The importance of ‘I Love you’ in the sociopath dating game and why the sociopath really cant!

The three words ‘I love you’ are meant to be special, intimate. To the sociopath ‘I love you’ means something entirely different.

Image

When you first meet the sociopath, he spends a lot of time, listening, reflecting, mirroring.

  • Listening to what you say (to discover what your needs and wants are)
  • Reflecting (Offering you back what you need and want)
  • Mirroring (mirroring your body language, repeating back to you what you are saying, ‘active’ listening skills)

Love is a really important game to the sociopath in dating. Without love the sociopath loses their power.

A sociopath will constantly say ‘I love you’….. what this actually means is ‘do you love me’…. he is constantly checking whether you love him. He needs you to love him, as when you do, you are rendered ‘weak’

You are fooled into thinking this is a genuine love connection. The sociopath mirrors all of the reactions that people do when they are genuinely in love.

  • Wants to spend all of their time with you
  • Appears interested in you and your interests
  • Appears to share similar interests, goals, and morals
  • Tells you constantly that they love you
  • Showers you with attention and flattery
  • Fakes that they will help you to fulfil your dreams
  • Is very helpful and useful

With this belief that you have met someone who seems so perfect for you, you feel safe to let down your guard, and fall subsequently in love with the sociopath.

If you have been in a relationship with a sociopath, you will notice that they constantly say ‘I love you’, this leads you to feel some sense of responsibility for the sociopath, and that you should love them back. This is part of the manipulation and control.

The sociopath constantly checks what you are feeling about them, and if you are in love with them. When you are in love, you are rendered ‘weak’. This is in reality how the sociopath sees you.

There is a saying ‘crazy in love’ and being in love, can be a temporary form of ‘madness’ where we can lose ourselves in the moment of ‘love’.

Love is  important to most humans, especially women. We all have the need to love, and to be loved.

The sociopath abuses this. This is what can leave victims feeling both confused, and lacking in belief that the person they are in love with is actually a sociopath after all your partner was so:

  • ‘Loving and caring’
  • Helpful
  • Focused on you (giving you the illusion that they were as into you as you were them’
  • Moralistic

The person behind the mask is rarely seen. If you imagine the Wizard of Oz….. you are lured in and left spell bound by what you see in front of the curtain….. but when Dorothy pulled back the curtain, she saw a very different person operating the machine.

This is exactly what the sociopath does. He uses LOVE and fakes love, to

  • Get you to fall in love
  • So that (if you are in love) you feel a responsibility for him, and are weak
  • Manipulate you

Because the sociopath has no conscience, he doesn’t care whether this causes you pain. The sociopath thrives to

  • Be in control
  • To win

Duping others, conning, and winning, obtaining what he wants by deception can give the ultimate high (see also sociopath’s dupers delight and the joy of conning someone). They suffer from boredom, and are not restricted by either

  • Moral compass, responsibility for anyone else
  • Emotions and feelings for anyone else except themselves

Whilst you are going headlong into the relationship with the sociopath, losing your head and falling in love, the sociopath will fake that he is in love. He will fake this so very well, that it will feel like a soul mate connection.

Why victims stay in the relationship with the sociopath

The reason why victims stay with the sociopath, is because of the poker effect. Once the mask begins to slip, the victim has fallen in love with the ‘illusion’ that the sociopath has sold to the victim. Everybody needs ‘closure’ but there can be no closure with the sociopath. You are in love with simply an illusion. The sociopath will give you back niceness, kindness, and fake love again, to lengthen his time with you. This is simply because the sociopath does not want to lose source for supply. This is all that you are to the sociopath, ‘a source for supply’.

This reminds me of the fairy tale of The Emperors New Clothes, where the Emperor is conned that his invisible clothes are made from silk and gold. He walks proudly in his new outfit, despite that he had doubts, he did not listen to himself. Allowed himself to listen to the swindlers, rather than his own intuition, his pride did not want to see the truth, until a child shouts from the crowd ‘that man is not wearing any clothes’

We are too often deluded in the search for love. We do not want it to be true, that we have met someone who has used us, and conned us, and that we were foolish to believe the lies that were told to us. That the lies opened our hearts, and we willingly let somebody use and abuse us. That nothing was true.

We do not want to appear foolish. We want what we have believed to be the truth. The sociopath can get further ‘dupers delight’, if the truth is uncovered, and he manages to convince you that he does actually ‘love you’, and you then stay for an extended period of time.

A sociopath cannot love in the traditional way that you are sold LOVE.  Love to the sociopath means three things:

  • Control
  • Ownership
  • Source for supply

The sociopath would never admit this to you. It can be so hurtful, that you do not want to admit this truth to yourself. The sociopath, when the truth starts to be uncovered, will continue to sell you the lie, and even go to further lengths to prove that his lies are true.

Your weakness, is not only that you are in love (which is why the sociopath constantly checks that you are in love with them), but also pride. Once you know the truth, and understand and accept this, that it is NOT you. That what you experienced was not real. You had simply been played as part of the biggest illusion on earth, you can start to let go.

To let go, you need to accept the truth, to establish no contact. To put into place a recovery plan.

See also https://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/15/how-to-recover-from-dating-a-sociopath/

and https://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/15/sociopath-and-establishing-no-contact/

The sociopath does not and cannot experience love. Unless love to you, means ownership and control?

Ownership and control, is sadly, not love.

Words © datingasociopath.com

Advertisements

75 thoughts on “The importance of ‘I Love you’ in the sociopath dating game and why the sociopath really cant!”

  1. This was such a great post. Now, how do I avoid dating a sociopath? How are we able to know when we have met one? Do you know how to test their validity? Reading your posts make me realize that I was not in a relationship with a sociopath, but it’s something I fear in the future. I’m diggin’ your words!!

    xo Hope ox

    1. Hey Diva, thank you for your words!! 🙂 The thing is that because they are so deceptive, it can be difficult to know.

      Read this one https://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/18/risks-of-meeting-a-second-sociopath/

      There are two different types – charismatic and distempered, the latter is very openly narcissistic once they have lured you in. The charismatic type rarely shows the narcissistic side, unless the mask slips, it is all hidden. Which is really confusing. Always double check that the actions match the words, for the sociopath is great on words, but not so great at actions matching the words!

      1. Thanks! Yeah, my ex is what I like to call a “fraud” claiming he was this that and the third, yet not really being any of it. He was AMAZING with words, like you couldn’t even imagine. However, if you REALLY took the time to break-down what he was saying, they was just words.

        It’s insane. He’s a smart “man” to be able to manipulate people into thinking that he’s SO on the ball and collected when he is quite the opposite.

        I recorded him the day that I left, as he was berating me over and over again. The last few times I have listened to it I actually find myself laughing. I now realize he wasn’t making ANY sense. The screaming/yelling/swearing were just SO intimidating that I would agree with everything that he was saying and then apologize for everything from starting the argument to apologizing to HIM for “making” him react the way he did. SO intense. I’m so happy that I have that recording though…it’s been a HUGE part of my healing process, being able to REALLY see how messed up he is.

        xo Hope ox

    2. I have been through the entire realm of the stages that are identified for how the sociopath works his way through a person’s life, its shocking how it is exactly like the criteria describe!

      The man I lost my time, money, energy, trust among my constant feelings of confusion,, was a man freshly divorced from 19 yearsof marriage. He was my neighbor and no one could have convinced me this man’s intentions were wrong and I put four years into it, constantly off and on again. I never actually felt real love trust and I constantly ignored my intuition not to trust him.. but I became hooked on the amazing words he would say and sound so sincere! It is a very hard trauma to allow in because everything that I would have accomplished was tumbling down in under a year and a half in. I was in a state of silent isolated shock for a solid 6-8 months after he began writing anonymous letters to me in the mail with cutting insults he was trying to tear me down while knowing I was already down .. this was puzzling and he never admitted anything he did.. which was way beyond letters, especially this past 2-3 months. I am only good now with leaving because I have done all I can and finally he has been exposed cheating on me while only days before speaking of marriage and moving in… he’s gotten really bad here towards the end about lying more and more but I just don’t argue because it’s useless and that’swhat he wants… I am surprised I was used but better knowing the truth now than for another day wasted! Yep all articles are right and run run they have no feelings and will convince you anything, intuition is a woman’s bff!! Check on him unexpectedly but don’t ever confront him..he won’t admit it!!! And you can get on and enjoy finding yourself again as long as you don’t go back! They are dangerous too.. put you in jail.. from false accusations and ER for well long story but they proudly have no problem taking money from you and destroy your property if you leave, and never ever admit to it.. I don’t understand how they get to be that way but it’s not my job, he was well I wanted to think a boyfriend.

  2. I bet if ever you start to doubt your strength, and go back into the false illusion of how good things were looking back with rose coloured glasses, you can listen to that recording, and be reminded of reality. A lot of what they say is bullshit. And some of it so incredible and unbelievable, you think someone COULDN’T make this up….. it is just so unbelievable….. am so glad to hear that you are healing and in good recovery!!! If nothing else, it has given you wisdom!! 🙂 Yay!!

    1. Extremely well-worded and on target.
      If I hadn’t experienced this, I would never have thought that there really were people like this…but there are.

      1. It is difficult to understand and to get your head around I think. I still today, struggle with the concept that there are people who really do not ‘love’ in the traditional sense, and can cause so much pain and heartache. Thank you for your comment.

  3. Once again…right on target. He told me he loved me ALL the time. It was all bullshit. It is impossible to inflict the kind of harm he does and LOVE someone…unless you are sick. He is sick and cruel. I am still very angry today.

  4. Remember though, that he will never change. It is not a reflection on you Katrina, it is a reflection on him and he will always be this way. It can make you angry that somebody could use something such as love to deceive you. And taking advantage of your love to use you for what they want.

    The biggest thing is letting go, realise it could have been anyone….. I know you can feel like you have wasted years of your life, on an illusion, never moving your own life forward. But you did get something….. wisdom, knowledge……

  5. I posted my sociopath story. Your words are very true. James was just like all of that. It is hard to admit to yourself that you have been taking up for a sociopath all this time. Part of you doesn’t want to have to go back to everyone and tell them they were right. The catalyst in the whole sociopath situation is the outer rim. Those people he tries to keep you away from, they are the ones that can see right through him. Everyone warned me, but as I feel like my situation was predestined, I wouldn’t hear any of it. I knew in my gut too, but for some reason chose to ignore it.

    1. It teaches you to love yourself, and trust yourself, this is true. Where did you write your story? Is it on your general blog or do you have another?

      I knew in my gut too, but I chose to ignore it, and to learn the lesson instead!!

  6. God help me this is my man when we met I was a confident outgoing sporty 27yr old single mum of three boys maybe a little bit of self doubt and disillusion of where I wanted to be when I met the “man of my dreams” now I don’t sleep as he is my nightmares I am cons timely attacked verbally and physically even when I fell pregnant 4 months into our relationship I have put up with out right lying cheating deception stds signing up to sex sites degrading me behind closed doors and in public and in front of my other children ( they now r showing signs of being scared/depressed? Unhappiness?) I love them so much bit I feel worthless and I pretty much hate myself I’m soooooo tired of trying to please a man that can’t be pleased a man that can sit there in front of my children and call me a “stupid slut a fucking dog, a lying cunt and that he hates me” we now share a 1 yr old boy so that makes 4 boys I am so scared they will take on these traits and I feel like the worst mum as I’m keeping them in this environment they saw and went through enough with their real dad but nothing on this level he seems like he has got his act together to his family and I help with that lie pretending he is now debt and trouble free. I have no self confidence hardly any friends left no money I lie to my parents and I think they also just close there eyes to the obvious abuse.where do I turn ??? I can’t handle the thought of him making a fresh start without me and building and owning the land/house we have been planning do I have any hope ? I’m one sad and lost and fake happy person 😦

    1. Our son loves him so much so do I struggle to see how he can’t love and respect me as much back I realise I do everything for him wash clean cook and tend to his every needs it seems I have become a mother figure to him as his own also has mental issues I no longer play sport and I live with the words in my head as my inspiration ” I will ask you to marry me when you get back into a size 10″ and as pathetic as that sounds I have been continuesly unhealthy in my striving for this with blatant disregard for myself I am almost there but no longer do I get any praise or encouragement just negativity and degrading from him which tries to inhibit me working out just so sad I can now see that now he needs a new excuse not to ask me to marry him and keep a hold of me! I have put up with countless silent beatings and mental abuse and I feel I am ready to step up as a young woman and mother and realise I am worth it my kids are worth it and no matter how hard it may be I can achieve my dreams… Just crazy that I have to turn to the Internet and random strangers for the support/advice/encouragement that I am most severely lacking..

      1. Realistically, do you really want to marry this man? What if you did? Would you spend the rest of your life struggling to be a size 10 figure! You wash, you cook, you clean, and he still isn’t happy, satisfied, it still isn’t enough.

        Even if you did get to be a size 10, there would be something else. The longer that you stay in this relationship, the more it is going to chip away at you. Eating away at your self esteem.

        Is he the father of your son? If he isn’t I would establish no contact and stick with it immediately. If he is, there needs to be contact only for your son.

        But expect the games to come afterwards, constant manipulation and control. But don’t let him wear you down. You need no contact to get back your strength, and it will come back, as right now he is preying on your weaknesses, and taking your strength away.

    2. Hey Jade, before I write anything, I want to send you a huge hug!! You sound like you need it. I am presuming that you have now split with him? I have written a few posts about moving on, and recovery. How best to do it. (look at the links at the top, there is a section healing and recovery) I have just written a post about how they tap into your weaknesses, and use those to exploit you.

      First of all, can you write a list of all the good things about him? And write a list about all the bad things about him – next to those, write how those traits make you feel. Get it out. How you feel is common. You have been emotionally abused.

      Advice is
      1. Establish no contact – no contact at all
      2. Don’t be scared of this, as when you stop focusing your power on him, power will come back to you!! If he creeps into your mind, in thoughts, try to switch those thoughts off…. as thinking of him, sends him energy!!
      3. Then write a list – all the things you LOVE about you!! All the things that make you proud to be you.
      4. Write a list of things you need to do. What you want to achieve. Find some dreams. Write step by step goals, how you can achieve those things. It might be small things – but as you cross little things off, you will feel a sense of achievement, getting your own life back.
      5. Try to make contact with old friends. You might be surprised, I did this, and am starting to rebuild my social life again.
      6. Write let it out
      7. Email me so I can send you the address of a support forum, where there are other people who can walk through recovery with you!

      Jade YOU are still in there. It is just that he used your weaknesses to exploit you, to abuse you. I promise that if you start walking, and keep going. And you can do this, that life will get better.

      I am so sorry to read how much you are hurting, and it is evident from your post. My email is on the contact section at the top in ‘about me’…. if you send me an email, I will mail you back an address of a good support forum, where you too can come out of the fog.

      Read as much as you can. Understand as much as you can. But don’t allow what has happened to define you. You deserve so much better. And if he has a house etc… well great…. know this, you won’t be abused in that house! …. You can move on. You have the ability to love and to feel. He doesn’t.

      You will. Where you are right now. Everyone has been there. Read also the articles about how they love to make you jealous… its deliberate and its controlling.

      Thank you for your comments. You can do this, and you can move on, to find yourself again. He doesn’t have a part of you, all you describe about yourself, when you met him, is still there within you.

      Read todays post… about exploitation, it might help too. Meeting the pathological liar, teaches you one thing more than anything….. to learn to trust yourself!!

      1. Thanks for your words of encouragement no I haven’t left him he is sleeping soundly while I’m struggling silently with insomnia yes he is the father to our 1 year old and continually tells me he will take him and both him and the other boys will grow up to hate me! I think inside myself that I do want to marry him but I don’t know why anymore wether it’s because I feel he is the only person that will want me after 4 children (as he has drilled into me) or because somewhere deep down I really do love him but the more I read about sociopaths the more I believe he is one and it kills me to know its all been a lie I feel so stupid for supporting him through court for previous relationship domestic violence charges and his total lack of remorse and seriousness when having to do an anger manegment course in his words ” that woman is fucked what does she know she needs taking down a peg or 2″ I even contacted her after him attacking me whilst pregnant and she told me that she knew he wasn’t right the look in his eyes she sensed he was evil and I needed to report him but she couldn’t with out me but surprise I didn’t I feel like I’m so consumed with the why does he get to move on why foes he get everything it’s so shit I want to focus on me and the boys but I’m obsessed with him bring with someone else surely this is normal right…? I know I have gotten over heart ache in the past but this is different. I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper out of control of my emotions and logical thinking but I know that what he wants I found videos of myself on his phone of me retaliating and yelling at him trying to build evidence that I am unstable as a mother I thank god I didn’t go to the doctor ad he instructed and say I need medicating as I was all part of his plan. I wrote a list of good points about him but mainly were just about the things he buys me and the way he makes love to me ( when he does these days) he usually just says I have issues and that’s all I care about doesn’t seem to think being intimate is a natural part of a relationship and we only had sex do much to start with because it was a honeymoon phase I honestly didn’t think this type of person really existed especially not in my little world of tassie he honestly should be locked up! Luckily there is still parts of me that knows the old jade is there and can one day shine back through:)

      2. This man is really controlling you….and it is hard to know what you ‘feel’ when you are being emotionally abused. The worst thing….

        Is how he makes you feel about yourself. That is the most important thing, how you make someone feel about themselves! He is not making you feel good.

        Additionally, for the future, what will it teach your sons, about a) respect for a woman b) respect for you? And that might be more heartbreaking.

        This ISN’T your fault! They are very clever, devious, manipulative –

        Does he tell lies as well, as sociopaths are masters of deception – they lie all of the time.

        If not…. maybe look at Narcissistic personality disorder.

  7. Have you also looked at narcissistic personality disorder? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

    Sociopaths do have predatory stare, can bombard you, control you, will gaslight you (there are some videos in the videos link about gaslighting). They are usually great in bed (too much testosterone), is he also charismatic? Sociopaths are very charismatic…. (especially the charismatic ones), the distempered ones are often more narcissistic (alternate between charisma and emotional abuse)

    But from what you are saying, about him recording you on his phone, telling you to go to GP and get medication. Do you have any support in your area for domestic violence, or are you scared to do this? If you email me, i will give you the address for the support group that I know of. Having group support can really help. As they do ‘crazy’ so well, and also are fantastic at making YOU feel crazy…. (and making others believe it too) it can be difficult to talk to people. Often victims are left isolated with little support.

    From what you have said, I would be incredibly wary of marrying someone like this, it wont get better. It only gets worse the longer that you stay with it!.

    1. I definitely think he is a sociopath as I keep reading it just mirrors everything he is and does and is frankly so scary. Just proves noone it really immune from the charms of men like this and slowly but surely I’m beginning to see its him not me! Reading your reply on domestic violence support I don’t think I’m scared I just feel like a failure that I have put up with it again and for so long but I need positive reinforcement to my beautiful boys that mummy is strong and you don’t treat women like that and I know it’s not too late to show them. As I sit here and plan my escape i hope he passes in his sleep but then again that would be too good for him don’t know why I’m still so shocked and at the way I have been treated worse than a dog for so long I will be making an app with Gp it needs to be done as I know next time he strangles me till I pass out I may not wake up .. I will send u email shortly thank you x

      1. If there is domestic violence involved, if you recognise him as as one, he would be a distempered and not charismatic.

        I really strongly urge you to get support from a domestic violence in your area. If he is one, you really are in danger, as what will happen the next time that he has rage?

        I have been with both a charismatic and distempered type. The distempered was far more damaging.

        Not only can they help to get you safe, they can support you if you want to get out, to get out safely.

        The time when you leave, is the most dangerous of all. You really will need support, especially for your boys.

        Even a charismatic one, is hell to leave. And dangerous too, you see the mask slip then, and a different character appears.

        Don’t feel this is you, its not you. You are the healthy one. Children are beautiful, and there are men out there who are healthy and would love to have children in their life. They are always a blessing.

        Did he radically change when you became pregnant? As they often do, they see this as now you are owned by them.

        Psychos cant really love. THe most that they feel is ownership and control. They see you as someone that they own. That they manipulate to get what they want.

        You are worth so much more than this, and so are your boys. Please get support to get out of this toxic relationship. You will never be able to heal whilst you are with him. You will find that domestic violence services in your area, will support you, and will give you advice, they might be able to place you in a safe house too.

        I know how easy it is to forget the last beating, when they turn on the charm, and more lies…. but did you know it gets worse not better over time?

        There is currently NO cure for psychopathy. Nothing. they do not get better with time. They will always be the same. They have no remorse guilt or shame for their actions. There is something missing in their brain.

  8. pleease help me I am w a hardcore sociopath I jut realized it three days ago. and I m 31 and heres the kicker he is my 1st love I ever had back when I was younger so even before I knew hes wrong I was super hooked now I am just completely unable to walk from him. I know its fake but I crave his atrention, crave him like hes been taylor made for me. please help me. I feel so helpless I am a strong woman but he takes it all away.

  9. Im 57 years old and I was totally head over heels with my “soul mate” and “love of my Life” It was becoming clear to me that all he wanted was a cheer leader for his pathetic life. I was not sure what really was going on – and we split up about 6 months ago. There were times in the relationship that I would tell myself he is a taker – those were the times, I would try to break it off and stay away from only but to no avail. I was always sucked back in. He would start an argument with me and then walk out and sulk for days – a punishment of sorts by not talking to me. I would miss him so dearly, yet in my intelligent moments I would wonder why? I am a very successful and strong independent woman. This last break up, he walked out on me and I let him go. Yet, every day he is in my head. I find myself saying GET OUT OF MY HEAD. He was always jealous of my children, my elderly Father and when there were family outings he never came – I realize now it is because my adult children were onto him and he knew it. Also, he would make me feel guilty because I was with my family and not him.

    During these past 6 months, I suspected he was a sociopath. And now in reading your blogs you have validated my every thought. But more than that, you have helped me to understand key elements of how this all worked, how he stole my dreams and why it is so hard to shake this jerk. Because it was about the dreams, my dreams that became Our dreams.

    Currently he is dating a widow – and I feel so badly for her. During our relationship, one of the things I really wanted to do was “hand dance” as it is called, Jitterbug, Salsa, etc. And guess what – he is with this widow every Wednesday doing hand dancing. We never got around to it – but it was my dream, that became our dream and now he is living that dream. And yes, I feel violated. I feel almost as if my mind has been raped. I am so angry. But I am angry with me. I am a very smart women. Well educated and successful. I appreciate that these sociopaths sink their teeth into my type of person and now he is switching to the unsuspecting widow.

    I am going to do more than say GET OUT OF ME HEAD – i am going to pray specifically to the Archangel and ask for peace. Peace with my inner-self. And I am working on the healing by writing this now. My sisters cannot understand any of this. They cannot understand how someone of my “caliber” was taken in by this person. But I fell in love and now I know it was not with my soul mate. This man is a liar and manipulating sociopath who stole 2.5 years of my life and all my dreams. He was the epitome of the Man Behind the Curtain. All I want to do is have peace. I want to be able to wake up without him in my head. I need to realize he was an illusion of me .I am blessed, I am loving, I am loved and love myself ~ I am love! I am me –

    Thank you for all the wonderful insight. You have validated my every thought – that I second guessed!

    Peace to all

    1. Hi Michelle,

      Thank you for your comment. I feel your pain, through what you write, and also your anger.

      Firstly, remember – confusion won’t last forever.
      Secondly he CANNOT steal you. She does not have anything that you do not. Most victims I have met are intelligent, independent people. Who often ask, how did I get taken in? The truth is, that you were not used to detecting someone of this nature. We think that adults don’t lie, this is the behaviour of children or teenagers…

      Did you really want to marry a child or a teenager? As that is what the compulsive lying, deception, and playing games is. Can you remember being a teenager, being angry and lashing out on your parents? It is like that…. do you really need that for a partner.

      if you are spiritual try cutting the cords that bind you. I have done this, and I did find this to work. Ask Archangel Michael to help you with this. This should remove the constant him being in your head and your field of energy.

      Now, it is time for your healing. For you to forgive yourself. You have done nothing wrong, but love. The truth will set you free. It is painful, and at first it is difficult to come out of the ‘fog’ of the lies and deception.

      But we are all right there with you…. loving someone is not a crime. The way forward, is to let go with love.

      Realise that there are 5 stages of grieving, and that you will have to go through this, to heal and recover. So go easy on yourself, and most importantly – learn to forgive yourself – love yourself – you are worth it!!

  10. Your words are so powerful for me. And all day I have been seeking St Michael’s intercession and it seems to be working! I also have been wearing crystals around my neck in an effort to reclaim my positive energy fields. Thanks for this blog and I pray that all will find the peace from the evil that has entered their lives in the guise of true love. Everything you said has hit the nail on the head. Peace to all ~ Michelle

  11. Just an update to say that without having found this blog I would still be in a fog about what was going on. But thanks to finding this I understood and now I am recovered! The other day the jerk was in line behind me and he mumbled something under his breathe – like “hungry” or something. I prayed to St Michael to help me ignore him. He moved closer and mumbled something else and again I ignored him. I left the store without acknowledging his existence. The jerk could not even say my name. Just stood there and mumbled as if I was going to crumble. I guess you could call it the non crumble mumble. LOL. Thanks again. Prayers to St Michael definitely work. Peace to all – Michelle.

  12. Fantastic, life saving information! Thank you so much for your time and knowledge. I was married to a sociopath for 23 years. He has done absolutely everything to me that all of your articles talk about! He has turned my 33 year old son against me. I have sat in my house for the past 5 years and hated myself…………there will be no more of that! Wonderful, fantastic, I am so excited and relieved…………..I have had another sociopath haunting me for the past 3 years……….tonight I told him to get lost for the 100th time! He is a repeat performance of my husband! Thank God for this information, I am truly grateful! Love to All!

  13. I am a 55 year old Woman who has been severely hurt and damaged from a relationship with a Spath. I met him while I was still married (35 years) to a man that wasn’t a Spath, but who was emotionally abusive. I never had the courage to leave. I met the Spath at a coffee cafe where I would often see him for the past couple of years. One day he stopped and began a conversation and that’s where it all began. It started with constant texting. I was so desperate for a sweet man’s attention and I was reeled in like a fish on a hook. He love bombed me and I felt euphoria – I felt alive, beautiful and confident that this Man and I would spend the rest of our lives together.

    Looking back, I now realize that there were several signs that I ignored. Within 2 months of meeting the Spath, I moved out of my home and filed for divorce. Being the good girl and having no experience with men besides my abusive, self- centered husband, I needed to break all bonds with my marriage before I could move forward with someone else. All awhile being encouraged by the Spath. In the meantime my husband went from telling me to get a lawyer and don’t let the door hit me in the tush, and then was shocked when I actually did it . He began to beg me to come back, started getting counseling for anger management, etc.. I was not going back, I was in love with this brilliant new man who made me feel happy to be alive. He talked to me and made me laugh- things that were so unfamiliar to me. He built my horrible self esteem by telling me constantly that I was beautiful. He called me princess!

    it took me 8 months to find out the following:

    Spath told me that he was married once and had been divorced and celibate for 8 years. In actuality, he was still married to a second wife.

    Lied about his age by 2 years.

    Told me that he had 3 Daughters when he actually has only 2.

    Owned and recently sold a very expensive home that never existed. He is a 53 year old Man that lives with his Mother since his second wife threw him out 3 years ago.

    Has 3 engineering degree’s when actually he only has a high school education.

    Was seeing at least one other Women when he was with me.

    Owned a very successful business – doesn’t exist.

    His first wife was a horrible person (terrible names) who cheated on him,etc.. In actuality she is a very nice person who put up with his lies and shenanigans for many years and then virtually raised the children -alone.

    I could go on and on as this is a very minuscule example of the lies that he fed me about himself and his life on a daily basis, and that I so gullibly believed! I can see now that I was simply a pawn in a game. He is a master manipulator. I am an open person who was hurting and he quickly summed me up and became everything I so desperately needed. I cooked for him – he loved to eat! He said that before me nobody cared about him and made him feel like a man. I made love with him and for the first time in my life -that too was wonderful.it was all a lie. As soon as I discovered some truth’s and I confronted him – he ran. This Man who would tell me that he couldn’t live without me – ran and ran fast.

    I was left devastated and left with no closure. We had never even argued in the past. Believing that he truly was celibate for 8 years ( am I a fool or what!) I ran to my Dr. And had him test me for every possible thing. I never ever knew people like this existed! I had been seeing a therapist since I left my marriage and she couldn’t help me when it came to getting over a sociopath. I am ashamed to talk to my friends and Family about it. It has been a year now and I still find it difficult to get through every single day. There are days when I have even wanted to call him and be with him and that is crazy! I know that no contact is the only way to recover.. This blog has helped me to realize that I am not alone and that there is hope for healing. I just worry that after a year, I should be further in the healing process then I am.

    I know that this Man has devastated the lives of 3 Women and there is probably more and I know that he is doing it right now again to another poor soul. I only know her name – if I had her phone number I would reach out to her. I don’t want there to be more victims!

    I am sharing my story in hopes that it helps someone as I have been helped from reading your stories. My sincerest thanks and blessings to all of you.

    1. Hi mimi thank you for sharing your story. I am pleased though that you have recognised the space that you were in when you met him how he assessed you then mirrored you to be everything that you felt you wanted and needed.

      I hope that you can start on the road of healing and recovery, and find those things that you were looking for, within yourself. Happiness comes from within – true happiness…. you will find it, if you focus on you. Welcome to the site 🙂

    2. Hi Mimi….

      I just wanted to respond to your post as I just read it today. Your story is so much like my own. I was in my mid 50s also; had been married for 20 years and realized we were drifting apart due to circumstances beyond my control at the time. I knew the spath for about eight years…was friends with he and his wife and family. He made the first move on me. He knew I was gullible and I bought it all, hook line and sinker. I got divorced and he did, too, a year after me. We ended up together for about four years.

      The only real difference in our stories is his lies were different, but they were lies nonetheless. I suffered the same outcome you are suffering now. But please let me say that even after a year after I left, I still found myself struggling to let go of what he’d done to me.

      Let me also say that he did move on to a new victim…..a woman he had been seeing while we were still living together. I found out about a year after we were apart that they started a relationship months before ours completely ended. On a fluke, I also found out who she was and did contact her to warn her. She actually called me for details as she had already caught him in lies, but forgave him. So, even after all that I shared with her, I believe they are still together. She will have to find out in her own timeframe, I guess, as adult sociopaths will not change. The ending was so horrific for me that I simply didn’t want to see that happen to someone else. I believe my warning fell on deaf ears. I did what I could, the rest is up to her.

      At this point in time, I couldn’t care less about him. By the way, I, too, am an independent, strong woman who got sucked into a relationship with someone who seemed charming, kind, giving, but in reality was a liar, cheater and manipulator.

      You can get over this. It takes different amounts of time for each one of us. But believe in you and know that you deserve so much better than what this guy could ever offer. He won’t change. He took complete advantage of you, just like mine did me.

      It has taken awhile, but I have now found that inner peace I so longed for….and you can do.

      I wish you strength as you move forward…..

      carolann

  14. My Spath (actually not “mine” but that of a family member) tells me that they will “always be a part of [family member’s] life”… which seems pretty bold considering that they just started their “relationship” a few months ago. I feel like this is pretty similar to the “I love you”–stating it in a more public way, I guess.

  15. just a simple comment…. i am a man and unfort i have been with a sociopath for 5 years because we have a child together…. i resent that most of the posts here are written in the ‘male’ vernacular and it is not always the case.

    Imagine how hard it is for me to break this cycle when there is a child involved. This woman has cheated on my 3 times at least (those i have caught) taken money on the promise of paying it back … and never did… about 30k right now…. continues to play the victim and never admits fault. Did i forget the pathological liar bit? her last episode was to throw a teenage tantrum on the way home from holiday so she could stop. She opened the door of a moving vehicle on a motorway so i would stop the car.

    Please dont assume it is just men…. it breaks my heart to have a little boy in the middle of all this.

    M

  16. I would like to offer up a slightly different behavior, but focusing on the ABSENCE of the same 3 words….. my sociopath RARELY said I Love You. He handed it out like some rare gem… I was supposed to wait for it. when I asked about why he hadn’t said in so long – he said “well i am depressed” or “you don’t deserve it” or “you’re so needy!” or “you shouldn’t need me to say it… you should just know”… 8-\ really?!?!?!? wtf is wrong with this person!!!!?! and the way he kept me around waiting to hear it is that he would emptily give out promises… when we move in together, when i buy you this, I’ll marry you when i only want it to be you, when we do this…. but then saying openly days apart “i’ll never get married, i’ll never ask you to marry me, we’ll never move in together,” etc . sending me on an emotional rollercoaster. that when i hear the good promises it kept me around hoping i was as wrong and crazy and jealous as he made me out to be. wow.

    1. I think that those who are more narcissistic are like this (also try narcissistic personality disorder) – or the sadist distempered ones… charsmatic ones say whatever they can to get whatever they can from you. Their words are usually flowery and over the top as there is no emotional connection to the words that they are saying – true narcissists (who are not sociopaths) – say or dont say things just to hurt you… 😦

  17. I dated a 58 year old women,sociopath for over two years everything said in this web site is absolutely true,do not try to change them you can’t.Even if you love them and play the game.I gave up and haves move on but I know she will contact me again sooner our later it could be months but she will.

    1. I’d like to add to comments about a sociopath,they will fulfill all your needs and fantasies if you let them. They are intelligent,smart,crafty.The women I dated was able to give me what I was missing in my life,it’s like she sacrificed herself to get what she wanted and I believe she was crying out for help,and I walk away,

      1. Thank you,for the info on your site it really open my mind to what a sociopath person is living and doing to other people.

      2. Sorry can you explain,you can only change you.
        I was married for 30 years,lost that!
        I operated a successful business for 17years,lost that!
        Today am and AZ transport driver living with my son in my home,and nearly lost that! If I didn’t leave this sociopath.

  18. He was constantly saying that he likes me, and always asking what was on my mind ….
    “Ik zie je zo graag … ‘
    ” aan wa denk je ? “

  19. I have loved and lived with a sociopath for 9 years.I am finally.it is the worst experience of my entire life! Its like being.kidnapped and held hostage.its not fun ladies run for your life literally.

  20. :”( thank you so much for the validation…. I had been raising my children alone for 10yrs when my life changed irrevocably for 5yrs, and who know how much longer?? I was successful, perhaps over confident, independent, lived in an amazing place with a life I loved. Now 5yrs later, I’m a shadow of that same person. He acknowledges this is because of him, yet he accuses me of it. When I started reading, I pinched myself, because it’s exactly my story, even tho it’s just a description. I kept him at arms lengths because it was too much, too fast, but we’d known each other many years before… I should’ve realised the day I went to pick him up from the airport. We lived in different states. But we’d been met half way, and if even been down to stay with him. But nope…. A few moths later and it’s on again. Then off… All at his call, with no discussion…. Sometimes he’d change his number. Never spoke with me only text and email…. I wish I had just contemplated sociopathic behaviour… But there was also so many mitigating circumstances… Most were true, all was manipulated… Even now, OMG :”( anyway, he is moving his belongings out tomorrow, he’s at his wife’s AGAIN -i say wife because neither will out the divorce papers in … VERY WEIRD!!! but refuses to give me the key until the rent he has paid for has expired…. Idiot doesn’t realise I changed the locks a week ago. But I’m sooo angry. I don’t know how I will ever trust again. I had trust issues to a point before him.. But when someone you love almost more than life itself, lies to you about lying, how do you move on? This site has helped me immensely, but no one knows because how do you explain it to anyone? When it’s happening you cannot explain it, “you look like a nut” and you eventually believe it. I get abused for ‘remembering’ for not immediately deleting emails and texts an even today, for keeping a photograph of the filthy house we moved into… I told one I my daughters the other night, well tried to explain, but luckily I had texts from just one week where he goes from loving to walking out because I’m suspicious and don’t believe a word he says when he says hasn’t lied to me a month I should believe him. The only reason I told her was because she wanted me to really try and work it out with him. And I have tried so many times… If only I’d suspected his character trait earlier. But as I said to her this morning, every word he writes is another step away from him… How do I heal? How do I stop loving him. I think that’s what makes me the angriest… I still love him even tho I know i better… What do I do?? He even admitted yesterday, that if I had and continued to treat him as he has me he would not be happy, that’s it was and is wrong… But “not my problem, we’re not together anymore” says he :”( So much I want to say to him… But email and text is frustrating… Help :”(

    1. Hi Josephine, you know in your heart that this man is not good for you. What you need to do, and to heal is to establish no contact. Read these posts – I hope that they help. And if it gets hard and you want to contact – DON’T read here and elsewhere online ask for help.

      Here is why no contact works. What to do if you are finding it difficult.

      https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/establish-no-contact/
      https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/establish-no-contact/how-to-get-your-feelings-out-without-breaking-no-contact/

  21. Thank you for creating this helpful website. The ex I dated was a classic example of a Sociopathic individual. We were dating from October 2011 to September 2013. While we were ‘dating’ she filled me with beautiful music on what we were and how perfect we were ‘together’.

    While the whole time she was still dating one of her “ex’s” unbeknownst to me. She also broke another rule about meeting and contacting our exes. She sleeps with this married musician and sees no problem with this and feels no guilt for doing this to his wife. (Hello another wake up sign) I told her for us to work she can go to the concerts but with me. She went to at least one of his concerts (she admitted to this but when I got mad she started to clam up). I think she saw him at least one more time than what she told me. Why do I think this, well when we were getting intimate one time she brought up ‘out of the blue’ that “she was so over him” and she seemed like she was reliving a time when she also said “his penis is so small and only his head is above my fingers when I grab him.” She has been sleeping with him for years and she gets supply out of sleeping with someone famous and talented.

    Like it was written in your text above Positiva girl, her lies and my wanting to see her as perfect clouded my judgement. The first clues of her SP behavior came very early in the relationship. We went on a Caribbean vacation and while there she got really drunk and hit me on the head with a key. She apologized and said she never hit any of her exes because she never felt such a connection. (??What?? 🙂 The next clue was when she was transferring job locations. I had offered to move her when she brought her move up but she was non committal. Later she said that her ex was going to help her. I protested but she said she had things at his house and he was going to move it all out for her and she was happy with this because she wanted him out of her life. ???? now in hindsight she was just using both of us.

    When she was not able to pass the job interview in January of this year for her prestigious job and thus was forced to resign she chose to live in her hometown and not with me and my children. She said she chose the hometown to be near her niece and nephew and to help one of her girlfriends who was going through a rough time. (She liked to say, I need to take care of my family, and when trying to make me feel guilty said I had family that cares and she does not) She said she was living with her gf but was living with her other boyfriend. What is really screwed up is that she always said he was more like a Dad but that didn’t stop her from admitting to sleeping with him, even though when she admitted this to me she said she always thought of me when she was being intimate with him. Also during the summer of 2012 her “ex” stayed with her for a few months while she was serving in a foreign country.

    She always asked me if I loved her and one of her sayings was “what is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine”. She said this in a funny way, and I would always counter her on that. When we would argue or I would stick up for myself and especially about my emotions or paying for things she would get mad at me and try to guilt me into doing her bidding. There were also a few instances when she would say “what’s in it for me?”, for instance when I said we need a pre-nup before getting married.

    One time I left a browser open on a website I subscribe to and she wrote the following (excerpted):
    START
    ..when you are evolved, spirituality is what counts in this world. If getting laid is the most important thing, this equates to a sad and lonely existence. Getting laid by exs or new women will not ultimately bring satisfaction to those who are lost or searching. Get to the root cause of the insecurity…

    END
    She wrote about being evolved and she is by her own words “a highly evolved being.” She wrote about getting laid by ex’s and she had sex with at least one and probably more while I was faithful to her and even felt bad when I did respond to an email to an ex when me and the SP were broken up. (we broke up so many times during the relationship, I counted at least six times. Even though we were broken up and then got back together I would tell her what I had been up to but did not get the same in return.

    Another thing that bothered me was when she lost her prestigious job, she continued to get paid by the government. She saw no problem with this and I told her she needed to return the money. She didn’t even think about having to pay the taxes on the unearned income. She got really mad at this and when we were broken up and I told the government she said I was being vengeful and to stay out of her affairs. (She had so many affairs, lol)

    There is so much more that I have written to help make me see things more clearly (as I have so many notes) but will leave this short because some I want to keep for myself.

    But in summary here is a bullet point style brief of the SP I dated:
    1. Pathologically lied
    2. Hypocrite
    3. Try to use fear on me and she put me down in ways that seemed like she was doing me a favor by dating me
    4. Lacked any semblance of guilt
    5. Never cried Although she faked it
    6. Was extremely sexual (always said I couldn’t go days w/o sex when we had sex every day because of her choosing)
    7. Put down her friends when they would sleep around and get hurt
    8. Acted moralistic and spiritual (She had dreams of her and God being intimate)

    What was I thinking being with her?

    Reading this site keeps me balanced and I now feel pity for her (Although I felt it for her in the past because she made it a point in our relationship how bad her life had been) but this is different. I pity her for the shallow emotions she feels, her alcoholism, lack of impulse control, lack of empathy and, the lies she builds her life on. For a couple weeks I wanted to tell all of her friends what she is but as a result of this site it would do no good. It felt great to hold back the impulse and make an informed decision and I am really proud of myself for breaking free of this toxic relationship. On a lighter note my hair is not falling out anymore and through self introspection I am healing as a person and i am happier now.

    Once again, thank you Positivagirl for the website and sharing your experiences. Glad you are out of the relationship as well.

    Take care.

  22. He said I love you all the time. We said it constantly. He said it within 2 weeks. I normally would never think you could fall in love that fast but with him I did. He eventually convinced me we were soul mates too even though I never used to believe in that. I’m just still really sad that this great and amazing love wasn’t real.

  23. This is a bit ignorant to say, but being a gay man, it’s still hard to imagine I was manipulated by a sociopath for two years. The cherry on the cake was him lying about having cancer for money.

    1. Cancer is a popular one Heya, as they think that nobody in their right mind would fake that (or this is what we think) so it is a good cover. My ex faked that the mother of his child was dying of cancer. He was very elaborate and dramatic. Wailing and crying – fake telephone calls…. faking cancer is something I have heard of a lot. Its stunning when you discover the truth isn’t it? I was blown away.

  24. Exactly the same thing. I’m still trying to get away from him though. I was his “Ultimate prize” The 21 year old virgin who had never succumbed to another relationship. I was surprised myself when I fell hard. I fell for the Jack I first met. He was so sweet, fun to be around, did everything I wanted to do. He was saying I love you after 12 days. I didn’t say it back because I never believed I could love anyone so he turned up the charm. I had said it back by the three week mark. As soon as he changed it took me a month and two weeks to figure out I didn’t want to be there after a scary rage episode when I had done something without his permission. He still works through the stages to try and get me back. Still not working, but he is a drug dealer and he has a lot of connections and it is very intimidating and sometimes I fear for my safety. I still have contact with a few people he has under his spell and for the safety of the children involved I’m not willing to walk away from them. I know it makes it harder for myself but I love these children as if they were my own. I still can’t believe he is actually like a full blown sociopath. Its hard to digest. But he is. I know it in my heart and in my stomach. As well as my head. Everything adds up. The way he tried to mirror everyone in my family when he first met them. He did everything they did. The outrageous lies that I believed for a long time. It wasn’t until I got out of the relationship that I realised just how big the holes were in his lies and how he had confused me to cover them up. I honestly feel like an idiot for being charmed by the slimy snake. There is something wrong with his family. I knew that when I met them and I know even more so now. Jack claims to have helped his dad kill a man and dispose of the body when he was just 12 years old because the guy assaulted his mother. Its very hard to tell if its another lie or if its a disturbing truth just based on how crazy his father is, I wouldn’t doubt he could do it though, not for a second. He says his father was abusive, used to beat his mother, him and siblings every day. He was distancing me from my family. He had almost convinced me to move in with him after 2 months and got offended when I said slow down. Then said he was willing to wait as long as I needed. He convinced me not to be on any contraception which lead to a miscarriage in the third month of our relationship. I was 5 weeks at the time. That put me in a very bad mental state and he only had time for it some of the time. The rest of the time it was just an inconvenience. He was crazy addicted to sex. He would throw full blown tantrums every time i said no. And I mean the kicking and flailing around like a two year old kind of tantrum. His favourite line was “Just let me plaaayyyyyy” In a drawn out sooky childs voice. I’ve never been comfortable with it and was perplexed about what was so different about him. Now I know. I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. He still finds some other shit to hold over me. He used one of the children against me. But it backfired when she told him I’m not a liar or a bad influence and that she loves me not him. Ahh, I’m still in mental shut down, i don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore so I’m out. Its just upsetting to relive all over again.,.. P.S. (His name isn’t really Jack. It just rhymes with it and I call him that because he is the Jack of all trades.)

  25. I’m so happy I’ve discovered your site! It has brought understanding to the mess my ex-boyfriend has made of our “relationship!” I know now that absolutely nothing about that relationship was real. I would receive Good Morning text messages that would end with, I love you! This guy was good …. He would shower me with words of love and admiration throughout the day and night. Random phone calls from work professing his love for me and in front of his friends and family! Of course this was always over the phone as we lived 2,500 miles away from one another. He asked a question one day that I thought was really odd …. The question was, Is your love for me conditional or unconditional? Me being the strong willed woman that I am …. I responded, CONDITIONAL. That wasn’t the response he wanted as that showed he didn’t have that 100% control that he was working so hard to establish. Time most certainly opened my eyes to the web of deceit my ex was trying to trap me in …. And the use of love was the most upsetting.

    I know now, that he has a personality disorder and it’s not for me to help him understand that! I just hate that I fell for the foolish I love you …. You complete me bull he fed me!!!

    1. Hi Carmel. Welcome to the site!! 🙂 in dating they are reliant on ‘love’ to entrap you and ensnare you. I think this is why victims can struggle to let go and fall in love after the relationship. How you describe is exactly what they do.

  26. This is exactly what I struggled to understand in my relationship. How could someone who loved me treat me so badly. How could he profess to love me in one breath and then tell me what a loser, whore, ugly, fat bitch I was in the next. It was all terribly confusing. I”m still confused. I don’t know what was real in our relationship. I will never know because he committed suicide in May of 2012.

      1. He was never clinically diagnosed. I have done loads of reading on the subjects of Sociopaths, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Domestic Abuse, Emotional abuse and Control issues. My ex had bits and pieces of traits of a Sociopath, and a Narcissist.

      2. I haven’t found a good therapist in my town. I am looking for someone to work with to deal with the after math of my relationship. I have done lots of reading on the subject and I think I have a good handle on understanding what happened to me. I have yet to figure out how to effectively deal with the repercussions. Inability to trust, fear of being vulnerable, learning to trust my instincts. I am hopeful that someday I will be ok, right now I am very much in the trenches, fighting for my sense of wholeness and safety.

      3. I hope that you do find a good therapist Rebecca. I haven’t been through someone taking their life after abuse, but from what I have read from victims, it can be particularly traumatic to go through. It sounds as if you could use some additional support, to work through what has happened to you. How you feel about inability to trust, fear of being vulnerable and learning to trust your instincts, I think is common for all that have been in abusive relationships. You also have the addiction complexities of him taking his life, which I imagine will bring a lot of additional feelings into how you are feeling. I am wondering, do you think that you might have PTSD from what has happened to you? Have you ever tried an online test to see where you score for PTSD? As this can be treated.

  27. I dated a guy (gay relationship) who lied about his name, address, education and employment. Over time when those lies started to unravel, he simply replaced those lies with others. My head was So gridlocked by his constant lies and deceptions. Trouble was I had fallen in love with him. He only ever told me that he loved me twice – which he later recanted claiming that he didn’t know how those words came out of his mouth – very cruel tactics to keep me bound, confused and totally bamboozled. I knew he had a sad story behind him, and this was the power he held over me – my compassion. After our first break up, or more accurately after he discarded me, fortunately something broke within me. When we later got back together the magic I had first felt had started to disappear. This sent him into overdrive to keep me bound to him. But I kept up my guard and relentlessly questioned his lies and deceptions. Ultimately I gave him an ultimatum and he chose himself. He was clever though and despite being apart, he began divulging truthful aspects of his life to me – I was nearly hooked back in, but the anxiety of being with him, outweighed the pain of walking away. So I have instituted the ‘no contact’ rule. It’s bloody difficult somedays, but his mind games totally screwed with my head. I have always prided myself on having a sound mind and I hate that I am still so head f**ked by his deceptive, lying antics. These people are dangerous game players – and yet we fall in love with them? Peace and hope to anyone walking away from a narc/sp – we need all the help we can get!

      1. Really appreciate the site. It is so refreshing to read your posts and others comments. I had no name for the evil that nearly derailed my life. I just thought I was going insane. And the shame I felt was two-fold, firstly I just felt so cruel for not being able to walk with this person, and then I just felt so stupid for ignoring all those glaring red-flags that were there from day one. The biggest lesson that I learnt through this season is to listen to my anxiety. Anxiety really is a friend. It sounds an alarm within us that something is just not right. My head is finally starting to clear, but my heart is lagging behind. I hate that I still crave him, but I am trying to use that knowledge to look deeper within my life to understand why I crave something that is cruel and mean. The most resounding thing that I read is the need for ‘no contact’. Makes perfect sense, but it is the hardest thing to actually stick to. And yet every day that passes with no interference or manipulation is a blessed day. I look so forward to the day where my head and heart are aligned. I know he will return and I am working damn hard to come to that place where I just don’t care about him anymore. But those damned promises of a wonderful future together keep tripping me up and continue to question my resolve. And then I have to remember that it was all a lie – everything. Thanks again for providing such a great resource to help recovery 🙂

  28. My boyfriend is showing all the signs of the socio, breaking up and making up, declaring his love for me yet he fails to how me he cares, I am the one to rack my brains wondering why the relationship fails to work and we are always breaking up, no plans, he hides everything from me, lives a lie, very secretive, hates it when I ask questions, he always turns the table on me, blames me for all faults in the relationship, no matter how much I try…
    I have bought so many self help books on relationships to try and make things work, some days I blame myself, we rarely have any quality conversations, or even have fun, he will text me daily telling me how much he loves me and misses me, yet he makes excuses when I ask to spend time with him, everything is on his terms, I have no plans with him after 5yrs in this relationship, everything is just blame, lies, yet he wants to be with me and says we were made for each other…He keeps blowing hot and cold and it confuses me, I just don’t know were I stand, if I try to discuss the future he shifts into a silent mode,

    some days he looks like hes changing, but that only last for a few days and then back to same old. Im really tired and frustrating, I think about the relationship a lot, actually every minute, wondering wht is going on, I feel sad, insecure, overwhelmed with a rock bottom self esteem, I don’t know how to get out of this and mive onn, im scared no one will care for me again, we are both in our 40s we use to live together now hes gone back to live with his mum..
    Please can anyone give me some advice, I just need some help to get some perspective of this situation, honestly im stuck, I feel used, abused yet im still in love with the guy… some days I even block him from my fone, then after he tries to call so many times, I feel sad and unblock him. im stuck,
    my friends says the guy has some serious problem, his face is expressionless, no matter when hes happy or sad, no facial expression., some days he will text me non stop declaring so much love for me, he will buys me gifts, take me for meals, drinks, other days he just flatly ignores me, and when I cut him off, he comes back with so many I love u and I miss u words, sometimes I feel he just wants to make sure im not going anywhere else, so he plays on my feelings.
    My bf never ever acknowledge how I feel or if im hurting, some days I think he relishes in seeing me confused and hurt, he keeps saying are u ok? did u sleep well? like he is eager to know how much he is affecting me…
    Please anyone out there, try and help mme see some perspective.

    Thanks ad sorry for long post.
    kadija

    1. Kadija, it’s been a month since you posted this and I just stumbled upon your desperate plea. I am sorry no one in this support group reached out to you. I hope, as I did, that you took the time to read some of the other wonderful posts the site founder, positivagirl, provides. You’ll see your love and yourself in many of the examples.

      If you were to go through and look at mine since last summer, you’d probably be amazed at the situation I am left in! The thing is, all of us are victims! All of us, like addicts, have at least once, returned to our drug of choice- “love”. I can’t tell you exactly where you fit in with your psychopath, or spath as it is referred to on here a lot. I reasoned that mine was a hybrid- he is not as bad as the type that inspired positivagirl to found this site, but he’s hurting me, and like you, I am filled with anxiety.

      And then there’s the “no contact” clause. I give my self a break because of the holidaze, recent death of not only my mom, but two beloved cats- as an excuse for returning ( for the zillionth time) to be in his embrace. My latest theory? I had lost my best friend a year ago last summer. She was my “drama queen” in my life. Loved her, but she couldn’t help but bring ANY situation into a state of drama. I never needed much, for whenever my life lacked for it, I could call her up and get an earfull! But, she’s gone. My mom? Same way, but in a much less childish manner and besides, she was my mom. I could never tell her “oh please don’t share your drama with me today”! I ALWAYS listened to her strifes with my stepPop. She’s gone now, too. And so here’s my theory. I went BACK to my spath because he somehow fills this void in my life. I live a very quiet, systematic, some say boring life. I do the same things, I eat the same foods. I watch the same shows on TV, read the same blogs. My mad search for the ordinary?

      My spath is love bombing someone new. I just saw him last night ( it was my only choice- he gave me either that night or nothing, weekends are out- he won’t give them to me anymore!). So, even though I had plans, I changed them to see him. I needed to be with him, I miss his kisses and his loving. We are the best together. He even tells me that I blow this new love out of the water. It’s sick but you know what I am doing ( even though others on here say it won’t work)? I have joined dating sights and will meet and date others at my will. I never would do this before, because I am loyal and I honestly wanted to be monogymous with him. I also am in my late 40’s, and I have played the one night stands, the crazy dates, etc. Guess I am getting tired after all the years of games and my spath seemed to be loyal, and loving. I don’t really care if he strays with this or anyone else. He still is sick- and has no self-control. Look at the character traits listed in these pages and he had many of them. Even your lover sounds very similar to mine! They all share common traits of discontent. Why I fell so hard for him and why I give myself a break.

      Don’t linger any longer. Join a dating online site, or whatever way you can get out and socialise. Be sneaky about it if you have to. Our spaths do not deserve nor warrant our loyalty or trust. Lie to them if you have your first date. Lie like I will until I find someone I want to focus on. Then, when that time comes, I will tell my spath just as cold heartedly as he did to me that I “have met somebody”. I don’t think it will hurt them, I don’t think they actually will even care. I do it this way to bide my time, and so that it will be easier on me. I don’t really care if it doesn’t work. Maybe it won’t, but I can still get my lovin’ and on the run now. How many songs have been written about this? Love is so hard- and we as feeling humans with needs is not wrong. I don’t think there is any wrong way to escape.

      No contact is the logical reaction to extreme abuse. But love like ours?
      I don’t think so necessary. We can play their deceptive game, get our fill of lovin’ for whatever that’s worth ( it’s worth a lot when you’re lonely). The day will come when we meet a truly nice person. Then, we can slowly fade from the spath’s life. Sad to say, that is what they deserve. I quit a long time ago worrying about his feelings when he has done so much to destroy mine. I with ya- we all are on here. I hope you get this. I hope you read it and it gives you strength to either pursue no contact, or do as I am. I feel good when a new person on line hits me up for a conversation. Still haven’t had my first date, but it is exciting to meet new people, always has been! Don’t be scared, do either. You have to for yourself. You will get over this chump! Do not let your sadness or depression convince you otherwise. There are miracle stories galore on here. Read and inform yourself. I do feel better then I have in a long time for recognising and making the first steps to move on. I don’t worry about my love, he doesn’t worry about me.
      Peace

  29. My ex never told me he loved me, but he would often ask me “Do you feel loved?”. He asked me this same question even shortly before the discard.
    I don’t know what I thought, honestly. A particularly endearing way to tell me he loved me?
    Now I just see it as a piece of his manipulation, his assessment. I think what he was really checking was “Are you (still) stupid enough to think you really mean anything to me other than an outlet for sex and my need to control and have power over you?”
    In the almost 4 weeks since the discard, my eyes have opened, and this blog has helped tremendously. There isn’t a blog post here where I don’t see him, us, myself and our relationship much more clearly.
    Some of the realizations are really hard to handle, lies, deceit, the cruelty and emotional abuse.
    In past relationships I had often been told that I was too private, didn’t share much about myself. So this time, because I really, really liked this man, I decided to share and be open and upfront about myself and my life.
    When he and I first met I was still in treatment for PTSD due to a traumatic event I witnessed early this year. I told him this, I shared my deepest dreams and hopes with him, along with a difficult childhood history. Within only a few weeks he turned around and used all this against me and at times downright tormented me.
    This was (thankfully) a short relationship. I can’t imagine where this would be headed if it were to go on, or if I went back to him.

    I have never felt so betrayed in my life.

    Reading the blog posts here and the comments shows me that I am not alone, and there is some comfort in that. But it is also sad, because so many of us have been abused and tormented, and had our heart broken by these sociopaths. I don’t wish this much hurt and sense of betrayal on anyone.

  30. First of all I want to say wonderful blog!
    I had a quick question in which I’d like to ask
    if you do not mind. I was curious to find out how you center
    yourself and clear your mind prior to writing. I have had difficulty clearing
    my thoughts in getting my ideas out. I truly do
    take pleasure in writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are lost just trying to figure out how to begin.
    Any suggestions or hints? Thank you!

    1. The thing is with writing is that you have to have something to say. Sometimes I write prolifically and have lots to say. Other times I don’t. If I don’t I have learned not to force it. We a’ll get writers block I know I do. I find If I try to force it when I have writers block is when I write the worst.

      It depends also who you are writing for? Are you writing for you, or to help other people? Who are your audience?

      I just bought a lot of art materials as that will help me to relax so I can be more focused. The most important thing is that you really have to have something to say.

      Write with your heart then edit with your head. Listen to your readers and what they are saying.

  31. I have read several excellent stuff here.
    Certainly worth bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how much effort you place to create this sort of great informative website.

  32. I have long thought I was in a relationship with a SP. (Without knowingwhat a sociopath is, but seeing strange behavior) But, of course I didn’t want to believe it. Ours was very confusing in that he is an alcoholic also, so sometimes he/we/I would blame things on that also. I say we, because I he was in a bizarre relationship(?) with a married woman a few months before I hooked up with him. Long story short..I came, I went, I came back again..not really understanding what was going on between them..and feeling it was okay because she was married (and supporting him) but couldn’t be there all the time…very long story! Anyway about 3 1/2 years later..many break ups, many confrontations with the other woman…and him playing us each against each other. I finally broke up with him today(?). Last I spoke to her, I think she was finally seeing what was going on..but he has been lying to her for 4+ years. And me also..perhaps less so though as I, I believe was supposed to be his “Lacky” problem was, I had fallen in love with him..but, I had a conscience also..but, he twisted both of us up..she and I were/are not right in all of this..but, I now understand why she and I both felt why we couldn’t leave…I was actually lucky in some ways…he did not profess his love for me as much as for her..all of that was justified by him..again, a long story! She and I should have left a long time ago..but, I think she sees it more as an alcohol problem, and I now see it a SP problem..aserbated by alcohol.

  33. Your Blog..and everyone’s comments have helped me greatly! I wish that I could reach out to the other woman to help her see this extremely helpful blog..but, I am a bit afraid that she will mention it to him..not out of meanness, but because she is only human..and he will convince her once again, that I have lied..it is scary how much of all the SP tendencies apply to him. I will miss the good times, though fake. If I’m wrong and he’s not a SP then..I am wrong..but, he is still not doing what he says he will do for either one of us. ..but, I don’t think I’m wrong!..

    PS. I am/was the supplier of the booze..which he says “that’s not why I hang out with you, I don’t even want booze ” but, I would always push/bully to get it!

  34. Hi Positiva,
    I was looking for a post on “possessive”, “property”, something like that. I know you’ve written it a lot, how the soc views victims as property. It’s probably a better place for what I want to bring up.

    I think often about how his “wife” called me (he left his phone behind purposely so she’d find out; he said so) and said, “Well, he doesn’t claim you.” I heard another one of his ex’s use that word too—claim. I’d never heard a person use such a term relationally speaking, and I thought it strange then, and I still think it odd now.

    I remember my internal response being something like, “HE is not in charge of us. Whatever we’re doing is about both of us, not just what he thinks.” Now I wonder if her perception was about how she views relationships (or, how he’s helped her to view them).

    I mean, I would naturally be annoyed by someone not mentioning me when dating; it suggests they are ashamed or doing something secretive. Obviously an ironic statement in the case of the sociopath. But I don’t need to be “claimed”. I view it very much as my decision whether I want to be with/spend time with someone else.

    I just feel her language suggested he had more power in the equation. At the time, I felt anger at such a suggestion. Was she implying he didn’t value me? Now I know that the act of leaving his phone behind was his way of “claiming” me to her, however cowardly. But since learning about sociopaths, I’ve wondered what it meant in the greater scheme of things.

  35. This article really hit home for my personal experience. It’s quite a powerful tactic. After all, who would doubt someone who claims to “love” you quite constantly let alone who is very skilled at making the impression that they really do?

    1. Yes exactly. If i am honest. Even today i sometimes question it. The reality is. He knows about this blog and didnt object to it. Other sociopaths post. They only become irate when they are painted as the only bad ones.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s