@. Allison. I am very impressed with how strong you have been. It is awful when they act as they it is your problem or are demanding when you ask them to do something like support themselves or contribute.
In regards to the sex. My Spath used to withhold sex. He avoided the relationship as well. My needs weren’t being met at all. When I asked for some attention, he would get so angry. He made me feel like I was being needy, when in fact, I was the only one who cared about the relationship and knew we had to talk and spend time together for the relationship to work. He was so nasty about it.
Stay strong. Sounds like you are on the right path. Be proud of yourself.
Thank you for the kind words. I am really on a emotional wave, faking it to make it. Today I feel vengeful and angry, wanting to burn all the shit she gave me. Wanting to expose her. None of my friends ever liked her and she knew she could not manipulate them because they saw right through her. So after discarding me she deleted all my friends as well so she could continue on as a good guy and look good to others. It makes me sick and kind of want her to die knowing the truth. LoL.
Your family & friends cannot ‘get it’ but, we do 🙂
Let them ‘off the hook’ would you really want them to ‘get it’…No…that would mean them having experienced it & I would not wish a Sociopath on my worst enemy because, they are our worst enemy…the ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’.
Your not alone & your anger is normal & part of the process & sadly, you have to work through it, to move over & around it 😦
You will get there so, hang in & keep sharing & supporting but, do the hard work on yourself as well.
Counselling, meds, anything that lifts you & ‘clears’ your inner space…do whatever it takes & remember, you do not walk this path alone…you cannot see us but, we are walking with you.
Some are ahead on the path, others walk beside & others behind but, a lot haven’t even found it & never will.
You are on it so, keep going 🙂
I am at the end, & have found great growth & self awareness & it’s truly amazing & unbelievable….lesson learnt 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
I think we get quite confused because these people are so loving, attentive and caring at the beginning. When we are shoved aside for the new shiny toy, we are left in such a state of confusion. Many times they still have us on the side “just incase”. Every time my Spath deleted me from his life because I made him angry (lol,), it was usually for a week or two and he would completely ignore me. It was like he was doing no contact to me. There was no word about whether it was a break up, I was left in a state of unknown. I admit I went crazy, I sent many texts trying to get answers from him, many texts trying to apologise, many texts to explain what I meant. Then when I was allowed back into his life, it was like nothing happened. The first time he stopped talking to me, I sent him an email and I asked him if we were breaking up. He said “no, I love you but this is to teach you a lesson.” I look back now and every time he did that, I have now realised it was a control thing but also to make sure I knew that I was the crazy one or to make me go crazy.
@Ex def an S
I have seen my soc do this to family first-hand. Once, to his sister, once to his own daughter. His sister freaked out and first went around mouthing lies to other family members. When that didn’t work, she outright asked a family member if he was mad at her. This gave the soc the feedback he needed. He said to me, “I guess she did do something wrong then since she’s assuming I’m mad at her.” He pretended he wasn’t putting her on pause on purpose, but I knew he was. Eventually, I believe he decided to use her to irritate me with nasty texts, when he was mad at me. He could silent treatment me as long as he wanted… that kind of thing never messed with my psyche as I viewed it as simply stubborn behavior and said what I wanted anyway. He knew that wouldn’t stop until he engaged so, since that didn’t really work with me, his favorite weapon of choice was usually some type of triangulation.
Hello everyone, I’m new here so I don’t know what to expect. I have known this guy for 34 years I’m 48. He groomed me then suduced me 11 yrs ago to date, I left July 13, I had enough of the roller coaster love. I felt like I was going crazy. I screamed, hide, told people and still went back to him. I was totally attached and so was others. Two years ago I contacted a woman who disclosed to me all about him. He was with both of us he done the same things with us, he also insisted on sex whilst we were sleeping which I know now is rape, I have received council long for that and I reported it to the police. What happens is that you disown the situation as if your not there, also it made me realise that I have been damaged and battling with that and leaving him was over welding for me, I was at my worse vulnerable state. He took full advantage if me, my home and my money, I was lost. He loved it, source of supply. Last July I was weak. And getting ill, walking started to be a problem. I was low.
It was on my break for two weeks when I came across this site. It’s only now I’m adding my story it’s hard. I write in story form cause I can’t believe this has happened to me. When I screamed at him it done nothing, he continued to slowly torture me, and I allowed it.
It’s been 5 months now, yes my motto today us “I’m all on my own” I know poor me, that’s it with me I do feel sorry for my self for letting that predator in my precise home and life. I’m getting stronger everyday goes by that’s for sure. It’s freedom, it’s good, but everyday remember it, the drama, lying, cheating and the rest. I have picked up traits from him too. But slowly my morals are connecting back to me. I have read several books to be able to relate to this brutal act by a intense sociopath, he was so intense that he would have his affairs right under my nose, I always find out afterwards which is the deep seated deceit within him that pours out like black treacle.
I have done lists upon lists and I’m following them through. But when I get a moment I think of what I have been through, yes him. I have the no contact in place and have not broke it. No kids with him thank god. I am still on this site reading and will comment on issues that affect me from now on. One of my books suggest that I write about my life on a forum as it is a form of healing. I am healing myself and determine not to step back to the abuse. I am reading books on the betrayal bond, this is helping me to find out what compulsions I have or developed, I need to know this as I allowed my self to be controlled by a intense sociopath. Everything written about them is exactly describing my ex. I don’t hate him, I just feel sorry for him, as he scapes to find someone else for convenience, when they decide to leave he just finds another. That’s true.
You are not alone here & I was involved with my Soc for 10 years so, we are here together & believe me when I say, you will be okay 🙂
It’s a long hard road back to the real you but, keep doing what you are doing as you are on the right track. My original story post is under older comments back on June 14th if you can find it, it will help you see you are definately not alone.
Its really hard to understand the Soc so, the best thing to do is remember, this is not your fault. The Sociopath always has an agenda & to them it’s just business, not personal. They never connect on an emotional level or spiritual level so, that is something they are incapable of ever doing.
Take your own power back, stay No Contact as it really is the only way through. Concentrate on your health & crearting the life you deserve.
You have to rebuild & you will, don’t give up as you are a beautiful, smart, resilient & worthy person. Thats why he stayed so long 😦 you have been traumatised & you must go through the pain to gain the wisdom.
My lesson was that I accepted the unacceptable due to a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships. I didnt recognise functional so, I did not value myself enough to find functional.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@karen and hello PR
You aren’t alone, we have all felt this way. Your comments “I am all on my own” made me think of a blog I read this morning, (if I could I would be able to link it and all that jazz, but I suck and don’t know how, I’ll try). Anyway, this women wrote about how her daughter, four years old, she is concerned about if has friends? will she make any? (Readers Digest version), in short the child tells her mother, “Mommy, I am my own BEST FRIEND”. What a well grounded, child! When did we as adults stop being our own best friends, doing what is best for us? I forgot too! I just thought WOW! This really inspired me to take better care of me, and to be positive about “being on my own”.
Have a great day!
NIBSIH
Hi Karen, you are so right to say you are now better off on your own. I just discovered this site too and it is like a breath of fresh air. It seems so unfair that they put us through so much and then it is us who continue to beat ourselves up about what has happened while they just move on with no concern. After 4 months I am still torturing myself, looking for answers, feeling lost and empty but likewise I know that I am better off. The stories are all the same which is frightening. I also feel that writing about the experiences does help. It is something that I think we have to work through, much as I would like to forget everything and move on, I think it is a process and sharing our thoughts and feelings is therapeutic as we all work through this together. ive felt the rejection, then anger and stupidity to allow someone to control me and my life, then you do pity them but they don’t even deserve that. Have you been able to share what you have been through with your friends? My relationship was only for a year but I had know him for a long time then he disappeared, no way of contacting him. I do have children from a previous marriage and I he took them all in with his false promises too and for me that just seems even more sick to think that someone can be so cruel. Reading so much about this now the words GET OUT are the only thing you need to hear and we can at least be grateful that we are now in that situation. Have a good day it is a beautiful world out there, just a bit cloudy at the moment x
ADVISE please??
Hi guys, firstly I am 2 months no contact. Didn’t break it once, although I contacted his friend recently, as I needed a piece pf property that was in storage in his place..So I got a text from him to say hi, I believe you are looking for X… let me know when u have it sorted, just give me notice, no hassle at all.. So the dilemma is, I will have to see him unless I PAY someone to do it for me, which I cant really afford. I’ve been doing so well with NO contact, I am not sure its the best idea to see him at all… It’s over with now.. I know he isn’t interested in me anymore and could have a “new source of supply”. So I am thinking, maybe it wont be that bad, but I still don’t want to risk it…
What do you guys think??
thanks,Kits x
Thank you so much for all the information you have given on this website. It really helped me a lot and made me realise so many things. When I have time i will do my story. I was just reading the article aboute the financien… I was thinking well in this I have been lucky…he doesn’t owe me money…but I think now he just realised that I would discover him sooner or later and ran away before he got caught…I have been lucky….but the wound is still there…the feeling of being betrayed, the cheating, the lies, the manipulation(in a very charming way), being used, realising his love for me wasn’t real… this still hurts…but I think I had a guardian angel with me…who saved me just in time…soon I will do my story…Thanks you so so much again!!!! :-)))
Thank you marj and welcome to the site 🙂
@PR
I “vaselined” the edges too. 😦 And, you are so right about the not being able to un-learn what we now know about humanity. I feel like Eve in the garden of Eden sometimes.
I don’t want to be paranoid or “superaware” to where I can’t have some enjoyment out of life, because I’m certain God didn’t intend for all of it to be some struggle, but I am more intuitively tuned into people around me now, almost to a near-psychic level in some cases.
I had a strange experience at the courthouse about a week ago. I had to take my 10-year-old along with me because he was still on school break. We were in a packed rotunda with chairs side by side, just crammed with people. After we’d been there a little while and people had had opportunity to observe us and us them, I turned to say something to my son and rubbed his back. When I turned back to face the room, I instinctively honed in on two different men who were staring at our interaction with more than curiosity. It was like encountering aliens who had just found new life supply. Their posture, their stillness, their focus, all of it felt very predatory.
I was unsettled. I whispered to my son that, if anyone he didn’t know should approach him, the same rules as being in a store or elsewhere applied, and that he was to make a noisy fuss and go with no one. Due to where we were, we were possibly sitting among some criminals.
While naivete isn’t useful to protecting ourselves, sometimes it did seem like ignorance was bliss in my life. But this curious cat wanted to know so, no going back now.
Yes, the naivety has well & truly gone but, it has been replaced by the greater awareness of evil.
It has also ‘HIGHLIGHTED’ the really good & authentic souls around us 🙂
I have stopped Taking It For Granted & really Appreciate the True & Real people that I know & am meeting 🙂
It’s really weird but, my life has blossomed once again with really wonderful interactions on a deeper level.
I guess, I have truly become more grateful & appreciative of what is real & what is fake. I am more open but, not naive & I engage with people on a vibratory level. Sounds a bit la la but, I have been practicing this & really conscious of others ‘vibe’.
The Soc experience has me a little jaded but, that’s a good thing because, I am guarded with whom I choose to share my world with & I am making healthy choices & having boundaries redefined which, is a positive.
Your protective instinct over your son is paramount & instinctual & timely judging by the situation & I would have been the same.
You picked up the ‘vibe’ & acted accordingly.
Your gut is active again & that is a great awareness, congratulations you are indeed an intuitive & inquisitive & you must stay that way 🙂
The predator is around & we must fight to protect others & their innocence & hopefully they will be saved the torment we have had to endure 🙂
That’s a good thing & we have been made more aware for reasons that are for the better 🙂
We have realized that the ‘Boogie Man’ does exist & he looks ‘normal’ but, is abnormal & blends in around us like a Chameleon.
Side Note: I just read about being attracted to ‘bastards’ oops 😉
Something about being unavailingly available.
Thereby, we are attracted to the thought that they are available when indeed, they are far from it on an emotional/physical & spiritual level.
We seek what we cannot have but, we keep seeking & trying & hoping.
In the end we must always seek within ourselves first & then we will attract available on every level 🙂
We must avail ourselves fully of ourselves & then the ‘laws of attraction’ will bring us the right person 🙂
Thank you for allowing me to brain dump on here 🙂 It is so good to have such a supportive forum that allows us to vent and have people that understand. It is so hard for family and friends to understand when they haven’t had a relationship with a Sociopath. I also think that they get sick of hearing the venting. My best friend stopped asking me how I was about a month after the relationship broke up and hasn’t asked anything about it since. Thankfully I had another friend who was my sounding board and was so supportive and I feel truly blessed that I have someone like her in my life. Sometimes I think people are thinking “just move on” when it isn’t that easy. When you have been betrayed and scammed, a lot of victims of Sociopaths find it quite hard to move on for a long time. Even when victims do move on, many still have anxiety that affects new relationships and trust issues so it might never truly leave us.
It will never leave us but, we will go on & defy the Sociopaths & live a fuller & more meaningful life than they do.
That is our reward, the knowing that we ‘feel life’ & not ‘fake it’.
Like any traumatic experience, we learn to acknowledge it, feel it & let it go.
‘FEEL IT, DEAL WITH IT & HEAL FROM IT’…that’s now my mantra 🙂
If you don’t let it go, it will affect you in other ways which hinder your growth & health. It’s a hard lesson but, we have to learn from it & move forward. It’s hard but, you can do anything you put your mind to 🙂
Thought’s become Actions so, even on a subliminal level, you must retrain your brain to seek out the truth & love yourself & know you are loved & loving.
Your a beautiful soul & no-one can take that away 🙂
Love, Light & Faith in yourself….Your a Victor not a Victim 🙂
I love your mantra ‘FEEL IT, DEAL WITH IT & HEAL FROM IT’.. such wise words… I am on day 58 No contact, and this forum has been a god send, listening to everyone’s stories are a great help with understanding the madness of it all,for you’re input I thank you..
It is still hard to accept it all and that its over and what it actually was. I found spending time with my closest friends and family help immensely, they remind me that I am a wonderful caring person, and deserve to be happy with the right person. Baring in mind that I lost a lot of contact with all my closest friends and family cause I was entrapped in the mess with the soc, so to have the FREEDOM of doing what I want without having to consult him is lovely. I am taking each day and what it brings on the chin and trying to deal with my feelings etc. He is still on my mind but I feel I have started to detach emotionally from it all, I feel comfort from it. Clearing my aura of him, I am meditating to relax in the evenings also. So each day at a time…
I will be FREE and happy, one fine day…
Thanks again
Kit xx
P.S. Others that haven’t experienced it cannot understand & that’s a good thing because they haven’t suffered like us.
You have us so, let them ‘get on’ with it & heal here 🙂
We understand & ‘get you’ so, let others keep moving while we stop & heal here & then move with them & back to real 🙂
It’s a trauma & like ‘death’, unless it affect’s you personally, you just keep going while we stop until we get ‘unstuck’ & then we bring our real back to Normal 🙂
Omg this is sooo true – // your Post Script – every word !!
Dear all,
It is encouraging to hear how our closest friends who do not understand is a common thing. They tend to burn out easily while we are barely scraping the surface of what has happened to us. Thanks to this site and each other, we can vent til it helps, knowing that someone understands. Then I will read about one of you who has the exact same feelings as I do. And we can learn from each other, especially when I have had trouble deciding if he really is a charismatic soc or not. It is important to me to know whether he is or not, because it helps to understand and find answers. I have had soooo many “A-HA!” moments. Especially when I read the “18 red flags”. He has them all. Love to all and our continued, difficult, but persistent healing. Let’s keep nourishing other. 🙂
I totally feel ya on family and friends being tired of it. I tend to obsess anyways so it must suck for them to hear my pissing and moaning. I am wanting to be more productive with my anger and hurt but I am finding it hard since they don’t understand the depth of betrayal I am going through.
A person goes to a police station to identify their Sociopath,
The line up has males & females of all different colors, shapes & size.
Detective says, “take your time, we know how hard this can be”.
The witness says, ” look I know this sounds crazy but, they all look the same to me!”
Like a rabbit looking at a fox, a snake, a cat & a bear, all predators in the end!
Lol, I hope you smile or at least feel better 😉
Put your stories in writing, it’s only part of your story but, write it & then see it & you will get it out of you & onto paper etc… The thing is, get it out & down, then the healing begins 🙂
Hi & welcome, you are not alone & we have all been duped & beyrayed but, here we are, loving & supporting each other 🙂
Its terribly hard to get your head around how they do it but, the more you read, share & support, you will process the information & learn to focus on yourself & your healing.
It is a process & at first you will go through hell but, keep going as the light at the end is amazing. You will never be the same again but, what you will be is far stronger, resilient & in your own power 🙂
Don’t overthink the others that she dupes & uses as thats how they ‘get at’ you, the thought of being used is awful. Turn it around as you were too good for her & she couldn’t stand your light. Shed her like a snake sheds it’s skin, peel away the layers & renew yourself. You will look in the mirror & see your true love & then you will find you are beautiful, worthy & real 🙂
I had 10 years with mine & am 9 months No Contact ( sort of) , I was discarded after the OW alerted me & the rest is history. She is a Dr of Sociology & studies & lectures in human behavior so, good luck with that pyscho as well. I had to prove who I was to her & his signature on my will etc…still didn’t make her run? Who lets a casual romantic partner witness there will!!!! Oh & the other stuff but, she has the addiction & betrayal wasnt her deal breaker but, it was & is always mine 🙂
Stick with No Contact & really believe in yourself. She was attracted to you because you are amazing & she needed to mimic that to trap the next & the next. Business as usual at the office if Sociopathy! Keep putting your complaints in writing here with us as, we are good at solving & helping, not the Soc office. Its a front for a sham! Lol 🙂
Awesome, this made me smile and you’re right I need to focus on turning it around into a positive light. I have been a good, kind person and people see that. I have awesome friends and family that believe in me. She doesn’t have any of these things and never will.
Yay Allison, you have made it to self belief….& you are so right 🙂
You are all the best things & the Soc wanted to be ‘YOU’ but, sadly they fake it & You my darling are the ‘Real Deal’….shine on & on…..
You are Awesome 🙂
PR xoxo
@ NIBSIH & Karen 🙂
Nibsih is so right :), she may not be tech savvy ( am learning also) but, she has more insight & wisdom & is amazing 🙂
Karen, see you are not alone but, you must dig deep & be your best friend, we are living proof that it can be done 🙂
Have a great day Nibsih & you too Karen. I’m in the southern hemisphere so, have a great life wherever you are & whatever time it is 🙂
Lol , somedays I can’t even find my knickers but, when I do they are clean 😉
Remember to stay on the up escalator of life & I’ll see you at the top.
P.S. When you find a blog you like, save it to your favourites should be a star on the left side tool bar, can be right though depending on program you have. Save that site & then you have it until you delete it. X
Oh my – don’t get me started on “the search and rescue for my undergarments”, which occurs daily!! I will have to look for the starred sites, my “lovely” children just broke my nook, and I don’t usually get on the big computer. So I will check this feature out, on iPhone.
So today my sociopath changed one of his many profile pics (who else discovered that their Spath had a few online profiles?). His eyes were so creepy and dark looking. Gave me chills.
Bloody weirdos lol. I have trouble keeping up with one profile lol. The profile on Facebook my Spath has me on also has lady boys as friends. He had a weird fascination about them.
Yes, mine had a fascination with transgender people & would show me pic’s/videos to shock me & he was obsessed with anal sex ( neither interested me I must add) but, to each his own.
My confort zone is Normal but, like most Soc’s, they want to push your bouderies to demean you. They have no respect & naturally fake they do to get you. Mine was always opening doors etc…in public but, behind closed doors loved to ‘talk dirty’, was a sloth basically & ate like a pig & licked his plate like a dog 😉
I felt sorry for him & dont know what I saw in him??? Lol, once away from them you look through different eyes & the smoke & mirrors fade & all that’s left is the ‘creature’ & it’s not pretty!
‘ They are Sodom & Gomorah’ & all the sins as far as mine was concerned. In fact every ‘7 deadly sins’ depicts him.
Gluttony, coveting anothers wife etc…. Wow Wow Wow!!! Another Epithany for me… God help us I say!
P.S. I had lunch with someone I trust with my life, & he said he always thought my Soc was an evil malevolent man but, did not tell me for fear of losing me. Gee I wish he’d just said something as it may have made my view of the Soc shift as I often saw signs but, had lost faith in my own gut?
‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’ a book by Ray Bradbury & made into a movie in 1983 , haunted me & I would say/hear that title in my head, just before my soc appeared.
I have also always been obsessed with The Wizard of Oz & when Dorothy gets to the Emerald City & meets Oz, he’s all smoke & mirrors & a sham.
The message of having a brain, a heart & courage makes me feel like the characters ( my favourite was the lion 😉
In the end, there is ‘No place like home’ & home is what you make it & for me, it’s within & wherever I’m happy & surrounded by love 🙂 🙂
Must put on my Red Shoes & hope the evil witch & monkeys don’t find me! Lol
Yep & he would say, ‘lie down on the sacrificial alter’ the bed etc…& I would laugh but, just thought it was a game (lol) Sheesh what a life I was partaking in????
He loved saying, “You are my wife, my possession” & “I can do whatever I like with you”….obviously I stood my ground if he got really weird but, I thought it was how he got his ‘Jollies’ & I played along. I had no idea he meant it.
‘You are mine & no-one else will ever have you’,
‘what I say remains between us, it is my business & no-one else’s & you must never tell anyone what I say, you must comply & acquiesce’ blah blah….I thought it was funny & a joke…..oh my, he meant every word & there was many, many more….’I own you, you are mine completely’…what a strange self absorbed twat he really was/is.
I am so glad I am free of his lunacy & delusion 🙂
I hope your well Sweet & wish you love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. download that movie, ‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’ or read this Wiki description, blew my mind!!! Wish I’d really listened when my guides kept sending it through!
Thank you, I wish I had read this a year ago! Im free now from him but not from the thoughts,,sleepless nights and the constant searching for, well I don’t know what. To discover the same story again and again, on a subject I knew nothing about has been amazing and is helping me through. With figures ranging from 4 – 9% of the population having this disorder why has it remained so taboo. If more people were aware before, rather than, like many of us finding out through searching to find a reason/explanation when it is too late, at least we could have felt stronger and played the “game” in return, instead of feeling weak and down trodden. Ive now talked to some close friends who were completely unaware of what was going on, but when I refere to certain instances it offers an explanation. Though because no one has heard of this before sometimes Im not sure how much they believe as my stories seems so far fetched and the more I talk, the more I remember, the more comes out.
Hi Littlepebble 🙂
Remember, you came from a giant rock so, you are part of something bigger 🙂
It is hard & you must remember to process the thoughts & memories & take the lesson’s & move through the pain & onto your best path.
I have just listened to the link, Hay House & I am sending it to you, to have a look & listen & hopefully gain from this 🙂
Louise Hay is my Icon & I have had her book for 20 years but, never truly embraced it but, I am now 🙂
The other participant’s are also mind blowing & I wish you enlightenment & healing 🙂
You are not alone & we will support you with love 🙂
@ Sweet, read this or download the movie, it’s fascinating & ‘blew my mind!’, wish I’d listened to the voice in my head that kept repeating
Something Wicked This Way Comes…..argh were they right….MR DARK whoa!!
@allison….to get sweet revenge on these people would be awesome. I still have days where I am angry at him and would love to do something to hurt his precious ego. I will let karma take care of that though. The best revenge is for you to live the best life ever and without her in it. They usually try and come back into your life. When she does, telling her to get lost and showing her how strong you have become can be a way to get back at her. It can all be quite a struggle. I found something positive in building a house that has me looking forward to something and also something he has no opinion in and has never seen.
Yay Ex Def, the house represents you & your building a new life…Fantastic…:) am somersaulting in my head LOL, too old to do it for real LOL 😉
I know it will be a house filled with Joy & Happiness & LOVE…..congratulation’s, another inspirational person 🙂
Love & Light to fill your house & life…..
Make sure you put out the ‘Welcome Mat’ but, only to the Good Souls to cross the threshold…get your house blessed, here’s a link for you 🙂 http://www.astralhealer.com/house.php
Exactly and as much as they try and convince people that they are good, kind, generous people, eventually the mask comes down and it is revealed what their true personality is.
@PR
I want to watch the movie now that you brought it up. I looked it up… there appears to be a lot of symbolisms and imagery throughout. Just the names of the characters—Nightshade and Halloway—Nightshade is a deadly poison that will contaminate everything around it, producing no yield… and, Halloway, well, we all have encountered the hollow way…
Welcome..You’re in the right place & are doing the right thing…..At the other side of the pain is a peace and sense of self-knowledge you have yet experienced.
Hi Jusa 🙂
I switched off my intuition but, that “Something Wicked This Way Comes” was so, prominent for the last 10 years but, I did not get the message nor the significance. I swear, it literally haunted me but, I ignored it!!!! Damn Soc, stopped me growing but, now I have fully realised the lesson & gosh, I have had so much growth & just in the last few days have had the most amazing interactions & awareness….am absolutely standing in my own ‘power’ & Wow Wow Wow I have started learning Tarot & my first reading on myself nearly ‘blew my mind’…1st card, the lovers….two woman trying for the attention of one man (omg) then the ‘wheel of fortune’ was second & the top of that wheel shows a phoenix (yep) & two choices on the wheel to go down or up or stay in the cycle….the 3rd card was ‘the hermit’ a wise old man who will help me find my inner wisdom but, I must follow the light of his lantern….& the 4th card was, ‘the empress’ a card signifying transformation & renewal & a positive outcome :)….
How’s that for my very first reading 🙂
I shall do one for you soon in the other realm (hint,hint)…
@PR
Holy cow! Well, that was unexpected. It sounds like the spiritual universe is happy with and encouraging you in the space you are in because that is just too coincidental a confirmation to be anything else. I can wait for my personal session. 😉
I remember seeing that movie in the 70’s but I am going to definitely see it again, now that I am older and wiser……and been thru so much pain and sadness….but survived
I just wanted to share something I heard about people that act without empathy & conscience.
If someone keeps acting in an un-conscience way then the negativity they create will make them sick & tired so, rest assured your Sociopath/narcissist or whatever pathy they have, will inevitably catch up with them.
It makes sence that even in our own lives, if we act out of hate, nothing good comes, yet when we do everthing with loving intentions, our relationships & interactions are healthier & more rewarding.
This does not mean you will never have a bad experience (as we know, loving the Soc made no difference to their ultimate behavior) but, what it does is reinforces the need to love everyone & every living thing on the planet. Put love out & let it flow back too you!
Forgive the Soc as they don’t have this ability & that is a terrible shame.
Forgiveness is the key to your personal growth, we have been given this experience to learn & ultimately grow from so, stay on your path to love & light & take the scenic route. The Sociopath will never see the ‘forest for the trees’ & he’ll cut them done anyway 😉
Keep growing with love & light & see you on the path.
I sooo needed this, sometimes, (today), I was so excited, I had all four of my children in my house, never happens, my children are in all different stages of hate to dislike with me. Of course, like a idiot, I allowed my self to be hopeful and excited about being with them. My daughter just ruined it, with her foul attitude and mouth right before my older sons were leaving, she was kinda bitchy all day, but took it over the top towards the end. Your post reminded me, I am so glad I am no longer in my ex’s dysfunctional sick world, I can’t help my children, (sadness). I have wasted so much money on attorney fees, that did nothing.
I can only control me, and I have to choose to ignore their horridness. They will destroy me with their darkness – ugh it’s like little dark omens. Yuk.
Hi NIBSIH 🙂
Chin up 🙂 It’s really hard dealing with dysfunctional people & the dysfunction that they cause.
Your daughter is acting out her pain etc….when someone is speaking & acting vile, I now look at them with compassion as it is their pain coming to the surface 😦
It is not your pain, it is theirs & they own it.
However they will try & ‘handball’ it too you so, ‘handball’ it straight back with love.
When my life gets crazy & someone negative enters my peace, I choose to step back from them literally & look them right in the eye & say ‘F*ck Off’ in my head but, outwardly I smile & remain silent. Silence is a loud scream to them. Remember how the Sociopath uses silence to punish us, turn it back onto them & their cohorts in the game.
Your daughter is young & if you keep being loving, no matter what, something good will flow back to you eventually 🙂 Just keep loving you & doing what you need to do to stay on track.
‘You can lead a horse to water but, you cannot make it drink!’….
Love & light & let’s aim for Peace in our lives no matter what other peoples internal conflict is, it isn’t yours 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. Everyone Please Can we send a group hug to Positivagirl 🙂 🙂
like this….
BIG SQUEEZY HUGS TO POSITIVA, HUG IT OUT EVERYONE,HUG IT OUT (0) (0) (0) ….these are hugs xoxo 😉
To us all
(((Group hug ))), I need one too!!
I found this song – (via argument with boyfriend, long story, not NS just old man).
I recall feeling this way hundreds of times. Through several relationships over the years. Ironically the singer wrote the song, over a girl in college when she broke up over a boy, from the boys perspective and couldn’t finish the ending. Started dating the girl, when she dumped him two years later he had the ending. I will also include the song facts. I am still looking for the blog I lost. Sorry people, I am getting better though! Maybe?
Aww sending you a huge hug!!! 🙂 sorry for the delay in reply. It has taken a while for me to go back through comments that haven’t gone through.
Hi All
Im new to this and currently cant figure out if, indeed, my boyf is a true Spath. Whilst he holds a few of the attributes mentioned, he is, in fact, a successful business owner with big goals and dreams and never takes anything from me financially.
It all started approx 8 months into our relationship – he had been loving, attentive, caring, kind, generous etc told me he he’s never met anyone like me, told me he loved me every single day etc. Then I found messages on his phone to other girls. Some asked him about me (they had seen us together or heard about us) and he would say things like ‘She means nothing to me’ or ‘no we’re not really serious, I dont like her much anyway’ and he even asked one girl (who i later found out was an ex) to meet up with him again! meanwhile in reality he had MOVED in with me and appeared to be besotted and happy and I naturally thought he was the best thing since sliced bread.
After confronting him about the messages he tried to play them down at first then eventually apologised and I forgave. fast forward another 2 years and he regularly would text/email girls behind my back saying how unhappy he was etc but to my face he was making big plans with me, wanting to start a future, I think he was just looking for them to massage his ego. Then the pointless lies come, he has no time for me, he would shout and swear and be verbally abusive and if I got upset he would say it was my own fault for ‘provoking him’ to his outbursts etc. He became very cold towards me, stopped showing affection, never wanted to have sex, and when I tried to talk about out problems he would dismiss them and say I was making a big deal out of nothing. During any argument he would tell me how I do nothing for him, how I just like to fight and cause problems, how I think im so wonderful but im not, etc and I genuinely used to think I was going crazy. Where was the loving man I first met?
After 3 years of feeling like I was aconstantly walking on eggshells, I decided to leave for my own sanity. I was absolutely heartbroken but I knew I had done nothing wrong and , in fact, spent most of my time trying to fix all the things that he had caused. I cut off all contact, changed my number etc however for the last 4 months he has found other ways to contact me and says he wants me back and that he’ll change and he now realises how selfish he’d been.
So, I dont know if hes just been young and now hes matured a bit, or, if indeed he is a Spath and I should run for the hills. Any help much appreciated!
I am a newbie to this forum. Never in a million years would I think I would be on this site. I am very thankful I found a safe place to tell my story. I am 55 years old, wife of one, mother of one. Early retirement. I am not dumb but after reading others stories…..I feel dumb. I had time on my hands. My S/P was in my 5th grade class room. I know men do not keep up with pictures and things like girls do. Bear in mine I have not seen or heard any thing about him in 45 years. He friended me on F/B. I accepted and I sent him the picture. Innocent on my part. July 6, 2013 will be etched in my mine forever. That was the random day I sent a random photo. After that school year he was transferred to another school. Never saw him again. I no longer live in my home town but I do have many friends I still talk to. I told one of my friends just in speaking that I had sent a photo. He gave me that look…..WHAT? What is that look for? He is trouble….always has been and always will be. Told him that mattered not to me since I was just friended by him and sent the photo. A few days later he began chatting with me. It was choppy wordings. Can’t explain. Went from one topic of conversation to another. I saw another comment come and it said …….ladies name…..say something. It was on my board. I really did not think anything much then but now I do. We talked about his life and my life….his children and my child. It was still short choppy answers. I told my good friend about it and he mentioned he had been in jail 3 times. The last time was 2/13 to 7/13. He was just home from his jail stage. I was going to be his friend. I root for the underdog…..always is what I kept telling myself. During these chats he might say something and I would not understand what he was saying to me. I talk to several school mates on F/B and it does not bother my husband. My friend did tell me to watch out for this guy because he had used up all of his friends meaning no one like him because he was a user of his friends.
We texted many time throughout the day. Easy for him to do since he was self employed. Texting in the middle of the night. He never slept. Never really spoke much ,,,,,but we did text. There was no attempt to see each other at this time. Friends. He had fallen in love with me by September. On a Sat night he texted me and said he was going to eat with his family. I saw a restaurant review written by him the next day and signed by him and another woman. It broke my heart. The night he texted me to say he loved me but was with someone else at this house. I just wanted to die. He texted to explain but I was having none of that. When I did cawl down and read his text he told me it was someone he had had a relationship for 11 years. He said she was w mean as hell. She had ruined every relationship he had ever had since he had gotten divorced. Said he almost got married once but this woman call and told her something bad about him. His wording to me was I did not know this but when you f##k someone….you are in a relationship…. he said that. I did not believe him but said nothing.
We met in Sept for our 2nd time. He brought 2 Viagra. We had sex and it was something like I have never had in my life. It felt good and afterwards we stayed for the rest of the night. He wanted me to be right next to him in bed and he wanted my body close to him. I put it there. I woke to the words “did you know just how beautiful you are”. I told him no. He said he might just like to wake up next to me everyday. How would that be. I smiled and he kissed me. We got up and we talked about our lives…..this is something I never understood. He did bring the gal that he had been with name up. I asked about her. He turned around as if he was the devil and told me she was mean as hell and was evil. He said out of the 11 years they did not speak for 3 years. He said if she finds out about you she will call you. I just did not think about that. She is 60 and he is 57. She is on the Chamber of Commerce, and several volunteering jobs for the city. She is known in the city in which they live. That was puzzleing to me. I changed the subject.. I could go on on on about this and I hope you get my picture. My sister and my brother in law go to church with this person. He kept wanting for me to allow him to tell my brother in law. He said that over and over. I wondered why?
To make a long story short….I was idealized, devalued and discarded after 5 months. I had gone on a short weekendtrip and he would tell me he love me on the phone and then turn right around and get mad and say he was going somewhere with this other girl just to be hurtful. He came back home early and called me as if nothing had happened. He told me he thought we could be very happy. I was the kind of woman he had prayed to God to come into his life. I was it. He told me he was now ready to grow old with me by his side. I then asked about the other girl and he said she just hangs around because she likes to f##k as much as he does but it is not really any good. I thought….why are you telling me this…..just to hurt me. He started that business about her calling me and telling me stuff that was not true . This same weekend I was gone I did not hear from him until about 2:30. He texted me…..How would you like to have me in your life forever? I just told my adult kids I love and I want to married you. I have told ……I do not love her. I love you and we are going to be together. I called and I could hear yelling in the background. I hung up. About an hour after that I called and his words to me were I am so glad to hear your voice. You are the calming force in my life. I have such peace with you. Everything a girl would want to hear….he said it. Later that afternoon….he told me he was going to be with woman again tonight after saying all of that stuff to me. I am naïve. I couldn’t understand. Why would he do this to hurt me. What had I ever done to him for him to be so mean to me. I was sucker punched. I had never experienced this kind of behavior before. No clue what it was. I returned home the next day and I got a text that once again says he wants me and he has told his children and they are happy for him. He said he told this gal again also. Everything is alright. He then text me and said I know this is not how you would want it ,,,,,but would you marry me? He told me I did not have to answer him right now because we needed to be together to talk about it. Two hours later….he texted and told me it was over. I never sent anything back. I left it alone. He did not contact me but I checked my phone every 5 min..nothing until 9 days later. I was in the grocery store. The text went like this: I am now in a relationship but I think of you often and I care about you. He said he might be getting married soon because he has had a role reversal. He ask me to meet him on the upcoming Friday. My text went like this. I hope you will be very happy…..I wish you well. He: from now on don’t text me. I will text you because she checks my phone. I have got to go now and delete this conversation. Remember ….don’t text me….I will text you about Friday. ily. Me; I cant believe you allow her to check your phone…..he said that is the way it has always been with her. He said I told your stories about that. NO he did not. He did say she could get this number and call me. ME; If she does….I am calling you. end of text. Never heard from him again. 1 month and 1 day of no contact. My story is like everyone elses. I do have questions I am hoping someone could help with,….
1) what is the part is lady has played for 11 years. They are now living together and all over f/b about how great their relationship is. He wrote a comment: I am really liking this relationship….calmness and happiness. She is a known person in our town. Do he think he will be someone too if he is with her?
2) Why would a 57 year old tough guy have to show his girlfriend his cellphone?
3) He wanted to tell my brother in law he wanted to marry me? Why
4)Did he tell his children that he wanted to married me and did he tell the woman he wanted to marry me. What changed in two hours and how and why did it change?
5) He has no DL. Supended for 8 years because of criminal record.
6) Did he not even care about what he was doing to me. He never asked me for money but he did tell me the other person could take care of him. I got money too.
7)She is all over facebook with her status changed to in a relationship but his does not say that. He is single. I surprised she has not made him change that.
8) He told me she stole two Viagra tablets from him. He was going to use them on her. He took two with me. One is missing. He could have use it on someone else.
9) I have found out he was talking to two others and this other woman while talking with me. I had no clue.
10) How in the hell did I end up here? I am not upset with him…..I hate her because it seems she took him away from me. I even left my counseling sessions because I got angry with her because she told me I should not be angry with her…..it is him that did the damage. I got mad and told her I was not coming back. I could really use her help. Too prideful on my part.
I am asking for someone to please try to answer these questions I have. Everyone’s story is the same but the way it makes the victims feel is different. I am a mess.
@becky
These are just my best guesses and obviously aren’t scientific lol…
1) what is the part is lady has played for 11 years. They are now living together and all over f/b about how great their relationship is. He wrote a comment: I am really liking this relationship….calmness and happiness. She is a known person in our town. Do he think he will be someone too if he is with her?
>She’s the only one who doesn’t leave. She thinks that means he is as loyal to her as her love is for him. It doesn’t; she’s just the only one willing to stay in spite of everything. He would’ve left her regardless if she didn’t also have her usefulness in helping to hide his disastrous reputation.
2) Why would a 57 year old tough guy have to show his girlfriend his cellphone?
>That’s her one “control” trump card. This is the dance they do to pretend he’s not doing what she knows he is so she can lie to herself and he can patronize her by pretending she has a voice in his activities. It might even be a game that challenges and amuses him.
3) He wanted to tell my brother in law he wanted to marry me? Why
>Your husband’s brother? To irritate him and cause you drama. A useful side benefit would be you believing he is legitimizing your relationship.
4)Did he tell his children that he wanted to married me and did he tell the woman he wanted to marry me. What changed in two hours and how and why did it change?
>No. He never told any of his people anything. Telling you so was a ruse to see if YOU would jump. You didn’t jump fast enough or high enough. The long-term woman is more manipulatable; you were deemed too much effort. He would/will leave her if he could find the perfect combination of naivete, short memory, money, prestige, appearance and enjoyable sex.
5) He has no DL. Supended for 8 years because of criminal record.
6) Did he not even care about what he was doing to me. He never asked me for money but he did tell me the other person could take care of him. I got money too.
>He is a trainwreck. He can’t even understand his own thoughts enough to care about you and yours. He performs what he knows and that has been learned and perfected through repetition and minor adjustments. He’s not capable of being much more than what you already know about him, unfortunately. He didn’t ask you for money YET. You didn’t get past the first test, which was completely selfless and foolish generosity. If you had been more apologetic and responsive, he would’ve moved you to the next stages.
7)She is all over facebook with her status changed to in a relationship but his does not say that. He is single. I surprised she has not made him change that.
>There are likely many things she can’t say or ask for. Due to their dynamic, she understands the “rules”. In her position, she would know there are only so many demands she can make before she is deemed “too much effort” also. She is wishful thinking as well as trying to drive away competition. Futile, in this case.
8) He told me she stole two Viagra tablets from him. He was going to use them on her. He took two with me. One is missing. He could have use it on someone else.
>Not enough info for analysis. But I doubt she is stealing his tablets, unless she thinks it might prevent him from having sex with another. Another futility.
9) I have found out he was talking to two others and this other woman while talking with me. I had no clue.
>Common tale. For every two you know about, there are likely half a dozen more in different stages of “relationship” with him. Many, many leave, causing him to have to find replacements.
10) How in the hell did I end up here? I am not upset with him…..I hate her because it seems she took him away from me. I even left my counseling sessions because I got angry with her because she told me I should not be angry with her…..it is him that did the damage. I got mad and told her I was not coming back. I could really use her help. Too prideful on my part.
>I think most are somewhat angry with the OW (or other person). While you are hating her though, you are not hating him, which means you are hopeful what happened isn’t what you think it is, that your relationship is salvageable, and that the excitement and whirlwind isn’t over. You ended up here, however, because deep down, you know the real truth. Take your time in working through it. You have a right to be angry and feel abused. Just know that it has nothing to do with you not being enough, or you doing something wrong. You actually did many things right.
Jusagirl, excellent explanation. I found out my soc had a “lap dog” girlfriend for 16 years, that hung in there no matter how many times he dumped her because he found the real “love of his life”. She just patiently waited for his latest relationship to end and for him to come back to her.,
OMG Jusa, Your answer to number 2 was a new A-Ha moment for me. Spot on. That was me. It was how i kept ignoring the red flags because i kept checking his phone and couldn’t find anything therefore i could hang onto that maybe it WAS me after all and not him.
I did find a few things early on but he soon learnt to get better at it.. as you said “a challenge to amuse him” and sometimes he would want me to find things to help in his triangulation game. He would also keep things there to put me off track. I remember once him showing me a text from the ex wife, I said to him that she looks like she is answering something you have said. His reply: I told you she was crazy, she even talks to herself. The truth was, she was answering a text he had written but deleted. Ugh! How disgusting he is
Sweet freedom, that is my ex soc’s ex wife. I still feel the desire to tell her that he is a sociopath. So that she can arm herself. Trust me, although i feel sorry for her, it is not her that I woudl be doing it but for her 2 girls that I became very close too. My heart goes out to them. They are just pawns in his game.
Hi Jusa & Becky 🙂
Great answers Jusa, perfect really & well said 🙂
Becky, welcome to this wonderful site & the amazing people here 🙂
You are not alone so, keep asking & getting answers & above all else, realise this was never about you, it’s all about the Soc & they are self motivated & selfish.
@ Jusa, another epiphany (yep, have had many of late 😉
I truly believe all Soc’s have abandonment issues, so the woman that will stay with them regardless of what the do is a keeper 😦
They hate being alone & thereby are always planning the escape, they literally ‘leave before they arrive.’
Once they ascertain that you wouldn’t stay when they reveal themselves fully & I mean the ‘mask is off’, then they are off like a shot & disappear as if they are vapour!
They only hang around to tease & game us as the ‘keeper’ woman is not enough for supply but, good enough to accept the unacceptable 😦
They always have a ‘fall back plan’ when they run the race with us.
It’s more about their awareness of them ‘not being normal, thereby they fake it to make it’ as society would never accept them as they truly are.
Unfortunately their disability cannot be seen, like we see the blind or deaf or other’s, they have to remain hidden in fear of themselves being detected & not accepted.
Let’s face it, if we knew what they were when we first met them, they wouldn’t stand a chance with us 😉
We meet them as real & authentic & they have to pretend to be real & authentic so, that would be an awful existence.
It’s just a shame, we have to suffer for their affliction.
I’m all for helping the disadvantaged & disabled people among us but, there’s a difference in helping someone that deserves is or someone that is using our kindness to gain the upper hand!
Inevitably, what you give, you receive so, if they keep ‘dishing out’ pain, it will dish right back at them & so the cycle goes.
If you give out negative, you get it right back!
Stay positive, even through all of this.
Never allow the Soc to steal your outlook & positivity, no matter what, the cost is priceless & they can’t afford us 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. My Soc has a lap dog for 35 years & counting 😦 poor woman, can you imagine what her mind is like 😦 😦 not to mention the new one 😦 :(……abuse, betrayal, mistrust, who want’s that in their life, NOT ME 🙂
I just got Eliza Doolittle New Album, In your hands & here are the lyric’s to her song ‘Checkmate’….no video yet, she’s amazing…
“Checkmate”
Just a little boy in a big girls land,
Playin’ at being king I took my kingdom back,
Throwing arrows at the window,
But they’re not getting in though,
You made a move too late,
And now you’re in checkmate
Bugging like a fly against my window pane,
Pain is what you gave me when you left that day,
That day I made a promise,
To raise my fisty cuffs,
You won’t fool me twice,
Once is quite enough
Cause you’re just a little boy in a big girls land,
Playin’ at being king I took my kingdom back,
Throwing arrows at the window,
But they’re not getting in though,
You made a move too late,
And now you’re in checkmate
Someone stupid told me that romance was dead,
They took him to the tower and cut off his head,
But I don’t believe it,
And I’ve got the proof,
Standing right beside me,
When I compare him to you
You’re just a little boy in a big girls land,
Playin’ at being king I took my kingdom back,
Throwing arrows at the window,
But they’re not getting in though,
You made a move too late,
And now you’re in checkmate
[x2]
Oh you’re never gonna make it over these walls of mine
You should runaway,
Cause you’ll never get past me and my army, my army,
Yea you should runaway,
Cause you’ll never get past me and my army, my army,
Yea you should runaway,
Cause you’ll never get past me and my army, my army,
You should runaway,
Cause you’ll never get past me and my army, my army
You’re just a little boy in a big girls land,
Playin’ at being king I took my kingdom back,
Throwing arrows at the window,
But they’re not getting in though,
You made a move too late,
And now you’re in checkmate
PR xoxo
I have had no contact for 1 month and 14 days. I have blocked the S on F/B and on my phone. I had a very difficult day today. My mind wonders and had endless chatter and to know it was all false just blows my little mind. I could never return the S because of the hurt inflicted upon me. I stay busy and try not to think about it. I ask that you please read my questions above again. The answers from jusagurl and others were right on. I get it. I understand it. I still have a questions in my mind about the part the OW plays. Someone said I was the OW and I may have been. I do not know, OW has been in his life all these years….why ….if he plays these games. Does he play the same game with her? How does she live with such madness? One more thing…..it is hard for me to know nothing I said to him matters and I do not know if he remembers it according to some posts here. Please do not say I want the OW to leave and he returns to me. That is not it. I have abandonment issues to begin with and now this happens. I have tried not to allow this to not dictate my life but must be honest….it is right now. I am a dweller. Not only on this matter but on everything. I am working on this too.
I wish I could answer your questions, ive been there too, searching but have never found the answers. My ex partner was married and left his wife, wanted to wake up ever day with me, get married, constant phone calls, texts, lots of attention, etc. It felt great. He had an affair many years ago and his wife took him back but I thought I was different but he would bring her up often and as I only found out recently he went back to her again. These men lie constantly and start believing their own lies. I spoke to a conseller who told me that they believe what they say at that time but only then!! I have researched this behaviour and can only conclude that these men need to have a security blanket, a mother type they feel they can always fall back on. I think the other woman is probably attentive to their every whim with their own insecurities too, they need and put up with the bullying, disgusting behaviour and they feed off each other. I have been through being devastated, then anger and hatred and now 3 months on, I now feel that we will never understand what goes through their heads, they have no feelings for the destruction they have caused, the most frightening bit is it seems they don’t have the capacity to care and disgard and move on without a thought. Don’t be in a mess, my thoughts still fill my head most of the day and I really don’t want to give him the satisfaction as im sure its all forgotten for him. It is hard but you have to believe that you have had a lucky escape it is him that is in the wrong, not you or the other woman, we do feel stupid, foolish and taken advantage off but really we do not need people like this in our lives we deserve so much better. I hope like me you will start to come out the other side a stronger and more confident in yourself. Ive taken great comfort in reading this site and researching sociopaths, it hurts to maybe think they didn’t mean anything they said but it also helps to know that it is them that are sick and they all behave the same with no empathy for others. Be strong and take one step at a time, try not to torture yourself with the past and think of the future, it does get better day by day. Take care of yourself xx
@ Becky, In relation to number ten, my advice is to go back to your counselor, she seems like a smart woman. I agree with her. The other woman has been lied to and manipulated like you were. She may not be completely innocent but if her relationship with him has been going for 11 years then unfortunately, you are the other woman, not her. What he has told you is not the truth… read your own words. He jumped from i love you and only you to jumping in to bed with her and then back again… ummm that is not love… that is seriously F#$#ed up. The other woman would have been told similar about you. SO why be angry at her? she is more a victim than you are as she has been in his web for over a decade. He is the arse in this picture.
Read as much as you can on this. The more you read, including everyone’s comments, the more you will realise what you have been lucky enough to escape by only being trapped for 6 months. It may not feel like it now because understandably you hurt like hell. Read as much as you can. Until it starts to sync in that he really is a sociopath/narcisist or borderline (if that is what he is) and that it is not you (nor her) but him.
It seems to me that someone saying what they see from an outside point of view, would probably be a good thing. Just remember, your counsellor has nothing to gain.
@jusagurl. Amen to what you said!!
He likes to make out his partner of 11 years is crazy and insecure to justify what he is doing do to make her look like the mad one in the relationship. Also, when you start to question things, he starts to make you think you are just like this women and it is all part of their crazy making.
Btw, I saw that you mentioned that you are a wife of 1. Did you cheat on your partner with this man?
@ It is done, don’t tell the new woman, she’ll think your nuts 🙂
The Soc will turn it to his advantage, & say “see, I told you she was loopy la la” it drives the OW crazy & she will believe him anyday over a complete stranger, let alone another woman who she thinks wants her man!!! Eewww 😉
Let her have him & wish her the best, she will need it & I feel very sorry for any woman in our situation. After all, we were all OW’s (unknowingly) & are now Ex’s…(yay)…& we know what they are doing, some never will & they will end up at the psychiatrist or on meds, trying to figure out what is wrong with them….hopefully they’ll find this site or one like it 🙂
P.S. My Soc has two phones, two jobs etc…so, check the phone cause they will always have a back-up one you don’t know about. Two emails, two addresses. Yep mine had all the bases covered!
HI PR,
How are you coping with your heat wave down in Melbourne? For once, Sydney has escaped it! although I am sitting here in my underwear as it is still in the mid 30’s.
I would never contact the new woman. Have no desire to even know who she is. I want nothing to do with him! I was talking about the ex wife. And it would not be for her benefit but for their children. I came to love those two beautiful girls, although I think the younger one is going to end up a soc, the elder one is a beautiful soul that will unfortunately be very damaged by her father. I think that if I let the mother know then maybe there is hope for them both (the children). But what holds me back is that she was (not sure if she still is) was still very firmly in the grasp of the arsehole. Plus, I have come very far in my healing and I really dont’ want anything to do with him or have any reminder of him. But I do care about those little ones. I never even got to say goodbye. If i thought that the ex wife would listen then i would do it as this one is not about me but the girls. But I dont’ think she would listen. So i haven’t and I wont. But it plays on my mind still.
I actually assumed in the end that he must have had another phone and other email address that I couldn’t find.
OMG, sooooo hot, 44 degrees!
I am on the phone to centrelink (oh joy) but, air conditioner is belting out but, struggling to keep cool 😦
Still at least I’ve got some & I’ve watered my dog because, he won’t come inside as he’s in love with his bone 😉 won’t bring it in & guards it like it’s gold (lol)….He’s a black Pomeranian & looks like a bear 🙂 very cute & deaf so, happy that God spared him my voice (lol),
I tried to tell the ex (never divorced) but, the Soc’s grown children shut that down quick smart 😦
She thinks I’m nuts & god knows my trying to expose him probably made me appear that way???
Your Soc’s children will be okay but, they will grow up either like their father or their mother so, depends on who they are like?
My Soc has three adult children & two are definitely his enablers & the eldest is more like her Mum (I think) he kept me away from the eldest & I mainly dealt with his cohorts (surprise, surprise!).
He actually told me his eldest was his favourite because she was the nicest but, the younger two were fools (really)…yep, he said his second daughter was conniving & his son needed to be helped to scratch himself!
I know it stinks to see the innocent parties affected but, there is nothing you can do so, just move forward with your life & if you ever meet them, show them what a great role model you truly are for getting on with your life & making it a great one 🙂
How’s it going otherwise with you?
Have a look at Louise Hay’s affirmations & really absorb them into your soul, it will help you achieve your goal 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR
All good here. Some airconditioning would be good. Not in my current flat unfortunately, but it’s in a good position so it’s rarely needed.
Will do my next transfer in a few weeks. It’s the last one with his DNA so if it takes great, if not – great. It’s a win win situation.
Currently on a health kick (a permanent one). Been reading up on TCM and changed my diet. Have done some reading on wheat recently and am giving it up for good… unfortunately that means no Tim Tams – Ever! OMG!!!!! I think that will be harder than giving up the coffee and Alcohol that i have given up successfully!
Be well xx
Thanks It Is Done 🙂
No more Tim Tams (OMG) now that’s what I call strong 😉
I am off wheat also 🙂 & I don’t have dairy etc…moderate alcohol & no sugar! Argh but, once you get used to it, it becomes easier 🙂
I try to eat raw vege’s & fruit etc…I don’t eat processed food’s much but, have my treat’s on special occasions 🙂 I eat meat/chicken/fish for protein & not many carbs so, got the full health kick going as well 🙂
I am also a huge advocate of ‘The Billings Method’ & had two planned pregnancies & used no contraception & basically studied my cycle & knew my body well. I have 5 years between my children. My children are 16 & 21 now so, that was many years ago but, I believe the theory is still out there?
I didn’t have my first child until I was 29 & fell in on the 2nd try & for my second child, I fell in on the 1st try so, all I did was look after myself & really understand how I worked. Everyone works differently.
Good luck & keep trying to achieve your goal & don’t give up unless you have too?
Another hot day tomorrow….melting 😉
Keep well & peace to you 🙂
Love PR xoxo
I did not know I was the other woman,until we had been dating about two months. I can’t believe how naive, trusting and down right stupid I was. He even proudly showed me his long time girlfriends breakdown text messages, she was crying, threatening suicide, having panic attacks, etc. because once again he had dumped her for someone new, I was disgusted at her behavior, and her begging him and kissing ass, anything to get him back…but this was before I knew what madness and evil I had hooked up with. If I could save her now I would. He of course made her out to be crazy, on meds, etc. Oh how it all is clear now. He told me he kept her around to help with errands, watch tv with, etc.that they were just friends. But now he had found his soulmate….me. I knew deep down something was wrong with this pic, but I fell into his trap.
I didn’t know that i was the other woman either. He told me he had left his wife in February. I met him in November. He moved into a new apartment in December. Near the end of our 22 month relationship, I came to realise that he broke up with her in the December when he moved. He never moved out before he met me.
Of course she was crazy, the way that she was behaving 10 months after break up was ridiculous. This woman was completely deluded! Who behaved that way 10 months later? He showed me the texts, played me all the rantings on the phone. Poor him, she just wont let go. She was INSANE!
ummmm, no she wasn’t. She had just had her heart ripped out and her husband had been cheating on her AGAIN for over a month but this time left her for the new woman… ummm I was the new woman.
UGH! how horrible for her. How horrible for me. I would never have gone out with him if i had known.
Funnily enough it was my sister in law that said to me the ex’s reactions to the break up seemed like they were brand new and she questioned me to as to how sure i was that they broke up in February. She was never convinced. She was right!
Hi Sweet 🙂
We all fell into the trap but, take heart that we are out of it & some other poor woman is stuck in the web of deceit & betrayal. We are the lucky ones really as he didn’t devour us completely, some aren’t so lucky 😦
Stay on top of the heap, your an ex for a reason, you were too good for him & they can’t stand the competition 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. My Soc made me call one of the OW’s to confirm they were finished & I knew her & had heard it from her lips so, I rang to say I was considering dating him & she went ballistic & told me I could have him 😦
She told me he was a predator etc….I told him I wasn’t into that game etc…so, he left me alone for about six months then returned to say, he still wanted to see me & had been alone etc….the OW was long gone (she was) but, the other one wasn’t…..I had no idea what I was dealing with. I was flattered as my marriage just ended & so began 10 years of torture with the Soc 😦
I lost two friends & my credibility but, I have since apologised to the OW I contacted (17 years his senior & old enough to be his mother by the way, same age!!!) She was a good looking woman & he had chased her from when she was married to his good mate (he passed away) so, he went widow hunting….he loves a funeral, picked up the latest OW at one.
Can you see the pattern. He came to my fathers funeral & tried to pick up my girlfriend. She was too embarrassed & scared to tell me in case, it caused a problem for her & I. What a complete malevolent little a’hole this man is!
Still, I am standing stronger than ever & recently had a guy confess his love for me but, he’s married so, I will never ever go there.
The sisterhood needs to remember to hold their ground & knickers…unavailable is definitely a ‘No Contact’ area!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. At least I’ve still ‘got it’ Whatever ‘It,’is 😉
This person has been a great friend for years & I’ve always admired & fancied him 🙂
PRO: yep, my Spath had 2 phones. One for “work” and other for “personal”. Always did since I knew him. I actually believe there was a 3rd phone as I saw a couple of photos of him showing of the screen of another phone. Weird man lol. He had numerous email accounts.
A few months into our relationship, he added me to google maps so we can track where each of us was. I now look back and think that perhaps this was a control thing. I thought it was cute and wonderful back then but not now. I did check it a lot as well to see where he was. One day when it was his sisters wedding, he blocked me for the day so I couldn’t see his location. Weird considering that I actually gave him money to put towards the wedding. I wasn’t invited either but I had only known him for under a year so I didn’t mind. Then, one day he blocked me. This went on for 2 weeks. I asked him why he blocked me for so long. We got into a huge argument and he deleted me. He was acting really, really odd at this stage and I knew something wasn’t right with him. Just vibes I was getting. I pushed and pushed as it was affecting our relationship. Turns out that he was in trouble with the police for pointing a gun to a women’s head at an ATMS and demanding money. He was with a few others as well. He denied it. Explains why he blocked me as well, he didn’t want me to see where he was or what he was up too. I supported him throughout all of that saga. It went on for a year with me by his side and not telling anybody. Then I find out that same year about his betrayal and it was like a slap in the face. Here I was supporting him during an ordeal and not questioning his innocence and he was cheating. Absolute wanker.
Yep, mine had three phones at one point & years ago, I found out he’s called a girlfriend of mine to ‘chat her up’ & he denied it etc…so, I said show me your phone, why did you call her?
He said he was ringing a girl in the typing pool at work, same name as he needed some documents typed up blah blah….he’s a commander in the fire brigade….he showed me the two names (same) & said he’d rung the wrong one & apologised. I was having trouble with my girlfriend as she was an alcoholic so, thought she was jealous (long story) etc….I only twigged recently that when you change phone companies & port your numbers across, they duplicate so, everyone comes up twice (hence two with same name) I wasn’t quick enough back them to say show me the actual numbers (doh!)….He had all the answers etc….
As for not getting invited to occasions, he didn’t invite me to his 50th birthday bash as it was supposed to be a surprise etc….but, now I know why as he had someone else there & his ex….he took great delight in showing me the pictures etc….& I didn’t realise the friend in the pictures etc…group shots was an OW, he said it was his friends wife blah blah…always an answer for his BS.
I tried to escape then as I didn’t like living like that & that’s when he got all his fireman friends to call me one night & tell me they’d never seen him like that & would I give him another chance….great manipulation here & when he turned up, I was putty in the wankers hands!!! LOL.
Mine was a nail biter & Louise Hays says that’s guilt eating away & insecurity (ya think)….LOL …
@ It is done,
I never knew I was the OW (one of three apparently) & he was still living with his ex when I came on the scene (no idea) so, he played the game til the end. He wanted the house so, he forced her out via the triangulation & tortured that poor woman by telling her about the OW’s 😦
He said he never loved his wife of 25 years 😦 & that if she wouldn’t give up smoking, he wouldn’t give up OW’s!!!
I said, that’s not a reason to leave a marriage because, your partner smokes but, he tells everyone that’s why. Even the new OW got that line of rubbish 😦 such a horrible man….’Something Wicked This Way Comes’, why didn’t I heed that warning???? LOL heeding it now!
Hi again everyone! I love the people on this site and am grateful to have found it especially now that my S and I decided to end our marriage last night. Getting past and undoing the 23 years of damage he has done to me is going to be a long, long, and very hard road. I’m going to be needing this site and the support from the people on it. I have a problem with navigating this site though, it’s very difficult. I made a post around Jan. 7 and have not been able to find it to go back to it, I find navigation very confusing. There was a post in particular to in response to mine that was really helpful and now I can’t find it to re-read it. Can anyone help please?
Do you mean difficulty finding posts or comments HM?
To find a post, there is a search facility, you just type in the name of the post.
To find a comment is more difficult. Especially on this particular post, as it are so many responses. Are you looking for a comment to a post, or an actual post?
Am happy that you have found a supportive environment in which you feel safe.
Is it one of your own comments that you are looking for? …
Awww so sorry to hear that you have endured for 23 years but, so pleased to hear you are now FREE 😉 🙂 Yay You.
The liberation you will feel is amazing but, will take time to trawl through all the damage but, you can do it.
You have journeyed for 23 years so, you are amazingly resilient so, just do all the stuff recommended & really focus on yourself & your life from this moment on 🙂
We cannot change the past but, it has changed us & you 🙂 for the better as you will have grown so wise through your pain.
Ok so, re comments. At the bottom of these posts you will see ‘older comments’. Click on that & then you will have to scroll through the dates shown on each post until you find Jan 7th & related replies.
Hope that helps 🙂
Stay strong & brave & remember, you are worthy & beautiful & thankfully you have arrived here where your safe with us 🙂
Over 1 week of no contact – yay!!! hehe. I have no desire to contact him at this stage 😀 I think receiving that message from his ex-wife has helped a lot. Even though I didn’t respond to her, it was nice to hear from someone that he was suppose to have loved as well confirming that he isn’t a good man.
Although, I think he has tried to get me to make contact with him. Only my suspicions of course. He changed his profile picture to something that meant something to us both within our relationship. Also, sent a “test contact” message, which people randomly do on blackberry’s that are actually completely useless and, I personally think, it is a way for the person to get people to respond to them.
This forum has helped a lot as well. I just keep thinking that I always feel like crap and anxious when I talk to him.
Remember, they say the same things to us all & the OW in my story got the same ‘love bombing’ lines I got because, they work! You think that what they say is exclusive to you but, in my case if the line works etc…it gets used over & over 😦
Remember how he makes you feel & deal with that as that’s the truth unfortunately & a real man, doesn’t do the stuff a Soc does remember that!
Your doing so well, don’t undermine yourself by thinking he want’s contact because, he does but it’s just for more supply & gaming. They cannot leave anything alone if they haven’t let it go…they don’t like being ‘shut down’. They like to do the shutting & get really ‘pissed’ if you do it. Like having the last word etc….childish til the end.
Stay Strong, it’s hard but, the prize is worth it & you are the PRIZE! 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Ex well done you for one week of no contact. You will find that as you move forward that you can start to relax knowing that they are not going to give you anymore drama, turning your world upside down. Yes it is painful, but also it is like having a piece of blank white paper…. you can begin to create your life the way that you want to
Sounds like he is playing stupid games with the changing his profile photo (block him and you don’t have to see that) – and the test contact was to get your attention too. Well done you for a week…. as your time moves on you will gain in strength 🙂 🙂
“I always feel like crap and anxious when I talk to him.”
That’s an important fact I keep going back to in my deal. In my mind, I had these feelings whenever our several-times-aday chats or texts occurred. He would ALWAYS say something that got me all twisted inside, or I would have to ball him out for saying such mean, negative things all the time. It was exhausting. I prayed for it to go away, and now that he’s got someone new to gaslight and love bomb, all I can say is thankyou “universe”!
My last take on this, in a different thread, was how I made the decision to finally, once and for all, begin to date others. Hell, at least just the act of putting myself out there on various dating sites had made me feel better. Ironically, a chat that began only last weekend nosedived into oblivion when I called this person out on his suspicious GQ pic he uses on this site, and the fact that I wasn’t calling him a liar, but he was coming on way strong with “would you be the one to build a new life/house together with me in Chelsea, England?” WTF? We hadn’t even talked on the phone yet, much less met. I dunno, it came across as phony and I simply said “ok, here’s an instant shot of me from my comp. send me one of you with bed-head” LOL! Ugh- his attitude in his text was cold and dismissive, and he never emailed since then. Did I just bust another psychopath in the making? Weird
But I don’t want to disway anyone from meeting new folks. It surely doesn’t dampen my spirits because I already knew there are plenty of weird ones out there. Someone mentioned above that you become maybe too hyper-sensitive and untrusting after dealing with these spaths, but I don’t think so. Even if you have had many relationship troubles and such, I think that shows that you just don’t put up with bullsh!t for very long. And there are plenty of bullsh!tters out there. I have no patience for rudeness, ego, etc. Why I dumped my spath so early on in our deal, but he always came back and played the game with me better and stronger, only to have the mask fall off once again leading me/us to fall into either NC or long, drawn out emails he used to take the time to send. I saved many of his emails under a folder labeled “unbelievably sh!tty” just so I can revisit the drivel he used to try and control me as well.
Mine never had two phones, but he did have many emails, one handle was “adononis26@blah blah- I should’ve known right there what a prick he thought of himself. I didn’t realise adonis had a double chin! HA! But I soon learned of not only his messed-up behavior but also a bad family dynamic, one he warned me of and I got to experience many times through him bitching about it. I felt sorry for him, coming from a fairly normalized family and lots of love from my mom esp.
Why I miss her so much, how gracious she was with even him, and he dare say mean things about her! Oh HELL no, I would say, you don’t ever speak ill of her! But he had no exceptions, all except for his on self and how great he is! T-total prick. But, I think it’s just as important to really think about and be aware of HOW your “love” makes you feel. I would do anything to have put a stop to this much sooner, but I fell into the well. These spaths are just very cunning, so I don’t beat myself up for what’s happened, or even my latest transgression with him just the other day! NC will come back to me, I really had to just have a little more time with licking my wounds and not allowing him to make me feel any way he wants to. I control that now, atleast….
I would like to thank all that responded to my posts. It has now been 1 month and 2 days of n/c. I know I need to return to my therapist. She is very smart. I did not want to hear what she said about me being angry about this other woman. I felt he was mine and if she was not around…everything would have been fine. It would have not been because he can not and did not feel for me. I do not know if any others feel like me but I am not to a point I feel anger towards him. Sick I know. I do not see how he and the OW have maintain a relationship over the last 11 years of she is as mean and evil as he says she is. I am not sure what kind of relationship it is really. I have so many ?’s but all the answers will be the same as all of yours. I know this to be true. Someone asked….did I cheat? I did. I am ashamed. I ask for continued help from all of you. I got in way over my head to something that was way bigger than anything I have ever experienced. I did not see it coming. Bam….I was sucked right up. Please if you have ideas that could help me move on…please by all means….I will want to hear them.
Hi Becky, I want you to know that 1 month and 2 days, is still early days, and things are going to feel raw. They likely would if you had split with someone who was ‘normal’. I know that you say that you are not at the point where you feel anger. This is normal too, as you are still in early days and coming to terms with everything. The first stage of the grieving and healing process, is ‘denial’ this doesn’t mean that you deny what has happened, more that you go into a period of shock, and the question of ‘why’ a fog of confusion. It can take a while to process everything that has happened to you. Just take it easy on yourself. Try to forgive yourself too, and realise that time is your best friend. Try to treat yourself as your very best friend. We all make mistakes in life, all of us, and sometimes choosing to give our heart to someone who is not right for us, even this can take some element of forgiveness. Feeling betrayed, can be heartbreaking, and the worst kind of feeling.
I promise you that you will feel better, as time goes on. As you allow more ‘life’ into your world, you will grow. The more life that comes into your world, the smaller he will become to you. This is all part of the process of ‘letting go’. But it can be difficult to let go when we are still trying to work through things. It sounds to me, like this is where you are at right now. Try to do one thing each day to make you smile. Write a list of things that are special and unique about you. Write a list of things that you want to achieve in life. Try to bring into your world, some things that are about you, that make you feel happy. Or even smile.
Thank you positive girl for your words. I really don’t know where I am. Had a difficult day today. One month and 14 days have now passed and nc. This is hard for me to comprehend. I am 55 years old and show know better. I am so ashamed. People that marry the S …..I do not see how they live. It is certainly a life I could not live.
I do have my phone, email, facetime, facebook blocked so he cannot contact me. I have her blocked also on facebook. For a few days after the goodbye I left my f/b open. I saw all of their happiness right there in from of me and it was way too painful for me. I could not deal with seeing that everyday. I had to block. I mentioned he wanted to tell my brother in law about us….it was my sister’s husband. Not that it matters who it was…what was the need to tell it.
Hey true blue, don’t give yourself a hard time. It is not that you allowed ‘him’ into your life. You allowed someone who was masking a persona to be who you wanted to see. You didn’t allow that into your life, he jumped in and manipulated you…. if he had told you what he was really like when you first met him, I am sure that you wouldn’t have allowed it to happen.
@ TrueBlue – it’s NOT your fault! They are manipulative and know what to say to suck you in, then take over your life and control you by drama and isolation. Everyone on this site has been through this – so you’re in a great place, because we all understand.
@trueblue, what we allowed was we thought was love. What we learned is that on a relationship love have to be reciprocal, that we will allow to love, but we will allow to be loved back. Forgive yourself, remain strong, better days are ahead
@becky
How the NS leaves you, is how the NS leaves everyone. It’s their MO. So how you were left, is how the NS will leave their current victim. No one is special, or except, Unless they are the “enabler” and who wants to be the lifetime victim. Not I! I have watched my ex, cycle through 2 relationships after me, he is about to dump the current, same exact way. I almost feel bad, for them. Except they make my life hell. So too bad. In time your pain will lessen because you will heal, where did I read it? I can’t remember, anger is a form of denial, I think it was a child rearing book, I think anger covers several true emotions.
My ex husband left after 19 years & I’m still chasing him 10 years later.
If it hadn’t been for him , I would never have met the Soc!
Our car was leased & he stopped the payments so, I had to sell it to get rid of the debt. The Soc had two jobs, a fireman & car dealer & I was referred by a friend to him via his mistress…argh!!!
I had to sell my home, my car etc…without the support of my parents, I would have been ruined 😦
My ex is still angry that I got to keep most of the sale money after all his debt’s were cleared so, punishes me by withholding child support! He hasn’t filed a tax return for over 10 years so, govt agencies cannot collect from him! He works cash-in-hand now so, really hard to prove his income. He still gambles, drinks & smokes whilst we struggle.
Great guys aren’t they & then I had to top off that fool with the Sociopath!…..Still standing & getting stronger & the benefits of staying strong are paying off in other ways.
My daughter told me last night that, ‘I am her greatest role model & she is so glad that she is ‘mini-me’ & not her father’.
My son told me recently that,’ he thinks I’m an amazing Mum’ & he wasn’t hungry! LOL
WOW!! Now THAT is the greatest compliment ever!! The children make it so worth it, (at times)!! What the children perceive as they are grow up with their toxic parent, is always amazing as to what their perception becomes into adulthood, (my older boys are angry and still in a abusive environment they refuse to see for what it is). My daughter, 12, actually thanked me for taking care of her this week, (she was hit on her eyebrow bone trying to play lacrosse, by a huge boy, 10 ft away 😡). I was so happy, what 12 year thanks anyone?
As far as the NS – nothing I can do about him. He is the same as always. Thank God he never changes. Lol. I just get annoyed by the fact he always gets away with everything, it’s always the children who suffer. Sigh, we all get our turn in the hot seat. Great thing about life, it’s not a straight road, hopefully he doesn’t see the hairpin turn coming one day!
NIBSIH! 😘
NIBSIH 🙂
Relax, Karma catches up with them, that I can assure you of.
My ex looks terrible & I don’t think he’s very well at all so, his demons have caught up with him big time!
I had a dream the other night about my NS…
I was shopping & his daughter approached me & showed me a photo of the NS on life support.
I didn’t react & she said, you did this & as I looked at the picture, one of the tubes was out but, the rest were attached to OW’s but, mine wasn’t!
Ahhh, now that’s a dream not a nightmare & a message for me that I am no longer a source of supply or life support.
Your son’s will eventually wake up hopefully but, your daughter is still yours so, keep being the fabulous mother you are & it will all be good 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S….I just realised, I can’t spell Phoenix…OMG!!! LOL xoxo
We are “special” to them as long as we have something special that they need (money, sex, a house, control…you name it)…Just give it time and no contact and everything will be better…the scar can be there, but no longer it will hurt and with time it will only mean that we have survived our trip to the hell and were able to get alive and stronger out of the Pinocchio hands..
Now that I am painfully “educated” thru the school of hard knocks of a soc “relationship” and I use that word lightly….I wonder about the near misses and potential disasters of other guys I dated but quickly ran from or they ran..example…guy on second date who gently poked my stomach and told me I look good, but don’t let it get any bigger (my stomach)… guy who texted me the minute I got home from 1st date wanting to “book” me for next sat. night, when I replied “let me get back to you”, angrily responded, “don’t bother, if you have to think about it, forget it!”…guy on second date who said…”how does it feel to be with a guy who finally
“gets you”? And last but not least, mr. disappearing act……we had three great dates, I was so excited….we had a 4th date all planned…he disappeared into thin air just like that. Never heard from him again. Were they just jerks,weirdos, a–holes? Sociopaths? Psychopaths? It’s a tough world out there for single women no matter what your age or the man’s age.
Keep working on healing & truly believing you are worthy of a great person in your life.
The Sociopath is a fool who beleive’s he has everyone fooled so, that makes the Sociopath the biggest fool.
You attract what you give out so, stop & really work on yourself.
I worked out, I attract the jerks etc…because, deep down I didn’t truly love & value myself so, I looked to the wrong men for love. Love is blind & makes you act out of your heart not your head.
Your no mans fool & men sense that & are attracted to the challenge, especially the physcho’s & Soc’s
They want to break the strong heart but, you are to powerful.
Stand your ground, keep your head, don’t give up. You will kiss a lot of toads before you find a frog prince! Lol
I’m only 18 and I just got out of a relationship with my sociopathic boyfriend. I hope this will be the last time, but who knows. We’ve been together for almost 2 years. When I first met him, I was getting out of a bad relationship. He showered me with gifts, took me out to dinner every night, and eventually professed his love to me. He was perfect. I mean completely 100% the perfect boyfriend. Everyone was so jealous of me. After about 4 months, things changed. He gained complete control over me. We hung out every single day, not because he wanted to be with me, but because he didn’t want me to be with anyone else. He started to use some of the secrets I had told him against me. I realize now that he was doing this because he knew it would hurt me the worst. He completely destroyed my confidence. I’ve always been a really confident person, and now I feel completely worthless. He wanted me to be so dependent on him that he was the only thing that could make me feel like I had a purpose in life. He cheated on me. Lied to me about the smallest things. It was never until I threatened to leave that he would apologize and I mean really apologize. He made me all these promises like that he would see a counselor, marry me, move in with me. And I believed him.
About 6 months into our relationship he told me that he likes being dominating during sex, and I agreed to try it. He would hit me. Call me a whore. Say I was his sex slave. And after we tried it the first time, that’s all our sex was. He said it was just an act, but I almost think that’s how he really felt.
He was very emotionally abusive. He would constantly tell me how much of a slut I was and how no one but him could ever love me. I believed it. things never really got physical, unless he was drunk. And then it was pretty scary.
He basically abandoned me and I don’t understand why I’m having a hard time letting him go. Maybe he’s not a sociopath, but he seems to fit the profile. I don’t know what to do. Please help
Another thing about him, is that he has no goals in life. He has no close friends. I’m taking things day by day, it’s honestly so hard to get up in the morning. I’m still hoping he will change, and apologize to me. I just don’t know what to do. My family and friends are great but they don’t really get it. They don’t understand how manipulated I was. Or the fact that he brain washed me into being completely dependent on him.
becca21, the thing is that they cant really change. As the pattern will always repeat. The best would be if you could accept them for who they are. And know who they are. If you wanted that. But it wont get better, and you would always know that they would screw you over at any time should he wish.
Yes – he did brainwash you to be dependent on him completely. Read the post ‘the relationship is over, take me to your drug dealer’….. (do a search) it explains why.
A lot of the earlier posts will explain if you go back to the beginning and go through them. We are here for you.
Hi Becca, I am so sorry that I missed your message. From what you describe, it does sound like you have been with a sociopath. You are having a hard time letting him go, as he deliberately creates dependency – which creates addiction to him. Remember how you said he wanted to be with you all of the time. Not because he wanted to be with you, but because he didn’t want you to be with anyone else. To quit him, you have to go No Contact to get over the addiction. Take one day at a time. Read through posts here, and also comments. I write about coping with the pain of discard. And how to stick to no contact. The more that you allow YOUR life in…. the bigger your world will grow, and the smaller that he will seem 🙂 welcome to the site!
Your friends & family love & support you but, they cannot understand what you have been through & thank-god for that. In order for anyone to ‘get it’ they have to have experienced it.
Hold on to their love & support, you really need them now & they will keep you grounded in real & normal life.
The realm if the Sociopath & the answers & search you are on will play with your mind until you can rationalise & fully comprehend the anormity of the Sociopath & the control/manipulation/brainwashing that we have all been subjected to.
Keep reading, listening, supporting yourself & others. It’s the only way back to you & it’s a damn hard journey. You go to hell & back mentally/physically & spiritually but, you will grow from this pain in ways you never believed possible. The Sociopath is really a test & if you take this experience to it’s bare bones, you will be amazed at the great power of your our self awareness & self respect.
Keep No Contact if you can, it is for the best. You will keep going around the circle of pain if you don’t. This is your journey but, you are not alone & we are all here for you but, ultimately this is your choice so, choose wisely as you deserve a good life & you are worthy of being in an authentic realationship. There is no gain in a relationship with a Sociopath, only loss of yourself.
Be brave & strong.
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
I sit there and think that as well. How could I have been so stupid. I was at the prime of my life really (I guess I still am). While my friends and family were getting married and having children, I was sitting around and waiting and listening to, what would end up being, broken promises. and getting abused when I would question where the relationship was heading. Apart from a bit of time and a couple of meals here and there, I contributed so much towards the relationship. All I walked away with was a hat he got me and a therapist, an empty bank account and low self-esteem. I swear I was the cheapest girlfriend around.
Ditto That Ex…;) We all wasted valuable time on these fools but, don’t waste anymore worry about the time lost. You have plenty of time ahead.
I wasted 10 years so, 50 last year…I have to let that go as it was a huge & long winded lesson…I ‘get it’ now!
He was long winded come to think of it…blah, blah,blah….big wind bag really…like a balloon, let the air out & nothing to show except a limp bit of rubber (lol)…
Yep, definitely lesson learnt, even though it was a hard one to have to learn. Sad that people like this take advantage of our innocent thoughts about love. Sad that we will never look at love the same way either. I believe that something wonderful is bound to happen to all of us for the torment and trauma that was caused by these horrible people.
I am having one of those “hard days”. I feel like money is being spent everywhere this month and finding it hard to keep my head above water with all the bills and expenses that I am paying this month. February will be an easier month thankfully. I just kick myself for giving money to my Spath and I know that I have to stop thinking that way as it is money I will never see again but I will go crazy and bitter if I continue to curse him for my loss. There is so much more to life than money but it can be hard to think that way when it is a hard month financially 🙂
Like you, am treading water financially. Had to have root canal treatment so, that put me back somewhat ;-(
Still, we will make it as we always do, some people have a lot less so, I just hang on & am grateful for what I do have….teeth 😉
It wil get better as time passes & your life is your own & you can plan your expences etc….sometimes its overwhelming & you are not alone.
After my relationship with Pinocchio my financial status is a disaster, I lent money to him (a lot of money) , he signed a contract about this personal loan, but last time we had contact, he kept saying he didn’t owe me. He took one of my credit cards and put in on red numbers, he began to pay it, and then, as always he broke his promise. I am trying to make amends and negotiating with my creditors, when they ask of the reason of my financial burden all I can think is about how naive I was and how easy will be if they understand that I just crashed with a sociopath!
If your creditors don’t understand then, know that we do 🙂
Creditors are big Sociopaths they give you something & want so much more in return.
Just explain your financial position & work out a payment plan that you can afford. Tell them you’ve been ripped off by someone you trusted, it is nothing to be ashamed of as, it happens all the time!!!
But, like Sociopaths, they will make you pay & pay…..
Can someone loan you the money to pay the creditors & then you pay that person back without all the interest etc…???
I just took an overdraft for something the Soc caused for me so, you are never alone but, I am proud of you for surviving & I’m proud of myself too 😉
Keep Going & Create the best life you can, you deserve it!
Thinking of You & sending you a big hug (0) that’s a hug 😉
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@nmi
I know how you feel too!! When my ex politely asked me to leave with my/our 4 children. I had everything in my name. So in the process of our divorce, everything became “my debt” okay 7 years later I (yes, me) paid everything off, even the bills he agreed to pay, I am fighting him in court to pay me back. I WILL GET THAT MONEY BACK BEFORE I DIE DAMMIT, ITS MINE! And it also gains interest yearly, I also get pain and suffering on to it too! Ha! I am a bit angry about this, trying to let go. Hmm no I can’t.
NIBSIH 😡
@nmi
Question? Are any of these purchases authorized on your credit card can be proven they were made by you? If not I would tell NS you will be filing a small claims motion against him to pay you back. Because why would you need X,Y,Z. And ask credit card company to send you the receipt of payments, which would back up any verbal claims this was NOT a gift, it was a loan. And if he doesn’t pay it it will be a theft and he will be charged as so.
If you really need it, go for it accompanied by a person you trust. Remember to take everything that belongs to you, so the process doesn’t have to be repeated.
I would take someone with you to back you up so, that you are not alone with him.
If you must go then, write on a post it note all the things he has made you feel & how betrayed you have been.
On another, write how empowered & strong you are to know the truth & how you deserve so much better than him.
In BIG RED LETTERS, write he’s a SOCIOPATH & this is BUSINESS for him.
Disengage your thoughts & take back your POWER 🙂
Get whatever it is & leave asap & go have a nice drink somewhere to celebrate your strength & freedom 🙂
They love to create ‘ties’ to them so, this is a connection back so, be careful & think with your head not your heart.
Your Heart deserves better so, save it for someone worthy 🙂
Thank you PR! I’m taking the necessary steps to regain not only my sanity, but my financial stability. I know tha we are survivors and better days are happening just because our Pinnichios are far far away. Please keep me on your prayers, the next months will be decisive for me…
PR, I know, right now I’m trying to mend the broken pieces. Nothing will be the same, but I’m sure that will be better.
Right now is better. I don’t have someone using the most horrible words against me, “teaching me a lesson”, saying “I love you, but I can’t be with you because I know who you are”, using my hard earned money for our “home”, a ” home” where he brought another women the same day I went on a business trip. Right now I don’t have to look at the floor to avoid another jealousy episode…Phoenix rising …
.
Good night and a bigger abrazo (hug) to you.
All the charges can be proved, because he lives on the states an I am on an Caribbean island. The charges go to fixes of his car, a
$4, 000 bike, travels to see his child on another state…and the list go to more than $10, 000.00. I decided to let it go, I’m on a delicate position, cause a case on the court can harm my career, and I can’t imagine what he is capable of doing. I have already watched what he did when he say he “loves” me…I jimagine what he can do when he hate .
I just think that I am paying for my freedom and sanity and that someday justice will be served, giving him all what he deserves, nothing more, nothing less.
It still stinks but, sometimes you just have to keep your priorities safe 🙂
Remember though that things he’s purchased come with negative energy & hopefully he’ll ride his bike off a cliff 😉
Visiting his child, that’s a least going somewhere positive & the child has benefited 🙂
Just stay you & find your PEACE, you live on a Caribbean island (bliss)…
You made me laugh, last time he was here he had a very bad accident on the bike that his exlover (a married woman without a job have give him as a “gift”)…lifes give to you what is yours , life get from you what isn’t yours.
If someday your wings bring you to this side of the planet tell me, maybe we can do the first sociopath survivor congress
! Dulces sueños! Sweet dreams!
@PR and NMI
PR
You are so quick! Lol. I wanted to put that in about the cliff and you beat me! Hahaha! My stupid hands move to slow!
And NMI
You are a good person, (do not allow NS to change who you are), ah forgive is easier than you think, forget is very difficult and to trust again, well THAT takes time. Try not to be angry, makes you age faster, and you certainly do NOT want THAT!
@ no more insanity. That is a great way to put it. I tried a couple of times to get the money I am owed back. I tried to play his game and be all nice and ask if he could be able to help me. This is what he used to always say. He claimed he had no money and was unable to help but would if he had money. He asked where he is suppose to get money from to help me. I said that he always found a way. In the end, I know that I won’t see a dime of it.
Funny thing is that he cries poor but can go and buy a motorbike or a new phone or fork out for a wedding!! He had debt collectors knocking on his front door as well and he would take a photo and send it to me and asked if I could help him and going on about how sick it was making him feel. When he went out and got the motorbike, he sent a photo of it to me. I asked him how he would afford to pay for it considering that he has people chasing him for money. He said it wasn’t his but a friend’s. A couple of days later he admitted it was his. They just have no money sense at all.
He was on bankruptcy two times. When I discovered it, he said it was his exwifes fault. He left his last exwife with more than
$20, 000 on debt, and his answer for her claims is that she can go to bankruptcy too, that he can recommend a lawyer. ..I’m trying to be responsible with my creditors, the process is hard and full of shame, but not as shameful as allowing him something to do with me again…
It is scary to hear how similar all of our stories are. Sometimes when I read them I think “hmmm I wonder if they were involved with the same person as me” lol.
They are similar, which is scary, but good to know you’re not alone. Mine’s a bit different, so I thought it worthwhile posting. The more knowledge we have, the better 🙂
Hi there. This is a really useful site. I’ve read through most of it this morning, including the stories of others dreadful experiences with sociopaths. My story (so far) is a little different, and I welcome comments.
First, a potted history: met on the internet – check, moved fast (told me he loved me within 6 weeks of chatting, moved interstate to live with me 9 months later ) – check, said all the right things (I will take care of you, I will support you, I will never leave you, you’re beautiful) – check.
We have been living together 8 months now, and his 12 yo son recently moved in with us (I have 2 boys of similar age)
I have always had the feeling his love is an act, well practised moves and words that are designed to elicit maximum effect. I can’t say why I’ve had that feeling, just my gut.
He is a good partner, a good step dad to my kids, he has provided for us while I’ve tried to get work. I won’t say he never puts a foot wrong – little things all people do (too much time on computer, a little lazy, things all couples irritate each other with).
The difference is, he ADMITS he is a sociopath, or has sociopathic tendencies.
I can see it in his emotional detachment, his overblown ego, his certainty that he is cleverer than anyone around him. He has openly stated that he can manipulate anyone.
Why do I not run screaming? Good question.
He has told me a story about his past. He says that he was an extremely intelligent child and felt superior to those around him, including his teachers. He was chubby and couldn’t play sport due to an accident, and was bullied, so learned to manipulate and used people shamelessly from about age 12 just for the sheer pleasure of doing it. Because he could.
He admits to having had no conscience, no morals and a dreadful temper. He left school at 15 (too boring) and led a life of alcohol, drugs and other criminal pursuits. He married and got into stable work, had three kids, adopted her three, and lived a fairly normal life.
At about 30 he had a breakdown, a bad one. It was related to his marriage ending and going bankrupt. That was over 10 years ago.
According to his story, he changed himself. He says he didn’t like what he was, and slowly rebuilt his personality. That bad person is still inside, but he keeps tight control over it. When I tried to talk to him about that bad part of him one night, I really pushed him, and he had a panic attack. It seemed real, but no way of knowing. He looked horrified, really horrified. I’ve never seen that look in anyone’s eyes before (except in horror movies!).
When I once asked him if he was a sociopath, he took a while to answer, then said, “Would that be a problem?”
Sorry for the long story, but I thought others might find it interesting as it’s a slightly different pattern to other presentations.
As to why I’m still here? He’s good to us. He’s perhaps lost his temper once (with me) but regained it quickly, no violence; I’ve never caught him out in a lie; he’s not controlling in any concrete way (sometimes I think he withholds sex lol); he likes my family and friends and wants to spend time with them; I’ve met his family and friends when I visited interstate; he is calm; he admits when he’s wrong; he supports me emotionally and with kindness, even when he doesn’t understand why I react the way I do (he’s very logical); his kids love and respect him, and mine do too; he rarely drinks; no drugs; his worst vices are smoking cigarettes and looking at porn, which he doesn’t hide from me. Life is happy. But…….I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Has anyone had a similar experience?
I did something today against everything I said I was going to do. I replied to the ex-wife. I also apologised if I made her upset in my initial message. Her response was that her life was ruined by the Spath and that she must move on for her boy and God bless me and my family. I responded but I don’t expect to get a reply back. I would understand if I don’t hear back from her. He is in her past and she is trying to move on.
You made a step for your liberation. Remember that is enough, close that chapter and don’t try to look for another response. Sometimes we consciously or inconsciously contact the OW trying to make sense to all this insanity, another time as a last resort to keep knowing about him. Be careful with this type of contact, you don’t know if she is still his victim or if she is a survivor as you.
@ Josie. It is hard to be with a sociopath and just waiting for that explosion so I don’t blame you for the way you feel especially knowing the behaviours of a Sociopath. I have to say though, these people don’t change, they just get better at pretending. I found your story very interesting and you seem quite positive, which is always great. I think that coming on here and telling us your story is great and you are researching the patterns of a Sociopath. Knowledge is power in these situations. I hope for your sake, he continues to be the way he is towards you. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Thank you. Yes, that they don’t change is what worries me. It’s like he’s built an alternate persona over that core of sociopathy, but it’s a very nice one. He seems to genuinely want to be that person. I have no illusions that I can “handle” him. If he chooses to let that bad man out, the only thing I can do is run.
i have been told I have very good “ego strength”, so I am not easily manipulated. However, would I even know?
At the moment, he is just a good man who loves me and my kids. My son is going through a hard time and has depressive characteristics. When I took him to the doctor yesterday, the doctor asked him who he talks to when he needs it. Without hesitation, he replied, “Mum’s partner.” Also when I asked my boy who he respected, my partner was the first one he mentioned.
So I will enjoy this happy family, but always be alert.
Thanks for your reply 🙂
I will be moving into my new house in a couple of months. My mum helped me with the land loan deposit (cheers Sociopath for taking my money and making me have to borrow from my mum!) so I will be getting a housemate so I can pay my mum back.
There is one thing I have to thank my Sociopath for. It is how cautious I am now when it comes to protecting myself. I have downloaded a housemate agreement from the RTA (Residential Tenancy Agency) and also started to type up house rules. Nothing nazi like and I have asked her to contribute to the rules as well. I am yet to hear back from her but I have decided that if she is unwilling to sign an agreement than she isn’t moving into my house. In the past I wouldn’t have done anything, I probably would have just agreed that she could move in and pay me rent and trusted that a person would do the right thing.
How a person changes when they get burnt by a Sociopath!!!
Dating a Sociopath 
@. Allison. I am very impressed with how strong you have been. It is awful when they act as they it is your problem or are demanding when you ask them to do something like support themselves or contribute.
In regards to the sex. My Spath used to withhold sex. He avoided the relationship as well. My needs weren’t being met at all. When I asked for some attention, he would get so angry. He made me feel like I was being needy, when in fact, I was the only one who cared about the relationship and knew we had to talk and spend time together for the relationship to work. He was so nasty about it.
Stay strong. Sounds like you are on the right path. Be proud of yourself.
Thank you for the kind words. I am really on a emotional wave, faking it to make it. Today I feel vengeful and angry, wanting to burn all the shit she gave me. Wanting to expose her. None of my friends ever liked her and she knew she could not manipulate them because they saw right through her. So after discarding me she deleted all my friends as well so she could continue on as a good guy and look good to others. It makes me sick and kind of want her to die knowing the truth. LoL.
Hi Allison 🙂
Your family & friends cannot ‘get it’ but, we do 🙂
Let them ‘off the hook’ would you really want them to ‘get it’…No…that would mean them having experienced it & I would not wish a Sociopath on my worst enemy because, they are our worst enemy…the ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’.
Your not alone & your anger is normal & part of the process & sadly, you have to work through it, to move over & around it 😦
You will get there so, hang in & keep sharing & supporting but, do the hard work on yourself as well.
Counselling, meds, anything that lifts you & ‘clears’ your inner space…do whatever it takes & remember, you do not walk this path alone…you cannot see us but, we are walking with you.
Some are ahead on the path, others walk beside & others behind but, a lot haven’t even found it & never will.
You are on it so, keep going 🙂
I am at the end, & have found great growth & self awareness & it’s truly amazing & unbelievable….lesson learnt 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
I think we get quite confused because these people are so loving, attentive and caring at the beginning. When we are shoved aside for the new shiny toy, we are left in such a state of confusion. Many times they still have us on the side “just incase”. Every time my Spath deleted me from his life because I made him angry (lol,), it was usually for a week or two and he would completely ignore me. It was like he was doing no contact to me. There was no word about whether it was a break up, I was left in a state of unknown. I admit I went crazy, I sent many texts trying to get answers from him, many texts trying to apologise, many texts to explain what I meant. Then when I was allowed back into his life, it was like nothing happened. The first time he stopped talking to me, I sent him an email and I asked him if we were breaking up. He said “no, I love you but this is to teach you a lesson.” I look back now and every time he did that, I have now realised it was a control thing but also to make sure I knew that I was the crazy one or to make me go crazy.
@Ex def an S
I have seen my soc do this to family first-hand. Once, to his sister, once to his own daughter. His sister freaked out and first went around mouthing lies to other family members. When that didn’t work, she outright asked a family member if he was mad at her. This gave the soc the feedback he needed. He said to me, “I guess she did do something wrong then since she’s assuming I’m mad at her.” He pretended he wasn’t putting her on pause on purpose, but I knew he was. Eventually, I believe he decided to use her to irritate me with nasty texts, when he was mad at me. He could silent treatment me as long as he wanted… that kind of thing never messed with my psyche as I viewed it as simply stubborn behavior and said what I wanted anyway. He knew that wouldn’t stop until he engaged so, since that didn’t really work with me, his favorite weapon of choice was usually some type of triangulation.
Hello everyone, I’m new here so I don’t know what to expect. I have known this guy for 34 years I’m 48. He groomed me then suduced me 11 yrs ago to date, I left July 13, I had enough of the roller coaster love. I felt like I was going crazy. I screamed, hide, told people and still went back to him. I was totally attached and so was others. Two years ago I contacted a woman who disclosed to me all about him. He was with both of us he done the same things with us, he also insisted on sex whilst we were sleeping which I know now is rape, I have received council long for that and I reported it to the police. What happens is that you disown the situation as if your not there, also it made me realise that I have been damaged and battling with that and leaving him was over welding for me, I was at my worse vulnerable state. He took full advantage if me, my home and my money, I was lost. He loved it, source of supply. Last July I was weak. And getting ill, walking started to be a problem. I was low.
It was on my break for two weeks when I came across this site. It’s only now I’m adding my story it’s hard. I write in story form cause I can’t believe this has happened to me. When I screamed at him it done nothing, he continued to slowly torture me, and I allowed it.
It’s been 5 months now, yes my motto today us “I’m all on my own” I know poor me, that’s it with me I do feel sorry for my self for letting that predator in my precise home and life. I’m getting stronger everyday goes by that’s for sure. It’s freedom, it’s good, but everyday remember it, the drama, lying, cheating and the rest. I have picked up traits from him too. But slowly my morals are connecting back to me. I have read several books to be able to relate to this brutal act by a intense sociopath, he was so intense that he would have his affairs right under my nose, I always find out afterwards which is the deep seated deceit within him that pours out like black treacle.
I have done lists upon lists and I’m following them through. But when I get a moment I think of what I have been through, yes him. I have the no contact in place and have not broke it. No kids with him thank god. I am still on this site reading and will comment on issues that affect me from now on. One of my books suggest that I write about my life on a forum as it is a form of healing. I am healing myself and determine not to step back to the abuse. I am reading books on the betrayal bond, this is helping me to find out what compulsions I have or developed, I need to know this as I allowed my self to be controlled by a intense sociopath. Everything written about them is exactly describing my ex. I don’t hate him, I just feel sorry for him, as he scapes to find someone else for convenience, when they decide to leave he just finds another. That’s true.
I know now I’m better off on my own.
Hi Karen 🙂
You are not alone here & I was involved with my Soc for 10 years so, we are here together & believe me when I say, you will be okay 🙂
It’s a long hard road back to the real you but, keep doing what you are doing as you are on the right track. My original story post is under older comments back on June 14th if you can find it, it will help you see you are definately not alone.
Its really hard to understand the Soc so, the best thing to do is remember, this is not your fault. The Sociopath always has an agenda & to them it’s just business, not personal. They never connect on an emotional level or spiritual level so, that is something they are incapable of ever doing.
Take your own power back, stay No Contact as it really is the only way through. Concentrate on your health & crearting the life you deserve.
You have to rebuild & you will, don’t give up as you are a beautiful, smart, resilient & worthy person. Thats why he stayed so long 😦 you have been traumatised & you must go through the pain to gain the wisdom.
My lesson was that I accepted the unacceptable due to a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships. I didnt recognise functional so, I did not value myself enough to find functional.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@karen and hello PR
You aren’t alone, we have all felt this way. Your comments “I am all on my own” made me think of a blog I read this morning, (if I could I would be able to link it and all that jazz, but I suck and don’t know how, I’ll try). Anyway, this women wrote about how her daughter, four years old, she is concerned about if has friends? will she make any? (Readers Digest version), in short the child tells her mother, “Mommy, I am my own BEST FRIEND”. What a well grounded, child! When did we as adults stop being our own best friends, doing what is best for us? I forgot too! I just thought WOW! This really inspired me to take better care of me, and to be positive about “being on my own”.
Have a great day!
NIBSIH
Hi Karen, you are so right to say you are now better off on your own. I just discovered this site too and it is like a breath of fresh air. It seems so unfair that they put us through so much and then it is us who continue to beat ourselves up about what has happened while they just move on with no concern. After 4 months I am still torturing myself, looking for answers, feeling lost and empty but likewise I know that I am better off. The stories are all the same which is frightening. I also feel that writing about the experiences does help. It is something that I think we have to work through, much as I would like to forget everything and move on, I think it is a process and sharing our thoughts and feelings is therapeutic as we all work through this together. ive felt the rejection, then anger and stupidity to allow someone to control me and my life, then you do pity them but they don’t even deserve that. Have you been able to share what you have been through with your friends? My relationship was only for a year but I had know him for a long time then he disappeared, no way of contacting him. I do have children from a previous marriage and I he took them all in with his false promises too and for me that just seems even more sick to think that someone can be so cruel. Reading so much about this now the words GET OUT are the only thing you need to hear and we can at least be grateful that we are now in that situation. Have a good day it is a beautiful world out there, just a bit cloudy at the moment x
ADVISE please??
Hi guys, firstly I am 2 months no contact. Didn’t break it once, although I contacted his friend recently, as I needed a piece pf property that was in storage in his place..So I got a text from him to say hi, I believe you are looking for X… let me know when u have it sorted, just give me notice, no hassle at all.. So the dilemma is, I will have to see him unless I PAY someone to do it for me, which I cant really afford. I’ve been doing so well with NO contact, I am not sure its the best idea to see him at all… It’s over with now.. I know he isn’t interested in me anymore and could have a “new source of supply”. So I am thinking, maybe it wont be that bad, but I still don’t want to risk it…
What do you guys think??
thanks,Kits x
Thank you so much for all the information you have given on this website. It really helped me a lot and made me realise so many things. When I have time i will do my story. I was just reading the article aboute the financien… I was thinking well in this I have been lucky…he doesn’t owe me money…but I think now he just realised that I would discover him sooner or later and ran away before he got caught…I have been lucky….but the wound is still there…the feeling of being betrayed, the cheating, the lies, the manipulation(in a very charming way), being used, realising his love for me wasn’t real… this still hurts…but I think I had a guardian angel with me…who saved me just in time…soon I will do my story…Thanks you so so much again!!!! :-)))
Thank you marj and welcome to the site 🙂
@PR
I “vaselined” the edges too. 😦 And, you are so right about the not being able to un-learn what we now know about humanity. I feel like Eve in the garden of Eden sometimes.
I don’t want to be paranoid or “superaware” to where I can’t have some enjoyment out of life, because I’m certain God didn’t intend for all of it to be some struggle, but I am more intuitively tuned into people around me now, almost to a near-psychic level in some cases.
I had a strange experience at the courthouse about a week ago. I had to take my 10-year-old along with me because he was still on school break. We were in a packed rotunda with chairs side by side, just crammed with people. After we’d been there a little while and people had had opportunity to observe us and us them, I turned to say something to my son and rubbed his back. When I turned back to face the room, I instinctively honed in on two different men who were staring at our interaction with more than curiosity. It was like encountering aliens who had just found new life supply. Their posture, their stillness, their focus, all of it felt very predatory.
I was unsettled. I whispered to my son that, if anyone he didn’t know should approach him, the same rules as being in a store or elsewhere applied, and that he was to make a noisy fuss and go with no one. Due to where we were, we were possibly sitting among some criminals.
While naivete isn’t useful to protecting ourselves, sometimes it did seem like ignorance was bliss in my life. But this curious cat wanted to know so, no going back now.
Hi lovely Jusa 🙂
Yes, the naivety has well & truly gone but, it has been replaced by the greater awareness of evil.
It has also ‘HIGHLIGHTED’ the really good & authentic souls around us 🙂
I have stopped Taking It For Granted & really Appreciate the True & Real people that I know & am meeting 🙂
It’s really weird but, my life has blossomed once again with really wonderful interactions on a deeper level.
I guess, I have truly become more grateful & appreciative of what is real & what is fake. I am more open but, not naive & I engage with people on a vibratory level. Sounds a bit la la but, I have been practicing this & really conscious of others ‘vibe’.
The Soc experience has me a little jaded but, that’s a good thing because, I am guarded with whom I choose to share my world with & I am making healthy choices & having boundaries redefined which, is a positive.
Your protective instinct over your son is paramount & instinctual & timely judging by the situation & I would have been the same.
You picked up the ‘vibe’ & acted accordingly.
Your gut is active again & that is a great awareness, congratulations you are indeed an intuitive & inquisitive & you must stay that way 🙂
The predator is around & we must fight to protect others & their innocence & hopefully they will be saved the torment we have had to endure 🙂
That’s a good thing & we have been made more aware for reasons that are for the better 🙂
We have realized that the ‘Boogie Man’ does exist & he looks ‘normal’ but, is abnormal & blends in around us like a Chameleon.
Side Note: I just read about being attracted to ‘bastards’ oops 😉
Something about being unavailingly available.
Thereby, we are attracted to the thought that they are available when indeed, they are far from it on an emotional/physical & spiritual level.
We seek what we cannot have but, we keep seeking & trying & hoping.
In the end we must always seek within ourselves first & then we will attract available on every level 🙂
We must avail ourselves fully of ourselves & then the ‘laws of attraction’ will bring us the right person 🙂
Take Care & Talk soon 🙂
Love & Light Always 🙂
PR xoxo
Thank you for allowing me to brain dump on here 🙂 It is so good to have such a supportive forum that allows us to vent and have people that understand. It is so hard for family and friends to understand when they haven’t had a relationship with a Sociopath. I also think that they get sick of hearing the venting. My best friend stopped asking me how I was about a month after the relationship broke up and hasn’t asked anything about it since. Thankfully I had another friend who was my sounding board and was so supportive and I feel truly blessed that I have someone like her in my life. Sometimes I think people are thinking “just move on” when it isn’t that easy. When you have been betrayed and scammed, a lot of victims of Sociopaths find it quite hard to move on for a long time. Even when victims do move on, many still have anxiety that affects new relationships and trust issues so it might never truly leave us.
Hi Ex 🙂
It will never leave us but, we will go on & defy the Sociopaths & live a fuller & more meaningful life than they do.
That is our reward, the knowing that we ‘feel life’ & not ‘fake it’.
Like any traumatic experience, we learn to acknowledge it, feel it & let it go.
‘FEEL IT, DEAL WITH IT & HEAL FROM IT’…that’s now my mantra 🙂
If you don’t let it go, it will affect you in other ways which hinder your growth & health. It’s a hard lesson but, we have to learn from it & move forward. It’s hard but, you can do anything you put your mind to 🙂
Thought’s become Actions so, even on a subliminal level, you must retrain your brain to seek out the truth & love yourself & know you are loved & loving.
Your a beautiful soul & no-one can take that away 🙂
Love, Light & Faith in yourself….Your a Victor not a Victim 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi PR,
I love your mantra ‘FEEL IT, DEAL WITH IT & HEAL FROM IT’.. such wise words… I am on day 58 No contact, and this forum has been a god send, listening to everyone’s stories are a great help with understanding the madness of it all,for you’re input I thank you..
It is still hard to accept it all and that its over and what it actually was. I found spending time with my closest friends and family help immensely, they remind me that I am a wonderful caring person, and deserve to be happy with the right person. Baring in mind that I lost a lot of contact with all my closest friends and family cause I was entrapped in the mess with the soc, so to have the FREEDOM of doing what I want without having to consult him is lovely. I am taking each day and what it brings on the chin and trying to deal with my feelings etc. He is still on my mind but I feel I have started to detach emotionally from it all, I feel comfort from it. Clearing my aura of him, I am meditating to relax in the evenings also. So each day at a time…
I will be FREE and happy, one fine day…
Thanks again
Kit xx
P.S. Others that haven’t experienced it cannot understand & that’s a good thing because they haven’t suffered like us.
You have us so, let them ‘get on’ with it & heal here 🙂
We understand & ‘get you’ so, let others keep moving while we stop & heal here & then move with them & back to real 🙂
It’s a trauma & like ‘death’, unless it affect’s you personally, you just keep going while we stop until we get ‘unstuck’ & then we bring our real back to Normal 🙂
@PR
Omg this is sooo true – // your Post Script – every word !!
Dear all,
It is encouraging to hear how our closest friends who do not understand is a common thing. They tend to burn out easily while we are barely scraping the surface of what has happened to us. Thanks to this site and each other, we can vent til it helps, knowing that someone understands. Then I will read about one of you who has the exact same feelings as I do. And we can learn from each other, especially when I have had trouble deciding if he really is a charismatic soc or not. It is important to me to know whether he is or not, because it helps to understand and find answers. I have had soooo many “A-HA!” moments. Especially when I read the “18 red flags”. He has them all. Love to all and our continued, difficult, but persistent healing. Let’s keep nourishing other. 🙂
I totally feel ya on family and friends being tired of it. I tend to obsess anyways so it must suck for them to hear my pissing and moaning. I am wanting to be more productive with my anger and hurt but I am finding it hard since they don’t understand the depth of betrayal I am going through.
Yep ,
I will second those words …..
@ Everyone 🙂
A joke for you all,
A person goes to a police station to identify their Sociopath,
The line up has males & females of all different colors, shapes & size.
Detective says, “take your time, we know how hard this can be”.
The witness says, ” look I know this sounds crazy but, they all look the same to me!”
Like a rabbit looking at a fox, a snake, a cat & a bear, all predators in the end!
Lol, I hope you smile or at least feel better 😉
Put your stories in writing, it’s only part of your story but, write it & then see it & you will get it out of you & onto paper etc… The thing is, get it out & down, then the healing begins 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@ Allison 🙂
Hi & welcome, you are not alone & we have all been duped & beyrayed but, here we are, loving & supporting each other 🙂
Its terribly hard to get your head around how they do it but, the more you read, share & support, you will process the information & learn to focus on yourself & your healing.
It is a process & at first you will go through hell but, keep going as the light at the end is amazing. You will never be the same again but, what you will be is far stronger, resilient & in your own power 🙂
Don’t overthink the others that she dupes & uses as thats how they ‘get at’ you, the thought of being used is awful. Turn it around as you were too good for her & she couldn’t stand your light. Shed her like a snake sheds it’s skin, peel away the layers & renew yourself. You will look in the mirror & see your true love & then you will find you are beautiful, worthy & real 🙂
I had 10 years with mine & am 9 months No Contact ( sort of) , I was discarded after the OW alerted me & the rest is history. She is a Dr of Sociology & studies & lectures in human behavior so, good luck with that pyscho as well. I had to prove who I was to her & his signature on my will etc…still didn’t make her run? Who lets a casual romantic partner witness there will!!!! Oh & the other stuff but, she has the addiction & betrayal wasnt her deal breaker but, it was & is always mine 🙂
Stick with No Contact & really believe in yourself. She was attracted to you because you are amazing & she needed to mimic that to trap the next & the next. Business as usual at the office if Sociopathy! Keep putting your complaints in writing here with us as, we are good at solving & helping, not the Soc office. Its a front for a sham! Lol 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Awesome, this made me smile and you’re right I need to focus on turning it around into a positive light. I have been a good, kind person and people see that. I have awesome friends and family that believe in me. She doesn’t have any of these things and never will.
Yay Allison, you have made it to self belief….& you are so right 🙂
You are all the best things & the Soc wanted to be ‘YOU’ but, sadly they fake it & You my darling are the ‘Real Deal’….shine on & on…..
You are Awesome 🙂
PR xoxo
@ NIBSIH & Karen 🙂
Nibsih is so right :), she may not be tech savvy ( am learning also) but, she has more insight & wisdom & is amazing 🙂
Karen, see you are not alone but, you must dig deep & be your best friend, we are living proof that it can be done 🙂
Have a great day Nibsih & you too Karen. I’m in the southern hemisphere so, have a great life wherever you are & whatever time it is 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR
I wouldn’t go all that far, I can’t find the blog I read this morning. So what the heck???
@ NIBSIH 🙂
Lol , somedays I can’t even find my knickers but, when I do they are clean 😉
Remember to stay on the up escalator of life & I’ll see you at the top.
P.S. When you find a blog you like, save it to your favourites should be a star on the left side tool bar, can be right though depending on program you have. Save that site & then you have it until you delete it. X
@PR
Oh my – don’t get me started on “the search and rescue for my undergarments”, which occurs daily!! I will have to look for the starred sites, my “lovely” children just broke my nook, and I don’t usually get on the big computer. So I will check this feature out, on iPhone.
Thank you!!
NIBSIH
So today my sociopath changed one of his many profile pics (who else discovered that their Spath had a few online profiles?). His eyes were so creepy and dark looking. Gave me chills.
Yes I think he had around 12 to 14 lol
Bloody weirdos lol. I have trouble keeping up with one profile lol. The profile on Facebook my Spath has me on also has lady boys as friends. He had a weird fascination about them.
@ ex def 🙂 & everyone 😉
Yes, mine had a fascination with transgender people & would show me pic’s/videos to shock me & he was obsessed with anal sex ( neither interested me I must add) but, to each his own.
My confort zone is Normal but, like most Soc’s, they want to push your bouderies to demean you. They have no respect & naturally fake they do to get you. Mine was always opening doors etc…in public but, behind closed doors loved to ‘talk dirty’, was a sloth basically & ate like a pig & licked his plate like a dog 😉
I felt sorry for him & dont know what I saw in him??? Lol, once away from them you look through different eyes & the smoke & mirrors fade & all that’s left is the ‘creature’ & it’s not pretty!
‘ They are Sodom & Gomorah’ & all the sins as far as mine was concerned. In fact every ‘7 deadly sins’ depicts him.
Gluttony, coveting anothers wife etc…. Wow Wow Wow!!! Another Epithany for me… God help us I say!
P.S. I had lunch with someone I trust with my life, & he said he always thought my Soc was an evil malevolent man but, did not tell me for fear of losing me. Gee I wish he’d just said something as it may have made my view of the Soc shift as I often saw signs but, had lost faith in my own gut?
‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’ a book by Ray Bradbury & made into a movie in 1983 , haunted me & I would say/hear that title in my head, just before my soc appeared.
I have also always been obsessed with The Wizard of Oz & when Dorothy gets to the Emerald City & meets Oz, he’s all smoke & mirrors & a sham.
The message of having a brain, a heart & courage makes me feel like the characters ( my favourite was the lion 😉
In the end, there is ‘No place like home’ & home is what you make it & for me, it’s within & wherever I’m happy & surrounded by love 🙂 🙂
Must put on my Red Shoes & hope the evil witch & monkeys don’t find me! Lol
pheonix……….mine was just like that too!!!! Anyone else her get dracula like texts that would just say…….”come to me”
Hi Sweet 🙂
Yep & he would say, ‘lie down on the sacrificial alter’ the bed etc…& I would laugh but, just thought it was a game (lol) Sheesh what a life I was partaking in????
He loved saying, “You are my wife, my possession” & “I can do whatever I like with you”….obviously I stood my ground if he got really weird but, I thought it was how he got his ‘Jollies’ & I played along. I had no idea he meant it.
‘You are mine & no-one else will ever have you’,
‘what I say remains between us, it is my business & no-one else’s & you must never tell anyone what I say, you must comply & acquiesce’ blah blah….I thought it was funny & a joke…..oh my, he meant every word & there was many, many more….’I own you, you are mine completely’…what a strange self absorbed twat he really was/is.
I am so glad I am free of his lunacy & delusion 🙂
I hope your well Sweet & wish you love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. download that movie, ‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’ or read this Wiki description, blew my mind!!! Wish I’d really listened when my guides kept sending it through!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Something_Wicked_This_Way_Comes_(novel)
Thank you, I wish I had read this a year ago! Im free now from him but not from the thoughts,,sleepless nights and the constant searching for, well I don’t know what. To discover the same story again and again, on a subject I knew nothing about has been amazing and is helping me through. With figures ranging from 4 – 9% of the population having this disorder why has it remained so taboo. If more people were aware before, rather than, like many of us finding out through searching to find a reason/explanation when it is too late, at least we could have felt stronger and played the “game” in return, instead of feeling weak and down trodden. Ive now talked to some close friends who were completely unaware of what was going on, but when I refere to certain instances it offers an explanation. Though because no one has heard of this before sometimes Im not sure how much they believe as my stories seems so far fetched and the more I talk, the more I remember, the more comes out.
Hi Littlepebble 🙂
Remember, you came from a giant rock so, you are part of something bigger 🙂
It is hard & you must remember to process the thoughts & memories & take the lesson’s & move through the pain & onto your best path.
I have just listened to the link, Hay House & I am sending it to you, to have a look & listen & hopefully gain from this 🙂
Louise Hay is my Icon & I have had her book for 20 years but, never truly embraced it but, I am now 🙂
The other participant’s are also mind blowing & I wish you enlightenment & healing 🙂
You are not alone & we will support you with love 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
http://www.hayhousenewyounow.com/day1/?vid=83637389#video
@ Sweet, read this or download the movie, it’s fascinating & ‘blew my mind!’, wish I’d listened to the voice in my head that kept repeating
Something Wicked This Way Comes…..argh were they right….MR DARK whoa!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Something_Wicked_This_Way_Comes_(novel)
@allison….to get sweet revenge on these people would be awesome. I still have days where I am angry at him and would love to do something to hurt his precious ego. I will let karma take care of that though. The best revenge is for you to live the best life ever and without her in it. They usually try and come back into your life. When she does, telling her to get lost and showing her how strong you have become can be a way to get back at her. It can all be quite a struggle. I found something positive in building a house that has me looking forward to something and also something he has no opinion in and has never seen.
Yay Ex Def, the house represents you & your building a new life…Fantastic…:) am somersaulting in my head LOL, too old to do it for real LOL 😉
I know it will be a house filled with Joy & Happiness & LOVE…..congratulation’s, another inspirational person 🙂
Love & Light to fill your house & life…..
Make sure you put out the ‘Welcome Mat’ but, only to the Good Souls to cross the threshold…get your house blessed, here’s a link for you 🙂
http://www.astralhealer.com/house.php
Love PR xoxo
Exactly and as much as they try and convince people that they are good, kind, generous people, eventually the mask comes down and it is revealed what their true personality is.
@PR
I want to watch the movie now that you brought it up. I looked it up… there appears to be a lot of symbolisms and imagery throughout. Just the names of the characters—Nightshade and Halloway—Nightshade is a deadly poison that will contaminate everything around it, producing no yield… and, Halloway, well, we all have encountered the hollow way…
Hi Karen,
Welcome..You’re in the right place & are doing the right thing…..At the other side of the pain is a peace and sense of self-knowledge you have yet experienced.
Stay strong, Broken
Hi Broken,
A gift for you & I hope you like it & that you are still writing your wonderful music & singing your song 🙂
http://www.hayhousenewyounow.com/home-register
Love & Light 😉
PR xoxo
Hi Jusa 🙂
I switched off my intuition but, that “Something Wicked This Way Comes” was so, prominent for the last 10 years but, I did not get the message nor the significance. I swear, it literally haunted me but, I ignored it!!!! Damn Soc, stopped me growing but, now I have fully realised the lesson & gosh, I have had so much growth & just in the last few days have had the most amazing interactions & awareness….am absolutely standing in my own ‘power’ & Wow Wow Wow I have started learning Tarot & my first reading on myself nearly ‘blew my mind’…1st card, the lovers….two woman trying for the attention of one man (omg) then the ‘wheel of fortune’ was second & the top of that wheel shows a phoenix (yep) & two choices on the wheel to go down or up or stay in the cycle….the 3rd card was ‘the hermit’ a wise old man who will help me find my inner wisdom but, I must follow the light of his lantern….& the 4th card was, ‘the empress’ a card signifying transformation & renewal & a positive outcome :)….
How’s that for my very first reading 🙂
I shall do one for you soon in the other realm (hint,hint)…
Love you xoxo
@PR
Holy cow! Well, that was unexpected. It sounds like the spiritual universe is happy with and encouraging you in the space you are in because that is just too coincidental a confirmation to be anything else. I can wait for my personal session. 😉
I remember seeing that movie in the 70’s but I am going to definitely see it again, now that I am older and wiser……and been thru so much pain and sadness….but survived
Hi everyone 🙂
I just wanted to share something I heard about people that act without empathy & conscience.
If someone keeps acting in an un-conscience way then the negativity they create will make them sick & tired so, rest assured your Sociopath/narcissist or whatever pathy they have, will inevitably catch up with them.
It makes sence that even in our own lives, if we act out of hate, nothing good comes, yet when we do everthing with loving intentions, our relationships & interactions are healthier & more rewarding.
This does not mean you will never have a bad experience (as we know, loving the Soc made no difference to their ultimate behavior) but, what it does is reinforces the need to love everyone & every living thing on the planet. Put love out & let it flow back too you!
Forgive the Soc as they don’t have this ability & that is a terrible shame.
Forgiveness is the key to your personal growth, we have been given this experience to learn & ultimately grow from so, stay on your path to love & light & take the scenic route. The Sociopath will never see the ‘forest for the trees’ & he’ll cut them done anyway 😉
Keep growing with love & light & see you on the path.
PR xoxo
@PR
I sooo needed this, sometimes, (today), I was so excited, I had all four of my children in my house, never happens, my children are in all different stages of hate to dislike with me. Of course, like a idiot, I allowed my self to be hopeful and excited about being with them. My daughter just ruined it, with her foul attitude and mouth right before my older sons were leaving, she was kinda bitchy all day, but took it over the top towards the end. Your post reminded me, I am so glad I am no longer in my ex’s dysfunctional sick world, I can’t help my children, (sadness). I have wasted so much money on attorney fees, that did nothing.
Hit send too fast,
I can only control me, and I have to choose to ignore their horridness. They will destroy me with their darkness – ugh it’s like little dark omens. Yuk.
Hi NIBSIH 🙂
Chin up 🙂 It’s really hard dealing with dysfunctional people & the dysfunction that they cause.
Your daughter is acting out her pain etc….when someone is speaking & acting vile, I now look at them with compassion as it is their pain coming to the surface 😦
It is not your pain, it is theirs & they own it.
However they will try & ‘handball’ it too you so, ‘handball’ it straight back with love.
When my life gets crazy & someone negative enters my peace, I choose to step back from them literally & look them right in the eye & say ‘F*ck Off’ in my head but, outwardly I smile & remain silent. Silence is a loud scream to them. Remember how the Sociopath uses silence to punish us, turn it back onto them & their cohorts in the game.
Your daughter is young & if you keep being loving, no matter what, something good will flow back to you eventually 🙂 Just keep loving you & doing what you need to do to stay on track.
‘You can lead a horse to water but, you cannot make it drink!’….
Love & light & let’s aim for Peace in our lives no matter what other peoples internal conflict is, it isn’t yours 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. Everyone Please Can we send a group hug to Positivagirl 🙂 🙂
like this….
BIG SQUEEZY HUGS TO POSITIVA, HUG IT OUT EVERYONE,HUG IT OUT (0) (0) (0) ….these are hugs xoxo 😉
To us all
(((Group hug ))), I need one too!!
I found this song – (via argument with boyfriend, long story, not NS just old man).
I recall feeling this way hundreds of times. Through several relationships over the years. Ironically the singer wrote the song, over a girl in college when she broke up over a boy, from the boys perspective and couldn’t finish the ending. Started dating the girl, when she dumped him two years later he had the ending. I will also include the song facts. I am still looking for the blog I lost. Sorry people, I am getting better though! Maybe?
http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=2321
Aww sending you a huge hug!!! 🙂 sorry for the delay in reply. It has taken a while for me to go back through comments that haven’t gone through.
Hi All
Im new to this and currently cant figure out if, indeed, my boyf is a true Spath. Whilst he holds a few of the attributes mentioned, he is, in fact, a successful business owner with big goals and dreams and never takes anything from me financially.
It all started approx 8 months into our relationship – he had been loving, attentive, caring, kind, generous etc told me he he’s never met anyone like me, told me he loved me every single day etc. Then I found messages on his phone to other girls. Some asked him about me (they had seen us together or heard about us) and he would say things like ‘She means nothing to me’ or ‘no we’re not really serious, I dont like her much anyway’ and he even asked one girl (who i later found out was an ex) to meet up with him again! meanwhile in reality he had MOVED in with me and appeared to be besotted and happy and I naturally thought he was the best thing since sliced bread.
After confronting him about the messages he tried to play them down at first then eventually apologised and I forgave. fast forward another 2 years and he regularly would text/email girls behind my back saying how unhappy he was etc but to my face he was making big plans with me, wanting to start a future, I think he was just looking for them to massage his ego. Then the pointless lies come, he has no time for me, he would shout and swear and be verbally abusive and if I got upset he would say it was my own fault for ‘provoking him’ to his outbursts etc. He became very cold towards me, stopped showing affection, never wanted to have sex, and when I tried to talk about out problems he would dismiss them and say I was making a big deal out of nothing. During any argument he would tell me how I do nothing for him, how I just like to fight and cause problems, how I think im so wonderful but im not, etc and I genuinely used to think I was going crazy. Where was the loving man I first met?
After 3 years of feeling like I was aconstantly walking on eggshells, I decided to leave for my own sanity. I was absolutely heartbroken but I knew I had done nothing wrong and , in fact, spent most of my time trying to fix all the things that he had caused. I cut off all contact, changed my number etc however for the last 4 months he has found other ways to contact me and says he wants me back and that he’ll change and he now realises how selfish he’d been.
So, I dont know if hes just been young and now hes matured a bit, or, if indeed he is a Spath and I should run for the hills. Any help much appreciated!
I am a newbie to this forum. Never in a million years would I think I would be on this site. I am very thankful I found a safe place to tell my story. I am 55 years old, wife of one, mother of one. Early retirement. I am not dumb but after reading others stories…..I feel dumb. I had time on my hands. My S/P was in my 5th grade class room. I know men do not keep up with pictures and things like girls do. Bear in mine I have not seen or heard any thing about him in 45 years. He friended me on F/B. I accepted and I sent him the picture. Innocent on my part. July 6, 2013 will be etched in my mine forever. That was the random day I sent a random photo. After that school year he was transferred to another school. Never saw him again. I no longer live in my home town but I do have many friends I still talk to. I told one of my friends just in speaking that I had sent a photo. He gave me that look…..WHAT? What is that look for? He is trouble….always has been and always will be. Told him that mattered not to me since I was just friended by him and sent the photo. A few days later he began chatting with me. It was choppy wordings. Can’t explain. Went from one topic of conversation to another. I saw another comment come and it said …….ladies name…..say something. It was on my board. I really did not think anything much then but now I do. We talked about his life and my life….his children and my child. It was still short choppy answers. I told my good friend about it and he mentioned he had been in jail 3 times. The last time was 2/13 to 7/13. He was just home from his jail stage. I was going to be his friend. I root for the underdog…..always is what I kept telling myself. During these chats he might say something and I would not understand what he was saying to me. I talk to several school mates on F/B and it does not bother my husband. My friend did tell me to watch out for this guy because he had used up all of his friends meaning no one like him because he was a user of his friends.
We texted many time throughout the day. Easy for him to do since he was self employed. Texting in the middle of the night. He never slept. Never really spoke much ,,,,,but we did text. There was no attempt to see each other at this time. Friends. He had fallen in love with me by September. On a Sat night he texted me and said he was going to eat with his family. I saw a restaurant review written by him the next day and signed by him and another woman. It broke my heart. The night he texted me to say he loved me but was with someone else at this house. I just wanted to die. He texted to explain but I was having none of that. When I did cawl down and read his text he told me it was someone he had had a relationship for 11 years. He said she was w mean as hell. She had ruined every relationship he had ever had since he had gotten divorced. Said he almost got married once but this woman call and told her something bad about him. His wording to me was I did not know this but when you f##k someone….you are in a relationship…. he said that. I did not believe him but said nothing.
We met in Sept for our 2nd time. He brought 2 Viagra. We had sex and it was something like I have never had in my life. It felt good and afterwards we stayed for the rest of the night. He wanted me to be right next to him in bed and he wanted my body close to him. I put it there. I woke to the words “did you know just how beautiful you are”. I told him no. He said he might just like to wake up next to me everyday. How would that be. I smiled and he kissed me. We got up and we talked about our lives…..this is something I never understood. He did bring the gal that he had been with name up. I asked about her. He turned around as if he was the devil and told me she was mean as hell and was evil. He said out of the 11 years they did not speak for 3 years. He said if she finds out about you she will call you. I just did not think about that. She is 60 and he is 57. She is on the Chamber of Commerce, and several volunteering jobs for the city. She is known in the city in which they live. That was puzzleing to me. I changed the subject.. I could go on on on about this and I hope you get my picture. My sister and my brother in law go to church with this person. He kept wanting for me to allow him to tell my brother in law. He said that over and over. I wondered why?
To make a long story short….I was idealized, devalued and discarded after 5 months. I had gone on a short weekendtrip and he would tell me he love me on the phone and then turn right around and get mad and say he was going somewhere with this other girl just to be hurtful. He came back home early and called me as if nothing had happened. He told me he thought we could be very happy. I was the kind of woman he had prayed to God to come into his life. I was it. He told me he was now ready to grow old with me by his side. I then asked about the other girl and he said she just hangs around because she likes to f##k as much as he does but it is not really any good. I thought….why are you telling me this…..just to hurt me. He started that business about her calling me and telling me stuff that was not true . This same weekend I was gone I did not hear from him until about 2:30. He texted me…..How would you like to have me in your life forever? I just told my adult kids I love and I want to married you. I have told ……I do not love her. I love you and we are going to be together. I called and I could hear yelling in the background. I hung up. About an hour after that I called and his words to me were I am so glad to hear your voice. You are the calming force in my life. I have such peace with you. Everything a girl would want to hear….he said it. Later that afternoon….he told me he was going to be with woman again tonight after saying all of that stuff to me. I am naïve. I couldn’t understand. Why would he do this to hurt me. What had I ever done to him for him to be so mean to me. I was sucker punched. I had never experienced this kind of behavior before. No clue what it was. I returned home the next day and I got a text that once again says he wants me and he has told his children and they are happy for him. He said he told this gal again also. Everything is alright. He then text me and said I know this is not how you would want it ,,,,,but would you marry me? He told me I did not have to answer him right now because we needed to be together to talk about it. Two hours later….he texted and told me it was over. I never sent anything back. I left it alone. He did not contact me but I checked my phone every 5 min..nothing until 9 days later. I was in the grocery store. The text went like this: I am now in a relationship but I think of you often and I care about you. He said he might be getting married soon because he has had a role reversal. He ask me to meet him on the upcoming Friday. My text went like this. I hope you will be very happy…..I wish you well. He: from now on don’t text me. I will text you because she checks my phone. I have got to go now and delete this conversation. Remember ….don’t text me….I will text you about Friday. ily. Me; I cant believe you allow her to check your phone…..he said that is the way it has always been with her. He said I told your stories about that. NO he did not. He did say she could get this number and call me. ME; If she does….I am calling you. end of text. Never heard from him again. 1 month and 1 day of no contact. My story is like everyone elses. I do have questions I am hoping someone could help with,….
1) what is the part is lady has played for 11 years. They are now living together and all over f/b about how great their relationship is. He wrote a comment: I am really liking this relationship….calmness and happiness. She is a known person in our town. Do he think he will be someone too if he is with her?
2) Why would a 57 year old tough guy have to show his girlfriend his cellphone?
3) He wanted to tell my brother in law he wanted to marry me? Why
4)Did he tell his children that he wanted to married me and did he tell the woman he wanted to marry me. What changed in two hours and how and why did it change?
5) He has no DL. Supended for 8 years because of criminal record.
6) Did he not even care about what he was doing to me. He never asked me for money but he did tell me the other person could take care of him. I got money too.
7)She is all over facebook with her status changed to in a relationship but his does not say that. He is single. I surprised she has not made him change that.
8) He told me she stole two Viagra tablets from him. He was going to use them on her. He took two with me. One is missing. He could have use it on someone else.
9) I have found out he was talking to two others and this other woman while talking with me. I had no clue.
10) How in the hell did I end up here? I am not upset with him…..I hate her because it seems she took him away from me. I even left my counseling sessions because I got angry with her because she told me I should not be angry with her…..it is him that did the damage. I got mad and told her I was not coming back. I could really use her help. Too prideful on my part.
I am asking for someone to please try to answer these questions I have. Everyone’s story is the same but the way it makes the victims feel is different. I am a mess.
@becky
These are just my best guesses and obviously aren’t scientific lol…
1) what is the part is lady has played for 11 years. They are now living together and all over f/b about how great their relationship is. He wrote a comment: I am really liking this relationship….calmness and happiness. She is a known person in our town. Do he think he will be someone too if he is with her?
>She’s the only one who doesn’t leave. She thinks that means he is as loyal to her as her love is for him. It doesn’t; she’s just the only one willing to stay in spite of everything. He would’ve left her regardless if she didn’t also have her usefulness in helping to hide his disastrous reputation.
2) Why would a 57 year old tough guy have to show his girlfriend his cellphone?
>That’s her one “control” trump card. This is the dance they do to pretend he’s not doing what she knows he is so she can lie to herself and he can patronize her by pretending she has a voice in his activities. It might even be a game that challenges and amuses him.
3) He wanted to tell my brother in law he wanted to marry me? Why
>Your husband’s brother? To irritate him and cause you drama. A useful side benefit would be you believing he is legitimizing your relationship.
4)Did he tell his children that he wanted to married me and did he tell the woman he wanted to marry me. What changed in two hours and how and why did it change?
>No. He never told any of his people anything. Telling you so was a ruse to see if YOU would jump. You didn’t jump fast enough or high enough. The long-term woman is more manipulatable; you were deemed too much effort. He would/will leave her if he could find the perfect combination of naivete, short memory, money, prestige, appearance and enjoyable sex.
5) He has no DL. Supended for 8 years because of criminal record.
6) Did he not even care about what he was doing to me. He never asked me for money but he did tell me the other person could take care of him. I got money too.
>He is a trainwreck. He can’t even understand his own thoughts enough to care about you and yours. He performs what he knows and that has been learned and perfected through repetition and minor adjustments. He’s not capable of being much more than what you already know about him, unfortunately. He didn’t ask you for money YET. You didn’t get past the first test, which was completely selfless and foolish generosity. If you had been more apologetic and responsive, he would’ve moved you to the next stages.
7)She is all over facebook with her status changed to in a relationship but his does not say that. He is single. I surprised she has not made him change that.
>There are likely many things she can’t say or ask for. Due to their dynamic, she understands the “rules”. In her position, she would know there are only so many demands she can make before she is deemed “too much effort” also. She is wishful thinking as well as trying to drive away competition. Futile, in this case.
8) He told me she stole two Viagra tablets from him. He was going to use them on her. He took two with me. One is missing. He could have use it on someone else.
>Not enough info for analysis. But I doubt she is stealing his tablets, unless she thinks it might prevent him from having sex with another. Another futility.
9) I have found out he was talking to two others and this other woman while talking with me. I had no clue.
>Common tale. For every two you know about, there are likely half a dozen more in different stages of “relationship” with him. Many, many leave, causing him to have to find replacements.
10) How in the hell did I end up here? I am not upset with him…..I hate her because it seems she took him away from me. I even left my counseling sessions because I got angry with her because she told me I should not be angry with her…..it is him that did the damage. I got mad and told her I was not coming back. I could really use her help. Too prideful on my part.
>I think most are somewhat angry with the OW (or other person). While you are hating her though, you are not hating him, which means you are hopeful what happened isn’t what you think it is, that your relationship is salvageable, and that the excitement and whirlwind isn’t over. You ended up here, however, because deep down, you know the real truth. Take your time in working through it. You have a right to be angry and feel abused. Just know that it has nothing to do with you not being enough, or you doing something wrong. You actually did many things right.
Jusagirl, excellent explanation. I found out my soc had a “lap dog” girlfriend for 16 years, that hung in there no matter how many times he dumped her because he found the real “love of his life”. She just patiently waited for his latest relationship to end and for him to come back to her.,
OMG Jusa, Your answer to number 2 was a new A-Ha moment for me. Spot on. That was me. It was how i kept ignoring the red flags because i kept checking his phone and couldn’t find anything therefore i could hang onto that maybe it WAS me after all and not him.
I did find a few things early on but he soon learnt to get better at it.. as you said “a challenge to amuse him” and sometimes he would want me to find things to help in his triangulation game. He would also keep things there to put me off track. I remember once him showing me a text from the ex wife, I said to him that she looks like she is answering something you have said. His reply: I told you she was crazy, she even talks to herself. The truth was, she was answering a text he had written but deleted. Ugh! How disgusting he is
Sweet freedom, that is my ex soc’s ex wife. I still feel the desire to tell her that he is a sociopath. So that she can arm herself. Trust me, although i feel sorry for her, it is not her that I woudl be doing it but for her 2 girls that I became very close too. My heart goes out to them. They are just pawns in his game.
Hi Jusa & Becky 🙂
Great answers Jusa, perfect really & well said 🙂
Becky, welcome to this wonderful site & the amazing people here 🙂
You are not alone so, keep asking & getting answers & above all else, realise this was never about you, it’s all about the Soc & they are self motivated & selfish.
@ Jusa, another epiphany (yep, have had many of late 😉
I truly believe all Soc’s have abandonment issues, so the woman that will stay with them regardless of what the do is a keeper 😦
They hate being alone & thereby are always planning the escape, they literally ‘leave before they arrive.’
Once they ascertain that you wouldn’t stay when they reveal themselves fully & I mean the ‘mask is off’, then they are off like a shot & disappear as if they are vapour!
They only hang around to tease & game us as the ‘keeper’ woman is not enough for supply but, good enough to accept the unacceptable 😦
They always have a ‘fall back plan’ when they run the race with us.
It’s more about their awareness of them ‘not being normal, thereby they fake it to make it’ as society would never accept them as they truly are.
Unfortunately their disability cannot be seen, like we see the blind or deaf or other’s, they have to remain hidden in fear of themselves being detected & not accepted.
Let’s face it, if we knew what they were when we first met them, they wouldn’t stand a chance with us 😉
We meet them as real & authentic & they have to pretend to be real & authentic so, that would be an awful existence.
It’s just a shame, we have to suffer for their affliction.
I’m all for helping the disadvantaged & disabled people among us but, there’s a difference in helping someone that deserves is or someone that is using our kindness to gain the upper hand!
Inevitably, what you give, you receive so, if they keep ‘dishing out’ pain, it will dish right back at them & so the cycle goes.
If you give out negative, you get it right back!
Stay positive, even through all of this.
Never allow the Soc to steal your outlook & positivity, no matter what, the cost is priceless & they can’t afford us 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. My Soc has a lap dog for 35 years & counting 😦 poor woman, can you imagine what her mind is like 😦 😦 not to mention the new one 😦 :(……abuse, betrayal, mistrust, who want’s that in their life, NOT ME 🙂
I just got Eliza Doolittle New Album, In your hands & here are the lyric’s to her song ‘Checkmate’….no video yet, she’s amazing…
“Checkmate”
Just a little boy in a big girls land,
Playin’ at being king I took my kingdom back,
Throwing arrows at the window,
But they’re not getting in though,
You made a move too late,
And now you’re in checkmate
Bugging like a fly against my window pane,
Pain is what you gave me when you left that day,
That day I made a promise,
To raise my fisty cuffs,
You won’t fool me twice,
Once is quite enough
Cause you’re just a little boy in a big girls land,
Playin’ at being king I took my kingdom back,
Throwing arrows at the window,
But they’re not getting in though,
You made a move too late,
And now you’re in checkmate
Someone stupid told me that romance was dead,
They took him to the tower and cut off his head,
But I don’t believe it,
And I’ve got the proof,
Standing right beside me,
When I compare him to you
You’re just a little boy in a big girls land,
Playin’ at being king I took my kingdom back,
Throwing arrows at the window,
But they’re not getting in though,
You made a move too late,
And now you’re in checkmate
[x2]
Oh you’re never gonna make it over these walls of mine
You should runaway,
Cause you’ll never get past me and my army, my army,
Yea you should runaway,
Cause you’ll never get past me and my army, my army,
Yea you should runaway,
Cause you’ll never get past me and my army, my army,
You should runaway,
Cause you’ll never get past me and my army, my army
You’re just a little boy in a big girls land,
Playin’ at being king I took my kingdom back,
Throwing arrows at the window,
But they’re not getting in though,
You made a move too late,
And now you’re in checkmate
PR xoxo
I have had no contact for 1 month and 14 days. I have blocked the S on F/B and on my phone. I had a very difficult day today. My mind wonders and had endless chatter and to know it was all false just blows my little mind. I could never return the S because of the hurt inflicted upon me. I stay busy and try not to think about it. I ask that you please read my questions above again. The answers from jusagurl and others were right on. I get it. I understand it. I still have a questions in my mind about the part the OW plays. Someone said I was the OW and I may have been. I do not know, OW has been in his life all these years….why ….if he plays these games. Does he play the same game with her? How does she live with such madness? One more thing…..it is hard for me to know nothing I said to him matters and I do not know if he remembers it according to some posts here. Please do not say I want the OW to leave and he returns to me. That is not it. I have abandonment issues to begin with and now this happens. I have tried not to allow this to not dictate my life but must be honest….it is right now. I am a dweller. Not only on this matter but on everything. I am working on this too.
I wish I could answer your questions, ive been there too, searching but have never found the answers. My ex partner was married and left his wife, wanted to wake up ever day with me, get married, constant phone calls, texts, lots of attention, etc. It felt great. He had an affair many years ago and his wife took him back but I thought I was different but he would bring her up often and as I only found out recently he went back to her again. These men lie constantly and start believing their own lies. I spoke to a conseller who told me that they believe what they say at that time but only then!! I have researched this behaviour and can only conclude that these men need to have a security blanket, a mother type they feel they can always fall back on. I think the other woman is probably attentive to their every whim with their own insecurities too, they need and put up with the bullying, disgusting behaviour and they feed off each other. I have been through being devastated, then anger and hatred and now 3 months on, I now feel that we will never understand what goes through their heads, they have no feelings for the destruction they have caused, the most frightening bit is it seems they don’t have the capacity to care and disgard and move on without a thought. Don’t be in a mess, my thoughts still fill my head most of the day and I really don’t want to give him the satisfaction as im sure its all forgotten for him. It is hard but you have to believe that you have had a lucky escape it is him that is in the wrong, not you or the other woman, we do feel stupid, foolish and taken advantage off but really we do not need people like this in our lives we deserve so much better. I hope like me you will start to come out the other side a stronger and more confident in yourself. Ive taken great comfort in reading this site and researching sociopaths, it hurts to maybe think they didn’t mean anything they said but it also helps to know that it is them that are sick and they all behave the same with no empathy for others. Be strong and take one step at a time, try not to torture yourself with the past and think of the future, it does get better day by day. Take care of yourself xx
@ Becky, In relation to number ten, my advice is to go back to your counselor, she seems like a smart woman. I agree with her. The other woman has been lied to and manipulated like you were. She may not be completely innocent but if her relationship with him has been going for 11 years then unfortunately, you are the other woman, not her. What he has told you is not the truth… read your own words. He jumped from i love you and only you to jumping in to bed with her and then back again… ummm that is not love… that is seriously F#$#ed up. The other woman would have been told similar about you. SO why be angry at her? she is more a victim than you are as she has been in his web for over a decade. He is the arse in this picture.
Read as much as you can on this. The more you read, including everyone’s comments, the more you will realise what you have been lucky enough to escape by only being trapped for 6 months. It may not feel like it now because understandably you hurt like hell. Read as much as you can. Until it starts to sync in that he really is a sociopath/narcisist or borderline (if that is what he is) and that it is not you (nor her) but him.
It seems to me that someone saying what they see from an outside point of view, would probably be a good thing. Just remember, your counsellor has nothing to gain.
wishing you the best in your healing.
@jusagurl. Amen to what you said!!
He likes to make out his partner of 11 years is crazy and insecure to justify what he is doing do to make her look like the mad one in the relationship. Also, when you start to question things, he starts to make you think you are just like this women and it is all part of their crazy making.
Btw, I saw that you mentioned that you are a wife of 1. Did you cheat on your partner with this man?
@ It is done, don’t tell the new woman, she’ll think your nuts 🙂
The Soc will turn it to his advantage, & say “see, I told you she was loopy la la” it drives the OW crazy & she will believe him anyday over a complete stranger, let alone another woman who she thinks wants her man!!! Eewww 😉
Let her have him & wish her the best, she will need it & I feel very sorry for any woman in our situation. After all, we were all OW’s (unknowingly) & are now Ex’s…(yay)…& we know what they are doing, some never will & they will end up at the psychiatrist or on meds, trying to figure out what is wrong with them….hopefully they’ll find this site or one like it 🙂
P.S. My Soc has two phones, two jobs etc…so, check the phone cause they will always have a back-up one you don’t know about. Two emails, two addresses. Yep mine had all the bases covered!
Love & Light….It Is Done 🙂
PR xoxo
HI PR,
How are you coping with your heat wave down in Melbourne? For once, Sydney has escaped it! although I am sitting here in my underwear as it is still in the mid 30’s.
I would never contact the new woman. Have no desire to even know who she is. I want nothing to do with him! I was talking about the ex wife. And it would not be for her benefit but for their children. I came to love those two beautiful girls, although I think the younger one is going to end up a soc, the elder one is a beautiful soul that will unfortunately be very damaged by her father. I think that if I let the mother know then maybe there is hope for them both (the children). But what holds me back is that she was (not sure if she still is) was still very firmly in the grasp of the arsehole. Plus, I have come very far in my healing and I really dont’ want anything to do with him or have any reminder of him. But I do care about those little ones. I never even got to say goodbye. If i thought that the ex wife would listen then i would do it as this one is not about me but the girls. But I dont’ think she would listen. So i haven’t and I wont. But it plays on my mind still.
I actually assumed in the end that he must have had another phone and other email address that I couldn’t find.
Peace and hugs to you PR
xx
Hi It Is Done Mmwah 🙂
OMG, sooooo hot, 44 degrees!
I am on the phone to centrelink (oh joy) but, air conditioner is belting out but, struggling to keep cool 😦
Still at least I’ve got some & I’ve watered my dog because, he won’t come inside as he’s in love with his bone 😉 won’t bring it in & guards it like it’s gold (lol)….He’s a black Pomeranian & looks like a bear 🙂 very cute & deaf so, happy that God spared him my voice (lol),
I tried to tell the ex (never divorced) but, the Soc’s grown children shut that down quick smart 😦
She thinks I’m nuts & god knows my trying to expose him probably made me appear that way???
Your Soc’s children will be okay but, they will grow up either like their father or their mother so, depends on who they are like?
My Soc has three adult children & two are definitely his enablers & the eldest is more like her Mum (I think) he kept me away from the eldest & I mainly dealt with his cohorts (surprise, surprise!).
He actually told me his eldest was his favourite because she was the nicest but, the younger two were fools (really)…yep, he said his second daughter was conniving & his son needed to be helped to scratch himself!
I know it stinks to see the innocent parties affected but, there is nothing you can do so, just move forward with your life & if you ever meet them, show them what a great role model you truly are for getting on with your life & making it a great one 🙂
How’s it going otherwise with you?
Have a look at Louise Hay’s affirmations & really absorb them into your soul, it will help you achieve your goal 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR
All good here. Some airconditioning would be good. Not in my current flat unfortunately, but it’s in a good position so it’s rarely needed.
Will do my next transfer in a few weeks. It’s the last one with his DNA so if it takes great, if not – great. It’s a win win situation.
Currently on a health kick (a permanent one). Been reading up on TCM and changed my diet. Have done some reading on wheat recently and am giving it up for good… unfortunately that means no Tim Tams – Ever! OMG!!!!! I think that will be harder than giving up the coffee and Alcohol that i have given up successfully!
Be well xx
Thanks It Is Done 🙂
No more Tim Tams (OMG) now that’s what I call strong 😉
I am off wheat also 🙂 & I don’t have dairy etc…moderate alcohol & no sugar! Argh but, once you get used to it, it becomes easier 🙂
I try to eat raw vege’s & fruit etc…I don’t eat processed food’s much but, have my treat’s on special occasions 🙂 I eat meat/chicken/fish for protein & not many carbs so, got the full health kick going as well 🙂
I am also a huge advocate of ‘The Billings Method’ & had two planned pregnancies & used no contraception & basically studied my cycle & knew my body well. I have 5 years between my children. My children are 16 & 21 now so, that was many years ago but, I believe the theory is still out there?
I didn’t have my first child until I was 29 & fell in on the 2nd try & for my second child, I fell in on the 1st try so, all I did was look after myself & really understand how I worked. Everyone works differently.
Good luck & keep trying to achieve your goal & don’t give up unless you have too?
Another hot day tomorrow….melting 😉
Keep well & peace to you 🙂
Love PR xoxo
I did not know I was the other woman,until we had been dating about two months. I can’t believe how naive, trusting and down right stupid I was. He even proudly showed me his long time girlfriends breakdown text messages, she was crying, threatening suicide, having panic attacks, etc. because once again he had dumped her for someone new, I was disgusted at her behavior, and her begging him and kissing ass, anything to get him back…but this was before I knew what madness and evil I had hooked up with. If I could save her now I would. He of course made her out to be crazy, on meds, etc. Oh how it all is clear now. He told me he kept her around to help with errands, watch tv with, etc.that they were just friends. But now he had found his soulmate….me. I knew deep down something was wrong with this pic, but I fell into his trap.
I didn’t know that i was the other woman either. He told me he had left his wife in February. I met him in November. He moved into a new apartment in December. Near the end of our 22 month relationship, I came to realise that he broke up with her in the December when he moved. He never moved out before he met me.
Of course she was crazy, the way that she was behaving 10 months after break up was ridiculous. This woman was completely deluded! Who behaved that way 10 months later? He showed me the texts, played me all the rantings on the phone. Poor him, she just wont let go. She was INSANE!
ummmm, no she wasn’t. She had just had her heart ripped out and her husband had been cheating on her AGAIN for over a month but this time left her for the new woman… ummm I was the new woman.
UGH! how horrible for her. How horrible for me. I would never have gone out with him if i had known.
Funnily enough it was my sister in law that said to me the ex’s reactions to the break up seemed like they were brand new and she questioned me to as to how sure i was that they broke up in February. She was never convinced. She was right!
Hi Sweet 🙂
We all fell into the trap but, take heart that we are out of it & some other poor woman is stuck in the web of deceit & betrayal. We are the lucky ones really as he didn’t devour us completely, some aren’t so lucky 😦
Stay on top of the heap, your an ex for a reason, you were too good for him & they can’t stand the competition 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. My Soc made me call one of the OW’s to confirm they were finished & I knew her & had heard it from her lips so, I rang to say I was considering dating him & she went ballistic & told me I could have him 😦
She told me he was a predator etc….I told him I wasn’t into that game etc…so, he left me alone for about six months then returned to say, he still wanted to see me & had been alone etc….the OW was long gone (she was) but, the other one wasn’t…..I had no idea what I was dealing with. I was flattered as my marriage just ended & so began 10 years of torture with the Soc 😦
I lost two friends & my credibility but, I have since apologised to the OW I contacted (17 years his senior & old enough to be his mother by the way, same age!!!) She was a good looking woman & he had chased her from when she was married to his good mate (he passed away) so, he went widow hunting….he loves a funeral, picked up the latest OW at one.
Can you see the pattern. He came to my fathers funeral & tried to pick up my girlfriend. She was too embarrassed & scared to tell me in case, it caused a problem for her & I. What a complete malevolent little a’hole this man is!
Still, I am standing stronger than ever & recently had a guy confess his love for me but, he’s married so, I will never ever go there.
The sisterhood needs to remember to hold their ground & knickers…unavailable is definitely a ‘No Contact’ area!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. At least I’ve still ‘got it’ Whatever ‘It,’is 😉
This person has been a great friend for years & I’ve always admired & fancied him 🙂
PRO: yep, my Spath had 2 phones. One for “work” and other for “personal”. Always did since I knew him. I actually believe there was a 3rd phone as I saw a couple of photos of him showing of the screen of another phone. Weird man lol. He had numerous email accounts.
A few months into our relationship, he added me to google maps so we can track where each of us was. I now look back and think that perhaps this was a control thing. I thought it was cute and wonderful back then but not now. I did check it a lot as well to see where he was. One day when it was his sisters wedding, he blocked me for the day so I couldn’t see his location. Weird considering that I actually gave him money to put towards the wedding. I wasn’t invited either but I had only known him for under a year so I didn’t mind. Then, one day he blocked me. This went on for 2 weeks. I asked him why he blocked me for so long. We got into a huge argument and he deleted me. He was acting really, really odd at this stage and I knew something wasn’t right with him. Just vibes I was getting. I pushed and pushed as it was affecting our relationship. Turns out that he was in trouble with the police for pointing a gun to a women’s head at an ATMS and demanding money. He was with a few others as well. He denied it. Explains why he blocked me as well, he didn’t want me to see where he was or what he was up too. I supported him throughout all of that saga. It went on for a year with me by his side and not telling anybody. Then I find out that same year about his betrayal and it was like a slap in the face. Here I was supporting him during an ordeal and not questioning his innocence and he was cheating. Absolute wanker.
Hiya Ex Def 🙂 😉
Yep, mine had three phones at one point & years ago, I found out he’s called a girlfriend of mine to ‘chat her up’ & he denied it etc…so, I said show me your phone, why did you call her?
He said he was ringing a girl in the typing pool at work, same name as he needed some documents typed up blah blah….he’s a commander in the fire brigade….he showed me the two names (same) & said he’d rung the wrong one & apologised. I was having trouble with my girlfriend as she was an alcoholic so, thought she was jealous (long story) etc….I only twigged recently that when you change phone companies & port your numbers across, they duplicate so, everyone comes up twice (hence two with same name) I wasn’t quick enough back them to say show me the actual numbers (doh!)….He had all the answers etc….
As for not getting invited to occasions, he didn’t invite me to his 50th birthday bash as it was supposed to be a surprise etc….but, now I know why as he had someone else there & his ex….he took great delight in showing me the pictures etc….& I didn’t realise the friend in the pictures etc…group shots was an OW, he said it was his friends wife blah blah…always an answer for his BS.
I tried to escape then as I didn’t like living like that & that’s when he got all his fireman friends to call me one night & tell me they’d never seen him like that & would I give him another chance….great manipulation here & when he turned up, I was putty in the wankers hands!!! LOL.
Mine was a nail biter & Louise Hays says that’s guilt eating away & insecurity (ya think)….LOL …
Love & Light Ex….PR xoxo
@ It is done,
I never knew I was the OW (one of three apparently) & he was still living with his ex when I came on the scene (no idea) so, he played the game til the end. He wanted the house so, he forced her out via the triangulation & tortured that poor woman by telling her about the OW’s 😦
He said he never loved his wife of 25 years 😦 & that if she wouldn’t give up smoking, he wouldn’t give up OW’s!!!
I said, that’s not a reason to leave a marriage because, your partner smokes but, he tells everyone that’s why. Even the new OW got that line of rubbish 😦 such a horrible man….’Something Wicked This Way Comes’, why didn’t I heed that warning???? LOL heeding it now!
Hi again everyone! I love the people on this site and am grateful to have found it especially now that my S and I decided to end our marriage last night. Getting past and undoing the 23 years of damage he has done to me is going to be a long, long, and very hard road. I’m going to be needing this site and the support from the people on it. I have a problem with navigating this site though, it’s very difficult. I made a post around Jan. 7 and have not been able to find it to go back to it, I find navigation very confusing. There was a post in particular to in response to mine that was really helpful and now I can’t find it to re-read it. Can anyone help please?
Do you mean difficulty finding posts or comments HM?
To find a post, there is a search facility, you just type in the name of the post.
To find a comment is more difficult. Especially on this particular post, as it are so many responses. Are you looking for a comment to a post, or an actual post?
Am happy that you have found a supportive environment in which you feel safe.
Is it one of your own comments that you are looking for? …
Hi H.M.Christi 🙂
Awww so sorry to hear that you have endured for 23 years but, so pleased to hear you are now FREE 😉 🙂 Yay You.
The liberation you will feel is amazing but, will take time to trawl through all the damage but, you can do it.
You have journeyed for 23 years so, you are amazingly resilient so, just do all the stuff recommended & really focus on yourself & your life from this moment on 🙂
We cannot change the past but, it has changed us & you 🙂 for the better as you will have grown so wise through your pain.
Ok so, re comments. At the bottom of these posts you will see ‘older comments’. Click on that & then you will have to scroll through the dates shown on each post until you find Jan 7th & related replies.
Hope that helps 🙂
Stay strong & brave & remember, you are worthy & beautiful & thankfully you have arrived here where your safe with us 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Now…. you explained that brilliantly. Thank you PR 🙂
Hi PR,
I agree with you whole-heartedly about the abandonment issues.
I love Eliza Doolittle too… I’m going to listen to the song, and probably get the album. 😉
Hi Jusa 🙂
You will love & relate to so many of her song’s so, get the album asap 🙂
Blew me away, more messages from above via an angel voice:)
Love PR xoxo
Over 1 week of no contact – yay!!! hehe. I have no desire to contact him at this stage 😀 I think receiving that message from his ex-wife has helped a lot. Even though I didn’t respond to her, it was nice to hear from someone that he was suppose to have loved as well confirming that he isn’t a good man.
Although, I think he has tried to get me to make contact with him. Only my suspicions of course. He changed his profile picture to something that meant something to us both within our relationship. Also, sent a “test contact” message, which people randomly do on blackberry’s that are actually completely useless and, I personally think, it is a way for the person to get people to respond to them.
This forum has helped a lot as well. I just keep thinking that I always feel like crap and anxious when I talk to him.
Yay Ex Def 🙂
Remember, they say the same things to us all & the OW in my story got the same ‘love bombing’ lines I got because, they work! You think that what they say is exclusive to you but, in my case if the line works etc…it gets used over & over 😦
Remember how he makes you feel & deal with that as that’s the truth unfortunately & a real man, doesn’t do the stuff a Soc does remember that!
Your doing so well, don’t undermine yourself by thinking he want’s contact because, he does but it’s just for more supply & gaming. They cannot leave anything alone if they haven’t let it go…they don’t like being ‘shut down’. They like to do the shutting & get really ‘pissed’ if you do it. Like having the last word etc….childish til the end.
Stay Strong, it’s hard but, the prize is worth it & you are the PRIZE! 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Ex well done you for one week of no contact. You will find that as you move forward that you can start to relax knowing that they are not going to give you anymore drama, turning your world upside down. Yes it is painful, but also it is like having a piece of blank white paper…. you can begin to create your life the way that you want to
Sounds like he is playing stupid games with the changing his profile photo (block him and you don’t have to see that) – and the test contact was to get your attention too. Well done you for a week…. as your time moves on you will gain in strength 🙂 🙂
“I always feel like crap and anxious when I talk to him.”
That’s an important fact I keep going back to in my deal. In my mind, I had these feelings whenever our several-times-aday chats or texts occurred. He would ALWAYS say something that got me all twisted inside, or I would have to ball him out for saying such mean, negative things all the time. It was exhausting. I prayed for it to go away, and now that he’s got someone new to gaslight and love bomb, all I can say is thankyou “universe”!
My last take on this, in a different thread, was how I made the decision to finally, once and for all, begin to date others. Hell, at least just the act of putting myself out there on various dating sites had made me feel better. Ironically, a chat that began only last weekend nosedived into oblivion when I called this person out on his suspicious GQ pic he uses on this site, and the fact that I wasn’t calling him a liar, but he was coming on way strong with “would you be the one to build a new life/house together with me in Chelsea, England?” WTF? We hadn’t even talked on the phone yet, much less met. I dunno, it came across as phony and I simply said “ok, here’s an instant shot of me from my comp. send me one of you with bed-head” LOL! Ugh- his attitude in his text was cold and dismissive, and he never emailed since then. Did I just bust another psychopath in the making? Weird
But I don’t want to disway anyone from meeting new folks. It surely doesn’t dampen my spirits because I already knew there are plenty of weird ones out there. Someone mentioned above that you become maybe too hyper-sensitive and untrusting after dealing with these spaths, but I don’t think so. Even if you have had many relationship troubles and such, I think that shows that you just don’t put up with bullsh!t for very long. And there are plenty of bullsh!tters out there. I have no patience for rudeness, ego, etc. Why I dumped my spath so early on in our deal, but he always came back and played the game with me better and stronger, only to have the mask fall off once again leading me/us to fall into either NC or long, drawn out emails he used to take the time to send. I saved many of his emails under a folder labeled “unbelievably sh!tty” just so I can revisit the drivel he used to try and control me as well.
Mine never had two phones, but he did have many emails, one handle was “adononis26@blah blah- I should’ve known right there what a prick he thought of himself. I didn’t realise adonis had a double chin! HA! But I soon learned of not only his messed-up behavior but also a bad family dynamic, one he warned me of and I got to experience many times through him bitching about it. I felt sorry for him, coming from a fairly normalized family and lots of love from my mom esp.
Why I miss her so much, how gracious she was with even him, and he dare say mean things about her! Oh HELL no, I would say, you don’t ever speak ill of her! But he had no exceptions, all except for his on self and how great he is! T-total prick. But, I think it’s just as important to really think about and be aware of HOW your “love” makes you feel. I would do anything to have put a stop to this much sooner, but I fell into the well. These spaths are just very cunning, so I don’t beat myself up for what’s happened, or even my latest transgression with him just the other day! NC will come back to me, I really had to just have a little more time with licking my wounds and not allowing him to make me feel any way he wants to. I control that now, atleast….
I would like to thank all that responded to my posts. It has now been 1 month and 2 days of n/c. I know I need to return to my therapist. She is very smart. I did not want to hear what she said about me being angry about this other woman. I felt he was mine and if she was not around…everything would have been fine. It would have not been because he can not and did not feel for me. I do not know if any others feel like me but I am not to a point I feel anger towards him. Sick I know. I do not see how he and the OW have maintain a relationship over the last 11 years of she is as mean and evil as he says she is. I am not sure what kind of relationship it is really. I have so many ?’s but all the answers will be the same as all of yours. I know this to be true. Someone asked….did I cheat? I did. I am ashamed. I ask for continued help from all of you. I got in way over my head to something that was way bigger than anything I have ever experienced. I did not see it coming. Bam….I was sucked right up. Please if you have ideas that could help me move on…please by all means….I will want to hear them.
Hi Becky, I want you to know that 1 month and 2 days, is still early days, and things are going to feel raw. They likely would if you had split with someone who was ‘normal’. I know that you say that you are not at the point where you feel anger. This is normal too, as you are still in early days and coming to terms with everything. The first stage of the grieving and healing process, is ‘denial’ this doesn’t mean that you deny what has happened, more that you go into a period of shock, and the question of ‘why’ a fog of confusion. It can take a while to process everything that has happened to you. Just take it easy on yourself. Try to forgive yourself too, and realise that time is your best friend. Try to treat yourself as your very best friend. We all make mistakes in life, all of us, and sometimes choosing to give our heart to someone who is not right for us, even this can take some element of forgiveness. Feeling betrayed, can be heartbreaking, and the worst kind of feeling.
I promise you that you will feel better, as time goes on. As you allow more ‘life’ into your world, you will grow. The more life that comes into your world, the smaller he will become to you. This is all part of the process of ‘letting go’. But it can be difficult to let go when we are still trying to work through things. It sounds to me, like this is where you are at right now. Try to do one thing each day to make you smile. Write a list of things that are special and unique about you. Write a list of things that you want to achieve in life. Try to bring into your world, some things that are about you, that make you feel happy. Or even smile.
Thank you positive girl for your words. I really don’t know where I am. Had a difficult day today. One month and 14 days have now passed and nc. This is hard for me to comprehend. I am 55 years old and show know better. I am so ashamed. People that marry the S …..I do not see how they live. It is certainly a life I could not live.
I do have my phone, email, facetime, facebook blocked so he cannot contact me. I have her blocked also on facebook. For a few days after the goodbye I left my f/b open. I saw all of their happiness right there in from of me and it was way too painful for me. I could not deal with seeing that everyday. I had to block. I mentioned he wanted to tell my brother in law about us….it was my sister’s husband. Not that it matters who it was…what was the need to tell it.
Still cant believe I allowed this person into my life.
Hey true blue, don’t give yourself a hard time. It is not that you allowed ‘him’ into your life. You allowed someone who was masking a persona to be who you wanted to see. You didn’t allow that into your life, he jumped in and manipulated you…. if he had told you what he was really like when you first met him, I am sure that you wouldn’t have allowed it to happen.
@ TrueBlue – it’s NOT your fault! They are manipulative and know what to say to suck you in, then take over your life and control you by drama and isolation. Everyone on this site has been through this – so you’re in a great place, because we all understand.
@trueblue, what we allowed was we thought was love. What we learned is that on a relationship love have to be reciprocal, that we will allow to love, but we will allow to be loved back. Forgive yourself, remain strong, better days are ahead
@becky
How the NS leaves you, is how the NS leaves everyone. It’s their MO. So how you were left, is how the NS will leave their current victim. No one is special, or except, Unless they are the “enabler” and who wants to be the lifetime victim. Not I! I have watched my ex, cycle through 2 relationships after me, he is about to dump the current, same exact way. I almost feel bad, for them. Except they make my life hell. So too bad. In time your pain will lessen because you will heal, where did I read it? I can’t remember, anger is a form of denial, I think it was a child rearing book, I think anger covers several true emotions.
Have a great day, be good to you!!
NIBSIH.
Hi NIBSIH 🙂
My ex husband left after 19 years & I’m still chasing him 10 years later.
If it hadn’t been for him , I would never have met the Soc!
Our car was leased & he stopped the payments so, I had to sell it to get rid of the debt. The Soc had two jobs, a fireman & car dealer & I was referred by a friend to him via his mistress…argh!!!
I had to sell my home, my car etc…without the support of my parents, I would have been ruined 😦
My ex is still angry that I got to keep most of the sale money after all his debt’s were cleared so, punishes me by withholding child support! He hasn’t filed a tax return for over 10 years so, govt agencies cannot collect from him! He works cash-in-hand now so, really hard to prove his income. He still gambles, drinks & smokes whilst we struggle.
Great guys aren’t they & then I had to top off that fool with the Sociopath!…..Still standing & getting stronger & the benefits of staying strong are paying off in other ways.
My daughter told me last night that, ‘I am her greatest role model & she is so glad that she is ‘mini-me’ & not her father’.
My son told me recently that,’ he thinks I’m an amazing Mum’ & he wasn’t hungry! LOL
Stand strong ladies, they will not overcome us 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR
WOW!! Now THAT is the greatest compliment ever!! The children make it so worth it, (at times)!! What the children perceive as they are grow up with their toxic parent, is always amazing as to what their perception becomes into adulthood, (my older boys are angry and still in a abusive environment they refuse to see for what it is). My daughter, 12, actually thanked me for taking care of her this week, (she was hit on her eyebrow bone trying to play lacrosse, by a huge boy, 10 ft away 😡). I was so happy, what 12 year thanks anyone?
As far as the NS – nothing I can do about him. He is the same as always. Thank God he never changes. Lol. I just get annoyed by the fact he always gets away with everything, it’s always the children who suffer. Sigh, we all get our turn in the hot seat. Great thing about life, it’s not a straight road, hopefully he doesn’t see the hairpin turn coming one day!
NIBSIH! 😘
NIBSIH 🙂
Relax, Karma catches up with them, that I can assure you of.
My ex looks terrible & I don’t think he’s very well at all so, his demons have caught up with him big time!
I had a dream the other night about my NS…
I was shopping & his daughter approached me & showed me a photo of the NS on life support.
I didn’t react & she said, you did this & as I looked at the picture, one of the tubes was out but, the rest were attached to OW’s but, mine wasn’t!
Ahhh, now that’s a dream not a nightmare & a message for me that I am no longer a source of supply or life support.
Your son’s will eventually wake up hopefully but, your daughter is still yours so, keep being the fabulous mother you are & it will all be good 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S….I just realised, I can’t spell Phoenix…OMG!!! LOL xoxo
We are “special” to them as long as we have something special that they need (money, sex, a house, control…you name it)…Just give it time and no contact and everything will be better…the scar can be there, but no longer it will hurt and with time it will only mean that we have survived our trip to the hell and were able to get alive and stronger out of the Pinocchio hands..
Never envy the mask of happiness that a Pinnochio paints…
Now that I am painfully “educated” thru the school of hard knocks of a soc “relationship” and I use that word lightly….I wonder about the near misses and potential disasters of other guys I dated but quickly ran from or they ran..example…guy on second date who gently poked my stomach and told me I look good, but don’t let it get any bigger (my stomach)… guy who texted me the minute I got home from 1st date wanting to “book” me for next sat. night, when I replied “let me get back to you”, angrily responded, “don’t bother, if you have to think about it, forget it!”…guy on second date who said…”how does it feel to be with a guy who finally
“gets you”? And last but not least, mr. disappearing act……we had three great dates, I was so excited….we had a 4th date all planned…he disappeared into thin air just like that. Never heard from him again. Were they just jerks,weirdos, a–holes? Sociopaths? Psychopaths? It’s a tough world out there for single women no matter what your age or the man’s age.
Hi Sweet 🙂
Keep working on healing & truly believing you are worthy of a great person in your life.
The Sociopath is a fool who beleive’s he has everyone fooled so, that makes the Sociopath the biggest fool.
You attract what you give out so, stop & really work on yourself.
I worked out, I attract the jerks etc…because, deep down I didn’t truly love & value myself so, I looked to the wrong men for love. Love is blind & makes you act out of your heart not your head.
Your no mans fool & men sense that & are attracted to the challenge, especially the physcho’s & Soc’s
They want to break the strong heart but, you are to powerful.
Stand your ground, keep your head, don’t give up. You will kiss a lot of toads before you find a frog prince! Lol
Love & Light 🙂
Keep being sweet & free
PR xoxo
I’m only 18 and I just got out of a relationship with my sociopathic boyfriend. I hope this will be the last time, but who knows. We’ve been together for almost 2 years. When I first met him, I was getting out of a bad relationship. He showered me with gifts, took me out to dinner every night, and eventually professed his love to me. He was perfect. I mean completely 100% the perfect boyfriend. Everyone was so jealous of me. After about 4 months, things changed. He gained complete control over me. We hung out every single day, not because he wanted to be with me, but because he didn’t want me to be with anyone else. He started to use some of the secrets I had told him against me. I realize now that he was doing this because he knew it would hurt me the worst. He completely destroyed my confidence. I’ve always been a really confident person, and now I feel completely worthless. He wanted me to be so dependent on him that he was the only thing that could make me feel like I had a purpose in life. He cheated on me. Lied to me about the smallest things. It was never until I threatened to leave that he would apologize and I mean really apologize. He made me all these promises like that he would see a counselor, marry me, move in with me. And I believed him.
About 6 months into our relationship he told me that he likes being dominating during sex, and I agreed to try it. He would hit me. Call me a whore. Say I was his sex slave. And after we tried it the first time, that’s all our sex was. He said it was just an act, but I almost think that’s how he really felt.
He was very emotionally abusive. He would constantly tell me how much of a slut I was and how no one but him could ever love me. I believed it. things never really got physical, unless he was drunk. And then it was pretty scary.
He basically abandoned me and I don’t understand why I’m having a hard time letting him go. Maybe he’s not a sociopath, but he seems to fit the profile. I don’t know what to do. Please help
Another thing about him, is that he has no goals in life. He has no close friends. I’m taking things day by day, it’s honestly so hard to get up in the morning. I’m still hoping he will change, and apologize to me. I just don’t know what to do. My family and friends are great but they don’t really get it. They don’t understand how manipulated I was. Or the fact that he brain washed me into being completely dependent on him.
becca21, the thing is that they cant really change. As the pattern will always repeat. The best would be if you could accept them for who they are. And know who they are. If you wanted that. But it wont get better, and you would always know that they would screw you over at any time should he wish.
Yes – he did brainwash you to be dependent on him completely. Read the post ‘the relationship is over, take me to your drug dealer’….. (do a search) it explains why.
A lot of the earlier posts will explain if you go back to the beginning and go through them. We are here for you.
Hi Becca, I am so sorry that I missed your message. From what you describe, it does sound like you have been with a sociopath. You are having a hard time letting him go, as he deliberately creates dependency – which creates addiction to him. Remember how you said he wanted to be with you all of the time. Not because he wanted to be with you, but because he didn’t want you to be with anyone else. To quit him, you have to go No Contact to get over the addiction. Take one day at a time. Read through posts here, and also comments. I write about coping with the pain of discard. And how to stick to no contact. The more that you allow YOUR life in…. the bigger your world will grow, and the smaller that he will seem 🙂 welcome to the site!
Hi Becc21
Your friends & family love & support you but, they cannot understand what you have been through & thank-god for that. In order for anyone to ‘get it’ they have to have experienced it.
Hold on to their love & support, you really need them now & they will keep you grounded in real & normal life.
The realm if the Sociopath & the answers & search you are on will play with your mind until you can rationalise & fully comprehend the anormity of the Sociopath & the control/manipulation/brainwashing that we have all been subjected to.
Keep reading, listening, supporting yourself & others. It’s the only way back to you & it’s a damn hard journey. You go to hell & back mentally/physically & spiritually but, you will grow from this pain in ways you never believed possible. The Sociopath is really a test & if you take this experience to it’s bare bones, you will be amazed at the great power of your our self awareness & self respect.
Keep No Contact if you can, it is for the best. You will keep going around the circle of pain if you don’t. This is your journey but, you are not alone & we are all here for you but, ultimately this is your choice so, choose wisely as you deserve a good life & you are worthy of being in an authentic realationship. There is no gain in a relationship with a Sociopath, only loss of yourself.
Be brave & strong.
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
I sit there and think that as well. How could I have been so stupid. I was at the prime of my life really (I guess I still am). While my friends and family were getting married and having children, I was sitting around and waiting and listening to, what would end up being, broken promises. and getting abused when I would question where the relationship was heading. Apart from a bit of time and a couple of meals here and there, I contributed so much towards the relationship. All I walked away with was a hat he got me and a therapist, an empty bank account and low self-esteem. I swear I was the cheapest girlfriend around.
Ditto That Ex…;) We all wasted valuable time on these fools but, don’t waste anymore worry about the time lost. You have plenty of time ahead.
I wasted 10 years so, 50 last year…I have to let that go as it was a huge & long winded lesson…I ‘get it’ now!
He was long winded come to think of it…blah, blah,blah….big wind bag really…like a balloon, let the air out & nothing to show except a limp bit of rubber (lol)…
PR xoxo
Yep, definitely lesson learnt, even though it was a hard one to have to learn. Sad that people like this take advantage of our innocent thoughts about love. Sad that we will never look at love the same way either. I believe that something wonderful is bound to happen to all of us for the torment and trauma that was caused by these horrible people.
I am having one of those “hard days”. I feel like money is being spent everywhere this month and finding it hard to keep my head above water with all the bills and expenses that I am paying this month. February will be an easier month thankfully. I just kick myself for giving money to my Spath and I know that I have to stop thinking that way as it is money I will never see again but I will go crazy and bitter if I continue to curse him for my loss. There is so much more to life than money but it can be hard to think that way when it is a hard month financially 🙂
Hi Ex Def 😉
Like you, am treading water financially. Had to have root canal treatment so, that put me back somewhat ;-(
Still, we will make it as we always do, some people have a lot less so, I just hang on & am grateful for what I do have….teeth 😉
It wil get better as time passes & your life is your own & you can plan your expences etc….sometimes its overwhelming & you are not alone.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
After my relationship with Pinocchio my financial status is a disaster, I lent money to him (a lot of money) , he signed a contract about this personal loan, but last time we had contact, he kept saying he didn’t owe me. He took one of my credit cards and put in on red numbers, he began to pay it, and then, as always he broke his promise. I am trying to make amends and negotiating with my creditors, when they ask of the reason of my financial burden all I can think is about how naive I was and how easy will be if they understand that I just crashed with a sociopath!
Hi NMI 🙂
If your creditors don’t understand then, know that we do 🙂
Creditors are big Sociopaths they give you something & want so much more in return.
Just explain your financial position & work out a payment plan that you can afford. Tell them you’ve been ripped off by someone you trusted, it is nothing to be ashamed of as, it happens all the time!!!
But, like Sociopaths, they will make you pay & pay…..
Can someone loan you the money to pay the creditors & then you pay that person back without all the interest etc…???
I just took an overdraft for something the Soc caused for me so, you are never alone but, I am proud of you for surviving & I’m proud of myself too 😉
Keep Going & Create the best life you can, you deserve it!
Thinking of You & sending you a big hug (0) that’s a hug 😉
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@nmi
I know how you feel too!! When my ex politely asked me to leave with my/our 4 children. I had everything in my name. So in the process of our divorce, everything became “my debt” okay 7 years later I (yes, me) paid everything off, even the bills he agreed to pay, I am fighting him in court to pay me back. I WILL GET THAT MONEY BACK BEFORE I DIE DAMMIT, ITS MINE! And it also gains interest yearly, I also get pain and suffering on to it too! Ha! I am a bit angry about this, trying to let go. Hmm no I can’t.
NIBSIH 😡
@nmi
Question? Are any of these purchases authorized on your credit card can be proven they were made by you? If not I would tell NS you will be filing a small claims motion against him to pay you back. Because why would you need X,Y,Z. And ask credit card company to send you the receipt of payments, which would back up any verbal claims this was NOT a gift, it was a loan. And if he doesn’t pay it it will be a theft and he will be charged as so.
If you really need it, go for it accompanied by a person you trust. Remember to take everything that belongs to you, so the process doesn’t have to be repeated.
@ KITS….Hi 🙂
I would take someone with you to back you up so, that you are not alone with him.
If you must go then, write on a post it note all the things he has made you feel & how betrayed you have been.
On another, write how empowered & strong you are to know the truth & how you deserve so much better than him.
In BIG RED LETTERS, write he’s a SOCIOPATH & this is BUSINESS for him.
Disengage your thoughts & take back your POWER 🙂
Get whatever it is & leave asap & go have a nice drink somewhere to celebrate your strength & freedom 🙂
They love to create ‘ties’ to them so, this is a connection back so, be careful & think with your head not your heart.
Your Heart deserves better so, save it for someone worthy 🙂
Good Luck & Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Thank you PR! I’m taking the necessary steps to regain not only my sanity, but my financial stability. I know tha we are survivors and better days are happening just because our Pinnichios are far far away. Please keep me on your prayers, the next months will be decisive for me…
Always in my prayers NMI 🙂
Look how far you have come & the amazing support you have given.
Just hang in there & know you are walking with friends 🙂
Be brave bella & keep going, you will get there 🙂
Love PR xoxo
PR, I know, right now I’m trying to mend the broken pieces. Nothing will be the same, but I’m sure that will be better.
Right now is better. I don’t have someone using the most horrible words against me, “teaching me a lesson”, saying “I love you, but I can’t be with you because I know who you are”, using my hard earned money for our “home”, a ” home” where he brought another women the same day I went on a business trip. Right now I don’t have to look at the floor to avoid another jealousy episode…Phoenix rising …
.
Good night and a bigger abrazo (hug) to you.
All the charges can be proved, because he lives on the states an I am on an Caribbean island. The charges go to fixes of his car, a
$4, 000 bike, travels to see his child on another state…and the list go to more than $10, 000.00. I decided to let it go, I’m on a delicate position, cause a case on the court can harm my career, and I can’t imagine what he is capable of doing. I have already watched what he did when he say he “loves” me…I jimagine what he can do when he hate .
I just think that I am paying for my freedom and sanity and that someday justice will be served, giving him all what he deserves, nothing more, nothing less.
Your a good person NMI 🙂
It still stinks but, sometimes you just have to keep your priorities safe 🙂
Remember though that things he’s purchased come with negative energy & hopefully he’ll ride his bike off a cliff 😉
Visiting his child, that’s a least going somewhere positive & the child has benefited 🙂
Just stay you & find your PEACE, you live on a Caribbean island (bliss)…
PR xoxo
You made me laugh, last time he was here he had a very bad accident on the bike that his exlover (a married woman without a job have give him as a “gift”)…lifes give to you what is yours , life get from you what isn’t yours.
If someday your wings bring you to this side of the planet tell me, maybe we can do the first sociopath survivor congress
! Dulces sueños! Sweet dreams!
@PR and NMI
PR
You are so quick! Lol. I wanted to put that in about the cliff and you beat me! Hahaha! My stupid hands move to slow!
And NMI
You are a good person, (do not allow NS to change who you are), ah forgive is easier than you think, forget is very difficult and to trust again, well THAT takes time. Try not to be angry, makes you age faster, and you certainly do NOT want THAT!
NMI 🙂 likewise if you ever get to Australia 🙂
Sweet & peaceful dreams awake & asleep too you!
PR xoxo
@PR, Puerto Rico
@ no more insanity. That is a great way to put it. I tried a couple of times to get the money I am owed back. I tried to play his game and be all nice and ask if he could be able to help me. This is what he used to always say. He claimed he had no money and was unable to help but would if he had money. He asked where he is suppose to get money from to help me. I said that he always found a way. In the end, I know that I won’t see a dime of it.
Funny thing is that he cries poor but can go and buy a motorbike or a new phone or fork out for a wedding!! He had debt collectors knocking on his front door as well and he would take a photo and send it to me and asked if I could help him and going on about how sick it was making him feel. When he went out and got the motorbike, he sent a photo of it to me. I asked him how he would afford to pay for it considering that he has people chasing him for money. He said it wasn’t his but a friend’s. A couple of days later he admitted it was his. They just have no money sense at all.
He was on bankruptcy two times. When I discovered it, he said it was his exwifes fault. He left his last exwife with more than
$20, 000 on debt, and his answer for her claims is that she can go to bankruptcy too, that he can recommend a lawyer. ..I’m trying to be responsible with my creditors, the process is hard and full of shame, but not as shameful as allowing him something to do with me again…
It is scary to hear how similar all of our stories are. Sometimes when I read them I think “hmmm I wonder if they were involved with the same person as me” lol.
They are similar, which is scary, but good to know you’re not alone. Mine’s a bit different, so I thought it worthwhile posting. The more knowledge we have, the better 🙂
Hi Ex Def 🙂
Same Sociopath just in a different body & mask!
We all ask that question & I sometimes wonder when the OW will show up here????
A Sociopath song….
Just remember we are all different & individual & they will never have our authenticity or truth 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi there. This is a really useful site. I’ve read through most of it this morning, including the stories of others dreadful experiences with sociopaths. My story (so far) is a little different, and I welcome comments.
First, a potted history: met on the internet – check, moved fast (told me he loved me within 6 weeks of chatting, moved interstate to live with me 9 months later ) – check, said all the right things (I will take care of you, I will support you, I will never leave you, you’re beautiful) – check.
We have been living together 8 months now, and his 12 yo son recently moved in with us (I have 2 boys of similar age)
I have always had the feeling his love is an act, well practised moves and words that are designed to elicit maximum effect. I can’t say why I’ve had that feeling, just my gut.
He is a good partner, a good step dad to my kids, he has provided for us while I’ve tried to get work. I won’t say he never puts a foot wrong – little things all people do (too much time on computer, a little lazy, things all couples irritate each other with).
The difference is, he ADMITS he is a sociopath, or has sociopathic tendencies.
I can see it in his emotional detachment, his overblown ego, his certainty that he is cleverer than anyone around him. He has openly stated that he can manipulate anyone.
Why do I not run screaming? Good question.
He has told me a story about his past. He says that he was an extremely intelligent child and felt superior to those around him, including his teachers. He was chubby and couldn’t play sport due to an accident, and was bullied, so learned to manipulate and used people shamelessly from about age 12 just for the sheer pleasure of doing it. Because he could.
He admits to having had no conscience, no morals and a dreadful temper. He left school at 15 (too boring) and led a life of alcohol, drugs and other criminal pursuits. He married and got into stable work, had three kids, adopted her three, and lived a fairly normal life.
At about 30 he had a breakdown, a bad one. It was related to his marriage ending and going bankrupt. That was over 10 years ago.
According to his story, he changed himself. He says he didn’t like what he was, and slowly rebuilt his personality. That bad person is still inside, but he keeps tight control over it. When I tried to talk to him about that bad part of him one night, I really pushed him, and he had a panic attack. It seemed real, but no way of knowing. He looked horrified, really horrified. I’ve never seen that look in anyone’s eyes before (except in horror movies!).
When I once asked him if he was a sociopath, he took a while to answer, then said, “Would that be a problem?”
Sorry for the long story, but I thought others might find it interesting as it’s a slightly different pattern to other presentations.
As to why I’m still here? He’s good to us. He’s perhaps lost his temper once (with me) but regained it quickly, no violence; I’ve never caught him out in a lie; he’s not controlling in any concrete way (sometimes I think he withholds sex lol); he likes my family and friends and wants to spend time with them; I’ve met his family and friends when I visited interstate; he is calm; he admits when he’s wrong; he supports me emotionally and with kindness, even when he doesn’t understand why I react the way I do (he’s very logical); his kids love and respect him, and mine do too; he rarely drinks; no drugs; his worst vices are smoking cigarettes and looking at porn, which he doesn’t hide from me. Life is happy. But…….I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Has anyone had a similar experience?
I did something today against everything I said I was going to do. I replied to the ex-wife. I also apologised if I made her upset in my initial message. Her response was that her life was ruined by the Spath and that she must move on for her boy and God bless me and my family. I responded but I don’t expect to get a reply back. I would understand if I don’t hear back from her. He is in her past and she is trying to move on.
You made a step for your liberation. Remember that is enough, close that chapter and don’t try to look for another response. Sometimes we consciously or inconsciously contact the OW trying to make sense to all this insanity, another time as a last resort to keep knowing about him. Be careful with this type of contact, you don’t know if she is still his victim or if she is a survivor as you.
@ Josie. It is hard to be with a sociopath and just waiting for that explosion so I don’t blame you for the way you feel especially knowing the behaviours of a Sociopath. I have to say though, these people don’t change, they just get better at pretending. I found your story very interesting and you seem quite positive, which is always great. I think that coming on here and telling us your story is great and you are researching the patterns of a Sociopath. Knowledge is power in these situations. I hope for your sake, he continues to be the way he is towards you. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Thank you. Yes, that they don’t change is what worries me. It’s like he’s built an alternate persona over that core of sociopathy, but it’s a very nice one. He seems to genuinely want to be that person. I have no illusions that I can “handle” him. If he chooses to let that bad man out, the only thing I can do is run.
i have been told I have very good “ego strength”, so I am not easily manipulated. However, would I even know?
At the moment, he is just a good man who loves me and my kids. My son is going through a hard time and has depressive characteristics. When I took him to the doctor yesterday, the doctor asked him who he talks to when he needs it. Without hesitation, he replied, “Mum’s partner.” Also when I asked my boy who he respected, my partner was the first one he mentioned.
So I will enjoy this happy family, but always be alert.
Thanks for your reply 🙂
I will be moving into my new house in a couple of months. My mum helped me with the land loan deposit (cheers Sociopath for taking my money and making me have to borrow from my mum!) so I will be getting a housemate so I can pay my mum back.
There is one thing I have to thank my Sociopath for. It is how cautious I am now when it comes to protecting myself. I have downloaded a housemate agreement from the RTA (Residential Tenancy Agency) and also started to type up house rules. Nothing nazi like and I have asked her to contribute to the rules as well. I am yet to hear back from her but I have decided that if she is unwilling to sign an agreement than she isn’t moving into my house. In the past I wouldn’t have done anything, I probably would have just agreed that she could move in and pay me rent and trusted that a person would do the right thing.
How a person changes when they get burnt by a Sociopath!!!
I don’t blame you one bit. I read that 1 in 25 people show sp tendencies. That is scary and makes me look at the people around me…