I regret meeting and staying with a sociopath who has never gotten to know me properly due to lack of respect. From day one i have been accused of ridiculous things causing me to try and prove my innocence and good nature until i’m going insane and blue in the face and apparently i have slept with everyman i know thus losing my phones any facebook accounts i ever had by changing the email address and account names leaving all them good people i know thinking wtf?! pc’s being keylogged new phones being app blocked and any account histories in every media i have ever used being thoroughly read and beating me when i try and ask why we cant be equal as he still lives the life he had before we met a twitter account full of whores strippers lap dancers and women and a facebook account of just women and the freedom to do as he pleases as in chat rooms and using any site without a fear of being beaten for it or being called a slut or a whore or accused of speaking to anyone behind my back! just only difference is he has sex on tap now whilst i sit alone daily emotionally broken and in complete despair and confused of how, why and oh my god . Even though he has proof he still to this day wont even allow me to call or see any of my old friends be it male or female. I had many more male friends than female even though i went to an all girls school… yes that right all my friends where from childhood or college and i’m in my 30′s kinda proving i am not a slut as all them men wouldn’t have been such good close friends. I know hes has also cheated on me out of spite and to get back at me for all these horrible things he thinks i have done although only admitted it once out of spite as he took something i said the wrong way and he thought i had gone out the night before when i hadn’t he then realized he read it wrong later on then said it wasn’t true …. true torture! painful and so so frustrating. He has hit me over messages i wrote to my old good friends as i left x x x x in them …. one message was to an old colleague who had just lost his sister who he often spoke to me about at work i had also just lost my mum and all i wrote was im so sorry to hear about your sister lets have lunch chat and go window shopping take care always around to talk x…. innocent im just a caring person.. another message was a reply to some guy that was an old friend but we had about a month relationship that was just alot of fun and years and years and years ago! but was better off just being friends in fact this pal had gone on to get married but was separated by the time he sent me a message that my boyfriend read. he wrote to me out of guilt as id put a sh*tty message up on facebook about the people that should have been at my mums funeral but didn’t come. It was an innocent message and if my boyfriend had read it properly and not made it all up what was on the screen he would have seen it was all about how great my new boyfriend was and how he turned up in my life just after my mum had died was a blessing… naturally the friend was over the moon for us. He says im not allowed any friends that ive had any sexual contact with so that obviously means any man at all.. ive been repeatedly kicked up my tail bone with shoes on, for his paranoia with no remorse or apology puched in the face with no remorse or apology punched in the ribs with no remorse or apology kicked in the ribs with no remorse or apology kicked in the groin with no remorse or apology beaten round my head and ears with no remorse or apology picked up and thrown with no remorse or apology publicly humiliated with no remorse or apology numerous times and all for asking questions of why and trying to prove my innocence and fight for my rights and show him his behaviour oh and also for when hes having one of his fairytale moments and make 100 out off 2 about something in his head… im now nearly 2 months pregnant by this monster …. i was meant to be grieving for my mum but all i have done is cry over all this… he found a local counseling site i had been looking at on the same day i found his porn with a meet a f**k option on it… he had nothing to say on the topic of what i had found but abused me verbally and though me at full force to the ground for seeking help over the lose of my mum and broke up with me with a full on drama but creeped back in .He has completely ruined my home everything is broken or has had something thrown all over it. My walls are covered in coffee and milk my expensive music equipment damaged and loads more my healthy bank account is now empty due to his irrational ideas and decisions and hes enjoyed a yr of helping himself to ebay through my account all of which i had no say in.. im now completely dependent on him due to him getting on my tenancy and couple claiming.The most hilarious part is he now thinks im the crazy one due to this counseling thing that ive not even rang as i cant because the number will show on any bills on anything i use and he checks emails and anything else even though im too scared to use anything.He still thinks i sit here daily chatting to men all day and being a slag thus obviously justifying his dirty secret life as ive realised all he blames and accuses me of from day one is what hes been up to all his life and behind my back. I asked to day if i could keep my phone on me he then called me a slut and slapped me round the head and went out. what a cnut .This is the first time i have spoken out about my life and i could go on for hrs i hope this helps anyone else like me realise your not alone..i am all that he seeks in a women hes just to ill to see it..
I regret the day i met him
x
Hi and welcome to the site. Your words echo my experiences. Constant allegations that have no bearing on truth or reality.
Are you in the UK? Have there been police involvement his violence against you? When you say he is on your tenancy is this council or housing association tenancy? Do you have children?
I might be able to offer advice to help you if you are in UK and you are in social housing. …
Are you receiving suppport for the violence against you?=
I get through my days now by reading and educating myself. I don’t even know if he is soc but hes definatly not right. Hes great with my kid and they took to each other from day one. All the parents at the school think hes great and the numerous kids parties last summer he attended with us and was great fun although the abuse had started. He doesn’t come to any parties now and when i came home from one not so long ago i turned my laptop on to find a busty women on my screen looking to meet local men on craigs list. I get abused over petty crap and he can do this? what other sites do you troll? im thinking so my insecurity is now beginning to set in. Then he starts flirting with one of the married parents at the school the only mate im allowed … she knows my story and is my only ears until now i hate pestering her. she invited me out after school and we had drinks this is still fairly early on in our relationship… he rings and i tell him to meet us. My mate is very glamorous and good fun and a bit flirty but thts just her and i like her so its fine. We sit waiting for him whilst she tells me im so lucky hes great all the parties he comes to and all the love he has for my kid and helping me with school runs etc etc so im sitting all happy cant wait to see him… he arrives from behind me i jump up to hug him hes all eyes on her and half hugs back he then pulls up a chair practically on her lap and sits opposite me. My mate has a small bite which she is scratching and she makes a comment about whilst pulling her top down alittle near top of her breast. He almost puts his face there and makes a comment im sitting half mortified by this as only a few weeks before hed taken my phone and destroyed any life i had outside of him because of phantom men in his head. They are shocked that im a tad p*ssed off and he says oh sorry im not allowed to talk to women!!!! i then look the complete prick and so hurt by the twistedness that i think was the first time i saw how twisted he is.i have also found out he was trying to take pics of her whilst i was in the loo once at her house.I got a beating once just for finding photos on an old ipod shuffle thing that an old mate had left here pics of us all as kids out raving :). I cant get rid of this its ok for you to do as you pls but innocent me who doesnt even look at men in a sexual way as most friends where male has to change her whole life to suit you because you think im something im not? feeling in my stomach i feel violated and broken …. im just so confused and angry so many scenarios. He text msgs people on my phone and facebook pretending to be me and he a general liability at times. Hell be crazy one minute over somthing rediculous or me asking him to repeat what hes just said and he thinks im arguing with him!? and the next minute hes the most lovable and gentle man ive ever met …. but hes never intrested in my feelings although gentle and loving …. just very odd …. is he a soc?
much love and many thanks i will be back …. and i beg anyone reading daily like me to please post …. be heard x
Hi JJ, how hurtful for this to happen with your friend. Aargh the double standards, of accusing you of what they are like themselves, they think that everyone else is like them, and thinks like them. They can’t quite figure it out.
You say that he gave you a beating for finding phottos on an old ipod shuffle? Are you still with him? If this man is violent towards you, (and in fact all the other things that you describe) you really do need to get out. As from my experience, it doesn’t get better, it only gets worse. Whether you are with him, or not with him, welcome to the site. I do apologise for taking so long to allow your comment through, unfortunately it had gone to the pending and I didn’t see it.
For me, the best way to describe my relationship with my ex sociopath is having danced with the devil. It’s been a year and a half since I ended that relationship, but I still struggle accepting what happened. We were together for seven years. He was my childhood sweetheart. I loved him like I loved no other. For me it was a sacred relationship; my dream come true. For the first year I was so happy, so in love and really felt I would be with this man the rest of this life and the next. Thank God I didn’t marry him. Little did I know how terribly devastating this would end. He brainwashed my two sons into believing I was the reason the relationship didn’t work. Unfortunately I have dealt with bouts of clinical depression my whole life and experienced a really bad bout while we together and was hospitalized. He made people believe I was crazy. I even questioned myself. I started researching his behavior and stumbled upon sociopath symptoms. Him to a “T”. I think what hurts the most is that I was alone in this relationship emotionally. He didn’t love me, didn’t mean anything he said to me and I just cannot fathom how any individual can be so emotionless. He was an unbelievable actor. I thought it weird how he loved everything I loved and disliked everything I disliked. Guess that’s part of their wicked game.
I am grateful for websites like this because no one, including therapists, can truly understand what this feels like unless they’ve experienced it first-hand. I just don’t know how to put closure on this and move on. Some days are easier than others, but I find myself missing him from time to time and then have to shake myself back to reality and remind myself he is just an actor. It really hurts.
When I ended this relationship, his mother (his own mother) sent me a message saying she was so glad I ‘woke up’. She told me to think twice about ever getting back with him and try to rebuild my life. By the way, I knew his parents my whole life. They were like family. His parents and my parents were so close as he and I were growing up. The whole situation is sickening. I really struggle with trust now and don’t know if I will ever have another serious relationship. I have not dated and really have no interest either. I wish I could be hypnotized to forget the last seven years. I just want to forget, but each day I am haunted by what he’s done to me and my life emotionally, financially and spiritually.
Thank you, positivagirl, for creating this website and for those who have shared their experiences.
I know without doubt that this experience will always be at the forefront of my mind, but I hope and pray for the strength not to continue dwelling on it. I know I said this before, but it is really troubling to know there are people without emotions. I can’t imagine living life like that.
Wow! She really is just charming 😔
I wish you would go No Contact because no one should speak to you like that 😔
I hope you find a way to free yourself of her ‘popping in’, as it really is the only way to go 😃
I’d like you to give up smoking too 😃but, one bad habit at a time my friend 😁😜🙏
Take care & i hope your leg heals really quickly so, if she ‘pops in’, you can give her a good swift kick up her kitten butt!
Lol.
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
@lyss….who cares if some people were not with a Sociopath. The majority of people on here have come out of a relationship that was abusive. If coming on here is what helps their healing process or help them get out of a toxic relationship, than that can only be a positive thing.
My Story
i met my sociopath in 2005 and he seemed really nice, he was a good listener and helped me when i was moving and i had left a long term relationship in fact my marrage, We went on holiday and i fell pregnant with our daughter, then i started to realise he was not normal, he didn’t like my sons and we had rows about my relationship he even stopped me calling my son,
I Went into labour and at the hospital he shouted out ”oh now i suppose we just need to find out who the father is?” When i gave birth to our daughter he was drinking cans of larger secretly and the midwife told him off and to hold me and help the baby come, she found the cans and threw him out. the next morning i wanted to come home but he told me he can’t come and get me as he would lose money at work so can’t i just get a bus!!!
he told me he was going to the pub and i wasn’t allowed (he has said that i was an embarrassment as i alway started an argument, but this is because he used to tell me all the girls he’d been with and expected me to make freinds with then) and he took our baby and when i came to the pub and asked where she was, he said ”she’s ok a couple that were sitting over there have taken her for a drive, You go home and ring me on the landline then i will come back with her when i’m good and ready” so i had to do what he said, she seperated and he had no contact for 6 months and no child support plus he had people spying on me. He sent me a picture of himself in hospital with tubes in and out and made me feel sorry for him so i agreed to meet him, he promised he wouldn’t be horrid anymore and he needs me can’t live without me and he wouldn’t treat me bad anymore and i should give him another chance and he wants to marry me. like an idiot i believed him and took him back but i was thinking it be best for our daughter to have us both as a family.
we had moved to a flat but we go together and moved to a house. he started belittling me and isolating me from everyone, he threatened to kill my friends and i found text messages and pictures from various girls
i made a plan to leave and he found out and we had a big row, i left and had to find a home which was really difficult as had no help from the council.
after about 6 months again we got back together and it just got worse than ever, he became more critical and still having affairs and gas lighting, i was walking on eggshells and he threatened to kill me as he strangled me but everytime i called the police he would twist it around telling them i was crazy on drugs and drink and i had strangle him, i was then arrested. he kept reporting me to social services and police and he would take our daughter from nursery or school and keeping her i had no contact and didn’t see her until i got to court and obtained a prohibited steps order, he’s made loads of false allegations saying i am violent and smack our daughter so now the social beleive him and has given him the control and i have to have supervised contact. there is no evidence just his words and i have no legal help, no money, nearly lost my home but i will keep trying to get the courts to see what he is like and get my daughter back, he is doing parential alienating me from her, i try calling her and he is now stopping that, he’s told her she cant talk to my family and he says i should be gratefull that he has offered to supervise me.
There’s a lot more he has done but too much to list but you get the idea
All i can say is it like living in hell. She’s 7 now and he has had custody for a year and i feel her drifting further and further
I am sitting at my desk, preparing my case conference brief. My ex is taking me to court again. (Our youngest is 17. I have sole custody. He needs to win back custody before she turns 18 and ages out of the system.) I thought “how do I explain to the court that everything my ex accuses me of doing, are actually the things that he is doing”. And this is what I asked Google. And Google responded with your web site! Amazing! I have spent so much of the last 26 years feeling like a crazy person because of the twists he puts on every situation. And it has gotten exponentially worse since we divorced. The tangled web of lies, deceptions and manipulation is truly astounding. We were married for 20 years and the best way to describe our marriage is – confusing. I never knew which way was up. When we decided to split he told me that if I didn’t do everything he wanted me to do, he would destroy me. Well the whole reason I wanted out was so that I could do what I wanted, instead of what he wanted. And besides, I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. What I didn’t take into account was our daughters and how he would use them. Years later and our older 2 kids see him for who he is and they dictate the kind of relationship they want to have with him. He doesn’t like it, but it works for the girls. The youngest though, has some health problems and severe anxiety. It is devastating to see the way he manipulates her in his efforts to gain control, to win her from me (I don’t feel as if there is a contest as I’ve always encouraged the kids to have a relationship with their father, but he needs to win at something) and to hurt me. (Yes, his logic is that if I do something he doesn’t like, he takes it out on our daughter. He doesn’t like having to do that to her, but if that’s the only way I will learn to let him be in control, then he does what he has to do! ) Thank you so much for your web site. Finally others who understand the world that I’ve come from and won’t look at me as if I’m crazy … I hope??
Take heart, that even if he manages to manipulate his daughter against you, if your older children see through him and what he is, it is likely that her older siblings will talk sense into her. How did the case conference go?
I am sitting at my desk, preparing my case conference brief. My ex is taking me to court again. (Our youngest is 17. I have sole custody. He needs to win back custody before she turns 18 and ages out of the system.) I thought “how do I explain to the court that everything my ex accuses me of doing, are actually the things that he is doing”. And this is what I asked Google. And Google responded with your web site! Amazing! I have spent so much of the last 26 years feeling like a crazy person because of the twists he puts on every situation. And it has gotten exponentially worse since we divorced. The tangled web of lies, deceptions and manipulation is truly astounding. We were married for 20 years and the best way to describe our marriage is – confusing. I never knew which way was up. When we decided to split he told me that if I didn’t do everything he wanted me to do, he would destroy me. Well the whole reason I wanted out was so that I could do what I wanted, instead of what he wanted. And besides, I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. What I didn’t take into account was our 3 daughters and how he would use them. Years later and our older 2 kids see him for who he is and they dictate the kind of relationship they want to have with him. He doesn’t like it, but it works for the girls. The youngest though, has some health problems and severe anxiety. It is devastating to see the way he manipulates her in his efforts to gain control, to win her from me (I don’t feel as if there is a contest as I’ve always encouraged the kids to have a relationship with their father, but he needs to win at something) and to hurt me. (Yes, his logic is that if I do something he doesn’t like, he takes it out on our daughter. He doesn’t like having to do that to her, but if that’s the only way I will learn to let him be in control, then he does what he has to do! ) Thank you so much for your web site. Finally others who understand the world that I’ve come from and won’t look at me as if I’m crazy … I hope??
She is a very confused girl. She lives with her Dad for the last 2 months. She has told many people that the reason she lives with him is because if she doesn’t live with him, he will never see her again. (he threatens to move) I overheard her tell someone this and the person responded “so he gave you an ultimatum?” My daughter replied yes, that’s exactly what he did. My daughter has her own lawyer to help her through the legal aspects of this mess, but my heart breaks for her. I know the games he plays with her will never end, but I also believe that they would be a lot less severe if I walked away from her. I just don’t think I can do that to her (or to myself!)
No absolutely we won’t look at you as crazy we understand.
Hi,,coming on here is really helping me work through all the mixture of total cruelty my one put me through, and I deffo dont think your crazy! the one thing you dont mention though is violence. was he also violent?
kind regards
During my convalescence I became a little bored, which gave way to a little self-pity, which eventually gave way to drinking too much beer. I was intoxicated 3 days in a row and decided I needed help so I reached out to the right group of people. I have been attending 12 step meetings for 5 days now and am feeling much better about my predicament and have a sense of well being and forward momentum. The sun is shining in my soul again, and the smile has returned to my face.
I get these alarming messages from her indicating that her youngest son, whom have a good relationship with (probably because he doesn’t live with her) was having trouble in school and wanted my advice on what to do. He’s a nice 12 year old kid. He’s been over to my apartment before and likes the one wall I have dedicated to my military & sports history. My own sons told me to do make “a wall” like that, so I did.
ANyway, her youngest son really liked that wall and him and I had an instant connection th efirst time he came over. I told her I would be willing to sit down with her youngest and talk to him and see if I can help. She agreed to bring him over that night with a pizza. Its very interesting that my x-spath showed up that night after my meeting alone & drunk, knowing I had just returned from an AA meeting. Her eyes looked blank and she had zero “connectedness.” I wasn’t shocked but deeply offended and asked her to leave. She fired back, “Yeah….there’s a guy I give rides to that goes to AA…sometimes we don’t make it to the meetings.” Christ what an evil bitch
You must stop all interaction with her & unfortunately her son as he is a conduit for her to you 😔
He will find his own path & you cannot save him as ultimately she will use him against you so, cut that tie ‘nicely’ while you can.
Your own sons sound like good boys so, concentrate on them.
Congratulations for entering the 12 steps as that takes great courage & self awareness.
You should be proud if yourself & do not let her keep putting you down 😔
Drinking is away to stop pain etc…so, look at the triggers & hopefully clear yourself of her & give you back control over your life.
My Dad was an alcholic who ended up with Korsacoff syndrome so, i have seen the full effects of alchohol & it’s reduction of ‘self’.
You can do this & I am happy to support you from afar 😃
Keep going my friend, you can beat this & her 😃
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
I’ve never met a bigger loser other than her son. The sad part as that there are so many out there.
The saving grace is that, just by virtue of the own pathetic lack of character, they have basically generally lonely lifes, which thye more than deserve
I wanted to clarify my last statement. It is her 24 yr. old son I think is a loser and parasite. Her younger son is not. I have a soft spot for the youngest son. Her 22 yr. old daughter is a good person and a winner, and the youngest son (age 11) is a good kid. The 14 yr. old is a narcissistic prick who Is loved by many in the public world but treats his family like shit. I try to feel sorry for the 14 yr. old, but his behavior makes it hard to feel anything but aversion. He is a kid however, and I teach teenagers. So, he gets a pass.
The 24 yr. is, like I said, a spath, without an ounce of reflection or character. Loads of good looks and charm however. Like his mother, he’s a real stud. He sponges off his grandmother, his 16 yr. old girlfriend’s family, and the good state of New York, which loves throwing money at people that have no intention of improving their lives. I remember asking “stud” how his first day of work went on one of his many stints. His response,..”The secretary told me I have nice eyes.”
I dated one near 2 years. A sociopath with a major in Narc and minor in sex addict. Worse year of my life (the last year) but didn’t recognize until it was over and all the lies and deception rose to the surface. Everything is clearer in retrospect isn’t it! The year I was Knee deep in it were what I refer to as the crazy making part. You become so confused between what your gut is telling you and what they are stuffing down your throat, that your head is just spinning. They love you , they love you! I mean who wants to argue with that? Right? Wrong!! It is another tactic! They don’t love you..they love themselves and the idea of what you might be able to do “for them”..end of story. They don’t leave you alone long enough to step back and think clear…that is a tactic of theirs for sure. They study you from day one, know what makes you tic, squirm, study your fears, your weaknesses, then bam, that is their emotional ammo. In my 40′s this socio thought it was his duty “to teach me how to love”…trying very hard to convince me “i was broke”, my past relationships so horrible, that he was the one I could now trust..to fix me….excuse me? Fix me? Yeah…guess what I’m just fine…is how I felt…but he continued and continued to shove that message down my throat….until i was gagging…literally..yet in the same breathe would preach how he believes you should not try to change people in a relationship. None of his tactics were obvious, they were always “in the name of love” with any and all arguments stemming from his need for more sexual gratification. When he came to realize that his sexual needs may get bad ‘media coverage’ he conveniently switched up the message to “physical attention”. That would play out better for him in the end, and better disguise his major/minor in sex addict. Who he really was , was kept very well hidden. Exposed only after we amicably ended things and then, the realities of who he was surface..my investigative abilities were now on in full force. You can tell alot about who a person really is when you get a tangible glimpse into their internet history..their use of dual facebook accounts, their private messages with woman you never knew existed. It is so unfortunate that many of us “targets” (don’t like the word victim) do not know the warning signs of such individuals until it is too late..then we read about it, and are shocked at how perfectly other targets are describing the EXACT same person…that is when we know and come to terms with what we were dealing with. Who would have thought such people even existed? If I could strongly suggest one very healing way to sift through the cra. zy that you are left with I encourage you to make a timeline, a timeline of events. It is like panning for gold, you will sift and sift and like gold the obvious will all rise to the top. Use your old texts and emails if you have them. You will remember by reading them again, the emotions that you felt at the time. You will see the sociopaths’ tactics in his replies and words. For myself, I found texts that were time stamped at the EXACT same minute he was texting another woman.. we were having quite a complex emotional exchange on text, while at the same time he was joking around with a woman he had an affair with. When confronted with this info, he accused me of not being able to muli task, then also tried to excuse the situation by saying we had been back and forth and back and forth on the whole topic so much that it was as easy as copy paste copy paste..and then of course would go on about how much he loved me. Look at all your tangible exchanges. Put them into a calendar and all will become crystal clear. Another example was sometimes he would text me ‘nite nite’ instead of his usual ‘nite hun xo or love you” when I searched old texts for the word NITE NITE, boom, there was all the times he said it, which exactly lined up with the times I caught him in lies, and omissions of truths or he already had something deceitful planned. It was like in his mind he had decided “today I don’t love her so I can be a flirt with other women, or a liar, or omit truths, and feel justified because I didn’t tell her I loved her today” It was truly chilling. Do your timelines. See that you were targeted, as someone possibly capable of supplying the sociopath with getting only their needs met. Be grateful you are free now. They cannot suck from you any longer, or continue with the crazy making. They are not broken, as they like to pretend, they are just plain old parasitic creeps. Cork a bottle of wine and celebrate your escape.
I am at work..just found this site. I will be reading more tonight. I am at coming to the end of my nightmare…welll I hope. I just read my life for the past 3 years. Only 3 but feels like an eternity. So much to read, so much to say..so much….Protectives Orders, court…thank you for creating this site..will be back later.
Welcome to the site Kristina please let me know If you need me to amend your name. I cant do it from my phone but will on my computer if you need me to.
Having a bit of a hard day today. Feeling quite anxious since last night. Gotta keep pushing forward. I got a message from my Spath and I think that has triggered it. Not really “I think” but “I know” it has triggered it. I wish I never met him cause I wouldn’t have developed anxiety.
He told me that we are family and that I am the aunty of his new baby (this is the baby he had with his new wife, that he cheated on me with and married her without me knowing, and then put it all back onto me because I was “crazy” and “anxious” before the whole marriage incident). He also said that I could come over for a visit. WTF. Why would I ever have the desire to go to his house and see his new baby and his wife? Is he completely delusional in thinking that me being there will be any good for his wife or for me? Selfish man. Is it his way to try and prove to me that his wife knows about me and how his marriage isn’t real (although no relationship with him is real!). Or perhaps he is just after money. Or perhaps both. Why try and mess with my head and try and get to me. I replied with “Really?! You think WE are family?!” Wow, if the way he has treated me is an example of how he treats his family, I would hate to be his enemy!
OMG Ex Def,
That is beyond psychopathy, that is completely unhinged. Stay away from him. Are you NC? If not, please do so right now.
That is so far wrong and out there fucked up. What a friggin looney. I would say he suffers from some kind of insanity beyond a personality disorder. I’m not saying this to make you feel better, I’m saying it because those comments of his are so far outside of normal it has to be crazy.
Please block him completely.
Peace and love and strength
Xx
@Exdef, they feed themselves with chaos, their nutrition is the tears, the screams, the pleas that they created with their insanity. He is looking for more “food” and it’s just testing the waters. Before, when we were under they shadow we saw their contact as a “he miss me, maybe now..” Now that we are under the light we are able to understand that they just want to devour us….as my Pinnochio told me one time, “I dream I am an animal and at last I can eat you, and at last you were mine”….creepy…So please, don’t react he will see that he have to satisfy his “hunger” on other place…
Thank you It is Done. My best friend said to me the same thing. We did have a good laugh at his expense. I am still in shock with his suggestion. I think it is to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and to pull me into his little games again. It didn’t work this time, it just made me feel all creeped out and sorry for his wife that she is married to him.
Yes, I have been doing NC. It has been on and off for the past year but this year I have hardly spoken to him and my mind is no longer foggy and I feel less anxious and a lot stronger. I also see that I am not the crazy one as his actions are far from normal.
Good for you ex def. They are such arseholes and their crazy making makes you question yourself because they act as if its perfectly normal therefore it must be us. It’s not – it is far from normal. The are disgusting messed up emotionless losers. Good riddance!
Xx
He’s just playing games with your head & probably the OW for the ‘triangulation’ etc…& yes, completely loopy la la whack job 😦
The thing you must remember is that to him, this is ‘normal’ behaviour as his view of the world is skewed!
Having dealt with this bizarre type & still supporting the OW in my saga, it’s commonplace for these dicks, to view us all like fools.
However we are not & they are the biggest fools I’ve ever come across.
The sense of entitlement that they feel is amazing & they think nothing of doing what they do.
Look up cognitive dissonance etc…read & learn to free yourself 🙂
Stay No Contact as they like to provoke any type of reaction be it positive or negative. They want to ‘stay in’ your life & will keep coming back & unless you find your own ‘Power’, he will keep you trapped in your anxiety forever.
I know this because I have walked this road 😦 they are time wasters so, time is precious & so are you 🙂
The secret is, keep working on you & stay here for support 🙂
You are not alone & you will eventually ‘break the ties’ that he has secured around your mind & heart.
There is no easy answer 😦
Accept that you are dealing with a full blown deranged mind & use all your protections.
Get therapy, keep busy, meet new people & stay with positive people.
Avoid the ‘blues’ by surrounding yourself with spiritual & real people that lift you up etc…encourage yourself 🙂
Above all else, never ever give in to this ‘fools game’.
No Contact is the only way to ‘cut off his supply of you’.
Believe me, it’s the only way out & I have seen a woman stay trapped for her whole life with this crapola! 😦
Thank you for your comments. He is proving to be more and more of a complete looney. So I am good enough to be an aunty to his child but not good enough to be a mother? Good riddance to a loser. Seriously warped mind.
I am just glad I discovered all of this before wasting more years waiting for him and also didn’t end up going down the road of having children or marrying him. I would be in a very deep, dark depression by now. I give it another year before his wife starts to realise what an awful, deceiving, lying bastard she has married, if she hasn’t already. He is a man with many secrets and has a way of hiding them all.
I just can’t believe that God allows this kind of person to have a child but people like me, who are kind, generous and loving, are not blessed with any. Mind you, if I didn’t waste 3 years of my life with him, maybe I would have by now.
I hope karma bites him on the ass very, very hard, that he will never be able to recover from it.
@ Broken 🙂
I think that regardless of her good kids etc…either go full NC with her & her family the good & bad etc…or continue to hang with the enablers & followers?
My Soc had one nice adult child & two enablers etc…i cut ties with them all regardless. When its over, its over or you just keep going around the same cycle.
There are good folk out here without a Sociopath attached so, look for them & leave her behind if you want too???
@PR,,,,Yes you are right. Only God can fix what is wrong with her and her life. I’ll just pray the daughter, who is actually the matriarch of my ex-spath’s household, will guide the two younger boys to a state of goodwill and teach them how to love.
I’m a teacher & former Navy Combat-Search and Rescue Diver/swimmer, and have a very hard time abandoning people that are lost or I view as helpless. I will cry many nights over walking away form the younger son. Many many nights. Hopefully the daughter will stay on task
I am sure you are a great mentor to the boy as I am also sure there are other kids you interact with & help as a teacher 😃
The thing is that if you have contact with the spaths kids, a connection exists thereby you are attached.
I have been supporting the OW with my spath but, realise it just keeps me in the cycle.
On that note, I will give her my best & ‘let it go’.
I have a 16 yr old son who could use a good mentor so, my quest is to find us both a better life 😃
My spath was a fireman so, i thought he was a good guy but, alas here I am 😔
At least the OW has validated that he is indeed crazy & she should know as she’s a Dr of Sociology! He never actually discards but, has a ‘collection’ of women that he calls ‘possessions’ & not many get ‘free’ of him.
I did so, i hope you do also 😃
@PR
Yes…this woman I had the misfortune of falling for has a unique and maddening way of controlling contact, and never really letting a breakup happen. She hooks you in with charm & sex. If she doesn’t feel like sex, she hooks with the most potent formula of all: sympathy.
I’ve gotta let this bitch go. She screwed up my recovery last summer with her bullshit. I can’t let her do it again. There are plenty of women out there. But to be real, I don’t even think I want to go there until I get my own shit together, get my license back, and can meet a nice lady that is dependable and I’m attracted to. Someone who has the capacity to love and care and isn’t jaded by their own past. Someone who gives a shit about someone other than themselves and their own agenda.
I have a real good batting average going here. The woman I dated before her was a narcissist. She has a good side, but ultimately, she would destroy and steamroll over me if I disagreed or called her on anything.
Man, I know I’m not perfect. I am scared I’m going to become one of those guys who is shutdown toward the prospect of ever meeting a woman that would be good for me. I’m very very sad tonight. I’ve never had a problem meeting women. I’ve just been through the ringer on these last two.
I think not meeting women in bars might be a step in the right direction for me at least. I draw the wrong kind of attention from the wrong kind of women in those places. I guess since I may be an alcoholic, those poor choices I’ve made may be part of that whole problem. Christ am I sad right now. I’m so freaking sad
Oh my gosh, I am so there with you, minus the addiction. For years I though WTF, my picker is broken, I pick crap men to be with!!! Then I realized after when one of NS said “You are so lucky I chose you”. Oh the F*CK I AM SO NOT!! Then I realized all these years, I’ve let them pick me, not the other way around. Now I am picky as HELL, if I don’t like something it’s not just no, IT’S NO! I have boundaries, not that I don’t compromise, but something’s I do not compromise who I am for anyone, and if someone really loves you they wouldn’t ask you, nor would they want you too. The ex, NS is a major drinker and druggie, I will not be with someone who does drugs or drinks more than a few glasses of whatever occasionally. No compromise on this. It’s a major deal breaker for a lot of people. So be you! Don’t be sad, because you have boundaries and standards. Stay out of bars, clubs etc, I was a bartender. Just yuk. Lol.
@Broken & NIBSIH,
Stop beating yourselves up, we have each other & even from as far away as Melbourne Australia, i am comforted to know that I have people out there who ‘get me’ as I ‘get’ them.
Yes, we may have picked a few rotten tomatoes but, we have learnt our lesson. I must say Broken, you are not alone when it comes to picking the really rottenest ones though 😉
Gee, if it was a competition i think i’d be a winner!!!
NIBSIH, you are amazing 🙂
Broken, just keep going to AA & dig deep for us. Only you can fix yourself & from here, i see great potential.
Keep the faith & remember, you are not alone 🙂
Be Happy 🙂 xoxo PR 😉
@PR & NIBSIH,
@PR
I’ve gotta hang on to the spirit God gave me and try to realize through the pain that God must have put this loser in my path to teach me how to be a better stronger person. The only thing I can grasp onto is accepting that there are some people that are just plain bad. Those traits that seem redeeming about them are but illusions. No amount of decency can change them. The only thing they are interested in is feeding their own impulses and avoiding boredom.
I have to accept that I can not afford to let myself feel compassion towards this person and her life. I know that hate and anger eats me up, so I can’t harbor that indefinitely either because those things will also take me down just as surely as this loser spath will. What I need is resolve and strength of character and spirit to walk away from this bitch for good. If I’m going to be honest, and it is honest I must be if I am to grow past this, I have to accept the fact that I have a weakness for beautiful women and end up subordinating myself to sexual encounters with them. Though I look like one, I am not a player. So, these exploits do not leave me feeling good inside. They hurt. I am far too sensitive to play these games.
I am praying so freaking hard this morning (it is 5:19 am eastern time in the U.S.). I am thankful that I have a connection with my higher power and I’m not just blindly praying to “whatever is out there.” I’m praying to God to give me the strength to be the kind of man he intends for me to be: Not some man-child “tool” for callous party-girls to have flings with. I’m praying to God to remove my character flaw of being addicted to attractive women and becoming dependent on the level of affection and attraction they feel towards me. I leave myself far to vulnerable by being this way. And, there are some women, that once they pick up on those traits, will exploit them for their own power.
I can honestly say that my encounter with this spath earmarks the depths I have lowered my standards to over the past 4 years. Though I do view myself as someone that got my ass kicked by the last two women I’ve dated, I do not view myself as a victim because I let it happen. I drank over this. I got into barroom fights over this. And nearly lost my career & freedom over this. It’s time for this nonsense to stop. I have two beautiful loving caring boys, a good relationship with my ex-wife (their mother), and am well respected at work. I have a circle of very wonderful loving loyal friends. I have a good job. I am an artist and musician. Other than my injury I am still very physically fit and strong for a 51 year old guy. I am a caring man that has good values and knows how to treat people. I have two aging parents that need me to make decisions for them to ensure that the rest of their lives will be safe, fulfilling and peaceful.
I need to get my life back on track. I need to get my license to drive back. I need to get a car. I need to get a nicer apartment once I get a car (the one I’m in is cheap so I can pay my fines and it is walking distance from work). I need to love myself more and have enough self-respect to not let selfish people enter my life and take up room in my heart and drain me of my positive energy. I think that following the12 steps in AA will prove to be a really good force field against this spath reentering my life. Positive Spiritual-Energy seems to naturally repel negativity. I need to stay on this path.
I’m sorry for rambling. But, I have truly had enough of this self-inflicted punishment. I literally can’t take it anymore. I have to change & I’m praying to God to give me the strength to do that.
@Broken 😃
God, whomever you percieve or see him/it to be is working within you & for you & always has 😃
You have many blessings as you mentioned & have gotten lost but, are back on track thanks to these revelations & self awareness.
Congratulations for ‘seeing’ the errors of judgement & lack of self worth.
Now you can rebuild the best possible version of ‘YOU’ 🙏
I am 51 this year & similar except I’m female but, have been drawn to the ‘evil’ to make me realise that I must also value & love myself like you.
I’m fit, tall,attractive & blond & have no trouble attracting men, just not the right ones! Although, i dont drink a lot, nor have barroom fights, i do have great family & two wonderful kids &i enjoy the best friends i could ever wish for.
I wish happiness & joy in abundance for us all.
Keep manifesting the positives & they will come, i know this because, its happening for me as well 😃
Take care & make us proud 😃
Another survivor Yay Us 😃❤️️
PR xoxo
@Broken
It’s good you’ve zeroed in on your need. You’re looking to the right source for direction.
You seem like a bright guy. If you’re attractive too, this pattern doesn’t surprise me. Know that thoughtful, attractive, smart women are looking for someone like you. For a long time, it’s been called “in touch with your sensitive side”, but the truth is, what that really means to women is that they want you to care about them and their needs as much as you put in on things that benefit you. I can walk away on a dime when I know a guy really isn’t ready to dig deep because I know he isn’t ready for an enriched experience that takes effort. If you’re looking too much at the outer and not about inner work, we sense that. That is how predators or marry able relationship women get attracted. I wish you much self-enlightenment with this.
@Jusagirl,
I fall in love too soon. I have done this out of good heartedness not shallowness. I have always been very tuned into them but they take it for granted. But, I truly have been played because of it. I have never targeted woman. I respect them. I need, however, to use more discrimination in my choices. I do admit, that subconsciously I must fall for attractive women without thinking about it. They also tend to be the ones that seek me out. These are things I need to be aware of in the future. I need to get my life in good enough order so that I think enough of myself to choose who I want to be with: Right now I have very low self-esteem. I know I have really good traits. I just can’t feel them. I hurt too much. Not just let “it” happen to me.
Thank you very much for sharing your wisdom with me. I really appreciate it:)
You are still getting pleasure, sex, attention, relief from loneliness from the girl you call a bitch, evil, loser, etc. We all have struggled with these things, that is why no contact is so difficult. I went thru serious withdrawal from my soc. just like a drug and any other addiction. I still get hit with cravings out of the blue, but they are less and less. So painful, I know.
@Broken and Sweet freedom, the best way to beat those “sp cravings” are to give yourself time before trying to contact the sp…time to see the list of who he/she really is, time to look back to their most nasty message or e mail, time to remember how it feel when they are who they really are, time to look at yourself on the mirror and say to you, “No, I cant go back I deserve the best…
please give time to this mourning process it’s just a matter of time to feel better.
@NMI & Sweet Freedom. I’m sorry for using the word bitch. I’m just really confused and hate this woman and don’t understand how she got under my skin so bad
These disordered people, spaths/narcs or whatever type of pathy they each are unfortunately,act only out of their own selfish requirements for ego supply & usage of others to meet their needs. It’s not complicated at all really, you give, they take.
They are intoxicating to create an addiction & like any addiction, it feels great at the time but, when the downer hits, its huge!
Trouble is, like the 12 steps in AA, you have to go ‘cold ‘turkey’ & stay NC & avoid them at all costs uf you can.
I feel so sorry for the ones married & with children to them as they can never truly escape them. The soc in my saga still controls his ex via his adult children. Rubs her nose in his OW’s, his ‘good life’ etc… She is subjected to witnessing his games over & over.
She is beautiful & lost forever in his game 😔
The OW tells me he’s a ‘selfish p#*ck & extremely disturbed but, is still in the game???
‘Desiderata’ Broken, its a great poem, please read it 😃
PR xoxo
I was in Perth was I was in the Navy. HMS Sterling was the Naval port I was at. I spent time in Freemantle. I would like to b=get back over there for a visit when the smoke clears in my life, financially, spiritually, etc. I remember coming back to the base after being out for the night. All these “tamers” were out. They were these miniature Kangaroos! I felt like I was in a lost chapter of Alice in Wonderland!
@Broken, that’s her name, you are just using it. 😎
@NMI,
Yes you are right. I think my heart is too big for my own good. I try to focus too much on the reasons why people act the way they do instead of taking a realistic look at who I’m dealing with. I try to rescue people. And I have to accept that God is the only thing that can save some people. With in my own power, some people are beyond saving. Her life is hard because she is a bitch who is used to be taken care of financially
@NMI & PR
She has, and I say this because I can sense it, an irrational resentment towards me because I am successful and earn a good living. I have wasted my breath trying to tell her it isn’t by accident that I do! I worked very hard to earn it.
On some level, and I doubt she can even admit it to herself, she is pissed because she knows she is too much of an asshole to have ever done anything with her own life, and hates me because I am have been too smart to let her feed off me financially. She even called and told me, “my life is hell. You can’t do anything to help me.” And I won’t. I’m divorced, have a great relationship with my ex and kids, and take great pride in making sure they are cared for financially and emotionally. If she was a good woman, I would be more than happy to make things work and help make her life better. She despises me cuz I know she is a leech and refuse to go there. I just need to get my courage up and be rid of this parasite that is mad at the world because she is a loser.
@PR.
I’m sorry I think I have to ramble. I’m starting to put the reality of everything together (even though I kind of did before).
1. Her sister fixed us up on a blind date. I knew the second night she was weird, and even sent her a text saying, “You & I are very different in many ways, you are an interesting lady but lets cool it….that way no body goes to the hurt locker.”
2. She showed up that Friday night at my apartment & took me home with her to what I thought was her & her mother’s house. Her mom & and her now 14 yr old son were at the “lake house.”
* a sinking feeling was that I was being “captured for prey.” Christ I wish I had walked when I did.
3. I became the greatest thing since sliced pizza in front of her family. Her mother did and still does love me. Her children, who I’ve come to recognize as being tortured emotionally, despised me. I’m good with kids, so I was a little confused, but not hurt. I realize later that the only thing they have learned is selfishness & I represented nothing more than an obstacle to their mother. They were like feral children living in a mansion. She stood there and did nothing to ease my discomfort. Though I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I was on my own.
4. Throughout the next 12 months she “cycled” emotionally. I realize this now. But then she kept attaching reasons to why she was acting weird (her kids , her x husband, her property form the divorce, her low earnings, etc.). She would “go off the radar” & I realize now that she has a hard time keeping the mask on for more than 4 or 5 weeks. Sooner or later it would come off. When it did, I said adios. Problem is she would come back with tears saying I mean so much to her, and was just going through a hard time and beg me to come back. Again, this went on for a year.
5. I finally broke somewhat free this past fall (September 2013). I was doing well, but sure enough, she contacted me around Christmas.
6. I kept her at arms length, which is actually her comfort zone because I tend to be extremely intuitive and can read people ( I guess I’m not too good at accepting the inevitable sometimes if I’m attracted to someone). This makes her uncomfortable. When I started doing things that were healthy for me socially (and physically) in, lets say Late January, early February, she started becoming very attentive. For some reason, me having good friends raddled her. She kept a good face on, but I could tell she was threatened that I was starting to “spread my wings.” She started making excuses about wanting to meet my friends, when all she wanted to do is dominate them socially (yes I witnessed this once 7 never allowed her back out with me when I was out with my buddies.)
7. I could tell the whole time that her moods would shift, but I basically just ignored her when she was bitchy. She was the one who wanted to get a stronger connection. I got too confident & thought..yes she is very difficult, but I can balance it. The my own life became unbalanced
8. When I injured myself, well I already told you that story, she was probably one of the most emotionally abusive people I have ever encountered. Movies couldn’t replicate the horror I endured the night I let her drive me home from surgery.
9. Have I learned anything about myself during this nightmare? I learned that a person with a good heart can get used to anything when they deal with a predator if they aren’t careful. And yes,…I surrender, I want a healthier life and mind and I have to not let this narc/spath woman back into my life. She will not stop until she destroys me if I let her. She has almost made that clear in her own words being the forthcoming sweetheart that she is.
Hi Broken 🙂
Ditto on all the weird behavior re the Spath/Narc & my gut told me many times to flee but, as we know the ‘gaming’ is rampant & he had others keep me in his silly game! Policeman & Fireman & his family were all summoned to vouch for his behavior or cover up for it etc…enablers & followers & just more ‘duped’individuals!
You have come such a long way & are now processing all the past events & things you ‘missed’ or let go etc…
These people are ‘gaming’ the whole time & can do it effortlessly as it’s all they know.
Read this guys articles & yes they are long but, worth the read. http://www.energeticsinstitute.com.au/page/narcissism.html
Loads of great articles on his site & others that give you an ever greater insight into the bizarre personalities we have tangled with!
You are on the path back to YOU so, keep going. You are not alone & this experience is designed to either take you to your higher awareness or drop you into the abyss.
The choice is yours but, I know you will & are making the right one 🙂
If you ever get over here to Australia let me know as you will have a friend here to greet you.
We do have some very weird creatures & critters but, most of us are okay LOL 😉
Oh & the animals are amazing too 😉
Take Care & be your own best friend
From Unconditional Love and Forgiveness by Edith Stauffer.
“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, when you are ready to stop hurting for what someone else did.”
“Forgiveness means changing the attitude of disappointment by canceling the expectations and allowing an attitude of unconditional love to flow out to yourself and to the person who disappointed you. You can only release yourself or another from one expectation at a time. We do this by changing the expectations into preferences. The preference states how we would have liked things to be. Forgiveness is a decision not to punish ourselves anymore for the wrongs of others or our own wrong doing. It is a decision to re-enter into the flow of life and love”
Love & Light Always 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi. My story is unbelievable – but not to you! My ex- husband led a double life for 4 years and lied not only to me but the other woman, her children and her family. He had multiple affairs. He faked legal documents to keep the lie up, he spent over 180 thousand pounds of family money and siphoned it off into a bank account with his mum. He spent years emotionally and physically abusing me and others. He tried to make me stay with him and bought me a ring and a watch but bought the other woman the same and talked to our son on the phone while he was in the other woman’s bed (I got a photo of his car on her driveway as he spoke!) . He lied to our child and still does. He manipulates and abuses him too. When I divorced him, it took a year and 12 thousand pounds because he contested everything. He threatened to take our son away and convince everyone I was mad. When he upset our son with an as yet unexplored incident, my son refused to go away with him again and so he dragged me through court for a year at a cost of 20 grand and it damaged our son terribly. He tried everything to convince the court that I was an unfit mother and I caused the damage. He did it with the stupid cafcass workers too but not the judge. The last resort was to involve social services and it teetered on the brink of our son being taken into care but of course, there was no reason. We got a court order. I got residence. He has breached it every time but he then got social services involved again and I continue to be controlled and persecuted. I re-married – that’s why I am being systematically destroyed – just jealousy. He’s a dangerous man but so many people see him as charming and a lovely man. I get painted as a nutter and I’ve done nothing except divorce him before he was ready to go. There’s a lot more to this story – you couldn’t make it up. He won’t leave me alone to live my life and he does it through making our son unhappy because he doesn’t care. But folks – NEVER GIVE UP! BE THE WARRIOR. Stand firm even if the whole universe is against you – the truth will out.
riversong,
It never fails to amaze me the lengths that these wackos go to in the quest to control others. To harm helpless kids … is appalling! It is good that you have moved on with your life, but horrid that he is destroying you for that. You are right – we must NEVER GIVE UP! BE THE WARRIOR. You are a very strong person. Take good care of your son!
These Soc’s are full of envy & jealousy & live materialistically always!
It’s not ‘what can I do for you’ with them, it’s always ‘what can you do for me’.
Fakers & takers, that’s all & we are real & givers.
Whatever you have, they will take & use & feed off & on & on they go!
It’s our suffering that makes us realize that we are ‘real’ as you will never see the ‘unfeeling’ suffer & that’s the biggest ‘tell tale’ sign of them. They will feign it but, just for the appearance & appearances are the biggest deceivers always.
My Soc is like the male lead in a soap opera with the leading ladies changing but, the same old soapy saga 😉 LOL….
I appreciate being ‘set free’, as not many are allowed to leave & never actually realize just what ‘evil’ they have survived. Some never fully get it & stay stuck forever in the grief & turmoil of their reactions to the experience 😦
Isn’t that sad, knowing that others suffer forever & whilst we suffer, we are ‘seeing’ it clearly, some never ever will do this 😦
Even in the dark & gloom, we find our truth eventually & as Pos says, ‘the TRUTH does actually set you free!’. 🙂
@PR
Yes lady phoenix. You are too kind and good, and I’m freaking crying because I’m sick of this pain, and wish you & POS had a house or something so I could lay there and cry until my tears were gone. I’ll figure it out in some indirect way through my 12 step meetings and become a better man through the process. I know that I need to take responsibility for my choices in everything, including women. I don’t like the way I feel right now, but they tell me that will change. I have to let go of the wheel and cry.
I don’t know. I’m freaking sad and feel like I’m in street fight for my soul. I feel embarrassed & This hurts. But I feel like not expressing it will make it hard for me to take care of myself.
Awww Broken 😦
Feel free to express here & crying is a great way to ‘let go’ & cleanse your self & soul.
It’s all going to work out, time will make all the difference & I am nearly 12 month’s clear 🙂
Just hang in there & talk to us & we do have a house that you cannot see but it’s there in your heart. 🙂
I am sending you love & light right now so, just be assured, you cannot see me but, I am there with you 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
Love PR xoxo
Aww beautiful comment pr. You are shining 🙂
That’s how working through things is. Pretty brave of you to share your feelings publicly. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, but most here thought it would never get better, and the same people will tell you that’s not true. Keep going through; you’re on the right path.
Your heart hurts because you have the capability to love. Your heart hurts because you live In the light. Your heart hurts because of betrayal. Due to this you are the winner as you have the ability to pour that love into you x
@Positiva, I just read the latest news about the criminal case against Pistorius (the text messages that she sent to him about his jealousy, about his double standards…) What do you think? Another SP?
Hi,
I am from Australia, and I have been destroyed by a sociopath, I am number 6 in his line of victims (however I didnt know at the time). I met this man while going through a divorce he was like an angel. It took two years and another I Do, he turned into the real him. It began slowly and then at the end a nightmare. He has isolated all of my friends and tried to do the same with my family. He has stolen money from me and left me in debt of 360k, he has stolen around 100k from me. He has made my name mud with several people and used his behaviour to his advantage. I had to protect myself against him in the end with an intervention order, as my safety and that of my family was in question, he threatened to hurt them. He laughed about my mum having cancer and said he wished she had died. He laughed about my beloved dog and stole the dogs ashes! He works with a friend of his of which he claims is a mate, I have found them in bed together! This person also claims to be a victim over and over, he has been in an accident many years ago and took another’s life and shows absolutely no remorse. While I was with him he faked a suicide attempt, of which I supported him while it was all a game. He had left the marriage several times each time showing no remorse. He had taken off when I had lost two pregnancies one he claims never happened, one after IVF treatment and another naturally. I could just go on and on, and people ask me why I stayed, I felt sorry for him and thought that I loved him, because sometimes the good man I saw when we were first together would keep coming back. This man is pure evil! and once again he gets away with his game. People he calls friends are just as bad because they enable this behaviour over and over, is there any justice ever for these people. Now he is claiming to have some right to take more from me financially in the divorce settlement truly he will not rest untill I am six feet under. This man is from New Zealand beware, and as I said I am number 6. Is there a forum where by justification can be sought, I am drafting a book and feel that hopefully this will be someone’s assistance not to get involved with such a person.
Thankyou for listening.
South Australian reader.
@Positivia & PR,
A lot of what I’m going to say is a statement of the obvious, but I have had to process it and come to terms with it myself.
Last night something changed inside of me, and I now its for the better. I emancipated myself from these chains. A friend of mine, a very nice lady, who I have dated here and there over the years called me and asked me how I was. She knows me very well and could tell that I was very troubled but trying to hide it. She asked if I needed anything because I’m sort of layed up from my injury. I said no. When I got off the phone with her something dawned on me. That, because of that spath I let myself get involved with, I have shut out most of the rest of the world accept for a few close friends. I have pushed other women away because I allowed myself to become isolated. The spath, in the state she is now, doesn’t overtly try to control or isolate me. She is in the cold, ignore phase of our relationship, as if I don’t exist. Knowing what I know now, she will wait until I start getting healthy (both physically and emotionally) form her last discard, and then magically appear out of no where like nothing ever happened between us that was negative. I realize how sick this is. And I realize how low down the ladder I have gone emotionally because of this psycho, and how much of a hostage of allowed myself to become.
While I was in the military I attended a special training called SERE (Survival Escape Rescue Evasion) Training. IN that school the facilitators simulate a “Prisoner of War” experience for the trainees. In other words, the trainee become a prisoner of war. IT is up to you and your classmates to succeed in these areas on order to graduate. The school is very thorough in its simulation, and you truly get the “real” feeling after a healthy dose of sleep deprivation and severe emotional torture, that you really to have to escape
WHen I got off the phone with My friend, I sat there and thought to myself, “why am too scared to even go out on a date with someone who truly cares about me.’ Then I realized just how programmed I have let myself become by this spath. I had become a prisoner of war. The longer you are a hostage, the more accepting you become to your capture & the abuse, and the more apathetic you become towards escape. . I escaped.
I called my friend back and asked her if she would like to go out for dinner. Yes there some romance, but the saving grace was the human-love connection she gave me. I broke down in the car & told her what had happened. She’d been through similar situations so was able to immediately relate. She told me I had been suffering from severe emotional abuse. She nurtured me out of my shell throughout dinner. We had fun & talked.
I felt like, for the first time in I don’t know how long, that I was in the sun. Not just because of my friend (but partly,,,isn’t that what friends are for?), but because I allowed myself to walk in the sun. As I sat there talking and laughing and eating (one of my favorites) Thai food, I realized that yes. It is time to end the punishment. I’m not going to segway into another relationship. But, there is no freaking reason on the face of this earth that I deserve to be treated like shit. I am very nice to people. I am going to begin enjoying life and the friendship of normal loving women again. And, I suspect, if I continue to allow myself to heal & go through the 12 steps, things will workout, and there is always the possibility that I will meet a woman that is right for me. The punishment is over.
Love Broken
Yay Broken 😃
You are on the road back to you & your friend sounds lovely 😃
Keep No Contact & yes, she will be back & you must be strong enough like I was to ‘stand in your power’ 😃
When mine called, i was so loving myself that he could not penetrate my defences 😃
I forgave him for not being the person he led me to believe but, i forgave myself for being used etc…
You will get there so, stay positive & surround yourself with people that love & care for you 😃
I am very fortunate to have a huge support group so, they literally came out in force & even this past weekend was a whirl of dinners & social stuff! I’m exhausted but, happy 😃
I love thai food but had Japanese on Saturday Yum 😉
Oh & keep fit, i go to the gym 3 days a week & my ass is out of the basement & heading back to the top floor (sort of 😉
I think my trainer likes to torture me! LOL
Xoxo PR
@PR. That is great! It sounds like you have a great life & great friends! Ironically enough, I have gotten in better shape since my injury. I’ve shed about 15 to twenty pounds over the last month from not drinking, and I also bought one of those “Chuck Norris Total Gyms.) It requires no leg use, so I am able to workout my core really well without any consequence to my leg. I also do a multitude of crunches and leg lifts so my legs are actually getting in shape. None of these exercises are weight baring.
I realize I et the spath steal my sun. And, I also realize that there are many parallels between substance abuse/addiction and dating a spath. I think the 12 steps will help me a lot here. I know I need to go through steps 4-6 and forgive myself and let the higher power remove those character flaws of my own that have kept me prisoner for so long. After I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive the spath and move on in the cycle of life & love you speak of. I think I’m getting close to having that spiritual experience they speak of in AA if you follow the steps. Thankyou for noticing my progress and caring.
Love Broken
I’ve been looking for a trainer too. Since you brought it up, I’ll try again this week. Inside was doing well (till last night). Therapist will be back next Tues. I think it would make me feel stronger to be working on the outside.
You are a good guy Broken & you really need to believe in yourself & treat yourself as you would like to be treated by others. You are on your way so, keep the faith & always remember that complete strangers on the other side of the world care about you 😃
I am reading Choosing Happiness, life & soul essentials by Stephanie Dowrick.
I love self help books & affirmations so, grab yourself a copy or something simimlare like Daring Greatly Brene Browne etc….read everything positive.
Well done on the exercise & the 12 steps, that’s amazing & shows great strength of will.
Stay strong & if & when she contacts you, make a pact with me that you will never go backwards, no more crazy.
Really good ladies are out there & one is looking for you 😃 xoxo
Heres the pact. I won’t allow myself to go back to that. I will approach that the same way I am dealing with my alcohol issue…one day at a time. One day at a time I will tackle these addictions. One day at a time I will ask my higher power to give me enough grace to be strong and walk in the sun and enjoy the good things in life God has granted me. The spath is just one more reflection of my own inner desease. God placed her here to teach me what I am not. through that pain, I am supposed to, and am, recognizing the goodness that God gave me.
I made another dinner date tonight to eat another one of my favorites: Lobster. Screw it, I wanna live. Great food, great company. Why not!
THnakyou for such attentiveness PR. I feel so much like you are a friend whose face I can’t see. Didn’t think was possible, but it appears as it is.
Love Broken
OMG I love lobster 😃
Yes, one day at a time & yes, the Spath was sent for a reason & you are self reflecting & looking for the lesson which is great.
My experience made me take a ‘road trip’ through my entire life from chlid abuse, an alcholic father, a bi-polar? Ex husband to a Spath/covert Narc!
What did I learn you ask?
I was never protected, i looked outside of myself for validation, i suffered low self esteem & viewed dysfunction as ‘normal’ & I disassociated to cope.
The Soc taught me that i accept the unacceptable & i was targeted at a very vulnerable time & 10 years later, here I am!
I finally took responsibility & stepped back & took a very hard look at myself.
I forgave myself for my mistakes, acknowledged that the past us behind me & started from square one. A day at a time until nearly 12 months later, the death of a best friend, my daughter had a car accident & i turned 50 😉
Travelled to Bali, realised i was alive still & my daughter was spared thank god! Light was shining on me from all directions, i stumbled & got up & kept getting up until I got to today 😃
One day at a time sweet Jesus is all we have so, live in the present & be brave as tomorrow is not promised but, i am always glad of tomorrows 😃
Have faith & you have come this far, victory is yours for the making 😃
Take care my friend, cant wait to call you fixed 😃
@PR,
In the spirit of progress, there is to be a Name Change: This is formerly “Broken” who now goes by, at my friend PR’s humorous suggestion: “Under Construction” Bali sounds great! This kid needs to travel when I get back on my feel! Change is good
Bali sounds great to me too. Ask pr sounds so far away to me …..
How about ‘Under Renovation’ 😃
We can try ‘Fixed’ later, no pressure!
Good night its 12 am here in Melbourne zzzzz 😃x
Pink has a song (just give me a reason) with words something like this………”it’s been written on the scars of our hearts, were’re not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again”
@PR
That is funny..and I will take it under strong advisement!
@PR, and my other friends,
HI, this is formerly” broken”, now calling myself “Under Construction.” (someday to be called fixed).
I just wanted to wish everyone a good day. I’m not feeling that sad, as I have accepted what has happened what has happened in relation to dating a spath off & on for a year and a half.
I realize now, after talking to my counselor yesterday, that the spath & my experience with her was a reflection (or component) of what they call in AA, as “bottoming out.” Many things in my life reflect that. I have to get my license back to drive. I have no car. I live in a tiny tiny apartment in the rough side of town so I can afford the legal issues (fines from the DWI 2 years ago) I am currently addressing, and so I can walk to work. I realize now that my x-spath preyed on my vulnerability of being in this tough spot in my life. Though I still have many things to be proud of about myself, she would make comments to make me feel bad about myself and my situation. Toward the end, I would remind her that she may be living in a mansion, but its her mother’s house which she pays nothing for, and that it is her that is on welfare, not I. The minute I would fight back with words a little bit, she would fly into a rage.
Again though, I realize accepting her and her treatment of me into my life just one more reflection of my bottoming out. Maybe God sent her to force me to take stock and learn how to fight my way back to the successful person I was before my troubles began.
Something has shifted in me since Monday. I can see that there are many possibilities and great things I have in my life that are just an arm’s reach away. I just have to have enough self-love and courage to do those things I must do in order to procure them. I’m no longer looking at my personal tragedies and frozen by fear and shock. I want to move forward from this forsaken “place” I have been stuck in for awhile now.
Someone, I read here, really describes just how little they (spaths) have to offer. Nothing. Alone they lead boring pathetic lives…empty of personal character. They just feed off the world around them like parasites because they don’t have a real world of their own.
I’m moving on in love & light as lady Pheonix says. I have to be patient as I make steady progress in moving on from this forsaken place I have been existing in.
Again, screw that pathetic spath I was hooked up with. Companionship can be tricky and tough sometimes, but it shouldn’t have to be that fruitless and painful.
Love UC
Glad to hear you’re reaching out. The act of trying something different in, as you describe it, an emotionally-constrictive situation, is so healing.
It’s surprising how easily mental health can be manipulated. As adults, we think we would sense intent, and many times our intuition helps with that. These people fly under the radar though if we allow them close.
My soc had me watch a movie, “Devil’s Rejects” where there was a scene where the “villains” were holding innocent people hostage in a hotel room. When the victim was able to get ahold of a gun, she learned there were no bullets in it. The “villain” said, “They ain’t no bullets; it’s all mind control.”
Sometimes, we are held hostage by what others say or do, but more often, I think we’re held by our own beliefs. “You hold me without touch, and keep me without chains.”—from Sara Barallies’ song, Gravity
@JUSAGIRL,
“You hold me without touch, and keep me without chains.” That line says it all! Thank you for the encouragement and song!
Hi Jusa 🙂
Yes, exercise has many benefits & you must work at improving all aspects of your life, mind, body & soul 🙂
Good girl, I am proud of you 🙂
My home computer has had connectivity problems so, haven’t been able to get on as much!
I will though so, stand by in our other place 😉
PR xoxo
Yes, the ‘betrayal bonds’ & ‘cognitive dissonance’, trying to separate fact from fiction & our reality from their lies, manipulation & control.
We are kept confused to keep us off guard & it’s a very clever ploy that they have mastered!
Light bulb moments are soon extinguished by our brain ‘shutting down’ to cope as hyper vigilance is a perceived threat situation…fight,flight or freeze.
The Soc re-wires our brain by careful & subtle ploys etc…they have nothing better to do than play as, left alone they are boring & un-stimulating people.
They live outside of themselves for relief from their own limited potential to feel real!
They are really very pathetic & sad creatures, having to create a fantasy world to live & play in & the lead actor is always them & the soap opera lives they lead. It really is life lived like a ‘soap opera’ on TV! Never real, just fake & made-up….MAKE-UP Please, I’m a little shiny 😉
Oh Bali….I am going there this weekend for 2 weeks. It is my haven. Downside is that I met my Spath there (i remember reading that while on a holiday an Spath can find an easy victim….their victim is relaxed and carefree…was true in my case) I haven’t let it ruin my love for the island. It really is my Eat, prey, love place 😉
Have a brilliant time Ex 😃
The spaths are everywhere but, don’t worry as you are more aware now so, eat, love & pray.
I love Bali & we stayed in a great villa in Semanyak 😃
We mainly ate, shopped, swam, ate, shopped & drank 😃oh & one night of karaoke (yes, i did Abba 😉 lol
Shush, a few Bintangs & I cut loose 😃
Have a fantastic time & pray for happiness & love 😃
Take care & watch out for chip munks 😃 & gekko’s really cute.
PR xoxo
Sorry about the name change think. I didn’t mean to make you guys mad. I thought it would be okay. Please don’t stop communicating with me now. I’m starting to get my feet on the ground
Hi Under Construction 😃
We havent forgotten you, is everything okay?
Remember some threads don’t always appear especially if you post under this link? Also, i am in sth hemisphere so, time difference makes it difficult 😃
PR xoxo
@PR. Good morning to me & good evening to you:) Yes..I’m doing okay. I realized after a deep discussion with my an old friend of mine that dating that spath …allowing that psycho into my life, was just another reflection of what my life had become. God sent me a broken leg/ankle to slow me down and take a look (I actually believe in that stuff). It hurts bad enough that it made me take a look at what I’ve allowed my life to become. I earn a very good living, but due ot losing my license and the incredible fines I have to pay, I went from living in a nice house to living in this shot-gun shack apartment so I can afford the fines and walk to work. I still have my gifts which I’m starting to recognize again. I still have a good career, and a wonderful family, and some very great friends.
I think I have made the dreadful error of confusing sex with affection in some woman. I guess some of these women were probably attracted to my life.(.my nice car..nice house) as well as me physically when I had all that going on. MInus those things, maybe it was just the physical attraction….I became this guy “just to have a good time with..not really care about. I probably was hoping for love, but looking for it in the wrong places from the wrong kind of women. I know that now.
Looking back, I realize now that alcohol took all that away. Maybe it wasn’t the most important thing to have. Maybe I was lacking in spirit and God wants me to recognize it and grow to a complete person before I earn those things back.
Love Under COnstruciton
@ Broken, site seems to be down or slow but, i am still here & sending Love & Light 😃
Keep up the good work.
PR xoxo
Hi Under Construction 😃
You have started on your road to recovery & self reflection is part of the healing process, well done.
This experience does make to stop, look, listen & learn.
I am proud of you & you should be proud also as this is the great gift you have received.
Higher self awareness is your truth.
Trust in your God to help you now & embrace self love in its purest form.
Not a vain love but, love yourself & be gentle & compassionate to YOU.
We all make mistakes, some of us make huge ones but, unless we learn from them, we are doomed.
Alcohol is a form of escape from self & now you are doing 12 steps keep going.
You do not need to anaesthetise yourself or be anything other than who you really are. Sex makes us live outside ourselves if we give it out freely etc…sex with someone you love deeply is very different so, aim for that if you can?
Remember, forgiveness is another key that you must come to accept. Forgive your Spath, she cannot help who she is & forgive yourself for allowing her to hurt you.
None of us knew we were playing a game with these people so, the ‘rules of engagement’ were not fair.
If we knew upfront that it was just a game, none of us would be here!
You just keep doing what you can to resurrect the real you & life will flourish for you.
It’s not easy but, don’t make it harder by ‘beating’ yourself up as guilt is a waste of time.
Let it go & face everyday as if it’s your last & enjoy your life from this day forward. Breath & be happy 😃
@PR,
ITs been a few days. I’ve had an okay week. Haven’t heard from my Spath, but I’m sure she’ll show up like nothing happened in a while. WHen I politely dismiss her I know that she will attempt to place the cause for the “tension” on me.
Peace, Under Construction
Hey my friend under construction😃
I am watching the witches of eastwick! Jack Nicholson is a great Soc, actor & for real apparently?
You must stay NC its crucial for your recovery, you are not strong enough yet so, i hope she stays away?
I have learnt more about the mind control of these weird disordered minds & I will share soon. I have the links on my work computer, fascinating stuff & good knowledge to know!
Learn as much as you can because the more you know about them & their game, the better off you will be.
I read that if you don’t get your mind control back, you attract others as they recognise the mind control already instilled in us!!!
I will post more soon, remember that life is meant to be enjoyed not endured 😃that’s my mantra now 😃
Keep going, be the best version of you & the rest is easy 😃
Love & light 😃
PR xoxo
@PR,
Hi lady Phoenix. I can’t say I’m doing really good, but I am hanging in there. I just order Sarah Tate’s book “Web of Lies” and am praying that it will help me move on. I do good for a while and then I return to this horrid place. I’ll be ok. I think my mind is slowly getting stronger over all this even though I’m not completely sure, on an emotional level, of what happened with this woman. I just wrote this poem or whatever is:
Her Land of Broken Toys:
Her endless land of broken misfit toys lays about in numb rebellion against the multitude of her crimes.
Robotic eldest brags to her every night about everything he has learned about his coworkers at the workshop job he landed through a temp agency. She cheers him on as though he made progress.
They fascinate each other as their conversation spins endless magical wheels in the air about “what they can do to fix their lives.
Both know, but do not care, that there lies no promise of hope or answers in their empty words.
They stare at each other like vampires across the kitchen table in the kitchen of her mother’s suburban mansion and accept the stark reality that their reverie is finite and devoid of universal validation.
When they come down from their rush, they cry over their own desolation.
God is not there as she numbly lies down with her eldest son and strokes his back as he falls to sleep. She takes solace in his physical beauty because it reminds her of her own and her fantastic choice of a mating partner.
Her second eldest son appears at breakfast and speaks proudly of how he earned money on ebay from selling gifts I got him. He was only 13 when he screamed at me that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. His mom didn’t say a thing.
Her 3rd son is polite to me, but burns his name in the lawn of his grandmother’s house that his mother is living in. His laughter was freaking maniacal as I left that night.
The last thing I remember her daughter saying to me a year and a half ago when I first her mother was, “Please, you seem like a nice guy. This isn’t good for you.”
PS.PR I am however, remaining NC. It jut the despair that creeps back in
Hi PR and POS, miss you all. I’ve been very busy NS is on his “little rage”. I have had a very difficult time dealing with him. Because of the children, you all know he is the NS “Father of the Year” ((gagging)). One email turns into 46. Currently he wants me to “acknowledge” him. So I am contacting his attorney, Monday to advise the attorney to tell his client to bug to F*CK OFF, it’s not in our order I have to “acknowledge” him, and I find his clients aggressive manner to be threatening, so could he please stop emailing in this manner. It’s been so bad I literally have to stop my self and cry in the bathroom. It’s so frustrating, annoying and depressing. I know he wants a reaction out of me, and he is not going to get it.
@Broken
I have been reading (lurking), the site, I still come here for support even though I don’t comment. Two things I have heard which really get me through, and really “click” for me.
I got this off a parenting site – advice from a 4 year old who told her mother she doesn’t need a best friend, because she is her own best friend. Which made me laugh. When did I stop being my own best friend? Shame on me!!
My father, a few weeks ago when I just thought I needed to runaway, gave me an example of my life as being pricked with a tiny little sword, at first all these, small thin wounds don’t even bleed, over the years the gashes become, slightly bigger and bigger, until finally, you have this huge wound, (some where). This is representative of your emotional being. How it comes out be it anxiety, drinking, running away, drugs, is to the individual. Then he presented me with the second part. There is a way for you to separate your self from the situation, and look at it from a mountain. Not from an emotional stand point. You are looking at your problems, from the inside out, instead of the outside in. You need to assess it from above, to lighten it up he made fun of me, and said “you know up from your throne and under your crown”. 👸 😐. (Yep, good ole dad, knows what say when your down). Then he says the key words “you were doing so good, what threw you off”. I didn’t know what to say! Took me a week, it was MY JUDGEMENT in September, what the mediator interpreted as “her truth” , my attorney, (who I figured out is a alcoholic, thank you for the thousands I spent,😡), NS and his “small mans syndrome” (the man is 4 feet tall, ok) attorney, and NS and his concubines attempting his smear campaign against me, (child support people, child protective services people, school administrators, police departments, yeah I know!). It all just shook me so bad, it knocked me down. Well it’s most certainly not happening again.
If you do not allow it, it will not happen. I don’t not have to defend myself, especially if I have done nothing wrong. Which is the absolute greatest thing about the truth. It’s unrehearsed and it’s always the same. I just know, and it actually really makes me feel good, knowing I would never stoop to this level of patheticness to make another persons life soo miserable. I have better things to do. Like living my life and making it smacktacular!!
Have a great day everyone, 😘
NIBSIH xoxox
I met my aspd boyfriend years ago. He asked me out relentlessly for many years. Always funny and charming, never pushy. After getting out of a bad relationship in sept of ’12, I finally said yes to a date in jan of ’13. I was very nervous. He had a beautiful home, 2 vehicles, and was a complete gentleman. We talked all night, he took me to nice places downtown. I was so shocked that I had put off such a great man for so long. We instantly connected, but he was “in between jobs” and constantly stressed. He had a troubled past but had not been incarcerated for almost a decade. He made me believe the old felony hendered him from succeeding. In feb, he asked to borrow some money (2300) and said he would pay me back the following Monday when the bank opened. I didn’t even hesitate. He had never let me down. Done so much for me that no one else had ever done before. Of course the following week, he went out of town for work. And things started drifting. On my birthday in march he tried to kill himself. I was in shock. We had been arguing about the money, but I had no idea the things I would uncover over the next year. While he was in the hospital, the cops raided his house. He never got in trouble for anything, but immediately shut me out. I was left heart broken and confused. And constantly trying to persuade him to pay me back, as I am a single mother and have no family. Easy target for a sociopath. In April I met another man. A good man. We were going strong and he was a real provider. Of course when my ex found out, he put it on strong. Showing up at my job, calling, texting, and convincing me that he had been going through so much that he didn’t realize what he had lost. After 3 months of mental anguish, I broke things off with the good guy, and took my ex back. It was just like old times….. For about a week. It’s a viscous cycle… He disappears, I get stronger, he comes back, and then I’m crushed again when it doesn’t work. Around Christmas time we reconnected after months of me doing my own thing and while missing him, finding happiness alone. We were fine, until I get a call from jail. I left him in jail for 6 weeks. In the meantime, I uncovered so many lies. And crimes. I wrote him a letter, which I regret… Because it started the cycle again. I went to visit him in jail. He used his fake tears, and empty promises… Pleading if I got him out he would pay me back the next day. I knew better… He never paid a dime on his old debt. But I got him out anyway. Then the real nightmare started. He confessed to so many crimes and lies, and I am blindsided. We stopped talking 3 days after he got out, because he wasn’t going to pay me back, the cops pulled me over and searched me. I realized what I was dealing with… His family reached out and explained that he has aspd. After reading 2 books and several online blogs, I cannot believe how blind I’ve been. I showed up last week to check on him, he was hungry, broke, and totally calm. He acknowledges his problems. But that he can’t get help because he knows he will just dupe the dr. He is facing a lengthy prison sentence. He has told m he will kill himself before going back. We spent the weekend together, he was amazing. Until I got home and realized he had taken all my money. He denies it. This is so hard… He seems so genuine. Everyone loves him. He admits his mind doesn’t work like mine, and he scares himself. I cannot cut off contact yet… I just was faced with the harsh reality of who he is 3 weeks ago. Now it’s picking apart every detail of this “relationship” and realizing it was all a calculated plan. He shows signs of inprovement with his actions lately. Taking care of responsibility. But I know this is hopeless, and won’t last long. He has never been violent. He has never talked down to me. He has always helped me when I needed. He gave me 400 yesterday, because I needed to pay for a bill. But in my head, it was probably from the money he stole from me. This is a complete mind fuck. I only feel happy when I am with him. But when I am without him, I realize the poison he inflicts on my life and heart. Knowing his disorder has helped in the healing process. But I can’t stop loving him… Even though I know the man I love, is not the man he is…
You are at the beginning point in coming out of the FOG. At that point you are wrestling between the rational side of you (knowing what he and his actions are truly about) and the emotional side of you (the love you have for him). It is a very agonizing time as you can have emotional shifts from hour to hour, if not minute by minute.
However, as is discussed throughout this site, you must go and maintain No Contact. NO Contact allows you regain emotional and physical strength which then leads to clarity of thought and mind. You will be able to see things much clearer after 2-3 months of NC. Things you aren’t able to see or comprehend when caught in the conflicting storm of emotion and logic.
As for the money, write it off. It is a hook they use to keep you near and in their game. Yes, mine also would occasionally give back small sums from time to time but over time the ledger balance inevitably increased in her favor during her never ending times of need. Money can eventually be replaced, mental and emotional well being is much harder to reimburse.
Boundaries have been set. He is not allowed around my children. It’s obvious that the relationship has no future. But my biggest fear is that he will end his life, vs going to prison, and I will have been forcing myself not to talk to him, and regret not spending time with him before he’s gone. He acknowledges his faults. And hates himself. And wishes his brain worked like ours. And that gives me a false sense of hope. He has been tryin to do the right thing… But we both know it won’t last long. He will get bored. And crave the rush, that only stealing gives him. He has the best mAnners, takes care of himself and his home. But hurts every person who loves him. Has no relationship with his daughter. But has a great family and shows love the only way he knows how. But he doesn’t have any regard for what his actions do to those that love him. All of this is just so hard to take in. He is a master manipulator, but always comes clean to me. His family says he has never admitted to anyone about the disorder, or of his crimes and lies. And yet, I am his safe spot. Which puts me in an unsafe spot. At this point, I don’t know what to do. How do you just stop loving someone? When he is so lovable. Everyone adores him. But his disorder drives everyone away. How is it possible that he doesn’t have feelings, when he admits to wrong doings and knows the difference between right and wrong… He says he just can’t control it on impulse, and then realizes when it’s too late what he’s done. And says that’s not who he wants to be…. This is a living hell. I wish I couldn’t feel.
The threatening of suicide is a common tactic known as emotional blackmail. It is a hook played on all the elements of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). You love them. You fear they will kill themselves. You are obligated to ensure it doesn’t happen since you are the only one who understands and is there for them. You imagine how guilty you would feel if they actually carry through on the threat. Deep, dark hooks wrapped around your heart.
Mine was not ready to leave me but after catching her (without her knowing) of some horrendous frauds against me (one fraud also involving a prison story and my paying large sums to alleviate the problem), it was necessary to break-up for my own personal and financial safety. She threatened suicide. She mentioned in the past that would be her course of action if we ever broke up. I was wracked emotionally for weeks just waiting for the news of her death. It never happened. She moved on and stopped trying to contact me after 4 months. However, I steeled myself against the possibility of it actually occurring by reading articles on emotional blackmail and how no person can actually be responsible for another’s personal decision to take that step. Suicide is a wholly personal decision. Was I emotionally torn? You can bet I was! However, 7 months out I now see it as just another in the series of manipulative events and tactics she used against me. Most of those events and tactics only became clear after sufficient time and distance was established after the lifting of the FOG and NC was established.
To paraphrase a comment I read on this site in the past ” When you find yourself playing detective to try and understand a relationship you are in, it is time to get out of that relationship.”
Stay strong and think about you! Lots of Love AGPT
I like that a good plant Fear Obligation Guilt that is clever, where did you get that from? It is so true as well.
Hi Positiva,
I posted a reply yesterday but it has not come up. Maybe because I included a link in it. I first heard of FOG at a website called Out of the FOG. It is an information and support site for people with family members and/or loved ones with a personality disorder. I found it when I was being emotionally blackmailed with suicide threats.
My nightmare-
I met this man online, Just having left an abusive husband I was naive. We talked online for a few days then met. Instantly I was amazed at how well we clicked; how much was in common. Over the months he would give me sob stories on how he was the victim of the manipulative cheating wife, and how she refused to sign divorce papers. I fell in love with him, a love i didnt know actually existed it was that deep.
He seemed so kind caring and compassionate. He has a house, car, job , seemed like he had money and so on.
The first year was fabulous. One year in my oldest child began having some emotional issues. He seemed very supportive, and grew closer and closer to me. We began talking of moving in together. He would sell his home, any profit split between him and his wife, get that pesky divorce done (still not filed to this day) The profit would go into building up and re-doing our “aka my” home. He would split the responsibilities of bills with me and so on.
As talks of this began my mother went out of remission from, her cancer. At this point he began wanting a child. Not only did i want him to have a child that was “ours” but i also wanted to help my mom ewith the umbilical cord blood, so I did get pregnant with our daughter. Once i was pregnant he moved in to my house. His house never went to market for sale- foreclosed on and gone- When he moved in the sexual side went to shit, and i began finding emails to another woman- He swore it was harmless, and i believed him. My mother passed when i was 5 months pregnant.
My oldest child already in crisis couldn’t handle this loss and spiraled out of control- drugs-alcohol-sex. And I ended up in the hospital for a week. After being released things seemed fine, normal great even. Then my daughter got in trouble- from there she ran away and claimed that he tried to molest her while i was in the hospital.
At first i wanted to kill him, then he took a lie detector which was inconclusive, the police believe him, my daughter was in heavy counseling and the counselor didn’t believe she was being truthful; something i will never forgive myself for, i took his side of the truth.
My baby was born and a couple months passed and postpartum along with the death of my mother hit me so hard that I couldn’t tell up from down, i begged him for help. His way of helping was to introduce me to drugs, all sorts of drugs that always had nice nicknames. As he would get so high he couldn’t move, I would be trying to end my life, Finally, the police were called and he was arrested while high and in possession of pcp. I should have left then I know. But couldnt do that to the man i was so in love with. Honestly he wouldnt have even done anything that would harm me….would he?
He got released from prison after six weeks and he swore all the change in the world. I believed him. A year would go buy and i waited for that change that he promised slowly the fog that was my life began to lift and i started going back and documenting every thing I bought him, all the expenses and was astonished to find out he owed me nearly $50,000. How, Im not an idiot, I;m responsible stable, have my own home, raise my kids well, pay my bills, how could this be… I gave him 3 months to change. He took those three months and did nothing. I threw him out. This should have been the end.
Within a month he was wooing me all over again, fake tears with words and flowers, dates which he had never paid for in all this time, and i could only see the poor victim of his past. Eventually he moved back in. Several more months passed and some gut feeling made me look through his phone, im not a snooper and i never had really before, but what i found women…several at that….Crying screaming nothing happened, i threw him out anyway.
The next seven months, trying to convince me how he is changed- changing and will change…I began to believe his lies once again…maybe I am a touch of an idiot… Then on st.pattys day he was suppose to pick our daughter up and take her for the night, He gave me a bullshit excuse because of the parade he wouldn’t have parking could he stay on my couch and take her to the park the next day.. I was going out with a girl friend so it didn’t really matter to me. I came home after way too many drinks and passed out hard. i only have blips of what happened. But in the morning when I woke i was half undressed and in pain. Violent nature’d abuse took place,, I don’t know with what or even how I just know it did. And I was angry. He swore i was wide awake talking sober. That i know did not happen. I should have reported it. I didn’t because of our daughter and him screaming how could i think he would do such a thing even though he did…
One week later i am driving down the road with my daughter less then a mile from my home on a road im nearly never on, and I look over to the parking lot of a drug/ prostitute filled hotel and who do I see,,,,yup
The next afternoon he returns my call and denies everything for an hour till finally he was there all night but nothing happened he needed to see if what he felt for me was real and now (seven years later to the day may i add knows it is and couldn’t do anything with whom or what ever he was with) Yea ok, i’m sure they just played scrabble all night.
All in all I am out 7 years, 50,000 all self esteem, have done things I will forever regret, have lost all respect for my self; have to go for a full std and HIV panel and Have a man who keeps texting he will never give up because we were meant to be together, yet has only paid $300.00 in 4 years for his child. We are most defiantly at the no contact point and will be for as long as i live…Just pray that my baby will not be harmed by this soulless thing that invaded my life.
I am new here. I feel like I’ve been cordoned off and now I’m just beginning to see exactly who I’ve been with for the last 6yrs. I need to know that it’s safe for me to talk here. I’m scared and I need someone who wants to listen. 😦
Hello PoS & PR,
I stumbled across Sarah Tate’s book called “web of Lies,” on a search and read the beginning sample and it sounds really enlightening. (YES I ordered it:)
Hello POS & PR,
Laid in bed with emotional “DT’s” (delirium toxins) last night. I felt like my heart was going to rip its way out of my chest. I can’t believe that another woman who could care less about me has this power over me in the middle of the night when she is probably out banging some other guy for fun.
I don’t know how to explain it….. It took me years to understand, probably longer for it to get through. The “man” I fell in love with does not exist in the body it walks around in, the NS I married. When people ask me ((ALL THE TIME)) “EEWW, WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM?” The only reply I have is “When I married him, he wasn’t like THAT”! Which is very true, he was mirroring exactly what I wanted, the image of MY PERFECT MAN, (which I have to say, is pretty hard, because I am incredibly stubborn, demanding and I high expectations of everyone and myself, so he pulled it off for a long time, must of been miserable for him to be married to me!). So the “women” you fell in love with, isn’t real, just the body is. The mind and soul, were and are FAKE, not just to you, but to everyone. A WARM BODY, I am sorry, that is the most disgusting part to me, if you can’t love me mind and soul, you don’t get the body, because I too can find a warm body anywhere, I choose not to, I just value myself more. The NS uses physical contact as a means of control, not just sex, all physical contact. ((Which is bullshit,😡)). Know what the weapons of choice are, do not let them be used against you.
When NS first left, I had the hardest time learning to be alone, and liking my OWN company, until I realized I was never truly alone, God has always been with me, and I my adult life, who had been taking care of everything? Me! So me and God! WTH!! I was so mad I could kick my own ass! Lol. It’s rediscovering YOU, it’s a healing process, focus on what your doing, not her. Be happy you have no children together, the NS and I have minor children, he tries to upset me, too bad, I am over that.
*** My dad is the best ever! He is on me to read this book, sigh, it’s on my book-to-do list, this is where he got the theory from, and several others. I guess when you retire you can read all the books you want on the beach in Hawaii, 😐
“The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable” by Nassim Nicholas Taleb
Okay, pray for me 🙏 ((more for them)), calling Apple, you know I messed my computer up AGAIN!
@NIBSIH,
You are just too much! Man, what a rush of positive energy, wisdom and expression you pump out! Good job. I truly love the way you talk about your dad and his insight, which you seem to possess as well.
I’m trying to draw my strength from my dad too. He is 80 yrs. old, and an amazing person. I talked to him today about my troubles. His advice wasn’t what I had expected. When he said he had something for me to read I had no idea that it would be for self-reflection (as your father too encouraged). I thought it would be about evil people.
Nope. It wasn’t. It encourages one to look within themselves. Sarah Tate talks about self-reflection as being the healing catalyst in her book “Web of Lies” It’s the journey into one’s self that often delivers them from ruin. The poem my dad shared with me is called, “The Man in the Glass (or MIrror). Here it is:
The Guy in the Glass Poem (Man in the Mirror)
When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you king for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t a man’s father, mother or wife,
Whose judgement upon him must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in life,
Is the man staring back from the glass.
He’s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end,
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test,
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But the final reward will be heartache and tears,
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
= Dale Wimbrow, first published in The American Magazine in 1934.
Wow! That pretty much sums it up! Now why aren’t children learning THIS in school? Oh – it’s to much like real life!
NIBSIH.
Hiya Broken 🙂
I hope you are doing really well 🙂
Keep going 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR,
I’m plugging along. I go through ups & downs regarding the NS, but remain no contact, except for, as I told POS, some of my friends, who meant well, informed me she was on multiple date hookup sites.
I’m focusing on getting through the day and know I’ll feel differently soon
@nibsih A great week to you too. We are stronger and wiser and have learned the hard way that they don’t define us and they don’t deserve any acknowledgement when they have their tantrums. …I’m just enjoying how everything is resolving to a best way without him on the way…best wishes on your communucation with the lawyer
Actually, I would listen to a small man who charged me $450 an hour! So he’s charging NS to speak to me and him, and I will be speaking very slowly to his attorney.
This website does not work well on my phone. Started to reply and got cut off….
He has been acting so crazy. Stealing like there is no consequence. Lying. And using any drug he can get his hands on. Making no contact much easier. While I still have answered his daily calls, he knows I know the truth and hasn’t been running the usual game. He has court tomorrow morning. While it’s supposed to be reset, he has not paid the remainder of his bail- or checked into bail bonds like he is supposed to. So his family and I are hoping his bond will be revoked- and then he is facing a lengthy sentence. He thrives in jail. Structure! I do love him. But I know he has said he would rather kill himself or suicide by cop. His cocky ass is expecting to walk out a free man… So hopefully he doesn’t and I can move forward. I did well with no contact while he was in jail before. When he is out- he just shows up when I don’t answer. I am sad for his troubled mind. Thankful for the love he showed me- even if it wasn’t real.. If I can love the wrong man this deeply, I can surely look forward to real love with the right man. I am coming out of the fog. Have a lot of healing to do. His mom has been an amazing supporter to me. Explaining everything and uncovering lies. We have worked together to find truth in his stories. We are ready for peace. I love him so much, even with his faults. But I want to love this deeply and have the person feel it. And give it back…..
I’m scared he will come home tomorrow and this nightmare will continue until his sentencing…. It is too hard not to contact him when I know he’s home. And I just have a hard time believing his “feelings” aren’t genuine. But I am learning! I am exhausted- and ready for a new beginning.
I think that they can have well I don’t know if its feelings. I suppose it is, but its more ownership, possession and control. If that makes sense. its not unconditional. They can move on quickly should they choose, despite you were the love of their life an hour ago. So its fickle its different, but – its all that they know
Mine would say the same thing. “You’d believe anyone” “you love the drama, you make it up in your head” “you let people get in your head and that’s why we will never work” “you wouldn’t understand so I needed Time away” life is a game to them
@ Broken,
It does get easier & it’s a damn hard road but, in order to get free, you have to walk it, there is no easy way. Just know that happiness is not a destination it’s a way of life & you get to choose, i choose NC & some days are crappy but, they lessen in time & I am happier the majority of the time 😃
Happy days are now outweighing the sad days so, after 12 months, i feel changed but, for the better 😃
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
@PR,
Thank you lovely Phoenix. I gotta hang on to and find solace in the fact that
1, If she meets another good guy she is going to torture him with her bullshit and go through her own internal discomfort when she gets blown off.
I must admit that there’s even a chance that she will meet a guy who is as selfish as her. ANd, that there’s a chance that this/these guys will be unscrupulous once she pisses them off. I’m not sure if I find comfort in that.
It is amazing to hear my thoughts in others. Just when you feel like no one understands. He attempted suicide on my birthday last year. And continued to threaten several times. My mom committed suicide 10 years ago. Which he uses in his tactics. Knowing I won’t walk away.
I have struggled to accept his diagnosis. Finding reasons, little glimmers of hope, that maybe he doesn’t actually have it…. And maybe I’m the only one who really gets him. I have uncovered so many inconsistencies. And really don’t know why I have a hard time letting go. But atleast I want to now…
I stumbled across this page in desperate hope to understand him and his disorder…. Didn’t realize how helpful it would be. Part of me always hopes he will get help and learn to change his way of thinking, like his many drs have told him. He is smart enough to do it. But does not want to.
I guess I have some sick irrational dream that he will be cured and we will have back what we once had… But the rational, smart side of me knows it will never happen.
I spent last weekend with him. I left so exhausted and mentally drained. I cried all weekend. Off and on. Switching between highs and lows. I left with a sense of closure… Like that is not what I want out of life. I wanted the dream he sold me. That he calculated up to fit my wants and needs. And financially he has sucked me dry several times… With a better excuse each time. Court is in an hour and I am just praying that he is either arrested. Or I am strong enough to continue my current thought process.
Thank you for the amazing words of wisdom. You have no idea the impact of your message. Thank you
@broken….I always think, if the person my Spath married is nice or nicer than me, she is going to get screwed big time. If she isn’t as nice as me or isn’t nice, he is going to find a new source pretty quickly. The man has no loyalty or morals, even telling me how he loves me while his wife was pregnant.
@ Broken 😃
It truly doesn’t matter what she does ir how she ends up really. As long as you aren’t lonely & you won’t be, i am sure of that. I am single & loving my own company 😃i was actually more alone with my Soc than I am now!
Its all about perception as i have said before. My Soc is not happy, never will be as they are never satisfied, like a bucket with holes in it, fill up, runs out & they keep refilling & running empty.
My bucket has no holes in it 😃😘
Be kind & love yourself & some one fantastic will hopefully appear & if not, who gives a sh*t, you will be happy within & living & loving yourself silly!
My life us truly full of love, great friends, family & even my dog us gorgeous! What more could i ask for,?
Nothing!
PR xoxo
Dating a Sociopath 
I regret meeting and staying with a sociopath who has never gotten to know me properly due to lack of respect. From day one i have been accused of ridiculous things causing me to try and prove my innocence and good nature until i’m going insane and blue in the face and apparently i have slept with everyman i know thus losing my phones any facebook accounts i ever had by changing the email address and account names leaving all them good people i know thinking wtf?! pc’s being keylogged new phones being app blocked and any account histories in every media i have ever used being thoroughly read and beating me when i try and ask why we cant be equal as he still lives the life he had before we met a twitter account full of whores strippers lap dancers and women and a facebook account of just women and the freedom to do as he pleases as in chat rooms and using any site without a fear of being beaten for it or being called a slut or a whore or accused of speaking to anyone behind my back! just only difference is he has sex on tap now whilst i sit alone daily emotionally broken and in complete despair and confused of how, why and oh my god . Even though he has proof he still to this day wont even allow me to call or see any of my old friends be it male or female. I had many more male friends than female even though i went to an all girls school… yes that right all my friends where from childhood or college and i’m in my 30′s kinda proving i am not a slut as all them men wouldn’t have been such good close friends. I know hes has also cheated on me out of spite and to get back at me for all these horrible things he thinks i have done although only admitted it once out of spite as he took something i said the wrong way and he thought i had gone out the night before when i hadn’t he then realized he read it wrong later on then said it wasn’t true …. true torture! painful and so so frustrating. He has hit me over messages i wrote to my old good friends as i left x x x x in them …. one message was to an old colleague who had just lost his sister who he often spoke to me about at work i had also just lost my mum and all i wrote was im so sorry to hear about your sister lets have lunch chat and go window shopping take care always around to talk x…. innocent im just a caring person.. another message was a reply to some guy that was an old friend but we had about a month relationship that was just alot of fun and years and years and years ago! but was better off just being friends in fact this pal had gone on to get married but was separated by the time he sent me a message that my boyfriend read. he wrote to me out of guilt as id put a sh*tty message up on facebook about the people that should have been at my mums funeral but didn’t come. It was an innocent message and if my boyfriend had read it properly and not made it all up what was on the screen he would have seen it was all about how great my new boyfriend was and how he turned up in my life just after my mum had died was a blessing… naturally the friend was over the moon for us. He says im not allowed any friends that ive had any sexual contact with so that obviously means any man at all.. ive been repeatedly kicked up my tail bone with shoes on, for his paranoia with no remorse or apology puched in the face with no remorse or apology punched in the ribs with no remorse or apology kicked in the ribs with no remorse or apology kicked in the groin with no remorse or apology beaten round my head and ears with no remorse or apology picked up and thrown with no remorse or apology publicly humiliated with no remorse or apology numerous times and all for asking questions of why and trying to prove my innocence and fight for my rights and show him his behaviour oh and also for when hes having one of his fairytale moments and make 100 out off 2 about something in his head… im now nearly 2 months pregnant by this monster …. i was meant to be grieving for my mum but all i have done is cry over all this… he found a local counseling site i had been looking at on the same day i found his porn with a meet a f**k option on it… he had nothing to say on the topic of what i had found but abused me verbally and though me at full force to the ground for seeking help over the lose of my mum and broke up with me with a full on drama but creeped back in .He has completely ruined my home everything is broken or has had something thrown all over it. My walls are covered in coffee and milk my expensive music equipment damaged and loads more my healthy bank account is now empty due to his irrational ideas and decisions and hes enjoyed a yr of helping himself to ebay through my account all of which i had no say in.. im now completely dependent on him due to him getting on my tenancy and couple claiming.The most hilarious part is he now thinks im the crazy one due to this counseling thing that ive not even rang as i cant because the number will show on any bills on anything i use and he checks emails and anything else even though im too scared to use anything.He still thinks i sit here daily chatting to men all day and being a slag thus obviously justifying his dirty secret life as ive realised all he blames and accuses me of from day one is what hes been up to all his life and behind my back. I asked to day if i could keep my phone on me he then called me a slut and slapped me round the head and went out. what a cnut .This is the first time i have spoken out about my life and i could go on for hrs i hope this helps anyone else like me realise your not alone..i am all that he seeks in a women hes just to ill to see it..
I regret the day i met him
x
Hi and welcome to the site. Your words echo my experiences. Constant allegations that have no bearing on truth or reality.
Are you in the UK? Have there been police involvement his violence against you? When you say he is on your tenancy is this council or housing association tenancy? Do you have children?
I might be able to offer advice to help you if you are in UK and you are in social housing. …
Are you receiving suppport for the violence against you?=
I am glad you found us, welcome to the site.
Well done for this being the first time you have spoken out. I hope you continue to do so.
I get through my days now by reading and educating myself. I don’t even know if he is soc but hes definatly not right. Hes great with my kid and they took to each other from day one. All the parents at the school think hes great and the numerous kids parties last summer he attended with us and was great fun although the abuse had started. He doesn’t come to any parties now and when i came home from one not so long ago i turned my laptop on to find a busty women on my screen looking to meet local men on craigs list. I get abused over petty crap and he can do this? what other sites do you troll? im thinking so my insecurity is now beginning to set in. Then he starts flirting with one of the married parents at the school the only mate im allowed … she knows my story and is my only ears until now i hate pestering her. she invited me out after school and we had drinks this is still fairly early on in our relationship… he rings and i tell him to meet us. My mate is very glamorous and good fun and a bit flirty but thts just her and i like her so its fine. We sit waiting for him whilst she tells me im so lucky hes great all the parties he comes to and all the love he has for my kid and helping me with school runs etc etc so im sitting all happy cant wait to see him… he arrives from behind me i jump up to hug him hes all eyes on her and half hugs back he then pulls up a chair practically on her lap and sits opposite me. My mate has a small bite which she is scratching and she makes a comment about whilst pulling her top down alittle near top of her breast. He almost puts his face there and makes a comment im sitting half mortified by this as only a few weeks before hed taken my phone and destroyed any life i had outside of him because of phantom men in his head. They are shocked that im a tad p*ssed off and he says oh sorry im not allowed to talk to women!!!! i then look the complete prick and so hurt by the twistedness that i think was the first time i saw how twisted he is.i have also found out he was trying to take pics of her whilst i was in the loo once at her house.I got a beating once just for finding photos on an old ipod shuffle thing that an old mate had left here pics of us all as kids out raving :). I cant get rid of this its ok for you to do as you pls but innocent me who doesnt even look at men in a sexual way as most friends where male has to change her whole life to suit you because you think im something im not? feeling in my stomach i feel violated and broken …. im just so confused and angry so many scenarios. He text msgs people on my phone and facebook pretending to be me and he a general liability at times. Hell be crazy one minute over somthing rediculous or me asking him to repeat what hes just said and he thinks im arguing with him!? and the next minute hes the most lovable and gentle man ive ever met …. but hes never intrested in my feelings although gentle and loving …. just very odd …. is he a soc?
much love and many thanks i will be back …. and i beg anyone reading daily like me to please post …. be heard x
Hi JJ, how hurtful for this to happen with your friend. Aargh the double standards, of accusing you of what they are like themselves, they think that everyone else is like them, and thinks like them. They can’t quite figure it out.
You say that he gave you a beating for finding phottos on an old ipod shuffle? Are you still with him? If this man is violent towards you, (and in fact all the other things that you describe) you really do need to get out. As from my experience, it doesn’t get better, it only gets worse. Whether you are with him, or not with him, welcome to the site. I do apologise for taking so long to allow your comment through, unfortunately it had gone to the pending and I didn’t see it.
For me, the best way to describe my relationship with my ex sociopath is having danced with the devil. It’s been a year and a half since I ended that relationship, but I still struggle accepting what happened. We were together for seven years. He was my childhood sweetheart. I loved him like I loved no other. For me it was a sacred relationship; my dream come true. For the first year I was so happy, so in love and really felt I would be with this man the rest of this life and the next. Thank God I didn’t marry him. Little did I know how terribly devastating this would end. He brainwashed my two sons into believing I was the reason the relationship didn’t work. Unfortunately I have dealt with bouts of clinical depression my whole life and experienced a really bad bout while we together and was hospitalized. He made people believe I was crazy. I even questioned myself. I started researching his behavior and stumbled upon sociopath symptoms. Him to a “T”. I think what hurts the most is that I was alone in this relationship emotionally. He didn’t love me, didn’t mean anything he said to me and I just cannot fathom how any individual can be so emotionless. He was an unbelievable actor. I thought it weird how he loved everything I loved and disliked everything I disliked. Guess that’s part of their wicked game.
I am grateful for websites like this because no one, including therapists, can truly understand what this feels like unless they’ve experienced it first-hand. I just don’t know how to put closure on this and move on. Some days are easier than others, but I find myself missing him from time to time and then have to shake myself back to reality and remind myself he is just an actor. It really hurts.
When I ended this relationship, his mother (his own mother) sent me a message saying she was so glad I ‘woke up’. She told me to think twice about ever getting back with him and try to rebuild my life. By the way, I knew his parents my whole life. They were like family. His parents and my parents were so close as he and I were growing up. The whole situation is sickening. I really struggle with trust now and don’t know if I will ever have another serious relationship. I have not dated and really have no interest either. I wish I could be hypnotized to forget the last seven years. I just want to forget, but each day I am haunted by what he’s done to me and my life emotionally, financially and spiritually.
Thank you, positivagirl, for creating this website and for those who have shared their experiences.
I know without doubt that this experience will always be at the forefront of my mind, but I hope and pray for the strength not to continue dwelling on it. I know I said this before, but it is really troubling to know there are people without emotions. I can’t imagine living life like that.
@Broken,
Wow! She really is just charming 😔
I wish you would go No Contact because no one should speak to you like that 😔
I hope you find a way to free yourself of her ‘popping in’, as it really is the only way to go 😃
I’d like you to give up smoking too 😃but, one bad habit at a time my friend 😁😜🙏
Take care & i hope your leg heals really quickly so, if she ‘pops in’, you can give her a good swift kick up her kitten butt!
Lol.
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
@lyss….who cares if some people were not with a Sociopath. The majority of people on here have come out of a relationship that was abusive. If coming on here is what helps their healing process or help them get out of a toxic relationship, than that can only be a positive thing.
My Story
i met my sociopath in 2005 and he seemed really nice, he was a good listener and helped me when i was moving and i had left a long term relationship in fact my marrage, We went on holiday and i fell pregnant with our daughter, then i started to realise he was not normal, he didn’t like my sons and we had rows about my relationship he even stopped me calling my son,
I Went into labour and at the hospital he shouted out ”oh now i suppose we just need to find out who the father is?” When i gave birth to our daughter he was drinking cans of larger secretly and the midwife told him off and to hold me and help the baby come, she found the cans and threw him out. the next morning i wanted to come home but he told me he can’t come and get me as he would lose money at work so can’t i just get a bus!!!
he told me he was going to the pub and i wasn’t allowed (he has said that i was an embarrassment as i alway started an argument, but this is because he used to tell me all the girls he’d been with and expected me to make freinds with then) and he took our baby and when i came to the pub and asked where she was, he said ”she’s ok a couple that were sitting over there have taken her for a drive, You go home and ring me on the landline then i will come back with her when i’m good and ready” so i had to do what he said, she seperated and he had no contact for 6 months and no child support plus he had people spying on me. He sent me a picture of himself in hospital with tubes in and out and made me feel sorry for him so i agreed to meet him, he promised he wouldn’t be horrid anymore and he needs me can’t live without me and he wouldn’t treat me bad anymore and i should give him another chance and he wants to marry me. like an idiot i believed him and took him back but i was thinking it be best for our daughter to have us both as a family.
we had moved to a flat but we go together and moved to a house. he started belittling me and isolating me from everyone, he threatened to kill my friends and i found text messages and pictures from various girls
i made a plan to leave and he found out and we had a big row, i left and had to find a home which was really difficult as had no help from the council.
after about 6 months again we got back together and it just got worse than ever, he became more critical and still having affairs and gas lighting, i was walking on eggshells and he threatened to kill me as he strangled me but everytime i called the police he would twist it around telling them i was crazy on drugs and drink and i had strangle him, i was then arrested. he kept reporting me to social services and police and he would take our daughter from nursery or school and keeping her i had no contact and didn’t see her until i got to court and obtained a prohibited steps order, he’s made loads of false allegations saying i am violent and smack our daughter so now the social beleive him and has given him the control and i have to have supervised contact. there is no evidence just his words and i have no legal help, no money, nearly lost my home but i will keep trying to get the courts to see what he is like and get my daughter back, he is doing parential alienating me from her, i try calling her and he is now stopping that, he’s told her she cant talk to my family and he says i should be gratefull that he has offered to supervise me.
There’s a lot more he has done but too much to list but you get the idea
All i can say is it like living in hell. She’s 7 now and he has had custody for a year and i feel her drifting further and further
I am sitting at my desk, preparing my case conference brief. My ex is taking me to court again. (Our youngest is 17. I have sole custody. He needs to win back custody before she turns 18 and ages out of the system.) I thought “how do I explain to the court that everything my ex accuses me of doing, are actually the things that he is doing”. And this is what I asked Google. And Google responded with your web site! Amazing! I have spent so much of the last 26 years feeling like a crazy person because of the twists he puts on every situation. And it has gotten exponentially worse since we divorced. The tangled web of lies, deceptions and manipulation is truly astounding. We were married for 20 years and the best way to describe our marriage is – confusing. I never knew which way was up. When we decided to split he told me that if I didn’t do everything he wanted me to do, he would destroy me. Well the whole reason I wanted out was so that I could do what I wanted, instead of what he wanted. And besides, I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. What I didn’t take into account was our daughters and how he would use them. Years later and our older 2 kids see him for who he is and they dictate the kind of relationship they want to have with him. He doesn’t like it, but it works for the girls. The youngest though, has some health problems and severe anxiety. It is devastating to see the way he manipulates her in his efforts to gain control, to win her from me (I don’t feel as if there is a contest as I’ve always encouraged the kids to have a relationship with their father, but he needs to win at something) and to hurt me. (Yes, his logic is that if I do something he doesn’t like, he takes it out on our daughter. He doesn’t like having to do that to her, but if that’s the only way I will learn to let him be in control, then he does what he has to do! ) Thank you so much for your web site. Finally others who understand the world that I’ve come from and won’t look at me as if I’m crazy … I hope??
Ah… the sociopath will always accuse you of what they are guilty of doing themselves.
https://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/08/the-sociopath-will-always-accuse-you-of-what-they-are-guilty-of-themself/
Take heart, that even if he manages to manipulate his daughter against you, if your older children see through him and what he is, it is likely that her older siblings will talk sense into her. How did the case conference go?
I am sitting at my desk, preparing my case conference brief. My ex is taking me to court again. (Our youngest is 17. I have sole custody. He needs to win back custody before she turns 18 and ages out of the system.) I thought “how do I explain to the court that everything my ex accuses me of doing, are actually the things that he is doing”. And this is what I asked Google. And Google responded with your web site! Amazing! I have spent so much of the last 26 years feeling like a crazy person because of the twists he puts on every situation. And it has gotten exponentially worse since we divorced. The tangled web of lies, deceptions and manipulation is truly astounding. We were married for 20 years and the best way to describe our marriage is – confusing. I never knew which way was up. When we decided to split he told me that if I didn’t do everything he wanted me to do, he would destroy me. Well the whole reason I wanted out was so that I could do what I wanted, instead of what he wanted. And besides, I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. What I didn’t take into account was our 3 daughters and how he would use them. Years later and our older 2 kids see him for who he is and they dictate the kind of relationship they want to have with him. He doesn’t like it, but it works for the girls. The youngest though, has some health problems and severe anxiety. It is devastating to see the way he manipulates her in his efforts to gain control, to win her from me (I don’t feel as if there is a contest as I’ve always encouraged the kids to have a relationship with their father, but he needs to win at something) and to hurt me. (Yes, his logic is that if I do something he doesn’t like, he takes it out on our daughter. He doesn’t like having to do that to her, but if that’s the only way I will learn to let him be in control, then he does what he has to do! ) Thank you so much for your web site. Finally others who understand the world that I’ve come from and won’t look at me as if I’m crazy … I hope??
Surely if she is almost 18 she can make her own mind up? Where are you in the world bin there?
She is a very confused girl. She lives with her Dad for the last 2 months. She has told many people that the reason she lives with him is because if she doesn’t live with him, he will never see her again. (he threatens to move) I overheard her tell someone this and the person responded “so he gave you an ultimatum?” My daughter replied yes, that’s exactly what he did. My daughter has her own lawyer to help her through the legal aspects of this mess, but my heart breaks for her. I know the games he plays with her will never end, but I also believe that they would be a lot less severe if I walked away from her. I just don’t think I can do that to her (or to myself!)
No absolutely we won’t look at you as crazy we understand.
Hi,,coming on here is really helping me work through all the mixture of total cruelty my one put me through, and I deffo dont think your crazy! the one thing you dont mention though is violence. was he also violent?
kind regards
@PR & POS,
During my convalescence I became a little bored, which gave way to a little self-pity, which eventually gave way to drinking too much beer. I was intoxicated 3 days in a row and decided I needed help so I reached out to the right group of people. I have been attending 12 step meetings for 5 days now and am feeling much better about my predicament and have a sense of well being and forward momentum. The sun is shining in my soul again, and the smile has returned to my face.
I get these alarming messages from her indicating that her youngest son, whom have a good relationship with (probably because he doesn’t live with her) was having trouble in school and wanted my advice on what to do. He’s a nice 12 year old kid. He’s been over to my apartment before and likes the one wall I have dedicated to my military & sports history. My own sons told me to do make “a wall” like that, so I did.
ANyway, her youngest son really liked that wall and him and I had an instant connection th efirst time he came over. I told her I would be willing to sit down with her youngest and talk to him and see if I can help. She agreed to bring him over that night with a pizza. Its very interesting that my x-spath showed up that night after my meeting alone & drunk, knowing I had just returned from an AA meeting. Her eyes looked blank and she had zero “connectedness.” I wasn’t shocked but deeply offended and asked her to leave. She fired back, “Yeah….there’s a guy I give rides to that goes to AA…sometimes we don’t make it to the meetings.” Christ what an evil bitch
@Broken 😃
You must stop all interaction with her & unfortunately her son as he is a conduit for her to you 😔
He will find his own path & you cannot save him as ultimately she will use him against you so, cut that tie ‘nicely’ while you can.
Your own sons sound like good boys so, concentrate on them.
Congratulations for entering the 12 steps as that takes great courage & self awareness.
You should be proud if yourself & do not let her keep putting you down 😔
Drinking is away to stop pain etc…so, look at the triggers & hopefully clear yourself of her & give you back control over your life.
My Dad was an alcholic who ended up with Korsacoff syndrome so, i have seen the full effects of alchohol & it’s reduction of ‘self’.
You can do this & I am happy to support you from afar 😃
Keep going my friend, you can beat this & her 😃
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
I’ve never met a bigger loser other than her son. The sad part as that there are so many out there.
The saving grace is that, just by virtue of the own pathetic lack of character, they have basically generally lonely lifes, which thye more than deserve
I wanted to clarify my last statement. It is her 24 yr. old son I think is a loser and parasite. Her younger son is not. I have a soft spot for the youngest son. Her 22 yr. old daughter is a good person and a winner, and the youngest son (age 11) is a good kid. The 14 yr. old is a narcissistic prick who Is loved by many in the public world but treats his family like shit. I try to feel sorry for the 14 yr. old, but his behavior makes it hard to feel anything but aversion. He is a kid however, and I teach teenagers. So, he gets a pass.
The 24 yr. is, like I said, a spath, without an ounce of reflection or character. Loads of good looks and charm however. Like his mother, he’s a real stud. He sponges off his grandmother, his 16 yr. old girlfriend’s family, and the good state of New York, which loves throwing money at people that have no intention of improving their lives. I remember asking “stud” how his first day of work went on one of his many stints. His response,..”The secretary told me I have nice eyes.”
I dated one near 2 years. A sociopath with a major in Narc and minor in sex addict. Worse year of my life (the last year) but didn’t recognize until it was over and all the lies and deception rose to the surface. Everything is clearer in retrospect isn’t it! The year I was Knee deep in it were what I refer to as the crazy making part. You become so confused between what your gut is telling you and what they are stuffing down your throat, that your head is just spinning. They love you , they love you! I mean who wants to argue with that? Right? Wrong!! It is another tactic! They don’t love you..they love themselves and the idea of what you might be able to do “for them”..end of story. They don’t leave you alone long enough to step back and think clear…that is a tactic of theirs for sure. They study you from day one, know what makes you tic, squirm, study your fears, your weaknesses, then bam, that is their emotional ammo. In my 40′s this socio thought it was his duty “to teach me how to love”…trying very hard to convince me “i was broke”, my past relationships so horrible, that he was the one I could now trust..to fix me….excuse me? Fix me? Yeah…guess what I’m just fine…is how I felt…but he continued and continued to shove that message down my throat….until i was gagging…literally..yet in the same breathe would preach how he believes you should not try to change people in a relationship. None of his tactics were obvious, they were always “in the name of love” with any and all arguments stemming from his need for more sexual gratification. When he came to realize that his sexual needs may get bad ‘media coverage’ he conveniently switched up the message to “physical attention”. That would play out better for him in the end, and better disguise his major/minor in sex addict. Who he really was , was kept very well hidden. Exposed only after we amicably ended things and then, the realities of who he was surface..my investigative abilities were now on in full force. You can tell alot about who a person really is when you get a tangible glimpse into their internet history..their use of dual facebook accounts, their private messages with woman you never knew existed. It is so unfortunate that many of us “targets” (don’t like the word victim) do not know the warning signs of such individuals until it is too late..then we read about it, and are shocked at how perfectly other targets are describing the EXACT same person…that is when we know and come to terms with what we were dealing with. Who would have thought such people even existed? If I could strongly suggest one very healing way to sift through the cra. zy that you are left with I encourage you to make a timeline, a timeline of events. It is like panning for gold, you will sift and sift and like gold the obvious will all rise to the top. Use your old texts and emails if you have them. You will remember by reading them again, the emotions that you felt at the time. You will see the sociopaths’ tactics in his replies and words. For myself, I found texts that were time stamped at the EXACT same minute he was texting another woman.. we were having quite a complex emotional exchange on text, while at the same time he was joking around with a woman he had an affair with. When confronted with this info, he accused me of not being able to muli task, then also tried to excuse the situation by saying we had been back and forth and back and forth on the whole topic so much that it was as easy as copy paste copy paste..and then of course would go on about how much he loved me. Look at all your tangible exchanges. Put them into a calendar and all will become crystal clear. Another example was sometimes he would text me ‘nite nite’ instead of his usual ‘nite hun xo or love you” when I searched old texts for the word NITE NITE, boom, there was all the times he said it, which exactly lined up with the times I caught him in lies, and omissions of truths or he already had something deceitful planned. It was like in his mind he had decided “today I don’t love her so I can be a flirt with other women, or a liar, or omit truths, and feel justified because I didn’t tell her I loved her today” It was truly chilling. Do your timelines. See that you were targeted, as someone possibly capable of supplying the sociopath with getting only their needs met. Be grateful you are free now. They cannot suck from you any longer, or continue with the crazy making. They are not broken, as they like to pretend, they are just plain old parasitic creeps. Cork a bottle of wine and celebrate your escape.
Great comment thank you. Welcome to the site!!
! .
Great comment, you hit the nail on the head – absolutely!! Thank you. 🙂
I am at work..just found this site. I will be reading more tonight. I am at coming to the end of my nightmare…welll I hope. I just read my life for the past 3 years. Only 3 but feels like an eternity. So much to read, so much to say..so much….Protectives Orders, court…thank you for creating this site..will be back later.
Welcome to the site Kristina please let me know If you need me to amend your name. I cant do it from my phone but will on my computer if you need me to.
Having a bit of a hard day today. Feeling quite anxious since last night. Gotta keep pushing forward. I got a message from my Spath and I think that has triggered it. Not really “I think” but “I know” it has triggered it. I wish I never met him cause I wouldn’t have developed anxiety.
He told me that we are family and that I am the aunty of his new baby (this is the baby he had with his new wife, that he cheated on me with and married her without me knowing, and then put it all back onto me because I was “crazy” and “anxious” before the whole marriage incident). He also said that I could come over for a visit. WTF. Why would I ever have the desire to go to his house and see his new baby and his wife? Is he completely delusional in thinking that me being there will be any good for his wife or for me? Selfish man. Is it his way to try and prove to me that his wife knows about me and how his marriage isn’t real (although no relationship with him is real!). Or perhaps he is just after money. Or perhaps both. Why try and mess with my head and try and get to me. I replied with “Really?! You think WE are family?!” Wow, if the way he has treated me is an example of how he treats his family, I would hate to be his enemy!
OMG Ex Def,
That is beyond psychopathy, that is completely unhinged. Stay away from him. Are you NC? If not, please do so right now.
That is so far wrong and out there fucked up. What a friggin looney. I would say he suffers from some kind of insanity beyond a personality disorder. I’m not saying this to make you feel better, I’m saying it because those comments of his are so far outside of normal it has to be crazy.
Please block him completely.
Peace and love and strength
Xx
@Exdef, they feed themselves with chaos, their nutrition is the tears, the screams, the pleas that they created with their insanity. He is looking for more “food” and it’s just testing the waters. Before, when we were under they shadow we saw their contact as a “he miss me, maybe now..” Now that we are under the light we are able to understand that they just want to devour us….as my Pinnochio told me one time, “I dream I am an animal and at last I can eat you, and at last you were mine”….creepy…So please, don’t react he will see that he have to satisfy his “hunger” on other place…
Thank you It is Done. My best friend said to me the same thing. We did have a good laugh at his expense. I am still in shock with his suggestion. I think it is to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and to pull me into his little games again. It didn’t work this time, it just made me feel all creeped out and sorry for his wife that she is married to him.
Yes, I have been doing NC. It has been on and off for the past year but this year I have hardly spoken to him and my mind is no longer foggy and I feel less anxious and a lot stronger. I also see that I am not the crazy one as his actions are far from normal.
Good for you ex def. They are such arseholes and their crazy making makes you question yourself because they act as if its perfectly normal therefore it must be us. It’s not – it is far from normal. The are disgusting messed up emotionless losers. Good riddance!
Xx
Hi Ex 🙂
He’s just playing games with your head & probably the OW for the ‘triangulation’ etc…& yes, completely loopy la la whack job 😦
The thing you must remember is that to him, this is ‘normal’ behaviour as his view of the world is skewed!
Having dealt with this bizarre type & still supporting the OW in my saga, it’s commonplace for these dicks, to view us all like fools.
However we are not & they are the biggest fools I’ve ever come across.
The sense of entitlement that they feel is amazing & they think nothing of doing what they do.
Look up cognitive dissonance etc…read & learn to free yourself 🙂
Stay No Contact as they like to provoke any type of reaction be it positive or negative. They want to ‘stay in’ your life & will keep coming back & unless you find your own ‘Power’, he will keep you trapped in your anxiety forever.
I know this because I have walked this road 😦 they are time wasters so, time is precious & so are you 🙂
The secret is, keep working on you & stay here for support 🙂
You are not alone & you will eventually ‘break the ties’ that he has secured around your mind & heart.
There is no easy answer 😦
Accept that you are dealing with a full blown deranged mind & use all your protections.
Get therapy, keep busy, meet new people & stay with positive people.
Avoid the ‘blues’ by surrounding yourself with spiritual & real people that lift you up etc…encourage yourself 🙂
Above all else, never ever give in to this ‘fools game’.
No Contact is the only way to ‘cut off his supply of you’.
Believe me, it’s the only way out & I have seen a woman stay trapped for her whole life with this crapola! 😦
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Thank you for your comments. He is proving to be more and more of a complete looney. So I am good enough to be an aunty to his child but not good enough to be a mother? Good riddance to a loser. Seriously warped mind.
I am just glad I discovered all of this before wasting more years waiting for him and also didn’t end up going down the road of having children or marrying him. I would be in a very deep, dark depression by now. I give it another year before his wife starts to realise what an awful, deceiving, lying bastard she has married, if she hasn’t already. He is a man with many secrets and has a way of hiding them all.
I just can’t believe that God allows this kind of person to have a child but people like me, who are kind, generous and loving, are not blessed with any. Mind you, if I didn’t waste 3 years of my life with him, maybe I would have by now.
I hope karma bites him on the ass very, very hard, that he will never be able to recover from it.
@ Broken 🙂
I think that regardless of her good kids etc…either go full NC with her & her family the good & bad etc…or continue to hang with the enablers & followers?
My Soc had one nice adult child & two enablers etc…i cut ties with them all regardless. When its over, its over or you just keep going around the same cycle.
There are good folk out here without a Sociopath attached so, look for them & leave her behind if you want too???
Love & enlightenment 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR,,,,Yes you are right. Only God can fix what is wrong with her and her life. I’ll just pray the daughter, who is actually the matriarch of my ex-spath’s household, will guide the two younger boys to a state of goodwill and teach them how to love.
I’m a teacher & former Navy Combat-Search and Rescue Diver/swimmer, and have a very hard time abandoning people that are lost or I view as helpless. I will cry many nights over walking away form the younger son. Many many nights. Hopefully the daughter will stay on task
@Broken,
I am sure you are a great mentor to the boy as I am also sure there are other kids you interact with & help as a teacher 😃
The thing is that if you have contact with the spaths kids, a connection exists thereby you are attached.
I have been supporting the OW with my spath but, realise it just keeps me in the cycle.
On that note, I will give her my best & ‘let it go’.
I have a 16 yr old son who could use a good mentor so, my quest is to find us both a better life 😃
My spath was a fireman so, i thought he was a good guy but, alas here I am 😔
At least the OW has validated that he is indeed crazy & she should know as she’s a Dr of Sociology! He never actually discards but, has a ‘collection’ of women that he calls ‘possessions’ & not many get ‘free’ of him.
I did so, i hope you do also 😃
PR xoxo
@PR
Yes…this woman I had the misfortune of falling for has a unique and maddening way of controlling contact, and never really letting a breakup happen. She hooks you in with charm & sex. If she doesn’t feel like sex, she hooks with the most potent formula of all: sympathy.
I’ve gotta let this bitch go. She screwed up my recovery last summer with her bullshit. I can’t let her do it again. There are plenty of women out there. But to be real, I don’t even think I want to go there until I get my own shit together, get my license back, and can meet a nice lady that is dependable and I’m attracted to. Someone who has the capacity to love and care and isn’t jaded by their own past. Someone who gives a shit about someone other than themselves and their own agenda.
I have a real good batting average going here. The woman I dated before her was a narcissist. She has a good side, but ultimately, she would destroy and steamroll over me if I disagreed or called her on anything.
Man, I know I’m not perfect. I am scared I’m going to become one of those guys who is shutdown toward the prospect of ever meeting a woman that would be good for me. I’m very very sad tonight. I’ve never had a problem meeting women. I’ve just been through the ringer on these last two.
I think not meeting women in bars might be a step in the right direction for me at least. I draw the wrong kind of attention from the wrong kind of women in those places. I guess since I may be an alcoholic, those poor choices I’ve made may be part of that whole problem. Christ am I sad right now. I’m so freaking sad
@Broken, hi PR
Oh my gosh, I am so there with you, minus the addiction. For years I though WTF, my picker is broken, I pick crap men to be with!!! Then I realized after when one of NS said “You are so lucky I chose you”. Oh the F*CK I AM SO NOT!! Then I realized all these years, I’ve let them pick me, not the other way around. Now I am picky as HELL, if I don’t like something it’s not just no, IT’S NO! I have boundaries, not that I don’t compromise, but something’s I do not compromise who I am for anyone, and if someone really loves you they wouldn’t ask you, nor would they want you too. The ex, NS is a major drinker and druggie, I will not be with someone who does drugs or drinks more than a few glasses of whatever occasionally. No compromise on this. It’s a major deal breaker for a lot of people. So be you! Don’t be sad, because you have boundaries and standards. Stay out of bars, clubs etc, I was a bartender. Just yuk. Lol.
@Broken & NIBSIH,
Stop beating yourselves up, we have each other & even from as far away as Melbourne Australia, i am comforted to know that I have people out there who ‘get me’ as I ‘get’ them.
Yes, we may have picked a few rotten tomatoes but, we have learnt our lesson. I must say Broken, you are not alone when it comes to picking the really rottenest ones though 😉
Gee, if it was a competition i think i’d be a winner!!!
NIBSIH, you are amazing 🙂
Broken, just keep going to AA & dig deep for us. Only you can fix yourself & from here, i see great potential.
Keep the faith & remember, you are not alone 🙂
Be Happy 🙂 xoxo PR 😉
@PR & NIBSIH,
@PR
I’ve gotta hang on to the spirit God gave me and try to realize through the pain that God must have put this loser in my path to teach me how to be a better stronger person. The only thing I can grasp onto is accepting that there are some people that are just plain bad. Those traits that seem redeeming about them are but illusions. No amount of decency can change them. The only thing they are interested in is feeding their own impulses and avoiding boredom.
I have to accept that I can not afford to let myself feel compassion towards this person and her life. I know that hate and anger eats me up, so I can’t harbor that indefinitely either because those things will also take me down just as surely as this loser spath will. What I need is resolve and strength of character and spirit to walk away from this bitch for good. If I’m going to be honest, and it is honest I must be if I am to grow past this, I have to accept the fact that I have a weakness for beautiful women and end up subordinating myself to sexual encounters with them. Though I look like one, I am not a player. So, these exploits do not leave me feeling good inside. They hurt. I am far too sensitive to play these games.
I am praying so freaking hard this morning (it is 5:19 am eastern time in the U.S.). I am thankful that I have a connection with my higher power and I’m not just blindly praying to “whatever is out there.” I’m praying to God to give me the strength to be the kind of man he intends for me to be: Not some man-child “tool” for callous party-girls to have flings with. I’m praying to God to remove my character flaw of being addicted to attractive women and becoming dependent on the level of affection and attraction they feel towards me. I leave myself far to vulnerable by being this way. And, there are some women, that once they pick up on those traits, will exploit them for their own power.
I can honestly say that my encounter with this spath earmarks the depths I have lowered my standards to over the past 4 years. Though I do view myself as someone that got my ass kicked by the last two women I’ve dated, I do not view myself as a victim because I let it happen. I drank over this. I got into barroom fights over this. And nearly lost my career & freedom over this. It’s time for this nonsense to stop. I have two beautiful loving caring boys, a good relationship with my ex-wife (their mother), and am well respected at work. I have a circle of very wonderful loving loyal friends. I have a good job. I am an artist and musician. Other than my injury I am still very physically fit and strong for a 51 year old guy. I am a caring man that has good values and knows how to treat people. I have two aging parents that need me to make decisions for them to ensure that the rest of their lives will be safe, fulfilling and peaceful.
I need to get my life back on track. I need to get my license to drive back. I need to get a car. I need to get a nicer apartment once I get a car (the one I’m in is cheap so I can pay my fines and it is walking distance from work). I need to love myself more and have enough self-respect to not let selfish people enter my life and take up room in my heart and drain me of my positive energy. I think that following the12 steps in AA will prove to be a really good force field against this spath reentering my life. Positive Spiritual-Energy seems to naturally repel negativity. I need to stay on this path.
I’m sorry for rambling. But, I have truly had enough of this self-inflicted punishment. I literally can’t take it anymore. I have to change & I’m praying to God to give me the strength to do that.
@Broken 😃
God, whomever you percieve or see him/it to be is working within you & for you & always has 😃
You have many blessings as you mentioned & have gotten lost but, are back on track thanks to these revelations & self awareness.
Congratulations for ‘seeing’ the errors of judgement & lack of self worth.
Now you can rebuild the best possible version of ‘YOU’ 🙏
I am 51 this year & similar except I’m female but, have been drawn to the ‘evil’ to make me realise that I must also value & love myself like you.
I’m fit, tall,attractive & blond & have no trouble attracting men, just not the right ones! Although, i dont drink a lot, nor have barroom fights, i do have great family & two wonderful kids &i enjoy the best friends i could ever wish for.
I wish happiness & joy in abundance for us all.
Keep manifesting the positives & they will come, i know this because, its happening for me as well 😃
Take care & make us proud 😃
Another survivor Yay Us 😃❤️️
PR xoxo
Thankyou PR,
You are an utterly beautiful person who says very wonderful things
I agree she is, a true earth angel!! 🙂
@Broken
It’s good you’ve zeroed in on your need. You’re looking to the right source for direction.
You seem like a bright guy. If you’re attractive too, this pattern doesn’t surprise me. Know that thoughtful, attractive, smart women are looking for someone like you. For a long time, it’s been called “in touch with your sensitive side”, but the truth is, what that really means to women is that they want you to care about them and their needs as much as you put in on things that benefit you. I can walk away on a dime when I know a guy really isn’t ready to dig deep because I know he isn’t ready for an enriched experience that takes effort. If you’re looking too much at the outer and not about inner work, we sense that. That is how predators or marry able relationship women get attracted. I wish you much self-enlightenment with this.
@Jusagirl,
I fall in love too soon. I have done this out of good heartedness not shallowness. I have always been very tuned into them but they take it for granted. But, I truly have been played because of it. I have never targeted woman. I respect them. I need, however, to use more discrimination in my choices. I do admit, that subconsciously I must fall for attractive women without thinking about it. They also tend to be the ones that seek me out. These are things I need to be aware of in the future. I need to get my life in good enough order so that I think enough of myself to choose who I want to be with: Right now I have very low self-esteem. I know I have really good traits. I just can’t feel them. I hurt too much. Not just let “it” happen to me.
Thank you very much for sharing your wisdom with me. I really appreciate it:)
@broken,
You are still getting pleasure, sex, attention, relief from loneliness from the girl you call a bitch, evil, loser, etc. We all have struggled with these things, that is why no contact is so difficult. I went thru serious withdrawal from my soc. just like a drug and any other addiction. I still get hit with cravings out of the blue, but they are less and less. So painful, I know.
@Broken and Sweet freedom, the best way to beat those “sp cravings” are to give yourself time before trying to contact the sp…time to see the list of who he/she really is, time to look back to their most nasty message or e mail, time to remember how it feel when they are who they really are, time to look at yourself on the mirror and say to you, “No, I cant go back I deserve the best…
please give time to this mourning process it’s just a matter of time to feel better.
@NMI & Sweet Freedom. I’m sorry for using the word bitch. I’m just really confused and hate this woman and don’t understand how she got under my skin so bad
@Broken,
These disordered people, spaths/narcs or whatever type of pathy they each are unfortunately,act only out of their own selfish requirements for ego supply & usage of others to meet their needs. It’s not complicated at all really, you give, they take.
They are intoxicating to create an addiction & like any addiction, it feels great at the time but, when the downer hits, its huge!
Trouble is, like the 12 steps in AA, you have to go ‘cold ‘turkey’ & stay NC & avoid them at all costs uf you can.
I feel so sorry for the ones married & with children to them as they can never truly escape them. The soc in my saga still controls his ex via his adult children. Rubs her nose in his OW’s, his ‘good life’ etc… She is subjected to witnessing his games over & over.
She is beautiful & lost forever in his game 😔
The OW tells me he’s a ‘selfish p#*ck & extremely disturbed but, is still in the game???
‘Desiderata’ Broken, its a great poem, please read it 😃
PR xoxo
I read it. So true. So true
I was in Perth was I was in the Navy. HMS Sterling was the Naval port I was at. I spent time in Freemantle. I would like to b=get back over there for a visit when the smoke clears in my life, financially, spiritually, etc. I remember coming back to the base after being out for the night. All these “tamers” were out. They were these miniature Kangaroos! I felt like I was in a lost chapter of Alice in Wonderland!
@Broken, that’s her name, you are just using it. 😎
@NMI,
Yes you are right. I think my heart is too big for my own good. I try to focus too much on the reasons why people act the way they do instead of taking a realistic look at who I’m dealing with. I try to rescue people. And I have to accept that God is the only thing that can save some people. With in my own power, some people are beyond saving. Her life is hard because she is a bitch who is used to be taken care of financially
@NMI & PR
She has, and I say this because I can sense it, an irrational resentment towards me because I am successful and earn a good living. I have wasted my breath trying to tell her it isn’t by accident that I do! I worked very hard to earn it.
On some level, and I doubt she can even admit it to herself, she is pissed because she knows she is too much of an asshole to have ever done anything with her own life, and hates me because I am have been too smart to let her feed off me financially. She even called and told me, “my life is hell. You can’t do anything to help me.” And I won’t. I’m divorced, have a great relationship with my ex and kids, and take great pride in making sure they are cared for financially and emotionally. If she was a good woman, I would be more than happy to make things work and help make her life better. She despises me cuz I know she is a leech and refuse to go there. I just need to get my courage up and be rid of this parasite that is mad at the world because she is a loser.
@PR.
I’m sorry I think I have to ramble. I’m starting to put the reality of everything together (even though I kind of did before).
1. Her sister fixed us up on a blind date. I knew the second night she was weird, and even sent her a text saying, “You & I are very different in many ways, you are an interesting lady but lets cool it….that way no body goes to the hurt locker.”
2. She showed up that Friday night at my apartment & took me home with her to what I thought was her & her mother’s house. Her mom & and her now 14 yr old son were at the “lake house.”
* a sinking feeling was that I was being “captured for prey.” Christ I wish I had walked when I did.
3. I became the greatest thing since sliced pizza in front of her family. Her mother did and still does love me. Her children, who I’ve come to recognize as being tortured emotionally, despised me. I’m good with kids, so I was a little confused, but not hurt. I realize later that the only thing they have learned is selfishness & I represented nothing more than an obstacle to their mother. They were like feral children living in a mansion. She stood there and did nothing to ease my discomfort. Though I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I was on my own.
4. Throughout the next 12 months she “cycled” emotionally. I realize this now. But then she kept attaching reasons to why she was acting weird (her kids , her x husband, her property form the divorce, her low earnings, etc.). She would “go off the radar” & I realize now that she has a hard time keeping the mask on for more than 4 or 5 weeks. Sooner or later it would come off. When it did, I said adios. Problem is she would come back with tears saying I mean so much to her, and was just going through a hard time and beg me to come back. Again, this went on for a year.
5. I finally broke somewhat free this past fall (September 2013). I was doing well, but sure enough, she contacted me around Christmas.
6. I kept her at arms length, which is actually her comfort zone because I tend to be extremely intuitive and can read people ( I guess I’m not too good at accepting the inevitable sometimes if I’m attracted to someone). This makes her uncomfortable. When I started doing things that were healthy for me socially (and physically) in, lets say Late January, early February, she started becoming very attentive. For some reason, me having good friends raddled her. She kept a good face on, but I could tell she was threatened that I was starting to “spread my wings.” She started making excuses about wanting to meet my friends, when all she wanted to do is dominate them socially (yes I witnessed this once 7 never allowed her back out with me when I was out with my buddies.)
7. I could tell the whole time that her moods would shift, but I basically just ignored her when she was bitchy. She was the one who wanted to get a stronger connection. I got too confident & thought..yes she is very difficult, but I can balance it. The my own life became unbalanced
8. When I injured myself, well I already told you that story, she was probably one of the most emotionally abusive people I have ever encountered. Movies couldn’t replicate the horror I endured the night I let her drive me home from surgery.
9. Have I learned anything about myself during this nightmare? I learned that a person with a good heart can get used to anything when they deal with a predator if they aren’t careful. And yes,…I surrender, I want a healthier life and mind and I have to not let this narc/spath woman back into my life. She will not stop until she destroys me if I let her. She has almost made that clear in her own words being the forthcoming sweetheart that she is.
Hi Broken 🙂
Ditto on all the weird behavior re the Spath/Narc & my gut told me many times to flee but, as we know the ‘gaming’ is rampant & he had others keep me in his silly game! Policeman & Fireman & his family were all summoned to vouch for his behavior or cover up for it etc…enablers & followers & just more ‘duped’individuals!
You have come such a long way & are now processing all the past events & things you ‘missed’ or let go etc…
These people are ‘gaming’ the whole time & can do it effortlessly as it’s all they know.
Read this guys articles & yes they are long but, worth the read.
http://www.energeticsinstitute.com.au/page/narcissism.html
Loads of great articles on his site & others that give you an ever greater insight into the bizarre personalities we have tangled with!
You are on the path back to YOU so, keep going. You are not alone & this experience is designed to either take you to your higher awareness or drop you into the abyss.
The choice is yours but, I know you will & are making the right one 🙂
If you ever get over here to Australia let me know as you will have a friend here to greet you.
We do have some very weird creatures & critters but, most of us are okay LOL 😉
Oh & the animals are amazing too 😉
Take Care & be your own best friend
From Unconditional Love and Forgiveness by Edith Stauffer.
“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, when you are ready to stop hurting for what someone else did.”
“Forgiveness means changing the attitude of disappointment by canceling the expectations and allowing an attitude of unconditional love to flow out to yourself and to the person who disappointed you. You can only release yourself or another from one expectation at a time. We do this by changing the expectations into preferences. The preference states how we would have liked things to be. Forgiveness is a decision not to punish ourselves anymore for the wrongs of others or our own wrong doing. It is a decision to re-enter into the flow of life and love”
Love & Light Always 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi. My story is unbelievable – but not to you! My ex- husband led a double life for 4 years and lied not only to me but the other woman, her children and her family. He had multiple affairs. He faked legal documents to keep the lie up, he spent over 180 thousand pounds of family money and siphoned it off into a bank account with his mum. He spent years emotionally and physically abusing me and others. He tried to make me stay with him and bought me a ring and a watch but bought the other woman the same and talked to our son on the phone while he was in the other woman’s bed (I got a photo of his car on her driveway as he spoke!) . He lied to our child and still does. He manipulates and abuses him too. When I divorced him, it took a year and 12 thousand pounds because he contested everything. He threatened to take our son away and convince everyone I was mad. When he upset our son with an as yet unexplored incident, my son refused to go away with him again and so he dragged me through court for a year at a cost of 20 grand and it damaged our son terribly. He tried everything to convince the court that I was an unfit mother and I caused the damage. He did it with the stupid cafcass workers too but not the judge. The last resort was to involve social services and it teetered on the brink of our son being taken into care but of course, there was no reason. We got a court order. I got residence. He has breached it every time but he then got social services involved again and I continue to be controlled and persecuted. I re-married – that’s why I am being systematically destroyed – just jealousy. He’s a dangerous man but so many people see him as charming and a lovely man. I get painted as a nutter and I’ve done nothing except divorce him before he was ready to go. There’s a lot more to this story – you couldn’t make it up. He won’t leave me alone to live my life and he does it through making our son unhappy because he doesn’t care. But folks – NEVER GIVE UP! BE THE WARRIOR. Stand firm even if the whole universe is against you – the truth will out.
Thank you river welcome to the site.
riversong,
It never fails to amaze me the lengths that these wackos go to in the quest to control others. To harm helpless kids … is appalling! It is good that you have moved on with your life, but horrid that he is destroying you for that. You are right – we must NEVER GIVE UP! BE THE WARRIOR. You are a very strong person. Take good care of your son!
@ Broken 🙂
These Soc’s are full of envy & jealousy & live materialistically always!
It’s not ‘what can I do for you’ with them, it’s always ‘what can you do for me’.
Fakers & takers, that’s all & we are real & givers.
Whatever you have, they will take & use & feed off & on & on they go!
It’s our suffering that makes us realize that we are ‘real’ as you will never see the ‘unfeeling’ suffer & that’s the biggest ‘tell tale’ sign of them. They will feign it but, just for the appearance & appearances are the biggest deceivers always.
My Soc is like the male lead in a soap opera with the leading ladies changing but, the same old soapy saga 😉 LOL….
I appreciate being ‘set free’, as not many are allowed to leave & never actually realize just what ‘evil’ they have survived. Some never fully get it & stay stuck forever in the grief & turmoil of their reactions to the experience 😦
Isn’t that sad, knowing that others suffer forever & whilst we suffer, we are ‘seeing’ it clearly, some never ever will do this 😦
Even in the dark & gloom, we find our truth eventually & as Pos says, ‘the TRUTH does actually set you free!’. 🙂
@PR
Yes lady phoenix. You are too kind and good, and I’m freaking crying because I’m sick of this pain, and wish you & POS had a house or something so I could lay there and cry until my tears were gone. I’ll figure it out in some indirect way through my 12 step meetings and become a better man through the process. I know that I need to take responsibility for my choices in everything, including women. I don’t like the way I feel right now, but they tell me that will change. I have to let go of the wheel and cry.
I don’t know. I’m freaking sad and feel like I’m in street fight for my soul. I feel embarrassed & This hurts. But I feel like not expressing it will make it hard for me to take care of myself.
Awww Broken 😦
Feel free to express here & crying is a great way to ‘let go’ & cleanse your self & soul.
It’s all going to work out, time will make all the difference & I am nearly 12 month’s clear 🙂
Just hang in there & talk to us & we do have a house that you cannot see but it’s there in your heart. 🙂
I am sending you love & light right now so, just be assured, you cannot see me but, I am there with you 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
Love PR xoxo
Aww beautiful comment pr. You are shining 🙂
That’s how working through things is. Pretty brave of you to share your feelings publicly. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, but most here thought it would never get better, and the same people will tell you that’s not true. Keep going through; you’re on the right path.
@ Positiva 🙂
I just reflect your light back too you 🙂
PR xoxo
My heart hurts…..
Your heart hurts because you have the capability to love. Your heart hurts because you live In the light. Your heart hurts because of betrayal. Due to this you are the winner as you have the ability to pour that love into you x
@Positiva, I just read the latest news about the criminal case against Pistorius (the text messages that she sent to him about his jealousy, about his double standards…) What do you think? Another SP?
@Jusagirl..IF that comment about working through things was meamt for me..thank you
Hi,
I am from Australia, and I have been destroyed by a sociopath, I am number 6 in his line of victims (however I didnt know at the time). I met this man while going through a divorce he was like an angel. It took two years and another I Do, he turned into the real him. It began slowly and then at the end a nightmare. He has isolated all of my friends and tried to do the same with my family. He has stolen money from me and left me in debt of 360k, he has stolen around 100k from me. He has made my name mud with several people and used his behaviour to his advantage. I had to protect myself against him in the end with an intervention order, as my safety and that of my family was in question, he threatened to hurt them. He laughed about my mum having cancer and said he wished she had died. He laughed about my beloved dog and stole the dogs ashes! He works with a friend of his of which he claims is a mate, I have found them in bed together! This person also claims to be a victim over and over, he has been in an accident many years ago and took another’s life and shows absolutely no remorse. While I was with him he faked a suicide attempt, of which I supported him while it was all a game. He had left the marriage several times each time showing no remorse. He had taken off when I had lost two pregnancies one he claims never happened, one after IVF treatment and another naturally. I could just go on and on, and people ask me why I stayed, I felt sorry for him and thought that I loved him, because sometimes the good man I saw when we were first together would keep coming back. This man is pure evil! and once again he gets away with his game. People he calls friends are just as bad because they enable this behaviour over and over, is there any justice ever for these people. Now he is claiming to have some right to take more from me financially in the divorce settlement truly he will not rest untill I am six feet under. This man is from New Zealand beware, and as I said I am number 6. Is there a forum where by justification can be sought, I am drafting a book and feel that hopefully this will be someone’s assistance not to get involved with such a person.
Thankyou for listening.
South Australian reader.
Hi Kate,
Welcome to the site. He sounds like a very sick, twisted, depraved man. I am wondering if he was a psychopath?
@Positivia & PR,
A lot of what I’m going to say is a statement of the obvious, but I have had to process it and come to terms with it myself.
Last night something changed inside of me, and I now its for the better. I emancipated myself from these chains. A friend of mine, a very nice lady, who I have dated here and there over the years called me and asked me how I was. She knows me very well and could tell that I was very troubled but trying to hide it. She asked if I needed anything because I’m sort of layed up from my injury. I said no. When I got off the phone with her something dawned on me. That, because of that spath I let myself get involved with, I have shut out most of the rest of the world accept for a few close friends. I have pushed other women away because I allowed myself to become isolated. The spath, in the state she is now, doesn’t overtly try to control or isolate me. She is in the cold, ignore phase of our relationship, as if I don’t exist. Knowing what I know now, she will wait until I start getting healthy (both physically and emotionally) form her last discard, and then magically appear out of no where like nothing ever happened between us that was negative. I realize how sick this is. And I realize how low down the ladder I have gone emotionally because of this psycho, and how much of a hostage of allowed myself to become.
While I was in the military I attended a special training called SERE (Survival Escape Rescue Evasion) Training. IN that school the facilitators simulate a “Prisoner of War” experience for the trainees. In other words, the trainee become a prisoner of war. IT is up to you and your classmates to succeed in these areas on order to graduate. The school is very thorough in its simulation, and you truly get the “real” feeling after a healthy dose of sleep deprivation and severe emotional torture, that you really to have to escape
WHen I got off the phone with My friend, I sat there and thought to myself, “why am too scared to even go out on a date with someone who truly cares about me.’ Then I realized just how programmed I have let myself become by this spath. I had become a prisoner of war. The longer you are a hostage, the more accepting you become to your capture & the abuse, and the more apathetic you become towards escape. . I escaped.
I called my friend back and asked her if she would like to go out for dinner. Yes there some romance, but the saving grace was the human-love connection she gave me. I broke down in the car & told her what had happened. She’d been through similar situations so was able to immediately relate. She told me I had been suffering from severe emotional abuse. She nurtured me out of my shell throughout dinner. We had fun & talked.
I felt like, for the first time in I don’t know how long, that I was in the sun. Not just because of my friend (but partly,,,isn’t that what friends are for?), but because I allowed myself to walk in the sun. As I sat there talking and laughing and eating (one of my favorites) Thai food, I realized that yes. It is time to end the punishment. I’m not going to segway into another relationship. But, there is no freaking reason on the face of this earth that I deserve to be treated like shit. I am very nice to people. I am going to begin enjoying life and the friendship of normal loving women again. And, I suspect, if I continue to allow myself to heal & go through the 12 steps, things will workout, and there is always the possibility that I will meet a woman that is right for me. The punishment is over.
Love Broken
Yay Broken 😃
You are on the road back to you & your friend sounds lovely 😃
Keep No Contact & yes, she will be back & you must be strong enough like I was to ‘stand in your power’ 😃
When mine called, i was so loving myself that he could not penetrate my defences 😃
I forgave him for not being the person he led me to believe but, i forgave myself for being used etc…
You will get there so, stay positive & surround yourself with people that love & care for you 😃
I am very fortunate to have a huge support group so, they literally came out in force & even this past weekend was a whirl of dinners & social stuff! I’m exhausted but, happy 😃
I love thai food but had Japanese on Saturday Yum 😉
Oh & keep fit, i go to the gym 3 days a week & my ass is out of the basement & heading back to the top floor (sort of 😉
I think my trainer likes to torture me! LOL
Xoxo PR
@PR. That is great! It sounds like you have a great life & great friends! Ironically enough, I have gotten in better shape since my injury. I’ve shed about 15 to twenty pounds over the last month from not drinking, and I also bought one of those “Chuck Norris Total Gyms.) It requires no leg use, so I am able to workout my core really well without any consequence to my leg. I also do a multitude of crunches and leg lifts so my legs are actually getting in shape. None of these exercises are weight baring.
I realize I et the spath steal my sun. And, I also realize that there are many parallels between substance abuse/addiction and dating a spath. I think the 12 steps will help me a lot here. I know I need to go through steps 4-6 and forgive myself and let the higher power remove those character flaws of my own that have kept me prisoner for so long. After I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive the spath and move on in the cycle of life & love you speak of. I think I’m getting close to having that spiritual experience they speak of in AA if you follow the steps. Thankyou for noticing my progress and caring.
Love Broken
I’ve been looking for a trainer too. Since you brought it up, I’ll try again this week. Inside was doing well (till last night). Therapist will be back next Tues. I think it would make me feel stronger to be working on the outside.
You are a good guy Broken & you really need to believe in yourself & treat yourself as you would like to be treated by others. You are on your way so, keep the faith & always remember that complete strangers on the other side of the world care about you 😃
I am reading Choosing Happiness, life & soul essentials by Stephanie Dowrick.
I love self help books & affirmations so, grab yourself a copy or something simimlare like Daring Greatly Brene Browne etc….read everything positive.
Well done on the exercise & the 12 steps, that’s amazing & shows great strength of will.
Stay strong & if & when she contacts you, make a pact with me that you will never go backwards, no more crazy.
Really good ladies are out there & one is looking for you 😃 xoxo
Heres the pact. I won’t allow myself to go back to that. I will approach that the same way I am dealing with my alcohol issue…one day at a time. One day at a time I will tackle these addictions. One day at a time I will ask my higher power to give me enough grace to be strong and walk in the sun and enjoy the good things in life God has granted me. The spath is just one more reflection of my own inner desease. God placed her here to teach me what I am not. through that pain, I am supposed to, and am, recognizing the goodness that God gave me.
I made another dinner date tonight to eat another one of my favorites: Lobster. Screw it, I wanna live. Great food, great company. Why not!
THnakyou for such attentiveness PR. I feel so much like you are a friend whose face I can’t see. Didn’t think was possible, but it appears as it is.
Love Broken
OMG I love lobster 😃
Yes, one day at a time & yes, the Spath was sent for a reason & you are self reflecting & looking for the lesson which is great.
My experience made me take a ‘road trip’ through my entire life from chlid abuse, an alcholic father, a bi-polar? Ex husband to a Spath/covert Narc!
What did I learn you ask?
I was never protected, i looked outside of myself for validation, i suffered low self esteem & viewed dysfunction as ‘normal’ & I disassociated to cope.
The Soc taught me that i accept the unacceptable & i was targeted at a very vulnerable time & 10 years later, here I am!
I finally took responsibility & stepped back & took a very hard look at myself.
I forgave myself for my mistakes, acknowledged that the past us behind me & started from square one. A day at a time until nearly 12 months later, the death of a best friend, my daughter had a car accident & i turned 50 😉
Travelled to Bali, realised i was alive still & my daughter was spared thank god! Light was shining on me from all directions, i stumbled & got up & kept getting up until I got to today 😃
One day at a time sweet Jesus is all we have so, live in the present & be brave as tomorrow is not promised but, i am always glad of tomorrows 😃
Have faith & you have come this far, victory is yours for the making 😃
Take care my friend, cant wait to call you fixed 😃
@I’m thinking about changing my name!
@PR,
In the spirit of progress, there is to be a Name Change: This is formerly “Broken” who now goes by, at my friend PR’s humorous suggestion: “Under Construction” Bali sounds great! This kid needs to travel when I get back on my feel! Change is good
Bali sounds great to me too. Ask pr sounds so far away to me …..
How about ‘Under Renovation’ 😃
We can try ‘Fixed’ later, no pressure!
Good night its 12 am here in Melbourne zzzzz 😃x
@broken
Pink has a song (just give me a reason) with words something like this………”it’s been written on the scars of our hearts, were’re not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again”
@PR
That is funny..and I will take it under strong advisement!
@PR, and my other friends,
HI, this is formerly” broken”, now calling myself “Under Construction.” (someday to be called fixed).
I just wanted to wish everyone a good day. I’m not feeling that sad, as I have accepted what has happened what has happened in relation to dating a spath off & on for a year and a half.
I realize now, after talking to my counselor yesterday, that the spath & my experience with her was a reflection (or component) of what they call in AA, as “bottoming out.” Many things in my life reflect that. I have to get my license back to drive. I have no car. I live in a tiny tiny apartment in the rough side of town so I can afford the legal issues (fines from the DWI 2 years ago) I am currently addressing, and so I can walk to work. I realize now that my x-spath preyed on my vulnerability of being in this tough spot in my life. Though I still have many things to be proud of about myself, she would make comments to make me feel bad about myself and my situation. Toward the end, I would remind her that she may be living in a mansion, but its her mother’s house which she pays nothing for, and that it is her that is on welfare, not I. The minute I would fight back with words a little bit, she would fly into a rage.
Again though, I realize accepting her and her treatment of me into my life just one more reflection of my bottoming out. Maybe God sent her to force me to take stock and learn how to fight my way back to the successful person I was before my troubles began.
Something has shifted in me since Monday. I can see that there are many possibilities and great things I have in my life that are just an arm’s reach away. I just have to have enough self-love and courage to do those things I must do in order to procure them. I’m no longer looking at my personal tragedies and frozen by fear and shock. I want to move forward from this forsaken “place” I have been stuck in for awhile now.
Someone, I read here, really describes just how little they (spaths) have to offer. Nothing. Alone they lead boring pathetic lives…empty of personal character. They just feed off the world around them like parasites because they don’t have a real world of their own.
I’m moving on in love & light as lady Pheonix says. I have to be patient as I make steady progress in moving on from this forsaken place I have been existing in.
Again, screw that pathetic spath I was hooked up with. Companionship can be tricky and tough sometimes, but it shouldn’t have to be that fruitless and painful.
Love UC
Glad to hear you’re reaching out. The act of trying something different in, as you describe it, an emotionally-constrictive situation, is so healing.
It’s surprising how easily mental health can be manipulated. As adults, we think we would sense intent, and many times our intuition helps with that. These people fly under the radar though if we allow them close.
My soc had me watch a movie, “Devil’s Rejects” where there was a scene where the “villains” were holding innocent people hostage in a hotel room. When the victim was able to get ahold of a gun, she learned there were no bullets in it. The “villain” said, “They ain’t no bullets; it’s all mind control.”
Sometimes, we are held hostage by what others say or do, but more often, I think we’re held by our own beliefs. “You hold me without touch, and keep me without chains.”—from Sara Barallies’ song, Gravity
@JUSAGIRL,
“You hold me without touch, and keep me without chains.” That line says it all! Thank you for the encouragement and song!
Hi Jusa 🙂
Yes, exercise has many benefits & you must work at improving all aspects of your life, mind, body & soul 🙂
Good girl, I am proud of you 🙂
My home computer has had connectivity problems so, haven’t been able to get on as much!
I will though so, stand by in our other place 😉
PR xoxo
Yes, the ‘betrayal bonds’ & ‘cognitive dissonance’, trying to separate fact from fiction & our reality from their lies, manipulation & control.
We are kept confused to keep us off guard & it’s a very clever ploy that they have mastered!
Light bulb moments are soon extinguished by our brain ‘shutting down’ to cope as hyper vigilance is a perceived threat situation…fight,flight or freeze.
The Soc re-wires our brain by careful & subtle ploys etc…they have nothing better to do than play as, left alone they are boring & un-stimulating people.
They live outside of themselves for relief from their own limited potential to feel real!
They are really very pathetic & sad creatures, having to create a fantasy world to live & play in & the lead actor is always them & the soap opera lives they lead. It really is life lived like a ‘soap opera’ on TV! Never real, just fake & made-up….MAKE-UP Please, I’m a little shiny 😉
Oh Bali….I am going there this weekend for 2 weeks. It is my haven. Downside is that I met my Spath there (i remember reading that while on a holiday an Spath can find an easy victim….their victim is relaxed and carefree…was true in my case) I haven’t let it ruin my love for the island. It really is my Eat, prey, love place 😉
Have a brilliant time Ex 😃
The spaths are everywhere but, don’t worry as you are more aware now so, eat, love & pray.
I love Bali & we stayed in a great villa in Semanyak 😃
We mainly ate, shopped, swam, ate, shopped & drank 😃oh & one night of karaoke (yes, i did Abba 😉 lol
Shush, a few Bintangs & I cut loose 😃
Have a fantastic time & pray for happiness & love 😃
Take care & watch out for chip munks 😃 & gekko’s really cute.
PR xoxo
@POS & PR,
Sorry about the name change think. I didn’t mean to make you guys mad. I thought it would be okay. Please don’t stop communicating with me now. I’m starting to get my feet on the ground
Hi Under Construction 😃
We havent forgotten you, is everything okay?
Remember some threads don’t always appear especially if you post under this link? Also, i am in sth hemisphere so, time difference makes it difficult 😃
PR xoxo
@PR. Good morning to me & good evening to you:) Yes..I’m doing okay. I realized after a deep discussion with my an old friend of mine that dating that spath …allowing that psycho into my life, was just another reflection of what my life had become. God sent me a broken leg/ankle to slow me down and take a look (I actually believe in that stuff). It hurts bad enough that it made me take a look at what I’ve allowed my life to become. I earn a very good living, but due ot losing my license and the incredible fines I have to pay, I went from living in a nice house to living in this shot-gun shack apartment so I can afford the fines and walk to work. I still have my gifts which I’m starting to recognize again. I still have a good career, and a wonderful family, and some very great friends.
I think I have made the dreadful error of confusing sex with affection in some woman. I guess some of these women were probably attracted to my life.(.my nice car..nice house) as well as me physically when I had all that going on. MInus those things, maybe it was just the physical attraction….I became this guy “just to have a good time with..not really care about. I probably was hoping for love, but looking for it in the wrong places from the wrong kind of women. I know that now.
Looking back, I realize now that alcohol took all that away. Maybe it wasn’t the most important thing to have. Maybe I was lacking in spirit and God wants me to recognize it and grow to a complete person before I earn those things back.
Love Under COnstruciton
@ Broken, site seems to be down or slow but, i am still here & sending Love & Light 😃
Keep up the good work.
PR xoxo
Hi Under Construction 😃
You have started on your road to recovery & self reflection is part of the healing process, well done.
This experience does make to stop, look, listen & learn.
I am proud of you & you should be proud also as this is the great gift you have received.
Higher self awareness is your truth.
Trust in your God to help you now & embrace self love in its purest form.
Not a vain love but, love yourself & be gentle & compassionate to YOU.
We all make mistakes, some of us make huge ones but, unless we learn from them, we are doomed.
Alcohol is a form of escape from self & now you are doing 12 steps keep going.
You do not need to anaesthetise yourself or be anything other than who you really are. Sex makes us live outside ourselves if we give it out freely etc…sex with someone you love deeply is very different so, aim for that if you can?
Remember, forgiveness is another key that you must come to accept. Forgive your Spath, she cannot help who she is & forgive yourself for allowing her to hurt you.
None of us knew we were playing a game with these people so, the ‘rules of engagement’ were not fair.
If we knew upfront that it was just a game, none of us would be here!
You just keep doing what you can to resurrect the real you & life will flourish for you.
It’s not easy but, don’t make it harder by ‘beating’ yourself up as guilt is a waste of time.
Let it go & face everyday as if it’s your last & enjoy your life from this day forward. Breath & be happy 😃
Love PR xoxo zzzzzzzz yep it’s bedtime 😃
@PR. Sweet dreams…Taking on another day of sobriety & no contact on this side of the globe. Talk to you soon:)
Love & Peace Under Construction
@PR,
ITs been a few days. I’ve had an okay week. Haven’t heard from my Spath, but I’m sure she’ll show up like nothing happened in a while. WHen I politely dismiss her I know that she will attempt to place the cause for the “tension” on me.
Peace, Under Construction
Hey my friend under construction😃
I am watching the witches of eastwick! Jack Nicholson is a great Soc, actor & for real apparently?
You must stay NC its crucial for your recovery, you are not strong enough yet so, i hope she stays away?
I have learnt more about the mind control of these weird disordered minds & I will share soon. I have the links on my work computer, fascinating stuff & good knowledge to know!
Learn as much as you can because the more you know about them & their game, the better off you will be.
I read that if you don’t get your mind control back, you attract others as they recognise the mind control already instilled in us!!!
I will post more soon, remember that life is meant to be enjoyed not endured 😃that’s my mantra now 😃
Keep going, be the best version of you & the rest is easy 😃
Love & light 😃
PR xoxo
@PR,
Hi lady Phoenix. I can’t say I’m doing really good, but I am hanging in there. I just order Sarah Tate’s book “Web of Lies” and am praying that it will help me move on. I do good for a while and then I return to this horrid place. I’ll be ok. I think my mind is slowly getting stronger over all this even though I’m not completely sure, on an emotional level, of what happened with this woman. I just wrote this poem or whatever is:
Her Land of Broken Toys:
Her endless land of broken misfit toys lays about in numb rebellion against the multitude of her crimes.
Robotic eldest brags to her every night about everything he has learned about his coworkers at the workshop job he landed through a temp agency. She cheers him on as though he made progress.
They fascinate each other as their conversation spins endless magical wheels in the air about “what they can do to fix their lives.
Both know, but do not care, that there lies no promise of hope or answers in their empty words.
They stare at each other like vampires across the kitchen table in the kitchen of her mother’s suburban mansion and accept the stark reality that their reverie is finite and devoid of universal validation.
When they come down from their rush, they cry over their own desolation.
God is not there as she numbly lies down with her eldest son and strokes his back as he falls to sleep. She takes solace in his physical beauty because it reminds her of her own and her fantastic choice of a mating partner.
Her second eldest son appears at breakfast and speaks proudly of how he earned money on ebay from selling gifts I got him. He was only 13 when he screamed at me that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. His mom didn’t say a thing.
Her 3rd son is polite to me, but burns his name in the lawn of his grandmother’s house that his mother is living in. His laughter was freaking maniacal as I left that night.
The last thing I remember her daughter saying to me a year and a half ago when I first her mother was, “Please, you seem like a nice guy. This isn’t good for you.”
Peace & Love,
Under Construction
PS.PR I am however, remaining NC. It jut the despair that creeps back in
Hi PR and POS, miss you all. I’ve been very busy NS is on his “little rage”. I have had a very difficult time dealing with him. Because of the children, you all know he is the NS “Father of the Year” ((gagging)). One email turns into 46. Currently he wants me to “acknowledge” him. So I am contacting his attorney, Monday to advise the attorney to tell his client to bug to F*CK OFF, it’s not in our order I have to “acknowledge” him, and I find his clients aggressive manner to be threatening, so could he please stop emailing in this manner. It’s been so bad I literally have to stop my self and cry in the bathroom. It’s so frustrating, annoying and depressing. I know he wants a reaction out of me, and he is not going to get it.
@Broken
I have been reading (lurking), the site, I still come here for support even though I don’t comment. Two things I have heard which really get me through, and really “click” for me.
I got this off a parenting site – advice from a 4 year old who told her mother she doesn’t need a best friend, because she is her own best friend. Which made me laugh. When did I stop being my own best friend? Shame on me!!
My father, a few weeks ago when I just thought I needed to runaway, gave me an example of my life as being pricked with a tiny little sword, at first all these, small thin wounds don’t even bleed, over the years the gashes become, slightly bigger and bigger, until finally, you have this huge wound, (some where). This is representative of your emotional being. How it comes out be it anxiety, drinking, running away, drugs, is to the individual. Then he presented me with the second part. There is a way for you to separate your self from the situation, and look at it from a mountain. Not from an emotional stand point. You are looking at your problems, from the inside out, instead of the outside in. You need to assess it from above, to lighten it up he made fun of me, and said “you know up from your throne and under your crown”. 👸 😐. (Yep, good ole dad, knows what say when your down). Then he says the key words “you were doing so good, what threw you off”. I didn’t know what to say! Took me a week, it was MY JUDGEMENT in September, what the mediator interpreted as “her truth” , my attorney, (who I figured out is a alcoholic, thank you for the thousands I spent,😡), NS and his “small mans syndrome” (the man is 4 feet tall, ok) attorney, and NS and his concubines attempting his smear campaign against me, (child support people, child protective services people, school administrators, police departments, yeah I know!). It all just shook me so bad, it knocked me down. Well it’s most certainly not happening again.
If you do not allow it, it will not happen. I don’t not have to defend myself, especially if I have done nothing wrong. Which is the absolute greatest thing about the truth. It’s unrehearsed and it’s always the same. I just know, and it actually really makes me feel good, knowing I would never stoop to this level of patheticness to make another persons life soo miserable. I have better things to do. Like living my life and making it smacktacular!!
Have a great day everyone, 😘
NIBSIH xoxox
I met my aspd boyfriend years ago. He asked me out relentlessly for many years. Always funny and charming, never pushy. After getting out of a bad relationship in sept of ’12, I finally said yes to a date in jan of ’13. I was very nervous. He had a beautiful home, 2 vehicles, and was a complete gentleman. We talked all night, he took me to nice places downtown. I was so shocked that I had put off such a great man for so long. We instantly connected, but he was “in between jobs” and constantly stressed. He had a troubled past but had not been incarcerated for almost a decade. He made me believe the old felony hendered him from succeeding. In feb, he asked to borrow some money (2300) and said he would pay me back the following Monday when the bank opened. I didn’t even hesitate. He had never let me down. Done so much for me that no one else had ever done before. Of course the following week, he went out of town for work. And things started drifting. On my birthday in march he tried to kill himself. I was in shock. We had been arguing about the money, but I had no idea the things I would uncover over the next year. While he was in the hospital, the cops raided his house. He never got in trouble for anything, but immediately shut me out. I was left heart broken and confused. And constantly trying to persuade him to pay me back, as I am a single mother and have no family. Easy target for a sociopath. In April I met another man. A good man. We were going strong and he was a real provider. Of course when my ex found out, he put it on strong. Showing up at my job, calling, texting, and convincing me that he had been going through so much that he didn’t realize what he had lost. After 3 months of mental anguish, I broke things off with the good guy, and took my ex back. It was just like old times….. For about a week. It’s a viscous cycle… He disappears, I get stronger, he comes back, and then I’m crushed again when it doesn’t work. Around Christmas time we reconnected after months of me doing my own thing and while missing him, finding happiness alone. We were fine, until I get a call from jail. I left him in jail for 6 weeks. In the meantime, I uncovered so many lies. And crimes. I wrote him a letter, which I regret… Because it started the cycle again. I went to visit him in jail. He used his fake tears, and empty promises… Pleading if I got him out he would pay me back the next day. I knew better… He never paid a dime on his old debt. But I got him out anyway. Then the real nightmare started. He confessed to so many crimes and lies, and I am blindsided. We stopped talking 3 days after he got out, because he wasn’t going to pay me back, the cops pulled me over and searched me. I realized what I was dealing with… His family reached out and explained that he has aspd. After reading 2 books and several online blogs, I cannot believe how blind I’ve been. I showed up last week to check on him, he was hungry, broke, and totally calm. He acknowledges his problems. But that he can’t get help because he knows he will just dupe the dr. He is facing a lengthy prison sentence. He has told m he will kill himself before going back. We spent the weekend together, he was amazing. Until I got home and realized he had taken all my money. He denies it. This is so hard… He seems so genuine. Everyone loves him. He admits his mind doesn’t work like mine, and he scares himself. I cannot cut off contact yet… I just was faced with the harsh reality of who he is 3 weeks ago. Now it’s picking apart every detail of this “relationship” and realizing it was all a calculated plan. He shows signs of inprovement with his actions lately. Taking care of responsibility. But I know this is hopeless, and won’t last long. He has never been violent. He has never talked down to me. He has always helped me when I needed. He gave me 400 yesterday, because I needed to pay for a bill. But in my head, it was probably from the money he stole from me. This is a complete mind fuck. I only feel happy when I am with him. But when I am without him, I realize the poison he inflicts on my life and heart. Knowing his disorder has helped in the healing process. But I can’t stop loving him… Even though I know the man I love, is not the man he is…
Welcome to the site 🙂
If you are going to have him in your life. You need very very firm boundaries (like managing a wayward teen) it’s hard work.
@RML
You are at the beginning point in coming out of the FOG. At that point you are wrestling between the rational side of you (knowing what he and his actions are truly about) and the emotional side of you (the love you have for him). It is a very agonizing time as you can have emotional shifts from hour to hour, if not minute by minute.
However, as is discussed throughout this site, you must go and maintain No Contact. NO Contact allows you regain emotional and physical strength which then leads to clarity of thought and mind. You will be able to see things much clearer after 2-3 months of NC. Things you aren’t able to see or comprehend when caught in the conflicting storm of emotion and logic.
As for the money, write it off. It is a hook they use to keep you near and in their game. Yes, mine also would occasionally give back small sums from time to time but over time the ledger balance inevitably increased in her favor during her never ending times of need. Money can eventually be replaced, mental and emotional well being is much harder to reimburse.
Stay Strong. AGPT
Boundaries have been set. He is not allowed around my children. It’s obvious that the relationship has no future. But my biggest fear is that he will end his life, vs going to prison, and I will have been forcing myself not to talk to him, and regret not spending time with him before he’s gone. He acknowledges his faults. And hates himself. And wishes his brain worked like ours. And that gives me a false sense of hope. He has been tryin to do the right thing… But we both know it won’t last long. He will get bored. And crave the rush, that only stealing gives him. He has the best mAnners, takes care of himself and his home. But hurts every person who loves him. Has no relationship with his daughter. But has a great family and shows love the only way he knows how. But he doesn’t have any regard for what his actions do to those that love him. All of this is just so hard to take in. He is a master manipulator, but always comes clean to me. His family says he has never admitted to anyone about the disorder, or of his crimes and lies. And yet, I am his safe spot. Which puts me in an unsafe spot. At this point, I don’t know what to do. How do you just stop loving someone? When he is so lovable. Everyone adores him. But his disorder drives everyone away. How is it possible that he doesn’t have feelings, when he admits to wrong doings and knows the difference between right and wrong… He says he just can’t control it on impulse, and then realizes when it’s too late what he’s done. And says that’s not who he wants to be…. This is a living hell. I wish I couldn’t feel.
The threatening of suicide is a common tactic known as emotional blackmail. It is a hook played on all the elements of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). You love them. You fear they will kill themselves. You are obligated to ensure it doesn’t happen since you are the only one who understands and is there for them. You imagine how guilty you would feel if they actually carry through on the threat. Deep, dark hooks wrapped around your heart.
Mine was not ready to leave me but after catching her (without her knowing) of some horrendous frauds against me (one fraud also involving a prison story and my paying large sums to alleviate the problem), it was necessary to break-up for my own personal and financial safety. She threatened suicide. She mentioned in the past that would be her course of action if we ever broke up. I was wracked emotionally for weeks just waiting for the news of her death. It never happened. She moved on and stopped trying to contact me after 4 months. However, I steeled myself against the possibility of it actually occurring by reading articles on emotional blackmail and how no person can actually be responsible for another’s personal decision to take that step. Suicide is a wholly personal decision. Was I emotionally torn? You can bet I was! However, 7 months out I now see it as just another in the series of manipulative events and tactics she used against me. Most of those events and tactics only became clear after sufficient time and distance was established after the lifting of the FOG and NC was established.
To paraphrase a comment I read on this site in the past ” When you find yourself playing detective to try and understand a relationship you are in, it is time to get out of that relationship.”
Stay strong and think about you! Lots of Love AGPT
I like that a good plant Fear Obligation Guilt that is clever, where did you get that from? It is so true as well.
Hi Positiva,
I posted a reply yesterday but it has not come up. Maybe because I included a link in it. I first heard of FOG at a website called Out of the FOG. It is an information and support site for people with family members and/or loved ones with a personality disorder. I found it when I was being emotionally blackmailed with suicide threats.
My nightmare-
I met this man online, Just having left an abusive husband I was naive. We talked online for a few days then met. Instantly I was amazed at how well we clicked; how much was in common. Over the months he would give me sob stories on how he was the victim of the manipulative cheating wife, and how she refused to sign divorce papers. I fell in love with him, a love i didnt know actually existed it was that deep.
He seemed so kind caring and compassionate. He has a house, car, job , seemed like he had money and so on.
The first year was fabulous. One year in my oldest child began having some emotional issues. He seemed very supportive, and grew closer and closer to me. We began talking of moving in together. He would sell his home, any profit split between him and his wife, get that pesky divorce done (still not filed to this day) The profit would go into building up and re-doing our “aka my” home. He would split the responsibilities of bills with me and so on.
As talks of this began my mother went out of remission from, her cancer. At this point he began wanting a child. Not only did i want him to have a child that was “ours” but i also wanted to help my mom ewith the umbilical cord blood, so I did get pregnant with our daughter. Once i was pregnant he moved in to my house. His house never went to market for sale- foreclosed on and gone- When he moved in the sexual side went to shit, and i began finding emails to another woman- He swore it was harmless, and i believed him. My mother passed when i was 5 months pregnant.
My oldest child already in crisis couldn’t handle this loss and spiraled out of control- drugs-alcohol-sex. And I ended up in the hospital for a week. After being released things seemed fine, normal great even. Then my daughter got in trouble- from there she ran away and claimed that he tried to molest her while i was in the hospital.
At first i wanted to kill him, then he took a lie detector which was inconclusive, the police believe him, my daughter was in heavy counseling and the counselor didn’t believe she was being truthful; something i will never forgive myself for, i took his side of the truth.
My baby was born and a couple months passed and postpartum along with the death of my mother hit me so hard that I couldn’t tell up from down, i begged him for help. His way of helping was to introduce me to drugs, all sorts of drugs that always had nice nicknames. As he would get so high he couldn’t move, I would be trying to end my life, Finally, the police were called and he was arrested while high and in possession of pcp. I should have left then I know. But couldnt do that to the man i was so in love with. Honestly he wouldnt have even done anything that would harm me….would he?
He got released from prison after six weeks and he swore all the change in the world. I believed him. A year would go buy and i waited for that change that he promised slowly the fog that was my life began to lift and i started going back and documenting every thing I bought him, all the expenses and was astonished to find out he owed me nearly $50,000. How, Im not an idiot, I;m responsible stable, have my own home, raise my kids well, pay my bills, how could this be… I gave him 3 months to change. He took those three months and did nothing. I threw him out. This should have been the end.
Within a month he was wooing me all over again, fake tears with words and flowers, dates which he had never paid for in all this time, and i could only see the poor victim of his past. Eventually he moved back in. Several more months passed and some gut feeling made me look through his phone, im not a snooper and i never had really before, but what i found women…several at that….Crying screaming nothing happened, i threw him out anyway.
The next seven months, trying to convince me how he is changed- changing and will change…I began to believe his lies once again…maybe I am a touch of an idiot… Then on st.pattys day he was suppose to pick our daughter up and take her for the night, He gave me a bullshit excuse because of the parade he wouldn’t have parking could he stay on my couch and take her to the park the next day.. I was going out with a girl friend so it didn’t really matter to me. I came home after way too many drinks and passed out hard. i only have blips of what happened. But in the morning when I woke i was half undressed and in pain. Violent nature’d abuse took place,, I don’t know with what or even how I just know it did. And I was angry. He swore i was wide awake talking sober. That i know did not happen. I should have reported it. I didn’t because of our daughter and him screaming how could i think he would do such a thing even though he did…
One week later i am driving down the road with my daughter less then a mile from my home on a road im nearly never on, and I look over to the parking lot of a drug/ prostitute filled hotel and who do I see,,,,yup
The next afternoon he returns my call and denies everything for an hour till finally he was there all night but nothing happened he needed to see if what he felt for me was real and now (seven years later to the day may i add knows it is and couldn’t do anything with whom or what ever he was with) Yea ok, i’m sure they just played scrabble all night.
All in all I am out 7 years, 50,000 all self esteem, have done things I will forever regret, have lost all respect for my self; have to go for a full std and HIV panel and Have a man who keeps texting he will never give up because we were meant to be together, yet has only paid $300.00 in 4 years for his child. We are most defiantly at the no contact point and will be for as long as i live…Just pray that my baby will not be harmed by this soulless thing that invaded my life.
I am new here. I feel like I’ve been cordoned off and now I’m just beginning to see exactly who I’ve been with for the last 6yrs. I need to know that it’s safe for me to talk here. I’m scared and I need someone who wants to listen. 😦
Hello PoS & PR,
I stumbled across Sarah Tate’s book called “web of Lies,” on a search and read the beginning sample and it sounds really enlightening. (YES I ordered it:)
@Normalisboring…
I love the mountain analogy your dad spoke of. It’s an extremely powerful image and one I’m going to employ. God bless him
Hello POS & PR,
Laid in bed with emotional “DT’s” (delirium toxins) last night. I felt like my heart was going to rip its way out of my chest. I can’t believe that another woman who could care less about me has this power over me in the middle of the night when she is probably out banging some other guy for fun.
@Broken
I don’t know how to explain it….. It took me years to understand, probably longer for it to get through. The “man” I fell in love with does not exist in the body it walks around in, the NS I married. When people ask me ((ALL THE TIME)) “EEWW, WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM?” The only reply I have is “When I married him, he wasn’t like THAT”! Which is very true, he was mirroring exactly what I wanted, the image of MY PERFECT MAN, (which I have to say, is pretty hard, because I am incredibly stubborn, demanding and I high expectations of everyone and myself, so he pulled it off for a long time, must of been miserable for him to be married to me!). So the “women” you fell in love with, isn’t real, just the body is. The mind and soul, were and are FAKE, not just to you, but to everyone. A WARM BODY, I am sorry, that is the most disgusting part to me, if you can’t love me mind and soul, you don’t get the body, because I too can find a warm body anywhere, I choose not to, I just value myself more. The NS uses physical contact as a means of control, not just sex, all physical contact. ((Which is bullshit,😡)). Know what the weapons of choice are, do not let them be used against you.
When NS first left, I had the hardest time learning to be alone, and liking my OWN company, until I realized I was never truly alone, God has always been with me, and I my adult life, who had been taking care of everything? Me! So me and God! WTH!! I was so mad I could kick my own ass! Lol. It’s rediscovering YOU, it’s a healing process, focus on what your doing, not her. Be happy you have no children together, the NS and I have minor children, he tries to upset me, too bad, I am over that.
*** My dad is the best ever! He is on me to read this book, sigh, it’s on my book-to-do list, this is where he got the theory from, and several others. I guess when you retire you can read all the books you want on the beach in Hawaii, 😐
“The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable” by Nassim Nicholas Taleb
Okay, pray for me 🙏 ((more for them)), calling Apple, you know I messed my computer up AGAIN!
NIBSIH 😘
@NIBSIH,
You are just too much! Man, what a rush of positive energy, wisdom and expression you pump out! Good job. I truly love the way you talk about your dad and his insight, which you seem to possess as well.
I’m trying to draw my strength from my dad too. He is 80 yrs. old, and an amazing person. I talked to him today about my troubles. His advice wasn’t what I had expected. When he said he had something for me to read I had no idea that it would be for self-reflection (as your father too encouraged). I thought it would be about evil people.
Nope. It wasn’t. It encourages one to look within themselves. Sarah Tate talks about self-reflection as being the healing catalyst in her book “Web of Lies” It’s the journey into one’s self that often delivers them from ruin. The poem my dad shared with me is called, “The Man in the Glass (or MIrror). Here it is:
The Guy in the Glass Poem (Man in the Mirror)
When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you king for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t a man’s father, mother or wife,
Whose judgement upon him must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in life,
Is the man staring back from the glass.
He’s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end,
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test,
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But the final reward will be heartache and tears,
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
= Dale Wimbrow, first published in The American Magazine in 1934.
Wow! That pretty much sums it up! Now why aren’t children learning THIS in school? Oh – it’s to much like real life!
NIBSIH.
Hiya Broken 🙂
I hope you are doing really well 🙂
Keep going 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR,
I’m plugging along. I go through ups & downs regarding the NS, but remain no contact, except for, as I told POS, some of my friends, who meant well, informed me she was on multiple date hookup sites.
I’m focusing on getting through the day and know I’ll feel differently soon
@nibsih A great week to you too. We are stronger and wiser and have learned the hard way that they don’t define us and they don’t deserve any acknowledgement when they have their tantrums. …I’m just enjoying how everything is resolving to a best way without him on the way…best wishes on your communucation with the lawyer
@NMI
Actually, I would listen to a small man who charged me $450 an hour! So he’s charging NS to speak to me and him, and I will be speaking very slowly to his attorney.
Julie…..living two lives is the perfect way to put it as many do. Mine did and I caught him out. He acts as though it is ok. Good riddance.
This website does not work well on my phone. Started to reply and got cut off….
He has been acting so crazy. Stealing like there is no consequence. Lying. And using any drug he can get his hands on. Making no contact much easier. While I still have answered his daily calls, he knows I know the truth and hasn’t been running the usual game. He has court tomorrow morning. While it’s supposed to be reset, he has not paid the remainder of his bail- or checked into bail bonds like he is supposed to. So his family and I are hoping his bond will be revoked- and then he is facing a lengthy sentence. He thrives in jail. Structure! I do love him. But I know he has said he would rather kill himself or suicide by cop. His cocky ass is expecting to walk out a free man… So hopefully he doesn’t and I can move forward. I did well with no contact while he was in jail before. When he is out- he just shows up when I don’t answer. I am sad for his troubled mind. Thankful for the love he showed me- even if it wasn’t real.. If I can love the wrong man this deeply, I can surely look forward to real love with the right man. I am coming out of the fog. Have a lot of healing to do. His mom has been an amazing supporter to me. Explaining everything and uncovering lies. We have worked together to find truth in his stories. We are ready for peace. I love him so much, even with his faults. But I want to love this deeply and have the person feel it. And give it back…..
I’m scared he will come home tomorrow and this nightmare will continue until his sentencing…. It is too hard not to contact him when I know he’s home. And I just have a hard time believing his “feelings” aren’t genuine. But I am learning! I am exhausted- and ready for a new beginning.
I think that they can have well I don’t know if its feelings. I suppose it is, but its more ownership, possession and control. If that makes sense. its not unconditional. They can move on quickly should they choose, despite you were the love of their life an hour ago. So its fickle its different, but – its all that they know
Mine would say the same thing. “You’d believe anyone” “you love the drama, you make it up in your head” “you let people get in your head and that’s why we will never work” “you wouldn’t understand so I needed Time away” life is a game to them
Sociopath dictionary…. they all swallowed the same one at birth! 🙂
I was actually suicidal and depressed and my Spath didn’t even care. If only we could switch off like they could.
@ Broken,
It does get easier & it’s a damn hard road but, in order to get free, you have to walk it, there is no easy way. Just know that happiness is not a destination it’s a way of life & you get to choose, i choose NC & some days are crappy but, they lessen in time & I am happier the majority of the time 😃
Happy days are now outweighing the sad days so, after 12 months, i feel changed but, for the better 😃
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
@PR,
Thank you lovely Phoenix. I gotta hang on to and find solace in the fact that
1, If she meets another good guy she is going to torture him with her bullshit and go through her own internal discomfort when she gets blown off.
I must admit that there’s even a chance that she will meet a guy who is as selfish as her. ANd, that there’s a chance that this/these guys will be unscrupulous once she pisses them off. I’m not sure if I find comfort in that.
2. She is going to end up very lonely
Wow….
It is amazing to hear my thoughts in others. Just when you feel like no one understands. He attempted suicide on my birthday last year. And continued to threaten several times. My mom committed suicide 10 years ago. Which he uses in his tactics. Knowing I won’t walk away.
I have struggled to accept his diagnosis. Finding reasons, little glimmers of hope, that maybe he doesn’t actually have it…. And maybe I’m the only one who really gets him. I have uncovered so many inconsistencies. And really don’t know why I have a hard time letting go. But atleast I want to now…
I stumbled across this page in desperate hope to understand him and his disorder…. Didn’t realize how helpful it would be. Part of me always hopes he will get help and learn to change his way of thinking, like his many drs have told him. He is smart enough to do it. But does not want to.
I guess I have some sick irrational dream that he will be cured and we will have back what we once had… But the rational, smart side of me knows it will never happen.
I spent last weekend with him. I left so exhausted and mentally drained. I cried all weekend. Off and on. Switching between highs and lows. I left with a sense of closure… Like that is not what I want out of life. I wanted the dream he sold me. That he calculated up to fit my wants and needs. And financially he has sucked me dry several times… With a better excuse each time. Court is in an hour and I am just praying that he is either arrested. Or I am strong enough to continue my current thought process.
Thank you for the amazing words of wisdom. You have no idea the impact of your message. Thank you
@broken….I always think, if the person my Spath married is nice or nicer than me, she is going to get screwed big time. If she isn’t as nice as me or isn’t nice, he is going to find a new source pretty quickly. The man has no loyalty or morals, even telling me how he loves me while his wife was pregnant.
@ Broken 😃
It truly doesn’t matter what she does ir how she ends up really. As long as you aren’t lonely & you won’t be, i am sure of that. I am single & loving my own company 😃i was actually more alone with my Soc than I am now!
Its all about perception as i have said before. My Soc is not happy, never will be as they are never satisfied, like a bucket with holes in it, fill up, runs out & they keep refilling & running empty.
My bucket has no holes in it 😃😘
Be kind & love yourself & some one fantastic will hopefully appear & if not, who gives a sh*t, you will be happy within & living & loving yourself silly!
My life us truly full of love, great friends, family & even my dog us gorgeous! What more could i ask for,?
Nothing!
PR xoxo