Whilst most people do things out of the goodness of their hearts as it feels good to help those that we love and care about. When we think of others we have the best interests of those that we care about at heart. The sociopath does not think like this.
The sociopath, comes into your life with an agenda, and leaves with one too. While you are thinking that maybe you would like to date, perhaps to find the right person to settle down with and marry. The sociopath will feign all of these similarities to you, but his purpose is not to realistically give you what you are seeking, but instead to con you into believing that this is what he will offer. The sociopath has no intentions of giving this to you. They always have a hidden agenda.
What the sociopath wants can be anything. Sometimes, he seeks out someone that can offer him what he wants, and will use deception to obtain it (by lying, manipulation and deceit). At other times, he is offered exactly what he wants, by somebody who has a lot and is bragging about what they have and how successful they are. Whatever it is that you have a surplus of, the sociopath thinks it is their right to take it, and if it is something that you need, the sociopath will ‘sell’ it to you. Even if they do not have it to offer you, they will make out that they do. The sociopath is always the salesman without the product.
From the start of the relationship, right to the end, the sociopath has an agenda. The agenda could be anything from:
- Somewhere to live
- Money
- Sex
- Putting on an image to others (marriage is a good example of this)
- Status
- Career status
- Material possessions
When you no longer provide what he was using you for, the sociopath will often drop you like you meant nothing. He will always find someone else for a new source for supply prior to leaving, feigning how they are victim of you, to lure a new source of supply. To your face, the sociopath will remain charming, charismatic, loving and caring.
When the sociopath leaves, this is with an agenda too. He would have carefully planned his departure behind your back. The sociopath is untrustworthy, and this can leave you feeling with a lack of trust in people and in life.
Whatever the sociopath is using you for there is ALWAYS an agenda. You were blinded by ‘love’, by what you could offer, and thinking of sharing a life and everything that you had in your life. The sociopath was offering you back an illusion a web of lies, and deceit. Always there are false, empty promises.
The sociopath will sell his false empty promises with the persuasive intensity of a car salesman trying to get the sale of a car. The intensity of their false sincerity leaves you to believe that their promises are real. The sociopath is clever and will put a mirror up to you, to offer you, exactly what you want and need. This is made easy, as people talk too much about what they do not want, are so keen to impress that they show their best side, and talk about experiences that they do not want to repeat from the past.
As open, honest and trusting people, you make the work of the sociopath too easy. By
- Saying too much
- Saying what you do not want
- Saying what you do want
- Complaining about other people
- Making comments about other people and their standards and morals
- Bragging about what you have and how successful you are
You will notice that all the sociopath really has to offers is simply ‘words’. Words are something that he does well. He is simply selling you what you want, and what you need. The sociopath is not held back by emotions or by thinking about YOUR emotions. The sociopath operates not by emotions, but by thought and strategy. He does have an agenda, but it is never the one that he presents you with. The sociopath always has a hidden agenda. He is the master of presenting the world of illusion and leading a double life. The one that you see that he presents you with, and the hidden agenda, that is always behind your back. This is a dual double world, which can leave the victim confused. Holding onto the illusion…..
Remember, just like the magician card, this is ALL that it is…. an illusion, and the illusion is well thought out by the sociopath, by the agenda that he presents to you, and the hidden agenda that he plans and acts out behind your back.
Dating a Sociopath 
I always thought it was a good idea to get what I wanted/didn’t want out in the open from the beginning. This would make what was important to me very clear. Boy, was I ever wrong. Not only was everything he did and said lies, he did the exact opposite of that was important to me.
I think that sometimes this is the confusing part. As we hang onto the false and empty promises as if they were real.
I know that my ex peddled his promises as if they were real life things that he was ACTUALLY doing. Like I should be impressed with his words. He had became so twisted up with his web of lies and deceit it was almost as if he believed the lies that he was telling, as if they were true.
I did the same as Katrina and paid the price. I actually wrote a song afterwards, called ” it’s only words ” as part of my healing, along with a few others, It describes this well, it was popping in my head as I was reading the above.
What I found is, they move in fast too, not giving you time to think or see that their actions actually belie their words. I’d told him everything about my past too, never dreamed that he’d harm me further, believed his words, more fool me. He did more damage than them all put together, I’ve never been the same since. He’s dangerous as far as I’m concerned, he unnerved me unlike anyone ever had with his actions after I put him out.
My gut did tell me something wasn’t right in he beginning, he was ” too good to be true,” but I ignored it, put it down to oversensitivity on my part, as a result of past events.
My children had to watch the results of his actions, they picked up the pieces.
It’s something you don’t consider when they’re spouting their words. I don’t know whether I could ever write about it like others do here, I go to, but then I don’t know if he’s still looking at stuff I do. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of reading it, he’s vile and I never want to set eyes on him again, ever!! One thing I know for sure, no one will ever do it to me again, it’s taken 7 years to find ” me ” again fully.
The toll it’s taken on my physical health too, I hobble now, walking’s painful, this is the girl who loved to dance, bounced about to music, now it hurts to do so. I ended up a wreck physically, my son got a compassionate discharge from the navy as I was so poorly, he got me to the docs, as I’d just given up at that point.
It’s taken a lot of work to get to where I am now and that’s no where near where I want to be, but I will get to that place, life’s lovely now in my little world and so much more appreciated, I thank him now for that, even though I still dislike him intensely, he taught me some very harsh lessons, ones I’ll never forget.
Jen.XXX
Oh he read my things…. in fact the last was that he was telling everyone I was writing about myself. As he had actually managed to get a job. Wow.
I am sorry that your physical health is not good 😦
You know what i decided, I decided, that I am going to make my life brilliant for me. He caused so much damage and disruption to my world. for no real reason at all. And the control was just awful and it got worse and worse. Constant allegations and accusations.
It might be quiet now but at least I can think!!! At least no more accusations.
I think I will definitely be more wary and on my guard around people now. Maybe these were lessons for me to learn. To start taking care of myself. What is sad though is that I trust few people – BUT I am determined that i will break down those boundaries too.
He built a prison around my life. Now that he is gone the walls can come down. I dont have to be defensive anymore. I can wear nice clothes get my hair done and not be asked ‘why’ if i am happy its ok for me to be happy. I don’t have to explain that it just is. I can be whoever I want to be. Yes he has smashed my life to the ground – now i can rebuild it the way that I want to rebuild it.
OR at least – this is my plan 🙂
I’ve been doing exatly the same thing PG. :), It certainly does give a new appreciation of life when you do get back on track. I’m determined to reverse the physical damage too, I believe illness is emotionally stemmed. I’ve largely succeeded on that part, barring the hips and leg. I’m using natural remedies to help with this and there has been a slow improvement. I will bounce around again to music! 😀
A prison is the perfect description, they imprison your mind, cloak it with their darkness, thank god we’re at the other side of it eh!
I’m the same as you, I think anyone at the receiving end of one of these entities ends up that way. I trust very few people now but have decided this year, that like yourself I WILL step out again further than my little world.
There was no way I was letting him destroy me, he tried believe you me, but something inside just kept me going forward no matter how I felt, because I knew if I gave up, he’d succeeded on that front.
I think you showed great great courage writing about your experience and setting this site up I have great admiration for you, you’re a very powerful woman, who cares, that can be life saving for some. I’ve no doubt either you’ll achieve all you set out to do in life. 🙂
Love and light your way.:)
Jen.XXX
I don’t always feel too strong. I went through a very dark time for a few days this week. Really to the very bottom and wondered how I could go on.
I don’t know, I called a helpline, just to talk to someone to talk about what has happened to me the last 4 years. It made me feel better. Next morning I woke up and I felt relieved there was no contact, and thought – actually I hope that you never contact me again.
I think that the longer that you are away from the dark prison of their control, yes it is prison (or at least it was for me) the more that you can allow the SUNSHINE back into your life. When you allow the sunshine back in, you feel a radiance from your heart and it glows.
I realised that my heart never glowed like that when i was with him. I just felt dark, down, depressed, low. 2014 is coming and it is time for change… time for growth…. I think that saying ‘let go so you can grow’ is so very true. They keep you so oppressed that it is impossible to grow. Not only that but the world that you had shrinks too.
I look back to where my life was before I met him – and all I incurred with him was loss. But – that isn’t me. so, he burned my life to the ground – that is ok, it means I can rebuild back up the way that I want to 🙂
You’ll get past this too PG, I have, it’s taken a while but I feel I’m there on that front. I have no desire at anytime to contact him and haven’t for a long time, there’s nothing left but dislike for him. I have no interest in what he’s doing either, or even if he’s alive for that matter.
Make sure you balance doing this wonderful site, with positive stuff to channel out the energies, running this site can trigger inside you. You mentioned you were creative, perfect for channelling it out, I can vouch for that. 🙂
Yes you’re right we do have to rebuild our lives, but that’s a blank canvass and we can create a wonderful picture for our futures, at our own pace and in our own time. 🙂
Stay strong, you’re doing just fine and it’s only going to get better for you, as it has for me. 🙂
Big hugs, love and light your way. 🙂
Jen.xxx
This was in my inbox this morning:
“What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds.”— Wayne Dyer: American self-help author and motivational speaker
I think it is amazing what you have done with this site and a book will be so rich and helpful to others, given the content you’ve been able to gather from those who’ve had the real-life experiences. The holidays are a time when all of us reflect. I don’t know why, but it is easy to reflect on the negative and loss.
But like another member here said to me last week, “Your windshield is larger than your rearview mirror.” You have traveled past a lot, but there is no need to bring momentos on this trip as you have put them all into perpetual actions that have helped others. I hope you’ll remember who you are and celebrate that as you look forward to better things in your future.
My time 7 years whit S behind my back hy make a new relation whit a nother women, in one day hy left my en went directly to live by this new women, i was in a shock you can,t believe that, lying about everything after that,i was running in a world that was so badly that world is the world of a Sociopath, after two years hy wont my back now , i am still fighting against hy all dit to my ,and hy don,t see that at all , ik keep no contact because last year hy ask this other women to marry him see don,t now that hy come back to my to ask my to come back to him. the world of a Sociopaat is evil the don,t care if you are extreme hurt i keep on no contact and i think hy going to punish my to marry her. But i don,t won,t a men who don,t care if you are hurt or not!!