A while ago I put my story on here – my near miss. I haven’t seen him for 5 months (he lives over 200 miles away so that makes that bit easier) but he keeps getting back in touch. He is extremely intelligent, literate and funny – but there is a very dark side to him that comes out in his obsession with death/illness/rape. Since first starting talking on 12 August 2013:
1. HIs sister had terminal cancer
2. When I had a problem with my pancreas, he “admitted” he had pancreatic cancer and was being treated with radiotherapy “when [he was] in the country” – he says he travels with his job, I think he probably has in the past – he’s very informative about the countries he’s travelled in (including Russia, so not exactly Spain!) but I don’t think he does now. He just pretends to. Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst – you don’t generally get the option to pick and choose when you have treatment … or you’re dead.
3. His sister died (life support switched off) on our second meeting – he had to rush off amid a flurry of texts – none of which I saw – and pretend phone calls.
4. His father died three weeks later “of a broken heart”
5. He started chemo two days before Christmas – but the hospital he said he was attending have no record of him whatsoever – I had a PI check him out
6. He still lives as “husband and wife” with his supposedly ex-wife – the PI found this out for me as well
Since Christmas:
7. HIs father died again!!! Lol! I asked him whether maybe his dad didn’t like being buried in September so had come back to be cremated to keep warm? He didn’t speak to me for a few days and then it was as if it had never been said.
8. Last weekend, his 32-year old nephew apparently committed suicide by hanging himself on the anniversary of my SOC’s son’s best friend’s suicide (get that one!) – but it has not managed to reach the papers, curiously enough.
9. He was apparently contacted by his ex-girlfriend’s brother (he was only with her for about 6 months) because she had been very badly beaten up by her ex and gang-banged on the kitchen table by a group of his friends – the description was so graphic it could have come out of a book. So he (the SOC) had to go and help put the house back together and “provide moral support”. But apparently it can’t be reported to the police, EVEN THOUGH HER BROTHER IS APPARENTLY A POLICEMAN!!!
10. He said yesterday he was in hospital visiting her as “he felt he had to help” – when I asked him which hospital he got incredibly angry and disappeared.
I am now blocked again – for about the 100th time. But I know he’ll be back.
I actually think he is barking mad, despite his obvious intelligence, and potentially very dangerous. His mind is in a very dark place a lot of the time. So, sociopath … or psychopath?
I think, this time, it’s time to keep him blocked.
Last night I watched on the TV a segment about Simon Gittany. He has been found guilty of murdering his fiance, Lisa, by throwing her off the 16th floor balcony in Sydney. He now has a new girlfriend who is so naive and hypnotised. He is, without a doubt, a textbook Sociopath.
They showed a text or a conversation (can’t remember) to his new fiance a few days after their engagement. It gave me chills as it was very similar to something mine sent me and my reply was very similar to Lisa’s. I have also read many others on here saying the same thing. He told her that he loves her but she has problems and she needs to rid of them.
The story fascinates me. It has made me realise just how lucky we all are to have escaped before it got to the same point Lisa got. Unfortunately, his new girlfriend is so smitten, she has excuses for everything he has ever done. I just hope that one day she sees the light but not get to the stage Lisa did.
Hi ex def an s,
I wanted to watch that but decided at the last minute not too. Wasn’t in the mood to be reminded of sociopaths. He is definitely a text book case. Scary. And the new fiancé is so badly brainwashed. You are right we have really dodged a bullet. My ex soc’s ex wife tried to kill herself and their two daughters before they broke up and is still tagging around like a puppy dog (pretty sure she slept with him when we were “so happy and in love” ).
I’m glad I have nothing more to do with him. Ever again.
Peace
Yes, I agree. Someone needs to show her a list of characteristics of a sociopath and then she may wake up to all of his lies. I remember when I was receiving counselling after finally leaving my ex. She told me to go home and google the word sociopath. Omg, it was like a personal description of my partner. I use to question his odd behaviour, lack of empathy etc.. constantly, never took any responsibility for anything and I always ended up feeling like it was my fault.
The lies about myself after I finally left were horrific. I had a nervous breakdown and had to move away from my home town. It has been two years now, but the pain still runs deep. I have moved back ,but avoid areas so as not to run into people that believe all his hurtful lies. I have had so many people completely ignore me that were once friends, it hurts so much.
And to think I would have been almost mortgage free by now, but after working 2 jobs for 10 years my mortgage is double. I feel such a fool. My kids hated him, but I was so brainwashed that I feel so pathetic that I wasn’t strong enough to leave way, way earlier. Healing is a long process !
Its such a waste of your time & effort . Most of us here have been hit in a similar fashion by these lunatics . I m so sorry for your losses . Try & stay strong , I would like to write a pile more , but I m having a rough couple of days at the mo .
😠😔
Keep on chipping away , try & look forward 😜😜😜
Cheers
Nick
@Near miss…and the nominees for best Pinocchios at real lifes are. .
Please no more contact, nobody deserves all this insanity
@ Pos,
The Simon Gittany case has been fascinating.
A forensic psychologist said he was one of 3 personality disorders, Narc/BPD & I can’t remember the last one Doh!
Wow, you should see the hold he has on the new Girl & what she excuses re his stalking & abusive background…she’s really brainwashed or braindead… http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/2014/02/10/06/32/gittany-girlfriend-louise-defends-him
Although I have been reading the amazing articles on this site since last July, this is the first comment I am posting… and, to be honest, I don’t know where to start from. I am completly broken and I feel hurt and betrayed beyond reason. I would like to share my story with you… knowing that this will make me feel better I know 🙂
Just as a bit of background – I am almost 39 years old, and have been in stable relationships throughout my adult life, including one marriage to the most amazing man who was and still is my best friend (the marriage sadly didn’t work out)
Almost 2 years ago I met this person whilst on a business trip. It only took a few seconds across a boardroom table when our eyes locked, and I knew he was The One for me! We started to exchange emails, and Skype calls and we met up two months later. It was magical! I have just oved to a new town where, very luckily for us, his work HQ are based. We spent 2 blissful weeks together then it was time for him to leave (he works in the field). Of course, we were both positive that this was finally the love we had been searching for all our lives, and I have never, ever been as happy! Over the next few months, the following happened:
Jealous rages (him of course) over things that happened in my past, way before I met him!
I started to feel that he was controlling me, throwing tantrums, ‘walking away’ from the relationship, only to come back full of new, realistic promises which I always, always believed! The plan was (until yeaterday) for him to move to our home in a couple of months, get a job at his HQ and basically we would live happily ever after. Of course, being an adult, I know that life has ups and down, yet this person has the ability of making me feel on top of the world one day, and as low as a pebble within hours. The strange thing is that he always ‘flips’ over nothing – just making up excuses to walk away from the relationship, inventing silly issues to ‘justify’ his walking away. He ruined my birthday and a family Christmas I planned with my parent. My best friends have told me, gently but firmly, that warning signs should have been going off in my head a while ago, and yes, I was and still am blinded by love. I have never loved anyone the way I love him, and I know (or so I think!) that he loves me. He has family issues that are making it hard for him (kids) but I’ve constantly promised to be by his side and work through everything together. He also likes to drink too much at time, and then becomes unbearable, calling me at all times of the night and becoming very abusive (verbally) – calling me horrible, degrading names, just to pick a fight! Of course, I never stoop to his level but try to keep my head above it all, but it hurts. It really hurts. We try to meet for a few days every month and we have always managed. Aside from the normal day to day life in a loving relationship, life when we are together is amazing beyond words – he is loving, gentle, thoughtful, caring, generous, fun… all the qualities I have ever wanted in a life partner. Yet, when we are apart, he gets dark moments when he is a completely different person, and I hate it! I keep telling myself that when he will come home for good, all will fall into place. He constantly tells me how much he longs to come home and live a normal life with me, and not a life of phone calls and emails! He is 14 years older than me. He has told me all about his past – which included a lot of casual relationships whilst being married for 26 years. Now that I am putting all this in writing, I am starting to think that I have been very, very stupid and naive, characteristics I never thought I had. He was always very pleasant to my friends and always so apologetic whenever he returns from a ‘walk out’ – promising me that things will change – asking me to relax and not worry – that I am worth fighting for and that he will never lose me because I am the love of his life and the best thing that has ever happened to him. TOgether we have furnished our home (mostly paid by him), bought a new car (he paid the bulk of it) and have been ‘building’ our life.
We were due to meet this weekend for 10 days, and all was v v well last night – once again we spoke (lovingly and happily) and said goodnight. A couple of hours later I receive a text accusing me of sleeping with someone I worked with 3 years before I met him!!!!! I honestly can’t understand. Then he went all cold on me – saying ‘This is over. I have a right to change my mind – stop calling me’ Thais has been a recurring pattern and I am seriously tired. Emotionally and mentally I am drained and so so sad. I know that he will ‘come back’ – somehow he always does, but I don’t know what to do any more. I am so in love with him. That is the problem and I think/thought that he is in love with me. I have cried so much in the last months, but each tear was always ‘compensated’ by the good times – the times we built our life. I am lost.
Thank you to anyone who has read this. I am feeling broken, alone and completely deflated. 😦 😦
Now that I have begun writing…
I also feel afraid of him at times, never when we are together, but when we are apart I am always worried that I will trigger him off. Having read so many comments on this site, I have started to see common trends, although I don’t know if he is a SP. I have caught him in lies numerous times, usuallyon silly things, but lies nonetheless. He has this amazing ability of seeking out all information on me online. In his darkest moments, during one of our ‘breaks’, I was even accused of being a porn star! How much more can I take! The very sad thing is that everything in our home reminds me of him! Only last week we went shopping (I was really on tenterhooks, as I was healing from his ‘walkout’ over the holidays) and we bought matching watches – for life (or so he said!) He even bought me a bag and insisted I have it monogrammed with my name and the initial of his surname ‘because that is who I am and who I always will be’ I wondered whether this was a good idea, but he can be very very convincing and I have a tendancy to believe him! I am so low. I am so broken. I feel … 😦 😦
He was always telling me ‘there is and will never me a ME without YOU’. Was I wrong to believe him? Should I have walked out myself earlier – anything to save the heartbreak I am currently experiencing. This recurring pattern of behaviour should have sent me running for the hills but I chose to believe that love can really conquer anything. I have been his support, his stability over the months we have been together, and yet, never found him when I needed him the most. Part of me really wants him to come back, whilst part of me is regretting ever meeting him and proudly wearing an engagement and eternity ring, which seem nothing but accusations to me now!! I am totally lost and broken into a million pieces. He is a good person, or so I thought. Now I am doubting everything… even if he loves me or ever did.
He would always refer to me as his ‘wife’ not only when we are alone but would introduce me to all his colleagues as such. In so many ways, I have always felt that I was/am his wife. I have loved like never before – with my heart and soul and everything in between. The sad thing is that I know that I have been treated badly. I know it. Yet, I was always under the impression that love and patience, trust and care could overcome everything and make him a better person. Whenever we are together, he is amazing. Yet when we are apart, he sometimes turns into a bully and a monster. Sorry for writing so much – I just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you for reading. I am broken.
Hi Sandy,
I am so sorry that it has taken so long to respond to your comment, which would have left you without support here. Welcome to the site. When you comment now your comment will go through.
Hi Sandy 🙂
Really hard time for you as we all know 😦
I was ‘the wife’ & introduced as his partner etc…just didn’t realize, he had so many 😦
Just stay here & share, get support & vent away as we have all been down or are on the road to recovery from this abuse etc…
Stay strong & remember, you were always real & he wasn’t but, you gave him something special & that’s really a great gift 🙂 The Greatest!
He can’t appreciate it, none of them do 😦
We are just trophy’s & possessions but, never truly valued for our true hearts 😦
You have something he will never ever have.
A feeling,loving,kind & compassionate heart & you cannot save the lost souls.
You can however save yours & you will 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
Sandy, get rid of everything as it creates a tie 😦
Give it to charity or have it stored somewhere until you can deal with it. Then have the house ‘smudged with sage’ if your into that.
He has created those memory prompts as in mementos etc…for a reason.
He will be back as he considers you ‘his’ so, read & learn & ‘power up’.
You deserve someone healthy & normal,not a mind ‘f*#king game player!
Oops, sometimes I get ‘potty hands’ & write crude stuff 😉
Still, if your in a relationship with a ‘devil’ it does rub off but, not for ever.
Love & light to you Sandy & him, they hate it 😉
PR xoxo
run away quick, because you will run sooner or latter, better sooner than later, life can be so much better, Im now married to a wonderful normal man who loves me and makes me laugh and is so kind everyday.
He has mental issues. Exactly like mine had. Please leave him and find your life again. I did that and im so happy now. Love is not suffering, I got married to the most amazing man and my married life now is full of laughter, good moments, not a bad word, kindness, help from him, intelligent talks, love and beauty.
Sandy, I noticed that you said he referred to you as ‘wife’. This really caught my attention, because my ex who I had only dated for 3 months started calling me ‘wife’ right away, and make comments like ‘you are such a good wife’, and even go as far as to joke about an imaginary son we have he called ‘little Timmy’. Eventually it got so annoying and weird to me that I told him to knock it off. Now I realize that in the back of my mind I knew that the only reason he was saying those things was to make me feel closer to him, and because he was familiar with the cliche that every woman wants to get married and have children, so he played on that in his attempt to play the part of ‘the one’. He just assumed that saying such things would make a girl feel good and appeal to her, and he didn’t understand that its actually somewhat creepy when we have only known each other a week. One thing I have learned from my situation is that if a guys means of charm and flattery are out of place and inappropriate by most peoples norms, then that’s a red flag.
I feel for you! But I want you to listen and take my advise. I have been with a socoipath for 8 years now. We don’t live together. I to was madly in love. The mind games have been the worst. HE has drama ever min of his life and blames his kids for all the drama. It’s him and tons of lies. He tells me he is on his way over and he never shows up and doesn’t even call. My advise to you is get away from him and do so with help. I’m taking the same advise and getting help to get away from him. This is no way for you and I to have to live like this! He will never change, you will never have a normal life with him, it’s IMPOSSIBLE.! Take it from me. 8 years nothing has change at all. His lies about anything and everything. I will be your suport juliestremfelatyahoo.com. STOP fooling yourself it will never be right!
Jewels
Thanks so much for your support. Being on this site is an amazing help and it is so good to know that there are others who have gone through the same thing. I really appreciate the love and support.
Stay strong Sandy, yes unfortunately for you, he is one of them SP. We have all had them, it is even harder when you go through it and don’t know what is going on. At least you have found this site in time to save yourself from what might go on for years and possibly destroy your life. You have to be strong and listen to all of us who have been through this and cut contact and try and move on. They are all the same. After 2 and my life being destroyed completely, I have now found this site. I can only try and heal now, but you have the chance to escape. Please do it.
Hey girl! I cried reading your info. I can feel how much you are yearning a normal love. Someone for you. Like all the other girls. A guy that just wants her. The only thing you have to remember is that no one will change him. He will keep on doing exactly what he is doing to you and to anyone else that comes his way. ITS NOT YOU!!!! xoxoxo
What a valuable comment!! Thank you! I have reached the point where I can’t understand myself anymore, which is even more worrying. I come from a very loving family, and have very few but very good close friends who only want the best for me. If I look around me, I know that I am blessed, and yet, I keep looking past his shortcomings… and I don’t know why. My health has really suffered in recent weeks and he was very worried about me, even calling and texting my mum. I don’t know what to make of this. I see it as an act of love, but am I being played? When I stop to think of all the disappointments I have been through in the last 2 years (almost) we have been together, I am surprised that I have made it this far. Honestly. I have a very demanding job which I love, and I know that the stress of this relationship has cast a shadow over my life. I am also fortunate to have a wonderful ex husband who really cares for me and is there for me. The thing about my SP (if he is one) is that I feel that he doesn’t know that when you love someone, you need to be there for them in trying times. I have lovingly supported him morally and emotionally (never financially – that was always up to him) and I am now in two minds what to do: He is due to come home for good within the next couple of months (so he says!) I am sort of ‘testing ‘him in my head – saying to myself that if he does come home, then it will be for good, yet if he doesn’t, I will know. Funny I am thinking this way, and thank you to all of you for reading this. I work overseas and I live alone, away from him and away from my loving family, so it is very hard. Really hard.
What you, and everyone on this damn site need to realise, is that just because your petty little ex was a dickhead, does not mean he is a sociopath.
Some sociopaths are dicks. Some are nice. Some are neutral. Just like normal people. Learn the difference before stereotyping someone who is different.
Thank you for your ‘moral outrage’ comment. Am sure there are varying degrees of sociopathy. This site isn’t written for the benefit of sociopaths. So it probably wouldn’t be tailored to your liking. I wouldn’t expect it to be.
Hey pos, just goes to show how much they lack emotional understanding with dumb arse comments like lyss’s.
Honey, the hundreds of us on here have no proof that “nice” sociopaths exist. Nor do we care. We are here to heal from the damage created by sociopaths.
If your an example of a nice one then I’m afraid you need to learn what the word “stereotyping” means. While you are there, look up the criteria of what makes a sociopath – lack of empathy and compassion stand at the top. Therefore they can fake nice but not understand it. They will only be nice as long as it suits their needs. Because they dont have compassion nor understand empathy their idea of nice is based on mirroring and faking it to fit in… Until they get bored, or some one they are nice to slights them, then they are justified to retaliate right? Yeah, real nice.
And if you are not a sociopath and just a deluded partner of one… Come back in a year or two… You’ll be singing a different tune then.
@Lyss,
I always hear ‘send in the clowns’ when i read comments like yours.
Honestly, if self combustion were possible then wouldnt it be great if all the mean & nasty people imploded & all the liars caught fire 😁 there is nothing normal about a sociopath regardless of which mask they apply. Hmmm today I shall appear normal & tomorrow I shall be a dick! Such a range of choice, gee what character will I don today???
Maybe, I’ll drop by a healing site & make an incongruous statement? Yes, what else can I do to better spend my time? Yep, i hear the ‘carnival’ music starting up, ‘send in a clown!’
Love & Light 😃
‘Something wicked this way comes’
PR xoxo
Hahaha lol
If there’s one thing that get’s me angry, it’s when people lack all sorts of logic. I’m the clown? Remove your useless emotions and read your comment back to yourself.
I do not care if this site is tailored to my liking, if the only problem was the fact that I didn’t like the site, I wouldn’t have said anything.
Your illogical and clearly mislead thoughts that you’ve scribbled without thinking twice are the reason I’m commenting.
Sociopaths don’t wake up in the morning and say HEY I feel like being a big knobhead today, then nice tomorrow, they just go by exactly how they’re feeling. If they’re feeling crap, they’re not going to force themselves to act nice just to save someone’s feelings, but they alo won’t go out of their way to make someone’s feelings into a pile of shit. Chances are, they’ll just tell them person to fuck off, hope they understand or at least actually listen, then come back and explain later. Sociopaths have morals. and yeah, they create their own morals, but that just means they have the brains to not be a complete sheep like empaths.
If you met a real sociopath, you would never even notice, because you don’t even know what a sociopath is. Your solution to everything is to justify the idiocy of some people into a category to make yourself feel better. ‘Wah, he hit me’ ‘Oh that’s ok he’s a sociopath, that somehow makes it easier for you!’ Fuck, I do hate people who lack logic.
I don’t agree. You don’t think a sociopath will fake how they are feeling to get what they want? Hmm I don’t think that is a true statement.
I like your moral outrage. Same as the last socio in my world he always gets mad and takes the socios side. Even when there is no logic to it.
@positivagirl
There is a motive behind every action, however you make it seem like every motive is a bad one.
‘Normal’ people have motives for everything, too. You sit and have idiotic small talk for hours because it makes you feel less lonely. You counsel someone not to make them feel better, but to make yourself feel better about helping them, because for some reason you’d feel bad if you had ignored them. And then you talk about sociopaths as if they’re the only shit stain on the world.
Sociopaths merely have a sightly altered motive. They wouldn’t feel bad about ignoring someone if they were crying, however, they would most likely still go to console that person because it makes others see them as a good person.
Not all that much difference now, is there?
By this point I do hope you’ve come to the conclusion I know so much about them because I am one, however I just dislike speaking from a first person point of view. Why? Because I don’t like others speaking from that point of view, it always means I’ll have to sit there and listen to their life stories they think people actually care about.
I’m not stupid, I am aware that even empaths don’t care about someone’s life story and how miserable they are or some crap, but yet you still sit there and listen. And for what? Sociopaths merely have the brains to not torment themselves with that boredom.
Also, on a side note, sociopaths lie because they have to, because they’ve been brought up in a world where if they don’t, people will call them a freak for who they are.
I do tire of you people preaching individuality then contradicting yourself.
Go ahead, be black, asian, skinny, obese, gay, straight, male, female, OH but don’t be a sociopath, no, anything but that.
We’re not a bloody separate species, we just use our brains a lot more.
Someone asked if a Sociopath can love their child. I don’t believe they do. They play the role of doting father/mother and pretend to have those feelings but the child is a part of the game.
My Sociopath used his son at times to get money from me. Even though he never saw his son, he played on that to get to me and feel sorry for him. Towards the end of the relationship, when he found a new source, it seemed he had a total disinterest in his son. I also believe he has another child now so he has a new source in regards to having a child he can eventually use.
Thanks for the reply Ex def an S. I don’t believe a SP can love their children totally either after my painful experience, however they do a bloody good job at convincing the general population. I am still on the road to recovery so not always objective. 🙂
Does this information come from personal experience Lydia? Just the thought of it makes me feel extremely sad for them but very happy I am me.
I was wanting to ask that question. My sociopath has 3 kids, he blames them for the reasons he doesn’t show up or call me. He says his life is just so full of drama. I say BS! He is the drama and we must all remember that sociopaths are cheaters, they don’t have the guilt, and they just don’t care. Most are leading doubble lives. REMEMBER THAT!
Jewels
Hello… Just noticed the Katy Perry video and thought this song might speak to you even more. It certainly does to me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPOtSknsdXs
I revealed my sociopathic boyfriend after 3 months – luckily, he didn’t manage to destroy my intuition completely. So I just experienced what might be called a “milder version” of all these stories… But pretty scary anyway. Good luck to everyone, and thanks a lot for this website. It helps to understand and overcome. Bye, L.
Lucie,
Amongst all the coincidences in these situations, one I have noticed is time as well. My situation was also about 3 months. First month was great with very few eyebrow raising events. The second month things got weird but not yet scary, although suspicious. By month 3 it was like he just got careless and didn’t care if I saw his true nature, but word still put on the act every now and then like he was a broken record. He did things that obviously anybody in their right mind would begin to realize he was bad news. When I spoke to ladies he has done this to before, without telling them how long I knew them, they all said the same thing. He lasts about 2 months before he starts to lose it. These people are not just like carbon copies, they are also like ticking clockwork all on the same schedule in the same time zone. Its so weird, and scary.
Spot on PR. The bit I totally agree on is that their “evilness” has a way of rubbing off on us. They do their crazy-making and I believe this is also part of it as well. Once you remove them from your life, you will slowly have normality back into your life. I became an abusive person towards my Spath because of the emotional and financial abuse. He was taking my money, energy and my mind. I will never see a cent of the money I gave him to “help” him but I have gotten my energy back and slowly my mind.
They are love rats, who use and abuse us. The abuse comes slowly for some of us and some get abused within weeks of being in this kind of relationship. Both times we either don’t pick up on the red flags or choose not to see the red flags, with us being the blame of their behaviour with statements like “you made me like this” or “i am like this because of you” or “you made me do it”.
They do stuff that us normal people don’t do and it can be mind-blowing some of the scenarios. They have no idea about kindness, loyalty, respect or love. All important things in a relationship. They think they do know about these things but they just know how to act the way they “should” at the appropriate times. The best way is to remove all reminders of them. Trust me when I say, if you keep in contact with them, they will continue to treat you badly. You will try and have conversations with them and they will barely say a word to you…..that is until they need you.
What I find the most frustrating this is that they think WE are the bad people and treat us that way too. As much as they said “you made me like this” etc, the truth is, they made us “the crazy ones”. Leaving a relationship with a Spath is very frustrating as you just won’t ever understand them or their actions. They are just complicated and frustrating people.
Something I have learnt is that I know how I want to be treated in future relationships. It might be a while until I find a new relationship but that is because I will be very cautious as to who I become involved in after this experience.
Yes, I was always to blame, I made him do this and that, I was the wrong one, I became even confused about myself. Did I really do that?
Welcome to the site Lydia, read the post ‘sociopaths always blame you for what they are guilty of themselves’…. they are masters at deflection and illusion.
@ ex def…….I was told that “I made him fall in love with me” Also, he told me that the day would come when I grew to love him
much more than he loved me. Also, I would be “begging” him for sex and love.
The soc never ever takes responsibility for anything, they always deflect it back onto you.
They may feign ‘sorry’ etc…but, they blame you!
Then they set about ‘paying you back’ for what they perceive you did etc…you dare question ME!
How dare you! You cannot challenge me as I am the Grand Master of deception & self deception…the double edged sword!
They really are quiet comical when you are free of the delusion & the spell breaks 🙂
Like knowing the magicians tricks, not so entertaining, just tricks!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
My ex would ‘tease’ me by giving few responses when I asked if he wanted to see me, and his responses were short. I would ask if he is busy or tired or something, and he would say ‘no, I just want to torture you’ by being vague/shirt/unresponsive in his replies when I wanted to spend time with him. As though he felt that I needed his attention and it would just be unbearable ‘torture’ to neglect me. Firstly, the fact he assumed I was that desperate was just odd to me. And second, he freely admitted to basically wanting to upset me for his own amusement.
Yes & Ditto that & Amen or Argh!Men 🙂
If you don’t break the spell, they will keep you in the loop forever!
Regardless of the relationship etc…you cannot befriend them when it’s over as they will just continue to use & abuse you & your qualities to serve themselves!
It’s all about them & their needs & ego & they will never put you ahead of the most important person in their life ‘THEM!’
NO CONTACT is the only way to free yourself & heal 🙂
The healing is never complete if they are around as I’m sure others who have children can testify, they use the children against you. 😦
Really spiteful, devious creatures so, if you get free, ‘Run’ & never look back…see the ‘EXIT’ sign/door, take it as your life, sanity & soul depends on it!
Write down & keep a record of what you want in a guy & define clear healthy boundaries etc…make a list & if you meet someone, GO SLOW as you will see patterns emerging that will be ‘telling’ etc…if they are in a hurry, that’s not love or passion, its greed & lust.
Healthy, set boundaries, no married men, check them out thoroughly, meet their friends & keep your life private until you are sure as they will use you against yourself as the Soc does 🙂
You will find love but, love yourself ‘wholeheartedly’ first & keep telling yourself, you deserve ‘Mr Right’, not ‘Mr I am always Right!’ 🙂
They look at their children as objects to possess or reject. Mine has two older children by first marriage. Got some girl pregnant and she had twins 8 yrs ago. He didn’t want those two so he let her new husband adopt them so he could stop paying child support. The money was more important to him.
This is for Sandy…..I feel your pain in your words. I still have pain myself. You have to do the things that will be helpful to you. A lot of good help here. Wished I had seen this sight 5 months ago. I feel like a failure. I am 55 years old and feel I should have know better. I was needing what he sold me. I took the bait and regret it. Trying to dig my way out. Seems my mind wanders to him and nothing else….I loved him. That simple it is. I had no clue there were people out there that did these things to others. I felt like he was an underdog…..I always root for the underdog. No more. I never understood the hurtful things he would say to me when I had done nothing wrong. The flipping back and forth of happy and sad drove me crazy. He loved me and then he didn’t. He would bow out and then return as if he never said these things….but he did. I remember telling him things and I would mention them later and he would say he did not remember that. I do not know if that is part of his plan or not. Do the S have problems remembering? I do not know. One thing that stands out for me is he told me someone would be hurt in this relationship…..and it would not be him. I have been on no contact since Dec. 2013. Sure I think about him. I cant help it. I wonder what is going on in his life. I cant help it. In his last message he told me he thought of me and cared for me and that he loved me. I thought I was the one for him. I was not. When he no longer needed me …he was in a relationship with a woman he had had some type of relationship with for 11 years. He had said things about her..(smear job). I believed it was over for them….it was not. Now they are on F/B saying they are happy. Good for them. He just took away every bit of self esteem I had left. I live in a different town so I do not have to see him. I have him blocked on my phone for messages, phone calls and facetime. Part of me wants to tell him what he did to me…..but now I do not want to even do that. I made notes of the things he said to me. I would read them every day. I finally deleted them and am doing some better. I still remember them though. I deleted all messages even the nice ones. They kept me from getting better. At first I was angry with the OW and not him until someone on here told me I was the OW. I do not know or care who was or is. I had songs that would remind me of him….I no longer will listen to them. Breaks my heart. I do not know where my life will take me. The S sure took me by surprise. He was cruel. The song that has helped me is a Katy Perry song “Ghost”http://youtu.be/RT0fBGY47-s. Just listen to it. I hope you will be able to handle this….I did not handle it so well. I think it is human nature to want to believe he cared for me….that he loved me…and that he will remember me. This site has made that plain to me that when they leave….they leave with only what you have left in your soul. He is someone I use to know. I am thankful I have not had years invested in him. It would have really broken me down. Best of luck to you…my sweet Sandy. It has been the best for me to delete everything about him from my life. That was the easy part. A S is a salesman who has no product…… sad but true.
Thank you! It is so incredibly hard! The pain is something I’ve never, ever experienced before. Thanks for your support… this site is a gem!
You are so right… and yes I cannot see it, and I know somewhere deep inside that I am wrong. I even don’t know what to write at the moment. In a way I feel ashamed because I love him and a huge part of me really wants to believe him. The irony is that he has spent over 20 years of his life in a profession where he cares for others… for the underdogs, and I am having trouble believing that someone so caring for others finds it hard to keep promises to the ones they love. He is constantly telling me to relax, not to worry about anything, that he won’t hurt me again. Oh, how I wish I could believe him!!! When he is home, life is what it is meant to be. He is now working overseas for a while and yet we spend a great deal on FaceTIme every evening. The plan is for him to come home for good within the next couple of months… I don’t even know whether to believe him. Whenever I question anything, or I openly admit my fears to him, he tells me to relax, he loves me and he is done hurting me. I honestly don’t know. He makes me happy and makes me sad. I have been at my highest and at my lowest with him. Sometimes I think that I can never believe him again after all the hurt he has put me through. Yet, I am forgiving (wrong, I know)…
Id like to tell my story but cannot find the place to do so in the site, so Im writing here hoping it will be posted at the right place.
In 2010 after a very painful divorce I met a man professionally.He was supposed to show me a flat to buy, however he tried to hold my hand, invited me for dinner and even asked me to go to a motel with him. I was very naive, having had only my husband all my life and little experience of what I should have done immediately (run ).. Next day he sent me a small message and from them on he started to pester me online. I started feeling ok with his talk and we finally met again. That day he was a completely different, angry person and he told me he was married. I left the restaurant there and then.
However, that was only the beginning. Next afternoon he sent me various emails saying he was not really married but lived with someone but the relationship had ended, and he wanted to see me. He as again, so kind.
In the next months we started dating. This was the most horrendous experience of ny life but I still hoped against hope that he would transform from a frog to a prince. Iwill now resume the months amd his actions-
Borrowed a lot of money
Started to demeaning me and tell me all sorts of things about my personality, saying I like to fight and that I needed a doctor (difficult to prove that this is not the case at all).
-Told me I was fat, (not true) and there were many more women in the world.
-Became very kind and caring when he wanted something like money, a meal, a trip paid for me.
-Told me he never have loved anybody
-Did not hold my hand and never kissed me.
-Wanted a lot of sex and became very kind and nice before, and very cold and rude after.
– Used me for a meal ticket .
-Had great dreams and schemes that sounded like fary tales and one could see he would never go for them.
-Lied left , right and front ab out lots and lots of things, pretended he lost my camera to keep it for himself.
– Got another woman in a bar and still wanted to go out with me.
– Became angry and abusive and strange for no reason, often not talking to me for days for the most simple reasons.
– Shook his fist on my face for no reason at all, as we were just talking on a bus.
-when I asked for my money back (he had only borrowed) became abusive and threatened my family.
– used to write horrendous emails and half an hour after a lovely kind email and after that another terrible email calling me all things.
You would ask why oh why I stayed with him for one year, I dont know, I suffered a lot with him and suffered when he was ostracizing me. Thanks to God one day I prayed to God and that man just disappeared from my mind. He still tried many times to be back in my life, phoned many times, tried lies and schemes to get my attention, but no, thanks but no thanks, the door had closed.
Im now married to the most amazing, kind, normal man.
Hi Lydia, welcome to the site. Reading your comment, made me stop in my tracks, I dated one just like that. A horrible experience. A year with someone treating you like that, can cause a lot of psychological damage…. am so happy that you have found happiness with someone who treats you well. I am sure that this comment will bring hope to a lot who read this, that you CAN come out the other side and find the sunshine and happiness again.
@Lydia, we all stayed because we thought we love them and everything that they needed was an unconditional love…but no matter what it is never enough. I’m glad that you were able to see the door for an escape an used it withhout hesitation.
yes, my ex sociopath couldnt care less for the three grandkids and treats them like if they have no souls. The little boy wanted so much his grampa attention and tried everything, showing his new shoes, asking to play a game, but when he didnt get any attention he went to bed to cry and after that he was sick.
Nowhere on here does it mention how to deal with the death of a sociopath boyfriend?
I started reading this site thinking about my first love, my ex before the last was one…but started realizing the guy i’ve been glamorizing since his death, & almost committed suicide over might not of even been real?
He was the type to go into sudden rage over little things like being jealous over me messaging someone back on fb and first time it happened he punched a hole in the wall right next to my face, I knew I didn’t like that but somehow dismissed it. Then it was spitting on me, hair pulling, entrapping me in the room so I couldn’t escape while he yelled and broke shit, holding me down, smashing my face into the back of his truck, ect.. He’d laugh with those crazy eyes when I’d say he was abusive and say “where are the marks? I didn’t PUNCH YOU! Where’s your black eye? Drama queen” In this condescending way. He said he’s punched his “cheating whore ex” but she deserved it cause she hit him before. I found that out when I jokingly jabbed him in the arm after telling a joke and he got really angry in the beginning of our relationshit (I wasn’t used to that reaction from something so playful.) After the violent rages often leaving him being arrested and sent to the mental ward (I would explain it as him being possessed!) very scary. Throwing himself down 3 flights of steps and getting right up! and attacking anyone in his way, terrifying me and his older sister to the point she called the cops. He would act like NOTHING happened and swear up and down that he was blacked out! Even though he was sober. I now don’t know how but I bought this excuse, He was SO convincing! I’d tell him what he did and he’d act like “no way, what’s wrong with me :(” And go right back to his sweet, loving,charming self somehow turning the tables every time making ME feel sorry for HIM!
Oh & He also was a drug addict and came to me knowing I wasn’t completely over my ex cheating (who just happened to be his old best friend) but when he contacted me he swore he HATED my ex and they weren’t friends for a long while. Nothing brings two people together like the hatred of a third person? He’d mention how my ex cheated on me constantly and how when they’d play shows and my ex would try to sleep with girls that he would say “Why would you do that? You are so lucky to have such a beautiful, awesome girlfriend!” Making himself seem like such a gentleman and my ex the monster.
Anyways It wasn’t always hell. He was SO MUCH like me, it was so nice to have someone “get” me. He’d call us soul mates and I felt like he was my twin. He’d say he wanted to marry me and said he never wanted kids before me but now he does, & would say how beautiful our children would be. He could charm ANYONE & was very confident. His family would shower me with gifts at first, I felt so loved like I belonged somewhere finally. Before you know it I was under his control, kept me secluded and doped up would shoot drugs into my arms as he didn’t want me to know how (didn’t want me to do it with anyone else, luckily I never got addicted in 3 years. I’m not an addict/strong will power when it comes to that. I was just depressed and when I was sad he’d cheer me up with free drugs :/) Saying it was “recreational” while he’d be sneaking doing it everyday.
He got his whole friend group addicted and didn’t give one shit. I saved his life once. Scariest moment of my life, never given CPR and getting awoken to a thump of a non breathing boyfriend on the floor. I had PTSD over that so I always tried to get him clean but it wouldn’t last long he would lie and sneak. Infact once he had me he threw away ALL his friends and it was me and him everyday, He didn’t work since he was on disability & since I had all guy friends would act jealous and tell me- as if it were fact, that all they wanted was to get in my pants!
He would say he didn’t like his friends and all he needed was me making me feel some obligation to do the same. Even talked about taking me away from my family and turning me against everyone.
Sorry this is so long but i’m venting so…whatever.
I finally broke up with him (what I though was for good) over the drugs cause I wasn’t doing them and I’d catch him sneaking them in my house trying to fool me but my intuition was strong with the drugs and i’d find his hiding spots in a split second.
Every time he’d nod out i’d have panic attacks and flash backs. And when he didn’t call when he was supposed to i’d cry and cry and stay up all night pacing around expecting to get that phone call that he was dead. I’d tell him my fears all the time but he didn’t care till I finally said FUCK THIS! YOU’RE A FUCKING JUNKIE LOSER! told him how stressful it was and luckily he was too high to get up and do anything & I finally got him to leave
Then sent the most degrading evil text message. Using every insecurity I ever told him and using it as a weapon. He was 27 and cause of the drugs our sex life was not…very active as I was used to with my ex. I missed intimacy. So he said he couldn’t get it up to the thought of my tiny breasts and busted face! and that he NEVER loved me! I felt like nothing. I believed it, my hear sunk. This was the guy who before would tell me how i’m more beautiful than any movie star, compliments all the time from my hair to my clothes & make-up. My self esteem was gone…to the point I ran straight to my ex who always made me feel attractive telling him what he said, He knew how to make me feel sexy.
After…he ADMITTED that he used my insecurity’s against me & He was just mad that I called him a junkie and that he loved me so much and can’t live without me and will give me the life I deserve. He said he finally was going to rehab and had a flight booked for the following week. I told him prove it.
I didn’t see him that whole week though we’d casually text. I got very lonely, since I no longer had anyone else to hang out with. My friends were gone. I was very depressed and stupidly started missing him (for some reason always remembering the good not the bad) and two weeks into rehab he was allowed to use his phone and called me and I ended up taking him back & promising i’d wait for him. That I did. I didn’t party or anything, I was a well trained dog. I literally waited. Only for him to finally come back and FIRST THING HE DID OFF THE PLANE was go and get high. AND TRY TO FOOL ME! As I said, my intuition with those stupid drugs was strong, I could tell just cause of his voice and how he sounded that he was high. Then when I saw him I knew for sure. He lied, I told him I KNEW and he’d make all kinds of excuses, so day in and out he was being sneaky acting like he was having family time (he hated his family) so I knew when he left he was getting high. Then he’d come over all late and passout & get up early and disappear. At this point I KNEW he was going to die, I had a scare one day after he left my house and was supposed to come back over I called him like 50 times till his phone died and I told my mom “I think he’s dead, his tolerance is too low now for the shots he does…his family hates me how will I even know!?! Frantically crying just hoping I wasn’t right. Then I text his mom asking if he’s home and telling her I was worried and to check up on him & told her she needed to piss test him. WELL she didn’t ease my mind and LIED! He ended up calling me from jail saying his mom found OLD syringes in his attic and called the cops, I knew that was bullshit and started making too much sense he knew he couldn’t lie so he said he had to go and loved me & would call me when he got out. He called I didn’t pick up, that’s the last voice mail I have. It’s pretty eerie as it sounds like he’s thinking of nice things to say like, he misses me, and thanked me for being such an awesome girlfriend, and loved me. Saw him one last time where I had to beg him to come hang out after he initially made plans with me but kept delaying so I hung out with a few friends to kill time and so they could go to him since he was taking so long. He wasn’t himself that night, dissociated, quiet, not interested in anything. My friend said he though he was dope sick. Idk Next day he didn’t talk to me at all and then the morning after that I get the phone call of my nightmares.
This all happened in November right before his birthday, then our anniversary was dec 5th, and allll the holidays filled with loneliness and grief I honestly don’t know HOW i’ve made it this far.
I told my mom what I thought after reading this site earlier, she knows EVERYTHING! But she just came down and said “who’s talking shit about him?!” “That’s NOT cool, don’t talk about someone who can’t defend themselves!” I told her No one and I came up with this conclusion on my own and she made me feel crazy and said “he was only human, and he loved you. You ARE lovable” and just walked away. She reallllly loved him, it was a private viewing just his close family and me. No friends, no funeral. I never see my mom cry, not even at my grandmas funeral. She was praying and bawling and I was a wreck. She even lifted his blanket when we had privacy and took his feet out and said he always had cute feet -___-
And then I kissed his foot…and she got me doing crazy stupid stuff I regret cause I had nightmares for months. Still see him but it’s not as bad now.
SOOOOO…..Obviously I’m pretty confused and fucked up in the head but I am strong. I didn’t even remember all the bad stuff until the other month. I needed to remind myself so I could escape his family blaming ME for his death…while his mother the enabler of a lifetime was the one who found him passed out, the night he was in jail wasn’t cause of old syringes it was cause she called 911 and once they got there he popped up and attacked. He made her promise not to tell me. So while I worried trying to save him she already knew & didn’t tell me. And bailed him RIGHT OUT. Instead of leaving him there to be safe or putting him in the hospital as a danger to himself. Why wasn’t her intuition as strong as mine? Couldn’t she fucking see what was going to happen? I’m not a snitch so for me to come to her for help with him was a first. Yet they blamed me causing me extreme guilt.
I don’t really know what to think. This wasn’t supposed to be about him but my ex before so….I’m kinda at a loss & don’t see anything on here about how exactly to deal with grief of losing (what might be) a sociopath to by break up but in death. I know I CAN’T be the only one. 😦
Hi Vika, Welcome to the site, I am really glad that you have joined us.
There is so much that I want to say to you, but it is too much to write on a website. You can email me if you need to talk at datingasociopath@hotmail.co.uk
First of all, it is difficult with someone who is addicted to hard drugs, as the behaviour can be identical to that of a sociopath!! I know this, as I spent decades working with homeless people, and I have worked with so many people addicted to drugs. Additionally, my cousin also died of heroin OD, he had gone into rehab and was clean, I think he had a fight with his girlfriend, and used, his tolerance level couldn’t take it for his body and he died, he was also in his 20s.
Having worked with more long term drug users than I can remember, I can say that what you saw, could have been the effects of the drugs. It would be impossible to know whether he was a sociopath or not. It might be true that he did love you, although his actions didn’t show it.
I just know who my cousin was, yes he was a cheeky boy…. but drugs destroyed his life and later took his life. He was too young to die, but the drugs were bigger than what he was.
You will never know if he was a sociopath, as you didn’t see him clean to see how he really was. What you talk about him getting clean and then using again, that must have felt like such a disappointment to you. But it is common. Especially when the person isn’t really ready to give up the drugs. As you know, when they spend time not being able to take drugs (either through rehab or prison) the tolerance to the drugs is far lower, and this can cause death.
It sounds like you have been through so much. Abuse in every way, death of your partner, traumatic events. You sound to me, quite traumatised. I would urge you to get professional help and support. Do you also have family and friends to support you through this?
You have been through so much, and will need support for you. If I am honest, I couldn’t say if he was a sociopath or not…. as what you describe sounds like behaviour that is also common with a hard long term drug user too.
I don’t think it is his mums fault, and she probably was upset with you, as a mother, she probably feels that she couldn’t protect her child – the most that she can do, is to protect his memory. I expect that she also feels such loss, and also guilt about his death. As a mother losing your child is the worst thing that can happen, when it is to drugs, it is heartbreaking.
I would focus on the fact that he died due to drugs, that possibly if he were not on drugs, he might have been a nice guy. Maybe? You will never know and you could torture yourself by adding additional burdens to the overwhelming amount that you have already been through.
There is so much that i understand about your story. Bereavement, domestic violence, drugs, death of a young person that you loved to drugs, also sociopathy, and suffering with PTSD and trauma. Your story really called out to me.
If you are struggling to find someone to talk to and would like to talk, please do email me. If I can offer you support, I gladly will. Thank you for your comment.
All that i can say, is that bereavement combined with trauma, is very difficult to get through – but it is possible to come out of the other side. Feeling that he was just a sociopath and that he never loved you – I dont think would be helpful to you. Also you would never know if this was true. Realistically his behaviour could have been drug related, and if he had managed to kick the drugs, you might have witnessed a different person. He DID actually go into rehab…. you say that he did that. Just this takes courage to do… so you must have meant something to him, probably far more than you realise. It is often just that the drugs were bigger than him.
Do you have any support? Have you seen anyone medically for counselling/therapy/treatment? As I really do think that this would benefit you, you have been through so very much, and will need support to heal and recover.
I was with my high functioning Soc for 10 years so, I understand your story & feelings as I was in the ‘dark’ for the most part as he kept changing his ‘game play’ every-time I got close to finding out about others etc…As per the new OW, there are at least 5 perhaps more plus fringe dwellers? Some are married & just like the ‘fling’ factor he provides.
I am 10 months out but, am in contact with the OW, it’s a long story but, he contacted me after 10 months to tell me, ‘he misses me’ etc…
I was ready for him & was in my ‘own power’ & sent him back on his way 😉
The OW is slowly realizing just what she’s got herself & is still in but, he is gaming & ruining & I think she’s really ‘seeing’ him for what he is.
Anyway, that’s her journey but, I hope she is okay.
You have to find your feet & stay here & vent etc…we are all trying to support each other & finding strength in knowing that it’s not just us, you are not alone 🙂
@marla. 7 months this wknd for me being NC. There is no flaw in loving a person. But knowing what they are and allowing ourselves back In the cycle is a prescription for our own self destruction.
I come here and read often. Sometimes daily. Sometimes I can’t read people’s stories bc it still hurts me. But I’m to the point of allowing myself to feel the pain when it surfaces while accepting that he is unhealthy for me. Now I’m starting to believe maybe I’m just missing the dream of what I thought I had w him. Or today’s truth be known I hurt bc of stupid social holidays like valentines day and the fact his birthday is march 3. Whatever the reason I feel things good or bad, I take one day at a time. I’m thankful for the good days when I’m strong and allow myself the down times too.
I drove around today crying and asking God why did I deserve this awful life I’ve had. I’m alone. No friend or family relationships to speak of. Everyone is conditional toward me and that’s not what I want in life. I remind myself of all the things he said and did to me and now I’m far enough out to see how sick he was. Yes I still love him or who I thought he was. Just tell ourselves if this was love to us just how much better the real deal will be whenever we meet the one who is meant to be.
Today I thought of how hard life would be today if he was still around. I would be worried about him cheating online etc. wondering if he was lying. Waiting for his temper to explode. Getting angry for him getting drunk or high. Fighting over him not wanting my dog inside. Feeling not good enough. And many other things. But for me today. ..after the crying spell. ..I cleaned my house that he can’t take away and never have. Went back to my church he took me away from. And started thinking about wknd vacations I can take wo his permission. I’m getting my life back I think. Or I’d like to think.
Am I 100% happy? No. Not yet. Sometimes yes. But not usually. But I’m on the journey toward that goal.
Judahbug, you have come a long way my friend. You should be proud of yourself. All that you said, I have been there.
Accepting where you are at and your emotions is a massive thing (well it was for me) because you are dealing with the real you and not your ego. You are being kind and loving to the real you. Once we heal and understand the real us and are loving and kind to the real us, the rest will follow…. The real and fulfilling relationships with real people will happen naturally once we reach this spiritual understanding and kindness to our souls.
This teds talk by Brene brown became my “bible” (I’m atheist). My goal and learning s from all this horrible experience is to be one of the ‘wholehearted’ she talks about. I posted it before but will again here. I hope you get something out of it. I watched it about 3 weeks after discard and it is still just as impactful to me now as it was then.
@ Judahbug. I totally understand you. Those damn Valentine’s Days and other holidays make it really hard. I have been struggling over the last few days as well. 😦 It isn’t easy and it is sad that we still question what we did in this life to deserve this kind of behaviour towards us. I am lucky to have family and friends, but truthfully, I no longer feel like I can talk to anybody about this. To them, it happened a year ago, I should be over it by now. Unfortunately these types of situations, you can’t put a time limit on healing.
I have been in hell for 3.5 years working on a divorce from a sociopath that most of the people in the town where I live, are fooled by. I finally have a divorce date coming in the next few months and the judge wants a whole week. I have been financially destroyed. I have spent all my money getting out of this. I need support from people through this next phase, which feels like I am about to walk into hell. My PTSD improved greatly when I was able to establish no contact and I have not seen him in a year, despite going to court. I literally will not lay eyes on him. I am triggered by all his lying affidavits….lies, lies, lies….you all know the story. I am not sure I am even safe writing on this blog. So the PTSD is getting bad again. He uses our son for the attacks and my son cannot see through this. However, I am taking this risk, because support is what will help me through this and I deserve to be helped. He is brilliant, a lawyer and charming and convincing. He even made me question who and what my own motivations were. I am a therapist and he brilliantly used this…..I did not realize I was teaching him to be a better sociopath. CIR
It’s been a year and a half since I dumped him and the psychological damage from this relationship still affects me daily. I’ve been desperately trying to get over it, but it’s a slow process and… I just feel the urge to spill the entire thing to strangers on the internet. Apologies in advance because I’m sure this is going to be really long.
He was part of the circle of friends I had in high school. He was smart, funny, friendly and charming — or so we thought (dead wrong on all counts). My two best friends and I, being stupid, naive 14 year old girls, all instantly fell for him, but it was me that he showered all the attention on. He would invite me over to his place constantly and we’d cuddle on his bed and watch movies. He had a girlfriend and assured me that our movie-watching sessions were strictly platonic — he was just a “cuddly person”. I accepted this and enjoyed the attention.
Then he broke up with his girlfriend. I was too shy to ask him out and a month later, he announced to the group that he was dating my best friend. I was upset, naturally, and although I was casually jealous for a while, they seemed happy, so I accepted their relationship and was happy for them.
Fast forward a year — her strict, Mormon parents find out about her relationship and ban them from seeing each other. She was devastated, of course, because she could no longer see the man who’d convinced her she was the ‘love of his life’… his ‘lifemate’… they even had plans to get married, even though she was only 15. These were just words, though, of course, which was evidenced by how he blew some guy at a friend’s birthday party and soon started hitting on me, despite supposedly being hopelessly in love with her. And he hit on me a lot. He invited me over all the time and would tell me that he was confused — sure, he loved her, but he also loved me — what was he supposed to do? I didn’t know. I was confused too. This was supposedly the love of my best friend’s life, but I did like him too — and he knew exactly how to manipulate me. This was the beginning of the fall of my self-esteem, living with the horrible, self-loathing guilt of betraying my best friend. As things progressed, he kept telling me that he was going to break up with her, because he loved me. “Soon,” he kept saying. “When the time is right. I’ve a gift with words. I know how to do it without hurting her.”
So he FINALLY broke up with her… after about two months. Sure, they were banned from seeing each other and he had graduated from school by then, but he could have done it over the phone or even on Facebook or something — but, no, he sent a mutual friend to school to tell her. He gave no reasons whatsoever. It was a complete shock to her and she was so distraught that she couldn’t bring herself to attend classes. I felt awful, of course, and was disgusted by how he broke up with her, but I put it out of my mind. Although I couldn’t fathom an excuse for it, I was still convinced he was a good person.
We were together for a few months. Tension was high at school and I felt terrible most of the time about most things. She didn’t know we were together. Nothing was overtly terrible from his side (that I know of), besides, of course, the typical sociopath-y things he would say (telling me that I was his ‘lifemate’, apologizing for ever being with other girls before me, etc — really laying it on thick — yet still bragging TO ME about all the female friends of his who liked him and would flirt with him).
One day, I went over to his place. Everything was normal. That night, when I was home, I discovered him posting flowery love poetry to my best friend’s Facebook wall. When I called him and confronted him about it, he yelled at me, telling me that I was being overly jealous.
The next morning, he broke up with me — weirdly and vaguely, over MSN, without really giving any reasons. He did, however, kindly inform me that he’d spent all the previous night telling all our mutual friends in our group about how “I’d manipulated him into liking him”. Feeling like a worthless, used piece of crap, with most of my friendships damaged — some more than others — as they, at that point, still didn’t realize how sleazy and sociopathic he was, I spent three days feeling completely dead, not eating and barely sleeping, until he suddenly contacted me, apologized and asked to get back together. I had no self-esteem or self-respect and it was pretty easy for him to convince me.
The following three months were the worst I’ve ever had and hopefully ever will. Every day I’d go to school and sit with my group of friends who, for the most part, disliked me. Then I’d go home and call my horrible boyfriend, who “was confused because he loved both of us so much and needed time to determine who his true love was” (so he was ‘dating’ me and my (then-former) best friend both simultaneously (let me break out of the past for a second to say that she and I are friends again now, and according to her, he never mentioned a word of this to her, even though he told me he had informed her)). To make matters worse, I was living with my grandparents at the time, because I couldn’t stand my father’s horribly rude and bitchy girlfriend, and he was angry at me for this and wouldn’t talk to me.
This nightmare continued for three months. He fed the both of us incessant lies about the other, telling us that the other hated us, was plotting against us and was out to get us. He was actively trying to make us hate each other.
Everything peaked when a popular local festival rolled around. Initially, he told me he wanted to go with me. A few days later, he called me to inform me that no, he was going to go with my best friend and I should just stay home. A few days after that, he called again, and it was the angriest I had — and ever would — see/hear him. He told me that her parents had discovered her plan to meet him there and had forbidden her from going, and for some reason, his reaction was to call ME and rant about it. I can’t remember what I said — but rest assured that it was nothing provoking, because I was already terrified of how angry he was — but his response to whatever I said was: “SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH OR I’LL BEAT YOU”.
(She told me that this wasn’t actually the case and that she’d simply told him that her parents would be present in the area, not that they’d forbidden her from going, so I’m really not sure what this was all about.)
I ended up going over to his house that day and we walked to the event. He saw her, ran off and kissed her, then came back to me and told me we had to leave because her parents were around. I was obviously upset and he was angry at me for being upset.
Back at his place, he told me that he had “chosen” and that I was the one he wanted.
Not that he let her know that. Well, she told me that he did “break up” with her, but then took her back a few days later. Apparently, the first she really knew of my involvement in this ordeal was when some other friends told her he was “cheating” on her with me — when I had been informed that he was only with me and was having nothing to do with her.
A few months passed in which she absolutely despised me and I was depressed about it (I still didn’t know what was going on or that he hadn’t actually broken up with her). After a few months, I started to sense that he was talking to her again. I was right.
He called me one day to tell me that he had been planning to break up with me and go out with her instead, but she had been “playing him” and actually hated him.
That wasn’t actually the case. She told me that they’d been talking and she’d agreed to meet him as to gain some sort of closure to the entire thing — she had no intention of getting back with him. They met in the woods, because she still wasn’t allowed to see him, and he brought a blanket with him… because he was expecting her to sleep with him, right there. She was disgusted and told him off.
That was all the first year of the relationship. By this time I was a broken mess with no self-esteem, self-respect or confidence. I knew he was an awful person. I knew every word out of his mouth was a shameless lie and I knew he was probably sleeping with every girl (and maybe some guys) who looked at him. I’d even received a Facebook message from a girl confessing that she’d been sleeping with him intermittently throughout the entire time that he was with both me and my best friend. But I’d ruined my life to be with him. I kept convincing myself that there must have been a reason I’d done that. He must have been worth something.
The last year mostly consisted of me gradually growing to hate him more and more. He would still spurt all his nonsense about me being the only one for him and he would talk about getting married. He would talk about having kids and traveling the world and living the perfect life. At the same time, he would constantly yell at me and insult me. He yelled at me when I was “too clingy” and complained when I wasn’t “clingy enough”. He was… hmm… how do I put this… he was a bit ‘rapey’… non-verbal “no”s or “not really”s didn’t really cut it; you had to be more forceful. (Let me add at this point that he liked to sprout pseudoscifentic “facts” about how relationships without sex were doomed to completely and inevitably fail and that he has absolutely refused to enter long-distance relationships even if both he and the other person really liked each other (because no sex).) He still made me feel completely worthless through his actions. One time, he invited me over, then went out before I arrived, leaving me to stand awkwardly and dejected in the driveway for an hour until he returned (naturally, he was angry at me for being upset). One time, he invited me over, and as soon as I got there, he told he I would have to go home because he’d invited over another girl (the same one who’d sent me the Facebook message about sleeping with him all the time).
Also, one time — although it doesn’t have anything to do with me, it really disturbed me — he got addicted to World of Warcraft. He played a female character and befriended some Polish guy who thought he was a girl because his character was female. He told the guy that he was indeed a girl, and it was very obvious that the guy had a huge crush on him. He kept the façade up for a long time, even having me pretend to be his ‘lesbian lover’ and creating a new email account under the name of the girl he was pretending to be. When I asked him to stop, he got angry and told me that I couldn’t tell him how to live his life.
By the last month, I more or less completely hated him. I still had no confidence or self-esteem and I had no idea how to break up with someone (this was my first relationship, after all…). I would begrudgingly go over when he asked and would try not to grimace when he talked about how he was going to marry me. I would come up with excuses every time he wanted to have sex. I started getting depressed simply by knowing that I was in a relationship with him — I would just be sitting at home, not interacting with him in any way, and feel terrible, just knowing I was associated with him. It was then that I knew I had to finally gather my courage and dump him — which I made sure to do in person, because he was never good enough to do that. That was one of the best days of my life and I felt amazing.
Okay, that’s like, 2000 words. I am so sorry.
Just want to quickly elaborate on how that’s affected / is affecting me. It was my first relationship and everything I know about love and relationships came from it, so I have no idea what a healthy relationship is. There’s a guy I really like — I’ve never hit it off as quickly with anyone before and we both pretty obviously fell for each other very quickly. However, he’s told me many times that he’s pretty awkward with relationship stuff, so neither of us have actually acted on our fairly obvious feelings. He’s very honest and patient with me having trouble with relationship things. He seems to treat me differently than most people and has dropped plenty of obvious hints, but nonetheless, I can’t respond appropriately because 1) of a fear of coming on too strongly (that I’d be “too clingy” and he’d be creeped out) and 2) I need constant reassurance that he (probably) likes me, or I’ll assume he doesn’t (anymore). The concept of a relationship was introduced to me as some sort of obsession, making me subconsciously assume that a guy must not like me if he doesn’t remind me in some way or another that he does every few hours.
Okay, this is way too long. I’m gonna stop writing now. I’m really sorry and thanks so, so much to everyone who actually reads this!!
My sister was friends with someone who I now believe is a Sociopath. If she isn’t, then she has bipolar or some kind of mental illness where she needs some professional help.
It has been 4 months with no contact since the drama this person caused in my sisters life. My sister caught her in some lies and she had an excuse every time. I think this person expected my sister to just stand down, but she didn’t. This person tried to contact my sister a few weeks ago by “accident” via text, telling her a couple of secrets. My sister didn’t respond. On Sunday my sister received a text from the Spath with a half-ass apology/excuse for her behaviour. My sister didn’t reply. This morning at 4:55am we started to get prank calls via our landline. It just went on for a good hour. I told my sister not to answer it anymore and I turned the answering machine off. Our luck, the phone started to ring. The call ended and I pressed *10#, which advised us of the last missed call. I wrote the number down and showed my sister. We were unable to find anybody in our phone books with this number but my sister thought it sounded familiar. So I blocked my mobile phone number and, put it on speakerphone, and the person didn’t answer it. It went to voicemail which announced who the person was. Problem solved. We were surprised that the person who was pranking us was an ex-friend of my sisters. He was also friends with this Sociopath’s husband a while ago. A lot of stuff happened with the Spath and they no longer were friends. We believe that this ex-friend developed anxiety. We think that the Sociopath got angry that my sister wasn’t responding so started to cause problems with this ex-friend again, who in turn, thought my sister was somehow involved, and started to do this. No doubt his anxiety was triggered by contact from the Spath.
These people are very hard to get rid of. This ex-friend of my sisters, he used to be a good guy, so I feel sorry for him that he is being dragged into this mess again. I know that we can’t prove that the Spath is involved but, to me, it is too much of a coincidence not to be.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories and making me feel part of a “community”. A pattern I see here is that sociopaths target REALLY SMART and successful women. I have a masters degree and work one office job and one part time job for “fun”. Sociopaths tend to be witty and smart themselves and I find their charm paralyzing. I have dated three of them. (I can’t seem to learn.) One of them, whom I just can’t seem to shake is dating a lawyer right now (but still coming around to see me on the side). They target SMART women.
I’ll tell you a little about the current one. His behavior is egregious:
– Met him through friends. Dated for a summer pretty exclusively (although, who knows how “exclusive” it really was). I went away for a month, training for a new job, and I came back and he told me he wanted to just be friends. All of a sudden, a bunch of women started to show up and leave flirty comments on his facebook.
– I continued to see him, half-ass. He always had an excuse and was always late to meet me. Sometimes he would be so loving and sweet and other times, he seemed indifferent and didn’t want to be bothered with me. Jeckyll and Hyde. I would be so sad that I hadn’t heard from him in months, and all of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky I would get a text “I miss you!” or “I want to see your gorgeous face”.
– He borrowed a large sum of money from me. He still owes me quite a bit, but has made small (and very irregularly timed) payments over the course of about two years.
– He has been fired and/or quit about 6 jobs in the 3 years I’ve known him. Often, I would pay for dates because I felt sorry that he lost his multiple jobs.
– We went away together on a trip and he told me “never ever check me in on facebook. I don’t like people knowing where I am.” Later he admitted to me, the other girl (actually a couple of them) were inquiring why he was at a bed & breakfast with a girl (me).
– In fact, we’ve been on several trips (my job provides travel benefits, so of course I was footing the bill). One time we went to dinner and spent a fun day in another city and he ended up meeting up with “an old friend” and he “just walked her home” and I was in the hotel room by myself waiting for him all night, not even sure if he planned to make the flight the next day because his phone died.
– This was a pattern. I kept agreeing to go away and he would either disappear or be in a hurry to get back and I would see him texting one particular other girl the entire time we were away. One time he left me alone in another city so he could return home. We were flying standby and there was only one seat left. He gladly took it without apology.
– He practiced alarmingly unsafe sex with a variety of women. I learned that I had contracted an STD (a treatable one) from him. I got treated and notified him. He seemed indifferent. I am pretty sure he hasn’t told anyone else he is involved with.
– He got evicted last year from his apartment for not paying rent. He rented a space with a friend for awhile, but now it is pretty clear that he lives with this other girl.
– He is really handsome and charming and smart. He talks in a soothing voice and he is eloquent with is words. He is cultured and bright. It is difficult to believe he is capable of such cruelty and manipulative lies.
I don’t know why it is so difficult to shake him. The one I dated before him told me his grandmother was in the hospital, and meanwhile he was on vacation in Argentina with another woman. This was when “myspace” was popular, and I could see her page and her posts. I suspected, so I emailed her to see if she knew how his grandmother was doing. Poor thing was heartbroken, as was I. There was no sick grandmother. Just a vacation that had now turned into a dismal trip with a manipulative liar. It took me about three years to finally stop wanting to be involved with him. So maybe I am close to the end with the current one too. The third sociopath I dated was really mean and I have blocked a lot of the memories. I was involved with him for a much shorter amount of time.
** I call them “guys I’ve dated”, because they would never call me “girlfriend” or say “I love you”, even though we would spend every single day together during certain segments of our relationship.
If anyone knows a good way to completely rid my life of the current sociopath, please let me know. I would like to move on. I believe the negative energy is blocking me.
Thank you for reading and allowing me to share my story.
I am at day 10 post since split number 3…
This site has been invaluable… it has made me understand what he was. I am still very much in the fog of confusion and as such my thoughts are fairly disorganised about it all. It all came to a head ten days ago when the friend who I had fought so hard to regain (he had I realise now cleverly and insidiously driven a wedge between us) had fallen out with him, he had been behaving oddly for some weeks towards her in the run up to her 40th party…which I was to also attend…He fell out with her purposely that day I feel to stop us from going and potentially talking and being more friendly… when I look back I see that this happened on any and every occasion we would organise meeting. His tantrums were so silly and pointless (about the fact she had had to call him back because her parents turned up..) that I was embarrassed… it was one thing to have these meltdowns at me but to have them at my friends also was too much… And I told him what I thought of him for being so horrid the day of her party..this did not go down well and he raged at me then too. I told him I would go anyway… He was full of vitriol and anger and wanted me to drop everything there and then and see him instead… after all he was ‘hurting’ his phrase….
I refused and told him I thought he was being an arse and went to the party, generally ignoring his messages… He turned up at the party sad a brief hello to my friend.. and then proceeded to lay into me…pulling me to one side asking me again and again to show commitment to him there and then. Physically trying to get me to submit in front of everyone. I refused. His face changed he picked up a glass and went as though to crush in in his hand…i know see this was the classic ‘narcissistic rage’, he stuffed it in his pocket instead and left under a cloud… He is a big man, a very big man… 6 ft 8 and well built, I began to see his really is capable of anything when enraged. The next day I answered his texts which again were all about me committing and when I said I was having space he suddenly turned up in a crazed state, demanding over and over I show my commitment to him there and then… when i wouldn’t he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and put it in his pocket (he always threatens to harm himself when things not going his way – anyone else have this?) I retrieved it and told him not to be so stupid, when I stayed firm he went outside and smashed my car window, shouting – ‘Now you are not going anywhere’. He then rang me and my friend suggesting that after the incident he was bleeding so heavily from his injury (there was blood) that he was bleeding to death somewhere….! He allowed us to think this all afternoon…
This was the end for me, this level of violence from him was new, his narcissistic rages which were once more contained were now huge, and very scary. Since this incident I have not seen him, I got the police involved, I received threats on my name and against my friends and family. I backed down, on the promise he would leave me alone… He hasn’t… the smear campaign has now started in abundance and yet he is also trying to love bomb me in texts… I am disgusted, confused, hurt, angry, sad…. I see he never truly loved me now…he was just using me…but it hurts so much, I loved him so much and he took all he could. The man I met at the beginning was so charming, like everyone else says here… so full of love, so fun, and little by little he took my confidence, friends, self worth away until I had no idea where I was anymore… I feel I am lucky that he did something so violent that I came to my senses… and also that I refused to let him drive the ultimate wedge between me and my friend so that when we were able to compare notes we both saw the extent of his lies…. I feel sure she was just another supply for him now…I now can only hope that he will leave me alone … and I will be able to heal…
it was the sunday before christmas 2012, after working all day in the salon i own, i decided to treat the staff to a well earned drink,
we went to a few bars having a laugh and a drink in each bar, celebrating we had finished work until after the festive period ,
by the time we had reached the last bar we where all in good spirits ,
as the boss it was my round again.. and the staff deserved it after a busy december,
as i approached the bar i spotted a client and started to chat with him, he introduced me to his friend my soc a very handsome well spoken man , and from what i could tell very educated and charming, he had the most amazing eyes and a smile to match , that smile could have melted anyones heart, as i was to learn later in his words he was “the smiling assign ” he said he could kill with his smile.
after leaving my marriage the summer before, id had a summer of being foot loose and fancy free, and had begun to tire of being hung over every wk end and until seeing my sociopath had no intentions of getting into another relationship at this point in my life,
after a few drink and some banter i invited ( the salons client) and the soc back to my house for a few more drinks,
found the soc hypnotic , and seemed gentle and so funny i fell for his charm, he stayed the night,
we talked until the early hours , it was so nice to meet someone who wanted to no everything about me,
he told me things about his past that shocked me and made me feel like i was being trusted with his tales of abuse, and hardship, his awful relationships where because he was working so hard his partners had always ended up cheating on him, how all his friends used him because of his generous nature,and how he’d been the bread winner in every relationship as they all took the piss out of him,
how he found it hard to trust after what he’d been through, and how the burn scar he tried to keep covered got there, from his strict controlling father,
stores of years of abuse with the most horrific of punishments over a child’s mistakes , such as after throwing a snow ball and breaking a window . was made to lay naked in the snow for 4 hours!
un yet the soc could only see the good in this abuse and said it made him strong and a surviver, having a child myself and the fathering in stink coming out in me the stories stuck in my head and the sick feeling i already held for his dad,
i could quite understand how anybody could see the good in this horrific abuse, after speaking to a client who worked with abused children , she told me the abused child would never blame the abbuser and would alway try to stick up for the mother or father in this case,
this information just made me feel for him more , in some way i felt i could help heal him i suppose, i wanted to wrap him up and hold him, and tell him how amazing he was to go through all that and to be thrown out at 17 for being gay and left to forge a life for himself and and now hold a bank managers role , i really took my hat off to him, he really was a surviver of life, un yet seemed to have so much love to give
we met again on christmas eve and ended up in bed again , talking till 5 in the morning, how he’d taken a year out of banking and after an amazing year was ready to get back to the financial world, he missed so much,
how he’d brought a property with his best friend who was also his ex , just so his friend could get onto the property market, as the soc already had property else where,
what a totally unselfish thing to do , especially as his ex had cheated on him in the past,
the horrific story that the same ex had slept with his brother as the soc had kindly let him stay at there apartment ,
what you need to understand at this point is iv never really been into the gay scene , with having my little girl and just coming out of a 12 year relationship , part from the odd night out with friends iv never seen the scene as seedy or nasty , so i suppose to hear the soc way of talking about it ,i was gob smacked, jesus! was there anyone in this city who hadn’t sleep with each other!…. or any member of the gay community who hadn’t stole another mans boyfriend or his money,
this made me in a shameful way detest the scene and the people on it , the soc seen this as another thing we had in common now , we both hated it, this made us closer and have a connection in his eyes,
Now is is where everything starts to get interesting and the start of my sociopaths games begin, having not dated for a very long time i guess i convinced myself his behaviour that was to come was normal for dating now a days ,
it started with silly thing, i can remember us deciding to have a night in with some horror dvds and some food,
while busy with clients i ran out to fetch food and dvds , really looking forward to having a night in ,
i finished at 5 and text the soc who was having a drink with friends , LET ME NO WHEN YOUR 20 MINUTES AWAY AND IL PUT THE FOOD IN X”
the soc replied OK WONT BE LONG CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU X,,,, about 7 o clock a text came through ON WAY X….
now i live about 5 minutes from town so i put the food in and waited for him to arrive, half an hour later i rang him, no answer, so i text him WHERES THIS TAXI COMING FROM LONDON LOL X… another reply ON WAY X….. another 20 minutes past , i called again this time he answered,
me” where are the the foods done”
him ” just getting changed ”
me ” you said you where o your way an hour ago”
him ” alright grumpy i might not bother”
me ” leave it then ”
him ” this is a settling in period , where we learn to balance friends and boyfriend now stop being grumpy”
at this point i was so annoyed i put the phone down threw the charcoal remands of food the the bin and lay on the sofa in a mood ,
ten minutes later the soc was at the door making me feel in the wrong and telling me to relax and i needed to get use to his laid back app ouch to everything, “wheres the food ” he said, in the bin , its ruined, ” if it will stop you being grumpy get it out and il eat it,
well this was like a red rag to a bull with his sweet smile on his face, so i did and asked if he needed a folk …. this sent us into laughter and with out me noing it this was his 1st step to controlling me , and making me question myself ,”did i have a right to be annoyed?” was i being grumpy over nothing?….. later i was to learn he would have me questioning myself on everything i did or didn’t do.
things where good for a while, the soc wouldn’t let me pay for much, which i found hard to deal with after being the bread winner in a relationship for so long, and we use to have to race to pay for dinner, id sneak to the loo and pay on the way so he couldn’t , it felt nice it felt like we where on an even keel with each other,
soon after the christmas period the soc was job hunting , and told me of all the offers he had coming in, he took a job in sales selling ascot race days to companies for there staff and so on. he even rang me to try to sell me one !… after about 2 wks he decided it wasn’t for him and left , later it came out he’d only been there 2 days but had dressed every morning for a day at the office and just pretended to go for some reason`!….
things still seemed good the soc stayed more and more , as i said i was new to the dating game and hadn’t realised that until you both say you are a couple that your just seeing each other… it was all greek to me, so we had the conversation , its official we are a couple.
when i think back i got the strangest reactions from people who id bump into ,,,, ” i where your seeing xxxxx”……. yes id reply :why? they’d ask. not the normal response you expect from people.
the strange this was XXXX has lived in leicester for years and we shared lots of friends and new the same people but our paths had never crossed , in the 1st stages of love i foolishly seen this as a sign and XXXX totally agreed it was meant to be , the stars had decided we should be together,
at the time i thought it was amazing , everything that interested me interested xxxx I’m fascinated with religion , and how everyone sees it , I’m not a church goer myself but the architecture and religious building are beautiful to me as are religious icons , and to my surprise xxx shared my fascination, and like me one day would love to convert a church to live in,
after staying at xxxx apartment for the 1st time i was shocked and horrified to see a real grave stone in his bathroom ! not just a grave stone a child’s grave stone, it was over a hundred years old but still its a child’s grave…he laughed as he told me he’d carried it on his head after steeling it from the grave yard then washed it in the bath! and xxxxx wanted to make a cheese board out of it! i was taken aback by it to say the least , but i was slowly falling in love with this man and I’m ashamed to say it in my eyes he was already on a pedestal with me,
you see XXXX had told me he loved me after about 2 wks of seeing each other, and tried to get me to say it back, which at the time felt quite endearing to me, i wasn’t going to say the three most important words in the world to someone until i had no doubt that i was head over heels in love with him… plus the fact XXXX threw those three words around quite a lot, to taxi drivers, bar staff , shop keepers. anyone really so i had to me sure he meant it when he said it to me, you can kill some one from the inside if you throw i love you at them and it have no meaning , i no I’m going through it now,
looking back XXXXwould always say “i love you loads”…”do you hate me yet….you will”…i saw this as just an insurcuraty and did my best to reassure him that id never hate him…hate is a horrible word and we can say we hate someone when if we really look inside ourselves hate isn’t a word i can say i feel for anyone ,
time past and things seemed good, XXXX liked a drink and we where having a drink most nights , after a bottle or two XXXX would start talking funny, saying thing like, he was here for a greater purpose, with his biblical name and now he’s met another with a biblical …. we are here for a greater thing, i would laugh and take it as drunken talk,… and when i reminded him the next day he couldn’t remember and he’d Lough and say id made it up,
i think he used wine to hide his mask slipping, as the episodes got more and more crazy, i can remember on bonfire night wed had a glass of wine and lay in bed , suddenly he jumped up and said he needed some water,, after 10 minutes i went to look for him and he was stood in the door way, when i sled him what he was doing . he said” this is the safest place to be when bombs go off” looking back this should have been a warning sign but i laughed and he laughed and we went back to bed
XXXX got a new job with a mortgage company, we loved it and settled in, and quickly became popular with his new work team, with XXXX charm and charisma it was hard not to fall under XXXX spell and he was a hard worker,
the bar we drank in wasn’t very nice, i thought the people in there where all a little unhinged but XXXX said they had all had a had life growing up gay and it was like a little family and he liked it there,
he text me from work saying the owner of the bar had asked him to cover a shift for one night as a favour and as XXXXX would do anything for a friend he agreed,
i was a bit put out if I’m honest as we had plans for the night but, i said ok id nip in for a drink on my way home to see him,
as it turns out he’d asked for a job but just kept texting me saying it was a favour this turned into 4 nights a wk and most wk ends, now XXXX had said to me the people who worked in bars either wanted to get wrecked for free or wanted to steel from the bar…(his words not mine) so which one was he?… the lies about the bar job kept coming , one afternoon he said the owner was ill and had asked him to work, i walked in for a drink and sat with the owner laughing and joking, i looked at XXXX and he just looked straight through me,
he’d ask me to wait till the end of his shift for him, then just before accuse me of looking at someone or talking to someone and i should go home alone. which i did most night upset, noting full well id get a call a few hours later saying he was on his way to my house , needless to say he’d never turn up, it was his way of checking i was at home and alone,
the following days after each night he’d text as if nothing had happened and say he’d had a drink and was just being silly,again making me question myself about my as i seen it normal behaviour .
i really didn’t like the fact that XXX was working in a gay bar, but said nothing it wasn’t my place today where he could work or not,
i later found out he’d worked in most of the bars in town and had been asked to leave all of them after a short time,
during this few months it was horrible when i did see him he was that tired he’d come round and fall asleep for hour ,but just being near him i thought was enough,
i met him and his flat mate and friend for a drink and a holiday was planned to gran canary , i personally hate the place but though it would be nice to be away with him, thinking we could have nice relaxing days together and meet for dinner and drink in the evening with his friends , this turned out to be the holiday from hell , but more of that later,
so we set about looking for holidays some how i became the booking boy, ring g round trying to see who wanted a case checked in and who wanted to fly from where, this was made twice as hard as i wasn’t allowed his flat mate and exs phone number because he’d contacted all of XXXX boyfriends for sex at some point so all booking had to come from his flat mate to him then to me,
so the holidays booked , the other two have transferred there payment into my account , XXXX says he’s put 1/2 in and will pay the rest later..and like a fool i trusted him, the money was never put into my account in the 1st place,
leading up to the holiday, XXXX was asked to leave the bar job, thank god… at least that would cut some of the drama from our lives i thought!
so everyones getting ready for the holiday, on the thursday before myself and XXXXwent shopping for some last minute holiday stuff, we went to XXXX bank so he could draw out some money,
only to be told that his account had been breached and he could not draw money out, i stood with him as he argued for hours over the phone trying to get his account sorted,
i felt sorry for him , the bank that he once worked at had froze his account over what he said was someone trying to put money into it , not trying to take it out,
later i was to learn that XXXX had actually been asked to resign from his bank managers role for miss selling and other stuff, and i was to learn that all banks would rather employees that have wronged the banking world go quietly with references and full pay , as the banks don’t want bad publicity in the press incase it starts an out cry and we all draw our money out as we think its not safe
and i was to find his account had been blocked because he’d fraudulently drawn down some of his pension to pay for his ‘year off’ … with out paying the tax on it…..you would think by now alarm bells would be ringing in my ears wouldn’t you ?….no not stupid loved up me, XXXX managed to make me feel sorry for him over the whole miss understanding with the bank and he would be complaining forth with!
so with no cash the holiday was on 1 minute off the next,
he managed to get at some of his savings for holiday money… this again turned out to be a lie and he’d borrowed it from a friend , who not that i can say for sure but, it was probably never returned,
so the holiday arrived wet all waiting for the taxi to take us to the airport, i rang the taxi firm iv used for years to arrange it, he pulls up gets out the car and refuses to take XXXX as he took a taxi from my house the wk before and jumped out without paying! pleading his innocence he turned it on me saying:how many fucking men leave this house” obviously now i no it was one of his distraction technics once he’d been rumbled , he always needed to move the blame or distract it away from him,
after sorting the taxi driver out, we arrived at the airport , a full english and a pint , standard holiday start, lol…then XXXX drank and drank…. he sat on the plain wasted to the point i thought he was going to start getting angry, i managed to keep him calm with some embarrassing looks as he thrashing round his seat like he’d had some kind of fit…
the plane landed i managed to get XXXX through customs and to the baggage claim, he immediately started kicking off , wanting to leave the other and get a cab to the apartments we had booked, why? when we were all going the same way? in the cab he was a nightmare biting me and making sure even though it was cramped in the back seat that i wasn’t in anyway touching his friend next to me , pulling at my leg as if to keep me away from him,
the apartments where disgusting and as cheap as they where i wouldn’t have kept a dog in there, XXXX still drunk suddenly turned into the sex pest from hell, demanding sex as soon as the door was closed, and lets just say he didn’t smell the cleanest after using the on board loo on the plane, i managed to get him in the shower and i little sober , in thought now the holiday could start, as bad as the apartments where i thought, lets make the most of it,
that evening we went for food and some drinks and all seemed well , we had an early night and the boys went clubbing, the next morning id had enough of the apartment it really was disgusting , so we walked round trying to find better accommodation , as luck would have it the hotel that id stayed in on a previous holiday had vacancies so i paid and we went to get our belongings to move to the new hotel,
he told the boys we where going and if they wanted the same rate they could, but they wanted to stay, this caused arguments between XXXXand his flat mate , according to XXXX , saying i was trying to split the group up! even though we where 5 minutes down the road! and anyway they could come and use the pool rather than the one at the apartments next to the motor way,
some more friends where arriving the next day, XXXX drank heavily and that afternoon his sex demands started to get really weird , he wanted me to cut him , and carve my name in his back, he wanted me to hurt him and have sex over and over again, to any man reading this i bet there thinking lucky lad,,,, but it got quite scary, and there was nothing behind Mathews eyes as he demanded these things,we started arguing and i went down to the pool to cool of from the argument, where his friends where relaxing, one went to talk to him , even then he lay naked on the sofa not even truing to cover his dignity, swigging a bottle of vodka.
after a while i returned to the room to see if he’d calmed down, he had but now he was in sarcastic drunk mode , so i left him in the lounges and went to lay down to read,
after a while i started to feel my self falling asleep , XXXXX came and layer behind me, and i saw this an an olive branch and put his hand in mine and told him i loved him. the next minute my back was wet and warm… he was pissing up my back! and laughing,
this was the last straw not even 48 hours into the holiday and i had this! i packed my stuff i wanted to go home, he went down to the pool as i searched for a flight, 5 minutes later he was back, this was the 1st s attack on me so far , he was shouting and screaming, the pictures where off the wall , the apartment was trashed, the police arrived, i managed to open the door, as i turned round XXXX was cowering on the bed crying , saying “get him off me get him off me” … i stood therein amassment at his acting skills.
the police asked for our passports , i gave them mine where as XXXX just lay there saying get him away get him away… they dragged him from the bed and demanded his passport, and to be honest i was shocked as they started hitting him for not cooperating , he gave in and sat in the bed like he was the victim, being very polite and giving me looks of hurt,
the police said you can sort this out now or come with us, i asked XXXX and he said with tears in his eyes , eel sort it i love you., as i showed the police out and went to close the door he was off the bed running towards me again with hate in his eyes, so i opened the door and he ran smack into the police who had just left, they took him away, ,,,, i packed his stuff and left it at reception and called his friend to collect it, if i couldn’t get a flight home then id have to sit it out and wait,
after laying in the apartment for hours i got a call from one of his friends ,” he wants to see you”.. i went down to the stairs of the hotel and he just started verbally attacking me again so i walked off back to my room , 3 times i walked down those stairs and 3 time the same thing over and over again…. how can you tell someone you love them and in the same breath say the most vile things to them?
eventually he calmed down , i let him back into the room and he was full of remorse , and the sorry kept coming thick and fast,we talked and he was sober for the 1st time in 3 days,
the next day he felt ill , so for the whole day we where in the apartment with the blinds pulled as i looked after him , being a nurse maid, that evening he felt better, and said he’d rather not drink after how ill he felt today, we went for dinner and met everyone else later in a bar, piece was restored…. so i thought, XXXX started drinking again and the laughter was flowing, he was holding my knee and kept pecking me on the cheek, then something switched inside him, his hand moved away and that empty look was back behind his eyes, i leaned in to kiss him and he pulled away, saying”you fucking slag”…. i got up and went it was embarrassing , i went back to the hotel.
i was asleep when he got back , as soon as he was through the door he started again punching and kicking saying id slept with is friend , how i don’t no id been with him all day! he grabbed my phone and smashed it to the ground , “call the fucking police on me would you” i ran from the apartment to reception for the police to be called,
theres no way he was coming back to the apartment this time,
the next morning no one had seen him, i went for a walk to see if he was in a cafe or anything, and there he was saying he’d been inside all night with the police, this was i lie as there where no holding cells in our resort, still full of rage shouting and calling me a slut, i rang his friend to say id found him so they could come and take him back to the other apartments ,
i got back to the hotel and broke down how the hell could someone you love so much turn into this monster, and say such hurtful things ,,one of his friends lent me a phone which luckily had the same network as mine so i could at least keep contact with them,
the next minute my phone rang . it was the client screaming down the phone ” he kicking my door in come quick”… i jumped ion a taxi, In XXX mind i was in the apartment with the client even though my hotel was 5 minutes away … i stood behind him as he screamed my name through the door as he tried to kick it in, “I’m here XXX” i said, in his mind id clime off the balcony down the drain pipe and round and back in the door! jesus he thinks I’m James bond now! so we stood in the street screaming at each other , his friends stood there saying ” thats just XXXX” what did they mean they’d seen it all before , and not horrified or sickened by it?… i left them to him, he really isn’t my problem anymore,
i returned back to the hotel, and once again tried to look for flights out of there,
,
again i drifted in and out of sleep id been her for 3 days and was still as white as a sheet up to now all id seen was the same walls for what seemed like forever,my phone rang again.”he wants to see you” so some reason i went to the bar they where in and ordered coffee , he sat there calling me all the names under the sun and yet the next minute i love you… 3 time i got up to walk away the last time i did. why did i keep putting myself through it? i think looking back i was with his friends and new no one i might be a 38 year old father but felt like a child all alone in a place i didn’t want to be , and couldn’t talk to anyone back home as i didn’t want to cause worry for anyone, that night was a long night i had no contact from any of his friends and in a way this was worse . as he ok`? had he flipped out again?
the next day i got a call , “please met us at the beach they’d locked him in the apartment and he’d slept for hours, he was sober with rested , i arrived and he was like the old XXXX the one i loved , he takes , we cried “if you ever raise your hand to me again xxxx ” i said realising now it was falling into the ears of a very disturbed man ,
so for the last 48 hours of the holiday things where good, we went off on our own and had what i thought a real holiday should be,
i was so relieved to be on the plain home and couldn’t wait to land, XXXX was being his old self and the laughter and love returned to us, hew tried to tell me it was because he felt out of his comfort zones,how he hated to take time off work, how he was jealous even though id never given him a reason to be , how its because he’s never been in love like this before and it scared him,
now one of XXXX weapons is sex, the sex with XXXX was amazing, the things he wanted to do i had never done ever , outdoors, bondage, his fantasies where eye opening, and he always made me feel like i was an amazing lover, where in the past id always felt inadequate through my own thought process not anything anybody had ever said,
some of his fantasies where a bit way out , he wanted to be kidnapped taken to the woods and tied to a tree before being forced to have sex… this was a lot to take in ,
this fantasy would come up again later in the summer but as a tale he told me that had happened to him and he was rapped in the woods, i looked at him blankly and said you asked me to do that to you, and now your saying this horrific thing was done to you and you find it hard to get over” … he said he’d never asked me and that i was lying , i let it go so not to cause arguments,
while my phone was being fixed XXXX lent me his old i phone , it was still full of photos from before we met, i felt uneasy , everything he said he wanted us to do as a couple there where photos and videos of him and an ex doing, nothing seedy , just like getting a log cabin in the woods, having long country walks, and photos of things Mathew thad done for him ,massive signs saying i love you , for some one who hadn’t dated for a while and who had never been this much in love , this was all very odd,
again i put this to the back of my mind, as XXXX said that was the past and not our future together ,
we stumbled across some old houses that where to let , amounts the old castle grounds of leicester, after enquiring about them we would need to set up a business and lease them , then we could do them up and live in 1 and let the other, they where so beautiful and i suppose i was in love with the idea, as much as i was in love with XXXX, we talked for hours how perfect they would be , he drew in my mind the open fire on our home, the cooking dinner together after work , i no it sound to good to be true… we opened the business bank account and started to make plans, behind the housed was the old motte to the castle , in all the time id lived in leicester i had never been up there ,it was breath taking, this became our place, wed speak over the park fence at night with blankets and picnics and watch the stars and talk for hour, XXXX would say he wanted to marry me on the mote , this would after all be our back garden once we moved into the house as there where private step leading up to it, i really was so in love with him and his mind , we shared the same interests in many things , we would cast silly spells from a off the shelf spell book to protect us and the houses , looking back now i was like a teenager in love, wed be on the mote for most of the summer, it felt good, it was ours,
we where like kids , one wk end a got cheap tent and we took off camping for the night walking through fields , jumping over fences , XXXX had no sense of danger and with his see what happen approach i found it exciting , we where in the middle of no where and it was getting dark , being me i started looking for land marks , not XXXX he kept walking for hours and sure enough we got back to the camp site some how.
the steeling was even visible then , he took stuff from the camp site gardens and presented it as gifts to me,
as mad as it sounds we did make some memories and not all bad,
when i look back all the signs where there, XXXX would send 30 e mail a day to me asking what we should do that night only to turn up and ask what id like to do?… how can you forget the plans you’d made hours before?… and shrug them off like the conversations never took place?\
for the rest of the summer it was just us two, we went to festivals . walked and talked for hours , XXXXX loved the out doors we would sit in the garden till all hours , wed even set the lap top up outside and watch films laying on the grass . falling sleep and waking up wet with dew,
it all seemed perfect, to me
as we walked past the church near the houses one afternoon we noticed the church was open, so we went inside as id never been into this hidden place before i was looking round and suddenly XXXX was running down the iasle withe the alter cross in his hand smiling!… i couldn’t believe it he’d stolen from a church… i ran from the church and he was behind me with the cross…
in shock he stood there “its a gift for you” …what!… I’m not a god fearing man but this is fucking wrong,… no remorse , no guilt, nothing came from XXXXX….he brought the cross to my house and stood it in the hall way , every time i walked past it i felt uneasy,
XXX told me to stop being silly its an object and nothing else, later i returned the cross to the church, and felt bad for getting a thank you email from the vicar , at least it was back in its rightful place on the alter,
XXXXX was a great one to talk of karma , and for once i couldn’t agree more a month after he took the cross the church spire started to crumble and no one was allowed near the housed or the church, it was all boarded off, for now the houses couldn’t be touched by anyone,
XXXXX strange episodes became more frequent, he hadn’t a nice word to say about anyone and would ramble on about how everyone will fall. how we should watch the empires collapse , how he was perfect and how lucky i was to have such an amazing man, id laugh and build his ego thinking this was all in jest, but it wasn’t he really thought that
he was fine when it was just the 2 of us but as soon as a third person or friends where there something switched within him and it always ended up with one of us storming off home , i remember taking him and his friends to a charity ball id sponsored, we where all dressed up .i think id been there for 10 minute before he leaned in and switched asking me what the fuck i was playing at…… id done nothing, with embarrassment i went home,
he always manage to sweet talk me round with the excuse this is why he should never drink, or its his friend make him feel insecure around me,
so in a way we became recluses only going to bars together and turning down nights out so we wouldn’t end up falling out,
the summer faded and autumn came things where good, i excepted XXXXX bazar ways and i suppose found them quite interesting,
he still and episodes , i can remember being in bed watching a film and he kept trying to push the little speaker behind the screen, thinking it was because the little blue light annoyed him i tried to turn it round so the light was facing the other way, the next minute he slammed the screen down and unplugged the speaker, saying i was trying to film him and not to watch the film it was evil and trying to draw us in… again i put it down toto much wine…
XXXXX loved being tied up for sex, id brought him some bondage stuff of e bay , playful stuff, one night he asked be to tie him down, as i put the leather cuffs on his ankle he freaked out ” get them off me get them off me”…. so i did them he asked to see them, in his mind they had explosives on them and i was going to blow his feet off! again i laughed it was like a scene from a horror film in his head,
i made a joke saying i haven’t got time to be pushing you round with no legs mr!…and he laughed back making me think it was all a joke, a sick one but a joke.
in the middle of november id started research some of his odd behaviour online, he had all the traits of a narcissistic or a sociopath , I’m not an expert ,but the more i read the more he fitted the bill in a very text book way, i kept it to my self and looked for ways to help him, could i make him feel more secure, was it my fault me switched back and forth between what seemed like two different people?
i suppose the caring side of me wanted to mend what i thought his parents had done to him all those years ago,
i remember it like it was yesterday, 14 Th. november 1013. we woke at XXXX apartment, on a sunday morning and XXXX seemed odd, erratic and unable to make a decision on what to do . go for a walk, cook, dinner,watch a film,… he hadn’t had a drink so where was this coming from. XXXX even walked different when he was in this mood, one side of him was like a lost child who needed love and support , the other was this hate filled higher entity that needed no one, i was uneasy and watched his every move, we walked to my house and he still couldn’t make a discussion on what to do, so i said i was was hungry , walking to the shops Mathew was erratic, I’m not the most comfortable person with public affection and nor is he , but suddenly he’s grabbing and kissing me in the street, grabbing me in the shop shouting i love you down the isles , we got the stuff to make toad in the whole and he made me promise that id let him cook it as i relaxed , anything to keep him happy thought
i could feel the tension raising , i put the tv on as xxxx started to cook. i walked into the kitchen , only to witness XXXX cracking egg after egg into a bowl I’m no cook but 9 eggs in a Yorkshire pudding is not right , and XXXX was a trained chef!….. the meal was disgusting, you cam imagine baked egg with sausages in it, i ate some then started to clear up, Mathew layer on the sofa , i went and sat on the sofa and stroked his hair as he dosed , yet again he kicked off…” everyone will fall “….”watch them fall” the dirty gays will all fall……
id heard enough , “i want you to leave XXXX … leave my house” why why why….. your scaring me and I’m asking you to leave . he wouldn’t the next minute I’m pinned against the wall his hand round my throat, he let me down then the games began, any one who’s human will raise there voice in an argument to defend themselves , not XXX , and he would try to play mind games ” why are you raising your voice ,got something to hide”…. why are you crossing your arms …being all defensive, why you moving around , because your lying,
id had enough i called the police , he was shouting down the phone stop hitting me stop hitting me, un yet he still sat there in my house , he eventually left, i called the police back to cancel the call, unbeknown to me because they can here shouting they still send someone out, they left and i got text messages from XXXX “have you calmed down yet mr?do you want me to come back now grumpy, ! no i don’t we are finished , good bye, the text kept coming and i ignored them , the next day i was at work in another city , i hadn’t had a text all morning and this made me uneasy , i think i new him well enough now to no that no new is bad news, then at 2 o clock ping my text message, hi mr, thought about what you said there is no going back, but friendship would be good if we’ve both got time for it, have a good week I’m off to the gym, if you want to catch the christmas lights being switched on then cool if your free, replied ok mr, enjoy gym have a good wk, thinking stupidly that was that. another text then another each time i didn’t reply with an open text, just short and friendly to end the conversation, somehow i new i was waiting for the other XXXX to text me , suddenly “ping there it was….. can you just fuck me as a mate i don’t trust anyone else…. i replied , sorry mr not really my thing,,,,, the next text was horrific and read as follows
IF YOU DO NOT COPERATE I WALL CALL THE POLICE
YOU RAPED ME AND TIED ME DOWN UNDER MY WILL
YOU TOOK ROPE OUT WITH YOU TO KIDNAP ME
I HAVE THAT ROPE WITH YOUR DNA ON IT
I WANT MY STUFF BACK FROM YOUR HOUSE
IV GOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO SEND YOU DOWN
YOUR A RASPIEST AND A PATENTAL KILLER
I WAS TO CONTROLLED TO EVER ESCAPE
after another 45 text messages from and voice mails as i worked , i left for home for the whole journey my phone ringing again and again, as soon as i was home id call the police to report it,
about 2 mile from home the phone stopped , nothing not a missed call or a text, perhaps he’d passed out or just given up?
i was just coming off the motor way when i got the call, my house had been burgled and fucking queer painted on the windows , i pulled up shaking , my front door smashed in , red paint everywhere , the police entered 1st i took a deep breath and walked in, waiting to take in the carnage that was once my home,
inside nothing apart from my laptop gone and i pad , and a picture he brought me had been smashed , not a draw open nothing, the police immediately said this is not a burglary this is a hate crime,
i was in shock as i made my statement , i tried to show the police the text but they just said they’d seen worse and not to worry about them… not worry! i was being accused of rape and kidnap!…
still in shock i tided up the mess just leaving the paint for the forensics the next day, i even stood gluing the picture back together , i suppose shock does silly things to us all. i couldn’t sleep.would he be back? it was 1am i was on the sofa thinking if i sleep down here iv got a better chance of hearing if anyone comes to the door, id patched it up for the night but still felt venerable, one good kick and it would be in again, there was a knock at the door , i leaped up, it was the police they’d seen the light on and called to let me no Mathew was in custody for another offence and would be charged for the burglary in the morning ,
in a way i still felt for him , we’ve all done stuff we regret when a relationship end , and after regretted it, at least for tonight he could cool off in a cell,
the next day i got a call XXXXX was out on bale and had been told not to contact me , they had is phone and where doing investigations
he walked past the salon with that smile a few time that day,
i heard nothing from him, apart from he was in the bar telling people he had been arrested for breaking my ribs and how was i standing after that… if it mad him feel more of a man then let him get on with it, i no the truth, and plus i was embarrassed id got to the age of 38 wit out ever having to call the police and now they where on speed dial!….
the days past then i got an email from him about the houses , what did i want to do with them, what did i want him to do with them,
i suppose i enjoyed it after all i was still grieving the loss of the relationship . we e mailed and he kept saying the house wasn’t him, stupidly i agreed to meet him, in secret because of his bale, we talked and he said the police where having a laugh with him over it and said he shouldn’t worry! … and that he doesn’t hold grudges and he’d forgotten about it! forgotten ! how the hell can you do that!…
he cried his eyes out saying he missed me, he has no real friends, for a few days after it was just emails, seeing how i was, seeing if i was ok .. and then wed go for walks away from town incase we where seen together , all this time he’s convincing me it wasn’t him, and that it must be someone who has a grudge against me,
we started seeing more and more of each other , hiding away in bedroom or at my house , things where strained, ok i said innocent till proven guilty , if you get let off i will stand outside naked and apologise to you , he laughed and said he couldn’t wait to see that… at the beginning of december he said his bail date had been and gone and it was all over with, i new it wasn’t id get updates weekly from the police, i new when the date was it sticks in your mind January 23rd 11am….. but i let him carry on with his story, christmas came we spent x max eve at my house packing everything you do at christmas into 1 day, putting the tree up, making mulled wine, roasting chestnut. christmas day was to be spent at my mums , she invited him only because she thought it was making me happy , he ran around buying them all gifts , christmas day was ok we ate dinner fell asleep it didn’t feel right as if i was just going through the motions of it all, we oft and went home, boxing day came and we went for a walk at brad gate park along with the other thousands of people who had the same idea that day, and things seemed ok …. just ok
for christmas XXXXX had brought me an old family bible bound in leather it was beautiful part from the fact he’d ripped the front cover off it to get it cheaper in the antique shop… again i was in shock . you’ve destroyed a bible XXXX he laughed and said it got the price down and we could get it rebound, like i said before I’m not a god fearing man but to do that to any holly book is wrong,
during dinner my sister was talking of renting a house with her partner suddenly XXXX piped up, i tell you what , you have js house rent free , j will move in with me and save for a deposit to buy somewhere , with that smile on his face!… i sat at my families dinner table lost for words , when we got back to my house , i said you gave my house away ! if i wanted to rent it out i would , but not for free and when i was ready… his answer!….. your family are grabbing bastards they use you she would even take your house fro you for nothing , i was testing them! wf !…
going back there was the steeling from me , not a lot but still steeling,
i got ready for work and XXX waited as i showered and wed leave the house together, i new i had £20 in my wallet and i could see it poking out the top, i pulled into the garage filled the tank and got y wallet out, there in my wallet was just a corner of a £20 note as if it had been ripped that fast from the wallet it had torn off. in a confused state i paid on my card and put it down to me pulling money out of it and convinced myself it wasn’t there in the 1st place, the second time it happened, i new i had two £20 notes folded together in my pocket, after getting dressed and XXXX leaving i got the money out my jean and there was 1! how could i loose 1 when they where folded together?…..this time i new it wasn’t me, i called him .
“did you take any money out my pocket ?”
“no as if i would with only us two in the house”
an odd reply don’t you think?
i hung up i new it was him, but how could i prove it?… his daily emails started arriving, “hows your day apart from accusing your boyfriend of steeling from you lol…
at lunch time he rang me still making jokes about me accusing him,
“I’m just off to spend my £20 he laughed” the thing is i never said it was £20 that had gone missing! busted…….but was was the point of going over it again , he could argue black was blue if he had to…and told one lie to cover up another time after time, so i took to hiding my wallet all round the house before bed, thats healthy in a relationship!!!! if he needed money ask for it , i really would give someone my last pound if they needed it more than me,
his steeling became part of him, if he wanted something he took it ,we was selling mortgages at show homes one wk end and when he got back half the show home was in his bag, loads of cheap decorative tat that cost nothing . why? Why did he see it as his right to own it… he didn’t need anything he had every thing he needed ,
he would steel plants from tables outside cafes and then later present them to me as a gift from his bag! why? should i feel flattered , did he just like the thrill of taking it? … no one will ever no only XXXX.
how can you still sit and cry over someone like this? this monster , who thinks they are beyond the law?…they follow there own laws and are untouchable by any one or so they think, and in his words only god can judge him!
how can you still feel love for them and still deep inside hope that one day they will heal and be able to have feelings of emotion,
or in some way should we feel envy, the ability to hurt, and not to feel guilt or remorse for our actions …. surly this is super human…. you see what these people do to you? they make you question everything about humanity and the world we live in,
just before christmas we went to XXX home town up north to see hid family, he hadn’t seen them for 4 years even though they where only an hour away by train, i was feeling uncomfortable , i had to face his dad after all the horrific stories he had told me and his mum, how would i cope noting what i no and being a father myself, the only truth i could see with his mum and dad where they where both heavy drinkers , alcaholics his words , but to be an achaholic according to the medics you only need 1 drink every day, so if thats the case we where as well. even 1 glass of wine with dinner every day is seen as abuse,
it was strange he hadn’t seen them in 4 years and only spoken to them on the phone a hand full of time un yet he walked in had a drink and started dozing as i chatted to his mum,was this a defence against what they had supposedly done or was this the fact that if XXXXwasn’t entertained enough he got bored very easy?
another thing that struck me was all his family had very northern accents and he’d grown up there till he was 17 then moved to leicester, so shouldn’t he have a northern leicester mix accent?… where did this well spoken queens english com from? can you retrain yourself to to speak ?or was this a mask to his voice as well….
christmas came and went and XXXX episodes became more and more erratic , leading up to the 24th of january as if he was un coiling ,we argued constantly , the night of the 23rd he was doing some admin for work and i glanced over his shoulder, ” where you going at 11 0 clock tomorrow ” i said noting full well this was to answer bale… I’m starting work at 11 he said , with that cold lifeless look he had become so good at giving me,
on the mining of the 24th i said good bye and went to work , i got a call at 9.30 from CID telling me he would be re baled till the 11th of feb due to the fact evidence wasn’t back yet, i rang him straight the way, ” why did you lie about your bale date Mathew? … ” i didn’t the 1st i new of it was when they called me to regale me today! was his answer… whats the point of me carrying on arguing with someone like that its a waste of energy ,
we exchanged a few heated e mails and didn’t see each other for a few days , and then came the i miss you bull shit emails , i agreed to see him for a quick drink after work on the friday,
friday arrived , he left his bag at the salon as it was heavy and we went for some drinks to talk, i talked he sat there glazed and sealant , every time we talked it was the same, then he broke his silence
telling me i was a dirty flirt and people had messaged him that i was contacting them on face book and flirting and that they had deleted me because of it… if i didn’t believe him have a look myself. sure enough loads of long term friends had gone from my friends list! i felt sick to my stomach , id never do that so what had happened?…. looking at my face book later i realised he’d hacked into mine and blocked friends from my list through my account!
we starting shouting so i told him to fetch his bag from the salon and go home, as i opened the salon door he pushed me in and ran up to my office , the only place where there is no cameras , he was on top of me biting my hand trying to get my phone off me, i managed to get up and go down to the salon so at least he would be on camera , i called the police from the front door of the salon, as he’s shouting stop hitting me again,,,, i walked into the middle of the street like a mad man waving at the cctv so they could see i wasn’t hitting him, he sat there full of rage like a king on a thrown , being cock sure that the police would never arrive, as they walked in he switched to the charismatic XXXX , even thanking them so much for arresting him!.. they took him away , i went home and waited for the police to come and make my statement , by this time it was 2 am as i shut the door i got the most horrific pains in my chest… and pins and needles down my arm… shit this is it ! a heart attic… he’s managed to fucking kill me!
the ambulance arrived . i felt so stupid but id never had a panic attic before and luckily thats all it was ,
after a horrible nights sleep i went to work , i got the call Mathew had been cautioned and let out , can you believe that very same day came the text , from him…”HOWS YOU”! what the fuck!..
i ignored the text and had a quite saturday night , sunday, came the 1st email….i miss you….to which i didn’t reply , then the next one , man up and lets me mates il look after you man xx….
i did reply, maybe in time mr but not right now,…. the nothing for hours ,
11pm sunday night “bam’ email after email
come fuck me…
meet me tie me down and fuck me…
show me who’s boss like only you can….
ruin my ass mr……
i responded have some respect if not for yourself then for others,…… and id rather, die a slow and painful death than sleep with you,
he replied
come on man your the only man i trust
the next day i got an apology for the messages but the emails kept coming,
for some reason i kept falling for his lies and charm every time, i suppose when you love someone you look for any hope there is even if its hopeless in a way,
he e mailed me about some free tickets to a show and if i new anyone that wanted them , they where for thursday night , my reply was simple and short NO THANKS… but again after 5 or 6 emails i agreed to go with him on the friday, i stood at the booking desk as he manipulated the ticket office and convinced them they had got it wrong and the tickets where for friday and not thursday, and sure enough they apologised and gave him tickets for the friday!… all it would cost was £1 to reprint them…. i stood there not believing what i just witnessed . as we walked to a bar for a drink before the show, he started saying how disgustedted he was he had to pay an extra pound when it was there mistake!… “Mathew they where for thursday!” i said , nothing from him, does he have the ability to convince himself before convincing others?. then to stand there and make polite chit chat with the booking staff while they franticly bow to his over appoigising and demands?
we watched the show then went for a drink, i saw the switch in the bar , his eyes change , its hard to describe but his beautiful eyes almost change to empty, and his eye lids drop lower ,
he started bringing the face book thing up again, i new i needed to leave, shit! id left my bag at his apartment with my lap top in, i couldn’t flame again for another one! so i had to take his vile talk one minute i love you the next and just lay and roll over , he’d steam in my face the lick it saying he loved me`!…. we walked back to his apparent my only thought was get your bag and go, by this point he had switched back and as if nothing had been said “shell we stay at yours or mine “!….jesus ! how can you do that, i managed to get in by jet saying what he wanted to hear, i got my bag and said i was going home, the next minute I’m being ragged around the bedroom screaming your not leaving! his flat mate opened the door and i asked him to get him off me.” you can leave anytime you want to ” hr said! god is his flay mate just as unhinged as XXXX? i finally got free and fled , jumped in a cab looking like id had my clothes ripped from me in a fight.
the phone calls began , the voice mails , the text i locked the door and blocked his number from my phone,
the next day i got the e mails again, this time a different approach , whats wrong with me ? help me i love you so much, i felt like it was a urikka moment , he’s asking for help, stupid me,
i met him for a chat again he sat there like he had no voice, so i talked at him, “lets try this” why don’t we every morning, have a doubt and love email. then anything you’ve got in your head you can email it me 1st thing and then by the evening you will have not have let it build up into something its not?…. he agreed ,
this was the 10th of February , the day before his bale date,
he came to mine we lay in bed like new lovers he was gentle and kind , we made love this time he wanted me to make love not have sex, we fell asleep , in the morning he was up and dressed and out the door , no coffee nothing, i text him YOU OK?…. yes I’m late for work , ok….
the emails started not long after. now i no he was answering bale at 4pm so i think the emails where a last ditched attempt for me to agree with him to move in. so in a way he could somehow show them to the police and say look , where starting a life together,… because the was getting more moody in his e mails to which i was just replying ..WE CAN DISCUSS LATER X… i got one back after 10 minutes I CAN SEE YOUR TO BUSY TO EMAIL I WILL SORT A RENTLE FLAT FOR US AND WE CAN SORT A DATE LATER TO MOVE INX, this was the last email i had,
the clock struck 4pm on the 11th….,. i felt sick, if he gets let off for the burglary then my life is going to be hell , if he gets charged , then my life can begin again,
it was the longest afternoon of my life , i got a call at 10.30pm XXX had been charged with domestic burglary and criminal damage , and would appear in court the next morning after a night in the cells , and he was still pleading not guilty even with all the evidence against him……
i didn’t sleep. the phone call came , he had been to court and was on bale till he appeared in crown court and still pleading not guilty, the case goes on,so here i am now thinking if i write it down i will be able to put it behind me and somehow try to live again, it.
i must stress that if my narcissist is reading this and loving the attention , i would like to say everything he ever told me was a lie, so any reference to his father or exs that isn’t true then forgive me , these where XXX words to me not mine , and one more thing if the smiling assassin tries to work his magic on you….. run , run as fast as you can and do not ever look back
I’m a sociopath. I think i can understand why you people hate the sociopath. I dont know why im leaving this comment. But what i really like, i love watcing people squirm, watch as you crush them. Then say, its ok, it was just a bad day. or some lame excuss. Then i bring em back in. its like im sharpening my skills. I take it back,… i know why im posting this, ohhh how i could be there to see your faces as you read this. Isnt life a glorious thing.
You sound quite sad and lame. Most people are too busy with life to think that way. I guess you don’t have enough challenges in your own life. So you have to see other people as challenges. Do you know what this says about you? It merely says that you want to destroy others as they are everything and have everything you do not. Which is quite sad (and pathetic) really. Do you realise this?
“If you’re not playing a big enough game, you’ll throw the one you’re playing just to give yourself something to do.”
The saddest thing about this is not that the person never sees his own full potential, it’s that he doesn’t even know his own mind/motivations. Hard to push yourself when you don’t have a grasp on reality. One of my favorite quotes though.
Do you know Scarlett after the last four years. I ask myself the question, “what is reality” from a simple fraudian point of view it’s a working balance between the Id the ego and the superego.
Yet my reality radically changed for four years. Partially due to trauma and partially due to exploitation which was possible due to the trauma.
Reality is a state of mind. It’s all about perception any event could be perceived In many different ways.
The skill of the sociopath is to exploit this and to control your thinking so that it is ‘their way’. Aragh I could write an essay about this. Life is really what you think it is.
Stanger isn’t a sociopath, just so you know, just an immature child who thinks it’s cool to be ambivalent and cruel.
the same “virus”enter the site from time to time with the same story, the same script…really boring stanger
Do you think you alarm people writing what you do? It’s kind of funny, cos it’s not alarming really it’s kind of pathetic I feel sorry for you. You only feel strong putting others down If you are weak yourself. Truth.
Which is exactly what you are, a fictional character that hides & trolls behind a Strange existence.
All though, you do amuse us all here with your patterning & predictability.
I send you Love & Light as you need as much as you can take 😉
Oh & forgiveness for not being a ‘Being’ in the first place! LOL
Stranger Danger, I thinks that suits you!
PR xoxo
P.S. My Soc is about to ‘crash & burn’ as they always do so, beware of Karma cause she will definitely come your way 🙂
What you give out, you attract back!
Hi Positiva,
You said… “I ask myself the question, “what is reality” from a simple fraudian point of view it’s a working balance between the Id the ego and the superego.”
Some findings suggest the possibility of the sociopath brain not having a vital frontal “flap”, thus allowing through all impulses equally without the benefit of “filtering”. Such claims would seem to support the idea that the Id would be perceived as driving.
What’s interesting about Stanger’s comments is he begins by saying he doesn’t know why he’s posting a comment. Then he contradicts himself at the end of his post, saying he does know why he’s posting. I believe the “reality” for sociopaths may often be this back and forth, inability to stabilize on a singular path. It would make sense why a sociopath would fail to comprehend his own behaviors. It would also make sense how something more concrete—like seeing the results of their manipulations—would make more sense to them than something more complex like feeling hurt by someone not returning respect, care, interest, enthusiasm, etc.
You’re definitely right about realities being alterable by the sociopath’s lies. As you allude, we’re also capable of altering our own realities with our own thinking or, scarily, with drugs, which many are fortunate enough to overcome, but that can also turn into a permanent altered state.
Great comment as always Scarlett. I wonder why I find the mind so fascinating?
I saw the I don’t know why I am commenting and then I do… As merely short term process in thinking which is also common for sociopaths. They think often as they go along. Which is why they can become the lie. They are literally whatever they think at the time. Which for people who have been affected by them can be frustrating.
From your work point of view too, this is what happens to the employee in the workplace of one as the goal posts and demands are constantly shifting and changing.
P.S. I had to explain the meaning of Oxymoron to my Soc 😉
What a dope he was 😉
PR xoxo
Hi Scarlett 🙂
It’s smee PR 🙂
I think the Sociopath is a contradiction of themselves as mine was.
He always says he’s not materialistic & even says this to the OW who I speak with 🙂
He has everything, expensive cars, motor bike, watches, jewelry,clothes, shoes etc…
Constantly talks about his massive superannuation package so, he is a complete oxyMORON with an emphasis on MORON 😉 LOL
My ex was my friend for eight years before we got together, then we lived together for seven additional years. I thought the only thing I wanted in life was to be his wife.
Four years into our relationship, when I had helped him kick meth (or so I thought) and had supported him through severe depression and long-term unemployment (but before I allowed his brother to move in despite his drug addiction and unemployment), my sociopath boyfriend confided in me that he knew he needed psychiatric help. It was a bizarre evening: we were just surfing the internet when he said that he knew something was wrong with him and he’d known for a long time, but that he had been reading about mental disorders online and thought he had identified the problem. I immediate asked him if he had borderline personality disorder or antisocial disorder, both of which I’d read about, so I guess I already had a suspicion that something was really wrong. He confirmed my concern by saying that he thought he had antisocial personality disorder. I should’ve left then — no one who isn’t a sociopath reads the description and wonders if they are.
Being a wonderful enabler, I tried to find him a counselor. He refused to go, saying that there wasn’t any treatment and there was no point.
In retrospect, I guess things got worse after that. Probably because he told me too much and thought he gave me some level of power.
He started icing me out. He’d disappear for days, telling me that he just needed to spend time with this friend of his. He wouldn’t respond to text messages. I’d be an anxious wreck not knowing where he was, and I’d feel like it was my fault that he didn’t want to spend time with me.
I can’t count the number of sleepless nights I spent crying. But he knew how far he could push me because he’d had years of friendship and several years dating to groom me. He knew he could keep me as long as he always came home. And that worked for a really long time.
Turns out he was back on drugs. Duh. I confronted him several times and asked him directly if he was using. He’d convinced me that, no matter what, he’d never lie to me — that we had some deep understanding of one another and we could trust one another above anyone else. I really believed that he was the one person in the world who had my back and that it would be me and him together forever against the world.
He’d been lying to me the whole time. For six years. He’d never been off drugs. He finally came clean about the drugs when I threatened to leave him.
It wasn’t because he wanted to change, but because he saw that he was losing control of me and he was willing to compromise his enjoyment of meth to preserve his meal ticket.
For about ten months he stayed at home all day sleeping, complaining that he couldn’t find a job (he wasn’t looking and he wasn’t willing to apply for what he was qualified for) and that he was depressed (he was milking the last bit of contentment he could while staying home all day watching TV). Thankfully, a mutual friend finally got him a job that paid well. He loved it because he got to pretend to be someone he wasn’t — a college educated professional. Really, he was a high school dropout for a poor family.
Suddenly, he was never home again. He would go out after work, drinking with women at his office. Because he’d ruined my trust, I was suspicious and angry about all the time he was spending with other women. Honestly, if he’d never told me about the years of drug use, I’d probably have believed his lies forever. It was only because he actually admitted to those lies that I ever began to question or doubt him.
He hated it. He told me I was controlling. He told me that I was insecure. Even then, I wanted nothing more than to marry him. I spent years putting time and energy into our relationship. Then he crossed my line. I was out of town, and he said he was home. My sister called to say his car wasn’t there, and I drove back. I got home and he was gone. He was smoking pot at the apartment of one of the girls he worked with. I was livid. I moved boxes of his stuff into the street.
Yet I let him come home (again). But when I tried to talk about how disrespected I felt, he said he was annoyed to have to listen to me again. Then he told me that he smoke pot because he “fucking hate[d his] life, and [I was] a huge part of the reason why.”
I was devastated. I consulted my best friend, who told me that qualified as abuse and suggested that I leave him.
I finally had the courage to leave because this amazing guy was wooing me online. If it hadn’t been for him painting a picture of a life that didn’t involve anxiety and self-loathing, I don’t know that I’d have ever left.
That was nine months ago.
The sociopath refused at first to move out of the house (it took him six weeks). Then he moved in with MY friend from junior high, essentially turning him and his wife against me. Then he moved into an apartment in the same complex as my best friend (the one who told me to leave him). Now they hang out regularly, and my “best friend” doesn’t speak to me. She talks trash about me to the only mutual friend we still have. The mutual friend he worked with? His wife was another close friend of mine. Now the sociopath is dating her best friend.
He did exactly what you said he would — he turned everyone against me. That betrayal of people I loved has been — by far — the most difficult aspect of the break-up.
Really, I know I’m lucky. I have a strong family who have been supportive of me, and I have a few friends who’ve stayed by my side. Plus the guy who wooed me online is amazing. But I’m in therapy dealing with anxiety and feelings of abandonment. I know I’ll never be the same, but I’m working to ensure that I don’t wear my suffering like a badge forever. (By the way, I did manage to drag the sociopath to couples therapy a few times. The therapist I’m seeing is the same one. He told me in a session when I was asking him whether he thought that the ex was a sociopath that it’s very difficult to tell the difference between a sociopath and an addict because they share so many similarities, but he DID say that I am the only patient he has ever directly told to leave the relationship. So, at least I know that my therapist doesn’t think I’m nuts.)
Rationally, I know that the friends I lost are victims of his manipulation. They are his way of “beating me” for getting the courage to leave him. But I have to admit that his “winning” the friends over makes me feel crazy — they were my source of support throughout the years. They saw what I went through. They encouraged me to leave. Now they are cool double-dating with his new girlfriend?!? Shouldn’t THEY be warning her? Or do they all think I’m crazy now? In front of them, he acted like I destroyed him by saying that he was heart-broken and depressed, but he never once called me or try to work things out. I’m so dumb that all he would have had to do would have been to propose, and I’d have taken him back.
I guess I should thank him for not dragging me back into the cycle, but it actually makes me feel even worse. I feel both discarded and duped.
I struggle not to hate them all. I’m trying to learn apathy, but it’s still relatively recent and I’m still rebuilding my life. I know I’m better off without him, but on lonely nights I still get bummed. That’s when I come re-read your blog, and I feel grateful that I’m not doomed to spend my life with a liar. Thank you for sharing your story and these resources.
Welcome to the site. Yes, betrayal hurts so much as it always comes from people you love. The sociopath knows this and deliberately targets those people, knowing that it will hurt you. But you tell yourself – he is going to a lot of effort and putting in a lot of effort to get to you. Those people who have betrayed you and hurt you – well they have shown their true colours, and you are better off without them in your life (as hard as that is to come to terms with this)
When this happened to me, I was left with virtually nothing in my life, it was like my life had been burned to the ground. Today, I appreciate that those people were removed from my life. A true friend would never betray you in that way. You say that you have supportive family this is good, and its also good that you have a therapist that is supportive.
Welcome to the site. I hope that you receive good support here.
@ Erin. Don’t you just love how the Spath seems to blame you for them hating their lives? I was told by my Spath that he hates me while we are arguing. Gees, that can be so confusing, blaming you for stuff and than showing love. It really is a push-pull relationship.
I am also very sorry to hear that he has turned people against you. To tell you the truth, if people believe these types of things (which can sound very believable coming from a Spath) than maybe they weren’t real friends to begin with. My advice is don’t have any contact with these people, one day they will see what the Spath is and will come back to you. Just close that chapter of your life for now.
It is hard not to hate, but it isn’t worth your energy. After 14 months, I finally feel like I have been moving on. It does take time. I am thinking of him less, but still at least twice a day. But I have no need to make any contact, I have nothing to talk to him about. I just don’t care about what he is doing anymore. To me, this is improvement. Just be strong, be positive and keep reading this blog. It makes a huge difference in recovery!
I am currently having a functioning relationship with a clinically diagnosed sociopath. We’ve been together 9 months. Since meeting me he says ‘its almost like when I first met you, it felt like I got hit by a truck, suddenly I saw everything differently, the wrong things I’ve done to people in the past, and that I should change if I’m to have you in my life.’ He’s proved to me that I can trust him and that he has changed, and Ive tested this many times in 9 months. Although many who hear Im with a man slowly overcoming his sociopathy tell me its impossible for a sociopath to change or experience real love and emotions, I say not every sociopath is the same. He is a very intelligent man, he has manipulated and lied and hurt people in his past, but only to those who deserved it. He once exposed a man when he (using his deductions) discovered they raped a girl. It may not have been his place directly, but they intimidated him, and he used their strongest weakness against them as punishment. Personally I think what he’s done has been mostly righteous, he just hasn’t done things in the same way non-sociopaths would, as he in the past didnt understand how to be humane. Instead he’ll give bad people what they deserve in his own way, through social exposure and humiliation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m only defending my sociopathic boyfriend because he’s changing his ways and doesn’t outwardly use his ‘power’ anymore, instead he quietly comments peoples weaknesses to me now and again that he observes, for my own ears and no one elses.
Call me crazy but he is the man I want to marry. Ive never met a man like him, and to be honest he hasnt hurt me or used me, and would do anything to protect me, even if it meant going back to his old ways now and again. I’m happy with my sociopath. I guess I got lucky that he isn’t like most.
If he is a sociopath, he might be aware of his behaviour. But the one thing that will not and cannot change is his lack of conscience. He has none. Just because he is ok with you now, don’t think he will remain so, should you ever choose to leave him. Or if you fail to be controlled.
You say that he has manipulated, lied and hurt people in the past, but to ‘those who deserved it’ do you think that anyone deserves to be treated like that? There is one thing when you have hurt someone unintentionally, but the sociopath deliberately and willfully sets out to hurt and destroy. It’s not a case of if, but when.
You only know what he has told you about his past…. and his santized version of events. Remember that they are compulsive pathological liars and very manipulative.
Believe me, sociopaths only have two types of people in their lives
– Accomplices
– Victims (in their mind)
Accomplices almost always become victims at a later date. Why? They suffer from boredom that is why They also expect things to go wrong… so will often make it wrong, even sometimes so that they can be the hero to repair damage that they have caused.
You also wouldn’t know if he has hurt you…. or used you…. until much later. They are masters at deception and painting the mask of illusion. Why would he let his mask slip if he doesn’t have to?
Nine months is a short time to know someone (even if it feels like you have known him 10 lifetimes)….. I agree that there are varying degrees of sociopathy, and that everyone is an individual. However, a sociopath always follows the same pattern.
You can be with a sociopath a very long time, before you know what the real truth is.
You see… he will always be in YOUR life… you will never be in his.
I too thought my guy was different, that he would not hurt me, because “he loved me”. Eventually, he did and that’s when all the lies were uncovered. When it hits, it hits really hard.
I think that we have all thought that, that we were ‘different’ or ‘special’ to them… its rubbish and all part of the game that they play.
Ok. You’re crazy. (Or, more likely, a masquerading sociopath.). IF what you’re saying is even true, you sure didn’t “get lucky” that you’re getting played. There is no change for the sociopath, there is only adjustment to your ideals. Because you are light on character yourself, he just has to make fewer a adjustments.
Since you don’t seem to understand the concept, I’ll spell it out for you. Almost everyone in this room is smart enough to be spot another’s weaknesses and exploit them, or investigate to dig into the underlying truths of another. Integrity causes us not to exact revenge. Intelligence flags us to depart the company of the deceiving and dangerous.
I know you think you’re winning at this, but ultimately , you will lose. You’re here and able to read multiple examples of the realities of sociopathic relationships. That you 1) have the gumption to come here and claim your an exception given this company borders on blatant disrespect, and 2) that you really se to believe you are an exception says something about you (narcissist?). Either way, since you are with The Judge , capable of righteously judging all, I am certain you will get what you deserve out of this, wanted, blindsided, or not.
You can never have a functional relationship with a Sociopath.
Firstly, a Sociopath (diagnosed) is on the spectrum of disordered minds & ranks as one of the worst personalities etc…How on earth does a functional relationship take place with a dysfunctional person?
Perhaps you view dysfunction as function & that is your journey & I wish you well & I wish you a functional recovery when the ‘truth’ sets you free 🙂
The fact that he ‘comments’ on peoples weaknesses speaks volumes & he would be full aware of yours so, watch your back because he is 😦
He is watching your every move & thought & you won’t even know until you have no ‘thought’s except his!
ok so my reply is a summary i wrote, then some copying and pasting of my communications with others (including my response to a blog on this site concerning the situation), and finally a list of my observations that just further confirm my suspicious…. so with that being said, please excuse the grammatical errors and messiness of this. this is all concerning a guy i met 3 months ago and quickly weaseled his way into my life and in that short period of time left me completely shocked and scared and forced to accept just how dark another so called human being can be.
Met this guy last December. Instantly bonded. Anything I said I like, he said “I like it too”, any opinion I had, he claimed he had. This guy seemed to have everything in common with me, but only after I revealed any such things about myself. He was a mirror image. He knew how much I love my dogs, so he acted like a dog lover who showered my dogs with attention but only when I was around. Knew I was very close to my mom, so charmed her and buddied up with her. And he was soooooooo cheesy, I mean the charm from this guy was through the roof. It was sickening. Developed all sorts of inside jokes with me to create this sense of a strong bond only we shared. And at the time, I fell for every bit of it. He said he just moved here from florida that very day. He moved up here because he graduated from college in florida so he quit his job at hard rock café and moved back up here to be with family. He used to own a catering company here and was going to open it back up. This weekend I found out the truth. He never finished college, he never worked at hard rock café, he never owned his own business. He was up here because there are warrants for his arrest in florida and his girlfriend at the time found out he stole over $5,000 worth of her belongings and pawned them, so she broke all ties with him, thus leaving him homeless and without a way to get home, considering it was her friend who drove him here. She called her friend and told her to leave him up here. Anyways, of course I didn’t know that at the time. So he got closer and closer, flattered the hell out of me, acted like he couldn’t stand being away from me for more than 5 minutes. Honestly it was downright annoying. Which he picked up on and he relaxed. he starts staying here at my house more and more, i get used to letting him borrow my car all the time. He further talks me into it by cleaning it for me and what not. He claims he is out working on getting his business back up, helping out his mom, so on and so forth. I found out this weekend that he was actually out with other girls all those times. But this guy weaseled himself into free room and board and use of my car. Then he comes home after his dates and helps around the house and cooks for us and everything else. But he doesn’t lift a finger when im not around. He doesn’t even talk to my mother when im not around (my mother was living with me at the time). He neglects the dogs when im not around. So one day I do a background check on him, because in the back of my mind something just doesn’t seem right. And there were things that would happen that seemed odd to me. For example, he is driving and a woman almost walks out in front of him. He rolls down the window and screams in a most cruel tone ‘GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE ROAD YOU DUMB FUCKING CUNT BITCH”. I was immediately telling him, wasn’t that a bit harsh? I think almost getting run over was lesson enough for her. His response? He was angry because he could have hit here and could have gone to prison over it. His concern had nothing to do with her welfare. That combined with watching him around people… his charm seemed so phony and fake, and he would morph into the people around him, he would talk like them, refer to things he assumed they were interested in. just didn’t seem right. Anyways, I did a background check. Numerous arrests over the years, drugs, breaking and entering an occupied home, credit card theft, and more than one charge for all of it, along with driving under influence, on revoked license, without insurance, so on and so forth. So I immediately sit him down and ask him to explain. He said it was all years ago, and it was. He admitted fault, and explained he used to be a bad person with a horrible cocaine addiction, but he told me to check the dates again to notice none of it was recent. And he went on to explain he went to florida to go to college, work a job, clean up his act, and start over. That’s why he hates drugs. And he is now sober. But he warned me, if he is ever on drugs again, he will be that awful person and he cannot be trusted. I fell for it and appreciated his “honesty”. Meanwhile he continues to constantly borrow my vehicle for family related stuff. But he is staying gone for longer and longer, and I am annoyed. Once again I get suspicious, and I decide to dig a little deeper and see if I missed anything from his past. And I did. Stolen credit card from less than a year ago, and a domestic assault charge. In the mugshot for that one his face was beaten pretty bad. I search through his stuff he has at my house. I find morphine. He has already told me he has broken his back and it hurts often, but nonetheless at this point I have a bad image of him, so I assume he is stealing them from his terminally ill stepfather. So he gets all sorts of tasty text messages from me. He doesn’t respond much, and his responses are showing he obviously isn’t affected by anything im saying. Then I feel bad. I tell him that I remember he explained himself last time and I should expect him to do it again and I didn’t give him the chance. I tell him im sure he didn’t steal the pills, he has them for his back. He just makes fun of me and asks me to come get him to hang out and it is as though there was no conflict between us at all. He just didn’t care about the situation. But he does explain the arrests. A girl gave him her credit card to buy her cigarettes at the gas station and her jealous boyfriend called the cops and claimed he stole it. Some other girl was an abusive drug addicted psycho so when he was getting ready to move to florida he told her she couldn’t come, so she tried to stab him with a broken piece of glass in his sleep, and now she is locked up in an asylum. And of course, none of those stories are true as I recently discovered. So we move on and all is fine and good as I prepare to go to Michigan for almost a month to work at a power plant up there for my employer. He still borrows my car all day while im at work and im used to it. He still isn’t working and I gave up asking why. I knew my mom felt safer with him around so I gave him a set of keys and told him he could stay here and use my car while I was gone. A couple days before I leave, I find a half packed luggage bag of his. I ask if he was planning to come to Michigan. He said no. I asked what was up with the bag. He said he picked it up at his moms and just threw some stuff in it. Strange part is he just happened to throw overnight items in there. I tell myself im being paranoid and I let it go. Around that time I bought him a machete to clean up the brush in my backyard and he kept making jokes about how he was going to end up cutting his toe off with the thing because he was so accident prone. He ends up doing just that. He was outside cutting brush and “accidentally” swung the machete into his foot and almost took his toe off. Later I find out he intentionally hurts himself all the time so he can get pain killers because he is addicted. People who know him well have told me they have no doubt he did it on purpose. And when he walked around on his crutches, he was soooooooo proud and just soaked up all the attention. He walked up to strangers and out of nowhere started telling the story of what he did to his toe. It was just bizarre. Anyways, later I head up to Michigan for work and instantly he starts talking to me way less than usual. I was having to contact my mother to see if he was home and ok. She is telling me that he is constantly leaving with my vehicle. I end up having time off that I didn’t know I was going to have, so I gave him $200 in gas money to drive up to see me (i live in the south). He stays up there for a few days, uses all they $ I gave and asks for more, blaming my cars poor condition on all the money spent on gas because the mileage is affected. Then he suddenly has to leave the next day. He claims he has to get his stitches out of his toe. It’s a damn emergency. So he leaves. I tell him a million times to let me know when he makes it home. He only has one tank of gas and supposedly it cost him 200 to get up there, my cars in bad shape, and he is driving through winter weather. Hours go by and I hear nothing. So once again after calling and texting without response, I have to call my mom. She informed me he has been home for 3 hours and blatantly ignoring the phones when it rings. Ticks me off but whatever, im up in Michigan working and don’t have the time to deal with it. Valentines day I talked to him 5 minutes in the morning. I called and texted many times with no response. Once again i get suspicious and once again I look him up on the internet. And I find a new mugshot, from February 11th, and a court date. He never told me about any of this. So once again I go off ON HIM and demand an explanation. He says its not a big deal, his friend at the courthouse (he claimed everyone at the courthouse just loved him to pieces) told him he had an old warrant out for a failure to appear in court, so since he was all about clearing up his past and starting over, he did the right thing and went down to the courthouse and turned himself in. he had to go through the motions, so the mugshot was taken and he sat in jail for 2 hours. Paid the judge in court and all is well. To which my response is, well that is commendable, but you have to tell me about this stuff. He claims he was embarrassed. Want to know what REALLY happened? He was pulled over late night in my car which was full of drunk people because he was driving drunk. They looked him up and found the warrant and he ended up getting arrested for that and they let the drunk driving go. And still it is a mystery to me why I hardly heard from him valentines day, and the next day im getting a couple of cheesy mushy flirty texts from him, but very few. Ill fill you in on what was really going on later in this story, because it’s the beginning of the undeniable end here. Im up in Michigan working, and I am not happy. I never hear from him, my mom says he leaves all the time. But I got a job to do. Then my mom suddenly decides she is moving back to upper Michigan. Suddenly I realize what I truly think of this guy in the back of my mind, because I immediately panic. I do NOT want this guy unattended in my home with my car. I just don’t trust him at this point. My mom moves back to Michigan, and all communication between me and this guy pretty much ends. A minute or 2 every other day on the phone and that’s it. When I get done with my job up there, I drove home unannounced, because I was so sure id catch him in the act of whatever it was he was up to. I come home to him sleeping in bed. This comforts me and gains a little trust for him from me. Wrongfully so, as I soon found out. Meanwhile he claims he has a sponsor for his catering business. Some rich old lady in florida with kids as old as his. I immediately suspect he stole the card, so I go through his wallet, get the name off the card, and further question him. He shows me emails from her about setting up his business, and I feel like a jerk for questioning him. But I notice the email ends with “miss you immensely” which I found odd. He explains she is a good friend and believes in him. Still seems odd to me but I let it go. come to find out later, she is not old, her kids are young, and she was his other girl who was way more than a “friend”, who had no knowledge of me. He comes home with a smoker/grill, and for one day he cooks and makes deliveries and it all seems legit. It only lasted one day. Then I wake up at midnight after falling asleep around 8 and him and my car are missing. I call and he claims he drove to his friends to hang out. He apologizes for taking my car without permission but explains I just got home and when I was gone he was used to just grabbing the keys and going. Seems understandable to me, but regardless im not happy and tell him he better not do it again or I will report it stolen. i contact this friend later. he was not at his home that night. Only a couple days later I am getting ready to take a shower and he says he is going to head to the store to get some juice. I say ok no problem. I get out of the shower and he isn’t home yet. 30 minutes go by and I call him. He claims he went to bi-lo which is about 3 miles away but he is less than a mile away and will be home in a couple minutes. 45 minutes go by. I call and call and it rings and rings. Then it goes straight to voicemail. I freak out, call his mom, message his friends. He left around 8, and I call the cops around 11. I cant report it stolen, I gave him permission to use it I could press charges, but I don’t know whats going on. I don’t want to press charges after 3 hours and find out he was in a wreck or in jail for drinking and driving or in a ditch someone and no one has found him yet. I force myself to fall asleep and wake up around 4 am and see him walking in the fron door. He acts shocked that im upset at all. His excuse? His stepdad had a heart attack and his aunt called to tell him. His phone died while he was on the phone with his aunt, and he had to rush to the hospital. But it doesn’t add up. I called him for an hour and it was ringing when he claimed he was a mile away. He claimed he was at the hospital less than 2 hours. He was missing 8 hours. So he said he sat in the car for an hour thinking about the situation. I just walk away and go back to bed. He crawls in bed and turns on his phone and plays candy crush. He just said it was dead. I get up the next morning and tell him he must have lost track of time when he was at the hospital, and family comes first. Honestly, it was bullshit. I knew he was up to no good. But he thanks me and tells me he loves me and I get in my car to go to work. No bags from bi lo, no receipts. Not in the car, not in the house. I walk in and question him about it. He claims he must have left it at his moms house. So I ask, oh, you went to your moms house too? You failed to mention that. And I head to work, noticing the p[passenger seat heater is on, which I know was off the day before, and the car stinks like his cologne. And that’s when I go all in. he claimed his business was registered with the Chattanooga chamber of commerce. I call them. His business never existed. So I find the lady who’s credit card he has been living off of, and I tell her all about me, and inform her he is using the card for more than just his business. And then I show up unannounced from work and wake him up and tell him to pack up and leave. He is stunned and asks me why, and I offer no explanation. I said “lets just say I know, and we’ll leave it at that”. He packs up a backpack and says bye and he will talk to me later. I laugh at him. And he drives away. But there is soooooooo much more I find out when I pack his stuff up to store in my garage, and then even more I find out when the lady in florida responds to me, along with a couple other people who have known him for years.
Ok so my fingers are getting sore and the rest of this is captured in other things I wrote so bare with me because I am going to copy and paste now…
“Wow… Just wow. Nothing better than finding a receipt from a restaurant in Florida from valentines day in your boyfriends stuff along with a girls address. The same girl who gave him a credit card that he’s been living off of. Now I know why I couldnt get ahold of him on vday when I was stuck working up in Michigan. And guess who’s car he drove down to see his other lady? Mine.”
“ It gets better. Sociopath had my car one night… Next day looks like someone threw their drink all over the side of my car, my windshield is cracked, and there’s a gash in the inside of the door from something sharp. Oh and I found 4 more receipts from FL from the 14th till the 16th, including one from saks 5th avenue. Really creepy part? After I kicked him out and he left, I went through my house and every single window was unlocked. I always lock them”
He went through the house and unlocked every single window.
“ Aaaaaand after some more digging and talking to some other people, it just got even worse. Everything he ever told anyone was a lie. My house was his uncles house according to him. My car was his car. Spending time with his mom and dad wasn’t his mom and dad. Things he bought and brought home….. He didn’t buy. He claimed he bought it with money from working for his dad… Nope, he didn’t have $, he didn’t work for his dad. His savings he was living off of? He didn’t have any. Everything was bought for him by someone he was playing along with me or he stole it from who knows who or where or when. Best part? His gf in fl had the same name as his mom, so he would talk to her and tell her he loves her and misses her right there in front of me, then get off the phone and explain he sometimes calls his mom by her name. How do I know this? Me and the lady in Florida have become acquainted.”
“ cyber stalked him and proved all his stories are lies, and best of all discovered all the warrants out for him. so naturally he lined up his next victim while trying to at least keep a nice loving mask on for me because he knew i was catching on. thats when it started getting scary. demented threatening comments towards me masked as jokes, references to poisoning me and then i notice i started feeling ill, knives found in the dresser.”
Now that he is gone, I have been starting to feel better, and my dogs are getting sick less.
“he leaves most his stuff here to have an excuse to contact me later, and claim that legally he is a resident in case he can’t find another place to crash. i take it all to his home and throw it in his yard when I found out everything he has is probably stolen. then his other girlfriend from florida texts him to let him know everything he bought with her credit card is now mine to donate to charity. and when he shows up with the cops claiming my things are his, i inform him of the warrants and tell the cop the whole story right there in front of him. i now know he knows i’m on to his game and i have dirt on him. needless to say he has left me alone.”
I found expensive jewelry in his belongings that he didn’t have before. On the bottom of the box the label showed it was purchased in Orlando, which is where he was when I was in Michigan working.
“when I would use sarcasm it baffled him. He has to stop and with this dumb look on his face trying to figure it out, and ask if that was supposed to me a joke, and then inform me he doesn’t get sarcasm. I’d say something in a playful and joking manner poking fun at him, and heif he didn’t stop to ponder over it for a few moments to figure out it might be humor he would get angry. no matter how often I pointed out that obviously I was kidding based on my tone of voice and he should know how I speak and I would never actually say anything that ridiculous if I were actually upset, he just never got it.”
Above is common trait among people with antisocial personality disorder, which I always thought was odd about him and I didn’t know it was an aspd trait until I looked it up and thinking he had issues.
And finally here is the message I wrote to the lady in florida…
“hi *****. firstly, i am not even sure if you are the ***** ***** i am looking for. if you know someone by the name of ***** *****, then you are the one. this is an awkward situation for me, and i debated whether or not to contact you. but ultimately i feel like it is the right thing to do. i have been in a romantic relationship with *** since december. he has been living in my home since then as well (until today when i kicked him out for various lies i uncovered). he has been using my vehicle. he has mentioned a friend in florida who gave him a credit card to help start up his business (that being the ***** ***** i am meaning to contact). i didnt suspect anything shady about the situation or the friendship until today when i found a receipt for fast food in orlando, on valentines day of this year. i was out of town working at the time. i had no idea he went to florida with my vehicle. and i have no idea what the situation is between him and *****. but it looks suspicious and i felt you should know. also, the credit card with your name on it is being used by him for personal belongings such as a $100 watch and gas/food/smokes/alcohol/clothing so on and so forth. if you are not the person i am trying to contact, i apologize. if you are and i am out of line, i also apologize, but i felt this might be a negative situation and you might be the victim of betrayal, and if i were in your shoes i would want to know. i am trying to do the right thing. i hope i am.
And her response said things such as…
“*** use to live with me and I too kicked him out but for so unknown reason started talking to him again. I had no idea he was with anyone…but ***** is and always will be a habitual liar. On top of that hes a theif so, if I were you, go thru your jewerly.”
“Yes, he came to stay with me, again, he never mentioned any relationship. Actually, he wanted to come back to my house.”
“I canceled the card this week after 1400 worth of purchases. I dont care about the money, I do care about being lied to. Thank you for taking the time and effort to contact me.”
And then me and her spoke on the phone a great deal, and I just kept learning more and more creepy stuff. For example, when he was with her in florida, he dropped her kids off at school (in my car) and then returned to ****s home, walked in the door, and the first thing he said was “youd think those high school girls have ever seen a hard white cock before”. And of course I discovered that every single thing that boy tells anyone is a lie, and all he does is manipulate people to use them for his own personal gain or pleasure, and he has done this his whole adult life. He moves from woman to woman. He charms them, sneaks his way in with lies, and milks it until they catch on. As soon as he realizes they are catching on, he moves on to the next victim. The lady in florida said that, and another person who has known him for years but was romantically involved with him said all the same exact things about him.
And just some interesting observations…
He claimed he couldn’t even change his own bandages yet I find gore webpages in my browser history, and when the movie ‘a Serbian film’ was playing while he was in the room, he had no reaction to it at all.
He would never say “I love you”. He would say “love you”, but never in response to me saying it first, and only when he wanted something, even if it was just to fool me.
The few times he apologized, he had a smirk on his face, and he only apologized if he was at risk of losing something I was offering him but threatened to take away.
He was always the victim and never at fault. When he almost ran a woman over, he was the victim and she was dumb for not seeing him, even though there was a car in the way obstructing her view. He rolled down the window and yelled obscenities at her, because he was at risk of hitting her and possibly going to jail.
He boasted lies about how authority figures admired him. He claimed cops gave him breaks and everyone at the courthouse liked him.
He never thought anyone would be smart enough to figure out his lies, although all they had to do was read receipts or make some calls, and even when he was confronted and told he was positively caught in a lie, he would still deny it without hesitation.
He couldn’t comprehend contradicting feelings. If something made someone sad and relieved, or mad and entertained, he couldn’t understand how that could be possible. Also, he would become frustrated because he could not identify sarcasm or irony with asking first to clarify if that was the intent.
He took everything literally. Regardless of any tone of voice or mannerisms used, anything that anyone said was literal to him.
He had no emotional response to any sort of verbal abuse or accusations. Yet, he would become very sexually aroused following an argument in which the other person surrendered and apologized and admitted their faults.
He literally mocked me in everything I did. My jokes, mannerisms, sound effects, phrases commonly used… he stole them all when trying to get closer to me.
When I kicked him out of my home, he had no emotional response even though he knew I strongly disliked him. He tried to convince police that he was a resident so he could possibly stay here because he had nowhere else to stay. the idea of staying with someone who disliked him didn’t deter him at all.
Anytime I met his friends or family when I was with him, they acted awkward around me and could not look me in the eyes. They avoided communicating with me and acted ashamed.
When anybody explained to me his true nature, they asked that I not repeat it or delete any such related texts from my phone.
He would say “thank you” at inappropriate times. If I apologized to him, or catered to him, or offered him insight to myself, he would respond by thanking me.
He would brag about charitable and/or hospitable acts on his part and tell the story in a very superficial manner. He told of a couple of elderly women who needed a tire changed, and how he assisted him, and how it just makes his day and makes him so happy to do such a thing for a couple of old women. His words weren’t any more elaborate than that. Also, he explained how he made a catering delivery to a “colored” woman in a “colored” community and it felt good to do anything for the “colored”. Then he would be proud when he obtained “fat” customers because overweight people would, in his mind, eat more, therefor want more and pay him more money.
I found out later he has a son. He signed off all rights to the child and wants nothing to do with him and never speaks of him.
When someone annoyed him, he threw a bottle at the individuals face, and then accused them of being crazy when they reacted in anger. He would also accuse anyone who defied him or argued with him or called him out on his unacceptable behavior as “crazy”.
When he would confess to any past wrongdoings, he would add lies to the story to involve him breaking in to retrieve his own belongings, or stealing from family and not a complete stranger, all due to his past drug addiction, in order to somehow make his actions seem less cruel and cold.
So there you have it. needless to say, i have an appointment tomorrow to have a home security system set up, i have a hard time sleeping at night, and i am struggling to gain my own identity back after he tried to steal it to use against me. BUT in the long run, i am happy, and relieved, and proud to have been right and acted on my instinct. its creepy and demented and scary and I have no doubt this guy is starting to break down and will become violent and depraved and I am happy as hell I got away from him. Honestly, it doesn’t hurt my feelings, I’m not sad or regretful. He didn’t get much from me, he didn’t steal anything because I don’t have much that’s valuable and pawn-able, and im proud of myself for figuring it out so soon. And I can’t really feel anything over it because the person I thought he was was a lie intentionally designed to appeal to me so he could take advantage of me. He wasn’t even real. i can’t be attached to something that wasn’t there.
and i have learned to never doubt myself ever again. i have seen the damage it does when that doubt is used against me.
thank you to everyone who has shared their insight here. it is easy for this situation to make me ask myself what is wrong with me. but after reading other peoples thoughts and experiences, it made me realize there is nothing wrong with us. we are right, we are strong and self sufficient, while still being kind and having faith in humanity. these people who hurt us are parasites, and parasites naturally try to feed off of something who has much to offer. and obviously we are smart enough to recognize what these people are and eventually escape that. if we weren’t, we never would have followed the link to this site 🙂
Wow, I thought my original post was long! LOL
Welcome & I hope you find support here among us as there is a lot of healing in ‘a problem shared etc…’
Just stay strong & continue to find ‘You’ again & put this behind you.
I found this on psychopathyfree & thought of you & it’s another great site along with psychopathyawareness etc…
A sociopath’s perfect target is idealistic, forgiving, generous, and romantic. Most targets are very selective about their partners, often feeling lonely & frustrated by the dating scene. So when the sociopath comes along to mirror all of their greatest fantasies, the target pours their entire heart & soul into the relationship. They’ll invest everything they can—emotionally, financially, and physically. They quickly feel comfortable opening up because the sociopath grooms them to believe they’ve found “the one”. This forms an immediate bond of trust and familiarity. So when the sociopath begins the devaluing process, the target will attempt to absorb all of the blame in relationship, in order to restore the perfect memory they have of the person who once claimed to be their soul mate. This is why psychopathy awareness is so important. Without the missing puzzle piece, it is only logical to assume that this “soul mate” existed at some point, and might return again with enough love & care. But once we understand psychopathy, we come to realize that this person never existed at all. It was a mirror image—a carbon copy—of everything we wanted in a partner. When sociopaths lose this element of surprise, their playground of victims diminishes significantly. Share this post to keep your friends & family PsychopathFree!
Lol yeah, my post was pretty long. Because honestly it was everything from the big deal situations to the little everyday things that paints a complete picture of what he is. It shows just how dedicated he is to his game, and how natural it is to him. Every second he spent with me he easily pretended to be someone else. To any of us, that would be a lot of work, but that’s how he functions every day of his life.
I watched a video last night that explained that codependent individuals are the perfect target for a sociopath, and that really hit home for me. I have always been fully aware, as is everyone who knows me well, that I am highly codependent. And I have been very frustrated with my dating life. And I make no secret of it. I throw it out there in the first place, because a sane person would probably be intimidated if their intentions were negative, realizing they wouldn’t get too far with me and would not even bother trying to get in my life. But his sense of confidence and invincibility just told him that he could use that to his advantage. And why not? He was damn good at mimicking me and telling bold face lies and he knew it.
It seems a contradiction that these people are so good at reading people, yet have no empathy. You would think those things go hand in hand. But I suppose that’s why they do come across as phony. My problem was that in the beginning when he did seem phony, I just assumed he was trying to impress me, win me over, and make me happy, all because he claimed I made him that happy. And he was trying to do those things, which normally would be flattering and fun. At the time it was. It’s pretty normal for a guy to try to impress a girl, and it’s going to be cheesy and over the top at times. It’s just a coincidence though, as the intensions are different when a sane person or a sociopath come across that way. And I have no doubt that he knew that and used it to his advantage.
I do open up to people very quickly, as I’ve never been in a situation where it was all taken in as tools to use against me, at least not in a way so undetected that I couldn’t see it coming and defend myself. I told him I just want a relationship where everything is fair. Where no one is taking advantage of me, and equal effort is provided from both ends in the relationship. He also knew I was fearful of being alone. I told him I’m an only child. My mother is my only living close relative. I’ve moved all over the country and have a job that requires a lot of travel, so making close friends is difficult for me. I’m 32 years old now and starting to fear I’m running out of time to find people to be close enough with to share my life with. With that knowledge, this is how he mirrored it and used it to his advantage. He had a saying he would always use. Anytime he did anything to help me out or did kind acts like cooking for me and my mother, I was overly thankful and expressed that to him. His phrase he would always use in those situations was “scratchy scratchy” meaning it’s all about give and take, scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. It was him mirroring my desire for equality in a relationship. But I did find it odd that he would use a phrase that’s usually used more for things and actions and not thoughts and feelings, and not for people who care about each other expressing their love and showing affection. Also it made me realize that he felt entitled to some favors from me, as if I owed him now that he did something for me. I started to realize that nothing he did was selfless and from the kindness of his heart. That was one of the first things I learned about him that made me uneasy, because I felt as though anything he did for me, he did only to put me in debt to him. As far as my fear of being alone, that was his means of control over me. If my impression of him began to go sour and I let him know, if I was upset at him or doubted him, he’d simply give me the cold shoulder. He would find an excuse to leave and would stay away for a long period of time and ignore my calls/texts. And he did this knowing I would grow annoyed of the conflict and just want to throw in the towel, and more importantly fear that I risked losing this guy he pretended to be over something that alone was trivial. And he knew I would apologize and ask him to return. Basically, I wanted the tension I felt but he didn’t feel to go away, and I asked him to put his costume back on and be that guy I wanted him to be again so I felt content again. And if I took the blame, then he always did just that. He also knew that I always felt guilty over my bad temper and tendency to become verbally abusive when I was upset. That proved to be very useful to him. By reacting the way I do and feeling guilt over it, it let him turn the tables in every conflict as I would completely lose sight of what it was that upset me in the first place. Looking back at it, every one of our arguments started because he was in the wrong, whether it was having drugs in my house or taking my car without permission. But conveniently for him, I’d always lose my cool and go off on him, he’d always call me out on it knowing I’d feel guilty and leave the situation apologizing, letting myself be the bad guy, and he would always end up being the victim in the end. Even though my whole issue in the first place was the fact that I was hurt and angry over him victimizing me.
Talking to the lady in Florida, I started to understand what his tactic with her was. It was completely different than his method on me. He very effectively hid his current drug addiction from me. But he always made her well aware of it. And I know why. She lost someone very close to her to a drug overdose, someone whose wellbeing she felt responsible for. So that right there gave him a perfect tool to use. Not only could he get sympathy for his addiction, but he could also blame all his stealing from her and lying to her on his evil horrible addiction. He knew she partly held herself responsible for the death of her loved one, and now she was in a situation where if she didn’t try to help him, she might fail once again from saving someone she cared about. It worked so well that when she discovered he stole over $5000 of her things and pawned it all, she cut ties with him and kicked him out. Not only did he manage to weasel his way back into her life merely a month the later, he even talked her into giving him a credit card to start up his business. Why? Same reasons he claimed he moved back here and lied about turning himself in for old warrants etc. He literally used his own negative nature to his advantage. Once discovered, he openly admitted to his past mistakes, and followed up by making himself out to be ashamed. But he would add, in a way he is happy he made those mistakes, as it all taught him important lessons and made him who he is today, that being a kind even tempered ambitious 33 year old man who loves his family and wants nothing more than to get on his feet and start his business back up. On the surface all those things are true. He is kind, because he learned it gains trust and makes people feel as though they owe him which can benefit him further. He is usually even tempered, he has almost no emotional response to anything that anyone says to him. I used to admire that trait of his. Now I see just how horrible it really is. And he is a family man, because he loves what they do for him. His mother gave up on disciplining him. It’s her son, she is trapped by feeling that he is her responsibility, especially considering her son has burned every bridge he ever had and has no one. She gives him $ and helps him out knowing he is spending it on drugs. She knows he steals her husband’s medication, and that this nice lady (me) is being 2 timed and stabbed in the back, she knew about the woman in Florida. But I think in her mind there is nothing she can do about any of it. In a way it angers me because she is probably the only person who could ever manage to get through to him, or maybe she isn’t, because even she gave up, and that turns my anger to sympathy for this poor woman. She has been cleaning up his messes his whole life and always being the one to deal with it. When I found out most his stuff was stolen and he wasn’t coming to get it from my home, the only thing I could do was drop it all off at her house. I hated involving her but I had no idea where his new victim lived and this where he was hiding. When he would disappear for hours and I went through the emotional roller coaster of not knowing whether he was dead in a ditch and seriously hurt, kidnapped or murdered, arrested, cheating on me, or stealing my car, and experiencing a mix of emotions from fear worry concern hurt betrayal suspicion confusion and anger all at the same time, she was the only one I knew to call in hopes she had heard from him or about him. I feel sorry for that woman. She is pretty much trapped into being his enabler.
I remember when he would truly listen to me and showed genuine interest in what I had to say. It was always when I would open up to him and talk about myself. My hopes, fears, insecurities, pride, etc. I would explain what’s tickles me and what ticks me off and why. I always found it odd that he would thank me for rambling on and on about myself, and even more odd that it would literally physically turn him on and he made no secret of that fact. Worth mentioning is that it was ONLY in such situations that he would want sex, especially if what triggered the conversation was an argument in which I took the blame and apologized to him and he just watched me cry in front of him. I didn’t make sense to me. He just wasn’t sexually turned on in the same ways most people are. During all the time we got along and were seemingly happy and drama free, he had no sex drive whatsoever. I began to wonder if there was some sort of medical explanation like erectile dysfunction. Yet when I first met him during the first few days he was constantly desiring me sexually. Now that I understand the situation it makes me sick to my stomach. In the beginning he was only trying to appear normal and as I would expect in the situation, and he thought that he was flattering and impressing me by having sex with me, which is honestly laughable because he was quite boring and obviously had no sense of passion whatsoever. Later he was literally getting off on gaining knowledge he could use to overpower me. Based on my past interests of serial killers and criminal psychology, that fact about him scares the daylights out of me. One day we were watching Dexter, and I started talking about how many serial killers literally got off sexually at the moment they took someone’s life, because the feeling of having so much power over someone that you could take their life from them excited the killer. How he reacted to that really shocked me. He didn’t want to hear it. He refused to believe it was true. He accused me of making it up. When I told him that yeah, it’s pretty weird demented and creepy, which is why in quit reading about such things in the past because it disturbed me, but I’m sharing it because you love this show so I thought you might find it interesting. Then his reason for annoyance at the subject changed from his refusal to believe it’s true to him just being disturbed by the knowledge so not wanting to hear about it.
One weird notable thing… one day in conversation I explained to him what Munchhausen’s syndrome is. Shortly thereafter is when he made jokes about poisoning my food, at the same time I was starting to feel ill and my ulcer was flaring up. At that time my dogs were getting sick and throwing up as well. Neither of the dogs have been sick since I kicked him out and I have been feeling much better as well.
Another thing I noticed… this woman he took advantage off only a couple months before he found me was much bossier than me. After talking to her as much as I did, it explained some of his habits when he was with me. If I needed help with something and demanded his assistance, without saying ‘please’ or being passive in any way, he would thank me and tell me it turned him on that I ordered him around and that he needed me to keep doing it. Talking to her, in could hear some of his mannerisms in was used to and his way of speaking. It was as if he was echoing some of the part he played for her to me. Maybe it just made it easier for him. He didn’t have to switch so much between the mask he wore for me and the one he wore for her if he could expect the same results and behaviors from both of us. Like hitting 2 birds with one stone. Less for him to have to keep track of, and less chances to slip up and cause suspicion. When in told her of other mannerisms and habits he had around me she never recalled him using them. For example, when we were together and someone took a photo of him he would always either stick out his tongue or flip the bird. I didn’t think anything of it until one day I’m going through old photos and in noticed that in photos of me through the years, and am often sticking out my tongue or flipping the bird. I am a playful person and have a couple of silly sound effects I’ll make in casual conversation. He immediately jumped all over that and used the same sound effects extensively and obsessively. It became our little language, our inside joke. And our little game was me making the sound, and he would repeat it. Anytime I’d make the sound he just couldn’t help but repeat it.
I found it annoying that the guy couldn’t sit still for more than a few minutes. He would last maybe 2 hours after waking up and he would start going crazy with boredom. He needed constant amusement, excitement, and sort of stimuli. I have ADHD and he was way worse than me when it came to restlessness and the need for constant stimulation.
Something else he did that was strange. We would become startled for no reason. We would be lying in bed and he would suddenly jolt or even sit straight up. I’d ask him what startled him and he said nothing, he just randomly did that sometimes.
He seemed proud of all his past injuries and survival stories. Some of these injuries he really did suffer, others he made up. The ones he did suffer, sometimes he told the truth about how it happened, and sometimes he made it up. He did break his hip jumping over a railing on his front porch at the time, but he told someone else he fell 2 stories back when he was a professional sponsored rock climber. He told me he was a sponsored rock climber as well. Come to find out it was a complete lie. But for some reason he would always tell people he met all about his injuries, as though this is something that he thought made him appealing to others. He also claimed he has seizures for no reason and they started when his back broke for no reason. He never broke his back. He doesn’t have seizures.
Something else I always found odd and quite honestly is pretty funny. He was so self-conscious of his balding that he ALWAYS wore a hat. He took it off right before turning on the shower and put it back on and soon as he turned the water off. He wore his hat to bed, and if it fell off he would wake up and put it back on. In his mug shots, he tilts his head up like he is trying to keep his bald spot out of sight.
One story I always share with people I am becoming close with is about a good friend of mine who died in a car wreck a few years ago. It was obviously a very emotional experience for me so naturally I share it with people who come into my life. After he learned of this, he proceeded to take me on trips with him to cemeteries to visit the graves of his dead friends. He claimed he often visited them yet when we would get there it took him forever to find their headstone. He took me to 2 different headstones. One guy he claimed was very close to him and his death was very hard on him. I found it odd the guy was almost twice his age. That makes sense now that I knew he is the father of one of friends and barely knew him. Also, the cemetery visits were awkward for me and it was sort of funny listening to him talk to his friend’s headstones, because he was so cheesy about it and it just sounded so scripted to me. We did 2 of these visits, but throughout our relationship he would always tell stories of all the friends he has had that have passed away. I am pretty confident it was all lies. Or people he barely knew that he claimed were good friends. I noticed quickly that he just moved back in town when I met him, and he only had one local friend, who come to find out he isn’t very close to. oh, and almost all these deaths he told of were drug related, which now reminds me of what tactic he used to gain the assistance of the lady in Florida. I guess since he learned from her that drugs addiction and its tragic effects trigger an emotional response in a lot of people. But I think he assumes that all these “objects” (us people) are all the same, which is ironic since people like him seem to be carbon copies of each other themselves. When he finds something that works on one person he uses it on everyone. He is wrong though. I don’t personally have any tragic occurrences in my life related to drugs. So instead I reacted in a way that he didn’t expect. My impression was one of wondering why he kept associating with people who were involved in activities that were obviously a danger to themselves and others. I immediately regretted responding to him with that reaction and would apologize for offending him by criticizing his dead friends, but he was obviously not offended in the least bit and never once defended him. Although he would say that’s why he hates drugs. In fact he always commented on how much he despises drugs whenever the subject came up or just even randomly at inappropriate types. At the time I thought it was he opening up to me. Now I realize it was him being defensive of an activity he was engaged in that he knew I looked down at, even though at the time I was unaware that he was high, even at the very same moments he was telling me how much he hates drugs.
All these things I just explained now make perfect sense to me. It was all just odd to me because I didn’t know how a sociopath would interact with me, and I just couldn’t relate to so many things about him.
Here is what worries me. I have sympathy, empathy, compassion for others. Also, it is so hard to comprehend and accept that someone else doesn’t. Most of us don’t WANT it to be true that this person actually exists due to the unpleasant nature of it alone. He was also so good and coming up with reasonable explanations for everything. Only thing concerning that that tipped me off was EVERY situation that initially looked bad HAD to be provided with some sort of reasonable explanation in his defense. But before that list got too long that in could no longer deny that it was all as bad as it first looked, all those things in combination with how convincing he was, it’s no wonder to me that a woman he robbed took him back and gave him her credit card. Had I never been in this situation to experience it myself first hand, I would think she was downright ignorant pathetic crazy and stupid. Unless I knew her better, then I would be baffled and think she must have hit her head and suffered brain damage. Because this woman is an independent strong willed successful bold career woman. And I’m not much different from that myself. But with that being said, we both have a lot to offer, and being human we both have weaknesses and soft spots. Also, being very bold brutally honest confident and upfront, we don’t hesitate to show exactly who we are and what we are about. And that’s how and why he gets the necessary knowledge to weasel his way in. It’s easy for me now to say I’d never consider having anything to do with this guy ever again. Dealing with low lives in my past who were not sociopaths, when there is a falling out they are usually hurt and disappointed too, they are angry as well, and because of their emotional response we both let it go and have no desire to out up with each other again. But sociopaths just don’t care. I know I could text him right now and claim I am sorry for being wrong about him and ask if I could take him out to dinner and he would go along with it. I know if I wanted that illusion of him that I loved back he would give it back if he had anything to gain from it. And the fact that I always give the benefit of the doubt scares me and honestly hurts my pride. I felt for the woman in Florida when she kept talking about how there must be something wrong with her. She knew better and fell for it again anyways. Maybe that’s why I’m here writing yet another ridiculously long post and reading the other ones. So I can see that who this guy is is a carbon copy of who many others have dealt with, and that I was right to trust my instincts because all of these carbon copies who got more time with their victims always caused yet more dangerous and/or irreversible damage. This site gives me undeniable proof of what he really is. I NEED to know that and remember it, because right now it is so easy for me to want nothing to do with him and see him for what he is. It’s so clear and fresh in my mind. I feel proud and accomplished in ridding my life of him. Actually, I have been in a great mood ever since the moment he walked out my door. When I think about the lies and the cheating right now, it doesn’t hurt or anger me. In fact it’s funny to me and fascinating that someone could be so out of touch. But I’m afraid down the road when the shock wears off it’ll hit me hard. And I’m also even more afraid that that he will come back around and somehow manage to weasel his way back in just enough to cause just a little more damage. Sad part is that I know how he will do it. He knows that I feel I’m too paranoid about guys being a danger to me and taking advantage of me, and he knows that I fear I apply that to any guy I get close to now. He is going to throw that out there and just wait for me to tell myself that’s exactly what I did to him. I’ve already been warned by his past victims that he will contact me again. And they all said the same thing. I will get a text in about 6 weeks. And I’ve seen myself just how punctual, habitual, constant, predictable, unchanging, and unoriginal these parasites are and how unaffected they are by past conflicts.
This last guy isn’t the first of his type I’ve wasted my time on, but he is by far the most extreme. It is odd I would say that considering he never physically assaulted me whereas one in my past has, but something about this last guy scares me so much more. I think it’s that he is so much more deliberate and organized in what he does. My past situation was involving a guy who I don’t even think realized what was happening to him at the time. But this last guy seemed to be perfectly aware of who he was and what he did, and furthermore he seemed to like it. Some of the rest were just irresponsible lazy leaches who took advantage of me but obviously had a sense of empathy, but a few others I am certain were full blown sociopaths as well after learning what I did from my last situation. They were just less inexperienced, we were younger and I was more naive and they haven’t figured out yet just what all they can gain from taking advantage of others and get away with it. I have learned that’s the key right there. I think the only difference between a sociopath who steals from their significant other and cheats on them without feeling bad about it, and a sociopath serial killer who enjoys killing people, is the fact that their circumstances haven’t led them that far yet. They haven’t yet had to go that far in able to get what they want. So they haven’t done it once just to learn that it’s easy to them and they can get away with it. Mostly because it’ll never show to anyone else who sees them that something is wrong, because in the sociopaths mind nothing about it is wrong. Doesn’t faze them. I mean stop and think about the word “serial”. To do something in a series. All of these people are “serial” something or another. It’s their nature. I think it’s rare that most sociopaths would ever kill, but only because they won’t ever be in a situation where they feel the need to. BUT I do think that if they were ever in a situation where they realized they could get away with it and much was to be gained from it, that every single one of them would take advantage of the situation and they would take a life.
But you know what scares me just as much if not more? This concern of mine makes me think of the Nietzsche quote “he who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster”. Like I said, I have dealt with people like this since my ex-husband abused me in these ways and physically 14 years ago. I remember one time we were at odds and although living together had separate bedrooms. I lockedmy bedroom door every night. He came crashing through it anyways with a rifle in his hand. He stood there as I lay in bed shouting insults and threats. He first pointed the gun at his own head, then at me. His head, then me again. And he got suddenly quiet and got that blank eyed stare going. Up to this point I was terrified and obviously it showed. I was screaming and yelling and crying, going back and forth from begging him to out the gun away, to demanding him, to apologizing for whatever I could think of, I was scared and sad and mad and feared for my life and automatically trying every approach I could to get him to out the gun away. Then I just suddenly snapped. It’s one of the scariest things that ever happened to me. How I suddenly felt that moment scares the crap out of me. I suddenly calmed down. I was perfectly content and at ease. I couldn’t help but smile and I looked at him with the gun now back at his own head and I asked him to please pull the trigger because I wanted to watch his brains scatter on the wall behind him. And I have to admit that I meant it. At that moment I really did want it. Thankfully it didn’t happen! I felt disappointed when his jaw just dropped and he sat there stunned until he stood up and quietly walked out of the room. And then I just went back to sleep. I didn’t care. No emotional response in me at all. Fell asleep immediately and remember thinking to myself FINALLY now I can go to bed. Ever since then I explain to people close to me who I share these stories with that I must have something in me that way back then I jokingly referred to as my “sociopath button”. Granted that’s my most extreme example, but after dealing with many people like this over the years I can remember many times where I was pushed to the point that it pressed that “sociopath button” and I just didn’t care anymore. They could no longer get any emotional response out of me, nor could the situation, and I felt no hesitation when laughing at them or verbally abusing them, nor did I feel one shred of guilt for it. I felt justified in it, in fact I felt like it wasn’t enough. I felt entitled to being granted power over them in exchange for them overpowering me for so long. And I did it for my own personal gain, to completely discourage them so they would give up and go away and in could escape them and have some peace and stability. Which I of course I had every right to, but the fact that I didn’t care what it cost to achieve it and knew it’s never regret doing what I had to do to gain it scares me, along with the fact that when I got to that point I felt so confident and invincible. When I look back at it later, I feel like I became them to beat them and maybe it was necessary. Yet I can remember after reaching that point as they are trying to rile me up and yelling and screaming insulting me and threatening me, the types of thoughts running through my head were ‘hurry up and be done because I’m hungry and want to make something to eat” or “I wish they would stand somewhere else because I really have to pee and they are standing in my way”, or I would suddenly remember I forgot to check the mail or put the clothes in the dryer. It makes me sick to think I sink to their low, and it makes me fear that maybe one of these times I will stay in that mode even after whatever conflict that triggered it in me is over. The last thing I want is to become my own worst enemy. Literally turn into what I personally find to be the worst and most useless ugliest things to exist in our world. And that right there is probably going to become my number one motivation to never let myself get in a situation like this again. Of all the valuable things people like that can take from me, the most valuable things they try to steal are my identity, and more importantly my humanity and sanity.
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Oh wow, ok, yet another long post. SORRY. Apparently I want to write a book about it all lol.
My Spath sent me a message asking if I can help him with money. I haven’t responded. These people are unbelievable. After what he did to me, I hardly talk to him cause he treats me with disgust and disrespect and he wants ME to give him money. These people have no shame. He already owes me over $8,000 why would I be stupid enough to give him more? Espdcially when we are not in a relationship or even a friendship. What a loser.
Remember NC it drives them crazy.
He wants to use you further & you are much wiser than that. Dont respond, any form of responce is part of his game so, do not engage. Ignore, ignore, ignore. They have no shame & yes, i believe it!
Stay strong & game over for you & him.
Your too good for him, believe that 😃
Worse is when they don’t even want your money, they just don’t want you to have it. My ex tried so hard to get me to sell some property at the bottom of the market. After the mortgage was paid off, there would have been nearly nothing left. It made no sense. The sensible thing was to hang on till the economy improved, which created a major fight, but I stuck to my guns. I’m so glad I did. My cash is gone, but the market is up and I still have my property.
This is about control Jill. If they make sure that you don’t have any money you are made more vulnerable and weak, they therefore have further control over you. Especially if they offer to ‘help you’ to get back on your feet (likely they won’t). Sociopaths are jealous bitter people and cant stand to see anyone doing better than themselves… they love to take, and if they don’t do it directly – they try to ensure that you have loss… so that you feel as worthless as they are 😦
The fool framed me. He claimed that I contacted his new girlfriend’s bestfriend…by the way,I never had a clue on who the bestfriend was until I saw the screenshot conversation that “I” had with her on Facebook. I felt utterly frustrated that I was being framed and embarrassed to by the thought of anyone who knew me believing the lie. After I tried so hard to never contact him after how he hurt me, I had to deal with that nonsense. I will never forget how I felt. As if how he hurt me wasn’t bad enough, the framing added to the pain and hurt I felt. At first I felt so confused about who would do that to me… I suspected friends, his girlfriend and not once i thought it could have been him. I refused to believe he was such a low life. But the opinion of everyone who heard the entire story, directs to him as being the one who framed me to make himself seem like he’s being chased after by me. i hate this so much. Worst of all, the girlfriend and I attend the same school so I hope almost everyday that i don’t see her. I’m humiliated. I wanted to talk to her and tell her I’m innocent in the matter but then again, the framer could very well be her… and if not, she won’t choose to believe me over her bf anyway. I want to move on with someone new. But I know i’m not ready and i don’t want to use anyone. I pray so much to escape this confusion. I found new interests to obsess over to take my mind off them. But those only help for a short while.
I really feel for you.Cherry, I assume because you’re in school that you’re an older teenager or young adult. That can be a tough age and arena under any circumstances, worse when you’re being targeted by an S. And smear can be very tough to clean up, sometimes.
I was older, and isolated by mine. That was tough, the lack daily support kept me with him longer than I should have stayed. But gladly I was out of school.
One thing I’m sure most people can confirm, the world looks completely different once you get past school. You’d be surprised how many things that were so important in school, become completely irrelevant once you’re past that.
You learned a tough lesson early. Too bad you had to learn it at all.. The upside is that you didn’t start a family, or put your house in his name, he didn’t screw up your career, and now you know what one an SP looks like, so hopefully you’ll never be involved with one again.
They say the best revenge is living well, I prefer the best revenge is being happy, either way, maybe consider obsessions that help you live well or be happy or both. Hang in there, there is much to look forward to.
I was warned, and sure enough he convinced me she was a nut and I should ignore it, and I did. The warning was via facebook and a bit detailed. It wasn’t about their relationship as much as about what I might expect from him, down the road, when he flips. What she’d described was so removed from anything I’d seen,I believed she must be a bit wacky and I put it aside and forgot about it.
Well we did later marry. The ink was barely dry on the license when he first began to be mildly abusive. At first I blamed myself, he’d been so wonderful, and I’d had some previous relationship failures. I doubled my efforts to please and became more self critical. Over time it just got worse.
At some point I remembered that she’d written, she had specifically used the word flipped and I was finally confiding to a girlfriend (I had to tell someone, the situation was eating me alive) and used that same word. Somehow it reminded me.
I went back and re read her warning. It helped so much! I dated a two timer years ago briefly and others knew what he was up to, and no one warned me because they didn’t want to get involved. I felt betrayed by all who knew, like they were watching me walk in front of a moving train.
In this case, her warning saved me years of agony. Indeed, the behaviors she mentioned were exactly what I was experiencing. She suggested he might have BPD. I looked into it and he was a near perfect match. No more hours wasted crying alone in the upstairs bedroom and blaming myself, it was so liberating to have some answers. I filed for divorce.
I’m not quite free of him yet, the divorce isn’t final and he finds reasons from time to time to contact me and continues to be cruel. But it’s like it can’t touch me now that I understand. Yes, I have trouble trusting, yes I feel lonely from time to time, and I do feel some shame at how I was taken in. But the last time I cried was months ago when my first granddaughter said for the first time, “I love you grandma”, a wonderful, healthy, reason for a brief cry.
I didn’t know his ex. But I have recently written to thank her. It took a lot of bravery for her to warn me. He’s already pursued one target since, she didn’t fall for it. I don’t know what I’ll do if I become aware that he gets serious with someone. Due to where we live, odds are that I’ll find out. Perhaps I’ll warn her anonymously.
My ex’s, ex lives very far away now, so there was minimal physical risk to her. I’m in closer proximity and I don’t know for sure how screwed up he is. I’m a bit torn between self protection and paying it forward. Perhaps some kind of anonymous warning?
Broke my Ankle & Tibula (sp?) or inner leg bone lifting a car out of the snow that had an old couple stranded during a snow storm. I went in for surgery last Tuesday. My parents are aging and a bit helpless themselves and I basically didn’t want to trouble anyone of my friends for a ride home because they are all married and have families to take care of. A flaw of mine is that I have a hard time asking people for help, so I try to figure things out on my own. ITs usually a strength but sometimes can bite back. Either way, I had a cab lined up to take me home.
While waiting in the recovery room in a drug induced-post surgery fog, out of the blue, I get a call from my ex-soc. Somehow she had heard about the about my injury (we both live in a small town in the same neighborhood and work in the same school district, so news travels quickly) and just wanted to know how I’m doing. The irony of her calling me exactly when I got out of surgery went over my head. She asked me if I needed a ride home because she was in the same neighborhood as the hospital. The irony of her being in that neighborhood right when I got out of surgery never occurred to me. IN my drugged state I agreed that a lift home would be nice and thought to myself, “what is the harm. She’s only trying to help, and she can be helpful as long as she is volunteering it.”
On our way home she asked me if I needed to stop and get some groceries. I told I did need some beer and smokes, so it would be great if we stopped. I gave her a 50 dollar bill cuz thats all I had. She went into the store and jumped back in the car and cheerfully announced, “I got you your beer & smokes, I also bought myself a 6 pack and 2 packs cuz I needed them for my son (who is 23 baby that lives off society and is also a sociopath whom I despise). There was only $10 left and I’m keeping that for gas.” So, that ride, which would have been a 14 dollar cab fare, cost me $35 for her to do it. Suddenly I felt that same old knot in my gut appear that I used to get when we were dating. We got back to the house, and she proceed to drink half my beer (cuz she wanted to save “her beer for junior”, told me she was PMSing and had food cravings and proceeded to eat 2 tins of nuts and a bag of chips (the only munchies I had in the house). Even in my drug induced, half-helpless state I could see what was unfolding, so I politely asked her to leave, telling her I was “understandably a little tired.” She said, “Yeah, tired, helpless, and a little pathetic.” I confronted her and asked her what the hell was wrong with her and was shocked and hurt she couldn’t turn off her weirdness even enough to be nice to a guy after surgery. She got rage tears, and atleast finally had enough courage to admit to me that she has always known she was different from other people and that she didn’t have empathy or the ability to love anyone. I told her that it was mature of her to admit that and all the sudden the tears and emotions disappeared and she proceeded to show me a picture of her out at a bar with 3 guys half her age with their arms around her. I “crutched” outside and called her mother and told her what was going on and to please call her daughter NOW. After talking to her mother she hung up the phone and calmly said to me, a former Navy Diver and all-american athlete, “you’re a pathetic cunt for calling my mother. Now I remember what a drag it was to date you.” And she left. Gosh what a fun night. It took me a week to feel normal again. Evil. Simply evil.
Awww Broken,
Sorry to hear you hurt yourself but, not surprised you were helping others 🙂
It’s hard asking for help & yet another sign of why all of us here have been hurt.
We are the givers & these Soc’s just keep taking us down but, not for long as we have something far greater on our side 🙂
Resilience to ‘get up’ & battle on 🙂
I’ll be damned if this experience is going to keep pulling me down & I constantly defy the ‘evil’ that pervaded my life & others.
You are not alone & your injury can also be seen as a ‘sign’ that you give yourself to others at the risk of yourself.
Her words were targeted to hurt you but, they say more about her than you. She felt threatened & took you down as only a Soc will do, she projected herself & literally described herself as a Pathetic C….
Stay in your power & good on you for calling her out & once again her true colours came out which further validates what a ‘lowlife’ she is.
No offence but, she drinks beer eeew LOL 😉
Just get healthy & stay positive as it’s hard when you feel vulnerable especially when injured 😦
We are here & will support you so, stay strong & heal 🙂
@PR. The strangest thing has occurred within me. Actually I think it has been incubating for awhile now and has finally taken form and left me with a sense of peace and resolve. Having dealt with this person (the Spath) for so long has forced me to reflect very strongly on who I am a person. It has pointed with stark precision to my own value system. I would not recommend or wish falling in love with a spath to anyone as a means to arrive at where I am now. But in the spirit of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” I must admit, that I have arrived at very serene place of resolve and power through awareness.
My spath can see this in me and is unnerved by it. All she says is “you are a very smart man and it makes me uncomfortable sometimes.” The reality is that I feel sorry for her. I can honestly tell that she really doesn’t “plan” or “calculate” things in a normal sense. If I wanted to truly fuck someone over emotionally or otherwise I would plan it out. I’ve never done that because it isn’t the way I think, but spaths don’t really do that either in the normal sense. Her world is one of uncontrolled impulses and spontaneous opportunism. If an opportunity presents itself to her in which she can exert power over someone (because she is utterly powerless in her own life) she will do it. The kicker is she doesn’t even really know why she is doing it or the implications of her actions. She is just “doing it.” I think on a micro “second to second” level she is aware of what she is doing. But that awareness is over-cloused with her impulsivity and in the end, she cannot reflect and doesn’t even really know the damage she has done. She just does it. Very dangerous person to be around if you aren’t prepared.
Lately she reports that “she is really fucked up, knows that she can’t hide the fact that she was born without empathy or the ability to love, but doesn’t understand why she can’t just be “A GREAT PERSON WHEN SHE WANTS.” She reported that her PMS keeps happening all the time. I accompanied her to a doctor who ran a battery of tests and agreed that yes, she Is pre-menopausal. So she is now getting the medication to deal with THAT issue. I explained to her, in kind language that the reason she is “so sad and unable to be a GREAT PERSON WHEN SHE WANTS TO is because the level of hormonal imbalance in her makes her emotionally uncomfortable to the point to which she is no longer able to ‘keep the mask on or the front up.'”
I feel good that I helped her figure out her menopause thing. She is starting to age, and I do believe feels helpless now. I mean, to a normal person, her life would seem pretty easy. Her biggest “trauma” right now is having to move out of her mother’s house (her mom wants to sell it and basically get rid of her and loser son who is also a spath). Her mother is a millionaire and is going to buy her a house of her own. Again, I would be rejoicing if I was a rich kid and my parents were buying me my own house. But, she is worried because she makes very little money and is not sure how she can pay all the bills. So, I talked her and mother into buying a duplex (double family home). The rent she collects can pay her bills. TO her that made sense and makes her “happy.”
She announced that when she gets her new home her 23 yr. old loser son can’t live there. I asked her why because it seems like she was more than willing to let him move in with her at her mother’s home. SHe replied, “cuz he’s a fucking free-loader mooch, alls he cares about is himself.” Isn’t that kind of sad and funny at the same time in a kind of ironic way?
PS. @Nick..Thanks for the kind words
Hi Broken 🙂
Good on you for getting to ‘resolve & peace’, that’s a huge effort 🙂
I feel the same & am mindful of my journey & why I found myself in this predicament. It was a hard lesson but, I have learnt a great deal about human nature & my role in it.
I too feel pity for my Soc as I view him through different eyes now & I see a very short person in stature & in himself. A lot of short comings that he is trying to project away from himself. All his insecurities & inability to love etc…really sad creatures.
My Soc said he would be ‘too demanding’ on me if we spent more time together & he always said, ‘I deserved better than him’.
I usually replied, ‘Don’t be silly etc…’ but, a few times I said, ‘Yes I do!’.
He would then get upset & say ‘well if you feel like that then why stay with me?’ I would then placate him & turn it back that he was the one who said I deserved better etc…& he would act all wounded. (silly man).
That old ‘push & pull’ tactic that can backfire if you don’t say what they want to hear or expect!
If your Soc is going through ‘Menopause’ ( great word 😉 then I suggest you take your leave & completely ‘free yourself’ as she will get worse with age & more dependent on You!
They get ‘addicted’ to us as we do to them so, she needs you to ‘fix’ her & help her as I had to do with my Soc. They really are quite incapable of being alone especially when they age or get ill as we all ‘fear’ being alone, they ‘fear’ it all the time.
Her son sounds like the Soc of my Soc & I wonder what will happen to them when the ‘Boss Soc’, no longer controls & manipulates them? My Soc pays his sons wages & rewards him with trips abroad etc…My Soc cannot go anywhere without an entourage of followers & enablers so, recruits his children when he can. He would then lie to me that he was away alone on business but, time has proved different & the truth was discovered by me.
Just stay strong & keep resilient but, please try & clear your life of this evil as, they will feed on you like alcoholics until the booze runs out & then the mask is off yet again.
@PR. The mask was on again. She pops over acting all sexy (which she most definitely can be) and “kittenish.” It was a beautiful day..hitting 60 degrees in March on the upper East coast! She announces, “The sun is out and I’m in a really good mood.” I politely sat there for a few minutes and let her talk about her self and her life. Of course she never asked me how I was doing or how my injury was coming along. She said, “Hey I have a great idea…wanna go to Pennsylvania and get some cigarettes’ (the are much cheaper there). I made the mistake of buying her a carton once, which she immediately divided up with her Spath son. I didn’t know I was responsible for her loser son’s smoking habit! Either way, I said I’m all set for smokes but thanks for “thinking of me.”
She didn’t miss a beat & said ,”Its so nice out lets do something fun and go to your favorite restaurant where they have that clam special you love so much. I won’t eat much.” I politely remarked, “wow what a nice gesture! You’re taking me out for dinner?” At which point she reminded me of how “poor she is” (again, her mother is a millionaire and she pays for nothing in her life). I politely told her that spending $50 on dinner wasn’t really in my budget right now.” She responded with, “I was just trying to help you out and get you out of the house. This is why we didn’t workout…you never want to do anything. You want to sit around and feel sorry for yourself while my son (the spath) goes off to work everyday. (He’s been employed for 3 weeks..which makes it 3 weeks out of the whole year). HE makes a fraction of what you make and its not his fault he doesn’t have money for smokes.” Again, I politely said, “well…thanks again for thinking of me. Have a good night.” She replied, “I just want to help you. You’re a loser.” I told her that it may be best if she stops “popping in” the way she does, because it just seems to leave her frustrated, and me a little annoyed. SHe replied, “You’re a fucking dud and aren’t even really a good fuck. You just look good but are starting to get old.”
She’s such a charmer when she doesn’t get her way
@nick. I feel like a yoyo sometimes. I’ll be doing fine. Even thought I felt a glimpse of peace an happiness the other day. Then it comes. The memories. Tonight I’m thinking about how much of myself I gave away to him. How I really believed it all. How I’ve never been as close to someone as I allowed myself to be w him. An for what? For him to disappear nearly 8 months ago wo a word. It makes me feel forgotten. Belittled like I’m nobody. Etc. only difference between 8 months ago and now is my emotions are dead. I don’t cry and hurt so bad. I just exist. I can think about all these things and let my analytical brain ponder over them and just feel a little sad over it. I do sometimes think I will never have feelings for anyone again. I honestly feel so cold and empty inside. Heck! Makes me sound like a converted soc! Anyway right now I focus on my granddaughter house dogs and job. I don’t really try to meet new people but I stay busy in spurts.
Awww J’bug 😦
Do I have to come over to the other side of the world to make you see what a truly wonderful person you are 🙂
You are not dead, just in ‘protection mode’, the brain does that to stop you escalating your stress levels which will hurt you physically & mentally.
The brain has a miraculous way of helping us cope although, it switches off everything until we are ready to start ‘switching’ ourselves on & stop being afraid to let ‘feelings’ good & bad back in.
You are still traumatised & hurt & you loved this person who treated you disrespectfully & that is never fair.
Love is blind & love believes lies as it’s an emotion that has no boundaries. If given to an abuser it along with vulnerability & trust then, we are in big trouble. That is the truth of all of us.
We wore our hearts on our sleeves & loved someone incapable of recognising the greatest gift a person can give another.
You will love again but, you will never be the same as we have all changed & ‘fear’ has crept in once again.
Once you let fear of loving & enjoying life take root, it’s hard to ‘dig it out’ but, you will.
It just takes a mammoth effort & time but, we are digging with you 😉
Digging out, not in 🙂
There are diamonds in the rough remember 🙂 & loads of shitty rocks!
Search for the diamonds 🙂
I ve had more of a chance to read your post now , it seems to be the way the yo yo . When I m in work around some decent people I m almost ok ( numb but ok ) Memories of the sp. I try & put in the ” fiction ” section of my brain . We will never know who they are because they are just acting a part constantly like Pos says .
You are alive ( many aren t who have run into a seriously unhinged one ) , you are not in gaol / jail or have a criminal record because of your spath .
I hope you haven t been financially wiped out & been left in debt because of it . Stay as busy as possible , I really really feel for you being cold & empty inside , I am forgetting peoples names ( I have no idea why , maybe its just shock or something ) any thought of me being with another woman doesn t even enter my head . Maybe one day it will , who knows ?
Keep on focusing on your lovely Grandaughter , dog ,house & job .
I am sure that everyone on this site would love a magic wand to make things right for you . Guaranteed there are a pile of people , me included rooting for you
today i feel so broken, this story is continuing for me because i keep listening to the lies and deceit hoping that this time it will be different. I still feel so much love for the man i fell in love with, even though i know he no longer exists or in fact that he never really existed at all. i have tried the no contact, but his persistence is so strong and i am so very very weak where he is concerned. My friends, colleagues, family have all said the same things to me, he is not worth it, he is never gonna change, he does not deserve me and so forth. i lay in bed for most of today crying, feeling like i want to take my own life rather than live without him. I block him on my phone but unblock him the minute he texts me that he loves me. Then i ask him when he will leave his wife to make me happy and he says “when i have sorted out my issues of my son” and then i block him again. Or he will go quiet for hours and i will block and unblock him a few times. i am slaved to my phone, checking if he is online, checking if he has sent me a message. i do want the pain to stop! i really do. i just dont seem to have the strength to do it.
This is really tough one still, as they are almost two people. You can hate the one who lies, ruins, destroys, but you still have love for the one who was caring, kind and compassionate.
You say that you want to take your own life. He is not worth this…you know this. He is not worth your son either. Your son will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life, despite the fights….this man is not worth this.
This is addiction. He has created the addiction. You have to let go so that you can see the truth, not only see the truth but feel it too. Try not to see the rest of your life, as this will be too difficult. Instead, take it one day at a time. Just one day. When you do this it will be easier to manage. If one day feels too difficult, then manage one hour at a time. Just do not contact him for now. This will help you to stay with the present. Right now.This is all that you have control over. Right now.
wow, thesse stories sound so much like the year long ordeal I recently came out of. here is my story-
I had met my sociopath ex Mike on a Spiritual Group on Facebook. I wrote on the wall of the homepage and told the admin I w as enjoying reading about her insights/peotry. Mike writes to me and I write back to him. We continued our conversation in a private Inbox message. We discuss our world views and whatnot..but then, he begins to get deeper with it. I tell him about the things Iv’e been through as a kid into my teen years, and he responds with a NEALY INDENTICAL life story. over the next several days we chat on facebook at least 9 hours a day in total. Everytime I went for a break Mike would insist I hurry back. He would even get worried If I had been gone from the computer for over 20 minutes. I have to admit, at first it was very flattering..but then it became a bit agitating. After 4 days of talking, Mike confessed his “Love” for me. He asked for my phone number and asked if we could Skype.Needless to say, our relationship deepened and he would call compulsively-even when I told him not to call because I was busy or in my college class. He would even make Videos of himself shirtless and talking to me. Back then, I was much more naive and impressionable, and I had found him very attractive. after 3 weeks of constant talking, he insisted we finally meet in person. However, I was not comfortable with this at all. I lived in Washington D.C, and he lived in Eastern Florida. I heard him on the phone convincing his mom to let him go to live with me, and I noticed he spoke quite harshly towards her, he yelled and her and swore at her as well. I told him I didn’t want him to talk to me that way and he said “Don’t worry, Honey-I would NEVER speak to you that way. I love you too Much.” (If only I had trusted my gut).My parents had no idea he was coming and I was too scared to tell them. He bought an Amtrack Train ticket that week, and I tried to convince him to postpone our meeting at least for another month or 2. He got angry with me for the first time and began to write another girls on facebook in my area asking if they lived in washington D.C so he could stay with them because I had “Jilted him”. After seeing him belittle me on my facebook wall, I felt upset and gave in. It was decided-he was coming on December the 20th-which was only 2 weeks away. Despite my persistent fear, I went along with everything. He seemed to be very agressive, but he said that once we met in person, we would be ok. I relaxed after he said that and hoped for the best. We finally met at Union Station in D.C. and hit it off even better than we thought we would. He said I “looked even more beautiful in person” and his convincing charm and sense of humor won me over. He had dinner at a Pizzera and spent the night in a Hyatt Inn in the city. He was quite seductive with me but I refused to have sex with him on the first day we met. He said that was ok and there was no rush. he even gave me a message and I felt safe with him. However, things began to change the next day onward-my parents had no idea who he was and while my mom (who is divorced from my dad) was cool with him at first, my dad wanted to call the police (my dad is the overprotective type). .However, we had dinner at Olive garden the following night, and he used his Superficial charm to win my parents over as well. He seemed like the perfect guy for me, and he proposed to me that same night (strange I know). However, I began to see a much darker side of himk on Christmas Eve, when my cousins came to visit us. My mom’s brother has a son named Mannie who is close to my age (I recntly turned 23, but I was almost 22 at the time). Mannie and I hadnt seen each other since the Summer and we were catching up on our lives as He went to college in Tennessee. Mike sat on the bed next to me and began to scowl and his face turned red. He left the room and walking down to the gas station to buy some cigarettes. when he returned he banged loudly on the door and said “Open this goddamn door!” Mannie got uncomfortable and Mike demanded to talk with me alone. I was confused and puzzled, and Mike said “Why are you talking to your cousin and ignoring me?! I am the only male you should be talking to. You think your’e some kind of Princess or something?” It hurt really bad, and all I could do was cry. he then did a complete 180 and began to beg for forgiveness and kiss me. Over the next couple weeks however, he began to have more and more outbursts-not just towards me..but to my family members as well. my parents began to dislike him and told me that he needed to leave. He would eavesdrop on our conversations and then told me “your parents are just jealous of what we have, your mom and dad are divorced, so fuck them.” I didn’t like what he was saying, and I told him to stop talking about them that way. When my parents would yell at him I would take up for him, but Instead of thanking me-he would belittle me and call me “Pathetic”. I finally stood my ground one night when he went off on me because I was taking down the christmas decorations in the living room and he cursed at me for wasking him up. he told me to “GET MY ASS UPSTAIRS TO MY ROOM” and I told him he had no right to tell me what to do in my own house. eventually, my mom said he stole $200 out of her purse and he was sent back to Florida. He vowed to return later that year with Money and his mom would let him drive her old car up to see me, instead of taking the train this time, and I wanted him to come back to live with me at the time at least. I still wasn’t seeing the Toxic damamge he was doing to both me and my family. He got a job at Mcdonalds and was working the morning shift, however, we began to fight on the phone because I was ienrolled in new college classes and he felt I should quit to make more time to talk with him (ridiculous, but true). We shared a Yahoo Account, and one morning to my dismay, I got an email from a guy named Dan saying “hey it was good seeing you last night bro, the sex was amazing” I couldnt believe what I had just read, It felt surreal. I confronted him that afternoon and he revealed to me for the first time that he was Bisexual. while I have nothing against sexual orientation of anyone, I was disgusted that he had cheated on me yet would hack into my account to make sure I wasnt talking to any other guys. I broke up with him right then and there, but he cyber harrassed me and even called my mom. He threatened to hurt me and my family if I didnt get back with him.. I relunctantly got back with him only for my family’s sake. I has no desire no be with him any longer at that point, but I knew he had a violent past (he told me his ex girlfriend accussedh im of raping her and threatened to choke her ito death if she kept telling people.he said , that she was crazy but that he did threaten to kill her “because she was ruining his name”. -but now that I think about it, she may have been telling the truth, even though Ive never spoken to her. We reunited in person that November, but the Affection between us had long died down. He had become more temperamental over the year and one night while we were in a hotel he began to yell and curse at me because he wanted to smoke pot in the hotel we were in and I told him that was against the rules and we would both be arrested (I don’t smoke/do drugs or drink, by the way). I’m a very assertive person, but whenever I stood up to him he would manipullate, make threats, yell, curse, and if I tried to get help from my mom or dad he would play the victim to gain sympathy and make me look like I was exagerrating. He finally went back home for good 2 weeks after our reuinon when my 11 year old younger sister playfully cracked an egg on his head and he yelled at her “I’LL SKIN YOUR SCRAWNY ASS, YOUR UGLY LITTLE IGNORANT BITCH!” That was it, Even though my sister shouldnt have done that, I hasnt going to have him doing that. It was bad enough he threatened me, but my siblings- JUST NO. He went home later that day, and called me one last time because he crossed into Virginia and said”thanks for wasting my time, but this is the last time you’ll ever hear from me.too bad you dont deserve me and another woman will have me soon.” I felt awful, but of course he called me again and again after that day-feigning tears and asking for forgiveness and Would Move to Florida to be with him. However, I soon found out he was writing at least 3 other women asking could he come live with them-saying he had “never had a serious girlfriend before “(the same lie he told him the week we met). the last time ever spoke to him-I had strep throat and was on antibiotics and could barely swallow water and was dehydted. he called my phone asking me to send him money and I texted him no and he called. I could babrely talk above a whisper, but he yelled and demanded me to talk to him. I told him “No. You have no respect for me and I’m sick. It hurts to talk.” his exact words to me were “Bitch, I should choke whatever life you have left in you.” I was stuneed. I told him. ‘yOU ARE A PSYCHOPATH AND YOU BELONG IN JAIL. I’M NOT LETTING YOU ABUSE ME ANY LONGER. YOU HAVE AN EVIL HEART.” and with that, I hung up on him, and have not spoken to him ever since. That was 4 months ago, and I changed my number and emails. It hasnt been eas to recover, especially because I sometimes have nightmares about him finding me. not to mention hes emailed me several times asking for forgiveness (as usual). What Ive learned form this ordeal is-trust your insticts, don’t put a man you hardly know over family, and be assertive no matter how intimidating a Sociopath can be. You are the greater one, and your true strength lies within your spirit.
Your first gut feeling was right. If you want to see how a man will be look at his relationship with the mother.
It is funny how we stop listening to ourselves and our inner voice and instead listen to someone else thinking it will be ‘ok’ the sociopath is very persuasive.
Sounds like you have had a lucky escape to get away from him and it is good that you have a supportive family.
Welcome to the site and thank you for sharing your story.
thanks so much. and even though its unfortunate we all have had to go through these experiences..at least we know that were not alone. I was really scared and I didn’t even know my situation happened to other people.
I was scared too. I also felt ashamed that this had happened to me. Other people think why can’t you just move on? It’s not that easy as they play with your mind and your emotions.
UPDATE: So after another month, said Sociopath ex writes me (from a new account he created) on facebook casually asking how im doing. my instincts were telling me not to respond, but my naivete got the best of me and I responded. he then proceeds to confess his “love” for me and apologize for what happened between us. he said he knew I didn’t want to be with him but could we “at least be friends”. I didn’t want to, but somehow he managed to persuade me into saying “ok.” I feel awful and ashamed talking about it because I should have just trusted my better judgement. I told him today I needed to keep things broken off with him because it was killing me inside (he would still send constant messages each day) and he got angry at me saying “I knew you were gonna cut me off that’s why Ive been distant. (yet he messages me constantly) I knew if you didn’t want to be with me you wouldn’t be friends either. DON’T WRITE BACK TO ME. GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK. ”
sigh, I wish I would have just not responded. does anyone else have this problem-resisting temptation to respond/be persuaded by the sociopath? I could really use some tips and advice. I trying my best to keep him cut off, but some things are difficult to maintain.
thanks,
Esperanza
Hi everyone it’s me PR 🙂
I thought I’d put this here to help or heal or just a giggle 😉
Which brings me to my closure:-
On the 27th January 2014,after 10 months which was the last time I saw the Soc, he called!!!
I last saw him in March, the night before he flew off to the Uk on business which as we all know was the OW grooming business!
(I went No Contact fully when the police called me in June 2013. I had had a few words with the Soc but, it was business as usual from him anyway!)
Originally, back in the beginning his parting text to me was,
‘You’ll be fine, move on’.
That was it, that was all I got after 10 years! 😦
‘ No More I love You’s’ Thank you Annie Lennox 🙂
He was slightly (ever so slightly, pissed off at my attempt to expose his lifestyle too all & sundry (yay me!)
(Oops, told you I found the site later 😉
Anyways here I was sitting reading an article on Covert Narcissists & had just pressed send to the writer of said article to thank him as, I finally had the final puzzle piece & Voila,my mobile phone rang, No Caller ID.
My girlfriend often rang from a new number so, I had gotten over staring at the phone month’s ago.
Back then, I secretly yearned for him to call me just so, I could tell him off!
This is part there of the conversation as I can recall it;
Me: “Hello” really friendly cause I think it’s my friend.
Soc: “Hello” pause & silence….
Me : In my head, OMFG!!!! WTF!!! Potty Mouth again 😉
Me: “Whatsup”….WTF!!!
Who says that, I normally don’t, I channelled some American dude!!! I am Australian 🙂 G’day mate? (Nah), ‘What’sup!!!???!!!
I am in shock…..Breathe, just breathe….(shit, shit, shit). Gosh am cursing like a Banshee in my head ;).
Me: ‘Can I help you?’ dah!
Really???
Help you (that will be the day!). Yes, I am now a f*@king formal receptionist! Where the hell is ‘Me’ on a lunch break???
The Conversation starts;
Soc: “I am ringing to tell you, I haven’t stopped thinking of you & what happened & I’m ringing to apologize & explain a few things”.
Me: “Don’t you think 10 months is a little late for that?”
Soc: “Well, there’s a good reason for that & I would have called sooner but, you made it very difficult with all your texts & emails blah blah”.
Me: “Well under the circumstances & how I found out, what did you expect, a thank you?”
Soc: “No, I understand but, you didn’t have to go around contacting everyone”. He’s very controlled & monotone as usual.
Me: “Sorry but, didn’t you ring to apologize to me?”
I have decided to play it cool like him & have controlled my voice emotions although, am sweating like the proverbial pig!
Soc: “look I am really sorry for how I hurt you & I never intended to do that, you have always & still do mean a lot to me”
Soc: “I would have rang you sooner but, the OW insisted I have No Contact with you!”
Me: ” You’ve never struck me as the type that lets a woman tell him what he can’t do & you knew me & could have done the right thing even if it was more lies. You could have stopped the horse ( that’s me, the coltish filly) before it bolted!”…
“I believe you triangulated the situation?”
Soc: ” Yes, I should have”….Long silences have punctuated the conversation so….
Me” Well, do you want forgiveness Soc (name), I forgive you, there you go”.
Me: ” I forgive you for not being the man of integrity you led me to believe & I forgive you for lying & cheating behind my back Oh, & I forgive myself for allowing you into my life!”
Soc: “I didn’t ring for your forgiveness”…..silence….Hmmm telling words!
Me: “ok what did you want to tell me” & here goes the BS,(sigh) blah blah blah blah bloody blah!
Me: “So have you called to tell me your married?”
Soc : ” No, I am not married, nor am I getting married & for your information I am not engaged” (emphasis on I).
Soc: ” I did get my divorce though”…..Finally let the ex off the hook 35 years later!!! Big F#@king Deal!
Me: “So, OW said you were engaged, are you still together??? (argh my bloody curiosity but, wait for it….)
Soc : ” I am not engaged & yes we are together but, it’s not the way she said it was???” (really think I’m going to believe that she is the liar)
Me: ” Oh well, OW thinks she is/was engaged as, that’s what she told me & that you proposed in New York, whilst I thought you were in the UK”.
Soc: “That’s not what happened & I had no control over what she told you & I told her this was all her fault when she emailed you etc…”
Me: “I hope you aren’t blaming her, tell her from me Thank You for setting me free”
“I am eternally grateful to her for emailing me as, I had to look deep within & finally see myself & how I’d let myself be duped & conned & I faced up too finding myself & realizing just what & who you are!”
“I would never have done this otherwise without the two of you. So thankyou!”
“The amazing awareness & love I have had has literally blown my away”.
“All of the people I have met, far & wide, my family, my friends, my life has literally flourished, I am so grateful that as hard & as callous as it was, I have come out of it with such peace & power, it’s amazing”
Ahhhh my reverie, he’s just gobsmacked into silence.
Soc: “I just wanted to tell you that I still think of you daily”…..What the….so, he’s with the OW & thinking of me???
Me: ” Yes, I am sure you do, I am a wonderful person”.
He agrees’ & more flattery & yes, he misses me….Slap him up the side of the head someone please!!!
Me: “Yes it’s my dazzling personality” Okay so, now I am fully in love with myself & sounding completely La La…I then say,
‘Look, I don’t doubt that I am great but, not in a vain way & I have had plenty of offers ” (true)
“But, I never would have betrayed you or gone behind you back & I was authentic & trusted you”
Soc:” Yes, I know you did & I appreciated that & my feeling for you were genuine & real”….
Me : “well, you made your choice so, the rest is history”
Soc :” You must admit that we had some great times, it wasn’t all bad & I really enjoyed your company” Oh for f*#ks sake are you completely mad!
Me: ” Sorry but, what you did, your actions spoke volumes & I have nothing but, regret that I wasted 10 valuable years on you!”
Soc: “So your saying that we never had good times & I treated you badly”
Me: “What you did in the end negated the last 10 years & when I’m grey & old, I will view that time as one of the darkest periods of my life”.
Soc: “I am sorry you feel that way as I will remember it with great fondness”….
Me :” Look at it like this, someone you trust & value & think is your best friend, betrays you whilst pretending to have your best interest at heart”
“Stabs you in the front & back & then disappears, how would you feel if I’d done that too you?”
“I would never have done that too you & I took your advice & Moved On & it’s OVER!!!”
Silence, & he pause’s & says again, “I am sorry you feel like that & I do apologise for what I did!”
He never actually intended to let me go & would have continued to have his cake etc..
By the way, he did tell me he hadn’t moved all his stuff to the OW’s so, what does that say, ready for a quick escape?
Don’t get too settled, I’m not staying???
He’s angry at her for removing me from his life (yes he is).
I asked him to tell OW Good Luck, said Good Bye Soc & he hesitated & said Good Bye (my name) & I hung up, he was still on the other end!
P.S. I am now in contact with the OW for support & she has recognised his Pathy but, is still stuck. I ‘get’ her & truly hope she will be okay & free eventually. That is her journey, not mine. I am free 🙂
You are right it’s her journey and no longer yours…. So pleased to hear that you are on the mend.
They often bounce back when current supply is coming to an end. She probably isn’t making his life as easy as you did. They are never really sorry unless it involves loss for them. Just sorry that they got caught.
Hi Pos,
That is so right & I was told straight from the OW that he is displeased with her ending me as a supply source & she also said that if I had wanted him back etc…I could have done that! EEWWW NO WAY 🙂
I really am ‘over’ it all & cannot believe that it all happened & how much of a journey it was going to take me on in more ways than I could ever have imagined.
Staying NC is the only way to break free but, they will try & try to lure you into the game again even in a negative way.
An acquaintance even told me, he had been asking after me & had he called etc….I knew then that the ‘game’ was never over so, I told this person that I knew what the ‘game’ was & have no intention of ever seeing or hearing from this malevolent man again.
I asked this person to never speak of him to me as far as I am concerned he does not & has never existed & I refuse to ‘play’ or be part of this stupidity & delusion etc….Oh & I keep just being me & they know I am not faking being upbeat etc…I am free & happy at least that is what they will relay back to him 🙂
The OW writes to me about his lies etc…& control & manipulation & hopefully will break free one day but, as I told her ‘she needs to work out that for herself & I don’t judge her’. I also have no jealousy or envy that she is still with him. Rather I feel sorry that she is enduring the ‘mind games’ which are terrible & not something I wish on anyone.
Love PR xoxo
The phoenix is rising. ..congratulations PR!!!
He was “testing” the water to see what he can obtain from you. My Pinnochio called from another phone too, asked me to hear him, and use a script similar to your sp, “I miss you, all this time without you was so difficult, I don’t want to be alone…why we don’t live together?’ He speaks as if nothing happened, as is he can’t remember that his last text to me was a photo with his middle finger. I’m on my way to cross the “finish line” the freedom line…so I too can get my phoenix raising
Hi NMI 😃
These fools have no idea that we are graduating from the school of hard Soc’s 😁
My fool, like yours have no idea of the journey we’ve all been on & what we have learnt & shared etc…thankgoodness for this site & others as knowledge is power & we have our own support network here.
Imagine if we hadnt found ‘us’gee that would have been awful.
The Soc relies in going undetected but, not anymore. We cant save others the pain if these creatures but, we can help with support & understanding & thats a huge thing.
Your Diploma is in the mail NMI 😃
Freedom will be yours & as Pos says, Truth does set us free 😃❤️️
I am empowering the OW & sharing my Soc education. I never had it to arm myself & regardless of what she does etc…she has knowledge & my full support. No-one deserves the Soc treatment. She is a top physchologist so, understands ‘triangulation’ etc…& Cognitive Dissonace so, I speak her language & I speak the truth.
Be Happy NMI & I am sending you love & light always 👼🙏😘
PR xoxo
PR, I know at last that I’m free, free of hope that he will ever love me as I deserve, free to say “I love him, and I desire to him that he can someday know what it feel to truly love” I made my bet, I put all me on this bet, I lose everything but at last I’m free to regain myself. Happy sunday PR and to all the good women and men that are struggling to find themselves again, please don’t give up, you are on your way.
Wow PR
Very well handled my friend. As NMI said, the Phoenix has risen. That must have given you some satisfaction. How do you feel now?
I have been doing ok but am having some bad days again. I think because everything is so intense inside me. I’m trying to focus on being optimistic about the future, but struggle. So much unsurity. People think I’m too intense now, and I guess I am. I have so much to be intense about. The baby thing, the ex soc, what do I want to do with my life, my family of origin wounds, getting a job. You know… Just the small stuff.
Anyway, as always, you are an inspiration. Go you xx
Sorry for late response 😦 I had a big weekend which was great 🙂
To be honest, it did bring up ‘stuff’ again for me & like you, I try & focus on being positive even when I am not so much 😦
We are human & have been traumatised but, please believe that whilst I struggle some days etc…& have been accused of being ‘intense’ those times are less & less unless ‘triggered’.
He did ‘trigger’ me off a bit but, because of being able to talk here etc…I knew this would happen & have read & researched ‘betrayal bond’ & ‘cognitive dissonance’ so, have prepared myself & analysed my response’s from a more objective viewpoint.
In other words, I’ve allowed myself to feel the emotions & then rate them & work through them etc….I also don’t beat myself up nor do I let other’s that say, ‘move on’ etc…to affect my journey as it is mine to make & manage as best for myself.
If you are stressed or intense or sad or anything, that’s okay as you are still processing the trauma & you are different. You have changed & life is not the same but, that’s okay to admit & accept. Like growing up & finding that Santa isn’t real, your innocence is gone.
Saying that though, we can still enjoy Xmas & we can still enjoy life but, the fairy-tale doesn’t exist but, we do 🙂
We aren’t robots & we are human & we will take our wounds & heal them eventually. For a while though, the scabs will form & we will pick them & they have to heal again. You can’t stick a Band-Aid on an invisible wound so, heal that soul with the best balm that is ‘You’ & your knowledge that you are resilient & have survived a very huge life event. That’s an amazing thing you have done & it’s been bloody horrendous but, you have done it alone & your amazing & also an inspiration to us here 🙂 That’s important & we aren’t just words on a blog, we exist & we matter & we care & we will get there together I promise 🙂
Make no excuses for expressing yourself or feeling intense as it’s normal & I ‘get it’ so, you are never alone. I’m only in Melbourne remember so, under the same stars & shining for you 🙂
@PR, thank you! I’ll be waiting to the mail!
My Pinnochio has established contact I decide to break the no contact rule and for the last week have allowed his multiple calls, emails and messages,(I’m just tired of hiding I’m just tired of pledging to him to stop the insanity) I’m just silent, non responsive, hearing what he have to say, knowing that his words are hollow and doesn’t have any meaning. He doesn’t define me anymore. As I expected the “I miss you, I want to seHillBBMe you” turn to “why you don’t pay my passage to go to your house and I pay the other ticket so we can try again?” My answer? I’m broke I don’t have money. This is the magic answer to a fast change of theme. 😎 He says “you have changed” I answered, “you think so?” At the same time my mind answer, yes I have changed, and you are the same liar and opportunistic womanizer…he doesn’t have any patience,and he is not getting what he wants (a free ticket to a vacation to the caribbean with meals, transportation and 5 minutes walking distance beach and a women who loved him with all her body and soul)so I know it’s a matter of days to another of his tantrums and his disseaperance act…and maybe at last it will be the last.
Stay No Contact as any contact or reply is all designed to ‘keep you’ in any shape or form. The betrayal bond is re-established each time they connect with you even via a text or email or in my case the phone call.
I became ill after his call & I realised this was because he had triggered all the memories that flooded back & I became anxious & unsettled once again. It’s like any trauma & each time they invade your thoughts or actually reconnect then off you go again with the ‘betrayal bonds’ etc…Cognitive dissonance can be a problem also so, you must keep moving forward & stay No Contact or you will continue to be ‘controlled & manipulated etc…it’s just a huge game to him & you are a player so, leave the game & do not engage in his BS ever again.
NMI you have come too far to be played by him anymore & the game for you & him is over hopefully.
Stay Strong & NO CONTACT is the only true way out ever.
If mine contacts me again, I shall ask him not to bother or I’ll call the police as he did on me!
Love & Light & beautiful beaches for a beautiful lady & off into the sunset for you 🙂 Cha Cha Cha 😉
PR xoxo
@kara. WTF?!!!! ” they manipulate lie and hurt people who deserve it”????? U don’t belong here if that’s how u feel. U have no idea what Socs do to innocent people like those of us on here. If UR so happy defending UR soc then move on and live the lie if feeds u bc that’s what UR getting. All lies.
Everyone is welcome here Judah.. Whether they are with them, leaving, or have left and in recovery – or if you have left and are fully recovered… Even sociopaths – as long as their are no personal attacks against anyone 🙂
Then they should think before they speak. I know I did not deserve what my soc did to me and I won’t take anybody saying otherwise. …..just sayin
I don’t think she said that anyone deserved it Judah. I only have one rule here and that is no personal attacks on anybody. This person might be deluded and in a few months time might need our help. You know how they create a mask of deception and illusion. Many victims have no idea of the truth until it comes out. Esp if the sociopath is the charismatic type.
A few questions and observations…..how does it come up in conversation when you have met someone that they have been clinically diagnosed as a sociopath? And after this person has revealed this to you…..do you just keep dating them? Also, if it is true that they had the tests done to be diagnosed……..why did they have the tests done? What event would force you to do this? Would you do it voluntarily? Did they get more than one opinion? I mean, does the guy say……..”hey I really like you but just want you to know I’ve been clinically diagnosed as a sociopath……so you want to go out?” Why would a sociopath even reveal this???? Better yet, why would you come on a site like this and “brag” about it. Like you really have that “special” one in a million sociopath? Because the sociopath has recognized that you are that one in a million victim? Your sociopathic “love” is different than the everyday sociopath “relationship”? Meaning all of us here had the run of the mill soc crazy relationship…….but not you….oh no, this is different……..this is uncommon, special, unique, a crazy, silly soulmate soc love that will be different than all the rest……….lol
Don’t worry about Kara as she is either an enabler/follower or a Soc masquerading as a target etc…
Really, any reaction to them is just what they want so, best not to comment if it upsets you too much 😦
Pos is correct in allowing them as they are reading & watching anyway & sometimes try & suck us in but, true too form they always give themselves away for the ‘fools’ they are.
Pay them no mind. They are the ultimate mind f*@kers so, even if Kara is a willing target then that is her journey & if Kara is a Soc then, that’s really pathetic & typical to play ‘pretend’. If they could be themselves, they’d never make it through another minute so, they creep around like the crawlies they are out of the depths of their own insecurities & pain of never being real.
Keep Strong & stay Real
Love & Light Always BFF 🙂
PR xoxo
@positivia………..exactly, so that would mean a court order and a court order means the law/courts are involved and your mental health was in question…….which means something serious was going down……..not in a good way
@Kara. I hate to say this, but you might not see the deceit straight away. It can be the little things in the relationship to start off with, the little remarks. My Spath slowly turned me crazy and than did the big betrayal towards me when I was no longer required and he found a new supply. At this stage I was also very vulnerable and seeing a therapist. This, of course, was turned around into being my fault in some weird way. I now look back and realise that he started to hurt me 4 months into the relationship when he started to ask me for money but also acting oddly in the way that made me feel like I wasn’t his girlfriend but just a person he knows.
BTW, my Spath told me that he wouldn’t ever hurt me and that I can trust him….BIGGEST lie ever. What a load of bullshit! Unfortunately I did trust him.
I didn’t deserve the betrayal or hurt at all. I gave 100% into that relationship plus more. I hope that one day you don’t wake up and find out a secret and lie that the Spath has done to you that could rip you apart and almost kill you, like it has for so many people here.
PLEASE be very careful. He might be showing you love right now but they easily turn. Also, they do not know HOW to love, only know how to ACT out love.
@ Still Broken…..I am a slave to my phone. I constantly have it by my side. I started this behaviour during my relationship with the Spath. It is very hard to give up after the relationship. I am slowly looking at the chat apps and other stuff less and less.
@positiva….know what you mean. People do stop asking and expect that you are over it, especially when you put on a brave face in front of everyone. It hurt me but oh well, that’s life.
After my spath contacted me last time, it has been 2 weeks. Not a word from him and I have no desire to contact him at the moment. I move into my new house in about 2 weeks and then go overseas for a relaxing holiday. A couple of positives to look forward too and that is the way I have decided to help move on. Always having something to look forward to in life but also not forgetting about the little things that are positive things in my every day life.
That sounds like a great way to look at life ex and really healing too. You need something to look forward to to offer hope. Sounds like life might be turning a corner for you 🙂
Each time they make contact, you must stay No Contact as they reconnect the Betrayal Bond which then triggers everything that you have fought so hard to survive 🙂
This is designed to ‘keep you’ whether is be just to use you further or to make sure they are in your thoughts etc…they never let go ever!
The ‘slave to the phone’ is also a ploy designed to keep you ‘hanging on’ & I was the same.
My Soc would call & if I didn’t answer would make me feel guilty as if I had been ‘up to’ something etc…whereas he was ‘up to’ everything!
It’s all part of the game of cat & mouse that they relish with great delight.
Once I was really over his games & didn’t answer his calls & eventually he came around to ‘see if I was okay?’ I thought he was worried but, now I know, that he was angry that I had stopped ‘playing’ etc…he did this other times as well.
Keep staying positive & fill your life with everything you can & enjoy it all.
The best revenge is living ‘happy’ & I can attest to the fact that they hate ‘losing’ control of you & it does bother them that you are free.
Love & Light & no longer a slave to mind control ever again 🙂
PR xoxo
OMG I’m so glad I found this website because I’ve been feeling so alone, confused, and traumatized after finding out my ex is a sociopath pathological liar. We were dating for two years and within the two years I broke it off three times because I always felt that something was off about him and felt a disconnect. But of course he would come back with sob stories of him not being able to give it his all because of an ill uncle (that was a lie), he lost his job (that was a lie), his mother is mentally ill (that was a lie), and the list goes on. He always promised things would be different and to just be patient and give him time. I always felt something was off with his stories but who would dare question family illness/death? Whenever I would confront him, I was always to blame, I was the one with issues, my favorite “you let people mess with your head”. He would call me selfish for not understanding that he’s going through a lot. Heck he even went as far as complaining to my roommates and friends of how I’m not being a supportive and that I am not as interested in the relationship as he is. He would tell me he cares about me and loves me and wants to take the next step and get a place together. Sadly, throughout the whole relationship, I really did believe I was the messed up one and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t trust him. I thought I had trust issues with people when in reality my trust issues was with myself because my intuition was telling me to run and never look back. Well luckily, the universe showed me the truth about this guy. Turns out he’s engaged and is also active on match.com claiming he’s single…When I confronted him about his engagement, he denied it got really defensive and said I always believe rumors and let people get in my head. Unbelievable. It would be nice if there was a sociopath registry site…
I’m just getting out of emotionally draining “fling” with a man who exhibited many sociopathic traits, and after having been told, unprompted, by 3 different people that this man is a sociopath, I’ve started to do some research, and came across this site. I’m so glad I did.
I had seen him around campus a few times a week for awhile, because we study in the same field, but because he is a graduate student, we had never interacted and I didn’t know his name. I was dating another man for all of fall semester last year, and I base my feelings largely off of emotional connection, so I never experienced any feelings of attraction towards him until I met him, although he is incredibly physically beautiful-the tall, dark and handsome type, always impeccably dressed and groomed. When we met, the relationship with my boyfriend was on the rocks, and I had become lonely and isolated, because of devoting all my energy to making this relationship work, so the “sociopath” came into my life at a time when I was very vulnerable. We were the only 2 people in a certain hall, and he came up to me, told me he was very nervous for a big presentation he had to give, (ha, him nervous?) and asked if I would be the audience for his run-through. I obliged, wanting a break from my work. His presentation had to do with the charity organization he heads, which was really interesting and probably, looking back, was his first step in endearing me to him. He was an excellent speaker, and I will be the first to admit that he does some really exceptional things when it comes to helping others through his work. I gave him feedback, and we ended up talking for hours in that room, about everything under the sun. I am an awkward woman when it comes to meeting new people, but being around him completely removed any social insecurity that I had. He was so charming and confident, and had an absolutely arresting smile that lit up the room with his intense, amber eyes. When he talks to a person, he makes them feel like they are the only person in the world that matters to him. Now that I’ve read through various lists of sociopathic traits, I recognize that his interested, unwavering gaze is probably just the sociopath stare. Yuck. He asked for my phone number at the end of our long conversation, and by the time he left, I was smitten with this man who had made me believe that I could know him. I broke up with my boyfriend that night. The next day, he visited me again, and we talked about our studies for awhile. He had a business meeting, and said he’d like to take me out to dinner and drinks afterward, to celebrate the success of his presentation. Sociopaths are supposed to be unorganized and unreliable, but he was flawlessly punctual, which confuses me now. He bought me drinks and asked me deep, personal questions about my life, gazing into my eyes across the table the whole time. “Tell me more about that”, he’d say, always engaged. “If you could live anywhere in the world for the next two years, where would you go?” He laughed easily and we stayed at the restaurant until after midnight. I don’t sleep with men on the first date, because I guard my heart after being hurt a lot in the past, but there was something about him that caused me to want him uncontrollably, more than I had ever wanted another person-so we slept together. He walked me home, his arm around me, and kissed me goodnight on my forehead. I struggle with depression off and on, and had been in a very dark place for the better part of the last year, but being around the beautiful facade that was his persona for just 2 days, had begun to lift my veil of sadness and I thought he was bringing a much-needed light into my life. For about 2 weeks, he would make an effort nearly every day to include himself in my life, even though he is incredibly busy. He would visit me while I was studying, talk to me for as long as he had time for, bring me homemade baked goods, chocolates, and candy, and buy me coffee. He wasn’t overly sweet or complimentary in his words, but his actions conveyed his interest. When I would visit him at his apartment, he would cook for me, but would never let me sleep over. He was so sorry for my walk home in the cold, he’d say, but never offered to let me stay. I was disappointed, but understood that men sometimes do not want to be vulnerable so early on in a relationship. Then he went away for a few days on a business trip. When he came back, he was distant and closed off. Always flawlessly polite, but distant. I attributed it to him being busy. We would go days without seeing each other, and I spent all day hoping he would visit for just 10 minutes. It seemed as though he had lost interest in pursuing me, because I had already been conquered, and he could have me any time he wanted without putting in the effort. I was on the back burner. After awhile without any intimate contact with him, I asked a friend (the first time I’d told anyone about us) what his actions might mean. She told me that she used to love him, and he had hurt her, and she knew many, many other women whom he had used for sexual playthings, drawing them in with his confidence and success and then tiring of them, either ceasing contact with them, or ignoring them until he felt lonely, then using them for sex. Apparently he was sleeping with many other women on the days he was not with me, and he said and did the same sweet things to all of them. I was heartbroken, but too in love to leave him. I did, however, start seeing the signs that something was off with this man. He is perceptive, and his people-skills are so fantastic that it is scary. He always knows exactly what he’s saying, how he’s saying it, and how his words and actions are going to affect the specific person he’s interacting with. Those skills are why he has a good career, but he also uses them to manipulate people into doing what he wants. He could talk his way into a woman’s pants in 5 minutes-and does. The more I was around him, the more I realized that it constantly felt as if he had a mask on, and probably didn’t know how to take off that mask. He was impossible to know, and I knew he was bad news but I couldn’t quit him. The mask he was wearing was so beautiful and practiced that it felt almost genuine, but everything he said to me was planned with a purpose. Every man I know was intimidated by him, because of his innate attractiveness, extreme intelligence, aura of sexuality, and confident manner of carrying himself. I realized that, unless he is in bed with someone, or actively trying to get into bed with her, he treats everyone in the same way, as if everyone he comes into contact with is a business associate he has to win over. And almost no one knew about all the women he was seeing, because he tells half-truths to hide his actions, and sweetly manipulates his girls into keeping everything quiet to “protect his career”. When I talked to another friend, who told me that he is a sociopath and men like him prey on young, naive, vulnerable women like me, I decided to end it with him. I was emotionally destroyed, embarrassed, and nervous. I let him know that I knew he was seeing other people, and I liked him, but didn’t want to get hurt. He displayed no signs of emotion as I poured my heart out to him, he just sat there, giving me that unbreakable gaze. “Is that ok with you?” I asked when I had finished. “Yeah, that’s fine”, he said, “but I need you to keep what happened between us quiet. I know you’ve told people about us and I don’t want anything to reflect badly on me and my career (meaning he didn’t want his other conquests to know about me).” I had never said anything negative about him to other people, but when I care for someone, I need to talk about my feelings, and he didn’t seem to understand that. He then told me that he didn’t really care to get to know the details of my life, he didn’t care who I was sleeping with besides him (no one), and I shouldn’t care who else he’s seeing, blaming me for developing feelings for him, because that’s not part of our interactions together. He said this all very calmly, with a smile on his face. He completely de-legitimized the fact that I had developed strong feelings for him because of actions he had deliberately taken to make me like him. He walked away, unscathed, and left me a wreck. At first, I thought he was just another womanizer, but he had no empathy for my predicament, is egotistical, manipulates everyone he knows into giving him whatever he wants (and they are happy to do so), and never displays any sort of negative emotional reactions. My heartbreak has turned into anger, but I also feel sorry for him because how sad it must be to not be able to experience the full scope of human emotions.
It’s awfully hard coming to the realisation that someone you care for is a Sociopath but, well-done you for having the wherewithal to see him for what he is before he stole years of your life.
You will be angry & you will be hurt but, you are free & so wise to have worked him out Bravo 🙂
continue to understand & stay here for support as we do understand that an entanglement with this type of persona has far reaching consequences but, you are free & so much more aware & that is fantastic 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I have recently been reading the book “Antifragile” by Nicholas Taleb. The book mentioned a concept that was new to me called Post-Traumatic Growth. “a phenomenon called post-traumatic growth, the opposite of post-traumatic stress, by which people harmed by past events surpass themselves”.
It immediately brought to mind what I have been seeing happening to many members of this forum, and what I myself have been experiencing, after a long spell of no contact. Once the FOG has lifted and healing commenced it is possible to build an improved, happy life and become stronger than before. Changed, for sure, but stronger and better. Love to all.
@agoodplantoday….thank you for that info. I believe I have done that. Although I suffered from depression and anxiety, a few weeks after I found out about my Spaths extremely hurtful betrayal, I went and purchased a block of land. I don’t know why, I had never even thought seriously about it previously as my world revolved around my Spath and our so-called plans. I didn’t even have a deposit as I was supporting my spath so I had no money. In the end, my mum leant me the money to help me rebuild a new life, I got a $15,000 pay rise and promotion and all the stars aligned and I got approved for a home loan. I move into my new house soon. I also got a little dog. These are my positives I have in my life so when I have a down day, I think of how I am moving on, about to have a fresh start in a new house and how much better off I am without the lying, disgusting leach of a ugly soles man.
Fantastic! That is great news. It is amazing what can happen when you are afforded the opportunity to focus back on you. I had no idea of how much physical and emotional energy I had been using on a daily basis until NC took hold. I find I now have much more time for other endeavors now that I am out of the whirlwind.
I have read a few articles now on PTG and it gives me further optimism. Here is Wikipedia’s take: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post_traumatic_growth.
They certainly do suck all of your energy until their is nothing left and If you let them they will take everything else too. Until again there is nothing left.
🙂 🙂 🙂 I like this comment. So many positive things coming in for you!! Yay.
Dating a Sociopath 
A while ago I put my story on here – my near miss. I haven’t seen him for 5 months (he lives over 200 miles away so that makes that bit easier) but he keeps getting back in touch. He is extremely intelligent, literate and funny – but there is a very dark side to him that comes out in his obsession with death/illness/rape. Since first starting talking on 12 August 2013:
1. HIs sister had terminal cancer
2. When I had a problem with my pancreas, he “admitted” he had pancreatic cancer and was being treated with radiotherapy “when [he was] in the country” – he says he travels with his job, I think he probably has in the past – he’s very informative about the countries he’s travelled in (including Russia, so not exactly Spain!) but I don’t think he does now. He just pretends to. Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst – you don’t generally get the option to pick and choose when you have treatment … or you’re dead.
3. His sister died (life support switched off) on our second meeting – he had to rush off amid a flurry of texts – none of which I saw – and pretend phone calls.
4. His father died three weeks later “of a broken heart”
5. He started chemo two days before Christmas – but the hospital he said he was attending have no record of him whatsoever – I had a PI check him out
6. He still lives as “husband and wife” with his supposedly ex-wife – the PI found this out for me as well
Since Christmas:
7. HIs father died again!!! Lol! I asked him whether maybe his dad didn’t like being buried in September so had come back to be cremated to keep warm? He didn’t speak to me for a few days and then it was as if it had never been said.
8. Last weekend, his 32-year old nephew apparently committed suicide by hanging himself on the anniversary of my SOC’s son’s best friend’s suicide (get that one!) – but it has not managed to reach the papers, curiously enough.
9. He was apparently contacted by his ex-girlfriend’s brother (he was only with her for about 6 months) because she had been very badly beaten up by her ex and gang-banged on the kitchen table by a group of his friends – the description was so graphic it could have come out of a book. So he (the SOC) had to go and help put the house back together and “provide moral support”. But apparently it can’t be reported to the police, EVEN THOUGH HER BROTHER IS APPARENTLY A POLICEMAN!!!
10. He said yesterday he was in hospital visiting her as “he felt he had to help” – when I asked him which hospital he got incredibly angry and disappeared.
I am now blocked again – for about the 100th time. But I know he’ll be back.
I actually think he is barking mad, despite his obvious intelligence, and potentially very dangerous. His mind is in a very dark place a lot of the time. So, sociopath … or psychopath?
I think, this time, it’s time to keep him blocked.
Last night I watched on the TV a segment about Simon Gittany. He has been found guilty of murdering his fiance, Lisa, by throwing her off the 16th floor balcony in Sydney. He now has a new girlfriend who is so naive and hypnotised. He is, without a doubt, a textbook Sociopath.
They showed a text or a conversation (can’t remember) to his new fiance a few days after their engagement. It gave me chills as it was very similar to something mine sent me and my reply was very similar to Lisa’s. I have also read many others on here saying the same thing. He told her that he loves her but she has problems and she needs to rid of them.
The story fascinates me. It has made me realise just how lucky we all are to have escaped before it got to the same point Lisa got. Unfortunately, his new girlfriend is so smitten, she has excuses for everything he has ever done. I just hope that one day she sees the light but not get to the stage Lisa did.
Hi ex def an s,
I wanted to watch that but decided at the last minute not too. Wasn’t in the mood to be reminded of sociopaths. He is definitely a text book case. Scary. And the new fiancé is so badly brainwashed. You are right we have really dodged a bullet. My ex soc’s ex wife tried to kill herself and their two daughters before they broke up and is still tagging around like a puppy dog (pretty sure she slept with him when we were “so happy and in love” ).
I’m glad I have nothing more to do with him. Ever again.
Peace
I think pr said about this case earlier and said that it looks like classic sociopathic behaviour.
Yes, I agree. Someone needs to show her a list of characteristics of a sociopath and then she may wake up to all of his lies. I remember when I was receiving counselling after finally leaving my ex. She told me to go home and google the word sociopath. Omg, it was like a personal description of my partner. I use to question his odd behaviour, lack of empathy etc.. constantly, never took any responsibility for anything and I always ended up feeling like it was my fault.
The lies about myself after I finally left were horrific. I had a nervous breakdown and had to move away from my home town. It has been two years now, but the pain still runs deep. I have moved back ,but avoid areas so as not to run into people that believe all his hurtful lies. I have had so many people completely ignore me that were once friends, it hurts so much.
And to think I would have been almost mortgage free by now, but after working 2 jobs for 10 years my mortgage is double. I feel such a fool. My kids hated him, but I was so brainwashed that I feel so pathetic that I wasn’t strong enough to leave way, way earlier. Healing is a long process !
@ Debbie
Its such a waste of your time & effort . Most of us here have been hit in a similar fashion by these lunatics . I m so sorry for your losses . Try & stay strong , I would like to write a pile more , but I m having a rough couple of days at the mo .
😠😔
Keep on chipping away , try & look forward 😜😜😜
Cheers
Nick
@Near miss…and the nominees for best Pinocchios at real lifes are. .
Please no more contact, nobody deserves all this insanity
@ Pos,
The Simon Gittany case has been fascinating.
A forensic psychologist said he was one of 3 personality disorders, Narc/BPD & I can’t remember the last one Doh!
Wow, you should see the hold he has on the new Girl & what she excuses re his stalking & abusive background…she’s really brainwashed or braindead…
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/2014/02/10/06/32/gittany-girlfriend-louise-defends-him
Although I have been reading the amazing articles on this site since last July, this is the first comment I am posting… and, to be honest, I don’t know where to start from. I am completly broken and I feel hurt and betrayed beyond reason. I would like to share my story with you… knowing that this will make me feel better I know 🙂
Just as a bit of background – I am almost 39 years old, and have been in stable relationships throughout my adult life, including one marriage to the most amazing man who was and still is my best friend (the marriage sadly didn’t work out)
Almost 2 years ago I met this person whilst on a business trip. It only took a few seconds across a boardroom table when our eyes locked, and I knew he was The One for me! We started to exchange emails, and Skype calls and we met up two months later. It was magical! I have just oved to a new town where, very luckily for us, his work HQ are based. We spent 2 blissful weeks together then it was time for him to leave (he works in the field). Of course, we were both positive that this was finally the love we had been searching for all our lives, and I have never, ever been as happy! Over the next few months, the following happened:
Jealous rages (him of course) over things that happened in my past, way before I met him!
I started to feel that he was controlling me, throwing tantrums, ‘walking away’ from the relationship, only to come back full of new, realistic promises which I always, always believed! The plan was (until yeaterday) for him to move to our home in a couple of months, get a job at his HQ and basically we would live happily ever after. Of course, being an adult, I know that life has ups and down, yet this person has the ability of making me feel on top of the world one day, and as low as a pebble within hours. The strange thing is that he always ‘flips’ over nothing – just making up excuses to walk away from the relationship, inventing silly issues to ‘justify’ his walking away. He ruined my birthday and a family Christmas I planned with my parent. My best friends have told me, gently but firmly, that warning signs should have been going off in my head a while ago, and yes, I was and still am blinded by love. I have never loved anyone the way I love him, and I know (or so I think!) that he loves me. He has family issues that are making it hard for him (kids) but I’ve constantly promised to be by his side and work through everything together. He also likes to drink too much at time, and then becomes unbearable, calling me at all times of the night and becoming very abusive (verbally) – calling me horrible, degrading names, just to pick a fight! Of course, I never stoop to his level but try to keep my head above it all, but it hurts. It really hurts. We try to meet for a few days every month and we have always managed. Aside from the normal day to day life in a loving relationship, life when we are together is amazing beyond words – he is loving, gentle, thoughtful, caring, generous, fun… all the qualities I have ever wanted in a life partner. Yet, when we are apart, he gets dark moments when he is a completely different person, and I hate it! I keep telling myself that when he will come home for good, all will fall into place. He constantly tells me how much he longs to come home and live a normal life with me, and not a life of phone calls and emails! He is 14 years older than me. He has told me all about his past – which included a lot of casual relationships whilst being married for 26 years. Now that I am putting all this in writing, I am starting to think that I have been very, very stupid and naive, characteristics I never thought I had. He was always very pleasant to my friends and always so apologetic whenever he returns from a ‘walk out’ – promising me that things will change – asking me to relax and not worry – that I am worth fighting for and that he will never lose me because I am the love of his life and the best thing that has ever happened to him. TOgether we have furnished our home (mostly paid by him), bought a new car (he paid the bulk of it) and have been ‘building’ our life.
We were due to meet this weekend for 10 days, and all was v v well last night – once again we spoke (lovingly and happily) and said goodnight. A couple of hours later I receive a text accusing me of sleeping with someone I worked with 3 years before I met him!!!!! I honestly can’t understand. Then he went all cold on me – saying ‘This is over. I have a right to change my mind – stop calling me’ Thais has been a recurring pattern and I am seriously tired. Emotionally and mentally I am drained and so so sad. I know that he will ‘come back’ – somehow he always does, but I don’t know what to do any more. I am so in love with him. That is the problem and I think/thought that he is in love with me. I have cried so much in the last months, but each tear was always ‘compensated’ by the good times – the times we built our life. I am lost.
Thank you to anyone who has read this. I am feeling broken, alone and completely deflated. 😦 😦
Now that I have begun writing…
I also feel afraid of him at times, never when we are together, but when we are apart I am always worried that I will trigger him off. Having read so many comments on this site, I have started to see common trends, although I don’t know if he is a SP. I have caught him in lies numerous times, usuallyon silly things, but lies nonetheless. He has this amazing ability of seeking out all information on me online. In his darkest moments, during one of our ‘breaks’, I was even accused of being a porn star! How much more can I take! The very sad thing is that everything in our home reminds me of him! Only last week we went shopping (I was really on tenterhooks, as I was healing from his ‘walkout’ over the holidays) and we bought matching watches – for life (or so he said!) He even bought me a bag and insisted I have it monogrammed with my name and the initial of his surname ‘because that is who I am and who I always will be’ I wondered whether this was a good idea, but he can be very very convincing and I have a tendancy to believe him! I am so low. I am so broken. I feel … 😦 😦
He was always telling me ‘there is and will never me a ME without YOU’. Was I wrong to believe him? Should I have walked out myself earlier – anything to save the heartbreak I am currently experiencing. This recurring pattern of behaviour should have sent me running for the hills but I chose to believe that love can really conquer anything. I have been his support, his stability over the months we have been together, and yet, never found him when I needed him the most. Part of me really wants him to come back, whilst part of me is regretting ever meeting him and proudly wearing an engagement and eternity ring, which seem nothing but accusations to me now!! I am totally lost and broken into a million pieces. He is a good person, or so I thought. Now I am doubting everything… even if he loves me or ever did.
He would always refer to me as his ‘wife’ not only when we are alone but would introduce me to all his colleagues as such. In so many ways, I have always felt that I was/am his wife. I have loved like never before – with my heart and soul and everything in between. The sad thing is that I know that I have been treated badly. I know it. Yet, I was always under the impression that love and patience, trust and care could overcome everything and make him a better person. Whenever we are together, he is amazing. Yet when we are apart, he sometimes turns into a bully and a monster. Sorry for writing so much – I just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you for reading. I am broken.
Hi Sandy,
I am so sorry that it has taken so long to respond to your comment, which would have left you without support here. Welcome to the site. When you comment now your comment will go through.
Hi Sandy 🙂
Really hard time for you as we all know 😦
I was ‘the wife’ & introduced as his partner etc…just didn’t realize, he had so many 😦
Just stay here & share, get support & vent away as we have all been down or are on the road to recovery from this abuse etc…
Stay strong & remember, you were always real & he wasn’t but, you gave him something special & that’s really a great gift 🙂 The Greatest!
He can’t appreciate it, none of them do 😦
We are just trophy’s & possessions but, never truly valued for our true hearts 😦
You have something he will never ever have.
A feeling,loving,kind & compassionate heart & you cannot save the lost souls.
You can however save yours & you will 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
Sandy, get rid of everything as it creates a tie 😦
Give it to charity or have it stored somewhere until you can deal with it. Then have the house ‘smudged with sage’ if your into that.
He has created those memory prompts as in mementos etc…for a reason.
He will be back as he considers you ‘his’ so, read & learn & ‘power up’.
You deserve someone healthy & normal,not a mind ‘f*#king game player!
Oops, sometimes I get ‘potty hands’ & write crude stuff 😉
Still, if your in a relationship with a ‘devil’ it does rub off but, not for ever.
Love & light to you Sandy & him, they hate it 😉
PR xoxo
run away quick, because you will run sooner or latter, better sooner than later, life can be so much better, Im now married to a wonderful normal man who loves me and makes me laugh and is so kind everyday.
He has mental issues. Exactly like mine had. Please leave him and find your life again. I did that and im so happy now. Love is not suffering, I got married to the most amazing man and my married life now is full of laughter, good moments, not a bad word, kindness, help from him, intelligent talks, love and beauty.
Sandy, I noticed that you said he referred to you as ‘wife’. This really caught my attention, because my ex who I had only dated for 3 months started calling me ‘wife’ right away, and make comments like ‘you are such a good wife’, and even go as far as to joke about an imaginary son we have he called ‘little Timmy’. Eventually it got so annoying and weird to me that I told him to knock it off. Now I realize that in the back of my mind I knew that the only reason he was saying those things was to make me feel closer to him, and because he was familiar with the cliche that every woman wants to get married and have children, so he played on that in his attempt to play the part of ‘the one’. He just assumed that saying such things would make a girl feel good and appeal to her, and he didn’t understand that its actually somewhat creepy when we have only known each other a week. One thing I have learned from my situation is that if a guys means of charm and flattery are out of place and inappropriate by most peoples norms, then that’s a red flag.
Hi there. How do you post on here please? Xx
Hi you should be able to post now 🙂
I feel for you! But I want you to listen and take my advise. I have been with a socoipath for 8 years now. We don’t live together. I to was madly in love. The mind games have been the worst. HE has drama ever min of his life and blames his kids for all the drama. It’s him and tons of lies. He tells me he is on his way over and he never shows up and doesn’t even call. My advise to you is get away from him and do so with help. I’m taking the same advise and getting help to get away from him. This is no way for you and I to have to live like this! He will never change, you will never have a normal life with him, it’s IMPOSSIBLE.! Take it from me. 8 years nothing has change at all. His lies about anything and everything. I will be your suport juliestremfelatyahoo.com. STOP fooling yourself it will never be right!
Jewels
Thanks so much for your support. Being on this site is an amazing help and it is so good to know that there are others who have gone through the same thing. I really appreciate the love and support.
Stay strong Sandy, yes unfortunately for you, he is one of them SP. We have all had them, it is even harder when you go through it and don’t know what is going on. At least you have found this site in time to save yourself from what might go on for years and possibly destroy your life. You have to be strong and listen to all of us who have been through this and cut contact and try and move on. They are all the same. After 2 and my life being destroyed completely, I have now found this site. I can only try and heal now, but you have the chance to escape. Please do it.
Hey girl! I cried reading your info. I can feel how much you are yearning a normal love. Someone for you. Like all the other girls. A guy that just wants her. The only thing you have to remember is that no one will change him. He will keep on doing exactly what he is doing to you and to anyone else that comes his way. ITS NOT YOU!!!! xoxoxo
What a valuable comment!! Thank you! I have reached the point where I can’t understand myself anymore, which is even more worrying. I come from a very loving family, and have very few but very good close friends who only want the best for me. If I look around me, I know that I am blessed, and yet, I keep looking past his shortcomings… and I don’t know why. My health has really suffered in recent weeks and he was very worried about me, even calling and texting my mum. I don’t know what to make of this. I see it as an act of love, but am I being played? When I stop to think of all the disappointments I have been through in the last 2 years (almost) we have been together, I am surprised that I have made it this far. Honestly. I have a very demanding job which I love, and I know that the stress of this relationship has cast a shadow over my life. I am also fortunate to have a wonderful ex husband who really cares for me and is there for me. The thing about my SP (if he is one) is that I feel that he doesn’t know that when you love someone, you need to be there for them in trying times. I have lovingly supported him morally and emotionally (never financially – that was always up to him) and I am now in two minds what to do: He is due to come home for good within the next couple of months (so he says!) I am sort of ‘testing ‘him in my head – saying to myself that if he does come home, then it will be for good, yet if he doesn’t, I will know. Funny I am thinking this way, and thank you to all of you for reading this. I work overseas and I live alone, away from him and away from my loving family, so it is very hard. Really hard.
What you, and everyone on this damn site need to realise, is that just because your petty little ex was a dickhead, does not mean he is a sociopath.
Some sociopaths are dicks. Some are nice. Some are neutral. Just like normal people. Learn the difference before stereotyping someone who is different.
Thank you for your ‘moral outrage’ comment. Am sure there are varying degrees of sociopathy. This site isn’t written for the benefit of sociopaths. So it probably wouldn’t be tailored to your liking. I wouldn’t expect it to be.
Hey pos, just goes to show how much they lack emotional understanding with dumb arse comments like lyss’s.
Honey, the hundreds of us on here have no proof that “nice” sociopaths exist. Nor do we care. We are here to heal from the damage created by sociopaths.
If your an example of a nice one then I’m afraid you need to learn what the word “stereotyping” means. While you are there, look up the criteria of what makes a sociopath – lack of empathy and compassion stand at the top. Therefore they can fake nice but not understand it. They will only be nice as long as it suits their needs. Because they dont have compassion nor understand empathy their idea of nice is based on mirroring and faking it to fit in… Until they get bored, or some one they are nice to slights them, then they are justified to retaliate right? Yeah, real nice.
And if you are not a sociopath and just a deluded partner of one… Come back in a year or two… You’ll be singing a different tune then.
@Lyss,
I always hear ‘send in the clowns’ when i read comments like yours.
Honestly, if self combustion were possible then wouldnt it be great if all the mean & nasty people imploded & all the liars caught fire 😁 there is nothing normal about a sociopath regardless of which mask they apply. Hmmm today I shall appear normal & tomorrow I shall be a dick! Such a range of choice, gee what character will I don today???
Maybe, I’ll drop by a healing site & make an incongruous statement? Yes, what else can I do to better spend my time? Yep, i hear the ‘carnival’ music starting up, ‘send in a clown!’
Love & Light 😃
‘Something wicked this way comes’
PR xoxo
Hahaha lol
If there’s one thing that get’s me angry, it’s when people lack all sorts of logic. I’m the clown? Remove your useless emotions and read your comment back to yourself.
I do not care if this site is tailored to my liking, if the only problem was the fact that I didn’t like the site, I wouldn’t have said anything.
Your illogical and clearly mislead thoughts that you’ve scribbled without thinking twice are the reason I’m commenting.
Sociopaths don’t wake up in the morning and say HEY I feel like being a big knobhead today, then nice tomorrow, they just go by exactly how they’re feeling. If they’re feeling crap, they’re not going to force themselves to act nice just to save someone’s feelings, but they alo won’t go out of their way to make someone’s feelings into a pile of shit. Chances are, they’ll just tell them person to fuck off, hope they understand or at least actually listen, then come back and explain later. Sociopaths have morals. and yeah, they create their own morals, but that just means they have the brains to not be a complete sheep like empaths.
If you met a real sociopath, you would never even notice, because you don’t even know what a sociopath is. Your solution to everything is to justify the idiocy of some people into a category to make yourself feel better. ‘Wah, he hit me’ ‘Oh that’s ok he’s a sociopath, that somehow makes it easier for you!’ Fuck, I do hate people who lack logic.
I don’t agree. You don’t think a sociopath will fake how they are feeling to get what they want? Hmm I don’t think that is a true statement.
I like your moral outrage. Same as the last socio in my world he always gets mad and takes the socios side. Even when there is no logic to it.
@positivagirl
There is a motive behind every action, however you make it seem like every motive is a bad one.
‘Normal’ people have motives for everything, too. You sit and have idiotic small talk for hours because it makes you feel less lonely. You counsel someone not to make them feel better, but to make yourself feel better about helping them, because for some reason you’d feel bad if you had ignored them. And then you talk about sociopaths as if they’re the only shit stain on the world.
Sociopaths merely have a sightly altered motive. They wouldn’t feel bad about ignoring someone if they were crying, however, they would most likely still go to console that person because it makes others see them as a good person.
Not all that much difference now, is there?
By this point I do hope you’ve come to the conclusion I know so much about them because I am one, however I just dislike speaking from a first person point of view. Why? Because I don’t like others speaking from that point of view, it always means I’ll have to sit there and listen to their life stories they think people actually care about.
I’m not stupid, I am aware that even empaths don’t care about someone’s life story and how miserable they are or some crap, but yet you still sit there and listen. And for what? Sociopaths merely have the brains to not torment themselves with that boredom.
Also, on a side note, sociopaths lie because they have to, because they’ve been brought up in a world where if they don’t, people will call them a freak for who they are.
I do tire of you people preaching individuality then contradicting yourself.
Go ahead, be black, asian, skinny, obese, gay, straight, male, female, OH but don’t be a sociopath, no, anything but that.
We’re not a bloody separate species, we just use our brains a lot more.
Someone asked if a Sociopath can love their child. I don’t believe they do. They play the role of doting father/mother and pretend to have those feelings but the child is a part of the game.
My Sociopath used his son at times to get money from me. Even though he never saw his son, he played on that to get to me and feel sorry for him. Towards the end of the relationship, when he found a new source, it seemed he had a total disinterest in his son. I also believe he has another child now so he has a new source in regards to having a child he can eventually use.
Thanks for the reply Ex def an S. I don’t believe a SP can love their children totally either after my painful experience, however they do a bloody good job at convincing the general population. I am still on the road to recovery so not always objective. 🙂
They dont love grandkids either.
Does this information come from personal experience Lydia? Just the thought of it makes me feel extremely sad for them but very happy I am me.
I was wanting to ask that question. My sociopath has 3 kids, he blames them for the reasons he doesn’t show up or call me. He says his life is just so full of drama. I say BS! He is the drama and we must all remember that sociopaths are cheaters, they don’t have the guilt, and they just don’t care. Most are leading doubble lives. REMEMBER THAT!
Jewels
Hello… Just noticed the Katy Perry video and thought this song might speak to you even more. It certainly does to me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPOtSknsdXs
I revealed my sociopathic boyfriend after 3 months – luckily, he didn’t manage to destroy my intuition completely. So I just experienced what might be called a “milder version” of all these stories… But pretty scary anyway. Good luck to everyone, and thanks a lot for this website. It helps to understand and overcome. Bye, L.
Thank you Lucie and welcome to the site 🙂
Lucie,
Amongst all the coincidences in these situations, one I have noticed is time as well. My situation was also about 3 months. First month was great with very few eyebrow raising events. The second month things got weird but not yet scary, although suspicious. By month 3 it was like he just got careless and didn’t care if I saw his true nature, but word still put on the act every now and then like he was a broken record. He did things that obviously anybody in their right mind would begin to realize he was bad news. When I spoke to ladies he has done this to before, without telling them how long I knew them, they all said the same thing. He lasts about 2 months before he starts to lose it. These people are not just like carbon copies, they are also like ticking clockwork all on the same schedule in the same time zone. Its so weird, and scary.
Spot on PR. The bit I totally agree on is that their “evilness” has a way of rubbing off on us. They do their crazy-making and I believe this is also part of it as well. Once you remove them from your life, you will slowly have normality back into your life. I became an abusive person towards my Spath because of the emotional and financial abuse. He was taking my money, energy and my mind. I will never see a cent of the money I gave him to “help” him but I have gotten my energy back and slowly my mind.
They are love rats, who use and abuse us. The abuse comes slowly for some of us and some get abused within weeks of being in this kind of relationship. Both times we either don’t pick up on the red flags or choose not to see the red flags, with us being the blame of their behaviour with statements like “you made me like this” or “i am like this because of you” or “you made me do it”.
They do stuff that us normal people don’t do and it can be mind-blowing some of the scenarios. They have no idea about kindness, loyalty, respect or love. All important things in a relationship. They think they do know about these things but they just know how to act the way they “should” at the appropriate times. The best way is to remove all reminders of them. Trust me when I say, if you keep in contact with them, they will continue to treat you badly. You will try and have conversations with them and they will barely say a word to you…..that is until they need you.
@ex def….so true “love rats” what an excellent description. “you made me like this” you made me do this” I can’t tell you how many times I heard that.
I love the description Love Rats as well hehe.
What I find the most frustrating this is that they think WE are the bad people and treat us that way too. As much as they said “you made me like this” etc, the truth is, they made us “the crazy ones”. Leaving a relationship with a Spath is very frustrating as you just won’t ever understand them or their actions. They are just complicated and frustrating people.
Something I have learnt is that I know how I want to be treated in future relationships. It might be a while until I find a new relationship but that is because I will be very cautious as to who I become involved in after this experience.
Yes, I was always to blame, I made him do this and that, I was the wrong one, I became even confused about myself. Did I really do that?
Welcome to the site Lydia, read the post ‘sociopaths always blame you for what they are guilty of themselves’…. they are masters at deflection and illusion.
@ ex def…….I was told that “I made him fall in love with me” Also, he told me that the day would come when I grew to love him
much more than he loved me. Also, I would be “begging” him for sex and love.
Hi Sweet 🙂
Happy Valentines Day (it’s today in Australia 😉
The soc never ever takes responsibility for anything, they always deflect it back onto you.
They may feign ‘sorry’ etc…but, they blame you!
Then they set about ‘paying you back’ for what they perceive you did etc…you dare question ME!
How dare you! You cannot challenge me as I am the Grand Master of deception & self deception…the double edged sword!
They really are quiet comical when you are free of the delusion & the spell breaks 🙂
Like knowing the magicians tricks, not so entertaining, just tricks!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
My ex would ‘tease’ me by giving few responses when I asked if he wanted to see me, and his responses were short. I would ask if he is busy or tired or something, and he would say ‘no, I just want to torture you’ by being vague/shirt/unresponsive in his replies when I wanted to spend time with him. As though he felt that I needed his attention and it would just be unbearable ‘torture’ to neglect me. Firstly, the fact he assumed I was that desperate was just odd to me. And second, he freely admitted to basically wanting to upset me for his own amusement.
Yes & Ditto that & Amen or Argh!Men 🙂
If you don’t break the spell, they will keep you in the loop forever!
Regardless of the relationship etc…you cannot befriend them when it’s over as they will just continue to use & abuse you & your qualities to serve themselves!
It’s all about them & their needs & ego & they will never put you ahead of the most important person in their life ‘THEM!’
NO CONTACT is the only way to free yourself & heal 🙂
The healing is never complete if they are around as I’m sure others who have children can testify, they use the children against you. 😦
Really spiteful, devious creatures so, if you get free, ‘Run’ & never look back…see the ‘EXIT’ sign/door, take it as your life, sanity & soul depends on it!
Love & Light Ex Def 🙂
PR xoxo
Ex Def 🙂
Write down & keep a record of what you want in a guy & define clear healthy boundaries etc…make a list & if you meet someone, GO SLOW as you will see patterns emerging that will be ‘telling’ etc…if they are in a hurry, that’s not love or passion, its greed & lust.
Healthy, set boundaries, no married men, check them out thoroughly, meet their friends & keep your life private until you are sure as they will use you against yourself as the Soc does 🙂
You will find love but, love yourself ‘wholeheartedly’ first & keep telling yourself, you deserve ‘Mr Right’, not ‘Mr I am always Right!’ 🙂
Love & Light & Happy Valentines 🙂 mmwah!
PR xoxo
I could have written that myself, it is exactly what happened to me.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you too PR. As a single lady who has no Valentine, I refer to it as “happy no-Spath day” LOL.
For you my Angel 🙂 keep going & loving yourself as your worth it 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
They look at their children as objects to possess or reject. Mine has two older children by first marriage. Got some girl pregnant and she had twins 8 yrs ago. He didn’t want those two so he let her new husband adopt them so he could stop paying child support. The money was more important to him.
This is for Sandy…..I feel your pain in your words. I still have pain myself. You have to do the things that will be helpful to you. A lot of good help here. Wished I had seen this sight 5 months ago. I feel like a failure. I am 55 years old and feel I should have know better. I was needing what he sold me. I took the bait and regret it. Trying to dig my way out. Seems my mind wanders to him and nothing else….I loved him. That simple it is. I had no clue there were people out there that did these things to others. I felt like he was an underdog…..I always root for the underdog. No more. I never understood the hurtful things he would say to me when I had done nothing wrong. The flipping back and forth of happy and sad drove me crazy. He loved me and then he didn’t. He would bow out and then return as if he never said these things….but he did. I remember telling him things and I would mention them later and he would say he did not remember that. I do not know if that is part of his plan or not. Do the S have problems remembering? I do not know. One thing that stands out for me is he told me someone would be hurt in this relationship…..and it would not be him. I have been on no contact since Dec. 2013. Sure I think about him. I cant help it. I wonder what is going on in his life. I cant help it. In his last message he told me he thought of me and cared for me and that he loved me. I thought I was the one for him. I was not. When he no longer needed me …he was in a relationship with a woman he had had some type of relationship with for 11 years. He had said things about her..(smear job). I believed it was over for them….it was not. Now they are on F/B saying they are happy. Good for them. He just took away every bit of self esteem I had left. I live in a different town so I do not have to see him. I have him blocked on my phone for messages, phone calls and facetime. Part of me wants to tell him what he did to me…..but now I do not want to even do that. I made notes of the things he said to me. I would read them every day. I finally deleted them and am doing some better. I still remember them though. I deleted all messages even the nice ones. They kept me from getting better. At first I was angry with the OW and not him until someone on here told me I was the OW. I do not know or care who was or is. I had songs that would remind me of him….I no longer will listen to them. Breaks my heart. I do not know where my life will take me. The S sure took me by surprise. He was cruel. The song that has helped me is a Katy Perry song “Ghost”http://youtu.be/RT0fBGY47-s. Just listen to it. I hope you will be able to handle this….I did not handle it so well. I think it is human nature to want to believe he cared for me….that he loved me…and that he will remember me. This site has made that plain to me that when they leave….they leave with only what you have left in your soul. He is someone I use to know. I am thankful I have not had years invested in him. It would have really broken me down. Best of luck to you…my sweet Sandy. It has been the best for me to delete everything about him from my life. That was the easy part. A S is a salesman who has no product…… sad but true.
Thank you! It is so incredibly hard! The pain is something I’ve never, ever experienced before. Thanks for your support… this site is a gem!
You are so right… and yes I cannot see it, and I know somewhere deep inside that I am wrong. I even don’t know what to write at the moment. In a way I feel ashamed because I love him and a huge part of me really wants to believe him. The irony is that he has spent over 20 years of his life in a profession where he cares for others… for the underdogs, and I am having trouble believing that someone so caring for others finds it hard to keep promises to the ones they love. He is constantly telling me to relax, not to worry about anything, that he won’t hurt me again. Oh, how I wish I could believe him!!! When he is home, life is what it is meant to be. He is now working overseas for a while and yet we spend a great deal on FaceTIme every evening. The plan is for him to come home for good within the next couple of months… I don’t even know whether to believe him. Whenever I question anything, or I openly admit my fears to him, he tells me to relax, he loves me and he is done hurting me. I honestly don’t know. He makes me happy and makes me sad. I have been at my highest and at my lowest with him. Sometimes I think that I can never believe him again after all the hurt he has put me through. Yet, I am forgiving (wrong, I know)…
Id like to tell my story but cannot find the place to do so in the site, so Im writing here hoping it will be posted at the right place.
In 2010 after a very painful divorce I met a man professionally.He was supposed to show me a flat to buy, however he tried to hold my hand, invited me for dinner and even asked me to go to a motel with him. I was very naive, having had only my husband all my life and little experience of what I should have done immediately (run ).. Next day he sent me a small message and from them on he started to pester me online. I started feeling ok with his talk and we finally met again. That day he was a completely different, angry person and he told me he was married. I left the restaurant there and then.
However, that was only the beginning. Next afternoon he sent me various emails saying he was not really married but lived with someone but the relationship had ended, and he wanted to see me. He as again, so kind.
In the next months we started dating. This was the most horrendous experience of ny life but I still hoped against hope that he would transform from a frog to a prince. Iwill now resume the months amd his actions-
Borrowed a lot of money
Started to demeaning me and tell me all sorts of things about my personality, saying I like to fight and that I needed a doctor (difficult to prove that this is not the case at all).
-Told me I was fat, (not true) and there were many more women in the world.
-Became very kind and caring when he wanted something like money, a meal, a trip paid for me.
-Told me he never have loved anybody
-Did not hold my hand and never kissed me.
-Wanted a lot of sex and became very kind and nice before, and very cold and rude after.
– Used me for a meal ticket .
-Had great dreams and schemes that sounded like fary tales and one could see he would never go for them.
-Lied left , right and front ab out lots and lots of things, pretended he lost my camera to keep it for himself.
– Got another woman in a bar and still wanted to go out with me.
– Became angry and abusive and strange for no reason, often not talking to me for days for the most simple reasons.
– Shook his fist on my face for no reason at all, as we were just talking on a bus.
-when I asked for my money back (he had only borrowed) became abusive and threatened my family.
– used to write horrendous emails and half an hour after a lovely kind email and after that another terrible email calling me all things.
You would ask why oh why I stayed with him for one year, I dont know, I suffered a lot with him and suffered when he was ostracizing me. Thanks to God one day I prayed to God and that man just disappeared from my mind. He still tried many times to be back in my life, phoned many times, tried lies and schemes to get my attention, but no, thanks but no thanks, the door had closed.
Im now married to the most amazing, kind, normal man.
Hi Lydia, welcome to the site. Reading your comment, made me stop in my tracks, I dated one just like that. A horrible experience. A year with someone treating you like that, can cause a lot of psychological damage…. am so happy that you have found happiness with someone who treats you well. I am sure that this comment will bring hope to a lot who read this, that you CAN come out the other side and find the sunshine and happiness again.
@Lydia, we all stayed because we thought we love them and everything that they needed was an unconditional love…but no matter what it is never enough. I’m glad that you were able to see the door for an escape an used it withhout hesitation.
yes, my ex sociopath couldnt care less for the three grandkids and treats them like if they have no souls. The little boy wanted so much his grampa attention and tried everything, showing his new shoes, asking to play a game, but when he didnt get any attention he went to bed to cry and after that he was sick.
Nowhere on here does it mention how to deal with the death of a sociopath boyfriend?
I started reading this site thinking about my first love, my ex before the last was one…but started realizing the guy i’ve been glamorizing since his death, & almost committed suicide over might not of even been real?
He was the type to go into sudden rage over little things like being jealous over me messaging someone back on fb and first time it happened he punched a hole in the wall right next to my face, I knew I didn’t like that but somehow dismissed it. Then it was spitting on me, hair pulling, entrapping me in the room so I couldn’t escape while he yelled and broke shit, holding me down, smashing my face into the back of his truck, ect.. He’d laugh with those crazy eyes when I’d say he was abusive and say “where are the marks? I didn’t PUNCH YOU! Where’s your black eye? Drama queen” In this condescending way. He said he’s punched his “cheating whore ex” but she deserved it cause she hit him before. I found that out when I jokingly jabbed him in the arm after telling a joke and he got really angry in the beginning of our relationshit (I wasn’t used to that reaction from something so playful.) After the violent rages often leaving him being arrested and sent to the mental ward (I would explain it as him being possessed!) very scary. Throwing himself down 3 flights of steps and getting right up! and attacking anyone in his way, terrifying me and his older sister to the point she called the cops. He would act like NOTHING happened and swear up and down that he was blacked out! Even though he was sober. I now don’t know how but I bought this excuse, He was SO convincing! I’d tell him what he did and he’d act like “no way, what’s wrong with me :(” And go right back to his sweet, loving,charming self somehow turning the tables every time making ME feel sorry for HIM!
Oh & He also was a drug addict and came to me knowing I wasn’t completely over my ex cheating (who just happened to be his old best friend) but when he contacted me he swore he HATED my ex and they weren’t friends for a long while. Nothing brings two people together like the hatred of a third person? He’d mention how my ex cheated on me constantly and how when they’d play shows and my ex would try to sleep with girls that he would say “Why would you do that? You are so lucky to have such a beautiful, awesome girlfriend!” Making himself seem like such a gentleman and my ex the monster.
Anyways It wasn’t always hell. He was SO MUCH like me, it was so nice to have someone “get” me. He’d call us soul mates and I felt like he was my twin. He’d say he wanted to marry me and said he never wanted kids before me but now he does, & would say how beautiful our children would be. He could charm ANYONE & was very confident. His family would shower me with gifts at first, I felt so loved like I belonged somewhere finally. Before you know it I was under his control, kept me secluded and doped up would shoot drugs into my arms as he didn’t want me to know how (didn’t want me to do it with anyone else, luckily I never got addicted in 3 years. I’m not an addict/strong will power when it comes to that. I was just depressed and when I was sad he’d cheer me up with free drugs :/) Saying it was “recreational” while he’d be sneaking doing it everyday.
He got his whole friend group addicted and didn’t give one shit. I saved his life once. Scariest moment of my life, never given CPR and getting awoken to a thump of a non breathing boyfriend on the floor. I had PTSD over that so I always tried to get him clean but it wouldn’t last long he would lie and sneak. Infact once he had me he threw away ALL his friends and it was me and him everyday, He didn’t work since he was on disability & since I had all guy friends would act jealous and tell me- as if it were fact, that all they wanted was to get in my pants!
He would say he didn’t like his friends and all he needed was me making me feel some obligation to do the same. Even talked about taking me away from my family and turning me against everyone.
Sorry this is so long but i’m venting so…whatever.
I finally broke up with him (what I though was for good) over the drugs cause I wasn’t doing them and I’d catch him sneaking them in my house trying to fool me but my intuition was strong with the drugs and i’d find his hiding spots in a split second.
Every time he’d nod out i’d have panic attacks and flash backs. And when he didn’t call when he was supposed to i’d cry and cry and stay up all night pacing around expecting to get that phone call that he was dead. I’d tell him my fears all the time but he didn’t care till I finally said FUCK THIS! YOU’RE A FUCKING JUNKIE LOSER! told him how stressful it was and luckily he was too high to get up and do anything & I finally got him to leave
Then sent the most degrading evil text message. Using every insecurity I ever told him and using it as a weapon. He was 27 and cause of the drugs our sex life was not…very active as I was used to with my ex. I missed intimacy. So he said he couldn’t get it up to the thought of my tiny breasts and busted face! and that he NEVER loved me! I felt like nothing. I believed it, my hear sunk. This was the guy who before would tell me how i’m more beautiful than any movie star, compliments all the time from my hair to my clothes & make-up. My self esteem was gone…to the point I ran straight to my ex who always made me feel attractive telling him what he said, He knew how to make me feel sexy.
After…he ADMITTED that he used my insecurity’s against me & He was just mad that I called him a junkie and that he loved me so much and can’t live without me and will give me the life I deserve. He said he finally was going to rehab and had a flight booked for the following week. I told him prove it.
I didn’t see him that whole week though we’d casually text. I got very lonely, since I no longer had anyone else to hang out with. My friends were gone. I was very depressed and stupidly started missing him (for some reason always remembering the good not the bad) and two weeks into rehab he was allowed to use his phone and called me and I ended up taking him back & promising i’d wait for him. That I did. I didn’t party or anything, I was a well trained dog. I literally waited. Only for him to finally come back and FIRST THING HE DID OFF THE PLANE was go and get high. AND TRY TO FOOL ME! As I said, my intuition with those stupid drugs was strong, I could tell just cause of his voice and how he sounded that he was high. Then when I saw him I knew for sure. He lied, I told him I KNEW and he’d make all kinds of excuses, so day in and out he was being sneaky acting like he was having family time (he hated his family) so I knew when he left he was getting high. Then he’d come over all late and passout & get up early and disappear. At this point I KNEW he was going to die, I had a scare one day after he left my house and was supposed to come back over I called him like 50 times till his phone died and I told my mom “I think he’s dead, his tolerance is too low now for the shots he does…his family hates me how will I even know!?! Frantically crying just hoping I wasn’t right. Then I text his mom asking if he’s home and telling her I was worried and to check up on him & told her she needed to piss test him. WELL she didn’t ease my mind and LIED! He ended up calling me from jail saying his mom found OLD syringes in his attic and called the cops, I knew that was bullshit and started making too much sense he knew he couldn’t lie so he said he had to go and loved me & would call me when he got out. He called I didn’t pick up, that’s the last voice mail I have. It’s pretty eerie as it sounds like he’s thinking of nice things to say like, he misses me, and thanked me for being such an awesome girlfriend, and loved me. Saw him one last time where I had to beg him to come hang out after he initially made plans with me but kept delaying so I hung out with a few friends to kill time and so they could go to him since he was taking so long. He wasn’t himself that night, dissociated, quiet, not interested in anything. My friend said he though he was dope sick. Idk Next day he didn’t talk to me at all and then the morning after that I get the phone call of my nightmares.
This all happened in November right before his birthday, then our anniversary was dec 5th, and allll the holidays filled with loneliness and grief I honestly don’t know HOW i’ve made it this far.
I told my mom what I thought after reading this site earlier, she knows EVERYTHING! But she just came down and said “who’s talking shit about him?!” “That’s NOT cool, don’t talk about someone who can’t defend themselves!” I told her No one and I came up with this conclusion on my own and she made me feel crazy and said “he was only human, and he loved you. You ARE lovable” and just walked away. She reallllly loved him, it was a private viewing just his close family and me. No friends, no funeral. I never see my mom cry, not even at my grandmas funeral. She was praying and bawling and I was a wreck. She even lifted his blanket when we had privacy and took his feet out and said he always had cute feet -___-
And then I kissed his foot…and she got me doing crazy stupid stuff I regret cause I had nightmares for months. Still see him but it’s not as bad now.
SOOOOO…..Obviously I’m pretty confused and fucked up in the head but I am strong. I didn’t even remember all the bad stuff until the other month. I needed to remind myself so I could escape his family blaming ME for his death…while his mother the enabler of a lifetime was the one who found him passed out, the night he was in jail wasn’t cause of old syringes it was cause she called 911 and once they got there he popped up and attacked. He made her promise not to tell me. So while I worried trying to save him she already knew & didn’t tell me. And bailed him RIGHT OUT. Instead of leaving him there to be safe or putting him in the hospital as a danger to himself. Why wasn’t her intuition as strong as mine? Couldn’t she fucking see what was going to happen? I’m not a snitch so for me to come to her for help with him was a first. Yet they blamed me causing me extreme guilt.
I don’t really know what to think. This wasn’t supposed to be about him but my ex before so….I’m kinda at a loss & don’t see anything on here about how exactly to deal with grief of losing (what might be) a sociopath to by break up but in death. I know I CAN’T be the only one. 😦
Hi Vika, Welcome to the site, I am really glad that you have joined us.
There is so much that I want to say to you, but it is too much to write on a website. You can email me if you need to talk at datingasociopath@hotmail.co.uk
First of all, it is difficult with someone who is addicted to hard drugs, as the behaviour can be identical to that of a sociopath!! I know this, as I spent decades working with homeless people, and I have worked with so many people addicted to drugs. Additionally, my cousin also died of heroin OD, he had gone into rehab and was clean, I think he had a fight with his girlfriend, and used, his tolerance level couldn’t take it for his body and he died, he was also in his 20s.
Having worked with more long term drug users than I can remember, I can say that what you saw, could have been the effects of the drugs. It would be impossible to know whether he was a sociopath or not. It might be true that he did love you, although his actions didn’t show it.
I just know who my cousin was, yes he was a cheeky boy…. but drugs destroyed his life and later took his life. He was too young to die, but the drugs were bigger than what he was.
You will never know if he was a sociopath, as you didn’t see him clean to see how he really was. What you talk about him getting clean and then using again, that must have felt like such a disappointment to you. But it is common. Especially when the person isn’t really ready to give up the drugs. As you know, when they spend time not being able to take drugs (either through rehab or prison) the tolerance to the drugs is far lower, and this can cause death.
It sounds like you have been through so much. Abuse in every way, death of your partner, traumatic events. You sound to me, quite traumatised. I would urge you to get professional help and support. Do you also have family and friends to support you through this?
You have been through so much, and will need support for you. If I am honest, I couldn’t say if he was a sociopath or not…. as what you describe sounds like behaviour that is also common with a hard long term drug user too.
I don’t think it is his mums fault, and she probably was upset with you, as a mother, she probably feels that she couldn’t protect her child – the most that she can do, is to protect his memory. I expect that she also feels such loss, and also guilt about his death. As a mother losing your child is the worst thing that can happen, when it is to drugs, it is heartbreaking.
I would focus on the fact that he died due to drugs, that possibly if he were not on drugs, he might have been a nice guy. Maybe? You will never know and you could torture yourself by adding additional burdens to the overwhelming amount that you have already been through.
There is so much that i understand about your story. Bereavement, domestic violence, drugs, death of a young person that you loved to drugs, also sociopathy, and suffering with PTSD and trauma. Your story really called out to me.
If you are struggling to find someone to talk to and would like to talk, please do email me. If I can offer you support, I gladly will. Thank you for your comment.
All that i can say, is that bereavement combined with trauma, is very difficult to get through – but it is possible to come out of the other side. Feeling that he was just a sociopath and that he never loved you – I dont think would be helpful to you. Also you would never know if this was true. Realistically his behaviour could have been drug related, and if he had managed to kick the drugs, you might have witnessed a different person. He DID actually go into rehab…. you say that he did that. Just this takes courage to do… so you must have meant something to him, probably far more than you realise. It is often just that the drugs were bigger than him.
Do you have any support? Have you seen anyone medically for counselling/therapy/treatment? As I really do think that this would benefit you, you have been through so very much, and will need support to heal and recover.
Your self esteem is zero. When you say ‘one of us’, looking form the outside of the situation, I can see that you have no self love at all.
@Marla S 🙂
I was with my high functioning Soc for 10 years so, I understand your story & feelings as I was in the ‘dark’ for the most part as he kept changing his ‘game play’ every-time I got close to finding out about others etc…As per the new OW, there are at least 5 perhaps more plus fringe dwellers? Some are married & just like the ‘fling’ factor he provides.
I am 10 months out but, am in contact with the OW, it’s a long story but, he contacted me after 10 months to tell me, ‘he misses me’ etc…
I was ready for him & was in my ‘own power’ & sent him back on his way 😉
The OW is slowly realizing just what she’s got herself & is still in but, he is gaming & ruining & I think she’s really ‘seeing’ him for what he is.
Anyway, that’s her journey but, I hope she is okay.
You have to find your feet & stay here & vent etc…we are all trying to support each other & finding strength in knowing that it’s not just us, you are not alone 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@marla. 7 months this wknd for me being NC. There is no flaw in loving a person. But knowing what they are and allowing ourselves back In the cycle is a prescription for our own self destruction.
I come here and read often. Sometimes daily. Sometimes I can’t read people’s stories bc it still hurts me. But I’m to the point of allowing myself to feel the pain when it surfaces while accepting that he is unhealthy for me. Now I’m starting to believe maybe I’m just missing the dream of what I thought I had w him. Or today’s truth be known I hurt bc of stupid social holidays like valentines day and the fact his birthday is march 3. Whatever the reason I feel things good or bad, I take one day at a time. I’m thankful for the good days when I’m strong and allow myself the down times too.
I drove around today crying and asking God why did I deserve this awful life I’ve had. I’m alone. No friend or family relationships to speak of. Everyone is conditional toward me and that’s not what I want in life. I remind myself of all the things he said and did to me and now I’m far enough out to see how sick he was. Yes I still love him or who I thought he was. Just tell ourselves if this was love to us just how much better the real deal will be whenever we meet the one who is meant to be.
Today I thought of how hard life would be today if he was still around. I would be worried about him cheating online etc. wondering if he was lying. Waiting for his temper to explode. Getting angry for him getting drunk or high. Fighting over him not wanting my dog inside. Feeling not good enough. And many other things. But for me today. ..after the crying spell. ..I cleaned my house that he can’t take away and never have. Went back to my church he took me away from. And started thinking about wknd vacations I can take wo his permission. I’m getting my life back I think. Or I’d like to think.
Am I 100% happy? No. Not yet. Sometimes yes. But not usually. But I’m on the journey toward that goal.
Judahbug, you have come a long way my friend. You should be proud of yourself. All that you said, I have been there.
Accepting where you are at and your emotions is a massive thing (well it was for me) because you are dealing with the real you and not your ego. You are being kind and loving to the real you. Once we heal and understand the real us and are loving and kind to the real us, the rest will follow…. The real and fulfilling relationships with real people will happen naturally once we reach this spiritual understanding and kindness to our souls.
This teds talk by Brene brown became my “bible” (I’m atheist). My goal and learning s from all this horrible experience is to be one of the ‘wholehearted’ she talks about. I posted it before but will again here. I hope you get something out of it. I watched it about 3 weeks after discard and it is still just as impactful to me now as it was then.
http://new.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
Peace.
@ Judahbug. I totally understand you. Those damn Valentine’s Days and other holidays make it really hard. I have been struggling over the last few days as well. 😦 It isn’t easy and it is sad that we still question what we did in this life to deserve this kind of behaviour towards us. I am lucky to have family and friends, but truthfully, I no longer feel like I can talk to anybody about this. To them, it happened a year ago, I should be over it by now. Unfortunately these types of situations, you can’t put a time limit on healing.
I have been in hell for 3.5 years working on a divorce from a sociopath that most of the people in the town where I live, are fooled by. I finally have a divorce date coming in the next few months and the judge wants a whole week. I have been financially destroyed. I have spent all my money getting out of this. I need support from people through this next phase, which feels like I am about to walk into hell. My PTSD improved greatly when I was able to establish no contact and I have not seen him in a year, despite going to court. I literally will not lay eyes on him. I am triggered by all his lying affidavits….lies, lies, lies….you all know the story. I am not sure I am even safe writing on this blog. So the PTSD is getting bad again. He uses our son for the attacks and my son cannot see through this. However, I am taking this risk, because support is what will help me through this and I deserve to be helped. He is brilliant, a lawyer and charming and convincing. He even made me question who and what my own motivations were. I am a therapist and he brilliantly used this…..I did not realize I was teaching him to be a better sociopath. CIR
It’s been a year and a half since I dumped him and the psychological damage from this relationship still affects me daily. I’ve been desperately trying to get over it, but it’s a slow process and… I just feel the urge to spill the entire thing to strangers on the internet. Apologies in advance because I’m sure this is going to be really long.
He was part of the circle of friends I had in high school. He was smart, funny, friendly and charming — or so we thought (dead wrong on all counts). My two best friends and I, being stupid, naive 14 year old girls, all instantly fell for him, but it was me that he showered all the attention on. He would invite me over to his place constantly and we’d cuddle on his bed and watch movies. He had a girlfriend and assured me that our movie-watching sessions were strictly platonic — he was just a “cuddly person”. I accepted this and enjoyed the attention.
Then he broke up with his girlfriend. I was too shy to ask him out and a month later, he announced to the group that he was dating my best friend. I was upset, naturally, and although I was casually jealous for a while, they seemed happy, so I accepted their relationship and was happy for them.
Fast forward a year — her strict, Mormon parents find out about her relationship and ban them from seeing each other. She was devastated, of course, because she could no longer see the man who’d convinced her she was the ‘love of his life’… his ‘lifemate’… they even had plans to get married, even though she was only 15. These were just words, though, of course, which was evidenced by how he blew some guy at a friend’s birthday party and soon started hitting on me, despite supposedly being hopelessly in love with her. And he hit on me a lot. He invited me over all the time and would tell me that he was confused — sure, he loved her, but he also loved me — what was he supposed to do? I didn’t know. I was confused too. This was supposedly the love of my best friend’s life, but I did like him too — and he knew exactly how to manipulate me. This was the beginning of the fall of my self-esteem, living with the horrible, self-loathing guilt of betraying my best friend. As things progressed, he kept telling me that he was going to break up with her, because he loved me. “Soon,” he kept saying. “When the time is right. I’ve a gift with words. I know how to do it without hurting her.”
So he FINALLY broke up with her… after about two months. Sure, they were banned from seeing each other and he had graduated from school by then, but he could have done it over the phone or even on Facebook or something — but, no, he sent a mutual friend to school to tell her. He gave no reasons whatsoever. It was a complete shock to her and she was so distraught that she couldn’t bring herself to attend classes. I felt awful, of course, and was disgusted by how he broke up with her, but I put it out of my mind. Although I couldn’t fathom an excuse for it, I was still convinced he was a good person.
We were together for a few months. Tension was high at school and I felt terrible most of the time about most things. She didn’t know we were together. Nothing was overtly terrible from his side (that I know of), besides, of course, the typical sociopath-y things he would say (telling me that I was his ‘lifemate’, apologizing for ever being with other girls before me, etc — really laying it on thick — yet still bragging TO ME about all the female friends of his who liked him and would flirt with him).
One day, I went over to his place. Everything was normal. That night, when I was home, I discovered him posting flowery love poetry to my best friend’s Facebook wall. When I called him and confronted him about it, he yelled at me, telling me that I was being overly jealous.
The next morning, he broke up with me — weirdly and vaguely, over MSN, without really giving any reasons. He did, however, kindly inform me that he’d spent all the previous night telling all our mutual friends in our group about how “I’d manipulated him into liking him”. Feeling like a worthless, used piece of crap, with most of my friendships damaged — some more than others — as they, at that point, still didn’t realize how sleazy and sociopathic he was, I spent three days feeling completely dead, not eating and barely sleeping, until he suddenly contacted me, apologized and asked to get back together. I had no self-esteem or self-respect and it was pretty easy for him to convince me.
The following three months were the worst I’ve ever had and hopefully ever will. Every day I’d go to school and sit with my group of friends who, for the most part, disliked me. Then I’d go home and call my horrible boyfriend, who “was confused because he loved both of us so much and needed time to determine who his true love was” (so he was ‘dating’ me and my (then-former) best friend both simultaneously (let me break out of the past for a second to say that she and I are friends again now, and according to her, he never mentioned a word of this to her, even though he told me he had informed her)). To make matters worse, I was living with my grandparents at the time, because I couldn’t stand my father’s horribly rude and bitchy girlfriend, and he was angry at me for this and wouldn’t talk to me.
This nightmare continued for three months. He fed the both of us incessant lies about the other, telling us that the other hated us, was plotting against us and was out to get us. He was actively trying to make us hate each other.
Everything peaked when a popular local festival rolled around. Initially, he told me he wanted to go with me. A few days later, he called me to inform me that no, he was going to go with my best friend and I should just stay home. A few days after that, he called again, and it was the angriest I had — and ever would — see/hear him. He told me that her parents had discovered her plan to meet him there and had forbidden her from going, and for some reason, his reaction was to call ME and rant about it. I can’t remember what I said — but rest assured that it was nothing provoking, because I was already terrified of how angry he was — but his response to whatever I said was: “SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH OR I’LL BEAT YOU”.
(She told me that this wasn’t actually the case and that she’d simply told him that her parents would be present in the area, not that they’d forbidden her from going, so I’m really not sure what this was all about.)
I ended up going over to his house that day and we walked to the event. He saw her, ran off and kissed her, then came back to me and told me we had to leave because her parents were around. I was obviously upset and he was angry at me for being upset.
Back at his place, he told me that he had “chosen” and that I was the one he wanted.
Not that he let her know that. Well, she told me that he did “break up” with her, but then took her back a few days later. Apparently, the first she really knew of my involvement in this ordeal was when some other friends told her he was “cheating” on her with me — when I had been informed that he was only with me and was having nothing to do with her.
A few months passed in which she absolutely despised me and I was depressed about it (I still didn’t know what was going on or that he hadn’t actually broken up with her). After a few months, I started to sense that he was talking to her again. I was right.
He called me one day to tell me that he had been planning to break up with me and go out with her instead, but she had been “playing him” and actually hated him.
That wasn’t actually the case. She told me that they’d been talking and she’d agreed to meet him as to gain some sort of closure to the entire thing — she had no intention of getting back with him. They met in the woods, because she still wasn’t allowed to see him, and he brought a blanket with him… because he was expecting her to sleep with him, right there. She was disgusted and told him off.
That was all the first year of the relationship. By this time I was a broken mess with no self-esteem, self-respect or confidence. I knew he was an awful person. I knew every word out of his mouth was a shameless lie and I knew he was probably sleeping with every girl (and maybe some guys) who looked at him. I’d even received a Facebook message from a girl confessing that she’d been sleeping with him intermittently throughout the entire time that he was with both me and my best friend. But I’d ruined my life to be with him. I kept convincing myself that there must have been a reason I’d done that. He must have been worth something.
The last year mostly consisted of me gradually growing to hate him more and more. He would still spurt all his nonsense about me being the only one for him and he would talk about getting married. He would talk about having kids and traveling the world and living the perfect life. At the same time, he would constantly yell at me and insult me. He yelled at me when I was “too clingy” and complained when I wasn’t “clingy enough”. He was… hmm… how do I put this… he was a bit ‘rapey’… non-verbal “no”s or “not really”s didn’t really cut it; you had to be more forceful. (Let me add at this point that he liked to sprout pseudoscifentic “facts” about how relationships without sex were doomed to completely and inevitably fail and that he has absolutely refused to enter long-distance relationships even if both he and the other person really liked each other (because no sex).) He still made me feel completely worthless through his actions. One time, he invited me over, then went out before I arrived, leaving me to stand awkwardly and dejected in the driveway for an hour until he returned (naturally, he was angry at me for being upset). One time, he invited me over, and as soon as I got there, he told he I would have to go home because he’d invited over another girl (the same one who’d sent me the Facebook message about sleeping with him all the time).
Also, one time — although it doesn’t have anything to do with me, it really disturbed me — he got addicted to World of Warcraft. He played a female character and befriended some Polish guy who thought he was a girl because his character was female. He told the guy that he was indeed a girl, and it was very obvious that the guy had a huge crush on him. He kept the façade up for a long time, even having me pretend to be his ‘lesbian lover’ and creating a new email account under the name of the girl he was pretending to be. When I asked him to stop, he got angry and told me that I couldn’t tell him how to live his life.
By the last month, I more or less completely hated him. I still had no confidence or self-esteem and I had no idea how to break up with someone (this was my first relationship, after all…). I would begrudgingly go over when he asked and would try not to grimace when he talked about how he was going to marry me. I would come up with excuses every time he wanted to have sex. I started getting depressed simply by knowing that I was in a relationship with him — I would just be sitting at home, not interacting with him in any way, and feel terrible, just knowing I was associated with him. It was then that I knew I had to finally gather my courage and dump him — which I made sure to do in person, because he was never good enough to do that. That was one of the best days of my life and I felt amazing.
Okay, that’s like, 2000 words. I am so sorry.
Just want to quickly elaborate on how that’s affected / is affecting me. It was my first relationship and everything I know about love and relationships came from it, so I have no idea what a healthy relationship is. There’s a guy I really like — I’ve never hit it off as quickly with anyone before and we both pretty obviously fell for each other very quickly. However, he’s told me many times that he’s pretty awkward with relationship stuff, so neither of us have actually acted on our fairly obvious feelings. He’s very honest and patient with me having trouble with relationship things. He seems to treat me differently than most people and has dropped plenty of obvious hints, but nonetheless, I can’t respond appropriately because 1) of a fear of coming on too strongly (that I’d be “too clingy” and he’d be creeped out) and 2) I need constant reassurance that he (probably) likes me, or I’ll assume he doesn’t (anymore). The concept of a relationship was introduced to me as some sort of obsession, making me subconsciously assume that a guy must not like me if he doesn’t remind me in some way or another that he does every few hours.
Okay, this is way too long. I’m gonna stop writing now. I’m really sorry and thanks so, so much to everyone who actually reads this!!
My sister was friends with someone who I now believe is a Sociopath. If she isn’t, then she has bipolar or some kind of mental illness where she needs some professional help.
It has been 4 months with no contact since the drama this person caused in my sisters life. My sister caught her in some lies and she had an excuse every time. I think this person expected my sister to just stand down, but she didn’t. This person tried to contact my sister a few weeks ago by “accident” via text, telling her a couple of secrets. My sister didn’t respond. On Sunday my sister received a text from the Spath with a half-ass apology/excuse for her behaviour. My sister didn’t reply. This morning at 4:55am we started to get prank calls via our landline. It just went on for a good hour. I told my sister not to answer it anymore and I turned the answering machine off. Our luck, the phone started to ring. The call ended and I pressed *10#, which advised us of the last missed call. I wrote the number down and showed my sister. We were unable to find anybody in our phone books with this number but my sister thought it sounded familiar. So I blocked my mobile phone number and, put it on speakerphone, and the person didn’t answer it. It went to voicemail which announced who the person was. Problem solved. We were surprised that the person who was pranking us was an ex-friend of my sisters. He was also friends with this Sociopath’s husband a while ago. A lot of stuff happened with the Spath and they no longer were friends. We believe that this ex-friend developed anxiety. We think that the Sociopath got angry that my sister wasn’t responding so started to cause problems with this ex-friend again, who in turn, thought my sister was somehow involved, and started to do this. No doubt his anxiety was triggered by contact from the Spath.
These people are very hard to get rid of. This ex-friend of my sisters, he used to be a good guy, so I feel sorry for him that he is being dragged into this mess again. I know that we can’t prove that the Spath is involved but, to me, it is too much of a coincidence not to be.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories and making me feel part of a “community”. A pattern I see here is that sociopaths target REALLY SMART and successful women. I have a masters degree and work one office job and one part time job for “fun”. Sociopaths tend to be witty and smart themselves and I find their charm paralyzing. I have dated three of them. (I can’t seem to learn.) One of them, whom I just can’t seem to shake is dating a lawyer right now (but still coming around to see me on the side). They target SMART women.
I’ll tell you a little about the current one. His behavior is egregious:
– Met him through friends. Dated for a summer pretty exclusively (although, who knows how “exclusive” it really was). I went away for a month, training for a new job, and I came back and he told me he wanted to just be friends. All of a sudden, a bunch of women started to show up and leave flirty comments on his facebook.
– I continued to see him, half-ass. He always had an excuse and was always late to meet me. Sometimes he would be so loving and sweet and other times, he seemed indifferent and didn’t want to be bothered with me. Jeckyll and Hyde. I would be so sad that I hadn’t heard from him in months, and all of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky I would get a text “I miss you!” or “I want to see your gorgeous face”.
– He borrowed a large sum of money from me. He still owes me quite a bit, but has made small (and very irregularly timed) payments over the course of about two years.
– He has been fired and/or quit about 6 jobs in the 3 years I’ve known him. Often, I would pay for dates because I felt sorry that he lost his multiple jobs.
– We went away together on a trip and he told me “never ever check me in on facebook. I don’t like people knowing where I am.” Later he admitted to me, the other girl (actually a couple of them) were inquiring why he was at a bed & breakfast with a girl (me).
– In fact, we’ve been on several trips (my job provides travel benefits, so of course I was footing the bill). One time we went to dinner and spent a fun day in another city and he ended up meeting up with “an old friend” and he “just walked her home” and I was in the hotel room by myself waiting for him all night, not even sure if he planned to make the flight the next day because his phone died.
– This was a pattern. I kept agreeing to go away and he would either disappear or be in a hurry to get back and I would see him texting one particular other girl the entire time we were away. One time he left me alone in another city so he could return home. We were flying standby and there was only one seat left. He gladly took it without apology.
– He practiced alarmingly unsafe sex with a variety of women. I learned that I had contracted an STD (a treatable one) from him. I got treated and notified him. He seemed indifferent. I am pretty sure he hasn’t told anyone else he is involved with.
– He got evicted last year from his apartment for not paying rent. He rented a space with a friend for awhile, but now it is pretty clear that he lives with this other girl.
– He is really handsome and charming and smart. He talks in a soothing voice and he is eloquent with is words. He is cultured and bright. It is difficult to believe he is capable of such cruelty and manipulative lies.
I don’t know why it is so difficult to shake him. The one I dated before him told me his grandmother was in the hospital, and meanwhile he was on vacation in Argentina with another woman. This was when “myspace” was popular, and I could see her page and her posts. I suspected, so I emailed her to see if she knew how his grandmother was doing. Poor thing was heartbroken, as was I. There was no sick grandmother. Just a vacation that had now turned into a dismal trip with a manipulative liar. It took me about three years to finally stop wanting to be involved with him. So maybe I am close to the end with the current one too. The third sociopath I dated was really mean and I have blocked a lot of the memories. I was involved with him for a much shorter amount of time.
** I call them “guys I’ve dated”, because they would never call me “girlfriend” or say “I love you”, even though we would spend every single day together during certain segments of our relationship.
If anyone knows a good way to completely rid my life of the current sociopath, please let me know. I would like to move on. I believe the negative energy is blocking me.
Thank you for reading and allowing me to share my story.
Hi Lisa,
Am so sorry I took so long to allow your comment through I didn’t see it. Welcome to the site, I hope that you get good support here.
Hello fellow SP survivors…
I am at day 10 post since split number 3…
This site has been invaluable… it has made me understand what he was. I am still very much in the fog of confusion and as such my thoughts are fairly disorganised about it all. It all came to a head ten days ago when the friend who I had fought so hard to regain (he had I realise now cleverly and insidiously driven a wedge between us) had fallen out with him, he had been behaving oddly for some weeks towards her in the run up to her 40th party…which I was to also attend…He fell out with her purposely that day I feel to stop us from going and potentially talking and being more friendly… when I look back I see that this happened on any and every occasion we would organise meeting. His tantrums were so silly and pointless (about the fact she had had to call him back because her parents turned up..) that I was embarrassed… it was one thing to have these meltdowns at me but to have them at my friends also was too much… And I told him what I thought of him for being so horrid the day of her party..this did not go down well and he raged at me then too. I told him I would go anyway… He was full of vitriol and anger and wanted me to drop everything there and then and see him instead… after all he was ‘hurting’ his phrase….
I refused and told him I thought he was being an arse and went to the party, generally ignoring his messages… He turned up at the party sad a brief hello to my friend.. and then proceeded to lay into me…pulling me to one side asking me again and again to show commitment to him there and then. Physically trying to get me to submit in front of everyone. I refused. His face changed he picked up a glass and went as though to crush in in his hand…i know see this was the classic ‘narcissistic rage’, he stuffed it in his pocket instead and left under a cloud… He is a big man, a very big man… 6 ft 8 and well built, I began to see his really is capable of anything when enraged. The next day I answered his texts which again were all about me committing and when I said I was having space he suddenly turned up in a crazed state, demanding over and over I show my commitment to him there and then… when i wouldn’t he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and put it in his pocket (he always threatens to harm himself when things not going his way – anyone else have this?) I retrieved it and told him not to be so stupid, when I stayed firm he went outside and smashed my car window, shouting – ‘Now you are not going anywhere’. He then rang me and my friend suggesting that after the incident he was bleeding so heavily from his injury (there was blood) that he was bleeding to death somewhere….! He allowed us to think this all afternoon…
This was the end for me, this level of violence from him was new, his narcissistic rages which were once more contained were now huge, and very scary. Since this incident I have not seen him, I got the police involved, I received threats on my name and against my friends and family. I backed down, on the promise he would leave me alone… He hasn’t… the smear campaign has now started in abundance and yet he is also trying to love bomb me in texts… I am disgusted, confused, hurt, angry, sad…. I see he never truly loved me now…he was just using me…but it hurts so much, I loved him so much and he took all he could. The man I met at the beginning was so charming, like everyone else says here… so full of love, so fun, and little by little he took my confidence, friends, self worth away until I had no idea where I was anymore… I feel I am lucky that he did something so violent that I came to my senses… and also that I refused to let him drive the ultimate wedge between me and my friend so that when we were able to compare notes we both saw the extent of his lies…. I feel sure she was just another supply for him now…I now can only hope that he will leave me alone … and I will be able to heal…
it was the sunday before christmas 2012, after working all day in the salon i own, i decided to treat the staff to a well earned drink,
we went to a few bars having a laugh and a drink in each bar, celebrating we had finished work until after the festive period ,
by the time we had reached the last bar we where all in good spirits ,
as the boss it was my round again.. and the staff deserved it after a busy december,
as i approached the bar i spotted a client and started to chat with him, he introduced me to his friend my soc a very handsome well spoken man , and from what i could tell very educated and charming, he had the most amazing eyes and a smile to match , that smile could have melted anyones heart, as i was to learn later in his words he was “the smiling assign ” he said he could kill with his smile.
after leaving my marriage the summer before, id had a summer of being foot loose and fancy free, and had begun to tire of being hung over every wk end and until seeing my sociopath had no intentions of getting into another relationship at this point in my life,
after a few drink and some banter i invited ( the salons client) and the soc back to my house for a few more drinks,
found the soc hypnotic , and seemed gentle and so funny i fell for his charm, he stayed the night,
we talked until the early hours , it was so nice to meet someone who wanted to no everything about me,
he told me things about his past that shocked me and made me feel like i was being trusted with his tales of abuse, and hardship, his awful relationships where because he was working so hard his partners had always ended up cheating on him, how all his friends used him because of his generous nature,and how he’d been the bread winner in every relationship as they all took the piss out of him,
how he found it hard to trust after what he’d been through, and how the burn scar he tried to keep covered got there, from his strict controlling father,
stores of years of abuse with the most horrific of punishments over a child’s mistakes , such as after throwing a snow ball and breaking a window . was made to lay naked in the snow for 4 hours!
un yet the soc could only see the good in this abuse and said it made him strong and a surviver, having a child myself and the fathering in stink coming out in me the stories stuck in my head and the sick feeling i already held for his dad,
i could quite understand how anybody could see the good in this horrific abuse, after speaking to a client who worked with abused children , she told me the abused child would never blame the abbuser and would alway try to stick up for the mother or father in this case,
this information just made me feel for him more , in some way i felt i could help heal him i suppose, i wanted to wrap him up and hold him, and tell him how amazing he was to go through all that and to be thrown out at 17 for being gay and left to forge a life for himself and and now hold a bank managers role , i really took my hat off to him, he really was a surviver of life, un yet seemed to have so much love to give
we met again on christmas eve and ended up in bed again , talking till 5 in the morning, how he’d taken a year out of banking and after an amazing year was ready to get back to the financial world, he missed so much,
how he’d brought a property with his best friend who was also his ex , just so his friend could get onto the property market, as the soc already had property else where,
what a totally unselfish thing to do , especially as his ex had cheated on him in the past,
the horrific story that the same ex had slept with his brother as the soc had kindly let him stay at there apartment ,
what you need to understand at this point is iv never really been into the gay scene , with having my little girl and just coming out of a 12 year relationship , part from the odd night out with friends iv never seen the scene as seedy or nasty , so i suppose to hear the soc way of talking about it ,i was gob smacked, jesus! was there anyone in this city who hadn’t sleep with each other!…. or any member of the gay community who hadn’t stole another mans boyfriend or his money,
this made me in a shameful way detest the scene and the people on it , the soc seen this as another thing we had in common now , we both hated it, this made us closer and have a connection in his eyes,
Now is is where everything starts to get interesting and the start of my sociopaths games begin, having not dated for a very long time i guess i convinced myself his behaviour that was to come was normal for dating now a days ,
it started with silly thing, i can remember us deciding to have a night in with some horror dvds and some food,
while busy with clients i ran out to fetch food and dvds , really looking forward to having a night in ,
i finished at 5 and text the soc who was having a drink with friends , LET ME NO WHEN YOUR 20 MINUTES AWAY AND IL PUT THE FOOD IN X”
the soc replied OK WONT BE LONG CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU X,,,, about 7 o clock a text came through ON WAY X….
now i live about 5 minutes from town so i put the food in and waited for him to arrive, half an hour later i rang him, no answer, so i text him WHERES THIS TAXI COMING FROM LONDON LOL X… another reply ON WAY X….. another 20 minutes past , i called again this time he answered,
me” where are the the foods done”
him ” just getting changed ”
me ” you said you where o your way an hour ago”
him ” alright grumpy i might not bother”
me ” leave it then ”
him ” this is a settling in period , where we learn to balance friends and boyfriend now stop being grumpy”
at this point i was so annoyed i put the phone down threw the charcoal remands of food the the bin and lay on the sofa in a mood ,
ten minutes later the soc was at the door making me feel in the wrong and telling me to relax and i needed to get use to his laid back app ouch to everything, “wheres the food ” he said, in the bin , its ruined, ” if it will stop you being grumpy get it out and il eat it,
well this was like a red rag to a bull with his sweet smile on his face, so i did and asked if he needed a folk …. this sent us into laughter and with out me noing it this was his 1st step to controlling me , and making me question myself ,”did i have a right to be annoyed?” was i being grumpy over nothing?….. later i was to learn he would have me questioning myself on everything i did or didn’t do.
things where good for a while, the soc wouldn’t let me pay for much, which i found hard to deal with after being the bread winner in a relationship for so long, and we use to have to race to pay for dinner, id sneak to the loo and pay on the way so he couldn’t , it felt nice it felt like we where on an even keel with each other,
soon after the christmas period the soc was job hunting , and told me of all the offers he had coming in, he took a job in sales selling ascot race days to companies for there staff and so on. he even rang me to try to sell me one !… after about 2 wks he decided it wasn’t for him and left , later it came out he’d only been there 2 days but had dressed every morning for a day at the office and just pretended to go for some reason`!….
things still seemed good the soc stayed more and more , as i said i was new to the dating game and hadn’t realised that until you both say you are a couple that your just seeing each other… it was all greek to me, so we had the conversation , its official we are a couple.
when i think back i got the strangest reactions from people who id bump into ,,,, ” i where your seeing xxxxx”……. yes id reply :why? they’d ask. not the normal response you expect from people.
the strange this was XXXX has lived in leicester for years and we shared lots of friends and new the same people but our paths had never crossed , in the 1st stages of love i foolishly seen this as a sign and XXXX totally agreed it was meant to be , the stars had decided we should be together,
at the time i thought it was amazing , everything that interested me interested xxxx I’m fascinated with religion , and how everyone sees it , I’m not a church goer myself but the architecture and religious building are beautiful to me as are religious icons , and to my surprise xxx shared my fascination, and like me one day would love to convert a church to live in,
after staying at xxxx apartment for the 1st time i was shocked and horrified to see a real grave stone in his bathroom ! not just a grave stone a child’s grave stone, it was over a hundred years old but still its a child’s grave…he laughed as he told me he’d carried it on his head after steeling it from the grave yard then washed it in the bath! and xxxxx wanted to make a cheese board out of it! i was taken aback by it to say the least , but i was slowly falling in love with this man and I’m ashamed to say it in my eyes he was already on a pedestal with me,
you see XXXX had told me he loved me after about 2 wks of seeing each other, and tried to get me to say it back, which at the time felt quite endearing to me, i wasn’t going to say the three most important words in the world to someone until i had no doubt that i was head over heels in love with him… plus the fact XXXX threw those three words around quite a lot, to taxi drivers, bar staff , shop keepers. anyone really so i had to me sure he meant it when he said it to me, you can kill some one from the inside if you throw i love you at them and it have no meaning , i no I’m going through it now,
looking back XXXXwould always say “i love you loads”…”do you hate me yet….you will”…i saw this as just an insurcuraty and did my best to reassure him that id never hate him…hate is a horrible word and we can say we hate someone when if we really look inside ourselves hate isn’t a word i can say i feel for anyone ,
time past and things seemed good, XXXX liked a drink and we where having a drink most nights , after a bottle or two XXXX would start talking funny, saying thing like, he was here for a greater purpose, with his biblical name and now he’s met another with a biblical …. we are here for a greater thing, i would laugh and take it as drunken talk,… and when i reminded him the next day he couldn’t remember and he’d Lough and say id made it up,
i think he used wine to hide his mask slipping, as the episodes got more and more crazy, i can remember on bonfire night wed had a glass of wine and lay in bed , suddenly he jumped up and said he needed some water,, after 10 minutes i went to look for him and he was stood in the door way, when i sled him what he was doing . he said” this is the safest place to be when bombs go off” looking back this should have been a warning sign but i laughed and he laughed and we went back to bed
XXXX got a new job with a mortgage company, we loved it and settled in, and quickly became popular with his new work team, with XXXX charm and charisma it was hard not to fall under XXXX spell and he was a hard worker,
the bar we drank in wasn’t very nice, i thought the people in there where all a little unhinged but XXXX said they had all had a had life growing up gay and it was like a little family and he liked it there,
he text me from work saying the owner of the bar had asked him to cover a shift for one night as a favour and as XXXXX would do anything for a friend he agreed,
i was a bit put out if I’m honest as we had plans for the night but, i said ok id nip in for a drink on my way home to see him,
as it turns out he’d asked for a job but just kept texting me saying it was a favour this turned into 4 nights a wk and most wk ends, now XXXX had said to me the people who worked in bars either wanted to get wrecked for free or wanted to steel from the bar…(his words not mine) so which one was he?… the lies about the bar job kept coming , one afternoon he said the owner was ill and had asked him to work, i walked in for a drink and sat with the owner laughing and joking, i looked at XXXX and he just looked straight through me,
he’d ask me to wait till the end of his shift for him, then just before accuse me of looking at someone or talking to someone and i should go home alone. which i did most night upset, noting full well id get a call a few hours later saying he was on his way to my house , needless to say he’d never turn up, it was his way of checking i was at home and alone,
the following days after each night he’d text as if nothing had happened and say he’d had a drink and was just being silly,again making me question myself about my as i seen it normal behaviour .
i really didn’t like the fact that XXX was working in a gay bar, but said nothing it wasn’t my place today where he could work or not,
i later found out he’d worked in most of the bars in town and had been asked to leave all of them after a short time,
during this few months it was horrible when i did see him he was that tired he’d come round and fall asleep for hour ,but just being near him i thought was enough,
i met him and his flat mate and friend for a drink and a holiday was planned to gran canary , i personally hate the place but though it would be nice to be away with him, thinking we could have nice relaxing days together and meet for dinner and drink in the evening with his friends , this turned out to be the holiday from hell , but more of that later,
so we set about looking for holidays some how i became the booking boy, ring g round trying to see who wanted a case checked in and who wanted to fly from where, this was made twice as hard as i wasn’t allowed his flat mate and exs phone number because he’d contacted all of XXXX boyfriends for sex at some point so all booking had to come from his flat mate to him then to me,
so the holidays booked , the other two have transferred there payment into my account , XXXX says he’s put 1/2 in and will pay the rest later..and like a fool i trusted him, the money was never put into my account in the 1st place,
leading up to the holiday, XXXX was asked to leave the bar job, thank god… at least that would cut some of the drama from our lives i thought!
so everyones getting ready for the holiday, on the thursday before myself and XXXXwent shopping for some last minute holiday stuff, we went to XXXX bank so he could draw out some money,
only to be told that his account had been breached and he could not draw money out, i stood with him as he argued for hours over the phone trying to get his account sorted,
i felt sorry for him , the bank that he once worked at had froze his account over what he said was someone trying to put money into it , not trying to take it out,
later i was to learn that XXXX had actually been asked to resign from his bank managers role for miss selling and other stuff, and i was to learn that all banks would rather employees that have wronged the banking world go quietly with references and full pay , as the banks don’t want bad publicity in the press incase it starts an out cry and we all draw our money out as we think its not safe
and i was to find his account had been blocked because he’d fraudulently drawn down some of his pension to pay for his ‘year off’ … with out paying the tax on it…..you would think by now alarm bells would be ringing in my ears wouldn’t you ?….no not stupid loved up me, XXXX managed to make me feel sorry for him over the whole miss understanding with the bank and he would be complaining forth with!
so with no cash the holiday was on 1 minute off the next,
he managed to get at some of his savings for holiday money… this again turned out to be a lie and he’d borrowed it from a friend , who not that i can say for sure but, it was probably never returned,
so the holiday arrived wet all waiting for the taxi to take us to the airport, i rang the taxi firm iv used for years to arrange it, he pulls up gets out the car and refuses to take XXXX as he took a taxi from my house the wk before and jumped out without paying! pleading his innocence he turned it on me saying:how many fucking men leave this house” obviously now i no it was one of his distraction technics once he’d been rumbled , he always needed to move the blame or distract it away from him,
after sorting the taxi driver out, we arrived at the airport , a full english and a pint , standard holiday start, lol…then XXXX drank and drank…. he sat on the plain wasted to the point i thought he was going to start getting angry, i managed to keep him calm with some embarrassing looks as he thrashing round his seat like he’d had some kind of fit…
the plane landed i managed to get XXXX through customs and to the baggage claim, he immediately started kicking off , wanting to leave the other and get a cab to the apartments we had booked, why? when we were all going the same way? in the cab he was a nightmare biting me and making sure even though it was cramped in the back seat that i wasn’t in anyway touching his friend next to me , pulling at my leg as if to keep me away from him,
the apartments where disgusting and as cheap as they where i wouldn’t have kept a dog in there, XXXX still drunk suddenly turned into the sex pest from hell, demanding sex as soon as the door was closed, and lets just say he didn’t smell the cleanest after using the on board loo on the plane, i managed to get him in the shower and i little sober , in thought now the holiday could start, as bad as the apartments where i thought, lets make the most of it,
that evening we went for food and some drinks and all seemed well , we had an early night and the boys went clubbing, the next morning id had enough of the apartment it really was disgusting , so we walked round trying to find better accommodation , as luck would have it the hotel that id stayed in on a previous holiday had vacancies so i paid and we went to get our belongings to move to the new hotel,
he told the boys we where going and if they wanted the same rate they could, but they wanted to stay, this caused arguments between XXXXand his flat mate , according to XXXX , saying i was trying to split the group up! even though we where 5 minutes down the road! and anyway they could come and use the pool rather than the one at the apartments next to the motor way,
some more friends where arriving the next day, XXXX drank heavily and that afternoon his sex demands started to get really weird , he wanted me to cut him , and carve my name in his back, he wanted me to hurt him and have sex over and over again, to any man reading this i bet there thinking lucky lad,,,, but it got quite scary, and there was nothing behind Mathews eyes as he demanded these things,we started arguing and i went down to the pool to cool of from the argument, where his friends where relaxing, one went to talk to him , even then he lay naked on the sofa not even truing to cover his dignity, swigging a bottle of vodka.
after a while i returned to the room to see if he’d calmed down, he had but now he was in sarcastic drunk mode , so i left him in the lounges and went to lay down to read,
after a while i started to feel my self falling asleep , XXXXX came and layer behind me, and i saw this an an olive branch and put his hand in mine and told him i loved him. the next minute my back was wet and warm… he was pissing up my back! and laughing,
this was the last straw not even 48 hours into the holiday and i had this! i packed my stuff i wanted to go home, he went down to the pool as i searched for a flight, 5 minutes later he was back, this was the 1st s attack on me so far , he was shouting and screaming, the pictures where off the wall , the apartment was trashed, the police arrived, i managed to open the door, as i turned round XXXX was cowering on the bed crying , saying “get him off me get him off me” … i stood therein amassment at his acting skills.
the police asked for our passports , i gave them mine where as XXXX just lay there saying get him away get him away… they dragged him from the bed and demanded his passport, and to be honest i was shocked as they started hitting him for not cooperating , he gave in and sat in the bed like he was the victim, being very polite and giving me looks of hurt,
the police said you can sort this out now or come with us, i asked XXXX and he said with tears in his eyes , eel sort it i love you., as i showed the police out and went to close the door he was off the bed running towards me again with hate in his eyes, so i opened the door and he ran smack into the police who had just left, they took him away, ,,,, i packed his stuff and left it at reception and called his friend to collect it, if i couldn’t get a flight home then id have to sit it out and wait,
after laying in the apartment for hours i got a call from one of his friends ,” he wants to see you”.. i went down to the stairs of the hotel and he just started verbally attacking me again so i walked off back to my room , 3 times i walked down those stairs and 3 time the same thing over and over again…. how can you tell someone you love them and in the same breath say the most vile things to them?
eventually he calmed down , i let him back into the room and he was full of remorse , and the sorry kept coming thick and fast,we talked and he was sober for the 1st time in 3 days,
the next day he felt ill , so for the whole day we where in the apartment with the blinds pulled as i looked after him , being a nurse maid, that evening he felt better, and said he’d rather not drink after how ill he felt today, we went for dinner and met everyone else later in a bar, piece was restored…. so i thought, XXXX started drinking again and the laughter was flowing, he was holding my knee and kept pecking me on the cheek, then something switched inside him, his hand moved away and that empty look was back behind his eyes, i leaned in to kiss him and he pulled away, saying”you fucking slag”…. i got up and went it was embarrassing , i went back to the hotel.
i was asleep when he got back , as soon as he was through the door he started again punching and kicking saying id slept with is friend , how i don’t no id been with him all day! he grabbed my phone and smashed it to the ground , “call the fucking police on me would you” i ran from the apartment to reception for the police to be called,
theres no way he was coming back to the apartment this time,
the next morning no one had seen him, i went for a walk to see if he was in a cafe or anything, and there he was saying he’d been inside all night with the police, this was i lie as there where no holding cells in our resort, still full of rage shouting and calling me a slut, i rang his friend to say id found him so they could come and take him back to the other apartments ,
i got back to the hotel and broke down how the hell could someone you love so much turn into this monster, and say such hurtful things ,,one of his friends lent me a phone which luckily had the same network as mine so i could at least keep contact with them,
the next minute my phone rang . it was the client screaming down the phone ” he kicking my door in come quick”… i jumped ion a taxi, In XXX mind i was in the apartment with the client even though my hotel was 5 minutes away … i stood behind him as he screamed my name through the door as he tried to kick it in, “I’m here XXX” i said, in his mind id clime off the balcony down the drain pipe and round and back in the door! jesus he thinks I’m James bond now! so we stood in the street screaming at each other , his friends stood there saying ” thats just XXXX” what did they mean they’d seen it all before , and not horrified or sickened by it?… i left them to him, he really isn’t my problem anymore,
i returned back to the hotel, and once again tried to look for flights out of there,
,
again i drifted in and out of sleep id been her for 3 days and was still as white as a sheet up to now all id seen was the same walls for what seemed like forever,my phone rang again.”he wants to see you” so some reason i went to the bar they where in and ordered coffee , he sat there calling me all the names under the sun and yet the next minute i love you… 3 time i got up to walk away the last time i did. why did i keep putting myself through it? i think looking back i was with his friends and new no one i might be a 38 year old father but felt like a child all alone in a place i didn’t want to be , and couldn’t talk to anyone back home as i didn’t want to cause worry for anyone, that night was a long night i had no contact from any of his friends and in a way this was worse . as he ok`? had he flipped out again?
the next day i got a call , “please met us at the beach they’d locked him in the apartment and he’d slept for hours, he was sober with rested , i arrived and he was like the old XXXX the one i loved , he takes , we cried “if you ever raise your hand to me again xxxx ” i said realising now it was falling into the ears of a very disturbed man ,
so for the last 48 hours of the holiday things where good, we went off on our own and had what i thought a real holiday should be,
i was so relieved to be on the plain home and couldn’t wait to land, XXXX was being his old self and the laughter and love returned to us, hew tried to tell me it was because he felt out of his comfort zones,how he hated to take time off work, how he was jealous even though id never given him a reason to be , how its because he’s never been in love like this before and it scared him,
now one of XXXX weapons is sex, the sex with XXXX was amazing, the things he wanted to do i had never done ever , outdoors, bondage, his fantasies where eye opening, and he always made me feel like i was an amazing lover, where in the past id always felt inadequate through my own thought process not anything anybody had ever said,
some of his fantasies where a bit way out , he wanted to be kidnapped taken to the woods and tied to a tree before being forced to have sex… this was a lot to take in ,
this fantasy would come up again later in the summer but as a tale he told me that had happened to him and he was rapped in the woods, i looked at him blankly and said you asked me to do that to you, and now your saying this horrific thing was done to you and you find it hard to get over” … he said he’d never asked me and that i was lying , i let it go so not to cause arguments,
while my phone was being fixed XXXX lent me his old i phone , it was still full of photos from before we met, i felt uneasy , everything he said he wanted us to do as a couple there where photos and videos of him and an ex doing, nothing seedy , just like getting a log cabin in the woods, having long country walks, and photos of things Mathew thad done for him ,massive signs saying i love you , for some one who hadn’t dated for a while and who had never been this much in love , this was all very odd,
again i put this to the back of my mind, as XXXX said that was the past and not our future together ,
we stumbled across some old houses that where to let , amounts the old castle grounds of leicester, after enquiring about them we would need to set up a business and lease them , then we could do them up and live in 1 and let the other, they where so beautiful and i suppose i was in love with the idea, as much as i was in love with XXXX, we talked for hours how perfect they would be , he drew in my mind the open fire on our home, the cooking dinner together after work , i no it sound to good to be true… we opened the business bank account and started to make plans, behind the housed was the old motte to the castle , in all the time id lived in leicester i had never been up there ,it was breath taking, this became our place, wed speak over the park fence at night with blankets and picnics and watch the stars and talk for hour, XXXX would say he wanted to marry me on the mote , this would after all be our back garden once we moved into the house as there where private step leading up to it, i really was so in love with him and his mind , we shared the same interests in many things , we would cast silly spells from a off the shelf spell book to protect us and the houses , looking back now i was like a teenager in love, wed be on the mote for most of the summer, it felt good, it was ours,
we where like kids , one wk end a got cheap tent and we took off camping for the night walking through fields , jumping over fences , XXXX had no sense of danger and with his see what happen approach i found it exciting , we where in the middle of no where and it was getting dark , being me i started looking for land marks , not XXXX he kept walking for hours and sure enough we got back to the camp site some how.
the steeling was even visible then , he took stuff from the camp site gardens and presented it as gifts to me,
as mad as it sounds we did make some memories and not all bad,
when i look back all the signs where there, XXXX would send 30 e mail a day to me asking what we should do that night only to turn up and ask what id like to do?… how can you forget the plans you’d made hours before?… and shrug them off like the conversations never took place?\
for the rest of the summer it was just us two, we went to festivals . walked and talked for hours , XXXXX loved the out doors we would sit in the garden till all hours , wed even set the lap top up outside and watch films laying on the grass . falling sleep and waking up wet with dew,
it all seemed perfect, to me
as we walked past the church near the houses one afternoon we noticed the church was open, so we went inside as id never been into this hidden place before i was looking round and suddenly XXXX was running down the iasle withe the alter cross in his hand smiling!… i couldn’t believe it he’d stolen from a church… i ran from the church and he was behind me with the cross…
in shock he stood there “its a gift for you” …what!… I’m not a god fearing man but this is fucking wrong,… no remorse , no guilt, nothing came from XXXXX….he brought the cross to my house and stood it in the hall way , every time i walked past it i felt uneasy,
XXX told me to stop being silly its an object and nothing else, later i returned the cross to the church, and felt bad for getting a thank you email from the vicar , at least it was back in its rightful place on the alter,
XXXXX was a great one to talk of karma , and for once i couldn’t agree more a month after he took the cross the church spire started to crumble and no one was allowed near the housed or the church, it was all boarded off, for now the houses couldn’t be touched by anyone,
XXXXX strange episodes became more frequent, he hadn’t a nice word to say about anyone and would ramble on about how everyone will fall. how we should watch the empires collapse , how he was perfect and how lucky i was to have such an amazing man, id laugh and build his ego thinking this was all in jest, but it wasn’t he really thought that
he was fine when it was just the 2 of us but as soon as a third person or friends where there something switched within him and it always ended up with one of us storming off home , i remember taking him and his friends to a charity ball id sponsored, we where all dressed up .i think id been there for 10 minute before he leaned in and switched asking me what the fuck i was playing at…… id done nothing, with embarrassment i went home,
he always manage to sweet talk me round with the excuse this is why he should never drink, or its his friend make him feel insecure around me,
so in a way we became recluses only going to bars together and turning down nights out so we wouldn’t end up falling out,
the summer faded and autumn came things where good, i excepted XXXXX bazar ways and i suppose found them quite interesting,
he still and episodes , i can remember being in bed watching a film and he kept trying to push the little speaker behind the screen, thinking it was because the little blue light annoyed him i tried to turn it round so the light was facing the other way, the next minute he slammed the screen down and unplugged the speaker, saying i was trying to film him and not to watch the film it was evil and trying to draw us in… again i put it down toto much wine…
XXXXX loved being tied up for sex, id brought him some bondage stuff of e bay , playful stuff, one night he asked be to tie him down, as i put the leather cuffs on his ankle he freaked out ” get them off me get them off me”…. so i did them he asked to see them, in his mind they had explosives on them and i was going to blow his feet off! again i laughed it was like a scene from a horror film in his head,
i made a joke saying i haven’t got time to be pushing you round with no legs mr!…and he laughed back making me think it was all a joke, a sick one but a joke.
in the middle of november id started research some of his odd behaviour online, he had all the traits of a narcissistic or a sociopath , I’m not an expert ,but the more i read the more he fitted the bill in a very text book way, i kept it to my self and looked for ways to help him, could i make him feel more secure, was it my fault me switched back and forth between what seemed like two different people?
i suppose the caring side of me wanted to mend what i thought his parents had done to him all those years ago,
i remember it like it was yesterday, 14 Th. november 1013. we woke at XXXX apartment, on a sunday morning and XXXX seemed odd, erratic and unable to make a decision on what to do . go for a walk, cook, dinner,watch a film,… he hadn’t had a drink so where was this coming from. XXXX even walked different when he was in this mood, one side of him was like a lost child who needed love and support , the other was this hate filled higher entity that needed no one, i was uneasy and watched his every move, we walked to my house and he still couldn’t make a discussion on what to do, so i said i was was hungry , walking to the shops Mathew was erratic, I’m not the most comfortable person with public affection and nor is he , but suddenly he’s grabbing and kissing me in the street, grabbing me in the shop shouting i love you down the isles , we got the stuff to make toad in the whole and he made me promise that id let him cook it as i relaxed , anything to keep him happy thought
i could feel the tension raising , i put the tv on as xxxx started to cook. i walked into the kitchen , only to witness XXXX cracking egg after egg into a bowl I’m no cook but 9 eggs in a Yorkshire pudding is not right , and XXXX was a trained chef!….. the meal was disgusting, you cam imagine baked egg with sausages in it, i ate some then started to clear up, Mathew layer on the sofa , i went and sat on the sofa and stroked his hair as he dosed , yet again he kicked off…” everyone will fall “….”watch them fall” the dirty gays will all fall……
id heard enough , “i want you to leave XXXX … leave my house” why why why….. your scaring me and I’m asking you to leave . he wouldn’t the next minute I’m pinned against the wall his hand round my throat, he let me down then the games began, any one who’s human will raise there voice in an argument to defend themselves , not XXX , and he would try to play mind games ” why are you raising your voice ,got something to hide”…. why are you crossing your arms …being all defensive, why you moving around , because your lying,
id had enough i called the police , he was shouting down the phone stop hitting me stop hitting me, un yet he still sat there in my house , he eventually left, i called the police back to cancel the call, unbeknown to me because they can here shouting they still send someone out, they left and i got text messages from XXXX “have you calmed down yet mr?do you want me to come back now grumpy, ! no i don’t we are finished , good bye, the text kept coming and i ignored them , the next day i was at work in another city , i hadn’t had a text all morning and this made me uneasy , i think i new him well enough now to no that no new is bad news, then at 2 o clock ping my text message, hi mr, thought about what you said there is no going back, but friendship would be good if we’ve both got time for it, have a good week I’m off to the gym, if you want to catch the christmas lights being switched on then cool if your free, replied ok mr, enjoy gym have a good wk, thinking stupidly that was that. another text then another each time i didn’t reply with an open text, just short and friendly to end the conversation, somehow i new i was waiting for the other XXXX to text me , suddenly “ping there it was….. can you just fuck me as a mate i don’t trust anyone else…. i replied , sorry mr not really my thing,,,,, the next text was horrific and read as follows
IF YOU DO NOT COPERATE I WALL CALL THE POLICE
YOU RAPED ME AND TIED ME DOWN UNDER MY WILL
YOU TOOK ROPE OUT WITH YOU TO KIDNAP ME
I HAVE THAT ROPE WITH YOUR DNA ON IT
I WANT MY STUFF BACK FROM YOUR HOUSE
IV GOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO SEND YOU DOWN
YOUR A RASPIEST AND A PATENTAL KILLER
I WAS TO CONTROLLED TO EVER ESCAPE
after another 45 text messages from and voice mails as i worked , i left for home for the whole journey my phone ringing again and again, as soon as i was home id call the police to report it,
about 2 mile from home the phone stopped , nothing not a missed call or a text, perhaps he’d passed out or just given up?
i was just coming off the motor way when i got the call, my house had been burgled and fucking queer painted on the windows , i pulled up shaking , my front door smashed in , red paint everywhere , the police entered 1st i took a deep breath and walked in, waiting to take in the carnage that was once my home,
inside nothing apart from my laptop gone and i pad , and a picture he brought me had been smashed , not a draw open nothing, the police immediately said this is not a burglary this is a hate crime,
i was in shock as i made my statement , i tried to show the police the text but they just said they’d seen worse and not to worry about them… not worry! i was being accused of rape and kidnap!…
still in shock i tided up the mess just leaving the paint for the forensics the next day, i even stood gluing the picture back together , i suppose shock does silly things to us all. i couldn’t sleep.would he be back? it was 1am i was on the sofa thinking if i sleep down here iv got a better chance of hearing if anyone comes to the door, id patched it up for the night but still felt venerable, one good kick and it would be in again, there was a knock at the door , i leaped up, it was the police they’d seen the light on and called to let me no Mathew was in custody for another offence and would be charged for the burglary in the morning ,
in a way i still felt for him , we’ve all done stuff we regret when a relationship end , and after regretted it, at least for tonight he could cool off in a cell,
the next day i got a call XXXXX was out on bale and had been told not to contact me , they had is phone and where doing investigations
he walked past the salon with that smile a few time that day,
i heard nothing from him, apart from he was in the bar telling people he had been arrested for breaking my ribs and how was i standing after that… if it mad him feel more of a man then let him get on with it, i no the truth, and plus i was embarrassed id got to the age of 38 wit out ever having to call the police and now they where on speed dial!….
the days past then i got an email from him about the houses , what did i want to do with them, what did i want him to do with them,
i suppose i enjoyed it after all i was still grieving the loss of the relationship . we e mailed and he kept saying the house wasn’t him, stupidly i agreed to meet him, in secret because of his bale, we talked and he said the police where having a laugh with him over it and said he shouldn’t worry! … and that he doesn’t hold grudges and he’d forgotten about it! forgotten ! how the hell can you do that!…
he cried his eyes out saying he missed me, he has no real friends, for a few days after it was just emails, seeing how i was, seeing if i was ok .. and then wed go for walks away from town incase we where seen together , all this time he’s convincing me it wasn’t him, and that it must be someone who has a grudge against me,
we started seeing more and more of each other , hiding away in bedroom or at my house , things where strained, ok i said innocent till proven guilty , if you get let off i will stand outside naked and apologise to you , he laughed and said he couldn’t wait to see that… at the beginning of december he said his bail date had been and gone and it was all over with, i new it wasn’t id get updates weekly from the police, i new when the date was it sticks in your mind January 23rd 11am….. but i let him carry on with his story, christmas came we spent x max eve at my house packing everything you do at christmas into 1 day, putting the tree up, making mulled wine, roasting chestnut. christmas day was to be spent at my mums , she invited him only because she thought it was making me happy , he ran around buying them all gifts , christmas day was ok we ate dinner fell asleep it didn’t feel right as if i was just going through the motions of it all, we oft and went home, boxing day came and we went for a walk at brad gate park along with the other thousands of people who had the same idea that day, and things seemed ok …. just ok
for christmas XXXXX had brought me an old family bible bound in leather it was beautiful part from the fact he’d ripped the front cover off it to get it cheaper in the antique shop… again i was in shock . you’ve destroyed a bible XXXX he laughed and said it got the price down and we could get it rebound, like i said before I’m not a god fearing man but to do that to any holly book is wrong,
during dinner my sister was talking of renting a house with her partner suddenly XXXX piped up, i tell you what , you have js house rent free , j will move in with me and save for a deposit to buy somewhere , with that smile on his face!… i sat at my families dinner table lost for words , when we got back to my house , i said you gave my house away ! if i wanted to rent it out i would , but not for free and when i was ready… his answer!….. your family are grabbing bastards they use you she would even take your house fro you for nothing , i was testing them! wf !…
going back there was the steeling from me , not a lot but still steeling,
i got ready for work and XXX waited as i showered and wed leave the house together, i new i had £20 in my wallet and i could see it poking out the top, i pulled into the garage filled the tank and got y wallet out, there in my wallet was just a corner of a £20 note as if it had been ripped that fast from the wallet it had torn off. in a confused state i paid on my card and put it down to me pulling money out of it and convinced myself it wasn’t there in the 1st place, the second time it happened, i new i had two £20 notes folded together in my pocket, after getting dressed and XXXX leaving i got the money out my jean and there was 1! how could i loose 1 when they where folded together?…..this time i new it wasn’t me, i called him .
“did you take any money out my pocket ?”
“no as if i would with only us two in the house”
an odd reply don’t you think?
i hung up i new it was him, but how could i prove it?… his daily emails started arriving, “hows your day apart from accusing your boyfriend of steeling from you lol…
at lunch time he rang me still making jokes about me accusing him,
“I’m just off to spend my £20 he laughed” the thing is i never said it was £20 that had gone missing! busted…….but was was the point of going over it again , he could argue black was blue if he had to…and told one lie to cover up another time after time, so i took to hiding my wallet all round the house before bed, thats healthy in a relationship!!!! if he needed money ask for it , i really would give someone my last pound if they needed it more than me,
his steeling became part of him, if he wanted something he took it ,we was selling mortgages at show homes one wk end and when he got back half the show home was in his bag, loads of cheap decorative tat that cost nothing . why? Why did he see it as his right to own it… he didn’t need anything he had every thing he needed ,
he would steel plants from tables outside cafes and then later present them to me as a gift from his bag! why? should i feel flattered , did he just like the thrill of taking it? … no one will ever no only XXXX.
how can you still sit and cry over someone like this? this monster , who thinks they are beyond the law?…they follow there own laws and are untouchable by any one or so they think, and in his words only god can judge him!
how can you still feel love for them and still deep inside hope that one day they will heal and be able to have feelings of emotion,
or in some way should we feel envy, the ability to hurt, and not to feel guilt or remorse for our actions …. surly this is super human…. you see what these people do to you? they make you question everything about humanity and the world we live in,
just before christmas we went to XXX home town up north to see hid family, he hadn’t seen them for 4 years even though they where only an hour away by train, i was feeling uncomfortable , i had to face his dad after all the horrific stories he had told me and his mum, how would i cope noting what i no and being a father myself, the only truth i could see with his mum and dad where they where both heavy drinkers , alcaholics his words , but to be an achaholic according to the medics you only need 1 drink every day, so if thats the case we where as well. even 1 glass of wine with dinner every day is seen as abuse,
it was strange he hadn’t seen them in 4 years and only spoken to them on the phone a hand full of time un yet he walked in had a drink and started dozing as i chatted to his mum,was this a defence against what they had supposedly done or was this the fact that if XXXXwasn’t entertained enough he got bored very easy?
another thing that struck me was all his family had very northern accents and he’d grown up there till he was 17 then moved to leicester, so shouldn’t he have a northern leicester mix accent?… where did this well spoken queens english com from? can you retrain yourself to to speak ?or was this a mask to his voice as well….
christmas came and went and XXXX episodes became more and more erratic , leading up to the 24th of january as if he was un coiling ,we argued constantly , the night of the 23rd he was doing some admin for work and i glanced over his shoulder, ” where you going at 11 0 clock tomorrow ” i said noting full well this was to answer bale… I’m starting work at 11 he said , with that cold lifeless look he had become so good at giving me,
on the mining of the 24th i said good bye and went to work , i got a call at 9.30 from CID telling me he would be re baled till the 11th of feb due to the fact evidence wasn’t back yet, i rang him straight the way, ” why did you lie about your bale date Mathew? … ” i didn’t the 1st i new of it was when they called me to regale me today! was his answer… whats the point of me carrying on arguing with someone like that its a waste of energy ,
we exchanged a few heated e mails and didn’t see each other for a few days , and then came the i miss you bull shit emails , i agreed to see him for a quick drink after work on the friday,
friday arrived , he left his bag at the salon as it was heavy and we went for some drinks to talk, i talked he sat there glazed and sealant , every time we talked it was the same, then he broke his silence
telling me i was a dirty flirt and people had messaged him that i was contacting them on face book and flirting and that they had deleted me because of it… if i didn’t believe him have a look myself. sure enough loads of long term friends had gone from my friends list! i felt sick to my stomach , id never do that so what had happened?…. looking at my face book later i realised he’d hacked into mine and blocked friends from my list through my account!
we starting shouting so i told him to fetch his bag from the salon and go home, as i opened the salon door he pushed me in and ran up to my office , the only place where there is no cameras , he was on top of me biting my hand trying to get my phone off me, i managed to get up and go down to the salon so at least he would be on camera , i called the police from the front door of the salon, as he’s shouting stop hitting me again,,,, i walked into the middle of the street like a mad man waving at the cctv so they could see i wasn’t hitting him, he sat there full of rage like a king on a thrown , being cock sure that the police would never arrive, as they walked in he switched to the charismatic XXXX , even thanking them so much for arresting him!.. they took him away , i went home and waited for the police to come and make my statement , by this time it was 2 am as i shut the door i got the most horrific pains in my chest… and pins and needles down my arm… shit this is it ! a heart attic… he’s managed to fucking kill me!
the ambulance arrived . i felt so stupid but id never had a panic attic before and luckily thats all it was ,
after a horrible nights sleep i went to work , i got the call Mathew had been cautioned and let out , can you believe that very same day came the text , from him…”HOWS YOU”! what the fuck!..
i ignored the text and had a quite saturday night , sunday, came the 1st email….i miss you….to which i didn’t reply , then the next one , man up and lets me mates il look after you man xx….
i did reply, maybe in time mr but not right now,…. the nothing for hours ,
11pm sunday night “bam’ email after email
come fuck me…
meet me tie me down and fuck me…
show me who’s boss like only you can….
ruin my ass mr……
i responded have some respect if not for yourself then for others,…… and id rather, die a slow and painful death than sleep with you,
he replied
come on man your the only man i trust
the next day i got an apology for the messages but the emails kept coming,
for some reason i kept falling for his lies and charm every time, i suppose when you love someone you look for any hope there is even if its hopeless in a way,
he e mailed me about some free tickets to a show and if i new anyone that wanted them , they where for thursday night , my reply was simple and short NO THANKS… but again after 5 or 6 emails i agreed to go with him on the friday, i stood at the booking desk as he manipulated the ticket office and convinced them they had got it wrong and the tickets where for friday and not thursday, and sure enough they apologised and gave him tickets for the friday!… all it would cost was £1 to reprint them…. i stood there not believing what i just witnessed . as we walked to a bar for a drink before the show, he started saying how disgustedted he was he had to pay an extra pound when it was there mistake!… “Mathew they where for thursday!” i said , nothing from him, does he have the ability to convince himself before convincing others?. then to stand there and make polite chit chat with the booking staff while they franticly bow to his over appoigising and demands?
we watched the show then went for a drink, i saw the switch in the bar , his eyes change , its hard to describe but his beautiful eyes almost change to empty, and his eye lids drop lower ,
he started bringing the face book thing up again, i new i needed to leave, shit! id left my bag at his apartment with my lap top in, i couldn’t flame again for another one! so i had to take his vile talk one minute i love you the next and just lay and roll over , he’d steam in my face the lick it saying he loved me`!…. we walked back to his apparent my only thought was get your bag and go, by this point he had switched back and as if nothing had been said “shell we stay at yours or mine “!….jesus ! how can you do that, i managed to get in by jet saying what he wanted to hear, i got my bag and said i was going home, the next minute I’m being ragged around the bedroom screaming your not leaving! his flat mate opened the door and i asked him to get him off me.” you can leave anytime you want to ” hr said! god is his flay mate just as unhinged as XXXX? i finally got free and fled , jumped in a cab looking like id had my clothes ripped from me in a fight.
the phone calls began , the voice mails , the text i locked the door and blocked his number from my phone,
the next day i got the e mails again, this time a different approach , whats wrong with me ? help me i love you so much, i felt like it was a urikka moment , he’s asking for help, stupid me,
i met him for a chat again he sat there like he had no voice, so i talked at him, “lets try this” why don’t we every morning, have a doubt and love email. then anything you’ve got in your head you can email it me 1st thing and then by the evening you will have not have let it build up into something its not?…. he agreed ,
this was the 10th of February , the day before his bale date,
he came to mine we lay in bed like new lovers he was gentle and kind , we made love this time he wanted me to make love not have sex, we fell asleep , in the morning he was up and dressed and out the door , no coffee nothing, i text him YOU OK?…. yes I’m late for work , ok….
the emails started not long after. now i no he was answering bale at 4pm so i think the emails where a last ditched attempt for me to agree with him to move in. so in a way he could somehow show them to the police and say look , where starting a life together,… because the was getting more moody in his e mails to which i was just replying ..WE CAN DISCUSS LATER X… i got one back after 10 minutes I CAN SEE YOUR TO BUSY TO EMAIL I WILL SORT A RENTLE FLAT FOR US AND WE CAN SORT A DATE LATER TO MOVE INX, this was the last email i had,
the clock struck 4pm on the 11th….,. i felt sick, if he gets let off for the burglary then my life is going to be hell , if he gets charged , then my life can begin again,
it was the longest afternoon of my life , i got a call at 10.30pm XXX had been charged with domestic burglary and criminal damage , and would appear in court the next morning after a night in the cells , and he was still pleading not guilty even with all the evidence against him……
i didn’t sleep. the phone call came , he had been to court and was on bale till he appeared in crown court and still pleading not guilty, the case goes on,so here i am now thinking if i write it down i will be able to put it behind me and somehow try to live again, it.
i must stress that if my narcissist is reading this and loving the attention , i would like to say everything he ever told me was a lie, so any reference to his father or exs that isn’t true then forgive me , these where XXX words to me not mine , and one more thing if the smiling assassin tries to work his magic on you….. run , run as fast as you can and do not ever look back
I’m a sociopath. I think i can understand why you people hate the sociopath. I dont know why im leaving this comment. But what i really like, i love watcing people squirm, watch as you crush them. Then say, its ok, it was just a bad day. or some lame excuss. Then i bring em back in. its like im sharpening my skills. I take it back,… i know why im posting this, ohhh how i could be there to see your faces as you read this. Isnt life a glorious thing.
You sound quite sad and lame. Most people are too busy with life to think that way. I guess you don’t have enough challenges in your own life. So you have to see other people as challenges. Do you know what this says about you? It merely says that you want to destroy others as they are everything and have everything you do not. Which is quite sad (and pathetic) really. Do you realise this?
“If you’re not playing a big enough game, you’ll throw the one you’re playing just to give yourself something to do.”
The saddest thing about this is not that the person never sees his own full potential, it’s that he doesn’t even know his own mind/motivations. Hard to push yourself when you don’t have a grasp on reality. One of my favorite quotes though.
Do you know Scarlett after the last four years. I ask myself the question, “what is reality” from a simple fraudian point of view it’s a working balance between the Id the ego and the superego.
Yet my reality radically changed for four years. Partially due to trauma and partially due to exploitation which was possible due to the trauma.
Reality is a state of mind. It’s all about perception any event could be perceived In many different ways.
The skill of the sociopath is to exploit this and to control your thinking so that it is ‘their way’. Aragh I could write an essay about this. Life is really what you think it is.
Stanger isn’t a sociopath, just so you know, just an immature child who thinks it’s cool to be ambivalent and cruel.
the same “virus”enter the site from time to time with the same story, the same script…really boring stanger
Please sharpen your spelling skills.
Do you think you alarm people writing what you do? It’s kind of funny, cos it’s not alarming really it’s kind of pathetic I feel sorry for you. You only feel strong putting others down If you are weak yourself. Truth.
Stranger than fiction!
Which is exactly what you are, a fictional character that hides & trolls behind a Strange existence.
All though, you do amuse us all here with your patterning & predictability.
I send you Love & Light as you need as much as you can take 😉
Oh & forgiveness for not being a ‘Being’ in the first place! LOL
Stranger Danger, I thinks that suits you!
PR xoxo
P.S. My Soc is about to ‘crash & burn’ as they always do so, beware of Karma cause she will definitely come your way 🙂
What you give out, you attract back!
@ Stanger
Why would you want to cause people problems chum ?
Its just such a waste of your own time . I hope that in time a cure will be found to restart the area of your brain that doesn t work .
Hope you get better one day .
Regards
Nick
Hi Positiva,
You said… “I ask myself the question, “what is reality” from a simple fraudian point of view it’s a working balance between the Id the ego and the superego.”
Some findings suggest the possibility of the sociopath brain not having a vital frontal “flap”, thus allowing through all impulses equally without the benefit of “filtering”. Such claims would seem to support the idea that the Id would be perceived as driving.
What’s interesting about Stanger’s comments is he begins by saying he doesn’t know why he’s posting a comment. Then he contradicts himself at the end of his post, saying he does know why he’s posting. I believe the “reality” for sociopaths may often be this back and forth, inability to stabilize on a singular path. It would make sense why a sociopath would fail to comprehend his own behaviors. It would also make sense how something more concrete—like seeing the results of their manipulations—would make more sense to them than something more complex like feeling hurt by someone not returning respect, care, interest, enthusiasm, etc.
You’re definitely right about realities being alterable by the sociopath’s lies. As you allude, we’re also capable of altering our own realities with our own thinking or, scarily, with drugs, which many are fortunate enough to overcome, but that can also turn into a permanent altered state.
Great comment as always Scarlett. I wonder why I find the mind so fascinating?
I saw the I don’t know why I am commenting and then I do… As merely short term process in thinking which is also common for sociopaths. They think often as they go along. Which is why they can become the lie. They are literally whatever they think at the time. Which for people who have been affected by them can be frustrating.
From your work point of view too, this is what happens to the employee in the workplace of one as the goal posts and demands are constantly shifting and changing.
P.S. I had to explain the meaning of Oxymoron to my Soc 😉
What a dope he was 😉
PR xoxo
Hi Scarlett 🙂
It’s smee PR 🙂
I think the Sociopath is a contradiction of themselves as mine was.
He always says he’s not materialistic & even says this to the OW who I speak with 🙂
He has everything, expensive cars, motor bike, watches, jewelry,clothes, shoes etc…
Constantly talks about his massive superannuation package so, he is a complete oxyMORON with an emphasis on MORON 😉 LOL
Love & Light Always 🙂
PR xoxo
PR-
I need to hear the “rest of the story” lol… seriously, write me!
I will tonight bella 🙂 xoxo stay tuned 🙂 xoxo
I have anemia so, my memory is all askew! 😉
My ex was my friend for eight years before we got together, then we lived together for seven additional years. I thought the only thing I wanted in life was to be his wife.
Four years into our relationship, when I had helped him kick meth (or so I thought) and had supported him through severe depression and long-term unemployment (but before I allowed his brother to move in despite his drug addiction and unemployment), my sociopath boyfriend confided in me that he knew he needed psychiatric help. It was a bizarre evening: we were just surfing the internet when he said that he knew something was wrong with him and he’d known for a long time, but that he had been reading about mental disorders online and thought he had identified the problem. I immediate asked him if he had borderline personality disorder or antisocial disorder, both of which I’d read about, so I guess I already had a suspicion that something was really wrong. He confirmed my concern by saying that he thought he had antisocial personality disorder. I should’ve left then — no one who isn’t a sociopath reads the description and wonders if they are.
Being a wonderful enabler, I tried to find him a counselor. He refused to go, saying that there wasn’t any treatment and there was no point.
In retrospect, I guess things got worse after that. Probably because he told me too much and thought he gave me some level of power.
He started icing me out. He’d disappear for days, telling me that he just needed to spend time with this friend of his. He wouldn’t respond to text messages. I’d be an anxious wreck not knowing where he was, and I’d feel like it was my fault that he didn’t want to spend time with me.
I can’t count the number of sleepless nights I spent crying. But he knew how far he could push me because he’d had years of friendship and several years dating to groom me. He knew he could keep me as long as he always came home. And that worked for a really long time.
Turns out he was back on drugs. Duh. I confronted him several times and asked him directly if he was using. He’d convinced me that, no matter what, he’d never lie to me — that we had some deep understanding of one another and we could trust one another above anyone else. I really believed that he was the one person in the world who had my back and that it would be me and him together forever against the world.
He’d been lying to me the whole time. For six years. He’d never been off drugs. He finally came clean about the drugs when I threatened to leave him.
It wasn’t because he wanted to change, but because he saw that he was losing control of me and he was willing to compromise his enjoyment of meth to preserve his meal ticket.
For about ten months he stayed at home all day sleeping, complaining that he couldn’t find a job (he wasn’t looking and he wasn’t willing to apply for what he was qualified for) and that he was depressed (he was milking the last bit of contentment he could while staying home all day watching TV). Thankfully, a mutual friend finally got him a job that paid well. He loved it because he got to pretend to be someone he wasn’t — a college educated professional. Really, he was a high school dropout for a poor family.
Suddenly, he was never home again. He would go out after work, drinking with women at his office. Because he’d ruined my trust, I was suspicious and angry about all the time he was spending with other women. Honestly, if he’d never told me about the years of drug use, I’d probably have believed his lies forever. It was only because he actually admitted to those lies that I ever began to question or doubt him.
He hated it. He told me I was controlling. He told me that I was insecure. Even then, I wanted nothing more than to marry him. I spent years putting time and energy into our relationship. Then he crossed my line. I was out of town, and he said he was home. My sister called to say his car wasn’t there, and I drove back. I got home and he was gone. He was smoking pot at the apartment of one of the girls he worked with. I was livid. I moved boxes of his stuff into the street.
Yet I let him come home (again). But when I tried to talk about how disrespected I felt, he said he was annoyed to have to listen to me again. Then he told me that he smoke pot because he “fucking hate[d his] life, and [I was] a huge part of the reason why.”
I was devastated. I consulted my best friend, who told me that qualified as abuse and suggested that I leave him.
I finally had the courage to leave because this amazing guy was wooing me online. If it hadn’t been for him painting a picture of a life that didn’t involve anxiety and self-loathing, I don’t know that I’d have ever left.
That was nine months ago.
The sociopath refused at first to move out of the house (it took him six weeks). Then he moved in with MY friend from junior high, essentially turning him and his wife against me. Then he moved into an apartment in the same complex as my best friend (the one who told me to leave him). Now they hang out regularly, and my “best friend” doesn’t speak to me. She talks trash about me to the only mutual friend we still have. The mutual friend he worked with? His wife was another close friend of mine. Now the sociopath is dating her best friend.
He did exactly what you said he would — he turned everyone against me. That betrayal of people I loved has been — by far — the most difficult aspect of the break-up.
Really, I know I’m lucky. I have a strong family who have been supportive of me, and I have a few friends who’ve stayed by my side. Plus the guy who wooed me online is amazing. But I’m in therapy dealing with anxiety and feelings of abandonment. I know I’ll never be the same, but I’m working to ensure that I don’t wear my suffering like a badge forever. (By the way, I did manage to drag the sociopath to couples therapy a few times. The therapist I’m seeing is the same one. He told me in a session when I was asking him whether he thought that the ex was a sociopath that it’s very difficult to tell the difference between a sociopath and an addict because they share so many similarities, but he DID say that I am the only patient he has ever directly told to leave the relationship. So, at least I know that my therapist doesn’t think I’m nuts.)
Rationally, I know that the friends I lost are victims of his manipulation. They are his way of “beating me” for getting the courage to leave him. But I have to admit that his “winning” the friends over makes me feel crazy — they were my source of support throughout the years. They saw what I went through. They encouraged me to leave. Now they are cool double-dating with his new girlfriend?!? Shouldn’t THEY be warning her? Or do they all think I’m crazy now? In front of them, he acted like I destroyed him by saying that he was heart-broken and depressed, but he never once called me or try to work things out. I’m so dumb that all he would have had to do would have been to propose, and I’d have taken him back.
I guess I should thank him for not dragging me back into the cycle, but it actually makes me feel even worse. I feel both discarded and duped.
I struggle not to hate them all. I’m trying to learn apathy, but it’s still relatively recent and I’m still rebuilding my life. I know I’m better off without him, but on lonely nights I still get bummed. That’s when I come re-read your blog, and I feel grateful that I’m not doomed to spend my life with a liar. Thank you for sharing your story and these resources.
Hi Erin,
Welcome to the site. Yes, betrayal hurts so much as it always comes from people you love. The sociopath knows this and deliberately targets those people, knowing that it will hurt you. But you tell yourself – he is going to a lot of effort and putting in a lot of effort to get to you. Those people who have betrayed you and hurt you – well they have shown their true colours, and you are better off without them in your life (as hard as that is to come to terms with this)
When this happened to me, I was left with virtually nothing in my life, it was like my life had been burned to the ground. Today, I appreciate that those people were removed from my life. A true friend would never betray you in that way. You say that you have supportive family this is good, and its also good that you have a therapist that is supportive.
Welcome to the site. I hope that you receive good support here.
@ Erin. Don’t you just love how the Spath seems to blame you for them hating their lives? I was told by my Spath that he hates me while we are arguing. Gees, that can be so confusing, blaming you for stuff and than showing love. It really is a push-pull relationship.
I am also very sorry to hear that he has turned people against you. To tell you the truth, if people believe these types of things (which can sound very believable coming from a Spath) than maybe they weren’t real friends to begin with. My advice is don’t have any contact with these people, one day they will see what the Spath is and will come back to you. Just close that chapter of your life for now.
It is hard not to hate, but it isn’t worth your energy. After 14 months, I finally feel like I have been moving on. It does take time. I am thinking of him less, but still at least twice a day. But I have no need to make any contact, I have nothing to talk to him about. I just don’t care about what he is doing anymore. To me, this is improvement. Just be strong, be positive and keep reading this blog. It makes a huge difference in recovery!
I am currently having a functioning relationship with a clinically diagnosed sociopath. We’ve been together 9 months. Since meeting me he says ‘its almost like when I first met you, it felt like I got hit by a truck, suddenly I saw everything differently, the wrong things I’ve done to people in the past, and that I should change if I’m to have you in my life.’ He’s proved to me that I can trust him and that he has changed, and Ive tested this many times in 9 months. Although many who hear Im with a man slowly overcoming his sociopathy tell me its impossible for a sociopath to change or experience real love and emotions, I say not every sociopath is the same. He is a very intelligent man, he has manipulated and lied and hurt people in his past, but only to those who deserved it. He once exposed a man when he (using his deductions) discovered they raped a girl. It may not have been his place directly, but they intimidated him, and he used their strongest weakness against them as punishment. Personally I think what he’s done has been mostly righteous, he just hasn’t done things in the same way non-sociopaths would, as he in the past didnt understand how to be humane. Instead he’ll give bad people what they deserve in his own way, through social exposure and humiliation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m only defending my sociopathic boyfriend because he’s changing his ways and doesn’t outwardly use his ‘power’ anymore, instead he quietly comments peoples weaknesses to me now and again that he observes, for my own ears and no one elses.
Call me crazy but he is the man I want to marry. Ive never met a man like him, and to be honest he hasnt hurt me or used me, and would do anything to protect me, even if it meant going back to his old ways now and again. I’m happy with my sociopath. I guess I got lucky that he isn’t like most.
Hi Kara,
If he is a sociopath, he might be aware of his behaviour. But the one thing that will not and cannot change is his lack of conscience. He has none. Just because he is ok with you now, don’t think he will remain so, should you ever choose to leave him. Or if you fail to be controlled.
You say that he has manipulated, lied and hurt people in the past, but to ‘those who deserved it’ do you think that anyone deserves to be treated like that? There is one thing when you have hurt someone unintentionally, but the sociopath deliberately and willfully sets out to hurt and destroy. It’s not a case of if, but when.
You only know what he has told you about his past…. and his santized version of events. Remember that they are compulsive pathological liars and very manipulative.
Believe me, sociopaths only have two types of people in their lives
– Accomplices
– Victims (in their mind)
Accomplices almost always become victims at a later date. Why? They suffer from boredom that is why They also expect things to go wrong… so will often make it wrong, even sometimes so that they can be the hero to repair damage that they have caused.
You also wouldn’t know if he has hurt you…. or used you…. until much later. They are masters at deception and painting the mask of illusion. Why would he let his mask slip if he doesn’t have to?
Nine months is a short time to know someone (even if it feels like you have known him 10 lifetimes)….. I agree that there are varying degrees of sociopathy, and that everyone is an individual. However, a sociopath always follows the same pattern.
You can be with a sociopath a very long time, before you know what the real truth is.
You see… he will always be in YOUR life… you will never be in his.
I too thought my guy was different, that he would not hurt me, because “he loved me”. Eventually, he did and that’s when all the lies were uncovered. When it hits, it hits really hard.
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I think that we have all thought that, that we were ‘different’ or ‘special’ to them… its rubbish and all part of the game that they play.
Ok. You’re crazy. (Or, more likely, a masquerading sociopath.). IF what you’re saying is even true, you sure didn’t “get lucky” that you’re getting played. There is no change for the sociopath, there is only adjustment to your ideals. Because you are light on character yourself, he just has to make fewer a adjustments.
Since you don’t seem to understand the concept, I’ll spell it out for you. Almost everyone in this room is smart enough to be spot another’s weaknesses and exploit them, or investigate to dig into the underlying truths of another. Integrity causes us not to exact revenge. Intelligence flags us to depart the company of the deceiving and dangerous.
I know you think you’re winning at this, but ultimately , you will lose. You’re here and able to read multiple examples of the realities of sociopathic relationships. That you 1) have the gumption to come here and claim your an exception given this company borders on blatant disrespect, and 2) that you really se to believe you are an exception says something about you (narcissist?). Either way, since you are with The Judge , capable of righteously judging all, I am certain you will get what you deserve out of this, wanted, blindsided, or not.
Well said Jusa 🙂
My ‘take’ exactly 🙂 xoxo
Hi Kara,
You can never have a functional relationship with a Sociopath.
Firstly, a Sociopath (diagnosed) is on the spectrum of disordered minds & ranks as one of the worst personalities etc…How on earth does a functional relationship take place with a dysfunctional person?
Perhaps you view dysfunction as function & that is your journey & I wish you well & I wish you a functional recovery when the ‘truth’ sets you free 🙂
The fact that he ‘comments’ on peoples weaknesses speaks volumes & he would be full aware of yours so, watch your back because he is 😦
He is watching your every move & thought & you won’t even know until you have no ‘thought’s except his!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
ok so my reply is a summary i wrote, then some copying and pasting of my communications with others (including my response to a blog on this site concerning the situation), and finally a list of my observations that just further confirm my suspicious…. so with that being said, please excuse the grammatical errors and messiness of this. this is all concerning a guy i met 3 months ago and quickly weaseled his way into my life and in that short period of time left me completely shocked and scared and forced to accept just how dark another so called human being can be.
Met this guy last December. Instantly bonded. Anything I said I like, he said “I like it too”, any opinion I had, he claimed he had. This guy seemed to have everything in common with me, but only after I revealed any such things about myself. He was a mirror image. He knew how much I love my dogs, so he acted like a dog lover who showered my dogs with attention but only when I was around. Knew I was very close to my mom, so charmed her and buddied up with her. And he was soooooooo cheesy, I mean the charm from this guy was through the roof. It was sickening. Developed all sorts of inside jokes with me to create this sense of a strong bond only we shared. And at the time, I fell for every bit of it. He said he just moved here from florida that very day. He moved up here because he graduated from college in florida so he quit his job at hard rock café and moved back up here to be with family. He used to own a catering company here and was going to open it back up. This weekend I found out the truth. He never finished college, he never worked at hard rock café, he never owned his own business. He was up here because there are warrants for his arrest in florida and his girlfriend at the time found out he stole over $5,000 worth of her belongings and pawned them, so she broke all ties with him, thus leaving him homeless and without a way to get home, considering it was her friend who drove him here. She called her friend and told her to leave him up here. Anyways, of course I didn’t know that at the time. So he got closer and closer, flattered the hell out of me, acted like he couldn’t stand being away from me for more than 5 minutes. Honestly it was downright annoying. Which he picked up on and he relaxed. he starts staying here at my house more and more, i get used to letting him borrow my car all the time. He further talks me into it by cleaning it for me and what not. He claims he is out working on getting his business back up, helping out his mom, so on and so forth. I found out this weekend that he was actually out with other girls all those times. But this guy weaseled himself into free room and board and use of my car. Then he comes home after his dates and helps around the house and cooks for us and everything else. But he doesn’t lift a finger when im not around. He doesn’t even talk to my mother when im not around (my mother was living with me at the time). He neglects the dogs when im not around. So one day I do a background check on him, because in the back of my mind something just doesn’t seem right. And there were things that would happen that seemed odd to me. For example, he is driving and a woman almost walks out in front of him. He rolls down the window and screams in a most cruel tone ‘GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE ROAD YOU DUMB FUCKING CUNT BITCH”. I was immediately telling him, wasn’t that a bit harsh? I think almost getting run over was lesson enough for her. His response? He was angry because he could have hit here and could have gone to prison over it. His concern had nothing to do with her welfare. That combined with watching him around people… his charm seemed so phony and fake, and he would morph into the people around him, he would talk like them, refer to things he assumed they were interested in. just didn’t seem right. Anyways, I did a background check. Numerous arrests over the years, drugs, breaking and entering an occupied home, credit card theft, and more than one charge for all of it, along with driving under influence, on revoked license, without insurance, so on and so forth. So I immediately sit him down and ask him to explain. He said it was all years ago, and it was. He admitted fault, and explained he used to be a bad person with a horrible cocaine addiction, but he told me to check the dates again to notice none of it was recent. And he went on to explain he went to florida to go to college, work a job, clean up his act, and start over. That’s why he hates drugs. And he is now sober. But he warned me, if he is ever on drugs again, he will be that awful person and he cannot be trusted. I fell for it and appreciated his “honesty”. Meanwhile he continues to constantly borrow my vehicle for family related stuff. But he is staying gone for longer and longer, and I am annoyed. Once again I get suspicious, and I decide to dig a little deeper and see if I missed anything from his past. And I did. Stolen credit card from less than a year ago, and a domestic assault charge. In the mugshot for that one his face was beaten pretty bad. I search through his stuff he has at my house. I find morphine. He has already told me he has broken his back and it hurts often, but nonetheless at this point I have a bad image of him, so I assume he is stealing them from his terminally ill stepfather. So he gets all sorts of tasty text messages from me. He doesn’t respond much, and his responses are showing he obviously isn’t affected by anything im saying. Then I feel bad. I tell him that I remember he explained himself last time and I should expect him to do it again and I didn’t give him the chance. I tell him im sure he didn’t steal the pills, he has them for his back. He just makes fun of me and asks me to come get him to hang out and it is as though there was no conflict between us at all. He just didn’t care about the situation. But he does explain the arrests. A girl gave him her credit card to buy her cigarettes at the gas station and her jealous boyfriend called the cops and claimed he stole it. Some other girl was an abusive drug addicted psycho so when he was getting ready to move to florida he told her she couldn’t come, so she tried to stab him with a broken piece of glass in his sleep, and now she is locked up in an asylum. And of course, none of those stories are true as I recently discovered. So we move on and all is fine and good as I prepare to go to Michigan for almost a month to work at a power plant up there for my employer. He still borrows my car all day while im at work and im used to it. He still isn’t working and I gave up asking why. I knew my mom felt safer with him around so I gave him a set of keys and told him he could stay here and use my car while I was gone. A couple days before I leave, I find a half packed luggage bag of his. I ask if he was planning to come to Michigan. He said no. I asked what was up with the bag. He said he picked it up at his moms and just threw some stuff in it. Strange part is he just happened to throw overnight items in there. I tell myself im being paranoid and I let it go. Around that time I bought him a machete to clean up the brush in my backyard and he kept making jokes about how he was going to end up cutting his toe off with the thing because he was so accident prone. He ends up doing just that. He was outside cutting brush and “accidentally” swung the machete into his foot and almost took his toe off. Later I find out he intentionally hurts himself all the time so he can get pain killers because he is addicted. People who know him well have told me they have no doubt he did it on purpose. And when he walked around on his crutches, he was soooooooo proud and just soaked up all the attention. He walked up to strangers and out of nowhere started telling the story of what he did to his toe. It was just bizarre. Anyways, later I head up to Michigan for work and instantly he starts talking to me way less than usual. I was having to contact my mother to see if he was home and ok. She is telling me that he is constantly leaving with my vehicle. I end up having time off that I didn’t know I was going to have, so I gave him $200 in gas money to drive up to see me (i live in the south). He stays up there for a few days, uses all they $ I gave and asks for more, blaming my cars poor condition on all the money spent on gas because the mileage is affected. Then he suddenly has to leave the next day. He claims he has to get his stitches out of his toe. It’s a damn emergency. So he leaves. I tell him a million times to let me know when he makes it home. He only has one tank of gas and supposedly it cost him 200 to get up there, my cars in bad shape, and he is driving through winter weather. Hours go by and I hear nothing. So once again after calling and texting without response, I have to call my mom. She informed me he has been home for 3 hours and blatantly ignoring the phones when it rings. Ticks me off but whatever, im up in Michigan working and don’t have the time to deal with it. Valentines day I talked to him 5 minutes in the morning. I called and texted many times with no response. Once again i get suspicious and once again I look him up on the internet. And I find a new mugshot, from February 11th, and a court date. He never told me about any of this. So once again I go off ON HIM and demand an explanation. He says its not a big deal, his friend at the courthouse (he claimed everyone at the courthouse just loved him to pieces) told him he had an old warrant out for a failure to appear in court, so since he was all about clearing up his past and starting over, he did the right thing and went down to the courthouse and turned himself in. he had to go through the motions, so the mugshot was taken and he sat in jail for 2 hours. Paid the judge in court and all is well. To which my response is, well that is commendable, but you have to tell me about this stuff. He claims he was embarrassed. Want to know what REALLY happened? He was pulled over late night in my car which was full of drunk people because he was driving drunk. They looked him up and found the warrant and he ended up getting arrested for that and they let the drunk driving go. And still it is a mystery to me why I hardly heard from him valentines day, and the next day im getting a couple of cheesy mushy flirty texts from him, but very few. Ill fill you in on what was really going on later in this story, because it’s the beginning of the undeniable end here. Im up in Michigan working, and I am not happy. I never hear from him, my mom says he leaves all the time. But I got a job to do. Then my mom suddenly decides she is moving back to upper Michigan. Suddenly I realize what I truly think of this guy in the back of my mind, because I immediately panic. I do NOT want this guy unattended in my home with my car. I just don’t trust him at this point. My mom moves back to Michigan, and all communication between me and this guy pretty much ends. A minute or 2 every other day on the phone and that’s it. When I get done with my job up there, I drove home unannounced, because I was so sure id catch him in the act of whatever it was he was up to. I come home to him sleeping in bed. This comforts me and gains a little trust for him from me. Wrongfully so, as I soon found out. Meanwhile he claims he has a sponsor for his catering business. Some rich old lady in florida with kids as old as his. I immediately suspect he stole the card, so I go through his wallet, get the name off the card, and further question him. He shows me emails from her about setting up his business, and I feel like a jerk for questioning him. But I notice the email ends with “miss you immensely” which I found odd. He explains she is a good friend and believes in him. Still seems odd to me but I let it go. come to find out later, she is not old, her kids are young, and she was his other girl who was way more than a “friend”, who had no knowledge of me. He comes home with a smoker/grill, and for one day he cooks and makes deliveries and it all seems legit. It only lasted one day. Then I wake up at midnight after falling asleep around 8 and him and my car are missing. I call and he claims he drove to his friends to hang out. He apologizes for taking my car without permission but explains I just got home and when I was gone he was used to just grabbing the keys and going. Seems understandable to me, but regardless im not happy and tell him he better not do it again or I will report it stolen. i contact this friend later. he was not at his home that night. Only a couple days later I am getting ready to take a shower and he says he is going to head to the store to get some juice. I say ok no problem. I get out of the shower and he isn’t home yet. 30 minutes go by and I call him. He claims he went to bi-lo which is about 3 miles away but he is less than a mile away and will be home in a couple minutes. 45 minutes go by. I call and call and it rings and rings. Then it goes straight to voicemail. I freak out, call his mom, message his friends. He left around 8, and I call the cops around 11. I cant report it stolen, I gave him permission to use it I could press charges, but I don’t know whats going on. I don’t want to press charges after 3 hours and find out he was in a wreck or in jail for drinking and driving or in a ditch someone and no one has found him yet. I force myself to fall asleep and wake up around 4 am and see him walking in the fron door. He acts shocked that im upset at all. His excuse? His stepdad had a heart attack and his aunt called to tell him. His phone died while he was on the phone with his aunt, and he had to rush to the hospital. But it doesn’t add up. I called him for an hour and it was ringing when he claimed he was a mile away. He claimed he was at the hospital less than 2 hours. He was missing 8 hours. So he said he sat in the car for an hour thinking about the situation. I just walk away and go back to bed. He crawls in bed and turns on his phone and plays candy crush. He just said it was dead. I get up the next morning and tell him he must have lost track of time when he was at the hospital, and family comes first. Honestly, it was bullshit. I knew he was up to no good. But he thanks me and tells me he loves me and I get in my car to go to work. No bags from bi lo, no receipts. Not in the car, not in the house. I walk in and question him about it. He claims he must have left it at his moms house. So I ask, oh, you went to your moms house too? You failed to mention that. And I head to work, noticing the p[passenger seat heater is on, which I know was off the day before, and the car stinks like his cologne. And that’s when I go all in. he claimed his business was registered with the Chattanooga chamber of commerce. I call them. His business never existed. So I find the lady who’s credit card he has been living off of, and I tell her all about me, and inform her he is using the card for more than just his business. And then I show up unannounced from work and wake him up and tell him to pack up and leave. He is stunned and asks me why, and I offer no explanation. I said “lets just say I know, and we’ll leave it at that”. He packs up a backpack and says bye and he will talk to me later. I laugh at him. And he drives away. But there is soooooooo much more I find out when I pack his stuff up to store in my garage, and then even more I find out when the lady in florida responds to me, along with a couple other people who have known him for years.
Ok so my fingers are getting sore and the rest of this is captured in other things I wrote so bare with me because I am going to copy and paste now…
“Wow… Just wow. Nothing better than finding a receipt from a restaurant in Florida from valentines day in your boyfriends stuff along with a girls address. The same girl who gave him a credit card that he’s been living off of. Now I know why I couldnt get ahold of him on vday when I was stuck working up in Michigan. And guess who’s car he drove down to see his other lady? Mine.”
“ It gets better. Sociopath had my car one night… Next day looks like someone threw their drink all over the side of my car, my windshield is cracked, and there’s a gash in the inside of the door from something sharp. Oh and I found 4 more receipts from FL from the 14th till the 16th, including one from saks 5th avenue. Really creepy part? After I kicked him out and he left, I went through my house and every single window was unlocked. I always lock them”
He went through the house and unlocked every single window.
“ Aaaaaand after some more digging and talking to some other people, it just got even worse. Everything he ever told anyone was a lie. My house was his uncles house according to him. My car was his car. Spending time with his mom and dad wasn’t his mom and dad. Things he bought and brought home….. He didn’t buy. He claimed he bought it with money from working for his dad… Nope, he didn’t have $, he didn’t work for his dad. His savings he was living off of? He didn’t have any. Everything was bought for him by someone he was playing along with me or he stole it from who knows who or where or when. Best part? His gf in fl had the same name as his mom, so he would talk to her and tell her he loves her and misses her right there in front of me, then get off the phone and explain he sometimes calls his mom by her name. How do I know this? Me and the lady in Florida have become acquainted.”
“ cyber stalked him and proved all his stories are lies, and best of all discovered all the warrants out for him. so naturally he lined up his next victim while trying to at least keep a nice loving mask on for me because he knew i was catching on. thats when it started getting scary. demented threatening comments towards me masked as jokes, references to poisoning me and then i notice i started feeling ill, knives found in the dresser.”
Now that he is gone, I have been starting to feel better, and my dogs are getting sick less.
“he leaves most his stuff here to have an excuse to contact me later, and claim that legally he is a resident in case he can’t find another place to crash. i take it all to his home and throw it in his yard when I found out everything he has is probably stolen. then his other girlfriend from florida texts him to let him know everything he bought with her credit card is now mine to donate to charity. and when he shows up with the cops claiming my things are his, i inform him of the warrants and tell the cop the whole story right there in front of him. i now know he knows i’m on to his game and i have dirt on him. needless to say he has left me alone.”
I found expensive jewelry in his belongings that he didn’t have before. On the bottom of the box the label showed it was purchased in Orlando, which is where he was when I was in Michigan working.
“when I would use sarcasm it baffled him. He has to stop and with this dumb look on his face trying to figure it out, and ask if that was supposed to me a joke, and then inform me he doesn’t get sarcasm. I’d say something in a playful and joking manner poking fun at him, and heif he didn’t stop to ponder over it for a few moments to figure out it might be humor he would get angry. no matter how often I pointed out that obviously I was kidding based on my tone of voice and he should know how I speak and I would never actually say anything that ridiculous if I were actually upset, he just never got it.”
Above is common trait among people with antisocial personality disorder, which I always thought was odd about him and I didn’t know it was an aspd trait until I looked it up and thinking he had issues.
And finally here is the message I wrote to the lady in florida…
“hi *****. firstly, i am not even sure if you are the ***** ***** i am looking for. if you know someone by the name of ***** *****, then you are the one. this is an awkward situation for me, and i debated whether or not to contact you. but ultimately i feel like it is the right thing to do. i have been in a romantic relationship with *** since december. he has been living in my home since then as well (until today when i kicked him out for various lies i uncovered). he has been using my vehicle. he has mentioned a friend in florida who gave him a credit card to help start up his business (that being the ***** ***** i am meaning to contact). i didnt suspect anything shady about the situation or the friendship until today when i found a receipt for fast food in orlando, on valentines day of this year. i was out of town working at the time. i had no idea he went to florida with my vehicle. and i have no idea what the situation is between him and *****. but it looks suspicious and i felt you should know. also, the credit card with your name on it is being used by him for personal belongings such as a $100 watch and gas/food/smokes/alcohol/clothing so on and so forth. if you are not the person i am trying to contact, i apologize. if you are and i am out of line, i also apologize, but i felt this might be a negative situation and you might be the victim of betrayal, and if i were in your shoes i would want to know. i am trying to do the right thing. i hope i am.
And her response said things such as…
“*** use to live with me and I too kicked him out but for so unknown reason started talking to him again. I had no idea he was with anyone…but ***** is and always will be a habitual liar. On top of that hes a theif so, if I were you, go thru your jewerly.”
“Yes, he came to stay with me, again, he never mentioned any relationship. Actually, he wanted to come back to my house.”
“I canceled the card this week after 1400 worth of purchases. I dont care about the money, I do care about being lied to. Thank you for taking the time and effort to contact me.”
And then me and her spoke on the phone a great deal, and I just kept learning more and more creepy stuff. For example, when he was with her in florida, he dropped her kids off at school (in my car) and then returned to ****s home, walked in the door, and the first thing he said was “youd think those high school girls have ever seen a hard white cock before”. And of course I discovered that every single thing that boy tells anyone is a lie, and all he does is manipulate people to use them for his own personal gain or pleasure, and he has done this his whole adult life. He moves from woman to woman. He charms them, sneaks his way in with lies, and milks it until they catch on. As soon as he realizes they are catching on, he moves on to the next victim. The lady in florida said that, and another person who has known him for years but was romantically involved with him said all the same exact things about him.
And just some interesting observations…
He claimed he couldn’t even change his own bandages yet I find gore webpages in my browser history, and when the movie ‘a Serbian film’ was playing while he was in the room, he had no reaction to it at all.
He would never say “I love you”. He would say “love you”, but never in response to me saying it first, and only when he wanted something, even if it was just to fool me.
The few times he apologized, he had a smirk on his face, and he only apologized if he was at risk of losing something I was offering him but threatened to take away.
He was always the victim and never at fault. When he almost ran a woman over, he was the victim and she was dumb for not seeing him, even though there was a car in the way obstructing her view. He rolled down the window and yelled obscenities at her, because he was at risk of hitting her and possibly going to jail.
He boasted lies about how authority figures admired him. He claimed cops gave him breaks and everyone at the courthouse liked him.
He never thought anyone would be smart enough to figure out his lies, although all they had to do was read receipts or make some calls, and even when he was confronted and told he was positively caught in a lie, he would still deny it without hesitation.
He couldn’t comprehend contradicting feelings. If something made someone sad and relieved, or mad and entertained, he couldn’t understand how that could be possible. Also, he would become frustrated because he could not identify sarcasm or irony with asking first to clarify if that was the intent.
He took everything literally. Regardless of any tone of voice or mannerisms used, anything that anyone said was literal to him.
He had no emotional response to any sort of verbal abuse or accusations. Yet, he would become very sexually aroused following an argument in which the other person surrendered and apologized and admitted their faults.
He literally mocked me in everything I did. My jokes, mannerisms, sound effects, phrases commonly used… he stole them all when trying to get closer to me.
When I kicked him out of my home, he had no emotional response even though he knew I strongly disliked him. He tried to convince police that he was a resident so he could possibly stay here because he had nowhere else to stay. the idea of staying with someone who disliked him didn’t deter him at all.
Anytime I met his friends or family when I was with him, they acted awkward around me and could not look me in the eyes. They avoided communicating with me and acted ashamed.
When anybody explained to me his true nature, they asked that I not repeat it or delete any such related texts from my phone.
He would say “thank you” at inappropriate times. If I apologized to him, or catered to him, or offered him insight to myself, he would respond by thanking me.
He would brag about charitable and/or hospitable acts on his part and tell the story in a very superficial manner. He told of a couple of elderly women who needed a tire changed, and how he assisted him, and how it just makes his day and makes him so happy to do such a thing for a couple of old women. His words weren’t any more elaborate than that. Also, he explained how he made a catering delivery to a “colored” woman in a “colored” community and it felt good to do anything for the “colored”. Then he would be proud when he obtained “fat” customers because overweight people would, in his mind, eat more, therefor want more and pay him more money.
I found out later he has a son. He signed off all rights to the child and wants nothing to do with him and never speaks of him.
When someone annoyed him, he threw a bottle at the individuals face, and then accused them of being crazy when they reacted in anger. He would also accuse anyone who defied him or argued with him or called him out on his unacceptable behavior as “crazy”.
When he would confess to any past wrongdoings, he would add lies to the story to involve him breaking in to retrieve his own belongings, or stealing from family and not a complete stranger, all due to his past drug addiction, in order to somehow make his actions seem less cruel and cold.
So there you have it. needless to say, i have an appointment tomorrow to have a home security system set up, i have a hard time sleeping at night, and i am struggling to gain my own identity back after he tried to steal it to use against me. BUT in the long run, i am happy, and relieved, and proud to have been right and acted on my instinct. its creepy and demented and scary and I have no doubt this guy is starting to break down and will become violent and depraved and I am happy as hell I got away from him. Honestly, it doesn’t hurt my feelings, I’m not sad or regretful. He didn’t get much from me, he didn’t steal anything because I don’t have much that’s valuable and pawn-able, and im proud of myself for figuring it out so soon. And I can’t really feel anything over it because the person I thought he was was a lie intentionally designed to appeal to me so he could take advantage of me. He wasn’t even real. i can’t be attached to something that wasn’t there.
and i have learned to never doubt myself ever again. i have seen the damage it does when that doubt is used against me.
thank you to everyone who has shared their insight here. it is easy for this situation to make me ask myself what is wrong with me. but after reading other peoples thoughts and experiences, it made me realize there is nothing wrong with us. we are right, we are strong and self sufficient, while still being kind and having faith in humanity. these people who hurt us are parasites, and parasites naturally try to feed off of something who has much to offer. and obviously we are smart enough to recognize what these people are and eventually escape that. if we weren’t, we never would have followed the link to this site 🙂
Hi Jes 🙂
Wow, I thought my original post was long! LOL
Welcome & I hope you find support here among us as there is a lot of healing in ‘a problem shared etc…’
Just stay strong & continue to find ‘You’ again & put this behind you.
I found this on psychopathyfree & thought of you & it’s another great site along with psychopathyawareness etc…
A sociopath’s perfect target is idealistic, forgiving, generous, and romantic. Most targets are very selective about their partners, often feeling lonely & frustrated by the dating scene. So when the sociopath comes along to mirror all of their greatest fantasies, the target pours their entire heart & soul into the relationship. They’ll invest everything they can—emotionally, financially, and physically. They quickly feel comfortable opening up because the sociopath grooms them to believe they’ve found “the one”. This forms an immediate bond of trust and familiarity. So when the sociopath begins the devaluing process, the target will attempt to absorb all of the blame in relationship, in order to restore the perfect memory they have of the person who once claimed to be their soul mate. This is why psychopathy awareness is so important. Without the missing puzzle piece, it is only logical to assume that this “soul mate” existed at some point, and might return again with enough love & care. But once we understand psychopathy, we come to realize that this person never existed at all. It was a mirror image—a carbon copy—of everything we wanted in a partner. When sociopaths lose this element of surprise, their playground of victims diminishes significantly. Share this post to keep your friends & family PsychopathFree!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Lol yeah, my post was pretty long. Because honestly it was everything from the big deal situations to the little everyday things that paints a complete picture of what he is. It shows just how dedicated he is to his game, and how natural it is to him. Every second he spent with me he easily pretended to be someone else. To any of us, that would be a lot of work, but that’s how he functions every day of his life.
I watched a video last night that explained that codependent individuals are the perfect target for a sociopath, and that really hit home for me. I have always been fully aware, as is everyone who knows me well, that I am highly codependent. And I have been very frustrated with my dating life. And I make no secret of it. I throw it out there in the first place, because a sane person would probably be intimidated if their intentions were negative, realizing they wouldn’t get too far with me and would not even bother trying to get in my life. But his sense of confidence and invincibility just told him that he could use that to his advantage. And why not? He was damn good at mimicking me and telling bold face lies and he knew it.
It seems a contradiction that these people are so good at reading people, yet have no empathy. You would think those things go hand in hand. But I suppose that’s why they do come across as phony. My problem was that in the beginning when he did seem phony, I just assumed he was trying to impress me, win me over, and make me happy, all because he claimed I made him that happy. And he was trying to do those things, which normally would be flattering and fun. At the time it was. It’s pretty normal for a guy to try to impress a girl, and it’s going to be cheesy and over the top at times. It’s just a coincidence though, as the intensions are different when a sane person or a sociopath come across that way. And I have no doubt that he knew that and used it to his advantage.
I do open up to people very quickly, as I’ve never been in a situation where it was all taken in as tools to use against me, at least not in a way so undetected that I couldn’t see it coming and defend myself. I told him I just want a relationship where everything is fair. Where no one is taking advantage of me, and equal effort is provided from both ends in the relationship. He also knew I was fearful of being alone. I told him I’m an only child. My mother is my only living close relative. I’ve moved all over the country and have a job that requires a lot of travel, so making close friends is difficult for me. I’m 32 years old now and starting to fear I’m running out of time to find people to be close enough with to share my life with. With that knowledge, this is how he mirrored it and used it to his advantage. He had a saying he would always use. Anytime he did anything to help me out or did kind acts like cooking for me and my mother, I was overly thankful and expressed that to him. His phrase he would always use in those situations was “scratchy scratchy” meaning it’s all about give and take, scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. It was him mirroring my desire for equality in a relationship. But I did find it odd that he would use a phrase that’s usually used more for things and actions and not thoughts and feelings, and not for people who care about each other expressing their love and showing affection. Also it made me realize that he felt entitled to some favors from me, as if I owed him now that he did something for me. I started to realize that nothing he did was selfless and from the kindness of his heart. That was one of the first things I learned about him that made me uneasy, because I felt as though anything he did for me, he did only to put me in debt to him. As far as my fear of being alone, that was his means of control over me. If my impression of him began to go sour and I let him know, if I was upset at him or doubted him, he’d simply give me the cold shoulder. He would find an excuse to leave and would stay away for a long period of time and ignore my calls/texts. And he did this knowing I would grow annoyed of the conflict and just want to throw in the towel, and more importantly fear that I risked losing this guy he pretended to be over something that alone was trivial. And he knew I would apologize and ask him to return. Basically, I wanted the tension I felt but he didn’t feel to go away, and I asked him to put his costume back on and be that guy I wanted him to be again so I felt content again. And if I took the blame, then he always did just that. He also knew that I always felt guilty over my bad temper and tendency to become verbally abusive when I was upset. That proved to be very useful to him. By reacting the way I do and feeling guilt over it, it let him turn the tables in every conflict as I would completely lose sight of what it was that upset me in the first place. Looking back at it, every one of our arguments started because he was in the wrong, whether it was having drugs in my house or taking my car without permission. But conveniently for him, I’d always lose my cool and go off on him, he’d always call me out on it knowing I’d feel guilty and leave the situation apologizing, letting myself be the bad guy, and he would always end up being the victim in the end. Even though my whole issue in the first place was the fact that I was hurt and angry over him victimizing me.
Talking to the lady in Florida, I started to understand what his tactic with her was. It was completely different than his method on me. He very effectively hid his current drug addiction from me. But he always made her well aware of it. And I know why. She lost someone very close to her to a drug overdose, someone whose wellbeing she felt responsible for. So that right there gave him a perfect tool to use. Not only could he get sympathy for his addiction, but he could also blame all his stealing from her and lying to her on his evil horrible addiction. He knew she partly held herself responsible for the death of her loved one, and now she was in a situation where if she didn’t try to help him, she might fail once again from saving someone she cared about. It worked so well that when she discovered he stole over $5000 of her things and pawned it all, she cut ties with him and kicked him out. Not only did he manage to weasel his way back into her life merely a month the later, he even talked her into giving him a credit card to start up his business. Why? Same reasons he claimed he moved back here and lied about turning himself in for old warrants etc. He literally used his own negative nature to his advantage. Once discovered, he openly admitted to his past mistakes, and followed up by making himself out to be ashamed. But he would add, in a way he is happy he made those mistakes, as it all taught him important lessons and made him who he is today, that being a kind even tempered ambitious 33 year old man who loves his family and wants nothing more than to get on his feet and start his business back up. On the surface all those things are true. He is kind, because he learned it gains trust and makes people feel as though they owe him which can benefit him further. He is usually even tempered, he has almost no emotional response to anything that anyone says to him. I used to admire that trait of his. Now I see just how horrible it really is. And he is a family man, because he loves what they do for him. His mother gave up on disciplining him. It’s her son, she is trapped by feeling that he is her responsibility, especially considering her son has burned every bridge he ever had and has no one. She gives him $ and helps him out knowing he is spending it on drugs. She knows he steals her husband’s medication, and that this nice lady (me) is being 2 timed and stabbed in the back, she knew about the woman in Florida. But I think in her mind there is nothing she can do about any of it. In a way it angers me because she is probably the only person who could ever manage to get through to him, or maybe she isn’t, because even she gave up, and that turns my anger to sympathy for this poor woman. She has been cleaning up his messes his whole life and always being the one to deal with it. When I found out most his stuff was stolen and he wasn’t coming to get it from my home, the only thing I could do was drop it all off at her house. I hated involving her but I had no idea where his new victim lived and this where he was hiding. When he would disappear for hours and I went through the emotional roller coaster of not knowing whether he was dead in a ditch and seriously hurt, kidnapped or murdered, arrested, cheating on me, or stealing my car, and experiencing a mix of emotions from fear worry concern hurt betrayal suspicion confusion and anger all at the same time, she was the only one I knew to call in hopes she had heard from him or about him. I feel sorry for that woman. She is pretty much trapped into being his enabler.
I remember when he would truly listen to me and showed genuine interest in what I had to say. It was always when I would open up to him and talk about myself. My hopes, fears, insecurities, pride, etc. I would explain what’s tickles me and what ticks me off and why. I always found it odd that he would thank me for rambling on and on about myself, and even more odd that it would literally physically turn him on and he made no secret of that fact. Worth mentioning is that it was ONLY in such situations that he would want sex, especially if what triggered the conversation was an argument in which I took the blame and apologized to him and he just watched me cry in front of him. I didn’t make sense to me. He just wasn’t sexually turned on in the same ways most people are. During all the time we got along and were seemingly happy and drama free, he had no sex drive whatsoever. I began to wonder if there was some sort of medical explanation like erectile dysfunction. Yet when I first met him during the first few days he was constantly desiring me sexually. Now that I understand the situation it makes me sick to my stomach. In the beginning he was only trying to appear normal and as I would expect in the situation, and he thought that he was flattering and impressing me by having sex with me, which is honestly laughable because he was quite boring and obviously had no sense of passion whatsoever. Later he was literally getting off on gaining knowledge he could use to overpower me. Based on my past interests of serial killers and criminal psychology, that fact about him scares the daylights out of me. One day we were watching Dexter, and I started talking about how many serial killers literally got off sexually at the moment they took someone’s life, because the feeling of having so much power over someone that you could take their life from them excited the killer. How he reacted to that really shocked me. He didn’t want to hear it. He refused to believe it was true. He accused me of making it up. When I told him that yeah, it’s pretty weird demented and creepy, which is why in quit reading about such things in the past because it disturbed me, but I’m sharing it because you love this show so I thought you might find it interesting. Then his reason for annoyance at the subject changed from his refusal to believe it’s true to him just being disturbed by the knowledge so not wanting to hear about it.
One weird notable thing… one day in conversation I explained to him what Munchhausen’s syndrome is. Shortly thereafter is when he made jokes about poisoning my food, at the same time I was starting to feel ill and my ulcer was flaring up. At that time my dogs were getting sick and throwing up as well. Neither of the dogs have been sick since I kicked him out and I have been feeling much better as well.
Another thing I noticed… this woman he took advantage off only a couple months before he found me was much bossier than me. After talking to her as much as I did, it explained some of his habits when he was with me. If I needed help with something and demanded his assistance, without saying ‘please’ or being passive in any way, he would thank me and tell me it turned him on that I ordered him around and that he needed me to keep doing it. Talking to her, in could hear some of his mannerisms in was used to and his way of speaking. It was as if he was echoing some of the part he played for her to me. Maybe it just made it easier for him. He didn’t have to switch so much between the mask he wore for me and the one he wore for her if he could expect the same results and behaviors from both of us. Like hitting 2 birds with one stone. Less for him to have to keep track of, and less chances to slip up and cause suspicion. When in told her of other mannerisms and habits he had around me she never recalled him using them. For example, when we were together and someone took a photo of him he would always either stick out his tongue or flip the bird. I didn’t think anything of it until one day I’m going through old photos and in noticed that in photos of me through the years, and am often sticking out my tongue or flipping the bird. I am a playful person and have a couple of silly sound effects I’ll make in casual conversation. He immediately jumped all over that and used the same sound effects extensively and obsessively. It became our little language, our inside joke. And our little game was me making the sound, and he would repeat it. Anytime I’d make the sound he just couldn’t help but repeat it.
I found it annoying that the guy couldn’t sit still for more than a few minutes. He would last maybe 2 hours after waking up and he would start going crazy with boredom. He needed constant amusement, excitement, and sort of stimuli. I have ADHD and he was way worse than me when it came to restlessness and the need for constant stimulation.
Something else he did that was strange. We would become startled for no reason. We would be lying in bed and he would suddenly jolt or even sit straight up. I’d ask him what startled him and he said nothing, he just randomly did that sometimes.
He seemed proud of all his past injuries and survival stories. Some of these injuries he really did suffer, others he made up. The ones he did suffer, sometimes he told the truth about how it happened, and sometimes he made it up. He did break his hip jumping over a railing on his front porch at the time, but he told someone else he fell 2 stories back when he was a professional sponsored rock climber. He told me he was a sponsored rock climber as well. Come to find out it was a complete lie. But for some reason he would always tell people he met all about his injuries, as though this is something that he thought made him appealing to others. He also claimed he has seizures for no reason and they started when his back broke for no reason. He never broke his back. He doesn’t have seizures.
Something else I always found odd and quite honestly is pretty funny. He was so self-conscious of his balding that he ALWAYS wore a hat. He took it off right before turning on the shower and put it back on and soon as he turned the water off. He wore his hat to bed, and if it fell off he would wake up and put it back on. In his mug shots, he tilts his head up like he is trying to keep his bald spot out of sight.
One story I always share with people I am becoming close with is about a good friend of mine who died in a car wreck a few years ago. It was obviously a very emotional experience for me so naturally I share it with people who come into my life. After he learned of this, he proceeded to take me on trips with him to cemeteries to visit the graves of his dead friends. He claimed he often visited them yet when we would get there it took him forever to find their headstone. He took me to 2 different headstones. One guy he claimed was very close to him and his death was very hard on him. I found it odd the guy was almost twice his age. That makes sense now that I knew he is the father of one of friends and barely knew him. Also, the cemetery visits were awkward for me and it was sort of funny listening to him talk to his friend’s headstones, because he was so cheesy about it and it just sounded so scripted to me. We did 2 of these visits, but throughout our relationship he would always tell stories of all the friends he has had that have passed away. I am pretty confident it was all lies. Or people he barely knew that he claimed were good friends. I noticed quickly that he just moved back in town when I met him, and he only had one local friend, who come to find out he isn’t very close to. oh, and almost all these deaths he told of were drug related, which now reminds me of what tactic he used to gain the assistance of the lady in Florida. I guess since he learned from her that drugs addiction and its tragic effects trigger an emotional response in a lot of people. But I think he assumes that all these “objects” (us people) are all the same, which is ironic since people like him seem to be carbon copies of each other themselves. When he finds something that works on one person he uses it on everyone. He is wrong though. I don’t personally have any tragic occurrences in my life related to drugs. So instead I reacted in a way that he didn’t expect. My impression was one of wondering why he kept associating with people who were involved in activities that were obviously a danger to themselves and others. I immediately regretted responding to him with that reaction and would apologize for offending him by criticizing his dead friends, but he was obviously not offended in the least bit and never once defended him. Although he would say that’s why he hates drugs. In fact he always commented on how much he despises drugs whenever the subject came up or just even randomly at inappropriate types. At the time I thought it was he opening up to me. Now I realize it was him being defensive of an activity he was engaged in that he knew I looked down at, even though at the time I was unaware that he was high, even at the very same moments he was telling me how much he hates drugs.
All these things I just explained now make perfect sense to me. It was all just odd to me because I didn’t know how a sociopath would interact with me, and I just couldn’t relate to so many things about him.
Here is what worries me. I have sympathy, empathy, compassion for others. Also, it is so hard to comprehend and accept that someone else doesn’t. Most of us don’t WANT it to be true that this person actually exists due to the unpleasant nature of it alone. He was also so good and coming up with reasonable explanations for everything. Only thing concerning that that tipped me off was EVERY situation that initially looked bad HAD to be provided with some sort of reasonable explanation in his defense. But before that list got too long that in could no longer deny that it was all as bad as it first looked, all those things in combination with how convincing he was, it’s no wonder to me that a woman he robbed took him back and gave him her credit card. Had I never been in this situation to experience it myself first hand, I would think she was downright ignorant pathetic crazy and stupid. Unless I knew her better, then I would be baffled and think she must have hit her head and suffered brain damage. Because this woman is an independent strong willed successful bold career woman. And I’m not much different from that myself. But with that being said, we both have a lot to offer, and being human we both have weaknesses and soft spots. Also, being very bold brutally honest confident and upfront, we don’t hesitate to show exactly who we are and what we are about. And that’s how and why he gets the necessary knowledge to weasel his way in. It’s easy for me now to say I’d never consider having anything to do with this guy ever again. Dealing with low lives in my past who were not sociopaths, when there is a falling out they are usually hurt and disappointed too, they are angry as well, and because of their emotional response we both let it go and have no desire to out up with each other again. But sociopaths just don’t care. I know I could text him right now and claim I am sorry for being wrong about him and ask if I could take him out to dinner and he would go along with it. I know if I wanted that illusion of him that I loved back he would give it back if he had anything to gain from it. And the fact that I always give the benefit of the doubt scares me and honestly hurts my pride. I felt for the woman in Florida when she kept talking about how there must be something wrong with her. She knew better and fell for it again anyways. Maybe that’s why I’m here writing yet another ridiculously long post and reading the other ones. So I can see that who this guy is is a carbon copy of who many others have dealt with, and that I was right to trust my instincts because all of these carbon copies who got more time with their victims always caused yet more dangerous and/or irreversible damage. This site gives me undeniable proof of what he really is. I NEED to know that and remember it, because right now it is so easy for me to want nothing to do with him and see him for what he is. It’s so clear and fresh in my mind. I feel proud and accomplished in ridding my life of him. Actually, I have been in a great mood ever since the moment he walked out my door. When I think about the lies and the cheating right now, it doesn’t hurt or anger me. In fact it’s funny to me and fascinating that someone could be so out of touch. But I’m afraid down the road when the shock wears off it’ll hit me hard. And I’m also even more afraid that that he will come back around and somehow manage to weasel his way back in just enough to cause just a little more damage. Sad part is that I know how he will do it. He knows that I feel I’m too paranoid about guys being a danger to me and taking advantage of me, and he knows that I fear I apply that to any guy I get close to now. He is going to throw that out there and just wait for me to tell myself that’s exactly what I did to him. I’ve already been warned by his past victims that he will contact me again. And they all said the same thing. I will get a text in about 6 weeks. And I’ve seen myself just how punctual, habitual, constant, predictable, unchanging, and unoriginal these parasites are and how unaffected they are by past conflicts.
This last guy isn’t the first of his type I’ve wasted my time on, but he is by far the most extreme. It is odd I would say that considering he never physically assaulted me whereas one in my past has, but something about this last guy scares me so much more. I think it’s that he is so much more deliberate and organized in what he does. My past situation was involving a guy who I don’t even think realized what was happening to him at the time. But this last guy seemed to be perfectly aware of who he was and what he did, and furthermore he seemed to like it. Some of the rest were just irresponsible lazy leaches who took advantage of me but obviously had a sense of empathy, but a few others I am certain were full blown sociopaths as well after learning what I did from my last situation. They were just less inexperienced, we were younger and I was more naive and they haven’t figured out yet just what all they can gain from taking advantage of others and get away with it. I have learned that’s the key right there. I think the only difference between a sociopath who steals from their significant other and cheats on them without feeling bad about it, and a sociopath serial killer who enjoys killing people, is the fact that their circumstances haven’t led them that far yet. They haven’t yet had to go that far in able to get what they want. So they haven’t done it once just to learn that it’s easy to them and they can get away with it. Mostly because it’ll never show to anyone else who sees them that something is wrong, because in the sociopaths mind nothing about it is wrong. Doesn’t faze them. I mean stop and think about the word “serial”. To do something in a series. All of these people are “serial” something or another. It’s their nature. I think it’s rare that most sociopaths would ever kill, but only because they won’t ever be in a situation where they feel the need to. BUT I do think that if they were ever in a situation where they realized they could get away with it and much was to be gained from it, that every single one of them would take advantage of the situation and they would take a life.
But you know what scares me just as much if not more? This concern of mine makes me think of the Nietzsche quote “he who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster”. Like I said, I have dealt with people like this since my ex-husband abused me in these ways and physically 14 years ago. I remember one time we were at odds and although living together had separate bedrooms. I lockedmy bedroom door every night. He came crashing through it anyways with a rifle in his hand. He stood there as I lay in bed shouting insults and threats. He first pointed the gun at his own head, then at me. His head, then me again. And he got suddenly quiet and got that blank eyed stare going. Up to this point I was terrified and obviously it showed. I was screaming and yelling and crying, going back and forth from begging him to out the gun away, to demanding him, to apologizing for whatever I could think of, I was scared and sad and mad and feared for my life and automatically trying every approach I could to get him to out the gun away. Then I just suddenly snapped. It’s one of the scariest things that ever happened to me. How I suddenly felt that moment scares the crap out of me. I suddenly calmed down. I was perfectly content and at ease. I couldn’t help but smile and I looked at him with the gun now back at his own head and I asked him to please pull the trigger because I wanted to watch his brains scatter on the wall behind him. And I have to admit that I meant it. At that moment I really did want it. Thankfully it didn’t happen! I felt disappointed when his jaw just dropped and he sat there stunned until he stood up and quietly walked out of the room. And then I just went back to sleep. I didn’t care. No emotional response in me at all. Fell asleep immediately and remember thinking to myself FINALLY now I can go to bed. Ever since then I explain to people close to me who I share these stories with that I must have something in me that way back then I jokingly referred to as my “sociopath button”. Granted that’s my most extreme example, but after dealing with many people like this over the years I can remember many times where I was pushed to the point that it pressed that “sociopath button” and I just didn’t care anymore. They could no longer get any emotional response out of me, nor could the situation, and I felt no hesitation when laughing at them or verbally abusing them, nor did I feel one shred of guilt for it. I felt justified in it, in fact I felt like it wasn’t enough. I felt entitled to being granted power over them in exchange for them overpowering me for so long. And I did it for my own personal gain, to completely discourage them so they would give up and go away and in could escape them and have some peace and stability. Which I of course I had every right to, but the fact that I didn’t care what it cost to achieve it and knew it’s never regret doing what I had to do to gain it scares me, along with the fact that when I got to that point I felt so confident and invincible. When I look back at it later, I feel like I became them to beat them and maybe it was necessary. Yet I can remember after reaching that point as they are trying to rile me up and yelling and screaming insulting me and threatening me, the types of thoughts running through my head were ‘hurry up and be done because I’m hungry and want to make something to eat” or “I wish they would stand somewhere else because I really have to pee and they are standing in my way”, or I would suddenly remember I forgot to check the mail or put the clothes in the dryer. It makes me sick to think I sink to their low, and it makes me fear that maybe one of these times I will stay in that mode even after whatever conflict that triggered it in me is over. The last thing I want is to become my own worst enemy. Literally turn into what I personally find to be the worst and most useless ugliest things to exist in our world. And that right there is probably going to become my number one motivation to never let myself get in a situation like this again. Of all the valuable things people like that can take from me, the most valuable things they try to steal are my identity, and more importantly my humanity and sanity.
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Oh wow, ok, yet another long post. SORRY. Apparently I want to write a book about it all lol.
My Spath sent me a message asking if I can help him with money. I haven’t responded. These people are unbelievable. After what he did to me, I hardly talk to him cause he treats me with disgust and disrespect and he wants ME to give him money. These people have no shame. He already owes me over $8,000 why would I be stupid enough to give him more? Espdcially when we are not in a relationship or even a friendship. What a loser.
Hi Ex D 😃
Remember NC it drives them crazy.
He wants to use you further & you are much wiser than that. Dont respond, any form of responce is part of his game so, do not engage. Ignore, ignore, ignore. They have no shame & yes, i believe it!
Stay strong & game over for you & him.
Your too good for him, believe that 😃
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
Tell him to try holding down a job. Bet that one never occurred to him.
Worse is when they don’t even want your money, they just don’t want you to have it. My ex tried so hard to get me to sell some property at the bottom of the market. After the mortgage was paid off, there would have been nearly nothing left. It made no sense. The sensible thing was to hang on till the economy improved, which created a major fight, but I stuck to my guns. I’m so glad I did. My cash is gone, but the market is up and I still have my property.
This is about control Jill. If they make sure that you don’t have any money you are made more vulnerable and weak, they therefore have further control over you. Especially if they offer to ‘help you’ to get back on your feet (likely they won’t). Sociopaths are jealous bitter people and cant stand to see anyone doing better than themselves… they love to take, and if they don’t do it directly – they try to ensure that you have loss… so that you feel as worthless as they are 😦
The fool framed me. He claimed that I contacted his new girlfriend’s bestfriend…by the way,I never had a clue on who the bestfriend was until I saw the screenshot conversation that “I” had with her on Facebook. I felt utterly frustrated that I was being framed and embarrassed to by the thought of anyone who knew me believing the lie. After I tried so hard to never contact him after how he hurt me, I had to deal with that nonsense. I will never forget how I felt. As if how he hurt me wasn’t bad enough, the framing added to the pain and hurt I felt. At first I felt so confused about who would do that to me… I suspected friends, his girlfriend and not once i thought it could have been him. I refused to believe he was such a low life. But the opinion of everyone who heard the entire story, directs to him as being the one who framed me to make himself seem like he’s being chased after by me. i hate this so much. Worst of all, the girlfriend and I attend the same school so I hope almost everyday that i don’t see her. I’m humiliated. I wanted to talk to her and tell her I’m innocent in the matter but then again, the framer could very well be her… and if not, she won’t choose to believe me over her bf anyway. I want to move on with someone new. But I know i’m not ready and i don’t want to use anyone. I pray so much to escape this confusion. I found new interests to obsess over to take my mind off them. But those only help for a short while.
I really feel for you.Cherry, I assume because you’re in school that you’re an older teenager or young adult. That can be a tough age and arena under any circumstances, worse when you’re being targeted by an S. And smear can be very tough to clean up, sometimes.
I was older, and isolated by mine. That was tough, the lack daily support kept me with him longer than I should have stayed. But gladly I was out of school.
One thing I’m sure most people can confirm, the world looks completely different once you get past school. You’d be surprised how many things that were so important in school, become completely irrelevant once you’re past that.
You learned a tough lesson early. Too bad you had to learn it at all.. The upside is that you didn’t start a family, or put your house in his name, he didn’t screw up your career, and now you know what one an SP looks like, so hopefully you’ll never be involved with one again.
They say the best revenge is living well, I prefer the best revenge is being happy, either way, maybe consider obsessions that help you live well or be happy or both. Hang in there, there is much to look forward to.
Thoughts on Warning the next Victim
I was warned, and sure enough he convinced me she was a nut and I should ignore it, and I did. The warning was via facebook and a bit detailed. It wasn’t about their relationship as much as about what I might expect from him, down the road, when he flips. What she’d described was so removed from anything I’d seen,I believed she must be a bit wacky and I put it aside and forgot about it.
Well we did later marry. The ink was barely dry on the license when he first began to be mildly abusive. At first I blamed myself, he’d been so wonderful, and I’d had some previous relationship failures. I doubled my efforts to please and became more self critical. Over time it just got worse.
At some point I remembered that she’d written, she had specifically used the word flipped and I was finally confiding to a girlfriend (I had to tell someone, the situation was eating me alive) and used that same word. Somehow it reminded me.
I went back and re read her warning. It helped so much! I dated a two timer years ago briefly and others knew what he was up to, and no one warned me because they didn’t want to get involved. I felt betrayed by all who knew, like they were watching me walk in front of a moving train.
In this case, her warning saved me years of agony. Indeed, the behaviors she mentioned were exactly what I was experiencing. She suggested he might have BPD. I looked into it and he was a near perfect match. No more hours wasted crying alone in the upstairs bedroom and blaming myself, it was so liberating to have some answers. I filed for divorce.
I’m not quite free of him yet, the divorce isn’t final and he finds reasons from time to time to contact me and continues to be cruel. But it’s like it can’t touch me now that I understand. Yes, I have trouble trusting, yes I feel lonely from time to time, and I do feel some shame at how I was taken in. But the last time I cried was months ago when my first granddaughter said for the first time, “I love you grandma”, a wonderful, healthy, reason for a brief cry.
I didn’t know his ex. But I have recently written to thank her. It took a lot of bravery for her to warn me. He’s already pursued one target since, she didn’t fall for it. I don’t know what I’ll do if I become aware that he gets serious with someone. Due to where we live, odds are that I’ll find out. Perhaps I’ll warn her anonymously.
My ex’s, ex lives very far away now, so there was minimal physical risk to her. I’m in closer proximity and I don’t know for sure how screwed up he is. I’m a bit torn between self protection and paying it forward. Perhaps some kind of anonymous warning?
Broke my Ankle & Tibula (sp?) or inner leg bone lifting a car out of the snow that had an old couple stranded during a snow storm. I went in for surgery last Tuesday. My parents are aging and a bit helpless themselves and I basically didn’t want to trouble anyone of my friends for a ride home because they are all married and have families to take care of. A flaw of mine is that I have a hard time asking people for help, so I try to figure things out on my own. ITs usually a strength but sometimes can bite back. Either way, I had a cab lined up to take me home.
While waiting in the recovery room in a drug induced-post surgery fog, out of the blue, I get a call from my ex-soc. Somehow she had heard about the about my injury (we both live in a small town in the same neighborhood and work in the same school district, so news travels quickly) and just wanted to know how I’m doing. The irony of her calling me exactly when I got out of surgery went over my head. She asked me if I needed a ride home because she was in the same neighborhood as the hospital. The irony of her being in that neighborhood right when I got out of surgery never occurred to me. IN my drugged state I agreed that a lift home would be nice and thought to myself, “what is the harm. She’s only trying to help, and she can be helpful as long as she is volunteering it.”
On our way home she asked me if I needed to stop and get some groceries. I told I did need some beer and smokes, so it would be great if we stopped. I gave her a 50 dollar bill cuz thats all I had. She went into the store and jumped back in the car and cheerfully announced, “I got you your beer & smokes, I also bought myself a 6 pack and 2 packs cuz I needed them for my son (who is 23 baby that lives off society and is also a sociopath whom I despise). There was only $10 left and I’m keeping that for gas.” So, that ride, which would have been a 14 dollar cab fare, cost me $35 for her to do it. Suddenly I felt that same old knot in my gut appear that I used to get when we were dating. We got back to the house, and she proceed to drink half my beer (cuz she wanted to save “her beer for junior”, told me she was PMSing and had food cravings and proceeded to eat 2 tins of nuts and a bag of chips (the only munchies I had in the house). Even in my drug induced, half-helpless state I could see what was unfolding, so I politely asked her to leave, telling her I was “understandably a little tired.” She said, “Yeah, tired, helpless, and a little pathetic.” I confronted her and asked her what the hell was wrong with her and was shocked and hurt she couldn’t turn off her weirdness even enough to be nice to a guy after surgery. She got rage tears, and atleast finally had enough courage to admit to me that she has always known she was different from other people and that she didn’t have empathy or the ability to love anyone. I told her that it was mature of her to admit that and all the sudden the tears and emotions disappeared and she proceeded to show me a picture of her out at a bar with 3 guys half her age with their arms around her. I “crutched” outside and called her mother and told her what was going on and to please call her daughter NOW. After talking to her mother she hung up the phone and calmly said to me, a former Navy Diver and all-american athlete, “you’re a pathetic cunt for calling my mother. Now I remember what a drag it was to date you.” And she left. Gosh what a fun night. It took me a week to feel normal again. Evil. Simply evil.
@ Broken
Yes . Evil these people are . Pure and unfixable evil .
Cheers
Nick
Awww Broken,
Sorry to hear you hurt yourself but, not surprised you were helping others 🙂
It’s hard asking for help & yet another sign of why all of us here have been hurt.
We are the givers & these Soc’s just keep taking us down but, not for long as we have something far greater on our side 🙂
Resilience to ‘get up’ & battle on 🙂
I’ll be damned if this experience is going to keep pulling me down & I constantly defy the ‘evil’ that pervaded my life & others.
You are not alone & your injury can also be seen as a ‘sign’ that you give yourself to others at the risk of yourself.
Her words were targeted to hurt you but, they say more about her than you. She felt threatened & took you down as only a Soc will do, she projected herself & literally described herself as a Pathetic C….
Stay in your power & good on you for calling her out & once again her true colours came out which further validates what a ‘lowlife’ she is.
No offence but, she drinks beer eeew LOL 😉
Just get healthy & stay positive as it’s hard when you feel vulnerable especially when injured 😦
We are here & will support you so, stay strong & heal 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR. The strangest thing has occurred within me. Actually I think it has been incubating for awhile now and has finally taken form and left me with a sense of peace and resolve. Having dealt with this person (the Spath) for so long has forced me to reflect very strongly on who I am a person. It has pointed with stark precision to my own value system. I would not recommend or wish falling in love with a spath to anyone as a means to arrive at where I am now. But in the spirit of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” I must admit, that I have arrived at very serene place of resolve and power through awareness.
My spath can see this in me and is unnerved by it. All she says is “you are a very smart man and it makes me uncomfortable sometimes.” The reality is that I feel sorry for her. I can honestly tell that she really doesn’t “plan” or “calculate” things in a normal sense. If I wanted to truly fuck someone over emotionally or otherwise I would plan it out. I’ve never done that because it isn’t the way I think, but spaths don’t really do that either in the normal sense. Her world is one of uncontrolled impulses and spontaneous opportunism. If an opportunity presents itself to her in which she can exert power over someone (because she is utterly powerless in her own life) she will do it. The kicker is she doesn’t even really know why she is doing it or the implications of her actions. She is just “doing it.” I think on a micro “second to second” level she is aware of what she is doing. But that awareness is over-cloused with her impulsivity and in the end, she cannot reflect and doesn’t even really know the damage she has done. She just does it. Very dangerous person to be around if you aren’t prepared.
Lately she reports that “she is really fucked up, knows that she can’t hide the fact that she was born without empathy or the ability to love, but doesn’t understand why she can’t just be “A GREAT PERSON WHEN SHE WANTS.” She reported that her PMS keeps happening all the time. I accompanied her to a doctor who ran a battery of tests and agreed that yes, she Is pre-menopausal. So she is now getting the medication to deal with THAT issue. I explained to her, in kind language that the reason she is “so sad and unable to be a GREAT PERSON WHEN SHE WANTS TO is because the level of hormonal imbalance in her makes her emotionally uncomfortable to the point to which she is no longer able to ‘keep the mask on or the front up.'”
I feel good that I helped her figure out her menopause thing. She is starting to age, and I do believe feels helpless now. I mean, to a normal person, her life would seem pretty easy. Her biggest “trauma” right now is having to move out of her mother’s house (her mom wants to sell it and basically get rid of her and loser son who is also a spath). Her mother is a millionaire and is going to buy her a house of her own. Again, I would be rejoicing if I was a rich kid and my parents were buying me my own house. But, she is worried because she makes very little money and is not sure how she can pay all the bills. So, I talked her and mother into buying a duplex (double family home). The rent she collects can pay her bills. TO her that made sense and makes her “happy.”
She announced that when she gets her new home her 23 yr. old loser son can’t live there. I asked her why because it seems like she was more than willing to let him move in with her at her mother’s home. SHe replied, “cuz he’s a fucking free-loader mooch, alls he cares about is himself.” Isn’t that kind of sad and funny at the same time in a kind of ironic way?
PS. @Nick..Thanks for the kind words
Hi Broken 🙂
Good on you for getting to ‘resolve & peace’, that’s a huge effort 🙂
I feel the same & am mindful of my journey & why I found myself in this predicament. It was a hard lesson but, I have learnt a great deal about human nature & my role in it.
I too feel pity for my Soc as I view him through different eyes now & I see a very short person in stature & in himself. A lot of short comings that he is trying to project away from himself. All his insecurities & inability to love etc…really sad creatures.
My Soc said he would be ‘too demanding’ on me if we spent more time together & he always said, ‘I deserved better than him’.
I usually replied, ‘Don’t be silly etc…’ but, a few times I said, ‘Yes I do!’.
He would then get upset & say ‘well if you feel like that then why stay with me?’ I would then placate him & turn it back that he was the one who said I deserved better etc…& he would act all wounded. (silly man).
That old ‘push & pull’ tactic that can backfire if you don’t say what they want to hear or expect!
If your Soc is going through ‘Menopause’ ( great word 😉 then I suggest you take your leave & completely ‘free yourself’ as she will get worse with age & more dependent on You!
They get ‘addicted’ to us as we do to them so, she needs you to ‘fix’ her & help her as I had to do with my Soc. They really are quite incapable of being alone especially when they age or get ill as we all ‘fear’ being alone, they ‘fear’ it all the time.
Her son sounds like the Soc of my Soc & I wonder what will happen to them when the ‘Boss Soc’, no longer controls & manipulates them? My Soc pays his sons wages & rewards him with trips abroad etc…My Soc cannot go anywhere without an entourage of followers & enablers so, recruits his children when he can. He would then lie to me that he was away alone on business but, time has proved different & the truth was discovered by me.
Just stay strong & keep resilient but, please try & clear your life of this evil as, they will feed on you like alcoholics until the booze runs out & then the mask is off yet again.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR. The mask was on again. She pops over acting all sexy (which she most definitely can be) and “kittenish.” It was a beautiful day..hitting 60 degrees in March on the upper East coast! She announces, “The sun is out and I’m in a really good mood.” I politely sat there for a few minutes and let her talk about her self and her life. Of course she never asked me how I was doing or how my injury was coming along. She said, “Hey I have a great idea…wanna go to Pennsylvania and get some cigarettes’ (the are much cheaper there). I made the mistake of buying her a carton once, which she immediately divided up with her Spath son. I didn’t know I was responsible for her loser son’s smoking habit! Either way, I said I’m all set for smokes but thanks for “thinking of me.”
She didn’t miss a beat & said ,”Its so nice out lets do something fun and go to your favorite restaurant where they have that clam special you love so much. I won’t eat much.” I politely remarked, “wow what a nice gesture! You’re taking me out for dinner?” At which point she reminded me of how “poor she is” (again, her mother is a millionaire and she pays for nothing in her life). I politely told her that spending $50 on dinner wasn’t really in my budget right now.” She responded with, “I was just trying to help you out and get you out of the house. This is why we didn’t workout…you never want to do anything. You want to sit around and feel sorry for yourself while my son (the spath) goes off to work everyday. (He’s been employed for 3 weeks..which makes it 3 weeks out of the whole year). HE makes a fraction of what you make and its not his fault he doesn’t have money for smokes.” Again, I politely said, “well…thanks again for thinking of me. Have a good night.” She replied, “I just want to help you. You’re a loser.” I told her that it may be best if she stops “popping in” the way she does, because it just seems to leave her frustrated, and me a little annoyed. SHe replied, “You’re a fucking dud and aren’t even really a good fuck. You just look good but are starting to get old.”
She’s such a charmer when she doesn’t get her way
@nick. I feel like a yoyo sometimes. I’ll be doing fine. Even thought I felt a glimpse of peace an happiness the other day. Then it comes. The memories. Tonight I’m thinking about how much of myself I gave away to him. How I really believed it all. How I’ve never been as close to someone as I allowed myself to be w him. An for what? For him to disappear nearly 8 months ago wo a word. It makes me feel forgotten. Belittled like I’m nobody. Etc. only difference between 8 months ago and now is my emotions are dead. I don’t cry and hurt so bad. I just exist. I can think about all these things and let my analytical brain ponder over them and just feel a little sad over it. I do sometimes think I will never have feelings for anyone again. I honestly feel so cold and empty inside. Heck! Makes me sound like a converted soc! Anyway right now I focus on my granddaughter house dogs and job. I don’t really try to meet new people but I stay busy in spurts.
@Judahbug
Yes , how I believed it all? Its a question I ask myself every day . I have no answer to be honest . None of us are stupid . Probably a bit trusting
😒
Awww J’bug 😦
Do I have to come over to the other side of the world to make you see what a truly wonderful person you are 🙂
You are not dead, just in ‘protection mode’, the brain does that to stop you escalating your stress levels which will hurt you physically & mentally.
The brain has a miraculous way of helping us cope although, it switches off everything until we are ready to start ‘switching’ ourselves on & stop being afraid to let ‘feelings’ good & bad back in.
You are still traumatised & hurt & you loved this person who treated you disrespectfully & that is never fair.
Love is blind & love believes lies as it’s an emotion that has no boundaries. If given to an abuser it along with vulnerability & trust then, we are in big trouble. That is the truth of all of us.
We wore our hearts on our sleeves & loved someone incapable of recognising the greatest gift a person can give another.
You will love again but, you will never be the same as we have all changed & ‘fear’ has crept in once again.
Once you let fear of loving & enjoying life take root, it’s hard to ‘dig it out’ but, you will.
It just takes a mammoth effort & time but, we are digging with you 😉
Digging out, not in 🙂
There are diamonds in the rough remember 🙂 & loads of shitty rocks!
Search for the diamonds 🙂
You are never alone & you are loved by us BFF 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@Judahbug
I ve had more of a chance to read your post now , it seems to be the way the yo yo . When I m in work around some decent people I m almost ok ( numb but ok ) Memories of the sp. I try & put in the ” fiction ” section of my brain . We will never know who they are because they are just acting a part constantly like Pos says .
You are alive ( many aren t who have run into a seriously unhinged one ) , you are not in gaol / jail or have a criminal record because of your spath .
I hope you haven t been financially wiped out & been left in debt because of it . Stay as busy as possible , I really really feel for you being cold & empty inside , I am forgetting peoples names ( I have no idea why , maybe its just shock or something ) any thought of me being with another woman doesn t even enter my head . Maybe one day it will , who knows ?
Keep on focusing on your lovely Grandaughter , dog ,house & job .
I am sure that everyone on this site would love a magic wand to make things right for you . Guaranteed there are a pile of people , me included rooting for you
😇😇😇😇😇😇😇
Regards
Nick
today i feel so broken, this story is continuing for me because i keep listening to the lies and deceit hoping that this time it will be different. I still feel so much love for the man i fell in love with, even though i know he no longer exists or in fact that he never really existed at all. i have tried the no contact, but his persistence is so strong and i am so very very weak where he is concerned. My friends, colleagues, family have all said the same things to me, he is not worth it, he is never gonna change, he does not deserve me and so forth. i lay in bed for most of today crying, feeling like i want to take my own life rather than live without him. I block him on my phone but unblock him the minute he texts me that he loves me. Then i ask him when he will leave his wife to make me happy and he says “when i have sorted out my issues of my son” and then i block him again. Or he will go quiet for hours and i will block and unblock him a few times. i am slaved to my phone, checking if he is online, checking if he has sent me a message. i do want the pain to stop! i really do. i just dont seem to have the strength to do it.
This is really tough one still, as they are almost two people. You can hate the one who lies, ruins, destroys, but you still have love for the one who was caring, kind and compassionate.
You say that you want to take your own life. He is not worth this…you know this. He is not worth your son either. Your son will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life, despite the fights….this man is not worth this.
This is addiction. He has created the addiction. You have to let go so that you can see the truth, not only see the truth but feel it too. Try not to see the rest of your life, as this will be too difficult. Instead, take it one day at a time. Just one day. When you do this it will be easier to manage. If one day feels too difficult, then manage one hour at a time. Just do not contact him for now. This will help you to stay with the present. Right now.This is all that you have control over. Right now.
wow, thesse stories sound so much like the year long ordeal I recently came out of. here is my story-
I had met my sociopath ex Mike on a Spiritual Group on Facebook. I wrote on the wall of the homepage and told the admin I w as enjoying reading about her insights/peotry. Mike writes to me and I write back to him. We continued our conversation in a private Inbox message. We discuss our world views and whatnot..but then, he begins to get deeper with it. I tell him about the things Iv’e been through as a kid into my teen years, and he responds with a NEALY INDENTICAL life story. over the next several days we chat on facebook at least 9 hours a day in total. Everytime I went for a break Mike would insist I hurry back. He would even get worried If I had been gone from the computer for over 20 minutes. I have to admit, at first it was very flattering..but then it became a bit agitating. After 4 days of talking, Mike confessed his “Love” for me. He asked for my phone number and asked if we could Skype.Needless to say, our relationship deepened and he would call compulsively-even when I told him not to call because I was busy or in my college class. He would even make Videos of himself shirtless and talking to me. Back then, I was much more naive and impressionable, and I had found him very attractive. after 3 weeks of constant talking, he insisted we finally meet in person. However, I was not comfortable with this at all. I lived in Washington D.C, and he lived in Eastern Florida. I heard him on the phone convincing his mom to let him go to live with me, and I noticed he spoke quite harshly towards her, he yelled and her and swore at her as well. I told him I didn’t want him to talk to me that way and he said “Don’t worry, Honey-I would NEVER speak to you that way. I love you too Much.” (If only I had trusted my gut).My parents had no idea he was coming and I was too scared to tell them. He bought an Amtrack Train ticket that week, and I tried to convince him to postpone our meeting at least for another month or 2. He got angry with me for the first time and began to write another girls on facebook in my area asking if they lived in washington D.C so he could stay with them because I had “Jilted him”. After seeing him belittle me on my facebook wall, I felt upset and gave in. It was decided-he was coming on December the 20th-which was only 2 weeks away. Despite my persistent fear, I went along with everything. He seemed to be very agressive, but he said that once we met in person, we would be ok. I relaxed after he said that and hoped for the best. We finally met at Union Station in D.C. and hit it off even better than we thought we would. He said I “looked even more beautiful in person” and his convincing charm and sense of humor won me over. He had dinner at a Pizzera and spent the night in a Hyatt Inn in the city. He was quite seductive with me but I refused to have sex with him on the first day we met. He said that was ok and there was no rush. he even gave me a message and I felt safe with him. However, things began to change the next day onward-my parents had no idea who he was and while my mom (who is divorced from my dad) was cool with him at first, my dad wanted to call the police (my dad is the overprotective type). .However, we had dinner at Olive garden the following night, and he used his Superficial charm to win my parents over as well. He seemed like the perfect guy for me, and he proposed to me that same night (strange I know). However, I began to see a much darker side of himk on Christmas Eve, when my cousins came to visit us. My mom’s brother has a son named Mannie who is close to my age (I recntly turned 23, but I was almost 22 at the time). Mannie and I hadnt seen each other since the Summer and we were catching up on our lives as He went to college in Tennessee. Mike sat on the bed next to me and began to scowl and his face turned red. He left the room and walking down to the gas station to buy some cigarettes. when he returned he banged loudly on the door and said “Open this goddamn door!” Mannie got uncomfortable and Mike demanded to talk with me alone. I was confused and puzzled, and Mike said “Why are you talking to your cousin and ignoring me?! I am the only male you should be talking to. You think your’e some kind of Princess or something?” It hurt really bad, and all I could do was cry. he then did a complete 180 and began to beg for forgiveness and kiss me. Over the next couple weeks however, he began to have more and more outbursts-not just towards me..but to my family members as well. my parents began to dislike him and told me that he needed to leave. He would eavesdrop on our conversations and then told me “your parents are just jealous of what we have, your mom and dad are divorced, so fuck them.” I didn’t like what he was saying, and I told him to stop talking about them that way. When my parents would yell at him I would take up for him, but Instead of thanking me-he would belittle me and call me “Pathetic”. I finally stood my ground one night when he went off on me because I was taking down the christmas decorations in the living room and he cursed at me for wasking him up. he told me to “GET MY ASS UPSTAIRS TO MY ROOM” and I told him he had no right to tell me what to do in my own house. eventually, my mom said he stole $200 out of her purse and he was sent back to Florida. He vowed to return later that year with Money and his mom would let him drive her old car up to see me, instead of taking the train this time, and I wanted him to come back to live with me at the time at least. I still wasn’t seeing the Toxic damamge he was doing to both me and my family. He got a job at Mcdonalds and was working the morning shift, however, we began to fight on the phone because I was ienrolled in new college classes and he felt I should quit to make more time to talk with him (ridiculous, but true). We shared a Yahoo Account, and one morning to my dismay, I got an email from a guy named Dan saying “hey it was good seeing you last night bro, the sex was amazing” I couldnt believe what I had just read, It felt surreal. I confronted him that afternoon and he revealed to me for the first time that he was Bisexual. while I have nothing against sexual orientation of anyone, I was disgusted that he had cheated on me yet would hack into my account to make sure I wasnt talking to any other guys. I broke up with him right then and there, but he cyber harrassed me and even called my mom. He threatened to hurt me and my family if I didnt get back with him.. I relunctantly got back with him only for my family’s sake. I has no desire no be with him any longer at that point, but I knew he had a violent past (he told me his ex girlfriend accussedh im of raping her and threatened to choke her ito death if she kept telling people.he said , that she was crazy but that he did threaten to kill her “because she was ruining his name”. -but now that I think about it, she may have been telling the truth, even though Ive never spoken to her. We reunited in person that November, but the Affection between us had long died down. He had become more temperamental over the year and one night while we were in a hotel he began to yell and curse at me because he wanted to smoke pot in the hotel we were in and I told him that was against the rules and we would both be arrested (I don’t smoke/do drugs or drink, by the way). I’m a very assertive person, but whenever I stood up to him he would manipullate, make threats, yell, curse, and if I tried to get help from my mom or dad he would play the victim to gain sympathy and make me look like I was exagerrating. He finally went back home for good 2 weeks after our reuinon when my 11 year old younger sister playfully cracked an egg on his head and he yelled at her “I’LL SKIN YOUR SCRAWNY ASS, YOUR UGLY LITTLE IGNORANT BITCH!” That was it, Even though my sister shouldnt have done that, I hasnt going to have him doing that. It was bad enough he threatened me, but my siblings- JUST NO. He went home later that day, and called me one last time because he crossed into Virginia and said”thanks for wasting my time, but this is the last time you’ll ever hear from me.too bad you dont deserve me and another woman will have me soon.” I felt awful, but of course he called me again and again after that day-feigning tears and asking for forgiveness and Would Move to Florida to be with him. However, I soon found out he was writing at least 3 other women asking could he come live with them-saying he had “never had a serious girlfriend before “(the same lie he told him the week we met). the last time ever spoke to him-I had strep throat and was on antibiotics and could barely swallow water and was dehydted. he called my phone asking me to send him money and I texted him no and he called. I could babrely talk above a whisper, but he yelled and demanded me to talk to him. I told him “No. You have no respect for me and I’m sick. It hurts to talk.” his exact words to me were “Bitch, I should choke whatever life you have left in you.” I was stuneed. I told him. ‘yOU ARE A PSYCHOPATH AND YOU BELONG IN JAIL. I’M NOT LETTING YOU ABUSE ME ANY LONGER. YOU HAVE AN EVIL HEART.” and with that, I hung up on him, and have not spoken to him ever since. That was 4 months ago, and I changed my number and emails. It hasnt been eas to recover, especially because I sometimes have nightmares about him finding me. not to mention hes emailed me several times asking for forgiveness (as usual). What Ive learned form this ordeal is-trust your insticts, don’t put a man you hardly know over family, and be assertive no matter how intimidating a Sociopath can be. You are the greater one, and your true strength lies within your spirit.
– Esperanza
🙂
P.S. sorry for all the Typos my Keyboard is a bit damaged. lol
Your first gut feeling was right. If you want to see how a man will be look at his relationship with the mother.
It is funny how we stop listening to ourselves and our inner voice and instead listen to someone else thinking it will be ‘ok’ the sociopath is very persuasive.
Sounds like you have had a lucky escape to get away from him and it is good that you have a supportive family.
Welcome to the site and thank you for sharing your story.
thanks so much. and even though its unfortunate we all have had to go through these experiences..at least we know that were not alone. I was really scared and I didn’t even know my situation happened to other people.
I was scared too. I also felt ashamed that this had happened to me. Other people think why can’t you just move on? It’s not that easy as they play with your mind and your emotions.
UPDATE: So after another month, said Sociopath ex writes me (from a new account he created) on facebook casually asking how im doing. my instincts were telling me not to respond, but my naivete got the best of me and I responded. he then proceeds to confess his “love” for me and apologize for what happened between us. he said he knew I didn’t want to be with him but could we “at least be friends”. I didn’t want to, but somehow he managed to persuade me into saying “ok.” I feel awful and ashamed talking about it because I should have just trusted my better judgement. I told him today I needed to keep things broken off with him because it was killing me inside (he would still send constant messages each day) and he got angry at me saying “I knew you were gonna cut me off that’s why Ive been distant. (yet he messages me constantly) I knew if you didn’t want to be with me you wouldn’t be friends either. DON’T WRITE BACK TO ME. GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK. ”
sigh, I wish I would have just not responded. does anyone else have this problem-resisting temptation to respond/be persuaded by the sociopath? I could really use some tips and advice. I trying my best to keep him cut off, but some things are difficult to maintain.
thanks,
Esperanza
Hi everyone it’s me PR 🙂
I thought I’d put this here to help or heal or just a giggle 😉
Which brings me to my closure:-
On the 27th January 2014,after 10 months which was the last time I saw the Soc, he called!!!
I last saw him in March, the night before he flew off to the Uk on business which as we all know was the OW grooming business!
(I went No Contact fully when the police called me in June 2013. I had had a few words with the Soc but, it was business as usual from him anyway!)
Originally, back in the beginning his parting text to me was,
‘You’ll be fine, move on’.
That was it, that was all I got after 10 years! 😦
‘ No More I love You’s’ Thank you Annie Lennox 🙂
He was slightly (ever so slightly, pissed off at my attempt to expose his lifestyle too all & sundry (yay me!)
(Oops, told you I found the site later 😉
Anyways here I was sitting reading an article on Covert Narcissists & had just pressed send to the writer of said article to thank him as, I finally had the final puzzle piece & Voila,my mobile phone rang, No Caller ID.
My girlfriend often rang from a new number so, I had gotten over staring at the phone month’s ago.
Back then, I secretly yearned for him to call me just so, I could tell him off!
This is part there of the conversation as I can recall it;
Me: “Hello” really friendly cause I think it’s my friend.
Soc: “Hello” pause & silence….
Me : In my head, OMFG!!!! WTF!!! Potty Mouth again 😉
Me: “Whatsup”….WTF!!!
Who says that, I normally don’t, I channelled some American dude!!! I am Australian 🙂 G’day mate? (Nah), ‘What’sup!!!???!!!
I am in shock…..Breathe, just breathe….(shit, shit, shit). Gosh am cursing like a Banshee in my head ;).
Me: ‘Can I help you?’ dah!
Really???
Help you (that will be the day!). Yes, I am now a f*@king formal receptionist! Where the hell is ‘Me’ on a lunch break???
The Conversation starts;
Soc: “I am ringing to tell you, I haven’t stopped thinking of you & what happened & I’m ringing to apologize & explain a few things”.
Me: “Don’t you think 10 months is a little late for that?”
Soc: “Well, there’s a good reason for that & I would have called sooner but, you made it very difficult with all your texts & emails blah blah”.
Me: “Well under the circumstances & how I found out, what did you expect, a thank you?”
Soc: “No, I understand but, you didn’t have to go around contacting everyone”. He’s very controlled & monotone as usual.
Me: “Sorry but, didn’t you ring to apologize to me?”
I have decided to play it cool like him & have controlled my voice emotions although, am sweating like the proverbial pig!
Soc: “look I am really sorry for how I hurt you & I never intended to do that, you have always & still do mean a lot to me”
Soc: “I would have rang you sooner but, the OW insisted I have No Contact with you!”
Me: ” You’ve never struck me as the type that lets a woman tell him what he can’t do & you knew me & could have done the right thing even if it was more lies. You could have stopped the horse ( that’s me, the coltish filly) before it bolted!”…
“I believe you triangulated the situation?”
Soc: ” Yes, I should have”….Long silences have punctuated the conversation so….
Me” Well, do you want forgiveness Soc (name), I forgive you, there you go”.
Me: ” I forgive you for not being the man of integrity you led me to believe & I forgive you for lying & cheating behind my back Oh, & I forgive myself for allowing you into my life!”
Soc: “I didn’t ring for your forgiveness”…..silence….Hmmm telling words!
Me: “ok what did you want to tell me” & here goes the BS,(sigh) blah blah blah blah bloody blah!
Me: “So have you called to tell me your married?”
Soc : ” No, I am not married, nor am I getting married & for your information I am not engaged” (emphasis on I).
Soc: ” I did get my divorce though”…..Finally let the ex off the hook 35 years later!!! Big F#@king Deal!
Me: “So, OW said you were engaged, are you still together??? (argh my bloody curiosity but, wait for it….)
Soc : ” I am not engaged & yes we are together but, it’s not the way she said it was???” (really think I’m going to believe that she is the liar)
Me: ” Oh well, OW thinks she is/was engaged as, that’s what she told me & that you proposed in New York, whilst I thought you were in the UK”.
Soc: “That’s not what happened & I had no control over what she told you & I told her this was all her fault when she emailed you etc…”
Me: “I hope you aren’t blaming her, tell her from me Thank You for setting me free”
“I am eternally grateful to her for emailing me as, I had to look deep within & finally see myself & how I’d let myself be duped & conned & I faced up too finding myself & realizing just what & who you are!”
“I would never have done this otherwise without the two of you. So thankyou!”
“The amazing awareness & love I have had has literally blown my away”.
“All of the people I have met, far & wide, my family, my friends, my life has literally flourished, I am so grateful that as hard & as callous as it was, I have come out of it with such peace & power, it’s amazing”
Ahhhh my reverie, he’s just gobsmacked into silence.
Soc: “I just wanted to tell you that I still think of you daily”…..What the….so, he’s with the OW & thinking of me???
Me: ” Yes, I am sure you do, I am a wonderful person”.
He agrees’ & more flattery & yes, he misses me….Slap him up the side of the head someone please!!!
Me: “Yes it’s my dazzling personality” Okay so, now I am fully in love with myself & sounding completely La La…I then say,
‘Look, I don’t doubt that I am great but, not in a vain way & I have had plenty of offers ” (true)
“But, I never would have betrayed you or gone behind you back & I was authentic & trusted you”
Soc:” Yes, I know you did & I appreciated that & my feeling for you were genuine & real”….
Me : “well, you made your choice so, the rest is history”
Soc :” You must admit that we had some great times, it wasn’t all bad & I really enjoyed your company” Oh for f*#ks sake are you completely mad!
Me: ” Sorry but, what you did, your actions spoke volumes & I have nothing but, regret that I wasted 10 valuable years on you!”
Soc: “So your saying that we never had good times & I treated you badly”
Me: “What you did in the end negated the last 10 years & when I’m grey & old, I will view that time as one of the darkest periods of my life”.
Soc: “I am sorry you feel that way as I will remember it with great fondness”….
Me :” Look at it like this, someone you trust & value & think is your best friend, betrays you whilst pretending to have your best interest at heart”
“Stabs you in the front & back & then disappears, how would you feel if I’d done that too you?”
“I would never have done that too you & I took your advice & Moved On & it’s OVER!!!”
Silence, & he pause’s & says again, “I am sorry you feel like that & I do apologise for what I did!”
He never actually intended to let me go & would have continued to have his cake etc..
By the way, he did tell me he hadn’t moved all his stuff to the OW’s so, what does that say, ready for a quick escape?
Don’t get too settled, I’m not staying???
He’s angry at her for removing me from his life (yes he is).
I asked him to tell OW Good Luck, said Good Bye Soc & he hesitated & said Good Bye (my name) & I hung up, he was still on the other end!
P.S. I am now in contact with the OW for support & she has recognised his Pathy but, is still stuck. I ‘get’ her & truly hope she will be okay & free eventually. That is her journey, not mine. I am free 🙂
You are right it’s her journey and no longer yours…. So pleased to hear that you are on the mend.
They often bounce back when current supply is coming to an end. She probably isn’t making his life as easy as you did. They are never really sorry unless it involves loss for them. Just sorry that they got caught.
Hi Pos,
That is so right & I was told straight from the OW that he is displeased with her ending me as a supply source & she also said that if I had wanted him back etc…I could have done that! EEWWW NO WAY 🙂
I really am ‘over’ it all & cannot believe that it all happened & how much of a journey it was going to take me on in more ways than I could ever have imagined.
Staying NC is the only way to break free but, they will try & try to lure you into the game again even in a negative way.
An acquaintance even told me, he had been asking after me & had he called etc….I knew then that the ‘game’ was never over so, I told this person that I knew what the ‘game’ was & have no intention of ever seeing or hearing from this malevolent man again.
I asked this person to never speak of him to me as far as I am concerned he does not & has never existed & I refuse to ‘play’ or be part of this stupidity & delusion etc….Oh & I keep just being me & they know I am not faking being upbeat etc…I am free & happy at least that is what they will relay back to him 🙂
The OW writes to me about his lies etc…& control & manipulation & hopefully will break free one day but, as I told her ‘she needs to work out that for herself & I don’t judge her’. I also have no jealousy or envy that she is still with him. Rather I feel sorry that she is enduring the ‘mind games’ which are terrible & not something I wish on anyone.
Love PR xoxo
The phoenix is rising. ..congratulations PR!!!
He was “testing” the water to see what he can obtain from you. My Pinnochio called from another phone too, asked me to hear him, and use a script similar to your sp, “I miss you, all this time without you was so difficult, I don’t want to be alone…why we don’t live together?’ He speaks as if nothing happened, as is he can’t remember that his last text to me was a photo with his middle finger. I’m on my way to cross the “finish line” the freedom line…so I too can get my phoenix raising
Hi NMI 😃
These fools have no idea that we are graduating from the school of hard Soc’s 😁
My fool, like yours have no idea of the journey we’ve all been on & what we have learnt & shared etc…thankgoodness for this site & others as knowledge is power & we have our own support network here.
Imagine if we hadnt found ‘us’gee that would have been awful.
The Soc relies in going undetected but, not anymore. We cant save others the pain if these creatures but, we can help with support & understanding & thats a huge thing.
Your Diploma is in the mail NMI 😃
Freedom will be yours & as Pos says, Truth does set us free 😃❤️️
I am empowering the OW & sharing my Soc education. I never had it to arm myself & regardless of what she does etc…she has knowledge & my full support. No-one deserves the Soc treatment. She is a top physchologist so, understands ‘triangulation’ etc…& Cognitive Dissonace so, I speak her language & I speak the truth.
Be Happy NMI & I am sending you love & light always 👼🙏😘
PR xoxo
PR, I know at last that I’m free, free of hope that he will ever love me as I deserve, free to say “I love him, and I desire to him that he can someday know what it feel to truly love” I made my bet, I put all me on this bet, I lose everything but at last I’m free to regain myself. Happy sunday PR and to all the good women and men that are struggling to find themselves again, please don’t give up, you are on your way.
Wow PR
Very well handled my friend. As NMI said, the Phoenix has risen. That must have given you some satisfaction. How do you feel now?
I have been doing ok but am having some bad days again. I think because everything is so intense inside me. I’m trying to focus on being optimistic about the future, but struggle. So much unsurity. People think I’m too intense now, and I guess I am. I have so much to be intense about. The baby thing, the ex soc, what do I want to do with my life, my family of origin wounds, getting a job. You know… Just the small stuff.
Anyway, as always, you are an inspiration. Go you xx
Hi It Is Done 🙂
Sorry for late response 😦 I had a big weekend which was great 🙂
To be honest, it did bring up ‘stuff’ again for me & like you, I try & focus on being positive even when I am not so much 😦
We are human & have been traumatised but, please believe that whilst I struggle some days etc…& have been accused of being ‘intense’ those times are less & less unless ‘triggered’.
He did ‘trigger’ me off a bit but, because of being able to talk here etc…I knew this would happen & have read & researched ‘betrayal bond’ & ‘cognitive dissonance’ so, have prepared myself & analysed my response’s from a more objective viewpoint.
In other words, I’ve allowed myself to feel the emotions & then rate them & work through them etc….I also don’t beat myself up nor do I let other’s that say, ‘move on’ etc…to affect my journey as it is mine to make & manage as best for myself.
If you are stressed or intense or sad or anything, that’s okay as you are still processing the trauma & you are different. You have changed & life is not the same but, that’s okay to admit & accept. Like growing up & finding that Santa isn’t real, your innocence is gone.
Saying that though, we can still enjoy Xmas & we can still enjoy life but, the fairy-tale doesn’t exist but, we do 🙂
We aren’t robots & we are human & we will take our wounds & heal them eventually. For a while though, the scabs will form & we will pick them & they have to heal again. You can’t stick a Band-Aid on an invisible wound so, heal that soul with the best balm that is ‘You’ & your knowledge that you are resilient & have survived a very huge life event. That’s an amazing thing you have done & it’s been bloody horrendous but, you have done it alone & your amazing & also an inspiration to us here 🙂 That’s important & we aren’t just words on a blog, we exist & we matter & we care & we will get there together I promise 🙂
Make no excuses for expressing yourself or feeling intense as it’s normal & I ‘get it’ so, you are never alone. I’m only in Melbourne remember so, under the same stars & shining for you 🙂
Love PR xoxo
@PR, thank you! I’ll be waiting to the mail!
My Pinnochio has established contact I decide to break the no contact rule and for the last week have allowed his multiple calls, emails and messages,(I’m just tired of hiding I’m just tired of pledging to him to stop the insanity) I’m just silent, non responsive, hearing what he have to say, knowing that his words are hollow and doesn’t have any meaning. He doesn’t define me anymore. As I expected the “I miss you, I want to seHillBBMe you” turn to “why you don’t pay my passage to go to your house and I pay the other ticket so we can try again?” My answer? I’m broke I don’t have money. This is the magic answer to a fast change of theme. 😎 He says “you have changed” I answered, “you think so?” At the same time my mind answer, yes I have changed, and you are the same liar and opportunistic womanizer…he doesn’t have any patience,and he is not getting what he wants (a free ticket to a vacation to the caribbean with meals, transportation and 5 minutes walking distance beach and a women who loved him with all her body and soul)so I know it’s a matter of days to another of his tantrums and his disseaperance act…and maybe at last it will be the last.
Hiya NMI 🙂
Stay No Contact as any contact or reply is all designed to ‘keep you’ in any shape or form. The betrayal bond is re-established each time they connect with you even via a text or email or in my case the phone call.
I became ill after his call & I realised this was because he had triggered all the memories that flooded back & I became anxious & unsettled once again. It’s like any trauma & each time they invade your thoughts or actually reconnect then off you go again with the ‘betrayal bonds’ etc…Cognitive dissonance can be a problem also so, you must keep moving forward & stay No Contact or you will continue to be ‘controlled & manipulated etc…it’s just a huge game to him & you are a player so, leave the game & do not engage in his BS ever again.
NMI you have come too far to be played by him anymore & the game for you & him is over hopefully.
Stay Strong & NO CONTACT is the only true way out ever.
If mine contacts me again, I shall ask him not to bother or I’ll call the police as he did on me!
Love & Light & beautiful beaches for a beautiful lady & off into the sunset for you 🙂 Cha Cha Cha 😉
PR xoxo
@kara. WTF?!!!! ” they manipulate lie and hurt people who deserve it”????? U don’t belong here if that’s how u feel. U have no idea what Socs do to innocent people like those of us on here. If UR so happy defending UR soc then move on and live the lie if feeds u bc that’s what UR getting. All lies.
Everyone is welcome here Judah.. Whether they are with them, leaving, or have left and in recovery – or if you have left and are fully recovered… Even sociopaths – as long as their are no personal attacks against anyone 🙂
Then they should think before they speak. I know I did not deserve what my soc did to me and I won’t take anybody saying otherwise. …..just sayin
I don’t think she said that anyone deserved it Judah. I only have one rule here and that is no personal attacks on anybody. This person might be deluded and in a few months time might need our help. You know how they create a mask of deception and illusion. Many victims have no idea of the truth until it comes out. Esp if the sociopath is the charismatic type.
A few questions and observations…..how does it come up in conversation when you have met someone that they have been clinically diagnosed as a sociopath? And after this person has revealed this to you…..do you just keep dating them? Also, if it is true that they had the tests done to be diagnosed……..why did they have the tests done? What event would force you to do this? Would you do it voluntarily? Did they get more than one opinion? I mean, does the guy say……..”hey I really like you but just want you to know I’ve been clinically diagnosed as a sociopath……so you want to go out?” Why would a sociopath even reveal this???? Better yet, why would you come on a site like this and “brag” about it. Like you really have that “special” one in a million sociopath? Because the sociopath has recognized that you are that one in a million victim? Your sociopathic “love” is different than the everyday sociopath “relationship”? Meaning all of us here had the run of the mill soc crazy relationship…….but not you….oh no, this is different……..this is uncommon, special, unique, a crazy, silly soulmate soc love that will be different than all the rest……….lol
No sociopath would do this voluntarily.
Hiya J’bug 🙂
Don’t worry about Kara as she is either an enabler/follower or a Soc masquerading as a target etc…
Really, any reaction to them is just what they want so, best not to comment if it upsets you too much 😦
Pos is correct in allowing them as they are reading & watching anyway & sometimes try & suck us in but, true too form they always give themselves away for the ‘fools’ they are.
Pay them no mind. They are the ultimate mind f*@kers so, even if Kara is a willing target then that is her journey & if Kara is a Soc then, that’s really pathetic & typical to play ‘pretend’. If they could be themselves, they’d never make it through another minute so, they creep around like the crawlies they are out of the depths of their own insecurities & pain of never being real.
Keep Strong & stay Real
Love & Light Always BFF 🙂
PR xoxo
@positivia………..exactly, so that would mean a court order and a court order means the law/courts are involved and your mental health was in question…….which means something serious was going down……..not in a good way
@Kara. I hate to say this, but you might not see the deceit straight away. It can be the little things in the relationship to start off with, the little remarks. My Spath slowly turned me crazy and than did the big betrayal towards me when I was no longer required and he found a new supply. At this stage I was also very vulnerable and seeing a therapist. This, of course, was turned around into being my fault in some weird way. I now look back and realise that he started to hurt me 4 months into the relationship when he started to ask me for money but also acting oddly in the way that made me feel like I wasn’t his girlfriend but just a person he knows.
BTW, my Spath told me that he wouldn’t ever hurt me and that I can trust him….BIGGEST lie ever. What a load of bullshit! Unfortunately I did trust him.
I didn’t deserve the betrayal or hurt at all. I gave 100% into that relationship plus more. I hope that one day you don’t wake up and find out a secret and lie that the Spath has done to you that could rip you apart and almost kill you, like it has for so many people here.
PLEASE be very careful. He might be showing you love right now but they easily turn. Also, they do not know HOW to love, only know how to ACT out love.
@ Still Broken…..I am a slave to my phone. I constantly have it by my side. I started this behaviour during my relationship with the Spath. It is very hard to give up after the relationship. I am slowly looking at the chat apps and other stuff less and less.
@positiva….know what you mean. People do stop asking and expect that you are over it, especially when you put on a brave face in front of everyone. It hurt me but oh well, that’s life.
After my spath contacted me last time, it has been 2 weeks. Not a word from him and I have no desire to contact him at the moment. I move into my new house in about 2 weeks and then go overseas for a relaxing holiday. A couple of positives to look forward too and that is the way I have decided to help move on. Always having something to look forward to in life but also not forgetting about the little things that are positive things in my every day life.
That sounds like a great way to look at life ex and really healing too. You need something to look forward to to offer hope. Sounds like life might be turning a corner for you 🙂
Hi Ex 🙂
Each time they make contact, you must stay No Contact as they reconnect the Betrayal Bond which then triggers everything that you have fought so hard to survive 🙂
This is designed to ‘keep you’ whether is be just to use you further or to make sure they are in your thoughts etc…they never let go ever!
The ‘slave to the phone’ is also a ploy designed to keep you ‘hanging on’ & I was the same.
My Soc would call & if I didn’t answer would make me feel guilty as if I had been ‘up to’ something etc…whereas he was ‘up to’ everything!
It’s all part of the game of cat & mouse that they relish with great delight.
Once I was really over his games & didn’t answer his calls & eventually he came around to ‘see if I was okay?’ I thought he was worried but, now I know, that he was angry that I had stopped ‘playing’ etc…he did this other times as well.
Keep staying positive & fill your life with everything you can & enjoy it all.
The best revenge is living ‘happy’ & I can attest to the fact that they hate ‘losing’ control of you & it does bother them that you are free.
Love & Light & no longer a slave to mind control ever again 🙂
PR xoxo
OMG I’m so glad I found this website because I’ve been feeling so alone, confused, and traumatized after finding out my ex is a sociopath pathological liar. We were dating for two years and within the two years I broke it off three times because I always felt that something was off about him and felt a disconnect. But of course he would come back with sob stories of him not being able to give it his all because of an ill uncle (that was a lie), he lost his job (that was a lie), his mother is mentally ill (that was a lie), and the list goes on. He always promised things would be different and to just be patient and give him time. I always felt something was off with his stories but who would dare question family illness/death? Whenever I would confront him, I was always to blame, I was the one with issues, my favorite “you let people mess with your head”. He would call me selfish for not understanding that he’s going through a lot. Heck he even went as far as complaining to my roommates and friends of how I’m not being a supportive and that I am not as interested in the relationship as he is. He would tell me he cares about me and loves me and wants to take the next step and get a place together. Sadly, throughout the whole relationship, I really did believe I was the messed up one and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t trust him. I thought I had trust issues with people when in reality my trust issues was with myself because my intuition was telling me to run and never look back. Well luckily, the universe showed me the truth about this guy. Turns out he’s engaged and is also active on match.com claiming he’s single…When I confronted him about his engagement, he denied it got really defensive and said I always believe rumors and let people get in my head. Unbelievable. It would be nice if there was a sociopath registry site…
I’m just getting out of emotionally draining “fling” with a man who exhibited many sociopathic traits, and after having been told, unprompted, by 3 different people that this man is a sociopath, I’ve started to do some research, and came across this site. I’m so glad I did.
I had seen him around campus a few times a week for awhile, because we study in the same field, but because he is a graduate student, we had never interacted and I didn’t know his name. I was dating another man for all of fall semester last year, and I base my feelings largely off of emotional connection, so I never experienced any feelings of attraction towards him until I met him, although he is incredibly physically beautiful-the tall, dark and handsome type, always impeccably dressed and groomed. When we met, the relationship with my boyfriend was on the rocks, and I had become lonely and isolated, because of devoting all my energy to making this relationship work, so the “sociopath” came into my life at a time when I was very vulnerable. We were the only 2 people in a certain hall, and he came up to me, told me he was very nervous for a big presentation he had to give, (ha, him nervous?) and asked if I would be the audience for his run-through. I obliged, wanting a break from my work. His presentation had to do with the charity organization he heads, which was really interesting and probably, looking back, was his first step in endearing me to him. He was an excellent speaker, and I will be the first to admit that he does some really exceptional things when it comes to helping others through his work. I gave him feedback, and we ended up talking for hours in that room, about everything under the sun. I am an awkward woman when it comes to meeting new people, but being around him completely removed any social insecurity that I had. He was so charming and confident, and had an absolutely arresting smile that lit up the room with his intense, amber eyes. When he talks to a person, he makes them feel like they are the only person in the world that matters to him. Now that I’ve read through various lists of sociopathic traits, I recognize that his interested, unwavering gaze is probably just the sociopath stare. Yuck. He asked for my phone number at the end of our long conversation, and by the time he left, I was smitten with this man who had made me believe that I could know him. I broke up with my boyfriend that night. The next day, he visited me again, and we talked about our studies for awhile. He had a business meeting, and said he’d like to take me out to dinner and drinks afterward, to celebrate the success of his presentation. Sociopaths are supposed to be unorganized and unreliable, but he was flawlessly punctual, which confuses me now. He bought me drinks and asked me deep, personal questions about my life, gazing into my eyes across the table the whole time. “Tell me more about that”, he’d say, always engaged. “If you could live anywhere in the world for the next two years, where would you go?” He laughed easily and we stayed at the restaurant until after midnight. I don’t sleep with men on the first date, because I guard my heart after being hurt a lot in the past, but there was something about him that caused me to want him uncontrollably, more than I had ever wanted another person-so we slept together. He walked me home, his arm around me, and kissed me goodnight on my forehead. I struggle with depression off and on, and had been in a very dark place for the better part of the last year, but being around the beautiful facade that was his persona for just 2 days, had begun to lift my veil of sadness and I thought he was bringing a much-needed light into my life. For about 2 weeks, he would make an effort nearly every day to include himself in my life, even though he is incredibly busy. He would visit me while I was studying, talk to me for as long as he had time for, bring me homemade baked goods, chocolates, and candy, and buy me coffee. He wasn’t overly sweet or complimentary in his words, but his actions conveyed his interest. When I would visit him at his apartment, he would cook for me, but would never let me sleep over. He was so sorry for my walk home in the cold, he’d say, but never offered to let me stay. I was disappointed, but understood that men sometimes do not want to be vulnerable so early on in a relationship. Then he went away for a few days on a business trip. When he came back, he was distant and closed off. Always flawlessly polite, but distant. I attributed it to him being busy. We would go days without seeing each other, and I spent all day hoping he would visit for just 10 minutes. It seemed as though he had lost interest in pursuing me, because I had already been conquered, and he could have me any time he wanted without putting in the effort. I was on the back burner. After awhile without any intimate contact with him, I asked a friend (the first time I’d told anyone about us) what his actions might mean. She told me that she used to love him, and he had hurt her, and she knew many, many other women whom he had used for sexual playthings, drawing them in with his confidence and success and then tiring of them, either ceasing contact with them, or ignoring them until he felt lonely, then using them for sex. Apparently he was sleeping with many other women on the days he was not with me, and he said and did the same sweet things to all of them. I was heartbroken, but too in love to leave him. I did, however, start seeing the signs that something was off with this man. He is perceptive, and his people-skills are so fantastic that it is scary. He always knows exactly what he’s saying, how he’s saying it, and how his words and actions are going to affect the specific person he’s interacting with. Those skills are why he has a good career, but he also uses them to manipulate people into doing what he wants. He could talk his way into a woman’s pants in 5 minutes-and does. The more I was around him, the more I realized that it constantly felt as if he had a mask on, and probably didn’t know how to take off that mask. He was impossible to know, and I knew he was bad news but I couldn’t quit him. The mask he was wearing was so beautiful and practiced that it felt almost genuine, but everything he said to me was planned with a purpose. Every man I know was intimidated by him, because of his innate attractiveness, extreme intelligence, aura of sexuality, and confident manner of carrying himself. I realized that, unless he is in bed with someone, or actively trying to get into bed with her, he treats everyone in the same way, as if everyone he comes into contact with is a business associate he has to win over. And almost no one knew about all the women he was seeing, because he tells half-truths to hide his actions, and sweetly manipulates his girls into keeping everything quiet to “protect his career”. When I talked to another friend, who told me that he is a sociopath and men like him prey on young, naive, vulnerable women like me, I decided to end it with him. I was emotionally destroyed, embarrassed, and nervous. I let him know that I knew he was seeing other people, and I liked him, but didn’t want to get hurt. He displayed no signs of emotion as I poured my heart out to him, he just sat there, giving me that unbreakable gaze. “Is that ok with you?” I asked when I had finished. “Yeah, that’s fine”, he said, “but I need you to keep what happened between us quiet. I know you’ve told people about us and I don’t want anything to reflect badly on me and my career (meaning he didn’t want his other conquests to know about me).” I had never said anything negative about him to other people, but when I care for someone, I need to talk about my feelings, and he didn’t seem to understand that. He then told me that he didn’t really care to get to know the details of my life, he didn’t care who I was sleeping with besides him (no one), and I shouldn’t care who else he’s seeing, blaming me for developing feelings for him, because that’s not part of our interactions together. He said this all very calmly, with a smile on his face. He completely de-legitimized the fact that I had developed strong feelings for him because of actions he had deliberately taken to make me like him. He walked away, unscathed, and left me a wreck. At first, I thought he was just another womanizer, but he had no empathy for my predicament, is egotistical, manipulates everyone he knows into giving him whatever he wants (and they are happy to do so), and never displays any sort of negative emotional reactions. My heartbreak has turned into anger, but I also feel sorry for him because how sad it must be to not be able to experience the full scope of human emotions.
Hi Annie 🙂
It’s awfully hard coming to the realisation that someone you care for is a Sociopath but, well-done you for having the wherewithal to see him for what he is before he stole years of your life.
You will be angry & you will be hurt but, you are free & so wise to have worked him out Bravo 🙂
continue to understand & stay here for support as we do understand that an entanglement with this type of persona has far reaching consequences but, you are free & so much more aware & that is fantastic 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I have recently been reading the book “Antifragile” by Nicholas Taleb. The book mentioned a concept that was new to me called Post-Traumatic Growth. “a phenomenon called post-traumatic growth, the opposite of post-traumatic stress, by which people harmed by past events surpass themselves”.
It immediately brought to mind what I have been seeing happening to many members of this forum, and what I myself have been experiencing, after a long spell of no contact. Once the FOG has lifted and healing commenced it is possible to build an improved, happy life and become stronger than before. Changed, for sure, but stronger and better. Love to all.
@agoodplantoday….thank you for that info. I believe I have done that. Although I suffered from depression and anxiety, a few weeks after I found out about my Spaths extremely hurtful betrayal, I went and purchased a block of land. I don’t know why, I had never even thought seriously about it previously as my world revolved around my Spath and our so-called plans. I didn’t even have a deposit as I was supporting my spath so I had no money. In the end, my mum leant me the money to help me rebuild a new life, I got a $15,000 pay rise and promotion and all the stars aligned and I got approved for a home loan. I move into my new house soon. I also got a little dog. These are my positives I have in my life so when I have a down day, I think of how I am moving on, about to have a fresh start in a new house and how much better off I am without the lying, disgusting leach of a ugly soles man.
Fantastic! That is great news. It is amazing what can happen when you are afforded the opportunity to focus back on you. I had no idea of how much physical and emotional energy I had been using on a daily basis until NC took hold. I find I now have much more time for other endeavors now that I am out of the whirlwind.
I have read a few articles now on PTG and it gives me further optimism. Here is Wikipedia’s take: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post_traumatic_growth.
They certainly do suck all of your energy until their is nothing left and If you let them they will take everything else too. Until again there is nothing left.
🙂 🙂 🙂 I like this comment. So many positive things coming in for you!! Yay.