If you have been involved with the sociopath, you will have, after a while, become used to their ‘patterns’ of behaviour.
A sociopath loves to deceive to achieve whatever their agenda is. Money, housing, sex, or sometimes just from the dupers delight that they get from conning and deceiving someone. This means that sometimes the sociopath becomes so caught up in their lie, that the distinction between truth and fiction becomes very blurred.
When the sociopath is about to be caught in the lie you will witness the following pattern.
1. Will start a row
2. Will be acusationary towards you about some action that you haven’t done
3. Will shift the blame, and focus attention on you, and what you are doing
4. Will be very dramatic
5. Eyes will be wide and staring making you feel ‘on edge’
6. Will make a small confession that is along the lines of truth, to try to fool you, and make you believe that he is being honest with you now (in case you find out about the lie) – for example ‘I am sorry that I didn’t go to work yesterday, I wanted to tell you, as I didn’t want to lie to you’. Will make a false apology – (I am sorry that will not happen again) if he is cheating, he will tell you that she bombarded him. Whilst behind your back, he is telling the other woman that you are the evil one making him unhappy. A confession and an apology, in the initial stages, is a tact by the sociopath which doesn’t show how much they love you, but instead, allows him further time to use you some more.
7.He would make the apologies and promise not to do it again, but the actions will not appear to be a person who is ‘sorry’. In fact, the sociopath will now be relentless in pursuing you, for something that you have not done, threading an element of truth in with a false accusation, so that your energy is now spent defending yourself.
8. The sociopath will now bombard you with information. You might want to escape, feel uncomfortable, but the sociopath does not care, and will continue to invade your personal space, moving close to you, not giving you breathing space. It will feel like you are being ‘emotionally suffocated’ that is because you are!
8. The sociopath will then go one further, and try to elicit pity, and will play victim, and will tell you a story designed to make you feel sorry for him. For you to sympathise with him, and that he is the poor hard done by one.
9. By now you are angry that you have been lied to again, so you react with anger to the lie
10. To detract from this, the sociopath will then attack you for not caring about them, or their problem that they are playing victim about. Of course you do not want to hear their story. It is likely that the story that they are feeding you, is made up and false, they are simply saying this to you, to distract you from the real truth and what they have been dishonestly doing.
11. A sociopath usually knows when he is about to be caught out.
12. If you continue to push for truth in the lies, he will then accuse you of being horrible, thoughtless, uncaring (because you don’t care about his poor victim problem). He will choose a sensitive subject – so you will, when his words are repeated back to you (something like his child is sick, or grandmother is dying) , feel bad, and doubt your own mind.
Get out of the relationship!
This is just one example of ‘crazy making’ behaviour by the sociopath. You will experience this over and over again. What you see, during this time is the man behind the mask. The angry controlling man. You might be stunned when you first witness it. Mr perfect is now vanishing before your very eyes. You want back the kind caring man that you are in love with – and this is the hook which gives the sociopath the opportunity to do this to you again and again.
Not wanting to believe it, and being so hurt, you might feel relieved when he says ‘sorry’ he will tell you that nobody loves you like he does, or that nobody has a connection with you like he does. This might actually be true, because nobody else is faking a connection of love, like he is.
If what you are reading sounds familiar, and you are about to return, stop…, this is a trick. The sociopath loves to play games. He plays games both with your mind, and your life. He has no respect for you or your life, and will take and take and continue to drain you. I recall feeling like I had a financial tap, and he kept taking and giving nothing in return. The sociopath will continue to do this to you, for as long as you allow it to happen.
If you feel like you are going crazy after a relationship with a sociopath, if you feel empty, drained and numb, this is because the sociopath has emptied you, has lived off of you. At the point where you realise the truth, and start to leave, the sociopath will then change tact, and tell you:
- Everyone else in your past has done this to you
- Will make threats to expose you (for anything) he doesn’t care about your welfare
- Will often bombard you, not allowing you time to think and trying to wear you down
- Will shift the blame onto you
You need to see that what is happening is not you. Wake up and see the truth. You are not the crazy one. Whilst you are being systematically driven crazy by the sociopath, the sociopath will switch from sociopathic meltdown – to normality and telling you how crazy you are, and trying to convince you – how much:
They love you more than anyone has ever loved you, the greatest connection you have ever felt!
Get out of the relationship, and stay out of the relationship. Read my articles on NO contact – and how to recover from dating a sociopath. You can get back control of your own life. Your life, your emotions, your mind, and your world would have been hijacked by the sociopath. You need to take back control of you, and of your own life. The relationship that you were being sold was nothing but an illusion.
Words copyright datingasociopath.com
36 thoughts on “Gaslighting and crazy making behaviour”
The thought of dating again is scary enough, then I read this.
AGREED!!! I just dated a gaslighter who I strongly believe is a sociopath for 2 months and I am sitting here so scared right now!! First time in my life that it was me who ended something first – I can never leave first, even when I’m completely miserable and want to – but that’s how scared and crazy he made me feel!! I felt like I was losing my mind!!
I just left my crazy guy six days ago. He is such a liar, manipulator, sociopath…he can be so charming, caring and wonderful and then turn into a monster when I catch him in a lie or he’s mad at something. He’s scared my kids and I to death. He’s literally something out of a movie the way he flips his switch. He always told me I was crazy and needed Psyc help….which made me have anxiety attacks. Augh!
Sounds common jessica to blame you and make you feel that you are the crazy one.
yes !! me too..ive just discovered my 1.5 years of trying to make the relationship work..was a waste of time.
I knew he wasnt ‘normal” but I did think he cared
…now Im petrified.
I am sitting here crying. My ex husband is exactly like this. I processed the decree absolute in Oct 2012. That’s when he started to increase his abuse of me. I had no idea he was seeing another wan and had been for some time when his new mind game started. He told me I shouldn’t have processed the absolute because it was a way back for us. A way for us to get back together. That he missed being a full time dad to our young son. That he missed us. A couple of months later I found out about his partner. He said to me that things between him and her were not what I thought they were. I said I thought they were in a relationship and had been for some time. He repeated his statement that, “It’s not what you think.” He’d already sown the seed. Why I even considered the possibility of us getting back together after the horrendous physical and mental abuse (every form of it that you can think of) that he’d subjected me and my four children to (three from my previous relationship – also violently abusive etc), is beyond me. But he managed to convince me that he was interested but he needed to sort his head out and find out what he wanted. This was to give me the impression that things between him and this other woman were pretty casual – if that, at best. All designed to make me fight for him and I still cannot figure out how he did this!! He then went a stage further. Documents that were in his possession pertaining to the divorce, the non molestation order and documents from social services intervention after he assaultedy youngest daughter, giving her a black eye, mysteriously turned up at his partners place. I get a phone call, to hear her sobbing in the background, so the call was made in her presence, asking me if I’d sent her anything. I asked what was he talking about? I didn’t even know where she lived! His could I and why would I send her anything? I asked him then what it was that was sent and he said that, everything that I’ve listed above, had arrived through the post! I asked him which social services documents had she got and he said the ones with my kids names on. I demanded he bring them to me immediately. I knew exactly which ones he meant. They were very sensitive documents that were used to put the non molestation order in place and contained information about my children and how he had systematically humiliated them. She had no right to have those. But instead of doing what I asked, he was carrying on down this line of why did I send them? I knew I hadn’t. The only copies I knew of in existence lay with our respective solicitors and with the social services. To cut a very long story short, he basically wanted to make me out to be the unhinged and mentally deranged ex wife. No doubt to back up the lies that he’d obviously told her about me. I think she wanted to meet me as, unbeknown to me, she had been spending a lot of time with our young son, as well as him, and I think something had raised her suspicions and she wanted to meet me and talk to me. I think she put this to my ex and he came up with the plan to make me look bad.
With the documents thing, he tripped himself up. One of the documents she got was the application for the non molestation order that was served on him!! In his haste to discredit me, he failed to take that out of the bundle I now know he sent her! He had that in his possession. As he never came back to the house after it was served on him and I started divorce proceedings, I could never had put my hands on it. But even during other conversations after, over the phone and always with her there, he would repeatedly accuse me of sending them.
But it is still not over for me. It’s ok saying you have to break ties and take control back over your own life, but a narcissistic sociopath etc like my ex husband, will never let you go. Now, like everyone else he sees as a tool to use to achieve his goal, he is now convinced he will get full custody of our son. He has accused me in a court room with his solicitor, of being mentally and emotionally unstable, because I fled to a refuge to get away from him. I was there without legal representation. He denied all knowledge of any abuse and the judge believed him!! A Prohibited Steps Order was put in place and I was told I had to return to our former matrimonial home and return our son to his school the following day ( even though he was legally on role at another school near the refuge). I obviously couldn’t do this because I had legitimately fled to a refuge, even though the judge believed I had not, and that to take my son out of a school without any notice like I gave his former school, would mean my breaking Education Law and I would be prosecuted! Obviously I could not comply with the order, and I sought advice from the headteacher of his school. Three days later I was back in the court room. I explained the glaringly obvious legal dilemma the judge had given me to no avail. My ex husband was already sat there with the papers needed to have me committed to prison for breaking the order. The judge have me a choice. Go back to my former home or go to prison. How the hell had my life descended in to this madness?? Go back to the home my ex husband solely owned or go to prison. I was sitting there wondering what the difference was! If I went back he’d have control over my life again. If I didn’t, I would lose my son for good. I had no choice. I chose my son over my own freedom. But my fight still isn’t over. The house has now sold and I’m entitled to the equity less the mortgage, and I also get the full maturity value of the endowment policy on the mortgage. He is determined to add to the £30,608.00 he had already swindled me out of because I stupidly believed his lies.
My life is a train wreck. There are no words to describe how I feel inside. He raped me on our wedding night to consummate our marriage and to hopefully conceive our son. Thank God that didn’t happen. For my lovely son to be a product of my wedding night rape?
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of that alone! God only knows how much damage had been done to my mind and my being. I feel totally broken. I would never wish death on anyone, but some days, when things are really bad for me, I pray that he’ll have a misfortunate encounter with an 18 wheel juggernaut. Because I will only ever be truly free when he is dead.
Thank you for reminding me why I am no longer married – it’s been 12 years and yet I battle that prick every day …. I wish you peace and mental freedom
Hi Julie, my story is different to yours, and yet so similar on so many levels. My heart breaks for you – as, once I realized what happened to me, it broke for my own poor soul. After an experience with a sociopath and Master Gaslighter I have spent years in recovery…. Figuring out what happened. I have had such trouble separating ‘my stuff’ (my own background and upbringing that led to issues that let this happen to me) from ‘his stuff’ – it is so insidious you have no idea what is going on. I see you wrote this a while ago, I hope you have since found some peace. It’s a long dark tunnel.. But there is light at the end.
This article is poorly written and really just seems like it’s talking as if only guys do this. I’ve been gaslighted and it’s extremely deceiptful, well planned and not easy to identify. These people are master manipulators and very cunning and evil. While the Gaslightee is being a normal, cooperative, trusting and sincere person, the Gaslightor is always plotting and nothing is as it seems. The Gaslightee ends up confused (asking, “why can’t I make this person happy?” or “what am I doing wrong?”), anxious and depressed. The Gaslightor continues with the behavior because it works and they get away with it. Over time they will have less and less respect for their partner. Why? Because a liar does not respect people they can lie to. Once there is little left to take from that person, they are ready to move on. They suck the life out of people like vampires!
Perhaps you should write a blog or a book yourself, if you are such a gifted writer? 🙂
Male here. I read the article and just mentally replaced the word “his” for “her”. The author just coincidentally chose one gender, thats all.
Amen! This does happen to us good hearted men as well.
Indeed Damon, often women are labelled borderline or histrionic. Although some are labelled sociopath/psychopath. But the diagnosis is more common for men.
I’m a male and it’s been happening to me. I knew I was being gaslighted but could never quite understand the complete lack of compassion and remorse. This site/blog finally tied everything together. I’m not trained to make a diagnosis but her behavior matches the description of a sociopath – and I mean I felt as though someone was describing her.
I agree with you. I just left my crazy guy six days ago. He is such a liar, manipulator, sociopath…he can be so charming, caring and wonderful and then turn into a monster when I catch him in a lie or he’s mad at something. He has scared my kids and I to death. He’s literally something out of a scary movie. He always told me I was crazy and needed Psyc help….which made me really feel crazy. I always wanted to know what was wrong with me and questioned myself…
JM. I know. My ex did exactly that to me. I was Gaslighted. It got so bad that, a month before I fled, I underwent two tests for early onset altzheimers disease – so convinced was I that I truly was losing my mind. I stopped trusting my own judgement, became incapable of making decisions – I still can’t do it if it’s someone else asking me if it’s ok if I…. Are you ok to take me… Can we go… I cave under the slightest pressure to avoid any confrontation which has had the undesirable effect of my 19 year old son picking up where my ex left of and him claiming that certain things are not as I remember them. Such as when he’d eaten two packs of bacon from the fridge and more than half a loaf of bread, I was mistaken according to him as there was only the one pack in the fridge and it was open. I knew the truth but he went on about it so long insisting I was wrong, I began to doubt if I was right. I am so vulnerable to this happening again. To know my own son is capable of doing this to his own mother makes me want to be violently ill. I tried to protect him from what my ex was doing, but seeing his mother become a wreck because her car keys are not where she left them and turning the house upside down looking for them, only to finally come across them ages later in a place I’d looked repeatedly, all the time my ex remaining totally indifferent to my suffering and not offering to help me locate the keys, instead telling me that I was so careless and was always losing my things. He even removed our son’s birth certificate from my home and when I couldn’t find it, he went ballistic at me and told me I had better not have lost it. Gaslighting is an insidious form of abuse that has no place in the civilised world. But then the people who do this aren’t civilised, are they? They are as unfeeling as the dead.
I can remember both of these things being done , down to her using the same exact phrases, words, facial expressions and even the timing of the responses were exactly the same each time I questioned something. It was like being stuck in a movie clip set on repeat. Almost unbelievable . I remember actually leaning back and saying… do you realize you are saying the exact same thing over and over and over.. With no change at all… yet we’re discussing a diff topic? The topic was always a lie I brought up. Obviously the answer and the truth was never part of the process..
The pattern always repeats that much is true.
In my case it repeated over and over and then was blamed on me. It was my fault we had this problem. I was so confused after these things would occur. I was breaking my neck to fix things when there was nothing wrong with me to fix. It was him and just a game.
Can totally agree! Greetings from Germany
Been with the guy for 4years he’s called cops on me twice first time was for me destroying my house plants told the cops I hit the neighbor with clay pot was looking at 23years in prison I’m 52 never had a felony then last June he left for 4days went to a snakes house he days she talked him into getting restraining order next time I saw him was day after the cops through me out of the house like I was trash he came to my motel next day and day after telling me he was sry and loved me The day after I tried calling him then the next day after that I went back to where I lived with him he wouldn’t open the door I knew he was in bed with some one had porno on cops came I went to jail I stopped talking to him we didn’t talk for 2months he’s been back in my life for 6months i was found guilty on the restraining order did 8days in jail the week before supper bowl weekend I stayed that week with him he dropped me off at jail said he loved me hugged me kissed me then Monday picked me up from jail and just looked through as though he hated me Tuesday I went to his place to get my cat and I caught him with another women one that I had ran off 3times before he said she was just sleeping on the couch she’s married and a battered women his next prey I hate him wished he was dead not only that but I find myself hating God and everyone around me I feel so ashamed of myself he took the good from me I curse God something I’ve never done I’ve drank for the last 14days I’m devastated I wish he was dead
My son..decided to work on a project with him. Cost me lots of money, my peace, my confidence in my ability to communicate effectively because nothig I said seemed to actually get through to him. Follow-up responses by him seemed as if he was probably in a coma regarding things he said or I said. But damn he’s my son so i keep on trying. I have lost all trust in him and do not see that could could ever have a relationship other that something completely superficial. Certain do not ever try to connect with him on an emotional level or even on any kind of project that would involve comunication, follow through or depending on him or I will go crazy.
I am sorry that this is happening to you with your son boots, that must really hurt 😦 the pull between parental love, and responsibility, and being abused 😦 sadly only thing you can do with them, is treat it like a business transaction. Cut of the emotional supply 😦
Ive been a gaslighted victim for years. My husband and his son are my tormentors. My husband always puts me down. He’s constantly angry with me and yelling at me. Hes never physically violent, just mentally and emotionally abusive. Cheating every chance he can. Then his son whose lived with us since 4 reached 15 and he turned evil and now hes in his mid 20s and all throughout the years he has been gaslighting me relentlessly.Heres just a small example.of some.of things he has done to me., Hides just 1 of my work shoes constantly which in turn caused me to be late to work. Tears all my blouses but exactly in the same spot . Hides my toothbrush then returns it to its original place but only after i buy a new one.. Hiding different various objects of mine like a pot or its lid, extra soap, food, jewelry, sewing kit etc etc. When i finally give up searching for items they suddenly reappear exactly where they were originally kept. He also Broke all the chains on my necklaces . Hes gone thr ough every box.in my garage that i have all the holiday items in and he mixes them all up by adding items that dont belong in there. He has done this with every box in my garage! So now i can never find things and Im feeling so confused, completely cluttered. disorganized, flustered, overwhelmed and just very depressed.And the scariest part of all is while he did these gaslighting things when he lived with us at home he continued to do gaslighting crap to me by breaking in while im not home and messing with everyething! I THOUGHT I WAS A LOON TOON, Hadnt even thought remotely close that he was doing this till he finally got bored and started leaving me clues that he was in the house while i wasnt ! I had locks changed but to no avail. I was unaware and thought i was close to the loony ben. I cant seem to catch him but hes been doing it for years and my husband adds in by telling me im imagining it or im just so forgetful. Never supports me only his kid. And noone really believes me when i tell them whats really going on. They think im lying or exagerating.!
Now for some reason i can absolutly not make it ANYWHERE on time. I have lost friends from my constant tardiness. Im thinking this “Cant ever make it to anywhere.on time” is some sort of PDSD caused by years amd.years of gaslighting and other mental abuse. Has anyone ever heard of not being able to be somewhere on time issue??? . Cant seem to keep.him outta my house and no even though my husband is a sociopath im quite certain their not in cahoots together. Dealing with these two sociopaths for over 20 yrs ive learned a lot. Their patterns of gaslighting techniques are very different. I have two young daughters, normal thank god, no money, husband has always had his own account that im not even allowed to look at much less share with him. I have no job, sabbotoged every time i look, no family and pretty much no friends anymore. Im terrified they would take my kids so i just feel im sacrafising my life for theirs. I live in utter hell all alone. Every day is bad but somedays are worse then others. I have learned to dodge a lot of their bullets and have somehow been able and continue to raise some awesome kids. Nothing i can do, just wanted to share my story with others going through similar situations.
Hi Lisa, thank you for your comment. You know this is the worst type of emotional abuse, as it affects your mind. It affects your perception of reality (and then of course YOU are the crazy one). I know that this will be difficult to leave behind, after such a long time with him. But really, realistically, could it be any worse than it is right now? You have landed into a horror film, where you are playing the starring role. A place, where the people you should trust the most, your partner, and your step son, are abusing you. You are more than this. this is not your fault, this is no reflection on you. I understand your ‘hell’. I have been there too. I understand your fear, after living in fear for so very long. What other support do you have? And do you have anyone else in your life that will believe you? I believe you.
Hello everyone, I understand the majority of you are older and I could use the advice. I am a 17 year old male and have been gaslighted/ narcissistically abused for the past 3 years on and off, I knew my ex had emotional trauma growing up as she was abused by both parents and this obviously has pshycologically damaged her, but way worse than I originally thought as she shows all the signs of a sociopath, compulsive lying, everything was my fault, constantly blaming me, being very overly flirtatious and then denying it, using sexual ways in her power to try to manipulate me, and shows all 3 signs of gas lighting we broke up the first time after 6 months but as planned I was struggling very hard to re find my sense of reality and who I was, I became very anxious and confused and then seeked her because she took that away, the same thing happened on and off and then at the beginning of this year we dated again and have just recently broken up 2 weeks ago, after 6 months again because the cycle was exactly the same this was when I knew things were seriously wrong and started to search abuse and came across this article and many similar which have helped me so much in realising I’m not crazy, I should be feeling like this without her and also that things will get better. My question was so you think I should seek counciling? I know it has effected me in a serious way as it was my first love/serious relationship but I’m unsure whether too. Any help would be hugely appreciated.
All sounds and seems familiar. I share being married to a sociopath who happened to also be looking for a green card. It’s very interesting to piece together the travesty that wasted my time.
What if you’re not dating and you’ve already made the commitment to marriage 5 years ago and you’re just now smart enough to realize what’s going on? My whole future is invested in the relationship and I obviously love him very much. Is there anything I can do?
No, he can’t change. You need to know that.
This is my ex-girlfriend to a T (though, had I to guess, she was more NPD or BPD than sociopathic). Being on time or hold up a commitment? Not a chance. Blow up at me with non-existent accusations? Check. Repeated “I’m sorry’s” to end the conversation with zero change in behavior? All day. Get livid if I talk to female friends I’ve known for 15+ years that there was never a romantic encounter with but flirt with/be flirted by people she had met at work (bartender/server, who “needs to flirt to make tips”) on social media (Not sure how “needing to flirt at work” transitions to “flirt anywhere” but I was “wrong” in questioning her, obviously. I mean, I tip according to service, regardless of gender, but that’s just me). Purposely did things to make me act like her so I could be the villain in her narrative (just as all of her ex’s were the bad guy). There was only so much future faking , crazy making behavior, and whittling me down before I ended it. I wasn’t going to be broken down into a self conscious wreck after I built myself up prior to the relationship. Free and clear whilst she rebounds with a new victim. God bless him!
Pleased to hear you escaped relatively unscathed Steve 🙂
Ha! Thanks! It all goes back to the adage that “hurt people hurt people.” No matter how supportive and understanding I was, there was a massive fight every 7-10 days (fightless record: 15days. We were “together” for 8mon). When things were good, calm, and settled? I was being “boring.” When I ended it (and, okay, it wasn’t a pretty night being at the end of my rope and mentally exhausted), almost immediately, a great pressure was lifted. Two months NC and feeling great!
Wow Steve! I have never heard that phrase “hurt people hurt people” struck me like a knife to the heart.
I have just removed myself from a 4 year relationship with a socio/psychopath. In all the gas lighting and arguments that ran for hours at a time, he continued to tell me I was the crazy one … so I went into counseling and learned that I really was, BPD! I am 53, raised 2 sons, married for 27 years! Ended in an ugly divorce, where I blamed him for all our failures, but in fact, thanks to my Spath, I see ME for the first time in my life!
I cannot condone the cheating, head wrecking, lies and manipulations, but in a strange way, I can find strength in the lessons he brought to light In my world.
He was my 2nd Spath, as a person with BPD, I can see now the patterns are so similar between us it’s uncanny! But the difference that separates is the knowing manipulation, which is NOT something I ever did purposely, as the Spaths do with their gas lighting. Although BPDs get blamed for the same, we are just trying to manage the explosive emotions that are a raw wound that never heals.
I am living alone now for the first time in my life, have nearly completed DBT therapy and can confirm, it is possible for a very hurt person with some very serious issues to find a way NOT to hurt other people, not so with a hurt person who knowingly hurts others to control or destroy them.
Anyway, I am rambling now, but wanted to thank you for your comment, as it really helped me to see my Spath relationships in a different light 🤗
For me, the breaking point (when i sensed he is not normal and doesn’t have good intentions) was when after all of his games that he has done, I finally moved on in my head, and he sensed it (didn’t see me before that) and came up to me and with a puppy face said: “You used me. You led me on, this was just a game for you.” I WAS SHOCKED LIKE NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE! Here I am, being sincere all this time, waiting for this guy to stop acting like a douche, and he is actually accusing ME of the stuff that he is guilty of. ??????
Unbelievable. I’m convinced that demonic spirits are in these types of people, because the only one that is truly vicious is satan himself, so those that belong to him (when you live in sin you become his) , act the same way. God’s love is never manipulative and can never cause you harm in any way. CHECK the spirits, not the words. This is spiritual world, not just material.
Hi friend I see much truth in what you have written but sure would like you to see yourself as a survivor or overcomer rather than a VICTIM. or maybe winner, victor, or Celebrator! Thanks for sharing I was encourage by all you said. There is freedom from your past and you can become a new creation (now you could use that title New Creation). Good for you for idntifying the demonic activity. It is absolute truth!.Thanking God for his work in your life please continue to use your voice to encourage others!
I broke up with my fiance last night and this was EXACTLY how the conversation was. A girl he slept with sent me a message saying what he had done. I had suspected him of cheating for a while (because he would have dinner with his “friends” alone and then lie to cover it up) but whenever I tried to broach it with him he would always say I was crazy and jealous and OF COURSE he SWEARS he would never cheat on me and bombard me with affection. He would say that he would never see any of his friends or leave his house if it would make me not jealous any more, even though I made it VERY clear that it was not “hanging out” with other girls that was the problem, but the lying about it and covering it up. We would always make up after these fights and I thought for MONTHS that I was just being paranoid and I felt like I was being crazy and jealous and even though he was hiding things he would never do that to me.
Then I got the text. It had a date and a hotel. I made him bring up his credit card statements (he’s foreign so they were in another language, but I can read enough of it). He brought up the old argument that I was crazy and that I was the one hurting him by always hassling him about this stuff. He got really dramatic and serious and said that this was my fault and that this never would have happened if I didn’t have to move away last year. If we weren’t in a long distance relationship, then this wouldn’t be a problem. My problem.
After some more fighting, he told me that he HAD been hiding something from me. He had lost his 50k from his grandma on the stock market (typical), and he had to take out a 15k loan. He told me that he loved me, but I had to believe him as he didn’t even have the money to cheat on me (when we lived together I paid 100% of everything). He was really upset and ashamed about this but he was really glad that he finally told me the truth.
I told him about the text and he instantly guessed who it was. Long complicated story (took literally an hour and half to explain) filled with unnecessary details about how he knew that girl, she was crazy and lied about her past, and she made a move on him but he rejected her because he was getting married and she swore that she would break up the relationship. She harassed him for weeks and isolated him from the rest of the class at the school and was constantly making his life miserable. I knew it was all lies, but talking to the girl I was genuinely thinking ‘what if he is right and she is crazy?’
Then i found on the statement that he bought something from the store at the hotel on the night in question. I got really angry with him and he was yelling at me that she was crazy and he was being victimized and could I see that she was doing this to break us up? He then attacked me for not listening to him or never believing him, that he was too poor to go to a hotel, that he didn’t understand why I was saying he was there when he told me he wasn’t (he was saying he just went to a store that had coincidentally the exact name of the hotel specified).
anyway, i broke up with him and he sent me a long message later saying how I was right but he didn’t cheat on me – nothing happened (he had to take her to the hotel because she was drunk and threw up on the street and they only kissed etc etc more obvious lies) and sent me a really lengthy video of him saying it was only one time etc and rubbing his eyes IN THE VIDEO to make them look red like he was crying. now I’m looking up what I’ve suspected for a while. Reading this website is like watching a video of our relationship and I just feel so stupid and conned. He isolated me from all my friends and family (who didn’t approve of the relationship) and tried to make me give up my degree/future career to move across the world to be with him (which was going to happen in three weeks lol) and made me really hate myself and doubt my sanity. I’m so glad to read this website and see that I’m not alone and I’m not completely stupid and that it will get better. Thanks for writing this stuff and helping other people. You are genuinely making this process 400x easier, and stopping me from contacting him again (which I want to do because obviously right now I feel like he’s the only person who will ever love me again).