So true… the first part of the battle was even coming to grips with the idea that people without conscience exist in the world. I really did believe that people were mostly good. Blew that notion out of the water. And, though I still believe God can work miracles even with these people (and that’s what I’ll pray for), the reality of what this makes the relational landscape of living in this world like can be momentarily depressing in and of itself.
The point you make about the soc wanting to keep those who are willing to strip away their moral coding, I believe, is right. I do think the ultimate goal for them is to soul claim because, when you think about it, it is the presence of their will in the absence of yours or a higher power. The irony is, it is a complete absence of control on the part of the victim. It’s a great illusion. This woman doesn’t know he has made her twice the heathen he is. He had told me they have been in “many rooms” together with others. He told me that was in his past and over (uh. yeah.) For her, him and the sex is the addiction.
While I’ll admit the sex with a soc is compelling, when you understand it is them just mirroring you, it sort of loses it’s luster. What I started thinking about was some of the things I commented on here… like how one night he gently kissed my forehead and fingers when I was falling off the sleep. It stood out because it was so uncharacteristic of him to take initiative with being tender or affectionate with me. Now, in my normal mind, I think—shouldn’t tenderness and affection have been a standard requirement??
Others can go have their hot, empty sex where the guy devalues them the day (or maybe hours) after if they want. I’ll take a real man who isn’t faking it while we’re making it, thank you. My soul, my heart, my person is just worth more than that single draw… and, let’s be honest, they ain’t good at much else.
@Jusagirl…my sex with the SOC was compelling only becausw she had an outrageously beautiful body. Other than that is was somewhat robotic. She would put me on the spot and ask me if I wanted her to perform certain acts, and if I didn’t she would say “fine cuz I’m in the mood either.” What is a guy supposed to say when a girl asks him if he is in the mood for felacio? “geez I guess not.” She promptly informed that no guycould sasisfy a woman more than she could herself. That was another real “warm cozy” for me. I started having erectile dysfunction problems because of her coldness & emasculation. She said, “the last guy I dated had problems getting it up too. I guess I make guys nervous. Young guys don’t have that problem,”
I’m not saying I’m a sex machine, but all my past partners complimented me on love making and how much they enjoyed sex with me. For my SOC it just seemed like she was going through the motions. I would try to pleasure her but she just said “sorry you can’t top my vibrator so don’t even try.” I feel sorry for her. Even if it isn’t a deep serious relationship, I always felt that sex was window into a world of spiritual wonder for two people. She’ll never experience that. To her its all about dominance and control. There’s no heart. Her sister reported to me that she often fantasizes about my 18 yr old nephew (who is a strapping handsome kid) when she masturbates. Its not just the fact that she is 45 and he 18, but that he’s my nephew. What a sick sick woman.
That sounds really hurtful broken. I just hope that you don’t allow this woman to cloud future relationships the things that she has said to you are so demeaning. I hope that you know that this says more about her than you.
Hello those who can see this, I’m sure how to post on this site but I will give it a try. Well I’m a aspie and the women I love is in a relationship with a sociopath, They have been together for almost 4 years and a couple days ago it hit the fan and he owned up to everything. That he put her down and treated her poorly because she didn’t say otherwise, he told her he gained her trust to purposely hurt her just like he did his ex among other things. She has come crying to me countless times and I try my best to help if I can. She admits to being terrified of him yet she stays with him. Is that normal? I get so confused with her actions involving him. She said last night that this is his last chance yet she has said this countless times before yet she stays. He cry’s and promises change yet after a week or so its back to the same thing. Her and I cant even be friends on Facebook because it pisses him off and she pretty much made me look like a crazy to calm him down which hurt pretty badly. I’m lost and I don’t know how to help. I try to use logic to show her his evil and she agrees yet she stays. She is truly amazing, pure of heart and doesn’t hold a grudge towards anybody. Why does she stay? I cant find answers but I found this site, I hope somebody replies. Thank you for your time.
Hi Andy welcome to the site. I think I am a female aspie too. One thing that I have learned is that you cannot change anybody else. She might run to you when things are bad and then return back to him. The thing is that only she can help herself. You cannot change her, but you can change you. I know that you want to help and don’t want to see her in pain. The reason that she stays is for a few reasons. 1. She loves him and hopes he will change (he won’t) 2. He manipulates and controls her. 3. He plays victim and she feels sorry for him 4. She has already been through so much she doesn’t want to quit realising that it was a lie and nothing was real 5. She wants to believe in him 6. She has been abused and likely has low self esteem and feels that she needs him (she doesn’t). The biggest one is that she loves him.
I just don’t understand. She tells me its because I’m a guy that I don’t understand yet I see what he does as wrong yet he sees no harm in his actions until she wants to leave. I cant just leave her to deal with this alone I need to help her there has to be a way. She has been cutting herself again and feels like she deserves the treatment she gets until I step in and when she is with me she seems okay but when she gets around him she becomes sad. She says sorry and blames herself, I’m lost and confused. How does somebody escape from something like this, I feel she is on her last legs.
Thanks for clarifying that I was confused lol. I was diagnosed when I was 10 🙂 been a struggle but I manage 🙂
I finally ended our relationship yesterday and he told me to do what I wanted. And I will never know if there was any truth in the 3 years we were together.
ALL LIES from the moment we met…from his occupation as a Nurse, my confidentiality that he was a Navy Seal, him being a set of triplets and the youngest committing suicide because of HIV…
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! He never thought to tell me he was once married and has a 6 year old son who is now in the Philippines. While we were together , he hooked up with a random chick during his deployment and got her pregnant. He tells me he deeply regrets it and it was a mistake, yet he tattoos his baby daughter on his neck stating it was a reminder of his mistake. I was in disbelief…a slap on my face to remind me of his infidelity.
I found this all out after he was exposed…I guess it was a blessing in disguise. One day, I decided to go to the house where he and his twin lived because he was suppose to be back from deployment. I was concerned that something happened to him. Rang the door bell and my heart was racing so fast, and to my surprise an elder man answered the door. It was his parent’s house and then I found out who he really was.
So why did I stay until now? Because we have a 2 year old son together and I thought he would change, after all he put me through.
And now that his time in the Navy was up, we could start fresh. I wanted to desperately believe there would be good change, despite all the lies.
Now he is sick….he thinks it is Prostate cancer. I have seen him and he has dropped 20 lbs, bed-ridden, and in pain. I was suppose to take him to his biopsy and then opted out claiming he doesn’t want any more testing.
Out of the blue he asks us to move the Philippines. After having a falling out with his family, he is now homeless and is trying to find a permanent home. My son and I are his only family… and now I’ve destroyed that for him. He has PTSD, depressed, and is on pain medications of all sorts.
His last request was to move to Philippines to receive alternative cancer treatment. We would stay there for 20 days and if I liked it there, we could stay. After some hard thinking, I really couldn’t believe anything he had to offer to me anymore, regardless if he was sick or not. So I broke it off with him and his reply was to let him die in peace.
I am concerned that he might be suicidal. Should I tell his family, even though he asked me not to? I still care for him because he’s my son’s father.
Hi Insane, welcome to the site. The thing is, you don’t know what is true and what is not true. I wouldn’t advise to tell his family anything, as he could be lying – and if you tell his family, then he will make you out to be the liar. The truth is that he has made his bed, he must now lie in it. You don’t know that he has cancer. It sounds awful, but with a sociopath, i would ask for proof before you believe anything that they say 😦 cancer is a favourite one for them to make up for attention.
I want my son to grow up healthy. Would you advise to cut off all contact from his father and the family?
@jusagirly/to whomever posted this: The point you make about the soc wanting to keep those who are willing to strip away their moral coding, I believe, is right. I do think the ultimate goal for them is to soul claim because, when you think about it, it is the presence of their will in the absence of yours or a higher power.
I found this really powerful and all to true.
Lol. At that last paragraph. It could not be any truer.
Great, please check out the cd’s also, when you find yourself ruminating and can’t stop thinking about the whole sordid mess and HIM, these cd’s and her soothing voice will offer you much peace and relief
I hear you & agree & I remember that from my Soc & his OW’s that the people still around him are the ones that he has deemed worthy to stay as he has made them prove their loyalty to him by acting our of character etc…My Soc had the power to make grown men (fireman & policemen) intervene on his behalf to both capture me & in the end console me.
That power is phenomenal & I cannot imagine ever doing that for another, to ring a person to apologize for someone else’s disgusting behavior because,they told me too!
The OW’s that choose to stay under these circumstances have very little in common with me or you as, we would never except the knowledge of the ultimate betrayal & dishonesty that the Sociopath desires.
My Soc always said his ex wife wanted him back??? He could go back anytime if he chose to but, after she took him to the cleaners (financially) he set about keeping & punishing her forever. This is what they do, they punish you if you stay & have ever digressed so, rest assured your OW will do her penance just or the sake of it.
Leave them to it & focus on you & visualize your better life as thoughts do become actions.
Make it work, you deserve a great life & you will have it, just believe you will 🙂
I’m not doubting it is dodging a bullet to not end up eternally tied to one of these types. And, I do know, no matter what his ex-wife says in support of continuing on with him, also in her own words, “There is a reason they are ex’s!” But as we know firsthand, with a soc, there is no escaping the pain and penance except through no contact.
The children have it the worst as they have no idea why their lives are in a mess. He would punish his 18-year-old daughter for weeks with silent treatment if she even mildly failed to do as he wished.
I’m not sure if I mentioned this in my email to you, but I will be taking executive coaching sessions in the coming weeks with a training professional who is a former executive that has increased multiple company’s revenues by millions. It is personal one on one coaching and I’m really looking forward to the focus on my real goals and dreams and just leaving this behind.
But, I’ll still continue going to therapy. I know I can’t bury this.
@Jusa, yes the silent treatment on their children is rife as mine did this also & played favorites! He would visit one daughter & his grand children more then the other if she hadn’t been in favor. He told me his first daughter was his favorite, that should have been a big ‘red flag’ for me as I could not fathom this thinking???
I am so proud of you & I bet this coaching will be rewarding & challenging 🙂
The Soc stuff will linger naturally as it’s an experience sent to us to learn & grow from & until we truly get it, it does stay with us I feel.
Mine lingering thoughts are sent to remind me of pushing on, especially when times are tough, I think well if you can survive this, you can survive anything.
I tell myself ‘WOW’ that happened & I’m okay :)…you can do this & as I’ve said before, you can do anything you put your mind too & you are now free to explore your own mind at your own pace without the Soc fogging your brain…you will be such a force to be reckoned with & only good will come out of that, it already has 🙂
Thank you, PR, you are an encouragement to me and I appreciate it. I’m going to take a hot bath and go to bed early. I’m coming down with a cold so, maybe I will get some sleep after all. Much love…
@PosativaGirl, The one thing I feel funny about is the topic of smear-campaigns.
I finally couldn’t take bottling up all her twisted wierd bullshit anymore. One night when I was out I blurted out the sick shit she did to me to and other shit she has pulled in her life to one of my best friends who grew up with her. WHen my ex-soc bumped into my friend and tried to bad mouth me or make it look like I was the reason the relationship went south, my firend politely hinted to her that; #1 She has known the Soc her whole life, and is aware of how she treats relationships, and #2 Posed the question to the SOC of “are you sure you didn’t play a role in it cuz I know him (me) very well and know he is one of the most considerate, and kind people I have ever met. Maybe it would be best if you stayed away from him (me) I and many people love him very much.” The SOC apparently shut down and didn’t say another word about me. She only showed distain. I just feel alittle guilty..like I Smeared her
@Positiva, could you give me some feedback on my last post. I feel bad talking shit about her publically, but its sort of like exposing her for what she is, even though many know it allready
we were able to put him in jail for a bit but the American justice system could give a shit. they just let him out today and he’s not supposed to be out. he’s got hundreds of female victims. it’s horrific that men like this get away with this kind of stuff because the legal system is so sexist and it is deemed our fault.
Just looking at your website. How interesting. I couldn’t get to first video and the second the news one I couldn’t find a link. Can you send to me and I can share the video on the site?
Will have a good look at your site. Thanks for sharing.
@Broken, don’t worry, you have a conscience thats the reason you feel that way. You are just trying to make sense of all the insanity. What you said is truth.
Positiva, I love your blog! It has helped me so much I cannot thank you enough. It’s been one year and one month with No Contact, I was given counselling for PTSD which helped me to sleep but the actual healing has come through reading other people’s stories and your excellent insights into how sociopaths work.
I was emotionally, physically and sexually tortured by my ex for three and a half years. I lived in a different country to my family, he controlled my phone, my money and every aspect of my life. I finally escaped with the clothes I stood up in, my passport and my bank card. I have never looked back and immediately established No Contact. The hardest thing has been trying to explain what happened to me during those years to those who love me. My ex kept me socially isolated to a ridiculous extent – we lived on tiny islands, in a forest and as far away from habitation as possible so he could beat me like a dog and no one would hear it. I cannot begin to write about the abuse I suffered, it’s just too traumatic to relive and I had to avoid that part of my therapy because of the distress it causes. Suffice to say, I am now free! It is wonderful. Most of my broken bones have healed, I am now a little over-weight instead of skeletal and I can sleep without fear. Life is good.
Your wonderful blog has been an enormous support to me. I usually catch up via Twitter and on my mobile (yes! I have a phone of my own now!) but thought today was the day I should say a very grateful thank you for what you do and the hope you have given me.
Thank you so much for your very kind comment. I am glad that what I have written has helped you. What an awful time you have been through. Well done for the no contact. Am really pleased that this site has helped you.
@POSITIVA. Do you or anyone else have any feedback in regard to dreams. Everytime I think of her…and its usually at night…and its usually very sensual….., my heart starts pounding & my stomach starts turning to the point where I feel like my heart is going to burst out of chest. Its more though like a longing that I know can never be cured…its a negative draw.
I know this sounds macabre, but I literally feel like I have to envision blowing things up in order to calm myself. Everytime Her face pops into view I “explode it” in my mind. I explode her house, I explode her car. I mean I litereally have to explode them like a video game. I don’t even play video games.
I don’t know what this means, but I have never dreamed like this about any other events except those which haunt me (I have PTSD) as a veteran. I did search and rescue and had to recover childrens’ bodies. Those images haunt me as well as other memories from those experiences. These images of longing I have of my SOC register, checkin and travel through the port of my pain and on to an even deep place in my soul. I feel like I have been raped or something.
ANd normally, I would think that my blowing up the things would be a serious red-flag, but in many ways I’m doing it almost like the suspense movies when a hunted person is helplessly firing a gun in self-defense into the pitch black woods at midnight. Terrified out my mind and don’t know what to kill. But I know this whole thing has scared my soul in some way. Its deep and devil like.
I read a book real cases of possession and exorcisms in in contemporary America. Many of the spiritual wounds described by the possessed and the clergy, who offer themselves as collateral to the opposing demons, sound similair to the ones I’m having. I which the pain would go away. There are honestly some nights I want to end the torment
Dreams are not always as they seem Broken. If you are having dreams, try to keep a dream journal. A good site for interpretations (the best I think) is http://www.dreammoods.com/
So..This is my story. my brother has been dating a sociopath for the last 4 years. This woman is the most insane person I’ve ever met. About a little over a year of my brother and Tammy dating they moved in together. He was 27 and she was 38 at the time. They ended up needing help so I offered to get her a job, due to conflict of interest I could not employ my brother. In order to help him I got her the job in 2010. Worst Mistake. Two weeks after she started she sent nude pictures of herself to my boss asking to “spend the night in their underwear together and drink beer and watch movies”. She was also getting chummy with a gentlemen who worked at the same company but different department thinking I wouldn’t find out. What I do at my job is I’m pretty much the jack of all trades, I dabble in everything and talk to everyone. She only worked there for 13 months. She talked to a lot of men telling them that she had her ex living with her, that he’s a broke loser but has no where to go (talking about my brother and making herself look like a Saint), that he has no job, he doesn’t clean or do any house work, she owns both cars, he’s a good for nothing man, yada yada. My brother did and still has the same job, both cars were his; one he bought on his own the second was bought from my grandfather but with my bro’s name on the title. I though he was crazy for doing that but I digress. I had co-workers come up to me commenting about this joker Tammy was dating not realizing they were talking about my brother. As she is my brothers gf I tolerated her plus we were at work in a professional setting. We would take smoke breaks together where she would tell me her stories and they were exactly that. Stories. He ex husband (who she has not divorced yet) beat her and her kids and that he was in jail and one time he escaped and since she has high restraining orders against him the sheriffs would race to her house to protect her. Yeah I looked up her abusive husband – since public records can be easily found. The biggest thing he was arrested for was cannabis. Usually, those are pretty mellow folks.
She also told me that she was a breast cancer survivor but yet was the only human being on earth to still have both breasts AND never lost any hair or had any symptom’s from chemo and rads. My grandfather died from cancer and my aunt is a breast cancer survivor so I pretty much know the extent of the symptoms. She also stated to people at work that her youngest son, 8 at the time, had brain cancer. That she was strapped for cash and had to work during his operation. I had employees come up to me practically crying because of the black cloud following this poor unfortunate woman. I immediately texted my brother asking what was going on, the kid did have some bad headaches so he got an MRI and cat scan done. The kid was suffering stress headaches as a result from being bullied at school. I am on the events committee at my work and we discussed the option of starting a benefit for her and her son to get funds donated for his operation and condition. When that became a possible event Tammy dropped the whole thing and never discussed it again. Hmm… that’s odd… The boy wasn’t suffering with brain cancer anymore he miraculously was treated instantly.
She at some point became ‘pregnant’ when she was about 3 months is when she found out. My bro was really excited. I witnessed her numerous times outside smoking. She said that she had some RH negative factor in her blood. She never got the shot knowing that her body will ultimately reject the fetus which is what happened. She killed that baby intentionally for sympathy — poor ol’ me. She never cried. Hell, I had a miscarriage and cried for 2 months! About 2 weeks later after the miscarriage her father dies suddenly, she never went to the funeral or services. About 2 weeks after that her dog died (this is actually true) they went as far as having an autopsy on the dog to find out why she died. She also took off work, it was a no call no show. I told her she had to be written up. I became the bad person because I was doing my job. She cries and loses her shit when a dog dies but not when she killed her baby or when her father died? About 2 weeks after the dog died I find out from my brother that he father is well and alive, not dead.
My boss started telling me that she was hitting on him and saying vulgar things. Not only my boss was the one receiving juicy love notes but several other men. One man in particular showed a very huge interest in her and left her cute little love notes on her desk, flowers, chocolates, pretty much whatever she wanted. He took her out to lunch every day and she didn’t have to buy anything at all, he was taking care of her at work. After several months of them going out to lunch and banging, and her ‘working late’ but really she was banging him. Since I do payroll I see her hours and know the days my bro said she was working late, she surely was working but not on the clock. She was working penis. So after a month or so of this I spoke to the guy and told him who she was- he stopped all communication with her. She then started to stalk the guy. Which then after several months of her doing this she wasn’t getting what she wanted any more and was fired for sending him a death threat.
In August 28 of 2011 my sweet Grandmother passed (2 months before she was fired), that previous week I was in the hospital every day by her side along with my sister and father. She passed on a Sunday night so the next day I decided the worst was over and I went into the work. Not 5 minutes of being at work I had 12 people come up to me and asked me if I heard about Tammy’s grandmother who passed away early that morning. It was VERY hard for me to hold my composure but I pressed on working. I couldn’t believe she told people it was her grandmother and not only that but even lied about the time of death, who does that? About an hour after being at work I ran into Tammy who then incessantly commented why I was at work when my Grandmother just died. Kept pushing it, I had to leave work immediately because I would’ve punched her in the cooter. I went to my fathers house to hang with the rest of my mourning family. 20 minutes after arriving at my dads Tammy showed up. Who then shed crocodile tears, took my brother and left.
She scams her church to pay their rent and utility bills as if she is a struggling mother of two who lives by herself. My brother pays for almost everything. When she was fired in 2011 she then started going to school which the church also paid for. Medical school, the lowest kind possible, being a medical assistant. During some point for her schooling she had to travel to Kansas city for training in a shot clinic. Mind you we live 30 miles out of the 3rd largest city in USA.. Why in God’s green earth would she have to travel to Kansas City for training?! My brother still didn’t see through any of her lies.
December 2011 I gathered what information I could to prove to my brother all the things she lied about and the men she cheated on him with. That was the last day I saw my brother. He has not shown up to any holidays or family functions. He sporadically contacts my father but that is about it. During the last discussion with him he called me a (unt and that I am a liar and I’m the crazy one. I asked what makes him think I would make all of this up and sacrifice my relationship with my only brother for lies? He told her about all the things I said and she then contacted me and said that she was going to get a restraining order on me for harassing them. Um…what?
My question is – Is he too far gone to be saved? Everyone in my family has accepted that this is how it is but I can’t. I’ve been wronged by her after I helped her out and almost lost my job because of her. I wish there was some way I could open my brothers eyes. He carries our last name – it ends with him. He’s 30 now, I’m afraid he’s going to miss out on life. Never have kids of his own. I believe once her kids are grown and out of school which will be in about 10 years she will leave him. He takes care of those kids while she is out “going to school” and “working”. It’s hard to see my brother live in this life of a lie. He’s not the same person at all, she has totally brain washed him. I’m looking for any advice, any at all… Thanks! Sorry this was so freakin long
@SuperNova, I have to say that in some cases, the guy has to learn the hard way. It sounds like he has a little bit of the “rescuer” complex going. Its a endearing trait, but also a curse some guys have.( Alot of woman have the mothering instinct, which can also back fire on them)How he can look past her activities in denial for so long, I can’t even conceptualize. The only comparison I have is that I put up with my SOC’s bullshit for a year before I had had enough. I just started having a gut feeling like there is a whole other private world my SOC was living in that I knew little about.
I’m assuming that in the early part of their relationship he was sexually infatuated with her and may still be (those SOCs got that going for them for sure). I think he also wanted to rescue her. These two things are what drew him (I’m a guy and I know because I’ve been there). I think over time she conditioned him to put up with the madness of jealousy she casued him by ridiculing him and shaming him for #1) being weak enough to get jealous let alone show it and #2) having the gaul to confront her or complain. IN the end ..she probably gaslighted him into thinking he didn’t have the right to feel that way. This confusion is what broke down his ability over time to defend him self. She has isolated him away from his support system so no one can stick up for him. IN this sense, he has developed a very fruitless addiction that leaves one in A CONSTANT STATE OF CONFUSION AS TO WHY THEY KEEP LOOKING FOR A FIX THEY NEVER GET.
I wish him luck and safety in the future. It probably will come to head sooner or later and I hope he gets out. Rescue him and th ekids from her if you can. She will ruin them in ways you can’t imagine. I saw what my ex-SOC’s behaviors have done to her own kids’ lifes.
Before I go, I wanted to tell you how bone-chillingly similar the “lets drink beer in our underwear” comment was to my first date with my Ex-SOC.
@Broken Thank you for your reply! That is what we thought initially was he was hooked to her sexually. Within the first year of them dating he stopped talking to all of his friends because she didn’t like them. And then after she got fired from the place I work at she had some how convinced him that we all hate her, made up stories so they would break up, that I’m crazy and we don’t love him, all we want to do is cause him pain, etc. Which then led him to not coming over at all to my fathers house, my house, my aunts, for holidays, birthdays, nothing. My father is a foreman electrician, one board too, and tried getting my brother job with him which is unheard of for the union but he refused. Then my aunt tried getting him a job at her work place because it was paying better than what he was making and he didn’t take it either. I don’t have proof but I know for a fact that it’s all due to Tammy. She has made him alienate his family so only her words now apply to him, she is his world. You are def right about his support system being gone, it’s only her now. During one of our last conversations like 1.5 to 2 years ago he told me that she and her kids were his family now, not us. There is so much more that this woman has done to my brother, things she said to people, things she’s done. She is the most vile person I have ever met in my entire life. I am so sorry you had to deal with someone like that, I can’t understand how people can be so…. heinous.
Yeah that comment about the underwear – hope I didn’t bring back any bad memories. I am def going to keep posting and reading. I wish there was a way I could open his eyes but even physical proof wasn’t enough. It is possible that he wanted to be the rescuer, help the ‘damsel in distress’. I never looked at it that way, I just thought she must give really good head or something. She dug her claws in deep… Really deep. I hope it does get to a head sooner and he gets out of this mess. I try to contact him but he doesn’t respond. I would love to go to his house but Tammy is always there and if she is there, there is no way he’ll talk to me. My grandfather stopped over at their house a few months back b/c they owe him $12,000, both my bros cars were in the drive and no one answered the door. Tammy has his facebook log in and his e-mail so we can’t get through him that way.
How long was it before you broke free? What was it that made it click, finding out what she was? How are you coping?
Hi SN1,
Welcome to the site. I’m sorry to hear about your brother and new “extended family”. This isn’t a criticism in any way, but I almost wish you had raised your concerns to your brother immediately upon learning of her “professional” behavior, wherein she bad-mouthed him and it got back to you. Little pieces of information along the way might’ve made the difference in helping him put the jigsaw together.
People do get fired unfairly, but more often, where there is smoke there is fire. At some point, it will unfortunately become all too clear for him though. All you can really do is remain open and welcoming to him, leaving a door open for when he starts questioning her motives and behavior himself.
@SuperNova…I haven’t really broken free in my head, but physically and No-Contact wise, I have. Trust me the damsel in distress is no stranger to giving good head before thye hook you in as a willing victom. MOst guys like being white-knights and they like head, so its kind of a no brainer for a SOC tryign to hook a guy in with ego stroking and sex. Its a powerful tool for guys that don’t have their own true identiy hammered out yet. After my experience with the SOC…I think it would be much more worth while for me to let my intellect and not my libido be the determinant in who I spend time with.
Your brother needs to be rescued. I think the family visits are a good strategy. Its sort of like rescuing a family member from being brainwashed into a religious cult. The family member never completely comes willingly in the beginning. They have crossed the line into another reality that only the SOC wants them to see. Its up to others to point out the truth to the victom. Fo rme, it took others to confirm my worst fears and describe my ex-SOC’s life patterns & history for me to realize that I needed to break free, or possibly go nuts and/or hospitalized and maybe eventual death. I also read the the books written by HARE and ME Thomas so I could understand the disorder better and realize what I was dealing with. You out to give them a look for your own sanity. It sheds a lot of light on things and may better help you come up with a game plan on how to gextract your brother to safety. ANd remember..she is fucking her kids up for life everyday they are under her regime. Good luck sweet, and you sound like a wonderful sister to have:)
Peace,
Broken
@jusagurl – Thanks! I def should’ve brought it up earlier to him. But I just felt it would’ve been better if I had evidence supporting my claims. And when I did he thought, Thanks to his SOC gf, that I constructed all of these messages myself. Like I have time to do that. I will def keep my door open once he starts realizing who she really is. I just don’t know when that will be. It’s been 4 years now.. Now that she has brainwashed him into thinking that we are all horrible people that don’t want them to be together for whatever reason he doesn’t come around, respond to us, or anything. The times he does come around he goes and sees my dad, which is rare, and even then his SOC gf drops him off and picks him. He can’t even drive himself in his own freakin car. It’s so hard to witness my bro in this kind of situation and not realize it at all. I want to help but I feel almost helpless..
Hi SN1 🙂
You can’t do much unfortunately 😦 he is under her spell & until that breaks, he will be conned & controlled & manipulated 😦
You will just have to hang tight & keep reinforcing to him how much you care, if you can? Send him birthday cards,Xmas cards etc…never leave him out or forget about him. This will stand you in good steed when he eventually falls…you will be there to pick up the pieces & hopefully he will appreciate you for this.
It’s very hard to witness so, concentrate on living your best life possible as an example to him 🙂
Forgive him his weakness to see her for what she is & just pretend she doesn’t exist (she doesn’t really, it’s all fake).
Hey PR! Yeah that is what I’ve come to realize.. There isn’t much anyone can do, it’s all up to him. I do text him on holidays and his birthday, and at random times but I get no response. I send him bday cards and xmas cards too. I am not sure if he gets them.. That’s very true, I like how you put that – she doesn’t exist that it’s all fake. She def is Mrs. Fakerton from Fakersville For Real! I just keep praying that some day he will wake up. I don’t care how he’s treated me or my family I will still be there to help him get through it once he breaks away.
@Broken – Thanks! I try to be a good sister to him even if he thinks I’m doing nothing but trying to ruin his life. I wish I had the support of my family members but they all try to act like everything is normal with the exception of talking about how crazy his SOC is. The only other one I get support from is my step mother who asks him how do we fix our family, bring us back together. He says he’ll come over to hang out, or come over for Thanksgiving but when the time comes he doesn’t show and won’t pick up the phone. My grandfather has visited or tried to but they didn’t answer the door. My dad is the most passive person I know, he avoids any confrontation. The only time he’ll involve himself into situations is where his kids are in danger. Even though my bro is in danger being with this woman my dad doesn’t get involved for fear of driving a wedge further into their son/father relationship. He’s seen how my bro has reacted to me and everything that I told him, so I think that sort of scares my dad thinking his son won’t talk to him anymore. I know my dad is really hurt by my bro not coming around hardly ever like he used to so he doesn’t want lessen what already is a rarity of him coming around. I hope that makes sense. Since xmas is around the corner I am hoping we will do what we were going to do last year. My bro didn’t show up for xmas last year which was the second xmas he missed and we all talked about going to their house and signing xmas carols. I spoke to my sister last night to get her assistance with convincing the family to actually do that this year. We all know that he isn’t going to show up. So at least in some way we can show him, hey we are here to bring you some xmas joy and to show you that we care and want to see you. I am at the point now where I feel like nothing is going to work or open his eyes.. Little by little I hope that at some point it clicks. He is past the point of being helped. They say you can’t help those who can’t help themselves. And that statement in its truest form is very sad. I am not sure how I would be able to get those kids away from her, they are her and her ex husbands kids… Which is another leverage she uses for my bro, b/c he thinks they are his kids now. They were half grown when my bro and the SOC started dating. I really appreciate all of the replys and advice. I am glad that you got out from your ex-SOC control and broke free. I hope that in due time you have BROKEN those chains and truly set yourself free, mentally and emotionally. Same goes for everyone else.
SuperNova
xoxo
Hi SN1 🙂
Just keep loving him in your heart & sending him love via the universe to keep him safe. It does get through so, I’m sending you love & hope all the way from Australia 🙂 🙂
Oh & a big HUG 😉
PR xoxo
I AM SO HAPPY TO SAY THAT I AM FINALLY OVER IT!!!! I have finally accepted what has happened, I am no longer hurting, I am my happy self again! I have now moved forward and I do not think about the love bombing, good times. I realize that he has serious mental issues and I did nothing wrong. I have a happy, fun, independent life full of exciting, meaningful things coming my way. It feels amazing to have my mind set free from the nightmare! I must say that the thing that helped me the most to get over this and understand what happened IS THIS SITE! NO CONTACT is what finally got me over the hump, smiling again, and free from the devil’s hold. 🙂 Good luck to all of you!!! YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU DESERVE IT!
Awe..you will make it! Believe me, there was a time I didn’t think I would and I just wanted to disappear or die! However, I have realized how much time is wasted on an asshole and life, happiness, and love are precious! Unfortunately, maybe when tragedy hits close to home it makes you stop and really think. I am a teacher and last month we lost a former student in a car accident and was a good friend of my sons. Then, Sunday night 2 of my former students (sisters, age 20 and 17) also died along with their father in a plane crash. They were a loving, wonderful family. Things like this really make you think about how trivial life can be and how we need to smile and live each day its fullest..not dwell on the past or the things we can’t control! If he treated you wrong, he will do it again..be strong and move the fuck on! Too many good people are in the world to sit back and give your life up to a piece of shit!
Wow now that is very good to read fairytale 🙂 🙂 Really good news, as I remember it wasn’t that long ago, that you felt pretty lost and confused. So good to read!!
Thanks PG…I can’t tell you how much you, your site, and others have helped me understand what the hell just happened! It has been my savior!
@Fairytale…I am starting to get better, and am confident I will overcome this tragedy. ANd, you are right..there other things in life that far outweigh these affiars of heartbreak. I started having moments, though fleeting, of pure happiness and peace. I thought of my sons 13 & 8 who were over at my apartment to visit last weekend. I played them some songs that I will be performing with my blues/funk band and the two worked out a very funny choreography routine. They were perfectly content and joyful to spend time with me in my small apartment, to wrestle with me and laugh with me. One is an athlete and artisit..and the other a perfomer. Both do well in school and know they are deeply loved by me. I smile in wonder at their completeness.
I recall the last time I was over at my Ex-SOC’s house. I watched her 14 yr. old son, a full-blown narcassist (atleast) tease and harass his younger 11 year old brother ( who has serious anger issues) into a state of rage. The older brother hid the younger’s phone on him. The 11 year old threw and smashed the older brother’s iPhone against the wall. My Ex-SOC told the 11 yr. old that wasn’t very nice. The 11 yr. old ran outside and burned his name into the lawn with W-40 spray. Their mother, my ex-SOC calmly said, “Geez….both of them just get so bored sometimes” and went to sleep on the couch after guzzling her mother’s wine supply. For desert Her older 23 yearold son…(.who would be homeless if he wasn’t living with and off his 16 yr. old girlfriend’s family) worked up the energy to come over and mooch 20 dollars off his grandmother. He’s too smart and important to work, and is a self-proclaimed jack of all trades..white collar…blue-collar..gigalo..you name it. When he left to get into his girlfriend’s father’s car, my ex-SOC said, “what a mooch.” As she went back to sleep on her mother’s couch in her mother’s mansion, her son brought in a bowl of icecream paid for by New State’s Welfare and taxpayer system (food stamps). The last thing she said before dozing off was, “Is’nt it great that I can get Netflix movies on my TV for free using my sister’s Netflix password? Hah..she doesn’t know I have it.” The to me she said, “Why don’t you do something with yourself…..like go into administration so you can buy a big house…maybe we could work thigns out between us if you could get your shit together!” (I’m currently a teacher, a decorated veteran and consider myself a success). Sure Ex-Soc..you are a real winner
Yeah….I’m glad I’m out
So inspiring to read all the comments on this site, I would like to THANK YOU also for helping me through the roughest month of my life.I am on day 42 of NO CONTACT 🙂 I am so proud of myself for retaining my dignity through all this. He stole 2 years of mine and my childs life and wallsed out of our life like nothing. Didnt even say nice knowing ya, so i fell apart and slowly but surely pulling myself together… I AM FREE… and it feels good, I still think about him all the time, but I know i’ll never go back there..It makes it easier everyday by no contact… Mentally I am no where near the finish line, but am getting there, roll on 2014!!
Hey well done for day 42 of no contact!! 🙂
@ KITS.Thanks and happy new years!
Congratulations fairytale2nightmare!!!! I can honestly say that I too am over it! IDK what it was, time, understanding, this site but I do not cry over him and the situation like I once did. It’s hard to explain how it happened, it just did. I’m not going to sit here and say I don’t ever think about what happened or him in general, because I do. I just know that it doesn’t “sting” me like it used to. I haven’t cried in a while, which is nice considering I’ve cried a million tears over him.
Hang in there everybody! There is light at the end of the tunnel! You have to go through this in order to grow. I know it sucks, but you will look back and realize that you learned a valuable lesson out of all this and it happend for a reason. I know you’re thinking, but why me? All I wanted to do was love someone! Unfortunately we all have to get shit on in order to learn what we need to. I promise you, you too will get past this. This site saved my sanity, so continue coming here to read stories and know that you are not alone. You are not a loser. You were conned into believing a dream. It happens to the best of us. Eventually, it will not affect you in the way that it has been, so keep your head up!!!
Thank you Lenore..it’s a great feeling to smile again and look forward to a future! Fortunately, my ex SP lives 1,000 miles away and it makes it a whole lot easier to move on..I have NO choice! Good things keep coming my way and I am myself again..free, independent, and standing strong! I don’t need a man for anything!!!
Hi Lenore 🙂
So pleased to hear that you are doing so well, you will never forget but, you will move on & you deserve the best of everything 🙂
Continued strength & support to you 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Yay Fairy 🙂
Really proud of you & not far behind you on that freedom bus 🙂
Keep going strong & never look back 🙂
@ Well Everyone — I am so happy that you are all out of these horrible situations. To those who are finally over it, the mental stress, emotional rollercoaster that is wonderful news! Very true – live everyday to it’s fullest, never let someone bring you down. To those who are still suffering in a way and trying to get over it, keep going. You know now that it wasn’t you at all, it was the other person – the sick minded who just wanted to play games. I have never been in a situation like that but I have seen it. And I have picked up the pieces of one who has been in that situation. My bf of 9 years was in a horrible relationship that resulted with him building walls around himself and never letting anyone get close to him. His ex was horrible, made him turn on his sister thinking she did all this stuff, slept with all of his friends, lied to him all the time, slept with his best friend in the same bed he was passed out drunk in.. Sick! Unfortunately for him at the time he realized about all the things his ex did he found out his mother was divorcing his father. Not a really good place for him to be at all. Piece by piece and layer by layer I still help him break down those walls from his past that still haunt him and help him realize that he is a great person, that he’s not a shithead, and that there are still good people in the world. Not to let one sick henious phsyco make him think otherwise and control his thought pattern even while she was out of the picture. Even now the baggage is still there I tell him instead of it holding you down, let it be your reminder of how strong you are. And how you escaped the scewed reality that your ex led you to believe. Let it be the wrecking ball that led you to freedom to a new you, a better you. You all are strong, know that!! Everyone is different, however long it takes you all to heal you will at some point become who you once were in your happiest of days. You will get there! Stay strong and always remain positive! =)
xoxo SuperNova
It is how I imagine it would be to be possessed by a demon. With my Soc even his voice changed to a horrible scary horror movie voice! I have finally broken free (4 months now) but in the beginning the :PTSD was terrible and I even went to church to pray (I am Christian but not practicing) as I felt I needed my soul cleansing. Four months on and I still get ups and downs but I know going back would be the destruction of me and I am worth more than that. Five years of hell.
Hi Ranl,
I totally agree with you. They take over your life and you are oblivious to it… When i read on here first about the “glare/Stare” I remember when he used to stare like into my soul… I used to think whoa thats freaky. I went back to church also, i think its therapeutic to cleanse these devil scum out of our aura, and find peace and comfort in the higher power. Congrats on reaching 4 months.. I cannot wait until i get there, I am day 42 no contact, so its getting easier everyday.
Dont go back!! cause when ur out stay out!!! keep thinking positive and focus on you.. Try some positive affirmations everyday, it helps me to try and keep poistive.
Much love to all
Kits
@SN1
I guess, if it were my brother, I’d just try to keep my voice in…meaning, a Christmas card with the single line “I/we miss you…”, and if you can be at your dad’s sometime when he’s there, it would at least provide an opportunity to you to say hello and smile at him.
I’ve had a family relationship become disconnected before, and this is what I did: I sent her a letter, letting her know my true thoughts so no one else was speaking for me or putting thoughts in her head. Then, I waited. It took a lonnnnnng time for her to come around, but that cracked the ice. I continued with the cards/notes with no response for probably a couple of years. Just simple things that were unintrusive, but kept the door open. I now see her at all family gatherings and we can have conversation like we used to.
Just be patient. He is your brother though so, in my mind, giving up on family is never an option…especially if his soul is at stake which is what I suspect. I’ll add you to prayers.
@jusagurl I have written long texts to him, how we all miss him – that who he has changed into is someone different and I can’t understand why he doesn’t see it. How we want to spend time with him. Especially during holidays when families are supposed to be together. How it hurts our father and grandfather that he isn’t around. His response was basically you aren’t my family any more, his woman and her kids are his family now. With that response I told him Well I’m sorry that we all miss you and tell you that… I’ve left him facebook messages and e-mails but now know that she has access to all of it. She blocked the whole family on FB from his profile, they now share one. Took about 7 months for my bro to unblock my sister and step mother. I ended up deleting my FB June of last year didn’t see the use in it really, hardly ever used it. I have written a letter, many times over, the same one, but after reading it and re-reading it I end up deleting it and shutting down my computer in serious frustration knowing that me even sending it to me will probably fall in the wrong hands. That process has been repeated for the last 7-8 months I’d say… I would much rather talk to him physically but that is proving to be very challenging. I’m really hoping he is coming to Xmas this year. I heard from my step mom that he said he would but that would leave his woman at home on xmas alone, apparently her kids are going to be staying with their father.. Which I doubt he would do that, or rather, I doubt she would allow that. Thanks for your prayers! =)
No Contact SuperNova, don’t contact him. Don’t give him the energy – he enjoys the energy that you give to him.
PositivaGirl…I wrote this song/poem last night and for better or for worse thought I would post it hear. I feel like I just need to share it and get it out of my system.
The Lines are Blurred
The lines are blurred, I feel like th eangels have forsaken me.
Can anybody hear the devils song the siren sang to me.
No matter how far up the river you travel, the shadows will follow you.
They’re souls of your children and all the lifes you’ve shattered through
your heartless, cold abuse.
They scream your name, they want all to know it,
And though your face doesn’t show it,
You dread the memories the have of you.
And here do your children’s cries free your
memories from its lies,
And here the lovers’ cries are freeing heaven from the skies,
Their lifes are broken, I am not. You can bet your heartless soul
that I’ll survive. I will survive.
and your Siren’s song, drove me out to sea so far from home,
just to guide me in to rocks that left me broken and alone….
The lines are blurred, and the angels they gently sing to me
“here the strong of wing they fly, and the broken wing lay down to die”
and their parting gift became a dream beyond the sky.
The lines are blurred
LDA – Broken
No that would be wonderful. I’m flattered that you would do that
I meant..yes that would be wonderful. Yes you can post it!
One more thing. Thanks for validating me through my art. Its the one thread that has kept me sane throughout my whole life.
Thank you I will share it now!! 🙂 I am sure others will appreciate it too.
You obviously have a talent. People like it, and someone shared it on their wall. Thank you for sharing!! 🙂
Broken 🙂
Really cool song & heartfelt :), maybe we’ll get to hear you sing it one day? Now wouldn’t that be great 🙂
Keep writing & singing it’s good for the soul & that’s how the angels communicate to us 🙂
I would love so much to do that. You people are the angels. No one ever knows what it looks like…..that breath between this world and that…and many people find it in solitude, but dismiss it once they are okay. …..this site, I can honestly say is what the angels look like. And I’m not religious.
I love you all so much
Broken
@ PR…sorry I didn’t address this:
I would love so much to do that. You people are the angels. No one ever knows what it looks like…..that breath between this world and that…and many people find it in solitude, but dismiss it once they are okay. …..this site, I can honestly say is what the angels look like. And I’m not religious.
I love you all so much
Broken
Broken 🙂
Your never alone so, look around for the angels, they come in many forms but, especially in repetitive songs in your head & elsewhere etc…butterflies, random flashes of light & sometimes just a feeling or sensation 🙂
We love you too so, stay strong 🙂
@PR….I know..the voices that everybody have are gifts…I listen to them all the time. Thanks for caring about me. that means so much to me right now PR
Your Welcome & I always ‘Pay It Forward’ as someone reached out to me & it was great support & comfort & she created this wonderful site 🙂
Just stay focused on YOU & your children, they & you are testimony enough to the world 🙂
Repetative songs in my head: I’ve been writing songs since I picked up the guitar 35 years ago. The songs and my art are most definately my consistent window to the light that we come from.
@POS & PR I will pay it forward
@Posativagirl & PR….I hope that this will come of some good. I was sexually abused by women when I was 14. I was and still am a hyper-sensitive male. I was sexually mature and a strong young male at a very young age.The one woman that should’ve looked out for me didn’t. instead she fanned the fires out of her own narcissism. In this song/poem I am trying t get rid of shit that weights down my being so much, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I think that I want to share this because it might add light to why a guy might end up as prey to a female sociopath. This was my set up. I always have tried to please. Maybe it’ll help someone else have insight.
White Elephants
White Elephants rushing off in all directions,
To their fields cold and bare
I want to know in silent days in between what thoughts are coming to you?
You are yesterday’s dreamer, as today says goodbye.
And the dreaming is never done.
And like a child you run for the affections.
Always looking for a gentle daylight, that might be there.
I caught you standing there with all the tears you held inside.
Your eyes were filled tainted by jaded pride.
Tell me, what were after between all of your tears of laughter?
You were the first one to ever cry
…And the memories call to you from the eyes in the photograph.
…And you hear the angels cry, again on your journey back…
To a time when it was always just the angels up above.
It was you below who merely felt their tears.
But you see with the angels now,
And through their eyes you see yesterdays dreamer, a young boy run and hide
In the triangle of trees.
No blame it was just the way it was for you back then.
No blame it was just the way it was for yesterday.
Tonight I’ll dream, tonight I’ll dream..
Of white elephants rushing in all directions…in all directions
@ Broken,
You are a poet… brilliantly written… well done you!!
@Posativagirl & PR….I hope that this will come of some good. I was sexually abused by women when I was 14. I was and still am a hyper-sensitive male. I was sexually mature and a strong young male at a very young age.The one woman that should’ve looked out for me didn’t. instead she fanned the fires out of her own narcissism. In this song/poem I am trying t get rid of shit that weights down my being so much, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I think that I want to share this because it might add light to why a guy might end up as prey to a female sociopath. This was my set up. I always have tried to please. Maybe it’ll help someone else have insight.
White Elephants
White Elephants rushing off in all directions,
To their fields cold and bare
I want to know in silent days in between what thoughts are coming to you?
You are yesterday’s dreamer, as today says goodbye.
And the dreaming is never done.
And like a child you run for the affections.
Always looking for a gentle daylight, that might be there.
I caught you standing there with all the tears you held inside.
Your eyes were filled tainted by jaded pride.
Tell me, what were after between all of your tears of laughter?
You were the first one to ever cry
…And the memories call to you from the eyes in the photograph.
…And you hear the angels cry, again on your journey back…
To a time when it was always just the angels up above.
It was you below who merely felt their tears.
But you see with the angels now,
And through their eyes you see yesterdays dreamer, a young boy run and hide
In the triangle of trees.
No blame it was just the way it was for you back then.
No blame it was just the way it was for yesterday.
Tonight I’ll dream, tonight I’ll dream..
Of white elephants rushing in all directions…in all directions
Awww that’s beautiful Broken 🙂 & thank you for sharing it with us 🙂
I am sorry that as a boy you were abused 😦
I was also by a person entrusted with my well being 😦 & like you I matured early & was very tall etc…so, lost my childhood through abuse & my body betrayed me by growing faster on the outside whilst I struggled to be a little girl inside. I was 5ft 9in at 10 & fully developed by 11!!! I peaked out at 5ft 11in but, that’s life 😉
I always felt like a child trapped inside a grown woman’s body & still recall that awful feeling 😦
I hope you get to meet a true earth angel that appreciates your sensitive soul & loves you for you & likewise for the angel 🙂
@ POS & PR, thanks for being so sweet and giving. I think that those early experiences are what set the tone for my being vulnerable to woman that are predatorial in nature. I was taught through that early pain that I humiliation was coupled with affection. If I didn’t accept these terms from women, they would abandon me. In many ways..I am blessed becasue I could have turned out to be a real prick…masagonist or worst. But I didn’t. I always look and hope for the best in women. I think I shoudl choose more carefully in the future.
Hopefully I will be lucky enough someday to find an earthangel. That woudl be nice. I’m starting to grow weary of the pain-games
Thanks again for all your words of kindness.
Hi
A year ago I found out that my boyfriend married someone else. He did the whole silent treatment towards me for 6 weeks prior to the wedding and I found out by a pic his sister posted.
During the 3 years we were together, a lot of crazy making was done. My gut was screaming to me from about 4 months into the relationship that something wasn’t right. I was looked at being the crazy one. He called me a dog, stupid, bitch, pig, crazy.
Over the course of the relationship I gave him over $8,000 to help him out.
i felt so stupid when I found out the truth. I put so much into the relationship.
It was after I found out about what he had done that I googled a few things about what he had done and came up with Sociopath. I have very little doubt that he is one.
Even today he sent me a message asking if I can help him. Pffft as if.
Tell me about it. I was completely numb. He even contacted me 3 weeks after the wedding to tell me that he still loves me and can’t stop loving me and that he wants to continue our relationship and that his wife knows all about me!!!
A year on I am a lot stronger but still have many thoughts and flashbacks of what was said and done.
I’m so sorry ex for your pain. Even though the soc’s are all similar, it still can make my jaw drop when I hear what these a-holes are capable of. Fancy having the nerve to say that after blindsiding you by marrying someone else. Grrrr. It makes me angry.
But it is me that is the crazy one……lol
The fogginess in my head that was there for many months has finally disappeared. If it weren’t for good friends and me finding positive things to concentrate on, I don’t know what I would have done. The people are very good at living two lives. Very sick individuals.
Am really pleased that you have good friends left in your life, normally they do all that they can with their manipulative games to cause problems between you and your friends, and are so controlling you are often left spending all of your time with them.
Cant believe he has the nerve to ask you for help. They really haveno conscience at all.
Hello…..I am new here, I just found this website. I am so glad to have found a place with others who have gone through the same thing. I am embarrassed to say it’s been a year and a half and I am still not past this. I don’t worry that he will contact me (he’s found a new mark) but worry about myself contacting him. I know that’s crazy. All the lies and I still could not believe it. It was just not in my realm of thinking. I turned into a crazy person myself because of reacting to the coldness and cruelty. I was told I was having “mood swings”. Of course it had nothing to do with being treated like shit. Hoping to get past this quickly with some help and support.
Welcome & please feel free to share your journey etc…
You are definitely not alone & you are safe here 🙂
I have been in Soc rehab for 6 months here but, 9 months since my own drama unfolded. I was with him for 10 years argh!
It’s a hell of a ride with the Soc & the addiction is powerful & they are like an aphrodisiac that, turns toxic.
It is hard to recover from but, you can 🙂
Remember, you never signed on to be hurt/confused or betrayed & you accepted this person into your heart & life with all good intentions 🙂
Unfortunately as we all now know, the Sociopaths intentions are far from good but, don’t take it personally as they are not connected emotionally or with a conscience.
You’d do anything for them, even lay down in a puddle so, they wouldn’t get their feet wet. They would allow you too & stand right on your back just because they can 😦
You are not alone & we are all here on this marvelous site that has helped & healed so many but, the work is up to you & it’s bloody hard but, your worth it so, you will be okay 🙂
@ Nancy….They weren’t mood swings generated out of thin air. They were generated by the emotional confusion and trauma with which that asshole was oppressing you. You aren’t crazy. You have found the right place. The people here are really kind.
While you go through the emotional trials & tribulations of ridding yourself of this loser, you might do well to write down all the weird, twisted shit he did to try and destroy you/abuse you.
Every time there is even an inkling of breaking “no-Contact,” look at that list. It’ll motivate you to stay away from that punk & save you from further harm while you get your life back which you will. Remember…all sociopaths are illusionists. That’s all you will ever get from him in the process of him trying to drain you of your wallet, emotions, and soul.
Nancy, I just read your post and can completely relate. It was like I wrote it. I actually felt like I turned into the crazy one as what I was doing was completely out of my personality. It was more my instincts telling me that something with that man wasn’t right.
It’s amazing how our gut instinct gets turned off by the Soc when, it was screaming at me but, the schmoozing was unrelenting until my gut was as confused as I was!
Honestly, the Red Flag could have fallen on my head & I would have picked it up & waved it at the Soc like a raging bull, “come & get me, here I am” & ram, right up the Patooty & flat on my face 😉 but, the clowns with the mask, always came to my aid & back in the bull ring I staggered for the next round with the nasty bullish Soc! 🙂 LOL
It must be a very hard existence But still a debilitating mental health illness . Look at me ten and half years of it and a lovely little caring child stuck in between this ho for circus and I am still trying to find a way to explain their behaviour. May be it is more forme thAn i can say just lime alcoholism this is an illness and I can then manage the devastation he caused my kids and me.
My blood daughter finding it hard she keeps crying in school for her father and today when i picked her up she crying and I caught her faction my hands and kissed her tears . She then put her head on my me and while i was talking to her teacher i loomed at her and I saw,tears in the corner her eye. I never seen such a sad face in a child before in my life . My heart broke to a million pieces. Luckily her big brother was there and he came up to me and said why do we not go do some Christmas shopping after school but not before we go and have a really nice tea. He asked her what she wanted ,she said Pizza Hut ND he said find the whole trip is on big brother !!!
,He has finished university last year and just this year found a job , so he was going to treat her any way yesterday. She quickly smiled and i just loved to see her trot up the school path holding her brothers hand. A few minutes ago ,it was just a completely devastating scene. Her teacher told me I think she is finding this all too much to manage for her.
She is very soft you know . Of course i know my daughter she is kind,gentle ,caring just like her mum. Both my kids are and i am do glad that she did not turn out like her father .
Today he called thirty times and twenty five emails. YEZTERDAY the phone did not stop gill past twelve at night and started at :7.05 am
This morning
I opened an email from him and he wants to know if i will give him another chance. . I deleted all his emails disconnected the phone off the wall.and told my son not to answer his calls but now he us ringing in numbers we do not recognise they are a few so how can I tell my son not answer his mobile as it could be a call for him. But soon as he hears his VOICE he puts the phone down..
I am so lucky v my to have such wonderful caring kids .
Why would i want a useless bum like him and hid sociopathic mother and brother as well. Together they drive any one insane.
Luckily i live far away from those two and never have contact with them. He is living with them now and i wondered what happened go Jo’s wonderful new mark she dropped him from China or his brother and mother are entertaining g different partners over the holidays and do nit want him killing on the sofa
I just deleted all his emails and blocked him.
Felt good . Tomorrow will be one month since he tools me he was going to work and went off on holiday with this woman from China.
Wow how quickly the mighty has fallen !!!
Just focus on yourself & your healing & remember you are not alone here.
Stay No Contact if you can? It is imperative that you distance yourself from the Soc.
It’s a long hard road back but, your worth everything & more so, fight & claw your way to freedom if you have too, your worth it & the Soc is worthless.
You deserve a better life & you will have it, just believe in yourself & your worthiness 🙂
Everything will be better, keep strong on the no contact. Theres a lot of apps that you can put on your phone and your computer that block calls, text and email from his phone, private numbers and unknown numbers. If you are nit ready to change your number it is a good solution.
Stay strong!
Isn’t it funny how it is the little things you remember and think “yep, a sociopath”. About 4 months ago I was in contact with my Sociopath. He asked me for money and I said no (oh the power!) And I had no response after that. At the time my 14 year old dog was in a lot of pain and my family had decided to put him down. This was a huge deal for me and I told him. We have blackberry messenger so I know if he has read my messages and he didn’t even read that message. He decided to ignore me. He would have also known about my dog as it was my status. No doubt because I didn’t give him money. That is his pattern though, if you don’t give him what he wants, he will ignore you. Such a selfish person. He didn’t win control of me and he didn’t like me so he discarded me.
I have to admit, that since he asked me for money the other day, my anxiety has increased. Such an a-hole. Why should I give him money? So he can buy nice presents for his wife? So he can continue the “look at me I am rich” lifestyle that he likes to parade around to everybody. He is sick. What in his twisted mind actually makes him think I would give him any money at all after what he did to me. He isn’t even thankful that I helped him out all the time. He actually told me that $8,000 isn’t a lot of money!! He didn’t even understand or see how him asking me for money all the time made me uncomfortable and making me wonder why he was with me, the money or love. I am absolutely kicking myself for not protecting myself and my bank balance. Money isn’t everything but I went without a lot of times to help him out. The thanks I got was finding out by his sister that he married someone else.
It wasn’t just money, it was your money 😦 & as he doesn’t attach emotionally to you, he doesn’t attach to your money either 😦
He’s an ass wipe & you must never give him a dime or your time ever again. He’s a leech & will continue to suck & drain anyone who gives to him.
You are out of pocket yes but, you are richer than he will ever be 🙂
Aw ex…. it is such a demeaning or devaluing feeling when they take money from you, or ask for it, or steal….
For me, it made me feel awful. Try to remember that for them, without the full range of emotions, it simply is business. Hasn’t he got a job. Tell him that YOU are not his career option. If he doesn’t earn enough get a better job. Or get a job, whatever is the case…
Yeah, he tries to create businesses and projects to get himself money. Sociopath much? Lol. I just tell him to ask his wife lol.
I came across this site last night & find it fascinating. I even read some of the articles to a friend who has been there for me before during and after my experience with a SOC & we both found It eerily fascinating & horrific how his personality is detailed so accurately & reads like a 100% accurate fortune telling (if such a thing exists). Let me start by saying I am a gay male (haven’t read an entry by one on here yet) & I seem to be a MAGNET for SOCs. I was in a ‘committed’ relationship with SOC #1 for 11 years (!) He followed the usual assessment/flattery stages as he started seeing me while still living with his ‘ex’ of which he worked with & I let him move in with me of which was to be TEMPORARY until he found a place of his own. He played his ‘charming’ act so well, me, being the guy who had no interest in co-habitation thought that maybe I had it all wrong because he was SO nice! So thoughtful! Had dinner on the table when I got home from work! he paid rent money! I had more extra cash! he had nicer furniture than I did! I decided that it worked out so well that we decided to remain living together & moved from my 1 bedroom apartment into a larger one upstairs so we would have more room & a nice view of the city (12th floor downtown). I cursed at myself for never giving this kind of set-up a chance! We both signed the rental agreement & on the first night together there he showed what ended up being his ‘TRUE” colors. We initially only had one key to the apartment so he agreed to be home from work (oh-and he still worked with his EX!-which drove me crazy because they STILL hung out after work-or so he SAID). I was excited about moving into a nicer apartment with nicer things so I stayed about 15 min after my shift to go around the office & gush about the great guy I had met & how we had a great apartment & how wonderful life was etc..Well, when I got home about 15 min later than usual I was greeted by a MONSTER. He started yelling, “You’re a this (expletive)! You’re a that… & I felt like I was in the twilight zone! I dealt with angry collections cardholders all day so I was used to hearing yelling but not coming from this wonderful guy! He was FURIOUS because he said that he could have stayed at THE BAR later if he knew I would have taken so long to get home! I had an issue with him going out for drinks after work with his EX as it was already so I simply gave him the silent treatment & later told him that I didn’t believe that any of the names he was calling me were true but was disappointed with the choice I made by allowing him to live with me & couldn’t help but wonder WHAT I had gotten mixed up in! The next day he apologized & I just told myself that he slipped up once & that ‘mask’ was the exception & the nice guy I knew was the ‘rule’. He shaped up. He was nice again. I felt relieved. We moved into a house after the rent was to increase. He made it a point though to distance me from ‘HIS’ Friends-those he worked with. They were nice to me when I saw them but he had me convinced that they thought I was ‘weird’ & I later learned that he had told them that I thought they were weird! This was the PERFECT manipulation tool to keep us from being friends. They knew his SECRETS & he didn’t want me mixing with them because I might find out. Turns out he is going out with all kinds of other guys in private & began to control his co-worker ‘friends.’ I would be the innocent one & rather than ask him when to expect him home, I would look in his appointment book (he was a hairdresser) & would judge the time I would have dinner ready by about an hour after his last appointment. On so many occasions he would not be home when I expected, so I would call his cell & get voice mail. At some of the awkward parties with his ‘friends’ they would encourage me to hang out with them more but I was brainwashed that they didn’t like me & figured they were just being polite yet a few of them gave me their numbers so on one such night that he wasn’t home I called one of them & asked if he was still at work & would be told something like, “Oh, he left at about 5:00” keep in mind it was after 10 pm by this point! FINALLY he would stroll in the door & my 1st question would be, “Where have you been? Why didn’t U answer my calls?” & he would say, “I’ve been BUSY!” “Doing what?” I would ask, “WORKING” he would say, so I would tell him that his co-worker said he was done at 5 pm! Then he would ALWAYS say, “Oh, I was with a client…we went out for drinks” I learned later that after that happened a few times his ‘friends’ stopped answering this was because he basically threatened them; IF HE (me) CALLS- DON’T ANSWER IT. It turned out that he had a double life. He was screwing with all kinds of other guys behind my back & when his friends would see him picking up on some guy he would tell them we had an open relationship–yet when I suggested such a thing he scoffed at it & said that was ‘terrible’ & that I was awful for suggesting such a thing (since I was well aware of the male libido & figured we could explore this TOGETHER). It turned out he had a totally separate-secret life & eventually started seeing this young unemployed kid behind my back…lied about it even though it was OBVIOUS something was up (he also had a BF that he lived with and they ‘cheated’ together all day in his apartment. He denied that anything was going on & told me I made it all up in my head (I had known him 11 years yet this was the first time he had a ‘friend’ that he would visit for HOURS every day while I worked! Eventually after more than enough gaslighting & lies he FINALLY admitted that he was seeing the kid & I had 30 days to leave the house. 3 days later he changed it, he wanted me out THAT DAY! (he had moved out to be with that kid & was nice enough 2 let me stay in the house with our 2 min pins (that he used to tell were the ‘glue’ that held this ‘family’ together!) I put my foot down. I told him if he wants me out that quickly I need 1. a moving truck & 2. a place to stay until I found my own place. He ended up setting me up to stay at his EX (his co-worker he left for me). We SHARED a moving van. I began to put things into perspective living on the ‘other side’ with HIS friends! I did have a blast because he was so helpless! The first night he tried 2 control me by telling me NOT 2 go out to bars & begged I tell him how to turn on the PLAYSTATION! His Ex said I was way too nice after I explained how to turn it on…Turns out I had a lot more in common with his ex! I am a musician, his ex is a singer. We had fun together ordering karaoke CDs & I learned that he had tried to turn us against each other & when confronted he would tell me his friends are ‘2 faced’…..He was a scam artist & taught me that there ARE people out there who are simply hollow shells who will USE U for what they need when they need it then DISCARD u once they find a new SUPPLY!
Once a cheat, always a cheat. You hit the nail on the head, you are their supply until they find a better supplier or you can no longer supply them with the source they rely you for.
Your story fascinated me. Especially the way he didn’t want you to be friends with his friends. My sister had a friend who did exactly that. Spun stories and drama about people to the point where my sister didn’t like these people. My sister is no longer friends with this woman. Of course, she put it all back onto my sister. Good riddance to all of these people. They are a disease who make you so confused about everything and make you second guess yourself so they can get away with their game.
Yes he is out of my life…Sadly very shortly after I ran into another one! This one lived with his ‘partner’ & later claimed that their relationship was all for show, and when I told stories about how my 11 yr monster lied and was physically abusive this one assured me that he didn’t lie OR commit violence…basically created a mask that was the opposite of what I had fled from…He professed love 4 me within a week or so (I had my own house, car, steady job, stability that he lacked). He tried to convince my friends that he was in love with me and asked, “well how long does it take?” when they explained that I had just gotten out of a long term relationship & wasn’t ready to start a new serious one! Time is running against them! They know that we will see behind their mask soon enough! Another one I ran into after this one actually said, “marry me now…get to know me later!” and “If U knew the real me you would RUN” talk about RED FLAGS
This is common unfortunately to meet one then another… I think this can happen, when you are broken about the last. The new one walks in faking to be opposite in every way mirroring you that they are just what you are looking for, and not like your ex.
Aha!! Sounds like my ex. He said I love you after a week. I actually thought I misheard him the first time but he started to say it and write it regularly. His marriage to his first wife was just for show (it was cause my parents knew him before I met him and had met the ex-wife and said there was no love there). And then when I found out about his new marriage, he said he married his current wife for a reason, he met her a month before the wedding and that he can’t stop loving me. Blah blah blah. All excuses for their lies and manipulation.
Oh yes SOC #3 did the exact same thing. Sometimes I joke about the fact it seems that they ALL go to the SAME SCHOOL! They use the same games/deception/mental fames & get mad if U compare them to the previous EX who did the same crap (yet a liar is a liar)! SOC #3 appeared at my workplace. Had his friends give me his # & ask me to call. He later said he thought I was ‘out of his league’ so he didn’t want to risk rejection face to face so he waited until his day off to have his # given to me! I made the mistake of having him over so he wouldn’t get another DWI (found out later his license was suspended-risk taker)& told him where I was and how I didn’t trust anyone…he proceeded to take my story & claim that ALL his exes cheated on him & he knew EXACTLY what I was going thru & he was going to PROVE 2 me that 1 man forever is what he wanted (yet he had already slept with more people at our company in his first month as compared to my 20 years there!) Loose! He has a string of trivial sexual relationships & was trying to convince me that he was honest and faithful…
He ended up proving that he was the exact opposite of who he claimed to be!
Oh, thank you everyone so much. I’m so happy to have found this site. Yes, whenever I got upset I was accused of “mood swings” or “you’ve been around your girlfriends again, they are such a bad influence!” When confronted with lies, it was “you’re never wrong are you?!!!!” End of subject. I like the writing things down idea. Am going to start tonight. Thank you, again.
@POSITIVE and PHOENIX,
I just received a text this morning from my ex-SOC. This is it:
“I was just delving into how intuitive you are (hope that’s the right word). You really are amazing the way you think. You are too smart for people and this world. I feel very fortunate to you to have gotten to know me. You made me think about my personality and the way I am around other people. I didn’t think much about what I said and did and how it effected the people around me. I am now……Thank you. You will always be adorable to me. Love ya and Merry Christmas!!!!!!
I do miss hanging out with you and talking. You my friend were always interesting.”
Kind of oddly satisfying. I am not interested in hooking up with her madness again, but appreciate the fact that I made her think. I was very succinct and to the point with her in regard to what I thought she was (a SOC) and read her a list of the shitty things she said and did while in our relationship. I already went through her superficial thanks and “I’m doing great now that we’re done” dialogue. But it is interesting that she is actually acknowledging these things about herself that I know she has refused since forever to acknowledge to anyone including her own immediate family she was raised with. Life is crazy.
Phoenix & POS, how do do you read this…is it a trap to hook me back in?….what do I need to watch out for? I plan on remaining No-COntact.
They often do this. Thank you at the end for how you have helped them. Often with this will come the line how you have taught them to be a better person and they will be better next time. It could be a hook back in. It’s more original than hi how are you? 🙂
You are already doing the right thing 🙂 staying NO CONTACT.
It is a contact to perhaps bring her back in or to make her feel better about herself. Either way, silence is the best answer & it speaks volumes. She will probably get annoyed if you don’t respond but, whatever you do, never break NO CONTACT.
It’s just a game to her & she will play it through till the end.
Have a Great Christmas 🙂
Keep writing & performing etc…you can move forward with a much brighter, stronger outlook in 2014 🙂
It’s all waiting for you & you can leave the Soc in the past & create a bigger & better life for yourself 🙂
I love this blog! After another round of him cheating on me and lying about it (5th time that I know of) and me sitting there trying to understand how someone can be so cold and unemotional to the fact he had done this to a person he claimed to love – I began to investigate. I came to the conclusion no “normal” human could treat someone like this and feel no empathy, sympathy, remorse, guilt or even try to understand how his actions affected me. Then I found it – he’s a sociopath all the traits fit him. Knowing this helps with everything. I sometimes question myself if I’ve come to this conclusion in a bid to interpret his actions however the traits all just fit too well. I’ve been lied to about the most stupid things, to the most dangerous (lying about getting tested for STIs after he slept with numerous women just so he could get into my pants again). I always thought I had some sort of control over the relationship however it was me being played as a fool all along I think this is the hardest part to understand. I’ve found it hard talking to my friends about this they just brush him off to be a horrible person however I know there is so much more too it. He has no close friends, the ones who do are all involved in drugs so he can get some sort of benefit from them, he lies, cheats, has always been involved in crime, he has the most charismatic and charming personality he even told me he “lights up the room when he walks in”, he says he’ll change then doesn’t, he tells me everything I want to hear, he can’t take responsibility for his actions he always blames me, he’s impulsive – just the other day he bought a kitten?! He’s taken my money, made money off me and spent it on drugs. How did I let all these things take place it just seems so clear now however I let it go on for two years always taking him back…I’ve cut the contact after waiting at his house from 10pm until 6.30am with him not coming home after an argument then finding out he was with the girl he cheated on me with..he hasn’t tried to call YET although I’m assuming he still thinks he can use me for money or sex again – the strange thing is some part of me wants him to call me even after knowing all of this. I can’t wait for the day when I truly feel okay again.
I recently broke up with someone I think may be a sociopath, I googled how to get over a compulsive liar and stumbled across your blog, is there a way to share my story and get support and see if he really may have been a sociopath?
Yes if you share on this thread Stacy, a lot of people have this particular post saved to email future comments. So it is the best place to put it. Obviously it is Christmas, so there might be a delay in response. Many people googled compulsive liar…. and found sociopath…. I know that I did too.
I hope everybodies Chrias was great and Spath free. Mine was. Yay!! One good thing,,,,this year I got a little bit of money and tonight I thought “this year I can spend it on myself.” In the past for Christmas and birthdays, if he found out I got money, he would say “can u give it to me” or “can I have it?” Or a week later he would need money for something. Knowing money was a gift and he still asked for it. Truly amazing.
Ours was a roller coaster for three years. Met online, was swept off my feet by lies (he was separated and going thru courts for child support) told me he was single and living with friends. Very handsome guy and he knew it. He charmed my socks off and within a month he was questioning how I felt for him. We went on our first vacation abroad after six weeks and this was when I saw the first sign that something was wrong. He ‘arranged’ a meeting with an acquaintance one evening, her job was to convince me that all women love to be with other women. I was not budging that it wasn’t my thing. He called me boring as the girl tried to convince me I loved women too and should try a threesome. In disgust I walked away and left them. The next morning, instead of an apology he was furious that I embarrassed him and called me all sorts of names … I felt like my knees were going to fail me.
We stopped talking. he begged me back and … it just got worse. He downplayed my profession, my intelligence, my friends. And at the same time bought me a flat screen TV and access to his Amex. By this time however, I was so wrapped up in helping him with his ventures, I was loosing myself and compromising my job. I spent so much money bailing him out of one venture when his job forgot to give him his paycheck, and I never saw that money back. He asked me to add him to my insurance, and promised to pay but never have. In fact, he denies he ever promised to pay. I started finding condoms in his travel bags, sheets of papers with user names for women from New York to New Jersey, North Carolina, Florida, Jamaica, Canada …. He got business calls all hours of the day and night. He’d have weekend business trips at the spur of the moment and all his promises for our trips and times together never happened. In fact he would tell me to plan the trips, and then if I tried to check dates with him he accused me of not listening to his instructions. It just got worse, I kicked him out he came back. He never apologizes by using the word sorry. All his past relationships were his exes fault.
I think my SOC new he was a SOC. He watched the history channel over and over and was fascinated by programs about Hitler. He would remind me though he didn’t like the man – just how he was able to control and lead. His sexual appetite is SICK so SICK I dare not spell it out here. He challenged my christian faith and God’s existence. He pushed the envelope so far I am sure he’s blasphemed every other day.
The funny thing is, he thinks he is normal. He is in fact well-learned and has held visible positions in business – till they fired him. His family thinks he is possessed – he told me once his name was Lucifer and he knows he is going to hell. One time, in the midst of an argument, he was lying on his bed and kicked me in my chest I fell back. I tried to call the cops and he took the phone. Later that day he emails me that he talked to his lawyer and his lawyer agrees he is the victim because his knee was sick, and even though he is 6′ 3″ and I 5 foot even – I should be lucky he is not pressing charges.
He worked for a college in another state (where he lived with friends – though he’s never shown me where he lived). Always boasted how lucky someone like me was to have him in my life. He has an MBA but no focus – always starting different businesses and demanded my time be committed to his ventures.
In the end, he got frustrated because I never became that ‘woman’ he wanted me to become. One who was okay with orgies with other women, and any other sexual fetish his other girlfriends permitted. I haven’t even given the half of my story and wish I could. But I just want others to know, these SOC are evil and are attracted to good with the only aim to soil them as they are soiled. My SOC wanted me to stop going to church and admit that I was depraved as he was because of issues about my childhood I confided to him. He actually admitted that when he was done with me he didn’t want any other man to have me.
He tried to come back two months ago by ‘confessing’ how he now believes in God because he can prove it through scientific means. I told him who he was and now he hates me and told me I am so screwed up he wouldn’t be surprised if when I truly looked at myself that I would commit suicide. In the beginning he said he feels the world is made up of two kinds of people winners and losers and losers are a waste of space and are there to be led by superiors. He said he is kind to children only, but adults are fair game and deserve no pity for their mistakes. He has no friends. My sweet revenge was a month ago he texted me and asked me to pray for him because he could not lift himself out of his depression like he usually is able to do.
STAY AWAY. THEY CANNOT BE HELPED. ONLY GOD HIMSELF CAN CHANGE ONE.
HI POS & PR..Happy Holidays!.I’m getting there..I wrote this last night:
It’s called invincible (when I say “l leave a skeleton in my wake” its a play on words. The skeleton definitely implies death…but it is the death of my past which I’m leaving in the wake, or void of displaced water a ship leaves behind. Its not about my death. The song is about finding the strength to move on. The town is a euphemism for the girl. The “westside” is a beautiful area in my region)
INVINCIBLE
Packed my bags, I’m taking flight into the night, I’m seeing change.
And endless possibilities wait ahead for me, I’m taking in their range.
This town blinded my soul. It’s time to let it go before I’m too blind to see.
SO come September I’m leaving this town, I’m tired of feeling down.
And there’s nothing left here good for me.
I’ll leave a skeleton in my wake of lonely sins and bad mistakes,
and all these foolish small town jealousies.
I ain’t giving up, I ain’t giving up.
I’m invincible, I’m invincible when I see..
And with the wind at my back I’ve cut the chain I’m free.
Hello brother sky my friend. Are you sad again, so go ahead and let of your pain.
And let your sacred tears come down and wash this ground I’ve walked I understand your rain.
This place it broke my heart, it’s time I do depart. I’ve got nothing to hold, and I’ve got nothing to feel.
SO come September I’m leaving this town, I’m tired of feeling down.
And there’s nothing left here good for me.
I’ll leave a skeleton in my wake of lonely sins and bad mistakes,
and all these foolish small town jealousies.
I ain’t giving up, I ain’t giving up.
I’m invincible, I’m invincible when I see..
And with the wind at my back I’ve cut the chain I’m free
If I stay here, I know I’m gonna die. I gotta leave here, I’ve got to learn how to fly like a child in a dream again,
I’m facing south, I turn to the right, and fly to the Westside.
They’ve got sun there, and I heard it’s the best side.
Come September I am leaving this town
Come September I am leaving this town
I ain’t giving up, I ain’t giving up
I’m invincible when I’m free.
by LDA
That was hauntingly beautiful & I’m sure even more so if heard in person 🙂
Keep writing & pouring your self into your writing as it is a fantastic healing took & hopefully one day it will be on Youtube & others will enjoy it & relate & heal 🙂
Keep going & find your Westside soon 🙂
Love & Light
PR xoxo & Happy New Year 🙂
@ PR & KEL, thanks so much for appreciating it. Things are starting to click for me musically a little eat a time. My band is adapting some of my original music, so maybe something might happen. It just feels good to get it out.
I actually ran into my ex-SOC over Christmas. ITs funny….but the obsession is gone…she holds no more power. ITs done. IT was actually funny how she sent me this “heartfelt tex” 3 days before Christmas telling me how much she has reflected on her behavior and how selfish destructive she is to the people around her, but then proceeded to act like the same selfish mean wack-job she really is after a couple drinks. The sad part is that its almost as though she can’t help it. Her self-awareness runs about as deep as puddle of rain. But, quite honestly, I mostly found humor in her ridiculousness. She came out with a spontaneously rude comment to me….I actually laughed outloud at her (not in a mean way). When I laughed that is when I knew I had overcome this crisis.
So, overcoming the obsession of “wanting the SOC” takes time. But if you take that time and NO-COntact, and truly figure that person out (the posts on this site will most definitely lead the way), when you finally do bump into them and watch their antics, you will realize just how pathetic and absurd they really are. Even if the SOC is physically attractive and “holding sway” in a bar and you see them, watch them the way they have watched you. You’ll find that their behavior is similar to an immature brat. You gotta laugh at people like that. They’ll never grow up because they are happy with the way they are.
I think these people came into our lives for a reason & to show us the way or teach us a lesson.
I think your music will & has benefited etc…so, that’s a good thing to come out of all the drama & hurt that the Soc creates.
Like you I have observed my Soc (from a distance) & now see him for what he is, (nothing) & I am just finding myself & battling on to recreate the life I feel I need 🙂
It’s a shock to the system to go through this experience but, we have & we have survived 🙂
We have traversed the whole emotional gamut & run the gauntlet & looked at ourselves & our motivations deeper & on a more self aware spiritual level.
The Soc has made us focus on ourselves which, we should have always done.
They take more than they ever give & that should never be the ‘Deal’. The next relationship will be ‘give & take’ but, balanced & mutually respectful I hope 😉
I wish you a Soc free life & who know’s, maybe musical/songwriting fame or at the very least Peace & Love & Happiness 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@ PR and Broken
I learned from this experience to never ask anyone to give me the love and care that I don’t give to myself. (the SP uses empty promises of undying love to lure you, then to manipulate and control you). I also learned to not project the person that I want him to be, but to look underneath the facade for the person he really is … I am sure I will be tested on this …
@Broken, time, no contact and knowledge are the remedy to regain the sanity and happinnes after the disaster that a sociopath create. Mine called (again from another phone number) on Christmas Eve, he talked and talked about how sorry he was, about his mistakes, about an opportunity I remained silence just hearing I know it is a matter of minutes until the real him comes back, and then he began to accuse me of his loneliness, and when I didnt give him an answer he snapped and start to accuse me of being with another man and started using his bad words against me I just think, “so, nothing new? ” After he hangs the phone I just smiled with this peaceful feeling that gave knowing that I am doing the right thing, been far far away from Pinocchio Lala land
@ NO MORE, Yeah I say peaceful feeling is the way I felt when I bumped into her the other night. After you get past the hurt, and they no they can’t harass you anymore, in many ways it’s sort of funny (but pathetic at the same time) to watch them unravel in front of you with their own bullshit. Once YOU CAN REALLY FEEL it is no longer you but the SOC drowning in the whirlpool of their own nothingness, you feel nothing but relief. My ex-SOC was actually trying to play out an open fantasy that we still had something. I just laughed and said, ,”are you F*&king kidding me..” I feel very comfortable meeting women and and have never had a problem forming decent fun, and sometimes deep relationships with them. I had just finished playing two sets of music with an upright bass player and pianist (we were the house entertainment) and was having the time of my life and happened to be talking to a few ladies when my Ex-SOC appeared out of thin air(or so it seemed)! She was obviously trying to interfere with my socializing and was probably feeling jealous or greedy or whatever the hell those assholes feel when someone they want is getting attention from others. She introduced herself, with glib/hyper friendliness & cockiness to the two other ladies, stating “Hi I’m —–. I used to be his girlfriend. We’re still friends and stay in touch though. We looked great together!” Then she put her arm around me and said, “We still do look good together…Don’t cha think?”
I calmly announced,” Yeah but the fact is that we are not together.” The other two ladies realized she was an asshole that I didn’t really want around, and we were able to continue our conversation. My Ex-SOC made another point of coming over again and more or less demanding, “Tell me where you will be playing out so I can come see you. (then turning to the other ladies) You should here him play when it’s just him singing and his guitar. He played for me all the time in his apartment…sometimes naked.” The two other women silently forgave me for having hooked up with a wack-job. IN the end my ex-SOC’s antics only made my conversation with women more funny and interesting. She’s a moron, …a complete freaking moron who made a total ass of herself. I calmly told her to “please stop interrupting my conversation with the party goers and do not attempt to bully the women I was talking to or I’ll ask the host to have you leave. Now please let me enjoy myself.” She sulked like a freaking 13 yr. old and before walking away said, “I was just trying to have fun and be happy go lucky. Sorry you don’t like me anymore. I’m still very attracted to you.” I just replied, “Hon…it ain’t happening.” I think I handled myself well and was able to put her in her place without being cruel but with firmness. I started to feel sorry for her, but then I remembered from reading so much on the topic: Sociopaths often draw you in through sympathy. It’s just another trick in their bag if charm and physical attraction doesn’t do the trick.
HI everyone !
I just stumbled onto this site and have been blessed by you all sharing your stories- there is so much in common to be learned here. My heart and prayers go out to all of you who have tasted the evil that I have as well. I WAS MARRIED FOR 20 years to a sociopath/narcissist without ever being able to understand that. I knew fairly soon after marrying him that he was not the person he had worked so hard to portray himself to be but at such a young age I had no idea what to do with that- I was 21 and of course he had charm and looks that made my family think he was a catch! Only my good friends saw thru the mask and warned me; however he quickly eliminated them from my world.
Once I had my son I was isolated even more we moved away from any friends and family and I stayed home with the baby he took control of my life completely. He controlled everything. Here he began doing the double life thing- affairs even trying to get me to move to another state and he would commute so he could spend half time with his GF uninterrupted- he really tried to set up a double life- luckily our offer on a house in another state wasn’t accepted so his plain failed. SUDDENLY ALL OF HIS SOUTHERN BOY goodness and his supposed religiosity were out the window- he had used me. I HAD NO IDEA WHO I HAD REALLY MARRIED. One day he came home and told me he had an affair and was leaving me for her- our son was two at the time. He left that night and I was devastated. After pulling myself together I saw a lawyer and tried to get the ball rolling for a separation agreement so my son and I would be protected- he would never sign anything- after 4 months He begged to come back- stupidly I relented – I didn’t want my son to grow up without a Dad but now I realize he would have been much better off !!!! Unbeknownst to me he was lying (big surprise) and continued on in his,affair for years- only an amazing liar could pull it off- we even went to counseling where he lied too! the counselors said they never heard of a man that loved his wife this much! OmG
HE COULD FOOL ANYONE! Years went by with me depressed and disgusted at our shell of a relationship where he did everything for him! He spent thousands on his trips and hobbies and ignored the kids and I- by now we had 3, and yet he was irresponsible paying bills on time and our lights would get shut off- but if I asked to take over bills he would go ballistic.I tried to get jobs and he would ruin them for me by coming to my office and making a scene.I gave up and focused so hard on being the best Mom possible to shield them from his crazy possessive paranoid ways. He read my texts- installed spyware on my computer, put hidden cameras in my house, tracker on my car- I felt like prisoner, but nobody outside knew- impossible to explain. From the outside HE seemed perfect. Alone he was emotionally abusive- the combination made me start to feel like I was the crazy one- to be continued
@Broken, cheers for you, they always have to be the center of the universe, thanks God we are not more part of this universe. I hope that you remain strong and the music let you go to new better ways. 😎
@PR, POS..EVERYONE..please listen to this THe Artisit is like a spirit that drifted in and out of the recording industry in 1970. He, Rodriguez, and his music have been rediscovered through a documentary someone did on him. The SOng is called “Crucify Your Soul.” It is beautiful and hauntingly right on.
I am so glad I found this site. Your posts have been helping me a lot. I was devoted to a man for 32 years, but just before Christmas he told me he had fallen in love with some one else, he left that night and that is it. I don’t know if he is a sociopath, he certainly has many traits that indicate he could be. He is most definately a narcissist. One of the hardest things about loving him has been the coldness and the cruelty. The lack of empathy is just so hard to deal with. No kindness, no warmth, no care, no compassion. Cold and hard.
I think there are two types of people in the world. Those who see life as a journey, and other people as fellow travellers. Some you travel with for a long time, some only a short time. When you need help, others help you carry your bags, and when others need help you do the same.
Then there are those who see life as a war. Shoot the other people before they get you. Problems arise when a “traveller” meets a “warrior”. This is how we were. I am a traveller and I like to be happy in my journey. i like to help people and I am grateful when they help me. My ex is a warrior, always trying to gain advantage, pillaging and sucking the life out of others, (me) and giving little.
I am now trying to work through the pain of all the years of abuse and wondering who on earth I am.
it is good to know I am not alone, cos it feels like that sometimes.
@ No More Insanity – mine doesn’t contact me any more, trying to suck up, because I not only have called him on ALL of his bullshit, and offered my opinion on his douchebaggery, but the last time he made contact I asked him for the balance of the money he owes me. (which of course he is so much of a chump that I haven’t seen) I have since blocked him from work and home email, Facebook and I have limited my public LinkedIn profile.
The few friends he has still contact me … which is weird, though I never had a problem with them and I certainly don’t initiate contact. I won’t respond in the evening, and if I do, it’s during work hours and it is very brief. I never ask them how they’re doing. Mostly because I just don’t care.
No contact all the way! Wooooo Hooooo.
and Happy New Year – all of the best to you in 2014.
@Darling…they are predators and lay siege to your life when you are totally unaware of it. When their life gets to pathetic or boring, they will seek you out. If you can get past the physical attraction thing (sorry I’m a guy….but it does count), and the emotional aspect which is really only a shadow of nothing, then you are home-free. Domestic animals, I say that with respect, are actually further evolved spiritually than the SOC’s. Hang out with them for an evening once you’ve figured them and their emptiness out………they are a shell. When you come across true human beauty in the future and are attracted to it, I predict you will have much more appreciation for it. SOc’s don’t know how to be human, and if you actually corner them (politely) they will admit that their “thinking” doesn’t really seem normal sometimes. You are potential prey in their eyes always.
It’s a shame that we have to go through such time and pain to reach the point that we “have to figure someone out because they hurt us” before we can grow into the person we need to be. But as Phoenix points out, it may be what we we’re supposed go through and to see. I have this weird idea that most of us are angels, or however you want to look at it, agents of the light that brought us here . Our spirituality is checked by our own free will and the consequences of those decisions we make. The lights dim around certain people and in reflection of our own behavior. We can change our behavior so that the light stay bright, and sometimes when we can enact change in people around us that are doing fucked up things. But You can’t change a SOC. You can’t change a predator. They are programmed to maim. The lights dim around them. It’s best to stay away from them, or get over the hump and learn to laugh at them, because you will see they are freaking morons once you get back in touch with your own light. It’s illegal to completely make them go away.
It’s best to stay away, but if you run across them, you really need to assume a kind of Hemmingway-ish kind of machismo (until it just becomes from a natural place of inner light and strength which will yield the same results) of laughing at them. That is how you can kill the devil. Laugh at him/her. S/He freaking hates it
I did something a bit silly last night. I wished the Spath a Happy new year. His response was rolling eyes icon. Nice hey.
I just get this feeling that he thinks I am the one that did wrong. Sure, I went crazy, but with good reason as it turns out. How come I am subjected to such rudeness when I am trying to be nice? I find it so hurtful after everything I did for him and he treats me like this.
Great way to start the new year hey. Absolute loser he is.
@Ex def an S
I doubt he even perceives it as rude behavior. As you know, they think about themselves. If he doesn’t care about or like New Year’s, it could be an expression of his own preference. Who knows.
@ Ex Def an S – he’s rude because he’s an a$$hole. That’s the only answer. You didn’t do anything to “deserve” it, other than open yourself up to his hatefulness. I think there is a definite disconnect in the mind of the sociopathy – they lie to everyone, including themselves, and will NEVER take responsibility for their part in the drama they’ve created. These SPs always see and portray themselves as the victim. It’s fcuking pathetic.
Save your energy and be nice to people who deserve it, he obviously doesn’t. You are giving away your power (over your own life and feelings) by continuing to make an effort to appease him. You might also want to ask yourself why you feel the need to be nice to him – I can’t relate because the last few times the jerk tried to contact me to suck up, I tore a strip off of him. I already know I’m a nice person, and I also know not everyone is going to like me or treat me fairly. Soooo, since he’s proven he’s not worthy of my respect or consideration, the truth is, I don’t care enough about him any more to wish anything good or bad for him.
What a wonderful blog and an amazing way for people who are dealing with the devastation left by an encounter with a sociopath. (I found it because I was doing some research to write an article on dating sociopaths). I have recovered well, but was married to a sociopathic narcissist for 13 years. Back then, I didn’t know there was a label for the behavior and even those years of manipulation and lies weren’t enough to keep me from allowing myself to be stung by another type of sociopath BUT for all of you suffering and wondering if you will ever feel better, I offer a resounding “Duh… of course you will!” The most important first step is the no contact rule. ANY communication is a way for them to pry the door open a little wider and wiggle themselves back into your life. They groom like any other predator so the break must be complete because any more communication feeds the addiction they’ve carefully fed to get and keep you under their control. Happy New Year everybody.
Happy New Year & re the grooming, we need to groom ourselves as we love ourselves & remain mindful of only grooming our own self & not letting others groom us:)
Love & Light Still Happy…stay happy in 2014 🙂
PR xoxo
I’ve missed you since your trip from Bali. Lol. Here’s to 2014. Wishing all of us well!! Lots of love, great fortune and wonderful adventure in the year to come!!
NIBSIH 🙏🎉😘
Thank you. I think you hit the nail on the head. I was silly to have put myself in that position expecting him to be nice.
Funny how, when he wants money he starts it with “dear” but can’t be civil towards me any other time.
I was in a fake relationship with a sociopath for about a year and a half, and in that time I got pregnant and had a child. I saw signs right away, but chose to ignore them – I thought he was just another guy/person with issues that could be worked out. I had no idea what he was and had never encountered a sociopath before. Things got progressively worse in the relationship – mental, verbal and emotional abuse escalating, cheating, lying, manipulating, gaslighting, etc etc (I don’t have to go into detail because you all know the traits). I am now in a custody battle over my son who is not even 6 months old yet. He has tried to flip all of his insanity on me – trying to say I am mentally ill, I have a drug problem (he uses drugs) and that I am a liar, etc. Not only am I dealing with the acceptance and reality that I was with a sociopath but now I have to work though the havoc he is causing in mine and my family’s life and the worry I have that this man will ever be an influence in my son’s life (and also for our current safety- he sent a shady character to my home and has made numerous threats to me). He has another woman (who moved into my former apt with him only a week after I moved out) and he is manipulating her to help with his custody case. I guess I am posting this not so much for an answer – because of all the reading I have done online I have not read a positive outcome of a child custody case with a sociopath – but more for support and maybe some advice on things that deter a sociopath. He does have a short attention span, and moves from state to state- he doesn’t seem to be anywhere for more than a year or two – so I was hoping he would move on soon so I can move on with my life and make plans for a positive future for my baby boy. Thanks and positive energy to all who have to deal with people like this.
Happy New Year & I wish you abundant love & happiness always 🙂
I am good & sticking to my path of healing etc…Bali was fantastic 🙂
My daughter had a car accident upon my return but, thankfully is okay now 🙂 It’s been up & down but, I have remained resilient 🙂
I have to have root canal work next Monday so, that’s a bummer but, at least I have teeth 😉
All part of the process I think & good health is imperative!
I will be back at my gym (closed for hol’s) but, walking heaps 😉
I ate my body weight in food over Xmas & NY so, oops what’s new!!! LOL….Lindt Choc is my favorite & I think I’ll have my ashes scattered there when I drop off my perch 😉 in 50 years time hopefully 😉
Hopefully my old piggy Soc ate as much because, he was already obese so,that will definitely break the scales & his “you know what” will disappear forever under his blubber 😉 Oink,Oink …
You are not alone & I believe you 🙂
Stay here & share your story & find support & validation.
Stay focused on you & your healing as it takes time to process this experience. If you were in for years then, it can take years?
I was stuck for 10 years but, feel really good & it’s been probably 6 months total No Contact & 9 months since I realized I had been dating a Sociopath!
So, there is light at the end of the tunnel & you are already here 🙂
Yes Darling, you are 100% right. I have no Idea why I do this to myself after what he has done.
I am making this year as the year I concentrate on myself and look after myself. I have had 3 weeks off work, I am feeling relaxed and like my old self (to a degree, I don’t believe I will ever be my old self after what happened). I got my hair done a bit differently, got some nice make up and going to start making an effort again on my appearance. The last year I gave up on my appearance and felt like I wasn’t good enough for a man. I got dressed up for New Years, the first time in a while, and felt amazing, that was when I decided it was the year of me. 🙂 I know appearances don’t mean everything but it is a start to getting my confidence back.
I’m not sure when I first started noticing. A certain difference when compared to other people which I just thought of as weird. Inconsistencies in behaviour, lying perpetually to others without second thought. The look in his eyes when someone pissed him off really badly, as if he would murder them if he could get away with it. Manipulative to the point of self-manipulation. Deception to the point of self-deception. It was quite odd to sleep in the same bed with a Sociopath.
But also quite freeing. I didn’t tell him that I knew what he was for a long time, while studying his behaviour. He’s never told me any hurtful lies, he’s gentle to me in the streets and the sheets, and places my needs (mostly) first.
They often say that Sociopaths cannot experience love and empathy, but they emulate these feelings well. Many say that they should be burned at the stake because they can’t feel. But I say they’re worthy of at least pity, since a Sociopath’s life is nothing but solitude.
It’s strange. He eats the same food I eat, he watches the same TV I watch, he sleeps in the same bed I sleep in.
Once I confronted him with my knowledge, he denied it at first. This is natural for someone who’s been forced to hide his true self for his entire life. After racking up the evidence against him, he eventually gave in and confessed.
When I asked him what it’s like to live without love, he asked me back what it was like to live with love. It’s a dilemma, we can never truly understand what a Sociopath feels, because we look from a vastly different perspective.
I also asked him what he felt for me, these are his exact words. “Lust, excitement, curiosity and loyalty. I know it’s not love, but it’s all thing I can offer.”
When I asked him why he was not like the Sociopaths I read about on these blogs he simply answered: “Those Sociopaths are low-functioning. They go through their lives ripping that of others to pieces. To my eyes, Sociopaths and normal people should have a mutualistic relationship, not a parasitic one.”
He immediately knew of me that I visited forums like these. When I asked him how he found it, he told me that the internet is the only place where Sociopaths are openly discussed. He also knows that, except maybe for M.E. Thompson, there are no Sociopaths willing to offer their point of view. He asked me to convey the following message: “It’s not your fault.”
He’s willing to offer his viewpoint, and told me that anyone can ask him a question through me.
In regards to Frost’s last sentence….”He’s willing to offer his viewpoint, and told me that anyone can ask him a question through me.”
Something doesnt sound right here. So, your soc wants to be helpful and warn us of things, and you are going to be his helpful partner to get the message out to us? I sense a redflag here, of course I could be wrong. I wonder what other words of wisdom he will ask you to convey.
M.E. Thompson offered his point of view. Sociopaths are not known to do introspection, let alone tell anyone else about what they are. I believe that whenever a Sociopath is willing to share his point of view, then we might as well listen. And if you don’t like what you hear, you can just plug your ears and say ‘He’s lying’
A sociopath wouldn’t tell you what you didn’t want to hear. they are experts at telling you exactly what you want and need to hear.
Due to this, it is therefore unlikely that you would shut your ears off…. and say ‘he is lying’…. as it is reverse to this, you would want his words to be true.
@worriedmom, don’t play his games, don’t react to his insanity. Your son is the new piece on his control game with you, the only way he can play the game with you is that you allowed him to do it, this is the way that they recharge, sucking the souls of others. So please, stay calm. He will be bored soon if you don’t give him more energy to recharge.
Dating a Sociopath 
So true… the first part of the battle was even coming to grips with the idea that people without conscience exist in the world. I really did believe that people were mostly good. Blew that notion out of the water. And, though I still believe God can work miracles even with these people (and that’s what I’ll pray for), the reality of what this makes the relational landscape of living in this world like can be momentarily depressing in and of itself.
The point you make about the soc wanting to keep those who are willing to strip away their moral coding, I believe, is right. I do think the ultimate goal for them is to soul claim because, when you think about it, it is the presence of their will in the absence of yours or a higher power. The irony is, it is a complete absence of control on the part of the victim. It’s a great illusion. This woman doesn’t know he has made her twice the heathen he is. He had told me they have been in “many rooms” together with others. He told me that was in his past and over (uh. yeah.) For her, him and the sex is the addiction.
While I’ll admit the sex with a soc is compelling, when you understand it is them just mirroring you, it sort of loses it’s luster. What I started thinking about was some of the things I commented on here… like how one night he gently kissed my forehead and fingers when I was falling off the sleep. It stood out because it was so uncharacteristic of him to take initiative with being tender or affectionate with me. Now, in my normal mind, I think—shouldn’t tenderness and affection have been a standard requirement??
Others can go have their hot, empty sex where the guy devalues them the day (or maybe hours) after if they want. I’ll take a real man who isn’t faking it while we’re making it, thank you. My soul, my heart, my person is just worth more than that single draw… and, let’s be honest, they ain’t good at much else.
@Jusagirl…my sex with the SOC was compelling only becausw she had an outrageously beautiful body. Other than that is was somewhat robotic. She would put me on the spot and ask me if I wanted her to perform certain acts, and if I didn’t she would say “fine cuz I’m in the mood either.” What is a guy supposed to say when a girl asks him if he is in the mood for felacio? “geez I guess not.” She promptly informed that no guycould sasisfy a woman more than she could herself. That was another real “warm cozy” for me. I started having erectile dysfunction problems because of her coldness & emasculation. She said, “the last guy I dated had problems getting it up too. I guess I make guys nervous. Young guys don’t have that problem,”
I’m not saying I’m a sex machine, but all my past partners complimented me on love making and how much they enjoyed sex with me. For my SOC it just seemed like she was going through the motions. I would try to pleasure her but she just said “sorry you can’t top my vibrator so don’t even try.” I feel sorry for her. Even if it isn’t a deep serious relationship, I always felt that sex was window into a world of spiritual wonder for two people. She’ll never experience that. To her its all about dominance and control. There’s no heart. Her sister reported to me that she often fantasizes about my 18 yr old nephew (who is a strapping handsome kid) when she masturbates. Its not just the fact that she is 45 and he 18, but that he’s my nephew. What a sick sick woman.
That sounds really hurtful broken. I just hope that you don’t allow this woman to cloud future relationships the things that she has said to you are so demeaning. I hope that you know that this says more about her than you.
Hello those who can see this, I’m sure how to post on this site but I will give it a try. Well I’m a aspie and the women I love is in a relationship with a sociopath, They have been together for almost 4 years and a couple days ago it hit the fan and he owned up to everything. That he put her down and treated her poorly because she didn’t say otherwise, he told her he gained her trust to purposely hurt her just like he did his ex among other things. She has come crying to me countless times and I try my best to help if I can. She admits to being terrified of him yet she stays with him. Is that normal? I get so confused with her actions involving him. She said last night that this is his last chance yet she has said this countless times before yet she stays. He cry’s and promises change yet after a week or so its back to the same thing. Her and I cant even be friends on Facebook because it pisses him off and she pretty much made me look like a crazy to calm him down which hurt pretty badly. I’m lost and I don’t know how to help. I try to use logic to show her his evil and she agrees yet she stays. She is truly amazing, pure of heart and doesn’t hold a grudge towards anybody. Why does she stay? I cant find answers but I found this site, I hope somebody replies. Thank you for your time.
Hi Andy welcome to the site. I think I am a female aspie too. One thing that I have learned is that you cannot change anybody else. She might run to you when things are bad and then return back to him. The thing is that only she can help herself. You cannot change her, but you can change you. I know that you want to help and don’t want to see her in pain. The reason that she stays is for a few reasons. 1. She loves him and hopes he will change (he won’t) 2. He manipulates and controls her. 3. He plays victim and she feels sorry for him 4. She has already been through so much she doesn’t want to quit realising that it was a lie and nothing was real 5. She wants to believe in him 6. She has been abused and likely has low self esteem and feels that she needs him (she doesn’t). The biggest one is that she loves him.
I just don’t understand. She tells me its because I’m a guy that I don’t understand yet I see what he does as wrong yet he sees no harm in his actions until she wants to leave. I cant just leave her to deal with this alone I need to help her there has to be a way. She has been cutting herself again and feels like she deserves the treatment she gets until I step in and when she is with me she seems okay but when she gets around him she becomes sad. She says sorry and blames herself, I’m lost and confused. How does somebody escape from something like this, I feel she is on her last legs.
@ Andy, PosG or anyone who knows? Lol.
What is aspie?
NIBSIH
Aspie=AS or Asperger’s Syndrome. what is a PosG?
Pos g is a shortened version of my name here. I have never had a diagnosis. But I read this article the other day and thought wow I can relate to a lot of this. http://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/#comment-3888 after reading that a lot made sense to me.
Thanks for clarifying that I was confused lol. I was diagnosed when I was 10 🙂 been a struggle but I manage 🙂
I finally ended our relationship yesterday and he told me to do what I wanted. And I will never know if there was any truth in the 3 years we were together.
ALL LIES from the moment we met…from his occupation as a Nurse, my confidentiality that he was a Navy Seal, him being a set of triplets and the youngest committing suicide because of HIV…
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! He never thought to tell me he was once married and has a 6 year old son who is now in the Philippines. While we were together , he hooked up with a random chick during his deployment and got her pregnant. He tells me he deeply regrets it and it was a mistake, yet he tattoos his baby daughter on his neck stating it was a reminder of his mistake. I was in disbelief…a slap on my face to remind me of his infidelity.
I found this all out after he was exposed…I guess it was a blessing in disguise. One day, I decided to go to the house where he and his twin lived because he was suppose to be back from deployment. I was concerned that something happened to him. Rang the door bell and my heart was racing so fast, and to my surprise an elder man answered the door. It was his parent’s house and then I found out who he really was.
So why did I stay until now? Because we have a 2 year old son together and I thought he would change, after all he put me through.
And now that his time in the Navy was up, we could start fresh. I wanted to desperately believe there would be good change, despite all the lies.
Now he is sick….he thinks it is Prostate cancer. I have seen him and he has dropped 20 lbs, bed-ridden, and in pain. I was suppose to take him to his biopsy and then opted out claiming he doesn’t want any more testing.
Out of the blue he asks us to move the Philippines. After having a falling out with his family, he is now homeless and is trying to find a permanent home. My son and I are his only family… and now I’ve destroyed that for him. He has PTSD, depressed, and is on pain medications of all sorts.
His last request was to move to Philippines to receive alternative cancer treatment. We would stay there for 20 days and if I liked it there, we could stay. After some hard thinking, I really couldn’t believe anything he had to offer to me anymore, regardless if he was sick or not. So I broke it off with him and his reply was to let him die in peace.
I am concerned that he might be suicidal. Should I tell his family, even though he asked me not to? I still care for him because he’s my son’s father.
Hi Insane, welcome to the site. The thing is, you don’t know what is true and what is not true. I wouldn’t advise to tell his family anything, as he could be lying – and if you tell his family, then he will make you out to be the liar. The truth is that he has made his bed, he must now lie in it. You don’t know that he has cancer. It sounds awful, but with a sociopath, i would ask for proof before you believe anything that they say 😦 cancer is a favourite one for them to make up for attention.
I want my son to grow up healthy. Would you advise to cut off all contact from his father and the family?
@jusagirly/to whomever posted this: The point you make about the soc wanting to keep those who are willing to strip away their moral coding, I believe, is right. I do think the ultimate goal for them is to soul claim because, when you think about it, it is the presence of their will in the absence of yours or a higher power.
I found this really powerful and all to true.
Lol. At that last paragraph. It could not be any truer.
Great, please check out the cd’s also, when you find yourself ruminating and can’t stop thinking about the whole sordid mess and HIM, these cd’s and her soothing voice will offer you much peace and relief
@Jusa
I hear you & agree & I remember that from my Soc & his OW’s that the people still around him are the ones that he has deemed worthy to stay as he has made them prove their loyalty to him by acting our of character etc…My Soc had the power to make grown men (fireman & policemen) intervene on his behalf to both capture me & in the end console me.
That power is phenomenal & I cannot imagine ever doing that for another, to ring a person to apologize for someone else’s disgusting behavior because,they told me too!
The OW’s that choose to stay under these circumstances have very little in common with me or you as, we would never except the knowledge of the ultimate betrayal & dishonesty that the Sociopath desires.
My Soc always said his ex wife wanted him back??? He could go back anytime if he chose to but, after she took him to the cleaners (financially) he set about keeping & punishing her forever. This is what they do, they punish you if you stay & have ever digressed so, rest assured your OW will do her penance just or the sake of it.
Leave them to it & focus on you & visualize your better life as thoughts do become actions.
Make it work, you deserve a great life & you will have it, just believe you will 🙂
PR xoxo
I’m not doubting it is dodging a bullet to not end up eternally tied to one of these types. And, I do know, no matter what his ex-wife says in support of continuing on with him, also in her own words, “There is a reason they are ex’s!” But as we know firsthand, with a soc, there is no escaping the pain and penance except through no contact.
The children have it the worst as they have no idea why their lives are in a mess. He would punish his 18-year-old daughter for weeks with silent treatment if she even mildly failed to do as he wished.
I’m not sure if I mentioned this in my email to you, but I will be taking executive coaching sessions in the coming weeks with a training professional who is a former executive that has increased multiple company’s revenues by millions. It is personal one on one coaching and I’m really looking forward to the focus on my real goals and dreams and just leaving this behind.
But, I’ll still continue going to therapy. I know I can’t bury this.
@Jusa, yes the silent treatment on their children is rife as mine did this also & played favorites! He would visit one daughter & his grand children more then the other if she hadn’t been in favor. He told me his first daughter was his favorite, that should have been a big ‘red flag’ for me as I could not fathom this thinking???
I am so proud of you & I bet this coaching will be rewarding & challenging 🙂
The Soc stuff will linger naturally as it’s an experience sent to us to learn & grow from & until we truly get it, it does stay with us I feel.
Mine lingering thoughts are sent to remind me of pushing on, especially when times are tough, I think well if you can survive this, you can survive anything.
I tell myself ‘WOW’ that happened & I’m okay :)…you can do this & as I’ve said before, you can do anything you put your mind too & you are now free to explore your own mind at your own pace without the Soc fogging your brain…you will be such a force to be reckoned with & only good will come out of that, it already has 🙂
Thank you, PR, you are an encouragement to me and I appreciate it. I’m going to take a hot bath and go to bed early. I’m coming down with a cold so, maybe I will get some sleep after all. Much love…
Sweet Dreams Jusa….you deserve it 🙂
xoxo
@PosativaGirl, The one thing I feel funny about is the topic of smear-campaigns.
I finally couldn’t take bottling up all her twisted wierd bullshit anymore. One night when I was out I blurted out the sick shit she did to me to and other shit she has pulled in her life to one of my best friends who grew up with her. WHen my ex-soc bumped into my friend and tried to bad mouth me or make it look like I was the reason the relationship went south, my firend politely hinted to her that; #1 She has known the Soc her whole life, and is aware of how she treats relationships, and #2 Posed the question to the SOC of “are you sure you didn’t play a role in it cuz I know him (me) very well and know he is one of the most considerate, and kind people I have ever met. Maybe it would be best if you stayed away from him (me) I and many people love him very much.” The SOC apparently shut down and didn’t say another word about me. She only showed distain. I just feel alittle guilty..like I Smeared her
@Positiva, could you give me some feedback on my last post. I feel bad talking shit about her publically, but its sort of like exposing her for what she is, even though many know it allready
Nikki,
your story sounds so much like ours.
http://www.rayholycross.com
we were able to put him in jail for a bit but the American justice system could give a shit. they just let him out today and he’s not supposed to be out. he’s got hundreds of female victims. it’s horrific that men like this get away with this kind of stuff because the legal system is so sexist and it is deemed our fault.
Hi Corrine. Thank you!!
Just looking at your website. How interesting. I couldn’t get to first video and the second the news one I couldn’t find a link. Can you send to me and I can share the video on the site?
Will have a good look at your site. Thanks for sharing.
@Broken, don’t worry, you have a conscience thats the reason you feel that way. You are just trying to make sense of all the insanity. What you said is truth.
@nomore..thanks..I have never felt to fucked up, confused and twisted over a relationship in my life.
Positiva, I love your blog! It has helped me so much I cannot thank you enough. It’s been one year and one month with No Contact, I was given counselling for PTSD which helped me to sleep but the actual healing has come through reading other people’s stories and your excellent insights into how sociopaths work.
I was emotionally, physically and sexually tortured by my ex for three and a half years. I lived in a different country to my family, he controlled my phone, my money and every aspect of my life. I finally escaped with the clothes I stood up in, my passport and my bank card. I have never looked back and immediately established No Contact. The hardest thing has been trying to explain what happened to me during those years to those who love me. My ex kept me socially isolated to a ridiculous extent – we lived on tiny islands, in a forest and as far away from habitation as possible so he could beat me like a dog and no one would hear it. I cannot begin to write about the abuse I suffered, it’s just too traumatic to relive and I had to avoid that part of my therapy because of the distress it causes. Suffice to say, I am now free! It is wonderful. Most of my broken bones have healed, I am now a little over-weight instead of skeletal and I can sleep without fear. Life is good.
Your wonderful blog has been an enormous support to me. I usually catch up via Twitter and on my mobile (yes! I have a phone of my own now!) but thought today was the day I should say a very grateful thank you for what you do and the hope you have given me.
Thank you so much for your very kind comment. I am glad that what I have written has helped you. What an awful time you have been through. Well done for the no contact. Am really pleased that this site has helped you.
@POSITIVA. Do you or anyone else have any feedback in regard to dreams. Everytime I think of her…and its usually at night…and its usually very sensual….., my heart starts pounding & my stomach starts turning to the point where I feel like my heart is going to burst out of chest. Its more though like a longing that I know can never be cured…its a negative draw.
I know this sounds macabre, but I literally feel like I have to envision blowing things up in order to calm myself. Everytime Her face pops into view I “explode it” in my mind. I explode her house, I explode her car. I mean I litereally have to explode them like a video game. I don’t even play video games.
I don’t know what this means, but I have never dreamed like this about any other events except those which haunt me (I have PTSD) as a veteran. I did search and rescue and had to recover childrens’ bodies. Those images haunt me as well as other memories from those experiences. These images of longing I have of my SOC register, checkin and travel through the port of my pain and on to an even deep place in my soul. I feel like I have been raped or something.
ANd normally, I would think that my blowing up the things would be a serious red-flag, but in many ways I’m doing it almost like the suspense movies when a hunted person is helplessly firing a gun in self-defense into the pitch black woods at midnight. Terrified out my mind and don’t know what to kill. But I know this whole thing has scared my soul in some way. Its deep and devil like.
I read a book real cases of possession and exorcisms in in contemporary America. Many of the spiritual wounds described by the possessed and the clergy, who offer themselves as collateral to the opposing demons, sound similair to the ones I’m having. I which the pain would go away. There are honestly some nights I want to end the torment
Dreams are not always as they seem Broken. If you are having dreams, try to keep a dream journal. A good site for interpretations (the best I think) is http://www.dreammoods.com/
So..This is my story. my brother has been dating a sociopath for the last 4 years. This woman is the most insane person I’ve ever met. About a little over a year of my brother and Tammy dating they moved in together. He was 27 and she was 38 at the time. They ended up needing help so I offered to get her a job, due to conflict of interest I could not employ my brother. In order to help him I got her the job in 2010. Worst Mistake. Two weeks after she started she sent nude pictures of herself to my boss asking to “spend the night in their underwear together and drink beer and watch movies”. She was also getting chummy with a gentlemen who worked at the same company but different department thinking I wouldn’t find out. What I do at my job is I’m pretty much the jack of all trades, I dabble in everything and talk to everyone. She only worked there for 13 months. She talked to a lot of men telling them that she had her ex living with her, that he’s a broke loser but has no where to go (talking about my brother and making herself look like a Saint), that he has no job, he doesn’t clean or do any house work, she owns both cars, he’s a good for nothing man, yada yada. My brother did and still has the same job, both cars were his; one he bought on his own the second was bought from my grandfather but with my bro’s name on the title. I though he was crazy for doing that but I digress. I had co-workers come up to me commenting about this joker Tammy was dating not realizing they were talking about my brother. As she is my brothers gf I tolerated her plus we were at work in a professional setting. We would take smoke breaks together where she would tell me her stories and they were exactly that. Stories. He ex husband (who she has not divorced yet) beat her and her kids and that he was in jail and one time he escaped and since she has high restraining orders against him the sheriffs would race to her house to protect her. Yeah I looked up her abusive husband – since public records can be easily found. The biggest thing he was arrested for was cannabis. Usually, those are pretty mellow folks.
She also told me that she was a breast cancer survivor but yet was the only human being on earth to still have both breasts AND never lost any hair or had any symptom’s from chemo and rads. My grandfather died from cancer and my aunt is a breast cancer survivor so I pretty much know the extent of the symptoms. She also stated to people at work that her youngest son, 8 at the time, had brain cancer. That she was strapped for cash and had to work during his operation. I had employees come up to me practically crying because of the black cloud following this poor unfortunate woman. I immediately texted my brother asking what was going on, the kid did have some bad headaches so he got an MRI and cat scan done. The kid was suffering stress headaches as a result from being bullied at school. I am on the events committee at my work and we discussed the option of starting a benefit for her and her son to get funds donated for his operation and condition. When that became a possible event Tammy dropped the whole thing and never discussed it again. Hmm… that’s odd… The boy wasn’t suffering with brain cancer anymore he miraculously was treated instantly.
She at some point became ‘pregnant’ when she was about 3 months is when she found out. My bro was really excited. I witnessed her numerous times outside smoking. She said that she had some RH negative factor in her blood. She never got the shot knowing that her body will ultimately reject the fetus which is what happened. She killed that baby intentionally for sympathy — poor ol’ me. She never cried. Hell, I had a miscarriage and cried for 2 months! About 2 weeks later after the miscarriage her father dies suddenly, she never went to the funeral or services. About 2 weeks after that her dog died (this is actually true) they went as far as having an autopsy on the dog to find out why she died. She also took off work, it was a no call no show. I told her she had to be written up. I became the bad person because I was doing my job. She cries and loses her shit when a dog dies but not when she killed her baby or when her father died? About 2 weeks after the dog died I find out from my brother that he father is well and alive, not dead.
My boss started telling me that she was hitting on him and saying vulgar things. Not only my boss was the one receiving juicy love notes but several other men. One man in particular showed a very huge interest in her and left her cute little love notes on her desk, flowers, chocolates, pretty much whatever she wanted. He took her out to lunch every day and she didn’t have to buy anything at all, he was taking care of her at work. After several months of them going out to lunch and banging, and her ‘working late’ but really she was banging him. Since I do payroll I see her hours and know the days my bro said she was working late, she surely was working but not on the clock. She was working penis. So after a month or so of this I spoke to the guy and told him who she was- he stopped all communication with her. She then started to stalk the guy. Which then after several months of her doing this she wasn’t getting what she wanted any more and was fired for sending him a death threat.
In August 28 of 2011 my sweet Grandmother passed (2 months before she was fired), that previous week I was in the hospital every day by her side along with my sister and father. She passed on a Sunday night so the next day I decided the worst was over and I went into the work. Not 5 minutes of being at work I had 12 people come up to me and asked me if I heard about Tammy’s grandmother who passed away early that morning. It was VERY hard for me to hold my composure but I pressed on working. I couldn’t believe she told people it was her grandmother and not only that but even lied about the time of death, who does that? About an hour after being at work I ran into Tammy who then incessantly commented why I was at work when my Grandmother just died. Kept pushing it, I had to leave work immediately because I would’ve punched her in the cooter. I went to my fathers house to hang with the rest of my mourning family. 20 minutes after arriving at my dads Tammy showed up. Who then shed crocodile tears, took my brother and left.
She scams her church to pay their rent and utility bills as if she is a struggling mother of two who lives by herself. My brother pays for almost everything. When she was fired in 2011 she then started going to school which the church also paid for. Medical school, the lowest kind possible, being a medical assistant. During some point for her schooling she had to travel to Kansas city for training in a shot clinic. Mind you we live 30 miles out of the 3rd largest city in USA.. Why in God’s green earth would she have to travel to Kansas City for training?! My brother still didn’t see through any of her lies.
December 2011 I gathered what information I could to prove to my brother all the things she lied about and the men she cheated on him with. That was the last day I saw my brother. He has not shown up to any holidays or family functions. He sporadically contacts my father but that is about it. During the last discussion with him he called me a (unt and that I am a liar and I’m the crazy one. I asked what makes him think I would make all of this up and sacrifice my relationship with my only brother for lies? He told her about all the things I said and she then contacted me and said that she was going to get a restraining order on me for harassing them. Um…what?
My question is – Is he too far gone to be saved? Everyone in my family has accepted that this is how it is but I can’t. I’ve been wronged by her after I helped her out and almost lost my job because of her. I wish there was some way I could open my brothers eyes. He carries our last name – it ends with him. He’s 30 now, I’m afraid he’s going to miss out on life. Never have kids of his own. I believe once her kids are grown and out of school which will be in about 10 years she will leave him. He takes care of those kids while she is out “going to school” and “working”. It’s hard to see my brother live in this life of a lie. He’s not the same person at all, she has totally brain washed him. I’m looking for any advice, any at all… Thanks! Sorry this was so freakin long
@SuperNova, I have to say that in some cases, the guy has to learn the hard way. It sounds like he has a little bit of the “rescuer” complex going. Its a endearing trait, but also a curse some guys have.( Alot of woman have the mothering instinct, which can also back fire on them)How he can look past her activities in denial for so long, I can’t even conceptualize. The only comparison I have is that I put up with my SOC’s bullshit for a year before I had had enough. I just started having a gut feeling like there is a whole other private world my SOC was living in that I knew little about.
I’m assuming that in the early part of their relationship he was sexually infatuated with her and may still be (those SOCs got that going for them for sure). I think he also wanted to rescue her. These two things are what drew him (I’m a guy and I know because I’ve been there). I think over time she conditioned him to put up with the madness of jealousy she casued him by ridiculing him and shaming him for #1) being weak enough to get jealous let alone show it and #2) having the gaul to confront her or complain. IN the end ..she probably gaslighted him into thinking he didn’t have the right to feel that way. This confusion is what broke down his ability over time to defend him self. She has isolated him away from his support system so no one can stick up for him. IN this sense, he has developed a very fruitless addiction that leaves one in A CONSTANT STATE OF CONFUSION AS TO WHY THEY KEEP LOOKING FOR A FIX THEY NEVER GET.
I wish him luck and safety in the future. It probably will come to head sooner or later and I hope he gets out. Rescue him and th ekids from her if you can. She will ruin them in ways you can’t imagine. I saw what my ex-SOC’s behaviors have done to her own kids’ lifes.
Before I go, I wanted to tell you how bone-chillingly similar the “lets drink beer in our underwear” comment was to my first date with my Ex-SOC.
DOn’t give up and keep posting & reading posts
Sincerely, Broken
@Broken Thank you for your reply! That is what we thought initially was he was hooked to her sexually. Within the first year of them dating he stopped talking to all of his friends because she didn’t like them. And then after she got fired from the place I work at she had some how convinced him that we all hate her, made up stories so they would break up, that I’m crazy and we don’t love him, all we want to do is cause him pain, etc. Which then led him to not coming over at all to my fathers house, my house, my aunts, for holidays, birthdays, nothing. My father is a foreman electrician, one board too, and tried getting my brother job with him which is unheard of for the union but he refused. Then my aunt tried getting him a job at her work place because it was paying better than what he was making and he didn’t take it either. I don’t have proof but I know for a fact that it’s all due to Tammy. She has made him alienate his family so only her words now apply to him, she is his world. You are def right about his support system being gone, it’s only her now. During one of our last conversations like 1.5 to 2 years ago he told me that she and her kids were his family now, not us. There is so much more that this woman has done to my brother, things she said to people, things she’s done. She is the most vile person I have ever met in my entire life. I am so sorry you had to deal with someone like that, I can’t understand how people can be so…. heinous.
Yeah that comment about the underwear – hope I didn’t bring back any bad memories. I am def going to keep posting and reading. I wish there was a way I could open his eyes but even physical proof wasn’t enough. It is possible that he wanted to be the rescuer, help the ‘damsel in distress’. I never looked at it that way, I just thought she must give really good head or something. She dug her claws in deep… Really deep. I hope it does get to a head sooner and he gets out of this mess. I try to contact him but he doesn’t respond. I would love to go to his house but Tammy is always there and if she is there, there is no way he’ll talk to me. My grandfather stopped over at their house a few months back b/c they owe him $12,000, both my bros cars were in the drive and no one answered the door. Tammy has his facebook log in and his e-mail so we can’t get through him that way.
How long was it before you broke free? What was it that made it click, finding out what she was? How are you coping?
Hi SN1,
Welcome to the site. I’m sorry to hear about your brother and new “extended family”. This isn’t a criticism in any way, but I almost wish you had raised your concerns to your brother immediately upon learning of her “professional” behavior, wherein she bad-mouthed him and it got back to you. Little pieces of information along the way might’ve made the difference in helping him put the jigsaw together.
People do get fired unfairly, but more often, where there is smoke there is fire. At some point, it will unfortunately become all too clear for him though. All you can really do is remain open and welcoming to him, leaving a door open for when he starts questioning her motives and behavior himself.
@SuperNova…I haven’t really broken free in my head, but physically and No-Contact wise, I have. Trust me the damsel in distress is no stranger to giving good head before thye hook you in as a willing victom. MOst guys like being white-knights and they like head, so its kind of a no brainer for a SOC tryign to hook a guy in with ego stroking and sex. Its a powerful tool for guys that don’t have their own true identiy hammered out yet. After my experience with the SOC…I think it would be much more worth while for me to let my intellect and not my libido be the determinant in who I spend time with.
Your brother needs to be rescued. I think the family visits are a good strategy. Its sort of like rescuing a family member from being brainwashed into a religious cult. The family member never completely comes willingly in the beginning. They have crossed the line into another reality that only the SOC wants them to see. Its up to others to point out the truth to the victom. Fo rme, it took others to confirm my worst fears and describe my ex-SOC’s life patterns & history for me to realize that I needed to break free, or possibly go nuts and/or hospitalized and maybe eventual death. I also read the the books written by HARE and ME Thomas so I could understand the disorder better and realize what I was dealing with. You out to give them a look for your own sanity. It sheds a lot of light on things and may better help you come up with a game plan on how to gextract your brother to safety. ANd remember..she is fucking her kids up for life everyday they are under her regime. Good luck sweet, and you sound like a wonderful sister to have:)
Peace,
Broken
@jusagurl – Thanks! I def should’ve brought it up earlier to him. But I just felt it would’ve been better if I had evidence supporting my claims. And when I did he thought, Thanks to his SOC gf, that I constructed all of these messages myself. Like I have time to do that. I will def keep my door open once he starts realizing who she really is. I just don’t know when that will be. It’s been 4 years now.. Now that she has brainwashed him into thinking that we are all horrible people that don’t want them to be together for whatever reason he doesn’t come around, respond to us, or anything. The times he does come around he goes and sees my dad, which is rare, and even then his SOC gf drops him off and picks him. He can’t even drive himself in his own freakin car. It’s so hard to witness my bro in this kind of situation and not realize it at all. I want to help but I feel almost helpless..
Hi SN1 🙂
You can’t do much unfortunately 😦 he is under her spell & until that breaks, he will be conned & controlled & manipulated 😦
You will just have to hang tight & keep reinforcing to him how much you care, if you can? Send him birthday cards,Xmas cards etc…never leave him out or forget about him. This will stand you in good steed when he eventually falls…you will be there to pick up the pieces & hopefully he will appreciate you for this.
It’s very hard to witness so, concentrate on living your best life possible as an example to him 🙂
Forgive him his weakness to see her for what she is & just pretend she doesn’t exist (she doesn’t really, it’s all fake).
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hey PR! Yeah that is what I’ve come to realize.. There isn’t much anyone can do, it’s all up to him. I do text him on holidays and his birthday, and at random times but I get no response. I send him bday cards and xmas cards too. I am not sure if he gets them.. That’s very true, I like how you put that – she doesn’t exist that it’s all fake. She def is Mrs. Fakerton from Fakersville For Real! I just keep praying that some day he will wake up. I don’t care how he’s treated me or my family I will still be there to help him get through it once he breaks away.
@Broken – Thanks! I try to be a good sister to him even if he thinks I’m doing nothing but trying to ruin his life. I wish I had the support of my family members but they all try to act like everything is normal with the exception of talking about how crazy his SOC is. The only other one I get support from is my step mother who asks him how do we fix our family, bring us back together. He says he’ll come over to hang out, or come over for Thanksgiving but when the time comes he doesn’t show and won’t pick up the phone. My grandfather has visited or tried to but they didn’t answer the door. My dad is the most passive person I know, he avoids any confrontation. The only time he’ll involve himself into situations is where his kids are in danger. Even though my bro is in danger being with this woman my dad doesn’t get involved for fear of driving a wedge further into their son/father relationship. He’s seen how my bro has reacted to me and everything that I told him, so I think that sort of scares my dad thinking his son won’t talk to him anymore. I know my dad is really hurt by my bro not coming around hardly ever like he used to so he doesn’t want lessen what already is a rarity of him coming around. I hope that makes sense. Since xmas is around the corner I am hoping we will do what we were going to do last year. My bro didn’t show up for xmas last year which was the second xmas he missed and we all talked about going to their house and signing xmas carols. I spoke to my sister last night to get her assistance with convincing the family to actually do that this year. We all know that he isn’t going to show up. So at least in some way we can show him, hey we are here to bring you some xmas joy and to show you that we care and want to see you. I am at the point now where I feel like nothing is going to work or open his eyes.. Little by little I hope that at some point it clicks. He is past the point of being helped. They say you can’t help those who can’t help themselves. And that statement in its truest form is very sad. I am not sure how I would be able to get those kids away from her, they are her and her ex husbands kids… Which is another leverage she uses for my bro, b/c he thinks they are his kids now. They were half grown when my bro and the SOC started dating. I really appreciate all of the replys and advice. I am glad that you got out from your ex-SOC control and broke free. I hope that in due time you have BROKEN those chains and truly set yourself free, mentally and emotionally. Same goes for everyone else.
SuperNova
xoxo
Hi SN1 🙂
Just keep loving him in your heart & sending him love via the universe to keep him safe. It does get through so, I’m sending you love & hope all the way from Australia 🙂 🙂
Oh & a big HUG 😉
PR xoxo
Thank you so much Phoenix, it is much appreciated!!
Big Hugs!!!
SuperNova
@SN1…Just checking in to see how you are doing.
I AM SO HAPPY TO SAY THAT I AM FINALLY OVER IT!!!! I have finally accepted what has happened, I am no longer hurting, I am my happy self again! I have now moved forward and I do not think about the love bombing, good times. I realize that he has serious mental issues and I did nothing wrong. I have a happy, fun, independent life full of exciting, meaningful things coming my way. It feels amazing to have my mind set free from the nightmare! I must say that the thing that helped me the most to get over this and understand what happened IS THIS SITE! NO CONTACT is what finally got me over the hump, smiling again, and free from the devil’s hold. 🙂 Good luck to all of you!!! YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU DESERVE IT!
@fairytale2nightmare. I envy you. congrats for getting your strength back …that’s great!
Awe..you will make it! Believe me, there was a time I didn’t think I would and I just wanted to disappear or die! However, I have realized how much time is wasted on an asshole and life, happiness, and love are precious! Unfortunately, maybe when tragedy hits close to home it makes you stop and really think. I am a teacher and last month we lost a former student in a car accident and was a good friend of my sons. Then, Sunday night 2 of my former students (sisters, age 20 and 17) also died along with their father in a plane crash. They were a loving, wonderful family. Things like this really make you think about how trivial life can be and how we need to smile and live each day its fullest..not dwell on the past or the things we can’t control! If he treated you wrong, he will do it again..be strong and move the fuck on! Too many good people are in the world to sit back and give your life up to a piece of shit!
Wow now that is very good to read fairytale 🙂 🙂 Really good news, as I remember it wasn’t that long ago, that you felt pretty lost and confused. So good to read!!
Thanks PG…I can’t tell you how much you, your site, and others have helped me understand what the hell just happened! It has been my savior!
@Fairytale…I am starting to get better, and am confident I will overcome this tragedy. ANd, you are right..there other things in life that far outweigh these affiars of heartbreak. I started having moments, though fleeting, of pure happiness and peace. I thought of my sons 13 & 8 who were over at my apartment to visit last weekend. I played them some songs that I will be performing with my blues/funk band and the two worked out a very funny choreography routine. They were perfectly content and joyful to spend time with me in my small apartment, to wrestle with me and laugh with me. One is an athlete and artisit..and the other a perfomer. Both do well in school and know they are deeply loved by me. I smile in wonder at their completeness.
I recall the last time I was over at my Ex-SOC’s house. I watched her 14 yr. old son, a full-blown narcassist (atleast) tease and harass his younger 11 year old brother ( who has serious anger issues) into a state of rage. The older brother hid the younger’s phone on him. The 11 year old threw and smashed the older brother’s iPhone against the wall. My Ex-SOC told the 11 yr. old that wasn’t very nice. The 11 yr. old ran outside and burned his name into the lawn with W-40 spray. Their mother, my ex-SOC calmly said, “Geez….both of them just get so bored sometimes” and went to sleep on the couch after guzzling her mother’s wine supply. For desert Her older 23 yearold son…(.who would be homeless if he wasn’t living with and off his 16 yr. old girlfriend’s family) worked up the energy to come over and mooch 20 dollars off his grandmother. He’s too smart and important to work, and is a self-proclaimed jack of all trades..white collar…blue-collar..gigalo..you name it. When he left to get into his girlfriend’s father’s car, my ex-SOC said, “what a mooch.” As she went back to sleep on her mother’s couch in her mother’s mansion, her son brought in a bowl of icecream paid for by New State’s Welfare and taxpayer system (food stamps). The last thing she said before dozing off was, “Is’nt it great that I can get Netflix movies on my TV for free using my sister’s Netflix password? Hah..she doesn’t know I have it.” The to me she said, “Why don’t you do something with yourself…..like go into administration so you can buy a big house…maybe we could work thigns out between us if you could get your shit together!” (I’m currently a teacher, a decorated veteran and consider myself a success). Sure Ex-Soc..you are a real winner
Yeah….I’m glad I’m out
So inspiring to read all the comments on this site, I would like to THANK YOU also for helping me through the roughest month of my life.I am on day 42 of NO CONTACT 🙂 I am so proud of myself for retaining my dignity through all this. He stole 2 years of mine and my childs life and wallsed out of our life like nothing. Didnt even say nice knowing ya, so i fell apart and slowly but surely pulling myself together… I AM FREE… and it feels good, I still think about him all the time, but I know i’ll never go back there..It makes it easier everyday by no contact… Mentally I am no where near the finish line, but am getting there, roll on 2014!!
Hey well done for day 42 of no contact!! 🙂
@ KITS.Thanks and happy new years!
Congratulations fairytale2nightmare!!!! I can honestly say that I too am over it! IDK what it was, time, understanding, this site but I do not cry over him and the situation like I once did. It’s hard to explain how it happened, it just did. I’m not going to sit here and say I don’t ever think about what happened or him in general, because I do. I just know that it doesn’t “sting” me like it used to. I haven’t cried in a while, which is nice considering I’ve cried a million tears over him.
Hang in there everybody! There is light at the end of the tunnel! You have to go through this in order to grow. I know it sucks, but you will look back and realize that you learned a valuable lesson out of all this and it happend for a reason. I know you’re thinking, but why me? All I wanted to do was love someone! Unfortunately we all have to get shit on in order to learn what we need to. I promise you, you too will get past this. This site saved my sanity, so continue coming here to read stories and know that you are not alone. You are not a loser. You were conned into believing a dream. It happens to the best of us. Eventually, it will not affect you in the way that it has been, so keep your head up!!!
Thank you Lenore..it’s a great feeling to smile again and look forward to a future! Fortunately, my ex SP lives 1,000 miles away and it makes it a whole lot easier to move on..I have NO choice! Good things keep coming my way and I am myself again..free, independent, and standing strong! I don’t need a man for anything!!!
Hi Lenore 🙂
So pleased to hear that you are doing so well, you will never forget but, you will move on & you deserve the best of everything 🙂
Continued strength & support to you 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Yay Fairy 🙂
Really proud of you & not far behind you on that freedom bus 🙂
Keep going strong & never look back 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@ Well Everyone — I am so happy that you are all out of these horrible situations. To those who are finally over it, the mental stress, emotional rollercoaster that is wonderful news! Very true – live everyday to it’s fullest, never let someone bring you down. To those who are still suffering in a way and trying to get over it, keep going. You know now that it wasn’t you at all, it was the other person – the sick minded who just wanted to play games. I have never been in a situation like that but I have seen it. And I have picked up the pieces of one who has been in that situation. My bf of 9 years was in a horrible relationship that resulted with him building walls around himself and never letting anyone get close to him. His ex was horrible, made him turn on his sister thinking she did all this stuff, slept with all of his friends, lied to him all the time, slept with his best friend in the same bed he was passed out drunk in.. Sick! Unfortunately for him at the time he realized about all the things his ex did he found out his mother was divorcing his father. Not a really good place for him to be at all. Piece by piece and layer by layer I still help him break down those walls from his past that still haunt him and help him realize that he is a great person, that he’s not a shithead, and that there are still good people in the world. Not to let one sick henious phsyco make him think otherwise and control his thought pattern even while she was out of the picture. Even now the baggage is still there I tell him instead of it holding you down, let it be your reminder of how strong you are. And how you escaped the scewed reality that your ex led you to believe. Let it be the wrecking ball that led you to freedom to a new you, a better you. You all are strong, know that!! Everyone is different, however long it takes you all to heal you will at some point become who you once were in your happiest of days. You will get there! Stay strong and always remain positive! =)
xoxo SuperNova
It is how I imagine it would be to be possessed by a demon. With my Soc even his voice changed to a horrible scary horror movie voice! I have finally broken free (4 months now) but in the beginning the :PTSD was terrible and I even went to church to pray (I am Christian but not practicing) as I felt I needed my soul cleansing. Four months on and I still get ups and downs but I know going back would be the destruction of me and I am worth more than that. Five years of hell.
Hi Ranl,
I totally agree with you. They take over your life and you are oblivious to it… When i read on here first about the “glare/Stare” I remember when he used to stare like into my soul… I used to think whoa thats freaky. I went back to church also, i think its therapeutic to cleanse these devil scum out of our aura, and find peace and comfort in the higher power. Congrats on reaching 4 months.. I cannot wait until i get there, I am day 42 no contact, so its getting easier everyday.
Dont go back!! cause when ur out stay out!!! keep thinking positive and focus on you.. Try some positive affirmations everyday, it helps me to try and keep poistive.
Much love to all
Kits
@SN1
I guess, if it were my brother, I’d just try to keep my voice in…meaning, a Christmas card with the single line “I/we miss you…”, and if you can be at your dad’s sometime when he’s there, it would at least provide an opportunity to you to say hello and smile at him.
I’ve had a family relationship become disconnected before, and this is what I did: I sent her a letter, letting her know my true thoughts so no one else was speaking for me or putting thoughts in her head. Then, I waited. It took a lonnnnnng time for her to come around, but that cracked the ice. I continued with the cards/notes with no response for probably a couple of years. Just simple things that were unintrusive, but kept the door open. I now see her at all family gatherings and we can have conversation like we used to.
Just be patient. He is your brother though so, in my mind, giving up on family is never an option…especially if his soul is at stake which is what I suspect. I’ll add you to prayers.
@jusagurl I have written long texts to him, how we all miss him – that who he has changed into is someone different and I can’t understand why he doesn’t see it. How we want to spend time with him. Especially during holidays when families are supposed to be together. How it hurts our father and grandfather that he isn’t around. His response was basically you aren’t my family any more, his woman and her kids are his family now. With that response I told him Well I’m sorry that we all miss you and tell you that… I’ve left him facebook messages and e-mails but now know that she has access to all of it. She blocked the whole family on FB from his profile, they now share one. Took about 7 months for my bro to unblock my sister and step mother. I ended up deleting my FB June of last year didn’t see the use in it really, hardly ever used it. I have written a letter, many times over, the same one, but after reading it and re-reading it I end up deleting it and shutting down my computer in serious frustration knowing that me even sending it to me will probably fall in the wrong hands. That process has been repeated for the last 7-8 months I’d say… I would much rather talk to him physically but that is proving to be very challenging. I’m really hoping he is coming to Xmas this year. I heard from my step mom that he said he would but that would leave his woman at home on xmas alone, apparently her kids are going to be staying with their father.. Which I doubt he would do that, or rather, I doubt she would allow that. Thanks for your prayers! =)
SuperNova xoxo
No Contact SuperNova, don’t contact him. Don’t give him the energy – he enjoys the energy that you give to him.
PositivaGirl…I wrote this song/poem last night and for better or for worse thought I would post it hear. I feel like I just need to share it and get it out of my system.
The Lines are Blurred
The lines are blurred, I feel like th eangels have forsaken me.
Can anybody hear the devils song the siren sang to me.
No matter how far up the river you travel, the shadows will follow you.
They’re souls of your children and all the lifes you’ve shattered through
your heartless, cold abuse.
They scream your name, they want all to know it,
And though your face doesn’t show it,
You dread the memories the have of you.
And here do your children’s cries free your
memories from its lies,
And here the lovers’ cries are freeing heaven from the skies,
Their lifes are broken, I am not. You can bet your heartless soul
that I’ll survive. I will survive.
and your Siren’s song, drove me out to sea so far from home,
just to guide me in to rocks that left me broken and alone….
The lines are blurred, and the angels they gently sing to me
“here the strong of wing they fly, and the broken wing lay down to die”
and their parting gift became a dream beyond the sky.
The lines are blurred
LDA – Broken
WOW that is awesome Broken
Do you mind if i share this on the Facebook page?
I think that this is brilliant!! Love it. You are very talented!
No that would be wonderful. I’m flattered that you would do that
I meant..yes that would be wonderful. Yes you can post it!
One more thing. Thanks for validating me through my art. Its the one thread that has kept me sane throughout my whole life.
Thank you I will share it now!! 🙂 I am sure others will appreciate it too.
You obviously have a talent. People like it, and someone shared it on their wall. Thank you for sharing!! 🙂
Broken 🙂
Really cool song & heartfelt :), maybe we’ll get to hear you sing it one day? Now wouldn’t that be great 🙂
Keep writing & singing it’s good for the soul & that’s how the angels communicate to us 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
I would love so much to do that. You people are the angels. No one ever knows what it looks like…..that breath between this world and that…and many people find it in solitude, but dismiss it once they are okay. …..this site, I can honestly say is what the angels look like. And I’m not religious.
I love you all so much
Broken
@ PR…sorry I didn’t address this:
I would love so much to do that. You people are the angels. No one ever knows what it looks like…..that breath between this world and that…and many people find it in solitude, but dismiss it once they are okay. …..this site, I can honestly say is what the angels look like. And I’m not religious.
I love you all so much
Broken
Broken 🙂
Your never alone so, look around for the angels, they come in many forms but, especially in repetitive songs in your head & elsewhere etc…butterflies, random flashes of light & sometimes just a feeling or sensation 🙂
We love you too so, stay strong 🙂
Love & Light Always 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR….I know..the voices that everybody have are gifts…I listen to them all the time. Thanks for caring about me. that means so much to me right now PR
Your Welcome & I always ‘Pay It Forward’ as someone reached out to me & it was great support & comfort & she created this wonderful site 🙂
Just stay focused on YOU & your children, they & you are testimony enough to the world 🙂
PR xoxo
Repetative songs in my head: I’ve been writing songs since I picked up the guitar 35 years ago. The songs and my art are most definately my consistent window to the light that we come from.
@POS & PR I will pay it forward
@Posativagirl & PR….I hope that this will come of some good. I was sexually abused by women when I was 14. I was and still am a hyper-sensitive male. I was sexually mature and a strong young male at a very young age.The one woman that should’ve looked out for me didn’t. instead she fanned the fires out of her own narcissism. In this song/poem I am trying t get rid of shit that weights down my being so much, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I think that I want to share this because it might add light to why a guy might end up as prey to a female sociopath. This was my set up. I always have tried to please. Maybe it’ll help someone else have insight.
White Elephants
White Elephants rushing off in all directions,
To their fields cold and bare
I want to know in silent days in between what thoughts are coming to you?
You are yesterday’s dreamer, as today says goodbye.
And the dreaming is never done.
And like a child you run for the affections.
Always looking for a gentle daylight, that might be there.
I caught you standing there with all the tears you held inside.
Your eyes were filled tainted by jaded pride.
Tell me, what were after between all of your tears of laughter?
You were the first one to ever cry
…And the memories call to you from the eyes in the photograph.
…And you hear the angels cry, again on your journey back…
To a time when it was always just the angels up above.
It was you below who merely felt their tears.
But you see with the angels now,
And through their eyes you see yesterdays dreamer, a young boy run and hide
In the triangle of trees.
No blame it was just the way it was for you back then.
No blame it was just the way it was for yesterday.
Tonight I’ll dream, tonight I’ll dream..
Of white elephants rushing in all directions…in all directions
@ Broken,
You are a poet… brilliantly written… well done you!!
Kits
That was very heart felt Broken. I could relate 100%
@Posativagirl & PR….I hope that this will come of some good. I was sexually abused by women when I was 14. I was and still am a hyper-sensitive male. I was sexually mature and a strong young male at a very young age.The one woman that should’ve looked out for me didn’t. instead she fanned the fires out of her own narcissism. In this song/poem I am trying t get rid of shit that weights down my being so much, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I think that I want to share this because it might add light to why a guy might end up as prey to a female sociopath. This was my set up. I always have tried to please. Maybe it’ll help someone else have insight.
White Elephants
White Elephants rushing off in all directions,
To their fields cold and bare
I want to know in silent days in between what thoughts are coming to you?
You are yesterday’s dreamer, as today says goodbye.
And the dreaming is never done.
And like a child you run for the affections.
Always looking for a gentle daylight, that might be there.
I caught you standing there with all the tears you held inside.
Your eyes were filled tainted by jaded pride.
Tell me, what were after between all of your tears of laughter?
You were the first one to ever cry
…And the memories call to you from the eyes in the photograph.
…And you hear the angels cry, again on your journey back…
To a time when it was always just the angels up above.
It was you below who merely felt their tears.
But you see with the angels now,
And through their eyes you see yesterdays dreamer, a young boy run and hide
In the triangle of trees.
No blame it was just the way it was for you back then.
No blame it was just the way it was for yesterday.
Tonight I’ll dream, tonight I’ll dream..
Of white elephants rushing in all directions…in all directions
This is great. Thank you for sharing broken. You are really talented 🙂
Awww that’s beautiful Broken 🙂 & thank you for sharing it with us 🙂
I am sorry that as a boy you were abused 😦
I was also by a person entrusted with my well being 😦 & like you I matured early & was very tall etc…so, lost my childhood through abuse & my body betrayed me by growing faster on the outside whilst I struggled to be a little girl inside. I was 5ft 9in at 10 & fully developed by 11!!! I peaked out at 5ft 11in but, that’s life 😉
I always felt like a child trapped inside a grown woman’s body & still recall that awful feeling 😦
I hope you get to meet a true earth angel that appreciates your sensitive soul & loves you for you & likewise for the angel 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@POS I’m trying to forgive my mom…I’m ripping th e bullseye off today.
Sending you a hug broken, stay strong!! 🙂
@ POS & PR, thanks for being so sweet and giving. I think that those early experiences are what set the tone for my being vulnerable to woman that are predatorial in nature. I was taught through that early pain that I humiliation was coupled with affection. If I didn’t accept these terms from women, they would abandon me. In many ways..I am blessed becasue I could have turned out to be a real prick…masagonist or worst. But I didn’t. I always look and hope for the best in women. I think I shoudl choose more carefully in the future.
Hopefully I will be lucky enough someday to find an earthangel. That woudl be nice. I’m starting to grow weary of the pain-games
Thanks again for all your words of kindness.
Hi
A year ago I found out that my boyfriend married someone else. He did the whole silent treatment towards me for 6 weeks prior to the wedding and I found out by a pic his sister posted.
During the 3 years we were together, a lot of crazy making was done. My gut was screaming to me from about 4 months into the relationship that something wasn’t right. I was looked at being the crazy one. He called me a dog, stupid, bitch, pig, crazy.
Over the course of the relationship I gave him over $8,000 to help him out.
i felt so stupid when I found out the truth. I put so much into the relationship.
It was after I found out about what he had done that I googled a few things about what he had done and came up with Sociopath. I have very little doubt that he is one.
Even today he sent me a message asking if I can help him. Pffft as if.
Hi ex welcome to the site. What a horrible way to discover that your partner of 3 years had ended the relationship.
Tell me about it. I was completely numb. He even contacted me 3 weeks after the wedding to tell me that he still loves me and can’t stop loving me and that he wants to continue our relationship and that his wife knows all about me!!!
A year on I am a lot stronger but still have many thoughts and flashbacks of what was said and done.
I’m so sorry ex for your pain. Even though the soc’s are all similar, it still can make my jaw drop when I hear what these a-holes are capable of. Fancy having the nerve to say that after blindsiding you by marrying someone else. Grrrr. It makes me angry.
But it is me that is the crazy one……lol
The fogginess in my head that was there for many months has finally disappeared. If it weren’t for good friends and me finding positive things to concentrate on, I don’t know what I would have done. The people are very good at living two lives. Very sick individuals.
Am really pleased that you have good friends left in your life, normally they do all that they can with their manipulative games to cause problems between you and your friends, and are so controlling you are often left spending all of your time with them.
Cant believe he has the nerve to ask you for help. They really haveno conscience at all.
Hello…..I am new here, I just found this website. I am so glad to have found a place with others who have gone through the same thing. I am embarrassed to say it’s been a year and a half and I am still not past this. I don’t worry that he will contact me (he’s found a new mark) but worry about myself contacting him. I know that’s crazy. All the lies and I still could not believe it. It was just not in my realm of thinking. I turned into a crazy person myself because of reacting to the coldness and cruelty. I was told I was having “mood swings”. Of course it had nothing to do with being treated like shit. Hoping to get past this quickly with some help and support.
Hi Nancy, welcome to the site 🙂
Hi Nancy 🙂
Welcome & please feel free to share your journey etc…
You are definitely not alone & you are safe here 🙂
I have been in Soc rehab for 6 months here but, 9 months since my own drama unfolded. I was with him for 10 years argh!
It’s a hell of a ride with the Soc & the addiction is powerful & they are like an aphrodisiac that, turns toxic.
It is hard to recover from but, you can 🙂
Remember, you never signed on to be hurt/confused or betrayed & you accepted this person into your heart & life with all good intentions 🙂
Unfortunately as we all now know, the Sociopaths intentions are far from good but, don’t take it personally as they are not connected emotionally or with a conscience.
You’d do anything for them, even lay down in a puddle so, they wouldn’t get their feet wet. They would allow you too & stand right on your back just because they can 😦
You are not alone & we are all here on this marvelous site that has helped & healed so many but, the work is up to you & it’s bloody hard but, your worth it so, you will be okay 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@pr, u are an amazing person..So well written.
Kits
@ Nancy….They weren’t mood swings generated out of thin air. They were generated by the emotional confusion and trauma with which that asshole was oppressing you. You aren’t crazy. You have found the right place. The people here are really kind.
While you go through the emotional trials & tribulations of ridding yourself of this loser, you might do well to write down all the weird, twisted shit he did to try and destroy you/abuse you.
Every time there is even an inkling of breaking “no-Contact,” look at that list. It’ll motivate you to stay away from that punk & save you from further harm while you get your life back which you will. Remember…all sociopaths are illusionists. That’s all you will ever get from him in the process of him trying to drain you of your wallet, emotions, and soul.
Best of wishes,
Broken
Nancy, I just read your post and can completely relate. It was like I wrote it. I actually felt like I turned into the crazy one as what I was doing was completely out of my personality. It was more my instincts telling me that something with that man wasn’t right.
Hi Ex 🙂
It’s amazing how our gut instinct gets turned off by the Soc when, it was screaming at me but, the schmoozing was unrelenting until my gut was as confused as I was!
Honestly, the Red Flag could have fallen on my head & I would have picked it up & waved it at the Soc like a raging bull, “come & get me, here I am” & ram, right up the Patooty & flat on my face 😉 but, the clowns with the mask, always came to my aid & back in the bull ring I staggered for the next round with the nasty bullish Soc! 🙂 LOL
Perfect way to put it!!! Love it.
It must be a very hard existence But still a debilitating mental health illness . Look at me ten and half years of it and a lovely little caring child stuck in between this ho for circus and I am still trying to find a way to explain their behaviour. May be it is more forme thAn i can say just lime alcoholism this is an illness and I can then manage the devastation he caused my kids and me.
My blood daughter finding it hard she keeps crying in school for her father and today when i picked her up she crying and I caught her faction my hands and kissed her tears . She then put her head on my me and while i was talking to her teacher i loomed at her and I saw,tears in the corner her eye. I never seen such a sad face in a child before in my life . My heart broke to a million pieces. Luckily her big brother was there and he came up to me and said why do we not go do some Christmas shopping after school but not before we go and have a really nice tea. He asked her what she wanted ,she said Pizza Hut ND he said find the whole trip is on big brother !!!
,He has finished university last year and just this year found a job , so he was going to treat her any way yesterday. She quickly smiled and i just loved to see her trot up the school path holding her brothers hand. A few minutes ago ,it was just a completely devastating scene. Her teacher told me I think she is finding this all too much to manage for her.
She is very soft you know . Of course i know my daughter she is kind,gentle ,caring just like her mum. Both my kids are and i am do glad that she did not turn out like her father .
Today he called thirty times and twenty five emails. YEZTERDAY the phone did not stop gill past twelve at night and started at :7.05 am
This morning
I opened an email from him and he wants to know if i will give him another chance. . I deleted all his emails disconnected the phone off the wall.and told my son not to answer his calls but now he us ringing in numbers we do not recognise they are a few so how can I tell my son not answer his mobile as it could be a call for him. But soon as he hears his VOICE he puts the phone down..
I am so lucky v my to have such wonderful caring kids .
Why would i want a useless bum like him and hid sociopathic mother and brother as well. Together they drive any one insane.
Luckily i live far away from those two and never have contact with them. He is living with them now and i wondered what happened go Jo’s wonderful new mark she dropped him from China or his brother and mother are entertaining g different partners over the holidays and do nit want him killing on the sofa
I just deleted all his emails and blocked him.
Felt good . Tomorrow will be one month since he tools me he was going to work and went off on holiday with this woman from China.
Wow how quickly the mighty has fallen !!!
Hi Adrianne,
Just focus on yourself & your healing & remember you are not alone here.
Stay No Contact if you can? It is imperative that you distance yourself from the Soc.
It’s a long hard road back but, your worth everything & more so, fight & claw your way to freedom if you have too, your worth it & the Soc is worthless.
You deserve a better life & you will have it, just believe in yourself & your worthiness 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Everything will be better, keep strong on the no contact. Theres a lot of apps that you can put on your phone and your computer that block calls, text and email from his phone, private numbers and unknown numbers. If you are nit ready to change your number it is a good solution.
Stay strong!
Wish I found this site a year ago!
Isn’t it funny how it is the little things you remember and think “yep, a sociopath”. About 4 months ago I was in contact with my Sociopath. He asked me for money and I said no (oh the power!) And I had no response after that. At the time my 14 year old dog was in a lot of pain and my family had decided to put him down. This was a huge deal for me and I told him. We have blackberry messenger so I know if he has read my messages and he didn’t even read that message. He decided to ignore me. He would have also known about my dog as it was my status. No doubt because I didn’t give him money. That is his pattern though, if you don’t give him what he wants, he will ignore you. Such a selfish person. He didn’t win control of me and he didn’t like me so he discarded me.
I have to admit, that since he asked me for money the other day, my anxiety has increased. Such an a-hole. Why should I give him money? So he can buy nice presents for his wife? So he can continue the “look at me I am rich” lifestyle that he likes to parade around to everybody. He is sick. What in his twisted mind actually makes him think I would give him any money at all after what he did to me. He isn’t even thankful that I helped him out all the time. He actually told me that $8,000 isn’t a lot of money!! He didn’t even understand or see how him asking me for money all the time made me uncomfortable and making me wonder why he was with me, the money or love. I am absolutely kicking myself for not protecting myself and my bank balance. Money isn’t everything but I went without a lot of times to help him out. The thanks I got was finding out by his sister that he married someone else.
It wasn’t just money, it was your money 😦 & as he doesn’t attach emotionally to you, he doesn’t attach to your money either 😦
He’s an ass wipe & you must never give him a dime or your time ever again. He’s a leech & will continue to suck & drain anyone who gives to him.
You are out of pocket yes but, you are richer than he will ever be 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Sorry about your doggy 😦
In heaven with all our beautiful four legged friends 🙂
xoxo
Thank you 🙂
Aw ex…. it is such a demeaning or devaluing feeling when they take money from you, or ask for it, or steal….
For me, it made me feel awful. Try to remember that for them, without the full range of emotions, it simply is business. Hasn’t he got a job. Tell him that YOU are not his career option. If he doesn’t earn enough get a better job. Or get a job, whatever is the case…
Yeah, he tries to create businesses and projects to get himself money. Sociopath much? Lol. I just tell him to ask his wife lol.
I came across this site last night & find it fascinating. I even read some of the articles to a friend who has been there for me before during and after my experience with a SOC & we both found It eerily fascinating & horrific how his personality is detailed so accurately & reads like a 100% accurate fortune telling (if such a thing exists). Let me start by saying I am a gay male (haven’t read an entry by one on here yet) & I seem to be a MAGNET for SOCs. I was in a ‘committed’ relationship with SOC #1 for 11 years (!) He followed the usual assessment/flattery stages as he started seeing me while still living with his ‘ex’ of which he worked with & I let him move in with me of which was to be TEMPORARY until he found a place of his own. He played his ‘charming’ act so well, me, being the guy who had no interest in co-habitation thought that maybe I had it all wrong because he was SO nice! So thoughtful! Had dinner on the table when I got home from work! he paid rent money! I had more extra cash! he had nicer furniture than I did! I decided that it worked out so well that we decided to remain living together & moved from my 1 bedroom apartment into a larger one upstairs so we would have more room & a nice view of the city (12th floor downtown). I cursed at myself for never giving this kind of set-up a chance! We both signed the rental agreement & on the first night together there he showed what ended up being his ‘TRUE” colors. We initially only had one key to the apartment so he agreed to be home from work (oh-and he still worked with his EX!-which drove me crazy because they STILL hung out after work-or so he SAID). I was excited about moving into a nicer apartment with nicer things so I stayed about 15 min after my shift to go around the office & gush about the great guy I had met & how we had a great apartment & how wonderful life was etc..Well, when I got home about 15 min later than usual I was greeted by a MONSTER. He started yelling, “You’re a this (expletive)! You’re a that… & I felt like I was in the twilight zone! I dealt with angry collections cardholders all day so I was used to hearing yelling but not coming from this wonderful guy! He was FURIOUS because he said that he could have stayed at THE BAR later if he knew I would have taken so long to get home! I had an issue with him going out for drinks after work with his EX as it was already so I simply gave him the silent treatment & later told him that I didn’t believe that any of the names he was calling me were true but was disappointed with the choice I made by allowing him to live with me & couldn’t help but wonder WHAT I had gotten mixed up in! The next day he apologized & I just told myself that he slipped up once & that ‘mask’ was the exception & the nice guy I knew was the ‘rule’. He shaped up. He was nice again. I felt relieved. We moved into a house after the rent was to increase. He made it a point though to distance me from ‘HIS’ Friends-those he worked with. They were nice to me when I saw them but he had me convinced that they thought I was ‘weird’ & I later learned that he had told them that I thought they were weird! This was the PERFECT manipulation tool to keep us from being friends. They knew his SECRETS & he didn’t want me mixing with them because I might find out. Turns out he is going out with all kinds of other guys in private & began to control his co-worker ‘friends.’ I would be the innocent one & rather than ask him when to expect him home, I would look in his appointment book (he was a hairdresser) & would judge the time I would have dinner ready by about an hour after his last appointment. On so many occasions he would not be home when I expected, so I would call his cell & get voice mail. At some of the awkward parties with his ‘friends’ they would encourage me to hang out with them more but I was brainwashed that they didn’t like me & figured they were just being polite yet a few of them gave me their numbers so on one such night that he wasn’t home I called one of them & asked if he was still at work & would be told something like, “Oh, he left at about 5:00” keep in mind it was after 10 pm by this point! FINALLY he would stroll in the door & my 1st question would be, “Where have you been? Why didn’t U answer my calls?” & he would say, “I’ve been BUSY!” “Doing what?” I would ask, “WORKING” he would say, so I would tell him that his co-worker said he was done at 5 pm! Then he would ALWAYS say, “Oh, I was with a client…we went out for drinks” I learned later that after that happened a few times his ‘friends’ stopped answering this was because he basically threatened them; IF HE (me) CALLS- DON’T ANSWER IT. It turned out that he had a double life. He was screwing with all kinds of other guys behind my back & when his friends would see him picking up on some guy he would tell them we had an open relationship–yet when I suggested such a thing he scoffed at it & said that was ‘terrible’ & that I was awful for suggesting such a thing (since I was well aware of the male libido & figured we could explore this TOGETHER). It turned out he had a totally separate-secret life & eventually started seeing this young unemployed kid behind my back…lied about it even though it was OBVIOUS something was up (he also had a BF that he lived with and they ‘cheated’ together all day in his apartment. He denied that anything was going on & told me I made it all up in my head (I had known him 11 years yet this was the first time he had a ‘friend’ that he would visit for HOURS every day while I worked! Eventually after more than enough gaslighting & lies he FINALLY admitted that he was seeing the kid & I had 30 days to leave the house. 3 days later he changed it, he wanted me out THAT DAY! (he had moved out to be with that kid & was nice enough 2 let me stay in the house with our 2 min pins (that he used to tell were the ‘glue’ that held this ‘family’ together!) I put my foot down. I told him if he wants me out that quickly I need 1. a moving truck & 2. a place to stay until I found my own place. He ended up setting me up to stay at his EX (his co-worker he left for me). We SHARED a moving van. I began to put things into perspective living on the ‘other side’ with HIS friends! I did have a blast because he was so helpless! The first night he tried 2 control me by telling me NOT 2 go out to bars & begged I tell him how to turn on the PLAYSTATION! His Ex said I was way too nice after I explained how to turn it on…Turns out I had a lot more in common with his ex! I am a musician, his ex is a singer. We had fun together ordering karaoke CDs & I learned that he had tried to turn us against each other & when confronted he would tell me his friends are ‘2 faced’…..He was a scam artist & taught me that there ARE people out there who are simply hollow shells who will USE U for what they need when they need it then DISCARD u once they find a new SUPPLY!
Hi TJ, welcome to the site 🙂 Is he out of your life now?
Once a cheat, always a cheat. You hit the nail on the head, you are their supply until they find a better supplier or you can no longer supply them with the source they rely you for.
Your story fascinated me. Especially the way he didn’t want you to be friends with his friends. My sister had a friend who did exactly that. Spun stories and drama about people to the point where my sister didn’t like these people. My sister is no longer friends with this woman. Of course, she put it all back onto my sister. Good riddance to all of these people. They are a disease who make you so confused about everything and make you second guess yourself so they can get away with their game.
Yes he is out of my life…Sadly very shortly after I ran into another one! This one lived with his ‘partner’ & later claimed that their relationship was all for show, and when I told stories about how my 11 yr monster lied and was physically abusive this one assured me that he didn’t lie OR commit violence…basically created a mask that was the opposite of what I had fled from…He professed love 4 me within a week or so (I had my own house, car, steady job, stability that he lacked). He tried to convince my friends that he was in love with me and asked, “well how long does it take?” when they explained that I had just gotten out of a long term relationship & wasn’t ready to start a new serious one! Time is running against them! They know that we will see behind their mask soon enough! Another one I ran into after this one actually said, “marry me now…get to know me later!” and “If U knew the real me you would RUN” talk about RED FLAGS
This is common unfortunately to meet one then another… I think this can happen, when you are broken about the last. The new one walks in faking to be opposite in every way mirroring you that they are just what you are looking for, and not like your ex.
Aha!! Sounds like my ex. He said I love you after a week. I actually thought I misheard him the first time but he started to say it and write it regularly. His marriage to his first wife was just for show (it was cause my parents knew him before I met him and had met the ex-wife and said there was no love there). And then when I found out about his new marriage, he said he married his current wife for a reason, he met her a month before the wedding and that he can’t stop loving me. Blah blah blah. All excuses for their lies and manipulation.
Oh yes SOC #3 did the exact same thing. Sometimes I joke about the fact it seems that they ALL go to the SAME SCHOOL! They use the same games/deception/mental fames & get mad if U compare them to the previous EX who did the same crap (yet a liar is a liar)! SOC #3 appeared at my workplace. Had his friends give me his # & ask me to call. He later said he thought I was ‘out of his league’ so he didn’t want to risk rejection face to face so he waited until his day off to have his # given to me! I made the mistake of having him over so he wouldn’t get another DWI (found out later his license was suspended-risk taker)& told him where I was and how I didn’t trust anyone…he proceeded to take my story & claim that ALL his exes cheated on him & he knew EXACTLY what I was going thru & he was going to PROVE 2 me that 1 man forever is what he wanted (yet he had already slept with more people at our company in his first month as compared to my 20 years there!) Loose! He has a string of trivial sexual relationships & was trying to convince me that he was honest and faithful…
He ended up proving that he was the exact opposite of who he claimed to be!
🙂 my ex said he thought I was out of his league too!! 🙂 He also said that his last two exes had cheated too!
That hurts huh? When someone is everything that they said they weren’t.
Oh, thank you everyone so much. I’m so happy to have found this site. Yes, whenever I got upset I was accused of “mood swings” or “you’ve been around your girlfriends again, they are such a bad influence!” When confronted with lies, it was “you’re never wrong are you?!!!!” End of subject. I like the writing things down idea. Am going to start tonight. Thank you, again.
@POSITIVE and PHOENIX,
I just received a text this morning from my ex-SOC. This is it:
“I was just delving into how intuitive you are (hope that’s the right word). You really are amazing the way you think. You are too smart for people and this world. I feel very fortunate to you to have gotten to know me. You made me think about my personality and the way I am around other people. I didn’t think much about what I said and did and how it effected the people around me. I am now……Thank you. You will always be adorable to me. Love ya and Merry Christmas!!!!!!
I do miss hanging out with you and talking. You my friend were always interesting.”
Kind of oddly satisfying. I am not interested in hooking up with her madness again, but appreciate the fact that I made her think. I was very succinct and to the point with her in regard to what I thought she was (a SOC) and read her a list of the shitty things she said and did while in our relationship. I already went through her superficial thanks and “I’m doing great now that we’re done” dialogue. But it is interesting that she is actually acknowledging these things about herself that I know she has refused since forever to acknowledge to anyone including her own immediate family she was raised with. Life is crazy.
Phoenix & POS, how do do you read this…is it a trap to hook me back in?….what do I need to watch out for? I plan on remaining No-COntact.
Happy Holidays
Broken
They often do this. Thank you at the end for how you have helped them. Often with this will come the line how you have taught them to be a better person and they will be better next time. It could be a hook back in. It’s more original than hi how are you? 🙂
Merry Christmas Broken 🙂
You are already doing the right thing 🙂 staying NO CONTACT.
It is a contact to perhaps bring her back in or to make her feel better about herself. Either way, silence is the best answer & it speaks volumes. She will probably get annoyed if you don’t respond but, whatever you do, never break NO CONTACT.
It’s just a game to her & she will play it through till the end.
Have a Great Christmas 🙂
Keep writing & performing etc…you can move forward with a much brighter, stronger outlook in 2014 🙂
It’s all waiting for you & you can leave the Soc in the past & create a bigger & better life for yourself 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I love this blog! After another round of him cheating on me and lying about it (5th time that I know of) and me sitting there trying to understand how someone can be so cold and unemotional to the fact he had done this to a person he claimed to love – I began to investigate. I came to the conclusion no “normal” human could treat someone like this and feel no empathy, sympathy, remorse, guilt or even try to understand how his actions affected me. Then I found it – he’s a sociopath all the traits fit him. Knowing this helps with everything. I sometimes question myself if I’ve come to this conclusion in a bid to interpret his actions however the traits all just fit too well. I’ve been lied to about the most stupid things, to the most dangerous (lying about getting tested for STIs after he slept with numerous women just so he could get into my pants again). I always thought I had some sort of control over the relationship however it was me being played as a fool all along I think this is the hardest part to understand. I’ve found it hard talking to my friends about this they just brush him off to be a horrible person however I know there is so much more too it. He has no close friends, the ones who do are all involved in drugs so he can get some sort of benefit from them, he lies, cheats, has always been involved in crime, he has the most charismatic and charming personality he even told me he “lights up the room when he walks in”, he says he’ll change then doesn’t, he tells me everything I want to hear, he can’t take responsibility for his actions he always blames me, he’s impulsive – just the other day he bought a kitten?! He’s taken my money, made money off me and spent it on drugs. How did I let all these things take place it just seems so clear now however I let it go on for two years always taking him back…I’ve cut the contact after waiting at his house from 10pm until 6.30am with him not coming home after an argument then finding out he was with the girl he cheated on me with..he hasn’t tried to call YET although I’m assuming he still thinks he can use me for money or sex again – the strange thing is some part of me wants him to call me even after knowing all of this. I can’t wait for the day when I truly feel okay again.
I recently broke up with someone I think may be a sociopath, I googled how to get over a compulsive liar and stumbled across your blog, is there a way to share my story and get support and see if he really may have been a sociopath?
Yes if you share on this thread Stacy, a lot of people have this particular post saved to email future comments. So it is the best place to put it. Obviously it is Christmas, so there might be a delay in response. Many people googled compulsive liar…. and found sociopath…. I know that I did too.
I hope everybodies Chrias was great and Spath free. Mine was. Yay!! One good thing,,,,this year I got a little bit of money and tonight I thought “this year I can spend it on myself.” In the past for Christmas and birthdays, if he found out I got money, he would say “can u give it to me” or “can I have it?” Or a week later he would need money for something. Knowing money was a gift and he still asked for it. Truly amazing.
If your SOC is from NY and ATL then we shared the same one. LOL. Still eerie to read some of the comments and not wonder.
Welcome to the site Moby!!
Ours was a roller coaster for three years. Met online, was swept off my feet by lies (he was separated and going thru courts for child support) told me he was single and living with friends. Very handsome guy and he knew it. He charmed my socks off and within a month he was questioning how I felt for him. We went on our first vacation abroad after six weeks and this was when I saw the first sign that something was wrong. He ‘arranged’ a meeting with an acquaintance one evening, her job was to convince me that all women love to be with other women. I was not budging that it wasn’t my thing. He called me boring as the girl tried to convince me I loved women too and should try a threesome. In disgust I walked away and left them. The next morning, instead of an apology he was furious that I embarrassed him and called me all sorts of names … I felt like my knees were going to fail me.
We stopped talking. he begged me back and … it just got worse. He downplayed my profession, my intelligence, my friends. And at the same time bought me a flat screen TV and access to his Amex. By this time however, I was so wrapped up in helping him with his ventures, I was loosing myself and compromising my job. I spent so much money bailing him out of one venture when his job forgot to give him his paycheck, and I never saw that money back. He asked me to add him to my insurance, and promised to pay but never have. In fact, he denies he ever promised to pay. I started finding condoms in his travel bags, sheets of papers with user names for women from New York to New Jersey, North Carolina, Florida, Jamaica, Canada …. He got business calls all hours of the day and night. He’d have weekend business trips at the spur of the moment and all his promises for our trips and times together never happened. In fact he would tell me to plan the trips, and then if I tried to check dates with him he accused me of not listening to his instructions. It just got worse, I kicked him out he came back. He never apologizes by using the word sorry. All his past relationships were his exes fault.
I think my SOC new he was a SOC. He watched the history channel over and over and was fascinated by programs about Hitler. He would remind me though he didn’t like the man – just how he was able to control and lead. His sexual appetite is SICK so SICK I dare not spell it out here. He challenged my christian faith and God’s existence. He pushed the envelope so far I am sure he’s blasphemed every other day.
The funny thing is, he thinks he is normal. He is in fact well-learned and has held visible positions in business – till they fired him. His family thinks he is possessed – he told me once his name was Lucifer and he knows he is going to hell. One time, in the midst of an argument, he was lying on his bed and kicked me in my chest I fell back. I tried to call the cops and he took the phone. Later that day he emails me that he talked to his lawyer and his lawyer agrees he is the victim because his knee was sick, and even though he is 6′ 3″ and I 5 foot even – I should be lucky he is not pressing charges.
He worked for a college in another state (where he lived with friends – though he’s never shown me where he lived). Always boasted how lucky someone like me was to have him in my life. He has an MBA but no focus – always starting different businesses and demanded my time be committed to his ventures.
In the end, he got frustrated because I never became that ‘woman’ he wanted me to become. One who was okay with orgies with other women, and any other sexual fetish his other girlfriends permitted. I haven’t even given the half of my story and wish I could. But I just want others to know, these SOC are evil and are attracted to good with the only aim to soil them as they are soiled. My SOC wanted me to stop going to church and admit that I was depraved as he was because of issues about my childhood I confided to him. He actually admitted that when he was done with me he didn’t want any other man to have me.
He tried to come back two months ago by ‘confessing’ how he now believes in God because he can prove it through scientific means. I told him who he was and now he hates me and told me I am so screwed up he wouldn’t be surprised if when I truly looked at myself that I would commit suicide. In the beginning he said he feels the world is made up of two kinds of people winners and losers and losers are a waste of space and are there to be led by superiors. He said he is kind to children only, but adults are fair game and deserve no pity for their mistakes. He has no friends. My sweet revenge was a month ago he texted me and asked me to pray for him because he could not lift himself out of his depression like he usually is able to do.
STAY AWAY. THEY CANNOT BE HELPED. ONLY GOD HIMSELF CAN CHANGE ONE.
HI POS & PR..Happy Holidays!.I’m getting there..I wrote this last night:
It’s called invincible (when I say “l leave a skeleton in my wake” its a play on words. The skeleton definitely implies death…but it is the death of my past which I’m leaving in the wake, or void of displaced water a ship leaves behind. Its not about my death. The song is about finding the strength to move on. The town is a euphemism for the girl. The “westside” is a beautiful area in my region)
INVINCIBLE
Packed my bags, I’m taking flight into the night, I’m seeing change.
And endless possibilities wait ahead for me, I’m taking in their range.
This town blinded my soul. It’s time to let it go before I’m too blind to see.
SO come September I’m leaving this town, I’m tired of feeling down.
And there’s nothing left here good for me.
I’ll leave a skeleton in my wake of lonely sins and bad mistakes,
and all these foolish small town jealousies.
I ain’t giving up, I ain’t giving up.
I’m invincible, I’m invincible when I see..
And with the wind at my back I’ve cut the chain I’m free.
Hello brother sky my friend. Are you sad again, so go ahead and let of your pain.
And let your sacred tears come down and wash this ground I’ve walked I understand your rain.
This place it broke my heart, it’s time I do depart. I’ve got nothing to hold, and I’ve got nothing to feel.
SO come September I’m leaving this town, I’m tired of feeling down.
And there’s nothing left here good for me.
I’ll leave a skeleton in my wake of lonely sins and bad mistakes,
and all these foolish small town jealousies.
I ain’t giving up, I ain’t giving up.
I’m invincible, I’m invincible when I see..
And with the wind at my back I’ve cut the chain I’m free
If I stay here, I know I’m gonna die. I gotta leave here, I’ve got to learn how to fly like a child in a dream again,
I’m facing south, I turn to the right, and fly to the Westside.
They’ve got sun there, and I heard it’s the best side.
Come September I am leaving this town
Come September I am leaving this town
I ain’t giving up, I ain’t giving up
I’m invincible when I’m free.
by LDA
XOXO
BROKEN
Hi Broken,
That was hauntingly beautiful & I’m sure even more so if heard in person 🙂
Keep writing & pouring your self into your writing as it is a fantastic healing took & hopefully one day it will be on Youtube & others will enjoy it & relate & heal 🙂
Keep going & find your Westside soon 🙂
Love & Light
PR xoxo & Happy New Year 🙂
@ PR & KEL, thanks so much for appreciating it. Things are starting to click for me musically a little eat a time. My band is adapting some of my original music, so maybe something might happen. It just feels good to get it out.
I actually ran into my ex-SOC over Christmas. ITs funny….but the obsession is gone…she holds no more power. ITs done. IT was actually funny how she sent me this “heartfelt tex” 3 days before Christmas telling me how much she has reflected on her behavior and how selfish destructive she is to the people around her, but then proceeded to act like the same selfish mean wack-job she really is after a couple drinks. The sad part is that its almost as though she can’t help it. Her self-awareness runs about as deep as puddle of rain. But, quite honestly, I mostly found humor in her ridiculousness. She came out with a spontaneously rude comment to me….I actually laughed outloud at her (not in a mean way). When I laughed that is when I knew I had overcome this crisis.
So, overcoming the obsession of “wanting the SOC” takes time. But if you take that time and NO-COntact, and truly figure that person out (the posts on this site will most definitely lead the way), when you finally do bump into them and watch their antics, you will realize just how pathetic and absurd they really are. Even if the SOC is physically attractive and “holding sway” in a bar and you see them, watch them the way they have watched you. You’ll find that their behavior is similar to an immature brat. You gotta laugh at people like that. They’ll never grow up because they are happy with the way they are.
Happy holidays
Broken
Hi Broken,
I think these people came into our lives for a reason & to show us the way or teach us a lesson.
I think your music will & has benefited etc…so, that’s a good thing to come out of all the drama & hurt that the Soc creates.
Like you I have observed my Soc (from a distance) & now see him for what he is, (nothing) & I am just finding myself & battling on to recreate the life I feel I need 🙂
It’s a shock to the system to go through this experience but, we have & we have survived 🙂
We have traversed the whole emotional gamut & run the gauntlet & looked at ourselves & our motivations deeper & on a more self aware spiritual level.
The Soc has made us focus on ourselves which, we should have always done.
They take more than they ever give & that should never be the ‘Deal’. The next relationship will be ‘give & take’ but, balanced & mutually respectful I hope 😉
I wish you a Soc free life & who know’s, maybe musical/songwriting fame or at the very least Peace & Love & Happiness 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@ PR and Broken
I learned from this experience to never ask anyone to give me the love and care that I don’t give to myself. (the SP uses empty promises of undying love to lure you, then to manipulate and control you). I also learned to not project the person that I want him to be, but to look underneath the facade for the person he really is … I am sure I will be tested on this …
@Broken, time, no contact and knowledge are the remedy to regain the sanity and happinnes after the disaster that a sociopath create. Mine called (again from another phone number) on Christmas Eve, he talked and talked about how sorry he was, about his mistakes, about an opportunity I remained silence just hearing I know it is a matter of minutes until the real him comes back, and then he began to accuse me of his loneliness, and when I didnt give him an answer he snapped and start to accuse me of being with another man and started using his bad words against me I just think, “so, nothing new? ” After he hangs the phone I just smiled with this peaceful feeling that gave knowing that I am doing the right thing, been far far away from Pinocchio Lala land
@ NO MORE, Yeah I say peaceful feeling is the way I felt when I bumped into her the other night. After you get past the hurt, and they no they can’t harass you anymore, in many ways it’s sort of funny (but pathetic at the same time) to watch them unravel in front of you with their own bullshit. Once YOU CAN REALLY FEEL it is no longer you but the SOC drowning in the whirlpool of their own nothingness, you feel nothing but relief. My ex-SOC was actually trying to play out an open fantasy that we still had something. I just laughed and said, ,”are you F*&king kidding me..” I feel very comfortable meeting women and and have never had a problem forming decent fun, and sometimes deep relationships with them. I had just finished playing two sets of music with an upright bass player and pianist (we were the house entertainment) and was having the time of my life and happened to be talking to a few ladies when my Ex-SOC appeared out of thin air(or so it seemed)! She was obviously trying to interfere with my socializing and was probably feeling jealous or greedy or whatever the hell those assholes feel when someone they want is getting attention from others. She introduced herself, with glib/hyper friendliness & cockiness to the two other ladies, stating “Hi I’m —–. I used to be his girlfriend. We’re still friends and stay in touch though. We looked great together!” Then she put her arm around me and said, “We still do look good together…Don’t cha think?”
I calmly announced,” Yeah but the fact is that we are not together.” The other two ladies realized she was an asshole that I didn’t really want around, and we were able to continue our conversation. My Ex-SOC made another point of coming over again and more or less demanding, “Tell me where you will be playing out so I can come see you. (then turning to the other ladies) You should here him play when it’s just him singing and his guitar. He played for me all the time in his apartment…sometimes naked.” The two other women silently forgave me for having hooked up with a wack-job. IN the end my ex-SOC’s antics only made my conversation with women more funny and interesting. She’s a moron, …a complete freaking moron who made a total ass of herself. I calmly told her to “please stop interrupting my conversation with the party goers and do not attempt to bully the women I was talking to or I’ll ask the host to have you leave. Now please let me enjoy myself.” She sulked like a freaking 13 yr. old and before walking away said, “I was just trying to have fun and be happy go lucky. Sorry you don’t like me anymore. I’m still very attracted to you.” I just replied, “Hon…it ain’t happening.” I think I handled myself well and was able to put her in her place without being cruel but with firmness. I started to feel sorry for her, but then I remembered from reading so much on the topic: Sociopaths often draw you in through sympathy. It’s just another trick in their bag if charm and physical attraction doesn’t do the trick.
HI everyone !
I just stumbled onto this site and have been blessed by you all sharing your stories- there is so much in common to be learned here. My heart and prayers go out to all of you who have tasted the evil that I have as well. I WAS MARRIED FOR 20 years to a sociopath/narcissist without ever being able to understand that. I knew fairly soon after marrying him that he was not the person he had worked so hard to portray himself to be but at such a young age I had no idea what to do with that- I was 21 and of course he had charm and looks that made my family think he was a catch! Only my good friends saw thru the mask and warned me; however he quickly eliminated them from my world.
Once I had my son I was isolated even more we moved away from any friends and family and I stayed home with the baby he took control of my life completely. He controlled everything. Here he began doing the double life thing- affairs even trying to get me to move to another state and he would commute so he could spend half time with his GF uninterrupted- he really tried to set up a double life- luckily our offer on a house in another state wasn’t accepted so his plain failed. SUDDENLY ALL OF HIS SOUTHERN BOY goodness and his supposed religiosity were out the window- he had used me. I HAD NO IDEA WHO I HAD REALLY MARRIED. One day he came home and told me he had an affair and was leaving me for her- our son was two at the time. He left that night and I was devastated. After pulling myself together I saw a lawyer and tried to get the ball rolling for a separation agreement so my son and I would be protected- he would never sign anything- after 4 months He begged to come back- stupidly I relented – I didn’t want my son to grow up without a Dad but now I realize he would have been much better off !!!! Unbeknownst to me he was lying (big surprise) and continued on in his,affair for years- only an amazing liar could pull it off- we even went to counseling where he lied too! the counselors said they never heard of a man that loved his wife this much! OmG
HE COULD FOOL ANYONE! Years went by with me depressed and disgusted at our shell of a relationship where he did everything for him! He spent thousands on his trips and hobbies and ignored the kids and I- by now we had 3, and yet he was irresponsible paying bills on time and our lights would get shut off- but if I asked to take over bills he would go ballistic.I tried to get jobs and he would ruin them for me by coming to my office and making a scene.I gave up and focused so hard on being the best Mom possible to shield them from his crazy possessive paranoid ways. He read my texts- installed spyware on my computer, put hidden cameras in my house, tracker on my car- I felt like prisoner, but nobody outside knew- impossible to explain. From the outside HE seemed perfect. Alone he was emotionally abusive- the combination made me start to feel like I was the crazy one- to be continued
Hi and welcome to the site!! 🙂
@Broken, cheers for you, they always have to be the center of the universe, thanks God we are not more part of this universe. I hope that you remain strong and the music let you go to new better ways. 😎
@PR, POS..EVERYONE..please listen to this THe Artisit is like a spirit that drifted in and out of the recording industry in 1970. He, Rodriguez, and his music have been rediscovered through a documentary someone did on him. The SOng is called “Crucify Your Soul.” It is beautiful and hauntingly right on.
I am so glad I found this site. Your posts have been helping me a lot. I was devoted to a man for 32 years, but just before Christmas he told me he had fallen in love with some one else, he left that night and that is it. I don’t know if he is a sociopath, he certainly has many traits that indicate he could be. He is most definately a narcissist. One of the hardest things about loving him has been the coldness and the cruelty. The lack of empathy is just so hard to deal with. No kindness, no warmth, no care, no compassion. Cold and hard.
I think there are two types of people in the world. Those who see life as a journey, and other people as fellow travellers. Some you travel with for a long time, some only a short time. When you need help, others help you carry your bags, and when others need help you do the same.
Then there are those who see life as a war. Shoot the other people before they get you. Problems arise when a “traveller” meets a “warrior”. This is how we were. I am a traveller and I like to be happy in my journey. i like to help people and I am grateful when they help me. My ex is a warrior, always trying to gain advantage, pillaging and sucking the life out of others, (me) and giving little.
I am now trying to work through the pain of all the years of abuse and wondering who on earth I am.
it is good to know I am not alone, cos it feels like that sometimes.
@ No More Insanity – mine doesn’t contact me any more, trying to suck up, because I not only have called him on ALL of his bullshit, and offered my opinion on his douchebaggery, but the last time he made contact I asked him for the balance of the money he owes me. (which of course he is so much of a chump that I haven’t seen) I have since blocked him from work and home email, Facebook and I have limited my public LinkedIn profile.
The few friends he has still contact me … which is weird, though I never had a problem with them and I certainly don’t initiate contact. I won’t respond in the evening, and if I do, it’s during work hours and it is very brief. I never ask them how they’re doing. Mostly because I just don’t care.
No contact all the way! Wooooo Hooooo.
and Happy New Year – all of the best to you in 2014.
Well said Darling.
A new year full of tools to make all your dreams come true!
@Darling…they are predators and lay siege to your life when you are totally unaware of it. When their life gets to pathetic or boring, they will seek you out. If you can get past the physical attraction thing (sorry I’m a guy….but it does count), and the emotional aspect which is really only a shadow of nothing, then you are home-free. Domestic animals, I say that with respect, are actually further evolved spiritually than the SOC’s. Hang out with them for an evening once you’ve figured them and their emptiness out………they are a shell. When you come across true human beauty in the future and are attracted to it, I predict you will have much more appreciation for it. SOc’s don’t know how to be human, and if you actually corner them (politely) they will admit that their “thinking” doesn’t really seem normal sometimes. You are potential prey in their eyes always.
It’s a shame that we have to go through such time and pain to reach the point that we “have to figure someone out because they hurt us” before we can grow into the person we need to be. But as Phoenix points out, it may be what we we’re supposed go through and to see. I have this weird idea that most of us are angels, or however you want to look at it, agents of the light that brought us here . Our spirituality is checked by our own free will and the consequences of those decisions we make. The lights dim around certain people and in reflection of our own behavior. We can change our behavior so that the light stay bright, and sometimes when we can enact change in people around us that are doing fucked up things. But You can’t change a SOC. You can’t change a predator. They are programmed to maim. The lights dim around them. It’s best to stay away from them, or get over the hump and learn to laugh at them, because you will see they are freaking morons once you get back in touch with your own light. It’s illegal to completely make them go away.
It’s best to stay away, but if you run across them, you really need to assume a kind of Hemmingway-ish kind of machismo (until it just becomes from a natural place of inner light and strength which will yield the same results) of laughing at them. That is how you can kill the devil. Laugh at him/her. S/He freaking hates it
I did something a bit silly last night. I wished the Spath a Happy new year. His response was rolling eyes icon. Nice hey.
I just get this feeling that he thinks I am the one that did wrong. Sure, I went crazy, but with good reason as it turns out. How come I am subjected to such rudeness when I am trying to be nice? I find it so hurtful after everything I did for him and he treats me like this.
Great way to start the new year hey. Absolute loser he is.
@Ex def an S
I doubt he even perceives it as rude behavior. As you know, they think about themselves. If he doesn’t care about or like New Year’s, it could be an expression of his own preference. Who knows.
@ Ex Def an S – he’s rude because he’s an a$$hole. That’s the only answer. You didn’t do anything to “deserve” it, other than open yourself up to his hatefulness. I think there is a definite disconnect in the mind of the sociopathy – they lie to everyone, including themselves, and will NEVER take responsibility for their part in the drama they’ve created. These SPs always see and portray themselves as the victim. It’s fcuking pathetic.
Save your energy and be nice to people who deserve it, he obviously doesn’t. You are giving away your power (over your own life and feelings) by continuing to make an effort to appease him. You might also want to ask yourself why you feel the need to be nice to him – I can’t relate because the last few times the jerk tried to contact me to suck up, I tore a strip off of him. I already know I’m a nice person, and I also know not everyone is going to like me or treat me fairly. Soooo, since he’s proven he’s not worthy of my respect or consideration, the truth is, I don’t care enough about him any more to wish anything good or bad for him.
With these people, apathy is your best friend.
What a wonderful blog and an amazing way for people who are dealing with the devastation left by an encounter with a sociopath. (I found it because I was doing some research to write an article on dating sociopaths). I have recovered well, but was married to a sociopathic narcissist for 13 years. Back then, I didn’t know there was a label for the behavior and even those years of manipulation and lies weren’t enough to keep me from allowing myself to be stung by another type of sociopath BUT for all of you suffering and wondering if you will ever feel better, I offer a resounding “Duh… of course you will!” The most important first step is the no contact rule. ANY communication is a way for them to pry the door open a little wider and wiggle themselves back into your life. They groom like any other predator so the break must be complete because any more communication feeds the addiction they’ve carefully fed to get and keep you under their control. Happy New Year everybody.
Happy New Year Still Happy, thank you for sharing your story – and offering words of hope!!
Happy New Year & re the grooming, we need to groom ourselves as we love ourselves & remain mindful of only grooming our own self & not letting others groom us:)
Love & Light Still Happy…stay happy in 2014 🙂
PR xoxo
Hey PR
Happy New Years
I’ve missed you since your trip from Bali. Lol. Here’s to 2014. Wishing all of us well!! Lots of love, great fortune and wonderful adventure in the year to come!!
NIBSIH 🙏🎉😘
Thank you. I think you hit the nail on the head. I was silly to have put myself in that position expecting him to be nice.
Funny how, when he wants money he starts it with “dear” but can’t be civil towards me any other time.
I was in a fake relationship with a sociopath for about a year and a half, and in that time I got pregnant and had a child. I saw signs right away, but chose to ignore them – I thought he was just another guy/person with issues that could be worked out. I had no idea what he was and had never encountered a sociopath before. Things got progressively worse in the relationship – mental, verbal and emotional abuse escalating, cheating, lying, manipulating, gaslighting, etc etc (I don’t have to go into detail because you all know the traits). I am now in a custody battle over my son who is not even 6 months old yet. He has tried to flip all of his insanity on me – trying to say I am mentally ill, I have a drug problem (he uses drugs) and that I am a liar, etc. Not only am I dealing with the acceptance and reality that I was with a sociopath but now I have to work though the havoc he is causing in mine and my family’s life and the worry I have that this man will ever be an influence in my son’s life (and also for our current safety- he sent a shady character to my home and has made numerous threats to me). He has another woman (who moved into my former apt with him only a week after I moved out) and he is manipulating her to help with his custody case. I guess I am posting this not so much for an answer – because of all the reading I have done online I have not read a positive outcome of a child custody case with a sociopath – but more for support and maybe some advice on things that deter a sociopath. He does have a short attention span, and moves from state to state- he doesn’t seem to be anywhere for more than a year or two – so I was hoping he would move on soon so I can move on with my life and make plans for a positive future for my baby boy. Thanks and positive energy to all who have to deal with people like this.
Hi NIBSIH 🙂
Happy New Year & I wish you abundant love & happiness always 🙂
I am good & sticking to my path of healing etc…Bali was fantastic 🙂
My daughter had a car accident upon my return but, thankfully is okay now 🙂 It’s been up & down but, I have remained resilient 🙂
I have to have root canal work next Monday so, that’s a bummer but, at least I have teeth 😉
All part of the process I think & good health is imperative!
I will be back at my gym (closed for hol’s) but, walking heaps 😉
I ate my body weight in food over Xmas & NY so, oops what’s new!!! LOL….Lindt Choc is my favorite & I think I’ll have my ashes scattered there when I drop off my perch 😉 in 50 years time hopefully 😉
Hopefully my old piggy Soc ate as much because, he was already obese so,that will definitely break the scales & his “you know what” will disappear forever under his blubber 😉 Oink,Oink …
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@ Deborah 🙂
You are not alone & I believe you 🙂
Stay here & share your story & find support & validation.
Stay focused on you & your healing as it takes time to process this experience. If you were in for years then, it can take years?
I was stuck for 10 years but, feel really good & it’s been probably 6 months total No Contact & 9 months since I realized I had been dating a Sociopath!
So, there is light at the end of the tunnel & you are already here 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
Ditto what Darling said 🙂
Yes Darling, you are 100% right. I have no Idea why I do this to myself after what he has done.
I am making this year as the year I concentrate on myself and look after myself. I have had 3 weeks off work, I am feeling relaxed and like my old self (to a degree, I don’t believe I will ever be my old self after what happened). I got my hair done a bit differently, got some nice make up and going to start making an effort again on my appearance. The last year I gave up on my appearance and felt like I wasn’t good enough for a man. I got dressed up for New Years, the first time in a while, and felt amazing, that was when I decided it was the year of me. 🙂 I know appearances don’t mean everything but it is a start to getting my confidence back.
@ ExDefAnS – Good for you! You deserve to feel fantastic, and I hope that everything wonderful in life comes your way in 2014. Hugs to you!
I’m not sure when I first started noticing. A certain difference when compared to other people which I just thought of as weird. Inconsistencies in behaviour, lying perpetually to others without second thought. The look in his eyes when someone pissed him off really badly, as if he would murder them if he could get away with it. Manipulative to the point of self-manipulation. Deception to the point of self-deception. It was quite odd to sleep in the same bed with a Sociopath.
But also quite freeing. I didn’t tell him that I knew what he was for a long time, while studying his behaviour. He’s never told me any hurtful lies, he’s gentle to me in the streets and the sheets, and places my needs (mostly) first.
They often say that Sociopaths cannot experience love and empathy, but they emulate these feelings well. Many say that they should be burned at the stake because they can’t feel. But I say they’re worthy of at least pity, since a Sociopath’s life is nothing but solitude.
It’s strange. He eats the same food I eat, he watches the same TV I watch, he sleeps in the same bed I sleep in.
Once I confronted him with my knowledge, he denied it at first. This is natural for someone who’s been forced to hide his true self for his entire life. After racking up the evidence against him, he eventually gave in and confessed.
When I asked him what it’s like to live without love, he asked me back what it was like to live with love. It’s a dilemma, we can never truly understand what a Sociopath feels, because we look from a vastly different perspective.
I also asked him what he felt for me, these are his exact words. “Lust, excitement, curiosity and loyalty. I know it’s not love, but it’s all thing I can offer.”
When I asked him why he was not like the Sociopaths I read about on these blogs he simply answered: “Those Sociopaths are low-functioning. They go through their lives ripping that of others to pieces. To my eyes, Sociopaths and normal people should have a mutualistic relationship, not a parasitic one.”
He immediately knew of me that I visited forums like these. When I asked him how he found it, he told me that the internet is the only place where Sociopaths are openly discussed. He also knows that, except maybe for M.E. Thompson, there are no Sociopaths willing to offer their point of view. He asked me to convey the following message: “It’s not your fault.”
He’s willing to offer his viewpoint, and told me that anyone can ask him a question through me.
In regards to Frost’s last sentence….”He’s willing to offer his viewpoint, and told me that anyone can ask him a question through me.”
Something doesnt sound right here. So, your soc wants to be helpful and warn us of things, and you are going to be his helpful partner to get the message out to us? I sense a redflag here, of course I could be wrong. I wonder what other words of wisdom he will ask you to convey.
M.E. Thompson offered his point of view. Sociopaths are not known to do introspection, let alone tell anyone else about what they are. I believe that whenever a Sociopath is willing to share his point of view, then we might as well listen. And if you don’t like what you hear, you can just plug your ears and say ‘He’s lying’
A sociopath wouldn’t tell you what you didn’t want to hear. they are experts at telling you exactly what you want and need to hear.
Due to this, it is therefore unlikely that you would shut your ears off…. and say ‘he is lying’…. as it is reverse to this, you would want his words to be true.
@worriedmom, don’t play his games, don’t react to his insanity. Your son is the new piece on his control game with you, the only way he can play the game with you is that you allowed him to do it, this is the way that they recharge, sucking the souls of others. So please, stay calm. He will be bored soon if you don’t give him more energy to recharge.