How are you all doing today?

I apologise that I have not written in such a long time. This was for two reasons.

1. Firstly I did not have a decent laptop, to write with.
2. I needed to check into my own therapy, gain professional help and support, so that I was in a better place.

If you like my work, you might like This book. I know many of you have written to me, to thank me for the time I spent putting this website together. The author of this book, has became a good personal friend, who has helped me.

I want to share this book, and the story of how I met the author.  If the contents of this website make sense to you, the story within this book, also likely will too. It is almost a year to the day that I would meet the author of this book.

True story of me meeting the author of this book – May 2017

Even today, I am unsure how I ended up in that field, miles away from home. A year ago,I barely left my house, I had decided to travel, tens of miles away from my home, to somewhere I didn’t know, and to somewhere, that was remote (to me coming from the city) in the middle of the country side. I had agreed to erect tents with a view to working at a festival later in the summer.

I had initially agreed to erect the tents, on both the Thursday and the Friday with the understanding that this would later offer admission to the festival. However, after hard work in blistering sunshine on the first day, it became clear that there would be no payment. Neither would there be entrance to the festival. So, at the end of day on the Thursday, I informed the manager that I wouldn’t be returning the following day. I drove home without intentions of returning. I went to bed that night with the same thought.

Normally I am not too great at rising early in the morning. Despite this, the following morning, I woke early, to yet more sunshine KNOWING that I HAD to return to the farm to erect more tents. This made little sense to me. It had became obvious that I wouldn’t be paid, neither would I gain entry to the festival. So WHY did I want/need to go?

At this point in my life, I had not met anybody in real life who understood what I had experienced and neither did I expect to. How do you explain crazy without sounding crazy yourself?  I had ‘met’ many others online, but none in real life.

The following morning, I arrived early at the farm at around 9.00am. There didn’t immediately seem to be a reason why I was there. At around 11am, a female pulled up in her car. Later we began to talk… the conversation went like this. It was the most surreal thing…and I will never forget it.

Her: I was in a relationship with a psychopath

Me: Me too

Her: No, I was REALLY in a relationship with one, I have published a book about it.

Me: How odd, I have written a website.  I was writing while still in the relationship. 

Her: It was so bad I have PTSD.

Me: So do I

We both talked how we had both been in long legal cases for different reasons, and the impact this had had too. It felt like we had so much to talk about. The manager at the site separated us to erect different tents. Our conversation finished, but it had been striking. Suddenly, for the first time, I didn’t feel on my own, and I felt not only heard, but understood.

 

As I left that day, we added each other on Facebook.

I was still nervous, and wary of people and so it was scary for me when she later contacted me and said that she had obtained work at the festival. Did I want to do it with her?  It turned out to be the perfect job. Not too difficult. Easy. Our shifts flew by as we talked and talked.

Since that time, we have kept in regular contact. We went to a few other things together, and Christmas this year was spent at her home with her friends. She has become a good personal friend of mine.

Ordering the book

I ordered the book myself after our meeting. Began to read, and was struck by how similar our stories were. The meeting online, the fake persona, the lies, how EVERYTHING was a lie. Even that our ex’s had faked being dj’s etc. The whole craziness that both of us had experienced. It was like she was me, and I was her. Although we weren’t, it was just that our experiences were so similar. I wondered if this is how it must have felt those early days when people found my website? My own experiences had mirrored theirs?

I remember walking up the hill at the festival. I said something about my ex, in a positive light (cognitive dissonance). At this point, I would have been stuck in those happy memories. Instead her response towards me was blunt, but accurate and true. No, he didn’t care about me. It wasn’t as I saw it. Not in my mind. He was using me for what he could get.

If I had received the same information from somebody who hadn’t been there,  through that experience with me, I would have felt further isolated and misunderstood. Only this was different. I started to feel the power, control, of my ex leaving my life. I was no longer on my own.

For me to write again

After months of working on myself, checking into therapy, and working on my life, I had felt ready to write again. But I didn’t have a working laptop. The nagging wouldn’t go away that I really needed to write again. So, being a fan of cosmic ordering  I yelled out to the Universe

“If you want me to write, you need to show me, as I do not have a computer. Not one that I can write on (mine was from 2009, had 4 keys missing and the battery did not work) – if you want me to write, I need a decent laptop. Can you please get this to me within two weeks?”

A week and a half later, I would see my friend again. My battery died on my phone. She sighed about this, as at Christmas she had bought me a battery charger for my phone. I had forgotten it. She offered to lend me her mac book if I needed to check anything online. I tried it and said I didn’t get on with it. It was too hard, I was used to PC based computers.

Then, something amazing happened. She said that she had bought a laptop to study for her degree, but didn’t get on with it. So she bought the mac book. She said this other computer had barely been used, and was like new, only a few years old. It was like Christmas day for me, when she got it out, and handed it to me. I worried about the cost, and could I afford it?

“How much do you want for it?” I asked.

“Oh, say £30?” She replied. “It doesn’t get used”.

 And so it was, I had a decent laptop again. Later that day another friend gave me a full copy of 2016 Microsoft Office. 

The gift of the laptop

The laptop would bring me far more than just an ability to write again. Additionally I was now able to access old files and documents that had been stored on The Cloud. I was surprised when I looked at notes contained on One Note and Evernote. I used to journal, events as they happened. I could see, how frightened I was. Yet, I was managing as I was ‘going through the motions’. Needing to survive.

If my work has helped you, it would mean a lot to me, if you could purchase Who are you? As meeting this person, and her book, has helped me. It would mean a lot to me, to give something back. Thank you.

As for me… it is now time for me to get my own work into a book. I am just unsure, do I write my own story? Or, do I put the contents of this blog into a book?

Any thoughts on this I would appreciate. Thank you! 🙂