It can be hard to sink in that Mr or Mrs Perfect that you have been dating is actually a sociopath. You might search the internet looking for answers. You come up with a list of traits from the DSM about sociopaths, and you question is he/she really a sociopath? You read the list, and still you are not sure, after all he/she was just so ‘nice’. Yes you have started to discover things, but you are still not sure, you are confused.
The following is top 18 traits that are red flags. Traits that show that the person you are dating could potentially be a sociopath.
1. Charismatic and charming
For the sociopath, image is everything. At least the image that he/she gives to the outside world. When you first meet, you will be bowled over at just how charismatic and charming he/she is. He will constantly flatter you. Sometimes this will seem false to you, He/she might tell you how incredible that you look. You know that this isn’t true. You just got out of bed, sat in your dressing gown, no makeup, and yes, you did actually see yourself in the mirror. Despite this he will insist that you are the most amazing person that he has ever seen in his life. Your mind tells you that this is probably not true, but we push this to the back of our minds. At the centre of who we are as human beings, we tend to like people who like us. It is flattering and it feels good. You will notice that the sociopath will not just charm you, but will also be charming to everyone that he comes into contact with, including and especially everyone that is close to you.
His words are smooth and fast, and he is never stuck for something to say. He can be amazing company, and can light up your life with energy, charisma, and promises of a rich and bright future ahead. He focuses all of his attention on you, and makes you feel like you are the most amazing person that he has ever met in his life.
2. Superficial and glib
A sociopath will say just about anything to anyone to get what he wants. He is smooth, and words rolls words out of his mouth, without even thinking. There is something about the tall stories that he tells, which just do not ring true. Surely NOBODY could have been through that much, you tell yourself. The things that he tells you and everyone else around you seem to be said for the façade for show.
You might witness him/her being one person with a certain person, and somebody completely different with somebody else. He will say one thing one day, and if you change your mind next day, he can change his mind to accommodate you. If it seems too good to be true, and things are not ringing true, that is your inner voice warning you. Ignore at your peril.
3. Lack of connection to their past
It is often too late and you are emotionally involved, by the time that you realise you haven’t met anybody from his past. He/she often moved to your city/town for work reasons, or some other excuse. Or maybe you met online. At first it doesn’t occur to you that you have never met anybody of significant importance to him. There are no lifelong friends, no family members who come to visit. After a while you will ask, but he will make excuses.
Most people do not meet others close in the very initial stages of a relationship; it’s usually an intimate time. Because of this, at first, you do not notice this lack of connections from his past. It is as the relationship progresses, and after you have introduced him to everyone that is close to you, you start to wonder, when you will meet people that he is close to?
Somebody who is as perfect as he/she seems, who is as charismatic as they are, who meets people so easily, would have other people from their past in their life. And if you are the love of their life, as they so frequently tell you, then they would be keen to show you off to people close to him/her.
4. Huge ego
All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Because of this, all sociopaths have a huge ego. When you meet, they will tell you a huge list of things that make them sound absolutely remarkable. They will talk of big business plans, success that they have had in the past. How in demand they are in with the opposite sex (but how they have chosen you, because you are special. They will talk of incredible success with careers. And most definitely brag of how amazingly skilled they are in bed.
They will sell themselves to you, like a top notch car salesman selling his cars on the parking lot. He will not care that everything told to you is a lie. He creates a wonderful fantasy of himself. Designed to ensnare and impress you. He will make you feel how lucky you are to have met someone as amazing as his smooth dazzling self.
5. They play victim
Of course, if all the only part of his persona that you saw was his ego, it would be quite off putting. After all, nobody likes a show off. It is therefore important to the sociopath to play victim. He will tell tales of how awful his childhood was. How he was treated badly by his exes. What a wonderful caring person he is. He will make up incredible stories, designed to evoke pity and sympathy. If he is almost caught in a lie, he will try to deflect attention from this, and try to make you feel sorry for him. You will find that often when almost caught he will suddenly be very ill and almost need hospital attention. He tells tales of terrible life threatening illnesses of those close to him (who you have never met, and most likely never would).
His ability to switch to victim mode will make you feel sorry for him. Will take attention away from the truth that you are so close to discovering. It will make him seem weak and vulnerable. It will encourage you to open up to disclose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It will build a false sense of trust and a fake bond, which is felt when two people share their vulnerabilities.
6. They want to spend ALL of their time with you – showers you with attention and flattery
At first it can feel flattering. The sociopath, once they have selected you as an appropriate target, makes you the centre of attention and the focus of their world. They bombard you with telephone conversations, texts, and he wants to see you every minute of every day.
At first this is flattering. But after a while you long to see old family and friends. You wish that he/she had his own family and friends to spend time with. But as his are not around, you introduce him to your own inner circle. You become as inseparable as twins separated at birth. This not only moves the relationship forward incredibly fast, before you are ready, but creates a false sense of intimacy, which is mirrored from relationships of couples that are falling truly and deeply in love.
7. Sexual charisma and magnetism
All sociopaths have a great deal of testosterone. They will stare you straight in the eyes, a look which can feel sometimes uncomfortable. As sociopaths do not particularly care what others think of them and have big egos you will feel a great sexual chemistry. Before you sleep with them, they will brag to you how amazing that they are in bed. Mostly, this is the one time that they are telling the truth.
A sociopath usually has good staying power in bed. And can last far longer than most non sociopaths. They have energy to burn and love to show off their sexual prowess in bed. This chemistry between you can leave your heart racing, and you begging for more. When it comes to sex, a sociopath rarely says no. You will feel sexually very connected and compatible. Again misleading you into thinking what a great match you both are together. Sociopaths are often very sexy due to high levels of testosterone.
9. They are compulsive pathological liars, and when confronted will do anything to protect the lie
Most people feel uncomfortable telling a lie, and usually need to confess the lie and have a need to be honest. A sociopath is opposite to this. A sociopath actually feels uncomfortable telling the truth.
The lie is his weapon. It is his protection from the outside world. Sociopaths lie about everything and everything. They will make up huge stories, lies that they would obviously get caught out about later on, they will continue to tell, and when you are close to revealing the lie, they will lie further to protect the lie. Protecting the lie is more important than your feelings.
When caught in a lie a sociopath will always
- · Change the subject
- · Blame someone else
- · If pushed will become angry, and point out your shortcomings, but rarely will he ever admit to the lie.
The only exception to this is when his lies are so close to becoming uncovered, he knows that he risks losing you, and he has not yet finished with you for source for supply. In this case, he can confess lots of lies. And apologise for lying to you. He would do this only in a drastic situation, and would do this to rebuild trust, so that he could continue to manipulate you and use you some more.
10. Lives like a parasite
Sociopaths cannot really see the point of working hard for long hours and little pay. There are far easier ways for them to obtain things for free. Often a sociopath will see YOU as his/her career option. At first you will not mind. After all, the relationship has moved with speed, and you are now sharing your life together. He will give glib promises, of how he will repay you, how special you are. You are made to feel like he is doing you a huge favour.
Sociopaths love getting anything for free. They see this as ‘winning’ and it makes them feel good. It makes them feel good for two reasons.
- It shows how stupid other people are (and therefore how clever they are)
- It enables them to have the very best in life, with very little stress, effort, responsibility or commitment.
All sociopaths do this, even those who work. Even high functioning sociopaths like certain politicians, who put in false claims for expenses and live off a great life at the tax payers’ expense.
11. Comes on strong and moves fast
If you meet someone and they are keen to move the relationship forward fast, be aware. Somebody who has faith and confidence in who they are will want to spend time getting to know you, learning about you. Finding out all they can, to ensure that you are a good match for them. After all, not everyone is compatible.
If you meet someone and they stay at yours from the beginning and by 6 weeks they move their things in, and propose marriage be wary. Take a step back. A sociopath always moves fast, and comes on strong. They do this to stop you from changing your mind, from seeking opinions from other people (which might be negative towards him), and by increasing the maximum amount that he can scam you for. He is keen, yes, but not on you, on what he can get from you. And the sooner he can begin this process, the better. He never knows how long he will be around for.
12. Seems to have so much in common with you, appears a ‘soulmate’ connection
A sociopath, not really experiencing real true emotions of his own, is capable of mimicking the emotions wants and needs of others. He will mirror you to be your perfect partner.
You will be surprised, at just how much you have in common. You seem to have so many common interests, and also common goals in life. You appear to have a deep connection, which almost feels spiritual. You can feel that you have known each other for years, or even many lifetimes.
If you are dating someone and you appear to have so much in common, that you feel like you almost like one person in two bodies, be aware. It could be a genuine connection, but it also has the risk, that you have met a sociopath who has already assessed you, and is now mirroring back to you, everything you are, everything that you need, and everything that you want him to be.
13. Socially isolates you
One of the reasons that a sociopath will come on strong, and bombard you with affection, is because he wants you to not have the time to see other people. If he does this he has you all to himself. He will feel jealous of other people in your life. He will do anything to put you off of spending time with those that he feels is a threat to his existence.
Within a short space of time, you can find that you are no longer spending time with people who were once close to you. By socially isolating you, it makes you more difficult to leave. You become reliant and dependent on him. Thinking that this is all that you have left in your life, he is the only one who understands you. If you look back and realise that you see less people in your life now, than when you first met, this is not a good sign.
In a healthy relationship, you are encouraged to spend time with whatever friends that you choose. You are encouraged to grow and to have space to breath. A sociopath rarely gives you breathing space. You will end up feeling that you do not have time for anything or anyone else.
14. Is very dramatic
Sociopaths are always dramatic. They tell big stories, are manipulative and deceptive. They appear to be larger than life characters. They are always charming, and he always has a story to tell. They are smooth talkers and they stand out. He loves to be the centre of attention. They do not mind having dramas or who sees them doing this, as they simply ‘do not care’. They are either dramatically telling lies, manipulating, deceiving, being dramatic victims, or dramatic pleadings that they will change. Whatever they do, they will always seem larger than life. Sociopaths LOVE drama. they are drawn to it like magnets. If there isn’t any drama, well they will create some.
15. Lack of life plan and long term goals
Some sociopaths work, but most do not. If they do work, they can rarely hold down a job for too long as they do not like routine, or being told what to do. Often they think that working is beneath them, and treat work with contempt. After arguments a sociopath might promise to change. But this is not very likely.
They do not make long term goals like everybody else. They are so busy lying cheating, manipulating and scamming. It is as if they do not have the time to make goals in life. Most people realise that to have anything in life they need to work hard for it. A sociopath works hard, for himself as he works hard at scamming and cheating others. But he cannot see why he would need to work hard to get things like holidays, or anything else. Although he will promise you that this is exactly what he plans to do. He will make plenty of promises, which will rarely come true.
A sociopath is so consumed by the drama of today, what is happening in the next few months do not seem of importance. They will lie today, and not think about how this will affect them in the future.
Most sociopaths are also very immature. Because they cannot learn from mistakes and keep repeating the same mistakes over, they are unable to grow up, and act in a more mature manner that has respect for another human being, for their rights, their welfare or thinking about their needs.
Like a teenager they are demanding (masked with charm), and very selfish. They only think of their own needs (what is in it for me)? A sociopath is unable to put the needs of others before their own needs. A sociopath thinks that the entire world revolves around them.
17. Predatory stare
It is not just the ‘stare’ (see above) The sociopath also comes up CLOSE. It can feel quite uncomfortable, as he focuses his gaze onto you. His body language, gives you little space to breath. You can literally feel like you are ‘prey’. Sometimes the sociopath looks at you like you are his next lunch and he is very hungry! At first, this is flattering, later into the relationship it can feel ‘suffocating.
18. Will always blame someone else – lack of remorse, guilt or shame
When a sociopath has had a sociopathic meltdown (remember most of the time he has his mask on), you will see signs of insanity. The sociopath is deceptive and manipulative, and will cheat, lie and con. But you will not be aware of this.
When the sociopath is caught in his actions, he will show a total lack of remorse, guilt or shame. You might be shocked. This is a side that you have not seen before. Usually when the sociopath is behaving this way, he is often in ruining stage and just will ‘not care’ there will be no empathy for how you are feeling. He will show no remorse, guilt or shame for his actions.
It will all be somebody else’s fault. A sociopath will never admit to his wrong doings, instead he will either blame someone else, or ignore you, and your pain and move onto a new source for supply.
Sociopaths are very deceptive about who they are
Words © datingasociopath.com
516 thoughts on “Top 18 signs you have been dating a sociopath!!”
This is too brilliant! You have said it all…I just got on Twitter to tell Freshly Pressed they should feature this post! Fingers crossed! You’ve got a fantastic blog going. I look forward to reading more quality posts from you 😀
Hi, thank you for your kind comments, and for taking the time to read my blog. Isn’t it funny how sociopaths, are so very alike? I find that survivors (I prefer this term than victims) of them, whilst all having different experiences, all have the same story to tell. It is like we have all been dating the same person!! 🙂
The methods they use to ensnare their victims is always the same…like they have been shaped from the same cookie-cutter. I’ve always disliked the term ‘victim’ because to me that is more of a mentality (that is often part of the personality disorder spectrum) than a episode-limited role. I am very much enjoying reading your blog and recently shared it with a friend who will soon be divorcing her sociopathic husband who killed her dog (amongst other dodgy things) last year. I told her that I’d be happy to pay for the divorce if she can’t afford it just yet…she told me there are plenty of people who’d be happy to chip in to have him out of her life 🙂 Keep up the great posts! You are truly brilliant!!!
When he asked me to video tape me in my sleep I knew I wasn’t dealing with an average “person”…
It was almost like an out of body experience. I watched him search like law of attraction and found something on me that he repeatedly pull full circle. The behavioral pattern that was obvious. Every 6 hours, 24 hours, to after the “two day silient treatmeant” towards the end, he would cause a fight over the same reoccurring issue he held on to. He knew what would set me off. The whole bi polar emotional roller coaster was draining in its self. I am still recovering from it. And it SUCKS ASS… But reading this blog has definetly helped as I sent him a link – not to educate him how to be a better victimizer lol – but to say good bye for good. I’m free off that !
Haha good for YOU!!!
Maybe it will be a wake up call!! I actually wrote this blog with my sociopath ex still in my life, so he has read everything that I wrote.
Yet he STILL would lie, and repeat the crazy pattern of behaviour. Now considering I write a website about dating a sociopath that so many people can relate to….. its fairly obvious he wasn’t going to fool me at all…. yet he still continued the same.
so they can’t change – not ever. They might think they can, but they cannot sustain that change.
And thank you also, for recommending my blog. That really means a lot 🙂
Oy! I’m sure these rules aren’t hard and fast. Jon* (The guy I fell in love with in my story) you could argue he is immature, I don’t know about a narcissist–as he would always talk about how he had to work and stay late, but he’d never brag about being a hotshot with co-workers nor the ladies. In the beginning he was definitely charming and laying on the romance and came on too strong/too fast.
I dunno if that make him a sociopath or simply an immature guy who doesn’t know what he wants or how to handle himself.
Hey it can be confusing can’t it. I dated two one after the other, first I think was more of a distempered psychopath. He was horrible.
Second was very charming, didn’t play around (that I am aware of) How old was he?
A sociopath usually does 3 things. Seducing, Gaming and ruining. In the first stage they heavily seduce you (but most relationships do that) they are compulsive pathological liars, later you find out that everything was a lie. They lie more than they tell the truth. They are empty inside so everything is fake, and at the end all of the lies unravel. They manipulate you, lie to you, deceive you. And at the end they do smear campaigns and lie to everyone about you. Lots of things, but they are all the same and all follow the same pattern.
Hhhhmmmm….I wouldn’t call him a liar. Except that he contradicted himself alot. I don’t know if he’s doing a smear campaign against me as I don’t know anyone personally in his circle and he doesn’t know anyone in mine either. I guess he’s just your run of the mill…jackass for lack of better words?
Yes maybe…. sociopaths all follow the same pattern they tell out and out, outrageous lies. Going so far as pretending they are going to work all day when they are unemployed,…. they are opportunists. When you read about sociopaths if you have been involved with one, it leaps off the page to you, this is the same man you have been dating!! 🙂 (or I found)
Going to work…like Casey Anthony?
Sorry, I hadn’t seen your reply. I am unsure who Casey Anthony is?
Hi, sorry about my writing skills but English is my second language. This post is amazing as the rest of your website postings are… I can’t stop reading!!!, right on target! I just broke up with my sociopath abuser 8 days ago. I dated him for 4 years on and off, I am totally exhausted, bewildered, drained, feeling really crazy. I am so sure this is the real end and it feels great, but at the same time its so hard to process the trauma and sort out between the fantasy that he created for me and the reality. I believe i have been dealing with soiciopaths ever since I got married at 17 years old to a compulsive liar, cheater, etc. etc. divorced him after 7 years of being fooled over and over again and got married a year after to another sociopath, lived with him 6 years of hell, divorced him and married 18 month later to Mr. perfect, Mr Spiritual from my church, who was basically to good to be true and Narcissistic! lived 7 years with him but he ended up divorcing me to persue his grandiose mission of business investments and because he became a free mason, he needed his freedom….8 months later met my best friend’s brother, a full blown sociopath with all the caracterictics you have described to the “T” even the one you listed above about this crazy stare, its unbelievable!!!The sexiness, the amazing love making, the charm, the way he easily lied (even in front of me) to his family members over the phone about the silliest things and how he seemed to enjoy that, the threats if he felt i wanted to leave him, about disclosing intimate stuff i confided in him, like my chilhood sexual abuse, etc. It is al true though the big lesson to learn is to trust ourselves, i always felt and saw the red flags and yet i did justify everything, i always felt sorry for them, i wanted to help, to support…I have learned my lesson at a great price tag! This time around i feel it has been the most devastating one, I feel afraid because i know he is caused harm to people when he felt agravated or outsmart by them, of course he did all this behind their backs. I have great faith in God and my faith is keeping me going, plus i have 3 amazing children and 4 grand kids, not much friends left, but I know that it will be okay in time…Your blog is giving so much insights, strenght, motivation and a sense of relief im not crazy really. I plan to stay single for a long time now, and will be very, very careful and will choose a healthy person now that i have more information about this sick people. God bless you!
Thank you so much for your comments. You are not the only only who has been with more than one. I wondered, how could I possibly deserve this? Each one in the beginning seemed so perfect. At first in the end, it can be so very confusing, coming out of that fog. It can also feel lonely and isolating, as often they have controlled you, isolated you, and often told lies about you behind your back to ruin your reputation. When you have dated more than one, the damage can be great. But you know what I have learned? Is that real true friends, will be there for you. Even if you only have one. If not you have your children, and grandchildren. Me, too, in that the last one taught me, to be single. To be on my own. It is hard to be with a compulsive liar. Everything that they say is a lie. Mine was like that. Would stare me right in the face and lie, when there was no need to lie. When I did the same back to him, I learned just how very little he cared about me. He didn’t care about me at all. I am glad that what I write is helping you. I found that understanding helped me so much. He was still friends in my life, and I often wrote, as it was happening. Thank you for your kind comments!! ….. remember, sometimes we meet the liars, to learn to trust ourselves!!! 🙂
Hi! your reply is very comforting to me right now, thanks so much for reading about my experience, it makes me feel that im not alone fighting this fight. Do you have any blog about the reason behind atracting so many sociopaths?…I am very, very scared after this relationship…thanks so much for caring and making this your mission, you may very well be saving some lives outhere…at least mine is gonna better now thanks to the valuable information and insights from your writings…Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
You are most welcome!! I did write an article, about how to reduce the risk of meeting another sociopath….
I think if you haven’t full healed from the last, you are at risk of meeting another (I have done this too) as you are still weak. The sociopath will exploit your weaknesses. You are not the only one in this situation, but i do understand how it feels to feel alone with it. As other people can’t understand, and often, we are left isolated without support.
Keep going, and remember you can heal, and the more you understand, the more you learn, the more you will realise that this is NOT you… it is them, and just the way that they are! 😦
Just like all the others that commented, I cannot believe how you hit EVERY trait that my boyfriend possesses. I had thought he was a “narcissist”, until today, someone referred to their husband as a sociopath and said, “Look it up on the web and you’ll find his name.” When I did, I found your blog. I’m seriously afraid. My boyfriend seems so sincere, but the red flags have been here for two years. However, he has entrapped me in so many ways, that I don’t know how to get out. When you mentioned the “stare” as if I were prey, that really hit me. He makes me uncomfortable. He says it’s cute how I blush when he stares at me, but I’m not blushing. I’m plain uncomfortable. How sick am I, that I am afraid to leave him because I think I’ll hurt him because he treats me so well . . . when I’m doing everything the way he wants me to. I’ve broken up with him before… he won’t let me. He cries…wraps his arms around my legs, buys me flowers, cards, writes poems, etc. He makes it so hard, but every other day is a roller coaster of drama and an insecure future for me if I stay.
Aragh I went through this too!! They are so good at playing victim, that I didn’t want to leave as I didn’t want to hurt him.
Maybe he isn’t a sociopath – maybe he is an insecure narcissist? ….. they behave like that, make you feel sorry for them. Make you feel responsible for them.
You know what the truth is? Love is not about how you feel about someone else – it is how they make you feel about YOU!!
So answer that question – HOW DOES HE MAKE YOU FEEL ABOUT YOU?????
That is the REAL answer – NOT how you feel about him. As he can manipulate you….. it is how he makes you feel about yourself!!!
Very good post… You nailed it
Thank you Becki,
if it’s ok with you I would like to re-blog your post soon.
Yes of course, go ahead!! 🙂
Thank you. I would like to this weekend.
Thats fine!! 🙂 Just starting to read your blog Becki, looks really interesting, you have been through a lot too!
I’ve been involved with a co-worker for almost a year. I’m married, and am experiencing so much guilt that I’m physically sick and can’t sleep without the aid of sleep medication. I have always been faithful, and then this man came into my life, so intense, the connection unlike any I have ever experienced. I truly thought he was ‘perfect’. After months of texts, emails, visits to my office several times a day, we started to spend time alone together, and I unfortunately broke my vows. The thing is, I think the emotional betrayal was worse, because I was ADDICTED to my phone, waiting for the next text, the nicknames and inside jokes. Not long after we became intimate, I suspected he was starting something with another woman in the office. That’s when I got The Stare, and the first of many bald faced lies to my face. Now in the last three months I’ve watched him charm, and seduce his new ASSISTANT, all the while asking me to befriend her and take her under my wing. How sick is this man? Yesterday she came to me and asked if he was a player, only then to admit that they’ve been secretly texting, meeting and making out. I just can’t believe how similar the pattern is, She is also married, with two children. She knew we were close and suspected we may be having an affair, and he told her no….I just have a crush on him. RAGE.
For background, he is 52 years old, I am in my thirties. He is in a long distance relationship, which seems to suit his sick game, and has never been married.
I can’t stop asking myself all the “why’s”….why would someone do this? why would he pursue me with such zealous only to cast me aside….and why do I still think he would ever give me an explanation that was honest, when in the past when I’ve had almost irrefutable proof he was playing me, but I was the one who ended up apologizing for not giving him the benefit of the doubt?
He’s panicking now because his assistant and I have connected the dots, but I fear he will blame me and go on a smear campaign that could have detrimental effects on my career.
I know some may say this is karma for what I’ve done to my husband, and I agree,. I can’t believe how badly I’ve f****ed everything up, I can’t even look at myself right now. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
You need to go careful with the risk of smear campaigns in the office. What is your biggest fear? As he will prey on your weakness and biggest fear should he need to, to control you.
You might be right about him not being happy that you and the assistant are joining up. Remember their two biggest fears are
– Fear of exposure
– Fear of losing control
So he might see it that he those two things are at risk.
Additionally, yes it is sick that he put you two together. But they enjoy this, its part of the sick game (see dupers delight and the joy of conning someone), it is something that they get off on, being open in your face about the conning that is going on. it provides a sick rush to their head.
What are you going to do?
I’ve started NC as of last night. Because he’s such a “private” person I think he will only try to change his assistants mind about him (and not bother with me), by trying to convince her I am just jealous. He’s been doing that for weeks apparently. In the past when he’s been caught in a lie he’s gone completely silent, avoiding me until I text an apology of sorts. Which he eagerly accepts. Now that his new conquest is on to him, I just have no idea how he will react, because he hasn’t quite fulfilled the pattern. They were still in the first stage (of the three you write about).
Did you say anything about him to her? Ruining is akin to killing someone off (metaphorically) By ruining you, he kills you off. Fortunately most aren’t killers.
You are a threat as you know things about him. Did you say that he was married too? If so, he might not expose you, if he thought that you would expose him also for an affair.
My biggest fears are
1) My husband finding out – I don’t know if I should confess or not right now.
2) The sociopath trying to take me down with him should he be discovered by more people in the office. Perhaps saying that I made the whole thing up about them as I was “jilted”….His assistant has a very good case for sexual harassment, even though she was a “willing” participant. When the rumours began about the two of them, I counselled him at the time that by being in situations with her alone (after work drinks with a group where the two of them were the last to leave) that it was being perceived as inappropriate. He claimed at the time to truly appreciate my advice, and assured me that there was nothing he was doing that could get him in hot water.
Obviously that was a huge lie, and he also stated that my “green monster” was showing again.
I bet he got off, on confiding in you, whilst betraying in you and you offering him advice.
One thing that you can be sure of, is that he will quiz her to find out information that you have said about him. To see what your risk of exposure is.
I do wonder if they deliberately target attached women sometimes, as it is an easy leverage for control and reduces the risk of exposure as you cant expose him because of your spouse.
Must feel a bit like treading on eggshells at the moment?
Sociopaths MAKE people BREAK their own boundaries. If you find yourself thinking “I never did this before for anybody, but….” that’s a warning sign.
yes it does. I’m already waiting to be painted as the ‘troublemaker’ to the other woman, even though she came to me. Then I have to remind myself it wasn’t and isn’t my job to protect him. I’m so used to apologizing for my insecurities, and accusations, and when I think how he let me do that knowing I was 100% right…and he would smile and be this example of understanding and forgiveness….it’s so sick, and evil. Where we work I’m kind of the organiser of social events, and people seem to genuinely enjoy my company…kind of the life of the party, and I know he realises that by me finding out who he really is, once and for all, he will no longer be a part of these activities. There’s just no way he could show his face, as these are MY friends, no one really knew he who he was before he aligned himself with me. I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I’ve been there longer and am/was by nature a social butterfly. That’s changed a lot over the last several months though, where people have even commented that I don’t act like ‘me’ anymore, but it’s because of this twisted, intense relationship.
You really do need to go careful though. Sociopaths are very good at honing and taking your friends, your life, everything that you have to take (if he is a sociopath). Whatever is yours, is theirs that is the way that they see it. And if you have something which you value and treasure they think that it is theirs for the taking. He can do this, by befriending people (he is charming) if you have ever said anything about someone – he can use that against you, by using a thread of truth with lies. They are masters of illusion and often destruction too. If they felt threatened by you and your friends, he could quite deliberately infiltrate that group, and start to alienate you 😦
The texts started on Monday, basically saying he imagines I must be feeling hurt and betrayed, and hopes that someday I won’t hate him anymore and can see the good person he is. Tuesday was the first day back to work, the other woman was not in. He texted me again saying he hopes he can stop by my office from time to time like he used to, basically asking my permission. I agreed just so the first time we saw each other wouldn’t be as awkward in front of others, and he seemed genuinely embarrassed and couldn’t make eye contact with me. That night the texts were more “this wasn’t worth it” (hooking up with the other woman) because he has now lost me and that we both know what that is. Still no apology, but I think he knew I wouldn’t accept it. What he was offering is an explanation, and I agreed to listen to it on Wednesday. We went for a drink, which turned into many, and basically his explanation was two-fold. 1) She wore him down, and it just seemed like an easy way to “scratch an itch”. It was a lust thing, not an emotional connection like what we had. 2) The reason he needed to scratch an itch is because his out of town girlfriend is pre-menopausal and their sex life isn’t much of anything right now. There were A LOT of tears by him that night. First time he teared up was when he asked me for a hug and I said no. Then when he was explaining about his girlfriend’s issue, he cried, and said he didn’t feel good about himself, but he has needs.
The strangest part was when he decided to tell me about how his dad died in his arms years ago, don’t ask how this even came up, but he was sobbing and I felt obliged to offer comfort.
Throughout his explanation of how he ended up pursuing this other woman, I stayed calm, detached even, but he never addressed all of the times he lied about them, he seemed to be sticking to a script.
I’m so torn right now, because I miss him and I know he’s making me a priority and not the other woman. I have her emailing me regularly saying he hasn’t even attempted to explain anything, and so maybe a small part of me (ok not that small) feels like he must really care about me more because his focus is my well-being, and my forgiveness.
The problem is we’re falling back into old patterns now of texting, and talking, and he’s reminding me constantly of all of our inside jokes. I hate that I’m so weak, and I hate that I want to “win”, I like that he’s ignoring her.
I don’t know how to end it once and for all, without being obsessed thinking about who he is with (her). My emotions are so out of control, I’m sad, mad, jealous….and at times happy when things with him feel “normal”.
You know that this man is not good for you. The truth is that while he is emailing you as a better source of supply for the other woman, it wont be long before he finds a better source of supply than you!
I know that you want him to love you, to be with you, to care for you. To be the man that you want him to be. That will never happen.
To end it once and for all you need to establish No contact.It will get better over time. How you feel will get better over time. The longer that you go with No contact. this is because you focus your energy on you and not on the sociopath.
Have you ever quit smoking? It is like that. Same thing, at first you get the cravings, but those cravings get less over time.
This is never going to get better, or to be the magical fairy tale ending that you want. You need to be realistic about this. What care does he have for the other woman? A good man would feel bad about hurting someone. The sociopath doesn’t. If you stay with it, you are only heading for more heartache!!
to the lady that had the affair with sociopathic coworker that has now moved on to the next woman in the office change job immediately i will save you alot of grief change your number and dont keep in contact with anyone that might know about the affair and dont do facebook and change all cell and home numbers emails good luck girl
You are not special to him. He does not care about you at all and he doesn’t care about you more. He cares about himself and only himself. You are a better target than the other woman at the moment. That’s it. Drop him. Ignore him.
You know what he does at night? He sleeps like a baby. I bet you don’t.
Run and run quickly. Don’t meet with him again.
That is true. They don’t care about anybody but themselves!!! For sure!!
Do you think sociopaths know they are sociopaths? Is this something that grows in a person or are thy born this way? Has anyone ever heard of a sociopath making an effort to change his/her life and habits to be a more fruitful person?
Hi Abbey. If you look at the post list for recent posts I wrote one a few days ago called do sociopaths know they are sociopaths? I am on my phone so can’t copy and paste the link it is in the column on right hand side.
Is there a support group for survivors of sociopathic relationships in Australia, Victoria? that would also be a good thing, I for one, would attend the meetings, but in the meantime, your blog, advice is life saving & very helpful, thankyou so much, Blessings to you. Livvy
Hi there, I left my ex husband (whom I’m now convinced is a narcissist) following his admission he had a three year affair which started when I was pregnant with our second child. The woman (whom I considered a friend to my family and mentor for my ex) is 15 years older than him and at 55, facially looks about 60, she is very lined but athletic. She is very wealthy (supposedly) and bought him his dream car whilst they were together.
Since I left (though I did give it over a year to try and make it work) he has returned to this woman and I am equally sure she is a sociopath. There are a number of signs and I have researched plenty on the subject in an effort to heal my own sense of self, knowing now that nothing I could ever have done would ever have been enough for my ex husband. Although that being said, prior to his starting the relationship with her, he seemed to be a good, thoughtful, loving man. Naturally for the three years they were together that I was unaware of, he became a different man; moody, angry, unpredictable. He tried to leave her and she threatened him, she promised everything he wanted to indulge in sexually, she offered him success and a full spiritual life. She mirrored everything he desired, convinced him that they were connected and meant to be, and she has no morals. She has stolen belongings from others and behaved fraudulently. She also abused his parents (who live overseas) I believe in an effort to alienate them. I have little doubt about her.
On the other hand, I am now happy and content, I love my life and am filled with gratitude for my children (8 & 5) and my friends and family. My only concern is for my children as they now spend time with my ex (he barely saw them for an extended period of time) for about a week or more at a time during the school hols following his shift some 3 hours drive away. I have instilled all the right values in my children and they are very open and honest with me. I don’t enquire or interrogate on their return at all but they fill me in on anything they think important. To date I have been able to keep their moral compass on track and they are loving empathetic children but how can I best protect them from this woman?
Hi, thank you for your comment, its nice to meet you!
Children are usually very honest, if they don’t feel that the other parent has an issue. Encourage open and honest communication. When children are involved, they love both parents. So if there were issues, they can lie to protect a parent fearing that they wouldn’t see them again.
Encourage open and honest communication. Talk about their visits in a enthusiastic, encouraging way. if you have an issue with it, don’t let them know, or they could close down.
It sounds like you are doing a great job as a parent have you heard of this book? Just like his father? This might help?
hey so my girlfriend or ex girlfriend is claiming that i am a so called socio path buti disagree because of the simple fact that i do see and agree that i posses quiet a few of these issues and have a strong will to change, doesnt that in itself kinda defy a sociopath? am i just doomed?
The point is, do you have a conscience? That means do you feel bad?
If you were a sociopath (I don’t know) you might want to change because you fear losing your source of supply, but as soon as you get what you want, you would return to the same pattern of behaviour.
I don’t know you, so I can’t say whether you are or not. But, sociopaths don’t change – the thinking pattern in their brain is different. They think of themselves first, and others are merely there to make their own lives better.
Not all sociopaths are bad, but they can cause a lot of hurt, pain and destruction. Sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars, deceptive and manipulative. Use people for their own ends, always have an agenda, are predators. Usually they cause carnage even if they do not mean to.
Do you think you are one?
My ex had a very strong will to change Frankie. He did try to manage his behaviour. But…. the outcome was always the same. Repeated behaviour which was not good or healthy to be around (he would lie, deceive, and worst of all steal)…. i know that he tried, and I know that he wanted to be different, but he could never quite manage it.
wow thats terribly unfortunate my ex has taken me back time and time again, and yes she does support me. Every time we break up, i always promise change and yet return to the same behaviour such as stealing or lieing so yes i do think i am one i dont want to be. is there any like treatment or medication?
No. They say that currently there is not really anything that is proven effective. How can you treat a compulsive pathological liar? Realistically?
Why would you steal and lie from someone you love? That isn’t love. Its abuse. The worst kind of abuse, like emotional rape!! …. Really…..
One day she will get wise to it, if she hasn’t already. Will move on. You will start again, and repeat the same pattern of behaviour. I feel for you really, as it can’t be nice having to rebuild your life over and over from scratch, and losing people out of your life, who did once care about you, but you hurt someone enough times, they will walk away. That is the only thing that they can do. Wouldn’t you, if someone was lying and stealing from you?
Touchdown!!!!! My Sociopath friend, or at least I was a friend to him, has finally landed himself in jail. His new target has been in place for 4 months now and over this time period I took advantage of that and took major steps away from helping him to continue being the parasitic drug addict that he his.
She will now carry the torch as I have done the past three years. Unfortunately she hasn’t a clue what shes got and I am not going to tell her although I wish I could. She has to figure it out on her own. First time ever that he actually being forced to be accountable for his actions. He has violated his probation. His new target’s life will be ruined quickly by this young man and she wont’ even see it coming. I will sleep tonight like I haven’t slept since I met this “spawn of satan”. God is Good and he has released me from the bondage of this relationship and I didn’t even have to be a mean and rotten person. I simply asked God to remove me and BOOM…new target and now jail. Thank You Jesus.
Aw bless you Michelle!!! 🙂
Isn’t it good when you get to see that happen? Karma…
And as for the new person.Well she might not wait for him whilst he is inside? …. you are right, you cannot be responsible for someone elses life lessons. Its time for you now. And FREEDOM as you know he wont be bothering you!! – which of course is amazing news!! 🙂
One thing I have learned is that it is your personality and it is hard to change your personality! I know I find my self feeling really sorry for my ex at times because it is imposable for them to realiz they are the way they are. They think it is normal!
Please, please get the hell out!
I am in exactly the same postition as you, but still stuck in it three years later!!!
The whole story, IDENTICAL, except it was me who spoke to the other one, she denied it all, I had seen it, felt it and then got proof of it!
Even after all that, he swore I was wrong, begged, pleaded, all of it, adn I was so much in love with him by then and also in total heartbreak shock, that I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and try to move past it becasue I couldn’t bear the searing hurt, and also shame at what I had done.
He gaslighted me so much that I was actually watching them both (eye contact, smiles, touching each other in front of me, blushing, etc.) and still wanted to believe all his crap he spun me. He then moved to other employment which again broke my heart, but I thought, at least he isn’t here with her. I had promises of it not being goodbye for ‘us’, only for it to be blatant later that it was still going on, again I chose to believe it was ME who was over reading stuff.
The lies have just been one after the other, and I have been manipulated so much that I daren’t confront him any more, he immediately changes the subject, usually to a pity story too,, I too have had the tears every time! It is designed to put you off the real issue, feel sorry for them and drop the subject.
Every time I get enough strength to tell him to stop, he comes back with a few promises, all the old sentences word for word, and also all the same mistakes in his texts, reelsme back in, and then silence for a couple of days (this si someone who has me in his head constantly, can’t live wihtout me, and who, I must add, no longer feels it necessary to have a physical relationship with me becasue (I am just too beautiful for that!)
I too was addicted to the texts, back then, and guess what I still am, still breaking my own heart over him, and still waiting for him to make good all his bullshit words.
Please, while it’s only early, please get out!!
I am currently in my second relationship with a sociopath. Just started really seeing the signs of similarity. It’s so surreal. To find out the “person” you’ve fallen “in love” with is a complete stranger is actually pretty scary. Currently figuring out the best way to end it. He’s in the other room right now.
Hi Blab, nice to meet you. Remember that the MOST difficult, and dangerous time with the sociopath is when you try to leave, this is when things escalate. So keep yourself safe, and have a plan of action, to keep you as safe as possible. Remember it will likely be a rough ride getting out, but it is the one thing that will ultimately give you peace of mind and stop the manipulation, control and abuse of you.
Wow this is right on the nose! I went through this for the last 3 year and he is all this and more. He is the working kind but jobs don’t last. He cheats all the time so has to continue living a double life. It has been a week since I last talk to him and we will see if it continues or if he try’s to contact me! I caught him regarding cheating. It has been very hard and mentally tiring.
Try to keep going Liz. Take on day at a time. One step at a time!!
Thanks! Positivgirl. The sad part is that I have known home since I was 15 and we were married and have a son. We reconnected after 20 years of not seeing each other and I wasted the next 3 with the crazy behavior! I am a social Worker and u would think I would know better but hard to see it when u love someone. It took my best friend who works in mental heath to slowly but surly point it out to me. I knew but hard to except! One day at a time!
Hi Liz, You know I think if you do that particular kind of work, you can get drawn in more as you work with people and their problems every day. I worked with homeless people for 27 years (which included working alongside social services too), including mental health teams etc. What I learned is that this makes me a person who cares unconditionally – he had good sides too, and we are still ‘kind of’ friends today. I had to separate my feelings from the behaviour as the behaviour would turn my world upside down.
Wow posativgirl, that is what I do work with Homeless Vets with the VA! I am a Homeless out reach Social worker. And yews we work with Mental health. Small world. I do care but I do separate my self from work stuff but I seem to pick guys that have issues!I am so tired of always giving and not getting support! Mentally draining! I see u know what u are talking about! This has been really hard for me!
yes, I think because of that work, we become used to ‘disordered’ …. you must admit that with that work, if you look back you likely worked with LOTS of sociopaths!!! I know that I have. I found that because I did that kind of work, I attracted people like that, and when it went to crazy, I found myself managing it, as I was used to doing that in my job. Looking back I can think of a number of clients, who didn’t have a diagnosis but clearly were. And clients who DID have a diagnosis (psychopath) that I thought – oh they are not that bad :)…. I couldn’t see past the pathological lying. I tend to see people for who they are, and past their ‘issues’. I found that I tolerated a lot more than the average person would, just because of my job.
Ya I think that must be what I am doing. My girlfriend works in prisons doing therapy and she works with many of them. She said that unless the end up in prison the are not usually diagnosed with It because the don’t have the insight to see it. They are in their own world and look at it as being normal. So she has always said to me “if u are going to stay with him u kneed to except him for who he is and know he will always cheat and lie to u it is his personality and they can’t change their personality and it is who they are”! He is very smart and it has been hard for me to grasp that he can’t see it is not normal. He always try’s to make me think I am the crazy one! Are son will be pleasant with him but he does it just for me. He really does not give a shit about him because he has never been there for him! His mother is a piece of work as well his siblings are messed up as well! They had a messed up child hood!
Yes, but you can’t make excuses for his behaviour. Honestly, the last one learned he was a sociopath. He read everything. He acknowledges he is one. He tried to manage his behaviour. He couldn’t though, they have poor impulse control. Find it difficult to resist temptation. Lack of life goals, moral compass is absolutely out. Even though he knew and (he read all of my blog) so he knew that I knew….. he STILL repeated behaviour over and over…. that has to say something.
Thank you! I have been in a relationship with one of these types for two years and it’s finally over! No more driving him around. no more buying him cigarettes. No more dealing with his lies and drug addiction. I am glad others are writing about this. I actually wrote a post about this as well: http://chickenscratch88.blogspot.com/2013/06/ladies-recognize-before-youre.html
Hi Jen, nice to meet you! 🙂
Yes u are right and I guess I just want him to be “normal”. But I know deep down that can never happen! He is almost 51 and I think aren’t u tired of all the bullshit? He was in the military for many years and I think if he could stay committed to doing well in that why not in a civilian job? I think I am just trying to process it all and get as much confirmation that he is who he is and it won’t ever change! So thank u for helping me with this! I have told are son about who he is but he does not get how anyone can be that way. And does not give a shit because he believes we all make choices and he thinks his dad is a looser! My ex hates it if he thinks someone has tainted his image he has of himself in his own mind! Thanks for all the great feed back!
I work in the care sector too, ‘cognitive problems’ !! he and I worked together, yes I have had to look into my own issues to try to see why I hang on to him and why I am so enmeshed and addicted to him.
I know he lies, duplicates things, excuses and explanations,actually forgets what he told me before, and when these things come, they hit you in the face like a hard slap!
I forgave him for betraying me (which hurt so bad, I thought I was going to die!)
Taht is what caring people do, we can’t face the truth or come to terms with knowing someone you love so deeply, could ever hurt you that way (and take great pleasure from getting away with it)
He manipulated me so well that I daren’t ever question him on anything, he would just disappear for a few days and leave me discarded and frustrated.
I can see very clearly now that really, ALL of his contact is only about him, he takes great pleasure in telling me ‘i know how much you love me’
He keeps me at a distance, and I feel like ‘just a fantasy’ in his head. I alternate between knowing what’s happenening to me,and telling myself,don’t be stupid, he does love you, no-one in the right mind could carry this on for all this time if he didn’t,but like all the experts say,,,,yes he will,,,,,he will carry this on for the supply of adoration as long as you keep giving it!
So why can’t I listen to the experts?
I still can’t let him go, I spend all my time thinking about him, his thoughts, and trying to understand his disorder (which is not diagnosed)
I am now taking one day at a time, processing one peice of information at a time, trying to take it in and LISTEN to it.
I have allowed him to do and say some really cruel things to me, all the time feeling that he was poking me with a sharp stick to provoke me (and getting off on it)
Sometimes although it hurt for a long time, I am grateful that he keeps me at that distance,I would have had a breakdown by now if he had been closer.
I will keep posting my thought now and then,if it helps one person to ‘see the future’ it will be worth it.
Hi Dorena, thank you for your comments. Just take one day at a time. it is like quitting an addiction. Take back control over you. Get clean. When you are, you will look back and think wow, what was I thinking? 🙂
U are so right positivagirl! One day at a time! It gets better! Since u work with him u may want to get a new job. I know it is the last thing u want to do but think about it Dorena.
Oh, You’re all hysterical control freaks, joyous at having found each other…the trick is just to enjoy the good things about us…you will never get anything of worth if you try to change us…and I mean 98% of the male genus…good luck!
🙂 Ummm Alphonso, the problem is that sociopaths have the need to control EVERYTHING…. they hate losing control. I don’t care about control. I don’t want to control anyone else, or for them to control me. So…. who are the control freaks? I think sociopaths are the most controlling people out there. Wouldn’t you agree, if you are a sociopath – you HAVE to have control. Losing it drives you crazy 🙂
Alphonso, I see you are ONE! ha ha, because who would make a statement like that? Humm! U have know idea what Love is a how it makes you feel. Very sad for you! They say that when you die (anyone) you are made to feel all the joy and love you gave in your life and all the pain and sorrow you did and caused. So If you have a religious bone in your body remember that. NO one wants to be used.
I believe in this too Liz, but from what I hear a lot of sociopaths are also atheists :(…. they think that they are above everything and everyone else, and that life is just a game – sadly 😦
U are possibly right with most. But my ex husband is Catholic and does believe. But the depth of belief I don’t know.
I read the article and the thing that stood out to me more than anything else was the stare…I had never understood why I would cringe it usually came out of nowhere and we were actually happy with no issues minutes before. He would all of a sudden find something wrong, and usually it was something that happened like a week before. He would get right in my face with this Jack Nicholson look from the shining and rip me apart for something from a week ago. The minute I shut down and cowered which didn’t take long that look turned into this evil pleasure filled smile. I never asked for much I was raised to be rather giving and supportive. That was usually what he attacked me about, how nice I was. I was accused of being cold, unable to show true intimacy, the list goes on I jumped through hoops only to find out he was cheating with a married woman for 5 months. The whole time he was trying to get me to buy a house for us and having us take marriage surveys which he instigated we take to make sure our communication would be good once we moved in to the new place. Then without any warning he just disappeared and the whole truth started unraveling and many of his friends decided to stay friends with me they were men not women that says something. I spent a month in shock afraid to leave my house after the realization of the manipulation I had been through. I never wanted to control anything and I am not naive, I believe in compromise and realize you will not get along every second of everyday, I am sure some men are just somewhat self cenetered and we falsely accuse them. But I know what evil really looks like and I will probably suffer from the outcome for a very long time. I had believed I dated bad men before, but really it was just that we had different needs and wants this is very very very different. I am not perfect none of us are we all have baggage to a certain extent but we do not try and completely anhilate someone that is what these people do and with pleasure.
Yes, that stare…. it is as if they are sizing you up for lunch!! Likely that they probably are!! 😦 Yes, you are right, this is exactly what they do, they try to snuff out your life, and absolutely destroy, its the same as a serial killer, except they don’t actually kill you physically (they fear prison too much, well a lot do, due to boredom), instead they try to destroy you and alienate you from everything that you hold dear to you.
I had that stare too, never seen pupils dilated that big (when he was turned on),,and then, in a flash,his eyes would glaze over and go cold??,every time I saw the dilated pupils, I knew he had set eyes on another prospective prey, he would be talking to me,,,,,,,hear someone’s voice in the background and it would happen!
It would be as though I wasn’t even in the room with him,totally oblivious of my presence.
I could always tell when he was happy to see me,,,and also when he was stoic in his interest.
Just as a matter of interest,,did anyone else notice that they had rituals,,habits,,stuck to times, etc??
For me it was when his habits and timings changed that I realised there was probably someone else in on the picture.
I am having this again recently, he has changed the words he uses, is telling me something he has been doing today,etc,something he already told me last year, and the year before, things which would not happen repeatedly!
I know pathological lying means they don’t remember what they said previously,but seriously??
And every time it happens (which has been a lot),,,I can’t confront him because I know I will get another ridiculous lie for an excuse!!
It is absolutely draining,
Oh Dorena, please leave. I have finally broken up with mine. He ticked all the boxes except money – he earns a good wage and says he always does. I stayed until I had irrefutable evidence, even then he denied it. These sites are therapeutic. It hurts a lot, but being with him was driving me crazy. Please get out Dorena. Gather your support network, your resources, get some money in your account where its safe and GET OUT.
Dorena, it is draining and nice when they are not around, because u get a break. I don’t know about the time thing cause not sure what u mean? I know he tells me story’s and when he changes his story for no reason I call him on it. His constant excuse is things change and that is how it goes. Which is Bull shit nothing changes that much!
I really enjoyed reading this article. It has helped me so much. My ex husband fits the criteria. I was young had 5 children, however was not working.. He liked it that way. He controlled the finances. and I never understood why we were so broke most of the time. I later discovered all his lies and his manipulations. He gambled, drank, womanised for years and I had no idea. It was like I had woken up to a nightmare after having such a beautiful dream…the perfect husband and the perfect family I stayed because he basically had me trapped and could see no way out. Things started to change however once I took myself off to university and graduated. His anguish was unleashed once I started to change my attitude and see his ways. This was his undoing. He found this so intimidating and would often try to tear me down by insulting me. It just goes on and on.
I am currently endeavouring to end a relationship with a yet another gentleman who certainly fits these criteria’s. I have lived a life of turmoil the past 3 years have been full of turmoil and heart break. Its as if he has me dangling on a leash. The song she wolf has a line in it that states (I felt like a deer in your lights),this is exactly how I have been feeling for the past 12 months now. I met this one on line. He had me thinking he was the exact opposite of my ex. Though he is not so and in many ways is worse. My question now is why am I attracted to these types. I must be so dam gullible or something is seriously wrong with me…This article has certainly given me so much insight. I will certainly be working on myself.
You are not gulible it is the nature of being nice. They can sense the underlying vulnerability and the scars of the past. You cannot always see them for what they are at first but you have to trust the gut instinct. I had this nagging feeling that I just assumed was my fear but it wasn’t it was a true something isn’t right instinct. I have also had more than one and I want to take care of people it is that very thing that makes us a target. You have kids we have learned to sacrifice for the good of our children and in a lot of ways these selfish creatures are still infantile. We cannot change the pattern until we know how to say NO to things and stop being the only one who compromises. I have removed myself from the dating world until I know what I need so that I will not be a victim again. It is not being selfish to ask for compromise you cannot always have everything your way, but it shouldn’t be that everything is always their way and your needs ignored.
Thank you pj for your insight…I think you are so right in relation to they can pick up on under lying vulnerabilities.. I was obviously vulnerable after my marriage broke down,. I wasn’t consciously aware of this fact at the time. I met my latest on line so he had the opportunity to groom me for 9 months before I actually met him face to face. I saw defects when I did meet him face to face however the whole situation was so movie like romantic and completely disregarded my gut instincts. In future I will most certainly trust myself more.. That’s if I have a future with men anymore.. I am most certainly now very guarded and quiet possibly emotionally damaged. Your were also correct into my caring nature. It goes much further than children in my life..I am by profession a nurse. I always thought it was interesting that all of my latest ex’s past girlfriends, have all been nurses.
Hi Debbie, as the sociopath mirrors you to offer what you are looking for, and what you think is missing in your life, maybe look at those things. And think how you can find those things for yourself, and find your own inner happiness. When you do that, you might change and not expect others to
You are so right and I thank you for this..I never picked up on this mirroring till just lately and after reading this article. As I have just stated in my above reply to PJ my recent ex had 9 months in which to groom me (which is the way I have seen it) however now I can see the mirroring fits a little more accurately. I am now very aware of some of the tactics these guys use and will certainly not be taking people on face value. I will no longer fall victim to the pity party these guys tend to pull. Twice now I have fallen victim to the poor me history of these 2 individuals. I will run a mile if I hear one more please fix me story..
Plus, I know mine went thru hell as a kid. Like narcissists in general, they are often badly abused when young. This explains the illness, but it does not make you obliged to stay in this soul destroying relationship.
It is absolutely amazing how this post really hits the nail on the head. I dated a Sociopath and he fit the description to a T. He had the most beautiful blue eyes you have ever seen “devil’s eyes” as he once referred to them. And that piercing long stare. Such a way with words, so charismatic he was an expert (a Salesman for a living)… when he wasn’t in prison for fraud. He had a Master’s degree in Finance, spoke multiple languages, and was highly intelligent. Always the center of attention, boisterous and loud; and a high level of testosterone. Spontaneous to a fault, loved drama and hated people in general (no attachment). He was a social climber who had to have the best of things in life, and an ego to go with it. Very immature, and had a strange lack of connection to his past. He didn’t want to talk about anyone, had few friends, and moved across the country leaving his son and everyone where he had grown up with no regrets very abruptly. And there was a victim mentality, he was never at fault- his DUI had been under unfair circumstances, the bank fraud that landed him in prison he didn’t realize was illegal. Really, you didn’t realize that funneling funds from 30 banks would get you in trouble? When out on bail the judge put him on curfew and he couldn’t even stick to that. Everything he told me about his past was to gain sympathy- his terrible childhood, lack of parenting. I thought he was bonding with me, but he wanted me to bond with him. To trust him, to need him.
When we met he knew all the right things to say and things seemed almost too perfect. But I being the self-sabotaging dating-type ran a background check on him (my family comes from a lot of money). He was too smart for that, he had managed to cover up his sorted past even in federal background checks. He didn’t seem to care to get to know me, he would call or text every hour almost obsessively but only to express his his adoration and praise of me from the very beginning. It was suffocating but I was strangely intoxicated by him. How could someone so wonderful be falling in love with me so quickly? I felt undeserving. He spoke of marriage and children with me from day one and said he would marry me very soon.
Thank God I woke up before it was too late. He once told me jokingly “if you wake up and there is a body in the kitchen, you had better be my partner and grab a shovel without asking questions”
JB I think who u describe is my sociopath? Lol. Except the part about dead body in the kitchen and asking u to help by grabbing a shovel! That is definitely criminal behavior. I have a college friend that I was in grad school with and since have been friends with for over 15 years. She is an LCSW and does therapy in the prisons in California and it sounds to me like what she describes at a psychopath. She tells me story’s of these guys and they are capable of anything. These guys are just crazy! Sorry for what u have been dealing with! I completely get your pain.
I relate so much, to everything I read. And even though I moved 3000 miles to not let myself go back it is still very hard. You see I accept him, I am having a harder time accepting what I let him do to me. Mostly, I am embarrassed because so many people including his counselor, parole office and brother told me. And I kept defending him, thinking that I could love him enough, and be strong enough that he would start to trust and be honest. And he started to, then things blew up and everything went sideways.
I just want this over in my head. I am even afraid to date, because ‘what if he comes back whole, and wants to love me again’ sooooooo hard. 😦
Hey gamegirl, I just wanted you to know,that i did the same thing. For a long time too. So, don’t be embarrassed there is no harm or crime in loving too much. He can’t change. He didn’t love you, in the way that you deserve to be loved. And he never can or will. I am sorry that you are hurting. but I do also understand where you are coming from, as I have done exactly the same as you. I wrote a post about separating the behaviour from the love….. as sometimes you can love someone, but you cannot tolerate their behaviour.
where are you living now Gamegrrl to have moved 3000 miles?
In the Uk 😉
Me too! I am in Bristol 🙂
Wow u to ladies you have expressed exactly how I feel now. I want to move on and am trying to. But in the back of my mind I think well what if? He comes back and changes his cheating ways? We all know it won’t happen! I will always have some contact with him we have a son and where “high school sweet hearts” so I thought and he said. I have known him for over 33 years we were married for 7 years then apart for 23 years then he came back to California and pursued me and I fell for it again! It is very hard to walk away from that again after being manipulated for the last 3 years! I have good days and bad days! I want to just be on good terms with him and he said he did too. But he is not talking to me right now to punish me for finding out his cheating and lying. Just wish I could get over these feelings. Oh and we are going to become grand parents for the first time in October. He loves to brag about things that he had not part in but since it is “his son” he has some entitlement. Are son is nice to him for me. He really does not care for his dad because he was never there for him! Love all the support on this blog. I come here when feeling down and need the great support!
Ugh! Can you people please change your descriptions of a sociopath? Why emphasize how charming they are and how they stare you in the eyes? That’s me and I’m not a sociopath but I always have to defend myself to women because of this crap. Sociopaths have artificial charm which isn’t really that remarkable. I think the only remarkable thing about them is that they can APPEAR normal then they’re actually loony toons. The “charm” you’re talking about is more like normal peoples friendliness. My dad is a sociopath, I am not, if you compare me and him, it’s vastly different. It’s like Charles Manson vs. Leonardo DiCaprio.
Lol, ok….. I think the intense stare from a sociopath is a bit more than a normal person. Yeah I wrote a post how sociopaths appear very normal. yes their artificial charm is quite remarkable, because it is mirroring their victim and tailor made for whoever they are trying to seduce.
I am coming to the realization that I think my husband (in a long term marriage with children) is a sociopath. I don’t think I was really aware for a long time that our relationship has really been dysfunctional until he lost his job & didn’t get a job for 3 1;/2 yrs. I began to spend a lot of time with him & his behavior before the unemployment was horrible but I thought I had to stay as a Christian woman. I keep getting more & more feeling that I don’t have any other choice to leave. My children have been encouraging me to leave him because his addictions & pathological behavior is just getting worse with age. I feel so stupid but yet so stuck in this relationship. We are still trying to crawl out of poverty & food stamps & debt from this 3 + year period of unemployment. I do not think I can live with him once I feel I can “get away”. People in our families are not going to understand cuz he’s the good guy & the favored one. But it’s all just becoming too much for me & after reading this & other informative articles I just feel overwhelmed.
I am afraid for my boyfriend and myself.. I am only 17 and he is 19 but admitted his psychiatrist told him he was a sociopath and I am one of the only ones he has told.. We argue a lot but them he charms me by getting me flowers and says he loves me. When we sit in the car, he’s the only one talking and rambling, hard for me to even think. And admits he never fell in love before. He tells me stories that can be excited but unbelievable at the same time.. I love him but its hard knowing I’m being manipulated and hypnotized.
Hi Rene, thank you for your comments. if a psychiatrist has diagnosed him as a sociopath, then this is the truth that you have to accept.
How does he treat you? You are only young, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Unfortunately, Sociopaths suck the life out of you. Until you feel a shadow of your former self (read the comments on this site) and what I write, which are all true accounts as it was happening. I hope that you have very supportive family and friends around you. Keep those people close to you (as the sociopath strives for control, and is dishonest manipulative and and deceptive). they are compulsive pathological liars. They suck you in, and turn your world upside down. But the crazy thing is that they appear so kind, helpful, and caring about you….. you can doubt your own mind.
This relationship is unlikely to be a healthy one. When the sociopath talks about love, it means possession, ownership and control. Not in the the way that you see love.
Try not to be scared. There are many of us who have been in a relationship with a sociopath. In fact they are very common. most do not kill – the vast majority don’t, but they can control you so that you lose your own ambition and life dreams…
Are you thinking of leaving this relationship (as it is likely to get worse not better)…. do you have people around you to support you? DO NOT isolate yourself from friends and family – please stay in touch!!
I dated a sociopath in my early 20’s and she hit every single one of these traits right on the head. She was later diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, BiPolar Disorder, and also told she lacked the ability to feel empathy. She didn’t work the entire time we were together, moved in with me after a couple months, and when she moved past the seduction/charm phase and into the ruination it was like flipping a switch. Literally one day we’re affectionate and loving and she’s telling me I’m the greatest thing in the world, and the next day I get home and she’s barely speaking to me. Not being crazy myself, I assumed either I did something to upset her or she was upset about something else and wasn’t ready to talk about it, so I tried to give her some space. Only she stayed mean and distant and downright abusive for the next two months until I finally had enough and broke up with her.
People should note that there are other personality disorders that look a lot like sociopaths until you dig deeper though. My most recent ex was a high-functioning Borderline and she hits all but a few of these markers. The difference is that, while she’s charismatic and parasitic and a pathological liar, she feels deep, deep shame about it. She lies mostly due to the amount of shame she feels. She also didn’t have the huge ego or the predatory stare, but every other trait you listed describes her perfectly. Borderlines go through that same Honeymoon Phase, followed by the ruination, but it’s because they lack the ability to see grey areas. You are either the greatest thing in the world and their soul-mate and the most perfect person that ever lived, or you’re the scum of the earth and everything you do is wrong. If you experience that sort of “splitting” with your crazy partner, you’re probably dealing with a Borderline and not a Sociopath. The good news is that Borderlines can get treatment and have the ability to get better, but the bad news is that they very rarely do.
Anyway, point being, if you feel like you’re dating a Sociopath, but you notice your Sociopath seems to have feelings like guilt and shame and remorse, they’re probably a Borderline instead. Either way though, it’s probably best to run far, far away.
Thank you for your comments River. Yes I do agree that there are a lot of similarities between BPD and Sociopathy. Difference is that Sociopaths literally have no conscience and feel no shame for their behaviour. Thank you for your comment. 🙂
Hi, I match all the characteristics of a sociopath and if anyone can help me understand how I’ve become this person and help me change that’ll be grateful. Can someone email me on email@example.com and tell me what I can do. Thanks
Are you serious Brian? Why do you post your email here, which is a University of Greenwich email? Are you doing research? Are you a lecturer?
No I’m not a lecturer, I’m a student there. The reason I chose to give my uni email is just I don’t want to give my personal one. I’m very serious about this, I’ve only realised recently that I’ve been a sociopath. My girlfriend broke up with me recently and she’d accused me of being a sociopath, ever since then I’ve just been researching what a sociopath is and everything I’ve read about it has related to me. What I’d like to do is speak to someone personally to try and see how you become one and what to do to stop being one. Is this alright?
Realistically, I would doubt you are a sociopath. As a sociopath wouldn’t give their university email address. As that could easily be tracked. A sociopath is deceptive (in every way) would set up a fake hotmail account?
What makes you think you are one? Or are you working on a project. No way would any sociopath give a REAL link to them – not ever. They are fake all the way through. They go to great lengths to cover their tracks and take great pleasure in that (unless of course you are using someone elses uni account?)
Thank you this!!!! I recently started having an affair with a married man. We were great friends for over 4 years and recently started the affair. I knew it was wrong but he just so charming and I enjoyed every moment being with him (even when we were not having sex). After reading this article I discovered that he fits 15 out of 18 of these traits. I still know what I did was wrong and don’t expect forgiveness from anyone but this article made me help understand why I did what I did. It’s also giving me some more strength to stop and affair and walk away from this situation.
Omg! I Married one – divorced him after 20 years and now I’m dating one! Lord help me!
Aargh did you meet him not long after you split with your ex Nicole? As they are great at coming in offering to be so different to your ex, listening to all of your weaknesses, and then using those weaknesses against you, to manipulate and abuse you 😦
I had the unfortunate luck of meeting and falling in love with 2 different sociopaths at different times. Looking back here is some tell tale behavior:
-Saying things that have a double meaning: something innocent, and something especially for you. Plausible deniability.
-Implying something is stupid by scoffing at it or laughing, but not saying outright. You end up thinking you originated this thought but it was planted in your mind.
-Implying others are inferior. This isolates you from friends and you idolize him
-If they ruin their favorite shirt or miss out on a party they get huffy and throw a tantrum like a child
-Gas lighting. I asked him “are we exclusive?” he says “this is nuts, why don’t you trust me? why do we always have this conversation?” puts the blame on you, avoids the question
-Sex could be enjoyable but ultimately felt like something he was giving himself
-No cuddling or desire for closeness. He absently strokes you like he would a blanket or a toy. Both guys I met slept on their backs. There’s no “nestling”
-Never puts it in writing. Relationship is all real time conversation so it can change, you can doubt what happened
-Gives less than he gets. You send a short text, you get an even shorter one back. Hours later. Everything is power and control.
-Get the feeling I might as well not be there, as he is singing, whistling or talking to himself in really absurd voices.
-Prolonged unexplained silences, mid conversation or mid sentence. Used to keep you on the hook, dominate you, and make you uncomfortable.
-Prolonged eye contact. Cold aggressive expression. Something reptilian about their eyes, especially after they just woke up.
-His exes are all “crazy” and they are still in love with him
-In a situation where I assumed he would feel guilty, I would say “Well you might be feeling bad about ___” he replied “I don’t feel bad about it”
-Dislikes members of his family that don’t “serve” him. Never talks about family or wants to connect with them.
-Interacting with children is narcissistic. “they’re like a little version of me” or otherwise totally indifferent.
-No expository small talk. They only reveal things about themselves if they are building their ideal image, personality mirroring, or trying to imply something to you.
Hi Steph, Welcome to the site 🙂 I met a guy like this, but he was a narcissist. I found the sociopath to be charming (to your face) but can change and switch. The outside mask was good guy, what was going on behind the scenes was worse than you could think of.
I believe I was one of those..at the time we do it we don’t realise what we were doing..I treated my ex girlfriend badly..I let her down I destroyed her life..now all I wish is for her to be happy..I hope she met someone who is taking care of her..I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done to her..I was weak I was an asshole..I was not a real man..after she left me I realised what I’ve done but it was too late..I got all the help I could to become a better person but I can’t forget..I took responsibility for my actions and deserve to be punished..I would advise women who are in the hands of a two faced person(sociopath) to leave immediately..get help get support and work hard to be peaceful..I am still punishing myself for wat I’ve done..emotional abuse can affect a person in the long term..I can now see that she is happy with someone else and there can be no bigger satisfaction..I am still working in myself and I believe people can change..the way your mind works and thinks may affect your decisions..I am not making any excuse for sociopaths but if a person gets help to be a better human and learn from the past then it’s a path we have to take
I didn’t think that Sociopaths learned from the past? They learn about loss. They regret (for themselves) the loss of supply. But again, it is all about you.
This is great! My exhusband is this person. He lied and cheated on me and then told everyone I did it to him. The funny thing is, he just married his next victim. A 39 old girl who has never been married, met her online and married her and had a baby all in 1 1/2 years time. The said part is, I feel so bad for her. I just hope she got a prenup, otherwise he’ll take everything.
HOLY MOELY! This is so true! My husband of 7 years is 100% Sociopath. We are currently going through a divorce and he is makking my life a living hell. We have two children so I am trying to keep them out of the middle but he keeps manipulating them to say what he wants them to say to guilt me into staying together with him. It seems like he will NEVER let me go! I wish he would meet someone so he would leave me alone. He’s mentally unstable! WaTCH OUT FOR RED FLAGS LADIES, OR YOU WILL REGRET IT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE1
Here’s a useful thing – sociopaths cannot tolerate BOUNDARIES. Try this test when they want to use your car, or want something else of yours…
#2) Because I said so. (i.e. the rules on using my things are not up to a group vote. My things – my rules.)
-True adults (but there are so few of them) will not really be bothered.
-Mildly immature people will sulk a little. (Remind them that “no” is just “no;” not because you don’t love them, etc. For this issue, the answer is “no”)
-Really immature people will be screaming babies.
-If someone threatens any sort of RETALIATION for not giving them what they want, that’s a red flag. Get away now and don’t look back – ANY sort of retaliation is a warning that your SAFETY might be in danger in the future.
-If someone verbally cuts you down, calls you names, denigrates you – that’s kind of a red flag, too. Or if they “hate you, hate you, hate you!” Or hit.
Boundaries are like Garlic to psychopaths and sociopaths. Use them to keep yourself SAFE.
Great comment Steve, and so very true. I think I wrote a post a long time ago called the sociopath test for those who were confused – when the sociopath is being good kind and nice and back in luring stage. You will always see the mask slip when you assert your own independence or say No to them. Sociopaths love to own and possess (you)…. when you say no to this, watch the narcissistic rage 🙂 fireworks fly 🙂
I dated a sociopath for about a month before leaving him because his behaviour and the fact that I was interested in someone else. When I left him and pursued the other guy, he came on at medium(?) speed and after two weeks of being (romantically) interested in him he started to be touchy feely. Now the same guy (before he left for a month) was showing signs of TRULY caring for me; but his friends say he’s leading me on, but the guy I like doesn’t know he’s leading me on(?) A few days befor he left on vacation he told my sister he liked me and then never mentioned it to me after that. I am very confused
Do you think Sociopaths can spot/recognize another Sociopath?
If so would they attempt to target another? If they do not recognize another is it possible for them to go forward in their pursuit and experience some form of what they have done to others?
I believe my sociopath ex may have met his match with his new fiance.
I came upon your blog while researching sociopaths. My xlover has been involved with one for 3 weeks. He married her at 2 weeks. They met 4 days after I was at his home for a visit. I noticed something was wrong when I no longer got texts or calls and he no longer answered mine. He finally called to tell me he had met someone (5 days before), how they had an immediate connection, the same outlook on life, how she had had breast cancer just like his wife, how she had an instant connection with his 12 year old son, how she had given him over $80k and was buing him a new luxury BMW the next day. “She is phenominal.” I was shocked and asked if he had googled her. His reply was that he knew all he needed to know about her. The last words I said to him (and will ever say) was “You are out of your mind.” From what I’ve read about sociopaths, she fits the picture. He met her on-line… her profile said she was looking for a good man and only about 4 more sentences… the shortest profile I’ve ever seen. She is unattractive, smokes, is LDS, and has a lifestyle (from what I can see on google) that is opposite of what this man was looking for. I could not, and still struggle to, understand how this could have all happened. I am angry at him for being so gullible and vulnerable. Now I’m just numb. I can’t understand how he left me with hardly a word after 5 years. It is frightening. The only thing I can grasp is that she is probably a sociopath. It breaks my heart knowing that I will never speak to or see this man again. I want no part of this situation. From the sounds of it, and knowing him, she will be in his life forever as he will always let her return. It is a sad, sad situation. Oh! And she doesn’t appear to have money. I’ve no idea how she got the money to give him so much. I assume from the last victim or she has ways of obtaining money that I am not aware of. All in all, crazy.
It’s unbelievable how on point this is. I don’t want to demonize people who are seriously mentally ill – because they get taken advantage of more than non-mentally ill people – but this does perfectly describe the guy I was recently taken by. In hindsight I feel so gullible and naive to have fallen for him but I was pulled in by his charm. *Mike was a MASTER of deception and made up these insane stories about his life that were somehow so believable coming from his mouth. He claimed to have earned multiple purple hearts in the Marines and to have worked on a presidential campaign, and to have been offered a government job. These were only the BEGINNING of his lies. He pulled me in so fast, and acted like he was in love with me and had just fallen hard for me, but it was a lie he used to make me dependent on him. Eventually he realized how dependent I had become and how invested I was in our relationship. He wasn’t prepared for me to ask so much from him so he made up excuses about how busy he was and would ignore me for hours, yet still claim he was always thinking about me and that we were in a serious, long term relationship (he was very dramatic). Every time he would we would see each other he would say how much he loved me and how sorry he was for being “so busy” which was a lie because he couldn’t hold down a job for more than a WEEK. I caught him in his deception at one point – I found information on the internet suggesting he had been married 5 times and had 5 kids which he did not provide for. I confronted him and was silly enough to fall for his lie that there were just crazy women out to get him, and that it was all a lie. Eventually, I found out it was true, after things ended. It turned out he was – surprise – using me for money. Once he found out I was broke he strung me along and messed with my head. There are so many more lies he told me but it still triggers me to talk too much about it. It ended very badly in one big blowout where I didn’t eat for 24 hours – it was rough but I’ve been moving on and am doing better.
What I learned from this is that if someone pulls you in as fast as this guy did – making us an exclusive couple immediately, without a dating period – BEWARE. It’s easier said than done because twisted people like *Mike are so charming and sexy that it’s difficult to resist. If your friends and family are uncomfortable LISTEN TO THEM because they know you best. *Mike also moved around frequently, did not have a career, and only worked jobs where he could be his own boss. At the time I just thought it was his personality but it’s really so he wouldn’t make connections with too many people. He had to win EVERY argument – if you could even call them arguments, because they were mostly him just yelling at me. He was NEVER wrong and NEVER apologized. I’m starting to ramble so I’ll leave it at that.
Most people aren’t like this, so don’t lose all trust or hope in people. But if your friends are warning you to be careful – and if a s/o doesn’t like that – you should think twice.
My therapist suggested I Google and read your blog, and as I just read it I realized that she is right and the guy I was dating (who cheated on me and had moved in with another girl one street over from where I live) is in fact a sociopath.
His brother died several times over, different ways. His mother died several times. His daughter (that most women he was with thought was his niece) has had many illnesses. Credit card fraud. Check fraud. No a lot of personal belongings. Everyone is trying to make him look bad. He is always (10+) years younger than he really is. And so much more.
I thank God that I was able to connect with friends of the new girlfriend (who connected her family with me) and she is not with him any longer either. I pray that she does not take him back. I did the once, and got hurt twice.
After reading your blog and answering “Yes, this is him” to every point you made I realize that I am lucky to be away from him. I will heal and know that I will find the person I am meant to be with. I actually do pray that he gets the help he needs, but know he will not. His own mother says all she can do is pray for him and I think that says it all.
Your therapist suggested that you read my blog missy? Wow I am flattered. Yes you will heal. it does take a time Missy as you have been abused but you can do it. As you can see from all of the strong people who visit this blog. it is incredible how they can fake illnesses and death or impending death with such sincerity when it is all bullshit…. but that is the way that they are – will say whatever they want to say to get whatever they want. No regard for anyone else or anyone elses feelings apart from their own.
I loved the post. I just wanted to point out that a women has the ability to be a sociopath, all be it this is rare, it does happen. As I read this I got chills and my hair on the back of my neck started to stand. Your words became so clear as I dissected my relationship with my ex. I am sure she is a sociopath, but as you know it is hard to prove as a sociopath will almost never go for therapy. As I find out more about her past I am convinced she is.
Again thank you for the post, enlightening.
Thanks Paul. This is one of my earlier posts on this site. Which were written towards the female victim of the male sociopath. In later posts they are written gender neutral.
unfortunately alot of the list could be alot of people or all of us at times.. most people dont like to have to work or like to get things for free.. it can be a difficult world for most people and , sorry but if you dont have the money, its only a matter of time before your friends start to wonder about your treating them like a bank.. if you dont look after yourself, and you dont have much, people wont be around anyway.. in a sense most people have little conscious for anybody but themselves.. your not paying your neighbors rent, are you! and you cant really care about everyones problems , its not possible, most men know , that if they are truthful , it wont get them anywhere with women. sorry but , most men that are successful with getting women into bed, are not truthful. women just wouldnt accept them. so your list is not a exact science in my opinion. i would say most women lie as much as they tell the truth anyway, seems to be there norm.. men are more optically stimulated then women are, because a man may be attracted to a women and not want to know her or deal with her bullshit, is not devient in my opinion, but because your women and you dont think this way, you may consider a man devient because he naturally is sexually stimulated by your contures, face skin . etc.. so the stare thing, is the man thinking you could be sexually satisfying to him. not necessarly predatory.. he could simply be looking for a reciprical (forgive my spelling) fullfillment.. i have a problem lying, basically because it takes to much effort. to remeber lies.. for me its not worth it, too much trouble to keep up with.. but not caring about what others think! you got to be kidding.. if i walked around all day caring about what others think , i wouldnt be able to function.. who gives a shit.. if your not hurting anybody and your happy, it doesnt matter at all what the next idiot thinks, like i should live my life like they do.. so this chart, isnt all real to me. to most people the world revolves around what consumes them , their relationships, family , and security.. so you could say we are all sociapaths to some degree..by this list.. the scary sociopath to me is the one that doesnt care what they do to others.. and has no conscious . but guess what folks , what kind of a world is it really anyway, where are borders are formed by war..and killing. and our economies by control and monopolizing? a animal kindom of devouring . a insect world of devouring, and a world system of money to control, where 1% have most all the power, and domination over the rest of us. and guess what most of us would respect someone that seemed to be able to do something for themselves or appeared to have means. How these people came to own the giant department store you shop in or own the expensive house you admire, or make a billion $ dropping poison flouride in your drinking water..and sprayed on all your u.s.a food. who are the sociapaths? and who supports them, maybe we all do!
Wow, you sound professonal at rationalization. Sooooo…
1. If a guy is attracted to a woman, but doesn’t want to know her (outside the Biblical sense), or “put up with her bullshit”, it’s okay to lie to her to satisy your need/desire for sex by defrauding her… because “most women lie as much as they tell the truth anyway; seems to be their norm”—but you “have a problem lying…” (that part, I buy into!)
2. “If you don’t have the money, it’s only a matter of time before your friends start to wonder about your treating them like a bank…” (You either have very forgiving friends, or you are the guy they hate to see coming. I hate to tell you this, but YOU are not the norm. An intelligent person would eventually let go any such “friend” who isn’t family.)
3. “…is the man thinking you could be sexually satisfying to him. not necessarly predatory.. he could simply be looking for a reciprical fulfillment.” (Even if she does look back at you as though she’s attracted to you, it doesn’t mean she wants you to lie to her to fulfill YOUR needs—that’s the very evidence of your stare being predatory! We might want you, but we won’t necessarily f*ck you without reciprocation that meets OUR standards, not just YOURS! And yeah, of course you’re a lot less desirable with us knowing the broke, unemployed, lazy, charity-case wretch you are—you should be!)
4. Blah bliddy blah blah rationalizations about, because the government sets the bar so low and everyone’s doing it, it is okay to represent the socio status quo. (Ugh. I just don’t have words or energy here. You sounds as though circular thinking is your talent and I don’t want to begin to indulge that, given the above ridiculous points.)
There is a lot of lying and depersonalization in our society. That is true. You said ” the scary sociopath to me is the one that doesnt care what they do to others.. and has no conscious . but guess what folks , what kind of a world is it really anyway, where are borders are formed by war..”
This blog has talked mostly about individual pathology not social issues. In person, sociopathy is black and white – you just might never have met a true sociopath.
The question is, do you want to be evil and immature like others, or to grow to someone better, someone YOU are proud of ? Believing in a universally futile, sad world of evil is giving up to it.