These are the main character traits as outlined by Robert Hare
Factor 1: Personality “Aggressive narcissism”
Grandiose sense of self-worth
Lack of remorse or guilt
Shallow affect (genuine emotion is short-lived and egocentric)
Callousness; lack of empathy
Failure to accept responsibility for his or her own actions
Factor 2: Case history “Socially deviant lifestyle.”
Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom
Poor behavioral control
Lack of realistic long-term goals
Early behavior problems
Revocation of conditional release
Robert Hare thought that Factor 1 traits will always be present, whilst factor 2 traits can improve with age.
144 thoughts on “Is he/she a sociopath?”
If by “improve with age” you mean become a refined precise skill then yeah, I see that. My 56 yr old sociopathic spouse has all of ’em down to a science.
Yes…. and they are meant to get better as they get older. Did he mellow with age or get worse/stay the same?
You nailed it.
Anyone questioning if/what a sociopath is/can do hasn’t experienced it. They’ll consume your entire life, & keep you so stressed during the relationship you can’t figure out why. It becomes eerily obvious once they’re removed. I know exactly where i learned to accept the behavior, from my mother. I’ve had to eliminate her from my life as well, as hard & horrible of a situation as that is. She’s had 40 yrs to fix this, & I can’t continue to allow her or my ex to control my mine & my children’s lives. Especially since it’s 99% negatively & destructive. I’m so glad i found group,& all the information I have after 4 yrs of trying to recover my health, finances, & children AND being vulnerable to my sociopath,bc of needing help with it all. I allowed him to bring me to this point, & am having a hard time getting back where I need to be for my kids & I.
I am just in shock .I dont know or I guess I never wanted to admit it but, everything on this web site is explains my boyfriends personality and just his everyday life. It’s kind of scary.
Hi pauline. Welcome to the site. It Is normal at first to be in shock and to not want it to be true. If you recognise your partner here, it probably is true. You are in good company here. Everyone understands how it feels 😦
This description matched my ex perfectly. I had just ended a 5 yr relationship and when I met my sociopath ex was feeling very vulnerable. At first I believed he was sarcastic and funny because or the way he spoke of himself. It was cute until I realized he was serious, he really felt that way about himself. He had this sense of entitlement without ever working or earning anything. He would lie to me, cheat and then beg me to take him back. He wanted to manipulate me. I almost believed for a moment that he was sorry and that I had not made our relationship status clear therefore this had all been a misunderstanding and considered taking him back. I heard him crying and when i looked into his eyes i saw no tears. He wasnt sorry at all, he was sorry he got caught. When i talked to the other girl i realized he had said terrible lies about me. Calling me a whore and gold digger. He didn’t even have a job when I dated him and he would try to use me to give him money, food or sex.
He would always blame me or someone else for anything wrong in his life. He had a history of drug use, he’d been in jail for about two yrs. When he did get a job he would lose it quickly because of his lack of responsibility and impulsive nature. When I did finally break up with him completely he took advantage of us still having mutual friends and raped me at a friends birthday party after everyone had gone to bed. I found out about the rape when I was 7weeks pregnant. I’m afraid of him because of sociopath personality. I no longer have any contact with him. The last i heard he is living off an older woman that takes care of him.
Hi Lili, welcome to the site, and Merry Christmas. How long ago did you split with him? What an awful thing to go through to be raped 😦 That has to be the worst type of violation. How are you feeling? It sounds as if every part of you has been violated, emotionally, physically, sexually, socially….. are you ok? Welcome to the site.
Hi Positivagirl, This happened two years ago. I was watching a television show last night that mentioned sociopaths and I became curious about my ex. I started searching the Internet and found this site. I felt relief to vent and share my story. I’m in a healthy relationship and am very happy now. It feels wonderful to be in an honest and mutually giving relationship. I know that not all sociopaths end up being murderers or rapists but I now know the personality type and realize that I can’t be in a relationship with someone like that. My experience with a sociopath happened to be traumatic and I don’t ever want to go through that again.
Hiya positive girl I posted on this subject and waiting on a reply from you. Plz do when u get time. Thankyou
Finally getting away from a sociopath that’s been off and on for three years. I am broken and healing. Been wondering why ive been zapped of all energy. Seems the sociopaths drain you of everything….Glad I found this site because now I understand and can see that its not me!!!!!
Hi Mary, welcome to the site. No it is not just you. The sociopath will zap your energy as they manipulate and control you. As well as constantly seeking attention. Afterwards the silence can be painful. It can take a while to get your energy back.
I also suffered from multiple rapes from my ex when we lived with my parents and he would do it even with our daughter in the bed. I was in so much denial… They end up stealing your sexuality after awhile, your self esteem. I used to blame my lack of sex drive on hormones but, as soon as he left us my sexuality came right back. What’s strange and twisted is how you still crave them… It’s very unhealthy and I’m afraid of my vulnerabilities.
In my case, it’s my son. He is an adult, in his 30’s and I’m just beginning to accept the sociopathic behavior as a reality. I’ve been in denial mostly due to blaming myself. Thank you for this site.
Hi Deb- I am sorry to hear about your son. My daughter has been dating a sociopath, and I just discovered that his mom sat her down, took on the role of therapist, to “help” my daughter. My daughter now denying all the mean things he has done, or saying they weren’t that bad, or that she misunderstood or got it wrong. She has done a complete 180, saying that he is not a sociopath, that he has feelings but just expresses them wrong, that he truly cares for her, doesn’t control her, and just wants to protect her. I asked her what she needs to be protected from. She didn’t know. Anyway, it’s like the mom is now in cahoots with her sociopathic son, and they are both gaslighting the heck out of my daughter. Any advice from one parent to another. Thank you.
Okay, so slightly disappointed today, saw Frozen, which is based on The Snow Queen, by Hans Christian Anderson. The story has a wonderful lesson to learn, for anyone who hasn’t seen it I won’t spoil it. I did lean over and tell my daughter, “Wow, this story is loosely based on daddy!” Lol. She didn’t think I was as funny as I did. She did however say daddy had to “work” and she hoped “work” didn’t have any kids, old or new ones with him. Hmmp.
Thank you for this site. I’m just in the beginning stages of figuring out what my now ex-fiancé probably is. My story is so long & awful but the short version is we were friends for a year & lived together the last 2. For the most part we were happy & my whole family adored him. He was arrested for bad checks right before Christmas & it’s been a nightmare since. I’ve found out about so many lies & things he hid & other women & money scams. Guess deep down I know this is the answer but he writes these heart wrenching letters how sorry he is & how I’m his whole world. But then the few phone calls I’ve taken from him he turns it all around & I’m the awful one for abandoning him. Just need to talk to someone who has been through this. I feel torn apart. I guess my question is how do you really KNOW that he isn’t just a lost soul who had a bad childhood (which he did) & secondly should I be scared? If he’s really a person with no conscience who has absolutely nothing to lose…should I be scared when he gets out? He calls 20 times a day (which I don’t take) & writes almost every day. I just can’t wrap my head around this person I loved being a sociopath – something that I never knew anything about until now. Any advice is welcome.
My spouse is in the military now and I dread the day he comes back and tries to use fake love and pity to slither back in… It’s very hard like an addiction! Sometimes we need a sponsor to keep us grounded! Just remember they cheat on you, they lie about everything, and they do not respect you at all. They know what you want to hear!
I just saw this. Thanks for responding Elizabeth. It is hard, but I know you are right. After three months he still writes & tells me I’m his whole world & begs me to forgive him, but even in the letters I’ve found things he’s lied about. I’ve kept the no contact & haven’t responded in weeks now although I really want to. One day we had a life together & the next he was gone & all these things he kept from me came out. I want to write back & call him out on the other women & the lies & how much he hurt my family, but I haven’t. I know he wouldn’t care…he sure didn’t as he was doing these things, so why would he now? But it just leaves everything feeling unfinished. I just want to feel normal again, but I’m sure I will in time. Good luck to you too. If you ever do need a sponsor let me know. 🙂
Wow. It’s really overwhelming to read a biographic highlight of your spouse of 33+ years under the heading of Sociopath. I don’t even know where to start to put my life together. I divorced in May, and have severed all ties with him, as best as possible. He is able to stay out of jail even though he abused his own daughter. He is masterful at manipulation and injecting as much damage into situations. No remorse or ownership of anything. Years of affairs, years of abuse, years of lies, years of never being accountable to anyone, Job change after job change. He had us as his cover, and to take care of his belongings/pets. We were possessions. How do I even begin to heal.
Hi Deb, I edited your post as it showed your full name. 33 years – you deserve a medal!!! You can heal. 33 years is a long time to recover from ANY relationship let alone a sociopathic one!! The mind games, control, manipulation techniques. It might be beneficial to get some therapy to work through what has happened to you. Even if the relationship was a good relationship that just went wrong it would take a long time to work through 33 years. Welcome to the site, I hope that you receive good support here.
Im a sociopath but I wouldn’t do things like rape or theft its just not worth it when I can get people to do things voluntarily instead and why have many short term relationships when I can persuade people to keep it going. And I think of myself as a living example not all sociopaths are terrible people, well at least not completely terrible
I was with my husband 37 years before i was able to form an escape and follow through. It’s been 2 years. It’s still tough, but the feelings of freedom gradually come back as I reclaim my life. What i did was VERY important to the development of my children also, though they are grown up. They needed to see me get free. Hope this helps.
I’m so glad I found this site. I think it has saved my sanity!!! I am in an 8year relationship with an alcoholic who has been sober for 27yrs. I have my own program in Al-a-non. I always thought it was the Alcoholism traits and could never understand why the insanity and melodrama continued even though he says he works his program.
Now I know why it never works he is a sociopath! The explanation on the front page of this website described this relationship to the tee!!
I feel like a ten pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Thank you Liz 🙂 Welcome to the site 🙂
I answered the questions in test number two. My score was 1.1 for the primary and 1.9 for the secondary. I am assuming, as it is rate from 1 (lowest)- 5 (highest) that I have the ability to show only slight sociopathic behaviours (if I choose), thank goodness. Though I have to add, I truly believe and feel with every thing I have in me that I am giver through and through, not a taker, so will not let this be a negative or anything to worry about. We also have to be honest with ourselves as we a humans we are not perfect, as my score probably reflects. 🙂
I don’t think that 1.9 is high. That is a fairly normal score I would think. The secondary is how you are in life, not to people. Taking risks, living life on the edge etc…. I would imagine that had I taken that test at another time I would score higher in that section too 🙂
I wanted to put up the test, as I know that it is common for sociopaths to accuse their partners of what they are guilty of themselves. I am sure that if anyone scored it for themselves, and then answered the test again as if they were their partner, there would be a huge difference in score (for most people) 🙂
I was in a relationship with “the man of my dreams” for 5 years ~ who it turns out was a friend of my deceased husband who passed away 6 years ago. This man of my dreams passed away suddenly from a heart attack ~ then I found out about the lies, the other women, .. He was a true sociopath ~ these other women had no idea about me ~ we were engaged to be married and he had a whole totally secret life that I didn’t have a clue about. He told all of these people all that I had was his ~ in reality HE had nothing! I do not even know where to begin healing ~ and I feel like I just can’t find out one more thing! He professed his love daily, would do anything for me and did. He brainwashed me for 5 years into thinking we would be together forever ~ we were partners ~ a team ~ that we did not need anyone else. He would never leave me. He hated kids ~ but all of us that he was involved with had children ~ he always needed to be the Knight in Shining Armor ~ which is what I used to call him! Everyone around our little town just loved him ~ he was such a great guy. In reality ~ he was anything but that! I am so embarrassed and humiliated. I had no idea. I was his target from the start ~ my money ~ my houses. This all makes me sick! He was so convincing and believable. My psychologist says I need to move on and forget about him but I can’t even get over the shock of what I have found out. He had a drug ring ~ women ~ he would kiss me goodnight at the door ~ he worked Midnights ~ talk to me most of the way to work ( he worked over an hour away from home) ~ then call off and spend the night with someone else!! I realize I would have never gotten him out of my life or my home ~ I was a money source (and he had a great job) and he loved our lifestyle. I just can’t get my head around the fact that this was all a lie for 5 years!! Some of these 5 years were fabulous ~ until something just did not seem right ~ but he convinced me it was my imagination. He “would do anything for me. He just wanted me to see that I could trust someone and let someone close to me” These were his words less that 24 hours before he died ~ lies ~ lies ~lies!!!! Help me!!!!
I don’t know how much help I’ll be other than to tell you that you aren’t alone & to read as much about the subject as you can. It’s been 3 months for me & my story is very similar to yours except the “man of my dreams” went to prison for check fraud instead of dying and that’s when I found out one thing after another after another that he had hidden or outright lied about. I completely understand your comment that you couldn’t handle finding out one more thing. This site helped so much because until now I knew nothing about sociopaths & now at least I have some idea what I was dealing with. Again you aren’t alone. We all understand.
oo nooo..i feel sick for you… I think he might not be in a good place right now…Nothing wrong with you….don’t be hard on yourself .You were giving and honest..hope you have lots of support..
Hi Stacie, I just read this – are you ok?
Hello everybody. I’m from Italy and I’m slowly recovering after being abused by a sociopath. I didn’t realise I was being abused until I read this interesting blog. I think I’m walking out from the “fog of confusion” and I’ve been stuck to the “no contact rule” since 16th february 2014, the day we broke up our relationship. I went through deep sorrow and regret… my self-esteem is still very low, the sociopath nearly managed to destroy my family and professional career. I’ve also sent an e-mail to “positiveagirl” to tell my story…. Thank you to you all.
Hi gabry welcome to the site 🙂 🙂
What do you think, could envy be another typical feature of sociopath’s personality? My ex was very envious of others. He could talk for hours, discrediting others, especially when they were successful or rich. He could destroy other people’s career or reputation without regret… But, in his life, he had done no efforts, to improve his situation…. And it was always other people’s fault, if he didn’t have a better position
Hi Gabry. I don’t know for sure about envy. In my case he saw everything in black & white…had very strong convictions about things and anyone that didn’t agree with his conservative views were stupid and not worthy of consideration at all. His beliefs were the only correct beliefs. And like yours, any problems be it business or personal were never his fault. It was his boss or HR or many times MY fault. And after almost three years of him twisting things I started to think maybe I was a bad person & caused his problems. But I’m not and I didn’t. So much to untangle & work through, but it’s all up from here, right?
I must admit my ex was a married man and I was married, too. I had problems with my husband and was unhappy at the time and he managed to approach me, pretending he was the only one who loved me and could understand me. Funnily, he had -or pretended to have – very strong moral convinctions, so he used to disapprove everyone who had an extramarital relationship…. he used to say:”I know that man, he’s “naughty”, he actually has a lover…. so, I want nothing to do with him”. As I objected:”You’re doing the same thing, so I don’t think you have the right to judge him” he used to replay:”Our situation is different, because I really love you”. It wasn’t true: at the end of our story, he told me I was responsible for everything he had done. He didn’t want to be unfaithful to his wife, but I was too strong and he was misleaded.
Mine was the same way, kind of. He would put everyone and everything down. Make fun of others, was jealous of others, only he wouldn’t work at or for anything… no job, well, plays music, no license, only for unpaid tickets, I finally realized at about 3 ,years, with his baby, then another year after that, that he eas never getting a job or his license back. Now he’s feeding that bullshit to someone else, and actually hanging out with the same, (beachy type, rich cocoa beach crowd) he was constantly ragging on… jeaousy, envy and blame are his forte!!!! He even talks shit about his own brother, (who he hangs with a lot lately,) Mother AND father…. who may be a lot to blame buand are definitely terrible role models but grow up, 36yr old man with 3 children, two of whom he lost completely, one to an ex who had it and one placed for adoption)- he only, barely, sees my daughter and uts always at my expense. Emotional and financial! Yes, the no contact gets broken because my daughter begs n cries a lot for him… ugh… any way….. you can imagine the blame he places on, probably even me… You can also use your imagination of all he had to say bad, making fun of, my family, with a lot more money (not rich, by any means, but all work and have things because they work for it) and morals, parents are also still.together.. he was definitely perfect at first but my family sae through him before me, probably why he started in in them. His words are always “you/they think their better than me”! Actually a song title he wrote too….
So, the new gf, who even had to move into a less expensive apartment, because her ex helped her, while my ex, will never, lol. She thinks, however, he Will get a job and when he does hes not allowed to tell me. I mean, I have only provided solely for our daughter, Alone, for the last 3 years, well 6 years total of relationship but shes 3, so I carried him the first 2.5 years then, all of us…..he had no problem when I was 7-9 months prego taking photographs outside in the dead heat, on my feet 6-9 hours a day…. ugh… Anyway, he ‘s apparently manipulated his new girl,of course, to the point of thinking, well, that he’s a, possible, good dad??? A real stand up guy?? I mean he’s only come after me a thousand times in last 6 months of their relationship. He moved right in with her after I left (moved to parents 2 hours south)! She didn’t even know him, and I can’t say I haven’t put it out there what he’s like…. doesn’t matter, girls don’t care, she’s 10 years younger than him, 14 younger than me, hes cheated in her, already, more than once and he needs her because as all of you know, they have to have someone to control and use…. he won’t admit he’s a sociopath but he “proud”ly wears the narcissist label…. he’s not really a thief but he has at least 7-8 of the sociopath qualities I read online a long time ago….ok I’ll add more to the story/blog that suits.. hi everyone, I’m Connie.
Oh wow. … Sounds like someone i knew…
Hi All, I feel so happy to have found this website. At the same time I feel devastated as I have just come out of a 3 year relationship with someone who I think may be a sociopath. It feels like I am reading a description of him when
I read these pages! Will I ever get well and feel good about anything again? I feel so low and on edge.
Hi Stacey, I just found this website also and I am devastated as well I feel like you do, but you must have faith and believe that things will get better. I have my good and bad days, but I continue to get up and tell myself that I am worthy. He did not deserve me and I deserve so much better. It’s easier said than done, but know that you are worthy and you will get through this. Hugs 🙂
It’s funny but after reading lots of peoples’ posts, there’s an emerging consensus that even if you don’t get outright proof they’re lying, you get a “feeling” that something is just not right. You can’t put your finger on it sometimes but the feeling is still there. You find yourself making excuses for their behaviour, thinking perhaps you’re over-reacting or being paranoid. That niggle in your gut is intended to warn you of danger. The anxiety you feel is the same, it’s a natural warning sign.
If you find out the one you loved has been lying to your face, and is making you feel anxious then listen to your natural instincts and run for the hills.
They use emotional relationships as a cover for who they really are and sadly it’s only us, who get involved with them on a personal level who experience the nightmare. No one else really understands what you’re going through.
But we do. Thank heaven for this site, that helps make sense of all the hurt.
Love and light x
Exactly! My instincts have never betrayed me before. Mu ex tried to make me feel paranoid, oversensitive and somehow convinced me I was being all wrong about him. Now I know my instincts have never let me down and at least that’s a relief! Don’t wish you were wrong and don’t give a second chance – at least now you know how to protect yourself!
I couldn’t understand why every time I was around him my head would be so foggy I couldn’t think. The lies started from day 1 he lied about his age .he was in the marines .worked in a club .Had 35000 in the bank .Everyday he would pretend to go to work .He told me he had been stabbed even took me to the location and went into great detail .He didn’t have a penny to his name I was the one paying his way and feeding him .He put me on a pedastal then devalued and discarded.caught him on numerous dating sites .Told me he was a pro fighter even left his kit on bed to try and make me believe him.He would fake phone calls Told me I was his soulmate .I got pregnant thought I’d miscarried he had no conscience and was happy and shouted at me for crying .Turned out I was still pregnant he left came back Faked an entire relationship apparently got her pregnant to told me her name was on his flat showed me all the things they bought he faked messages emails and phone calls from her just to upset me and cause drama as well as fake messages from his brother .He became emotionally abusive he missed our sons birth as he turned his phone off. everything was always on his time scale he never helps with our son and lies about working so he doesn’t have to see him.His lies are never enough he’s faked emails saying hes joinin marines how he’s doing a course running a buisness its just one lie after another.He slates everyone slanders people manipulates tries to control everything .If you uncover his lies you get the silent treatment its always someone else’s fault he has no conscience no empathy only mimics .He has totally drained me my trust my self esteem and messed my head up with his lies and broken promises .I wish I’d ran before it got to deep.Thank god I found this site.
Hi jen he sounds like a classic sociopath. Is he out of your life now?
Im on Week 3 of silent treatment as I had the nerve to get upset over his emotional abuse despite me pleading for him not to ruin his sons 1st Christmas which like every special occasion.he disappeared .I’m going no contact have blocked all channels.
I am sorry that you have had a ruined Christmas. It must have been hurtful that he abandoned you at this time of the year, particularly as it was your sons 1st Christmas.
You know that this was done deliberately TO hurt you. He knew how important it was for him to be there for your sons 1st Christmas, he knew how much it meant to you, he knew how much he could hurt you by being absent.
Well done to you for going no contact. Please take one day at a time, and remember to reward yourself. This is really important. Take it small, and just keep going. You deserve this, most importantly your son deserves this – he deserves to have his mummy well and happy.
I’ve slowly started to see how he’s denied me the things that are important to me or mean something .Everything from a good nights sleep promises of flowers to decorating our sons nursery and missing our sons birth .I’m not allowed to be hurt upset or have any feelings the minute I pull him up or try to talk and be reasonable I get the silent treatment for days weeks at one point months just for him to pop up and drag you back into the game the promises the lies literally sucked the life out of me.
I know its not funny but I wouldn’t mind if mine gave me the silent treatment. I know the pain of discard it hurts. and you go back just to take away the pain of discard… only to find that you are right back where you were before.
I’ve been through the discard phase where I’ve gone from the pedestal to being shit on his shoes where your not good enough and your the needy one your abusive .You go from bein. The most amazing woman to nothing .Its all a big head fxxk.
Learning you can win or reason with a sociopath so better to run.
Likes to mess with my head as he knows I’m allergic to a certain medication he jokes about putting it in my food and drink then he leaves a packet of it in his car where I’ll see it.He started to become aggressive during sex literally strangling me did the same thing during a play fight to the point I couldn’t breathe this turned him on .There’s been so many signs something wasn’t right that I don’t know why it took so long to a see as he isn’t the first one I’ve dealt with.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for this wonderful website, where I can finally understand what was wrong!
I am still not completely sure if my ex is a sociopath, but he showed most of the symptoms. He is a user, he only hangs with people, who have power and from whom he can have any kind of advantage in life. He shows compation for animals, which I admire, but not for humans. He had an awful childhood, he doesn’t have any goals is life, he changes his mind about every important thing. He is a big charmer, he moves REALLY FAST. He clings on to someone only if he can make him favours. He did everything for me, but expected to marry me in return. I think he stayed with me because I am really beautiful, smart and educated. He spent all his money on me, he was such a charmer from the beggining. I also gave him a hard time as I have a really short temper and many issues.
Somehow I knew from the start he was not really geniune – I just smell the false words ans promises. Everyone except for me and my mother thought he was ready to do anything for me. But something just didn’t seem right.
From the loving and caring, up for anything kins of guy, he transformed into a distant depressed jerk, who always accused me of not understanding him at all! He said he couldn’t have a girlfriend because of money problems. I was devastated – he left me a few daya before our anniversary! I felt so betrayed… We were still facebook friends and I could see he liked or comented on other girls’ pictures! After a month he begged me to get him back… Oh, how I wish I haven’t had done this!!! He started charming me even more, he did absolutely everything for me, but I just couldn’t get away that feeling I had from the start – that something’s not right.
I admit, I am really controlling and jealous, but he did everything so I could be happy. He stopped his hobby, he deleted his online accounts, he just seemed so perfectly in love… Several months afted he again started distancing himself, beeing quiet and unhappy. Why? He said if I was happy, he would also be. Believe me, life has thought me not to be happy anymore, because right after that it f**ks me hard, really hard.
I was finally happy and considered living someday with him, he told me he wasn’t. Afte the charming starts the pushing. He wanted me to stop spending his money (not that he has much, not at all), to start cooking for him and to either move in with me or to start living together (so I can help him with the rent). See, he was so manupilative, he knew exactly what to say – he said if I don’t do that, he would either break up with me, or start doing his stupid hobby again and made it hia profession.
I didn’t buy it. He started being angry. We fought every night. One night I just kicked him out with terrible words. I told him every single negative thing about him in harsh words. I can be awful, but I immediately regret this. I said sorry a hundred times, I begged him for forgiveness. Such a fool. He was over me long ago…
He didn’t end it right away, nooo, he wanted me to suffer. To see me on my knees begging him, while he had made this decision long ago. He had already found a new, completely different source of emotion and fulfillness – a younger and uglier girl, who worships him and, most of all, she helps him with his stupid hobby. As she is a specialist in the field, he somehow managed to charm her and get her to help him. As I was no longer a source of fulfillment, his feelings for me had just vanished in the thin air. He begged me to live with him and after only a WEEK he is already in love!!!
And did he end it then? No, he wanted to destroy me completely. You know, he knew how to pull my triggers, how to give me a lesson for not falling completely for him, for being just a little more smart than he thought I was. He rubbed the new relationship right in my face. Just as you described. How can a person be so cruel? I didn’t do anything to him, I was just too nervous and I panicked and made a big scandal.
I begged and cried and I wanted to turn back time. HE DIDN’T SHOW ANY SIGN OF COMPATION, REMOURSE OF GUILT. After all, we’ve been together for 2 years, show some compation, hide the new sucker from me at least for a few weeks, God damn it! He made sure I would find out. How cruel can a man be, how big can my heart be to suffer from this and survive? He left me on Tuesday, I was begging him on Sunday, he was with her on Tuesday. And no, he didn’t know her before. He just met her.
I know it’s over, I know it’s for good. But I can’t let go of the depression, of the crying, of the feeling that “till death do us appart” isn’t real. I can’t stop thinking how she is more convenient for him than me, how everyone told me I am far better than him, but he just chose her. I wake up with that sinking feeling that I am falling in the deep, deep ocean of depression, despare and resentment.
He uses compation for his awful childhood and is smart enough to know exactly when and what to say. I am the bad one, the crazy one, thw jealous one, he is a saint in every one of his friends’ eyes. It’s such a shame I knew he was not honest, even with himself, but I continued it, just because he pleased me.
He made me think I was a monster, I devastated him, he said exactly what you described – that he is happier without me. Who says that? Who shows off with a new girl six days after the break-up???
I am sorry for the long comment, but I am so emotional and easily hurt by everything. He knows it. He used it. He ran from it.
The worst part is we work near eachother and we can see eachother from distance. I now have to quit my job, eitherway I will go mad. I have to lose everything, but my sanity is more important. Everything reminds me of him, he is not like that, he is not sensitive like me. He has already moved on. I am afraid I will have a scar all my life because of him. I hope it’s not too late for me to have a normal life.
Again, thank you! Thank you so much for enlightening me and giving me hope I will get better.
Hi everyone ,
Ive been reading all your comments and my heart goes out to you all, its also made me wonder about my ex and if he is a sociopath ????
We started dating everything was so intense he was so loving ,caring , kind I couldn’t believe my luck we didn’t see one another a lot though as he was working away for 3 months . Soon as he was back it was full on and amazing we both wanted the same things we were so happy and in love , so I thought . Planning a future together, getting a house together trying for a baby . After a few months things seemed to change I didn’t feel his love as much but he was still loving and doing nice things but something changed . I noticed he was on his phone a lot more he was changing our plans and not seeing one another as much and we didn’t talk of our future as much either .
I was getting suspicious kept pulling him up asked him if was with someone else then came the sad face why don’t you trust me we don’t have anything if you don’t trust me , he then ended things for two weeks saying we shouldn’t have contact at all . We got back together 8 weeks later it ended again . I should say he had depression which now I feel he played on a lot and he would always get his way although he said it was me who always got my way .
When it ended he was cold in ways but sill kept saying he loved me just needed time . But soon as I was gone he was with someone else from our work he still kept texting me lovely messages missing me can’t wait till I sort myself out an be back together etc. When I found out about the girl they had been together 6 weeks he denied it all then said he took her for a drink and it was over. We planned to meet talk about us then I found out he was seeing someone else another girl from work I was devastated I told him it was over and I was disgusted in him as I believe they were talking filthy to one another in work . I was in shock!
He kept ringing ,texting ,crying down the phone its all a mistake and he’s been on of with his meds and he feels lost and it wasn’t him he’s been acting out of character please believe me . It took me 3 months to be convinced that he regretted it all so much and he was just messed up we decided to give it another go but by this time he had excepted a job abroad and wanted me there with him. I told him I would not be going but lets try again and maybe in the near future I would , something still wasn’t adding up to me though I was still slightly suspicious but I loved him still and I has no evidence of anything .
I then found out the previous girl who he left me for, he was still with and they never broke up I found this all out 4 weeks ago am devastated all over again how could this loving, caring man I once new do all this to me . He still denied it all ! I told his girl everything also sent her screen shots of messages and pictures he sent me but she’s staying with him.
Ive blocked him on everything now but its killing me I miss him so much I miss the person I knew . Also do some sociopaths if he is one do they warn you about themselves as he use to get upset sometimes and always use to say I just want a normal life with you I just want to be normal , hope were always together but am not a nice person your better off without me am destructive but I don’t want to let you go but I don’t want to hurt you . He would talk this way and it confused me but then I always just put it down to his depression . That’s if he really has depression I don’t know what to believe anymore with him , just feel its all lies .
Has anyone any answers please !!
I feel so lost xxx
Yes they can warn you, if they are that type and they are self aware. They can’t stop repeating the patterns. I am sorry that you are hurting, but you have had a LUCKY escape. Believe me, if he had gotten you pregnant, got a house, you would have been tied to him, and probably ended up paying for the house, paying all the bills. yes you are right it IS all lies. If you haven’t already done so, please get out and get away – escape.. you can do so much better. Believe me, you deserve so much better.
Sorry , I also forgot to mention he has also been asking this girl to have a baby not long after them being together and also asking her to move abroad with him . While still planning a future with me .
I feel sick to my stomach !!
Faith that is awful, and so hurtful. You must be reeling 😦 what an asshole! 😦 I am sorry that you have been through this. But you know you have had a lucky escape.
Thank you positive girl x
it helps o much to talk to someone who knows how am really feeling . I have cut all contact with him but am so curious as what he’s up to and for some strange reason still want him in my life . Guess I do still love him I know we have been split 7 months and no physical contact but its only been a month were we haven’t had any emotional contact .
Yes I do agree I have had a lucky escape but it still hurts , how can someone do this someone who idealized you I still can’t get my head a round it.
I know its horrible but right now I want the same to happen to this girl as I’ve given her proof in black and white and she has stayed with him , she has not move abroad with him though, as yet anyway. But I know she will be telling people in work am just a crazy ex so she doesn’t look silly.
I also hate the fact that he’s got away to a new life in the sun living it up having fun , bright future and am here lost and miserable with my dreams destroyed . And he doesn’t care !
He’s done all this before he cheated on his ex wife and apparently I’ve heard this is what he does just has affairs all the time then runs away he flits from country to country a lot .
Also when I found him out completely , he knew I had because his sister in law told my fried everything he sent me a nasty message out of nowhere saying I’ve heard your talking about all around work , leave me alone I don’t need this . Then after that I told him what I thought of him and knew his secrets he then preceded to be nasty with me but also at the same time still saying how lovely I am and that I am the love of his life .
I don’t want him to be happy or peaceful….. it hurts actually feeling that as he is someone I still love and was planning a future with, I don’t want him to be happy or peaceful .
Funny after we split he said I’ve never been so peaceful or content or happy as when I was with you.
I wonder if he was going see who would move away with him whoever said yes then that’s who he would take , or wasn’t I really an option ?
You said some of them will warn you off them is this because they have some compassion ? He just said when we split 7 months ago this is what I do your better off without me and my changing mind but then still hung onto me .
Its all so confusing !! 😢
If it has only been a month without contact, you are still in early days. I am going to write some posts about undoing brain washing and mind control. As I think that this is important too. There are some sociopaths (disempathetic types) who have feeling for a close group of people.
Thank you , I feel that would really help I am also going to counselling next week as I feel so lost , anxious and also feeling down . This time last year we were so happy (as he made me feel this way) planning a future ,trying for a baby looking for a new home together nearer my family and now am looking for a new home on my own because I don’t want to be in my apt on my own were we talked of our future and our dreams , am currently living at my parents I had an operation 2 months ago confirming why I didn’t get pregnant (which I guess is a blessing in disguise right now) but its uncertain I will ever have children now . I hate my job now because we both worked together so many memories there also , plus the two he carried on with one now his gf all work there . My life has changed so much in a short time from blissfully happy in love to one of the worst times if my life . And all because I gave someone my heart.
Thank you so much positive girl , you are helping so much so glad I found this page . Thank you x
Hi Faith, I read your posts and tour feelings in regards to wanting to know what he is doing, missing the person you knew, wanting to warn others and hoping he is doing the same to others is EXACTLY how i am feeling!!! Its like reading my own heart and mind! Its interesting that you tried to warn her and even gave evidence but she doesnt care and is still with him! I bet it did start a slight bit of thinking in her though and planted a small seed to just be wary????!!!! As a female youd think it would! I met up with a friend i havent seen in ages a few days ago and ironically she knows the girl i have a suspician he is grooming (he is from his work. He always said he wouldn’t see anyone from work but he lied about everything else so why believe that! ) i told my friend EVERYTHING he did and to warn her. Im not sure if she has yet but i doubt it would help as he would just spin her some stories and she is probably already addicted! Its now September. I saw you wrote in april. How are you doung now?
Sorry about soelling mistakes, i am writing this from my phone!
I believe I am going through this now, after having ended a one year relationship. I am completely devastated. This is the first explanation that has made any sense at all to me, before reading this I was just dazed and confused regarding what the hell happened to our once perfect relationship?
Hi Jean the first part is confusion and also where do you put those emotions that you have for some one that now no longer exists? It can be difficult to accept reality when reality is so painful. It is tempting to look back on the illusion painting a brighter picture. I am sorry that you are hurting so much but I can say that it does get better. It does take a while to work through establish no contact. This will force you to focus on you.
Oh my god I was married to the exact person I try to get her but it was always just my fault.
Not what she did or how bad it was it was always my fault. My god over 17 years wasted fuck she be great case study
Christopher you are only half way through your life. You have plenty of time to heal and recover.
Hi everyone, I am reading through the comments as I’m desperately trying to get answers/justification or some sort of validation that my ex partner of 8 years is a sociopath. I broke up with him a year ago but have had contact with him on and off since and the whole situation, the constant wondering if he is with someone else, if he is really a sociopath, why he did what he did, the list goes on (pretty much the same questions and wonderings as all the other victims above) just won’t leave my head. I guess I’m writing to get validation, which I think will help me. Reading this site so far is really helping. So ill sum up the last 8 years and hopefully you guys can help me with some sort of reasons to why and who this person is!???
8 years ago I met him at work. He had a girlfriend at the time so I knew he was off limits, however I remember often thinking that he was quite flirty with other girls-good looking or not. He was so nice and everybody thought he was a really great guy. The people I worked with used to talk about him really highly and said that he and his girlfriend were really tight and spent heaps of time together. I developed a major crush on him, which is quite strange as I never really knew him very well, I just found him really attractive (great body) and he was soooooo nice. Anyway, he left the job to start a teaching career and moved away. I remember being devastated about not being able to see him anymore and I gave him my number so that we could possibly catch up as friends in the future. He also gave me his number. A few weeks later it was Christmas and I sent him a text saying Happy Xmas, to which he replied, “who is this?” obviously my heart broke. He seemed to have this spell over me. But from what I knew he had a girlfriend and I wasn’t going there! However I think after a few texts back and forth and me asking what he got for Xmas he actually wrote, “I didn’t get everything I wanted. I wanted to see you in heels and a G”. I don’t recall wondering if he still had a girlfriend after I got this text, but I was shocked by it as it pretty much came from left field (this event could have happened the following xmas as he did stuff me around for a year, but at the time we hadn’t slept together and I remember thinking it was a real shock to get that msg-so who knows!) I don’t think I had contact with him much after that…..memory isn’t all that good as it was so long ago and sooooo much has happened since.
Then one day, I think a fair few months later I text him to ask how he was going. He replied that he would be in Melbourne and that we should catch up. He also said that he had broken up with his girlfriend. All my dreams had come true! From then on we caught up a few times for dinner/movies etc. But there was no intimacy at this point. From then on, it didn’t take long before we were sleeping together. He met me in a hotel in Melbourne (he lived in Geelong) and he initiated the first kiss and the sex. Thinking back I realize how quickly he moved in on me, despite not knowing much about each other at all. For months we just caught up and had sex and dates. Eventually I started asking where I stood and he couldn’t give me any answers and said he wasn’t ready to commit. I was infatuated so I hung in there. Then he started going cold on me and said that he didn’t want to do ‘this’ anymore. I fought for him to stay with me but he held strong. A few weeks later, after not much contact at all I text him and asked if he wanted to see a movie. He said yes and came over. That night we had sex again and the whole sex/dating thing started again. This time this whole process lasted longer and I met some of his mates etc. I moved closer to Geelong and the day I moved into my new place I got a text saying he needed to talk with me. I knew in my gut that it was going to be bad! He said he would come and see me on the weekend but never did. I pretty much had to nag him to come and see me and talk to me. When he came over he explained that he didn’t want to see me anymore. In my head I was thinking Holy Shit…. your kidding me…this is happening again! But externally I was weak and just sat and took what he said. I even asked him “if you do eventually want a girlfriend would you chose me? To which he replied, “I don’t know, I haven’t found anyone else yet!” (Can you believe it!)? After an 8-year relationship with this guy this comment sticks in my head. When he left (he stayed for about 15 mins and did didn’t even sit down to talk to me!) I sent him a massive text spilling my heart to him. He never replied. He reckons he never got it but he did.
I was sad for a long time. I couldn’t believe what I had done (moved and paying a crap load of rent) and what he had done after I thought that finally this was it! I had no choice but to accept and try and get on with my life. A few months later I was slowly getting over him and I got a text out of the blue saying “hey gorgeous, how are you, what have you been doing?” Sounds stupid but I was over the moon! And again, it was back on! This time it lasted longer and he ended up asking me to be his girlfriend. Actually he asked me and I said no as I couldn’t trust him completely after he had stuffed me around twice. He said okay and we kept on sleeping together for a few more weeks. Then I asked him to ask me out formally again. He replied, “I only ask once!” (I was shocked by this comment) but wanted to be with him soooo much I just pushed my own feelings aside and pretty much begged him to ask me, to which he did and our relationship officially started. A few weeks later we were in the supermarket and he was being really weird with his phone. Walking off for long periods of time down the aisles. I saw him down one of the aisles looking at his phone and I though that was a little odd. So that evening I went through his phone and saw porn pictures, He said his mate had ben sending them to him. I said, that’s fair enough but why be so sneaky and secretive. He replied it was because he though id find it disgusting!!! Another time I also looked at a text that came through as he was sleeping one morning and it was from a girl called lara staying that she would be traveling through Geelong soon. I thought this was odd also as I had never heard him speak of a friend called Lara. When I confronted him he said he didn’t know who she was…. I must have just brushed this whole situation off because I can’t remember how this conversation was resolved but it didn’t at all end up in me thinking he was cheating. For some reason I thought he could never be capable of that as he was such a nice solid guy, a leading teacher, captain of a football club, great parents etc. As I had finished my degree I found work in Geelong and moved in with him a few months later. And this is when the real shit started to happen…
I remember finding condoms in his jeans one day and he told me (after some questioning) hat he had been sleeping really briefly with a girl from his work that had left now and moved away. This was actually true and it clicked as to why he had broken it off with me so many times. He said that the condom must have been an old one from then (this wasn’t true of course) .I asked why he hadn’t stayed with her and he said one because she kept asking him to commit and 2 because she was moving away anyway. However he said that it was nothing and he had chosen to be with me and so that was enough for me, as I felt happy that he had chosen to be with me and that finally he was ready to commit and that he was committing with me (I must have been better and special)! However I kept on happy that he had chosen me and thankful that she had moved away (this didn’t stop me from Facebook stalking her though as it did make me feel insecure!)
One night, in the middle of the night he woke me up to tell me something (the fact that he had woken me up in the middle of the night was strange enough for me as he was always a solid sleeper that hated being woken up). He told me that he had been getting strange texts from girls and he didn’t know what they were or who they were from. I questioned what they said and he just shrugged it off saying it was sexual stuff. I asked to see some and he said he had been deleting them (again odd, especially if they are suspicious and you may need evidence for phone company/police etc.). Anyway I said that next time he got one he should phone the police or go to phone company. This guy was quite a serious guy and ultra sensible (never drank/smoked/ went to gym everyday, anal about not spending money and saving, liked routine etc.) and so I thought it was odd that he hadn’t put a stop to this sooner or questioned the matter more. By that morning I had sort of forgotten the conversation, I assumed he would let me know if anything weird happened again. A few days later I saw on his bank statement that $70 had been taken out for a dating website. I raced to him and said “look, Lavalife, its a dating site, someone must have signed you up (one of idiot footy mates) as a joke and that’s why the text msgs are coming up! (I never thought about how his mates could have got his credit card details to sign him up!). Immediately his reply was “don’t tell my dad!” I thought “what the??” For someone who is so serious and money tight how can he not be furious that 70 bucks is coming out of his account each month and why is he not racing to the bank to stop it! His reaction was the complete opposite to what I expected and very strange. This reaction is what started me snooping further and further…
One night when he was sleeping I went through his phone. I found msgs from random girls that were sexual and sleazy. Their names had been put in as friend’s names or code names. I remember my heart racing, I felt sick and I was shaking and couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it was the same guy. I can’t describe how polar opposite this behavior was of what the public and I saw. I took down the girl’s number and I rang her the next day. I said nothing to him. She told me that for the past 12 months he had been visiting her. She came to the conclusion it was just for sex as he never stayed long and always had some excuse to leave after and hour or 2. He had given himself a different name and job. She also couldn’t believe it-she was actually really helpful and nice to me! She was speaking the truth. He never took her on dates either. It seemed to be just sex. However she did say that he did invite her to come and stay weekends in Geelong –but that obviously never happened because his housemates and I were there! When I confronted him the next day he completely denied it. He said it was a psych ex girlfriend. It took him 2 days and fighting through the day and night to admit it! When he admitted it I called his parents and my parents. I thought that he needed help. I wanted to help him. I thought that it be easy to fix and that I could help him.
Anyway, his parents didn’t do too much. He cried a lot. I think they actually acted a bit desensitized. They certainly didn’t get cross with him. Maybe they were shocked too? I think I wanted them to be utterly disappointed in him and think he was an idiot for hurting such a lovely girlfriend but they didn’t do either. More tried to support him and sucked up I guess. When I asked why he was crying he would say “because I might lose you” or because this might be the last time we hug”. I felt sorry for him. I told those that were close to him but they didn’t seem to care (however I never told them about the stuff over the next 7 years which probably also enabled him)! I was angry and so hurt. I went overseas with my friend. I had to get away. We cut off the Internet to the house as this helped me to think that he couldn’t talk to people online. I didn’t trust him alone and I made sure I rang him all the time when I was there. Then I went to a country where my phone didn’t work and I felt majorly paranoid at first but then I felt relieved and free because I couldn’t check up anymore (and that was pretty draining). When I got back to the UK I dreaded it because it meant that I was able to check up again because my phone worked. It was like a weight had been put back onto my shoulders. I got a text from him straight away and my heart sunk. Even still I couldn’t leave him. Whilst in Europe he sent me a photo. In the background was an Internet chord going to the Internet modem. He hadn’t realized it was in the background! Maybe he did and he was still testing me?? I questioned whether he had turned the Internet back and he gave me some bullshit story that was completely irrational and again not logical! For someone that seemed so smart he gave silly reasons and excuses, which always gave him away! Over the 8 years that followed every 6 months at most I would find stuff on his phone or computer. He had different online dating accounts and different names. He said he never met any of them but he would have met a few. There were times when he would tell me that he thought he had a problem with the online cheating stuff and that at one time he had been ‘pretty obsessed’. He always used the same lines with the girls “I hope you are smiling”…that’s how I knew it was he writing when I saw the texts or emails on his phone. He even had a different sims for his phone. I smashed his phone multiple times in anger to which made him furious. Of course I questioned everything and this made him angry. He was unhappy because I was forever questioning where he was, what he was doing, why this, why that, ananylsing everything. He thought it was ridiculous. He went to see a therapist after I nagged him, but only went to the 5 free ones and when I asked what he had spoken to the therapist about he would tell me that they spoke about stuff other than his problem???? What???
In the 8 years though we had great times together and I thought he genuinely did love me despite his issues. One reason for this was that he never actually left me. I think that he did have some respect for me in his own way. Not to blow my own trumpet but I think I am attractive, fit, enjoy exercising, love surfing, travelling, I am a leading teacher and am really social. Id says I’m a great catch! We also travelled to different countries together heaps, he made me a kayak, we went hiking together, kayaking, he made me presents and I bought a house which he helped me renovate (however looking back he complained about the work, never said how proud he was off me for the achievement and everything was made into a fight). However we did do great stuff together and I enjoyed his company most of the time when we were ‘good’. Of course I was happy when we were travelling, as I didn’t have to worry about him going online or cheating, as we were together 24/7. Although I was paranoid about him taking his phone to the bathroom which he used to get angry about. That reminds me, after probably the 5th time I found out stuff I stopped having sex with him. Although he didn’t even ask me for it. Sometimes when I initiated he would say no anyway-although this could have been a control thing. We got into a habit and comfortable and we probably didn’t have sex for nearly a year. However we had had great sex in the beginning and he was still cheating on me then anyway so it wasn’t the sex that caused him to cheat! He cheated whether we were having it or not!
Throughout the relationship I used to say, “can you say something nice to me?” (I think I needed the reassurance that he loved me) he used to reply “Like what? I don’t know what to say!” I never understood how he could just say something like “I think you are beautiful” or “I love you” He used to say that me asking this question made him feel uncomfortable.
Over the 8 years I threatened to move out heaps, even looked for new places. He did too, but neither of use ever left. If after a fight, which usually ended with him packing his bags and driving off for a few hours, I would always beg for him to come back and he always did. However he was good at holding a grudge and putting it back onto me being angry with him all the time and that was why he was unhappy and we didn’t work (doh! What do you expect?).
He used to say that he stayed because he wanted us to work. When I asked if he would cheat again, the first few times (sounds crazy typing this now!) he would say no and that he would never do it again. Then the next time he would say that he had ‘urges’ to do it at certain times and couldn’t control them. Towards the end and after many more times of finding the latest shenanigans he would day that he didn’t know if he could stop or if he would do it again, but he hoped not.
It’s been a year since I finally moved out. I moved out in August 2014. I couldn’t do it to myself anymore. I was miserable, couldn’t trust him, was realizing that I was letting myself down and I think I was finally just bored of it all and over it. I never wanted to give up on him but I realized that I had to because things were not getting better. I think my inner strength finally came through. My pride and my sense of worth hadn’t completely been destroyed after 8 years of shit. I couldn’t completely walk away though. I had to distance myself to protect myself to some extent but I couldn’t let go of him. We stayed in contact and caught up for dinners etc. but no sex. We decided just to see if we could work again but if there were any signs of us fighting etc. then we should end it totally (this was his idea). Come to think of it he used to say that if he had an argument with a girlfriend then that would out him back another year in proposing to them! What’s that about?
In November 2014, I asked him to come to Europe with me, I thought this would finally make us stronger. He could see where I was from in the UK, we could have a great time together etc. It would heal us. He said no to start with and pretty much had to twist his arm to come then he said yes because he wanted us to work etc etc. It started off okay but he kept texting his married friend every other day, which I thought was weird as if we were supposed to be working on potentially sorting things out then why wouldn’t he focus his attention on me. Why did he need to text her about things all the time? He said he was being friendly to her because she was collecting his mail! Ha! I have best friends who have been through everything with me who I didn’t need to text each day!!!! He even had to text her to tell her when he had landed and was in the ‘stop over’ country. Even though she knew he was with me, he never mentioned me in any of the texts. At one point I text her back to see her reaction to me responding but she didn’t seem phased. I genuinely think she is happily married but this didn’t stop him texting her or vice versa. I don’t understand this! was His texting her made me feel really uncomfortable so I asked him to stop to which he thought was ridiculous. I wasn’t too threatened as she was married (she really was) but I dint like how he always had to have attention from her. Why wasn’t he texting his best male friends?
Halfway onto the trip I found old msgs on his phone from 2 months before. He had sent pics of his semen to a girl, again he called himself a different name and he called her mistress!!! I couldn’t hit him hard enough. We had come on this trip and two months before he had been doing that shit again. In fact, he was probably texting whilst there as one day I opened Viber to text my friend and accidently pressed ‘paste’. Part of a msg came up with him asking ‘where about in Melbourne are you? I hope you are smiling, Chris (his real name is Steve!)
He rationalized me finding the pictures from October saying that it was in October and that he thought he better stop before coming on the trip and he hadn’t done it since!!!! OMG!
Following this, our last country of the trip was the UK. He randomly out of the blue told me that he loved me. I was so surprised as he rarely ever dais it even when we were properly together. I was shocked and it made me feel good. Even on the plane trip back he was talking about us potentially moving to QLD and he even started looking at places to buy with me at the airport.
When we got back to Australia we had a few more catch ups and decided to give it till May this year to see how we go. I still felt uncomfortable about him texting his married female friend and we had a few more arguments over this. He thought I was being ridiculous. I was the one instigating most of the dates and catch-ups and there was no sex however sometimes he would instigate calls and texts and dates. Sometimes he would ask to have a hug before I left. We got to May and as we had had a few arguments about the married chick and we hadn’t seen each other very much (I had a few social things on and I guess was starting to subconsciously move on a fear him). He said that ‘we’ didn’t feel right and that he had nothing else to give. I kept questioning why but he said he had nothing left to say and got angry. It’s been a month now without contact. A month ago I sent him a long text saying that our relationship wasn’t real, that he wasn’t real, that he was evil and that he had broken my heart. I didn’t get a reply. Although on my birthday on the 30th of August he sent a one liner email (yes email, not a text, very impersonal and cold) saying happy birthday. He even signed out with his work formal signature, not even a person from…). It broke my heart again. I had to send him a text the other day about getting our bond money back. It killed me that I had to send it, as I had had no contact for a record number of times. It took him 24 hrs. to reply. Why didn’t he text back straight away? I know I’m stupid for questioning this but I need some answers from someone!
I haven’t heard anything else. He is doing the silent treatment. I don’t expect to hear from him again. After 8 years of loyalty, fun times, experiences, buying a house, travel, births, deaths and marriages he has dropped me like a piece of rubbish.
One last thing, when we were overseas he was really concerned about all the homeless people and used to give each homeless person he saw money. On one occasion he even bought one a meal and gave it to them. He then started talking about how he could help out in the community where he lives. At his school he also does a lot of fundraising around homelessness. If he is supposed to have no empathy or feeling how come he is interested in this????? This is what confuses me the most. Why would he donate so much time to this? Is it to make him look good to others? and why would he feed/donate money to the homeless if just around me, when he has already shown his true colors? I don’t get it. How can he be sooooo concerned about homeless and not cheating on disown girlfriend???
In my head I am thinking:
Is this behavior just the natural break up process?
He has a good family, great leading teacher job, captain of a football team, great friends so why is he like this?
Did he do this to his ex?
Will he do it again-I hope he does because then it wasn’t just me
What happens if he doesn’t do it again-what does that mean?
Is he a sociopath or do I just need an excuse for what he has done?
Sorry for how long this post is, but I had to write down everything to get an accurate picture out there so that I could get the best response. What do you guys think?????
Following on from the above post too, what I also don’t understand is that lots of the information i have read says that SP don’t do much with their time. This SP did heaps…fishing, photography, kayaking, gym etc. But he wasn’t a risk taker and stuck to the same activities. I practically forced him to travel overseas with me and after a few years I think he actually started to like going and so more willingly came or even initiated the trip. He was very tight with his money and his aim was to retire at 40. He hated spending money, which may have been why he didn’t like traveling???
After we broke up and I moved we stayed in contact (it was mainly me pushing for contact), I rang him once before the school holidays and he told me he was thinking about going to India. I was furious. How dare he? I was really taken aback (not sure after all these years this stuff still shocked me though!)
I was the one that loved traveling and had enabled him to have such wonderful experiences. if it wasn’t for me he would have never gone overseas. I was really angry. So I told him that rather than going overseas he should move out of his place (we still lived practically around the corner from one another) so that I could really move on and stop any accidental bumping’s into each other. He said that he would start looking for a new place.
During the school holidays (we are both teachers) I went to Malaysia. I sent him lots of pictures and really wanted him to see that I was having a good time (I really wasn’t as I was thinking about him the whole time and wishing that he was with me as we did travel well together and had fun on our travels). He would reply most of the time with simple generic comments “glad your having fun” etc. He never text me at all. Often when I asked what he had been doing he would simply reply “not much”. A few times he replied “looking for places to live, I have put in a few applications, should know by ….”. I think he knew these comments would cut me to the core as deep down we both knew I didn’t want him to move and he probably also knew that the one line generic comments in reply to text msgs also would have annoyed me (it did!) as I like to talk!
When I returned to Australia I rang him to see what he was up to. I thought we could catch up as at this stage we were still meeting up occasionally. After a long conversation-it was me rambling about my trip (he never actually asked how it went!) I asked him if he wanted to catch up. He said he couldn’t because he was in Alice Springs on holiday! What??? He hadn’t even told me he was going and if I hadn’t asked where he was or to catch up he probably wouldn’t have mentioned it either! Again all very strange! He had gone camping (he actually had, alone-I think he did like being alone a fair bit). I rang him most days so I know he wasn’t with anyone else. However there were times that he would say he couldn’t talk as he was in a backpackers and would wake people or I shouldn’t ring because his phone ringing would wake people. Why not just walk outside the room to talk or turn your phone on silent? I knew he wasn’t with anyone else but him behaving like this really hurt me because in the past when we were together he would have rang me or made an effort to speak if I rang him. Logically any normal person would have just put their phone on silent-but as I wrote in my last post he often had really silly, illogical excuses that never made sense for someone that was supposed to be so clever and sensible!
Damn this is hard. Good memories keep flooding back
Take ownership of those good memories they are part of you (read the post focusing on everything was a lie will only serve to hurt you further) and… Take off your rose coloured glasses pull up a chair lets talk post.
So from my long post above….do you think my opinion of him is validated??
Thanks ill read up on it. Based on the info provided in my last few posts do you think i have a valid point in thinking he may be a sociopath or at least have lots of the traits??
Hi! I read the post and it really helped me to see my past relationship and its final end in a different light. When you wrote about being incompatible does that mean that he will find someone that he is compatible with?? If so does that mean he will stop the cheating and be satisfied? I personally thought we were compatible. The constant betrayal was the thing that ruined it.
Another question…was the reason he cheated because we were incompatible? If he has sp traits how can he be compatible with anyone??? Confused !!
No he cheated because this is what they do having no morals. They need attention it feeds their ego. She doesnt have anything you don’t, despite what he will have you believe. He cheats because he is manipulative deceptive and greedy. They use people. He is using her too. I am sorry you are hurting so much x
And last question. …its actually great to talk with someone who can relate, if he thought we were incompatible why did he stay with me for 8 years? ??
one of the most healing things you can ever do is realize that someone cheating on you has absolutely nothing in no way anything to do with you or anyone else they will ever be with, but has everything to do with them and what is wrong with them inside of themselves. there is no one who will ever make a difference in that hole within themselves that causes them to cheat. about a year ago i stumbled on something on the internet that was the most healing thing i ever read about cheating. there isn’t anything i could ever say that could capture it as good as this does, so i’ll just share it with you. it’s long… but for anyone who has ever been cheated on, so worth reading. love to you ❤
Cheating is not a mistake or something that “just happens”, and
it is not a “normal part of relationships”. Cheating is a character
flaw – it is a lack of integrity and self-worth within the person who
cheats. The person does not know who they are without
validation from external attention, so they cheat to try to use
another to fill a void in themselves. Cheating is 100% about the
cheater, and has nothing to do with the person who gets
cheated on or cheated with. People who cheat are capable
of cheating no matter who they are with and with anyone who
Cheating is always empty. Cheating is always about insecurity.
Cheating is always and only the choice of the person who
cheats. And it IS a choice. It is a coping mechanism that person
uses to try to control others when they don’t feel good enough,
or to hurt others when they can’t face their own hurt inside.
And until a person who cheats can admit that, and look in the
mirror, start healing their own brokenness from within, and stop
taking their internal pain out on those around them, they will
always be someone who cheats or is capable of cheating.
They must first learn to live their life each day giving themselves
love from within, and then and only then can they give love to
If you have been cheated on, their choices are never about
you. It is not your fault, it is not in your control, there is nothing
you can do or be different to change that person, and there
was nothing you could’ve done or been different to prevent
their choices, and it is not your responsibility or your purpose to
fix them. It is their journey to take.
Your journey is to look in the mirror and forgive yourself for ever
for one second forgetting how special you are long enough to
not know your own worth. And from here forward to begin to
learn to love yourself so that you will begin to live your own life
from a place of self-worth and appreciation for who you are.
To live your life each day giving yourself the love that those who
hurt you could not give you. Then and only then can you start
seeking the love you do deserve with another.
You are worthy of love – and not just love, but mad, passionate,
whole-hearted, full of integrity, intensely genuine, truly, deeply,
i-only-want-you-and-only-you ever, fiercely faithful with every
cell of my being, forever ‘till the stars burn out and beyond
Wait for it. You’re worth it.
Once they cheat. I am done tbh. Nothing turns me off more.
Sociopaths aren’t with people because they are compatible. They fake who they are so can be ‘compatible’ with anyone. They are not with people because they are compatible. They are with them because for what they can get and because they can use them.
Wow. Its such a nice feeling to know there are such genuine, caring , helpful people out there like you all. Your comments have really cheered me up and given me a little bit more strength. Basically then, to sum it up, he could have continued to be ‘compatible ‘ with me but because i was getting stronger and could read him like a book in the end and questioned everything he did due to complete lack of trust, he considered me to have no use to him anymore!!!!
They don’t like it when you get stronger, they prefer people that they can dominate and control.
This is a silly question but i have to get it off my chest, do you think he wants no contact because he is seeing someone else? I have had no contact for over a month now and im not going to contact him either. For a time i was and he started to get a bit angry, saying he had nothing left to say to me. Why didnt he change his number if i was pestering him. I would have.
He does this for two reasons. Power and control. They don’t always pop up but often they do usually this is to check on you what you are doing and to make sure that you won’t ruin their new source of supply. Or alternatively as a stop gap.
Based on my experience, do you think he would have some type of personality disorder? ?
It isn’t for me to comment jen. What you need to think about isn’t who he is but how he makes you feel about you.
He made me feel paranoid and anxious a d like i always had to prove myself. I was always on edge and put him on a pedastal. He made me always questio myself. I always had to fight for what i wanted. And never felt like we were a team which is what i value in a relationship.
There is your answer. Not who he is but how he made you feel about you
I heard from a wife of his friends today (we are also friends) saying she was pregnant and sorry to hear that we had broken up. It took everything i had not to say “im not, he was a cheating pig”. A question….how do you stay the person that doesnt become the crazy ex that tells those that know him what he did/does???
Your story really touched me! He was a sociopath I think.id also like the answers to some of your questions including why do they put so.much effort into staying in the rship if they are seeking validation elsewhere (ie cheating) .
Ego, control and power
I dont completely understand the silent treatment concept. My ex didnt just up and leave for days on end or not answer calls. He would often pack his bags and leave after a fight and stay away for a night or go on a very long drive. During these times, after i had rang him many times he would answer and come back. Is this still a form of silent treatment?
Am not sure, it is running away and punishing you. It is taking their power and control, and making you run after them,. it leaves them with the feeling that they have WON. Which is what is Important to them.
Not sure if I am in the right place, but wanted to share my story
My story probably sounds all so familiar, however I feel I am labelling my ex-wife as a Psychopath to apportion blame, rather than accept my shortcomings….problem is I don’t have a clue what I did wrong.
I’m a 50 year old guy, reasonably affluent and held a high profile role with significant status in our local area, for which I was well regarded and held in high esteem by many. I classed myself as a regular guy with the right moral, ethical values.
9 months after the end of my first marriage to an alcoholic, I meet my SP at a friends BBQ, charming, flirtatious and knowledgible of my circumstances we exchange numbers. Texting follows, however She moves to reside with parents due to an alleged breakdown and it takes 6 months before we go out on a date. Thereafter a whirlwind fairytale type romance and I believe I have found true love after years of misery. Sex initiated after 2 dates when she tells me ‘Lets get this over’, insatiable and mind blowing. Took her and her 14 year old son as my own, and provided a lifestyle unknown to them, holidays, theatre, hotels fine dining, engaging with the son as my own helping with studies, sports, hobbies. 2 years and she proposes to me which coincides with my retirement from a high profile and well paid public position. Life was perfect and she was apparently deeply in love with me. New large house bought and a wedding to shame many others arranged within 3 months.
Day after wedding, her 28 year old daughter announces she is pregnant and leaving her partner of 7 years and will stay with us. Thereafter, I became the cook, cleaner and laundry man and the house conversion began for the new baby…no consultation or consideration…its happening. Next my son 19 is humiliated by the daughter and wife to the extent he leaves and becomes homeless, whilst my other married daughters are ex-communicated and my grand children are no longer welcome. I become a passenger and am told that we cannot be intimate or show affection in case it upsets the daughter. I return home one day and find the former husband sprawled along the couch….visiting his daughter, no mention or consideration to me. Daughter visits America with baby for a month, buys new car and announces she is returning to full time work and cannot afford her own accommodation. I express my concerns and opine that we are being played by the daughter… Wife announces, circumstances have changed , deal with it. I try to explain that we need some quality time to be married but to no avail. I continue to fetch and carry toddler to playgroup. Mother, daughter and baby go on holiday whilst I remain at home to look after the cat, dog and 14 year old! Thereafter wife takes up a restoration hobbie that accounts for about 6 hrs daily, I can either join in or be alone.
14 year old meantime is now punching himself in the face when I try and explain studies and runs to mother in tears stating I hit him….hours later after the most unholy row….he bursts out laughing telling mother ‘gotcha’!!!
15 months into marriage I purchase months holiday in America to visit her son and new grand child, a gift for her 50th birthday. On holiday her demeanour changes to something very distant and argumentative, almost provocative whilst the 14 year old is now shouting ‘Im not his father so I cant tell him what to do’ and my wife backs him up.
Fast forward, we return from trip of a lifetime on friday and have an evening of passion like never before. Next day at work I receive a text advising me that its not working out and I should leave. Stunned I return home to be coldly told ‘My daughter needs me more, I cant be your wife. How about I buy 2 houses for a few years, then we could hook up again as I clearly don’t do kids!!!’.So bewildered and confused was I, that I left to reside with my parents thinking the storm will pass. By the end of the week she has reverted to her maiden name and is viewing alternative properties. My pleas for dialogue are refused, my texts are ignored and calls terminated.
14 year old, background;throwing cats out of windows, 1st sex at 12 years, extremely vane, no interest at school, manipulative, bed wetting still and fascination for fire, with serious anger management issues mixed in.
Don’t think She cheated on me at any stage, it just appears I was no longer needed and replaced by daughter and grand daughter.
One year on, I remain heartbroken and almost fixated on my love lost. Research has helped enormously, and I think I experienced the idealization, devaluation and discard like no other.
In the aftermath I learn there is a life of chaos, promiscuity, terminations and failed relationships, whilst her first marriage collapsed after her involvement with a prisoner she was treating (Mental Health Nurse…how ironic). She fell pregnant to him and was hospitalised due to multiple beatings. She abandons her first husband and children aged 3 & 5, removed by court order due to her reputation, who remain with their father for the next 13 years, whilst she brings up her new child on her own.
Family and friends (although they are all former, she has no actual friends) in the aftermath start to make the disclosures and highlight some of the behavioural troubles from the past. A history of treatment for depression, suspensions from work for inappropriate relationships with mental health patients, 3 terminations to different fathers but not tell then until after the event. Residing with parents because she wished to stab her then 9 year old. A work colleague in the same field, advises me to look up Psychopath…
My wife refuses to contact me in any way, I have no access to 14 year old to whom I was father for 5 years and She has moved her life on as if I never even existed. There have been no explanations to family, other then ‘he blew it’.
This site was recommended to me and I have read, read and read again which helps greatly. I am assuming that my wife and son are definitely on the spectrum somewhere, whilst I don’t think the daughter is far behind.
Lost, lonely and confused beyond comprehension, my faith in humanity has been shredded. Charlie
I am truly sorry to read your story. She definitely sounds like a sociopath and there isn’t much to say except that most of us on this site understand first-hand what you’re feeling and what you’ve been through. I was married for 37 years trying to make sense out of and “fix” the problems in a relationship that was never reciprocal. In the end I divorced him and he was somehow able to convince MY family that I was a cheat and a horrible wife and mother. He has convinced our children that he has changed (because they lived with him and knew his actual behavior) and he is gradually pulling my children and grandchildren away from me. He is a master manipulator and I believe he is truly evil. I could never stoop to his level and neither could most people. I understand about your faith in humanity, but remember that psychopaths are 4% of society roughly, and the level of the condition of “shallow emotion” varies by the individual. Most people are what we call normal and what they, the psychopaths that are self-aware call us “empaths.” (weird) The people with kind hearts are viewed by them as suckers. A positive and important factor that I took away from my experience is that I can spot a psychopath/sociopath fairly early in my interaction with them and I am able to flee the situation. That is truly a gift as my ex has infiltrated the local churches and is preying on the congregation. I feel sorry for anyone who comes in contact with him as he is a parasite. I can’t warn them because they hate me in advance of ever meeting me. All I can say is that I keep away from anyone that he knows (except for my own children, of course) I saw him in the store a few weeks ago and I smiled nicely at him (still a sucker, I think i was caught off-guard) and he glared at me. I saw my son yesterday and he told me that his father mentioned that he saw me in the store and that he had smiled at me and I gave him a dirty look. It will never end with these types. Just embrace the rest of your life, take your education with you and make it your life goal to never get tangled up with another one of them. It isn’t easy, but you have the rest of your life and there are many, many good people in the world. This forum is loaded with people like us who were taken advantage of for simply being decent people. Don’t let the ugly ones change your good natured spirit.
Terry, thank you so much. After 37 years you deserve a medal, but you sound strong. Confirmation alone, that she is certainly disordered is so reassuring as I felt I was assigning labels to assuage my own guilt…..over what I know not…..residual gaslighting. I foolishly abandoned my own kids, because they were ‘bad’, yet her two were bonkers, selfish and dangerous making false allegations and the boy punching himself and blaming me…leading to all hell breaking loose! I think the exposure to 3 of them at once, stripped me of all identity, in many ways it felt like a joint effort by them. She had no friends(another red flag) so I have no contact, although her family have been hugely supportive. The forum and the experiences of others have helped greatly. Thanks again. C
I’m so sorry you are in pain, and I agree this site is amazing to help understand how our kindness and relentless unfailing love, can be met by someone’s lies, illusions and ultimate betrayal. It breaks our hearts. It leaves us reeling. But we were at the mercy of people who cant be compared to normal humans-they are mentally unstable in ways of humanity, empathy and real love.
Dont compare yourself. Dont generalise if you can help it. See it as one very rotten and shiny apple in the barrel.
Thank you Jolene, from the figures by Terry I hear what you are saying, they are the minority and I have to realise there are so many good people in the world, with normal conscience, decency and empathy. The toxic environment I left will surely implode at some stage, too many complex individuals and I realise already that to have continued would have finished me off at some stage. I am starting to recognise my former values, qualities and characteristics…me…without being conceited…and that it was those very traits that allowed me to be ensnared. Strong personal boundaries as I move forward. Best wishes Charlie
I love this. Strong boundaries indeed. And finding ourselves. It’s tough and I don’t know about you, but I have experienced many emotions including anger and wondered why me… Why me indeed. Why you, or any of us. Here’s to education. I’m happier every day and working toward freedom in spite of the lingering complications. Cheers, Charlie.
My story probably sounds all so familiar, however I feel I am labelling my ex-wife as a Psychopath to make it easier on me going back around with self blame.
I’m a 50 year old guy, reasonably affluent and held a high profile role with significant status in our local area, for which I was well regarded and held in high esteem by many. I classed myself as a regular guy with the right moral, ethical values.
9 months after the end of my first marriage to an alcoholic, I meet my SP at a friends BBQ, charming, flirtatious and knowledgible of my circumstances we exchange numbers. Texting follows, however She moves to reside with parents due to an alleged breakdown and it takes 6 months before we go out on a date. Thereafter a whirlwind fairytale type romance and I believe I have found true love after years of misery. Sex initiated after 2 dates when she tells me ‘Lets get this over’, insatiable and mind blowing. Took her and her 14 year old son as my own, and provided a lifestyle unknown to them, holidays, theatre, hotels fine dining, engaging with the son as my own helping with studies, sports, hobbies. 2 years and she proposes to me which coincides with my retirement from a high profile and well paid public position. New large house bought and a wedding to shame many others arranged within 3 months.
Day after wedding, her 28 year old daughter announces she is pregnant and leaving her partner of 7 years and will stay with us. Thereafter, I became the cook, cleaner and laundry man and the house conversion began for the new baby…no consultation or consideration…its happening. Next my son 19 is humiliated by the daughter and wife to the extent he leaves and becomes homeless, whilst my other married daughters are ex-communicated. I become a passenger and am told that we cannot be intimate or show affection in case it upsets the daughter. I return home one day and find the former husband sprawled along the couch….visiting his daughter, no mention or consideration to me. Daughter visits America with baby for a month, buys new car and announces she is returning to full time work and cannot afford her own accommodation.I express my concerns and opine that we are being played by the daughter… Wife announces, circumstances have changed , deal with it. I try to explain that we need some quality time to be married but to no avail. Mother, daughter and baby go on holiday whilst I remain at home to look after the cat, dog and 14 year old!
15 months into marriage I purchase months holiday in America to visit her son and new grand child, a gift for her 50th birthday. On holiday her demeanour changes to something very distant and argumentative, whilst the 14 year old is now shouting ‘Im not his father so I cant tell him what to do’and my wife backs him up.
Fast forward, we return from trip of a lifetime on friday and have an evening of passion like never before. Next day at work I receive a text advising me that its not working out and I should leave. Stunned I return home to be coldly told ‘My daughter needs me more, I cant be your wife. How about 2 houses for a few years, then we could hook up again’.So bewildered and confused was I, that I left to reside with parents thinking the storm will pass. BY the end of the week she has reverted to her maiden name and is viewing alternative properties. My pleas for dialogue are refused, my texts are ignored and calls terminated.
14 year old, background;throwing cats out of windows, 1st sex at 12 years, extremely vane, no interest at school, manipulative, bed wetting at 14, fire raising.
In the aftermath I learn there is a life of chaos, promiscuity, terminations and failed relationships, whilst her first marriage collapsed after her involvement with a prisoner she was treating (Mental Health Nurse…how ironic). She fell pregnant to him and was hospitalised due to multiple beatings. She abandons her first husband and children aged 3 & 5, removed by court order due to her reputation, who remain with their father for the next 13 years, whilst she brings up her new child on her own.
Family and friends (although they are all former, she has no actual friends) in the aftermath start to make the disclosures and highlight some of the behavioural troubles from the past. A history of treatment for depression, suspensions from work for inappropriate relationships with mental health patients, 3 terminations to different fathers but not tell then until after the event. Residing with parents becaause she wished to stab her then 9 year old. A work colleague in the same field, advises me to look up Psychopath…
My wife refuses to contact me in any way, I have no access to 14 year old to whom I was father for 5 years and She has moved her life on as if I never even existed. There have been no explanations to family, other then ‘he blew it’.
Is She a sociopath/psychopath, is the son is the daughter? What a nightmare.
Terry, I learn today that I am a stalker and refused to accept her children, whereby I am a bad man. Sadly because of the short time frame I meet friends, who ask of our married life and I have to explain, it transpires that she has told no-one nor spoken to no-one,I can only assume that this child ego state is driven through guilt and non-acceptance. So many people report that they were discarded by text, is this a lack of courage, an additional twist of the knife or do they know and have issues being called to account?. Reading your story, there are variances but they are almost all the same in their pattern of behaviour. I had an interesting discussion with a Mental Health Nurse today, who tried to convince me that there was no malice on the part of my wife, rather that is just how she is conditioned, she has no emotion and therefore no appreciation of the impact her actions have on others. I tried to explain how I returned to my former home, to find it empty, excepting our Wedding album….no malice…one throttled Nurse C x
Terry, sorry the above post is from Charlie……must be the loss of identity thing C.
Its absolutely mind-boggling how many people actually will side with the sociopath. They are excellent at spinning their tales long before we even know there’s an issue. In fact, there usually isn’t an issue other than the ones they create just to keep themselves occupied and entertained. There is no fighting these types, Charlie. I related to your story too. Support is important for all of us. I too had always considered myself ethical and expected that “most” other people were like that too. It’s an important education we’ve been thrown into. I still believe that “most” people are inherently good, however I am damn careful to pre-screen people before I dive right into disclosing information and nobody is innocent until proven guilty. I just cant live by that rule anymore. It’s sad to be changed by a sociopath, but if its the truth were learning, then I guess it is a blessing in disguise. Sounds like your family is spinning out at the hands of a psychopath much like mine. I am learning to enjoy my own company (I always did, thankfully) and now that I have more energy to spend on my own interests, I’m trying to remember what they are and plug in! I’m happier than Ive been in years, but have to say contact with my kids and family (because the ex still does everything he can to hurt me) is labored to say the least.
Hi Terry, Thanks yet again. Glad to hear you are happier, however so sad about the kids. Again I can relate to that, the ‘isolation’ that they impose, I missed my grand daughters baptism…grrr. How you managed 37 years is beyond me, but your positivity is an inspiration…so i have to man up, recognise her for what she is accept it and move on. Being alone is a new experience and I think guys are just crap at it, but listening to music, walking, tailoring ‘my’ home and returning to support my old sports teams all help in rediscovery….almost a ‘what can I get upto next’ life. Best wishes and keep your strength C x
Hello again Charlie,
I have to admit that I knew he was a sociopath long before I filed for divorce, however we were dependent on him as many victims are. Once I became clear on his condition things began to shift, which is why I am relaying my story to you and on this forum. I believe it’s important that once you understand that someone is a P/S that they are on no uncertain terms on your side. They are against you. It’s a game. So I tested him a few times by flipping the script on him for a change. When I wanted something, I told him I wanted the complete opposite. Like clockwork he would give me the thing I wanted. Sick I know. By the time we battled in court and he dragged it out for a few years, I had almost half of everything we worked for our entire lives. He didn’t want me to have anything, of course. It was very interesting (and creepy) to accept that he hated me and was faking it all along and then watch how predictable he became after I “knew.” I said to him at one point after we had battled in court, etc and I said to him knowingly, “I see you.” It was freeing. And he knows I do see him for who he is. I have my children and grandchildren coming over for a fall party. Communication is still strained because of the ex’s games, but my kids are lovers. They’re successful in spite of him, because he also tried to choke their lives as well. They just don’t understand. I encourage them to read about personality types and educate themselves. Honestly Charlie, the last 10 years or so with my ex I was waiting him out so that he wouldn’t get custody of my youngest son because I had to constantly run interference to protect him when the ex was having a meltdown. I taught my kids to laugh at him. He didn’t like that. When it was safe for me to divorce him, I turned the tables on him and exacted my plan. I had to put on an academy award performance and I doubt I could ever do it again, but I was fighting his promise to “make me a bag lady.” I am sitting in my home of 22 years which I now own. I have my fair share of our pension, etc. He can bite me. Granted he still plays games but he is not much more than a gnat flying around my head that I have to swat away periodically. I want victims of sociopaths to trust their instincts and even though it’s a stretch to “get in the dirt” for a moment with these types, they really don’t expect us to defend ourselves or to be covert in any way so that makes it easier. I told him that I didn’t want the house. (It was upside-down) My daughter and my baby grandson plus my teenage son were living with us when he left. I begged him not to go and told him we would end up in the street. (at that point it was a real possibility, but I wanted to try and keep the house) He laughed at me and left us all, calling the kids losers. I already had my plan for court. What a relief when he walked out that door. My kids have gotten on their feet and are all gainfully employed and happy. I love my house and my life. I have a boyfriend, but no intentions to remarry at this time. Take care and remember, If it walks like a duck and looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its a damn duck. lol. Every sociopath is predictable and they’re ALL the same once you recognize them.
I hope this helps someone.
chilling, moving, inspiring..delighted to hear about the kids and your own personal recovery..a very brave, resilient lady. Heartfelt hugs and best wishes Charlie
As I have previously mentioned my discard was absolute, no communication, no explanation other than lets buy 2 houses and get together again in 3-4 years when step daughter and baby are sorted. People have highlighted the potential for ‘smearing’ which is now happening 14 months after discard. Apparently, I am self centred, was cruel to her son, disliked the daughter and failed to provide a nurturing background for them….bewildered yet not surprised as it must be difficult maintaining a wall of silence when asked by others what happened, without providing some sort of explanation. Needless to say, she was never going to accept any responsibility for her actions, but my reading and learning suggests that this projection is actually all her shortcomings, self centered -boredom, my kids ex-communicated because the step daughter didn’t like them, she took no involvement with her son other than public facing(superficial pretence yet my actions have caused his behavioural problems, notwithstanding these existed before my involvement, doh!). After all this time, and almost constant pity for her I now feel anger for the first time, her distorted view, projection, lack of recognition for any of what I did, notwithstanding she cleared all my furniture and personal possessions out before she moved on (last act of malice) and yet I am ‘disturbed’ apparently and stalking her. The forgoing is despite her acknowledging any of the chaos in her life that I previously highlighted….which she dismissed as minor life issues. As I type, I can actually laugh at her words, my boundaries, moral and ethical standards and self belief return and I can see the ‘bunny boiler’ for what she truly is.
Yes, as an honourable, decent and sadly gullible man, who feel deeply in love with a ‘fantasy’ I am hurt, humiliated and my pride severely dented. However, as a person who 3 months ago really did not see any point in life or how I could manage without her, there comes the point where you experience ‘aha’ moments, which are life re-affirming. To those yet to reach that point, please hang in there, reach out and read, life comes back to us all in time. God bless all.
PS. Question; co-morbidity, does this just make them even more deranged? I know that She has a history of depression and anxiety which she takes huge amounts of medication just to function, plus there is the psychotic episode where she was going to carve up her son.
Yes I think any dual diagnosis can make it worse, as you never know what you are getting, or what you are dealing with. It could be one or the other, medications can sometimes not go well with each other, and each can require different types of therapy. With regard to the smear campaigns, just hold your head high, as long as you know the truth. That is all that is important.
I can see all my personal qualities and values that attracted her (an old fashioned gentleman, solid, reliable and very rational). I couldn’t have given more to the relationship if I had tried, so yes I can hold my head high.But, somehow they get so far under your skin whereby you question yourself…what if’s? If only I had bitten my tongue, shut up and put up and yet I know that this was not a life , it was merely compliance disguised as love and infatuation on my part. What staggers me is how she kept up the facade for over three years and committed herself to marriage, only to drop it all when circumstances changed and there was no material win for her, or did she perceive the punishment metted out to me as a victory in itself. The hatred she exudes, astounds me and highlights the monsters they truly are.
My heartfelt thanks to you and all the members here, the site has been a godsend, invaluable in learning and understanding ASPD. Charlie
Thank you charlie
After our break up, my ex managed to get my brother to become one of his minions. Honestly, my brother was always a user. He never wanted anything to do with anyone unless they had something he wanted. Not a P/S but just a selfish person. It’s weird that my ex was able to turn him into such a follower.. he must offer something to my brother as well. Ex was trying to hurt me by taking away a family member, but maybe he should have chosen one that I actually liked. I love my family, but that doesnt mean that I want to be around people who use others whether they’re sociopaths or just garden variety users. I know they sit around and talk about me and slander me. I’m glad I can provide some entertainment for them even though I don’t know anyone in their circles. I think its supposed to bother me, but I am just so happy to have both of them out of my life. Just chiming in 🙂
Confused again, now someone suggests she may be bi-polar, which I didn’t think was on the ASPD spectrum as they have the normal range of emotions. The suggestion is that depending on her state of mania she reacts adversely. My thoughts are that her behaviour is way beyond that, irrespective of how normal she presents to others. Charlie
Hi Charlie. Bipolar is very different to aspd. Borderline pd might have more in common with aspd? Borderline can compulsively lie and cheat. Borderline pd is also a personality disorder. Bipolar is a mood disorder. Bipolar is the new word for manic depression where someone either has a lot of energy with that comes ego grandiose behaviour being creative risky behaviour spending lots of money. Low part is depression which can be crippling. Depending on the type mania part can either cause a lot of problems or can be uplifting happy feeling. I did read an article the other day about bpd and compulsive lying it is very similar to aspd lying. All sociopaths lie people with BPD lie .. I don’t think there is any evidence that people with bipolar lie. That’s a mood disorder.
Thanks again, Positivagirl that helps a lot. My sister is bi-polar and the behaviours you highlight is her, however she is a caring, compassionate, loving person with so much emotion and time for others, without a bad bone in her body. She constantly wrestles with her own demons from euphoria and spending to the depths of despair.
The suggestion that my former wife was bi-polar, tipped me a bit in terms of questioning myself again, however from your commentary and all the evidence in my original entry her behaviours clearly cross cut various strands of ASPD and she ticks just about every box in Clerkleys list.
Was never about me, but it is scary how easily you can be tipped and get back on the hamster wheel.