Hi, I am still not sure if I have been dating a sociopath, pathological liar or just a compulsive liar. He has admited that he lies and has a problem with this, but that is all. We have been together almost 2 full years.
We met at work. He even told me that he had been eyeing me for about a year before we started talking. When we started talking I told him I was married and in the process of a divorce but still living with my now ex. He wasn’t at all bothered by that.
He started off by offering to help with everything. Changing my oil, fixing my fridge, replacing my breaks, anything and everything I needed he wanted to do for me.
By the time we had been dating for 3 months I had still never been to his home. He told me he lived alone (2 daughters lived with their mom). His daughters were close in age to me. He is 21 years older. His response to why I couldn’t go was that his daughters were over on the weekends and he didn’t want them to be “mean” to me and during the week there wasn’t time to go to his house. So I tried being understanding for while and finally told him that I didn’t care if he daughters were “mean” i could handle it. He ended up avoiding the confrontation and litterally ran away. When he finally calmed down he told me he had lied about living alone and actually lived with his sister and her family (I confirmed this as true). I thought well “big deal” why would he lie about that, so trivial and continued the relationship thinking the worst was now behind us.
His secretive behavior continued though. I still never met any of his family, no old friends (and he spoke about them A LOT). So why was I not able to meet them? He said he played games with his male cousins on Sundays but that I couldn’t go because it was a boys only event and I would make them uncomfortable. Say what? They were supposedly all married with families and they spend a whole Sunday, every week away from them? Things like that happened a lot. eVerything was last minute with him. If something needed to be done, it came up last minute and he could not get out of it.
So fast forward to the last few months. In October he came to me and told me that he had to run to Mexico (where is father lived, he had traveld at least 3 other times without me since our relationship) because his dad had “another” stroke. (one past trip was for the supposed first stroke). So I was understanding, didn’t make a big deal about it etc. After 3 days of being gone, he never called. I contacted the sister (that lived with him and only family member I knew) and asked her if she could have him contact me to let me know everything is ok. When she spoke to me she informed me that she didn’t know her dad ever having stroke. That she spoke to her brother the day before and he was out with his father and brothers eating at a restaurant. Needles too say i was a wreck after this! I had no way of calling or texting because he shuts his phone off on these trips. I did manage to e-mail him and he responded saying that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me because I was “cheating” on him and he went to Mexico to clear is head during this “hard tiime” for him. Say what? I never cheated on him. What ended up coming out as his story was that one day he noticed me on the computer and when I got up to do something he came to clean up the table and noticed I was looking at a profile on a dating site. So this all made sense as a logical thing to me because during that time I was on a dating site, not looking for men but to gather information about my son’s biological father who I was now battling for past child support for. I needed proof he was working and knew he was on that dating site. I explained this to my boyfriend and he finished up his week trip, came home and we had a long discussion about lying and that you don’t run away from those things but bring them up to me so we can DISCUSS them logically! He agreed at this point that he had a lying problem and confessed a lot of lies that I knew he had been telling. he said he would go to counseling, etc. but went once and quit.
2 months after this (Last week) comes. He had promised that this year we would spend the holidays togther since the year before he spent two weeks in Mexico with his family. That was the plan we made and I had heard nothing different. Then one night he comes to me and tells me he has a ticket for Mexico and needs to leave the next day. He started this conversation by saying “well it doesn’t matter because you don’t love me anyway.” needless to say I had another melt down. How could he do this after all he has put me through, etc? he ended up not leaving the day he was supposed to. He went to a counseling appointment with me (I had been going regularly do to allthe anxiety and stress from this last 2 years). We sat down with my counselor and came to a “compromise”. He would leave early on the 25th (therefore spending part of xmas with me) and he would come back on the 29th and then we would go do something together. He agreed to call once a day and leave a number for me to call him at.
On the 25th, he left. Told me his cousin was taking him to the airport so I didn’t need to. Said he was leaving his car in our work parking lot (rather than his cousin pick him up at my house?) so he didn’t have to pay for airport parking. He called me that evening saying he was in Las VEgas waiting for connecting flight. I got an e-mail early the next morning saying he was there but little else. Said he would call later that day. No call. Next day, another short e-mail (at 3am his time) saying he would call later, no call. Next day nothing and nothing since. He never came back as promised either.
So now I am thinking that it extends beyond just lying compulsively. This is very hard for me because when he is here he is WONDERFUL! He does dishes, laundry, cleans the house, fixes EVERYTHING, cleans out my car, cooks, does the shopping (and pays). I am very confused about all this. I e-mailed him 3 days ago and told him that I couldn’t take this anymore. The anxiety of not knowing was too much for me. His unwillingness to discuss plans and stick to them was just more than I can handle. In some ways I am certain he is a sociopath but I still question it (which I know is normal). That is why I am looking for any help in figuring this out? What are thoughts on this?
Forgot to add a couple key things. His car was not parked at work, his cousin did not take him to the airport and he told me he was seling his house and had a for sale sign out, which he does not. Before he left he acted all hurt that I didn’t trust him to return when he said and acted like this was very hard for him to do but he had to be there for his dad over the holidays. That was the excuse for having to go.
You may not like what I say here – I am going to be straight forward: I’m sorry to say, but your words here clearly show with absolute certainty that – within the first paragraph it is clear: you are dating a sociopath. They can only take us through 5 stages of “relationships” – and none of this is a matter of the heart for them. They do not care for anyone… They have in fact the portion of the brain that tallows them to feel positive connecting emotions is undeveloped. So – He took you through the stages of love scam: first he assessed you, then won your trust (by fixing things and he knows that works with you so he still cleans, fixe and does chores while he is in your home to maintain your trust and continue confusing you) and is now just ripping a way at your life. I’m guessing you feel confused in a rally profound way – so confused you talk yourself out of being confused? Are you feeling worse and worse – and maybe at this point a little e bit – well – afraid of him. I suppose for sure you know feel bad and things are not what they started out to be by a wide, wide margin. All you have described is – quite mundane for a sociopath – as in it’s all completely normal to them. They are not people with any emotions or concern for anyone else. They love creating invisible or real three way relationships to cause more confusion and suffering. Their intent is not to have a nice relationship – they have no concern for working anything out. – For example blaming you for “Dating” some one and this being so upsetting to him is pure bs. It is a ploy to keep distance between you and keep you hooked at the same time. Vegas, Mexico, emails with nothing in them, not calling, not living in the circumstances he first told you about – all this is the normal behavior of a sociopath. Even going to counselling with you is a game to him. It makes you “happy” so you stay in the “relationship” with him. He lies his way through every session – AND he can use it to make you feel guilty – Also he is learning a lot about what normal people expect in relationships from the counselor and the sessions – he is gathering material to hone his love scam skills. It make no sense to us – normal people – because we have feelings, empathy, love, care, concern, we invest our hearts in relationships and we believe others do as well. We all assume when one gets in a relationship the goal is love and happiness – Not so with a sociopath. They are simply after a few things – ego satisfaction, a “good reputation”, status, sex, material possessions, money, or housing. R.U.N. and do not look back. There is no love on his part for you. Sociopaths are incapable of love. It’s best to leave quietly. Sociopaths are angered when they lose the game. The general rule among those of us who have gone through this is: no contact. Break away and end all contact — no calls, texts, emails, FB messages, voice mails. That is step number one. I recommend changing your phone number or blocking his number through your cell carrier. Blocking him from FB, making his emails spam, and etc. This may seem impossible. You may still need more proof. If you stick around – you will get proof eventually. It will be hard and incredibly painful. I hope so much you can skip that and move on now. — Because he also knows you are catching on to the truth of him… this is when a sociopath winds up and really does damage… then they do disappear. Always. All the Best to You!!!!
@Noelle, triangulation is real, and the sociopaths just love it. Be careful about what you share about him with her (sometimes they use the OW as a way to have contact or power over you), be clear that you will cooperate with the relationship with the brothers and that if he says anything please ask you first. A new year full of peace and better ways!
Hello. While I’m pretty sure my Horrible Ex is at the very least a Narcissist, I’ve never been sure if he was a Sociopath/Psychopath.
However, the girl who was my best friend for 8 years before I booted her from my life is definitely, 100% a raging Sociopath/Psychopath.
We met when we were 14/15. She was in the grade ahead of me, a sophomore, when I was starting high school. I’d previously belonged to a group of friends that I’d started to feel were a bit below my maturity level (wouldn’t talk about periods without losing their minds for example. Like, Christ, we all had them by then, what was the big deal?), they were also constantly switching up who in the group would be “The One Bullied For The Month By The Others” and I happened to be the ‘friend’ they bullied relentlessly most only to decide I was fine after all and turn their attention to someone else, and I just felt we had less and less in common as we started High School. That’s when I met Katie (name changed). Katie seemed incredibly worldly and grown up when I met her. She’d had sex already, boyfriends, friends with benefits and suitors lined up around the block just waiting in hopes she’d even look at them. She had a friendship relationship with her single absentee mother, so she basically just did what she pleased and I viewed her independence and freedom as very adult (rather than blatant negligence on her mother’s part). We shared more common interests than I had with any previous friend and, sad to admit, she was considered very cool and popular by the ‘alternative cool kid crowd’ and was known and adored by everyone in the local scene while I was just a dumpy, pimple faced, four eyed, insecure girl who listened to punk music and had never been kissed, so her social status alone was impressive on top of the fact the girl everyone fell in love with as a friend or suitor considered ME to be ‘cool’ as well. I distinctly remember thinking as we walked home from school one afternoon “I’ve finally met a real friend. Somebody who I have everything in common with, somebody who will be good to me and I will be good to them and they’ll never throw me under the bus to make themselves look better. This is fantastic”. I was so incredibly wrong and naive.
First, there was another girl. Annie was older than us and had been Katie’s friend for awhile, but Katie used her as a sick way for us to bond. Annie was, indeed, a very clingy friend and, while I’m no doctor, she fits Histrionic Personality Disorder to a T. Her need to be the center of attention by faking asthma attacks and demanding we all watch her rendition of a song while she was blatantly panicked by the idea of no one hanging out with her 24/7 was easy to find annoying. Katie would set up scenarios where she’d invite both of us over, show me favor and watch Annie scramble to win back that favor. At the time, I genuinely believed I was truly just that awesome and Annie was obnoxious and needed to take a hint. Katie and I were obviously better friends, why couldn’t she go away. Annie couldn’t get anything right in Katie’s eyes, all of her attempts to become the official BFF again would just be rewarded with put-downs and the silent treatment. I remember standing in a hallway at school as Katie casually and loudly explained to Annie one day why she was so horrible, annoying, stupid, etc. and that she just needed to go away before turning and leaving with me. I remember Annie trembling, hurt and humiliated, with tears in her eyes as I thought “Finally, now Katie and I can be the proper best friends we are meant to be without this chick coming around, being annoying”. Keep in mind, I was 14 and didn’t know about red flags, but if there ever was a red flag, this was one.
Katie introduced me to all of her cool older friends, people considered the best looking in school, in popular local bands, what have you. She introduced me to her 19 year old lover who she HAD SEX WITH (14 year old me still wondered what a french kiss would be like, so this was so utterly grown up and amazing. Not at all weird and just statutory rape…). She took me to shows and, while I definitely felt like her unfortunate looking sidekick, I did enjoy the new status I’d found along with the joy of finding a friend who I could finally, truly relate to.
We hung out every single day, as much as we could, for a year and suddenly, one day, I definitely could relate to poor Annie far more than I could to Katie. I’d watched as Katie went through a string of short term relationships where she’d have her boyfriend completely obsessed with her (“I’m not really sure why, but people just seem to get addicted to me” she’d explained) and actively encouraged that obsession with promises of love and adoration, only to abruptly cut off all contact with them, act like they were insane for thinking there was ever anything between them and would go on to date their best friend like it was perfectly natural. I am not exaggerating or lying when I say this destroyed these boys. One attempted suicide.
While I’d once been her best friend, I suddenly was being treated like Annie and ex boyfriends. “Why are you so obsessed with me? You need to get a life, you’re freaking me out” she’d say to me if I asked if she wanted to walk home together. This was her pattern. Actively encouraging someone to think they’d found a best friend or one true love by creating a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship where she would literally focus entirely on you, only to turn around and act shocked and confused that you thought you were close at all. Some people take up after school activities, Katie took up fostering close relationships just to crush them down the line. Then she started picking me apart and bullying me in front of all these new, cool friends. The boys she had wrapped around her finger would practically stand us next to each other and compare us physically. Katie was transcendent in their eyes, I was disgusting and might as well kill myself. She never stood up for me, she would just preen and smile like a pleased cat, further encouraging this behavior. Then she encouraged others to join in on bullying me. She called me out on the secret cutting habit I’d developed, claiming I was pathetic and doing it for attention (Meanwhile, she had quite a bad cutting/burning habit of her own. To help her feel, she said). I was her new Annie and while I knew it, just like Annie, I scrambled desperately to win back her favor. Which is exactly what she wanted. While I danced on eggshells around her, I simultaneously hated her for constantly turning every social situation into a focus on her by being overtly sexual around drooling, horny teenage boys. “I got these new panties the other day, on sale, they’re so cute. Does anybody want to see them?” she would coyly ask while slowly pulling up her skirt to reveal some mesh thong. I just wanted to hang out, I didn’t want to sit around, bored, while her army of admirers hung on her every word while she purred and cooed and sat in laps as if there could never possibly be any sexual connotation to such a thing.
When I’d reach my breaking point, I’d call Katie out on her bullshit. Her incredibly bad lies that everybody believed without question, her treatment of boyfriends and friends, her use of sex to manipulate, the way she talked people into doing bad things for her while staring deeply into their eyes and speaking in a soft, honeyed voice. Then the sweet, pretty girl facade would drop and I’d almost be faced with a completely different person, someone filled with rage and venom. “You would have zero, ZERO FRIENDS if it wasn’t for me. You’d be completely alone if I didn’t GO OUT OF MY WAY to convince people to like you and even after that, NOBODY FUCKING LIKES YOU. You. Are. Unbearable. People can’t STAND you. They only tolerate you because you. Are. With. ME”. And then I’d feel self loathing and guilt. 15 year old me accepted it all as truth. I was an awful friend after all she’d done for me. Nobody could stand me. I was so terrible and unlikable that I would die alone. And, so, after Katie’s public humilation and abuse towards me escalated, I did attempt suicide. Turns out I was crap at it and obviously survived, but weirdly, what I was most relieved about, was that the suicide attempt made Katie turn down the volume on her abuse for awhile. She knew that if I did end up dying, she would be blamed. After all, while plenty of her lackeys had whole heartedly enjoyed joining in on the bullying, all of them would pretend to be sad and fight over who had known me best in the event of my stupid tragic teenage suicide and they’d all point the finger at her as the cause of my untimely passing. But I didn’t die, so after a short period of being like the Katie I’d first met and making sure the coast was clear, she slowly turned the volume on the abuse back up.
Why didn’t I leave this horrible farce of a friendship? I was lonely, had low self esteem and had been systematically taught that I had brought this all on myself and in no way deserved anything better. Give a sociopathic teenage girl with nothing better to do an insecure, depressed 14-15 year old victim and, after a year, she’ll have convinced said victim that any hardship in their lives caused by the sociopath was 100% their own fault. She could’ve punched me in the throat, made an excuse and I would’ve believed it was probably the right thing to do.
Katie had started seeing this popular, good looking senior who was in a band, but he wasn’t easily manipulated. He’d see me walking alone around town at night, pick me up in his car and we’d end up venting about our Katie problems. I was ecstatic that someone saw through her act. He defended me against my bullies. He was a really good guy, even though he had a reputation as an arrogant jerk.
One night, he broke it off with Katie, threw a party, specifically invited everybody except for her and he said I could sleep my drunk off there. Let me mention, by this point, I’d made out with some guys and had performed oral sex on a guy once. I’d made some headway since I started highschool, but was not a sex goddess like Katie. Katie’s newly ex-boyfriend asked me to sleep in his bed and, whaddya know, it happened. Lost my virginity to him. And, of course, brought the wrath of Katie upon myself. I had no idea it would bother her so much; she would go on and on about feeling nothing for these guys, that she had no emotional or romantic attatchment to them, that they were just for fun. She admitted that they were just toys to her, that relationships were just games and she’d drop them without a second thought when the game wasn’t fun anymore (it was a last bit of bonus fun if the guy lost his mind over the breakup). I wholeheartedly understand and respect the friend law that forbids one from pursuing, dating or sleeping with a friends ex, but I figured 1. she had admitted she didn’t feel anything for these guys and 2. she was a pretty awful friend. It couldn’t possibly create any trouble. When I got older I understood why she was so upset. She didn’t feel heartbroken or betrayed by this, it was simply that I, her toy and inferior sidekick, had played with another one of her toys. People are property to her.
She didn’t act out against me right away. She was patient when it came to me, but this choice did effect my life for years to come. Her lowly sidekick had played with one of her toys, THE ONLY TOY THAT DIDN’T WANT HER. She kind of lost it. She sweet talked her way into his next party, only to sleep with every single one of his bandmates and his best friend in one night. Sex was her favorite weapon.
I then switched schools. Not to get away from Katie specifically, but it was pretty great to start over. I discovered makeup and a dermatologist, got contact lenses, my braces off and lost a great deal of weight. Suddenly, at 16, I was getting A LOT of male attention. My ego went through the roof, sure, but I kind of felt like I deserved to feel a bit cocky after all of that other garbage. I started to enjoy solitude, therapy, making new, non-abusive friends, the new attention I was receiving from guys. I didn’t see Katie for what felt like ages as a teenager, but she showed up at my house unannounced one night and was shocked at my physical transformation. I was no longer an unfortunate looking sidekick. In her eyes, I had suddenly become competition. I desperately did not want to be competition, I just wanted to live my life. I LOATHE being in competitions with other people, it’s exhausting and stressful, but Katie had it in her head that I was some kind of threat. I had slept with the one guy she had managed to not destroy and was dumped by (really, really horrible choice on my part) and I was now (still feels so weird and conceited to say so) considered pretty. She acted as if everything was great, oh, how awesome, long time no see, but I could see the wheels turning in her head. Stupidly, I started spending time with her again.
Then I got my first, real, genu-wine boyfriend. He was really pretty, older, kind of damaged in a broken bird kind of way and nice to me. He even said he loved me. Unfortunately, we didn’t get a lot of time to explore this love and relationship because Katie made it her sole purpose and goal to destroy any happiness I may have found with this guy (I wouldn’t have. In hindsight, he was actually pretty lame) by starting to seduce him. Subtly on one hand, so if I called her out on flirting with my boyfriend she could claim it was just paranoia on my part, yet on the other hand, it was very blatant. I’d turn my back for a second, she’d flash him. I’d leave the room to go to the bathroom only to come back and find her straddling his lap, stroking his beard and giggling. We’d stop by his job to buy something and she’d tell him in a suggestive tone she’d dreamt about him that night. It was infuriating watching my own boyfriend, my first boyfriend, my first love, practically cream his pants because of this girl and do nothing to discourage her behavior. I couldn’t smack her upside the head and tell her to knock it off because she wanted exactly that reaction. She wanted to know I felt threatened by her…which I absolutely did, but I knew better than to let her see fear. She was daring me to make a thing of it so she could innocently claim she was doing nothing wrong and then I’d seem petty, jealous and nuts in the eyes of this boyfriend. It was pointless in the end. The boyfriend abruptly stopped saying I love you back. He grew distant. He’d go off to hang with ‘friends’, but acted rather sketchy about it. Me coming over unannounced before had been fine, but now it was a big no-no. I knew, inside, what was going on, but truly entertaining the idea was so heartbreaking that I tried to live in a state of denial. Boyfriend dumped me in a CVS on New Years Eve and I shamefully cried in public.
Some time went by and I would visit him at work…his new job where Katie was his co-worker…to try and win him back. Didn’t work. He’d always look slightly guilty, but I took it to mean he was uncomfortable with my advances. I cut Katie out of my life yet again because I knew on some level she had something to do with this. She was enraged…I still remember the pure, trembling rage she displayed when I told her I needed space from her in our friendship. I still don’t get why, but she was pissed. Then, on my 18th birthday, a friend casually mentioned seeing ex-boyfriend and Katie passionately making out in a parking lot. It felt like my heart had been punched through my guts. I called her and let her know that I knew, that “You got me back for sleeping with your ex AND ruined my 18th birthday. Congratulations, you’ve killed two birds with one stone, I’m sure you’re pleased with yourself”. Turns out everybody not only knew they’d started dating, but he had cheated on me with her for the last month of our relationship. That’s why I still don’t understand the rage she displayed when I told her I needed space. Perhaps she wanted me around to see how splendidly her revenge had gone.
And it was just that. Because as soon as I confronted her and ended up sobbing, she quickly said she’d end things with him. He was blindsided by this. He thought things were going swimmingly between them, but it pretty much turned out he’d only been a pawn in a fucked up game. The same day, she went and got all her things from his house, any love she’d shown him had immediately dissipated. I vividly remember her driving around with the stuff she’d picked up in her backseat for a few days and the awful feeling when I’d seen the pile of sexy underwear. Maybe it was an extra touch of “See what happens when you cross me?”. I also found out she’d been cheating on this guy with some other guy for almost the entirety of their relationship…it pretty much solidified that she’d dated my first love purely out of spite.
Yet again, we resumed our friendship. This entire time, I sincerely believed she was just an asshole. I knew assholes could change, I knew she had the potential to become a better person, an actually decent friend, and she would often put on great shows of proving how much she had indeed learned the error of her ways and would never be so goddamn awful again. I didn’t understand that she was absolutely 100% incapable of stopping her atrocious treatment of others and myself.
Because I can’t really go over all of the awful things Katie did to me and others over an 8 year span, I’ll end with this story. One night, while thoroughly drunk and sitting on a rooftop at a friends place, I was feeling really sorry for myself and was crying. She came out and sat next to me, asked what was wrong. “Nobody will ever love me. I love other people and when I think they can love me back, they actually can’t stand me. I’m so alone. I feel like I have so much love to give, but nobody wants it. Why would they? I’m mediocre in every way, why settle for somebody like me when there’s someone so much better just around the corner!” I’d wailed. Katie got serious with me for a moment. She said “Well, that’s better than what I’m stuck with”
“How?” I demanded “How is my shit better? How is it worse to have anybody you could ever want, to have the pick of the litter, and to be considered gorgeous and amazing and never be dumped and never have your heart broken?”
“You don’t know what it’s like to know that as much as you may want to love somebody, you just can’t. No matter how much they love you, you do not love them. You’re just feeling sorry for yourself, but you will eventually find somebody who’s crazy in love for you as much as you are for them, but I will never have that and I will die alone”
I remember thinking ‘Bullshit. What the hell is she even talking about? This is some Katie nonsense about how hard she is. Pure bullshit’
It wasn’t bullshit, the girl was admitting to me that she could not create and maintain normal human relationships. That she literally could not feel love for another person. She could be a rather good actress when it came to pretending to be in love, so much so that I think once or twice she fooled herself, but she was admitting her lack of emotional depth and I just brushed it off. I brushed off a lot of things she said that should have raised alarms regarding her Sociopathy. That she claimed she would masturbate to the idea of a burglar breaking in and stabbing them to death. That she didn’t feel guilt and gave an example of how she broke a kids arm when she was 8 and just laughed and laughed. That because her childhood was so shitty, she felt entitled to a better life now and seeing other people happy filled her with rage and a need to destroy that happiness.
We continued our unhealthy tango of hanging out, me hoping she’d change, only to be betrayed and lied to and hurt time and time again. I finally read up on socio/psychopaths and everything clicked into place. I suddenly realized she was an empty shell and our friendship had meant absolutely nothing to her. That she was just an emotional vampire. That the person I thought I knew for years was a complete stranger. I felt like an absolute idiot. She’d never change, she was incapable of learning from her mistakes…which were becoming more commonplace and with worse consequences.
She eventually stole $2,000 dollars and some jewelry from my mom because she’d developed a heroin addiction. While she could live with her own family and has had gone through detox and could remain clean, she now is homeless and continues to go back to using heroin intravenously. She hops trains and hitchhikes, which seems fitting because staying anywhere for any extended period of time would drive her up the walls, but I’m shocked she’s not dead from living such a high risk lifestyle (I think she absolutely loves the danger involved). Last time we spoke, she called me from an unknown number to regale me with tales of working all summer to buy thousands of dollars worth of heroin while living in a tent in the woods with a dog and her homeless, junkie boyfriend. She met him at court after she attacked an old vagrant. Apparently kicking somebody half to death with your shoes on is considered assault with a deadly weapon. I do not talk to her anymore, I’m finished. Stupidly, it took me this long.
For years I wanted revenge, I’d even admit out loud I wished she’d die and I didn’t care if people were shocked because they didn’t understand what she’d done to me and other people over the years. These days I do not want her dead because she’s already practically a walking corpse, wandering across the country, OD’ing on dope and dating awful men. Good riddance.
Sorry for the longest wall of text ever, y’all. I tried to just pick meaningful bits and pieces from 8 years with this woman. I really only covered 3-4 years. Ugh.
Wow. This is really a book-worthy story—“My Personal Encounters with a Sociopath”. Not to minimize the impacts to you of this very real story, I still couldn’t wait to read what happened next. In fact, I’d like to read the development of the entire relationship, down to her eventual outcome (if you could stand to catch up with her to “interview” her in the present). Seriously, if no other good could come from it, at least you should be able to profit from the tale, and you are a great writer.
I completely agree with jusagurl!! this needs to be a book!!!! you need to find a publisher and get this out so we can read the whole story, plus, It would probably feel really good for you to get this all off your chest and make some money out of the situation.
I dated a sociopath for 4 years. During our relationship we were friends for a whole year before dating, more like friends with benefits, then I gave him the ultimatum either we date or we just stay strictly as friends. He chose to date, we dated for a while and our relationship was going very well, we got into a heroin addiction together two years into our relationship, and during that time it was hard to quit, because every time I wanted to he would suck me back in.
We both got clean and we spoke to each other after but decided not to date in order not to cause problems with family since they thought we would be a bad influence on one another at the time. We continued to see each other, both sober, and stayed close friends, while also during that time, he treated me the same as when we were together, as we were still intimate with one another. He would randomly disappear and ignore messages, then come two weeks later with some stupid excuse.
He would also many times say he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, then later when I would leave him alone would come apologize and say hes sorry and didn’t mean it, and I mean everything to him. Just recently he started dating someone new, and when I asked him about it he denied it, saying that its not a real relationship, and she just thinks they are together but they aren’t. I kept asking him to tell me the truth but he would continue to deny it. Until one day she called me and told me to stop giving him drugs, something that never happened.
Apparently she found out he was talking to me so he told her that he only contacted me for drugs and that he doesn’t like me, and all these lies. I stopped talking to them, because I thought to myself why talk to someone that makes up lies about you. A month later he contacted me, after I was just beginning to move on. Telling me hes so sorry and he didn’t mean it, and it was stupid of him to say those things, and he loves me and I’m the only one who cares for him and so on.
We started talking again, and I told him to tell his girlfriend that we are talking, he said there is no point, because their relationship is falling apart anyways, and he doesn’t like her, that she looks ugly and dresses horrible and he doesn’t care about her, and they are on a break. I didn’t believe it as signs weren’t showing that way, she would always text and call and I told him well if you don’t want to be with her then break up with her, he would make excuses such as she has his guitar and so on.
After we started talking, he went back to using heroin about a week later, and would continue to lie about his relationship with his girlfriend, and during that time when I believed him that it was over between them, he kept trying to sleep with me, I didn’t want it in the beginning but he continued to seduce me and convince me that I’m his soul mate and he loves me and he doesn’t care for her like he cares for me. I admit I fell for it a bit, but not completely, as I told him many times I do not want to talk to him, because I have a feeling he’s lying, but he went to the point where he lied and said that he just met her and its over between them, he needed my help because he knew I was experienced in dealing with addiction and I could help him quit that’s probably why he kept me around, but there was no need to lie and sleep with me, I didn’t even ask for it.
Out of his luck, his girlfriend contacted me right after that so called meeting they had that they broke up, and she told me that she had found out that he had met me from a text I sent him and asked if I thought that he was in a relationship with her or not. I told her to be honest he said that you two broke up. She then asked me for help in helping him quit heroin, because she had just found some with him the other day, and she wants some tips on how she can help him quit. I offered her all the tips I knew, and stopped talking to him she also asked if he had cheated on her and I told her everything, because I knew he was lying.
He told her that I forced him to take drugs, and that he slept with me because I had seduced him supposedly and I was giving him drugs and if he didn’t sleep with me he wouldn’t have got the drugs, all a complete lie because I wasn’t using with him, or giving him any drugs. He made me seem like a crazy person, telling her that I never leave him alone, and that he only uses me for his own selfish needs and he never cared and never cheated, and he never called her ugly, he denied everything he said pretty much. Then blamed his drug use on the “strands i leave behind” blaming all his faults on me, everything.
When I had previously left him alone, and hes the one who contacted me and apologized and went so far to cry and pretend he loves me saying he’s never cared about anyone like me, and he hates her and doesn’t want to be with her. This drove me crazy because she kept accusing me of being a liar so I backfired and told her everything, she still called me a liar, and said even if he cheated on me it was because he wanted drugs, and he was under the influence, and she blamed everything on his drug use like he wanted it to seem. It was not because of the drugs, he’s been like this since that I’ve known him, always deceiving and manipulating to get what he wants, making other people seem like the crazy ones, and hes the innocent one.
He even use to tell people sometimes he has cancer, so they can feel bad for him. He would always lie about everything, even pointless things. I got very angry and told her that she will see for herself one day that he is a sociopath and a liar and he will never propose to her and he is just using her for his selfish needs. Anyways I got a long email from them both today calling me the crazy one and I’m bipolar, saying horrible insulting things about me all lies that he told her,and justifying all his actions on the drugs, saying they have never seen a brighter soul then with me out of his life for this past week. And to leave him alone, and all this weird stuff.
He tells her the same stuff he use to tell me, and she somehow thinks its OK that he dated me for 4 years, as he claims that he only dated me because of the “heroin” even though we didn’t get into any drug addiction until 2 years after dating. She tells me he never loved you that I’m his past and she’s his future, and its okay that he cheated on her if he did, she will forgive him, and I’m jealous and all this crazy crap.
And they have been dating for 6 months now, and after I told him last night that he will never propose to her, he popped the question. I can’t believe this, its probably just a way to get her to believe his lies more, that he is saying the truth. I hate how they can go make us look like they crazy ones when I’ve only been so nice to him. He was my first love, he manipulated me made me think he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, then just threw me away and picked me back up whenever he pleased. He can go from saying very heart warming things, to horrible cold hearted degrading things in a split second. I wasted 4 years of my life with him, lost my virginity to him, helped him with so many things, fought my parents to be with him, sacrificed so much, now hes with this girl that he just cheated on last week with me, and called her ugly and disgusting, and now hes marrying her? Wow. Just had to share…..
“He can go from saying very heart warming things to horrible cold hearted degrading things in a split second.” … “I wasted 4 years of my life with him…”
These are the two things that haunt me the most, so you’re definitely not alone. It was the very last message I got from him that proved to me once and for all he was a complete sociopath and I never really knew him at all. It was the way he put “hey there” in the subject line, only to say “Never contact me again.” For years, I kept logically thinking his sugar mommy he dumped me for would end (all his relationships all his life ended fairly quickly, except – I thought – his relationship with me), and I did not observe the no contact rule at all. I never gave up on that relationship, entirely based on money/financial security (which he knew I couldn’t give him), crashing and burning, which is what I so desperately needed to hear! But when he could tell I’d lost my feelings for him and was just checking in periodically to hear that was alone again, he finally dropped the mask and the ice showed through. Once you are no longer providing a sociopath with anything, they’re beyond done with you – they make you feel like nothing. Worst feeling in the world, even worse than losing a loved one to cancer (and I’ve experienced both)!
I wasted 6 years of my life with “my” ex, and since then nothing’s helped. That’s why I kept trying to contact him. I thought, at least if I can get that one piece of satisfaction to hear his new relationship ended and he was miserably alone, that’d help me enormously! Unfortunately, I never got it, and despite my best efforts, I haven’t made new friends or met anyone new I’ve genuinely wanted to be in a relationship with. Naturally, this means I lost everything, and he’s won.
Anyway, my point is, those are the two hardest things for me as well. I never thought I’d live to see the day when he actually didn’t even want to hear from me anymore, and I never once believed those whole six years of being entirely consumed by him would end up being a complete waste of time, energy, and emotion.
Again, reading your post especially struck a chord with me because it was more similar to my story and my feelings than some I’ve read. Thank you for sharing, and I hope it helps you to know you’re not the only one left feeling that way.
May you find whatever it is that will help you heal.
I do not believe in happily ever afters for sociopaths or psychopaths..
Sooner or later the beast will surface…( those poor partners) .Being with a socio or psychopath is like communing with the dead.. what kind of life do they have anyway? By the way , you don’t have to be romantically involved to suffer the effects.
Have you seen the episode in the next generation Starfleet of a girl trying to date Data the robot?. A pleasant character void of feelings….That is what it is like to be with a psychopath, (except you have to add chronic lying, manipulation, and every sort of abuse)
aaaah…my heart goes out to you all !!!!!!!…….wish I could give you hugs!!
Hey! I’m from the uk and we have an inspirational women here called katie piper.
Her boyfriend arranged to get acid chucked in her face as he was jelouse of her looks as she was a model and tv presenter.
Do u think her ex was a sociopath and narcissist ? I do!
If u ever feel down look her up and her story! She is so brave and she has outside scars aswell as inside!
🙂 1 month no contact now 🙂
Nightmares are slowly going and iv got my life back !
X
Hey! I’m from the uk and we have an inspirational women here called katie piper.
Her boyfriend arranged to get acid chucked in her face as he was jelouse of her looks as she was a model and tv presenter.
Do u think her ex was a sociopath and narcissist ? I do!
If u ever feel down look her up and her story! She is so brave and she has outside scars aswell as inside!
🙂 1 month no contact now 🙂
Nightmares are slowly going and iv got my life back !
X
Sorry posted twice forgot to click to see comments
Yes katie is doing amazing she is everywhere promoting her story so people know what kind of people are out there. I saw her on a program this morning she was saying she was convincing people not to have plastic surgery. She is incredible and it made me think of what all of us on this site have been through and made me post so if people don’t know of her they can see her story. She is very beautiful inside and out!
Every comment I read on here sounds like I wrote it myself about my boyfriend!
He lied about having a job. He lied about being in the military. He lied about what state he lived in. He lied about his relationship with his family. He lied about what apartment complex he lived in. He lied about having a degree. He lied about being arrested.
He constantly makes up grandiose stories to me. It’s almost as if he WANTS me to feel bad for him. He makes himself the victim in EVERY single situation. No matter what. He’s always the victim. Everyone is always out to get him. Oh, poor him. He would often say to me “you just don’t understand my hurt.”
He would make plans with me and then never show up and just leave me at a restaurant. He would say he was coming home and then never show up. He would get up in the middle of the night and just walk out of the front door for no reason. He would get really mad and punch holes through our walls in the middle of the night.
He wouldn’t remember entire situations out of our lives. He just ‘wouldn’t be able to recall that night”.
He talks in the most poetic way when he’s apologizing to me when I am on my knees crying about something he’s done. He talks as if he’s reading out of a poetry or philosophy book. But his apologies aren’t sincere. His behavior continues the moment the fight is over. He makes promises that he doesn’t keep.
He would get up and go to a fake job every morning for two months. When I showed up to his fake office, I went inside to meet him and the secretary said that no one with that name had ever worked there. When I confronted him, he claimed that he had worked there but that he quit that day because his boss ‘just didn’t like him’.
Everything was a lie. Everything. He had multiple girlfriends on the side. He would make up an entire series of events that were extremely over the top and grandiose and I would later find out that those events never occurred.
In every single argument he would make me out to be the bad person. He would make me feel guilty for ever thinking he was a liar. He told me that I was the mentally unstable one and that I treated him poorly.
He’s the victim no matter what and demands that I apologize to him to matter what the issue is.
I have been extremely supportive of him through all the bad. I have been a stable support system because I feel like he needs some kind of stability. I care about him. I really do. But will he ever be able to get and feel better? Or will it forever be this uphill, never ending, exhausting battle? I want him to be okay, not for my sake but for his. I want him to have an amazing life but with all the lies, he’s alienated himself so much that I’m pretty much the only one left. I have known dated him for the past 3 years but it feels like it’s been about 33 years.
So my question is, does he believe his lies or does he lie knowing he’s hurting me and just doesn’t care? I honestly don’t know which of those options are worse. Will it ever get better? or can it even get better?
He believes his lies. He knows he’s lying. He knows he hurts you. He enjoys hurting you. – He is a sociopath. That is what they do. In my book they are not human. They are monsters. Never the less, this is what they are. They do not change. They cannot change. — Please leave. Now. Quietly. Safely. Go. Stop all contact with him. No emails, no texts, nothing. Nada. Zilch. Con men aka sociopaths are dangerous. you are the only on left indeed, because that is how they end up… they don’t stop abusing, controlling, taking, destroying ever – until they die – so they do wind down to having one victim – or a person and a child – or just a child that they control in the end of things. He will be very angry to see you go. Don’t make any hints that you are going. Behave just the same. Don’t even think about your plan in his presence. Just make it and get safely away. Sociopaths who are not violent can be suddenly very violent when they are losing their game.
Here’s a simple bottom line way to think about it… Do you want to spend another minute feeling so badly – spending your life with someone who causes such pain you fall to your knees crying even once?
I had a 10&1/2 month marriage to a soicopath. When I found out what he was the love just ended. I was so fortunate that he had done things so atrocious and I discovered them it jolted me awake; I asked him to leave. He left 10 days later – the interim was a nightmare beyond a nightmare. – He was so frightening that “no contact” was not a problem. I never wanted to look at him or talk to him again — I had to to get an annulment and he filed a bogus restraining order – classic sociopathic behavior. So I had to see him in a court room. — I feel no contact is of number one importance. I needed to know where my con man was for reasons related to service of papers and for reporting him to immigration and Police, the District Attorney and the FBI – I had another woman he was scamming simultaneously who checked his “where abouts” on Facebook. I didn’t want to see his face or read his insanity in his posts where he was smearing me – again typical sociopathic behavior. – She sent me key posts to compile my case… He gave away a number of incriminating things in his posts out of the deep vanity and self obsession sociopaths have. He looked entirely different to me from the early days. I had thought him intelligent, charming, fun and just amazing. But now his mask was GONE – because I didn’t believe him anymore. I knew the truth… Unless we buy their truth – Sociopath’s pretty much evaporate. Their world depends on us believing them. — Before this experience I never really knew that evil existed. – I got my annulment April 2014 – I still have not dated and though I feel I would be okay dating at this time I’m giving myself 6 months to a year from the date I last had to turn in reports on him to authorities — that day was YESTERDAY! January 6, 2015. He is an international sociopath with women, wives, children, fiances, girlfriends, fake business endeavors and projects in about five different countries. I think I may be the only person who really recognized and went through the process of having his criminal behavior documented. I felt I had to do it. It’s been an incredible experience. I was really supported by family and friends in recovery; I learned all I could about antisocial-psychopaths to understand it had nothing much to do with me. He took my best human qualities to twist to his will. I refuse to give up being human, kind, compassionate and loving. All the best to all of you!
I met my ex in the summer of 2012 via an online dating site His profile was quirky and smartass, exactly my style of interaction. He told me that he had been in a relationship with the woman he was “married” to for 7 years, and they had recently ended their relationship because he found pictures of her with other men. He was still consistenly in contact with her, because of their son (not biologically, but raised from an infant).
We began texting nonstop (roughly 200 messages a day, how I had that much time, no clue), and after a week, he asked to meet me, to come to his father’s farm. I did. I should preface that this was by no means the riskiest or most impulsive thing I’ve done in my life. I have my own set of personality issues, which led to a sometimes chaotic life.
I wont lie; our night together was something out of some cheesy coming-of-age movie; we swam in a pond, kissed under the moon, the whole nine. We communicated regularly after that; I expressed interest in dating, he said he wasn’t ready yet. I accepted it, and communication fizzled.
Ironically, a few months later, I was the one that reignited contact. We began communicating again, and began seeing eachother occasionally. At that point the red flags had begun to appear; but I initially ignored them under “giving the benefit of the doubt” guise. We communicated only by text, all of our visits and overnights were at my place, I never once ever knew or saw where he lived, and he was aloof and noncommittal. He was still telling me he wasn’t ready for commitment, so I blew off the red flags. Around December ’12, I caught feelings. I tried to call things off, but he would fight me every time; he didn’t want to stop talking to me, and said that he felt things too. The “I love you”s followed. I suspected more and more that there was more to his relationship with his ‘ex’, but was stuck in feelings mode.
New years eve ’12, I went out of town with a girlfriend. It was then I got the text: He had been truthful about finding the pictures of her with another man, but the relationship never ended. We met eachother during a rift. He lived with her, and they had infact been together for 7 years. He came clean because he really felt genuine feelings for me, and didn’t want to keep lying.
I ended things right then and there. Told him to fuck off, unfriended, all of the above. Stupidly, I rebounded immediately (10 days later) into a relationship with a married man who had JUST separated from his wife (my choices in men have always been a running joke with my friends and I). as expected, it crashed and burned miserably at the 6 week mark when he went completely MIA. It was then that I got the text from my ex after 6 weeks of no contact (and on valentiens day ironlically): I thought of you today, im sorry for what I put you through. My rage was centered on the rebound, so we began chatting again. It was nice; it was extremely non threatening; non sexual, just good conversation and a person for me to vent to.
We began to see eachother as friends and had lunch a few times. He went more indepth about his relationship with his “wife”. They had an open relationship, and had had ‘playtoys’ and shared girlfriends, but always together. Outside separate relationships weren’t allowed, and he had genuine feelings for me so cut it off because it was against the rules. He then told me that he still had those feelings for me, and wanted to start seeing me romantically again. After some consideration, I agreed on the condition that there would be no lies. Everyone had to be in the know.
At first it was awesome. I had my “part-time” boyfriend who loved me, I still had my independence and freedom, and got all the good aspects of a relationship. Bills, income, rent; those weren’t my concern. I still haddn’t met the wife, but in the beginning I didn’t want to. I had never been in a relationship like that before, and wasn’t ready. But since he was spending consistent time with me (one-two overnights a week), and I had also met his son, I thought there was reason to think everything was legit.
This time though, I wanted to know more about him. Curiosity is my downfall. I have a ridiculous need to know. Everything. After some very indepth online research, I found out that he was a registered sex offender and had spent 4 years in prison. The charge was a misdemeanor and I was unable to find the actual case. I do know from expierence with friends that ending up on that list can be from anything ranging from something as simple as getting caught peeing in public up to the heavy stuff, so I didn’t jump to conclusions immediately. I began talking to a friend of mine that knew him from when he worked at a medical study facility that my ex participated in studies at. He told me that rumor had it that the ex had anywhere from 2-4 kids, and had also knocked up one of the nurses there and left her high and dry. (I learned that in the 7 years he was with his wife he had 2 legit jobs, and was for the most part a “stay at home dad”. She financially supported everything, he would make occasional income by medical studies and helping his father with scrap metal on the farm).
I confronted him with everything I learned. He admitted to 4 children by 2 ex girlfriends; all prior to going to prison. 2 were being cared for by a new ‘dad’, and the other ex kept him from seeing the other 2 kids. He had gone to prison for possession of explosives (his dumb ass made homemade napalm for a party and was arrested), and the sex offense was from giving a 13 year old a hickey that had told him she was 16 when he was 18 years old (my friends and I told the age lie a lot when we were younger). He showed me the actual cases, the stories were legit. I felt that the person I was in love with wasn’t that person anymore, and left it in his past. I should say he is by far not the worst person ive ever known in my life, so his past was actually not terrible in comparison.
Time went on, and I started to want more. At the start he gave me the impression that my relationship to him was on equal playing field as his other with his wife. That’s when the cycle started: I would threaten to end things, I would get the attention I wanted, things were perfect, repeat. Love kept me there. And I loved him. More than anything.
Fast forward to October ’13. Things haddnt gotten better, they just stayed consistent. That’s when I got the text: the wife didn’t know. He told me that she knew I was a ‘friend’, but had no knowledge of our actual relationship. He told me that he loved me too much, and didn’t want to lose me, and felt that if he came clean, we could start with a clean slate; I would meet the wife, and we could start new. But he couldn’t tell her about our past.
I was absolutely devastated. I told him under no circumstances would I consider anything if he wouldn’t come clean to her about everything. He wouldn’t, so I told him to fuck off again. I was absolutely devastated. I loved him so much I almost caved. But didn’t.
I found out through a mutual friend that about a month after this happened he found a new “toy”. Except this one met the wife. Had been in the home. Got to do all the things I never did. Over the next 7 months, he consistently would text me anywhere from every day to every 4 weeks. He begged to see me, could not let me go, loved me too much. It was agony, and I was able to keep no contact for periods, but would always cave and get into text arguments. I never saw him though.
In may he left the state for a job, and I would respond to him more. Usually to tell him to fuck off when he would tell me he loved me and it should have always been me doing those things with him. Communication didn’t hurt as much because he was out of state, was going to stay there for the job, and I wouldn’t have to worry about seeing him ever again.
Toward the end of may, he lost the job due to legal issues with a suspended license. A week after that, he found out that the wife had slept with several men without his consent or knowledge, and he ended the relationship over it. He called me, wanting my comfort, that I ‘save him’. I was still angry, but I loved him, and I could hear actual anguish in his voice, so I talked to him. He went MIA for a few days, and I figured things had gone back to normal and I wouldn’t hear from him.
I got a phone call from him at 3am a few nights later from jail. He had come home, gotten into a fight with her that escalated to a physical one, and he was arrested for battery. He called me because my number is one of the few that he’s made it a point to memorize. For whatever stupid reason (love), I bailed him out (which he did actually repay me for the next day). At no point was I ever worried that I was in danger with him. I just knew that was something I never had to worry about.
The initial plan was for him to spend a few days on my couch until he could get things figured out and go to his dad’s. He never left. When I realized what was happening, I had a very upfront conversation with him. I told him that if he was going to stay with me, it was going to be just us. No one else. I also told him that I knew he had spent almost a decade in a relationship where he was permeitted to do what he wanted with whom he wanted. I also told him that I understood him as a sociopath (the punchline: im a psychology graduate student, and because of my personal issues understood the disconnect), and if he felt like that was something he wanted or needed, that I understood, but he would have to leave. He told me that he loved me, and wanted to have a real chance again, saying that he knew what it felt like to be cheated on (in his double standard definition of cheating), and he wouldn’t do that to me.
Things were amazing at first. He did things that he haddnt in his previous relationship: got a job, a bank account, health insurance. It seemed as if he wanted to really try. About 2 months in, I found out that he had cheated on me with the ‘toy’ he had replaced me with, whom he led me to believe that she was just simply someone he communicated infrequently on a friend level. I went ballistic, gave him a black eye, and told him that if he wanted to fix things, I would give him that chance. He had spent a decade in a dysfunctional mess, and I know behaviors can be tough to change, so I told him that this was his one fuck up. He agreed to cut contact with her, and made the attempt to fix things.
After a while, I knew that something was going on. Behaviors, clues, I knew he was still seeing her. The problem was I had no proof. The problem with dating a sociopath is they are professional liars. He can talk his way out of anything, and without having any kind of physical proof and only my (correct) suspicions, he could talk his way out of it.
The week of thanksgiving I got that proof. I had gone out with a friend who has known him for years, and she came clean to me: he was infact seeing the toy behind my back, and at first she had helped with the lie because of her loyalty to a friend, but because fed up with it, his behavior, and his treatment of me. She gave me her phone to take home with me, which contained text between the two of them over the last 8 months that confirmed every suspicion I had.
I went home, waited, and when he got home, I confronted him. I showed him her phone, and I could see for a moment in his face, he realized what I had. I went into a rage and attacked him. I took his house key and made him leave that night with most of his things. He came back the next day to pick up more things and to talk. He admitted to everything, denied nothing. Told me that he loved me more than anything, he could not be without me. I told him that if he was serious about it, that he would immediately cut her out of his life. No contact. He said he couldn’t, he didn’t love her like he did me, but cared for her deeply and considered her a close friend. I told him to leave.
As I expected, he had nowhere to go (he had been very good at burning bridges and screwing over people over the years), and ended up at the toy’s home, where he still is currently. He says he still wants a life with me, wants to be with me, but because he cant come home, financially he has no option but to stay there due to not making a big income and couldn’t afford his own place. I told him (probably 500 times by now) that if he was serious about it, he would make it happen some how. I knew he would continue to play victim and wouldn’t.
We have met a few times so he could pick up more of his things. And unfortunately a few of those times ended up with us sleeping together. The most recent being new years eve. He picked up that last of his stuff 2 days ago, and I told him that now that he has everything, I didn’t want to speak to or see him. As long as he was living with her, and living his life the was he was (non monogamous, sleeping around, etc), I wanted nothing to do with him and had no reason to speak to him.
I believe that he is a disempathetic sociopath. I do believe that the bond he has with me, while isn’t love the way most of us view it, is real, and to him is love. There are a small amount of people (maybe 5) that he genuinely cares (in his capacity) about. Outside of that, no one. One of the reasons I believe this is that he has never once physically hurt me, yelled at me, spoken to me negatively, called me names, anything of the sort. I have never feared him, and have only ever gotten adoration and praise from him.
He has a Madonna/whore complex as well, and I believe im his Madonna. There was a conversation once when we were discussing his past relationship and the need for the sexual compulsion with other people. He said that it was because hes always had deviant sexual compulsions (rough play, bondage, dominant/submissive), but he couldn’t do that to her. He had his perfect wife at home and did the bad shit to the whores he slept with. He said something similar to me once when I brought up the fact that he would never have any kind of roughness with me (hair pulling, etc). he couldn’t do those things to me because those are demeaning things to him, things you do to whores. Had he not been seeing her behind my back, im positive that at some point there would be one night stands to get those things out of his system that he cant to do with me.
He told me once that I was perfect to him, and that I belonged to him. Because he views me that way, and loves me, he feels a “protective possessiveness” over me. He wants to take care of and protect me (the lying was to ‘protect me’ and protect the home he had with me), and sees me as his. No one else is entitled to me. I know that he will always have this view, and always see me as his.
Its only been 2 days of no contact, and I know for a fact that he is in no way going to stop trying to communicate with me any time soon, but I feel this time I am stronger than before, and having gone through it once aready with him. I want to believe that I’ll never cave and never talk to him again, but for right now im trying to be realistic and hope to hold my ground longer and stronger this time.
Emotional predator very seductive, affectionate, loving, and attentive and sincere! at first!!!! He is EVIL!!!! he has no sympathy and no regards for your feelings. I thought we were perfect for each other but he used me and played with my emotions. His true self/identity is hurtful, arrogant, selfish, and CRUEL!!! I’m glad, grateful, thankful he found another supply/woman/source. He can never love no one but himself! I regret meeting him! The only thing I want in 2015 is to recover from his disrespect and humiliation and move emotionally stronger than ever from this horrible past!
niria quiroz i feel exactly the same…. I’m going to share my story here in hopes to help myself and others. we met online i was dating another and i was just playing a game on the page and he messaged me.. omg he was so darn cute i thought. i became single and we chatted about a month before he agreed to meet me i had told him I’m not going to text and talk forever because i felt he was procrastinating . we met at the mall… i tell tou it was love at first sight… sparks flew everywhere… we had what i call a perfect date.. than i asks where did you park oh he said i didn’t tell you my license suspended.. hmm noooo you didn’t. first red flag… he was also moving but never invited me to old place second red flag.. he was my age but looked at least 10 years older i google his info only to find he was telling truth.. that wasn’t suppose to be day that i found out about his mile long heroin arrests and that he was on drug court and lived in half way house until he moved to where he finally let me go and he kept calling our place… everything was….sweety, if you want blue we get blue. whatever made =me happy he wanted it was a complete mirror but i didn’t know…the way he loved me i thighs omg nobody ever loved me like this the is REAL LOVE… that stare omg that stare… would pierce right through me.. id look away thought it was so intense how much he loved me.. he’d ask is it creepy? id say no but soo friggin intense..towards end before discard. id be able to look into his gorgeous eyes (they were gorgeous)and he say oh you’re comfortable now i can tell you’re not looking away.. almost like he was now done with me… all my wants needs desire were his… he did have money and a lot of it so that never was an issue…. as matter fact offered it to me and spent a lot of it on me… he’d say i don’t want you to have any desires you’re my everything and everything is you. oh and the intimacy was off the charts… he was incredible and told me i was the best he ever had and it took him forever to find me… id think he was joking when he’d say we should streamline live porn get paid for what we love to do… he’d talk about he choke hold which i know nothing about… he’d text me and say you don’t mind my hidden cameras that i had last night… than say id never do that. he’d say no need for you to work stay here and we will wire your kids money, they’re teens they will be fine.. now i know he was NOT JOKING! he also told me from day one about his ex who died of some bone disease this ex was charged along with him in most of his arrests. I never believed in my gut she was dead another red flag and now pretty sure she’s alive…he was here from california he said due to work but who knows really why he’s here.. he had no ‘real friends” just friends form the meetings..i never met anyone i felt bad for him thinking omg he’s alone… he told me about month in that he goes to meetings for AA hasn’t had a drink since he was 21 (originally told me don’t drink made him sick) he had to go to meetings because it was mandated by the courts or he’d go to prison. ( i found this out because at fist when he discarded me i wanted answers so i investigated further ) our relationship flowed like a river it was perfect he was my dream man my soulmate. my every desire come true… he was charming sexy and promised me the world..hed say you wanna get married… than we will whatever you want i want if you’re not happy than i won’t be happy…he.bought a plane ticket with my name on it $1000 we were suppose to go is it his family for easter. thank goodness he only met my older daughter…. because he pushed to meet all three my kids and that they would love him.. he’d say everyone loves me you’ll see….( my older daughter met him twice and said mom somethings not right and he defeintly has drug history and she noticed track marks) at same time when he already started to text different calls were less …. i confronted him over texts and calls my discoveries… he’d say i told you not to do that… not to go on internet its a bad thing to do..( he had told me internets have lots of lies and we shouldn’t use it to investigate other) i had no idea thats why he was telling me not to go look..he denied everything, not once admitting he was a heroin addict on drug court or that prior to his new place he was in halfway house… i never even got to ask because he denied ever being arrested said someone stole his license the drugs were his gf son he’s in jail i should look him up, he’s doing ten years, gives me his name,,,,.he told me youre opening a lot of old wounds you’re putting salt on the wounds… he made me feel like this was my fault… meanwhile he already had his new victim….. i knew it i felt it whole time but he wouldn’t let me go completely he’d say its not over i need space to sort things out you brought up old shit ( last arrest was january 2014, a little over year , thats old???) he’d add i love you and you mean the world to me . i had no closure. i hostly thought he relapsed and felt so bad that he wasn’t reaching out asking for help… i texted and called few times because i was so worried that if something happened he’s alone and i needed to let him know i was there… oooo he probably was loving every bit of it…i hung on than again looking for answers i went on Facebook. we are not friends there my choice… i again looked at his page all was same… something made me look at the likes on his picture once again and this time i notice he was in someones profile picture and i clicked on it there it was right in front of my eyes his new victim… at first it was relief some sought of closure and she wasn’t prettier like that matters??? than few days later he adds in relationship with… said person using a date that he was also with me…. that confirmed all i ever suspected. . i blocked him on Facebook yesterday I’m slowing blocking him everywhere… but its a start… its only been 5 weeks since discard…. my heart still aches, i hate to say but i miss him and do not like admitting that at all… but now i know. i was dealing with a sociopath…and the whole mirror stage was me so i fell in love with myself… I’m kickass!!! thanks for listening.. this page has helped me sooo darn much…. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
ps. im also in process of finding a therapist… anything not to give him another thought…
I can’t imagine why anyone would contemplate doing this…he’s left me feeling bereft.I just miss his presence so much.foolishly I went to see him yesterday and it was like the sun was shining again..ridiculous I know.It’s like he’s an addiction for me,and I’m struggling to go cold turkey.I know he’s been dreadful to me I can see all he’s done but gosh I miss him…..
I know exactly how you feel. The sociopath I was with told me horribly cruel things yet I still love him. They are like parasites who stay stuck to your skin. I pray every night to get over this.
are you spiritual at Angela? As there is a way, but it isn’t for everyone. It is to ask Archangel Michael to cut the chords that bind you. Visualise a sword, cutting every single connection between you and him. Visualise it, and cut it free. This has always worked for me. Although I appreciate that it isn’t for everyone.
i feel completely the same.. i wanna stop thinking of him….
positivagirl….addiction is a great word… he’s like a drug i craved even though he discarded me like old panties… not use no value…
😦 😦 but I hope you know your worth. He Has no power and is nothing. Nobody which is why he has to play victim and steal the persona of other people.
Some of you will remember a few of my posts from last May. I had left, and was in so much pain after moving an hour away to another city where I have no family or friends, but moved to help my adult son because of the double standards in the house with my “ex” and his son.
I had no contact with my SOC, until slowly it started happening, and his started charming me with the “plans”…his son getting his help, my son getting mine, and that we could make it work on weekends. I wanted to believe him because I love him.
A few months after moving away, my son ended up being on his own, and the SOC son got his direction, moved back to moms and hasn’t stayed at dads since. Almost a convenient “plan” that was hatched to get me to start over all again.
During that time, the stress took it’s toll, and I ended up losing my job. Add to that the weekend travels back to SOC’s house (the man who proposed to me and married me in 2013 but that sad part is he never finalized his divorce and we could only have a commitment ceremony).
So…time for lease to be up soon, and me to make a move back. I thought things were going so well, that perhaps he had gotten on medication although I can’t find any in the house but vitamins. I mentioned us starting over fresh, in a new home in BOTH our names (so he can’t threaten to pack my bags and so I have equal say in what goes on in my house). He said he wasn’t ready. I calmly stated if he wasn’t ready, it was time to move on as he’s wasting my time (we’ve been together 4 years). Then he used my cats as an excuse, expecting me to part with my two geriatric cats who have been with me since kittens. Unfair? Unfair is the fact that he had 5 cats once living with another woman, and my 2 are darlings who are clean, cuddly, and old.
It’s one excuse after another, which tells me he’s only been stringing me along to get what benefits him, typical of a sociopath.
Now…I have no job, live in a strange city with no friends, and my lease is up in 2 months and I’m trying to figure out where to go and what to do. I’ve always been self sufficient, and independent so I’m “OK” financially, but my head and my heart are so messed up right now,
I told him we would discuss it for the final time this weekend, and then it will be time for me to move on. I told him I would be over Friday. HE says, come down Thursday and we’ll go to the movies. HELLO! He’s toying with my emotions and obviously not taking me seriously when I say this is it…after 4 years we move forward together FINALLY or it’s over…and he wants to go to the movies?!?!?!?!?!
I still feel like I’m losing my mind however this past weekend I packed up the rest of what I still had at his house, and deleted him from all forms of communication.
I know in his mind, he thinks “I” am having a snit, and he still has a picture of us on his fb profile page. I will not go back, ever. This I can finally say for good. He is still “legally” married to someone else (after he was supposed to get a divorce so we could marry). They enable each other. He supports her financially in all aspects of life and she lives down the street. His kids are absolutely rude to me (because I left before), and now, looking back I recall how they talked about the ex before me. Things are becoming more clear.
I have become a shell of who I used to be, and I can’t fully blame him because I allowed myself to believe this sham of a life he had me thinking we would have together. But I am done. I finally see the pattern, and I finally see him for the cold, heartless, self serving narcissistic sociopath that he really is.
I pity the poor soul who gets caught in his web in the future, but I’m thankful I only put 4 years of my life into it. I’ll be stronger in the end. I’m already stronger for stopping the insanity.
Thank you so much to all who have offered me support, and I offer the same to you. Together, male, or female, we will become stronger individuals over time.
Hey LA Confidential, please do NOT blame yourself. You say that you allowed this to happen. No you didn’t. Did he tell you he was a liar and a con man when you met him? Did you get emotionally involved because he had told you this? Did you get what you signed up to?
No.
Therefore this isn’t your fault. Even if you stayed after you knew, you didn’t walk into it knowing.
You gave 4 years of your life. That is a long time. Think of things you could build if you put that much energy in, in 4 years, that is four years of your own life wasted, by his pathetic game playing.
I really get about becoming a shell of who you are. I am there right now too. I go from that, to confusion. But that is what they do to you.
I just wanted you to know, that sadness, I have the same. I am going to get up, rise up and and keep building….
Without him in your life, you can build and you can grow. I think the truth is painful so we avoid it. Its easier to avoid it… than accept it.
But you are on the way in the RIGHT direction, rather than going around in circles. Now you can move forward.
@LA Confidential, English is not my first lsnguage, so I will try to explain me, hoping you can understand it…there’s a time that we need to do things that we were postponing (just waiting to something to happen or just waiting to someone to make it happens), now you have the chance to make a decision. You really know what’s the best decision for your life and as I and you know, returning to your sociopath it’s not the decision. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, it will never be enough for him. So please don’t fool yourself and let another 4 years go to the waste….maybe it’s time that you, amd only you take a decision.
You are absolutely right! I’ve been doing allot more reading and meditation and the BEST thing for me to do is to plan to make my move back to the city where my family and friends (and support systems) are, and be done with it. I see things very differently now (always wondered about the collection of his exes as friends) but now I see he’s doing exactly the same thing to me, and I will not play this game with him. I am keeping my emotions out, and my new game-plan is to get my ducks ready and take off for good without him being able to contact me anymore. But it hurts like hell and I feel I’ve been made the biggest fool.
You are soooooo right to leave! He is a full blown sociopath (is there any other kind?). The thing that matters is that you get away! You are so fortunate you never married him; that would not have given you more safety or control, but would have given him more legal access to all your money and everything or anything you own.- It would have made you more committed emotionally – which would have meant far more harm.
He is doing the only thing he is capable of doing. He has no care, concern, love, kindness, empathy for any one or anything. Any concern is an act. Sociopaths mimic our emotions of caring. They don’t feel any.
Run, girl, run.
LA Confidential, yes it hurts…a lot…but sometimes the best proof of love that we can give to ourselves is to say NO.
This website is just so true, I read bits here and there and its like OMG that is so true, that happened too, and that and that… whats worse is I actually believed this was normal behaviour and thought it was me. I believed this is what a relationship was like, its hard to get out of that mindset but reading this site it is making me questions so much…
To cut a long story as short as I can I was in a relationship with V for 9 years. Its odd three years ago he lost his job, he lied and pretend he was going to work etc. and then got a chest infection and was poorly so didn’t go to work, and had hospital appointments etc… this was all a lie, I found a letter with his P60, of course I confronted him but he’s a guy with pride. He convinced me that the reason he didn’t tell me was he was embarrassed etc. We hard a hard few months and as he was a contractor when he was off sick he didn’t get paid so I had already supported us for 4 months before I found out. When you love someone you are there to help and support which I did for a few more months, paying for everything, lending him money etc to go to interviews, keep his car running etc. We broke up for a bit, I said some things and he struggled to get over it, but I tried to get back together. He still wanted to be friends and I was still lending him money and then I gave him a choice, we either try or I have to completely walk away… so he said he’d try again.
It felt perfect a fresh start, he got a job we did relate and within 4 months it was better than ever. He initially started to pay me back some of the money and then excuses came in with care problems etc but we were together and it was our problem so I carried on paying the debts on cards I had put on to get us through his job loss (he couldn’t get credit as apparently ‘LIE?’ his wife put debts in his name so it was all on mine and I had all the cards). He worked away and I had a house so he would rent a room and come back at the weekend, like many people did who worked from home, he changed jobs and started working in 18months ago in London, rented a room in a shared house for cheap and came back weekends.
Fast forward 3 years from when he lost his job, he started to become stressed and said he was suffering from depression as he was worried about his job again, contract coming to an end and everything. I was there (he had suffered from depression before when he lost his job and went on tablets but not for long as they made him into a zombie).
Then it began, he stopped coming home at weekend, said he was depressed and didn’t think it was fair on me coming home and being in a bad mood. 2 months earlier we got a puppy and kitten ( a big thing for me as it was a commitment with him). I was there for him, when he wanted to talk, when he wanted space etc. Then he hurt his back and couldn’t drive so didn’t come home, then he had to work one weekend. Said he had so much on and was so stressed, by this time his contract had ended but they had offered him a permanent job. I went to see him in London for the day, I couldn’t stay as he didn’t feel comfortable with other people in the house and with the puppy it made it hard, all feasible.
Then little things would happen, i would ring and he would never answer and said he had taken painkillers for his back and it knocked him out, or he felt depressed and went to sleep. He was the victim he played the victim and I did everything I could to be there for him, as you would with someone you have been for 9 years. Then he said he had to move out the flat as they were selling, more stress so I helped him look for a flat, somewhere were we could be together as I also worked in London. The money became and issue, he didn’t have any, so I asked a member of my family and said he would pay back each month, London flat not a small amount, so he got lent the money and surprisingly got the flat (despite rubbish credit)
Then it seemed he had been chatting to a girl, initially he said form work, in this day and age the internet not difficult to find out.. she wasn’t from work. A few weekends were cancelled after he got the flat, was stressed and thought going out with lads would help him feel better worried about where his life was going etc, again i was there. One weekend I saw some post the dog had chewed, bank statements to expensive restaurants and gifts at Tiffanys, I was broken.. so I confronted him and I was made to feel bad that I have even assumed anything… i found out more after that, flowers at Valentines day, meals out, weekend with each other when he was supposedly depressed in his flat. I confronted him and he said it made him feel better, maybe I also put words into his mouth as I stlll believed he was going through a hard time.. made him feel better about himself, spending money was like he was okay etc. However not the weekend after he has borrowed money from my family for a flat and said how worried he was paying the bills about £440 in the weekend after the borrowed money was out in his back.
Then i got a text after another week of him needing space, which was hard knowing what I knew, and he ended it said he was a nasty person and didn’t know where his life was going etc and it wasn’t fair on me etc … played the victim but he didn’t see me.
It took him three weeks for me to convince him to see me, said he’d feel guilty about seeing me and me being upset etc, after 9 years. Things started to fall then, an anniversary concert gift he took this other girl etc
He wouldn’t come and get any of his stuff and it all got to much for me I was doing everything to help and then bang I found out he had gone on holiday with her, less than a month after he ended it and explained how he lost his mojo couldn’t be in a relationship.
I have since found out he had been seeing her no less than 6 months before the end, lying where he was, told his work colleagues we were friends, that I was his ex. His flatmates the same… hence why I never stayed, he’d been on dates before Christmas and meeting this new girl, going skiing when he was in bed with a bad back… but he played the victim, he borrowed money from my family for a fancy flat whilst seeing someone else, and not a penny has been returned.
We have heard nothing, no contact at all, I sent emails to him and her and but nothing, I’m sure its all lies. We went to court and got a CCJ for money owed and I am still trying to get that back, borrowed in March 2014. He abandoned the flat, used my address for a variety of things and has now moved in with her and probably done the same as me… said I wracked up debt in his name and have caused a CCJ against him.
God knows what lies he has built about me, it is like he went away to get the paper and gone, disowned everything and left to start a new life he had already built. My family and friends who have been nothing but support to him for 9 years just dropped. Now I have debt collectors at the door for things he has ignored…
This site helps but it never stops you thinking is any of it true, was any of it true and what lies are happening about me now. I have gone through a year of hell, tablets 6 weeks off work and only starting with baby steps to rebuild but I have not had closure, one thing I have always said, please sort stuff out so I can move on, but no not even that. I also said if your not happy leave but he never did that. Whilst he had a great year and living the high life it will take years for me to recover and now it looks like its happened before too you just feel stupid.
Hi Northern Star, I am in the UK too, (southwest), thank you for your comment. Your comment really touched me. It really spoke out to me too. What you are describing, sounds very similar to what I experienced too.
How hurtful it is at the end, after everything that you went through, after everything that you did for him, he treated you in this way. It makes you feel used, it makes you question your own mind, what was true, what wasn’t. its hurtful. You will never get closure from him. He couldn’t be honest in the relationship he wont be honest after it has ended. Because he is a compulsive pathological liar 😦
I will say that this is absolutely no reflection on you. If he is a taker and a user, he will be doing the same to her. Only it will be worse. As he has learned so much from you. It says more about him than you. No, there was nothing that you did to cause this, no you didn’t deserve this, and there was nothing that you could have done to prevent it either. They are just very good at their game. To them, life is a game, and other people are simply players in the game. She is also a player in his game.
After a while, their lies get old, their patterns start to become more obvious, its easier for him to move onto someone else – apart from that they like the challenge. I am really sorry that you are hurting – it does hurt, a lot.
Im so sorry you are going through it too and your words mean a lot. Its hard not to except there will be no closure or no truth its like a dream.
I found out yesterday she is pregnant, although Im not sure how far gone. Along with his persistent views of not agreeing with affairs or messing about he also said he never ever wanted kids; he’s 44 now. so less than 6 months she is pregnant. Feel I’m waiting to find out that she is over 6 months and in fact she was pregnant when we were together. All these things run through your head, did he lie about not wanting kids or wanting kids with me, what is wrong with me? I know maybe I should go to the point of thinking its unplanned and not what he wanted and karma but all i can thing is he realised how bad i was with him and now is a changed man, it is so hard. He has a daughter and always said he never wanted her until he had her.
Is this why he did a bunk? because he needs to save? its so hard its the one thing we didn’t do, not that id change now.
Hi Northernstar,
I read your last comment and hit the box to send you a reply, and the comment vanished. I have just done a search and unable to locate it!!! Aragh, am so sorry. I do recall what you have said. First of all you are NOT stupid. I know that i felt stupid, I felt betrayed, stupid and duped. How could this happen? ….
I also spoke to the ex and the ex ex, while it is shocking when you hear, because right now, you are in your own healing and recovery, it WILL help the reality to sink in. Or at least I found it did. I found that while I was still in the fog of confusion, I didn’t believe a word of it. I didn’t believe anything. I WANTED to believe that he was a good man. I know it must be incredibly painful, to think that he actually PLANNED a pregnancy with another woman, so soon after he left you. One thing that I had to come to terms with, is that the sociopath, once they are NOT with you, in their mind that is it, its over, and so they move on to another source for supply.
Remember that they like two things.
WINNING
BEING IN CONTROL
So, he meets someone else, how better to own and control her, than for her to be pregnant? If he didn’t have a child with you, but he did his previous parther….. I can almost imagine his words now to his new partner (this would be the story he would tell)
My ex wife took my child away from me, I couldn’t have her. I tried and tried, but I couldn’t have her. (in this context he might blame you for this, or the ex wife), then to add to this, he might say, ‘and the last one she wouldn’t give me a child’…. in the mix of this he will make out how he is or should be father of the year. But was denied the opportunity, and how… just how he would be the perfect person, if only he had a child…. of course you don’t know her story or background. She could have lost a child, or perhaps she had always wanted one. Remember that they mirror you, and sell back YOUR dreams to you. So I would imagine that this would be the case. He weaves a magic of lies with partial truth, to make it sound believable, and fabrics himself – as the perfect person, for whoever is in front of him at the time.
Now you are learning from speaking to his ex wife – that it sounds like everything was a lie. It probably was. And to his new partner – the same again, everything will be a lie. Of course you cant tell her this, the reason why? Is because he has already sold her her dreams right back to her. To her, he is the missing part that she has been looking for. But of course, she has a distorted mirror in front of her, one of illusion and deception.
I know that your head is spinning right now, I know that you are in the fog of confusion and hurting badly. I just wanted to tell you that how you are feeling is NORMAL. Absolutely normal. He has moved on to weave his web of deception, and sadly, one day in the future, she will likely be you today.
The best news is that, you can work on healing and recovery, and focusing on you, to rebuild your life for you. At least you won’t let you down. Hopefully one day you will meet someone who is right for you. Know that you WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN – You really will, I promise you!!
NorthernStar4, this part of your story especially resonated with me:
“…but I have not had closure, one thing I have always said, please sort stuff out so I can move on, but no not even that. I also said if your not happy leave but he never did that. Whilst he had a great year and living the high life it will take years for me to recover…”
I never got closure either and it drove me crazy. I tried reaching out periodically for years (didn’t know about the “no contact” rule or even that he was a sociopath then), and for a while he feigned being tolerant, almost ‘nice.’ But in the end, when he felt 100% secure with the new woman, he coldly told me “never contact me again.” I don’t call that closure, I call that being a cut-off bastard with no common decency who clearly didn’t feel for me what he pretended to. I was used for six years of my life, and it’s been another six years since – still no recovery. But this site helps and I’m trying, one day at a time… But closure, I’m afraid none of us will ever get – these sociopaths just don’t care enough to bother anymore, they’ve moved on as if we never existed.
;-(
@Blackcat36 – i know what you mean, hard not to reach out, maybe because we believe the best in people, treat others like you think your being treated and all that. Bless you its so hard isn’t it, and when people say to you just move on best off out it doesn’t make sense as you know its so hard. Im so sorry you are still struggling to, i guess these type of people can’t take responsibility in ruining people. Id like to believe in karma but who knows its always the decent people that get hurt
NorthernStar4 – Thank you so very much for your empathy! I loved him SO MUCH, I just still cannot believe he decided to cut me off forever. That wasn’t even a remote possibility when I met him since he said he’d never commit to anyone else. Him saying “I wish you the best in finding happiness” is such bullsh** to me!
He doesn’t want contact because it’s like holding up a mirror and showing him exactly what he’s done to a person. Nobody – not even a sociopath – likes to actually see themselves up close and personal. And you’re right: it’s usually the decent caring sensitive vulnerable people that get hurt.
In response to your story about hearing she is pregnant, OMG, that’s just like me! He always said (esp. since he already knocked up a college student now ex-wife and had a teenage daughter) that he NEVER wanted me to get pregnant! He believed in ZPG, zero population growth, so if I were ever to find that out with his new young live-in partner, I’d freak! I’m SO sorry for you, that must be hell to find that out.
Wow! It totally sucks that I can feel fortunate for having a miscarriage but hearing your stories confirm that God was looking out for me and the twins….I can not imagine the horror of having to deal with the father for the rest of my life. I have a clean break and that is the best for me and the kids.
@Carmen, I’m sure that you know what will happen next. The cycle never ends unless you finish it.
In my case no matter what I do, no matter what I said, for him it wasn’t never enough. For him it’s a never ending game where he is the only one who knows the rules- that never applies to him- the only one who knows it is a game. Be true to yourself, is that your story too? From my experience, it will go worse, not better. Please, don’t lose more time on something that doesn’t give you happiness. You deserve better!
Karma will come back around!
It’s been 2 months with NC and Im back in a good well payed job (which my ex wouldn’t let me apply for as I had a lot of friends work at the company) they gave me a brand new 20k car 🙂
From him taking everything I’m now back on track feeling happy buying nice things for myself. Moving into a new home, Talking and trusting men again! Making new friends. While he is probley still jobless living with another woman telling her fake stories to scrounge off and feeling no real emotions sad! Real sad 🙂
Be positive stay strong
Just broke up with him (the beginning of December)..luckily i only stayed in that relationship for four months! He first approached me saying that he is about to break up with his girlfriend (out of 11 years ) and asked me to go out with him but although i was really attracted to him at first place (amazingly handsome, 34 years old, lawyer etc.) i said no because i didnt want to get into trouble..a week or so later he approached me and told me that they broke up so we went out on a date (even though i knew that he was probably liying about the break up thing) ..so we started dating but i told him that because i didnt trust him , our relationship would only move to the “physical level” only until she moves out of the house..but until then we could date and get to know each other..From our first date he would speak to me like no other guy has ever spoken to me! He was so amazed of how beautiful i am and that by the first time he saw me he felt something different..he even told me that he was in love with me and he was picturing us having children..we were going out only for 10 days and he met my sister and brother in law but it didnt go well..he wasnt very friendly ( i was shocked actually cause until then i was sure that he would be with them just like he was with me..but it was the first sign of his aggressive behavior..my brother in law told me that he was lying to me, that he had another relationship and that he was furious because he couldnt get to sleep with me..so he had taken ti personally, like a challenge..on the other hand, he hated my sister and brother in law..he told me that he was a jerk and in a kind way he told me that my sister had a shit heart..and all this mostly because we are religious and he is an atheist and he claimed that they didnt want him because of that..he even cried in front of m,e telling me all these beautiful words like: “i cant believe that the girl of my dreams will reject me cause i am an atheist..i am dreaming of us in our bed with our kid sunday morning and you are telling me that you will have to go to church and miss all these beautiful moments?”)…so by that night i was upset with my family that they were so close minded and because of them i would lose the perfect guy that came to my life..so i stopped taking their advice about my relationship..actually, i stopped telling them anything about it..and of course, with his behavior he made it clear to me that he wouldnt like to see them again..the days were passing, and one day he asked me to go for the weekend at his cottage and i denied it! We had a big fight there but i told him that i wouldnt move from what i had first said..so he got so upset and told me that he would need to go alone to his cottage for that weekend so that he would think whether he wanted to jump straight into a relationship again (after 11 years of not being single) …that weekend we talked more than 12 hours on the phone!! It felt like it was teenage romance..but when he came back, while he was kissing me and loving me he told me..well my ex called me and asked me to give her another chance!! (Now, i know why he said this..i now dont believe he ever broke up with her or event intented to…and because he wanted to get physical with me but i had set these boundaries, by saying this to me he thought that i would react like any other woman that in order not to lose him, i would do ANYTHING to keep him..and this was sex!) But i reacted the opposite way! i laid back and had a fight..went that night home and was ready to tell him next day that i would break up with him, i would give him1 month in order to decide what he wants..but he first called me at midnight and came to my house to tell me that he chose to follow his heart and that today he told her that they couldnt have another chance cause he is in love with another woman..i was sooo happy!!! i was feeling the luckiest girl on earth!!! i couldnt believe that he chose me instead of her! He was so in love..he even started making plans for vacations..where should we go this summer?etc..everything was great BUT i still told him that i needed her first to move out of the house..and he told me that this time that he was clearer to her about their breakup she would find quickly a house to move out..Two days later we were at that cafeteria, being in love, kissing, telling me that i deserved Him, i deserved his love, that i was such a special person..and then SHE came!! She stood above us, shacking her head..she told me : i wish that someone will do the same thing you do to me..and then she told him: Is that the way you throw 11 years of our relationship to the garbage? Why do you fool her???..and she left..he was shocked!! He asked me to leave the cafeteria and that we would talk on the phone the same night..but he only contacted me 2 days later cause he said he needed time on his own cause he was so shocked..he had never seen his ex acting that crazy..of course these two days i was in pain, i was wondering what was he doing..i knew that something was wrong there..but i was in love and i wanted eveyrthing he had said to me to be real!! He was a jackpot!! anyways, i believed him cause i thought she only came because he had told her about my existance the previous night and she wanted to see that other woman..when i asked him why did she say:why do you fool her?? he told me she said it cause she wanted to ruin what we had..our love!..he also told me that she asked him three favors..one of them was that i wouldnt go into his house until she had fully gone!!. (which promise he did break cause i went to his house a week b4 our final breakup).so i was feeling sorry and i said..ok..i can understand..so we keep dating without the physical until she finally moves out…few days later though, his sister gave birth..so he took me to the hospital and i met his sister, his mother, his brother in law and other family..his mother was so kind..she told me that she knew that her son would make the right decision..so, i believed that he was actually telling me the truth and so accepted his offer to go to his cottage!!!..we were so in love! Everything was perfect! we would spend hours and hours together, everyday on the phone!!..few weeks later though he told me something unexpected..that his ex (until this time she was satying at friends houses) would come and stay 2-3 times a week at his house!!!..and guess what! I had to take it all in, cause he was sincere..so he wasnt lying!! I knew that this was not normal, but i kept telling myself that time will show..he cant keep lying forever.. until that morning that he got frustrated with me cause he came to my shop and instead of saying Hi to him from the time he entered i kept talking to my client and after i finished with the client i went to kiss and hug him..Οh! he also got upset cause i first gave an ashtray to my client and then to him!! He left the shop really furious! He made me feel like a whore! That it was my fault..(it was saturday morning)..he wasnt answering to my phone calls or txts..sunday came and i was started thinking about his reaction that it was illogical!..and said to myself, that if he is disapeared for the whole sunday and contacts me again on Monday for that stupid reason..he would propably need and excuse so that he would be away from me the whole weekend..i texted him again, never got an answer until i decided to go by his house..i texted him that i was going to his house so that we solve the problem..and suddenly he answered me back..he told me not to go and that he wouldnt open the door and i told him..why??Is she there? And he said yes! (but remember??he had told me that she was going..i hadnt caught him lying to me!)..and i told him that it would b a great opportunity for her to tell me that all of what he was telling was real!..he said..r u crazy? She hates you! she thinks u r responsible 4 our break up..she will kill you..anyways…we talked, we had a huge fight..i was asking him to delete her from facebook so that he proves me he is saying the truth (my account was deactivated all this time) and he kept telling me..i maybe not be in love with here but i have already broken her heart for leaving her..is that so important for you to make her feel even worse??..i was swearing at him, he was swearing at me and i decided to facebook this woman and tell her everything..with details so that he wouldnt be able to lie to her again about me and make everything ok again..so i told her details like ex. where were you last wednesday? Cause u werent at your house..i was with him having sex..and if you dont believe me the house is like that, with these furniture etc..I didnt tell him i did that and meanwhile he convinced me again that he was real, and that the person i fell in love for was real and not fake!! and that in a month he would prove to all that he is not lying!!…i decided not to tell him anything about what i had done so that i would make sure what was goiing on..and the time came a few days later that she read the message..he called me and started swearing at me..you whore, you piss of shit, you have a shit soul you broke that womans heart!!! etc..it kept going..he kept calling me calling me names, making me feel the worst person on earth for breaking her heart, that i dont deserve his love and he was so wrong about me!! He was threating me..he came 3-4 times by my shop to call me names and threaten me..the last day i saw him, he first called me to tell me that we was telling me lies all this time and that he would never love me..he could never love me! He only loved her and compared to her i am nothing!..half an hour later he came by the shop to tell me that he was telling me the truth all this time, that he HAD broken up with her and that she would move out a few days later but I screwed everything up!!..I told him to leave!!!!and that if he ever thratens me again i had a friend in the police who knows his name, address etc.so he left..and an hour later he came back..for the first time he was sobber..he told me that he didnt mean what he was saying cause he was angry and thats why,..and come on..admit it! It was wrong what you did..and he had the nerve to ask him to make him a cup of tea to talk..i was so shocked at that time by this confusing behavior..i asked him to leave and never come back…after the breakup 3 days b4 chirstams he texted me “by accident”..i got a text that was supposed to go to his friend..i knew that he was a coward and he did on purpose but i didnt break my non-contact!!.. (a month later) i decided to activate my fb account again so that i can see what would he do..and handt deleted me all this time that i was deactivated but once i activated it , in two hours, he had deleted me! But he still had her as a friend..so i blocked him!..my parents told me that he knew that this would upset me and he did it on purpose so that he would break my non-contact way!!..3 days ago i texted him and told him: i was right for everything! and he texted back: excuse me? who is this??..i told him:you know!!…and he didnt answer me back…at that time i decided to unblock him so that i can see how much he searches for me and thinks about me..and yes! He was..he blocked me back!! He noticed that i unblocked him?? How???..so i texted him again telling him that he is funny and worths nothing..and he kept texting back that he doesnt know who this is..he didnt call me (cause it was sunday night and was propably with her),,but Monday morning(next day) he called me from his office ..i didnt answer..he called me again..i didnt answer..i knew that he knew it was me! and i knew that he was calling to pretend to see who was it and to start conversation with me..but i wanted to avoid having a conversation with him..so he texted me back swearing to that “unknown” person who had texted him and asking who this is and that i should answer the phone..so i texted him back saying:oh im sorry..it must have been wrong number..im so sorry (if he wants to play games, i can play games also!!)…and he answered back..tell me who are you so that i can help you..and i said it was a mistake..these texts were going to a mean person with no values at all! I am sure that you are a kind person though! I dont need you help sir, my problem is solved!..and he finally said :i know that its you!! ansrwe the phone to talk..you know that you are sick and you need help??? but i bever answered it!!
Next day he emailed me telling me that he did the mistake to serach on my profile from a friends account and he saw all these articles i posted about narcisist & sociopaths and at first he thought to let me believe that he is the bad guy and i am the good girl he did wrong BUT he told me..dont forget! I am the one who had a great relationship with a great woman for 11 years(!!) and you are the one complaining that men want you only for sex..do you wonder why?? Maybe because you dont worth anything more? You dont need to look on the internet to understand my character..let me tell you who i am..i want trustworthy people, with a good character and good value and not shit people with no ethics!! you could never be my girl (you dont deserve it) not even to come and clean my house you dont deserve!and..come on!! Do you think you are a “trophy” ???Give us a break!!!
And i am asking you!! Do you think i did wrong?? Do you think i was a bad person sending that message to that woman??(cause he insists that he did break up with her and I broke her heart and i am heartless)..is he a sociopath??? I still miss him and if i knew that he was lying to me it would be easier for me to move on..but now i have all these second thoughts:what could have happened if i hadents send this to her? Would she move out of the house? Would we still be together? Maybe he is not sociopath and he was real and it was me i failed him?and he hates me cause i have bad manners?
Hi Vanessa, No this is NOT your fault. I know that you are asking yourself all of these questions. No you are not the bad person here, your sister and brother in law saw straight through him. They saw through his facade, and being able to read people, he KNEW that they had seen through this facade. They hate that, when people see straight through them. Dont listen to his words. About how he had a great relationship for 11 years – yes, so why split up then? And then to deflect that onto you, as a sense of your self worth. That is rubbish. You ARE worth more than this. You have people in your life who love you, for you. He couldn’t handle that. I can tell you this, as he works in law – there are PLENTY of Narcissists and Psychopaths in the legal profession!! Please don’t beat yourself up, whatever you would have done likely the outcome would have been the same. He is an asshole and you deserve so much better.
Ah, the justification stage. I think you have to stick with what’s true. He was stand-offish and rude to your family. A good, decent, worthy man (who was burdened by the truth) would’ve been trying to impress them, not push them away.
He was completely unsupportive and invalidated your feelings at every opportunity. Why? Because he could always return to the wife he really doesn’t appreciate much either. He is a selfish, self-interested child.
Was it bad form for you to tell his 11-year partner? The question I ask myself here (since I would’ve done the same thing) is, were you going to get at the truth any other way? I think you already knew he was a hopeless liar and this was confirmation. That he was skilled enough to twist even that big of a confrontational trainwreck is only further proof of his manipulative personality.
Honorable people don’t do all this. You got pushed. You behaved crazy later because you stayed too long. Mind you, I’m not blaming you; we all have done it. They are crazy and make us crazy. He is toxic. Normalcy simply isn’t a by-product of prolonged toxicity exposure.
Would you still be together if you hadn’t taken your opportunity to expose him? May be. And that’s not a good thing, because it would mean you would only be in the dark for longer.
All this time i was hoping that this girl (after my message) would have left him and at least i ruined his cozyness…but i found out through fb that this friday they r going to the same music concert which means either they never ever broke up or they broke up for a while and he got her back again!! Why is he so obsessive into having her in his life?? Why didnt he try so hard to convice me that he cant live without me (cause i think this is what he has said to her)? Do you believe that he is happy? Happy with her? When he spends time with her? Is he going to try to do this with me…coming back to my life?? Or she is the one that he is abusing all the time??…i feel sad for both of them..when i was with him he had told me that now that he is with me he understands that all these years he was just compromising with her..because he was afraid of staying alone! Do you think that if i kept believing his lies, that he indeed was planning to break up with her and i would take her place but first he wanted to make sure that i was a “safe” choice like she was??? Otherwise, i cant understand the part he met me to his sister and mother and his mother told me that she knew that her son would make the right choice!!! Did they know about his lies?? Was all his family lying to me??? This is just too much to understand!!
Vanesssa…..sounds like he could be a sociopath. there see a few things he said/did that I have read from others who have been in a relationship with Sociopath.
The good old “I have been in a relationship for blah blah years” is something kind of similar to what my Sociopath said. my sociopath told me not to ruin my next relationship and to listen to his advice cause he was married now while I wasn’t (he got married while I was in a relationship with him. I didn’t officially know there was another women and I was around before her). I found it offensive at first then I thought “well, I wasn’t in a relationship or married cause I was dedicated to our relationship and wasn’t cheating.” they say this kind of stuff to make us feel worthless and that it confirms what they say to us.
Stay no contact. I have been no contact for a while now. It was a huge struggle at first but I am a lot stronger and a lot better because of it. Nothing was your fault and they make us crazy but we can fix our craziness (with time), they never can.
I think 11 years is a long time to be with someone. To her, it signifies history, commitment, and somewhere in there, love, she hopes. To him, as you point out, it signifies safety, a place to always land.
We don’t know what he says to her to “fix” the situation, but in 11 years, you can bet he knows the formula! Why didn’t he pursue you harder? He isn’t sure you’re safe. You’re volatile, maybe even smarter than him. What a threat to a controller.
Would he have dropped her if you had fallen into line? I don’t know. Mine told me on more than one occasion that there would be no “long-term-wife/live-in” (I still don’t know if they are legal or common law) if I would “step up, and stay”. That’s how he put it. To me, it meant, if I would fall into line and do as told, overlook his secrecy and five thousand other things I wasn’t prepared to live with.
But, to be authentic, we have to admit, while it’s tempting to want to set ourselves up as the Gold Standard and the other woman as the fool, who really knows the mind of the sociopath? Even they don’t. And he could be prepared to say anything to get you to do what he wants in the moment.
I do think they are risk analysis evaluators, but they also seem to glom to the path of least resistance. I just don’t think they have standards. I don’t think that necessarily makes the other woman lesser, we all want to feel loved, special, and that we’re “the winner”, but that she will stay throughout what he/they obviously know is a lot to ask of anyone must tell them something that gives them comfort or reason to continue.
I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s not worth the mindshare for us to try to figure it out further, in my opinion. I think we can determine what we want, and don’t want, and be satisfied that he/they are not it. If she wants to “win” in this way, that’s up to her. As you are now aware, it’s really only losing.
” if I would fall into line and do as told, overlook his secrecy and five thousand other things I wasn’t prepared to live with.” hahahaha..thats soo true!!! And they make you feel like you are jealous..he even emailed me after a big fight we had telling me that i was supposed to blindly trust him and that he shouldnt need to assure me everytime he tells me in the future that he leaves for 3 days trip for a court that he is saying the truth…and that i shouldnt go around asking people whether he is lying or not! That he was disapointed with me because he broke up with a woman to end up with a girl who has many insecurities because she thinks that all men are assholes and that he should be obligated everytime i questioned him to prove me that he is not an asshole?? he said excpect you to blindly trust me!! So because i am tired of all this, let this one month pass, for her to move out so that i shut all peoples mouths that i am true and i will invite you for coffee to my house..so that i wont have to prove to anyone again that i am true!!…
So before this one passed i had already sent this woman a message and all these happened..he got upset with me and now we are not together because i am a bad person…but why didnt he want me still to prove me that he was right??where is he???to invite me for coffee??Instead he is with her!!
.i had told him in the very beginning (when i thought i had found my decent man of my dreams) how i was thinking less of men that wanted to have a wife and a mistress and that i would never accept to be in any position of these two and he stopped me talking,i remember, he said..shhhhh i know what you mean, but this is not happening with us…so happy at that moment that i had found him, so sad now that the man i thought that excisted doesnt exist but still miss him for what i thought he was, i still need him to prove me that he was indeed all of these things he was telling he was!! Never ever before in my life after a breakup with a guy have i felt all these confusion, sadness, loneliness i even feel less of myself because i find myself envying this woman because he desperetaly wants her into his life..she is his number one!! i envy her and and at the same time i feel ashamed of myself becoming a woman like that, a woman like all the others all this time i was thinking:they r victims..they have low self-esteem..ive become a woman envying a victim!!!???
Thank you again for your precious time!! I believe that my first step to recover is to stop talking about him to others and once the tongue stops, then the mind will follow..right?
Hello. I have read your site and it seems really silly for me. It seems like you blame your relationship problems on same made-up self-diagnosed mental disorders in your boyfriends. In fact the common factor in those relationships was YOU and it really seems like you are the one with the problem. Your site is full of false information, CAPS LOCK and paranoia. It is just harmful.
Hi
I have a week ago left my sociopath boyfriend of 8 yrs. We met and i moved in 6 months later. Oh He was charming. But i had cought him in so many lies. And he would tell me i was making things up.I was never able to say how i felt about anything and when i did he would turn it around to make it seem, that it was my fault. i tried not to show my feelings.He didnt like any of my friends and would make negative things about them.I would secretly call them and let them know i was still here.He continually would say I said something when i knew i hadnt and after 8yrs i began to believe maybe i am saying things and just dont remember.i stayed and after his 3 rd heart attack while he was in hospital i needed to check some thing on computer where he had not logged out of a conversation he was having with a woman which was pretty ronchy.I left it on the screen and when he returned from hospital i asked him about what was on the screen. He said”I dont know what your talking about” So i showed him. He was using a different name on line. From the conversation he was planning on meeting her,if for not having his heart attack while talking to this woman Again he was the victim because his excuse for going on line was i didnt pay enough attention to him. After that incident he was caught for the second time. again his excuse was”i was just trying to make friends.
There was no way to get throught to this man that this behavior was wrong. It was my fault.
Things stayed quiet for a few weeks when he told me i should move as this stress.was not good for his heart. My daughter helped me find an apartment. He was in a rage as he thought i wouldnt survive on my own.He didnt think i would do it.
As i start to pack he grabs my belongings including furniture and throws them into the garage with out giving me a chance to put things in boxes..As i pack i am trying to see through my tears as he stops and say”WHAT DID YOU SAY”. I replied nothing. He would repeat this several times to intimidate me which at that time i was terrified.I did not dare saya word. all i knew was I had to get out of there.
My son and daughter were only allowed into the garage to move my things out.
I felt so humiliated after all the time and energy and my retirement money i had invested into his house which was suppose to be ours. but in his mind it would never be ours.
I went throught 6 months of constant harrasement from him even though i was gone. I missed taking some of my personal things there when i left which i thought i had but there was a reason he hid them. He used those items as bait. He would leave me text messages saying i could have those items but i wouldnt be allowed on his property or he would call police. Then a few days later he would say “you can have them but you need someone he knows in order to pick up items. Finally i said forget it.Keep it all.
A week later a registered letter is brought to me while I am at work
and it is his lawyer instructing me to pick up my things at his house or he will be charging me for storage fees.
Still dont have my things.
A few days later he text me to say he is typing up a letter to put on the wind shield of all vehicles of my co-workers to tell them what kind of person i am. He would block me in my parking lot so i could not leave.
My daughter and son feared for my life. One night he e-mailed my daughter to tell her i was not answering my door so she should go check on me as he told her i may have commited suicide.My daughter knew different. she had the landlord let her in and i had gone to meet a friend of mine for a drink. He made sure my entire family was involved and not one person called to see if i was okas the only information they were getting was from him and of couse he was the charmer and i was the crazy one and also a drunk as he told them.
My son and my daughter were my saving grace and my angels
He took his dating profile down right after our first date. On our second date, he said he wanted to be exclusive. And on our third date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Within a month, I had asked him to move in with me. We were talking about eloping to Hawaii and he said he wanted to have 3 or 4 kids with me. He was the perfect man, the perfect partner, and the perfect lover. We shared all the same values and goals… we even shared the same hobbies. We never argued about anything. Sometimes things he said didn’t make sense or timelines didn’t add up… but I never pushed it. I trusted him. It also seemed strange that he didn’t have any friends, that he didn’t seem to have a relationship with any of his siblings, and that he would never pick up the phone when his ex-wife (mother of his 2 children) called. He also completely ignored his mother who was pleading to talk to him. He wouldn’t tell me why he was avoiding his mom; he would only say that his parents judged him. If I kept asking questions, he would start crying. On Christmas night (after spending the day with my family) I asked him to text his mother, and wish her a Merry Christmas. He refused. I told him that if he could shut other people out of his life, I was afraid one day he would do the same to me. The next morning, he drove me to work, kissed me goodbye, and said he’d be home when I got back. But when I got home, he and all of his things were gone. He didn’t leave a note, and from that day to this, I haven’t heard a word from him. He even blocked my phone number. From start to finish, the relationship lasted 2 months. But I was heartbroken because I thought I had found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Then a few days ago, I had an hour-long conversation with his wife. Yep, turns out he’s not divorced, like he claimed. She told me that she left him because he cheated on her repeatedly, hit her repeatedly, lied about everything, and said hurtful things (like calling her fat and lazy throughout their marriage). She said he refuses to give her a divorce, and is still trying to talk her into coming back to him. Meanwhile, because of their shared phone plan, she can see that he’s already moved on to somebody new in the month since he left me. She said she doubts he has the ability to love. I’m so grateful to her for helping me find closure!! I guess I’m lucky that he left… but I’m heart sick that the man I loved not only didn’t love me… but didn’t even exist. Thank you for this website. It has been invaluable in helping me navigate the heart-ache.
Like every other person on this site I thought I had finally found my “soul-mate,” as that is what he called me. We met online and had amazing conversations on the phone and it seemed as if we completely matched, our goals, hopes, sex drive, desire for committment and family. I decided to go up and meet him at a music festival and we spent three days attached at the hip. He told me he was falling in love with me and I was so amazed that I had met a man with such a big and open heart. I love freely and easily so I naturally returned all the love I thought he was giving. He wanted to know about my past, specifically the different traumas I had been through. He would ask me to tell him in detail about the horrific things that have occured (I have PTDS) and even though they would send me into panic attacks he kept telling me he was trying to help me. He would repeat that I was giving power to these events and if he understood what had happened he would be able to care for me better. He once asked me to tell him about being raped while we were having sex and when I got uncomfortable and tried to stop held my hips and told me to face it so I could let it go. (When I confronted him about this he told me it never happened and it was all in my head – he used to say this a lot. He would say things and then when I would call them out would tell me I had been so abused I was creating more abuse in my own head to try and push him away because I was scared of being loved). He promised me that he was in this “forever,” that he wanted to marry me (we got a marrriage certificate), that he would never ever leave me and wanted to help me get better. However, he would often make incredibly cruel jokes about different things that had happened in my past and then tell me to laugh. He would say being able to laugh at these things removes their power – which I understand – but I would ask him to stop and each time he would promise he would because he understood how jokes that insult women could be hurtful. As I’m posting here it is clear that they continued. He would tell me that he didn’t think many men would ever want me, or understand me and I was lucky to have found him. He had me change my number to ensure no men from my past could contact me, went through my phone and computer and would often ask details about where I was and who I was with. He accused me of cheating frequently, which was bizarre as I was with or in contact with him all the time but I tried to assuage his fears because I knew he had a difficult past and understood how it can be hard to trust people. I won’t go into the things he said specifically as I don’t think that kind of negativity needs repeating what I will say is that I flipped out. I became self destructive, depressed and thought very seriously about if life was worth living as I allowed the things he said about me to take hold. In that way I gave over my power and he was right that I used his words to hurt me, because if I had better self-respect I would have realized they were lies and brushed them off. I’m not going to try and paint myself as perfect – I have spent the last few days writing almost constantly to him about all the things that happened, my feelings, apologizing for ways I reacted and saying I believe in his ability to grow. I need help in No Contact as I believe the best in people and do not want to let go of my belief that if he could just accept responsibility for his actions that he could grow and be the man I met in the beginning as it was beautiful. I have annoyed my very incredible friends and if it had not been for them I would have moved upstate with him, gotten pregnant and been trapped with him forever but I don’t want to keep bringing this kind of sadness near them. I would really love someone to talk to as I need help to stop talking to him (at him really – he only responds to tell me I’m crazy, a bitch, etc…) If there is anyone out there who has gone thorugh this and can give me some advice/support I would really appreciate it. I love people intensely and it hurts to have to walk away from someone you love and believe in — I’m sure everyone on here understands this– I want to get up again and smile, I know I can… I need to let go – why is it sooo damn hard?
hello,
i am 18 years old, and i have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and today his therapist told him he thinks hes a sociopath as well as a psychopath. my boyfriend is a recovering drug addict (cocaine, LSD, heroine, marijuana) and i definitely see some key signs of him being a sociopath as i read more and more articles. however there are some major things he definitely doesnt do/display, so im not sure what to do. he is not necessarily manipulative, but he also suffers from depression and bipolar disorder (he had a really rough childhood, i know…..) so most of our issues seem to stem from his bipolar disorder when he gets angry. he definitely lies and hides stuff from me, but doesnt try to deny anything if i figure it out. i know you all will say that its not genuine, but i truly do feel as though he has true emotions and is not a 100% sociopath. he doesn’t try to keep me in his life because he knows i deserve better than him, and he definitely has cried in front of me and breaks down when he realizes what he has done. ive thought about getting out before, but my maternal instincts keep me around because i care about him so much. he has genuinely improved so much in the last year, but im scared if we continue to stay together it will only lead to heartbreak in the future. also, he doesnt show any of the signs of “needing more than one woman in his life”, he barely talks to anyone and only ever hangs out with guy friends or me. can someone give me some advice? his therapist is going to start working on this with him, and he has said he wants to change…
First of all, away from the sociopath/psychopath your boyfriend that you are dating, really has a LOT of problems. How old is he?
You say ‘most of our issues stem from his bipolar when he gets angry? …. hang on, you are making excuses for his behaviour. You don’t know that it is his bipolar as this man has what they call dual diagnosis. This means that he has a number of complex issues.
I can tell you that this will NOT get better. It isn’t your job to fix him!! This isn’t your job. These are HARD drugs that he is recovering from. Especially heroin. Sociopaths are good at turning on the tears. Did you know they CAN actually cry REAL tears, and FAKE it? Yes they can!! They are highly manipulative and deceptive.
I beg you, please do what you can to get out of this relationship. Change, wow, change with someone like this, even with intense support, would take a LONG LONG time, and then there would likely be little change, the issues are so complex. he has so much going on. He is telling you the truth, when he is telling you that you deserve better. YOU DO. He knows he would probably ruin your life before it has began.
Really you need to get out of this relationship, and focus on you and your life. I know he says that he would be ok if you left, but believe me it is then, when he realises that you have that you will see the rage again, and the threats, and the control. Making you live in fear to leave him. DO you really want this? Do you want a future baby sitting someone? Do you want a future being controlled and eventually living in fear. Do you want him to OWN YOU. Because they do own and possess you. NO they are not all unfaithful. The one I was with with was with me, and only me. No other women. that means nothing. i am telling you these things, not as a victim, but as a person who had worked with drug and alcohol clients all of my life. It is rare for them to stay clean from drugs, and the girlfriend….. will often take up the drugs to be with him, after that comes prostitution, believe me, it is the most horrible life. I am talking from experience of working with a lot of people. Sometimes you have to take care of you, to save you. Believe me Jordyn get out now while you can. Before your life is ruined.
I’m very confused and need help please. I’ve been dating a guy for 9 months and he seems to fit all the characteristics, except for one thing. He’s very impulsive, controlling, when I’m distraught I feel my distress is invisible and he’s only concerned about being right and defending, justifying, and rationalizing so he “wins”. When I ask for space, he will blow up my phone, email, show up at my house. He’s lied and will deny it even when confronted. He’s jealous and always wanting to know who’s calling, etc. He’s told me he’s felt disconnected from people and unable to feel compassion for their problems though he claims that’s different with people he really cares about). The confusing part is that he cared for his deceased wife for over 20 years. She has Crohn’s disease and was very ill and from what he’s told me about constantly being by her side during her constant stays in the hospital and caring for her at home, it’s hard to think he’s incapable of empathy. He’s also very emotional, cries easily, and has expressed a lot of guilt over not being able to do something to save her in the end. He was adopted as a baby and told me as a baby he would bang his head against his crib to get to sleep. He tried to find his parents the day he turned 18 and was deeply affected by this too when they told him the records were sealed and they didn’t want to be found. I believe these feelings of abandonment caused much anger and his fear of losing people causes him to be very controlling. I pointed this out and he said it was made sense to him (he actually said it floored him). I’d appreciate any feedback from those here dealing with sociopaths-thank you and may God bless you all.
Hi Dana, his wife who had chrones (I understand a bit about the condition as my daughter has chrones) would make her dependent on him. In this sense, it could work for them, as she is constantly the victim, he the carer. She wasn’t going to run off with anyone else. I know what you are saying about background and childhood having a part to play with sociopaths. I agree. I have witnessed this also. The same was true for the one that I was with. HOWEVER, this site was written, prior to my return (most of it) – i did return with my eyes wide open – the thing is, that I had to leave eventually. Why? Because I couldn’t be me with him. I could only be a victim or a survivor with him. Unless you want to be a victim with no life of your own (as this is the reality) – for the rest of your life, you can’t really be with him. it makes you incompatible. The longer that you are together, the smaller you feel, and the more losses you encounter. You cannot be free, you cannot just be. You are theirs and only theirs. It makes no difference what you do, what you know, even what they understand about themselves, the outcome will always be the same. They cannot change.
Here is my really long detailed story:
I met this guy about a year ago, let’s call him Matt. My family vaguely knows his family from way back. When we moved, we saw each other 1-2 times a week at our church or going out with mutual friends like bowling, sports events, parks, etc. Im 18 & he’s 20 years older than me. I know: its a bad start. But he acted/looked young & I’ve been told I’m mature for my age. Matt was friendly, funny, very easy to talk to. He had a sort of an ‘edge’ and we would tease each other & banter a lot. He was eccentric so people got annoyed or overwhelmed by him. But I like odd people & I thought he was intriguing. He was fairy handsome (tall, thin, strong jaw line, intense blue eyes, glasses) but it wasn’t instant physical attraction. At first we talked, called & texted normally. I could tell he liked how I didn’t turn him away & that I was talkative & nice to him. No one else really took personal interest in him. We became good friends. But one day he saw me when I was dressed up & I saw him staring. It wasn’t the annoying, admiring staring that I received from guys at work–it was really intense & edgy. Later on he told me it was the first time he really ‘noticed me’ as more than a friend. He thought it was unique that ‘although I was pretty, I wasn’t superficial & wasn’t egotistic’. We kept talking more & more for a few months. He asked a lot of getting-to-know-you questions, gradually more personal. It escalated but somehow the way he said things didn’t sound strange or creepy until I looked back on it. Matt told me more about his past too: he was married & divorced really young after his wife cheated on him (causing him to ‘lose it’.) He dated a couple other girls for only a date or two; he said a lot of them were mental & he can’t even remember most of them. He wanted to settle down & was engaged a few years ago but it was ‘a mistake’ & didn’t work out. Matt’s pretty wild: he drives recklessly, goes to hundreds of sports games concerts & wrestling matches, does strange dares, & plays poker. In his family: both his parents have died & one of his two brothers is officially crazy. My parents told me the rest of his family is also a little ‘off’. Somehow this didn’t bother me but it should have. I thought craziness was an exciting puzzle. He was surprised that I wasn’t scared off by him, I put up with his strangeness & I didn’t judge him. He ‘doesn’t trust anyone’ ‘doesn’t do feelings’ or ‘open up’ because he’s been ‘burned a lot in the past’ but he trusts me & opens up to me. He’s usually a ‘grumpy & sarcastic person’ (thinks ‘people are idiots’, snaps at customers & coworkers) but he’s ‘been happier than he has been in years’ with me. He doesn’t have many close friends & is mostly alone, but he considers me his best friend. But we also agreed that even though it ‘wasn’t supposed to /shouldn’t happen’ we are definitely at the point where we are more than friends. Although that thought was a little scary, I felt that we had a bond. We made each other happy & built each other up & confided in each other. We could talk for hours & never run out of things to say. There was so much being said from both of us but especially him that I started to make a log of it just to keep myself sane (something I later realized is a symptom of being manipulated…) Matt also paid very close attention to me. Someone told me if we were talking to different people in a room full of friends he would always be checking where I was. When I would talking to him, he could tell how I was feeling even by the smallest facial expression change or by the sound of my voice…it was definitely flattering but a little shocking. Matt was also very fun spontaneous & quite the entertainer. He broke social norms. When out with getting pizza with friends he would show card tricks. When driving me around he would suddenly decide to drive up & see a view of the city lights. But he told me that he has ADD & he has to take pills from a shrink. This didn’t faze me- I knew people with ADD & it wasn’t that big of deal. (But I learned later that ADD coincides with psychopathy…) He soon visited me on my breaks at work. One time he met a creepy annoying coworker of mine who followed me around. Matt got really mad & protective so he called my work pretending to be a customer who worked in human resources & basically threatened my work saying the guy should be fired. I was actually glad he did that because the guy had been getting on my nerves. After that I was never on the same schedule with the guy & he was fired a couple weeks later. I felt protected; he always made sure I was ok & never wanted to hurt me in even the smallest ways. Although I thought he was great, I didn’t tell anyone about our relationship–even my friends or family. Somehow I had the feeling they wouldn’t approve of him or ‘couldn’t see him the way I do’ so I became secretive. One time Matt said he ‘talked to my dad’ but I didn’t know my dad told Matt to stay away from me. Matt lied & said ‘nothing is going on between us.’ We tried to stop the relationship after that, saying it just won’t work, & we didn’t talk for a couple days. In that time we were both depressed & had withdrawal symptoms so we started up again but more intensely. A few people who knew Matt noticed & told him: this is a bad idea, her dad is going to kill you, you should back off. They even tried to get him to talk to other girls but he ignored them all. Both of us brushed off any advice. I was at the point where I didn’t care what anyone thought. I was withdrawing from everyone else except him. I didn’t like hearing that this wouldn’t work because I didn’t want to let him go. I was desperate. He felt the same way & said he was big on ‘fighting for something if you want it bad enough.’ Matt told me stories about his aunt who let go of a great relationship just because her family didn’t approve & he didn’t want that to happen with us. He told me he was falling in love with me. He told his coworkers (in a joking way but he said he was serious) that he wanted to marry me! I was a little alarmed–I’m only 18! Although he only joked about running away with me, I realized he would’ve done it if I went along with him. I began to sneak around & lie about where I was going so I could be with him. I visited his work too. We were now hugging/kissing in a way we hadn’t before (I didn’t want to go further than that). But I told myself that I trust him so I would relax & he sensed it. He would pick me up & spin me around for fun. I was mesmerized by him. When I would talk to him, his blue eyes would watch me very intensely-it was flattering but now that I looked back it was a little predatory. However one day my dad found out what had been going on & angrily called Matt, calling him a creep & a liar & to stay away. (My dad is big on honesty. He’s protective & can be intimidating if he needs to be.) Then dad took my phone & told me not to contact Matt. (Somehow I felt a small sense of relief…) But I insisted Matt’s not as bad as he seems! So then dad said: Did you know he went to jail for beating up his ex wife? (I remembered Matt saying he ‘went crazy’ after she cheated.) I was so shocked but it made sense. I had known inside he was psycho but I didn’t want to see it or I just didn’t care. As a result, this created a temporary rift in my family. I had never been secretive at all & they lost trust in me. They were scared to think what could’ve happened to me. Any of my friends or family who would find out were shocked & confused & took my side. I felt so overwhelmed & blamed myself for letting it happen the wrong way. I was depressed because I lost him & he would end up all alone again. I *still* really wanted to talk to him & see how he was but everyone made sure I didn’t do that. They said he is selfish, dangerous (they warned me he could ‘snap’) & that he is ‘below me’. I knew he was–but I still really liked him & I felt like he needed me. I should’ve been scared of him but since I never personally experienced his bad side, I wasn’t scared! After a week of no contact, when I hadn’t nearly recovered, he called my work phone saying ‘we need to talk’. I was surprised he called so soon. I said ‘I’m not being secretive any more’ & he agreed. He said he’s not mad & was just concerned if I was ok–we had both been very depressed. We agreed we will always be friends but we need space especially, Matt said, so my parents could ‘calm down’. He said he won’t forget me, call if I need anything, maybe we can see each other again in a month or so. He said that despite what others assume: nothing he said to me was a lie (which may have been true but he definitely omitted things that he should’ve told me). And he said thanks for being me & for putting up with him. That was the last I heard of him & I was glad things ended in that way. Its been 2 weeks of no-contact. It’s for the best but it’s hard because I *still* like him despite everything. But then I found these articles on psychopaths/sociopaths & it describes him well! I knew he could be psychotic but the accuracy of some of this is amazing. He’s still my friend, we had good memories, I know he’s not completely evil or heartless so I’m not going to hate him. But I definitely need to be careful. I’m glad things didn’t go very far but I need to learn to trust my gut when I get a bad feeling. I realized I’m a vulnerable person (young, nice, trusting, empathetic, gives benefit of doubt, low ego) so I could easily become a victim. Also my weakness is: I like edginess in a man even if it’s a psycho edge. And I even like being obsessed over. But now I’m starting to see the real-life harm & consequences that can occur even in the beginning stages of dating someone who may be a psychopath/ sociopath.
We were together 9 years with 3 children, he was emotionally abusive (thats what i THOUGHT it was back then) through finding God i gained the strength to leave. Fast forward 3 years to right now in the present. Im a mix between sad, angry, hurt, accepting as i realise hes a sociopath. 3 months ago we decided to give it another go, he was FULL ON charming, everything i ever wanted needed etc but as part of counselling (i asked church for) he came on the 3rd visit and i saw FIRST hand manipulating the counsellor, exaggerating stories bringing her to believe lies, his tears that turn on like a tap on and off ive seen many times to telling stories with a thread of truth so it implied something totally different. During our interview with her he mistakenly let slip (through a story he told her) that he pretty much tells me one thing to make me feel good about myself when behind my back he thinks nasty things of me in that situation. I was so hurt!!! and it opened the door in my mind to if he lies about this, what else could he lie about…
Fast forward a day and i started looking up how to know when you are being manipulated and so on till i found sociopaths I was seriously FREAKED OUT!!! I couldnt believe this has been what was happening to me for years!!! And EVERYTHING made sense. EVERYTHING stated in the many checklists. As i read one, i could recall a specific instance he did the exact thing, situations i didnt think were important or had relevance but in someway never sat right with me. I literally was FREAKED OUT!!
Right now im trying to progress through the stages as quickly as possible, today when i took his clothes to his place i was telling him bits and pieces about what i now realised about him. (i learnt today that i shouldnt have but) It was confusing him cause i said it like its funny- he kept holding his hands to his head saying im diong his head in then he turns and says “well youll have to find someone who will take the package” I said “whats the package” and he goes “you know you and three kids” while intensely studying my response (knowing that was one of my insecurities after we broke up 3 years ago) then during our conversation he twisted what the counselor said about me trying to make me doubt an attribute i admire about myself he goes “i wish we hadnt gone to the counselor” and i said happily “im not, shes awesome and everything makes sense now” then he goes “while you were gone she said you look too much into things” and i said “not even she said many times that she loves the way i think” “I love the way i think”!! Then as i told him the different instances i noticed something off but ignored while we were together that now all makes sense he was holding his head in confusion again then said looking at me intensely “your messed up in the head ay, theres something wrong with you” and i just laughed giving him a pat on the shoulder… (i hope im putting him off me and i think im happy that it seems to be yayy)
Im so greatful for all the knowledge ive gained from sites like this, your so right ive been scouring online daily like article after article and today felt liberating in alot of ways. Its still fresh tho and i feel likei need to refresh so i dont forget what i learn or what he does but im greatful for the previous counselling sessions i had that gave me skills to know myself and be proud of it. But again without sites like this EVERYTHING i suffered i would NEVER have known about!!!! I slowly ignored the many things that didnt make sense and always gave him the benefit of the doubt because he had a im un educated and dont know much act he played when it suited him.
A good thing thats come from this is when i was with him today i recognised when he would say something that i know is or was one of my weaknesses/insecurities, it was quite interesting seeing how he just swings it out then the freaky part is how he watches me INTENSELY after he does it, thats the scary part but luckily i was able to laugh at it today (maybe thats a coping mechanism) im getting off track but yea im able to hear through his snide digs what my insecurities are so i can realise them more fully and work on them.
THANKYOU SOOO MUCH!!!
Hi, it takes a lot of courage for me to come out in the open. But my last night’s behaviour shook me. I for the first time in my life used swear words and told my boyfriend that he is manipulative. I also apologised for it and i deeply regret it. I am not an abusive person, and I never want to be that. I am a female. A journalist. I recently quit my job as I wasn’t able to handle both my relationship and the very challenging job. I met my now fiancé on one of my projects abroad and we have been together for 1.5 years. And are in a long distance relationship. Before I met him I had a lot if friends. However, he soon started having problems with all my friends. I cannot even have a conversation with my female flatmate without him being online and listening in. He always thinks that I am a cheat and a slut and how everybody warned him against me. I really love him, and when he is sweet he is really the best guy on this earth. But he keeps digging stuff that happened in the past and blames me for cheating. Once a office colleague dropped me home because I couldn’t find a public transport. My fiancé called me during that drive and I told him that I love him and everything on the phone in front of the colleague still he blames me for what he calls ‘driving with men’. Last night I realised that my fiancé goes out every alternate night with his friends and colleagues, and it just made me so angry thinking about the unfairness of the situation, as he doesn’t allow me to go anywhere with my friends. We live in different countries and on his trip to me, last month, he shouted and screamed at me for the entire neighbourhood to hear. He kept banging my bed. I didn’t know what to do. He said I lied and cheated 31 times. He keeps repeating weird number of incidences like my driving with the colleague. In the beginning of the relationship he said he is over possessive because all his ex-girlfriends cheated on him. He also blames me for losing his job all the time. He says really weird stuff like he was the richest guy in the country and all the things which I don’t understand as they are not true.
So as last night I came to the realisation that he goes out every alternate night while I sit at home and lashed out at him and told him that this relationship has double standards and he can do everything while I can’t do anything. In response to which he broke up with me with the Whatsapp message that I am copy pasting. He sends me these abusive texts every time he breaks up and comes back. I am confused as I keep thinking its my fault. Please help and tell me if his behaviour is what is called abusive.We are supposed to get married in a few months and for that I will be leaving my country and everything . Here is the text he sent me in response of my asking on why he can go out and I can’t. Also, he is 26, I am 28 –
“I am no cheater! I won’t forgive u for what u said this morning! I am NOT what u think of me! I CAN BE TRUSTED U SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ! MY TRACK RECORD IS CLEAN YOU LIAR YOU CHEATER! I use to be afraid of losing u! now I’m just afraid of being with u. You said your last hurtful thing to me ever. I MAKE EVERY CHOICE ACCORDING TO U I INCLUDED U! I told u my every move as soon as I received the plans myself at that moment! your a fucking slut I never want to hear from you ever again! you crucify me for saying hi to 2 guys while I’m in a town 300km away? which I told u about? difference is and will always be it’s ALWAYS JUST ME AND MY MALE MALE MALE FRIENDS. WHEN DO I GO OUT ? your fucktup! I’m sick of your insults! I can’t I SHALL NOT ALLOW U TO TALK TO ME LIKE U DO! I NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG FUCKING EVER EVER EVER. I’m sick of hearing about other women! I’m sick of your fucktup threats! I’m sick of how u treated me this entire year! u tell me I mustn’t be online when u will go out? you dare tell me I didn’t save I’m not a man FUCK U WHORE you dare tell me. I ALWAYS SIT AT HOME I SAT AT HOME FOR 2 FUCKING YEARS WHILE U LIED AND FUCKED ME AROUND SLUT!!! I WONT BE WITH U ANYMORE U SHALL NOT!!! YOUR A FUCKING DEMON AND NOTHING BETTER THAN ALL MY EXES! I DONT FUCKING CARE WHAT U THINK OF ME ANYMORE CAUSE I HAD IT LIVING FOR SOMEONE WHO ONLY FIGHTS AND FALSE ACCUSES ME CAUSE OF HER OWN SINS! I AM FUCKING HEARTBROKEN AND I HAD IT WITH EVERYTHING U DO YOU NEVER CHANGED. EVERY WEEK U COME UP WITH SOMETHING FIRST ABUSIVE WHEN U FUCK UP NOW I’M MANIPULATIVE! AND I SHOULD STAND FOR THIS SHIT! YOUR A FUCKING LIAR U ARE A CHEATER YOU ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED. YOU TREATED ME LIKE CRAP! YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR ME! YOU NEVER APPRECIATED ME HENCE YOUR ACTIONS! YOU FUCK US UP U DID YOU ALONE! I stood pleaded begged explained. Control freak, psycho, fucker? FUCK U! I’m the only one who has to go through this hell to complete your desires according to your will I’m not getting anything from u except shit every fucking day! u DARE tell me you’ll get a guy your mom wants for you! YOU DRIVE WITH MEN I HEARD U NOTHING CHANGED! U LIE! I DONT WANNA BE WITH U ANYMORE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE YOUR THE WORST MISTAKE I EVER MADE YOUR FALSE!! YOUR THE MOST FALSE PERSON I EVER ENCOUNTERED IN MY LIFE YOU WONT HER FROM ME AND I HOPE TO GOD I WONT FROM U EVER AGAIN! I WANNA MORE FORWARD IN MY LIFE WITHOUT SLEEPLESS NIGHTS AND BEING SPOKEN TO LIKE U SPEAK TO ME. u only disrespect me but u expect respect! I wake up to nothing every day and the little u hold dear in my heart missing u wishing for u praying for us YOU JUST FUCK UP EVERY DAY! GO JUST FUCK OFF! I NEVER WANNA HEAR SEE SMELL TOUCH LISTEN READ ANYTHING OF U EVER AGAIN YOUR WORST THAN EVERYONE ELSE I EVER DATED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I WANNA BE SINGLE AND YES I’LL FUCKING SAY AWAY FROM SATAN SPAWN LIKE U! I HOPE U GET MY POINT CAUSE U SHALL NEVER EVER EVER DO AND SAY TO ME WHAT U DID TELL DATE AGAIN. YOU PUSHED YOUR LUCK BITCH YOU FUCKED UP! I KNEW I FUCKING KNEW NOT 1 WEEK THIS YEAR WILL PASS WITHOUT THIS SHIT IN MY LIFE! FUCK OFF NEVER EVER CALL MESSAGE ANYTHING ME EVER AGAIN I DONT CARE WHO FUCKS YOU ANYMORE CAUSE U ARE ANYWAY A FLIRT. BYE FOR GOOD I SHALL NOT FOR GIVE U FOR WHAT U SAID I SHALL NOT GIVE MY ALL TO SOMEONE WHO DOES AND SAYS WHAT U DO TO ME ANY LONGER NOT ONE FUCKING SECOND LONGER CUNT! FUCK YOU FUCK EVERYONE YOU PLACED ABOVE ME FUCK EVERYTHING I’M FUCKING GONE FOR GOOD I HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR CRAP!!!!!!!! FUCKING GIVE MY ALL FOR A LYING INCONSIDERATE SELFISH FLIRTING ABUSIVE MANUPILATIVE HELLSPAWN FOR TOO LONG!!! I HAD ENOUGH I CANT HOLD ON TO A IDEA OF U WHILE THE REALLY IS YOUR JUST FUCKTUP WITH ME EVER DAY, YOU LIE, YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!!!!
I recently figured out the guy I dated for 10 months is a sociopath. I found out he told really outrageous lies about many things in his past. He continues harassing me. I’ve been told he’s not physically dangerous, just emotionally, but I know he got in lots of fights when he was much younger. Perhaps he’s scared of going to jail now after spending time in jail on a domestic violence charge about 25 years ago. He claims he put her against the wall with his hands on her throat to get her to stop attacking him. He’s been harassing me, mostly by calling my phone (I don’t answer). I’m wondering whether it would be better to let him know I’m now aware of his lies or whether it will make things worse. I’ve told him about little lies he’s been caught in as far as calling, being at my house, but these lies are far bigger, like his employment history and many other things. He seems to think he can make excuses for the lies he’s been caught in so far and earn my trust back. I’d like to know whether confronting him about these other lies will help by making him realize he’s been irreparably identified as a huge liar or whether having his lies exposed will backfire on me worse. I appreciate any feedback and wish everyone here the best for healing.
Fooledagain, reply once, say do not contact me again. The relationship is OVER. If you continue to make contact with me, I will report you to the police for harassment.
It rips my soul into pieces. I am unable to collect all that is left. I look back knowing what I just gave up. What I can see is beautiful and strong. It took a lifetime to create that being.
Now I can feel the hot tears running down my face. I close my eyes pretending it didn’t just happen as I continue my journey. I make sure I am still holding my broken heart. Even though it was damaged I can still hear it beating. I can feel the desire to carry on. Every day keeps me moving forward.
I still continue to feel the sword that is left inside me. I find the strength to pull it out but only to bleed. I still hold on, hoping that I keep breathing. Even when I grasp my chest I can sense my life leaving. I am only an empty vessel waiting to be filled with the knowledge of hope. Still I have the passion inside to pull me forward.
You sound in so much pain by what you write, i wanted to send you a HUGE HUG< I promise that the way that you are feeling now. WILL get better. If someone has hurt you this much, things can only get better. By letting go he cant hurt you so much again. As long as you are moving forward, this is much better than going around and round in a crazy circle with a sociopath!!
Hi everyone, I am new here and am just looking for some advice.
My Story: 2009 I started dating my bf (I’m still with him) I thought he was truly the mans man of the century. I fell deeply in love with him. His charm, the way he talked just amazed me. He seemed almost to good to be true. Early on he became possessive. Clothes my looks even the way I leaned over to pick something up would bother him..at first I thought this was cute..look how much he cares type of thing. He would never and still never takes me out ANYWHERE in six years iv been with him and his friends 5 times. I do not no anyone he knows..I started catching him in lies a few months into our life together..but look past it. To make a short very long story short this is what im dealing with.
1. He lied and lies about his jobs and money
2. I support him money i pay all the rent (never has he helped)
3. He lies to me about things that don’t make sence…Example: He walks to the corner store to come back home and tell me some guy walked up to him and said his pants would look better on the ground and he hit him and ran home.
4. Anything or any type of story i have or anyone for that matter..he has a story to match or his was more intense.
5. He told me he payed for his ex to go to collage..come to find out that never happened.He said she slept with his friend come to find out..she was a shell of a person when they split and was faithful.
6. He left me for a week after a fight and then told me he had cancer (not true)
7. He up and leaves me all the time..tells me to eat sh*t and die. Im dead to him ect…then when i don’t respond to him he tells me he loves me..he’s sorry, look at things from his perspective (Im always at fault)
8. He lies about where he goes. Even if its as simple as going to visit his mother.
9. He recently told me that his aunt was stabbed by his uncle and that he had to leave town..for weeks he was gone..nothing on the news..to find out he was at his friends in another city.
10: He has said his brother hits his niece to me..he does not.
11. Iv just learned that he is known as a Liar! A huge liar.
12. He told me another aunt was in a car crash (she was not)
13. I mean this goes on and on…In everyday conversation he lies..you can actually see when he is starting to. Iv tried to leave him..but always come back. Summer 2014 he just left the city we live in out of nowhere..no warning nothing..came back when the leaves where falling off the trees. His sister in law told me to stay away from him..That she cannot believe a word he says..she thinks he is sick.
He is very selfish..Tonight I told him he i was needed something to eat..O have not ate in 2 days due to the fact my father is ill and im not doing so well with that. Before he left to ”work” he said he was broke had nothing..not even a smoke he could have during his brake. In all the six years we have been together..Today is the first day iv followed him with a friend in her car.We watched as he went to the corner store..bought ‘smokes’ Then called a cab..yet i was told he was taking a bus because he was ”broke” We followed the cab and he went to Tim Hortons and grabbed a coffee..he then walked across the street to go to work. My heart sank as my gut twisted from odium..on top of hunger that is. So here i am now googling..Liars..narcissistic men ect…And its like reading my life..and him in a book. Unreal. Please Advice…how did you feel when you left them? Did they still contact you? Things of this nature. I hope to hear from someone. Thank you.
Yes I dated one similar to what you describe, there is a lot on this site that you could relate to. As mine was also a compulsive pathological liar he also did the whole faking cancer, the drama, living off me, lying, faking jobs, in 3 years I didn’t know anyone in his life, yet he took all of my life.
We had two relationships, and therefore we split twice (its a long story about why I returned). The first time we split, i was devastated. My mind was confused, he was this lovely charming man, yet the things that he did, was absolutely shocking. 6 months after we split he was psychotic, it was hell on earth. Constant police involvement, turning my world upside down. For the year following that I wrote this blog and we weren’t together, and stuck to no contact.
I hit a really low place, as I was also involved in a legal case that wasn’t going away. I was told that it could continue another 18 months, so I let him back into my life. For the first 6 months he was kind of ok…. then it got worse and worse, with lies, living like a parasite control, rages, false accusations etc.
The second time we split, has been relatively easy. i had had enough and knew that no matter what he would never ever change. You see being with them is a liability. Do you really want someone in your life who lies to you and about you (yes he lies about you too). Do you want someone in your life, who will always let you down? Do you want someone who makes your life go round and round in circles with no future growth? So I kept walking…… at first, there was the mind control to undo, that took some time and some focus, as even though I knew all that I knew, I was still confused. There was the whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ senario….. but i knew that my own life was more valuable. I would never have a life with him in it. So I had to focus on me, and of changing things in my life, that were in my power to control.
It is better….. nobody is lying to me, nobody is yelling at me, nobody is turning my world upside down. I can begin to move forward. yes I feel that i wasted time in my life, made my own life harder, but that is what they bring to your world, chaos.
You deserve so much better than this. To start and move forward you have to establish no contact, and keep going with no contact. Instead focus your energy on you, and what you can change in your life….. soon the sun starts to shine and your own life changes.
You are telling the story of every single on of us every entangled with a sociopath. they are all identical with a different brain than normal people. They think alike from their limited vain view of the word. They all do the exact kinds of things. They are very predictable. If they are breathing they are lying. At the same time as seeming imaginative they are identical. To them we are all replaceable and interchangeable. They have no conscience. They feel no love – no remorse. they think they are the victim. They make up stories – like paying for their ex’s college. – mine bought his ex a Mercedes (NOT) – to make them selves seem: generous, loving, kind, magnanimous, monogamous, loyal, fantastic, humanitarians, famous, accomplished, like the most amazing guy you have ever even dreamed of. — They also all tell stories of being victims. , done them wrong, stolen their girl, slept with their best friend, cheated them in business, tried to kill them (LOL!) NONE of this is true. Reverse it. That’s the true story – They did it to someone else. They are doing it NOW to us if we are still with them. No contact is essential. I married a con man – accidentally – 10 months later I found out what he really was. You can recover from the PTSD, the grief, loss, sadness. Only be in touch with family and friends who really support you without any question. Stay near people who love you totally. You will recover and be stronger and happier than ever. Anyone can be scammed. There is no blame, no guilt. You did nothing wrong. He came in and tore your life apart. Sociopaths look for the best of the best: Women who are loyal, loving, kind, full of faith, generous, magnanimous, monogamous —all the things they pretend to be. They are monsters with no existence other than their lies. YOU ARE AWESOME. #truelovescam
Hi, First time iv been back since my last post. I stayed with him, he came back when he felt he wanted to i guess. Things were ok..He had bought food for the house..and has been paying the heat and hydro bill! Sounds great. Now with the lies..He is allergic to bees..now on one of his adventures that he went on in another city…he texts me a pic of him swollen him the face crying..with a msg saying iv been stung..Im so scared if i don’t make it i want you to no that i love you more then anything in this world. I of course am in a panic and try calling him..but don’t get an answer. I go crying to my neighbour about this and she takes me out for a coffee to calm down. This text i got was about 1:00 in the after noon…by the time i get a hold of him it is 7:00 pm. He picks up his phone to tell me he can’t talk his vitals are going down and that the doctor is rushing in and hangs up. This is sounding odd to me but don’t want to get to out of hand knowing that he is allergic. I don’t hear from him for the next few hours and am starting to get really mad. I call at 11:00 pm. He answers his cell phone and im like..Hello! What is going on! Why have you not called me..He’s like “oh’ I fell asleep ‘shit’ Im gonna grab my things and get out of here. Right there i new something was up. So before i ask him what hospital he is in and he gives me the name. I start asking well what did they say!? your just getting up and walking out? Anyway we hang up..and i call the hospital. I tell them his name and that he was admitted for anaphylactic shock from being sting and Im just wondering if they can put me through to his room number. No problem! So they go to look up his chart and say ‘Oh’ we have here that he was admitted at 2:30 pm and discharged at 6:00 pm. I play stupid and ask if he was ok..and they tell me he did have reaction and was given a new (epi pen and had an IV)
Then he was good to go. So the hole time he’s telling me his vitals are going down and passed out he was not even there. Not to mention he I had asked him if he wanted my neighbour to drive me there to see him..a good four hours away and he kept saying no. I call him flipping out asking why he would lie! And he tells me Im a heartless bitch for even questioning this and that he could have died..And that they must have there charts mixed up. So on and so forth. Needless to say he comes back home and nothing happened..Life goes on. A few weeks later another family member dies..his uncle..no proof does not take me with him to the funeral..and of course it’s out of town..again…He gives me a name I look it up nothing. When he gets back to town His mother calls him and asks how his trip was..and he forgets that he made up another death in his family and say’s oh it was hell working for his Aunt. Im just standing there like ????? The very latest..I had flipped right out and i mean flipped! About all his lies..everything he has been doing in six years! He leaves and runs of to his mothers..who is just like him! I swear they feed off eachother. After he has been there for 2 days he calls me and starts in with the your so childish and crazy you need medical help all this stuff..I hang up and am boiling! So i call his mothers and snap on her answering machine…Saying all sorts of stuff. How he’s abusive and in 28 years of my life iv never seen anyone lie like this and act so cruel..but yet question me and refuse to take me anywhere or do anything with me…at the end of the msg im leaving i say maybe your mother should back off and show you some tuff love and stay the hell out of our problems and life!.That’s that. It has been almost a month since i have seen him. There have been some emails exchanged. Six days ago i get a msg from his sister in law through facebook out of no where saying..I dont no what is going on with you and ”Mike” (not his name) But please leave me out of it..Iv tried to be there for you and be a friend when ever you have needed me. The msg continues to say that his mother called his brother saying that i left a msg on her machine saying that I called her and told her that my now ex’s sister in law was saying she was crazy and if it was not for her..my ex and his brother would have a better relationship!? I am dumb founded reading this. I don’t even speak to his mother! The last time iv even seen the woman was once last summer (2014) So of course I call and he is being nice when he answers and I ask for him to put his mother on the phone..very snappy! He says no..I tell him whats being said..and he turns around telling me what a loon i am and she never did that..she also denies it too..of course! And before i hang up I say I am so done with you people! I explain to his sister in law that i did not say anything in that nature about her or his brother..that i did leave a msg saying what i wrote above about him!!!! Unreal! So then i get two msg in my email telling me ill never change rah rah rah. He can see what type of person i am ect. Anyway this is the best iv done with nc and still even with all this crazy stuff going on i care for him. I don’t hear from him for a few days..and check my email and theres this big email about how he cares and loves me and my kids..and he’s sorry for all the things he’s done..and the doubt he has instilled and all this stuff. So of course i call him and the tone that answers the phone is the the rone you would expect after reading the words he wrote to me. So of course i let myself down..again. Now i have not spoke to him in 6 days no emails/calls..nothing..and i get yet another email telling me he has been thinking of me during these late nights at work. That’s it. I have not responded. Now what the hell is this! A narc/ a sociopath? Im lost! I don’t no what to do. He has not turned off the heat or hydro? And i told him too! I can not afford it, but do not care! I’ll find a way ect. Thoughts! I have no real friends..not much family. I saw a intake worker who has now got me apt for a counsellor on the 27th of this month. Im just so out of touch..like six years and im still hurt and love him. Idk if im coming or going anymore. Thoughts please. what is he?
I also forgot to mention.,,He had emailed me 2 weeks ago telling me there was a guy in a silver pick up that had been lurking around the schools here and for me to watch my kids. So i look all over our news ect..So i call the police station and ask them if something like this was happening. It is common for that to happen in our town. They have a woman call me back and she tells me there has been no report made at all. I lied to her when she asked where i got the info from. Then msg him through email telling him if this is some sick scare tactic he needs help. He then told me his buddy at work told him this and only filed the report today (2 days after the fact) well its been two weeks since and there’s still nothing about this.
The a same thing Happened to me. I left him and was harassed relentlessly for 6 months. I went back to him after 7 months because he has lung cancer. And what a mistake that was because he is right back to himself with the lies, turning words around to make everything that happens be My FAULT. Telling me I have no family , friends and that I am alone and that I will soon realize how much I am giving up by not being with him. He managed to convince my family I am a mental case and a drunk. So I really don’t have their support. They believe him. My 2 children stand by me. He tried to get to them by email but they blocked him. All I can say is they don’t change even with being sick. It is just another ploy. I am done with this relationship. I hope I can stay strong . I have not had contact with him for a month and a half. Not that he has not tried. Good luck to you. We will all stick together. Thanks to positive girl.wonderful Web site.
Last night I watched the movie “Gaslight” At first I did not think I could watch as it is very upseting at first but stay with it. Also come here tell us everything get it all out. Read all the stories and interviews and Video’s This June will be 2 years since I left in the middle of the night. I finally am going to court in 3 weeks to make divorce final. I have not seen, or heard of had any contact with him. The divorce is being done through court as I do not know his whereabouts….Now I am getting afraid that he will somehow mess this up. He has been to law school over 20 years ago but never passed the bar. He thinks he knows everything even more than Judges or ANYONE. I hate it how just a thought of him can stir up fear that he will somehow retaliate. Both of his sociopath sons have been in prison, They know persons who will kill you for money. I am safe here but in his last email he stated he could of killed me anytime already…I am not sure what to tell or not tell
the judge. When I left I was too sick to even apply for a restraining order…..I have severe PTSD from him. SO if you are thinking stay or go….GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE BEFORE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS. Sorry for the rant but I not able to take my pain meds at his time as they are interfering with my depression med that helps with the pain. Vicious cycle but at least I am FREE from HIM.
This is my second time back to this site. The first time was a year and a half ago. When my heart was broken by a sociopath. I felt like I couldn’t breathe without him. I began having anxiety attacks. I started the no contact rule.
Three long months passed by…I had begun to date. To put myself out there again. I was just getting back on my feet after my world was jerked out from under me with the lies and false promises of my ex soc. I was almost feeling normal again….and then he returned.
It began simple enough…he asked if I was taking my son to a special event in town. It had been so long I thought I was over it. And I had planned on taking him. So I told him that I was planning on it. And he then told me that he was working at the event. I honestly didn’t think anything of it. It had been 3 months.
When we got to the event he asked to see us. So I stopped by. It was harder than I thought to see him. He started in on how good I looked and how it was so good to see us and that he missed us. I blew it all off. I was over it. But then the texts started.
He kept asking me out…telling me how sorry and wrong he was for the cheating and lying (which I had read that sociopaths NEVER do). So I began to wonder. Maybe I was wrong about him and he was just in a bad place in his life the last time. I stood my ground and continued to say no to dates. He said he would do whatever it took however long it took to win back my trust. So i let my guard down.
It started when he came to my home to repair some things that needed repair. I thought he was showing good faith in that he was making an effort. We started to go on dates again. He was so apologetic and loving and said how much he missed me and that while he was gone he realized that he loved me more than anyone he had ever loved and realized that he sabotaged our previous relationship because he was afraid that I would hurt him like all his ex’s did with the cheating. He even said that he went to counseling those 3 months and the counselor helped him to realize what he had done.
Things were perfect..for a year and a half. We never argued. Rarely disagreed. I lost my home to foreclosure and he moved both my son and I into his home. All the while he says that it is our home. That he wanted to be with us forever. And love my son just like his own. And that the only thing that could possibly make him happier was to marry me….I was ecstatic. By this point I had unknowingly and completely fallen back into his trap.
We began fixing up “our home” to make it ours. We both spent money. I didnt much think about it. We started to save….he added me to his bank accounts. We worked on the house spending thousands of dollars. I knew that soc’s take money….but all the while he was spending his and giving me his checks I figured that I had been completely wrong about him in the first place. He’s so caring and kind and loving…he’s not taking anything from me without paying his share. I completely dropped my guard down. Huge mistake!
I ended up receiving a sizeable check. He always opened my mail…hes the one who saw it first. So he knew. We put it in the joint account. We would take some out as we needed it for repairs to the house. And i noticed the amount dwindling rapidly. So i asked where all the money was going and told him that we needed to start keeping a better record so we didnt waste it. He agreed.
Things were going along fine. We had both planned for a family vacation…our first cruise. I was so excited to take my son. We both saved to pay for it. I thought things were going along fine. We did things as a family…..and things as a couple. He told me on the last night that he had wanted to go back to the nicer restaurant for dinner again, The third night in a row. I hadn’t wanted to go since it cost extra and I didnt care for it much. So the last night he went alone.
He asked before he left if I was sure that I didnt want to go or did I need anything. I told him no that I was packing and to just bring me back a coke, He didnt come back for 5 hours. I lay awake just thinking about what he could possibly be doing…gambling all that money away? I didnt know. So at 2 am I took my son and went down to the bar where I saw him cuddled up to a girl…softly stroking her back with his thumb…..like he used to do me. I walked up and grabbed his arm and said “Im moving out”. He was so drunk he could barely walk. But he followed me back to the room.
I didnt want anything to do with him. I was done. I hated him at that moment for making me relive all the hurt and the pain that he has caused me in my last relationship. He came back to the room and I was asking him about it and all he said was “I don’t know what you’re talking about…I didnt do that” WTF? I saw it with my own eyes! My son saw it too!
We got into a fight in the hall when i told him not to come back to the room. Our first real fight ever. All of a sudden he lashed out at me and called me a bitch and kicked me! He had never even raised his voice before so I was so shocked! He went back to the bar and I went back t the room. He finally stumbled back and came in and passed out.
I went thru his phone. He had gotten that girls phone number and sent her a :x. I couldn’t believe it!! The next day we barely spoke. But he deleted her number saying she must’ve taken his phone and put her number in there….I guess she sent the text too? And he acted like nothing was wrong. But I got all kinds of excuses….he was drunk and couldn’t remember (so does that make it ok? in his eyes yes) Then I got the “maybe I was drugged excuse”. So stupid.
For a few weeks I distanced myself from him. He would still act the same as always. Saying he loved me, wanting to snuggle….never once apologizing. Then I get a message saying that he’s going out with his friends….he never went out with friends. He always said that he’d rather spend the time with me. But I just said ok and went on. I was still upset and hurt….but I had an awful feeling.
He came home completely drunk again. His skin gray and sweating drunk. He passed out again and again i went through his phone. There were more girls numbers in there. But he was smart enough to delete his texts. So i began to check his internet searches..and discovered he was on dating websites. I was so devastated!! I couldn’t believe it. And the things he was saying to these girls was completely not the person I knew.
I went into the bedroom and started to ask him what the hell was going on. All he kept mumbling was “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Then all of a sudden he jumped up out of the bed….called me a whore! He grabbed my by the throat and threw me against the wall choking me. I thought he was going to kill me honest to God. I thought I was dead! I turned to see my four year old standing in the doorway and I didnt want him to see this. I yelled at him to get in his room. Thats when he started throwing punches to my face. His eyes were just dead….No life at all in them. I had never seen his eyes this way. He threw me down on the ground and started to choke me again. I was petrified. I had no way to call for help. I just knew I was dead because I couldnt get him off of me.
He finally let go and I ran into the living room to get my son. He followed me and punched me in the eye and hit the side of my head. I just kept going and when i got to the couch he shoved me into my son and my son’s head hit the wall.
Thats when he just started to yell “you broke me…you got what you wanted…you destroyed me…Ive been thinking about killing myself because you won’t tell me you love me” Over and over. Then he just got up and walked out and went back to bed. Again I was in shock. Could already feel my eye swelling and I had to talk to my son about what he had seen. I was mortified…
When he got up again he acted like nothing had happened. By this time I had a black eye and swelling in my cheek and forehead. So I told him to stay away from me. He asked me why…..Why?? Look what you did to me! No emotion from his face and he said “I don’t remember. I wouldn’t do that” I even asked if he thought I actually did it to myself and he actually responded “maybe” Really?? Really???
he never showed an ounce of remorse about it. Even typical abusers generally say they are sorry don’t they?? He came over a few hours later and coldly said “I’m sorry if i did anything to hurt you” and kissed me on top of the head and left.
He was never the same after that. He said that he had flipped the switch on his emotions and that it was all my fault that he was this way now. He felt nothing. And he actually said he hated me! That killed me inside! And then he said the thing he hates the most that I did was make him lose his feelings for my son! All the blame was placed on me! I couldn’t believe it!
I asked him if he wanted me to move out. All i ever got was an “I dont know what I want. I don’t feel anything” So I wrote him a letter telling him how i felt. I though that maybe if he remembered how happy we once were he would return to how he used to be. He even cried when he read the letter. I asked why he cried and he said it was sad and that he wanted to keep the letter. I felt like I had poured my soul out to this man and got nothing in return. No answers…no nothing.
He started to lie to me about working later. One night I went by his work and saw he was leaving not 5 minutes after he said he had to work late. So i followed him. He was going to some apartments.. He said it was his friend from work but i seriously doubted him. And he was mad at me for following him. He said that was his safe haven from me and now that I knew where it was he’d never feel he could go there again. Again I was to blame not him. I told him I just wanted to talk so he reluctantly let me in the car. Again I poured my heart out to this guy! I actually didnt want him to leave despite all that he had just done to me! I didnt understand myself. I always said I would never stay in an abusive relationship. I just felt that since he had never done it before or even gotten mad it was just the alcohol.
Again…i got the “I don’t know how I feel” and that he was angry at me for following him. And all he wanted was to get away from me. So I got out and left. We barely spoke the next week, I decided that I would just try and act normal around the house. Ask him about his day, Give him a hug, But that night he told me that he thought I should move out while he worked on himself. That he needed to heal before we could go on and for that he needed space. He even agreed to counseling. So i said ok and left the room….again devastated.
Thats when he stopped coming home at night. OR if he came home he’d leave around 10. I was sleeping in my sons toddler bed to try and give him space and stay out of his way. Yet he said he didnt even feel comfortable in his own home. He came home one night and I was in our bedroom because he had told me he wasn’t coming home that night. So as I sat on our bed with my son he walks in the door. I said “I thought you weren’t coming home?” and he said “well this is my house and I want you out ASAP. You have one week to get out. He then grabbed my bag and threw it across the room.
Again no remorse…nothing. I have a four year old son to consider for schools and had to find a safe place for us to go in a week?? He didnt care. Was the farthest thing from his mind. I haven’t been able to find an affordable place to stay as of yet. Ive been staying with friends for two weeks. After the first week he made me come and pack up all my things and put them out in the garage. Now he’s asking again when I’m gonna find a place…guess Im messing up his dating life. He’s moved on. So I have to find a way to move on too.
This time the break up feels different. Last time he wanted to remain friends and I said no. Now he just wants to throw my son and i away like a piece of trash. I guess this is the discard. I guess he finally realized he couldnt keep up the facade. I’d tell him how much i loved him and that I was sorry..can you believe that? That I was sorry! When i did nothing wrong. All he would say is “you just want a place to stay”. So I’m still searching for an affordable place for me and my son to go.
Its my opinion that he changed when I refused to put the remainder of my money into just his name. I was having some issues with my exhusband. And he said I should put the money in someone else’s name so that the courts couldnt take it from me. Anything with my name on it could be taken from the bank. Of course he wanted it in his name. I actually made him an online bank account….but something just didnt feel right about it. So I never did it. And i think thats when he realized I wasn’t going to cooperate in his plan any longer.
While he’s asking me to move out he has the nerve to ask me to borrow money for a washer and dryer till he can pay me back…..I probably would have if not for friends telling me i was crazy. I told him no and he got pissed….said he was done with me playing games, That I had agreed to help him when I really didnt. Later I looked in his wallet and he had $2000 in there. WTH? The last time I saw him he asked me to help him with the electric bill and he’d pay me back. But 2 days later he has a new keurig machine, new fridge, new expensive knife set…I don’t even know what else. And he docent even drink coffee is the funny thing. .Im so upset that i let him back in to take advantage of me. He owed me money last time we split too. But he gave e checks and paid it back. It was just a way to have an excuse to still contact me. Let this be a warning to all…you NEVER know what a soc is capable of…..NEVER assume you’ll be safe. I did and look what happened to me. Just run if you even have a thought that this is the type of person that you are with.
I still have my anxiety attacks, and near panic attacks when i go near that house and I think he might come back when I’m there. He kicks me out and now wants to get rid of all the dogs too. So he thinks i can take 5 dogs with me to a rental or apartment. He used to love animals. He has done a complete 180 and I don’t even recognize the person that he has become.
I know the panic that everyone feels because of their loss. I feel it too, My chest gets tight and i can barely breathe. My hands shake all the time. But its truly not worth it if it comes down to your life or the safety of your child. I feel the loneliness when i don’t receive a text for a day or two…sometimes even just hours. He still plays games with me even though he hates me. He called this morning and when I texted back and asked what he wants he said “never mind i needed something 45 minutes ago when i called” so i asked what and get no response. I have also asked him numerous times to text whatever he needs so he knows i will not answer his calls. i dont even want to hear his voice. Then 2 hours later he texted me that he is sick of the dogs and did i have a place to go because he wants to just let the dogs run off to get rid of them…..so i text back and ask about the dogs. No response till 6 hours later. But at this point I feel i have to respond He has my things and my dogs. So I’m hoping when I finally find a place he will just attach himself to the new victim that is staying over at the house already and just leave me alone.
It will get easier. I tell myself that. And when i feel lonely i try to talk to a friend. They dont understand the addiction that we have to a sociopath. The deep loss that we have when we are of no use anymore. The panic and anxiety that comes with not speaking to someone no matter what horrific things they have done to us. So we come here. To support each other who struggle with the same feelings that we do. People that understand. I hope that each of you read this and realize that we don’t have any idea what these people are capable of…and we are better off being single and loving ourselves…thats who we fell in love with in the sociopath anyway.
Sorry this is so long. Just wanted you all to be aware of the monsters that these people can become without any warning. I pray that my story will give someone the confidence to walk away. If i can do it so can you. You’re worth it to save yourself….I promise you’re worth it!
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you don’t feel bad that you returned. It is possible that he did love you and meant what he said when you went back to him. I know that my ex was just like this, when I returned to him in 2014 (yes it trashed this site)…. it is so difficult, as just like with you, he was wonderful for quite some time. Stable, and seemed to be like a ‘normal guy’ he was so appearingly normal, that just like you. I doubted that maybe I had it wrong? Maybe he wasn’t a sociopath, and if he wasn’t a sociopath what on earth was this site about? I closed the site. A very short time after this, just like you I had a large payment of money paid to me. It is like once that ‘opportunity’ is there, the game changes for them. Did he know that you were going to get this money? Was it expected, or unexpected? As mine did know that it was coming. I thought that the way that he was – was basically seducing me, and him actually paying his way was his way of making an investment, for the bigger financial gain.
As soon as the money came in, he changed. I felt it change. I am so sorry for what you have been through, but really understand how you can really doubt yourself, as they can just appear so very normal. Something just seems to trigger within them and switch. Yes, it is difficult, and it is painful too. As I sit here and think he was through those good times last year….. you are safe, and your son is safe, and this is what is important.
Please don’t feel bad for returning, as I understand this, and I did the same thing, even though I had written this website all of 2013….. I just wanted to see the good, and he delivered. I also doubted myself, despite all that I knew. Yes, he duped and conned me again too. I believed him.
No I had no idea about the money. And he didn’t really change until I didn’t put the money in his name like I asked. Idk, it gives me a. Bit of peace thinking he is a SP. Part of me wants it not to be true as well. I will be moving my things next weekend so all ties will be gone after that and it scares me because I do still love him despite all the things I described.he hasn’t contacted me since yesterday when I lied and told him I had a place to live. I just didn’t want him to know that he still had me in a tough position anymore. Immediatrky he responded and asked “where at”. I tokd him i was out and i had to go. It hurts to know I’ve been replaced. That car has been at his house overnight more than once and it hurts…I tell myself she’s his new victim but what if I’m wrong about him and he just hates me? He contacts me mostly about moving my stuff. But two days ago sent me a “what are you doing” text. I responded an hour later and said working. No response again. Part of me hopes he never contacts me agsin…bc I get such a rush from it. I get my “fix” and then I crash days later. But part of me wants him to come back like last time and say how wrong he was for doing what he did and that he’s sorry. I know we are all in this place. Just wish it wasn’t so difficult to get past. When I feel sad I read forums on it and it helps don’t want to be this way forever though. I feel like I can’t make it alone. Like I’ll always need someone around to depend on to give me strength to not contact him. I know I never would bc it would only make it harder. But the thought is always in the back of my mind and I hate myself for still loving him.
Please don’t hate yourself for still loving him. For they are not always the ‘bad’ you love what was good. But not the abuse. This is normal.
Hi!
I’m writing from Istanbul.
I feel lost, tired, confused. I can’t control my feelings anymore.
It’s been 5 months we broke up with my sociopath.
We’ve met. It was ‘too good to be true’. Dated for 8 months, lived almost together for 6 months. I was always thought something goes wrong.
Found messages in his Facebook, asked. And got the answer ‘these are just thought experiments’
Lost my dad. And he left.
I’ve never sure if he’s an evil or a saint.
I am not a person who can let go.
So after we broke up, I’ve tried every way yo get the truth.
Here it is,
I’ve met a girl who thinks they’re together since 2010 🙂
She said: ‘he broke up with me with no reason at march (we’ve met last march) after a month he started to begging and ager 8 months ı thought ı should give him a chance.
I’ve met another girl who thinks they’re gonna get married soon 🙂
She is only 21, and said: “I’ve met him when I was 18. He is always abusive but ı’ve lost my mother so I needed him. Then he left. Then he came back. With a ring last November. I gave him another chance but he left after a month.”
In here, it means.
He broke up with me, made things out with the first girl mentioned and asked for marrying to the other one at the same time.
And, I’ve met a 21y old girl who thinks he is living in Germany. And they’re in love for years. And she is a virgin but he still abuses her sexually.
And there are many others. Dozens of women in years.
He is in tinder now. He keeps going with no regret.
Sex tapes. Lies like he lives in NY, a nude photo archive from these women.
I think he is dangerous. And I want to protect everyone from him.
But right now, I have nothing to do.
He blocked me from everywhere because I’ve did this ‘research’.
I’m not sure if this is the right place but ı need help.
Yes he is a sociopath. He is dangerous.
He admits that he is deceiving people.
I feel small, abused and really really sad after all.
And, I don’t know. Did you ever heard something like that?
I am 29 years old and trying to be alive is a daily duty for me these days.
How can I find some inner peace?
First of all, a big hug to you.
You know, in a book that has always given me a lot of healing (Women who run with the wolves), the author writes that if you are a wolf, and you meet another that is rabid, or ill, there’s nothing you can do other than fleeing. Running away as fast as you can.
Furthermore, you can’t help others if you aren’t safe and sound yourself. You are NOT safe and sound now. I know the feeling you describe. I felt like a “wet chicken”, or like a boxer who has just been beaten up to a pulp (the abuse was verbal and psychological in my case).
Please leave him, and all that has to do with him, behind you. Come here for help whenever you feel sad weak or… but stay away from him.
Hello,
This is a late but a big thank you from me to you.
I’ve read the book, the stories in it, inspired me. I understood that I am punishing myself from a long time. I should release the inner voice which keeps telling me that I am unique, wild and strong : )
I am better now. But not fully recovered. I guess this thing come along with me until I find real peace. I am thankful for all the women in here.
I have one last question.
How can I stop thinking about bad things. They’re coming to me like memories. And I feel vulnerable. I don’t want to feel anything because of him.
I hope you’re doing good and enjoying the spring’s fresh feelings : )
Best.
I would like to share a positive story, one of healing.
My “old” story is similar to many others.It’s a story we all share, albeit they are all a bit different: bullying at school, abuse in college, a socio, then another, then finally the escape.
But now, now I have finally understood that yes, I was surrounded by a*+holes, it wasn’t me; yes I was bullied and abused; but especially, I’d deserve somebody who loves me EVEN if I were all the horrible things my abusers told me I was.
So now that I am out of the maze of sociopathy and blame and self-loathing, I want my story to have me in the role of the hero.
We are all heroes, here. First of all Positiva: she, like a good magician, turned her pain into healing for others. And we, we all survived the dragon. Some of has even slayed it in the end. And this means we can beat all the others we will meet along the way.
So my new story begins thus: once upon a time there was a hero. She was flawed but she was strong. One day, a collegue was acting passive aggressively towards her, and she was hurting, because it reminded her of all the old wounds, caused by other dragon-collegues and dragon-friends in the past. It was hard and painful for a month. Then the hero was told she had to work with the dragon-collegue.
She trembled a bit. But then she breathed deeply. She stood her ground, she didn’t flinch, but she kept smiling. A firm, inner smile. Not a people-pleasing smile, not a meek smile, not a smile saying “sorry”, but simply a smile. One that says “I am here, in front of you, and you can’t hurt me. You can’t destroy the person I have become. I am safe now, you are such a small dragon! the one I have beaten were terrible and fierce, but you are so small, almost a lizard!” 🙂
So the hero worked togehter with the small collegue-dragon, and did a good job. And she smiled and showed it to the small dragon-collegue, even though the dragon-collegue had been passive aggressive once again. And the dragon collegue saw that the work was good, and that the hero was standing her ground, and she felt ashamed (she wasn’t such a bad dragon, after all! Not all dragons are big and cruel!), and she complimented the hero.
The hero felt nervous at first: it’s always so, when somehting unexpected AND good happens. The hero has yet to learn how to embrace good things, even small ones. But she breathed deeply and slowly, and smiled back, and was gracious in accepting the thanks (without diminishing the quality of her work).
Another battle won, another step further from the horrible maze that had trapped her for so long in the past.
To be continued 🙂
I would just like to say these comments are really helping me right now as I am in a bad place at the moment , I think I have been in a relationship for a year with a sociopath and after we split he has kept me hanging on for 7 months.
We met at work he was amazing best relationship ever I felt so loved ,so happy more than I had ever been . He use to say the same and that I was the love of his life the most amazing person he had ever met , couldn’t believe his luck when he found me and hoped we would always be together . He said I want everything with you marriage , family, future . Not long after dating he asked me to have a baby we started trying . I noticed things started changing few months after I always use to pull him my gut was telling me something wasn’t right , he was always on his phone, changing are days of when we were suppose to be together, not seeing one another as much but has his told me from the start he had depression and also had a lot on with his house which he was doing up for us , yes depression I always stood by him through this but it took over are relationship I doubt now if this was a pity play .
Anyway he ended things I just couldn’t understand why though ,because he was still loving just not as much he kept saying I just need to be on my own sort myself out cause of his depression and need to be on my own to do it , but I still love you and hope for us to be together. For two weeks I kept contacting now and then and also make sure he was ok, because I worried about him. Then I had a text saying sorry to text but I just had to tell you I still love you so much even within my messed up mind . After that got lots more text saying still love you , miss you just want to sort myself out and for us to be together . Kept sending me lovely text talking about us and our happy times and couldn’t wait for more with me , he was starting to feel good again.
Then I hear he is seeing another woman from work he denied it all crying down the phone its you I love don’t believe them your everything to me . Eventually he said I took her out a few times that was it I believed him , we made plans to meet sort things out then I heard he had been with someone else from work I was furious , he dined it all again saying I don’t hardly know her why do you always believes others and not me but he openly done this a works party so everyone knew . I didn’t want anything to do with him from then on but it hurt like hell and he kept contacting wanting to talk saying please lets talk we will both feel better , kept sending me lovely texts in the end I gave in when he rang one night crying again we belong together am so sorry for everything I’ve been so messed up blaming his meds and depression .
This girl was married he had rang her husband told him everything and now there getting divorced, I feel he done this because he hadn’t won , as she didn’t want to know him when it all came out in work.
It was now four months after are split and he rang and text everyday telling me how much he loves and misses me but I wasn’t sure I didn’t know what I wanted anymore even though I still loved him and missed him , I was scared. Then he said he had been interested in a job abroad with our company kept asking me to go said we will have an amazing life in the sun , carefree I wouldn’t have to work because he would be earning enough for us both sounded amazing but I was unsure because unsure of him still . I still questioned him over being with someone as I was suspicious sometimes just little things he done or said , we argued over it but always denied and I believed . He decided to take the job abroad still begging me to go , once he took the job I realised and he had convinced me he made a massive mistake last year with all that went on so I decided to give us another go but said am not moving over with you as yet we will see what happens as I still had doubts because a few times he was meant to be coming down and never did always an excuse , didn’t always answer his phone but reply later with a text.
So yes give it another go , then I hear he is still with this other girl he ended our relationship for so they have been together now 7 months and was asking her to have a baby and also move abroad with him . I couldn’t believe it am in shock this was only 4 weeks ago I confronted him he denied it all still I had proof my friend even spoke to his sister in law and also the girl he was with , he denied it all but he knew id been onto him for a while he got nasty with me I couldn’t believe it when the day before saying how much he loves me and also starting turning the tables on me saying I’ve been spreading rumours about him, apparently he spread some about me . Later that night he sent me a text saying why are you obsessed in try to split us up (meaning him and the girl he is with) funny when he denied it all along but think she made him send it . She thought it was all over with me and him 7 months ago , I sent her snap shots of messages he sent me and pictures. But she’s staying with him he’s obviously spun her more lies . He threatened my friend the one who spoke to his girl and told her everything , he’s gone to live abroad now she is still here not sure how long for though , I know this as we work together . I’ve blocked him completely , but for some insane reason I still miss him .
Apparently I’ve heard this is what he does goes around having affairs causing destruction wherever he goes then leaves , hence why he’s not in one country for to long . He also cheated on his wife which he told me I wasn’t happy with this but then he said we met so young (still know excuse ) he said this is why I have depression because am so devastated what I done to her its cuts me up you don’t realise the devastation it causes , I hate myself for it . So then I feel sorry for him and he looks so genuine. He also said she was a cold person quite volatile and always putting him down . I feel now he was talking of himself !
I can’t believe this lovely , caring , generous , kind , thoughtful amazing man was actually a monster . He has lied to me from day one all the hurt he has caused no remorse just up and left as always . He never uttered a kind word to me once I found out everything and didn’t believe him whatever he said .
Do you think he maybe a sociopath ?
Sorry for long story, any feed back would be appreciated so much .
Thank you xxxx
Big hugs to you all xxxx
I so feel like you did and have gone through 8 years of head games and still to this day he has a hold over me. We purchased land together and what a mistake that was. That is his leverage to harassed me continually. I want to sell it but he wants over half the money.all money I worked so hard for. I put in $63,000 and he put in $20,000. But his not wanting to sell is just a hold to keep me. Now going to a lawyer.
Ah they love this strategy, time wasting, playing the game, false empty promises. When you want something from them, they can go so far as to pretend that they are going to give you just what you want, then bail, over and over again. This keeps them in the game, in control and winning. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is a nightmare and often one that you think will never end – until they find someone else to play the game with.
I’m just now discovering what it means to have been in a relationship with a Sociopath. My ex – a very charismatic individual, charmed his way into my life a year ago via an online dating site. So much of what I’ve read on this blog is hitting me in the face like a mallet of truth. I had no idea what i was dealing with. I was sure he had anger management issues, but the “love bombing” and the “exit strategy” and all the other coined terms are like phrases to describe my life for the last year. Thankfully, my ex decided to abruptly exit my life almost 2 weeks ago, when I discovered I WAS his new “source of supply” and he was still carrying on a full blown relationship with the woman I thought was his ex-girlfriend. The fact was, he was in need of a new place to live after she had forced him to move out of the house due to his lack of job and motivation to contribute to the household. He is a master at making women feel loved and wanted and showered both of us with affection, but was bleeding us both dry financially. Now, I’m the enemy because I discovered what he was up to and have partnered with his other “source” to get both of us away. He is currently bombarding her with love messages and promising to change and swearing to do anything to stay with her, telling her he never cared for me or loved me and only began a relationship with me and moved in with me because she had kicked him out. (The most truth he’s told in years, I’m sure.)
She and I remain in constant contact and remind each other of all the lies and deceit we’ve experienced with him and I’m hoping if we stick together, she’ll be strong enough to push him out of her life once and for all.
Thank you SO MUCH for starting this site and offering support to other women (and men) who’ve been vicitmized by someone with a Sociopathic Personality Disorder. It’s honestly helping me to heal the hurt and confusion I’ve been feeling over the last 2 weeks.
Your situation sounds just like mine- mine also went after another girl on FB while still living with me and I had to team up with her to get him to stop. Of course she also ended up being a manipulative person just like he was, so in the end, she actually stabbed me in the back. He continued to live in my house and wouldnt leave while talking to her and planning to move up there and enroll in college.
Update to my situation…His other girlfriend is still caught up in his cycle of abuse. He seems to have completely released me (which I’m thankful for, although, I’m not convinced he won’t try to come back) but continues to hound her mercilessly with pleas and saying he’ll never give up and they’re meant to be together and all the other pretty words a woman wants to hear when she’s hurting. I feel sorry for her that she can’t get a clean break, but until he finds a new “source” to replace her completely, she’ll be his primary focus. I’ve tried to be supportive and talk her back into reality, but when I’m not talking to her about his lies and manipulation, he’s telling her I’m just bitter and lying to tear them apart. It’s sad, but there’s not much else I can do for her.
Yes they like to accuse you of being bitter 🙂
@Selin, there’s no magic formula, just give it time and of course, no contact. One day at time. Don’t be afraid of feeling vulnerable, I think that at first this is the way we protect ourselves. Maybe you will find each day a reason to remember him, but I’m sure you will find a lot of reasons to keep it just as a remembrance and not as part of your life. And one day,you’ll find that you didn’t think of him, and the days will keep adding until at last you will be able to say goodbye too to these remembrances. Meditate, pray, forgive him for what he did, for what he is and forgive yourself for what you allow and let the life flow again on you. Everything will be better…
When I first heard on TEDtalks the five most common identifiers of a sociopath, my body froze and my ears perked at the all too familiar characteristics. They described, to a T, the people who for the last nine years had turned my identity on its head. I had allowed this person to shape who I previously was into a cynical, depressed, codependent, and uninspiring human being. Through their tall tales I forfeited my sense of reason – something that has always been the cornerstone of my personality – and replaced it with sympathy and compassion. I didn’t want this person to suffer. I wanted to save this person from their dark thoughts, and their truly unfair existence. I couldn’t understand how someone so thoughtful and kind could be the victim of such bad karma.
Because I would not listen to reason, I allowed myself to be catfished by a sociopath.
There is no more terrifying feeling than to know something is wrong and being unable to understand why. I heard every excuse in the book from malfunctioning webcams to sudden hospitalization. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t meet this person – who, according to him, wanted so desperately to see me too. When I was at my breaking point I scoured the internet for clues, and found evidence that he was not who he said he was. I called him on it, and here’s the part I hadn’t expected. The person whose identity they had stolen had given his consent to the act, and went as far as to go on webcam to convince me that he was the fake account. But he blundered and I caught on quickly. From there, three of the catfish’s friends got on webcam to vouch for the catfish’s authenticity, but when the catfish herself got on camera (yes, a female) she gave several dead giveaways that she was who I had been talking to. This would mean she went extraordinarily out of her way to keep me in the dark – and was always several paces ahead of me to ensure that I stayed her ignorant little puppet.
When she seemed convinced that I believed her fake persona existed, I texted his phone off camera. For the first time during the entire conversation she looked down to her pocket and took out her buzzing phone. Now that she knew I’d caught her red handed, she got wildly defensive and animated. It honestly frightened me. It’s one thing to learn you’ve been catfished, but when that person’s personality suddenly flares into something completely uncharacteristic there’s really no word for the shock factor. I felt utterly defeated – like nine years of my life had been robbed from me. I remembered all the people I had fought with defending this person, and all the agony I had endured to see to his happiness. I remembered all the times I’d given 110%, and had stayed awake at night crushed that my best was never good enough. I remembered every elaborate lie they had told me to keep me from asking questions.
The worst part is, and likely always will be, that she will not confess. I literally told her and her friends that I thought he didn’t exist (after all, why wasn’t he with them on the video call?). Her friends and the person whose face it was had all temporarily accepted that I knew, but she never backed down. Knowing that I would never get a confession, I blocked all communication with the catfish account and all persons related. But there have been several attempts from the catfish and her friends to trick me into believing he’s still real, and still cares for me.
The truth is that this young woman stole my interests, my passions, my motivation, my attention, and my happiness. She may have even stolen my name and identity.
It’s such a horrifyingly clever, corrupt, and plain messed-up story that half the time I think no one will believe it happened. But from a purely rational standpoint, I have more than enough factual, documented evidence and first hand accounts to verify that these people are lying. Why? I haven’t the faintest clue, and the lack of closure on the matter is likely something I will never get over.
The fact that their account is still active, and cannot be removed, is unnerving. It wouldn’t surprise me if they tried to tarnish my name for uncovering their ruse. It’s taking everything in my self-control not to lash out and make things worse. I want an answer I know I’ll never get, and it’s something I just need to build a tolerance to whether I like it or not. I am bigger than them. I hurt a lot, and I feel betrayed, but I now know how strong I actually am. My best was always good enough. I have always been sane. Someone has made it their mission to personally counter and seize all the positive things that made me, me. From here on out, I will not stand for it.
Doppelgängers do exist. And they will kill you if you give them the power to. If anyone reading this is in a similar situation, please save yourself. No partner is worth sacrificing your identity over.
I think I have been with a sociopath. When I met him I was a single parent who had come through a messy divorce and he knew this. He friended me on facebook and contacted me and after some chatting suggested he came swimming with me (this was a hobby of mine). He was married at the time but eventually we started seeing each other and he left his wife for me (I never suggested this). He was very loving very quickly and within no time he was stopping over and had a key. He apparently had the same favourite films as I did and the same interests. He started to tag along in everything I did which I would have previously done without him. He even came to school with me to take my child whenever he could and got very involved with my child, saying he loved him etc. He shared all his passwords with me and told me the passcode for his phone. He once told me he had looked into my phone and another time I found him looking at my phone when he thought I couldn’t see him. I eventually realised that I didn’t do anything without him unless I was on my own or with my child. I had been isolated from family and friends. He would constantly text or email when we were apart. He was very charming to people and loved being the centre of attention although he said that he was shy. The relationship ended because he was violent but even then he breached his bail conditions and contacted me on several occasions in different ways and has also hacked my facebook account. Is he a sociopath?
Playing coy…giving just enough, keeping you guessing, wanting more, questioning, drawing you in
Attractions – big smiles, lovely kisses, attention, words…pretty, loving words
Touching and tasting and accepting and listening and sharing…opening up a whole new world
Best friends – favors, plans, future, if we just…
Taking, sucking, using, stealing, lying, betraying, words…hurting, evil words
Wondering and waiting and hoping and believing and forgiving…opening the door slowly
Lovers – passionate, forever, pursuit of happiness, if we just…
Shifting, changing, hiding, lying, cheating, words…leaving, hateful words
Searching and discovering and realizing and understanding….opening eyes wide to the truth
Enemies – pity, disgust, repulsion, vengeful, if I just…
Releasing, changing, protecting, defending…forgiving myself
Oh my God! Same story with me..lovebombed me telling me that he broke up with the 10 year old relationship..but when i decided to msg her she never answered me back, he called me and started swearing at me and she blocked me on fb..i learned that he is crawling back to her telling her that i am lying, she left the house they 2 shared but she is dating him again…its been 6 months since the break up and everything feels like it was yesterday..i am angry with him, jealous of her, angry with her and s o disapointed about my life
Dating a Sociopath 
Hi, I am still not sure if I have been dating a sociopath, pathological liar or just a compulsive liar. He has admited that he lies and has a problem with this, but that is all. We have been together almost 2 full years.
We met at work. He even told me that he had been eyeing me for about a year before we started talking. When we started talking I told him I was married and in the process of a divorce but still living with my now ex. He wasn’t at all bothered by that.
He started off by offering to help with everything. Changing my oil, fixing my fridge, replacing my breaks, anything and everything I needed he wanted to do for me.
By the time we had been dating for 3 months I had still never been to his home. He told me he lived alone (2 daughters lived with their mom). His daughters were close in age to me. He is 21 years older. His response to why I couldn’t go was that his daughters were over on the weekends and he didn’t want them to be “mean” to me and during the week there wasn’t time to go to his house. So I tried being understanding for while and finally told him that I didn’t care if he daughters were “mean” i could handle it. He ended up avoiding the confrontation and litterally ran away. When he finally calmed down he told me he had lied about living alone and actually lived with his sister and her family (I confirmed this as true). I thought well “big deal” why would he lie about that, so trivial and continued the relationship thinking the worst was now behind us.
His secretive behavior continued though. I still never met any of his family, no old friends (and he spoke about them A LOT). So why was I not able to meet them? He said he played games with his male cousins on Sundays but that I couldn’t go because it was a boys only event and I would make them uncomfortable. Say what? They were supposedly all married with families and they spend a whole Sunday, every week away from them? Things like that happened a lot. eVerything was last minute with him. If something needed to be done, it came up last minute and he could not get out of it.
So fast forward to the last few months. In October he came to me and told me that he had to run to Mexico (where is father lived, he had traveld at least 3 other times without me since our relationship) because his dad had “another” stroke. (one past trip was for the supposed first stroke). So I was understanding, didn’t make a big deal about it etc. After 3 days of being gone, he never called. I contacted the sister (that lived with him and only family member I knew) and asked her if she could have him contact me to let me know everything is ok. When she spoke to me she informed me that she didn’t know her dad ever having stroke. That she spoke to her brother the day before and he was out with his father and brothers eating at a restaurant. Needles too say i was a wreck after this! I had no way of calling or texting because he shuts his phone off on these trips. I did manage to e-mail him and he responded saying that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me because I was “cheating” on him and he went to Mexico to clear is head during this “hard tiime” for him. Say what? I never cheated on him. What ended up coming out as his story was that one day he noticed me on the computer and when I got up to do something he came to clean up the table and noticed I was looking at a profile on a dating site. So this all made sense as a logical thing to me because during that time I was on a dating site, not looking for men but to gather information about my son’s biological father who I was now battling for past child support for. I needed proof he was working and knew he was on that dating site. I explained this to my boyfriend and he finished up his week trip, came home and we had a long discussion about lying and that you don’t run away from those things but bring them up to me so we can DISCUSS them logically! He agreed at this point that he had a lying problem and confessed a lot of lies that I knew he had been telling. he said he would go to counseling, etc. but went once and quit.
2 months after this (Last week) comes. He had promised that this year we would spend the holidays togther since the year before he spent two weeks in Mexico with his family. That was the plan we made and I had heard nothing different. Then one night he comes to me and tells me he has a ticket for Mexico and needs to leave the next day. He started this conversation by saying “well it doesn’t matter because you don’t love me anyway.” needless to say I had another melt down. How could he do this after all he has put me through, etc? he ended up not leaving the day he was supposed to. He went to a counseling appointment with me (I had been going regularly do to allthe anxiety and stress from this last 2 years). We sat down with my counselor and came to a “compromise”. He would leave early on the 25th (therefore spending part of xmas with me) and he would come back on the 29th and then we would go do something together. He agreed to call once a day and leave a number for me to call him at.
On the 25th, he left. Told me his cousin was taking him to the airport so I didn’t need to. Said he was leaving his car in our work parking lot (rather than his cousin pick him up at my house?) so he didn’t have to pay for airport parking. He called me that evening saying he was in Las VEgas waiting for connecting flight. I got an e-mail early the next morning saying he was there but little else. Said he would call later that day. No call. Next day, another short e-mail (at 3am his time) saying he would call later, no call. Next day nothing and nothing since. He never came back as promised either.
So now I am thinking that it extends beyond just lying compulsively. This is very hard for me because when he is here he is WONDERFUL! He does dishes, laundry, cleans the house, fixes EVERYTHING, cleans out my car, cooks, does the shopping (and pays). I am very confused about all this. I e-mailed him 3 days ago and told him that I couldn’t take this anymore. The anxiety of not knowing was too much for me. His unwillingness to discuss plans and stick to them was just more than I can handle. In some ways I am certain he is a sociopath but I still question it (which I know is normal). That is why I am looking for any help in figuring this out? What are thoughts on this?
Forgot to add a couple key things. His car was not parked at work, his cousin did not take him to the airport and he told me he was seling his house and had a for sale sign out, which he does not. Before he left he acted all hurt that I didn’t trust him to return when he said and acted like this was very hard for him to do but he had to be there for his dad over the holidays. That was the excuse for having to go.
You may not like what I say here – I am going to be straight forward: I’m sorry to say, but your words here clearly show with absolute certainty that – within the first paragraph it is clear: you are dating a sociopath. They can only take us through 5 stages of “relationships” – and none of this is a matter of the heart for them. They do not care for anyone… They have in fact the portion of the brain that tallows them to feel positive connecting emotions is undeveloped. So – He took you through the stages of love scam: first he assessed you, then won your trust (by fixing things and he knows that works with you so he still cleans, fixe and does chores while he is in your home to maintain your trust and continue confusing you) and is now just ripping a way at your life. I’m guessing you feel confused in a rally profound way – so confused you talk yourself out of being confused? Are you feeling worse and worse – and maybe at this point a little e bit – well – afraid of him. I suppose for sure you know feel bad and things are not what they started out to be by a wide, wide margin. All you have described is – quite mundane for a sociopath – as in it’s all completely normal to them. They are not people with any emotions or concern for anyone else. They love creating invisible or real three way relationships to cause more confusion and suffering. Their intent is not to have a nice relationship – they have no concern for working anything out. – For example blaming you for “Dating” some one and this being so upsetting to him is pure bs. It is a ploy to keep distance between you and keep you hooked at the same time. Vegas, Mexico, emails with nothing in them, not calling, not living in the circumstances he first told you about – all this is the normal behavior of a sociopath. Even going to counselling with you is a game to him. It makes you “happy” so you stay in the “relationship” with him. He lies his way through every session – AND he can use it to make you feel guilty – Also he is learning a lot about what normal people expect in relationships from the counselor and the sessions – he is gathering material to hone his love scam skills. It make no sense to us – normal people – because we have feelings, empathy, love, care, concern, we invest our hearts in relationships and we believe others do as well. We all assume when one gets in a relationship the goal is love and happiness – Not so with a sociopath. They are simply after a few things – ego satisfaction, a “good reputation”, status, sex, material possessions, money, or housing. R.U.N. and do not look back. There is no love on his part for you. Sociopaths are incapable of love. It’s best to leave quietly. Sociopaths are angered when they lose the game. The general rule among those of us who have gone through this is: no contact. Break away and end all contact — no calls, texts, emails, FB messages, voice mails. That is step number one. I recommend changing your phone number or blocking his number through your cell carrier. Blocking him from FB, making his emails spam, and etc. This may seem impossible. You may still need more proof. If you stick around – you will get proof eventually. It will be hard and incredibly painful. I hope so much you can skip that and move on now. — Because he also knows you are catching on to the truth of him… this is when a sociopath winds up and really does damage… then they do disappear. Always. All the Best to You!!!!
@Noelle, triangulation is real, and the sociopaths just love it. Be careful about what you share about him with her (sometimes they use the OW as a way to have contact or power over you), be clear that you will cooperate with the relationship with the brothers and that if he says anything please ask you first. A new year full of peace and better ways!
Hello. While I’m pretty sure my Horrible Ex is at the very least a Narcissist, I’ve never been sure if he was a Sociopath/Psychopath.
However, the girl who was my best friend for 8 years before I booted her from my life is definitely, 100% a raging Sociopath/Psychopath.
We met when we were 14/15. She was in the grade ahead of me, a sophomore, when I was starting high school. I’d previously belonged to a group of friends that I’d started to feel were a bit below my maturity level (wouldn’t talk about periods without losing their minds for example. Like, Christ, we all had them by then, what was the big deal?), they were also constantly switching up who in the group would be “The One Bullied For The Month By The Others” and I happened to be the ‘friend’ they bullied relentlessly most only to decide I was fine after all and turn their attention to someone else, and I just felt we had less and less in common as we started High School. That’s when I met Katie (name changed). Katie seemed incredibly worldly and grown up when I met her. She’d had sex already, boyfriends, friends with benefits and suitors lined up around the block just waiting in hopes she’d even look at them. She had a friendship relationship with her single absentee mother, so she basically just did what she pleased and I viewed her independence and freedom as very adult (rather than blatant negligence on her mother’s part). We shared more common interests than I had with any previous friend and, sad to admit, she was considered very cool and popular by the ‘alternative cool kid crowd’ and was known and adored by everyone in the local scene while I was just a dumpy, pimple faced, four eyed, insecure girl who listened to punk music and had never been kissed, so her social status alone was impressive on top of the fact the girl everyone fell in love with as a friend or suitor considered ME to be ‘cool’ as well. I distinctly remember thinking as we walked home from school one afternoon “I’ve finally met a real friend. Somebody who I have everything in common with, somebody who will be good to me and I will be good to them and they’ll never throw me under the bus to make themselves look better. This is fantastic”. I was so incredibly wrong and naive.
First, there was another girl. Annie was older than us and had been Katie’s friend for awhile, but Katie used her as a sick way for us to bond. Annie was, indeed, a very clingy friend and, while I’m no doctor, she fits Histrionic Personality Disorder to a T. Her need to be the center of attention by faking asthma attacks and demanding we all watch her rendition of a song while she was blatantly panicked by the idea of no one hanging out with her 24/7 was easy to find annoying. Katie would set up scenarios where she’d invite both of us over, show me favor and watch Annie scramble to win back that favor. At the time, I genuinely believed I was truly just that awesome and Annie was obnoxious and needed to take a hint. Katie and I were obviously better friends, why couldn’t she go away. Annie couldn’t get anything right in Katie’s eyes, all of her attempts to become the official BFF again would just be rewarded with put-downs and the silent treatment. I remember standing in a hallway at school as Katie casually and loudly explained to Annie one day why she was so horrible, annoying, stupid, etc. and that she just needed to go away before turning and leaving with me. I remember Annie trembling, hurt and humiliated, with tears in her eyes as I thought “Finally, now Katie and I can be the proper best friends we are meant to be without this chick coming around, being annoying”. Keep in mind, I was 14 and didn’t know about red flags, but if there ever was a red flag, this was one.
Katie introduced me to all of her cool older friends, people considered the best looking in school, in popular local bands, what have you. She introduced me to her 19 year old lover who she HAD SEX WITH (14 year old me still wondered what a french kiss would be like, so this was so utterly grown up and amazing. Not at all weird and just statutory rape…). She took me to shows and, while I definitely felt like her unfortunate looking sidekick, I did enjoy the new status I’d found along with the joy of finding a friend who I could finally, truly relate to.
We hung out every single day, as much as we could, for a year and suddenly, one day, I definitely could relate to poor Annie far more than I could to Katie. I’d watched as Katie went through a string of short term relationships where she’d have her boyfriend completely obsessed with her (“I’m not really sure why, but people just seem to get addicted to me” she’d explained) and actively encouraged that obsession with promises of love and adoration, only to abruptly cut off all contact with them, act like they were insane for thinking there was ever anything between them and would go on to date their best friend like it was perfectly natural. I am not exaggerating or lying when I say this destroyed these boys. One attempted suicide.
While I’d once been her best friend, I suddenly was being treated like Annie and ex boyfriends. “Why are you so obsessed with me? You need to get a life, you’re freaking me out” she’d say to me if I asked if she wanted to walk home together. This was her pattern. Actively encouraging someone to think they’d found a best friend or one true love by creating a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship where she would literally focus entirely on you, only to turn around and act shocked and confused that you thought you were close at all. Some people take up after school activities, Katie took up fostering close relationships just to crush them down the line. Then she started picking me apart and bullying me in front of all these new, cool friends. The boys she had wrapped around her finger would practically stand us next to each other and compare us physically. Katie was transcendent in their eyes, I was disgusting and might as well kill myself. She never stood up for me, she would just preen and smile like a pleased cat, further encouraging this behavior. Then she encouraged others to join in on bullying me. She called me out on the secret cutting habit I’d developed, claiming I was pathetic and doing it for attention (Meanwhile, she had quite a bad cutting/burning habit of her own. To help her feel, she said). I was her new Annie and while I knew it, just like Annie, I scrambled desperately to win back her favor. Which is exactly what she wanted. While I danced on eggshells around her, I simultaneously hated her for constantly turning every social situation into a focus on her by being overtly sexual around drooling, horny teenage boys. “I got these new panties the other day, on sale, they’re so cute. Does anybody want to see them?” she would coyly ask while slowly pulling up her skirt to reveal some mesh thong. I just wanted to hang out, I didn’t want to sit around, bored, while her army of admirers hung on her every word while she purred and cooed and sat in laps as if there could never possibly be any sexual connotation to such a thing.
When I’d reach my breaking point, I’d call Katie out on her bullshit. Her incredibly bad lies that everybody believed without question, her treatment of boyfriends and friends, her use of sex to manipulate, the way she talked people into doing bad things for her while staring deeply into their eyes and speaking in a soft, honeyed voice. Then the sweet, pretty girl facade would drop and I’d almost be faced with a completely different person, someone filled with rage and venom. “You would have zero, ZERO FRIENDS if it wasn’t for me. You’d be completely alone if I didn’t GO OUT OF MY WAY to convince people to like you and even after that, NOBODY FUCKING LIKES YOU. You. Are. Unbearable. People can’t STAND you. They only tolerate you because you. Are. With. ME”. And then I’d feel self loathing and guilt. 15 year old me accepted it all as truth. I was an awful friend after all she’d done for me. Nobody could stand me. I was so terrible and unlikable that I would die alone. And, so, after Katie’s public humilation and abuse towards me escalated, I did attempt suicide. Turns out I was crap at it and obviously survived, but weirdly, what I was most relieved about, was that the suicide attempt made Katie turn down the volume on her abuse for awhile. She knew that if I did end up dying, she would be blamed. After all, while plenty of her lackeys had whole heartedly enjoyed joining in on the bullying, all of them would pretend to be sad and fight over who had known me best in the event of my stupid tragic teenage suicide and they’d all point the finger at her as the cause of my untimely passing. But I didn’t die, so after a short period of being like the Katie I’d first met and making sure the coast was clear, she slowly turned the volume on the abuse back up.
Why didn’t I leave this horrible farce of a friendship? I was lonely, had low self esteem and had been systematically taught that I had brought this all on myself and in no way deserved anything better. Give a sociopathic teenage girl with nothing better to do an insecure, depressed 14-15 year old victim and, after a year, she’ll have convinced said victim that any hardship in their lives caused by the sociopath was 100% their own fault. She could’ve punched me in the throat, made an excuse and I would’ve believed it was probably the right thing to do.
Katie had started seeing this popular, good looking senior who was in a band, but he wasn’t easily manipulated. He’d see me walking alone around town at night, pick me up in his car and we’d end up venting about our Katie problems. I was ecstatic that someone saw through her act. He defended me against my bullies. He was a really good guy, even though he had a reputation as an arrogant jerk.
One night, he broke it off with Katie, threw a party, specifically invited everybody except for her and he said I could sleep my drunk off there. Let me mention, by this point, I’d made out with some guys and had performed oral sex on a guy once. I’d made some headway since I started highschool, but was not a sex goddess like Katie. Katie’s newly ex-boyfriend asked me to sleep in his bed and, whaddya know, it happened. Lost my virginity to him. And, of course, brought the wrath of Katie upon myself. I had no idea it would bother her so much; she would go on and on about feeling nothing for these guys, that she had no emotional or romantic attatchment to them, that they were just for fun. She admitted that they were just toys to her, that relationships were just games and she’d drop them without a second thought when the game wasn’t fun anymore (it was a last bit of bonus fun if the guy lost his mind over the breakup). I wholeheartedly understand and respect the friend law that forbids one from pursuing, dating or sleeping with a friends ex, but I figured 1. she had admitted she didn’t feel anything for these guys and 2. she was a pretty awful friend. It couldn’t possibly create any trouble. When I got older I understood why she was so upset. She didn’t feel heartbroken or betrayed by this, it was simply that I, her toy and inferior sidekick, had played with another one of her toys. People are property to her.
She didn’t act out against me right away. She was patient when it came to me, but this choice did effect my life for years to come. Her lowly sidekick had played with one of her toys, THE ONLY TOY THAT DIDN’T WANT HER. She kind of lost it. She sweet talked her way into his next party, only to sleep with every single one of his bandmates and his best friend in one night. Sex was her favorite weapon.
I then switched schools. Not to get away from Katie specifically, but it was pretty great to start over. I discovered makeup and a dermatologist, got contact lenses, my braces off and lost a great deal of weight. Suddenly, at 16, I was getting A LOT of male attention. My ego went through the roof, sure, but I kind of felt like I deserved to feel a bit cocky after all of that other garbage. I started to enjoy solitude, therapy, making new, non-abusive friends, the new attention I was receiving from guys. I didn’t see Katie for what felt like ages as a teenager, but she showed up at my house unannounced one night and was shocked at my physical transformation. I was no longer an unfortunate looking sidekick. In her eyes, I had suddenly become competition. I desperately did not want to be competition, I just wanted to live my life. I LOATHE being in competitions with other people, it’s exhausting and stressful, but Katie had it in her head that I was some kind of threat. I had slept with the one guy she had managed to not destroy and was dumped by (really, really horrible choice on my part) and I was now (still feels so weird and conceited to say so) considered pretty. She acted as if everything was great, oh, how awesome, long time no see, but I could see the wheels turning in her head. Stupidly, I started spending time with her again.
Then I got my first, real, genu-wine boyfriend. He was really pretty, older, kind of damaged in a broken bird kind of way and nice to me. He even said he loved me. Unfortunately, we didn’t get a lot of time to explore this love and relationship because Katie made it her sole purpose and goal to destroy any happiness I may have found with this guy (I wouldn’t have. In hindsight, he was actually pretty lame) by starting to seduce him. Subtly on one hand, so if I called her out on flirting with my boyfriend she could claim it was just paranoia on my part, yet on the other hand, it was very blatant. I’d turn my back for a second, she’d flash him. I’d leave the room to go to the bathroom only to come back and find her straddling his lap, stroking his beard and giggling. We’d stop by his job to buy something and she’d tell him in a suggestive tone she’d dreamt about him that night. It was infuriating watching my own boyfriend, my first boyfriend, my first love, practically cream his pants because of this girl and do nothing to discourage her behavior. I couldn’t smack her upside the head and tell her to knock it off because she wanted exactly that reaction. She wanted to know I felt threatened by her…which I absolutely did, but I knew better than to let her see fear. She was daring me to make a thing of it so she could innocently claim she was doing nothing wrong and then I’d seem petty, jealous and nuts in the eyes of this boyfriend. It was pointless in the end. The boyfriend abruptly stopped saying I love you back. He grew distant. He’d go off to hang with ‘friends’, but acted rather sketchy about it. Me coming over unannounced before had been fine, but now it was a big no-no. I knew, inside, what was going on, but truly entertaining the idea was so heartbreaking that I tried to live in a state of denial. Boyfriend dumped me in a CVS on New Years Eve and I shamefully cried in public.
Some time went by and I would visit him at work…his new job where Katie was his co-worker…to try and win him back. Didn’t work. He’d always look slightly guilty, but I took it to mean he was uncomfortable with my advances. I cut Katie out of my life yet again because I knew on some level she had something to do with this. She was enraged…I still remember the pure, trembling rage she displayed when I told her I needed space from her in our friendship. I still don’t get why, but she was pissed. Then, on my 18th birthday, a friend casually mentioned seeing ex-boyfriend and Katie passionately making out in a parking lot. It felt like my heart had been punched through my guts. I called her and let her know that I knew, that “You got me back for sleeping with your ex AND ruined my 18th birthday. Congratulations, you’ve killed two birds with one stone, I’m sure you’re pleased with yourself”. Turns out everybody not only knew they’d started dating, but he had cheated on me with her for the last month of our relationship. That’s why I still don’t understand the rage she displayed when I told her I needed space. Perhaps she wanted me around to see how splendidly her revenge had gone.
And it was just that. Because as soon as I confronted her and ended up sobbing, she quickly said she’d end things with him. He was blindsided by this. He thought things were going swimmingly between them, but it pretty much turned out he’d only been a pawn in a fucked up game. The same day, she went and got all her things from his house, any love she’d shown him had immediately dissipated. I vividly remember her driving around with the stuff she’d picked up in her backseat for a few days and the awful feeling when I’d seen the pile of sexy underwear. Maybe it was an extra touch of “See what happens when you cross me?”. I also found out she’d been cheating on this guy with some other guy for almost the entirety of their relationship…it pretty much solidified that she’d dated my first love purely out of spite.
Yet again, we resumed our friendship. This entire time, I sincerely believed she was just an asshole. I knew assholes could change, I knew she had the potential to become a better person, an actually decent friend, and she would often put on great shows of proving how much she had indeed learned the error of her ways and would never be so goddamn awful again. I didn’t understand that she was absolutely 100% incapable of stopping her atrocious treatment of others and myself.
Because I can’t really go over all of the awful things Katie did to me and others over an 8 year span, I’ll end with this story. One night, while thoroughly drunk and sitting on a rooftop at a friends place, I was feeling really sorry for myself and was crying. She came out and sat next to me, asked what was wrong. “Nobody will ever love me. I love other people and when I think they can love me back, they actually can’t stand me. I’m so alone. I feel like I have so much love to give, but nobody wants it. Why would they? I’m mediocre in every way, why settle for somebody like me when there’s someone so much better just around the corner!” I’d wailed. Katie got serious with me for a moment. She said “Well, that’s better than what I’m stuck with”
“How?” I demanded “How is my shit better? How is it worse to have anybody you could ever want, to have the pick of the litter, and to be considered gorgeous and amazing and never be dumped and never have your heart broken?”
“You don’t know what it’s like to know that as much as you may want to love somebody, you just can’t. No matter how much they love you, you do not love them. You’re just feeling sorry for yourself, but you will eventually find somebody who’s crazy in love for you as much as you are for them, but I will never have that and I will die alone”
I remember thinking ‘Bullshit. What the hell is she even talking about? This is some Katie nonsense about how hard she is. Pure bullshit’
It wasn’t bullshit, the girl was admitting to me that she could not create and maintain normal human relationships. That she literally could not feel love for another person. She could be a rather good actress when it came to pretending to be in love, so much so that I think once or twice she fooled herself, but she was admitting her lack of emotional depth and I just brushed it off. I brushed off a lot of things she said that should have raised alarms regarding her Sociopathy. That she claimed she would masturbate to the idea of a burglar breaking in and stabbing them to death. That she didn’t feel guilt and gave an example of how she broke a kids arm when she was 8 and just laughed and laughed. That because her childhood was so shitty, she felt entitled to a better life now and seeing other people happy filled her with rage and a need to destroy that happiness.
We continued our unhealthy tango of hanging out, me hoping she’d change, only to be betrayed and lied to and hurt time and time again. I finally read up on socio/psychopaths and everything clicked into place. I suddenly realized she was an empty shell and our friendship had meant absolutely nothing to her. That she was just an emotional vampire. That the person I thought I knew for years was a complete stranger. I felt like an absolute idiot. She’d never change, she was incapable of learning from her mistakes…which were becoming more commonplace and with worse consequences.
She eventually stole $2,000 dollars and some jewelry from my mom because she’d developed a heroin addiction. While she could live with her own family and has had gone through detox and could remain clean, she now is homeless and continues to go back to using heroin intravenously. She hops trains and hitchhikes, which seems fitting because staying anywhere for any extended period of time would drive her up the walls, but I’m shocked she’s not dead from living such a high risk lifestyle (I think she absolutely loves the danger involved). Last time we spoke, she called me from an unknown number to regale me with tales of working all summer to buy thousands of dollars worth of heroin while living in a tent in the woods with a dog and her homeless, junkie boyfriend. She met him at court after she attacked an old vagrant. Apparently kicking somebody half to death with your shoes on is considered assault with a deadly weapon. I do not talk to her anymore, I’m finished. Stupidly, it took me this long.
For years I wanted revenge, I’d even admit out loud I wished she’d die and I didn’t care if people were shocked because they didn’t understand what she’d done to me and other people over the years. These days I do not want her dead because she’s already practically a walking corpse, wandering across the country, OD’ing on dope and dating awful men. Good riddance.
Sorry for the longest wall of text ever, y’all. I tried to just pick meaningful bits and pieces from 8 years with this woman. I really only covered 3-4 years. Ugh.
Wow. This is really a book-worthy story—“My Personal Encounters with a Sociopath”. Not to minimize the impacts to you of this very real story, I still couldn’t wait to read what happened next. In fact, I’d like to read the development of the entire relationship, down to her eventual outcome (if you could stand to catch up with her to “interview” her in the present). Seriously, if no other good could come from it, at least you should be able to profit from the tale, and you are a great writer.
I completely agree with jusagurl!! this needs to be a book!!!! you need to find a publisher and get this out so we can read the whole story, plus, It would probably feel really good for you to get this all off your chest and make some money out of the situation.
I dated a sociopath for 4 years. During our relationship we were friends for a whole year before dating, more like friends with benefits, then I gave him the ultimatum either we date or we just stay strictly as friends. He chose to date, we dated for a while and our relationship was going very well, we got into a heroin addiction together two years into our relationship, and during that time it was hard to quit, because every time I wanted to he would suck me back in.
We both got clean and we spoke to each other after but decided not to date in order not to cause problems with family since they thought we would be a bad influence on one another at the time. We continued to see each other, both sober, and stayed close friends, while also during that time, he treated me the same as when we were together, as we were still intimate with one another. He would randomly disappear and ignore messages, then come two weeks later with some stupid excuse.
He would also many times say he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, then later when I would leave him alone would come apologize and say hes sorry and didn’t mean it, and I mean everything to him. Just recently he started dating someone new, and when I asked him about it he denied it, saying that its not a real relationship, and she just thinks they are together but they aren’t. I kept asking him to tell me the truth but he would continue to deny it. Until one day she called me and told me to stop giving him drugs, something that never happened.
Apparently she found out he was talking to me so he told her that he only contacted me for drugs and that he doesn’t like me, and all these lies. I stopped talking to them, because I thought to myself why talk to someone that makes up lies about you. A month later he contacted me, after I was just beginning to move on. Telling me hes so sorry and he didn’t mean it, and it was stupid of him to say those things, and he loves me and I’m the only one who cares for him and so on.
We started talking again, and I told him to tell his girlfriend that we are talking, he said there is no point, because their relationship is falling apart anyways, and he doesn’t like her, that she looks ugly and dresses horrible and he doesn’t care about her, and they are on a break. I didn’t believe it as signs weren’t showing that way, she would always text and call and I told him well if you don’t want to be with her then break up with her, he would make excuses such as she has his guitar and so on.
After we started talking, he went back to using heroin about a week later, and would continue to lie about his relationship with his girlfriend, and during that time when I believed him that it was over between them, he kept trying to sleep with me, I didn’t want it in the beginning but he continued to seduce me and convince me that I’m his soul mate and he loves me and he doesn’t care for her like he cares for me. I admit I fell for it a bit, but not completely, as I told him many times I do not want to talk to him, because I have a feeling he’s lying, but he went to the point where he lied and said that he just met her and its over between them, he needed my help because he knew I was experienced in dealing with addiction and I could help him quit that’s probably why he kept me around, but there was no need to lie and sleep with me, I didn’t even ask for it.
Out of his luck, his girlfriend contacted me right after that so called meeting they had that they broke up, and she told me that she had found out that he had met me from a text I sent him and asked if I thought that he was in a relationship with her or not. I told her to be honest he said that you two broke up. She then asked me for help in helping him quit heroin, because she had just found some with him the other day, and she wants some tips on how she can help him quit. I offered her all the tips I knew, and stopped talking to him she also asked if he had cheated on her and I told her everything, because I knew he was lying.
He told her that I forced him to take drugs, and that he slept with me because I had seduced him supposedly and I was giving him drugs and if he didn’t sleep with me he wouldn’t have got the drugs, all a complete lie because I wasn’t using with him, or giving him any drugs. He made me seem like a crazy person, telling her that I never leave him alone, and that he only uses me for his own selfish needs and he never cared and never cheated, and he never called her ugly, he denied everything he said pretty much. Then blamed his drug use on the “strands i leave behind” blaming all his faults on me, everything.
When I had previously left him alone, and hes the one who contacted me and apologized and went so far to cry and pretend he loves me saying he’s never cared about anyone like me, and he hates her and doesn’t want to be with her. This drove me crazy because she kept accusing me of being a liar so I backfired and told her everything, she still called me a liar, and said even if he cheated on me it was because he wanted drugs, and he was under the influence, and she blamed everything on his drug use like he wanted it to seem. It was not because of the drugs, he’s been like this since that I’ve known him, always deceiving and manipulating to get what he wants, making other people seem like the crazy ones, and hes the innocent one.
He even use to tell people sometimes he has cancer, so they can feel bad for him. He would always lie about everything, even pointless things. I got very angry and told her that she will see for herself one day that he is a sociopath and a liar and he will never propose to her and he is just using her for his selfish needs. Anyways I got a long email from them both today calling me the crazy one and I’m bipolar, saying horrible insulting things about me all lies that he told her,and justifying all his actions on the drugs, saying they have never seen a brighter soul then with me out of his life for this past week. And to leave him alone, and all this weird stuff.
He tells her the same stuff he use to tell me, and she somehow thinks its OK that he dated me for 4 years, as he claims that he only dated me because of the “heroin” even though we didn’t get into any drug addiction until 2 years after dating. She tells me he never loved you that I’m his past and she’s his future, and its okay that he cheated on her if he did, she will forgive him, and I’m jealous and all this crazy crap.
And they have been dating for 6 months now, and after I told him last night that he will never propose to her, he popped the question. I can’t believe this, its probably just a way to get her to believe his lies more, that he is saying the truth. I hate how they can go make us look like they crazy ones when I’ve only been so nice to him. He was my first love, he manipulated me made me think he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, then just threw me away and picked me back up whenever he pleased. He can go from saying very heart warming things, to horrible cold hearted degrading things in a split second. I wasted 4 years of my life with him, lost my virginity to him, helped him with so many things, fought my parents to be with him, sacrificed so much, now hes with this girl that he just cheated on last week with me, and called her ugly and disgusting, and now hes marrying her? Wow. Just had to share…..
Slynn,
“He can go from saying very heart warming things to horrible cold hearted degrading things in a split second.” … “I wasted 4 years of my life with him…”
These are the two things that haunt me the most, so you’re definitely not alone. It was the very last message I got from him that proved to me once and for all he was a complete sociopath and I never really knew him at all. It was the way he put “hey there” in the subject line, only to say “Never contact me again.” For years, I kept logically thinking his sugar mommy he dumped me for would end (all his relationships all his life ended fairly quickly, except – I thought – his relationship with me), and I did not observe the no contact rule at all. I never gave up on that relationship, entirely based on money/financial security (which he knew I couldn’t give him), crashing and burning, which is what I so desperately needed to hear! But when he could tell I’d lost my feelings for him and was just checking in periodically to hear that was alone again, he finally dropped the mask and the ice showed through. Once you are no longer providing a sociopath with anything, they’re beyond done with you – they make you feel like nothing. Worst feeling in the world, even worse than losing a loved one to cancer (and I’ve experienced both)!
I wasted 6 years of my life with “my” ex, and since then nothing’s helped. That’s why I kept trying to contact him. I thought, at least if I can get that one piece of satisfaction to hear his new relationship ended and he was miserably alone, that’d help me enormously! Unfortunately, I never got it, and despite my best efforts, I haven’t made new friends or met anyone new I’ve genuinely wanted to be in a relationship with. Naturally, this means I lost everything, and he’s won.
Anyway, my point is, those are the two hardest things for me as well. I never thought I’d live to see the day when he actually didn’t even want to hear from me anymore, and I never once believed those whole six years of being entirely consumed by him would end up being a complete waste of time, energy, and emotion.
Again, reading your post especially struck a chord with me because it was more similar to my story and my feelings than some I’ve read. Thank you for sharing, and I hope it helps you to know you’re not the only one left feeling that way.
May you find whatever it is that will help you heal.
~ Blackcat36
I do not believe in happily ever afters for sociopaths or psychopaths..
Sooner or later the beast will surface…( those poor partners) .Being with a socio or psychopath is like communing with the dead.. what kind of life do they have anyway? By the way , you don’t have to be romantically involved to suffer the effects.
Have you seen the episode in the next generation Starfleet of a girl trying to date Data the robot?. A pleasant character void of feelings….That is what it is like to be with a psychopath, (except you have to add chronic lying, manipulation, and every sort of abuse)
aaaah…my heart goes out to you all !!!!!!!…….wish I could give you hugs!!
Hey! I’m from the uk and we have an inspirational women here called katie piper.
Her boyfriend arranged to get acid chucked in her face as he was jelouse of her looks as she was a model and tv presenter.
Do u think her ex was a sociopath and narcissist ? I do!
If u ever feel down look her up and her story! She is so brave and she has outside scars aswell as inside!
🙂 1 month no contact now 🙂
Nightmares are slowly going and iv got my life back !
X
Hey! I’m from the uk and we have an inspirational women here called katie piper.
Her boyfriend arranged to get acid chucked in her face as he was jelouse of her looks as she was a model and tv presenter.
Do u think her ex was a sociopath and narcissist ? I do!
If u ever feel down look her up and her story! She is so brave and she has outside scars aswell as inside!
🙂 1 month no contact now 🙂
Nightmares are slowly going and iv got my life back !
X
Sorry posted twice forgot to click to see comments
Hi alice i am in the uk too i saw alice on tv what a wonderfully brave incredible woman. How is she doing today? Do you know?
Hi positivagirl
Yes katie is doing amazing she is everywhere promoting her story so people know what kind of people are out there. I saw her on a program this morning she was saying she was convincing people not to have plastic surgery. She is incredible and it made me think of what all of us on this site have been through and made me post so if people don’t know of her they can see her story. She is very beautiful inside and out!
Every comment I read on here sounds like I wrote it myself about my boyfriend!
He lied about having a job. He lied about being in the military. He lied about what state he lived in. He lied about his relationship with his family. He lied about what apartment complex he lived in. He lied about having a degree. He lied about being arrested.
He constantly makes up grandiose stories to me. It’s almost as if he WANTS me to feel bad for him. He makes himself the victim in EVERY single situation. No matter what. He’s always the victim. Everyone is always out to get him. Oh, poor him. He would often say to me “you just don’t understand my hurt.”
He would make plans with me and then never show up and just leave me at a restaurant. He would say he was coming home and then never show up. He would get up in the middle of the night and just walk out of the front door for no reason. He would get really mad and punch holes through our walls in the middle of the night.
He wouldn’t remember entire situations out of our lives. He just ‘wouldn’t be able to recall that night”.
He talks in the most poetic way when he’s apologizing to me when I am on my knees crying about something he’s done. He talks as if he’s reading out of a poetry or philosophy book. But his apologies aren’t sincere. His behavior continues the moment the fight is over. He makes promises that he doesn’t keep.
He would get up and go to a fake job every morning for two months. When I showed up to his fake office, I went inside to meet him and the secretary said that no one with that name had ever worked there. When I confronted him, he claimed that he had worked there but that he quit that day because his boss ‘just didn’t like him’.
Everything was a lie. Everything. He had multiple girlfriends on the side. He would make up an entire series of events that were extremely over the top and grandiose and I would later find out that those events never occurred.
In every single argument he would make me out to be the bad person. He would make me feel guilty for ever thinking he was a liar. He told me that I was the mentally unstable one and that I treated him poorly.
He’s the victim no matter what and demands that I apologize to him to matter what the issue is.
I have been extremely supportive of him through all the bad. I have been a stable support system because I feel like he needs some kind of stability. I care about him. I really do. But will he ever be able to get and feel better? Or will it forever be this uphill, never ending, exhausting battle? I want him to be okay, not for my sake but for his. I want him to have an amazing life but with all the lies, he’s alienated himself so much that I’m pretty much the only one left. I have known dated him for the past 3 years but it feels like it’s been about 33 years.
So my question is, does he believe his lies or does he lie knowing he’s hurting me and just doesn’t care? I honestly don’t know which of those options are worse. Will it ever get better? or can it even get better?
He believes his lies. He knows he’s lying. He knows he hurts you. He enjoys hurting you. – He is a sociopath. That is what they do. In my book they are not human. They are monsters. Never the less, this is what they are. They do not change. They cannot change. — Please leave. Now. Quietly. Safely. Go. Stop all contact with him. No emails, no texts, nothing. Nada. Zilch. Con men aka sociopaths are dangerous. you are the only on left indeed, because that is how they end up… they don’t stop abusing, controlling, taking, destroying ever – until they die – so they do wind down to having one victim – or a person and a child – or just a child that they control in the end of things. He will be very angry to see you go. Don’t make any hints that you are going. Behave just the same. Don’t even think about your plan in his presence. Just make it and get safely away. Sociopaths who are not violent can be suddenly very violent when they are losing their game.
Here’s a simple bottom line way to think about it… Do you want to spend another minute feeling so badly – spending your life with someone who causes such pain you fall to your knees crying even once?
Go. Now. Please. I’m on my knees begging you.
I had a 10&1/2 month marriage to a soicopath. When I found out what he was the love just ended. I was so fortunate that he had done things so atrocious and I discovered them it jolted me awake; I asked him to leave. He left 10 days later – the interim was a nightmare beyond a nightmare. – He was so frightening that “no contact” was not a problem. I never wanted to look at him or talk to him again — I had to to get an annulment and he filed a bogus restraining order – classic sociopathic behavior. So I had to see him in a court room. — I feel no contact is of number one importance. I needed to know where my con man was for reasons related to service of papers and for reporting him to immigration and Police, the District Attorney and the FBI – I had another woman he was scamming simultaneously who checked his “where abouts” on Facebook. I didn’t want to see his face or read his insanity in his posts where he was smearing me – again typical sociopathic behavior. – She sent me key posts to compile my case… He gave away a number of incriminating things in his posts out of the deep vanity and self obsession sociopaths have. He looked entirely different to me from the early days. I had thought him intelligent, charming, fun and just amazing. But now his mask was GONE – because I didn’t believe him anymore. I knew the truth… Unless we buy their truth – Sociopath’s pretty much evaporate. Their world depends on us believing them. — Before this experience I never really knew that evil existed. – I got my annulment April 2014 – I still have not dated and though I feel I would be okay dating at this time I’m giving myself 6 months to a year from the date I last had to turn in reports on him to authorities — that day was YESTERDAY! January 6, 2015. He is an international sociopath with women, wives, children, fiances, girlfriends, fake business endeavors and projects in about five different countries. I think I may be the only person who really recognized and went through the process of having his criminal behavior documented. I felt I had to do it. It’s been an incredible experience. I was really supported by family and friends in recovery; I learned all I could about antisocial-psychopaths to understand it had nothing much to do with me. He took my best human qualities to twist to his will. I refuse to give up being human, kind, compassionate and loving. All the best to all of you!
I apologize in advance for the novel.
I met my ex in the summer of 2012 via an online dating site His profile was quirky and smartass, exactly my style of interaction. He told me that he had been in a relationship with the woman he was “married” to for 7 years, and they had recently ended their relationship because he found pictures of her with other men. He was still consistenly in contact with her, because of their son (not biologically, but raised from an infant).
We began texting nonstop (roughly 200 messages a day, how I had that much time, no clue), and after a week, he asked to meet me, to come to his father’s farm. I did. I should preface that this was by no means the riskiest or most impulsive thing I’ve done in my life. I have my own set of personality issues, which led to a sometimes chaotic life.
I wont lie; our night together was something out of some cheesy coming-of-age movie; we swam in a pond, kissed under the moon, the whole nine. We communicated regularly after that; I expressed interest in dating, he said he wasn’t ready yet. I accepted it, and communication fizzled.
Ironically, a few months later, I was the one that reignited contact. We began communicating again, and began seeing eachother occasionally. At that point the red flags had begun to appear; but I initially ignored them under “giving the benefit of the doubt” guise. We communicated only by text, all of our visits and overnights were at my place, I never once ever knew or saw where he lived, and he was aloof and noncommittal. He was still telling me he wasn’t ready for commitment, so I blew off the red flags. Around December ’12, I caught feelings. I tried to call things off, but he would fight me every time; he didn’t want to stop talking to me, and said that he felt things too. The “I love you”s followed. I suspected more and more that there was more to his relationship with his ‘ex’, but was stuck in feelings mode.
New years eve ’12, I went out of town with a girlfriend. It was then I got the text: He had been truthful about finding the pictures of her with another man, but the relationship never ended. We met eachother during a rift. He lived with her, and they had infact been together for 7 years. He came clean because he really felt genuine feelings for me, and didn’t want to keep lying.
I ended things right then and there. Told him to fuck off, unfriended, all of the above. Stupidly, I rebounded immediately (10 days later) into a relationship with a married man who had JUST separated from his wife (my choices in men have always been a running joke with my friends and I). as expected, it crashed and burned miserably at the 6 week mark when he went completely MIA. It was then that I got the text from my ex after 6 weeks of no contact (and on valentiens day ironlically): I thought of you today, im sorry for what I put you through. My rage was centered on the rebound, so we began chatting again. It was nice; it was extremely non threatening; non sexual, just good conversation and a person for me to vent to.
We began to see eachother as friends and had lunch a few times. He went more indepth about his relationship with his “wife”. They had an open relationship, and had had ‘playtoys’ and shared girlfriends, but always together. Outside separate relationships weren’t allowed, and he had genuine feelings for me so cut it off because it was against the rules. He then told me that he still had those feelings for me, and wanted to start seeing me romantically again. After some consideration, I agreed on the condition that there would be no lies. Everyone had to be in the know.
At first it was awesome. I had my “part-time” boyfriend who loved me, I still had my independence and freedom, and got all the good aspects of a relationship. Bills, income, rent; those weren’t my concern. I still haddn’t met the wife, but in the beginning I didn’t want to. I had never been in a relationship like that before, and wasn’t ready. But since he was spending consistent time with me (one-two overnights a week), and I had also met his son, I thought there was reason to think everything was legit.
This time though, I wanted to know more about him. Curiosity is my downfall. I have a ridiculous need to know. Everything. After some very indepth online research, I found out that he was a registered sex offender and had spent 4 years in prison. The charge was a misdemeanor and I was unable to find the actual case. I do know from expierence with friends that ending up on that list can be from anything ranging from something as simple as getting caught peeing in public up to the heavy stuff, so I didn’t jump to conclusions immediately. I began talking to a friend of mine that knew him from when he worked at a medical study facility that my ex participated in studies at. He told me that rumor had it that the ex had anywhere from 2-4 kids, and had also knocked up one of the nurses there and left her high and dry. (I learned that in the 7 years he was with his wife he had 2 legit jobs, and was for the most part a “stay at home dad”. She financially supported everything, he would make occasional income by medical studies and helping his father with scrap metal on the farm).
I confronted him with everything I learned. He admitted to 4 children by 2 ex girlfriends; all prior to going to prison. 2 were being cared for by a new ‘dad’, and the other ex kept him from seeing the other 2 kids. He had gone to prison for possession of explosives (his dumb ass made homemade napalm for a party and was arrested), and the sex offense was from giving a 13 year old a hickey that had told him she was 16 when he was 18 years old (my friends and I told the age lie a lot when we were younger). He showed me the actual cases, the stories were legit. I felt that the person I was in love with wasn’t that person anymore, and left it in his past. I should say he is by far not the worst person ive ever known in my life, so his past was actually not terrible in comparison.
Time went on, and I started to want more. At the start he gave me the impression that my relationship to him was on equal playing field as his other with his wife. That’s when the cycle started: I would threaten to end things, I would get the attention I wanted, things were perfect, repeat. Love kept me there. And I loved him. More than anything.
Fast forward to October ’13. Things haddnt gotten better, they just stayed consistent. That’s when I got the text: the wife didn’t know. He told me that she knew I was a ‘friend’, but had no knowledge of our actual relationship. He told me that he loved me too much, and didn’t want to lose me, and felt that if he came clean, we could start with a clean slate; I would meet the wife, and we could start new. But he couldn’t tell her about our past.
I was absolutely devastated. I told him under no circumstances would I consider anything if he wouldn’t come clean to her about everything. He wouldn’t, so I told him to fuck off again. I was absolutely devastated. I loved him so much I almost caved. But didn’t.
I found out through a mutual friend that about a month after this happened he found a new “toy”. Except this one met the wife. Had been in the home. Got to do all the things I never did. Over the next 7 months, he consistently would text me anywhere from every day to every 4 weeks. He begged to see me, could not let me go, loved me too much. It was agony, and I was able to keep no contact for periods, but would always cave and get into text arguments. I never saw him though.
In may he left the state for a job, and I would respond to him more. Usually to tell him to fuck off when he would tell me he loved me and it should have always been me doing those things with him. Communication didn’t hurt as much because he was out of state, was going to stay there for the job, and I wouldn’t have to worry about seeing him ever again.
Toward the end of may, he lost the job due to legal issues with a suspended license. A week after that, he found out that the wife had slept with several men without his consent or knowledge, and he ended the relationship over it. He called me, wanting my comfort, that I ‘save him’. I was still angry, but I loved him, and I could hear actual anguish in his voice, so I talked to him. He went MIA for a few days, and I figured things had gone back to normal and I wouldn’t hear from him.
I got a phone call from him at 3am a few nights later from jail. He had come home, gotten into a fight with her that escalated to a physical one, and he was arrested for battery. He called me because my number is one of the few that he’s made it a point to memorize. For whatever stupid reason (love), I bailed him out (which he did actually repay me for the next day). At no point was I ever worried that I was in danger with him. I just knew that was something I never had to worry about.
The initial plan was for him to spend a few days on my couch until he could get things figured out and go to his dad’s. He never left. When I realized what was happening, I had a very upfront conversation with him. I told him that if he was going to stay with me, it was going to be just us. No one else. I also told him that I knew he had spent almost a decade in a relationship where he was permeitted to do what he wanted with whom he wanted. I also told him that I understood him as a sociopath (the punchline: im a psychology graduate student, and because of my personal issues understood the disconnect), and if he felt like that was something he wanted or needed, that I understood, but he would have to leave. He told me that he loved me, and wanted to have a real chance again, saying that he knew what it felt like to be cheated on (in his double standard definition of cheating), and he wouldn’t do that to me.
Things were amazing at first. He did things that he haddnt in his previous relationship: got a job, a bank account, health insurance. It seemed as if he wanted to really try. About 2 months in, I found out that he had cheated on me with the ‘toy’ he had replaced me with, whom he led me to believe that she was just simply someone he communicated infrequently on a friend level. I went ballistic, gave him a black eye, and told him that if he wanted to fix things, I would give him that chance. He had spent a decade in a dysfunctional mess, and I know behaviors can be tough to change, so I told him that this was his one fuck up. He agreed to cut contact with her, and made the attempt to fix things.
After a while, I knew that something was going on. Behaviors, clues, I knew he was still seeing her. The problem was I had no proof. The problem with dating a sociopath is they are professional liars. He can talk his way out of anything, and without having any kind of physical proof and only my (correct) suspicions, he could talk his way out of it.
The week of thanksgiving I got that proof. I had gone out with a friend who has known him for years, and she came clean to me: he was infact seeing the toy behind my back, and at first she had helped with the lie because of her loyalty to a friend, but because fed up with it, his behavior, and his treatment of me. She gave me her phone to take home with me, which contained text between the two of them over the last 8 months that confirmed every suspicion I had.
I went home, waited, and when he got home, I confronted him. I showed him her phone, and I could see for a moment in his face, he realized what I had. I went into a rage and attacked him. I took his house key and made him leave that night with most of his things. He came back the next day to pick up more things and to talk. He admitted to everything, denied nothing. Told me that he loved me more than anything, he could not be without me. I told him that if he was serious about it, that he would immediately cut her out of his life. No contact. He said he couldn’t, he didn’t love her like he did me, but cared for her deeply and considered her a close friend. I told him to leave.
As I expected, he had nowhere to go (he had been very good at burning bridges and screwing over people over the years), and ended up at the toy’s home, where he still is currently. He says he still wants a life with me, wants to be with me, but because he cant come home, financially he has no option but to stay there due to not making a big income and couldn’t afford his own place. I told him (probably 500 times by now) that if he was serious about it, he would make it happen some how. I knew he would continue to play victim and wouldn’t.
We have met a few times so he could pick up more of his things. And unfortunately a few of those times ended up with us sleeping together. The most recent being new years eve. He picked up that last of his stuff 2 days ago, and I told him that now that he has everything, I didn’t want to speak to or see him. As long as he was living with her, and living his life the was he was (non monogamous, sleeping around, etc), I wanted nothing to do with him and had no reason to speak to him.
I believe that he is a disempathetic sociopath. I do believe that the bond he has with me, while isn’t love the way most of us view it, is real, and to him is love. There are a small amount of people (maybe 5) that he genuinely cares (in his capacity) about. Outside of that, no one. One of the reasons I believe this is that he has never once physically hurt me, yelled at me, spoken to me negatively, called me names, anything of the sort. I have never feared him, and have only ever gotten adoration and praise from him.
He has a Madonna/whore complex as well, and I believe im his Madonna. There was a conversation once when we were discussing his past relationship and the need for the sexual compulsion with other people. He said that it was because hes always had deviant sexual compulsions (rough play, bondage, dominant/submissive), but he couldn’t do that to her. He had his perfect wife at home and did the bad shit to the whores he slept with. He said something similar to me once when I brought up the fact that he would never have any kind of roughness with me (hair pulling, etc). he couldn’t do those things to me because those are demeaning things to him, things you do to whores. Had he not been seeing her behind my back, im positive that at some point there would be one night stands to get those things out of his system that he cant to do with me.
He told me once that I was perfect to him, and that I belonged to him. Because he views me that way, and loves me, he feels a “protective possessiveness” over me. He wants to take care of and protect me (the lying was to ‘protect me’ and protect the home he had with me), and sees me as his. No one else is entitled to me. I know that he will always have this view, and always see me as his.
Its only been 2 days of no contact, and I know for a fact that he is in no way going to stop trying to communicate with me any time soon, but I feel this time I am stronger than before, and having gone through it once aready with him. I want to believe that I’ll never cave and never talk to him again, but for right now im trying to be realistic and hope to hold my ground longer and stronger this time.
Emotional predator very seductive, affectionate, loving, and attentive and sincere! at first!!!! He is EVIL!!!! he has no sympathy and no regards for your feelings. I thought we were perfect for each other but he used me and played with my emotions. His true self/identity is hurtful, arrogant, selfish, and CRUEL!!! I’m glad, grateful, thankful he found another supply/woman/source. He can never love no one but himself! I regret meeting him! The only thing I want in 2015 is to recover from his disrespect and humiliation and move emotionally stronger than ever from this horrible past!
niria quiroz i feel exactly the same…. I’m going to share my story here in hopes to help myself and others. we met online i was dating another and i was just playing a game on the page and he messaged me.. omg he was so darn cute i thought. i became single and we chatted about a month before he agreed to meet me i had told him I’m not going to text and talk forever because i felt he was procrastinating . we met at the mall… i tell tou it was love at first sight… sparks flew everywhere… we had what i call a perfect date.. than i asks where did you park oh he said i didn’t tell you my license suspended.. hmm noooo you didn’t. first red flag… he was also moving but never invited me to old place second red flag.. he was my age but looked at least 10 years older i google his info only to find he was telling truth.. that wasn’t suppose to be day that i found out about his mile long heroin arrests and that he was on drug court and lived in half way house until he moved to where he finally let me go and he kept calling our place… everything was….sweety, if you want blue we get blue. whatever made =me happy he wanted it was a complete mirror but i didn’t know…the way he loved me i thighs omg nobody ever loved me like this the is REAL LOVE… that stare omg that stare… would pierce right through me.. id look away thought it was so intense how much he loved me.. he’d ask is it creepy? id say no but soo friggin intense..towards end before discard. id be able to look into his gorgeous eyes (they were gorgeous)and he say oh you’re comfortable now i can tell you’re not looking away.. almost like he was now done with me… all my wants needs desire were his… he did have money and a lot of it so that never was an issue…. as matter fact offered it to me and spent a lot of it on me… he’d say i don’t want you to have any desires you’re my everything and everything is you. oh and the intimacy was off the charts… he was incredible and told me i was the best he ever had and it took him forever to find me… id think he was joking when he’d say we should streamline live porn get paid for what we love to do… he’d talk about he choke hold which i know nothing about… he’d text me and say you don’t mind my hidden cameras that i had last night… than say id never do that. he’d say no need for you to work stay here and we will wire your kids money, they’re teens they will be fine.. now i know he was NOT JOKING! he also told me from day one about his ex who died of some bone disease this ex was charged along with him in most of his arrests. I never believed in my gut she was dead another red flag and now pretty sure she’s alive…he was here from california he said due to work but who knows really why he’s here.. he had no ‘real friends” just friends form the meetings..i never met anyone i felt bad for him thinking omg he’s alone… he told me about month in that he goes to meetings for AA hasn’t had a drink since he was 21 (originally told me don’t drink made him sick) he had to go to meetings because it was mandated by the courts or he’d go to prison. ( i found this out because at fist when he discarded me i wanted answers so i investigated further ) our relationship flowed like a river it was perfect he was my dream man my soulmate. my every desire come true… he was charming sexy and promised me the world..hed say you wanna get married… than we will whatever you want i want if you’re not happy than i won’t be happy…he.bought a plane ticket with my name on it $1000 we were suppose to go is it his family for easter. thank goodness he only met my older daughter…. because he pushed to meet all three my kids and that they would love him.. he’d say everyone loves me you’ll see….( my older daughter met him twice and said mom somethings not right and he defeintly has drug history and she noticed track marks) at same time when he already started to text different calls were less …. i confronted him over texts and calls my discoveries… he’d say i told you not to do that… not to go on internet its a bad thing to do..( he had told me internets have lots of lies and we shouldn’t use it to investigate other) i had no idea thats why he was telling me not to go look..he denied everything, not once admitting he was a heroin addict on drug court or that prior to his new place he was in halfway house… i never even got to ask because he denied ever being arrested said someone stole his license the drugs were his gf son he’s in jail i should look him up, he’s doing ten years, gives me his name,,,,.he told me youre opening a lot of old wounds you’re putting salt on the wounds… he made me feel like this was my fault… meanwhile he already had his new victim….. i knew it i felt it whole time but he wouldn’t let me go completely he’d say its not over i need space to sort things out you brought up old shit ( last arrest was january 2014, a little over year , thats old???) he’d add i love you and you mean the world to me . i had no closure. i hostly thought he relapsed and felt so bad that he wasn’t reaching out asking for help… i texted and called few times because i was so worried that if something happened he’s alone and i needed to let him know i was there… oooo he probably was loving every bit of it…i hung on than again looking for answers i went on Facebook. we are not friends there my choice… i again looked at his page all was same… something made me look at the likes on his picture once again and this time i notice he was in someones profile picture and i clicked on it there it was right in front of my eyes his new victim… at first it was relief some sought of closure and she wasn’t prettier like that matters??? than few days later he adds in relationship with… said person using a date that he was also with me…. that confirmed all i ever suspected. . i blocked him on Facebook yesterday I’m slowing blocking him everywhere… but its a start… its only been 5 weeks since discard…. my heart still aches, i hate to say but i miss him and do not like admitting that at all… but now i know. i was dealing with a sociopath…and the whole mirror stage was me so i fell in love with myself… I’m kickass!!! thanks for listening.. this page has helped me sooo darn much…. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
ps. im also in process of finding a therapist… anything not to give him another thought…
I can’t imagine why anyone would contemplate doing this…he’s left me feeling bereft.I just miss his presence so much.foolishly I went to see him yesterday and it was like the sun was shining again..ridiculous I know.It’s like he’s an addiction for me,and I’m struggling to go cold turkey.I know he’s been dreadful to me I can see all he’s done but gosh I miss him…..
I know exactly how you feel. The sociopath I was with told me horribly cruel things yet I still love him. They are like parasites who stay stuck to your skin. I pray every night to get over this.
are you spiritual at Angela? As there is a way, but it isn’t for everyone. It is to ask Archangel Michael to cut the chords that bind you. Visualise a sword, cutting every single connection between you and him. Visualise it, and cut it free. This has always worked for me. Although I appreciate that it isn’t for everyone.
i feel completely the same.. i wanna stop thinking of him….
It’s an addiction
https://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/04/the-relationship-with-the-sociopath-is-over-so-why-cant-you-let-go-take-me-to-your-drug-dealer/
positivagirl….addiction is a great word… he’s like a drug i craved even though he discarded me like old panties… not use no value…
😦 😦 but I hope you know your worth. He Has no power and is nothing. Nobody which is why he has to play victim and steal the persona of other people.
Some of you will remember a few of my posts from last May. I had left, and was in so much pain after moving an hour away to another city where I have no family or friends, but moved to help my adult son because of the double standards in the house with my “ex” and his son.
I had no contact with my SOC, until slowly it started happening, and his started charming me with the “plans”…his son getting his help, my son getting mine, and that we could make it work on weekends. I wanted to believe him because I love him.
A few months after moving away, my son ended up being on his own, and the SOC son got his direction, moved back to moms and hasn’t stayed at dads since. Almost a convenient “plan” that was hatched to get me to start over all again.
During that time, the stress took it’s toll, and I ended up losing my job. Add to that the weekend travels back to SOC’s house (the man who proposed to me and married me in 2013 but that sad part is he never finalized his divorce and we could only have a commitment ceremony).
So…time for lease to be up soon, and me to make a move back. I thought things were going so well, that perhaps he had gotten on medication although I can’t find any in the house but vitamins. I mentioned us starting over fresh, in a new home in BOTH our names (so he can’t threaten to pack my bags and so I have equal say in what goes on in my house). He said he wasn’t ready. I calmly stated if he wasn’t ready, it was time to move on as he’s wasting my time (we’ve been together 4 years). Then he used my cats as an excuse, expecting me to part with my two geriatric cats who have been with me since kittens. Unfair? Unfair is the fact that he had 5 cats once living with another woman, and my 2 are darlings who are clean, cuddly, and old.
It’s one excuse after another, which tells me he’s only been stringing me along to get what benefits him, typical of a sociopath.
Now…I have no job, live in a strange city with no friends, and my lease is up in 2 months and I’m trying to figure out where to go and what to do. I’ve always been self sufficient, and independent so I’m “OK” financially, but my head and my heart are so messed up right now,
I told him we would discuss it for the final time this weekend, and then it will be time for me to move on. I told him I would be over Friday. HE says, come down Thursday and we’ll go to the movies. HELLO! He’s toying with my emotions and obviously not taking me seriously when I say this is it…after 4 years we move forward together FINALLY or it’s over…and he wants to go to the movies?!?!?!?!?!
I feel like I’m losing my mind!
I still feel like I’m losing my mind however this past weekend I packed up the rest of what I still had at his house, and deleted him from all forms of communication.
I know in his mind, he thinks “I” am having a snit, and he still has a picture of us on his fb profile page. I will not go back, ever. This I can finally say for good. He is still “legally” married to someone else (after he was supposed to get a divorce so we could marry). They enable each other. He supports her financially in all aspects of life and she lives down the street. His kids are absolutely rude to me (because I left before), and now, looking back I recall how they talked about the ex before me. Things are becoming more clear.
I have become a shell of who I used to be, and I can’t fully blame him because I allowed myself to believe this sham of a life he had me thinking we would have together. But I am done. I finally see the pattern, and I finally see him for the cold, heartless, self serving narcissistic sociopath that he really is.
I pity the poor soul who gets caught in his web in the future, but I’m thankful I only put 4 years of my life into it. I’ll be stronger in the end. I’m already stronger for stopping the insanity.
Thank you so much to all who have offered me support, and I offer the same to you. Together, male, or female, we will become stronger individuals over time.
XO
Hey LA Confidential, please do NOT blame yourself. You say that you allowed this to happen. No you didn’t. Did he tell you he was a liar and a con man when you met him? Did you get emotionally involved because he had told you this? Did you get what you signed up to?
No.
Therefore this isn’t your fault. Even if you stayed after you knew, you didn’t walk into it knowing.
You gave 4 years of your life. That is a long time. Think of things you could build if you put that much energy in, in 4 years, that is four years of your own life wasted, by his pathetic game playing.
I really get about becoming a shell of who you are. I am there right now too. I go from that, to confusion. But that is what they do to you.
I just wanted you to know, that sadness, I have the same. I am going to get up, rise up and and keep building….
Without him in your life, you can build and you can grow. I think the truth is painful so we avoid it. Its easier to avoid it… than accept it.
But you are on the way in the RIGHT direction, rather than going around in circles. Now you can move forward.
@LA Confidential, English is not my first lsnguage, so I will try to explain me, hoping you can understand it…there’s a time that we need to do things that we were postponing (just waiting to something to happen or just waiting to someone to make it happens), now you have the chance to make a decision. You really know what’s the best decision for your life and as I and you know, returning to your sociopath it’s not the decision. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, it will never be enough for him. So please don’t fool yourself and let another 4 years go to the waste….maybe it’s time that you, amd only you take a decision.
You are absolutely right! I’ve been doing allot more reading and meditation and the BEST thing for me to do is to plan to make my move back to the city where my family and friends (and support systems) are, and be done with it. I see things very differently now (always wondered about the collection of his exes as friends) but now I see he’s doing exactly the same thing to me, and I will not play this game with him. I am keeping my emotions out, and my new game-plan is to get my ducks ready and take off for good without him being able to contact me anymore. But it hurts like hell and I feel I’ve been made the biggest fool.
You are soooooo right to leave! He is a full blown sociopath (is there any other kind?). The thing that matters is that you get away! You are so fortunate you never married him; that would not have given you more safety or control, but would have given him more legal access to all your money and everything or anything you own.- It would have made you more committed emotionally – which would have meant far more harm.
He is doing the only thing he is capable of doing. He has no care, concern, love, kindness, empathy for any one or anything. Any concern is an act. Sociopaths mimic our emotions of caring. They don’t feel any.
Run, girl, run.
LA Confidential, yes it hurts…a lot…but sometimes the best proof of love that we can give to ourselves is to say NO.
I like this 🙂
This website is just so true, I read bits here and there and its like OMG that is so true, that happened too, and that and that… whats worse is I actually believed this was normal behaviour and thought it was me. I believed this is what a relationship was like, its hard to get out of that mindset but reading this site it is making me questions so much…
To cut a long story as short as I can I was in a relationship with V for 9 years. Its odd three years ago he lost his job, he lied and pretend he was going to work etc. and then got a chest infection and was poorly so didn’t go to work, and had hospital appointments etc… this was all a lie, I found a letter with his P60, of course I confronted him but he’s a guy with pride. He convinced me that the reason he didn’t tell me was he was embarrassed etc. We hard a hard few months and as he was a contractor when he was off sick he didn’t get paid so I had already supported us for 4 months before I found out. When you love someone you are there to help and support which I did for a few more months, paying for everything, lending him money etc to go to interviews, keep his car running etc. We broke up for a bit, I said some things and he struggled to get over it, but I tried to get back together. He still wanted to be friends and I was still lending him money and then I gave him a choice, we either try or I have to completely walk away… so he said he’d try again.
It felt perfect a fresh start, he got a job we did relate and within 4 months it was better than ever. He initially started to pay me back some of the money and then excuses came in with care problems etc but we were together and it was our problem so I carried on paying the debts on cards I had put on to get us through his job loss (he couldn’t get credit as apparently ‘LIE?’ his wife put debts in his name so it was all on mine and I had all the cards). He worked away and I had a house so he would rent a room and come back at the weekend, like many people did who worked from home, he changed jobs and started working in 18months ago in London, rented a room in a shared house for cheap and came back weekends.
Fast forward 3 years from when he lost his job, he started to become stressed and said he was suffering from depression as he was worried about his job again, contract coming to an end and everything. I was there (he had suffered from depression before when he lost his job and went on tablets but not for long as they made him into a zombie).
Then it began, he stopped coming home at weekend, said he was depressed and didn’t think it was fair on me coming home and being in a bad mood. 2 months earlier we got a puppy and kitten ( a big thing for me as it was a commitment with him). I was there for him, when he wanted to talk, when he wanted space etc. Then he hurt his back and couldn’t drive so didn’t come home, then he had to work one weekend. Said he had so much on and was so stressed, by this time his contract had ended but they had offered him a permanent job. I went to see him in London for the day, I couldn’t stay as he didn’t feel comfortable with other people in the house and with the puppy it made it hard, all feasible.
Then little things would happen, i would ring and he would never answer and said he had taken painkillers for his back and it knocked him out, or he felt depressed and went to sleep. He was the victim he played the victim and I did everything I could to be there for him, as you would with someone you have been for 9 years. Then he said he had to move out the flat as they were selling, more stress so I helped him look for a flat, somewhere were we could be together as I also worked in London. The money became and issue, he didn’t have any, so I asked a member of my family and said he would pay back each month, London flat not a small amount, so he got lent the money and surprisingly got the flat (despite rubbish credit)
Then it seemed he had been chatting to a girl, initially he said form work, in this day and age the internet not difficult to find out.. she wasn’t from work. A few weekends were cancelled after he got the flat, was stressed and thought going out with lads would help him feel better worried about where his life was going etc, again i was there. One weekend I saw some post the dog had chewed, bank statements to expensive restaurants and gifts at Tiffanys, I was broken.. so I confronted him and I was made to feel bad that I have even assumed anything… i found out more after that, flowers at Valentines day, meals out, weekend with each other when he was supposedly depressed in his flat. I confronted him and he said it made him feel better, maybe I also put words into his mouth as I stlll believed he was going through a hard time.. made him feel better about himself, spending money was like he was okay etc. However not the weekend after he has borrowed money from my family for a flat and said how worried he was paying the bills about £440 in the weekend after the borrowed money was out in his back.
Then i got a text after another week of him needing space, which was hard knowing what I knew, and he ended it said he was a nasty person and didn’t know where his life was going etc and it wasn’t fair on me etc … played the victim but he didn’t see me.
It took him three weeks for me to convince him to see me, said he’d feel guilty about seeing me and me being upset etc, after 9 years. Things started to fall then, an anniversary concert gift he took this other girl etc
He wouldn’t come and get any of his stuff and it all got to much for me I was doing everything to help and then bang I found out he had gone on holiday with her, less than a month after he ended it and explained how he lost his mojo couldn’t be in a relationship.
I have since found out he had been seeing her no less than 6 months before the end, lying where he was, told his work colleagues we were friends, that I was his ex. His flatmates the same… hence why I never stayed, he’d been on dates before Christmas and meeting this new girl, going skiing when he was in bed with a bad back… but he played the victim, he borrowed money from my family for a fancy flat whilst seeing someone else, and not a penny has been returned.
We have heard nothing, no contact at all, I sent emails to him and her and but nothing, I’m sure its all lies. We went to court and got a CCJ for money owed and I am still trying to get that back, borrowed in March 2014. He abandoned the flat, used my address for a variety of things and has now moved in with her and probably done the same as me… said I wracked up debt in his name and have caused a CCJ against him.
God knows what lies he has built about me, it is like he went away to get the paper and gone, disowned everything and left to start a new life he had already built. My family and friends who have been nothing but support to him for 9 years just dropped. Now I have debt collectors at the door for things he has ignored…
This site helps but it never stops you thinking is any of it true, was any of it true and what lies are happening about me now. I have gone through a year of hell, tablets 6 weeks off work and only starting with baby steps to rebuild but I have not had closure, one thing I have always said, please sort stuff out so I can move on, but no not even that. I also said if your not happy leave but he never did that. Whilst he had a great year and living the high life it will take years for me to recover and now it looks like its happened before too you just feel stupid.
Hi Northern Star, I am in the UK too, (southwest), thank you for your comment. Your comment really touched me. It really spoke out to me too. What you are describing, sounds very similar to what I experienced too.
How hurtful it is at the end, after everything that you went through, after everything that you did for him, he treated you in this way. It makes you feel used, it makes you question your own mind, what was true, what wasn’t. its hurtful. You will never get closure from him. He couldn’t be honest in the relationship he wont be honest after it has ended. Because he is a compulsive pathological liar 😦
I will say that this is absolutely no reflection on you. If he is a taker and a user, he will be doing the same to her. Only it will be worse. As he has learned so much from you. It says more about him than you. No, there was nothing that you did to cause this, no you didn’t deserve this, and there was nothing that you could have done to prevent it either. They are just very good at their game. To them, life is a game, and other people are simply players in the game. She is also a player in his game.
After a while, their lies get old, their patterns start to become more obvious, its easier for him to move onto someone else – apart from that they like the challenge. I am really sorry that you are hurting – it does hurt, a lot.
@positivagirl
Im so sorry you are going through it too and your words mean a lot. Its hard not to except there will be no closure or no truth its like a dream.
I found out yesterday she is pregnant, although Im not sure how far gone. Along with his persistent views of not agreeing with affairs or messing about he also said he never ever wanted kids; he’s 44 now. so less than 6 months she is pregnant. Feel I’m waiting to find out that she is over 6 months and in fact she was pregnant when we were together. All these things run through your head, did he lie about not wanting kids or wanting kids with me, what is wrong with me? I know maybe I should go to the point of thinking its unplanned and not what he wanted and karma but all i can thing is he realised how bad i was with him and now is a changed man, it is so hard. He has a daughter and always said he never wanted her until he had her.
Is this why he did a bunk? because he needs to save? its so hard its the one thing we didn’t do, not that id change now.
Hi Northernstar,
I read your last comment and hit the box to send you a reply, and the comment vanished. I have just done a search and unable to locate it!!! Aragh, am so sorry. I do recall what you have said. First of all you are NOT stupid. I know that i felt stupid, I felt betrayed, stupid and duped. How could this happen? ….
I also spoke to the ex and the ex ex, while it is shocking when you hear, because right now, you are in your own healing and recovery, it WILL help the reality to sink in. Or at least I found it did. I found that while I was still in the fog of confusion, I didn’t believe a word of it. I didn’t believe anything. I WANTED to believe that he was a good man. I know it must be incredibly painful, to think that he actually PLANNED a pregnancy with another woman, so soon after he left you. One thing that I had to come to terms with, is that the sociopath, once they are NOT with you, in their mind that is it, its over, and so they move on to another source for supply.
Remember that they like two things.
WINNING
BEING IN CONTROL
So, he meets someone else, how better to own and control her, than for her to be pregnant? If he didn’t have a child with you, but he did his previous parther….. I can almost imagine his words now to his new partner (this would be the story he would tell)
My ex wife took my child away from me, I couldn’t have her. I tried and tried, but I couldn’t have her. (in this context he might blame you for this, or the ex wife), then to add to this, he might say, ‘and the last one she wouldn’t give me a child’…. in the mix of this he will make out how he is or should be father of the year. But was denied the opportunity, and how… just how he would be the perfect person, if only he had a child…. of course you don’t know her story or background. She could have lost a child, or perhaps she had always wanted one. Remember that they mirror you, and sell back YOUR dreams to you. So I would imagine that this would be the case. He weaves a magic of lies with partial truth, to make it sound believable, and fabrics himself – as the perfect person, for whoever is in front of him at the time.
Now you are learning from speaking to his ex wife – that it sounds like everything was a lie. It probably was. And to his new partner – the same again, everything will be a lie. Of course you cant tell her this, the reason why? Is because he has already sold her her dreams right back to her. To her, he is the missing part that she has been looking for. But of course, she has a distorted mirror in front of her, one of illusion and deception.
I know that your head is spinning right now, I know that you are in the fog of confusion and hurting badly. I just wanted to tell you that how you are feeling is NORMAL. Absolutely normal. He has moved on to weave his web of deception, and sadly, one day in the future, she will likely be you today.
The best news is that, you can work on healing and recovery, and focusing on you, to rebuild your life for you. At least you won’t let you down. Hopefully one day you will meet someone who is right for you. Know that you WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN – You really will, I promise you!!
NorthernStar4, this part of your story especially resonated with me:
“…but I have not had closure, one thing I have always said, please sort stuff out so I can move on, but no not even that. I also said if your not happy leave but he never did that. Whilst he had a great year and living the high life it will take years for me to recover…”
I never got closure either and it drove me crazy. I tried reaching out periodically for years (didn’t know about the “no contact” rule or even that he was a sociopath then), and for a while he feigned being tolerant, almost ‘nice.’ But in the end, when he felt 100% secure with the new woman, he coldly told me “never contact me again.” I don’t call that closure, I call that being a cut-off bastard with no common decency who clearly didn’t feel for me what he pretended to. I was used for six years of my life, and it’s been another six years since – still no recovery. But this site helps and I’m trying, one day at a time… But closure, I’m afraid none of us will ever get – these sociopaths just don’t care enough to bother anymore, they’ve moved on as if we never existed.
;-(
Blackcat36
Absolutely blackcat https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/do-not-look-for-closure-from-the-sociopath/
@Blackcat36 – i know what you mean, hard not to reach out, maybe because we believe the best in people, treat others like you think your being treated and all that. Bless you its so hard isn’t it, and when people say to you just move on best off out it doesn’t make sense as you know its so hard. Im so sorry you are still struggling to, i guess these type of people can’t take responsibility in ruining people. Id like to believe in karma but who knows its always the decent people that get hurt
NorthernStar4 – Thank you so very much for your empathy! I loved him SO MUCH, I just still cannot believe he decided to cut me off forever. That wasn’t even a remote possibility when I met him since he said he’d never commit to anyone else. Him saying “I wish you the best in finding happiness” is such bullsh** to me!
He doesn’t want contact because it’s like holding up a mirror and showing him exactly what he’s done to a person. Nobody – not even a sociopath – likes to actually see themselves up close and personal. And you’re right: it’s usually the decent caring sensitive vulnerable people that get hurt.
In response to your story about hearing she is pregnant, OMG, that’s just like me! He always said (esp. since he already knocked up a college student now ex-wife and had a teenage daughter) that he NEVER wanted me to get pregnant! He believed in ZPG, zero population growth, so if I were ever to find that out with his new young live-in partner, I’d freak! I’m SO sorry for you, that must be hell to find that out.
Wow! It totally sucks that I can feel fortunate for having a miscarriage but hearing your stories confirm that God was looking out for me and the twins….I can not imagine the horror of having to deal with the father for the rest of my life. I have a clean break and that is the best for me and the kids.
Hugs Brianna, my daughter was born sleeping 5 years ago 19th jan. Her father had zero inside of him, you know it is something that i often wondered….
@Carmen, I’m sure that you know what will happen next. The cycle never ends unless you finish it.
In my case no matter what I do, no matter what I said, for him it wasn’t never enough. For him it’s a never ending game where he is the only one who knows the rules- that never applies to him- the only one who knows it is a game. Be true to yourself, is that your story too? From my experience, it will go worse, not better. Please, don’t lose more time on something that doesn’t give you happiness. You deserve better!
Obtaining a lower tolerance for bullshit is an awesome thing and one of the very few perks…
Karma will come back around!
It’s been 2 months with NC and Im back in a good well payed job (which my ex wouldn’t let me apply for as I had a lot of friends work at the company) they gave me a brand new 20k car 🙂
From him taking everything I’m now back on track feeling happy buying nice things for myself. Moving into a new home, Talking and trusting men again! Making new friends. While he is probley still jobless living with another woman telling her fake stories to scrounge off and feeling no real emotions sad! Real sad 🙂
Be positive stay strong
Oh alice your comment made me smile. Well done you. I love this comment
Just broke up with him (the beginning of December)..luckily i only stayed in that relationship for four months! He first approached me saying that he is about to break up with his girlfriend (out of 11 years ) and asked me to go out with him but although i was really attracted to him at first place (amazingly handsome, 34 years old, lawyer etc.) i said no because i didnt want to get into trouble..a week or so later he approached me and told me that they broke up so we went out on a date (even though i knew that he was probably liying about the break up thing) ..so we started dating but i told him that because i didnt trust him , our relationship would only move to the “physical level” only until she moves out of the house..but until then we could date and get to know each other..From our first date he would speak to me like no other guy has ever spoken to me! He was so amazed of how beautiful i am and that by the first time he saw me he felt something different..he even told me that he was in love with me and he was picturing us having children..we were going out only for 10 days and he met my sister and brother in law but it didnt go well..he wasnt very friendly ( i was shocked actually cause until then i was sure that he would be with them just like he was with me..but it was the first sign of his aggressive behavior..my brother in law told me that he was lying to me, that he had another relationship and that he was furious because he couldnt get to sleep with me..so he had taken ti personally, like a challenge..on the other hand, he hated my sister and brother in law..he told me that he was a jerk and in a kind way he told me that my sister had a shit heart..and all this mostly because we are religious and he is an atheist and he claimed that they didnt want him because of that..he even cried in front of m,e telling me all these beautiful words like: “i cant believe that the girl of my dreams will reject me cause i am an atheist..i am dreaming of us in our bed with our kid sunday morning and you are telling me that you will have to go to church and miss all these beautiful moments?”)…so by that night i was upset with my family that they were so close minded and because of them i would lose the perfect guy that came to my life..so i stopped taking their advice about my relationship..actually, i stopped telling them anything about it..and of course, with his behavior he made it clear to me that he wouldnt like to see them again..the days were passing, and one day he asked me to go for the weekend at his cottage and i denied it! We had a big fight there but i told him that i wouldnt move from what i had first said..so he got so upset and told me that he would need to go alone to his cottage for that weekend so that he would think whether he wanted to jump straight into a relationship again (after 11 years of not being single) …that weekend we talked more than 12 hours on the phone!! It felt like it was teenage romance..but when he came back, while he was kissing me and loving me he told me..well my ex called me and asked me to give her another chance!! (Now, i know why he said this..i now dont believe he ever broke up with her or event intented to…and because he wanted to get physical with me but i had set these boundaries, by saying this to me he thought that i would react like any other woman that in order not to lose him, i would do ANYTHING to keep him..and this was sex!) But i reacted the opposite way! i laid back and had a fight..went that night home and was ready to tell him next day that i would break up with him, i would give him1 month in order to decide what he wants..but he first called me at midnight and came to my house to tell me that he chose to follow his heart and that today he told her that they couldnt have another chance cause he is in love with another woman..i was sooo happy!!! i was feeling the luckiest girl on earth!!! i couldnt believe that he chose me instead of her! He was so in love..he even started making plans for vacations..where should we go this summer?etc..everything was great BUT i still told him that i needed her first to move out of the house..and he told me that this time that he was clearer to her about their breakup she would find quickly a house to move out..Two days later we were at that cafeteria, being in love, kissing, telling me that i deserved Him, i deserved his love, that i was such a special person..and then SHE came!! She stood above us, shacking her head..she told me : i wish that someone will do the same thing you do to me..and then she told him: Is that the way you throw 11 years of our relationship to the garbage? Why do you fool her???..and she left..he was shocked!! He asked me to leave the cafeteria and that we would talk on the phone the same night..but he only contacted me 2 days later cause he said he needed time on his own cause he was so shocked..he had never seen his ex acting that crazy..of course these two days i was in pain, i was wondering what was he doing..i knew that something was wrong there..but i was in love and i wanted eveyrthing he had said to me to be real!! He was a jackpot!! anyways, i believed him cause i thought she only came because he had told her about my existance the previous night and she wanted to see that other woman..when i asked him why did she say:why do you fool her?? he told me she said it cause she wanted to ruin what we had..our love!..he also told me that she asked him three favors..one of them was that i wouldnt go into his house until she had fully gone!!. (which promise he did break cause i went to his house a week b4 our final breakup).so i was feeling sorry and i said..ok..i can understand..so we keep dating without the physical until she finally moves out…few days later though, his sister gave birth..so he took me to the hospital and i met his sister, his mother, his brother in law and other family..his mother was so kind..she told me that she knew that her son would make the right decision..so, i believed that he was actually telling me the truth and so accepted his offer to go to his cottage!!!..we were so in love! Everything was perfect! we would spend hours and hours together, everyday on the phone!!..few weeks later though he told me something unexpected..that his ex (until this time she was satying at friends houses) would come and stay 2-3 times a week at his house!!!..and guess what! I had to take it all in, cause he was sincere..so he wasnt lying!! I knew that this was not normal, but i kept telling myself that time will show..he cant keep lying forever.. until that morning that he got frustrated with me cause he came to my shop and instead of saying Hi to him from the time he entered i kept talking to my client and after i finished with the client i went to kiss and hug him..Οh! he also got upset cause i first gave an ashtray to my client and then to him!! He left the shop really furious! He made me feel like a whore! That it was my fault..(it was saturday morning)..he wasnt answering to my phone calls or txts..sunday came and i was started thinking about his reaction that it was illogical!..and said to myself, that if he is disapeared for the whole sunday and contacts me again on Monday for that stupid reason..he would propably need and excuse so that he would be away from me the whole weekend..i texted him again, never got an answer until i decided to go by his house..i texted him that i was going to his house so that we solve the problem..and suddenly he answered me back..he told me not to go and that he wouldnt open the door and i told him..why??Is she there? And he said yes! (but remember??he had told me that she was going..i hadnt caught him lying to me!)..and i told him that it would b a great opportunity for her to tell me that all of what he was telling was real!..he said..r u crazy? She hates you! she thinks u r responsible 4 our break up..she will kill you..anyways…we talked, we had a huge fight..i was asking him to delete her from facebook so that he proves me he is saying the truth (my account was deactivated all this time) and he kept telling me..i maybe not be in love with here but i have already broken her heart for leaving her..is that so important for you to make her feel even worse??..i was swearing at him, he was swearing at me and i decided to facebook this woman and tell her everything..with details so that he wouldnt be able to lie to her again about me and make everything ok again..so i told her details like ex. where were you last wednesday? Cause u werent at your house..i was with him having sex..and if you dont believe me the house is like that, with these furniture etc..I didnt tell him i did that and meanwhile he convinced me again that he was real, and that the person i fell in love for was real and not fake!! and that in a month he would prove to all that he is not lying!!…i decided not to tell him anything about what i had done so that i would make sure what was goiing on..and the time came a few days later that she read the message..he called me and started swearing at me..you whore, you piss of shit, you have a shit soul you broke that womans heart!!! etc..it kept going..he kept calling me calling me names, making me feel the worst person on earth for breaking her heart, that i dont deserve his love and he was so wrong about me!! He was threating me..he came 3-4 times by my shop to call me names and threaten me..the last day i saw him, he first called me to tell me that we was telling me lies all this time and that he would never love me..he could never love me! He only loved her and compared to her i am nothing!..half an hour later he came by the shop to tell me that he was telling me the truth all this time, that he HAD broken up with her and that she would move out a few days later but I screwed everything up!!..I told him to leave!!!!and that if he ever thratens me again i had a friend in the police who knows his name, address etc.so he left..and an hour later he came back..for the first time he was sobber..he told me that he didnt mean what he was saying cause he was angry and thats why,..and come on..admit it! It was wrong what you did..and he had the nerve to ask him to make him a cup of tea to talk..i was so shocked at that time by this confusing behavior..i asked him to leave and never come back…after the breakup 3 days b4 chirstams he texted me “by accident”..i got a text that was supposed to go to his friend..i knew that he was a coward and he did on purpose but i didnt break my non-contact!!.. (a month later) i decided to activate my fb account again so that i can see what would he do..and handt deleted me all this time that i was deactivated but once i activated it , in two hours, he had deleted me! But he still had her as a friend..so i blocked him!..my parents told me that he knew that this would upset me and he did it on purpose so that he would break my non-contact way!!..3 days ago i texted him and told him: i was right for everything! and he texted back: excuse me? who is this??..i told him:you know!!…and he didnt answer me back…at that time i decided to unblock him so that i can see how much he searches for me and thinks about me..and yes! He was..he blocked me back!! He noticed that i unblocked him?? How???..so i texted him again telling him that he is funny and worths nothing..and he kept texting back that he doesnt know who this is..he didnt call me (cause it was sunday night and was propably with her),,but Monday morning(next day) he called me from his office ..i didnt answer..he called me again..i didnt answer..i knew that he knew it was me! and i knew that he was calling to pretend to see who was it and to start conversation with me..but i wanted to avoid having a conversation with him..so he texted me back swearing to that “unknown” person who had texted him and asking who this is and that i should answer the phone..so i texted him back saying:oh im sorry..it must have been wrong number..im so sorry (if he wants to play games, i can play games also!!)…and he answered back..tell me who are you so that i can help you..and i said it was a mistake..these texts were going to a mean person with no values at all! I am sure that you are a kind person though! I dont need you help sir, my problem is solved!..and he finally said :i know that its you!! ansrwe the phone to talk..you know that you are sick and you need help??? but i bever answered it!!
Next day he emailed me telling me that he did the mistake to serach on my profile from a friends account and he saw all these articles i posted about narcisist & sociopaths and at first he thought to let me believe that he is the bad guy and i am the good girl he did wrong BUT he told me..dont forget! I am the one who had a great relationship with a great woman for 11 years(!!) and you are the one complaining that men want you only for sex..do you wonder why?? Maybe because you dont worth anything more? You dont need to look on the internet to understand my character..let me tell you who i am..i want trustworthy people, with a good character and good value and not shit people with no ethics!! you could never be my girl (you dont deserve it) not even to come and clean my house you dont deserve!and..come on!! Do you think you are a “trophy” ???Give us a break!!!
And i am asking you!! Do you think i did wrong?? Do you think i was a bad person sending that message to that woman??(cause he insists that he did break up with her and I broke her heart and i am heartless)..is he a sociopath??? I still miss him and if i knew that he was lying to me it would be easier for me to move on..but now i have all these second thoughts:what could have happened if i hadents send this to her? Would she move out of the house? Would we still be together? Maybe he is not sociopath and he was real and it was me i failed him?and he hates me cause i have bad manners?
Hi Vanessa, No this is NOT your fault. I know that you are asking yourself all of these questions. No you are not the bad person here, your sister and brother in law saw straight through him. They saw through his facade, and being able to read people, he KNEW that they had seen through this facade. They hate that, when people see straight through them. Dont listen to his words. About how he had a great relationship for 11 years – yes, so why split up then? And then to deflect that onto you, as a sense of your self worth. That is rubbish. You ARE worth more than this. You have people in your life who love you, for you. He couldn’t handle that. I can tell you this, as he works in law – there are PLENTY of Narcissists and Psychopaths in the legal profession!! Please don’t beat yourself up, whatever you would have done likely the outcome would have been the same. He is an asshole and you deserve so much better.
Ah, the justification stage. I think you have to stick with what’s true. He was stand-offish and rude to your family. A good, decent, worthy man (who was burdened by the truth) would’ve been trying to impress them, not push them away.
He was completely unsupportive and invalidated your feelings at every opportunity. Why? Because he could always return to the wife he really doesn’t appreciate much either. He is a selfish, self-interested child.
Was it bad form for you to tell his 11-year partner? The question I ask myself here (since I would’ve done the same thing) is, were you going to get at the truth any other way? I think you already knew he was a hopeless liar and this was confirmation. That he was skilled enough to twist even that big of a confrontational trainwreck is only further proof of his manipulative personality.
Honorable people don’t do all this. You got pushed. You behaved crazy later because you stayed too long. Mind you, I’m not blaming you; we all have done it. They are crazy and make us crazy. He is toxic. Normalcy simply isn’t a by-product of prolonged toxicity exposure.
Would you still be together if you hadn’t taken your opportunity to expose him? May be. And that’s not a good thing, because it would mean you would only be in the dark for longer.
Run. You can, and will, do better.
Brilliant comment, THANK YOU Scarlett!! 🙂
All this time i was hoping that this girl (after my message) would have left him and at least i ruined his cozyness…but i found out through fb that this friday they r going to the same music concert which means either they never ever broke up or they broke up for a while and he got her back again!! Why is he so obsessive into having her in his life?? Why didnt he try so hard to convice me that he cant live without me (cause i think this is what he has said to her)? Do you believe that he is happy? Happy with her? When he spends time with her? Is he going to try to do this with me…coming back to my life?? Or she is the one that he is abusing all the time??…i feel sad for both of them..when i was with him he had told me that now that he is with me he understands that all these years he was just compromising with her..because he was afraid of staying alone! Do you think that if i kept believing his lies, that he indeed was planning to break up with her and i would take her place but first he wanted to make sure that i was a “safe” choice like she was??? Otherwise, i cant understand the part he met me to his sister and mother and his mother told me that she knew that her son would make the right choice!!! Did they know about his lies?? Was all his family lying to me??? This is just too much to understand!!
Vanesssa…..sounds like he could be a sociopath. there see a few things he said/did that I have read from others who have been in a relationship with Sociopath.
The good old “I have been in a relationship for blah blah years” is something kind of similar to what my Sociopath said. my sociopath told me not to ruin my next relationship and to listen to his advice cause he was married now while I wasn’t (he got married while I was in a relationship with him. I didn’t officially know there was another women and I was around before her). I found it offensive at first then I thought “well, I wasn’t in a relationship or married cause I was dedicated to our relationship and wasn’t cheating.” they say this kind of stuff to make us feel worthless and that it confirms what they say to us.
Stay no contact. I have been no contact for a while now. It was a huge struggle at first but I am a lot stronger and a lot better because of it. Nothing was your fault and they make us crazy but we can fix our craziness (with time), they never can.
I think 11 years is a long time to be with someone. To her, it signifies history, commitment, and somewhere in there, love, she hopes. To him, as you point out, it signifies safety, a place to always land.
We don’t know what he says to her to “fix” the situation, but in 11 years, you can bet he knows the formula! Why didn’t he pursue you harder? He isn’t sure you’re safe. You’re volatile, maybe even smarter than him. What a threat to a controller.
Would he have dropped her if you had fallen into line? I don’t know. Mine told me on more than one occasion that there would be no “long-term-wife/live-in” (I still don’t know if they are legal or common law) if I would “step up, and stay”. That’s how he put it. To me, it meant, if I would fall into line and do as told, overlook his secrecy and five thousand other things I wasn’t prepared to live with.
But, to be authentic, we have to admit, while it’s tempting to want to set ourselves up as the Gold Standard and the other woman as the fool, who really knows the mind of the sociopath? Even they don’t. And he could be prepared to say anything to get you to do what he wants in the moment.
I do think they are risk analysis evaluators, but they also seem to glom to the path of least resistance. I just don’t think they have standards. I don’t think that necessarily makes the other woman lesser, we all want to feel loved, special, and that we’re “the winner”, but that she will stay throughout what he/they obviously know is a lot to ask of anyone must tell them something that gives them comfort or reason to continue.
I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s not worth the mindshare for us to try to figure it out further, in my opinion. I think we can determine what we want, and don’t want, and be satisfied that he/they are not it. If she wants to “win” in this way, that’s up to her. As you are now aware, it’s really only losing.
Always love your advice. Everytime its spot on, accurate, intelligent, thank you!
” if I would fall into line and do as told, overlook his secrecy and five thousand other things I wasn’t prepared to live with.” hahahaha..thats soo true!!! And they make you feel like you are jealous..he even emailed me after a big fight we had telling me that i was supposed to blindly trust him and that he shouldnt need to assure me everytime he tells me in the future that he leaves for 3 days trip for a court that he is saying the truth…and that i shouldnt go around asking people whether he is lying or not! That he was disapointed with me because he broke up with a woman to end up with a girl who has many insecurities because she thinks that all men are assholes and that he should be obligated everytime i questioned him to prove me that he is not an asshole?? he said excpect you to blindly trust me!! So because i am tired of all this, let this one month pass, for her to move out so that i shut all peoples mouths that i am true and i will invite you for coffee to my house..so that i wont have to prove to anyone again that i am true!!…
So before this one passed i had already sent this woman a message and all these happened..he got upset with me and now we are not together because i am a bad person…but why didnt he want me still to prove me that he was right??where is he???to invite me for coffee??Instead he is with her!!
.i had told him in the very beginning (when i thought i had found my decent man of my dreams) how i was thinking less of men that wanted to have a wife and a mistress and that i would never accept to be in any position of these two and he stopped me talking,i remember, he said..shhhhh i know what you mean, but this is not happening with us…so happy at that moment that i had found him, so sad now that the man i thought that excisted doesnt exist but still miss him for what i thought he was, i still need him to prove me that he was indeed all of these things he was telling he was!! Never ever before in my life after a breakup with a guy have i felt all these confusion, sadness, loneliness i even feel less of myself because i find myself envying this woman because he desperetaly wants her into his life..she is his number one!! i envy her and and at the same time i feel ashamed of myself becoming a woman like that, a woman like all the others all this time i was thinking:they r victims..they have low self-esteem..ive become a woman envying a victim!!!???
Thank you again for your precious time!! I believe that my first step to recover is to stop talking about him to others and once the tongue stops, then the mind will follow..right?
Hello. I have read your site and it seems really silly for me. It seems like you blame your relationship problems on same made-up self-diagnosed mental disorders in your boyfriends. In fact the common factor in those relationships was YOU and it really seems like you are the one with the problem. Your site is full of false information, CAPS LOCK and paranoia. It is just harmful.
Lol harmful to WHO exactly Kuba? Sociopaths? …. Oh well… it’s helpful for victims, and that is who I write for.
You obviously never have been with a sociopath..you wouldn’t know what these people have gone through,,you can’t even recognize it..
Hi
I have a week ago left my sociopath boyfriend of 8 yrs. We met and i moved in 6 months later. Oh He was charming. But i had cought him in so many lies. And he would tell me i was making things up.I was never able to say how i felt about anything and when i did he would turn it around to make it seem, that it was my fault. i tried not to show my feelings.He didnt like any of my friends and would make negative things about them.I would secretly call them and let them know i was still here.He continually would say I said something when i knew i hadnt and after 8yrs i began to believe maybe i am saying things and just dont remember.i stayed and after his 3 rd heart attack while he was in hospital i needed to check some thing on computer where he had not logged out of a conversation he was having with a woman which was pretty ronchy.I left it on the screen and when he returned from hospital i asked him about what was on the screen. He said”I dont know what your talking about” So i showed him. He was using a different name on line. From the conversation he was planning on meeting her,if for not having his heart attack while talking to this woman Again he was the victim because his excuse for going on line was i didnt pay enough attention to him. After that incident he was caught for the second time. again his excuse was”i was just trying to make friends.
There was no way to get throught to this man that this behavior was wrong. It was my fault.
Things stayed quiet for a few weeks when he told me i should move as this stress.was not good for his heart. My daughter helped me find an apartment. He was in a rage as he thought i wouldnt survive on my own.He didnt think i would do it.
As i start to pack he grabs my belongings including furniture and throws them into the garage with out giving me a chance to put things in boxes..As i pack i am trying to see through my tears as he stops and say”WHAT DID YOU SAY”. I replied nothing. He would repeat this several times to intimidate me which at that time i was terrified.I did not dare saya word. all i knew was I had to get out of there.
My son and daughter were only allowed into the garage to move my things out.
I felt so humiliated after all the time and energy and my retirement money i had invested into his house which was suppose to be ours. but in his mind it would never be ours.
I went throught 6 months of constant harrasement from him even though i was gone. I missed taking some of my personal things there when i left which i thought i had but there was a reason he hid them. He used those items as bait. He would leave me text messages saying i could have those items but i wouldnt be allowed on his property or he would call police. Then a few days later he would say “you can have them but you need someone he knows in order to pick up items. Finally i said forget it.Keep it all.
A week later a registered letter is brought to me while I am at work
and it is his lawyer instructing me to pick up my things at his house or he will be charging me for storage fees.
Still dont have my things.
A few days later he text me to say he is typing up a letter to put on the wind shield of all vehicles of my co-workers to tell them what kind of person i am. He would block me in my parking lot so i could not leave.
My daughter and son feared for my life. One night he e-mailed my daughter to tell her i was not answering my door so she should go check on me as he told her i may have commited suicide.My daughter knew different. she had the landlord let her in and i had gone to meet a friend of mine for a drink. He made sure my entire family was involved and not one person called to see if i was okas the only information they were getting was from him and of couse he was the charmer and i was the crazy one and also a drunk as he told them.
My son and my daughter were my saving grace and my angels
He took his dating profile down right after our first date. On our second date, he said he wanted to be exclusive. And on our third date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Within a month, I had asked him to move in with me. We were talking about eloping to Hawaii and he said he wanted to have 3 or 4 kids with me. He was the perfect man, the perfect partner, and the perfect lover. We shared all the same values and goals… we even shared the same hobbies. We never argued about anything. Sometimes things he said didn’t make sense or timelines didn’t add up… but I never pushed it. I trusted him. It also seemed strange that he didn’t have any friends, that he didn’t seem to have a relationship with any of his siblings, and that he would never pick up the phone when his ex-wife (mother of his 2 children) called. He also completely ignored his mother who was pleading to talk to him. He wouldn’t tell me why he was avoiding his mom; he would only say that his parents judged him. If I kept asking questions, he would start crying. On Christmas night (after spending the day with my family) I asked him to text his mother, and wish her a Merry Christmas. He refused. I told him that if he could shut other people out of his life, I was afraid one day he would do the same to me. The next morning, he drove me to work, kissed me goodbye, and said he’d be home when I got back. But when I got home, he and all of his things were gone. He didn’t leave a note, and from that day to this, I haven’t heard a word from him. He even blocked my phone number. From start to finish, the relationship lasted 2 months. But I was heartbroken because I thought I had found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Then a few days ago, I had an hour-long conversation with his wife. Yep, turns out he’s not divorced, like he claimed. She told me that she left him because he cheated on her repeatedly, hit her repeatedly, lied about everything, and said hurtful things (like calling her fat and lazy throughout their marriage). She said he refuses to give her a divorce, and is still trying to talk her into coming back to him. Meanwhile, because of their shared phone plan, she can see that he’s already moved on to somebody new in the month since he left me. She said she doubts he has the ability to love. I’m so grateful to her for helping me find closure!! I guess I’m lucky that he left… but I’m heart sick that the man I loved not only didn’t love me… but didn’t even exist. Thank you for this website. It has been invaluable in helping me navigate the heart-ache.
Like every other person on this site I thought I had finally found my “soul-mate,” as that is what he called me. We met online and had amazing conversations on the phone and it seemed as if we completely matched, our goals, hopes, sex drive, desire for committment and family. I decided to go up and meet him at a music festival and we spent three days attached at the hip. He told me he was falling in love with me and I was so amazed that I had met a man with such a big and open heart. I love freely and easily so I naturally returned all the love I thought he was giving. He wanted to know about my past, specifically the different traumas I had been through. He would ask me to tell him in detail about the horrific things that have occured (I have PTDS) and even though they would send me into panic attacks he kept telling me he was trying to help me. He would repeat that I was giving power to these events and if he understood what had happened he would be able to care for me better. He once asked me to tell him about being raped while we were having sex and when I got uncomfortable and tried to stop held my hips and told me to face it so I could let it go. (When I confronted him about this he told me it never happened and it was all in my head – he used to say this a lot. He would say things and then when I would call them out would tell me I had been so abused I was creating more abuse in my own head to try and push him away because I was scared of being loved). He promised me that he was in this “forever,” that he wanted to marry me (we got a marrriage certificate), that he would never ever leave me and wanted to help me get better. However, he would often make incredibly cruel jokes about different things that had happened in my past and then tell me to laugh. He would say being able to laugh at these things removes their power – which I understand – but I would ask him to stop and each time he would promise he would because he understood how jokes that insult women could be hurtful. As I’m posting here it is clear that they continued. He would tell me that he didn’t think many men would ever want me, or understand me and I was lucky to have found him. He had me change my number to ensure no men from my past could contact me, went through my phone and computer and would often ask details about where I was and who I was with. He accused me of cheating frequently, which was bizarre as I was with or in contact with him all the time but I tried to assuage his fears because I knew he had a difficult past and understood how it can be hard to trust people. I won’t go into the things he said specifically as I don’t think that kind of negativity needs repeating what I will say is that I flipped out. I became self destructive, depressed and thought very seriously about if life was worth living as I allowed the things he said about me to take hold. In that way I gave over my power and he was right that I used his words to hurt me, because if I had better self-respect I would have realized they were lies and brushed them off. I’m not going to try and paint myself as perfect – I have spent the last few days writing almost constantly to him about all the things that happened, my feelings, apologizing for ways I reacted and saying I believe in his ability to grow. I need help in No Contact as I believe the best in people and do not want to let go of my belief that if he could just accept responsibility for his actions that he could grow and be the man I met in the beginning as it was beautiful. I have annoyed my very incredible friends and if it had not been for them I would have moved upstate with him, gotten pregnant and been trapped with him forever but I don’t want to keep bringing this kind of sadness near them. I would really love someone to talk to as I need help to stop talking to him (at him really – he only responds to tell me I’m crazy, a bitch, etc…) If there is anyone out there who has gone thorugh this and can give me some advice/support I would really appreciate it. I love people intensely and it hurts to have to walk away from someone you love and believe in — I’m sure everyone on here understands this– I want to get up again and smile, I know I can… I need to let go – why is it sooo damn hard?
hello,
i am 18 years old, and i have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and today his therapist told him he thinks hes a sociopath as well as a psychopath. my boyfriend is a recovering drug addict (cocaine, LSD, heroine, marijuana) and i definitely see some key signs of him being a sociopath as i read more and more articles. however there are some major things he definitely doesnt do/display, so im not sure what to do. he is not necessarily manipulative, but he also suffers from depression and bipolar disorder (he had a really rough childhood, i know…..) so most of our issues seem to stem from his bipolar disorder when he gets angry. he definitely lies and hides stuff from me, but doesnt try to deny anything if i figure it out. i know you all will say that its not genuine, but i truly do feel as though he has true emotions and is not a 100% sociopath. he doesn’t try to keep me in his life because he knows i deserve better than him, and he definitely has cried in front of me and breaks down when he realizes what he has done. ive thought about getting out before, but my maternal instincts keep me around because i care about him so much. he has genuinely improved so much in the last year, but im scared if we continue to stay together it will only lead to heartbreak in the future. also, he doesnt show any of the signs of “needing more than one woman in his life”, he barely talks to anyone and only ever hangs out with guy friends or me. can someone give me some advice? his therapist is going to start working on this with him, and he has said he wants to change…
Hi Jordyn,
First of all, away from the sociopath/psychopath your boyfriend that you are dating, really has a LOT of problems. How old is he?
You say ‘most of our issues stem from his bipolar when he gets angry? …. hang on, you are making excuses for his behaviour. You don’t know that it is his bipolar as this man has what they call dual diagnosis. This means that he has a number of complex issues.
I can tell you that this will NOT get better. It isn’t your job to fix him!! This isn’t your job. These are HARD drugs that he is recovering from. Especially heroin. Sociopaths are good at turning on the tears. Did you know they CAN actually cry REAL tears, and FAKE it? Yes they can!! They are highly manipulative and deceptive.
I beg you, please do what you can to get out of this relationship. Change, wow, change with someone like this, even with intense support, would take a LONG LONG time, and then there would likely be little change, the issues are so complex. he has so much going on. He is telling you the truth, when he is telling you that you deserve better. YOU DO. He knows he would probably ruin your life before it has began.
Really you need to get out of this relationship, and focus on you and your life. I know he says that he would be ok if you left, but believe me it is then, when he realises that you have that you will see the rage again, and the threats, and the control. Making you live in fear to leave him. DO you really want this? Do you want a future baby sitting someone? Do you want a future being controlled and eventually living in fear. Do you want him to OWN YOU. Because they do own and possess you. NO they are not all unfaithful. The one I was with with was with me, and only me. No other women. that means nothing. i am telling you these things, not as a victim, but as a person who had worked with drug and alcohol clients all of my life. It is rare for them to stay clean from drugs, and the girlfriend….. will often take up the drugs to be with him, after that comes prostitution, believe me, it is the most horrible life. I am talking from experience of working with a lot of people. Sometimes you have to take care of you, to save you. Believe me Jordyn get out now while you can. Before your life is ruined.
I’m very confused and need help please. I’ve been dating a guy for 9 months and he seems to fit all the characteristics, except for one thing. He’s very impulsive, controlling, when I’m distraught I feel my distress is invisible and he’s only concerned about being right and defending, justifying, and rationalizing so he “wins”. When I ask for space, he will blow up my phone, email, show up at my house. He’s lied and will deny it even when confronted. He’s jealous and always wanting to know who’s calling, etc. He’s told me he’s felt disconnected from people and unable to feel compassion for their problems though he claims that’s different with people he really cares about). The confusing part is that he cared for his deceased wife for over 20 years. She has Crohn’s disease and was very ill and from what he’s told me about constantly being by her side during her constant stays in the hospital and caring for her at home, it’s hard to think he’s incapable of empathy. He’s also very emotional, cries easily, and has expressed a lot of guilt over not being able to do something to save her in the end. He was adopted as a baby and told me as a baby he would bang his head against his crib to get to sleep. He tried to find his parents the day he turned 18 and was deeply affected by this too when they told him the records were sealed and they didn’t want to be found. I believe these feelings of abandonment caused much anger and his fear of losing people causes him to be very controlling. I pointed this out and he said it was made sense to him (he actually said it floored him). I’d appreciate any feedback from those here dealing with sociopaths-thank you and may God bless you all.
Hi Dana, his wife who had chrones (I understand a bit about the condition as my daughter has chrones) would make her dependent on him. In this sense, it could work for them, as she is constantly the victim, he the carer. She wasn’t going to run off with anyone else. I know what you are saying about background and childhood having a part to play with sociopaths. I agree. I have witnessed this also. The same was true for the one that I was with. HOWEVER, this site was written, prior to my return (most of it) – i did return with my eyes wide open – the thing is, that I had to leave eventually. Why? Because I couldn’t be me with him. I could only be a victim or a survivor with him. Unless you want to be a victim with no life of your own (as this is the reality) – for the rest of your life, you can’t really be with him. it makes you incompatible. The longer that you are together, the smaller you feel, and the more losses you encounter. You cannot be free, you cannot just be. You are theirs and only theirs. It makes no difference what you do, what you know, even what they understand about themselves, the outcome will always be the same. They cannot change.
Here is my really long detailed story:
I met this guy about a year ago, let’s call him Matt. My family vaguely knows his family from way back. When we moved, we saw each other 1-2 times a week at our church or going out with mutual friends like bowling, sports events, parks, etc. Im 18 & he’s 20 years older than me. I know: its a bad start. But he acted/looked young & I’ve been told I’m mature for my age. Matt was friendly, funny, very easy to talk to. He had a sort of an ‘edge’ and we would tease each other & banter a lot. He was eccentric so people got annoyed or overwhelmed by him. But I like odd people & I thought he was intriguing. He was fairy handsome (tall, thin, strong jaw line, intense blue eyes, glasses) but it wasn’t instant physical attraction. At first we talked, called & texted normally. I could tell he liked how I didn’t turn him away & that I was talkative & nice to him. No one else really took personal interest in him. We became good friends. But one day he saw me when I was dressed up & I saw him staring. It wasn’t the annoying, admiring staring that I received from guys at work–it was really intense & edgy. Later on he told me it was the first time he really ‘noticed me’ as more than a friend. He thought it was unique that ‘although I was pretty, I wasn’t superficial & wasn’t egotistic’. We kept talking more & more for a few months. He asked a lot of getting-to-know-you questions, gradually more personal. It escalated but somehow the way he said things didn’t sound strange or creepy until I looked back on it. Matt told me more about his past too: he was married & divorced really young after his wife cheated on him (causing him to ‘lose it’.) He dated a couple other girls for only a date or two; he said a lot of them were mental & he can’t even remember most of them. He wanted to settle down & was engaged a few years ago but it was ‘a mistake’ & didn’t work out. Matt’s pretty wild: he drives recklessly, goes to hundreds of sports games concerts & wrestling matches, does strange dares, & plays poker. In his family: both his parents have died & one of his two brothers is officially crazy. My parents told me the rest of his family is also a little ‘off’. Somehow this didn’t bother me but it should have. I thought craziness was an exciting puzzle. He was surprised that I wasn’t scared off by him, I put up with his strangeness & I didn’t judge him. He ‘doesn’t trust anyone’ ‘doesn’t do feelings’ or ‘open up’ because he’s been ‘burned a lot in the past’ but he trusts me & opens up to me. He’s usually a ‘grumpy & sarcastic person’ (thinks ‘people are idiots’, snaps at customers & coworkers) but he’s ‘been happier than he has been in years’ with me. He doesn’t have many close friends & is mostly alone, but he considers me his best friend. But we also agreed that even though it ‘wasn’t supposed to /shouldn’t happen’ we are definitely at the point where we are more than friends. Although that thought was a little scary, I felt that we had a bond. We made each other happy & built each other up & confided in each other. We could talk for hours & never run out of things to say. There was so much being said from both of us but especially him that I started to make a log of it just to keep myself sane (something I later realized is a symptom of being manipulated…) Matt also paid very close attention to me. Someone told me if we were talking to different people in a room full of friends he would always be checking where I was. When I would talking to him, he could tell how I was feeling even by the smallest facial expression change or by the sound of my voice…it was definitely flattering but a little shocking. Matt was also very fun spontaneous & quite the entertainer. He broke social norms. When out with getting pizza with friends he would show card tricks. When driving me around he would suddenly decide to drive up & see a view of the city lights. But he told me that he has ADD & he has to take pills from a shrink. This didn’t faze me- I knew people with ADD & it wasn’t that big of deal. (But I learned later that ADD coincides with psychopathy…) He soon visited me on my breaks at work. One time he met a creepy annoying coworker of mine who followed me around. Matt got really mad & protective so he called my work pretending to be a customer who worked in human resources & basically threatened my work saying the guy should be fired. I was actually glad he did that because the guy had been getting on my nerves. After that I was never on the same schedule with the guy & he was fired a couple weeks later. I felt protected; he always made sure I was ok & never wanted to hurt me in even the smallest ways. Although I thought he was great, I didn’t tell anyone about our relationship–even my friends or family. Somehow I had the feeling they wouldn’t approve of him or ‘couldn’t see him the way I do’ so I became secretive. One time Matt said he ‘talked to my dad’ but I didn’t know my dad told Matt to stay away from me. Matt lied & said ‘nothing is going on between us.’ We tried to stop the relationship after that, saying it just won’t work, & we didn’t talk for a couple days. In that time we were both depressed & had withdrawal symptoms so we started up again but more intensely. A few people who knew Matt noticed & told him: this is a bad idea, her dad is going to kill you, you should back off. They even tried to get him to talk to other girls but he ignored them all. Both of us brushed off any advice. I was at the point where I didn’t care what anyone thought. I was withdrawing from everyone else except him. I didn’t like hearing that this wouldn’t work because I didn’t want to let him go. I was desperate. He felt the same way & said he was big on ‘fighting for something if you want it bad enough.’ Matt told me stories about his aunt who let go of a great relationship just because her family didn’t approve & he didn’t want that to happen with us. He told me he was falling in love with me. He told his coworkers (in a joking way but he said he was serious) that he wanted to marry me! I was a little alarmed–I’m only 18! Although he only joked about running away with me, I realized he would’ve done it if I went along with him. I began to sneak around & lie about where I was going so I could be with him. I visited his work too. We were now hugging/kissing in a way we hadn’t before (I didn’t want to go further than that). But I told myself that I trust him so I would relax & he sensed it. He would pick me up & spin me around for fun. I was mesmerized by him. When I would talk to him, his blue eyes would watch me very intensely-it was flattering but now that I looked back it was a little predatory. However one day my dad found out what had been going on & angrily called Matt, calling him a creep & a liar & to stay away. (My dad is big on honesty. He’s protective & can be intimidating if he needs to be.) Then dad took my phone & told me not to contact Matt. (Somehow I felt a small sense of relief…) But I insisted Matt’s not as bad as he seems! So then dad said: Did you know he went to jail for beating up his ex wife? (I remembered Matt saying he ‘went crazy’ after she cheated.) I was so shocked but it made sense. I had known inside he was psycho but I didn’t want to see it or I just didn’t care. As a result, this created a temporary rift in my family. I had never been secretive at all & they lost trust in me. They were scared to think what could’ve happened to me. Any of my friends or family who would find out were shocked & confused & took my side. I felt so overwhelmed & blamed myself for letting it happen the wrong way. I was depressed because I lost him & he would end up all alone again. I *still* really wanted to talk to him & see how he was but everyone made sure I didn’t do that. They said he is selfish, dangerous (they warned me he could ‘snap’) & that he is ‘below me’. I knew he was–but I still really liked him & I felt like he needed me. I should’ve been scared of him but since I never personally experienced his bad side, I wasn’t scared! After a week of no contact, when I hadn’t nearly recovered, he called my work phone saying ‘we need to talk’. I was surprised he called so soon. I said ‘I’m not being secretive any more’ & he agreed. He said he’s not mad & was just concerned if I was ok–we had both been very depressed. We agreed we will always be friends but we need space especially, Matt said, so my parents could ‘calm down’. He said he won’t forget me, call if I need anything, maybe we can see each other again in a month or so. He said that despite what others assume: nothing he said to me was a lie (which may have been true but he definitely omitted things that he should’ve told me). And he said thanks for being me & for putting up with him. That was the last I heard of him & I was glad things ended in that way. Its been 2 weeks of no-contact. It’s for the best but it’s hard because I *still* like him despite everything. But then I found these articles on psychopaths/sociopaths & it describes him well! I knew he could be psychotic but the accuracy of some of this is amazing. He’s still my friend, we had good memories, I know he’s not completely evil or heartless so I’m not going to hate him. But I definitely need to be careful. I’m glad things didn’t go very far but I need to learn to trust my gut when I get a bad feeling. I realized I’m a vulnerable person (young, nice, trusting, empathetic, gives benefit of doubt, low ego) so I could easily become a victim. Also my weakness is: I like edginess in a man even if it’s a psycho edge. And I even like being obsessed over. But now I’m starting to see the real-life harm & consequences that can occur even in the beginning stages of dating someone who may be a psychopath/ sociopath.
I hope you received my email, j marie.
Right now in the Present…..
We were together 9 years with 3 children, he was emotionally abusive (thats what i THOUGHT it was back then) through finding God i gained the strength to leave. Fast forward 3 years to right now in the present. Im a mix between sad, angry, hurt, accepting as i realise hes a sociopath. 3 months ago we decided to give it another go, he was FULL ON charming, everything i ever wanted needed etc but as part of counselling (i asked church for) he came on the 3rd visit and i saw FIRST hand manipulating the counsellor, exaggerating stories bringing her to believe lies, his tears that turn on like a tap on and off ive seen many times to telling stories with a thread of truth so it implied something totally different. During our interview with her he mistakenly let slip (through a story he told her) that he pretty much tells me one thing to make me feel good about myself when behind my back he thinks nasty things of me in that situation. I was so hurt!!! and it opened the door in my mind to if he lies about this, what else could he lie about…
Fast forward a day and i started looking up how to know when you are being manipulated and so on till i found sociopaths I was seriously FREAKED OUT!!! I couldnt believe this has been what was happening to me for years!!! And EVERYTHING made sense. EVERYTHING stated in the many checklists. As i read one, i could recall a specific instance he did the exact thing, situations i didnt think were important or had relevance but in someway never sat right with me. I literally was FREAKED OUT!!
Right now im trying to progress through the stages as quickly as possible, today when i took his clothes to his place i was telling him bits and pieces about what i now realised about him. (i learnt today that i shouldnt have but) It was confusing him cause i said it like its funny- he kept holding his hands to his head saying im diong his head in then he turns and says “well youll have to find someone who will take the package” I said “whats the package” and he goes “you know you and three kids” while intensely studying my response (knowing that was one of my insecurities after we broke up 3 years ago) then during our conversation he twisted what the counselor said about me trying to make me doubt an attribute i admire about myself he goes “i wish we hadnt gone to the counselor” and i said happily “im not, shes awesome and everything makes sense now” then he goes “while you were gone she said you look too much into things” and i said “not even she said many times that she loves the way i think” “I love the way i think”!! Then as i told him the different instances i noticed something off but ignored while we were together that now all makes sense he was holding his head in confusion again then said looking at me intensely “your messed up in the head ay, theres something wrong with you” and i just laughed giving him a pat on the shoulder… (i hope im putting him off me and i think im happy that it seems to be yayy)
Im so greatful for all the knowledge ive gained from sites like this, your so right ive been scouring online daily like article after article and today felt liberating in alot of ways. Its still fresh tho and i feel likei need to refresh so i dont forget what i learn or what he does but im greatful for the previous counselling sessions i had that gave me skills to know myself and be proud of it. But again without sites like this EVERYTHING i suffered i would NEVER have known about!!!! I slowly ignored the many things that didnt make sense and always gave him the benefit of the doubt because he had a im un educated and dont know much act he played when it suited him.
A good thing thats come from this is when i was with him today i recognised when he would say something that i know is or was one of my weaknesses/insecurities, it was quite interesting seeing how he just swings it out then the freaky part is how he watches me INTENSELY after he does it, thats the scary part but luckily i was able to laugh at it today (maybe thats a coping mechanism) im getting off track but yea im able to hear through his snide digs what my insecurities are so i can realise them more fully and work on them.
THANKYOU SOOO MUCH!!!
Hi, it takes a lot of courage for me to come out in the open. But my last night’s behaviour shook me. I for the first time in my life used swear words and told my boyfriend that he is manipulative. I also apologised for it and i deeply regret it. I am not an abusive person, and I never want to be that. I am a female. A journalist. I recently quit my job as I wasn’t able to handle both my relationship and the very challenging job. I met my now fiancé on one of my projects abroad and we have been together for 1.5 years. And are in a long distance relationship. Before I met him I had a lot if friends. However, he soon started having problems with all my friends. I cannot even have a conversation with my female flatmate without him being online and listening in. He always thinks that I am a cheat and a slut and how everybody warned him against me. I really love him, and when he is sweet he is really the best guy on this earth. But he keeps digging stuff that happened in the past and blames me for cheating. Once a office colleague dropped me home because I couldn’t find a public transport. My fiancé called me during that drive and I told him that I love him and everything on the phone in front of the colleague still he blames me for what he calls ‘driving with men’. Last night I realised that my fiancé goes out every alternate night with his friends and colleagues, and it just made me so angry thinking about the unfairness of the situation, as he doesn’t allow me to go anywhere with my friends. We live in different countries and on his trip to me, last month, he shouted and screamed at me for the entire neighbourhood to hear. He kept banging my bed. I didn’t know what to do. He said I lied and cheated 31 times. He keeps repeating weird number of incidences like my driving with the colleague. In the beginning of the relationship he said he is over possessive because all his ex-girlfriends cheated on him. He also blames me for losing his job all the time. He says really weird stuff like he was the richest guy in the country and all the things which I don’t understand as they are not true.
So as last night I came to the realisation that he goes out every alternate night while I sit at home and lashed out at him and told him that this relationship has double standards and he can do everything while I can’t do anything. In response to which he broke up with me with the Whatsapp message that I am copy pasting. He sends me these abusive texts every time he breaks up and comes back. I am confused as I keep thinking its my fault. Please help and tell me if his behaviour is what is called abusive.We are supposed to get married in a few months and for that I will be leaving my country and everything . Here is the text he sent me in response of my asking on why he can go out and I can’t. Also, he is 26, I am 28 –
“I am no cheater! I won’t forgive u for what u said this morning! I am NOT what u think of me! I CAN BE TRUSTED U SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ! MY TRACK RECORD IS CLEAN YOU LIAR YOU CHEATER! I use to be afraid of losing u! now I’m just afraid of being with u. You said your last hurtful thing to me ever. I MAKE EVERY CHOICE ACCORDING TO U I INCLUDED U! I told u my every move as soon as I received the plans myself at that moment! your a fucking slut I never want to hear from you ever again! you crucify me for saying hi to 2 guys while I’m in a town 300km away? which I told u about? difference is and will always be it’s ALWAYS JUST ME AND MY MALE MALE MALE FRIENDS. WHEN DO I GO OUT ? your fucktup! I’m sick of your insults! I can’t I SHALL NOT ALLOW U TO TALK TO ME LIKE U DO! I NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG FUCKING EVER EVER EVER. I’m sick of hearing about other women! I’m sick of your fucktup threats! I’m sick of how u treated me this entire year! u tell me I mustn’t be online when u will go out? you dare tell me I didn’t save I’m not a man FUCK U WHORE you dare tell me. I ALWAYS SIT AT HOME I SAT AT HOME FOR 2 FUCKING YEARS WHILE U LIED AND FUCKED ME AROUND SLUT!!! I WONT BE WITH U ANYMORE U SHALL NOT!!! YOUR A FUCKING DEMON AND NOTHING BETTER THAN ALL MY EXES! I DONT FUCKING CARE WHAT U THINK OF ME ANYMORE CAUSE I HAD IT LIVING FOR SOMEONE WHO ONLY FIGHTS AND FALSE ACCUSES ME CAUSE OF HER OWN SINS! I AM FUCKING HEARTBROKEN AND I HAD IT WITH EVERYTHING U DO YOU NEVER CHANGED. EVERY WEEK U COME UP WITH SOMETHING FIRST ABUSIVE WHEN U FUCK UP NOW I’M MANIPULATIVE! AND I SHOULD STAND FOR THIS SHIT! YOUR A FUCKING LIAR U ARE A CHEATER YOU ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED. YOU TREATED ME LIKE CRAP! YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR ME! YOU NEVER APPRECIATED ME HENCE YOUR ACTIONS! YOU FUCK US UP U DID YOU ALONE! I stood pleaded begged explained. Control freak, psycho, fucker? FUCK U! I’m the only one who has to go through this hell to complete your desires according to your will I’m not getting anything from u except shit every fucking day! u DARE tell me you’ll get a guy your mom wants for you! YOU DRIVE WITH MEN I HEARD U NOTHING CHANGED! U LIE! I DONT WANNA BE WITH U ANYMORE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE YOUR THE WORST MISTAKE I EVER MADE YOUR FALSE!! YOUR THE MOST FALSE PERSON I EVER ENCOUNTERED IN MY LIFE YOU WONT HER FROM ME AND I HOPE TO GOD I WONT FROM U EVER AGAIN! I WANNA MORE FORWARD IN MY LIFE WITHOUT SLEEPLESS NIGHTS AND BEING SPOKEN TO LIKE U SPEAK TO ME. u only disrespect me but u expect respect! I wake up to nothing every day and the little u hold dear in my heart missing u wishing for u praying for us YOU JUST FUCK UP EVERY DAY! GO JUST FUCK OFF! I NEVER WANNA HEAR SEE SMELL TOUCH LISTEN READ ANYTHING OF U EVER AGAIN YOUR WORST THAN EVERYONE ELSE I EVER DATED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I WANNA BE SINGLE AND YES I’LL FUCKING SAY AWAY FROM SATAN SPAWN LIKE U! I HOPE U GET MY POINT CAUSE U SHALL NEVER EVER EVER DO AND SAY TO ME WHAT U DID TELL DATE AGAIN. YOU PUSHED YOUR LUCK BITCH YOU FUCKED UP! I KNEW I FUCKING KNEW NOT 1 WEEK THIS YEAR WILL PASS WITHOUT THIS SHIT IN MY LIFE! FUCK OFF NEVER EVER CALL MESSAGE ANYTHING ME EVER AGAIN I DONT CARE WHO FUCKS YOU ANYMORE CAUSE U ARE ANYWAY A FLIRT. BYE FOR GOOD I SHALL NOT FOR GIVE U FOR WHAT U SAID I SHALL NOT GIVE MY ALL TO SOMEONE WHO DOES AND SAYS WHAT U DO TO ME ANY LONGER NOT ONE FUCKING SECOND LONGER CUNT! FUCK YOU FUCK EVERYONE YOU PLACED ABOVE ME FUCK EVERYTHING I’M FUCKING GONE FOR GOOD I HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR CRAP!!!!!!!! FUCKING GIVE MY ALL FOR A LYING INCONSIDERATE SELFISH FLIRTING ABUSIVE MANUPILATIVE HELLSPAWN FOR TOO LONG!!! I HAD ENOUGH I CANT HOLD ON TO A IDEA OF U WHILE THE REALLY IS YOUR JUST FUCKTUP WITH ME EVER DAY, YOU LIE, YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!!!!
Hi Lisa, I am SO pleased that you reached out for help!!
Do you know, from your description and what you are describing you could have been dating the same person as me.
Read this…. https://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/08/the-sociopath-will-always-accuse-you-of-what-they-are-guilty-of-themself/
This is not in your head. You are not going crazy, this is what they do 😦
I recently figured out the guy I dated for 10 months is a sociopath. I found out he told really outrageous lies about many things in his past. He continues harassing me. I’ve been told he’s not physically dangerous, just emotionally, but I know he got in lots of fights when he was much younger. Perhaps he’s scared of going to jail now after spending time in jail on a domestic violence charge about 25 years ago. He claims he put her against the wall with his hands on her throat to get her to stop attacking him. He’s been harassing me, mostly by calling my phone (I don’t answer). I’m wondering whether it would be better to let him know I’m now aware of his lies or whether it will make things worse. I’ve told him about little lies he’s been caught in as far as calling, being at my house, but these lies are far bigger, like his employment history and many other things. He seems to think he can make excuses for the lies he’s been caught in so far and earn my trust back. I’d like to know whether confronting him about these other lies will help by making him realize he’s been irreparably identified as a huge liar or whether having his lies exposed will backfire on me worse. I appreciate any feedback and wish everyone here the best for healing.
Fooledagain, reply once, say do not contact me again. The relationship is OVER. If you continue to make contact with me, I will report you to the police for harassment.
It rips my soul into pieces. I am unable to collect all that is left. I look back knowing what I just gave up. What I can see is beautiful and strong. It took a lifetime to create that being.
Now I can feel the hot tears running down my face. I close my eyes pretending it didn’t just happen as I continue my journey. I make sure I am still holding my broken heart. Even though it was damaged I can still hear it beating. I can feel the desire to carry on. Every day keeps me moving forward.
I still continue to feel the sword that is left inside me. I find the strength to pull it out but only to bleed. I still hold on, hoping that I keep breathing. Even when I grasp my chest I can sense my life leaving. I am only an empty vessel waiting to be filled with the knowledge of hope. Still I have the passion inside to pull me forward.
Today I am slowly moving forward.
Hi CJ
You sound in so much pain by what you write, i wanted to send you a HUGE HUG< I promise that the way that you are feeling now. WILL get better. If someone has hurt you this much, things can only get better. By letting go he cant hurt you so much again. As long as you are moving forward, this is much better than going around and round in a crazy circle with a sociopath!!
Hi everyone, I am new here and am just looking for some advice.
My Story: 2009 I started dating my bf (I’m still with him) I thought he was truly the mans man of the century. I fell deeply in love with him. His charm, the way he talked just amazed me. He seemed almost to good to be true. Early on he became possessive. Clothes my looks even the way I leaned over to pick something up would bother him..at first I thought this was cute..look how much he cares type of thing. He would never and still never takes me out ANYWHERE in six years iv been with him and his friends 5 times. I do not no anyone he knows..I started catching him in lies a few months into our life together..but look past it. To make a short very long story short this is what im dealing with.
1. He lied and lies about his jobs and money
2. I support him money i pay all the rent (never has he helped)
3. He lies to me about things that don’t make sence…Example: He walks to the corner store to come back home and tell me some guy walked up to him and said his pants would look better on the ground and he hit him and ran home.
4. Anything or any type of story i have or anyone for that matter..he has a story to match or his was more intense.
5. He told me he payed for his ex to go to collage..come to find out that never happened.He said she slept with his friend come to find out..she was a shell of a person when they split and was faithful.
6. He left me for a week after a fight and then told me he had cancer (not true)
7. He up and leaves me all the time..tells me to eat sh*t and die. Im dead to him ect…then when i don’t respond to him he tells me he loves me..he’s sorry, look at things from his perspective (Im always at fault)
8. He lies about where he goes. Even if its as simple as going to visit his mother.
9. He recently told me that his aunt was stabbed by his uncle and that he had to leave town..for weeks he was gone..nothing on the news..to find out he was at his friends in another city.
10: He has said his brother hits his niece to me..he does not.
11. Iv just learned that he is known as a Liar! A huge liar.
12. He told me another aunt was in a car crash (she was not)
13. I mean this goes on and on…In everyday conversation he lies..you can actually see when he is starting to. Iv tried to leave him..but always come back. Summer 2014 he just left the city we live in out of nowhere..no warning nothing..came back when the leaves where falling off the trees. His sister in law told me to stay away from him..That she cannot believe a word he says..she thinks he is sick.
He is very selfish..Tonight I told him he i was needed something to eat..O have not ate in 2 days due to the fact my father is ill and im not doing so well with that. Before he left to ”work” he said he was broke had nothing..not even a smoke he could have during his brake. In all the six years we have been together..Today is the first day iv followed him with a friend in her car.We watched as he went to the corner store..bought ‘smokes’ Then called a cab..yet i was told he was taking a bus because he was ”broke” We followed the cab and he went to Tim Hortons and grabbed a coffee..he then walked across the street to go to work. My heart sank as my gut twisted from odium..on top of hunger that is. So here i am now googling..Liars..narcissistic men ect…And its like reading my life..and him in a book. Unreal. Please Advice…how did you feel when you left them? Did they still contact you? Things of this nature. I hope to hear from someone. Thank you.
Sorry about my typing mistakes and lack of commas ect..in a hurry
You’re ok Bell, write however you like!! 🙂
Hi Bell, a HUGE welcome to the site!!
Yes I dated one similar to what you describe, there is a lot on this site that you could relate to. As mine was also a compulsive pathological liar he also did the whole faking cancer, the drama, living off me, lying, faking jobs, in 3 years I didn’t know anyone in his life, yet he took all of my life.
We had two relationships, and therefore we split twice (its a long story about why I returned). The first time we split, i was devastated. My mind was confused, he was this lovely charming man, yet the things that he did, was absolutely shocking. 6 months after we split he was psychotic, it was hell on earth. Constant police involvement, turning my world upside down. For the year following that I wrote this blog and we weren’t together, and stuck to no contact.
I hit a really low place, as I was also involved in a legal case that wasn’t going away. I was told that it could continue another 18 months, so I let him back into my life. For the first 6 months he was kind of ok…. then it got worse and worse, with lies, living like a parasite control, rages, false accusations etc.
The second time we split, has been relatively easy. i had had enough and knew that no matter what he would never ever change. You see being with them is a liability. Do you really want someone in your life who lies to you and about you (yes he lies about you too). Do you want someone in your life, who will always let you down? Do you want someone who makes your life go round and round in circles with no future growth? So I kept walking…… at first, there was the mind control to undo, that took some time and some focus, as even though I knew all that I knew, I was still confused. There was the whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ senario….. but i knew that my own life was more valuable. I would never have a life with him in it. So I had to focus on me, and of changing things in my life, that were in my power to control.
It is better….. nobody is lying to me, nobody is yelling at me, nobody is turning my world upside down. I can begin to move forward. yes I feel that i wasted time in my life, made my own life harder, but that is what they bring to your world, chaos.
You deserve so much better than this. To start and move forward you have to establish no contact, and keep going with no contact. Instead focus your energy on you, and what you can change in your life….. soon the sun starts to shine and your own life changes.
You are telling the story of every single on of us every entangled with a sociopath. they are all identical with a different brain than normal people. They think alike from their limited vain view of the word. They all do the exact kinds of things. They are very predictable. If they are breathing they are lying. At the same time as seeming imaginative they are identical. To them we are all replaceable and interchangeable. They have no conscience. They feel no love – no remorse. they think they are the victim. They make up stories – like paying for their ex’s college. – mine bought his ex a Mercedes (NOT) – to make them selves seem: generous, loving, kind, magnanimous, monogamous, loyal, fantastic, humanitarians, famous, accomplished, like the most amazing guy you have ever even dreamed of. — They also all tell stories of being victims. , done them wrong, stolen their girl, slept with their best friend, cheated them in business, tried to kill them (LOL!) NONE of this is true. Reverse it. That’s the true story – They did it to someone else. They are doing it NOW to us if we are still with them. No contact is essential. I married a con man – accidentally – 10 months later I found out what he really was. You can recover from the PTSD, the grief, loss, sadness. Only be in touch with family and friends who really support you without any question. Stay near people who love you totally. You will recover and be stronger and happier than ever. Anyone can be scammed. There is no blame, no guilt. You did nothing wrong. He came in and tore your life apart. Sociopaths look for the best of the best: Women who are loyal, loving, kind, full of faith, generous, magnanimous, monogamous —all the things they pretend to be. They are monsters with no existence other than their lies. YOU ARE AWESOME. #truelovescam
Hi, First time iv been back since my last post. I stayed with him, he came back when he felt he wanted to i guess. Things were ok..He had bought food for the house..and has been paying the heat and hydro bill! Sounds great. Now with the lies..He is allergic to bees..now on one of his adventures that he went on in another city…he texts me a pic of him swollen him the face crying..with a msg saying iv been stung..Im so scared if i don’t make it i want you to no that i love you more then anything in this world. I of course am in a panic and try calling him..but don’t get an answer. I go crying to my neighbour about this and she takes me out for a coffee to calm down. This text i got was about 1:00 in the after noon…by the time i get a hold of him it is 7:00 pm. He picks up his phone to tell me he can’t talk his vitals are going down and that the doctor is rushing in and hangs up. This is sounding odd to me but don’t want to get to out of hand knowing that he is allergic. I don’t hear from him for the next few hours and am starting to get really mad. I call at 11:00 pm. He answers his cell phone and im like..Hello! What is going on! Why have you not called me..He’s like “oh’ I fell asleep ‘shit’ Im gonna grab my things and get out of here. Right there i new something was up. So before i ask him what hospital he is in and he gives me the name. I start asking well what did they say!? your just getting up and walking out? Anyway we hang up..and i call the hospital. I tell them his name and that he was admitted for anaphylactic shock from being sting and Im just wondering if they can put me through to his room number. No problem! So they go to look up his chart and say ‘Oh’ we have here that he was admitted at 2:30 pm and discharged at 6:00 pm. I play stupid and ask if he was ok..and they tell me he did have reaction and was given a new (epi pen and had an IV)
Then he was good to go. So the hole time he’s telling me his vitals are going down and passed out he was not even there. Not to mention he I had asked him if he wanted my neighbour to drive me there to see him..a good four hours away and he kept saying no. I call him flipping out asking why he would lie! And he tells me Im a heartless bitch for even questioning this and that he could have died..And that they must have there charts mixed up. So on and so forth. Needless to say he comes back home and nothing happened..Life goes on. A few weeks later another family member dies..his uncle..no proof does not take me with him to the funeral..and of course it’s out of town..again…He gives me a name I look it up nothing. When he gets back to town His mother calls him and asks how his trip was..and he forgets that he made up another death in his family and say’s oh it was hell working for his Aunt. Im just standing there like ????? The very latest..I had flipped right out and i mean flipped! About all his lies..everything he has been doing in six years! He leaves and runs of to his mothers..who is just like him! I swear they feed off eachother. After he has been there for 2 days he calls me and starts in with the your so childish and crazy you need medical help all this stuff..I hang up and am boiling! So i call his mothers and snap on her answering machine…Saying all sorts of stuff. How he’s abusive and in 28 years of my life iv never seen anyone lie like this and act so cruel..but yet question me and refuse to take me anywhere or do anything with me…at the end of the msg im leaving i say maybe your mother should back off and show you some tuff love and stay the hell out of our problems and life!.That’s that. It has been almost a month since i have seen him. There have been some emails exchanged. Six days ago i get a msg from his sister in law through facebook out of no where saying..I dont no what is going on with you and ”Mike” (not his name) But please leave me out of it..Iv tried to be there for you and be a friend when ever you have needed me. The msg continues to say that his mother called his brother saying that i left a msg on her machine saying that I called her and told her that my now ex’s sister in law was saying she was crazy and if it was not for her..my ex and his brother would have a better relationship!? I am dumb founded reading this. I don’t even speak to his mother! The last time iv even seen the woman was once last summer (2014) So of course I call and he is being nice when he answers and I ask for him to put his mother on the phone..very snappy! He says no..I tell him whats being said..and he turns around telling me what a loon i am and she never did that..she also denies it too..of course! And before i hang up I say I am so done with you people! I explain to his sister in law that i did not say anything in that nature about her or his brother..that i did leave a msg saying what i wrote above about him!!!! Unreal! So then i get two msg in my email telling me ill never change rah rah rah. He can see what type of person i am ect. Anyway this is the best iv done with nc and still even with all this crazy stuff going on i care for him. I don’t hear from him for a few days..and check my email and theres this big email about how he cares and loves me and my kids..and he’s sorry for all the things he’s done..and the doubt he has instilled and all this stuff. So of course i call him and the tone that answers the phone is the the rone you would expect after reading the words he wrote to me. So of course i let myself down..again. Now i have not spoke to him in 6 days no emails/calls..nothing..and i get yet another email telling me he has been thinking of me during these late nights at work. That’s it. I have not responded. Now what the hell is this! A narc/ a sociopath? Im lost! I don’t no what to do. He has not turned off the heat or hydro? And i told him too! I can not afford it, but do not care! I’ll find a way ect. Thoughts! I have no real friends..not much family. I saw a intake worker who has now got me apt for a counsellor on the 27th of this month. Im just so out of touch..like six years and im still hurt and love him. Idk if im coming or going anymore. Thoughts please. what is he?
I also forgot to mention.,,He had emailed me 2 weeks ago telling me there was a guy in a silver pick up that had been lurking around the schools here and for me to watch my kids. So i look all over our news ect..So i call the police station and ask them if something like this was happening. It is common for that to happen in our town. They have a woman call me back and she tells me there has been no report made at all. I lied to her when she asked where i got the info from. Then msg him through email telling him if this is some sick scare tactic he needs help. He then told me his buddy at work told him this and only filed the report today (2 days after the fact) well its been two weeks since and there’s still nothing about this.
The a same thing Happened to me. I left him and was harassed relentlessly for 6 months. I went back to him after 7 months because he has lung cancer. And what a mistake that was because he is right back to himself with the lies, turning words around to make everything that happens be My FAULT. Telling me I have no family , friends and that I am alone and that I will soon realize how much I am giving up by not being with him. He managed to convince my family I am a mental case and a drunk. So I really don’t have their support. They believe him. My 2 children stand by me. He tried to get to them by email but they blocked him. All I can say is they don’t change even with being sick. It is just another ploy. I am done with this relationship. I hope I can stay strong . I have not had contact with him for a month and a half. Not that he has not tried. Good luck to you. We will all stick together. Thanks to positive girl.wonderful Web site.
Last night I watched the movie “Gaslight” At first I did not think I could watch as it is very upseting at first but stay with it. Also come here tell us everything get it all out. Read all the stories and interviews and Video’s This June will be 2 years since I left in the middle of the night. I finally am going to court in 3 weeks to make divorce final. I have not seen, or heard of had any contact with him. The divorce is being done through court as I do not know his whereabouts….Now I am getting afraid that he will somehow mess this up. He has been to law school over 20 years ago but never passed the bar. He thinks he knows everything even more than Judges or ANYONE. I hate it how just a thought of him can stir up fear that he will somehow retaliate. Both of his sociopath sons have been in prison, They know persons who will kill you for money. I am safe here but in his last email he stated he could of killed me anytime already…I am not sure what to tell or not tell
the judge. When I left I was too sick to even apply for a restraining order…..I have severe PTSD from him. SO if you are thinking stay or go….GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE BEFORE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS. Sorry for the rant but I not able to take my pain meds at his time as they are interfering with my depression med that helps with the pain. Vicious cycle but at least I am FREE from HIM.
I am slowly trying to share my story by writing a blog also, here at WordPress. It’s slow going and painful but cathartic.
This is my second time back to this site. The first time was a year and a half ago. When my heart was broken by a sociopath. I felt like I couldn’t breathe without him. I began having anxiety attacks. I started the no contact rule.
Three long months passed by…I had begun to date. To put myself out there again. I was just getting back on my feet after my world was jerked out from under me with the lies and false promises of my ex soc. I was almost feeling normal again….and then he returned.
It began simple enough…he asked if I was taking my son to a special event in town. It had been so long I thought I was over it. And I had planned on taking him. So I told him that I was planning on it. And he then told me that he was working at the event. I honestly didn’t think anything of it. It had been 3 months.
When we got to the event he asked to see us. So I stopped by. It was harder than I thought to see him. He started in on how good I looked and how it was so good to see us and that he missed us. I blew it all off. I was over it. But then the texts started.
He kept asking me out…telling me how sorry and wrong he was for the cheating and lying (which I had read that sociopaths NEVER do). So I began to wonder. Maybe I was wrong about him and he was just in a bad place in his life the last time. I stood my ground and continued to say no to dates. He said he would do whatever it took however long it took to win back my trust. So i let my guard down.
It started when he came to my home to repair some things that needed repair. I thought he was showing good faith in that he was making an effort. We started to go on dates again. He was so apologetic and loving and said how much he missed me and that while he was gone he realized that he loved me more than anyone he had ever loved and realized that he sabotaged our previous relationship because he was afraid that I would hurt him like all his ex’s did with the cheating. He even said that he went to counseling those 3 months and the counselor helped him to realize what he had done.
Things were perfect..for a year and a half. We never argued. Rarely disagreed. I lost my home to foreclosure and he moved both my son and I into his home. All the while he says that it is our home. That he wanted to be with us forever. And love my son just like his own. And that the only thing that could possibly make him happier was to marry me….I was ecstatic. By this point I had unknowingly and completely fallen back into his trap.
We began fixing up “our home” to make it ours. We both spent money. I didnt much think about it. We started to save….he added me to his bank accounts. We worked on the house spending thousands of dollars. I knew that soc’s take money….but all the while he was spending his and giving me his checks I figured that I had been completely wrong about him in the first place. He’s so caring and kind and loving…he’s not taking anything from me without paying his share. I completely dropped my guard down. Huge mistake!
I ended up receiving a sizeable check. He always opened my mail…hes the one who saw it first. So he knew. We put it in the joint account. We would take some out as we needed it for repairs to the house. And i noticed the amount dwindling rapidly. So i asked where all the money was going and told him that we needed to start keeping a better record so we didnt waste it. He agreed.
Things were going along fine. We had both planned for a family vacation…our first cruise. I was so excited to take my son. We both saved to pay for it. I thought things were going along fine. We did things as a family…..and things as a couple. He told me on the last night that he had wanted to go back to the nicer restaurant for dinner again, The third night in a row. I hadn’t wanted to go since it cost extra and I didnt care for it much. So the last night he went alone.
He asked before he left if I was sure that I didnt want to go or did I need anything. I told him no that I was packing and to just bring me back a coke, He didnt come back for 5 hours. I lay awake just thinking about what he could possibly be doing…gambling all that money away? I didnt know. So at 2 am I took my son and went down to the bar where I saw him cuddled up to a girl…softly stroking her back with his thumb…..like he used to do me. I walked up and grabbed his arm and said “Im moving out”. He was so drunk he could barely walk. But he followed me back to the room.
I didnt want anything to do with him. I was done. I hated him at that moment for making me relive all the hurt and the pain that he has caused me in my last relationship. He came back to the room and I was asking him about it and all he said was “I don’t know what you’re talking about…I didnt do that” WTF? I saw it with my own eyes! My son saw it too!
We got into a fight in the hall when i told him not to come back to the room. Our first real fight ever. All of a sudden he lashed out at me and called me a bitch and kicked me! He had never even raised his voice before so I was so shocked! He went back to the bar and I went back t the room. He finally stumbled back and came in and passed out.
I went thru his phone. He had gotten that girls phone number and sent her a :x. I couldn’t believe it!! The next day we barely spoke. But he deleted her number saying she must’ve taken his phone and put her number in there….I guess she sent the text too? And he acted like nothing was wrong. But I got all kinds of excuses….he was drunk and couldn’t remember (so does that make it ok? in his eyes yes) Then I got the “maybe I was drugged excuse”. So stupid.
For a few weeks I distanced myself from him. He would still act the same as always. Saying he loved me, wanting to snuggle….never once apologizing. Then I get a message saying that he’s going out with his friends….he never went out with friends. He always said that he’d rather spend the time with me. But I just said ok and went on. I was still upset and hurt….but I had an awful feeling.
He came home completely drunk again. His skin gray and sweating drunk. He passed out again and again i went through his phone. There were more girls numbers in there. But he was smart enough to delete his texts. So i began to check his internet searches..and discovered he was on dating websites. I was so devastated!! I couldn’t believe it. And the things he was saying to these girls was completely not the person I knew.
I went into the bedroom and started to ask him what the hell was going on. All he kept mumbling was “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Then all of a sudden he jumped up out of the bed….called me a whore! He grabbed my by the throat and threw me against the wall choking me. I thought he was going to kill me honest to God. I thought I was dead! I turned to see my four year old standing in the doorway and I didnt want him to see this. I yelled at him to get in his room. Thats when he started throwing punches to my face. His eyes were just dead….No life at all in them. I had never seen his eyes this way. He threw me down on the ground and started to choke me again. I was petrified. I had no way to call for help. I just knew I was dead because I couldnt get him off of me.
He finally let go and I ran into the living room to get my son. He followed me and punched me in the eye and hit the side of my head. I just kept going and when i got to the couch he shoved me into my son and my son’s head hit the wall.
Thats when he just started to yell “you broke me…you got what you wanted…you destroyed me…Ive been thinking about killing myself because you won’t tell me you love me” Over and over. Then he just got up and walked out and went back to bed. Again I was in shock. Could already feel my eye swelling and I had to talk to my son about what he had seen. I was mortified…
When he got up again he acted like nothing had happened. By this time I had a black eye and swelling in my cheek and forehead. So I told him to stay away from me. He asked me why…..Why?? Look what you did to me! No emotion from his face and he said “I don’t remember. I wouldn’t do that” I even asked if he thought I actually did it to myself and he actually responded “maybe” Really?? Really???
he never showed an ounce of remorse about it. Even typical abusers generally say they are sorry don’t they?? He came over a few hours later and coldly said “I’m sorry if i did anything to hurt you” and kissed me on top of the head and left.
He was never the same after that. He said that he had flipped the switch on his emotions and that it was all my fault that he was this way now. He felt nothing. And he actually said he hated me! That killed me inside! And then he said the thing he hates the most that I did was make him lose his feelings for my son! All the blame was placed on me! I couldn’t believe it!
I asked him if he wanted me to move out. All i ever got was an “I dont know what I want. I don’t feel anything” So I wrote him a letter telling him how i felt. I though that maybe if he remembered how happy we once were he would return to how he used to be. He even cried when he read the letter. I asked why he cried and he said it was sad and that he wanted to keep the letter. I felt like I had poured my soul out to this man and got nothing in return. No answers…no nothing.
He started to lie to me about working later. One night I went by his work and saw he was leaving not 5 minutes after he said he had to work late. So i followed him. He was going to some apartments.. He said it was his friend from work but i seriously doubted him. And he was mad at me for following him. He said that was his safe haven from me and now that I knew where it was he’d never feel he could go there again. Again I was to blame not him. I told him I just wanted to talk so he reluctantly let me in the car. Again I poured my heart out to this guy! I actually didnt want him to leave despite all that he had just done to me! I didnt understand myself. I always said I would never stay in an abusive relationship. I just felt that since he had never done it before or even gotten mad it was just the alcohol.
Again…i got the “I don’t know how I feel” and that he was angry at me for following him. And all he wanted was to get away from me. So I got out and left. We barely spoke the next week, I decided that I would just try and act normal around the house. Ask him about his day, Give him a hug, But that night he told me that he thought I should move out while he worked on himself. That he needed to heal before we could go on and for that he needed space. He even agreed to counseling. So i said ok and left the room….again devastated.
Thats when he stopped coming home at night. OR if he came home he’d leave around 10. I was sleeping in my sons toddler bed to try and give him space and stay out of his way. Yet he said he didnt even feel comfortable in his own home. He came home one night and I was in our bedroom because he had told me he wasn’t coming home that night. So as I sat on our bed with my son he walks in the door. I said “I thought you weren’t coming home?” and he said “well this is my house and I want you out ASAP. You have one week to get out. He then grabbed my bag and threw it across the room.
Again no remorse…nothing. I have a four year old son to consider for schools and had to find a safe place for us to go in a week?? He didnt care. Was the farthest thing from his mind. I haven’t been able to find an affordable place to stay as of yet. Ive been staying with friends for two weeks. After the first week he made me come and pack up all my things and put them out in the garage. Now he’s asking again when I’m gonna find a place…guess Im messing up his dating life. He’s moved on. So I have to find a way to move on too.
This time the break up feels different. Last time he wanted to remain friends and I said no. Now he just wants to throw my son and i away like a piece of trash. I guess this is the discard. I guess he finally realized he couldnt keep up the facade. I’d tell him how much i loved him and that I was sorry..can you believe that? That I was sorry! When i did nothing wrong. All he would say is “you just want a place to stay”. So I’m still searching for an affordable place for me and my son to go.
Its my opinion that he changed when I refused to put the remainder of my money into just his name. I was having some issues with my exhusband. And he said I should put the money in someone else’s name so that the courts couldnt take it from me. Anything with my name on it could be taken from the bank. Of course he wanted it in his name. I actually made him an online bank account….but something just didnt feel right about it. So I never did it. And i think thats when he realized I wasn’t going to cooperate in his plan any longer.
While he’s asking me to move out he has the nerve to ask me to borrow money for a washer and dryer till he can pay me back…..I probably would have if not for friends telling me i was crazy. I told him no and he got pissed….said he was done with me playing games, That I had agreed to help him when I really didnt. Later I looked in his wallet and he had $2000 in there. WTH? The last time I saw him he asked me to help him with the electric bill and he’d pay me back. But 2 days later he has a new keurig machine, new fridge, new expensive knife set…I don’t even know what else. And he docent even drink coffee is the funny thing. .Im so upset that i let him back in to take advantage of me. He owed me money last time we split too. But he gave e checks and paid it back. It was just a way to have an excuse to still contact me. Let this be a warning to all…you NEVER know what a soc is capable of…..NEVER assume you’ll be safe. I did and look what happened to me. Just run if you even have a thought that this is the type of person that you are with.
I still have my anxiety attacks, and near panic attacks when i go near that house and I think he might come back when I’m there. He kicks me out and now wants to get rid of all the dogs too. So he thinks i can take 5 dogs with me to a rental or apartment. He used to love animals. He has done a complete 180 and I don’t even recognize the person that he has become.
I know the panic that everyone feels because of their loss. I feel it too, My chest gets tight and i can barely breathe. My hands shake all the time. But its truly not worth it if it comes down to your life or the safety of your child. I feel the loneliness when i don’t receive a text for a day or two…sometimes even just hours. He still plays games with me even though he hates me. He called this morning and when I texted back and asked what he wants he said “never mind i needed something 45 minutes ago when i called” so i asked what and get no response. I have also asked him numerous times to text whatever he needs so he knows i will not answer his calls. i dont even want to hear his voice. Then 2 hours later he texted me that he is sick of the dogs and did i have a place to go because he wants to just let the dogs run off to get rid of them…..so i text back and ask about the dogs. No response till 6 hours later. But at this point I feel i have to respond He has my things and my dogs. So I’m hoping when I finally find a place he will just attach himself to the new victim that is staying over at the house already and just leave me alone.
It will get easier. I tell myself that. And when i feel lonely i try to talk to a friend. They dont understand the addiction that we have to a sociopath. The deep loss that we have when we are of no use anymore. The panic and anxiety that comes with not speaking to someone no matter what horrific things they have done to us. So we come here. To support each other who struggle with the same feelings that we do. People that understand. I hope that each of you read this and realize that we don’t have any idea what these people are capable of…and we are better off being single and loving ourselves…thats who we fell in love with in the sociopath anyway.
Sorry this is so long. Just wanted you all to be aware of the monsters that these people can become without any warning. I pray that my story will give someone the confidence to walk away. If i can do it so can you. You’re worth it to save yourself….I promise you’re worth it!
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you don’t feel bad that you returned. It is possible that he did love you and meant what he said when you went back to him. I know that my ex was just like this, when I returned to him in 2014 (yes it trashed this site)…. it is so difficult, as just like with you, he was wonderful for quite some time. Stable, and seemed to be like a ‘normal guy’ he was so appearingly normal, that just like you. I doubted that maybe I had it wrong? Maybe he wasn’t a sociopath, and if he wasn’t a sociopath what on earth was this site about? I closed the site. A very short time after this, just like you I had a large payment of money paid to me. It is like once that ‘opportunity’ is there, the game changes for them. Did he know that you were going to get this money? Was it expected, or unexpected? As mine did know that it was coming. I thought that the way that he was – was basically seducing me, and him actually paying his way was his way of making an investment, for the bigger financial gain.
As soon as the money came in, he changed. I felt it change. I am so sorry for what you have been through, but really understand how you can really doubt yourself, as they can just appear so very normal. Something just seems to trigger within them and switch. Yes, it is difficult, and it is painful too. As I sit here and think he was through those good times last year….. you are safe, and your son is safe, and this is what is important.
Please don’t feel bad for returning, as I understand this, and I did the same thing, even though I had written this website all of 2013….. I just wanted to see the good, and he delivered. I also doubted myself, despite all that I knew. Yes, he duped and conned me again too. I believed him.
No I had no idea about the money. And he didn’t really change until I didn’t put the money in his name like I asked. Idk, it gives me a. Bit of peace thinking he is a SP. Part of me wants it not to be true as well. I will be moving my things next weekend so all ties will be gone after that and it scares me because I do still love him despite all the things I described.he hasn’t contacted me since yesterday when I lied and told him I had a place to live. I just didn’t want him to know that he still had me in a tough position anymore. Immediatrky he responded and asked “where at”. I tokd him i was out and i had to go. It hurts to know I’ve been replaced. That car has been at his house overnight more than once and it hurts…I tell myself she’s his new victim but what if I’m wrong about him and he just hates me? He contacts me mostly about moving my stuff. But two days ago sent me a “what are you doing” text. I responded an hour later and said working. No response again. Part of me hopes he never contacts me agsin…bc I get such a rush from it. I get my “fix” and then I crash days later. But part of me wants him to come back like last time and say how wrong he was for doing what he did and that he’s sorry. I know we are all in this place. Just wish it wasn’t so difficult to get past. When I feel sad I read forums on it and it helps don’t want to be this way forever though. I feel like I can’t make it alone. Like I’ll always need someone around to depend on to give me strength to not contact him. I know I never would bc it would only make it harder. But the thought is always in the back of my mind and I hate myself for still loving him.
Please don’t hate yourself for still loving him. For they are not always the ‘bad’ you love what was good. But not the abuse. This is normal.
Hi!
I’m writing from Istanbul.
I feel lost, tired, confused. I can’t control my feelings anymore.
It’s been 5 months we broke up with my sociopath.
We’ve met. It was ‘too good to be true’. Dated for 8 months, lived almost together for 6 months. I was always thought something goes wrong.
Found messages in his Facebook, asked. And got the answer ‘these are just thought experiments’
Lost my dad. And he left.
I’ve never sure if he’s an evil or a saint.
I am not a person who can let go.
So after we broke up, I’ve tried every way yo get the truth.
Here it is,
I’ve met a girl who thinks they’re together since 2010 🙂
She said: ‘he broke up with me with no reason at march (we’ve met last march) after a month he started to begging and ager 8 months ı thought ı should give him a chance.
I’ve met another girl who thinks they’re gonna get married soon 🙂
She is only 21, and said: “I’ve met him when I was 18. He is always abusive but ı’ve lost my mother so I needed him. Then he left. Then he came back. With a ring last November. I gave him another chance but he left after a month.”
In here, it means.
He broke up with me, made things out with the first girl mentioned and asked for marrying to the other one at the same time.
And, I’ve met a 21y old girl who thinks he is living in Germany. And they’re in love for years. And she is a virgin but he still abuses her sexually.
And there are many others. Dozens of women in years.
He is in tinder now. He keeps going with no regret.
Sex tapes. Lies like he lives in NY, a nude photo archive from these women.
I think he is dangerous. And I want to protect everyone from him.
But right now, I have nothing to do.
He blocked me from everywhere because I’ve did this ‘research’.
I’m not sure if this is the right place but ı need help.
Yes he is a sociopath. He is dangerous.
He admits that he is deceiving people.
I feel small, abused and really really sad after all.
And, I don’t know. Did you ever heard something like that?
I am 29 years old and trying to be alive is a daily duty for me these days.
How can I find some inner peace?
First of all, a big hug to you.
You know, in a book that has always given me a lot of healing (Women who run with the wolves), the author writes that if you are a wolf, and you meet another that is rabid, or ill, there’s nothing you can do other than fleeing. Running away as fast as you can.
Furthermore, you can’t help others if you aren’t safe and sound yourself. You are NOT safe and sound now. I know the feeling you describe. I felt like a “wet chicken”, or like a boxer who has just been beaten up to a pulp (the abuse was verbal and psychological in my case).
Please leave him, and all that has to do with him, behind you. Come here for help whenever you feel sad weak or… but stay away from him.
Hello,
This is a late but a big thank you from me to you.
I’ve read the book, the stories in it, inspired me. I understood that I am punishing myself from a long time. I should release the inner voice which keeps telling me that I am unique, wild and strong : )
I am better now. But not fully recovered. I guess this thing come along with me until I find real peace. I am thankful for all the women in here.
I have one last question.
How can I stop thinking about bad things. They’re coming to me like memories. And I feel vulnerable. I don’t want to feel anything because of him.
I hope you’re doing good and enjoying the spring’s fresh feelings : )
Best.
I would like to share a positive story, one of healing.
My “old” story is similar to many others.It’s a story we all share, albeit they are all a bit different: bullying at school, abuse in college, a socio, then another, then finally the escape.
But now, now I have finally understood that yes, I was surrounded by a*+holes, it wasn’t me; yes I was bullied and abused; but especially, I’d deserve somebody who loves me EVEN if I were all the horrible things my abusers told me I was.
So now that I am out of the maze of sociopathy and blame and self-loathing, I want my story to have me in the role of the hero.
We are all heroes, here. First of all Positiva: she, like a good magician, turned her pain into healing for others. And we, we all survived the dragon. Some of has even slayed it in the end. And this means we can beat all the others we will meet along the way.
So my new story begins thus: once upon a time there was a hero. She was flawed but she was strong. One day, a collegue was acting passive aggressively towards her, and she was hurting, because it reminded her of all the old wounds, caused by other dragon-collegues and dragon-friends in the past. It was hard and painful for a month. Then the hero was told she had to work with the dragon-collegue.
She trembled a bit. But then she breathed deeply. She stood her ground, she didn’t flinch, but she kept smiling. A firm, inner smile. Not a people-pleasing smile, not a meek smile, not a smile saying “sorry”, but simply a smile. One that says “I am here, in front of you, and you can’t hurt me. You can’t destroy the person I have become. I am safe now, you are such a small dragon! the one I have beaten were terrible and fierce, but you are so small, almost a lizard!” 🙂
So the hero worked togehter with the small collegue-dragon, and did a good job. And she smiled and showed it to the small dragon-collegue, even though the dragon-collegue had been passive aggressive once again. And the dragon collegue saw that the work was good, and that the hero was standing her ground, and she felt ashamed (she wasn’t such a bad dragon, after all! Not all dragons are big and cruel!), and she complimented the hero.
The hero felt nervous at first: it’s always so, when somehting unexpected AND good happens. The hero has yet to learn how to embrace good things, even small ones. But she breathed deeply and slowly, and smiled back, and was gracious in accepting the thanks (without diminishing the quality of her work).
Another battle won, another step further from the horrible maze that had trapped her for so long in the past.
To be continued 🙂
Hi everyone ,
I would just like to say these comments are really helping me right now as I am in a bad place at the moment , I think I have been in a relationship for a year with a sociopath and after we split he has kept me hanging on for 7 months.
We met at work he was amazing best relationship ever I felt so loved ,so happy more than I had ever been . He use to say the same and that I was the love of his life the most amazing person he had ever met , couldn’t believe his luck when he found me and hoped we would always be together . He said I want everything with you marriage , family, future . Not long after dating he asked me to have a baby we started trying . I noticed things started changing few months after I always use to pull him my gut was telling me something wasn’t right , he was always on his phone, changing are days of when we were suppose to be together, not seeing one another as much but has his told me from the start he had depression and also had a lot on with his house which he was doing up for us , yes depression I always stood by him through this but it took over are relationship I doubt now if this was a pity play .
Anyway he ended things I just couldn’t understand why though ,because he was still loving just not as much he kept saying I just need to be on my own sort myself out cause of his depression and need to be on my own to do it , but I still love you and hope for us to be together. For two weeks I kept contacting now and then and also make sure he was ok, because I worried about him. Then I had a text saying sorry to text but I just had to tell you I still love you so much even within my messed up mind . After that got lots more text saying still love you , miss you just want to sort myself out and for us to be together . Kept sending me lovely text talking about us and our happy times and couldn’t wait for more with me , he was starting to feel good again.
Then I hear he is seeing another woman from work he denied it all crying down the phone its you I love don’t believe them your everything to me . Eventually he said I took her out a few times that was it I believed him , we made plans to meet sort things out then I heard he had been with someone else from work I was furious , he dined it all again saying I don’t hardly know her why do you always believes others and not me but he openly done this a works party so everyone knew . I didn’t want anything to do with him from then on but it hurt like hell and he kept contacting wanting to talk saying please lets talk we will both feel better , kept sending me lovely texts in the end I gave in when he rang one night crying again we belong together am so sorry for everything I’ve been so messed up blaming his meds and depression .
This girl was married he had rang her husband told him everything and now there getting divorced, I feel he done this because he hadn’t won , as she didn’t want to know him when it all came out in work.
It was now four months after are split and he rang and text everyday telling me how much he loves and misses me but I wasn’t sure I didn’t know what I wanted anymore even though I still loved him and missed him , I was scared. Then he said he had been interested in a job abroad with our company kept asking me to go said we will have an amazing life in the sun , carefree I wouldn’t have to work because he would be earning enough for us both sounded amazing but I was unsure because unsure of him still . I still questioned him over being with someone as I was suspicious sometimes just little things he done or said , we argued over it but always denied and I believed . He decided to take the job abroad still begging me to go , once he took the job I realised and he had convinced me he made a massive mistake last year with all that went on so I decided to give us another go but said am not moving over with you as yet we will see what happens as I still had doubts because a few times he was meant to be coming down and never did always an excuse , didn’t always answer his phone but reply later with a text.
So yes give it another go , then I hear he is still with this other girl he ended our relationship for so they have been together now 7 months and was asking her to have a baby and also move abroad with him . I couldn’t believe it am in shock this was only 4 weeks ago I confronted him he denied it all still I had proof my friend even spoke to his sister in law and also the girl he was with , he denied it all but he knew id been onto him for a while he got nasty with me I couldn’t believe it when the day before saying how much he loves me and also starting turning the tables on me saying I’ve been spreading rumours about him, apparently he spread some about me . Later that night he sent me a text saying why are you obsessed in try to split us up (meaning him and the girl he is with) funny when he denied it all along but think she made him send it . She thought it was all over with me and him 7 months ago , I sent her snap shots of messages he sent me and pictures. But she’s staying with him he’s obviously spun her more lies . He threatened my friend the one who spoke to his girl and told her everything , he’s gone to live abroad now she is still here not sure how long for though , I know this as we work together . I’ve blocked him completely , but for some insane reason I still miss him .
Apparently I’ve heard this is what he does goes around having affairs causing destruction wherever he goes then leaves , hence why he’s not in one country for to long . He also cheated on his wife which he told me I wasn’t happy with this but then he said we met so young (still know excuse ) he said this is why I have depression because am so devastated what I done to her its cuts me up you don’t realise the devastation it causes , I hate myself for it . So then I feel sorry for him and he looks so genuine. He also said she was a cold person quite volatile and always putting him down . I feel now he was talking of himself !
I can’t believe this lovely , caring , generous , kind , thoughtful amazing man was actually a monster . He has lied to me from day one all the hurt he has caused no remorse just up and left as always . He never uttered a kind word to me once I found out everything and didn’t believe him whatever he said .
Do you think he maybe a sociopath ?
Sorry for long story, any feed back would be appreciated so much .
Thank you xxxx
Big hugs to you all xxxx
I so feel like you did and have gone through 8 years of head games and still to this day he has a hold over me. We purchased land together and what a mistake that was. That is his leverage to harassed me continually. I want to sell it but he wants over half the money.all money I worked so hard for. I put in $63,000 and he put in $20,000. But his not wanting to sell is just a hold to keep me. Now going to a lawyer.
Ah they love this strategy, time wasting, playing the game, false empty promises. When you want something from them, they can go so far as to pretend that they are going to give you just what you want, then bail, over and over again. This keeps them in the game, in control and winning. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is a nightmare and often one that you think will never end – until they find someone else to play the game with.
I’m just now discovering what it means to have been in a relationship with a Sociopath. My ex – a very charismatic individual, charmed his way into my life a year ago via an online dating site. So much of what I’ve read on this blog is hitting me in the face like a mallet of truth. I had no idea what i was dealing with. I was sure he had anger management issues, but the “love bombing” and the “exit strategy” and all the other coined terms are like phrases to describe my life for the last year. Thankfully, my ex decided to abruptly exit my life almost 2 weeks ago, when I discovered I WAS his new “source of supply” and he was still carrying on a full blown relationship with the woman I thought was his ex-girlfriend. The fact was, he was in need of a new place to live after she had forced him to move out of the house due to his lack of job and motivation to contribute to the household. He is a master at making women feel loved and wanted and showered both of us with affection, but was bleeding us both dry financially. Now, I’m the enemy because I discovered what he was up to and have partnered with his other “source” to get both of us away. He is currently bombarding her with love messages and promising to change and swearing to do anything to stay with her, telling her he never cared for me or loved me and only began a relationship with me and moved in with me because she had kicked him out. (The most truth he’s told in years, I’m sure.)
She and I remain in constant contact and remind each other of all the lies and deceit we’ve experienced with him and I’m hoping if we stick together, she’ll be strong enough to push him out of her life once and for all.
Thank you SO MUCH for starting this site and offering support to other women (and men) who’ve been vicitmized by someone with a Sociopathic Personality Disorder. It’s honestly helping me to heal the hurt and confusion I’ve been feeling over the last 2 weeks.
Your situation sounds just like mine- mine also went after another girl on FB while still living with me and I had to team up with her to get him to stop. Of course she also ended up being a manipulative person just like he was, so in the end, she actually stabbed me in the back. He continued to live in my house and wouldnt leave while talking to her and planning to move up there and enroll in college.
Update to my situation…His other girlfriend is still caught up in his cycle of abuse. He seems to have completely released me (which I’m thankful for, although, I’m not convinced he won’t try to come back) but continues to hound her mercilessly with pleas and saying he’ll never give up and they’re meant to be together and all the other pretty words a woman wants to hear when she’s hurting. I feel sorry for her that she can’t get a clean break, but until he finds a new “source” to replace her completely, she’ll be his primary focus. I’ve tried to be supportive and talk her back into reality, but when I’m not talking to her about his lies and manipulation, he’s telling her I’m just bitter and lying to tear them apart. It’s sad, but there’s not much else I can do for her.
Yes they like to accuse you of being bitter 🙂
@Selin, there’s no magic formula, just give it time and of course, no contact. One day at time. Don’t be afraid of feeling vulnerable, I think that at first this is the way we protect ourselves. Maybe you will find each day a reason to remember him, but I’m sure you will find a lot of reasons to keep it just as a remembrance and not as part of your life. And one day,you’ll find that you didn’t think of him, and the days will keep adding until at last you will be able to say goodbye too to these remembrances. Meditate, pray, forgive him for what he did, for what he is and forgive yourself for what you allow and let the life flow again on you. Everything will be better…
When I first heard on TEDtalks the five most common identifiers of a sociopath, my body froze and my ears perked at the all too familiar characteristics. They described, to a T, the people who for the last nine years had turned my identity on its head. I had allowed this person to shape who I previously was into a cynical, depressed, codependent, and uninspiring human being. Through their tall tales I forfeited my sense of reason – something that has always been the cornerstone of my personality – and replaced it with sympathy and compassion. I didn’t want this person to suffer. I wanted to save this person from their dark thoughts, and their truly unfair existence. I couldn’t understand how someone so thoughtful and kind could be the victim of such bad karma.
Because I would not listen to reason, I allowed myself to be catfished by a sociopath.
There is no more terrifying feeling than to know something is wrong and being unable to understand why. I heard every excuse in the book from malfunctioning webcams to sudden hospitalization. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t meet this person – who, according to him, wanted so desperately to see me too. When I was at my breaking point I scoured the internet for clues, and found evidence that he was not who he said he was. I called him on it, and here’s the part I hadn’t expected. The person whose identity they had stolen had given his consent to the act, and went as far as to go on webcam to convince me that he was the fake account. But he blundered and I caught on quickly. From there, three of the catfish’s friends got on webcam to vouch for the catfish’s authenticity, but when the catfish herself got on camera (yes, a female) she gave several dead giveaways that she was who I had been talking to. This would mean she went extraordinarily out of her way to keep me in the dark – and was always several paces ahead of me to ensure that I stayed her ignorant little puppet.
When she seemed convinced that I believed her fake persona existed, I texted his phone off camera. For the first time during the entire conversation she looked down to her pocket and took out her buzzing phone. Now that she knew I’d caught her red handed, she got wildly defensive and animated. It honestly frightened me. It’s one thing to learn you’ve been catfished, but when that person’s personality suddenly flares into something completely uncharacteristic there’s really no word for the shock factor. I felt utterly defeated – like nine years of my life had been robbed from me. I remembered all the people I had fought with defending this person, and all the agony I had endured to see to his happiness. I remembered all the times I’d given 110%, and had stayed awake at night crushed that my best was never good enough. I remembered every elaborate lie they had told me to keep me from asking questions.
The worst part is, and likely always will be, that she will not confess. I literally told her and her friends that I thought he didn’t exist (after all, why wasn’t he with them on the video call?). Her friends and the person whose face it was had all temporarily accepted that I knew, but she never backed down. Knowing that I would never get a confession, I blocked all communication with the catfish account and all persons related. But there have been several attempts from the catfish and her friends to trick me into believing he’s still real, and still cares for me.
The truth is that this young woman stole my interests, my passions, my motivation, my attention, and my happiness. She may have even stolen my name and identity.
It’s such a horrifyingly clever, corrupt, and plain messed-up story that half the time I think no one will believe it happened. But from a purely rational standpoint, I have more than enough factual, documented evidence and first hand accounts to verify that these people are lying. Why? I haven’t the faintest clue, and the lack of closure on the matter is likely something I will never get over.
The fact that their account is still active, and cannot be removed, is unnerving. It wouldn’t surprise me if they tried to tarnish my name for uncovering their ruse. It’s taking everything in my self-control not to lash out and make things worse. I want an answer I know I’ll never get, and it’s something I just need to build a tolerance to whether I like it or not. I am bigger than them. I hurt a lot, and I feel betrayed, but I now know how strong I actually am. My best was always good enough. I have always been sane. Someone has made it their mission to personally counter and seize all the positive things that made me, me. From here on out, I will not stand for it.
Doppelgängers do exist. And they will kill you if you give them the power to. If anyone reading this is in a similar situation, please save yourself. No partner is worth sacrificing your identity over.
– Erin
I think I have been with a sociopath. When I met him I was a single parent who had come through a messy divorce and he knew this. He friended me on facebook and contacted me and after some chatting suggested he came swimming with me (this was a hobby of mine). He was married at the time but eventually we started seeing each other and he left his wife for me (I never suggested this). He was very loving very quickly and within no time he was stopping over and had a key. He apparently had the same favourite films as I did and the same interests. He started to tag along in everything I did which I would have previously done without him. He even came to school with me to take my child whenever he could and got very involved with my child, saying he loved him etc. He shared all his passwords with me and told me the passcode for his phone. He once told me he had looked into my phone and another time I found him looking at my phone when he thought I couldn’t see him. I eventually realised that I didn’t do anything without him unless I was on my own or with my child. I had been isolated from family and friends. He would constantly text or email when we were apart. He was very charming to people and loved being the centre of attention although he said that he was shy. The relationship ended because he was violent but even then he breached his bail conditions and contacted me on several occasions in different ways and has also hacked my facebook account. Is he a sociopath?
Playing coy…giving just enough, keeping you guessing, wanting more, questioning, drawing you in
Attractions – big smiles, lovely kisses, attention, words…pretty, loving words
Touching and tasting and accepting and listening and sharing…opening up a whole new world
Best friends – favors, plans, future, if we just…
Taking, sucking, using, stealing, lying, betraying, words…hurting, evil words
Wondering and waiting and hoping and believing and forgiving…opening the door slowly
Lovers – passionate, forever, pursuit of happiness, if we just…
Shifting, changing, hiding, lying, cheating, words…leaving, hateful words
Searching and discovering and realizing and understanding….opening eyes wide to the truth
Enemies – pity, disgust, repulsion, vengeful, if I just…
Releasing, changing, protecting, defending…forgiving myself
Thank you for Sharing
Oh my God! Same story with me..lovebombed me telling me that he broke up with the 10 year old relationship..but when i decided to msg her she never answered me back, he called me and started swearing at me and she blocked me on fb..i learned that he is crawling back to her telling her that i am lying, she left the house they 2 shared but she is dating him again…its been 6 months since the break up and everything feels like it was yesterday..i am angry with him, jealous of her, angry with her and s o disapointed about my life