LOL!! Yep, one day they will marry us, one day it will all be easier, one day they will have money. Heard all the same things lol. Nice to hear at the time but if only we knew that one day actually meant never.
@Ex Def,
Unfortunately Moral outrage is what we have as the Soc/Narc has no morals whatsoever!
Without a conscience you cannot know morals but, the moral to our story is never to get bitten by a Sociopath again!
Keep your chin up & your wits about you & try your hardest to put this reprehensible man far behind you.
Go out & prove that good does triumph evil.
You can do it, I know you can 😃
Love & Light,
PR xoxo
@Oneday 😃
Hi & welcome to our world 😃
Yes, that old ‘oneday’ gets trotted out alot!
The patterning & predictabilityis mind blowing really.
Take comfort here & know you are not alone, nor are you neurotic etc…
The crazy making behavior is legendary & leaves all of us reeling.
Your in good company here as we are all mad as hatters because we dare call a spade a spade! If you tell others that havent experienced a sociopath/narc, you will appear ‘nuts’.
I couldn’t believe my own story for ages & thought I had gone mad!
My advice is stay here & vent & rage & share & heal. Feel it, deal with it & heal it, in that order.
Its bloody hard but, a lot here have run this gauntlet & guess what?
We aren’t mad, we aren’t ashamed & we are free of the ‘crazy making’ mind gaming, delusional world of Soc’s. 😃
You will be okay, believe me as I gave 10 years to the void that was my Soc & I am safe now & in a better place than ever before. 😃
Read everything, learn as much as you can about disordered minds, learn about your inner guidance & never ever stop believing that you will find YOU again. You deserve to be happy & rest assured, you will be again. not oneday but, someday very soon.
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
I found out that my ex went on an overseas trip. Makes me sick cause he is always claiming he doesn’t have money and he owes me money but he can afford an overseas holiday. Wonder which women paid for that or who did he rip off. I just want my money back 😦
I recently found out that he now has a daughter. I saw the photo and she looked about 6 months old. Further investigations (aka Facebook snooping on his relatives pages) I discovered that the baby was born at least on 1 September last year. Made me sick. He had no guts to break up with me. As I was stressing to know where he was as he was in his “silent treatment” phase, he got this other women pregnant. They married quite quickly. Alllll makes sense to me now. Yet, when he was claiming his love for me 3 weeks after the wedding, no mention that he got her pregnant. Did he not think I would work out the timeline? Sneaky bastard. What makes it even worse was that I didn’t even know his wife was pregnant and he was sending me “I love you” messages and how things will get better. I was talking to him. He was telling me that he only married for a reason and his wife knew about me. Makes me sick that he was trying to cheat with me while his wife was pregnant. No morals at all.
This may sound a tad weird seeming as I’m coming here to rage, but I need to blow off some steam, even though I’m probably not one that should be >.>
I’ve asked this before, but it still confounds me. Why are people so stupid -.-
I want to know if I am justified here.
There was someone who posted on another site that they wanted to kill themselves. I told them not to, as you should wait until you can think rationally so you avoid doing something you’ll regret. I went on to say how the feeling would pass and you shouldn’t, but I also said if you really truly wanted to, who am I to stop you, or anybody for that matter.
I then get two different people, (funny enough one claiming to be a sociopath, but she was unintelligent to say the LEAST, and judging by her previous posts she was a complete poser, which angers me in itself), but the other one was the problem. She went on to say that I just attempted to convince OP to kill herself and it’s a crime. Yet I did not. I told her I did not, attempted to clarify what I said in a nice, smooth tone, yet she began to ridicule me and say I shouldn’t take my problems out on girls who want to kill themselves (apparently I took something out on the poor girl) and I’m insane, and then continued to insult my intellect, and blocked me before I could prove how very wrong she was.
As you may know, lack of logic is my trigger. It sets me off like fireworks. And this is not the first time this has happened today. In fact, today has been pretty bad with all the anger.
I’m really not one to come to someone to rant, it just surprises me to no end how idiotic people really can be. It really is what pushes me so close to just isolating myself from everybody permanently.
It’s bloody hard work -.- (I’m starting to doubt how sarcastic I am about that last part).
Lyss, maybe take a breather….. I have to go back through the comments (I am working backwards) – but I did see a comment that you made (on my phone when I was out) – about how sociopaths come from abuse. (often anyway) it was odd that you had written that, as I was in the pub, there was an 8 year old child, and a woman in the pub who was so drunk, she could barely keep herself up straight. I thought that she was with a man who seemed sober, and was shocked, when the little girl, almost pulled her mum out of the pub (I know the little girl was 8 as I had been talking to her in the garden). This upset me, and I said to the person that I was with….. and that is how sometimes sociopaths are made….. it was after this that I saw your comment.
@lyss
Ugh my phone is so stupid, I’ve been trying to log on all day. It’s been my experience (I work as a emergency dispatcher for a very long time). If someone wants to commit suicide, they will. Most of the time, they don’t tell anyone or if they do, it’s moments prior. The ones who talk about it, want help, truly, or selfishly want attention. It’s a 50/50. As far as being blocked? Lol, obviously the other party was losing the argument, so don’t be offended, you can’t foolishly lose a argument if you block your opponent. I think it’s rather funny actually. So take it as a compliment. I see your logic in participating in this type of conversation, because of the high emotion people tend to have, everyone’s feelings are on their sleeve due to the nature. I too do not usually say the “right” things. So I say nothing.
It’s wordpress & it has been overloaded etc…
If you don’t tick boxes at the bottom, you won’t get feedback & also this post MY STORY seems to prevent it due to the amount on it?
Try going under a different post & direct to the person as usual?
@normalisboringsoiheard
Hah, thanks. Your comment made me chuckle ;3 but that happened about 5 different times that day, I was getting a bit frustrated.
I’ve learned to, as hard as it is, to shut y mouth when I have a contradictory opinion. However I didn’t actually have a contradictory one, people just seemed to take everything I said the wrong way because EMOTIONS RIGHT.
Ah well.
@positivagirl
Sorry, shouldn’t have ranted >.> just felt it might have gotten some people to see how the rage that they apparently all know so well is completely justified sometimes, and that I did actually attempt to help someone, despite not caring for their fate. And obviously you know of the comments to boopsiekisses >.> also thanks for quoting me in your new article and all >.> it’s good to see people being able to see why sociopaths exist, rather than just what they are and judging them on that.
Thank you PR. I have been really struggling lately. A few nights that I have been alone, I have been crying. I feel like I put this fake smile on to the world when really I just want to be sad and not face the world. I no longer have anybody to talk to about this, with the exception of this place. I have discovered that living by myself isn’t good at all as I don’t have anybody to talk to at night time so I just start to think about things. So I have a friend moving in with me at the end of May. Her company will be great and maybe I will move towards going out again. I think I have held onto my ex because I have been afraid to start the dating process all over again. Also afraid of finding out what the consequences of being with a Sociopath has been when it comes to starting a new relationship eg. how much will I trust a person now.
Yes, that old Ego (mind chatter) will undo all the good work if you let it!
It is hard & I know how you feel but, please start with trusting yourself & your instincts.
You have recognized that whilst isolation is good in some respects, it leaves you open to the mind of doubt & undermining. Ego loves to get you alone so, having someone move in is a must!
Please trust in yourself first that you can survive this trauma & do all the necessary healing work. It’s a daily & minute by minute thing that you must do, like exercise etc…walk your talk & talk yourself back into your awareness. It’s not about making the journey but, more about undoing the journey to find the ‘real you’.
I have a new mantra, ‘As above, so below’ & I say it over & over to reinforce that my higher self must think on both levels always!
I get back what I give out & I choose to give out positive as much as possible.
You will get better but, only you are in control.
Holding onto others for whatever reason is pointless & they can go anytime, for many reasons.
Ultimately you must rely only on yourself & once you know this deep down, you will realize you are worthy of only the best.
Your Inner Goddess is alive & well so, hang out with her more 🙂
i find that i am so weak when it comes to him. i am still wanting to fix him, still wanting the lies to be truth. How do i face the truth when my stubborn brain wont!
@oneday,
You just have to wait until your head & heart catch up together.
When you realise that you cannot fix him & only yourself, you will be on the healing path.
Your in the early stages of processing your thoughts etc…cognitive dissonance where you are trying to reconcile the good him against the bad him. You know deep down but, cannot let go.
Until you start recognising that holding out fir more of the same is useless, you will continue to suffer.
Just read & learn as much about this personality type & eventually you will see your truth.
Its not easy but, believe that you are fighting for yourself & your worth it.
Metal is forged in fire & your strength will come but, you will walk through fire to find it I’m afraid.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I guess so, its because I have not cut him out of my life that’s why I can’t move on. I still listen to his lies, hoping that it is the truth, but here it is, today I spent an hour trying to fix his CV to make him more marketable and he is at home with his family, fixing his pool pump???!!!! What is wrong with me.
This is a man, who has lied to me, deceived, stalked me, betrayed me and left me crying in a heap on the floor over and over again. Without batting an eye, walked out on me.
Somedays I hate him so much but some days I wonder if I could have done something to fix it.
I feel insane 😦
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
I agree with you-Phoenix Rising. I appreciate your comments and positive energy for the people who are on this blog.
@oneday aka andre?
You are allowing the abuse to continue because you love him.
I was like you for 10 years so, you are in good company 😉
I completed an advanced diploma for mine to keep his ranking at work!
You see, they act consciously without conscience whereas, we act with conscience but, usually unconscious due to the ‘mind gaming’ we have endured. Have a look at physcopathyawareness.com.
Sorry i don’t have link & my spelling is atrocious on phone (ha ha)
You must realise that this is your journey but, unless you go No Contact, you will stay trapped & gamed forever. They never let go, you have too if you want to find peace & love.
They sell you a fairytale but, there is no happy ending with them ever, just more games & more brainwashing until your eventual demise.
Save yourself if you can & trust that your life will be better & more meaningful. You’ll wake up & manifest your dreams into reality if you want too?
PR xoxo
Ok, andre is my nephew, lol, got his emails set up on my ph…. Sigh. Makes messaging more complicated. Tx for all the support. I do feel like I am going nuts
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
hi my post below still has my email address showing. can u please delete it, pretty pls
Hi Oneday,
Your email came up on last post, not sure you want that out there, Pos can remove it?
Welcome to the ‘crazy’ world of sociopaths, you aren’t going ‘nuts’, but, you are keeping company with someone that will almost certainly drive you insane. Go NC & you will feel better.
Don’t do his CV & then watch what happens, he will give you the silent treatment etc…& around you’ll go, time & again until you take back your control. It’s up to you now.
Thank you all for your wisdom$
Please remove my email, I don’t know how I made it appear 🙂
Oneday
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Hi Oneday,
I don’t administer the site, Pos does.
I have asked her via here to take your email off & will ask her via email.
You can email her via Datingasociopath contact details on the site. I am on phone so can’t bring up link.
I just contribute but, it’s Pos’s site & she has to find your replies & take it off.
Don’t panic, i did it once as well, not sure how it happens?
PR xoxo
Run away…run as fast as you can and don’t look back. I stayed with mine for four years until I had exhausted every possible thing that I could try and he had taken my heart, ripped it out of my chest, stomped it, peed on it and burned it…At this point I would not spit on him if he were on fire. Run now…life is too short and you do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve a man who adores you!
I had no clue what was going on!! I just finally got logged back on the website piece of crap computers!! Not even the phone was letting me and iPhone app is poop!! Haha,
I guess so. I don’t have control over who gets posts? They are sent to whoever is following the blog via email?
It is wordpress that does that, not me. I don’t even know who is in the ‘follow’ list. Even if I did, if someone is following a blog, I have no way to stop posts being sent to someone?
This is a bit weird.
It probably was my email, sometimes it’s like I get 25 in a big glob, then nothing? I think I am switching it. 😡!
April 29, 2014
Dear Husband,
This letter is to wonder. I wonder about so many things that happened during our time/marriage together and so I am asking/putting on paper. I wonder why when we went to the room after getting married you went straight to the phone to call your relatives instead of kissing me or wanting to make love. I wonder why during that same first night of marriage you slept in the other bed, (there were two in the room). I wonder why you cheated on me two days later with your old girlfriend. Or should I just say friend? I wonder why you even got married. I wonder why one Sunday I came to Wichita to go to church with you and you were not there but you called me about an hour later…about the time I got back to Hutch. I wonder where you were?
I wonder why you lied and said you were not flirting with those women/girls at your son’s party in Wichita when clearly you were. I wonder why you don’t ever own up to anything you do but clearly and swiftly point the finger to see my wrongs. I wonder why you are never flirting with any woman when clearly you are…or staring at any woman…and I mean craning your neck to stare. I wonder why you wanted me to send my children away out of the house to live with their dad but yet I was glad to have your child live with us. You never want to have sex or touch me or go out of town with me but you want me to just be there in case you need me…like a statue or something…just be there and be still. I wonder why you lie to me, steal from people, cheat on me and pray with me prior to your stepping out to cheat. I wonder what makes you Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I wonder if you get confused at times. You look like you do. You look very perplexed at times when I question you about things.
I wonder why you lied to me continuously for five months and told me you were going to get another job at a barber shop since you knew it bothered me for you to work in that salon but you never told me you had no intention of quitting. I wonder why it never mattered to you that I waited for you for ten years and then you treated me the way you did. No sex, no love, no fun things together like going to the movies or going anywhere. I wonder why you always wanted me to be there for you but you gave nothing back that I asked for like sex, love, or doing things together. I wonder. I wonder why you made such a big deal out of me waiting for you for ten years in front of a crowd of strangers at Fur’s that one night but you never told me yourself that it mattered. You put on quite a show that night asking people to pray for us. Please. I wonder why.
I wonder why you asked your so called church friends to help load up my truck to move but never bothered to tell me you weren’t going to be with me. I wonder why you told your PO and Debbie from church but not your own wife. I wonder. I wonder why you always try to make yourself look so good when in fact you are not at all. Why do you play the part of the so called Christian when in fact you have not received the Holy Spirit? There is no possible way that you could have. Many people have told me this is so…that you have not. Why…I wonder do you play the part of the Christian…you play usher, you cut hair for free, you make coffee early at church and you give and give and give and then crap all over others. Does your right hand know what your left hand is doing? I’ll bargain not. You kind of remind me of BTK…he was a deacon at his church and a cold blooded serial killer at the same time. He was from Wichita too.
Are you anything like him? Do your Christian friends know that you rage and pound your first and act like a drill sergeant and yell and look at porno? Do they know that Bob? Or do they only know what you want them to know? Are you just a mirror of whomever you are with…just a reflection of their actions? I’ll act Christian for the Christians but if that person makes me mad I’ll let them have it. How Christ like of you!
And after we were separated that was a brilliant stroke of genius to come 700 miles on Thanksgiving to visit so you could text you’re so called friend/coworker to tell her to call you while telling me to sit on the couch at that same moment to make me mad/jealous. Brilliant. NOT. You really have a big thing for jealousy. Don’t want love from a woman but do. How many several or none? Can’t make up your mind??? Or minds? Are you telling the shrink all this? I don’t even think you are going to see a shrink. I called that place through the State and that Emily said he doesn’t come here. I thought you said you were talking about inner child stuff. When your mom’s friend had sex with you that was not love it was molestation. It was sick. It was wrong. You have been wronged my friend.
I wonder why you walked around the church prior to church starting and hugged all the women and when you finally sat down next to me you would not put your arm around me. I wonder why. I wonder why everyone else and ever thing else was so damned important to you but not me…the woman who loved you and waited for you for 10 years while you were in prison. I wonder why? I wonder why you said we’d be together for ever. I wonder why. I wonder why we even went to counseling. I wonder why. I wonder why you jumped up in front of the counselor and flipped me off and said f…you to me in front of him during counseling. I don’t even know what that was about. I wonder why? I wonder why? Why did you put on an affection show for my best friend when she visited and when we visited my other friend’s church. Why you were so all affectionate then but after church…nothing…shows over everybody…go home. And after we dropped off my friend…shows over everyone go home. I wonder why?
I wonder why when I asked you to go to a work function with me on July 3rd for one hour during your lunch you could not go because you said you’d be so busy the day prior to a holiday. When I came to visit your work that day not one person was there except for you and the harem of coworkers. I said how can you not give me one hour of your time when I waited for you for ten years? You said, “You could have left, any time.” Ahhh these are the gems…the jewels…the words of wisdom I wait for from you. I wonder why?
I wonder why when I would ask you specifically to not bring things into our home from these women coworkers you always made a point to do just that. I wonder why? Because you’re sick? Yes, that’s why!
Hi Shelley 🙂
Well done & I hope that writing it down & putting it here has helped you get some peace & healing.
I think as you write, you get your answers as we all do. Suddenly all the behavior & lies are written in your hand & you see them instead of just think them.
I wrote to my Soc as my final closure, i deconstructed his life of illusion & told him of his pathy & gave examples of each trait that i witnessed.
I requested he never contact me ever again & I will not respond if he does.
I felt great to get it off my chest & not leave it hanging as he had always left me like that. I had the last word & I told the truth & used integrity & values as my strength. If he read it & I know he did, he will be annoyed that I figured him out in all his ‘gory’!!
I forgave him for his inability to be real & authentic & i forgave myself for allowing him to treat me as a possession without appreciating my worth as a person.
I hope you get the opportunity to send you letter, it doesn’t mean breaking no contact, it means taking responsibility for yourself & your closure. Your closure & not his, you take back your power as the truth is revealed finally.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. They have selective memories & selective amnesia but, we don’t so, speak your truth always 🙂
” You never want to have sex or touch me or go out of town with me but you want me to just be there in case you need me…like a statue or something…just be there and be still. I wonder why you lie to me, steal from people, cheat on me and pray with me prior to your stepping out to cheat. ”
Yep!!!! My partner had every excuse under the sun not to touch me or not have sex with me. I barely said anything to him about it. I put up with it. He even said that if a women walked into the room naked, he wouldn’t react to it. He also said that his penis was “broken”. It was fixed 10 minths later when he got his other girlfriend pregnant. He would leer at women right in front of me. I pretended to not notice. Oh and according to him, there was also plenty of time for us to have sex in the future. Not anymore cause there is no way I will have sex with him again.
I can understand why no intimacy can cause you to question your relationship. It really does play with your head. Especially during the honeymoon period.
I finely managed to get away from my sociopathic ex. I dated the man for 3 month ones I found out he was a parasite I distant myself from him. He proposed to me ones he found out that I was getting away and on path of breaking up, I told him ‘’a marriage is out of question and I want you out of my life’’. My ex took me on 2 dates and as soon he found out where I live he tried to make himself home at my place by coming around every evening for cup of tea. In the beginning I wanted to be polite and told him to call me 3 days in advance so we can meet in the City, ones I realised he was playing a game politeness was damned and I stopped answering my door bell and phone. He also lied about a lot of things such as claiming he had a law degree and wanted to be a solicitor, he always had financial problems and tried to get money from me and I found out through his own doing that he has a pattern of not getting along with the women in his family. He claimed his sister was a whore, his aunt trash, his mother a prostitute and his grandmother an old idiot. I told him he was a misogynist with sociopathic tendencies and needed help from a mental health professional. I refused to have that dysfunctional man in my life and now he has been stalking and harassing me for 2 and half years. I changed my numbers on several occasions and ignored him but the problem is he knows where I live so he would come around in the evening trying to get into the house. Seriously after I broke up with him he became more obsessed with trying to get into my house, he was trying to gain entree into my house so he can gain control over me. In January this year he tried to break in. I came one morning from work and found cracks in the front window, I contacted the landlord who told me he would fix it within 24hours. I thought at that time it might have been an accident but I had a feeling it could have been my ex. In the afternoon I went to sleep to catch up on sleep and I heard some form of scratching around the house. I live alone and I’m a light sleeper but there is always some form of construction work going on in my neighbourhood so I didn’t pay much attention to it. I realised after a while of trying to fall a sleep that the noise was way to close to be from outside work. Ones I got to the window and pulled the curtain I saw my ex standing there working on demolishing my window with a pocket knife. I called the police on him and they have put a restraining order on him instead of arresting him. I’m hoping that I don’t have to deal with him anymore either way I’m on self defence classes and got myself armed, I won’t weight around for that man to break into my house and rape me.
I was doing so good..left my abusive socio in the middle of the night 10 months ago……now overnight am plunged back into pain and terror after one of his ex wives…..I am the 4th told me he got 2 dogs and is moving to another state. I am feeling If don’t talk to someone who understands what monsters these guys are my head will EXPLODE……….we were married almost 14 years….and he would
never LET me get a dog……well I did finally get two 5-6 years ago.
One of the reasons i stayed so long was he said if I left I could only
take one. A couple months before I left I caught him sexually abusing one of my dogs..both are female…..so now am obsessed to know if either of those dogs are also female……
Also he said if I didn’t divorce him (tax reasons) he would continue to send me money every month…well that lasted a very short time.
Due to all the stress, I was very ill and my new doctor has diagnosed PTSD….This manifests as I am in joint and muscle pain most of the time.
sorry for the long rant and run on sentences……………….
What is driving me crazy is I want to know if anyone thinks you can reason with a sociopath? When i agreed to marry we made a pact that if we ever split we would both “be reasonable”. All I have been doing for the last 3 days is composing emails in my head that he will listen to without attacking me …..I didn’t respond to any of his emails til last week…which I now regret…I keep thinking if I can just say the “right thing he will listen.
Hi Johnny, thank you for your story, and welcome to the site.
You ask, can you reason with a sociopath? It depends where they are in their headspace at the time. Where you are in their life, to listen to reason.
Usually what they do is of benefit to themselves. So they listen to reason if it gets what they want.
They hate losing control and they hate losing. So, when they are losing control the mask of insanity goes up and they won’t ever listen to reason then.
I think it really depends on the individual as they are all different. If you don’t want to be with him anymore – trying to reason with him will only enable him to continue to play a game with you, and he will too. This will be painful. Its a lot of energy and effort – for what?
Again, please don’t beat yourself up, trying to say the right thing. This type of individual NOTHING you say will be right. I dated one like this. Its drainnig and you will drain yourself and suck your energy out of you trying to please, but nothing will ever be good enough. By trying to say the right thing – you are assuming that he thinks like you – he doesn’t.The only right thing that you can say to a sociopath is ‘I am under your control now you do what you want’….. .
you are spot on about they don’t hear or care about anything you say…..today I googled “Can you reason with a 1.sociopath 2. narcissist
3. bipolar?” and everyone said save your breath…..I am soooo glad I found this site…I am feeling much better and also went to my old alanon meeting and then visited a dear old friend…I have hardly left my house ….I don’t feel so alone and other…thanks for the encouragement ….most of my thinking is faulty and since leaving I am remembering so much horrible stuff from being with him. Now today I have laughed so much and can feel like I am a beautiful human being that he didn’t deserve to be with me………also saw here about going through the stages of grief as a way to get well
No matter what you have been through, I am sure that we can all relate. Just try to take one day at a time, at least at first. This will help you to keep the focus on you, and it won’t feel so overwhelming. Keep it small.
When someone has abused you, it can be difficult to get into the mode of ‘thinking for yourself’ ….
It is good that you have been laughing today – laughter is healing. You know just smiling can release endorphines in your brain and make you feel better.
The stages of grief, are true. I was grieving as well as traumatised when a lot happened to me. (two significant deaths in less than 2 years). I think when you understand the grieving process, it is not so scary – just to know that while you don’t feel normal, you are at least normal for where you are in healing and recovery.
It doesn’t matter where you are, as long as you are moving forward 🙂
Nope you can’t reason with them at all. Their way of thinking is the right way of thinking. They will argue that the sky is yellow if you say it is blue. They also think you are weak and pathetic because you show emotion and talk about your feelings or want to talk about the future. I always felt like I was the bad person or I tried to change his point of view of me as I got the impression that he thought I was an awful person. He always told me to stop being emotional and to start thinking logically. When he found a new source, it got worse. I was so angry, confused and messed in the head (really foggy mind!) that I was sending him message after message trying to get him to respond to me. Then he would say “what!”. Now that I have come out of the fog (although stepped a few steps back) I see what an awful person he actually was to me. It wasn’t me that was the awful person, he was. He took, took, took. He thought I would be ok with him marrying someone else and get over it within a month of contact with him again. That’s how unemotional he was and out of touch from reality. He also blames me for it all as I was “crazy” before he got married as when I got angry he would say “you are always like this!” and then when we got in contact after his marriage and I was angry he would say “you are always like this even before I got married!”. I would never have had a fulfilling relationship or marriage with him. He would always have a secret to hide and have 2 lives. He portrays as a family man but I know who he really is and he is only a very selfish man that only worries about his needs. I pity his wife as she has married a man like this. A man who, 3 weeks after marrying her, was telling me he can’t stop loving me and she was pregnant with his baby!!!
I am no longer his source so he doesn’t care about me. They are very awful creatures. Wish we could ship them all off to some deserted island.
I’ve found people on this site have a tendency to convince themselves they know everything there is to know about sociopaths. Also the word they is so damn common. Merely an observation, it’s as if people don’t want to think of a sociopath as the same species. Amusing.
Let me find some examples first. (All from the first page of comments from this very post)
They have selective memories & selective amnesia but, we don’t so, speak your truth always 🙂
The only right thing that you can say to a sociopath is ‘I am under your control now you do what you want
today I googled “Can you reason with a 1.sociopath 2. narcissist
3. bipolar?” and everyone said save your breath
Nope you can’t reason with them at all. Their way of thinking is the right way of thinking. They will argue that the sky is yellow if you say it is blue. They also think you are weak and pathetic because you show emotion and talk about your feelings or want to talk about the future.
It’s really like if you’ve been with one you’ve been with all. They are all the same. I keep waiting to see differences but there is none. at least no significant difference.
They, from the beginning, needed us to feed off. They tried to feed off us like vampires, and did for awhile, but in the end our own spiritual strength and intuition made us break free.
The difference is that Ego is in full control of the Soc & doesn’t get reigned in ever.
The Soc’s see us a bit like ‘fuel’ & they come to fill up their ‘car’.
Except, we aren’t petrol, were people & that endless, fill, pump,empty, fill again is sadly all they are capable of.
Socios say things to hurt you cos their pride is hurt so they think what they are saying is justified think how children are and how they respond. … Out of spite and retaliation. It’s like that.
A Soc/narc has a huge dose & they see themselves as superior & perfect.
The Soc pretends to have these skills but, its all pretense & they cannot hold their ‘bottle’ when really challenged, hence they start demeaning or deflecting & leave us reeling!
Does it help you guys if you think you’ve become a pro on something after you’ve had an issue? It confounds me, it truly does. Please, I would actually like an answer to that. Does pretending help? Does it make you feel better to act as if you’re smarter now and because of one experience with, quite likely, not a sociopath, you think you know all there is to know and you have some power to ‘warn’ people of these ‘signs’?
Every single one of these is incorrect, which is the great thing. Addressing some main ones
What the hell made anyone think sociopaths have selective memory. It’s a lack of empathy not a lack of brains. There’s also a difference between forgetting and deciding it’s irrelevant and ignoring it. However, if ‘your’ sociopath seemed to actually forget things, he’s an idiot. Not a sociopath. Learn the difference.
You can reason with all of the intelligent ones. Here’s how it works. We will lay out our points, listen to yours, see if we can refute them, if not and yours turns out to be more logical, we will end up agreeing with you. I’ve done that many times before. However, believe it or not, chances are if the person you’re debating with isn’t agreeing, it’s because your point is far less logical. Again, for intelligent ones, only.
Which brings me to another point, there is a difference between a retard and a sociopath. Jesus fucking Christ people.
Actually, reading over every single one of these, I’m realising they all have the same answer. You picking sociopaths isn’t the problem. You picking dumbasses, however, is. Dumbass and sociopath are not interchangeable, if you didn’t get that.
How about “Dating a half-brained fool”. I reckon a lot of people here should transfer.
On another note.
I’ve recently looked over some old songs of mine, and looked deeper into the lyrics. I found something that stood out to me in quite a few songs. Can only remember two songs as of the moment.
Lean on Me (Bill Withers):
Lean on me when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on
You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
I’ll be there for you (The Rembrandts):
No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with
Someone I’ll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I’m best with you, Yeah!
I’ll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I’ll be there for you
(Like I’ve been there before)
I’ll be there for you
(‘Cause you’re there for me too)
The lyrics are showing selfishness, the kind you all seem to contribute to sociopathy. But yet, it is obvious these songs are not written by those who are sociopaths, and have just as much empathy. Being there for someone, just so when you have a bad time they’re obliged to do the same? Is that not what was brought up in another conversation, and someone replied doing exactly that was selfish and shows no empathy and that you’re only self-serving?
This double standard frustrates me…
@Lyss
Acceptance of my experience is my personal journey.
Knowing that I will not get full closure from my Socio or whatever he is has healed me.
My opinions are mine as is my experience. I do not need to debate/argue/justify them to you.
I am on my path as an Empath & you are on your path whatever that is?
@Pheonix Rising
I did not ask you to justify your experience, nor did you answer any of my questions >.>
Seeming as you replied however, I’ll ask you a separate question. Why do you need closure? What difference does it make in your mind? Emotional issues are not comparable to physical ones; they do not need healing.
Everybody needs closure. Or at least normal people do. Often when it ends with a sociopath, it is sudden, unexplained, without warning. Often the partner is telling you that you are the love of their life only hours before. This is difficult. What makes it worse is that you the victim are often made out (by the socio) to be the blame. You need closure, because for the victim it makes no logical sense. Sociopaths are charming and charismatic often victims have no idea of the truth until it ends. They are then stuck lost,, in love with a person who didn’t really exist who is a false persona. This can be very difficult to accept and heal from.
@lyss
I can’t speak for everyone only myself, in my experiences, it was the betrayal and heartbreak of how someone could use intimacy, vulnerability, undying belief and hope against them, for their own personal gain, (whatever it maybe). While you may not be this way, there are some who think nothing to leave a person with nothing in the street, who professed undying forever love just an hour before, true story.
Reason I believe he is NS, patterned of learned behavior, (he is cycling through his third “marriage” since we separated), and honestly a statement you made in one of our first conversations I believe,
“….A sociopath does not need nor want help, it’s an altered way of thinking, not a condition”.
It stunned me, because it true and I see him altering my children. I have no idea how to stop it.
As far as closure, My ex is who he is, and honestly, he is addled with addiction, alcohol, drugs, gambling, women, etc. I don’t want anything to do with him. So him “discarding” me, was a favor. Which when the opportunity arises, I thank him. 😊.
I tried to find the most logic of words to explain. I get indirectness flusters you. Hope it helps.
Hi Lyss,
I think your supposition that, “Emotional issues are not comparable to physical ones; they do not need healing,” is off-base, to put it lightly. Not only can emotional-mental abuse be more damaging than physical, it can be more pervasive and harder to target the associated root issue.
Of course it would be nice if a sociopath could salve the damage they do but, because—as you seem to verify—they don’t even understand the breach, they are not really a capable source for repair. Most here feel their emotional-mental wounds are best addressed by digging deeper into themselves with the help of a compassionate professional, but no doubt they need to be addressed for us to be able to be fully healthy enough to move on. A person of any type of abuse can’t carry residual anger, resentment, confusion, or conflict and expect healthy future relationships.
I rather have to marvel that you don’t even seem to question the possibility of fallacy in your thinking. But, I guess it would make sense that it would be an ill mind that would most whole-heartedly discount the need for a doctor.
I agree absolutely jusa. I have spent years arguing this same point.
@Jusagurl,
Thank you! 😊
@jusagurl, Ex def an S
I think many people misunderstood what I meant in my previous comment. It is not that I do not understand pain, I do. My thinking is not that the issue does not need resolving, merely this ‘closure’, in my eyes, is an inefficient and pointless way to do it. My thinking is that, you get hurt, you do something about it, or you do not, but either way you get the fuck over it. Wallowing in self-pity gets nowhere, which is why closure is a term I find somewhat alludes me.
Also, if I could possibly bring your attention to my original post, with the lyrics, as no one has addressed that yet.
Ummm how do you get the fuck over it if you have no closure? Don’t you realise (you should if a socio) many people are still in love with the wonderful caring masked persona they were presented with. The cold unemotional person, feels alien. It is like the person they were in love with vanished (or died) and this is very hard. At least when someone dies there is usually a funeral. If the death was unexplained there would be an inquest which would provide answers. It’s just not normal. Or logical and to us it makes no sense at all.
@positivagirl
When someone dies, I would want to find out the cause of death merely to appease my curiosity, not because it would help me emotionally in any way. I would want to see how accurately I could guess the cause of death, and see if I was right.
I’ve told people already I do not want a funeral, or at least do not wish to be talked about when I am gone. But eh.
See, usually, the reason for leaving is logical in some way. Which is why you find out why, not for closure, but instead to gain knowledge.
I really just don’t see how being sad ever helps anyone. It stops you doing things you should be doing, and it annoys people around you.
Sadness, unfortunately is something that you can do little about, for someone who has emotions. I think that this is what is so painful for victims, because socios often put on the mask to mirror that they are ‘so in love’, to us when you walk away and there are no emotions, it then becomes clear that we were lied to. As our definition of love is all that we know. To us, we don’t just switch off emotions. Having a logical reason to leave wouldn’t stop us loving someone.
In that sense, being without emotions like that which you can switch off, you are (I have thought) at an advantage.
Mind you, one of the bonuses of sociopaths (I have found) is that they also move on after arguments just as fast. So arguments are not long drawn out events. I always appreciated that. We would fight so bad. Then next time I saw him it was forgotten as If it never happened. I always saw that as a bonus. Of course the not drawing our arguments does not include if evidence can be used against you for manipulative or controlling reasons. Also if you have really hacked off the sociopath and they think they will never see you again anyway they might just show you by ruining and smear campaigns to destroy you. But the rest like a huge row. Next day socio can act as if it never happened.
@ Lyss, LOL your post was-Beautiful and Brilliant. Thank you:) I could not agree with you more. Selective hearing v I don’t give a flying fuck and your point is frivolous and rather ignorant…Loved it. Still laughing
@Lyss…….if mine isn’t a Sociopath, he is the biggest idiot , narcissistic loser ever. I am not an expert on the topic but after living through the hurt another human being inflected on me, I want to support a person that is going through a hard time. I am yet to have a friend that has gone through the same situation as myself, and they are probably grateful for, so it is nice to talk to people who relate.
Hi Ex & Ditto,
We are not here to justify what we think re our experience. We are here to help each other & support & heal.
Remember that you cannot get closure from a Soc/Narc/loser but, talking with others that ‘get you’ & don’t ‘bait you’ is better for you so, No Contact is best even here 😉
You will come to acceptance & realise that you are worthy & deserving of truth, integrity & honesty.
Love & Light.
PR xoxo
@Ex def an S
A Previous post of yours says that ‘they are very awful creatures. Wish we could ship them all off to some deserted island’. May I ask what compelled you to think this way about all of them? Sure, hate one, but the others had nothing to do with it.
lov’n this site….just to be validated and heard,,,I feel a million times lighter…still having bad nightmares about him after me …but now just log on and get more information affirming…no, i am not crazy as he said…that HE is one SICK COOKIE….hope i am posting this in the right place…thanks everyone for your shares. I still can’t tell my whole horrid story. little by little i have come to accept I am really brave for getting the fuck away from him….My hands are still shaking but at least i can get dressed and go to yoga today.
Hi Johnny 😃
You are brave & we all make mistakes. Accepting this is more significant than the mistake of allowing this person into your life.
You will find in time as you share, learn etc…that you are resilient & more powerful than you ever imagined.
Have fun at yoga & be the Lotus & bloom 😘
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
Thanks PR..I am shocked that I the victim feel so much Shame about marrying him after 26 years of so happily single, well liked, just got graphic arts degree, great sense of humor…….self hate…depression is really anger unexpressed turned inward. Remembering one day he suddenly said “GOD you used to be so NICE…now you are such a bitch,,” “all my wives turn into bitches”…I am #4 ….I stood up to him
Rruly nice and you were pretending to be nice and now I see you as u really are….,well that is when the physical abuse started and the emotional, mental, physiological escalated.. I think he had totaled the car and was just telling me lie after lie about how it happened. WELL am starting to feel dizzy just writing this…..at my alanon meeting I told a few friends a little bit about what he did to me so at least I am getting some of the anger out that us making me so i’ll…doctor says living under so much stress for so long it is like PTSD……gheeesshhh I think he wanted to kill me or something….but has realized he has such self hate….he put it on me. Loved someone said here, they are salesman with no product. using only 6 words to state your whole life in a class I said “hitched my wagon to shooting star” also being with him with him was like being tied to the back of a runaway horse….OK rants over! everyone be good to yourselves today and I will too.
Hi all. I have not been here in awhile as old sociopath dude not an issue. But i have a story I must get off of my chest and I do not want totalk to the perpetrators because they likely wont care and I do not want them to know how utterly gutted I am. My heart is broken. This is just a friend story…
18 years ago I was mad in love with a man and we had a child together. After the breakup way back in the 90s we have been best best friends. We could hang out.. have laughs… we bothed moved on romantically but we were still a family. I did not know how much he meant to me until he moved across country to work and for some reason I cried my eyes out. Anyway…got over that… he hung out when he visited etc. We have had a few fights here and there over parenting and money etc bit never anything to kill the bond.
2nd person- my girlfriend of a few years we had a huge fight once and i ended a friendship with another long time friend of mine and those two immediately became besties. They were both out of my life for some time and one still is. The other one apologized and gave me some drivel about wanting to be around happy positive people so I made up with her. Eventually of course she met my baby daddy friend at my house over a couple of drinks. He hit on her …she wasnt interested sexually but she did not mind befriending and hanging out with him. I took this in stride even though i knew it broke girl code… you just. Dont. Hang with your friends baby daddy exes. Am i wrong?
I had another fight with him last summer …. not any different from anyother. He ended up having to pay more child support. I knew he wasnt talking to me as much but never in a milliom years did i think we did not love each other. I have just found out this whole time since my supposed best friend (who should be on my side full stop) has been hanging and now she says ‘ohhhh he is like a brother to me’. Yeah… cuz.. he was to me for decades and now when i am upset to have lost him as a close friend (never mind the father if my child) you swoop in and suck it all up for yourself. Incredible to me.
I know she knew it wasnt cool…because she kept it a secret all this time. He has since returned for an extended break and took her and her daughter out for dinner. Later that night he msgs me to take us out for dinner. I mentioned it to her and only then did she tell me he took her out.
Oh and she also found great delight in telling my FAMILY MEMBERS how much he hates me. Seriously?
The sad thing is… i had no idea we were even that acrimonious!!!!!
This is my gf. Out with my ex and baby daddy talking about me behind my back and in secret. I do not know which of them has caused me more pain… It is so much betrayal … traitorous and hurtful. WHO DOES THAT???
Two relationships wrecked. I want to never speak to either one of them again but I tried to explain this to her and she a) doesnt give a fuck and b) just doesnt get it.
My other friends are flabbergasted… one even said she could not even believe we were having the conversation!!!!
I am sick with betrayal. What do I do? I would like to tell her we cannot be friends any longer .not enemies…. but this is the 2nd time she has best friended someone I fought with … truly bizarre behaviour and i do not trust her. Whether she is selfish or just plain stupid… i do not need friends who take pleasure in my losses and gain from them for themselves.
Suggestion, employ no contact with both of them and if you must speak to him, email only. I forgot that part. Especially if she’s done this twice to you, I didn’t see this, on my phone. I would disconnect as many ties as possible from them having contact in my life.
Hi feelingstupid,
It doesn’t really seem like the people around you have been pulling for you. I wonder if you’ve questioned why that is.
I get how you would feel stupid or naïve at being the last to know what’s going on, but then, how would you when nobody seems like they’re being straight with you. I don’t know whether you have any issues that need resolution that grate on people (we all have some and have to be honest with ourselves to address). That’s one possibility.
However, even if you need some work (as I said, we all do), the people around you are not your supporters, they are your betrayers. That doesn’t make you naïve/stupid, that makes them corrupt. Are they jealous of you? I don’t know.
I know when people are strong in some areas, it doesn’t take much for others to construct a pile on to bring them down to their level. And these people aren’t performing to your level. You’ve already expressed how you choose to handle friends and those closest to you—these people don’t share your values.
You might have some obligation to work this through with people who are blood relation, but if I were you, I would put no such effort into people who seemingly have no vested interest in my well-being. You are right in that it doesn’t matter whether the person is being selfish or just stupid/ignorant. Part of real friendship is caring enough to protect the relationship. We also call this respect. If you find it absent, whether the person is a sociopath or not, you have to decide if you can continually deal with this breach. If they care more about themselves or a relationship outside the one with you, leave them to themselves.
@FS 😃
Prior to my Soc ex, i was married for 15 years together 19 & 2 children. My ex was a gambler & drinker. He left with our business receptionist & my friend so, i get that level of betrayal.
I then had to sell my home,car & relocate & he withheld financial support. I was so traumatized & vulnerable that I ran straight into the waiting arms of my Soc. 10 years later & here I am.
My advice is, stay No Contact unless you have no choice. Get a good legal advisor. Don’t date anyone else until you are okay mentally or you’ll run the risk of taking unresolved baggage into the next relationship. My friends saved me & I had great family support. Be kind to yourself, get counseling to help you heal & take your time to make decisions concerning your future.
The betrayal is deep & unfathomable but, you can survive.
Its really awful that the people you trust & love are really your enemy. Like going into battle against the enemy & finding the ones on your side have not got your back & are actually the enemy as well!
Be strong & come & vent & share.
Learn everything & take comfort in the knowledge you are not alone.
There are no words to heal this situation, I am sorry this happen to you. I can relate to the pain and betrayal you are feeling, because my ex did something similar. The reason he may have keep you at a friendship level was because it made your co-parenting and financial situation easier to manage? I don’t know? I know that’s how my ex operates and if he can have sex with you too, GREAT! Anything that benefits him. The girlfriend, now she just doesn’t know any better, however he treated you, will be her fate. It’s unfortunate, these people see how the previous partner was discarded, what makes them think they will be treated any better? Oh because they are currently being lied too! It’s a vicious cycle, just be your own best friend right now! What is done in darkness is always brought to light. I know none of this dissipates any of the pain or anguish you feel, but many of us do understand, you just have to go through the healing. Go treat your self to something! Best thing to do when something unpleasant happens. 😊
@Lyss…..sometimes emotional pain can be worse than physical pain as it involves the brain. To explain how emotional pain feels like, imagine someone hits you and the pain that is felt. Now emotionally when we are hurt we can feel that pain internally like in your stomach, your heart and your head. When someone is playing with your head, it can feel like walking around in a daze or not being able to concentrate or just one long headache. Just like an spaths self esteem and joy increases during this time, a victim has the opposite reaction. So to get closure, we want that emotional feeling to decrease (I don’t think it ever goes away).
Yes Positive….exactly. Also, it is usually during the aftermath that the puzzle starts to fit. More details about a second life might emerge or someone tells you something or you make a discovery. Also, the fog starts to lift and you see how things really were. This can take time to process and get over, if ever. A persons trust is broken. Sometimes a person can start to question everything in their life. Also, this is a dangerous time as this is when a person can start to either self harm or think of suicide, if they haven’t already.
Yes it is a very difficult painful time ex. It was how I felt during this time that made me determined to get this site together. I felt so lost, so confused, like the world was spinning on an axis.
As we all know, emotional pain is a lot harder to heal & that is why I mentioned never truly having ‘closure’ as, the intent of my Socio was to use & abuse, demean & discard etc….
That knowledge was eased by my greater awareness & understanding of the personality that you have always described so well in your posts. 🙂
I describe my personal journey, as we all do & find that you & others that truly ‘get it’ understand & have helped me get to a stage of acceptance.
Lyss was picking out certain parts of my replies to others otherwise, I would never have replied. I don’t find that healthy nor constructive.
I wrote this to myself ages ago;
My Soc/Narc
He has a sense of Entitlement which transpired for me as Enlightenment. I am now aware of myself.
He has a Grandiose sense of self.
I will now Value my own self as he does himself but, not at the expense of others.
He uses seduction so, I will seduce myself & love myself fully as he told me I was his ‘soul mate’, I will be my own.
He demeaned me.
I will tell myself the truth, even if it hurts.
I will say NO to anyone that does not treat me appropriately & with the respect I feel I deserve.
He discarded me so, I will find the ‘treasure’ within & recycle & rebuild as, people cannot be thrown away like a material object. I will never abandon myself ever again. 🙂
Lesson Learned & I am Grateful. I am an Empath & I’ve found my PATH:)
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I love this what you wrote to yourself. It’s beautiful and a beautiful idea to do. Someone once wrote about a jar of happiness and positive things. Each day to write one thing that you love about you/ your life. Once a month (or earlier if you need it) tip the jar out and see the happiness and positive. I think also with closure. Sometimes it helps to write that closure letter…. Even if you never send it, or get the opportunity to say the words.
@Lyss….you have a valid point. Being sad isn’t fun to be around and, I must admit, I do get sick of friends that always use me as a venting machine. I am someone that bottles it up and puts a brave face on. I think I was shocked and devastated and wanted answers more than anything. I used all of these sad emotions and tried to turn actions into positive things. After the initial shock, about a month later, I started to look for a house to buy, a month after that I found a block of land to build on, I then built a house. I purchased a puppy. Both of these things helped me and gave me something positive to concentrate on. I also started to learn about different personality disorders out there and my interest in that kind of stuff grew.
Hence why you are a Sociopath, because you can move on very quickly without any feelings involved. You just let it go immediately and move onto the next thing. A person might actually view that as a positive outlook on things as well.
Maybe in some instances, it’s like trying to explain color to someone who is blind or music to someone who is deaf, unless you are able to wander in another persons soul, it’s not explainable and some can not understand.
Just a thought.
@NIBSIH
Not an incorrect concept; it works both ways, and it’s frustrating for both parties.
You can’t get me to understand what it is to feel empathy.
I cannot get you to understand what it is like without empathy.
Honestly, I’d prefer the latter. It’s much easier to see clearly and without emotions/empathy clouding all judgments and perceptions.
@lyss
I understand, having worked in law enforcement for almost 20 years, I became very “well trained” in “doing” and “not feeling”. In fact “feeling” was a sign of weakness and frowned upon. (I was Diagnosed with PTSD, dealing with death, major traumas, children traumas, just bad bad things, the car jacking at gun point, horrid divorce, custody battles, bankruptcy, ugh you name it!) So it was a matter of selecting what you could carry with you, and not, much like a switch. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until the last 18 months. So work treating me like poop, my older two ungrateful children, my mother and her issues (another ugly story), work related injury, my NS -ex, divorce, then the custody battle from hell, so sometimes, I get it, I don’t feel. Or I am on the opposite end of the spectrum and I over feel, or I isolate myself. Does that make me a sociopath? Maybe?
I did see a interesting quote on Pinterest I felt it applied to me.
“I used to think I was over reacting, now I realize it’s just a normal reaction to a abnormal amount of BULLSHIT”
Made me laugh!!
As far as emotions, messing with the clarity of my judgements and perceptions. There are only 4 people on this Earth, who I would give my entire self for to spare their life, and those people are my children. Yes they are stupidly selfish at times and ungrateful, probably forever, but they are mine and I love them more than myself forever. They didn’t ask for this life, it was I who brought the NS into it and he ruined our lives. This is the only thing I feel responsible for. Everything else, they can or can not change for themselves, except for him.
And Lyss, your perspective at times helps me to understand, especially when you speak of your childhood. My children do not discuss their father to me, because they know I object to him.
So how do you give your child their father, whom you know they love just as much as they love you, yet you know, there is nothing beneficial about the man! He is using the children to try and control you. Any suggestions?
NIBSIH.
@NIBSIH
You say you would give anything for your children, even though they are ungrateful and selfish, so on and so forth. Meaning you care for them unconditionally. You have/had a problem with emotions, not empathy. I’d say it just made you emotionless/made you hide your emotions. Some sociopaths, however, do have a larger range of emotions, I’ve found. Still less than most people with empathy, but some nonetheless. As you stated yourself, that’s a PTSD problem. Sorry I cannot be quite as knowledgeable about that specific illness.
Regarding your last question, let them do what they want. And that works both ways. If you attempt to bring them further away from their father, they’ll resent you. If you attempt to do what my mother did and force them to him, they’ll resent you, again. So just tell them they can do what they want, if they’re old enough to be responsible about that. And don’t do, again what my mother did, and change your mind. Consistency is key.
@PG….yep, that is an advantage with an Spath, they quickly move on after an argument. That’s if you don’t get the silent treatment lol. Down side is that no issues were discussed and solved.
i think a good post would be to write about the insane things they made us say and do to try to force closure…. sigh, i have led my S to believe that i am away for the weekend with another man, so he can stop stalking me… and perhaps if he thinks i have moved on he will let me go…. but who is the idiot here? me, i am the one now trapped inside my flat for a weekend pretending to be out? is that not insanity?
Yes this is insanity. It also potentially opens another can of worms of stalking, harassment, intimidation – oh just a nightmare. Sociopaths don’t like losing or not being in control. They like to know that you are finished off good and proper when its over.
@ Pos,
I didn’t argue much with mine as I knew he was opinionated so, no point stressing over it.
In hindsight I realized that I just couldn’t be bothered & that he would give me the ‘silent treatment’ if I dared disagree anyhow. I am not confrontational so, let it go & he was a master at massaging an outcome to suit himself. Living the lie to the end etc…
True to form he would storm off leaving me confused when he knew I was onto him etc…then he would send in his proxy’s to cover for him.
Right to the very end, he tried to placate me with his ‘proxy’ people!
I am so glad I am free of his delusion & know the truth.
I’d rather hold my own hand than the hand of a liar & control freak any-day 🙂
You know what’s funny, the night I got the email from the OW I was watching the last episode of Downton Abbey & never saw the end….that’s cathartic! It was a car crash!
It’s what the end was truly like with my Soc & like a soap opera the drama kept running for many seasons! 😉
I never got to see the ending nor will I.
No conclusion, no nothing so, I gained acceptance.
Which is not resignation but, just acceptance that I need to find my own answers & resolve my own stuff which I have 🙂
For me, I guess I answered my own ‘closure’ question raised by Lyss.
Lyss, it was like he was there one minute & all was good & then ‘poof’ he was gone. No warning, nothing just gone.
If someone has an accident & dies etc…you have the body, you have the grief….in this case, you just get the grief without any explanation & that’s why the pain of the loss is so deep. There one minute, gone the next & then nothingness except the lies & deception that gets discovered. You can heal a wound eventually but, emotional healing can take forever depending on the loss etc…sometimes it never heals.
Scars are more than just on the surface sadly.
Does this make sense?
It’s hard to articulate as, it’s different for everyone but, that’s my take on it. I am also at work so, on the fly as usual….I will answer your other questions re lyrics when I have more time but, please don’t pick out my analogies etc…it’s just who I am 🙂
The fuel etc…analogy….vampire….analogy…just to clarify, explain & compare, nothing more, nothing less 🙂
I don’t judge you as an individual, I don’t know you.
I see the comparisons & similarity in traits & yes, we all have them but, I don’t judge you nor walk your road so, please don’t question mine just keep it normal & healthy & less attacking. I don’t think all Soc’s are the same but, the behavior & patterning is significant. I do not like the way people are deliberately used & I would not like this to happen to you either. Abuse in any form is abuse & that’s why most of us are here, to share, vent & heal & I hope you see this for what it’s worth.
We don’t come to shoot anyone down but, raise them up & I am happy to talk with you as long as you do this & not the opposite.
Pos, I think it’s important to write to them & decide either to send it or keep it or burn it, whatever works.
I like the jar idea & every night I pick a word, just one like, peace, love, awareness, gratitude etc…nothing negative & I write it down & place it under my pillow or on bedside table. I sleep on it & n the morning I read it & say, today this word will be my guide. I take the word with me everywhere, just the one word. By the end of the day, I have either reminded myself of my word & imprinted it in my mind.
It helps & keeps me focused.
Today’s word is HEAL so, I am actively incorporating it into my day 🙂
I drink water to heal, I write to heal, I move to heal etc…& on it goes until it’s permeated my whole being 🙂
Try it & you can re-use a word anytime & build it up to 3, love, happy, heal…. 🙂
I’d be interested on your take on these Katy Perry Lyrics.
“Choose Your Battles”
You are my hurt locker lover
Keep me walking on a wire
Don’t know when you’ll blow
So I tiptoe through your triggered mind
You fight me but I’m on your side
Defeated, now retreating
[Pre-chorus:]
Why you tryna make me your enemy
All you really need is a little peace
I just wanna be your lover
Oh, this is not a competition
So baby why the ammunition
I don’t wanna be the last one standing
[Chorus:]
Choose your battles, babe
Then you’ll win the war
Stop digging your own grave
When there’s so much to live for
Choose your battles, babe
‘Cause I’m not fighting anymore
I am not fighting anymore
I’ve tried to pick off your red flags
But dancing on broken glass
Your mind games hit like grenades
We’re cursed just like the Kennedys
But you somehow get me on my knees,
Defeated, now retreating
[Pre-chorus]
[Chorus]
If you wanna go, then go
If you wanna stay, then stay
‘Cause I don’t wanna fight no more, baby
I am not fighting anymore
If you wanna go, then go
If you wanna stay, then stay
I don’t wanna fight no more anyway,
I am not fighting anymore
If you wanna go, then go
(choose your battles, babe)
If you wanna stay, then stay
(then you win the war)
‘Cause I don’t wanna fight no more, baby
(Stop digging your own grave
When there’s so much to live for)
Choose your battles, babe
‘Cause I’m not fighting anymore
I am not fighting anymore anyway, anyway,
I am not fighting anymore
If you wanna go, then go
If you wanna stay, then stay
‘Cause I don’t wanna fight no more, baby
Well, first of all, the repetitive use of babe and baby get on my nerves >.>
But honestly, I think she’s lying. If she wanted a resolution, she would leave, not give whoever she’s talking about the choice. She’s not tired of fighting, she’s complaining but yet continuing.
As I’ve said previously, my relationship however, is rather different than ‘normal’ ones.
Please refer back to the lyrics I quoted and answer my question >.> still, no one has and I’m too impatient.
Really good. It’s been a crazy year with the cross country move and job change. It took me 6 months of being here before it started feeling like home. This is my life now. Everything that happened is such a distant memory. It helps so much to not have the same surroundings.
Things with my new SO are going great. Every day he seems to be more and more someone worth falling in love with. He has already said it to me, but we are 7 months in, not 14 days like the ex S. It has been such an interesting experience comparing what I thought was a perfect relationship with my now current healthy one. He is so respectful, kind, loving and…normal. No drama. I will admit that I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop in some instances but it takes a conscious effort to want to get over something, and I do.
My ex s crosses my mind, of course, but less and less with time. And when he does there is less emotion attached to the whole thing.
This is great news…. and also gives hope to people who are trying to come out of the constant drama. Am so happy for you, and that your life is going well 🙂 This is great to hear 🙂 🙂
thanks for this idea PR…for the past 3 nights have been
sleeping on ‘acceptance’ inside my pillow case……today
feel so much lighter and not so frazzled…..did not contact
him and found some help with my meager finances………
am at the point where i would rather starve than beg him for anything he promised.
That’s great & I just wanted to tell you that Acceptance is not Resignation, it’s a greater understanding & awareness in knowing that this experience has changed you but, not destroyed you.
The person we started with has changed, we all started with our ‘Soc’ as believers & finished with deceivers.
We now decide for ourselves that our changes are a chance for growth & renewal of ourselves. We either grow from here or don’t, the choice is & always has been ours.
Keep thinking & becoming the necessary changer that you are.
Acceptance is a great gift & so it Awareness of it 😃
Believe in yourself & be courageous, we are all supporting you & you deserve happiness.
another thing that helped me turn the corner is when I read on here about the three phases. 1. assessing you…2. seducing you…
3. Ruining you…..as their entire game strategy…..what sad losers
they all are.
He never deserved me, and I truly love myself for getting away from him. I am worthy of so much more than crumbs.
@ Johnny,
You were akways worthy of more & now you realise it 😃
When you focus on obsessive thought of him, focus only on something you didn’t like about him that you chose to overlook because you cared for him. Mine was a nail biter, drove me insane! When I think of him nibbling away, I am repulsed & any residual care feelings dissipate very quickly.
The OW in my saga, she’s lovely.
I told him, “gee, you picked her over me as she ‘won’ that competition” & her prize is a lying, cheating, gaming ,demeaning, discarding Sociopath/Narc!
Gee, I have never been so grateful to lose. Remember, that’s what the next person gets. We get freedom from that, hardly a loss from our vantage point.
Your new word to add is WORTHY, inprint that on your brain from now on.
PR x
My last comment did not post probably since I included a link in it. I just across a website by a psychologist that has some great articles on it. It is drjoecarver dot com.
I wish I had seen his article “The Loser, warning signs you’re dating a loser” before meeting my soc. It might have short-circuited that relationship or his suggestions on how to escape might have made my escape easier. Since I did not, I guess I will have to employ some of the techniques in his “Emotional Memory Management ” article. Really learned a lot from that one.
The EMM articles has really practical suggestions on how to water down or prevent pulling out emotionally laden junk files in the first place. I am definitely going to round up all those disparate memories from my period with the socio and place them into one mental filing cabinet, as he suggests. I am thinking the label on that cabinet will be “Memories from the Shark Tank” haha :). That label will probably assist in not pulling out individual files.
Yep, I felt like I lost and the OW won but us survivors are the ones that won. That is how I try and look at it too, even though that is hard to see sometimes. If I had won, my life would have been hell. Who here, if you were still in that relationship, would be either dead or even more mentally ill? I just think that someone upstairs was looking out for me and knew that I could do a lot better and deserved a lot better than that scum of a human being in my life. Unfortunately we all had to go through hell to have seen that. Now I just have to wait until that wonderful man does come into my life. This is all a chapter in our lives that one day we will close but learn from and be thankful that we got out off.
I am, at the moment, just glad to not be his source (just waiting until I get the ‘darling, can you help me with money’ email lol). As much as I would love to get my money back, sadly he is a con man that probably never will give it back. His life might be good now with a new wife and baby but it will only be a matter of time until karma bites his backside really, really hard.
Hi guys,
Just wanted to post this here.
This is happenenig right now today as I write. It’s about a friend (not me),
A gentle lovely lady I know.
She was married to an abusive man & I even witnessed him beat her ine day back in the 70’s out in the street when I was playing cricket with her boys.
He eventually left her for another & for a time she was free. Then a few years later she me & married another older man. He seemed alright but, apparently another dominant abusive cycle ensued. She cared for him until he died a few years back from emphysema. In her time with him, she suffered a compleye breakdown & had ECT ( zapped her brain).
She was good until about a month ago, in the last 12 months she’d been seeing a guy that wanted to keep their relationship secret etc….promised her everything & guess what?
He rang oneday & said, he didn’t care nor love her. Goodbye!
This was the final straw & right now, she is being placed into an ambulance after being discharged from a private physchiatric hospital (her insurance was up). Sent her home & a special CAT team has arrived to sanction her & take her away to a public physch unit 😦
This lady is the sweetest, kindest soul.
It’s a tragedy but, I am sharing this with you so, you see that you cannot let someone break you to this point.
If you need help or support, get it.
Please think of her ( my friend) & make sure this doesn’t happen to you, your all worth better treatment & worthy of happiness & not the inside of your own mind prison or physchiatric ward.
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
PG……that is heartbreaking. Isn’t that one of our worse nightmares, where you can’t break that cycle of abusive relationships. What a wonderful woman. It always seems to be the wonderful, kind and caring people that seems to attract these horrible people. Thinking of her 😦
Hi Ex,
Don’t worry, Karma catches up with us all.
Concentrate on you only & always be grateful, you got away.
Money does not buy love so, kiss it off.
You have you & that’s worth far more.
Your invaluable, remember that & you are important.
Love PR xoxo
Thanks PR…..for reminding me how important sense of humor is to our recovery…..please tell me the guitar song wasn’t ‘Fire on the water’?
Now I realize our thoughts create our feelings, not the other way round….was thinking of so many many really odd but funny as in stupid things he did, said. thought….like he was the only smart,clever educated person in this world bar none! Then I started to feel bad and shut down….so I will spare you all the unbelieveable stories and let myself just float in my own wonderfulness and get on with my day….I so apprecate this site and all of the sharings……Last night I was in very bad pain (torn rotator cuff) so got up @ 2pm and read some of the old posts and felt so much better….Oh and as an aside…funny the hurt shoulder is in the arm where he always punched me in in the bicept…..WTF????
So here is a joke about my past with him….a turtle is walking down the lane and suddenly is mugged by a gang of snails…….well the police come and ask the turtle ‘what happened?’ and the turtle answers I really don’t know it all happened so FAST!!!! Which kinda describes my adventures in Whackoland before I found you guys…..
Have been watching drjoecarver.com video’s as mentioned on here…….VERY GOOD and so telling…
Basically HE didn’t feel good unless I felt a little less than…..so sick
any way I can add to my name on here??? want to change it to
JoyousJohnny
Love that turtle joke 😃
‘How many Soc’s does it take to change a lightbulb?’
Answer 4,
One to switch it on ( aka seduction)
One to flick it on & off (aka gaming)
One to get annoyed it’s not ‘bright’ enough (aka demeaning)
One to toss the old one in the bin, ( aka discarding) , with a few more switch flicks ongoing just to ‘test it’.
I broke my shoulder years ago, went sailing down a hill on a billycart into a tree!!! I told everyone I was practicing for the luge like in ‘Cool Runnings’.
Took me ages to rehab it but, I did & escaped without permanent disability 😃
Smashed it, broke scapula, broke ball of shoulder & it subluxed 3 inches out of socket! Attractive look as all my clothes fell off my shoulder so, I was always dishevelled but, I soldiered on & still standing & rebuilt again.
Moral of the story, stay away from billycarts & trees that don’t get out of the way! 😁😘❤️️
Keep being wonderful & funny 😃
Love PR xoxo
My Spath sent out a group email promoting the trip he went on and what the trip was and the cost. I replied back “quite surprised you could afford this considering how poor you always say you are.” He replied “what?” (Of course, he always does). And I replied back and said “How stupid was I too think you needed help all that time.” He replied “it was for work. Did you think I would go and pay for it? Yes you are stupid” I replied back and said “don’t insult me by saying that I am stupid when all I did was help you.” No response since. What a loser. I just rolled my eyes. I am so immune to him calling me names now because I know that he is the stupid one. I highly doubt that trip was for work. He got caught out.
Hi Ex, stay NC as emailing him will keep you in the game, even just angry or annoyed. If course you caught him but, he won’t care as he will lie to you & himself.
Stay out of his silly games as much as you can. Save up & go on a trip & post your own wonderful time up.
He’s a dick!
Eliza Doolittle ( fav english singer) has a lyric in one of her songs, ‘just a little boy in a big girls world!’
Katy Perry’s last album re Russell her Soc, have a listen to her last album as well, very inspiring & true 😃
Hi again I only tore half of rotator tendon so should regain up to 90% use….but when that happens the bicept rolls down like one of those little whistles that roll out when you blow. Result I now have a permanet huge bicept…that is called a POPEYE! LOL
Popeye 😃
Keep positive as shoulders etc…are painful but, your already very resilient so, channel it into your recovery 😃
Stay strong on every level & you will be fine.
PR x
I wondered for a long time why this kept happening over and over no matter how hard I tried to find someone who was not a sociopath. After 30 years of hell I am DONE!! Single and happy.
I wondered also what did I do that makes them think this kind of treatment is ok? And how do I keep finding these people? Finally came to realize that there are far more of them than you can imagine and that abusers are going to abuse. They do not need your permission or a reason. Abusers are going to abuse. Kick yourself no longer….
Hi Brianna, welcome to the site. Being single is not such a bad thing when you have been in abusive relationships. I recall a therapist saying to me, ‘at least you will have time to think, and nobody will be hurting you’ I think its also a good time to heal. When you put all of the energy back into you, you won’t allow someone to come in and pull down your world again, you would have spent too long working on you – for you.
Thanks PR. I had a good laugh about it this morning with a friend. We realised that it must be his new “get rich quick scheme/business idea.” Looking at what he sent out again, there are a few faults in it, like the price being way too low. Probably out to con people with it. So, if he does either go ahead with it, he will be really out of pocket, or he will have people, chasing him. Apparently for 9 days for a trip to Saudi Arabia will cost $US1,650. LOL!!!!! Might get a flight there but I am guessing they will be sleeping on the streets there. I would love to know how this pans out. I will have to keep an ear out for some goss hehe.
Dating a Sociopath 
LOL!! Yep, one day they will marry us, one day it will all be easier, one day they will have money. Heard all the same things lol. Nice to hear at the time but if only we knew that one day actually meant never.
@Ex Def,
Unfortunately Moral outrage is what we have as the Soc/Narc has no morals whatsoever!
Without a conscience you cannot know morals but, the moral to our story is never to get bitten by a Sociopath again!
Keep your chin up & your wits about you & try your hardest to put this reprehensible man far behind you.
Go out & prove that good does triumph evil.
You can do it, I know you can 😃
Love & Light,
PR xoxo
@Oneday 😃
Hi & welcome to our world 😃
Yes, that old ‘oneday’ gets trotted out alot!
The patterning & predictabilityis mind blowing really.
Take comfort here & know you are not alone, nor are you neurotic etc…
The crazy making behavior is legendary & leaves all of us reeling.
Your in good company here as we are all mad as hatters because we dare call a spade a spade! If you tell others that havent experienced a sociopath/narc, you will appear ‘nuts’.
I couldn’t believe my own story for ages & thought I had gone mad!
My advice is stay here & vent & rage & share & heal. Feel it, deal with it & heal it, in that order.
Its bloody hard but, a lot here have run this gauntlet & guess what?
We aren’t mad, we aren’t ashamed & we are free of the ‘crazy making’ mind gaming, delusional world of Soc’s. 😃
You will be okay, believe me as I gave 10 years to the void that was my Soc & I am safe now & in a better place than ever before. 😃
Read everything, learn as much as you can about disordered minds, learn about your inner guidance & never ever stop believing that you will find YOU again. You deserve to be happy & rest assured, you will be again. not oneday but, someday very soon.
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
Vent alert lol.
I found out that my ex went on an overseas trip. Makes me sick cause he is always claiming he doesn’t have money and he owes me money but he can afford an overseas holiday. Wonder which women paid for that or who did he rip off. I just want my money back 😦
I recently found out that he now has a daughter. I saw the photo and she looked about 6 months old. Further investigations (aka Facebook snooping on his relatives pages) I discovered that the baby was born at least on 1 September last year. Made me sick. He had no guts to break up with me. As I was stressing to know where he was as he was in his “silent treatment” phase, he got this other women pregnant. They married quite quickly. Alllll makes sense to me now. Yet, when he was claiming his love for me 3 weeks after the wedding, no mention that he got her pregnant. Did he not think I would work out the timeline? Sneaky bastard. What makes it even worse was that I didn’t even know his wife was pregnant and he was sending me “I love you” messages and how things will get better. I was talking to him. He was telling me that he only married for a reason and his wife knew about me. Makes me sick that he was trying to cheat with me while his wife was pregnant. No morals at all.
This may sound a tad weird seeming as I’m coming here to rage, but I need to blow off some steam, even though I’m probably not one that should be >.>
I’ve asked this before, but it still confounds me. Why are people so stupid -.-
I want to know if I am justified here.
There was someone who posted on another site that they wanted to kill themselves. I told them not to, as you should wait until you can think rationally so you avoid doing something you’ll regret. I went on to say how the feeling would pass and you shouldn’t, but I also said if you really truly wanted to, who am I to stop you, or anybody for that matter.
I then get two different people, (funny enough one claiming to be a sociopath, but she was unintelligent to say the LEAST, and judging by her previous posts she was a complete poser, which angers me in itself), but the other one was the problem. She went on to say that I just attempted to convince OP to kill herself and it’s a crime. Yet I did not. I told her I did not, attempted to clarify what I said in a nice, smooth tone, yet she began to ridicule me and say I shouldn’t take my problems out on girls who want to kill themselves (apparently I took something out on the poor girl) and I’m insane, and then continued to insult my intellect, and blocked me before I could prove how very wrong she was.
As you may know, lack of logic is my trigger. It sets me off like fireworks. And this is not the first time this has happened today. In fact, today has been pretty bad with all the anger.
I’m really not one to come to someone to rant, it just surprises me to no end how idiotic people really can be. It really is what pushes me so close to just isolating myself from everybody permanently.
It’s bloody hard work -.- (I’m starting to doubt how sarcastic I am about that last part).
Oh look it’s happened again! GOD I HATE PEOPLE.
Lyss, maybe take a breather….. I have to go back through the comments (I am working backwards) – but I did see a comment that you made (on my phone when I was out) – about how sociopaths come from abuse. (often anyway) it was odd that you had written that, as I was in the pub, there was an 8 year old child, and a woman in the pub who was so drunk, she could barely keep herself up straight. I thought that she was with a man who seemed sober, and was shocked, when the little girl, almost pulled her mum out of the pub (I know the little girl was 8 as I had been talking to her in the garden). This upset me, and I said to the person that I was with….. and that is how sometimes sociopaths are made….. it was after this that I saw your comment.
@lyss
Ugh my phone is so stupid, I’ve been trying to log on all day. It’s been my experience (I work as a emergency dispatcher for a very long time). If someone wants to commit suicide, they will. Most of the time, they don’t tell anyone or if they do, it’s moments prior. The ones who talk about it, want help, truly, or selfishly want attention. It’s a 50/50. As far as being blocked? Lol, obviously the other party was losing the argument, so don’t be offended, you can’t foolishly lose a argument if you block your opponent. I think it’s rather funny actually. So take it as a compliment. I see your logic in participating in this type of conversation, because of the high emotion people tend to have, everyone’s feelings are on their sleeve due to the nature. I too do not usually say the “right” things. So I say nothing.
Hiya NIBSIH,
It’s wordpress & it has been overloaded etc…
If you don’t tick boxes at the bottom, you won’t get feedback & also this post MY STORY seems to prevent it due to the amount on it?
Try going under a different post & direct to the person as usual?
Love PR xoxo
@pr
Thanks for suggestion, will do! Hope all is well.
Ditto NIBSIH 🙂
@normalisboringsoiheard
Hah, thanks. Your comment made me chuckle ;3 but that happened about 5 different times that day, I was getting a bit frustrated.
I’ve learned to, as hard as it is, to shut y mouth when I have a contradictory opinion. However I didn’t actually have a contradictory one, people just seemed to take everything I said the wrong way because EMOTIONS RIGHT.
Ah well.
@positivagirl
Sorry, shouldn’t have ranted >.> just felt it might have gotten some people to see how the rage that they apparently all know so well is completely justified sometimes, and that I did actually attempt to help someone, despite not caring for their fate. And obviously you know of the comments to boopsiekisses >.> also thanks for quoting me in your new article and all >.> it’s good to see people being able to see why sociopaths exist, rather than just what they are and judging them on that.
Thank you PR. I have been really struggling lately. A few nights that I have been alone, I have been crying. I feel like I put this fake smile on to the world when really I just want to be sad and not face the world. I no longer have anybody to talk to about this, with the exception of this place. I have discovered that living by myself isn’t good at all as I don’t have anybody to talk to at night time so I just start to think about things. So I have a friend moving in with me at the end of May. Her company will be great and maybe I will move towards going out again. I think I have held onto my ex because I have been afraid to start the dating process all over again. Also afraid of finding out what the consequences of being with a Sociopath has been when it comes to starting a new relationship eg. how much will I trust a person now.
Hiya Ex 🙂
Yes, that old Ego (mind chatter) will undo all the good work if you let it!
It is hard & I know how you feel but, please start with trusting yourself & your instincts.
You have recognized that whilst isolation is good in some respects, it leaves you open to the mind of doubt & undermining. Ego loves to get you alone so, having someone move in is a must!
Please trust in yourself first that you can survive this trauma & do all the necessary healing work. It’s a daily & minute by minute thing that you must do, like exercise etc…walk your talk & talk yourself back into your awareness. It’s not about making the journey but, more about undoing the journey to find the ‘real you’.
I have a new mantra, ‘As above, so below’ & I say it over & over to reinforce that my higher self must think on both levels always!
I get back what I give out & I choose to give out positive as much as possible.
You will get better but, only you are in control.
Holding onto others for whatever reason is pointless & they can go anytime, for many reasons.
Ultimately you must rely only on yourself & once you know this deep down, you will realize you are worthy of only the best.
Your Inner Goddess is alive & well so, hang out with her more 🙂
Love PR xoxo
i find that i am so weak when it comes to him. i am still wanting to fix him, still wanting the lies to be truth. How do i face the truth when my stubborn brain wont!
@oneday,
You just have to wait until your head & heart catch up together.
When you realise that you cannot fix him & only yourself, you will be on the healing path.
Your in the early stages of processing your thoughts etc…cognitive dissonance where you are trying to reconcile the good him against the bad him. You know deep down but, cannot let go.
Until you start recognising that holding out fir more of the same is useless, you will continue to suffer.
Just read & learn as much about this personality type & eventually you will see your truth.
Its not easy but, believe that you are fighting for yourself & your worth it.
Metal is forged in fire & your strength will come but, you will walk through fire to find it I’m afraid.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I guess so, its because I have not cut him out of my life that’s why I can’t move on. I still listen to his lies, hoping that it is the truth, but here it is, today I spent an hour trying to fix his CV to make him more marketable and he is at home with his family, fixing his pool pump???!!!! What is wrong with me.
This is a man, who has lied to me, deceived, stalked me, betrayed me and left me crying in a heap on the floor over and over again. Without batting an eye, walked out on me.
Somedays I hate him so much but some days I wonder if I could have done something to fix it.
I feel insane 😦
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
I agree with you-Phoenix Rising. I appreciate your comments and positive energy for the people who are on this blog.
@oneday aka andre?
You are allowing the abuse to continue because you love him.
I was like you for 10 years so, you are in good company 😉
I completed an advanced diploma for mine to keep his ranking at work!
You see, they act consciously without conscience whereas, we act with conscience but, usually unconscious due to the ‘mind gaming’ we have endured. Have a look at physcopathyawareness.com.
Sorry i don’t have link & my spelling is atrocious on phone (ha ha)
You must realise that this is your journey but, unless you go No Contact, you will stay trapped & gamed forever. They never let go, you have too if you want to find peace & love.
They sell you a fairytale but, there is no happy ending with them ever, just more games & more brainwashing until your eventual demise.
Save yourself if you can & trust that your life will be better & more meaningful. You’ll wake up & manifest your dreams into reality if you want too?
PR xoxo
Ok, andre is my nephew, lol, got his emails set up on my ph…. Sigh. Makes messaging more complicated. Tx for all the support. I do feel like I am going nuts
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
hi my post below still has my email address showing. can u please delete it, pretty pls
Hi Oneday,
Your email came up on last post, not sure you want that out there, Pos can remove it?
Welcome to the ‘crazy’ world of sociopaths, you aren’t going ‘nuts’, but, you are keeping company with someone that will almost certainly drive you insane. Go NC & you will feel better.
Don’t do his CV & then watch what happens, he will give you the silent treatment etc…& around you’ll go, time & again until you take back your control. It’s up to you now.
Thank you all for your wisdom$
Please remove my email, I don’t know how I made it appear 🙂
Oneday
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Hi Oneday,
I don’t administer the site, Pos does.
I have asked her via here to take your email off & will ask her via email.
You can email her via Datingasociopath contact details on the site. I am on phone so can’t bring up link.
I just contribute but, it’s Pos’s site & she has to find your replies & take it off.
Don’t panic, i did it once as well, not sure how it happens?
PR xoxo
Run away…run as fast as you can and don’t look back. I stayed with mine for four years until I had exhausted every possible thing that I could try and he had taken my heart, ripped it out of my chest, stomped it, peed on it and burned it…At this point I would not spit on him if he were on fire. Run now…life is too short and you do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve a man who adores you!
To broken,
I had no clue what was going on!! I just finally got logged back on the website piece of crap computers!! Not even the phone was letting me and iPhone app is poop!! Haha,
POS, I sending you email, too
NIBSIH.
Okay,
It could be operator error too hahah!
😝
I guess so. I don’t have control over who gets posts? They are sent to whoever is following the blog via email?
It is wordpress that does that, not me. I don’t even know who is in the ‘follow’ list. Even if I did, if someone is following a blog, I have no way to stop posts being sent to someone?
This is a bit weird.
It probably was my email, sometimes it’s like I get 25 in a big glob, then nothing? I think I am switching it. 😡!
April 29, 2014
Dear Husband,
This letter is to wonder. I wonder about so many things that happened during our time/marriage together and so I am asking/putting on paper. I wonder why when we went to the room after getting married you went straight to the phone to call your relatives instead of kissing me or wanting to make love. I wonder why during that same first night of marriage you slept in the other bed, (there were two in the room). I wonder why you cheated on me two days later with your old girlfriend. Or should I just say friend? I wonder why you even got married. I wonder why one Sunday I came to Wichita to go to church with you and you were not there but you called me about an hour later…about the time I got back to Hutch. I wonder where you were?
I wonder why you lied and said you were not flirting with those women/girls at your son’s party in Wichita when clearly you were. I wonder why you don’t ever own up to anything you do but clearly and swiftly point the finger to see my wrongs. I wonder why you are never flirting with any woman when clearly you are…or staring at any woman…and I mean craning your neck to stare. I wonder why you wanted me to send my children away out of the house to live with their dad but yet I was glad to have your child live with us. You never want to have sex or touch me or go out of town with me but you want me to just be there in case you need me…like a statue or something…just be there and be still. I wonder why you lie to me, steal from people, cheat on me and pray with me prior to your stepping out to cheat. I wonder what makes you Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I wonder if you get confused at times. You look like you do. You look very perplexed at times when I question you about things.
I wonder why you lied to me continuously for five months and told me you were going to get another job at a barber shop since you knew it bothered me for you to work in that salon but you never told me you had no intention of quitting. I wonder why it never mattered to you that I waited for you for ten years and then you treated me the way you did. No sex, no love, no fun things together like going to the movies or going anywhere. I wonder why you always wanted me to be there for you but you gave nothing back that I asked for like sex, love, or doing things together. I wonder. I wonder why you made such a big deal out of me waiting for you for ten years in front of a crowd of strangers at Fur’s that one night but you never told me yourself that it mattered. You put on quite a show that night asking people to pray for us. Please. I wonder why.
I wonder why you asked your so called church friends to help load up my truck to move but never bothered to tell me you weren’t going to be with me. I wonder why you told your PO and Debbie from church but not your own wife. I wonder. I wonder why you always try to make yourself look so good when in fact you are not at all. Why do you play the part of the so called Christian when in fact you have not received the Holy Spirit? There is no possible way that you could have. Many people have told me this is so…that you have not. Why…I wonder do you play the part of the Christian…you play usher, you cut hair for free, you make coffee early at church and you give and give and give and then crap all over others. Does your right hand know what your left hand is doing? I’ll bargain not. You kind of remind me of BTK…he was a deacon at his church and a cold blooded serial killer at the same time. He was from Wichita too.
Are you anything like him? Do your Christian friends know that you rage and pound your first and act like a drill sergeant and yell and look at porno? Do they know that Bob? Or do they only know what you want them to know? Are you just a mirror of whomever you are with…just a reflection of their actions? I’ll act Christian for the Christians but if that person makes me mad I’ll let them have it. How Christ like of you!
And after we were separated that was a brilliant stroke of genius to come 700 miles on Thanksgiving to visit so you could text you’re so called friend/coworker to tell her to call you while telling me to sit on the couch at that same moment to make me mad/jealous. Brilliant. NOT. You really have a big thing for jealousy. Don’t want love from a woman but do. How many several or none? Can’t make up your mind??? Or minds? Are you telling the shrink all this? I don’t even think you are going to see a shrink. I called that place through the State and that Emily said he doesn’t come here. I thought you said you were talking about inner child stuff. When your mom’s friend had sex with you that was not love it was molestation. It was sick. It was wrong. You have been wronged my friend.
I wonder why you walked around the church prior to church starting and hugged all the women and when you finally sat down next to me you would not put your arm around me. I wonder why. I wonder why everyone else and ever thing else was so damned important to you but not me…the woman who loved you and waited for you for 10 years while you were in prison. I wonder why? I wonder why you said we’d be together for ever. I wonder why. I wonder why we even went to counseling. I wonder why. I wonder why you jumped up in front of the counselor and flipped me off and said f…you to me in front of him during counseling. I don’t even know what that was about. I wonder why? I wonder why? Why did you put on an affection show for my best friend when she visited and when we visited my other friend’s church. Why you were so all affectionate then but after church…nothing…shows over everybody…go home. And after we dropped off my friend…shows over everyone go home. I wonder why?
I wonder why when I asked you to go to a work function with me on July 3rd for one hour during your lunch you could not go because you said you’d be so busy the day prior to a holiday. When I came to visit your work that day not one person was there except for you and the harem of coworkers. I said how can you not give me one hour of your time when I waited for you for ten years? You said, “You could have left, any time.” Ahhh these are the gems…the jewels…the words of wisdom I wait for from you. I wonder why?
I wonder why when I would ask you specifically to not bring things into our home from these women coworkers you always made a point to do just that. I wonder why? Because you’re sick? Yes, that’s why!
Love, Your wife
Brilliant. It is good to get it out.
Hi Shelley 🙂
Well done & I hope that writing it down & putting it here has helped you get some peace & healing.
I think as you write, you get your answers as we all do. Suddenly all the behavior & lies are written in your hand & you see them instead of just think them.
I wrote to my Soc as my final closure, i deconstructed his life of illusion & told him of his pathy & gave examples of each trait that i witnessed.
I requested he never contact me ever again & I will not respond if he does.
I felt great to get it off my chest & not leave it hanging as he had always left me like that. I had the last word & I told the truth & used integrity & values as my strength. If he read it & I know he did, he will be annoyed that I figured him out in all his ‘gory’!!
I forgave him for his inability to be real & authentic & i forgave myself for allowing him to treat me as a possession without appreciating my worth as a person.
I hope you get the opportunity to send you letter, it doesn’t mean breaking no contact, it means taking responsibility for yourself & your closure. Your closure & not his, you take back your power as the truth is revealed finally.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. They have selective memories & selective amnesia but, we don’t so, speak your truth always 🙂
” You never want to have sex or touch me or go out of town with me but you want me to just be there in case you need me…like a statue or something…just be there and be still. I wonder why you lie to me, steal from people, cheat on me and pray with me prior to your stepping out to cheat. ”
Yep!!!! My partner had every excuse under the sun not to touch me or not have sex with me. I barely said anything to him about it. I put up with it. He even said that if a women walked into the room naked, he wouldn’t react to it. He also said that his penis was “broken”. It was fixed 10 minths later when he got his other girlfriend pregnant. He would leer at women right in front of me. I pretended to not notice. Oh and according to him, there was also plenty of time for us to have sex in the future. Not anymore cause there is no way I will have sex with him again.
I can understand why no intimacy can cause you to question your relationship. It really does play with your head. Especially during the honeymoon period.
I finely managed to get away from my sociopathic ex. I dated the man for 3 month ones I found out he was a parasite I distant myself from him. He proposed to me ones he found out that I was getting away and on path of breaking up, I told him ‘’a marriage is out of question and I want you out of my life’’. My ex took me on 2 dates and as soon he found out where I live he tried to make himself home at my place by coming around every evening for cup of tea. In the beginning I wanted to be polite and told him to call me 3 days in advance so we can meet in the City, ones I realised he was playing a game politeness was damned and I stopped answering my door bell and phone. He also lied about a lot of things such as claiming he had a law degree and wanted to be a solicitor, he always had financial problems and tried to get money from me and I found out through his own doing that he has a pattern of not getting along with the women in his family. He claimed his sister was a whore, his aunt trash, his mother a prostitute and his grandmother an old idiot. I told him he was a misogynist with sociopathic tendencies and needed help from a mental health professional. I refused to have that dysfunctional man in my life and now he has been stalking and harassing me for 2 and half years. I changed my numbers on several occasions and ignored him but the problem is he knows where I live so he would come around in the evening trying to get into the house. Seriously after I broke up with him he became more obsessed with trying to get into my house, he was trying to gain entree into my house so he can gain control over me. In January this year he tried to break in. I came one morning from work and found cracks in the front window, I contacted the landlord who told me he would fix it within 24hours. I thought at that time it might have been an accident but I had a feeling it could have been my ex. In the afternoon I went to sleep to catch up on sleep and I heard some form of scratching around the house. I live alone and I’m a light sleeper but there is always some form of construction work going on in my neighbourhood so I didn’t pay much attention to it. I realised after a while of trying to fall a sleep that the noise was way to close to be from outside work. Ones I got to the window and pulled the curtain I saw my ex standing there working on demolishing my window with a pocket knife. I called the police on him and they have put a restraining order on him instead of arresting him. I’m hoping that I don’t have to deal with him anymore either way I’m on self defence classes and got myself armed, I won’t weight around for that man to break into my house and rape me.
Hi – thank you for sharing your story, and welcome to the site 🙂
I was doing so good..left my abusive socio in the middle of the night 10 months ago……now overnight am plunged back into pain and terror after one of his ex wives…..I am the 4th told me he got 2 dogs and is moving to another state. I am feeling If don’t talk to someone who understands what monsters these guys are my head will EXPLODE……….we were married almost 14 years….and he would
never LET me get a dog……well I did finally get two 5-6 years ago.
One of the reasons i stayed so long was he said if I left I could only
take one. A couple months before I left I caught him sexually abusing one of my dogs..both are female…..so now am obsessed to know if either of those dogs are also female……
Also he said if I didn’t divorce him (tax reasons) he would continue to send me money every month…well that lasted a very short time.
Due to all the stress, I was very ill and my new doctor has diagnosed PTSD….This manifests as I am in joint and muscle pain most of the time.
sorry for the long rant and run on sentences……………….
What is driving me crazy is I want to know if anyone thinks you can reason with a sociopath? When i agreed to marry we made a pact that if we ever split we would both “be reasonable”. All I have been doing for the last 3 days is composing emails in my head that he will listen to without attacking me …..I didn’t respond to any of his emails til last week…which I now regret…I keep thinking if I can just say the “right thing he will listen.
Hi Johnny, thank you for your story, and welcome to the site.
You ask, can you reason with a sociopath? It depends where they are in their headspace at the time. Where you are in their life, to listen to reason.
Usually what they do is of benefit to themselves. So they listen to reason if it gets what they want.
They hate losing control and they hate losing. So, when they are losing control the mask of insanity goes up and they won’t ever listen to reason then.
I think it really depends on the individual as they are all different. If you don’t want to be with him anymore – trying to reason with him will only enable him to continue to play a game with you, and he will too. This will be painful. Its a lot of energy and effort – for what?
Again, please don’t beat yourself up, trying to say the right thing. This type of individual NOTHING you say will be right. I dated one like this. Its drainnig and you will drain yourself and suck your energy out of you trying to please, but nothing will ever be good enough. By trying to say the right thing – you are assuming that he thinks like you – he doesn’t.The only right thing that you can say to a sociopath is ‘I am under your control now you do what you want’….. .
you are spot on about they don’t hear or care about anything you say…..today I googled “Can you reason with a 1.sociopath 2. narcissist
3. bipolar?” and everyone said save your breath…..I am soooo glad I found this site…I am feeling much better and also went to my old alanon meeting and then visited a dear old friend…I have hardly left my house ….I don’t feel so alone and other…thanks for the encouragement ….most of my thinking is faulty and since leaving I am remembering so much horrible stuff from being with him. Now today I have laughed so much and can feel like I am a beautiful human being that he didn’t deserve to be with me………also saw here about going through the stages of grief as a way to get well
It is nice that you found us 🙂
No matter what you have been through, I am sure that we can all relate. Just try to take one day at a time, at least at first. This will help you to keep the focus on you, and it won’t feel so overwhelming. Keep it small.
When someone has abused you, it can be difficult to get into the mode of ‘thinking for yourself’ ….
It is good that you have been laughing today – laughter is healing. You know just smiling can release endorphines in your brain and make you feel better.
The stages of grief, are true. I was grieving as well as traumatised when a lot happened to me. (two significant deaths in less than 2 years). I think when you understand the grieving process, it is not so scary – just to know that while you don’t feel normal, you are at least normal for where you are in healing and recovery.
It doesn’t matter where you are, as long as you are moving forward 🙂
Nope you can’t reason with them at all. Their way of thinking is the right way of thinking. They will argue that the sky is yellow if you say it is blue. They also think you are weak and pathetic because you show emotion and talk about your feelings or want to talk about the future. I always felt like I was the bad person or I tried to change his point of view of me as I got the impression that he thought I was an awful person. He always told me to stop being emotional and to start thinking logically. When he found a new source, it got worse. I was so angry, confused and messed in the head (really foggy mind!) that I was sending him message after message trying to get him to respond to me. Then he would say “what!”. Now that I have come out of the fog (although stepped a few steps back) I see what an awful person he actually was to me. It wasn’t me that was the awful person, he was. He took, took, took. He thought I would be ok with him marrying someone else and get over it within a month of contact with him again. That’s how unemotional he was and out of touch from reality. He also blames me for it all as I was “crazy” before he got married as when I got angry he would say “you are always like this!” and then when we got in contact after his marriage and I was angry he would say “you are always like this even before I got married!”. I would never have had a fulfilling relationship or marriage with him. He would always have a secret to hide and have 2 lives. He portrays as a family man but I know who he really is and he is only a very selfish man that only worries about his needs. I pity his wife as she has married a man like this. A man who, 3 weeks after marrying her, was telling me he can’t stop loving me and she was pregnant with his baby!!!
I am no longer his source so he doesn’t care about me. They are very awful creatures. Wish we could ship them all off to some deserted island.
I’ve found people on this site have a tendency to convince themselves they know everything there is to know about sociopaths. Also the word they is so damn common. Merely an observation, it’s as if people don’t want to think of a sociopath as the same species. Amusing.
Let me find some examples first. (All from the first page of comments from this very post)
They have selective memories & selective amnesia but, we don’t so, speak your truth always 🙂
The only right thing that you can say to a sociopath is ‘I am under your control now you do what you want
today I googled “Can you reason with a 1.sociopath 2. narcissist
3. bipolar?” and everyone said save your breath
Nope you can’t reason with them at all. Their way of thinking is the right way of thinking. They will argue that the sky is yellow if you say it is blue. They also think you are weak and pathetic because you show emotion and talk about your feelings or want to talk about the future.
It’s really like if you’ve been with one you’ve been with all. They are all the same. I keep waiting to see differences but there is none. at least no significant difference.
They, from the beginning, needed us to feed off. They tried to feed off us like vampires, and did for awhile, but in the end our own spiritual strength and intuition made us break free.
The difference is that Ego is in full control of the Soc & doesn’t get reigned in ever.
The Soc’s see us a bit like ‘fuel’ & they come to fill up their ‘car’.
Except, we aren’t petrol, were people & that endless, fill, pump,empty, fill again is sadly all they are capable of.
Socios say things to hurt you cos their pride is hurt so they think what they are saying is justified think how children are and how they respond. … Out of spite and retaliation. It’s like that.
A Soc/narc has a huge dose & they see themselves as superior & perfect.
The Soc pretends to have these skills but, its all pretense & they cannot hold their ‘bottle’ when really challenged, hence they start demeaning or deflecting & leave us reeling!
Does it help you guys if you think you’ve become a pro on something after you’ve had an issue? It confounds me, it truly does. Please, I would actually like an answer to that. Does pretending help? Does it make you feel better to act as if you’re smarter now and because of one experience with, quite likely, not a sociopath, you think you know all there is to know and you have some power to ‘warn’ people of these ‘signs’?
Every single one of these is incorrect, which is the great thing. Addressing some main ones
What the hell made anyone think sociopaths have selective memory. It’s a lack of empathy not a lack of brains. There’s also a difference between forgetting and deciding it’s irrelevant and ignoring it. However, if ‘your’ sociopath seemed to actually forget things, he’s an idiot. Not a sociopath. Learn the difference.
You can reason with all of the intelligent ones. Here’s how it works. We will lay out our points, listen to yours, see if we can refute them, if not and yours turns out to be more logical, we will end up agreeing with you. I’ve done that many times before. However, believe it or not, chances are if the person you’re debating with isn’t agreeing, it’s because your point is far less logical. Again, for intelligent ones, only.
Which brings me to another point, there is a difference between a retard and a sociopath. Jesus fucking Christ people.
Actually, reading over every single one of these, I’m realising they all have the same answer. You picking sociopaths isn’t the problem. You picking dumbasses, however, is. Dumbass and sociopath are not interchangeable, if you didn’t get that.
How about “Dating a half-brained fool”. I reckon a lot of people here should transfer.
On another note.
I’ve recently looked over some old songs of mine, and looked deeper into the lyrics. I found something that stood out to me in quite a few songs. Can only remember two songs as of the moment.
Lean on Me (Bill Withers):
Lean on me when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on
You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
I’ll be there for you (The Rembrandts):
No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with
Someone I’ll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I’m best with you, Yeah!
I’ll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I’ll be there for you
(Like I’ve been there before)
I’ll be there for you
(‘Cause you’re there for me too)
The lyrics are showing selfishness, the kind you all seem to contribute to sociopathy. But yet, it is obvious these songs are not written by those who are sociopaths, and have just as much empathy. Being there for someone, just so when you have a bad time they’re obliged to do the same? Is that not what was brought up in another conversation, and someone replied doing exactly that was selfish and shows no empathy and that you’re only self-serving?
This double standard frustrates me…
@Lyss
Acceptance of my experience is my personal journey.
Knowing that I will not get full closure from my Socio or whatever he is has healed me.
My opinions are mine as is my experience. I do not need to debate/argue/justify them to you.
I am on my path as an Empath & you are on your path whatever that is?
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
@Pheonix Rising
I did not ask you to justify your experience, nor did you answer any of my questions >.>
Seeming as you replied however, I’ll ask you a separate question. Why do you need closure? What difference does it make in your mind? Emotional issues are not comparable to physical ones; they do not need healing.
Everybody needs closure. Or at least normal people do. Often when it ends with a sociopath, it is sudden, unexplained, without warning. Often the partner is telling you that you are the love of their life only hours before. This is difficult. What makes it worse is that you the victim are often made out (by the socio) to be the blame. You need closure, because for the victim it makes no logical sense. Sociopaths are charming and charismatic often victims have no idea of the truth until it ends. They are then stuck lost,, in love with a person who didn’t really exist who is a false persona. This can be very difficult to accept and heal from.
@lyss
I can’t speak for everyone only myself, in my experiences, it was the betrayal and heartbreak of how someone could use intimacy, vulnerability, undying belief and hope against them, for their own personal gain, (whatever it maybe). While you may not be this way, there are some who think nothing to leave a person with nothing in the street, who professed undying forever love just an hour before, true story.
Reason I believe he is NS, patterned of learned behavior, (he is cycling through his third “marriage” since we separated), and honestly a statement you made in one of our first conversations I believe,
“….A sociopath does not need nor want help, it’s an altered way of thinking, not a condition”.
It stunned me, because it true and I see him altering my children. I have no idea how to stop it.
As far as closure, My ex is who he is, and honestly, he is addled with addiction, alcohol, drugs, gambling, women, etc. I don’t want anything to do with him. So him “discarding” me, was a favor. Which when the opportunity arises, I thank him. 😊.
I tried to find the most logic of words to explain. I get indirectness flusters you. Hope it helps.
Hi Lyss,
I think your supposition that, “Emotional issues are not comparable to physical ones; they do not need healing,” is off-base, to put it lightly. Not only can emotional-mental abuse be more damaging than physical, it can be more pervasive and harder to target the associated root issue.
Of course it would be nice if a sociopath could salve the damage they do but, because—as you seem to verify—they don’t even understand the breach, they are not really a capable source for repair. Most here feel their emotional-mental wounds are best addressed by digging deeper into themselves with the help of a compassionate professional, but no doubt they need to be addressed for us to be able to be fully healthy enough to move on. A person of any type of abuse can’t carry residual anger, resentment, confusion, or conflict and expect healthy future relationships.
I rather have to marvel that you don’t even seem to question the possibility of fallacy in your thinking. But, I guess it would make sense that it would be an ill mind that would most whole-heartedly discount the need for a doctor.
I agree absolutely jusa. I have spent years arguing this same point.
@Jusagurl,
Thank you! 😊
@jusagurl, Ex def an S
I think many people misunderstood what I meant in my previous comment. It is not that I do not understand pain, I do. My thinking is not that the issue does not need resolving, merely this ‘closure’, in my eyes, is an inefficient and pointless way to do it. My thinking is that, you get hurt, you do something about it, or you do not, but either way you get the fuck over it. Wallowing in self-pity gets nowhere, which is why closure is a term I find somewhat alludes me.
Also, if I could possibly bring your attention to my original post, with the lyrics, as no one has addressed that yet.
Ummm how do you get the fuck over it if you have no closure? Don’t you realise (you should if a socio) many people are still in love with the wonderful caring masked persona they were presented with. The cold unemotional person, feels alien. It is like the person they were in love with vanished (or died) and this is very hard. At least when someone dies there is usually a funeral. If the death was unexplained there would be an inquest which would provide answers. It’s just not normal. Or logical and to us it makes no sense at all.
@positivagirl
When someone dies, I would want to find out the cause of death merely to appease my curiosity, not because it would help me emotionally in any way. I would want to see how accurately I could guess the cause of death, and see if I was right.
I’ve told people already I do not want a funeral, or at least do not wish to be talked about when I am gone. But eh.
See, usually, the reason for leaving is logical in some way. Which is why you find out why, not for closure, but instead to gain knowledge.
I really just don’t see how being sad ever helps anyone. It stops you doing things you should be doing, and it annoys people around you.
Sadness, unfortunately is something that you can do little about, for someone who has emotions. I think that this is what is so painful for victims, because socios often put on the mask to mirror that they are ‘so in love’, to us when you walk away and there are no emotions, it then becomes clear that we were lied to. As our definition of love is all that we know. To us, we don’t just switch off emotions. Having a logical reason to leave wouldn’t stop us loving someone.
In that sense, being without emotions like that which you can switch off, you are (I have thought) at an advantage.
Mind you, one of the bonuses of sociopaths (I have found) is that they also move on after arguments just as fast. So arguments are not long drawn out events. I always appreciated that. We would fight so bad. Then next time I saw him it was forgotten as If it never happened. I always saw that as a bonus. Of course the not drawing our arguments does not include if evidence can be used against you for manipulative or controlling reasons. Also if you have really hacked off the sociopath and they think they will never see you again anyway they might just show you by ruining and smear campaigns to destroy you. But the rest like a huge row. Next day socio can act as if it never happened.
@ Lyss, LOL your post was-Beautiful and Brilliant. Thank you:) I could not agree with you more. Selective hearing v I don’t give a flying fuck and your point is frivolous and rather ignorant…Loved it. Still laughing
@Lyss…….if mine isn’t a Sociopath, he is the biggest idiot , narcissistic loser ever. I am not an expert on the topic but after living through the hurt another human being inflected on me, I want to support a person that is going through a hard time. I am yet to have a friend that has gone through the same situation as myself, and they are probably grateful for, so it is nice to talk to people who relate.
Hi Ex & Ditto,
We are not here to justify what we think re our experience. We are here to help each other & support & heal.
Remember that you cannot get closure from a Soc/Narc/loser but, talking with others that ‘get you’ & don’t ‘bait you’ is better for you so, No Contact is best even here 😉
You will come to acceptance & realise that you are worthy & deserving of truth, integrity & honesty.
Love & Light.
PR xoxo
@Ex def an S
A Previous post of yours says that ‘they are very awful creatures. Wish we could ship them all off to some deserted island’. May I ask what compelled you to think this way about all of them? Sure, hate one, but the others had nothing to do with it.
lov’n this site….just to be validated and heard,,,I feel a million times lighter…still having bad nightmares about him after me …but now just log on and get more information affirming…no, i am not crazy as he said…that HE is one SICK COOKIE….hope i am posting this in the right place…thanks everyone for your shares. I still can’t tell my whole horrid story. little by little i have come to accept I am really brave for getting the fuck away from him….My hands are still shaking but at least i can get dressed and go to yoga today.
Hi Johnny 😃
You are brave & we all make mistakes. Accepting this is more significant than the mistake of allowing this person into your life.
You will find in time as you share, learn etc…that you are resilient & more powerful than you ever imagined.
Have fun at yoga & be the Lotus & bloom 😘
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
Thanks PR..I am shocked that I the victim feel so much Shame about marrying him after 26 years of so happily single, well liked, just got graphic arts degree, great sense of humor…….self hate…depression is really anger unexpressed turned inward. Remembering one day he suddenly said “GOD you used to be so NICE…now you are such a bitch,,” “all my wives turn into bitches”…I am #4 ….I stood up to him
Rruly nice and you were pretending to be nice and now I see you as u really are….,well that is when the physical abuse started and the emotional, mental, physiological escalated.. I think he had totaled the car and was just telling me lie after lie about how it happened. WELL am starting to feel dizzy just writing this…..at my alanon meeting I told a few friends a little bit about what he did to me so at least I am getting some of the anger out that us making me so i’ll…doctor says living under so much stress for so long it is like PTSD……gheeesshhh I think he wanted to kill me or something….but has realized he has such self hate….he put it on me. Loved someone said here, they are salesman with no product. using only 6 words to state your whole life in a class I said “hitched my wagon to shooting star” also being with him with him was like being tied to the back of a runaway horse….OK rants over! everyone be good to yourselves today and I will too.
Hi all. I have not been here in awhile as old sociopath dude not an issue. But i have a story I must get off of my chest and I do not want totalk to the perpetrators because they likely wont care and I do not want them to know how utterly gutted I am. My heart is broken. This is just a friend story…
18 years ago I was mad in love with a man and we had a child together. After the breakup way back in the 90s we have been best best friends. We could hang out.. have laughs… we bothed moved on romantically but we were still a family. I did not know how much he meant to me until he moved across country to work and for some reason I cried my eyes out. Anyway…got over that… he hung out when he visited etc. We have had a few fights here and there over parenting and money etc bit never anything to kill the bond.
2nd person- my girlfriend of a few years we had a huge fight once and i ended a friendship with another long time friend of mine and those two immediately became besties. They were both out of my life for some time and one still is. The other one apologized and gave me some drivel about wanting to be around happy positive people so I made up with her. Eventually of course she met my baby daddy friend at my house over a couple of drinks. He hit on her …she wasnt interested sexually but she did not mind befriending and hanging out with him. I took this in stride even though i knew it broke girl code… you just. Dont. Hang with your friends baby daddy exes. Am i wrong?
I had another fight with him last summer …. not any different from anyother. He ended up having to pay more child support. I knew he wasnt talking to me as much but never in a milliom years did i think we did not love each other. I have just found out this whole time since my supposed best friend (who should be on my side full stop) has been hanging and now she says ‘ohhhh he is like a brother to me’. Yeah… cuz.. he was to me for decades and now when i am upset to have lost him as a close friend (never mind the father if my child) you swoop in and suck it all up for yourself. Incredible to me.
I know she knew it wasnt cool…because she kept it a secret all this time. He has since returned for an extended break and took her and her daughter out for dinner. Later that night he msgs me to take us out for dinner. I mentioned it to her and only then did she tell me he took her out.
Oh and she also found great delight in telling my FAMILY MEMBERS how much he hates me. Seriously?
The sad thing is… i had no idea we were even that acrimonious!!!!!
This is my gf. Out with my ex and baby daddy talking about me behind my back and in secret. I do not know which of them has caused me more pain… It is so much betrayal … traitorous and hurtful. WHO DOES THAT???
Two relationships wrecked. I want to never speak to either one of them again but I tried to explain this to her and she a) doesnt give a fuck and b) just doesnt get it.
My other friends are flabbergasted… one even said she could not even believe we were having the conversation!!!!
I am sick with betrayal. What do I do? I would like to tell her we cannot be friends any longer .not enemies…. but this is the 2nd time she has best friended someone I fought with … truly bizarre behaviour and i do not trust her. Whether she is selfish or just plain stupid… i do not need friends who take pleasure in my losses and gain from them for themselves.
Any words to help heal this?
@FS
Suggestion, employ no contact with both of them and if you must speak to him, email only. I forgot that part. Especially if she’s done this twice to you, I didn’t see this, on my phone. I would disconnect as many ties as possible from them having contact in my life.
Hi feelingstupid,
It doesn’t really seem like the people around you have been pulling for you. I wonder if you’ve questioned why that is.
I get how you would feel stupid or naïve at being the last to know what’s going on, but then, how would you when nobody seems like they’re being straight with you. I don’t know whether you have any issues that need resolution that grate on people (we all have some and have to be honest with ourselves to address). That’s one possibility.
However, even if you need some work (as I said, we all do), the people around you are not your supporters, they are your betrayers. That doesn’t make you naïve/stupid, that makes them corrupt. Are they jealous of you? I don’t know.
I know when people are strong in some areas, it doesn’t take much for others to construct a pile on to bring them down to their level. And these people aren’t performing to your level. You’ve already expressed how you choose to handle friends and those closest to you—these people don’t share your values.
You might have some obligation to work this through with people who are blood relation, but if I were you, I would put no such effort into people who seemingly have no vested interest in my well-being. You are right in that it doesn’t matter whether the person is being selfish or just stupid/ignorant. Part of real friendship is caring enough to protect the relationship. We also call this respect. If you find it absent, whether the person is a sociopath or not, you have to decide if you can continually deal with this breach. If they care more about themselves or a relationship outside the one with you, leave them to themselves.
@FS 😃
Prior to my Soc ex, i was married for 15 years together 19 & 2 children. My ex was a gambler & drinker. He left with our business receptionist & my friend so, i get that level of betrayal.
I then had to sell my home,car & relocate & he withheld financial support. I was so traumatized & vulnerable that I ran straight into the waiting arms of my Soc. 10 years later & here I am.
My advice is, stay No Contact unless you have no choice. Get a good legal advisor. Don’t date anyone else until you are okay mentally or you’ll run the risk of taking unresolved baggage into the next relationship. My friends saved me & I had great family support. Be kind to yourself, get counseling to help you heal & take your time to make decisions concerning your future.
The betrayal is deep & unfathomable but, you can survive.
Its really awful that the people you trust & love are really your enemy. Like going into battle against the enemy & finding the ones on your side have not got your back & are actually the enemy as well!
Be strong & come & vent & share.
Learn everything & take comfort in the knowledge you are not alone.
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
@FS
There are no words to heal this situation, I am sorry this happen to you. I can relate to the pain and betrayal you are feeling, because my ex did something similar. The reason he may have keep you at a friendship level was because it made your co-parenting and financial situation easier to manage? I don’t know? I know that’s how my ex operates and if he can have sex with you too, GREAT! Anything that benefits him. The girlfriend, now she just doesn’t know any better, however he treated you, will be her fate. It’s unfortunate, these people see how the previous partner was discarded, what makes them think they will be treated any better? Oh because they are currently being lied too! It’s a vicious cycle, just be your own best friend right now! What is done in darkness is always brought to light. I know none of this dissipates any of the pain or anguish you feel, but many of us do understand, you just have to go through the healing. Go treat your self to something! Best thing to do when something unpleasant happens. 😊
NIBSIH.
I was having an awful day yesterday. Just one thing after another at work 🙂
@Lyss…..sometimes emotional pain can be worse than physical pain as it involves the brain. To explain how emotional pain feels like, imagine someone hits you and the pain that is felt. Now emotionally when we are hurt we can feel that pain internally like in your stomach, your heart and your head. When someone is playing with your head, it can feel like walking around in a daze or not being able to concentrate or just one long headache. Just like an spaths self esteem and joy increases during this time, a victim has the opposite reaction. So to get closure, we want that emotional feeling to decrease (I don’t think it ever goes away).
Yes Positive….exactly. Also, it is usually during the aftermath that the puzzle starts to fit. More details about a second life might emerge or someone tells you something or you make a discovery. Also, the fog starts to lift and you see how things really were. This can take time to process and get over, if ever. A persons trust is broken. Sometimes a person can start to question everything in their life. Also, this is a dangerous time as this is when a person can start to either self harm or think of suicide, if they haven’t already.
Yes it is a very difficult painful time ex. It was how I felt during this time that made me determined to get this site together. I felt so lost, so confused, like the world was spinning on an axis.
Thank you Pos, re reply about closure. 🙂
As we all know, emotional pain is a lot harder to heal & that is why I mentioned never truly having ‘closure’ as, the intent of my Socio was to use & abuse, demean & discard etc….
That knowledge was eased by my greater awareness & understanding of the personality that you have always described so well in your posts. 🙂
I describe my personal journey, as we all do & find that you & others that truly ‘get it’ understand & have helped me get to a stage of acceptance.
Lyss was picking out certain parts of my replies to others otherwise, I would never have replied. I don’t find that healthy nor constructive.
I wrote this to myself ages ago;
My Soc/Narc
He has a sense of Entitlement which transpired for me as Enlightenment. I am now aware of myself.
He has a Grandiose sense of self.
I will now Value my own self as he does himself but, not at the expense of others.
He uses seduction so, I will seduce myself & love myself fully as he told me I was his ‘soul mate’, I will be my own.
He demeaned me.
I will tell myself the truth, even if it hurts.
I will say NO to anyone that does not treat me appropriately & with the respect I feel I deserve.
He discarded me so, I will find the ‘treasure’ within & recycle & rebuild as, people cannot be thrown away like a material object. I will never abandon myself ever again. 🙂
Lesson Learned & I am Grateful. I am an Empath & I’ve found my PATH:)
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I love this what you wrote to yourself. It’s beautiful and a beautiful idea to do. Someone once wrote about a jar of happiness and positive things. Each day to write one thing that you love about you/ your life. Once a month (or earlier if you need it) tip the jar out and see the happiness and positive. I think also with closure. Sometimes it helps to write that closure letter…. Even if you never send it, or get the opportunity to say the words.
@Positiva, that’s so true…
@ Pos & for anyone interested in ‘closure’.
I found this article & the part about respectful closure says it all 🙂
http://www.examiner.com/article/relationship-breakup-what-does-closure-actually-mean-is-it-important
PR xoxo
loved watching it.. thanks
@Lyss….you have a valid point. Being sad isn’t fun to be around and, I must admit, I do get sick of friends that always use me as a venting machine. I am someone that bottles it up and puts a brave face on. I think I was shocked and devastated and wanted answers more than anything. I used all of these sad emotions and tried to turn actions into positive things. After the initial shock, about a month later, I started to look for a house to buy, a month after that I found a block of land to build on, I then built a house. I purchased a puppy. Both of these things helped me and gave me something positive to concentrate on. I also started to learn about different personality disorders out there and my interest in that kind of stuff grew.
Hence why you are a Sociopath, because you can move on very quickly without any feelings involved. You just let it go immediately and move onto the next thing. A person might actually view that as a positive outlook on things as well.
Maybe in some instances, it’s like trying to explain color to someone who is blind or music to someone who is deaf, unless you are able to wander in another persons soul, it’s not explainable and some can not understand.
Just a thought.
NIBSIH.
Yes I guess so.
@NIBSIH
Not an incorrect concept; it works both ways, and it’s frustrating for both parties.
You can’t get me to understand what it is to feel empathy.
I cannot get you to understand what it is like without empathy.
Honestly, I’d prefer the latter. It’s much easier to see clearly and without emotions/empathy clouding all judgments and perceptions.
@lyss
I understand, having worked in law enforcement for almost 20 years, I became very “well trained” in “doing” and “not feeling”. In fact “feeling” was a sign of weakness and frowned upon. (I was Diagnosed with PTSD, dealing with death, major traumas, children traumas, just bad bad things, the car jacking at gun point, horrid divorce, custody battles, bankruptcy, ugh you name it!) So it was a matter of selecting what you could carry with you, and not, much like a switch. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until the last 18 months. So work treating me like poop, my older two ungrateful children, my mother and her issues (another ugly story), work related injury, my NS -ex, divorce, then the custody battle from hell, so sometimes, I get it, I don’t feel. Or I am on the opposite end of the spectrum and I over feel, or I isolate myself. Does that make me a sociopath? Maybe?
I did see a interesting quote on Pinterest I felt it applied to me.
“I used to think I was over reacting, now I realize it’s just a normal reaction to a abnormal amount of BULLSHIT”
Made me laugh!!
As far as emotions, messing with the clarity of my judgements and perceptions. There are only 4 people on this Earth, who I would give my entire self for to spare their life, and those people are my children. Yes they are stupidly selfish at times and ungrateful, probably forever, but they are mine and I love them more than myself forever. They didn’t ask for this life, it was I who brought the NS into it and he ruined our lives. This is the only thing I feel responsible for. Everything else, they can or can not change for themselves, except for him.
And Lyss, your perspective at times helps me to understand, especially when you speak of your childhood. My children do not discuss their father to me, because they know I object to him.
So how do you give your child their father, whom you know they love just as much as they love you, yet you know, there is nothing beneficial about the man! He is using the children to try and control you. Any suggestions?
NIBSIH.
@NIBSIH
You say you would give anything for your children, even though they are ungrateful and selfish, so on and so forth. Meaning you care for them unconditionally. You have/had a problem with emotions, not empathy. I’d say it just made you emotionless/made you hide your emotions. Some sociopaths, however, do have a larger range of emotions, I’ve found. Still less than most people with empathy, but some nonetheless. As you stated yourself, that’s a PTSD problem. Sorry I cannot be quite as knowledgeable about that specific illness.
Regarding your last question, let them do what they want. And that works both ways. If you attempt to bring them further away from their father, they’ll resent you. If you attempt to do what my mother did and force them to him, they’ll resent you, again. So just tell them they can do what they want, if they’re old enough to be responsible about that. And don’t do, again what my mother did, and change your mind. Consistency is key.
@PG….yep, that is an advantage with an Spath, they quickly move on after an argument. That’s if you don’t get the silent treatment lol. Down side is that no issues were discussed and solved.
i think a good post would be to write about the insane things they made us say and do to try to force closure…. sigh, i have led my S to believe that i am away for the weekend with another man, so he can stop stalking me… and perhaps if he thinks i have moved on he will let me go…. but who is the idiot here? me, i am the one now trapped inside my flat for a weekend pretending to be out? is that not insanity?
Yes this is insanity. It also potentially opens another can of worms of stalking, harassment, intimidation – oh just a nightmare. Sociopaths don’t like losing or not being in control. They like to know that you are finished off good and proper when its over.
@ Pos,
I didn’t argue much with mine as I knew he was opinionated so, no point stressing over it.
In hindsight I realized that I just couldn’t be bothered & that he would give me the ‘silent treatment’ if I dared disagree anyhow. I am not confrontational so, let it go & he was a master at massaging an outcome to suit himself. Living the lie to the end etc…
True to form he would storm off leaving me confused when he knew I was onto him etc…then he would send in his proxy’s to cover for him.
Right to the very end, he tried to placate me with his ‘proxy’ people!
I am so glad I am free of his delusion & know the truth.
I’d rather hold my own hand than the hand of a liar & control freak any-day 🙂
PR x
@Ex, ditto that re no resolutions etc…
You know what’s funny, the night I got the email from the OW I was watching the last episode of Downton Abbey & never saw the end….that’s cathartic! It was a car crash!
It’s what the end was truly like with my Soc & like a soap opera the drama kept running for many seasons! 😉
I never got to see the ending nor will I.
No conclusion, no nothing so, I gained acceptance.
Which is not resignation but, just acceptance that I need to find my own answers & resolve my own stuff which I have 🙂
@ Pos, Lyss & All,
For me, I guess I answered my own ‘closure’ question raised by Lyss.
Lyss, it was like he was there one minute & all was good & then ‘poof’ he was gone. No warning, nothing just gone.
If someone has an accident & dies etc…you have the body, you have the grief….in this case, you just get the grief without any explanation & that’s why the pain of the loss is so deep. There one minute, gone the next & then nothingness except the lies & deception that gets discovered. You can heal a wound eventually but, emotional healing can take forever depending on the loss etc…sometimes it never heals.
Scars are more than just on the surface sadly.
Does this make sense?
It’s hard to articulate as, it’s different for everyone but, that’s my take on it. I am also at work so, on the fly as usual….I will answer your other questions re lyrics when I have more time but, please don’t pick out my analogies etc…it’s just who I am 🙂
The fuel etc…analogy….vampire….analogy…just to clarify, explain & compare, nothing more, nothing less 🙂
I don’t judge you as an individual, I don’t know you.
I see the comparisons & similarity in traits & yes, we all have them but, I don’t judge you nor walk your road so, please don’t question mine just keep it normal & healthy & less attacking. I don’t think all Soc’s are the same but, the behavior & patterning is significant. I do not like the way people are deliberately used & I would not like this to happen to you either. Abuse in any form is abuse & that’s why most of us are here, to share, vent & heal & I hope you see this for what it’s worth.
We don’t come to shoot anyone down but, raise them up & I am happy to talk with you as long as you do this & not the opposite.
Thanks 🙂
PR
Pos, I think it’s important to write to them & decide either to send it or keep it or burn it, whatever works.
I like the jar idea & every night I pick a word, just one like, peace, love, awareness, gratitude etc…nothing negative & I write it down & place it under my pillow or on bedside table. I sleep on it & n the morning I read it & say, today this word will be my guide. I take the word with me everywhere, just the one word. By the end of the day, I have either reminded myself of my word & imprinted it in my mind.
It helps & keeps me focused.
Today’s word is HEAL so, I am actively incorporating it into my day 🙂
I drink water to heal, I write to heal, I move to heal etc…& on it goes until it’s permeated my whole being 🙂
Try it & you can re-use a word anytime & build it up to 3, love, happy, heal…. 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Lyss,
I’d be interested on your take on these Katy Perry Lyrics.
“Choose Your Battles”
You are my hurt locker lover
Keep me walking on a wire
Don’t know when you’ll blow
So I tiptoe through your triggered mind
You fight me but I’m on your side
Defeated, now retreating
[Pre-chorus:]
Why you tryna make me your enemy
All you really need is a little peace
I just wanna be your lover
Oh, this is not a competition
So baby why the ammunition
I don’t wanna be the last one standing
[Chorus:]
Choose your battles, babe
Then you’ll win the war
Stop digging your own grave
When there’s so much to live for
Choose your battles, babe
‘Cause I’m not fighting anymore
I am not fighting anymore
I’ve tried to pick off your red flags
But dancing on broken glass
Your mind games hit like grenades
We’re cursed just like the Kennedys
But you somehow get me on my knees,
Defeated, now retreating
[Pre-chorus]
[Chorus]
If you wanna go, then go
If you wanna stay, then stay
‘Cause I don’t wanna fight no more, baby
I am not fighting anymore
If you wanna go, then go
If you wanna stay, then stay
I don’t wanna fight no more anyway,
I am not fighting anymore
If you wanna go, then go
(choose your battles, babe)
If you wanna stay, then stay
(then you win the war)
‘Cause I don’t wanna fight no more, baby
(Stop digging your own grave
When there’s so much to live for)
Choose your battles, babe
‘Cause I’m not fighting anymore
I am not fighting anymore anyway, anyway,
I am not fighting anymore
If you wanna go, then go
If you wanna stay, then stay
‘Cause I don’t wanna fight no more, baby
@Pheonix Rising
Well, first of all, the repetitive use of babe and baby get on my nerves >.>
But honestly, I think she’s lying. If she wanted a resolution, she would leave, not give whoever she’s talking about the choice. She’s not tired of fighting, she’s complaining but yet continuing.
As I’ve said previously, my relationship however, is rather different than ‘normal’ ones.
Please refer back to the lyrics I quoted and answer my question >.> still, no one has and I’m too impatient.
Oddly, he emailed me this morning after ages, like there was nothing wrong and why am I ignoring him. Sheesh!! unbelievable.
Yes they do this…. disappear, give you time to calm down and forget… and then they pop up as if nothing has happened.
officially 10 months NC.
Well done. How are you doing?
Yay GL 🙂
So So proud of you!
Congrat’s in the 10 mths NC 🙂
I knew you could do it once you got free of the reminders etc…I wish you continued love, support & peace.
PR xoxo
Really good. It’s been a crazy year with the cross country move and job change. It took me 6 months of being here before it started feeling like home. This is my life now. Everything that happened is such a distant memory. It helps so much to not have the same surroundings.
Things with my new SO are going great. Every day he seems to be more and more someone worth falling in love with. He has already said it to me, but we are 7 months in, not 14 days like the ex S. It has been such an interesting experience comparing what I thought was a perfect relationship with my now current healthy one. He is so respectful, kind, loving and…normal. No drama. I will admit that I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop in some instances but it takes a conscious effort to want to get over something, and I do.
My ex s crosses my mind, of course, but less and less with time. And when he does there is less emotion attached to the whole thing.
It sort of just is what it is
This is great news…. and also gives hope to people who are trying to come out of the constant drama. Am so happy for you, and that your life is going well 🙂 This is great to hear 🙂 🙂
See Pos 🙂
You have helped set another butterfly free 🙂 🙂 🙂
LOVE PR xoxo
thanks for this idea PR…for the past 3 nights have been
sleeping on ‘acceptance’ inside my pillow case……today
feel so much lighter and not so frazzled…..did not contact
him and found some help with my meager finances………
am at the point where i would rather starve than beg him for anything he promised.
Hi Johnny 😃
That’s great & I just wanted to tell you that Acceptance is not Resignation, it’s a greater understanding & awareness in knowing that this experience has changed you but, not destroyed you.
The person we started with has changed, we all started with our ‘Soc’ as believers & finished with deceivers.
We now decide for ourselves that our changes are a chance for growth & renewal of ourselves. We either grow from here or don’t, the choice is & always has been ours.
Keep thinking & becoming the necessary changer that you are.
Acceptance is a great gift & so it Awareness of it 😃
Believe in yourself & be courageous, we are all supporting you & you deserve happiness.
Love & light 😃
PR xoxo
I just read a great article by a psychologist on the warning signs you are dating “the loser”. Our soc’s definitely are caught in his net. http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
another thing that helped me turn the corner is when I read on here about the three phases. 1. assessing you…2. seducing you…
3. Ruining you…..as their entire game strategy…..what sad losers
they all are.
He never deserved me, and I truly love myself for getting away from him. I am worthy of so much more than crumbs.
@ Johnny,
You were akways worthy of more & now you realise it 😃
When you focus on obsessive thought of him, focus only on something you didn’t like about him that you chose to overlook because you cared for him. Mine was a nail biter, drove me insane! When I think of him nibbling away, I am repulsed & any residual care feelings dissipate very quickly.
The OW in my saga, she’s lovely.
I told him, “gee, you picked her over me as she ‘won’ that competition” & her prize is a lying, cheating, gaming ,demeaning, discarding Sociopath/Narc!
Gee, I have never been so grateful to lose. Remember, that’s what the next person gets. We get freedom from that, hardly a loss from our vantage point.
Your new word to add is WORTHY, inprint that on your brain from now on.
PR x
Oops typo’s 😁damn illiterate iphone 😁😜
My last comment did not post probably since I included a link in it. I just across a website by a psychologist that has some great articles on it. It is drjoecarver dot com.
I wish I had seen his article “The Loser, warning signs you’re dating a loser” before meeting my soc. It might have short-circuited that relationship or his suggestions on how to escape might have made my escape easier. Since I did not, I guess I will have to employ some of the techniques in his “Emotional Memory Management ” article. Really learned a lot from that one.
Lots of Love AGPT
The EMM articles has really practical suggestions on how to water down or prevent pulling out emotionally laden junk files in the first place. I am definitely going to round up all those disparate memories from my period with the socio and place them into one mental filing cabinet, as he suggests. I am thinking the label on that cabinet will be “Memories from the Shark Tank” haha :). That label will probably assist in not pulling out individual files.
Yep, I felt like I lost and the OW won but us survivors are the ones that won. That is how I try and look at it too, even though that is hard to see sometimes. If I had won, my life would have been hell. Who here, if you were still in that relationship, would be either dead or even more mentally ill? I just think that someone upstairs was looking out for me and knew that I could do a lot better and deserved a lot better than that scum of a human being in my life. Unfortunately we all had to go through hell to have seen that. Now I just have to wait until that wonderful man does come into my life. This is all a chapter in our lives that one day we will close but learn from and be thankful that we got out off.
I am, at the moment, just glad to not be his source (just waiting until I get the ‘darling, can you help me with money’ email lol). As much as I would love to get my money back, sadly he is a con man that probably never will give it back. His life might be good now with a new wife and baby but it will only be a matter of time until karma bites his backside really, really hard.
Hi guys,
Just wanted to post this here.
This is happenenig right now today as I write. It’s about a friend (not me),
A gentle lovely lady I know.
She was married to an abusive man & I even witnessed him beat her ine day back in the 70’s out in the street when I was playing cricket with her boys.
He eventually left her for another & for a time she was free. Then a few years later she me & married another older man. He seemed alright but, apparently another dominant abusive cycle ensued. She cared for him until he died a few years back from emphysema. In her time with him, she suffered a compleye breakdown & had ECT ( zapped her brain).
She was good until about a month ago, in the last 12 months she’d been seeing a guy that wanted to keep their relationship secret etc….promised her everything & guess what?
He rang oneday & said, he didn’t care nor love her. Goodbye!
This was the final straw & right now, she is being placed into an ambulance after being discharged from a private physchiatric hospital (her insurance was up). Sent her home & a special CAT team has arrived to sanction her & take her away to a public physch unit 😦
This lady is the sweetest, kindest soul.
It’s a tragedy but, I am sharing this with you so, you see that you cannot let someone break you to this point.
If you need help or support, get it.
Please think of her ( my friend) & make sure this doesn’t happen to you, your all worth better treatment & worthy of happiness & not the inside of your own mind prison or physchiatric ward.
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
PG……that is heartbreaking. Isn’t that one of our worse nightmares, where you can’t break that cycle of abusive relationships. What a wonderful woman. It always seems to be the wonderful, kind and caring people that seems to attract these horrible people. Thinking of her 😦
Hi Ex,
Don’t worry, Karma catches up with us all.
Concentrate on you only & always be grateful, you got away.
Money does not buy love so, kiss it off.
You have you & that’s worth far more.
Your invaluable, remember that & you are important.
Love PR xoxo
Thanks PR…..for reminding me how important sense of humor is to our recovery…..please tell me the guitar song wasn’t ‘Fire on the water’?
Now I realize our thoughts create our feelings, not the other way round….was thinking of so many many really odd but funny as in stupid things he did, said. thought….like he was the only smart,clever educated person in this world bar none! Then I started to feel bad and shut down….so I will spare you all the unbelieveable stories and let myself just float in my own wonderfulness and get on with my day….I so apprecate this site and all of the sharings……Last night I was in very bad pain (torn rotator cuff) so got up @ 2pm and read some of the old posts and felt so much better….Oh and as an aside…funny the hurt shoulder is in the arm where he always punched me in in the bicept…..WTF????
So here is a joke about my past with him….a turtle is walking down the lane and suddenly is mugged by a gang of snails…….well the police come and ask the turtle ‘what happened?’ and the turtle answers I really don’t know it all happened so FAST!!!! Which kinda describes my adventures in Whackoland before I found you guys…..
Have been watching drjoecarver.com video’s as mentioned on here…….VERY GOOD and so telling…
Basically HE didn’t feel good unless I felt a little less than…..so sick
any way I can add to my name on here??? want to change it to
JoyousJohnny
Hiya Joyous Johnny 😃
Love that turtle joke 😃
‘How many Soc’s does it take to change a lightbulb?’
Answer 4,
One to switch it on ( aka seduction)
One to flick it on & off (aka gaming)
One to get annoyed it’s not ‘bright’ enough (aka demeaning)
One to toss the old one in the bin, ( aka discarding) , with a few more switch flicks ongoing just to ‘test it’.
I broke my shoulder years ago, went sailing down a hill on a billycart into a tree!!! I told everyone I was practicing for the luge like in ‘Cool Runnings’.
Took me ages to rehab it but, I did & escaped without permanent disability 😃
Smashed it, broke scapula, broke ball of shoulder & it subluxed 3 inches out of socket! Attractive look as all my clothes fell off my shoulder so, I was always dishevelled but, I soldiered on & still standing & rebuilt again.
Moral of the story, stay away from billycarts & trees that don’t get out of the way! 😁😘❤️️
Keep being wonderful & funny 😃
Love PR xoxo
My Spath sent out a group email promoting the trip he went on and what the trip was and the cost. I replied back “quite surprised you could afford this considering how poor you always say you are.” He replied “what?” (Of course, he always does). And I replied back and said “How stupid was I too think you needed help all that time.” He replied “it was for work. Did you think I would go and pay for it? Yes you are stupid” I replied back and said “don’t insult me by saying that I am stupid when all I did was help you.” No response since. What a loser. I just rolled my eyes. I am so immune to him calling me names now because I know that he is the stupid one. I highly doubt that trip was for work. He got caught out.
Hi Ex, stay NC as emailing him will keep you in the game, even just angry or annoyed. If course you caught him but, he won’t care as he will lie to you & himself.
Stay out of his silly games as much as you can. Save up & go on a trip & post your own wonderful time up.
He’s a dick!
Eliza Doolittle ( fav english singer) has a lyric in one of her songs, ‘just a little boy in a big girls world!’
Katy Perry’s last album re Russell her Soc, have a listen to her last album as well, very inspiring & true 😃
Love PR xoxo
Hi again I only tore half of rotator tendon so should regain up to 90% use….but when that happens the bicept rolls down like one of those little whistles that roll out when you blow. Result I now have a permanet huge bicept…that is called a POPEYE! LOL
Popeye 😃
Keep positive as shoulders etc…are painful but, your already very resilient so, channel it into your recovery 😃
Stay strong on every level & you will be fine.
PR x
I wondered for a long time why this kept happening over and over no matter how hard I tried to find someone who was not a sociopath. After 30 years of hell I am DONE!! Single and happy.
I wondered also what did I do that makes them think this kind of treatment is ok? And how do I keep finding these people? Finally came to realize that there are far more of them than you can imagine and that abusers are going to abuse. They do not need your permission or a reason. Abusers are going to abuse. Kick yourself no longer….
Hi Brianna, welcome to the site. Being single is not such a bad thing when you have been in abusive relationships. I recall a therapist saying to me, ‘at least you will have time to think, and nobody will be hurting you’ I think its also a good time to heal. When you put all of the energy back into you, you won’t allow someone to come in and pull down your world again, you would have spent too long working on you – for you.
Thanks PR. I had a good laugh about it this morning with a friend. We realised that it must be his new “get rich quick scheme/business idea.” Looking at what he sent out again, there are a few faults in it, like the price being way too low. Probably out to con people with it. So, if he does either go ahead with it, he will be really out of pocket, or he will have people, chasing him. Apparently for 9 days for a trip to Saudi Arabia will cost $US1,650. LOL!!!!! Might get a flight there but I am guessing they will be sleeping on the streets there. I would love to know how this pans out. I will have to keep an ear out for some goss hehe.
Hi Ex,
Hopefully they will keep him in Saudi!
If you put a foot wring there, look out!
There is hope 😃
Love PR xoxo