What I meant by selective amnesia & selective memory was that when I challenged my Soc on his lies, he would try & rewrite the events & massage a better outcome for himself.
He would recant the story/lie but, conveniently & subtly change the script.
For example, his mothers funeral, he lat me believe I was attending & told me the wrong day deliberately! Then when I confronted him on this, he blamed his ex-wife for it?
I could not fathom why he just didn’t say ‘please don’t come’ my ex will start a fuss. Instead, he rolled up after the funeral (still pretending it was the next day & I knew it had already taken place!)
He then complained about running about all day organising cars etc….you should have seen his face when I called him out. I kicked him out, & all he was worried about was missing the roast dinner I had prepared!
He then rang to explain that he was stressed etc….was upset about his ex stirring ( she didn’t) & blamed her for everything. He begged me for forgiveness as he didn’t want to lose me on top of his beloved mother!
Selective amnesia re the stalling & gaming over the date if the funeral then turned into selective memory of the event & yes, by that point he couldn’t give a flying f#*k about his lies to me!
He would always remember what I said but, never what he said or did. He would split out if himself or I’d get the silent treatment if I persued the topic.
Why did I put up with this, everytime I had enough, he would enlist his proxy’s to convince me I was misinformed etc…these people were police/firemen/family members etc…I doubted myself when they spoke highly of him & covered so expertly.
My Soc/Narc is very covert & sits in two roles at work. He plays management off against the union & his ‘nickname’ I discovered is the Scab!
If they can’t see through his games, then that’s why I was so played!
@pr…haven’t said hi in awhile. Just want u to know I’m doing good and was thinking about u. I’m doing good in life and work and keeping my nose clean! No crazy ladies in my life. I’m hanging on to the archetypes of women (thank u) instead of “being chosen” by whoever. I was think about u awesome Aussies as I watched the Bra boys documentary. Anyway I just wanted to say hi
Hiya UC aka Broken 😃
I was just about to get some zzzz’s & saw your post.
I am glad you are good & staying away from the ‘crazy’ ladies 😃
Thanks re compliments towards us Aussies, we are a great people & country 😃
You will have to come & personally check us out. Maybe you, me & AGPT can do that road trip around Australia together 😀
A bit like Billy Connelly & I am part Scottish Ok Aye’ ( not sure if that’s the spelling) .
Take care & continued happiness my friend 😘
Love PR xoxo
@Socio Sue,
Thank you & I appreciate your input & insite as well 😃
Namaste’
I do like those quotes. My female socio did not try to emasculate me. I fell into the sympathy rescuer trap. She would set up scenarios where she needed help (mainly financial). I would ride to the rescue. As a friend told me before I came out of the fog when we were discussing her “bad luck” – ” She opens the door a crack knowing that you will rush in to save to day. ” I did not believe it then, but I sure do now.
I caught her out in some big lies regarding those rescue scenarios and then the fog started lifting. Realized I needed to escape or she would bleed me dry financially. So that’s what I did. Not pleasant but necessary. It was really tough the first two months constantly flicking between the logic and the emotions but this site helped keep me on track.
Hiya AGPT 😄,
I am glad that yours didn’t emasculate you as they’re often wanting to do.
Still getting taken down financially is no fun either 😔
You know, it just goes to show the difference in us as I never asked or took money from my Soc who is loaded.
I value my independence, have my own home etc…& would never expect a man to support me. I have always worked & done voluntary work & raised a family.
My ex still hates the fact that I rose above his gambling debt’s & am still rising. I’m still poor but, i know my worth now in more ways than one!
I just asked Broken if he’s up for a road trip around Oz with us, watcha think of that idea?
We can dream & who know’s stranger things have happened we can attest to that!
Love & Light & a Sociopath free life.
PR xoxo
Wondering if my pain is affecting my reasoning ability…have stupid thoughts running through my head this morning…..I feel rejected by a reject………and that, as soon as I finally got away, he turned into a normal person and now some other gal is going to get this wonderful loving prince. HE was better than nothing….$$$ wise……….oh my god how stupid is that…I mean this will be HIS 5th divorce!!!!! Had another
nightmare last night …he was hiding in this big bush in the dark ….I walked by and he tried to kill me with a water sprinkler!!!!! I have the power to control my life, my thoughts, and my destiny so must just get up, get in the shower start my day as a new, free, safe, wonderful person……I just changed one of my passwords to “IMAGODDESS”
You like??????
Those thoughts are natural and common when first coming out of the fog. The longer you stay NC the easier it gets to keep the true vision of the socio in mind and not imagine they have reverted to the fantasy version they initially sold us. Stay strong Goddess!
You know,next time he attacks with the sprinkler, strangle him with the hose!
He’s never going to turn into a ‘normal’ person & that pretense won’t last long I can assure you of that!
Keep up the divine inner goddess work & believe in your awesomeness, we do 🙂
Make the nightmares into dreams, you will in time 🙂
You are not the only one who has these thoughts… I keep thinking/hoping that finally he’s gotten… kinda like Mary Poppins… he’s finally learned how to be a decent man… but as I just found out this evening… while he’s been playing nice to my face… knowing that we have this thing we have to do for memorial day… even though I’m gone from the house… he’s basically slandering me in our community in emails while he’s trying to find his next ‘victim’
I am also having the nightmares… often the same… he is only magnified.. as horrible as he can possibly be…. I awake crying my eyes out… feeling like such a fool for ever getting into this…for still loving him even after all he has put me through.
But we ARE FREE… we do NOT have to feel that fear… when we wake up… we are free safe wonderful women… and while we may have some healing to do… we are GODESSES!!
Yeah. We do that road trip on 1200cc Harleys. And we get matching leather vests with “S.H.E.E.P. Riding Club-Melbourne Chapter” stitched on the back. Haha or Baba. 🙂
I’m all for a riding chapter too!!! In a former life – Pre-Socio – I had my HD Tech Certification and worked for Harley for 5 years… didn’t wrench for a living except on the side.. but was the best dang warranty clerk ever!
@AGPT…..I fell into the rescuer trap as well. Sadly I don’t think I will help another person, like I did with him, again. Nobody knew that I helped him financially. I asked him if maybe he could ask a family member for help and he yelled at me. I did become bitter about helping him, I still am. The last year of our relationship, he didn’t even say thank you or anything when I gave him the money. He just expected it. He treated me like shit but still expected me to give him my money. I don’t completely blame him, I am partially to blame as well. I should never have said yes in the first place. I actually don’t think he understood that I was struggling as well and that when I gave him money, I usually went without. I once confronted him and asked him if he was using me for money (this played on my mind since the first time I handed over my money to him) and his response was “you are not rich and a millionaire, so why do you think I am using you? You are stupid and a pig. Now look what you did, you made me angry!” I felt so stupid. Turns out he most likely was. I was always a pig, stupid, a dog, made him angry and made his head spin. He was always nice as pie before he would ask me for money.
To this day it still haunts me and has bitten me on the backside a few times as well. I have no savings and last week I was eating nothing but noodles and tuna on crackers. I am actually looking at getting a second job so I can build up my savings and build up the money that I lost from him.
He ruined my trust and, in a way, kindness towards people and wanting to help them sometimes.
The things he said to you are atrocious. What a b*****d. The blaming of others for causing their bad behavior is classic cluster B. Yeah, see you made me become an evil, sick person with no motor control over my mouth. No! Not quite. He was that way before you met him. Nobody deserves that. I hope you have had a chance to look at the drjoecarver article on Emotional Memory Management. The information contained in it might help lessen the impact of the negative memories he helped create on your present day life and hopefully help you leave that jerk in the past.
I read somewhere that people find it easier to help somebody if they have already helped them in the past. That is why con-men often start off with having the victim do a small favor for them. I helped launch my socio into 3 businesses, each larger than the last, in which I was a large shareholder. These businesses often served as the platform for her financial ruses. While providing help, I always thought that with just a little more assistance she would get over the “hump” and finally be successful. I was financially and emotionally invested in helping her succeed. But all the while I had niggling doubts in the back of my mind about whether what she told me was true. Finally, I had an investigative agency check some things out. The answers they came back with proved the lies.
It was painful to find out. While I have had plenty of lousy business dealings over the years, never had I been betrayed by someone I considered in my circle of trust. I simply walked away. To this day she does not know the reasons why and, believe me, she was not ready to move on. I guess she wanted to stay as long as the well was still delivering oil.
Yes, I let her keep all the investment even though it was ill gotten. I realized I would never see that money again anyway and it would always keep me emotionally tethered to her. For my own mental health, I decided to treat it like any other investment that failed for operational reasons. I wrote it off in my own books (literally and mentally) and moved on. I don’t want folks who are not interested in my best interests close to me, even if they profess to love me or I them. It hurt but the pain has definitely lessened tremendously over the past months. As an added bonus, I got my emotional energy back to pay full attention to my own businesses which are doing well. Yin and Yang, I guess.
Ex Def, I admire that you are taking control of your own finances. Remember that with every mortgage payment you make on your new house you are building equity in it. That is a form of savings. Seek out and read books on personal financial planning. Suze Orman has many books with good advice for financial beginners. Like anything, it is easier to succeed if you have goals and the plan to reach those goals. If you want money you have to understand how money works. Good Luck!
I am really great & glad to hear you are also 🙂 🙂 🙂
I read this in our weekend newspaper & it’s from a psychologist giving advice to someone having trouble separating their heart from their head etc…re the relationship & I thought it very appropriate.
“This isn’t soulmate-ship.
It’s fix-my-need mateship.” by Toby Green.
Love & Light & continued happiness.
PR xoxo
P.S. I am going back to study 😉 thought if I can get the Soc’s diploma’s, I should get my own! 🙂
Psychology naturally 😉 😉
Awww PR! Now I am going to walk around with a smile on my face the rest of the day! Thanks.
@ AGPT…..thank you. I went through a lot of emotional abuse from him. Blaming a lot of his anger on me even though he gets himself involved in many physical fights and goes around bashing people up. But, you know, that is always someone else’s fault. When he started to call me names, I was shocked as nobody ever said anything like that to me. Over time, I became a bit immuned to it. It still hurt but I never broke down and cried like the first few times he called me those names. To him, it was only words. That’s what he would say to me “it is only words”. He never understood the scars that calling me those names left. It was before I knew what Spath’s were. Now I understood why he thought that way.
I like the way you think. I think that is the best way to look at it. An investment that failed. I hope to start thinking that way 🙂 Thank you!
I believe my aunt is dating/married to a sociopath. Last year around March, this man was going through a real rough time. He supposedly couldn’t get a hold of his money because it was put in a trust, and for some reason he couldn’t break the trust. My first thought was ‘what 57 year old man, can’t get into his trust fund?’ It was very strange. My aunt took him in and has been living with her ever since. He told us all that he had 2 million dollars in his trust, and that we could all have new cars and pay for college, ect. It was so believable, I cannot count the amount of times we went car shopping and how many trips to the bank we had to try and resolve the problem. He convinced my aunt to retire and now that a year has gone by she is almost out of her retirement money, and his “millions” have yet to be seen. It feels like he has torn the family apart. A place where we used to all go and have wonderful cookouts, is now like a miserable place. He starts little arguments between all of us about nothing, and nothing is ever his fault. My aunt isn’t realizing how much he is putting all of us through, she doesn’t even realize that she has been majorly depressed. It’s hard for my family to get through this. How can i get her to realize that he has been lying and conning her?
Will someone here advise me of a good PTSD support group….I feel so stuck….My doctor thinks this is a big factor in my difficulty managing pain. He says living under constant stress and danger for so many years has made physical damage. So think of this when you are hesitating to leave or not. He also thinks the physical abuse is way easier to recover from than the mental, emotional, psychological abuse is a lot harder to heal. I read Drjoecarver.com paper on emotional memory repair and that helped. My mind is stuck on if I can just talk
to the socio and tell him what he has done to me that I will feel better.
I know in my mind this would just invite more abuse but feel so torn and fighting not to contact him just wears me out….yesterday I actually fell asleep in a yoga pose and almost fell over twice. Last night I had another very bad dream where I was in a zombie apocalyse and he was trying to torture me with fire……I think these awful dreams interferr with deep sleep. I have an appointment with a counselor this friday at Human Options a place that addresses domestic violence. But right now friday seems a long way off. I am typing this with my left hand on fire from my torn rotator cuff….like it is asleep but burns very bad…..This happens every morning…maybe that is what brought on the burning with fire dream.
I agree, bruises can heal, but internal damage can damage your soul, your psyche and it can take a long time to work through this damage. There is a way through PTSD, but sadly it means going back and revisiting (in your thoughts) exactly what happened, and this can be tough to do.
Howdy! This article could not be written any better!
Reading through this post reminds me of my previous roommate!
He continually kept preaching about this. I will send this information to him.
Fairly certain he will have a good read. Thank you for sharing!
I am not even sure where to start… So many of these comments came out of my mouth just yesterday with my new counselor… I left my for the first time two years ago… that lasted a whole 11 days… he had been cheated on me with this skanky ho… it was awful… and he always makes sure that I find the messages but then gets horribly angry cause I saw it on his phone when I was told to get a phone number for him.. or look for an address… always my fault that I get hurt. But we got better… and I got the nice him for a while… then his also bipolar/dissociative son moved in with us…
For a while we were a happy family… then the ex wife got jealous and started digging at the kid… the kid stopped taking his meds… and he started getting restless… of course there’s more to it…
But we up and moved back to our home state… at one point… I was told that I shouldn’t move home… that I wasn’t needed… except that he had pretty much forced me to give him all of my 401K money which meant I had to quit my job to get it… and he borrowed money from my mom…
But once I got here..things got better again.. till his kid had an episode and ran away and ended up in the hospital and then back with his mother… and after that.. it finally started to devolve into what I can now see as abusive/sociopathic behavior…
the details of what finally made me snap in February… probably don’t matter… as it seems we have all been through such similar heart breaking situations… but the night I knew I had to leave… I had had a very long day… but was cooking dinner anyway… and he was nitpicking me anyway and every time he said anything to me, it wasn’t my name or nickname.. but a33hole… and I was just in tears… he says.. “what? that bothers you? well I’m just gonna say it more then.. a33hol3, a33hole a33hole…” I just stood there and cried… I knew it was just never going to get any better. And it got even worse that night and he was losing control. Before we came home… I had been trying to allow him some time and peace to come to grips with things… and the last few months, I had finally started standing up for myself.. not letting him talk down to me, not calling me names, not letting him complain about everything… and I had become a bitch… and miserable and a stick in the mud… and whatever else he could come up with. .. He didn’t actually hit me, but pinned me to the wall, pulled my hair, threw me on the bed, and screamed at me that he loved me and should be nice to him. when I just cowered in the corner and begged him to just leave me alone, he’d stop and say he wasn’t trying to hurt me. He just wanted me to be happy. and to love him.
And since I’ve left… he’s wonderful… except for the emails I keep “accidentally” finding in our shared email… the ones where he’s trying to hook up and telling ex dates or new prospects or whatever they are… that I AM the SOCIOPATH! We have a function we have to be at together at the end of the month…I had almost gotten to where I almost believed the “good” him… I was falling for it all over AGAIN!!! I just feel sooooo stupid….
And I am just soo lost…. I’ve worked for the last five years… I gave up my dog, all MY friends, except the two that came to move me out, all my hobbies, everything that defined me… all the things that supposedly he fell in love with… I don’t even know where to start… I don’t know who I am anymore… there is nothing I do that is not touched my memories of him… and not always bad memories. Sometimes I think it would be easier if it was all bad memories… except, then it makes the fact that I stayed for so long seem even more stupid.
I’m sorry I think I am rambling… my head is just swimming still… I feel like there is just a hurricane of pain and emotions and fear and loss and it just won’t stop. I don’t sleep, much, I eat and my stomach hurts…
Anybody in Australia just watch the interview on 60 minutes with Jordan Belfort?? This guy screams textbook Sociopath. He is now a motivational speaker. I will never go and see him and support his Sociopathic life.
hi
I finally broke up with my Soc. of 5 years 3 days ago. I read this site last year and it has till taken me a year. I had to finally expose him. Every other time he would just come back and I would take him back, as it was always my fault……And even though I knew it wasn’t he put up such a great argument I had no recourse? And ended up saying sorry.
he is a serial cheater and has a new relationship that has been going on for a year……..The part that really alerted me and allowed me to see through him was that a year ago, he took on a boy from the neighborhood who had a bad situation. He took on the Father role….I thought this was genuinely kind, and I loved him for it.
His new girlfriend has 2 teenage boys…….He just mirrored her! Look what a great Dad to a teenage boy I can be…….I know he is seriously going after her as his new source.
When this penny dropped, it chilled me to the bone…..This and the fact that he gives his new very successful girlfriend my designer clothes.
I am very grateful to be out of it finally, but now the free fall and healing has to begin. I am struggling to work and I have a huge deadline.
I have blocked his calls, text and emails……I am moving work out of my home and into an office so I am not here during the day.
I am shaky when leaving the house. He lives a few blocks away.
His new girlfriend knows where I live, which is a worry.
I know I will heal and rebound beautifully, but there is a lot of distance between here and there. 20 years ago I had my first Soc. in my life. I was too young to even know that that is what he was. he almost destroyed me, but he didn’t……..And this bast*** won’t either.
I do feel sorry for him, he will never feel what I feel.
@AGPT me too!! I haven’t felt anxious for a few days now. How good does it feel!!! Actually, I had breakfast with my boss yesterday and he told me some confidential information. He has been seeing a therapist as he was in the Army and has a lot of mental issues. Last year he was a complete asshole, to put it nicely, and I have seen a HUGE change in him since he started to see a therapist. The nice guy is coming out and he has also been generous to me with giving me a $500 bonus for my holiday to Bali and also paid for my building inspection for my house and he overpaid me last month and told me not to worry about paying it back. Well, to cut a long story short, I work with a lady who, I think, is a Sociopath, I also think her husband is as well. We work with them both. When they returned from holidays my boss told them about how he wasn’t impressed that a lot of money is not being generated and that was mainly their fault. The husband let it rip. I felt really sorry for my boss. This was in front of everybody in the office. My boss 6 months ago would have yelled back, this time he didn’t. He listened and asked if they could finish the conversation in his office. The man didn’t. They had a meeting later on in the day and apparently things had been sorted. Wellll yesterday my boss revealed to me that he is going to be getting rid of them before they go on their holiday to the UK in July. Thank god he has seen want they are truly like. He has always defended these people and they are real bullies. Nobody who we deal with like them, quite a few clients don’t want to deal with them, we have lost business opportunities because of them. Like I said to him, something needs to be done as we can’t keep going like this and that he doesn’t need the extra stress in his life. The company has no money and my boss is always stressed. I was doing a happy dance in my head when he was telling me this. He did warn me that there will be blood on the floor but it needs to be done. I will have to bring my popcorn on that day, it is going to be interesting as this husband and wife yell at people so disgustingly that I hate being in the room when they are yelling at people. I truly have never seen anybody go off at people like they do.
PR, you would be really good at psychology. Your kind words make a huge difference on here. I know, with myself, you have helped me so much.
Thankyou Ex & if I’ve helped you in any way, it’s my honour 😃
Please take care & remember to not ‘give’ too much of yourself, even to your boss, cover your own back.
Remember Soc’s/Narcs etc…are everywhere but, as long as you stay in your own power, healthy boundaries, self awareness etc…you will protect yourself. You are an Empath & it can work against you if your ‘too open’ & relate too mych to your bosses plight.
Just watch yourself, & listen to your gut & if the others go, be mindful of who your friends are. There is never any friends in business so, take heed.
I don’t even have the energy to write this, but I’m going to attempt it. I’m drained, exhausted, used up (to what I feel) beyond repair. And I’m ashamed of myself – 3 years away from 50 and I should have known better and listened to my gut. I saw the warning signs. I had left before. I wanted what I wanted, and I fooled myself into believing I would have it all, that he could change.
I met, and fell in love with a narcissistic sociopath. I was introduced to him by a mutual friend and, since they knew each other +30-years, I thought I was safe. He should have come with a warning label.
We started out as friends, sharing our relationship experiences albeit his past was much more interesting than mine: Being married to an openly bisexual woman, their “swinger” escapades, and bringing another woman in the picture to live with them for a year before both women left for a year (telling him to choose he told me). He remained friends with the “ex-wife”, and chose the other woman who, as told by him, left 5-6 times during their 10-yrs together to run into the arms of other men. I took pity on this man. He seemed so kind, caring, and compassionate.
Although he looked like a shell of who he once might have been, I saw the potential. We had similar views (I’m a monogamous heterosexual woman, previously married with one child). He was a very attractive man masquerading as a nerd. He was quiet, reserved, yet liberal in his views. He had what I thought was an amazing job, a home, and a car (later learning he’s a contract worker, rented a dilapidated home, and didn’t have a license so his car and insurance was in his “ex” wife’s name).
The “ex” wife was always around. He maintained they were friends, that although they were no longer close he thought of her as a sister (although where I’m from you don’t have children with a sister). I had bad experiences with ex-wives, and thought this was refreshing, so I didn’t mind she being invited for bbq’s with the kids (until she started showing up uninvited when we took them to dinner, only to sit down, order, then look at him and smile when the bill came). What I DID mind was the “remember when” looks she would give him, or go down memory lane with their threesome in front of me which I found very disrespectful. I left the first time b/c he wouldn’t stand up for my feelings. I also left b/c he was still travelling 2-hrs to visit his other ex where they would get their hair done together. So not cool and inappropriate but again, I questioned myself – was I being too rigid in my thinking. So I tried to be accepting b/c he was kind to me (mostly) and told me he had fallen in love with me. He was romancing me! He was flirtatious, funny, engaging, and he started to change his appearance, slowly. We ended up looking like Barbie and Ken together, and I loved it!
He eventually put a stop to the uninvited ex visits, and stopped going to get his hair done (I started cutting it) although he originally said that what he did on his own time was of no concern to me. He said he wasn’t physically attracted to either of them, but they had history and were friends. I didn’t like it, but accepted it although his visits did stop (and I do trust that nothing ever happened with them again unless I was THAT gullible) I did everything for him. I ended up being a weekend maid with benefits; straightening up the house, folding his laundry, cutting his hair, and being open to different sexual preferences he had, although I had reservations. I didn’t know what it was, but he became a drug. He would rarely speak, focussed on his online games totally ignoring me, but the moment he would take my hand in his, I would melt. Now, I’m not an unattractive woman. I had been a model years before. I was educated, articulate, well-groomed. I came from an upper middle class family, and I had my own accomplishments, a full time job, and my own interests…but I lost myself. I should have realized something was up when his “ex” wife came over for a bbq (this time she was invited) and told me she had told him not to hurt me!!!! WTF!!!!
He only communicated when it was about HIS life, HIS interests, HIS plans (which he didn’t have many). Any time we spent together, not realizing it at the time, was always where he wanted to go, what he wanted to do, watch, eat, or shop. He ever asked my opinion, he never remembered important things I would tell him and, being a bit narcissistic myself, I grew tired of the lack of attention, interest, or enthusiasm, but I was labelled the spoiled princess drama queen.
The second time I left, I had been ready for more than just weekends, and wanted to be more important in his life. He said he liked his life the way it was. For 3-months I had no contact. I started to go out again with friends, talk on the phone, have my own interests (funny how when with a sociopath, you completely lose your own identity). I even started dating a fabulous man who won the hearts of my close friends, who had never understood what I saw in Mr. X. A year ago (this weekend) Mr. Fabulous and I were out where Mr. X showed up. That weekend he text me that he had flubbed up, he was an ass, he was wrong, and he knew he had lost the best thing. He showered me with the words I wanted to hear (except a real apology), and begged me to take him back. He said he knew he needed therapy, that he didn’t want to be alone, that I was “the one”.
“You won’t be satisfied with just living together. I think we should get married”
I lapped it up. I ended things immediately with Mr. Fabulous, and Mr. X and I started to make our plans, although I was really the only one planning. Since we were blending 2 homes under the verbal agreement we would not stay in his home for long, I gave everything away. Everything but my bedroom set. I moved in, and started to make his environment, our home. I was so happy, yet had reservations given the little warning signs going off (double standards with his son and my own), and having to invite the ex-wife to our wedding b/c they were friends…but I went along with it. After all, he was going to couples therapy with me although he rarely spoke, and when he did, he always somehow managed to manipulate the session to be MY fault for things going wrong.
I resented his hoarding as I’m very organized and tidy. He kept garbage bags of his 2nd ex’s clothes for 3-years and when I suggested he give them to a charity, he turned around and yelled at me asking how I would like it if someone gave my clothes away. Um….my clothes are hung up in a closet, and I wear them…..if she didn’t want them for 3+ years, why hold on to them? Why hold on to the sex toys in a box in the basement. Why hold on to the cat litter pan from a cat that had been gone for years? Why keep old boxes in the basement where there was only a path made from the garbage down there??? I didn’t understand it but again, it was always my issue, my problem, my drama.
Well, he ended up being too cheap to file for divorce (he was very cheap with every aspect of life and although he paid the rental bill, I paid for our evenings out, contributed with the groceries, etc). So our wedding ended up being a commitment ceremony. My family had warned me about him after the 2 times I had left, the non-stop complaints I had, but I didn’t listen and I couldn’t tell anyone.
Within the month after the ceremony, he would no longer go to therapy, despite mounting problems: he continued to financially support the ex even though their 2-children were adults. As the months drew into this past winter, I started to sink lower. I lost motivation not wanting to cook, clean, or do laundry for someone who couldn’t even compliment me, or think about my feelings. Come to think of it, he has never said “I love you” this year (as of May 13th 2014).
He started further shutting down with my daily presence in the home. He wouldn’t even acknowledge me when he came home from work. He would ask me to “take it in the other room” if I came home with parcels, looking thru them in the same room he was sitting in. He didn’t like the noise. He didn’t want to go out anywhere, or do anything. When he did go out, he would hold my hand, and not say a word to anyone anymore. His friend told me he suffered seasonal affective disorder and shut down during winter. After +3years together I knew this, but didn’t know the extent. So I took him to the tropics for a week in January where he woke ME up at 4:00AM to yell at me that he couldn’t sleep. Then he completely ignored me for almost 48 hours, but then acted like nothing had happened. While he would be lying in bed in our hotel room, I would tiptoe around him to try and get ready to go out and eat, and spent my evenings on the balcony with my book soas not to upset or disturb him. This was my holiday too!
When we got back, I got very ill and ended up in and out of the hospital. He never asked me how I was feeling, and in fact asked me to sleep in the other room. I drove myself to the hospital or had my geriatric mother take me. I couldn’t eat, and ended up skin and bones although for some strange reason in anger he called me a fat flat-assed deadbeat. When I started feeling better, I decided to go on strike. I stopped cleaning the house (he’s a hoarder), stopped making dinners, and stopped doing his laundry which ended up all over our living room in piles where he would come down from a shower to pick out a pair of underwear.
By March of this year, I begged him to go back to therapy with me but he declined saying he was done with the loop – the only one going round in the same circles was him! He suggested I move to be with my son who needed me, and he would focus on his son who needed him. Why we couldn’t do this together, I’ll never understand, and I took great insult to his suggestion, but I thought perhaps that could work. When I thought more about it, I realized he would be getting exactly what he wanted again – a weekend maid with benefits but I agreed, and it’s amazing how his happy go lucky verve came back. I knew in my heart that once I left, it would be for good. I know myself worth…enough said. But I kept quiet, and continued to act as his wife. His sexual interests were getting stranger, and he was requesting things of me that I had no interest in, but for some things, I played along for the experience. Other’s insulted my very being, and I dodged those requests.
The same month, I also found bills from his 2nd ex that he was still paying although she had been married the previous year. I also learned he was paying for his “ex” wife’s legal feels (real winner she was getting into trouble and he always bailing her out). He would get angry at me for needing things myself, not taking into consideration I was self sufficient, contributed, and paid my own ex husband child support. Then I found out he was not only paying for her lawyer, but attending court with her for emotional support while leaving me on my own in the emergency room on morphine! That was all I needed to convince me this was the end.
Leading up to my move, I repeatedly tried to talk to him and tell him that I couldn’t be a weekend wife or a bed buddy. He would get coy, smile and tell me that I would, and I would love it. I would just shake my head and not let him see how hurt I was. After all, by this time, I knew he wasn’t human. He had no regard for my emotions, thoughts, feelings, or needs. It was all about him.
I left 2-weeks ago. He helped me move, and it was good. I even returned that weekend so we could go to dinner, but I reiterated I would not be a weekend bed buddy. The next day, he wouldn’t respond to my texts, and the day after that he deleted me from virtual existence. I had left boxes of memories, and some other items he told me not to worry about, but when I tried to contact him to tell him I would like them I would get no response. Last weekend I text him to tell him I was coming over. When I arrived, he had changed the locks! The car wasn’t parked in the garage, but I had a key so I went in. He was sitting at his computer. I got my mail, and wanted to have a chat, but I was met with verbal abuse, calling me every name in the book and telling me to get out. He’s since deleted his friend of +30 years as well for no apparent reason.
I am dumb-founded. I gave my heart and soul to this man. I did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted only to end up being treated worse than a stray dog. I’ve been discarded like trash and I don’t even have the words. I tried to be non-judgemental. I held my tongue on most things and smiled. I’m very thankful for this site. I’ve been reading allot. I know my questions will never be answered, but I still have them and, although I know I made the very best decision for me, I will always love him, even though he never deserved my love. But my God does this hurt. I can barely eat, or sleep. I can’t focus. I’m still trying to be present at my job, be a mother to my son, and not let people know how I feel, but I don’t know how much longer I can maintain this charade. I am humiliated, embarrassed, and feel worthless, and discarded.
I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get to your comment LA, I will try to get back to comments to respond, and i hope others will also. Thank you for sharing your story.
Sweetie – I ache for you. You story so mirrors my own situation. and I am so sorry for. I have lost every ounce of what made me me… I gave everything I had trying to make our relationship work… knowing that no matter how good I did there would always be a complaint, no matter how good I looked it was never good enough. If I talked, he wanted me to be quiet, If I was quiet, I didn’t talk enough… as I sank farther and farther into myself.. then it was me.. I wasn’t happy so he couldn’t be happy and then it all became my fault. And yet, even now.. as I stay up night after night, chugging zquil and antidepressants and crying and begging my brain to please go to sleep, I miss him so much… and part of me feels like I could just give up what little self respect I have left and just go back… give up the few friends I have left and give in. When he’s good he is wonderful and charming and loving. When he’s not, he is very, very scary. And maybe he would just kill and get it over with. Yeah, I know that’s crazy… and thank goodness, I don’t have children to have to protect. I don’t eat… If I get 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night… that’s a lot… I am totally lost. I have no idea why I even trying except that I have to… and I know that this has got to get better.
I do have an amazing counselor. She is helping a lot. So if you can, find someone you can talk to. And stay on here… this board is great.
I wish you the very best.
Raven
Hi LA Conf 🙂
As usual, a lot of similarities always pop up when reading others stories although we never married etc…10 years of being gamed took it’s toll.
Still, I am living proof that you will be okay once you get totally clear of the emotional ties that can only come via No Contact.
My Soc likes to keep all his women albeit me, in his collection so, that is why they don’t actually fully discard & will ‘stay in touch’.
Any contact for them is good even if it’s negative for you as they hate letting you go & get on with your life.
My Soc keeps all his women & finally divorced his wife after 35 years but, separated for 10????
The latest OW set me free thank goodness or I’d still be in his collection, it’s a long story & I am well clear of it all now 🙂 🙂
I’m 12 months plus over the whole shebang of discovering his wicked duplicitous life etc…& had the same epic journey into his seedy abyss but, I survived & so will you 🙂
Just stay here & share & support & learn & read as much as you can about the game. After all that’s all it is to them sadly but, you are better than that & you will go on & prove that to yourself.
Love & Light, you are not alone 🙂
PR xoxo
Thank you. I’m up and down with my emotions. He is clinically ill. I know this. He is a sociopath! When he’s “there”, he’s romantic, caring, compassionate, and a wonderful person. He changes in a heartbeat. Cold, emotionally abusive, isolating. We would sit in the living room and he would say nothing to me, as if I weren’t there. I was just there for his amusement when he wanted me. I’m glad to be free, but I’m so hurt. This weekend is the 1-yr anniversary that he came crawling back full of empty promises. I’m having a real hard time with this. We have mutual friends. He seems “normal” while me, the one being ripped apart inside, trying to hold it together. I feel like I’m the one who looks like the psycho, when I know I did nothing but love him, make excuses for him, compromise for him….but he’s already out as if nothing were wrong. He even has his f/b status listed as “married” still, yet he deleted me from existence when I left and said I wouldn’t be a weekend wife. Never have I thought this could happen. Thank you for all your word of support. I take solace in them, and in this site.
I don’t even have the energy to write this, but I’m going to attempt it. I’m drained, exhausted, used up (to what I feel) beyond repair. And I’m ashamed of myself – 3 years away from 50 and I should have known better and listened to my gut. I saw the warning signs. I had left before. I wanted what I wanted, and I fooled myself into believing I would have it all, that he could change.
I met, and fell in love with a narcissistic sociopath. I was introduced to him by a mutual friend and, since they knew each other +30-years, I thought I was safe. He should have come with a warning label.
We started out as friends, sharing our relationship experiences albeit his past was much more interesting than mine: Being married to an openly bisexual woman, their “swinger” escapades, and bringing another woman in the picture to live with them for a year before both women left for a year (telling him to choose he told me). He remained friends with the “ex-wife”, and chose the other woman who, as told by him, left 5-6 times during their 10-yrs together to run into the arms of other men. I took pity on this man. He seemed so kind, caring, and compassionate.
Although he looked like a shell of who he once might have been, I saw the potential. We had similar views (I’m a monogamous heterosexual woman, previously married with one child). He was a very attractive man masquerading as a nerd. He was quiet, reserved, yet liberal in his views. He had what I thought was an amazing job, a home, and a car (later learning he’s a contract worker, rented a dilapidated home, and didn’t have a license so his car and insurance was in his “ex” wife’s name).
The “ex” wife was always around. He maintained they were friends, that although they were no longer close he thought of her as a sister (although where I’m from you don’t have children with a sister). I had bad experiences with ex-wives, and thought this was refreshing, so I didn’t mind she being invited for bbq’s with the kids (until she started showing up uninvited when we took them to dinner, only to sit down, order, then look at him and smile when the bill came). What I DID mind was the “remember when” looks she would give him, or go down memory lane with their threesome in front of me which I found very disrespectful. I left the first time b/c he wouldn’t stand up for my feelings. I also left b/c he was still travelling 2-hrs to visit his other ex where they would get their hair done together. So not cool and inappropriate but again, I questioned myself – was I being too rigid in my thinking. So I tried to be accepting b/c he was kind to me (mostly) and told me he had fallen in love with me. He was romancing me! He was flirtatious, funny, engaging, and he started to change his appearance, slowly. We ended up looking like Barbie and Ken together, and I loved it!
He eventually put a stop to the uninvited ex visits, and stopped going to get his hair done (I started cutting it) although he originally said that what he did on his own time was of no concern to me. He said he wasn’t physically attracted to either of them, but they had history and were friends. I didn’t like it, but accepted it although his visits did stop (and I do trust that nothing ever happened with them again unless I was THAT gullible) I did everything for him. I ended up being a weekend maid with benefits; straightening up the house, folding his laundry, cutting his hair, and being open to different sexual preferences he had, although I had reservations. I didn’t know what it was, but he became a drug. He would rarely speak, focussed on his online games totally ignoring me, but the moment he would take my hand in his, I would melt. Now, I’m not an unattractive woman. I had been a model years before. I was educated, articulate, well-groomed. I came from an upper middle class family, and I had my own accomplishments, a full time job, and my own interests…but I lost myself. I should have realized something was up when his “ex” wife came over for a bbq (this time she was invited) and told me she had told him not to hurt me!!!! WTF!!!!
He only communicated when it was about HIS life, HIS interests, HIS plans (which he didn’t have many). Any time we spent together, not realizing it at the time, was always where he wanted to go, what he wanted to do, watch, eat, or shop. He ever asked my opinion, he never remembered important things I would tell him and, being a bit narcissistic myself, I grew tired of the lack of attention, interest, or enthusiasm, but I was labelled the spoiled princess drama queen.
The second time I left, I had been ready for more than just weekends, and wanted to be more important in his life. He said he liked his life the way it was. For 3-months I had no contact. I started to go out again with friends, talk on the phone, have my own interests (funny how when with a sociopath, you completely lose your own identity). I even started dating a fabulous man who won the hearts of my close friends, who had never understood what I saw in Mr. X. A year ago (this weekend) Mr. Fabulous and I were out where Mr. X showed up. That weekend he text me that he had flubbed up, he was an ass, he was wrong, and he knew he had lost the best thing. He showered me with the words I wanted to hear (except a real apology), and begged me to take him back. He said he knew he needed therapy, that he didn’t want to be alone, that I was “the one”.
“You won’t be satisfied with just living together. I think we should get married”
I lapped it up. I ended things immediately with Mr. Fabulous, and Mr. X and I started to make our plans, although I was really the only one planning. Since we were blending 2 homes under the verbal agreement we would not stay in his home for long, I gave everything away. Everything but my bedroom set. I moved in, and started to make his environment, our home. I was so happy, yet had reservations given the little warning signs going off (double standards with his son and my own), and having to invite the ex-wife to our wedding b/c they were friends…but I went along with it. After all, he was going to couples therapy with me although he rarely spoke, and when he did, he always somehow managed to manipulate the session to be MY fault for things going wrong.
I resented his hoarding as I’m very organized and tidy. He kept garbage bags of his 2nd ex’s clothes for 3-years and when I suggested he give them to a charity, he turned around and yelled at me asking how I would like it if someone gave my clothes away. Um….my clothes are hung up in a closet, and I wear them…..if she didn’t want them for 3+ years, why hold on to them? Why hold on to the sex toys in a box in the basement. Why hold on to the cat litter pan from a cat that had been gone for years? Why keep old boxes in the basement where there was only a path made from the garbage down there??? I didn’t understand it but again, it was always my issue, my problem, my drama.
Well, he ended up being too cheap to file for divorce (he was very cheap with every aspect of life and although he paid the rental bill, I paid for our evenings out, contributed with the groceries, etc). So our wedding ended up being a commitment ceremony. My family had warned me about him after the 2 times I had left, the non-stop complaints I had, but I didn’t listen and I couldn’t tell anyone.
Within the month after the ceremony, he would no longer go to therapy, despite mounting problems: he continued to financially support the ex even though their 2-children were adults. As the months drew into this past winter, I started to sink lower. I lost motivation not wanting to cook, clean, or do laundry for someone who couldn’t even compliment me, or think about my feelings. Come to think of it, he has never said “I love you” this year (as of May 13th 2014).
He started further shutting down with my daily presence in the home. He wouldn’t even acknowledge me when he came home from work. He would ask me to “take it in the other room” if I came home with parcels, looking thru them in the same room he was sitting in. He didn’t like the noise. He didn’t want to go out anywhere, or do anything. When he did go out, he would hold my hand, and not say a word to anyone anymore. His friend told me he suffered seasonal affective disorder and shut down during winter. After +3years together I knew this, but didn’t know the extent. So I took him to the tropics for a week in January where he woke ME up at 4:00AM to yell at me that he couldn’t sleep. Then he completely ignored me for almost 48 hours, but then acted like nothing had happened. While he would be lying in bed in our hotel room, I would tiptoe around him to try and get ready to go out and eat, and spent my evenings on the balcony with my book soas not to upset or disturb him. This was my holiday too!
When we got back, I got very ill and ended up in and out of the hospital. He never asked me how I was feeling, and in fact asked me to sleep in the other room. I drove myself to the hospital or had my geriatric mother take me. I couldn’t eat, and ended up skin and bones although for some strange reason in anger he called me a fat flat-assed deadbeat. When I started feeling better, I decided to go on strike. I stopped cleaning the house (he’s a hoarder), stopped making dinners, and stopped doing his laundry which ended up all over our living room in piles where he would come down from a shower to pick out a pair of underwear.
By March of this year, I begged him to go back to therapy with me but he declined saying he was done with the loop – the only one going round in the same circles was him! He suggested I move to be with my son who needed me, and he would focus on his son who needed him. Why we couldn’t do this together, I’ll never understand, and I took great insult to his suggestion, but I thought perhaps that could work. When I thought more about it, I realized he would be getting exactly what he wanted again – a weekend maid with benefits but I agreed, and it’s amazing how his happy go lucky verve came back. I knew in my heart that once I left, it would be for good. I know myself worth…enough said. But I kept quiet, and continued to act as his wife. His sexual interests were getting stranger, and he was requesting things of me that I had no interest in, but for some things, I played along for the experience. Other’s insulted my very being, and I dodged those requests.
The same month, I also found bills from his 2nd ex that he was still paying although she had been married the previous year. I also learned he was paying for his “ex” wife’s legal feels (real winner she was getting into trouble and he always bailing her out). He would get angry at me for needing things myself, not taking into consideration I was self sufficient, contributed, and paid my own ex husband child support. Then I found out he was not only paying for her lawyer, but attending court with her for emotional support while leaving me on my own in the emergency room on morphine! That was all I needed to convince me this was the end.
Leading up to my move, I repeatedly tried to talk to him and tell him that I couldn’t be a weekend wife or a bed buddy. He would get coy, smile and tell me that I would, and I would love it. I would just shake my head and not let him see how hurt I was. After all, by this time, I knew he wasn’t human. He had no regard for my emotions, thoughts, feelings, or needs. It was all about him.
I left 2-weeks ago. He helped me move, and it was good. I even returned that weekend so we could go to dinner, but I reiterated I would not be a weekend bed buddy. The next day, he wouldn’t respond to my texts, and the day after that he deleted me from virtual existence. I had left boxes of memories, and some other items he told me not to worry about, but when I tried to contact him to tell him I would like them I would get no response. Last weekend I text him to tell him I was coming over. When I arrived, he had changed the locks! The car wasn’t parked in the garage, but I had a key so I went in. He was sitting at his computer. I got my mail, and wanted to have a chat, but I was met with verbal abuse, calling me every name in the book and telling me to get out. He’s since deleted his friend of +30 years as well for no apparent reason.
I am dumb-founded. I gave my heart and soul to this man. I did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted only to end up being treated worse than a stray dog. I’ve been discarded like trash and I don’t even have the words. I tried to be non-judgemental. I held my tongue on most things and smiled. I’m very thankful for this site. I’ve been reading allot. I know my questions will never be answered, but I still have them and, although I know I made the very best decision for me, I will always love him, even though he never deserved my love. But my God does this hurt. I can barely eat, or sleep. I can’t focus. I’m still trying to be present at my job, be a mother to my son, and not let people know how I feel, but I don’t know how much longer I can maintain this charade. I am humiliated, embarrassed, and feel worthless, and discarded.
That is great to hear that you are going back to school. I am really happy to hear that. I don’t know, you may have to soon change your name to Phoenix Risen. Best of luck, although I’m sure your success will come from your skill and caring rather than luck . AGPT
I don’t know where my studies will eventually lead but, I am willing to be open to whatever. I have a curious mind so, I like a challenge. Doing my Soc’s diploma gave me the confidence & knowledge so, from that I took the lesson that, I can do this 😃
This site gave me great faith that there are truly wonderful people out there & not just parasites. Once you get ‘clear’ of the trauma, the gift of ones self is the reward.
If you ever get down here to Melbourne, let me know & we’ll toast our freedom. That goes to anyone here reading this?
I have a good quote & I will post it tomorrow re empathy.
Just take care & be happy AGPT, nothing can stop us now, we overcame a devil so, nothing to fear anymore 😃
Love does conquer all & we are loved by many 😃
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
well here I am again back in the same place as a few months ago…it seems to cycle and intensify when I am in pain or fear….like he wasn’t so bad and if I can say just the right words at the right time he will hear me….his ex who I like a lot …told me just call him maybe he will be in a good place and be nice to you…..are you shitting me? she knows nothing about how socio mind works…….also my mind tells me since I left most of the whole household and furniture to him ..that I deserve to get back some of the items I accidently left there when I have to move quickly out to escape his wrath…..BUT then I remember…assess, seduce and ruin and know in my heart that he would love to know how I am hurt physically and am living at 40% less than the poverty line in income. SO I still keep NO CONTACT and do something nice and fun for myself and I realize that my best revenge is to have a great life and I changed one of my passwords to imagoddess…..read the stories here, go out with friends….laugh and be silly and we will be triumphant….I love myself and that is something he cannot do …but only hurt people…this will be his 5th divorce. What a lying loser
The light get’s dimmed but, never extinguished & it is up to us to reignite that light 🙂
Remember my Soc was a Fireman & even he couldn’t put out my fire!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Ive been married to a sociopath(recently discovered that he is) for 7 years. My marriage has been up and down. I was always the reason why he cheated, it was always my fault. He was the victim and I the problem. When a sociopath “loves you” you feel like your flying but when they discard you you feel like your whole world is falling apart. You question yourself?? Was I really what he said I was?? Maybe if i tried harder, been what he wanted he would still love me. After 7 years of being cheated on blatantly i finally found the strenght to let go. Hes moved onto the next and “sooooo happy”. But ive been seeing a psycologist and have gained strenght and together my kid and i will move on and be ok… I have faith:-)
You did nothing wrong, it was never about you as it is always about them. To them it’s just a game & I am glad you are free.
He will never be ‘happy’ it’s just a pretence & rest assured, the new lady will eventually be you!
I think of them as leeches, think of yours like one too. They suck you until they are fat & swollen & then fall off until they need another willing source of supply!
Thank goodness you are able to rebuild knowing you are no longer his supplier 😉
Be happy & have a wonderful life 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Please stay strong. The first couple of months are the toughest. At that point, It is hard to reconcile your still remaining feelings of love with their actions that caused you to leave. Logically, you know their actions don’t display love but you still miss them. You know you are better off without them but your heart still aches for them. This is natural.
Full no contact will give you the time and distance to come back to your center and regain your psychic energy. I did not realize just how drained I was until a few months out. I know it is hard but you have to do away with all links to the soc, including shared email accounts. Contact in any form just rips the cover off the wounds and prevents healing. In the beginning, your mind will focus on them but gradually the thoughts will be easier to turn towards other things.
If religious or spiritual at all ,ask for grace and strength from your higher power. I am not highly religious but using some prayer beads and asking god for strength, courage and protection for 50 times in a row often helped me in those early days. This site can also serve as a source of strength.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you during this trying time. Again, please stay strong and try to remember “that this too shall pass”. Lots of love. AGPT
AGPT – You’ve been my strength today… you and POS – And yes, I have to believe that God has a higher purpose for me, cause honestly, there have been several points I have been ready to just give up… I couldn’t ever just kill myself out right – but I have wished he would just take me… cause it just hurts… I mean – why are we the ones auffering so badly… he’s out partying already, he’s already got his new victim – of course to OUR friends – I hear how he misses me so much, and how he loved me so much – yeah right! I can’t even talk to anyone but my mom and my therapist an my best friends on the phone or in person… I have to text or email everyone else or I start leaking. I’m pathetic.
But dang I’m not staying this way. Somehow, I’m getting better. I think maybe POS was on to something morning… with the PTSD thing… I thought I had his number blocked… but he called today and I had my Bluetooth on and answered and it was him…apparently when my phone updated, it took off the block…I did ok on the phone… even if I was a little short… but as soon as I hung up on him – something I NEVER did before. I think that is one of the worst things someone can do to a person – I started shaking and I didn’t cry at first… but I got all manic – completely ignoring the whole phone call going on like it didn’t happen… finished what I was doing and then just told my friend what he wanted. We went and ran an errand then went to dinner – then some stupid song came on while we were waiting for our food and I just burst into tears.
Anyway… we’ll see what my counselor thinks….
I’m so tired of the roller coaster… ugh.
But thank you so much for showing me that there is hope. I love you all for being here. I can only hope that some day I can return the favor.
You know you give me hope also. You demonstrate the power of the human spirit. The power to continue on in the face of adversity. Yes even forcing yourself out of bed when you’d rather just curl up into a ball is a demonstration of courage in the face of adversity. You get to the top of a mountain not by jumping but through one step at a time. Just keep taking those steps one day at a time. When you feel you can’t take anymore ask God for strength and take another step.
On a different note. Avast has a free antivirus program for smartphones that comes with a very good and customizable call blocker, can even block all unknown numbers. The main app keeps my phone virus free and the call blocker keeps my life virus free. 🙂
Stay strong Raven! Sending lots of love your way. AGPT
AGPT… that’s really powerful coming from you… I can tell you how many times I have broken down, just today… I want to be all better… now!!! I feel so very hurt and angry and all those things… then I feel like I’m starting almost all over again… almost ready to scrap it all… but since I’ve found ya’ll, I feel more and more angry and I really do understand more. So thank you for your constant support and love and advice. Thank you so much!!!!
*hugs and love *
Raven*
I had no romance related stories regarding sociopaths to share, but do have 2 “friendships” examples to share. The first one had driven such a deep wedge into my psyche that I became much more vigilant in the second (and forever more), even though externally I have not yet revamped the demeanor and actions that kept attracting these pile of **** to me so an initial bond still formed.
This man was smart, he utilized a “normal” female friend of his as his trap. This woman was outwardly “kind” and “caring”, felt like an empathetic person, but kept speaking on his behalf, explaining away his bad actions, vouching for his character and bringing new victims to him (or otherwise introduce him to new feeding grounds). God I hate her. So much. Without her, I’m sure, less people would have fallen for his ruse.
This man began the “relationship” by being vouched for by that horrible woman (it was a project to be worked on by a team), and soon he started the seducing crap that many of the posters here have described. Lots of attention in the form of phone calls, mirroring in the form of regurgitating what you said to him some time later and (ostensibly) copying your values and attitude. He heaps flattery after flattery on me in private even though in public he could not let go of the spotlight for one second. He was extremely sticky as if he were a piece of gum stuck in hair, and attempted to follow me around like a super pest.
He used the word “friend” way too early, and while “confident” and a great orator, if you listen intently you would find that he talked only about himself. He wanted to override my and other people’s wills and decisions at every turn. Often for the most nonsense reasons. I don’t want to go into unnecessary details too much, so I’ll just say that from my first experience I’ve learned to use reciprocity as a preliminary filter for dangerous people. This means that whatever he thought was “okay” to “ask” me, to “do” to me, I selectively repeat in kind a few of them and observe his reactions. The result? major double standards. For example, as sociopaths love to collect private information of you to use against you later, this pile of **** did exactly that. A true gossip, he came close and probed whether I “fancied” so and so on the team (like that’s any of his business) smiles all heaped up on his ***tty face, I replied calmly that there is no such interest and asked him the same question about a female member, he was flabbergasted. I will stop there. But there were many such instances.
He liked to show that he has a lot of money, and do spend lavishly on himself but if one pays close attention one can only deduce that he doesn’t have money. Not only that, strangely, he has no sense about how stingy he appears to people. He lives with his “mother” and shares the living space with his sister, who he claimed is still attending K12. He (supposedly long graduated from college) actually boasted once about publicly harassing her because he suspected that she had taken from her a small sum of money from him. That and the fact after heaps of flattery and mirroring and “you are my first true friend” “you are the only person who understand me” kind of crap, he hits you up to borrow money — a lot more than the amount he claimed to have triggered him to harass his sister in public, too.
There’s really way to much I want to complain about. The predatory relationship was ended by me before he could do serious damage but it feels like the nasty taste lingers in the mouth even after the spoiled food is long forced out. And it is obvious that the two will go on to hurt more people….just the way it is.
My impression of the crap duo would not have been so extremely bad had him not tried to physically hurt me. The audacity and boldness of the plan was —-amazing!! amazingly disgusting that is. The day the project ended I immediately backed out of the next phase, secretly happy that there was to be no more reason to ever hear from him again. Immediately that night, my phone, which was carelessly left on silent, showed over 10 un-aswered calls within a span of two hours, from him. And just what could be so urgent? The last phone call, which was recorded from my side, showed this man repeatedly tried to persuade me to go to his hotel room under false pretenses. Now, the country where I’m resided in currently, an invitation to hotel —any hotel is culturally understood as an invitation for sex. But this man pleaded, and threatened, cooed and guilt-tripped over and over trying to insist that such is not the case because he is just like a child.
“I’m simple minded just like a child, you needn’t suspect me”
“I’m simple minded like a child, why won’t you trust me?”
“you are making me sad”
And I “must” go there and furthermore it “must” be at night because, he just had to personally show how great the furniture are to me – this is a president’s suite from a five star hotel he pitched, and another chance won’t come in years. “As I am here celebrating, I realize loneliness is not my true calling. I really want to share this joy with you” “I don’t even know when I will ever see you again now that the project ended” “I know you, I know you would think that I have no ill intentions” “you’re my first true friend” “I learn so much from you, really you must come”
The whole thing was so retarded, so un-expected and out there that I doubted what I had heard at first. Could it be real? Nevertheless I had decided on a personal boundary way back with him, so the invitation was declined. Still, it bothered me, was he being retarded or was he actually scheming against me? Is there really another possible interpretation to inviting a member of the opposite sex over at night? Even though I knew he was fishy, somehow the doubts just popped up anyways, and to find answers I actually went and surveyed my friends and strangers alike. And the response was of course………..an overwhelming NO, there is only one possible interpretation, I was the one who sounded retarded for even having to ask about it.
I don’t know – I just abhor people like this who see kindness and a trusting nature as weakness to exploit. I could not believe that anyone would be so audacious to use such crude lies, to plan to hurt another who has done nothing to him, and even helped him on occasions. ……….even though the episode has ended, it is just still reeling in my mind how can someone be so disgusting.
btw he managed to fool a couple people already……including a university professor — with the help of his female sidekick of course. His credentials are full of so many holes and some sounded just like pure gas seriously. It’s a wonder how far he will be able to take these people, but I won’t be able to worry about that now as I have blocked him entirely and those currently under a sociopath’s influence are known to be some of the least receptive people, and ultimately might just have to walk the path personally once to see for themselves.
AGPT – Thanks so much – This has been such a rough week… but it has really helped solidify my knowledge that I can never go back… I had lunch earlier this week with some very close friends of mine who also are in a circle of friends where they still see him… and when I broke down telling them of those last few horrible days and how broken and lost I feel… the lady of the couple is so close, I cannot hide anything from her any way… – they did remark how he had never said anything bad about me, and I have to say I started to feel a little bad for telling the truth about him… granted only on here and only to my mother and to my counselor. Even my two friends who moved me out of the house do not know the full truth of what I went through. I just can’t bear the looks of sympathy and the pain it causes my best friend as she and I are as close as sisters.
But then to find out that of our friends that he believes I no longer have contact with, he is telling them that ~I~ am the sociopath and that he got rid of me… and other horrible things that I don’t need to put here… you’ve all been through it… you can imagine. How is it he can still hurt me soooo badly? I don’t have anything left to give up to him. I’ve been gone 2 months and 3 weeks now…. why does it still hurt soooo much… and why???
I thought I was doing better.. I know he will never acknowledge what he did to me. I just hate being so alone and having to go through this all alone. That is why I was so excited to find ya’ll. To know that someone does understand.
I know this is going to be a long process. Thanks for letting me tag along with ya’ll.
Next week I am going on a big campout. Supposedly he’s going to be there with his new victim. However there’s about 50 people who aren’t going to be very happy to see him, and are going to be running interference for me… so hopefully I’ll never see him and will have a good energizing trip.
Then I had an offer from an old friend who recently lost his girlfriend to a long illness – to fly me out in a couple weeks as one of our favorite bands is playing in the town where his parents are and we both need some music… we both need some music and light… and I’m seriously thinking I’ll go. I don’t feel like doing anything but laying in bed. But I have a struggling business I’m trying to get stock ready for, mom needs me… and I know there are things I still enjoy… I just have to keep doing them until I enjoy them again.
I’m sorry I’m rambling again tonight… thanks for being here.
Everybody….just know that it gets better. I have caught myself smiling a lot over the last couple of weeks. I have had days like this but haven’t felt happy for a couple of weeks for a long time, perhaps when I first met my ex. It has been a long road to get to this point.
You must ween yourself of these people. It isn’t easy to do, trust me. I have taken many steps backwards after going forward. I still think about him and wonder what he is doing. I have times were my heart hurts. I think that is normal though after the relationships we have been in. Sadly, we have been broken and it takes a long time to heal from the abuse.
These people will never understand what they did wrong and, to them, you will always be the crazy one. It took a long time to accept that he thought of me this way BUT he is the only one who has ever thought this of me. I became increasingly frustrated within my relationship because of him and his actions but it was all part of a scheme to weaken me and play with my head to get what he wants. I will never be his source again and I am a lot stronger to be able to say no to him as I just have to remind myself of where I was when I was with him and the healing I have done since his betrayal.
Take time for yourself. Find something that makes you happy and stronger. Don’t expect miracles. It does take a very long time to move on. You are a victim of abuse but, more importantly, you are a survivor. You had the strength to get out of the relationship and find this website to help you heal, you will have the strength to move on. Just believe in yourself.
Hang in there! Do you remember that old poster with the cat hanging onto the knot at the end of the rope, which says Hang in There? Be that cat!
Why does it hurt so much? My view is because it is a combination of kicking an addiction and going through a grieving process at the same. One alone is enough to bring someone low. The two together are enough to wreak chaos for awhile. Pos’ most recent post on betrayal offers a good starting point on some ways to bring a bit of psychic stability around.
I think getting out of town to visit your friend and get that much needed dose of music sounds like a great idea. That camping trip where he might be, not so much. If it was me, I am sure I would spend the whole time on edge keeping a lookout for the soc. Never mind, if she actually showed up. Not my idea of a relaxing weekend.
Someone who has the strength to run a business and has gotten their HD Tech certification in the past has the strength to prevail in this challenge. Don’t let the Bas****s win! Isn’t that an old poster too? Lots of Love AGPT
I only now just saw your post on Value Empathy, as I was not scrolling far enough down the page and the post was out of order. Thank you very much for sharing that. Sometimes, continuing to value empathy is hard to do after our experiences but totally agree it is what separates us from our cluster B’s.
Hope the reason I have not seen you in awhile is that you are packing your schoolbag and shining your shoes for your new education adventures. I will be traveling the next few weeks so may be sparse, as well. Lots of Love AGPT
I am most certainly polishing my shoes 🙂
I am looking forward to this new chapter & I have been having the most amazing time since I truly ‘shifted gear’ into taking charge of myself 🙂
I love that you call them cluster B’s….hmmm Beelzebub, or B*#tards
Have fun travelling & stay well & happy & basically yourself 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
As Ex def said, everything will be better, just give it time, no contact , patience and please don’t jump to other relationship until you are strong enough to allow only” healthy” persons in your life….until then use this time to know yourself, and to respect and honor who you are…
Hi everyone….i am so glad I found this site. In 5 days will be 1 year since I left..what I am now calling ‘death by 1,000 paper cuts’.
What I value and need most is still empathy. thank you all for sharing as I identify..that we are going through an addition and grieving at the same time is so true. I still am obsessed with getting him served with divorce papers (sheriff has tried 4 times and returned papers) Last night I put a note in my pillow case with the words PRECIOUS and
WORTHY. His major crime was taking advantage of my good nature which is what they all do….today, I will love myself by focusing on being free, and pleasing myself…..there are hundreds of wild parrots where I live…..they will remind me to let my spirit soar each time i hear them…and that I don’t have to be in charge of the universe.
Just realized how the socio picks on dynamic, intelligent, attractive, self confident women to ruin….probably more of a challenge you think? Newbys stay strong and come here often, so I don”t forget what it was like before …love you all.
AGPT – Thank you so much for your kind words… I used to be invincible… I am a Leo afterall! 🙂 And you are right… but this camping trip… is over 3000 people… and I’ll be damned if I am going to let him chase me off from something I was doing before we even met! Yes, I will be watching over my shoulder… but I will be there… and while I have moved from the community most of the people I will be with are in… he has not… and he is not welcome around them. He will only be closing his own noose and he doesn’t even realize it. I cannot ever hope to actually get any kind of vengeance or satisfaction… but knowing that he will again have worn out his welcome in what he calls a circle of friends… while they would still happily welcome me in with open arms… I can get some small satisfaction in that. I won’t say that I wont spend much of the weekend crying in my tent… but I’ll be damned if I am going to let him chase me off.
Then I will get to go recharge with something that I will truly enjoy that will indeed bring my very broken spirit a bit of light and joy. Then hopefully I can come back and try to focus for our first show in September!
I used to be a really amazing person… I plan on being an ever better person again someday… thanks to all ya’ll… I think I may actually make it sooner rather than later!!
Raven, you are still the amazing person you have always been 🙂
Your just suffer ring cognitive dissonance, trying to reconcile the good guy with the one he actually is.
Me & Pos are Leo’s too 🙂
Let your inner Lioness Roar, & be the goddess you are 🙂
Nothing sadder than when a lions light goes out….. but no light shines brighter than a lion light…. I know when i feel good, it feels like the sun is shining, whether it is or not. Leos give energy away for free anyway (and can’t understand why everybody doesn’t it’s free why not you can always give more) – but this can, sometimes leave you feeling drained if you get to meet an energy vampire….
@PR
Stiiiiiill not cognitive dissonance >.>
PR – You rock! Thank you sooo much!! I couldn’t have made it through today with out all ya’ll! I may be typing through tears tonight… well, this morning… but I know I am stronger today than I was yesterday… I know that I will not let his pain defeat me. I am bigger and badder than he will ever be. I may need to let my paws heal… But I will be stronger for it. And just like the lion in the wild knows which battles to fight… that one just isn’t worth it anymore…
ok… so maybe that didn’t exactly make sense, but it’s ok… it’s after 4 am and I’m still up LOL
Thanks! And big HUGS
Raven
Hey Raven stop speaking in the past tense. You sound like you are still an amazing person. Remember what Pos said in her recent article . What they did defines them not you.
I can already see in your writings that there are some red hot glowing embers ready to respark your enthusiasm. Stay strong and focused on you. Lots of Love AGPT
PR – Thank you.. I guess ya’ll could tell I was really hurting last night… It has been such a hard week. I am actually looking forward to the next couple weeks…in a weird way… I don’t have the same excitement… but I am looking for the moments that I know I will enjoy… I know there is going to be pain… but after the last 5 years, at least I know it can’t be that bad- although – honestly sometimes its worse…
and again.. I know this is going to sound crazy… but at least when he got done with his outbursts, I’d have that great guy I fell in love with to take care of me (not really) for a while… now it’s just me. And there’s not much to me… but I’m trying. With ya’ll and my counselor and my mom, and my friend that I’m living with… it’s just time.
I’ll stay in touch and let ya’ll know how it’s going…
Trust in this, it does get better but, takes time & it’s early days for you.
Keep busy & stay here or wherever you feel connected & remember you are never alone, ever 🙂
Feel, Deal & Heal…..I read that somewhere & it’s true.
Feel the pain :(, Deal with it as gently as you can & then find ways to heal it 🙂
Be brave & love yourself, we know you can do it 🙂
Roar…..purr & meow 😉
LA – I am so sorry for both of us… and please do find a counselor… I have one,,, and I’m taking my results… my life has been such a nightmare as I’m sure you know… and my soc has a complete collection of his victims. He was in a job that he had to travel for 20 years but only stayed for about 4-6 weeks in any one place… never more than 3 months or so… so he does have a very large collection of women who at best only briefly saw that ugly side and then were convinced it was their fault.
On some level… and from friends who have known him all his life… he apparently did TRY to change with me… or maybe I was the first with a real life and it just took him longer to fuck me up… but now that I am free… it is the same pattern, the same behavior and he already has his next victim.
Please hold on to what little there is left of you inside of you…nurture her and take care of her… and find joy in the little things… I know we can get through this.
It just sucks.
My biggest issue now isn’t really dealing with him (although pangs of regret, shame, and sadness still occur regularly) but now my biggest problem lies between his mother, grandmother and I. I go to the same church as them, and today was my first day back in a year. And while others (those that truly know me and sympathize) were hugging me and welcoming me back, I received the cold shoulder from them, especially his mother. They look down on me as if I am to blame for all the “heartache” he (my sociopathic ex) has been through, and according to the grandmother he is still “hurt”. Which I know to be false because he has already moved on to his next victim. They blame him for nothing, especially his mother (who I happen to believe is a sociopath as well). I believe he has told them many lies about me, and this has led to them hating me. The grandmother is just better at containing her dislike for me. Maybe I read too much into things, but I don’t know what else to do. I find it very difficult now to go into church and I feel uncomfortable. I don’t know how to look past what they think of me and just focus on the sermon. I feel like they think I don’t belong there. To me, they come off as very “high and mighty Christians” and I feel as if they think I am beneath them. Do you have any advice for me? I couldn’t deal with a sociopathic boyfriend, let alone a sociopath’s sociopathic mother.
His Mother & Grandmother are his followers & enablers & this will never change as they always have been.
You are no more or no less than them, they are just deluded people who have listened to the Soc’s ‘pity party’ & joined in.
Hold your head up high, they cannot affect you if you don’t allow it.
You decide whether their opinion of you matters, you perceive your world, not them.
Do affirmations before you attend church & during etc…stay with friends & keep focusing on yourself 🙂
You can do this & use your faith now for your greatest strength, after-all that’s why you go to church isn’t it 🙂 🙂
Thank you so much. I realize that I cant change other’s opinions of me. And that I need to stop being so hard on myself and stop believing heir opinion of me. Especially when they themselves are being lied to by him.
Something else I am struggling with, he has moved on to a new victim and it’s as if I never existed. He’s played the victim card and acted as if I was the one who did all the damage to him. I can’t help but feel jealous of this new relationship because of all the promises he made me. One side of me knows that this thing with his new victim won’t last long and she’ll find out the truth about him, but the other side of me misses the person I thought he was and is jealous that she gets to enjoy it while it lasts. I don’t know how to move past him and live a life that is void of anything concerning him.
As difficult as it is, keep going to church. I believe that many sociopaths use the religion image. One day they might stop going. Just push on and don’t let their rudeness stop you. Don’t let the spath win.
I don’t really care what the terminology is other than what I have found in an article.
The fact remains that people struggle to reconcile or rationalise or understand someone that ‘splits’ from one person to another when it suits them.
Regardless of the label, treating someone with disdain that you profess to love 5mins beforehand , leaves people bewildered, hurt & shocked.
I don’t know about you but, whatever you want to name the trauma, it is what it is & thats cruel & sadistic.
@PR
I’m jus’ saying, wouldn’t you rather know what you’re actually talking about before throwing random terms around? I know I would >.>
I have found, however, that in these cases where people ‘treat someone with disdain that you profess to love 5mins beforehand’ do have a valid reason for leaving, and there is a fair bit of warning as well.
Hi Lyss,
Here’s a link to just one of many articles in regard to cognitive dissonance & bad relationships. http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/the-place-of-cognitive-dissonance-in.html
Oh & the reason the disordered mind, i.e. a Socio/Narc/whatever….leave is usually due to boredom or having another source of supply to utilise or basically because they have the emotional maturity of a 6 year old ( according to another study I read).
They are shallow & cannot maintain long term relationships with anyone, hence the fact they have a long list of broken marriages & relationships in general.
Oh & I am sure if you consult a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist they will clarify all of the above for you.
Me, I am just a layman & survivor, who did not get discarded but, chose to extricate myself from an abuser! Free & happy 🙂
Just saying…..Cheers PR
@PR
Lel, that article holds no scientific value. It’s not even a proper article. It’s a blog. It gives an incorrect definition of cognitive dissonance, followed by a somewhat more correct one, followed by an incorrect example.
A sociopath will become interested in someone because they seem interesting to begin with. If they leave from boredom, it means you’re the one that has become boring. They want the person they came for, not a two-dimensional robot. Why is that the sociopath’s fault?
And as for the ‘other source of supply’ I see those terms a lot on this site. It frustrates me slightly, as the supply you originally give would either be your personality (in which refer to the boredom point above), or materialistic, and if it is the latter case, the ‘victim’ is a fool for not being able to see the trickery in the first place.
‘Cannot maintain long term relationships with anyone’ do you mean that literally, as in it is impossible, or..?
Also, something that I mean to inquire about a long long time ago, you do realise it’s spelled ‘phoenix’ not ‘pheonix’, right?
@PR
Please remember NMI’s advice to us during the early April dust up. Let’s choose not to engage.
I don’t grasp the value of allowing these victim blaming tirades by a sociopath on a website devoted to healing and recovery but I can choose to tune out and not rise to the bait.
@agoodplantoday
Sigh, I’m not choosing to engage either. I don’t want a fight to start out, I just want my questions answered, fair?
I’m not even trying to bait anyone into getting angry or anything, this is honestly just how I see it, as I do feel I have more of an insight into a sociopaths mind being one myself.
It actually makes me quite sad, that I wake up hoping to find some answers and I’m left with someone assuming I’m bad and want to do something bad because of a label. And no, that’s not me trying to play on your guilt or whatever, as I am completely aware that I’m not going to be given your empathy plainly because you don’t like what I am. Again, I just want some questions answered. Yeah, I can be a smartass and I can be blunt, but that’s just how I speak, there’s no rudeness that’s actually meant to come out of it.
I must have missed the question. What answers do you want lyss?
I also understand that your bluntness is part of who you are and do not judge you for this. This is my site. I don’t judge anyone (pretty much although I cant relate to child abusers at all) apart from this I can relate to most people I hope without judgement. Nobody else is admin or runs this site apart from me.
@positivagirl
It confuses me as to why people play victim and completely blame the other person, then go on to say that it’s the sociopath that is the childish/selfish/narcissistic one.
I’ll give a personal experience as an example.
There was a girl, not too long ago, who clung to me like a bloody child. I didn’t invite her to be my friend, I never even talked to her for more than about 2 minutes. But still, she clung. I was chill with this for a long time, basically if you don’t annoy me I won’t hurt you, something something. After about half a year of being apparent best friends in her mind, she began to get irritated with me. I never wanted to go out, I just wanted to stay indoors and play video games. I was always too blunt with her. And the list goes on. She blamed me and wouldn’t talk to me for a while. This got me rather mad, not the fact that she wouldn’t talk to me, because honestly I couldn’t care less if she jumped off a bridge, but because I was consistent. When she first talked to me, I didn’t invite her in. She was aware I was blunt, asocial, and extremely aloof. Yet she clung on by her own will, then attempted to change me.
Months later, she decided to come crawling back, I was honestly sick of her by this pint, she was a nuisance. Now, this girl, she was a complete typical first world teenager. Always on her phone, spent way too much time and money shopping for clothes and makeup, gossiped about everyone. I became sick of her boring personality as all she would talk about is who she hates and what guys’ dicks she wanted, and constantly called me a nerd/freak because of my own personality. So, I made this more clear by being much less lenient. She would ask a dumb question, I’d tell her to shut up before she sounds more stupid, instead of the old just telling her it was a dumb question. I told her out rightly I don’t like her, yet she continued to attempt to cling for many months.
We’re not talking now, pretty sure she hates me (and that’s the way I like it) but she plays victim and says it was all me. She clung onto me, she tried to change me, she had the boring as all hell personality, she didn’t listen to me when I bluntly TOLD her to fuck ff, yet it’s all my fault because I’m a sociopath.. And then people say the sociopath is the childish one who can’t take blame?
That was the question which was going to come out of my cut short conversation with PR.
Second question, much shorter don’t worry, I’ve seen people say many a time, if someone has no guilt then there’s nothing stopping them from doing horrible things like murder and rape, they’re dangerous, they’re all going to do it blah blah.
If your guilt is seriously the only thing stopping you from doing bad things, doesn’t that make YOU the made person..?
And the third thing, I posted on here a while ago a bunch of lyrics and a question that came with it, and people had said they would reply to it in the soon future, yet no one did. Would you mind..? It’s still biting on my mind.
With regard to your ex friend, I have an important question, why do you care what your ex friend thinks or feels or what she is saying about you? Does it bother you? If it doesn’t I just wondered why you asked the question? I didn’t think that sociopaths cared too much. When it is gone, they move on.
I wouldn’t say that guilt would be the only thing that would stop me commiting murder. I just wouldn’t do it. I think that this wouldn’t be to do with guilt, but to do with conscience. This is different to gult. Conscience is what stops you from doing something (not that I would want to murder someone anyway) – with sociopaths I would say that it is more the fear of being caught than guilt. Guilt would come afterwards – and I wouldn’t say that would be an issue. Not being caught would be important, as if you were you would end up in jail – and that would be dull as hell, I have heard from quite a few sociopaths who said that jail was the worst thing in the world, as they lost their freedom and were BORED…. and boredom isn’t something that you tolerate well.
I don’t think that guilt would ever stop you doing anything, conscience would. Sociopaths or at least psychopaths do not have a conscience, this means that you don’t feel bad about actions either before or after the event (or during I would imagine). You would only feel bad, if that action was to affect your life.
Lack of conscience is a big one, and the biggest one I think of all. It is bigger than lack of guilt. As guilt should come after the event. Conscience should kick in before you do something that would hurt someone else.
I don’t know about the lyrics? I would have to find them, am not sure where they are.
@positivagirl
There are so many spelling errors, so sorry TT that’s what you get for writing this damn early in the morning.
*doesn’t that make YOU the made person..? was meant to be bad person. Oops.
If you find any other errors that made what I said make absolutely no sense (you probably will) let me know, I’ll attempt to rephrase when I’m a little more awake.
@positivagirl
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I don’t care what she thinks at all. I was just frustrated as I’d get phone calls from her every night interrupting my personal time to rant about people in her life when I honestly didn’t care, and if I wouldn’t pick up I would hear crap from her the following day when I saw her. And I was merely using it as an example to prove my point.
It is true that when it is gone, a sociopath moves on, yet I am still forced to see this nuisance of a human being 5 days a week, and I listen to her be her pathetic self to other people, and I see the look on other people’s faces, as if to say ‘help me please’. She’s one of those girls who seems to think everyone loves her, that she can make anyone like her, so I told her the truth. People come up to me all the time and tell me how to get rid of her. Not a single person I know likes her, and I told her so. I told her she was delusional to think that anyone would like a superficial personality like hers.
Another reason why it still slightly bugs me, is the fact that she now tells everyone I’m a heartless bitch. Note I said slightly, as I do not care what people think of me, but it’s rather distracting hearing your name every five seconds then having people come up and ask you questions about what I did to make her oh so broken.
Is conscience not just the ability to tell right from wrong?
I would say I wouldn’t murder someone because it would be a whole lot of work for nothing, it’d be pointless, I’d gain nothing from it aside from sadistic relief, and then, as you said, I would either have to put in extra effort to hide what I have done, to which I honestly cannot be bothered, or I’d go to jail, and then my Wi-Fi would be taken away 😥
Copy and paste from the post with the lyrics:
On another note.
I’ve recently looked over some old songs of mine, and looked deeper into the lyrics. I found something that stood out to me in quite a few songs. Can only remember two songs as of the moment.
Lean on Me (Bill Withers):
Lean on me when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on
You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
I’ll be there for you (The Rembrandts):
No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with
Someone I’ll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I’m best with you, Yeah!
I’ll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I’ll be there for you
(Like I’ve been there before)
I’ll be there for you
(‘Cause you’re there for me too)
The lyrics are showing selfishness, the kind you all seem to contribute to sociopathy. But yet, it is obvious these songs are not written by those who are sociopaths, and have just as much empathy. Being there for someone, just so when you have a bad time they’re obliged to do the same? Is that not what was brought up in another conversation, and someone replied doing exactly that was selfish and shows no empathy and that you’re only self-serving?
This double standard frustrates me…
Lyss hello, you made a remark in a reply to another poster about how it is not the sociopath’s fault he leaves because “They want the person they came for, not a two-dimensional robot. Why is that the sociopath’s fault?” Well it is definitely the sociopath’s “fault” because no one else but him knew they were in a game. And the nature of that game involves destroying the other person’s individuality and self-worth to claim the final victory. The sociopath was the one who progressively sought after preys. He started a game and kept that secret to himself. The one who initiated takes all the blame to me.
And that woman who clung to you, while I understand it was only an example you used to illustrate something else, I think she is the one with all the problems. Your description of how she consistently wants to change you are major red flags. I think you did good blocking someone who believe they are so much smarter than you and therefore entitled to rewrite your reality for you. Spreading gossip to others about you being a bad person just because you would not yield to her wishes is an even worse underhanded action.
But not everyone is gifted like you who can see things clearly from the very beginning. Some are overjoyed to have this kind of attention from that girl, for example. They may see the attempts to be controlling as a form of love and trust. And those who seek to control always have an agenda (the nature of which is unknown to you) with them. When the truth is revealed as the girl gets bored or otherwise gets exposed, those who were ensnared by her will feel betrayed and shamed. I got the impression that this site is more for victims who unsuccessfully saw through predatory attempts to offer each other support, and less for people who were luckier (mentally stronger etc) and deflected the predatory attempts. Have you considered that your questioning coming from a superior position might feel like rubbing salt in other people’s wounds? and perhaps that a support group’s functions are primarily in offering support to victims and not as much as yahoo answers? just some thoughts for you to consider, no offense intended.
Hi AGPT 🙂
Yes, I know & will not engage as Lyss is not constructive, just destructive.
I do no Pheonix is spelt incorrectly but, was unable to change & then decided PE…ON…EX was apt 🙂 :).
I actually wouldn’t Pee on a Socio if they were on fire 😉
Thanks AGPT & am tuning out 🙂
Know not no! hahaha
I make typo’s all the time ;)….argh!
@PR
I’m destructive by Inquiring.
Ok. You’re what’s wrong with the world. I see that now. Not sociopaths. People like you.
My question is why the family members of the sociopath don’t feel it’s imperative to warn the new person. I almost married this fool and the whole time his family knew he was a sociopath. I remember plan as day the moment his first Rage happened and my utter shock at his behavior. It was unbelievable. Once he left, I recall the phone call with his sister and he statement to this wasn’t the first time she’s ever gotten this call and it won’t be the last. She was well aware of his Tantrums and was glad that he left and no one was harmed. The fact that she was so calm shocks me to this moment and to know that once his REAL face surfaced, he wasn’t able to control that side of him very long. Our saga played out for 2 months after that initial Rage before it was finally over. Or so I hope, because I have no desire to contact him ever. But I do question whether he’ll try to come back. But I can’t get past those that know his history, continue to cover up his truth.
I had that with my Soc, his enablers & followers were amazing!
I was also warned in the beginning but, did not heed it until way too late.
My Soc had his adult children, his sister, his Policeman buddy & his Fireman buddies all cover for him….really unbelievable.
The one’s that did try & help me were always thwarted by his lies as, ‘they were just trying to stir up trouble for him for numerous reasons’, but, they were telling the truth all along!
There is a lot written about enablers & followers so, be happy you are not one of them anymore 🙂
The Soc loves a ‘Pity Party’ & these folk are just lied to & gamed as much as we were!
@Sunni
Because just as the people in the relationship do, the family still believes/wishes the sociopath can change.
There’s no changing. Ever. It’s a constant thing that both the sociopath and the people around them will have to deal with. But that’s not to say that it’s impossible to have a functional relationship with a sociopath, you just have to have the personality to fit in with them.
Maybe the family thought you might be someone who can do that, but clearly you were not. Not many people can, which is the exact reason this site was created – to comfort all those who cannot. I don’t mean to make that sound demeaning in the slightest; just a fact.
@Lyss…..LOL!!! I have someone in my life that rants and rants about her family. OMG I am over it. The only person that can fix it is herself but she doesn’t. I have heard it for about 5 years now. Now I just tell her what I think. I sympathise with her but at the same time, I am over her ranting all the time. She barely asks me about my life and how I am going. Even when she does, she turns the topic back to herself and it is like she doesn’t even listen to me. Truthfully, I think people need to be cruel to be kind sometimes. She also thinks that everybody loves her. She evens says things like “we have such an incredible bond” or “she/he thinks the absolute world of me” or “we are just like sisters”. She is a nice person but she doesn’t ever shut up. Omg, I am such a bitch but I have held this in for so long. Maybe I have a bit of Spath in me LOL.
@Sunni……Yep, what Lyss has said is correct. I also think that some family members don’t feel it is their place to say anything as well. Maybe they think that they don’t want to cause any more problems or confusion.
Spot on Lyss, my Spath always made a point that he wanted me to “understand him” (or fit in with him). I tried my best and I actually did understand him a lot of the time but I will never understand his need to be unfaithful, lying or breaking the law. I also believe he wanted a polygamy marriage as he is muslim, which is something I would never permit or get my head around. Unfortunately he didn’t understand me either. So we weren’t a good match. I now know why he wanted me to understand him because he is very different. I always thought it was odd when he made comments like this as well as how the women in his office would say that he is a “complicated man”.
The recent exchanges have gotten me thinking and now maybe it is my turn to rant
I am all for acceptance and trying not to be judgemental as a principle. However, I am also for self protection and self-preservation. Once those last two are covered then you are in a more secure and sustainable place in which to selectively provide for others’ needs. If I choose not to engage or hold a particular view it is generally for a thought through reason.
Perhaps, I believe this is because I scored pretty highly on the recent “How much of a sociopath are you” tests. Close to 60. That is not sociopath territory but not pure empath either. I have probably migrated down the scale over the years as the world kicked me in the teeth a few times and my own pain made me relate more to others pain and what they were going through. Yes, I guess I learned no man is an island. The most recent soc episode is my most recent learning lesson and probably won’t be my last.
The world is full of predators though and these predators don’t simply randomly select prey. Random selection would not be time or energy efficient. They search for certain character traits and vulnerabilities using honed techniques. Once they find what they are seeking they set to work systematically exploiting those vulnerabilities. Anyone who doubts there are people, whether naturally born or self made, that troll the world deliberately seeking certain character sets should read the famous book “Influence, The Psychology of Persuasion” by Professor Robert Cialdini. That will be an eye opener.
It is up to us to know what they are looking for and to know what vulnerabilities we possess that might let an unscrupulous operator use these traits against us. As part of understanding and coming to grips with my soc episode I read the book ” Who is pulling your strings? Breaking the cycle of manipulation.”by Harriett Braiker. In that book she details out exactly what manipulators are looking for and she provides lessons in self defense if you possess those traits. Fortunately, I didn’t possess too many of the traditionally played strings (so I probably won’t be a soc magnet ). However, most of those strings are generally on public display by highly empathic people. That is why repeat episodes are likely to occur. I am not so stupid though to think I possessed no playable strings, especially as I had been played. So I did a self examination and discovered amongst others,one of my vulnerabilities is a proclivity to want to rescue people. Whether this is due to altruism or more self-centered issues is something I am still examining.
Is it necessarily a wholly bad trait? No, but letting it be used by an unscrupulous skilled operator can be lethal. Will I never give or try to rescue someone ever again? Of course not. I will be much more circumspect and selective though before letting these inclinations out. I am a learning animal. I learned I have a potential chink in my armor and I will attempt to not let that chink be my mode of self-destruction. I guess what I am trying to say is that if I choose not to engage in certain discussions, it is not about lacking acceptance or being judgemental. It is about using the information and life experiences I have to try and protect myself. Once I am safe, then I am in a position to The recent exchanges have gotten me thinking and now maybe it is my turn to rant
I am all for acceptance but I am for self protection and self-preservation first. Once those first two are covered then you are in a more secure and sustainable place in which to provide for others’ needs. Perhaps I believe this is because I scored pretty highly on the recent “How much of a sociopath are you” tests. Close to 60. That is not sociopath territory but not pure empath either. I have probably migrated down the scale over the years as the world kicked me in the teeth a few times and my own pain made me relate more to others pain and what they were going through. Yes, I guess I learned no man is an island. The most recent soc episode is my most recent learning lesson and probably won’t be my last.
The world is full of predators though and these predators don’t simply randomly select prey. Random selection would not be time or energy efficient. They search for certain character traits and vulnerabilities using honed techniques. Once they find what they are seeking they set to work systematically exploiting those vulnerabilities. Anyone who doubts there are people, whether naturally born or self made, that troll the world deliberately seeking certain character sets should read the famous book “Influence, The Psychology of Persuasion” by Professor Robert Cialdini. That will be an eye opener.
It is up to us to know what they are looking for and to know what vulnerabilities we possess that might let an unscrupulous operator use these traits against us. As part of understanding and coming to grips with my soc episode I read the book ” Who is pulling your strings? Breaking the cycle of manipulation.”by Harriett Braiker. In that book she details out exactly what manipulators are looking for and she provides lessons in self defense if you possess those traits. Fortunately, I didn’t possess too many of the traditionally played strings (so I probably won’t be a soc magnet ). However, most of those strings are generally on public display by highly empathic people. That is why repeat episodes are likely to occur. I am not so stupid though to think I possessed no playable strings, especially as I had been played. So I did a self examination and discovered amongst others,one of my vulnerabilities is a proclivity to want to rescue people.
Is that necessarily a wholly bad trait? No, but letting it be used by an unscrupulous skilled operator can be lethal. Will I never give or try to rescue someone ever again? Of course not. I will be much more circumspect and selective though before letting these inclinations out. I am a learning animal. I learned I have a potential chink in my armor and I will attempt to not let that chink be my mode of self-destruction. I guess what I am trying to say is that if I choose not to engage in certain discussions, it is not about lacking acceptance. It is about using the information and life experiences I have gained to try and protect myself. Once I am safe, then I am in a position to give. I think this is akin to PR’s writings on love with boundaries .
Your post went on twice & I thought OMG!!! Wow, that’s a rant 😉
I actually did not see it as a rant but, very informative & helpful & honest.
I must get those books, your very well read 🙂
As you know, I only come here to heal & support & am basically not interested in debating my personal views regarding Sociopaths/narcissist’s & other disordered minds.
I don’t like the way they choose to live their lives & I never will.
We have all suffered at the hands of someone that thinks they have a right to subject us to their will & their feelings of self entitlement & selfishness, abuse etc…
I was a prime target as a person that emphasises with everyone as I see everyone as no more or less than myself, including the Socio.
I do however object to the behaviour that I & others have been subjected to, & feel this is worth standing up against.
I was saddened to read from some here that subjecting someone you may not like, to verbal abuse rather, than just withdrawing from the relationship altogether, would have been a more understanding way to deal with a person.
Rather than deliberately hurt them with ‘fuck off’ as it says more about you the annoyed person than the victim of the verbal abuse. I prefer to take the higher ground & would not berate another to get rid of them 😦 Just close the door & walk away, live & let live.
I would never contradict myself by speaking out about abuse & then abusing someone, I cannot fathom that argument?
I have learnt as you know, about healthy boundaries & myself & my involvement & the reasons for being the unique individual that I am.
We have all come from different experiences & all need to take stock of these experiences as, to how they have shaped & moulded us as the individuals we are today. I have done the self reflection & come to the greater awareness that as I’ve stated before I am grateful for 🙂
From Stephanie Dowrick:
‘I have gone beyond ego & see my SELF….
You have a body. You are not your body.
You have feelings. You are not your feelings.
You have desires. You are not your desires.
You have a mind. You are not your mind.
You have beliefs & attitudes. You are not your beliefs & attitudes.
Who are you?
You are a Self, observing all the realms, acting through them but, also distinct from them.
You are a Self. You have a physical existence. You are you & I am I’
I wish you continued success on working on your ‘chinks’ as I will continue working on mine 🙂
@agoodplantoday
‘It is about using the information and life experiences I have gained to try and protect myself’.
Probably where I fail to see an empathetic person’s point of view. I do not see why others do not have the ability to just not get hurt, to not be so sensitive, and I do not see why they cannot just, honestly, suck it up and move on. I know I would willingly be emotionally/physically/any sort of abused til I cry (which is hard to get me to do), just for the sake of gaining new knowledge, so it confuses me as to why someone else would not engage in a conversation with someone who is a little too blunt for their liking, and give up the opportunity to learn something new.
I am confused as to why people seem to think sociopaths aim for extremely empathetic people? Yes, we have certain traits we search for, but usually it’s just traits that fit in with our personality.
For me, anyway. I need to realise I’m a lot less social than most. I couldn’t deal with being around anyone with an average amount of empathy, it drives me insane, and at the same time brings the sadistic-ragey side out in me.
Apologies PR. I am on the road and I must have gotten technological fat fingers with that double post using my mobile device. Maybe Pos can fix it.
Your posts are always very informative. I have used that first part of the Stephanie D. writing often when I meditate. It has helped in moving me down the spectrum.
In my early years I was fortunate to have a very successful and intelligent boss. He is now the owner of a professional sports team in the US. In a discussion I had with him when owning up to a blockheaded error, I will never forget what he told me. He said “I have no problems with you making mistakes. If you don’t make mistakes you will never learn. What I will have an issue with is if you make the same mistake twice. Then that will tell me your not learning your lessons from those mistakes”. I have felt grateful for that advice to this very day over 25 years later.
It is one of the reasons now that I am aware of sociopathic thinking and behavior I prefer to stay as far away from it as I can.
@Lyss
I’m not sure you’re going to understand the self-protective comment from an empathy perspective.
The gist is, we try to give people a chance. Someone without boundaries is basically dangerous, not just to our sensitivities, but to our emotional and physical person. Why wouldn’t we just get out? Because then we’d be the person you say we shouldn’t be—someone who doesn’t give a chance, even though the other is “rough around the edges”. The risk is that we can come to care about them. That we can’t just turn off. Like a sociopath seemingly can. To do so would make us just as disconnected from our core emotions as someone unhealthy.
Thus, the need to self-protect. We have to draw a line somewhere that says our own mental and physical health becomes more important than that of another, at some point. Otherwise, we are entirely useless to anyone, including ourselves.
Someone who doesn’t feel too deeply, and can disconnect on a whim wouldn’t have this problem.
@Lyss
The boring, non-personality girl was being herself, whether you appreciated her characteristics or not. You knew what she thought about you, because she was forthright with you about it. She assumed you were the same with her. But you, on the contrary, just held steady until you couldn’t take it any longer then unloaded on her. Honestly, if you were irritated by her in the first place, kindness would’ve dictated letting her know, one way or another. I prefer to do it in love, if possible. She’s angry because she feels led on then dumped. It didn’t have to be that way. Sounds like you disliked her from the start so, it makes you seem like a kind of fraud. It would benefit you, and certainly others, to become more clear and upfront about your feelings. In a nice way. Other people have feelings, and to be honest, sounds to me like you do too. Doesn’t sound like you enjoyed her calling you a nerd. Might’ve been a good opportunity for a more evolved couple of people to have discussed how they were going to relate/treat one another.
@jusagirl
Again, I hardly care what she thinks about me, it’s the fact that I was never allowed my own time, it was always interrupted. It just happens to be it would be interrupted with her belittling me.
As I said in my post, I never acted any different to her. I was ALWAYS aloof, I never acted as if I liked her. I told her from the start that she’s a nuisance, and I also told her that I don’t care about her or anyone’s issues nor do I count anyone as my friend so don’t get offended when I just walk away when she cries.
She got offended when I did. Very, very offended. So when she did, I called her a dumb slut (seeming as her problem was about having sex with multiple men at the same time) in a very monotone voice, just like I say everything. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t saying it in a bitter way, I just said it as a matter-of-fact. Just like I say everything else.
There was no trickery or mask with that. Yet she still chose to stick to me.
Why would you spend time with someone that you didn’t like? If you felt she was a nuisance, why would you have her in your life at all? What was that about? What did you get out of being around someone that you found so annoying?
@positivagirl
I didn’t spend time with her, I basically ignored her every day, I told her to fuck off more times than I can count. She pretended she didn’t hear.
Also, sorry to sound pushy, but would it be possible to answer my questions from one of my previous comments? They’re still unanswered, as everyone jumped to the story with the girl, but failed to answer the actual point of the comment >.>
I am really busy right now Lyss, I just pick up comments as I see them. I have a lot to catch up on as I have been away for quite some time. the purpose of this blog is to help victims through healing and recovery. While you are welcome here, my role isn’t (in my mind) to provide insight to sociopaths?
@positivagirl
Fair enough.
To anyone who can please help me with this. How do you get over an ex who’s a sociopath? It’s been a year since I discovered the truth about him and I’m still no better off. And now I’ve heard he has a new “victim” and slight jealously has overtaken me. He has fed her all sorts of lies about me (I know this because I have seen things on social media that I was mentioned in, and they are laughing at me, calling me crazy, etc.) And one side of me knows that this new relationship he has won’t last long once he reveals his true self (and I have read that sociopaths are incapable of a long term relationship), but then the emotional side of me is jealous, angry, confused, and sad. I hate the fact that she gets to enjoy the “good him” while it lasts, and I am confused and hurt because of all the promises he made me (he had our whole future planned out….but he only fulfilled his dreams in them. Not mine.) he uses the same pet name for her he used for me. Now he has left me feeling worthless, disgusting, undesirable, and lonely. I find it hard to trust people because of him, and if any guy tries to initiate anything with me (asking me out, flirting, etc.) I run from it and am very uncomfortable, almost as if I feel I still belong to him and can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I feel an incredible urge to look at his profiles (but do my best to fight it) and still feel attached to him. He has treated me horribly, threatened me, physically/verbally/mentally/emotionally abused me, and I know that if he were to knock on my door I would turn him away. I would never take him back after the way he has treated me. But I don’t understand why my heart still aches for the person I thought he was. Can someone please help me?
You don’t ‘get over’, you just ‘get on’ until the feeling starts to abate & you discover yourself again.
You are i still ‘in love’ with the fake persona & the potential that you saw in the relationship but, now the cold hard facts are in your face.
Stop looking at Facebook, it’s all false & people live vicariously via it…the truth is very different behind the facade believe me.
The OW is you & you are her, in a different skin that’a all. Your ex objectifies women & treats them as prize possessions, that’s all.
The jealously is normal but, what is she actually getting???
More of the same as you got or she will eventually when the rot sets in & it always does.
Once the ‘I love you’s’ wear off & the gaming starts, she won’t be having ‘crazy’ sex, she’ll be having sex with a ‘crazy’….
Think of yourself as your own best friend, what would you tell yourself?
I think you would say, ‘come on you are wonderful & I love you just the way you are & I want you to believe in your own greatness’:)
If he could have been the person he should have been for you, he would have been perfect but, he’s not so, he did you a huge favor &
has gone.
Now you can find the ‘right’ person who will honor your beautiful self….trust that…your free…love yourself first & watch it flow on 🙂
Wish him well, he was not for you….
To Pheonix Rising, Ex def an S, positivagirl, and anyone else I may have missed, thank you so much. This is something I really needed to hear. I’m trying to not let old thoughts creep up, because it puts me right back in the dumps. I’m trying to not be so attached to the person he was in the beginning. But it is very difficult. He was amazing. My best friend, I told him everything. And sometimes it makes it hard to think he is a sociopath. Even though he’s basically the word for word example of one. I know he is one, but sometimes when I think of the old him I start to wonder, “What if he wasn’t? What if he really was truly amazing and I did something wrong?” Anyone else feel that way? Have you been able to banish these thoughts?
Hi Taylor, first off you found this board… there are some amazing people on here that are at all points on the path to healing. I’m still fighting just to get up in the morning. But I do. And Yes, I miss the good side of my spath so badly… but not more than I miss myself… and I’ve lost me…
Also find a counselor, or your doctor… if it’s been a year, there may been something clinical going on as well.
Dont ever be ashamed to ask questions here… whatever is troubling you… someone probably knows the answer, if not there’s always warm encouragement, and lots of love.
Thank you so much Raven. It feels good to know there are others and I am not alone. I do have a doctors appointment scheduled for Friday, wondering if maybe there is some sort of hormonal imbalance maybe. I’m not sure. One day I’m up and then the next day I’m down.
Is there anyone else further down the path of healing that has advice to offer?
Once the ‘I love you’s’ wear off & the gaming starts, she won’t be having ‘crazy’ sex, she’ll be having sex with a ‘crazy’….That is SO true! The Soc reinvents themselves to what we need (or let us see what we want to see)…the “courting”, the I love you…the romance….the game. 😦
My Soc hadn’t told me he loved me in months…didn’t pay attention, never wanted to do anything Now he’s back at our regular spots with his bff who introduced us. First feeling is that jolting stabbing pain in the heart – how DARE he be out when he never wanted to go anywhere, and never socialize, and never speak to anyone, not even me…now he’s out????
But then I remember its the game. The thrill of hunting the next victim I suspect, who will befall the same fate as all of us…still hurts, but in time I know it will dissipate..
Remember the end game is always the same!
We romanticized our lives when we were young & watched all the lovey dovey movies & thought walking in the rain was romantic…sigh 🙂
The movies were just that, fake…the walk in the rain was just cold & wet & uncomfortable….did you ever see those funny cartoons fractured fairytales?
@Taylor…….I think we all have felt jealousy over the OW. I am not someone that gets jealous very easily but I was with her. It is normal to feel like that. She has something that you once had. The catch is, she won’t for very long.
It can be frustrating when someone is spreading lies about you, especially as the majority of people will probably think you are not like what he is describing. It is all part of the way the Spath works though, did you hear stories about your ex’s “crazy ex”? Most of us did. The next women will hear about how crazy his present woman is, and so on.
Another thing is, a year on, we all know exactly how you are feeling. I wish I could have taken my brain out and removed all my thoughts about him. That’s how angry I was that I was still trapped in this cycle of thinking about him and continuing to be on this emotional rollercoaster. Just know that you were in love with this person and it isn’t easy to fall out of love with a person when you are a victim of abuse and manipulation.
Just know, you are not alone. We have all been where you have been. It gets better and you will get stronger and stronger. Concentrate on yourself. Have time out for yourself and take up meditation or something relaxing. Life will get better before you know it. I also think that good things come to those that have gone through hard times.
Hi LA – the one that was morbid doing exactly the same things! For months, he’d complain that we never went to shows, (we lived in Austin ) so I worked diligently to find at least a couple things for him to choose from for us to do each weekend.. but even when we’d make plans, when it would come down to it, we’d end up not going, or go for one drink and come home… usually because of something I’d supposedly said or some look that I’d ruined the evening – but of course, I’m still supposed to want sex with a smile and if not, then the sparks really flew! it’s been just over two months and nearly every night he’s posting about where he’d gone or whatever. I blocked him, but well meaning friends haven’t gotten the message yet.
It all just sucks. I’m scared to even talk to people nowadays. But I’m hoping to get better. I did go to the Dr today. She upped my anti depressant, and one of my migraine preventative that I already take is used for some PTSD symptoms so I’m allowed to take it more frequently. I’m seeing my counselor tomorrow and waiting for appointment with psychiatrist. Good luck with yours! I’ll be thinking of you!
You’re not alone – I was second guessing myself for over a year. Was it me? Was I being the difficult one? Was it my fault I couldn’t handle that he kept his exes in his life as friends, and never told me when he was seeing them because “what I do on my own time doesn’t concern you”. He kept his exes clothes in a garbage bag yelling at me when I suggested giving them to charity, so I decided I would go on strike. If he couldn’t discard his garbage, then I left my cats litter bagged up in the same room – after all, it’s all trash so I figured, if he could keep his trash around, I would keep mine. Speaking of cats, when I moved in my cats were kept in the basement, alone, with one small window, yet he brought his exes cat with him, and let her have the run of the house before giving her away. Did I not do enough? I cooked, cleaned, did laundry (including folding it and putting it away so he wouldn’t leave it all over the living room chair). Was I not sexy enough, pretty enough smart enough? Did I not contribute enough? It was a year ago Monday that he begged me back, and I went without hesitation. I didn’t wait a year for him to prove himself, only be more humiliated, overwhelmed, and shattered than I was before. No…you’re not alone. Today is a very overwhelmingly emotional day for me, and altho at work, functioning, not allowing anyone to see my pain, I just want to crawl into a hole and shrivel up…because that’s how I feel – shrivelled up and worthless.
Dating a Sociopath 
@ Socio Sue & Lyss,
What I meant by selective amnesia & selective memory was that when I challenged my Soc on his lies, he would try & rewrite the events & massage a better outcome for himself.
He would recant the story/lie but, conveniently & subtly change the script.
For example, his mothers funeral, he lat me believe I was attending & told me the wrong day deliberately! Then when I confronted him on this, he blamed his ex-wife for it?
I could not fathom why he just didn’t say ‘please don’t come’ my ex will start a fuss. Instead, he rolled up after the funeral (still pretending it was the next day & I knew it had already taken place!)
He then complained about running about all day organising cars etc….you should have seen his face when I called him out. I kicked him out, & all he was worried about was missing the roast dinner I had prepared!
He then rang to explain that he was stressed etc….was upset about his ex stirring ( she didn’t) & blamed her for everything. He begged me for forgiveness as he didn’t want to lose me on top of his beloved mother!
Selective amnesia re the stalling & gaming over the date if the funeral then turned into selective memory of the event & yes, by that point he couldn’t give a flying f#*k about his lies to me!
He would always remember what I said but, never what he said or did. He would split out if himself or I’d get the silent treatment if I persued the topic.
Why did I put up with this, everytime I had enough, he would enlist his proxy’s to convince me I was misinformed etc…these people were police/firemen/family members etc…I doubted myself when they spoke highly of him & covered so expertly.
My Soc/Narc is very covert & sits in two roles at work. He plays management off against the union & his ‘nickname’ I discovered is the Scab!
If they can’t see through his games, then that’s why I was so played!
PR
@pr…haven’t said hi in awhile. Just want u to know I’m doing good and was thinking about u. I’m doing good in life and work and keeping my nose clean! No crazy ladies in my life. I’m hanging on to the archetypes of women (thank u) instead of “being chosen” by whoever. I was think about u awesome Aussies as I watched the Bra boys documentary. Anyway I just wanted to say hi
Hiya UC aka Broken 😃
I was just about to get some zzzz’s & saw your post.
I am glad you are good & staying away from the ‘crazy’ ladies 😃
Thanks re compliments towards us Aussies, we are a great people & country 😃
You will have to come & personally check us out. Maybe you, me & AGPT can do that road trip around Australia together 😀
A bit like Billy Connelly & I am part Scottish Ok Aye’ ( not sure if that’s the spelling) .
Take care & continued happiness my friend 😘
Love PR xoxo
@Socio Sue,
Thank you & I appreciate your input & insite as well 😃
Namaste’
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
@PR
I do like those quotes. My female socio did not try to emasculate me. I fell into the sympathy rescuer trap. She would set up scenarios where she needed help (mainly financial). I would ride to the rescue. As a friend told me before I came out of the fog when we were discussing her “bad luck” – ” She opens the door a crack knowing that you will rush in to save to day. ” I did not believe it then, but I sure do now.
I caught her out in some big lies regarding those rescue scenarios and then the fog started lifting. Realized I needed to escape or she would bleed me dry financially. So that’s what I did. Not pleasant but necessary. It was really tough the first two months constantly flicking between the logic and the emotions but this site helped keep me on track.
Lots of Love AGPT
Hiya AGPT 😄,
I am glad that yours didn’t emasculate you as they’re often wanting to do.
Still getting taken down financially is no fun either 😔
You know, it just goes to show the difference in us as I never asked or took money from my Soc who is loaded.
I value my independence, have my own home etc…& would never expect a man to support me. I have always worked & done voluntary work & raised a family.
My ex still hates the fact that I rose above his gambling debt’s & am still rising. I’m still poor but, i know my worth now in more ways than one!
I just asked Broken if he’s up for a road trip around Oz with us, watcha think of that idea?
We can dream & who know’s stranger things have happened we can attest to that!
Love & Light & a Sociopath free life.
PR xoxo
Wondering if my pain is affecting my reasoning ability…have stupid thoughts running through my head this morning…..I feel rejected by a reject………and that, as soon as I finally got away, he turned into a normal person and now some other gal is going to get this wonderful loving prince. HE was better than nothing….$$$ wise……….oh my god how stupid is that…I mean this will be HIS 5th divorce!!!!! Had another
nightmare last night …he was hiding in this big bush in the dark ….I walked by and he tried to kill me with a water sprinkler!!!!! I have the power to control my life, my thoughts, and my destiny so must just get up, get in the shower start my day as a new, free, safe, wonderful person……I just changed one of my passwords to “IMAGODDESS”
You like??????
Those thoughts are natural and common when first coming out of the fog. The longer you stay NC the easier it gets to keep the true vision of the socio in mind and not imagine they have reverted to the fantasy version they initially sold us. Stay strong Goddess!
LOVE IT! IMAGODDESS 🙂
You know,next time he attacks with the sprinkler, strangle him with the hose!
He’s never going to turn into a ‘normal’ person & that pretense won’t last long I can assure you of that!
Keep up the divine inner goddess work & believe in your awesomeness, we do 🙂
Make the nightmares into dreams, you will in time 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
You are not the only one who has these thoughts… I keep thinking/hoping that finally he’s gotten… kinda like Mary Poppins… he’s finally learned how to be a decent man… but as I just found out this evening… while he’s been playing nice to my face… knowing that we have this thing we have to do for memorial day… even though I’m gone from the house… he’s basically slandering me in our community in emails while he’s trying to find his next ‘victim’
I am also having the nightmares… often the same… he is only magnified.. as horrible as he can possibly be…. I awake crying my eyes out… feeling like such a fool for ever getting into this…for still loving him even after all he has put me through.
But we ARE FREE… we do NOT have to feel that fear… when we wake up… we are free safe wonderful women… and while we may have some healing to do… we are GODESSES!!
Yeah. We do that road trip on 1200cc Harleys. And we get matching leather vests with “S.H.E.E.P. Riding Club-Melbourne Chapter” stitched on the back. Haha or Baba. 🙂
AGPT, Count me in!
Baba…I have a feeling we will have a huge contingent of fellow travelers when word gets out 😉
Shout out to all survivors here, the ‘S.H.E.E.P’ road trip is on!
Baaaaaa 😉
Love PR xoxo
I’m all for a riding chapter too!!! In a former life – Pre-Socio – I had my HD Tech Certification and worked for Harley for 5 years… didn’t wrench for a living except on the side.. but was the best dang warranty clerk ever!
@AGPT…..I fell into the rescuer trap as well. Sadly I don’t think I will help another person, like I did with him, again. Nobody knew that I helped him financially. I asked him if maybe he could ask a family member for help and he yelled at me. I did become bitter about helping him, I still am. The last year of our relationship, he didn’t even say thank you or anything when I gave him the money. He just expected it. He treated me like shit but still expected me to give him my money. I don’t completely blame him, I am partially to blame as well. I should never have said yes in the first place. I actually don’t think he understood that I was struggling as well and that when I gave him money, I usually went without. I once confronted him and asked him if he was using me for money (this played on my mind since the first time I handed over my money to him) and his response was “you are not rich and a millionaire, so why do you think I am using you? You are stupid and a pig. Now look what you did, you made me angry!” I felt so stupid. Turns out he most likely was. I was always a pig, stupid, a dog, made him angry and made his head spin. He was always nice as pie before he would ask me for money.
To this day it still haunts me and has bitten me on the backside a few times as well. I have no savings and last week I was eating nothing but noodles and tuna on crackers. I am actually looking at getting a second job so I can build up my savings and build up the money that I lost from him.
He ruined my trust and, in a way, kindness towards people and wanting to help them sometimes.
Hi Ex Def,
The things he said to you are atrocious. What a b*****d. The blaming of others for causing their bad behavior is classic cluster B. Yeah, see you made me become an evil, sick person with no motor control over my mouth. No! Not quite. He was that way before you met him. Nobody deserves that. I hope you have had a chance to look at the drjoecarver article on Emotional Memory Management. The information contained in it might help lessen the impact of the negative memories he helped create on your present day life and hopefully help you leave that jerk in the past.
I read somewhere that people find it easier to help somebody if they have already helped them in the past. That is why con-men often start off with having the victim do a small favor for them. I helped launch my socio into 3 businesses, each larger than the last, in which I was a large shareholder. These businesses often served as the platform for her financial ruses. While providing help, I always thought that with just a little more assistance she would get over the “hump” and finally be successful. I was financially and emotionally invested in helping her succeed. But all the while I had niggling doubts in the back of my mind about whether what she told me was true. Finally, I had an investigative agency check some things out. The answers they came back with proved the lies.
It was painful to find out. While I have had plenty of lousy business dealings over the years, never had I been betrayed by someone I considered in my circle of trust. I simply walked away. To this day she does not know the reasons why and, believe me, she was not ready to move on. I guess she wanted to stay as long as the well was still delivering oil.
Yes, I let her keep all the investment even though it was ill gotten. I realized I would never see that money again anyway and it would always keep me emotionally tethered to her. For my own mental health, I decided to treat it like any other investment that failed for operational reasons. I wrote it off in my own books (literally and mentally) and moved on. I don’t want folks who are not interested in my best interests close to me, even if they profess to love me or I them. It hurt but the pain has definitely lessened tremendously over the past months. As an added bonus, I got my emotional energy back to pay full attention to my own businesses which are doing well. Yin and Yang, I guess.
Ex Def, I admire that you are taking control of your own finances. Remember that with every mortgage payment you make on your new house you are building equity in it. That is a form of savings. Seek out and read books on personal financial planning. Suze Orman has many books with good advice for financial beginners. Like anything, it is easier to succeed if you have goals and the plan to reach those goals. If you want money you have to understand how money works. Good Luck!
Lots of Love. AGPT
@AGPT,
You lost money but, she lost something priceless, YOU 😃
PR xoxo
@PR
Just a shout out to say I hope things are going well for you. Things are good on this end. Lots of Love AGPT
Hi AGPT 🙂
I am really great & glad to hear you are also 🙂 🙂 🙂
I read this in our weekend newspaper & it’s from a psychologist giving advice to someone having trouble separating their heart from their head etc…re the relationship & I thought it very appropriate.
“This isn’t soulmate-ship.
It’s fix-my-need mateship.” by Toby Green.
Love & Light & continued happiness.
PR xoxo
P.S. I am going back to study 😉 thought if I can get the Soc’s diploma’s, I should get my own! 🙂
Psychology naturally 😉 😉
Awww PR! Now I am going to walk around with a smile on my face the rest of the day! Thanks.
@ AGPT…..thank you. I went through a lot of emotional abuse from him. Blaming a lot of his anger on me even though he gets himself involved in many physical fights and goes around bashing people up. But, you know, that is always someone else’s fault. When he started to call me names, I was shocked as nobody ever said anything like that to me. Over time, I became a bit immuned to it. It still hurt but I never broke down and cried like the first few times he called me those names. To him, it was only words. That’s what he would say to me “it is only words”. He never understood the scars that calling me those names left. It was before I knew what Spath’s were. Now I understood why he thought that way.
I like the way you think. I think that is the best way to look at it. An investment that failed. I hope to start thinking that way 🙂 Thank you!
I believe my aunt is dating/married to a sociopath. Last year around March, this man was going through a real rough time. He supposedly couldn’t get a hold of his money because it was put in a trust, and for some reason he couldn’t break the trust. My first thought was ‘what 57 year old man, can’t get into his trust fund?’ It was very strange. My aunt took him in and has been living with her ever since. He told us all that he had 2 million dollars in his trust, and that we could all have new cars and pay for college, ect. It was so believable, I cannot count the amount of times we went car shopping and how many trips to the bank we had to try and resolve the problem. He convinced my aunt to retire and now that a year has gone by she is almost out of her retirement money, and his “millions” have yet to be seen. It feels like he has torn the family apart. A place where we used to all go and have wonderful cookouts, is now like a miserable place. He starts little arguments between all of us about nothing, and nothing is ever his fault. My aunt isn’t realizing how much he is putting all of us through, she doesn’t even realize that she has been majorly depressed. It’s hard for my family to get through this. How can i get her to realize that he has been lying and conning her?
Will someone here advise me of a good PTSD support group….I feel so stuck….My doctor thinks this is a big factor in my difficulty managing pain. He says living under constant stress and danger for so many years has made physical damage. So think of this when you are hesitating to leave or not. He also thinks the physical abuse is way easier to recover from than the mental, emotional, psychological abuse is a lot harder to heal. I read Drjoecarver.com paper on emotional memory repair and that helped. My mind is stuck on if I can just talk
to the socio and tell him what he has done to me that I will feel better.
I know in my mind this would just invite more abuse but feel so torn and fighting not to contact him just wears me out….yesterday I actually fell asleep in a yoga pose and almost fell over twice. Last night I had another very bad dream where I was in a zombie apocalyse and he was trying to torture me with fire……I think these awful dreams interferr with deep sleep. I have an appointment with a counselor this friday at Human Options a place that addresses domestic violence. But right now friday seems a long way off. I am typing this with my left hand on fire from my torn rotator cuff….like it is asleep but burns very bad…..This happens every morning…maybe that is what brought on the burning with fire dream.
I agree, bruises can heal, but internal damage can damage your soul, your psyche and it can take a long time to work through this damage. There is a way through PTSD, but sadly it means going back and revisiting (in your thoughts) exactly what happened, and this can be tough to do.
Howdy! This article could not be written any better!
Reading through this post reminds me of my previous roommate!
He continually kept preaching about this. I will send this information to him.
Fairly certain he will have a good read. Thank you for sharing!
I am not even sure where to start… So many of these comments came out of my mouth just yesterday with my new counselor… I left my for the first time two years ago… that lasted a whole 11 days… he had been cheated on me with this skanky ho… it was awful… and he always makes sure that I find the messages but then gets horribly angry cause I saw it on his phone when I was told to get a phone number for him.. or look for an address… always my fault that I get hurt. But we got better… and I got the nice him for a while… then his also bipolar/dissociative son moved in with us…
For a while we were a happy family… then the ex wife got jealous and started digging at the kid… the kid stopped taking his meds… and he started getting restless… of course there’s more to it…
But we up and moved back to our home state… at one point… I was told that I shouldn’t move home… that I wasn’t needed… except that he had pretty much forced me to give him all of my 401K money which meant I had to quit my job to get it… and he borrowed money from my mom…
But once I got here..things got better again.. till his kid had an episode and ran away and ended up in the hospital and then back with his mother… and after that.. it finally started to devolve into what I can now see as abusive/sociopathic behavior…
the details of what finally made me snap in February… probably don’t matter… as it seems we have all been through such similar heart breaking situations… but the night I knew I had to leave… I had had a very long day… but was cooking dinner anyway… and he was nitpicking me anyway and every time he said anything to me, it wasn’t my name or nickname.. but a33hole… and I was just in tears… he says.. “what? that bothers you? well I’m just gonna say it more then.. a33hol3, a33hole a33hole…” I just stood there and cried… I knew it was just never going to get any better. And it got even worse that night and he was losing control. Before we came home… I had been trying to allow him some time and peace to come to grips with things… and the last few months, I had finally started standing up for myself.. not letting him talk down to me, not calling me names, not letting him complain about everything… and I had become a bitch… and miserable and a stick in the mud… and whatever else he could come up with. .. He didn’t actually hit me, but pinned me to the wall, pulled my hair, threw me on the bed, and screamed at me that he loved me and should be nice to him. when I just cowered in the corner and begged him to just leave me alone, he’d stop and say he wasn’t trying to hurt me. He just wanted me to be happy. and to love him.
And since I’ve left… he’s wonderful… except for the emails I keep “accidentally” finding in our shared email… the ones where he’s trying to hook up and telling ex dates or new prospects or whatever they are… that I AM the SOCIOPATH! We have a function we have to be at together at the end of the month…I had almost gotten to where I almost believed the “good” him… I was falling for it all over AGAIN!!! I just feel sooooo stupid….
And I am just soo lost…. I’ve worked for the last five years… I gave up my dog, all MY friends, except the two that came to move me out, all my hobbies, everything that defined me… all the things that supposedly he fell in love with… I don’t even know where to start… I don’t know who I am anymore… there is nothing I do that is not touched my memories of him… and not always bad memories. Sometimes I think it would be easier if it was all bad memories… except, then it makes the fact that I stayed for so long seem even more stupid.
I’m sorry I think I am rambling… my head is just swimming still… I feel like there is just a hurricane of pain and emotions and fear and loss and it just won’t stop. I don’t sleep, much, I eat and my stomach hurts…
I am glad I found you all.
Good luck to us all!
Anybody in Australia just watch the interview on 60 minutes with Jordan Belfort?? This guy screams textbook Sociopath. He is now a motivational speaker. I will never go and see him and support his Sociopathic life.
hi
I finally broke up with my Soc. of 5 years 3 days ago. I read this site last year and it has till taken me a year. I had to finally expose him. Every other time he would just come back and I would take him back, as it was always my fault……And even though I knew it wasn’t he put up such a great argument I had no recourse? And ended up saying sorry.
he is a serial cheater and has a new relationship that has been going on for a year……..The part that really alerted me and allowed me to see through him was that a year ago, he took on a boy from the neighborhood who had a bad situation. He took on the Father role….I thought this was genuinely kind, and I loved him for it.
His new girlfriend has 2 teenage boys…….He just mirrored her! Look what a great Dad to a teenage boy I can be…….I know he is seriously going after her as his new source.
When this penny dropped, it chilled me to the bone…..This and the fact that he gives his new very successful girlfriend my designer clothes.
I am very grateful to be out of it finally, but now the free fall and healing has to begin. I am struggling to work and I have a huge deadline.
I have blocked his calls, text and emails……I am moving work out of my home and into an office so I am not here during the day.
I am shaky when leaving the house. He lives a few blocks away.
His new girlfriend knows where I live, which is a worry.
I know I will heal and rebound beautifully, but there is a lot of distance between here and there. 20 years ago I had my first Soc. in my life. I was too young to even know that that is what he was. he almost destroyed me, but he didn’t……..And this bast*** won’t either.
I do feel sorry for him, he will never feel what I feel.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Eloise-Loving-Sociopath-Catherine-Lockwood-ebook/dp/B00K1T4NE4/ref=la_B00FWOAMY8_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1399851823&sr=1-2 This is an interesting perspective on loving a sociopath, Very sad.
@AGPT me too!! I haven’t felt anxious for a few days now. How good does it feel!!! Actually, I had breakfast with my boss yesterday and he told me some confidential information. He has been seeing a therapist as he was in the Army and has a lot of mental issues. Last year he was a complete asshole, to put it nicely, and I have seen a HUGE change in him since he started to see a therapist. The nice guy is coming out and he has also been generous to me with giving me a $500 bonus for my holiday to Bali and also paid for my building inspection for my house and he overpaid me last month and told me not to worry about paying it back. Well, to cut a long story short, I work with a lady who, I think, is a Sociopath, I also think her husband is as well. We work with them both. When they returned from holidays my boss told them about how he wasn’t impressed that a lot of money is not being generated and that was mainly their fault. The husband let it rip. I felt really sorry for my boss. This was in front of everybody in the office. My boss 6 months ago would have yelled back, this time he didn’t. He listened and asked if they could finish the conversation in his office. The man didn’t. They had a meeting later on in the day and apparently things had been sorted. Wellll yesterday my boss revealed to me that he is going to be getting rid of them before they go on their holiday to the UK in July. Thank god he has seen want they are truly like. He has always defended these people and they are real bullies. Nobody who we deal with like them, quite a few clients don’t want to deal with them, we have lost business opportunities because of them. Like I said to him, something needs to be done as we can’t keep going like this and that he doesn’t need the extra stress in his life. The company has no money and my boss is always stressed. I was doing a happy dance in my head when he was telling me this. He did warn me that there will be blood on the floor but it needs to be done. I will have to bring my popcorn on that day, it is going to be interesting as this husband and wife yell at people so disgustingly that I hate being in the room when they are yelling at people. I truly have never seen anybody go off at people like they do.
PR, you would be really good at psychology. Your kind words make a huge difference on here. I know, with myself, you have helped me so much.
Thankyou Ex & if I’ve helped you in any way, it’s my honour 😃
Please take care & remember to not ‘give’ too much of yourself, even to your boss, cover your own back.
Remember Soc’s/Narcs etc…are everywhere but, as long as you stay in your own power, healthy boundaries, self awareness etc…you will protect yourself. You are an Empath & it can work against you if your ‘too open’ & relate too mych to your bosses plight.
Just watch yourself, & listen to your gut & if the others go, be mindful of who your friends are. There is never any friends in business so, take heed.
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
I don’t even have the energy to write this, but I’m going to attempt it. I’m drained, exhausted, used up (to what I feel) beyond repair. And I’m ashamed of myself – 3 years away from 50 and I should have known better and listened to my gut. I saw the warning signs. I had left before. I wanted what I wanted, and I fooled myself into believing I would have it all, that he could change.
I met, and fell in love with a narcissistic sociopath. I was introduced to him by a mutual friend and, since they knew each other +30-years, I thought I was safe. He should have come with a warning label.
We started out as friends, sharing our relationship experiences albeit his past was much more interesting than mine: Being married to an openly bisexual woman, their “swinger” escapades, and bringing another woman in the picture to live with them for a year before both women left for a year (telling him to choose he told me). He remained friends with the “ex-wife”, and chose the other woman who, as told by him, left 5-6 times during their 10-yrs together to run into the arms of other men. I took pity on this man. He seemed so kind, caring, and compassionate.
Although he looked like a shell of who he once might have been, I saw the potential. We had similar views (I’m a monogamous heterosexual woman, previously married with one child). He was a very attractive man masquerading as a nerd. He was quiet, reserved, yet liberal in his views. He had what I thought was an amazing job, a home, and a car (later learning he’s a contract worker, rented a dilapidated home, and didn’t have a license so his car and insurance was in his “ex” wife’s name).
The “ex” wife was always around. He maintained they were friends, that although they were no longer close he thought of her as a sister (although where I’m from you don’t have children with a sister). I had bad experiences with ex-wives, and thought this was refreshing, so I didn’t mind she being invited for bbq’s with the kids (until she started showing up uninvited when we took them to dinner, only to sit down, order, then look at him and smile when the bill came). What I DID mind was the “remember when” looks she would give him, or go down memory lane with their threesome in front of me which I found very disrespectful. I left the first time b/c he wouldn’t stand up for my feelings. I also left b/c he was still travelling 2-hrs to visit his other ex where they would get their hair done together. So not cool and inappropriate but again, I questioned myself – was I being too rigid in my thinking. So I tried to be accepting b/c he was kind to me (mostly) and told me he had fallen in love with me. He was romancing me! He was flirtatious, funny, engaging, and he started to change his appearance, slowly. We ended up looking like Barbie and Ken together, and I loved it!
He eventually put a stop to the uninvited ex visits, and stopped going to get his hair done (I started cutting it) although he originally said that what he did on his own time was of no concern to me. He said he wasn’t physically attracted to either of them, but they had history and were friends. I didn’t like it, but accepted it although his visits did stop (and I do trust that nothing ever happened with them again unless I was THAT gullible) I did everything for him. I ended up being a weekend maid with benefits; straightening up the house, folding his laundry, cutting his hair, and being open to different sexual preferences he had, although I had reservations. I didn’t know what it was, but he became a drug. He would rarely speak, focussed on his online games totally ignoring me, but the moment he would take my hand in his, I would melt. Now, I’m not an unattractive woman. I had been a model years before. I was educated, articulate, well-groomed. I came from an upper middle class family, and I had my own accomplishments, a full time job, and my own interests…but I lost myself. I should have realized something was up when his “ex” wife came over for a bbq (this time she was invited) and told me she had told him not to hurt me!!!! WTF!!!!
He only communicated when it was about HIS life, HIS interests, HIS plans (which he didn’t have many). Any time we spent together, not realizing it at the time, was always where he wanted to go, what he wanted to do, watch, eat, or shop. He ever asked my opinion, he never remembered important things I would tell him and, being a bit narcissistic myself, I grew tired of the lack of attention, interest, or enthusiasm, but I was labelled the spoiled princess drama queen.
The second time I left, I had been ready for more than just weekends, and wanted to be more important in his life. He said he liked his life the way it was. For 3-months I had no contact. I started to go out again with friends, talk on the phone, have my own interests (funny how when with a sociopath, you completely lose your own identity). I even started dating a fabulous man who won the hearts of my close friends, who had never understood what I saw in Mr. X. A year ago (this weekend) Mr. Fabulous and I were out where Mr. X showed up. That weekend he text me that he had flubbed up, he was an ass, he was wrong, and he knew he had lost the best thing. He showered me with the words I wanted to hear (except a real apology), and begged me to take him back. He said he knew he needed therapy, that he didn’t want to be alone, that I was “the one”.
“You won’t be satisfied with just living together. I think we should get married”
I lapped it up. I ended things immediately with Mr. Fabulous, and Mr. X and I started to make our plans, although I was really the only one planning. Since we were blending 2 homes under the verbal agreement we would not stay in his home for long, I gave everything away. Everything but my bedroom set. I moved in, and started to make his environment, our home. I was so happy, yet had reservations given the little warning signs going off (double standards with his son and my own), and having to invite the ex-wife to our wedding b/c they were friends…but I went along with it. After all, he was going to couples therapy with me although he rarely spoke, and when he did, he always somehow managed to manipulate the session to be MY fault for things going wrong.
I resented his hoarding as I’m very organized and tidy. He kept garbage bags of his 2nd ex’s clothes for 3-years and when I suggested he give them to a charity, he turned around and yelled at me asking how I would like it if someone gave my clothes away. Um….my clothes are hung up in a closet, and I wear them…..if she didn’t want them for 3+ years, why hold on to them? Why hold on to the sex toys in a box in the basement. Why hold on to the cat litter pan from a cat that had been gone for years? Why keep old boxes in the basement where there was only a path made from the garbage down there??? I didn’t understand it but again, it was always my issue, my problem, my drama.
Well, he ended up being too cheap to file for divorce (he was very cheap with every aspect of life and although he paid the rental bill, I paid for our evenings out, contributed with the groceries, etc). So our wedding ended up being a commitment ceremony. My family had warned me about him after the 2 times I had left, the non-stop complaints I had, but I didn’t listen and I couldn’t tell anyone.
Within the month after the ceremony, he would no longer go to therapy, despite mounting problems: he continued to financially support the ex even though their 2-children were adults. As the months drew into this past winter, I started to sink lower. I lost motivation not wanting to cook, clean, or do laundry for someone who couldn’t even compliment me, or think about my feelings. Come to think of it, he has never said “I love you” this year (as of May 13th 2014).
He started further shutting down with my daily presence in the home. He wouldn’t even acknowledge me when he came home from work. He would ask me to “take it in the other room” if I came home with parcels, looking thru them in the same room he was sitting in. He didn’t like the noise. He didn’t want to go out anywhere, or do anything. When he did go out, he would hold my hand, and not say a word to anyone anymore. His friend told me he suffered seasonal affective disorder and shut down during winter. After +3years together I knew this, but didn’t know the extent. So I took him to the tropics for a week in January where he woke ME up at 4:00AM to yell at me that he couldn’t sleep. Then he completely ignored me for almost 48 hours, but then acted like nothing had happened. While he would be lying in bed in our hotel room, I would tiptoe around him to try and get ready to go out and eat, and spent my evenings on the balcony with my book soas not to upset or disturb him. This was my holiday too!
When we got back, I got very ill and ended up in and out of the hospital. He never asked me how I was feeling, and in fact asked me to sleep in the other room. I drove myself to the hospital or had my geriatric mother take me. I couldn’t eat, and ended up skin and bones although for some strange reason in anger he called me a fat flat-assed deadbeat. When I started feeling better, I decided to go on strike. I stopped cleaning the house (he’s a hoarder), stopped making dinners, and stopped doing his laundry which ended up all over our living room in piles where he would come down from a shower to pick out a pair of underwear.
By March of this year, I begged him to go back to therapy with me but he declined saying he was done with the loop – the only one going round in the same circles was him! He suggested I move to be with my son who needed me, and he would focus on his son who needed him. Why we couldn’t do this together, I’ll never understand, and I took great insult to his suggestion, but I thought perhaps that could work. When I thought more about it, I realized he would be getting exactly what he wanted again – a weekend maid with benefits but I agreed, and it’s amazing how his happy go lucky verve came back. I knew in my heart that once I left, it would be for good. I know myself worth…enough said. But I kept quiet, and continued to act as his wife. His sexual interests were getting stranger, and he was requesting things of me that I had no interest in, but for some things, I played along for the experience. Other’s insulted my very being, and I dodged those requests.
The same month, I also found bills from his 2nd ex that he was still paying although she had been married the previous year. I also learned he was paying for his “ex” wife’s legal feels (real winner she was getting into trouble and he always bailing her out). He would get angry at me for needing things myself, not taking into consideration I was self sufficient, contributed, and paid my own ex husband child support. Then I found out he was not only paying for her lawyer, but attending court with her for emotional support while leaving me on my own in the emergency room on morphine! That was all I needed to convince me this was the end.
Leading up to my move, I repeatedly tried to talk to him and tell him that I couldn’t be a weekend wife or a bed buddy. He would get coy, smile and tell me that I would, and I would love it. I would just shake my head and not let him see how hurt I was. After all, by this time, I knew he wasn’t human. He had no regard for my emotions, thoughts, feelings, or needs. It was all about him.
I left 2-weeks ago. He helped me move, and it was good. I even returned that weekend so we could go to dinner, but I reiterated I would not be a weekend bed buddy. The next day, he wouldn’t respond to my texts, and the day after that he deleted me from virtual existence. I had left boxes of memories, and some other items he told me not to worry about, but when I tried to contact him to tell him I would like them I would get no response. Last weekend I text him to tell him I was coming over. When I arrived, he had changed the locks! The car wasn’t parked in the garage, but I had a key so I went in. He was sitting at his computer. I got my mail, and wanted to have a chat, but I was met with verbal abuse, calling me every name in the book and telling me to get out. He’s since deleted his friend of +30 years as well for no apparent reason.
I am dumb-founded. I gave my heart and soul to this man. I did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted only to end up being treated worse than a stray dog. I’ve been discarded like trash and I don’t even have the words. I tried to be non-judgemental. I held my tongue on most things and smiled. I’m very thankful for this site. I’ve been reading allot. I know my questions will never be answered, but I still have them and, although I know I made the very best decision for me, I will always love him, even though he never deserved my love. But my God does this hurt. I can barely eat, or sleep. I can’t focus. I’m still trying to be present at my job, be a mother to my son, and not let people know how I feel, but I don’t know how much longer I can maintain this charade. I am humiliated, embarrassed, and feel worthless, and discarded.
I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get to your comment LA, I will try to get back to comments to respond, and i hope others will also. Thank you for sharing your story.
Sweetie – I ache for you. You story so mirrors my own situation. and I am so sorry for. I have lost every ounce of what made me me… I gave everything I had trying to make our relationship work… knowing that no matter how good I did there would always be a complaint, no matter how good I looked it was never good enough. If I talked, he wanted me to be quiet, If I was quiet, I didn’t talk enough… as I sank farther and farther into myself.. then it was me.. I wasn’t happy so he couldn’t be happy and then it all became my fault. And yet, even now.. as I stay up night after night, chugging zquil and antidepressants and crying and begging my brain to please go to sleep, I miss him so much… and part of me feels like I could just give up what little self respect I have left and just go back… give up the few friends I have left and give in. When he’s good he is wonderful and charming and loving. When he’s not, he is very, very scary. And maybe he would just kill and get it over with. Yeah, I know that’s crazy… and thank goodness, I don’t have children to have to protect. I don’t eat… If I get 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night… that’s a lot… I am totally lost. I have no idea why I even trying except that I have to… and I know that this has got to get better.
I do have an amazing counselor. She is helping a lot. So if you can, find someone you can talk to. And stay on here… this board is great.
I wish you the very best.
Raven
Hi LA Conf 🙂
As usual, a lot of similarities always pop up when reading others stories although we never married etc…10 years of being gamed took it’s toll.
Still, I am living proof that you will be okay once you get totally clear of the emotional ties that can only come via No Contact.
My Soc likes to keep all his women albeit me, in his collection so, that is why they don’t actually fully discard & will ‘stay in touch’.
Any contact for them is good even if it’s negative for you as they hate letting you go & get on with your life.
My Soc keeps all his women & finally divorced his wife after 35 years but, separated for 10????
The latest OW set me free thank goodness or I’d still be in his collection, it’s a long story & I am well clear of it all now 🙂 🙂
I’m 12 months plus over the whole shebang of discovering his wicked duplicitous life etc…& had the same epic journey into his seedy abyss but, I survived & so will you 🙂
Just stay here & share & support & learn & read as much as you can about the game. After all that’s all it is to them sadly but, you are better than that & you will go on & prove that to yourself.
Love & Light, you are not alone 🙂
PR xoxo
Thank you. I’m up and down with my emotions. He is clinically ill. I know this. He is a sociopath! When he’s “there”, he’s romantic, caring, compassionate, and a wonderful person. He changes in a heartbeat. Cold, emotionally abusive, isolating. We would sit in the living room and he would say nothing to me, as if I weren’t there. I was just there for his amusement when he wanted me. I’m glad to be free, but I’m so hurt. This weekend is the 1-yr anniversary that he came crawling back full of empty promises. I’m having a real hard time with this. We have mutual friends. He seems “normal” while me, the one being ripped apart inside, trying to hold it together. I feel like I’m the one who looks like the psycho, when I know I did nothing but love him, make excuses for him, compromise for him….but he’s already out as if nothing were wrong. He even has his f/b status listed as “married” still, yet he deleted me from existence when I left and said I wouldn’t be a weekend wife. Never have I thought this could happen. Thank you for all your word of support. I take solace in them, and in this site.
I don’t even have the energy to write this, but I’m going to attempt it. I’m drained, exhausted, used up (to what I feel) beyond repair. And I’m ashamed of myself – 3 years away from 50 and I should have known better and listened to my gut. I saw the warning signs. I had left before. I wanted what I wanted, and I fooled myself into believing I would have it all, that he could change.
I met, and fell in love with a narcissistic sociopath. I was introduced to him by a mutual friend and, since they knew each other +30-years, I thought I was safe. He should have come with a warning label.
We started out as friends, sharing our relationship experiences albeit his past was much more interesting than mine: Being married to an openly bisexual woman, their “swinger” escapades, and bringing another woman in the picture to live with them for a year before both women left for a year (telling him to choose he told me). He remained friends with the “ex-wife”, and chose the other woman who, as told by him, left 5-6 times during their 10-yrs together to run into the arms of other men. I took pity on this man. He seemed so kind, caring, and compassionate.
Although he looked like a shell of who he once might have been, I saw the potential. We had similar views (I’m a monogamous heterosexual woman, previously married with one child). He was a very attractive man masquerading as a nerd. He was quiet, reserved, yet liberal in his views. He had what I thought was an amazing job, a home, and a car (later learning he’s a contract worker, rented a dilapidated home, and didn’t have a license so his car and insurance was in his “ex” wife’s name).
The “ex” wife was always around. He maintained they were friends, that although they were no longer close he thought of her as a sister (although where I’m from you don’t have children with a sister). I had bad experiences with ex-wives, and thought this was refreshing, so I didn’t mind she being invited for bbq’s with the kids (until she started showing up uninvited when we took them to dinner, only to sit down, order, then look at him and smile when the bill came). What I DID mind was the “remember when” looks she would give him, or go down memory lane with their threesome in front of me which I found very disrespectful. I left the first time b/c he wouldn’t stand up for my feelings. I also left b/c he was still travelling 2-hrs to visit his other ex where they would get their hair done together. So not cool and inappropriate but again, I questioned myself – was I being too rigid in my thinking. So I tried to be accepting b/c he was kind to me (mostly) and told me he had fallen in love with me. He was romancing me! He was flirtatious, funny, engaging, and he started to change his appearance, slowly. We ended up looking like Barbie and Ken together, and I loved it!
He eventually put a stop to the uninvited ex visits, and stopped going to get his hair done (I started cutting it) although he originally said that what he did on his own time was of no concern to me. He said he wasn’t physically attracted to either of them, but they had history and were friends. I didn’t like it, but accepted it although his visits did stop (and I do trust that nothing ever happened with them again unless I was THAT gullible) I did everything for him. I ended up being a weekend maid with benefits; straightening up the house, folding his laundry, cutting his hair, and being open to different sexual preferences he had, although I had reservations. I didn’t know what it was, but he became a drug. He would rarely speak, focussed on his online games totally ignoring me, but the moment he would take my hand in his, I would melt. Now, I’m not an unattractive woman. I had been a model years before. I was educated, articulate, well-groomed. I came from an upper middle class family, and I had my own accomplishments, a full time job, and my own interests…but I lost myself. I should have realized something was up when his “ex” wife came over for a bbq (this time she was invited) and told me she had told him not to hurt me!!!! WTF!!!!
He only communicated when it was about HIS life, HIS interests, HIS plans (which he didn’t have many). Any time we spent together, not realizing it at the time, was always where he wanted to go, what he wanted to do, watch, eat, or shop. He ever asked my opinion, he never remembered important things I would tell him and, being a bit narcissistic myself, I grew tired of the lack of attention, interest, or enthusiasm, but I was labelled the spoiled princess drama queen.
The second time I left, I had been ready for more than just weekends, and wanted to be more important in his life. He said he liked his life the way it was. For 3-months I had no contact. I started to go out again with friends, talk on the phone, have my own interests (funny how when with a sociopath, you completely lose your own identity). I even started dating a fabulous man who won the hearts of my close friends, who had never understood what I saw in Mr. X. A year ago (this weekend) Mr. Fabulous and I were out where Mr. X showed up. That weekend he text me that he had flubbed up, he was an ass, he was wrong, and he knew he had lost the best thing. He showered me with the words I wanted to hear (except a real apology), and begged me to take him back. He said he knew he needed therapy, that he didn’t want to be alone, that I was “the one”.
“You won’t be satisfied with just living together. I think we should get married”
I lapped it up. I ended things immediately with Mr. Fabulous, and Mr. X and I started to make our plans, although I was really the only one planning. Since we were blending 2 homes under the verbal agreement we would not stay in his home for long, I gave everything away. Everything but my bedroom set. I moved in, and started to make his environment, our home. I was so happy, yet had reservations given the little warning signs going off (double standards with his son and my own), and having to invite the ex-wife to our wedding b/c they were friends…but I went along with it. After all, he was going to couples therapy with me although he rarely spoke, and when he did, he always somehow managed to manipulate the session to be MY fault for things going wrong.
I resented his hoarding as I’m very organized and tidy. He kept garbage bags of his 2nd ex’s clothes for 3-years and when I suggested he give them to a charity, he turned around and yelled at me asking how I would like it if someone gave my clothes away. Um….my clothes are hung up in a closet, and I wear them…..if she didn’t want them for 3+ years, why hold on to them? Why hold on to the sex toys in a box in the basement. Why hold on to the cat litter pan from a cat that had been gone for years? Why keep old boxes in the basement where there was only a path made from the garbage down there??? I didn’t understand it but again, it was always my issue, my problem, my drama.
Well, he ended up being too cheap to file for divorce (he was very cheap with every aspect of life and although he paid the rental bill, I paid for our evenings out, contributed with the groceries, etc). So our wedding ended up being a commitment ceremony. My family had warned me about him after the 2 times I had left, the non-stop complaints I had, but I didn’t listen and I couldn’t tell anyone.
Within the month after the ceremony, he would no longer go to therapy, despite mounting problems: he continued to financially support the ex even though their 2-children were adults. As the months drew into this past winter, I started to sink lower. I lost motivation not wanting to cook, clean, or do laundry for someone who couldn’t even compliment me, or think about my feelings. Come to think of it, he has never said “I love you” this year (as of May 13th 2014).
He started further shutting down with my daily presence in the home. He wouldn’t even acknowledge me when he came home from work. He would ask me to “take it in the other room” if I came home with parcels, looking thru them in the same room he was sitting in. He didn’t like the noise. He didn’t want to go out anywhere, or do anything. When he did go out, he would hold my hand, and not say a word to anyone anymore. His friend told me he suffered seasonal affective disorder and shut down during winter. After +3years together I knew this, but didn’t know the extent. So I took him to the tropics for a week in January where he woke ME up at 4:00AM to yell at me that he couldn’t sleep. Then he completely ignored me for almost 48 hours, but then acted like nothing had happened. While he would be lying in bed in our hotel room, I would tiptoe around him to try and get ready to go out and eat, and spent my evenings on the balcony with my book soas not to upset or disturb him. This was my holiday too!
When we got back, I got very ill and ended up in and out of the hospital. He never asked me how I was feeling, and in fact asked me to sleep in the other room. I drove myself to the hospital or had my geriatric mother take me. I couldn’t eat, and ended up skin and bones although for some strange reason in anger he called me a fat flat-assed deadbeat. When I started feeling better, I decided to go on strike. I stopped cleaning the house (he’s a hoarder), stopped making dinners, and stopped doing his laundry which ended up all over our living room in piles where he would come down from a shower to pick out a pair of underwear.
By March of this year, I begged him to go back to therapy with me but he declined saying he was done with the loop – the only one going round in the same circles was him! He suggested I move to be with my son who needed me, and he would focus on his son who needed him. Why we couldn’t do this together, I’ll never understand, and I took great insult to his suggestion, but I thought perhaps that could work. When I thought more about it, I realized he would be getting exactly what he wanted again – a weekend maid with benefits but I agreed, and it’s amazing how his happy go lucky verve came back. I knew in my heart that once I left, it would be for good. I know myself worth…enough said. But I kept quiet, and continued to act as his wife. His sexual interests were getting stranger, and he was requesting things of me that I had no interest in, but for some things, I played along for the experience. Other’s insulted my very being, and I dodged those requests.
The same month, I also found bills from his 2nd ex that he was still paying although she had been married the previous year. I also learned he was paying for his “ex” wife’s legal feels (real winner she was getting into trouble and he always bailing her out). He would get angry at me for needing things myself, not taking into consideration I was self sufficient, contributed, and paid my own ex husband child support. Then I found out he was not only paying for her lawyer, but attending court with her for emotional support while leaving me on my own in the emergency room on morphine! That was all I needed to convince me this was the end.
Leading up to my move, I repeatedly tried to talk to him and tell him that I couldn’t be a weekend wife or a bed buddy. He would get coy, smile and tell me that I would, and I would love it. I would just shake my head and not let him see how hurt I was. After all, by this time, I knew he wasn’t human. He had no regard for my emotions, thoughts, feelings, or needs. It was all about him.
I left 2-weeks ago. He helped me move, and it was good. I even returned that weekend so we could go to dinner, but I reiterated I would not be a weekend bed buddy. The next day, he wouldn’t respond to my texts, and the day after that he deleted me from virtual existence. I had left boxes of memories, and some other items he told me not to worry about, but when I tried to contact him to tell him I would like them I would get no response. Last weekend I text him to tell him I was coming over. When I arrived, he had changed the locks! The car wasn’t parked in the garage, but I had a key so I went in. He was sitting at his computer. I got my mail, and wanted to have a chat, but I was met with verbal abuse, calling me every name in the book and telling me to get out. He’s since deleted his friend of +30 years as well for no apparent reason.
I am dumb-founded. I gave my heart and soul to this man. I did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted only to end up being treated worse than a stray dog. I’ve been discarded like trash and I don’t even have the words. I tried to be non-judgemental. I held my tongue on most things and smiled. I’m very thankful for this site. I’ve been reading allot. I know my questions will never be answered, but I still have them and, although I know I made the very best decision for me, I will always love him, even though he never deserved my love. But my God does this hurt. I can barely eat, or sleep. I can’t focus. I’m still trying to be present at my job, be a mother to my son, and not let people know how I feel, but I don’t know how much longer I can maintain this charade. I am humiliated, embarrassed, and feel worthless, and discarded.
@PR
That is great to hear that you are going back to school. I am really happy to hear that. I don’t know, you may have to soon change your name to Phoenix Risen. Best of luck, although I’m sure your success will come from your skill and caring rather than luck . AGPT
Thank you AGPT 😃
I don’t know where my studies will eventually lead but, I am willing to be open to whatever. I have a curious mind so, I like a challenge. Doing my Soc’s diploma gave me the confidence & knowledge so, from that I took the lesson that, I can do this 😃
This site gave me great faith that there are truly wonderful people out there & not just parasites. Once you get ‘clear’ of the trauma, the gift of ones self is the reward.
If you ever get down here to Melbourne, let me know & we’ll toast our freedom. That goes to anyone here reading this?
I have a good quote & I will post it tomorrow re empathy.
Just take care & be happy AGPT, nothing can stop us now, we overcame a devil so, nothing to fear anymore 😃
Love does conquer all & we are loved by many 😃
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
well here I am again back in the same place as a few months ago…it seems to cycle and intensify when I am in pain or fear….like he wasn’t so bad and if I can say just the right words at the right time he will hear me….his ex who I like a lot …told me just call him maybe he will be in a good place and be nice to you…..are you shitting me? she knows nothing about how socio mind works…….also my mind tells me since I left most of the whole household and furniture to him ..that I deserve to get back some of the items I accidently left there when I have to move quickly out to escape his wrath…..BUT then I remember…assess, seduce and ruin and know in my heart that he would love to know how I am hurt physically and am living at 40% less than the poverty line in income. SO I still keep NO CONTACT and do something nice and fun for myself and I realize that my best revenge is to have a great life and I changed one of my passwords to imagoddess…..read the stories here, go out with friends….laugh and be silly and we will be triumphant….I love myself and that is something he cannot do …but only hurt people…this will be his 5th divorce. What a lying loser
This is so true…. about the best revenge is living well. Otherwise you punish yourself, for their mistakes 😦
Hiya Pos my Lioness 🙂
The light get’s dimmed but, never extinguished & it is up to us to reignite that light 🙂
Remember my Soc was a Fireman & even he couldn’t put out my fire!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Ive been married to a sociopath(recently discovered that he is) for 7 years. My marriage has been up and down. I was always the reason why he cheated, it was always my fault. He was the victim and I the problem. When a sociopath “loves you” you feel like your flying but when they discard you you feel like your whole world is falling apart. You question yourself?? Was I really what he said I was?? Maybe if i tried harder, been what he wanted he would still love me. After 7 years of being cheated on blatantly i finally found the strenght to let go. Hes moved onto the next and “sooooo happy”. But ive been seeing a psycologist and have gained strenght and together my kid and i will move on and be ok… I have faith:-)
Well-done Karen.
You did nothing wrong, it was never about you as it is always about them. To them it’s just a game & I am glad you are free.
He will never be ‘happy’ it’s just a pretence & rest assured, the new lady will eventually be you!
I think of them as leeches, think of yours like one too. They suck you until they are fat & swollen & then fall off until they need another willing source of supply!
Thank goodness you are able to rebuild knowing you are no longer his supplier 😉
Be happy & have a wonderful life 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@Raven
Please stay strong. The first couple of months are the toughest. At that point, It is hard to reconcile your still remaining feelings of love with their actions that caused you to leave. Logically, you know their actions don’t display love but you still miss them. You know you are better off without them but your heart still aches for them. This is natural.
Full no contact will give you the time and distance to come back to your center and regain your psychic energy. I did not realize just how drained I was until a few months out. I know it is hard but you have to do away with all links to the soc, including shared email accounts. Contact in any form just rips the cover off the wounds and prevents healing. In the beginning, your mind will focus on them but gradually the thoughts will be easier to turn towards other things.
If religious or spiritual at all ,ask for grace and strength from your higher power. I am not highly religious but using some prayer beads and asking god for strength, courage and protection for 50 times in a row often helped me in those early days. This site can also serve as a source of strength.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you during this trying time. Again, please stay strong and try to remember “that this too shall pass”. Lots of love. AGPT
AGPT – You’ve been my strength today… you and POS – And yes, I have to believe that God has a higher purpose for me, cause honestly, there have been several points I have been ready to just give up… I couldn’t ever just kill myself out right – but I have wished he would just take me… cause it just hurts… I mean – why are we the ones auffering so badly… he’s out partying already, he’s already got his new victim – of course to OUR friends – I hear how he misses me so much, and how he loved me so much – yeah right! I can’t even talk to anyone but my mom and my therapist an my best friends on the phone or in person… I have to text or email everyone else or I start leaking. I’m pathetic.
But dang I’m not staying this way. Somehow, I’m getting better. I think maybe POS was on to something morning… with the PTSD thing… I thought I had his number blocked… but he called today and I had my Bluetooth on and answered and it was him…apparently when my phone updated, it took off the block…I did ok on the phone… even if I was a little short… but as soon as I hung up on him – something I NEVER did before. I think that is one of the worst things someone can do to a person – I started shaking and I didn’t cry at first… but I got all manic – completely ignoring the whole phone call going on like it didn’t happen… finished what I was doing and then just told my friend what he wanted. We went and ran an errand then went to dinner – then some stupid song came on while we were waiting for our food and I just burst into tears.
Anyway… we’ll see what my counselor thinks….
I’m so tired of the roller coaster… ugh.
But thank you so much for showing me that there is hope. I love you all for being here. I can only hope that some day I can return the favor.
Hi Raven
You know you give me hope also. You demonstrate the power of the human spirit. The power to continue on in the face of adversity. Yes even forcing yourself out of bed when you’d rather just curl up into a ball is a demonstration of courage in the face of adversity. You get to the top of a mountain not by jumping but through one step at a time. Just keep taking those steps one day at a time. When you feel you can’t take anymore ask God for strength and take another step.
On a different note. Avast has a free antivirus program for smartphones that comes with a very good and customizable call blocker, can even block all unknown numbers. The main app keeps my phone virus free and the call blocker keeps my life virus free. 🙂
Stay strong Raven! Sending lots of love your way. AGPT
AGPT… that’s really powerful coming from you… I can tell you how many times I have broken down, just today… I want to be all better… now!!! I feel so very hurt and angry and all those things… then I feel like I’m starting almost all over again… almost ready to scrap it all… but since I’ve found ya’ll, I feel more and more angry and I really do understand more. So thank you for your constant support and love and advice. Thank you so much!!!!
*hugs and love *
Raven*
I had no romance related stories regarding sociopaths to share, but do have 2 “friendships” examples to share. The first one had driven such a deep wedge into my psyche that I became much more vigilant in the second (and forever more), even though externally I have not yet revamped the demeanor and actions that kept attracting these pile of **** to me so an initial bond still formed.
This man was smart, he utilized a “normal” female friend of his as his trap. This woman was outwardly “kind” and “caring”, felt like an empathetic person, but kept speaking on his behalf, explaining away his bad actions, vouching for his character and bringing new victims to him (or otherwise introduce him to new feeding grounds). God I hate her. So much. Without her, I’m sure, less people would have fallen for his ruse.
This man began the “relationship” by being vouched for by that horrible woman (it was a project to be worked on by a team), and soon he started the seducing crap that many of the posters here have described. Lots of attention in the form of phone calls, mirroring in the form of regurgitating what you said to him some time later and (ostensibly) copying your values and attitude. He heaps flattery after flattery on me in private even though in public he could not let go of the spotlight for one second. He was extremely sticky as if he were a piece of gum stuck in hair, and attempted to follow me around like a super pest.
He used the word “friend” way too early, and while “confident” and a great orator, if you listen intently you would find that he talked only about himself. He wanted to override my and other people’s wills and decisions at every turn. Often for the most nonsense reasons. I don’t want to go into unnecessary details too much, so I’ll just say that from my first experience I’ve learned to use reciprocity as a preliminary filter for dangerous people. This means that whatever he thought was “okay” to “ask” me, to “do” to me, I selectively repeat in kind a few of them and observe his reactions. The result? major double standards. For example, as sociopaths love to collect private information of you to use against you later, this pile of **** did exactly that. A true gossip, he came close and probed whether I “fancied” so and so on the team (like that’s any of his business) smiles all heaped up on his ***tty face, I replied calmly that there is no such interest and asked him the same question about a female member, he was flabbergasted. I will stop there. But there were many such instances.
He liked to show that he has a lot of money, and do spend lavishly on himself but if one pays close attention one can only deduce that he doesn’t have money. Not only that, strangely, he has no sense about how stingy he appears to people. He lives with his “mother” and shares the living space with his sister, who he claimed is still attending K12. He (supposedly long graduated from college) actually boasted once about publicly harassing her because he suspected that she had taken from her a small sum of money from him. That and the fact after heaps of flattery and mirroring and “you are my first true friend” “you are the only person who understand me” kind of crap, he hits you up to borrow money — a lot more than the amount he claimed to have triggered him to harass his sister in public, too.
There’s really way to much I want to complain about. The predatory relationship was ended by me before he could do serious damage but it feels like the nasty taste lingers in the mouth even after the spoiled food is long forced out. And it is obvious that the two will go on to hurt more people….just the way it is.
My impression of the crap duo would not have been so extremely bad had him not tried to physically hurt me. The audacity and boldness of the plan was —-amazing!! amazingly disgusting that is. The day the project ended I immediately backed out of the next phase, secretly happy that there was to be no more reason to ever hear from him again. Immediately that night, my phone, which was carelessly left on silent, showed over 10 un-aswered calls within a span of two hours, from him. And just what could be so urgent? The last phone call, which was recorded from my side, showed this man repeatedly tried to persuade me to go to his hotel room under false pretenses. Now, the country where I’m resided in currently, an invitation to hotel —any hotel is culturally understood as an invitation for sex. But this man pleaded, and threatened, cooed and guilt-tripped over and over trying to insist that such is not the case because he is just like a child.
“I’m simple minded just like a child, you needn’t suspect me”
“I’m simple minded like a child, why won’t you trust me?”
“you are making me sad”
And I “must” go there and furthermore it “must” be at night because, he just had to personally show how great the furniture are to me – this is a president’s suite from a five star hotel he pitched, and another chance won’t come in years. “As I am here celebrating, I realize loneliness is not my true calling. I really want to share this joy with you” “I don’t even know when I will ever see you again now that the project ended” “I know you, I know you would think that I have no ill intentions” “you’re my first true friend” “I learn so much from you, really you must come”
The whole thing was so retarded, so un-expected and out there that I doubted what I had heard at first. Could it be real? Nevertheless I had decided on a personal boundary way back with him, so the invitation was declined. Still, it bothered me, was he being retarded or was he actually scheming against me? Is there really another possible interpretation to inviting a member of the opposite sex over at night? Even though I knew he was fishy, somehow the doubts just popped up anyways, and to find answers I actually went and surveyed my friends and strangers alike. And the response was of course………..an overwhelming NO, there is only one possible interpretation, I was the one who sounded retarded for even having to ask about it.
I don’t know – I just abhor people like this who see kindness and a trusting nature as weakness to exploit. I could not believe that anyone would be so audacious to use such crude lies, to plan to hurt another who has done nothing to him, and even helped him on occasions. ……….even though the episode has ended, it is just still reeling in my mind how can someone be so disgusting.
btw he managed to fool a couple people already……including a university professor — with the help of his female sidekick of course. His credentials are full of so many holes and some sounded just like pure gas seriously. It’s a wonder how far he will be able to take these people, but I won’t be able to worry about that now as I have blocked him entirely and those currently under a sociopath’s influence are known to be some of the least receptive people, and ultimately might just have to walk the path personally once to see for themselves.
AGPT – Thanks so much – This has been such a rough week… but it has really helped solidify my knowledge that I can never go back… I had lunch earlier this week with some very close friends of mine who also are in a circle of friends where they still see him… and when I broke down telling them of those last few horrible days and how broken and lost I feel… the lady of the couple is so close, I cannot hide anything from her any way… – they did remark how he had never said anything bad about me, and I have to say I started to feel a little bad for telling the truth about him… granted only on here and only to my mother and to my counselor. Even my two friends who moved me out of the house do not know the full truth of what I went through. I just can’t bear the looks of sympathy and the pain it causes my best friend as she and I are as close as sisters.
But then to find out that of our friends that he believes I no longer have contact with, he is telling them that ~I~ am the sociopath and that he got rid of me… and other horrible things that I don’t need to put here… you’ve all been through it… you can imagine. How is it he can still hurt me soooo badly? I don’t have anything left to give up to him. I’ve been gone 2 months and 3 weeks now…. why does it still hurt soooo much… and why???
I thought I was doing better.. I know he will never acknowledge what he did to me. I just hate being so alone and having to go through this all alone. That is why I was so excited to find ya’ll. To know that someone does understand.
I know this is going to be a long process. Thanks for letting me tag along with ya’ll.
Next week I am going on a big campout. Supposedly he’s going to be there with his new victim. However there’s about 50 people who aren’t going to be very happy to see him, and are going to be running interference for me… so hopefully I’ll never see him and will have a good energizing trip.
Then I had an offer from an old friend who recently lost his girlfriend to a long illness – to fly me out in a couple weeks as one of our favorite bands is playing in the town where his parents are and we both need some music… we both need some music and light… and I’m seriously thinking I’ll go. I don’t feel like doing anything but laying in bed. But I have a struggling business I’m trying to get stock ready for, mom needs me… and I know there are things I still enjoy… I just have to keep doing them until I enjoy them again.
I’m sorry I’m rambling again tonight… thanks for being here.
Everybody….just know that it gets better. I have caught myself smiling a lot over the last couple of weeks. I have had days like this but haven’t felt happy for a couple of weeks for a long time, perhaps when I first met my ex. It has been a long road to get to this point.
You must ween yourself of these people. It isn’t easy to do, trust me. I have taken many steps backwards after going forward. I still think about him and wonder what he is doing. I have times were my heart hurts. I think that is normal though after the relationships we have been in. Sadly, we have been broken and it takes a long time to heal from the abuse.
These people will never understand what they did wrong and, to them, you will always be the crazy one. It took a long time to accept that he thought of me this way BUT he is the only one who has ever thought this of me. I became increasingly frustrated within my relationship because of him and his actions but it was all part of a scheme to weaken me and play with my head to get what he wants. I will never be his source again and I am a lot stronger to be able to say no to him as I just have to remind myself of where I was when I was with him and the healing I have done since his betrayal.
Take time for yourself. Find something that makes you happy and stronger. Don’t expect miracles. It does take a very long time to move on. You are a victim of abuse but, more importantly, you are a survivor. You had the strength to get out of the relationship and find this website to help you heal, you will have the strength to move on. Just believe in yourself.
Thank you…. this means more than you can imagine… no actually you can… you’ve been here too.
Raven
@Raven.
Hang in there! Do you remember that old poster with the cat hanging onto the knot at the end of the rope, which says Hang in There? Be that cat!
Why does it hurt so much? My view is because it is a combination of kicking an addiction and going through a grieving process at the same. One alone is enough to bring someone low. The two together are enough to wreak chaos for awhile. Pos’ most recent post on betrayal offers a good starting point on some ways to bring a bit of psychic stability around.
I think getting out of town to visit your friend and get that much needed dose of music sounds like a great idea. That camping trip where he might be, not so much. If it was me, I am sure I would spend the whole time on edge keeping a lookout for the soc. Never mind, if she actually showed up. Not my idea of a relaxing weekend.
Someone who has the strength to run a business and has gotten their HD Tech certification in the past has the strength to prevail in this challenge. Don’t let the Bas****s win! Isn’t that an old poster too? Lots of Love AGPT
@PR
I only now just saw your post on Value Empathy, as I was not scrolling far enough down the page and the post was out of order. Thank you very much for sharing that. Sometimes, continuing to value empathy is hard to do after our experiences but totally agree it is what separates us from our cluster B’s.
Hope the reason I have not seen you in awhile is that you are packing your schoolbag and shining your shoes for your new education adventures. I will be traveling the next few weeks so may be sparse, as well. Lots of Love AGPT
Hiya AGPT 🙂
I am most certainly polishing my shoes 🙂
I am looking forward to this new chapter & I have been having the most amazing time since I truly ‘shifted gear’ into taking charge of myself 🙂
I love that you call them cluster B’s….hmmm Beelzebub, or B*#tards
Have fun travelling & stay well & happy & basically yourself 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
As Ex def said, everything will be better, just give it time, no contact , patience and please don’t jump to other relationship until you are strong enough to allow only” healthy” persons in your life….until then use this time to know yourself, and to respect and honor who you are…
Hi everyone….i am so glad I found this site. In 5 days will be 1 year since I left..what I am now calling ‘death by 1,000 paper cuts’.
What I value and need most is still empathy. thank you all for sharing as I identify..that we are going through an addition and grieving at the same time is so true. I still am obsessed with getting him served with divorce papers (sheriff has tried 4 times and returned papers) Last night I put a note in my pillow case with the words PRECIOUS and
WORTHY. His major crime was taking advantage of my good nature which is what they all do….today, I will love myself by focusing on being free, and pleasing myself…..there are hundreds of wild parrots where I live…..they will remind me to let my spirit soar each time i hear them…and that I don’t have to be in charge of the universe.
Just realized how the socio picks on dynamic, intelligent, attractive, self confident women to ruin….probably more of a challenge you think? Newbys stay strong and come here often, so I don”t forget what it was like before …love you all.
AGPT – Thank you so much for your kind words… I used to be invincible… I am a Leo afterall! 🙂 And you are right… but this camping trip… is over 3000 people… and I’ll be damned if I am going to let him chase me off from something I was doing before we even met! Yes, I will be watching over my shoulder… but I will be there… and while I have moved from the community most of the people I will be with are in… he has not… and he is not welcome around them. He will only be closing his own noose and he doesn’t even realize it. I cannot ever hope to actually get any kind of vengeance or satisfaction… but knowing that he will again have worn out his welcome in what he calls a circle of friends… while they would still happily welcome me in with open arms… I can get some small satisfaction in that. I won’t say that I wont spend much of the weekend crying in my tent… but I’ll be damned if I am going to let him chase me off.
Then I will get to go recharge with something that I will truly enjoy that will indeed bring my very broken spirit a bit of light and joy. Then hopefully I can come back and try to focus for our first show in September!
I used to be a really amazing person… I plan on being an ever better person again someday… thanks to all ya’ll… I think I may actually make it sooner rather than later!!
Raven
Raven, you are still the amazing person you have always been 🙂
Your just suffer ring cognitive dissonance, trying to reconcile the good guy with the one he actually is.
Me & Pos are Leo’s too 🙂
Let your inner Lioness Roar, & be the goddess you are 🙂
From one kitty to another,
Purrr PR xoxo
Nothing sadder than when a lions light goes out….. but no light shines brighter than a lion light…. I know when i feel good, it feels like the sun is shining, whether it is or not. Leos give energy away for free anyway (and can’t understand why everybody doesn’t it’s free why not you can always give more) – but this can, sometimes leave you feeling drained if you get to meet an energy vampire….
@PR
Stiiiiiill not cognitive dissonance >.>
PR – You rock! Thank you sooo much!! I couldn’t have made it through today with out all ya’ll! I may be typing through tears tonight… well, this morning… but I know I am stronger today than I was yesterday… I know that I will not let his pain defeat me. I am bigger and badder than he will ever be. I may need to let my paws heal… But I will be stronger for it. And just like the lion in the wild knows which battles to fight… that one just isn’t worth it anymore…
ok… so maybe that didn’t exactly make sense, but it’s ok… it’s after 4 am and I’m still up LOL
Thanks! And big HUGS
Raven
Hey Raven stop speaking in the past tense. You sound like you are still an amazing person. Remember what Pos said in her recent article . What they did defines them not you.
I can already see in your writings that there are some red hot glowing embers ready to respark your enthusiasm. Stay strong and focused on you. Lots of Love AGPT
PR – Thank you.. I guess ya’ll could tell I was really hurting last night… It has been such a hard week. I am actually looking forward to the next couple weeks…in a weird way… I don’t have the same excitement… but I am looking for the moments that I know I will enjoy… I know there is going to be pain… but after the last 5 years, at least I know it can’t be that bad- although – honestly sometimes its worse…
and again.. I know this is going to sound crazy… but at least when he got done with his outbursts, I’d have that great guy I fell in love with to take care of me (not really) for a while… now it’s just me. And there’s not much to me… but I’m trying. With ya’ll and my counselor and my mom, and my friend that I’m living with… it’s just time.
I’ll stay in touch and let ya’ll know how it’s going…
Raven
Raven 🙂
Trust in this, it does get better but, takes time & it’s early days for you.
Keep busy & stay here or wherever you feel connected & remember you are never alone, ever 🙂
Feel, Deal & Heal…..I read that somewhere & it’s true.
Feel the pain :(, Deal with it as gently as you can & then find ways to heal it 🙂
Be brave & love yourself, we know you can do it 🙂
Roar…..purr & meow 😉
PR xoxox
LA – I am so sorry for both of us… and please do find a counselor… I have one,,, and I’m taking my results… my life has been such a nightmare as I’m sure you know… and my soc has a complete collection of his victims. He was in a job that he had to travel for 20 years but only stayed for about 4-6 weeks in any one place… never more than 3 months or so… so he does have a very large collection of women who at best only briefly saw that ugly side and then were convinced it was their fault.
On some level… and from friends who have known him all his life… he apparently did TRY to change with me… or maybe I was the first with a real life and it just took him longer to fuck me up… but now that I am free… it is the same pattern, the same behavior and he already has his next victim.
Please hold on to what little there is left of you inside of you…nurture her and take care of her… and find joy in the little things… I know we can get through this.
It just sucks.
Raven
My biggest issue now isn’t really dealing with him (although pangs of regret, shame, and sadness still occur regularly) but now my biggest problem lies between his mother, grandmother and I. I go to the same church as them, and today was my first day back in a year. And while others (those that truly know me and sympathize) were hugging me and welcoming me back, I received the cold shoulder from them, especially his mother. They look down on me as if I am to blame for all the “heartache” he (my sociopathic ex) has been through, and according to the grandmother he is still “hurt”. Which I know to be false because he has already moved on to his next victim. They blame him for nothing, especially his mother (who I happen to believe is a sociopath as well). I believe he has told them many lies about me, and this has led to them hating me. The grandmother is just better at containing her dislike for me. Maybe I read too much into things, but I don’t know what else to do. I find it very difficult now to go into church and I feel uncomfortable. I don’t know how to look past what they think of me and just focus on the sermon. I feel like they think I don’t belong there. To me, they come off as very “high and mighty Christians” and I feel as if they think I am beneath them. Do you have any advice for me? I couldn’t deal with a sociopathic boyfriend, let alone a sociopath’s sociopathic mother.
Hi Taylor 🙂
His Mother & Grandmother are his followers & enablers & this will never change as they always have been.
You are no more or no less than them, they are just deluded people who have listened to the Soc’s ‘pity party’ & joined in.
Hold your head up high, they cannot affect you if you don’t allow it.
You decide whether their opinion of you matters, you perceive your world, not them.
Do affirmations before you attend church & during etc…stay with friends & keep focusing on yourself 🙂
You can do this & use your faith now for your greatest strength, after-all that’s why you go to church isn’t it 🙂 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxox
Thank you so much. I realize that I cant change other’s opinions of me. And that I need to stop being so hard on myself and stop believing heir opinion of me. Especially when they themselves are being lied to by him.
Something else I am struggling with, he has moved on to a new victim and it’s as if I never existed. He’s played the victim card and acted as if I was the one who did all the damage to him. I can’t help but feel jealous of this new relationship because of all the promises he made me. One side of me knows that this thing with his new victim won’t last long and she’ll find out the truth about him, but the other side of me misses the person I thought he was and is jealous that she gets to enjoy it while it lasts. I don’t know how to move past him and live a life that is void of anything concerning him.
As difficult as it is, keep going to church. I believe that many sociopaths use the religion image. One day they might stop going. Just push on and don’t let their rudeness stop you. Don’t let the spath win.
@Lyss,
I don’t really care what the terminology is other than what I have found in an article.
The fact remains that people struggle to reconcile or rationalise or understand someone that ‘splits’ from one person to another when it suits them.
Regardless of the label, treating someone with disdain that you profess to love 5mins beforehand , leaves people bewildered, hurt & shocked.
I don’t know about you but, whatever you want to name the trauma, it is what it is & thats cruel & sadistic.
PR
@PR
I’m jus’ saying, wouldn’t you rather know what you’re actually talking about before throwing random terms around? I know I would >.>
I have found, however, that in these cases where people ‘treat someone with disdain that you profess to love 5mins beforehand’ do have a valid reason for leaving, and there is a fair bit of warning as well.
Hi Lyss,
Here’s a link to just one of many articles in regard to cognitive dissonance & bad relationships.
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/the-place-of-cognitive-dissonance-in.html
Oh & the reason the disordered mind, i.e. a Socio/Narc/whatever….leave is usually due to boredom or having another source of supply to utilise or basically because they have the emotional maturity of a 6 year old ( according to another study I read).
They are shallow & cannot maintain long term relationships with anyone, hence the fact they have a long list of broken marriages & relationships in general.
Oh & I am sure if you consult a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist they will clarify all of the above for you.
Me, I am just a layman & survivor, who did not get discarded but, chose to extricate myself from an abuser! Free & happy 🙂
Just saying…..Cheers PR
@PR
Lel, that article holds no scientific value. It’s not even a proper article. It’s a blog. It gives an incorrect definition of cognitive dissonance, followed by a somewhat more correct one, followed by an incorrect example.
A sociopath will become interested in someone because they seem interesting to begin with. If they leave from boredom, it means you’re the one that has become boring. They want the person they came for, not a two-dimensional robot. Why is that the sociopath’s fault?
And as for the ‘other source of supply’ I see those terms a lot on this site. It frustrates me slightly, as the supply you originally give would either be your personality (in which refer to the boredom point above), or materialistic, and if it is the latter case, the ‘victim’ is a fool for not being able to see the trickery in the first place.
‘Cannot maintain long term relationships with anyone’ do you mean that literally, as in it is impossible, or..?
Also, something that I mean to inquire about a long long time ago, you do realise it’s spelled ‘phoenix’ not ‘pheonix’, right?
@PR
Please remember NMI’s advice to us during the early April dust up. Let’s choose not to engage.
I don’t grasp the value of allowing these victim blaming tirades by a sociopath on a website devoted to healing and recovery but I can choose to tune out and not rise to the bait.
Lots of Love AGPT
@agoodplantoday
Sigh, I’m not choosing to engage either. I don’t want a fight to start out, I just want my questions answered, fair?
I’m not even trying to bait anyone into getting angry or anything, this is honestly just how I see it, as I do feel I have more of an insight into a sociopaths mind being one myself.
It actually makes me quite sad, that I wake up hoping to find some answers and I’m left with someone assuming I’m bad and want to do something bad because of a label. And no, that’s not me trying to play on your guilt or whatever, as I am completely aware that I’m not going to be given your empathy plainly because you don’t like what I am. Again, I just want some questions answered. Yeah, I can be a smartass and I can be blunt, but that’s just how I speak, there’s no rudeness that’s actually meant to come out of it.
I must have missed the question. What answers do you want lyss?
I also understand that your bluntness is part of who you are and do not judge you for this. This is my site. I don’t judge anyone (pretty much although I cant relate to child abusers at all) apart from this I can relate to most people I hope without judgement. Nobody else is admin or runs this site apart from me.
@positivagirl
It confuses me as to why people play victim and completely blame the other person, then go on to say that it’s the sociopath that is the childish/selfish/narcissistic one.
I’ll give a personal experience as an example.
There was a girl, not too long ago, who clung to me like a bloody child. I didn’t invite her to be my friend, I never even talked to her for more than about 2 minutes. But still, she clung. I was chill with this for a long time, basically if you don’t annoy me I won’t hurt you, something something. After about half a year of being apparent best friends in her mind, she began to get irritated with me. I never wanted to go out, I just wanted to stay indoors and play video games. I was always too blunt with her. And the list goes on. She blamed me and wouldn’t talk to me for a while. This got me rather mad, not the fact that she wouldn’t talk to me, because honestly I couldn’t care less if she jumped off a bridge, but because I was consistent. When she first talked to me, I didn’t invite her in. She was aware I was blunt, asocial, and extremely aloof. Yet she clung on by her own will, then attempted to change me.
Months later, she decided to come crawling back, I was honestly sick of her by this pint, she was a nuisance. Now, this girl, she was a complete typical first world teenager. Always on her phone, spent way too much time and money shopping for clothes and makeup, gossiped about everyone. I became sick of her boring personality as all she would talk about is who she hates and what guys’ dicks she wanted, and constantly called me a nerd/freak because of my own personality. So, I made this more clear by being much less lenient. She would ask a dumb question, I’d tell her to shut up before she sounds more stupid, instead of the old just telling her it was a dumb question. I told her out rightly I don’t like her, yet she continued to attempt to cling for many months.
We’re not talking now, pretty sure she hates me (and that’s the way I like it) but she plays victim and says it was all me. She clung onto me, she tried to change me, she had the boring as all hell personality, she didn’t listen to me when I bluntly TOLD her to fuck ff, yet it’s all my fault because I’m a sociopath.. And then people say the sociopath is the childish one who can’t take blame?
That was the question which was going to come out of my cut short conversation with PR.
Second question, much shorter don’t worry, I’ve seen people say many a time, if someone has no guilt then there’s nothing stopping them from doing horrible things like murder and rape, they’re dangerous, they’re all going to do it blah blah.
If your guilt is seriously the only thing stopping you from doing bad things, doesn’t that make YOU the made person..?
And the third thing, I posted on here a while ago a bunch of lyrics and a question that came with it, and people had said they would reply to it in the soon future, yet no one did. Would you mind..? It’s still biting on my mind.
With regard to your ex friend, I have an important question, why do you care what your ex friend thinks or feels or what she is saying about you? Does it bother you? If it doesn’t I just wondered why you asked the question? I didn’t think that sociopaths cared too much. When it is gone, they move on.
I wouldn’t say that guilt would be the only thing that would stop me commiting murder. I just wouldn’t do it. I think that this wouldn’t be to do with guilt, but to do with conscience. This is different to gult. Conscience is what stops you from doing something (not that I would want to murder someone anyway) – with sociopaths I would say that it is more the fear of being caught than guilt. Guilt would come afterwards – and I wouldn’t say that would be an issue. Not being caught would be important, as if you were you would end up in jail – and that would be dull as hell, I have heard from quite a few sociopaths who said that jail was the worst thing in the world, as they lost their freedom and were BORED…. and boredom isn’t something that you tolerate well.
I don’t think that guilt would ever stop you doing anything, conscience would. Sociopaths or at least psychopaths do not have a conscience, this means that you don’t feel bad about actions either before or after the event (or during I would imagine). You would only feel bad, if that action was to affect your life.
Lack of conscience is a big one, and the biggest one I think of all. It is bigger than lack of guilt. As guilt should come after the event. Conscience should kick in before you do something that would hurt someone else.
I don’t know about the lyrics? I would have to find them, am not sure where they are.
@positivagirl
There are so many spelling errors, so sorry TT that’s what you get for writing this damn early in the morning.
*doesn’t that make YOU the made person..? was meant to be bad person. Oops.
If you find any other errors that made what I said make absolutely no sense (you probably will) let me know, I’ll attempt to rephrase when I’m a little more awake.
@positivagirl
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I don’t care what she thinks at all. I was just frustrated as I’d get phone calls from her every night interrupting my personal time to rant about people in her life when I honestly didn’t care, and if I wouldn’t pick up I would hear crap from her the following day when I saw her. And I was merely using it as an example to prove my point.
It is true that when it is gone, a sociopath moves on, yet I am still forced to see this nuisance of a human being 5 days a week, and I listen to her be her pathetic self to other people, and I see the look on other people’s faces, as if to say ‘help me please’. She’s one of those girls who seems to think everyone loves her, that she can make anyone like her, so I told her the truth. People come up to me all the time and tell me how to get rid of her. Not a single person I know likes her, and I told her so. I told her she was delusional to think that anyone would like a superficial personality like hers.
Another reason why it still slightly bugs me, is the fact that she now tells everyone I’m a heartless bitch. Note I said slightly, as I do not care what people think of me, but it’s rather distracting hearing your name every five seconds then having people come up and ask you questions about what I did to make her oh so broken.
Is conscience not just the ability to tell right from wrong?
I would say I wouldn’t murder someone because it would be a whole lot of work for nothing, it’d be pointless, I’d gain nothing from it aside from sadistic relief, and then, as you said, I would either have to put in extra effort to hide what I have done, to which I honestly cannot be bothered, or I’d go to jail, and then my Wi-Fi would be taken away 😥
Copy and paste from the post with the lyrics:
On another note.
I’ve recently looked over some old songs of mine, and looked deeper into the lyrics. I found something that stood out to me in quite a few songs. Can only remember two songs as of the moment.
Lean on Me (Bill Withers):
Lean on me when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on
You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
I’ll be there for you (The Rembrandts):
No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with
Someone I’ll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I’m best with you, Yeah!
I’ll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I’ll be there for you
(Like I’ve been there before)
I’ll be there for you
(‘Cause you’re there for me too)
The lyrics are showing selfishness, the kind you all seem to contribute to sociopathy. But yet, it is obvious these songs are not written by those who are sociopaths, and have just as much empathy. Being there for someone, just so when you have a bad time they’re obliged to do the same? Is that not what was brought up in another conversation, and someone replied doing exactly that was selfish and shows no empathy and that you’re only self-serving?
This double standard frustrates me…
Lyss hello, you made a remark in a reply to another poster about how it is not the sociopath’s fault he leaves because “They want the person they came for, not a two-dimensional robot. Why is that the sociopath’s fault?” Well it is definitely the sociopath’s “fault” because no one else but him knew they were in a game. And the nature of that game involves destroying the other person’s individuality and self-worth to claim the final victory. The sociopath was the one who progressively sought after preys. He started a game and kept that secret to himself. The one who initiated takes all the blame to me.
And that woman who clung to you, while I understand it was only an example you used to illustrate something else, I think she is the one with all the problems. Your description of how she consistently wants to change you are major red flags. I think you did good blocking someone who believe they are so much smarter than you and therefore entitled to rewrite your reality for you. Spreading gossip to others about you being a bad person just because you would not yield to her wishes is an even worse underhanded action.
But not everyone is gifted like you who can see things clearly from the very beginning. Some are overjoyed to have this kind of attention from that girl, for example. They may see the attempts to be controlling as a form of love and trust. And those who seek to control always have an agenda (the nature of which is unknown to you) with them. When the truth is revealed as the girl gets bored or otherwise gets exposed, those who were ensnared by her will feel betrayed and shamed. I got the impression that this site is more for victims who unsuccessfully saw through predatory attempts to offer each other support, and less for people who were luckier (mentally stronger etc) and deflected the predatory attempts. Have you considered that your questioning coming from a superior position might feel like rubbing salt in other people’s wounds? and perhaps that a support group’s functions are primarily in offering support to victims and not as much as yahoo answers? just some thoughts for you to consider, no offense intended.
Hi AGPT 🙂
Yes, I know & will not engage as Lyss is not constructive, just destructive.
I do no Pheonix is spelt incorrectly but, was unable to change & then decided PE…ON…EX was apt 🙂 :).
I actually wouldn’t Pee on a Socio if they were on fire 😉
Thanks AGPT & am tuning out 🙂
Love & Light to you always my friend 🙂
PR xoxo
Know not no! hahaha
I make typo’s all the time ;)….argh!
@PR
I’m destructive by Inquiring.
Ok. You’re what’s wrong with the world. I see that now. Not sociopaths. People like you.
My question is why the family members of the sociopath don’t feel it’s imperative to warn the new person. I almost married this fool and the whole time his family knew he was a sociopath. I remember plan as day the moment his first Rage happened and my utter shock at his behavior. It was unbelievable. Once he left, I recall the phone call with his sister and he statement to this wasn’t the first time she’s ever gotten this call and it won’t be the last. She was well aware of his Tantrums and was glad that he left and no one was harmed. The fact that she was so calm shocks me to this moment and to know that once his REAL face surfaced, he wasn’t able to control that side of him very long. Our saga played out for 2 months after that initial Rage before it was finally over. Or so I hope, because I have no desire to contact him ever. But I do question whether he’ll try to come back. But I can’t get past those that know his history, continue to cover up his truth.
Hi Sunni,
I had that with my Soc, his enablers & followers were amazing!
I was also warned in the beginning but, did not heed it until way too late.
My Soc had his adult children, his sister, his Policeman buddy & his Fireman buddies all cover for him….really unbelievable.
The one’s that did try & help me were always thwarted by his lies as, ‘they were just trying to stir up trouble for him for numerous reasons’, but, they were telling the truth all along!
There is a lot written about enablers & followers so, be happy you are not one of them anymore 🙂
The Soc loves a ‘Pity Party’ & these folk are just lied to & gamed as much as we were!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@Sunni
Because just as the people in the relationship do, the family still believes/wishes the sociopath can change.
There’s no changing. Ever. It’s a constant thing that both the sociopath and the people around them will have to deal with. But that’s not to say that it’s impossible to have a functional relationship with a sociopath, you just have to have the personality to fit in with them.
Maybe the family thought you might be someone who can do that, but clearly you were not. Not many people can, which is the exact reason this site was created – to comfort all those who cannot. I don’t mean to make that sound demeaning in the slightest; just a fact.
@Lyss…..LOL!!! I have someone in my life that rants and rants about her family. OMG I am over it. The only person that can fix it is herself but she doesn’t. I have heard it for about 5 years now. Now I just tell her what I think. I sympathise with her but at the same time, I am over her ranting all the time. She barely asks me about my life and how I am going. Even when she does, she turns the topic back to herself and it is like she doesn’t even listen to me. Truthfully, I think people need to be cruel to be kind sometimes. She also thinks that everybody loves her. She evens says things like “we have such an incredible bond” or “she/he thinks the absolute world of me” or “we are just like sisters”. She is a nice person but she doesn’t ever shut up. Omg, I am such a bitch but I have held this in for so long. Maybe I have a bit of Spath in me LOL.
@Ex Def an S
Introduce me and I’ll tell her for you? ;D
@Sunni……Yep, what Lyss has said is correct. I also think that some family members don’t feel it is their place to say anything as well. Maybe they think that they don’t want to cause any more problems or confusion.
Spot on Lyss, my Spath always made a point that he wanted me to “understand him” (or fit in with him). I tried my best and I actually did understand him a lot of the time but I will never understand his need to be unfaithful, lying or breaking the law. I also believe he wanted a polygamy marriage as he is muslim, which is something I would never permit or get my head around. Unfortunately he didn’t understand me either. So we weren’t a good match. I now know why he wanted me to understand him because he is very different. I always thought it was odd when he made comments like this as well as how the women in his office would say that he is a “complicated man”.
@pos,@pr,@lyss
The recent exchanges have gotten me thinking and now maybe it is my turn to rant
I am all for acceptance and trying not to be judgemental as a principle. However, I am also for self protection and self-preservation. Once those last two are covered then you are in a more secure and sustainable place in which to selectively provide for others’ needs. If I choose not to engage or hold a particular view it is generally for a thought through reason.
Perhaps, I believe this is because I scored pretty highly on the recent “How much of a sociopath are you” tests. Close to 60. That is not sociopath territory but not pure empath either. I have probably migrated down the scale over the years as the world kicked me in the teeth a few times and my own pain made me relate more to others pain and what they were going through. Yes, I guess I learned no man is an island. The most recent soc episode is my most recent learning lesson and probably won’t be my last.
The world is full of predators though and these predators don’t simply randomly select prey. Random selection would not be time or energy efficient. They search for certain character traits and vulnerabilities using honed techniques. Once they find what they are seeking they set to work systematically exploiting those vulnerabilities. Anyone who doubts there are people, whether naturally born or self made, that troll the world deliberately seeking certain character sets should read the famous book “Influence, The Psychology of Persuasion” by Professor Robert Cialdini. That will be an eye opener.
It is up to us to know what they are looking for and to know what vulnerabilities we possess that might let an unscrupulous operator use these traits against us. As part of understanding and coming to grips with my soc episode I read the book ” Who is pulling your strings? Breaking the cycle of manipulation.”by Harriett Braiker. In that book she details out exactly what manipulators are looking for and she provides lessons in self defense if you possess those traits. Fortunately, I didn’t possess too many of the traditionally played strings (so I probably won’t be a soc magnet ). However, most of those strings are generally on public display by highly empathic people. That is why repeat episodes are likely to occur. I am not so stupid though to think I possessed no playable strings, especially as I had been played. So I did a self examination and discovered amongst others,one of my vulnerabilities is a proclivity to want to rescue people. Whether this is due to altruism or more self-centered issues is something I am still examining.
Is it necessarily a wholly bad trait? No, but letting it be used by an unscrupulous skilled operator can be lethal. Will I never give or try to rescue someone ever again? Of course not. I will be much more circumspect and selective though before letting these inclinations out. I am a learning animal. I learned I have a potential chink in my armor and I will attempt to not let that chink be my mode of self-destruction. I guess what I am trying to say is that if I choose not to engage in certain discussions, it is not about lacking acceptance or being judgemental. It is about using the information and life experiences I have to try and protect myself. Once I am safe, then I am in a position to The recent exchanges have gotten me thinking and now maybe it is my turn to rant
I am all for acceptance but I am for self protection and self-preservation first. Once those first two are covered then you are in a more secure and sustainable place in which to provide for others’ needs. Perhaps I believe this is because I scored pretty highly on the recent “How much of a sociopath are you” tests. Close to 60. That is not sociopath territory but not pure empath either. I have probably migrated down the scale over the years as the world kicked me in the teeth a few times and my own pain made me relate more to others pain and what they were going through. Yes, I guess I learned no man is an island. The most recent soc episode is my most recent learning lesson and probably won’t be my last.
The world is full of predators though and these predators don’t simply randomly select prey. Random selection would not be time or energy efficient. They search for certain character traits and vulnerabilities using honed techniques. Once they find what they are seeking they set to work systematically exploiting those vulnerabilities. Anyone who doubts there are people, whether naturally born or self made, that troll the world deliberately seeking certain character sets should read the famous book “Influence, The Psychology of Persuasion” by Professor Robert Cialdini. That will be an eye opener.
It is up to us to know what they are looking for and to know what vulnerabilities we possess that might let an unscrupulous operator use these traits against us. As part of understanding and coming to grips with my soc episode I read the book ” Who is pulling your strings? Breaking the cycle of manipulation.”by Harriett Braiker. In that book she details out exactly what manipulators are looking for and she provides lessons in self defense if you possess those traits. Fortunately, I didn’t possess too many of the traditionally played strings (so I probably won’t be a soc magnet ). However, most of those strings are generally on public display by highly empathic people. That is why repeat episodes are likely to occur. I am not so stupid though to think I possessed no playable strings, especially as I had been played. So I did a self examination and discovered amongst others,one of my vulnerabilities is a proclivity to want to rescue people.
Is that necessarily a wholly bad trait? No, but letting it be used by an unscrupulous skilled operator can be lethal. Will I never give or try to rescue someone ever again? Of course not. I will be much more circumspect and selective though before letting these inclinations out. I am a learning animal. I learned I have a potential chink in my armor and I will attempt to not let that chink be my mode of self-destruction. I guess what I am trying to say is that if I choose not to engage in certain discussions, it is not about lacking acceptance. It is about using the information and life experiences I have gained to try and protect myself. Once I am safe, then I am in a position to give. I think this is akin to PR’s writings on love with boundaries .
Lots of Love AGPT.
Hi AGPT 🙂
Your post went on twice & I thought OMG!!! Wow, that’s a rant 😉
I actually did not see it as a rant but, very informative & helpful & honest.
I must get those books, your very well read 🙂
As you know, I only come here to heal & support & am basically not interested in debating my personal views regarding Sociopaths/narcissist’s & other disordered minds.
I don’t like the way they choose to live their lives & I never will.
We have all suffered at the hands of someone that thinks they have a right to subject us to their will & their feelings of self entitlement & selfishness, abuse etc…
I was a prime target as a person that emphasises with everyone as I see everyone as no more or less than myself, including the Socio.
I do however object to the behaviour that I & others have been subjected to, & feel this is worth standing up against.
I was saddened to read from some here that subjecting someone you may not like, to verbal abuse rather, than just withdrawing from the relationship altogether, would have been a more understanding way to deal with a person.
Rather than deliberately hurt them with ‘fuck off’ as it says more about you the annoyed person than the victim of the verbal abuse. I prefer to take the higher ground & would not berate another to get rid of them 😦 Just close the door & walk away, live & let live.
I would never contradict myself by speaking out about abuse & then abusing someone, I cannot fathom that argument?
I have learnt as you know, about healthy boundaries & myself & my involvement & the reasons for being the unique individual that I am.
We have all come from different experiences & all need to take stock of these experiences as, to how they have shaped & moulded us as the individuals we are today. I have done the self reflection & come to the greater awareness that as I’ve stated before I am grateful for 🙂
From Stephanie Dowrick:
‘I have gone beyond ego & see my SELF….
You have a body. You are not your body.
You have feelings. You are not your feelings.
You have desires. You are not your desires.
You have a mind. You are not your mind.
You have beliefs & attitudes. You are not your beliefs & attitudes.
Who are you?
You are a Self, observing all the realms, acting through them but, also distinct from them.
You are a Self. You have a physical existence. You are you & I am I’
I wish you continued success on working on your ‘chinks’ as I will continue working on mine 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@agoodplantoday
‘It is about using the information and life experiences I have gained to try and protect myself’.
Probably where I fail to see an empathetic person’s point of view. I do not see why others do not have the ability to just not get hurt, to not be so sensitive, and I do not see why they cannot just, honestly, suck it up and move on. I know I would willingly be emotionally/physically/any sort of abused til I cry (which is hard to get me to do), just for the sake of gaining new knowledge, so it confuses me as to why someone else would not engage in a conversation with someone who is a little too blunt for their liking, and give up the opportunity to learn something new.
I am confused as to why people seem to think sociopaths aim for extremely empathetic people? Yes, we have certain traits we search for, but usually it’s just traits that fit in with our personality.
For me, anyway. I need to realise I’m a lot less social than most. I couldn’t deal with being around anyone with an average amount of empathy, it drives me insane, and at the same time brings the sadistic-ragey side out in me.
Apologies PR. I am on the road and I must have gotten technological fat fingers with that double post using my mobile device. Maybe Pos can fix it.
Your posts are always very informative. I have used that first part of the Stephanie D. writing often when I meditate. It has helped in moving me down the spectrum.
In my early years I was fortunate to have a very successful and intelligent boss. He is now the owner of a professional sports team in the US. In a discussion I had with him when owning up to a blockheaded error, I will never forget what he told me. He said “I have no problems with you making mistakes. If you don’t make mistakes you will never learn. What I will have an issue with is if you make the same mistake twice. Then that will tell me your not learning your lessons from those mistakes”. I have felt grateful for that advice to this very day over 25 years later.
It is one of the reasons now that I am aware of sociopathic thinking and behavior I prefer to stay as far away from it as I can.
Lots of Love AGPT
Wise advice as I’ve come to expect from you AGPT….happy travels.
Love PR xoxo
@Lyss
I’m not sure you’re going to understand the self-protective comment from an empathy perspective.
The gist is, we try to give people a chance. Someone without boundaries is basically dangerous, not just to our sensitivities, but to our emotional and physical person. Why wouldn’t we just get out? Because then we’d be the person you say we shouldn’t be—someone who doesn’t give a chance, even though the other is “rough around the edges”. The risk is that we can come to care about them. That we can’t just turn off. Like a sociopath seemingly can. To do so would make us just as disconnected from our core emotions as someone unhealthy.
Thus, the need to self-protect. We have to draw a line somewhere that says our own mental and physical health becomes more important than that of another, at some point. Otherwise, we are entirely useless to anyone, including ourselves.
Someone who doesn’t feel too deeply, and can disconnect on a whim wouldn’t have this problem.
Jusagurl, can I just say thank you, for your always thoughtful , intelligent and well thought out comments. They are so appreciated!!! 🙂 THank you.
@Lyss
The boring, non-personality girl was being herself, whether you appreciated her characteristics or not. You knew what she thought about you, because she was forthright with you about it. She assumed you were the same with her. But you, on the contrary, just held steady until you couldn’t take it any longer then unloaded on her. Honestly, if you were irritated by her in the first place, kindness would’ve dictated letting her know, one way or another. I prefer to do it in love, if possible. She’s angry because she feels led on then dumped. It didn’t have to be that way. Sounds like you disliked her from the start so, it makes you seem like a kind of fraud. It would benefit you, and certainly others, to become more clear and upfront about your feelings. In a nice way. Other people have feelings, and to be honest, sounds to me like you do too. Doesn’t sound like you enjoyed her calling you a nerd. Might’ve been a good opportunity for a more evolved couple of people to have discussed how they were going to relate/treat one another.
@jusagirl
Again, I hardly care what she thinks about me, it’s the fact that I was never allowed my own time, it was always interrupted. It just happens to be it would be interrupted with her belittling me.
As I said in my post, I never acted any different to her. I was ALWAYS aloof, I never acted as if I liked her. I told her from the start that she’s a nuisance, and I also told her that I don’t care about her or anyone’s issues nor do I count anyone as my friend so don’t get offended when I just walk away when she cries.
She got offended when I did. Very, very offended. So when she did, I called her a dumb slut (seeming as her problem was about having sex with multiple men at the same time) in a very monotone voice, just like I say everything. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t saying it in a bitter way, I just said it as a matter-of-fact. Just like I say everything else.
There was no trickery or mask with that. Yet she still chose to stick to me.
Lyss… can I ask a simple question?
Why would you spend time with someone that you didn’t like? If you felt she was a nuisance, why would you have her in your life at all? What was that about? What did you get out of being around someone that you found so annoying?
@positivagirl
I didn’t spend time with her, I basically ignored her every day, I told her to fuck off more times than I can count. She pretended she didn’t hear.
Also, sorry to sound pushy, but would it be possible to answer my questions from one of my previous comments? They’re still unanswered, as everyone jumped to the story with the girl, but failed to answer the actual point of the comment >.>
I am really busy right now Lyss, I just pick up comments as I see them. I have a lot to catch up on as I have been away for quite some time. the purpose of this blog is to help victims through healing and recovery. While you are welcome here, my role isn’t (in my mind) to provide insight to sociopaths?
@positivagirl
Fair enough.
To anyone who can please help me with this. How do you get over an ex who’s a sociopath? It’s been a year since I discovered the truth about him and I’m still no better off. And now I’ve heard he has a new “victim” and slight jealously has overtaken me. He has fed her all sorts of lies about me (I know this because I have seen things on social media that I was mentioned in, and they are laughing at me, calling me crazy, etc.) And one side of me knows that this new relationship he has won’t last long once he reveals his true self (and I have read that sociopaths are incapable of a long term relationship), but then the emotional side of me is jealous, angry, confused, and sad. I hate the fact that she gets to enjoy the “good him” while it lasts, and I am confused and hurt because of all the promises he made me (he had our whole future planned out….but he only fulfilled his dreams in them. Not mine.) he uses the same pet name for her he used for me. Now he has left me feeling worthless, disgusting, undesirable, and lonely. I find it hard to trust people because of him, and if any guy tries to initiate anything with me (asking me out, flirting, etc.) I run from it and am very uncomfortable, almost as if I feel I still belong to him and can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I feel an incredible urge to look at his profiles (but do my best to fight it) and still feel attached to him. He has treated me horribly, threatened me, physically/verbally/mentally/emotionally abused me, and I know that if he were to knock on my door I would turn him away. I would never take him back after the way he has treated me. But I don’t understand why my heart still aches for the person I thought he was. Can someone please help me?
Hi Taylor,
You don’t ‘get over’, you just ‘get on’ until the feeling starts to abate & you discover yourself again.
You are i still ‘in love’ with the fake persona & the potential that you saw in the relationship but, now the cold hard facts are in your face.
Stop looking at Facebook, it’s all false & people live vicariously via it…the truth is very different behind the facade believe me.
The OW is you & you are her, in a different skin that’a all. Your ex objectifies women & treats them as prize possessions, that’s all.
The jealously is normal but, what is she actually getting???
More of the same as you got or she will eventually when the rot sets in & it always does.
Once the ‘I love you’s’ wear off & the gaming starts, she won’t be having ‘crazy’ sex, she’ll be having sex with a ‘crazy’….
Think of yourself as your own best friend, what would you tell yourself?
I think you would say, ‘come on you are wonderful & I love you just the way you are & I want you to believe in your own greatness’:)
If he could have been the person he should have been for you, he would have been perfect but, he’s not so, he did you a huge favor &
has gone.
Now you can find the ‘right’ person who will honor your beautiful self….trust that…your free…love yourself first & watch it flow on 🙂
Wish him well, he was not for you….
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
To Pheonix Rising, Ex def an S, positivagirl, and anyone else I may have missed, thank you so much. This is something I really needed to hear. I’m trying to not let old thoughts creep up, because it puts me right back in the dumps. I’m trying to not be so attached to the person he was in the beginning. But it is very difficult. He was amazing. My best friend, I told him everything. And sometimes it makes it hard to think he is a sociopath. Even though he’s basically the word for word example of one. I know he is one, but sometimes when I think of the old him I start to wonder, “What if he wasn’t? What if he really was truly amazing and I did something wrong?” Anyone else feel that way? Have you been able to banish these thoughts?
Hi Taylor, first off you found this board… there are some amazing people on here that are at all points on the path to healing. I’m still fighting just to get up in the morning. But I do. And Yes, I miss the good side of my spath so badly… but not more than I miss myself… and I’ve lost me…
Also find a counselor, or your doctor… if it’s been a year, there may been something clinical going on as well.
Dont ever be ashamed to ask questions here… whatever is troubling you… someone probably knows the answer, if not there’s always warm encouragement, and lots of love.
Hang in there!! I’m told it will get better!
Raven
Thank you so much Raven. It feels good to know there are others and I am not alone. I do have a doctors appointment scheduled for Friday, wondering if maybe there is some sort of hormonal imbalance maybe. I’m not sure. One day I’m up and then the next day I’m down.
Is there anyone else further down the path of healing that has advice to offer?
https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/the-five-stages-of-grief/a-quick-guide-what-to-expect-healing-and-recovery/
Once the ‘I love you’s’ wear off & the gaming starts, she won’t be having ‘crazy’ sex, she’ll be having sex with a ‘crazy’….That is SO true! The Soc reinvents themselves to what we need (or let us see what we want to see)…the “courting”, the I love you…the romance….the game. 😦
My Soc hadn’t told me he loved me in months…didn’t pay attention, never wanted to do anything Now he’s back at our regular spots with his bff who introduced us. First feeling is that jolting stabbing pain in the heart – how DARE he be out when he never wanted to go anywhere, and never socialize, and never speak to anyone, not even me…now he’s out????
But then I remember its the game. The thrill of hunting the next victim I suspect, who will befall the same fate as all of us…still hurts, but in time I know it will dissipate..
Hiya LA Conf 🙂
Remember the end game is always the same!
We romanticized our lives when we were young & watched all the lovey dovey movies & thought walking in the rain was romantic…sigh 🙂
The movies were just that, fake…the walk in the rain was just cold & wet & uncomfortable….did you ever see those funny cartoons fractured fairytales?
Yep, life with a Soc is a fractured fairytale 🙂 😉
PR xoxo
@Taylor…….I think we all have felt jealousy over the OW. I am not someone that gets jealous very easily but I was with her. It is normal to feel like that. She has something that you once had. The catch is, she won’t for very long.
It can be frustrating when someone is spreading lies about you, especially as the majority of people will probably think you are not like what he is describing. It is all part of the way the Spath works though, did you hear stories about your ex’s “crazy ex”? Most of us did. The next women will hear about how crazy his present woman is, and so on.
Another thing is, a year on, we all know exactly how you are feeling. I wish I could have taken my brain out and removed all my thoughts about him. That’s how angry I was that I was still trapped in this cycle of thinking about him and continuing to be on this emotional rollercoaster. Just know that you were in love with this person and it isn’t easy to fall out of love with a person when you are a victim of abuse and manipulation.
Just know, you are not alone. We have all been where you have been. It gets better and you will get stronger and stronger. Concentrate on yourself. Have time out for yourself and take up meditation or something relaxing. Life will get better before you know it. I also think that good things come to those that have gone through hard times.
Hi LA – the one that was morbid doing exactly the same things! For months, he’d complain that we never went to shows, (we lived in Austin ) so I worked diligently to find at least a couple things for him to choose from for us to do each weekend.. but even when we’d make plans, when it would come down to it, we’d end up not going, or go for one drink and come home… usually because of something I’d supposedly said or some look that I’d ruined the evening – but of course, I’m still supposed to want sex with a smile and if not, then the sparks really flew! it’s been just over two months and nearly every night he’s posting about where he’d gone or whatever. I blocked him, but well meaning friends haven’t gotten the message yet.
It all just sucks. I’m scared to even talk to people nowadays. But I’m hoping to get better. I did go to the Dr today. She upped my anti depressant, and one of my migraine preventative that I already take is used for some PTSD symptoms so I’m allowed to take it more frequently. I’m seeing my counselor tomorrow and waiting for appointment with psychiatrist. Good luck with yours! I’ll be thinking of you!
*hugs and love*
Raven
You’re not alone – I was second guessing myself for over a year. Was it me? Was I being the difficult one? Was it my fault I couldn’t handle that he kept his exes in his life as friends, and never told me when he was seeing them because “what I do on my own time doesn’t concern you”. He kept his exes clothes in a garbage bag yelling at me when I suggested giving them to charity, so I decided I would go on strike. If he couldn’t discard his garbage, then I left my cats litter bagged up in the same room – after all, it’s all trash so I figured, if he could keep his trash around, I would keep mine. Speaking of cats, when I moved in my cats were kept in the basement, alone, with one small window, yet he brought his exes cat with him, and let her have the run of the house before giving her away. Did I not do enough? I cooked, cleaned, did laundry (including folding it and putting it away so he wouldn’t leave it all over the living room chair). Was I not sexy enough, pretty enough smart enough? Did I not contribute enough? It was a year ago Monday that he begged me back, and I went without hesitation. I didn’t wait a year for him to prove himself, only be more humiliated, overwhelmed, and shattered than I was before. No…you’re not alone. Today is a very overwhelmingly emotional day for me, and altho at work, functioning, not allowing anyone to see my pain, I just want to crawl into a hole and shrivel up…because that’s how I feel – shrivelled up and worthless.