PR, Thanks! I can’t speak for Abs and FS but I know for me, I mostly vent my thoughts out here. I have been NC with him and it’s been quite amusing watching him squirm for a change looking for me wondering what I’m up to. I’ve been meeting new friends and talking to new people. That’s probably good since we apparently can’t come here and vent amongst ourselves without getting beat up. HA, but then I guess some people who post are those roaming Soc’s that you mentioned earlier. Makes sense, I believe the one I got here even stated she related better to my Soc…who is actually my P..but basically the same thing.
For me, it’s been helpful hearing stories like Abs and FS’s because we seem to be in the same spot on our journey and our situations are similar, like most are, but we are in the same healing phase. You have been very helpful in letting us know what Soc’s are all about. So has Pos. I would have settled for him being bipolar had I not come to this site.
Granted, I may be doing ok with the NC, but that doesn’t mean when I wake up tomorrow I won’t feel a little pain of missing him – why? Because I’m human and my feelings for him were real..does that make me a crazed Addict? I don’t think so. It makes me human because I don’t turn my emotions off in 3-4 weeks. Who does? My dad died a year ago. Do I miss him? yes. Does that make me a crazed Addict? I don’t think so. My dog also died a year and a half ago. Did I think about him today? Yes. Am I a crazed Addict for that? I don’t think so.
It’s just funny because my point today has been, I have been working on myself the past 4 weeks, and I’ve come along way. So what if I had one revenge moment last weekend. I’ve even read in some of your posts how you originally went off on a revenge mission and lived this life with him for 10 years. Mine has been for only 3 years, but also in the midst of all my family drama I told you about. But was it pointed out that YOU are a crazed addict? No..only me….anyway, for what that’s worth to the one who will read this and know. I think I’m a better person than they are because I’m capable of communicating my feelings openly to a few people sharing the same experience. You are farther down the road than Abs, FS or myself, and you get us. You don’t condemn or degrade or insult. You and Pos both say things with compassion and I’ve never once seen either of you label anybody.
Thanks to both of you for all you do! It means a lot to many of us.
Aw…im just catching up on my reading. I don’t think anyone meant to insult you. Ill be honest with you, I love this site and love the amount of support that is shared and given but sometimes we need someone to kinda snap some sense into us. And like text messaging we sometimes misinterpret the tone of the message. You know what I mean. Bottom line…unless we change our bad habits we won’t get any better..I probably haven’t given you the best advice since I am not in the best place emotionally but many on here are in a better place to share what they know and just want to help us. Sometimes I feel bad complaining or sharing what went on in my head or say or even my experiences with my sociopath on here but sometimes I just need to get it out and I’m not going to lie I worry somebody might say something mean but they haven’t…it’s always words of support and encouragement. Read the comment again and you’ll see the intentions of that person were in the right place…
I hope you don’t..I posted my email to gaslighted earlier. Please email me if you ever want to vent about anything. Ok? I’m here for you if you need someone.
Don’t leave the site as you are here for a reason & that is for information, sharing & support
& we care about you 🙂
You are right we are at different stages & I did my fair share of purging here (just ask Pos )
& I have sought revenge but, ultimately I have found personally that the revenge just made me look nutso as the Soc is detached & no-one has ever heard the truth from him. My truth & his are polar opposites.
He sat back & acted like the victim whilst I raged etc…at the end of the day no-one can win against the Soc as they never emotionally connect to anyone or anything 😦 & really don’t give a damn 😦
We however are human & your reaction & mine is normal for us & our lives to this point can dictate a certain type of reaction also.
I do not know your real journey nor do I judge but, what I do know of you is that you have been betrayed by someone you love & will deal with this in your own time 🙂
I hope you stay & if you feel someone here is not helping then don’t reply.
(I don’t think Jusagurl is a Soc but, obviously has offended you so, don’t interact as it does neither of you any good)
I really hope you are feeling better & getting some much needed sleep 🙂
Turn you back and walk away from things that negatively affect the quality of your life today.
Look to the future, unload what doesn’t work anymore, and move on without regret.
‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ ~Eleanor Roosevelt.
Hi Absorb, Never feel bad about venting or sharing as we are not here to judge you, as let’s face it none of us really know each other 🙂
We do however share a bond over our experience of having been involved with a Soc & only someone that has been there done that can relate.
Still our experiences are specific to us as individuals & our personal life journeys are vastly different as are our colour, denomination, etc….
Our bond is over the Soc encounter & it’s good to know we are not alone because it’s a terribly isolating experience 😦
It is like death & everyone else keeps moving & you get stuck for awhile until slowly you start to live on with the experience.
You will move through it or around it but, you won’t get over it but, you will learn to live with it & I mean really live 🙂
Give yourself permission to start living, with & without the Soc….whatever you decide it’s your choice.
I know you will make the right one for yourself, just be patient & nurture your heart…its’ a good heart & worth healing…Just as you are worth it 🙂
Ok I am sad today. I have an inkling maybe he isn’t a soc. Maybe he just wasn’t that into me. But other guys I have liked that didn’t stick around didn’t stay for theee years taking everything. You see when we were close last year he was really loving. All summer though he wasn’t. Not kissing me as much… and even losing the erection at times. Now that I know he was seeing another (much younger) girl all summer…no doubt with a flat tummy 😦 was he that turned off by me? Or was it guilt because he cares about her so much? Why did he bother then? I knew something was up…. I asked him repeatedly and he lied and assured me he wouldn’t do that to me. I told him he could let me go. In some ways I want him to be the soc I think he might be but he seems to have so much kindness for others and caring. Just not me. He threw me completely under the bus this weekend. And could care less what I’m feeling. In some ways I want him to not be a soc so I have the chance he will come back and be worthy. I am hurting today. I want him. No contact since yesterday and that was ‘leave me the fuck alone’ (I never call or text much anytime and am so mad at his lies I have no intention of it…he always comes back to me!!!) I thought it was love that brought him back. It isn’t. He loves her. He was just using me. Shes in her twenties and all gaga for him. I’ve lost. Three years and so much fun (and shittyness) but I’ve lost. Ouch.
You sound JUST like I did last year. When I found that my spath had an OW and the way he talked to her (told her he was “madly” in love with her, she meant everything, etc) I took it SOOO hard. (Keep-in-mind this was before I knew he was a sociopath). He was telling her all the things I so desperately wanted to hear from him. I came to the gut wrenching conclusion that I was his ass (sex), she was his heart. And not-to-be-mean, but I really don’t think she was all that pretty (skinny yes). And she told me how he would stare at her and tell her how beautiful she was (predator stare that he NEVER did to me).
For about a week and a half, I was dealing with the realization that 1. Not only was he cheating on me for pretty much our entire relationship, but 2. he was in love with this OW. It crushed me. Here I was in love with him, wasting my time loving him, trying to win his love….and yes, he acted like he loved me too. He was so affectionate, seemed genuinely concerned most of the time. I too, asked him several times if there was someone else. This asshole would make me look him in the eyes and say, “No baby, there’s only you”. He could have just let me go too, and I often wish he had. It would have been painful, yes, but not as painful as it turned out.
Then….not even two weeks after I exposed him to the OW, he totally discarded HER (his heart) and got with someone else, flaunting it all on Facebook. That told me, he never cared about her either. It was all just fun and game for him. So your spath DOES NOT care about the young girl. She’s just another source of supply for him, and nothing more.
I understand you wanting what you had with him, while it was good back. Sometimes I miss who I thought my spath was so much. I want that again, but this time I want it for real. It’s a bitter pill to swallow when you realize it was all a sham. It’s amazing how well they can fake feelings for you and it’s so convincing because they can be so affectionate, and caring towards you. But you have to face the fact that you were just a source for him and nothing more.
It’s hard, I know…..
So please, DELETE his number so you will not be tempted to call or text him again. And YOU DID NOT LOSE!!! I know you feel that way now (I did too), but you didn’t! Be proud of yourself for finding this information now!!! I know it’s hard, but put one foot in front of the other and work on yourself. Go see a therapist to help you. Learn to love yourself again…..you deserve it!!! I’m doing better, but I have my days too and it’s been a whole year since all this happened. I didn’t figure out he was a sociopath until about 6-7 months after it ended, but now I know it actually is helping me. Hang in there!!!!
Ladies, I am so happy I found this blog to vent as well! I think about him all the time….I’m scared to go certain places for fear i will run into him. He was the most gorgeous man i have ever been with….I was lost in the hot passion we had so my defenses were down. I would wake up at night and he would just be looking at me, stroking my hair..I would ask him why do you watch me sleep…..he told me I just like it”. I wonder what was going through his mind?.. Was he thinking, oh you stupid woman, I’m going to use and abuse you untill I get my fill, then throw you away”…..anyone have any ideas? I want to say he loved me, but I don’t think he know what that is…
mine is gorgeous too. movie star looks which i used to tell him. he loved it of course. i’m in major major withdrawal right now. thank god he is in hate my guts mode or I may cave. I cried today. I don’t think I miss him… but I miss my fantasizing about our future. god that was a waste of brain matter. gutted today
FS,
Hang in there! I know how you feel, it’s like they become a toxic virus in our minds!!! What I have to keep telling myself is the person I fell in love with doesn’t exist so why am I grieving that? It’s because he played my emotions! So I can look at it like this, when I find the true man I’m to be with, he will still be that hollow,lying dirt bag he always was…..and that will not ever ever change. So joke is on him, he missed out!
Nessa my counselor told me the other day that Soc’s can feel a little. They can have that attraction to where he’s staring at u while UR asleep but the emotions are shallow. They can’t love unconditional or very deeply. It’s all about what they have to gain. He was probably enjoying the fact that u were asleep beside him at that very moment. Then again I guess what he had to gain was he was there wu and not out in the street w nobody. Mine seemed to always say “awwww. You do love me.” Like he doubted? Seriously?
Judahbug,
I want to think that he loved me….we found each other again after 15 yrs, and it was so passionate and loving….that’s what I miss…what hurts is knowing he’s sharing that right now with someone else…it hurts..
ROFL. spoken like a true sociopath Jusa. Go to hell. Nobody needs UR opinions. And I don’t really care what u think. I have a life and UR not part if it. U make me laugh. I won’t reply to UR stupidity anymore bc it’s obvious UR the sick loser.
Hey judahbug.. being a third party reader her orig post did sound nice… sometimes the written words get lost withoit verbal inflection. I don’t blame you for lashing out though. . I have done so with real friends when faced with crap I’m not ready to hear. My advice aside from that (and remember we are all in the same boat) is to not let those people who hurt you have one more day. They are off living their lives and we are allowing them to still control ours. I’ve been in therapy for years being bipolar and all.. everyone needa therapy at some point. Its not an insult. We have almost literally been driven crazy. Fight back with me. But I promise I’m fairly certain that person meant no harm she sounded empathetic and you are in a lot of pain. And for that person… (do t recall name) misunderstandings happen. We are all in post traumatic stress everyone…ets not turn on each other please!!
Probably best if these guys have the no contact rule.
Yes FS our Soc experience leaves a lot of toxins that we all work through & need to respect each other & our individual journey 🙂
Take care everyone as we are here to help, support & heal not judge or damage.
You’ve all done so well & it’s a hard road 😦
Respect each other & their journey as no malice was intended, it just got out of hand.
Love & Light to all 🙂
PR xoxox
Hi FS,
Go back & read the traits & write down the ones he fits etc….your still going through the trauma of a broken relationship & discard so, you are welcome to come here & share, support & learn.
I am sorry he has made you feel so dejected as no-one deserves that 🙂
Please stay strong, do the healing on your heart etc….it’s broken but, with work & love we will all get through this & live bigger, better & brighter lives 🙂
Your not alone, regardless of Soc or not, still hurt & in pain so your always welcome here 🙂
Maybe change your feeling stupid to feeling better 🙂
Her first post maybe. But the second and third and fourth and fifth etc?
Take care PR. I don’t need abusive people from this place jusagirl singled Me out. Bottom line. I never asked for her advice or her degrading me. I don’t care what she thinks. She can kiss my ass for all I care. She can call me new and insult me all she wants. She’s no better than I am. In fact I’m prob better bc I have the guts to stand up for myself to the creature that she is. Anyway. This site isn’t worth all the drama. I can get her kind of support from my mother if I want. Let her move on. See who she singles out next. Will it be you? Abs? FS? Or a new person coming here only to be attacked by her? If she’s so healthy why does she come here? Not to encourage. Not to support. She’s proven that. She can call me anything she wants now bc u won’t even see it. Nikki lost a reader today and I will make sure other people know not to come here for support Take care PR
Thanks Lenore. .. why is he spending so much more time with her than he did with me? I think her youth and looks are a credit to his ego.. where I am not as much (not a mess or ugly by any means). He always kept me a secret of course I started off that way he had still been living with wifey. Fack I’m the rottenmess here
I made it so so so easy for him. I am an idiot of collosal portion. I do look like an idiot. Just like he says.
PR thank you. My sociopath text me as I knew he would at 3:38am he also sent a picture of where he is staying “outdoor storage he is sharing with 3 other people no water, mice, and a possum life of luxury u caught me again) his purpose was to make me feel bad and forget the fact that he lied and has blown me off yet again. Then he wrote”stick with your instincts ur doing a fabulous job” lol, I think that was a compliment.
The picture was taken during the day (I could tell by the light coming into the place) but he sent it at 3:38am. Obviously a calculated move, he is beyond predictable. I’m sharing that so anyone new to the site can see that these guys always have a purpose in how they do things (i think, mine does)He waited 24hours to respond then sent it at 338am most likely hoping to wake me up from my sleep to engage in another round of text message mayhem that would lead to yet another 24hours or longer of silent treatment, which always results in hours of thinking of him, confused, sad, mad an on an on.
I happy to report that it almost 7 hours since I got his 2 texts and have not responded. I saw his text and went right back to sleep. Yay!
I’m keeping busy. And choosing to get my life back. I read through some of the comments on other stories that a few girls are back with their socios, I felt genuinly happy for them because their energy is so happy and hopeful and for a moment I let myself forget that they’re walking back into a lions den….
That is hysterical. My soc was so in a hurry to move out of his house (he had moved back inwith old old gf lol) and screw the young onehe had nowhere to go so he’s been staying in a camper lmao. He lied the whole summer that he hadnt moved out at all and here he is in a camper with this girl. Unreal. I hope there was some part of him embarrassed to tell me that. Unfortunately I think he may just be very smitten with her. It is the second time he has left me for her (not one for shopping around) I just don’t know why he continues to cheat on her with me if he loves her so much. Puzzling.
They are calculated people Abs. Mine did all sorta of timed things. Even now he pervs my profile every morn and night. Why? He told me to go away? I figure he wants me to still try to beg or something. But I haven’t. Makes me feel good knowing he’s stuck at home or work tho. He’s certainly not out w someone if he’s always online looking at me! But u know what I thought if today? I’m the one with the MBA. I’m the one with the house and the pool and the big screen TV we bought. I’m the one who makes 3 times the salary he does. I have accomplishments in life and he has ??? A rat hole apartment that I know he hates bc he’s so OCD. So I figure Mr calculation totally miscalculated this time and he knows it. Good bc other people wanna go out w me. I’m just not in a place to date yet.
It’s not you. I’m 37 and have a 6yr old so my belly isn’t so flat so I try to wear clothes that will flatter my body. And don’t blame yourself if he can’t get hard, he could’ve done that on purpose to make you feel bad and to get you thinking , which you did. I would’ve had the same questions you asked. I’ve also wondered what if he isnt a sociopath everyone else loves him and he is so helpful…everyone else is blinded by him still. You started asking questions, you started pushing for answers. They haven’t yet and maybe they won’t because he wasn’t in a intimate relationship with them like you were. Well at least in my case that’s what I think. He had a major falling out with a friend he knew for 10years.he had been staying with a friend and the friend finally told him he had to move and I can go on and on with the madness and shit that went on in the last 6months before the sheriff came and took him out of the apt. I’m babbling but do you kinda get what I’m saying? Don’t blame yourself. Stay busy. My ext text me at 338am after 24hrs of the silent treatment. I saw it and went back to sleep and I haven’t responded. I won’t lie it feel kinda good knowing that I’m in the drivers seat right now. Mine used me lied excluded me from his life and I suffered through it since we broke up last year in may. If he comes back nothing will be better. It’s always the same shit. Choose yourself. And FYI there is nothing sexier than a woman who is confident with her own body. Be strong.
he is mad at me. he says he hates my guts I outed him (his relationship with me was a secret). he will have no contact with me… it could be months. it will come around again I’m sure. but I’ll be over it by then thank God. Anyway yes I have been dieting and exercising through this turmoil and looking better than I have in years. Have been dressing to the nines everyday for work. I’m dying inside (tummy clenched for three days now ouch) but you would never ever know it by my appearance. I refuse to be affected.. (well… you know) I’m not going to lie in bed and cover up. I may be stronger than I think. thanks for kind words. have to get it in my head he will never ever love me. that thought still kills me.
Well done you for focusing on you. Doing what you need to do to make yourself feel (slightly) better – even if only on the outside. They do have a kind of ‘love’ but it is more ownership and possession rather than actual love (all about them and their needs) never putting your needs first 😦
I meant I liked his anger better than his indifference.lol And yes they love while they are getting what they want… quite possibly moment to moment. He likes this girl but when he wanted great woman sex he came to me… her feelings be damned. Overall she is giving him more good feelings now and he has more good feelings for her… love or not. (I think not). Poor girl is probably fantasizing marriage and babies. I know it is not in his plans, in fact I know he has no plans for the future, he is just enjoying his present as always. In the event she continues to make him look good he will def marry her and have babies but only because he gets caught up with her and is deathly afraid of ‘looking bad’ (which is why he is so mad at me). He is VERY preoccupied with the opinions of others. NO ONE can believe his dark side… they do all think I’m nuts frustrating… good thing is I don’t care. Does this preoccupation with societal opinions mean he isn’t a sociopath??
Hey PR, Abs, FS, et all. My ex and I had a song and I heard it tonight. Made me cry a little bc it meant so much back when i thought he was human and real. But listening to it now it only shows me what love is SUPPOSED to be like and how he’s not like the words of the song. I thought I’d share it bc it definitely gives a frame of reference for us to know what love SHOULD BE LIKE and they are not like this.
at least when he texts I get a thrill knowing he is thinking of me. but I feel the same away about the power I have now that I have the knowledge. I was on edge all summer… I knew something was up he was hiding something. I can’t believe how sincere he was everytime I questioned him. now I know and he is so mad he doesn’t have that power anymore. I’m also getting a thrill off the anger he has too…. I’ve ruffled him. Anger is better than indifference right? oh god I am sick too 😦
No one day you will get to indifference. Indifference is healed – anger is still in the grieving and healing process. Which is normal and healthy. You have to go through it to finally get to the indifference stage of acceptance.
Speaking of getting hard. Mine had an ED problem and needed medication. That added to his mental image of himself. But anytime he felt degraded he would turn it around on me.
ok here’ goes!
Getting Away from a Sociopath
There are so many different situations and many are so subtle, that they were so easy to let slide, forgive, or that made me unsure of my own morals and ethics. So, I started with listing all of the traits of a sociopath and then filled in the specific examples. I still wonder if he is really a sociopath, or if he is just a tattered soul who was hurt by his parent’s divorce. The separation from his mother every other week thereafter. Or is he embarrassed that he could not or did not help his sister when their father verbally abused her and he did nothing. Is it a mask to conceal the pain? Who’s the jester behind the mask?
I totally understand that I have a passive attitude in this relationship. Yes, I was abused as a child, was taken away from my family once and separated from my baby half-brother.
Here is my story in a nutshell (a VERY BIG nutshell).
Growing up, I did not know my real father. When I was 5 years old my mom sent me to Poland for over 6 months. When I returned my mom had re-married to an alcoholic Polak. I use the harsh term polak because he is the typical uneducated man, raised on a farm in Poland, drunk, abusive, and a disgrace to the polish community. He is the epitome of the term “dumb polak.” And trust me, most polish people I know are not dumb; on the contrary. I would never use the term otherwise.
My step-father once was so upset that I wouldn’t eat the meat he had made (I was grossed out because it was veiny veil or pork chops and couldn’t chew it anyway because I was missing teeth). He was so angry, he lifted me up out of my seat, lifted me into the air by my neck so I wasn’t touching the ground with my feet and spanked me. He then threw me back into the chair and shoved the chair into the table so hard it hit my chest and made me out of breath. My mom stood up and told him not to touch her baby like that. He proceeded to throw his beer can at her. She picked up my 8 month old half-brother and he threw a plate at her so she dropped him on the ground. I had been hiding under the table at this point and pulled my brother under with me to protect him. They proceeded to chase each other around the kitchen, one with a knife and the other protecting herself with a car seat. We ran into the bedroom and while we held the door shut with all our might while he banged and banged trying to get in, my mom called the police. Then it was quiet. He had fled.
We snuck out of the apartment and waited around the corner till the police came. As we walked back to the apartment, we saw him being led to a police car, handcuffed. He noticed us and as he walked by, blankly looked at us and said, “What did I do to you?” Sociopath, perhaps?
After going to court and being questioned and living in a battered women a children’s home for a while, she forgave him. They bought a house together and he lived with us for another 17 years. I was never sexually molested by him, and there weren’t many other abusive experiences, but there was a lot of fighting between him and my mother. He was still a drunk, of course. I remember her being annoyed with him saying to me back then that he would cause fights and then act like nothing ever happened the next day.
Although I was not sexually abused by him, he had a lot of guy friends that would act inappropriately hugging me while pressing my body flush against theirs. One would hold my hand or put his hand on my leg while driving me and my half-brother home from my grandma’s house. I started planning with my brother that when this particular man would pick us up, that my brother would yell “shot gun!” so that he would sit up front and I could sit in the back seat erroneously feeling safe from his nasty hands. Instead, he would reach into the back seat and put his hand on my knee through my torn pant leg. When I told my mom, she did nothing. He was still allowed to hang out at the house, raid our fridge, pick us up…hug me. When I finally mustered up the courage to confront him and tell him I didn’t like that he did that, he said, “It’s normal for friends to act that way.” I was trapped.
I was sent to Poland a lot growing up, and spent a huge amount of time with my great-grandmother and great-aunt as they tried to raise me to be extremely catholic. I went to church not only every Sunday, but every holiday, every 1st Friday, every birthday, every celebration, every anniversary of a relative’s death. I spent a lot of time making rosaries that we would give a way to random people. I went on 5 pilgrimages across the country singing catholic songs and praying. I was made to lay down in the figure of the cross at our destination and made to walk on my knees on the marble floor of the Jasna Gora church in Czestochowa. I spent the night in barns on the hay, on the floor in stranger’s houses, in cold nun’s convents, all with my great-aunt. I think this was all in an effort to ensure that I chose a path different from my mom.
What’s ironic is that I remember thinking how important it was for me to have my first baby near the same age as my mom had me, because I thought that would ensure that we would have a close relationship as I thought I did with my mom. I also had a very strong desire to maintain my virginity till I was married.
Unfortunately, the teenage sexual drive was enough for me to entice my boyfriend of 8 months, who also wanted to wait till marriage. We lasted another year, then he broke up with me saying that I was taking up too much time and his grades were failing. BTW, he was 20 and I was 16, and my mom drove me to spend every Saturday at his dorm.
My innocence was still important to me, but I was in a new 2 year relationship within a month. I had gone to the pool with a friend and he charmed me. He was so sweet, he gave me a rose he had picked. I went to his parent’s house where he lived and never went home. I was gone for 2 weeks when finally I agreed to meet with my mom and talk about things. We met at the Catholic school fair, and she spoke privately with my boyfriend’s mom. I went home with my boyfriend and his family and stayed there for 2 years, while I finished high school and my first year of college.
That summer I was sent to Poland and finagled my way into a new guy’s life. I had called my then still boyfriend in California and informed him that I was going to stay in Poland for 6 months for travel. He freaked and broke up with me immediately. I cried in my new man’s arms. He is the father of my oldest son.
We hitchhiked to Scotland and it was the most amazing experience I had ever had! It was so amazingly beautiful! We were crazed lovers and when we went to the hospital in Ullapool to get birth control, they informed that I was already pregnant. I was 19.
When we returned to Poland, I stayed at my great-uncle’s house with him, his wife and their 4 daughters. Eventually the secret came out, and I moved to a tiny old 1 room apartment in Warsaw, once owned by my boyfriend’s great aunt. My boyfriend spent most of his time at school, while I waited in the apartment alone. The apartment was on the fourth floor without an elevator, so grocery shopping was difficult. I didn’t have a car, so I had to walk, bus, tram, or take the metro. It was a long harsh winter.
While living in the apartment, my mom called me and informed me that after almost 20 years of no contact, my real father had called my grandparents looking for me! I was shocked to say the least.
At some point, I started teaching English, but that was too difficult because I had to travel at night using several busses and trams and walk through a forested area in the winter. It was really scary and stressful for me, so I stopped.
Luckily we had some really great friends, so I was easily accepted as pregnant.
When I was 7 months pregnant I flew back to California, while my boyfriend stayed in Poland to finish his practicum. He was to fly back on May 1st, while the baby was due May 6th.
When he arrived to America for the first time and after 2 months apart, I went into labor the next night and had an amazing baby boy May 3rd. The same date as the Constitution of Poland was signed!
After 17 years, a man who had been renting a room in our house, informed my mom of my step-dad’s behavior. He had witnessed him cheating on my mom, and she FINALLY filed for divorce. This was during the same timeframe that I had my first son, finally met my father, was married and left the country for what I thought was to be for good.
As for my real father, I was told as a teenager, once I started asking questions, that my mom had been date raped by him at 17, hence my presence on this planet. Of course, that made me feel unwanted, though I idolized my mom and thought at the time that she was the smartest person I had ever known.
When my adorable baby boy was 5 month old, I met with my father for the first time. He lives in a trailer park in Apple Valley, poor and sickly. An addict in rehab. He had contacted me to heal his spirit.
My boyfriend and I were coerced to get married in Las Vegas. It was really our idea, but where was the support and parenting on my mom’s part? Then we returned to Poland, moving all of my things and lived in an apartment north of Warsaw, in a somewhat rural/sub-urban area. Some nice homes, some farm houses.
I had thought that I would have all of my amazing friends and extended family helping me throughout this time, but I was car-less and alone. They had their own lives to live and I was on my own. I was embarrassed to visit my great-grandmother because I knew how catholic she was and didn’t want to be judged. To see anybody, or to get groceries, I had to get to the bus. To get to the bus I had to carry the stroller down the stairs as I still did not have an elevator five stories up. I had to push the stroller across a muddy field, cross the dangerous highway, dodging speeding vehicles, walk what seemed like a mile between farm houses and threatening dogs, finally near the bus stop. It took 3 buses and an hour to get to the city.
I was alone most of the time as my husband was either at school, visiting with friends or at band practice. When he was home, we would fight to the point that our neighbors hated us. He would sleep on the floor in the kitchen saying that his shoulders hurt in the bed with me.
Eventually, I returned to America and we divorced. I asked him to move to America so that our son would have him in his life. He refused saying that he could never live in America.
Our son in 13 years old now, and only sees his father during summer vacation. His father has graduated with a Master’s Degree and co-owns for successful bars/nightclubs in Poland and has a following of guys and girls that adore him. He truly is handsome, fun and charismatic! Possibly bisexual. As I write this, I know am questioning, is he also a Sociopath?
I was determined to have a balanced great life and was more immature than I had seemed when I was young. I would spend time with my son but was depressed and angry. I was attending college and was stressed and alone. I had moved back into my mom’s house and we agreed I could live there till I finished school. I would put my son to bed at night and go out with my girlfriends Thursday –Saturday. Clearly I was probably hung over most of the time.
But my goal was to come out of the pain and suffering and become the best mom I could be. I enrolled in countless child development courses. I was undecided for 2 years, but as I was nearing the final stages before earning my Associates degree, I had to decide on the next step. I knew it was important to continue my education so my son could one day be proud to say I was his mom. I knew I needed to choose something that would allow me to help people and would still allow me to be a present mother.
As I walked across campus, I noticed a bright yellow flyer posted on a billboard. It listed the top indispensable occupations that also paid well and had a high rate of need. I finally chose my major, which is a combination of all of my passions which include art, language and helping people especially people with disabilities. I decided to become a Speech and Language Pathologist.
In 2008, I was introduced to movie and book, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It teaches the concepts of manifestation and abundance. I learned for the first time about self-love.
Since then, I have been on a journey toward finding out my purpose and striving to become the best person I can be in every way.
In 2009, my best friend went to a 2-day seminar that I could not afford to go to, about the difference between men and women and how to behave so as to get proposed to within a year. After the seminar, she invited a couple of our friends and me to listen to what she had learned. Over 2 days she presented everything that she had learned, complete with copies of printouts and activities.
In short, we learned that masculine men like to be the hero and want a feminine woman who respects and appreciate them. In comparison, women need to be feminine and should be cherished by her man. This creates balance and happiness. I thought, I can do that!
Enter My Sociopath.
I had met him a year earlier at a restaurant I was bartending at. I was instantly attracted, but he had a girlfriend “Jenny” at the time. This time, he was single. Everything I did worked. He felt as if he was my hero, because he did so many things to help me I met him, and all of a sudden I had a man who was totally in love with me (because I was so feminine and respectful)! He moved in almost immediately, fixed our falling down fence and many other things around the house that my now free loading half-brother who still lives at home wouldn’t touch. He seemed to get my brother to actually get up and help out a little bit! It was like magic. They quickly became friends, and my mom thought he was nice, handsome and funny. I thought he was the perfect guy! So when the “little uglies” started coming out, I let them slide, because he had been so helpful and did everything I needed.
Little did I know that it was the perfect setup for a sociopath. Yes, I respected him, but did he cherish my feelings? The balance I was desperately searching for was not there.
The following examples are just off the top of my head and there are many more I could add:
Charismatic
-Very funny
-Very outgoing
-“Tall, Dark and Handsome”
-Pretends and is overly nice to elderly people, which may seem good, but it’s obvious to me that it isn’t sincere.
Boredom/Overactive
-Cannot sit through a movie
-Does not like movies, I thought because of ADD
Thrill Seeking
-Snowboarding without worry of hurting himself and did pretty badly a couple of times
-Started a fight with people at field party in Michigan
-Stealing
Followers
-His father is very “in to him” and seems to overlook his mean demeanor. He calls him a lot to maintain that “friendship” and tells him that he loves him every time they speak. Again, that sounds good, but I’m not convinced that it is real love. Rather, it is a way to keep him around so he can get what he wants, and that is his house in Michigan.
-I don’t think he has any real friends at all. When I asked if this one man is his best friend, whom he has known for about a decade, (who has daughters that spend time with his daughter when she is visiting), he laughed and couldn’t answer the question. Not even an “I guess so”. I thought that maybe “manly men” don’t say other men are their best friends.
Controlling/Jealousy
-We only ate at the restaurants he wanted to eat at.
-Would not let me go to the physical therapist for my back pain that I was finally able to go to with my insurance, saying that the therapist was obviously a pervert who just wanted to fondle my body.
-Picked me up at work for lunch, EVERY day, unless he happened to be working that day or was in Michigan.
-When going grocery shopping, he would blow through the isles, only grabbing what he wanted to buy. Anything I wanted to get was a waste of money.
-Hacked onto my Facebook and messaged random guys from my friend list, acting as if he were me and not knowing who they were. For example, he sent “Yummy” to my cousin!
-He sent messages to people who had posted pictures of them with me in them, posing as me, asking for them to remove the images, because I was embarrassed about them. There was nothing embarrassing about them.
-Saying he would never (let me) travel to any other country, even though travel has been a huge part of my life since I was a little girl. I travel to visit family almost yearly, and my older son’s father lives abroad, too. He blamed finances and said America is the only clean and safe place in the world.
-Would not let me use birth control saying that he had the perfect method down. He would tell me that birth control was bad for me. After his method failed, and we got pregnant, he told me I must have made it happen while he wasn’t looking. Then he continued to use his method and make me feel bad for wanting to use birth control.
-We had plans to move to Michigan to live in his father’s house. I loved the idea because it is really a special place and I enjoy the nature and the quiet and slowed down lifestyle compared to the Los Angeles area. It reminds me of Poland in many ways. Now that I know what a sociopath is, I see this as controlling and trying to take me from my family and isolate me in his world. He promised me I wouldn’t have to work if I didn’t want to. Of course, I loved the idea.
-Making me feel like maintaining myself by dying my hair or getting a manicure was a waste of money and unhealthy for me anyway.
-Treating me like I was a porcelain doll.
-Telling me I look good in all kinds of glasses, then telling me he doesn’t like my sunglasses, then telling me I really only look good in his sunglasses, so we would both wear the same type of sunglass style. At first I thought that was cute like the couple that is sooo in love they wear matching shirts.
-Telling his family I was weak.
-Not letting me get Lasik.
-Made me get rid of many of my old pictures because he has insecure about my past friendships.
Lack of Empathy/Remorse
-Always watched the NEWS, and only the news, which makes me uncomfortable and paranoid because I like to focus on positive things in my life.
-Not feeling sorry for homeless and just believing they are gross.
-Not caring about and having a general hatred for people from different ethnic identities.
-Not being able to empathize with people in different countries who have survived (or not survived) war, including the camps in WWII. This is especially upsetting to me because I have family who survived the war, some with devastating stories.
-Once, when a homeless man tried washing our windshield at a gas station, with the kids in the car, he told the guy to F**k-off and burned out, trying to run over the man’s foot, then telling people the story very proud of himself
-Not feeling bad for stealing.
-Laughing at and staring at a homeless woman who was overweight and clearly had some sort of neurological disorder as she was rocking and humming to herself while standing next to her grocery cart full of her things.
-Would grovel in pain when he was hurt, needing ice packs and lying in bed, but when I got hurt, he just said, “ouch”, and didn’t try to make me feel better, (gosh, I sound like a baby here, but it felt like he didn’t care that I had a massive and painful bruise and scratches on my leg after I helped him lift a boat and got hurt by a rusty metal thing sticking out of it).
-My older son has social issues as he has Asperger’s/High Functioning Autism. It presents itself in that he does not understand the intricacies of subtle communication, like nonverbal behavior, figurative language, etc. This can be very frustrating because he looks just like anybody else, so you wouldn’t be able to tell he has a disability without knowing him well. He can lose his temper because he just cannot communicate his feelings and doesn’t understand what others are trying to explain. This has caused my son to lose friends at school and cause rivalries in the neighborhood. (Luckily, now that he is older, and I have worked very hard to teach him many of the subtle cues people give, he now has a group of friends who understand him and know how to get him back on track). My sociopath expects him to “get with it” by demanding it.
-I’m not sure if this quite fits in this category, but we do a reenactment in Michigan because his father is in to it. It is really fun, in that we get to dress in clothes of the era, sleep in old fashioned tents, eat food of the time period, and so on. Both years that we have gone, he drives up, sets up the tents, spends a little time there, and then orchestrates a plan for us to sneak out so we can act like Fudgies (a funny term used for tourists, because they and buy fudge from all the shops there). He forgets that some of the good people spent time collection the items which we would need to use, since we do not have our own clothes, yet. He has a rivalry going with his father’s friend who is very into the reenactment, and says and does things that would upset anybody. It is very uncomfortable and embarrassing being his girlfriend.
Ethics
-Stealing a cup holder, keychain, wallet and other things in Big Bear and when caught, he said he did it for fun. The next time we went he did it again.
-Writing ex-girlfriend’s reports for school without telling me and without understanding of morality issue.
-Taking ex’s virginity.
-Not at all spiritual, even though I am.
-Prejudiced
-Stole a fake rose and wooden shot glass from a store in Big Bear and gave it to me as a gift.
-Brought me (fake) diamond stud earrings he said he found next to a car he valeted. I think he stole them from inside the car.
-Having very strong feelings against gays. Saying they are taking from him. Taking his tax money (not that he ever paid taxes).
Not Following Rules/Authority
-Speeding
-Ripping up his and my jury duty papers and throwing them away.
-Not paying for tickets
No Feelings (other than primal fear and anger)
-Says he loves me, but when I ask why he loves me, he says because I’m pretty and nice, that’s it.
-Fear of losing me, since I fit into what he needs at the moment (free shelter for his daughter and himself, etc.)
-Fear that he might get sick from travelling, gay people, anybody/thing
-Germ-a-phobic
-Fear that I might catch a disease from my own kids since they have, well, fathers.
Not Learning from Past Mistakes/Acting as if Nothing Happened
-stealing even though he knew I didn’t approve.
-After I told him not to scold my kids, to just let me know if there was anything happening and I would take care of it, the next morning he was hounding them already. When I confronted him, he shrugged as if he didn’t know what I was talking about.
-We would argue, he would ignore me and go to sleep while I was still upset and crying. Toward the morning, while I was still passed out asleep, he would turn over and hug me, making me feel like, he was sorry, but then repeat the same mistakes.
Lying
-Being in contact with “Jenny” behind my back and writing her reports.
-I would hear him lie about where he was or what he was doing when he was talking on the phone with friends and family, and laughing it off if the kids would question him.
-Who knows what other lies he told??
Cheating
-”Jenny”? (I was at work 5 days a week, while he was not).
-Asked me early in relationship if I ever cheated, then said he had made out with his friend’s girlfriend because she had big boobs and he wanted to play with them, saying that’s as far as he went. Then when I brought this up while his “best friend” was over, he shushed me, making me think the girl was this “best friend’s” soon to be ex-wife.
Narcissism
-“I AM God”
-His way was always the best and most “normal” way.
-In his eyes he was the best at everything: basketball, driving,
-He would always remind me of how perfect of a driver he was. He said even though other people state that they are great drivers, he is still better than they are and he really means it. And then he drives like a maniac with us in the car.
-Expects that he should be receiving money from his financially comfortable mom and step-father because they can afford to spend the money on him.
Child Abuse
-Calling my kids dumb, morons, gross, etc., etc.
-Not letting them sit on our bed saying that they would get their “juices” on the sheets or his “man juice” on them.
-Cringing when they kissed me or hugged me saying to them that that was gross because he kisses me and he doesn’t want them to get their “fish-lip” juice on him.
-Shushed my older son with his finger which cut his lip. Child reported it to school, CPS was called, we were hounded by CPS on Christmas morning, and more.
-Driving crazily with them in the car.
-Not letting his daughter grow up. He carries her like a baby and she gets what she wants when she cries like a baby.
-Plays favorites. While his daughter would throw a tantrum about taking showers, he would just carry her up and talk to her. When my son would get upset and cry about taking a shower, he would show disgust that he behaved in such a way. My son is a year younger than his daughter, so in my eyes, he should realize that maybe being upset about showers is normal for this age.
-Threatened my son once to behave shaking his new hamster’s cage and knocking it against the wall till it cracked, while my son watched crying and horrified.
-Told my son he would shove a croquet mallet up his ass if he didn’t act right, right in front of his mom and step-father.
Verbal Abuse
-Told me I was an 8 on a scale from one to 10, when I flashed him particularly feeling good about myself that day, making me feel insecure about my body. Wouldn’t you tell your girlfriend she was a 10, no matter what? BTW, I didn’t ask his opinion, I was just playfully trying to tease and arouse him while I was getting dressed for bed.
-Likes to call me a baby killer after I had an abortion because I was scared to have a life with him after all his abuse, lies and stealing.
Physical Abuse
-Raced others with me or the kids in the car (always thought people wanted to race him).
-Was so angry one morning while driving the kids and me (still pregnant) to school/work, driving crazy fast over curves and cutting people off, then going the wrong way, cutting another parent off, then causing an embarrassing scene by yelling at the guy, in front of all the other parents and teachers, as if it was the other parent who had done something wrong.
Emotional Abuse
-Would make me feel bad for having past relationships because it grossed him out to think of me with another person.
-Threatening me that after a fight that he had no choice than to stay at his ex-girlfriend’s house if I kicked him out.
Sexual Abuse (I struggle with this section because it’s so severe of an accusation)
-Constantly hinting at me performing sexual acts that would feel good for him, but crossed my boundaries and pain threshold.
-Telling me to invite my friends or other women to have a threesome with us, even though he knew I would not ever do so and that it made me upset and insecure when he said so.
-Saying things that placed me in sexual situations with his friends, which grossed me out and was totally disrespectful to me and our relationship.
Financial Abuse
-Took money from his father
-Took money from his mother and step-father for our trip to visit them with our kids, supposedly for my son, but I paid for all 3 of our tickets.
-Never paid for me for anything, ever.
-My birthday dinner was really half of my Christmas present to him.
-Christmas was a pillow and glitter sticky paper he bought for me while we were shopping at Wal-Mart (his favorite), then he wrapped them in front of me.
-Helps his father only to ensure that he will get his house when he passes away.
-Signed a contract stating that he would pay $300 a month for rent and use the funds to fix up the house. He did so once in 1 1/2 years of living with us.
-Did the minimum amount of work around the house
-Works only enough to pay for his own bills, even though he could work every day. He turns jobs down all the time.
-Only works extra when his daughter is coming to town so he can do fun things when she comes (only paying for activities for her and himself).
Separation from Friends
-Told me my friends are a bad influence
-Told me that meeting with my 2 best friends to exchange gifts around Christmas was weird and abnormal.
-I hung out with my friends maybe 5 times in almost 2 years.
-My friends no longer contact me.
-I no longer contact my friends in fear of them realizing he is this way.
Separation from Family
-Making it clear that he would not travel with me to Poland to visit my family, because it was a waste of money, thereby making it clear that I wouldn’t be going either.
-Sitting with a blank stare on the couch at a family member’s house during a big birthday party, while I mingled and helped with the music and dancing. It wasn’t a drunk fest or anything inappropriate. It was daytime and my elderly family was present.
-When my uncle clearly flippantly slapped my butt because I had said something funny, he got upset and told me that my uncle was inappropriate and gross, trying to cause a rift in the relationship.
Life Goals (none)
-B.A., supposedly only one more class till awarded. Made me feel responsible for his not pursuing this goal because I was surprised he wanted to be a journalist (because I knew, subconsciously at the time, that he didn’t care about other people).
-Wants to start a carpet cleaning business but makes it clear that he can’t until he can buy a van for it (or someone else should by the van for him). In the meantime, he barely works as a valet and limo driver, only taking several jobs a month, just enough to pay his own bills.
Addiction
-Beer and/or margaritas every day, even when I asked him to stop to save our relationship after a huge meltdown in Big Bear.
-Pot
-Coercing me to do things I would NEVER normally do.
-Lottery playing multiple times daily.
-using various prescribed or illicit pills.
-Selling the same.
-Using weak people to get their prescribed pills, by offering to take them to their doctor’s appointments. I would even tell people how nice he was to take this particular elderly man to his doctor’s appointments!
Repetition of Behaviors
-Ex-”Michaela” left him and lived with their daughter in a battered women and children’s center to get away from him. She claims he hit her. Of course he denies it, saying if anybody hit anybody, it was she who had hit him.
-Ex-”Jenny”? (I don’t know much about this story).
Abusive Behaviors
-I called him “Bulldozer”. He would walk through us/by us to get where he needed to get to, knocking us out of the way. He’s almost 6’5 by the way.
-In bed he would put his heavy arm over me, holding me tight while we slept, like a bear, but it hurt. He wouldn’t stop, even though I asked. I felt bad asking his to stop because I felt like he was just trying to hug me because he loved me.
-He would stick his butt out while turning over in bed and butt me really hard. I have been pushed out of the bed onto the floor several times this way.
Broken/Empty Promises
-Promises to change but no change.
-Promise to stop drinking and then drink a few days later.
Obsession
-Contacting his ex-”Michaela” and questioning her about her new boyfriend as if it were his business and told me about it.
-When I broke it off with him after less than a year of dating, he stood outside for hours, throwing dirt at my window, proclaiming his love for me and that he would change. Or at least give him his laptop so he could book a flight to Michigan.
Childhood
-His mom told me that already in Kindergarten they were worried about his behavior
-He had cause trouble as a kid; a delinquent. He told me that he was handcuffed several times.
-He told me he punched a girl in the face, either Junior High or High School.
-He had animals, but he made it sound like he actually did like them. Although now he doesn’t.
-Acts like a bratty, emotionally underdeveloped teenager.
This summer vacation we traveled from California to Michigan to visit his father for the 2nd year in a row. At this point I still felt that we had a chance and was looking forward to spending time with his family. We spent some time with him, traveling. Although My Sociopath’s behavior was terrible the whole time, his father did/said little to teach him differently. I still receive texts from his father trying to convince me he is a good man. In many ways he is, and had done many nice things for us and is very smart and has many interesting stories to tell. But he lives a hoarder lifestyle, his house packed with “antiques” he believes are worth a lot of money. He has always welcomed me and has offered to pay for many things I need or want. This now seems like coercion rather than help.
Unfortunately, most of the time I was upset by something My Soc had said or done to me or the boys (see list above). He had not only played favorites, but also told his daughter not to listen to anything I asked her to do, like help unpack by carrying her teddy bear, backpack and blanket from the car and into the house, as I had expected my kids to do as well. This totally undermined my authority and she was getting to the point where she was so confused she would straight ignore me and get upset by him controlling he every move.
The whole summer was filled with abusive behaviors and I think maybe due to his lack of being able to get his hands on a regular dosage of pot that he is addicted to.
When we returned from camping, I had had enough and he didn’t get why I was so upset. I told him that he is abusive to the boys and to me, and that I do not want to be in this relationship any longer. He did not see that any of his behaviors were inappropriate! The next day we were supposed to drive to Indiana to visit his mom and step-father. As they live in a nice home near a lake, are very friendly and I had so much fun the previous year, I had been excited to bring my son’s there to meet them and enjoy their time there. But, I could not imagine having to fake smile and pretend that I was happy, when I could barely keep from crying at all times. I was up till 3 in the morning looking for a way to come home that I could afford. Maybe a hotel till we leave? Maybe a flight tonight? A rental car? I Googled “How much does it cost to drive from Michigan to LA?” I couldn’t afford any of it.
The next day he promised things would be better. We packed and drove to Indiana and had a fairly ok time. I was trying to stay positive and hopeful, but seeing how he reacted to the kids just being kids, it was hard to maintain.
We made the 4 hour drive to Indiana and had a nice time with the family. I got to meet his step-siblings and their children. But the first day that we spent with his sister and her husband, you could tell she was appalled at the things he would say, so aggressive, without a filter in front of the kids and had called my son a dumbass in front of everyone. She left clearly uncomfortable.
That night, his mom approached me and asked if he always acted that way. It was the first time that I felt like someone actually sees what I see!!! I gave her a couple examples of what he says and she immediately told me that I deserve better! It felt weird that even his own mom was so uncomfortable that she had to say something to me.
That night, I told him I was embarrassed about what had happened in front of his family, and he agreed, but he thought I was referring to how my son was behaving! He completely missed that I was actually talking about how he was behaving, not my son! Yes, my son might have been out of line, but my responsibility to teach him how to act is overshadowed by how My Soc acts. Just like a child!
The next morning, I definitively told him that we are no longer in a relationship. He said fine.
He continued to act like a child. He did play and fish with the kids, but was verbally abusive to his mom in that he would not let her speak her opinion on any matter, because he would “Bulldoze” through the conversation anytime she tried to explain her point of view.
The thought of returning to Michigan for another week, then flying back to California, where his daughter would have to spend yet another week with us till she flew back to her mom, was agonizing. I could not imagine having to continue on with them! And I knew he would try to get his way back in as he had always done before. Yet, I could not think of a way out.
The night before we were to leave to go back to Michigan, I was sitting with his mom and step-father. They simply said that they are offering me and the boys the opportunity to stay with them while he and his daughter drove back to Michigan. They would find and pay for tickets for us to return without them! I immediately said, yes! So, we planned that we would confront him in the morning before we were supposed to leave to tell him the plan.
I uncomfortably slept next to him that night, after he again bumped me hard with his butt ramming into my hip. I asked him to please not do that because it hurts me.
The next morning, I packed my things and put them in the den along with the boy’s things. His mom and step-father called him and me onto the patio to sit and talk. His step-father simply stated, “This is how it’s going to be. You are going to drive back to Michigan, and they are going to stay here.” His response to me was “Really? Is that what you want?” and I said, “Yes” and he said, “Fine”. Then he shot out some comment about how they can now send me money like they do for 2 needy families in third world countries, and left to pack his and his daughter’s things.
While he packed, I was so shaken and worried about what angry stunt he might pull, pulled the boys aside and told them what was happening. My younger son, without flinching, said, “Ok.” My older son started crying, but was only upset that he wasn’t going to get the book that My Soc’s father had promised him. That’s it. No sadness about being separated from him at all.
After he had finished packing the car, and as I was speaking to the boys, he came to us. He was behind me and I couldn’t handle looking at him, so I didn’t turn around, but he asked again, “Are you sure this is what you want?” and I said, “Yes.” And then he left. He turned out of the driveway sending a wake of pebbles all across the yard and drove off wildly.
And I took a deep and painful sigh of relief.
And then began the flood of texts. He drove to Kentucky so I could think and he can come back and pick me up and will forget this ever happened and he loves me. He’s sorry and will change and just wanted to teach the boys to respect me and he loves me. That his daughter doesn’t understand what is going on and she loves me and he loves me. He texted his mom, his sister, his step-dad, threatening them and that he loves them. That his step-dad is a liar and his mom should get away with her money and he will take care of her instead and he loves her. That he needs his briefcase mailed to him so he can pay his bills and he loves us. That he doesn’t know where his daughter will sleep so please just let her stay with me and he won’t and he loves me. That he will forgive us for everything and he loves us.
These types of messages came in every hour if not more for the next few days. The boys and I spent 3 more days in Indiana. We had an amazing time finally being able to somewhat relax. As I spent time away from him, memories of the abusive moments came to me from every direction. We decided that the best thing would be to establish no contact with him.
I knew I had to find my car (he had taken it to a friend’s house whom I did not know, so it would be safe from my mom and step-brother). I had to figure out a way to take him off the title (he had cosigned for the car because my credit was non-existent; another way to control, perhaps?). I had to find a place I could afford and move out. I needed to pack his things before he returned so that I wouldn’t have to see him at my doorstep slithering his way back into my life. I planned on possibly going to a Domestic Violence Shelter, so we could be safe from him. I don’t think he would purposely harm any of us, but the coercion is dangerous. But then again, who knows? Maybe he could.
His mom told me to Google Sociopath. There he was, a perfect picture of him written as a checklist in which every sociopathic trait was ticked! Narcissist, check! Lack of Empathy, check! Childish, check! Lying, check! Controlling, check! Financial abuse, check! No remorse, check! Not knowing what he was doing was painful to others, check! Not caring, check! Repetition of the cycle, check! Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, check, check, CHECK!
Last Wednesday the boys and I flew back home. I informed my mom from the airport in Indiana that we were on our way, that we need a ride home and to please keep it secret from my half-brother so that My Soc doesn’t find out from him. She picked us up and I told her then kind of what happened. She understood and was not surprised.
I told my half-brother the next morning, as he was sleeping when we returned. I told him how important it was for him to play dumb and not let My Soc know anything, even though it might be difficult.
Since then, My Soc does/did not know where I was, if in Indiana or back home. He constantly texts, calls or emails, which I ignored each and every one. He has threatened to call my younger son’s father (yet another emotionally abusive relationship of 5 years), and 5 minutes later said he regrets the phone calls he just made, implying that he did in fact call him. He texts my half-brother and tries to find things out from him. My half-brother feels badly about lying to him and not responding because they are friends.
Most of the time he tells me that he is sorry and will do anything to have me back, which makes me feel like maybe I’m the bad guy, falsely profiling him as a sociopath. Maybe I’m the crazy one, after all, I had gone through many things that could make me into a bad person. And then I remember all the things he did to us.
I sent him one single email where I told him that he had to change about 20 specific things before I would consider even talking to him, including having a stable job, his own place, and making a steady income. Many of the items I listed were genuine changes in personality including morals and ethics, which I doubt are changeable.
With the help of my kids, I have packed all of his things from the house into a storage unit I had to pay for. Oh man, my back hurts! That is something he would have helped me do. And guess what I found among his paperwork? Pictures of him and “Jenny.” I will take the key to where his car is, so I can maintain no contact.
This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I cry every day, but each day less and less. It has been a week and a day since he left to Michigan and 6 days since the boys and I returned to California.
He and his daughter are flying back to California today on the flight that we were supposed to fly back together on. I have found some items of his that I still need to take to storage. I have just a few hours to decide what to do next.
Last night we were watching a movie in the living room. As I sat with my kids in my arms, my son said scooted nearer to me and said, “It’s been a long time since we snuggled.” I’ve been such a terrible mom.
The countdown begins as he lands in LA at 10:30 pm tonight. Do I trust that he will stay away, or should I leave my house for safety? Maybe I can stay at my grandma’s for a couple days? But then if he drives by, he’ll see my car. Staying at a friend’s is too much of a burden with kids.
I’m still trying to decide if he is or is not a sociopath. I’m not a doctor or a psychologist, but I know him better than either could. I know that many are fooled by the mask they hide behind. They mask to survive. I open up to survive. But, maybe he is just a sad man with a tough childhood that has to hide himself to protect himself. Maybe he can get fixed. But, does he want to? He says he does, but is that a lie to get what he wants? And if he does go to therapy, will he really learn or heal, or will it just be a façade?
Sociopathy is so interesting and so subtle sometimes and so sad. If he is a real sociopath, I know there is no going back and I will keep running.
OH! I JUST received a text from his father saying that he hopes I will judge him by how he was with me, rather than by what his ex-wife said about him. That he still wants to support my photography career (he was going to buy me Photoshop), that his life was enriched by my son’s and my presence, and that problems are not solved by silence (as I have been trying to establish no contact)!
Whoa.
i don’t know if it is a sociopath…but possible psychopath??? I mean my soc has rage issues but major pride and ego checks it. There are a few different forms of antisocial personality disorder and then there is just trauma. therapy is needed in any and all cases. welcome to the jungle..I sometimes wonder who is more ill us or them. lol
Thanks for the welcome, haha 🙂 As you can see I’m till trying to find answers. I thought I read that a psychopath is born that way, whereas with a sociopath it’s a learned, protective behavior. Or is it the other way around? *shrug
Either way, my boys are #1. The other thing is some say to run and others show compassion. I’m trying to run AND show compassion. Not sure if that’ll work. Till things work out, I’ll stay at arms length. I wonder what rumors he’ll spread about me. We have acquaintances that know my younger son’s dad. Kinda scary not to be able to control that situation. I’m packing for us to stay at my grandma’s tonight. He’ll be back around midnight. *shiver
You are just leaving missing? Well done you – but please also be aware that the narcissistic rage is never greater than when you go to leave. This is when you are most at risk (basically they feel that they now have nothing to lose) the game then changes from gaming – to ruining. So go careful and leave safely!! 🙂
Hey MissingMarblesFound,
(love the name, btw) I say RUN. He will never change, compassion only works with those who are capable of it themselves. Be compassionate toward yourself – save yourself and your kids. He’ll lie to you and manipulate you so that you Think he has a heart, but he doesn’t. He’s in it for himself, and it would be unfortunate if your children see this deviant behaviour as the norm.
Thank you Dahhhhhh’ling! 🙂
It seems like I’ve run so many times in my life. I just can’t seem to get out of this black hole of a house, where bad things have been happening for such a long time. This area is sooo expensive and as a single mom of 2 boys, it seems hopeless to find a place that would give them the same type of space as we have here and safe. I feel worried that if I go to a Domestic Violence shelter, I’ll be swallowed whole. I worry my kids will be scared, as I was scared. I don’t want them to have the same story as I do. So I think for now my grandma’s will be ok. I know I keep going back and forth with that, but it’s all happening right. now. 5 more hours till he lands…
I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they’re strong
But my knees were far too weak,
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
But there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you’d say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing is better
‘Cause there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you’d say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you’d play
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!
Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we’re already over
I can’t help myself from looking for you.
[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, ohhhh!
Oh noooo
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn
Oh man Belle, that song is so amazing and totally hits the nail on the head! Ouch!
Thank you!
I know that going to a domestic violence place is scary and it is not the best situation in the world – but what I want you to know is that no matter how difficult it would be – you would be safe – and so would your children. You have space to think and to plan ahead. And you can start moving forward for your own life. This is something that you cannot do whilst still in the relationship. Try to see it as somewhere you go THROUGH and not TO!!! 🙂
Missingmarblesfound,
Girlfriend welcome to the blog…these ladies are wonderful an it has helped me just being able to vent…You need to be safe…whatever it takes! Us the law,/ police! Don’t let your guard down!! He will not ever change so make your break and start a new life…we”re here for you!!
Nessa
I’ve been perved again!! OMG. I guess I feel a little empowered by that. My mind says he must be hurting and missing me. I’m sure his mind says let me look in on my prized possession and make sure no one has her. Oh well back to teaching my dog Hannah to know the difference between her right and left paw. Yes she is learning this tonight. For real.
Awww FS you are not an idiot you are just suffering the hurt & pain of being under the spell of the most evil type of Soc 😦
It’s an emotional war & the emotional vampire has bled you dry 😦
Do not doubt how wonderful you are, you are a beautiful person & worthy of so much better.
Do not let the Soc define you….he is the ugly, putrid, crappy monster.
Good people don’t systematically destroy another but, a Soc does….not worth wasting anymore of your time…..believe in yourself, time will help & please do some of the recommended healings….rest, sleep & bit by bit you will start to recover & emerge to a brand new Fantastic You that you have always been 🙂
Thanks. I’m worried I only feel strongly for men I can’t have…. I mean you don’t think about it with a nice guy. Have to learn that its ok to not have to fight for love or prove something. I know in my heart winning the game was important to me …not just him. I’mbummed I lost lol
I know, it’s like we have to go for the badboys and boy are they bad. I’m going to make better choices in men…I am dating someone right now but I don’t feel the same as I did with my soc, I’m have a hard day today..I’m missing him
Good Girl Abs….no lions den for you bella…Stay Strong, you are worth the fight & you will get your power back 🙂
Make sure you get heaps of rest….time for you now 🙂
He probably was admiring you & meant what he said but, he views you as a beautiful possession & was probably coveting you as a possession.
Mine would often just look at me & say “you really are very beautiful” just off hand so, I think he meant it but, as I said more from a possession perspective like a trophy.
Mine collected Royal Dalton ladies & had them all in a china cabinet & I think I would find one with m name if I had looked!
Trophies are what they like to gather so, you are lovely, believe that 🙂
Thank you PR, I want to believe he meant it…but the passion lasted a year or so, then sex was no more…he would get pissed if I wanted to be intimate so I knew, I was easily discarded. 😦
Nessa, My Soc used to pin me down or hold my hair back & say “promise me you’ll never leave me, you are my possession & no other man will ever have you!”….it didn’t apply to his cheating though!
Kicked to the curb (lol)….PR xoxo
Mine didn’t care what I did until he wanted me around…the I was bombarded with phone calls and texts and if I failed to answer threats and doorbells. I can almost bet money on it that when he does come back (he will…six days six weeks..he will ..who knows when) he will tell me I owe him great sex for what I did. Al I did was get really upset he lied all summer about another girl…lol. but I will owe him something. I can almost guarantee he will text me that. I owe him. I’m curious how should I react…ignore? Cause I really want to punch him.
PR,
Mine would hold me down on the bed and say, don’t you ever tell me I will be alone….He claimed his dad was an abusive dad, and his mom was in and out of mental hospitals…and he always stated he didn’t want to follow the dads pathway…well one night I went to a friends house and had girl night reunion (high school) he drove me so I wouldn’t drink and drive…well when I called him to pick me up he was livid!! Said he drove by the house and saw no lights accused me of going to the bar…ect…I explained we were on here back patio which was true we just stayed there and visited…well when we got home, he called me a whore, slut, and I was blown away….so it came down to jealousy and rage…that was the night I told him if he continued to act as such, he would be just like his dad, old, decrepit and alone…so he grabbed me threw me on the bed and held his fist over me and told me to never, never ever say that to him again…Ironically, his dad was a player just as him…so the apple didn’t fall very far from the tree…
I’m a little confused, my soc was never physically abusive or seemed to be threatened by my having friends, doing things without him etc. but he did do other things like never return calls or texts unless he wanted to and controlled when we saw one another. But one strange thing is we never spent the night at one another’s houses, he seemed happy to have time apart and mentioned once that he liked his life the way it was, the last e-mail I wrote stating I thought we should be much further along after almost 5 years, spending the night and eventually living together is what caused him to break things off with me …..for the millionth time. He said he wasn’t interested in giving any more than he already had and that he wouldn’t call me again in a month (usually how long we could be apart after a disagreemnt) and want to get back together. I thought it was funny because he gave so little as it was, didn’t like to be touched and would find an excuse to get up if I leaned on him while we watched t.v.etc…quite odd. He told me he loved me in an e-mail just 3 weeks before that so it seems reasonable to me that there’d be progression of some sort. I don’t get it!!!
I have been thinking about this and other things alot the last few days and have been convicted in my thoughts and feelings about it being for the best but I do miss the companionship and have felt sick to my stomach over it since yesterday morning…..help!!!
FR,
Oh my gosh!! That’s terrible! We deserve so much better!! I’m so glad I found this site and all of you so we can vent!
Nessa
So glad your still here 🙂 🙂
It’s amazing how messages come from above via songs & we don’t actually get the true meaning of the message until we reflect on it or view it from another perspective or experience.
I wanted to take a minute to share something with all of you, as it brought a great deal of clarity to my life and my past experience. Last night, I went out to dinner with a close friend of mine. We had been catching up on work, past relationships, and begrudgingly, I re-hashed a portion of the last stint with my ex-soc. I think we can all relate to this, as we frequently re-hash on here in search of answers, validation and to make sense of anything at all that has gone on around us.
It is natural, in the state we are left, to look for answers or finally have a “box” to be able to fit these people into. Or, at least, have a clear DSM-V diagnosis of what these people “are” and what these people “do”. All that does make sense, and can bring a sense of clarity…but I think as we are re-hashing and looking for answers, we forget the bigger picture here, which my friend made completely aware to me last night.
I was re-playing the last episode in my mind, where my soc is now showing up to my work because he is “friends” with a girl I work with. Considering we have had NC for 8 weeks, and I have no facebook for him to check up on me with….Unlikely that this has nothing at all to do with me? Complete coincidence? Hmm.. You can see how we naturally have these thoughts that cross our mind. Which, ironically, is probably what the soc is going for anyway. So, I have to admit, it was a success on that account. I did think of his motives. Or, at least question/wonder about them.
And then my friend said something so incredible simple it was stupid ha. He said “It doesnt matter what I think”…And I was waiting for the …”Because its over now” or “Because you shouldnt care” or “because I dont know him well enough to deliberate”….But no. Instead, he said something way more simple than that. He said the following:
“It doesnt matter what I think, because you cant find reason in a psychopath”.
It hit me silly..and I looked at him and laughed…because he is so RIGHT!
And then he went on with this analogy, which I found brilliant…
“It’s like when you meet someone who is colorblind….and they tell you that they cant see the color blue. No matter how many different shades of blue you show them, no matter which day of the week, and no matter how much time passes between the last time you tried, they STILL cant see the color blue…”
Trying to understand a psychopath/sociopath is similar to being colorblind and trying to see the color blue. As empaths, or at least compassionate human beings, we dont even possess the skill set, or lack there of, to understand the motives of these people. We will NOT be able to make sense of their motives, their behaviors or what they do and why they do it.
It made so much sense to me I immediately started laughing and smiling…
So, he reiterated once more,
“So, really, you can ask me a hundred different ways what I think it means…but at the end of the day, I cant see the color psycho”
Hope some of you found this to be helpful and as enlightening as I did 🙂 !!
I had a similar convo with a friend about why these peeps do what they do, what motivates them etc. I told her “You cannot use a stable mind to understand someone who’s unstable, you’ll never understand them or “get” what they think or why they do what they do because they’re not normal and emotionally healthy”, simple as that!”
I hate it when i’m trying to relate the Soc story & the other person just glazes over & retreats back into their safe, normal world (lol) & I just give up & say “you are so lucky & I hope you never understand!”….we need to get our NORMAL on 🙂 xoxox PR
What your friend says it’s so real, we can’t ever understand the reasons and motives of our “Pinnochios”, but I hope everyone of us can reach the understanding of why we stayed for so long on this kind of “relationship” that made us unhappy, and why it’s so hard to let it go and break the cycle.
There’s an excellent book, “Why he does that?” about abusive partners…not every abuser is a sociopath, but every sociopath is an abuser.
FS if he comes calling etc…ignore him & let him know how that feels.
Mine did the bombarding of calls, txts etc…& if I didn’t answer was really shitty etc…but then he would do it all the time.
Once after a period of his ignoring me I just got fed up & didn’t bother chasing so, I left the phone & went out for a walk….I was coming back & he was waiting for me & was livid.
So I told him if he wants to play games don’t bother I’m over it & he said he wouldn’t do it again. He rang me constantly from then but, he kept control by saying just call me & hang up & I’ll return your call if I’m not busy etc…logical as he was on call as a fireman etc…but, he always called back. He did this for years & years but, he always had the control & I fell for it.
He did the same with the OW it was his way of controlling the situation….he learnt that I wouldn’t play that game so, changed tactics that’s all.
If you can’t ignore him then you have my permission to punch him right in the nose…& give him one from me 🙂 LOL….I would love to give mine a good bunch of 5’s but, I’m to nice…he always said that also!!!!
FS I did the same…always trying to prove to myself & others that he was a great guy.
I constantly reinforced to everyone that he was so good too me etc…blah,blah but, then that’s what he taught me to say….”I’ve always treated you well haven’t I????” & I would mumble something like “if you say so????” I was such a fool but, I so wanted to be wrong about what my gut kept saying & I thought he would see how great I was etc….blah,blah…we all do this.
We set ourselves up sometimes with something to prove.
I have always sought the approval of men that don’t fulfil me….the nice guys I have always run from 😦
I’m working on this as my need for the wrong type of attention goes way, way back!
I am healing & learning from this as I have a much bigger lesson to learn & I’m really getting it now 🙂
I wrote an email to the OW when we had contact in the beginning & I said (our Soc) doesn’t have empathy etc…you know the drill but, I explained it as lacking something.
Like in not having one of the 5 senses, hearing, smell, sight, touch, taste.
Take one away & other senses get heightened to cope & adapt.
In the Soc’s case they have the above senses but lack empathy, compassion, love, pain senses…& if you take those away they adapt other awareness’s to cope & blend.
They heighten other sensory skills as we know, lying, manipulation, faking etc…
So to describe the loss of empathy I equate it to the loss of a sense ( they make our lives nonsence) just like that.
I couldn’t stand losing a sense so, I pity the Soc’s for their lack of SENSE 🙂
I did that too…oh he is good to me blah blah..he was terrible. What’s crazy thinking back to those times I feel like I almost believed what I was saying…still NC! Yay! I need to get moving here before I slip and go backwards.
Stay strong everyone!
Cecilybecily mine was the same. But there is no question I am like a drug to him. Is it possible they view this as a weakness and create more distance? Mine loves the chase…. when I became available and easy is when he drifted. Now he is in a bliss stage with a much younger woman and spending time with her (still had to see me though) and I found out (he is now angry at me) and she is apparently in love. Best thing I heard haha now she can be the chaser he will tire of while I give him space. In fact when he does call (he will…thinking I will be apologetic and run back to make it up to him) I am going to agree with the state of affairs and just say I hope we can be friends. Yep I am dicking with him… but it will create a chase response for me and a run responce from him (to her lol). I plan to do this until he’s whipped. God. Maybe I am a sociopath.. although I don’t think so. I know I’m a bit selfish and I want to win. (I just want to be avenged on this one. Just a bit!!) And I’m nice to my doggie and kids. I’m ok right? Lol
feelingstupid, I actually read somewhere (maybe here) that the distance thing is also calculated to create a wanting in us, therefore just another control tactic. Mine used to tell me I was like an addiction, he couldn’t keep his hands off me and the sex was off the chain but it doesn’t comfort me when I’m sick or pay my bills or enhance my life in any real way, it’s just great sex. While I have stalked him in the past and never found anything to be upset about, never saw another woman at is house or caught him with one, I have absolutely no desire to engage in that behavior anymore and haven’t since way early last year. Once I realized he was indeed a socipath, it seemed pointless as they cannot change so why torment myself over him and what he may or may not be doing.? I also played that cat and mouse game with him, if I didn’t respond to a call or text from him, he’d get irate yet if the sitution were reversed and I got upset over an ignored call, he acted like it was nothing… total mind bullshit.
I did tell him in an e-mail that it might have been easy for him to prowl and catch when he was younger (was HOT) but his age, ill health, loss of hair and bigger gut wouldn’t get him another woman of my caliber, intelligence and beauty. Now, I’m not the most beautiful woman to ever walk the planet but I am very attractive, smart, funny and kind so I know if someone falls under his spell, he’ll get bored as most can’t keep up with him and I can match him wit for wit and was usually way over his head. It’s not to say that he’s not smart because he is, just not in a true intellectual way and much escaped him. I had to define words and phrases I use regularly that most understand, he just wasn’t very articulate, nothing wrong with that per se but I know it intimidated him. I never, ever acted smug or superior, there was a time I didn’t know things myself and had to learn, but it bugged him none the less.
Anyway, enough blah, blah, blah, would love pr’s take on all this!!!
@ Nessa 🙂
My Soc told me his Dad was a player also?
The fruit definitely does not fall far from the tree, in fact my Soc has his late 20’s son acting as is wing-man. He takes his son around to meet his ladies & show him how it’s done!!!
I would often have lunch with them both etc…& he took his son overseas with him & the OW so, the son knew about both of us & never said a word 😦
Sad but, true!
Oh my goodness..this sounds so familiar! My soc would go out with his son, then brag to me that his son would say, ” Hey dad live me some to chose from” that just makes me sick…the funny thing is he and his son have not spoken in 3 years and he would say, I feel so sorry for the girls my son dates, because he’s only out for what the girl can give him (money, social status) funny I think both of his kids are like him…..the 3 soc family members!! Ha ha ha ha…no wonder they cant get along because they all know what games they are playing…wow my light bulb just went off!!
As I was reading your post it was like I wrote it myself….identical take on it….my Soc was street smart or just a great gleaner of information but, actual smarts/intellect was not his strong point & he was always learning info from me 🙂
Ditto on the sex etc…& I was his match in many ways & that’s why he never ended it!
He always said I would have to end it with him, just I didn’t expect it to be so dramatic with the OW.
I could have survived but, not forgiven the cheating it was just the whole Soc revelation that really shook me to the core…bizarre & surreal situation. Who’d have thought they existed i sure as hell didn’t until now 😦
I am like you also in looks & like you am not vain or blow my own trumpet but, strong,smart,attractive,funny,outgoing & I have a huge support group of the most amazing friends 🙂
I think my friends are a reflection of me so, I am pretty damn amazing 🙂
I cannot pick a decent man to save myself but, I make up for it tenfold in my friends 🙂 of which you ladies I now consider albeit in cyberspace 🙂
Still we have facebook & email so,we are never alone & the more friends the merrier I say 🙂
I am doing well & often comment just to share & support but, I am now well into my healing stage 🙂
Backatcha CB….it’s been great to have this site for us all to help each other on our journey, at least we have found each other & that’s a big positiva for us 🙂
PR xoxo
@ Nessa,
You will have so many light bulb moments you will light the night sky 🙂
My Soc supports his son financially & rewards his loyalty with overseas trips etc…
His son has had numerous failed relationships & views all women with disdain so, definitely following his father’s lead. My Soc’s early 30’s daughter also would call me & see me face to face & cover his lies…what the hell???
I even employed her when she was saving to get married & lost her job etc….argh!!! They are very loyal yet sick…but, they have a Sociopath father so, I am not surprised in the least.
My Soc’s son lives with his mother (Soc has never divorced her) & the Soc controls her via the son…the children sabotage any chance of her happiness with someone else.
All controlled & orchestrated by the Soc…really sad 😦 I don’t think she has any idea which is tragic!
Yes you are right, I continue to have the light bulb moments!! It’s crazy, here I sit here on a friday night like the last year and he’s already moved on with a new woman, playing the game…yes I think his kids are just like him, they use each other when they need back up….what a sick family and way to live…I have this really nice man that likes me, but I just keep having flash backs and I honestly don’t think I will ever be able to have a relationship with anyone for a long time…the scars are deeper than I thought
Give yourself time to heal….you have been severely traumatised by your relationship with your Soc 😦
The nice guy will wait & when your ready hopefully you can share what’s happened to you??? Just work on healing yourself & seeking support here & elsewhere.
You need to feel comfortable & good within & not rebound into another relationship as it won’t be good for you or him….take your time….this is Your time now….be happy, be strong but, most of all be You 🙂
Love PR xoxo
My story goes like this…
* Met my ex husband via social media
* He came on really strong and after being treated like rubbish in past relationships I was flattered
* Added all my friends to his social media – red flag.
* Did the whole seduction/soul mate connection malarkey
* I’ve always wanted to travel, he told me stories about his travels around the world (later found out it was all made up)
* Asked me to move in straight away (later found out he nearly lost his house because he hadn’t been paying his bills)
* Told me he had some minor money issues but was getting it sorted
* I paid all his bills/rent/food…
* I looked after his daughter all the time because he wanted us to ‘bond’ (he couldn’t be bothered to do it)
* Asked me to get married in the first month – red flag.
* Told me all he wanted was a family because his childhood was so awful
* When I expressed doubt about marriage and babies he would cry and make up stories about his terrible childhood
* I ridiculously decided to give him the family he “always wanted”
* Started to phase my friends out of my life, told me they didn’t want to know me now I was married with a baby, told me they were a bad influence etc
* One day I was so suffocated I told him I needed some time with my friends, he went mad saying I couldn’t leave my baby (6 months old) what kind of mother was I, he couldn’t look after him on his own (he was a single father when we met..)
* Mask slipped and I saw nothing in his eyes, I was freaked out and asked him to leave
* Started crying and saying he thought I would leave, he didn’t trust my friends, his mum had cheated on his dad etc
* He convinced me to let him stay and decided he could actually manage to “babysit” his own children for a couple of hours
* When I was out he would text and ring constantly, like every 5 minutes or so
* Would ask who I was with, where I was, what I was doing
* After about 40 mins told me the baby was sick and he couldn’t cope and I had to come home
* As I was leaving he was outside in his car (it was about a half hour drive so he’d obviously decided a while ago this would be a short night out)
* Screamed and shouted at me that I was a terrible mother etc
* Back to being sweet and charming the next morning, when I tried to broach the subject he would change the subject
* Bizzarely this doesn’t fit in with the ‘sociopath stereotype’ but he convinced me not to go back to work after maternity leave (I earned more than him) thus leaving me isolated
* Started to make me feel awkward about going out during the day, how will you manage the pushchair on the bus, you can’t breast feed in public it’s disgusting, shouldn’t you wait until you’ve lost some baby weight
* I became very isolated from all my friends and we moved house about 40 miles away to an isolated area (couldn’t walk to the shop etc)
* Whittled away at my confidence slowly so I didn’t even realise what was happening
* Took control of my social media, made me give him my passwords and he gave me his (then changed them)
* Had a secret phone
* Would lie about EVERYTHING even the most mind boggingly pathetic things
* Wild elaborate lies – as if he wanted to get caught out?
* Began convincing me I was crazy. I thought I was for a while. Weird things would happen like I would put dinner in the oven and set the timer, then when it went off and I went to get it out it would be cold, I’d “forgotten” to turn the oven on and just set the timer (caught him turning it off a couple of times) or he’d turn the heat right up so everything would be burnt
* At the start I was the most beautiful woman in the world, then I became a “crazy mess”, was told no one would want me, he didn’t know why he put up with me
* Started to become aggressive if I ever tried to defend myself, I had to call the police one time because he had his hands around my throat
* Stalled for time. Police tried to make him leave, he kept coming back “forgotten to get toothbrush”, “need phone charger” etc, this happened about half a dozen times
* Told police I was crazy and shouldn’t be around the kids (they believed me thank god, female officer even said she’s seen so many men like this and I need to leave – Red flag!)
* As he was leaving would shout things like remember to feed the cat (eye roll)
* Wormed his way back in. Didn’t want the kids to have the childhood he did, he’d change, he’d get help
* Went on like this for another two years until I was a shadow of my former self. I had no friends, no money, nothing.
* Started having blatant affairs – it was like he wanted to be caught, it thrilled him to look into my eyes and lie to me.
* Had an affair with a “friend” told her I was crazy and suffering post natal depression, said I’d tried to kill myself, told her I was mad
* I snapped and threw him out. He stole things that were really important to me, a first edition book my best friend had bought me one Christmas, a pair of shoe I’d bought with my first ever pay check and a silk nightdress my nana had bought for me as well as all of my underwear (weird?!)
* When confronted about the missing items he said “you know what you’re like, it’s probably right in front of you, you always misplace things”
* A week or so later he came to see the kids and needed the toilet so went upstairs – came down with a bundle of my underwear “Look what I just found in the washing basket you’re so fucking stupid you shouldn’t be allowed to look after the kids”
* Washing basket had definitely been empty, I’d put on a wash that morning..
* Started to stalk me. Would stand outside my house at night staring through the windows, I was scared so I rang him, guy watching through the window reached into his pocket and answered a phone yet he denied it (I could hear the wind?) said he was at home and I was crazy, probably imagining things as usual
* This carried on for a long time
* I developed anorexia (a need to control something maybe?) and attempted suicide, was sectioned in a mental health facility
* Lost custody of the children, my mum and dad sided with my ex husband.
So that’s my story. It’s been a year since I got out of the mental health institute and I’m beginning to heal. I still have issues with food but I’m getting better.
I see my children every weekend but he still has custody, he quit his job and now stays at home getting the government to pay for his lifestyle.
My parents still don’t talk to me.
My brothers, sisters, cousins and everyone on my Facebook no longer talk to me.
The majority of my friends no longer talk to me, except one, my best friend Ben who thankfully was phased out first, but this allowed him not to get caught up in my husbands lies.
This website has helped me so much, I just needed answers and now I realise I may never get them, but having an explanation of his behaviour is an answer in itself – so thank you, you’ve helped me more than you could ever know.
Hi Leanne,
I’m so sorry for what has happened to you!! This blog has helped me so much, it’s a way to vent and that’s what you need to do!! This is the safe place where you can process what has happened to you!! We have lots in common..welcome to the blog!!
Nessa
Hi Nessa, So sorry for what has happened to you, they are poor excuses for human beings, well the worst is over and you are truly a survivor, a very very strong woman. God Bless You in your own journey to recovery Much love to you…
Leanne, we are here for you! You are such a strong person and will come through all of this full of love, light and an amazing refresher of a life. Its not too late.
I, too, suffered from an ED for a few years one “go around” with my soc (we had been on and off for 10 years). It was pretty severe, along with depression (I’m sure you know they go hand in hand). But I needed to control something and came to hate myself so much, at that point, I didnt care I was hurting my body. I wanted someone to save me, or let me die. And during that time, it was the darkest months of my life, he didnt contact me for MONTHS for me to go through this all on my own. I was terrified and incredibly low. I remember my parents setting up some sort of intervention for me because no one knew what to do with me. I wore sweat pants ever day, would forget to take care of myself..it was just a low place to be.
But in the end, thats exactly where I needed to be to hit rock bottom and bounce back up. I learned so much self-healing and self-esteem when I was left to myself. When I was left alone, with truly no one to care whether I made it or not, I decided FOR MYSELF that I would make it. It was a blessing in disguise. Because no one has been able to shake that self awareness and self love from me since. And, of course, he saw that and circled back for more, now that I was a strong, independent and loving person. So, be careful of that too. Its a challenge for them to try to shake you…and they see you at your best as attractive.
My heart really goes out to you, as I understand some of your personal battles. I promise you are not alone, even when you feel alone. And more than anything, I promise you will ALWAYS be worth it, even if it doesnt feel like it. Keep moving forward, keep going. We’re all here for you.
I am so sorry to hear how terribly you have been treated 😦
I cannot even begin to imagine what this has been like for you, & to lose your family & friends is horrendous 😦
You are such a very strong & brave person to have endured so much torment & survived
(WOW)….I hope you can get some answers that will put you well & truly onto your healing path 🙂
Firstly, this is a great site & Positavagirl will be invaluable as she has been to so many of us 🙂
Secondly, the support here is wonderful & we are all enduring our own journeys & are at different stages but, our bond through understanding the abuse, trauma & betrayal that we have all suffered is very strong.
Thirdly, We are victims that are turning into such strong survivors & you are welcome here & never feel judged or alone….we are here & we will try & help you to the best of our ability 🙂
You are a wonderful person & you deserve to be treated with dignity & compassion so, I hope you feel safe here.
When you were in hospital did they talk about ‘Gaslighting’ or Narcissistic/Sociopaths etc…did they understand the abuse cycle that you had been in?
Welcome to the site and I’m sorry about everything you have gone through. I had my family help my daughters father in a custody case, I was arrested, had my daughter taken from an aunts house when I was arrested and taken to another state…had my car taken from me (moms name, didnt like who him so she called the dealership and had them pick up my car) all of this within the first 7 months of meeting my sociopath.no friends , gave him thousands of dollars, it’s been a horrible roller coaster ride but so happy I found this site and on the path to getting my life back…(btw I also heard so many rediculous lies I don’t know how I ever kept a straight face) the last measage i got from him after he gave me the silent treatment for 24 hours was at 338am on 8/20. I still haven’t responded. Stay strong. And you are still beautiful.
Fack I’m needy. No contact. (He does have a new victim after all plus he hates me). I cant stop thinking I want to shut my brain off. Thank god I’m so busy. I hastily made a date for this wknd and onr next wknd (2 potential suitors) but I don’t feel I am ready for intimacy yet. I’m a mess. I goddamn don’t deserve to be a goddamn mess I want the wasting of my life to be over !!! I’m so sorry I keep posting angry shit but I’m OFF. I drive by him last night…sitting in a corner store parking lot at nine thirty. He was looking down so obviously texting her. I foolishly feel good knowing he spent the bulk of his night with his buddies and then called her just for the booty call. Mean I know.. but I don’t have to feel the jealousy. Fuck sakes I’m sick of talking about it but this site saved my sanity this week. I refuse to be ashamed for having loved someone with a real heart. Thanks all…
A few months ago, I went through his dresser and he new I did, and set it up and caught me….what an asshole!! So don’t feel bad for posting your feelings…I drove by and saw him with the new girlfriend and her kids playing outside where he and I use to live!! He’s a ass!! You have my support!!
Nessa
FS. UR hurting and there’s no shame in that. I’m on day 3 or 4 of NC and its not fun. It’s not pleasant. I have a counselor I see bc of family stuff and she referred me to a psychiatrist who actually knows a lot about these antisocials. I’ve never seen a shrink before but WOW. The way he explained why I’m going thru this was amazing. I had been crying on the floor for hours everyday. Crying on the way home from work etc. after seeing this guy I have not shed a tear. So I guess what I’m saying is if u haven’t done so find a good counselor or dr who really knows their stuff and it will make all the difference in the world. Praying for us all…….
Hi Judah- was wondering what the psychiatrist said to make you stop the tears. I have moments of strength and moments of weakness. And I dearly hate the moments where someone who never cared about me can make me cry! I hate it! I started to write out my story maybe to post here. It helps to get it out, but hurts so much at the same time to see all of the red flags I should’ve paid more attention to…..just makes me feel like that much more of an idiot 😦 Sorry just having a bad day…..
That’s how I have always acted when we separate… but this time I have no tears. I’m still thinking of it a lot and I still want him to cave and call and I don’t know why but no hysterical sadness. I just have none. And I’m bipolar… I have had a psychiatrist for years lol and its free.. lol. Do you know I have never ever mentioned this person to him… in 3 years. I knew it was bad for me… so I never told my psychiatrist anything about it. I protected him and myself from the reality. Christ am I delusional? I still don’t know if I am ready to talk about it with doc. (I write a lot you see.. but he has to pull things out of me at appts…I’m not verbal whiny lol
Ok it broke. My dead feeling of nothingness broke like a dam. I drove home in tears practically hysterical and unable to breathe. Short lived however… I’m still emotional. There is no turning back now though. He finally broke us.
Tears are good feeling…. I always said that each tear shed is one more step towards healing…. if you get really upset – try writing down your feelings. It can be really useful to have a journal and to look back and see your progress.
The numbness and then emotions are normal. I cant tell ya how long I was numb before I had a solid 24 hours of on and off crying. And it wasnt over anything specific, just bottled up emotions coming to the surface. It feels so good to let it out. And once you rest and recover from it, you feel a huge sense of release and maybe even a little acceptance! It is all part of the healing process. You are getting closer FS 🙂
Brandy the dr I saw was able to explain who I was deep down. He explained how and why I am who I am. That sounds strange prob but in my situation there’s a lot of abuse since I was 6. And it still continues at my age of 48 (48 today!!!). But he could explain why it hurts so bad that my ex left N why I feel stuck wanting to drop him but also wanting to beg him back. It goes back to how the core of my being was formed at an early age and that was a self defense and fear thing bc of what I lived thru. Anyway it doesn’t mean I’m crazy just bc those people can push my buttons. And I don’t have a personality disorder or anything wrong w me. He did say that I have been severely traumatized above n beyond and I would never be able to overcome that by myself. He said if I looked at everyone in my life they would prob be negative in some way bc that’s all I’ve known since my family abuses and that’s why I was comfortable w my ex. The good news is he said outta all of them I am the only one there is any hope for as My mom is most likely a narcissistic Soc also.
Happy Birthday Judahbug! I hope you have the greatest day ever and never, ever forget how exceptional you are, it’s gonna be ok, we’re all pulling for you and helping you on your new journey!!! XOXOXO!
Well I hope you are having a very happy birthday! Thanks for sharing…I guess like everyone else I’m just looking for some closure that we all know will never come and that just stinks! I so want to be past the hurt and not allow him to have any effect on my emotions. He became so cold hearted about everything after I confronted him with his cheating. Moved right out without a care! I should be happy that he left…..to not have to put up with all the lies and cheating. I deserve more…we all do. Just some reason I can’t let go even though he’s already left the relationship. I hate to hear all of the trauma you have gone through in your life…but you’ve found help and that’s what’s important! You must be in such a better place in your life now! I’m proud of you for the healing you’ve done and I hope to get there some day too! Again I wish you a very happy birthday! And ty for listening 🙂
Thanks Brandy. My ex did the same. Walked out like I never existed. The girl dumped him n he’s alone looking for his next victim. He deserves to be alone!
But I’ve had little sleep so I’ve been resting and spending my day w Judah my beagle. Had some ice cream! And don’t feel all that well so just resting. But not crying and that’s a start. I worked from home a little and that was unexpected. It’s all good tho. Just living moment to moment.
Happy Birthday! ! Truly… everyday is a new beginning! ! I have a pretty good family. .mood disorders and anxiety but big hearts lol. I know what my issues are so going to be more forthcoming to doc like you’ve done. I am a very strong person I know it 🙂 (just one text to give me the satisfaction of knowing he is thinking of me too would be nice) sick. I know.
That’s all any of us can do I suppose! At least you treated yourself to ice cream!! And no one loves you more than your dog…men could really take a lesson from them! Lol. Well still thinking of you on your special day and hoping it ends on a high note!! 😉
Hi, I came across this blog whilst searching on Google for ‘does he have a girlfriend’ (just reading what I have just written has made me laugh out loud, genuinely because if you have to ask that question its most likely you already know the answer deep down) I have always been unlucky in love and my friends just say it’s because I have bad taste in men, however after reading this I am now aware that it may just be that there is something about me that attracts weird men, but usually I can tell they are slightly odd or just want sex from me so I avoid them and stop speaking to them, however the most recent guy was a completely different kettle of fish. I have read many posts on here and I am so sorry that people have been put through such horrific times, and I feel silly telling my story as it is nothing in comparison however this is my Story:
I am a 22 year old girl who has just recently finished my degree at University, about 5-6 months ago I was feeling lonely and could never meet a guy who I felt was suited to me or had similar values and interests, I expressed this to my homosexual male friend who told me about an app you could get on your phone where you could meet single people in your area and just talk to them if you felt lonely, therefore I thought why not (I had absolutely no intention whatsoever of ever meeting with people from the app) I was lonely and just wanted someone to chat to as I wasn’t getting along very well with my housemates and I just needed a bit of a boost. I had a lot of messages from really strange guys in which I did not reply to and was thinking about deleting my account because it was making me feel 10xs worse, until this guy popped up who looked really cute, at the time he messaged me I was busy therefore did not reply and when I came back to it he had messaged me saying I was rude for not replying and I thought what I weirdo, but as I am a kind person and actually hate rudeness I replied saying sorry I was busy (now he could not have known anything about me as my ‘dating profile’ had no information on it because I did not want some sort of stalker situation so he could not have known how much I hate rude people right? ) but we got talking and I was really wanting to go travelling when I finished uni and he had been backpacking for a couple of years which made me go HOLY HELL THIS GUY IS COOL! I told him I was deleting my profile so he asked for my Facebook, which I gave him as my Facebook doesn’t really have much information on either. He then told me he had moved from another city recently and had no friends here, he told me where he worked and where he lived and as I know the places he sounded legit and he asked for my number, I gave it him, and then started all the texts, ALLDAY EVERYDAY text after text after text! If I didn’t reply he would start getting funny, say I didn’t like him. I said to him I’m busy and I just want to be friends nothing more as I don’t even know him and this is all a bit too much! He made me feel really bad about that but I was wayyyy too busy at Uni to keep this up it was my final year and I wanted to do well so I needed my sleep. He asked if he could visit me at Uni I said no and then he kept asking if he could call me, again I said no. He said all he wanted to do was take me out for a drink and was it that bad of a thing to want, I asked him to leave me alone. Then no contact for about three months so I just thought ah he’s given up thank god! After Uni I went travelling and completely forgot all about him, until I got back and I saw on Facebook he had a girlfriend and I thought good for him as he had kept saying he really wanted a girlfriend and someone to treat special etc. I never contacted him about it, but a few days later I was out with my friends and they had uploaded a couple of pictures to Facebook and so he obviously had seen and knew I was back home. He then texted me asking if I was back home now for good and how I was and how uni was and travelling etc. (he’d obviously been going through all my photos but that’s quite a normal thing people do when bored on Facebook isn’t it? so I didn’t really think anything of it.) so out of politeness I replied, he then asked if I wanted to go for that drink (at this point in time I was jobless, just got back from the most amazing time of my life and felt really low as I was missing travelling and I was insanely bored) I spoke to my friend about it as I was sure I’d seen he had a girlfriend so why was he asking me out? So she said for me to say I wasn’t interested because he had a girlfriend, which is what I did, he then replied with a reply as if to say I was being a bit weird and that he only wanted to meet up for a ‘friendly drink’ so I thought why not I’m bored and even though I thought he was slightly weird If we met up in a public place he couldn’t do anything to harm me if my opinion of him was correct. We met at a pub I usually go to so I felt comfortable and as soon as he saw me he gave me a cuddle and said how happy he was to see me finally in the flesh! He bought me a drink and we sat down, we got chatting about travelling and it all seemed very normal, I asked about his girlfriend and he told me she was a friend from school who was having trouble with a stalker so they had put a relationship on fb to deter him from her, I thought bullshit if you have a stalker first thing you do is block them, as I have been stalked before and there is no way that kind of thing would deter one and it would put himself in danger, however he convinced me and I then questioned myself thinking if he had a gf he would not take me out in public that’s just a rooky error! He then sat close to me and tried to kiss me I pulled away like wtf are you doing, he apologized and I told him I hated public displays of affection, he then explained how that was silly and I shouldn’t care about what others think, he then told me that my eyes were beautiful and that they were green with blue around the outside (this is something which my own family can never detect) and I told him this and how I always tell people my eyes are blue green but they don’t get it, and at this moment I thought wow he must be so into me that he knows my eyes (sounds stupid I know) then he kissed me again and I let him. Then I told him about my past relationship which was not a nice one and he told me he’d had a similar experience. I forgot about all my doubts and the fact I told myself he was lying about his girlfriend, he then invited me to France to stay with his grandparents, I said no that’s weird I don’t really know you, then he said ok what do you want to know, I didn’t know what to ask I didn’t like getting put on the spot like that, so he told me how when he was travelling he got stabbed and showed me his scar and how he’s visited the seven wonders of the world etc. Stories that I thought were crazy as he was only 21 but he had the scar as evidence so I believed him. He walked me home which I thought was gentlemanly however he was very handsy and I told him I didn’t like it and if he carried on that would be it! So he apologised. I didn’t get him to walk me to my actual front door just in case. After this he was texting me constantly, again I said to him we don’t have to talk all the time, he said he’s only like this with me because he’s so excited about us, he asked when he could see me again and I said maybe next week but he was like no what you doing tomorrow, I was busy so we arranged for the day after. He asked me things about favourite music TV shows etc. and then told me he liked all he same stuff, we even had the same fear which was weird as I thought I was the only person in the world who cried whenever I got on a bicycle lol I said to myself it’s like he’s just repeating what you are saying but then he started telling me about episodes of my favourite program so I thought well he must be a fan unless he has quickly Googled everything. He then asked me what I was wearing I again went whoa what!? You think I’m that kind of girl! I then ignored him because I was pissed off, he kept texting saying he was sorry and I said if all he wanted was sex then he’s guna be waiting a long time, he told me he wanted a relationship and more than sex with me which reassured me. The next time we met we were going to take his dog for a walk which is what we did but it started raining and we ended up back at his house, he would not leave me alone, he was all over me, I kept saying no, time and time again but he still kept trying it on, I threatened to leave and never speak to him again and so he apologised and I did not believe his sorry this time, but he convinced me that he was and that it’s just that he really liked me and had never met anyone like me before. I told him he had to respect me. Everything from this point on moved really quickly, I felt like I had known him all my life. I didn’t see him for a few days as I was busy plus I wanted to take things slowly, he was constantly texting me asking what I was doing, who I was with and if I didn’t text back he’d keep texting and making me feel bad about it. All I kept thinking was he is so keen and so nice and we have so much in common, but the girlfriend thing really did play on my mind so I asked him again he said if I didn’t trust him what was the point and he said I know you find it difficult to trust but I’m here if you want to talk and I’m a very understanding guy. I found this really endearing and again forgot about my doubts. I saw him again at his house, he cooked me a romantic dinner and picked out my favourite films to watch, I thought if he just wanted sex he wouldn’t go to so much trouble and he actually made me think he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. We slept together as I thought our relationship was moving forward. And I stayed over the night, he told me he sleep talks and I was like that’s fine as a lot of my friends sleep talk and I can handle it, however in his sleep he put his arms around me and said the name of the girl who I thought was his girlfriend and said he really liked her, at this point I was like I know a lot of sleep talkers who say a lot of crap in their sleep but that was just the final straw for me. I got up and got dressed and told him I was going home expecting him to say sorry and explain himself, he didn’t, he told me to leave and said I was blowing everything out of proportion and that he wanted me to leave as now id made everything awkward, and I said I was sorry as it was 6am and that I wanted to stay, he said no and I had to walk home, I asked if we could just sit down and talk and he said to me no that’s what you do when you’re in a fucking long term relationship and that he barely knew me! He said he’d call me later; we would meet up and have a drink. I was so confused the fact that I was the one saying we need to slow down and that I didn’t know him well enough and he told me I was over thinking things and I was being crazy and now he was saying it! I got home luckily without any problems and went to sleep. When I awoke I thought I may have had a couple of missed calls or about a billion texts but nothing, I text him asking if he was okay-nothing. I went on Facebook and searched for him-nothing came up. I panicked and thought I’d ruined everything, I rang my friend to talk things through with her, she said she’d look for him on fb because I told her he had told me he would remove the relationship status from his fb so I thought maybe he had deleted his profile. He had unfriended me and blocked me! I could not believe it! At this point I was angry and wanted to know what was going on, I rang him he forwarded my call so I texted him saying all I want to know is why. I didn’t hear from him all day, I did think he may have been sleeping but surely not all day! He text me eventually saying he was sorry he had been asleep. I tried calling again he set his phone to busy, I had no idea what was happening. I went to sleep eventually but was awoken at 2am from a phone call, I missed it and text him asking to call again if he wanted but he didn’t. At that moment I told myself he was not worth it and if he contacted me again I would ignore him, I mean blocking me from Facebook was now proof enough that he was lying to me. He then texted me the next morning apologising he didn’t mean to wake me he accidently leant on his phone and what was I doing today. I didn’t reply and I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days, in this time I’d gotten a new job and life was looking up, but this morning he text me saying ‘HELLO???’ again I didn’t reply because I thought why would anyone reply to that! Plus I thought it was over and he was going to leave me alone. Also I have terrible bite marks on my leg and neck from him, which I did not realise at the time, which has left big purple bruises, it makes me feel sick every time I look in the mirror and this made me think he has the potential for violence.
Does this sound like a case of a Sociopath? Or is it just what people refer to as a player? Because now I’m worried he is going to spread lies about me especially if I keep ignoring him? Sorry this is such a long story and I do feel stupid I should have known that’s all he wanted from me but he made me feel so good about myself I wanted to believe him.
Welcome Hitgirl02,
You are not alone & your story is very familiar.
Positivagirl has given us all a refuge here & answers, that allow us to seek & find ourselves again 🙂
Best advice is read, learn, share & support 🙂
You will find it all here & you are not alone.
He sounds like a Sociopath but, you will have to decide that for yourself.
Regardless of that, no one that genuinely cares for you would hurt you or make you feel bad….this guy is doing that & it is not normal nor, should you be treated without respect & dignity.
The marking/bruising is a Soc trait so,is a lot of the other stuff 😦
You deserve better & you are not alone so, welcome & stay strong, work through this & we will support you as best we can.
Thank you Pheonix 🙂 I think I just needed someone else to agree with me about his behaviour, I am lucky In the fact that it all happened so quickly and in such a short space of time so I now can move on. From what I have read I need to keep reminding myself that the person I thought I knew, the perfect man, doesn’t exist in him as he is an illusion and the strong feelings that are felt are not feelings towards him but the person he was pretending to be therefore I can distance myself from the actual person and the only thing i will miss about the actual person is the cuddling, the holding hands and the intimate emotions, however you can have that with absolutely anyone. You are completely correct in saying that no one that cares for you would hurt you, this is a brilliant thing to remember in many situations 🙂 I think I need to learn from this experience not to be so open and honest with men at the very beginning as then I became an easy target. I hope now I can understand and support others through this .
xxx
@ Hitgirl02 🙂
Your young, just be you but, with a bit more awareness of what you deserve & are worthy of & if the next guy doesn’t value you or starts making you crazy with weird behaviour then let them go.
Remember love yourself & you will attract someone that loves you 🙂
High standards & high esteem & don’t compromise yourself for anyone 🙂
Heal from this & keep your radar up but, most of all be happy in yourself 🙂
Is this the right place to share a story and hopefully receive some support/affirmation/advice? My daughter just got out of a relationship with a young man I am pretty sure is a sociopath, and I am struggling with how to help her deal with what happened and move on with her life (she is only 17!). Is it ok if I share a little here of what happened to her (and our family) because of this boy and ask for guidance? I was not sure if this is the appropriate place or if I should be in the “forum” area … Thank you in advance!
Thank you! I have now sat down multiple times trying to write out in some form what happened to my daughter with this guy and find I just cannot write it all down — I get overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, and really angry. So I will suffice it to say, that I think the hardest thing for my daughter is that she feels she cannot come out and say “this guy is a sociopath” because people (both peers and adults) think she is overreacting and being too harsh. I find myself also reluctant to say it, even though I really believe it to be true. We did not figure out he was a sociopath until AFTER he broke up with her, and she began to find out so many things about him that were truly disturbing and alarming, and we saw behaviors that had never seen when they were together — because even at his young age (18), he is incredibly skilled at presenting himself in the way he feels he needs to in order to get what he wanted. Thank goodness in this case he did NOT get what he wanted from my daughter (namely, SEX), and I believe that is primarily the reason he moved on so quickly (they only dated 2 months). Her heart is broken because she truly fell in love with the person she THOUGHT he was and envisioned a future together with him, a future which HE encouraged her to reflect upon (told her he loved her, gave her expensive presents, including a ring, made a secret pinterest board with her to share ‘funny’ wedding ideas). The other very difficult twist to this is the spiritual/religious aspect; we are a Christian family and our faith is an integral part of who we are and how we live our lives, and this guy presented himself as someone who fit into that — he even professed (and continues to profess) that his dream is to become a youth pastor and to that end, he has just begun his first year of college to get a degree for that. Ladies, this is where I get a sick feeling in my gut because one of the big lies he told — or shall we say, didn’t tell — was about his sexual encounter with an underage girl at his church (he was 18, she was 14) about 4 months before he met my daughter. Parents were apparently notified, and the police were called in, but no charges were pressed, so I guess it was all kind of swept under the rug. When we found out about this (a couple weeks after the break-up) my husband actually contacted his church and had a sit-down with one of their ministers to make sure they weren’t going to recommend him for any type of positions working with youth as he goes forward in his “career.” Ok I can’t talk about that anymore because it gets me so worked up, probably because I know we have done all we can apart from prayer (which is a daily thing for me in regards to this!), and yet still I feel anxious for his future victims…. This too is one of the reasons my daughter is finding it so hard to move on, as she takes this part of the situation so very seriously and feels somehow responsible to make sure no one else gets hurt. I have gone on too long already! I just want my daughter to be happy again — she has good days and bad days, but she still gets sad and angry by turns….still cries occasionally about the fact that there is part of her that can’t seem to let go of the guy she loves (even though she knows he never really existed)….most of all feels isolated and like no one understands, esp. amongst her peers. I am finding this website so helpful but am reluctant to send her here because I think she needs to not dwell on this whole thing too much, and she seems so much better when she is focused on other things. She has so much to do during this her senior year of high school, she is such a cool and amazing kid, I want her looking ahead instead of backward …. 🙂 Thank you for listening! ~MamaBear
Sorry for the weird “worthword” login info. WordPress made me log in with an old blog I haven’t used in years for some reason … I think I have it figured out now how to log in as “MamaBear”. 🙂
@MamaBear,
Welcome! You will find that we are all so supportive of each other! This is the one place that I feel I can speak what I feel. I’m sorry your daughter had to endure that as such a young age. I can say this from experience, I just didn’t want to see those red flashing neon signs, I chose to look the other way. It just about caused me to lose it!! I have every reason to fear him because he could off me so easy!! I am paranoid that I will see him out with his new gf. I’m sure all my friends new he was messing around on me but just didn’t want to say so. You hang in there MamaBear, your daughter needs your love and support!
Nessa
Thank you Nessa! Sometimes I feel almost embarrassed at all the red flags we too saw in my daughter’s relationship, it’s crazy. I guess she too would say she just didn’t want to see the warning signs because she was so SO infatuated with this guy. And we have a very open relationship with our daughter, so what she knew, she told us, so we all knew the bad stuff about this guy up front. And get this, her peers at her high school came out of the woodwork to tell her what a bad guy he was and how she shouldn’t date him. This is where our spiritual beliefs bit us in the butt a little, because we believe in redemption and grace, and this guy said he had changed, that was the “old” him. *SIGH* But I honestly don’t know we could have done any differently. And even as I shake my head about our naivete, I also see how God protected my daughter and got her out of this relationship before it could have gotten so much worse. Really the one thing that still kinda gives me some measure of peace is the way he broke up with her — he told her that “God told him” to do it, because she was a “distraction” from the great things God had for him to do. Well we knew this was BS frankly, and we even told him so — at that point I believe that HE believed that God had told him that (I now understand he never believed it and was completely lying to everyone), so I figured, what can you say. It was a friend who told me something so very profound — he said that perhaps God HAD told him to break up with her — in order to rescue her from him. I honestly believe this is the case, because the more I have read about sociopathy, the more I realize how unusual it is for someone like this to let someone go as easily as he let go of my daughter. In part this may be because this guy is still so young, and he doesn’t quite have his game completely honed to its highest skill level but I like to think God had a hand in it too. 🙂
They don’t say “God moves in mysterious ways” for nothing. It’s great your daughter has your staunch support also. I suspect dealing with someone like this is in fact spiritual warfare.
I have lost my voice (literally). I’ve had laryngitis since I initiated no contact with him over a week ago. I have seen him since, but this has still not lifted. Very very unusual for me—especially since I don’t have other symptoms other than I just generally don’t feel well.
He has said the problem he has with me is my mouth (backtalk). What this really amounts to is a lack of compliance/acceptance for whatever he wants me to do or think. I have a music degree and am a singer so this is a very serious occurence for me. I do something else professionally now, but I still need my voice, obviously.
thanks. i really need it. i want him to come back but I can’t take him back. I love him but I don’t like him. I am going BONKERS every night alone now he is with her. whatever. my sex is off the chain… that’s why he need pics of me on his cell phone before he went to her place (new revelation this week). but see she’s young and pretty… the trophy. he is more concerned with how he looks than how he feels. I pity him for that.
@MamaBear,
Wow it’s a blessing that your daughter got away from him! I wonder if he is Bipolar or schizophrenic? Since God told him to do it….that usually equates to possibly hearing voices. I hope your daughter doesn’t think all men are like that, because they aren’t. Thank goodness she has a wonderful, loving mamma to rely on!
Nessa
Thanks Nessa. Interesting you should say that — he told my daughter he has a half-brother who is schizophrenic. His family situation, if what he told her is accurate, is pretty bizarre — the half-brother who is schizophrenic, another half-brother who died from leukemia as a young child, and a full brother a couple years older, who according to my daughter, came across to her as very “strange” — and my daughter works regularly with special needs kids — they are her passion and what she plans to major in, plus her brother/my son is on the autism spectrum — so she’s usually very accepting of and enjoys people who seem “different” but the older brother was so weird he kinda freaked her out, and that was before she broke up with the boyfriend!. In addition he told her that his mother almost divorced his dad during a time when his dad was ill almost to the point of death (the father is diabetic) and that was why he got into drugs/alcohol as a preteen/young teen … this came out because when my daughter first began dating him, he told her he was in counseling … which he was paying for himself. Of course this seemed so impressive and so mature to her at the time, like he was pro-actively taking care of himself to be healthy, because he told her he was doing it to deal with his “family issues.” In retrospect we wonder if the counseling was a requirement after his near-brush with the law over the sexual contact with the underage girl last fall … GAH I still can’t believe how little we really knew and understood about this guy …. and he was alone with our daughter, we let him take her out! When I read sociopaths like to have a sob story that makes people feel sorry for them, plus gives them a reason to blame others (anyone but themselves) for their problems … I began to wonder about all his stories. I really find it hard to believe anything he told her now. Guess we will never know because I hope none of us ever have any contact with him again!
Walk away.
Turn you back and walk away from things that negatively affect the quality of your life today.
Look to the future, unload what doesn’t work anymore, and move on without regret.
‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ ~Eleanor Roosevelt.
I recently parted from sociopath last straw is when I told him it was over he went to my mum and told her he loved me and I was wrong to finish with him . he told her all the stuff we talked about secret stuff even convinced her I was the crazy one he was the victim. still did not want him back so he went to the police after I asked him to repay some money he owed me. he had left some things at my house and after finding his new victim he must of realised I still had them. I told him I had returned them to his flat and left them outside( I threw them away as I knew this would be the only way I would not contact him again his temper and anger would make sure of that if he knew what I had done.Police felt sorry for him and talked to me as if I was a bunny boiler they came to my house when I was a t work and my son had told them my soc ex had given them to him as a gift but they persuaded my son to give them back with “consent” as they later told me so they could diffuse the situation . he just had to get the last knife in the back for me. this has angered me more than leaving him as the police refererred to him being the victim. finding it hard to sleep I know what he is know just felt pity for him I am a compassionate person helped him find a flat after he staked out in my shed in the garden whne he was homeless we weren’t even together but I still felt sorry for him. furnished his flat he was sleeping on the floor no one else helped him fed him sorted his life out basically. he found new girl 2 days after professing his love for me took her to his newly furnished flat and told her he was just out of a relationship with a bad woman. me! he would of never of been able to take a woman to that pit if hadn’t of helped him but I guess that was his goal. just take to take purely manipulated stuff from me still had furniture from my late father which he refuses to return ( feel bad as my father tried to warn me of his cheating but I just took at his was interering.!!!! regret I didn’t listen the relationship his in now is with my siters best friend , me and my sister fell out so this is another dig at me. feel everyones laughing at me to them they think I lost a good man and I must of been stupid but only I know the truth but he’s convincing overyone that I;m tha bad one who’s gonna believe I would do all them things for a man so he can lie and say he done it all himself. I feel embarrassed that this parasite took advnantage and revels in the glory like he made it happen. first thing I heard is oh he has a lovely flat all done my me painting decorating furnsishing. I let go but angry at myself. was lonelyintorovert so this soc had a good victim. how do these feelings go away got a six month wait for therapy. put my kids through hell to stay with this guy when even they could see what a liar and cheat he was. feeling bad and depressed but I cant change the past how do I make it right with my kids how do I apologise for the hurt I caused them for not protecting them too!!!!
I recently parted from sociopath last straw is when I told him it was over he went to my mum and told her he loved me and I was wrong to finish with him . he told her all the stuff we talked about secret stuff even convinced her I was the crazy one he was the victim. still did not want him back so he went to the police after I asked him to repay some money he owed me. he had left some things at my house and after finding his new victim he must of realised I still had them. I told him I had returned them to his flat and left them outside( I threw them away as I knew this would be the only way I would not contact him again his temper and anger would make sure of that if he knew what I had done.Police felt sorry for him and talked to me as if I was a bunny boiler they came to my house when I was a t work and my son had told them my soc ex had given them to him as a gift but they persuaded my son to give them back with “consent” as they later told me so they could diffuse the situation . he just had to get the last knife in the back for me. this has angered me more than leaving him as the police refererred to him being the victim. finding it hard to sleep I know what he is know just felt pity for him I am a compassionate person helped him find a flat after he staked out in my shed in the garden whne he was homeless we weren’t even together but I still felt sorry for him. furnished his flat he was sleeping on the floor no one else helped him fed him sorted his life out basically. he found new girl 2 days after professing his love for me took her to his newly furnished flat and told her he was just out of a relationship with a bad woman. me! he would of never of been able to take a woman to that pit if hadn’t of helped him but I guess that was his goal. just take to take purely manipulated stuff from me still had furniture from my late father which he refuses to return ( feel bad as my father tried to warn me of his cheating but I just took at his was interering.!!!! regret I didn’t listen the relationship his in now is with my siters best friend , me and my sister fell out so this is another dig at me. feel everyones laughing at me to them they think I lost a good man and I must of been stupid but only I know the truth but he’s convincing overyone that I;m tha bad one who’s gonna believe I would do all them things for a man so he can lie and say he done it all himself. I feel embarrassed that this parasite took advnantage and revels in the glory like he made it happen. first thing I heard is oh he has a lovely flat all done my me painting decorating furnsishing. I let go but angry at myself. was lonelyintorovert so this soc had a good victim. how do these feelings go away got a six month wait for therapy. put my kids through hell to stay with this guy when even they could see what a liar and cheat he was. feeling bad and depressed but I cant change the past how do I make it right with my kids how do I apologise for the hurt I caused them for not protecting them too!!!!
I recently parted from sociopath last straw is when I told him it was over he went to my mum and told her he loved me and I was wrong to finish with him . he told her all the stuff we talked about secret stuff even convinced her I was the crazy one he was the victim. still did not want him back so he went to the police after I asked him to repay some money he owed me. he had left some things at my house and after finding his new victim he must of realised I still had them. I told him I had returned them to his flat and left them outside( I threw them away as I knew this would be the only way I would not contact him again his temper and anger would make sure of that if he knew what I had done) . he called the Police on me and they fsided with him . male ego I guess and talked down to me as if I was a bunny boiler they came to my house when I was a t work and my son had told them my soc ex had given the items to him as a gift but they persuaded my son to give them back with “consent” as they later told me. so they could diffuse the situation . he was threatening suicide with all that i had put him through !!! he just had to get the last knife in the back for me. this has angered me more than leaving him as the police refererred to him being the victim. finding it hard to sleep. I know what he is now. but i just felt pity for him. tears and woe is me was his favourite mask. I am a compassionate person helped him find a flat after he staked out in my shed in the garden when he was homeless we weren’t even together but I still felt sorry for him. furnished his flat he was sleeping on the floor no one else helped him fed him sorted his life out basically. he found new girl 2 days after professing his love for me took her to his newly furnished flat and told her he was just out of a relationship with a bad woman. me! he would of never of been able to take a woman to that pit if hadn’t of helped him but I guess that was his goal. he was just take to take. purely manipulated stuff from me, still has furniture from my late father which he refuses to return. police told me and informed him that I would have to go to court to get my stuff back!!! ( feel bad as my father tried to warn me of his cheating but I just took at his was interfering.!!!! regret I didn’t listen the relationship his in now is with my sisters best friend , me and my sister fell out so this is another dig at me. feel everyone’s laughing at me. to them – they think I threw away a good man his charm fooled even professionals . early in the “relationship” he gave me a std. even convinced the health worker to book me an appointment to see gynaecologist to have baby with him as that was why he had cheated, cos I would’nt give him a child. he convinced her his love for me was real , his tears fooled her too. didn’t have baby by him. my head was not totally in the clouds he could;nt look after himself so now way could he care for baby. I must of been stupid but only I know the truth. but he’s real good at convincing everyone that I’m that bad one who’s gonna believe I would do all them things for a man and allow this sort of behaviour why would any woman stay with a man as bad as that. he can lie and say he did everything for himself. I feel embarrassed that this parasite took advantage and revels in the glory like he made it happen. first thing I heard about him was “oh he has a lovely flat” all done my me painting decorating furnsishing!!!!!!!. I let go but angry at myself. was lonely/introvert. so it was easy to isolate me. so this soc had a good victim. how do these feelings go away got a six month wait for therapy. put my kids through hell to stay with this guy when even they could see what a liar and cheat he was. feeling bad and depressed but I cant change the past how do I make it right with my kids how do I apologise for the .hurt I caused them for not protecting them too!!!! I live in a small town and feel everyones talking about me as being crazy. he smoked a lot of dope and mixed with all the crazies in town who think the same and are the same as him parasites I walk away many times because of this but always he say he left them people behind never did though always at one of his “new friends houses he never kept friends for long guess they tired of this sponger quicker than me.!!! I try to hold my head high but just wish i’d never met him.haven’t seen him about town. but hate seeing people he knows as I know he’s been telling lies about me . I always get a look from them of disgust that I could treat this man so bad. I know they way he has portrayed me guess his holed up with his new love suffocating her with his intense love just feeding off her and sponging her money on food and drink .to have cosy nights in.. his got another free ride literally. always said he wanted his “woman to drive him around. this way he won’t bump into all those other women who he owes money to or caught him out in his lies. he’s just like a snake he can stay under that rock of a new young girl and feed and ruin her life. gut instinct should of got me out of there sooner than it did, but he chose his prey wisely. fed and fed until there was nothing left. but i’m down but not beaten . dreams are only dreams with that type of guy and reality has to surface and freedom is like a breath air. but the destruction along the way has a long way to heal and rebuild.. here helps to now i’m not crazy but who do you speak to . family and friends would never understand as I was never a pushover but this guy did a good job on me. will trust in time
Dating a Sociopath 
@cecilybecily, i hear you & your singing my song. Good luck & have a great life:)
Love & Peace
PR xxx
Awesome and thanks, one day at a time! 🙂
PR, Thanks! I can’t speak for Abs and FS but I know for me, I mostly vent my thoughts out here. I have been NC with him and it’s been quite amusing watching him squirm for a change looking for me wondering what I’m up to. I’ve been meeting new friends and talking to new people. That’s probably good since we apparently can’t come here and vent amongst ourselves without getting beat up. HA, but then I guess some people who post are those roaming Soc’s that you mentioned earlier. Makes sense, I believe the one I got here even stated she related better to my Soc…who is actually my P..but basically the same thing.
For me, it’s been helpful hearing stories like Abs and FS’s because we seem to be in the same spot on our journey and our situations are similar, like most are, but we are in the same healing phase. You have been very helpful in letting us know what Soc’s are all about. So has Pos. I would have settled for him being bipolar had I not come to this site.
Granted, I may be doing ok with the NC, but that doesn’t mean when I wake up tomorrow I won’t feel a little pain of missing him – why? Because I’m human and my feelings for him were real..does that make me a crazed Addict? I don’t think so. It makes me human because I don’t turn my emotions off in 3-4 weeks. Who does? My dad died a year ago. Do I miss him? yes. Does that make me a crazed Addict? I don’t think so. My dog also died a year and a half ago. Did I think about him today? Yes. Am I a crazed Addict for that? I don’t think so.
It’s just funny because my point today has been, I have been working on myself the past 4 weeks, and I’ve come along way. So what if I had one revenge moment last weekend. I’ve even read in some of your posts how you originally went off on a revenge mission and lived this life with him for 10 years. Mine has been for only 3 years, but also in the midst of all my family drama I told you about. But was it pointed out that YOU are a crazed addict? No..only me….anyway, for what that’s worth to the one who will read this and know. I think I’m a better person than they are because I’m capable of communicating my feelings openly to a few people sharing the same experience. You are farther down the road than Abs, FS or myself, and you get us. You don’t condemn or degrade or insult. You and Pos both say things with compassion and I’ve never once seen either of you label anybody.
Thanks to both of you for all you do! It means a lot to many of us.
Aw…im just catching up on my reading. I don’t think anyone meant to insult you. Ill be honest with you, I love this site and love the amount of support that is shared and given but sometimes we need someone to kinda snap some sense into us. And like text messaging we sometimes misinterpret the tone of the message. You know what I mean. Bottom line…unless we change our bad habits we won’t get any better..I probably haven’t given you the best advice since I am not in the best place emotionally but many on here are in a better place to share what they know and just want to help us. Sometimes I feel bad complaining or sharing what went on in my head or say or even my experiences with my sociopath on here but sometimes I just need to get it out and I’m not going to lie I worry somebody might say something mean but they haven’t…it’s always words of support and encouragement. Read the comment again and you’ll see the intentions of that person were in the right place…
It’s ok Abs. I’ll prob just go away and not come back after this. U take care of urself. I wish u well.
I hope you don’t..I posted my email to gaslighted earlier. Please email me if you ever want to vent about anything. Ok? I’m here for you if you need someone.
Hey Judah,
Don’t leave the site as you are here for a reason & that is for information, sharing & support
& we care about you 🙂
You are right we are at different stages & I did my fair share of purging here (just ask Pos )
& I have sought revenge but, ultimately I have found personally that the revenge just made me look nutso as the Soc is detached & no-one has ever heard the truth from him. My truth & his are polar opposites.
He sat back & acted like the victim whilst I raged etc…at the end of the day no-one can win against the Soc as they never emotionally connect to anyone or anything 😦 & really don’t give a damn 😦
We however are human & your reaction & mine is normal for us & our lives to this point can dictate a certain type of reaction also.
I do not know your real journey nor do I judge but, what I do know of you is that you have been betrayed by someone you love & will deal with this in your own time 🙂
I hope you stay & if you feel someone here is not helping then don’t reply.
(I don’t think Jusagurl is a Soc but, obviously has offended you so, don’t interact as it does neither of you any good)
I really hope you are feeling better & getting some much needed sleep 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
PR thank you for posting that message! We have all been hurt by these ugly sociopaths and it affects us differently so no judgement here.
Walk away.
Turn you back and walk away from things that negatively affect the quality of your life today.
Look to the future, unload what doesn’t work anymore, and move on without regret.
‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ ~Eleanor Roosevelt.
Hi Absorb, Never feel bad about venting or sharing as we are not here to judge you, as let’s face it none of us really know each other 🙂
We do however share a bond over our experience of having been involved with a Soc & only someone that has been there done that can relate.
Still our experiences are specific to us as individuals & our personal life journeys are vastly different as are our colour, denomination, etc….
Our bond is over the Soc encounter & it’s good to know we are not alone because it’s a terribly isolating experience 😦
It is like death & everyone else keeps moving & you get stuck for awhile until slowly you start to live on with the experience.
You will move through it or around it but, you won’t get over it but, you will learn to live with it & I mean really live 🙂
Give yourself permission to start living, with & without the Soc….whatever you decide it’s your choice.
I know you will make the right one for yourself, just be patient & nurture your heart…its’ a good heart & worth healing…Just as you are worth it 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxox
Ok I am sad today. I have an inkling maybe he isn’t a soc. Maybe he just wasn’t that into me. But other guys I have liked that didn’t stick around didn’t stay for theee years taking everything. You see when we were close last year he was really loving. All summer though he wasn’t. Not kissing me as much… and even losing the erection at times. Now that I know he was seeing another (much younger) girl all summer…no doubt with a flat tummy 😦 was he that turned off by me? Or was it guilt because he cares about her so much? Why did he bother then? I knew something was up…. I asked him repeatedly and he lied and assured me he wouldn’t do that to me. I told him he could let me go. In some ways I want him to be the soc I think he might be but he seems to have so much kindness for others and caring. Just not me. He threw me completely under the bus this weekend. And could care less what I’m feeling. In some ways I want him to not be a soc so I have the chance he will come back and be worthy. I am hurting today. I want him. No contact since yesterday and that was ‘leave me the fuck alone’ (I never call or text much anytime and am so mad at his lies I have no intention of it…he always comes back to me!!!) I thought it was love that brought him back. It isn’t. He loves her. He was just using me. Shes in her twenties and all gaga for him. I’ve lost. Three years and so much fun (and shittyness) but I’ve lost. Ouch.
You sound JUST like I did last year. When I found that my spath had an OW and the way he talked to her (told her he was “madly” in love with her, she meant everything, etc) I took it SOOO hard. (Keep-in-mind this was before I knew he was a sociopath). He was telling her all the things I so desperately wanted to hear from him. I came to the gut wrenching conclusion that I was his ass (sex), she was his heart. And not-to-be-mean, but I really don’t think she was all that pretty (skinny yes). And she told me how he would stare at her and tell her how beautiful she was (predator stare that he NEVER did to me).
For about a week and a half, I was dealing with the realization that 1. Not only was he cheating on me for pretty much our entire relationship, but 2. he was in love with this OW. It crushed me. Here I was in love with him, wasting my time loving him, trying to win his love….and yes, he acted like he loved me too. He was so affectionate, seemed genuinely concerned most of the time. I too, asked him several times if there was someone else. This asshole would make me look him in the eyes and say, “No baby, there’s only you”. He could have just let me go too, and I often wish he had. It would have been painful, yes, but not as painful as it turned out.
Then….not even two weeks after I exposed him to the OW, he totally discarded HER (his heart) and got with someone else, flaunting it all on Facebook. That told me, he never cared about her either. It was all just fun and game for him. So your spath DOES NOT care about the young girl. She’s just another source of supply for him, and nothing more.
I understand you wanting what you had with him, while it was good back. Sometimes I miss who I thought my spath was so much. I want that again, but this time I want it for real. It’s a bitter pill to swallow when you realize it was all a sham. It’s amazing how well they can fake feelings for you and it’s so convincing because they can be so affectionate, and caring towards you. But you have to face the fact that you were just a source for him and nothing more.
It’s hard, I know…..
So please, DELETE his number so you will not be tempted to call or text him again. And YOU DID NOT LOSE!!! I know you feel that way now (I did too), but you didn’t! Be proud of yourself for finding this information now!!! I know it’s hard, but put one foot in front of the other and work on yourself. Go see a therapist to help you. Learn to love yourself again…..you deserve it!!! I’m doing better, but I have my days too and it’s been a whole year since all this happened. I didn’t figure out he was a sociopath until about 6-7 months after it ended, but now I know it actually is helping me. Hang in there!!!!
Ladies, I am so happy I found this blog to vent as well! I think about him all the time….I’m scared to go certain places for fear i will run into him. He was the most gorgeous man i have ever been with….I was lost in the hot passion we had so my defenses were down. I would wake up at night and he would just be looking at me, stroking my hair..I would ask him why do you watch me sleep…..he told me I just like it”. I wonder what was going through his mind?.. Was he thinking, oh you stupid woman, I’m going to use and abuse you untill I get my fill, then throw you away”…..anyone have any ideas? I want to say he loved me, but I don’t think he know what that is…
Confused today!
Nessa
mine is gorgeous too. movie star looks which i used to tell him. he loved it of course. i’m in major major withdrawal right now. thank god he is in hate my guts mode or I may cave. I cried today. I don’t think I miss him… but I miss my fantasizing about our future. god that was a waste of brain matter. gutted today
FS,
Hang in there! I know how you feel, it’s like they become a toxic virus in our minds!!! What I have to keep telling myself is the person I fell in love with doesn’t exist so why am I grieving that? It’s because he played my emotions! So I can look at it like this, when I find the true man I’m to be with, he will still be that hollow,lying dirt bag he always was…..and that will not ever ever change. So joke is on him, he missed out!
Nessa my counselor told me the other day that Soc’s can feel a little. They can have that attraction to where he’s staring at u while UR asleep but the emotions are shallow. They can’t love unconditional or very deeply. It’s all about what they have to gain. He was probably enjoying the fact that u were asleep beside him at that very moment. Then again I guess what he had to gain was he was there wu and not out in the street w nobody. Mine seemed to always say “awwww. You do love me.” Like he doubted? Seriously?
Judahbug,
I want to think that he loved me….we found each other again after 15 yrs, and it was so passionate and loving….that’s what I miss…what hurts is knowing he’s sharing that right now with someone else…it hurts..
ROFL. spoken like a true sociopath Jusa. Go to hell. Nobody needs UR opinions. And I don’t really care what u think. I have a life and UR not part if it. U make me laugh. I won’t reply to UR stupidity anymore bc it’s obvious UR the sick loser.
Hey judahbug.. being a third party reader her orig post did sound nice… sometimes the written words get lost withoit verbal inflection. I don’t blame you for lashing out though. . I have done so with real friends when faced with crap I’m not ready to hear. My advice aside from that (and remember we are all in the same boat) is to not let those people who hurt you have one more day. They are off living their lives and we are allowing them to still control ours. I’ve been in therapy for years being bipolar and all.. everyone needa therapy at some point. Its not an insult. We have almost literally been driven crazy. Fight back with me. But I promise I’m fairly certain that person meant no harm she sounded empathetic and you are in a lot of pain. And for that person… (do t recall name) misunderstandings happen. We are all in post traumatic stress everyone…ets not turn on each other please!!
Well said FS 🙂
Probably best if these guys have the no contact rule.
Yes FS our Soc experience leaves a lot of toxins that we all work through & need to respect each other & our individual journey 🙂
Take care everyone as we are here to help, support & heal not judge or damage.
You’ve all done so well & it’s a hard road 😦
Respect each other & their journey as no malice was intended, it just got out of hand.
Love & Light to all 🙂
PR xoxox
Hi FS,
Go back & read the traits & write down the ones he fits etc….your still going through the trauma of a broken relationship & discard so, you are welcome to come here & share, support & learn.
I am sorry he has made you feel so dejected as no-one deserves that 🙂
Please stay strong, do the healing on your heart etc….it’s broken but, with work & love we will all get through this & live bigger, better & brighter lives 🙂
Your not alone, regardless of Soc or not, still hurt & in pain so your always welcome here 🙂
Maybe change your feeling stupid to feeling better 🙂
PR xoxox
Her first post maybe. But the second and third and fourth and fifth etc?
Take care PR. I don’t need abusive people from this place jusagirl singled Me out. Bottom line. I never asked for her advice or her degrading me. I don’t care what she thinks. She can kiss my ass for all I care. She can call me new and insult me all she wants. She’s no better than I am. In fact I’m prob better bc I have the guts to stand up for myself to the creature that she is. Anyway. This site isn’t worth all the drama. I can get her kind of support from my mother if I want. Let her move on. See who she singles out next. Will it be you? Abs? FS? Or a new person coming here only to be attacked by her? If she’s so healthy why does she come here? Not to encourage. Not to support. She’s proven that. She can call me anything she wants now bc u won’t even see it. Nikki lost a reader today and I will make sure other people know not to come here for support Take care PR
Thanks Lenore. .. why is he spending so much more time with her than he did with me? I think her youth and looks are a credit to his ego.. where I am not as much (not a mess or ugly by any means). He always kept me a secret of course I started off that way he had still been living with wifey. Fack I’m the rottenmess here
I made it so so so easy for him. I am an idiot of collosal portion. I do look like an idiot. Just like he says.
PR thank you. My sociopath text me as I knew he would at 3:38am he also sent a picture of where he is staying “outdoor storage he is sharing with 3 other people no water, mice, and a possum life of luxury u caught me again) his purpose was to make me feel bad and forget the fact that he lied and has blown me off yet again. Then he wrote”stick with your instincts ur doing a fabulous job” lol, I think that was a compliment.
The picture was taken during the day (I could tell by the light coming into the place) but he sent it at 3:38am. Obviously a calculated move, he is beyond predictable. I’m sharing that so anyone new to the site can see that these guys always have a purpose in how they do things (i think, mine does)He waited 24hours to respond then sent it at 338am most likely hoping to wake me up from my sleep to engage in another round of text message mayhem that would lead to yet another 24hours or longer of silent treatment, which always results in hours of thinking of him, confused, sad, mad an on an on.
I happy to report that it almost 7 hours since I got his 2 texts and have not responded. I saw his text and went right back to sleep. Yay!
I’m keeping busy. And choosing to get my life back. I read through some of the comments on other stories that a few girls are back with their socios, I felt genuinly happy for them because their energy is so happy and hopeful and for a moment I let myself forget that they’re walking back into a lions den….
That is hysterical. My soc was so in a hurry to move out of his house (he had moved back inwith old old gf lol) and screw the young onehe had nowhere to go so he’s been staying in a camper lmao. He lied the whole summer that he hadnt moved out at all and here he is in a camper with this girl. Unreal. I hope there was some part of him embarrassed to tell me that. Unfortunately I think he may just be very smitten with her. It is the second time he has left me for her (not one for shopping around) I just don’t know why he continues to cheat on her with me if he loves her so much. Puzzling.
They are calculated people Abs. Mine did all sorta of timed things. Even now he pervs my profile every morn and night. Why? He told me to go away? I figure he wants me to still try to beg or something. But I haven’t. Makes me feel good knowing he’s stuck at home or work tho. He’s certainly not out w someone if he’s always online looking at me! But u know what I thought if today? I’m the one with the MBA. I’m the one with the house and the pool and the big screen TV we bought. I’m the one who makes 3 times the salary he does. I have accomplishments in life and he has ??? A rat hole apartment that I know he hates bc he’s so OCD. So I figure Mr calculation totally miscalculated this time and he knows it. Good bc other people wanna go out w me. I’m just not in a place to date yet.
It’s not you. I’m 37 and have a 6yr old so my belly isn’t so flat so I try to wear clothes that will flatter my body. And don’t blame yourself if he can’t get hard, he could’ve done that on purpose to make you feel bad and to get you thinking , which you did. I would’ve had the same questions you asked. I’ve also wondered what if he isnt a sociopath everyone else loves him and he is so helpful…everyone else is blinded by him still. You started asking questions, you started pushing for answers. They haven’t yet and maybe they won’t because he wasn’t in a intimate relationship with them like you were. Well at least in my case that’s what I think. He had a major falling out with a friend he knew for 10years.he had been staying with a friend and the friend finally told him he had to move and I can go on and on with the madness and shit that went on in the last 6months before the sheriff came and took him out of the apt. I’m babbling but do you kinda get what I’m saying? Don’t blame yourself. Stay busy. My ext text me at 338am after 24hrs of the silent treatment. I saw it and went back to sleep and I haven’t responded. I won’t lie it feel kinda good knowing that I’m in the drivers seat right now. Mine used me lied excluded me from his life and I suffered through it since we broke up last year in may. If he comes back nothing will be better. It’s always the same shit. Choose yourself. And FYI there is nothing sexier than a woman who is confident with her own body. Be strong.
he is mad at me. he says he hates my guts I outed him (his relationship with me was a secret). he will have no contact with me… it could be months. it will come around again I’m sure. but I’ll be over it by then thank God. Anyway yes I have been dieting and exercising through this turmoil and looking better than I have in years. Have been dressing to the nines everyday for work. I’m dying inside (tummy clenched for three days now ouch) but you would never ever know it by my appearance. I refuse to be affected.. (well… you know) I’m not going to lie in bed and cover up. I may be stronger than I think. thanks for kind words. have to get it in my head he will never ever love me. that thought still kills me.
Well done you for focusing on you. Doing what you need to do to make yourself feel (slightly) better – even if only on the outside. They do have a kind of ‘love’ but it is more ownership and possession rather than actual love (all about them and their needs) never putting your needs first 😦
I meant I liked his anger better than his indifference.lol And yes they love while they are getting what they want… quite possibly moment to moment. He likes this girl but when he wanted great woman sex he came to me… her feelings be damned. Overall she is giving him more good feelings now and he has more good feelings for her… love or not. (I think not). Poor girl is probably fantasizing marriage and babies. I know it is not in his plans, in fact I know he has no plans for the future, he is just enjoying his present as always. In the event she continues to make him look good he will def marry her and have babies but only because he gets caught up with her and is deathly afraid of ‘looking bad’ (which is why he is so mad at me). He is VERY preoccupied with the opinions of others. NO ONE can believe his dark side… they do all think I’m nuts frustrating… good thing is I don’t care. Does this preoccupation with societal opinions mean he isn’t a sociopath??
Hey PR, Abs, FS, et all. My ex and I had a song and I heard it tonight. Made me cry a little bc it meant so much back when i thought he was human and real. But listening to it now it only shows me what love is SUPPOSED to be like and how he’s not like the words of the song. I thought I’d share it bc it definitely gives a frame of reference for us to know what love SHOULD BE LIKE and they are not like this.
http://touch.dailymotion.com/video/xki1ld_steve-holy-love-don-t-run_music
at least when he texts I get a thrill knowing he is thinking of me. but I feel the same away about the power I have now that I have the knowledge. I was on edge all summer… I knew something was up he was hiding something. I can’t believe how sincere he was everytime I questioned him. now I know and he is so mad he doesn’t have that power anymore. I’m also getting a thrill off the anger he has too…. I’ve ruffled him. Anger is better than indifference right? oh god I am sick too 😦
No one day you will get to indifference. Indifference is healed – anger is still in the grieving and healing process. Which is normal and healthy. You have to go through it to finally get to the indifference stage of acceptance.
Speaking of getting hard. Mine had an ED problem and needed medication. That added to his mental image of himself. But anytime he felt degraded he would turn it around on me.
I began writing my story and ended up writing 22 pages in word! Should I post here?
Yes that’s fine if you like. I know that there are some long stories on here. It really is up to you ?
ok here’ goes!
Getting Away from a Sociopath
There are so many different situations and many are so subtle, that they were so easy to let slide, forgive, or that made me unsure of my own morals and ethics. So, I started with listing all of the traits of a sociopath and then filled in the specific examples. I still wonder if he is really a sociopath, or if he is just a tattered soul who was hurt by his parent’s divorce. The separation from his mother every other week thereafter. Or is he embarrassed that he could not or did not help his sister when their father verbally abused her and he did nothing. Is it a mask to conceal the pain? Who’s the jester behind the mask?
I totally understand that I have a passive attitude in this relationship. Yes, I was abused as a child, was taken away from my family once and separated from my baby half-brother.
Here is my story in a nutshell (a VERY BIG nutshell).
Growing up, I did not know my real father. When I was 5 years old my mom sent me to Poland for over 6 months. When I returned my mom had re-married to an alcoholic Polak. I use the harsh term polak because he is the typical uneducated man, raised on a farm in Poland, drunk, abusive, and a disgrace to the polish community. He is the epitome of the term “dumb polak.” And trust me, most polish people I know are not dumb; on the contrary. I would never use the term otherwise.
My step-father once was so upset that I wouldn’t eat the meat he had made (I was grossed out because it was veiny veil or pork chops and couldn’t chew it anyway because I was missing teeth). He was so angry, he lifted me up out of my seat, lifted me into the air by my neck so I wasn’t touching the ground with my feet and spanked me. He then threw me back into the chair and shoved the chair into the table so hard it hit my chest and made me out of breath. My mom stood up and told him not to touch her baby like that. He proceeded to throw his beer can at her. She picked up my 8 month old half-brother and he threw a plate at her so she dropped him on the ground. I had been hiding under the table at this point and pulled my brother under with me to protect him. They proceeded to chase each other around the kitchen, one with a knife and the other protecting herself with a car seat. We ran into the bedroom and while we held the door shut with all our might while he banged and banged trying to get in, my mom called the police. Then it was quiet. He had fled.
We snuck out of the apartment and waited around the corner till the police came. As we walked back to the apartment, we saw him being led to a police car, handcuffed. He noticed us and as he walked by, blankly looked at us and said, “What did I do to you?” Sociopath, perhaps?
After going to court and being questioned and living in a battered women a children’s home for a while, she forgave him. They bought a house together and he lived with us for another 17 years. I was never sexually molested by him, and there weren’t many other abusive experiences, but there was a lot of fighting between him and my mother. He was still a drunk, of course. I remember her being annoyed with him saying to me back then that he would cause fights and then act like nothing ever happened the next day.
Although I was not sexually abused by him, he had a lot of guy friends that would act inappropriately hugging me while pressing my body flush against theirs. One would hold my hand or put his hand on my leg while driving me and my half-brother home from my grandma’s house. I started planning with my brother that when this particular man would pick us up, that my brother would yell “shot gun!” so that he would sit up front and I could sit in the back seat erroneously feeling safe from his nasty hands. Instead, he would reach into the back seat and put his hand on my knee through my torn pant leg. When I told my mom, she did nothing. He was still allowed to hang out at the house, raid our fridge, pick us up…hug me. When I finally mustered up the courage to confront him and tell him I didn’t like that he did that, he said, “It’s normal for friends to act that way.” I was trapped.
I was sent to Poland a lot growing up, and spent a huge amount of time with my great-grandmother and great-aunt as they tried to raise me to be extremely catholic. I went to church not only every Sunday, but every holiday, every 1st Friday, every birthday, every celebration, every anniversary of a relative’s death. I spent a lot of time making rosaries that we would give a way to random people. I went on 5 pilgrimages across the country singing catholic songs and praying. I was made to lay down in the figure of the cross at our destination and made to walk on my knees on the marble floor of the Jasna Gora church in Czestochowa. I spent the night in barns on the hay, on the floor in stranger’s houses, in cold nun’s convents, all with my great-aunt. I think this was all in an effort to ensure that I chose a path different from my mom.
What’s ironic is that I remember thinking how important it was for me to have my first baby near the same age as my mom had me, because I thought that would ensure that we would have a close relationship as I thought I did with my mom. I also had a very strong desire to maintain my virginity till I was married.
Unfortunately, the teenage sexual drive was enough for me to entice my boyfriend of 8 months, who also wanted to wait till marriage. We lasted another year, then he broke up with me saying that I was taking up too much time and his grades were failing. BTW, he was 20 and I was 16, and my mom drove me to spend every Saturday at his dorm.
My innocence was still important to me, but I was in a new 2 year relationship within a month. I had gone to the pool with a friend and he charmed me. He was so sweet, he gave me a rose he had picked. I went to his parent’s house where he lived and never went home. I was gone for 2 weeks when finally I agreed to meet with my mom and talk about things. We met at the Catholic school fair, and she spoke privately with my boyfriend’s mom. I went home with my boyfriend and his family and stayed there for 2 years, while I finished high school and my first year of college.
That summer I was sent to Poland and finagled my way into a new guy’s life. I had called my then still boyfriend in California and informed him that I was going to stay in Poland for 6 months for travel. He freaked and broke up with me immediately. I cried in my new man’s arms. He is the father of my oldest son.
We hitchhiked to Scotland and it was the most amazing experience I had ever had! It was so amazingly beautiful! We were crazed lovers and when we went to the hospital in Ullapool to get birth control, they informed that I was already pregnant. I was 19.
When we returned to Poland, I stayed at my great-uncle’s house with him, his wife and their 4 daughters. Eventually the secret came out, and I moved to a tiny old 1 room apartment in Warsaw, once owned by my boyfriend’s great aunt. My boyfriend spent most of his time at school, while I waited in the apartment alone. The apartment was on the fourth floor without an elevator, so grocery shopping was difficult. I didn’t have a car, so I had to walk, bus, tram, or take the metro. It was a long harsh winter.
While living in the apartment, my mom called me and informed me that after almost 20 years of no contact, my real father had called my grandparents looking for me! I was shocked to say the least.
At some point, I started teaching English, but that was too difficult because I had to travel at night using several busses and trams and walk through a forested area in the winter. It was really scary and stressful for me, so I stopped.
Luckily we had some really great friends, so I was easily accepted as pregnant.
When I was 7 months pregnant I flew back to California, while my boyfriend stayed in Poland to finish his practicum. He was to fly back on May 1st, while the baby was due May 6th.
When he arrived to America for the first time and after 2 months apart, I went into labor the next night and had an amazing baby boy May 3rd. The same date as the Constitution of Poland was signed!
After 17 years, a man who had been renting a room in our house, informed my mom of my step-dad’s behavior. He had witnessed him cheating on my mom, and she FINALLY filed for divorce. This was during the same timeframe that I had my first son, finally met my father, was married and left the country for what I thought was to be for good.
As for my real father, I was told as a teenager, once I started asking questions, that my mom had been date raped by him at 17, hence my presence on this planet. Of course, that made me feel unwanted, though I idolized my mom and thought at the time that she was the smartest person I had ever known.
When my adorable baby boy was 5 month old, I met with my father for the first time. He lives in a trailer park in Apple Valley, poor and sickly. An addict in rehab. He had contacted me to heal his spirit.
My boyfriend and I were coerced to get married in Las Vegas. It was really our idea, but where was the support and parenting on my mom’s part? Then we returned to Poland, moving all of my things and lived in an apartment north of Warsaw, in a somewhat rural/sub-urban area. Some nice homes, some farm houses.
I had thought that I would have all of my amazing friends and extended family helping me throughout this time, but I was car-less and alone. They had their own lives to live and I was on my own. I was embarrassed to visit my great-grandmother because I knew how catholic she was and didn’t want to be judged. To see anybody, or to get groceries, I had to get to the bus. To get to the bus I had to carry the stroller down the stairs as I still did not have an elevator five stories up. I had to push the stroller across a muddy field, cross the dangerous highway, dodging speeding vehicles, walk what seemed like a mile between farm houses and threatening dogs, finally near the bus stop. It took 3 buses and an hour to get to the city.
I was alone most of the time as my husband was either at school, visiting with friends or at band practice. When he was home, we would fight to the point that our neighbors hated us. He would sleep on the floor in the kitchen saying that his shoulders hurt in the bed with me.
Eventually, I returned to America and we divorced. I asked him to move to America so that our son would have him in his life. He refused saying that he could never live in America.
Our son in 13 years old now, and only sees his father during summer vacation. His father has graduated with a Master’s Degree and co-owns for successful bars/nightclubs in Poland and has a following of guys and girls that adore him. He truly is handsome, fun and charismatic! Possibly bisexual. As I write this, I know am questioning, is he also a Sociopath?
I was determined to have a balanced great life and was more immature than I had seemed when I was young. I would spend time with my son but was depressed and angry. I was attending college and was stressed and alone. I had moved back into my mom’s house and we agreed I could live there till I finished school. I would put my son to bed at night and go out with my girlfriends Thursday –Saturday. Clearly I was probably hung over most of the time.
But my goal was to come out of the pain and suffering and become the best mom I could be. I enrolled in countless child development courses. I was undecided for 2 years, but as I was nearing the final stages before earning my Associates degree, I had to decide on the next step. I knew it was important to continue my education so my son could one day be proud to say I was his mom. I knew I needed to choose something that would allow me to help people and would still allow me to be a present mother.
As I walked across campus, I noticed a bright yellow flyer posted on a billboard. It listed the top indispensable occupations that also paid well and had a high rate of need. I finally chose my major, which is a combination of all of my passions which include art, language and helping people especially people with disabilities. I decided to become a Speech and Language Pathologist.
In 2008, I was introduced to movie and book, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It teaches the concepts of manifestation and abundance. I learned for the first time about self-love.
Since then, I have been on a journey toward finding out my purpose and striving to become the best person I can be in every way.
In 2009, my best friend went to a 2-day seminar that I could not afford to go to, about the difference between men and women and how to behave so as to get proposed to within a year. After the seminar, she invited a couple of our friends and me to listen to what she had learned. Over 2 days she presented everything that she had learned, complete with copies of printouts and activities.
In short, we learned that masculine men like to be the hero and want a feminine woman who respects and appreciate them. In comparison, women need to be feminine and should be cherished by her man. This creates balance and happiness. I thought, I can do that!
Enter My Sociopath.
I had met him a year earlier at a restaurant I was bartending at. I was instantly attracted, but he had a girlfriend “Jenny” at the time. This time, he was single. Everything I did worked. He felt as if he was my hero, because he did so many things to help me I met him, and all of a sudden I had a man who was totally in love with me (because I was so feminine and respectful)! He moved in almost immediately, fixed our falling down fence and many other things around the house that my now free loading half-brother who still lives at home wouldn’t touch. He seemed to get my brother to actually get up and help out a little bit! It was like magic. They quickly became friends, and my mom thought he was nice, handsome and funny. I thought he was the perfect guy! So when the “little uglies” started coming out, I let them slide, because he had been so helpful and did everything I needed.
Little did I know that it was the perfect setup for a sociopath. Yes, I respected him, but did he cherish my feelings? The balance I was desperately searching for was not there.
The following examples are just off the top of my head and there are many more I could add:
Charismatic
-Very funny
-Very outgoing
-“Tall, Dark and Handsome”
-Pretends and is overly nice to elderly people, which may seem good, but it’s obvious to me that it isn’t sincere.
Boredom/Overactive
-Cannot sit through a movie
-Does not like movies, I thought because of ADD
Thrill Seeking
-Snowboarding without worry of hurting himself and did pretty badly a couple of times
-Started a fight with people at field party in Michigan
-Stealing
Followers
-His father is very “in to him” and seems to overlook his mean demeanor. He calls him a lot to maintain that “friendship” and tells him that he loves him every time they speak. Again, that sounds good, but I’m not convinced that it is real love. Rather, it is a way to keep him around so he can get what he wants, and that is his house in Michigan.
-I don’t think he has any real friends at all. When I asked if this one man is his best friend, whom he has known for about a decade, (who has daughters that spend time with his daughter when she is visiting), he laughed and couldn’t answer the question. Not even an “I guess so”. I thought that maybe “manly men” don’t say other men are their best friends.
Controlling/Jealousy
-We only ate at the restaurants he wanted to eat at.
-Would not let me go to the physical therapist for my back pain that I was finally able to go to with my insurance, saying that the therapist was obviously a pervert who just wanted to fondle my body.
-Picked me up at work for lunch, EVERY day, unless he happened to be working that day or was in Michigan.
-When going grocery shopping, he would blow through the isles, only grabbing what he wanted to buy. Anything I wanted to get was a waste of money.
-Hacked onto my Facebook and messaged random guys from my friend list, acting as if he were me and not knowing who they were. For example, he sent “Yummy” to my cousin!
-He sent messages to people who had posted pictures of them with me in them, posing as me, asking for them to remove the images, because I was embarrassed about them. There was nothing embarrassing about them.
-Saying he would never (let me) travel to any other country, even though travel has been a huge part of my life since I was a little girl. I travel to visit family almost yearly, and my older son’s father lives abroad, too. He blamed finances and said America is the only clean and safe place in the world.
-Would not let me use birth control saying that he had the perfect method down. He would tell me that birth control was bad for me. After his method failed, and we got pregnant, he told me I must have made it happen while he wasn’t looking. Then he continued to use his method and make me feel bad for wanting to use birth control.
-We had plans to move to Michigan to live in his father’s house. I loved the idea because it is really a special place and I enjoy the nature and the quiet and slowed down lifestyle compared to the Los Angeles area. It reminds me of Poland in many ways. Now that I know what a sociopath is, I see this as controlling and trying to take me from my family and isolate me in his world. He promised me I wouldn’t have to work if I didn’t want to. Of course, I loved the idea.
-Making me feel like maintaining myself by dying my hair or getting a manicure was a waste of money and unhealthy for me anyway.
-Treating me like I was a porcelain doll.
-Telling me I look good in all kinds of glasses, then telling me he doesn’t like my sunglasses, then telling me I really only look good in his sunglasses, so we would both wear the same type of sunglass style. At first I thought that was cute like the couple that is sooo in love they wear matching shirts.
-Telling his family I was weak.
-Not letting me get Lasik.
-Made me get rid of many of my old pictures because he has insecure about my past friendships.
Lack of Empathy/Remorse
-Always watched the NEWS, and only the news, which makes me uncomfortable and paranoid because I like to focus on positive things in my life.
-Not feeling sorry for homeless and just believing they are gross.
-Not caring about and having a general hatred for people from different ethnic identities.
-Not being able to empathize with people in different countries who have survived (or not survived) war, including the camps in WWII. This is especially upsetting to me because I have family who survived the war, some with devastating stories.
-Once, when a homeless man tried washing our windshield at a gas station, with the kids in the car, he told the guy to F**k-off and burned out, trying to run over the man’s foot, then telling people the story very proud of himself
-Not feeling bad for stealing.
-Laughing at and staring at a homeless woman who was overweight and clearly had some sort of neurological disorder as she was rocking and humming to herself while standing next to her grocery cart full of her things.
-Would grovel in pain when he was hurt, needing ice packs and lying in bed, but when I got hurt, he just said, “ouch”, and didn’t try to make me feel better, (gosh, I sound like a baby here, but it felt like he didn’t care that I had a massive and painful bruise and scratches on my leg after I helped him lift a boat and got hurt by a rusty metal thing sticking out of it).
-My older son has social issues as he has Asperger’s/High Functioning Autism. It presents itself in that he does not understand the intricacies of subtle communication, like nonverbal behavior, figurative language, etc. This can be very frustrating because he looks just like anybody else, so you wouldn’t be able to tell he has a disability without knowing him well. He can lose his temper because he just cannot communicate his feelings and doesn’t understand what others are trying to explain. This has caused my son to lose friends at school and cause rivalries in the neighborhood. (Luckily, now that he is older, and I have worked very hard to teach him many of the subtle cues people give, he now has a group of friends who understand him and know how to get him back on track). My sociopath expects him to “get with it” by demanding it.
-I’m not sure if this quite fits in this category, but we do a reenactment in Michigan because his father is in to it. It is really fun, in that we get to dress in clothes of the era, sleep in old fashioned tents, eat food of the time period, and so on. Both years that we have gone, he drives up, sets up the tents, spends a little time there, and then orchestrates a plan for us to sneak out so we can act like Fudgies (a funny term used for tourists, because they and buy fudge from all the shops there). He forgets that some of the good people spent time collection the items which we would need to use, since we do not have our own clothes, yet. He has a rivalry going with his father’s friend who is very into the reenactment, and says and does things that would upset anybody. It is very uncomfortable and embarrassing being his girlfriend.
Ethics
-Stealing a cup holder, keychain, wallet and other things in Big Bear and when caught, he said he did it for fun. The next time we went he did it again.
-Writing ex-girlfriend’s reports for school without telling me and without understanding of morality issue.
-Taking ex’s virginity.
-Not at all spiritual, even though I am.
-Prejudiced
-Stole a fake rose and wooden shot glass from a store in Big Bear and gave it to me as a gift.
-Brought me (fake) diamond stud earrings he said he found next to a car he valeted. I think he stole them from inside the car.
-Having very strong feelings against gays. Saying they are taking from him. Taking his tax money (not that he ever paid taxes).
Not Following Rules/Authority
-Speeding
-Ripping up his and my jury duty papers and throwing them away.
-Not paying for tickets
No Feelings (other than primal fear and anger)
-Says he loves me, but when I ask why he loves me, he says because I’m pretty and nice, that’s it.
-Fear of losing me, since I fit into what he needs at the moment (free shelter for his daughter and himself, etc.)
-Fear that he might get sick from travelling, gay people, anybody/thing
-Germ-a-phobic
-Fear that I might catch a disease from my own kids since they have, well, fathers.
Not Learning from Past Mistakes/Acting as if Nothing Happened
-stealing even though he knew I didn’t approve.
-After I told him not to scold my kids, to just let me know if there was anything happening and I would take care of it, the next morning he was hounding them already. When I confronted him, he shrugged as if he didn’t know what I was talking about.
-We would argue, he would ignore me and go to sleep while I was still upset and crying. Toward the morning, while I was still passed out asleep, he would turn over and hug me, making me feel like, he was sorry, but then repeat the same mistakes.
Lying
-Being in contact with “Jenny” behind my back and writing her reports.
-I would hear him lie about where he was or what he was doing when he was talking on the phone with friends and family, and laughing it off if the kids would question him.
-Who knows what other lies he told??
Cheating
-”Jenny”? (I was at work 5 days a week, while he was not).
-Asked me early in relationship if I ever cheated, then said he had made out with his friend’s girlfriend because she had big boobs and he wanted to play with them, saying that’s as far as he went. Then when I brought this up while his “best friend” was over, he shushed me, making me think the girl was this “best friend’s” soon to be ex-wife.
Narcissism
-“I AM God”
-His way was always the best and most “normal” way.
-In his eyes he was the best at everything: basketball, driving,
-He would always remind me of how perfect of a driver he was. He said even though other people state that they are great drivers, he is still better than they are and he really means it. And then he drives like a maniac with us in the car.
-Expects that he should be receiving money from his financially comfortable mom and step-father because they can afford to spend the money on him.
Child Abuse
-Calling my kids dumb, morons, gross, etc., etc.
-Not letting them sit on our bed saying that they would get their “juices” on the sheets or his “man juice” on them.
-Cringing when they kissed me or hugged me saying to them that that was gross because he kisses me and he doesn’t want them to get their “fish-lip” juice on him.
-Shushed my older son with his finger which cut his lip. Child reported it to school, CPS was called, we were hounded by CPS on Christmas morning, and more.
-Driving crazily with them in the car.
-Not letting his daughter grow up. He carries her like a baby and she gets what she wants when she cries like a baby.
-Plays favorites. While his daughter would throw a tantrum about taking showers, he would just carry her up and talk to her. When my son would get upset and cry about taking a shower, he would show disgust that he behaved in such a way. My son is a year younger than his daughter, so in my eyes, he should realize that maybe being upset about showers is normal for this age.
-Threatened my son once to behave shaking his new hamster’s cage and knocking it against the wall till it cracked, while my son watched crying and horrified.
-Told my son he would shove a croquet mallet up his ass if he didn’t act right, right in front of his mom and step-father.
Verbal Abuse
-Told me I was an 8 on a scale from one to 10, when I flashed him particularly feeling good about myself that day, making me feel insecure about my body. Wouldn’t you tell your girlfriend she was a 10, no matter what? BTW, I didn’t ask his opinion, I was just playfully trying to tease and arouse him while I was getting dressed for bed.
-Likes to call me a baby killer after I had an abortion because I was scared to have a life with him after all his abuse, lies and stealing.
Physical Abuse
-Raced others with me or the kids in the car (always thought people wanted to race him).
-Was so angry one morning while driving the kids and me (still pregnant) to school/work, driving crazy fast over curves and cutting people off, then going the wrong way, cutting another parent off, then causing an embarrassing scene by yelling at the guy, in front of all the other parents and teachers, as if it was the other parent who had done something wrong.
Emotional Abuse
-Would make me feel bad for having past relationships because it grossed him out to think of me with another person.
-Threatening me that after a fight that he had no choice than to stay at his ex-girlfriend’s house if I kicked him out.
Sexual Abuse (I struggle with this section because it’s so severe of an accusation)
-Constantly hinting at me performing sexual acts that would feel good for him, but crossed my boundaries and pain threshold.
-Telling me to invite my friends or other women to have a threesome with us, even though he knew I would not ever do so and that it made me upset and insecure when he said so.
-Saying things that placed me in sexual situations with his friends, which grossed me out and was totally disrespectful to me and our relationship.
Financial Abuse
-Took money from his father
-Took money from his mother and step-father for our trip to visit them with our kids, supposedly for my son, but I paid for all 3 of our tickets.
-Never paid for me for anything, ever.
-My birthday dinner was really half of my Christmas present to him.
-Christmas was a pillow and glitter sticky paper he bought for me while we were shopping at Wal-Mart (his favorite), then he wrapped them in front of me.
-Helps his father only to ensure that he will get his house when he passes away.
-Signed a contract stating that he would pay $300 a month for rent and use the funds to fix up the house. He did so once in 1 1/2 years of living with us.
-Did the minimum amount of work around the house
-Works only enough to pay for his own bills, even though he could work every day. He turns jobs down all the time.
-Only works extra when his daughter is coming to town so he can do fun things when she comes (only paying for activities for her and himself).
Separation from Friends
-Told me my friends are a bad influence
-Told me that meeting with my 2 best friends to exchange gifts around Christmas was weird and abnormal.
-I hung out with my friends maybe 5 times in almost 2 years.
-My friends no longer contact me.
-I no longer contact my friends in fear of them realizing he is this way.
Separation from Family
-Making it clear that he would not travel with me to Poland to visit my family, because it was a waste of money, thereby making it clear that I wouldn’t be going either.
-Sitting with a blank stare on the couch at a family member’s house during a big birthday party, while I mingled and helped with the music and dancing. It wasn’t a drunk fest or anything inappropriate. It was daytime and my elderly family was present.
-When my uncle clearly flippantly slapped my butt because I had said something funny, he got upset and told me that my uncle was inappropriate and gross, trying to cause a rift in the relationship.
Life Goals (none)
-B.A., supposedly only one more class till awarded. Made me feel responsible for his not pursuing this goal because I was surprised he wanted to be a journalist (because I knew, subconsciously at the time, that he didn’t care about other people).
-Wants to start a carpet cleaning business but makes it clear that he can’t until he can buy a van for it (or someone else should by the van for him). In the meantime, he barely works as a valet and limo driver, only taking several jobs a month, just enough to pay his own bills.
Addiction
-Beer and/or margaritas every day, even when I asked him to stop to save our relationship after a huge meltdown in Big Bear.
-Pot
-Coercing me to do things I would NEVER normally do.
-Lottery playing multiple times daily.
-using various prescribed or illicit pills.
-Selling the same.
-Using weak people to get their prescribed pills, by offering to take them to their doctor’s appointments. I would even tell people how nice he was to take this particular elderly man to his doctor’s appointments!
Repetition of Behaviors
-Ex-”Michaela” left him and lived with their daughter in a battered women and children’s center to get away from him. She claims he hit her. Of course he denies it, saying if anybody hit anybody, it was she who had hit him.
-Ex-”Jenny”? (I don’t know much about this story).
Abusive Behaviors
-I called him “Bulldozer”. He would walk through us/by us to get where he needed to get to, knocking us out of the way. He’s almost 6’5 by the way.
-In bed he would put his heavy arm over me, holding me tight while we slept, like a bear, but it hurt. He wouldn’t stop, even though I asked. I felt bad asking his to stop because I felt like he was just trying to hug me because he loved me.
-He would stick his butt out while turning over in bed and butt me really hard. I have been pushed out of the bed onto the floor several times this way.
Broken/Empty Promises
-Promises to change but no change.
-Promise to stop drinking and then drink a few days later.
Obsession
-Contacting his ex-”Michaela” and questioning her about her new boyfriend as if it were his business and told me about it.
-When I broke it off with him after less than a year of dating, he stood outside for hours, throwing dirt at my window, proclaiming his love for me and that he would change. Or at least give him his laptop so he could book a flight to Michigan.
Childhood
-His mom told me that already in Kindergarten they were worried about his behavior
-He had cause trouble as a kid; a delinquent. He told me that he was handcuffed several times.
-He told me he punched a girl in the face, either Junior High or High School.
-He had animals, but he made it sound like he actually did like them. Although now he doesn’t.
-Acts like a bratty, emotionally underdeveloped teenager.
This summer vacation we traveled from California to Michigan to visit his father for the 2nd year in a row. At this point I still felt that we had a chance and was looking forward to spending time with his family. We spent some time with him, traveling. Although My Sociopath’s behavior was terrible the whole time, his father did/said little to teach him differently. I still receive texts from his father trying to convince me he is a good man. In many ways he is, and had done many nice things for us and is very smart and has many interesting stories to tell. But he lives a hoarder lifestyle, his house packed with “antiques” he believes are worth a lot of money. He has always welcomed me and has offered to pay for many things I need or want. This now seems like coercion rather than help.
Unfortunately, most of the time I was upset by something My Soc had said or done to me or the boys (see list above). He had not only played favorites, but also told his daughter not to listen to anything I asked her to do, like help unpack by carrying her teddy bear, backpack and blanket from the car and into the house, as I had expected my kids to do as well. This totally undermined my authority and she was getting to the point where she was so confused she would straight ignore me and get upset by him controlling he every move.
The whole summer was filled with abusive behaviors and I think maybe due to his lack of being able to get his hands on a regular dosage of pot that he is addicted to.
When we returned from camping, I had had enough and he didn’t get why I was so upset. I told him that he is abusive to the boys and to me, and that I do not want to be in this relationship any longer. He did not see that any of his behaviors were inappropriate! The next day we were supposed to drive to Indiana to visit his mom and step-father. As they live in a nice home near a lake, are very friendly and I had so much fun the previous year, I had been excited to bring my son’s there to meet them and enjoy their time there. But, I could not imagine having to fake smile and pretend that I was happy, when I could barely keep from crying at all times. I was up till 3 in the morning looking for a way to come home that I could afford. Maybe a hotel till we leave? Maybe a flight tonight? A rental car? I Googled “How much does it cost to drive from Michigan to LA?” I couldn’t afford any of it.
The next day he promised things would be better. We packed and drove to Indiana and had a fairly ok time. I was trying to stay positive and hopeful, but seeing how he reacted to the kids just being kids, it was hard to maintain.
We made the 4 hour drive to Indiana and had a nice time with the family. I got to meet his step-siblings and their children. But the first day that we spent with his sister and her husband, you could tell she was appalled at the things he would say, so aggressive, without a filter in front of the kids and had called my son a dumbass in front of everyone. She left clearly uncomfortable.
That night, his mom approached me and asked if he always acted that way. It was the first time that I felt like someone actually sees what I see!!! I gave her a couple examples of what he says and she immediately told me that I deserve better! It felt weird that even his own mom was so uncomfortable that she had to say something to me.
That night, I told him I was embarrassed about what had happened in front of his family, and he agreed, but he thought I was referring to how my son was behaving! He completely missed that I was actually talking about how he was behaving, not my son! Yes, my son might have been out of line, but my responsibility to teach him how to act is overshadowed by how My Soc acts. Just like a child!
The next morning, I definitively told him that we are no longer in a relationship. He said fine.
He continued to act like a child. He did play and fish with the kids, but was verbally abusive to his mom in that he would not let her speak her opinion on any matter, because he would “Bulldoze” through the conversation anytime she tried to explain her point of view.
The thought of returning to Michigan for another week, then flying back to California, where his daughter would have to spend yet another week with us till she flew back to her mom, was agonizing. I could not imagine having to continue on with them! And I knew he would try to get his way back in as he had always done before. Yet, I could not think of a way out.
The night before we were to leave to go back to Michigan, I was sitting with his mom and step-father. They simply said that they are offering me and the boys the opportunity to stay with them while he and his daughter drove back to Michigan. They would find and pay for tickets for us to return without them! I immediately said, yes! So, we planned that we would confront him in the morning before we were supposed to leave to tell him the plan.
I uncomfortably slept next to him that night, after he again bumped me hard with his butt ramming into my hip. I asked him to please not do that because it hurts me.
The next morning, I packed my things and put them in the den along with the boy’s things. His mom and step-father called him and me onto the patio to sit and talk. His step-father simply stated, “This is how it’s going to be. You are going to drive back to Michigan, and they are going to stay here.” His response to me was “Really? Is that what you want?” and I said, “Yes” and he said, “Fine”. Then he shot out some comment about how they can now send me money like they do for 2 needy families in third world countries, and left to pack his and his daughter’s things.
While he packed, I was so shaken and worried about what angry stunt he might pull, pulled the boys aside and told them what was happening. My younger son, without flinching, said, “Ok.” My older son started crying, but was only upset that he wasn’t going to get the book that My Soc’s father had promised him. That’s it. No sadness about being separated from him at all.
After he had finished packing the car, and as I was speaking to the boys, he came to us. He was behind me and I couldn’t handle looking at him, so I didn’t turn around, but he asked again, “Are you sure this is what you want?” and I said, “Yes.” And then he left. He turned out of the driveway sending a wake of pebbles all across the yard and drove off wildly.
And I took a deep and painful sigh of relief.
And then began the flood of texts. He drove to Kentucky so I could think and he can come back and pick me up and will forget this ever happened and he loves me. He’s sorry and will change and just wanted to teach the boys to respect me and he loves me. That his daughter doesn’t understand what is going on and she loves me and he loves me. He texted his mom, his sister, his step-dad, threatening them and that he loves them. That his step-dad is a liar and his mom should get away with her money and he will take care of her instead and he loves her. That he needs his briefcase mailed to him so he can pay his bills and he loves us. That he doesn’t know where his daughter will sleep so please just let her stay with me and he won’t and he loves me. That he will forgive us for everything and he loves us.
These types of messages came in every hour if not more for the next few days. The boys and I spent 3 more days in Indiana. We had an amazing time finally being able to somewhat relax. As I spent time away from him, memories of the abusive moments came to me from every direction. We decided that the best thing would be to establish no contact with him.
I knew I had to find my car (he had taken it to a friend’s house whom I did not know, so it would be safe from my mom and step-brother). I had to figure out a way to take him off the title (he had cosigned for the car because my credit was non-existent; another way to control, perhaps?). I had to find a place I could afford and move out. I needed to pack his things before he returned so that I wouldn’t have to see him at my doorstep slithering his way back into my life. I planned on possibly going to a Domestic Violence Shelter, so we could be safe from him. I don’t think he would purposely harm any of us, but the coercion is dangerous. But then again, who knows? Maybe he could.
His mom told me to Google Sociopath. There he was, a perfect picture of him written as a checklist in which every sociopathic trait was ticked! Narcissist, check! Lack of Empathy, check! Childish, check! Lying, check! Controlling, check! Financial abuse, check! No remorse, check! Not knowing what he was doing was painful to others, check! Not caring, check! Repetition of the cycle, check! Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, check, check, CHECK!
Last Wednesday the boys and I flew back home. I informed my mom from the airport in Indiana that we were on our way, that we need a ride home and to please keep it secret from my half-brother so that My Soc doesn’t find out from him. She picked us up and I told her then kind of what happened. She understood and was not surprised.
I told my half-brother the next morning, as he was sleeping when we returned. I told him how important it was for him to play dumb and not let My Soc know anything, even though it might be difficult.
Since then, My Soc does/did not know where I was, if in Indiana or back home. He constantly texts, calls or emails, which I ignored each and every one. He has threatened to call my younger son’s father (yet another emotionally abusive relationship of 5 years), and 5 minutes later said he regrets the phone calls he just made, implying that he did in fact call him. He texts my half-brother and tries to find things out from him. My half-brother feels badly about lying to him and not responding because they are friends.
Most of the time he tells me that he is sorry and will do anything to have me back, which makes me feel like maybe I’m the bad guy, falsely profiling him as a sociopath. Maybe I’m the crazy one, after all, I had gone through many things that could make me into a bad person. And then I remember all the things he did to us.
I sent him one single email where I told him that he had to change about 20 specific things before I would consider even talking to him, including having a stable job, his own place, and making a steady income. Many of the items I listed were genuine changes in personality including morals and ethics, which I doubt are changeable.
With the help of my kids, I have packed all of his things from the house into a storage unit I had to pay for. Oh man, my back hurts! That is something he would have helped me do. And guess what I found among his paperwork? Pictures of him and “Jenny.” I will take the key to where his car is, so I can maintain no contact.
This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I cry every day, but each day less and less. It has been a week and a day since he left to Michigan and 6 days since the boys and I returned to California.
He and his daughter are flying back to California today on the flight that we were supposed to fly back together on. I have found some items of his that I still need to take to storage. I have just a few hours to decide what to do next.
Last night we were watching a movie in the living room. As I sat with my kids in my arms, my son said scooted nearer to me and said, “It’s been a long time since we snuggled.” I’ve been such a terrible mom.
The countdown begins as he lands in LA at 10:30 pm tonight. Do I trust that he will stay away, or should I leave my house for safety? Maybe I can stay at my grandma’s for a couple days? But then if he drives by, he’ll see my car. Staying at a friend’s is too much of a burden with kids.
I’m still trying to decide if he is or is not a sociopath. I’m not a doctor or a psychologist, but I know him better than either could. I know that many are fooled by the mask they hide behind. They mask to survive. I open up to survive. But, maybe he is just a sad man with a tough childhood that has to hide himself to protect himself. Maybe he can get fixed. But, does he want to? He says he does, but is that a lie to get what he wants? And if he does go to therapy, will he really learn or heal, or will it just be a façade?
Sociopathy is so interesting and so subtle sometimes and so sad. If he is a real sociopath, I know there is no going back and I will keep running.
OH! I JUST received a text from his father saying that he hopes I will judge him by how he was with me, rather than by what his ex-wife said about him. That he still wants to support my photography career (he was going to buy me Photoshop), that his life was enriched by my son’s and my presence, and that problems are not solved by silence (as I have been trying to establish no contact)!
Whoa.
i don’t know if it is a sociopath…but possible psychopath??? I mean my soc has rage issues but major pride and ego checks it. There are a few different forms of antisocial personality disorder and then there is just trauma. therapy is needed in any and all cases. welcome to the jungle..I sometimes wonder who is more ill us or them. lol
Thanks for the welcome, haha 🙂 As you can see I’m till trying to find answers. I thought I read that a psychopath is born that way, whereas with a sociopath it’s a learned, protective behavior. Or is it the other way around? *shrug
Either way, my boys are #1. The other thing is some say to run and others show compassion. I’m trying to run AND show compassion. Not sure if that’ll work. Till things work out, I’ll stay at arms length. I wonder what rumors he’ll spread about me. We have acquaintances that know my younger son’s dad. Kinda scary not to be able to control that situation. I’m packing for us to stay at my grandma’s tonight. He’ll be back around midnight. *shiver
You are just leaving missing? Well done you – but please also be aware that the narcissistic rage is never greater than when you go to leave. This is when you are most at risk (basically they feel that they now have nothing to lose) the game then changes from gaming – to ruining. So go careful and leave safely!! 🙂
Hey MissingMarblesFound,
(love the name, btw) I say RUN. He will never change, compassion only works with those who are capable of it themselves. Be compassionate toward yourself – save yourself and your kids. He’ll lie to you and manipulate you so that you Think he has a heart, but he doesn’t. He’s in it for himself, and it would be unfortunate if your children see this deviant behaviour as the norm.
Good luck
Thank you Dahhhhhh’ling! 🙂
It seems like I’ve run so many times in my life. I just can’t seem to get out of this black hole of a house, where bad things have been happening for such a long time. This area is sooo expensive and as a single mom of 2 boys, it seems hopeless to find a place that would give them the same type of space as we have here and safe. I feel worried that if I go to a Domestic Violence shelter, I’ll be swallowed whole. I worry my kids will be scared, as I was scared. I don’t want them to have the same story as I do. So I think for now my grandma’s will be ok. I know I keep going back and forth with that, but it’s all happening right. now. 5 more hours till he lands…
Set Fire To The Rain”
I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they’re strong
But my knees were far too weak,
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
But there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you’d say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing is better
‘Cause there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you’d say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you’d play
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!
Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we’re already over
I can’t help myself from looking for you.
[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, ohhhh!
Oh noooo
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn
Oh man Belle, that song is so amazing and totally hits the nail on the head! Ouch!
Thank you!
I know that going to a domestic violence place is scary and it is not the best situation in the world – but what I want you to know is that no matter how difficult it would be – you would be safe – and so would your children. You have space to think and to plan ahead. And you can start moving forward for your own life. This is something that you cannot do whilst still in the relationship. Try to see it as somewhere you go THROUGH and not TO!!! 🙂
Missingmarblesfound,
Girlfriend welcome to the blog…these ladies are wonderful an it has helped me just being able to vent…You need to be safe…whatever it takes! Us the law,/ police! Don’t let your guard down!! He will not ever change so make your break and start a new life…we”re here for you!!
Nessa
I’ve been perved again!! OMG. I guess I feel a little empowered by that. My mind says he must be hurting and missing me. I’m sure his mind says let me look in on my prized possession and make sure no one has her. Oh well back to teaching my dog Hannah to know the difference between her right and left paw. Yes she is learning this tonight. For real.
Awww FS you are not an idiot you are just suffering the hurt & pain of being under the spell of the most evil type of Soc 😦
It’s an emotional war & the emotional vampire has bled you dry 😦
Do not doubt how wonderful you are, you are a beautiful person & worthy of so much better.
Do not let the Soc define you….he is the ugly, putrid, crappy monster.
Good people don’t systematically destroy another but, a Soc does….not worth wasting anymore of your time…..believe in yourself, time will help & please do some of the recommended healings….rest, sleep & bit by bit you will start to recover & emerge to a brand new Fantastic You that you have always been 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxox
Thanks. I’m worried I only feel strongly for men I can’t have…. I mean you don’t think about it with a nice guy. Have to learn that its ok to not have to fight for love or prove something. I know in my heart winning the game was important to me …not just him. I’mbummed I lost lol
I know, it’s like we have to go for the badboys and boy are they bad. I’m going to make better choices in men…I am dating someone right now but I don’t feel the same as I did with my soc, I’m have a hard day today..I’m missing him
Good Girl Abs….no lions den for you bella…Stay Strong, you are worth the fight & you will get your power back 🙂
Make sure you get heaps of rest….time for you now 🙂
Love PR xoxo
Nessa,
He probably was admiring you & meant what he said but, he views you as a beautiful possession & was probably coveting you as a possession.
Mine would often just look at me & say “you really are very beautiful” just off hand so, I think he meant it but, as I said more from a possession perspective like a trophy.
Mine collected Royal Dalton ladies & had them all in a china cabinet & I think I would find one with m name if I had looked!
Trophies are what they like to gather so, you are lovely, believe that 🙂
PR xoxo
Thank you PR, I want to believe he meant it…but the passion lasted a year or so, then sex was no more…he would get pissed if I wanted to be intimate so I knew, I was easily discarded. 😦
Nessa, My Soc used to pin me down or hold my hair back & say “promise me you’ll never leave me, you are my possession & no other man will ever have you!”….it didn’t apply to his cheating though!
Kicked to the curb (lol)….PR xoxo
Mine didn’t care what I did until he wanted me around…the I was bombarded with phone calls and texts and if I failed to answer threats and doorbells. I can almost bet money on it that when he does come back (he will…six days six weeks..he will ..who knows when) he will tell me I owe him great sex for what I did. Al I did was get really upset he lied all summer about another girl…lol. but I will owe him something. I can almost guarantee he will text me that. I owe him. I’m curious how should I react…ignore? Cause I really want to punch him.
PR,
Mine would hold me down on the bed and say, don’t you ever tell me I will be alone….He claimed his dad was an abusive dad, and his mom was in and out of mental hospitals…and he always stated he didn’t want to follow the dads pathway…well one night I went to a friends house and had girl night reunion (high school) he drove me so I wouldn’t drink and drive…well when I called him to pick me up he was livid!! Said he drove by the house and saw no lights accused me of going to the bar…ect…I explained we were on here back patio which was true we just stayed there and visited…well when we got home, he called me a whore, slut, and I was blown away….so it came down to jealousy and rage…that was the night I told him if he continued to act as such, he would be just like his dad, old, decrepit and alone…so he grabbed me threw me on the bed and held his fist over me and told me to never, never ever say that to him again…Ironically, his dad was a player just as him…so the apple didn’t fall very far from the tree…
I’m a little confused, my soc was never physically abusive or seemed to be threatened by my having friends, doing things without him etc. but he did do other things like never return calls or texts unless he wanted to and controlled when we saw one another. But one strange thing is we never spent the night at one another’s houses, he seemed happy to have time apart and mentioned once that he liked his life the way it was, the last e-mail I wrote stating I thought we should be much further along after almost 5 years, spending the night and eventually living together is what caused him to break things off with me …..for the millionth time. He said he wasn’t interested in giving any more than he already had and that he wouldn’t call me again in a month (usually how long we could be apart after a disagreemnt) and want to get back together. I thought it was funny because he gave so little as it was, didn’t like to be touched and would find an excuse to get up if I leaned on him while we watched t.v.etc…quite odd. He told me he loved me in an e-mail just 3 weeks before that so it seems reasonable to me that there’d be progression of some sort. I don’t get it!!!
I have been thinking about this and other things alot the last few days and have been convicted in my thoughts and feelings about it being for the best but I do miss the companionship and have felt sick to my stomach over it since yesterday morning…..help!!!
FR,
Oh my gosh!! That’s terrible! We deserve so much better!! I’m so glad I found this site and all of you so we can vent!
Nessa
Brandy…Bravo bella, good for you & best wishes for your recovery from your Soc:)
Keep the faith, keep smiling & be happy 🙂
Love PR xoxo
Hey J’bug 🙂
So glad your still here 🙂 🙂
It’s amazing how messages come from above via songs & we don’t actually get the true meaning of the message until we reflect on it or view it from another perspective or experience.
Hi all!
I wanted to take a minute to share something with all of you, as it brought a great deal of clarity to my life and my past experience. Last night, I went out to dinner with a close friend of mine. We had been catching up on work, past relationships, and begrudgingly, I re-hashed a portion of the last stint with my ex-soc. I think we can all relate to this, as we frequently re-hash on here in search of answers, validation and to make sense of anything at all that has gone on around us.
It is natural, in the state we are left, to look for answers or finally have a “box” to be able to fit these people into. Or, at least, have a clear DSM-V diagnosis of what these people “are” and what these people “do”. All that does make sense, and can bring a sense of clarity…but I think as we are re-hashing and looking for answers, we forget the bigger picture here, which my friend made completely aware to me last night.
I was re-playing the last episode in my mind, where my soc is now showing up to my work because he is “friends” with a girl I work with. Considering we have had NC for 8 weeks, and I have no facebook for him to check up on me with….Unlikely that this has nothing at all to do with me? Complete coincidence? Hmm.. You can see how we naturally have these thoughts that cross our mind. Which, ironically, is probably what the soc is going for anyway. So, I have to admit, it was a success on that account. I did think of his motives. Or, at least question/wonder about them.
And then my friend said something so incredible simple it was stupid ha. He said “It doesnt matter what I think”…And I was waiting for the …”Because its over now” or “Because you shouldnt care” or “because I dont know him well enough to deliberate”….But no. Instead, he said something way more simple than that. He said the following:
“It doesnt matter what I think, because you cant find reason in a psychopath”.
It hit me silly..and I looked at him and laughed…because he is so RIGHT!
And then he went on with this analogy, which I found brilliant…
“It’s like when you meet someone who is colorblind….and they tell you that they cant see the color blue. No matter how many different shades of blue you show them, no matter which day of the week, and no matter how much time passes between the last time you tried, they STILL cant see the color blue…”
Trying to understand a psychopath/sociopath is similar to being colorblind and trying to see the color blue. As empaths, or at least compassionate human beings, we dont even possess the skill set, or lack there of, to understand the motives of these people. We will NOT be able to make sense of their motives, their behaviors or what they do and why they do it.
It made so much sense to me I immediately started laughing and smiling…
So, he reiterated once more,
“So, really, you can ask me a hundred different ways what I think it means…but at the end of the day, I cant see the color psycho”
Hope some of you found this to be helpful and as enlightening as I did 🙂 !!
I had a similar convo with a friend about why these peeps do what they do, what motivates them etc. I told her “You cannot use a stable mind to understand someone who’s unstable, you’ll never understand them or “get” what they think or why they do what they do because they’re not normal and emotionally healthy”, simple as that!”
yes!! exactly! 🙂
Hi Cecilybecily 🙂
I hate it when i’m trying to relate the Soc story & the other person just glazes over & retreats back into their safe, normal world (lol) & I just give up & say “you are so lucky & I hope you never understand!”….we need to get our NORMAL on 🙂 xoxox PR
What your friend says it’s so real, we can’t ever understand the reasons and motives of our “Pinnochios”, but I hope everyone of us can reach the understanding of why we stayed for so long on this kind of “relationship” that made us unhappy, and why it’s so hard to let it go and break the cycle.
There’s an excellent book, “Why he does that?” about abusive partners…not every abuser is a sociopath, but every sociopath is an abuser.
FS if he comes calling etc…ignore him & let him know how that feels.
Mine did the bombarding of calls, txts etc…& if I didn’t answer was really shitty etc…but then he would do it all the time.
Once after a period of his ignoring me I just got fed up & didn’t bother chasing so, I left the phone & went out for a walk….I was coming back & he was waiting for me & was livid.
So I told him if he wants to play games don’t bother I’m over it & he said he wouldn’t do it again. He rang me constantly from then but, he kept control by saying just call me & hang up & I’ll return your call if I’m not busy etc…logical as he was on call as a fireman etc…but, he always called back. He did this for years & years but, he always had the control & I fell for it.
He did the same with the OW it was his way of controlling the situation….he learnt that I wouldn’t play that game so, changed tactics that’s all.
If you can’t ignore him then you have my permission to punch him right in the nose…& give him one from me 🙂 LOL….I would love to give mine a good bunch of 5’s but, I’m to nice…he always said that also!!!!
stay strong FS….PR xoxox
Hey Gas. May not be able to see it but I’m guessing the color psycho goes with everything. Or goes “OUT” w everything I should say!
haha Probably!!
I just thought it was a funny analogy though that made complete sense to me! Like, you cant understand something we are not wired to understand!
Hope you are doing well today! 🙂
FS I did the same…always trying to prove to myself & others that he was a great guy.
I constantly reinforced to everyone that he was so good too me etc…blah,blah but, then that’s what he taught me to say….”I’ve always treated you well haven’t I????” & I would mumble something like “if you say so????” I was such a fool but, I so wanted to be wrong about what my gut kept saying & I thought he would see how great I was etc….blah,blah…we all do this.
We set ourselves up sometimes with something to prove.
I have always sought the approval of men that don’t fulfil me….the nice guys I have always run from 😦
I’m working on this as my need for the wrong type of attention goes way, way back!
I am healing & learning from this as I have a much bigger lesson to learn & I’m really getting it now 🙂
PR x
Hey GL very good 🙂
I wrote an email to the OW when we had contact in the beginning & I said (our Soc) doesn’t have empathy etc…you know the drill but, I explained it as lacking something.
Like in not having one of the 5 senses, hearing, smell, sight, touch, taste.
Take one away & other senses get heightened to cope & adapt.
In the Soc’s case they have the above senses but lack empathy, compassion, love, pain senses…& if you take those away they adapt other awareness’s to cope & blend.
They heighten other sensory skills as we know, lying, manipulation, faking etc…
So to describe the loss of empathy I equate it to the loss of a sense ( they make our lives nonsence) just like that.
I couldn’t stand losing a sense so, I pity the Soc’s for their lack of SENSE 🙂
Take Care….you rock 🙂
Love PR xoxo
lol so true!! thanks PR! xo
Happy to report I haven’t responded to my sociopath…yay!me!
I did that too…oh he is good to me blah blah..he was terrible. What’s crazy thinking back to those times I feel like I almost believed what I was saying…still NC! Yay! I need to get moving here before I slip and go backwards.
Stay strong everyone!
It does hurt Nessa bc we actually loved them.
Cecilybecily mine was the same. But there is no question I am like a drug to him. Is it possible they view this as a weakness and create more distance? Mine loves the chase…. when I became available and easy is when he drifted. Now he is in a bliss stage with a much younger woman and spending time with her (still had to see me though) and I found out (he is now angry at me) and she is apparently in love. Best thing I heard haha now she can be the chaser he will tire of while I give him space. In fact when he does call (he will…thinking I will be apologetic and run back to make it up to him) I am going to agree with the state of affairs and just say I hope we can be friends. Yep I am dicking with him… but it will create a chase response for me and a run responce from him (to her lol). I plan to do this until he’s whipped. God. Maybe I am a sociopath.. although I don’t think so. I know I’m a bit selfish and I want to win. (I just want to be avenged on this one. Just a bit!!) And I’m nice to my doggie and kids. I’m ok right? Lol
feelingstupid, I actually read somewhere (maybe here) that the distance thing is also calculated to create a wanting in us, therefore just another control tactic. Mine used to tell me I was like an addiction, he couldn’t keep his hands off me and the sex was off the chain but it doesn’t comfort me when I’m sick or pay my bills or enhance my life in any real way, it’s just great sex. While I have stalked him in the past and never found anything to be upset about, never saw another woman at is house or caught him with one, I have absolutely no desire to engage in that behavior anymore and haven’t since way early last year. Once I realized he was indeed a socipath, it seemed pointless as they cannot change so why torment myself over him and what he may or may not be doing.? I also played that cat and mouse game with him, if I didn’t respond to a call or text from him, he’d get irate yet if the sitution were reversed and I got upset over an ignored call, he acted like it was nothing… total mind bullshit.
I did tell him in an e-mail that it might have been easy for him to prowl and catch when he was younger (was HOT) but his age, ill health, loss of hair and bigger gut wouldn’t get him another woman of my caliber, intelligence and beauty. Now, I’m not the most beautiful woman to ever walk the planet but I am very attractive, smart, funny and kind so I know if someone falls under his spell, he’ll get bored as most can’t keep up with him and I can match him wit for wit and was usually way over his head. It’s not to say that he’s not smart because he is, just not in a true intellectual way and much escaped him. I had to define words and phrases I use regularly that most understand, he just wasn’t very articulate, nothing wrong with that per se but I know it intimidated him. I never, ever acted smug or superior, there was a time I didn’t know things myself and had to learn, but it bugged him none the less.
Anyway, enough blah, blah, blah, would love pr’s take on all this!!!
@ Nessa 🙂
My Soc told me his Dad was a player also?
The fruit definitely does not fall far from the tree, in fact my Soc has his late 20’s son acting as is wing-man. He takes his son around to meet his ladies & show him how it’s done!!!
I would often have lunch with them both etc…& he took his son overseas with him & the OW so, the son knew about both of us & never said a word 😦
Sad but, true!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Oh my goodness..this sounds so familiar! My soc would go out with his son, then brag to me that his son would say, ” Hey dad live me some to chose from” that just makes me sick…the funny thing is he and his son have not spoken in 3 years and he would say, I feel so sorry for the girls my son dates, because he’s only out for what the girl can give him (money, social status) funny I think both of his kids are like him…..the 3 soc family members!! Ha ha ha ha…no wonder they cant get along because they all know what games they are playing…wow my light bulb just went off!!
Hi Cecilybecily,
I think your & I are twins 🙂
As I was reading your post it was like I wrote it myself….identical take on it….my Soc was street smart or just a great gleaner of information but, actual smarts/intellect was not his strong point & he was always learning info from me 🙂
Ditto on the sex etc…& I was his match in many ways & that’s why he never ended it!
He always said I would have to end it with him, just I didn’t expect it to be so dramatic with the OW.
I could have survived but, not forgiven the cheating it was just the whole Soc revelation that really shook me to the core…bizarre & surreal situation. Who’d have thought they existed i sure as hell didn’t until now 😦
I am like you also in looks & like you am not vain or blow my own trumpet but, strong,smart,attractive,funny,outgoing & I have a huge support group of the most amazing friends 🙂
I think my friends are a reflection of me so, I am pretty damn amazing 🙂
I cannot pick a decent man to save myself but, I make up for it tenfold in my friends 🙂 of which you ladies I now consider albeit in cyberspace 🙂
Still we have facebook & email so,we are never alone & the more friends the merrier I say 🙂
I am doing well & often comment just to share & support but, I am now well into my healing stage 🙂
Love & Light CB always 🙂
PR xoxox
Thanks PR and all the bestest of the best to you as you continue on your healing journey, I appreciate you a ba-zillion!!!
Backatcha CB….it’s been great to have this site for us all to help each other on our journey, at least we have found each other & that’s a big positiva for us 🙂
PR xoxo
@ Nessa,
You will have so many light bulb moments you will light the night sky 🙂
My Soc supports his son financially & rewards his loyalty with overseas trips etc…
His son has had numerous failed relationships & views all women with disdain so, definitely following his father’s lead. My Soc’s early 30’s daughter also would call me & see me face to face & cover his lies…what the hell???
I even employed her when she was saving to get married & lost her job etc….argh!!! They are very loyal yet sick…but, they have a Sociopath father so, I am not surprised in the least.
My Soc’s son lives with his mother (Soc has never divorced her) & the Soc controls her via the son…the children sabotage any chance of her happiness with someone else.
All controlled & orchestrated by the Soc…really sad 😦 I don’t think she has any idea which is tragic!
Be happy Nessa 🙂
PR xoxox
Yes you are right, I continue to have the light bulb moments!! It’s crazy, here I sit here on a friday night like the last year and he’s already moved on with a new woman, playing the game…yes I think his kids are just like him, they use each other when they need back up….what a sick family and way to live…I have this really nice man that likes me, but I just keep having flash backs and I honestly don’t think I will ever be able to have a relationship with anyone for a long time…the scars are deeper than I thought
Nessa
Hi Nessa,
Give yourself time to heal….you have been severely traumatised by your relationship with your Soc 😦
The nice guy will wait & when your ready hopefully you can share what’s happened to you??? Just work on healing yourself & seeking support here & elsewhere.
You need to feel comfortable & good within & not rebound into another relationship as it won’t be good for you or him….take your time….this is Your time now….be happy, be strong but, most of all be You 🙂
Love PR xoxo
My story goes like this…
* Met my ex husband via social media
* He came on really strong and after being treated like rubbish in past relationships I was flattered
* Added all my friends to his social media – red flag.
* Did the whole seduction/soul mate connection malarkey
* I’ve always wanted to travel, he told me stories about his travels around the world (later found out it was all made up)
* Asked me to move in straight away (later found out he nearly lost his house because he hadn’t been paying his bills)
* Told me he had some minor money issues but was getting it sorted
* I paid all his bills/rent/food…
* I looked after his daughter all the time because he wanted us to ‘bond’ (he couldn’t be bothered to do it)
* Asked me to get married in the first month – red flag.
* Told me all he wanted was a family because his childhood was so awful
* When I expressed doubt about marriage and babies he would cry and make up stories about his terrible childhood
* I ridiculously decided to give him the family he “always wanted”
* Started to phase my friends out of my life, told me they didn’t want to know me now I was married with a baby, told me they were a bad influence etc
* One day I was so suffocated I told him I needed some time with my friends, he went mad saying I couldn’t leave my baby (6 months old) what kind of mother was I, he couldn’t look after him on his own (he was a single father when we met..)
* Mask slipped and I saw nothing in his eyes, I was freaked out and asked him to leave
* Started crying and saying he thought I would leave, he didn’t trust my friends, his mum had cheated on his dad etc
* He convinced me to let him stay and decided he could actually manage to “babysit” his own children for a couple of hours
* When I was out he would text and ring constantly, like every 5 minutes or so
* Would ask who I was with, where I was, what I was doing
* After about 40 mins told me the baby was sick and he couldn’t cope and I had to come home
* As I was leaving he was outside in his car (it was about a half hour drive so he’d obviously decided a while ago this would be a short night out)
* Screamed and shouted at me that I was a terrible mother etc
* Back to being sweet and charming the next morning, when I tried to broach the subject he would change the subject
* Bizzarely this doesn’t fit in with the ‘sociopath stereotype’ but he convinced me not to go back to work after maternity leave (I earned more than him) thus leaving me isolated
* Started to make me feel awkward about going out during the day, how will you manage the pushchair on the bus, you can’t breast feed in public it’s disgusting, shouldn’t you wait until you’ve lost some baby weight
* I became very isolated from all my friends and we moved house about 40 miles away to an isolated area (couldn’t walk to the shop etc)
* Whittled away at my confidence slowly so I didn’t even realise what was happening
* Took control of my social media, made me give him my passwords and he gave me his (then changed them)
* Had a secret phone
* Would lie about EVERYTHING even the most mind boggingly pathetic things
* Wild elaborate lies – as if he wanted to get caught out?
* Began convincing me I was crazy. I thought I was for a while. Weird things would happen like I would put dinner in the oven and set the timer, then when it went off and I went to get it out it would be cold, I’d “forgotten” to turn the oven on and just set the timer (caught him turning it off a couple of times) or he’d turn the heat right up so everything would be burnt
* At the start I was the most beautiful woman in the world, then I became a “crazy mess”, was told no one would want me, he didn’t know why he put up with me
* Started to become aggressive if I ever tried to defend myself, I had to call the police one time because he had his hands around my throat
* Stalled for time. Police tried to make him leave, he kept coming back “forgotten to get toothbrush”, “need phone charger” etc, this happened about half a dozen times
* Told police I was crazy and shouldn’t be around the kids (they believed me thank god, female officer even said she’s seen so many men like this and I need to leave – Red flag!)
* As he was leaving would shout things like remember to feed the cat (eye roll)
* Wormed his way back in. Didn’t want the kids to have the childhood he did, he’d change, he’d get help
* Went on like this for another two years until I was a shadow of my former self. I had no friends, no money, nothing.
* Started having blatant affairs – it was like he wanted to be caught, it thrilled him to look into my eyes and lie to me.
* Had an affair with a “friend” told her I was crazy and suffering post natal depression, said I’d tried to kill myself, told her I was mad
* I snapped and threw him out. He stole things that were really important to me, a first edition book my best friend had bought me one Christmas, a pair of shoe I’d bought with my first ever pay check and a silk nightdress my nana had bought for me as well as all of my underwear (weird?!)
* When confronted about the missing items he said “you know what you’re like, it’s probably right in front of you, you always misplace things”
* A week or so later he came to see the kids and needed the toilet so went upstairs – came down with a bundle of my underwear “Look what I just found in the washing basket you’re so fucking stupid you shouldn’t be allowed to look after the kids”
* Washing basket had definitely been empty, I’d put on a wash that morning..
* Started to stalk me. Would stand outside my house at night staring through the windows, I was scared so I rang him, guy watching through the window reached into his pocket and answered a phone yet he denied it (I could hear the wind?) said he was at home and I was crazy, probably imagining things as usual
* This carried on for a long time
* I developed anorexia (a need to control something maybe?) and attempted suicide, was sectioned in a mental health facility
* Lost custody of the children, my mum and dad sided with my ex husband.
So that’s my story. It’s been a year since I got out of the mental health institute and I’m beginning to heal. I still have issues with food but I’m getting better.
I see my children every weekend but he still has custody, he quit his job and now stays at home getting the government to pay for his lifestyle.
My parents still don’t talk to me.
My brothers, sisters, cousins and everyone on my Facebook no longer talk to me.
The majority of my friends no longer talk to me, except one, my best friend Ben who thankfully was phased out first, but this allowed him not to get caught up in my husbands lies.
This website has helped me so much, I just needed answers and now I realise I may never get them, but having an explanation of his behaviour is an answer in itself – so thank you, you’ve helped me more than you could ever know.
Hi Leanne,
I’m so sorry for what has happened to you!! This blog has helped me so much, it’s a way to vent and that’s what you need to do!! This is the safe place where you can process what has happened to you!! We have lots in common..welcome to the blog!!
Nessa
Hi Nessa, So sorry for what has happened to you, they are poor excuses for human beings, well the worst is over and you are truly a survivor, a very very strong woman. God Bless You in your own journey to recovery Much love to you…
Leanne, we are here for you! You are such a strong person and will come through all of this full of love, light and an amazing refresher of a life. Its not too late.
I, too, suffered from an ED for a few years one “go around” with my soc (we had been on and off for 10 years). It was pretty severe, along with depression (I’m sure you know they go hand in hand). But I needed to control something and came to hate myself so much, at that point, I didnt care I was hurting my body. I wanted someone to save me, or let me die. And during that time, it was the darkest months of my life, he didnt contact me for MONTHS for me to go through this all on my own. I was terrified and incredibly low. I remember my parents setting up some sort of intervention for me because no one knew what to do with me. I wore sweat pants ever day, would forget to take care of myself..it was just a low place to be.
But in the end, thats exactly where I needed to be to hit rock bottom and bounce back up. I learned so much self-healing and self-esteem when I was left to myself. When I was left alone, with truly no one to care whether I made it or not, I decided FOR MYSELF that I would make it. It was a blessing in disguise. Because no one has been able to shake that self awareness and self love from me since. And, of course, he saw that and circled back for more, now that I was a strong, independent and loving person. So, be careful of that too. Its a challenge for them to try to shake you…and they see you at your best as attractive.
My heart really goes out to you, as I understand some of your personal battles. I promise you are not alone, even when you feel alone. And more than anything, I promise you will ALWAYS be worth it, even if it doesnt feel like it. Keep moving forward, keep going. We’re all here for you.
Hi Leanne,
I am so sorry to hear how terribly you have been treated 😦
I cannot even begin to imagine what this has been like for you, & to lose your family & friends is horrendous 😦
You are such a very strong & brave person to have endured so much torment & survived
(WOW)….I hope you can get some answers that will put you well & truly onto your healing path 🙂
Firstly, this is a great site & Positavagirl will be invaluable as she has been to so many of us 🙂
Secondly, the support here is wonderful & we are all enduring our own journeys & are at different stages but, our bond through understanding the abuse, trauma & betrayal that we have all suffered is very strong.
Thirdly, We are victims that are turning into such strong survivors & you are welcome here & never feel judged or alone….we are here & we will try & help you to the best of our ability 🙂
You are a wonderful person & you deserve to be treated with dignity & compassion so, I hope you feel safe here.
When you were in hospital did they talk about ‘Gaslighting’ or Narcissistic/Sociopaths etc…did they understand the abuse cycle that you had been in?
Welcome too you & Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxox
Welcome to the site and I’m sorry about everything you have gone through. I had my family help my daughters father in a custody case, I was arrested, had my daughter taken from an aunts house when I was arrested and taken to another state…had my car taken from me (moms name, didnt like who him so she called the dealership and had them pick up my car) all of this within the first 7 months of meeting my sociopath.no friends , gave him thousands of dollars, it’s been a horrible roller coaster ride but so happy I found this site and on the path to getting my life back…(btw I also heard so many rediculous lies I don’t know how I ever kept a straight face) the last measage i got from him after he gave me the silent treatment for 24 hours was at 338am on 8/20. I still haven’t responded. Stay strong. And you are still beautiful.
Fack I’m needy. No contact. (He does have a new victim after all plus he hates me). I cant stop thinking I want to shut my brain off. Thank god I’m so busy. I hastily made a date for this wknd and onr next wknd (2 potential suitors) but I don’t feel I am ready for intimacy yet. I’m a mess. I goddamn don’t deserve to be a goddamn mess I want the wasting of my life to be over !!! I’m so sorry I keep posting angry shit but I’m OFF. I drive by him last night…sitting in a corner store parking lot at nine thirty. He was looking down so obviously texting her. I foolishly feel good knowing he spent the bulk of his night with his buddies and then called her just for the booty call. Mean I know.. but I don’t have to feel the jealousy. Fuck sakes I’m sick of talking about it but this site saved my sanity this week. I refuse to be ashamed for having loved someone with a real heart. Thanks all…
@feelingstupid,
A few months ago, I went through his dresser and he new I did, and set it up and caught me….what an asshole!! So don’t feel bad for posting your feelings…I drove by and saw him with the new girlfriend and her kids playing outside where he and I use to live!! He’s a ass!! You have my support!!
Nessa
FS. UR hurting and there’s no shame in that. I’m on day 3 or 4 of NC and its not fun. It’s not pleasant. I have a counselor I see bc of family stuff and she referred me to a psychiatrist who actually knows a lot about these antisocials. I’ve never seen a shrink before but WOW. The way he explained why I’m going thru this was amazing. I had been crying on the floor for hours everyday. Crying on the way home from work etc. after seeing this guy I have not shed a tear. So I guess what I’m saying is if u haven’t done so find a good counselor or dr who really knows their stuff and it will make all the difference in the world. Praying for us all…….
Hi Judah- was wondering what the psychiatrist said to make you stop the tears. I have moments of strength and moments of weakness. And I dearly hate the moments where someone who never cared about me can make me cry! I hate it! I started to write out my story maybe to post here. It helps to get it out, but hurts so much at the same time to see all of the red flags I should’ve paid more attention to…..just makes me feel like that much more of an idiot 😦 Sorry just having a bad day…..
That’s how I have always acted when we separate… but this time I have no tears. I’m still thinking of it a lot and I still want him to cave and call and I don’t know why but no hysterical sadness. I just have none. And I’m bipolar… I have had a psychiatrist for years lol and its free.. lol. Do you know I have never ever mentioned this person to him… in 3 years. I knew it was bad for me… so I never told my psychiatrist anything about it. I protected him and myself from the reality. Christ am I delusional? I still don’t know if I am ready to talk about it with doc. (I write a lot you see.. but he has to pull things out of me at appts…I’m not verbal whiny lol
Ok it broke. My dead feeling of nothingness broke like a dam. I drove home in tears practically hysterical and unable to breathe. Short lived however… I’m still emotional. There is no turning back now though. He finally broke us.
Tears are good feeling…. I always said that each tear shed is one more step towards healing…. if you get really upset – try writing down your feelings. It can be really useful to have a journal and to look back and see your progress.
The numbness and then emotions are normal. I cant tell ya how long I was numb before I had a solid 24 hours of on and off crying. And it wasnt over anything specific, just bottled up emotions coming to the surface. It feels so good to let it out. And once you rest and recover from it, you feel a huge sense of release and maybe even a little acceptance! It is all part of the healing process. You are getting closer FS 🙂
Brandy the dr I saw was able to explain who I was deep down. He explained how and why I am who I am. That sounds strange prob but in my situation there’s a lot of abuse since I was 6. And it still continues at my age of 48 (48 today!!!). But he could explain why it hurts so bad that my ex left N why I feel stuck wanting to drop him but also wanting to beg him back. It goes back to how the core of my being was formed at an early age and that was a self defense and fear thing bc of what I lived thru. Anyway it doesn’t mean I’m crazy just bc those people can push my buttons. And I don’t have a personality disorder or anything wrong w me. He did say that I have been severely traumatized above n beyond and I would never be able to overcome that by myself. He said if I looked at everyone in my life they would prob be negative in some way bc that’s all I’ve known since my family abuses and that’s why I was comfortable w my ex. The good news is he said outta all of them I am the only one there is any hope for as My mom is most likely a narcissistic Soc also.
HaPpY bIrThDaY Judah!!! 🙂 Hope you have a wonderful day!! 🙂
Happy Birthday Judahbug! I hope you have the greatest day ever and never, ever forget how exceptional you are, it’s gonna be ok, we’re all pulling for you and helping you on your new journey!!! XOXOXO!
Well I hope you are having a very happy birthday! Thanks for sharing…I guess like everyone else I’m just looking for some closure that we all know will never come and that just stinks! I so want to be past the hurt and not allow him to have any effect on my emotions. He became so cold hearted about everything after I confronted him with his cheating. Moved right out without a care! I should be happy that he left…..to not have to put up with all the lies and cheating. I deserve more…we all do. Just some reason I can’t let go even though he’s already left the relationship. I hate to hear all of the trauma you have gone through in your life…but you’ve found help and that’s what’s important! You must be in such a better place in your life now! I’m proud of you for the healing you’ve done and I hope to get there some day too! Again I wish you a very happy birthday! And ty for listening 🙂
Thanks Brandy. My ex did the same. Walked out like I never existed. The girl dumped him n he’s alone looking for his next victim. He deserves to be alone!
But I’ve had little sleep so I’ve been resting and spending my day w Judah my beagle. Had some ice cream! And don’t feel all that well so just resting. But not crying and that’s a start. I worked from home a little and that was unexpected. It’s all good tho. Just living moment to moment.
Thanks Pos!! Been a peaceful day!!
Happy Birthday! ! Truly… everyday is a new beginning! ! I have a pretty good family. .mood disorders and anxiety but big hearts lol. I know what my issues are so going to be more forthcoming to doc like you’ve done. I am a very strong person I know it 🙂 (just one text to give me the satisfaction of knowing he is thinking of me too would be nice) sick. I know.
Happy Birthday to YOU Judahbug 🙂
I am glad you had a peaceful day & here’s to many many more 🙂
Love PR xoxox
A big pat for Judah as well 🙂
That’s all any of us can do I suppose! At least you treated yourself to ice cream!! And no one loves you more than your dog…men could really take a lesson from them! Lol. Well still thinking of you on your special day and hoping it ends on a high note!! 😉
Hi, I came across this blog whilst searching on Google for ‘does he have a girlfriend’ (just reading what I have just written has made me laugh out loud, genuinely because if you have to ask that question its most likely you already know the answer deep down) I have always been unlucky in love and my friends just say it’s because I have bad taste in men, however after reading this I am now aware that it may just be that there is something about me that attracts weird men, but usually I can tell they are slightly odd or just want sex from me so I avoid them and stop speaking to them, however the most recent guy was a completely different kettle of fish. I have read many posts on here and I am so sorry that people have been put through such horrific times, and I feel silly telling my story as it is nothing in comparison however this is my Story:
I am a 22 year old girl who has just recently finished my degree at University, about 5-6 months ago I was feeling lonely and could never meet a guy who I felt was suited to me or had similar values and interests, I expressed this to my homosexual male friend who told me about an app you could get on your phone where you could meet single people in your area and just talk to them if you felt lonely, therefore I thought why not (I had absolutely no intention whatsoever of ever meeting with people from the app) I was lonely and just wanted someone to chat to as I wasn’t getting along very well with my housemates and I just needed a bit of a boost. I had a lot of messages from really strange guys in which I did not reply to and was thinking about deleting my account because it was making me feel 10xs worse, until this guy popped up who looked really cute, at the time he messaged me I was busy therefore did not reply and when I came back to it he had messaged me saying I was rude for not replying and I thought what I weirdo, but as I am a kind person and actually hate rudeness I replied saying sorry I was busy (now he could not have known anything about me as my ‘dating profile’ had no information on it because I did not want some sort of stalker situation so he could not have known how much I hate rude people right? ) but we got talking and I was really wanting to go travelling when I finished uni and he had been backpacking for a couple of years which made me go HOLY HELL THIS GUY IS COOL! I told him I was deleting my profile so he asked for my Facebook, which I gave him as my Facebook doesn’t really have much information on either. He then told me he had moved from another city recently and had no friends here, he told me where he worked and where he lived and as I know the places he sounded legit and he asked for my number, I gave it him, and then started all the texts, ALLDAY EVERYDAY text after text after text! If I didn’t reply he would start getting funny, say I didn’t like him. I said to him I’m busy and I just want to be friends nothing more as I don’t even know him and this is all a bit too much! He made me feel really bad about that but I was wayyyy too busy at Uni to keep this up it was my final year and I wanted to do well so I needed my sleep. He asked if he could visit me at Uni I said no and then he kept asking if he could call me, again I said no. He said all he wanted to do was take me out for a drink and was it that bad of a thing to want, I asked him to leave me alone. Then no contact for about three months so I just thought ah he’s given up thank god! After Uni I went travelling and completely forgot all about him, until I got back and I saw on Facebook he had a girlfriend and I thought good for him as he had kept saying he really wanted a girlfriend and someone to treat special etc. I never contacted him about it, but a few days later I was out with my friends and they had uploaded a couple of pictures to Facebook and so he obviously had seen and knew I was back home. He then texted me asking if I was back home now for good and how I was and how uni was and travelling etc. (he’d obviously been going through all my photos but that’s quite a normal thing people do when bored on Facebook isn’t it? so I didn’t really think anything of it.) so out of politeness I replied, he then asked if I wanted to go for that drink (at this point in time I was jobless, just got back from the most amazing time of my life and felt really low as I was missing travelling and I was insanely bored) I spoke to my friend about it as I was sure I’d seen he had a girlfriend so why was he asking me out? So she said for me to say I wasn’t interested because he had a girlfriend, which is what I did, he then replied with a reply as if to say I was being a bit weird and that he only wanted to meet up for a ‘friendly drink’ so I thought why not I’m bored and even though I thought he was slightly weird If we met up in a public place he couldn’t do anything to harm me if my opinion of him was correct. We met at a pub I usually go to so I felt comfortable and as soon as he saw me he gave me a cuddle and said how happy he was to see me finally in the flesh! He bought me a drink and we sat down, we got chatting about travelling and it all seemed very normal, I asked about his girlfriend and he told me she was a friend from school who was having trouble with a stalker so they had put a relationship on fb to deter him from her, I thought bullshit if you have a stalker first thing you do is block them, as I have been stalked before and there is no way that kind of thing would deter one and it would put himself in danger, however he convinced me and I then questioned myself thinking if he had a gf he would not take me out in public that’s just a rooky error! He then sat close to me and tried to kiss me I pulled away like wtf are you doing, he apologized and I told him I hated public displays of affection, he then explained how that was silly and I shouldn’t care about what others think, he then told me that my eyes were beautiful and that they were green with blue around the outside (this is something which my own family can never detect) and I told him this and how I always tell people my eyes are blue green but they don’t get it, and at this moment I thought wow he must be so into me that he knows my eyes (sounds stupid I know) then he kissed me again and I let him. Then I told him about my past relationship which was not a nice one and he told me he’d had a similar experience. I forgot about all my doubts and the fact I told myself he was lying about his girlfriend, he then invited me to France to stay with his grandparents, I said no that’s weird I don’t really know you, then he said ok what do you want to know, I didn’t know what to ask I didn’t like getting put on the spot like that, so he told me how when he was travelling he got stabbed and showed me his scar and how he’s visited the seven wonders of the world etc. Stories that I thought were crazy as he was only 21 but he had the scar as evidence so I believed him. He walked me home which I thought was gentlemanly however he was very handsy and I told him I didn’t like it and if he carried on that would be it! So he apologised. I didn’t get him to walk me to my actual front door just in case. After this he was texting me constantly, again I said to him we don’t have to talk all the time, he said he’s only like this with me because he’s so excited about us, he asked when he could see me again and I said maybe next week but he was like no what you doing tomorrow, I was busy so we arranged for the day after. He asked me things about favourite music TV shows etc. and then told me he liked all he same stuff, we even had the same fear which was weird as I thought I was the only person in the world who cried whenever I got on a bicycle lol I said to myself it’s like he’s just repeating what you are saying but then he started telling me about episodes of my favourite program so I thought well he must be a fan unless he has quickly Googled everything. He then asked me what I was wearing I again went whoa what!? You think I’m that kind of girl! I then ignored him because I was pissed off, he kept texting saying he was sorry and I said if all he wanted was sex then he’s guna be waiting a long time, he told me he wanted a relationship and more than sex with me which reassured me. The next time we met we were going to take his dog for a walk which is what we did but it started raining and we ended up back at his house, he would not leave me alone, he was all over me, I kept saying no, time and time again but he still kept trying it on, I threatened to leave and never speak to him again and so he apologised and I did not believe his sorry this time, but he convinced me that he was and that it’s just that he really liked me and had never met anyone like me before. I told him he had to respect me. Everything from this point on moved really quickly, I felt like I had known him all my life. I didn’t see him for a few days as I was busy plus I wanted to take things slowly, he was constantly texting me asking what I was doing, who I was with and if I didn’t text back he’d keep texting and making me feel bad about it. All I kept thinking was he is so keen and so nice and we have so much in common, but the girlfriend thing really did play on my mind so I asked him again he said if I didn’t trust him what was the point and he said I know you find it difficult to trust but I’m here if you want to talk and I’m a very understanding guy. I found this really endearing and again forgot about my doubts. I saw him again at his house, he cooked me a romantic dinner and picked out my favourite films to watch, I thought if he just wanted sex he wouldn’t go to so much trouble and he actually made me think he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. We slept together as I thought our relationship was moving forward. And I stayed over the night, he told me he sleep talks and I was like that’s fine as a lot of my friends sleep talk and I can handle it, however in his sleep he put his arms around me and said the name of the girl who I thought was his girlfriend and said he really liked her, at this point I was like I know a lot of sleep talkers who say a lot of crap in their sleep but that was just the final straw for me. I got up and got dressed and told him I was going home expecting him to say sorry and explain himself, he didn’t, he told me to leave and said I was blowing everything out of proportion and that he wanted me to leave as now id made everything awkward, and I said I was sorry as it was 6am and that I wanted to stay, he said no and I had to walk home, I asked if we could just sit down and talk and he said to me no that’s what you do when you’re in a fucking long term relationship and that he barely knew me! He said he’d call me later; we would meet up and have a drink. I was so confused the fact that I was the one saying we need to slow down and that I didn’t know him well enough and he told me I was over thinking things and I was being crazy and now he was saying it! I got home luckily without any problems and went to sleep. When I awoke I thought I may have had a couple of missed calls or about a billion texts but nothing, I text him asking if he was okay-nothing. I went on Facebook and searched for him-nothing came up. I panicked and thought I’d ruined everything, I rang my friend to talk things through with her, she said she’d look for him on fb because I told her he had told me he would remove the relationship status from his fb so I thought maybe he had deleted his profile. He had unfriended me and blocked me! I could not believe it! At this point I was angry and wanted to know what was going on, I rang him he forwarded my call so I texted him saying all I want to know is why. I didn’t hear from him all day, I did think he may have been sleeping but surely not all day! He text me eventually saying he was sorry he had been asleep. I tried calling again he set his phone to busy, I had no idea what was happening. I went to sleep eventually but was awoken at 2am from a phone call, I missed it and text him asking to call again if he wanted but he didn’t. At that moment I told myself he was not worth it and if he contacted me again I would ignore him, I mean blocking me from Facebook was now proof enough that he was lying to me. He then texted me the next morning apologising he didn’t mean to wake me he accidently leant on his phone and what was I doing today. I didn’t reply and I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days, in this time I’d gotten a new job and life was looking up, but this morning he text me saying ‘HELLO???’ again I didn’t reply because I thought why would anyone reply to that! Plus I thought it was over and he was going to leave me alone. Also I have terrible bite marks on my leg and neck from him, which I did not realise at the time, which has left big purple bruises, it makes me feel sick every time I look in the mirror and this made me think he has the potential for violence.
Does this sound like a case of a Sociopath? Or is it just what people refer to as a player? Because now I’m worried he is going to spread lies about me especially if I keep ignoring him? Sorry this is such a long story and I do feel stupid I should have known that’s all he wanted from me but he made me feel so good about myself I wanted to believe him.
Welcome Hitgirl02,
You are not alone & your story is very familiar.
Positivagirl has given us all a refuge here & answers, that allow us to seek & find ourselves again 🙂
Best advice is read, learn, share & support 🙂
You will find it all here & you are not alone.
He sounds like a Sociopath but, you will have to decide that for yourself.
Regardless of that, no one that genuinely cares for you would hurt you or make you feel bad….this guy is doing that & it is not normal nor, should you be treated without respect & dignity.
The marking/bruising is a Soc trait so,is a lot of the other stuff 😦
You deserve better & you are not alone so, welcome & stay strong, work through this & we will support you as best we can.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxox
Thank you Pheonix 🙂 I think I just needed someone else to agree with me about his behaviour, I am lucky In the fact that it all happened so quickly and in such a short space of time so I now can move on. From what I have read I need to keep reminding myself that the person I thought I knew, the perfect man, doesn’t exist in him as he is an illusion and the strong feelings that are felt are not feelings towards him but the person he was pretending to be therefore I can distance myself from the actual person and the only thing i will miss about the actual person is the cuddling, the holding hands and the intimate emotions, however you can have that with absolutely anyone. You are completely correct in saying that no one that cares for you would hurt you, this is a brilliant thing to remember in many situations 🙂 I think I need to learn from this experience not to be so open and honest with men at the very beginning as then I became an easy target. I hope now I can understand and support others through this .
xxx
@ Hitgirl02 🙂
Your young, just be you but, with a bit more awareness of what you deserve & are worthy of & if the next guy doesn’t value you or starts making you crazy with weird behaviour then let them go.
Remember love yourself & you will attract someone that loves you 🙂
High standards & high esteem & don’t compromise yourself for anyone 🙂
Heal from this & keep your radar up but, most of all be happy in yourself 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxox
Happy bday Jbug!! Have a safe and happy night!
Is this the right place to share a story and hopefully receive some support/affirmation/advice? My daughter just got out of a relationship with a young man I am pretty sure is a sociopath, and I am struggling with how to help her deal with what happened and move on with her life (she is only 17!). Is it ok if I share a little here of what happened to her (and our family) because of this boy and ask for guidance? I was not sure if this is the appropriate place or if I should be in the “forum” area … Thank you in advance!
Hi mama yes that is fine 🙂
Thank you! I have now sat down multiple times trying to write out in some form what happened to my daughter with this guy and find I just cannot write it all down — I get overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, and really angry. So I will suffice it to say, that I think the hardest thing for my daughter is that she feels she cannot come out and say “this guy is a sociopath” because people (both peers and adults) think she is overreacting and being too harsh. I find myself also reluctant to say it, even though I really believe it to be true. We did not figure out he was a sociopath until AFTER he broke up with her, and she began to find out so many things about him that were truly disturbing and alarming, and we saw behaviors that had never seen when they were together — because even at his young age (18), he is incredibly skilled at presenting himself in the way he feels he needs to in order to get what he wanted. Thank goodness in this case he did NOT get what he wanted from my daughter (namely, SEX), and I believe that is primarily the reason he moved on so quickly (they only dated 2 months). Her heart is broken because she truly fell in love with the person she THOUGHT he was and envisioned a future together with him, a future which HE encouraged her to reflect upon (told her he loved her, gave her expensive presents, including a ring, made a secret pinterest board with her to share ‘funny’ wedding ideas). The other very difficult twist to this is the spiritual/religious aspect; we are a Christian family and our faith is an integral part of who we are and how we live our lives, and this guy presented himself as someone who fit into that — he even professed (and continues to profess) that his dream is to become a youth pastor and to that end, he has just begun his first year of college to get a degree for that. Ladies, this is where I get a sick feeling in my gut because one of the big lies he told — or shall we say, didn’t tell — was about his sexual encounter with an underage girl at his church (he was 18, she was 14) about 4 months before he met my daughter. Parents were apparently notified, and the police were called in, but no charges were pressed, so I guess it was all kind of swept under the rug. When we found out about this (a couple weeks after the break-up) my husband actually contacted his church and had a sit-down with one of their ministers to make sure they weren’t going to recommend him for any type of positions working with youth as he goes forward in his “career.” Ok I can’t talk about that anymore because it gets me so worked up, probably because I know we have done all we can apart from prayer (which is a daily thing for me in regards to this!), and yet still I feel anxious for his future victims…. This too is one of the reasons my daughter is finding it so hard to move on, as she takes this part of the situation so very seriously and feels somehow responsible to make sure no one else gets hurt. I have gone on too long already! I just want my daughter to be happy again — she has good days and bad days, but she still gets sad and angry by turns….still cries occasionally about the fact that there is part of her that can’t seem to let go of the guy she loves (even though she knows he never really existed)….most of all feels isolated and like no one understands, esp. amongst her peers. I am finding this website so helpful but am reluctant to send her here because I think she needs to not dwell on this whole thing too much, and she seems so much better when she is focused on other things. She has so much to do during this her senior year of high school, she is such a cool and amazing kid, I want her looking ahead instead of backward …. 🙂 Thank you for listening! ~MamaBear
Sorry for the weird “worthword” login info. WordPress made me log in with an old blog I haven’t used in years for some reason … I think I have it figured out now how to log in as “MamaBear”. 🙂
@MamaBear,
Welcome! You will find that we are all so supportive of each other! This is the one place that I feel I can speak what I feel. I’m sorry your daughter had to endure that as such a young age. I can say this from experience, I just didn’t want to see those red flashing neon signs, I chose to look the other way. It just about caused me to lose it!! I have every reason to fear him because he could off me so easy!! I am paranoid that I will see him out with his new gf. I’m sure all my friends new he was messing around on me but just didn’t want to say so. You hang in there MamaBear, your daughter needs your love and support!
Nessa
Thank you Nessa! Sometimes I feel almost embarrassed at all the red flags we too saw in my daughter’s relationship, it’s crazy. I guess she too would say she just didn’t want to see the warning signs because she was so SO infatuated with this guy. And we have a very open relationship with our daughter, so what she knew, she told us, so we all knew the bad stuff about this guy up front. And get this, her peers at her high school came out of the woodwork to tell her what a bad guy he was and how she shouldn’t date him. This is where our spiritual beliefs bit us in the butt a little, because we believe in redemption and grace, and this guy said he had changed, that was the “old” him. *SIGH* But I honestly don’t know we could have done any differently. And even as I shake my head about our naivete, I also see how God protected my daughter and got her out of this relationship before it could have gotten so much worse. Really the one thing that still kinda gives me some measure of peace is the way he broke up with her — he told her that “God told him” to do it, because she was a “distraction” from the great things God had for him to do. Well we knew this was BS frankly, and we even told him so — at that point I believe that HE believed that God had told him that (I now understand he never believed it and was completely lying to everyone), so I figured, what can you say. It was a friend who told me something so very profound — he said that perhaps God HAD told him to break up with her — in order to rescue her from him. I honestly believe this is the case, because the more I have read about sociopathy, the more I realize how unusual it is for someone like this to let someone go as easily as he let go of my daughter. In part this may be because this guy is still so young, and he doesn’t quite have his game completely honed to its highest skill level but I like to think God had a hand in it too. 🙂
They don’t say “God moves in mysterious ways” for nothing. It’s great your daughter has your staunch support also. I suspect dealing with someone like this is in fact spiritual warfare.
I have lost my voice (literally). I’ve had laryngitis since I initiated no contact with him over a week ago. I have seen him since, but this has still not lifted. Very very unusual for me—especially since I don’t have other symptoms other than I just generally don’t feel well.
He has said the problem he has with me is my mouth (backtalk). What this really amounts to is a lack of compliance/acceptance for whatever he wants me to do or think. I have a music degree and am a singer so this is a very serious occurence for me. I do something else professionally now, but I still need my voice, obviously.
thanks. i really need it. i want him to come back but I can’t take him back. I love him but I don’t like him. I am going BONKERS every night alone now he is with her. whatever. my sex is off the chain… that’s why he need pics of me on his cell phone before he went to her place (new revelation this week). but see she’s young and pretty… the trophy. he is more concerned with how he looks than how he feels. I pity him for that.
@MamaBear,
Wow it’s a blessing that your daughter got away from him! I wonder if he is Bipolar or schizophrenic? Since God told him to do it….that usually equates to possibly hearing voices. I hope your daughter doesn’t think all men are like that, because they aren’t. Thank goodness she has a wonderful, loving mamma to rely on!
Nessa
Thanks Nessa. Interesting you should say that — he told my daughter he has a half-brother who is schizophrenic. His family situation, if what he told her is accurate, is pretty bizarre — the half-brother who is schizophrenic, another half-brother who died from leukemia as a young child, and a full brother a couple years older, who according to my daughter, came across to her as very “strange” — and my daughter works regularly with special needs kids — they are her passion and what she plans to major in, plus her brother/my son is on the autism spectrum — so she’s usually very accepting of and enjoys people who seem “different” but the older brother was so weird he kinda freaked her out, and that was before she broke up with the boyfriend!. In addition he told her that his mother almost divorced his dad during a time when his dad was ill almost to the point of death (the father is diabetic) and that was why he got into drugs/alcohol as a preteen/young teen … this came out because when my daughter first began dating him, he told her he was in counseling … which he was paying for himself. Of course this seemed so impressive and so mature to her at the time, like he was pro-actively taking care of himself to be healthy, because he told her he was doing it to deal with his “family issues.” In retrospect we wonder if the counseling was a requirement after his near-brush with the law over the sexual contact with the underage girl last fall … GAH I still can’t believe how little we really knew and understood about this guy …. and he was alone with our daughter, we let him take her out! When I read sociopaths like to have a sob story that makes people feel sorry for them, plus gives them a reason to blame others (anyone but themselves) for their problems … I began to wonder about all his stories. I really find it hard to believe anything he told her now. Guess we will never know because I hope none of us ever have any contact with him again!
Walk away.
Turn you back and walk away from things that negatively affect the quality of your life today.
Look to the future, unload what doesn’t work anymore, and move on without regret.
‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ ~Eleanor Roosevelt.
I recently parted from sociopath last straw is when I told him it was over he went to my mum and told her he loved me and I was wrong to finish with him . he told her all the stuff we talked about secret stuff even convinced her I was the crazy one he was the victim. still did not want him back so he went to the police after I asked him to repay some money he owed me. he had left some things at my house and after finding his new victim he must of realised I still had them. I told him I had returned them to his flat and left them outside( I threw them away as I knew this would be the only way I would not contact him again his temper and anger would make sure of that if he knew what I had done.Police felt sorry for him and talked to me as if I was a bunny boiler they came to my house when I was a t work and my son had told them my soc ex had given them to him as a gift but they persuaded my son to give them back with “consent” as they later told me so they could diffuse the situation . he just had to get the last knife in the back for me. this has angered me more than leaving him as the police refererred to him being the victim. finding it hard to sleep I know what he is know just felt pity for him I am a compassionate person helped him find a flat after he staked out in my shed in the garden whne he was homeless we weren’t even together but I still felt sorry for him. furnished his flat he was sleeping on the floor no one else helped him fed him sorted his life out basically. he found new girl 2 days after professing his love for me took her to his newly furnished flat and told her he was just out of a relationship with a bad woman. me! he would of never of been able to take a woman to that pit if hadn’t of helped him but I guess that was his goal. just take to take purely manipulated stuff from me still had furniture from my late father which he refuses to return ( feel bad as my father tried to warn me of his cheating but I just took at his was interering.!!!! regret I didn’t listen the relationship his in now is with my siters best friend , me and my sister fell out so this is another dig at me. feel everyones laughing at me to them they think I lost a good man and I must of been stupid but only I know the truth but he’s convincing overyone that I;m tha bad one who’s gonna believe I would do all them things for a man so he can lie and say he done it all himself. I feel embarrassed that this parasite took advnantage and revels in the glory like he made it happen. first thing I heard is oh he has a lovely flat all done my me painting decorating furnsishing. I let go but angry at myself. was lonelyintorovert so this soc had a good victim. how do these feelings go away got a six month wait for therapy. put my kids through hell to stay with this guy when even they could see what a liar and cheat he was. feeling bad and depressed but I cant change the past how do I make it right with my kids how do I apologise for the hurt I caused them for not protecting them too!!!!
I recently parted from sociopath last straw is when I told him it was over he went to my mum and told her he loved me and I was wrong to finish with him . he told her all the stuff we talked about secret stuff even convinced her I was the crazy one he was the victim. still did not want him back so he went to the police after I asked him to repay some money he owed me. he had left some things at my house and after finding his new victim he must of realised I still had them. I told him I had returned them to his flat and left them outside( I threw them away as I knew this would be the only way I would not contact him again his temper and anger would make sure of that if he knew what I had done.Police felt sorry for him and talked to me as if I was a bunny boiler they came to my house when I was a t work and my son had told them my soc ex had given them to him as a gift but they persuaded my son to give them back with “consent” as they later told me so they could diffuse the situation . he just had to get the last knife in the back for me. this has angered me more than leaving him as the police refererred to him being the victim. finding it hard to sleep I know what he is know just felt pity for him I am a compassionate person helped him find a flat after he staked out in my shed in the garden whne he was homeless we weren’t even together but I still felt sorry for him. furnished his flat he was sleeping on the floor no one else helped him fed him sorted his life out basically. he found new girl 2 days after professing his love for me took her to his newly furnished flat and told her he was just out of a relationship with a bad woman. me! he would of never of been able to take a woman to that pit if hadn’t of helped him but I guess that was his goal. just take to take purely manipulated stuff from me still had furniture from my late father which he refuses to return ( feel bad as my father tried to warn me of his cheating but I just took at his was interering.!!!! regret I didn’t listen the relationship his in now is with my siters best friend , me and my sister fell out so this is another dig at me. feel everyones laughing at me to them they think I lost a good man and I must of been stupid but only I know the truth but he’s convincing overyone that I;m tha bad one who’s gonna believe I would do all them things for a man so he can lie and say he done it all himself. I feel embarrassed that this parasite took advnantage and revels in the glory like he made it happen. first thing I heard is oh he has a lovely flat all done my me painting decorating furnsishing. I let go but angry at myself. was lonelyintorovert so this soc had a good victim. how do these feelings go away got a six month wait for therapy. put my kids through hell to stay with this guy when even they could see what a liar and cheat he was. feeling bad and depressed but I cant change the past how do I make it right with my kids how do I apologise for the hurt I caused them for not protecting them too!!!!
I recently parted from sociopath last straw is when I told him it was over he went to my mum and told her he loved me and I was wrong to finish with him . he told her all the stuff we talked about secret stuff even convinced her I was the crazy one he was the victim. still did not want him back so he went to the police after I asked him to repay some money he owed me. he had left some things at my house and after finding his new victim he must of realised I still had them. I told him I had returned them to his flat and left them outside( I threw them away as I knew this would be the only way I would not contact him again his temper and anger would make sure of that if he knew what I had done) . he called the Police on me and they fsided with him . male ego I guess and talked down to me as if I was a bunny boiler they came to my house when I was a t work and my son had told them my soc ex had given the items to him as a gift but they persuaded my son to give them back with “consent” as they later told me. so they could diffuse the situation . he was threatening suicide with all that i had put him through !!! he just had to get the last knife in the back for me. this has angered me more than leaving him as the police refererred to him being the victim. finding it hard to sleep. I know what he is now. but i just felt pity for him. tears and woe is me was his favourite mask. I am a compassionate person helped him find a flat after he staked out in my shed in the garden when he was homeless we weren’t even together but I still felt sorry for him. furnished his flat he was sleeping on the floor no one else helped him fed him sorted his life out basically. he found new girl 2 days after professing his love for me took her to his newly furnished flat and told her he was just out of a relationship with a bad woman. me! he would of never of been able to take a woman to that pit if hadn’t of helped him but I guess that was his goal. he was just take to take. purely manipulated stuff from me, still has furniture from my late father which he refuses to return. police told me and informed him that I would have to go to court to get my stuff back!!! ( feel bad as my father tried to warn me of his cheating but I just took at his was interfering.!!!! regret I didn’t listen the relationship his in now is with my sisters best friend , me and my sister fell out so this is another dig at me. feel everyone’s laughing at me. to them – they think I threw away a good man his charm fooled even professionals . early in the “relationship” he gave me a std. even convinced the health worker to book me an appointment to see gynaecologist to have baby with him as that was why he had cheated, cos I would’nt give him a child. he convinced her his love for me was real , his tears fooled her too. didn’t have baby by him. my head was not totally in the clouds he could;nt look after himself so now way could he care for baby. I must of been stupid but only I know the truth. but he’s real good at convincing everyone that I’m that bad one who’s gonna believe I would do all them things for a man and allow this sort of behaviour why would any woman stay with a man as bad as that. he can lie and say he did everything for himself. I feel embarrassed that this parasite took advantage and revels in the glory like he made it happen. first thing I heard about him was “oh he has a lovely flat” all done my me painting decorating furnsishing!!!!!!!. I let go but angry at myself. was lonely/introvert. so it was easy to isolate me. so this soc had a good victim. how do these feelings go away got a six month wait for therapy. put my kids through hell to stay with this guy when even they could see what a liar and cheat he was. feeling bad and depressed but I cant change the past how do I make it right with my kids how do I apologise for the .hurt I caused them for not protecting them too!!!! I live in a small town and feel everyones talking about me as being crazy. he smoked a lot of dope and mixed with all the crazies in town who think the same and are the same as him parasites I walk away many times because of this but always he say he left them people behind never did though always at one of his “new friends houses he never kept friends for long guess they tired of this sponger quicker than me.!!! I try to hold my head high but just wish i’d never met him.haven’t seen him about town. but hate seeing people he knows as I know he’s been telling lies about me . I always get a look from them of disgust that I could treat this man so bad. I know they way he has portrayed me guess his holed up with his new love suffocating her with his intense love just feeding off her and sponging her money on food and drink .to have cosy nights in.. his got another free ride literally. always said he wanted his “woman to drive him around. this way he won’t bump into all those other women who he owes money to or caught him out in his lies. he’s just like a snake he can stay under that rock of a new young girl and feed and ruin her life. gut instinct should of got me out of there sooner than it did, but he chose his prey wisely. fed and fed until there was nothing left. but i’m down but not beaten . dreams are only dreams with that type of guy and reality has to surface and freedom is like a breath air. but the destruction along the way has a long way to heal and rebuild.. here helps to now i’m not crazy but who do you speak to . family and friends would never understand as I was never a pushover but this guy did a good job on me. will trust in time