@Frost
Ask him how many others he sees daily, weekly, monthly. I just doubt you are the only one experiencing his “lust, excitement, curiosity and loyalty” (if, in fact, he is a verifiable soc). Because of their nature, love, respect, honor and morality are just not part of the programming. Too, if he’s really a soc, you won’t know what are/were lies and what aren’t/weren’t.
Thank you for your reply, Jusagurl.
In all honesty, this is one of the first hurdles I had to leap: Find out if he cheats or not.
I don’t have much to go on. But what I know from other people’s account when they go clubbing together is that whenever he is approached by other women he’ll have a chat and a laugh with them. But as soon as they come on to him sexually or try to make out with him, he pushes them away with a look of disgust on his face.
Sure, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t cheat, but ANYONE can cheat on their partner. There are loving husbands who cheat, and Sociopaths who don’t.
A few words from him: “I don’t get why people cheat on each other. You’ve already got someone, why would you need more? Sure, there’s excitement involved, but if that’s all you’re really going for then you don’t deserve your partner. And, no, I do not cheat.”
Hi Frost,
My guy was a high functioning Soc & insisted he did’t cheat ever!!!
I would still be with him if not for the OW who alerted me.
My Soc gave her the same lines etc…he accused me of cheating as they always accuse you of doing what they do themselves. He is playing with you & if he is a true Soc, has totally convinced you he is a ‘good person’ who would never hurt you. He is gaming you big time & I hope you eventually see through it?
I wish you all the best as you are in for quite a ride when the masks really comes off. Good Luck Frost, I truly mean that.
Look for truth & proof & if you have already been acting like a detective then, that’s the biggest ‘red flag’ & you should run!
By the way, I was with him for 10 years & the OW over 3 & neither of us knew about each other or others. The OW a Dr of Sociology decided to stay on even after she had all the proof so, some women stay out of dependency & insecurity but, infidelity is my deal breaker but, it wasn’t hers. That gave him full control, keeping someone that would put up with the ultimate betrayal is total domination & control…the Soc get’s that & it’s ‘game on’….God help her!
Be safe Frost 🙂
Love & Light,
PR xoxo
So, if his “clubbing friends” tell you he is disgusted with these flirts, and the soc says to you..”And no, I do not cheat.” I guess that settles it.
Yeah. Well, he’d hardly contradict what he knows you need to hear. And even fools, carpetbaggers and thieves need a place to land. Read what Positiva says about loyalty. The cost is really all yours since you’re with someone abnormal.
He also won’t ruin you (to your face), but he might tell me (his girlfriend) how you don’t have a traditional understanding, how he wants something more, and that you were an escort who won’t drive herself. He might also cook food you bought at my house, take me out in your jeep, fix my closet instead of your door, etc.
@ Frost – I’m sorry to say, that’s what mine said to me, too. All while chatting with other women online, and “dating” someone else behind my back (whom he incidentally married 13 weeks after breaking up with me, telling me he didn’t want to be with anyone. We had been together for the better part of a year, and he had asked me to move in with him while he was seeing her). I don’t know how mine ever would have found the time to be with anyone else, but not only did he, but they obviously were planning on getting married at the same time.
They play you with tales of their high standards of morality because it’s what you want to hear. I know I really wanted to believe it.
Mine dressed up like a freaking hooker for Christmas Eve Mass in 2012. Nothing wrong with being unique……but ….its like come on..for real?
@FROST
My SOC said to me shortly after we met, “It’s so silly than women ask men they meet if they are honest?” “A liar is a liar so of course a man will say yes, we are honest, because that’s what you want to hear.”
My SOC also told me what I wanted to hear. He was 41 when we met and he had a storied past of sooo many failed relationships. He said he got tired of the games, he’s been with all the women and cheated as any guy would – but he is ready to settle down now. His exact words were: “Like Naomi I am looking for my Moab” (a famous love story from the bible) I was a practicing christian at the time and he was not.
He offered up information on past relationships and said he couldn’t understand why his friends wouldn’t settle down. He used words like: feeling safe with me, my parents raised me well, sweet, ride or die chick etc. He would call on vacations to Jamaica where he was born and say how his old buddies try to get him to go clubbing with girls, but he would never do that when he has his woman in the US.
LISTEN TO ME PLEASE: It was all lies….omg…all lies. He had three full-fledged relationships with women in Jamaica, each one thought they were the only one. He had another relationship with a woman in NY, in Florida, in North Carolina plus, he was on dating sites with a profile saying he is looking for his “Ride or die girl” one he could settle down with. He had legal pad with two pages filled with profile names and contact numbers.
When I confronted him, he turned it all on me. I was the worst liar and cheater he said. He cursed me out so bad and not once did he apologize. Even when I had proof! You can listen to us or you can learn. He told the women he was in a relationship with the same things he told me. And every last one of us was helping him financially and with our time on his business endeavors and personal needs. And by the way, this was a functioning professional in a high-powered white-collar job. Not a penny was ever returned. Pleaaaassssse do not trust a thing they say. Plleeeaaase. I spent three years, do not waste yours.
Mine said to me, in the very beginning….
‘a man will tell you whatever they want you to hear’…. these are the words he said before he realised he was a sociopath.
After he realised he was a sociopath (and he knew that I knew) he would say….
‘I can be anything and anyone that I want to be, you know this’…..
Hi Jusa 🙂
Happy New Year & many blessings coming your way 🙂
I sent you an email 🙂
The Soc’s only loyalty is to himself & he will remain with you for years if you supply his needs. He will have others & never tell you the truth, his version of anything will be ‘sanitised’ in his favor. The Soc is very good at playing his role & if you are now feeling pity fir him, then he has got you right where he wants you. The ‘ pity play’ is just another ruse to keep his source of supply ( you) so , he will dupe you more now. Never believe a word he says as his version of the truth, will be a lie.
I wish you luck & hope you see the light before the ruining & final discard occur. It can take years but, one things for sure, he calls the shots, not you:-(
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. Lust is not love, excitement means game, curiosity means he’s seeing how much you take & loyalty means nothing, out of sight, out of mind ( literally).
A question from him: “I find it strange, why do you call Sociopaths Soc’s on these blogs? Is it because you can’t be arsed to type the whole word, or do you think that we’re not worthy of being written out fully?”
Anyway, regarding your reply. I questioned his loyalty when I found out he was a Sociopath. When I wanted to know why he chose me, even though he could basically do whatever he wanted and live hi life rule-free. He said “Existence with nothing to strive for is no existence at all. You can float around and ripping things apart wherever you go, or you can try to build a place to call home. It’s similar to kings, some are creators and most of the others are destroyers.”
When it comes to pity, I pity the Sociopaths because they’ll never truly feel what it’s like to care. That doesn’t mean that I’ll dull my mind to him, I’m still skeptical on his behaviour.
You immediately assume that he’ll ruin me just because he’s a Sociopath. Not every storm destroys houses. There are Sociopaths who have happy families and die without anyone ever knowing what they are.
P.S. Love is overrated, 50% of marriages founded on love ends in divorce, while those built on mutual loyalty only have a 25-30% divorce rate. Tell me again how loyalty means nothing.
Sociopaths can be very ‘loyal’ in terms that you have to be totally loyal to them and they have a sense of ownership over you.
With regard to the ruining. It is what they are capable of. They have no conscience, so therefore, as long as they are getting what they want, they are sweet as pie. As soon as they feel that they are losing control, (of you) they lose control. And when they lose control, ANYTHING can happen. They will fukc you over – deliberately to hurt you. To punish you.
Sociopaths DO ruin things, they can’t help it… it repeats over and over again. If it didn’t and if the pattern wasn’t identical, sites like this simply wouldn’t survive, they do, because I can write about other peoples partners who were also sociopaths. Not only did he repeat the same behaviour over and over again….. he did the same behaviour that other socio’s repeat too….
They have their own sense of love, but it is around their own needs. As long as their needs are met….
No not all cheat. But they find it impossible to be on their own, so even if they didn’t cheat, when they sensed the source of supply with you was about to be over – they would be off with someone else….. without a thought about you, while you are still ‘in love’ and you wonder how could you do that? You said you were in love with me. Then you see the particular brand of ‘love’ that you get with a sociopath. They do not tolerate boredom too well…. hate to lose control…. and they are opportunists who do not think particularly about long term plans…. neither do they learn from past mistakes so they repeat the same thing over….
Insanity – repeating the same thing over and expecting different results.
As for sociopaths being referred to as soc’s…. I would think i is a more polite word than other words that could possibly be used!! 🙂
There lies your problem, loyalty means nothing to a soc. he is only loyal to himself (or herself). If u want to live a life without love, that is your choice. To me it says that you don’t have love for yourself, but I am not a professional, so who knows. But to me that is sad. Why would you want to live without reciprocated love?
If there are sociopaths that die without anyone knowing of their existence, how do you know? Yet there is much proof of a heap of destruction that they do cause for those that are real.
There is one sociopath that blogs on here that has a limited loyalty to his friends but admits that if they back stabbed him in anyway he would turn on them without a second thought.
Good luck with your sociopath. Sounds like a real catch. 😉
Hi Frost,
I can’t be arsed so, Soc is it 😉
I dont think there are any stats on Soc’s living happily ever after but, who knows. I do know from personal experience that my Soc was married for 25 yrs & to my knowledge has never divorced? He still controls her via his adult son & daughter whi sabotage any romance she has at his bidding. The OW & I were under the impression he was loyal/faithful to us but, the proof & truth came out.
This is just my personal take on my experience & I have seen true loyalty & it does exist but, not in regard to a Soc, they are loyal to the source of supply as long as they find it useful otherwise it’s cut off. My Soc has a loyal band if followers & enablers but, if they knew the real him, they would not be. The Soc lies & manipulates everyone as we are all fair game to him. I hope for your sake, you can ‘hold your own’ & i truly would hate to see you lose years of your life like i did for nothing.
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S Frost, he has so much control over you that he asks us questions via you! Thats full on gaming & ruining because, he has you do his bidding even though you know he!s a sociopath. Thats what they love, control & youv’e fallen for it 😦
I think they just like the ‘attention’ and to think that they are ‘special’… 🙂
Frost, if your soc boyfriend is so eager to educate and enlighten us on the mysterious ways of “his kind” why doesnt he just log in himself and do a question and answer session with us? I get the feeling it’s an ego trip with him, a source of supply if you will. All the ladies eager to know what’s going on in his mysterious, brilliant yet sadistic mind. But then one really never knows who one is communicating with on these forums do we?
HI FROST,
I do want to you know that “rule free existence” is what my ex-SOC seeks in me. She is constantly trying to come up with a loop-hole through texs with which to ensnare me into being under her spell again. Last week, after a brief chance encounter at a Christmas party, she showed up at my doorstep with Christmas cookies , dressed like an Elf, and performed a sex act on me and begged me to go to wedding/party with her. Against my better judgement I agreed. This is after 3 solid months of No-Contact. I knew there would be a lot of fun people I knew there who I’m quite fond of whom I had met during the course of my troubled 1 year relationship with her.
Loyalty: She was “all about me” in my apartment, but naturally it became “all about her” at the party. She is charming (even endearing), strikingly attractive and sexy…the kind of woman that can go anywhere and garnish male (and admiring female) attention wherever she goes.
Of course the next few days I heard nothing and she went off the radar. I kind of didn’t give a shit because I knew what she is about. But trust me, if you ever ditch this SOC, please maintain no-contact, because I’ve had 3 sleepless nights since that night out with asshole.
She said and did some heartless things to me during the course of the night that have lived rent free for 2 or four nights now.
That’s what they do. They screw you in the end. And the very much enjoy the profits of your self-esteem loss they caused
@FROST and @POSITIVAGIRL
I heard my SOC on the phone with his best friend once saying how much he hates women who are weak. Weak women, like I had been, will dismiss his abuse or disrespect or lies when it first happens (and it will) and hope he will change. You are skeptical and may even put your foot down, but you won’t leave … you will tolerate for a moment and will show him that you are not like the other women he was with who couldn’t be patient with him or try to understand. You will show him that you are not a woman who would cheat either – like the ones from his past. You will also believe him when he tells you what you want to hear.
My SOC, knew he was one because he told me someone called him a SOC. BTW that was when I decided to look up the meaning and found this site. When I confronted him about his cheating he said one thing he can tell me is that he is loyal to the end. He won’t leave you that’s for sure. Loyalty to SOC means: “As long as you continue to serve ‘some’ need of mine, I will remain – but I will also be loyal to the other women who are serving my other needs.
He was even bold enough, when we were coming to an end, to tell me he used to send lewd text messages to an ex with whom he had had some razy sex-capades. His comment was: “Wow I was impressed, her new man must be something cause she stop replying to my texts” “Hmmh can’t believe [ex’s name] is dissing me now – I actually respect her though, she changed.”
Two years into the relationship after I’d tolerated him, my SOC asked “Why do you stay with me?” I said oh because underneath I know you are a good guy. Sheesh … the things we do to ourselves. He must have laughed to himself with that reply.
“Loyalty”, in the soc mind, means he came back (after you enabled him). Their thinking is you should be grateful, regardless of the terms. This means no real understanding of a loyalty that includes faithfulness, reciprocation, admissions of guilt , etc.
Well said PR! Thank You for your Christmas greetings and wishes and I wish you too and everyone here Happy New Year, full of health and happiness, which I am sure it will be good and better year than the previous one for all of us! We are free from our ex spath and we are generally spath aware now. I remember I had sociology and psychology at school, but all they were teaching us was some garbage instead of these insights. These kind of things should be taught at school. But that is our system generally, people are not taught the right things.
Hi Caerra 🙂
So true & part of the problem is that society fails to recognise just how much Sociopathy is damaging the world over. Hitler was a classic example of a Sociopath & his power. How many more people will suffer while Sociopaths exist undetected among us. They have been around since time began & I think the reality of them would literally ‘blow our minds’.
Still, thanks to Pos & others, the awakening has truly begun & the internet allows us global awakening & support so, we can make a difference & I believe we will 🙂
Keep the faith & remain Soc free forever.
My wish for the world is Peace & Love….something the Soc’s cannot supply.
Love & Light 🙂
Knowledge is Power so, we must keep sharing & supporting as, it’s starting to make a huge difference & saving a lot of people from the darkness 🙂
@frost, if he is a sociopath, you can believe nothing he says. They have no compassion, no empathy, no remorse or guilt. They do not love. Try and imagine what life would be without that. it shapes who we are and how we behave and give us morals. our care of other people and having empathy of what horrors can happen, help define us and bring us compassion. They DO NOT HAVE THIS. Lying is nothing to them. If he is a soc, He does not care about you or your feelings because he can not. I have not heard of a single one that does not cheat as they don’t see it like we Do. And yes, normal men and women can cheat as well. But they will feel remorse and guilt for what they have done. A soc will not. The question becomes, why would u stay with someone who will never love you? Who will drop you with no remorse the minute he gets bored enough? If he is a soc, he only cares about you as a possession, a favourite toy and trust me, if he is a soc, the moment he finds a shiner toy, you will be discarded like you were nothing. He will put into you some care, like a kid with a toy that needs to be up kept to keep it shiny, but for how long?
I believe many of us have ended up here because we did not love or trust or respect ourselves enough. You are worthy of real love, we all are. A sociopath is not worthy of our love.
Good luck. I hope you chose the right path.
They are not worthy of our love because a sociopath can not love in return, nor respect nor care. They only think of themselves and what is good for them.
Hi It Is Done,
I know it’s going to be a great year & life. If we can endure what we have then anything else is ‘a walk in the park’ LOL
I am determined to create a great life & everyday I am doing affirmations & making my thoughts positive. It’s hard but, it does work as long as you practice it 🙂
Life will still have it’s struggles but, the awakening & awareness has been amazing. The Soc makes us take stock & look deep within ourselves so, they help us achieve our inner power & access it for ourselves, not anyone else 🙂
We are free, free at last & nothing, not even death can stop us because, we are earth angels & we have earned our wings well & truly 🙂
Be Happy It Is Done 🙂
If you ever doubt yourself, look within & find that resilience & strength that has kept you going all along.
Remember, you are not alone & I am walking right beside you everyday, you cannot see me physically but, I am here 🙂
Love & Light Always 🙂
PR xoxo
Well said It Is Done 🙂
Happy, Happier 2014 & beyond 🙂
Yes, once a new target becomes more attractive it will be off with the old & on with the new & around it goes.
I would never knowingly stay with a Soc & still don’t get those that do when they say they know? Does my head in to think someone would volunteer to be in a relationship with one.
We did the best we could with what we had to deal with & had we had all the truth & facts, we would have opted out for sure.
I hope we all stay Soc free & I wish you love, health & abundant blessings 🙂
Hi PR, happy new year to you too gorgeous. New beginnings for us all. 😄. I’m really looking forward to this year and the joys it will bring for us all. New adventures a head. A new life.
Peace x
That’s beautiful, thanks PR. Right back at ya!
For me I’ve learnt so much. I’ve certainly learnt to trust myself beyond all else. And I’ve learnt boundaries and im learning that i am worthy. I’m still learning how to express myself to those I love.
Going back home to tassie over Christmas was an eye opener and has shown me I still have some way to go. Within 5 days I was feeling like a failure and worthless. No wonder I let the ex treat me like he did. It was like coming home. I even said that to him the first time we got back together. Ha! I forgot how toxic home was.
But after a few days back home in Sydney I can look at it and it has actually helped me even more in my healing. I am now starting to get my shit together to get a job and no longer need the validation like I used to and I think about him and us differently.
Onward and upward!
P.s. how is ur daughter?
@it is done, my daughter is good & got all clear today to resume driving & working so definately onwards & upwards not sideways into concrete walls! All good here bella, lifes never dull but, we have come so far & we will get to destination happiness for sure 🙂
Keep the faith & keep doing your best as only you can do 🙂 P R xoxo
So pleased to hear that your daughter is doing well PR… that is indeed good news!!
You know I said that I went to hospital with my heart, I seriously thought i was having a heart attack…. I felt so stupid when I realised it was a panic attack… now I know that severe panic attacks feel like heart attacks.
After reading Thomas’s book, I don’t think gender or sexuality is relevant (to her atleast) I believe Richard Speck stated to the interrogating officer who finally busted him, “I ain’t man, and I ain’t woman. I just do what I do.”
I admit I like her twitter updates…. a favourite was…
The sociopath is the salesman…. without a product 🙂
@PR, that is such good news! So relieved and happy for you and your daughter. xx So a great New Year ahead for us both. Brilliant. Xx
Hi Pos, happy new year to u too! How is ur book coming along? How are you going? Xx
Hey It is done. I am ok. Its a tough time of the year for me, as I am coming up to anniversary of my daughters death, so the PTSD kicked in hard. Panic attacks etc… wish I could wake and it be February!! …. apart from that i am doing ok.
Have you had any news yet? I am unsure how many weeks have passed? It might be too early? Are you doing ok?
Happy New Year to you!! 🙂
Hi pos,
I’m sorry to hear that. My birthday and Christmas with my toxic family were a tough time for me. Add on to that my negative pregnancy results and I definitely regressed a lot. So I have some understanding of what your saying… but not to your level. You have shown what a strong beautiful woman you are, so with a bit of time, (especially once February is over) you will be back to your self again. Within 5 days of returning home, I’m feeling a step ahead (albeit a small one) of where I was in healing before I spent Christmas with my family. So hopefully u will be the same… Once Feb had passed you’ll be even further in your recovery. Thoughts are with you xx
Aww I am so disappointed for you 😦 I was really hoping to hear positive results. Are you able to try again? I really hope so, that must have impacted you if Christmas was not too hot either.
Sending you a huge hug, you sound like you need one – what i hate is how much of our time that they waste -and for a woman, it is time that we really do not have. I really can relate x
Thanks Pos, yes I think it made Christmas harder. My whole family ,except my sister, are dead against me doing this on my own and have told me blatantly that they are not there for me.
I have many back up plans.., i still have five frozen embryos plus im now on traditional chinese medicine for aged fertility treatment, so ill also do one more round of IVF and then I go into plan C. Many years ahead before I give up even though I’m 42 now I’m vet fit and healthy so there is still some hope.
I know you can relate. And appreciate your support and lovely good thoughts as I have for you through the next month xx
It’s well past my bedtime so night, sweet dreams xx
Goodnight and sleep well…. and as for your family being against you, this is probably fear based. I am sure that if you get a positive that they will be delighted and 100% behind you (one would hope)….. they probably fear you going through more pain…. i might be wrong, but this is what sprung to mind for me. Sleep well x
I believe M.E. is a woman? She is a sociopath, so of course she is telling the truth. 😉
It’s your choice to believe as you please. I really hope your soc is the exception to the rule for your sake. I however don’t believe that with them there is an exception to the rule. If they have no empathy, then they don’t understand your feelings and never will be able too. If u really think about what that means (put yourself in their shoes -which they never can do in return) they do not feel like we do. They have no compassion or real love. They dont care about anyone but themselves. how can they? by definition, they have no empathy. if yours does,, then he is not a sociopath. Go on sociopathworld.com by M.E. it shows u how uncaring and selfish they are. They are like children.
These are my thoughts. Again, I’m not a professional. I wish u luck.
@ Sweetfreedom 🙂
My thoughts exactly as Soc’ s pretend to be victim etc..,time will tell & they always show themselves ( lol)
I would never speak for a Soc & never come to a site like this tobdefend one or validate anything they do!
Love & Light to you Sweet & HNY 🙂
PR xoxo
@It is done. Love lasts less long than loyalty, as is proven by 50% of marriages based on love failing. I am aware of what I can expect, I’m not simply a sheep to be used. That’s why I am already aware that he is a Sociopath after a mere six months of relationship, where most people only find out after years.
It’s common knowledge that 1/25 people is sociopathic. The average person knows about… let’s say 250 people. That would make for 10 Sociopaths (positive and negative fluctuations not included) Wouldn’t the fact that you only know of one in your life so far mean that there would be 9 of who you have no idea what they truly are. Is that not enough proof that there are enough Sociopaths who live their lives non-destructive?
Another Sociopath on this blog? I’d love to compare notes with him/her.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, as i am a strong advocate of not doing personal attacks, but I am going to write what my thoughts are. Excuse me, if i am being paranoid. I just understand sociopathic behaviour too well (yes there are different types) i have dated different types, but their pattern is always the same.
I am wondering are you a sociopath ? There are a couple of sociopaths who have posted here (JK off the top of my head) although he hasn’t posted for a while.
I don’t mind those personally – its the ones that pose as ‘victims’ that I do oppose to. As they are the ones who can cause problems for this site.
Love is everything. Real loyalty stems from love and trust.The honeymoon does fade, then love becomes something deeper but not as intense. At times it fades further and if you don’t work at it together, it will die. This is where so many go wrong. They don’t work at it at all or together. Without love and trust, loyalty has no depth and can easily be transferred – ask any brand manager. Sociopaths lie – there is no trust for someone who lies. Sociopaths can’t love – they have no empathy. So how long will the loyalty last? Without these deep roots to keep them attached? Right up until they find a shiny new toy. Or till they think the old one is broken.
My ex soc thought I was everything he ever wanted. After about 8 months he realised I wasn’t perfect, things went downhill from there until we broke up at 12 months. Five weeks later without him finding anyone as good to replace me, he came back. To four and a half months later realising that he still couldn’t completely control me, or get my money and that i wanted respect, love and give in return for all the love and give i gave him, then he started looking for my replacement. Which he did 2 months later.
That’s loyalty?
As long as he thought I was not “broken” he was loyal, but as soon as I did things (small things) that weren’t perfect in his eyes (as small as not cleaning up his dogs poo from the back yard or forgetting to water the plants, or not going for a run with him in the morning because I was tired because of the hormones from IVF) his “loyalty” was broken. But I’m sure that was my fault for being so lazy right?
P.s. funny u use the term “sheep” that’s a favourite derogatory term sociopaths use on sociopathworld for empaths.
The truth is blaze, that you will never understand what true love and loyalty is. I feel very sad and sorry for you and your kind. However, your abuse of people for your own gain (which you may not realise is abuse because of your complete lack of empathy/understanding) makes it impossible for people to stay with you. Those that do, you will break to a point you will not want them because they are broken. Without realising that it was u who broke them. I don’t want your type of loyalty. I want love. That is what makes us human. That is what makes life worthwhile. Without love there is nothing but emptiness.
You should have a conversation with him, you sound a lot a like. I can’t remember his stage name. Ill look it up tomorrow as its 1am in the morning here and I have to get up in 6 hours.
Before my ex discarded me, I had no idea that this disorder was so prevelant or really, what it was. Like most I thought of dexter or serial killers. Now I’m aware, I know a number of people that were in my life that I now suspect. There were 2 that I worked with. One in my family, a previous boyfriend (although he was mist likely a narcissist, not a soc) Luckily for me, I started removing toxic people from my life a few years ago. I have also spoken to many people about my experience, its amazing how many stories im getting bsck the same! Since your such a numbers man/woman, you would know about clusters and variables. I associate with people that are in charities, have good will and care about other people. My cluster would be less soc intense. Sometimes one slips through. Now I’m aware, very few will slip through.
That must be frightening for soc’s as awareness is growing, it’s harder for them to hide. I personally believe, that only those with low self esteem, or self worth would want to stay in a relationship with one. There maybe some that stay out if pity, but for how long till they crave for someone to love them? To give to them? Rather than them giving everything with little in return.?
But each to there own.
Night.
@PosG and PR. Shit. this hurts. I’m in pain. I took a fall
Venus: Supreme Assassin
She stripped her clothes and pleasured me with
warmth & Christmas tidings the day after Christmas.
She said she found these left-over baked goods she had made and thought I should have them.
She found them like a killer finds an improvised murder weapon during a home intrusion.
And brought them to me. wrapped in torn foil.
By the end of the night I propped up the tribe of snow man cookies she left behind thinking maybe they would comfort me.
I cried as they laughed at me.
It was all just an empty delayed holiday joke that gripped me back into all the panic I felt before.
I could not travel down the River of No-Feeling that night when it hit me.
It was too late.
I was dead in the water again.
I drown.
Yes. She wore me down with texs…I went to party. SHe was the same self-centered asshole she always is. I went home thinking just that. The cost..3 sleepless nights. I’m a dumb ass, but atleast I know what to do.
@ sweetfreedom
I’ve taken your advice, I am the sociopathic partner of Frost. We’ll just use Frost and Blaze as a means to separate the two of us to prevent further confusion.
I have tried to convey the reasons of a Sociopath on other blogs, it was more than often not received well. Maybe they were too close-minded to give a damn, maybe I was being tactless. I don’t know. I hoped that having Frost filter what I want to say would help people to at the very least try to understand.
I’m not here to teach you on our “mysterious” ways, but on our motives and reasons.
You want a Q&A on what we think and do? You got one. Ask away.
No thanks Blaze, you and Frost sound too much alike, I’m not quite sure you are separate people.
Ditto……
@ positivagirl
Victims of Sociopaths often go to those forums telling us what shitty people we are, but when one of us comes here waving a white flag of parley, then it’s shoot on sight? Hypocrisy, if nothing else.
I’m not here to play games, I’m here to help others. If you don’t want to read what I have to say, then just ignore it.
???? its you who is shooting on sight?
I have already said that sociopaths have posted here. One was a regular poster.
I am telling you that I can’t ignore what you write, this is my website. I write all the articles here. I don’t need you to explain the sociopathic mind to me. You can go to sociopath world for that. This site is for support for victims.
@blaze
I’m not speaking for Pos here but from my point of view… There have been many sociopaths on here over the 10 months it’s been up. They are allowed on here and I personally like occasionally hearing their point of view and we have conversations with them. But like on YOUR blogs, there are many on here that dislike your kind and will voice that. On sociopath world, I have read all sorts of demeaning and contemtuous comments from sociopaths to empathy commentators. Therefore, you are the one here being hypocritical.
I think the issue was you pretending (lying ) to be someone else. Sociopaths speak differently to empaths. You can’t hide from us now we know who you are.
Unfortunately, I’m going to sleep now otherwise I may have continued. Night
No. I don’t think any of us want to be part of your game.
@Blaze. Closed minded? Probably not. They are just very weary of Sociopaths because they have been hurt. I, for one, have been emotionally, financially and psycologically abused by one therefore I take cautions to protect myself.
@Frost. You say that you have been in the relationship for 6 months. I hope that, for your sake, once the “honeymoon period” is over, that you don’t discover how manipulative and exhausting a relationship with a Spath is.
@it is done. Are you looking at being a single mum?
My Sociopath wasted my “good years” with promises of children. I am only in my early 30s now but have a back up plan of being a mum by myself. I just don’t know if I have the trust and confidence to have another relationship again after the Sociopath relationship.
Hi ex, its 2am in the morning in oz and ive got to get up to swim with my triathilon group in five hours so if im sorry if I’m short in answer.
Being a mum is the most important thing in the world to me. I am now doing it on my own 6 months after discard (started 3 months ago). Nothing will stop me. I am 42. I’ll send Pos an email to send on to you with the full story and if u have questions, I’m happy to help. My best advice is dint leave it too late. I’m so scared that I have. X
@Frost, I trembled when I read your post. If you are not a sociopath you are playing your boyfriend game. I hope real, reciprocal love find you. Nobody deserves to be treated as a thing.
Yes I agree they are all the same. I dated 3 in a row (!) and the most recent one got (or acted) really mad when I would compare his behavior to the other two! He would say to stop comparing him to my exes and I would say, “A liar is a liar.” The 2nd & 3rd one tried to mirror me after I told them about my lying violent ex & they both insisted that they ‘never’ lie and never are violent then would proceed to tell several lies that uncovered at a later time & the 3rd one even broke my finger during a confrontation where he was ‘cornered’ and had no logical way out of the argument.
@BLAZE,
You folks and your “thinking” aren’t really that hard to understand once one gets passed the denial of putting up with it for so long. Again, there is no mystery. The hurdle for me was one of spiritual dissonance. I had to reach out way beyond my normal realm of understanding how people ticked to understand the pathology of the Soc I dated. SO, in th eend the hurdle wasn’t just logic, it was understanding what had happened on a spiritual level. The logic wasn’t hard because I was doing it all along (I broke up with her 4 times in one year). My denial (and her seduction: via sex..pity…whatever) is what kept me allowing her back into my life. To begin breaking free I had to go out passed my comfort zone. Listening to logic didn’t work. She liked to play dumb, but was of superior intelligence when it came to manipulation. Trying to shut down my libido didn’t work, cuz she is extremely seductive. Shutting down my emotions didn’t work because my emotions were all fk’d up and “confused.” I had to (and still am) look passed those things to understand her on a primal level, because her pathology was not that of a normal (or abnormal) caring adult. I had to accept her pathology as a reality that exists. I’ve been burned by woman…I’m 51 yrs. old…how couldn’t I have been by now. This woman was something much different though….a negative drain on me spiritually from the get go. She was impulsive, heartless (but always talked her way out of it when I’d call her on it), and while able to maintain a “glowing persona” to the outer world, has a history of emotionally maiming those closest to her in her life (her kids, her mother, her ex husband), and maintaining a parasitic existence. The difference between her and other woman I’ve dated is this: She acts on my life to gain leverage to f’k me up at a later date. She views my kind nature as a weakness..not an asset. The other women I’ve dated, regardless of some bad break-ups, have acted on my life for reasons of emotional & physical fulfillment.
I’ve seen malevolent looks from women after they say and do hurtful things during those last few brutal months of a harsh breakup. The look I got from her, however, after she made one of her “asshole comments” was that of an animal. She had just wounded me. I was her prey.
Normal People don’t like that shit.
I do understand the way you think BLAST. If you adopt a lifestyle based on a costs/risks model, and finally determine its in your best interest to “do the right thing” because life is “better” (less being thrown-out of live-in arrangements….arrests..etc). This is the outcome-based moral world you could embrace and flourish in as a productive citizen.
Both M. E. Thomas (The famous Soc author, and Robert Hare (The guy who came up with the screening index for Sociopaths) kind of agree on this philosophy.
Most people do not wish to walk through a den of lions and try to tame them while they are only trying to traverse through inter-personal relations. Check out Thomas and Hare. I’ve learned a lot from them on the subject. I’d rather not experience the interpersonal cancer of learning it the hard way through a soc however.
@Larry Angeline
After reading Thomas’s book, I don’t think gender or sexuality is relevant (to her atleast) I believe Richard Speck stated to the interrogating officer who finally busted him, “I ain’t man, and I ain’t woman. I just do what I do.”
That’s interesting. My soc was rather androgynous also, and nearly said the same thing. He said, he wasn’t like other men, that he also had feminine traits and didn’t care what people thought about it. I always felt his dress bordered on gay, though it was disguised as stylish and, amazingly, that’s how most women seemed to take it. Maybe I have too many masculine traits to share the view. ha ha ha
“His comment was: “Wow I was impressed, her new man must be something cause she stop replying to my texts” “Hmmh can’t believe [ex’s name] is dissing me now – I actually respect her though, she changed.”
Two years into the relationship after I’d tolerated him, my SOC asked “Why do you stay with me?” I said oh because underneath I know you are a good guy. Sheesh … the things we do to ourselves. He must have laughed to himself with that reply.”
————————-
Soc’s remind me of that old Rodney Dangerfield quote, “I wouldn’t want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member.” They know what they are so, I guess if we seem to be trying to accept and love them, WE must be nuts, even to them. ha ha
That’s interesting too… so, when they accuse you of cheating, it’s not a mind trick, they really think you’d think like them.
I remember my ex-soc trying to figure out who this guy who drove me over to his and his father’s house was when he got my car impounded. He called him a “fruit loop” (meaning, gay). I told him he wasn’t gay, but had a girlfriend. He replied, “That doesn’t mean anything.” (To him, maybe.)
Later, when the guy and my relationship to him came up again, the ex-soc tried to pretend he had proven we’d been together and told me we were through. I just called him out on his lack of logic and finger pointing. He eventually let it drop.
Funny though that he never considered I had any connections in my new city until he put the screws to me and I asked friends for help. He thought I was lying about being over at friends’ houses, hanging out, having lunch, etc. Probably because, for him, they would’ve been lies.
@Blaze & Frost?
‘Bugger Off’
We dont need your help or guidance & we dont need to validate Frost’s acceptance & pity play.
Thanks but, No Contact….Frost will soon melt away completely if Blaze is around. Interesting names, Frost alludes to Frozen heart & Blaze a roaring fire, all smoke up the Soc arse!
Love & Light to you both 😉
PR xoxo
Yes, soon as I saw the name, alarm bells rang 😦
Anyway, it’s not our problem so, we will move on & Frosty & Blaze can play elsewhere. If Frost truly exists then OMG I hope she realises loyalty means just being kept on a leash & it can last a lifetime for some. The Soc hates losing a supply source, I can prove that!
Just stay on your path It Is Done & now you are free to really concentrate on creating a new life ( literally).
I lost a very great friend to cancer this year, really tragic but, 21 years ago she fell pregnant after a ‘red wine’ encounter 😉 She had just ended a 10 year relationship & her one night stand gave her the opportunity to have a much wanted chance to be a Mum.
We met at ante- natal classes & bonded immediately 🙂
Her daughter was her greatest gift & what a divine child/ young woman she is. My girlfriend is in heaven now & watches over us 🙂
My daughters first name & middle name & last spell my friends name ( Deb) & my girlfriends first, middle & last, spell my daughters name ( Dan) short version. We always thought that was spooky as it wasnt intended. We also found out we were related by marriage! My daughter said, after her recent accident that Deb was with her 🙂 we love each others daughters so, that is probably true 🙂
It Is Done, anything is possible & I feel very positive that you will be a Mum, one way or another so, keep believing in miracles, I have seen them work 🙂
PR xxx
Thanks PR, I won’t give up for a long time yet. Now looking at getting my Dutch passport (dad is Dutch) so I have even more options. As you know, in Oz, donor eggs and embryos can only be gotten if you know the person who is willing to donate.
It seems in regards to frost/blaze they/he have run away. Shame. I know it upsets some people but I do find it interesting. I guess we didn’t give the poor thing the admiration he needs. 😉
Frost sounds like a sociopathic username 😉 It reminds me of the movie Mr.Frost. But, there are so many people who are not ready to accept the truth about sociopaths, they defend the crumbs of so called ‘special love’ and so called ‘loyalty’ that the Soc gives them. Sometimes, when the Soc is a close family member it is even harder than when it is a love partner. It is not easy to ‘give up’ on sociopathic family member, but they are so manipulative and sick it makes any communication impossible… uuuh 😦
@scarlett. Spot on! My S and I had a conversation about respect as he said I didn’t give him any. Turns out we have completely different ideas and thoughts of the meaning. Mine was what the general populatoon thinks it is. Respect to him was supporting him by giving him money (which I did!) And leaving him alone and not talking to him.
@Ex def an S
Boy, this sounds familiar. It must be a soc mantra: Just give me what I want, do what I ask, and leave me alone. Accountability is not their strong suit, but applying it to you is!
Oh, and he told me a few timez that I made people feel uncomfortable about their situation. My friends and I had a good laugh at that one. Clearly he didn’t think I was uncomfortable with him asking me for money constantly. See, they always put it back onto you. Expect everything but never give anything back in return.
“And after leaving me alone, wait until I think you deserve to have a piece of me…” And then repeat the cycle.
Todau is the “Three Kings Day”, on my country is a big celebration, ! Feliz dia de reyes!
I’m glad I’m finally getting answers to my problem and realizing I’m not alone. I’m still currently in the relationship and its like waking up in hell everyday. We met when I was 16 about a month after I had been raped. We became good friends he was soo charismatic and being in such a vulnerable point in my life I fell hard. He seemed to have a lot of friends at first always had people over then maybe 6 months or so everything changed. He started picking fights about my friends and didn’t want anyone but him to have my attention. I was always the type to want to work I got my first job as soon as I could and bought him what ever I could just to see him happy. 2 years into the relationship I was still spending lots of money making him happy and the control issues got worse and verbal abuse came into play. 3 to 4 years came around and mental and physical abuse came into play and I felt trapped any time I would try to leave which was a lot he would reel me back in. Now I’m at 6 years with him I’m about to be 22 in less than a month. I had a really good job until June of this past year he was living in a shitty apartment with his dad and I felt horrible for them so I found a house in an amazing neighborhood and got it for the 3 of us well 2 months later I lost my job (note he has only had 3 jobs in his life 2 of which my mother got for him and he quit within 5 months and the other job his father got for him which he quit within 2 months.) after I lost my job he flipped and the abuse on every spectrum went to max 10. I couldnt take it anymore and gave him an ultimatum told him if i didn’t get respect I was leaving in which he told me I didn’t deserve it so a month later I left. I was gone for 3 months he wouldn’t let me take my belongings from the house he was threatening to kill himself and was actually cutting himself and sending me on average about 100 texts a day. I felt like it was all of my fault and I couldn’t stand back and let it happen even if it meant I suffered so I went back. He was so sweet for the first 2 weeks then the abuse came back and worse than before. The littlest things could set him off like me not getting what he wanted when I did groceries and getting bar stools and couches thrown at me being drug across the floor and thrown into doors and walls and him saying it isnt abuse because he didn’t break any bones. He made me feel like I was insane and beyond alone. I’ve lost contact with over half of my friends in family because of how he is. Now I’m almost to the end of my lease and I have to get out. I’m terrified that when I leave he will go crazy so I’m uprooting my life and moving all the way to the other side of the country. Its the hardest scariest thing I’ve ever went thru being in this relationship. I’m so happy that I’ve found answers here tho and know I’m not alone in this
Hi Jess, welcome to the site. I am sure that you will receive a warm welcome from everyone here. Please stay with us, I hope that we can help you to leave and get out of this relationship safely.
As he is abusive, and has the potential to be violent. Please make a safety plan to leave to get out safely. Don’t let him know that you are planning to leave as his violence will escalate when you are about to go. So do this in secret. cover your tracks. As you probably know they are able to read through anything so he will likely be suspicious, make all your plans in advance. Ensure that you separate your money, or put money into a safe account. if you are at risk, please do not stay and get out even if you have to get to a safety shelter. Never put yourself at risk. Do know (as you probably realise) that his behaviour WILL escalate when you are leaving and he will be capable of ANYTHING – without conscience this is literally everything. Warn people that you TRUST – so that they can help you. Be wary of mutual friends. Try to focus on the long term future for you. You can do this, and as much as we can, we will be there for you. Welcome to the site!!
Hi Jess,
so sorry to hear your pain. If I can add to what Pos said… When you leave, block all access to communication, even change your phone number and ask those that you tell ur new number too not to give it to him. Block email. Shut down or block him from social media – everything.
Hello,
I did a search on google for “remorse necessary for healing” in attempt to find info that I could show my husband why I cannot heal in our relationship and that search returned your site. Funny thing is that I didn’t even include sociopath in the search but he is sociopath maybe even deeper than that. He has lied to me throughout our relationship the worst of which that I know of was a 2.5 year full fledged relationship with another woman behind my back which came out back in 2008. Since then he’s tried to make it up to me but his abuse comes out in other forms now.
I’ve always known that there’s something different about him and so has everyone else but I was in love with his charming, romantic, loving side that I failed to really see anything wrong with him. My mom has expressed to me that she has had a gut instinct since the day I met him that he was going to kill me one day and has worried about it for the entire 23 years we’ve been together.
He always played very rough with our kids and would tease them in ways he thought was funny but that I could see was a bit much for them at times. I over looked it, blew it off etc.
Anyway during and after the affair came out he told so many of the most outrageous lies you can imagine one after another without even batting an eye. I mean crazy stuff like the trip he took to Jamaica with this woman he went to see a voodoo witch dr and had to climb through thick forest and cut up his hands and feet and there was a sacrifice etc., he.said he did that because I believe a voodoo curse was the problem in our relationship. Well the affair was really the first glimpse at how different he was from normal people when though he ripped my heart out he never showed an ounce of remorse.
The words of his own mother ring in my ears repeatedly over the last several years when I ran home to another state to think after the affair came out. She said “you need to leave him, Jamie is lacking something inside that all other people have and you need to leave him”. It scared me and now it scares me more.
Now our fighting has been getting more and more vicious, he says the most wretched things to me, said that me and our kids are the lemons life handed him that he made lemonade out of, he’s picked on me relentlessly for being to fat, the day after a heartbreaking miscarriage my hormones were all over the place and I was crying about the affair and he stood over me and screamed that “he’s sick of me being hung up on when he fucked Paschal” while I was still having cramps from the miscarriage on the floor crying below him.
I was going in for breast lump removal and we got into a fight the night before that and he told me to go ahead and die. He has threatened to kill me then said after he kills me he will kill my mom knowing that I’m close with her and thinking it would scare me. He has choked me numerous times during heated fights, one time as he pushed my head under water in the tub, broken so many things that I love, tells me I cheated him out of so much in life, he was supposed to travel, have women etc., recently he had me devastated when he said he’s never like making love to me because “my vagina is too huge”, one time in the car during a fight he was speeding down the highway saying he’d take us both out and don’t I want to die with him like Juliet or did I lie about that too? Just absolutely crazy stuff! Though I have stood by his side through thick and thin. Even when we were dating he broke into a very close family friend of mine’s house and robbed them, he got caught and did his time (probation cause he was a kid).
This last fight we had two days before new years he hit me in the face, granted I hit him first but he’s never done that before and he knows that I grew up in a violent home where my dad beat my mom and promised he’d never do that to me. In all the years I’ve been with him, he’s never one to apologize at least not until I do first. My heart is broken from the evil words, the hate, the violence and I can’t get an ounce of remorse out him and it is really getting to me. With true sorrow and remorse I feel I could heal and get over it but all I get is a condescending yelling at me “I’m sorry” and the next day it’s grow up and get over it!
He blames everything just about on me, every fight, every problem is my pms etc. The thing is though I’m not perfect I am easy to live with.I am a people pleaser, in fact I’m a full fledged empath! I avoid conflict as much as possible and diffuse so many situations with him without him even being aware. He even said he saw something different about me than other people and he needs my smile and happiness to feel good, says he feeds off of it and when I’m down it infuriates him and makes him horrible! Living with him is so hard my adult son who lives here for free and doesn’t have to do anything and gets along with us well had to just move out cause he can’t be around his dad anymore. I mean every moment is a challenge, dinners/holidays etc ruined over his super opinionated, domineering attitude.
The reason I stay is I love him despite all this, I’ve spent 23 years since i was 15 years old with him, we have two kids and the thing is it’s like he has this amazing side that makes you forget about the bad side. It’s like he’s two different people one minute the man of my dreams, caring, loving sensitive, super romantic and passionate and the next he’s my worst nightmare, mean, rude, opinionated, judgmental and very, very, argumentative about EVERYTHING! It’s like he lives to argue with people and it’s like his only true emotion is anger and hate!
Last night really got to me when my cousin’s husband was killed in a garage explosion and my husband was cracking up over it. He thought it was funny because they’d only been married two months, the guy cheated on my cousin and she really didn’t love him so he thought it was hilarious. He says death is funny. I’m disturbed by this kind of talk. I’m disturbed by his lack of remorse, when you hurt someone you are supposed to feel bad and he never seems to, in fact his remorse and caring side seem to get less and less the older he gets. He was way nicer when we met.
The bad part is that my older son (21) tells me he doesn’t feel anything and has very little emotions, he says he doesn’t feel anything when he hurts someone’s feelings and youngest used to be very, very sensitive and caring recently became so depressed and said that the only emotion he feels is anger and his sensitive side has seemed to disappear, he never looks happy. I mean I literally miss the person my son used to be I watched the transition nearly overnight, it was truly unreal.
I just don’t know what do. For some reason I can’t leave, he tells me that I’m the only one he can count on and I’ll be just like everyone in his life letting him down if I hurt him and I HATE letting people down!! I know I should’ve left a long time ago and I sometimes I feel so trapped I’ve even contemplated suicide. I don’t even really know what I am asking here maybe I just want someone to tell me he will change and get better. I’m not sure, I just began learning about sociopath’s and everything screams run and don’t look back but I just can’t seem to do that to him and the thought of losing him is so awful that I don’t know how I’ll make it, he’s been my best friend when we’re good we have so much fun together and he can be everything I need. Can you please give me any advice?
Hi hm thank you for sharing your story and welcome to the site. Ugh how he plays victim telling you that you can’t leave ? You know that this will not get better physical violence always gets worse it never eases or gets better. I don’t think It ever changes or gets better as they repeat patterns of behaviour even when they try they still end up doing exactly same thing. Control manipulation the lies and in your case violence. There is a post here can a sociopath Change? The best you could hope for is to love him for who he is. But is this good for you and your health? Go through the posts in archives (on left hand side) you will see he can’t Change as this is the way he is. And if he is violent I fear for your safety this will get worse not better.
You are not letting him down. He lets himself down. You need to know that he won’t change. The problem is within wiring in the brain. They think different do not have a conscience. They don’t feel guilt remorse or shame (if he says he does he is lying)
Your story frightens me. Is it fun and loving when he is choking you? when he hits you? when he attacks you? drowns you? emotionally abuses you? psychologically fucks with your head? You need to get out NOW. This is not love. This is an addiction. You love the half of him that’s not real. He has no empathy. He is dangerous. He is killing you emotionally.
Get out NOW.
You can not help him. He says that he needs you because he knows that this is what ties you too him. He does not love you. No one would treat someone they love like this.
RUN.
Well written…. sorry I was replying on my phone… thank you!!
H.M. Christi: maybe next time he says “your vagina is too huge” maybe just reply with “maybe your dick is too small” lol!!!
I found also that I couldn’t heal after betrayal in my relationship. Of course, he never helped and put it all back onto me. Bringing up everything I did wrong (btw, it was only words I spoke and never anything else) but forgetting that he did the biggest betrayal of all by lying, cheating and stealing. I never once betrayed him, I was so loyal and loving and the words I spoke was nothing compared to his actions towards me.
It is going to be hard, but you have to find a way to leave. It will take a long time to heal and try and move on from him. It isn’t easy at all. These people seem to have quite a hold on us. Allow yourself to grieve for your loss (as a break-up can be like a death) and allow yourself to make mistakes. Be gentle on yourself and surround yourself with people that love and care about you. Also what helped me was to find something you love doing or find a project you can work on, this will help you look forward to something positive. I went and started to build a house and I got a puppy. I tell you, these are the 2 things that have helped me so much. My puppy gives me the unconditional love I deserve and the house is a sign of my freedom and new life.
Research, research and research. This will give you a better understanding of Sociopath’s. Also talk on here too and get some of that anger and frustration out by talking to people that understand.
Thank you so much for the replies! I am amazed that though he knows he is a sociopath and does not deny it that he still blames me for EVERYTHING and can’t fathom that he’s being wrong and cruel to me. Our situation sounds so much like yours. I am a really sweet person though I have been angered enough and hurt enough by his words to say some really horrible things and even hit or throw things at him but it still does NOT come anywhere close to the things he’s done to me. When I re-read my post I think if I was reading that and someone else wrote it I would think what a crazy person for staying with this man. I mean it just isn’t right one time I tried to tell him about how I felt and how I’m scared of him etc. and he so mad and immediately like “well then leave cause I don’t want you around me if that’s how you feel about me” like he’s done nothing wrong! As soon as he said that I got all panicked inside and apologized. I do not know what his hold is on me, I just don’t get it. It’s like I fear him hating me,I fear what will happen if we split up,that he’ll be so mean, do and say the worst things and I won’t be able to handle it. I feel like I need him and I’ll be alone and abandoned. This is not a financial connection either, I’m not staying for money, I have my own job I could get a cheap apartment. Plus there’d be child support but I am afraid and even deeper than that. I don’t know what the hold is, how do they gain such control. I also cannot understand how when these things he’s done are laid out in front of him I’m still the horrible person and the one who is a quitter and that there’s something wrong with. I don’t understand how he can’t see how horrible these things are and that I don’t deserve it. He said the other night I deserve more.
It doesn’t amaze me that he admits he is a sociopath yet still blames you for everything. This is part of the sociopath mentality. I always said to mine when he did stuff like that, here you go again being the psycho…. They do everything to gain control. False allegations make you defend yourself rather than focusing on their misdeeds. Constant chatter or ranting wears you down. Isolation keeps you from others. Lying keeps his life private. Asking probing questions he knows all your life. He can see how he is. He just doesn’t care and thinks he is superior to anyone else. He has said one truth though ‘you deserve more’….
Hi HM
Please read as much as you can on sociopaths. The more knowledge you have the more that this will make sense. Read as many of the comments on this blog and others so that you can see that you are not alone and that his behavior is extremely destructive and wrong and identical to so many others. If he knows that he is a sociopath then this is even more dangerous and horrendous than you may realise. I’m not a professional mental health person but it appears to me that you are addicted to him. I recently read this (below) article that is not sociopath specific that may help you while you are trying to get your head around that this man does not love you, never has and never will. NOT because you are not worthy, but because he is damaged… damaged beyond any chance of changing.
May i also suggest (beg) that you get proffessional help? You can get better and you certainly deserve a fulfilling loving relationship. You will not get this from him.
Peace xx
@HM, not every abuser is a sociopath, but every sociopath is an abuser. You are making your first step, trying to understand that those past 23 years were not normal, and that you want to do something. Please, keep learning, and stop the cycle. .everything will be better to you and your sons.
I have a question, when a boyfriend is always asking you for money, how do you stop thinking negatively about him? Always questioning what his true intentions are. I became quite angry, annoyed and frustrated as it was all the time. He never paid a cent back. Many times I put his needs before mine. He made me feel like these were not the right emotions to have.
After the relationship broke up, I had no savings and when I went for a home loan they questioned where my money was. I completely lied to the bank as I was so ashamed of what happened and also because I needed to start fresh and have something positive in my life.
That is something I have asked myself so many times while I was with my Spath and after my relationship with my Spath.
@ex def an S
Hi 🙂
Stop beating yourself up. The taking from you is part of the Spath power play & even though you had your doubts & anger etc…it is all about the injustice of being taken 😦
The spath lives to take & take & take & only ever give to get, always a payoff of some kind. Remember this isn’t personal, this is how they survive. They live to take & survive & we live to give & share & love, polar opposites really.
Take heart in knowing you gave of yourself & your money, your a good person who got duped like us all by a bad person. Think of a spath like an object, not a person as that is how they view us. If the object no longer is of value, they replace it & get a new one. We do the same with objects but, not people but, pretend he’s an object & replace him with the real deal, Yourself! Love yourself & be happy, the spath will never have whats truly valuable & every-time they hurt us, they hurt their own essence, it’s unavoidable as we are are one source. Our source transcends this existence with love & the spath will never have that & will continue to stay stuck forever. Stand tall in your truth & purpose 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Ex def….I was told by my ex soc that my job was to make HIS life better..when I was under his spell this made sense to me….now you have woken up, it wasnt your fault.
This is a thing for me today. I had to order bank statements as a company had been taking money from my account. So the statements came back to 2011. Just before I met ex. I knew he had stolen from my account. I had no idea how much. I knew he had taken 350 in two transactions. Reading through I saw another day when he took (same day) 30,30,60,190 … I felt sick. I find the sense of betrayal and how my trust was abused the worse to cope with. I stared at the statements in shock. I realised as I went back through old messages, (it was 20th Feb 2012) how he was being nice. I also realise just how nice I was at that time. He changed me for sure. I am sad that one he abused my trust. Two that he abused someone who was still so traumatised I couldn’t work out why I had no money. I know it was a long time ago. But it hurt me today learning this. In fact I felt shocked it was far worse than I ever realised 😦 so I can empathise.
Pos, I can empathize also 🙂
My ex husband was a gambler & when I discovered the magnitude of that, it almost destroyed me 😦 thousands & thousands & he made me account for every penny I spent. I found out the full details when he had been so so nice & on his best behavior, I was 7 months pregnant with my second child so, did not know what to do.
I got in my car & drove to my Granddads house, he had passed but, I still felt great solace talking to him. I was very depressed but, I sat & thought & knew I had to go home. My little girl was 4 1/2 & need me to pull it together. I went back knowing this & when I had my son, he went gambling & couldn’t pay the balance of my hospital accommodation (private hosp) so, I had to ask for help.
My Soc on the other hand, I found out recently, sold me a car & said it was a great deal etc…but, I have since discovered he ripped me off $2,000 more than I needed to pay so, that’s why I am poor ;( but, only in money, not in spirit & we will get through this. Our money is ours (little as it is) I respect it & will never waste it or give it away again to unworthy people.
We have more than money can buy, we have truth & it will set us free 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
do you know what made me feel sad today PR? If I am honest, it wasn’t just sadness. I felt numb with shock (It was on Feb 20th 2012 – Look at my facebook wall on that day) …. was that I had no idea that this was happening. On that day, I was really sad. He had taken 30,30,60,190 in one day.
What made me feel sad, was realising that no matter what had happened to me, it was the loss of innocence that I lost. My niavete, my trust. I will never be that person again. Not ever. It is gone. This – was taken from me, and it is worth more than any amount of money or cash. This is something that can never be given back. Not ever. I will never be that person again.
It made me hunt back through old messages, reading my facebook, what was going on? What was I doing? I realised that day I was at the doctor.. I must have been pretty low and down at that time. I think that must have been the day that I went back to the doctor to get another sick note to be off from work…. and he was robbing from my bank.
It is my sense of trust that was abused. I looked back and realised just how much I had changed. That – is for me, the biggest loss of all.
Hi pos, sorry you’re feeling so down today. I understand about your sense of loss of part of yourself and loss of trust. Please don’t let it get you down too much. Although a loss of innocence has occurred, there are positives with this, as there is with a child that starts to grow up and innocence is lost. You now have a deeper understanding of human nature, albeit the bad side, it will aide you further in your proffession. it will also give you better tools to protect yourself and to choose a healthy relationship in the future. How I look at this for myself is not that I can’t trust anybody, but that they need to earn my trust. I know that I am a very trust worthy person, so I know that there are others out there. My first narcissist, took my trust and lead me to ten years of bad relationships. My second one, the sociopath has taught me that I need to trust myself first. If I had done that then I would have walked after 3 months at the outer. Both of them have taught be so much about myself, that was broken within me, well them, you, this site and my counsellor. But trusting yourself is paramount. Giving your trust to just anybody is dangerous, as we all have learnt. This has made me smarter about life, people and myself. Yes there was pain and a loss of innocence, but with it I am gaining a sense of self worth and trust that is worth the pain.
I hope this makes sense.
positivagirl: That’s exactly how I am feeling too. I was so carefree and just went with the flow with everything. I have changed so much. I get stressed easily and have developed a short fuse. I also find it sad that we feel like we can never help out a partner with cash (who isn’t a Spath and would pay us back and care for us) because of our past.
@ Pos,
Ditto, ditto & I kept going back & forth but, it is shocking & I relate to your pain 😦
It’s over & cannot be undone so, don’t let this be your undoing.
You are a great trusting person & that hasn’t changed & you are still sharing so much of yourself even in your own pain.
That speaks volumes about you & is nothing to be ashamed of, we have all been taken in, abused & betrayed but, we are all here & still standing or sitting or lying down curled in a ball 😉
The thing is, you have changed & whilst something awful has caused that, something brilliant & amazing & stronger & more resilient has emerged. Like a butterfly 🙂
This is always the case if great pain & suffering have occurred & it’s the only way to our higher power. Trust this higher power to lead you through this recent discovery, go with it & remember, it says more about the Soc than it does about you 🙂
He’s a dead sh*t & inhabits hell so, rest assured, he will rot there 😉
Love Always PR xoxo
Wow Wow Wow, we are not alone 🙂
Congratulations on those figures, we are awake & seeing the truth so, welcome all who come & visit, you are definately in the right place 🙂
If you live in Australia, there is a story on A Current Affair tonight about a lady who gave $50,000 to her boyfriend ans he lied about havong cancer. In the meantime he is taking his actual girlfriend on holidays. Will be an interesting story to watch.
Did anybody in Australia see that story on A Current Affair about the lady who was conned into giving her boyfriend $50,000 and she was told he had cancer. Meanwhile, he was living with another woman and was living the highlife on the ladies money as well as other victims. Sociopath? Interesting story and feel really sorry for his victims.
I found this quote in Dr Wayne W Dyer’s book, ‘I Can See Clearly Now’,
Mark Twain Quote ” Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds, on the heel that has crushed it”.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Some of the comments on Facebook about the story are quite rude. People calling her stupid and it was her own fault. I don’t think these people have heard of Sociopaths and the power they can have over a person. Her sons were defending her so I am thinking I might email them and direct them to this site and recommend some books and other websites. She might not realise that she was in a relationship with a Sociopath.
Hey PR, I’m replying to your post with the link but can’t find it. That was some seriously scary reading. I think it was a very opinionated, left winged view but some key info in it. I thought he was off the mark when he talked about why we get into relationships and have trouble leaving… Quite insultive even. I also have my theories on why they seek out relationships if not for money or social gain. I found that a big hole in his writing. And an important one. I wonder if he had some sociopathic tendencies himself as although he was negative on them, there was a twist to it that implied they had more power than what I think they have and a danger to the future of mankind.
My first desire after reading it, was to agree with what many have suggested here, to put up photos of sociopaths on a website to protect other women and men. I’m actually thinking its a good idea.
About a year ago when I was going through a lot of hurt and anger, I found the Spath’s ex-wife on Facebook. I sent her a message asking if she was previously married to him and told her a tiny bit about what happened. I completely forgot about it and then today I woke up with a response from her. It said “Just don’t pay any attention to him. He is not a good man”. Has anybody else had any contact with your Spath’s ex’s? My ex was very open to me about the reason why he married her. It wasn’t love but she works for someone very high up within the Government (not my countries Government) and it was for status and power. While I was with him, he loved showing photos of himself with Government ministers to anybody he would meet. Why didn’t the red flags signal when he told me that he didn’t marry her for love? He used to say such awful things about her to me. It was all her fault that she left and won’t let him see his son etc. The good old “poor me” thing that Spath’s love to do. I actually believed him until he betrayed me and I started to think that maybe she wasn’t the crazy one…..
Good point. I didn’t think of that. All I can think of is that maybe she doesn’t go onto facebook that much. You have raised a good point. I think I won’t respond. Life gets better when I am not thinking about him.
My curiosity made me meet the OW but, the ex’s are different & it’s probably best that you go No Contact with anyone associated with him. She is probably really nice & got duped but, it is likely to bring up stuff & delay your healing so, it’s up to you?
On the other hand, it could really help you both?
I’m a big help aren’t I!!! 😉
“What’s love got to do with it” is playing on the radio & it was my Soc’s favorite by Tina Turner…hmmm a message me thinks….
My Soc told me he never loved his wife of 25 years & that he married her because, she wanted to? I think, that from what we have learnt, that they marry with an agenda & she suited his purpose etc…it’s never about love but, usefulness & always something in it for the Sociopath.
Even if it’s just a cover to show a ‘happy family’ scenario etc…my Soc’s ex is still part of his game plan as he manipulates her via their children.
He told me, she wants him back,even after everything he did to humiliate her. Knowing what we know about the addiction etc…she probably does poor thing 😦
Just be careful & don’t open the door too wide to the past 🙂
@H.M. Christi: It is amazing how we are the ones that feel guilty and apologise to them all the time. They wouldn’t even know how to say sorry. I told my Spath that I was scared as well. He said that “your scared feeling pushes men away”. Errrr nope it never has before because I have never been scared in a relationship like I was in that one. Spaths will always see us as the crazy ones no matter how much we try and prove otherwise.
I know exactly what you are feeling. I can’t explain it either, but it is like I wanted him to not hate me. I felt like I was trying to always prove to him that I was a good person. Even now, after finding out about Sociopath’s, there is a very small part of me that seems to not want to believe that he is one. I think that is because we don’t understand what it is like to not feel anything.
These people are absolute nut cases but, to them, everybody else are the crazy ones.
You are a good person & that is why you struggle to understand. You have empathy & conscience & the Sociopath has neither. Your struggle is part of the healing process, your human & your normal 🙂
We are only victims because, we fought & won, which equals VICTORY 🙂
Remember who you really are, a fighter & a beautiful person with great resilience. It’s got you this far so, trust it to take you further. You will grow through it & from it 🙂
Keep telling your story & sharing & supporting as it’s a great healing tool & you are never alone here 🙂
@PR
Hi There. 🙂 You know, I think it’s conceivable that, because of the addiction element you point out, a person could potentially be linked to a soc for a lifetime whether they’d planned to or not. It surprised me that my soc’s ex-wife is still mucking around with him because, I can’t imagine wanting to be involved with someone in that way after I’ve taken a stand to leave partnership with him. Just seems waaaay counter-productive to the success of the rest of your life.
I can say this now too because the “spell” for me has broken. I feel as though I was hypnotized, and for no real good reason. I still see evidence of him around the house sometimes. It doesn’t cause me to miss him. I remember the conversation around the thing and think, “Idiot” (meaning him), and “What were you thinking?” (meaning me).
It is really worth making the effort to break away. With just a little distance, I can now see how this involvement did absolutely nothing for me. All the benefits were peripheral and in retrospect (and I’m sure unintentioned on his part). It’s nice to have a non-response to something I had previously questioned whether I could get over in life.
Hi Jusa my good friend 🙂
I think some people develop co-dependancy & unless ‘push comes to shove”, they stay. They believe things will get better & hope for change.
I am like you & think ‘what was I thinking’ but, as we now know, our mind is overloaded & its hard to fathom the mind games that go on & usually so subtle that you don’t ‘get it’. I was always questioning myself after conversations with my Soc, analysing the conversation then making in into my own understanding. Does that make sence? I was literally rewriting the words in my brain so, that it translated like he cared but, expressed himself badly. I know now that I ‘vaselened’ the edges just to keep the illusion alive for myself. I didnt want him to be exactly what he was. I held onto that belief for 10 years. I would have figured it out quicker had he not had so many enablers etc…& he was extremely good at it!
I don’t miss him at all but, the memories come back to haunt us, thats normal.
Once you get past the anger, the pain comes & the knowing whats happened scatters you to the four corners of the world. I could cope with a cheater ( not accept though) but, a sociopath is far worse because, you cant un-know the experience. The fact that this sub-culture exists among us makes me sad. I don’t want to see the suffering they create. I don’t want revenge but, I really would love to see some justice & recognition so, I think we all need to support the awareness & write & share etc…our stories. There is no shame here, no-one should be subjected to a sociopath without their consent. If people had more awareness then, at least they would stand a chance.
Just be happy & continue to grow from this encounter, you are stronger for it & your resilience has made you a victor not a victim. The victim’s are the ones that choose to stay & thats the difference.
My story starts a little over three years ago. I met my sociopath through friends. At first I did not like her and neither did my friend. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She started telling me all of her problems about how she has been wronged and mistreated. I felt compassion for her and tried to have fun with her. Hanging out and doing things together and with friends. We began sleeping together and things escalated quickly between us.She began focusing all her attention on me, notes, gifts and lots of sex. She has three kids, two from one guy and one from another. I should’ve seen the warning signs when I learned she did not have custody of any of them. She made up some lie about being raped and they were all mistakes. That the exes would take her to court to get them away from her so she gave up custody. I just heard what I wanted on my high of being in love. She would often try to get me to spend time with them when she has them. I felt uncomfortable as we were a new thing and I thought as little as she saw them she should spend quality time with them, just her but she tried to get me involved a lot. I did but with restrictions as I was not ready. She began making me feel as though I should feel responsibility to them. I refused it and didn’t see them much.
After getting me hooked she lost or got fired from her job, who knows what’s the truth with her. A series of not working and hanging out at my place went on as I worked and she did nothing. I felt used and hurt, as she would often have moments of outbursts of anger for no reason. She would start fights and use sex as a weapon. She said all her exes abused her and raped her etc, etc. I felt bad for her and believed she would gain employment and things would get better. She then lost her car and lost job after job. We argued constantly and I wanted her out all the time but she refused to go. I felt stuck since she had said all her family was awful and she had nowhere to go and nothing. I let her stay and stay all the while she would cry and claim she would change. I began to work and go to school to support us both still believing her lies, the illusion she presented.
I felt like something was off the whole time. Things weren’t adding up, she would try to crazy make, saying things then denying them, saying I said things I did not. She would like to stare me down even though it made me uncomfortable. Things got worse after she got a job. She looked at me and judged me for not having enough to provide her. She began coming home late knowing I would have to work early. She began avoiding our whole relationship. Our sex life had been bad for awhile, I always felt like it was a power thing for her so I didn’t want to participate.
She would tell me she could talk to me however she wanted and would hold me down saying she was being playful. She told me if I didn’t give her sex she would take it from me. All kinds of sick shit. I made her work and get a job. I refused to pay for all her shit and once she had a job its like she hated me for having to get one. She kept me from my friends and family and didn’t want me talking them about our relationship.
It all came to a head when SHE finally decided to leave me because I wasn’t her fun toy anymore. I was confused because the day was great, we had fun and then she flipped out took all her stuff and told me things had to change and this was unhealthy, that she felt like a caged animal. It was crazy after all I had done for her, I gave her a car to use and a place to stay. She then turned around and blamed me for being homeless and having nowhere to shower, yada, yada. I talked to her even though I shouldn’t, thinking I could reason with a crazy person. She came to get her things and I saw this cold dead look in her eyes that I tried to dismiss so many times. She let her mask fall and wasn’t trying to be loving towards me anymore. She became hateful and argumentative that I wouldn’t take her back. I was well aware that she may be a sociopath before all of this but I didn’t want to believe it and all my friends that told me to run.
I deleted her on social networking sites along with mutual friends and family we had and I had to block her. She still had access to my info and it scared me, she called me wanting to know what my post were about and who I have been seeing and such. I was freaked so I took several steps to change my passwords and even watch my bank account. She still wanted control after she left and if I wouldn’t be with her anymore she wanted to be friends to see what I was doing. I have since cut off all contact for days now. She was becoming nastier and nastier by each contact. I plan on sticking to it because I have a lot to offer and I am tired of her bringing me down. I am thankful that I still have close friends around me and family that love me. She is still texting me but I am ignoring her cries of me being a liar. Just abnormal shit I refuse to put myself through anymore. I plan on changing my number as soon as possible.
Thanks for reading.
Thank you. I am healing and my friends are great and supportive. It still stings. I had an off feeling for awhile when she didn’t want to kiss me or faked wanting to kiss me, faked wanting me or claiming other lies. I am aware that she is now sleeping with a man that she has been working with, claiming all this time to be gay. She got him to buy her an e cig, gave her car in her name. She never wanted me to meet this man even though she said they were “friends”. I should have known she has been working him, getting him to cater to her kids. Most likely telling him how awful I am and lying about all kinds of shit. Getting a car from him in his name and insurance. I kind of feel for the guy but I admit I am very hurt by this. If only he knew she will soon ruin him and try to tear him down. She couldn’t take my friends or family away or money. She has shown no sign of hurting that we are over after three years. Its really tough knowing that I was the sincere person. The good person and she never cared at all about me, only her own agenda. Frightening. Good luck, man.
I am just in awe of thinking all the sick shit she had probably been doing all this time, plotting and probably bringing people into our bed. Its sickening. She’s really good, I will give that to her. Psycho.
@ Jusagurl,
What i meant about rewriting what he said for example, he said he nevet loved his wife of 25 years & I heard & translated that as ‘sour grapes’ because she took him on financially ( yay) & when he said he felt something like love for me, that was enough at the time because he’d never said it before.
When he said his eldest child was his favorite, I was florid but, put it down to the othet two having upset him somehow? So, because it wasnt my nature to think & talk & act like him, I felt pity for him being like that, when he was actually stating fact. When he said he wasnt like most other men, i translated that as him not being a cheat etc…in the course of conversation. Lots of lies mixed with truth so, no wonder I those clues as it went off my moral scale etc…so, thougt he was a sad person to think like that & he would be happy around me & he was 😉
Dating a Sociopath 
@Frost
Ask him how many others he sees daily, weekly, monthly. I just doubt you are the only one experiencing his “lust, excitement, curiosity and loyalty” (if, in fact, he is a verifiable soc). Because of their nature, love, respect, honor and morality are just not part of the programming. Too, if he’s really a soc, you won’t know what are/were lies and what aren’t/weren’t.
Thank you for your reply, Jusagurl.
In all honesty, this is one of the first hurdles I had to leap: Find out if he cheats or not.
I don’t have much to go on. But what I know from other people’s account when they go clubbing together is that whenever he is approached by other women he’ll have a chat and a laugh with them. But as soon as they come on to him sexually or try to make out with him, he pushes them away with a look of disgust on his face.
Sure, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t cheat, but ANYONE can cheat on their partner. There are loving husbands who cheat, and Sociopaths who don’t.
A few words from him: “I don’t get why people cheat on each other. You’ve already got someone, why would you need more? Sure, there’s excitement involved, but if that’s all you’re really going for then you don’t deserve your partner. And, no, I do not cheat.”
Hi Frost,
My guy was a high functioning Soc & insisted he did’t cheat ever!!!
I would still be with him if not for the OW who alerted me.
My Soc gave her the same lines etc…he accused me of cheating as they always accuse you of doing what they do themselves. He is playing with you & if he is a true Soc, has totally convinced you he is a ‘good person’ who would never hurt you. He is gaming you big time & I hope you eventually see through it?
I wish you all the best as you are in for quite a ride when the masks really comes off. Good Luck Frost, I truly mean that.
Look for truth & proof & if you have already been acting like a detective then, that’s the biggest ‘red flag’ & you should run!
By the way, I was with him for 10 years & the OW over 3 & neither of us knew about each other or others. The OW a Dr of Sociology decided to stay on even after she had all the proof so, some women stay out of dependency & insecurity but, infidelity is my deal breaker but, it wasn’t hers. That gave him full control, keeping someone that would put up with the ultimate betrayal is total domination & control…the Soc get’s that & it’s ‘game on’….God help her!
Be safe Frost 🙂
Love & Light,
PR xoxo
So, if his “clubbing friends” tell you he is disgusted with these flirts, and the soc says to you..”And no, I do not cheat.” I guess that settles it.
Yeah. Well, he’d hardly contradict what he knows you need to hear. And even fools, carpetbaggers and thieves need a place to land. Read what Positiva says about loyalty. The cost is really all yours since you’re with someone abnormal.
He also won’t ruin you (to your face), but he might tell me (his girlfriend) how you don’t have a traditional understanding, how he wants something more, and that you were an escort who won’t drive herself. He might also cook food you bought at my house, take me out in your jeep, fix my closet instead of your door, etc.
@ Frost – I’m sorry to say, that’s what mine said to me, too. All while chatting with other women online, and “dating” someone else behind my back (whom he incidentally married 13 weeks after breaking up with me, telling me he didn’t want to be with anyone. We had been together for the better part of a year, and he had asked me to move in with him while he was seeing her). I don’t know how mine ever would have found the time to be with anyone else, but not only did he, but they obviously were planning on getting married at the same time.
They play you with tales of their high standards of morality because it’s what you want to hear. I know I really wanted to believe it.
Mine dressed up like a freaking hooker for Christmas Eve Mass in 2012. Nothing wrong with being unique……but ….its like come on..for real?
@FROST
My SOC said to me shortly after we met, “It’s so silly than women ask men they meet if they are honest?” “A liar is a liar so of course a man will say yes, we are honest, because that’s what you want to hear.”
My SOC also told me what I wanted to hear. He was 41 when we met and he had a storied past of sooo many failed relationships. He said he got tired of the games, he’s been with all the women and cheated as any guy would – but he is ready to settle down now. His exact words were: “Like Naomi I am looking for my Moab” (a famous love story from the bible) I was a practicing christian at the time and he was not.
He offered up information on past relationships and said he couldn’t understand why his friends wouldn’t settle down. He used words like: feeling safe with me, my parents raised me well, sweet, ride or die chick etc. He would call on vacations to Jamaica where he was born and say how his old buddies try to get him to go clubbing with girls, but he would never do that when he has his woman in the US.
LISTEN TO ME PLEASE: It was all lies….omg…all lies. He had three full-fledged relationships with women in Jamaica, each one thought they were the only one. He had another relationship with a woman in NY, in Florida, in North Carolina plus, he was on dating sites with a profile saying he is looking for his “Ride or die girl” one he could settle down with. He had legal pad with two pages filled with profile names and contact numbers.
When I confronted him, he turned it all on me. I was the worst liar and cheater he said. He cursed me out so bad and not once did he apologize. Even when I had proof! You can listen to us or you can learn. He told the women he was in a relationship with the same things he told me. And every last one of us was helping him financially and with our time on his business endeavors and personal needs. And by the way, this was a functioning professional in a high-powered white-collar job. Not a penny was ever returned. Pleaaaassssse do not trust a thing they say. Plleeeaaase. I spent three years, do not waste yours.
Mine said to me, in the very beginning….
‘a man will tell you whatever they want you to hear’…. these are the words he said before he realised he was a sociopath.
After he realised he was a sociopath (and he knew that I knew) he would say….
‘I can be anything and anyone that I want to be, you know this’…..
Hi Jusa 🙂
Happy New Year & many blessings coming your way 🙂
I sent you an email 🙂
Love PR xoxo
@Frost 🙂
The Soc’s only loyalty is to himself & he will remain with you for years if you supply his needs. He will have others & never tell you the truth, his version of anything will be ‘sanitised’ in his favor. The Soc is very good at playing his role & if you are now feeling pity fir him, then he has got you right where he wants you. The ‘ pity play’ is just another ruse to keep his source of supply ( you) so , he will dupe you more now. Never believe a word he says as his version of the truth, will be a lie.
I wish you luck & hope you see the light before the ruining & final discard occur. It can take years but, one things for sure, he calls the shots, not you:-(
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. Lust is not love, excitement means game, curiosity means he’s seeing how much you take & loyalty means nothing, out of sight, out of mind ( literally).
Thank you very much for your reply, Pheonix.
A question from him: “I find it strange, why do you call Sociopaths Soc’s on these blogs? Is it because you can’t be arsed to type the whole word, or do you think that we’re not worthy of being written out fully?”
Anyway, regarding your reply. I questioned his loyalty when I found out he was a Sociopath. When I wanted to know why he chose me, even though he could basically do whatever he wanted and live hi life rule-free. He said “Existence with nothing to strive for is no existence at all. You can float around and ripping things apart wherever you go, or you can try to build a place to call home. It’s similar to kings, some are creators and most of the others are destroyers.”
When it comes to pity, I pity the Sociopaths because they’ll never truly feel what it’s like to care. That doesn’t mean that I’ll dull my mind to him, I’m still skeptical on his behaviour.
You immediately assume that he’ll ruin me just because he’s a Sociopath. Not every storm destroys houses. There are Sociopaths who have happy families and die without anyone ever knowing what they are.
P.S. Love is overrated, 50% of marriages founded on love ends in divorce, while those built on mutual loyalty only have a 25-30% divorce rate. Tell me again how loyalty means nothing.
Sociopaths can be very ‘loyal’ in terms that you have to be totally loyal to them and they have a sense of ownership over you.
With regard to the ruining. It is what they are capable of. They have no conscience, so therefore, as long as they are getting what they want, they are sweet as pie. As soon as they feel that they are losing control, (of you) they lose control. And when they lose control, ANYTHING can happen. They will fukc you over – deliberately to hurt you. To punish you.
Sociopaths DO ruin things, they can’t help it… it repeats over and over again. If it didn’t and if the pattern wasn’t identical, sites like this simply wouldn’t survive, they do, because I can write about other peoples partners who were also sociopaths. Not only did he repeat the same behaviour over and over again….. he did the same behaviour that other socio’s repeat too….
They have their own sense of love, but it is around their own needs. As long as their needs are met….
No not all cheat. But they find it impossible to be on their own, so even if they didn’t cheat, when they sensed the source of supply with you was about to be over – they would be off with someone else….. without a thought about you, while you are still ‘in love’ and you wonder how could you do that? You said you were in love with me. Then you see the particular brand of ‘love’ that you get with a sociopath. They do not tolerate boredom too well…. hate to lose control…. and they are opportunists who do not think particularly about long term plans…. neither do they learn from past mistakes so they repeat the same thing over….
Insanity – repeating the same thing over and expecting different results.
As for sociopaths being referred to as soc’s…. I would think i is a more polite word than other words that could possibly be used!! 🙂
There lies your problem, loyalty means nothing to a soc. he is only loyal to himself (or herself). If u want to live a life without love, that is your choice. To me it says that you don’t have love for yourself, but I am not a professional, so who knows. But to me that is sad. Why would you want to live without reciprocated love?
If there are sociopaths that die without anyone knowing of their existence, how do you know? Yet there is much proof of a heap of destruction that they do cause for those that are real.
There is one sociopath that blogs on here that has a limited loyalty to his friends but admits that if they back stabbed him in anyway he would turn on them without a second thought.
Good luck with your sociopath. Sounds like a real catch. 😉
Hi Frost,
I can’t be arsed so, Soc is it 😉
I dont think there are any stats on Soc’s living happily ever after but, who knows. I do know from personal experience that my Soc was married for 25 yrs & to my knowledge has never divorced? He still controls her via his adult son & daughter whi sabotage any romance she has at his bidding. The OW & I were under the impression he was loyal/faithful to us but, the proof & truth came out.
This is just my personal take on my experience & I have seen true loyalty & it does exist but, not in regard to a Soc, they are loyal to the source of supply as long as they find it useful otherwise it’s cut off. My Soc has a loyal band if followers & enablers but, if they knew the real him, they would not be. The Soc lies & manipulates everyone as we are all fair game to him. I hope for your sake, you can ‘hold your own’ & i truly would hate to see you lose years of your life like i did for nothing.
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S Frost, he has so much control over you that he asks us questions via you! Thats full on gaming & ruining because, he has you do his bidding even though you know he!s a sociopath. Thats what they love, control & youv’e fallen for it 😦
I think they just like the ‘attention’ and to think that they are ‘special’… 🙂
Frost, if your soc boyfriend is so eager to educate and enlighten us on the mysterious ways of “his kind” why doesnt he just log in himself and do a question and answer session with us? I get the feeling it’s an ego trip with him, a source of supply if you will. All the ladies eager to know what’s going on in his mysterious, brilliant yet sadistic mind. But then one really never knows who one is communicating with on these forums do we?
HI FROST,
I do want to you know that “rule free existence” is what my ex-SOC seeks in me. She is constantly trying to come up with a loop-hole through texs with which to ensnare me into being under her spell again. Last week, after a brief chance encounter at a Christmas party, she showed up at my doorstep with Christmas cookies , dressed like an Elf, and performed a sex act on me and begged me to go to wedding/party with her. Against my better judgement I agreed. This is after 3 solid months of No-Contact. I knew there would be a lot of fun people I knew there who I’m quite fond of whom I had met during the course of my troubled 1 year relationship with her.
Loyalty: She was “all about me” in my apartment, but naturally it became “all about her” at the party. She is charming (even endearing), strikingly attractive and sexy…the kind of woman that can go anywhere and garnish male (and admiring female) attention wherever she goes.
Of course the next few days I heard nothing and she went off the radar. I kind of didn’t give a shit because I knew what she is about. But trust me, if you ever ditch this SOC, please maintain no-contact, because I’ve had 3 sleepless nights since that night out with asshole.
She said and did some heartless things to me during the course of the night that have lived rent free for 2 or four nights now.
That’s what they do. They screw you in the end. And the very much enjoy the profits of your self-esteem loss they caused
@FROST and @POSITIVAGIRL
I heard my SOC on the phone with his best friend once saying how much he hates women who are weak. Weak women, like I had been, will dismiss his abuse or disrespect or lies when it first happens (and it will) and hope he will change. You are skeptical and may even put your foot down, but you won’t leave … you will tolerate for a moment and will show him that you are not like the other women he was with who couldn’t be patient with him or try to understand. You will show him that you are not a woman who would cheat either – like the ones from his past. You will also believe him when he tells you what you want to hear.
My SOC, knew he was one because he told me someone called him a SOC. BTW that was when I decided to look up the meaning and found this site. When I confronted him about his cheating he said one thing he can tell me is that he is loyal to the end. He won’t leave you that’s for sure. Loyalty to SOC means: “As long as you continue to serve ‘some’ need of mine, I will remain – but I will also be loyal to the other women who are serving my other needs.
He was even bold enough, when we were coming to an end, to tell me he used to send lewd text messages to an ex with whom he had had some razy sex-capades. His comment was: “Wow I was impressed, her new man must be something cause she stop replying to my texts” “Hmmh can’t believe [ex’s name] is dissing me now – I actually respect her though, she changed.”
Two years into the relationship after I’d tolerated him, my SOC asked “Why do you stay with me?” I said oh because underneath I know you are a good guy. Sheesh … the things we do to ourselves. He must have laughed to himself with that reply.
“Loyalty”, in the soc mind, means he came back (after you enabled him). Their thinking is you should be grateful, regardless of the terms. This means no real understanding of a loyalty that includes faithfulness, reciprocation, admissions of guilt , etc.
@PR
Well said PR! Thank You for your Christmas greetings and wishes and I wish you too and everyone here Happy New Year, full of health and happiness, which I am sure it will be good and better year than the previous one for all of us! We are free from our ex spath and we are generally spath aware now. I remember I had sociology and psychology at school, but all they were teaching us was some garbage instead of these insights. These kind of things should be taught at school. But that is our system generally, people are not taught the right things.
Hi Caerra 🙂
So true & part of the problem is that society fails to recognise just how much Sociopathy is damaging the world over. Hitler was a classic example of a Sociopath & his power. How many more people will suffer while Sociopaths exist undetected among us. They have been around since time began & I think the reality of them would literally ‘blow our minds’.
Still, thanks to Pos & others, the awakening has truly begun & the internet allows us global awakening & support so, we can make a difference & I believe we will 🙂
Keep the faith & remain Soc free forever.
My wish for the world is Peace & Love….something the Soc’s cannot supply.
Love & Light 🙂
Knowledge is Power so, we must keep sharing & supporting as, it’s starting to make a huge difference & saving a lot of people from the darkness 🙂
PR xoxo
What makes you think he is a sociopath?
@frost, if he is a sociopath, you can believe nothing he says. They have no compassion, no empathy, no remorse or guilt. They do not love. Try and imagine what life would be without that. it shapes who we are and how we behave and give us morals. our care of other people and having empathy of what horrors can happen, help define us and bring us compassion. They DO NOT HAVE THIS. Lying is nothing to them. If he is a soc, He does not care about you or your feelings because he can not. I have not heard of a single one that does not cheat as they don’t see it like we Do. And yes, normal men and women can cheat as well. But they will feel remorse and guilt for what they have done. A soc will not. The question becomes, why would u stay with someone who will never love you? Who will drop you with no remorse the minute he gets bored enough? If he is a soc, he only cares about you as a possession, a favourite toy and trust me, if he is a soc, the moment he finds a shiner toy, you will be discarded like you were nothing. He will put into you some care, like a kid with a toy that needs to be up kept to keep it shiny, but for how long?
I believe many of us have ended up here because we did not love or trust or respect ourselves enough. You are worthy of real love, we all are. A sociopath is not worthy of our love.
Good luck. I hope you chose the right path.
They are not worthy of our love because a sociopath can not love in return, nor respect nor care. They only think of themselves and what is good for them.
Hi It Is Done,
I know it’s going to be a great year & life. If we can endure what we have then anything else is ‘a walk in the park’ LOL
I am determined to create a great life & everyday I am doing affirmations & making my thoughts positive. It’s hard but, it does work as long as you practice it 🙂
Life will still have it’s struggles but, the awakening & awareness has been amazing. The Soc makes us take stock & look deep within ourselves so, they help us achieve our inner power & access it for ourselves, not anyone else 🙂
We are free, free at last & nothing, not even death can stop us because, we are earth angels & we have earned our wings well & truly 🙂
Be Happy It Is Done 🙂
If you ever doubt yourself, look within & find that resilience & strength that has kept you going all along.
Remember, you are not alone & I am walking right beside you everyday, you cannot see me physically but, I am here 🙂
Love & Light Always 🙂
PR xoxo
Well said It Is Done 🙂
Happy, Happier 2014 & beyond 🙂
Yes, once a new target becomes more attractive it will be off with the old & on with the new & around it goes.
I would never knowingly stay with a Soc & still don’t get those that do when they say they know? Does my head in to think someone would volunteer to be in a relationship with one.
We did the best we could with what we had to deal with & had we had all the truth & facts, we would have opted out for sure.
I hope we all stay Soc free & I wish you love, health & abundant blessings 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi PR, happy new year to you too gorgeous. New beginnings for us all. 😄. I’m really looking forward to this year and the joys it will bring for us all. New adventures a head. A new life.
Peace x
That’s beautiful, thanks PR. Right back at ya!
For me I’ve learnt so much. I’ve certainly learnt to trust myself beyond all else. And I’ve learnt boundaries and im learning that i am worthy. I’m still learning how to express myself to those I love.
Going back home to tassie over Christmas was an eye opener and has shown me I still have some way to go. Within 5 days I was feeling like a failure and worthless. No wonder I let the ex treat me like he did. It was like coming home. I even said that to him the first time we got back together. Ha! I forgot how toxic home was.
But after a few days back home in Sydney I can look at it and it has actually helped me even more in my healing. I am now starting to get my shit together to get a job and no longer need the validation like I used to and I think about him and us differently.
Onward and upward!
P.s. how is ur daughter?
@it is done, my daughter is good & got all clear today to resume driving & working so definately onwards & upwards not sideways into concrete walls! All good here bella, lifes never dull but, we have come so far & we will get to destination happiness for sure 🙂
Keep the faith & keep doing your best as only you can do 🙂 P R xoxo
So pleased to hear that your daughter is doing well PR… that is indeed good news!!
You know I said that I went to hospital with my heart, I seriously thought i was having a heart attack…. I felt so stupid when I realised it was a panic attack… now I know that severe panic attacks feel like heart attacks.
After reading Thomas’s book, I don’t think gender or sexuality is relevant (to her atleast) I believe Richard Speck stated to the interrogating officer who finally busted him, “I ain’t man, and I ain’t woman. I just do what I do.”
I admit I like her twitter updates…. a favourite was…
The sociopath is the salesman…. without a product 🙂
@PR, that is such good news! So relieved and happy for you and your daughter. xx So a great New Year ahead for us both. Brilliant. Xx
Hi Pos, happy new year to u too! How is ur book coming along? How are you going? Xx
Hey It is done. I am ok. Its a tough time of the year for me, as I am coming up to anniversary of my daughters death, so the PTSD kicked in hard. Panic attacks etc… wish I could wake and it be February!! …. apart from that i am doing ok.
Have you had any news yet? I am unsure how many weeks have passed? It might be too early? Are you doing ok?
Happy New Year to you!! 🙂
Hi pos,
I’m sorry to hear that. My birthday and Christmas with my toxic family were a tough time for me. Add on to that my negative pregnancy results and I definitely regressed a lot. So I have some understanding of what your saying… but not to your level. You have shown what a strong beautiful woman you are, so with a bit of time, (especially once February is over) you will be back to your self again. Within 5 days of returning home, I’m feeling a step ahead (albeit a small one) of where I was in healing before I spent Christmas with my family. So hopefully u will be the same… Once Feb had passed you’ll be even further in your recovery. Thoughts are with you xx
Aww I am so disappointed for you 😦 I was really hoping to hear positive results. Are you able to try again? I really hope so, that must have impacted you if Christmas was not too hot either.
Sending you a huge hug, you sound like you need one – what i hate is how much of our time that they waste -and for a woman, it is time that we really do not have. I really can relate x
Thanks Pos, yes I think it made Christmas harder. My whole family ,except my sister, are dead against me doing this on my own and have told me blatantly that they are not there for me.
I have many back up plans.., i still have five frozen embryos plus im now on traditional chinese medicine for aged fertility treatment, so ill also do one more round of IVF and then I go into plan C. Many years ahead before I give up even though I’m 42 now I’m vet fit and healthy so there is still some hope.
I know you can relate. And appreciate your support and lovely good thoughts as I have for you through the next month xx
It’s well past my bedtime so night, sweet dreams xx
Goodnight and sleep well…. and as for your family being against you, this is probably fear based. I am sure that if you get a positive that they will be delighted and 100% behind you (one would hope)….. they probably fear you going through more pain…. i might be wrong, but this is what sprung to mind for me. Sleep well x
I believe M.E. is a woman? She is a sociopath, so of course she is telling the truth. 😉
It’s your choice to believe as you please. I really hope your soc is the exception to the rule for your sake. I however don’t believe that with them there is an exception to the rule. If they have no empathy, then they don’t understand your feelings and never will be able too. If u really think about what that means (put yourself in their shoes -which they never can do in return) they do not feel like we do. They have no compassion or real love. They dont care about anyone but themselves. how can they? by definition, they have no empathy. if yours does,, then he is not a sociopath. Go on sociopathworld.com by M.E. it shows u how uncaring and selfish they are. They are like children.
These are my thoughts. Again, I’m not a professional. I wish u luck.
Well said sweetfreedom!
@ Sweetfreedom 🙂
My thoughts exactly as Soc’ s pretend to be victim etc..,time will tell & they always show themselves ( lol)
I would never speak for a Soc & never come to a site like this tobdefend one or validate anything they do!
Love & Light to you Sweet & HNY 🙂
PR xoxo
@It is done. Love lasts less long than loyalty, as is proven by 50% of marriages based on love failing. I am aware of what I can expect, I’m not simply a sheep to be used. That’s why I am already aware that he is a Sociopath after a mere six months of relationship, where most people only find out after years.
It’s common knowledge that 1/25 people is sociopathic. The average person knows about… let’s say 250 people. That would make for 10 Sociopaths (positive and negative fluctuations not included) Wouldn’t the fact that you only know of one in your life so far mean that there would be 9 of who you have no idea what they truly are. Is that not enough proof that there are enough Sociopaths who live their lives non-destructive?
Another Sociopath on this blog? I’d love to compare notes with him/her.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, as i am a strong advocate of not doing personal attacks, but I am going to write what my thoughts are. Excuse me, if i am being paranoid. I just understand sociopathic behaviour too well (yes there are different types) i have dated different types, but their pattern is always the same.
I am wondering are you a sociopath ? There are a couple of sociopaths who have posted here (JK off the top of my head) although he hasn’t posted for a while.
I don’t mind those personally – its the ones that pose as ‘victims’ that I do oppose to. As they are the ones who can cause problems for this site.
Love is everything. Real loyalty stems from love and trust.The honeymoon does fade, then love becomes something deeper but not as intense. At times it fades further and if you don’t work at it together, it will die. This is where so many go wrong. They don’t work at it at all or together. Without love and trust, loyalty has no depth and can easily be transferred – ask any brand manager. Sociopaths lie – there is no trust for someone who lies. Sociopaths can’t love – they have no empathy. So how long will the loyalty last? Without these deep roots to keep them attached? Right up until they find a shiny new toy. Or till they think the old one is broken.
My ex soc thought I was everything he ever wanted. After about 8 months he realised I wasn’t perfect, things went downhill from there until we broke up at 12 months. Five weeks later without him finding anyone as good to replace me, he came back. To four and a half months later realising that he still couldn’t completely control me, or get my money and that i wanted respect, love and give in return for all the love and give i gave him, then he started looking for my replacement. Which he did 2 months later.
That’s loyalty?
As long as he thought I was not “broken” he was loyal, but as soon as I did things (small things) that weren’t perfect in his eyes (as small as not cleaning up his dogs poo from the back yard or forgetting to water the plants, or not going for a run with him in the morning because I was tired because of the hormones from IVF) his “loyalty” was broken. But I’m sure that was my fault for being so lazy right?
P.s. funny u use the term “sheep” that’s a favourite derogatory term sociopaths use on sociopathworld for empaths.
The truth is blaze, that you will never understand what true love and loyalty is. I feel very sad and sorry for you and your kind. However, your abuse of people for your own gain (which you may not realise is abuse because of your complete lack of empathy/understanding) makes it impossible for people to stay with you. Those that do, you will break to a point you will not want them because they are broken. Without realising that it was u who broke them. I don’t want your type of loyalty. I want love. That is what makes us human. That is what makes life worthwhile. Without love there is nothing but emptiness.
@frost. I have to ask, are you a Sociopath?
If not, I apologise. There are so many alarming things you are typing.
A good question. I think Frost maybe… Sorry if ur not. But you do sound like one.
@ Ex def an S
I am not a Sociopath, my boyfriend, however, is one.
You should have a conversation with him, you sound a lot a like. I can’t remember his stage name. Ill look it up tomorrow as its 1am in the morning here and I have to get up in 6 hours.
Before my ex discarded me, I had no idea that this disorder was so prevelant or really, what it was. Like most I thought of dexter or serial killers. Now I’m aware, I know a number of people that were in my life that I now suspect. There were 2 that I worked with. One in my family, a previous boyfriend (although he was mist likely a narcissist, not a soc) Luckily for me, I started removing toxic people from my life a few years ago. I have also spoken to many people about my experience, its amazing how many stories im getting bsck the same! Since your such a numbers man/woman, you would know about clusters and variables. I associate with people that are in charities, have good will and care about other people. My cluster would be less soc intense. Sometimes one slips through. Now I’m aware, very few will slip through.
That must be frightening for soc’s as awareness is growing, it’s harder for them to hide. I personally believe, that only those with low self esteem, or self worth would want to stay in a relationship with one. There maybe some that stay out if pity, but for how long till they crave for someone to love them? To give to them? Rather than them giving everything with little in return.?
But each to there own.
Night.
@PosG and PR. Shit. this hurts. I’m in pain. I took a fall
Venus: Supreme Assassin
She stripped her clothes and pleasured me with
warmth & Christmas tidings the day after Christmas.
She said she found these left-over baked goods she had made and thought I should have them.
She found them like a killer finds an improvised murder weapon during a home intrusion.
And brought them to me. wrapped in torn foil.
By the end of the night I propped up the tribe of snow man cookies she left behind thinking maybe they would comfort me.
I cried as they laughed at me.
It was all just an empty delayed holiday joke that gripped me back into all the panic I felt before.
I could not travel down the River of No-Feeling that night when it hit me.
It was too late.
I was dead in the water again.
I drown.
Beautiful words Broken!! …. does this mean that you saw her the day after Christmas?
Yes. She wore me down with texs…I went to party. SHe was the same self-centered asshole she always is. I went home thinking just that. The cost..3 sleepless nights. I’m a dumb ass, but atleast I know what to do.
@ sweetfreedom
I’ve taken your advice, I am the sociopathic partner of Frost. We’ll just use Frost and Blaze as a means to separate the two of us to prevent further confusion.
I have tried to convey the reasons of a Sociopath on other blogs, it was more than often not received well. Maybe they were too close-minded to give a damn, maybe I was being tactless. I don’t know. I hoped that having Frost filter what I want to say would help people to at the very least try to understand.
I’m not here to teach you on our “mysterious” ways, but on our motives and reasons.
You want a Q&A on what we think and do? You got one. Ask away.
Ugh the narcissistic mind of the socio…. why would I want you to explain the sociopathic mind?
I don’t want you here playing your games. Try sociopath world!! 🙂
No thanks Blaze, you and Frost sound too much alike, I’m not quite sure you are separate people.
Ditto……
@ positivagirl
Victims of Sociopaths often go to those forums telling us what shitty people we are, but when one of us comes here waving a white flag of parley, then it’s shoot on sight? Hypocrisy, if nothing else.
I’m not here to play games, I’m here to help others. If you don’t want to read what I have to say, then just ignore it.
???? its you who is shooting on sight?
I have already said that sociopaths have posted here. One was a regular poster.
I am telling you that I can’t ignore what you write, this is my website. I write all the articles here. I don’t need you to explain the sociopathic mind to me. You can go to sociopath world for that. This site is for support for victims.
@blaze
I’m not speaking for Pos here but from my point of view… There have been many sociopaths on here over the 10 months it’s been up. They are allowed on here and I personally like occasionally hearing their point of view and we have conversations with them. But like on YOUR blogs, there are many on here that dislike your kind and will voice that. On sociopath world, I have read all sorts of demeaning and contemtuous comments from sociopaths to empathy commentators. Therefore, you are the one here being hypocritical.
I think the issue was you pretending (lying ) to be someone else. Sociopaths speak differently to empaths. You can’t hide from us now we know who you are.
Unfortunately, I’m going to sleep now otherwise I may have continued. Night
No. I don’t think any of us want to be part of your game.
@Blaze. Closed minded? Probably not. They are just very weary of Sociopaths because they have been hurt. I, for one, have been emotionally, financially and psycologically abused by one therefore I take cautions to protect myself.
Well said Ex.
@Frost. You say that you have been in the relationship for 6 months. I hope that, for your sake, once the “honeymoon period” is over, that you don’t discover how manipulative and exhausting a relationship with a Spath is.
@it is done. Are you looking at being a single mum?
My Sociopath wasted my “good years” with promises of children. I am only in my early 30s now but have a back up plan of being a mum by myself. I just don’t know if I have the trust and confidence to have another relationship again after the Sociopath relationship.
Hi ex, its 2am in the morning in oz and ive got to get up to swim with my triathilon group in five hours so if im sorry if I’m short in answer.
Being a mum is the most important thing in the world to me. I am now doing it on my own 6 months after discard (started 3 months ago). Nothing will stop me. I am 42. I’ll send Pos an email to send on to you with the full story and if u have questions, I’m happy to help. My best advice is dint leave it too late. I’m so scared that I have. X
@Frost, I trembled when I read your post. If you are not a sociopath you are playing your boyfriend game. I hope real, reciprocal love find you. Nobody deserves to be treated as a thing.
Yes I agree they are all the same. I dated 3 in a row (!) and the most recent one got (or acted) really mad when I would compare his behavior to the other two! He would say to stop comparing him to my exes and I would say, “A liar is a liar.” The 2nd & 3rd one tried to mirror me after I told them about my lying violent ex & they both insisted that they ‘never’ lie and never are violent then would proceed to tell several lies that uncovered at a later time & the 3rd one even broke my finger during a confrontation where he was ‘cornered’ and had no logical way out of the argument.
@BLAZE,
You folks and your “thinking” aren’t really that hard to understand once one gets passed the denial of putting up with it for so long. Again, there is no mystery. The hurdle for me was one of spiritual dissonance. I had to reach out way beyond my normal realm of understanding how people ticked to understand the pathology of the Soc I dated. SO, in th eend the hurdle wasn’t just logic, it was understanding what had happened on a spiritual level. The logic wasn’t hard because I was doing it all along (I broke up with her 4 times in one year). My denial (and her seduction: via sex..pity…whatever) is what kept me allowing her back into my life. To begin breaking free I had to go out passed my comfort zone. Listening to logic didn’t work. She liked to play dumb, but was of superior intelligence when it came to manipulation. Trying to shut down my libido didn’t work, cuz she is extremely seductive. Shutting down my emotions didn’t work because my emotions were all fk’d up and “confused.” I had to (and still am) look passed those things to understand her on a primal level, because her pathology was not that of a normal (or abnormal) caring adult. I had to accept her pathology as a reality that exists. I’ve been burned by woman…I’m 51 yrs. old…how couldn’t I have been by now. This woman was something much different though….a negative drain on me spiritually from the get go. She was impulsive, heartless (but always talked her way out of it when I’d call her on it), and while able to maintain a “glowing persona” to the outer world, has a history of emotionally maiming those closest to her in her life (her kids, her mother, her ex husband), and maintaining a parasitic existence. The difference between her and other woman I’ve dated is this: She acts on my life to gain leverage to f’k me up at a later date. She views my kind nature as a weakness..not an asset. The other women I’ve dated, regardless of some bad break-ups, have acted on my life for reasons of emotional & physical fulfillment.
I’ve seen malevolent looks from women after they say and do hurtful things during those last few brutal months of a harsh breakup. The look I got from her, however, after she made one of her “asshole comments” was that of an animal. She had just wounded me. I was her prey.
Normal People don’t like that shit.
I do understand the way you think BLAST. If you adopt a lifestyle based on a costs/risks model, and finally determine its in your best interest to “do the right thing” because life is “better” (less being thrown-out of live-in arrangements….arrests..etc). This is the outcome-based moral world you could embrace and flourish in as a productive citizen.
Both M. E. Thomas (The famous Soc author, and Robert Hare (The guy who came up with the screening index for Sociopaths) kind of agree on this philosophy.
Most people do not wish to walk through a den of lions and try to tame them while they are only trying to traverse through inter-personal relations. Check out Thomas and Hare. I’ve learned a lot from them on the subject. I’d rather not experience the interpersonal cancer of learning it the hard way through a soc however.
@Larry Angeline
After reading Thomas’s book, I don’t think gender or sexuality is relevant (to her atleast) I believe Richard Speck stated to the interrogating officer who finally busted him, “I ain’t man, and I ain’t woman. I just do what I do.”
That’s interesting. My soc was rather androgynous also, and nearly said the same thing. He said, he wasn’t like other men, that he also had feminine traits and didn’t care what people thought about it. I always felt his dress bordered on gay, though it was disguised as stylish and, amazingly, that’s how most women seemed to take it. Maybe I have too many masculine traits to share the view. ha ha ha
“His comment was: “Wow I was impressed, her new man must be something cause she stop replying to my texts” “Hmmh can’t believe [ex’s name] is dissing me now – I actually respect her though, she changed.”
Two years into the relationship after I’d tolerated him, my SOC asked “Why do you stay with me?” I said oh because underneath I know you are a good guy. Sheesh … the things we do to ourselves. He must have laughed to himself with that reply.”
————————-
Soc’s remind me of that old Rodney Dangerfield quote, “I wouldn’t want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member.” They know what they are so, I guess if we seem to be trying to accept and love them, WE must be nuts, even to them. ha ha
Yep and they do genuinely believe that everyone is capable of what they are doing and thinking. So they live in a world of constant paranoia.
That’s interesting too… so, when they accuse you of cheating, it’s not a mind trick, they really think you’d think like them.
I remember my ex-soc trying to figure out who this guy who drove me over to his and his father’s house was when he got my car impounded. He called him a “fruit loop” (meaning, gay). I told him he wasn’t gay, but had a girlfriend. He replied, “That doesn’t mean anything.” (To him, maybe.)
Later, when the guy and my relationship to him came up again, the ex-soc tried to pretend he had proven we’d been together and told me we were through. I just called him out on his lack of logic and finger pointing. He eventually let it drop.
Funny though that he never considered I had any connections in my new city until he put the screws to me and I asked friends for help. He thought I was lying about being over at friends’ houses, hanging out, having lunch, etc. Probably because, for him, they would’ve been lies.
@Blaze & Frost?
‘Bugger Off’
We dont need your help or guidance & we dont need to validate Frost’s acceptance & pity play.
Thanks but, No Contact….Frost will soon melt away completely if Blaze is around. Interesting names, Frost alludes to Frozen heart & Blaze a roaring fire, all smoke up the Soc arse!
Love & Light to you both 😉
PR xoxo
@PR, thank you! Well said. We all know when we read those cold and frozen words, that one of the Pinochio clan have come aboard.
@PR
Yeah they sound like sociopathic attention seekers. Frost and Blaze 🙂 Ridiculous and tragic in the same time!
@ It Is Done,
Yes, soon as I saw the name, alarm bells rang 😦
Anyway, it’s not our problem so, we will move on & Frosty & Blaze can play elsewhere. If Frost truly exists then OMG I hope she realises loyalty means just being kept on a leash & it can last a lifetime for some. The Soc hates losing a supply source, I can prove that!
Just stay on your path It Is Done & now you are free to really concentrate on creating a new life ( literally).
I lost a very great friend to cancer this year, really tragic but, 21 years ago she fell pregnant after a ‘red wine’ encounter 😉 She had just ended a 10 year relationship & her one night stand gave her the opportunity to have a much wanted chance to be a Mum.
We met at ante- natal classes & bonded immediately 🙂
Her daughter was her greatest gift & what a divine child/ young woman she is. My girlfriend is in heaven now & watches over us 🙂
My daughters first name & middle name & last spell my friends name ( Deb) & my girlfriends first, middle & last, spell my daughters name ( Dan) short version. We always thought that was spooky as it wasnt intended. We also found out we were related by marriage! My daughter said, after her recent accident that Deb was with her 🙂 we love each others daughters so, that is probably true 🙂
It Is Done, anything is possible & I feel very positive that you will be a Mum, one way or another so, keep believing in miracles, I have seen them work 🙂
PR xxx
Thanks PR, I won’t give up for a long time yet. Now looking at getting my Dutch passport (dad is Dutch) so I have even more options. As you know, in Oz, donor eggs and embryos can only be gotten if you know the person who is willing to donate.
It seems in regards to frost/blaze they/he have run away. Shame. I know it upsets some people but I do find it interesting. I guess we didn’t give the poor thing the admiration he needs. 😉
@PR
Happy New Year, doll. 😉 Glad to hear your daughter is doing better too. Hope you are well.
Frost sounds like a sociopathic username 😉 It reminds me of the movie Mr.Frost. But, there are so many people who are not ready to accept the truth about sociopaths, they defend the crumbs of so called ‘special love’ and so called ‘loyalty’ that the Soc gives them. Sometimes, when the Soc is a close family member it is even harder than when it is a love partner. It is not easy to ‘give up’ on sociopathic family member, but they are so manipulative and sick it makes any communication impossible… uuuh 😦
@positivagirl
“The sociopath is the salesman…. without a product 🙂 ” So well said Positivagirl! 🙂
I cannot take credit. That came from ME Thomas from sociopath world twitter…
So true though 🙂
@scarlett. Spot on! My S and I had a conversation about respect as he said I didn’t give him any. Turns out we have completely different ideas and thoughts of the meaning. Mine was what the general populatoon thinks it is. Respect to him was supporting him by giving him money (which I did!) And leaving him alone and not talking to him.
@Ex def an S
Boy, this sounds familiar. It must be a soc mantra: Just give me what I want, do what I ask, and leave me alone. Accountability is not their strong suit, but applying it to you is!
Oh, and he told me a few timez that I made people feel uncomfortable about their situation. My friends and I had a good laugh at that one. Clearly he didn’t think I was uncomfortable with him asking me for money constantly. See, they always put it back onto you. Expect everything but never give anything back in return.
“And after leaving me alone, wait until I think you deserve to have a piece of me…” And then repeat the cycle.
Todau is the “Three Kings Day”, on my country is a big celebration, ! Feliz dia de reyes!
I’m glad I’m finally getting answers to my problem and realizing I’m not alone. I’m still currently in the relationship and its like waking up in hell everyday. We met when I was 16 about a month after I had been raped. We became good friends he was soo charismatic and being in such a vulnerable point in my life I fell hard. He seemed to have a lot of friends at first always had people over then maybe 6 months or so everything changed. He started picking fights about my friends and didn’t want anyone but him to have my attention. I was always the type to want to work I got my first job as soon as I could and bought him what ever I could just to see him happy. 2 years into the relationship I was still spending lots of money making him happy and the control issues got worse and verbal abuse came into play. 3 to 4 years came around and mental and physical abuse came into play and I felt trapped any time I would try to leave which was a lot he would reel me back in. Now I’m at 6 years with him I’m about to be 22 in less than a month. I had a really good job until June of this past year he was living in a shitty apartment with his dad and I felt horrible for them so I found a house in an amazing neighborhood and got it for the 3 of us well 2 months later I lost my job (note he has only had 3 jobs in his life 2 of which my mother got for him and he quit within 5 months and the other job his father got for him which he quit within 2 months.) after I lost my job he flipped and the abuse on every spectrum went to max 10. I couldnt take it anymore and gave him an ultimatum told him if i didn’t get respect I was leaving in which he told me I didn’t deserve it so a month later I left. I was gone for 3 months he wouldn’t let me take my belongings from the house he was threatening to kill himself and was actually cutting himself and sending me on average about 100 texts a day. I felt like it was all of my fault and I couldn’t stand back and let it happen even if it meant I suffered so I went back. He was so sweet for the first 2 weeks then the abuse came back and worse than before. The littlest things could set him off like me not getting what he wanted when I did groceries and getting bar stools and couches thrown at me being drug across the floor and thrown into doors and walls and him saying it isnt abuse because he didn’t break any bones. He made me feel like I was insane and beyond alone. I’ve lost contact with over half of my friends in family because of how he is. Now I’m almost to the end of my lease and I have to get out. I’m terrified that when I leave he will go crazy so I’m uprooting my life and moving all the way to the other side of the country. Its the hardest scariest thing I’ve ever went thru being in this relationship. I’m so happy that I’ve found answers here tho and know I’m not alone in this
Hi Jess, welcome to the site. I am sure that you will receive a warm welcome from everyone here. Please stay with us, I hope that we can help you to leave and get out of this relationship safely.
As he is abusive, and has the potential to be violent. Please make a safety plan to leave to get out safely. Don’t let him know that you are planning to leave as his violence will escalate when you are about to go. So do this in secret. cover your tracks. As you probably know they are able to read through anything so he will likely be suspicious, make all your plans in advance. Ensure that you separate your money, or put money into a safe account. if you are at risk, please do not stay and get out even if you have to get to a safety shelter. Never put yourself at risk. Do know (as you probably realise) that his behaviour WILL escalate when you are leaving and he will be capable of ANYTHING – without conscience this is literally everything. Warn people that you TRUST – so that they can help you. Be wary of mutual friends. Try to focus on the long term future for you. You can do this, and as much as we can, we will be there for you. Welcome to the site!!
Hi Jess,
so sorry to hear your pain. If I can add to what Pos said… When you leave, block all access to communication, even change your phone number and ask those that you tell ur new number too not to give it to him. Block email. Shut down or block him from social media – everything.
Hello,
I did a search on google for “remorse necessary for healing” in attempt to find info that I could show my husband why I cannot heal in our relationship and that search returned your site. Funny thing is that I didn’t even include sociopath in the search but he is sociopath maybe even deeper than that. He has lied to me throughout our relationship the worst of which that I know of was a 2.5 year full fledged relationship with another woman behind my back which came out back in 2008. Since then he’s tried to make it up to me but his abuse comes out in other forms now.
I’ve always known that there’s something different about him and so has everyone else but I was in love with his charming, romantic, loving side that I failed to really see anything wrong with him. My mom has expressed to me that she has had a gut instinct since the day I met him that he was going to kill me one day and has worried about it for the entire 23 years we’ve been together.
He always played very rough with our kids and would tease them in ways he thought was funny but that I could see was a bit much for them at times. I over looked it, blew it off etc.
Anyway during and after the affair came out he told so many of the most outrageous lies you can imagine one after another without even batting an eye. I mean crazy stuff like the trip he took to Jamaica with this woman he went to see a voodoo witch dr and had to climb through thick forest and cut up his hands and feet and there was a sacrifice etc., he.said he did that because I believe a voodoo curse was the problem in our relationship. Well the affair was really the first glimpse at how different he was from normal people when though he ripped my heart out he never showed an ounce of remorse.
The words of his own mother ring in my ears repeatedly over the last several years when I ran home to another state to think after the affair came out. She said “you need to leave him, Jamie is lacking something inside that all other people have and you need to leave him”. It scared me and now it scares me more.
Now our fighting has been getting more and more vicious, he says the most wretched things to me, said that me and our kids are the lemons life handed him that he made lemonade out of, he’s picked on me relentlessly for being to fat, the day after a heartbreaking miscarriage my hormones were all over the place and I was crying about the affair and he stood over me and screamed that “he’s sick of me being hung up on when he fucked Paschal” while I was still having cramps from the miscarriage on the floor crying below him.
I was going in for breast lump removal and we got into a fight the night before that and he told me to go ahead and die. He has threatened to kill me then said after he kills me he will kill my mom knowing that I’m close with her and thinking it would scare me. He has choked me numerous times during heated fights, one time as he pushed my head under water in the tub, broken so many things that I love, tells me I cheated him out of so much in life, he was supposed to travel, have women etc., recently he had me devastated when he said he’s never like making love to me because “my vagina is too huge”, one time in the car during a fight he was speeding down the highway saying he’d take us both out and don’t I want to die with him like Juliet or did I lie about that too? Just absolutely crazy stuff! Though I have stood by his side through thick and thin. Even when we were dating he broke into a very close family friend of mine’s house and robbed them, he got caught and did his time (probation cause he was a kid).
This last fight we had two days before new years he hit me in the face, granted I hit him first but he’s never done that before and he knows that I grew up in a violent home where my dad beat my mom and promised he’d never do that to me. In all the years I’ve been with him, he’s never one to apologize at least not until I do first. My heart is broken from the evil words, the hate, the violence and I can’t get an ounce of remorse out him and it is really getting to me. With true sorrow and remorse I feel I could heal and get over it but all I get is a condescending yelling at me “I’m sorry” and the next day it’s grow up and get over it!
He blames everything just about on me, every fight, every problem is my pms etc. The thing is though I’m not perfect I am easy to live with.I am a people pleaser, in fact I’m a full fledged empath! I avoid conflict as much as possible and diffuse so many situations with him without him even being aware. He even said he saw something different about me than other people and he needs my smile and happiness to feel good, says he feeds off of it and when I’m down it infuriates him and makes him horrible! Living with him is so hard my adult son who lives here for free and doesn’t have to do anything and gets along with us well had to just move out cause he can’t be around his dad anymore. I mean every moment is a challenge, dinners/holidays etc ruined over his super opinionated, domineering attitude.
The reason I stay is I love him despite all this, I’ve spent 23 years since i was 15 years old with him, we have two kids and the thing is it’s like he has this amazing side that makes you forget about the bad side. It’s like he’s two different people one minute the man of my dreams, caring, loving sensitive, super romantic and passionate and the next he’s my worst nightmare, mean, rude, opinionated, judgmental and very, very, argumentative about EVERYTHING! It’s like he lives to argue with people and it’s like his only true emotion is anger and hate!
Last night really got to me when my cousin’s husband was killed in a garage explosion and my husband was cracking up over it. He thought it was funny because they’d only been married two months, the guy cheated on my cousin and she really didn’t love him so he thought it was hilarious. He says death is funny. I’m disturbed by this kind of talk. I’m disturbed by his lack of remorse, when you hurt someone you are supposed to feel bad and he never seems to, in fact his remorse and caring side seem to get less and less the older he gets. He was way nicer when we met.
The bad part is that my older son (21) tells me he doesn’t feel anything and has very little emotions, he says he doesn’t feel anything when he hurts someone’s feelings and youngest used to be very, very sensitive and caring recently became so depressed and said that the only emotion he feels is anger and his sensitive side has seemed to disappear, he never looks happy. I mean I literally miss the person my son used to be I watched the transition nearly overnight, it was truly unreal.
I just don’t know what do. For some reason I can’t leave, he tells me that I’m the only one he can count on and I’ll be just like everyone in his life letting him down if I hurt him and I HATE letting people down!! I know I should’ve left a long time ago and I sometimes I feel so trapped I’ve even contemplated suicide. I don’t even really know what I am asking here maybe I just want someone to tell me he will change and get better. I’m not sure, I just began learning about sociopath’s and everything screams run and don’t look back but I just can’t seem to do that to him and the thought of losing him is so awful that I don’t know how I’ll make it, he’s been my best friend when we’re good we have so much fun together and he can be everything I need. Can you please give me any advice?
Hi hm thank you for sharing your story and welcome to the site. Ugh how he plays victim telling you that you can’t leave ? You know that this will not get better physical violence always gets worse it never eases or gets better. I don’t think It ever changes or gets better as they repeat patterns of behaviour even when they try they still end up doing exactly same thing. Control manipulation the lies and in your case violence. There is a post here can a sociopath Change? The best you could hope for is to love him for who he is. But is this good for you and your health? Go through the posts in archives (on left hand side) you will see he can’t Change as this is the way he is. And if he is violent I fear for your safety this will get worse not better.
You are not letting him down. He lets himself down. You need to know that he won’t change. The problem is within wiring in the brain. They think different do not have a conscience. They don’t feel guilt remorse or shame (if he says he does he is lying)
Your story frightens me. Is it fun and loving when he is choking you? when he hits you? when he attacks you? drowns you? emotionally abuses you? psychologically fucks with your head? You need to get out NOW. This is not love. This is an addiction. You love the half of him that’s not real. He has no empathy. He is dangerous. He is killing you emotionally.
Get out NOW.
You can not help him. He says that he needs you because he knows that this is what ties you too him. He does not love you. No one would treat someone they love like this.
RUN.
Well written…. sorry I was replying on my phone… thank you!!
H.M. Christi: maybe next time he says “your vagina is too huge” maybe just reply with “maybe your dick is too small” lol!!!
I found also that I couldn’t heal after betrayal in my relationship. Of course, he never helped and put it all back onto me. Bringing up everything I did wrong (btw, it was only words I spoke and never anything else) but forgetting that he did the biggest betrayal of all by lying, cheating and stealing. I never once betrayed him, I was so loyal and loving and the words I spoke was nothing compared to his actions towards me.
It is going to be hard, but you have to find a way to leave. It will take a long time to heal and try and move on from him. It isn’t easy at all. These people seem to have quite a hold on us. Allow yourself to grieve for your loss (as a break-up can be like a death) and allow yourself to make mistakes. Be gentle on yourself and surround yourself with people that love and care about you. Also what helped me was to find something you love doing or find a project you can work on, this will help you look forward to something positive. I went and started to build a house and I got a puppy. I tell you, these are the 2 things that have helped me so much. My puppy gives me the unconditional love I deserve and the house is a sign of my freedom and new life.
Research, research and research. This will give you a better understanding of Sociopath’s. Also talk on here too and get some of that anger and frustration out by talking to people that understand.
Thank you so much for the replies! I am amazed that though he knows he is a sociopath and does not deny it that he still blames me for EVERYTHING and can’t fathom that he’s being wrong and cruel to me. Our situation sounds so much like yours. I am a really sweet person though I have been angered enough and hurt enough by his words to say some really horrible things and even hit or throw things at him but it still does NOT come anywhere close to the things he’s done to me. When I re-read my post I think if I was reading that and someone else wrote it I would think what a crazy person for staying with this man. I mean it just isn’t right one time I tried to tell him about how I felt and how I’m scared of him etc. and he so mad and immediately like “well then leave cause I don’t want you around me if that’s how you feel about me” like he’s done nothing wrong! As soon as he said that I got all panicked inside and apologized. I do not know what his hold is on me, I just don’t get it. It’s like I fear him hating me,I fear what will happen if we split up,that he’ll be so mean, do and say the worst things and I won’t be able to handle it. I feel like I need him and I’ll be alone and abandoned. This is not a financial connection either, I’m not staying for money, I have my own job I could get a cheap apartment. Plus there’d be child support but I am afraid and even deeper than that. I don’t know what the hold is, how do they gain such control. I also cannot understand how when these things he’s done are laid out in front of him I’m still the horrible person and the one who is a quitter and that there’s something wrong with. I don’t understand how he can’t see how horrible these things are and that I don’t deserve it. He said the other night I deserve more.
It doesn’t amaze me that he admits he is a sociopath yet still blames you for everything. This is part of the sociopath mentality. I always said to mine when he did stuff like that, here you go again being the psycho…. They do everything to gain control. False allegations make you defend yourself rather than focusing on their misdeeds. Constant chatter or ranting wears you down. Isolation keeps you from others. Lying keeps his life private. Asking probing questions he knows all your life. He can see how he is. He just doesn’t care and thinks he is superior to anyone else. He has said one truth though ‘you deserve more’….
Hi HM
Please read as much as you can on sociopaths. The more knowledge you have the more that this will make sense. Read as many of the comments on this blog and others so that you can see that you are not alone and that his behavior is extremely destructive and wrong and identical to so many others. If he knows that he is a sociopath then this is even more dangerous and horrendous than you may realise. I’m not a professional mental health person but it appears to me that you are addicted to him. I recently read this (below) article that is not sociopath specific that may help you while you are trying to get your head around that this man does not love you, never has and never will. NOT because you are not worthy, but because he is damaged… damaged beyond any chance of changing.
http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/relationship-addiction-%E2%80%93-what-it-is-how-to-get-over-it
May i also suggest (beg) that you get proffessional help? You can get better and you certainly deserve a fulfilling loving relationship. You will not get this from him.
Peace xx
@HM, not every abuser is a sociopath, but every sociopath is an abuser. You are making your first step, trying to understand that those past 23 years were not normal, and that you want to do something. Please, keep learning, and stop the cycle. .everything will be better to you and your sons.
Hi H M 🙂
Welcome to this fantastic site 🙂
He was right, you do deserve better & mine also said that 🙂
He might make you feel worthless but, YOU ARE PRICELESS so, NEVER FORGET YOUR VALUE 🙂
Keep reading & sharing & supporting yourself & others.
Picture him in a nappy 😉 makes me laugh & suits him 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I have a question, when a boyfriend is always asking you for money, how do you stop thinking negatively about him? Always questioning what his true intentions are. I became quite angry, annoyed and frustrated as it was all the time. He never paid a cent back. Many times I put his needs before mine. He made me feel like these were not the right emotions to have.
After the relationship broke up, I had no savings and when I went for a home loan they questioned where my money was. I completely lied to the bank as I was so ashamed of what happened and also because I needed to start fresh and have something positive in my life.
That is something I have asked myself so many times while I was with my Spath and after my relationship with my Spath.
@ex def an S
Hi 🙂
Stop beating yourself up. The taking from you is part of the Spath power play & even though you had your doubts & anger etc…it is all about the injustice of being taken 😦
The spath lives to take & take & take & only ever give to get, always a payoff of some kind. Remember this isn’t personal, this is how they survive. They live to take & survive & we live to give & share & love, polar opposites really.
Take heart in knowing you gave of yourself & your money, your a good person who got duped like us all by a bad person. Think of a spath like an object, not a person as that is how they view us. If the object no longer is of value, they replace it & get a new one. We do the same with objects but, not people but, pretend he’s an object & replace him with the real deal, Yourself! Love yourself & be happy, the spath will never have whats truly valuable & every-time they hurt us, they hurt their own essence, it’s unavoidable as we are are one source. Our source transcends this existence with love & the spath will never have that & will continue to stay stuck forever. Stand tall in your truth & purpose 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Ex def….I was told by my ex soc that my job was to make HIS life better..when I was under his spell this made sense to me….now you have woken up, it wasnt your fault.
This is a thing for me today. I had to order bank statements as a company had been taking money from my account. So the statements came back to 2011. Just before I met ex. I knew he had stolen from my account. I had no idea how much. I knew he had taken 350 in two transactions. Reading through I saw another day when he took (same day) 30,30,60,190 … I felt sick. I find the sense of betrayal and how my trust was abused the worse to cope with. I stared at the statements in shock. I realised as I went back through old messages, (it was 20th Feb 2012) how he was being nice. I also realise just how nice I was at that time. He changed me for sure. I am sad that one he abused my trust. Two that he abused someone who was still so traumatised I couldn’t work out why I had no money. I know it was a long time ago. But it hurt me today learning this. In fact I felt shocked it was far worse than I ever realised 😦 so I can empathise.
Pos, I can empathize also 🙂
My ex husband was a gambler & when I discovered the magnitude of that, it almost destroyed me 😦 thousands & thousands & he made me account for every penny I spent. I found out the full details when he had been so so nice & on his best behavior, I was 7 months pregnant with my second child so, did not know what to do.
I got in my car & drove to my Granddads house, he had passed but, I still felt great solace talking to him. I was very depressed but, I sat & thought & knew I had to go home. My little girl was 4 1/2 & need me to pull it together. I went back knowing this & when I had my son, he went gambling & couldn’t pay the balance of my hospital accommodation (private hosp) so, I had to ask for help.
My Soc on the other hand, I found out recently, sold me a car & said it was a great deal etc…but, I have since discovered he ripped me off $2,000 more than I needed to pay so, that’s why I am poor ;( but, only in money, not in spirit & we will get through this. Our money is ours (little as it is) I respect it & will never waste it or give it away again to unworthy people.
We have more than money can buy, we have truth & it will set us free 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
do you know what made me feel sad today PR? If I am honest, it wasn’t just sadness. I felt numb with shock (It was on Feb 20th 2012 – Look at my facebook wall on that day) …. was that I had no idea that this was happening. On that day, I was really sad. He had taken 30,30,60,190 in one day.
What made me feel sad, was realising that no matter what had happened to me, it was the loss of innocence that I lost. My niavete, my trust. I will never be that person again. Not ever. It is gone. This – was taken from me, and it is worth more than any amount of money or cash. This is something that can never be given back. Not ever. I will never be that person again.
It made me hunt back through old messages, reading my facebook, what was going on? What was I doing? I realised that day I was at the doctor.. I must have been pretty low and down at that time. I think that must have been the day that I went back to the doctor to get another sick note to be off from work…. and he was robbing from my bank.
It is my sense of trust that was abused. I looked back and realised just how much I had changed. That – is for me, the biggest loss of all.
Hi pos, sorry you’re feeling so down today. I understand about your sense of loss of part of yourself and loss of trust. Please don’t let it get you down too much. Although a loss of innocence has occurred, there are positives with this, as there is with a child that starts to grow up and innocence is lost. You now have a deeper understanding of human nature, albeit the bad side, it will aide you further in your proffession. it will also give you better tools to protect yourself and to choose a healthy relationship in the future. How I look at this for myself is not that I can’t trust anybody, but that they need to earn my trust. I know that I am a very trust worthy person, so I know that there are others out there. My first narcissist, took my trust and lead me to ten years of bad relationships. My second one, the sociopath has taught me that I need to trust myself first. If I had done that then I would have walked after 3 months at the outer. Both of them have taught be so much about myself, that was broken within me, well them, you, this site and my counsellor. But trusting yourself is paramount. Giving your trust to just anybody is dangerous, as we all have learnt. This has made me smarter about life, people and myself. Yes there was pain and a loss of innocence, but with it I am gaining a sense of self worth and trust that is worth the pain.
I hope this makes sense.
positivagirl: That’s exactly how I am feeling too. I was so carefree and just went with the flow with everything. I have changed so much. I get stressed easily and have developed a short fuse. I also find it sad that we feel like we can never help out a partner with cash (who isn’t a Spath and would pay us back and care for us) because of our past.
ex def….I forgot another thing he said to me….”your money is my money” and then he chuckled.
@ Pos,
Ditto, ditto & I kept going back & forth but, it is shocking & I relate to your pain 😦
It’s over & cannot be undone so, don’t let this be your undoing.
You are a great trusting person & that hasn’t changed & you are still sharing so much of yourself even in your own pain.
That speaks volumes about you & is nothing to be ashamed of, we have all been taken in, abused & betrayed but, we are all here & still standing or sitting or lying down curled in a ball 😉
The thing is, you have changed & whilst something awful has caused that, something brilliant & amazing & stronger & more resilient has emerged. Like a butterfly 🙂
This is always the case if great pain & suffering have occurred & it’s the only way to our higher power. Trust this higher power to lead you through this recent discovery, go with it & remember, it says more about the Soc than it does about you 🙂
He’s a dead sh*t & inhabits hell so, rest assured, he will rot there 😉
Love Always PR xoxo
Well said PR! Very well said xx
Hey Gorgeous It Is Done 🙂
Have a great day 🙂
Love Always PR xoxo
You too lovely😃
I am not going to write a post about it – but we passed a million hits!! 🙂 In less than a year…. wow – unbelievable!
Wow. See how many people you have helped pos!!! Congratulations. Xx
And thank you from the bottom of my heart xx
As thank you always for your care support and being there for people. This site is really made beautiful by the people who post here.
Woo hoo – you should write a post – who cares!!
I’m sure as the lifetime of blog continues you will find you have helped million sas well Postivagirl:)
That is a lovely comment. Thank you broken.
Wow Wow Wow, we are not alone 🙂
Congratulations on those figures, we are awake & seeing the truth so, welcome all who come & visit, you are definately in the right place 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
If you live in Australia, there is a story on A Current Affair tonight about a lady who gave $50,000 to her boyfriend ans he lied about havong cancer. In the meantime he is taking his actual girlfriend on holidays. Will be an interesting story to watch.
Did anybody in Australia see that story on A Current Affair about the lady who was conned into giving her boyfriend $50,000 and she was told he had cancer. Meanwhile, he was living with another woman and was living the highlife on the ladies money as well as other victims. Sociopath? Interesting story and feel really sorry for his victims.
No, I didn’t see that. Typical sociopathic behaviour though. My ex was faking the cancer thing while helping himself to money from my bank account.
Hi Pos 🙂
I found this quote in Dr Wayne W Dyer’s book, ‘I Can See Clearly Now’,
Mark Twain Quote ” Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds, on the heel that has crushed it”.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Some of the comments on Facebook about the story are quite rude. People calling her stupid and it was her own fault. I don’t think these people have heard of Sociopaths and the power they can have over a person. Her sons were defending her so I am thinking I might email them and direct them to this site and recommend some books and other websites. She might not realise that she was in a relationship with a Sociopath.
Hey PR, I’m replying to your post with the link but can’t find it. That was some seriously scary reading. I think it was a very opinionated, left winged view but some key info in it. I thought he was off the mark when he talked about why we get into relationships and have trouble leaving… Quite insultive even. I also have my theories on why they seek out relationships if not for money or social gain. I found that a big hole in his writing. And an important one. I wonder if he had some sociopathic tendencies himself as although he was negative on them, there was a twist to it that implied they had more power than what I think they have and a danger to the future of mankind.
My first desire after reading it, was to agree with what many have suggested here, to put up photos of sociopaths on a website to protect other women and men. I’m actually thinking its a good idea.
Anyway, a long but interesting read last night.
Peace xx
Good idea ex def. I missed it as I was out. Poor lady. People can be so mean when they have no idea. Stupid.
@ Pos, can you remove that link urgently to It Is done, I just put it up without checking it 😦
Thanks argh….
Hi PR and Pos, I don’t need it, already read it. It was interesting.
About a year ago when I was going through a lot of hurt and anger, I found the Spath’s ex-wife on Facebook. I sent her a message asking if she was previously married to him and told her a tiny bit about what happened. I completely forgot about it and then today I woke up with a response from her. It said “Just don’t pay any attention to him. He is not a good man”. Has anybody else had any contact with your Spath’s ex’s? My ex was very open to me about the reason why he married her. It wasn’t love but she works for someone very high up within the Government (not my countries Government) and it was for status and power. While I was with him, he loved showing photos of himself with Government ministers to anybody he would meet. Why didn’t the red flags signal when he told me that he didn’t marry her for love? He used to say such awful things about her to me. It was all her fault that she left and won’t let him see his son etc. The good old “poor me” thing that Spath’s love to do. I actually believed him until he betrayed me and I started to think that maybe she wasn’t the crazy one…..
Not that I would reply to her, but a question I would ask myself, “why did she wait a year to respond to you? Or why is she responding to you at all?”
Good point. I didn’t think of that. All I can think of is that maybe she doesn’t go onto facebook that much. You have raised a good point. I think I won’t respond. Life gets better when I am not thinking about him.
My curiosity made me meet the OW but, the ex’s are different & it’s probably best that you go No Contact with anyone associated with him. She is probably really nice & got duped but, it is likely to bring up stuff & delay your healing so, it’s up to you?
On the other hand, it could really help you both?
I’m a big help aren’t I!!! 😉
“What’s love got to do with it” is playing on the radio & it was my Soc’s favorite by Tina Turner…hmmm a message me thinks….
My Soc told me he never loved his wife of 25 years & that he married her because, she wanted to? I think, that from what we have learnt, that they marry with an agenda & she suited his purpose etc…it’s never about love but, usefulness & always something in it for the Sociopath.
Even if it’s just a cover to show a ‘happy family’ scenario etc…my Soc’s ex is still part of his game plan as he manipulates her via their children.
He told me, she wants him back,even after everything he did to humiliate her. Knowing what we know about the addiction etc…she probably does poor thing 😦
Just be careful & don’t open the door too wide to the past 🙂
PR xoxo
They come with an agenda and leave with an agenda too 🙂 🙂
I don’t know anyone under 40 with a FB who isn’t glued to it, twitter or Instagram, lol. I just refuse to bend to looking at social media selfies!!
I am teasing, I know not everyone is like this. Lol.
@H.M. Christi: It is amazing how we are the ones that feel guilty and apologise to them all the time. They wouldn’t even know how to say sorry. I told my Spath that I was scared as well. He said that “your scared feeling pushes men away”. Errrr nope it never has before because I have never been scared in a relationship like I was in that one. Spaths will always see us as the crazy ones no matter how much we try and prove otherwise.
I know exactly what you are feeling. I can’t explain it either, but it is like I wanted him to not hate me. I felt like I was trying to always prove to him that I was a good person. Even now, after finding out about Sociopath’s, there is a very small part of me that seems to not want to believe that he is one. I think that is because we don’t understand what it is like to not feel anything.
These people are absolute nut cases but, to them, everybody else are the crazy ones.
You are a good person & that is why you struggle to understand. You have empathy & conscience & the Sociopath has neither. Your struggle is part of the healing process, your human & your normal 🙂
We are only victims because, we fought & won, which equals VICTORY 🙂
Remember who you really are, a fighter & a beautiful person with great resilience. It’s got you this far so, trust it to take you further. You will grow through it & from it 🙂
Keep telling your story & sharing & supporting as it’s a great healing tool & you are never alone here 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR
Hi There. 🙂 You know, I think it’s conceivable that, because of the addiction element you point out, a person could potentially be linked to a soc for a lifetime whether they’d planned to or not. It surprised me that my soc’s ex-wife is still mucking around with him because, I can’t imagine wanting to be involved with someone in that way after I’ve taken a stand to leave partnership with him. Just seems waaaay counter-productive to the success of the rest of your life.
I can say this now too because the “spell” for me has broken. I feel as though I was hypnotized, and for no real good reason. I still see evidence of him around the house sometimes. It doesn’t cause me to miss him. I remember the conversation around the thing and think, “Idiot” (meaning him), and “What were you thinking?” (meaning me).
It is really worth making the effort to break away. With just a little distance, I can now see how this involvement did absolutely nothing for me. All the benefits were peripheral and in retrospect (and I’m sure unintentioned on his part). It’s nice to have a non-response to something I had previously questioned whether I could get over in life.
Hi Jusa my good friend 🙂
I think some people develop co-dependancy & unless ‘push comes to shove”, they stay. They believe things will get better & hope for change.
I am like you & think ‘what was I thinking’ but, as we now know, our mind is overloaded & its hard to fathom the mind games that go on & usually so subtle that you don’t ‘get it’. I was always questioning myself after conversations with my Soc, analysing the conversation then making in into my own understanding. Does that make sence? I was literally rewriting the words in my brain so, that it translated like he cared but, expressed himself badly. I know now that I ‘vaselened’ the edges just to keep the illusion alive for myself. I didnt want him to be exactly what he was. I held onto that belief for 10 years. I would have figured it out quicker had he not had so many enablers etc…& he was extremely good at it!
I don’t miss him at all but, the memories come back to haunt us, thats normal.
Once you get past the anger, the pain comes & the knowing whats happened scatters you to the four corners of the world. I could cope with a cheater ( not accept though) but, a sociopath is far worse because, you cant un-know the experience. The fact that this sub-culture exists among us makes me sad. I don’t want to see the suffering they create. I don’t want revenge but, I really would love to see some justice & recognition so, I think we all need to support the awareness & write & share etc…our stories. There is no shame here, no-one should be subjected to a sociopath without their consent. If people had more awareness then, at least they would stand a chance.
Just be happy & continue to grow from this encounter, you are stronger for it & your resilience has made you a victor not a victim. The victim’s are the ones that choose to stay & thats the difference.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
My story starts a little over three years ago. I met my sociopath through friends. At first I did not like her and neither did my friend. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She started telling me all of her problems about how she has been wronged and mistreated. I felt compassion for her and tried to have fun with her. Hanging out and doing things together and with friends. We began sleeping together and things escalated quickly between us.She began focusing all her attention on me, notes, gifts and lots of sex. She has three kids, two from one guy and one from another. I should’ve seen the warning signs when I learned she did not have custody of any of them. She made up some lie about being raped and they were all mistakes. That the exes would take her to court to get them away from her so she gave up custody. I just heard what I wanted on my high of being in love. She would often try to get me to spend time with them when she has them. I felt uncomfortable as we were a new thing and I thought as little as she saw them she should spend quality time with them, just her but she tried to get me involved a lot. I did but with restrictions as I was not ready. She began making me feel as though I should feel responsibility to them. I refused it and didn’t see them much.
After getting me hooked she lost or got fired from her job, who knows what’s the truth with her. A series of not working and hanging out at my place went on as I worked and she did nothing. I felt used and hurt, as she would often have moments of outbursts of anger for no reason. She would start fights and use sex as a weapon. She said all her exes abused her and raped her etc, etc. I felt bad for her and believed she would gain employment and things would get better. She then lost her car and lost job after job. We argued constantly and I wanted her out all the time but she refused to go. I felt stuck since she had said all her family was awful and she had nowhere to go and nothing. I let her stay and stay all the while she would cry and claim she would change. I began to work and go to school to support us both still believing her lies, the illusion she presented.
I felt like something was off the whole time. Things weren’t adding up, she would try to crazy make, saying things then denying them, saying I said things I did not. She would like to stare me down even though it made me uncomfortable. Things got worse after she got a job. She looked at me and judged me for not having enough to provide her. She began coming home late knowing I would have to work early. She began avoiding our whole relationship. Our sex life had been bad for awhile, I always felt like it was a power thing for her so I didn’t want to participate.
She would tell me she could talk to me however she wanted and would hold me down saying she was being playful. She told me if I didn’t give her sex she would take it from me. All kinds of sick shit. I made her work and get a job. I refused to pay for all her shit and once she had a job its like she hated me for having to get one. She kept me from my friends and family and didn’t want me talking them about our relationship.
It all came to a head when SHE finally decided to leave me because I wasn’t her fun toy anymore. I was confused because the day was great, we had fun and then she flipped out took all her stuff and told me things had to change and this was unhealthy, that she felt like a caged animal. It was crazy after all I had done for her, I gave her a car to use and a place to stay. She then turned around and blamed me for being homeless and having nowhere to shower, yada, yada. I talked to her even though I shouldn’t, thinking I could reason with a crazy person. She came to get her things and I saw this cold dead look in her eyes that I tried to dismiss so many times. She let her mask fall and wasn’t trying to be loving towards me anymore. She became hateful and argumentative that I wouldn’t take her back. I was well aware that she may be a sociopath before all of this but I didn’t want to believe it and all my friends that told me to run.
I deleted her on social networking sites along with mutual friends and family we had and I had to block her. She still had access to my info and it scared me, she called me wanting to know what my post were about and who I have been seeing and such. I was freaked so I took several steps to change my passwords and even watch my bank account. She still wanted control after she left and if I wouldn’t be with her anymore she wanted to be friends to see what I was doing. I have since cut off all contact for days now. She was becoming nastier and nastier by each contact. I plan on sticking to it because I have a lot to offer and I am tired of her bringing me down. I am thankful that I still have close friends around me and family that love me. She is still texting me but I am ignoring her cries of me being a liar. Just abnormal shit I refuse to put myself through anymore. I plan on changing my number as soon as possible.
Thanks for reading.
Hi Allison. Welcome to the site. It is common for sociopaths who are liars to accuse you of being a liar 😦
Thank you. I am healing and my friends are great and supportive. It still stings. I had an off feeling for awhile when she didn’t want to kiss me or faked wanting to kiss me, faked wanting me or claiming other lies. I am aware that she is now sleeping with a man that she has been working with, claiming all this time to be gay. She got him to buy her an e cig, gave her car in her name. She never wanted me to meet this man even though she said they were “friends”. I should have known she has been working him, getting him to cater to her kids. Most likely telling him how awful I am and lying about all kinds of shit. Getting a car from him in his name and insurance. I kind of feel for the guy but I admit I am very hurt by this. If only he knew she will soon ruin him and try to tear him down. She couldn’t take my friends or family away or money. She has shown no sign of hurting that we are over after three years. Its really tough knowing that I was the sincere person. The good person and she never cared at all about me, only her own agenda. Frightening. Good luck, man.
I am just in awe of thinking all the sick shit she had probably been doing all this time, plotting and probably bringing people into our bed. Its sickening. She’s really good, I will give that to her. Psycho.
@ Jusagurl,
What i meant about rewriting what he said for example, he said he nevet loved his wife of 25 years & I heard & translated that as ‘sour grapes’ because she took him on financially ( yay) & when he said he felt something like love for me, that was enough at the time because he’d never said it before.
When he said his eldest child was his favorite, I was florid but, put it down to the othet two having upset him somehow? So, because it wasnt my nature to think & talk & act like him, I felt pity for him being like that, when he was actually stating fact. When he said he wasnt like most other men, i translated that as him not being a cheat etc…in the course of conversation. Lots of lies mixed with truth so, no wonder I those clues as it went off my moral scale etc…so, thougt he was a sad person to think like that & he would be happy around me & he was 😉
I hate texting replies from my phone, makes me a terrible speller etc….;) lol