All sociopaths are different. Some wait for the perfect prey, others simply target someone that has previously been victimised and is vulnerable, or lonely.
If you have been through a rough time before, and seek to find another relationship to feel better and get over the hurt and pain of the last one – STOP!!!
Take a deep breath, and take a step back, as you are the perfect target for a sociopath.
Online dating is a perfect place for meeting a sociopath. Remember the four things that sociopaths do:
Making the assessment stage easy
On line dating, is for the sociopath, easy pickings. After all, what difficulty is there in the assessment if you have already told him everything about you in your profile? Your dating profile has clearly highlighted your needs, wants and wishes. In your about me, you write who you are, what you enjoy, things that are important to you. You might have photos of the things that are important to you. You write your hobbies and interests. There ARE sociopaths who will rewrite their own profile to match yours, so that they seem like the perfect partner, and can quickly pick you up, faking to be the perfect partner for you.
If you are looking for a soul mate and your perfect match, who better to be that perfect match than a sociopath? The sociopath can effectively mirror to be anyone that they wish to be, if it looks like you are offering what they wish to take.
Of course, not all people on on line dating sites are predators, or sociopaths. But, realistically, it is the most obvious place to meet one. There is no face to face contact. They can seduce you by email, move to phone quickly, love bomb you, and ensure that your profile is quickly taken off.
Relationship moves quickly
The sociopath will likely cast their net out wide, sending numerous emails. Who will be the lucky winner? Who is most receptive to his deception? Will it be you?
Bingo, he targets, he scores, and you respond – it’s a winner…. However, the sociopath doesn’t like competition. After a very short period of contact, the sociopath will try to close the deal, to make you exclusive to them, and only them (they don’t want anyone else trampling over their sentimental property).
Further manipulation occurs, to let you know just how ‘special’ you are to them, they try to get another way to contact you, often this is to add you to Facebook, or get your phone number. Once they have removed you from the dating site, they can then begin the next move, EXCLUSION. They tell you that you are so special, they think they have found the one, and have closed their profile on the dating website. This will make you feel obliged to remove your own. You might not have made a decision that he or she is the right one? After all, you haven’t really got to know each other, yet, he/she seems incredibly interested in you. This feels good. You might have numerous mail from other people. But the sociopath wants to ensure that you are theirs and that nobody else will steal you. The motive, is not because you are so special. The motive, is to take you off the market.
He will ask for your number, and your social networking details. He will say something like”‘there are lots of other photos of me on there”, or “I have real friends and family on there” With Facebook, he can glean even further information from you. Making his work of assessment easy. He can then quickly move onto the seduction stage. You will feel swept off of your feet, and your head is spinning, you feel sure that you have met someone very special, you believe that you have met a real true soul mate connection (fancy the chances huh?)
Keep yourself safe online. Keep your correspondence online. Until you are sure. Do not move to other social networking pages or anywhere that gives further information about you, before you are ready. Otherwise, you could find yourself thinking you have fallen in love with with someone before you have even met.
Ask yourself these following questions
- Is this moving fast
- Has he asked for phone number, social networking, keen to meet up before you are ready?
- Does he seem to have so much in common with you?
- Is his profile almost a mirror image of your own?
- Does he seem to say virtually nothing wrong?
- Does it feel like you have known him for a lifetime, perhaps many lifetimes?
- Is he exactly what you have listed in your profile, a perfect match for you?
- When you meet does he seem EXACTLY (in terms of personality) the same as he was online?
- Does he try to stay over at yours when you meet?
These things could be an indication of a genuine love connection. However, the BIGGEST indicator, is if you meet in real life, and they are IDENTICAL to the person that you have talked to online. Normally it isn’t like this. Normally people are a bit different to the person that you thought you were talking to online. As the sociopath is deceptive and faking who they are, when you meet, they will be (if their photos are clear), EXACTLY who you thought you were talking to online. This is the biggest tell tell giveaway.
- Go careful online, don’t give too much information about yourself away.
- Don’t move to exclusivity and be taken off of the market, if you are not sure that this is what you want.
- Know what you want.
- Verify that the person is who they say that they are.
- Make sure that you meet their family and friends, again to verify who they are (not meeting anyone connected to them, is a huge red flag).
- Make sure that you meet in a public space
- If you do add them to your social networking account, ensure that you have privacy settings. A sociopath WILL go through your timeline to find further information about you, prior to meeting
- Take things SLOWLY – if it is genuine and the right connection, this person will wait for you!
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65 thoughts on “Online dating dangers”
OMG….I dated a sociopath I met on-line and his line, “I’ve taken my profile off the site.” When I asked him why, “I found you.” It makes me shudder to think how I was played. I’ll tell my story in the story section. Even after 8 freaking months, I’m still trying to get over that. It’s refreshing to read all your articles and other people’s stories. This will never happen again…..at least, I have the tools now that I didn’t before to prevent it.
He did the same to me. That is their way of cornering you. By telling you that he has taken his profile off, you feel obliged to do the same. Ownership.
Nice to meet you Lenore. There will be a forum here in a couple of days for group support 🙂
Mine was also cheating via numerous dating sites the whole time we were together, even more reason to get me to close my account. BTW, I saw your site in the past and decided he can’t be because he has a good income. I now know several who are on good money. They don’t have to tick all the boxes to be a sociopath.
Mine happened in real life it all happened fast he moved in with me we had triplets and since than he’s been an online cheating predator … he contracted hiv lucky I don’t get it but sadly he’s out there on dating sites looking for victims now on marriedmindedpeople we need a website than or app that warns other women about a sociopath! Remember to ask for std status this asshole is going around not telling women he’s infected
Good on you girl!!! I dated them too and I lived to tell the tale. A word of caution though; be ruthless with your assessments, it is very easy to meet another kind and fall for him too! I have until I learned the hard way that there are no exceptions to the rules, don’t listen blindly to unique twists of the same story.
I had the same unfortunate experience and am now healing from a 14 month relationship with a sociopath. I met my ex boyfriend on Match and he is the epitome of a sociopath/narcissist who did everything and had the character traits that I have read about on this site and other support sites. I just didn’t do my research, and so much is obvious to me in hindsight. I thought he was perfect, charming, well educated, bestowed expensive gifts upon me, wined and dined me, put me on a pedestal, mirrored me, pretended to have integrity, emotional accountability. Basically, whatever I was looking for he transformed into it. I learned he had been doing this for almost 40 years! I was aware he had a couple ex-wives and ex-fiancee – all ended due to his serial cheating and lying. My pain is insurmountable some days – to realize my “soul mate” wasn’t real and I was duped and played as a pawn in his cruel game to satisfy his sick mind that is incapable of love only to be discarded in an instant. A “normal” person will go crazy trying to process what happened and find logical answers, but there is no point because these people are mentally ill and cannot be helped. Help yourself. You may ask how another human being could inflict such emotional abuse on someone they loved and were intimate with. Please educate yourself, beware, be safe, go slow, and trust your instincts. Heal and don’t worry about tomorrow. Eventually you will be over the hurt and when you are healed and ready true love will be there for you.
Thank you Diane for sharing. I could not believe it as I read your story as I believe I have dated that SAME man … Only I endured 20 months of deceit … Every single word you have stated is my story and my feelings towards the experience … I’m still hurting and angry 3 months later.
I am currently in the “just talking” phase of a guy I met online last week. He’s already disclosed to me that he’s been divorced twice and that’s what’s lead him to be dating. He isn’t checking most of these boxes to me but I am concerned because he gives me a lot of compliments and says things like “prayers do get answered” and stuff like that when we talk. Is he just quirky or should I be worried ?
Found My cheating fiancé on match wonder if it was him you met exactly same behaviour was his name glen ?
I think that fear out of meeting a sociopath should not prevent you from trying to find your soulmate online, or in any other way, either. In fact, you should not be afraid to take risks to achieve anything in life. When it comes down to attain the best what life has to offer and reach your goal, it is inevitable that you will have to deal with difficult situations and difficult people, sociopaths just being one of many dangers in life. In the grand scheme of things, they are but a minor inconvenience, their existence largely irrelevant. You should worry about having confidence in your own beliefs and actions, analyzing and being mindful of the actions and behavior of others, questioning yourself when you are doubtful and educating yourself when needed. If you do this, you will be fine, you will be able to deal with anything, sociopaths will be nothing. But whatever happens, don’t be afraid to fail.
I’m impressed, I have to admit. Rarely do I come across a blog that’s both equally educative and engaging,
and without a doubt, you’ve hit the nail on the head. The problem is an issue that not enough people are speaking intelligently about. Now i’m very happy that I came across this during my hunt for something relating
OMG !! Thanks for the info girls ..this happened to me to .He literally was so fast that we were planing ( no he was planning ) moving in together and having a happy future after 2 month being together .He left me 2 weeks ego , out of the blue after having a dinner out with my friend ( and according to my friend he look so in love with me wow! ) than bang when we got home he broke up with me and I haven’t seen him since …. I was shocked , and later on I called him to confirm what has happened and when he answered the phone he wasn’t this same sweet charming guy anymore and .he told me that for him it is over , as he doesn’t feel he loves me , while he knows I am in love with him .( but my ladies who wouldn’t be in love with a men who were acting accordingly to the rules you shown above ) Thanks for helping me understand with whom I was dealing as for a moment I was emotionally broken .
( Do apologize for my grammar as I am foreign )
Hang on why was he taking your friend out to dinner??
The men on line dating is not looking for true love , more like regular sex partner wiyhout Drama
If u don’t fit to his convenience , he dispose u as old shoes n go for next one on other dating sites
I m crushed myself being so naive n not experienced
My ex was blanantly taking out his next intended victim right under my nose and expecting me to pay for it. Sociopaths like to make you feel that ‘You’ are the sociopath! if you thawt or otherwise inconvience them.
It just happened to me. I feel awful.
Sorry you are feeling so bad 😦 sending you a hug!!
Be aware of men who always want a message, they like to keep them as trophies, also be careful of men who want phone sex, who knows they might record the it
I meet a guy on POF, we went out once. He then sent me a picture of his itty bitty (you know what). The guy was a complete sociopath, truly crazy after only one date. I’m glad I read this blog, all the warning signs that are listed, he showed them. Ann, so very true what you posted.
Same here…date 1- sad story date 2- picture of his junk, 4 months in talked about wanting to marry me and at 6 months dumped me out of nowhere.
I’m a guy I had a girl do the same.
Of course she didn’t have junk but still this goes both ways. It is sad I almost bought her a ring then I woke up. She was so good at what she did though.
go glad I found this site. A guy contacted me on pof. He is supposedly from the UK, working in the US. I can’t find anything on line in the UK or US for him, His facebook was opened 3 days before he contacted me.
He was in love in one week. I have not given him m name or regular email address. I told him to slow down but claims he is crazy about me but he has ever even met me, and only knows my first name. This all sounds fishy. He also took his profile off POF and asked me to do so too,
I met my ex husband of on a dating site.
He was from Australia. I am American.I began chatting with him online through emails. I than spoke to him by phone for a short time. Soon he was telling me I was his soul mate. That he was in love with me. That he didn’t need to meet me or see a picture he was in love. I was very young. I was very naive, and very lonely. He knew that. He ended up selling all of his belongings, and than asking me to marry him. This happened in less than year. People told me not to marry him. But he seemed like someone I had known my whole life. Fast forward many many years. I don’t believe he ever loved me. He became abusive to me. He controlled everything. Emotional abused me, and even sometimes physical abusing me. He hid the fact that he used drugs, was an alcoholic. I also found out he was abusing women in Australian.i found out that one of his girlfriends moved across the country to get away from him. The other had a protective order against him. I also met his mother, and she was abusive to me as well. She would make international calls, just to attack me, and bully me.
Every one thought he was so nice. Although they were not witnessing the abuse I was.
He was manipulative, and gaslighted every thing. Nothing was ever his fault. He was I call a narcissistic sociopath.
After my experience with him, I don’t ever want to be in a relationship every again. I am pretty sure he will find his way on to dating sites, or where every he can find his next victim. He seems very nice, and charming.
Met online, after 12 months,of long distance and flying back and forth across the country, I moved to be closer to him. He dumped me 9 days after i arrived and went on a date with a woman he had been talking to online, that very night! Turns out he had been getting up in the middle of the night to talk to her while I slept in his bed only a couple of feet away. So .. now I am in a strange city, strange state and completely isolated … and he doesn’t give a toss. Who does that??
So sorry I almost did the same thing
Oh holy Hell! That’s what happens when you are naive to people like this. I literally lived in hell on earth after meeting my “soul mate” via POF and married him (yes, now that I know it seems so foolish of me). I moved across the country with my son only to have him literally flip switch as soon as we moved in. That caring, “love of my life”, the man who I fell in love with no longer existed. He was violent and did unspeakable things. Two years later, I finally escaped in fear for my life with now two children. Lesson learned. Be VERY careful. Believe no one by their words and take things SLOWLY!!! They will get bored with you and/or show their true colors over time. The right one will wait; sociopaths won’t. Best of luck!
I forgot to mention…this blog describes their MO to a “T”! The sociopath I was involved with had me delete my POF profile within two weeks of meeting but prior to, wanted to chat via facebook so I could see the “real” him and so on. I hobestly believe he found my POF file, chabged his to match mine, and so the story goes. I fpund pictures on his laptop that were from my profile and his that matched them as though he downloaded them to find one of his that matched most similar. All psychological tactics. Kudos again to the person who wrote this blog.
Thank you Renee I hope that you are on the. road to healing and recovery and have support to help you. Welcome to the site
your artical is so sexiest it unbelievable he this and him that really, I must be missing the point please of yous ladies correct me if im wrong, is one of these people on loads of dating site or something is this what a sociopath is, like everything your saying, let me put it like this if i was a girl in a club and a guy approached me and said how you doing, I like you do you want a drink, but nowadays most people say facebook me and in the end of the night get your number does that make the guy a sociopath lol or am I missing the concept lol
Yes, its an old post. One of the first that I wrote on MY BLOG. About MY PARTNER at the time :)He was a guy. I wrote gender neutral about a year ago when the blog became popular.
the only difference being if a guy asks all these things and does all these things on a dating site hes a sociopath this is my last post, im sorry you have had a bad turn on a dating site if that what happened
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have been involved with a sociopath man on n off for 4 years. I just found out that there was a title to his craziness. 2 years ago I thought we were so in love and he left me after I moved hours away with him for no reason. Two years later he got in touch with me saying that he apologizes and how he wants to make it up to me! Like an idiot! I moved out of state with him with my son and since the day I moved here 9 months ago it has been hell! Everything he promised not one thing came true! We fought n fussed for all theses months! Two weeks ago we got into a fight and he slammed me and broke my ankle In three places. I am in a cast and on crutches and will be for 3 months! He asked me to stay and to let him take care of me just until I heal but two days later he was cold to me! Now I have to drive from TX to CA with a broke ankle with my son and all my things in my car! I gave up my apartment for him now me n my son have to go sleep on my mothers floor until I get my life back on track! How can someone be soo cold?! I’m driving tomorrow pray for me pls. Glad I found the site. 🙂
glad you found the site too, your not alone in this. i could relate to your story i too was left homeless with no where to go, gave up my apartment and everything too. its an awful feeling. i stayed with my sister who i really dont get along with for 2 years i just recently got my life back and moved back into my own place. im glad you have your moms to stay at for now. im also sorry he hurt you no one has that right i hope you go forward and never look back. good luck and prayers your way. karen
Thanks Karen 🙂
I have done this to soo many girls and the best part about it is that I DO NOT CARE lol The only thing we want is sex and will do and say WHATEVER it takes to Get it. I could honestly write a book on all the different stories I have with different girls.
Im a high functioning path. I troll dating sites to find other male paths. Bc I understand being a path it’s so fun to lead loser male paths on. Just write a usual flaky naive profile, when I someone who matches contacts me, I just go back and write the opposite stuff, and say we have nothing in common. My goal is to see if they can figure out I’m better at being a path than they are. It’s good time killing and helps me learn to fit into society better.
Also, if they are extra pushy, I just eff with them until they give up, they never get me to rage, but I’m sure I get them to rage often! Lol
Wow, all this information of everyone’s experience is really a big help to me. It’s sad that there are so many people in the world that lie about who they are and don’t have any fellow feelings.
Especially if you are a father or a brother or have a relative who you would not want to have this happen to them! Time has come down to not trust anyone in order to be safe instead of sorry!
It happens to us fellas too. I met my ‘soulmate’ on POF. She was wonderful. Perfect for me. I never second questioned anything. We chatted for a good while via POF, exchanged numbers and spoke on the phone and texted often. We went on our 1st date just about a month after our 1st encounter on POF. We did not leave each other’s sides from that day on. I will admit I could have done things differently. But she presented herself like someone out of a fantasy and I fell hard and deep really quickly. We both had children, her a child, and we both had visions for the future for the best life possible for them and us. I spent all my time with her. A few times I could have spotters red flags of obscure jealousy and possessiveness, but I overlooked it because of the thought of who I met and how I was love bombed. After 4 months of being together, she accused me of something so grotesque I don’t even want to say with one if my children. She was unremorseful and cold. Not the woman I met. Actually, she was a complete nightmare. I even forgave her, knowing her past, I tired to help the situation instead of run from it. Empathy and understanding were my downfall. She basically tried to destroy everything she knew I loved. My relationships with my children, family and friends. So this isn’t just for the ladies, we men get and have been duped as well. My advise is just to stay away totally from dating sites and just meet someone the old fashioned way if possible, and ALWAYS take your time no matter how much you dream of being in love… For a real love it’ll be worth the wait, the patience and not getting your heart broken and your world turned upside down. Good luck to all. Thanks for the article.
Welcome to the site Sammy…. aragh POF the sociopaths dream site. Free to join, so no outlay (they don’t like wasting their money) would prefer to spend others money. Yes they do destroy things that mean something to you, often because they do not have those same things in their own life 😦
I am a man that got duped by a female sociopath. She moved in after the first date (1st warning sign). She was the perfect girlfriend the first month. I was ready to marry her. Then one day she needed to go grocery shopping I gave her my ATM card and PIN. When I came home from work, the house was empty. Furniture, tools, electronics, anything of value was gone. My bank account was emptied as well. The real kick in the crotch came when I called the police. No crime had been committed they said. We were in a relationship so she could take anything she wanted. I can sue in civil court, but that would cost thousands with no guarantee. I dug into her past and found some other men she had seen. Same story. One guy was from 10 years ago! Crazy!!
This site has literally been a lifesaver for me. I spent almost 8 months in a relationship with a sociopath. It was my first relationship. 8 months have now passed since it ended. There are days I’m happy and barely think of him, and then there are days where the pain is unbearable. This STILL happens, even all these months later. I used to blame myself, but now I know better and don’t do that anymore. I know where the blame really belongs. Thanks for all this amazing info!
I guess for just a glimpse into what my relationship was like: we met on Facebook. We had mutual friends, which was his claim to knowing who I was in the first place. He friended me, and his birthday happened to be a few days after that. Back then, I used to wish everyone a happy birthday on Facebook (now, of course, I know better), and as a result he started messaging me. He seemed PERFECT, but of course he had a sob story of all the struggles he faced at home, etc, which I felt sorry for at the time, but now I know it was just used to bait me. The relationship went so fast to texting ALL THE TIME and Skype and meeting in person. Within less than 2 months, we officially became a couple, and on the day we made it official, he had already told me he loved me. He was obsessive, manipulative, controlling, and isolated me throughout the relationship. I had friends and family warning me, which prompted him to either go after them and silence them or convince me to shut them out. I found out that he had lied to me about a number of important things (for example, he told me I was his first girlfriend, but he actually had an ex just 2 or 3 months before me). He was obsessed with me keeping silent on our relationship, while he spread personal details behind my back. He would blame shift all the time when I tried to call him out on something, eliciting a reaction out of me and then shifting the focus on my reaction and how “he’s so afraid of me” and how “I need to change.” He would also always dig up my past mistakes in an attempt to either silence me or to try to justify his own actions. Whenever that didn’t work, he would then claim that he had horrible family struggles going on that he didn’t tell me about because “he didn’t want me to feel stressed/hurt” (for example, once he tried to fat shame me in public. After I got very upset with him for being so insensitive, he just so happened in that exact moment to “get a phone call” and claimed it was a relative telling him that his grandmother had pollups/pre-cancer. Then, of course, I fell for it and forgave him. Finally, one night, I called him out on a lie. He expertly elicited a reaction out of me like he usually does, then he broke up with me via text while I was at work. I called him later that night, and the person I talked to was not the illusion I was used to for so long. He was unfeeling, harsh, cold, and mean. Then, he tried to take it all back the next day in a half hearted text apology. Fortunately, with guidance from family and friends, I had enough sense and strength to break it off for good. I’ll never regret that decision as Iong as I live; the only decision I regret is ever accepting his friend request on Facebook. Be safe online, everyone! If he/she seems too good to be true, he/she probably IS too good to be true. Be on your guard, be aware, and do your research!
I met someone online and spoke for 3 weeks before we saw each other. He told me he loved me after 2 or 3 days. He told me after we spoke on the phone for 20 minutes that I’m the one and that he feels like he knew me for ages. He would call me every day and message me constantly, if i didnt answer he would get upset and call me constantly. He called me princess, angel, telling me how much he loves me all the time!!! He said that i make him a better person.
He said he traveled the world and had no pictures of it, but when he really went somewhere he would post 100 pictures on instagram about it.
I didn’t trust him much because of this love so sudden. If i had a problem with something like the place i stayed he would say that he will out me in another apartment. If i had a problem with my light, he said he will buy some lights for me. If i said i have problems with my job he said he would find another one for me. If i said i never traveled somewhere he would say that we will go soon.
Then he came to visit me and he was nice, we spend 5 days together and he would tell me every 5 minute that he loves me and im special but i never said it back. I would just smile and kiss him. He would say how he is going to wait for me but at the same time pressuring me. We went on a trip to another city and on the last day he was supposed to take all the luggages from the back of the taxi and he just left mine there and the taxi left. I think he did that on purpose just to make me feel bad because i didn’t say i love him and to appear like a savior promising that he will buy everything what i had inside again for me.
He acted like everything was ok and promised to come back and visit me again. Only to receive a message after a few days later, on my birthday that he is such a victim and that he came with the hopes of love but i don’t love him and that confuses him so we should only be friends. That its not me, its him. All lies lies lies. He told me how amazing i am but he is not the right man for me. Why? Because i don’t love him like he does. And i did not reject him in any way, and i was very kind to him.
After reading everything here and the I love you post i see that he is mentally ill, he is just a sociopath. All the traits were there, how he loved eveything that i loved, how he wanted to shower me with gifts and love just to make me love him and when it didnt work out he left me. I guess he didnt had the patience to end his plan. He constantly checked up on me if i loved him.
This is so crazy, i’ve dated another sociopath before, narcissistic one but i didn’t experience these showering of love.
Thank you for opening my eyes and understanding. He tried to blame me for not loving him after 2 days.
He expected you to love him after 2 days? they really don’t get it do they?
Looking at his latest ‘photo on line no sane woman would want to date the miserable,ugly git./////
I am a Pediatric Rehab physician in my early 50s, never been married. I have dated off and on online for years, finding some okay guys on there. But not this time…
I met my “Dream Man” (the Sociopath from Hell) here in Southern California in 2012-13 on Match.com shortly after his wife (older than him by 12 years) died of multiple brain tumors. (I didn’t know it had only been a few months since her death when we met.) Because of the tragedy of her death, I was slow to realize his uneven behaviors had to do with sociopathy.
They have written textbooks and other volumes together. He is a true narcissist, world-famous in his field. He has taught at major universities (and teaches at one still).
Within a few dates (to very nice places) he was “smitten”, calling me his “goddess”, “the one”, and other superlatives.
We dated a few months, went to Paris and on a French river cruise (which I largely financed). He is obsessed with Disneyland, so on his birthday I treated him to a large suite at the Disneyland hotel. Often, he will pay for nice dinners and getaways.He definitely was attracted to me for my money. He also likes women with a big chest (mine is), and mentioned many times that his late wife had breast implants.
He is witty, funny, smart, and we had lots of fun. He told me constantly how much he “adored” me, how I am his dream come true. Flowers, cards, picture texts, dates, and lots of attention.
I thought we were approaching marriage, but two days after a wonderful time he abruptly dropped me via text message. I was cresftfallen. I tried ringing his home and cell phones, but he would not pick up. Later, I found out he had another woman he met on Match (a professor at a different university), who he was wining, dining, and wooing. I think we overlapped. Within a few weeks of our “break-up,” he was texting me again. A few months later, he begged me to take him back. He said he had been “confused,” and was “still grieving” from his wife’s death. This happened a couple of times. He also started to reveal that he wanted me to live out his sexual fantasies (he had seemed so “normal” up to this point). He wanted to watch me have sex with another man. Then, he would cycle back to enormous jealousy, forbidding me to even go to the gym. Then, when he was drinking (he is an alcoholic), he would have me wear revealing clothing to get other men to look at me. Later, he would chastise me. He also told me he is “bi-curious” and has French-kissed and fondled some of his male friends. But he assured me he isn’t gay.
He invited me to his friend back East’s wedding and I though he would be proposing marriage to me.
He also asked a lot about my finances, how much I had, how much my house was worth, whether I had a trust, and if we would “pool” all our resources. His professor salary isn’t all that much for his lifestyle. But he has no kids, so maybe he does okay.
Usually when drinking, he has had violent rages–hacking into my cell phone and throwing the new phone across the room, isolating me from my friends, not being interested in my busy life. He attacks me saying the most demanding things. I am a graduate of two prestigious schools, important in my job and community. No one has ever treated me this way. He has never hit me, but he has verbally abused me. He demands that I text him constantly so I can earn his “trust”.
It’s pretty clear that he is bipolar.
I know you are thinking–“don’t do it”–but I did. Not the having sex with another man part, the taking him back part. And we went through the cycle again, except each time was shorter before he dumped me. Each time he was sending me more graphic porn text. I thought “no more,” and refused to answer his texts.
I discovered that he had proposed and gotten engaged to the professor he dumped me for the first and second times. Then, I discovered, he broke up with her when he found out she didn’t have 10 million (but only, it turns out 4 million).
Now, he’s back, and I have been going out with him again. It’s stupid, I know. I thought maybe I was being “uptight” for not enjoying (or at least being a good sport about) the porn text.
(I just discovered the engagement with the other woman yesterday.) I actually don’t know who is the “other woman” in this situation, whether it is me or his former fiancee.
He was a policeman in his younger years, and he told me once that he would be in prison if it wasn’t for his turning away from being a violent bully to helping people. He put a couple of young boys in the hospital for the beatings he gave them. His father tried to straighten him out, but it was apparently difficult.
He is still a violent bully to women. I know now why his wife did not want to travel with him and keep to her own private world of the kitchen and her writing.
This has gone on for over 3 years. I am getting professional help because obviously, despite my education and medical training, my loneliness or gullibility (along with pity for the guy’s “grief”) has made me vulnerable to a sociopath. I with you all well. Trust your instincts, and seek the help of friends, family, and professionals. NEVER let a man or woman who allegedly loves you attack, berate, abuse, or isolate you.
You NEED to break all ties with this man. You’re enabling him! God (yes God, you need Him) has someone special for you. Get right with God (read the bible) and trust Him for your own true husband. Will pray for you.
Beware the calm aloof man who will never be pushy.
Beware that what you assume is humour isn’t – see below.
Beware they have a partner, they don’t have a great job, they will tell you a sad story because you are special.
Watching paint dry
Totally fed up with having to write inane commentary into stupid boxes.
Who judges when a description is ‘too short?’. I already think this is far too long. Maybe I’ll hire a ghost writer.
Someone with a pulse would be nice
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I had a good 6 months of online dating experience and I would like to share all the horror stories that I have had so far:
1. The impersonator
This individual will use someone else’s photos ( usually a good looking white guy), fake names, IDs, driver’s licenses, passports and email addresses. They are like phantoms, they cannot be found on FB or any public media platforms. They will not facetime, skype or video call usually claiming that their phone’s camera are lousy, faulty or they cannot download the software or apps becos their PC does not have the capacity to do that ( 100% BS). Most of them claim to have a well paying job, but are currently in some financial trouble and only confides in you be cause you are special. Sometimes, the plots change a little, they will send photos of expensive gifts like 5 carat diamond rings, branded bags that they are sending to you. Even an airway bill to show that they are serious. When the items are due to arrive, there will be a guy from the courier company to call you and tell you that the goods are stuck at custom because they were not declared, usually at this point, they will request for money to clear the goods.
2. The Good looking widower
This individual claims to have lost his dear wife to terminal diseases, accidents or some unduly fate. He will text, email or call at very late hours and will appear depressed or distrusting. He is usually only interested to talk about himself and his troubles. Once he gain your trust he will move quickly to ask for money.
3. The young millionaire
He is usually younger and will give chase relentlessly until he gets your attention. He usually will flash an expensive car, will not have a good enough phone to video call or take pictures. He usually will blow hot and cold, then disappear completely.
4. The Good looking divorcee
He is cheated of love and wealth by some tramp who slept with his best friend and needs your all compassing love to heal. He appears well to do, has a good paying job and leaves in a prestigious place. But these are all a front to cheat unsuspecting women of their money.
I hope my post will help woman out there who are still hopeful about online dating. My score was 0/30, so if you are trying please take care and be vigilant! True love doesn’t require your money.
Thank you for sharing it is so meaningful and healing. I am very sorry for your pain and you each deserve to be loved and cherished. I lived with someone for over 20 years and finally he divorced me. However, girls be careful not to repeat the same cycle, this is an indication we need healing. I fell in love many years ago and married after only 3 months, he was great I thought and slowly lost myself, he became my god. After years of abuse, and much of it emotional I was left alone with my children, no home and no place to go. I had no skills, experience, and had not completed my BA. I soon met another sociopath who took us in after being homeless, I was the perfect target. Immediately, after moving there I learned how cruel he was, however, we had no place to go, and there was no such thing as public housing for us in our state. Me and my children learned how to live in such situations, how to passify. Unfortunately, we had no place to live. I tried numerous times to leave and had obtained employment but it was not enough to pay for the apartment, electricity…and we would go back. So I simply got to know his family, friends, and neighbors, and he now had accountability. We learned to be passive and pretty much lived apart in a separate part of the house. I had told him I would not tolerate him being cruel to my girls and would not excuse him of it, so I simply called the police. Simply after setting my rules, he stopped communicating and silence took on a new face, it was better than conflict and ugly comments. I would not be intimate and explained we were not married. I explained I could not commit until my annulment went through, all the while planning to leave. Of course the abuse and cruelty escalated, but when I finally completed my MA and got my annulment he believed I was his it became intolerable. Me and my girls are out now, I too had to drive across the country with my angle in a brace. During the past 5 years it was a hell, but we made the most of a most horrible situation.
We left and tried to live on our own 6 months, then went back, 8 months then went back…then we would leave during the day, stay in our rooms in the basement…I tried to keep us apart and have my children have as little interaction as possible. I always protected my girls, even if it meant sending them away. Soon there was only a cold silence for days, weeks, then months among him and us. But as my girls explained, “Mom this is better than getting yelled at”. So I had completed my BA and MA, and moved out after years of anguish. My children are in college and we have moved out, and I am now a teacher. We are now in the healing stages, but what is frightening is I had gone from one sociopath to another. Why? Why do I gravitate to them, why do they gravitate to me? I discovered after being an abused child, I went from one abuser to another. I had to heal and I am now in the healing process. We want to be loved, well I have prayed that God be enough that he fill that part of me that feels so unworthy of love. We are each finding inner joy and peace now, and I pray for my future spouse. Please find that peace, joy, and love that only God can fill especially if your life endured hurting and pain from the hand of others, especially those who should have loved and protected you. God can be enough at the moment, until he sends the right person to love you the way you should be loved. I gave my Heavenly Father my heart to give away to the perfect man he has planned for me and until then I will wait, heal, and pray. Trust your gut, that second brain, and if you crave this love so deeply, it could be a Heavenly Father who wants to love you that you are yearning for. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all shall be given” (mathew 6:33). He loves you and does want to bless you, but he can’t if you will not go to him.
Hi mary thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry this has happened to you. I dated more than one. This time i have stayed single and focused on my own healing.
Your words about God really resonated with me. After abusive in childhood, and an abusive marriage to a sociopath, I’m focusing on God and my relationship with Him. He’s my partner now. If He wants me to have love from a man then I’m sure He will put one in my path. But I don’t go looking for it. God is the love of my life now. Thank you for your beautiful message. It was just what I needed to hear-makes me feel like I’m really doing the right thing.
I’m currently in a relationship with a real deal Psychopath/Sociopath with a Compulsive Pathological Lying Illness and is a Bipolar person, but thru online only. Before we became together, he used to be my long termed writer friend in some free fan fiction websites. That’s where we first met, He seemed normal at first, you can’t accused him with this traits. We exchange email adds only (since I’m not comfortable giving my social media accounts or real name to him)..he agreed to that, and we exchange emails everyday except weekends, co’z he said that it’s his restday because he’s working during weekdays. The exchanging of emails became daily basis but, only normal greetings like friends will do to each other. I also asked him if his name that he’s been using in his email account is his real name, he said
“Yes”, then he asked me if “this is my way of saying goodbye and he considered me as his close friend now)..Until it stopped probably, 3 months because he said that he can’t open his email because it’s troubleshooting. I didn’t mind it thinking maybe it’s normal…then, he suddenly came back and emailed me again, saying his email now is working but, he tells me that he’ll give me his personal email saying that (it has his real name and other stuffs)..I kinda find it suspicious but i decided to ignored it again…then he kinda became defensive saying, (ok, before you say that i lied to you, i didn’t, we were getting to know each other and i give you the name i considered only as friends called me by..sorry if you thought the first one I’ve told you is my real name, it is though, my nickname)..then, i started to invite him using a messenger for much convenient chatting, he agrees and i also introduced him to my other online close friends to be his friends as well, thru group chat…he said to me that, “I’ve seen it and its mad messaging, i thought we are the only ones talking, not so many people, its unnerving)….I’ve became confused with that sudden changes of his attitude, first, he said he is looking forward to meet my friends, then he tells that its unnerving…then, he started to make a convo in the group chat to interact with my friends as well, he PM me that they are cool but, he feels left out and awkward because he feels that my friends didn’t liked him or something, i said to him that he’ll get used to it and they’re nice only shy to new people around them…then, i thought he’ll get used to it, but he caused drama or caused a scene in the group chat telling my friends that he had a rough life, that no one will understand him what he’s feeling or such…of course my friends became confused with the sudden changes of his behavior….then, he PM me again saying he’ll leave the group chat for good because it’s for the better…then after that, he change his mind telling me, it’s fixed and they’re all getting along fine…then, he said to me in PM that, it’s time for him to reveal what he looks like for me to know, since we were considered close friends now, that time..I’ve also shared my one pic to him….and he complimented him telling “I’m very pretty” but very defensive way of saying….then, as the time goes by, he became comfortable in the group chat…then, suddenly he confessed or more like asked an advice to my friends about something (I’m not online that time so Im not aware of that)…he tells my friends that “he feels as if he’s starting to develop something for a friend”…then my friends asked who is that…he gave them a hint telling “they’re the ones who introduced us to each other”…then my friends knew that it’s me…at first, he doesn’t want for me to know it…though, I accidentally saw that convo that’s why he panics and tells me “you weren’t supposed to know that, forget about it”…then, I said that don’t be awkward because we are still friends…then this matter died by weeks….then after that, the drama continues again and he lashed out at me as well…that’s the very first time he did that to me….I’ve take a break because of that and I tell him that also…then, couples of week…he apologized to me and to my friends about his behavior that time…he said that he’s only stressed….then, the normal routine continues…until he asked me a question out of the blue about “if you were to fall in love, what would be your type of guy? Just curious?”…I’ve said to him that “I want that person to be true to themselves…honest, just the way they is because they don’t need to change anything just to impress the person they like…”…then I ask why?…he started to virtually “blush” and said “nah, just asking is all, but thanks for mentioning that, I would be the type of guy to look for”…now, thinking about what he said about it, makes me think he’s trying too hard to meet my “ideal guy” or he is just so full of himself….then, I asked again why he blurted out that question out of the blue…he said, “I would just want you to think of me if you decided to fall in love”…then he added “and i fucked up right?…forget what I’ve said to you”…and I also said to him that I’m starting to develop some affections to him but not love at the moment…until it escalated for him to kinda “court” me…and asked me where we stand now…I’ve said we are that kinda together but I want to know him better and take it slowly…he agreed with that…until we announced to our friends in the group chat that we are together officially, but taking it slowly…the first time is sweet and sappy…he’s affectionate…but it only last for about 1 week..because I have found out that, all of his pics that he have send to me in the past are fake and fabricated from the search engines….I’m so angry, betrayed and been made fool by him about it…and he is very defensive of saying he didn’t lied to me and he loves me…(it’s kinda fast right?…the I love you shits?)….I said to him that I only want is his honesty…and he said that he can’t do that lying shits to me…but I get tired of it…..and he change his persona to provoked me that he’ll kill himself and such…I don’t buy it, and why he should kill himself over such a petty reason..but, I choose to calm him as a humane person will do…then he calmed down and apologized again…I said he didn’t need to do that..we make up but, I didn’t trust him anymore, up until now, I just played along with his bullshits so that he’ll not suspect anything is strange with me…he also make a huge havoc and damage in the group chat and for my friends to break apart and loose their own sanity…and it so hard because what we have earned to established by 3 months, went downhill because, of him entering our circle…I’ve tried to calmed down and cheer up my friends because of that guys damage they have inflicted to them emotionally and mentally, he didn’t even feel remorse because of it even though, he is apologizing to us about the mess he have done.but now, they are all recovering from the shock and from the manipulations of him….and that guy is MIA for about 2 days now…maybe I’m not the only one he’s targeting right now..I’m sensing that there are plenty on his target list and not only me…or the ones he is sweet talking to…he thought that, after his sudden leaving…I’ll missed him after that?…hah…what a stupid guy he is…he doesn’t know that I’ve figured it out all in just a short time, by snooping and searching his background and such…and by also with the assistance and help of my friends that’s why we figured it all out who he really his and his motives for being like this..and I feel sorry for all the people that became victims of him in his cruel games, oh but from among all that people he targeted, I’m of a different dangerous level..since, I’m also cunning, sly and a good actor to boot..so we’re even, I’m only doing a favor of making him pay on what he have done to me and to my friends who trusted and accepted him not only as a friend but also as their brother in our small online family. he doesn’t know who is he really messing with. he doesn’t know he’s been trapped completely in the web of dangerously intelligent people who can par with him and can never get out of it, he’ll be a cornered mouse among all the starving cats, he’ll be stuck with us forever until he lost his already insane mind, until he feels the feelings (if he does really have feelings, emotions or soul being a human, then yes) of being played and vulnerable at the mercy of those people who he have played with ..and he’s not aware that, we’re also playing him in his own mind breaking game as of now..this is only the beginning of our one hell ride of a mind twisting game, since backing off between my tail is not in my vocabulary, I’ll fight him till the end even if it’s the way to completely destroy him, I’ll do it with the help of my friends who are very supportive of me, since they’re also been dragged and involved with this mess now..may the last man standing wins….and I’m only just waiting for the right time that he’ll eventually get tired or bored with me, as this is my go signal to suddenly also dropped the bomb to him that he’ll never ever forget for the rest of his life…
Oh, I forgot to mentioned that he did tell me that his affection towards me started when we shared photos, and we had a lot in common or we are soulmates (too identical right?..that’s impossible, no people are very much identical to one another, every person has their own unique traits different from each other)…and all the symptoms on his behavioral pattern he is showing, are all matched or accurate on the Psychopath and Sociopath’s profiles…as well with the Compulsive and Pathological Lying Syndrome…all matched and accurate comparison…no mistaken
Sorry if my words are too cruel and evil…but, these people needs to be taught a lesson (mentally ill or not) or needs to find their match that can par with them, that not all innocent girls or guys are toys or games that they can played with and when they’re bored, they’ll just throw them aside like a garbage is..and I get over him quickly for about 3 days only…some I’m back to normal as well with my friends he did damage with…
WAY too familiar Rose Marie, and hugs to you for that, because no one deserves that rubbish!
No ‘detail’ I suppose in my story (while I have so much!), Just more a ‘watch out’ in my comments because it happens among both genders – but heart wrenching and destructive both the same.
I don’t want anyone else to be as taken by this manipulator as I have a several others (confirmed) before me…this one even takes advantage of her ex’s family (particularly the ex’s uncle whose house she’s living in & has his canpervan for nothing’…
They are no ‘luckier’ than the rest of u
s, they just know how to manipulate people..sadly including us for a time!
The ONLY way the GAME stops with PSYCHOs…is get OUT of IT…U seem to want to play their horrid game…what for? They are pathological LIARS to try gain control over others. Don’t U have any other life?…that’s what they plan on, & they ENJOY U keep challenging them…they are PSYCHOs & narcissistic (in a pathological sense) & been so ALL their lives. Don’t kid URSELF they don’t know it. Even If U did sorta WIN & they just walk away (they NEVER apologise…that’s in their DNA)…they will just go on to play s/o else. Worst case scenario…they will find ur hse & set in on fire, if U upset them too much…functioning sociopaths are one step away from a psychopath! U have to ACCEPT they are seriously mentally challenged & walk away…like leaving bullies in a schoolyard, that think their behaviour makes them popular. Sociopaths are 1 in 25…get that figure in ur head…but that means 96 out of a hundred, are normal. The best way to destroy them…is no-one wants to engage them…& that is what these sites are ALL about…learning to IDENTIFY the psycho/sociopath…don’t DARE try tell him U KNOW…just trust ur gut, something ain’t right & walk away.
I’ll just add…sociopaths & psychopaths BORE easily…if U are no longer seeking their interest…they just move on…SO, don’t give them interest. ENJOY ur life without telling them…it will take some time after U truly engaged one face to face…but realise, they were ALWAYS a facade…they feel nothing for no-one….EVER!
I correct my English mistake of a dbl negative….of they ‘feel nothing for no-one’…which could mean they feel something for someone….when truth is…they feel NOTHING for anyone!
They feel only for themselves.
I met a guy online. Within a few days he asked me for iTunes card and that was two of them. He accused me of lying to him as in if I gave the code to someone. Funny few days he fell in love with me. Though I did mention marriage. It wasn’t to happen anytime soon. I open up about who I am and that’s the worse thing I could’ve done. So he bids and get a contract in the scam country of all time. As he being there all these money issues as in he was going to lose this contract. To put this out, I should have never told what I had. He tried to wipe me out. Needless to say I gave much. He used his daughter and I fell harder. Something was always needed I got played in so many ways. I blame myself. To think I’ll have a lifetime as in what I told him and later believed myself. This fantastic fantasy that I thought it was real. To move across the country and jeopardize my education, for perhaps someone who possibly who he say he is. So real he couldn’t send a current photo or video chat. Honestly I fear of him hurting me in many ways and my love ones.
This is so spot on, although my xsociopath who also has NPD liked to differentiate himself from “all the jealous men of the world” by proclaiming his superior sexual openness and a lack of jealousy. He got off on “pimping” of sorts and would coerce the women in his life to engage in sex with other men. Although we had entrancing sessions that lasted sometimes the entire day and claimed I was his soulmate, he began disparging me for not having slept with more men and told me when we broke up that I needed to be with more men before we could get back together.
He did the same to his exwife, although she complied with his urgings for her to sleep around, he divorced her almost immediately after.
During the time we were broken up but discussing getting back together, he’d ask me if certain men had f*cked me yet and was interested in knowing how I felt about his lack of jealousy.
The need for sexual control looks different for every sociopath. Mine was excited by the idea that many men may lust after and use “his” woman, but only he owned her. His sexually coercive philosophy was publically flown under the banner of feminism and women’s choice.
This is of concern Sierra. I have a friend who was previously with a diagnosed psychopath now in a relationship similar to what you describe. I am concerned.
DangerDating.com is a great place to post or find these people before heading out on a date.
dating sites are very danger and it is not nice lady.
They use dating sites as it already gives a lot of information about you. With you not meeting them in person, it is easy for you to be fooled about who they are. They can ask you questions and when you meet they can be ‘just like you’. I hope you are well.