Have you ever wondered WHY WHY WHY did you create so much drama? Most normal people have relationships, and yes, there are the events in life which cause upset. Life isn’t always perfect. Sometimes there are huge stresses in life, that we as humans have to deal with. That’s life right?
Sociopath’s for some reason, thrive on drama. If there isn’t any drama, they will create some. They do this for a number of reasons
- To test your reactions
- To gain attention
- Deflection from the truth
Drama can be two things
When you first meet the sociopath, he can seem very exciting. Everything is new, and there is huge potential for a big and bright future. As the relationship wears on, this drama starts to shift from exciting, to stressful.
You realise that the big dramatic promises for the future, are just that, ‘promises’ they are never going to come true. They are simply words. After a while you get tired of the drama, and just want a peaceful life.
What is worse is that the sociopath brings drama into your life DELIBERATELY. You soon find that the exciting relationship that you were in, becomes draining and can ultimately make you ill. Stress is not good for your health.
How stress can affect your mental health!
This is the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale
This scale was developed in 1967 by two psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe. Each stress factor has a point attached to it. If you add the stresses together, and you get a score of over 300, it is likely that you are going to be made ill. I counted personally what I had been through in the last three years of my life. My score was 680!!!
Sociopaths can make you ill. If you stay in the relationship with the sociopath, over a period of time, the constant dramas, threats against you, losses that you experience, will wear you down, and ultimately make you ill. What is worse is that the sociopath does this deliberately!
You might hope for a more peaceful life, that you can grow together and do nice things, but there will be constant changes, let downs, dramas. Nothing said ever comes to pass.
Have a look at the list for stress – and see what score did you get during the relationship?
To measure stress according to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, the number of “Life Change Units” that apply to events in the past year of an individual’s life are added and the final score will give a rough estimate of how stress affects health.
|Life event||Life change units|
|Death of a spouse||100|
|Death of a close family member||63|
|Personal injury or illness||53|
|Dismissal from work||47|
|Change in health of family member||44|
|Gain a new family member||39|
|Change in financial state||38|
|Death of a close friend||37|
|Change to different line of work||36|
|Change in frequency of arguments||35|
|Foreclosure of mortgage or loan||30|
|Change in responsibilities at work||29|
|Child leaving home||29|
|Trouble with in-laws||29|
|Outstanding personal achievement||28|
|Spouse starts or stops work||26|
|Begin or end school||26|
|Change in living conditions||25|
|Revision of personal habits||24|
|Trouble with boss||23|
|Change in working hours or conditions||20|
|Change in residence||20|
|Change in schools||20|
|Change in recreation||19|
|Change in church activities||19|
|Change in social activities||18|
|Minor mortgage or loan||17|
|Change in sleeping habits||16|
|Change in number of family reunions||15|
|Change in eating habits||15|
|Minor violation of law||11|
Score of 300+: At risk of illness.
Score of 150-299: Risk of illness is moderate (reduced by 30% from the above risk).
Score <150: Only have a slight risk of illness.
How did you score?
47 thoughts on “Why the stress of dating a sociopath can make you ill!”
342 for me and I was trying to be modest!!! I think that the anxiety over losing my job and the tough road that lies ahead is causing me the most anxiety. Plus now I have to send my daughter to live with family until I can get on my feet. If i dont decrease some of the stress and anxiety im experiencing I’m going to end up in the hospital for sure. I’m over the relationship or at least that has become less consuming because I have so much else to be concerned with. I have suffered a lot in the past year, but I’m not even mad. That kinda bugs me. Is it all going to dawn on me at once and I have some type of major breakdown? My spirituality tells me that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be (very long story) so there is a calmness and understanding in me that I can’t explain. I feel for him but its not love or longing. It’s more like pity. I guess he was either born or made that way by some type of suffering on his part. He can’t change even if he could possibly want to. That’s a sad existence. Even though I’ve been devastated by this relationship and others, I’d rather be exactly where I am now than to be in his shoes. The next relationship will come along and if its what is good for me, I’ll love him like I’ve never experienced pain before in my life. It makes me happy to know that I may be broken at the moment, but its only temporary. Ladies if you are praying women please include me in yours. Knowing the drama I’m going through its easy to relate to all your stories. I am certainly preoccupied with my own issues, but you all are never far from my mind. I don’t feel like being strong or fighting, but I have to now more than ever. I hope you all have this same spirit.
Thank you Veronica, my figures were on the modest side also. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. It is horrible when you are still caught in the eye of the storm.
I can honestly say that further – you do come out the other side, and I am (at least) grateful for the learning and what I have learned most importantly, about myself.
Keep fighting, whatever happens you will get through this, and you will be so proud of you, when you do. I think that leaving your job, might be in the longer term healthier for your own mental health, than staying in the job where he is working and having to go through that daily (and still fearing that the worse will happen). From here you will be able to rebuild your life and start again. Which does sound daunting – it happened to me, I had to start from scratch and honestly right now I feel free – and liberated!!
There are 26 points for each time your partner stops or starts work. My ex would fake jobs, creating a constant anxiety about money and lack of stability. I had never felt more insecure, and worse was that I had no control over it either. He just kept repeating the same thing over and over. To that, came the loss of my job, risk of my home, affecting my finances, my family, my friends, my social networking – for what?? No reason at all….. just because…. it did make me ill at the time.
I decided to resign from my job instead of waiting around to be terminated. I tried to explain what a sociopath is & what they are capable of doing, but it fell on deaf ears. I get a substantial lump sum of money that can sustain me for a little while so I can rebuild. I really hate that 9 years of my life is ending on a sour note rather than on my terms over a fake relationship 😦 I read a comment on another post about learning lessons. I too am quite strong-willed and thick headed. I learned so many lessons from this horrible situation. Not everyone is to be trusted. Trust should be earned & not freely given. Not everyone who claims to be your friend & love you actually does. I didn’t realize how many fake friends I had around me. No sooner did info touch their ears, that it was flying out of their mouths. If something makes you unhappy open your mouth & express your feelings or do something to change it. I have the emotional endurance comparable to the worlds greatest distance runners. I will stay in an unhappy situation forever while I slowly die with each passing moment. It usually takes situations that blindside me to realize that a lesson is being taught. I had to purge some people from my life. My story started with being the victim of a sociopath. I was so in love and even when I realized what he was I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. When my focus needed to be redirected to the real lesson, he had to take the backseat & he went away both physically and emotionally. He was the means to the end, but he wasn’t the lesson. Sure I gained valuable insight to the fact that there are living, breathing monsters in the world that look & act normal. My job was awful. I was overwhelmingly unhappy. I wasn’t ever going to leave though because it was comfortable. It provided me with all of life’s necessities. It didn’t provide me anything positive. First God moved me from my comfort zone (Chicago) to make a better life for me & my child. When I moved away, i settled into the same routine that I left. He again had to shake things up. The sociopath was the person God used to force me to realize that I’m better than just getting by. There is a whole world of things I’m missing by letting life pass me by. I have everything I need to be successful. I’m scared to death, but by taking away everything God is forcing me to be courageous. I have no other option than to go out & find something better. Surrendering would be so easy, but when you have a little one depending on you & a cheering section full of people who genuinely love you & want you to be successful, failure isn’t an option. I’m very grateful that my experience with the sociopath was brief & minor as compared to other stories I’ve read. I see great things in my future, I just need to get over myself & go get them.
Some comments Veronica touch my heart. This is one of them. I was in the same position within work. I ended up leaving in October 2012, for most of 2012 I wasnt at work. I also had a substantial sum from work. 2012 was so stressful.
You know what, it was one of the best things to happen to me. I too am like you, will stay to the very end. i was also unhappy in my job. I liked the work that I did, but the political bullshit at work, made my life hell. … but I had worked my way to the top of the payscale… I liked what I did, I loved the work with clients (and was good at it)…
It has been 7 months since I left work. You know what? It was the best thing to happen to me. Today I work in a different way. Having money gave me time to write. Am now going to get my work into a book…….
Honestly Veronica, it was the best thing to happen to me, or I would have been stuck there miserable for the rest of my life – that wasn’t living.
You are right….. your message is also a message to me too. For that I thank YOU from the bottom of my heart. Thank you!!! 🙂
Don’t be scared….. honestly the worst is that transition stage – once you have left you will be omg!!!! …. You are free!! Free from the sociopath, free from control, free from everything….. and you can rebuild start life again. With the money you can do whatever you want to do (I started writing) – transferring my skills working with homeless people, to this blog and later my book….. its amazing the things that happen in life – what is happening now – will be the making of you. Don’t be scared, there is nothing to fear – the worst is almost behind you!! 🙂 Enjoy!!!
What do you plan to do with your future? Career wise etc? …..
The insecurity they create financially just takes a terrible toll on me. Always afraid of being homeless since I was a child, he has cost me everything and am homeless now, just got out of a week in hospital, I understand.
I am sorry to hear that you are homeless Desiree. Do you have friends or family that you can stay with, even if temporarily?
I don’t know where you are, If you were in the UK, were ill, just came out of hospital and were homeless I know that you would be entitled to help through the housing act, but i don’t know where you are in the world?
Veronica stay strong and try to forget that nut job he was born that way and i know mine will not change,because he told me he was in trouble when he was young and in as a adult he was in jail,i found this out on my own,he never told and he denyed it and lied his way out of more lies on top of more lies…they don’t know what love is,because they cant truly feel anything but hate and agressve with women they meet,,I tole mine to move on to his next victim and leave me alone…….Good Luck Veronica we all need Happness in our live’s!
I really don’t know. I thought about returning to school for a masters degree possibly in social work or some type of counseling. I love helping/taking care of people especially those who don’t have their own voice (children). I have been a supervisor the past 5 years and being able to help my employees accomplish things was very rewarding for me. I haven’t really sat down & thought about that with so much going on, but I guess now is that time.
As I read that it felt like it came out of my own head. I can relate and agree 100%. God bless you.
I was contacted by my ex this weekend,a i kept telling him Good Bye and he had to have the last word..So i told him its over and to leave me alone,this was in a email..he just keeps calling me a liar and bitch over and over again..he cant take NO foe a answer….I blocked his email and changed mine,but he still contacts me anyway just to call me horrable name’s….its possable he haked my email acc sone way….I asked him to stop,i told him i was happy now that he’s out of my life for good and that set him off…now i just don’t answer his email……
Mine hacked my emails and my social networking sites. In HIS mind, I had to have another source of supply (another man) – thats why I didn’t want to speak to him, or I was growing distant.
Of course that wasn’t true. He found nothing there, apart from things that hurt him (he gets paranoid).
Funny how he calls you a liar and a bitch – when the truth was he behaved like a bastard towards you, and is a liar – mine would accuse me of being a liar….
Truth was, he was the liar not me!
487. Holy moly…I can’t believe it.
That is really high!! Mine was so high as i had major life events unrelated to sociopaths then lots that they created.
Me too, But without all the stress he caused my stress level would have been minimal.
Me too they made it worse not better. I was coping ok. Then it became overload… Bigger than me it felt at the time.
That’s a great way to describe it1
That is really high!! Mine was so high as i had major life events unrelated to sociopaths then lots that they created.
I was the one who always got the blame (and in the end took the blame) for starting drama even though it was he who created it.
He could twist everything to become my fault and in the end I just didn’t had to strength to defend myself.
You have to think, is 300 is the point where you are starting to get ill – 444 is way over that mark.
This is how the sociopath gets you weak. By breaking you down, piling on the stress, until you have nothing else left to give…. they do twist things, start rows deliberately, shift the blame onto you. Its hard when you are being constantly accused.
Mine is 317.. I knew I was stressed out and that my stress level has come down over the past 3 months. I started taking adrenal gland pills to try to help my cortisol levels.
A lot of this is not even with him. So you can imagine if I was to stay with him it would be so much higher. Crazy!!!
Yes, I guess it just goes to show with him and his drama in your life, on top of other life stresses you would struggle to cope.
So, it probably is best that he is gone, and you can not have his additional burdens to carry! :(…. and the sociopath carries a LOT of baggage and burdens with him.
651 O.o and I was VERY modest. The stress did cause a stroke, jerk stepped over me after I had been in floor all day because I wouldn’t answer him. I did manage mumble get out and he did just that. Took a little overnight with his girlfriend. My mom found me the day after and helped me to the doctor. It was still a year before I got out. Now I am just over 1 month out. This sight is eye opening.
Thank you for your comment, it is nice to meet you!! 🙂
wow, no wonder i feel like im dying, 816, my anxiety is physically making me ill, i cant get out of bed let alone outside most days, how am i to get back to work, as i watch the bills pile up that i would have never done if not for that sucking leach
Aw Bonnie, sending you a huge hug!!! x I wrote that post, as I wanted to break down the stress levels. When I worked with homeless people, I would break down what seemed so overwhelming. Some things can be changed others can’t. Also to help you to understand that if you are feeling ill, if you are feeling like you just cant get up (I did mine again honestly and in 3 years it scored 840) so I really do understand. Those things have happened, and you can start to recover. Do you know what? ….. now today – my life is starting to take off again. I feel AMAZING – my grief is gone, my PTSD is gone, I am meeting new people who are better than the ones before. I love my work. its the same type of work, but no crappy boss…. and likely it will pay more….. life now today, because of my previous heartache – is feeling – just right!!
I am sure that this will happen to you too!! I wanted to send you a hug as that is a lot to go through. You must be going through a spiritual awakening and a massive change which WILL be for the better, I promise, just believe!! ….. wait to see the woman that comes out of the other side!!!
You will be so strong, you will be glad that you went through all of that, and wouldn’t want to be the person you were before it all happened!!
Wow, my score is 582. Jeeze
OMG!!! I have been through hell and when I did it again I had 480, that was with my daughters death, my grandmothers death, a new family member, change of home, loss of job, 2 psychos, etc etc….. you must have been through hell. Sending you a hug!! How are you doing?
I broke up with my sociopath ex of 1 1/2 years at the end of April because I caught him cheating on Match.com and he lied to me about it. After some sleuthing, I found out he went out on a date (and I’m sure many more with other women) with a girl while I was on a vacation that I invited him on. After I broke up with him I googled him just out of curiosity and sure enough, someone had written about him on a blog warning other women about him. This woman met him on Match and found out after the fact that he was married twice (I only knew once) and the girl who wrote the post mentioned that his wife at the time called and emailed her from my ex’s email and cell, which means he was unfaithful. On top of that, she mentioned that he likes to date multiple women (which he’s still currently doing) and spent a lot of his wife’s money on buying things for himself. I still feel stupid for not checking up on him when I first started dating him. This blog has now grown like crazy with other women coming forward that he’s vicitmized. I was naive because I thought to myself, “He has a child and and he wants a stable relationship.” WRONG.
I started noticing my ex becoming distant several months back because he allegedly began having his child every single weekend and he would tell me he was “too tired” to see me on the weeknights. He told me that his ex’s mother (his child’s grandmother) was going through chemo and they didn’t want his son knowing about it. Of course, I felt guilty thinking at that time that something was going on then. Now I know that everything out of his mouth was a lie. His actions continued and the last 3-4 months of our relationship, I had 5 separate conversations with him asking him if he still wanted to be together and if we were still on the same page with what we both wanted in life (kids, marriage, etc). Every time, he said he still wanted to be with me. The last time I had asked him was two weeks before I caught him cheating.
The time of the distancing was when I would constantly get sick-It was either really bad colds, the flu and the worst, a huge cyst under my eyelid formed that was so painful (never had something like the cyst happen). I had to take quite a few days off of work because it got so bad. I had to wear sunglasses everyday for two weeks to work because I didn’t want my coworkers looking at it all the time. I had never been that sick in my life. This relationship caused so much stress in my life-I think God was telling me to get out of this relationship back then, but of course I didn’t see it until now.
When I broke it off with him, I told him that I wanted the money he owed me back as well as some things I left at his mom’s (yes, he started living with his mom almost a year ago because he had a pay cut at the job he currently works at-BTW, he’s totally lying about his current place of employment to these women he is meeting. I’m not sure why.). He never responded to any of my texts from that point on. That’s when I took matters into my own hands and reached out to his mom (I only involved her in getting my things back, not the money-which I should have done, because I will never see that money again). She told me that she was sad and sorry for his behavior and that she always told him I was too good for him. When we met so she could give me my things back, I asked her if she knew why we broke up. She told me no and that she asked my ex where I was because she hadn’t seen me in a while, he just said that we broke up. I then told her “Actually, I broke it off with him because he was cheating on me with someone else.” Her reaction? She calmly shook her head and said, “Mmmm Hmmmm” (her tone of voice was one of ‘he’s done this before and it’s a pattern’). She then said to me, “At his age, I just want to shake him and wake him up (he’s 41). Just like I said before, you are too good for him and you deserve so much better. I know he’s my son, but it’s the truth.” Even though this all happened, I was still a bit surprised that as a mom, she didn’t defend her son in any way, shape or form. I thought it was really sad that his own mom sided with me.
I think there are two very unfortunate things that have come out of this relationship: 1)I thought he was The One and he ended up wasting all of my time because it’s obvious he just wanted to play games and not settle down and 2)I had a really good bond with his child-In the 5th month of our relationship, he son ran over to me one time and whispered in my ear that he “wanted me to marry his daddy.” When I find myself still crying and sad about the relationship, it’s because of his son and how many other women this douche will expose him to. Not because the relationship is over.
The latest sleuthing I have done is I have found out that he is still dating the girl I mentioned above, but he’s still very active on Match and like I mentioned before, women are still coming forward on the blog.
All I can say is that karma will get this man back. It may not be today or tomorrow, but it will happen.
Positive Girl, I am also sending hugs ((((( ))))) & kisses xoxo, I am so sorry to hear about your baby “May God Bless Her And Keep Her Always”” Peace & love bewildered
Thank you bewildered. I was lucky also, to carry an angel!! 🙂 she changed my life.
519 for me. Thank God is out of my life! Still dealing with the divorce though but at least he lives 8 hours away from me!
Wow Rachael that is incredibly high, sending you a hug!!
With everything else going on in my life,HE was at the top of the list always!!
I’ve had family illnesses
problems at work
loss of sleep
death of my mother
stress at work
change in my hours,,,then leaving altogether
new family member
constant drama (his)
to name just a few!!
Anything I went through, so did he, but of course his was worse! He used all of those things angainst me with “you know how it feels, you understand”
Going through all of those things, he was NEVER there for me,adn longing for him to be only added to all of it.
I am only just coming out of those things one by one and at a slow pace,BUT,with each milestone, I look back on the situation in a different way,I don’t long for him to be there,I KNOW he never will be.
At the times these things happened I would sit and cry and go over adn over in my head just trying to understand why anyone could be so cruel.
The simple answer is,,,,,,because none of it was centred around HIM,,those things took my attention away from him and he held me in contempt for it.
I too have felt pity for him,,,but feeling pity for him only made me want to help him more?
Does anyone else know that feeling? He even used that against me ” you understand me more than anyone”,,instant pity pull and leaves you with an obligation.
For me also, the day I left my job was a turning point,I walked away from a job I really loved,but it had been affected so much by all of this,,,,and the day I left,,,,mmost of my problems lifted.
For those of you who are religious,,,,,,,God bless you and keep you safe x
Yes I understand this Dorena. The need to help and fix others. It is a big teaching though, that the only person that you can change is you. I can’t believe that it has taken this long in life for me to wake up to this. If you have a lot of stress when you meet the sociopath, they exploit this and say that they will ‘help you’ whilst in reality they use this to keep you down, nothing gets resolved. You go further and further down whilst taking care of their needs, when in reality you need someone to support you. It is draining.
I knew I was highly stressed. It was/is so overwhelming. I scored 752. Not good
Wow!!!! Sending you a hug…. that is a huge score SD. At least without the sociopath in your life you can pay attention to other things that are important for you and your life! 🙂
Thank you pos. Xx
Mine was only around 300, but I feel like I’ve had nothing but problems since I met this guy. I try to walk every day but I haven’t been meeting that goal with any kind of regularity. I had a series of migraines, then laryngitis (I still haven’t fully recovered from that), then this past holiday weekend, I had to be taken to emergency for kidney stones. I thought I was treating a UTI, which was also miserable. I have headaches right now with the antibiotic and am sleeping all the time, but I still feel miserable and have yet to pass the stones.
The thing is that they create problems in your life. turning your world upside down. Constantly creating drama, wanting attention so that you focus all of your energy onto them. A sociopath is capable of ruining every single aspect of your life. UTI’s are horrible that can make you feel run down and also affect your mind if you have it seriously. Try to take care of you – remember that UTI’s on itself (without dating a sociopath) can make you feel low, depressed ….try to take care of you. Sending you a hug 🙂
Despite the burden of sickness, I’m as strong internally as I’ve been and having my son here being so loving and caring is salve to my health as well as my heart… I know I’m not missing anything, and this will pass eventually. And I always appreciate a hug… 🙂
571 and I’m somewhere between stages 6 and 7 of grieving…no wonder I had a complete breakdown!
571 is high – sending you a hug!!!!
I can think of several major stress causing events that aren’t on this list. Ones that I have experienced, Loss of a child, abusive partner, partner on drugs, partner with gambling issues, loss of close friendships, horrible breakups and dealing with financial breakup. And ones I haven’t, cheating partner (that I know of), homelessness, own problems with drugs, alcohol or gambling, child custody battles, partner at war, and so many more. Eckhart tolle says stress is wanting things to be different than they are and if we can’t change it we should accept it as if we have chosen it. I have found this has helped immensely and although I still fall into the old pattern of thought at times I am much less anxious than before. Life is good.