I am in crisis. I think the Spath I am trying to get away from
overheard me talking about them on the phone when I thought it was safe. I saw the dark eyes and anger after… I think they are going to frame me for a crime that was coercion due to the fear and control they have over me. I have been trying to get out, but they won’t let me
even though they discarded me, they keep me in their trap due to
my lack of income and resources (it is very complicated). I am forced to still live with them as I have nowhere to go and it’s all very complicated.
I could end up homeless or jailed.
They have prestige and power and everyone believing them.
I don’t have resources to get out and they have been abusing and using me. None of the agencies or org I have contacted can help me and suggest things that will only make it worse or impossible to do.
This person does not seem like your typical non-working type.
They have a high paying, well respected job (but still keep milking me
in ways that looks legit). They are masters of framing and manipulating. I have been trying to get assistance, but they are too powerful and cover all their tracks.
The delay tactics have been evident, but they are rapid, creating so much chaos that my life is in crisis trying to keep up with dealing with them and I am exhausted and PTSD. And each delay tactic
puts me in more isolation and more incapable of getting out.
What usually happens with a Spath like this when they find out you are telling people and they are still in control of you?
I fear for homelessness and legal action taken against me.
They have taken everything and soon I will have no options.
I have no one to take me in.
In all the stories I read where people get out, they have family
or friends to help them out, take them in. They have some money
to be able to recoup. My story is diff (and I don’t feel safe with all the details here) due to my dependence on them for housing and my health status.
I cannot prove what they are doing, but they can frame me.
Help!!!!!! I feel like my life is going to be over soon as I wait for whatever they decide to do to take me down.
Has anyone had this situation, where they were in this position
of not being able to get out, having the Spath find out you
were telling on them and trying to get out?
@ trueblue. The OW could be so heavily dependent on him that she doesn’t feel strong enough to leave. That’s how the Spaths work, they make us be dependent on them and we can also start to believe that we don’t deserve any better than them. You ask if he plays the same games with her. I believe he would. Imagine 11 years of those games. It would be emotionally exhausting.
I was the one that was in the relationship first with my Spath than the OW came along. I have no idea when or how she came along but he has his version of events and I don’t believe it. I believe it happened a lot sooner than he is telling me as that is when his behaviour started to changed towards me……..when he found a new toy to play with. Going by my experience being the first one out of me and the OW, I can’t imagine what your OW is feeling but I was a wreck after finding out about my Spath. 11 years of that. Wow, she is probably ready to go to the loony bin.
@trueblue. Give yourself more credit. Being 55 doesn’t mean you should have known better. It just means that he is an extremely good con artist. Never feel ashamed that you loved someone 🙂 It is a very, very hard thing to get your head around. We all completely understand. You are doing so well with no contact. Keep going with that and keep talking to us.
@trueblue
Everyone doesn’t have the same level of self-awareness, strength of character, or integrity. If a person doesn’t know if s/he deserves better, is self-defeating, or just grows comfortable and doesn’t want something else more, s/he could stay in a holding pattern for years.
When we make a compromise that says, I know this is wrong, I will do it anyway, if only for a time, we have just chosen our team and willingly enslaved ourselves, making it that much harder to overcome because now we will carry some guilt as our unconscious recognizes we chose this. So then, to overcome, we have to now contradict ourselves , sometimes against pride of the ego.
Other people around us will be happy to support our perceived goodness because telling someone the real truth about themselves, with love, is harder. We risk our own relationship with someone when we contradict their deep-seated wants.
I believe one of the reasons Positiva recommends concentrating on self instead of OW is because your struggle is with you, not them. They have their own path and struggle, and even understanding it won’t enlighten your own. We come to this life alone, and we leave it alone. Who we become in the process is between us and God.
Ok – I left my SP in October and have had contact only once when I had to get my belongings (Dec 1). He texts me once every week or two, I rarely respond, and if I do it is something rude.
Anyway, his most current text says “I’m always here if you ever need anything whatsoever no matter what”. I laughed at it and did not respond. However, I am going out of town in two weeks and need someone to watch me dog.. He would be a good candidate as he lived with my dog for a year and a half, and it would be a lot less stressful than having her boarded.
I am 100% over him (I was over it for ten months before I finally left him), is it dangerous to have him watch my dog? Please talk me out of this!
I am so happy I found this website. Knowing I am not alone throughout this battle has been comforting. I definitely am going to post my story here. Even if nobody reads it, I find myself seeing how horrible he treated me as I write it all down for me to read back. It’s so eye opening, scary even.
I met him just over 2 years ago. He approached me through a Facebook message. I had briefly known him in high school, not very well, but I had always thought he was cute. It had been years since I had even spoken to him, and actually forgot he existed (I wish it stayed that way). From the moment we spoke, it was an instant connection. We had all the same interests, the same dry humour, everything. It was scary how well we could hold a conversation. We began to talk everyday for hours. He gave me constant attention, wanting to hear from me all of the time. It was flattering, but almost a little excessive at times. He wanted to meet me so bad, and seemed obsessed. I finally went and met him, and from that day on we were inseparable. We spent every single day together. When we weren’t together, he was talking to me. I fell hard, real fast. He told me he loved me within like 2 weeks of the relationship. From then on it just started to go downhill. I’ll write in point form so that it’s easier to read rather than huge paragraphs:
– had a huge social group at first, he did not have hardly any friends
– would come out with me at first, but would get extremely intoxicated, and would be almost embarrassing. Became jealous of guy friends involved in the group, and I was told by several of my friends that they heard him talking when I wasn’t around that he was going to “beat the shit” out of the guy I was talking to (who had been a friend since grade 7, and I hadn’t seen him in years)
– stopped coming out with me, would sulk if I wanted to go out
– anytime I’d be out with friends I would get constant texts, wondering where I was. If I didn’t reply within 15 minutes I’d get harassing phone calls, asking me where the fuck I was, and “fuck this relationship”
– my entire time out with friends would be spent texting him, reassuring him nothing was happening, telling him he could trust me.
– it would just be a fight the next day, he would sulk or ignore me
-started to notice extreme mood swings, friends started noticing a change in my behavior
-started distancing myself from my friends because according to him they were alcoholics, bad influences, and sluts
– he really then started to treat me like shit
– I was expected to wait on him hand and foot, be his little housewife, he even told me at times this was “grooming” for when I would be living with him, so I could be the perfect house wife
– he did not care when bad things happened to me or I became upset, would be cold and distant (ex, I asked him to pick me up from work one night because a homeless man had followed me to my car and it scared me, he told me that’s not what he wanted to do on his night off. Would rather drink with his step dad. When finally convincing him to pick me up he screamed at me, called me a c*nt, a princess, just because my dad would come help me doesn’t mean he should have to. When I finally snapped on him he pulled the car over, screamed at me to get out, when I didn’t get out he rolled my side of the car window down and locked it so the rain would pour in on me from the passenger window)
– or another example my car broke down (the one he bought for me) and when I called him really upset that it broke down in rush hour traffic he said “I don’t know what you want me to do, I’m not a mechanic” when I finally got back to his house a nervous wreck, he was sleeping. And got angry with me when I was upset that he did not care at all, enough that he could sleep
– I was never right for anything, and he would never apologize, EVER. When asking him to apologize because he really hurt me he would stare at me in the eyes and not say a word. It always felt like nothing was ever resolved because I would start apologizing for things I shouldn’t, and he would not budge
– started telling me my family do not care about me, and that I should move in with him to get me away from that environment (which was partially true, my brother was a dick, but the rest of my family loved me)
– moved in with him and his family, the control became worse.
– tell me I could not wear certain things if he was not with me, or if I wore something nice he would say “wow look at you, just want to show your tits off to everybody” (I do not dress provocative at all, and even his mom would chime in when he would say things to me like no, I think you look really nice today)
– stopped going out completely, instead would invite friends over to hangout and have drinks with us to stop the fighting.
– did NOT stop the fighting, he would fall asleep early (like always, because he could not handle his alcohol) then wake up later on in the evening while I was up talking with a couple girlfriends in the kitchen, SCREAMING at me, embarrassing me in front of my friends, saying they need to get the fuck out
– on new years eve he became so belligerent he threw my phone against a wall, broke it, tipped my dresser over, put his foot through it.
– ended up buying me replacements in the next couple days, acted really sweet
– his birthday after st. pattys day, took him for birthday drinks and bowling with his family. when arriving back to the house he was so horrible and mean, putting me down calling me names, that I threw a piece of the food I was eating at him. he snapped, went downstairs and locked me out of our room (this seemed to be a reoccurring pattern). When trying to get back in to make up with him, tell him I didn’t want to fight, he got so angry, screaming at me to get the fuck out of his face. I told him “baby it’s okay, let’s get past this”, he threw me to the ground, choked me, gave me a fat lip.
– told me he would stop drinking the next day, believed him, didn’t happen
– still extremely controlling. went out to boston pizza for my birthday, he never wanted to come with me anywhere so I planned it for a night he was working nights. his step dad even came out to buy me a drink. I asked him to give me this ONE night, to not be an asshole to me. he was the worst he had ever been, calling me every 10 minutes, screaming at me, to the point where he broke up with me on the phone and I spent the evening crying in the bathroom
– next day things were fine, but of course it was MY fault, like always
– put up with months more of this, nights where I’d get blamed for staying up later than he did, him locking me out, me sleeping on the guest bed upstairs and his mom coming in to tell me that it’s not my fault, and she doesn’t know where he gets this from
– August, he asks me to move out. 2 days later breaks up with me
– within that week he sleeps with a girl he meets off of a dating website. I fight for him back, tell him I’ll change all of my ways. He strings me along, finally taking me back after a month of torture.
– abuse got worse. I had to clean his sheets, his dishes, even if I didn’t contribute to them
– never allowed to go out, even if I was not drinking. Went to a Halloween party sober, texted him the whole time, told him I was coming home early to spend the night with him. Was a half an hour late because of Halloween costume prizes, when I got to his house he told me to leave and get out.
– crazier mood swings started happening, always walking on egg shells
– if I didn’t come see him at 5:30am when he got off night shifts because I was so tired he would ignore me for the full day and sulk. Had to grovel to make him feel better
– Would ruin anything I would plan. Always had to be HIS plans, or no plans. And when I finally convinced him to do the stuff I wanted to do he’d be in a constant horrible mood, not talking to me, or complaining the whole time, making my night miserable
– started becoming scary forceful during sex, choking me to the point where it really hurt my neck and chest the next day, very hard to breathe, told me “I liked it”
– still somehow reeled me in by giving me constant attention, telling me I was the best, that he missed me so much, wanted to marry me and move into our own house together
– his parents REALLY started to step up and notice the abuse, tell me I am in a controlling abusive relationship, did not want to listen, wanted to change for him
– sprained my ankle at a work Christmas party on ice, he ignored me pretty much for 3 days because I didn’t call him when it happened, instead I texted him. Made me feel horrible for 3 days and when I kept apologizing he told me “to stop being an emotional pussy”, but never once asked how I was doing, or how my ankle felt
– Christmas eve he was not invited to my family dinner. All of my family and friends HATED him. He was bugging me to leave the entire time and when I finally got to his house and left my family Christmas dinner, they were all drinking, got me to drink.
– he passed out super early at 9pm, just after I got there. Me being bored, decided I’d grab a couple drinks LITERALLY across the street at a tiny little hole in the wall bar. You could see it from his house
– he woke up in a rage, called me screaming at me, I ran right to his house, telling him I was only across the street
-he locks me out, I try to get in, huge fight. Christmas day he breaks up with me.
– I’m devastated. I had fought so hard to get this man back in my life, no idea why. He was cold, did not care that he just discarded me.
– tried to message me later on saying he wanted to run away, felt like he was played, but not by me.
– I ignored it. but broke the next day after going out on a night out with the girls, tried to see him. he was cruel and wouldn’t even come out to see me
– next day told me he never loved me (although he used to tell me constantly), he was bored of me (although he always needed me there, told me how great I was). then began to say every insecurity I ever confided in him back to me, I got fat, I should go cut and kill myself (I had cut when I was 12, I am 22 now, this was a long time ago), that I should go sleep with a whole bunch of guys because I’m just a whore (not even close to one), I’m an alcoholic (I drink sometimes on weekends, I’m young, this is what we do. He drinks on almost a daily basis and gets stupid)
I am heartbroken. He does not care, or give a shit about me. Everyone, my family and friends, and his family and friends are telling me how horrible he was, he never deserved me and he will regret this. But I hear he has moved on to someone new. He was on a dating site the DAY we broke up. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like sometimes it was my fault like he says, that I should have listened and I should have tried harder (he always told me I never tried hard enough). But it can’t be me. It just can’t be. I don’t know if he is a sociopath, a narcissist, or just…. crazy. But there’s something wrong, and it’s not me. I gave him everything, tried to be as sweet and loving as possible, and it was never enough. 😦
Welcome to the site, Positiva has created a wonderful, safe & supportive place for us all.
You came to the right place & the support is amazing & you are never alone so, keep reading & researching & finding your answers & move into your healing when you are ready 🙂
It all takes time but, you are worth it & deserve better 🙂
You did nothing wrong so, don’t doubt that ever.
This is what everyone goes through & that is the ‘mind game’ that the Soc plays with you.
They are very cat & mouse & they make you run the gauntlet of human emotions 😦
Remember that he needed to dominate & control you for his own selfish end whilst, you were in the relationship for all the right reasons, he was not 😦
It was all about him & his agenda & they ‘get off’ on torturing you physically & emotionally. They are cowards & bullies so, you are free of him now. None of this was your fault, that lies squarely on his shoulders!
Stay No Contact as it will delay your healing & you will feel even worse if that’s possible.
They hate losing control & if you seek answers from him, you leave the door open for further abuse & ruin.
You are worthy & beautiful & all that you are & always have been 🙂
Find your way back to you as that is your prize 🙂
Thank you so much pheonixrising. I am trying my best to move forward with my life, without this demon, and I keep getting updates from other people about his life that I really just hate hearing. I will keep telling myself I did nothing wrong because I know deep down I really didn’t. The only thing I did wrong was ignore the signs, and let him creep in and destroy me. When you say that they are bullies, and they get off torturing you physically and emotionally, you are absolutely right. The scary thing is, he once admitted to me he thinks he is a sadist. It creeped me out when he said it, but now that it’s over, it rings so true. I thank you for your support, and I’ll keep fighting through this journey with the rest of you! I’m just glad I’m not alone on this. 🙂
@ Alexandra 🙂
We are here for you & know how hard this experience is but, I can assure you it’s going to be okay.
I had 10 years with mine & thankfully came here for help & support & respite.
We ‘get it’ & you 🙂
Just be kind to yourself & try & block the messages of how great his life is etc…stay No Contact…work on your healing 🙂
You are wonderful & beautiful & deserve the best life possible but, it’s up too you to believe so, work on self love & self worth, your worth all the hard work 🙂
Keep going & we will walk with you all the way to freedom 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Don’t think about him, and ask that other people do not tell you what he is doing. I left my SP ex in October, and I will admit that I have had some painful moments, but I am a lot happier in general.
Force yourself to be social, and find positive people to share your time with. I am three months out of my relationship with my SP ex and I do think about him a lot, but I am so much happier. It was difficult to spend the holidays alone, but also good for me because I was able to remember the previous few years and the way he would ruin holidays for me, and the way that he would ruin everything that I looked forward to by throwing some kind of tantrum.
You can’t talk to him or see him ever again. That is the only way.
Tantrum, that’s the best way to describe their reaction when things don’t go as they want. Watching a grow man with a tantrum is am “experience” that I don’t want to see ever again.
lovely girl, forget this shit. Thats what he is. There are some real men in the world and I have found mine. I also had my share of sociopaths and never regreted having jumped out of the whole situation. Just be happy, enjoy your life, go out with your friends, buy some new clothes and when you get up in the morning remember he is not in your life!!!!!!!!!!!!! no more abuse, beatings, scenes, stress, hurt.
Welcome & I hope you find some if not all your answers here.
Firstly, don’t bother labelling him as he could be a Sociopath or a narcissist or both 😦
The fact is, he’s not treating you with respect & you deserve so much better.
Normal guys don’t go on with all that BS so, don’t fall for it.
I know that your heart is connected but, you must protect yourself & value yourself as his behaviour is far from normal 😦
The facts are all staring you in the face, he’s a loser & likes to play games. There are other women & always will be so, do yourself a big favour & stay No Contact.
No Contact gives you time to decide & you need to choose you & find someone who doesn’t make you feel bad ever!
@Dreamer, forget about trying to put a label on him, and concentrate your attention of what he actually did to you and how he made you feel. He was dishonest to you, he was cheating and he was treating you as a person of no value. That’s what you want for your life? What change have he made? Look for his actions, not his words and please take care of yourself. You are the only one who can really do it
I love that song, & never knew who sung it.
My Soc/narc called me today after 10 month’s!!!! To apologise!!!
WTF….I will write about it soon but, am still processing the conversation?
I will however tell you that I am proud of myself as I stayed in my own truth & power 🙂
it came ‘out of the blue’ & I got the old…”you mean so much too me still!!!”…..
It’s finally over & I had my opportunity to tell him, I am real & authentic & that he was an illusion & that my life is so much better & I am flourishing 🙂 This is the truth so, stay in your own power as, he left defeated & I felt at peace 🙂
Wow, talk about a journey & going full circle….OMG!!!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
OMG, that is so awesome!! I am so happy, I am so behind on my reading! I am trying to catch up, with everyone’s current situations. I am looking for the post.
Boyfriend took me to Superbowel in New Jersey! Which was AWESOME, as we are from CA! One thing I didn’t realize about myself, I had anxiety attack, (which hardly ever happens). Because Boyfriend (is impatient) wasn’t where he said he was going to be and went around the corner to our seats, with out telling me. Now no big, but with the history of nut wads I have been with, it usually means your being detained by police or security. So I was panicking, then when I found him, he was acting like “what’s your problem” and yelled at me in front of everyone. I was embarrassed, so I shut down. Later we talked and he was very sorry. He just figured, I would go to our seats. I think I need to write my story out. I have a lot of anxiety over it.
And yes I love the song too, I loovvee the 80’s – bunch of co-dependent, enablers. Lol.
I haven’t been going for long but I just feel good. There has been no attempt on his part or my part. Of course, there are days where I have felt like I have missed him or wondered what he was doing (apart from scamming another person). Very strange considering how I was treated but I think it was more of that need to get my kick from him, like drug addicts do.
I have no idea what is going on in his life. In the past that would have made me very anxious. He is an extremely secretive person (his work colleagues called him ‘a complicated person’) while I am a very open person when in a relationship. Now I just look at his life while he was with me and he was such an uninteresting and boring person. His life was about money and work. He didn’t really do much, he never made plans for the future and he used to get angry at me when I talked about the future or what I wanted to do later on in life (aka my dreams). So now I just look at my life without him and look at all the things I have to look forward to over the next couple of years. These are the things that are also helping me get through.
This site is great – helping me through a very recent break up. My story is not as extreme as some of them above but goes a bit like this: sorry for the rant…….
We met May 2009 online. We did a lot of chatting online, he was asking lots of questions about me. Told me he was in the army and had just come back from Afghan was in the parachute Regiment (top league) and was a sniper. He was a bit of a wheeler dealer on the side, selling 2nd hand cars etc. When I met him the chemistry was soooooo intense. I hadnt felt like this about anyone. Sex was fantastic and we both wanted each other however I wanted him so bad. He had a massive ego, and was cocky with everything. I loved his confidence and mystery. He wined and dined me lots for the first year, took me on holidays (5 holidays a year) inc Paris at NY. It was amazing BUT something was missing, he was always cold and lacked empathy. He used to play ‘hard to get’ by not texting me for days, wondering where he had gone. He would always tell me his doing sociable things with friends and was ‘busy’ however I never ONCE met a friend. I wasnt allowed around his parents for too long max 20 mins before I was whisked away. He used to tell me “they annoyed him”. He was always so secreative with his phone, laptop and life.
Red Flag number 1 – he had no respect for laws. he ignored parking tickets, ignored court summons, threw packaging out of his car onto the road, walked out of restaurants without paying, claimed undelivered items so he got them for free.
Red flag number 2 – was in April 2010 he was put on electronic tag for 3 months for an offence. I thought it was strange – he told me he had sold a dodgy car.
Red flag number 3 – I got pregnant and didnt want to keep the baby so I wanted an abortion. I told him and he just laughed and smirked at me asking me to deal with it. I asked when he was free to take me to the clinic and he said he was too busy. I forced him to take me in the end but he was never there emotionally.
Red flag number 4 – Shortly after I told him I had a bit of money saved and I didnt know what to do with it……he said to invest in him. So I gave him £6000 with the deal he would give me back 12,000. He was very good at his car selling and was progressing quickly making lots of money. I had NO idea how he was doing so well but he told me it was because he worked day and night and was a good salesman. A year later he had saved enough with using my money to buy a Ferrari and a Mustang (approx £40,000). We moved in together end of 2012, into my house. He never contributed an ounce of rent in this time claiming his struggling with money and was saving up. 3 months later he smashed the car up in an accident in the snow near his house he claimed wasnt his fault and he would get the money back! He was nearly killed. He went distant, no sex, and did his ‘dissapearing trick’ whereby he wouldnt speak to me on the phone, in person and just vanished (red flag number 4) I was convinced he was cheating. About a month later he came back into my life telling me he had been stressed and in his man ‘cave’ after the accident. He wanted to move back in with me. So we continued on and he told me he had got a driving job that he did at night 10pm-4am (again strange).
Red flag number 5 – On May 28th 2012 he didnt come home at his normal time – next thing I got phonecall from the police saying he had been arrested. He got remanded at a local prison and he told me he had been arrested for selling a rented piano on finance. I found out very VERY different in October 2012 at his conviction. He told me he had been sentenced to 2 yrs in prison for fraud because of the piano and he would be out in January 2013 – could I stick it out with him till then.
Red Flag number 6 – He was lying lying lying about everything…….whilst he was in prison I contacted his family and a couple of his so called friends and realised sooooo much had been a lie.
– he was never in the army
– he had been in prison 3 times before for yearly stints mainly theft, bilkings, fraud etc
– his night time delivery job was driving prostitutes around for business
– he was in prison for many many fraudulent offences conning people and ripping people and businesses off
– the car crash was his fault and the accident happened the otherside of the country (still dont know why he was far from home at 1am)
– he lied about his age ( he was 20 when I met him not 23)
– he will never get the money back for the car accident
– he had a much longer prison sentence – he wasnt out until June 2013
– he sold me a dodgy car that had been written off
– he stole my money and I was not going to get it back
Even through these lies I decided to forgive him. He was the perfect boyfriend in prison, calling me everyday, letters and deep love and promises of marriage when he was out. He basically said he couldnt believe he had nearly thrown away his soulmate. He had unconditional love for me.
So I waited and made a pact with him “no more lies” and honesty was the way forward. He told me he was a changed man. The lies continued. The deceit continued when he came out of prison.
Red Flag Number 7 – he never let me get close to him. Very little emotion. He had no empathy when I had anxiety and depression. I just annoyed him. He would get cross with me and shout at me making me worse. He would stay out all night coming in at 2am worrying me.
Red Flag number 8 – I spent 4 years with this guy and recently broke up with him because he was making me so insecure and trust issues arose. On breaking up with him he showed no emotion. Walked out with his jacket in hand and his response was ‘fine’. No remorse, no why have you done this? No explanation…. no talking. Its like I never mattered to him.
What I dont understand is why I STILL want him??? After all of this shit he has put me through. I am struggling to detatch from him. I feel addicted. We have been no contact now for 1 week. Its sooooo hard 😦
Hi and welcome to the site!! I understand your story so well. You ask why? Find the post ‘the relationship is over so why can’t you let go? Take me to your drug dealer. Read as much as you can and talk to other victims. It will help and will normalise your experiences.
Did you get my email, I have now had contact with the OW!
My goodness, the game never ends & I thought I was ‘home & hosed!’
For goodness sake, he really is a complete gamer & he’s back triangulating me again!!!
I am good though, it’s really quite comical 😉
I did….I wrote a post to put it up… but then reading it, what I wrote didn’t go with what you wrote. So I have sent you a mail asking how you would like me to do it….:) Go you though! I am really proud of you!! You sound like you are buzzing too 🙂
Welcome DeeB. It is a long and hard road to recovery. It truly is like an addiction. This site is fantastic. I finally feel like I am heeling with being able to load off everything onto here and having such supportive people responding and giving positive reinforcement.
I think the crazy-making is awful. The way they disappear and then reappear is playing with our heads and is a huge part of the crazy-making process. So is the lying, they are so good at it that I think they start to believe it as well. I was doing things that I would never do in a relationship or with anyone. He would disappear and I would be constantly texting or emailing and trying to get a response as I had no idea what was going on, I had become needy. I developed anxiety and depression. I wanted attention and I wasn’t getting it from him. I was made to feel like it was always me that was the problem. That I was getting angry and starting fights because there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t a good person. The times he was nice was when he wanted money. I would then start to question why he was in a relationship with me and that played on me as well. I now long back and realise that is all part of their plans. They like to see us losing our minds and sometimes our dignity. I was accusing him of cheating because my gut was yelling out to me. I had no trust in him and, as it turns out, with good reason.
It is also funny how their own family and friends seem to warn us or say something to us about the Spaths. When my Spath disappeared, it was week 3 and I was actually quite worried so I contacted his sister. She asked me if he had spoken to me about our relationship. I said that we had spoken recently about getting married and other stuff like that. Then she told me that I deserve and a better and good man. I didn’t understand what she meant. She later said that he is a good man but sometimes he isn’t. He’s a good man? I don’t think so but I think she was starting to get cautious as to what she was saying to me as well. 3 weeks later he married somebody else. His sister’s conversation and warnings made perfect sense after that.
We are all in the same boat as you. We have all been there or going through it. My head is no longer foggy, my anxiety has almost disappeared, I have accepted that many of my questions will never be answered and I will never understand him, but I don’t want to understand him either because that would mean understanding what a Sociopath’s mind works and, to me, their minds are too ugly and sinful.
Ex def an S – I totally relate to your story. The anxiety and depression was what ended it for me. I was having sick leave from work, I stopped eating and was on beta blokers, Zopiclone (powerful sleeping tabs) and anti-dep. My life became unmanageable. Completley confusing behaviour which was sending me insane. Since being away from him (only a week) that gripping sick anxiety and low worthless mood has vanished! Funny hey???!!! Although I dont believe mine was unfaithful (although I will never know) I do know there was something messed up in his mind and trying to change him or accept him was NOT something many people could or would do. Everyone was warning me off my ex too…..even my counsellor said ‘he is a pathological liar, he wont change’. My friends, my parents all saying I could do better even his mum said at the end that she didnt blame me for ending it. Ending it is hard because, you start to remember only the good stuff – the stuff at the start and because it was SOOOOOo push pull, here one minute gone the next, I found myself addicted to the next pull!
Good luck and dont forget not all men are like this. We need to learn why we ended up attached to a person such as this. Its time to look inside ourselves and ask these questions? xxx
@PR, don’t let the curiosity kill the “kitten”, The only thing that the ow and you have in common was him and the suffering he brought, he is no longer part of your life, so, no strings attached. no contact with the OW too! A really big (( ))hug to you.
Aww Deeb,
Yes thats exactly why & doesn’t that show what an utter asshole he is!
I am so sorry he doesnt value what a treasure he had in you!
Just remember that anything good in him is just a reflection of You 🙂
Wouldnt you love to text back, ” whoo whoo, I’m free of of you & you can f@#k whoever you like! So can I , so text someone who gives a s#*t!
Stay No Contact but, think this, I am so above your mind f@#king games, that I really cant wait to swing from the chandeliers with the real deal & not the fake!
Sorry but, He doesnt deserve you & he is too damn stupid to realise!
Deeb, believe me when I say, you will be okay & I have been where you are & you will be okay 🙂 its a long hard road but, you are never alone here. Stay & share, support & know that we love & value you.
Be strong & Brave, we are with you all the way 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi, I am new to this site, dont really no what to do, but am getting some answers reading these post. Have been in a relationship with a controlling, jeckyl and hide for 7 years. So much has happened, but he chipped away at me slowly, has done some awful things to me, which my friends are horrified about, but to me seem so normal and not so bad. He seems to have all the symptoms of a soc, have realised this since reading other peoples stories.. have started no contact again today, as he is playing games and to a certain extent, I have too. Something I never thought I would do. We have a child together, so no this is going to be extra hard, my child does not want to see him, as he broke up with me in front of him, said some nasty things and its not the first time. Just want my child to be safe and secure, and am being strong for him, just need some advice please..desperate. thank you
It is difficult to manage when you have a child together. As you know the sociopath will use the child to manipulate and control you. This can be tricky. I did write a post how to co-parent with a male sociopath. (do a search in the search box top right hand corner).
The best advice is to make all contact ONLY about the child
– Keep accurate records of everything
– You keep control. Make visits to the child formal
– If possible go through legal channels
– Never display emotion – see it as a business transaction
– Do not give them personal information ever about you – or anything that can (and will) be used against you.
If your child does not want to see him, this is fine, and he shouldn’t be forced. Always put the interests of your child first. It is what your child wants and needs. Oh and try not to (as hard as this is) to put the father down in front of the child as this can later be replayed back to you and twisted around (that you turned your child against him) and that he was actually dad of the year.
Hi Future 🙂
Welcome to this amazing site & listen to everything Pos has said etc… focus on establishing strong boundaries of contact so, that you are not exposed too more harm emotionally/physically/spiritually.
The aim of the Soc is to control & own you by possession & you are far too good to be treated so badly.
Stay here for support & reassurance & read & share as much as you feel capable of doing.
We ‘get you’ & you are safe here & supported & loved 🙂
Please be strong & courageous as the Soc/Narc does a really good job on your head & after 7 years, you will have to walk down the road of therapy etc….don’t be scared as most of us have walked this path & we are all at different stages.
You are not alone & we value you & your input.
Focus on your healing, health & wellbeing & you & your child will be okay.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
For two years I have struggled to put on a brave face following the end of a relationship I believed to be forever. I am a very loyal, honest and family orientated person. The ending of this relationship has been beyond painful for both me and my daughter. I have lost all my self esteem, suffer anxieties in the community and constantly feel empty inside and my daughter had to see a psychologist due to her extreme hurt and anger. This person was very charismatic and attentive, telling me I completed him and he could see himself growing old with me. I kept asking myself ‘can you be too happy’. He moved into my home and I adored both him and his son and slowly life centred around him and his son and all sibling conflicts became my daughters fault as his son could not possibly be naughty. A year later he had to disclose he had been unfaithful or I was to be told by some one else. I felt so violated but chose to forgive (big mistake) as I did not wish to dissolve the family unit and hurt the children. Every thing seemed to be what was best for them and not my daughter and me. He did not want to sell our individual assets and buy one property together and did not wish to have children with me as he said ‘he didn’t have enough love for any more and it would impact on his time with his son. In between all this my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed away ( this was and still is incredibly hard) and I was not supported in my grief process but rather was expected to put on a brave face after six weeks.One night after work he said ‘I need a break from you but still wont to be in a relationship and he moved to his mothers. He wonted the relationship to go back to when we first met and we all know this doesn’t happen. After four weeks of him coming and then leaving and telling me he loves me, but cant live with me at that time he come to me while at my fathers home and said I don’t yearn for you any more( my world fell apart). That was it, just like that. My daughter and I where no longer significant in his life and he looked at me like I was nothing and after four years of building a relationship with his son I didn’t get to say goodbye. Less than a week later he was hand in hand with another lady. I don’t know if he was a sociopath but when I read the communication on this web site it all sounds and feels so familiar, almost surreal and for the first time in two years I think ‘maybe it wasn’t me”.
Hi Looking for the Light 🙂
Just keep reading & sharing & venting & start focusing on your healing 🙂
You are worthy of better treatment & you will survive this trauma.
Welcome & I hope you find peace & answers & support here 🙂
Thank you PR. Since finding this web site I look forward to reading the new and existing information. I have read many tex books in last 18 months in order to find the answers to my questions but I have to say this does not compare to the life experiences and survival of others. Thank you all, till tomorrow.
Good morning/ evening/ afternoon everyone,
I have been around spaths all my life. I now know that my parents too are spaths, that’s why I don’t relate to them, my siblings too. Our home was like a psych ward. Growing up I never understood anything that was going on or why, I was bewildered. I had a younger bro. He was such a compassionate guy. He couldn’t handle it and took his life at 17. I will never forget that day when my only family ( for real) was found hanging in the garden. I went to pieces when I saw him. I was shaking so bad and my legs gave up. I couldn’t talk I remember my mom when I tried to tell her what I had seen. She had glass eyes, and even the death of her son didn’t change them. I was grabbing her and she said “don’t touch me” and calmly went to call the cops and my dad. My father dabbed his eyes a little but no one in my family’s world ended like mine did. He had left a note saying he just couldn’t do this anymore. I knew what he talking about.
-Or family was like a shiny apple with worms inside.
-There was violence, broken windows, furniture, damaged doors. -everyone thought we were just fab!
-My folks used to seduce us with kind words then turn. They did it to each other.
-They always told us how brilliant they were as children. As a kid, I never new what was coming through the door. Violence or nice words (they didn’t touch or hug).
– I had finished school and was looking so forward to fly out to uni and get away to a new life.
-I thought I was now set for happiness and lots of hugs….
-Enter first spath! He was older than me and he pursued me like a rabid dog. At that time I thought this must be love.
-It was heaven for the first month. Little gifts and messages and chocolates.
-Then he changed literally over night. I had been with him the night before and he was luvy dovey. and the next afternoon I met him and he was ice.
-What followed was two years of being dumped (onetime on a trip, he just left and he knew I was broke with no money to pay for anything),
-I was called crazy, he used the ” n” word several times. Until I felt like was back in the nightmare of my family.
– I took off. Changed school and just vanished. That was 20 years ago and this nut still shows up unexpectedly on social and dating -Then spath no. 2 showed up.
-He listen to my desires to have a family of my own and promised to fulfill that dream.
-Then he became controlling.he bought me a phone that I had to use to remind him of my love for him.
-He said that he wouldn’t start while I was I school. He started to insist that I was a liar. That I was not genuine. That I had conned into believing that I wanted to settle down with him while I was just screwing all the lectureres ( using my history of dating ONE lecturer against me).
-Them he left, vanished into thin air. I went to his place and there was a “for rent” sign.
-He had said he owned that house, and very many properties in Knightsbridge!!
-My father wanted me to change location. I had developed a very close romance with alcohol by this time. I was alway drunk and the news was trickling back home.
-So I moved. I never saw or heard from that psych again. There was not much internet at that time.
-next few years , I didn’t date: I had my bottle.
-Any efforts at recovery failed. So I drank. I gave up on uni, went back home and just drank. Being drunk I couldn’t participate in family madness; great! I could pretend that they were all dead!
-Then I was sent to rehab for the 3rd time and this time I finally quit. -I was sent out again to uni.
-I didn’t date, I decided all men are like that. It was me who was abnormal. After uni I got into wrk. Still no dating. My dream of a family came back with a vengeance. I would have to find one of these creatures again…. I was depressed.
-Then came the news. Dad was dying
-I went home. I went straight from the airport to the hospital. And my mother said I was way too fat.
-It was terminal. There would be no chemo, nothing. And he died. To me it still feels like the neighbor across the street died. I have no idea who he was, what he loved (apart from himself), where he came from .
-I now know that as little boy he was very badly abused and neglected. He would scavenge in bins.
-I remember he had glass eyes.
-Enter spath no 3. The most recent one. I met him online. Everything he said was me!
-This one followed me everywhere. He was not working, he had been suspended as a punishment ( I remember thinking ” like a kid? Don’t companies just fire people?”) the suspension lasted two months.he was living in my house. Then he was finally let go.
-He was very sympathetic about what I was going through (trying to overcome the turmoil of my dad’s death.
-The fam was fighting over everything snarling at each other.)
-this time is when I saw the glass eyes in my youngest siblings. They even did the flips on me!,, OMG!! I was reeling again!
-I thought I was lucky to have someone to lean on, (but he was gathering info) He drove me everywhere everyday.
-He said my friends were drug addicts and sluts and gangster.
-He had a bullet wound, he said it was a failed drug bust from his uni days.
-I gave him a chance. I too had been on the that side and changed. -Then drama about his kid. Apparently they broke up coz the mother was a slut.
-He told me that he too had reformed. I would drop him at church, he would drop me ( in my car) at meetings.
-The jobs were not coming, he said he new all these prominent people but not a job in sight.
-Then his son needed money, a medical emergency. I didn’t have money so borrowed it.
– I already had loans so this new one would be hard, but he promised to pay back as soon as he got the job.
-Meanwhile there was a story about his adoption by a horrible family. I really felt for him. It was tragic! I knew about having a mad family, and to be adopted! It crushed my heart.
-He told me how his parents turned their kids against him and they all made him a slave. I was so horrified, I never questioned it I believed him.
-And then out of nowhere he would become cold and sulky. He try it on during a fight.
-I had seen these blogs and I was seeing it in him. Then he would switch on the charm and I would forget and become hopeful again.
-Then one day he came home from his parents and announced that he was taking “the car” not my car off somewhere for a week! My answer was no and we had a massive shouting match and he crumled down in a heap crying.
-8I told him that we need to call it quits. He got up started towards me with glass eyes! I was shocked! I told him that I didn’t mean it. I remember from the blogs that breaking up made them dangerous. So told him I didn’t mean it.
-I waited for a few days. I was so scared of him. Then on his father’s birthday I was very ill but he was going anyway. I asked for my car keys. I told him that I needed it incase I felt worse and he handed the over. I also asked for my house keys, surprisingly he gave those too!
-He walked out looking like a sullen boy and I never saw him again. -He still writes dreamy emails. But he blocked everywhere else.
-A so called friend of mine called to say that she was in touch with him, that he got a great job. They even talked about our bedroom business, he told her that I was a slut and how I hurt him. He said I used him as a slave because he was jobless and penniless. I her blocked too.
-Recently I am being pursued by an 70yr old racist rabid one. But I am done.
-My two neighbors too are spaths, like my parents. I regret befriending them and now we are nc.
-I am nc with very many people that I thought were my friends. I don’t think I have it in me to get into anymore crazy relationships, so I am not dating.
-I just need to get my business back on track, pay off the loan and maybe go for a sperm donor, or adopt. I don’t have that family dream with a man in it any more. I hope it not too long.
I have been around spaths all my life. I now know that my parents too are spaths, that’s why I don’t relate to them, my siblings too. Our home was like a psych ward. Growing up I never understood anything that was going on or why, I was bewildered. I had a younger bro. He was such a compassionate guy. He couldn’t handle it and took his life at 17. I will never forget that day when my only family ( for real) was found hanging in the garden. I went to pieces when I saw him. I was shaking so bad and my legs gave up. I couldn’t talk I remember my mom when I tried to tell her what I had seen. She had glass eyes, and even the death of her son didn’t change them. I was grabbing her and she said “don’t touch me” and calmly went to call the cops and my dad. My father dabbed his eyes a little but no one in my family’s world ended like mine did. He had left a note saying he just couldn’t do this anymore. I knew what he talking about.
-Or family was like a shiny apple with worms inside.
-There was violence, broken windows, furniture, damaged doors. -everyone thought we were just fab!
-My folks used to seduce us with kind words then turn. They did it to each other.
-They always told us how brilliant they were as children. As a kid, I never new what was coming through the door. Violence or nice words (they didn’t touch or hug).
– I had finished school and was looking so forward to fly out to uni and get away to a new life.
-I thought I was now set for happiness and lots of hugs….
-Enter first spath! He was older than me and he pursued me like a rabid dog. At that time I thought this must be love.
-It was heaven for the first month. Little gifts and messages and chocolates.
-Then he changed literally over night. I had been with him the night before and he was luvy dovey. and the next afternoon I met him and he was ice.
-What followed was two years of being dumped (onetime on a trip, he just left and he knew I was broke with no money to pay for anything),
-I was called crazy, he used the ” n” word several times. Until I felt like was back in the nightmare of my family.
– I took off. Changed school and just vanished. That was 20 years ago and this nut still shows up unexpectedly on social and dating -Then spath no. 2 showed up.
-He listen to my desires to have a family of my own and promised to fulfill that dream.
-Then he became controlling.he bought me a phone that I had to use to remind him of my love for him.
-He said that he wouldn’t start while I was I school. He started to insist that I was a liar. That I was not genuine. That I had conned into believing that I wanted to settle down with him while I was just screwing all the lectureres ( using my history of dating ONE lecturer against me).
-Them he left, vanished into thin air. I went to his place and there was a “for rent” sign.
-He had said he owned that house, and very many properties in Knightsbridge!!
-My father wanted me to change location. I had developed a very close romance with alcohol by this time. I was alway drunk and the news was trickling back home.
-So I moved. I never saw or heard from that psych again. There was not much internet at that time.
-next few years , I didn’t date: I had my bottle.
-Any efforts at recovery failed. So I drank. I gave up on uni, went back home and just drank. Being drunk I couldn’t participate in family madness; great! I could pretend that they were all dead!
-Then I was sent to rehab for the 3rd time and this time I finally quit. -I was sent out again to uni.
-I didn’t date, I decided all men are like that. It was me who was abnormal. After uni I got into wrk. Still no dating. My dream of a family came back with a vengeance. I would have to find one of these creatures again…. I was depressed.
-Then came the news. Dad was dying
-I went home. I went straight from the airport to the hospital. And my mother said I was way too fat.
-It was terminal. There would be no chemo, nothing. And he died. To me it still feels like the neighbor across the street died. I have no idea who he was, what he loved (apart from himself), where he came from .
-I now know that as little boy he was very badly abused and neglected. He would scavenge in bins.
-I remember he had glass eyes.
-Enter spath no 3. The most recent one. I met him online. Everything he said was me!
-This one followed me everywhere. He was not working, he had been suspended as a punishment ( I remember thinking ” like a kid? Don’t companies just fire people?”) the suspension lasted two months.he was living in my house. Then he was finally let go.
-He was very sympathetic about what I was going through (trying to overcome the turmoil of my dad’s death.
-The fam was fighting over everything snarling at each other.)
-this time is when I saw the glass eyes in my youngest siblings. They even did the flips on me!,, OMG!! I was reeling again!
-I thought I was lucky to have someone to lean on, (but he was gathering info) He drove me everywhere everyday.
-He said my friends were drug addicts and sluts and gangster.
-He had a bullet wound, he said it was a failed drug bust from his uni days.
-I gave him a chance. I too had been on the that side and changed. -Then drama about his kid. Apparently they broke up coz the mother was a slut.
-He told me that he too had reformed. I would drop him at church, he would drop me ( in my car) at meetings.
-The jobs were not coming, he said he new all these prominent people but not a job in sight.
-Then his son needed money, a medical emergency. I didn’t have money so borrowed it.
– I already had loans so this new one would be hard, but he promised to pay back as soon as he got the job.
-Meanwhile there was a story about his adoption by a horrible family. I really felt for him. It was tragic! I knew about having a mad family, and to be adopted! It crushed my heart.
-He told me how his parents turned their kids against him and they all made him a slave. I was so horrified, I never questioned it I believed him.
-And then out of nowhere he would become cold and sulky. He try it on during a fight.
-I had seen these blogs and I was seeing it in him. Then he would switch on the charm and I would forget and become hopeful again.
-Then one day he came home from his parents and announced that he was taking “the car” not my car off somewhere for a week! My answer was no and we had a massive shouting match and he crumled down in a heap crying.
-8I told him that we need to call it quits. He got up started towards me with glass eyes! I was shocked! I told him that I didn’t mean it. I remember from the blogs that breaking up made them dangerous. So told him I didn’t mean it.
-I waited for a few days. I was so scared of him. Then on his father’s birthday I was very ill but he was going anyway. I asked for my car keys. I told him that I needed it incase I felt worse and he handed the over. I also asked for my house keys, surprisingly he gave those too!
-He walked out looking like a sullen boy and I never saw him again. -He still writes dreamy emails. But he blocked everywhere else.
-A so called friend of mine called to say that she was in touch with him, that he got a great job. They even talked about our bedroom business, he told her that I was a slut and how I hurt him. He said I used him as a slave because he was jobless and penniless. I her blocked too.
-Recently I am being pursued by an 70yr old racist rabid one. But I am done.
-My two neighbors too are spaths, like my parents. I regret befriending them and now we are nc.
-I am nc with very many people that I thought were my friends. I don’t think I have it in me to get into anymore crazy relationships, so I am not dating.
-I just need to get my business back on track, pay off the loan and maybe go for a sperm donor, or adopt. I don’t have that family dream with a man in it any more. I hope it’s not too long.
Dropping in to share a heartbreaking and confusion story of a mental abuse victim online, this story is awful and yes “crazy” happens to a lot of people, I felt this woman’s pain as if I would need to see a therapist imagining walking in her shoes reading her story.. I can imagine her feelings and psychological torment – here it is: http://number4.hubpages.com/hub/Gay–or-Mentally-ill–Homosexual-or-Psychopath
Pheonix and pos Thank you for your replies, I would never put him down infront of my child, he has started in front of our child a few times, and I worry about the effect that will have on him, so keeping everything calm around him and trying to create some good memories for him. He broke up with me a month ago, there was no reason, we had just come back from holiday, got a few nice texts after saying nice things, which I replied to, telling him im not putting up with his irrational, bullying behaviour, then he got nasty, let him see our child, but he swore and shouted at me in front of him, so told him to seek legal advice as im not being spoken to like that and especially in front of child.next couple of weeks I have tried no contact, been very low, text him and he rejected me, told me he has moved on and got a life. He dont want to be with me, just wants to see child when he wants, he is an ex substance abuser too, probably using again now as im not about to keep him on the right path. Had enough of all the backwards and forwards so text two days ago saying seek legal advice dont turn up at my house, he dont want to see you and thats that. I received 2 messages from him which said”sorry you want that u r my soulmate love you bothwill do as you ask I want you happy againx” I ignored then another saying”i wont give up promise and I hope you can be straight with me soon I live ny son and you and I hope one day you will c that but for now I will do what you want bye” I am on day 2 of no contact and want to text just for a reaction, but wont, how can I be addicted to such a nasty person, what has happened to me as a person, why do I miss him, how can he justcwalk away from his child, who I no he loves and leave me to pick up pieces. Have not heard from him since then, am wondering if he will just leave us alone now, which I no will be easier in the long run. Confused.
@Future, it’s not easy, but it’s better. Please, look for legal advice for you. When you are dealing with a “Pinochio” and have children with him it’s better to make everything formal and clear, so he can’t keep control of you via your child
Remain strong and keep no contact
No more insanity, thank you for reply, I have told him to seek legal advice to see child, I need to no my child is safe and bounderies are needed or he will think he can turn when he pleases and take him, and if I say no he will start on me. Finding this so hard emotionally, he has broken up with me several times before, but this time I no I cant go back, I dobt even no if he wants me back this time, as his messages change weekly, nasty then nice. I no I cant have any type of contact with him at the moment, or I will be back to square one and I need to be strong for my kids. I feel lost without him, I hurt inside, the only thing keeping me going and getting out of bed in morning is my kids. I used to be such a strong person, now I feel like a shell.
@Future, maybe you don’t see it right now, but now you are stronger than ever. Taking the decision to break the cycle, to stop all this insanity requires of a great strenght, the road is not easy, but it goes to a better place, a place far away of the lies, of the deception, of the abuse that the sociopaths brought to our life. We can’t love them without losing our soul, and no one deserves to lose themselves in the name of “love”. Take care of yourself, discipline yourself to keep the no contact, and start to rejoice on all the details that make the life better without him (everyday my first thought goes to him, but I don’t allow my mind to make tricks with it, I turn the thought from “I miss him” to a “Big thanks to God for allowing me the opportunity to start a day without fear, without a new tear, without my enemy at the other side of my bed, “) Happy sunday for you and your child
What I want feedback on is a bit different. btw, the site is awesome, I finally feel free from the choas but my situation is a bit different as I only let him leach off me for 2 months. But that happened because when my daughter was15 months I emailed him that I was going to terminate his paternal rights and 3 days later he flew from his mothers house to suddenly come see his daughter. My issue is not him as when he bolted at 330 am on a Wednesday night I didn’t call him back when he called. But my daughter has a grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousin I feel she deserves to know. Where doi go with that?
Is there anyway that you can have a relationship with them, without him? Contact them direct? I agree that if the family are not the same as him, it is in the interests of your daughter to know both sides of her family. It can be done. They might be aware of his behaviour and how he is. What is your relationship like with his extended family?
I finally managed to bawl my eyes out today, and this website was exactly what I needed.
I am dating a high-functioning sociopath and it is almost like the person I love is there one day, and a totally different person the next. He takes on to different personas, tailored his likes and dislikes accordingly to every girl he dates, and is quick to play the victim and pretend to be vulnerable to wriggle his way out when confronted.
When his lies were busted yesterday, he could only come back with, “It is none of your business. If you can’t find peace within yourself, you can’t expect to find peace within me. The other girls I date have no problems with that.”
The difference is, everyone else thought they are the only one in his life, I am the only one who figured out the queue of more than 10 highly intelligent, impossibly attractive women who fleet in and out of his life, according to his schedule. I started to wonder why he is with me, because I am nowhere as intelligent, as attractive, as rich (in fact, I am broke), or as understanding as anyone of them. But maybe because I am damaged, and he wants to see how much more he can break a person like me.
It is almost unimaginable that I am the only person who came close to figuring who he is, cos everyone else got fooled.
He doesn’t want anyone of us to move on. There are some that he drops pretty quickly, but there are some of us who have been in it for years. One has been in it for more than a decade and never suspected the shenanigans he got up to behind the lies. Another has been around for years, and I am already finding a part of me dead for good after 16 months.
Of course, there are the other games he picked up along the way. The strange thing is, those he professed to feel for less, the more enthusiasm he puts in to charm them, those he claimed to mean so much more to him, he takes them for granted, perhaps confidently thinking they will still be around afterall.
I believe nobody would believe my side of story because he always have a cover for everything he did.
I finally managed to bawl my eyes out today, and this website was exactly what I needed.
I am dating a high-functioning sociopath and it is almost like the person I love is there one day, and a totally different person the next. He takes on to different personas, tailored his likes and dislikes accordingly to every girl he dates, and is quick to play the victim and pretend to be vulnerable to wriggle his way out when confronted.
When his lies were busted yesterday, he could only come back with, “It is none of your business. If you can’t find peace within yourself, you can’t expect to find peace within me. The other girls I date have no problems with that.”
The difference is, everyone else thought they are the only one in his life, I am the only one who figured out the queue of more than 10 highly intelligent, impossibly attractive women who fleet in and out of his life, according to his schedule. I started to wonder why he is with me, because I am nowhere as intelligent, as attractive, as rich (in fact, I am broke), or as understanding as anyone of them. But maybe because I am damaged, and he wants to see how much more he can break a person like me.
It is almost unimaginable that I am the only person who came close to figuring who he is, cos everyone else got fooled.
He doesn’t want anyone of us to move on. There are some that he drops pretty quickly, but there are some of us who have been in it for years. One has been in it for more than a decade and never suspected the shenanigans he got up to behind the lies. Another has been around for years, and I am already finding a part of me dead for good after 16 months.
Of course, there are the other games he picked up along the way. The strange thing is, those he professed to feel for less, the more enthusiasm he puts in to charm them, those he claimed to mean so much more to him, he takes them for granted, perhaps confidently thinking they will still be around afterall.
I believe nobody would believe my side of story because he always have a cover for everything he did.
There were times it seems like he is capable of remorse, before he slips back to being totally incapable of having any bit of basic human decency.
I feel absolutely heart-broken. I questioned my sanity most of the time and wondered if I am just being totally not understanding and am a paranoid, crazy bitch like he accused me to be.
Yet, I didn’t run. The period of long no contact will always set us back into this vicious cycle.
Is there even any way to love a sociopath knowing what you are getting yourself into?
31/2 years ago I married a man I met at a retreat. When I married him I had only known him a short time. He swept me off my feet…I am now aware that he is a sociopath too. My story begins with him, but it is not about him, only indirectly. The first time I met his best friend, I told my husband that I did not want him in our lives. I knew there was an evilness in his eyes…and it scared me. A year goes by and my husband went to jail for things I had no idea he was doing. I worked too much and trusted him…so why would I go looking for things…even though, I had a feeling something wasn’t right. At the time, I had a very successful career and was going through IVF to try and have a baby. My husband was “looking” for a job. When he was arrested, I was devastated, scared, and had never experienced anything like this in my life. He ran from the law for a month, and brought back the best friend to help him. When he was finally caught, he asked this friend (my SP) to watch over me while he was in jail. I was too emotionally caught up, too scared, and too helpless at the time to fight it, and I needed help. I unknowingly had become very dependent on my husband, and was not functioning well knowing the love of my life was sitting in a jail cell. I have since realized that jail was the only place that my husband felt important, and that I do not believe, despite is fake letters and tears, that he suffered at all there.
Within three days, the best friend…SP… had moved in with me. I was too afraid to leave my place very often after learning about the people my husband was involved with. SP did everything for me, and encouraged me to get my confidence back. The entire time telling me how my husband so was very lucky to have had me and told me all the lies, cheating, stealing, etc. that my husband had done while I was working 15 hours a day. I felt stronger, but I now realize that strength came from the SP and he controlled what I felt confident about and what I was so very insecure about. Without knowing it, I developed more fears than I ever had before and relied on him and sought his approval for just about everything that I did. This man does not meet some or most of the qualities described in this site, he meets and exceeds all of them…he has perfected most everything I have read so far on these pages. He is also violent, but his violence is never his fault…there is an excuse for everything he does. I questioned myself so much, that I can’t say I really believed the things he said, but I couldn’t make sense of his actions otherwise…
For the last 18 months I have lived my life by fear… what i do or don’t do is mostly based on first thinking about what the worst possible outcome may be, and then trying to mitigate that. It has been far easier to go with what this man wants, then to stand up for myself. My suffering and consequences are fewer when I just go with what he wants and put up with his actions. When I don’t, very bad things start happening. When I do, bad things still happen, they just aren’t as bad as they can get. Ive learned to be thankful for the days when nothing happens.
I had moved to my husbands town and did not have any friends at the time he went to jail. SP met all my needs and I stayed home when he had to go do things, so I never met anyone that was more than just a very casual friend. Nobody where I live really got to know me or who I am…I have since learned that SP has told a number of things to people (he knows everyone), and painted a picture of me as a very controlling, needy, self centered bitch. The majority of the people he associates with are people I don’t need to have in my life and I don’t really care what people think of me… I don’t have any family except my mother who does not live by me, I am an only child, and am fine on my own…so what others think of me does not bother me… I know who I am, or a least I use to think I did. But it has made it difficult to deal with this man, after he has painted such an unpleasant picture of me.
He has stolen most everything I have in value. I haven’t allowed myself to really add it all up, but I would say at least $100,000…I can live with that, but he took away so much of my soul…that part is so very hard to deal with and accept. I figured out a long time ago that he was drugging me to get me to sleep soundly. I would wake up and nothing was where I thought it was … not to mention I wouldn’t wake up from these sleeps remembering the last things I did before I went to sleep. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the afternoon not knowing if I went to sleep the night before or an hour before. But when I woke up from these things, I could never find anything…SP was gone… and I would cry and panic. He would come back and tell me that he told me he was going to go do errands, and that I said OK… I would cry and think I was crazy…he would console me and tell me I was an angel. What I know now, is that he rearranged everything when I was sleeping. Shoes that were in the closet, where now under my bed. The watch I couldn’t find and searched for hours for, would show up a week later just where I thought I had put it. I was convinced I had had a breakdown of some kind. For a long time, I believed that my SP saw the pain I went through with my husband, and hated what he did to me. I never thought in a million years that someone could watch what my husband did, and use that to his advantage…. I never thought that was possible. NEVER… I thought he wanted to save me from that experience. My heart told me to be afraid of him after a while… although I tried to make that transparent to him, he knew I was scared. When things and money went missing, he convinced me that either I was crazy (sometimes these things would show up after the fact), or that my husband had sent someone to steal from me. By that point, I relied on him to validate almost anything I did or even thought about. I told him all of my feelings…
After about 6 months, around the time a normal person would start really questioning things that didn’t seem right or add up, the name calling and rage started. I learned by experience, that any time I challenged something, that bad things would happen to me. I didn’t put it together for a while….but when I correlated the events in my life,to his behaviors, I started realizing that he was causing these things to happen. MIss independent me, thought I could manage this since I was now becoming aware.. What I didn’t know, is “what I didn’t know” , if that makes any sense at all. I very much underestimated what he was capable of. I still don’t grasp, and probably never will, that people like this exist. I can not understand that someone can be a human and not have any feelings…I still think at this moment that it is impossible to be a person and not feel empathy and guilt. I don’t understand it. I have now read about it, but i still can’t believe its possible.
Then the name calling started. I was once the most beautiful, kind, and intelligent person he ever met. Overnight I became the fat, ugly bitch… not to mention a whore and very stupid. He likes to tell me he knows why my husband did what he did to me… because I was useless otherwise.
Just to sum it up without going on forever…. there are too many things that have happened to write about here. He has taken almost everything I have of value, he has destroyed my name, he killed my dog, he destroyed two cars and I am now on my third apartment in three months. He threatens me when im not behaving…for a year and a half I sleep with all my lights on (unless he is here)… its the only time I feel safe… I have lost a lot…when my money was gone and most of my things of value were gone, he had another goal in mind for me. He would say when he was angry that nobody was as nice and kind as i was..that I was a faker… and that I would see whats its like to have nothing and to compromise myself to get what i want. That is, I do believe, his ultimate goal.
Yes, I have been to the police. Yes, he knows all of them. Yes, they think im crazy and just hurt because he doesn’t want to be with me. Dont they stop and think that this man has not had a job in eight years… that he only lives with women that have their own place and keep to themsleves.. No, they dont…hes everyones buddy… fun to be around, and always understanding,always helpful.
He left again about a week ago… I always try and not respond to his calls and txts. A few days ago I did txt back telling him I see right though is lies and im not afraid (at this time i said that I thought I wasn’t afraid). He text back one thing… he said “let the game begin”. I knew that he meant that…. he was honest when he said that. The next day, the one casual friend I do have here…this person I met through the SP… came by to check on me. The SP was watching…came out of nowhere ….like he always does… and pulled a knife on my friend in the middle of the day in front of my door at my apartment. He knows me too well, and he knows that I won’t do anything about it… there are always too many consequences.
…
I know that nobody can fix this for me, its up to me. Its just so hard… and im so confused by all the lies and not knowing what is real and what isn’t sometimes ( I do have moments of clarity…but it stops at that… im get confused on what to do about them). This really sick thing about me is, I only feel safe when hes around. Am I crazy? I use to think that I could tell the difference between lies and the truth…but I don’t know anymore and always question my thoughts. Thank you for listening to me.
My first advice is document. Document everything, dates, times and what happened. If it sounds stupid, stil write it down. Keep it somewhere like on Dropbox or icloud. Somewhere safe and secret. Keep multiple copies.
You are stronger than you think. Reach out to ANYBOY that you know. You must get out. I know you said you can’t because of your situation but sit down, clear your head and make a plan.
I don’t know the details of your story, or who are “they” , but as I read what you wrote I know you know the answers. This is a “control” thing and the only way to gain it is taking control of yourself again. I dont know what kind of help you asked for, but remember out there are a lot of organizations to help you regain control of your life, dont bother about exposing them, and make your efforts to regain yourself. You already made the first step, acknowledging that what you are living is not normal. Make the next steps!
DON’T do it. He wants to play games again, even if you are over him, he can still play games with you. Get a pet sitter or someone else you are close too. If you ask him to look after your pet, he will probably expect something in return.
I am not usually about money. However, since the spath used and abused me and took a bit of money, I have become bitter towards him about it. Not to him but in my head I get angry and annoyed. I just can’t comprehend how someone can take so much money from a person without ever attempting to pay it back but promising thr world.
I know I will never see the money again. How do you let it go?
Hi Ex def an S,
They never do “see” what something costs someone else. If they did, they wouldn’t be what they are.
I hate to say this but, it is likely not about the money. You are smart and capable and can figure money out. The reason I know it’s not about money is because I mildy strong-armed my soc until he evened things out, from a financial perspective…but I’m still not satisfied. I was for awhile, and you might be too, but I guarantee you, it won’t be enough. Whatever he does, it will not be enough to repay what he has taken from you so callously.
Sometimes, I tell myself I want an apology. I’ve told him this too. But his rote apologetic offering just doesn’t get it done for me. Know what I mean? So, today, while I was considering organizing a hitman club to eliminate all our soc’s, alleviate my anger, and calling it “therapy”, I realized what I really wanted to do (and was sometimes actually doing), was calling back up to him his “sins” and “failures” through his lies and deceit.
Yes, he did these things… to me, and without question has done them and continues to do them to others. But my “mission” doesn’t do anyone any good. Not me, and not him, unfortunately. His are deaf ears for a reason… the same one I pointed out at the top of my reply here… he doesn’t “see” what something costs someone else. If he did, he wouldn’t be what he is.
And that, my dear, there is nothing we can do to change from where we stand. I hate it. I hate it for all of us. I hate that there has to be a support group and that I feel like a firing line would be more fair. I am confused that having met him has helped me because God used him somehow, even though his own intentions were ill. I hate that that is the case. But, it is. Money, anger, finger pointing, revenge… nothing will change any of this.
The answers aren’t easy, and the reason they aren’t is because they are internal self-work that takes a long time for us to unravel individually. We already know the upside is that we don’t do it alone. I don’t, and you don’t either. Wishing you a better rest of your day.
I know it is the worst feeling in the world when someone has stolen. I had theft of money and material possessions. How did I get over that? I think by focusing on how lucky I was to find out when j did. By realising I could have lost more. I visualized him with pound signs over his head. The longer I would have stayed the more I would have lost. This helped me. Then visualise how your wealth can now grow. He won’t block you or take from you again this is good. You cannot change what has happened. But you can change you and your view of what has happened x
Btw, I was earning A LOT more than him. To him, he only saw the amount on my pay cheque but never wanted to listen or know about the expenses I had. He thought I was well off because of it. He didn’t see my financial struggles when I gave him money or what I sacrificed to help him out.
Please everyone I need your support…..after months of no contact and starting to get my life back on track the soc is sending me little text messages of whats going on in his life and asking me about mine, please help as i feel like I am sinking back into depression and nostalgia of what was……..I have not responded and remain no contact, but the depression over this romantic over the top soc is returning. Why, why after so much time and silence do they do they still feel they have the right to intrude on your life again? Is there no end to this madness?
Hi sweet, they do this because ‘they can’. Likely his new source of supply has run dry so he just has contact with you, to see how you are doing.
Also remember that he doesn’t have conscience like you so he doesn’t think anything of it. He can only think about himself and his own needs… so why not?
I know that this sounds hard, but it is the way that it is. If you don’t respond he will move on, as they cant be on their own, they have to have SOMEONE to lean on. He is just testing the water.
Beware it is a slippery slope back down. Remember that they are very manipulative. He was the master of illusion when you were with him – he is also the master of illusion after he leaves. It is never a ‘normal’ conversation… usually he has an agenda.
@sweet freedom, as your name said the sweet freedom will remain if you are true to yourself and remain no contact. Change your number, block his number, close
This is really good stuff, i appreciate all the comments on this site. I was in a relationship for 5 and 1/2 years with a female soc. i have been through lots of bs with her and have a daughter with the soc. I didn’t really get the abuse like most here but i’ve got my fair share along with the lying and using me for money, because i couldn’t stand to live with her too long. We lived together on three separate occasions in three lasting maybe a total of three months. She
I was with my ex-soc girlfriend for 5 and 1/2 years, and these stories are right up my alley, the lies,cheating,using,gaslighting,and manipulatie stories i’ve read WOW. Its hard when you have a child with this type of person. I want to write more once i figure it out I will to all on this site you all deserve better and i truly believe we have attracted these kind of people not because we want to abused but needing to love oursleves more and being able to not stand for
their or anyone else bs. I have broken up with her in the last 5 years too many to count because of her drama it appeared only when i lived with her about a year ago i really experienced her true nature a liar and cheater. We moved into an apt about a month into moving in she wanted to be single (she got bored and moved another guy in the same day with our child and she has 3 other children. Apparently her parents knew the guy and was ok with it cuz hurt and lost i asked her mom about hte n
the new guy and mom said he’s an ok guy dumbfonded and hurt by this betrayal also astonished that her mother was ok with her bringing a new guy around the kids i couldn’t believe this, but i took it day to day got stronger till about 6 months ago i text her to let her know i was dropping my daughter off and she was pretending to be sweet, i fell for the bs again fake apologies. So we worked things out at least i thought but did some research on soc’s during the six months we were apart.
moved into a different apt with her this past oct. everything was great until she got bored i notice when she got bored she its like looking at david banner change to the incredible hulk then look out. She started a fight i always threatened to leave but then she would try and make me feel guity for leaving, but i left and she immediately invited someone in our home cuz i went there cuz i figured some other guy would be there and she wouldnt let me in saying she didnt want me and her to fight
and i could come back home after two weeks near payday she meant once I got paid and she went sleeping with her next victim. Botttom line its may seem addictive and your hurt just remember everyone deserves to love and not be treated like garbage and used. LOVE YOU EXERCISING, EATING RIGHT, AND NO CONTACT IF POSSIBLE!!! My ex-soc girlfriend uses any and all tricks to get me back in that bs, and i’ve fallen into the trap kinda i thought i could get what i wanted from her some
honest answers lmao and possibly reconcille because maybe I was wrong about her, but i was wrong. I saw her three weeks ago after a day of being bored and having a few drinks (not a good idea at all until you’re strong and have a good routine daily) I asked her to take me out she insisted on taking me to a hotel and buying drinks we had a blast for about two weeks straight she told me how she wanted to be my wife and loved me so much and mirroed my values then the devalue stage
but i had done some much reading on soc’s i recognized it before she had a chance to start with the bs and told her it was best she and i took a break for a while she went into an anxiety mode that almost drove her to move with her mom (lmao). I have talked to her in texts a couple by the phone since big mistake it costs always with soc’s with no return plus youre going to get more of the same treatment the to deal with them is no contact they are MASTERS and you will hurt YOU.
Can anyone make me understand how a person can be a Sociopath yet be observed doting on their child/children almost over the top at times. Do they really love them? Also do Sociopath’s groom children of their next source of supply?
Hi , don t know if this is strictly accurate but here goes …..
The over the top doting is an “act ” almost like a scene from Gone With The Wind or from Here to Eternity or Casablanca or ……. you get my point , some huge Hollywood epic .
Someone suggested that as they don t know what to do for real , then by watching others & films etc . its the only way the can fake it .
If you observe closely ( and I m guessing you have ) something is not quite right , its a bit ” too much ” if you like .
Your next question ” do they love them ? ”
In my opinion , no . Certainly not as you understand love . They are ” props ” … Very handy to present a ” nice little family ” etc , to get people to drop their guard , they might even enjoy their company and have fun with them , but lay down their life unquestioningly for their child ……….?
In my opinion , not a cats chance in hell.
Finally , ” do they groom children of the next supply ? ”
Again , my opinion , but Yes , yes and yes . Absolutely , they would groom the family python if they could …..
Anybody elses opinion most welcome !!!!!!!!! These answers are just my own observations .
I agree with what you have said & have seen it firsthand unfortunately.
My Soc has a fascination for James Bond & seems to ply his lines of smoothness & charm.
I recognized some of the ‘lines’ from movies etc…
Do they love? No, not even themselves. They have to use people constantly for their own gratification & pleasure & will do this continually as they are never satisfied or truly happy in themselves.
They love your usability, possessions,status,niceness as they want what you are or have. They remind me of 2 year old’s when they have the same things etc…they still want what the other one has so, in other words, they take everything & leave you with nothing.
This can be emotionally/physically or spiritually or all 3 😦
It’s a selfishness that the majority of us grow out of but, they value themselves & gauge their self worth in material possessions & physical possessions etc…they work purely from ‘Ego’ & negativity & feed off of vulnerability & truth in empath’s. To them it’s a weakness but, it is not.
Vulnerability is what separates us from being like them, we feel for real 🙂
Do they groom their children?
In my case yes & I call his adult son his ‘wing-man’ & he lies & hates women as he denigrated his ex-girlfriends too me.
He also collects ‘Predator’, figurines with a passion whilst my Soc (his father has a ‘Royal Doulton’ Lady Figurine collection that he covets!
His son is employed by him & ‘paid off’ for his allegiance & his daughter is also on the ‘payroll’ 😦
He pays her credit card debt (or used to).
The key to finding peace is to distance yourself from them & No Contact as they are lethal with toxicity & who wants to hang around a nuclear reactor! Not Me 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi PR
How perfectly said. 100% spot on.
Peace xx
P.s. hope you had a lovy girls weekend 😄
@Looking for the light
Yes they can be very “good and loving” parents. But, there is a reason for their selfish interests behind that “care”. My ex spath was a dedicated father to his autistic son. But later, I realized that his son was a source supply to him for his following interests:
– he has excuse not to work (“he has to be 24 hour dad”)
– it gives him camouflage of a “good father” and many women think he must be a “good man” too, so that is a great hook for the women
– he has access to a whole pool of young female teachers and therapists for disabled children and he used that to pursue each of his son’s female teachers, playing on the card of good, dedicated father
– as he has excuse not to work he can freely spend hours and hours each morning when he sends his son to school, watching internet porn. He spends 5 to 6 hours daily watching internet porn ( usually from 7 am to 10 am – when he sends his son to school) and from 11 pm to 1 am – when he sends his son to sleep)
– he has epilepsy but controlled so he COULD work but his father is a retired M.D and he uses his influence to get approval that he is disabled so he gets all the social security help etc.
– so he is using everything he can including his son, his father’s M.D. connections as a source supplies for his addict needs: pornography, being a lazy shit (he doesn’t want to work), playing games with women (luring them in with a “good man” facade,then when they get hooked he drops them, enjoys in hurting them) …. what a life.
@Looking for the light, they “love”their child conditionally. If they do what he said, if they don’t disobey, if they don’t contradict him, if they don’t have bad grades, if they are a source for their pride and vanity. Mine had a reign of terror with them…as his bigger son said to me “I love when he is with you because we can be free, but I am sad at the same time because I know that to us have it you have to be his prisoner”
I hadn’t told my story before now because, it’s seemed like I’ve only had disparate details that didn’t come to some conclusion I could understand. Without the sociopath to provide closure or honest feedback, it is a search for each of us to discover the why around what has happened with/to us through our experience. This is my story.
I met the sociopath online because I was moving to a new city and didn’t have my son with me, or even a real home yet. I was living out of an extended stay hotel, putting things into temporary storage from my previous apartment in a different city, while I waited to sort out my new living arrangement. I did have a job lined up, and that’s what brought me to the new city.
I could claim vulnerability, loneliness, anxiety, fear and maybe a few other victim’s descriptors that would actually be the truth. But the bottom-line truth is nobody made me remain in contact with this guy after I met him. I did learn the sex/physical contact was good (before he used it as a manipulative tool that he withheld to control) and, by my own will, either consciously or unconsciously (I don’t remember and obviously would’ve found it easier not to openly admit this to myself) decided this was acceptable to me—without being in monogamous relationship with the guy; without knowing his true story; without knowing enough at all to make such a decision.
I also decided, similarly without the benefit of the truth, to believe the lies he told me. Yes, I’d never met anyone like him who purposefully lied, but I consciously or unconsciously took a long time to seriously check him out… once it mattered to me.
What happened after all this is really inconsequential. We all arrive to a dismantled state with these individuals through varied, but similar, paths. What really matters is what I’ve learned in retrospect that, again, is my story.
I’ve encountered anger I could let go of, followed by rage I couldn’t. I wanted to do some ruining myself, and thought through the ways and means, to the point of calling out to God to conduct His revenge on my behalf (a promise the Bible actually offers us, not to be considered lightly). What I now realize is there are three fundamental things we will either learn about through this experience, or spend our lives kicking against and avoiding. They are:
-Grace: Getting what is undeserved
-Mercy: Not getting what is deserved
-Peace (that passes all understanding): The highest degree of peace, the attainment thereof must come at the cost of tribulation of a like degree
In my case, the grace has been for me. I know God forgives my willfulness and stupidity, but if I continue in a similar path, it is to my own peril. I know my sociopath’s ex-wife does not have this as she has known him 19 years and claims to have moved on while still checking his phone to see what he was doing with me; claimed to not care, but posted my picture on her Facebook in anger; and continues to have sex with the man in her own willfulness, knowing what he is and that such a decision is the wrong thing with a man she has acknowledged there can’t be anything honest or non-destructive with (and, she proves this by being in the same game for 19 years, regardless of what she says).
The mercy is where my forgiveness comes in. Hard enough to forgive someone who asks and feels regret, but to forgive someone who doesn’t care and who would continue to wound you? It’s natural to want justice. And when they appear to be off doing it to others “scott-free”? It’s easy to want to put a stop to it and also have them feel what they are doing to others. In this case, I’ve learned mercy wouldn’t have been needed if I had rejected him earlier, when I had opportunity. Whatever my reasons for continuing, there was no absence of flags to ignore. God prepared me to go either way, and my will chose. Blame the sociopath if I like, but it would only be a lie unto myself.
The ultimate recovery is to not be the same as we were before, but to arrive at a new, deep vein of peace that passes human understanding. How? Recognizing the two previous things. We can’t move on from where we are without confrontation. We can stay in the cycle, we can feel deep pain, burden, anger, or we can confront ourselves. Again, this is my story, and if it’s not for you or meant to help you, I encourage you to work through your own in truth. No one can do as much to harm us as we can. That I understand without question.
Ah jusagurl, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds as if you have came to a different place, and space … both within you, and seeing your relationship in a way that makes sense to you.
I think all relationships are personal. Personally I don’t believe that there are any mistakes in life, that everything happens for a reason. (I have struggled with this concept at certain times in my life)… What is difficult, challenges us, and forces us to grow stronger, and to find change within us. Or we might choose not to change… and stay the same. At the end of the day the choice is always individual, one thing we do have is free will – and personal choice.
Unfortunately with that free will also comes consequences of choices that we choose to make. But you know at the end of it, for all losses you gain in wisdom, and what price can you put on wisdom?
Thank you for sharing your story – I hadn’t realised you hadn’t before!
Hi Jusa,
I find your story and your truth beautiful and admirable. I also am owning my past and find the road difficult. But, I am also finding great reward within.
Peace xx
Great post & another I’ve come to expect from you.
You really should give yourself more credit as you truly are one of life’s greatest testimonials to living life & learning from it 🙂
The ‘Gift’ we are given is facing our own demons & learning to look within for our why’s & wherefores for allowing these Sociopaths/Narcissists into our lives.
Self love, self worth, looking outside ourselves for validation etc…
Rest assured though, we are targeted for being real & having integrity & honesty & vulnerability & truth & trust.
Without these qualities, we would be like the Soc/Narc so, that is what sets us up & apart from them.
Being used & abused & treated poorly is not our fault & we only ever accepted these abuses after, we were groomed & all our frailties were being assessed so, I do not blame myself for ‘wearing my heart on my sleeve’ or ‘coming to the table with all my cards out’.
We had no idea that these people existed purely to hone in on us & take advantage so, the balance of ‘power’ was never even although initially it was presented like that.
It’s not until much much later that their truth unfolds so, this is their evil, not ours.
Our journey has been painful, enlightening,traumatic,soulful,deep & delving but, most of all it has been evolutionary as we have evolved to higher places of self understanding & self worth. We need to keep working at self awareness & our truth as, we forgot that we had the power all along but, were ready to hand it over in the hope of love 🙂
This is why they say, ‘Love is blind’ & it does make you crazy 😉
Love is wonderful but, obviously it clouds our judgement & blurs the edges, just all ‘fuzzy wuzzy’ passion & lust, which is fantastic 🙂
Stand alone love is ‘being there’ for yourself & others through thick & thin & we know now that not everyone has that same integrity which is their problem, not ours.
Keep growing & learning & loving with all your wholehearted passion 🙂
Don’t let this experience spoil your hopes & dreams but, look for your love inside wholeheartedly & then expect it from the next person & nothing less 🙂
No disappearing, lies, weird ex stories.
If they have cheated before then, they will again.
Self reliance & self resilience will bring you into your own light & power so, love yourself as your greatest treasure is you 🙂
@Jusa, I confronted myself and what I found at last was the power to literally open my hands and my heart and let him out of my life. With that decision came the peace and joy…
I will write my experience in bullet points.
-Moved to a big city to take a new position/job
-I am a woman that always dated men
-Met a woman at work who was around my age and openly gay
-She befriended me and would ask to hang out after work and on the weekends
-Once asked me to brunch for Sunday-Funday. To me I thought we were going to drink throughout brunch and into the afternoon, but she promptly left after the meal. At brunch and she told me about her long distance relationship to another woman. She told me how they met and how happy she was with her.
-I felt she was giving me special attention. She would call me to talk on the phone, send me songs, and invite me to hang out with her friends. (Later on I found out she was befriending other straight women at work and doing the same thing with them.)
-After one night of drinking we kissed and I invited her into my apartment. We slept together that night. The next day at work she acted like nothing had happened. I would smile at her embarrassingly but she would have a deadpan expression. The next day I told that I was feeling confused because I have only been with men and that I needed to talk to someone about being with someone of my own sex. She told me not to tell anyone and that I should talk to her about it.
-When we met to discuss being gay, I was expecting her to share her own first time experience with a woman, but she only responded to my questions in a short, apathetically way. I was confused why she was being so cold. Since this was my first experience with a woman I was graveling with my own identity.
-We continued to see each other for months while she continued to see her long distance gf.
-She told me she loved me.
-She told me that both her parents were physically abusive towards her and her brother growing up. They had bruises and sometimes her mom would wake them up in the middle of the night to study.
-Her libido was nothing I have ever experienced with a man.
-She has a dog and a cat she inherited from a previous relationship. She only lets her dog out twice a day to relieve herself. Even though she has many pictures of her pets posted on media sights I hardly see her show the animals any affection. Sometimes I would go over to her place and the dog would have no water. Being an animal lover and having a dog of my own I told her at a minimum that her dog should be let out 3x a day and should be taken to the park a few times a week.
-I would try and break it off telling her that she had a gf and I had to figure out this “gay thing” and remain only friends. I got the feeling she didn’t like that because she would send invites for happy hours after work to the whole company but me. I called her and told I was hurt by this and she told me she didn’t do it on purpose. Then we would hang out again and sleep together. This pattern repeated itself for months — every time I would tell her we needed to distance for one another she would find a way to exclude me from other people at work. (Keep in mind I didn’t have a lot of friends in my new city bc I just moved and all my time was consumed by her.)
-She would never hangout with my friends.
-She would get upset if I didn’t come out to see her DJ. Which was painful because she was working and could really hangout with me. The hours were long — sometimes until 4am on weekdays. We had 9-5 jobs.
-She lied to me about her salary.
-While she was still seeing her gf she would ask me when was I going to tell my parents about seeing her. I asked her when she was going to break-up with her gf. She didn’t respond to me.
-She would text and talk to her gf on the phone in my presence. She would lie about it.
-After months of going back and forth with her I asked her when was planning another trip to see her gf. She told me that she was going to go in Nov. but changed her mind. I told her that if she went to see her gf again it would be over.
-A mutual friend at work told me that she was in fact going to see her gf in Nov. I confronted her about it. She denied it and that and was going to visit a friend in FL instead. She cried and told me that she was in love with me and never felt this way about anyone. I told her that i wanted to see her travel itinerary because I was having feelings that she was lying to me. While I waited for her to email me the itinerary she was sending me texts telling me I was crazy. When I received the itinerary it was a horribly constructed. It was fake. She keep calling me and calling me. I finally picked up the phone and she again told me I was crazy. I told her it was fake and goodbye.
-She went to see her gf and unfriended me on Facebook. But before she unfriended me she posted a comment when she landed in her gf’s city “Finally exhaling.” She later tried the explain it was because Obama had won the election even though it was days later.
-Fell back into the trap and started seeing her again. She told me that her gf broke up with her. Then she told me it was a mutual breakup.
-We had fights repeatedly. We were off an on for months.
-She would throw temper tantrums when I told her she couldn’t drive my car. (She only learned how to drive a year earlier and didn’t have a car of her own.) Once we were 2 hours from home and she ran out of the car and wouldn’t get back in after I refused to let her drive. She left all her belongs in the car including her dog. She said she would get a cab back to the city. I had to convince her to get back in the car. We rode in silence for the remainder of the trip. This wasn’t the first time she gave me the silent treatment after driving her on trips outside the city.
-She would accuse me of playing mind games with her even though I never cheated on her or lied to her.
-She would read my text messages while I was sleeping. She would snoop on my PC.
-Other people at work, woman and men would tell me either own experiences with her. About how she was hot and cold. They they all thought they had a special friendship with her then one day would unexpectedly become aloof.
-I had a feeling that her and another woman at work with were romantically involved to. She denied it. When I told the other woman at work about us told me that they were involved. I confronted her and she finally confessed that they only kissed once even though the other woman said twice.
-I found out the other woman at work was involved with a man at work too. He told me that not only did the woman kiss they have slept together. She would send this other woman sexual songs even a song that was ours. She lied about it when confronted.
-One night after a night of drinking we got into an argument she began verbally abusing me. She pulled my hair ripping a good chunk from my scalp. The next day she came over never once did she apologize for pulling my hair. She told me it wasn’t her fault. We continued to see each other.
-One night we were together everything was fine. We started to have sex and I faked my organism. She became very upset, jumped out of bed, put her clothes on threatened to leave. But she didn’t. She started verbally abusing me telling me I was broken and ugly. She took my cell phone and wouldn’t give it back. I told her that I would hit her if she didn’t give me my phone. (I have never hit anyone in my life and I have never been involved in an abusive relationship.) I hit her and she still refused to give me my cell phone and leave. She pinned me down and put a lit cigarette butt 2 inches from my eye. She told me that she was going to “bash in my face.” I finally shut down and pretended to go to sleep. She held me and told me she was sorry and that she loved me. She spooned me and I soon fell asleep. I woke up to her gone the next morning.
-We didn’t speak for days after that even though we work in the same small office space.
-We hung out for one final time and when I began to ignore her she told me she couldn’t do see me anymore. I asked her politely if she wouldn’t put it in my face about her other relationship with our coworker. The next day she went out of her way to make sure they worked together even though another guy was promised the project with her. The other woman was under qualified to work on it with her but told her manager that she didn’t trust the qualified person to help. They clambered to see my reaction when I found out about them working together. They took delight in taunting me. I was heartbroken because the other woman was suppose to be my friend even though I suspected that they did more than kiss.
-Since then she has not tried to contact me but no it’s just a matter of time before she will try and illicit another reaction from me. Hoping to be strong.
Dating a Sociopath 
That is the price we have to pay to protect ourselves, the loss of innocence. ..the loss of the thought that everybody are good by nature…
I am in crisis. I think the Spath I am trying to get away from
overheard me talking about them on the phone when I thought it was safe. I saw the dark eyes and anger after… I think they are going to frame me for a crime that was coercion due to the fear and control they have over me. I have been trying to get out, but they won’t let me
even though they discarded me, they keep me in their trap due to
my lack of income and resources (it is very complicated). I am forced to still live with them as I have nowhere to go and it’s all very complicated.
I could end up homeless or jailed.
They have prestige and power and everyone believing them.
I don’t have resources to get out and they have been abusing and using me. None of the agencies or org I have contacted can help me and suggest things that will only make it worse or impossible to do.
This person does not seem like your typical non-working type.
They have a high paying, well respected job (but still keep milking me
in ways that looks legit). They are masters of framing and manipulating. I have been trying to get assistance, but they are too powerful and cover all their tracks.
The delay tactics have been evident, but they are rapid, creating so much chaos that my life is in crisis trying to keep up with dealing with them and I am exhausted and PTSD. And each delay tactic
puts me in more isolation and more incapable of getting out.
What usually happens with a Spath like this when they find out you are telling people and they are still in control of you?
I fear for homelessness and legal action taken against me.
They have taken everything and soon I will have no options.
I have no one to take me in.
In all the stories I read where people get out, they have family
or friends to help them out, take them in. They have some money
to be able to recoup. My story is diff (and I don’t feel safe with all the details here) due to my dependence on them for housing and my health status.
I cannot prove what they are doing, but they can frame me.
Help!!!!!! I feel like my life is going to be over soon as I wait for whatever they decide to do to take me down.
Has anyone had this situation, where they were in this position
of not being able to get out, having the Spath find out you
were telling on them and trying to get out?
@ trueblue. The OW could be so heavily dependent on him that she doesn’t feel strong enough to leave. That’s how the Spaths work, they make us be dependent on them and we can also start to believe that we don’t deserve any better than them. You ask if he plays the same games with her. I believe he would. Imagine 11 years of those games. It would be emotionally exhausting.
I was the one that was in the relationship first with my Spath than the OW came along. I have no idea when or how she came along but he has his version of events and I don’t believe it. I believe it happened a lot sooner than he is telling me as that is when his behaviour started to changed towards me……..when he found a new toy to play with. Going by my experience being the first one out of me and the OW, I can’t imagine what your OW is feeling but I was a wreck after finding out about my Spath. 11 years of that. Wow, she is probably ready to go to the loony bin.
@trueblue. Give yourself more credit. Being 55 doesn’t mean you should have known better. It just means that he is an extremely good con artist. Never feel ashamed that you loved someone 🙂 It is a very, very hard thing to get your head around. We all completely understand. You are doing so well with no contact. Keep going with that and keep talking to us.
@trueblue
Everyone doesn’t have the same level of self-awareness, strength of character, or integrity. If a person doesn’t know if s/he deserves better, is self-defeating, or just grows comfortable and doesn’t want something else more, s/he could stay in a holding pattern for years.
When we make a compromise that says, I know this is wrong, I will do it anyway, if only for a time, we have just chosen our team and willingly enslaved ourselves, making it that much harder to overcome because now we will carry some guilt as our unconscious recognizes we chose this. So then, to overcome, we have to now contradict ourselves , sometimes against pride of the ego.
Other people around us will be happy to support our perceived goodness because telling someone the real truth about themselves, with love, is harder. We risk our own relationship with someone when we contradict their deep-seated wants.
I believe one of the reasons Positiva recommends concentrating on self instead of OW is because your struggle is with you, not them. They have their own path and struggle, and even understanding it won’t enlighten your own. We come to this life alone, and we leave it alone. Who we become in the process is between us and God.
Great comment Scarlett, thank you 🙂
Ok – I left my SP in October and have had contact only once when I had to get my belongings (Dec 1). He texts me once every week or two, I rarely respond, and if I do it is something rude.
Anyway, his most current text says “I’m always here if you ever need anything whatsoever no matter what”. I laughed at it and did not respond. However, I am going out of town in two weeks and need someone to watch me dog.. He would be a good candidate as he lived with my dog for a year and a half, and it would be a lot less stressful than having her boarded.
I am 100% over him (I was over it for ten months before I finally left him), is it dangerous to have him watch my dog? Please talk me out of this!
I am so happy I found this website. Knowing I am not alone throughout this battle has been comforting. I definitely am going to post my story here. Even if nobody reads it, I find myself seeing how horrible he treated me as I write it all down for me to read back. It’s so eye opening, scary even.
I met him just over 2 years ago. He approached me through a Facebook message. I had briefly known him in high school, not very well, but I had always thought he was cute. It had been years since I had even spoken to him, and actually forgot he existed (I wish it stayed that way). From the moment we spoke, it was an instant connection. We had all the same interests, the same dry humour, everything. It was scary how well we could hold a conversation. We began to talk everyday for hours. He gave me constant attention, wanting to hear from me all of the time. It was flattering, but almost a little excessive at times. He wanted to meet me so bad, and seemed obsessed. I finally went and met him, and from that day on we were inseparable. We spent every single day together. When we weren’t together, he was talking to me. I fell hard, real fast. He told me he loved me within like 2 weeks of the relationship. From then on it just started to go downhill. I’ll write in point form so that it’s easier to read rather than huge paragraphs:
– had a huge social group at first, he did not have hardly any friends
– would come out with me at first, but would get extremely intoxicated, and would be almost embarrassing. Became jealous of guy friends involved in the group, and I was told by several of my friends that they heard him talking when I wasn’t around that he was going to “beat the shit” out of the guy I was talking to (who had been a friend since grade 7, and I hadn’t seen him in years)
– stopped coming out with me, would sulk if I wanted to go out
– anytime I’d be out with friends I would get constant texts, wondering where I was. If I didn’t reply within 15 minutes I’d get harassing phone calls, asking me where the fuck I was, and “fuck this relationship”
– my entire time out with friends would be spent texting him, reassuring him nothing was happening, telling him he could trust me.
– it would just be a fight the next day, he would sulk or ignore me
-started to notice extreme mood swings, friends started noticing a change in my behavior
-started distancing myself from my friends because according to him they were alcoholics, bad influences, and sluts
– he really then started to treat me like shit
– I was expected to wait on him hand and foot, be his little housewife, he even told me at times this was “grooming” for when I would be living with him, so I could be the perfect house wife
– he did not care when bad things happened to me or I became upset, would be cold and distant (ex, I asked him to pick me up from work one night because a homeless man had followed me to my car and it scared me, he told me that’s not what he wanted to do on his night off. Would rather drink with his step dad. When finally convincing him to pick me up he screamed at me, called me a c*nt, a princess, just because my dad would come help me doesn’t mean he should have to. When I finally snapped on him he pulled the car over, screamed at me to get out, when I didn’t get out he rolled my side of the car window down and locked it so the rain would pour in on me from the passenger window)
– or another example my car broke down (the one he bought for me) and when I called him really upset that it broke down in rush hour traffic he said “I don’t know what you want me to do, I’m not a mechanic” when I finally got back to his house a nervous wreck, he was sleeping. And got angry with me when I was upset that he did not care at all, enough that he could sleep
– I was never right for anything, and he would never apologize, EVER. When asking him to apologize because he really hurt me he would stare at me in the eyes and not say a word. It always felt like nothing was ever resolved because I would start apologizing for things I shouldn’t, and he would not budge
– started telling me my family do not care about me, and that I should move in with him to get me away from that environment (which was partially true, my brother was a dick, but the rest of my family loved me)
– moved in with him and his family, the control became worse.
– tell me I could not wear certain things if he was not with me, or if I wore something nice he would say “wow look at you, just want to show your tits off to everybody” (I do not dress provocative at all, and even his mom would chime in when he would say things to me like no, I think you look really nice today)
– stopped going out completely, instead would invite friends over to hangout and have drinks with us to stop the fighting.
– did NOT stop the fighting, he would fall asleep early (like always, because he could not handle his alcohol) then wake up later on in the evening while I was up talking with a couple girlfriends in the kitchen, SCREAMING at me, embarrassing me in front of my friends, saying they need to get the fuck out
– on new years eve he became so belligerent he threw my phone against a wall, broke it, tipped my dresser over, put his foot through it.
– ended up buying me replacements in the next couple days, acted really sweet
– his birthday after st. pattys day, took him for birthday drinks and bowling with his family. when arriving back to the house he was so horrible and mean, putting me down calling me names, that I threw a piece of the food I was eating at him. he snapped, went downstairs and locked me out of our room (this seemed to be a reoccurring pattern). When trying to get back in to make up with him, tell him I didn’t want to fight, he got so angry, screaming at me to get the fuck out of his face. I told him “baby it’s okay, let’s get past this”, he threw me to the ground, choked me, gave me a fat lip.
– told me he would stop drinking the next day, believed him, didn’t happen
– still extremely controlling. went out to boston pizza for my birthday, he never wanted to come with me anywhere so I planned it for a night he was working nights. his step dad even came out to buy me a drink. I asked him to give me this ONE night, to not be an asshole to me. he was the worst he had ever been, calling me every 10 minutes, screaming at me, to the point where he broke up with me on the phone and I spent the evening crying in the bathroom
– next day things were fine, but of course it was MY fault, like always
– put up with months more of this, nights where I’d get blamed for staying up later than he did, him locking me out, me sleeping on the guest bed upstairs and his mom coming in to tell me that it’s not my fault, and she doesn’t know where he gets this from
– August, he asks me to move out. 2 days later breaks up with me
– within that week he sleeps with a girl he meets off of a dating website. I fight for him back, tell him I’ll change all of my ways. He strings me along, finally taking me back after a month of torture.
– abuse got worse. I had to clean his sheets, his dishes, even if I didn’t contribute to them
– never allowed to go out, even if I was not drinking. Went to a Halloween party sober, texted him the whole time, told him I was coming home early to spend the night with him. Was a half an hour late because of Halloween costume prizes, when I got to his house he told me to leave and get out.
– crazier mood swings started happening, always walking on egg shells
– if I didn’t come see him at 5:30am when he got off night shifts because I was so tired he would ignore me for the full day and sulk. Had to grovel to make him feel better
– Would ruin anything I would plan. Always had to be HIS plans, or no plans. And when I finally convinced him to do the stuff I wanted to do he’d be in a constant horrible mood, not talking to me, or complaining the whole time, making my night miserable
– started becoming scary forceful during sex, choking me to the point where it really hurt my neck and chest the next day, very hard to breathe, told me “I liked it”
– still somehow reeled me in by giving me constant attention, telling me I was the best, that he missed me so much, wanted to marry me and move into our own house together
– his parents REALLY started to step up and notice the abuse, tell me I am in a controlling abusive relationship, did not want to listen, wanted to change for him
– sprained my ankle at a work Christmas party on ice, he ignored me pretty much for 3 days because I didn’t call him when it happened, instead I texted him. Made me feel horrible for 3 days and when I kept apologizing he told me “to stop being an emotional pussy”, but never once asked how I was doing, or how my ankle felt
– Christmas eve he was not invited to my family dinner. All of my family and friends HATED him. He was bugging me to leave the entire time and when I finally got to his house and left my family Christmas dinner, they were all drinking, got me to drink.
– he passed out super early at 9pm, just after I got there. Me being bored, decided I’d grab a couple drinks LITERALLY across the street at a tiny little hole in the wall bar. You could see it from his house
– he woke up in a rage, called me screaming at me, I ran right to his house, telling him I was only across the street
-he locks me out, I try to get in, huge fight. Christmas day he breaks up with me.
– I’m devastated. I had fought so hard to get this man back in my life, no idea why. He was cold, did not care that he just discarded me.
– tried to message me later on saying he wanted to run away, felt like he was played, but not by me.
– I ignored it. but broke the next day after going out on a night out with the girls, tried to see him. he was cruel and wouldn’t even come out to see me
– next day told me he never loved me (although he used to tell me constantly), he was bored of me (although he always needed me there, told me how great I was). then began to say every insecurity I ever confided in him back to me, I got fat, I should go cut and kill myself (I had cut when I was 12, I am 22 now, this was a long time ago), that I should go sleep with a whole bunch of guys because I’m just a whore (not even close to one), I’m an alcoholic (I drink sometimes on weekends, I’m young, this is what we do. He drinks on almost a daily basis and gets stupid)
I am heartbroken. He does not care, or give a shit about me. Everyone, my family and friends, and his family and friends are telling me how horrible he was, he never deserved me and he will regret this. But I hear he has moved on to someone new. He was on a dating site the DAY we broke up. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like sometimes it was my fault like he says, that I should have listened and I should have tried harder (he always told me I never tried hard enough). But it can’t be me. It just can’t be. I don’t know if he is a sociopath, a narcissist, or just…. crazy. But there’s something wrong, and it’s not me. I gave him everything, tried to be as sweet and loving as possible, and it was never enough. 😦
Hi Alexandra 🙂
Welcome to the site, Positiva has created a wonderful, safe & supportive place for us all.
You came to the right place & the support is amazing & you are never alone so, keep reading & researching & finding your answers & move into your healing when you are ready 🙂
It all takes time but, you are worth it & deserve better 🙂
You did nothing wrong so, don’t doubt that ever.
This is what everyone goes through & that is the ‘mind game’ that the Soc plays with you.
They are very cat & mouse & they make you run the gauntlet of human emotions 😦
Remember that he needed to dominate & control you for his own selfish end whilst, you were in the relationship for all the right reasons, he was not 😦
It was all about him & his agenda & they ‘get off’ on torturing you physically & emotionally. They are cowards & bullies so, you are free of him now. None of this was your fault, that lies squarely on his shoulders!
Stay No Contact as it will delay your healing & you will feel even worse if that’s possible.
They hate losing control & if you seek answers from him, you leave the door open for further abuse & ruin.
You are worthy & beautiful & all that you are & always have been 🙂
Find your way back to you as that is your prize 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Thank you so much pheonixrising. I am trying my best to move forward with my life, without this demon, and I keep getting updates from other people about his life that I really just hate hearing. I will keep telling myself I did nothing wrong because I know deep down I really didn’t. The only thing I did wrong was ignore the signs, and let him creep in and destroy me. When you say that they are bullies, and they get off torturing you physically and emotionally, you are absolutely right. The scary thing is, he once admitted to me he thinks he is a sadist. It creeped me out when he said it, but now that it’s over, it rings so true. I thank you for your support, and I’ll keep fighting through this journey with the rest of you! I’m just glad I’m not alone on this. 🙂
@ Alexandra 🙂
We are here for you & know how hard this experience is but, I can assure you it’s going to be okay.
I had 10 years with mine & thankfully came here for help & support & respite.
We ‘get it’ & you 🙂
Just be kind to yourself & try & block the messages of how great his life is etc…stay No Contact…work on your healing 🙂
You are wonderful & beautiful & deserve the best life possible but, it’s up too you to believe so, work on self love & self worth, your worth all the hard work 🙂
Keep going & we will walk with you all the way to freedom 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Don’t think about him, and ask that other people do not tell you what he is doing. I left my SP ex in October, and I will admit that I have had some painful moments, but I am a lot happier in general.
Force yourself to be social, and find positive people to share your time with. I am three months out of my relationship with my SP ex and I do think about him a lot, but I am so much happier. It was difficult to spend the holidays alone, but also good for me because I was able to remember the previous few years and the way he would ruin holidays for me, and the way that he would ruin everything that I looked forward to by throwing some kind of tantrum.
You can’t talk to him or see him ever again. That is the only way.
Tantrum, that’s the best way to describe their reaction when things don’t go as they want. Watching a grow man with a tantrum is am “experience” that I don’t want to see ever again.
lovely girl, forget this shit. Thats what he is. There are some real men in the world and I have found mine. I also had my share of sociopaths and never regreted having jumped out of the whole situation. Just be happy, enjoy your life, go out with your friends, buy some new clothes and when you get up in the morning remember he is not in your life!!!!!!!!!!!!! no more abuse, beatings, scenes, stress, hurt.
@Dreamer 🙂
Welcome & I hope you find some if not all your answers here.
Firstly, don’t bother labelling him as he could be a Sociopath or a narcissist or both 😦
The fact is, he’s not treating you with respect & you deserve so much better.
Normal guys don’t go on with all that BS so, don’t fall for it.
I know that your heart is connected but, you must protect yourself & value yourself as his behaviour is far from normal 😦
The facts are all staring you in the face, he’s a loser & likes to play games. There are other women & always will be so, do yourself a big favour & stay No Contact.
No Contact gives you time to decide & you need to choose you & find someone who doesn’t make you feel bad ever!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@Dreamer, forget about trying to put a label on him, and concentrate your attention of what he actually did to you and how he made you feel. He was dishonest to you, he was cheating and he was treating you as a person of no value. That’s what you want for your life? What change have he made? Look for his actions, not his words and please take care of yourself. You are the only one who can really do it
@ NIBSIH 🙂
BIG HUG BACK TOO YOU ((((0))))
I love that song, & never knew who sung it.
My Soc/narc called me today after 10 month’s!!!! To apologise!!!
WTF….I will write about it soon but, am still processing the conversation?
I will however tell you that I am proud of myself as I stayed in my own truth & power 🙂
it came ‘out of the blue’ & I got the old…”you mean so much too me still!!!”…..
It’s finally over & I had my opportunity to tell him, I am real & authentic & that he was an illusion & that my life is so much better & I am flourishing 🙂 This is the truth so, stay in your own power as, he left defeated & I felt at peace 🙂
Wow, talk about a journey & going full circle….OMG!!!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR
OMG, that is so awesome!! I am so happy, I am so behind on my reading! I am trying to catch up, with everyone’s current situations. I am looking for the post.
Boyfriend took me to Superbowel in New Jersey! Which was AWESOME, as we are from CA! One thing I didn’t realize about myself, I had anxiety attack, (which hardly ever happens). Because Boyfriend (is impatient) wasn’t where he said he was going to be and went around the corner to our seats, with out telling me. Now no big, but with the history of nut wads I have been with, it usually means your being detained by police or security. So I was panicking, then when I found him, he was acting like “what’s your problem” and yelled at me in front of everyone. I was embarrassed, so I shut down. Later we talked and he was very sorry. He just figured, I would go to our seats. I think I need to write my story out. I have a lot of anxiety over it.
And yes I love the song too, I loovvee the 80’s – bunch of co-dependent, enablers. Lol.
Always,
NIBSIH.
No contact feels great doesn’t it 😀
I haven’t been going for long but I just feel good. There has been no attempt on his part or my part. Of course, there are days where I have felt like I have missed him or wondered what he was doing (apart from scamming another person). Very strange considering how I was treated but I think it was more of that need to get my kick from him, like drug addicts do.
I have no idea what is going on in his life. In the past that would have made me very anxious. He is an extremely secretive person (his work colleagues called him ‘a complicated person’) while I am a very open person when in a relationship. Now I just look at his life while he was with me and he was such an uninteresting and boring person. His life was about money and work. He didn’t really do much, he never made plans for the future and he used to get angry at me when I talked about the future or what I wanted to do later on in life (aka my dreams). So now I just look at my life without him and look at all the things I have to look forward to over the next couple of years. These are the things that are also helping me get through.
This site is great – helping me through a very recent break up. My story is not as extreme as some of them above but goes a bit like this: sorry for the rant…….
We met May 2009 online. We did a lot of chatting online, he was asking lots of questions about me. Told me he was in the army and had just come back from Afghan was in the parachute Regiment (top league) and was a sniper. He was a bit of a wheeler dealer on the side, selling 2nd hand cars etc. When I met him the chemistry was soooooo intense. I hadnt felt like this about anyone. Sex was fantastic and we both wanted each other however I wanted him so bad. He had a massive ego, and was cocky with everything. I loved his confidence and mystery. He wined and dined me lots for the first year, took me on holidays (5 holidays a year) inc Paris at NY. It was amazing BUT something was missing, he was always cold and lacked empathy. He used to play ‘hard to get’ by not texting me for days, wondering where he had gone. He would always tell me his doing sociable things with friends and was ‘busy’ however I never ONCE met a friend. I wasnt allowed around his parents for too long max 20 mins before I was whisked away. He used to tell me “they annoyed him”. He was always so secreative with his phone, laptop and life.
Red Flag number 1 – he had no respect for laws. he ignored parking tickets, ignored court summons, threw packaging out of his car onto the road, walked out of restaurants without paying, claimed undelivered items so he got them for free.
Red flag number 2 – was in April 2010 he was put on electronic tag for 3 months for an offence. I thought it was strange – he told me he had sold a dodgy car.
Red flag number 3 – I got pregnant and didnt want to keep the baby so I wanted an abortion. I told him and he just laughed and smirked at me asking me to deal with it. I asked when he was free to take me to the clinic and he said he was too busy. I forced him to take me in the end but he was never there emotionally.
Red flag number 4 – Shortly after I told him I had a bit of money saved and I didnt know what to do with it……he said to invest in him. So I gave him £6000 with the deal he would give me back 12,000. He was very good at his car selling and was progressing quickly making lots of money. I had NO idea how he was doing so well but he told me it was because he worked day and night and was a good salesman. A year later he had saved enough with using my money to buy a Ferrari and a Mustang (approx £40,000). We moved in together end of 2012, into my house. He never contributed an ounce of rent in this time claiming his struggling with money and was saving up. 3 months later he smashed the car up in an accident in the snow near his house he claimed wasnt his fault and he would get the money back! He was nearly killed. He went distant, no sex, and did his ‘dissapearing trick’ whereby he wouldnt speak to me on the phone, in person and just vanished (red flag number 4) I was convinced he was cheating. About a month later he came back into my life telling me he had been stressed and in his man ‘cave’ after the accident. He wanted to move back in with me. So we continued on and he told me he had got a driving job that he did at night 10pm-4am (again strange).
Red flag number 5 – On May 28th 2012 he didnt come home at his normal time – next thing I got phonecall from the police saying he had been arrested. He got remanded at a local prison and he told me he had been arrested for selling a rented piano on finance. I found out very VERY different in October 2012 at his conviction. He told me he had been sentenced to 2 yrs in prison for fraud because of the piano and he would be out in January 2013 – could I stick it out with him till then.
Red Flag number 6 – He was lying lying lying about everything…….whilst he was in prison I contacted his family and a couple of his so called friends and realised sooooo much had been a lie.
– he was never in the army
– he had been in prison 3 times before for yearly stints mainly theft, bilkings, fraud etc
– his night time delivery job was driving prostitutes around for business
– he was in prison for many many fraudulent offences conning people and ripping people and businesses off
– the car crash was his fault and the accident happened the otherside of the country (still dont know why he was far from home at 1am)
– he lied about his age ( he was 20 when I met him not 23)
– he will never get the money back for the car accident
– he had a much longer prison sentence – he wasnt out until June 2013
– he sold me a dodgy car that had been written off
– he stole my money and I was not going to get it back
Even through these lies I decided to forgive him. He was the perfect boyfriend in prison, calling me everyday, letters and deep love and promises of marriage when he was out. He basically said he couldnt believe he had nearly thrown away his soulmate. He had unconditional love for me.
So I waited and made a pact with him “no more lies” and honesty was the way forward. He told me he was a changed man. The lies continued. The deceit continued when he came out of prison.
Red Flag Number 7 – he never let me get close to him. Very little emotion. He had no empathy when I had anxiety and depression. I just annoyed him. He would get cross with me and shout at me making me worse. He would stay out all night coming in at 2am worrying me.
Red Flag number 8 – I spent 4 years with this guy and recently broke up with him because he was making me so insecure and trust issues arose. On breaking up with him he showed no emotion. Walked out with his jacket in hand and his response was ‘fine’. No remorse, no why have you done this? No explanation…. no talking. Its like I never mattered to him.
What I dont understand is why I STILL want him??? After all of this shit he has put me through. I am struggling to detatch from him. I feel addicted. We have been no contact now for 1 week. Its sooooo hard 😦
Hi and welcome to the site!! I understand your story so well. You ask why? Find the post ‘the relationship is over so why can’t you let go? Take me to your drug dealer. Read as much as you can and talk to other victims. It will help and will normalise your experiences.
I know that ‘I love you’ to ‘bye’ nothing is so hard.
Hi Lovely Pos 🙂
Did you get my email, I have now had contact with the OW!
My goodness, the game never ends & I thought I was ‘home & hosed!’
For goodness sake, he really is a complete gamer & he’s back triangulating me again!!!
I am good though, it’s really quite comical 😉
I did….I wrote a post to put it up… but then reading it, what I wrote didn’t go with what you wrote. So I have sent you a mail asking how you would like me to do it….:) Go you though! I am really proud of you!! You sound like you are buzzing too 🙂
Welcome DeeB. It is a long and hard road to recovery. It truly is like an addiction. This site is fantastic. I finally feel like I am heeling with being able to load off everything onto here and having such supportive people responding and giving positive reinforcement.
I think the crazy-making is awful. The way they disappear and then reappear is playing with our heads and is a huge part of the crazy-making process. So is the lying, they are so good at it that I think they start to believe it as well. I was doing things that I would never do in a relationship or with anyone. He would disappear and I would be constantly texting or emailing and trying to get a response as I had no idea what was going on, I had become needy. I developed anxiety and depression. I wanted attention and I wasn’t getting it from him. I was made to feel like it was always me that was the problem. That I was getting angry and starting fights because there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t a good person. The times he was nice was when he wanted money. I would then start to question why he was in a relationship with me and that played on me as well. I now long back and realise that is all part of their plans. They like to see us losing our minds and sometimes our dignity. I was accusing him of cheating because my gut was yelling out to me. I had no trust in him and, as it turns out, with good reason.
It is also funny how their own family and friends seem to warn us or say something to us about the Spaths. When my Spath disappeared, it was week 3 and I was actually quite worried so I contacted his sister. She asked me if he had spoken to me about our relationship. I said that we had spoken recently about getting married and other stuff like that. Then she told me that I deserve and a better and good man. I didn’t understand what she meant. She later said that he is a good man but sometimes he isn’t. He’s a good man? I don’t think so but I think she was starting to get cautious as to what she was saying to me as well. 3 weeks later he married somebody else. His sister’s conversation and warnings made perfect sense after that.
We are all in the same boat as you. We have all been there or going through it. My head is no longer foggy, my anxiety has almost disappeared, I have accepted that many of my questions will never be answered and I will never understand him, but I don’t want to understand him either because that would mean understanding what a Sociopath’s mind works and, to me, their minds are too ugly and sinful.
Ex def an S – I totally relate to your story. The anxiety and depression was what ended it for me. I was having sick leave from work, I stopped eating and was on beta blokers, Zopiclone (powerful sleeping tabs) and anti-dep. My life became unmanageable. Completley confusing behaviour which was sending me insane. Since being away from him (only a week) that gripping sick anxiety and low worthless mood has vanished! Funny hey???!!! Although I dont believe mine was unfaithful (although I will never know) I do know there was something messed up in his mind and trying to change him or accept him was NOT something many people could or would do. Everyone was warning me off my ex too…..even my counsellor said ‘he is a pathological liar, he wont change’. My friends, my parents all saying I could do better even his mum said at the end that she didnt blame me for ending it. Ending it is hard because, you start to remember only the good stuff – the stuff at the start and because it was SOOOOOo push pull, here one minute gone the next, I found myself addicted to the next pull!
Good luck and dont forget not all men are like this. We need to learn why we ended up attached to a person such as this. Its time to look inside ourselves and ask these questions? xxx
@PR, don’t let the curiosity kill the “kitten”, The only thing that the ow and you have in common was him and the suffering he brought, he is no longer part of your life, so, no strings attached. no contact with the OW too! A really big (( ))hug to you.
My ex has just text me to tell me that he slept with someone whilst we have been split up……why would he do this?? Just to hurt me?
Aww Deeb,
Yes thats exactly why & doesn’t that show what an utter asshole he is!
I am so sorry he doesnt value what a treasure he had in you!
Just remember that anything good in him is just a reflection of You 🙂
Wouldnt you love to text back, ” whoo whoo, I’m free of of you & you can f@#k whoever you like! So can I , so text someone who gives a s#*t!
Stay No Contact but, think this, I am so above your mind f@#king games, that I really cant wait to swing from the chandeliers with the real deal & not the fake!
Sorry but, He doesnt deserve you & he is too damn stupid to realise!
Deeb, believe me when I say, you will be okay & I have been where you are & you will be okay 🙂 its a long hard road but, you are never alone here. Stay & share, support & know that we love & value you.
Be strong & Brave, we are with you all the way 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Thanks and thanks also Ex def an S below. I text him back saying “she is welcome to you” and blocked his number and email 😉
Didn’t take long for him to move on. Keep no contact. He wants a reaction from you.
@ Deeb, its probably a blow up dolly anyway 😉
Oh, wouldn’t that be hysterical a doll that explodes!
Kaboom & off with his willy 😉 Lol x
PR xxx
LOL that would be karma.
@ ex def 😉
Karma Chameleon 😉
They come & go!
Stay NC so, they stay gone!
Colours will light my dreams, love Culture Club 😉 xxxx PR 🙂
Hi, I am new to this site, dont really no what to do, but am getting some answers reading these post. Have been in a relationship with a controlling, jeckyl and hide for 7 years. So much has happened, but he chipped away at me slowly, has done some awful things to me, which my friends are horrified about, but to me seem so normal and not so bad. He seems to have all the symptoms of a soc, have realised this since reading other peoples stories.. have started no contact again today, as he is playing games and to a certain extent, I have too. Something I never thought I would do. We have a child together, so no this is going to be extra hard, my child does not want to see him, as he broke up with me in front of him, said some nasty things and its not the first time. Just want my child to be safe and secure, and am being strong for him, just need some advice please..desperate. thank you
Hi future, welcome to the site 🙂
It is difficult to manage when you have a child together. As you know the sociopath will use the child to manipulate and control you. This can be tricky. I did write a post how to co-parent with a male sociopath. (do a search in the search box top right hand corner).
The best advice is to make all contact ONLY about the child
– Keep accurate records of everything
– You keep control. Make visits to the child formal
– If possible go through legal channels
– Never display emotion – see it as a business transaction
– Do not give them personal information ever about you – or anything that can (and will) be used against you.
If your child does not want to see him, this is fine, and he shouldn’t be forced. Always put the interests of your child first. It is what your child wants and needs. Oh and try not to (as hard as this is) to put the father down in front of the child as this can later be replayed back to you and twisted around (that you turned your child against him) and that he was actually dad of the year.
Hi Future 🙂
Welcome to this amazing site & listen to everything Pos has said etc… focus on establishing strong boundaries of contact so, that you are not exposed too more harm emotionally/physically/spiritually.
The aim of the Soc is to control & own you by possession & you are far too good to be treated so badly.
Stay here for support & reassurance & read & share as much as you feel capable of doing.
We ‘get you’ & you are safe here & supported & loved 🙂
Please be strong & courageous as the Soc/Narc does a really good job on your head & after 7 years, you will have to walk down the road of therapy etc….don’t be scared as most of us have walked this path & we are all at different stages.
You are not alone & we value you & your input.
Focus on your healing, health & wellbeing & you & your child will be okay.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
For two years I have struggled to put on a brave face following the end of a relationship I believed to be forever. I am a very loyal, honest and family orientated person. The ending of this relationship has been beyond painful for both me and my daughter. I have lost all my self esteem, suffer anxieties in the community and constantly feel empty inside and my daughter had to see a psychologist due to her extreme hurt and anger. This person was very charismatic and attentive, telling me I completed him and he could see himself growing old with me. I kept asking myself ‘can you be too happy’. He moved into my home and I adored both him and his son and slowly life centred around him and his son and all sibling conflicts became my daughters fault as his son could not possibly be naughty. A year later he had to disclose he had been unfaithful or I was to be told by some one else. I felt so violated but chose to forgive (big mistake) as I did not wish to dissolve the family unit and hurt the children. Every thing seemed to be what was best for them and not my daughter and me. He did not want to sell our individual assets and buy one property together and did not wish to have children with me as he said ‘he didn’t have enough love for any more and it would impact on his time with his son. In between all this my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed away ( this was and still is incredibly hard) and I was not supported in my grief process but rather was expected to put on a brave face after six weeks.One night after work he said ‘I need a break from you but still wont to be in a relationship and he moved to his mothers. He wonted the relationship to go back to when we first met and we all know this doesn’t happen. After four weeks of him coming and then leaving and telling me he loves me, but cant live with me at that time he come to me while at my fathers home and said I don’t yearn for you any more( my world fell apart). That was it, just like that. My daughter and I where no longer significant in his life and he looked at me like I was nothing and after four years of building a relationship with his son I didn’t get to say goodbye. Less than a week later he was hand in hand with another lady. I don’t know if he was a sociopath but when I read the communication on this web site it all sounds and feels so familiar, almost surreal and for the first time in two years I think ‘maybe it wasn’t me”.
Hi Looking for the Light 🙂
Just keep reading & sharing & venting & start focusing on your healing 🙂
You are worthy of better treatment & you will survive this trauma.
Welcome & I hope you find peace & answers & support here 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Thank you PR. Since finding this web site I look forward to reading the new and existing information. I have read many tex books in last 18 months in order to find the answers to my questions but I have to say this does not compare to the life experiences and survival of others. Thank you all, till tomorrow.
Good morning/ evening/ afternoon everyone,
I have been around spaths all my life. I now know that my parents too are spaths, that’s why I don’t relate to them, my siblings too. Our home was like a psych ward. Growing up I never understood anything that was going on or why, I was bewildered. I had a younger bro. He was such a compassionate guy. He couldn’t handle it and took his life at 17. I will never forget that day when my only family ( for real) was found hanging in the garden. I went to pieces when I saw him. I was shaking so bad and my legs gave up. I couldn’t talk I remember my mom when I tried to tell her what I had seen. She had glass eyes, and even the death of her son didn’t change them. I was grabbing her and she said “don’t touch me” and calmly went to call the cops and my dad. My father dabbed his eyes a little but no one in my family’s world ended like mine did. He had left a note saying he just couldn’t do this anymore. I knew what he talking about.
-Or family was like a shiny apple with worms inside.
-There was violence, broken windows, furniture, damaged doors. -everyone thought we were just fab!
-My folks used to seduce us with kind words then turn. They did it to each other.
-They always told us how brilliant they were as children. As a kid, I never new what was coming through the door. Violence or nice words (they didn’t touch or hug).
– I had finished school and was looking so forward to fly out to uni and get away to a new life.
-I thought I was now set for happiness and lots of hugs….
-Enter first spath! He was older than me and he pursued me like a rabid dog. At that time I thought this must be love.
-It was heaven for the first month. Little gifts and messages and chocolates.
-Then he changed literally over night. I had been with him the night before and he was luvy dovey. and the next afternoon I met him and he was ice.
-What followed was two years of being dumped (onetime on a trip, he just left and he knew I was broke with no money to pay for anything),
-I was called crazy, he used the ” n” word several times. Until I felt like was back in the nightmare of my family.
– I took off. Changed school and just vanished. That was 20 years ago and this nut still shows up unexpectedly on social and dating -Then spath no. 2 showed up.
-He listen to my desires to have a family of my own and promised to fulfill that dream.
-Then he became controlling.he bought me a phone that I had to use to remind him of my love for him.
-He said that he wouldn’t start while I was I school. He started to insist that I was a liar. That I was not genuine. That I had conned into believing that I wanted to settle down with him while I was just screwing all the lectureres ( using my history of dating ONE lecturer against me).
-Them he left, vanished into thin air. I went to his place and there was a “for rent” sign.
-He had said he owned that house, and very many properties in Knightsbridge!!
-My father wanted me to change location. I had developed a very close romance with alcohol by this time. I was alway drunk and the news was trickling back home.
-So I moved. I never saw or heard from that psych again. There was not much internet at that time.
-next few years , I didn’t date: I had my bottle.
-Any efforts at recovery failed. So I drank. I gave up on uni, went back home and just drank. Being drunk I couldn’t participate in family madness; great! I could pretend that they were all dead!
-Then I was sent to rehab for the 3rd time and this time I finally quit. -I was sent out again to uni.
-I didn’t date, I decided all men are like that. It was me who was abnormal. After uni I got into wrk. Still no dating. My dream of a family came back with a vengeance. I would have to find one of these creatures again…. I was depressed.
-Then came the news. Dad was dying
-I went home. I went straight from the airport to the hospital. And my mother said I was way too fat.
-It was terminal. There would be no chemo, nothing. And he died. To me it still feels like the neighbor across the street died. I have no idea who he was, what he loved (apart from himself), where he came from .
-I now know that as little boy he was very badly abused and neglected. He would scavenge in bins.
-I remember he had glass eyes.
-Enter spath no 3. The most recent one. I met him online. Everything he said was me!
-This one followed me everywhere. He was not working, he had been suspended as a punishment ( I remember thinking ” like a kid? Don’t companies just fire people?”) the suspension lasted two months.he was living in my house. Then he was finally let go.
-He was very sympathetic about what I was going through (trying to overcome the turmoil of my dad’s death.
-The fam was fighting over everything snarling at each other.)
-this time is when I saw the glass eyes in my youngest siblings. They even did the flips on me!,, OMG!! I was reeling again!
-I thought I was lucky to have someone to lean on, (but he was gathering info) He drove me everywhere everyday.
-He said my friends were drug addicts and sluts and gangster.
-He had a bullet wound, he said it was a failed drug bust from his uni days.
-I gave him a chance. I too had been on the that side and changed. -Then drama about his kid. Apparently they broke up coz the mother was a slut.
-He told me that he too had reformed. I would drop him at church, he would drop me ( in my car) at meetings.
-The jobs were not coming, he said he new all these prominent people but not a job in sight.
-Then his son needed money, a medical emergency. I didn’t have money so borrowed it.
– I already had loans so this new one would be hard, but he promised to pay back as soon as he got the job.
-Meanwhile there was a story about his adoption by a horrible family. I really felt for him. It was tragic! I knew about having a mad family, and to be adopted! It crushed my heart.
-He told me how his parents turned their kids against him and they all made him a slave. I was so horrified, I never questioned it I believed him.
-And then out of nowhere he would become cold and sulky. He try it on during a fight.
-I had seen these blogs and I was seeing it in him. Then he would switch on the charm and I would forget and become hopeful again.
-Then one day he came home from his parents and announced that he was taking “the car” not my car off somewhere for a week! My answer was no and we had a massive shouting match and he crumled down in a heap crying.
-8I told him that we need to call it quits. He got up started towards me with glass eyes! I was shocked! I told him that I didn’t mean it. I remember from the blogs that breaking up made them dangerous. So told him I didn’t mean it.
-I waited for a few days. I was so scared of him. Then on his father’s birthday I was very ill but he was going anyway. I asked for my car keys. I told him that I needed it incase I felt worse and he handed the over. I also asked for my house keys, surprisingly he gave those too!
-He walked out looking like a sullen boy and I never saw him again. -He still writes dreamy emails. But he blocked everywhere else.
-A so called friend of mine called to say that she was in touch with him, that he got a great job. They even talked about our bedroom business, he told her that I was a slut and how I hurt him. He said I used him as a slave because he was jobless and penniless. I her blocked too.
-Recently I am being pursued by an 70yr old racist rabid one. But I am done.
-My two neighbors too are spaths, like my parents. I regret befriending them and now we are nc.
-I am nc with very many people that I thought were my friends. I don’t think I have it in me to get into anymore crazy relationships, so I am not dating.
-I just need to get my business back on track, pay off the loan and maybe go for a sperm donor, or adopt. I don’t have that family dream with a man in it any more. I hope it not too long.
Good morning/ evening/ afternoon everyone,
I have been around spaths all my life. I now know that my parents too are spaths, that’s why I don’t relate to them, my siblings too. Our home was like a psych ward. Growing up I never understood anything that was going on or why, I was bewildered. I had a younger bro. He was such a compassionate guy. He couldn’t handle it and took his life at 17. I will never forget that day when my only family ( for real) was found hanging in the garden. I went to pieces when I saw him. I was shaking so bad and my legs gave up. I couldn’t talk I remember my mom when I tried to tell her what I had seen. She had glass eyes, and even the death of her son didn’t change them. I was grabbing her and she said “don’t touch me” and calmly went to call the cops and my dad. My father dabbed his eyes a little but no one in my family’s world ended like mine did. He had left a note saying he just couldn’t do this anymore. I knew what he talking about.
-Or family was like a shiny apple with worms inside.
-There was violence, broken windows, furniture, damaged doors. -everyone thought we were just fab!
-My folks used to seduce us with kind words then turn. They did it to each other.
-They always told us how brilliant they were as children. As a kid, I never new what was coming through the door. Violence or nice words (they didn’t touch or hug).
– I had finished school and was looking so forward to fly out to uni and get away to a new life.
-I thought I was now set for happiness and lots of hugs….
-Enter first spath! He was older than me and he pursued me like a rabid dog. At that time I thought this must be love.
-It was heaven for the first month. Little gifts and messages and chocolates.
-Then he changed literally over night. I had been with him the night before and he was luvy dovey. and the next afternoon I met him and he was ice.
-What followed was two years of being dumped (onetime on a trip, he just left and he knew I was broke with no money to pay for anything),
-I was called crazy, he used the ” n” word several times. Until I felt like was back in the nightmare of my family.
– I took off. Changed school and just vanished. That was 20 years ago and this nut still shows up unexpectedly on social and dating -Then spath no. 2 showed up.
-He listen to my desires to have a family of my own and promised to fulfill that dream.
-Then he became controlling.he bought me a phone that I had to use to remind him of my love for him.
-He said that he wouldn’t start while I was I school. He started to insist that I was a liar. That I was not genuine. That I had conned into believing that I wanted to settle down with him while I was just screwing all the lectureres ( using my history of dating ONE lecturer against me).
-Them he left, vanished into thin air. I went to his place and there was a “for rent” sign.
-He had said he owned that house, and very many properties in Knightsbridge!!
-My father wanted me to change location. I had developed a very close romance with alcohol by this time. I was alway drunk and the news was trickling back home.
-So I moved. I never saw or heard from that psych again. There was not much internet at that time.
-next few years , I didn’t date: I had my bottle.
-Any efforts at recovery failed. So I drank. I gave up on uni, went back home and just drank. Being drunk I couldn’t participate in family madness; great! I could pretend that they were all dead!
-Then I was sent to rehab for the 3rd time and this time I finally quit. -I was sent out again to uni.
-I didn’t date, I decided all men are like that. It was me who was abnormal. After uni I got into wrk. Still no dating. My dream of a family came back with a vengeance. I would have to find one of these creatures again…. I was depressed.
-Then came the news. Dad was dying
-I went home. I went straight from the airport to the hospital. And my mother said I was way too fat.
-It was terminal. There would be no chemo, nothing. And he died. To me it still feels like the neighbor across the street died. I have no idea who he was, what he loved (apart from himself), where he came from .
-I now know that as little boy he was very badly abused and neglected. He would scavenge in bins.
-I remember he had glass eyes.
-Enter spath no 3. The most recent one. I met him online. Everything he said was me!
-This one followed me everywhere. He was not working, he had been suspended as a punishment ( I remember thinking ” like a kid? Don’t companies just fire people?”) the suspension lasted two months.he was living in my house. Then he was finally let go.
-He was very sympathetic about what I was going through (trying to overcome the turmoil of my dad’s death.
-The fam was fighting over everything snarling at each other.)
-this time is when I saw the glass eyes in my youngest siblings. They even did the flips on me!,, OMG!! I was reeling again!
-I thought I was lucky to have someone to lean on, (but he was gathering info) He drove me everywhere everyday.
-He said my friends were drug addicts and sluts and gangster.
-He had a bullet wound, he said it was a failed drug bust from his uni days.
-I gave him a chance. I too had been on the that side and changed. -Then drama about his kid. Apparently they broke up coz the mother was a slut.
-He told me that he too had reformed. I would drop him at church, he would drop me ( in my car) at meetings.
-The jobs were not coming, he said he new all these prominent people but not a job in sight.
-Then his son needed money, a medical emergency. I didn’t have money so borrowed it.
– I already had loans so this new one would be hard, but he promised to pay back as soon as he got the job.
-Meanwhile there was a story about his adoption by a horrible family. I really felt for him. It was tragic! I knew about having a mad family, and to be adopted! It crushed my heart.
-He told me how his parents turned their kids against him and they all made him a slave. I was so horrified, I never questioned it I believed him.
-And then out of nowhere he would become cold and sulky. He try it on during a fight.
-I had seen these blogs and I was seeing it in him. Then he would switch on the charm and I would forget and become hopeful again.
-Then one day he came home from his parents and announced that he was taking “the car” not my car off somewhere for a week! My answer was no and we had a massive shouting match and he crumled down in a heap crying.
-8I told him that we need to call it quits. He got up started towards me with glass eyes! I was shocked! I told him that I didn’t mean it. I remember from the blogs that breaking up made them dangerous. So told him I didn’t mean it.
-I waited for a few days. I was so scared of him. Then on his father’s birthday I was very ill but he was going anyway. I asked for my car keys. I told him that I needed it incase I felt worse and he handed the over. I also asked for my house keys, surprisingly he gave those too!
-He walked out looking like a sullen boy and I never saw him again. -He still writes dreamy emails. But he blocked everywhere else.
-A so called friend of mine called to say that she was in touch with him, that he got a great job. They even talked about our bedroom business, he told her that I was a slut and how I hurt him. He said I used him as a slave because he was jobless and penniless. I her blocked too.
-Recently I am being pursued by an 70yr old racist rabid one. But I am done.
-My two neighbors too are spaths, like my parents. I regret befriending them and now we are nc.
-I am nc with very many people that I thought were my friends. I don’t think I have it in me to get into anymore crazy relationships, so I am not dating.
-I just need to get my business back on track, pay off the loan and maybe go for a sperm donor, or adopt. I don’t have that family dream with a man in it any more. I hope it’s not too long.
Dropping in to share a heartbreaking and confusion story of a mental abuse victim online, this story is awful and yes “crazy” happens to a lot of people, I felt this woman’s pain as if I would need to see a therapist imagining walking in her shoes reading her story.. I can imagine her feelings and psychological torment – here it is: http://number4.hubpages.com/hub/Gay–or-Mentally-ill–Homosexual-or-Psychopath
Correction * Confusing story..
Pheonix and pos Thank you for your replies, I would never put him down infront of my child, he has started in front of our child a few times, and I worry about the effect that will have on him, so keeping everything calm around him and trying to create some good memories for him. He broke up with me a month ago, there was no reason, we had just come back from holiday, got a few nice texts after saying nice things, which I replied to, telling him im not putting up with his irrational, bullying behaviour, then he got nasty, let him see our child, but he swore and shouted at me in front of him, so told him to seek legal advice as im not being spoken to like that and especially in front of child.next couple of weeks I have tried no contact, been very low, text him and he rejected me, told me he has moved on and got a life. He dont want to be with me, just wants to see child when he wants, he is an ex substance abuser too, probably using again now as im not about to keep him on the right path. Had enough of all the backwards and forwards so text two days ago saying seek legal advice dont turn up at my house, he dont want to see you and thats that. I received 2 messages from him which said”sorry you want that u r my soulmate love you bothwill do as you ask I want you happy againx” I ignored then another saying”i wont give up promise and I hope you can be straight with me soon I live ny son and you and I hope one day you will c that but for now I will do what you want bye” I am on day 2 of no contact and want to text just for a reaction, but wont, how can I be addicted to such a nasty person, what has happened to me as a person, why do I miss him, how can he justcwalk away from his child, who I no he loves and leave me to pick up pieces. Have not heard from him since then, am wondering if he will just leave us alone now, which I no will be easier in the long run. Confused.
@Future, it’s not easy, but it’s better. Please, look for legal advice for you. When you are dealing with a “Pinochio” and have children with him it’s better to make everything formal and clear, so he can’t keep control of you via your child
Remain strong and keep no contact
No more insanity, thank you for reply, I have told him to seek legal advice to see child, I need to no my child is safe and bounderies are needed or he will think he can turn when he pleases and take him, and if I say no he will start on me. Finding this so hard emotionally, he has broken up with me several times before, but this time I no I cant go back, I dobt even no if he wants me back this time, as his messages change weekly, nasty then nice. I no I cant have any type of contact with him at the moment, or I will be back to square one and I need to be strong for my kids. I feel lost without him, I hurt inside, the only thing keeping me going and getting out of bed in morning is my kids. I used to be such a strong person, now I feel like a shell.
@Future, maybe you don’t see it right now, but now you are stronger than ever. Taking the decision to break the cycle, to stop all this insanity requires of a great strenght, the road is not easy, but it goes to a better place, a place far away of the lies, of the deception, of the abuse that the sociopaths brought to our life. We can’t love them without losing our soul, and no one deserves to lose themselves in the name of “love”. Take care of yourself, discipline yourself to keep the no contact, and start to rejoice on all the details that make the life better without him (everyday my first thought goes to him, but I don’t allow my mind to make tricks with it, I turn the thought from “I miss him” to a “Big thanks to God for allowing me the opportunity to start a day without fear, without a new tear, without my enemy at the other side of my bed, “) Happy sunday for you and your child
What I want feedback on is a bit different. btw, the site is awesome, I finally feel free from the choas but my situation is a bit different as I only let him leach off me for 2 months. But that happened because when my daughter was15 months I emailed him that I was going to terminate his paternal rights and 3 days later he flew from his mothers house to suddenly come see his daughter. My issue is not him as when he bolted at 330 am on a Wednesday night I didn’t call him back when he called. But my daughter has a grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousin I feel she deserves to know. Where doi go with that?
Is there anyway that you can have a relationship with them, without him? Contact them direct? I agree that if the family are not the same as him, it is in the interests of your daughter to know both sides of her family. It can be done. They might be aware of his behaviour and how he is. What is your relationship like with his extended family?
I finally managed to bawl my eyes out today, and this website was exactly what I needed.
I am dating a high-functioning sociopath and it is almost like the person I love is there one day, and a totally different person the next. He takes on to different personas, tailored his likes and dislikes accordingly to every girl he dates, and is quick to play the victim and pretend to be vulnerable to wriggle his way out when confronted.
When his lies were busted yesterday, he could only come back with, “It is none of your business. If you can’t find peace within yourself, you can’t expect to find peace within me. The other girls I date have no problems with that.”
The difference is, everyone else thought they are the only one in his life, I am the only one who figured out the queue of more than 10 highly intelligent, impossibly attractive women who fleet in and out of his life, according to his schedule. I started to wonder why he is with me, because I am nowhere as intelligent, as attractive, as rich (in fact, I am broke), or as understanding as anyone of them. But maybe because I am damaged, and he wants to see how much more he can break a person like me.
It is almost unimaginable that I am the only person who came close to figuring who he is, cos everyone else got fooled.
He doesn’t want anyone of us to move on. There are some that he drops pretty quickly, but there are some of us who have been in it for years. One has been in it for more than a decade and never suspected the shenanigans he got up to behind the lies. Another has been around for years, and I am already finding a part of me dead for good after 16 months.
Of course, there are the other games he picked up along the way. The strange thing is, those he professed to feel for less, the more enthusiasm he puts in to charm them, those he claimed to mean so much more to him, he takes them for granted, perhaps confidently thinking they will still be around afterall.
I believe nobody would believe my side of story because he always have a cover for everything he did.
Hi Marla, welcome to the site 🙂
I finally managed to bawl my eyes out today, and this website was exactly what I needed.
I am dating a high-functioning sociopath and it is almost like the person I love is there one day, and a totally different person the next. He takes on to different personas, tailored his likes and dislikes accordingly to every girl he dates, and is quick to play the victim and pretend to be vulnerable to wriggle his way out when confronted.
When his lies were busted yesterday, he could only come back with, “It is none of your business. If you can’t find peace within yourself, you can’t expect to find peace within me. The other girls I date have no problems with that.”
The difference is, everyone else thought they are the only one in his life, I am the only one who figured out the queue of more than 10 highly intelligent, impossibly attractive women who fleet in and out of his life, according to his schedule. I started to wonder why he is with me, because I am nowhere as intelligent, as attractive, as rich (in fact, I am broke), or as understanding as anyone of them. But maybe because I am damaged, and he wants to see how much more he can break a person like me.
It is almost unimaginable that I am the only person who came close to figuring who he is, cos everyone else got fooled.
He doesn’t want anyone of us to move on. There are some that he drops pretty quickly, but there are some of us who have been in it for years. One has been in it for more than a decade and never suspected the shenanigans he got up to behind the lies. Another has been around for years, and I am already finding a part of me dead for good after 16 months.
Of course, there are the other games he picked up along the way. The strange thing is, those he professed to feel for less, the more enthusiasm he puts in to charm them, those he claimed to mean so much more to him, he takes them for granted, perhaps confidently thinking they will still be around afterall.
I believe nobody would believe my side of story because he always have a cover for everything he did.
There were times it seems like he is capable of remorse, before he slips back to being totally incapable of having any bit of basic human decency.
I feel absolutely heart-broken. I questioned my sanity most of the time and wondered if I am just being totally not understanding and am a paranoid, crazy bitch like he accused me to be.
Yet, I didn’t run. The period of long no contact will always set us back into this vicious cycle.
Is there even any way to love a sociopath knowing what you are getting yourself into?
31/2 years ago I married a man I met at a retreat. When I married him I had only known him a short time. He swept me off my feet…I am now aware that he is a sociopath too. My story begins with him, but it is not about him, only indirectly. The first time I met his best friend, I told my husband that I did not want him in our lives. I knew there was an evilness in his eyes…and it scared me. A year goes by and my husband went to jail for things I had no idea he was doing. I worked too much and trusted him…so why would I go looking for things…even though, I had a feeling something wasn’t right. At the time, I had a very successful career and was going through IVF to try and have a baby. My husband was “looking” for a job. When he was arrested, I was devastated, scared, and had never experienced anything like this in my life. He ran from the law for a month, and brought back the best friend to help him. When he was finally caught, he asked this friend (my SP) to watch over me while he was in jail. I was too emotionally caught up, too scared, and too helpless at the time to fight it, and I needed help. I unknowingly had become very dependent on my husband, and was not functioning well knowing the love of my life was sitting in a jail cell. I have since realized that jail was the only place that my husband felt important, and that I do not believe, despite is fake letters and tears, that he suffered at all there.
Within three days, the best friend…SP… had moved in with me. I was too afraid to leave my place very often after learning about the people my husband was involved with. SP did everything for me, and encouraged me to get my confidence back. The entire time telling me how my husband so was very lucky to have had me and told me all the lies, cheating, stealing, etc. that my husband had done while I was working 15 hours a day. I felt stronger, but I now realize that strength came from the SP and he controlled what I felt confident about and what I was so very insecure about. Without knowing it, I developed more fears than I ever had before and relied on him and sought his approval for just about everything that I did. This man does not meet some or most of the qualities described in this site, he meets and exceeds all of them…he has perfected most everything I have read so far on these pages. He is also violent, but his violence is never his fault…there is an excuse for everything he does. I questioned myself so much, that I can’t say I really believed the things he said, but I couldn’t make sense of his actions otherwise…
For the last 18 months I have lived my life by fear… what i do or don’t do is mostly based on first thinking about what the worst possible outcome may be, and then trying to mitigate that. It has been far easier to go with what this man wants, then to stand up for myself. My suffering and consequences are fewer when I just go with what he wants and put up with his actions. When I don’t, very bad things start happening. When I do, bad things still happen, they just aren’t as bad as they can get. Ive learned to be thankful for the days when nothing happens.
I had moved to my husbands town and did not have any friends at the time he went to jail. SP met all my needs and I stayed home when he had to go do things, so I never met anyone that was more than just a very casual friend. Nobody where I live really got to know me or who I am…I have since learned that SP has told a number of things to people (he knows everyone), and painted a picture of me as a very controlling, needy, self centered bitch. The majority of the people he associates with are people I don’t need to have in my life and I don’t really care what people think of me… I don’t have any family except my mother who does not live by me, I am an only child, and am fine on my own…so what others think of me does not bother me… I know who I am, or a least I use to think I did. But it has made it difficult to deal with this man, after he has painted such an unpleasant picture of me.
He has stolen most everything I have in value. I haven’t allowed myself to really add it all up, but I would say at least $100,000…I can live with that, but he took away so much of my soul…that part is so very hard to deal with and accept. I figured out a long time ago that he was drugging me to get me to sleep soundly. I would wake up and nothing was where I thought it was … not to mention I wouldn’t wake up from these sleeps remembering the last things I did before I went to sleep. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the afternoon not knowing if I went to sleep the night before or an hour before. But when I woke up from these things, I could never find anything…SP was gone… and I would cry and panic. He would come back and tell me that he told me he was going to go do errands, and that I said OK… I would cry and think I was crazy…he would console me and tell me I was an angel. What I know now, is that he rearranged everything when I was sleeping. Shoes that were in the closet, where now under my bed. The watch I couldn’t find and searched for hours for, would show up a week later just where I thought I had put it. I was convinced I had had a breakdown of some kind. For a long time, I believed that my SP saw the pain I went through with my husband, and hated what he did to me. I never thought in a million years that someone could watch what my husband did, and use that to his advantage…. I never thought that was possible. NEVER… I thought he wanted to save me from that experience. My heart told me to be afraid of him after a while… although I tried to make that transparent to him, he knew I was scared. When things and money went missing, he convinced me that either I was crazy (sometimes these things would show up after the fact), or that my husband had sent someone to steal from me. By that point, I relied on him to validate almost anything I did or even thought about. I told him all of my feelings…
After about 6 months, around the time a normal person would start really questioning things that didn’t seem right or add up, the name calling and rage started. I learned by experience, that any time I challenged something, that bad things would happen to me. I didn’t put it together for a while….but when I correlated the events in my life,to his behaviors, I started realizing that he was causing these things to happen. MIss independent me, thought I could manage this since I was now becoming aware.. What I didn’t know, is “what I didn’t know” , if that makes any sense at all. I very much underestimated what he was capable of. I still don’t grasp, and probably never will, that people like this exist. I can not understand that someone can be a human and not have any feelings…I still think at this moment that it is impossible to be a person and not feel empathy and guilt. I don’t understand it. I have now read about it, but i still can’t believe its possible.
Then the name calling started. I was once the most beautiful, kind, and intelligent person he ever met. Overnight I became the fat, ugly bitch… not to mention a whore and very stupid. He likes to tell me he knows why my husband did what he did to me… because I was useless otherwise.
Just to sum it up without going on forever…. there are too many things that have happened to write about here. He has taken almost everything I have of value, he has destroyed my name, he killed my dog, he destroyed two cars and I am now on my third apartment in three months. He threatens me when im not behaving…for a year and a half I sleep with all my lights on (unless he is here)… its the only time I feel safe… I have lost a lot…when my money was gone and most of my things of value were gone, he had another goal in mind for me. He would say when he was angry that nobody was as nice and kind as i was..that I was a faker… and that I would see whats its like to have nothing and to compromise myself to get what i want. That is, I do believe, his ultimate goal.
Yes, I have been to the police. Yes, he knows all of them. Yes, they think im crazy and just hurt because he doesn’t want to be with me. Dont they stop and think that this man has not had a job in eight years… that he only lives with women that have their own place and keep to themsleves.. No, they dont…hes everyones buddy… fun to be around, and always understanding,always helpful.
He left again about a week ago… I always try and not respond to his calls and txts. A few days ago I did txt back telling him I see right though is lies and im not afraid (at this time i said that I thought I wasn’t afraid). He text back one thing… he said “let the game begin”. I knew that he meant that…. he was honest when he said that. The next day, the one casual friend I do have here…this person I met through the SP… came by to check on me. The SP was watching…came out of nowhere ….like he always does… and pulled a knife on my friend in the middle of the day in front of my door at my apartment. He knows me too well, and he knows that I won’t do anything about it… there are always too many consequences.
…
I know that nobody can fix this for me, its up to me. Its just so hard… and im so confused by all the lies and not knowing what is real and what isn’t sometimes ( I do have moments of clarity…but it stops at that… im get confused on what to do about them). This really sick thing about me is, I only feel safe when hes around. Am I crazy? I use to think that I could tell the difference between lies and the truth…but I don’t know anymore and always question my thoughts. Thank you for listening to me.
My first advice is document. Document everything, dates, times and what happened. If it sounds stupid, stil write it down. Keep it somewhere like on Dropbox or icloud. Somewhere safe and secret. Keep multiple copies.
You are stronger than you think. Reach out to ANYBOY that you know. You must get out. I know you said you can’t because of your situation but sit down, clear your head and make a plan.
Also vent on here. We can all give you different opinions, which is what makes this place so wonderful.
I don’t know the details of your story, or who are “they” , but as I read what you wrote I know you know the answers. This is a “control” thing and the only way to gain it is taking control of yourself again. I dont know what kind of help you asked for, but remember out there are a lot of organizations to help you regain control of your life, dont bother about exposing them, and make your efforts to regain yourself. You already made the first step, acknowledging that what you are living is not normal. Make the next steps!
My last message was on response of what D posted
DON’T do it. He wants to play games again, even if you are over him, he can still play games with you. Get a pet sitter or someone else you are close too. If you ask him to look after your pet, he will probably expect something in return.
Hi Ex Def 🙂
Great advice & Ditto that 😉
I hope your doing really well & continuing to blossom like the beautiful flower your are 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@GIGI 🙂
NOOOOOOOOOO CONTACT!
Do not have any more to do with him & don’t fool yourself, if you are creating a scenario to have contact then, you are not over him 😦
Get the dog boarded or ask someone else.
If you open that door, you know what will Happen 😦
Be happy & keep moving on & block his texts as well.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@Gigi, you know the answer to your question. Yes, it is a a bad idea. No contact, please. The will use any opportunity to regain control on you again.
@Gigi, don’t forget that we are as an alcoholic or an addict, our alcohol, our drug is them and tbe best place we can be is far far away from them
I have a question…
I am not usually about money. However, since the spath used and abused me and took a bit of money, I have become bitter towards him about it. Not to him but in my head I get angry and annoyed. I just can’t comprehend how someone can take so much money from a person without ever attempting to pay it back but promising thr world.
I know I will never see the money again. How do you let it go?
Gosh how I could do with that money right now.
Hi Ex def an S,
They never do “see” what something costs someone else. If they did, they wouldn’t be what they are.
I hate to say this but, it is likely not about the money. You are smart and capable and can figure money out. The reason I know it’s not about money is because I mildy strong-armed my soc until he evened things out, from a financial perspective…but I’m still not satisfied. I was for awhile, and you might be too, but I guarantee you, it won’t be enough. Whatever he does, it will not be enough to repay what he has taken from you so callously.
Sometimes, I tell myself I want an apology. I’ve told him this too. But his rote apologetic offering just doesn’t get it done for me. Know what I mean? So, today, while I was considering organizing a hitman club to eliminate all our soc’s, alleviate my anger, and calling it “therapy”, I realized what I really wanted to do (and was sometimes actually doing), was calling back up to him his “sins” and “failures” through his lies and deceit.
Yes, he did these things… to me, and without question has done them and continues to do them to others. But my “mission” doesn’t do anyone any good. Not me, and not him, unfortunately. His are deaf ears for a reason… the same one I pointed out at the top of my reply here… he doesn’t “see” what something costs someone else. If he did, he wouldn’t be what he is.
And that, my dear, there is nothing we can do to change from where we stand. I hate it. I hate it for all of us. I hate that there has to be a support group and that I feel like a firing line would be more fair. I am confused that having met him has helped me because God used him somehow, even though his own intentions were ill. I hate that that is the case. But, it is. Money, anger, finger pointing, revenge… nothing will change any of this.
The answers aren’t easy, and the reason they aren’t is because they are internal self-work that takes a long time for us to unravel individually. We already know the upside is that we don’t do it alone. I don’t, and you don’t either. Wishing you a better rest of your day.
I know it is the worst feeling in the world when someone has stolen. I had theft of money and material possessions. How did I get over that? I think by focusing on how lucky I was to find out when j did. By realising I could have lost more. I visualized him with pound signs over his head. The longer I would have stayed the more I would have lost. This helped me. Then visualise how your wealth can now grow. He won’t block you or take from you again this is good. You cannot change what has happened. But you can change you and your view of what has happened x
Yup , join the club . I have no idea how you deal with it .
They should all be put in prison for a very very long time
:-(((
Nick
Btw, I was earning A LOT more than him. To him, he only saw the amount on my pay cheque but never wanted to listen or know about the expenses I had. He thought I was well off because of it. He didn’t see my financial struggles when I gave him money or what I sacrificed to help him out.
Mine always knew when I would be paid. Date I would be paid. Kept close tabs on me.
Please everyone I need your support…..after months of no contact and starting to get my life back on track the soc is sending me little text messages of whats going on in his life and asking me about mine, please help as i feel like I am sinking back into depression and nostalgia of what was……..I have not responded and remain no contact, but the depression over this romantic over the top soc is returning. Why, why after so much time and silence do they do they still feel they have the right to intrude on your life again? Is there no end to this madness?
Hi sweet, they do this because ‘they can’. Likely his new source of supply has run dry so he just has contact with you, to see how you are doing.
Also remember that he doesn’t have conscience like you so he doesn’t think anything of it. He can only think about himself and his own needs… so why not?
I know that this sounds hard, but it is the way that it is. If you don’t respond he will move on, as they cant be on their own, they have to have SOMEONE to lean on. He is just testing the water.
Beware it is a slippery slope back down. Remember that they are very manipulative. He was the master of illusion when you were with him – he is also the master of illusion after he leaves. It is never a ‘normal’ conversation… usually he has an agenda.
Try this post it might help https://datingasociopath.com/2013/07/24/the-boomerang-effect-of-the-sociopath/
@sweet freedom, as your name said the sweet freedom will remain if you are true to yourself and remain no contact. Change your number, block his number, close
…upps sorry, I hit send before finishing the sentence…
Close any gap that allow him to try to get back to your life.
Thank you Positiva, that was just what I needed to remain strong. What a lifesaver your website has been.
This is really good stuff, i appreciate all the comments on this site. I was in a relationship for 5 and 1/2 years with a female soc. i have been through lots of bs with her and have a daughter with the soc. I didn’t really get the abuse like most here but i’ve got my fair share along with the lying and using me for money, because i couldn’t stand to live with her too long. We lived together on three separate occasions in three lasting maybe a total of three months. She
I was with my ex-soc girlfriend for 5 and 1/2 years, and these stories are right up my alley, the lies,cheating,using,gaslighting,and manipulatie stories i’ve read WOW. Its hard when you have a child with this type of person. I want to write more once i figure it out I will to all on this site you all deserve better and i truly believe we have attracted these kind of people not because we want to abused but needing to love oursleves more and being able to not stand for
their or anyone else bs. I have broken up with her in the last 5 years too many to count because of her drama it appeared only when i lived with her about a year ago i really experienced her true nature a liar and cheater. We moved into an apt about a month into moving in she wanted to be single (she got bored and moved another guy in the same day with our child and she has 3 other children. Apparently her parents knew the guy and was ok with it cuz hurt and lost i asked her mom about hte n
the new guy and mom said he’s an ok guy dumbfonded and hurt by this betrayal also astonished that her mother was ok with her bringing a new guy around the kids i couldn’t believe this, but i took it day to day got stronger till about 6 months ago i text her to let her know i was dropping my daughter off and she was pretending to be sweet, i fell for the bs again fake apologies. So we worked things out at least i thought but did some research on soc’s during the six months we were apart.
moved into a different apt with her this past oct. everything was great until she got bored i notice when she got bored she its like looking at david banner change to the incredible hulk then look out. She started a fight i always threatened to leave but then she would try and make me feel guity for leaving, but i left and she immediately invited someone in our home cuz i went there cuz i figured some other guy would be there and she wouldnt let me in saying she didnt want me and her to fight
and i could come back home after two weeks near payday she meant once I got paid and she went sleeping with her next victim. Botttom line its may seem addictive and your hurt just remember everyone deserves to love and not be treated like garbage and used. LOVE YOU EXERCISING, EATING RIGHT, AND NO CONTACT IF POSSIBLE!!! My ex-soc girlfriend uses any and all tricks to get me back in that bs, and i’ve fallen into the trap kinda i thought i could get what i wanted from her some
honest answers lmao and possibly reconcille because maybe I was wrong about her, but i was wrong. I saw her three weeks ago after a day of being bored and having a few drinks (not a good idea at all until you’re strong and have a good routine daily) I asked her to take me out she insisted on taking me to a hotel and buying drinks we had a blast for about two weeks straight she told me how she wanted to be my wife and loved me so much and mirroed my values then the devalue stage
but i had done some much reading on soc’s i recognized it before she had a chance to start with the bs and told her it was best she and i took a break for a while she went into an anxiety mode that almost drove her to move with her mom (lmao). I have talked to her in texts a couple by the phone since big mistake it costs always with soc’s with no return plus youre going to get more of the same treatment the to deal with them is no contact they are MASTERS and you will hurt YOU.
DR. PHIL LIFECODE ABOUT BAITERS GREAT READ!!!
Can anyone make me understand how a person can be a Sociopath yet be observed doting on their child/children almost over the top at times. Do they really love them? Also do Sociopath’s groom children of their next source of supply?
@ looking for the light .
Hi , don t know if this is strictly accurate but here goes …..
The over the top doting is an “act ” almost like a scene from Gone With The Wind or from Here to Eternity or Casablanca or ……. you get my point , some huge Hollywood epic .
Someone suggested that as they don t know what to do for real , then by watching others & films etc . its the only way the can fake it .
If you observe closely ( and I m guessing you have ) something is not quite right , its a bit ” too much ” if you like .
Your next question ” do they love them ? ”
In my opinion , no . Certainly not as you understand love . They are ” props ” … Very handy to present a ” nice little family ” etc , to get people to drop their guard , they might even enjoy their company and have fun with them , but lay down their life unquestioningly for their child ……….?
In my opinion , not a cats chance in hell.
Finally , ” do they groom children of the next supply ? ”
Again , my opinion , but Yes , yes and yes . Absolutely , they would groom the family python if they could …..
Anybody elses opinion most welcome !!!!!!!!! These answers are just my own observations .
Regards
Nick
Hi Nick,
I agree with what you have said & have seen it firsthand unfortunately.
My Soc has a fascination for James Bond & seems to ply his lines of smoothness & charm.
I recognized some of the ‘lines’ from movies etc…
Do they love? No, not even themselves. They have to use people constantly for their own gratification & pleasure & will do this continually as they are never satisfied or truly happy in themselves.
They love your usability, possessions,status,niceness as they want what you are or have. They remind me of 2 year old’s when they have the same things etc…they still want what the other one has so, in other words, they take everything & leave you with nothing.
This can be emotionally/physically or spiritually or all 3 😦
It’s a selfishness that the majority of us grow out of but, they value themselves & gauge their self worth in material possessions & physical possessions etc…they work purely from ‘Ego’ & negativity & feed off of vulnerability & truth in empath’s. To them it’s a weakness but, it is not.
Vulnerability is what separates us from being like them, we feel for real 🙂
Do they groom their children?
In my case yes & I call his adult son his ‘wing-man’ & he lies & hates women as he denigrated his ex-girlfriends too me.
He also collects ‘Predator’, figurines with a passion whilst my Soc (his father has a ‘Royal Doulton’ Lady Figurine collection that he covets!
His son is employed by him & ‘paid off’ for his allegiance & his daughter is also on the ‘payroll’ 😦
He pays her credit card debt (or used to).
The key to finding peace is to distance yourself from them & No Contact as they are lethal with toxicity & who wants to hang around a nuclear reactor! Not Me 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi PR
How perfectly said. 100% spot on.
Peace xx
P.s. hope you had a lovy girls weekend 😄
@Looking for the light
Yes they can be very “good and loving” parents. But, there is a reason for their selfish interests behind that “care”. My ex spath was a dedicated father to his autistic son. But later, I realized that his son was a source supply to him for his following interests:
– he has excuse not to work (“he has to be 24 hour dad”)
– it gives him camouflage of a “good father” and many women think he must be a “good man” too, so that is a great hook for the women
– he has access to a whole pool of young female teachers and therapists for disabled children and he used that to pursue each of his son’s female teachers, playing on the card of good, dedicated father
– as he has excuse not to work he can freely spend hours and hours each morning when he sends his son to school, watching internet porn. He spends 5 to 6 hours daily watching internet porn ( usually from 7 am to 10 am – when he sends his son to school) and from 11 pm to 1 am – when he sends his son to sleep)
– he has epilepsy but controlled so he COULD work but his father is a retired M.D and he uses his influence to get approval that he is disabled so he gets all the social security help etc.
– so he is using everything he can including his son, his father’s M.D. connections as a source supplies for his addict needs: pornography, being a lazy shit (he doesn’t want to work), playing games with women (luring them in with a “good man” facade,then when they get hooked he drops them, enjoys in hurting them) …. what a life.
@Looking for the light, they “love”their child conditionally. If they do what he said, if they don’t disobey, if they don’t contradict him, if they don’t have bad grades, if they are a source for their pride and vanity. Mine had a reign of terror with them…as his bigger son said to me “I love when he is with you because we can be free, but I am sad at the same time because I know that to us have it you have to be his prisoner”
I hadn’t told my story before now because, it’s seemed like I’ve only had disparate details that didn’t come to some conclusion I could understand. Without the sociopath to provide closure or honest feedback, it is a search for each of us to discover the why around what has happened with/to us through our experience. This is my story.
I met the sociopath online because I was moving to a new city and didn’t have my son with me, or even a real home yet. I was living out of an extended stay hotel, putting things into temporary storage from my previous apartment in a different city, while I waited to sort out my new living arrangement. I did have a job lined up, and that’s what brought me to the new city.
I could claim vulnerability, loneliness, anxiety, fear and maybe a few other victim’s descriptors that would actually be the truth. But the bottom-line truth is nobody made me remain in contact with this guy after I met him. I did learn the sex/physical contact was good (before he used it as a manipulative tool that he withheld to control) and, by my own will, either consciously or unconsciously (I don’t remember and obviously would’ve found it easier not to openly admit this to myself) decided this was acceptable to me—without being in monogamous relationship with the guy; without knowing his true story; without knowing enough at all to make such a decision.
I also decided, similarly without the benefit of the truth, to believe the lies he told me. Yes, I’d never met anyone like him who purposefully lied, but I consciously or unconsciously took a long time to seriously check him out… once it mattered to me.
What happened after all this is really inconsequential. We all arrive to a dismantled state with these individuals through varied, but similar, paths. What really matters is what I’ve learned in retrospect that, again, is my story.
I’ve encountered anger I could let go of, followed by rage I couldn’t. I wanted to do some ruining myself, and thought through the ways and means, to the point of calling out to God to conduct His revenge on my behalf (a promise the Bible actually offers us, not to be considered lightly). What I now realize is there are three fundamental things we will either learn about through this experience, or spend our lives kicking against and avoiding. They are:
-Grace: Getting what is undeserved
-Mercy: Not getting what is deserved
-Peace (that passes all understanding): The highest degree of peace, the attainment thereof must come at the cost of tribulation of a like degree
In my case, the grace has been for me. I know God forgives my willfulness and stupidity, but if I continue in a similar path, it is to my own peril. I know my sociopath’s ex-wife does not have this as she has known him 19 years and claims to have moved on while still checking his phone to see what he was doing with me; claimed to not care, but posted my picture on her Facebook in anger; and continues to have sex with the man in her own willfulness, knowing what he is and that such a decision is the wrong thing with a man she has acknowledged there can’t be anything honest or non-destructive with (and, she proves this by being in the same game for 19 years, regardless of what she says).
The mercy is where my forgiveness comes in. Hard enough to forgive someone who asks and feels regret, but to forgive someone who doesn’t care and who would continue to wound you? It’s natural to want justice. And when they appear to be off doing it to others “scott-free”? It’s easy to want to put a stop to it and also have them feel what they are doing to others. In this case, I’ve learned mercy wouldn’t have been needed if I had rejected him earlier, when I had opportunity. Whatever my reasons for continuing, there was no absence of flags to ignore. God prepared me to go either way, and my will chose. Blame the sociopath if I like, but it would only be a lie unto myself.
The ultimate recovery is to not be the same as we were before, but to arrive at a new, deep vein of peace that passes human understanding. How? Recognizing the two previous things. We can’t move on from where we are without confrontation. We can stay in the cycle, we can feel deep pain, burden, anger, or we can confront ourselves. Again, this is my story, and if it’s not for you or meant to help you, I encourage you to work through your own in truth. No one can do as much to harm us as we can. That I understand without question.
Ah jusagurl, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds as if you have came to a different place, and space … both within you, and seeing your relationship in a way that makes sense to you.
I think all relationships are personal. Personally I don’t believe that there are any mistakes in life, that everything happens for a reason. (I have struggled with this concept at certain times in my life)… What is difficult, challenges us, and forces us to grow stronger, and to find change within us. Or we might choose not to change… and stay the same. At the end of the day the choice is always individual, one thing we do have is free will – and personal choice.
Unfortunately with that free will also comes consequences of choices that we choose to make. But you know at the end of it, for all losses you gain in wisdom, and what price can you put on wisdom?
Thank you for sharing your story – I hadn’t realised you hadn’t before!
Hi Jusa,
I find your story and your truth beautiful and admirable. I also am owning my past and find the road difficult. But, I am also finding great reward within.
Peace xx
Hi Jusa 🙂
Great post & another I’ve come to expect from you.
You really should give yourself more credit as you truly are one of life’s greatest testimonials to living life & learning from it 🙂
The ‘Gift’ we are given is facing our own demons & learning to look within for our why’s & wherefores for allowing these Sociopaths/Narcissists into our lives.
Self love, self worth, looking outside ourselves for validation etc…
Rest assured though, we are targeted for being real & having integrity & honesty & vulnerability & truth & trust.
Without these qualities, we would be like the Soc/Narc so, that is what sets us up & apart from them.
Being used & abused & treated poorly is not our fault & we only ever accepted these abuses after, we were groomed & all our frailties were being assessed so, I do not blame myself for ‘wearing my heart on my sleeve’ or ‘coming to the table with all my cards out’.
We had no idea that these people existed purely to hone in on us & take advantage so, the balance of ‘power’ was never even although initially it was presented like that.
It’s not until much much later that their truth unfolds so, this is their evil, not ours.
Our journey has been painful, enlightening,traumatic,soulful,deep & delving but, most of all it has been evolutionary as we have evolved to higher places of self understanding & self worth. We need to keep working at self awareness & our truth as, we forgot that we had the power all along but, were ready to hand it over in the hope of love 🙂
This is why they say, ‘Love is blind’ & it does make you crazy 😉
Love is wonderful but, obviously it clouds our judgement & blurs the edges, just all ‘fuzzy wuzzy’ passion & lust, which is fantastic 🙂
Stand alone love is ‘being there’ for yourself & others through thick & thin & we know now that not everyone has that same integrity which is their problem, not ours.
Keep growing & learning & loving with all your wholehearted passion 🙂
Don’t let this experience spoil your hopes & dreams but, look for your love inside wholeheartedly & then expect it from the next person & nothing less 🙂
No disappearing, lies, weird ex stories.
If they have cheated before then, they will again.
Self reliance & self resilience will bring you into your own light & power so, love yourself as your greatest treasure is you 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@Jusa, I confronted myself and what I found at last was the power to literally open my hands and my heart and let him out of my life. With that decision came the peace and joy…
I will write my experience in bullet points.
-Moved to a big city to take a new position/job
-I am a woman that always dated men
-Met a woman at work who was around my age and openly gay
-She befriended me and would ask to hang out after work and on the weekends
-Once asked me to brunch for Sunday-Funday. To me I thought we were going to drink throughout brunch and into the afternoon, but she promptly left after the meal. At brunch and she told me about her long distance relationship to another woman. She told me how they met and how happy she was with her.
-I felt she was giving me special attention. She would call me to talk on the phone, send me songs, and invite me to hang out with her friends. (Later on I found out she was befriending other straight women at work and doing the same thing with them.)
-After one night of drinking we kissed and I invited her into my apartment. We slept together that night. The next day at work she acted like nothing had happened. I would smile at her embarrassingly but she would have a deadpan expression. The next day I told that I was feeling confused because I have only been with men and that I needed to talk to someone about being with someone of my own sex. She told me not to tell anyone and that I should talk to her about it.
-When we met to discuss being gay, I was expecting her to share her own first time experience with a woman, but she only responded to my questions in a short, apathetically way. I was confused why she was being so cold. Since this was my first experience with a woman I was graveling with my own identity.
-We continued to see each other for months while she continued to see her long distance gf.
-She told me she loved me.
-She told me that both her parents were physically abusive towards her and her brother growing up. They had bruises and sometimes her mom would wake them up in the middle of the night to study.
-Her libido was nothing I have ever experienced with a man.
-She has a dog and a cat she inherited from a previous relationship. She only lets her dog out twice a day to relieve herself. Even though she has many pictures of her pets posted on media sights I hardly see her show the animals any affection. Sometimes I would go over to her place and the dog would have no water. Being an animal lover and having a dog of my own I told her at a minimum that her dog should be let out 3x a day and should be taken to the park a few times a week.
-I would try and break it off telling her that she had a gf and I had to figure out this “gay thing” and remain only friends. I got the feeling she didn’t like that because she would send invites for happy hours after work to the whole company but me. I called her and told I was hurt by this and she told me she didn’t do it on purpose. Then we would hang out again and sleep together. This pattern repeated itself for months — every time I would tell her we needed to distance for one another she would find a way to exclude me from other people at work. (Keep in mind I didn’t have a lot of friends in my new city bc I just moved and all my time was consumed by her.)
-She would never hangout with my friends.
-She would get upset if I didn’t come out to see her DJ. Which was painful because she was working and could really hangout with me. The hours were long — sometimes until 4am on weekdays. We had 9-5 jobs.
-She lied to me about her salary.
-While she was still seeing her gf she would ask me when was I going to tell my parents about seeing her. I asked her when she was going to break-up with her gf. She didn’t respond to me.
-She would text and talk to her gf on the phone in my presence. She would lie about it.
-After months of going back and forth with her I asked her when was planning another trip to see her gf. She told me that she was going to go in Nov. but changed her mind. I told her that if she went to see her gf again it would be over.
-A mutual friend at work told me that she was in fact going to see her gf in Nov. I confronted her about it. She denied it and that and was going to visit a friend in FL instead. She cried and told me that she was in love with me and never felt this way about anyone. I told her that i wanted to see her travel itinerary because I was having feelings that she was lying to me. While I waited for her to email me the itinerary she was sending me texts telling me I was crazy. When I received the itinerary it was a horribly constructed. It was fake. She keep calling me and calling me. I finally picked up the phone and she again told me I was crazy. I told her it was fake and goodbye.
-She went to see her gf and unfriended me on Facebook. But before she unfriended me she posted a comment when she landed in her gf’s city “Finally exhaling.” She later tried the explain it was because Obama had won the election even though it was days later.
-Fell back into the trap and started seeing her again. She told me that her gf broke up with her. Then she told me it was a mutual breakup.
-We had fights repeatedly. We were off an on for months.
-She would throw temper tantrums when I told her she couldn’t drive my car. (She only learned how to drive a year earlier and didn’t have a car of her own.) Once we were 2 hours from home and she ran out of the car and wouldn’t get back in after I refused to let her drive. She left all her belongs in the car including her dog. She said she would get a cab back to the city. I had to convince her to get back in the car. We rode in silence for the remainder of the trip. This wasn’t the first time she gave me the silent treatment after driving her on trips outside the city.
-She would accuse me of playing mind games with her even though I never cheated on her or lied to her.
-She would read my text messages while I was sleeping. She would snoop on my PC.
-Other people at work, woman and men would tell me either own experiences with her. About how she was hot and cold. They they all thought they had a special friendship with her then one day would unexpectedly become aloof.
-I had a feeling that her and another woman at work with were romantically involved to. She denied it. When I told the other woman at work about us told me that they were involved. I confronted her and she finally confessed that they only kissed once even though the other woman said twice.
-I found out the other woman at work was involved with a man at work too. He told me that not only did the woman kiss they have slept together. She would send this other woman sexual songs even a song that was ours. She lied about it when confronted.
-One night after a night of drinking we got into an argument she began verbally abusing me. She pulled my hair ripping a good chunk from my scalp. The next day she came over never once did she apologize for pulling my hair. She told me it wasn’t her fault. We continued to see each other.
-One night we were together everything was fine. We started to have sex and I faked my organism. She became very upset, jumped out of bed, put her clothes on threatened to leave. But she didn’t. She started verbally abusing me telling me I was broken and ugly. She took my cell phone and wouldn’t give it back. I told her that I would hit her if she didn’t give me my phone. (I have never hit anyone in my life and I have never been involved in an abusive relationship.) I hit her and she still refused to give me my cell phone and leave. She pinned me down and put a lit cigarette butt 2 inches from my eye. She told me that she was going to “bash in my face.” I finally shut down and pretended to go to sleep. She held me and told me she was sorry and that she loved me. She spooned me and I soon fell asleep. I woke up to her gone the next morning.
-We didn’t speak for days after that even though we work in the same small office space.
-We hung out for one final time and when I began to ignore her she told me she couldn’t do see me anymore. I asked her politely if she wouldn’t put it in my face about her other relationship with our coworker. The next day she went out of her way to make sure they worked together even though another guy was promised the project with her. The other woman was under qualified to work on it with her but told her manager that she didn’t trust the qualified person to help. They clambered to see my reaction when I found out about them working together. They took delight in taunting me. I was heartbroken because the other woman was suppose to be my friend even though I suspected that they did more than kiss.
-Since then she has not tried to contact me but no it’s just a matter of time before she will try and illicit another reaction from me. Hoping to be strong.
Is she a sociopath or just troubled?