Welcome hitgirl! This site has really helped me through the last few weeks after my breakup! I hope that you can find the same support throughout your journey as I have. Some days are good….some are bad. It helps knowing there are people here who understand what you’re going through. We are always here to help!!
Ok ladies I’m having a weak moment, I want to text him…..but I know he won’t answer…I heard our favorite song on my IPOD, yep I cried like a baby…I wish this time of year would hurry and pass..
Nessa
Dont be hard on yourself, nessa! This is tough stuff to get through, especially when they dont give us the closure we need to move on. Take your time and be patient with yourself…it wont feel this way forever, promise!
I caved. I went by his store today. He was mean as usual. Left a note. He never replied. It’s ok. I actually went out. Has a guy who likes me make me dinner for my birthday. His landlord where he rents a room from made a cheesecake too. I actually found myself enjoying things. I looked around and realized there was no pressure. No guy being a lunatic drunk. No drama! And this guy knows what I been thru and understands that we aren’t “there” for anything hot n heavy. I did let him kiss me. Which was intimidating at first. But he was a total gentleman. His landlord was hilarious. She’s an older lady and just a hoot! On the way home I thought wow I just a normal evening. I didn’t have that when my ex was home! Anyway he invited me to meet up tomorrow after church and I think I will. I’m more comfortable now than the first few times seeing him. I think the biggest hurdle at feeling again is the feeling of cheating on my ex. Or knowing if I choose this guy then I’m officially letting go of my ex. It’s hard bc of trust too. This guys daughter and son were texting him and I was really uncomfortable wondering if it was like my ex had w all these other people texting when he was hiding them from me. But at least I took baby steps. I miss my ex but if he wants to ignore me then so be it. I will get my life back. Even better than before.
I am not sure why I can’t reply directly to “jusagirl” above right below your post, but I can’t. but what I wanted to say was, jusagirl, that is interesting about the laryngitis. My daughter too is a talented singer, that was her ex-boyfriend’s first compliment/comment/pickup line to her, that she sings like an “angel” (which she does). I am sorry about your voice, I pray you feel better soon. I can always tells when my daughter is feeling happy, because she sings, wherever and whatever she is doing. We can hear it all through the house. 🙂 I appreciate your comment on spiritual warfare, I do believe you are correct. God has given us so much insight, so much comfort through all this. Mental illness, which is what I understand sociopathy to be, if viewed through a spiritual lens, can be understood on a number of different levels. If you believe in any kind of supernatural realm, you can see how for centuries many have believed it to be a symptom of a kind of spiritual sickness/attack.
I do believe in God and spiritual warfare. I don’t want to offend anyone with my beliefs, but it’s what has gotten me through all of this. I know that he carried me through the last several months and when I prayed for him to get him out of my life…boom he did and (my soc) showed his true colors so it was easy…the burden was lifted off of me. Keep praying for his protection and guidance.
I do too Nessa! I honestly believe God delivered my daughter from what could have been a much more horrifying situation simply because she has family and friends who love her and pray for her general well-being on a regular basis. There weren’t specific prayers because none of us even realized the danger she was in, but thankfully God knows even when we don’t. It is encouraging to hear that you too feel His guidance and love.
Ha! My ex used to say
“You know what your biggest problem is, you don’t know when to shut that cock holster mouth of yours”
I got chills reading this comment. Because I know and remember too well how painful it has been.
I promise that it will get easier. I wish I could give you a hug.
It’s not easy and I text him last night I’m not even sure why, maybe just out of habit he responded hours later. I didn’t respond and went on with my unaffected he creeps into my head many times and honestly when u read a comment I post it’s because I’m having a weak moment and need to re focus If you count how many times I’ve posted you can see that it hasn’t been a smooth road to recovery but I’m on my way and you will too. Everyone is here for you.
I often lost my voice when I was with my Soc & it’s because your emotions are in your throat.
If you suppress your truth your voice goes 😦
I realized this years ago so, started speaking up to my Soc, he didn’t like it but, kept him around as I became a challenge again 😦
I haven’t had laryngitis since.
Speak your truth, now the truth & you will heal 🙂
I appreciate that, but there is no one to tell. He doesn’t hear me. If I decide to interact with him, I have to accept what he is/isn’t.
I’ll be honest, I’m still stuck, although I’m over waiting for him. I see how it is and I am actively moving on for myself and that part is relieving. I’m not ready to never see him yet though.
Him being able to use me is an impossibility…he knows that as well and is trying to respect my boundaries (and has said as much). Him hurting me, wasting my time or delaying me, however, is still a possibility.
Until you leave this game you will continue to suffer 😦
Remember his behavior is abnormal & you are trying to be normal so, your mind & body are always at odds.
It’s your heart & your head so, don’t give your power over to him…he will keep you as his possession forever if you let him?
Mine did 😦
Love PR xoxo
Hi PR,
I gave your comments about the truth a lot of thought. If I’m real, I have to say I love him. He knows it as I admitted it, and I decided it awhile back. I also have to say, now I know he returns to another, I can’t continue this (I tried to put a stop to it immediately; obviously, it hasn’t been as easy as just willing it). Admitting this to myself did make the difference, PR. I am better today. I began my exercise routine again and, though a tough start, felt even better afterwards.
I don’t know how I am going to accomplish this as he has already drawn me in. In the past, I say the things I do to a man, and ask the “right” questions so I avoid going down futile paths. He alone knew I was being led astray, but he didn’t care enough about me to prevent it—the first betrayel. I am angry about that. He told me once that he felt he didn’t deserve me, but then he decided that he did. How did he come to that conclusion when he knew he couldn’t meet my requirements? It’s generally at that point that a guy says, “I wish I could be that for you, but I can’t.” It saves us both a lot of time and heartache. That didn’t happen here.
I feel an unfair ownership of burden with this. I previously felt this was more mutual, but I see now how it hasn’t been. He took an unfair advantage and that must be the very definition of “using” someone. Whether he still wants me now is irrelevant. There is no choice for me but an ultimatum if I desire him, and because he returns to someone else, that completely compromises me and effectively hurts her! Why have I *not* felt he alone is to blame? I struggle in my feelings today and feel like I am in a lose-lose situation.
P.S. My voice is much better today as a result… first day in about 2 weeks of seeing no progress.
HI Jus 🙂
You are not alone & you must stop blaming yourself for being party to the abuse. You gave him your love but, at no time did you give him permission to abuse, use or take you for granted 😦
This is what he has done & it’s really hard to get over this fact 😦
To the Soc you are a source of supply for whatever & the OW is also 😦
You must continue to fight for yourself & your sanity as you will roller-coaster
up & down emotionally, always questioning yourself, re-examining the minute details of conversations, re-visiting the good times & hoping for a glimmer.
What you really want to do is wake-up from the nightmare that is a relationship with a Soc….the never ending torture of just not being enough for him to see the light 😦
I was always hoping I was the one for him until I realized there were many of us
‘ONES’ but, we are just a means to an end for the Soc.
The Soc is number One & he is selfish & doesn’t care about how awful you feel 😦
So all I can say Little One 🙂 is that you must keep pushing past the blackness & just work on the healing 🙂
It’s hard as the Soc invades the memory cells in your body as well as your heart & head.
Truth is there is no happy ever after with a Soc, just more self doubt & sadness. You know that the choice is yours 🙂
Your voice will get better I promise & you’ll be back to normal soon 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
PR, I was going to say something similar about the throat chakra, good call and much appreciated from me as a reminder of my own throat issues with my ex…..you’re a blessing here, thank you very, very much!
I had laryngitis a lot especially, in the first few years with my Soc.
I had done Reiki & was told this 🙂
Love PR x
He drove by my house today. He has no reason to be in my part of town. I was one minute away from being face to face in the shop. I was pulling out just as he pulled in. He was alone. Made eye contact.. I looked nonchalant and felt nothing but quite shaky when I got home. I had been terrified this day .. afraid of him. Seeing him took alot of that away. I’m calmer he got scary in my imagination. But I keep seeing him driving around aimlessly in his truck. Hes alone. Took an ativan too… got rid of that tension in my chest. Thats the worst!!
Hi FS,
That’s anxiety in your chest & that feeling is not normal as the ‘fight or flee’ instinct has kicked in.
You shouldn’t have to feel like this but, it’s par for the course of confrontation after an event like you’ve had 😦
How do you really feel about seeing him now you have had time to research, learn & share?
You really can do so much better than him so, start believing in yourself 🙂
That feeling will eventually go but, not while he is still around physically & mentally 😦
Be Strong & Brave, don’t look back your future & better things are ahead of you 🙂
I feel smug when I see him lol he knows I’m not home boohooing. I am angry he gets whatever he wants. He is very financially successful so not sure if that is mandatory.. do you have to broke ass to be a sociopath? Hes got money…a young new gf… he will have a house soon.. I don’t know. It pisses me off. Whether or not he will ever be happy… I don’t know. Not my business I guess.
Hi FS, mine was very wealthy & has moved onto another OW with millions!
My Soc is a very greedy man in more ways than one!
Just keep focusing on yourself as money does not buy health so, the Soc’s will have Karma visit soon enough. Their lifestyle catches up with them, don’t worry as ‘every dog has its day’!
He will always have regrets he is terrible at decisiin making and through his lies and inability to choose life he ends up not choosing a woman but picking from whomever choose him. He is vain..shalliw ..obsessed with brand name clothing (total opposite of me) and is very cheap when it comes to sharing or buying something. Lol. Bizarro.
Ditto on the women left standing after he’s wreaked havoc & the brand name clothing etc…they must all have to be led even to what they buy, can’t make a decision themselves etc…just copy others or trends…figures with the mirroring & copying etc…gleaning info & regurgitating stuff back up….they are really just big fakes!
LOL at least we are original & authentic 🙂
Do you think it’s possible for someone to have sociopathic behaviors, but not be truly sociopathic? Is the fact that my daughter’s ex-boyfriend is still so young the reason he is so transparent in what he is doing? Or is it just that once you are on to their game, it’s really not as hard to discern? The watershed moment for me in terms of finally 100% believing that this guy is a sociopath (or has strong characteristics of it) was when I realized that all the mental energy I had been putting in to trying to understand why he did what he did was wasted because I was trying as a “normal” person to understand truly abnormal (mentally ill) behavior. Yet at times there is still a part of me that can’t believe he’s truly sociopathic — maybe because it scares me to see what havoc he has already been able to wreak on others in his young life, and I worry about what may be in store for his future victims. It still amazes me how much damage he did to my daughter in just 2 short months. 😦
It has been almost ten years since mine left and married someone else out of the blue. There was no closure or goodbye, he was just gone one day. When he saw me in public, as we knew a lot of the same people, he would ignore me and everyone around us noticed. I was very young and very naive and I fell for everything. He became the center of my life and my only support. We were set up by mutual friends, and when things got really bad they all refused to talk to me. I am now married to a wonderful man and our relationship is very healthy, but I carried around those scars for so long. I found this site and now I feel free. I don’t know why. Maybe because after all these years I finally understand that it was not my fault and I was in fact a victim of abuse. I kept asking myself over and over how I could let it happen and why I didn’t just leave when I realized things weren’t right. He was always preaching trust and honesty and how important those things are, and how life is all about choices, and if you choose to stay with someone and things go wrong, then it’s all your fault. I feel like I am seeing the whole terrible situation with new eyes. I told my husband last night, “I think he was actually a sociopath and I was abused.” He nodded as if he knew it before I did. I apologized for holding on to that pain and grief, because any time I do that a piece of me is absent from my husband and the things that truly matter. I will no longer give my thoughts or energy away to this person who took so much from me. It is in the past. I am so thankful I found this site. I have talked to several therapists about this over the years, not one even suggested he might have been a sociopath. I want to call him and demand a check for all those appointments! I wanted revenge for years, now I am glad I never bothered.
Glad it was only 2 months of influence, but understand that’s still 2 months too long. I think you’re doing the right thing by not showing her the site, thus perhaps triggering obsession over something she may be able to more easily overcome by staying busy with other interests. She sounds like a lovely, normal girl so, hopefully, her youthful resilience will help her move on with things more worthy of her time. Must be soooo painful to observe this as a parent though.
It has been hard to watch her struggle. I think she is on the right path for the most part however and she does have a lot to keep her busy. When I get angry about it I remind myself of how fortunate we are that she had this experience while she was still living with us and we are able to walk beside her through it. I shudder to think what might have happened had she met this boy or someone like him while she was away at college — she is a senior in high school this year so we have this final year with her still under our roof. Now at least she knows what to look for, since apparently there are more sociopaths walking among us than one would think! I would certainly not have believed it possible for her to encounter one at her young age, and in such a relatively small town.
I had to move from a very large city to meet mine in a comparatively smaller city too.
I just want to say a big Thank you to all of you who post here. I am in the throws of separation with mine, and we go a week, and then there is contact. It is truly difficult, but you girls give me hope and strength…….I know I will get away from him, but its just the process………and I am not good at the not responding, it seems to make me focus on him more.
I want to forgive him and myself and find some one new.
So Thank you for being my support and my rock.
I read your posts and am so grateful.
Welcome, you will find this site refreshing and comforting. I to just want to email him and give him me revelation that he is a complete and utter ass and a sociopath. I also would like to tell him that his looks, and charm are going to eventually succumb to his age ..he’s now 47 and has a gray goatee ( he hates that). Ha Ha Ha! Sorry just had to be a little sarcastic!
Nessa
I believe God/the universe attracts to you the things that bring what you don’t know—but need to—to your attention, and you can disregard or acknowlege them. Used to, when I joined a place of work, I always knew immediately who was having an affair. I thought this was a real curse since nobody wants you to know that! I also would “happen upon” people doing compromised things at just the right time to be exposed, often my observations were undetected. Other people often find that tendency scary about me, but I know it’s not about me. I know I’m supposed to know for different reasons, and it generally ends up testing my own morality. With the sociopath, I had a couple overt early signs, but they were so bizzare, I wondered whether I was over-thinking. To counter this, I believe God sent a series of songs that perfectly mirrored what was happening to me—right thing at the perfect moment, alternative delivery method. I don’t believe we come looking for this blog by accident either.
You have no idea go badly I needed to hear those words today. My ex texted me today to come and get the last of his stuff and I’m devastated. I can’t face him nor can I leave his stuff outside. I have his dog and he’s giving me checks for the money he owes me and he refuses to leave them outside I’ve tried. So I’m left trying to find someone to deal with him Friday night when he comes to my house. If I see him it will just start everything all over again for me and I can’t go backwards….the pain is nearly driving me mad. He carries on with his life and I’m left here just feeling used. I should be happy he doesn’t contact me for anything other that his stuff. But in a way it’s also painful knowing he doesn’t think of me while I’m miserable despite the lies and the cheating. I thought I was so much better but obviously not 😕
I am not sure who you are responding to/
Please remember you are dealing with a Soc not a normal person 😦
You gave him your love but, he doesn’t feel love, more an attachment or a possessiveness towards you.
The Soc only ‘loves?’ them self so, it’s not you it’s him!
You are better but he is not worthy of YOU.
The Soc will tell you he loves you just to get what he wants & that is what F@#ks with your mind!
In a normal relationship that ends for cheating or the love goes you at least know that at some point it existed but, the knowledge that it never did with the Soc & that you are just a supply source is devastating 😦
You are not alone & these mind f*@kers are the worse kind 😦
YOU work on you healing from within & it’s going to be worth it but, it does take a lot of strength….dig deep now & save your soul 🙂
Thank you PR. I have really bad days where I can’t even get out of bed and days that I’m so angry I hate him. I rely so much on all of the words of strength that you girls give! I hope there will come a day that I can just forget the horrible experience and not think that all men are this way. I definitely have had my eyes opened though. A big THANK YOU to all the posters here. You have no idea how much the words you say influence the people here who are suffering. Still wishing everyone the best!!
I can only imagine how you must feel. I think the agony comes from just internally crying out for this to be something other than what it is, and for him to finally honor you as you deserve. Unfortunately, your internal conflict is spot on though, in that you know that won’t/can’t happen because of who/what he is. I guess that’s why not seeing/talking to them is better. But I’m much better at getting through your situation than my own (just ask PR), so all I can say is I feel for you.
Jus 🙂
Your doing well & helping others is a great healing tool 🙂
PR xoxo
Yes, Jusa…I just feel like Im in a constant battle for my sanity these days. I spend hours crying over someone that could give a shit about all the things hes done to hurt me and I have no clue why I cant just learn to hate him and get past it! I feel so pathetic. Luckily I do have friends who try to lift me up but lately all I see is the negatives in life. Yesterday I didnt even care if I was here or not anymore….but the love for my 3 year old outweighs all my negativity.. He keeps me going when it hurts too bad. And I know i deserve better…we all do. I’m just having a hard time lately.
I used to have strong days….and I dont anymore. Everyday is filled with anxiety and sadness (yes I have medication…doesnt really help)
I had to contact him yesterday to change the time of when he could come and get his things because my friend needed a later time. Then he texted me ok, then asked why…then asked if he could come and get his stuff yesterday. I just didnt respond bc Im trying to keep NC. Then a few hours later he said he guessed since I was ignoring him that my answer was no. Then after work he just texted “ugh” then something about an eye dr appt and he has something wrong with his eye…I really dont care but the texts drive me crazy! I just didnt know any other way to change the time for today. And he doesnt usually text me anyway so I guess it has been good not hearing from him but yesterday was too hard.
Im hoping that with his things removed Ill start to heal not that he even has that much stuff at my house anymore. And Im so upset with myself that some items I want to keep because I gave him about $4000. Hes giving me post dated checks til I’m paid off but Im sure they will not be good for very long. So I think I need to keep his golf clubs or his fridge so that I can recoup some of my money when the checks go bad. But then I start to think its just better to let these items go. I suppose I just dont want to feel that hes laughing behind my back thinking Im being stupid for thinking the checks will be good…but I have no other choice! I, like Positiva, will be losing my home soon to divorce, and Im drowning in debt as well and just really need all the money I can get. And I feel so f’ing stupid for helping him…even though it was “for our future”. He completely sold me the lie of a life together and moving in to his house when I lost mine. Now I feel hopeless with no plan and no money. I know that a lot of you have come back from this and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry to ramble…sometimes it just flows out. And this is about day 5 of the nonstop crying and sadness. Trying to be strong for my son but it seems to be getting more and more difficult instead of easier. And its not even because my ex is bothering me or trying to get me back. H’es never even acted like he cared since the day I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore. I’m sure counseling would help but its really not an option as insurance wont cover and I cant afford it. So thanks for your sympathy Jusa…means a lot that someone cares….just wish it would get easier…
Hi Brandy,
It is painful to hear about him worrying about his eye appt. when you have such larger issues from the fallout of trusting him. I too have had to learn that no one else is my solution. Once I accepted that, it became easier to plan my course.
A very good friend once taught me to look at worst case, as unpleasant as that may sound, in a bad situation. Once you have accepted that as a possibility, you can plan for it and, even if it happens, it will be no shock to you and you are already ready for the next step above wherever you may be at. The same friend taught me to then create a plan A, a plan B, and if possible, a plan C. I have had much to dig out of in my lifetime. But in an effort to give you some hope, I will tell you that, when I went back to the goal list I created with my friend, and looked at those “impossible dreams” we had outlined so many years earlier, I was shocked to discover I had already achieved over 75% of them…even the toughest, most seemingly unattainable that others might envy. Once we put it into print, and it became a part of my mind’s direction, I believe, is when it became reality only left to be worked through tactically. I didn’t even know it was happening, as it was part of my internal roadmap.
As for him (your soc), just his manner of treatment of you reminds me of mine. I always have felt so lost/forgotten with him, like I’m hanging on for any sign of acknowledgement. Who needs that from someone who doesn’t remember to ask if I’m feeling better, or who denies ever doing me any harm? It is extremely unfortunate that the internal script he repeats to himself is not rooted in truth, but in a reality he seems to need to believe to pretend he is the good man he thinks he is. But God and I both know that’s not the truth.
I went through the “holding his things hostage” process too. He got my car towed and impounded and I knew I’d never see the money from that. I finally realized that, while in theory, it made sense I should keep the things in trade for my output of expense, it was making me feel miserable keeping them. Although it was for practical reasons, the motive still felt too close to revenge and ill-willfulness to me, and I couldn’t live with that. I finally gave the stuff back. I didn’t need to tell him he shouldn’t have been even asking for it or that he owed me—he knew that. I have not regretted making that decision as it was very soul-lightening.
These men are not our answers, in any way… we are. I hope you get through this as painlessly as possible, or at least find a renewed strength throughout the difficulty. It’s very brave of you to step away and be so resolute with your no contact decision. It will be over soon. Don’t worry about next steps right now—one problem at a time.
Thank you so much for the videos PR! Today is a good day…but he will be coming Friday to get the rest of his things so I imagine that will be a very difficult day for me. I have his dog so I cant just leave everything outside. But I do intend on asking a friend to come and deal with him so I dont have to see him.
I hate to ask someone else to get involved and I thought earlier I could be strong enough to not let it bother me but I have to be honest with myself and I know seeing him will reopen my trying to heal wounds. He has not tried to contact me other than to get the remainder of his things from my house and I assume its because I finally got the strength to tell him I didnt want to talk to him ever again after finding numerous texts from girls in his phone. Just the night before he loved me and if I didnt come over he was gonna kill himself…just a reason to get me to his house and unfortunately it worked. :(.
So I am hoping with all of his things removed from my house that I will get some closure. I told him that it must be nice to only care about his things….his response was “my things are all I have” Nice to know that a person in love with him was less important in his life than his posessions. I truly do feel like garbage thrown to the side even though I ultimately ended it. I dont know how they manage that but they do. So everyone please say a prayer to give me strength this Friday so I can rid my life of this coldhearted asshole for good!
Hope everyone is having a good sociopath free day today!! 🙂
xoxo
Hi Brandy,
Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t come Friday, just to play & stall for time etc…keep you in the game until he can come up with a new plan?
Just be prepared & have a counter plan to suggest etc…
Good idea having someone there & he will not like that at all. He will want to get you alone.
Have everything ready to go & do all your healing protections i.e. burn a healing candle, meditate, & most of all be strong 🙂
Don’t take it to heart that you meant nothing to him as he means nothing to himself. He has to rely on others to feel anything & that’s just the way the Soc is unfortunately ;(
We are just sources of supply & possessions & that’s why it’s hard for them to let us go. They hate losing the emotional hold they have over us.
On a good note it’s amazing how great you will feel when you are free of the control & manipulation.
Remember normal people don’t do this & you would never be treated so badly by a normal man 🙂
You should be proud of yourself & stand tall, you have survived & know you are better. You deserve better & you must believe in yourself.
All the good stuff you like in him is YOU, he has mirrored you,until the mask slipped then that was him 😦
No, he’ll come to get his stuff. Its like its the most important thing in the world to him. I told him the other day that it must be nice to only be concerned about his stuff and he just replied “its all I have”. Im glad I have a friend to face him because I can’t start all over again. I just hope he doesnt give her problems because she’s doing me a favor and Im putting her in an awkward position. But I know he could care less to see me so Im sure itll be fine…..will just be sad knowing that its final even though I already know it. And I’m glad.
He had a fiance in another state…multiple dating profiles, and I saw lots of girls texts before I finally told him I was done. I ignored all the red flags…and my gut feelings. So regrettable now but I learned a very valuable lesson. Just wish he hadnt involved my 3 year old son in his mess. I even messaged the fiancé on facebook and she never responded. Im sure he told her I was the crazy one and was stalking him. Sad for her because she has 3 kids of her own. Im working on my story because I think itll help to get it all out in the open. Its crazy as most everyones is! The depths these freaks go to to hide the stuff theyre doing! Unbelievable! Im so glad that I found a way to hack his stuff or I would have never have known!!! Even when I confronted him with all the facts he still looked me right in the eye and said he didnt know what I was talking about! I was in his facebook, emails, dating sites! lol thats when I knew he wasnt normal and I found this site and others and started to understand what he really is.
Thanks for being here for me and everyone else. Its been a great source of support for me and Im sure a lot of other people as well. Helps keep me strong on my weakest days!! Helps that he doesnt contact me which surprises me.. Ive told him 3 times prior to stop texting and this time when i looked him in the face and said it I guess it stuck. I suppose its for knowing so much about what he really is!! But the discard still hurts like hell!!!
Well PR…you were exactly right. He called 15 minutes prior to the time he was supposed to be here to say he had to work over (its a 45 minute drive). Really pissed me off seeing as I had a friend set up to give him his things plus I pushed his huge refrigerator outside!!
I dont even know why he called as I haven’t answered any texts except when he could get his stuff. I do feel kinda in control today with the NC thing….despite the fact that he’s only concerned with his things. I read a post on here to set up a date and time for him to come and just pick his stuff up outside and I think Ill just do that…just not sure what to do with his dog…its almost 100 degrees outside 😦
Awww Brandy 🙂
Discard is hell but, it’s hopefully the release that will free you finally 🙂
Your 3 year old will be okay as he? has you 🙂
It does get easier & yes write & purge & vent as it does wonders 🙂
Especially here as we ‘Get It’ 😦
You can’r save anyone else so, concentrate on YOU & the rest will follow 🙂
Be Brave & Be Happy, It truly is the best revenge 🙂
Awe Brandy, I don’t know your full story, but from the little you wrote, I can relate 100%. I too, made the mistake of bringing him around my (then) 3 year-old son. My gut told me (yeah my gut instincts knew this guy was a piece of shit and to run) not to bring him around too often around my son, and I’m glad I at least listened to that part of my gut (but when it came to my heart, it was more forgiving…sigh). The sick part of it was, he really had me convinced that he was a good guy because of all his antics. He got along great with my son (but really, how hard is it to get along with an adorable 3 year old?) My spath even spoke of future tense when it came to the child I was carrying….these people really are sick. What sick f**k looks into another’s eyes, and without blinking an eye, tell a complete, big, fat lie? Normal people who lie, give away themselves through body language, and most could not look another person straight in the eye and lie easily.
Although I still question the past occasionally (this is getting a little better), I now am at the acceptance stage where I try to look at it as a lesson and it’s time to move on. I’ve given him too many pages in my book of life. I need to end the chapter, and move on to the next.
And my son? Never mentioned him, asked about him, and I never pressed the issue and I’m glad. I think my son forgot about him, and now momma’s going to do the same.
Don’t worry, give it time, go through the emotions but don’t let it bring your whole world down. Reflect, evaluate, learn and keeping going forward…one day at a time…
Thank you PR..You and the others have been a great source of strength for me even when I feel like giving up. Im just so tired of being miserable I cant stand it anymore. I try to focus on me but this has brought my self esteem down to zero. And idk how to get even the tiniest shred back….I just think that with all the things I’m going through (divorce, losing my house, bills i cant pay) with this on top it;s overwhelming me and becoming too much to deal with.
Yes my son will be fine…as I told Lenore my son didnt like him much at all but still he brought his games into our home and that’s not right. The only thing my son is sad about is that he will be coming to get his dog. I keep explaining that the dog will be going to live with my ex and he just tells me no. So hopefully he wont be too sad when he takes his dog tonight.
My ex also has custody of his nephew and my son really liked him…. l and he always asks to go play with him still so that’s tough bc he doesn’t understandl. Hopefully one day soon he’ll start to forget. And i dont even know why he took custody of him anyway. His nephew stayed at my ex’s house with his sister and he rarely even went to see him. So sad.
Remember stay strong today. No more tears for this sociopath. He doesn’t deserve you.
And thank you Lenore and Wish as well. I know he doesnt but for some reason its killing me inside. Yes Lenore he lived with me and my son for seven months….and my son couldn’t stand him! I should’ve seen that as a sign. I just thought that this wasn’t his dad so thats why he didnt care for my ex…and the most painful thing my ex told me after we broke up was that while he was in the house he just wished my son had stayed in his room all the time…my son NEVER spoke to him. In the rare instances my ex picked him up he would go immediately to his room and stay there til I got home. He only spoke to my ex when I tried to get him to talk to him. . I know kids can be a little much but my son never even bothered him and to say that to me was awful. And thats still not enough for me to get past what he’s done to me!!!! Im so frustrated!!
I know he has someone else and she has 3 kids. He says they’re just friends but I know better. They used to be engaged and he still goes to see her regularly. And I know we arent supposed to compare ourselves to their new victims but she has 3 kids and he couldnt stand my one?? Plus when I would give him money I found out he was going on trips with her and her kids when they were supposed to be guys trips. He tells me she paid but I feel like Im the one who paid for them to be together and it kills me because he didnt pay for shit while we were together!! So idk why he would use me and not her? Thats how I feel anyway…. I just dont get it…and I know I never will. Tha’ts the hard part.
You can’t even begin to understand their ways, since you have a heart. Mine had 5 kids (4 from one mom-who were all being raised by his mom; then 1-from another who he hated her mom). He had 0 emotional attachment to any of them, but tried to play it off as if he did. But looking back, I realized he never cared for them.
Mine always used to bad talk women on welfare…who did he end up marrying? Yep, someone who lives off welfare….They are very calculated and he (your spath) may not be getting money from her now, but he is building a relationship to that once he knows she’ll have it (tax time for example). If not money, then he could be using her for sex, a place to stay, a good meal, etc. Looking back, I realized that he only came around when he was bored and wanted something different to do. It had nothing to do with me. At the time, I thought he liked me (since that’s what normal people do: surround themselves with people they like), but after analyzing everything, nope! He was just killing time with me all while we were having amazing sex, I fed him, took care of him in a sense….
Give it time, you will get better…not over night, but you will get better, I promise! I know how you feel though, you wish you could just snap your fingers and be done with him already. There’s a saying, “Sometimes it takes your heart longer to know what your mind does.” I’ve learned through this experience that I have a HEAVY heart. In the future, I’m not going to give out my love so freely. This was a bitter lesson for me and my poor heart. Keep your head up!!! We are here for you and know you will have good days and you will have bad days, but at the end, you will succeed!!!
Hi Brandy,
I am not sure where I am up to with posts back to you as being in a different time zone & a day ahead gets hard to keep track 🙂
I do want to tell you something to give you hope (hopefully 🙂
I was left for another woman after 19 years of a very rocky marriage (Prior to the Soc).
My husband (ex) walked out one day & on with his new love instantly( she was a friend of mine & the receptionist in our business) without warning 😦
It was my son’s 6th birthday & 3 weeks before Xmas, I have two children & my daughter was 11 then.
He left me with a massive mortgage, no money, debt’s oh & two shattered children. He stood & watched them crying (absolutely shattered them)
I was up all night with them sobbing, we slept together that night & even in their sleep they cried 😦
I then had to sell my house, car, move to another suburb miles away etc…all on my own. I had to work & keep the children in their routines.
It was awful & hard but, I had to keep going for them.
At the same time my elderly father fell & broke his wrist & ankle so, had that Xmas in a hospital 😦
I had help from friends & family but, my ex did very little, just wanted his share of the property sale!
I am telling you this because I know how hard it is when you lose everything but, I also know it’s survivable 🙂
Keep going, each day you open your eyes & take a big deep breath & pull yourself up & move.
I promise that it gets better but, it’s like swimming in mud & you’ll sink but, come up & try again, that’s all you can do.
I then ran head long into my Soc LOL, but, we all know how that ended!
I am here & so are all these other great, smart, witty, beautiful people 🙂
It’s going to be okay 🙂
oh my gosh oh my gosh!!!! For all you spiritual ladies: This is a free online seminar that JUST started 15 minutes ago!! It’s about love! it’s so great! Sorry I just posted it, but I found it 2 minutes before it started! Anyway, its 75 minutes long! Hope you get a chance to listen! http://evolvingwisdom.com/callingintheone/online-seminar/
I’m going to try and see if there’s a replay of this, thanks MMF, you’re awesome!!!
BTW, My Soc is back in town. I’ve been reading all your posts all along, trying to absorb the info and figure out what is the right thing to do. He keeps texting and calling and promising he will change, that he just felt overwhelmed with the kids, that he will get his own place, a stable job, yadda yadda. On the other end is his mom telling me she is grieving about having a son with a mental illness. Then he texts me that his mom sabotaged his family (i’m assuming he means me and the boys, but he could be talking about his ex and his daughter). He says that his mom has held a grudge against him from his antics as a teenager, but that he has in fact grown. I don’t know what to think at this point, because I could see both sides. This is so weird. Like a tug and pull. Argh!!!
He’s gaming you & his mother, all part of the Soc behavior routine.
Listen to your heart & remember what he’s done & the spin you’ve been in….
normal people don’t do this ever!!!
Any chance he’s NOT a Soc?? What if I just tried one….more…time….I feel like now that I have all this info, I could spot any problems immediately and confirm or deny my suspicions. At arm’s length, of course. I wouldn’t let him move back in. I would just let him date me. And only if he satisfies all of my other needs, like his being independent living on his own, paying for the dates (which would be new), going back to school, etc etc.. I repeat, AAARGGHHHH!!!
MM,
They are always a step ahead, and they have the advantage that they don’t feel anything. The experience of everyone here is the same, give them a chance and they will take it to make everything uglier and more confusing… Im not kidding. So, please…take care of yourself
PS MM, my story is on My Story section back on June 14th….I kept my life separate from my Soc & did lots of stuff but, he has still devastated me by his behavior etc….I had no idea that these types existed until now 😦
It’s time to face reality as he’ll never be truly with YOU 😦
You are worth so much more, believe in yourself & don’t compromise just for the hope it will get better….it will only be temporary 😦
It’s your life but, after being with one unknowingly for 10 years & going around & around then good luck….it’s not a game for you but, it will be for him & you cannot win ever 😦
He views you with detachment whilst your natural state will be challenged & then you will be mind F#*ked all over again (sorry to be blunt) but, that is the reality 😦
Good Luck & remember normal does not do this drama etc…normal is boring sometimes but, at least it’s real 🙂
Hey PR et all. Here’s something to get our minds off our Socs tonight. I just mowed my yard and got attacked by a swarm of yellow jackets!!!!!! I HHHUUURRRTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!
If you give their “game” a name it will be something like “circle”, you will never know the rules of the game, only that he wins when he get back to step one and make you one of the pieces of his game…
Yes NMI 🙂
I likened my ‘game’ to Chess all the kings men etc…sacrifice the pawns, then one by one & only the King is left standing!!
I relayed this example to the OW as she was the new Queen & I told her she would eventually be sacrificed for the King! 😦
No one ever wins against the soul-less as the game is never fair & my Soc even cheated at Chess!
There’s a way to win the pit game…when we understand that they dont have the rope or the ladder, only each one of us have it and it’s our responsibility to ensure that we used it…
Today is 40 days since he left for the ? (I lost the count) time.
Everyday I feel stronger, I look at me with amazement, as if I was hiding or lost for so much time…
So please, give yourself the gift of time without them and I’m sure everyone of you will find the best treasure…yourself.
This is an interesting point, that we hold the key/power ultimately for our decisions. My soc, mostly in defense of himself, has also declared this.
Indulge me a moment of conjecture about something I’ve been thinking throughout this journey… I’ve often asked myself if his presence in my life has been meant to serve to hold up a mirror to myself…on purpose—to reflect back to me my own reactions and uncover bad behaviors that might’ve laid somewhat dormant and only come out at rare, inopportune times (thus making the lack of repetitivity harder to learn from).
I’m not saying the soc’s behaviors haven’t been wrong, I’m just saying I have indeed been forced to also take a look at myself. I have apologized for the poor responses I have been responsible for, whether I felt he triggered them or not, and I think that is the right thing, to stop those behaviors in myself, whatever he is or isn’t doing to provoke them.
We read that God can use whatever instrument gets the job done. If we don’t let them ruin us, or change us into something ill that we weren’t previously, they become a tool in getting us to the next level of our own personal growth. No denial from me it is a slippery slope, in that a person can get lost in a churn, possibly even for a lifetime. I guess the question is, what is acceptable to us, and how high do we want to live?
Hi All 🙂
I wrote this to my Soc just after I found out his “game”,
I titled it ‘The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword’ I hope you enjoy it 🙂
It has been very cathartic, recalling so many indicators & my role in the duplicitous life that you lead.
In fact it has also been very amusing ;0)
Firstly I am obviously not happy with you treating me like a mistress (others as well). Without my knowlege!!
Whilst you zeroed in on poor Kerri as the possible wife?
Vulnerable,money & position what a very potent aphrodisiac.
Imagine manipulating this lovely lady who studies human behaviour,what a challenge to break down!
I am still doubtful that this will happen as you have undermined yourself into a very precarious situation & anyone that enters into a marriage with you & the plethora of detected lies is on very thin ice.
Trust is the bedrock of any relationship & that has gone!
I could not imagine entering into a union with someone that has already betrayed my trust & continues to try & redeem themself by downplaying the situation!
Making out that the other party was some charity case that you couldn’t let down is low. Your such a hero!
I bet you also follow a strict routine of behaviour right down to calling all the Bitchies ‘Darling’.
I can hear the mantra once again as I’m sure we all have,
‘I can only be myself with you’
‘If I ever catch you with another man I’ll kill you’ & even in the bedroom,’Your my wife,my possession!’
“Yes husband blah blah!” God that used to make me laugh!
What about a little slap (bit demeaning but,whatever it took to get on with it!). You are very heavy so,it was becoming very uncomfortable & that big belly made other positions very difficult.
I couldn’t be bothered really just knew how to stroke your ego ;0) which is massive! Biggest part of you really!
Funny thing is it’s hysterical & us girls have had a great laugh & will continue to! The next girls weekend will be a best seller!
I never did want anymore than ‘Coffee & Cake’ with you & openly said this too most of my friends. Happy to supply names etc…
to validate my position.
I never betrayed you by sleeping around as I have my self respect but,had more than one offer,only did coffee not cake.
Initially I did think you were someone I wanted to have more with but,as the years rolled on I had decided that this situation suited me down to the ground.
You were right I never did want a commitment or anything from you other than friendship really. THIS IS TRUE!
Don’t care that you didn’t love me as I didn’t love you either but,did like you very much. I know you liked me also!
I could not stand all the constant phone calls & how you had to control all of your family etc…I backed off long ago wanting to be part of that. If your honest then try & think when I last asked to be included in anything. The funeral was out of respect.
Watching your relationship with Jon was enough to put me right off.
Fancy having a grown son being such a “right plonker!”. I am not the only person with this viewpoint!
I also realised that you actually did nothing for me except give me advice (which was sometimes very good but,mostly I just let you lecture me etc…blah,blah).
I do realise my own part in all of this as I had become complacent & was prepared to have my cake & eat it too! ‘Me no complain’.
I didn’t realise how all the so called business trips involved other women but,realise you have to have women around to validate your ego & you need people to do for you. Makes you feel in control.
After all you are a traditional,male chauvinistic pig!
Can’t believe you think you don’t think with your “DICK”, could’ve fooled me. SOZITSA!
I had figured this all out ages ago but,something made me hold it in.
I am responsible for wasting so much time but,it helped me stay focused on my priorities as I never wanted to make choices between a partner & my children.
Still I liked just having my ‘cake’ with no strings attached.
I am proud I have maintained my independence & owe you nothing.
Venting is a great way to heal & even if you don’t read this I still feel much better.
P.S. I hope Kerri is okay as she is a very nice person but,maybe she is not strong enough yet to see the ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’ but,she will be…I would love to be a fly on the wall when that happens!
TRUE!
P.S.S. Think I’ll write a book titled, “Short Man Syndrome” or ” Cock of the Walk!”
I imagine you felt much better after sending this. I too wrote my ex soc, not just once, but several times once I realized he was a soc.
When I found this site and all the explanations, I was able to go back to the very beginning of our involvement and see every single thing he did and said and what his intentions were, it blew my mind! I wrote and told him my findings and how excited I was to FINALLY have the answers I’d been looking for for years! He wasn’t happy and actually acted like a victim and responded with this “Good, glad you found your answers, now maybe you’ll stop bothering me and sending me e-mails”. I was surprised he’d respond at all, figured he’d ignore or deny. I have a feeling he just got tired of the pretending all the time, he’s been in ill health, gained weight, losing his hair…..maybe he’s worn out, who knows? At any rate, I am glad it’s over and makes sense, he sure had me confused for a long time. Best to you as you move forward!!! xox
As seems the case here I think it is the same guy 😦
When confronted mine did the victim act & told me to move on etc…he then reported ME to the police for one text he didn’t like!!!
Mine is also aging 58, very overweight (looks Pregnant), balding & has health problems & was very very tired from all hi sexploits!
I am glad it’s over & that I found this site for answers & support 🙂
It has blown my mind & I don’t miss him at all but, just struggle with the fact it happened, like a nightmare of events that has exposed a whole new world to me.
I hope you are doing well on your road to recovery & I wish you all the very,very best life can bring 🙂
It’s Called ‘Invisible’ by Alison Moyet & you can see it on Youtube 🙂
You’ve got me so confused and there’s words I could use
But I’m afraid to say them
I feel I’ve been had and I’m boiling mad
Still I cant live without you
You don’t have the time and you wont spend a dime
Not even to call me
You don’t know I exist and I wouldn’t be missed
If I had the nerve to quit you
Invisible -I feel like I’m invisible
You treat me like I’m not really there
And you don’t really care
I know this romance – it aint going nowhere
Invisible [just like your love]
You treat me like I’m invisible
When you get the need to flirt
You do the works
You just don’t care how much it hurts
I can never reach you on the phone
It rings and rings well I know you’re home
It maybe naive but I just wanna believe
I’m the only one
I tell myself lies to give you alibis
Knowing your promises you’ll never keep
Like a merry-go-round I’m going up going down
I’m on a dead end street
Invisible [just like your love]
I feel like I’m invisible
You treat me like I’m not really there
And you don’t really care
I know this romance it aint going nowhere
Although I know it’s not a lot
Don’t wanna loose whatever we’ve got
I keep hanging on knowing I can’t win
Cause it’s too hard to start over again
Invisible
So, if your thinking of going around with the Soc in your life for another dance then, remember what it feels like to be invisible & hum this in your head.
Ditto 🙂
I think Positiva has opened a can of worms & given so many of us a voice but,
look how many people have been traumatizedby these evil Soc’s 😦
I am glad I found this site as it has helped so much to know we are not alone 🙂
PR x
Mine said same…I’m a big girl..I made my own decisions… blah blah
hey. i stumbled across this because of the article on the huffington post with female diagnosed sociopath M.E Thomas and flags went up all over the place about my ex (my kids dad) so i looked into it more and came across your blog and well now i think if he not a sociopath or he defo has pretty much all the traits (that creepy empty stare makes sense now .. the eyes are the window to the soul or lack of one) except the working cos he has worked most the time but as M.E Thomas said some soc do work and play there games there (which he did some very nasty ones i found out about) tho he managed to still get well over 10 grand off my parents (im a only child and they have very well paid jobs so i think he saw me as a source to them) and even tho he has worked most the time he has terrible debts. he is also a alcoholic (which i read somewhere else they say about 70% of them have drink or drug addictions) and has been violent when he had lost control. i wont go into the many twisted things he did when was together cos would be here all day. when i finally managed to get him out my life after 2 years of trying by getting him arrested for hitting me when he lost control n the mask slipped he was awful i was getting horrid texts then he would turn up out blue n ask me to take him back what a freak.. lucky for me the hold was broke on me by then n i never took him back cos i hate him with a passion, he found a new source within 3 weeks .. was with her 3 years n totally ruined her she lost her job she had for years he stole money which she got blame for n she had to move miles away..tho he still did his tricks with me while he was with her, one example was i on benefits and was single and he found the job centre n said i was living with someone wasn’t till they came round i realized they had been following me for month .. i didnt even have a bf at the time!! lucky they realized something not right and the man who came to my house even said to me do you have any enemies which i didn’t except him .. i also suspect he poisoned our old cat we had when was together cos after he split with her he moved back to estate i live on and my cat started to get ill but vet could never work out what it was n one day he just disappeared, but he clever can only suspect it him very hard to prove anything with him. after the poor woman he ruined after me it took him a month to find next one n he got himself another source who he has been with 3 years now i don’t know what happening there cos wasn’t till he had ruined that previous one n it all fell apart i found out what had been going on but i hear that she don’t see any her old mates n has fallen out with her family cos of him. people who don’t know him very well think he lovely n charming ha what a joke. cos i have 3 kids with him i have to have some contact but it only only ever a one line txt about the kids, he gets annoyed cos i tell him nothing :).. the kids now have stopped sleeping over there every other Saturday from there request not mine tho i happy they don’t wanna stay over ..my eldest who 17 who he tried to alienate from me n did for about 2 years but luckily the fact i’m a good person and he ain’t finally shone through n she saw him for what he is, she was even worried he mite start taking pay day loans out in her name cos he made sorta joke about it and she doesn’t trust him at all. they even can see something not right about him. tho it such a shame for my kids i have a lovely dad n they got one like him who even if he not a proper soc he defo devoid of normal feeling. the only thing he seem to have feeling for is money money money.tho i have to be careful with my ex as he is violent and i found out recently he collects things like knives (creepy) and he has a bit of a obsession with death after we split he changed jobs to work in funeral place he totally desensitized to things that would faze normal people (double creepy) i gonna stop now cos i could go on n on lol. but to sum up things are ok for now but whenever he loses his current source cos i’m the mother of his kids he starts up at me a bit again but i can handle that cos i tell him where to go but not in angry way i say everything in a monotone to him i hide all my emotions from him. lose the fear or show loss of fear even if haven’t and they lose the control cos no point playing with you if your not playing there game anymore ..he pretty much leaves me alone now.. i just watching out that he don’t play the mind games with the twins now like he did my eldest but as they don’t sleep over his now and he has only bothered to see them for hour half in last 4 weeks since they stopped staying over hopefully should be less chance of that
My Soc of 10 years has never divorced his wife & has been gaming her for 35 years now & does it through his adult kids to keep tabs on her & destroy other relationships etc… 😦
Really sad & i don’t even think she realises???
Love & Light 🙂
Welcome to the site 🙂
PR xoxox
This is in response to jusagirl’s post 8/28 12:12
I do believe in the idea of “mirroring” in an effort for us to see certain lessons as a means to grow etc. I think if we look back we can certainly see what those lessons were/are. It can be a hard pill to swallow especially when one is as diabolical as the soc but if we need to learn to trust ourselves and our instincts, then maybe we need very strong lessons, or something that wakes us up? Good to have you contributing here, it’s helped me a lot, don’t give up!!!
Just wanted to share a quote a friend posted on her Facebook page this morning… “Watch the little things, a small leak will sink a great ship.” Food for thought.
Hey PR et all. Rough night. Been doing sooooo good. Why oh why am I missing him so bad now? I keep wondering how can he just vanish for so long like this? Does he not remember me? They really don’t care about us do they? My heart is breaking tonight.
I don’t think they do. Mine told me Friday he was taking off out of town till Weds. This was the “reason” why he couldn’t come with me to do something Sunday. Then he pulse-checked me Sat. with a false invitation to a “family function”. I believe he really wanted to see if I’d be willing to agree to do anything with him while he has cut off phone communications with me. I told him, “Sure, call me.” That call, of course, never came…because then he’d probably have to explain my obvious out-of-state area code being present in his phonebook again, and that would ruin his little arrangement with whichever women he’s now running in circles (and/or, he might not have even been in town at that point, but with another, God knows).
It would be nice if they ever thought of anyone but themselves, sadly, they don’t appear to. Haven’t heard from him since and tomorrow is his supposed return. I have been very busy with other stuff and my mind has been clear of him, so far.
Jusagirl, if we don’t learn from these experience, we will be more like them…and I don’t want to be like him.
I don’t want to forget, cause if I forget I will repeat the same story one time and another.
It is like a scar, you see it, remembered what happen and the aches it caused, but you’ll not feel the actual ache…
Keep going, it gets easier but, takes a lot of time & those wee small hours make it tough!
You must focus on you & how he made you feel when it was bad not good & keep up the fight to a Brand New YOU 🙂
Ha, got a letter from my ex today, knew he’d write since I blocked him from my phone and e-mail. He said the reason he broke up with me was because he suspected I was cheating and looked on Match.com and saw my profile with my pic, even sent the pic (which just happens to be on my e-mail and FB page) with some weird username which I would never use. I do not have a profile on any website and while I did about 4 &1/2 years ago, it was deleted so I cannot imagine how there would be anything about me on one. I responded via e-mail and told him it was completely false and that if I had an account it would show on my computer or there’d be a record of payment on my bank statement and that I’d be happy to show him both. Without going into all the details in the letter and e-mail, it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read, I even laughed out loud when I read it, how in the hell did he even come up with that nonsense?????
He wants to make you look like the bad guy cause they hate that your onto them. I think their biggest fear is discovery so, they try to turn it all back onto you.
Mine would always throw stuff I didn’t do in my face & I would scramble to try & figure it out then give up…no point as you can never outwit a liar!
He even said I gave him the arse 3 times & I didn’t.
I just stopped reacting & trying to figure him out so, when I didn’t react he would have his friends or family call to keep me in the game….really weird stuff they do.
Mine also had his best friend a policeman call me after the final blow to see if I was okay????
Dah what a jerk!
PR, I am just shaking my head, why even bother? It makes no sense what so ever, do they think we’re that stupid? He knows I am a master slueth and will catch his lies, I feel like I’m dealing with someone who’s mentally retarded (Not to be mean) or maybe 8 years old at best…..come on!!!!! I just have to laugh, it’s so damn stupid!!!!!
Yes CB LOL,
It’s one of the major ‘Red Flags’ if you have to play detective so, he’s upping the game on you.
Just laugh at him cause he’s playing around, what a classic Jerk!
Are you sure we aren’t twins?
If we are twins, I welcome it, you’re a great “Sister” 🙂
Honestly, it just makes me laugh because it’s so damn pathetic and the best part is, I know what he’s trying to do and calling him on it, he has no idea what he’s up against and if he wants to play a game of wits, he’s gonna lose…..sheesh!
Sister C 🙂
You are amazing so, remember the game of Chess at the end of it the pieces all go back in the same box!
Find your passion & write about your experience of him, that will help many more of our sisters 🙂
Your a writer I think?
You are smart, creative & funny just like me so, don’t waste time on him you have more important things to do 🙂
If your ever in Australia, you’d be welcome at my house 🙂
YOU are a Godsend, yes, I love to write and have an awesome sense of humor, it helps me through a lot as I’m sure your’s does. I do want to help others as well, it has made all the difference to have found this site, I woudn’t know what I know now without the expense and years of therapy most go through. I don’t even have a passport but if I ever come to Australia, I’ll definately look you up, we’d have the best time!!!
I off to bed, thanks and enjoy your night!!! xoxoxo
The comments about gamesmanship are interesting. My daughter just found out yesterday that her ex-boyfriend had a bet going this summer with one of his “best friends” — who could kiss the other one’s ex-girlfriend first. The friend didn’t (and I am sure still doesn’t) realize he was playing games with a sociopath. Of course he lost the bet — first because he didn’t even try with my daughter because he knows who she is and that she would never have anything to do with any of her ex’s friends (she has cut off all contact with everyone associated with him, in both social media and the real world), much less kiss some random guy she isn’t even dating, but second because a sociopath will do whatever it takes to win — even if it means alienating a friend he has had since kindergarten. The other guy is apparently so angry he is no longer speaking to my daughter’s ex. I would guess he never even realized the bet was serious. Sad really. When I related this to a close friend, her comment was “boys will be boys — that’s how teenage boys talk — they’re stupid.” And that is what I mean about people not taking the sociopath thing seriously. Yeah a kiss is pretty innocuous and teenage boys do stuff like this — but still, this is about looking at other human beings as objects you can use for your own satisfaction without regard for what your actions might do to them. And being willing to risk (and lose) a lifelong friend just so that you can win. Can you imagine the thrill he must have felt in his little black heart when he got that kiss? Imagine what these “stupid” games will become as he gets older…..the only reason this game was so relatively innocent is because these are “good Christian boys” — at least, one of them is. The other is a sociopath.
My daughter calls me Mamabear all the time & she is Babybear & we txt on the iphones Bear symbols 🙂 LOL
I just wanted to tell you about some great friends of mine who realised their now mid 40’s son is a Sociopath.
We were talking about him just the other day & they said he had a friend who told them he “burnt” him (not literally) but, made a fool of him in front of his peers when they were teenagers & it destroyed their friendship forever.
Until then they had been inseparable & the nice boy idolised the Soc.
My friends (Soc’s parents) no longer have anything to do with their son as he turned very mean & did really cruel stuff to them 😦
They are the loveliest people & he was okay until his mid teens then went really cold on them. He was always trying to ‘big note’ himself & would brag about his abilities etc…& lied & manipulated everyone.
I hope the nice boy in your story doesn’t suffer too much humiliation in the Soc’s game 😦
They really are as cold as ice….like the Black Hole they suck everyone in!
I am glad your beautiful daughter has you to help & guide her 🙂
She will be okay, just a very nasty lesson that will protect her in future from these predators.
Hi PR/Fellow Mamabear. 🙂 Yep, if anyone would like to know what the teenage version of a sociopath looks like, I would be glad to share what we have seen — it’s a little scary. I feel a little silly talking about things like bets on kissing and all of that, not that this guy doesn’t already have an extensive sexual history, he does, just thankfully not with my daughter! But then I read all of the other stories here and get a sick feeling that I am probably getting a glimpse into this guy’s future unfortunately–he fits the profile to a T. And that is why I thank God every day my daughter had this experience NOW rather than later. For an 18 year old boy he is already very skilled but nothing in comparison to these adult sociopaths. Yet still the sociopath profile fits him so accurately, the more I read, the more convinced I am that this is who he is. I am sorry to hear about your friend’s experience with their son, it must be so heartbreaking for them. I imagine unless some kind of miracle occurs, that is where this guy and his parents are headed. I have met his parents, I would guess they have no idea (or don’t want to know) who their son really is.
Hi Mbear 🙂
My Soc told me he was sexually active by 12 years of age & that he had wanted to do it from 7!!! He also said he went after older girls etc…& has continued to wreak havoc. He’s 58 now so, a lot of damage lies in his wake 😦
So, if the boy is showing all the flags now, then God help whom ever crosses his path 😦
His parents probably think somethings not right & may never get it or he will do something to damage them???
I am sad your baby girl has had to deal with him but, better now he’s out of her life.
You will protect her & teach her to expect nothing but the best. Trust her gut & never compromise herself for anyone 🙂
With you in her corner she will be just fine 🙂
Love & Light to you & stay away from that boy/Soc he’s obviously bad news 😦
Thanks so much for encouraging words, PR, I do so appreciate it. Yep, this guy is only 18 but already leaves a trail of disgusted girls behind him a mile long. When he started up with my daughter, part of his “testimony” as a Christian was about how his wake-up call was the morning-after when he and his then-girlfriend got “carried away” while making out and ended up having sex. Portrayed himself as an average teenage boy with this one “oops.” HA. All teenage boys are horny as all get out, let’s be honest, but this guy really takes the cake. He dates 2 kinds of girls — sweet, pretty, innocent girls like my daughter who make him look like a nice guy because otherwise why would this nice girl give him the time of day? And then the “other” kind of girls, whom he just “does stuff” with. I know that sounds dumb but “does stuff” is how the teens express it now, and it can mean anything and everything sexual. His pattern is to drive these girls in his car to a secluded park and….what happens happens. He also likes to use FB to hit them up for it in advance. I think I mentioned way upthread on this page that we found out after the fact that he got in trouble late last year for “doing stuff” with a 14-year-old in his youth group at church — he was 18 at the time so the cops got called in. How he got out of this I do not know but they didn’t press charges even though in our state it’s statutory rape. I have seen a photo of this little girl — by a twist of fate my daughter ended up be-friending her without even knowing at the time that she had a history with the soc! — she doesn’t look more than 12! So it isn’t all about sexy women who turn him on, it’s just what to me looks like an out of control sex drive that he cannot or does not want to control. He will do anything with anybody is how I see it. I still do not know why he didn’t try anything with my daughter although ironically she says in retrospect that while he didn’t try anything physical, he would say things trying to move the conversation in that direction — but because he presented himself as this awesome, clean-cut Christian boy who respected her virtue, she didn’t realize that was what he was doing, so she didn’t pick up on it and he got nowhere. Ha, foiled by his own subterfuge! 🙂
Thankfully your daughter has good moral coding & he couldn’t break her down, he would have eventually so, she is lucky to have YOU 🙂
What a shame he will hurt so many but, what can you do?
It’s just good you & your baby are free from his cunning & manipulation.
He will steer clear of you as he will sense you are onto him 🙂
Keep up the great work, your daughter should be proud of you & likewise 🙂
Make a list of what he is getting from your home (this way he will not have an opportunity to come back for the most stupid things. Ex. Contact lenses solution)
If you have the opportunity of a third person deal with his visit, use it. Your friends understand whats happening and Im sure the will help to protect you.
Our prayers are with you. You’ll be strong
Death is sometimes a release 🙂
The death of a relationship can be a very big release & I hope you intend to live like there’s no tomorrow, nothing is permanent & everything passes.
You are here for a good time not a long time so, don’t waste it 🙂
I appreciate all the helpful info on here! A lot of it describes my 13 yr. marriage & has risen many questions about a good friend I talk with & haven’t seen in about 7 yrs.(he was also friends with my husband). A lot of things that I’ve went thru with this friend jolted in2 my head while reading.
With him I die so many deaths, real and fictional I was so lost
I came back from an “inferno” that I never thought can exist.
Everyday I celebrate with a little detail…today I paint my nails with a vibrant color (the same he says only the whores used) and for me is like a simple reaffirmation “I’m free, he doesn’t define me, he isn’t my dictionary”
Omg NMI, mine used to want me to paint my toenails red & wear open toed shes…they really are the same!
He also liked me to leave my shoes on in intimate times…I was happy to leave them on so, I could escape asap 🙂 LOL…..I actually felt like this sometimes,like I was escaping???
Dating a Sociopath 
Welcome hitgirl! This site has really helped me through the last few weeks after my breakup! I hope that you can find the same support throughout your journey as I have. Some days are good….some are bad. It helps knowing there are people here who understand what you’re going through. We are always here to help!!
Ok ladies I’m having a weak moment, I want to text him…..but I know he won’t answer…I heard our favorite song on my IPOD, yep I cried like a baby…I wish this time of year would hurry and pass..
Nessa
@Nessa 🙂
It takes time & it does pass I promise 🙂
Stay Strong, Love & light PR xoxox
Dont be hard on yourself, nessa! This is tough stuff to get through, especially when they dont give us the closure we need to move on. Take your time and be patient with yourself…it wont feel this way forever, promise!
I caved. I went by his store today. He was mean as usual. Left a note. He never replied. It’s ok. I actually went out. Has a guy who likes me make me dinner for my birthday. His landlord where he rents a room from made a cheesecake too. I actually found myself enjoying things. I looked around and realized there was no pressure. No guy being a lunatic drunk. No drama! And this guy knows what I been thru and understands that we aren’t “there” for anything hot n heavy. I did let him kiss me. Which was intimidating at first. But he was a total gentleman. His landlord was hilarious. She’s an older lady and just a hoot! On the way home I thought wow I just a normal evening. I didn’t have that when my ex was home! Anyway he invited me to meet up tomorrow after church and I think I will. I’m more comfortable now than the first few times seeing him. I think the biggest hurdle at feeling again is the feeling of cheating on my ex. Or knowing if I choose this guy then I’m officially letting go of my ex. It’s hard bc of trust too. This guys daughter and son were texting him and I was really uncomfortable wondering if it was like my ex had w all these other people texting when he was hiding them from me. But at least I took baby steps. I miss my ex but if he wants to ignore me then so be it. I will get my life back. Even better than before.
The best revenge is living a very well, happy, genuine abundant life. It is nothing they will ever truly experience.
I am not sure why I can’t reply directly to “jusagirl” above right below your post, but I can’t.
but what I wanted to say was, jusagirl, that is interesting about the laryngitis. My daughter too is a talented singer, that was her ex-boyfriend’s first compliment/comment/pickup line to her, that she sings like an “angel” (which she does). I am sorry about your voice, I pray you feel better soon. I can always tells when my daughter is feeling happy, because she sings, wherever and whatever she is doing. We can hear it all through the house. 🙂 I appreciate your comment on spiritual warfare, I do believe you are correct. God has given us so much insight, so much comfort through all this. Mental illness, which is what I understand sociopathy to be, if viewed through a spiritual lens, can be understood on a number of different levels. If you believe in any kind of supernatural realm, you can see how for centuries many have believed it to be a symptom of a kind of spiritual sickness/attack.
@MamaBear,
I do believe in God and spiritual warfare. I don’t want to offend anyone with my beliefs, but it’s what has gotten me through all of this. I know that he carried me through the last several months and when I prayed for him to get him out of my life…boom he did and (my soc) showed his true colors so it was easy…the burden was lifted off of me. Keep praying for his protection and guidance.
Nessa
I do too Nessa! I honestly believe God delivered my daughter from what could have been a much more horrifying situation simply because she has family and friends who love her and pray for her general well-being on a regular basis. There weren’t specific prayers because none of us even realized the danger she was in, but thankfully God knows even when we don’t. It is encouraging to hear that you too feel His guidance and love.
Ha! My ex used to say
“You know what your biggest problem is, you don’t know when to shut that cock holster mouth of yours”
I got chills reading this comment. Because I know and remember too well how painful it has been.
I promise that it will get easier. I wish I could give you a hug.
It’s not easy and I text him last night I’m not even sure why, maybe just out of habit he responded hours later. I didn’t respond and went on with my unaffected he creeps into my head many times and honestly when u read a comment I post it’s because I’m having a weak moment and need to re focus If you count how many times I’ve posted you can see that it hasn’t been a smooth road to recovery but I’m on my way and you will too. Everyone is here for you.
Seriously…no identity. He is someone different to every person in his life. It has to be hard keeping those lies straight. Horrible way to live.
@ Mammabear & Jusagurl,
I often lost my voice when I was with my Soc & it’s because your emotions are in your throat.
If you suppress your truth your voice goes 😦
I realized this years ago so, started speaking up to my Soc, he didn’t like it but, kept him around as I became a challenge again 😦
I haven’t had laryngitis since.
Speak your truth, now the truth & you will heal 🙂
It’s the throat Chakra, you need to clear it 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I appreciate that, but there is no one to tell. He doesn’t hear me. If I decide to interact with him, I have to accept what he is/isn’t.
I’ll be honest, I’m still stuck, although I’m over waiting for him. I see how it is and I am actively moving on for myself and that part is relieving. I’m not ready to never see him yet though.
Him being able to use me is an impossibility…he knows that as well and is trying to respect my boundaries (and has said as much). Him hurting me, wasting my time or delaying me, however, is still a possibility.
Hey Jus 🙂
Until you leave this game you will continue to suffer 😦
Remember his behavior is abnormal & you are trying to be normal so, your mind & body are always at odds.
It’s your heart & your head so, don’t give your power over to him…he will keep you as his possession forever if you let him?
Mine did 😦
Love PR xoxo
Hi PR,
I gave your comments about the truth a lot of thought. If I’m real, I have to say I love him. He knows it as I admitted it, and I decided it awhile back. I also have to say, now I know he returns to another, I can’t continue this (I tried to put a stop to it immediately; obviously, it hasn’t been as easy as just willing it). Admitting this to myself did make the difference, PR. I am better today. I began my exercise routine again and, though a tough start, felt even better afterwards.
I don’t know how I am going to accomplish this as he has already drawn me in. In the past, I say the things I do to a man, and ask the “right” questions so I avoid going down futile paths. He alone knew I was being led astray, but he didn’t care enough about me to prevent it—the first betrayel. I am angry about that. He told me once that he felt he didn’t deserve me, but then he decided that he did. How did he come to that conclusion when he knew he couldn’t meet my requirements? It’s generally at that point that a guy says, “I wish I could be that for you, but I can’t.” It saves us both a lot of time and heartache. That didn’t happen here.
I feel an unfair ownership of burden with this. I previously felt this was more mutual, but I see now how it hasn’t been. He took an unfair advantage and that must be the very definition of “using” someone. Whether he still wants me now is irrelevant. There is no choice for me but an ultimatum if I desire him, and because he returns to someone else, that completely compromises me and effectively hurts her! Why have I *not* felt he alone is to blame? I struggle in my feelings today and feel like I am in a lose-lose situation.
P.S. My voice is much better today as a result… first day in about 2 weeks of seeing no progress.
HI Jus 🙂
You are not alone & you must stop blaming yourself for being party to the abuse. You gave him your love but, at no time did you give him permission to abuse, use or take you for granted 😦
This is what he has done & it’s really hard to get over this fact 😦
To the Soc you are a source of supply for whatever & the OW is also 😦
You must continue to fight for yourself & your sanity as you will roller-coaster
up & down emotionally, always questioning yourself, re-examining the minute details of conversations, re-visiting the good times & hoping for a glimmer.
What you really want to do is wake-up from the nightmare that is a relationship with a Soc….the never ending torture of just not being enough for him to see the light 😦
I was always hoping I was the one for him until I realized there were many of us
‘ONES’ but, we are just a means to an end for the Soc.
The Soc is number One & he is selfish & doesn’t care about how awful you feel 😦
So all I can say Little One 🙂 is that you must keep pushing past the blackness & just work on the healing 🙂
It’s hard as the Soc invades the memory cells in your body as well as your heart & head.
Truth is there is no happy ever after with a Soc, just more self doubt & sadness. You know that the choice is yours 🙂
Your voice will get better I promise & you’ll be back to normal soon 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
PR, I was going to say something similar about the throat chakra, good call and much appreciated from me as a reminder of my own throat issues with my ex…..you’re a blessing here, thank you very, very much!
🙂 Your welcome CB 🙂
I had laryngitis a lot especially, in the first few years with my Soc.
I had done Reiki & was told this 🙂
Love PR x
He drove by my house today. He has no reason to be in my part of town. I was one minute away from being face to face in the shop. I was pulling out just as he pulled in. He was alone. Made eye contact.. I looked nonchalant and felt nothing but quite shaky when I got home. I had been terrified this day .. afraid of him. Seeing him took alot of that away. I’m calmer he got scary in my imagination. But I keep seeing him driving around aimlessly in his truck. Hes alone. Took an ativan too… got rid of that tension in my chest. Thats the worst!!
Hi FS,
That’s anxiety in your chest & that feeling is not normal as the ‘fight or flee’ instinct has kicked in.
You shouldn’t have to feel like this but, it’s par for the course of confrontation after an event like you’ve had 😦
How do you really feel about seeing him now you have had time to research, learn & share?
You really can do so much better than him so, start believing in yourself 🙂
That feeling will eventually go but, not while he is still around physically & mentally 😦
Be Strong & Brave, don’t look back your future & better things are ahead of you 🙂
Love PR xoxo
I feel smug when I see him lol he knows I’m not home boohooing. I am angry he gets whatever he wants. He is very financially successful so not sure if that is mandatory.. do you have to broke ass to be a sociopath? Hes got money…a young new gf… he will have a house soon.. I don’t know. It pisses me off. Whether or not he will ever be happy… I don’t know. Not my business I guess.
Hi FS, mine was very wealthy & has moved onto another OW with millions!
My Soc is a very greedy man in more ways than one!
Just keep focusing on yourself as money does not buy health so, the Soc’s will have Karma visit soon enough. Their lifestyle catches up with them, don’t worry as ‘every dog has its day’!
PR x
He will always have regrets he is terrible at decisiin making and through his lies and inability to choose life he ends up not choosing a woman but picking from whomever choose him. He is vain..shalliw ..obsessed with brand name clothing (total opposite of me) and is very cheap when it comes to sharing or buying something. Lol. Bizarro.
Ditto on the women left standing after he’s wreaked havoc & the brand name clothing etc…they must all have to be led even to what they buy, can’t make a decision themselves etc…just copy others or trends…figures with the mirroring & copying etc…gleaning info & regurgitating stuff back up….they are really just big fakes!
LOL at least we are original & authentic 🙂
Do you think it’s possible for someone to have sociopathic behaviors, but not be truly sociopathic? Is the fact that my daughter’s ex-boyfriend is still so young the reason he is so transparent in what he is doing? Or is it just that once you are on to their game, it’s really not as hard to discern? The watershed moment for me in terms of finally 100% believing that this guy is a sociopath (or has strong characteristics of it) was when I realized that all the mental energy I had been putting in to trying to understand why he did what he did was wasted because I was trying as a “normal” person to understand truly abnormal (mentally ill) behavior. Yet at times there is still a part of me that can’t believe he’s truly sociopathic — maybe because it scares me to see what havoc he has already been able to wreak on others in his young life, and I worry about what may be in store for his future victims. It still amazes me how much damage he did to my daughter in just 2 short months. 😦
It has been almost ten years since mine left and married someone else out of the blue. There was no closure or goodbye, he was just gone one day. When he saw me in public, as we knew a lot of the same people, he would ignore me and everyone around us noticed. I was very young and very naive and I fell for everything. He became the center of my life and my only support. We were set up by mutual friends, and when things got really bad they all refused to talk to me. I am now married to a wonderful man and our relationship is very healthy, but I carried around those scars for so long. I found this site and now I feel free. I don’t know why. Maybe because after all these years I finally understand that it was not my fault and I was in fact a victim of abuse. I kept asking myself over and over how I could let it happen and why I didn’t just leave when I realized things weren’t right. He was always preaching trust and honesty and how important those things are, and how life is all about choices, and if you choose to stay with someone and things go wrong, then it’s all your fault. I feel like I am seeing the whole terrible situation with new eyes. I told my husband last night, “I think he was actually a sociopath and I was abused.” He nodded as if he knew it before I did. I apologized for holding on to that pain and grief, because any time I do that a piece of me is absent from my husband and the things that truly matter. I will no longer give my thoughts or energy away to this person who took so much from me. It is in the past. I am so thankful I found this site. I have talked to several therapists about this over the years, not one even suggested he might have been a sociopath. I want to call him and demand a check for all those appointments! I wanted revenge for years, now I am glad I never bothered.
Glad it was only 2 months of influence, but understand that’s still 2 months too long. I think you’re doing the right thing by not showing her the site, thus perhaps triggering obsession over something she may be able to more easily overcome by staying busy with other interests. She sounds like a lovely, normal girl so, hopefully, her youthful resilience will help her move on with things more worthy of her time. Must be soooo painful to observe this as a parent though.
It has been hard to watch her struggle. I think she is on the right path for the most part however and she does have a lot to keep her busy. When I get angry about it I remind myself of how fortunate we are that she had this experience while she was still living with us and we are able to walk beside her through it. I shudder to think what might have happened had she met this boy or someone like him while she was away at college — she is a senior in high school this year so we have this final year with her still under our roof. Now at least she knows what to look for, since apparently there are more sociopaths walking among us than one would think! I would certainly not have believed it possible for her to encounter one at her young age, and in such a relatively small town.
I had to move from a very large city to meet mine in a comparatively smaller city too.
I just want to say a big Thank you to all of you who post here. I am in the throws of separation with mine, and we go a week, and then there is contact. It is truly difficult, but you girls give me hope and strength…….I know I will get away from him, but its just the process………and I am not good at the not responding, it seems to make me focus on him more.
I want to forgive him and myself and find some one new.
So Thank you for being my support and my rock.
I read your posts and am so grateful.
UR welcome pber. I go min by min. Right this second I’m dying to call him or see him so I’m here instead.
pber,
Welcome, you will find this site refreshing and comforting. I to just want to email him and give him me revelation that he is a complete and utter ass and a sociopath. I also would like to tell him that his looks, and charm are going to eventually succumb to his age ..he’s now 47 and has a gray goatee ( he hates that). Ha Ha Ha! Sorry just had to be a little sarcastic!
Nessa
Mbear. Nessa. God is the main thing getting me thru. He’s the only one who can.
I believe God/the universe attracts to you the things that bring what you don’t know—but need to—to your attention, and you can disregard or acknowlege them. Used to, when I joined a place of work, I always knew immediately who was having an affair. I thought this was a real curse since nobody wants you to know that! I also would “happen upon” people doing compromised things at just the right time to be exposed, often my observations were undetected. Other people often find that tendency scary about me, but I know it’s not about me. I know I’m supposed to know for different reasons, and it generally ends up testing my own morality. With the sociopath, I had a couple overt early signs, but they were so bizzare, I wondered whether I was over-thinking. To counter this, I believe God sent a series of songs that perfectly mirrored what was happening to me—right thing at the perfect moment, alternative delivery method. I don’t believe we come looking for this blog by accident either.
Jusa I agree I believe God showede early on and I ignored Him and His signs.
You have no idea go badly I needed to hear those words today. My ex texted me today to come and get the last of his stuff and I’m devastated. I can’t face him nor can I leave his stuff outside. I have his dog and he’s giving me checks for the money he owes me and he refuses to leave them outside I’ve tried. So I’m left trying to find someone to deal with him Friday night when he comes to my house. If I see him it will just start everything all over again for me and I can’t go backwards….the pain is nearly driving me mad. He carries on with his life and I’m left here just feeling used. I should be happy he doesn’t contact me for anything other that his stuff. But in a way it’s also painful knowing he doesn’t think of me while I’m miserable despite the lies and the cheating. I thought I was so much better but obviously not 😕
Hey Brandy 🙂
I am not sure who you are responding to/
Please remember you are dealing with a Soc not a normal person 😦
You gave him your love but, he doesn’t feel love, more an attachment or a possessiveness towards you.
The Soc only ‘loves?’ them self so, it’s not you it’s him!
You are better but he is not worthy of YOU.
The Soc will tell you he loves you just to get what he wants & that is what F@#ks with your mind!
In a normal relationship that ends for cheating or the love goes you at least know that at some point it existed but, the knowledge that it never did with the Soc & that you are just a supply source is devastating 😦
You are not alone & these mind f*@kers are the worse kind 😦
YOU work on you healing from within & it’s going to be worth it but, it does take a lot of strength….dig deep now & save your soul 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxoxo
Thank you PR. I have really bad days where I can’t even get out of bed and days that I’m so angry I hate him. I rely so much on all of the words of strength that you girls give! I hope there will come a day that I can just forget the horrible experience and not think that all men are this way. I definitely have had my eyes opened though. A big THANK YOU to all the posters here. You have no idea how much the words you say influence the people here who are suffering. Still wishing everyone the best!!
I can only imagine how you must feel. I think the agony comes from just internally crying out for this to be something other than what it is, and for him to finally honor you as you deserve. Unfortunately, your internal conflict is spot on though, in that you know that won’t/can’t happen because of who/what he is. I guess that’s why not seeing/talking to them is better. But I’m much better at getting through your situation than my own (just ask PR), so all I can say is I feel for you.
Jus 🙂
Your doing well & helping others is a great healing tool 🙂
PR xoxo
Yes, Jusa…I just feel like Im in a constant battle for my sanity these days. I spend hours crying over someone that could give a shit about all the things hes done to hurt me and I have no clue why I cant just learn to hate him and get past it! I feel so pathetic. Luckily I do have friends who try to lift me up but lately all I see is the negatives in life. Yesterday I didnt even care if I was here or not anymore….but the love for my 3 year old outweighs all my negativity.. He keeps me going when it hurts too bad. And I know i deserve better…we all do. I’m just having a hard time lately.
I used to have strong days….and I dont anymore. Everyday is filled with anxiety and sadness (yes I have medication…doesnt really help)
I had to contact him yesterday to change the time of when he could come and get his things because my friend needed a later time. Then he texted me ok, then asked why…then asked if he could come and get his stuff yesterday. I just didnt respond bc Im trying to keep NC. Then a few hours later he said he guessed since I was ignoring him that my answer was no. Then after work he just texted “ugh” then something about an eye dr appt and he has something wrong with his eye…I really dont care but the texts drive me crazy! I just didnt know any other way to change the time for today. And he doesnt usually text me anyway so I guess it has been good not hearing from him but yesterday was too hard.
Im hoping that with his things removed Ill start to heal not that he even has that much stuff at my house anymore. And Im so upset with myself that some items I want to keep because I gave him about $4000. Hes giving me post dated checks til I’m paid off but Im sure they will not be good for very long. So I think I need to keep his golf clubs or his fridge so that I can recoup some of my money when the checks go bad. But then I start to think its just better to let these items go. I suppose I just dont want to feel that hes laughing behind my back thinking Im being stupid for thinking the checks will be good…but I have no other choice! I, like Positiva, will be losing my home soon to divorce, and Im drowning in debt as well and just really need all the money I can get. And I feel so f’ing stupid for helping him…even though it was “for our future”. He completely sold me the lie of a life together and moving in to his house when I lost mine. Now I feel hopeless with no plan and no money. I know that a lot of you have come back from this and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry to ramble…sometimes it just flows out. And this is about day 5 of the nonstop crying and sadness. Trying to be strong for my son but it seems to be getting more and more difficult instead of easier. And its not even because my ex is bothering me or trying to get me back. H’es never even acted like he cared since the day I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore. I’m sure counseling would help but its really not an option as insurance wont cover and I cant afford it. So thanks for your sympathy Jusa…means a lot that someone cares….just wish it would get easier…
Hi Brandy,
It is painful to hear about him worrying about his eye appt. when you have such larger issues from the fallout of trusting him. I too have had to learn that no one else is my solution. Once I accepted that, it became easier to plan my course.
A very good friend once taught me to look at worst case, as unpleasant as that may sound, in a bad situation. Once you have accepted that as a possibility, you can plan for it and, even if it happens, it will be no shock to you and you are already ready for the next step above wherever you may be at. The same friend taught me to then create a plan A, a plan B, and if possible, a plan C. I have had much to dig out of in my lifetime. But in an effort to give you some hope, I will tell you that, when I went back to the goal list I created with my friend, and looked at those “impossible dreams” we had outlined so many years earlier, I was shocked to discover I had already achieved over 75% of them…even the toughest, most seemingly unattainable that others might envy. Once we put it into print, and it became a part of my mind’s direction, I believe, is when it became reality only left to be worked through tactically. I didn’t even know it was happening, as it was part of my internal roadmap.
As for him (your soc), just his manner of treatment of you reminds me of mine. I always have felt so lost/forgotten with him, like I’m hanging on for any sign of acknowledgement. Who needs that from someone who doesn’t remember to ask if I’m feeling better, or who denies ever doing me any harm? It is extremely unfortunate that the internal script he repeats to himself is not rooted in truth, but in a reality he seems to need to believe to pretend he is the good man he thinks he is. But God and I both know that’s not the truth.
I went through the “holding his things hostage” process too. He got my car towed and impounded and I knew I’d never see the money from that. I finally realized that, while in theory, it made sense I should keep the things in trade for my output of expense, it was making me feel miserable keeping them. Although it was for practical reasons, the motive still felt too close to revenge and ill-willfulness to me, and I couldn’t live with that. I finally gave the stuff back. I didn’t need to tell him he shouldn’t have been even asking for it or that he owed me—he knew that. I have not regretted making that decision as it was very soul-lightening.
These men are not our answers, in any way… we are. I hope you get through this as painlessly as possible, or at least find a renewed strength throughout the difficulty. It’s very brave of you to step away and be so resolute with your no contact decision. It will be over soon. Don’t worry about next steps right now—one problem at a time.
Hi Brandy 🙂
I hope these songs help 🙂
Love & Light PR xoxox
Thank you so much for the videos PR! Today is a good day…but he will be coming Friday to get the rest of his things so I imagine that will be a very difficult day for me. I have his dog so I cant just leave everything outside. But I do intend on asking a friend to come and deal with him so I dont have to see him.
I hate to ask someone else to get involved and I thought earlier I could be strong enough to not let it bother me but I have to be honest with myself and I know seeing him will reopen my trying to heal wounds. He has not tried to contact me other than to get the remainder of his things from my house and I assume its because I finally got the strength to tell him I didnt want to talk to him ever again after finding numerous texts from girls in his phone. Just the night before he loved me and if I didnt come over he was gonna kill himself…just a reason to get me to his house and unfortunately it worked. :(.
So I am hoping with all of his things removed from my house that I will get some closure. I told him that it must be nice to only care about his things….his response was “my things are all I have” Nice to know that a person in love with him was less important in his life than his posessions. I truly do feel like garbage thrown to the side even though I ultimately ended it. I dont know how they manage that but they do. So everyone please say a prayer to give me strength this Friday so I can rid my life of this coldhearted asshole for good!
Hope everyone is having a good sociopath free day today!! 🙂
xoxo
Hi Brandy,
Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t come Friday, just to play & stall for time etc…keep you in the game until he can come up with a new plan?
Just be prepared & have a counter plan to suggest etc…
Good idea having someone there & he will not like that at all. He will want to get you alone.
Have everything ready to go & do all your healing protections i.e. burn a healing candle, meditate, & most of all be strong 🙂
Don’t take it to heart that you meant nothing to him as he means nothing to himself. He has to rely on others to feel anything & that’s just the way the Soc is unfortunately ;(
We are just sources of supply & possessions & that’s why it’s hard for them to let us go. They hate losing the emotional hold they have over us.
On a good note it’s amazing how great you will feel when you are free of the control & manipulation.
Remember normal people don’t do this & you would never be treated so badly by a normal man 🙂
You should be proud of yourself & stand tall, you have survived & know you are better. You deserve better & you must believe in yourself.
All the good stuff you like in him is YOU, he has mirrored you,until the mask slipped then that was him 😦
Good Luck & we’ll be here for you 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxox
No, he’ll come to get his stuff. Its like its the most important thing in the world to him. I told him the other day that it must be nice to only be concerned about his stuff and he just replied “its all I have”. Im glad I have a friend to face him because I can’t start all over again. I just hope he doesnt give her problems because she’s doing me a favor and Im putting her in an awkward position. But I know he could care less to see me so Im sure itll be fine…..will just be sad knowing that its final even though I already know it. And I’m glad.
He had a fiance in another state…multiple dating profiles, and I saw lots of girls texts before I finally told him I was done. I ignored all the red flags…and my gut feelings. So regrettable now but I learned a very valuable lesson. Just wish he hadnt involved my 3 year old son in his mess. I even messaged the fiancé on facebook and she never responded. Im sure he told her I was the crazy one and was stalking him. Sad for her because she has 3 kids of her own. Im working on my story because I think itll help to get it all out in the open. Its crazy as most everyones is! The depths these freaks go to to hide the stuff theyre doing! Unbelievable! Im so glad that I found a way to hack his stuff or I would have never have known!!! Even when I confronted him with all the facts he still looked me right in the eye and said he didnt know what I was talking about! I was in his facebook, emails, dating sites! lol thats when I knew he wasnt normal and I found this site and others and started to understand what he really is.
Thanks for being here for me and everyone else. Its been a great source of support for me and Im sure a lot of other people as well. Helps keep me strong on my weakest days!! Helps that he doesnt contact me which surprises me.. Ive told him 3 times prior to stop texting and this time when i looked him in the face and said it I guess it stuck. I suppose its for knowing so much about what he really is!! But the discard still hurts like hell!!!
Well PR…you were exactly right. He called 15 minutes prior to the time he was supposed to be here to say he had to work over (its a 45 minute drive). Really pissed me off seeing as I had a friend set up to give him his things plus I pushed his huge refrigerator outside!!
I dont even know why he called as I haven’t answered any texts except when he could get his stuff. I do feel kinda in control today with the NC thing….despite the fact that he’s only concerned with his things. I read a post on here to set up a date and time for him to come and just pick his stuff up outside and I think Ill just do that…just not sure what to do with his dog…its almost 100 degrees outside 😦
Awww Brandy 🙂
Discard is hell but, it’s hopefully the release that will free you finally 🙂
Your 3 year old will be okay as he? has you 🙂
It does get easier & yes write & purge & vent as it does wonders 🙂
Especially here as we ‘Get It’ 😦
You can’r save anyone else so, concentrate on YOU & the rest will follow 🙂
Be Brave & Be Happy, It truly is the best revenge 🙂
Love & strength too you 🙂
PR xoxo
Awe Brandy, I don’t know your full story, but from the little you wrote, I can relate 100%. I too, made the mistake of bringing him around my (then) 3 year-old son. My gut told me (yeah my gut instincts knew this guy was a piece of shit and to run) not to bring him around too often around my son, and I’m glad I at least listened to that part of my gut (but when it came to my heart, it was more forgiving…sigh). The sick part of it was, he really had me convinced that he was a good guy because of all his antics. He got along great with my son (but really, how hard is it to get along with an adorable 3 year old?) My spath even spoke of future tense when it came to the child I was carrying….these people really are sick. What sick f**k looks into another’s eyes, and without blinking an eye, tell a complete, big, fat lie? Normal people who lie, give away themselves through body language, and most could not look another person straight in the eye and lie easily.
Although I still question the past occasionally (this is getting a little better), I now am at the acceptance stage where I try to look at it as a lesson and it’s time to move on. I’ve given him too many pages in my book of life. I need to end the chapter, and move on to the next.
And my son? Never mentioned him, asked about him, and I never pressed the issue and I’m glad. I think my son forgot about him, and now momma’s going to do the same.
Don’t worry, give it time, go through the emotions but don’t let it bring your whole world down. Reflect, evaluate, learn and keeping going forward…one day at a time…
Thank you PR..You and the others have been a great source of strength for me even when I feel like giving up. Im just so tired of being miserable I cant stand it anymore. I try to focus on me but this has brought my self esteem down to zero. And idk how to get even the tiniest shred back….I just think that with all the things I’m going through (divorce, losing my house, bills i cant pay) with this on top it;s overwhelming me and becoming too much to deal with.
Yes my son will be fine…as I told Lenore my son didnt like him much at all but still he brought his games into our home and that’s not right. The only thing my son is sad about is that he will be coming to get his dog. I keep explaining that the dog will be going to live with my ex and he just tells me no. So hopefully he wont be too sad when he takes his dog tonight.
My ex also has custody of his nephew and my son really liked him…. l and he always asks to go play with him still so that’s tough bc he doesn’t understandl. Hopefully one day soon he’ll start to forget. And i dont even know why he took custody of him anyway. His nephew stayed at my ex’s house with his sister and he rarely even went to see him. So sad.
Remember stay strong today. No more tears for this sociopath. He doesn’t deserve you.
And thank you Lenore and Wish as well. I know he doesnt but for some reason its killing me inside. Yes Lenore he lived with me and my son for seven months….and my son couldn’t stand him! I should’ve seen that as a sign. I just thought that this wasn’t his dad so thats why he didnt care for my ex…and the most painful thing my ex told me after we broke up was that while he was in the house he just wished my son had stayed in his room all the time…my son NEVER spoke to him. In the rare instances my ex picked him up he would go immediately to his room and stay there til I got home. He only spoke to my ex when I tried to get him to talk to him. . I know kids can be a little much but my son never even bothered him and to say that to me was awful. And thats still not enough for me to get past what he’s done to me!!!! Im so frustrated!!
I know he has someone else and she has 3 kids. He says they’re just friends but I know better. They used to be engaged and he still goes to see her regularly. And I know we arent supposed to compare ourselves to their new victims but she has 3 kids and he couldnt stand my one?? Plus when I would give him money I found out he was going on trips with her and her kids when they were supposed to be guys trips. He tells me she paid but I feel like Im the one who paid for them to be together and it kills me because he didnt pay for shit while we were together!! So idk why he would use me and not her? Thats how I feel anyway…. I just dont get it…and I know I never will. Tha’ts the hard part.
You can’t even begin to understand their ways, since you have a heart. Mine had 5 kids (4 from one mom-who were all being raised by his mom; then 1-from another who he hated her mom). He had 0 emotional attachment to any of them, but tried to play it off as if he did. But looking back, I realized he never cared for them.
Mine always used to bad talk women on welfare…who did he end up marrying? Yep, someone who lives off welfare….They are very calculated and he (your spath) may not be getting money from her now, but he is building a relationship to that once he knows she’ll have it (tax time for example). If not money, then he could be using her for sex, a place to stay, a good meal, etc. Looking back, I realized that he only came around when he was bored and wanted something different to do. It had nothing to do with me. At the time, I thought he liked me (since that’s what normal people do: surround themselves with people they like), but after analyzing everything, nope! He was just killing time with me all while we were having amazing sex, I fed him, took care of him in a sense….
Give it time, you will get better…not over night, but you will get better, I promise! I know how you feel though, you wish you could just snap your fingers and be done with him already. There’s a saying, “Sometimes it takes your heart longer to know what your mind does.” I’ve learned through this experience that I have a HEAVY heart. In the future, I’m not going to give out my love so freely. This was a bitter lesson for me and my poor heart. Keep your head up!!! We are here for you and know you will have good days and you will have bad days, but at the end, you will succeed!!!
Hi Brandy,
I am not sure where I am up to with posts back to you as being in a different time zone & a day ahead gets hard to keep track 🙂
I do want to tell you something to give you hope (hopefully 🙂
I was left for another woman after 19 years of a very rocky marriage (Prior to the Soc).
My husband (ex) walked out one day & on with his new love instantly( she was a friend of mine & the receptionist in our business) without warning 😦
It was my son’s 6th birthday & 3 weeks before Xmas, I have two children & my daughter was 11 then.
He left me with a massive mortgage, no money, debt’s oh & two shattered children. He stood & watched them crying (absolutely shattered them)
I was up all night with them sobbing, we slept together that night & even in their sleep they cried 😦
I then had to sell my house, car, move to another suburb miles away etc…all on my own. I had to work & keep the children in their routines.
It was awful & hard but, I had to keep going for them.
At the same time my elderly father fell & broke his wrist & ankle so, had that Xmas in a hospital 😦
I had help from friends & family but, my ex did very little, just wanted his share of the property sale!
I am telling you this because I know how hard it is when you lose everything but, I also know it’s survivable 🙂
Keep going, each day you open your eyes & take a big deep breath & pull yourself up & move.
I promise that it gets better but, it’s like swimming in mud & you’ll sink but, come up & try again, that’s all you can do.
I then ran head long into my Soc LOL, but, we all know how that ended!
I am here & so are all these other great, smart, witty, beautiful people 🙂
It’s going to be okay 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
oh my gosh oh my gosh!!!! For all you spiritual ladies: This is a free online seminar that JUST started 15 minutes ago!! It’s about love! it’s so great! Sorry I just posted it, but I found it 2 minutes before it started! Anyway, its 75 minutes long! Hope you get a chance to listen!
http://evolvingwisdom.com/callingintheone/online-seminar/
Oh man, I just realized that it’s midnight in England…
I’m going to try and see if there’s a replay of this, thanks MMF, you’re awesome!!!
BTW, My Soc is back in town. I’ve been reading all your posts all along, trying to absorb the info and figure out what is the right thing to do. He keeps texting and calling and promising he will change, that he just felt overwhelmed with the kids, that he will get his own place, a stable job, yadda yadda. On the other end is his mom telling me she is grieving about having a son with a mental illness. Then he texts me that his mom sabotaged his family (i’m assuming he means me and the boys, but he could be talking about his ex and his daughter). He says that his mom has held a grudge against him from his antics as a teenager, but that he has in fact grown. I don’t know what to think at this point, because I could see both sides. This is so weird. Like a tug and pull. Argh!!!
Hi MM 🙂
He’s gaming you & his mother, all part of the Soc behavior routine.
Listen to your heart & remember what he’s done & the spin you’ve been in….
normal people don’t do this ever!!!
Be Strong, Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Any chance he’s NOT a Soc?? What if I just tried one….more…time….I feel like now that I have all this info, I could spot any problems immediately and confirm or deny my suspicions. At arm’s length, of course. I wouldn’t let him move back in. I would just let him date me. And only if he satisfies all of my other needs, like his being independent living on his own, paying for the dates (which would be new), going back to school, etc etc.. I repeat, AAARGGHHHH!!!
MM,
They are always a step ahead, and they have the advantage that they don’t feel anything. The experience of everyone here is the same, give them a chance and they will take it to make everything uglier and more confusing… Im not kidding. So, please…take care of yourself
PS MM, my story is on My Story section back on June 14th….I kept my life separate from my Soc & did lots of stuff but, he has still devastated me by his behavior etc….I had no idea that these types existed until now 😦
It’s time to face reality as he’ll never be truly with YOU 😦
You are worth so much more, believe in yourself & don’t compromise just for the hope it will get better….it will only be temporary 😦
Be brave & strong, your fighting for YOU 🙂
Hi MM 🙂
It’s your life but, after being with one unknowingly for 10 years & going around & around then good luck….it’s not a game for you but, it will be for him & you cannot win ever 😦
He views you with detachment whilst your natural state will be challenged & then you will be mind F#*ked all over again (sorry to be blunt) but, that is the reality 😦
Good Luck & remember normal does not do this drama etc…normal is boring sometimes but, at least it’s real 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxox
Hey PR et all. Here’s something to get our minds off our Socs tonight. I just mowed my yard and got attacked by a swarm of yellow jackets!!!!!! I HHHUUURRRTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!
And temporary can be as short as minutes…not kidding.
Yep no more so true 🙂
It’s amazing isn’t it, that a moment can seem like forever yet the years just fly by & so does the temporary yet the effects can last forever!
Be Happy NMI 🙂
Love PR xoxo
Ouch 😦
A little swarm of Soc’s maybe???
I hope your okay & now more healing to be done 🙂
Take care & loads of love & a big hug for Judah 🙂
PR xoxo
If you give their “game” a name it will be something like “circle”, you will never know the rules of the game, only that he wins when he get back to step one and make you one of the pieces of his game…
Yes NMI 🙂
I likened my ‘game’ to Chess all the kings men etc…sacrifice the pawns, then one by one & only the King is left standing!!
I relayed this example to the OW as she was the new Queen & I told her she would eventually be sacrificed for the King! 😦
No one ever wins against the soul-less as the game is never fair & my Soc even cheated at Chess!
NMI that game should be called The Pit. And he wins when we fall in it wo a rope, ladder or anything else to help us get out if it.
Judah 🙂
We here will help you out 🙂 always because the game is never fair with the Soc & you are never on an equal footing.
Here’s a rope & a ladder so, climb up we are waiting & so is your God 🙂
Love PR xoxoxo
There’s a way to win the pit game…when we understand that they dont have the rope or the ladder, only each one of us have it and it’s our responsibility to ensure that we used it…
Today is 40 days since he left for the ? (I lost the count) time.
Everyday I feel stronger, I look at me with amazement, as if I was hiding or lost for so much time…
So please, give yourself the gift of time without them and I’m sure everyone of you will find the best treasure…yourself.
This is an interesting point, that we hold the key/power ultimately for our decisions. My soc, mostly in defense of himself, has also declared this.
Indulge me a moment of conjecture about something I’ve been thinking throughout this journey… I’ve often asked myself if his presence in my life has been meant to serve to hold up a mirror to myself…on purpose—to reflect back to me my own reactions and uncover bad behaviors that might’ve laid somewhat dormant and only come out at rare, inopportune times (thus making the lack of repetitivity harder to learn from).
I’m not saying the soc’s behaviors haven’t been wrong, I’m just saying I have indeed been forced to also take a look at myself. I have apologized for the poor responses I have been responsible for, whether I felt he triggered them or not, and I think that is the right thing, to stop those behaviors in myself, whatever he is or isn’t doing to provoke them.
We read that God can use whatever instrument gets the job done. If we don’t let them ruin us, or change us into something ill that we weren’t previously, they become a tool in getting us to the next level of our own personal growth. No denial from me it is a slippery slope, in that a person can get lost in a churn, possibly even for a lifetime. I guess the question is, what is acceptable to us, and how high do we want to live?
Hi All 🙂
I wrote this to my Soc just after I found out his “game”,
I titled it ‘The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword’ I hope you enjoy it 🙂
It has been very cathartic, recalling so many indicators & my role in the duplicitous life that you lead.
In fact it has also been very amusing ;0)
Firstly I am obviously not happy with you treating me like a mistress (others as well). Without my knowlege!!
Whilst you zeroed in on poor Kerri as the possible wife?
Vulnerable,money & position what a very potent aphrodisiac.
Imagine manipulating this lovely lady who studies human behaviour,what a challenge to break down!
I am still doubtful that this will happen as you have undermined yourself into a very precarious situation & anyone that enters into a marriage with you & the plethora of detected lies is on very thin ice.
Trust is the bedrock of any relationship & that has gone!
I could not imagine entering into a union with someone that has already betrayed my trust & continues to try & redeem themself by downplaying the situation!
Making out that the other party was some charity case that you couldn’t let down is low. Your such a hero!
I bet you also follow a strict routine of behaviour right down to calling all the Bitchies ‘Darling’.
I can hear the mantra once again as I’m sure we all have,
‘I can only be myself with you’
‘If I ever catch you with another man I’ll kill you’ & even in the bedroom,’Your my wife,my possession!’
“Yes husband blah blah!” God that used to make me laugh!
What about a little slap (bit demeaning but,whatever it took to get on with it!). You are very heavy so,it was becoming very uncomfortable & that big belly made other positions very difficult.
I couldn’t be bothered really just knew how to stroke your ego ;0) which is massive! Biggest part of you really!
Funny thing is it’s hysterical & us girls have had a great laugh & will continue to! The next girls weekend will be a best seller!
I never did want anymore than ‘Coffee & Cake’ with you & openly said this too most of my friends. Happy to supply names etc…
to validate my position.
I never betrayed you by sleeping around as I have my self respect but,had more than one offer,only did coffee not cake.
Initially I did think you were someone I wanted to have more with but,as the years rolled on I had decided that this situation suited me down to the ground.
You were right I never did want a commitment or anything from you other than friendship really. THIS IS TRUE!
Don’t care that you didn’t love me as I didn’t love you either but,did like you very much. I know you liked me also!
I could not stand all the constant phone calls & how you had to control all of your family etc…I backed off long ago wanting to be part of that. If your honest then try & think when I last asked to be included in anything. The funeral was out of respect.
Watching your relationship with Jon was enough to put me right off.
Fancy having a grown son being such a “right plonker!”. I am not the only person with this viewpoint!
I also realised that you actually did nothing for me except give me advice (which was sometimes very good but,mostly I just let you lecture me etc…blah,blah).
I do realise my own part in all of this as I had become complacent & was prepared to have my cake & eat it too! ‘Me no complain’.
I didn’t realise how all the so called business trips involved other women but,realise you have to have women around to validate your ego & you need people to do for you. Makes you feel in control.
After all you are a traditional,male chauvinistic pig!
Can’t believe you think you don’t think with your “DICK”, could’ve fooled me. SOZITSA!
I had figured this all out ages ago but,something made me hold it in.
I am responsible for wasting so much time but,it helped me stay focused on my priorities as I never wanted to make choices between a partner & my children.
Still I liked just having my ‘cake’ with no strings attached.
I am proud I have maintained my independence & owe you nothing.
Venting is a great way to heal & even if you don’t read this I still feel much better.
P.S. I hope Kerri is okay as she is a very nice person but,maybe she is not strong enough yet to see the ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’ but,she will be…I would love to be a fly on the wall when that happens!
TRUE!
P.S.S. Think I’ll write a book titled, “Short Man Syndrome” or ” Cock of the Walk!”
X Bitchie
I imagine you felt much better after sending this. I too wrote my ex soc, not just once, but several times once I realized he was a soc.
When I found this site and all the explanations, I was able to go back to the very beginning of our involvement and see every single thing he did and said and what his intentions were, it blew my mind! I wrote and told him my findings and how excited I was to FINALLY have the answers I’d been looking for for years! He wasn’t happy and actually acted like a victim and responded with this “Good, glad you found your answers, now maybe you’ll stop bothering me and sending me e-mails”. I was surprised he’d respond at all, figured he’d ignore or deny. I have a feeling he just got tired of the pretending all the time, he’s been in ill health, gained weight, losing his hair…..maybe he’s worn out, who knows? At any rate, I am glad it’s over and makes sense, he sure had me confused for a long time. Best to you as you move forward!!! xox
Hi CB,
As seems the case here I think it is the same guy 😦
When confronted mine did the victim act & told me to move on etc…he then reported ME to the police for one text he didn’t like!!!
Mine is also aging 58, very overweight (looks Pregnant), balding & has health problems & was very very tired from all hi sexploits!
I am glad it’s over & that I found this site for answers & support 🙂
It has blown my mind & I don’t miss him at all but, just struggle with the fact it happened, like a nightmare of events that has exposed a whole new world to me.
I hope you are doing well on your road to recovery & I wish you all the very,very best life can bring 🙂
Love PR xoxo
Thanks NMI 🙂
Love to you as well xoxox
To all of us I think these lyrics tell our story.
It’s Called ‘Invisible’ by Alison Moyet & you can see it on Youtube 🙂
You’ve got me so confused and there’s words I could use
But I’m afraid to say them
I feel I’ve been had and I’m boiling mad
Still I cant live without you
You don’t have the time and you wont spend a dime
Not even to call me
You don’t know I exist and I wouldn’t be missed
If I had the nerve to quit you
Invisible -I feel like I’m invisible
You treat me like I’m not really there
And you don’t really care
I know this romance – it aint going nowhere
Invisible [just like your love]
You treat me like I’m invisible
When you get the need to flirt
You do the works
You just don’t care how much it hurts
I can never reach you on the phone
It rings and rings well I know you’re home
It maybe naive but I just wanna believe
I’m the only one
I tell myself lies to give you alibis
Knowing your promises you’ll never keep
Like a merry-go-round I’m going up going down
I’m on a dead end street
Invisible [just like your love]
I feel like I’m invisible
You treat me like I’m not really there
And you don’t really care
I know this romance it aint going nowhere
Although I know it’s not a lot
Don’t wanna loose whatever we’ve got
I keep hanging on knowing I can’t win
Cause it’s too hard to start over again
Invisible
So, if your thinking of going around with the Soc in your life for another dance then, remember what it feels like to be invisible & hum this in your head.
LOVE & LIGHT 🙂
PR XOXOX
Wow, I can’t get over how many soc’s are out there and how many people are affected….the more I read, the more I’m blown way!!!!!
Ditto 🙂
I think Positiva has opened a can of worms & given so many of us a voice but,
look how many people have been traumatizedby these evil Soc’s 😦
I am glad I found this site as it has helped so much to know we are not alone 🙂
PR x
Mine said same…I’m a big girl..I made my own decisions… blah blah
hey. i stumbled across this because of the article on the huffington post with female diagnosed sociopath M.E Thomas and flags went up all over the place about my ex (my kids dad) so i looked into it more and came across your blog and well now i think if he not a sociopath or he defo has pretty much all the traits (that creepy empty stare makes sense now .. the eyes are the window to the soul or lack of one) except the working cos he has worked most the time but as M.E Thomas said some soc do work and play there games there (which he did some very nasty ones i found out about) tho he managed to still get well over 10 grand off my parents (im a only child and they have very well paid jobs so i think he saw me as a source to them) and even tho he has worked most the time he has terrible debts. he is also a alcoholic (which i read somewhere else they say about 70% of them have drink or drug addictions) and has been violent when he had lost control. i wont go into the many twisted things he did when was together cos would be here all day. when i finally managed to get him out my life after 2 years of trying by getting him arrested for hitting me when he lost control n the mask slipped he was awful i was getting horrid texts then he would turn up out blue n ask me to take him back what a freak.. lucky for me the hold was broke on me by then n i never took him back cos i hate him with a passion, he found a new source within 3 weeks .. was with her 3 years n totally ruined her she lost her job she had for years he stole money which she got blame for n she had to move miles away..tho he still did his tricks with me while he was with her, one example was i on benefits and was single and he found the job centre n said i was living with someone wasn’t till they came round i realized they had been following me for month .. i didnt even have a bf at the time!! lucky they realized something not right and the man who came to my house even said to me do you have any enemies which i didn’t except him .. i also suspect he poisoned our old cat we had when was together cos after he split with her he moved back to estate i live on and my cat started to get ill but vet could never work out what it was n one day he just disappeared, but he clever can only suspect it him very hard to prove anything with him. after the poor woman he ruined after me it took him a month to find next one n he got himself another source who he has been with 3 years now i don’t know what happening there cos wasn’t till he had ruined that previous one n it all fell apart i found out what had been going on but i hear that she don’t see any her old mates n has fallen out with her family cos of him. people who don’t know him very well think he lovely n charming ha what a joke. cos i have 3 kids with him i have to have some contact but it only only ever a one line txt about the kids, he gets annoyed cos i tell him nothing :).. the kids now have stopped sleeping over there every other Saturday from there request not mine tho i happy they don’t wanna stay over ..my eldest who 17 who he tried to alienate from me n did for about 2 years but luckily the fact i’m a good person and he ain’t finally shone through n she saw him for what he is, she was even worried he mite start taking pay day loans out in her name cos he made sorta joke about it and she doesn’t trust him at all. they even can see something not right about him. tho it such a shame for my kids i have a lovely dad n they got one like him who even if he not a proper soc he defo devoid of normal feeling. the only thing he seem to have feeling for is money money money.tho i have to be careful with my ex as he is violent and i found out recently he collects things like knives (creepy) and he has a bit of a obsession with death after we split he changed jobs to work in funeral place he totally desensitized to things that would faze normal people (double creepy) i gonna stop now cos i could go on n on lol. but to sum up things are ok for now but whenever he loses his current source cos i’m the mother of his kids he starts up at me a bit again but i can handle that cos i tell him where to go but not in angry way i say everything in a monotone to him i hide all my emotions from him. lose the fear or show loss of fear even if haven’t and they lose the control cos no point playing with you if your not playing there game anymore ..he pretty much leaves me alone now.. i just watching out that he don’t play the mind games with the twins now like he did my eldest but as they don’t sleep over his now and he has only bothered to see them for hour half in last 4 weeks since they stopped staying over hopefully should be less chance of that
i didn’t point out i was with him 11 years!! so it did take long time to break that hold .. it not easy but can do it 🙂
Wow Bek, Good girl & well done for surviving 🙂
My Soc of 10 years has never divorced his wife & has been gaming her for 35 years now & does it through his adult kids to keep tabs on her & destroy other relationships etc… 😦
Really sad & i don’t even think she realises???
Love & Light 🙂
Welcome to the site 🙂
PR xoxox
This is in response to jusagirl’s post 8/28 12:12
I do believe in the idea of “mirroring” in an effort for us to see certain lessons as a means to grow etc. I think if we look back we can certainly see what those lessons were/are. It can be a hard pill to swallow especially when one is as diabolical as the soc but if we need to learn to trust ourselves and our instincts, then maybe we need very strong lessons, or something that wakes us up? Good to have you contributing here, it’s helped me a lot, don’t give up!!!
Just wanted to share a quote a friend posted on her Facebook page this morning… “Watch the little things, a small leak will sink a great ship.” Food for thought.
@Jusagurl 🙂
I still have something up my sleeve but, will let you know if it’s successful, fingers crossed.
I may sink that ship once & for all?
PR xoxo
Hey PR et all. Rough night. Been doing sooooo good. Why oh why am I missing him so bad now? I keep wondering how can he just vanish for so long like this? Does he not remember me? They really don’t care about us do they? My heart is breaking tonight.
I don’t think they do. Mine told me Friday he was taking off out of town till Weds. This was the “reason” why he couldn’t come with me to do something Sunday. Then he pulse-checked me Sat. with a false invitation to a “family function”. I believe he really wanted to see if I’d be willing to agree to do anything with him while he has cut off phone communications with me. I told him, “Sure, call me.” That call, of course, never came…because then he’d probably have to explain my obvious out-of-state area code being present in his phonebook again, and that would ruin his little arrangement with whichever women he’s now running in circles (and/or, he might not have even been in town at that point, but with another, God knows).
It would be nice if they ever thought of anyone but themselves, sadly, they don’t appear to. Haven’t heard from him since and tomorrow is his supposed return. I have been very busy with other stuff and my mind has been clear of him, so far.
Jusagirl, if we don’t learn from these experience, we will be more like them…and I don’t want to be like him.
I don’t want to forget, cause if I forget I will repeat the same story one time and another.
It is like a scar, you see it, remembered what happen and the aches it caused, but you’ll not feel the actual ache…
oooooo, PR, what *are* you up to? Can’t wait to hear back…
J.
🙂 patience is a virtue…stay tuned & I will let you know soon hopefully 🙂
PR x
U got laryngitis. I get insomnia.
Hey J’bug,
I had both 😦
Keep going, it gets easier but, takes a lot of time & those wee small hours make it tough!
You must focus on you & how he made you feel when it was bad not good & keep up the fight to a Brand New YOU 🙂
Love PR x
PR,
Ha, got a letter from my ex today, knew he’d write since I blocked him from my phone and e-mail. He said the reason he broke up with me was because he suspected I was cheating and looked on Match.com and saw my profile with my pic, even sent the pic (which just happens to be on my e-mail and FB page) with some weird username which I would never use. I do not have a profile on any website and while I did about 4 &1/2 years ago, it was deleted so I cannot imagine how there would be anything about me on one. I responded via e-mail and told him it was completely false and that if I had an account it would show on my computer or there’d be a record of payment on my bank statement and that I’d be happy to show him both. Without going into all the details in the letter and e-mail, it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read, I even laughed out loud when I read it, how in the hell did he even come up with that nonsense?????
Hey CB 🙂
He wants to make you look like the bad guy cause they hate that your onto them. I think their biggest fear is discovery so, they try to turn it all back onto you.
Mine would always throw stuff I didn’t do in my face & I would scramble to try & figure it out then give up…no point as you can never outwit a liar!
He even said I gave him the arse 3 times & I didn’t.
I just stopped reacting & trying to figure him out so, when I didn’t react he would have his friends or family call to keep me in the game….really weird stuff they do.
Mine also had his best friend a policeman call me after the final blow to see if I was okay????
Dah what a jerk!
Love PR x
PR, I am just shaking my head, why even bother? It makes no sense what so ever, do they think we’re that stupid? He knows I am a master slueth and will catch his lies, I feel like I’m dealing with someone who’s mentally retarded (Not to be mean) or maybe 8 years old at best…..come on!!!!! I just have to laugh, it’s so damn stupid!!!!!
Yes CB LOL,
It’s one of the major ‘Red Flags’ if you have to play detective so, he’s upping the game on you.
Just laugh at him cause he’s playing around, what a classic Jerk!
Are you sure we aren’t twins?
LOL love PR x
If we are twins, I welcome it, you’re a great “Sister” 🙂
Honestly, it just makes me laugh because it’s so damn pathetic and the best part is, I know what he’s trying to do and calling him on it, he has no idea what he’s up against and if he wants to play a game of wits, he’s gonna lose…..sheesh!
Sister C 🙂
You are amazing so, remember the game of Chess at the end of it the pieces all go back in the same box!
Find your passion & write about your experience of him, that will help many more of our sisters 🙂
Your a writer I think?
You are smart, creative & funny just like me so, don’t waste time on him you have more important things to do 🙂
If your ever in Australia, you’d be welcome at my house 🙂
Love & light always 🙂
PR xoxox
PR,
YOU are a Godsend, yes, I love to write and have an awesome sense of humor, it helps me through a lot as I’m sure your’s does. I do want to help others as well, it has made all the difference to have found this site, I woudn’t know what I know now without the expense and years of therapy most go through. I don’t even have a passport but if I ever come to Australia, I’ll definately look you up, we’d have the best time!!!
I off to bed, thanks and enjoy your night!!! xoxoxo
Good night Bella C,
You sleep well & dream of coming to Oz 😉
It’s 2 pm here LOL 🙂
x
For You CB 🙂
http://kimberlyharding.wordpress.com/2013/02/10/women-dont-stop-telling-your-stories-please/
PR xoxo
The comments about gamesmanship are interesting. My daughter just found out yesterday that her ex-boyfriend had a bet going this summer with one of his “best friends” — who could kiss the other one’s ex-girlfriend first. The friend didn’t (and I am sure still doesn’t) realize he was playing games with a sociopath. Of course he lost the bet — first because he didn’t even try with my daughter because he knows who she is and that she would never have anything to do with any of her ex’s friends (she has cut off all contact with everyone associated with him, in both social media and the real world), much less kiss some random guy she isn’t even dating, but second because a sociopath will do whatever it takes to win — even if it means alienating a friend he has had since kindergarten. The other guy is apparently so angry he is no longer speaking to my daughter’s ex. I would guess he never even realized the bet was serious. Sad really. When I related this to a close friend, her comment was “boys will be boys — that’s how teenage boys talk — they’re stupid.” And that is what I mean about people not taking the sociopath thing seriously. Yeah a kiss is pretty innocuous and teenage boys do stuff like this — but still, this is about looking at other human beings as objects you can use for your own satisfaction without regard for what your actions might do to them. And being willing to risk (and lose) a lifelong friend just so that you can win. Can you imagine the thrill he must have felt in his little black heart when he got that kiss? Imagine what these “stupid” games will become as he gets older…..the only reason this game was so relatively innocent is because these are “good Christian boys” — at least, one of them is. The other is a sociopath.
Hi MamaBear 🙂
My daughter calls me Mamabear all the time & she is Babybear & we txt on the iphones Bear symbols 🙂 LOL
I just wanted to tell you about some great friends of mine who realised their now mid 40’s son is a Sociopath.
We were talking about him just the other day & they said he had a friend who told them he “burnt” him (not literally) but, made a fool of him in front of his peers when they were teenagers & it destroyed their friendship forever.
Until then they had been inseparable & the nice boy idolised the Soc.
My friends (Soc’s parents) no longer have anything to do with their son as he turned very mean & did really cruel stuff to them 😦
They are the loveliest people & he was okay until his mid teens then went really cold on them. He was always trying to ‘big note’ himself & would brag about his abilities etc…& lied & manipulated everyone.
I hope the nice boy in your story doesn’t suffer too much humiliation in the Soc’s game 😦
They really are as cold as ice….like the Black Hole they suck everyone in!
I am glad your beautiful daughter has you to help & guide her 🙂
She will be okay, just a very nasty lesson that will protect her in future from these predators.
Love & Light 🙂
PR aka Mamabear 🙂
Hi PR/Fellow Mamabear. 🙂 Yep, if anyone would like to know what the teenage version of a sociopath looks like, I would be glad to share what we have seen — it’s a little scary. I feel a little silly talking about things like bets on kissing and all of that, not that this guy doesn’t already have an extensive sexual history, he does, just thankfully not with my daughter! But then I read all of the other stories here and get a sick feeling that I am probably getting a glimpse into this guy’s future unfortunately–he fits the profile to a T. And that is why I thank God every day my daughter had this experience NOW rather than later. For an 18 year old boy he is already very skilled but nothing in comparison to these adult sociopaths. Yet still the sociopath profile fits him so accurately, the more I read, the more convinced I am that this is who he is. I am sorry to hear about your friend’s experience with their son, it must be so heartbreaking for them. I imagine unless some kind of miracle occurs, that is where this guy and his parents are headed. I have met his parents, I would guess they have no idea (or don’t want to know) who their son really is.
Hi Mbear 🙂
My Soc told me he was sexually active by 12 years of age & that he had wanted to do it from 7!!! He also said he went after older girls etc…& has continued to wreak havoc. He’s 58 now so, a lot of damage lies in his wake 😦
So, if the boy is showing all the flags now, then God help whom ever crosses his path 😦
His parents probably think somethings not right & may never get it or he will do something to damage them???
I am sad your baby girl has had to deal with him but, better now he’s out of her life.
You will protect her & teach her to expect nothing but the best. Trust her gut & never compromise herself for anyone 🙂
With you in her corner she will be just fine 🙂
Love & Light to you & stay away from that boy/Soc he’s obviously bad news 😦
PR xoxo
Thanks so much for encouraging words, PR, I do so appreciate it. Yep, this guy is only 18 but already leaves a trail of disgusted girls behind him a mile long. When he started up with my daughter, part of his “testimony” as a Christian was about how his wake-up call was the morning-after when he and his then-girlfriend got “carried away” while making out and ended up having sex. Portrayed himself as an average teenage boy with this one “oops.” HA. All teenage boys are horny as all get out, let’s be honest, but this guy really takes the cake. He dates 2 kinds of girls — sweet, pretty, innocent girls like my daughter who make him look like a nice guy because otherwise why would this nice girl give him the time of day? And then the “other” kind of girls, whom he just “does stuff” with. I know that sounds dumb but “does stuff” is how the teens express it now, and it can mean anything and everything sexual. His pattern is to drive these girls in his car to a secluded park and….what happens happens. He also likes to use FB to hit them up for it in advance. I think I mentioned way upthread on this page that we found out after the fact that he got in trouble late last year for “doing stuff” with a 14-year-old in his youth group at church — he was 18 at the time so the cops got called in. How he got out of this I do not know but they didn’t press charges even though in our state it’s statutory rape. I have seen a photo of this little girl — by a twist of fate my daughter ended up be-friending her without even knowing at the time that she had a history with the soc! — she doesn’t look more than 12! So it isn’t all about sexy women who turn him on, it’s just what to me looks like an out of control sex drive that he cannot or does not want to control. He will do anything with anybody is how I see it. I still do not know why he didn’t try anything with my daughter although ironically she says in retrospect that while he didn’t try anything physical, he would say things trying to move the conversation in that direction — but because he presented himself as this awesome, clean-cut Christian boy who respected her virtue, she didn’t realize that was what he was doing, so she didn’t pick up on it and he got nowhere. Ha, foiled by his own subterfuge! 🙂
Thankfully your daughter has good moral coding & he couldn’t break her down, he would have eventually so, she is lucky to have YOU 🙂
What a shame he will hurt so many but, what can you do?
It’s just good you & your baby are free from his cunning & manipulation.
He will steer clear of you as he will sense you are onto him 🙂
Keep up the great work, your daughter should be proud of you & likewise 🙂
Superwomen 🙂
PR xoxox
Make a list of what he is getting from your home (this way he will not have an opportunity to come back for the most stupid things. Ex. Contact lenses solution)
If you have the opportunity of a third person deal with his visit, use it. Your friends understand whats happening and Im sure the will help to protect you.
Our prayers are with you. You’ll be strong
And, while we’re talking about lists… here’s an interesting one: http://blog.californiapsychics.com/blog/2013/08/know-madly-love-you.html?masid=96aa2180-030d-4320-86ed-fe0a371240f8&masname=Creative&utm_source=dailynewsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=usnewsletter&utm_content=active&utm_campaign=Wednesday_USA_20130828_active_Final. (Note: Probably not a good idea to measure soc’s against this…)
With a sociopath
There is no real like
No real lust
No real love
No real madly in love
No real nothing.
Ahhhhh but NMI. There is real death.
AWWWW J’bug 🙂
Death is sometimes a release 🙂
The death of a relationship can be a very big release & I hope you intend to live like there’s no tomorrow, nothing is permanent & everything passes.
You are here for a good time not a long time so, don’t waste it 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxox
I appreciate all the helpful info on here! A lot of it describes my 13 yr. marriage & has risen many questions about a good friend I talk with & haven’t seen in about 7 yrs.(he was also friends with my husband). A lot of things that I’ve went thru with this friend jolted in2 my head while reading.
With him I die so many deaths, real and fictional I was so lost
I came back from an “inferno” that I never thought can exist.
Everyday I celebrate with a little detail…today I paint my nails with a vibrant color (the same he says only the whores used) and for me is like a simple reaffirmation “I’m free, he doesn’t define me, he isn’t my dictionary”
Omg NMI, mine used to want me to paint my toenails red & wear open toed shes…they really are the same!
He also liked me to leave my shoes on in intimate times…I was happy to leave them on so, I could escape asap 🙂 LOL…..I actually felt like this sometimes,like I was escaping???
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo