her going into. Instead of focusing on making it a positive thing for her and her messed up kids (who suffered her abandonment and abuse), she used therapy to manipulate the aging therapist into giving her a certificate that reflected “She was not Alcohol Dependent.” She needed that so she can present it in family court and kidnap her youngest son into her custody. She sleeps with her 23 year old son and rubs his back to sleep and wonders why he is a freaking loser.
I do why I was chosen. Her brother and law & sister thought I was, as her sister said, “an interesting stud, and wanted fix me up with her.” At this point I feel like her sister gave me to her for a feeding. Its interesting that after getting to know the family I realize now that there is not one of my ex-soc’s siblings that isn’t completely bizarre. Personality disorders (narcisissm, sociopathology) run in the family. I was sufferieng from legal troubles (which are now resolved) and emotional (PTSD..I now am in treatment at the local Veteran’s Center in my area), which probably made me a likely candidate for her abuse
You poor woman – I really feel for you. That’s terrible, but I have seen that pattern before. It makes me think that my ex-sp and his previous ex were both SPs … I think they were physically abusive to each other to set each other up. He mentioned that he “didn’t think” he’d ever be physically abusive toward me. I told him “good thing, because if you ever raise a hand to me, you’ll end up in traction”. And I meant it. It wasn’t long after that that he broke up with me – I think he was scared of me.
I know how embarrassing it was, and terrible, but you are FREE now, and that’s a great thing. Bless you for being honest, and helping so many other people.
I hadn’t really emotionally connected with him again. He got evicted from his place, put his stuff in my garage…. you know how it is!!
What amazed me, was just observing his behaviour. How he believed his own lies. But most importantly how he KNEW exactly what he was doing. As soon as his mother returned he was calm. It was deliberate. To play out his game that sociopaths play.
It was so clear, so obvious., I was crying and shaking and he had NO care…. just nothing. We split a long time ago. So it hasn;t realy affected me too much. I just feel relieved – and hope he will move on. I wish him well and happiness 🙂 I do…. his brain is firing proper crazy right now. He is telling me things that he has lied about to others – and telling me how someone else said…blah that crap.
Oh and of course, there were the threats to ruin my life. Oh and how he is going to tell everyone bad shit about me. He doesn;t realise he is a one trick pony. I laughed, and said err… well you shoot your mouth off too early cos right now there is nothing you to ruin; you already took it all!! 🙂
Anyway he was ‘i love you’ ‘your the love of my life’ i said I dunno what you want me to say? He asked me how I could be so cold?? described me as a ‘blank canvas’…. i guess he meant i had zero emotions left that he could manipulate.
Its a good feeling and I feel relieved…. well… except I know he will prob show up and cause drama for me in my life. Maybe he wont.
Wow Pos. no wonder u understand us all so well, you have been through the worst if it. There are parts of ur reply here that once again I resonate so strongly with. Unbelievable!
I read your comment and my stomach did flips, I was confused for a minute, I thought I had written it. Our experiences were very familiar, (I’m in l.a.) so I know how you felt or feel.
It was such a sad time in my life and my heart ached for this man for such a long time I thought I would never feel at peace again…or even bored. I was always on edge waiting for the next thing to happen.
I don’t know where you are in your recovery. Or no contact. But I had to start over ever 2 hours, every other day, 4 days , until I finally broke. It will get easier. I stopped picking at the sutures and decided to let myself heal. However you choose to heal, do it. Accept the past and leave it there. Be strong . Stay safe.
My Pinocchio prohibits me to talk to his mother and sisters, he even erase their number after their few calls. His mother contact me and was the first person to prevent me we talked a lot, and share time together, even after everything finished. She and her daughters had a really hard time with him when he was younger. They decided to stay away from him and the contact is scarce. He never knew we have a really good relationship.
I knew him for two years. In those two years, he kept me seperate from all of his life. The one before did the same I knew him for a year.
The odd thing is, that they do not present it to you like that at all. You think that it is just because they are choosing to be with you. They always have lots going on behind the scenes.
My Soc only let me meet his family/friends when I was leaving him so, as to bait the hook more as I protested over his lack of involving me within his life as he was in mine.
18 months after I first met him he turned 50 & I was not invited to his ‘surprise party’, he knew about it (no surprise) but, said his daughter was organising it etc…so, he couldn’t ask her to invite me as he wasn’t supposed to know about it? I later found out he knew all about it & was instrumental in the inviting of family & friends & even showed me pictures of the night. I was so hurt I told him to forget it & I’ll move on. Then he upped the game & had his workmates contact me to say they had never seen him so upset & talk about someone as he did ‘me’ 🙂 so, bit by bit he smoozed me back into the picture 😦
I left his game 3 times & each time he had his followers bring me back by lying & covering for him & he would let me meet one person at a time so, that I felt like I was being accepted into his inner sanctum….little did I know then it was an asylum for the insane 😉 😉 oh well….I know now as we all do & he can have his silly game & crazy followers….I’m off to Bali with real friends & have my own loyal following that I never will take for granted & I will love & respect them more than ever 🙂
PR xoxo
Oh PR… they are such awful people. How they trick you into believing their lies because you want to so much believe in the good of people. In the good of them. Have a great trip gorgeous and talk when you get back xxx
Mine says that his family isn’t good. That they
were unable to forgive him for his teenage mistakes, that they envy him. His family are great, they are just tired of dealing with him after so much money, time and love invested on him. I had the rare opportunity to saw them together when he was sick and he treats his mother very badly, she is so scared by him.
I dated a sociopath. He has lied, cheated (once he made out with a girl right in front of me), set me up to hurt me and basically laughed in my face for it. He NEVER apologized for anything he does . He always blames it on someone else or on drugs or alcohol. And to make it worse he turns the blame on me..anytime i try to call him out for the things he does he lies and makes excuses. If i present him with evidence to prove he is wrong or that he is lying he gets ANGRY. He wont admit to lying even with the evidence (sometimes evidence from friends in common,things they’ve seen with their own eyes)…instead he makes me feel bad for accusing him when he did “nothing” wrong. And he says “if your going to treat me this way we don’t need to speak to each other because this just isn’t right, i don’t deserve it”. And if I say another word to him he will ignore me completely. He said the only way he will speak to me again is if i DROP all of the drama and let it go. He really wants to be cool and not fight and he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend. I want to not fight too but i really feel like he is walking all over me. I feel trapped and abused and i don’t know what to do. I can’t pretend nothing is wrong just so me and him can still hang out, but that’s what he wants. I’m not giving that to him so he says its over between us. I’m emotionally a mess. Is it normal to feel like you need to see a counselor? My friends have been very worried about me because i am always in low spirits, im angry, and i just want to be alone. They say my self esteem has dissapeared. I agree with them sadly. i feel very depressed everyday and i don’t feel like i have any value. He could care less how much he has hurt me so i feel very alone. Before i met him i was a completely different person. I’ve tried to talk to family and friends but most of them just don’t understand why he acts like that and so therefore they don’t really know how to give me advice.
Damaged …your trouble with depression may deepen if you do not seek out the advice of the good people here. And please….try to get individual therapy so you can more thoroughly and comprehensively navigate your way through the damage that prick has done to you.
The depression for me was deeply routed in the constant state of confusion I felt. The soc I dated manipulated me out of any safety net I had in my own life. I could never get her to even ballpark when she would come over. I understood that she had motherly responsibilities, but she used that as a way to control the relationship, my time, & actually my emotions (“Sorry can’t see you I gotta do this or that this weekend”). I could never plan on anything I invited her to a friend’s house party as my guest. She humiliated me by ending up in the basement getting stoned with a group of men who she was quite flirtatious with. I’m not that possessive by nature, but by the end of the relationbship I had become a jealous possessive freak. After she would set me up she loved saying, “You are so unattractive when you get that way.”
She was good at causing total confusion with me. She would come off as this dizzy-headed girl, and then out of no where become this brain-surgeon, and then slip into this psycho bitch, and then nurturing girlfriend (only giving the impression of it but never really being nurturing.
Please seek out help for your feelings. The low you are at is no joke
I read your post and pulled my car over to respond, because your situation reaches out to me. First I want you to know that it is not your fault, and no, you are not crazy for thinking you need a therapist. I have posted my own experience’s here, and one thing I want you to know is that for weeks before I attempted suicide over my SOC, I asked myself the same questions about seeking professional help. I wish now that I had. Depression seems to ne the one common illness that the SOC uses to their advantage.
If I had found this site earlier, I may not have taken the extreme measures that I did, so perhaps you will find whay you need here nefore it os too late.
I sincerely urge you to seek that help if you are not understanding your own SOC and situation before your depression deepens.
The people here are incredible, and are willing to help.
wow well im glad you can relate so we both aren’t alone. Ok just wanted to make sure i wasn’t going crazy for feeling like i need help. Oh my goodness your situation seems way worse=( I am so sorry. I’m glad you chose not to go through with the suicide. Your story has inspired me to go ahead an book an appointment with a therapist because youre right i dont want to wait until its too late and i feel like i keep getting worse and worse and for some reason i still dont see why i need to cut him out of my life…he has just brainwashed me. Thats why i feel i need help because i dont trust myself anymore to make decisions.
I don’t know about anyone else, as I was severely traumatised (due to other things other than sociopath), but this was something that i struggled with. My lack of ability to trust my own decisions anymore.
Seeing a therapist should (hopefully if you find the right one) help you through the fog of confusion. It is normal to not know what to think, and to miss them terribly as they create dependency and addiction to them (deliberately).
I promise you that you can heal and recover and come out the other side…. you really can. Try to take one day at a time, and to do things every day (or at least one) to bring back focus to you. Know that you are not alone, everyone who is on this site (apart from the odd sociopath who posts) understands how you are feeling, we have all been there too.
Maybe you are not seeing it right now, but you are making a decision, a good decision to regain control of yourself and your sanity. A decision to become a survivor. With time and no contact you will begin to heal. Keep strong!
What you are experiencing is normal, you are seeing the truth, and the truth of a sociopath hurts. You are on your first step, don’t be afraid!
@DamagedHeart – he IS walking all over you! And, funny, he wants to keep you as a “friend” – but he’s done nothing to earn your loyalty or friendship. It’s not about you, it’s about him and what he can get from you. When he can’t manipulate or control you anymore, he’ll ditch you, make no mistake.
Thank God my friends and family saw mine for who he is (which is a complete douchebag) – but regardless, your family and friends must see the change in you. Do they not believe you because you are witholding facts about him, kind of protecting him so that they don’t think you’re nuts for staying? (I’ve done this before) If your personality is changing for the worse because he’s in your life, then why on earth would you want to gift him with your friendship? He doesn’t deserve your time or energy.
Do yourself a favour and ditch the loser. No contact all the way – believe me, it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
I agree with Darling, He is only trying to demand power over you, undermine your emotions as worthless and make you come to him so that you have no say whatsoever… a friend wouldn’t do that.
Go no contact. you can stop this fiasco now. Dig deep inside you and find the strength… you do not need someone who treats you like this in your life.
I’m in high school and I’m only 15 right now and I met this boy. We immediately hit it off — #1 characteristic of a sociopath I’ve learned now is that they are charming. He was sweet to me every day after we met. Good morning texts, text messaged me throughout the school day, messaged me on Skype when he’d get home. After only a few days he’d talk about cuddling and wanting to “hang out”. We’ve only seen each other in school every lunch period. We’d begin holding hands when we’d leave and he began kissing my cheek goodbye too. We exchanged letters, and we’d talk really sweet to each other over skype, saying how he wants to be my first kiss and everything because he “wonders what it’d be like to be someone’s first kiss”, and that kissing is “really fun”. I told him we should only kiss if we’re going out, and so he decided to ask me out over skype. It didn’t last even 3 days because I find out on Sunday that he met up for the first time with a long distance girlfriend who he’s been dating for 3 months. I found this out through some blog-creeping. Another symptom- the mask he had, and the lies he kept from me. I confronted him about it over skype and he remained eerily calm, trying to play the victim saying that he’s a horrible person and he’s horrible at relationships, he didn’t even say sorry– MORE symptoms: a lack of understanding of morals and conscience, and lack of empathy. In school I give him a 4-paged letter telling him exactly what he ruined of what could have been between us if he hadn’t been a fuck up, and I left him to read it. He gives me his reply through text, trying to explain himself and claiming that he’s believed in “polyamorism” and that he’s “irresponsible” and it’s “out of his control”. Through more blog-creeping I find out that there has been another girl that has been hurt today by him, because she found out the lies he was keeping. Today we were supposed to be walking home together so he could meet my mom and be my first kiss and we’d be hanging out. I’m glad I got out of that one so early before we could get further and before I’d get really hurt, though.
Your comment made me cry. Not only because it was sad but more because of the message of hope. It’s true, this will pass, wake up every day and choose you. It may not be easy some days but believe me it will get better.
Thank you again for your site. I am going to meet an old friend tomarrow, it’s a huge step for me. My loyalty for my ex was so huge, I never thought I would be able to open myself to having someone in my life again…baby steps, right. For me this is a giant leap.
Stay strong everyone, allow yourselves to heal by choosing YOURSELVES!
Thank you. I did spend time with my friend (ex boyfriend actually,but we are friends now) I didn’t want to bombard him with what happened in my relationship with my socio, but I asked him some questions and I realize that I need to change many things about myself if I want to be in a healthy relationship with anyone. I am very needy, maybe even a little borderline. I know what happened with my socio was something ill never understand or knew about until it was too late, I realize that maybe my flaws made me a target. And it’s kinda sad but oh we’ll. I’m determined to be a better me.
Hi, Totally new to writting on blogs. Would love to share my experience with my sociopath if this is how to leave my story or comments as in writting at the bottom of the feed?? thanks
Thank you Positivagirl i will look forward to writting about my experience soon and hopefully get some feedback from yourself and others on your blog, which is fantastic btw you’re an inspiration 🙂 Butterfly girl
The Biggest Lesson I Have Learned In Life Thus Far.
Hi my name is Christina, and Yesterday was quite possible one of the worst days of my life- no exaggeration. This is a long story but I would really appreciate people to read this – I believe it will be worth something to everyone who does.
Where do I even start? The past 24 hours I have done lots of research on sociopathic people and their tendencies; I have learned that their complex behavior cannot be reasoned with and that Its truly an unfortunate happening if you ever get caught up in their web of lies, especially romantically.
My experience was with a guy named Joey. We met through a mutual friend about 3 years ago, and we quickly advanced our relationship until we were exclusively together as a couple. Im 20 years old now, and he is 7 years older than me. At first I ignored the age difference, because he said he looked at me as a peer, and I believe I am mature for my age, but now I believe that he preyed on me because of my youth- my willingness to forgive and immense compassion towards everyone.
This was not the first serious relationship that I have been in, however it was the most serious out of them all. I brought him to family events, vacations, everything. I let him in closer than I’ve let even some of my girlfriends. My family liked him and thought he was a great guy- and I trust their opinions.
Our three years together are hazy now looking back, but I can tell you I spent almost all of my free time with him. I was completely emotionally mentally and romantically invested in him. we often talked about our future, and how he has never been in such a “real” relationship with another girl..that the things we shared together the talks we had were completely unprecedented. He was the source of my happiness. I entertained the though of us getting married and we talked about that and having children several times. A word of advice, don’t talk about marriage to a partner unless you are both in the position for it to happen because you could potentially be setting yourself up for worse heartbreak.
Anyway I stayed at his house most nights, he called me “mom” when talking to boss, his american bulldog, who I grew very close to. I met his parents. Everything seemed to be normal…
The first time I pressed him to tell the truth about one of his elaborate stories that did not add up, it was a huge fallout and ended up with him literally crying and begging me not to leave. The weird thing is that I don’t even remember what he was lying about because it was SO trivial. As time progressed, the instances of his stories being outrageous or unbelievable, and me pressing for details to confirm or deny these fabrications increased. It would not happen often, so when it did, I simply brushed it off because I did not think the issue was that of him being a mentally ill person.
He had a tough past, filled with drug addictions and people that probably did not care for him. Something he confided to me about was the death of his Grandmother who was, in short, his world. Now looking back I believe her tragic death was maybe the root of his problems.
He was a very defensive person, very cunning, very manipulative. I don’t ever remember myself feeling manipulated (until yesterday), but I know he manipulated many other people- he is a Chef and would come home every night and literally tell me stories about the other inept people working with him and basically how his skill set was far superior to anyone else’s. It is fine to vent but at one point I had to let him know how ugly it made him look to degrade other people like that and talk about them in such horrible ways. Not to mention his stories were always inflated, elaborated, and spun whichever way he was feeling at the time. There were also times when I caught him in lies and metaphorically had to beat the truth out of him. I remember one instance when he was texting and I saw his ex girlfriends name on his phone and I caught a glimpse of the word “beautiful” in their conversation. He repeatedly denied talking to her and literally tried to delete the thread while standing up off my floor casually but luckily i jumped in and saw the “delete” option up- only after I told him that I saw that and made him swear on his Grandmother’s grave did he admit to talking to her- and then explained it as encouragement for a job interview that she had. I believed him, because I was blinded by love, and I wanted to believe that I was the only girl that he truly loved.
I thought that I was the one exception to these bad qualities that I saw. I thought even though he lied, and I suspected him to be a pathological liar, that I could work through these faults because I loved him, he loved me, and everyone has their faults right? WRONG. Normal people do not lie just to lie- they feel guilt when they do lie. You cannot glaze over these fundamental characteristics of a person. No matter how great you may think they are otherwise.
In September, after being in the relationship for another year, we were both miserable- I did not trust him, and the lying became more and more frequent. It annoyed him when I pressed him for details- he said I was being “nitpicky” and that I drove him to essentially put up walls to block me out because he didn’t want to be constantly criticized. Anyway we broke it off and I began to move on though we still talked somewhat sporadically.
About a month ago, I asked him to bring me all of the things he had of mine from his house and he did. He took one look at me and started to cry- he became really emotional and told me that if I ever needed someone for anything at all, he would always be there for me.
About two weeks ago, we were still sporadically texting, and it was an awkward thing really because I did not know how to be friends with him. I told him I was ready to talk because we hadn’t actually every talked about breaking up- I just abruptly ended it. We talked on the phone for over two hours and he seemingly came to the exact correct conclusion that it was truly his fault for us breaking up- he had a problem swallowing his pride and reacted defensively every time that I questioned his integrity or trust or what he was doing at the time. he repeatedly Apologized which was unusual, and told me that his biggest fear is for me to be walking down a street and find someone else to fall in love with. He “wanted to be the man that I deserve” and “would be lucky to get another chance with me.” Well that was nice and It made me feel a little more emotionally stable because at this point, he was all I still thought about. BUT we still had not talked in person and we didn’t set anything in stone. A couple of weeks went by and finally he told me that he wanted to talk to me in person, but that he would rather not meet at his house. So he came to mine.
We agreed that we both loved each other, and shared very emotional thoughts and words and kisses- I was officially back in his trap. He made a point to ask me if I had been with anyone else during our time apart, and I answered truthfully. I did kiss someone else but it wasn’t like we were involved emotionally or any further than that. I asked the same question and he answered flat out NO – he had been so busy transitioning to his new job that he hadn’t even had the time. I believed him. Two or three days after that, he came over late one night after work, and we shared a very intimate night together, I felt that I loved him enough to give myself to him again -we had discussed how he needs to change so that we could be happy together- he seemed to realize this and understand that this is a last chance for him to show me he is the man I deserve. During the entire night he spoke to me sweetly, held me, was so tender, so caring. There were so many conversations about how we missed each other, he Told me he loved me etc.
We then texted like we were back together for the next two days- him calling me baby, princess, etc. I was so much happier and I felt like things were finally back to normal, but even better. If words were all that mattered, we would be married already because he is that good at saying what I needed to hear.
The second night after we had sex, he told me that he was going to try to come stop by after work and visit me. He ended up never answering me past 1 (ultra late to be having a meeting in a kitchen), and didn’t return any of my calls. The next morning he was even supposed to come tailgate with my family and I at anLSU football game. I felt that something wasn’t right because this was such a pivotal time in our relationship and it would be asinine of him to ignore me after telling me several times that he was coming to see me.
I drove to his house, his car and another car were there. he told about two or three weeks ago that he had a roommate, Erik, so I assumed the other vehicle was Eriks. I saw his phone in his car next to a pint glass so that explained why he wasn’t answering. I proceeded to knock on the door.
Someone came to the door, not to open it, but to lock the deadbolt. I knew something was wrong at that point. I spent twenty minutes beating on windows until finally i took the screen off of his bathroom window located in the backyard at which time the window fell in, and I saw him standing there naked. “what the **** are you doing Christina”.. I was hysterically asking him the same thing. He said he got drunk last night and would come around the front and let me in. He only unlocked his gate to his backyard at which time i demanded to know if there was someone else in his house with him. he said no. I ran into his house and his bedroom door was locked. I was screaming at him what is going on, why are you being like this, i tried to grab his face and he said don’t touch me. He began yelling at me “get the **** out my house Christina” over and over again. I was in an indescribable emotional state but I ran back to his bedroom and literally kicked open the door. A girl sitting in his bed. The details are painful but she said she knew about me. I asked if they had slept together (obviously lol) and she refused to answer. More painfully, he said “Maddie dont answer that” Of course i tell her…screamed at her that he had just been with me two nights before and we had dated for two years and all of that. I even noticed she had an overnight bag confirming that it was not a one night drunken mistake and it had actually been going on for some time.
I slapped him and demanded answers which were never given. no apology. All he said was that he would talk to me later about this. At some point he even called the cops on me because I wouldn’t leave. I left before they got there. All he had to say after was a text that read “We need to talk Christina. I did not press charges but the window and door need to be fixed from what you did”
I was clearly in shock. I cried all day and recruited people who really cared about me to comfort me. I was confused, upset ,wanted answers, wanted an apology. I was so hurt, I thought I was the only girl in his life because he told me so. He lied. I was not. He had sex with me while being involved with another girl. I still find it incomprehensible. He was leading somewhat of a double life, and hid it so well. Now I question everything he EVER told me, and everything he ever did for me. Was it to see me happy like he said? or were his actions ultimately for himself. I believe he ultimately did and said whatever it took to keep me around.
It is incomprehensible. Sociopaths do not feel guilt. He saw nothing wrong with what he did those two nights back with me. He used me. he used the best part of me. And I was so totally in love with him and never saw something like THIS coming. I will never get answers, because people like that do not think like we do. It will be extremely difficult to move on from this, but Im completely cutting contact. I wil always have that memory of her in his bed burned into my brain. But i know that sometime soon I will be able to put a blanket on it, and not allow myself to surface that memory. This is still all so very raw. I am lucky to have real friends and family who care for me. I pity him because at the end of the day, he only has himself. I am everything he is not, which maybe the reason why he kept me around- to feed off of my good energy. There is a part of me that wants him to know how badly he hurt me, but I question if he can even fathom that amount of pain and suffering.
I am much wiser now, but this was a brutal life lesson. Always listen to that little voice inside of yourself, telling you that something isnt right, because that is called SELF PRESERVATION. Sometimes you have to see people for what they really are, not what you think they are, not only the parts of them you choose to acknowledge, because those bad aspects and good aspects are the SAME PERSON and they aren’t separable.
It has made it easier realizing that I was dealing with a sociopath. Now i can attribute his unexplainable behavior to something concrete, and I know that his problems have nothing to do with me.
Writing about this has been such a therapeutic experience for me and I think it will help me to heal. This has been very long but I hope people read it through and through, carefully, and hopefully this will help someone to not experience such a traumatizing end to what they thought may have been the relationship of a lifetime.
Thank you for sharing your story. What a horrible, painful, humiliating experience to go through. I can feel your pain in what you write. What you need to do now, to move forward is to establish No Contact. Which means blocking him. Block his email. Block his phone and Block him from all social networking sites. Betrayal is the worst type of pain. You feel stabbed in the heart and the back, at the same time (this is how it felt for me). It sounds like you are still in a sense of shock at what has happened. That is normal too. I want you to know that you can heal and recover from this. Realistically would you want to be with a liar for the rest of your life? Also, as he has cheated on you – he will cheat on her too. It sounds as if you have supportive family and friends around you. Read my posts that are at the top of this page in the drop down boxes. Welcome to the site!!! 🙂
Positivagirl,
Thank you so much for your support and kind words, it means the world to me right now. I will read your posts, hopefully you have some advice about how to heal from this type of ordeal. ps. I have established no contact, and I plan to keep it that way at all costs!
Thank you again
Sincerely,
Chrissy
@ Chrissy
“Sometimes you have to see people for what they really are, not what you think they are, not only the parts of them you choose to acknowledge, because those bad aspects and good aspects are the SAME PERSON and they aren’t separable.”
—————-
Well said. To even be with them a minute past some of the bad things we learn about them (lying is generally among the first discoveries), we have to be talented ourselves at compartmentalizing them. But you are so right—the good aspects and the very bad aspects are of the same person. Worse, the “good” aspects may be feigned and not genuine.
I’m sorry for you that this guy was such a fool…but he’s better suited to the quality level of the chick who would willingly share his bed while knowing about you, and not caring. While I believe we should forgive and have compassion, the benefit of No Contact is that it keeps us safe from further mental, emotional or potential physical repercussions. And honestly, I have not read a single story on this site yet about a guy I wouldn’t file under the category of “Simply NOT Worth It”.
Jusagurl,
I completely agree! though it is difficult to flip your perception of someone in such a short time, it’s crucial to understand that the person you think you know, sometimes turns out to be the exact opposite, and we deserve better! Im so thankful for your kind words, truly.
Best
Chrissy
Chrissy….
I’m very sorry to hear of the pain that you’re going through. While I’m much older than you, your situation is so similar to what I’ve gone through. Let me say that the best thing you can do is have No Contact. He is a liar and a cheater….do you really want that in your life? Even if he came crawling back, it’s all a game….you would live your life looking over your shoulder – and that’s exactly what you shouldn’t be doing. He will not change. What he’s done to you, he’ll do to his next victim.
Stay strong. It takes times to heal. I’ve gone through what you’re going through and have healed. Do the work and you’ll end up much stronger and wiser!
Carolann,
Probably one of the hardest things to accept is that I was not loved the way I thought I was loved. This is the most poignant aspect of this entire calamity. However, the point you made is true, and offers some relief: it was not me, it was him; I most likely was not the first, and I will not be the last.
Thank you so much for taking time to read and respond.
Sincerely
Christina
Hi Chrissy,
My heart goes out to you because this EXACT same thing happened to me with sociopath #1. I was so in love with him and I was about your age at the time as well. But in my case, the girl was actually his best friend’s girlfriend. What a piece of trash! I went over one night to introduce him to my best friend who had just arrived in town and went over to his house and he wouldn’t open the door. I knew he was in there, but I didn’t know with who until later that evening. I wanted to throw up from the stress and heartache that I was feeling. The feeling of betrayal was so very painful and I was furious as well. I saw a brake drum from his car lying on the ground and threw it through his window. He called the police on me and I felt so horrible, like I’d been trampled on like I was nothing. I had to pay for the window and my mother told me to “just get that window fixed and be done with him for good”. What wisdom she had. Did I obey it? No, he was still in my system and I didn’t have enough of him and wasn’t ready to give him up. I took him back and we were together for 26 years total (off and on with me not being strong enough to let go). Over the years, he constantly tore my heart into little pieces, but if I’d only listened to her words and kept the No Contact rule back then (no matter HOW much it hurt) I would have saved myself an immense amount of hurt and pain in the future. You are a very bright young lady and you are obviously too smart to have someone like him in your life. I know you’re going thru shock and disbelief right now, but it will pass, I promise. Please learn from this and stick with No Contact as if your life depended on it. It will save you in the end.
Please, please, please, be smarter than I was.
You deserve much better than what he had to offer (which was nothing).
afosterchild,
I think I’m going to print this out and read it every day. I’m so sorry that you spent such a big chunk of your time on someone who was not worth a fraction of it. I will learn from you, and not break the no contact rule. My mom gave me exact same advice. I really hope you are in a better and healthier place in your life, and that you’ve found happiness with yourself, because I know that is the arduous task that lays in front of us after something like this happens.
Thank you for sharing your story and giving me great advice 🙂 It reinforces the only and best options that I have to ensure a bright and happy future!
Best
Chrissy
@ Chrissy – welcome to our world!!! And I’m sorry that you’ve had to live through this, and I know I am not the only one who will say that most of us have gone through something VERY similar. Actually reading your post is eerily similar to my experience, and it was the most confusing thing I have ever gone through. BUT – you are strong, and you know you have support on this site… Good luck.
Darling
Thank you for your support. I feel SO much better after reading everyone’s responses. I feel that my emotions and actions are validated and that gives me motivation to move past this!
Best
Christina
This is broken. Can someone out there reach out to me. I thought I was making progress, but this weekend all I could do is think about her..the sociopath.
I guess I just can’t cope with being dumped so ruthlessly. All I can think of is her bweing with another, whihc i realize was what was going on all along.
We are here. It’s an addiction, the parts of your brain that hold this woman dear, and like any addiction, it is tough to shake, and there may even be a relapse in there. But when it’s time to heal, you reach out, and your support group answers. My best advice to you, and granted, this is only through my own experiences can I relate it, is every time that you SOC crosses your mind, and you feel that urge to reach out to her, come here and pick an article. I have read your previous posts, and know you are a strong man, fully aware of the right choices to make. I consider myself the same way. I have told my friends, the ones that will listen anyway, that I do know the right choice, and I know the demon I face, but for a very long time I could not make the right choice, and she preyed upon my mind. I came to understand that reaching out to her, was what she wanted of me. Your SOC is no different than anyone else’s here, Broken. She is a liar, she is a control freak, and she lacks the empathy needed to succeed in the real world. I can’t make you stop thinking of her, and I can’t offer any words of wisdom to make her go away from your mind. But I can tell you this with all certainty, if you make that step towards her, you will find yourself hurt in the end. Again. Be strong, do what you know to be right, take a breath. Men, in general, suffer the sin of pride heavier than any other. We really have a difficult time accepting that a girlfriend can choose another over us. With the Female Sociopath, we are even more smitten. This woman told us she loved us, she told us she needed us, she told us we completed her. How can she do the things she does, if what she said were true? The answer is obvious, she cannot tell the truth. My own SOC did something the past few weeks that was directed at me, specifically, and it did bother me, alot. But there was no way in Hell I was going to give her the satisfaction of knowing it bothered me at all. Be strong, just say no. It will pass. It won;t pass right away, and it is going to sting on its way out. But there is life past her. Someone out there will be there and she will answer those questions truthfully.
Thanks so much Scapperk. I really needed to here those things. Its bizarre. I have everything to be thankful for right now. I’m the front man for a local funk/blues band (Music art & fitness are my passions), both of my sons are successful happy youngsters in school & socially, I have healthy friendships, and I have a great job. My friends, particularly my female friends who grew up with this SOC have been talking me out of the relationship ever since it started. They admit that, yes she is beautiful and attractive, but has always been a bit weird and a lot crazy.
Thanks for responding. You’re a good dude.
You know, it continues to amaze me how alike everyone’s SOC is, in their actions, emotions, conversation, and even others around them. Like you, I was warned off by people that knew her for years before I fell, as I fell, and even as I struggled to break free of her. They knew, they tried to tell me, but I was immune. Or so I thought. The other thing you mentioned in another comment was the sex. I asked my SOC once about our lovemaking. She replied to me that she was more like a guy in that regard. When she was done it was over. I always considered that a challenge, and imagined me being the guy that took her places she had never been before. Then I learned about SOC’s and realized that indeed, it really is all about them. We, their partners, are just necessary attachments to the act.
Keep believing that whatever she has told you to break you down, are simply her own attempts to maintain a position of power. Be bigger, smarter and wiser.
Hi Broken,
Rejection and abandonment is so difficult to cope with. And can be so painful. You can torture your own mind by focusing on her, and what is happening in her life and world.
Have you ever quit smoking? I know I use this analogy a lot. It really is like that. You know in the beginning it is tough, but you expect it to be tough…. you are resolved to why you are quitting smoking….
You think that you are doing well, then suddenly 3 weeks down the line, those pangs start again. They can be overwhelming. You are forgetting why you chose to quit.
It is now time to go back to the lists. Can you remember when I said write 3 lists. (if you didn’t or you don’t have access to these lists now is a great time to start)
List one – All the bad things that she did to you
List two – All the reasons WHY you are better off without her –
List three – all the things that you can do without her in your life.
Read the post ‘take off your rose coloured glasses’…. this is your mind playing tricks. You are in charge of your mind and it can play tricks.
Also (if you are not spiritual this can sound a bit far out)… but if she is in your thoughts suddenly, it could be this is because she is thinking of you!! tuning into your energy – (see the post how to cut the chords that bind you)…
I know the betrayal is painful. But please dont think that she is having a great time with someone else. Just think that other person is now her victim – whilst you are FREE!!!!
Believe me, she will do the same to the next victim (and probably worse) than she did to you.
Thanks so much Positivagirl, I will most definitely read those posts. And yes I am spiritual & highly intuitive…and yes I do feel like her predator mind tunes into me from time to time. I’m sure the arrogant, lazy brat is licking her paws saying….”He’ll call…he always does.” But I won’t.
Rose coloured glasses: The thing I keep getting my emotions hung up on is the sex. I’ve already accepted that she has screwed around on me..and the madness passes when I think of it. ITs more like the sexual attraction. But when I think of it, she never a very “giving” or “interesting” sexual partner. Infact, she seemed like she was more in her own ecstasy- trance and not even there when we had sex. But, she oddly prudish when it came to doing things most couples do when they make love. However, when she talked about her “mouse” and other paraphernalia it was like talking to a self-centered nymph. Her true bond when having sex was with her toys, never me. Again, when looking back at the truth, I realize my memories of “good comfortable sex with her” are fraudulent, much like her. I still remember her first and foremost comment to me when we first had sex. She looked at me with these predator eyes and calmly, emotionlessly stated, “I usually scare guys. Do I scare you?”
Positiva, I saw her the other day. I could feel the energy shifting to a wierd void, but held firm that I was talking to someone less than human. She sat blank faced and explained to me that everything I view as a strength in my persona, was a weakness and the reason the relationship ended. The only things she was positive about were my looks and my musical/artistic talent and my kissing.
She calmly explained to me that my jealousy pissed her off. I explained to her that she gave me reasons to be jealous:
-why does my girlfriend have to be the only girl downstairs getting high with guys at a house party….
-why does my girlfriend have to point out that a guy at the party is her ideal of a “dream fuck.”)
-I remember her dissappearing for 3 or 4 days off the radar..no explanation offered. When I confronted her she became enraged.
She said your too insecure to me, but then contradicted herself and stated that my personality is too strong for her. I thought it was interesting to listen to her contradict herself like that. As it turns out, everyone that grew up with her knows she is nuts, and they finally let me in on the secret.
Her parting words were, “I just want to do whatever I want and its never anything wrong, you just think they are cuz you’re jealous of how strong I am.” Her shallow mind searched deeper for more words to put some kind of profound closure on her thesis. She then said, “I just want to answer to anyone…I’m a BOLD GIRL…a NOT SHUTUP GIRL”
I’m not sure how she is measuring her strength. She lives off her mother (so do her kids including her socipathic 23 yr. old son), collects welfare, and holds a minimum wage job and spends all her money on herself doing/buying “fun things” such as weekend flights out of town and cosmetics.
as I got up to leave, I looked at her…all the makeup off, hair desheveled…her demeaner both masculine and feminine at the same time….a total parasite who cares about no one. I finally had a new thought.
I felt sorry for her.
Hi Broken 🙂
Once you see who they really are behind the mask, you do feel sorry for them as they are quite pathetic really.
When you list all of the weird stuff they do etc…you see their disorder & think ‘omg’ how did I ever have a relationship with you, your unbalanced!
Yep, that was my light bulb moment, when the full extent of my Soc’s depravity/evil/controlling/manipulating ways were on full display & I looked at him & thought ‘wow, what a sad empty person you truly are’.
I moved forward & don’t care anymore although I still get annoyed at myself for being so duped for so long but, that’s in the past & we really don’t need to dwell there anymore 🙂
@Pheonix, Thanks for the feedback. One of the epiphanies of observing her the other night was how utterly difficult it is for her to even acknowledge that she has character flaws, let alone the depth of them. I calmly pointed out to her that I’m positive she isn’t phychotic, so she must be aware of the demeaning/callous statements she makes. I also pointed out that people usually don’t repeatedly say and do such unwarranted cruel things unless they are just plain mean and want to wound people.
I also pointed out that I remember the days she did those things toward me and that my memory is clear that I had done nothing to deserve them. She barely acknowledged her actions, let alone take responsibility for them. She just gets this distainful look on her face and disgusted tone in her voice and gives some lame excuse..or more likely puts the blame on me. Its usually not becasue she is in some deep shameful place. It’s usually because she is just too fucking lazy to give a shit.
What a pathetic bitch. Sad thing is, her kids are all the same way
Hello,
Firstly, I would like to thank you very much for creating this site, because it’s amazing and really helpful. Secondly, I am afraid I need your help. My story is a bit different from those people send here because I’ve never really been dating a sociopath but I have fallen in love with one, who I used to consider my best friend. After finding out she was a Sociopath I’ve started studying everything about them, which only confirmed what I had been thinking. And I don’t know what to do now as there is nobody to whom I could talk about it as everyone here sees Sociopaths only as something what really exist only on TV in BBC Sherlock or Dexter series etc.
I met that girl when I was about 15, which means five or six year ago in the art class. We went to some exhibition, which was totally boring, so we started talking to each other and had fun. After that we were meeting at school, just occasionally saying hello to each other, but then, about two years ago, (I don’t remember this part of the story very well as I used to be depressed, broken and empty after what had happened to me – my brother’s death, breaking up with a girlfriend, loosing a good friend, and some other previous losses – actually after reading you page I’ve recently started to think that my first boyfriend was Socio too, but that’s another story – all combined with my introvert and depressive personality, vulnerability, shyness…) she just came to me one day, asking if I could ask one of my classmates to meet her, that he has really interesting face and she would like to draw him. I arranged them a meeting and she seemed to be quite obsessed with him – calling to him, meeting him, talking about him all the time, etc (well, If I had known anything about Socios by that time, I could have found out the truth much earlier…) We were also meeting each other at school, and we used to spend breaks sitting in the hallway, talking, she reading me parts of her novel (I must say, that she’s incredibly good at writing, I love that story of hers), just having fun.
The first time we were together somewhere else than at school was, when we went to the university presentation, also with that classmate of mine and his friend as we all were very interested in that school, and after that we just started meeting regularly and understood each other very well although we are totally different (only the image of us walking down the street side by side is quite funny, as she has long brown hair, decent makeup, wears blouse, skirt, smart coat, leather handbag and I usually in torn up black jeans, leather jacket, rock band t-shirt, red punk haircut)…
But somehow we became good friends. I was happy to have somebody to talk to. She was enjoying my attention (as she’s never had many friends) and also having somebody who liked her novel. Later she told me about her quite morbid interest in dead animals, dissections and chemistry of drugs, but I didn’t mind at all – I liked that stuff too but never had a chance or patience to look deeper, so I’ve learned a lot from her.
About a half a year later we went together to the school trip to Paris, which was our first “big action”. Then in the summer I had to spend a week in hospital, where she was supporting me o lot by texting me a visiting me, so after that we spent a week in my family’s cottage, as I still wasn’t healthy enough to go anywhere else.
We were spending more and more time together but from time to time I found it a bit annoying, as she could be so selfish, self-centred and showing off all the time. We made many crazy plans together (such as going to our friend’s prom dressed up like men so that nobody could recognize us 😀 ). I was so happy to have somebody like her, I told all my friends about us (although I’ve never told them everything because we used to be pretty weird at times) but all of them told me, that they didn’t like her, that she was strange, some of them were even scared from her. And, unfortunately, I did not listen or care, as I’ve always loved weird things and people…
When I finished my high school in June, I’ve started attending another school in the capital city, where she lives and studies too, so since September we’ve been together almost every day. And then, out of the blue, I’ve found myself being in love with her. I couldn’t understand it, as she’s not really beautiful and as I am not gay (the girl I was dating before – we were 16 and crazy and I broke up with her, because I realized I can’t have a relationship like this with a girl, that I am not gay) and it was even weirder as I have known that she was asexual (I do believe this, she’s never been dating anyone). I have never told her that I fell for her but I am afraid she recognized it immediately as it might have been her plan all the time. Then she’s started teaching me about people’s behaviour and body language. She knew everything about it and I have always wanted to learn. At first I was very grateful for that, but only until I realized that when she knows all that stuff, she must have been watching, observing and studying me all the time, which scared me.
Few weeks later she just openly TOLD ME SHE WAS A SOCIOPATH (I still don’t understand why would anyone like her do that – my last idea is that she did so to impress me and make me learn about Socios – which I did – to find out how powerful she is, to scare me – which also works – but still knowing I am too weak to leave her – which is, I am afraid, the truth too).
Well, I must admit, that in the beginning I really was impressed and wanted to be like her – be able to read people like an open book, be able to get what I want, gain that immense self-confidence etc. I started studying books about body language and such a stuff so that I could, on the one hand, read people too and on the other hand avoid showing her too much of how I feel or what I think.
Then, two weeks ago we went with our art class for a weekend trip, she and I having loads of crazy plans to do there but I just couldn’t be where she was. As I was the only one there who knew the truth about her, I could see how she was showing off all the time to get an attention of other people and to impress them, then manipulate and play with them. I was so angry (and a bit jealous too…) so I spent most of the time hanging around in the forest on my own or sitting by a fireplace and drawing whilst telling her that I was worrying about my dad, who was in hospital because he had almost cut off three of his fingers on a circular saw two days before we left.
When I came home I’ve started to study various websites about Socios in general and about dealing with them and I came across this website. I read a lot of articles here and found out that although I thought I could be a friend of sociopath (the feeling of love slowly faded away after that weekend) or I could try to fight against her (I know, even bigger nonsense) it is actually really dangerous for me. I’ve been hurt so many times in my life so that I know what is it like and I don’t want to undergo it again. I have never been really abused by her, she didn’t steal anything from me or used my as a sponsor (just a little from time to time), she didn’t really get me away from my friends but I know she can destroy me mentally. She wasn’t talking to me last week, as she had to do something for her school (but did she really need to study…?) so I had time to think about it all. And I am feeling profoundly miserable now. When she told me she was a Socio, she also told me that I am the only person who had stayed by her side for so long so that I am kind of special for her (which I believe is truth, although I’ve read here that this is exactly what they say). And I don’t know what to do now. We met yesterday in the art class for few hours and had fun again with an old violin and it was just great. It was the first time we met after a week and I had been so scared before went there. I don’t know if she recognized it and I don’t know what are her intentions with me now.
As I wrote in the beginning, I can’t talk about it to my friends or family so I am writing it here. I know what will your advice be, but I might need to hear it directly. I might need somebody to tell me “GET AWAY FROM HER RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!“ because I am not sure if I want to leave her. She can behave well when she’s with me and she’s never really done anything bad to me, but after reading this page I know it’s not a good idea to be a friend with the Socio. But she’s all I have. I’ve learned so much from her and I am afraid of the loneliness and even more of what she will do if I leave her. I know it will set me free but I am scared from the emptiness that will come with it. I know the truth about her so I might be able to avoid being manipulated to the situations where I don’t want to be (well…can I?) I just don’t know what to do now.
Today, I only have three days to finish and get together artworks I am sending to entering exams to university I want to study, but instead of that I am lying in my bad, crying, chain-smoking and writing this, because I am really desperate. Please… help me.
I think that they can have people that are special to them. I stayed friends with my ex for a long long time. However doesn’t mean they won’t threaten, exploit and stitch you up. They will. I cannot tell you to get away from her. This is your choice. As long as you know that there likely will be a time that she will do something bad to you. How bad really depends. So say if you got a girlfriend and she was jealous. She could destroy that for you. Sociopaths don’t like anyone else touching their property. She likely does see you as someone that she owns that she can manipulate and control. The fact that you say you fear emptimess without her shows how much control she has over you. Do you know she only mirrors you. Borrows a part of your own personality and reflects it back to you.
Positvagirl, this mirroring fascinates me, and explains many of my ex-soc’s mannerisms and actions in our relationship. IN the early part she used to literally look at my eyes and face in an almost ecstacy state. She would be following ….tracking my eyes and facial expressions as I talked. I found it endearing and cute and told her so. I didn’t understand it when she became hostile. I wrote it off as self-consciousness. I told to not be self-conscious around me, but she oddly resented it. I cried when a military friend I served with committed suicide as she sat there transfixed on my eyes and face as I balled my eyes out. She didn’t comfort me at all..just sat there tranfixed. She then announced she didn’t know what to say and not to dwell on it. Christ it had just happened. On etime she cried and I tried to comfort her. She said to leave her alone & not to get all emotional. I was confused. I said I was just tryign to comfort her. SHe coldly stated that “it felt good when the tears came out.”
She started bringing over art she had made in art class (she is a teachers aide). She liked my art & I know now she was mimicking me as an artist. Some of her work was hauntingly cute & touching. Some of it was childish.
Yes the mirroring is quite incredible when you look back.
Yes, I can see it now, that she’s mirroring me but not all the time. I think that as she is only 20 ,like me, she’s not good enough at it yet, that she’s not able to wear the mask all the time (it is possible for the Socio..?).
Today I feel much better as I could let it all out in wtiting- thank you again for creating this website!!!!, but I don’t know what will come next, because it can never be the same. I can’t stand her but I can’t be without her,either. She’s the only interesting person in my life, although she’s not real. Why the hell everyone I meet in my life must be a kind of bastard?!
yksinkuu….SHe is not all you have. You have your art & very real dream of studying art at the university level. I agree with Pos. Sh ewill most definately exploit you down the road now that she sees you as vulnerable. Don’t let her do it. Get out of bed and get your work done even if you have to do it robotically.
hi all,thank god ive found this today,reading through has helped me eat for the first time in a week.my story: met my s after 16 yr marriage ended,he totally charmed me at my lowest and i fell deeply in love.2 months in he tried to end stating my earnings werent enough to help him fullfill his aspirations,i begged and was hooked by this time and was granted a stay.the following 2 years saw him manipulate all my friends out of my life,he has none,was left out when i did anything without him.i craved his approval and love and was rewarded when i conformed to total adulation.im ashamed to say he was put before my own children,family and friends.i left everyone to go to him for company,cook meals,sex was incredible.then a friend found his profile on dating sites,huge row,to which he said they were old and i was paranoid so i was beaten down and forgave.after 3 years he bought an old renovation house so lived with me for a year whilst we worked on it,when he moved in and mine was sold i was never asked there,since moved twice and still no offer,just me toing and froing to care for him.after 4 years i pushed for commitment,he backed off saying hed been too hurt by divorce,havnt we all,but i assured him id be there forever and he reluctantly agreed to get engaged xmas day,i was overjoyed.boxing day he called it off stating id cornered him and he had rocks in his tummy,i was devastated and humiliated and left.after days couldnt cope without my lifeline and went back again to find hed written a dating profile for his next victim.i too forgave that as it was my fault for pushing him….the ring at purchase time went in my name as he couldnt get credit as lost his job but assured to pay me each month.i moved in 3 months ago finally allowed,my daughter refused to come after the engagement scenario and so i began 5 weeks of torment between my duty as mother and dependence on him.my mum was at that time too diagnosed with cancer which totally broke me down.he pulled right away and i moved out so my daughter would come back.this was obviously defiance in his eyes and i was punished by horrid behaviour and indifference to my crying and fear of loosing mum.i have now been in my house 2 weeks and he cut all contact except for 3 character assassination texts and has ignored my pleas for support over mum.hes vanished from my life and has put himself on a dating site again,which made me sick blaming me for everything.this man has consumed my every waking thought,taken my life,i dont no who i am anymore,am lost in pain and terror,eventually seeking medical support to cope.i couldnt make sense of all the love and promises that were so obviously lies but i just cant accept after 5 years i can be disposed of without a backwards glance.its destroyed me.i cant sleep,eat or function without him being in my head i feel like im dying.i wish i could feel anger but it wont come….i havnt made contact though which im proud of more out of fear of more punishment and rejection…he hasnt attempted to contact me now atall so there doesnt seem to be the trying a way back scenario,probably grooming the next victim with a better bank balance.he has cancelled the payments to me also so im left with debt i cant afford but will not ask again,have once and its been ignored.just want this pain to go away its intolerable and just cant accept i wasnt loved atall,just a means to an end….atleast reading here is giving me a little comfort and strength that i now have to realise who he really is its not my fault and i have fallen in love with a monster.will never trust my own judgement again..
I’m very sorry to hear how you’re feeling. The sadness, pain and heartbreak are horrific, to say the least. The best thing you can do now is remain No Contact and work on yourself and why you’d even want this person in your life. You deserve so much better.
He won’t change. What he’s done to you, he’ll do to his next victim. The cycle will continue.
It takes time to heal. You need to read, study, journal, cry, talk and work through this. No Contact is the best way to go…trust me on this.
I wanted to share with you here one recent example of sociopathic mirroring. One of my colleagues which I lately recognized as sociopath told me many times before (now we are not so close) how during college and university studying she never had time to go out, have fun because it was such a serious and demanding study so all her time was spent on studying… She said that because she was mirroring me – I know that now because since I became “sociopath aware” I wanted to check up on her.. so just lately I secretly listened to her conversation to one of her college friends and she was telling that woman how those college days were the only really good days, how they were having party, fun etc, she was mentioning some names, crazy things they were doing…. Its amazing how they can mimic totally opposite personalities… of course they compartmentalize their social activities so that you don’t know about it… what sick persons.
I’ve been dating this guy for 6 months. When i met him i knew he was a “snake charmer” and could be very manipulative but i thought it was light hearted. It took him a while to warm up and get close to me because he told me he had an older lady take advantage of him as a young teen and it lasted for several years. But after a while we started sleeping together and he’d want to cuddle with me. He asks me to do favors for him constantly. He always says he’d be happy to return favors but i’m not quick to ask for help. He generally seems like kind of a cold person. About 3 months ago i started getting paranoid that he was texting other girls so i checked his phone and he indeed was sending sexual texts to multiple people. I should have broken up with him then ( i almost did) but he promised me nothing was going on and he would never do it again. I believed him about not having sex with other people because he constantly wants to be around me. He wouldn’t have the time.I forgave him but i have been very paranoid about it. Recently, he lied to me. I knew it was a lie but he tried so hard to make me believe him. Almost to the point where i was doubting myself. I finally got him to admit that he lied but i knew something was wrong with him. that night i checked his phone again and sure enough he was still sending texts. i confronted him about it and he said that he doesn’t have any intention on persuing these girls but he likes the self esteem boost.I’m not a moron. I know that is complete BS but somehow i ended up forgiving him because i’m in love with him. ( on a side-note i told him i loved him and he didn’t say it back because he doesn’t want to rush into anything) Last night my sister says casually to me ” he’s totally a sociopath, you can just tell” i started looking up stuff on it, and i ended up finding this. I’m about 90% sure he is. I don’t want to be delusional but i don’t know what to do. My heart hurts so bad because i can’t imagine my life without him. What should i do? I don’t want to be strung along while he uses me. If he’s using me? With all the information, is he a sociopath? And if so, what should i do?
@Ashley
Unfortunately, your experience is textbook. You’d be surprised how much a sociopath can fit into a 24-hr period. They don’t sleep a lot, whether due to boredom or lack of desire to be alone with themselves. But, I’d be willing to bet he leaves you to go “visit” the others.
As far as the “favors”, these are manipulation checkpoints to keep you under his control. If you stopped doing what he asked, you’d find him very annoyed and, perhaps, absent. Sociopaths loved to be loved. And, since you’re not asking for anything back that is costing him much, he’d love that.
If they are texting a lot and their phone is blowing up in your presence? There are others—probably many others—on standby, and in different stages of relationship involvement with them.
The withholding of anything (including the “I love you”) is a manipulation in itself. He know he “has” you at that point, and from there, with a sociopath, they have all the advantage. As yourself why you are slow to ask him to help or do things for you. They are talented at making victims feel like they are doing them a favor just by gracing us with their presence.
I really feel for you, I know what it’s like, but I agree with Jusagurl. As soon as you ask this guy for anything that he doesn’t want to give (i.e. to be accountable and honest, and to be “present” with you) he’ll leave. (by pursuing other women, he sort of already has. the writing is on the wall)He’s a liar and you know it. SO, do it – ditch him. You don’t need this jackass in your life.
AND – the constant texting is a definite sign, trust me. I used to get really annoyed, but I would never check his phone. Knowing what I know now, I would have gotten into his phone. It would have saved me months of being used by the douchebag. (maybe it’s not nice, but it’s true). I thought my guy wouldn’t have the time to see anyone else, but GUESS WHAT??? He not only had the time, he had the time to woo another woman enough to get engaged and married within 13 weeks of breaking up with me. Soooo, don’t buy the guilt trips – it’s just pure manipulation to deflect attention away from his wrongdoing.
And while I understand that you love him and told him so, he’s using that against you.
@Darling
Well said too! They are pathological cheaters, they can’t be with anyone really, that’s why they “are” with tonnes of them. Now when I remember my ex spath the only thing that I feel is disgust, phew …I remember what a pervert porn addict he secretly is and a pathological liar. Phew! I guess that fake picture of him with which he brain washed me has finally evaporated … no contact is the only way !
Don’t worry about the label, but please do something about this “relationship”. He is using you, he doesn’t reciprocate the love you are giving to him, he is being disrecpectful with you. You are looking for a way that he validates you, the only one who can validate you is yourself getting far far away from this abusive person.
@ Positiva Girl, I just read about the “Clare Law” that your country approved. This is a law that allows the new partners of a domestic violence accused to have access to their files. I don’t know how useful the law will be to those who decide to look for the other part of the story, but maybe at least they will be aware. My ex have a big criminal file, he told me part of it, some to justify his actions, others to show me how much he has changed, on another ones he didn’t say anything. When I was trying to made sense of this crazyness I made a search on the internet, paid the fee and saw on amazement more than 60 criminal charges, from bad checks, disorderly conduct, driving under the influence, exposing himself on a public place, domestic violence, and child abuse (he beats one of his sons), two bankruptcy, he has moved more than 18 times on 20 years, he had 3 divorces (he told me of just one). I was not able to saw what those files said, but to me they said a lot. Sadly I decided to stay (always with the wishful thinking that with me everything will be different, that maybe some of his explanations are truth, that maybe he is hiding some of his past because he was ashamed). I wanted so much to be the difference, that I was unable to see how wrong I was.
To all of you who are still struggling to accept the reality of their Pinnochio, to all of you that are still struggling to make sense of your loved one crazyness, to all of you who are still struggling to make the decision of no contact, PLEASE…TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. THESE KIND OF PEOPLE EXIST, THEY ARE REAL THEY ARE CRUEL, BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO BE PART OF THEIR WORLD. EMBRACE YOURSELF TO A BETTER Tomorrow far far away from these kind of people.
I had a fantastic holiday & all is good. My daughter had a car accident last week but, is ok now (really lucky) her angels were out in full force 🙂
You are so right to want everyone here to take heed & remove themselves from the Sociopath games.
No more smoke & mirrors for us ever, just real people with real hearts & not pretend Sociopaths with no heart 😉
Take care & be strong as usual, you have come a long long way with us here & we value your input 🙂
I have been reading for hours now. I will try to make it short:
1. Two years with a much older married man who promised me everything (including, of course, divorce, in due time; his wife mistreated him badly, in his words). One month after the beginning he was not only calling me “the love of his life”, but also suggested the possibility of having a child of our own.
2. Her wife discovered the affair. He left me ten days after, without not even giving me the chance of a face to face encounter. His wife, he said now, was the true love of her life.
3. Two years have passed now. I still feel depresed and unable to even the slightest hope.
4. He doesn´t answer my messages or emails anymore. I am pretty sure he has completely forgotten me.
5. And worst of all, I behaved miserably: harassed him, checked his emails, called his wife, even his childres, to let them know who their spouse/father was.
I feel doubly humiliated: because I was cheated and abandoned, and because my reaction was morally unacceptable. I couldn’t but ask myself, while reading your posts, if I too was a sociopath. Please, people out there, help.
Hi , no your reactions are not one of a sociopath for a start they font feel humiliation. They dont care or experience this feeling!!! You habe to stop emailing dont look at his things. Establish no contact. Keep to this. This should start to help you. Know that what has happened is not your fault.
Two years is a long time to carry this around with you. While your self-view is understandable and it is good that you have these standards for yourself, I think you have to forgive yourself. These type relationships are not normal in any way. They push against every boundary we have for ourselves. Because you didn’t respond, in this once instance, in coordination with your standards doesn’t mean you are a failure or should be punished for the remainder of your life.
So you harassed him, called his wife and family. He had no qualms about ruining you. He completely disrespected you or your feelings in any way. The just side of you was wounded by this and wanted justice, which, by the way, is another part of your strong sense of morality.
Your reaction to what he did does not make you like him, not even close. While you’re at it, forgive yourself for believing and trusting him. I have a feeling you must be pretty angry with yourself to hang onto this for so long. You didn’t deserve this and it doesn’t “make” you into anything—you are still you. I know it’s easy to think that you’ve seen the worst side of yourself and not liked that, but you obviously have some very positive qualities that outweigh this one out-of-character reaction.
Please cut yourself a break. I applaud you for holding yourself to a high standard; it would be a better world if more people did so. But at this point, you are continuing his pattern of abuse… against yourself, and it is not necessary and you don’t deserve it. Wishing you well, in every sense.
Why so long? After two years I still miss him, though I still wish him the worst. Why? I think the answer has to do with the “mirror hypothesis”. But the “mirror hypothesis” is a tricky one. Why should one see the best of her/himself only through the eyes of a socio? Why doesn`t other people`s eyes feel so reassuring as the socio’s?
What has happened to me? Why on earth do I still feel this pain after two years? Why do I feel so miserable because I know he thinks I’m miserable?
I didn’t specify in my previous post that when I first knew him I was married to a wonderful man. I divorced him for the socio. I feel guilty for that, guilty for the children we had in common, guilty for falling so madly in love for the socio, and guilty for my reaction to his breakup.
You ask why do other people’s eyes not feel as reassuring as the socios? This is for many reasons. 1. Normal people aren’t faking it. 2. Normal people are not manipulating you 3. Normal people are not focusing on making you the centre of their world (their prime target in other words) you feel so miserable two years later because you are still holding onto him and won’t let go. I think your final paragraph is where true pain lies.
In your mind you would prefer to believe that the illusion was real, than to come to terms with the truth that you left your husband and the pain that caused to both your husband and your children.
To move forward you need to forgive yourself. If you are still struggling with this 2 years later, professional therapy really could help you.
It isn’t about the sociopath, it is about learning to forgive you.
That`s probably true, Positiva. I have to come to terms with the fact that I left a true relationship (with all its deficiencies, but still true) for nothing. And, specially, I have to understand with I was so deluded. Why did I need so badly his gaze. It is as if he and only he could “see” me, or within me. That`s how I felt then. And, I am so sorry to recognize, how I still feel now. If I could only see he didn`t see me at all (I do theoretically,emphasis added) , or if I could see his “seeing” me then (and not “seeing” me now), does not add or substract to my self, I might heal. But, helas, I am paralized, unable to trust my reasonning nor my intuition. I am sort of kidnapped by his mind.
Do you, do someone understand this, or am I plainly crazy?
No you are not crazy. The sociopath saw an opportunity (they are opportunists). He likely saw all of the deficiencies in your relationship (maybe you told him) to lure you. This is perhaps why it seemed so ‘pperfect’ an illusion that you struggle to move on from.
I do think, from what you say that this is more about you. Pain within you. Feeling foolish, feeling that you let people down and hurt them (for what?).
You really can fix and heal this. But I would strongly recommend you seeing a professional counsellor or therapist to work through how you are feeling. Use this as an opportunity for wisdom. Nobody is perfect we all make mistakes. I really do think key with you is self forgiveness. And dealing with betrayal. Also possibly some self haunting that you perhaps deserved this (maybe the socio said this to you?). A therapist will help you with those thoughts and help you to find peace within you and peace of mind.
It`s past midnight here in Europe and I am so tired. I`ll come back tomorrow when try to answer with a clearer mind. But let me tell you and Jusagurl: thank you. Thank you.
No thank you. Every person that shares their story will help someone else, who will see their own story and the similarity. Thank you for being part of the site 🙂
@Rut
Two years is a lot of blame and guilt. Do you think you’ve suffered enough for your sins? Sometimes, I think we are much harder on ourselves than God ever intended. You were deceived; the timing was apparently right for your vulnerability. I agree with Positiva, about the therapy and the self-forgiveness.
It’s interesting that the questions that you pose are about his “seeing” you. I think that is really the crux of the issue. Why is anyone else needed to validate you so much that you were willing to risk everything? I’d start with your early years and, from that frame of reference, ask yourself the tough questions you mention. You can trust you. It sounds like you didn’t think your own opinion mattered when this happened though as you were looking outside yourself?
A smart woman (which you probably are) would also question her own role in the marriage deficiencies. And, since you seem pretty hard on yourself, it makes sense why you have been stuck for so long. This is not irrecoverable. You did not commit the unpardonable sin, although I know it must feel that way.
Do as Positiva suggests and see if you can’t get some help working it all through, because you’re really kidnapped by your own mind, but you can come out of this.
Great comment Jusa 🙂
I sent you an email so, talk soon & I hope your doing well 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Rut,
You are not crazy, that’s what the effect of being with a Sociopath has on you, you doubt everything including yourself 😦
I was duped for 10 years by my maniac Soc & it’s been a hell of an eye opener as I never ever knew such a creature existed. I knew there were some very cruel people around & have seen a lot but, I never realised what a sociopath was until now or how they operated among us 😦
Still we all know better now, thanks to Pos’s amazing site & the way she writes so fluently & eerily accurate. I used to read a post & think, OMG how did she do that, how does she now so much about my life with my Soc.
Once I realised they are literally like an epidemic the world over, I was flabbergasted yet, relieved, I wasn’t alone.
So never give up & remember who you are. Your real & worthy & do not deserve such mistreatment ever.
Soc’s don’t care so, you must find your way out, to care for the one person you can trust, yourself 🙂 🙂 You can do this 🙂
I’d like to share that much like you, I left a good man for a soc who was also married and had been a “friend” of mine for about eight years. He left his wife about a year after I left my husband. We did end up together, at least most of the time. There were a number of red flags very early on, but I completely ignored them as I thought I was so in love with this man….surely he must be better than his lies. Well, about four years later I found out he was the sociopath he is…..so many lies, so much deceit and manipulation. I found out about a year after we were apart that he had been seeing someone for months while we were still living together. I was truly broken, yet found it hard to get him out of my mind. It took what seemed like a long time, but I no longer care or have any feelings for him whatsoever.
I, too, felt very guilty for a long time as to the hurt I caused my ex-husband. But having done much soul searching and healing, I have forgiven myself. I apologized to my ex-husband a number of times, but realize now that if he chooses not to forgive me, there is nothing more I can do. I’ve always considered myself a really good person….but I allowed myself to get sucked into the sociopathic relationship…..not having any clue what I was in for. While I’ve made my mistakes, I’ve also become much stronger and wiser as a result.
Since suffering the horrific ending of my relationship with the sociopath, I’ve spent time learning about me. I searched long and hard for the inner peace I now feel. I am very happy being alone. If, however, I get into another serious relationship, I know what to look for. I’ve learned a lot, and continue to learn as I move forward.
Let me say that you can heal from this. It takes different amounts of time for all of us. But if you really think about it, would you want this kind of man back into your life? Realize that you deserve so much better.
My problems do not derive ONLY from the fact I destroyed a family. I also acted as a true socio would have acted, trying to ruin the other`s (his, in this case) life. I hated him, I felt justice had to be restored, and in that theoretically just goal I betrayed myself and acted myself as a true socio. He destroyed me not only nor foremost because he bretayed my love, but because he made me act like a person I can`t recognize. He won. I`m not the person I was and I still love him. Stalemate.
Hi Rut,
Your not a Sociopath but, you have been controlled & manipulated by one so, you have acted out of character. You now have to fight your way back to YOU before he came into your life.
You can do this but, it’s damn hard 😦
Just get plenty of rest & try to not over think everything & get some outside help if you need it?
At last, you are free! I think that thid is the most important part of reagaining ourselves and our sanity, when we only can saw them with pity.
The best for you on all your way
I didn’t really know where to put this… it is more the end of my story…
Today, I got confirmation he is, in fact, the sociopath I thought he was, and he has been doing the things he’s denied. He texted me saying he apologized that his ex-wife posted my picture on her Facebook, with the “Hi stalker” comment, that that is why he doesn’t let her near his phone. With this b.s., I had just had it. Because of her voicemail to me that I didn’t answer, I had her number and forwarded her his text.
She texted back, accusing me of saying horrible things (things she wouldn’t know if he hadn’t shared), then through the course of conversation, we determined he had lied about her as well as to her, and to me about our respective “interactions”.
At first, she wanted me to believe I had been misled about her and him, that she didn’t know about me, if I’d looked at her pictures more, I’d know she had moved on, that she was a business professional, blah blah blah. But I questioned her and she admitted to having sex with him while he was seeing me, and really knowing he was lying. She said he still denies me. I told her he denies her as well! At that point, her true self came out and she basically said, if they wanted to have sex, it was up to them and, with sex as good as theirs, well, it is what it is.
I had to laugh at this. She took exception to me thinking badly of her, but she knew about his wife where I didn’t, AND, she knew about me, and didn’t care! I told her she couldn’t be both self-righteous and sinful, to choose! They have a child together and she’s known him 19 years. She says the difference is, she doesn’t care if he denies her, that she’s had her share of days fighting over him and doesn’t choose to anymore. Just no morals to speak of.
I told her we wouldn’t be speaking again, and I didn’t expect to see my picture on her page again, and that if she caused me any kind of trouble (she threatened restraining order after all their $h*t), I’d let the court know about him getting my car impounded for a drug run (he’s on probation), and that SHE is the contact he has that calls everyone when he gets in trouble.
I haven’t processed all this yet. And, to be perfectly honest, this is the kind of thing I shelve and just don’t deal with. But, I have a whole bookcase now of these that are popping up in therapy. It sooooooo sucks. I’m afraid to let all the reality thoughts come. Although I’ve entertained suspicions before, I’d just hoped he was more authentic than I believed. He (and she) are exactly what I suspected (with the exception of her self-delusion—I figured she knew she was selling her soul for a sex toy, but she appears to think there is nothing wrong with a little sex with her ex, although I’m sure she’ll have to rethink it now that I slapped her in the face with it).
I also know I will definitely never speak to him again now. I understand this is why some other things have been happening in my life this past week. God knows me well, and that I wouldn’t be able to deal with this without some open windows. Still sucks though.
Ah Jusa,
That must have been a hard experience for you. I hope this gives some closure for you. You are an extremely intelligent and articulate woman and I have admired your insights for many months now. With this latest eyeopener, perhaps you can really look at those “shelves” and gain an even deeper self awareness and happiness? I’m sending you strength and positive thoughts. xx
It does suck especially when you become entangled with the OW via triangulation.
My Soc did this, pitting two against each other & I think you’ll find they usually don’t do their own dirty work but, rather send others to dispose of you 😦
He is spineless & callous to involve you in his seedy world etc…but, alas this is the game & life they live for 😦
It took me ages to realize that this is what they do, & I remember clearly now how the OW in my story was made to seek me out so, the drama would ensue & he would make her feel as if she was the winner??? She still had him & chose to stay?
Full well knowing he had committed infidelity throughout their entire relationship & lies, control etc…infidelity was not a deal breaker for her, rather she wanted to keep him to have a man rather than be alone I guess (her insecurity was evident upon our meeting) & then in her emails where she admitted being ‘weak’.
I just think we are better off without them & their drama (boy what drama) they can keep the Sociopath if that is their desire, it’s not mine & I would never want to knowingly engage with one.
You are an incredible lady so, you will be okay 🙂
It takes awhile for the ‘penny to drop’ but, it does inevitably 😦
These Soc’s aren’t happy unless they are creating havoc & unhappiness, really vile creatures they are 😦
Thank you, PR. He tried to blame her for getting his phone and reacting to my picture. And, you are right. She is obviously willing to accept this level of treatment and has been doing so for 19 years (! – after having “moved on”. mm hm, sure.) She believes she is deciding and in control and seems to not be making the connection that he told her negative comments I’d said ON PURPOSE with the intent of hurting her—the mother of his child.
I do know what it’s like to skip over those “incidental facts” because of the hype he dishes while you’re in his presence. Apparently, she is willing to accept this behavior for mere sex. To be bought at such a low price is something I don’t relate to. Like you, for me this is unacceptable just to have a man’s company. But then, I don’t have a child with him and don’t feel stuck with him. Maybe she thinks, since she has to be around him anyway, might as well be something in it for her? They don’t live together and she’s in a different state so, like a temporary houseguest, I guess he looks much better from a distance and when you can send him back home.
I did follow up his last text letting him know we would not be seeing each other again, that if he is to see me out, he is to pretend we don’t know each other and not interrupt my life further—that any other reaction would constitute attaching a restraining order to him. I never want anything more to do with this mess and am glad it’s finally over. It has been so exhausting.
Work is really tough right now and I haven’t been able to motivate to work out. Worse, my Xanax prescription ran out and having trouble refilling so, difficult sleeping. I recognize I’m in some stupid mourning state. I realized today I’m not ready to relate to anyone right now (I know, duh) and I was trying to do so to not be left alone with my feelings (yes, I’m taking those items down off the shelf – sigh). Looks like a long several months ahead for me (probably). The soc sure was a painful wakeup call though just to accomplish this.
I know exactly how hard it is & like you, I still struggle with the magnitude of all of this knowledge & awareness, even though it’s a huge relief, it’s also a huge burden (does that make sense?)
I think the ultimate in the Soc game is to keep a person who is willing to give up all of their moral coding just to keep them.
The power that they would get from knowing that they could pretty much do anything & this person will forgive them etc…makes me ill.
The OW’s in both our saga’s know what the Soc is like & choose to stay so, the Soc has the upper hand always 😦
The OW in my story said, “I will stay in the control seat of my life!” Ya Think!!
We are finally free Jusa, you just took a different route to me but, ultimately we are free 🙂 🙂
We now have to keep working on our own health & extricating the Soc aura from ours, hard & painful though it is 😦
Just take time out for you & do something for yourself each day, a little goes a long way so, baby steps are fine 🙂
I am here & elsewhere for you so, chin up girlfriend….it’s about us, not them 🙂
PR xoxo
May I offer a few resourses that have helped me tremendously during my darkest hours recovering from soc…..Guided Imagery CD to Help With Heartbreak, Abandonment and Betrayal, by Belleruth Naparstek, also her CDs Trauma and Depression have been lifesavers for me.
Books I devoured and helped so much……The Undefeated Mind-On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self by Alex Lickerman, MD. He has a great website called Happinessinthisworld.com
More books, The Seducer by Claudia Moscovici also her book, Dangerous Liaisons
Psychopath Free by PEACE
Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown
Puzzling People-the labyrinth of the psychopath by Thomas Sheridan and Defeated Demons -freedom from consciousness parasites in psychopathic society also by Thomas Sheridan
I hope this helps
Dating a Sociopath 
For him this is a battle for power and control that doesn’t have anything to do with your child. Don’t play his game.
If you are on the USA of one of their posessions, mental illness, or personality disorder as sociophaty doesn’t matter to tge court as long it doesn’t put the child on risk. So don’t lose your energy on trying to prove what he is. You already have enough proof about his irresponsibility (with the DUI and the other things) to ask to the court for the little things that will keep him at a safe distance or with the court watching him For example, with supervised visits.
My experience says he will get bored and will stop making any fuss about the child
I know it’s not easy, so please, stay focus and calm
There’s a really good book, “Why he does that?” If you have the opportunity, read it. As I mention before, not all the abusers are sociopaths, but all the sociopaths are abusers. Knowledge is power, so keep learning.
I’m starting to show signs of life. I made the audition and had my first rehearsal as the vocalist of fusion band. Music is a positive outlet for me. I literally was so numb I wasn’t sure I would be able to get into the music. But at rehearsal I was. I even had fun spending time with a woman the other night.
It still hits me hard at night sometimes. But it is not killing me like before. I’m learning how to control the unbelievable anxiety attacks I was having over that defective woman I dated. I haven’t seen her in person however. We both live in the same small community and are bound to see eachother out. I do fear her showing up and messing with my head when I’m performing. She gets off on taking men down.
Hi Near Miss 🙂
Gee your lucky to pick up on him so quickly 🙂 good for you (yay)
My Soc was always travelling etc…& sent emails re the weather in UK when he was with the OW in the USA! LOL, we live in Australia so, they get around even if it’s only in their heads!
I wouldn’t be home on the 7th, go out or stay elsewhere. That shows him you aren’t sitting waiting & have a life.
I got stuck with my delusion for 10 years so, lucky escapes are rare so, be strong & stay No Contact as that really does irk them & finalize it for you 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Thanks, PR! I actually emailed him last week, after he suggested coming down and then got annoyed about something and started to create yet another argument, and told him that I KNEW he was a sociopath, that I KNEW he had drugged me twice, that I had unofficially reported it to the polce so that he was on record (which I did) and suggested he “doesn’t darken my door” on the 7th (which is tomorrow). I also told him that I have kept EVERY shred of evidence, that it is not kept at my house but in a friend’s safe 16 miles away (true), and that my friends know all about him (which they do). I’m lucky in that he has never met any of my friends so has not had the opportunity to influence them. He went BALLISTIC by text at the mention of the police – text after text after text. I kept up the NO CONTACT and eventually he stopped. He instantly removed the link from me to him on the LinkedIn website and, interestingly (and I’d love to know why), removed his photograph. He likes his LinkedIn profile – it makes him sound and look very professional. Over the weekend I was still SOOO wrapped up in it all, though, that I started to think I was going to need a bit of professional counselling to get him out of my head. But the No Contact is working and, as long as he doesn’t appear tomorrow, I think he could be gone. I think the threat of police might JUST have broken the link. Would be interested so hear whether others agree.
Hi NearMiss
PhoenixRising is so right. You are very fortunate that you found him out early. Had you stayed, you would have ended up devastated. Be very grateful that you saw the signs. Now you have to be strong and really institute the NO CONTACT with him. Block everything associated with him and fight the urge to respond, no matter how tempted you may be. P-paths and S-paths are very manipulating, and people like us can be easily taken in once again. You will get through this and we are all here to help you.
Stay strong
He didn’t turn up on 7th and I haven’t heard from him since 1st November (when he lost it after I mentioned the police). But went onto LinkedIn tonight and found … oh yes, he’s looked at my profile in the last 48 hours. On Tuesday 12th it is EXACTLY 3 months since I first heard from him. I cannot BELIEVE how almost hypnotised I became by him in such a short time – within the first two weeks, if I am honest. As I have said in my first blog on here, I’m lucky in that he is far enough away from me (over 200 miles) not to be able to just appear at whim. Since the last contact on 1st November I am gradually stopping thinking about him/the whole situation 95% of the time … and that’s only after 3 months. God help all you out there who have been entrapped by one of these people for years. I’m a pretty strong person but he broke through all my barriers in nano-seconds.xx
Thanks, afosterchild. I think if I can get past tomorrow night without him knocking on my door I will be well on the way. I have to say, when I HAVE been tempted to contact him, repeating NO CONTACT! mentally to myself does work! And I wouldn’t have done that without this site.
xx
Find something else to do, Something else to focus on. Visualise him as…. a cigarette…. the smoke coming out of him….is CANCER….
Now every time you get the urge to contact him, visualise the cancer cigarette…. this should help you!! 🙂
I like that visualization, positivagirl and I’m going to remember that one. They are just as damaging as cancer can be, because they can affect us the very same way: physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and psychologically as well. I always visualize them as snakes, full of venom (poison) that’s deadly to my well-being. At least with the last one from the church, I managed to jump out of the way in time before he struck because he was coiled and ready to strike me had I not left when I did. Although I’m no longer there, I get really strong vibes from him – I know that sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Maybe it’s just my imagination.
You know, somehow I always thought of him as being so good inside and that even though he wanted to hurt me, I’d be safe once he got married because he’d be committed to his wife and I’d be in the “discarded” arena of the cycle anyway. My sister disagrees because she says he’s liked me for well over a year and will not give up that easy, married or not. Somehow I’m trying to believe that he could care less about me after he’s married, but now I’m wondering if she’s right.
No it doesn’t sound crazy at all. They can tap into your energy field. Read this post https://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/05/how-to-get-rid-of-the-sociopath-in-your-energy-field-when-trying-to-establish-no-contact-how-to-cut-the-chords-of-attachment/
Maybe you can be conveniently “somewhere else” if he comes knocking tomorrow night. Make plans to be unavailable to him. Go out with friends, catch a movie, go to the park, go to an exercise class – anything that will take you away if you feel he will come around. Just be careful and stay safe.
Hi there, well he didn’t come knocking on my door on the 7th, but after his tirade on 1st Nov after I said I knew he was a sociopath and had reported what he’d done to the police, I didn’t really think he would – well, not without a shotgun! Have had no contact since the 1st, he’s removed me from WhatsApp, LinkedIn etc … but I went on LinkedIn tonight to find that he’s looked at my profile in the last 48 hours. But not hearing from him has really given my brain time to calm down and recover. I was only in this for 3 months (exactly, on the 12th Nov) and we only actually MET twice (the second time we were together for 2 days), so God knows how people who have lived with socios/psychos for years manage. It’s like being brainwashed. It IS brainwashing!
Stick with No Contact, people – it’s very good advice! xx
It is brainwashing, when you get away and have headspace to think you realise just how much of your mind was controlled. Also how much of your headspace that they took up.
What a great read! Thanks positivagirl!
It states, “you might find that trying to get rid of them out of your life is impossible, as they still attach to your energy by constantly thinking about you, focusing on you.You cannot get them out of your mind. The more that you are determined to get on with your life, the stronger they are in your thoughts.”
That makes so much sense, because I often wondered why I was always thinking about him, even when I tried not to and would intentionally try to think of other things. That’s sort of frightening to know that I’m always in the thoughts of this type of person, you know? I thought by physically leaving his environment, that I wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore.
You can cut the chords. I was with someone and this happened to me after we split. The thoughts of him in my head were so intense I thought I was going crazy. I did cut the chords and it got rid of him. Of course the outcome might have been mind over matter ? I don’t know? It did work though. Google psychic vampires.
I’m saying it’s frightening because I had a dream the other night where he said to me, “you didn’t think I’d let you go that easily, did you?” All along I’m thinking these are just my own insecurities surfacing. I’m so thankful for this site because I’m learning sooooo much about me, my emotions, and these vampires. It’s so good to be able to come to a place and know that I’m not crazy and that these things are reality and just because others haven’t gone through it, it doesn’t make it any less true and it’s hard to get them to truly understand what I’m going through.
Yes that be just your fears in your unconscious mind coming to the surface when you sleep. It does sound like you went through a very traumatic experience. You have nightmares with ptsd as well.
Hi, I’ve just reposted on this link as way of introduction, it’s funny (well not really) but the more I read the more I remember. It’s just where you spoke of your dream where he said that you didn’t think I’d let you go that easily did you?! Well my spath ex said exactly the same to me in so many words after we got back together after a break up. When we spoke about it, she said that I won’t leave you for long, I said how long would you leave it before coming round. I think she said a few weeks but it would never be over…I love you too much and also couldn’t bare the thought of you looking at anyone else the way you look at me, makes me sick thinking about it she said! Although it’s been a week I just feel it in my gut its not over, the longest we have gone is two weeks in a break up then she messages me, last time it was about her starting therapy, I wished her good luck, hope it works out! That was enough to open the lines of communication!!
Hi Near Miss (sorry, I’m still learning how to post in the right spot here)
Maybe you can be conveniently “somewhere else” if he comes knocking tomorrow night. Make plans to be unavailable to him. Go out with friends, catch a movie, go to the park, go to an exercise class – anything that will take you away if you feel he will come around. Just be careful and stay safe.
I might just go to a friend’s for the evening. I can’t imagine he would sit waiting for 4/5 hours for me to arrive so if I stay out of the way until later in the evening he would hopefully have been and gone. Thanks for your support. xx
Basically through my own research and time in therapy for the last month My ex lied, manipulated and deceived me from the moment we met and started going out. He used me for whatever means and carefully controlled everyone in his life to keep them exactly where he wanted them. His friends were not close to me, and he made sure I wasn’t close to them. He compartmentalised his life to keep everything separate so nothing ever crossed over. This way it was easy for him to lie about things to cover up his wrong doings. He started cheating on me very early on… and all the while kept his ex gf in the picture by charming her and being friendly. His is bi sexual, something he lied to me about, but behind my back was having intimate conversations with guys and even sleeping with them. Along the way little things were discovered y me but he always found a way to manipulate me into believing it wasn’t ever what it seemed. He carefully created the person he was to me, to be the perfect man I had always wanted. That way I fell in love with him really quickly and my love made me blind to his actions. Around four months ago it started falling apart for him, as his lies started to unravel and his best friend now started telling me about his antics. He still managed to pull the wool over my eyes even when I read texts from a girl saying he had made her pregnant. It was around this time that the crazy him started to come to light. He broke into my kitchen window in the middle of the night and we had a huge fight were he punched me twice in the face. I went on holiday with a bruise on my arm you can still see 3.5 months on! He carefully maintained a character of little boy lost, depressed etc… so my natural caring side and love just wanted to looked after him. Through out the whole time together he managed to steal, beg and borrow over £600 from me. And has refused to repay a penny! We split up on August 9th after one of his many rages, I had enough. The next day he went out down to the gay village in my city and bumped into a colleague and told them he was bi. He spent the whole night kissing guys. The following day he joined Plenty of Fish looking for a relationship with a girl, all the while texting his love for me and how he missed me! During this time I was starting to get really poorly and realising how ill it was making me. I couldn’t. sleep or eat and started missing work. I lost two stone in two months. But he had me tjinking he was depressed & down so my attention was on him. A week later we got back together after a tearful reunion in a pub. That night he went out on a first date with a girl who I recently spoke to. He told her we had been split for months and we were never serious. He started grooming her around this time. Through out the month of August he was cheating on me with numerous girls and men, and told two further colleagues he was bi sexual. He even went from the bed of a guy to my bed in the space of 24 hours during Gay Pride festival. I found that during this time no one in his family or friends knew we were together. He lied to them telling them I suffered a family inherited mental disorder, He was back talking to his ex telling her she was 100% perfect and he longed to be back with her. All the while he was telling me how he loved me, and wanted a future and to get married. In September he started pushing me away often. Dumping me when I was son flights and every time I wanted to walk away he would cry and beg me back. . I went to see him one night & he sat in his flat drinking vodka. He told me he didnt care i loved him & trapped my arm in the front door… I hit him in the struggle to get free as it was killing me trapped there and he called the police on me. But they never came. I drove home & threw up in my car. He was saying i wss mentally unstable etc. He went on a date with a girl that night. He started seeing a girl from his work at this time and had signed himself up for Grindr and websites called comedogging.com and friendswithbenefits.com He spent one last night with me, made sure it was perfect and made empty promises of his love and devotion and about a happy future. That night I took his phone and read just how deceitful he had been to everyone in his life about every aspect of his existence. He promised me i’d never lose him. He dumped me the next day. He said i deserved better etc… But it was all part of his ploy to control me… I’d attempted to end it a few times but he’d never let me. I was distraught. I reacted to finding out about all the deceit by telling his friends and family about all his deeds. I got so much abuse and so did my family that I went off sick and went to stay my friends. I was so ill I cant even tell you. I had to change my phone number as he started sending me death threats. A few days later he went to the police and filed a complaint of harassment against me. I was suicidal. I was put on beta blockers and started counselling. The doctor said I was suffering trauma and anxiety. He started emailing me trying to controls who I was communicating with as his best friend and I stayed in touch. Even he knew my bf had changed. The emails started to get vile and all I wanted was answers. He threatened me with the police again only a few days later to retract it all saying he loved me and wanted to make amends. I was in such a bad place and loved him so much I agreed to see him. But then he started asking for sex and 11 days ago I stopped all contact. I suddenly realised after this moment and then research I had done that “my Paul” never existed and I had been deceived. He has bombarded me with emails since, saying he loves me, saying he thinsk I am mental and need help, calling me names and then begging to see me and threatening to come round. So I went to the police last week. I spoke to the same copper he did. Who told me he thought he was a cock the moment he stepped foot in the station. I documented everything, the breaking in, assault and theft. It is all on file incase anything else happens. But agreed with the copper he is so dangerous he could make up anything and get me in so much trouble I could lose my job. He had told this police man we had been split for three months and that I was a mental case! So now I am coming to terms with losing the man I thought I was going to marry, and realising that the love of my life never existed. He was an illusion, a sick, twisted mentally ill loser who used, abused and ruined my name and reputation with everyone he knew. My dad has paid of the debt he left me in as he refuses to pay a penny back. I am just trying to get on with things, but it is so hard. I was so in love and happy for a time. It is hard to explain to people how I feel. But for the most part of the last month I have not really wanted to wake up and fairly often just wish I was dead.
You become addicted to them, so you feel you can not breathe without them.
And its all so complex just how abused you have been emotionally & mentally people dont understand & you end up looking the crazy one. I’m on meds & in therapy… & still.in love with someone who didnt even exist… Just an illusion. Its been 15 days of no contact for me… & 8 from him… & I miss him so much.
My god he sounds just like the guy I dated in 2010-11. You don’t live in Bristol do you?
I went through a lot of what you described, and my heart goes out to you. It is the most messed up emotional abuse. I was so traumatised at the time, I didnt even see it as abuse.
I rarely write about that experience here. As it was just so awful. So abusive.
Where you are right now, I really can empathise. i was in such a state – (I was already traumatised when I met him) it took a charismatic sociopath to mirror me and pull me out.
Do you know at the end of that relationship, It had been so bad, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. This is where this post came from, in memory of how I felt at that time.
I know its easier said than done, as you have to find you. And after that type of abuse you are left numb. Just absolutely dead – like a shell of a person.
You have held out your hand for help! …and that is the first step. its a further step than I was able to take back then, my brain so frozen, I couldn’t even see the sick type of abuse he was doing.
https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/from-victim-to-survivor/how-to-reclaim-the-person-in-the-mirror/
Well done you… for reaching out. I didn’t. 7 months later, i (still traumatised) met the charismatic sociopath…. we are here for you. It will get better, one day you will look back and realise that this is a time in your life, when you grow strength you did not know you had. You will find an inner you… and you will look back to the person you were before you met him and realise that you are so much stronger… stronger than you have ever been in your life.
You can do this!! You are stronger than you realise… I promise!!
Thanks…
I have been messaging you on FB actually… I just felt I needed to share my story on here.
I’m the girl who has had no contact now for 15 days… and he hasn’t contacted me for 8!
I was put on beta blockers today and had a further counselling session…
I had a breakdown a few years ago… he knew everything about me, and used it all against me in the last few months.
Like you said I never even saw any of this as abuse.
I loved him so very very much and still do. I sit here now missing him, his touch, his face everything…
But I know he ever existed.
My doctor says I am suffering a form of PTSD and the nightmares and constant thoughts are harrowing and really holding me back.
That stare I have read about in your posts, All though I never really thought much of it at the time… all the instances it was present with him have come back to haunt me and to be honest it’s like a horror movie in my mind. He stands at my bedroom door when I’m bed and just pierces through my soul.
I twice wrote to his parents concerned about him as he painted that victim picture and I seriously thought he was bi polar and an alcoholic. But he manipulated them into thinking I was indeed crazy.
I still am at a loss as to what to do.
Your latest post is very poignant for me as I was thinking a lot today about the causes for his condition and I seriously consider his parents an issue, with his fathers alcoholism in the past. A HUGE part of me wants to help him, but I know I want to help the man I loved and he really didn’t exist.
I saw a few times before it all broke down the real him, and he was a vile wretched person.
I have also realised that he didn’t have much of a personality, it was very much bravado and humour, and the use of props. I now only a month since we split can not really tell you about his personality and this is a man I was with for 12 months,
I am at a odd stage and I really just want time to move quickly so I am out of this pit I feel stuck in.
I am working very hard to get out of it, and as I mentioned in my session today with my therapist… I am just so frustrated… I never asked for this… I just want to be loved!
Hi Mcc81
although i did not suffer from PTSD and my ex never had a chance to smear (not to my friends – he did smear me to his work collegues and ex) or try to ruin me (although he threatened to) as i went NC straight away, there is a lot that you wrote that resonates so much with me. I was where you were not that long ago. missing him, his face, his touch and definitely the wanting to heal quickly and for time to hurry up. It wasn’t till i sat back and accepted that this is where i was and that i had to heal in its own way and in its own time that i started making real progress. I guess part of that was i stopped being so hard on myself. Everyone is different though.
i find it very interesting what you wrote about his personality, or lack of…. I realise that mine wsa the same, once you took away the humor and bravado… there really wasn’t much there except a weird obsession with music. Near the end i sometimes got bored with him. I just thought that was us adjusting as we moved into the next stage of our relationship but i think now that it was because he had no substance.
Hi, I posted on another link on here but not sure if it went through, anyhow I can’t find it! I feel a total fool right now after being sucked in so many times and the realisation is that my gut was right all along I first came across this site amongst others in April when I googled my fiance odd behaviour…ie I felt she had no conscience whatsoever at the time or sensitivity. You see my wife died 2 years ago, after a very long battle with depression she ended her own life leaving me devastated along with my to kids now aged 12 and 9. I was living in Australia at the time but returned to england last May to be close to family.
Anyway I bumped in to an old female school friend although we had nothing really to do with each other and within minutes was asking my story as it had been over 20 years since we last met. Within half an hour I was added on a site and the messages bounced. I was hooked and was so perfect. Beautiful, funny, we just talked and talked. I couldn’t have been happier but looking back even in the early days there was flashes of temper and quite evil. Throughtout I loved her so much, gave her absolutely everything but sometimes subconsiously her enthusiam at times seed underwhelming like it was no big deal. I think buying a large house for us all to live in, paying off her 11000 car loan so we could buy a bigger one, trip to New york and jewellery clothes…all sorts and you get the idea! She has caused massive problems with my mum and sister who I moved back to be close to, and hence are now not speaking since the last time I got back with her! She was down right a bully to my kids and made out they were always lying when they saw through her…particulary my son. They just wanted us to split up apparently! Same as my mum and sister!! I never thought I was such a push over and stood my ground always but the begging pleading and cries for help were too much and always bowed down. I was her absolute love…she had never loved anyone before, she knew this because of how made her feel! Yet the very next day we would split she was straight on network site messaging men! During one break she sold the car because it was in her name and I lost 18000 by that time yet even when we got back together a week later there was no sincere regret….Ive apologised what more do you want…!! Blamed me for not supporting her and in so many words pretty much accused me of having a hand in my wifes suicide!! I still took her back!! Outsiders looking in call me a mug but have no idea. I would have done the same at one time but my god she is clever! She started therapy…on meds for depression ( she knew that would get my heart melting as its such a painful subject to me and seeing alledgedly a councillor! I really doubt that now! I have evidence and confronted her of being overly flirtatious but denied it without batting an eye lash!!
Its over but feel very much alone at the minute, not sure if my family will ever understand or forgive me for standing up for someone who they thought was so evil….such a sad common theme in all posts but early days for me. Im taking all your advice. I have to see her at school everyday as my daughter is in her sons class but I avoid all eye contact….saying that I saw her yesterday with such a smug look but didn’t bite! Today I didnt give her the satisfaction! There is so much more that i have to tell you and this really is the tip! At least I can wear smart casual now when Im not with her and wear aftershave again
Hi I did reply to you. Your comment (and my reply) was on this post. https://datingasociopath.com/2013/09/03/the-stages-of-healing-and-recovery-after-dating-a-sociopath-what-to-expect-a-quick-guide/
Im so sorry…I kept checking and checking but didn’t get an email with follow up reply! Thankyou so much…Ill have a look now and respond to my original post
You are spot on with your last comment! I have come to appreciate how lucky I was to have met and spent over 10 years with my wife. I think looking back now spath was very much threatened by my love for her as she would say…you are the love of my life, I have never loved before but you have! My wife set the standard and by how empathic people respond in a relationship, this always brought fireworks with spath because I always used to question exactly what she was getting at,or by what she meant by her many comments. I never made it too easy for her lol! She used to say stuff, I’d respond because I knew she was being ridiculous and knew exactly what she really meant which was met with denial and that Im twisting everything she says!!
I am sure that your family will forgive you. They love you. What they are feeling right now and their distance, is likely becase they fear that you will return to her. This is likely all that it is. They are probably concerned for you, and your children.
Bereavement of a partner, and a parent is a lot to go through. I am so sorry that you were targeted at a time when you were grieving. This is something that has happened to a lot of people (me too).
I think that you are right about they fear I will return…To be honest I havent told them but they must have noticed…My daughter goes where my neice goes aswell so I have my mum and sister in one playground who avoid me, then I stand near my daughters class and feel my spaths eyes burning in my back! Other mums who she talks to stare aswell now! Its such a mess!!!
Ah women do that in the playground. I think its often like that anyway!!
I am wondering, had you ever done bereavement counselling for the death of your wife? How long after she died did you meet this other woman? You say that your wife died in 2011?
My wife died in Jan 2011, I stayed in Australia till the following May. May 2nd I returned and met her mid June! I think what made it easy for her aswell was that we was in the same class at school, there was an instant common ground! We seemed to just click, laughed and talked a lot, I think that I genuinly thought that I could be happy again! I saw a psychologyst in the months after my wifes death but he wasn’t concerned and my main focus was on my kids….they witnessed her suicide…absolute tragic and would be hard for anyone as an adult but for them!!!!! Thats just what I can’t grasp or couldn’t with my ex spath….she didn’t ever seem to allow for that with them! It was always about her son and how hard it is for him because he doesnt see his dad everyday…like thats the same! My son used to get so angry when he heard things like that!
I would imagine that he did. It isn’t the same thing. I expect that you felt it was strange that you were both in the same class at school and now your children were in the same class at school. I would expect your children to have felt resentment that they had to share their father. If she was not nice to them, they could have feared that she would take their father away too. When a parent leaves suddenly out of a childs life, it can cause a sense of fear that they will lose the other, which can cause behaviour problems. Then if it is suicide, they have the additional burden of why? And were they not good enough, did they do something wrong? I just think she wasn’t good enough for you or your children. They have been through enough.
For anybody to do that to children who would have so much going through their head, is to my mind sick. Grrrr… it makes me feel not only sad, but quite cross 😦
I meant I returned to uk over a year later in the May not that same May following my wifes passing
That is still not too long. (I am not saying this in terms of judgement, just in terms of healing) and that you were likely still very vulnerable when you met her. So don’t be too hard on yourself.
It must be tough having to still see her at the school every day, particularly if she is gossiping at the school (which happens anyway from my memory)… Sounds like you have had to have a lot of bravery.
🙂 its ok I didn’t see it as a judgement and yes it was a very short time with regard to healing! I don’t think that its ever something you get over and the wounds will be there for some time yet, I thought that I could always love my wife, remember how lucky I was and still fall in love again. Spath didn’t like it one bit I can tell you that for sure!! Its funny talking to my son tonight about everything and it really just dawned on my the complete opposite scales my wife and spath were…one felt everything and couldn’t live with the hurt and pain ….the other has not one ounce of love compassion empathy! Its one extreme to the next!!
Do you know perhaps the beauty of this, is the reconition of something that was beautiful about your wife. Perhaps the parallel has enabled you to be able to explain to your son in a way that he can understand? And also for you too, perhaps some understanding. I believe that things happen for a reason. As harsh as these lessons are sometimes to learn.
I think it’s interesting how so many comment on the lack of uniqueness. I’ve read people writing about the “charismatic soc” (which I translate to mean convincing, over-the-top and manipulative), but no one ever says, “He had SO much personality!”
Mine integrated what could be perceived as personality into his tasteful dress (or, it could be characterized as gay/flamboyant probably from an outsider!) He constantly got comments on his appearance one way or another though—about dress, tatts. I guess this is good camouflage when you’re non-descript with your reactions, interactions, affections, etc.
excellent observation, mine used to dress up in 1950’s mens wear….hat,coat, vest, chain pocket watch………I remember how embarrassed I was when he dressed this way to go to the zoo…but he would get noticed that’s for sure.
MIne wore Ben Sherman and pretty much that was it – he was obsessed with being a mod! he is 37! Mine was a charismatic sociopath but had no friends. My sister said she found him uncomfortable/disconnected/socially uncomfortable. I didn’t introduce him to many of my friends.. mainly as most had recently moved away but also because he seemed socially uncoordinated and i hated babysitting him. However, during the love bombing we could talk for hours and hours, he was so charasmatic… now i realise it was because he was mirroring me. Once he had decided it was over (even though he hadnt told me yet) he no longer had any reason to continue the pretense so it got a bit boring
If he has you “staked out,” tell him if he doesn’t leave you will call the police. It is really as simple as that. You owe him nothing. If you could, you probably be willing to kick his ass. So, kick his ass with law. He is only there to destroy you.
The afore message was for “It is Done.”
Hi broken,
I don’t think your message was for me? Mine has thankfully left me alone since a month after discard.
Peace
This is to bewildered: Your the Sociopath. Sorry Bro. I’ve been through far too much to humor. I hope you see what life has to show you in order for you to atleast feel like its worth it to cooperate and contribute (selfishly) to the world around you. Sorry bro. You’ve been busted
I am unable to write this as a post – so I will write it here…. (He might see it) This was the truth that set me free!!
Sociopaths strive to be in control. They compartmentalise people in their life. The sociopath will want to know every part of your life, yet keep their own life private and secret. They ensure that they keep people in their life, away from each other. They do this to cover for their lies, to back up their lies, to manipulate others and be in control.
I had known the sociopath in my life for a few years, yet I still hadn’t met his family, or his friends. Accusations, false stories, and humiliation had seen me pull back from other people in my life. I felt small and ashamed.
The last contact that we had, was to be the one time, that he decided that I could meet his family. He had played the good guy for months, he was still controlling. I had no idea how the night would pan out or what would happen. One thing was for sure, he couldn’t keep his mask up whilst drinking. I thought the night was nice. We were to return to his mothers house to stay overnight, it was miles away from where I lived. I had no idea where we were. It felt to me the middle of nowhere. I had no idea what was to happen next…..
What did happen was the truth that set me free.
At the house, it was normal, he was normal. We played with their puppy when we got back. I had no clue what was going through his head, but as the master illusionist, I never did. We were to sleep in his mothers room. It was small house, his brother was asleep in the bed next door.
I was tired and wanted to sleep. I thought we were ‘ok’. He wanted sex. I said no. It felt wrong in his mothers bed, disrespectful. When I said no, he started yelling, really yelling at the top of his voice. He was shouting as if we were having a row. All things that he had falsely accused me of over the past two years. It felt crazy, I knew it was for his brothers benefit who was in the bedroom next door. I was scared. I tried to leave, he wouldn’t let me leave. He continued yelling obscenities and accusations at me. It was like he was having an argument with himself (giving the illusion that we were having a fight). However, of course it wasn’t this. This was the sociopath game. To have his brother believe these things about me. To back up his lies. I was begging him to stop. He slapped me across the face. I hit him back. Then he started yelling top of his voice, I had hit him, he was calling the police.
I was stunned…..
I had been set up. I couldn’t believe it. He later scratched his face twice, to make it look like i had really harmed him. Slapped me twice more. He continued yelling terrible things about me, allegations that were not true, that he had obviously obviously told others about me. I was being set up and there was nothing that I could do about it.
You would think that this was rage, that came from somewhere, that he had lost control. I thought this too. I tried to hug him to tell him that I loved him, to please stop. I felt humiliated, trapped and ashamed. I was also frightened. Right there and then he seemed out of control.
Then his mother came back, we heard the vehicle pull up in the drive and the key into the door downstairs. Suddenly, he was calm. Whispered shhh, be quiet. He didn’t want his mother to hear what was happening. I was stunned. He DID know exactly what he was doing. His attack of me, was deliberate for a reason. To deceive his brother and to back up his lies. He wasn’t angry – this was all a deliberate sociopath game. For a reason.
The next morning he got up went into the bathroom, and came back with scratches over his face. To make out that I had done this to him. Yes, I had hit him back after he hit me, but I hadn’t scratched him, and those scratches were not there before he went to the bathroom. I was stunned just how far he would go to play out his elaborate game of deception.
He went downstairs to speak to his family in the morning, mortified, I stayed upstairs in the bedroom. I was stunned and couldn’t believe this was happening. For the first time. I had no words. There were no words.
I do not usually write posts of my own stories here. I wanted to write this one. As this man, had, for months, been playing perfect man.
Three weeks earlier on a Sat night, we had gone out drinking. Suddenly he attacked me after coming out from the toilet. He accused me of talking to a man on my phone. It wasn’t true. I had just been to the toilet. That is all. I showed him my phone, he pushed me, people in the pub challenged him. Then outside he slapped me. Walking along the road, police were walking down the road. I asked them for help. They took me to the station then sent me home in a taxi. Of course he showed up at my house. Shouted and yelled through the night. At 8am police arrived at my home. Female officer wanted to arrest him. I didn’t want that.
He was taken away by the police, a few hours later. He returned to my home with a male officer. The way that the officer glared at me, it was obvious he had lied to the police about me. Made out that I was a nutter, and that he was just defending himself!!…. i was stunned. I felt betrayed. Yet still I deluded myself.
At least until the final night. On the final night, i saw for myself just how far he would go to delude and deceive. The lengths he would go to to play the game, and how nobody else was important. Others were just players in the game.
I wanted to write this as a post – but likely he would see it… so I put it here – and I hope that people can find it, and that it might help somebody.
Don’t be deluded. The sociopath will go to extraordinary lengths to back up their lies. This is why he had kept me seperate from his family. Why I had never met anyone in his life. He was telling me one thing and them another. Never had I seen him play the victim as much as he did that night. I realised that this person would do and say anything for his own ends – to win and to be in control.
I decided that I didn’t want to play the game anymore. Even my fascination for sociopathic behaviour became something I was no longer interested in. I had to protect myself.
The truth… seeing the truth…. had really set me free!! 🙂
Hi Pos 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story & for sharing You with us & creating a site for us all to come & find answers/support/knowledge/enlightenment/peace 🙂
I wrote a big long response but, the internet dropped out so, my reply was lost in the ether but, I did want to share this with you 🙂
I read a book by Peter Levine & it’s about trauma & is titled ‘In An Unspoken Voice’ & whilst reading this passage I was instantly reminded of the Sociopath & I would like to share this observation with you 🙂
‘Disembodiment methods include the addictions to overwork, sex, drugs, drinking or compulsive eating. All are ways to suppress, numb or control the body-or are, ironically misdirected attempts to feel it. However, without embracing bodily experience, we are left with an empty shell, a narcissistic image of who we think we are. We are unable to really feel the fullness of ourselves, a fullness formed from a continuous flus of experience. Pornography & eating disorders are two sides of the same coin-disembodiment & objectification. The less the body is experienced as a living entity, the more it becomes an object. The less it is owned, the further it is divorced from having to do with one’s core sense of self’.
I truly believe as an embodied/empathic person, that the Soc is disembodied/not empathic & their quest to feel anything whatsoever is like filling a bucket full of holes with water.
They keep filling up on the good people but, we eventually drain out so, they move to the next as we know for supply!
I am taking my bucket & my water off to Bali in two days & I wish all of you, especially Pos, full buckets from here on 🙂
Love & Light embodied people 🙂
PR xoxo
Ah we will miss you!! Yes I think you are right about the filling up of other people. When they can’t get that they move onto the next victim.
What was weird is that last conversation we had. He had thrown himself into character of the lie so much he believed it himself. Actually I have experienced that with a psycho before. You can tell when they tell you something someone else has said to back up their lien but they are telling you and you are the one who knows it’s a lie. I think they can become the lie.
Have a wonderful time in Bali. We will all miss you here how long arw you going for?
Hi Lovely Pos 🙂
I am off tomorrow the 12th so, just wanted to wish you continued healing & love 🙂 I will be in touch.
Look after yourself first & foremost & all the wonderful people here, that have become a great source of strength to me 🙂
It’s quite a community that you have given a voice to & I know without you a lot would be lost, including me….it’s like going to AA meetings (I never have) online to keep yourself straight 😉
Hopefully I don’t need AA when I come back 😉 LOL….
Stay Strong, Love & Light, Never Alone, Always someone to help, keep going 🙂
May All Your Achievements (MAYA) live in our hearts forever 🙂 BIG HUG 🙂
PR xoxo
Be safe, have fun, relax
Hey PR,
Have a GREAT time! i came back from my holiday another step forward in my recovery and am definitely in the acceptance stage now. It was the best thing for me to break away from everyday life and come back a fresh!
We will miss you 🙂
xx
🙂 🙂 🙂
NIBSIH 🙂 Thank you & take care of yourself also 🙂 xoxo
I have been in the exact situation, but didn’t get out in time. I fooled myself because I was depressed, shy and vulnerable. I ended up in prison on remand for defending myself and the young policemen that arrived were more interested in having a laugh with him than for the fact blood was running down my face. I had been beaten and abused for years, he had 7 kids to another woman before me and they used to call me to tell me to kill myself. Phoned me at work, to tell me to stay away. Alarm bells rang and I ignored them. He convinced me that his children were only jealous and unhappy that he had left. But he had told me when we met that he had left a year before???? Anyway at the end of this sorry tale, I resigned from my great job, even though my bosses were in court to support me,because they knew that wasn’t me. But i couldn’t face the embarassment of going back to work where everyone knew and probably assumed I had some guilt. My life will never be the same. To explain to strangers what I had been through is beyond speach. The repercussions were devestating, I was angry and delusional. I’ve fallen out with everyone I know, including my small range of family because of my bitterness now. But additionally, my only brother in the world talked to this guy and believed him, even though this guy had told me he wanted to have sex with my brother’s ex wife and had admitted to me that he already had sex with my best friend of 20 years. Things become that absurd that no-one can or possibly don’t want to belive what people are capable of.
I wish I could express my experience in writing as well as you did.
My socio turned on me in August. I was never let in to his circle. We fought, I fought with him about how I felt excluded from his life, how he had another life I knew nothing about. I did everything to help this man an yet I had no place in his life. I was in such a horrible place emotionally for almost 2 years.desperate to have him yet desperate to end the pain I knew he was causing. Everything that I went through was planned, every fight, every clue that he left to make me feel insecure, every time he blew me off, it served a purpose in what he wanted me to feel and do.
I thought I could play his game. I thought I could out smart him. I couldn’t my feeling were real. I’ve shared in the past on this site what happened that led me to say enough, I needed to make a change, I don’t want to repeat it but I will repeat what I changed an worked for me and my recovery.
I cut all emotion when dealing with him. I accepted what I went through. Accepted I will never get an explanation or an apology or the truth. When he text me, It was just words. His words were now empty. They had no effect on me anymore.
I keep myself busy, very busy. I did things that kept my mind busy.i painted, counted a giant jug of change (20,876 pennies) did some gardening. I told my mind to shut up if I started thinking of him.
I’m not over it. But I’m getting there. I’m in a better place emotionally. I don’t cry everyday. I don’t lose days lost in thinking of him anymore. I feel alive again. It’s been a process, I have more good days than bad ones and that keeps me hopeful that one day it will just be a distant memory.
I haven’t heard from him in awhile. The last time I talked to him he accused me of getting him fired, evicted from his friends home, using him. He claims I plotted to ruin his life and being happy he is homeless and broke. I used to beg him to stop accusing me of these things but then I realized what’s the point. It’s what he believes, he has changed history so that what he says magically becomes a fact.i lived it, I was there. I know the truth, fighting with him and his “truth” became pointless, he says he is the victim and my reason for leaving him is because I’m looking for a new victim now. So rediculous.
He also put an ad with my home address for free sex toys knock on my door 7am. Saturday. I had many people mostly men show up. It was scary. I could have made into a big deal, text him fight about it, he would accuse me of creating the ad myself and say I was desperate. So I let it go.i didn’t give in to the game. I have a daughter at home, I couldn’t believe that he would do that to me. But after thinking about it some more I realized of course he would do that he doesn’t care, I’m just another name of someone he used. He doesn’t care.
This is my experience, this is what is working for me, I know everyone is different, the stories are different. I wish I hadn’t stayed as long as I did. I wish I hadn’t gone in circles so many times.i wish I hadn’t been so hopeful or forgiving. I’m glad I chose to face the facts and realized the puzzle will never be solved, pieces are missing, pieces ill nevee find, im glad i said fuck it, move on. I chose to get my life back, I wanted to be me again.
Time waits for no one. I saw life pass me by and I was stuck for so long. Cutting him off emotionally was the start to help me in my recovery. I was in a hole and I never thought that I would get out of that darkness but I am. Ill never understand him, I’ll never know why he chose me to use, ill never know, I’ll never know ill never know.
And I’m ok with that. It’s done now, because I stopped being what he wanted and I chose to be me.
Stay busy, Good luck, be safe and stay strong. It will get easier when you decide you’ve had enough.
Hi Absorbtion,
Something you wrote about in your post struck a cord with me
It’s the part about feeling excluded from his life and him having a whole other life away from you . Boy, have I felt that way .
I used to tell him that I felt I was number 15 on his list of prioritys . His reply to me was that I was on a list all of my own with nobody before or behind me . So I said , how is it then , that I don’t feel that way ?
I also had the feeling of him having another life away from me . I knew of his strange sleeping patterns and his passion for his computer . He would wake up at 1:30-2:00 pm and open his computer . I don’t know what he did on there and I don’t want to know because it would probably make me sick . When I asked him what he would do at that time at night, when he was unable to go back to sleep , he said he would watch Egyptian News .
Many times when his phone rang he would just look who it was and not answer , always feeding in to my suspicions . It used to get me right in my heart .
Why do we stay so long with these pathetic creatures who don’t posess an ounce of human decency?
I didn’t know it then but I sure know now since I found this site .
I thank God every day that I found all of you .
I remember the days when I walked in darkness feeling so alone , not being able to understand any of it
When Valentines day or my birthday was approaching and he would ask me what I wanted , I answered that I wanted nothing except a better understanding between the two of us . But that wasn’t in the cards. I didn’t know he was feeding of my emotions and that he put a spell on me that made me in to an addict .
All those silent treatments , I have lost count, and all the reunions that fallowed by my initiation because I needed my fix , I needed the pain to stop for just a little while ( I know u all know what I’m talking about ) .
At some point I had realized that I was on borrowed time and I started to count the days . After a week had passed and then 10 days I knew he would be out the door again over some bullshit that was again my fault .Again I went through withdrawel . How sick I was !
During one of his silent treatments I suffered a heart attack . The stress of this relationship was becoming apparent . It was March 17, 2012 . He took a ride to New Jersey to visit his friends while I had 12 people working an me in the emergency room of the hospital to save my life . It was a frightening experience but he had no horse in this race at all . My hope for things to get better where in wain.
Well , I’m in a better place now but it took a lot of blood , sweat and tears to get here .
I drew the line after taking him back yet one more time after NC for 3 and a half months . That was about 3 weeks ago .
After spending the night with me, he left my house at 8 am and he returned at 8:30 pm claiming he had an epileptic seizure . When I approached him at the door and I kissed him I got a scent of something I had never smelled on him before and I said so. Of course he had no idea what in the hell I was talking about and I was the crazy
one again . Oh no not this time , I said to myself .I believe my nose over anything that could come from his mouth at this point .
Two days later I send him an email calling him a Sociopath . I have not heard from him since and I hope I won’t hear any more .
I’m so done with all the lies the deception and manipulation , but the memories linger . There is no way to forget the last 3years but I can process those memories differently by putting them in there rightful place .
P.S.
I send an email to Dr. Phil ( popular talk show here in the U.S.) asking to do a show on Sociopaths/ Psycopaths .
Word has to get out , people have to be aware of these predators . To my sisters here in the states maybe send some more emails to Dr.Phil with the same request . Thanks!
Love you , stay strong XOXOXO
That is because they compartmentalize their life. They keep their own life secret and people away from each other. If they didn’t their lies would be shown. All psychos compartmentalize
You are not alone. Your statement, “I was in such a horrible place emotionally for almost 2 years.desperate to have him yet desperate to end the pain I knew he was causing,” if modified could be said by probably everyone that posts here. In my case the socio was a woman.
.
I could go on for hours telling you about the shit she pulled, but it would be redundant. Her turning on me was, ironically, when she finally agreed to go into therapy that I had helped facilitate her going into. Instead of focusing on making it a positive thing for her and her messed up kids (who suffered her abandonment and abuse), she used therapy to manipulate the aging therapist into giving her a certificate that reflected “She was not Alcohol Dependent.” She needed that so she can present it in family court and kidnap her youngest son into her custody. She sleeps with her 23 year old son and rubs his back to sleep and wonders why he is a freaking loser.
I do why I was chosen. Her brother and law & sister thought I was, as her sister said, “an interesting stud, and wanted fix me up with her.” At this point I feel like her sister gave me to her for a feeding. Its interesting that after getting to know the family I realize now that there is not one of my ex-soc’s siblings that isn’t completely bizarre. Personality disorders (narcisissm, sociopathology) run in the family. I was sufferieng from legal troubles (which are now resolved) and emotional (PTSD..I now am in treatment at the local Veteran’s Center in my area), which probably made me a likely candidate for her abuse
@positivagirl –
He is a fucker.
You poor woman – I really feel for you. That’s terrible, but I have seen that pattern before. It makes me think that my ex-sp and his previous ex were both SPs … I think they were physically abusive to each other to set each other up. He mentioned that he “didn’t think” he’d ever be physically abusive toward me. I told him “good thing, because if you ever raise a hand to me, you’ll end up in traction”. And I meant it. It wasn’t long after that that he broke up with me – I think he was scared of me.
I know how embarrassing it was, and terrible, but you are FREE now, and that’s a great thing. Bless you for being honest, and helping so many other people.
I hadn’t really emotionally connected with him again. He got evicted from his place, put his stuff in my garage…. you know how it is!!
What amazed me, was just observing his behaviour. How he believed his own lies. But most importantly how he KNEW exactly what he was doing. As soon as his mother returned he was calm. It was deliberate. To play out his game that sociopaths play.
It was so clear, so obvious., I was crying and shaking and he had NO care…. just nothing. We split a long time ago. So it hasn;t realy affected me too much. I just feel relieved – and hope he will move on. I wish him well and happiness 🙂 I do…. his brain is firing proper crazy right now. He is telling me things that he has lied about to others – and telling me how someone else said…blah that crap.
Oh and of course, there were the threats to ruin my life. Oh and how he is going to tell everyone bad shit about me. He doesn;t realise he is a one trick pony. I laughed, and said err… well you shoot your mouth off too early cos right now there is nothing you to ruin; you already took it all!! 🙂
Anyway he was ‘i love you’ ‘your the love of my life’ i said I dunno what you want me to say? He asked me how I could be so cold?? described me as a ‘blank canvas’…. i guess he meant i had zero emotions left that he could manipulate.
Its a good feeling and I feel relieved…. well… except I know he will prob show up and cause drama for me in my life. Maybe he wont.
I know freedom…. its a great feeling. I can grow!! 🙂
Wow Pos. no wonder u understand us all so well, you have been through the worst if it. There are parts of ur reply here that once again I resonate so strongly with. Unbelievable!
Welcome back! Congratulations on your decision, keep calm, keep strong
I read your comment and my stomach did flips, I was confused for a minute, I thought I had written it. Our experiences were very familiar, (I’m in l.a.) so I know how you felt or feel.
It was such a sad time in my life and my heart ached for this man for such a long time I thought I would never feel at peace again…or even bored. I was always on edge waiting for the next thing to happen.
I don’t know where you are in your recovery. Or no contact. But I had to start over ever 2 hours, every other day, 4 days , until I finally broke. It will get easier. I stopped picking at the sutures and decided to let myself heal. However you choose to heal, do it. Accept the past and leave it there. Be strong . Stay safe.
My Pinocchio prohibits me to talk to his mother and sisters, he even erase their number after their few calls. His mother contact me and was the first person to prevent me we talked a lot, and share time together, even after everything finished. She and her daughters had a really hard time with him when he was younger. They decided to stay away from him and the contact is scarce. He never knew we have a really good relationship.
I knew him for two years. In those two years, he kept me seperate from all of his life. The one before did the same I knew him for a year.
The odd thing is, that they do not present it to you like that at all. You think that it is just because they are choosing to be with you. They always have lots going on behind the scenes.
Pos 😉 smee again 😉
My Soc only let me meet his family/friends when I was leaving him so, as to bait the hook more as I protested over his lack of involving me within his life as he was in mine.
18 months after I first met him he turned 50 & I was not invited to his ‘surprise party’, he knew about it (no surprise) but, said his daughter was organising it etc…so, he couldn’t ask her to invite me as he wasn’t supposed to know about it? I later found out he knew all about it & was instrumental in the inviting of family & friends & even showed me pictures of the night. I was so hurt I told him to forget it & I’ll move on. Then he upped the game & had his workmates contact me to say they had never seen him so upset & talk about someone as he did ‘me’ 🙂 so, bit by bit he smoozed me back into the picture 😦
I left his game 3 times & each time he had his followers bring me back by lying & covering for him & he would let me meet one person at a time so, that I felt like I was being accepted into his inner sanctum….little did I know then it was an asylum for the insane 😉 😉 oh well….I know now as we all do & he can have his silly game & crazy followers….I’m off to Bali with real friends & have my own loyal following that I never will take for granted & I will love & respect them more than ever 🙂
PR xoxo
Oh PR… they are such awful people. How they trick you into believing their lies because you want to so much believe in the good of people. In the good of them. Have a great trip gorgeous and talk when you get back xxx
Mine says that his family isn’t good. That they
were unable to forgive him for his teenage mistakes, that they envy him. His family are great, they are just tired of dealing with him after so much money, time and love invested on him. I had the rare opportunity to saw them together when he was sick and he treats his mother very badly, she is so scared by him.
In retrospect, it’s really quite bizarre how they do it – and bloody clever! I still cannot believe I got SOOOO sucked in so quickly!
Have a fabulous time! This website has been a Godsend! xx
I dated a sociopath. He has lied, cheated (once he made out with a girl right in front of me), set me up to hurt me and basically laughed in my face for it. He NEVER apologized for anything he does . He always blames it on someone else or on drugs or alcohol. And to make it worse he turns the blame on me..anytime i try to call him out for the things he does he lies and makes excuses. If i present him with evidence to prove he is wrong or that he is lying he gets ANGRY. He wont admit to lying even with the evidence (sometimes evidence from friends in common,things they’ve seen with their own eyes)…instead he makes me feel bad for accusing him when he did “nothing” wrong. And he says “if your going to treat me this way we don’t need to speak to each other because this just isn’t right, i don’t deserve it”. And if I say another word to him he will ignore me completely. He said the only way he will speak to me again is if i DROP all of the drama and let it go. He really wants to be cool and not fight and he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend. I want to not fight too but i really feel like he is walking all over me. I feel trapped and abused and i don’t know what to do. I can’t pretend nothing is wrong just so me and him can still hang out, but that’s what he wants. I’m not giving that to him so he says its over between us. I’m emotionally a mess. Is it normal to feel like you need to see a counselor? My friends have been very worried about me because i am always in low spirits, im angry, and i just want to be alone. They say my self esteem has dissapeared. I agree with them sadly. i feel very depressed everyday and i don’t feel like i have any value. He could care less how much he has hurt me so i feel very alone. Before i met him i was a completely different person. I’ve tried to talk to family and friends but most of them just don’t understand why he acts like that and so therefore they don’t really know how to give me advice.
Damaged……..Stay away from that prick. He is a baby and does not deserve you
Damaged …your trouble with depression may deepen if you do not seek out the advice of the good people here. And please….try to get individual therapy so you can more thoroughly and comprehensively navigate your way through the damage that prick has done to you.
The depression for me was deeply routed in the constant state of confusion I felt. The soc I dated manipulated me out of any safety net I had in my own life. I could never get her to even ballpark when she would come over. I understood that she had motherly responsibilities, but she used that as a way to control the relationship, my time, & actually my emotions (“Sorry can’t see you I gotta do this or that this weekend”). I could never plan on anything I invited her to a friend’s house party as my guest. She humiliated me by ending up in the basement getting stoned with a group of men who she was quite flirtatious with. I’m not that possessive by nature, but by the end of the relationbship I had become a jealous possessive freak. After she would set me up she loved saying, “You are so unattractive when you get that way.”
She was good at causing total confusion with me. She would come off as this dizzy-headed girl, and then out of no where become this brain-surgeon, and then slip into this psycho bitch, and then nurturing girlfriend (only giving the impression of it but never really being nurturing.
Please seek out help for your feelings. The low you are at is no joke
I read your post and pulled my car over to respond, because your situation reaches out to me. First I want you to know that it is not your fault, and no, you are not crazy for thinking you need a therapist. I have posted my own experience’s here, and one thing I want you to know is that for weeks before I attempted suicide over my SOC, I asked myself the same questions about seeking professional help. I wish now that I had. Depression seems to ne the one common illness that the SOC uses to their advantage.
If I had found this site earlier, I may not have taken the extreme measures that I did, so perhaps you will find whay you need here nefore it os too late.
I sincerely urge you to seek that help if you are not understanding your own SOC and situation before your depression deepens.
The people here are incredible, and are willing to help.
wow well im glad you can relate so we both aren’t alone. Ok just wanted to make sure i wasn’t going crazy for feeling like i need help. Oh my goodness your situation seems way worse=( I am so sorry. I’m glad you chose not to go through with the suicide. Your story has inspired me to go ahead an book an appointment with a therapist because youre right i dont want to wait until its too late and i feel like i keep getting worse and worse and for some reason i still dont see why i need to cut him out of my life…he has just brainwashed me. Thats why i feel i need help because i dont trust myself anymore to make decisions.
I don’t know about anyone else, as I was severely traumatised (due to other things other than sociopath), but this was something that i struggled with. My lack of ability to trust my own decisions anymore.
Seeing a therapist should (hopefully if you find the right one) help you through the fog of confusion. It is normal to not know what to think, and to miss them terribly as they create dependency and addiction to them (deliberately).
I promise you that you can heal and recover and come out the other side…. you really can. Try to take one day at a time, and to do things every day (or at least one) to bring back focus to you. Know that you are not alone, everyone who is on this site (apart from the odd sociopath who posts) understands how you are feeling, we have all been there too.
Maybe you are not seeing it right now, but you are making a decision, a good decision to regain control of yourself and your sanity. A decision to become a survivor. With time and no contact you will begin to heal. Keep strong!
What you are experiencing is normal, you are seeing the truth, and the truth of a sociopath hurts. You are on your first step, don’t be afraid!
@DamagedHeart – he IS walking all over you! And, funny, he wants to keep you as a “friend” – but he’s done nothing to earn your loyalty or friendship. It’s not about you, it’s about him and what he can get from you. When he can’t manipulate or control you anymore, he’ll ditch you, make no mistake.
Thank God my friends and family saw mine for who he is (which is a complete douchebag) – but regardless, your family and friends must see the change in you. Do they not believe you because you are witholding facts about him, kind of protecting him so that they don’t think you’re nuts for staying? (I’ve done this before) If your personality is changing for the worse because he’s in your life, then why on earth would you want to gift him with your friendship? He doesn’t deserve your time or energy.
Do yourself a favour and ditch the loser. No contact all the way – believe me, it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
I agree with Darling, He is only trying to demand power over you, undermine your emotions as worthless and make you come to him so that you have no say whatsoever… a friend wouldn’t do that.
Go no contact. you can stop this fiasco now. Dig deep inside you and find the strength… you do not need someone who treats you like this in your life.
I’m in high school and I’m only 15 right now and I met this boy. We immediately hit it off — #1 characteristic of a sociopath I’ve learned now is that they are charming. He was sweet to me every day after we met. Good morning texts, text messaged me throughout the school day, messaged me on Skype when he’d get home. After only a few days he’d talk about cuddling and wanting to “hang out”. We’ve only seen each other in school every lunch period. We’d begin holding hands when we’d leave and he began kissing my cheek goodbye too. We exchanged letters, and we’d talk really sweet to each other over skype, saying how he wants to be my first kiss and everything because he “wonders what it’d be like to be someone’s first kiss”, and that kissing is “really fun”. I told him we should only kiss if we’re going out, and so he decided to ask me out over skype. It didn’t last even 3 days because I find out on Sunday that he met up for the first time with a long distance girlfriend who he’s been dating for 3 months. I found this out through some blog-creeping. Another symptom- the mask he had, and the lies he kept from me. I confronted him about it over skype and he remained eerily calm, trying to play the victim saying that he’s a horrible person and he’s horrible at relationships, he didn’t even say sorry– MORE symptoms: a lack of understanding of morals and conscience, and lack of empathy. In school I give him a 4-paged letter telling him exactly what he ruined of what could have been between us if he hadn’t been a fuck up, and I left him to read it. He gives me his reply through text, trying to explain himself and claiming that he’s believed in “polyamorism” and that he’s “irresponsible” and it’s “out of his control”. Through more blog-creeping I find out that there has been another girl that has been hurt today by him, because she found out the lies he was keeping. Today we were supposed to be walking home together so he could meet my mom and be my first kiss and we’d be hanging out. I’m glad I got out of that one so early before we could get further and before I’d get really hurt, though.
Your comment made me cry. Not only because it was sad but more because of the message of hope. It’s true, this will pass, wake up every day and choose you. It may not be easy some days but believe me it will get better.
Thank you again for your site. I am going to meet an old friend tomarrow, it’s a huge step for me. My loyalty for my ex was so huge, I never thought I would be able to open myself to having someone in my life again…baby steps, right. For me this is a giant leap.
Stay strong everyone, allow yourselves to heal by choosing YOURSELVES!
Have a wonder ful time with your friend. Step one. I absolutEly understand what you mean about seeing friends when with the socio.
Thank you. I did spend time with my friend (ex boyfriend actually,but we are friends now) I didn’t want to bombard him with what happened in my relationship with my socio, but I asked him some questions and I realize that I need to change many things about myself if I want to be in a healthy relationship with anyone. I am very needy, maybe even a little borderline. I know what happened with my socio was something ill never understand or knew about until it was too late, I realize that maybe my flaws made me a target. And it’s kinda sad but oh we’ll. I’m determined to be a better me.
Just thinking out loud.
Hi, Totally new to writting on blogs. Would love to share my experience with my sociopath if this is how to leave my story or comments as in writting at the bottom of the feed?? thanks
Hi Butterfly Girl,
Welcome to the site. Yes please do write your story at the bottom of the feed 🙂 or you can write comments under any of the posts!
Welcome to the site!
Thank you Positivagirl i will look forward to writting about my experience soon and hopefully get some feedback from yourself and others on your blog, which is fantastic btw you’re an inspiration 🙂 Butterfly girl
The Biggest Lesson I Have Learned In Life Thus Far.
Hi my name is Christina, and Yesterday was quite possible one of the worst days of my life- no exaggeration. This is a long story but I would really appreciate people to read this – I believe it will be worth something to everyone who does.
Where do I even start? The past 24 hours I have done lots of research on sociopathic people and their tendencies; I have learned that their complex behavior cannot be reasoned with and that Its truly an unfortunate happening if you ever get caught up in their web of lies, especially romantically.
My experience was with a guy named Joey. We met through a mutual friend about 3 years ago, and we quickly advanced our relationship until we were exclusively together as a couple. Im 20 years old now, and he is 7 years older than me. At first I ignored the age difference, because he said he looked at me as a peer, and I believe I am mature for my age, but now I believe that he preyed on me because of my youth- my willingness to forgive and immense compassion towards everyone.
This was not the first serious relationship that I have been in, however it was the most serious out of them all. I brought him to family events, vacations, everything. I let him in closer than I’ve let even some of my girlfriends. My family liked him and thought he was a great guy- and I trust their opinions.
Our three years together are hazy now looking back, but I can tell you I spent almost all of my free time with him. I was completely emotionally mentally and romantically invested in him. we often talked about our future, and how he has never been in such a “real” relationship with another girl..that the things we shared together the talks we had were completely unprecedented. He was the source of my happiness. I entertained the though of us getting married and we talked about that and having children several times. A word of advice, don’t talk about marriage to a partner unless you are both in the position for it to happen because you could potentially be setting yourself up for worse heartbreak.
Anyway I stayed at his house most nights, he called me “mom” when talking to boss, his american bulldog, who I grew very close to. I met his parents. Everything seemed to be normal…
The first time I pressed him to tell the truth about one of his elaborate stories that did not add up, it was a huge fallout and ended up with him literally crying and begging me not to leave. The weird thing is that I don’t even remember what he was lying about because it was SO trivial. As time progressed, the instances of his stories being outrageous or unbelievable, and me pressing for details to confirm or deny these fabrications increased. It would not happen often, so when it did, I simply brushed it off because I did not think the issue was that of him being a mentally ill person.
He had a tough past, filled with drug addictions and people that probably did not care for him. Something he confided to me about was the death of his Grandmother who was, in short, his world. Now looking back I believe her tragic death was maybe the root of his problems.
He was a very defensive person, very cunning, very manipulative. I don’t ever remember myself feeling manipulated (until yesterday), but I know he manipulated many other people- he is a Chef and would come home every night and literally tell me stories about the other inept people working with him and basically how his skill set was far superior to anyone else’s. It is fine to vent but at one point I had to let him know how ugly it made him look to degrade other people like that and talk about them in such horrible ways. Not to mention his stories were always inflated, elaborated, and spun whichever way he was feeling at the time. There were also times when I caught him in lies and metaphorically had to beat the truth out of him. I remember one instance when he was texting and I saw his ex girlfriends name on his phone and I caught a glimpse of the word “beautiful” in their conversation. He repeatedly denied talking to her and literally tried to delete the thread while standing up off my floor casually but luckily i jumped in and saw the “delete” option up- only after I told him that I saw that and made him swear on his Grandmother’s grave did he admit to talking to her- and then explained it as encouragement for a job interview that she had. I believed him, because I was blinded by love, and I wanted to believe that I was the only girl that he truly loved.
I thought that I was the one exception to these bad qualities that I saw. I thought even though he lied, and I suspected him to be a pathological liar, that I could work through these faults because I loved him, he loved me, and everyone has their faults right? WRONG. Normal people do not lie just to lie- they feel guilt when they do lie. You cannot glaze over these fundamental characteristics of a person. No matter how great you may think they are otherwise.
In September, after being in the relationship for another year, we were both miserable- I did not trust him, and the lying became more and more frequent. It annoyed him when I pressed him for details- he said I was being “nitpicky” and that I drove him to essentially put up walls to block me out because he didn’t want to be constantly criticized. Anyway we broke it off and I began to move on though we still talked somewhat sporadically.
About a month ago, I asked him to bring me all of the things he had of mine from his house and he did. He took one look at me and started to cry- he became really emotional and told me that if I ever needed someone for anything at all, he would always be there for me.
About two weeks ago, we were still sporadically texting, and it was an awkward thing really because I did not know how to be friends with him. I told him I was ready to talk because we hadn’t actually every talked about breaking up- I just abruptly ended it. We talked on the phone for over two hours and he seemingly came to the exact correct conclusion that it was truly his fault for us breaking up- he had a problem swallowing his pride and reacted defensively every time that I questioned his integrity or trust or what he was doing at the time. he repeatedly Apologized which was unusual, and told me that his biggest fear is for me to be walking down a street and find someone else to fall in love with. He “wanted to be the man that I deserve” and “would be lucky to get another chance with me.” Well that was nice and It made me feel a little more emotionally stable because at this point, he was all I still thought about. BUT we still had not talked in person and we didn’t set anything in stone. A couple of weeks went by and finally he told me that he wanted to talk to me in person, but that he would rather not meet at his house. So he came to mine.
We agreed that we both loved each other, and shared very emotional thoughts and words and kisses- I was officially back in his trap. He made a point to ask me if I had been with anyone else during our time apart, and I answered truthfully. I did kiss someone else but it wasn’t like we were involved emotionally or any further than that. I asked the same question and he answered flat out NO – he had been so busy transitioning to his new job that he hadn’t even had the time. I believed him. Two or three days after that, he came over late one night after work, and we shared a very intimate night together, I felt that I loved him enough to give myself to him again -we had discussed how he needs to change so that we could be happy together- he seemed to realize this and understand that this is a last chance for him to show me he is the man I deserve. During the entire night he spoke to me sweetly, held me, was so tender, so caring. There were so many conversations about how we missed each other, he Told me he loved me etc.
We then texted like we were back together for the next two days- him calling me baby, princess, etc. I was so much happier and I felt like things were finally back to normal, but even better. If words were all that mattered, we would be married already because he is that good at saying what I needed to hear.
The second night after we had sex, he told me that he was going to try to come stop by after work and visit me. He ended up never answering me past 1 (ultra late to be having a meeting in a kitchen), and didn’t return any of my calls. The next morning he was even supposed to come tailgate with my family and I at anLSU football game. I felt that something wasn’t right because this was such a pivotal time in our relationship and it would be asinine of him to ignore me after telling me several times that he was coming to see me.
I drove to his house, his car and another car were there. he told about two or three weeks ago that he had a roommate, Erik, so I assumed the other vehicle was Eriks. I saw his phone in his car next to a pint glass so that explained why he wasn’t answering. I proceeded to knock on the door.
Someone came to the door, not to open it, but to lock the deadbolt. I knew something was wrong at that point. I spent twenty minutes beating on windows until finally i took the screen off of his bathroom window located in the backyard at which time the window fell in, and I saw him standing there naked. “what the **** are you doing Christina”.. I was hysterically asking him the same thing. He said he got drunk last night and would come around the front and let me in. He only unlocked his gate to his backyard at which time i demanded to know if there was someone else in his house with him. he said no. I ran into his house and his bedroom door was locked. I was screaming at him what is going on, why are you being like this, i tried to grab his face and he said don’t touch me. He began yelling at me “get the **** out my house Christina” over and over again. I was in an indescribable emotional state but I ran back to his bedroom and literally kicked open the door. A girl sitting in his bed. The details are painful but she said she knew about me. I asked if they had slept together (obviously lol) and she refused to answer. More painfully, he said “Maddie dont answer that” Of course i tell her…screamed at her that he had just been with me two nights before and we had dated for two years and all of that. I even noticed she had an overnight bag confirming that it was not a one night drunken mistake and it had actually been going on for some time.
I slapped him and demanded answers which were never given. no apology. All he said was that he would talk to me later about this. At some point he even called the cops on me because I wouldn’t leave. I left before they got there. All he had to say after was a text that read “We need to talk Christina. I did not press charges but the window and door need to be fixed from what you did”
I was clearly in shock. I cried all day and recruited people who really cared about me to comfort me. I was confused, upset ,wanted answers, wanted an apology. I was so hurt, I thought I was the only girl in his life because he told me so. He lied. I was not. He had sex with me while being involved with another girl. I still find it incomprehensible. He was leading somewhat of a double life, and hid it so well. Now I question everything he EVER told me, and everything he ever did for me. Was it to see me happy like he said? or were his actions ultimately for himself. I believe he ultimately did and said whatever it took to keep me around.
It is incomprehensible. Sociopaths do not feel guilt. He saw nothing wrong with what he did those two nights back with me. He used me. he used the best part of me. And I was so totally in love with him and never saw something like THIS coming. I will never get answers, because people like that do not think like we do. It will be extremely difficult to move on from this, but Im completely cutting contact. I wil always have that memory of her in his bed burned into my brain. But i know that sometime soon I will be able to put a blanket on it, and not allow myself to surface that memory. This is still all so very raw. I am lucky to have real friends and family who care for me. I pity him because at the end of the day, he only has himself. I am everything he is not, which maybe the reason why he kept me around- to feed off of my good energy. There is a part of me that wants him to know how badly he hurt me, but I question if he can even fathom that amount of pain and suffering.
I am much wiser now, but this was a brutal life lesson. Always listen to that little voice inside of yourself, telling you that something isnt right, because that is called SELF PRESERVATION. Sometimes you have to see people for what they really are, not what you think they are, not only the parts of them you choose to acknowledge, because those bad aspects and good aspects are the SAME PERSON and they aren’t separable.
It has made it easier realizing that I was dealing with a sociopath. Now i can attribute his unexplainable behavior to something concrete, and I know that his problems have nothing to do with me.
Writing about this has been such a therapeutic experience for me and I think it will help me to heal. This has been very long but I hope people read it through and through, carefully, and hopefully this will help someone to not experience such a traumatizing end to what they thought may have been the relationship of a lifetime.
Hi Christina,
Thank you for sharing your story. What a horrible, painful, humiliating experience to go through. I can feel your pain in what you write. What you need to do now, to move forward is to establish No Contact. Which means blocking him. Block his email. Block his phone and Block him from all social networking sites. Betrayal is the worst type of pain. You feel stabbed in the heart and the back, at the same time (this is how it felt for me). It sounds like you are still in a sense of shock at what has happened. That is normal too. I want you to know that you can heal and recover from this. Realistically would you want to be with a liar for the rest of your life? Also, as he has cheated on you – he will cheat on her too. It sounds as if you have supportive family and friends around you. Read my posts that are at the top of this page in the drop down boxes. Welcome to the site!!! 🙂
Positivagirl,
Thank you so much for your support and kind words, it means the world to me right now. I will read your posts, hopefully you have some advice about how to heal from this type of ordeal. ps. I have established no contact, and I plan to keep it that way at all costs!
Thank you again
Sincerely,
Chrissy
@ Chrissy
“Sometimes you have to see people for what they really are, not what you think they are, not only the parts of them you choose to acknowledge, because those bad aspects and good aspects are the SAME PERSON and they aren’t separable.”
—————-
Well said. To even be with them a minute past some of the bad things we learn about them (lying is generally among the first discoveries), we have to be talented ourselves at compartmentalizing them. But you are so right—the good aspects and the very bad aspects are of the same person. Worse, the “good” aspects may be feigned and not genuine.
I’m sorry for you that this guy was such a fool…but he’s better suited to the quality level of the chick who would willingly share his bed while knowing about you, and not caring. While I believe we should forgive and have compassion, the benefit of No Contact is that it keeps us safe from further mental, emotional or potential physical repercussions. And honestly, I have not read a single story on this site yet about a guy I wouldn’t file under the category of “Simply NOT Worth It”.
Jusagurl,
I completely agree! though it is difficult to flip your perception of someone in such a short time, it’s crucial to understand that the person you think you know, sometimes turns out to be the exact opposite, and we deserve better! Im so thankful for your kind words, truly.
Best
Chrissy
Chrissy….
I’m very sorry to hear of the pain that you’re going through. While I’m much older than you, your situation is so similar to what I’ve gone through. Let me say that the best thing you can do is have No Contact. He is a liar and a cheater….do you really want that in your life? Even if he came crawling back, it’s all a game….you would live your life looking over your shoulder – and that’s exactly what you shouldn’t be doing. He will not change. What he’s done to you, he’ll do to his next victim.
Stay strong. It takes times to heal. I’ve gone through what you’re going through and have healed. Do the work and you’ll end up much stronger and wiser!
Stay strong my friend….
carolann
Carolann,
Probably one of the hardest things to accept is that I was not loved the way I thought I was loved. This is the most poignant aspect of this entire calamity. However, the point you made is true, and offers some relief: it was not me, it was him; I most likely was not the first, and I will not be the last.
Thank you so much for taking time to read and respond.
Sincerely
Christina
Hi Chrissy,
My heart goes out to you because this EXACT same thing happened to me with sociopath #1. I was so in love with him and I was about your age at the time as well. But in my case, the girl was actually his best friend’s girlfriend. What a piece of trash! I went over one night to introduce him to my best friend who had just arrived in town and went over to his house and he wouldn’t open the door. I knew he was in there, but I didn’t know with who until later that evening. I wanted to throw up from the stress and heartache that I was feeling. The feeling of betrayal was so very painful and I was furious as well. I saw a brake drum from his car lying on the ground and threw it through his window. He called the police on me and I felt so horrible, like I’d been trampled on like I was nothing. I had to pay for the window and my mother told me to “just get that window fixed and be done with him for good”. What wisdom she had. Did I obey it? No, he was still in my system and I didn’t have enough of him and wasn’t ready to give him up. I took him back and we were together for 26 years total (off and on with me not being strong enough to let go). Over the years, he constantly tore my heart into little pieces, but if I’d only listened to her words and kept the No Contact rule back then (no matter HOW much it hurt) I would have saved myself an immense amount of hurt and pain in the future. You are a very bright young lady and you are obviously too smart to have someone like him in your life. I know you’re going thru shock and disbelief right now, but it will pass, I promise. Please learn from this and stick with No Contact as if your life depended on it. It will save you in the end.
Please, please, please, be smarter than I was.
You deserve much better than what he had to offer (which was nothing).
Be strong
afosterchild,
I think I’m going to print this out and read it every day. I’m so sorry that you spent such a big chunk of your time on someone who was not worth a fraction of it. I will learn from you, and not break the no contact rule. My mom gave me exact same advice. I really hope you are in a better and healthier place in your life, and that you’ve found happiness with yourself, because I know that is the arduous task that lays in front of us after something like this happens.
Thank you for sharing your story and giving me great advice 🙂 It reinforces the only and best options that I have to ensure a bright and happy future!
Best
Chrissy
@ Chrissy – welcome to our world!!! And I’m sorry that you’ve had to live through this, and I know I am not the only one who will say that most of us have gone through something VERY similar. Actually reading your post is eerily similar to my experience, and it was the most confusing thing I have ever gone through. BUT – you are strong, and you know you have support on this site… Good luck.
Darling
Thank you for your support. I feel SO much better after reading everyone’s responses. I feel that my emotions and actions are validated and that gives me motivation to move past this!
Best
Christina
This is broken. Can someone out there reach out to me. I thought I was making progress, but this weekend all I could do is think about her..the sociopath.
I guess I just can’t cope with being dumped so ruthlessly. All I can think of is her bweing with another, whihc i realize was what was going on all along.
We are here. It’s an addiction, the parts of your brain that hold this woman dear, and like any addiction, it is tough to shake, and there may even be a relapse in there. But when it’s time to heal, you reach out, and your support group answers. My best advice to you, and granted, this is only through my own experiences can I relate it, is every time that you SOC crosses your mind, and you feel that urge to reach out to her, come here and pick an article. I have read your previous posts, and know you are a strong man, fully aware of the right choices to make. I consider myself the same way. I have told my friends, the ones that will listen anyway, that I do know the right choice, and I know the demon I face, but for a very long time I could not make the right choice, and she preyed upon my mind. I came to understand that reaching out to her, was what she wanted of me. Your SOC is no different than anyone else’s here, Broken. She is a liar, she is a control freak, and she lacks the empathy needed to succeed in the real world. I can’t make you stop thinking of her, and I can’t offer any words of wisdom to make her go away from your mind. But I can tell you this with all certainty, if you make that step towards her, you will find yourself hurt in the end. Again. Be strong, do what you know to be right, take a breath. Men, in general, suffer the sin of pride heavier than any other. We really have a difficult time accepting that a girlfriend can choose another over us. With the Female Sociopath, we are even more smitten. This woman told us she loved us, she told us she needed us, she told us we completed her. How can she do the things she does, if what she said were true? The answer is obvious, she cannot tell the truth. My own SOC did something the past few weeks that was directed at me, specifically, and it did bother me, alot. But there was no way in Hell I was going to give her the satisfaction of knowing it bothered me at all. Be strong, just say no. It will pass. It won;t pass right away, and it is going to sting on its way out. But there is life past her. Someone out there will be there and she will answer those questions truthfully.
Thanks so much Scapperk. I really needed to here those things. Its bizarre. I have everything to be thankful for right now. I’m the front man for a local funk/blues band (Music art & fitness are my passions), both of my sons are successful happy youngsters in school & socially, I have healthy friendships, and I have a great job. My friends, particularly my female friends who grew up with this SOC have been talking me out of the relationship ever since it started. They admit that, yes she is beautiful and attractive, but has always been a bit weird and a lot crazy.
Thanks for responding. You’re a good dude.
You know, it continues to amaze me how alike everyone’s SOC is, in their actions, emotions, conversation, and even others around them. Like you, I was warned off by people that knew her for years before I fell, as I fell, and even as I struggled to break free of her. They knew, they tried to tell me, but I was immune. Or so I thought. The other thing you mentioned in another comment was the sex. I asked my SOC once about our lovemaking. She replied to me that she was more like a guy in that regard. When she was done it was over. I always considered that a challenge, and imagined me being the guy that took her places she had never been before. Then I learned about SOC’s and realized that indeed, it really is all about them. We, their partners, are just necessary attachments to the act.
Keep believing that whatever she has told you to break you down, are simply her own attempts to maintain a position of power. Be bigger, smarter and wiser.
Hi Broken,
Rejection and abandonment is so difficult to cope with. And can be so painful. You can torture your own mind by focusing on her, and what is happening in her life and world.
Have you ever quit smoking? I know I use this analogy a lot. It really is like that. You know in the beginning it is tough, but you expect it to be tough…. you are resolved to why you are quitting smoking….
You think that you are doing well, then suddenly 3 weeks down the line, those pangs start again. They can be overwhelming. You are forgetting why you chose to quit.
It is now time to go back to the lists. Can you remember when I said write 3 lists. (if you didn’t or you don’t have access to these lists now is a great time to start)
List one – All the bad things that she did to you
List two – All the reasons WHY you are better off without her –
List three – all the things that you can do without her in your life.
Read the post ‘take off your rose coloured glasses’…. this is your mind playing tricks. You are in charge of your mind and it can play tricks.
Also (if you are not spiritual this can sound a bit far out)… but if she is in your thoughts suddenly, it could be this is because she is thinking of you!! tuning into your energy – (see the post how to cut the chords that bind you)…
I know the betrayal is painful. But please dont think that she is having a great time with someone else. Just think that other person is now her victim – whilst you are FREE!!!!
Believe me, she will do the same to the next victim (and probably worse) than she did to you.
Thanks so much Positivagirl, I will most definitely read those posts. And yes I am spiritual & highly intuitive…and yes I do feel like her predator mind tunes into me from time to time. I’m sure the arrogant, lazy brat is licking her paws saying….”He’ll call…he always does.” But I won’t.
Rose coloured glasses: The thing I keep getting my emotions hung up on is the sex. I’ve already accepted that she has screwed around on me..and the madness passes when I think of it. ITs more like the sexual attraction. But when I think of it, she never a very “giving” or “interesting” sexual partner. Infact, she seemed like she was more in her own ecstasy- trance and not even there when we had sex. But, she oddly prudish when it came to doing things most couples do when they make love. However, when she talked about her “mouse” and other paraphernalia it was like talking to a self-centered nymph. Her true bond when having sex was with her toys, never me. Again, when looking back at the truth, I realize my memories of “good comfortable sex with her” are fraudulent, much like her. I still remember her first and foremost comment to me when we first had sex. She looked at me with these predator eyes and calmly, emotionlessly stated, “I usually scare guys. Do I scare you?”
Positiva, I saw her the other day. I could feel the energy shifting to a wierd void, but held firm that I was talking to someone less than human. She sat blank faced and explained to me that everything I view as a strength in my persona, was a weakness and the reason the relationship ended. The only things she was positive about were my looks and my musical/artistic talent and my kissing.
She calmly explained to me that my jealousy pissed her off. I explained to her that she gave me reasons to be jealous:
-why does my girlfriend have to be the only girl downstairs getting high with guys at a house party….
-why does my girlfriend have to point out that a guy at the party is her ideal of a “dream fuck.”)
-I remember her dissappearing for 3 or 4 days off the radar..no explanation offered. When I confronted her she became enraged.
She said your too insecure to me, but then contradicted herself and stated that my personality is too strong for her. I thought it was interesting to listen to her contradict herself like that. As it turns out, everyone that grew up with her knows she is nuts, and they finally let me in on the secret.
Her parting words were, “I just want to do whatever I want and its never anything wrong, you just think they are cuz you’re jealous of how strong I am.” Her shallow mind searched deeper for more words to put some kind of profound closure on her thesis. She then said, “I just want to answer to anyone…I’m a BOLD GIRL…a NOT SHUTUP GIRL”
I’m not sure how she is measuring her strength. She lives off her mother (so do her kids including her socipathic 23 yr. old son), collects welfare, and holds a minimum wage job and spends all her money on herself doing/buying “fun things” such as weekend flights out of town and cosmetics.
as I got up to leave, I looked at her…all the makeup off, hair desheveled…her demeaner both masculine and feminine at the same time….a total parasite who cares about no one. I finally had a new thought.
I felt sorry for her.
Hi Broken 🙂
Once you see who they really are behind the mask, you do feel sorry for them as they are quite pathetic really.
When you list all of the weird stuff they do etc…you see their disorder & think ‘omg’ how did I ever have a relationship with you, your unbalanced!
Yep, that was my light bulb moment, when the full extent of my Soc’s depravity/evil/controlling/manipulating ways were on full display & I looked at him & thought ‘wow, what a sad empty person you truly are’.
I moved forward & don’t care anymore although I still get annoyed at myself for being so duped for so long but, that’s in the past & we really don’t need to dwell there anymore 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@Pheonix, Thanks for the feedback. One of the epiphanies of observing her the other night was how utterly difficult it is for her to even acknowledge that she has character flaws, let alone the depth of them. I calmly pointed out to her that I’m positive she isn’t phychotic, so she must be aware of the demeaning/callous statements she makes. I also pointed out that people usually don’t repeatedly say and do such unwarranted cruel things unless they are just plain mean and want to wound people.
I also pointed out that I remember the days she did those things toward me and that my memory is clear that I had done nothing to deserve them. She barely acknowledged her actions, let alone take responsibility for them. She just gets this distainful look on her face and disgusted tone in her voice and gives some lame excuse..or more likely puts the blame on me. Its usually not becasue she is in some deep shameful place. It’s usually because she is just too fucking lazy to give a shit.
What a pathetic bitch. Sad thing is, her kids are all the same way
Hello,
Firstly, I would like to thank you very much for creating this site, because it’s amazing and really helpful. Secondly, I am afraid I need your help. My story is a bit different from those people send here because I’ve never really been dating a sociopath but I have fallen in love with one, who I used to consider my best friend. After finding out she was a Sociopath I’ve started studying everything about them, which only confirmed what I had been thinking. And I don’t know what to do now as there is nobody to whom I could talk about it as everyone here sees Sociopaths only as something what really exist only on TV in BBC Sherlock or Dexter series etc.
I met that girl when I was about 15, which means five or six year ago in the art class. We went to some exhibition, which was totally boring, so we started talking to each other and had fun. After that we were meeting at school, just occasionally saying hello to each other, but then, about two years ago, (I don’t remember this part of the story very well as I used to be depressed, broken and empty after what had happened to me – my brother’s death, breaking up with a girlfriend, loosing a good friend, and some other previous losses – actually after reading you page I’ve recently started to think that my first boyfriend was Socio too, but that’s another story – all combined with my introvert and depressive personality, vulnerability, shyness…) she just came to me one day, asking if I could ask one of my classmates to meet her, that he has really interesting face and she would like to draw him. I arranged them a meeting and she seemed to be quite obsessed with him – calling to him, meeting him, talking about him all the time, etc (well, If I had known anything about Socios by that time, I could have found out the truth much earlier…) We were also meeting each other at school, and we used to spend breaks sitting in the hallway, talking, she reading me parts of her novel (I must say, that she’s incredibly good at writing, I love that story of hers), just having fun.
The first time we were together somewhere else than at school was, when we went to the university presentation, also with that classmate of mine and his friend as we all were very interested in that school, and after that we just started meeting regularly and understood each other very well although we are totally different (only the image of us walking down the street side by side is quite funny, as she has long brown hair, decent makeup, wears blouse, skirt, smart coat, leather handbag and I usually in torn up black jeans, leather jacket, rock band t-shirt, red punk haircut)…
But somehow we became good friends. I was happy to have somebody to talk to. She was enjoying my attention (as she’s never had many friends) and also having somebody who liked her novel. Later she told me about her quite morbid interest in dead animals, dissections and chemistry of drugs, but I didn’t mind at all – I liked that stuff too but never had a chance or patience to look deeper, so I’ve learned a lot from her.
About a half a year later we went together to the school trip to Paris, which was our first “big action”. Then in the summer I had to spend a week in hospital, where she was supporting me o lot by texting me a visiting me, so after that we spent a week in my family’s cottage, as I still wasn’t healthy enough to go anywhere else.
We were spending more and more time together but from time to time I found it a bit annoying, as she could be so selfish, self-centred and showing off all the time. We made many crazy plans together (such as going to our friend’s prom dressed up like men so that nobody could recognize us 😀 ). I was so happy to have somebody like her, I told all my friends about us (although I’ve never told them everything because we used to be pretty weird at times) but all of them told me, that they didn’t like her, that she was strange, some of them were even scared from her. And, unfortunately, I did not listen or care, as I’ve always loved weird things and people…
When I finished my high school in June, I’ve started attending another school in the capital city, where she lives and studies too, so since September we’ve been together almost every day. And then, out of the blue, I’ve found myself being in love with her. I couldn’t understand it, as she’s not really beautiful and as I am not gay (the girl I was dating before – we were 16 and crazy and I broke up with her, because I realized I can’t have a relationship like this with a girl, that I am not gay) and it was even weirder as I have known that she was asexual (I do believe this, she’s never been dating anyone). I have never told her that I fell for her but I am afraid she recognized it immediately as it might have been her plan all the time. Then she’s started teaching me about people’s behaviour and body language. She knew everything about it and I have always wanted to learn. At first I was very grateful for that, but only until I realized that when she knows all that stuff, she must have been watching, observing and studying me all the time, which scared me.
Few weeks later she just openly TOLD ME SHE WAS A SOCIOPATH (I still don’t understand why would anyone like her do that – my last idea is that she did so to impress me and make me learn about Socios – which I did – to find out how powerful she is, to scare me – which also works – but still knowing I am too weak to leave her – which is, I am afraid, the truth too).
Well, I must admit, that in the beginning I really was impressed and wanted to be like her – be able to read people like an open book, be able to get what I want, gain that immense self-confidence etc. I started studying books about body language and such a stuff so that I could, on the one hand, read people too and on the other hand avoid showing her too much of how I feel or what I think.
Then, two weeks ago we went with our art class for a weekend trip, she and I having loads of crazy plans to do there but I just couldn’t be where she was. As I was the only one there who knew the truth about her, I could see how she was showing off all the time to get an attention of other people and to impress them, then manipulate and play with them. I was so angry (and a bit jealous too…) so I spent most of the time hanging around in the forest on my own or sitting by a fireplace and drawing whilst telling her that I was worrying about my dad, who was in hospital because he had almost cut off three of his fingers on a circular saw two days before we left.
When I came home I’ve started to study various websites about Socios in general and about dealing with them and I came across this website. I read a lot of articles here and found out that although I thought I could be a friend of sociopath (the feeling of love slowly faded away after that weekend) or I could try to fight against her (I know, even bigger nonsense) it is actually really dangerous for me. I’ve been hurt so many times in my life so that I know what is it like and I don’t want to undergo it again. I have never been really abused by her, she didn’t steal anything from me or used my as a sponsor (just a little from time to time), she didn’t really get me away from my friends but I know she can destroy me mentally. She wasn’t talking to me last week, as she had to do something for her school (but did she really need to study…?) so I had time to think about it all. And I am feeling profoundly miserable now. When she told me she was a Socio, she also told me that I am the only person who had stayed by her side for so long so that I am kind of special for her (which I believe is truth, although I’ve read here that this is exactly what they say). And I don’t know what to do now. We met yesterday in the art class for few hours and had fun again with an old violin and it was just great. It was the first time we met after a week and I had been so scared before went there. I don’t know if she recognized it and I don’t know what are her intentions with me now.
As I wrote in the beginning, I can’t talk about it to my friends or family so I am writing it here. I know what will your advice be, but I might need to hear it directly. I might need somebody to tell me “GET AWAY FROM HER RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!“ because I am not sure if I want to leave her. She can behave well when she’s with me and she’s never really done anything bad to me, but after reading this page I know it’s not a good idea to be a friend with the Socio. But she’s all I have. I’ve learned so much from her and I am afraid of the loneliness and even more of what she will do if I leave her. I know it will set me free but I am scared from the emptiness that will come with it. I know the truth about her so I might be able to avoid being manipulated to the situations where I don’t want to be (well…can I?) I just don’t know what to do now.
Today, I only have three days to finish and get together artworks I am sending to entering exams to university I want to study, but instead of that I am lying in my bad, crying, chain-smoking and writing this, because I am really desperate. Please… help me.
I think that they can have people that are special to them. I stayed friends with my ex for a long long time. However doesn’t mean they won’t threaten, exploit and stitch you up. They will. I cannot tell you to get away from her. This is your choice. As long as you know that there likely will be a time that she will do something bad to you. How bad really depends. So say if you got a girlfriend and she was jealous. She could destroy that for you. Sociopaths don’t like anyone else touching their property. She likely does see you as someone that she owns that she can manipulate and control. The fact that you say you fear emptimess without her shows how much control she has over you. Do you know she only mirrors you. Borrows a part of your own personality and reflects it back to you.
Positvagirl, this mirroring fascinates me, and explains many of my ex-soc’s mannerisms and actions in our relationship. IN the early part she used to literally look at my eyes and face in an almost ecstacy state. She would be following ….tracking my eyes and facial expressions as I talked. I found it endearing and cute and told her so. I didn’t understand it when she became hostile. I wrote it off as self-consciousness. I told to not be self-conscious around me, but she oddly resented it. I cried when a military friend I served with committed suicide as she sat there transfixed on my eyes and face as I balled my eyes out. She didn’t comfort me at all..just sat there tranfixed. She then announced she didn’t know what to say and not to dwell on it. Christ it had just happened. On etime she cried and I tried to comfort her. She said to leave her alone & not to get all emotional. I was confused. I said I was just tryign to comfort her. SHe coldly stated that “it felt good when the tears came out.”
She started bringing over art she had made in art class (she is a teachers aide). She liked my art & I know now she was mimicking me as an artist. Some of her work was hauntingly cute & touching. Some of it was childish.
Yes the mirroring is quite incredible when you look back.
Yes, I can see it now, that she’s mirroring me but not all the time. I think that as she is only 20 ,like me, she’s not good enough at it yet, that she’s not able to wear the mask all the time (it is possible for the Socio..?).
Today I feel much better as I could let it all out in wtiting- thank you again for creating this website!!!!, but I don’t know what will come next, because it can never be the same. I can’t stand her but I can’t be without her,either. She’s the only interesting person in my life, although she’s not real. Why the hell everyone I meet in my life must be a kind of bastard?!
yksinkuu….SHe is not all you have. You have your art & very real dream of studying art at the university level. I agree with Pos. Sh ewill most definately exploit you down the road now that she sees you as vulnerable. Don’t let her do it. Get out of bed and get your work done even if you have to do it robotically.
hi all,thank god ive found this today,reading through has helped me eat for the first time in a week.my story: met my s after 16 yr marriage ended,he totally charmed me at my lowest and i fell deeply in love.2 months in he tried to end stating my earnings werent enough to help him fullfill his aspirations,i begged and was hooked by this time and was granted a stay.the following 2 years saw him manipulate all my friends out of my life,he has none,was left out when i did anything without him.i craved his approval and love and was rewarded when i conformed to total adulation.im ashamed to say he was put before my own children,family and friends.i left everyone to go to him for company,cook meals,sex was incredible.then a friend found his profile on dating sites,huge row,to which he said they were old and i was paranoid so i was beaten down and forgave.after 3 years he bought an old renovation house so lived with me for a year whilst we worked on it,when he moved in and mine was sold i was never asked there,since moved twice and still no offer,just me toing and froing to care for him.after 4 years i pushed for commitment,he backed off saying hed been too hurt by divorce,havnt we all,but i assured him id be there forever and he reluctantly agreed to get engaged xmas day,i was overjoyed.boxing day he called it off stating id cornered him and he had rocks in his tummy,i was devastated and humiliated and left.after days couldnt cope without my lifeline and went back again to find hed written a dating profile for his next victim.i too forgave that as it was my fault for pushing him….the ring at purchase time went in my name as he couldnt get credit as lost his job but assured to pay me each month.i moved in 3 months ago finally allowed,my daughter refused to come after the engagement scenario and so i began 5 weeks of torment between my duty as mother and dependence on him.my mum was at that time too diagnosed with cancer which totally broke me down.he pulled right away and i moved out so my daughter would come back.this was obviously defiance in his eyes and i was punished by horrid behaviour and indifference to my crying and fear of loosing mum.i have now been in my house 2 weeks and he cut all contact except for 3 character assassination texts and has ignored my pleas for support over mum.hes vanished from my life and has put himself on a dating site again,which made me sick blaming me for everything.this man has consumed my every waking thought,taken my life,i dont no who i am anymore,am lost in pain and terror,eventually seeking medical support to cope.i couldnt make sense of all the love and promises that were so obviously lies but i just cant accept after 5 years i can be disposed of without a backwards glance.its destroyed me.i cant sleep,eat or function without him being in my head i feel like im dying.i wish i could feel anger but it wont come….i havnt made contact though which im proud of more out of fear of more punishment and rejection…he hasnt attempted to contact me now atall so there doesnt seem to be the trying a way back scenario,probably grooming the next victim with a better bank balance.he has cancelled the payments to me also so im left with debt i cant afford but will not ask again,have once and its been ignored.just want this pain to go away its intolerable and just cant accept i wasnt loved atall,just a means to an end….atleast reading here is giving me a little comfort and strength that i now have to realise who he really is its not my fault and i have fallen in love with a monster.will never trust my own judgement again..
Mel….
I’m very sorry to hear how you’re feeling. The sadness, pain and heartbreak are horrific, to say the least. The best thing you can do now is remain No Contact and work on yourself and why you’d even want this person in your life. You deserve so much better.
He won’t change. What he’s done to you, he’ll do to his next victim. The cycle will continue.
It takes time to heal. You need to read, study, journal, cry, talk and work through this. No Contact is the best way to go…trust me on this.
Stay strong my friend. You can do this.
carolann
@positiva girl
I wanted to share with you here one recent example of sociopathic mirroring. One of my colleagues which I lately recognized as sociopath told me many times before (now we are not so close) how during college and university studying she never had time to go out, have fun because it was such a serious and demanding study so all her time was spent on studying… She said that because she was mirroring me – I know that now because since I became “sociopath aware” I wanted to check up on her.. so just lately I secretly listened to her conversation to one of her college friends and she was telling that woman how those college days were the only really good days, how they were having party, fun etc, she was mentioning some names, crazy things they were doing…. Its amazing how they can mimic totally opposite personalities… of course they compartmentalize their social activities so that you don’t know about it… what sick persons.
Yes they do compartmentalise everyone. Keeping everything seperate so that nobody will catch up with their lies.
I’ve been dating this guy for 6 months. When i met him i knew he was a “snake charmer” and could be very manipulative but i thought it was light hearted. It took him a while to warm up and get close to me because he told me he had an older lady take advantage of him as a young teen and it lasted for several years. But after a while we started sleeping together and he’d want to cuddle with me. He asks me to do favors for him constantly. He always says he’d be happy to return favors but i’m not quick to ask for help. He generally seems like kind of a cold person. About 3 months ago i started getting paranoid that he was texting other girls so i checked his phone and he indeed was sending sexual texts to multiple people. I should have broken up with him then ( i almost did) but he promised me nothing was going on and he would never do it again. I believed him about not having sex with other people because he constantly wants to be around me. He wouldn’t have the time.I forgave him but i have been very paranoid about it. Recently, he lied to me. I knew it was a lie but he tried so hard to make me believe him. Almost to the point where i was doubting myself. I finally got him to admit that he lied but i knew something was wrong with him. that night i checked his phone again and sure enough he was still sending texts. i confronted him about it and he said that he doesn’t have any intention on persuing these girls but he likes the self esteem boost.I’m not a moron. I know that is complete BS but somehow i ended up forgiving him because i’m in love with him. ( on a side-note i told him i loved him and he didn’t say it back because he doesn’t want to rush into anything) Last night my sister says casually to me ” he’s totally a sociopath, you can just tell” i started looking up stuff on it, and i ended up finding this. I’m about 90% sure he is. I don’t want to be delusional but i don’t know what to do. My heart hurts so bad because i can’t imagine my life without him. What should i do? I don’t want to be strung along while he uses me. If he’s using me? With all the information, is he a sociopath? And if so, what should i do?
@Ashley
Unfortunately, your experience is textbook. You’d be surprised how much a sociopath can fit into a 24-hr period. They don’t sleep a lot, whether due to boredom or lack of desire to be alone with themselves. But, I’d be willing to bet he leaves you to go “visit” the others.
As far as the “favors”, these are manipulation checkpoints to keep you under his control. If you stopped doing what he asked, you’d find him very annoyed and, perhaps, absent. Sociopaths loved to be loved. And, since you’re not asking for anything back that is costing him much, he’d love that.
If they are texting a lot and their phone is blowing up in your presence? There are others—probably many others—on standby, and in different stages of relationship involvement with them.
The withholding of anything (including the “I love you”) is a manipulation in itself. He know he “has” you at that point, and from there, with a sociopath, they have all the advantage. As yourself why you are slow to ask him to help or do things for you. They are talented at making victims feel like they are doing them a favor just by gracing us with their presence.
Recommendation: RUN
@Ashley
I really feel for you, I know what it’s like, but I agree with Jusagurl. As soon as you ask this guy for anything that he doesn’t want to give (i.e. to be accountable and honest, and to be “present” with you) he’ll leave. (by pursuing other women, he sort of already has. the writing is on the wall)He’s a liar and you know it. SO, do it – ditch him. You don’t need this jackass in your life.
AND – the constant texting is a definite sign, trust me. I used to get really annoyed, but I would never check his phone. Knowing what I know now, I would have gotten into his phone. It would have saved me months of being used by the douchebag. (maybe it’s not nice, but it’s true). I thought my guy wouldn’t have the time to see anyone else, but GUESS WHAT??? He not only had the time, he had the time to woo another woman enough to get engaged and married within 13 weeks of breaking up with me. Soooo, don’t buy the guilt trips – it’s just pure manipulation to deflect attention away from his wrongdoing.
And while I understand that you love him and told him so, he’s using that against you.
@Darling
Well said too! They are pathological cheaters, they can’t be with anyone really, that’s why they “are” with tonnes of them. Now when I remember my ex spath the only thing that I feel is disgust, phew …I remember what a pervert porn addict he secretly is and a pathological liar. Phew! I guess that fake picture of him with which he brain washed me has finally evaporated … no contact is the only way !
Don’t worry about the label, but please do something about this “relationship”. He is using you, he doesn’t reciprocate the love you are giving to him, he is being disrecpectful with you. You are looking for a way that he validates you, the only one who can validate you is yourself getting far far away from this abusive person.
@ Positiva Girl, I just read about the “Clare Law” that your country approved. This is a law that allows the new partners of a domestic violence accused to have access to their files. I don’t know how useful the law will be to those who decide to look for the other part of the story, but maybe at least they will be aware. My ex have a big criminal file, he told me part of it, some to justify his actions, others to show me how much he has changed, on another ones he didn’t say anything. When I was trying to made sense of this crazyness I made a search on the internet, paid the fee and saw on amazement more than 60 criminal charges, from bad checks, disorderly conduct, driving under the influence, exposing himself on a public place, domestic violence, and child abuse (he beats one of his sons), two bankruptcy, he has moved more than 18 times on 20 years, he had 3 divorces (he told me of just one). I was not able to saw what those files said, but to me they said a lot. Sadly I decided to stay (always with the wishful thinking that with me everything will be different, that maybe some of his explanations are truth, that maybe he is hiding some of his past because he was ashamed). I wanted so much to be the difference, that I was unable to see how wrong I was.
To all of you who are still struggling to accept the reality of their Pinnochio, to all of you that are still struggling to make sense of your loved one crazyness, to all of you who are still struggling to make the decision of no contact, PLEASE…TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. THESE KIND OF PEOPLE EXIST, THEY ARE REAL THEY ARE CRUEL, BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO BE PART OF THEIR WORLD. EMBRACE YOURSELF TO A BETTER Tomorrow far far away from these kind of people.
Hi NMI 🙂
I had a fantastic holiday & all is good. My daughter had a car accident last week but, is ok now (really lucky) her angels were out in full force 🙂
You are so right to want everyone here to take heed & remove themselves from the Sociopath games.
No more smoke & mirrors for us ever, just real people with real hearts & not pretend Sociopaths with no heart 😉
Take care & be strong as usual, you have come a long long way with us here & we value your input 🙂
Love & Light Always 🙂
PR xoxo
@jusagurl
Well said! That’s exactly how it is!
Thank you! You just put a big smile on my face and my heart. Thank you!
I have been reading for hours now. I will try to make it short:
1. Two years with a much older married man who promised me everything (including, of course, divorce, in due time; his wife mistreated him badly, in his words). One month after the beginning he was not only calling me “the love of his life”, but also suggested the possibility of having a child of our own.
2. Her wife discovered the affair. He left me ten days after, without not even giving me the chance of a face to face encounter. His wife, he said now, was the true love of her life.
3. Two years have passed now. I still feel depresed and unable to even the slightest hope.
4. He doesn´t answer my messages or emails anymore. I am pretty sure he has completely forgotten me.
5. And worst of all, I behaved miserably: harassed him, checked his emails, called his wife, even his childres, to let them know who their spouse/father was.
I feel doubly humiliated: because I was cheated and abandoned, and because my reaction was morally unacceptable. I couldn’t but ask myself, while reading your posts, if I too was a sociopath. Please, people out there, help.
Hi , no your reactions are not one of a sociopath for a start they font feel humiliation. They dont care or experience this feeling!!! You habe to stop emailing dont look at his things. Establish no contact. Keep to this. This should start to help you. Know that what has happened is not your fault.
Two years is a long time to carry this around with you. While your self-view is understandable and it is good that you have these standards for yourself, I think you have to forgive yourself. These type relationships are not normal in any way. They push against every boundary we have for ourselves. Because you didn’t respond, in this once instance, in coordination with your standards doesn’t mean you are a failure or should be punished for the remainder of your life.
So you harassed him, called his wife and family. He had no qualms about ruining you. He completely disrespected you or your feelings in any way. The just side of you was wounded by this and wanted justice, which, by the way, is another part of your strong sense of morality.
Your reaction to what he did does not make you like him, not even close. While you’re at it, forgive yourself for believing and trusting him. I have a feeling you must be pretty angry with yourself to hang onto this for so long. You didn’t deserve this and it doesn’t “make” you into anything—you are still you. I know it’s easy to think that you’ve seen the worst side of yourself and not liked that, but you obviously have some very positive qualities that outweigh this one out-of-character reaction.
Please cut yourself a break. I applaud you for holding yourself to a high standard; it would be a better world if more people did so. But at this point, you are continuing his pattern of abuse… against yourself, and it is not necessary and you don’t deserve it. Wishing you well, in every sense.
Positiva, Jusagurl,
Why so long? After two years I still miss him, though I still wish him the worst. Why? I think the answer has to do with the “mirror hypothesis”. But the “mirror hypothesis” is a tricky one. Why should one see the best of her/himself only through the eyes of a socio? Why doesn`t other people`s eyes feel so reassuring as the socio’s?
What has happened to me? Why on earth do I still feel this pain after two years? Why do I feel so miserable because I know he thinks I’m miserable?
I didn’t specify in my previous post that when I first knew him I was married to a wonderful man. I divorced him for the socio. I feel guilty for that, guilty for the children we had in common, guilty for falling so madly in love for the socio, and guilty for my reaction to his breakup.
You ask why do other people’s eyes not feel as reassuring as the socios? This is for many reasons. 1. Normal people aren’t faking it. 2. Normal people are not manipulating you 3. Normal people are not focusing on making you the centre of their world (their prime target in other words) you feel so miserable two years later because you are still holding onto him and won’t let go. I think your final paragraph is where true pain lies.
In your mind you would prefer to believe that the illusion was real, than to come to terms with the truth that you left your husband and the pain that caused to both your husband and your children.
To move forward you need to forgive yourself. If you are still struggling with this 2 years later, professional therapy really could help you.
It isn’t about the sociopath, it is about learning to forgive you.
That`s probably true, Positiva. I have to come to terms with the fact that I left a true relationship (with all its deficiencies, but still true) for nothing. And, specially, I have to understand with I was so deluded. Why did I need so badly his gaze. It is as if he and only he could “see” me, or within me. That`s how I felt then. And, I am so sorry to recognize, how I still feel now. If I could only see he didn`t see me at all (I do theoretically,emphasis added) , or if I could see his “seeing” me then (and not “seeing” me now), does not add or substract to my self, I might heal. But, helas, I am paralized, unable to trust my reasonning nor my intuition. I am sort of kidnapped by his mind.
Do you, do someone understand this, or am I plainly crazy?
No you are not crazy. The sociopath saw an opportunity (they are opportunists). He likely saw all of the deficiencies in your relationship (maybe you told him) to lure you. This is perhaps why it seemed so ‘pperfect’ an illusion that you struggle to move on from.
I do think, from what you say that this is more about you. Pain within you. Feeling foolish, feeling that you let people down and hurt them (for what?).
You really can fix and heal this. But I would strongly recommend you seeing a professional counsellor or therapist to work through how you are feeling. Use this as an opportunity for wisdom. Nobody is perfect we all make mistakes. I really do think key with you is self forgiveness. And dealing with betrayal. Also possibly some self haunting that you perhaps deserved this (maybe the socio said this to you?). A therapist will help you with those thoughts and help you to find peace within you and peace of mind.
Positiva,
It`s past midnight here in Europe and I am so tired. I`ll come back tomorrow when try to answer with a clearer mind. But let me tell you and Jusagurl: thank you. Thank you.
No thank you. Every person that shares their story will help someone else, who will see their own story and the similarity. Thank you for being part of the site 🙂
@Rut
Two years is a lot of blame and guilt. Do you think you’ve suffered enough for your sins? Sometimes, I think we are much harder on ourselves than God ever intended. You were deceived; the timing was apparently right for your vulnerability. I agree with Positiva, about the therapy and the self-forgiveness.
It’s interesting that the questions that you pose are about his “seeing” you. I think that is really the crux of the issue. Why is anyone else needed to validate you so much that you were willing to risk everything? I’d start with your early years and, from that frame of reference, ask yourself the tough questions you mention. You can trust you. It sounds like you didn’t think your own opinion mattered when this happened though as you were looking outside yourself?
A smart woman (which you probably are) would also question her own role in the marriage deficiencies. And, since you seem pretty hard on yourself, it makes sense why you have been stuck for so long. This is not irrecoverable. You did not commit the unpardonable sin, although I know it must feel that way.
Do as Positiva suggests and see if you can’t get some help working it all through, because you’re really kidnapped by your own mind, but you can come out of this.
Great comment Jusa 🙂
I sent you an email so, talk soon & I hope your doing well 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Rut,
You are not crazy, that’s what the effect of being with a Sociopath has on you, you doubt everything including yourself 😦
I was duped for 10 years by my maniac Soc & it’s been a hell of an eye opener as I never ever knew such a creature existed. I knew there were some very cruel people around & have seen a lot but, I never realised what a sociopath was until now or how they operated among us 😦
Still we all know better now, thanks to Pos’s amazing site & the way she writes so fluently & eerily accurate. I used to read a post & think, OMG how did she do that, how does she now so much about my life with my Soc.
Once I realised they are literally like an epidemic the world over, I was flabbergasted yet, relieved, I wasn’t alone.
So never give up & remember who you are. Your real & worthy & do not deserve such mistreatment ever.
Soc’s don’t care so, you must find your way out, to care for the one person you can trust, yourself 🙂 🙂 You can do this 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Rut….
I’d like to share that much like you, I left a good man for a soc who was also married and had been a “friend” of mine for about eight years. He left his wife about a year after I left my husband. We did end up together, at least most of the time. There were a number of red flags very early on, but I completely ignored them as I thought I was so in love with this man….surely he must be better than his lies. Well, about four years later I found out he was the sociopath he is…..so many lies, so much deceit and manipulation. I found out about a year after we were apart that he had been seeing someone for months while we were still living together. I was truly broken, yet found it hard to get him out of my mind. It took what seemed like a long time, but I no longer care or have any feelings for him whatsoever.
I, too, felt very guilty for a long time as to the hurt I caused my ex-husband. But having done much soul searching and healing, I have forgiven myself. I apologized to my ex-husband a number of times, but realize now that if he chooses not to forgive me, there is nothing more I can do. I’ve always considered myself a really good person….but I allowed myself to get sucked into the sociopathic relationship…..not having any clue what I was in for. While I’ve made my mistakes, I’ve also become much stronger and wiser as a result.
Since suffering the horrific ending of my relationship with the sociopath, I’ve spent time learning about me. I searched long and hard for the inner peace I now feel. I am very happy being alone. If, however, I get into another serious relationship, I know what to look for. I’ve learned a lot, and continue to learn as I move forward.
Let me say that you can heal from this. It takes different amounts of time for all of us. But if you really think about it, would you want this kind of man back into your life? Realize that you deserve so much better.
Stay strong my friend….
carolann
Dear all,
My problems do not derive ONLY from the fact I destroyed a family. I also acted as a true socio would have acted, trying to ruin the other`s (his, in this case) life. I hated him, I felt justice had to be restored, and in that theoretically just goal I betrayed myself and acted myself as a true socio. He destroyed me not only nor foremost because he bretayed my love, but because he made me act like a person I can`t recognize. He won. I`m not the person I was and I still love him. Stalemate.
Hi Rut,
Your not a Sociopath but, you have been controlled & manipulated by one so, you have acted out of character. You now have to fight your way back to YOU before he came into your life.
You can do this but, it’s damn hard 😦
Just get plenty of rest & try to not over think everything & get some outside help if you need it?
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
At last, you are free! I think that thid is the most important part of reagaining ourselves and our sanity, when we only can saw them with pity.
The best for you on all your way
@Broken
It sounds like her definition would be strong = rebellious
I didn’t really know where to put this… it is more the end of my story…
Today, I got confirmation he is, in fact, the sociopath I thought he was, and he has been doing the things he’s denied. He texted me saying he apologized that his ex-wife posted my picture on her Facebook, with the “Hi stalker” comment, that that is why he doesn’t let her near his phone. With this b.s., I had just had it. Because of her voicemail to me that I didn’t answer, I had her number and forwarded her his text.
She texted back, accusing me of saying horrible things (things she wouldn’t know if he hadn’t shared), then through the course of conversation, we determined he had lied about her as well as to her, and to me about our respective “interactions”.
At first, she wanted me to believe I had been misled about her and him, that she didn’t know about me, if I’d looked at her pictures more, I’d know she had moved on, that she was a business professional, blah blah blah. But I questioned her and she admitted to having sex with him while he was seeing me, and really knowing he was lying. She said he still denies me. I told her he denies her as well! At that point, her true self came out and she basically said, if they wanted to have sex, it was up to them and, with sex as good as theirs, well, it is what it is.
I had to laugh at this. She took exception to me thinking badly of her, but she knew about his wife where I didn’t, AND, she knew about me, and didn’t care! I told her she couldn’t be both self-righteous and sinful, to choose! They have a child together and she’s known him 19 years. She says the difference is, she doesn’t care if he denies her, that she’s had her share of days fighting over him and doesn’t choose to anymore. Just no morals to speak of.
I told her we wouldn’t be speaking again, and I didn’t expect to see my picture on her page again, and that if she caused me any kind of trouble (she threatened restraining order after all their $h*t), I’d let the court know about him getting my car impounded for a drug run (he’s on probation), and that SHE is the contact he has that calls everyone when he gets in trouble.
I haven’t processed all this yet. And, to be perfectly honest, this is the kind of thing I shelve and just don’t deal with. But, I have a whole bookcase now of these that are popping up in therapy. It sooooooo sucks. I’m afraid to let all the reality thoughts come. Although I’ve entertained suspicions before, I’d just hoped he was more authentic than I believed. He (and she) are exactly what I suspected (with the exception of her self-delusion—I figured she knew she was selling her soul for a sex toy, but she appears to think there is nothing wrong with a little sex with her ex, although I’m sure she’ll have to rethink it now that I slapped her in the face with it).
I also know I will definitely never speak to him again now. I understand this is why some other things have been happening in my life this past week. God knows me well, and that I wouldn’t be able to deal with this without some open windows. Still sucks though.
Ah Jusa,
That must have been a hard experience for you. I hope this gives some closure for you. You are an extremely intelligent and articulate woman and I have admired your insights for many months now. With this latest eyeopener, perhaps you can really look at those “shelves” and gain an even deeper self awareness and happiness? I’m sending you strength and positive thoughts. xx
Awww Sorry Jusa & here for you 😦
It does suck especially when you become entangled with the OW via triangulation.
My Soc did this, pitting two against each other & I think you’ll find they usually don’t do their own dirty work but, rather send others to dispose of you 😦
He is spineless & callous to involve you in his seedy world etc…but, alas this is the game & life they live for 😦
It took me ages to realize that this is what they do, & I remember clearly now how the OW in my story was made to seek me out so, the drama would ensue & he would make her feel as if she was the winner??? She still had him & chose to stay?
Full well knowing he had committed infidelity throughout their entire relationship & lies, control etc…infidelity was not a deal breaker for her, rather she wanted to keep him to have a man rather than be alone I guess (her insecurity was evident upon our meeting) & then in her emails where she admitted being ‘weak’.
I just think we are better off without them & their drama (boy what drama) they can keep the Sociopath if that is their desire, it’s not mine & I would never want to knowingly engage with one.
You are an incredible lady so, you will be okay 🙂
It takes awhile for the ‘penny to drop’ but, it does inevitably 😦
These Soc’s aren’t happy unless they are creating havoc & unhappiness, really vile creatures they are 😦
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Thank you, PR. He tried to blame her for getting his phone and reacting to my picture. And, you are right. She is obviously willing to accept this level of treatment and has been doing so for 19 years (! – after having “moved on”. mm hm, sure.) She believes she is deciding and in control and seems to not be making the connection that he told her negative comments I’d said ON PURPOSE with the intent of hurting her—the mother of his child.
I do know what it’s like to skip over those “incidental facts” because of the hype he dishes while you’re in his presence. Apparently, she is willing to accept this behavior for mere sex. To be bought at such a low price is something I don’t relate to. Like you, for me this is unacceptable just to have a man’s company. But then, I don’t have a child with him and don’t feel stuck with him. Maybe she thinks, since she has to be around him anyway, might as well be something in it for her? They don’t live together and she’s in a different state so, like a temporary houseguest, I guess he looks much better from a distance and when you can send him back home.
I did follow up his last text letting him know we would not be seeing each other again, that if he is to see me out, he is to pretend we don’t know each other and not interrupt my life further—that any other reaction would constitute attaching a restraining order to him. I never want anything more to do with this mess and am glad it’s finally over. It has been so exhausting.
Work is really tough right now and I haven’t been able to motivate to work out. Worse, my Xanax prescription ran out and having trouble refilling so, difficult sleeping. I recognize I’m in some stupid mourning state. I realized today I’m not ready to relate to anyone right now (I know, duh) and I was trying to do so to not be left alone with my feelings (yes, I’m taking those items down off the shelf – sigh). Looks like a long several months ahead for me (probably). The soc sure was a painful wakeup call though just to accomplish this.
Jusa 🙂
I know exactly how hard it is & like you, I still struggle with the magnitude of all of this knowledge & awareness, even though it’s a huge relief, it’s also a huge burden (does that make sense?)
I think the ultimate in the Soc game is to keep a person who is willing to give up all of their moral coding just to keep them.
The power that they would get from knowing that they could pretty much do anything & this person will forgive them etc…makes me ill.
The OW’s in both our saga’s know what the Soc is like & choose to stay so, the Soc has the upper hand always 😦
The OW in my story said, “I will stay in the control seat of my life!” Ya Think!!
We are finally free Jusa, you just took a different route to me but, ultimately we are free 🙂 🙂
We now have to keep working on our own health & extricating the Soc aura from ours, hard & painful though it is 😦
Just take time out for you & do something for yourself each day, a little goes a long way so, baby steps are fine 🙂
I am here & elsewhere for you so, chin up girlfriend….it’s about us, not them 🙂
PR xoxo
May I offer a few resourses that have helped me tremendously during my darkest hours recovering from soc…..Guided Imagery CD to Help With Heartbreak, Abandonment and Betrayal, by Belleruth Naparstek, also her CDs Trauma and Depression have been lifesavers for me.
Books I devoured and helped so much……The Undefeated Mind-On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self by Alex Lickerman, MD. He has a great website called Happinessinthisworld.com
More books, The Seducer by Claudia Moscovici also her book, Dangerous Liaisons
Psychopath Free by PEACE
Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown
Puzzling People-the labyrinth of the psychopath by Thomas Sheridan and Defeated Demons -freedom from consciousness parasites in psychopathic society also by Thomas Sheridan
I hope this helps
I will look some of these up… am reading the first Sheridan book now and it is very good. Thanks for sharing.