I found your website while searching Google. I found it the best I have come upon so far.
I am married to a self profess Social-path (no kidding he said he was diagnosed when he was young after I was already pregnant with child #3).
He has lied and abused me from the beginning. First time he hit me was when we were engaged. I thought it was an isolated incident we were both drunk after all. He did not hit me again for 5 years but verbally abused me daily.
2 of our children are autistic. He denies that they are and I do not even mention it and actually sugar coat it to avoid trouble.
When he asked if our children are retarded or stupid. I shoe him and tell him stop being mean. He thinks they are behind. I am a bad mother and coddle them to much and they will grow out of it.
I do not want to write you a novel but how do I get out of this relationship safely.
He fits all of the characteristics but I feel it will not escalate until after I am gone.
I think I could probably get out safe but will have retaliation later.
I actually stay because I believe leaving will make it much worse.
I have been in contact with a local advocate who thinks I should up and leave but I am scared to.
I can not file a police report due to it becoming worse.
I am secretive because if I get caught he will beat me or worse.
Does this sound familiar to you?
Anyone you talk to have a similar experience?
Any advice would be great!
Thank you
I don’t see any stories that highlight parents’ concern for their daughter dating a sociopath. My 18 year old has dated a 22 year old for a year. He is a Felon, cannot hold a job, deals drugs in our community, has no car or home, and has preyed on her to support him. Unfortunately, her father takes no stand against the relationship, and has pushed her further into his arms by allowing him to stay the night with her under his roof this last year. She needs to know I will be here when she falls, but there is so much conflict between us as I have over compensated for her father’s complacency. I have firm limits and boundaries and although have tried to accept him in an effort to not push her away, I have also made my discern known. Tonight, as they came ramsacking my house again for who knows what– blanket, robe, toiletries,… I told them to leave and are not to return. He was so despondent and unconcerned. I told him I don’t approve of his lifestyle — and now its become hers. He barely batted an eye, and said, “what lifestyle?” This is shortly after she admitted to having slept in her car once to avoid coming home. She dresses procatively for him, and I know he had coerced her to send explicit pictures to him earlier this year. She has changed 100%– and takes pride in the concept of people doing each other wrong… getting something over on someone, and getting away with things. My skin crawls. I believe he would prostitute her out. She is so vulnerable and weak right now. He has managed to isolate her from me…. laying the ground work where I would have to refuse her in my home. He depends on her for his ‘ride’, and naturally, her father does not have the balls to take her car. I am so fearful of an impending demise. He has brain washed her and jolted her moral fibre so intensely, that she is having panic attacks and being treated by a psychiatrist for anxiety. Can anybody give any ideas as to how to get her out from under his spell?
My son died in 1994, I think my sp homed in on that as my ‘weak’ spot to be honest.I have been kindness personified to him…he didn’t take any money or material things from me just my heart,soul and dignity.He left a week ago.
Yes, I understand exactly how that works. What they do, is they see you, see the person that you say you are, then work out the part that is missing between – who you say you are, and who they see you as. This is your weak spot and the part that they are keen to show you that they can fill. They are the salesman without the product.
The result, very sadly is that you might (if he has just left) – because he has been focusing on your weak spot, feel an upsurge of grief for the loss of your son, you might feel it all over again, and this might come as a shock (not that you ever get over it, you don’t)
I think that this can make the pain a million times worse, more than anyone can imagine.
What you need to ask yourself, is what kind of person fakes cancer – when he knows that your son died of cancer? What kind of man would do this to you?
It has to be the cruelest and most depraved thing that you could do.
I really do understand – he didn’t have to take your money or material things – he honed in on your soul.
Sending you a hug x
I couldn’t find a place where to write my story so I wrote ita as a reply…please correct me if that is wrong way…
At first I would like to ask the expert is it posible for a person to be just partly a sociopath. Or is this just an ordinary liar and manipulator.
We met online, both in had long term relationships. I was just looking to have some cyber sex , since I did not have any drive with my ex partner at the time and it was great, then we met in real life (he just moved in with his ex a yer ago in appartment that her mother bought for her, so they renovated it etc. We were sometimes meeting at their place…it felt quite awkward (more for me) and I never wanted to go and have sex in thei bed, he wouldnt mind of course. But he was and still is working (not paying taxes and , but receives quite good salary every month). In the next phase of relationship – after a mmonth I ended up my primary relationship, which was also my first in the real meaning of the word), he continued to have a partner and me as a lover for next 7-8 months, then he moved out to his ouncles place for a few months since he did not have a place of his own. Afterwards he moved in with me and my parents as I was still living at home. He does have friends and his family lives 2 hours away from our place. We were very much in love from the beginning. I also introduced him to my friends, and he did introduce me to his family and friends. We had great time together, many things in common, he took care of me, the only thing we would fight about was my jealousy, since I could not trust him – he was always making sexual jokes to women, flirting with them, and I am insecure about this typ of matters (including the fact that he cheated on his ex with more women, not just me, as it was the case on my side – but I was also jealous with the ex relationship).
Then we got married (after 3 years of relationship) and now we have 2 children and we got married we are married for 7 years now.
It was all great, untill I found out he is lying to me about some money problems. We had agreed that a part of money that he earned (since I do not earn enough to support the whole family), will go for savings (maybe for travelling, or if any of us looses a job or so). Than I asked him where did he put the money and he said that he had it on deposit in a bank. I found out in his email (checking it) that he asked a friend for a loan!? And then digged deeper and I found out that he gambled all this money (about 3-4 salaries) in online gambling. I was so cold zhat I stopped talking to him for a week without telling him why. Then at first he did not want to admit and kept on convincing me that what I know and see with my own eyes the truth and then he broke down and told me (in tears) what had happenedFor these lies he told me that he wants to solve his problems on his own, that he feels like a child infront of me, and mostly that he does not tell me such things because he does not want to hurt me or make me sad…
I wanted us to go to the therapist and psychologist, where he cried and cooperated as it seemed to me when I was there, but he had to have some alone sessions, and the therapist told me that he was not taking it seriously.
It was ok for some time, than next lies happened, the lies were not as big as the first time (I wanted him to go to his accountant to get his papers straight and for two montjs he was telling me these lies that he couldnt go or the accountant was busy, for everytime I asked he had a new exceuse, at the end he admitted he never went there or even considered to go, he just said that to please me and to avoid the argument.
The next thing was when he promised he would finish his diploma till my birthday. He of course did not. Hej ust keep promising he will do it the next week and the next – hoe immature is that? At the end he lied that he went
Otherwise, he is a great father, convincing that he loves me and he would do anything for me and usually is nothing too difficult for him, he gets uop at night and takes care of the babies, if neccessary, he cooks, cleans, etc.
But everytime he lies I got really deeply hurt, as i do not deserve to be told the truth, even if I would be mad at him (I would, probably)
When I asked him if he has other women, he of course denies it, I actually have nothing on him, he comes straight home from work and does not go partying without me – a few times a year maybe…
I am so sorry that you have had a life of ups and downs especially with children to care for. It is hard to leave, but think of how much stress this man has caused you. We are not getting any younger and we do age. What will this man look like in old age? Is he emotionally available, financially stable? Try to seek therapy.
Hi couldn’t see how to post a message so hit reply hope that’s ok…my sociopath has been dreadful…I lost a son through cancer at the age of 4 and lo and behold he ‘had’ cancer which I nursed him through….we were supposed to be getting married….he never had his bands read he apparently had paid for reception…he hadn’t..I bought my wedding dress and had trial hair and spray tan..booked our wedding cake…ordered invitations…sent out save the date cards… but I love the bones of him….adore the man….struggling x
Hi Maryanne, that is an absolutely terrible thing to do. My experiences were slightly different. My daughter died at full term (partially due to healthcare negligence), in 2010, I met him in 2011, he faked that his daughters mother was dying of cancer, and that his daughter would come to live with us. The lengths that he went to to deceive, and to manipulate me. I bought it all. I was so nice, kind and caring, it hit me for six, how could I possibly deserve this? ….. I take it he didn’t have cancer? How long ago did he do this and how long ago did your son die? I was just writing about that (the loss of a child as a mother – as it is coming up to another anniversary for me in a few days time) Nikki
thanks so much! It seems like you and a lot of other members on here have made a lot of progress and seem so strong! Thanks for the loving kindness you are showing me and for all the links! I am going to seek out therapy too…I know this is something I need re framed so I get the created addiction and can move on from it! Thanks and so much love!
I know this will sound awful and many of you will hate me and tell me that I am a bad person, but it doesn’t change my experience with my sociopath. I’m married. I had an affair. I thought I had found the perfect man, my soul mate. He caught me at a vulnerable time but that is no excuse for my transgressions. I have suffered through him and his emotional abuse for over 3 years. Everything I read makes him a text book case. The long stares that felt like love in the beginning….the intense emotion, soul mate, him being in love from the start…the jealousy…..then the distance that was my fault b/c I hadn’t left my husband yet…the distance that led me to find out about another woman he was seeing…and another….and another. He is 48. I am 35 as well as one of the other girls. His youngest that I know of is 24. After she found out about me he proposed to her and they were engaged for a few months. He would threaten to expose me to my family and husband and coworkers. He called me every evil, horrible name you could think of. Then he would say he was sorry, that he needed me, that he was so unhappy and miserable. He would beg me to help him. Then he would flip the script again and tell me that I was crazy. That I was the one who seduced him and stalked him. I felt crazy.
I am now in my 8th month of therapy and still fighting him off. He always finds a way to contact me….even though I know about at least 8 other women he has been with while with me. I realize now that my husband is so good and my issues are a product of my past relationship with my father. Thank god my husband did not have to go through the hurt of finding out my indiscretions. I feel horrible and struggle with the hate I have for myself….I will make it up to him. It is not his fault I have issues and was blind sided by a sociopath.
I thank you for the opportunity to share a small portion of my ongoing struggle. I ask that you not be judgmental about my affair. I can promise you that my self hate is worse than words anyone could spew. I am thankful to know I am not the only one who has suffered a sociopath and at the same time saddened by how many of us are out there. I wish we could find a cure. The pain is unbearable sometimes.
Welcome to the site. Hatred isn’t an energy we project from this site 🙂 So welcome!!
It must have been scary being threatened to be exposed by the sociopath, and I can see how that can happen. He now has something over you. And would use this to manipulate and control you.
Is he out of your life now? As I fear that he will always have this fear over you, and will use the opportunity to use it, if he is without supply elsewhere.
While I don’t personally advocate infidelity, I also do not judge and can say that your situation, is one that I have heard of before on this site. It is really good that you are receiving professional help and support.
Is there any way that you could talk about this with your husband? The best you could hope for is for the socio to move onto someone new and be otherwise distracted. The biggest forgiveness is often to forgive ourselves.
I do not advocate infidelity either. I never thought it would be something that I was part of. I am trying to establish NC but he keeps pushing the threats to the next level. I have called his bluff the last couple of times. I haven’t heard from him in about a week, but he doesn’t usually last more than 2 or 3 weeks without reaching out. I have tried blocking him but he always finds a way to reach me. He goes back and forth between the “I need help and I need you” to “you are a crazy b*tch that has ruined my life”…..emotional warfare.
I never want my husband to know b/c he does not deserve the hurt. This is my fault that I allowed this to come into our lives. Therapy has helped me tremendously. I came from an emotionally abusive home and realize that negative treatment is what I grew up knowing and expecting. It does not excuse my actions or indiscretions. I am so fortunate to have married a man who loves me so much in a positive way.
I struggle daily with my self hate for my mistakes. I struggle daily with the battle of “missing” my sociopath. I struggle daily with my unconscious need for the hurt and drama that he causes.
I want to break the cycle of abuse. I want to be happy and feel loved. I want to love myself enough to feel like I deserve those things. I am fighting daily to win this battle. I feel so alone sometimes. I have friends and family who know and that I can talk to, but no one understands the abuse and its effect unless you have experienced it.
I just finished the book “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” and also “The Sociopath Next Door”. Both were eye opening and actually made me finally able to admit to my therapist that my father was a mean, controlling man and my mother enables him. I am feeling anxious even typing that right now….which speaks to my issues.
What I hate most is that when you try to verbalize your experiences to others who know your sociopath or abusive father, they look at you like you are crazy. My husband loves my dad and I can see the struggle in his eyes to understand what I have experienced b/c my father is so good to him.
I’m sorry this is so long but it feels good to share in what seems like a safe environment. I was actually thinking about contacting my sociopath until I saw your response. I am sending that energy here. He will only tear me apart….either now or later.
thank you for letting me vent.
Something seems “off” here… if you husband is so “good” and so “loving”, why did you cheat on him?
That’s a bit harsh John. This site is for support. I have only one rule here. ‘No personal attacks’. I am sure that layla is aware of this herself.
John- ironically you sound just like my sociopath. My chest tightened and my anxiety came crashing down when I read your comment. I wanted to cry. If you read both of my posts, you know that I feel awful and was dealing with issues that ran very deep. I will not share anymore. I do not need another man making me feel like a whore. I hate myself enough already.
Hey layla, I hope you don’t feel the need to leave the site. 🙂
Hi Layla 🙂
Don’t let one bad apple send you off the site.
We don’t judge you & we understand your plight.
Please stay & heal & just ignore the ‘Johnnies’.
Sorry to hear your story, and understand one of the worst things is that there are so many who suffer or are being lined up. I sometimes think the lucky ones are those that never knew they’d been had – that was nearly me, wish it had been.
For what it’s worth, I get the impression my ex targeted married women generally – less complications and more leverage(?) He kept asking me if I was in a relationship back home, which I wasn’t. Ironically he is/was married….
I was going crazy jealous as I saw my exhusband picture with his girlfriend on facebook, my blood was boiling and i thought i would go nuts and i stumbled across this site to read “do not get jealous when he is with somebody else” My ex fits to the T to the description of a sociopath. I just don’t get it how much i love him and would overlook everything to come with him. I’m a smart and strong girl, he’s the only one that can get away with a lot of awful things he did to me, nobody else would!
Everything about him was like this site described but I’m confused because I still believe his love is real. He truly loves me (do I sound like a desperate victim since people say they are not capable of love?) I know his lies, his tricks and everything. The only thing that holds me back is his love. He did stay with me for convenience but after all I feel loved with him and we both can not move on because of the strong bond we have. He is now in an no and off relationship and i’m not with anybody. Honestly, i don’t think i could love anybody like i do to him or the connection i have with him. My friend told me “Do not keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you are still in hell” he got me good i guess, what if the devil is all I ever wanted?
Hi and welcome to the site. They can love in their own way but it’s more about ownership possession control, bit like someone owns a dog. They deliberately create dependency and addiction to them. There are lots of posts here that explains how it works. Welcome to the site 🙂
I’ve danced with the devil too….he used to tell me he was the devil. Irony in the making… I thought I could just take the love he gave and that would be enough to make up for the awfulness I felt most of the time. Let’s be honest, when it’s good, it is sooo good. When it’s bad, it is hell. It’s like the devil has your card and is playing until you break. When you break, he leaves you alone long enough to heal. Then he comes back for more. He was addicted to me like I was to him (because I now know it was an addiction…not love), but we were/are addicted in different ways. Any “need” or “love” or “want” he showed me, made me feel beautiful and loved. What he really wanted was sex and control and to stroke his ego that he could get me back. When he was done he called me a bitch, slut, etc. That’s love right?
I am working on two weeks with no contact, but that’s about how long he lasts. I’ve decided to come up with a plan instead of taking him as he comes (always on his terms). I am busying myself and making plans to have no down time. My work is more productive. I have started to get my life back my reorganizing my home and office and staying in contact with the people that love me.
I saw my therapist today and she says I am showing such growth. Knowledge is power. I am reading a new book called “Crazy Love” by Leslie Morgan Steiner. Just another that reiterates the struggles of abused women. I have to fight daily with my anxiety about this situation and remind myself that my anger towards him will subside over time.
Don’t dance with the devil or try to play his game. He will always win because he has no true emotion. If he is with someone else and you know about it and he says he still wants you ( he did that to me), don’t ask why. He will make it about you and it will be your fault. Wouldn’t he flip out and be jealous if you were with someone else? Jealousy is not love. If he wanted to be with you he would. It is not about you anyway. It’s always about him and what makes him feel good and what suites him at the moment.
I hope this was not a ridiculous rant and that I did not offend you, but you sound like a better person than me and you don’t deserve the devil. If you want that, it means you don’t love yourself. I’ve been there.
I know the sociopath in my life didn’t cheat with other women. But he was a compulsive pathological liar and he stole too.
At first I would like to ask the expert is it posible for a person to be just partly a sociopath. Or is this just an ordinary liar and manipulator.
We met online, both in had long term relationships. I was just looking to have some cyber sex , since I did not have any drive with my ex partner at the time and it was great, then we met in real life (he just moved in with his ex a yer ago in appartment that her mother bought for her, so they renovated it etc. We were sometimes meeting at their place…it felt quite awkward (more for me) and I never wanted to go and have sex in thei bed, he wouldnt mind of course. But he was and still is working (not paying taxes and , but receives quite good salary every month). In the next phase of relationship – after a mmonth I ended up my primary relationship, which was also my first in the real meaning of the word), he continued to have a partner and me as a lover for next 7-8 months, then he moved out to his ouncles place for a few months since he did not have a place of his own. Afterwards he moved in with me and my parents as I was still living at home. He does have friends and his family lives 2 hours away from our place. We were very much in love from the beginning. I also introduced him to my friends, and he did introduce me to his family and friends. We had great time together, many things in common, he took care of me, the only thing we would fight about was my jealousy, since I could not trust him – he was always making sexual jokes to women, flirting with them, and I am insecure about this typ of matters (including the fact that he cheated on his ex with more women, not just me, as it was the case on my side – but I was also jealous with the ex relationship).
Then we got married (after 3 years of relationship) and now we have 2 children and we got married we are married for 7 years now.
It was all great, untill I found out he is lying to me about some money problems. We had agreed that a part of money that he earned (since I do not earn enough to support the whole family), will go for savings (maybe for travelling, or if any of us looses a job or so). Than I asked him where did he put the money and he said that he had it on deposit in a bank. I found out in his email (checking it) that he asked a friend for a loan!? And then digged deeper and I found out that he gambled all this money (about 3-4 salaries) in online gambling. I was so cold zhat I stopped talking to him for a week without telling him why. Then at first he did not want to admit and kept on convincing me that what I know and see with my own eyes the truth and then he broke down and told me (in tears) what had happenedFor these lies he told me that he wants to solve his problems on his own, that he feels like a child infront of me, and mostly that he does not tell me such things because he does not want to hurt me or make me sad…
I wanted us to go to the therapist and psychologist, where he cried and cooperated as it seemed to me when I was there, but he had to have some alone sessions, and the therapist told me that he was not taking it seriously.
It was ok for some time, than next lies happened, the lies were not as big as the first time (I wanted him to go to his accountant to get his papers straight and for two montjs he was telling me these lies that he couldnt go or the accountant was busy, for everytime I asked he had a new exceuse, at the end he admitted he never went there or even considered to go, he just said that to please me and to avoid the argument.
The next thing was when he promised he would finish his diploma till my birthday. He of course did not. Hej ust keep promising he will do it the next week and the next – hoe immature is that? At the end he lied that he went
Otherwise, he is a great father, convincing that he loves me and he would do anything for me and usually is nothing too difficult for him, he gets uop at night and takes care of the babies, if neccessary, he cooks, cleans, etc.
But everytime he lies I got really deeply hurt, as i do not deserve to be told the truth, even if I would be mad at him (I would, probably)
When I asked him if he has other women, he of course denies it, I actually have nothing on him, he comes straight home from work and does not go partying without me – a few times a year maybe…
Where do I start this?
I am a man. I have a criminal record for domestic violence. I understand just that is enough to ruin my credibility so all of what follows can be taken with a grain of salt.
I still don’t know if I was the victim, abuser or both. I met my former spouse while in the Army, but we never actually “got together “until well after that date. I would like to say that I lived a pristine life and was a moral pillar to those around me, but I cannot boast that fine aspiration.
I was molested as a 13 year old paperboy, my mother never did anything about it and that started my decline. Not the fact mom didn’t do anything, She was frightened and a victim of rape herself. What got me was the confusion and loathing I felt after that incident. Until recently, I couldn’t stand the feeling of someone else’s skin touching mine. I avoided people in general and never really trusted anyone.
I was married to my first wife as a young soldier. This marriage ended in less than 2 years. The only blame there was that we were young, immature and both, “barely” survivors of sexual abuse as children. I say barely, because I don’t think that either of our families knew what to do about it and we ourselves didn’t either. I will also add that during this period in the Army, I was witness and participant to some things that the mind rebels against.
I won’t go into the details, but things just stacked on. I wasn’t a good husband to my first wife. 20+ years after our divorce, she wrote me a character reference for my court issue with my current and final former wife. I would do the same for her.
I met my second wife in 1988 while serving in the Army, her grand dad was a WW2 hero and my regiment was his regiment back then. We were both married and divorced in between the time we met and the time we actually lived together and were married. By the time 1993 rolled around, I was a hot mess. That is when. “X” moved up here to my state. I was 25 and a total emotional wreck. I gave up my career in the Army, was divorced from my first wife and was carrying a lot of guilt and anger.
Almost immediately I noticed that she was “a bit off”. She told me this was due to a thyroid issue she had and we set about getting her doctor’s appointments and medications. X liked to go out and party, but I was already past that stage and this caused conflict. My reply to all life’s problems was to go to work. She took this as ignoring her and acted out. She felt the same if I got into a good book also. X hated that my best friend and I were close, (We still are after 27 years). X would disappear in the middle of the day and not come back until much later. Years later, she told me she would go and walk down the road and let men pick her up for fun and attention.
I was angry of course, but I was even guiltier for allowing my wife to think I didn’t care. Confused because I had never met someone that behaved like that before. And yes, attracted because I had never met someone who was so free with her sexuality. I tried to show her my love, but I am a pretty simple guy and some small thing I made from wood or leather wasn’t the attention she wanted. She wanted to go out and be seen. Her behavior continued and as years past I finally realized that she was sleeping around, no matter where we moved, she would always find her “fix”. In 2001 I had finally had enough, I worked in a bar and she would hook up in local bars. I got a call one night “dude, your woman is leaving with some guy”. The bar was right across the street. I walked over and found her in the guy’s car making out. Needless to say I went to jail that night. When I pulled her out of the guy’s car, she jerked away from me and said” I know what I’m doing”! I slapped her.
2 toddlers at the baby sitters and me at work, already knowing what she had been doing for years, when I finally saw it and she spoke those words in that vicious tone…I became a batterer in the eyes of the law and many others.
In 2003 I started working in the Middle East, from then until 2010 I was on the road 300 or so days out of the year. I didn’t have to address the issue any more. I felt that if I could provide a stable income and leave her in charge of the finances and household, she would forgive me for hitting her. We split up in 2010 after I lost my job, she moved out and got an apartment a few blocks away. Our then teen daughter moved in with her. She told me, “Dad, Mom needs someone”. During this time X was picking up guys from dating sites and Craigslist Ads. She even gave one the key to her apartment and he came over very late one school night, alcohol on his breath and woke our daughter who was sleeping in the living room chair as she was sick.
There were others, but I remember this one because I did check him out with the state patrol database and he had an extensive record. The divorce papers were filed but, we decided to reconcile. There were so many inconsistencies to what X told me. She wasn’t a good liar at all, but she would add just enough truth for me to hope for change. I had worked on my anger for years. Numbness was my answer. Fast forward to 2014…. This time X wanted the divorce. That was fine by me. She moved out on Jan 5th 2014, lived with my sister until June of 2014. My sister had been her friend and confidant for years.
I have to admit that X and I dallied with each other even after she asked for a divorce and after she moved out. This was at the same time she was seeing other men. I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with me to keep up this behavior. When I finally did stop sleeping with her, I tried to be her friend, I still tried to protect her from predatory men and give her advice. I was in no place to do that at all because I never understood until recently, she wanted that life style.
I found a lady ,Or rather she found me. a pen pal actually. One day she told me that she had decided to love me whether I loved her back or not. This started my eyes opening. She came here to the states twice on her own dime. She is a successful lady in her country and doesn’t need me or any man like me. But, she chose to love me. I began to feel again. These events are overlapping so if you readers are getting confused, you can bet I was at the time also. I will call her N, for privacy.
N argued with me that X was a trouble maker and she only came around to get what she could get. I argued back, “No, she isn’t”. I wasted these rich feelings on X when they were all due to N. On August 26 2014, I decided to sever my ties with X. It was the right thing to do and was long overdue. The mutual back and forth had to stop! After a running, text, email and Skype conversation, I was done responding to her and let it go. On August 28 I was cleaning up N’s Facebook page, privatizing it and getting rid of old stuff, This was at her request and I was surprised that she would give me the pass code. I was lazy so I hadn’t done it all in one shot. When I logged on, I went to her messages and noticed a message in her (other) box. The one reserved for spam and not friends mail. I opened it and there were 4 photos of X and 3 of me, hers were pornographic to the xxx extent and the ones of me were shirtless but taken at the same time. The message read “my name”, ruins lives by cheating”. My heart dropped, this message was sent on the 26th. This message was sent via a false FB account and only 2 people would have those photos. I screen shot the message, deleted it and set about finding how to put a no contact order on someone. I told N, about the message and that I was going to get a no contact order. She approved. On the 30th of August I sent X a message to all known emails, Stating I wished to have no further contact with her in any way.
In the process of telling my family what had happened, my sister said,” I have some things you should know”. She proceeded to tell me about every time X had talked about wanting me dead, planning my death, researching ways to kill me and even soliciting others to do it. She also laid out to me how the cheating never stopped and how proud X was that she had that secret over me. Then the worst part, X had deliberately, over time separated me from my children. She had stolen from them, me. She had robbed us all of a loving relationship. And I had let her do it. The no contact order turned into an order of protection, she counter filed. I asked my sister why she didn’t tell me years ago, her reply stung, I wasn’t exactly approachable. I realized she was being kind in that statement.
Our son stayed out of it, he said to me “Dad, I have holes in my memory up till my sophomore year”, “I think you are doing the right thing and Mom is just trying to get you in trouble”. Both of my daughters, and my sister wrote detailed statements as to X’s actions and words. X accused me of attempted rape, battery and constant abusive behavior in her petition. Only one thing rang true in her statement, I slapped her in 2001 and was prosecuted for it. After knowing about the infidelity, I finally caught her at it. There’s no justification, but no one knows how they will react until they are there.
I had corroborating evidence of systematic emotional abuse of the children and myself, death threats and theft of personal items to include medication, clothing and important papers. In the end, her lawyer wanted another continuance, I told him OK, that gives me 2 weeks to pile on more of my own. Or she drops her petition, I drop mine and we get a mutual anti-harassment order. All she has to do is stand in front of the court and admit that she did indeed send those photos and the message to N. She took that offer. I have the video recording from the courtroom.
20 years of not only my life, but the younger years of my children, wasted. The letters from my sister were the keystone. All the unanswered questions were answered all the blanks were filled. I told the girls to tell the truth, no more no less. Use your own words. My eyes are open to what happened now. My daughters’ words were always there, they warned me and I didn’t hear them.
I am 46 years old and I have been a fool for the last 20 years. Now I am trying to find out why I allowed myself to be blinded. I know I am a broken person. I have been abused and the abuser, I know that my children suffered while I was gone for the greater part of those 8 years I was working abroad and later. Shame has played a part in all of this, shame for things I did as a young man and shame for things I let myself believe I did to X. Shame for the fact I wasn’t there to protect X as a child when she was raped repeatedly by a former step-father. Even my hope was part, I hoped she and I could change.
Here is what I know for sure.
X isn’t just a Narcissist, She is a Sociopath. She preys on broken people and gets the attention she needs. Her current boyfriend is a disabled vet that lost his wife and then his eldest daughter. I am pretty sure he paid for her lawyer. X integrates into someone’s life and adopts everything about that person, even their friends and ways of speaking. She has sex in her van outside of bars and on her way home from work, this she told me herself.
My sisters statement explained why X would tell me this, X thought it would hurt me to tell me and even pleased her that she had this secret she could tell at any time to hurt me. Too bad for her that numbness worked so well, even though the sheer volume was unexpected, the actions weren’t.
Up until the time I severed ties, I was her back up man. I fixed her car, got her out of her fixes and was a shoulder to cry on. X wanted me to do nasty sexual things and I did, only to be blamed later for it.
I also know that my children have the capacity to forgive me, even though I failed them so terribly. N loves me and has forgiven me. I will go to her in the spring and we will work together and build on a foundation of trust and respect. I don’t loath the touch of another person anymore, I sleep soundly when N is next to me. I will always see and hear my children from now on. I seek good council instead of closing myself off, lord knows I need it.
X will continue to lie her way through life, she will seek her comfort in multiple partners and attention from strangers. She has everything of monetary and intrinsic value from our life together. But nothing she made on her own, no family, no long term friends. I don’t need to be a strong man anymore, no need to be a tough unfeeling rock to protect myself. No desire to lash out in rage or even shame. N and my family are who forgave me, they never used me or lied to me. I’m not selfish, I am not a blunt instrument, or a toy!
As much as I would like to blame X for every crappy thing that happened between us, I can’t. I was at fault for thinking I could handle it all, thinking I could change the character of someone else. I couldn’t even change my own. Being with a person like X and being a broken person to begin with, there isn’t any solution to the relationship. I have to question myself now, what am I to have been a willing partner in this debacle?
When we were sitting in court waiting for the judge to sign the order, X leaned over and said” you sent me that email on the 30th”. “I said yes, what about it”? “That was my birthday” X replied. Even in the face of something as huge as a life changing court order, after all we had done to each other over 20 years, she was focused on what she saw as a personal slight. I told her it hadn’t even crossed my mind.
Aftermath….
The day after court, 2 October 2014. X started trolling our daughter’s blog, calling her naïve making other cracks. Then in a post on her new blog page, she blamed me for whispering in our daughter’s ear. She made that post password protected and is now posting copy and paste about how positive she is and how false my bringing the law into things was. I only know it was her because she left an email address I recognized when she replied directly to me on my daughters page. 16 days and no engagement, 20 years is a hard lesson.
Change yourself first, set a higher standard. Take one step forward at a time. If you are in fear of your life, leave everything and find a safe place to run to. I can’t speak of what to do if you have children, mine are adults. In my state Men don’t do so well in custody battles anyway. Keep a journal, keep text messages, and keep a record! Always learn to love yourself first. Sappy words from a man, but true. Good luck everyone.
I just found your site. I have been in the thick of it, myself…with a Federal Agent. Law enforcement people and therapists have been naturally sucked in by him and have not made my situation any easier. He is one charismatic man, with a gun and a badge. He bodyguards the Dalai Lama, himself, when that honorable man is in the country. That same person who protects the Dalai Lama has tried to shoot me…setting me up to look like I was breaking into his home, all the while it was “demanded” that I go inside. I finally found a good therapist who is helping me through. I relocated secretly. I live under the watchful eye of other officers who know my situation. In the first five minutes of reading your blog, I realized you TOTALLY get it. Yes, I have the pattern of sociopaths in dating, too…one after the other after another. Why? Because I was raised by a sociopathic mother and it is so hard for me to discern normalcy from the manipulation. It is getting easier and I am getting smarter, though. AND, I’m still alive. Thanks for your blog…
Hi, i would like to say thanks for this site, it has greatly helped me.
I dated a sociopath for 4 years, 2nd yr of undergrad till 1 year later. He then left my country and moved to the USA. He used to lie to me and manipulate me and discard me when i was with him. He even got violent a few times. But since i had problems at home, i leaned on him for support, which only made things worse.
This year, i moved to the USA for graduate studies. He came down to my dorm to see me. Spent tonnes of money on me. And played the seduction role. He told me he wanted to marry me, and being with other girls made him realize i was the right one for him.
On the last day before he was leaving, one of the girls he had dated during our time apart called. He had told me he doesnt talk to her anymore. When i checked his phone, they exchanged a couple of texts everyday. He went on to say he meant he did not talk to her “properly”. I gave him one last chance, and said if there were anymore half truths we were done.
3 weeks later, he told me he bumped into that girl in the library, and they spoke for 15-20 mins.when i made him show me his call logs, he had actually called her and asked her to meet him, and they spent an hour together.
I know this is a small lie, but i dont want it to progress. I ended it immediately. He begged and apologized for one night, and after that, has not even called back once. If he was really sorry, he should have called back right?
It is my birthday in two days. I feel so sad that i dont have him. But i think its good in the long run.
I also booked a non refundable ticket to go surprise him for thanksgiving, but $300 is a small price to pay for a life of freedom.
I still care about him deeply, and want to help him. He has been through a lot as a child, and i wana take care of him and help him. But it hurts too much when he lies to me 😦
I will never love anyone like i loved him. I wanted to be his wife, take care of him and give him so much love and fix him. But I am not strong enough to suffer the pain.
I hope my dear baby finds happiness. There are no bad people, their situation makes them that way. I hope he finds happiness, and a way to overcome this behaviour.
Thankyou for your site. It made me go from self pity and a feeling of being manipulated to understanding the problem.
I’m impressed with your strength of character in breaking it off when you did. You should feel good about that, and you saved yourself a lot of future grief too, no doubt. I see in your following comments things I see in myself, you sound very sympathetic to your socio -ex. But I would say to you what people are saying to me, which is to be pretty sceptical of stories of a troubled past. For sure it was bad, or he wouldn’t be the way he is, but socios are often ‘milking it’ as my socio -ex used to say, in other words, exaggerating their victim stories and playing to the gallery. A caution: my socio -ex made numerous allegations of illegal or otherwise totally unacceptable, reputation-ruining behaviour against her -exes. I suppose it’s soon time for my reputation to be trashed. It could happen to you, this is the danger period.
I too wanted to spend the rest of my life with my sociopath, accept her as she is (oops, I still haven’t let go…) and give her everything she needs so she could heal, but I’m told this is naive of me. I don’t know what’s right for you, but my fear would be that to take him in and accept him as he is, which love demands, may be like saying to a sociopath “go on, you can continue being a sociopath” or having “abuse me” tattooed on your forehead.
I think you did right, thanks for sharing your story.
Well.. What a crazy experience. From the beginning I knew something was off and automatically pushed away, but few months later it was like he had his set his “goal” to date me, as hw sometimes used to mention. I decided to try again.. Since we had so much in common work wise.. And shared cool positive things. What was fun is that he was always on the go.. Traveling, doing a lot of activities… It was like he has more energy than you and me together… Which at first I thought he was a hypomanic. He had all the characteristics Of one… Which if that was it .. We could of worked things out. Well… I kind told him that he had that problem and if he wanted this to work out he had to work on that. He was insecure .. I could see it but he also had a huge EGo.. Like he was the best of the best in everything… And man the fights were not cute.. But I was pretty good myself I’m handling because I’m not a fighter … But man wouldn’t he just push my last button. And then we started working together… That was not a very great idea.. First he seems like he wanted to work with me to have total control of me…. And that’s what he was doing.. He was not only my boyfiend now he was boss… And since work was either over the computer … Moving around with real estate and other media business he was constantly telling me what to do. It was not a relationship n more… It was more like a relation I had with my boss… Who was bossing m around and all day long… And saying it was part of my job to do certain things like a simple favors for him…. Well the fights were very crazy he couldn’t stop talking and trying to hurt me in anyway he could… With his real mean words.. Crazy talk .. But I was a lol strong myself cause i almost felt like he was trying to do that so I didn’t let it affect me… But never have I dated someone so egocentric and that tries to hurt so bad..so with that I told him that is crazy so I left him and told him he needed to see a phycologist and he said sure okay… Cause on the top of being hypomanic… He was also bipolar and very impulsive with his words but a minute after he said all those bad things he was like oh baby I’m sorry .. I care about you… And wanted to sexually interect.. It was a deft out of control.. And if I didn’t want to do the same as he did at that moment it was almost a problem. I would be sleeping and he would be talking by himself mad at the situation and next day like nothing happened… And after he said he would never do that again… Guess what he did? He did it again like it never happened… We were in the car and he spent 2 hours saying very very mean things to me… This time I help myself because I noticed it was out of control… We had to get on the same plane and so we did… And after he said if infinity of mean things and hateful manipulating thoughts he wanted me to hold his hand…
I said no he started throwing a bag my way and my Stuff at me and started with the Mean things all Over again . I started to freak out and I researched even more… To I find out I was dating a sociopath. Very cold blooded … He really does not have the feelings I do… He is able to just insult… Insult … Insult and then “act” like nothing happened to get back what he wants. He never rally settled in a relationship at his age.. He is very smart and very good and getting what he wants even with all the consequences … He is dauntless … Those do not scare him… He takes very risky steps and don’t have sense of wrong or right. Very manipulating …he uses all the ones around him to boss them around to get what he wants but he can be very “nice” and gifty to get what he really wants…. But doing that just over manipulation as part of “business” just to get what he really wants … And damn right ppl fall for it and he usually gets what he wants. Huge ego of being better than anyone else… Always putting ppl down… Even if he see someone that’s successful he will find the bad side to their story… But his story is always right. Well I took the the decision to be done with it and he was trying to manipulate me into coming back and saying with him km better .. I will have a brighter future but not in a way that he seems like he really cares… Even talked all poetic but it was all an act.. Deep inside he really is full of hate and does not care … Unfortunately it’s not his fault he is the way he is …if you have someone close to you that you feel that they can be a sociopath well…find a way they can discover themselves and take a better approach is their own situation and prevent certain things to happen.. But with socipaths we all must be very careful cause some may not choose to be physically harmful to others but some do… And we won’t be able to differentiate. In my opinion trust your guts… Help them if they are family or real good friends…and stay away from those relationships.
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I am hoping to view the same high-grade blog posts fro you in the future as well.
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Hi guys, I think I need help – I am not really managing the no contact. I’m doing the creepy stalker ex thing, not quite a bunny boiler (wouldn’t touch him with somebody else’s barge pole) and it has been let me know that some of my initial insane antics achieved their goal of shutting off at least two other sources of supply (at least one financial), but still it’s not a healthy thing for me to be doing.
I have done more via social media – the trouble is, whenever I tell people I know (family, friends and work) what I’ve done, they think I’m brilliant and I should have gone further – there are no consequences for me, but it’s not good for my mind, I know this, and the feelings do become less each day, it’s only been a few weeks since I found out rather suddenly this guy is a sociopathic liar, but I’m lost and worried about my sanity?
It does take a while to move on. Allow yourself and forgive yourself for the lash outs you are doing. It is all part of the process. Break ups can feel like a death. There is a grieving process. Even more of a grieving process when you have been in a relationship with a sociopath or similar.
I have maintained no contact for a few months now but it look over a year a half to get to that point. It doesn’t happen overnight.
The secret is talking to people, like us, who have had similar experiences. The reassurance and comfort you get on here does help. So, if you are having difficulties, come on here and vent. Get it all out of your system.
Btw, my stomach still goes into a knot when I hear his name (even if it isn’t him but another person has his name) or something reminds me off him. I do feel that my personality has changed because of my relationship with him. I find that I get angry easier whereas, before I met him, I was so easy going. I also don’t have as much tolerance. But sometimes in life, a person comes along that does change you and not always for the better.
Hi Aliciap82 🙂 you have changed & life does that regardless of the circumstances. We are constantly growing & changing as, is the world at large. Remember childhood when everything seemed so innocent & protected? I think by & large that growing up is enlightening/scary/painful/wonderful but, worth acknowledging. The Soc is stuck in the endless childhood of games & delusion so, leave them there. The difference is, that we grew up, we know right from wrong & we accept responsibility for our actions good or bad. The Soc/narc never does this so, pass the diapers & the dummy & lets celebrate our right of passage together. Welcome to the ‘real’ world with all it’s glory/passion & pain. I am so pleased I share this world with wonderful adults like you 🙂
Love & Light PR xoxo aka awareb4 😉
The worrying thing is, I’m secretly congratulating myself for some of my behaviour – I have achieved more than I set out to and figured I had nothing to lose since he’d make me out to be mad anyway.
I’ll move on, I’ve done it before – but with this one, the problem has been less that I was involved, I wasn’t even planning to see him again, but then found out everything was a lie….. I’ve literally lost nothing, but want to beam this fools face from space to warn other people
So, while you’re congratulating yourself and everyone is patting you on the back for basically bad behavior, two things are happening: 1) You’re finding out what kind of support structure you have, 2) You’re getting to know yourself at a new level. This is you when things go really wrong. And it sounds as though you might not like too much who you’re meeting in the mirror?
I felt the same way when I realized my own tendencies. I expected better from myself but didn’t seem to be able to rise to it, repeatedly… until I learned the lesson. The information you are getting right now about yourself and the people who you enable to surround you is invaluable. The empowerment you can derive from this will only be limited by your will to step up and change.
We are capable of many things… good things, evil things, ingenius things. I think what you are seeing is that you can use your mind, spirit, energy and resources for good, for something that benefits you, others, the world, or you can waste it on tripe that ultimately makes you feel like less than the person you believed you were.
I wish you the best.
High Five on that comment Jusa 🙂 love your stuff 🙂 xoxo PR xoxo 😉
I hate tripe too! 🙂
Thanks for your supportive and insightful responses, it will take time, but I know I also need to do a lot of work on myself and recovery in a proper sense.
JGE…I am lucky and didn’t have children with my ex or lived with him. I have a friend who had both and his wife gives him hell. My first piece of advice is prepare as much as you can, secretly, before you leave. That is support and money if possible. Secondly, as much as we dislike the relationships we have with these people, don’t say anything bad about that person to your children. I have seen that one backfire as well when the children innocently say “mum said this” to the Sociopath.
JGE,
You are taking the first step, recognizing that this is not love, just abuse. The road to freedom is not easy, but it will be full of rewards. If you have the break read “Why he does that?” An excellent and practical book of how to deal with abusive and controlling relationship. There are a lot of places that can help you and your children.
Hello, everyone I just came on here as I need to talk and get advise as much as possible.
I work with my ex sociopath and it is literally torture, our work place consists of about 20 people so I see him often and to make things worse his father works here as well!!!! I feel like I am living a nightmare.
We met at work and things moved fast and he was ever so loving and full of compliments.
We have been together for about a year on and off constantly – always him leaving and always him coming back and me like the soft person I am fall victim to him time and time again, he always used to tell me he can get me back when ever he wants me and sadly this is true as I have allowed it always.
He recently left me a week ago and has been ever so rude and couldn’t care less telling me he doesn’t want me and will never want me and that his main goal was to make me fall so in love with him so that he could just cut things off with me and make me feel the pain he felt as I apparently cheated on him!!! mind you I have never cheated on this man – he really is crazy, he really couldn’t care less and when I cried he starts singing to me with words from songs that say he will never be with me again and when I cried he laughed and shouted how pathetic I am, really no remorse or shame or guilt, walks around here like nothing is bothering him and avoids me at all costs, the amount of pain I feel is tremendous.
I know for a fact he wont come back this time and I know he is no good for me, just a part of me wants him to so that I can say no to this loser, I am seeing a therapist currently to help with this, can you guys please give me advise – I am terribly heartbroken :-((((((
This is a random post, but one that is interesting me, based on my own experience.
I read (forum members elsewhere discussing) today about sociopaths not having an electronic footprint, which naturally lead to some research – some German psychologists have proposed that if you don’t have a facebook page you might be a sociopath….
My previous ex (narcissist?) was someone I’d worked with for two years prior to us getting together, but he really didn’t have any electronic footprint beyond professional/legal etc. He tried Twitter (we both did) while we were together, but he couldn’t interact normally on it with our other colleagues, he couldn’t steer the conversation in that context, and he eventually gave up.
Then my most recent ex (sociopath), did have a facebook account, but he was like a passive entity on it, a bit like his fake persona in real life… He never posted to his own page, and rarely liked or commented on anything. He used it to make connections and probably private message people/targets, but he did post on my wall a few times, but his own was like there wasn’t a real person involved – never liked or commented on anything people posted to his page. I know I’ve over analysed his facebook useage, but it was abnormal….
Maybe I’m wrong, but this is something that did come up as a red flag (in my mind) in both relationships, just a niggle though, not full blown “this guy’s a weirdo!” Does anyone else have any thoughts on how sociopaths use social media, and are there signs to look out for?
I think it’s an interesting idea, to draw a parallel between their online social participation (or not) and their personality predisposition. There is a post somewhere on this site about how sociopaths are known for a couple things (depends on the sociopath type)… one was flowery, grandiose speech, another was run-on thinking that was strangely disconnected.
My ex-soc did the second and illustrated it in text with his stream-of-consciousness style that included no spaces, capitalization or paragraphs, and little punctuation. A text from him might look like this (actual example):
Originally, I’d assumed he did this to trip up any observers who might be checking his phone messages for drug involvement or illegal activities. I learned on this site that other sociopaths are known for this too.
Mine uses a lot of … after her sentences, even in text messages.
My ex uses a Facebook account, but she is judicious about what everyone sees. Our kids one is blocked and the other just gets to see what the public sees. Her “new” circle sees the I’m so happy side. Her other accounts are temporary’s that she activates and deactivates at will. I caught her at it by viewing my page source files and comparing Id numbers. One popped up as a phoney I had caught her using and sure enough, it was her. Social networking is great for Soc s. They can create themselves as anyone they want. As much as I hate to consider myself a paranoid, it is creepy to know that someone so full of malice is looking.
Oh dear, I use a lot of “….” at the end of sentences!
Not sure I am normal though, it’s only been a month since I discovered my latest was a sociopath/pathological liar at least
She has terrible grammar, lots of … and a penchant for boosting herself. Can a person be a sloppy soc? I mean, mine chose to tell all her secrets to my sister. Why would she do that? Because my sister and I weren’t close?
My ex has 3 Facebook pages that I am aware of. He doesn’t realise I know that. We were just friends on 1. Looking through his friends list, it is full of she-males and people he has never met. I do believe he uses Facebook to communicate to other targets or to satisfy his curiosity. I just don’t think it is “normal” to have she-males on your friends list. That’s just me though.
If they are actual friends it would be normal, but they’d be on your real facebook page surely.
Hadn’t thought of the multiple pages, but have ended up joining dating sites looking for both my exes. The most recent has his targets, lovers, wife and mother all on the same page – he just doesn’t interact with it publicly, and tells each one the others are a bit strange and he doesn’t really know them – I spoiled that a bit once I figured him out. They fear the truth and being exposed after all, and make their exes look mad, decided to pre-empt the whole lot and put on a show! Still doesn’t feel good though, time will do that hopefully.
Yes, the poor grammar has been a theme. With the first guy, initially I thought he was dyslexic, but eventually figured it was because he couldn’t be bothered with even trying – but this last one was foreign, so difficult to tell…. definite sloppiness when not in the loved up phase though.
I think I’ve seen run on thinking in real life(?) Not sure if this is what you mean but – A literal switch of personalities into what was nonsense coming out his mouth, which I assumed at the time was a switch from being with me (personal) to interacting with tourists, hindsight is 20:20
To xiaofu46: Maybe not a sloppy soc, just one who is no longer interested – already devaluing? I’m no expert, but I think that’s when the change in grammar/language happened with me.
About the telling your sister, was it the whole truth or just a version of it? Maybe testing the water to recruit your sister as a disciple.
I think I’ve read too many of these sites…..sorry 😀
@ Delores She told my sister secrets for years actually. I honestly think that she didn’t see my sister as capable of change and growth from her abusive relationships. That is contradictory to what I would see as a careful person. But, she mixed in just enough truth with me for years and it worked. And as far as the truth, I have read in the court statements it was a mixed bag. I would be happy to blank out names and share the files. Both sides of course. Our daughter and my step daughter statements corroborated a lot. I am trying to move past this all, but I want to know the whys and hows. Foolish me.
Possibly xiaofu, but also she could come back at a later date. They often do bounce back into your life.
To: positivagirl. Lets hope. The anti harassment order is good for a year. By the time it expires I hope to be out of this area, more emotionally fit and back into life.
Am pleased that you have this year. Hopefully at the end of the year you will be in a much stronger space and he will have no control over you.
Lol I would hope so also, but He is a She and I am the he in the relationship. Same rules apply though. Thank you for the kind words
I just recently left my sociopath boyfriend after being together for a year.
And it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Below is my story.
In the beginning everything was perfect, he was the most handsome man I had ever seen. He always looked like he had just walked off a movie set; glowing tan skin, ice blue eyes, and an incredible sculpted muscular body. We went on great dates and adventures, and drove around way too fast in his father’s million dollar sports cars. It didn’t seem real at first. It was the type of relationship movies are based on. He moved in with me less than three weeks after dating. When he knew I had fallen for him thats when I began to see the real him. The little lies were first, things I knew for a fact he was lying about but he’d look me dead in the eyes and lie.
Then the emotional abuse started, he began calling me stupid all the time (even in front of friends, turing me into a joke) and told me I should just never speak. After hearing that over and over I began to find myself questioning my thoughts, and thinking I shouldn’t say this he will say I sound “fucking retarded”. He always questioned how I made it this far in life with out him because I was an “idiot”. I began to believe him, my confidence drained from me every day. Then one day I realized I had had enough of the name calling “worthless, stupid, ” told him I would leave him, he pressed a knife to my face and said “you’re never leaving. I’ll kill you before you leave. It be so easy to kill you.” I balled my eyes out, and he got up and went to watch TV. This was the first time I realized something was truly wrong with him.
I was so scared of him, but I couldn’t leave him. He manipulated me into thinking I could not survive a day with out him and that I loved him.
The physical abuse started not long after. He never hit me, but he would throw me around like a rag doll. One time I was hiding from him in the closet praying he wouldn’t find me. He dragged me out by my hair in between the door and wall and repeatedly slammed the door on me over and over smashing my legs, I cried and screamed and begged him to stop but it was as if he couldn’t hear me.
I finally got the courage to leave him a week ago, and its been the toughest week of my life. He calls and tells me he can’t live without me and he knows I need him too. That we are made for each other and neither of us will be happy unless were together.
I don’t know what to do. I know staying with him will kill me but right now staying away from him feels like its killing me more. I keep trying to convince myself the relationship was not love, it was just manipulation but at night I find myself dreaming about him or waking up slamming my hand on the bed looking for him beside me. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, he was my protector from the world and my abuser all wrapped into one. I can’t figure out why I am so drawn to him. How do I stay away?
You say the words, and i will repeat them back to you
YOU KNOW THAT STAYING WITH HIM WILL KILL YOU!!
This is true. This man is the worst type. The violent type (They are not all violent). I know that this is tough and hard right now, but please please stick to no contact. If he is a sociopath without conscience, the worst at the very worst, it could be your life. Please don’t take that risk. Don’t be another statistic. You made the first step to get out WELL DONE…. just keep going. Next step block his number – tell him that you need time alone and wont be answering his calls so don’t contact you. If he continues then file a report for harassment.
They are like vermin and if they don’t want to let you go, can be incredibly difficult to get rid of. Believe me, it gets worse, not better.
To xiaofu46, I’m no expert, it would be nice to think there’s a start middle and finish, and that they’ll never come back…. Your situation sounds a lot worse than my two ever were.
@ Delores: I don’t think she is stalking me, but the 4 blog trash talking sucks. I was good for a bit then my eldest told me she had a new blog out. Never my name being used but I know who it is. Anxiety attacks all over again. Then I ran into her and her guy at the grocer last night. I probably should have just left my basket and walked out. But, He had offered my son pot 2 days earlier when they met for the first time, so I approached him and politely and non threateningly, told him he was out of line. I didn’t even look at my ex. Still foolish maybe of me and opening a can of worms. Drugs can be part of her life, but have no place in mine or my son’s. This is very difficult to deal with as when it comes to my kids(adult or not) I get hot fast.
I am wondering what happened to me…I started out dancing but it did not take long for the fighting to start…by then I was not in a position to get out of the relationship quickly so endured…fighting….until I could kick his ass to the curb…still had to endure abuse but it was not dancing by any stretch…
Alright so I was on grindr (im bi and not very open about it.) I was only looking for a hookup. He seemed like a cool decent guy, we talked and seemed to really hit it off we were spending a lot of nights together and he would always text me while I was working nights begging me to come be with him and how he wanted to “make love”. I thought wow this is love and we ended up not going all the way with sex for 5 months this was a big deal to me as i was a Top and so was he. I really thought he was the one so I gave in and he promised me he would never do anything to hurt me.
He knew everything about me knew how weak I was on the inside he knew i was a rape victim as i made him promise me he would never do that to me. After the 5 months and the sex things started changing I sent him a text one day asking where this was going and he wanted me to come over for dinner so he could come clean or whatever about his life. He cooked and I brought the bottle of wine, he poured me a second glass of wine and then looked at me in this weird way I noticed he looked at my hands. then out comes “I haven’t told you about my second Job… Im a part time ******* county sheriffs deputy” I thought i was going to have to lift my jaw off the dinner table. I was in shock and felt so sad for this guy i was living a secret life and he was also. i couldent sleep at all that night in bed i was tossing and turning and he told me I didn’t have to stay if i didn’t want to so i left. I kept seeing him and would always beg me to come back he was all about how i had been the only guy he had been seeing etc. in all this lasted for 2 years and i feel so used and stupid. I went to a therapist and was to much under his control to realize what was going on. I now understood what he meant by what i didn’t know couldent hurt me.
Now when I discovered the real him, he was out of town in a larger city staying in a hotel for work and we had planned on spending the night together. HE decided we would have a threesome and would find us a bottom after all we had 3 of these before I even knew he was a cop, so we both get on grindr. 3 days later when hes back in town i get a message on grindr. The dumbass didn’t realize who i even was i responded hey i think we were in the same hotel room a few nights ago. it was no big deal i as on grindr to but he couldent admit to me it was him on the other side asking me my stats etc. he told me where he lived before realizing it was me. i then started getting text after i got off of grindr. asking me what was going on etc. I WENT THE **** OFF. he said that he got it I had to protect myself from him and he should have never been that person. He feels like he lives behind a wall that can never be torn down and just wants to fix all the worlds problems. the best one tho was asking what it meant for us. hes got a woman now who he hid from me. god i feel bad for her. I have went no contact. lost my job most of my friends and moved 4 hours away. I just want to start my life over. I do feel kinda lonely tho without the fake I miss you text.
Why is it so hard to let go of a psychopath, even when deep down you really don’t like him and know he’s horrible for you. Why does my heart ache so bad and I’m so scared and hurt to let go. Keep in mind I’ve been putting up with his ignorant ass for 24 years!
I dated a guy for 8 months in highschool. We were really good friends for more than a year before we started dating so I thought I knew him really well. He was charming and nice to me and made me feel really special. He was mean to a lot of people and told me I was really the only person he cared about. He stole stuff and hurt people and was really manipulative but stupidly I didn’t think much of it. Then about 5 months into the relationship he started to get kind of distant and would make up more excuses and one time literally hid from me to avoid hanging out, (I caught him and he made up some bs excuse that I knew was a lie and he apologized until I said I forgave him). Then in the last month he was getting really distant and one day asked if we could talk. So I said yes and he told me he “missed being alone”. I asked him what the hell he meant and he said how the relationship was all a game for him and he used me to “hookup” (kiss) and talking to me was a burden. I started to tear up and I saw him smile and I screamed that I knew he enjoyed watching me hurt. He suggested we be friends and I told him that that would never happen and I walked away. Then a few days later he texted me saying how he was sorry and the silence of me not texting him was killing him and he truly felt bad. I told him to leave me alone and I later found out he was on drugs when he messaged me that. A few weeks after I hear rumors spreading that we had sex (which is not true). I confronted him about it and he denied it and I haven’t talked to him since. I know he still tells people the rumor but I refuse to speak to him ever again so I will have to deal with the rumor I guess. Months and months later he is still in my dreams and I still cry a lot about the whole thing. It hurts so bad to be lied to and used when you thought you knew the person so well. It makes me not want to trust anymore, and this sounds messed up but I kind of am wishing I was a sociopath so I don’t have to deal with these feelings anymore. It sucks so bad, especially when he was my first kiss and first boyfriend…. Help ):
I came across this site today and it was like a punch in the face. Every sign of dating a sociopath was relevant. I was married to a great man, with 3 young children when I started working at a new job and fell in love with my boss. He is 45 and the VP of the company and I am 33. He was also married and had 2 kids. He told me that he was in a doomed marriage and that he was planning to leave with or without meeting me and I was no longer attracted to my husband so when this extremely charismatic, handsome, successful man came along I was swept off my feet. He would go on and on with crazy stories about his past to impress me. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before (within the first couple of weeks) and we would leave the office every single day to be together at lunch. He also had that stare that everyone talks about on here- he would literally look at me like he wanted to eat me and I thought it was because I was special. I had never had a man look at me that way and he had the most deep and mysterious eyes I was spellbound.
As the relationship progressed we both left our spouses to start a life together. I was so happy. He didnt have any friends from his past and didnt understand why I placed so much importance on my friends and family. He would always say he wished he could move me away somewhere so we could be alone all the time. Any time I would make plans that didnt involve him he would get upset or pout. My whole family thought he was a manipulating smooth talker and he told me they were just out to destroy us. I was so blindly in love that I didnt listen to them.
Sexually, he was never satisfied. He wanted to have sex with me three times a day, would try to wake me up to have sex, was constantly groping me and loved the idea of tying me up so I would “submit” to him. I thought he just had a very active sex drive but now I see it was all about control. He was obsessed with “giving me pleasure” when in reality it was just to boost his own ego about what a great lover he was.
In an argument he would always find a way to manipulate my words to make it seem like it was my fault- he was verrrry good at this.
Contrary to most stories on here he is a very successful businessman who makes good money however he used to brag all the time about how he didnt do much- he would just get other people to do his work and pull the strings from the top. Since he had more money than I did and I am a single mom he volunteered to “control my finances” so that I wouldt get into finanacial trouble. He was also a true gentleman about NEVER letting me pay for anything we did together. I realize now that he wanted me to think I couldnt do it without him.
He didnt care about anyone elses feelings and showed absolutley no remorse or guilt ever. He positioned it as “I only care about you. You are the center of my universe and everyone else doesnt matter”
He was also very jealous, as was I, mostly because of the circumstances in which we met. He would get mad at me for talking to another guy in a bar and tell me that I had a constant need for outside affirmation that I was beautiful when really I was just being friendly. he stopped going out to bars and would go to bed early on business trips just so that I would do the same or it would be a double standard.
The final blow came when I had to postpone plans with him because I had to take my son to a bday party I had forgotten about. His response was “I’m tired of being a backseat to all your shit”.
I broke it off with him 4 days ago and I have gone through all of the stages of grief multiple times. I tend to focus on all of the good times we had because when they were good they were absolutely fantastic. I am having trouble admitting to myself that the whole thing was a sham because he really did make me feel loved when it was just the two of us. He has now shut me out of his life completely by blocking me from facebook, etc. He told me when I ended it that we would both move and meet new people easily and that he knew he wouldnt have a problem finding someone right away. I dont know if this was his way of trying to make me jealous or if he really is indifferent. I have brokendown and contacted him a couple of times and he was very cold, telling me we both had to move on and I had made my choice. I am trying to stay strong but it is like a drug addiction that I am detoxing from.
Thank you for the great website…
Not sure if this is where “my story” is supposed to go, and I won’t go on and on for several reasons. In a nutshell, I only discovered well after the fact that the “love-of-my-life” is a sociopath/narcissist devoid of any real conscience who only used me for six years at a very vulnerable time (when I was newly separated from a long abusive marriage). And the discard, brutal and traumatic as it was, happened several years ago.
The problem I had that others don’t seem to was a complete inability to let go. I never heard of “no contact” rules and had no idea how much worse I’d feel [instead of better, which was what I was going for!] by reaching out to him periodically. Because I know his track record with women so well, I figured the new relationship – one he significantly gains from financially – would crash and burn long since. That’s what I was waiting so patiently to learn. But tragically, it’s not what I ever heard: he’s sticking to her like glue because of all the tangible benefits he’s getting.
The last time I made an attempt to put out feelers, he did something I never thought possible. He told me “never contact him again.” I still can’t believe the person who told me he would always treat me with kindness and respect ended up burning all bridges in such a “final” way. I think what I’m looking for now is whether or not this has happened to anyone else?? I’ve read several other victims stories, but I don’t think I’ve come across this.
If you can, please help!! I don’t think I’ll ever heal from those six years I thought of as bliss and paradise, especially since I still haven’t. And he’s denied me the satisfaction of hearing about it when that woman he so easily replaced me for is finally gone from his life. But at least it would help if I could know I’m not alone in actually being told by the sociopath who ended up destroying me never to contact him again. Even just one other person who’s been told the same would help make me feel I’m not completely alone in this horror story I can’t seem to wake up from.
Before I met this man, I had no idea what a sociopath even was. All I knew was that he was different. I knew from the minute I met him that he wasn’t normal, but me being a free spirited artist, I admired his abnormalities and instead of seeing all of the red flags I saw what I wanted, blinded by “love”. He showered me with affection and gifts just like they all do and I immediately fell into his game. He made an almost immediate attempt to get to know the real me in order to manipulate me. He mirrored my personality and made me believe that he was everything I had spent my whole life searching for. We spent the first two months of January and February living in a dream world, but it didn’t take long for me to notice that he was not the type of person you spend the rest of your life with. It started with little things; the first one being that he never apologized for anything. When a girl complains about her image or well-being, she wants the boyfriend to comfort her and tell her it’s okay. My sociopath, however, would tell me that it’s my fault. If I complained about my bad skin, he would tell me to stop wearing so much makeup and wash my face more. If I felt sick, he would tell me to stop going out so much and being irresponsible and then I might feel better. It stung me, but I ignored it.
Then came the miserable night in March when I caught a glimpse of the monster inside of him. I went to the emergency room for an old condition I used to have, calling him in hopes that he would pick me up and care for me. He knew that I was in a great amount of pain, but seemed to be quite irritated by it. He refused to pick me up and told me that it’s my fault I’m in there. He believed he shouldnt have to get out of his bed and come pick me up when it was my own fault for not taking better care of myself like he told me to. Feeling betrayed and alone, I immediately broke up with him while still in the hospital bed. For the next 3 hours he sent me message after message telling me that I am nothing and that he will carelessly replace me in a heart beat with someone who is “ten times hotter”. He claimed he could have had sex with her long ago but held off because of me, attempting to pin the break up on me and trying to make me believe I made a horrible mistake.
I ignored him for the weekend while he begged and pleaded for a second chance. Somehow, through his sociopathic manipulative ways, he snaked his way back into my life and earned a second chance with me. It was then that he began the sexual abuse. His birthday rolled around and he forced me to do things I did NOT want to do. I screamed, I cried, I begged him to stop and told him he was hurting me. But he enjoyed it. He got off on his control over me and had a sick fascination with seeing me suffer. He slapped me so hard I was covered in purple welts for two weeks and hid it under my clothes. And he somehow got away with it by saying he just wanted to experiment and that any other girl would do it for him. Again, making me feel like I was the one making a mistake.
In the month of April, I began to bury myself in websites and forums about sociopaths. And to my horror I discovered who he really was. Every day after that was spent trying to find a way out of his trap, but the farther I ran the quicker he came after me. When I met him he attended a community college. Towards the end of the spring semester, he told me he decided to transfer to my college. Not only that; he signed a lease to an apartment complex under 5 minutes away from mine. I knew I had to get away from him as quickly as I could.
Summer began and I went back to my parents house. I worked 5 days a week and met someone new. We are still, to this day, in a relationship. But his presence in my life has added fuel to the fire of my sociopath. He lost his mind, beginning to park in front of my house every single day for two months straight. He took my bus to school, even lingered outside of my classroom once or twice just to remind me that he’s there and there’s no getting rid of him. “I’m going to pursue you for the rest of my life”, he once said to me.
Now, it is December. It has been almost an entire year of psychological trauma and living in fear of what he’ll do next. I only pray that my boyfriend remains safe and away from this evil, heartless monster and his sick obsession.
Hi, I am so sorry for the delay in reply to you. I am also going to send a reply to your email. This man is a very dangerofrous man, and could possibly be a psychopath. He is dangerous, violent. I really urge you to contact the police. To keep records of everything. Do not feel ashamed that this has happened and keep it to yourself, it is important that you tell people that are close to you, what has happened. If necessary I think that you might have to get an injunction/restraining order to keep him away from you. It sounds as if he is keeping you in fear. I will also send a message to your email. Please stay safe.
Hello, and thank you for make me feel welcome and safe on this page.
I’m a gay man that was involved with a sociopath for 4 years. My relationship with him followed the sociopath text book in every aspect. We even got married in CA on December 14 last year. At the end, I was isolated, no friends, he was creating distance even between me and my daughters, since he saw them as a threat, and he would never leave me alone, even if I was going to the supermarket. I was also supporting him for the last two years, while “he was starting a new career”. But there is a twist here and I don’t see many people experiencing the break up like I did. I found out about the cheating reading text messages on his phone with dozens of male prostitutes for the last two and as half years. After confronting him on a public place, he asked me if we could go home and discuss this in private. I agreed, but took my time to drive home, in an effort to relax after finding everything out. When I got home, I found him passed out on the floor after taking a cocktail of prescription drugs. He survived and when I had a chance to talk to him at the hospital I said that the relationship was over and that I had pulled the plug on all the benefits he was enjoying until then. At that moment, I saw in his eyes the cold soulless person he really is. He left the hospital after being served with the divorce papers and immediately moved back to Florida to live with his family in West Palm Beach and never contact me again, what is odd since I read when sociopaths get caught they usually come after you trying to lure you back. I’m now going through the divorce from this monster and he hasn’t made any demands so far, it seems that all he wants is to get away from me, since I’ve been exposing him in social media.
Welcome vrf, by exposing him, and putting your energy into this, you are giving away your power, and giving away your energy that really could be used for you. To help, and heal you, sociopaths thrive on energy and attention…… positive or negative, they don’t particularly care. They just like playing the game. The best revenge of all, would be to give no energy to it at all. Nothing. By giving nothing he will act out and show his true colours…… doing what you are doing, you risk giving him ammunition to label you as crazy and obsessed, even if not to your face, he will to others, next he will be telling others about your state of mind and mental health etc, all behind your back. They are masters of deception….. I will have to edit his name from your comment when I get onto my laptop, I am on my tablet and cant do so right now. Sociopaths could find a needle in a haystack, while you might want him to know that you are exposing him, a true sociopath wouldn’t take that lying down and would flip the situation around in an instant.
@vrf92, all of us know from experience how hard is to see the truth. Be careful and don’t let your pain dictate what you will do. Exposing him on social media can only give problems to you. So please, concentrate on your recuperation, and not on revenge. Best of wishes.
vrf792, I think you see their true characters very clearly once they realise you’ve seen through them, and if you made it clear that he’d never get anymore source of supply, emotional or financial from you, that would explain the disappearing act. The overdose was the cry for help that was meant to fool you but didn’t work.
I know from experience, even now, the desire to have some sort of closure or apology, even if it’s empty, but it’s also unlikely to happen, unless he thinks he can get something from you.
Like you, I went on a mad exposing spree – not so mad, I did target his friends and potential lovers/sources of income, with some success. You will get passed this though, and it starts by realising you’ve won already by getting rid of him. He’s still the sad pathetic illusion that you saw through. Things will get better, just don’t let the understandable need for revenge or to warn others be your whole focus or take over who you are.
vrf792 Dolores & NMI are right, don’t over expose because, ultimately you look crazy. Don’t let ‘crazy making behavior’ turn you into something you are not. Use your pain to heal yourself. Revenge will give you temporary satisfaction & a sense of power but, inevitably you will still have to deal with the knowledge that you were betrayed by someone you cared for. Keep going & find other things to keep you busy.
Love & light 🙂
PR aka Awareb4 xoxo
I decided to share my story although I am not sure if my (ex) boyfriend is actually a sociopath but he has some traits.
First things first, we met online through a site that you chat with camera. We were from different countries and english is not our native language. He was a very charming,handsome man,a little older than me (no more than 5 years) and had the most wonderful smile I had ever seen. Before we close the chat he gave me his skype and number and a week after we had our first skype chat. I was the type of the insecure girl,afraid too much that he won’t like me but I didn’t express these concerns immediately.
Since our first skype chat,he called me a “goddess”, something that really felt off and he continued on the next chats until I told him that we don’t really know each other and it made me feel somehow awkward. He then stopped and everything was actually going great afterwards. We started talking more and more and he would compliment me and say what a beauty I was and we had more and more and more in common. He called me his “soulmate” before he even meets me,something that it felt off but also very good because i had never had a boyfriend. There were nights in the beginning that I would feel very tired and I had school the next day so I was always letting him know that I was going to sleep so I won’t be late at school. He started paying back saying that he had a headache and can’t have a chat and that I ignored him when he was able anyway.
We finally met 4 months after, he visited me and I was totally in love with him. He was perfect. He was handsome,artistic, romantic,he said he wanted to marry me etc. After he left,he called in sick from his job and visited me a week before my final exams. During my exams however, he started disappearing suddenly without a reason. He was texting less and less and he didn’t write me at all in the weekend. We hadn’t argued or something and then on Sunday afternoon,he wrote me that he harmed himself and that he couldn’t stand the long distance anymore. He promised not to do this again, not to give me the silent treatment. He had given me the silent treatment before we meet and had promised before not to do it.
After that I forgave him and visited him for summer vacations. Everything was heavenly and he had bought me an expensive jewellery for my birthday and also remembered our 8 month anniversary. During that time I noticed that I had only met his parents (because he’s living with them) but non of his circle. He had met my best friend and some other friends of mine as well. He had told me that he doesn’t make friends easily because they all look for themselves and he doesn’t match with anyone. All in all,he had no friends except a guy from facebook who also lives in a different country and is also antisocial to the core. And I had met none of his surroundings except his parents and a co-worker who happened to be there at the time he was working.
When I went back to my country, he gave me another silent treatment. No reason this time..again… I thought that I should end this before it takes over me. I was totally depended on him. He made me think that together we’ll be happy and live the dream. He came back from the silent treatment begging for my forgiveness and asking me to get back together. I said okay because I was so in love. He was my first love and he had said all these good things that make you believe he’s the one.
A month ago we had some arguments and was saying that his problems are more important than mine and that actually mine were “nothing” compared to his. He was saying that I don’t understand him and we were arguing about that. According to him I was acting out like a crazy person who doesn’t understand him. Anyway,we got back together (guess who said sorry…) and one day later silent treatment strikes again. He held it for half a week and then decided to come back and of course I said yes because I have booked the tickets to visit him for Xmas. He told me that this situation is not a routine and he won’t repeat it again.
We were actually good for a while,not arguments, but I had to play nice and not hurt in order not to lose him again with a silent treatment. We were looking forward for Christmas but suddenly his router went bad and he told me he’d buy one soon. I was okay with that, we were still texting while he was working but not too much,just the basics “hi,how are you?” with hearts,smileys etc.
Now he has disappeared for more than a week. I cried,I texted him every day, I called him but no response. I stopped writing/calling since yesterday and now I have a broken heart but I also feel optimistic for the future.
I thought he was the only one. And here is why: He was charming,intelligent, handsome and always said the right thing. He knew all my weaknesses and made me feel better about myself. He seemed to be crazily in love with me. He was always saying that he wants to marry me,that I was the woman of his life and that he’s the luckiest man to have me in his life. He also said that I was the only one that he could be himself with.
But he knew how the silent treatment made me feel. I let him know that when we were together. It is proved that it was like I told him that I am allergic to peanuts and eversince he’s feeding me with peanuts. He knew that I was crazy for him when he did that. I was saying how I love him and beg him to break the silence and get back together. I felt like nothing,worthless and miserable when he did that and I told him about my feelings but he’s still giving me the silent treatment.
I don’t know what to do. I can see some or better most of the socio traits in him but I am not sure.
I have read this advice at various places on the internet, but unfortunately that advice came far too late for me. I didn’t even fully realize he was a sociopath (though I knew he was a narcissist) until years after the discard, and especially after the final email of “Subject: Hi there, Message: Never contact me again!” After that I began my intense research and realized it was because he is now fully entrenched with his new victim/partner and gaining too much benefit from it to jeopardize it by continuing to be in contact with me (who she was already extremely jealous of from the start).
Obviously, I did not go by the No Contact rule. In fact, I did just the opposite and tried contacting him periodically for years believing that relationship would have crashed and burned. He’s not good at relationships and even with me he was never monogamous. We were on-again, off-again, and I only stuck by him because I was head-over-heels in love [sadly, for the one and only time in my life]. It was also right after I was divorced, so I was quite vulnerable after a long and miserable marriage. Imagine my delight when I found “my prince charming!” There’s no way I could have ever known after years what he would end up doing to me. I feel completely destroyed and no one has come close to measuring up, which is why I’ve tried but not found anyone else.
I guess my question is, did my ongoing contact (every few months or so) do any further harm than was already done by him dumping me for a “sugar mommy?” He expected me to accept that relationship, and I’m proud that I never ever did. I think that galled him — good. If there was one thing he was never going to get from me, it was acceptance and forgiveness.
My post:
“The question of NC, or “No Contact”… I have read this advice at various places on the internet, but unfortunately that advice came far too late for me. I didn’t even fully realize he was a sociopath (though I knew he was a narcissist) until years after the discard, and especially after the final email […]”
Reply:
“Hi black cat, it would have done harm to you lengthening your pain. But not to him, only to massage his ego of how amazing he is,”
It’s too late to say that it lengthened my pain (for over five years!) and massaged his ego of how amazing he is. My question now is, after all these years of investment, HOW CAN I MAKE ANY IMPACT WITH HIM? I read a new post today about a woman who can’t believe the guy she’s in love with is a Sociopath just using her, although after what I went through for many years, I now know she’s in the exact same boat I was in. There MUST BE SOMETHING I CAN SAY to get at him. Can anyone PLEASE tell me what it would be?! I feel there are only two ways I can heal: 1) I find someone else to love (which I haven’t in over five years) or 2) I get back at him with words. There is nothing else. CAN’T ANYONE HERE WITH EXPERIENCE HELP?
Hi Black cat, why do you want to make an ‘impact’ with him? Hasn’t he made enough impact on you and your life? Hasn’t he done enough to you? If you don’t get his attention, go celebrate your freedom, go enjoy and celebrate your freedom. You will never ‘get at him’ because he doesn’t care. You are just torturing yourself. You don’t need someone else to make you happy. You don’t need someone elses permission to be happy. YOU are in control of you, your life and your own choices. You are asking and expecting the impossible. To expect someone to care, who quite simply cares about ONE person – HIMSELF….
You give yourself TWO OPTIONS I am telling you that there are THREE…. the third and most important one is your own choice, and this is to LOVE YOURSELF. Treat yourself as your own best friend, just love yourself, treat yourself well. Set yourself goals and targets for you no matter how small they are, and set those goals and start achieving.
You want to know how to get back at him> Really get back at him…. to walk away, to hold your head up high and start living life for you. THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL!!!! This has already taken five years of your life. Another year is coming up. Please set some goals for you WITHOUT him….. let go, please let go, so that you can grow.
Those are the exact words he used to tell me: “you can be happy alone, you don’t need anyone else to make you happy, the best revenge is living well!” You sound exactly like him. Sorry, but those strategies aren’t working for me. Not only that, they echo his exact hurtful words to me. ;-(
blackcat36
I am sorry if this hurts you black cat. But all of those things are true as any survivor will tell you, try to see it another way, see this as addiction, imagine you were addicted to cigarettes, you wanted to quit they were choking you and taking all your money. Which would be the best strategy? Keeping smoking sometimes so you didn’t have pain withdrawal ….. or quit full stop, go through pain of withdrawal start to have more cash, more energy, more time to do other things? By feeding the addiction you are feeding the monster within, he is not amazing you are.
The more of these that I read the more obvious it becomes that my ex husband fits on here too…so yeah went from a bad one to a worse one…
@Blackcat, no one says that it will be easy, but I assure you that it will be the best. So please, cut the strings and begin to walk far away from him.
Hi, I dated my Psycho/Socio/Narcissist back in 1990 and he was a 6ft 8 18 stone gentle giant, good fun, kind yet a bit egotistical. We split a year later a remained friends and in contact for years. I met my partner had 2 daughters and was content with life in general. Fast forward to May this year when I ran into my ex, I split with the girls dad and 16 weeks later Mr X, after 16 weeks of love bombing, declarations of undying love, lies, empty promises (all of which I fell for hook line and sinker), I married the guy at Gretna Green in August this year. All was well in my little life until 2 days into the honeymoon when the ‘mask’ fell off big style! He accused me of sleeping with the barman, taking drugs and texting men via FB! I was astonished, how could this loving, gentle guy turn on me so viciously?! Over the next 3 months he hit me, tortured me mentally claiming I was bi-polar, alcoholic, manic depressive and had a borderline personality disorder! I was at my wits end and convinced myself I was the one who was nuts. I turned detective in the end and found out he was £55k in debt, had bad credit, wasn’t working when he said he was, I don’t think he was cheating with anyone else but he did stalk my ex partner and confronted him one day claiming I was a psycho, had bulimia and ASPD! He was a crap liar so I began to question him and he hated that! I had sussed him out and it made him furious!!!! I refused to let him live with me as I was afraid of him being around my girls – this tipped him over the edge! I have a £500k house, earn a good wage, a new car and lots of friends. I was damned if this unemployed psycho was going to wreck mine and my kids life and bleed me dry financially! I maintained NC for 3 weeks when he reappeared crying, saying he couldn’t live without me and the kids, would get a job and do anything for us to stay together. Like a fool I believed him and took him back (still not let him move in tho’) and then after a month he walked out and wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. I was distraught! I went to his house in the end to get answers and he called the police and claimed I was harassing HIM! He’s 6ft 8 and 18 stone ffs! I’m 5’10 and 11 stone.
After another 6 weeks of NC and a shitload of research on line I now realize what he is – a loser for one thing, but predominately a psychopathic narcissist. He lied, stalked my ex, was violent, claimed to know famous people, hated and mistrusted anyone but his own mother, accused me of being crazy, was a sexual deviant wanting me to sleep with other men in front of him (I thought men like the idea of 2 women not another man – perhaps he’s gay too!). I’ve since heard he interfered with his ex’s son, took drugs and tried to get her involved in ‘dogging’ (Google it!)
Anyway, revenge is a dish best served cold and boy is he going to get it big style! I’ve applied for an annulment on HIS mental incapacity, applied for financial assistance from him (he has 2 step daughters and a wife after all!!), reported him for numerous tax avoidence, signed him up to gay websites, reported him for handling stolen goods – you name it he’s getting it. Now, you may think this is mad but let me tell you this – I won, by not letting him get his way, seeing through him, refusing to let him move in, but best of all finding out through forums like these that it’s HIM with the problem not me and he will NEVER be truly happy. NC is the future no matter how hard, so be strong sisters, there is hope for all of us – just don’t marry the loser like I did 🙂
@Lisa,
Talk to her and be clear on letting her know that you know what’s happening, that you are avalaible for her no matter what. If you have the chance to talk to her teraphist let them know about the abusive conduct of her partner. You have to be patient and strong…the time will come when she at last make her cry for help. As I repeated before try to read, “Why he does it?” Not every abuser is a psychopath, but every psycopath is an abuser.
@Foxechick,
I’m glad that you were able to give him a spoon of his own medicine…my Pinochio had the same fantasy and tortured me trying that I said names of men that I want to have a threesome with him or if I want to be with someone we encounter during the day..I never undestood this
I came across this site today and it was like a punch in the face. Every sign of dating a sociopath was relevant. I was married to a great man, with 3 young children when I started working at a new job and fell in love with my boss. He is 45 and the VP of the company and I am 33. He was also married and had 2 kids. He told me that he was in a doomed marriage and that he was planning to leave with or without meeting me and I was no longer attracted to my husband so when this extremely charismatic, handsome, successful man came along I was swept off my feet. He would go on and on with crazy stories about his past to impress me. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before (within the first couple of weeks) and we would leave the office every single day to be together at lunch. He also had that stare that everyone talks about on here- he would literally look at me like he wanted to eat me and I thought it was because I was special. I had never had a man look at me that way and he had the most deep and mysterious eyes I was spellbound.
As the relationship progressed we both left our spouses to start a life together. I was so happy. He didnt have any friends from his past and didnt understand why I placed so much importance on my friends and family. He would always say he wished he could move me away somewhere so we could be alone all the time. Any time I would make plans that didnt involve him he would get upset or pout. My whole family thought he was a manipulating smooth talker and he told me they were just out to destroy us. I was so blindly in love that I didnt listen to them.
Sexually, he was never satisfied. He wanted to have sex with me three times a day, would try to wake me up to have sex, was constantly groping me and loved the idea of tying me up so I would “submit” to him. I thought he just had a very active sex drive but now I see it was all about control. He was obsessed with “giving me pleasure” when in reality it was just to boost his own ego about what a great lover he was.
In an argument he would always find a way to manipulate my words to make it seem like it was my fault- he was verrrry good at this.
Contrary to most stories on here he is a very successful businessman who makes good money however he used to brag all the time about how he didnt do much- he would just get other people to do his work and pull the strings from the top. Since he had more money than I did and I am a single mom he volunteered to “control my finances” so that I wouldt get into finanacial trouble. He was also a true gentleman about NEVER letting me pay for anything we did together. I realize now that he wanted me to think I couldnt do it without him.
He didnt care about anyone elses feelings and showed absolutley no remorse or guilt ever. He positioned it as “I only care about you. You are the center of my universe and everyone else doesnt matter”
He was also very jealous, as was I, mostly because of the circumstances in which we met. He would get mad at me for talking to another guy in a bar and tell me that I had a constant need for outside affirmation that I was beautiful when really I was just being friendly. he stopped going out to bars and would go to bed early on business trips just so that I would do the same or it would be a double standard.
The final blow came when I had to postpone plans with him because I had to take my son to a bday party I had forgotten about. His response was “I’m tired of being a backseat to all your shit”.
I broke it off with him 4 days ago and I have gone through all of the stages of grief multiple times. I tend to focus on all of the good times we had because when they were good they were absolutely fantastic. I am having trouble admitting to myself that the whole thing was a sham because he really did make me feel loved when it was just the two of us. He has now shut me out of his life completely by blocking me from facebook, etc. He told me when I ended it that we would both move and meet new people easily and that he knew he wouldnt have a problem finding someone right away. I dont know if this was his way of trying to make me jealous or if he really is indifferent. I have brokendown and contacted him a couple of times and he was very cold, telling me we both had to move on and I had made my choice. I am trying to stay strong but it is like a drug addiction that I am detoxing from.
Thank you for the great website…
Hi smarter, welcome to the site. I am unsure if he is a sociopath from what you describe. he sounds like a self obsessed asshole, yes, but am unsure about sociopath. They do so much destruction to a persons life…. beyond what is even thinkable (just one thing) – yet they do a whole heap of things over and over. As if it is the most normal thing in the world.
But – what he is, doesn’t matter. What is important is how his behaviour towards you, has made you feel about you. It could be, in your situation that you were both married, and wanted to leave your partners….. got together and it didn’t work out, when it didn’t or when it wasn’t what he expected, he went cold on you? A sociopath would deliberately target you, be the perfect person, mirroring you but all of the time, behind your back is causing carnage. Its a deliberate attempt to cause carnage in your life. He sounds like he has turned your world upside down, and caused you considerable pain. Are you still working with him?
Posativagirl, I read Smarter’s story and agree that it didn’t fit the traditional sociopath modus operandi. Every case I’ve read (and I’ve been reading a lot online over these past difficult years of painful and dubious recovery) have ended with the sociopath initiating the discard, either directly or indirectly. In my case, he ‘coincidentally’ ended our relationship when the housing market crashed and he knew I could no longer follow through on plans to sell my house and use the profit to move closer in to the city (which is what he always wanted). He never even gave any good reasons for ending our six-year on-and-off relationship — that’s because he didn’t have any “good” reasons. Sociopaths are all about usage, manipulation, and intentional game-playing to ensure ‘ownership’ of their mate and thereby maximize their ego and lifestyle. My mistake [aside from being totally blinded from start to horrific finish] was being ignorant of no-contact for years afterward, just hoping I could get back to my ‘fix.’ I now believe addictions to some people are as hard to break as any drug addiction. And sociopaths have honed their skills over their entire lifetime becoming addictive to people.
Gosh you had a lucky escape i was forced to sell my house when the housing market collapsed 5 years ago i had to as was having a baby, he wouldnt speak to me … He did when he needed somewhere to stay i had no clue of this and thought it was a ‘normal’ relationship. It was anything but. I agree it is intentional game playing they know what they are doing. Yes you are also right about addiction too i know this from my work with people who were drug dependent
Thanks for the reply positvagirl. I know it doesnt seem like he is a sociopath because I got out of the relationship right before he had full financial control over me. He literally has every single sign that is listed on the 18 signs so I am sure that he is. When I met him he told me he wasnt capable of love or emotions- I should have listened to him. I dont have any evidence of him lying or cheating but he is sooo very good at it that I’m sure there have been many times.
It has been a month and a half now that we broke up for the final time. I am trying to get over him but its hard and my mind constantly drifts back to the good times we had because they were sooo good. The passion that we shared was unlike anything I have ever experienced. We would have sex 3 times a day and when I started to back off from that because I had other things that needed to get done in the day he claimed that I manipulated him at the beginning to make him think that I had the same sex drive as him.
The reason that I am writing today is because he just called me this morning. We still do work in the same office and he wanted to apologize for being cold with me the last couple of days. He said that he couldn’t look at me because he didn’t know how to stop loving me. He said I looked like I was doing ok and he wanted some advice on how to move on. (I have been trying my best to act like I’m ok because that is what I read on here is the best defense against them). Up until now he has been telling me to move on….that what we had was just a fling…that he was going to get back into the dating world, etc. Now he is saying that he cant move on because he is still in love with me. Do you think he is just trying to see if I am pining for him?? This phone call set me back a few steps 😦
Okay, I wasn’t sure if my last ex-boyfriend was a sociopath or a narcissist or what, but reading your story…well, if yours was a socio/psychopath, then mine was too because, holy christ, are these two guys similar.
My ex also made degrading comments about women and their competence, pause, then laugh and say “It was just a joke!”. One day, he admitted he was only “30% joking”. I’m a feminist, I did not take it well. His disdain towards women wasn’t so casual: he actually HATES women. He’s given excuses and reasons why he does, but I don’t feel it justifies prejudice and misogyny. And telling me “You’re funny/smart. For a woman” doesn’t make it better either -_-.
The reason I bring this up is I’m honestly afraid one day I’ll watch the news and there his face will be: The New Ted Bundy. I know he’s capable of violence. One time he sat on my chest, just ‘playing around’, but when I stopped laughing, started to panic because I couldn’t breathe and started to claw desperately at him, the look on his face still haunts me to this day. He was watching my face with this sort of…detachment. He wasn’t watching me, his girlfriend at the time, gasp for air. He was watching me like…I wasn’t there? I was just some THING he was doing this to and he had this creepy, sort of excited and intrigued expression. He reminded me of a little boy slowly pulling the wings off of a butterfly just to see what would happen. Of course when he finally got up off of me, it was “Just a joke!”. As always.
The worst was when we were drunk and arguing. He was very verbally abusive and would twist my words around during arguments so I always ended up confused and apologizing, but this time I’d had enough. I don’t even remember what I said, but next thing I knew, he had me by the neck, slammed up against his bookcase. He slammed me to the left into his TV, then back up against the bookcase. I, again, was clawing desperately at his face but couldn’t reach him and start to try to scream. His reaction? “SHHHHH. SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU’LL WAKE UP MY DAD”. That was all he cared about…
The next day he pouted at me and mumbled “You HATE me. You think I’m the WORST boyfriend ever” and I found myself leaning down to hug his shoulders and said “No. I don’t hate you. You’re not a bad boyfriend. I’m sorry” and I felt dead inside. I thank god he dumped me for his co-worker a week or two after that, if we’d stayed together, the violence would have escalated.
What creeps me out a lot is that he showed up at my house one night recently. Granted, he DOES live nearby, but he spends the majority of his time at his new-new girlfriends house. I had no idea why he was at my place, sitting in his car. I was standing outside the drivers window, barefoot, after he texted me to come outside and he kept insisting I get in the car. “C’mon, I wanna go to such and such a place, c’mooonnnn. Like old times. Get in the car. C’mon, please? We’re just gonna go to such and such a place. It’ll be fun, c’mmmonnn, get in the car!” with this big smile. I immediately felt something was off. Why the hell was he here? We never spoke, we never hung out. He just showed up and just REALLY wanted me in that car, didn’t matter if I was barefoot. My gut was screaming NO. I told him “I’m expecting a call from my boyfriend soon, I can’t go anywhere. Lets just sit on this bench if you wanna talk for a bit?” and his face just fell into a scowl. We sat on the bench making awkward conversation until he left a few minutes later. All enthusiasm he had for hanging out with me seemed to be wrapped up in me getting into that car and the moment it was clear that nuh-uh, not getting in the car, the whole “Heyyyy let’s hang, like old times!” act died.
Was he hoping to get some sexy times from an ex (wouldn’t have happened)? I feel like he had something much darker in mind. Maybe I’m paranoid. Who knows.
OH. How could I forget: the admission that he’d spent his teen years fantasizing about killing women. They had been hyper violent sexualized fantasies. He “took care of himself” about 6-9 times a day AND wanted sex constantly. He, too, got off on Submission/Control. I was fine with it at the time, I figured everybody has their kinks…what goes down in the bedroom is very different from what you do in the rest of your life. I justified his violent-sexual-murder fantasies towards women admission as just some weird phase he went through as an overly horny and confused teenager. Figured his brain was just going to some weird, dark places as a form of experimentation.
Now that I know serial killers start out with in depth, highly detailed fantasies and cross the boundary into actual violence when the fantasies aren’t doing it for them any more. I’m not religious, but I seriously pray to God that my ex doesn’t start preying on women and doing awful things to them. It doesn’t help his case that I later discovered his 6 year long ‘crush’ on me before we dated wasn’t so much a crush but actually him stalking me. For 6 years. Then I dated him. Maybe I should be focusing more on what’s wrong with ME.
Hi Wintersdaughter it is scary isn’t it, when you see the patterns, and then see similar in high profile cases. In the UK, while I was going through the processing stage, it appeared to be everywhere. On the tv, it was like I had suddenly obtained a psychopath radar, I knew exactly what was psychopathic behaviour.
Fortunately the last one in my life, was more haphazzard than violent. But the traits were identical to what i was reading in books, seeing on tv etc…. If I am honest, at that time, it scared me. It really scared me, what could he have been capable of? As if what he had already done, wasn’t bad enough. Even today my brain struggles to process it all.
You ask what is wrong with you? You might have been affected by life events that have happened to you. You might have been left confused, even frightened by what has happened to you. It may have made you question your own sense of judgement.
But ….. this is nothing, that working with a good therapist couldn’t help you with.
First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you. You’ve helped me to understand the havoc that I have gone through for the last 22 months. I read (and had several of my friends read) the 18 signs that you could be dating a sociopath, and they could have been written about my ex. We met on an online dating site and at first it seemed perfect, like a match made in heaven (little did I know). He wasn’t working at the time, but he assured me that he consistently made over $150k a year doing consulting. Our whole courtship he was paying … using his mother’s debit card, basically spending through an inheritance that she had gotten. The first red flag was one day I left the house, then realized that I had forgotten something, came back in to find him on the phone with his mom “oh my god mom, you should see her house”, yeah, at that point he shouldn’t have been seeing it anymore. He’s an “extrovert” … but basically what that means is that he needs to have a lot of social network people that he doesn’t know validate him and pat him on the back. Of his 1400+ Facebook friends he probably only knows 10 of them in real life. Like many have mentioned, he had a really high sex drive (but unfortunately wasn’t very good), he wanted it at least twice a day if not more. At first I went along with everything, then the red flags started piling up, first I came home from work one day (he was, of course, out of work) to find that he had filled my basement from floor to ceiling with crap from ex’s, toys from his kids years ago, I am talking filled my basement. In trying to get him out of the house I rented a 2 BR apt uhaul and that only got about 60% of the stuff out of my house. He started picking Facebook fights with my friends, behind my back he friended a lot of my friends, then friended a lot of theirs. I found out after the breakup that he messaged and spoke to many of them about “our sex life” … which by this time was a fantasy, because the more red flags were happening, the less it was happening, until up to about a year ago when I basically pushed away all of his advances. I got a frantic call from my sister that on of my 16 year old niece’s friends had received a Facebook message from him. When I confronted him about what a 50 year old man is doing messaging a 16 year old, you got it, he started playing the victim. That’s when I was done, but I was starting to see his narcissistic rages, and they scared me, so that was a deterring factor to me breaking up with him. Fast forward to a month ago, I was frustrated beyond belief, this time he hadn’t been working since September, and 2 job offers fell through because of background checks. I was talking to my best friends about how to break up with him safely, and wha la, I came home from work one night, he said we needed to talk, said he thought I was the one for him but was getting the idea he wasn’t the one for me. Boy was he shocked when I agreed immediately. But no, it didn’t end there. He left in my car (because he didn’t have one at the time) and proceeded to spam text me all night, and for several days. He’s put me through hell and back in the last month, but finally yesterday he came and got the rest of this stuff. I established no contact by letting him know if he attempts to contact me again, my response will be to get an attorney.
they can be either a man or a woman . I am a male that had a female sociopath G/F for three years and it doesent matter which sex they are every storie fits her to a tee like if yal follow our every movement for those three years.Do all sociopaths go to schooling to learn the same shit to manipulate and mental abuse their their fake love for the moment .Down right to the breaking up once a month like clock work tothe slient treatment and mental abuse to the name calling when you call them out on a lie NEVER AGAIN WILL SHE BE LET IN!
It’s been a month since I broke from my sociopath boyfriend.
I wasn’t looking for a relationsip but as it starts he wormed his way in with his charm and looks and he told me everything I wanted to hear. He mirrored my lifestyle needs and wants.
He told all my friends how amazing I was told me everyday he loved me and did everything I wanted to please me.
I was a bit suspicious at first as he was so amazing why didn’t he have ANY (not one) friend. He didn’t even Speek to his family.
After an amazing weekend my friend said there was a picture of me and my new boyfriend going around the local facebook page warning me that he was an awful cheating lieing steeling man. But as I couldn’t see it and because of his charm I thought it must be just Jelouse ex’s.
Little cracks began to show in his behaviour 4 months in he managed to persuade me to let him move in saying he was having problems with his housemates, I found out was lies he wanted to free load of me.
He never had a job and I payed for everything he promiced he would get a job and pay me back when he got a job lasted a week he didn’t give me a penny.
He told me thease sob stories about his dad dieing even showing me the jewelry he got left. His dad isn’t dead he’s still alive I found this out after we broke up from his mum.
He told me he was in care all his life and hadn’t spone to his mum for 10 years that’s why he dosent see his family. I met his mum after we broke up he was never in care he stole of his mum he stole his brothers and gf money they saved for ivf and stole his dead grandads jewelry off his nan!!! Oh and nicked the auntys credit cards. I found out all this in the process of breaking up. Sick
He denyed it all of cource.
He started to get nasty and controlling he even made me quit my job and live off my savings.
There is so much more I could say but I think iv blocked it out my memory!
Anyway in the end he put me down all the time told me I can’t get better than him so I kicked him out and moved in with a friend.
He text to say he was living in a homeless hostel, taking drugs and he loved me and couldn’t move on from me. I rang up all the homeless hostels they had never heard of him! So I rang him when I caught him out and after I caught him out with his dad being dead and all the other lies! He was backed into a corner no where to run. So he sent me a text to say as he cant use me anymore he is on to the next person to use.
This forum has helped me so much!
I wanted answers from him but I know I was never going to get them. I thought he might of just been a compulsive lier but seeing this page has described exactly who he is!
Thanks for the help
Oh and forgot to mention 2 weeks in he had my name tattoed on him. Aswell we were engaged we broke up for a week and that was his call to have me back. And since ov found out his horrid history every women he had been with had kids and was 20 years older than him. Forgot to mention he cheated never admitted it. Glad I’m only 21 and I only wasted 8 months on him. I still have nightmares about him but that’s it now .
If you have nightmares about him Alice, do you think that you were left traumatised by your experiences with him?
Your welcome alice. No point asking for answers, as they would never give that. That would require honesty, something they really aren’t capable of. Sadly you would get a more comprehensive answer from someone you have never met who understands the patterns of behaviour. Maybe that’s a good thing.
Hi positivagirl
Yes very traumatised! I had trust issues before only from dating a cheat and I told him that before we got together and I was very weary at first so I think he lied more to gain my trust and even got my name tattoed on him very early on.
I only met his mum few weeks before we broke up and she supported me through the break up, she apologised for what he did and told me that he had always been like that and she didn’t tell me coz she thought he had changed. She dosent Speek to him now. I have nightmares every night but they seem to get better in time and I feel stronger every day.
🙂
I just found out that my sociopathic boyfriend was maintaining a false identity that he gave me to fall in love with. I cannot believe that I didn’t see it, but looking back there were many clues. He is telling everyone now that he has been doing this (maintaining his two identities on face book and other social networking sites) for 7 yrs. He has tried to confess and almost lost the love-of-his-life and change. He didn’t change. He then did it to me, and I just found out. I walked away, one of the hardest things to do, because his version of love-bombing was the best sex of my life. I’ll survive and I hope that he doesn’t do it to other women here in my area. All I can do is learn from this and try to not repeat this experience.
i recently asked a few questions but would like to share my full story. i am having a hard time and all my friends are unsure how to help and getting sick of me only talking about these struggles.i am a young single mom and dont want to admit these things to my family,but they obviously know my sons dad is not a good man, because he has never been consistent or caring. i met a man three years ago. he was the absolute most charming best boyfriend i have ever had,until i got pregnant. during our pregnancy he absolutely disappeared. he came back towards the end from feelings of guilt, and i forgave him, hoping it was just a one time thing because i wanted to attempt to be a legitimate family. i did however refuse to move in with him because of his actions,thank god.it continued happening. he would for months at a time, for no reason – no argument, problems, anything- just stop answering calls and stop showing up. he would come back, and leave. i come back, and leave. i once cried in a corner trying to call him 36 times in a row because our son heard a car door outside and started yelling daddy. i do not want my child to get attached to someone who is just going to leave again, so he and i had one lonnnnng discussion about it this past summer, and things had been amazing- the best they’ve ever been!!!! HE WAS SO GOOD to us for about 4 months. the longest that they had ever gone smoothly. he does have a 6 year old with another woman who had always been nasty towards me from what *he* said. he would tell me she had been saying horrible things about me, and she occasionally made comments in person to me that were negative, so i never questioned him being truthful. Despite her supposed attitude her son has always loved me and during good phases our children have grown to love each other. we always had a family day on sunday, and one sunday in early november my ex didnt show up.he called me and told me that his other childs mom no longer wanted their kid near me, because i am a terrible influence. i believed the story. i started an argument about it, telling him to stick up for me. to tell her how serious he is about us and that im not just some piece of meat, that he actually loves me and wouldnt be willing to stop bringing their kid to see his brother and i. he told me that because of the pressure i was putting on him, he didnt want to talk to me anymore. i tried to contact him a few times,but he pulled his disappearing act again. he didnt contact us for over a month, not even to ask about our son. a week before christmas his other sons mom called me (this is where the manipulations kick in…) and said this. “mason came home from school today CRYING because he misses his brother so much. i cant believe you’re keeping the children apart. its horrible of you.” he told me she didnt want her son near me, and he told her that i wasnt allowing her son over. he told his entire family that i wasnt allowing him to see our child. in this way, he has accomplished all of the sociopath’s most valued goals: he has left me with no closure thinking i wouldnt have the courage to end things, in case he wants to weasel himself back in,to come back. he tried to make me think things were my fault (“you’re pressuring me!”). he told his whole family (parents, brothers, his ex before me/other sons mom) that everything is my fault and that i wasnt allowing him here so that they are pitying him and growing hateful towards me. he told his other kids mom bad things about me,and bad things about her to me,to play us both.he thought that if we didnt like each other we wouldnt talk, and therefore he wouldnt be exposed. if she wouldnt have contacted me i wouldnt know how severe his making up stories was, and now i cannot stop wondering how many other lies he’s told that i didnt know about. he went through ALL of this, solely to not have to be in our lives for a little while. to not have the extra responsibility.on christmas he texted me telling me how much he loves us and ‘misses his family’, and when i ignored the message, he said ” whether you like it or not, i am your sons father and i will be seeing him very soon. i have a bunch of presents for him. i dont care if you trust me- im gonna be in his life no matter what you say.’ so now, he is trying to make us believe there is something in it for us (gifts), and that he is trying to be “good”again. he also probably saved that message so that there is something showing that he tried to see us if i attempt to take him to court. i only have hand written dates and times of times he has harassed, hurt, or blown us off. he does not financially help me- he has bought our son a toy phone and one 52 pack of diapers in two years. he does whatever he wants. i wish i knew where to go from here. but, no contact is an phenomenal first step. any advice, opinions, anyone with stories relating are appreciated . now that i know of this site im sure ill be on here a lot lol.. i felt totally alone. its a relief to see other kind people goin through the bs
Dating a Sociopath 
thanks so much! I will look at the link,…and reread what you said a few more times…it looks like therapy is really the way to go!
Therapy can be so good, to work through your feelings and to get professional 1-1 support.
Try to get a therapist who understands psychopathic behaviour, abuse to victims, and healing for this.
Hello,
I found your website while searching Google. I found it the best I have come upon so far.
I am married to a self profess Social-path (no kidding he said he was diagnosed when he was young after I was already pregnant with child #3).
He has lied and abused me from the beginning. First time he hit me was when we were engaged. I thought it was an isolated incident we were both drunk after all. He did not hit me again for 5 years but verbally abused me daily.
2 of our children are autistic. He denies that they are and I do not even mention it and actually sugar coat it to avoid trouble.
When he asked if our children are retarded or stupid. I shoe him and tell him stop being mean. He thinks they are behind. I am a bad mother and coddle them to much and they will grow out of it.
I do not want to write you a novel but how do I get out of this relationship safely.
He fits all of the characteristics but I feel it will not escalate until after I am gone.
I think I could probably get out safe but will have retaliation later.
I actually stay because I believe leaving will make it much worse.
I have been in contact with a local advocate who thinks I should up and leave but I am scared to.
I can not file a police report due to it becoming worse.
I am secretive because if I get caught he will beat me or worse.
Does this sound familiar to you?
Anyone you talk to have a similar experience?
Any advice would be great!
Thank you
I don’t see any stories that highlight parents’ concern for their daughter dating a sociopath. My 18 year old has dated a 22 year old for a year. He is a Felon, cannot hold a job, deals drugs in our community, has no car or home, and has preyed on her to support him. Unfortunately, her father takes no stand against the relationship, and has pushed her further into his arms by allowing him to stay the night with her under his roof this last year. She needs to know I will be here when she falls, but there is so much conflict between us as I have over compensated for her father’s complacency. I have firm limits and boundaries and although have tried to accept him in an effort to not push her away, I have also made my discern known. Tonight, as they came ramsacking my house again for who knows what– blanket, robe, toiletries,… I told them to leave and are not to return. He was so despondent and unconcerned. I told him I don’t approve of his lifestyle — and now its become hers. He barely batted an eye, and said, “what lifestyle?” This is shortly after she admitted to having slept in her car once to avoid coming home. She dresses procatively for him, and I know he had coerced her to send explicit pictures to him earlier this year. She has changed 100%– and takes pride in the concept of people doing each other wrong… getting something over on someone, and getting away with things. My skin crawls. I believe he would prostitute her out. She is so vulnerable and weak right now. He has managed to isolate her from me…. laying the ground work where I would have to refuse her in my home. He depends on her for his ‘ride’, and naturally, her father does not have the balls to take her car. I am so fearful of an impending demise. He has brain washed her and jolted her moral fibre so intensely, that she is having panic attacks and being treated by a psychiatrist for anxiety. Can anybody give any ideas as to how to get her out from under his spell?
My son died in 1994, I think my sp homed in on that as my ‘weak’ spot to be honest.I have been kindness personified to him…he didn’t take any money or material things from me just my heart,soul and dignity.He left a week ago.
Yes, I understand exactly how that works. What they do, is they see you, see the person that you say you are, then work out the part that is missing between – who you say you are, and who they see you as. This is your weak spot and the part that they are keen to show you that they can fill. They are the salesman without the product.
The result, very sadly is that you might (if he has just left) – because he has been focusing on your weak spot, feel an upsurge of grief for the loss of your son, you might feel it all over again, and this might come as a shock (not that you ever get over it, you don’t)
I think that this can make the pain a million times worse, more than anyone can imagine.
What you need to ask yourself, is what kind of person fakes cancer – when he knows that your son died of cancer? What kind of man would do this to you?
It has to be the cruelest and most depraved thing that you could do.
I really do understand – he didn’t have to take your money or material things – he honed in on your soul.
Sending you a hug x
I couldn’t find a place where to write my story so I wrote ita as a reply…please correct me if that is wrong way…
At first I would like to ask the expert is it posible for a person to be just partly a sociopath. Or is this just an ordinary liar and manipulator.
We met online, both in had long term relationships. I was just looking to have some cyber sex , since I did not have any drive with my ex partner at the time and it was great, then we met in real life (he just moved in with his ex a yer ago in appartment that her mother bought for her, so they renovated it etc. We were sometimes meeting at their place…it felt quite awkward (more for me) and I never wanted to go and have sex in thei bed, he wouldnt mind of course. But he was and still is working (not paying taxes and , but receives quite good salary every month). In the next phase of relationship – after a mmonth I ended up my primary relationship, which was also my first in the real meaning of the word), he continued to have a partner and me as a lover for next 7-8 months, then he moved out to his ouncles place for a few months since he did not have a place of his own. Afterwards he moved in with me and my parents as I was still living at home. He does have friends and his family lives 2 hours away from our place. We were very much in love from the beginning. I also introduced him to my friends, and he did introduce me to his family and friends. We had great time together, many things in common, he took care of me, the only thing we would fight about was my jealousy, since I could not trust him – he was always making sexual jokes to women, flirting with them, and I am insecure about this typ of matters (including the fact that he cheated on his ex with more women, not just me, as it was the case on my side – but I was also jealous with the ex relationship).
Then we got married (after 3 years of relationship) and now we have 2 children and we got married we are married for 7 years now.
It was all great, untill I found out he is lying to me about some money problems. We had agreed that a part of money that he earned (since I do not earn enough to support the whole family), will go for savings (maybe for travelling, or if any of us looses a job or so). Than I asked him where did he put the money and he said that he had it on deposit in a bank. I found out in his email (checking it) that he asked a friend for a loan!? And then digged deeper and I found out that he gambled all this money (about 3-4 salaries) in online gambling. I was so cold zhat I stopped talking to him for a week without telling him why. Then at first he did not want to admit and kept on convincing me that what I know and see with my own eyes the truth and then he broke down and told me (in tears) what had happenedFor these lies he told me that he wants to solve his problems on his own, that he feels like a child infront of me, and mostly that he does not tell me such things because he does not want to hurt me or make me sad…
I wanted us to go to the therapist and psychologist, where he cried and cooperated as it seemed to me when I was there, but he had to have some alone sessions, and the therapist told me that he was not taking it seriously.
It was ok for some time, than next lies happened, the lies were not as big as the first time (I wanted him to go to his accountant to get his papers straight and for two montjs he was telling me these lies that he couldnt go or the accountant was busy, for everytime I asked he had a new exceuse, at the end he admitted he never went there or even considered to go, he just said that to please me and to avoid the argument.
The next thing was when he promised he would finish his diploma till my birthday. He of course did not. Hej ust keep promising he will do it the next week and the next – hoe immature is that? At the end he lied that he went
Otherwise, he is a great father, convincing that he loves me and he would do anything for me and usually is nothing too difficult for him, he gets uop at night and takes care of the babies, if neccessary, he cooks, cleans, etc.
But everytime he lies I got really deeply hurt, as i do not deserve to be told the truth, even if I would be mad at him (I would, probably)
When I asked him if he has other women, he of course denies it, I actually have nothing on him, he comes straight home from work and does not go partying without me – a few times a year maybe…
I am so sorry that you have had a life of ups and downs especially with children to care for. It is hard to leave, but think of how much stress this man has caused you. We are not getting any younger and we do age. What will this man look like in old age? Is he emotionally available, financially stable? Try to seek therapy.
Hi couldn’t see how to post a message so hit reply hope that’s ok…my sociopath has been dreadful…I lost a son through cancer at the age of 4 and lo and behold he ‘had’ cancer which I nursed him through….we were supposed to be getting married….he never had his bands read he apparently had paid for reception…he hadn’t..I bought my wedding dress and had trial hair and spray tan..booked our wedding cake…ordered invitations…sent out save the date cards… but I love the bones of him….adore the man….struggling x
Hi Maryanne, that is an absolutely terrible thing to do. My experiences were slightly different. My daughter died at full term (partially due to healthcare negligence), in 2010, I met him in 2011, he faked that his daughters mother was dying of cancer, and that his daughter would come to live with us. The lengths that he went to to deceive, and to manipulate me. I bought it all. I was so nice, kind and caring, it hit me for six, how could I possibly deserve this? ….. I take it he didn’t have cancer? How long ago did he do this and how long ago did your son die? I was just writing about that (the loss of a child as a mother – as it is coming up to another anniversary for me in a few days time) Nikki
thanks so much! It seems like you and a lot of other members on here have made a lot of progress and seem so strong! Thanks for the loving kindness you are showing me and for all the links! I am going to seek out therapy too…I know this is something I need re framed so I get the created addiction and can move on from it! Thanks and so much love!
My pleasure, I hope that you find a good therapist roadkill 🙂
I know this will sound awful and many of you will hate me and tell me that I am a bad person, but it doesn’t change my experience with my sociopath. I’m married. I had an affair. I thought I had found the perfect man, my soul mate. He caught me at a vulnerable time but that is no excuse for my transgressions. I have suffered through him and his emotional abuse for over 3 years. Everything I read makes him a text book case. The long stares that felt like love in the beginning….the intense emotion, soul mate, him being in love from the start…the jealousy…..then the distance that was my fault b/c I hadn’t left my husband yet…the distance that led me to find out about another woman he was seeing…and another….and another. He is 48. I am 35 as well as one of the other girls. His youngest that I know of is 24. After she found out about me he proposed to her and they were engaged for a few months. He would threaten to expose me to my family and husband and coworkers. He called me every evil, horrible name you could think of. Then he would say he was sorry, that he needed me, that he was so unhappy and miserable. He would beg me to help him. Then he would flip the script again and tell me that I was crazy. That I was the one who seduced him and stalked him. I felt crazy.
I am now in my 8th month of therapy and still fighting him off. He always finds a way to contact me….even though I know about at least 8 other women he has been with while with me. I realize now that my husband is so good and my issues are a product of my past relationship with my father. Thank god my husband did not have to go through the hurt of finding out my indiscretions. I feel horrible and struggle with the hate I have for myself….I will make it up to him. It is not his fault I have issues and was blind sided by a sociopath.
I thank you for the opportunity to share a small portion of my ongoing struggle. I ask that you not be judgmental about my affair. I can promise you that my self hate is worse than words anyone could spew. I am thankful to know I am not the only one who has suffered a sociopath and at the same time saddened by how many of us are out there. I wish we could find a cure. The pain is unbearable sometimes.
Hi Layla,
Welcome to the site. Hatred isn’t an energy we project from this site 🙂 So welcome!!
It must have been scary being threatened to be exposed by the sociopath, and I can see how that can happen. He now has something over you. And would use this to manipulate and control you.
Is he out of your life now? As I fear that he will always have this fear over you, and will use the opportunity to use it, if he is without supply elsewhere.
While I don’t personally advocate infidelity, I also do not judge and can say that your situation, is one that I have heard of before on this site. It is really good that you are receiving professional help and support.
Is there any way that you could talk about this with your husband? The best you could hope for is for the socio to move onto someone new and be otherwise distracted. The biggest forgiveness is often to forgive ourselves.
I do not advocate infidelity either. I never thought it would be something that I was part of. I am trying to establish NC but he keeps pushing the threats to the next level. I have called his bluff the last couple of times. I haven’t heard from him in about a week, but he doesn’t usually last more than 2 or 3 weeks without reaching out. I have tried blocking him but he always finds a way to reach me. He goes back and forth between the “I need help and I need you” to “you are a crazy b*tch that has ruined my life”…..emotional warfare.
I never want my husband to know b/c he does not deserve the hurt. This is my fault that I allowed this to come into our lives. Therapy has helped me tremendously. I came from an emotionally abusive home and realize that negative treatment is what I grew up knowing and expecting. It does not excuse my actions or indiscretions. I am so fortunate to have married a man who loves me so much in a positive way.
I struggle daily with my self hate for my mistakes. I struggle daily with the battle of “missing” my sociopath. I struggle daily with my unconscious need for the hurt and drama that he causes.
I want to break the cycle of abuse. I want to be happy and feel loved. I want to love myself enough to feel like I deserve those things. I am fighting daily to win this battle. I feel so alone sometimes. I have friends and family who know and that I can talk to, but no one understands the abuse and its effect unless you have experienced it.
I just finished the book “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” and also “The Sociopath Next Door”. Both were eye opening and actually made me finally able to admit to my therapist that my father was a mean, controlling man and my mother enables him. I am feeling anxious even typing that right now….which speaks to my issues.
What I hate most is that when you try to verbalize your experiences to others who know your sociopath or abusive father, they look at you like you are crazy. My husband loves my dad and I can see the struggle in his eyes to understand what I have experienced b/c my father is so good to him.
I’m sorry this is so long but it feels good to share in what seems like a safe environment. I was actually thinking about contacting my sociopath until I saw your response. I am sending that energy here. He will only tear me apart….either now or later.
thank you for letting me vent.
Something seems “off” here… if you husband is so “good” and so “loving”, why did you cheat on him?
That’s a bit harsh John. This site is for support. I have only one rule here. ‘No personal attacks’. I am sure that layla is aware of this herself.
John- ironically you sound just like my sociopath. My chest tightened and my anxiety came crashing down when I read your comment. I wanted to cry. If you read both of my posts, you know that I feel awful and was dealing with issues that ran very deep. I will not share anymore. I do not need another man making me feel like a whore. I hate myself enough already.
Hey layla, I hope you don’t feel the need to leave the site. 🙂
Hi Layla 🙂
Don’t let one bad apple send you off the site.
We don’t judge you & we understand your plight.
Please stay & heal & just ignore the ‘Johnnies’.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Layla
Sorry to hear your story, and understand one of the worst things is that there are so many who suffer or are being lined up. I sometimes think the lucky ones are those that never knew they’d been had – that was nearly me, wish it had been.
For what it’s worth, I get the impression my ex targeted married women generally – less complications and more leverage(?) He kept asking me if I was in a relationship back home, which I wasn’t. Ironically he is/was married….
I really hope you find peace x
Dolores
I was going crazy jealous as I saw my exhusband picture with his girlfriend on facebook, my blood was boiling and i thought i would go nuts and i stumbled across this site to read “do not get jealous when he is with somebody else” My ex fits to the T to the description of a sociopath. I just don’t get it how much i love him and would overlook everything to come with him. I’m a smart and strong girl, he’s the only one that can get away with a lot of awful things he did to me, nobody else would!
Everything about him was like this site described but I’m confused because I still believe his love is real. He truly loves me (do I sound like a desperate victim since people say they are not capable of love?) I know his lies, his tricks and everything. The only thing that holds me back is his love. He did stay with me for convenience but after all I feel loved with him and we both can not move on because of the strong bond we have. He is now in an no and off relationship and i’m not with anybody. Honestly, i don’t think i could love anybody like i do to him or the connection i have with him. My friend told me “Do not keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you are still in hell” he got me good i guess, what if the devil is all I ever wanted?
Hi and welcome to the site. They can love in their own way but it’s more about ownership possession control, bit like someone owns a dog. They deliberately create dependency and addiction to them. There are lots of posts here that explains how it works. Welcome to the site 🙂
I’ve danced with the devil too….he used to tell me he was the devil. Irony in the making… I thought I could just take the love he gave and that would be enough to make up for the awfulness I felt most of the time. Let’s be honest, when it’s good, it is sooo good. When it’s bad, it is hell. It’s like the devil has your card and is playing until you break. When you break, he leaves you alone long enough to heal. Then he comes back for more. He was addicted to me like I was to him (because I now know it was an addiction…not love), but we were/are addicted in different ways. Any “need” or “love” or “want” he showed me, made me feel beautiful and loved. What he really wanted was sex and control and to stroke his ego that he could get me back. When he was done he called me a bitch, slut, etc. That’s love right?
I am working on two weeks with no contact, but that’s about how long he lasts. I’ve decided to come up with a plan instead of taking him as he comes (always on his terms). I am busying myself and making plans to have no down time. My work is more productive. I have started to get my life back my reorganizing my home and office and staying in contact with the people that love me.
I saw my therapist today and she says I am showing such growth. Knowledge is power. I am reading a new book called “Crazy Love” by Leslie Morgan Steiner. Just another that reiterates the struggles of abused women. I have to fight daily with my anxiety about this situation and remind myself that my anger towards him will subside over time.
Don’t dance with the devil or try to play his game. He will always win because he has no true emotion. If he is with someone else and you know about it and he says he still wants you ( he did that to me), don’t ask why. He will make it about you and it will be your fault. Wouldn’t he flip out and be jealous if you were with someone else? Jealousy is not love. If he wanted to be with you he would. It is not about you anyway. It’s always about him and what makes him feel good and what suites him at the moment.
I hope this was not a ridiculous rant and that I did not offend you, but you sound like a better person than me and you don’t deserve the devil. If you want that, it means you don’t love yourself. I’ve been there.
just because he cheats it does not make him auto. a sociopath
I know the sociopath in my life didn’t cheat with other women. But he was a compulsive pathological liar and he stole too.
At first I would like to ask the expert is it posible for a person to be just partly a sociopath. Or is this just an ordinary liar and manipulator.
We met online, both in had long term relationships. I was just looking to have some cyber sex , since I did not have any drive with my ex partner at the time and it was great, then we met in real life (he just moved in with his ex a yer ago in appartment that her mother bought for her, so they renovated it etc. We were sometimes meeting at their place…it felt quite awkward (more for me) and I never wanted to go and have sex in thei bed, he wouldnt mind of course. But he was and still is working (not paying taxes and , but receives quite good salary every month). In the next phase of relationship – after a mmonth I ended up my primary relationship, which was also my first in the real meaning of the word), he continued to have a partner and me as a lover for next 7-8 months, then he moved out to his ouncles place for a few months since he did not have a place of his own. Afterwards he moved in with me and my parents as I was still living at home. He does have friends and his family lives 2 hours away from our place. We were very much in love from the beginning. I also introduced him to my friends, and he did introduce me to his family and friends. We had great time together, many things in common, he took care of me, the only thing we would fight about was my jealousy, since I could not trust him – he was always making sexual jokes to women, flirting with them, and I am insecure about this typ of matters (including the fact that he cheated on his ex with more women, not just me, as it was the case on my side – but I was also jealous with the ex relationship).
Then we got married (after 3 years of relationship) and now we have 2 children and we got married we are married for 7 years now.
It was all great, untill I found out he is lying to me about some money problems. We had agreed that a part of money that he earned (since I do not earn enough to support the whole family), will go for savings (maybe for travelling, or if any of us looses a job or so). Than I asked him where did he put the money and he said that he had it on deposit in a bank. I found out in his email (checking it) that he asked a friend for a loan!? And then digged deeper and I found out that he gambled all this money (about 3-4 salaries) in online gambling. I was so cold zhat I stopped talking to him for a week without telling him why. Then at first he did not want to admit and kept on convincing me that what I know and see with my own eyes the truth and then he broke down and told me (in tears) what had happenedFor these lies he told me that he wants to solve his problems on his own, that he feels like a child infront of me, and mostly that he does not tell me such things because he does not want to hurt me or make me sad…
I wanted us to go to the therapist and psychologist, where he cried and cooperated as it seemed to me when I was there, but he had to have some alone sessions, and the therapist told me that he was not taking it seriously.
It was ok for some time, than next lies happened, the lies were not as big as the first time (I wanted him to go to his accountant to get his papers straight and for two montjs he was telling me these lies that he couldnt go or the accountant was busy, for everytime I asked he had a new exceuse, at the end he admitted he never went there or even considered to go, he just said that to please me and to avoid the argument.
The next thing was when he promised he would finish his diploma till my birthday. He of course did not. Hej ust keep promising he will do it the next week and the next – hoe immature is that? At the end he lied that he went
Otherwise, he is a great father, convincing that he loves me and he would do anything for me and usually is nothing too difficult for him, he gets uop at night and takes care of the babies, if neccessary, he cooks, cleans, etc.
But everytime he lies I got really deeply hurt, as i do not deserve to be told the truth, even if I would be mad at him (I would, probably)
When I asked him if he has other women, he of course denies it, I actually have nothing on him, he comes straight home from work and does not go partying without me – a few times a year maybe…
Where do I start this?
I am a man. I have a criminal record for domestic violence. I understand just that is enough to ruin my credibility so all of what follows can be taken with a grain of salt.
I still don’t know if I was the victim, abuser or both. I met my former spouse while in the Army, but we never actually “got together “until well after that date. I would like to say that I lived a pristine life and was a moral pillar to those around me, but I cannot boast that fine aspiration.
I was molested as a 13 year old paperboy, my mother never did anything about it and that started my decline. Not the fact mom didn’t do anything, She was frightened and a victim of rape herself. What got me was the confusion and loathing I felt after that incident. Until recently, I couldn’t stand the feeling of someone else’s skin touching mine. I avoided people in general and never really trusted anyone.
I was married to my first wife as a young soldier. This marriage ended in less than 2 years. The only blame there was that we were young, immature and both, “barely” survivors of sexual abuse as children. I say barely, because I don’t think that either of our families knew what to do about it and we ourselves didn’t either. I will also add that during this period in the Army, I was witness and participant to some things that the mind rebels against.
I won’t go into the details, but things just stacked on. I wasn’t a good husband to my first wife. 20+ years after our divorce, she wrote me a character reference for my court issue with my current and final former wife. I would do the same for her.
I met my second wife in 1988 while serving in the Army, her grand dad was a WW2 hero and my regiment was his regiment back then. We were both married and divorced in between the time we met and the time we actually lived together and were married. By the time 1993 rolled around, I was a hot mess. That is when. “X” moved up here to my state. I was 25 and a total emotional wreck. I gave up my career in the Army, was divorced from my first wife and was carrying a lot of guilt and anger.
Almost immediately I noticed that she was “a bit off”. She told me this was due to a thyroid issue she had and we set about getting her doctor’s appointments and medications. X liked to go out and party, but I was already past that stage and this caused conflict. My reply to all life’s problems was to go to work. She took this as ignoring her and acted out. She felt the same if I got into a good book also. X hated that my best friend and I were close, (We still are after 27 years). X would disappear in the middle of the day and not come back until much later. Years later, she told me she would go and walk down the road and let men pick her up for fun and attention.
I was angry of course, but I was even guiltier for allowing my wife to think I didn’t care. Confused because I had never met someone that behaved like that before. And yes, attracted because I had never met someone who was so free with her sexuality. I tried to show her my love, but I am a pretty simple guy and some small thing I made from wood or leather wasn’t the attention she wanted. She wanted to go out and be seen. Her behavior continued and as years past I finally realized that she was sleeping around, no matter where we moved, she would always find her “fix”. In 2001 I had finally had enough, I worked in a bar and she would hook up in local bars. I got a call one night “dude, your woman is leaving with some guy”. The bar was right across the street. I walked over and found her in the guy’s car making out. Needless to say I went to jail that night. When I pulled her out of the guy’s car, she jerked away from me and said” I know what I’m doing”! I slapped her.
2 toddlers at the baby sitters and me at work, already knowing what she had been doing for years, when I finally saw it and she spoke those words in that vicious tone…I became a batterer in the eyes of the law and many others.
In 2003 I started working in the Middle East, from then until 2010 I was on the road 300 or so days out of the year. I didn’t have to address the issue any more. I felt that if I could provide a stable income and leave her in charge of the finances and household, she would forgive me for hitting her. We split up in 2010 after I lost my job, she moved out and got an apartment a few blocks away. Our then teen daughter moved in with her. She told me, “Dad, Mom needs someone”. During this time X was picking up guys from dating sites and Craigslist Ads. She even gave one the key to her apartment and he came over very late one school night, alcohol on his breath and woke our daughter who was sleeping in the living room chair as she was sick.
There were others, but I remember this one because I did check him out with the state patrol database and he had an extensive record. The divorce papers were filed but, we decided to reconcile. There were so many inconsistencies to what X told me. She wasn’t a good liar at all, but she would add just enough truth for me to hope for change. I had worked on my anger for years. Numbness was my answer. Fast forward to 2014…. This time X wanted the divorce. That was fine by me. She moved out on Jan 5th 2014, lived with my sister until June of 2014. My sister had been her friend and confidant for years.
I have to admit that X and I dallied with each other even after she asked for a divorce and after she moved out. This was at the same time she was seeing other men. I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with me to keep up this behavior. When I finally did stop sleeping with her, I tried to be her friend, I still tried to protect her from predatory men and give her advice. I was in no place to do that at all because I never understood until recently, she wanted that life style.
I found a lady ,Or rather she found me. a pen pal actually. One day she told me that she had decided to love me whether I loved her back or not. This started my eyes opening. She came here to the states twice on her own dime. She is a successful lady in her country and doesn’t need me or any man like me. But, she chose to love me. I began to feel again. These events are overlapping so if you readers are getting confused, you can bet I was at the time also. I will call her N, for privacy.
N argued with me that X was a trouble maker and she only came around to get what she could get. I argued back, “No, she isn’t”. I wasted these rich feelings on X when they were all due to N. On August 26 2014, I decided to sever my ties with X. It was the right thing to do and was long overdue. The mutual back and forth had to stop! After a running, text, email and Skype conversation, I was done responding to her and let it go. On August 28 I was cleaning up N’s Facebook page, privatizing it and getting rid of old stuff, This was at her request and I was surprised that she would give me the pass code. I was lazy so I hadn’t done it all in one shot. When I logged on, I went to her messages and noticed a message in her (other) box. The one reserved for spam and not friends mail. I opened it and there were 4 photos of X and 3 of me, hers were pornographic to the xxx extent and the ones of me were shirtless but taken at the same time. The message read “my name”, ruins lives by cheating”. My heart dropped, this message was sent on the 26th. This message was sent via a false FB account and only 2 people would have those photos. I screen shot the message, deleted it and set about finding how to put a no contact order on someone. I told N, about the message and that I was going to get a no contact order. She approved. On the 30th of August I sent X a message to all known emails, Stating I wished to have no further contact with her in any way.
In the process of telling my family what had happened, my sister said,” I have some things you should know”. She proceeded to tell me about every time X had talked about wanting me dead, planning my death, researching ways to kill me and even soliciting others to do it. She also laid out to me how the cheating never stopped and how proud X was that she had that secret over me. Then the worst part, X had deliberately, over time separated me from my children. She had stolen from them, me. She had robbed us all of a loving relationship. And I had let her do it. The no contact order turned into an order of protection, she counter filed. I asked my sister why she didn’t tell me years ago, her reply stung, I wasn’t exactly approachable. I realized she was being kind in that statement.
Our son stayed out of it, he said to me “Dad, I have holes in my memory up till my sophomore year”, “I think you are doing the right thing and Mom is just trying to get you in trouble”. Both of my daughters, and my sister wrote detailed statements as to X’s actions and words. X accused me of attempted rape, battery and constant abusive behavior in her petition. Only one thing rang true in her statement, I slapped her in 2001 and was prosecuted for it. After knowing about the infidelity, I finally caught her at it. There’s no justification, but no one knows how they will react until they are there.
I had corroborating evidence of systematic emotional abuse of the children and myself, death threats and theft of personal items to include medication, clothing and important papers. In the end, her lawyer wanted another continuance, I told him OK, that gives me 2 weeks to pile on more of my own. Or she drops her petition, I drop mine and we get a mutual anti-harassment order. All she has to do is stand in front of the court and admit that she did indeed send those photos and the message to N. She took that offer. I have the video recording from the courtroom.
20 years of not only my life, but the younger years of my children, wasted. The letters from my sister were the keystone. All the unanswered questions were answered all the blanks were filled. I told the girls to tell the truth, no more no less. Use your own words. My eyes are open to what happened now. My daughters’ words were always there, they warned me and I didn’t hear them.
I am 46 years old and I have been a fool for the last 20 years. Now I am trying to find out why I allowed myself to be blinded. I know I am a broken person. I have been abused and the abuser, I know that my children suffered while I was gone for the greater part of those 8 years I was working abroad and later. Shame has played a part in all of this, shame for things I did as a young man and shame for things I let myself believe I did to X. Shame for the fact I wasn’t there to protect X as a child when she was raped repeatedly by a former step-father. Even my hope was part, I hoped she and I could change.
Here is what I know for sure.
X isn’t just a Narcissist, She is a Sociopath. She preys on broken people and gets the attention she needs. Her current boyfriend is a disabled vet that lost his wife and then his eldest daughter. I am pretty sure he paid for her lawyer. X integrates into someone’s life and adopts everything about that person, even their friends and ways of speaking. She has sex in her van outside of bars and on her way home from work, this she told me herself.
My sisters statement explained why X would tell me this, X thought it would hurt me to tell me and even pleased her that she had this secret she could tell at any time to hurt me. Too bad for her that numbness worked so well, even though the sheer volume was unexpected, the actions weren’t.
Up until the time I severed ties, I was her back up man. I fixed her car, got her out of her fixes and was a shoulder to cry on. X wanted me to do nasty sexual things and I did, only to be blamed later for it.
I also know that my children have the capacity to forgive me, even though I failed them so terribly. N loves me and has forgiven me. I will go to her in the spring and we will work together and build on a foundation of trust and respect. I don’t loath the touch of another person anymore, I sleep soundly when N is next to me. I will always see and hear my children from now on. I seek good council instead of closing myself off, lord knows I need it.
X will continue to lie her way through life, she will seek her comfort in multiple partners and attention from strangers. She has everything of monetary and intrinsic value from our life together. But nothing she made on her own, no family, no long term friends. I don’t need to be a strong man anymore, no need to be a tough unfeeling rock to protect myself. No desire to lash out in rage or even shame. N and my family are who forgave me, they never used me or lied to me. I’m not selfish, I am not a blunt instrument, or a toy!
As much as I would like to blame X for every crappy thing that happened between us, I can’t. I was at fault for thinking I could handle it all, thinking I could change the character of someone else. I couldn’t even change my own. Being with a person like X and being a broken person to begin with, there isn’t any solution to the relationship. I have to question myself now, what am I to have been a willing partner in this debacle?
When we were sitting in court waiting for the judge to sign the order, X leaned over and said” you sent me that email on the 30th”. “I said yes, what about it”? “That was my birthday” X replied. Even in the face of something as huge as a life changing court order, after all we had done to each other over 20 years, she was focused on what she saw as a personal slight. I told her it hadn’t even crossed my mind.
Aftermath….
The day after court, 2 October 2014. X started trolling our daughter’s blog, calling her naïve making other cracks. Then in a post on her new blog page, she blamed me for whispering in our daughter’s ear. She made that post password protected and is now posting copy and paste about how positive she is and how false my bringing the law into things was. I only know it was her because she left an email address I recognized when she replied directly to me on my daughters page. 16 days and no engagement, 20 years is a hard lesson.
Change yourself first, set a higher standard. Take one step forward at a time. If you are in fear of your life, leave everything and find a safe place to run to. I can’t speak of what to do if you have children, mine are adults. In my state Men don’t do so well in custody battles anyway. Keep a journal, keep text messages, and keep a record! Always learn to love yourself first. Sappy words from a man, but true. Good luck everyone.
I just found your site. I have been in the thick of it, myself…with a Federal Agent. Law enforcement people and therapists have been naturally sucked in by him and have not made my situation any easier. He is one charismatic man, with a gun and a badge. He bodyguards the Dalai Lama, himself, when that honorable man is in the country. That same person who protects the Dalai Lama has tried to shoot me…setting me up to look like I was breaking into his home, all the while it was “demanded” that I go inside. I finally found a good therapist who is helping me through. I relocated secretly. I live under the watchful eye of other officers who know my situation. In the first five minutes of reading your blog, I realized you TOTALLY get it. Yes, I have the pattern of sociopaths in dating, too…one after the other after another. Why? Because I was raised by a sociopathic mother and it is so hard for me to discern normalcy from the manipulation. It is getting easier and I am getting smarter, though. AND, I’m still alive. Thanks for your blog…
and still being duped……
Hi, i would like to say thanks for this site, it has greatly helped me.
I dated a sociopath for 4 years, 2nd yr of undergrad till 1 year later. He then left my country and moved to the USA. He used to lie to me and manipulate me and discard me when i was with him. He even got violent a few times. But since i had problems at home, i leaned on him for support, which only made things worse.
This year, i moved to the USA for graduate studies. He came down to my dorm to see me. Spent tonnes of money on me. And played the seduction role. He told me he wanted to marry me, and being with other girls made him realize i was the right one for him.
On the last day before he was leaving, one of the girls he had dated during our time apart called. He had told me he doesnt talk to her anymore. When i checked his phone, they exchanged a couple of texts everyday. He went on to say he meant he did not talk to her “properly”. I gave him one last chance, and said if there were anymore half truths we were done.
3 weeks later, he told me he bumped into that girl in the library, and they spoke for 15-20 mins.when i made him show me his call logs, he had actually called her and asked her to meet him, and they spent an hour together.
I know this is a small lie, but i dont want it to progress. I ended it immediately. He begged and apologized for one night, and after that, has not even called back once. If he was really sorry, he should have called back right?
It is my birthday in two days. I feel so sad that i dont have him. But i think its good in the long run.
I also booked a non refundable ticket to go surprise him for thanksgiving, but $300 is a small price to pay for a life of freedom.
I still care about him deeply, and want to help him. He has been through a lot as a child, and i wana take care of him and help him. But it hurts too much when he lies to me 😦
I will never love anyone like i loved him. I wanted to be his wife, take care of him and give him so much love and fix him. But I am not strong enough to suffer the pain.
I hope my dear baby finds happiness. There are no bad people, their situation makes them that way. I hope he finds happiness, and a way to overcome this behaviour.
Thankyou for your site. It made me go from self pity and a feeling of being manipulated to understanding the problem.
I’m impressed with your strength of character in breaking it off when you did. You should feel good about that, and you saved yourself a lot of future grief too, no doubt. I see in your following comments things I see in myself, you sound very sympathetic to your socio -ex. But I would say to you what people are saying to me, which is to be pretty sceptical of stories of a troubled past. For sure it was bad, or he wouldn’t be the way he is, but socios are often ‘milking it’ as my socio -ex used to say, in other words, exaggerating their victim stories and playing to the gallery. A caution: my socio -ex made numerous allegations of illegal or otherwise totally unacceptable, reputation-ruining behaviour against her -exes. I suppose it’s soon time for my reputation to be trashed. It could happen to you, this is the danger period.
I too wanted to spend the rest of my life with my sociopath, accept her as she is (oops, I still haven’t let go…) and give her everything she needs so she could heal, but I’m told this is naive of me. I don’t know what’s right for you, but my fear would be that to take him in and accept him as he is, which love demands, may be like saying to a sociopath “go on, you can continue being a sociopath” or having “abuse me” tattooed on your forehead.
I think you did right, thanks for sharing your story.
Well.. What a crazy experience. From the beginning I knew something was off and automatically pushed away, but few months later it was like he had his set his “goal” to date me, as hw sometimes used to mention. I decided to try again.. Since we had so much in common work wise.. And shared cool positive things. What was fun is that he was always on the go.. Traveling, doing a lot of activities… It was like he has more energy than you and me together… Which at first I thought he was a hypomanic. He had all the characteristics Of one… Which if that was it .. We could of worked things out. Well… I kind told him that he had that problem and if he wanted this to work out he had to work on that. He was insecure .. I could see it but he also had a huge EGo.. Like he was the best of the best in everything… And man the fights were not cute.. But I was pretty good myself I’m handling because I’m not a fighter … But man wouldn’t he just push my last button. And then we started working together… That was not a very great idea.. First he seems like he wanted to work with me to have total control of me…. And that’s what he was doing.. He was not only my boyfiend now he was boss… And since work was either over the computer … Moving around with real estate and other media business he was constantly telling me what to do. It was not a relationship n more… It was more like a relation I had with my boss… Who was bossing m around and all day long… And saying it was part of my job to do certain things like a simple favors for him…. Well the fights were very crazy he couldn’t stop talking and trying to hurt me in anyway he could… With his real mean words.. Crazy talk .. But I was a lol strong myself cause i almost felt like he was trying to do that so I didn’t let it affect me… But never have I dated someone so egocentric and that tries to hurt so bad..so with that I told him that is crazy so I left him and told him he needed to see a phycologist and he said sure okay… Cause on the top of being hypomanic… He was also bipolar and very impulsive with his words but a minute after he said all those bad things he was like oh baby I’m sorry .. I care about you… And wanted to sexually interect.. It was a deft out of control.. And if I didn’t want to do the same as he did at that moment it was almost a problem. I would be sleeping and he would be talking by himself mad at the situation and next day like nothing happened… And after he said he would never do that again… Guess what he did? He did it again like it never happened… We were in the car and he spent 2 hours saying very very mean things to me… This time I help myself because I noticed it was out of control… We had to get on the same plane and so we did… And after he said if infinity of mean things and hateful manipulating thoughts he wanted me to hold his hand…
I said no he started throwing a bag my way and my Stuff at me and started with the Mean things all Over again . I started to freak out and I researched even more… To I find out I was dating a sociopath. Very cold blooded … He really does not have the feelings I do… He is able to just insult… Insult … Insult and then “act” like nothing happened to get back what he wants. He never rally settled in a relationship at his age.. He is very smart and very good and getting what he wants even with all the consequences … He is dauntless … Those do not scare him… He takes very risky steps and don’t have sense of wrong or right. Very manipulating …he uses all the ones around him to boss them around to get what he wants but he can be very “nice” and gifty to get what he really wants…. But doing that just over manipulation as part of “business” just to get what he really wants … And damn right ppl fall for it and he usually gets what he wants. Huge ego of being better than anyone else… Always putting ppl down… Even if he see someone that’s successful he will find the bad side to their story… But his story is always right. Well I took the the decision to be done with it and he was trying to manipulate me into coming back and saying with him km better .. I will have a brighter future but not in a way that he seems like he really cares… Even talked all poetic but it was all an act.. Deep inside he really is full of hate and does not care … Unfortunately it’s not his fault he is the way he is …if you have someone close to you that you feel that they can be a sociopath well…find a way they can discover themselves and take a better approach is their own situation and prevent certain things to happen.. But with socipaths we all must be very careful cause some may not choose to be physically harmful to others but some do… And we won’t be able to differentiate. In my opinion trust your guts… Help them if they are family or real good friends…and stay away from those relationships.
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Hi guys, I think I need help – I am not really managing the no contact. I’m doing the creepy stalker ex thing, not quite a bunny boiler (wouldn’t touch him with somebody else’s barge pole) and it has been let me know that some of my initial insane antics achieved their goal of shutting off at least two other sources of supply (at least one financial), but still it’s not a healthy thing for me to be doing.
I have done more via social media – the trouble is, whenever I tell people I know (family, friends and work) what I’ve done, they think I’m brilliant and I should have gone further – there are no consequences for me, but it’s not good for my mind, I know this, and the feelings do become less each day, it’s only been a few weeks since I found out rather suddenly this guy is a sociopathic liar, but I’m lost and worried about my sanity?
It does take a while to move on. Allow yourself and forgive yourself for the lash outs you are doing. It is all part of the process. Break ups can feel like a death. There is a grieving process. Even more of a grieving process when you have been in a relationship with a sociopath or similar.
I have maintained no contact for a few months now but it look over a year a half to get to that point. It doesn’t happen overnight.
The secret is talking to people, like us, who have had similar experiences. The reassurance and comfort you get on here does help. So, if you are having difficulties, come on here and vent. Get it all out of your system.
Btw, my stomach still goes into a knot when I hear his name (even if it isn’t him but another person has his name) or something reminds me off him. I do feel that my personality has changed because of my relationship with him. I find that I get angry easier whereas, before I met him, I was so easy going. I also don’t have as much tolerance. But sometimes in life, a person comes along that does change you and not always for the better.
Formerly known as ex_def_an_spath
Hi Aliciap82 🙂 you have changed & life does that regardless of the circumstances. We are constantly growing & changing as, is the world at large. Remember childhood when everything seemed so innocent & protected? I think by & large that growing up is enlightening/scary/painful/wonderful but, worth acknowledging. The Soc is stuck in the endless childhood of games & delusion so, leave them there. The difference is, that we grew up, we know right from wrong & we accept responsibility for our actions good or bad. The Soc/narc never does this so, pass the diapers & the dummy & lets celebrate our right of passage together. Welcome to the ‘real’ world with all it’s glory/passion & pain. I am so pleased I share this world with wonderful adults like you 🙂
Love & Light PR xoxo aka awareb4 😉
The worrying thing is, I’m secretly congratulating myself for some of my behaviour – I have achieved more than I set out to and figured I had nothing to lose since he’d make me out to be mad anyway.
I’ll move on, I’ve done it before – but with this one, the problem has been less that I was involved, I wasn’t even planning to see him again, but then found out everything was a lie….. I’ve literally lost nothing, but want to beam this fools face from space to warn other people
So, while you’re congratulating yourself and everyone is patting you on the back for basically bad behavior, two things are happening: 1) You’re finding out what kind of support structure you have, 2) You’re getting to know yourself at a new level. This is you when things go really wrong. And it sounds as though you might not like too much who you’re meeting in the mirror?
I felt the same way when I realized my own tendencies. I expected better from myself but didn’t seem to be able to rise to it, repeatedly… until I learned the lesson. The information you are getting right now about yourself and the people who you enable to surround you is invaluable. The empowerment you can derive from this will only be limited by your will to step up and change.
We are capable of many things… good things, evil things, ingenius things. I think what you are seeing is that you can use your mind, spirit, energy and resources for good, for something that benefits you, others, the world, or you can waste it on tripe that ultimately makes you feel like less than the person you believed you were.
I wish you the best.
High Five on that comment Jusa 🙂 love your stuff 🙂 xoxo PR xoxo 😉
I hate tripe too! 🙂
Thanks for your supportive and insightful responses, it will take time, but I know I also need to do a lot of work on myself and recovery in a proper sense.
JGE…I am lucky and didn’t have children with my ex or lived with him. I have a friend who had both and his wife gives him hell. My first piece of advice is prepare as much as you can, secretly, before you leave. That is support and money if possible. Secondly, as much as we dislike the relationships we have with these people, don’t say anything bad about that person to your children. I have seen that one backfire as well when the children innocently say “mum said this” to the Sociopath.
JGE,
You are taking the first step, recognizing that this is not love, just abuse. The road to freedom is not easy, but it will be full of rewards. If you have the break read “Why he does that?” An excellent and practical book of how to deal with abusive and controlling relationship. There are a lot of places that can help you and your children.
Hello, everyone I just came on here as I need to talk and get advise as much as possible.
I work with my ex sociopath and it is literally torture, our work place consists of about 20 people so I see him often and to make things worse his father works here as well!!!! I feel like I am living a nightmare.
We met at work and things moved fast and he was ever so loving and full of compliments.
We have been together for about a year on and off constantly – always him leaving and always him coming back and me like the soft person I am fall victim to him time and time again, he always used to tell me he can get me back when ever he wants me and sadly this is true as I have allowed it always.
He recently left me a week ago and has been ever so rude and couldn’t care less telling me he doesn’t want me and will never want me and that his main goal was to make me fall so in love with him so that he could just cut things off with me and make me feel the pain he felt as I apparently cheated on him!!! mind you I have never cheated on this man – he really is crazy, he really couldn’t care less and when I cried he starts singing to me with words from songs that say he will never be with me again and when I cried he laughed and shouted how pathetic I am, really no remorse or shame or guilt, walks around here like nothing is bothering him and avoids me at all costs, the amount of pain I feel is tremendous.
I know for a fact he wont come back this time and I know he is no good for me, just a part of me wants him to so that I can say no to this loser, I am seeing a therapist currently to help with this, can you guys please give me advise – I am terribly heartbroken :-((((((
This is a random post, but one that is interesting me, based on my own experience.
I read (forum members elsewhere discussing) today about sociopaths not having an electronic footprint, which naturally lead to some research – some German psychologists have proposed that if you don’t have a facebook page you might be a sociopath….
My previous ex (narcissist?) was someone I’d worked with for two years prior to us getting together, but he really didn’t have any electronic footprint beyond professional/legal etc. He tried Twitter (we both did) while we were together, but he couldn’t interact normally on it with our other colleagues, he couldn’t steer the conversation in that context, and he eventually gave up.
Then my most recent ex (sociopath), did have a facebook account, but he was like a passive entity on it, a bit like his fake persona in real life… He never posted to his own page, and rarely liked or commented on anything. He used it to make connections and probably private message people/targets, but he did post on my wall a few times, but his own was like there wasn’t a real person involved – never liked or commented on anything people posted to his page. I know I’ve over analysed his facebook useage, but it was abnormal….
Maybe I’m wrong, but this is something that did come up as a red flag (in my mind) in both relationships, just a niggle though, not full blown “this guy’s a weirdo!” Does anyone else have any thoughts on how sociopaths use social media, and are there signs to look out for?
I think it’s an interesting idea, to draw a parallel between their online social participation (or not) and their personality predisposition. There is a post somewhere on this site about how sociopaths are known for a couple things (depends on the sociopath type)… one was flowery, grandiose speech, another was run-on thinking that was strangely disconnected.
My ex-soc did the second and illustrated it in text with his stream-of-consciousness style that included no spaces, capitalization or paragraphs, and little punctuation. A text from him might look like this (actual example):
“Yousawitwhenitookit. ideleteditbutitremainedinmyphonesmemoryasothersidelted”
Originally, I’d assumed he did this to trip up any observers who might be checking his phone messages for drug involvement or illegal activities. I learned on this site that other sociopaths are known for this too.
Mine uses a lot of … after her sentences, even in text messages.
My ex uses a Facebook account, but she is judicious about what everyone sees. Our kids one is blocked and the other just gets to see what the public sees. Her “new” circle sees the I’m so happy side. Her other accounts are temporary’s that she activates and deactivates at will. I caught her at it by viewing my page source files and comparing Id numbers. One popped up as a phoney I had caught her using and sure enough, it was her. Social networking is great for Soc s. They can create themselves as anyone they want. As much as I hate to consider myself a paranoid, it is creepy to know that someone so full of malice is looking.
Oh dear, I use a lot of “….” at the end of sentences!
Not sure I am normal though, it’s only been a month since I discovered my latest was a sociopath/pathological liar at least
She has terrible grammar, lots of … and a penchant for boosting herself. Can a person be a sloppy soc? I mean, mine chose to tell all her secrets to my sister. Why would she do that? Because my sister and I weren’t close?
My ex has 3 Facebook pages that I am aware of. He doesn’t realise I know that. We were just friends on 1. Looking through his friends list, it is full of she-males and people he has never met. I do believe he uses Facebook to communicate to other targets or to satisfy his curiosity. I just don’t think it is “normal” to have she-males on your friends list. That’s just me though.
If they are actual friends it would be normal, but they’d be on your real facebook page surely.
Hadn’t thought of the multiple pages, but have ended up joining dating sites looking for both my exes. The most recent has his targets, lovers, wife and mother all on the same page – he just doesn’t interact with it publicly, and tells each one the others are a bit strange and he doesn’t really know them – I spoiled that a bit once I figured him out. They fear the truth and being exposed after all, and make their exes look mad, decided to pre-empt the whole lot and put on a show! Still doesn’t feel good though, time will do that hopefully.
Yes, the poor grammar has been a theme. With the first guy, initially I thought he was dyslexic, but eventually figured it was because he couldn’t be bothered with even trying – but this last one was foreign, so difficult to tell…. definite sloppiness when not in the loved up phase though.
I think I’ve seen run on thinking in real life(?) Not sure if this is what you mean but – A literal switch of personalities into what was nonsense coming out his mouth, which I assumed at the time was a switch from being with me (personal) to interacting with tourists, hindsight is 20:20
To xiaofu46: Maybe not a sloppy soc, just one who is no longer interested – already devaluing? I’m no expert, but I think that’s when the change in grammar/language happened with me.
About the telling your sister, was it the whole truth or just a version of it? Maybe testing the water to recruit your sister as a disciple.
I think I’ve read too many of these sites…..sorry 😀
@ Delores She told my sister secrets for years actually. I honestly think that she didn’t see my sister as capable of change and growth from her abusive relationships. That is contradictory to what I would see as a careful person. But, she mixed in just enough truth with me for years and it worked. And as far as the truth, I have read in the court statements it was a mixed bag. I would be happy to blank out names and share the files. Both sides of course. Our daughter and my step daughter statements corroborated a lot. I am trying to move past this all, but I want to know the whys and hows. Foolish me.
Devaluing… Does that mean I am off the radar finally? As long as she is occupied I am a nobody, I would like to just be a nobody… period.
Possibly xiaofu, but also she could come back at a later date. They often do bounce back into your life.
To: positivagirl. Lets hope. The anti harassment order is good for a year. By the time it expires I hope to be out of this area, more emotionally fit and back into life.
Am pleased that you have this year. Hopefully at the end of the year you will be in a much stronger space and he will have no control over you.
Lol I would hope so also, but He is a She and I am the he in the relationship. Same rules apply though. Thank you for the kind words
I just recently left my sociopath boyfriend after being together for a year.
And it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Below is my story.
In the beginning everything was perfect, he was the most handsome man I had ever seen. He always looked like he had just walked off a movie set; glowing tan skin, ice blue eyes, and an incredible sculpted muscular body. We went on great dates and adventures, and drove around way too fast in his father’s million dollar sports cars. It didn’t seem real at first. It was the type of relationship movies are based on. He moved in with me less than three weeks after dating. When he knew I had fallen for him thats when I began to see the real him. The little lies were first, things I knew for a fact he was lying about but he’d look me dead in the eyes and lie.
Then the emotional abuse started, he began calling me stupid all the time (even in front of friends, turing me into a joke) and told me I should just never speak. After hearing that over and over I began to find myself questioning my thoughts, and thinking I shouldn’t say this he will say I sound “fucking retarded”. He always questioned how I made it this far in life with out him because I was an “idiot”. I began to believe him, my confidence drained from me every day. Then one day I realized I had had enough of the name calling “worthless, stupid, ” told him I would leave him, he pressed a knife to my face and said “you’re never leaving. I’ll kill you before you leave. It be so easy to kill you.” I balled my eyes out, and he got up and went to watch TV. This was the first time I realized something was truly wrong with him.
I was so scared of him, but I couldn’t leave him. He manipulated me into thinking I could not survive a day with out him and that I loved him.
The physical abuse started not long after. He never hit me, but he would throw me around like a rag doll. One time I was hiding from him in the closet praying he wouldn’t find me. He dragged me out by my hair in between the door and wall and repeatedly slammed the door on me over and over smashing my legs, I cried and screamed and begged him to stop but it was as if he couldn’t hear me.
I finally got the courage to leave him a week ago, and its been the toughest week of my life. He calls and tells me he can’t live without me and he knows I need him too. That we are made for each other and neither of us will be happy unless were together.
I don’t know what to do. I know staying with him will kill me but right now staying away from him feels like its killing me more. I keep trying to convince myself the relationship was not love, it was just manipulation but at night I find myself dreaming about him or waking up slamming my hand on the bed looking for him beside me. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, he was my protector from the world and my abuser all wrapped into one. I can’t figure out why I am so drawn to him. How do I stay away?
Hi lost girl. Welcome to the site.
You say the words, and i will repeat them back to you
YOU KNOW THAT STAYING WITH HIM WILL KILL YOU!!
This is true. This man is the worst type. The violent type (They are not all violent). I know that this is tough and hard right now, but please please stick to no contact. If he is a sociopath without conscience, the worst at the very worst, it could be your life. Please don’t take that risk. Don’t be another statistic. You made the first step to get out WELL DONE…. just keep going. Next step block his number – tell him that you need time alone and wont be answering his calls so don’t contact you. If he continues then file a report for harassment.
They are like vermin and if they don’t want to let you go, can be incredibly difficult to get rid of. Believe me, it gets worse, not better.
To xiaofu46, I’m no expert, it would be nice to think there’s a start middle and finish, and that they’ll never come back…. Your situation sounds a lot worse than my two ever were.
@ Delores: I don’t think she is stalking me, but the 4 blog trash talking sucks. I was good for a bit then my eldest told me she had a new blog out. Never my name being used but I know who it is. Anxiety attacks all over again. Then I ran into her and her guy at the grocer last night. I probably should have just left my basket and walked out. But, He had offered my son pot 2 days earlier when they met for the first time, so I approached him and politely and non threateningly, told him he was out of line. I didn’t even look at my ex. Still foolish maybe of me and opening a can of worms. Drugs can be part of her life, but have no place in mine or my son’s. This is very difficult to deal with as when it comes to my kids(adult or not) I get hot fast.
I am wondering what happened to me…I started out dancing but it did not take long for the fighting to start…by then I was not in a position to get out of the relationship quickly so endured…fighting….until I could kick his ass to the curb…still had to endure abuse but it was not dancing by any stretch…
Alright so I was on grindr (im bi and not very open about it.) I was only looking for a hookup. He seemed like a cool decent guy, we talked and seemed to really hit it off we were spending a lot of nights together and he would always text me while I was working nights begging me to come be with him and how he wanted to “make love”. I thought wow this is love and we ended up not going all the way with sex for 5 months this was a big deal to me as i was a Top and so was he. I really thought he was the one so I gave in and he promised me he would never do anything to hurt me.
He knew everything about me knew how weak I was on the inside he knew i was a rape victim as i made him promise me he would never do that to me. After the 5 months and the sex things started changing I sent him a text one day asking where this was going and he wanted me to come over for dinner so he could come clean or whatever about his life. He cooked and I brought the bottle of wine, he poured me a second glass of wine and then looked at me in this weird way I noticed he looked at my hands. then out comes “I haven’t told you about my second Job… Im a part time ******* county sheriffs deputy” I thought i was going to have to lift my jaw off the dinner table. I was in shock and felt so sad for this guy i was living a secret life and he was also. i couldent sleep at all that night in bed i was tossing and turning and he told me I didn’t have to stay if i didn’t want to so i left. I kept seeing him and would always beg me to come back he was all about how i had been the only guy he had been seeing etc. in all this lasted for 2 years and i feel so used and stupid. I went to a therapist and was to much under his control to realize what was going on. I now understood what he meant by what i didn’t know couldent hurt me.
Now when I discovered the real him, he was out of town in a larger city staying in a hotel for work and we had planned on spending the night together. HE decided we would have a threesome and would find us a bottom after all we had 3 of these before I even knew he was a cop, so we both get on grindr. 3 days later when hes back in town i get a message on grindr. The dumbass didn’t realize who i even was i responded hey i think we were in the same hotel room a few nights ago. it was no big deal i as on grindr to but he couldent admit to me it was him on the other side asking me my stats etc. he told me where he lived before realizing it was me. i then started getting text after i got off of grindr. asking me what was going on etc. I WENT THE **** OFF. he said that he got it I had to protect myself from him and he should have never been that person. He feels like he lives behind a wall that can never be torn down and just wants to fix all the worlds problems. the best one tho was asking what it meant for us. hes got a woman now who he hid from me. god i feel bad for her. I have went no contact. lost my job most of my friends and moved 4 hours away. I just want to start my life over. I do feel kinda lonely tho without the fake I miss you text.
I will never trust another man.
Why is it so hard to let go of a psychopath, even when deep down you really don’t like him and know he’s horrible for you. Why does my heart ache so bad and I’m so scared and hurt to let go. Keep in mind I’ve been putting up with his ignorant ass for 24 years!
I dated a guy for 8 months in highschool. We were really good friends for more than a year before we started dating so I thought I knew him really well. He was charming and nice to me and made me feel really special. He was mean to a lot of people and told me I was really the only person he cared about. He stole stuff and hurt people and was really manipulative but stupidly I didn’t think much of it. Then about 5 months into the relationship he started to get kind of distant and would make up more excuses and one time literally hid from me to avoid hanging out, (I caught him and he made up some bs excuse that I knew was a lie and he apologized until I said I forgave him). Then in the last month he was getting really distant and one day asked if we could talk. So I said yes and he told me he “missed being alone”. I asked him what the hell he meant and he said how the relationship was all a game for him and he used me to “hookup” (kiss) and talking to me was a burden. I started to tear up and I saw him smile and I screamed that I knew he enjoyed watching me hurt. He suggested we be friends and I told him that that would never happen and I walked away. Then a few days later he texted me saying how he was sorry and the silence of me not texting him was killing him and he truly felt bad. I told him to leave me alone and I later found out he was on drugs when he messaged me that. A few weeks after I hear rumors spreading that we had sex (which is not true). I confronted him about it and he denied it and I haven’t talked to him since. I know he still tells people the rumor but I refuse to speak to him ever again so I will have to deal with the rumor I guess. Months and months later he is still in my dreams and I still cry a lot about the whole thing. It hurts so bad to be lied to and used when you thought you knew the person so well. It makes me not want to trust anymore, and this sounds messed up but I kind of am wishing I was a sociopath so I don’t have to deal with these feelings anymore. It sucks so bad, especially when he was my first kiss and first boyfriend…. Help ):
I came across this site today and it was like a punch in the face. Every sign of dating a sociopath was relevant. I was married to a great man, with 3 young children when I started working at a new job and fell in love with my boss. He is 45 and the VP of the company and I am 33. He was also married and had 2 kids. He told me that he was in a doomed marriage and that he was planning to leave with or without meeting me and I was no longer attracted to my husband so when this extremely charismatic, handsome, successful man came along I was swept off my feet. He would go on and on with crazy stories about his past to impress me. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before (within the first couple of weeks) and we would leave the office every single day to be together at lunch. He also had that stare that everyone talks about on here- he would literally look at me like he wanted to eat me and I thought it was because I was special. I had never had a man look at me that way and he had the most deep and mysterious eyes I was spellbound.
As the relationship progressed we both left our spouses to start a life together. I was so happy. He didnt have any friends from his past and didnt understand why I placed so much importance on my friends and family. He would always say he wished he could move me away somewhere so we could be alone all the time. Any time I would make plans that didnt involve him he would get upset or pout. My whole family thought he was a manipulating smooth talker and he told me they were just out to destroy us. I was so blindly in love that I didnt listen to them.
Sexually, he was never satisfied. He wanted to have sex with me three times a day, would try to wake me up to have sex, was constantly groping me and loved the idea of tying me up so I would “submit” to him. I thought he just had a very active sex drive but now I see it was all about control. He was obsessed with “giving me pleasure” when in reality it was just to boost his own ego about what a great lover he was.
In an argument he would always find a way to manipulate my words to make it seem like it was my fault- he was verrrry good at this.
Contrary to most stories on here he is a very successful businessman who makes good money however he used to brag all the time about how he didnt do much- he would just get other people to do his work and pull the strings from the top. Since he had more money than I did and I am a single mom he volunteered to “control my finances” so that I wouldt get into finanacial trouble. He was also a true gentleman about NEVER letting me pay for anything we did together. I realize now that he wanted me to think I couldnt do it without him.
He didnt care about anyone elses feelings and showed absolutley no remorse or guilt ever. He positioned it as “I only care about you. You are the center of my universe and everyone else doesnt matter”
He was also very jealous, as was I, mostly because of the circumstances in which we met. He would get mad at me for talking to another guy in a bar and tell me that I had a constant need for outside affirmation that I was beautiful when really I was just being friendly. he stopped going out to bars and would go to bed early on business trips just so that I would do the same or it would be a double standard.
The final blow came when I had to postpone plans with him because I had to take my son to a bday party I had forgotten about. His response was “I’m tired of being a backseat to all your shit”.
I broke it off with him 4 days ago and I have gone through all of the stages of grief multiple times. I tend to focus on all of the good times we had because when they were good they were absolutely fantastic. I am having trouble admitting to myself that the whole thing was a sham because he really did make me feel loved when it was just the two of us. He has now shut me out of his life completely by blocking me from facebook, etc. He told me when I ended it that we would both move and meet new people easily and that he knew he wouldnt have a problem finding someone right away. I dont know if this was his way of trying to make me jealous or if he really is indifferent. I have brokendown and contacted him a couple of times and he was very cold, telling me we both had to move on and I had made my choice. I am trying to stay strong but it is like a drug addiction that I am detoxing from.
Thank you for the great website…
Not sure if this is where “my story” is supposed to go, and I won’t go on and on for several reasons. In a nutshell, I only discovered well after the fact that the “love-of-my-life” is a sociopath/narcissist devoid of any real conscience who only used me for six years at a very vulnerable time (when I was newly separated from a long abusive marriage). And the discard, brutal and traumatic as it was, happened several years ago.
The problem I had that others don’t seem to was a complete inability to let go. I never heard of “no contact” rules and had no idea how much worse I’d feel [instead of better, which was what I was going for!] by reaching out to him periodically. Because I know his track record with women so well, I figured the new relationship – one he significantly gains from financially – would crash and burn long since. That’s what I was waiting so patiently to learn. But tragically, it’s not what I ever heard: he’s sticking to her like glue because of all the tangible benefits he’s getting.
The last time I made an attempt to put out feelers, he did something I never thought possible. He told me “never contact him again.” I still can’t believe the person who told me he would always treat me with kindness and respect ended up burning all bridges in such a “final” way. I think what I’m looking for now is whether or not this has happened to anyone else?? I’ve read several other victims stories, but I don’t think I’ve come across this.
If you can, please help!! I don’t think I’ll ever heal from those six years I thought of as bliss and paradise, especially since I still haven’t. And he’s denied me the satisfaction of hearing about it when that woman he so easily replaced me for is finally gone from his life. But at least it would help if I could know I’m not alone in actually being told by the sociopath who ended up destroying me never to contact him again. Even just one other person who’s been told the same would help make me feel I’m not completely alone in this horror story I can’t seem to wake up from.
Thanks so much for reading.
blackcat36
Before I met this man, I had no idea what a sociopath even was. All I knew was that he was different. I knew from the minute I met him that he wasn’t normal, but me being a free spirited artist, I admired his abnormalities and instead of seeing all of the red flags I saw what I wanted, blinded by “love”. He showered me with affection and gifts just like they all do and I immediately fell into his game. He made an almost immediate attempt to get to know the real me in order to manipulate me. He mirrored my personality and made me believe that he was everything I had spent my whole life searching for. We spent the first two months of January and February living in a dream world, but it didn’t take long for me to notice that he was not the type of person you spend the rest of your life with. It started with little things; the first one being that he never apologized for anything. When a girl complains about her image or well-being, she wants the boyfriend to comfort her and tell her it’s okay. My sociopath, however, would tell me that it’s my fault. If I complained about my bad skin, he would tell me to stop wearing so much makeup and wash my face more. If I felt sick, he would tell me to stop going out so much and being irresponsible and then I might feel better. It stung me, but I ignored it.
Then came the miserable night in March when I caught a glimpse of the monster inside of him. I went to the emergency room for an old condition I used to have, calling him in hopes that he would pick me up and care for me. He knew that I was in a great amount of pain, but seemed to be quite irritated by it. He refused to pick me up and told me that it’s my fault I’m in there. He believed he shouldnt have to get out of his bed and come pick me up when it was my own fault for not taking better care of myself like he told me to. Feeling betrayed and alone, I immediately broke up with him while still in the hospital bed. For the next 3 hours he sent me message after message telling me that I am nothing and that he will carelessly replace me in a heart beat with someone who is “ten times hotter”. He claimed he could have had sex with her long ago but held off because of me, attempting to pin the break up on me and trying to make me believe I made a horrible mistake.
I ignored him for the weekend while he begged and pleaded for a second chance. Somehow, through his sociopathic manipulative ways, he snaked his way back into my life and earned a second chance with me. It was then that he began the sexual abuse. His birthday rolled around and he forced me to do things I did NOT want to do. I screamed, I cried, I begged him to stop and told him he was hurting me. But he enjoyed it. He got off on his control over me and had a sick fascination with seeing me suffer. He slapped me so hard I was covered in purple welts for two weeks and hid it under my clothes. And he somehow got away with it by saying he just wanted to experiment and that any other girl would do it for him. Again, making me feel like I was the one making a mistake.
In the month of April, I began to bury myself in websites and forums about sociopaths. And to my horror I discovered who he really was. Every day after that was spent trying to find a way out of his trap, but the farther I ran the quicker he came after me. When I met him he attended a community college. Towards the end of the spring semester, he told me he decided to transfer to my college. Not only that; he signed a lease to an apartment complex under 5 minutes away from mine. I knew I had to get away from him as quickly as I could.
Summer began and I went back to my parents house. I worked 5 days a week and met someone new. We are still, to this day, in a relationship. But his presence in my life has added fuel to the fire of my sociopath. He lost his mind, beginning to park in front of my house every single day for two months straight. He took my bus to school, even lingered outside of my classroom once or twice just to remind me that he’s there and there’s no getting rid of him. “I’m going to pursue you for the rest of my life”, he once said to me.
Now, it is December. It has been almost an entire year of psychological trauma and living in fear of what he’ll do next. I only pray that my boyfriend remains safe and away from this evil, heartless monster and his sick obsession.
Hi, I am so sorry for the delay in reply to you. I am also going to send a reply to your email. This man is a very dangerofrous man, and could possibly be a psychopath. He is dangerous, violent. I really urge you to contact the police. To keep records of everything. Do not feel ashamed that this has happened and keep it to yourself, it is important that you tell people that are close to you, what has happened. If necessary I think that you might have to get an injunction/restraining order to keep him away from you. It sounds as if he is keeping you in fear. I will also send a message to your email. Please stay safe.
Hello, and thank you for make me feel welcome and safe on this page.
I’m a gay man that was involved with a sociopath for 4 years. My relationship with him followed the sociopath text book in every aspect. We even got married in CA on December 14 last year. At the end, I was isolated, no friends, he was creating distance even between me and my daughters, since he saw them as a threat, and he would never leave me alone, even if I was going to the supermarket. I was also supporting him for the last two years, while “he was starting a new career”. But there is a twist here and I don’t see many people experiencing the break up like I did. I found out about the cheating reading text messages on his phone with dozens of male prostitutes for the last two and as half years. After confronting him on a public place, he asked me if we could go home and discuss this in private. I agreed, but took my time to drive home, in an effort to relax after finding everything out. When I got home, I found him passed out on the floor after taking a cocktail of prescription drugs. He survived and when I had a chance to talk to him at the hospital I said that the relationship was over and that I had pulled the plug on all the benefits he was enjoying until then. At that moment, I saw in his eyes the cold soulless person he really is. He left the hospital after being served with the divorce papers and immediately moved back to Florida to live with his family in West Palm Beach and never contact me again, what is odd since I read when sociopaths get caught they usually come after you trying to lure you back. I’m now going through the divorce from this monster and he hasn’t made any demands so far, it seems that all he wants is to get away from me, since I’ve been exposing him in social media.
Welcome vrf, by exposing him, and putting your energy into this, you are giving away your power, and giving away your energy that really could be used for you. To help, and heal you, sociopaths thrive on energy and attention…… positive or negative, they don’t particularly care. They just like playing the game. The best revenge of all, would be to give no energy to it at all. Nothing. By giving nothing he will act out and show his true colours…… doing what you are doing, you risk giving him ammunition to label you as crazy and obsessed, even if not to your face, he will to others, next he will be telling others about your state of mind and mental health etc, all behind your back. They are masters of deception….. I will have to edit his name from your comment when I get onto my laptop, I am on my tablet and cant do so right now. Sociopaths could find a needle in a haystack, while you might want him to know that you are exposing him, a true sociopath wouldn’t take that lying down and would flip the situation around in an instant.
@vrf92, all of us know from experience how hard is to see the truth. Be careful and don’t let your pain dictate what you will do. Exposing him on social media can only give problems to you. So please, concentrate on your recuperation, and not on revenge. Best of wishes.
vrf792, I think you see their true characters very clearly once they realise you’ve seen through them, and if you made it clear that he’d never get anymore source of supply, emotional or financial from you, that would explain the disappearing act. The overdose was the cry for help that was meant to fool you but didn’t work.
I know from experience, even now, the desire to have some sort of closure or apology, even if it’s empty, but it’s also unlikely to happen, unless he thinks he can get something from you.
Like you, I went on a mad exposing spree – not so mad, I did target his friends and potential lovers/sources of income, with some success. You will get passed this though, and it starts by realising you’ve won already by getting rid of him. He’s still the sad pathetic illusion that you saw through. Things will get better, just don’t let the understandable need for revenge or to warn others be your whole focus or take over who you are.
Dolores, thank you for your comment. Very enlightening.
vrf792 Dolores & NMI are right, don’t over expose because, ultimately you look crazy. Don’t let ‘crazy making behavior’ turn you into something you are not. Use your pain to heal yourself. Revenge will give you temporary satisfaction & a sense of power but, inevitably you will still have to deal with the knowledge that you were betrayed by someone you cared for. Keep going & find other things to keep you busy.
Love & light 🙂
PR aka Awareb4 xoxo
I decided to share my story although I am not sure if my (ex) boyfriend is actually a sociopath but he has some traits.
First things first, we met online through a site that you chat with camera. We were from different countries and english is not our native language. He was a very charming,handsome man,a little older than me (no more than 5 years) and had the most wonderful smile I had ever seen. Before we close the chat he gave me his skype and number and a week after we had our first skype chat. I was the type of the insecure girl,afraid too much that he won’t like me but I didn’t express these concerns immediately.
Since our first skype chat,he called me a “goddess”, something that really felt off and he continued on the next chats until I told him that we don’t really know each other and it made me feel somehow awkward. He then stopped and everything was actually going great afterwards. We started talking more and more and he would compliment me and say what a beauty I was and we had more and more and more in common. He called me his “soulmate” before he even meets me,something that it felt off but also very good because i had never had a boyfriend. There were nights in the beginning that I would feel very tired and I had school the next day so I was always letting him know that I was going to sleep so I won’t be late at school. He started paying back saying that he had a headache and can’t have a chat and that I ignored him when he was able anyway.
We finally met 4 months after, he visited me and I was totally in love with him. He was perfect. He was handsome,artistic, romantic,he said he wanted to marry me etc. After he left,he called in sick from his job and visited me a week before my final exams. During my exams however, he started disappearing suddenly without a reason. He was texting less and less and he didn’t write me at all in the weekend. We hadn’t argued or something and then on Sunday afternoon,he wrote me that he harmed himself and that he couldn’t stand the long distance anymore. He promised not to do this again, not to give me the silent treatment. He had given me the silent treatment before we meet and had promised before not to do it.
After that I forgave him and visited him for summer vacations. Everything was heavenly and he had bought me an expensive jewellery for my birthday and also remembered our 8 month anniversary. During that time I noticed that I had only met his parents (because he’s living with them) but non of his circle. He had met my best friend and some other friends of mine as well. He had told me that he doesn’t make friends easily because they all look for themselves and he doesn’t match with anyone. All in all,he had no friends except a guy from facebook who also lives in a different country and is also antisocial to the core. And I had met none of his surroundings except his parents and a co-worker who happened to be there at the time he was working.
When I went back to my country, he gave me another silent treatment. No reason this time..again… I thought that I should end this before it takes over me. I was totally depended on him. He made me think that together we’ll be happy and live the dream. He came back from the silent treatment begging for my forgiveness and asking me to get back together. I said okay because I was so in love. He was my first love and he had said all these good things that make you believe he’s the one.
A month ago we had some arguments and was saying that his problems are more important than mine and that actually mine were “nothing” compared to his. He was saying that I don’t understand him and we were arguing about that. According to him I was acting out like a crazy person who doesn’t understand him. Anyway,we got back together (guess who said sorry…) and one day later silent treatment strikes again. He held it for half a week and then decided to come back and of course I said yes because I have booked the tickets to visit him for Xmas. He told me that this situation is not a routine and he won’t repeat it again.
We were actually good for a while,not arguments, but I had to play nice and not hurt in order not to lose him again with a silent treatment. We were looking forward for Christmas but suddenly his router went bad and he told me he’d buy one soon. I was okay with that, we were still texting while he was working but not too much,just the basics “hi,how are you?” with hearts,smileys etc.
Now he has disappeared for more than a week. I cried,I texted him every day, I called him but no response. I stopped writing/calling since yesterday and now I have a broken heart but I also feel optimistic for the future.
I thought he was the only one. And here is why: He was charming,intelligent, handsome and always said the right thing. He knew all my weaknesses and made me feel better about myself. He seemed to be crazily in love with me. He was always saying that he wants to marry me,that I was the woman of his life and that he’s the luckiest man to have me in his life. He also said that I was the only one that he could be himself with.
But he knew how the silent treatment made me feel. I let him know that when we were together. It is proved that it was like I told him that I am allergic to peanuts and eversince he’s feeding me with peanuts. He knew that I was crazy for him when he did that. I was saying how I love him and beg him to break the silence and get back together. I felt like nothing,worthless and miserable when he did that and I told him about my feelings but he’s still giving me the silent treatment.
I don’t know what to do. I can see some or better most of the socio traits in him but I am not sure.
The question of NC, or “No Contact”…
I have read this advice at various places on the internet, but unfortunately that advice came far too late for me. I didn’t even fully realize he was a sociopath (though I knew he was a narcissist) until years after the discard, and especially after the final email of “Subject: Hi there, Message: Never contact me again!” After that I began my intense research and realized it was because he is now fully entrenched with his new victim/partner and gaining too much benefit from it to jeopardize it by continuing to be in contact with me (who she was already extremely jealous of from the start).
Obviously, I did not go by the No Contact rule. In fact, I did just the opposite and tried contacting him periodically for years believing that relationship would have crashed and burned. He’s not good at relationships and even with me he was never monogamous. We were on-again, off-again, and I only stuck by him because I was head-over-heels in love [sadly, for the one and only time in my life]. It was also right after I was divorced, so I was quite vulnerable after a long and miserable marriage. Imagine my delight when I found “my prince charming!” There’s no way I could have ever known after years what he would end up doing to me. I feel completely destroyed and no one has come close to measuring up, which is why I’ve tried but not found anyone else.
I guess my question is, did my ongoing contact (every few months or so) do any further harm than was already done by him dumping me for a “sugar mommy?” He expected me to accept that relationship, and I’m proud that I never ever did. I think that galled him — good. If there was one thing he was never going to get from me, it was acceptance and forgiveness.
Thanks for reading.
BlackCat36
Hi black cat, it would have done harm to you lengthening your pain. But not to him, only to massage his ego of how amazing he is,
Why are my posts still in moderation?
My post:
“The question of NC, or “No Contact”… I have read this advice at various places on the internet, but unfortunately that advice came far too late for me. I didn’t even fully realize he was a sociopath (though I knew he was a narcissist) until years after the discard, and especially after the final email […]”
Reply:
“Hi black cat, it would have done harm to you lengthening your pain. But not to him, only to massage his ego of how amazing he is,”
It’s too late to say that it lengthened my pain (for over five years!) and massaged his ego of how amazing he is. My question now is, after all these years of investment, HOW CAN I MAKE ANY IMPACT WITH HIM? I read a new post today about a woman who can’t believe the guy she’s in love with is a Sociopath just using her, although after what I went through for many years, I now know she’s in the exact same boat I was in. There MUST BE SOMETHING I CAN SAY to get at him. Can anyone PLEASE tell me what it would be?! I feel there are only two ways I can heal: 1) I find someone else to love (which I haven’t in over five years) or 2) I get back at him with words. There is nothing else. CAN’T ANYONE HERE WITH EXPERIENCE HELP?
BlackCat36
Hi Black cat, why do you want to make an ‘impact’ with him? Hasn’t he made enough impact on you and your life? Hasn’t he done enough to you? If you don’t get his attention, go celebrate your freedom, go enjoy and celebrate your freedom. You will never ‘get at him’ because he doesn’t care. You are just torturing yourself. You don’t need someone else to make you happy. You don’t need someone elses permission to be happy. YOU are in control of you, your life and your own choices. You are asking and expecting the impossible. To expect someone to care, who quite simply cares about ONE person – HIMSELF….
You give yourself TWO OPTIONS I am telling you that there are THREE…. the third and most important one is your own choice, and this is to LOVE YOURSELF. Treat yourself as your own best friend, just love yourself, treat yourself well. Set yourself goals and targets for you no matter how small they are, and set those goals and start achieving.
You want to know how to get back at him> Really get back at him…. to walk away, to hold your head up high and start living life for you. THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL!!!! This has already taken five years of your life. Another year is coming up. Please set some goals for you WITHOUT him….. let go, please let go, so that you can grow.
Those are the exact words he used to tell me: “you can be happy alone, you don’t need anyone else to make you happy, the best revenge is living well!” You sound exactly like him. Sorry, but those strategies aren’t working for me. Not only that, they echo his exact hurtful words to me. ;-(
blackcat36
I am sorry if this hurts you black cat. But all of those things are true as any survivor will tell you, try to see it another way, see this as addiction, imagine you were addicted to cigarettes, you wanted to quit they were choking you and taking all your money. Which would be the best strategy? Keeping smoking sometimes so you didn’t have pain withdrawal ….. or quit full stop, go through pain of withdrawal start to have more cash, more energy, more time to do other things? By feeding the addiction you are feeding the monster within, he is not amazing you are.
The more of these that I read the more obvious it becomes that my ex husband fits on here too…so yeah went from a bad one to a worse one…
@Blackcat, no one says that it will be easy, but I assure you that it will be the best. So please, cut the strings and begin to walk far away from him.
Hi, I dated my Psycho/Socio/Narcissist back in 1990 and he was a 6ft 8 18 stone gentle giant, good fun, kind yet a bit egotistical. We split a year later a remained friends and in contact for years. I met my partner had 2 daughters and was content with life in general. Fast forward to May this year when I ran into my ex, I split with the girls dad and 16 weeks later Mr X, after 16 weeks of love bombing, declarations of undying love, lies, empty promises (all of which I fell for hook line and sinker), I married the guy at Gretna Green in August this year. All was well in my little life until 2 days into the honeymoon when the ‘mask’ fell off big style! He accused me of sleeping with the barman, taking drugs and texting men via FB! I was astonished, how could this loving, gentle guy turn on me so viciously?! Over the next 3 months he hit me, tortured me mentally claiming I was bi-polar, alcoholic, manic depressive and had a borderline personality disorder! I was at my wits end and convinced myself I was the one who was nuts. I turned detective in the end and found out he was £55k in debt, had bad credit, wasn’t working when he said he was, I don’t think he was cheating with anyone else but he did stalk my ex partner and confronted him one day claiming I was a psycho, had bulimia and ASPD! He was a crap liar so I began to question him and he hated that! I had sussed him out and it made him furious!!!! I refused to let him live with me as I was afraid of him being around my girls – this tipped him over the edge! I have a £500k house, earn a good wage, a new car and lots of friends. I was damned if this unemployed psycho was going to wreck mine and my kids life and bleed me dry financially! I maintained NC for 3 weeks when he reappeared crying, saying he couldn’t live without me and the kids, would get a job and do anything for us to stay together. Like a fool I believed him and took him back (still not let him move in tho’) and then after a month he walked out and wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. I was distraught! I went to his house in the end to get answers and he called the police and claimed I was harassing HIM! He’s 6ft 8 and 18 stone ffs! I’m 5’10 and 11 stone.
After another 6 weeks of NC and a shitload of research on line I now realize what he is – a loser for one thing, but predominately a psychopathic narcissist. He lied, stalked my ex, was violent, claimed to know famous people, hated and mistrusted anyone but his own mother, accused me of being crazy, was a sexual deviant wanting me to sleep with other men in front of him (I thought men like the idea of 2 women not another man – perhaps he’s gay too!). I’ve since heard he interfered with his ex’s son, took drugs and tried to get her involved in ‘dogging’ (Google it!)
Anyway, revenge is a dish best served cold and boy is he going to get it big style! I’ve applied for an annulment on HIS mental incapacity, applied for financial assistance from him (he has 2 step daughters and a wife after all!!), reported him for numerous tax avoidence, signed him up to gay websites, reported him for handling stolen goods – you name it he’s getting it. Now, you may think this is mad but let me tell you this – I won, by not letting him get his way, seeing through him, refusing to let him move in, but best of all finding out through forums like these that it’s HIM with the problem not me and he will NEVER be truly happy. NC is the future no matter how hard, so be strong sisters, there is hope for all of us – just don’t marry the loser like I did 🙂
@Lisa,
Talk to her and be clear on letting her know that you know what’s happening, that you are avalaible for her no matter what. If you have the chance to talk to her teraphist let them know about the abusive conduct of her partner. You have to be patient and strong…the time will come when she at last make her cry for help. As I repeated before try to read, “Why he does it?” Not every abuser is a psychopath, but every psycopath is an abuser.
@Foxechick,
I’m glad that you were able to give him a spoon of his own medicine…my Pinochio had the same fantasy and tortured me trying that I said names of men that I want to have a threesome with him or if I want to be with someone we encounter during the day..I never undestood this
I came across this site today and it was like a punch in the face. Every sign of dating a sociopath was relevant. I was married to a great man, with 3 young children when I started working at a new job and fell in love with my boss. He is 45 and the VP of the company and I am 33. He was also married and had 2 kids. He told me that he was in a doomed marriage and that he was planning to leave with or without meeting me and I was no longer attracted to my husband so when this extremely charismatic, handsome, successful man came along I was swept off my feet. He would go on and on with crazy stories about his past to impress me. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before (within the first couple of weeks) and we would leave the office every single day to be together at lunch. He also had that stare that everyone talks about on here- he would literally look at me like he wanted to eat me and I thought it was because I was special. I had never had a man look at me that way and he had the most deep and mysterious eyes I was spellbound.
As the relationship progressed we both left our spouses to start a life together. I was so happy. He didnt have any friends from his past and didnt understand why I placed so much importance on my friends and family. He would always say he wished he could move me away somewhere so we could be alone all the time. Any time I would make plans that didnt involve him he would get upset or pout. My whole family thought he was a manipulating smooth talker and he told me they were just out to destroy us. I was so blindly in love that I didnt listen to them.
Sexually, he was never satisfied. He wanted to have sex with me three times a day, would try to wake me up to have sex, was constantly groping me and loved the idea of tying me up so I would “submit” to him. I thought he just had a very active sex drive but now I see it was all about control. He was obsessed with “giving me pleasure” when in reality it was just to boost his own ego about what a great lover he was.
In an argument he would always find a way to manipulate my words to make it seem like it was my fault- he was verrrry good at this.
Contrary to most stories on here he is a very successful businessman who makes good money however he used to brag all the time about how he didnt do much- he would just get other people to do his work and pull the strings from the top. Since he had more money than I did and I am a single mom he volunteered to “control my finances” so that I wouldt get into finanacial trouble. He was also a true gentleman about NEVER letting me pay for anything we did together. I realize now that he wanted me to think I couldnt do it without him.
He didnt care about anyone elses feelings and showed absolutley no remorse or guilt ever. He positioned it as “I only care about you. You are the center of my universe and everyone else doesnt matter”
He was also very jealous, as was I, mostly because of the circumstances in which we met. He would get mad at me for talking to another guy in a bar and tell me that I had a constant need for outside affirmation that I was beautiful when really I was just being friendly. he stopped going out to bars and would go to bed early on business trips just so that I would do the same or it would be a double standard.
The final blow came when I had to postpone plans with him because I had to take my son to a bday party I had forgotten about. His response was “I’m tired of being a backseat to all your shit”.
I broke it off with him 4 days ago and I have gone through all of the stages of grief multiple times. I tend to focus on all of the good times we had because when they were good they were absolutely fantastic. I am having trouble admitting to myself that the whole thing was a sham because he really did make me feel loved when it was just the two of us. He has now shut me out of his life completely by blocking me from facebook, etc. He told me when I ended it that we would both move and meet new people easily and that he knew he wouldnt have a problem finding someone right away. I dont know if this was his way of trying to make me jealous or if he really is indifferent. I have brokendown and contacted him a couple of times and he was very cold, telling me we both had to move on and I had made my choice. I am trying to stay strong but it is like a drug addiction that I am detoxing from.
Thank you for the great website…
Hi smarter, welcome to the site. I am unsure if he is a sociopath from what you describe. he sounds like a self obsessed asshole, yes, but am unsure about sociopath. They do so much destruction to a persons life…. beyond what is even thinkable (just one thing) – yet they do a whole heap of things over and over. As if it is the most normal thing in the world.
But – what he is, doesn’t matter. What is important is how his behaviour towards you, has made you feel about you. It could be, in your situation that you were both married, and wanted to leave your partners….. got together and it didn’t work out, when it didn’t or when it wasn’t what he expected, he went cold on you? A sociopath would deliberately target you, be the perfect person, mirroring you but all of the time, behind your back is causing carnage. Its a deliberate attempt to cause carnage in your life. He sounds like he has turned your world upside down, and caused you considerable pain. Are you still working with him?
Posativagirl, I read Smarter’s story and agree that it didn’t fit the traditional sociopath modus operandi. Every case I’ve read (and I’ve been reading a lot online over these past difficult years of painful and dubious recovery) have ended with the sociopath initiating the discard, either directly or indirectly. In my case, he ‘coincidentally’ ended our relationship when the housing market crashed and he knew I could no longer follow through on plans to sell my house and use the profit to move closer in to the city (which is what he always wanted). He never even gave any good reasons for ending our six-year on-and-off relationship — that’s because he didn’t have any “good” reasons. Sociopaths are all about usage, manipulation, and intentional game-playing to ensure ‘ownership’ of their mate and thereby maximize their ego and lifestyle. My mistake [aside from being totally blinded from start to horrific finish] was being ignorant of no-contact for years afterward, just hoping I could get back to my ‘fix.’ I now believe addictions to some people are as hard to break as any drug addiction. And sociopaths have honed their skills over their entire lifetime becoming addictive to people.
Gosh you had a lucky escape i was forced to sell my house when the housing market collapsed 5 years ago i had to as was having a baby, he wouldnt speak to me … He did when he needed somewhere to stay i had no clue of this and thought it was a ‘normal’ relationship. It was anything but. I agree it is intentional game playing they know what they are doing. Yes you are also right about addiction too i know this from my work with people who were drug dependent
Thanks for the reply positvagirl. I know it doesnt seem like he is a sociopath because I got out of the relationship right before he had full financial control over me. He literally has every single sign that is listed on the 18 signs so I am sure that he is. When I met him he told me he wasnt capable of love or emotions- I should have listened to him. I dont have any evidence of him lying or cheating but he is sooo very good at it that I’m sure there have been many times.
It has been a month and a half now that we broke up for the final time. I am trying to get over him but its hard and my mind constantly drifts back to the good times we had because they were sooo good. The passion that we shared was unlike anything I have ever experienced. We would have sex 3 times a day and when I started to back off from that because I had other things that needed to get done in the day he claimed that I manipulated him at the beginning to make him think that I had the same sex drive as him.
The reason that I am writing today is because he just called me this morning. We still do work in the same office and he wanted to apologize for being cold with me the last couple of days. He said that he couldn’t look at me because he didn’t know how to stop loving me. He said I looked like I was doing ok and he wanted some advice on how to move on. (I have been trying my best to act like I’m ok because that is what I read on here is the best defense against them). Up until now he has been telling me to move on….that what we had was just a fling…that he was going to get back into the dating world, etc. Now he is saying that he cant move on because he is still in love with me. Do you think he is just trying to see if I am pining for him?? This phone call set me back a few steps 😦
Okay, I wasn’t sure if my last ex-boyfriend was a sociopath or a narcissist or what, but reading your story…well, if yours was a socio/psychopath, then mine was too because, holy christ, are these two guys similar.
My ex also made degrading comments about women and their competence, pause, then laugh and say “It was just a joke!”. One day, he admitted he was only “30% joking”. I’m a feminist, I did not take it well. His disdain towards women wasn’t so casual: he actually HATES women. He’s given excuses and reasons why he does, but I don’t feel it justifies prejudice and misogyny. And telling me “You’re funny/smart. For a woman” doesn’t make it better either -_-.
The reason I bring this up is I’m honestly afraid one day I’ll watch the news and there his face will be: The New Ted Bundy. I know he’s capable of violence. One time he sat on my chest, just ‘playing around’, but when I stopped laughing, started to panic because I couldn’t breathe and started to claw desperately at him, the look on his face still haunts me to this day. He was watching my face with this sort of…detachment. He wasn’t watching me, his girlfriend at the time, gasp for air. He was watching me like…I wasn’t there? I was just some THING he was doing this to and he had this creepy, sort of excited and intrigued expression. He reminded me of a little boy slowly pulling the wings off of a butterfly just to see what would happen. Of course when he finally got up off of me, it was “Just a joke!”. As always.
The worst was when we were drunk and arguing. He was very verbally abusive and would twist my words around during arguments so I always ended up confused and apologizing, but this time I’d had enough. I don’t even remember what I said, but next thing I knew, he had me by the neck, slammed up against his bookcase. He slammed me to the left into his TV, then back up against the bookcase. I, again, was clawing desperately at his face but couldn’t reach him and start to try to scream. His reaction? “SHHHHH. SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU’LL WAKE UP MY DAD”. That was all he cared about…
The next day he pouted at me and mumbled “You HATE me. You think I’m the WORST boyfriend ever” and I found myself leaning down to hug his shoulders and said “No. I don’t hate you. You’re not a bad boyfriend. I’m sorry” and I felt dead inside. I thank god he dumped me for his co-worker a week or two after that, if we’d stayed together, the violence would have escalated.
What creeps me out a lot is that he showed up at my house one night recently. Granted, he DOES live nearby, but he spends the majority of his time at his new-new girlfriends house. I had no idea why he was at my place, sitting in his car. I was standing outside the drivers window, barefoot, after he texted me to come outside and he kept insisting I get in the car. “C’mon, I wanna go to such and such a place, c’mooonnnn. Like old times. Get in the car. C’mon, please? We’re just gonna go to such and such a place. It’ll be fun, c’mmmonnn, get in the car!” with this big smile. I immediately felt something was off. Why the hell was he here? We never spoke, we never hung out. He just showed up and just REALLY wanted me in that car, didn’t matter if I was barefoot. My gut was screaming NO. I told him “I’m expecting a call from my boyfriend soon, I can’t go anywhere. Lets just sit on this bench if you wanna talk for a bit?” and his face just fell into a scowl. We sat on the bench making awkward conversation until he left a few minutes later. All enthusiasm he had for hanging out with me seemed to be wrapped up in me getting into that car and the moment it was clear that nuh-uh, not getting in the car, the whole “Heyyyy let’s hang, like old times!” act died.
Was he hoping to get some sexy times from an ex (wouldn’t have happened)? I feel like he had something much darker in mind. Maybe I’m paranoid. Who knows.
OH. How could I forget: the admission that he’d spent his teen years fantasizing about killing women. They had been hyper violent sexualized fantasies. He “took care of himself” about 6-9 times a day AND wanted sex constantly. He, too, got off on Submission/Control. I was fine with it at the time, I figured everybody has their kinks…what goes down in the bedroom is very different from what you do in the rest of your life. I justified his violent-sexual-murder fantasies towards women admission as just some weird phase he went through as an overly horny and confused teenager. Figured his brain was just going to some weird, dark places as a form of experimentation.
Now that I know serial killers start out with in depth, highly detailed fantasies and cross the boundary into actual violence when the fantasies aren’t doing it for them any more. I’m not religious, but I seriously pray to God that my ex doesn’t start preying on women and doing awful things to them. It doesn’t help his case that I later discovered his 6 year long ‘crush’ on me before we dated wasn’t so much a crush but actually him stalking me. For 6 years. Then I dated him. Maybe I should be focusing more on what’s wrong with ME.
Hi Wintersdaughter it is scary isn’t it, when you see the patterns, and then see similar in high profile cases. In the UK, while I was going through the processing stage, it appeared to be everywhere. On the tv, it was like I had suddenly obtained a psychopath radar, I knew exactly what was psychopathic behaviour.
Fortunately the last one in my life, was more haphazzard than violent. But the traits were identical to what i was reading in books, seeing on tv etc…. If I am honest, at that time, it scared me. It really scared me, what could he have been capable of? As if what he had already done, wasn’t bad enough. Even today my brain struggles to process it all.
You ask what is wrong with you? You might have been affected by life events that have happened to you. You might have been left confused, even frightened by what has happened to you. It may have made you question your own sense of judgement.
But ….. this is nothing, that working with a good therapist couldn’t help you with.
First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you. You’ve helped me to understand the havoc that I have gone through for the last 22 months. I read (and had several of my friends read) the 18 signs that you could be dating a sociopath, and they could have been written about my ex. We met on an online dating site and at first it seemed perfect, like a match made in heaven (little did I know). He wasn’t working at the time, but he assured me that he consistently made over $150k a year doing consulting. Our whole courtship he was paying … using his mother’s debit card, basically spending through an inheritance that she had gotten. The first red flag was one day I left the house, then realized that I had forgotten something, came back in to find him on the phone with his mom “oh my god mom, you should see her house”, yeah, at that point he shouldn’t have been seeing it anymore. He’s an “extrovert” … but basically what that means is that he needs to have a lot of social network people that he doesn’t know validate him and pat him on the back. Of his 1400+ Facebook friends he probably only knows 10 of them in real life. Like many have mentioned, he had a really high sex drive (but unfortunately wasn’t very good), he wanted it at least twice a day if not more. At first I went along with everything, then the red flags started piling up, first I came home from work one day (he was, of course, out of work) to find that he had filled my basement from floor to ceiling with crap from ex’s, toys from his kids years ago, I am talking filled my basement. In trying to get him out of the house I rented a 2 BR apt uhaul and that only got about 60% of the stuff out of my house. He started picking Facebook fights with my friends, behind my back he friended a lot of my friends, then friended a lot of theirs. I found out after the breakup that he messaged and spoke to many of them about “our sex life” … which by this time was a fantasy, because the more red flags were happening, the less it was happening, until up to about a year ago when I basically pushed away all of his advances. I got a frantic call from my sister that on of my 16 year old niece’s friends had received a Facebook message from him. When I confronted him about what a 50 year old man is doing messaging a 16 year old, you got it, he started playing the victim. That’s when I was done, but I was starting to see his narcissistic rages, and they scared me, so that was a deterring factor to me breaking up with him. Fast forward to a month ago, I was frustrated beyond belief, this time he hadn’t been working since September, and 2 job offers fell through because of background checks. I was talking to my best friends about how to break up with him safely, and wha la, I came home from work one night, he said we needed to talk, said he thought I was the one for him but was getting the idea he wasn’t the one for me. Boy was he shocked when I agreed immediately. But no, it didn’t end there. He left in my car (because he didn’t have one at the time) and proceeded to spam text me all night, and for several days. He’s put me through hell and back in the last month, but finally yesterday he came and got the rest of this stuff. I established no contact by letting him know if he attempts to contact me again, my response will be to get an attorney.
they can be either a man or a woman . I am a male that had a female sociopath G/F for three years and it doesent matter which sex they are every storie fits her to a tee like if yal follow our every movement for those three years.Do all sociopaths go to schooling to learn the same shit to manipulate and mental abuse their their fake love for the moment .Down right to the breaking up once a month like clock work tothe slient treatment and mental abuse to the name calling when you call them out on a lie NEVER AGAIN WILL SHE BE LET IN!
Broke/ but karma is a Bitch…
It’s been a month since I broke from my sociopath boyfriend.
I wasn’t looking for a relationsip but as it starts he wormed his way in with his charm and looks and he told me everything I wanted to hear. He mirrored my lifestyle needs and wants.
He told all my friends how amazing I was told me everyday he loved me and did everything I wanted to please me.
I was a bit suspicious at first as he was so amazing why didn’t he have ANY (not one) friend. He didn’t even Speek to his family.
After an amazing weekend my friend said there was a picture of me and my new boyfriend going around the local facebook page warning me that he was an awful cheating lieing steeling man. But as I couldn’t see it and because of his charm I thought it must be just Jelouse ex’s.
Little cracks began to show in his behaviour 4 months in he managed to persuade me to let him move in saying he was having problems with his housemates, I found out was lies he wanted to free load of me.
He never had a job and I payed for everything he promiced he would get a job and pay me back when he got a job lasted a week he didn’t give me a penny.
He told me thease sob stories about his dad dieing even showing me the jewelry he got left. His dad isn’t dead he’s still alive I found this out after we broke up from his mum.
He told me he was in care all his life and hadn’t spone to his mum for 10 years that’s why he dosent see his family. I met his mum after we broke up he was never in care he stole of his mum he stole his brothers and gf money they saved for ivf and stole his dead grandads jewelry off his nan!!! Oh and nicked the auntys credit cards. I found out all this in the process of breaking up. Sick
He denyed it all of cource.
He started to get nasty and controlling he even made me quit my job and live off my savings.
There is so much more I could say but I think iv blocked it out my memory!
Anyway in the end he put me down all the time told me I can’t get better than him so I kicked him out and moved in with a friend.
He text to say he was living in a homeless hostel, taking drugs and he loved me and couldn’t move on from me. I rang up all the homeless hostels they had never heard of him! So I rang him when I caught him out and after I caught him out with his dad being dead and all the other lies! He was backed into a corner no where to run. So he sent me a text to say as he cant use me anymore he is on to the next person to use.
This forum has helped me so much!
I wanted answers from him but I know I was never going to get them. I thought he might of just been a compulsive lier but seeing this page has described exactly who he is!
Thanks for the help
Oh and forgot to mention 2 weeks in he had my name tattoed on him. Aswell we were engaged we broke up for a week and that was his call to have me back. And since ov found out his horrid history every women he had been with had kids and was 20 years older than him. Forgot to mention he cheated never admitted it. Glad I’m only 21 and I only wasted 8 months on him. I still have nightmares about him but that’s it now .
If you have nightmares about him Alice, do you think that you were left traumatised by your experiences with him?
Your welcome alice. No point asking for answers, as they would never give that. That would require honesty, something they really aren’t capable of. Sadly you would get a more comprehensive answer from someone you have never met who understands the patterns of behaviour. Maybe that’s a good thing.
Someone who lies about their father being dead typical sociopathic behaviour.
Hi positivagirl
Yes very traumatised! I had trust issues before only from dating a cheat and I told him that before we got together and I was very weary at first so I think he lied more to gain my trust and even got my name tattoed on him very early on.
I only met his mum few weeks before we broke up and she supported me through the break up, she apologised for what he did and told me that he had always been like that and she didn’t tell me coz she thought he had changed. She dosent Speek to him now. I have nightmares every night but they seem to get better in time and I feel stronger every day.
🙂
I just found out that my sociopathic boyfriend was maintaining a false identity that he gave me to fall in love with. I cannot believe that I didn’t see it, but looking back there were many clues. He is telling everyone now that he has been doing this (maintaining his two identities on face book and other social networking sites) for 7 yrs. He has tried to confess and almost lost the love-of-his-life and change. He didn’t change. He then did it to me, and I just found out. I walked away, one of the hardest things to do, because his version of love-bombing was the best sex of my life. I’ll survive and I hope that he doesn’t do it to other women here in my area. All I can do is learn from this and try to not repeat this experience.
i recently asked a few questions but would like to share my full story. i am having a hard time and all my friends are unsure how to help and getting sick of me only talking about these struggles.i am a young single mom and dont want to admit these things to my family,but they obviously know my sons dad is not a good man, because he has never been consistent or caring. i met a man three years ago. he was the absolute most charming best boyfriend i have ever had,until i got pregnant. during our pregnancy he absolutely disappeared. he came back towards the end from feelings of guilt, and i forgave him, hoping it was just a one time thing because i wanted to attempt to be a legitimate family. i did however refuse to move in with him because of his actions,thank god.it continued happening. he would for months at a time, for no reason – no argument, problems, anything- just stop answering calls and stop showing up. he would come back, and leave. i come back, and leave. i once cried in a corner trying to call him 36 times in a row because our son heard a car door outside and started yelling daddy. i do not want my child to get attached to someone who is just going to leave again, so he and i had one lonnnnng discussion about it this past summer, and things had been amazing- the best they’ve ever been!!!! HE WAS SO GOOD to us for about 4 months. the longest that they had ever gone smoothly. he does have a 6 year old with another woman who had always been nasty towards me from what *he* said. he would tell me she had been saying horrible things about me, and she occasionally made comments in person to me that were negative, so i never questioned him being truthful. Despite her supposed attitude her son has always loved me and during good phases our children have grown to love each other. we always had a family day on sunday, and one sunday in early november my ex didnt show up.he called me and told me that his other childs mom no longer wanted their kid near me, because i am a terrible influence. i believed the story. i started an argument about it, telling him to stick up for me. to tell her how serious he is about us and that im not just some piece of meat, that he actually loves me and wouldnt be willing to stop bringing their kid to see his brother and i. he told me that because of the pressure i was putting on him, he didnt want to talk to me anymore. i tried to contact him a few times,but he pulled his disappearing act again. he didnt contact us for over a month, not even to ask about our son. a week before christmas his other sons mom called me (this is where the manipulations kick in…) and said this. “mason came home from school today CRYING because he misses his brother so much. i cant believe you’re keeping the children apart. its horrible of you.” he told me she didnt want her son near me, and he told her that i wasnt allowing her son over. he told his entire family that i wasnt allowing him to see our child. in this way, he has accomplished all of the sociopath’s most valued goals: he has left me with no closure thinking i wouldnt have the courage to end things, in case he wants to weasel himself back in,to come back. he tried to make me think things were my fault (“you’re pressuring me!”). he told his whole family (parents, brothers, his ex before me/other sons mom) that everything is my fault and that i wasnt allowing him here so that they are pitying him and growing hateful towards me. he told his other kids mom bad things about me,and bad things about her to me,to play us both.he thought that if we didnt like each other we wouldnt talk, and therefore he wouldnt be exposed. if she wouldnt have contacted me i wouldnt know how severe his making up stories was, and now i cannot stop wondering how many other lies he’s told that i didnt know about. he went through ALL of this, solely to not have to be in our lives for a little while. to not have the extra responsibility.on christmas he texted me telling me how much he loves us and ‘misses his family’, and when i ignored the message, he said ” whether you like it or not, i am your sons father and i will be seeing him very soon. i have a bunch of presents for him. i dont care if you trust me- im gonna be in his life no matter what you say.’ so now, he is trying to make us believe there is something in it for us (gifts), and that he is trying to be “good”again. he also probably saved that message so that there is something showing that he tried to see us if i attempt to take him to court. i only have hand written dates and times of times he has harassed, hurt, or blown us off. he does not financially help me- he has bought our son a toy phone and one 52 pack of diapers in two years. he does whatever he wants. i wish i knew where to go from here. but, no contact is an phenomenal first step. any advice, opinions, anyone with stories relating are appreciated . now that i know of this site im sure ill be on here a lot lol.. i felt totally alone. its a relief to see other kind people goin through the bs
x