I love that line – if they used their powers for good, they’d be awesome. So true. Mine is younger than me too, though not 15 years younger. Sorry to hear about your ex husband. That is tough.
Thank you… it is. We had a mostly terrible marriage, but we are the best of friends and support each other. He’s ok for now but we don’t know what’s going to happen. I just be there for him as much as I can!! Yes, I’ve told my sociopath that if he only used his talents for good he would get further in life.
I’m sorry about your ex husband cindyt! It’s very nice of you to be there for him!
My sociopath is 15 years my senior and while I like being “guided” it makes things even harder I feel like. Cause I can’t tell him anything, he always knows better and the main reason is he has more experience.
You are so right! If they only used their (manipulative) powers to do all good, that would be amazing.
Mine does in a way, but I’m starting to believe that’s only so people will love him. He loves to help people, but he still is who he is… maybe he’s just playing that.
we had a “date” today. He was gonna take me to this restaurant I’ve been wanting to go to for so long and I agreed because I’m low on money and like I said I still enjoy his company (until the “collision” moment…)
I’m used to him making me wait all the time and him not even thinking it’s a bad thing or that I should be upset.
So when his phone wasn’t on half an hour before we were supposed to meet I already thought he might be late. He was. Half an hour. I got so mad that I left and then he came and I turned around. He said he didn’t get out of work earlier and i could’ve just went in and hold the reservation. (Not knowing if or when he’d show up of course)
I’m so mad! So we went to this shitty pizza place and didn’t talk until after we got out again. He told me how to do better next time and that it wasn’t his fault. That I should give him the benefit of the doubt (he always asks for that one) and that I should’ve just went in by myself and wait for him in there… I have waited for this guy up to two hours sometimes, in the car at his place for him to come home, waiting at a meeting point when I was without a car… the list goes on. When I said that I’m done constantly waiting for him and that he should’ve at least apologized he just walked away. So getting my confirmation again that he is crazy I walked back to my car and drove off. And of course he sends me a text 20 mins later saying he’s sorry and it wasn’t his fault and he just wants to do everything perfect for me and that he never wants to let me wait again. Hahahaha
Ladies, I don’t know why I still even bother with him. Probably because I like the attention and the free food that I can really use right now.
But I know better. It’s like a strange addiction.
I just had to vent. I wish somebody could just diagnose him. I’m sure it would make him really angry 😅
At least I have a good reason now to really break the contact…
It feels nice to have people like you who understand 100% what I’m going through.
My ex husband won’t even tell me where he’s living. LOL. It’s kind of bizarre because I can’t file the divorce papers if I don’t know where he is. But I know it’s because he’s embarrassed. He lives off of women like a parasite – literally. He needs financial support, social support (no friends and lost his job last year), psychological support (tough childhood), etc. He’s a blood sucker.
Yes. Sociopaths are a very strange addiction!!
The waiting thing sounds very familiar, KindSpirit. Mine used to make me wait all the time too, and I am very impatient! Everything about his life took priority. I never stood up for myself or made it clear that my time even mattered because in truth, it didn’t. I mean objectively it did but the situation was such that I was flexible and worked from home a lot. I felt like a helicopter landing pad. He would never clue me in until the last minute. I thought it was a huge breakthrough when he once told me with more than a day’s notice when we’d see each other, and then he canceled!
I never got angry to his face and I never changed my plans because of him (which of course would make him want me more – if I was unavailable he’d be all over me) but again I admit that I was kind of fascinated by the whole thing. Who behaves like that? As if the other person exists only for them? I finally got my answer. A narcissist!!
But what is it about the waiting? Does it make them feel important??
And re doing good in the world: I hate what my narc does for a living. It goes against all of my principles. I guess it goes with the territory. One has to be a narc to do what he does – laser focused on one thing only, no concern for the environment or for the people who inhabit it, no thought to the wider impact or implications. I knew from the beginning that we could never have a real relationship. Our values are completely different. But still, he got me! Bastard!
We are still legally married, I moved out last May. He was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer in November. I was at the hospital with him when he was going through all that. We never should have been married but he’s a very good friend. He still helps to support me financially still and buys me gifts all the time. I’m not moving back to the house ( I live 15 mins away) but I see him weekly. He’s a very nice person and I’ll be there as long and whenever he needs me. I keep saying this but my sociopath is a little different in some ways… the waiting thing. He never did that until we had officially broken up. He used to be on time all the time, I was the one who was always a little late. After we broke but we’re still in each other’s lives he would ask me to meet him and be late or just not show…. no call or text OR I would get a reply to my text saying something like ” I’ll be there in an hour”. An hour?!!! I would get pissed and not wait!!! The past few times he was supposed to come he just didn’t come or call. He blamed it on his job ( police officer). But how does that prevent him from texting to let me know that he couldn’t make it?! Well I’m happy that I don’t have to worry about that anymore. I had a fabulous weekend and I’m still feeling great this morning as I head into work!! No contact since Friday… one day at a time!! Oh and I’m not fooling myself thinking those lonely days or days where I just really miss or want him won’t come. Hopefully I will put him so far behind me that I will be able to shake it off and keep moving. You ladies enjoy your day!!
I think you guys are on to something about this stalker thing… my sociopath NEVER stalked me ( not even covertly) BUT…. he used to work where I currently work but he left in September 2015. Today he called the main line ( the Receptionist desk) 3 times and hung up. He has not tried to call, text or email me since Friday. I made it clear that I’m done with him…. so for him to call my job 3 times today and hang up on her is just weird! He does know that she and I are close. She called back and he didn’t answer. We are both puzzled. She’s thinking maybe he’s calling knowing that she will tell me and I will call him. I’m NOT!!! But that is the kind of manipulative thing that he would do. Smh!!!
Stalking. Yup. Because he wants you to know he’s still present. Remember, they don’t exist if no one is paying attention to them. The thing is, sometimes we catch them or they want us to know (the phone calls you got, the message I got) but we can’t always know when they are doing it, right? I get creeped out occasionally thinking – wow, he could be sitting in the pub where we first met, watching for me to come out of the tube station. I suddenly spin around and glance at the window. He could walk outside my flat at night and try to see inside (my flat is ground floor). Chances are he’s not bothering but I just don’t know. It’s unsettling.
I’ve always pursued him more than he did me…. I think that’s why he’s kept me around so long. He enjoys the attention and the adoration. I guess he can sense that I’m done this time. He’s waiting for me to contact him… I always do. Not this time!! She said he called and hung up 3 times… he’s aware that we have caller ID, maybe he’s not aware that the upgrade shows the caller’s name. His name showed up clear as day! He hasn’t contacted me directly…. I hope it stays that way.
Yes well when we’re pursuing them, that’s when they go MIA. But when we stop pursuing, they pop up. Makes perfect sense! (Kidding – doesn’t make sense to a normal adult but if you think the way a toddler would think it does make sense.) He obviously wanted you to know it was him. I’m sure he was aware that the caller ID would show his name.
I must have stopped pursuing a gazillion times. I’d just go silent. Every single time he would return, sometimes after weeks. This time he won’t because he knows I took screenshots and could accuse him of stalking. Here in the UK it is much easier to charge someone with emotional abuse/stalking than it is in the US. If you say to someone, stop harassing me, and they continue, it is a crime. You can’t cause “alarm or distress” to another person. “Forcing contact” through social media is considered stalking here, and that is what he did to me. And got forbid he should try something like revenge porn. He would have a hell of a lot to lose.
I just want to be free!!! Sometimes I wish I could hypnotize myself and have no memory of him and all the pain I’ve been through because of him. Its only been a few days but I’m doing so well. I’m not feeling the pain…. I feel encouraged. Like I can really move on without him!!!
I know what you mean. Eventually it will happen. It’s already happening – you feel encouraged and you can move on without him. The memories will fade, the erasure will come. I feel stupid and that is holding me back. How could I have been so dumb? Then I tell myself that I was just normal. But still, hard not to beat myself up over it.
Don’t feel stupid Val… you were a victim, you didn’t know that people like that existed. Like the rest of us. Forgive yourself, learn from the experience and move on.
Oh I know that feeling all too well!!! I’ve felt stupid ( I’m not ) but that’s how good and convincing they are at first!!! Have any of y’all just ever thought about all the lies they’ve told you? I mean unnecessary lies!!! I remembered stuff he told me about his life before we even thought about dating… 1/2 of it were lies!!! Just sick!! We were just casual co-workers and he was telling me these stories about his ex, his son, his life…. all because I asked on a Monday ” how was your weekend”? He always lied to put himself in a good light. I just wish I never met him and could forget most of this stuff! I used to hold onto the good times with him… I don’t even want to do that now!!
Mine lied mostly by omission. The only thing I couldn’t figure out in the end was if he was married (he was but they weren’t living together). I shouldn’t have needed to do so much snooping but he always had a reasonable explanation for why he withheld so much info. Anyway, even if he had been totally open and honest he still would have pulled the devalue, discard, triangulation stuff, right? It doesn’t matter what these types tell us.
It’s still somewhat mind shattering to me how these people really fit in a scheme. And they all match that. I didn’t think I’d be with someone who ends up having almost all the traits of narcissism or sociopathy. But then, I also didn’t really know what all that meant until things became really bad with him.
Yes they do come back to us when they don’t hear from us. Funny, because usually I would be the one to run after him, after every fight. Either he made me believe it was somehow my fault or I simply didn’t want to be fighting, so either way I ended up agreeing with what he said and then he’d make me work for it. “Ok to make up for this you’re gonna buy me dinner…” or other things. And he knows we live in one of the most expensive places and I’m rather young and trying to make ends meet.
Now when he acts up like that I don’t have any problem walking away anymore, and so like yesterday HE is the one coming back and apologizing, After him trying to blame me and getting me to crawl before him doesn’t work anymore. I always thought he was so unpredictable; but somehow everything all of a sudden is so predictable now. 😅
The waiting wouldn’t be half as bad if he at least showed some empathy or was sorry that he keeps having me wait. But nothing.
And yes mine lied to me so many times. About a car he was using that was “his uncles” but belonged to a lady, panty liners trash that was only trash from his cousins car, that he brought up to the apartment…..
Ladies shirts he brought to the cleaners that were his aunts but now he admitted were that lady’s. The lady calling him babe and the other way round, but that’s just “a thing Americans say”
Female hair in his place that I get ridiculed for, for pointing it out, still to this day..
The list goes on…
I felt not good enough for so long. I felt little, always careful, I felt annoying because I was longing for love and undivided attention and yes many times he made me feel stupid.
But now who’s the stupid one. Even though certain things still hurt and sometimes I almost still believe I’m too immature or this or that, I can see that it’s really him who has issues and who’s in the wrong.
I’m not gonna think it’s me anymore. I’m perfectly loveable and cindyt. I know the feeling! 🙂 it feels like the weight is lifting and you can breathe again and the world somehow just looks better!
We can do this! Because our feelings actually told us what’s right all along. At least mine did.
Now we just need to learn how to listen ;))
I am glad you are both feeling positive. I want to write him a scathing email letting him know that I know what he is and I know who his family are and I know he is lying about everything, and warning him to stay away from me in real life and on social media.
I realize I feel trapped and paralyzed by the uncertainty around whether he will try anything or whether he is out there stalking me, and I know if I threaten him with harassment I won’t have to worry anymore or feel uncertain. I am from NYC and I have a mouth on me. I can really be over the top with the insults. He has never seen that side of me because I kept it under wraps but I could let loose. I am seriously considering doing this. Any good reasons why I shouldn’t?
Val…. I am from D.C. and I don’t handle being hurt or anger well at all!! I’ve said and done some terrible things to my sociopath to get even when he hurts me. He used to make this big production of how my words hurt him and he could not tolerate me and would break up with me. I didn’t know what he was then, so I would panic and beg him to take me back for days/weeks and eventually he did. I’ve known since last year that although my words ( my tongue is vicious) annoy or maybe anger him, they do not hurt him. Sometimes I say the nastiest, most vile things to him ( mostly facts about him and his life) to try to give myself closure. I say these things to try to make sure he never want me back!! Last Friday I said terrible things about the dead brother ( a sore spot for him), he’s a cop so I stated that I hope he catches a bullet, about his wife divorcing him ( she was who he really wanted although he lied and cheated on her too). Just anything I could say to try and transfer the pain. I’ve put him on a gay dating site ( pics and all ), forced him to pay me twice what he owed me, locked him out of his apartment, etc. In the beginning he told me that he’s never had anyone to speak him that way and he would not tolerate that disrespect from anyone… it would take a couple weeks but he always took me back. I started to get that he wasn’t a man of his word and started now to fear him walking away for good. Whenever he pissed me off or hurt me I would go off and let him have it, he would either fire back or withdraw but the duration got less and less… so if it makes you feel better to let him know that you know what he is FIRE AWAY!!! Mine never replies when I talk about him being a sociopath… he will address anything else but not that!! He knows it true!!!
Val… chances are once you let him know what you know about him he will stay away. They don’t like to deal with people who really know who they are… they like fooling people with the mask. This is why my sociopath has changed how he deals with me… there’s no need for the act anymore. I know!! He used to be the sweetest, caring guy although he was lying to me from day 1… he would lie with an excuse of why he couldn’t see me, now he just doesn’t show up, call, text, NOTHING!!! I’m sure whoever the latest victim is she’s getting the sweet, caring and charming guy. These people man!!!
just ignore him they like the abuse and the chase. if you dont give them that they will move on. i tried the mean tactic and i can say some really nasty things too. i used that to make mine go away but its only temporary. he came back i softened up. the only thing you can do is cut off contact with them completely if you need to stay of social media or block them change your number move if possible. it takes time but they eventually move on to a new victim. if you are serious and completely done with them then you have to be strong until then if you keep talking to them it wont end. even if you confront him he will do everything in his power to try to convince you differently and will usually win. its another part of their game. really just take my advice and let go of it and ignore him completely. it is the only way. if you are not ready then you are not ready but by confronting him is you saying you are not ready. when you hate someone to the point of no return you stay away from them and you do not talk to them. this is no difference.
Good morning ladies… KindSpirit, I always felt like I could breathe… it’s just that I’ve been on a never-ending roller with him, my emotions. As I stated earlier when I’m with him and things were good I was in a state of euphoria!! When he ignores, stands me up or just abruptly stop communicating it’s the worst time in my life!!! I’ve decided the euphoric moments just aren’t worth it anymore… and the have become so far and few in between! While I still love him ( not desperately like I used to) I realize I have to love him from a distance. As I stated before, he treated me much better before I made it clear that I know what he is… since letting him know that he just doesn’t care. I was willing to deal with him because I did love him and thought ” maybe he can’t help the way he is…. does that mean he doesn’t deserve love”? Maybe he does but I can’t keep getting hurt and treated like shit!!
Well, whoever mine is with might be getting someone sweet and charming, but she is not getting sex, that’s for sure! That’s what he told me anyway and otherwise he wouldn’t have been on the dating site, unless of course he’s cheating. But he only uses sex to hook supply so I don’t know why he’d bother cheating, unless he needs more supply. Maybe she already left him ;-). Such a classic narc I can’t even stay angry at him because he’s like this little boy underneath it all. I didn’t send any sort of email.
Maybe I’m not quite ready for closure? Still hoping he’ll come back all reformed and normal? If I said nasty things there would be closure, I guess. But who knows! He completely ignored me the last time I tried to be nasty, and then of course contacted me anyway. I’m just annoyed that I can’t go back to my favorite site because of him and I hate the one I am on. Never seen so many ugly mugs in my life. And the level of discourse is pretty low, even for a dating site. Sigh. Well, at least I got through another day of no contact, right? 😉 Thank you Cindy!
And yes, that emotional roller coaster. I’ve lost so much weight. I just came from the gym and I lost another 6 pounds. I don’t know how – I stuff my face with pasta every night and eat chocolate and whatever I want. It is all the stress of this (non)relationship.
I’m still working out and healthy extremely clean and I’m losing weight. I told you I’m the exact opposite, I’ve gained 30 lbs since finding out what he is and being hurt. Working out itsel is making me feel better Day by day. I usually take pride in my appearance, it was the main thing that attracted him to me. As I’m working out more and focusing on my health, weight, appearance and just ME I’m focusing less and less on him. Yayyyy!!!
Wow!!! No sex? Mine hooked me with charm, stimulating conversation, “similar interest”, and great sex!!! Girlllll!!! I think if you said something nasty like you were done it would excite him… yes, they get offended at first and ignore you ( that’s if they have someone) if not they will engage… it all depends. One night I just went berserk with a barrage of insults…. where he normally would feign indignance he engaged me in back and forth then begged me for hours to come over. I went over and he attacked me at the door with the best sex ever!!! During sex he kept saying ” get all you want and how ever you want it tonight because this is the last time, you’re too mean”. Lol!! We had this dramatic goodbye embrace. Of course a few weeks later we were back because he needed me. Smh!! Val… I can’t judge you, at least you’re being honest. I understand not being ready to completely walk away yet. Yes, they are like little boys and although you know how messed up they are you just want to love them BUT you will never get that love back. You’re welcome girl!! Do what is best for you. I will be right here to support you no matter what… love is not an easy thing to just stop!!
LOL. I got all that – charm, stimulation, great sex. That’s how he hooked me. But then I left the country for five months, not that I think it would have been any different. It probably would have ended sooner. But because we were apart, I kept my emotions in check. Now we’re in the same city.
One of his new supplies is what he describes as an “emotional relationship” and he told me he was not sleeping with her (or the ex who wants to reconcile). Two weeks later he contacted me on the dating site – obviously looking for sex so not sleeping with the new one or the ex. I left the online conversation when I realized it was him. I only want him on my terms, which means no other women. And he won’t give me those terms. Stalemate. If I contact him – angry or not – he’ll know that I’m still hooked ;-).
Why are narcissists so damned complicated? I think of it like this: their personalities are so fragmented that they need a “supply source” for each fragment. The fragments never come together to make a whole. Everything is compartmentalized. They cannot have a full relationship with one woman. If the narc is emotionally close, he can’t do sex. If he does sex, he can’t be emotionally close. He can do superficial charm, etc but not real intimacy + sex. So many times (before I knew he was a narc) I’d ask him why he’d get distant right after we were particularly close. For a long time I thought he had Asperbergs, and in fact it can be difficult to distinguish the two.
Good for you getting healthy! I have no idea why I am losing weight, really. It started last year when I split with my husband and it’s just continued. I’ve probably lost 20 pounds without even trying.
If he’s a true sociopath, he’s sleeping with them. Don’t believe that he’s not. Mine was so sweet and innocent, I never thought he was seeing anyone else much less sleeping with. That little bastard was. They all have multiple partners, it’s just what they do. I gave him a lot!! EVERY time we were together… morning, night, at work but he still seem to get it from someone else.
Girl they cheat on everyone!!! Scandalous!!! I was calling his wife ( who he was separated from for cheating 6 months after they married) to find out what their situation was, she told me that they were working on things ( although she was working in Dubai). She had no idea about me… then during that same time I found out from a co-worker that he was cheating on me!!! Girl!!!
I mean he’s not cheating on me because I’m not with him anymore!! When we were together he never asked me and I never asked him. I just assumed that he was.
I’ve come to realize that if I can’t be with him, then I’m not interested in anyone. In other words, I’m not ready to date. The hole will not be filled by someone else and it isn’t fair to other people to date without being truly interested in them. It feels much better to grieve as if this were like any other broken relationship and stop beating myself up about it. I have always jumped from relationship to relationship (serial monogamist extraordinaire here!) and that is how I got myself into this in the first place. He might be able to move on to someone else (or several someone elses), but I cannot. It’s not a competition that someone “wins.” However fucked up he is, I have to recognize that I too am fucked up. I thought I was self-aware, but I am not.
I’ll come here to post to keep myself from contacting him and to support others. But I also think no contact is the same as contact from his pov, and no contact does not seem to be helping me, though I will keep at it. Music helps!
Hi Valerie, I think you sound wise. Dating again is not a good idea if you are not healed. You need to pour the love into you. Am pleased that you write and feel that you have somewhere to get your feelings out. You cannot change him, it was worse than you thought it was. You will realise this when one day you are fully healed, recovered and you feel like you. Then you look back and realise what he was doing to you.
Good morning Val…. you are getting it my dead!!! Remember I said to you ” there’s no sense in me going out with others that I feel no butterflies”? I know myself and I know it would be a waste of my bad his time. I also know that I need to be happy with me, love and work on myself first. You’ve come to that same realization!!! Good for you!!! Right now I am 100% focused on CINDY ( other than my husband’s illness). This is Day 6 of NO CONTACT and I feel GREAT!!! I’m working out daily, eating healthy, reading, enjoying friends and family and realizing that I can be happy without him in my life!! Do I miss him? Yes, but not as much. Do I want him? Only for sex. Ironically I checked my email to see if you girls had posted or commented and guess who email me at 6:00 this morning? Yep Him!! I was a little surprised and HELL NO I won’t reply!!! It’s taken me a long time and countless times of being hurt by this guy for me to get here…. I guess I’ve just had enough!! I used to focus on the good times with him, go back and read old texts from when things were good and look at his pictures ( he’s very attractive) and that’s why I couldn’t move on. Well, I’ve deleted all of the texts, most pics and I now focus on how bad he’s treated me, how bad he made me feel, how I know that he really doesn’t want me. It may take you a while, this took over a year for me. I kept holding on thinking one day he will realize how wonderful I am and really want to be with me. That’s never going to happen. I’m praying for you Doll and of course I’m always right here for you. I promise!!! 😘
Thank you both. I do think it was worse than I thought it was, positivagirl. It was way worse. I’ve never gone back to read any of the thousands of emails. Yup – we averaged 150 emails a month, almost all initiated by him – shades of your guy, Cindy, emailing at 6:00 a.m. Nor have I looked at any pictures. Not one. He does. He resurrects old email threads. But I don’t. I haven’t deleted them either, though. They just sit there sadly in a folder ;-). I saved it all in part because I thought he might be vengeful once I realized what he was. But so far he has not done anything public that I know of.
You can do this… no contact and stay busy!! Do fun stuff, reconnect with friends and go out. Shop, travel, listen to music ( you’re right that helps) and pray to get him out of your heart and mind.
Yes we will! Big smile on my face! But I worry that my new feeling of peace is because I’ve shifted my thinking to that we had a big argument rather than a break up. But I guess that’s the no closure thing with these types – never really in it and therefore never really out of it.
Yep…. and be prepared for your feelings to shift back and forth. Just do what you can to get through the sad feelings. You see I had a couple of bad days then it changed. I’m thanking God that I’m at peace right now and not wanting him or communication from him. That’s HUGE for me!!!
Yes. That happens with me too. I was fine for about a month. I think it’s because a month is the longest we have ever gone without contact (last June and then in December). Now it’s just past a month and the waters are unchartered…just thinking that I miss his company. However ephemeral it was I could pretty much count on it in some form. I am also stressed because my son is likely moving here and we are waiting for the final word from his company…on tenterhooks about that too.
Hi Ladies,
I’ve had a busier week than expected. Been wanting to post something.
I’m glad you’re doing good and everybody seems to make great progress it seems :))
That’s awesome!
I’m feeling good myself and haven’t seen my ex since the dinner thing and I’m not in contact a lot. Still not ideal but the most important thing is i feel good 🙂 without him!
I’m getting back into doing things and seeing more people. It was a little more rough for me over the past month because I recently moved back here, didn’t have a car at first and barely any work. And the almost only familiar thing here was my ex… but now things are starting to flow again 😉
I wanted to share something with you that a girl said at work yesterday. She said: I don’t tell a guy no more what I want in a guy, because they go and do that and try to show you that they are what you want, until they have you and then they just let themselves go and show their true self. I’m just not gonna say anything anymore and let them show me how they are right away.
It reminded me of my past relationship, because obviously he promised me all that he thought I wanted and I never really got any of that.
So now I just wanna take my time and focus on myself and then the right one will come along at the right time. 🙂 and he won’t be pretending. 😉
Hey Ladies…. I’ve had a couple of interesting days… I told you about the 3 hang up calls at the reception desk where I work from him and the email ” just saying hi” yesterday morning. I ignored them. Then last night I got a text ” so we are really never going to speak again?” No reply. 20 minutes later another text ” you could have at least says bye Kullen”. No reply. An hour later a knock at my door. I didn’t even get up to see who it was… no one comes to my apartment without calling first. Then this morning I got a “Bye” text. No reply. It was kind of wearing on me but I’m fine!! I’m at the movies now with a friend waiting for the movie to start. I’m so proud of ME!!! Day 7 no contact!!! I’m feeling good about Cindy!!!
Good advice to let someone show who they are. But I wanted what mine was. Superficial, not needy, cool, calm, collected, independent. Problem was that he couldn’t accept that that was all I wanted. Laughs, no fuss, sex, respect. I wasn’t looking for anything serious. So what did he do? He roped me in, tightened the noose and tried to hang me ;-). They’ll get you coming or going if they want to!!
I’m so DONE!!! It feels good not to be jerked around anymore!! They are so sad…. he wants my attention because he can’t get it. Didn’t appreciate it when he had it.
Not so fast…. when I got home (3 hours after that message) he was waiting for me in my parking lot in front of my building. Positivagirl I need your input…. what am I in for? He’s NEVER been like this EVER!!! He was acting strange… he kept asking where I was, why didn’t I reply, why wasn’t I home. I made the mistake of telling him that I was on a date ( thinking that would discourage him) and he would leave. He then kept asking questions about the date ” where did y’all go”? ” what did y’all talk about?” “Are you sleeping with him?” And he’s a very attractive guy but he looked terrible…. his eyes were blood shot and puffy and his face looked puffy like he’d been drinking. He said he was just getting off a 12 hour shift. He kept persistently asking questions about my date… then he followed me up to my apartment when I said I was done talking and was going in to go to sleep. He pretty much forced his way in. He’s NEVER acted this way before!! I guess I grossly underestimated how he would react to me finally being done with him. He also asked me to marry him. Omg!!! I need help right now!!!
No…. he’s not violent at all!! He’s just acting crazy!!! He normally doesn’t care what I do but it’s like he really gets it that I’m done and he’s desperate!! He had been drinking but he wasn’t drunk. He is a police officer so I don’t want him to lose his job. I just want to to go away so he can stop hurting me. They don’t get it… now he desperately wants me because he lost me!!! They are just the craziest!!!
Wow!!!! That IS crazy! And yes they do that…. and it really hurts when they wanna give us all that we wanted when it’s already too late.
I understand that you don’t want him to lose his job, but if he does that again I’d kindly tell him that you need to move on from him and can’t do that when he’s around in any way. So either he stops it or you’ll have to file a restraining order. Maybe that’ll stop him before you actually have to do it.
But he clearly went too far!
Thanks KindSpirit… I asked him not to just show up at my apartment like that again. His response was ” well I text you that I was coming over and you ignored me”. Wth!!! It was almost like he had a right, I had no choice in the matter. He was being possessive… he’s NEVER been possessive!! He won’t listen to ” I need to move on”… he’s now focused on winning me back. Smh!! I wish I could believe him but I know I can’t.
Hope everything is okay, Cindy! It suddenly occurred to me that these types that wind us up so much are in fact really dull people underneath it all. Maybe they act out because they are bored with themselves? They worry that other people will be bored with them too? Because in truth they are boring? Just a thought…
Dating a Sociopath 
I love that line – if they used their powers for good, they’d be awesome. So true. Mine is younger than me too, though not 15 years younger. Sorry to hear about your ex husband. That is tough.
Thank you… it is. We had a mostly terrible marriage, but we are the best of friends and support each other. He’s ok for now but we don’t know what’s going to happen. I just be there for him as much as I can!! Yes, I’ve told my sociopath that if he only used his talents for good he would get further in life.
I’m sorry about your ex husband cindyt! It’s very nice of you to be there for him!
My sociopath is 15 years my senior and while I like being “guided” it makes things even harder I feel like. Cause I can’t tell him anything, he always knows better and the main reason is he has more experience.
You are so right! If they only used their (manipulative) powers to do all good, that would be amazing.
Mine does in a way, but I’m starting to believe that’s only so people will love him. He loves to help people, but he still is who he is… maybe he’s just playing that.
we had a “date” today. He was gonna take me to this restaurant I’ve been wanting to go to for so long and I agreed because I’m low on money and like I said I still enjoy his company (until the “collision” moment…)
I’m used to him making me wait all the time and him not even thinking it’s a bad thing or that I should be upset.
So when his phone wasn’t on half an hour before we were supposed to meet I already thought he might be late. He was. Half an hour. I got so mad that I left and then he came and I turned around. He said he didn’t get out of work earlier and i could’ve just went in and hold the reservation. (Not knowing if or when he’d show up of course)
I’m so mad! So we went to this shitty pizza place and didn’t talk until after we got out again. He told me how to do better next time and that it wasn’t his fault. That I should give him the benefit of the doubt (he always asks for that one) and that I should’ve just went in by myself and wait for him in there… I have waited for this guy up to two hours sometimes, in the car at his place for him to come home, waiting at a meeting point when I was without a car… the list goes on. When I said that I’m done constantly waiting for him and that he should’ve at least apologized he just walked away. So getting my confirmation again that he is crazy I walked back to my car and drove off. And of course he sends me a text 20 mins later saying he’s sorry and it wasn’t his fault and he just wants to do everything perfect for me and that he never wants to let me wait again. Hahahaha
Ladies, I don’t know why I still even bother with him. Probably because I like the attention and the free food that I can really use right now.
But I know better. It’s like a strange addiction.
I just had to vent. I wish somebody could just diagnose him. I’m sure it would make him really angry 😅
At least I have a good reason now to really break the contact…
It feels nice to have people like you who understand 100% what I’m going through.
My ex husband won’t even tell me where he’s living. LOL. It’s kind of bizarre because I can’t file the divorce papers if I don’t know where he is. But I know it’s because he’s embarrassed. He lives off of women like a parasite – literally. He needs financial support, social support (no friends and lost his job last year), psychological support (tough childhood), etc. He’s a blood sucker.
Yes. Sociopaths are a very strange addiction!!
The waiting thing sounds very familiar, KindSpirit. Mine used to make me wait all the time too, and I am very impatient! Everything about his life took priority. I never stood up for myself or made it clear that my time even mattered because in truth, it didn’t. I mean objectively it did but the situation was such that I was flexible and worked from home a lot. I felt like a helicopter landing pad. He would never clue me in until the last minute. I thought it was a huge breakthrough when he once told me with more than a day’s notice when we’d see each other, and then he canceled!
I never got angry to his face and I never changed my plans because of him (which of course would make him want me more – if I was unavailable he’d be all over me) but again I admit that I was kind of fascinated by the whole thing. Who behaves like that? As if the other person exists only for them? I finally got my answer. A narcissist!!
But what is it about the waiting? Does it make them feel important??
And re doing good in the world: I hate what my narc does for a living. It goes against all of my principles. I guess it goes with the territory. One has to be a narc to do what he does – laser focused on one thing only, no concern for the environment or for the people who inhabit it, no thought to the wider impact or implications. I knew from the beginning that we could never have a real relationship. Our values are completely different. But still, he got me! Bastard!
We are still legally married, I moved out last May. He was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer in November. I was at the hospital with him when he was going through all that. We never should have been married but he’s a very good friend. He still helps to support me financially still and buys me gifts all the time. I’m not moving back to the house ( I live 15 mins away) but I see him weekly. He’s a very nice person and I’ll be there as long and whenever he needs me. I keep saying this but my sociopath is a little different in some ways… the waiting thing. He never did that until we had officially broken up. He used to be on time all the time, I was the one who was always a little late. After we broke but we’re still in each other’s lives he would ask me to meet him and be late or just not show…. no call or text OR I would get a reply to my text saying something like ” I’ll be there in an hour”. An hour?!!! I would get pissed and not wait!!! The past few times he was supposed to come he just didn’t come or call. He blamed it on his job ( police officer). But how does that prevent him from texting to let me know that he couldn’t make it?! Well I’m happy that I don’t have to worry about that anymore. I had a fabulous weekend and I’m still feeling great this morning as I head into work!! No contact since Friday… one day at a time!! Oh and I’m not fooling myself thinking those lonely days or days where I just really miss or want him won’t come. Hopefully I will put him so far behind me that I will be able to shake it off and keep moving. You ladies enjoy your day!!
I think you guys are on to something about this stalker thing… my sociopath NEVER stalked me ( not even covertly) BUT…. he used to work where I currently work but he left in September 2015. Today he called the main line ( the Receptionist desk) 3 times and hung up. He has not tried to call, text or email me since Friday. I made it clear that I’m done with him…. so for him to call my job 3 times today and hang up on her is just weird! He does know that she and I are close. She called back and he didn’t answer. We are both puzzled. She’s thinking maybe he’s calling knowing that she will tell me and I will call him. I’m NOT!!! But that is the kind of manipulative thing that he would do. Smh!!!
Stalking. Yup. Because he wants you to know he’s still present. Remember, they don’t exist if no one is paying attention to them. The thing is, sometimes we catch them or they want us to know (the phone calls you got, the message I got) but we can’t always know when they are doing it, right? I get creeped out occasionally thinking – wow, he could be sitting in the pub where we first met, watching for me to come out of the tube station. I suddenly spin around and glance at the window. He could walk outside my flat at night and try to see inside (my flat is ground floor). Chances are he’s not bothering but I just don’t know. It’s unsettling.
I’ve always pursued him more than he did me…. I think that’s why he’s kept me around so long. He enjoys the attention and the adoration. I guess he can sense that I’m done this time. He’s waiting for me to contact him… I always do. Not this time!! She said he called and hung up 3 times… he’s aware that we have caller ID, maybe he’s not aware that the upgrade shows the caller’s name. His name showed up clear as day! He hasn’t contacted me directly…. I hope it stays that way.
Yes well when we’re pursuing them, that’s when they go MIA. But when we stop pursuing, they pop up. Makes perfect sense! (Kidding – doesn’t make sense to a normal adult but if you think the way a toddler would think it does make sense.) He obviously wanted you to know it was him. I’m sure he was aware that the caller ID would show his name.
I must have stopped pursuing a gazillion times. I’d just go silent. Every single time he would return, sometimes after weeks. This time he won’t because he knows I took screenshots and could accuse him of stalking. Here in the UK it is much easier to charge someone with emotional abuse/stalking than it is in the US. If you say to someone, stop harassing me, and they continue, it is a crime. You can’t cause “alarm or distress” to another person. “Forcing contact” through social media is considered stalking here, and that is what he did to me. And got forbid he should try something like revenge porn. He would have a hell of a lot to lose.
I just want to be free!!! Sometimes I wish I could hypnotize myself and have no memory of him and all the pain I’ve been through because of him. Its only been a few days but I’m doing so well. I’m not feeling the pain…. I feel encouraged. Like I can really move on without him!!!
I know what you mean. Eventually it will happen. It’s already happening – you feel encouraged and you can move on without him. The memories will fade, the erasure will come. I feel stupid and that is holding me back. How could I have been so dumb? Then I tell myself that I was just normal. But still, hard not to beat myself up over it.
Don’t feel stupid Val… you were a victim, you didn’t know that people like that existed. Like the rest of us. Forgive yourself, learn from the experience and move on.
Oh I know that feeling all too well!!! I’ve felt stupid ( I’m not ) but that’s how good and convincing they are at first!!! Have any of y’all just ever thought about all the lies they’ve told you? I mean unnecessary lies!!! I remembered stuff he told me about his life before we even thought about dating… 1/2 of it were lies!!! Just sick!! We were just casual co-workers and he was telling me these stories about his ex, his son, his life…. all because I asked on a Monday ” how was your weekend”? He always lied to put himself in a good light. I just wish I never met him and could forget most of this stuff! I used to hold onto the good times with him… I don’t even want to do that now!!
Mine lied mostly by omission. The only thing I couldn’t figure out in the end was if he was married (he was but they weren’t living together). I shouldn’t have needed to do so much snooping but he always had a reasonable explanation for why he withheld so much info. Anyway, even if he had been totally open and honest he still would have pulled the devalue, discard, triangulation stuff, right? It doesn’t matter what these types tell us.
Yep… you can’t believe anything they say!!
It’s still somewhat mind shattering to me how these people really fit in a scheme. And they all match that. I didn’t think I’d be with someone who ends up having almost all the traits of narcissism or sociopathy. But then, I also didn’t really know what all that meant until things became really bad with him.
Yes they do come back to us when they don’t hear from us. Funny, because usually I would be the one to run after him, after every fight. Either he made me believe it was somehow my fault or I simply didn’t want to be fighting, so either way I ended up agreeing with what he said and then he’d make me work for it. “Ok to make up for this you’re gonna buy me dinner…” or other things. And he knows we live in one of the most expensive places and I’m rather young and trying to make ends meet.
Now when he acts up like that I don’t have any problem walking away anymore, and so like yesterday HE is the one coming back and apologizing, After him trying to blame me and getting me to crawl before him doesn’t work anymore. I always thought he was so unpredictable; but somehow everything all of a sudden is so predictable now. 😅
The waiting wouldn’t be half as bad if he at least showed some empathy or was sorry that he keeps having me wait. But nothing.
And yes mine lied to me so many times. About a car he was using that was “his uncles” but belonged to a lady, panty liners trash that was only trash from his cousins car, that he brought up to the apartment…..
Ladies shirts he brought to the cleaners that were his aunts but now he admitted were that lady’s. The lady calling him babe and the other way round, but that’s just “a thing Americans say”
Female hair in his place that I get ridiculed for, for pointing it out, still to this day..
The list goes on…
I felt not good enough for so long. I felt little, always careful, I felt annoying because I was longing for love and undivided attention and yes many times he made me feel stupid.
But now who’s the stupid one. Even though certain things still hurt and sometimes I almost still believe I’m too immature or this or that, I can see that it’s really him who has issues and who’s in the wrong.
I’m not gonna think it’s me anymore. I’m perfectly loveable and cindyt. I know the feeling! 🙂 it feels like the weight is lifting and you can breathe again and the world somehow just looks better!
We can do this! Because our feelings actually told us what’s right all along. At least mine did.
Now we just need to learn how to listen ;))
I am glad you are both feeling positive. I want to write him a scathing email letting him know that I know what he is and I know who his family are and I know he is lying about everything, and warning him to stay away from me in real life and on social media.
I realize I feel trapped and paralyzed by the uncertainty around whether he will try anything or whether he is out there stalking me, and I know if I threaten him with harassment I won’t have to worry anymore or feel uncertain. I am from NYC and I have a mouth on me. I can really be over the top with the insults. He has never seen that side of me because I kept it under wraps but I could let loose. I am seriously considering doing this. Any good reasons why I shouldn’t?
Val…. I am from D.C. and I don’t handle being hurt or anger well at all!! I’ve said and done some terrible things to my sociopath to get even when he hurts me. He used to make this big production of how my words hurt him and he could not tolerate me and would break up with me. I didn’t know what he was then, so I would panic and beg him to take me back for days/weeks and eventually he did. I’ve known since last year that although my words ( my tongue is vicious) annoy or maybe anger him, they do not hurt him. Sometimes I say the nastiest, most vile things to him ( mostly facts about him and his life) to try to give myself closure. I say these things to try to make sure he never want me back!! Last Friday I said terrible things about the dead brother ( a sore spot for him), he’s a cop so I stated that I hope he catches a bullet, about his wife divorcing him ( she was who he really wanted although he lied and cheated on her too). Just anything I could say to try and transfer the pain. I’ve put him on a gay dating site ( pics and all ), forced him to pay me twice what he owed me, locked him out of his apartment, etc. In the beginning he told me that he’s never had anyone to speak him that way and he would not tolerate that disrespect from anyone… it would take a couple weeks but he always took me back. I started to get that he wasn’t a man of his word and started now to fear him walking away for good. Whenever he pissed me off or hurt me I would go off and let him have it, he would either fire back or withdraw but the duration got less and less… so if it makes you feel better to let him know that you know what he is FIRE AWAY!!! Mine never replies when I talk about him being a sociopath… he will address anything else but not that!! He knows it true!!!
Val… chances are once you let him know what you know about him he will stay away. They don’t like to deal with people who really know who they are… they like fooling people with the mask. This is why my sociopath has changed how he deals with me… there’s no need for the act anymore. I know!! He used to be the sweetest, caring guy although he was lying to me from day 1… he would lie with an excuse of why he couldn’t see me, now he just doesn’t show up, call, text, NOTHING!!! I’m sure whoever the latest victim is she’s getting the sweet, caring and charming guy. These people man!!!
just ignore him they like the abuse and the chase. if you dont give them that they will move on. i tried the mean tactic and i can say some really nasty things too. i used that to make mine go away but its only temporary. he came back i softened up. the only thing you can do is cut off contact with them completely if you need to stay of social media or block them change your number move if possible. it takes time but they eventually move on to a new victim. if you are serious and completely done with them then you have to be strong until then if you keep talking to them it wont end. even if you confront him he will do everything in his power to try to convince you differently and will usually win. its another part of their game. really just take my advice and let go of it and ignore him completely. it is the only way. if you are not ready then you are not ready but by confronting him is you saying you are not ready. when you hate someone to the point of no return you stay away from them and you do not talk to them. this is no difference.
Good morning ladies… KindSpirit, I always felt like I could breathe… it’s just that I’ve been on a never-ending roller with him, my emotions. As I stated earlier when I’m with him and things were good I was in a state of euphoria!! When he ignores, stands me up or just abruptly stop communicating it’s the worst time in my life!!! I’ve decided the euphoric moments just aren’t worth it anymore… and the have become so far and few in between! While I still love him ( not desperately like I used to) I realize I have to love him from a distance. As I stated before, he treated me much better before I made it clear that I know what he is… since letting him know that he just doesn’t care. I was willing to deal with him because I did love him and thought ” maybe he can’t help the way he is…. does that mean he doesn’t deserve love”? Maybe he does but I can’t keep getting hurt and treated like shit!!
Well, whoever mine is with might be getting someone sweet and charming, but she is not getting sex, that’s for sure! That’s what he told me anyway and otherwise he wouldn’t have been on the dating site, unless of course he’s cheating. But he only uses sex to hook supply so I don’t know why he’d bother cheating, unless he needs more supply. Maybe she already left him ;-). Such a classic narc I can’t even stay angry at him because he’s like this little boy underneath it all. I didn’t send any sort of email.
Maybe I’m not quite ready for closure? Still hoping he’ll come back all reformed and normal? If I said nasty things there would be closure, I guess. But who knows! He completely ignored me the last time I tried to be nasty, and then of course contacted me anyway. I’m just annoyed that I can’t go back to my favorite site because of him and I hate the one I am on. Never seen so many ugly mugs in my life. And the level of discourse is pretty low, even for a dating site. Sigh. Well, at least I got through another day of no contact, right? 😉 Thank you Cindy!
And yes, that emotional roller coaster. I’ve lost so much weight. I just came from the gym and I lost another 6 pounds. I don’t know how – I stuff my face with pasta every night and eat chocolate and whatever I want. It is all the stress of this (non)relationship.
I’m still working out and healthy extremely clean and I’m losing weight. I told you I’m the exact opposite, I’ve gained 30 lbs since finding out what he is and being hurt. Working out itsel is making me feel better Day by day. I usually take pride in my appearance, it was the main thing that attracted him to me. As I’m working out more and focusing on my health, weight, appearance and just ME I’m focusing less and less on him. Yayyyy!!!
Wow!!! No sex? Mine hooked me with charm, stimulating conversation, “similar interest”, and great sex!!! Girlllll!!! I think if you said something nasty like you were done it would excite him… yes, they get offended at first and ignore you ( that’s if they have someone) if not they will engage… it all depends. One night I just went berserk with a barrage of insults…. where he normally would feign indignance he engaged me in back and forth then begged me for hours to come over. I went over and he attacked me at the door with the best sex ever!!! During sex he kept saying ” get all you want and how ever you want it tonight because this is the last time, you’re too mean”. Lol!! We had this dramatic goodbye embrace. Of course a few weeks later we were back because he needed me. Smh!! Val… I can’t judge you, at least you’re being honest. I understand not being ready to completely walk away yet. Yes, they are like little boys and although you know how messed up they are you just want to love them BUT you will never get that love back. You’re welcome girl!! Do what is best for you. I will be right here to support you no matter what… love is not an easy thing to just stop!!
LOL. I got all that – charm, stimulation, great sex. That’s how he hooked me. But then I left the country for five months, not that I think it would have been any different. It probably would have ended sooner. But because we were apart, I kept my emotions in check. Now we’re in the same city.
One of his new supplies is what he describes as an “emotional relationship” and he told me he was not sleeping with her (or the ex who wants to reconcile). Two weeks later he contacted me on the dating site – obviously looking for sex so not sleeping with the new one or the ex. I left the online conversation when I realized it was him. I only want him on my terms, which means no other women. And he won’t give me those terms. Stalemate. If I contact him – angry or not – he’ll know that I’m still hooked ;-).
Why are narcissists so damned complicated? I think of it like this: their personalities are so fragmented that they need a “supply source” for each fragment. The fragments never come together to make a whole. Everything is compartmentalized. They cannot have a full relationship with one woman. If the narc is emotionally close, he can’t do sex. If he does sex, he can’t be emotionally close. He can do superficial charm, etc but not real intimacy + sex. So many times (before I knew he was a narc) I’d ask him why he’d get distant right after we were particularly close. For a long time I thought he had Asperbergs, and in fact it can be difficult to distinguish the two.
Good for you getting healthy! I have no idea why I am losing weight, really. It started last year when I split with my husband and it’s just continued. I’ve probably lost 20 pounds without even trying.
If he’s a true sociopath, he’s sleeping with them. Don’t believe that he’s not. Mine was so sweet and innocent, I never thought he was seeing anyone else much less sleeping with. That little bastard was. They all have multiple partners, it’s just what they do. I gave him a lot!! EVERY time we were together… morning, night, at work but he still seem to get it from someone else.
If he’s sleeping with them then he is also cheating on them. Ha. At least he’s not cheating on me, right? 😉
Girl they cheat on everyone!!! Scandalous!!! I was calling his wife ( who he was separated from for cheating 6 months after they married) to find out what their situation was, she told me that they were working on things ( although she was working in Dubai). She had no idea about me… then during that same time I found out from a co-worker that he was cheating on me!!! Girl!!!
I mean he’s not cheating on me because I’m not with him anymore!! When we were together he never asked me and I never asked him. I just assumed that he was.
Yep… if you want to be with them you have to accept that they will cheat. Smh!!
I’ve come to realize that if I can’t be with him, then I’m not interested in anyone. In other words, I’m not ready to date. The hole will not be filled by someone else and it isn’t fair to other people to date without being truly interested in them. It feels much better to grieve as if this were like any other broken relationship and stop beating myself up about it. I have always jumped from relationship to relationship (serial monogamist extraordinaire here!) and that is how I got myself into this in the first place. He might be able to move on to someone else (or several someone elses), but I cannot. It’s not a competition that someone “wins.” However fucked up he is, I have to recognize that I too am fucked up. I thought I was self-aware, but I am not.
I’ll come here to post to keep myself from contacting him and to support others. But I also think no contact is the same as contact from his pov, and no contact does not seem to be helping me, though I will keep at it. Music helps!
Hi Valerie, I think you sound wise. Dating again is not a good idea if you are not healed. You need to pour the love into you. Am pleased that you write and feel that you have somewhere to get your feelings out. You cannot change him, it was worse than you thought it was. You will realise this when one day you are fully healed, recovered and you feel like you. Then you look back and realise what he was doing to you.
Good morning Val…. you are getting it my dead!!! Remember I said to you ” there’s no sense in me going out with others that I feel no butterflies”? I know myself and I know it would be a waste of my bad his time. I also know that I need to be happy with me, love and work on myself first. You’ve come to that same realization!!! Good for you!!! Right now I am 100% focused on CINDY ( other than my husband’s illness). This is Day 6 of NO CONTACT and I feel GREAT!!! I’m working out daily, eating healthy, reading, enjoying friends and family and realizing that I can be happy without him in my life!! Do I miss him? Yes, but not as much. Do I want him? Only for sex. Ironically I checked my email to see if you girls had posted or commented and guess who email me at 6:00 this morning? Yep Him!! I was a little surprised and HELL NO I won’t reply!!! It’s taken me a long time and countless times of being hurt by this guy for me to get here…. I guess I’ve just had enough!! I used to focus on the good times with him, go back and read old texts from when things were good and look at his pictures ( he’s very attractive) and that’s why I couldn’t move on. Well, I’ve deleted all of the texts, most pics and I now focus on how bad he’s treated me, how bad he made me feel, how I know that he really doesn’t want me. It may take you a while, this took over a year for me. I kept holding on thinking one day he will realize how wonderful I am and really want to be with me. That’s never going to happen. I’m praying for you Doll and of course I’m always right here for you. I promise!!! 😘
Sorry….. that’s supposed to be ” my dear”. Autocorrect lol!!
Thank you both. I do think it was worse than I thought it was, positivagirl. It was way worse. I’ve never gone back to read any of the thousands of emails. Yup – we averaged 150 emails a month, almost all initiated by him – shades of your guy, Cindy, emailing at 6:00 a.m. Nor have I looked at any pictures. Not one. He does. He resurrects old email threads. But I don’t. I haven’t deleted them either, though. They just sit there sadly in a folder ;-). I saved it all in part because I thought he might be vengeful once I realized what he was. But so far he has not done anything public that I know of.
You can do this… no contact and stay busy!! Do fun stuff, reconnect with friends and go out. Shop, travel, listen to music ( you’re right that helps) and pray to get him out of your heart and mind.
I am feeling much better just by accepting that there are things even I cannot change ;-).
Great!!! Yes, I’ve had to do that too. You can get over this… it won’t be easy but you will. We all will.
Yes we will! Big smile on my face! But I worry that my new feeling of peace is because I’ve shifted my thinking to that we had a big argument rather than a break up. But I guess that’s the no closure thing with these types – never really in it and therefore never really out of it.
Yep…. and be prepared for your feelings to shift back and forth. Just do what you can to get through the sad feelings. You see I had a couple of bad days then it changed. I’m thanking God that I’m at peace right now and not wanting him or communication from him. That’s HUGE for me!!!
Yes. That happens with me too. I was fine for about a month. I think it’s because a month is the longest we have ever gone without contact (last June and then in December). Now it’s just past a month and the waters are unchartered…just thinking that I miss his company. However ephemeral it was I could pretty much count on it in some form. I am also stressed because my son is likely moving here and we are waiting for the final word from his company…on tenterhooks about that too.
Thank you everyone. You have saved me 😊😊😘😘
Anytime, Goldilocks. That’s what we’re here for – to save each other 😉
What? No posts? Everyone okay? I had a fantastic day today. I really enjoyed being alive and being myself.
Hi Ladies,
I’ve had a busier week than expected. Been wanting to post something.
I’m glad you’re doing good and everybody seems to make great progress it seems :))
That’s awesome!
I’m feeling good myself and haven’t seen my ex since the dinner thing and I’m not in contact a lot. Still not ideal but the most important thing is i feel good 🙂 without him!
I’m getting back into doing things and seeing more people. It was a little more rough for me over the past month because I recently moved back here, didn’t have a car at first and barely any work. And the almost only familiar thing here was my ex… but now things are starting to flow again 😉
I wanted to share something with you that a girl said at work yesterday. She said: I don’t tell a guy no more what I want in a guy, because they go and do that and try to show you that they are what you want, until they have you and then they just let themselves go and show their true self. I’m just not gonna say anything anymore and let them show me how they are right away.
It reminded me of my past relationship, because obviously he promised me all that he thought I wanted and I never really got any of that.
So now I just wanna take my time and focus on myself and then the right one will come along at the right time. 🙂 and he won’t be pretending. 😉
Love communicating with you girls!
Hey Ladies…. I’ve had a couple of interesting days… I told you about the 3 hang up calls at the reception desk where I work from him and the email ” just saying hi” yesterday morning. I ignored them. Then last night I got a text ” so we are really never going to speak again?” No reply. 20 minutes later another text ” you could have at least says bye Kullen”. No reply. An hour later a knock at my door. I didn’t even get up to see who it was… no one comes to my apartment without calling first. Then this morning I got a “Bye” text. No reply. It was kind of wearing on me but I’m fine!! I’m at the movies now with a friend waiting for the movie to start. I’m so proud of ME!!! Day 7 no contact!!! I’m feeling good about Cindy!!!
Good advice to let someone show who they are. But I wanted what mine was. Superficial, not needy, cool, calm, collected, independent. Problem was that he couldn’t accept that that was all I wanted. Laughs, no fuss, sex, respect. I wasn’t looking for anything serious. So what did he do? He roped me in, tightened the noose and tried to hang me ;-). They’ll get you coming or going if they want to!!
Wow! Good for you, Cindy! Amazing!
I would not be able to resist all of that.
I’m so DONE!!! It feels good not to be jerked around anymore!! They are so sad…. he wants my attention because he can’t get it. Didn’t appreciate it when he had it.
While at the movies he emailed ” IM COMING OVER”. No reply. Lol!!!
Good work!
Not so fast…. when I got home (3 hours after that message) he was waiting for me in my parking lot in front of my building. Positivagirl I need your input…. what am I in for? He’s NEVER been like this EVER!!! He was acting strange… he kept asking where I was, why didn’t I reply, why wasn’t I home. I made the mistake of telling him that I was on a date ( thinking that would discourage him) and he would leave. He then kept asking questions about the date ” where did y’all go”? ” what did y’all talk about?” “Are you sleeping with him?” And he’s a very attractive guy but he looked terrible…. his eyes were blood shot and puffy and his face looked puffy like he’d been drinking. He said he was just getting off a 12 hour shift. He kept persistently asking questions about my date… then he followed me up to my apartment when I said I was done talking and was going in to go to sleep. He pretty much forced his way in. He’s NEVER acted this way before!! I guess I grossly underestimated how he would react to me finally being done with him. He also asked me to marry him. Omg!!! I need help right now!!!
Cindy, you need to call the police immediately and get a restraining order. It sounds like your guy could be violent.
No…. he’s not violent at all!! He’s just acting crazy!!! He normally doesn’t care what I do but it’s like he really gets it that I’m done and he’s desperate!! He had been drinking but he wasn’t drunk. He is a police officer so I don’t want him to lose his job. I just want to to go away so he can stop hurting me. They don’t get it… now he desperately wants me because he lost me!!! They are just the craziest!!!
Wow!!!! That IS crazy! And yes they do that…. and it really hurts when they wanna give us all that we wanted when it’s already too late.
I understand that you don’t want him to lose his job, but if he does that again I’d kindly tell him that you need to move on from him and can’t do that when he’s around in any way. So either he stops it or you’ll have to file a restraining order. Maybe that’ll stop him before you actually have to do it.
But he clearly went too far!
That was from me, kindspirit. Something went wrong and I got logged in with another WordPress account
Thanks KindSpirit… I asked him not to just show up at my apartment like that again. His response was ” well I text you that I was coming over and you ignored me”. Wth!!! It was almost like he had a right, I had no choice in the matter. He was being possessive… he’s NEVER been possessive!! He won’t listen to ” I need to move on”… he’s now focused on winning me back. Smh!! I wish I could believe him but I know I can’t.
Hope everything is okay, Cindy! It suddenly occurred to me that these types that wind us up so much are in fact really dull people underneath it all. Maybe they act out because they are bored with themselves? They worry that other people will be bored with them too? Because in truth they are boring? Just a thought…