It can be hard to sink in that Mr or Mrs Perfect that you have been dating is actually a sociopath. You might search the internet looking for answers. You come up with a list of traits from the DSM about sociopaths, and you question is he/she really a sociopath? You read the list, and still you are not sure, after all he/she was just so ‘nice’. Yes you have started to discover things, but you are still not sure, you are confused.
The following is top 18 traits that are red flags. Traits that show that the person you are dating could potentially be a sociopath.
1. Charismatic and charming
For the sociopath, image is everything. At least the image that he/she gives to the outside world. When you first meet, you will be bowled over at just how charismatic and charming he/she is. He will constantly flatter you. Sometimes this will seem false to you, He/she might tell you how incredible that you look. You know that this isn’t true. You just got out of bed, sat in your dressing gown, no makeup, and yes, you did actually see yourself in the mirror. Despite this he will insist that you are the most amazing person that he has ever seen in his life. Your mind tells you that this is probably not true, but we push this to the back of our minds. At the centre of who we are as human beings, we tend to like people who like us. It is flattering and it feels good. You will notice that the sociopath will not just charm you, but will also be charming to everyone that he comes into contact with, including and especially everyone that is close to you.
His words are smooth and fast, and he is never stuck for something to say. He can be amazing company, and can light up your life with energy, charisma, and promises of a rich and bright future ahead. He focuses all of his attention on you, and makes you feel like you are the most amazing person that he has ever met in his life.
2. Superficial and glib
A sociopath will say just about anything to anyone to get what he wants. He is smooth, and words rolls words out of his mouth, without even thinking. There is something about the tall stories that he tells, which just do not ring true. Surely NOBODY could have been through that much, you tell yourself. The things that he tells you and everyone else around you seem to be said for the façade for show.
You might witness him/her being one person with a certain person, and somebody completely different with somebody else. He will say one thing one day, and if you change your mind next day, he can change his mind to accommodate you. If it seems too good to be true, and things are not ringing true, that is your inner voice warning you. Ignore at your peril.
3. Lack of connection to their past
It is often too late and you are emotionally involved, by the time that you realise you haven’t met anybody from his past. He/she often moved to your city/town for work reasons, or some other excuse. Or maybe you met online. At first it doesn’t occur to you that you have never met anybody of significant importance to him. There are no lifelong friends, no family members who come to visit. After a while you will ask, but he will make excuses.
Most people do not meet others close in the very initial stages of a relationship; it’s usually an intimate time. Because of this, at first, you do not notice this lack of connections from his past. It is as the relationship progresses, and after you have introduced him to everyone that is close to you, you start to wonder, when you will meet people that he is close to?
Somebody who is as perfect as he/she seems, who is as charismatic as they are, who meets people so easily, would have other people from their past in their life. And if you are the love of their life, as they so frequently tell you, then they would be keen to show you off to people close to him/her.
4. Huge ego
All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Because of this, all sociopaths have a huge ego. When you meet, they will tell you a huge list of things that make them sound absolutely remarkable. They will talk of big business plans, success that they have had in the past. How in demand they are in with the opposite sex (but how they have chosen you, because you are special. They will talk of incredible success with careers. And most definitely brag of how amazingly skilled they are in bed.
They will sell themselves to you, like a top notch car salesman selling his cars on the parking lot. He will not care that everything told to you is a lie. He creates a wonderful fantasy of himself. Designed to ensnare and impress you. He will make you feel how lucky you are to have met someone as amazing as his smooth dazzling self.
5. They play victim
Of course, if all the only part of his persona that you saw was his ego, it would be quite off putting. After all, nobody likes a show off. It is therefore important to the sociopath to play victim. He will tell tales of how awful his childhood was. How he was treated badly by his exes. What a wonderful caring person he is. He will make up incredible stories, designed to evoke pity and sympathy. If he is almost caught in a lie, he will try to deflect attention from this, and try to make you feel sorry for him. You will find that often when almost caught he will suddenly be very ill and almost need hospital attention. He tells tales of terrible life threatening illnesses of those close to him (who you have never met, and most likely never would).
His ability to switch to victim mode will make you feel sorry for him. Will take attention away from the truth that you are so close to discovering. It will make him seem weak and vulnerable. It will encourage you to open up to disclose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It will build a false sense of trust and a fake bond, which is felt when two people share their vulnerabilities.
6. They want to spend ALL of their time with you – showers you with attention and flattery
At first it can feel flattering. The sociopath, once they have selected you as an appropriate target, makes you the centre of attention and the focus of their world. They bombard you with telephone conversations, texts, and he wants to see you every minute of every day.
At first this is flattering. But after a while you long to see old family and friends. You wish that he/she had his own family and friends to spend time with. But as his are not around, you introduce him to your own inner circle. You become as inseparable as twins separated at birth. This not only moves the relationship forward incredibly fast, before you are ready, but creates a false sense of intimacy, which is mirrored from relationships of couples that are falling truly and deeply in love.
7. Sexual charisma and magnetism
All sociopaths have a great deal of testosterone. They will stare you straight in the eyes, a look which can feel sometimes uncomfortable. As sociopaths do not particularly care what others think of them and have big egos you will feel a great sexual chemistry. Before you sleep with them, they will brag to you how amazing that they are in bed. Mostly, this is the one time that they are telling the truth.
A sociopath usually has good staying power in bed. And can last far longer than most non sociopaths. They have energy to burn and love to show off their sexual prowess in bed. This chemistry between you can leave your heart racing, and you begging for more. When it comes to sex, a sociopath rarely says no. You will feel sexually very connected and compatible. Again misleading you into thinking what a great match you both are together. Sociopaths are often very sexy due to high levels of testosterone.
9. They are compulsive pathological liars, and when confronted will do anything to protect the lie
Most people feel uncomfortable telling a lie, and usually need to confess the lie and have a need to be honest. A sociopath is opposite to this. A sociopath actually feels uncomfortable telling the truth.
The lie is his weapon. It is his protection from the outside world. Sociopaths lie about everything and everything. They will make up huge stories, lies that they would obviously get caught out about later on, they will continue to tell, and when you are close to revealing the lie, they will lie further to protect the lie. Protecting the lie is more important than your feelings.
When caught in a lie a sociopath will always
- · Change the subject
- · Blame someone else
- · If pushed will become angry, and point out your shortcomings, but rarely will he ever admit to the lie.
The only exception to this is when his lies are so close to becoming uncovered, he knows that he risks losing you, and he has not yet finished with you for source for supply. In this case, he can confess lots of lies. And apologise for lying to you. He would do this only in a drastic situation, and would do this to rebuild trust, so that he could continue to manipulate you and use you some more.
10. Lives like a parasite
Sociopaths cannot really see the point of working hard for long hours and little pay. There are far easier ways for them to obtain things for free. Often a sociopath will see YOU as his/her career option. At first you will not mind. After all, the relationship has moved with speed, and you are now sharing your life together. He will give glib promises, of how he will repay you, how special you are. You are made to feel like he is doing you a huge favour.
Sociopaths love getting anything for free. They see this as ‘winning’ and it makes them feel good. It makes them feel good for two reasons.
- It shows how stupid other people are (and therefore how clever they are)
- It enables them to have the very best in life, with very little stress, effort, responsibility or commitment.
All sociopaths do this, even those who work. Even high functioning sociopaths like certain politicians, who put in false claims for expenses and live off a great life at the tax payers’ expense.
11. Comes on strong and moves fast
If you meet someone and they are keen to move the relationship forward fast, be aware. Somebody who has faith and confidence in who they are will want to spend time getting to know you, learning about you. Finding out all they can, to ensure that you are a good match for them. After all, not everyone is compatible.
If you meet someone and they stay at yours from the beginning and by 6 weeks they move their things in, and propose marriage be wary. Take a step back. A sociopath always moves fast, and comes on strong. They do this to stop you from changing your mind, from seeking opinions from other people (which might be negative towards him), and by increasing the maximum amount that he can scam you for. He is keen, yes, but not on you, on what he can get from you. And the sooner he can begin this process, the better. He never knows how long he will be around for.
12. Seems to have so much in common with you, appears a ‘soulmate’ connection
A sociopath, not really experiencing real true emotions of his own, is capable of mimicking the emotions wants and needs of others. He will mirror you to be your perfect partner.
You will be surprised, at just how much you have in common. You seem to have so many common interests, and also common goals in life. You appear to have a deep connection, which almost feels spiritual. You can feel that you have known each other for years, or even many lifetimes.
If you are dating someone and you appear to have so much in common, that you feel like you almost like one person in two bodies, be aware. It could be a genuine connection, but it also has the risk, that you have met a sociopath who has already assessed you, and is now mirroring back to you, everything you are, everything that you need, and everything that you want him to be.
13. Socially isolates you
One of the reasons that a sociopath will come on strong, and bombard you with affection, is because he wants you to not have the time to see other people. If he does this he has you all to himself. He will feel jealous of other people in your life. He will do anything to put you off of spending time with those that he feels is a threat to his existence.
Within a short space of time, you can find that you are no longer spending time with people who were once close to you. By socially isolating you, it makes you more difficult to leave. You become reliant and dependent on him. Thinking that this is all that you have left in your life, he is the only one who understands you. If you look back and realise that you see less people in your life now, than when you first met, this is not a good sign.
In a healthy relationship, you are encouraged to spend time with whatever friends that you choose. You are encouraged to grow and to have space to breath. A sociopath rarely gives you breathing space. You will end up feeling that you do not have time for anything or anyone else.
14. Is very dramatic
Sociopaths are always dramatic. They tell big stories, are manipulative and deceptive. They appear to be larger than life characters. They are always charming, and he always has a story to tell. They are smooth talkers and they stand out. He loves to be the centre of attention. They do not mind having dramas or who sees them doing this, as they simply ‘do not care’. They are either dramatically telling lies, manipulating, deceiving, being dramatic victims, or dramatic pleadings that they will change. Whatever they do, they will always seem larger than life. Sociopaths LOVE drama. they are drawn to it like magnets. If there isn’t any drama, well they will create some.
15. Lack of life plan and long term goals
Some sociopaths work, but most do not. If they do work, they can rarely hold down a job for too long as they do not like routine, or being told what to do. Often they think that working is beneath them, and treat work with contempt. After arguments a sociopath might promise to change. But this is not very likely.
They do not make long term goals like everybody else. They are so busy lying cheating, manipulating and scamming. It is as if they do not have the time to make goals in life. Most people realise that to have anything in life they need to work hard for it. A sociopath works hard, for himself as he works hard at scamming and cheating others. But he cannot see why he would need to work hard to get things like holidays, or anything else. Although he will promise you that this is exactly what he plans to do. He will make plenty of promises, which will rarely come true.
A sociopath is so consumed by the drama of today, what is happening in the next few months do not seem of importance. They will lie today, and not think about how this will affect them in the future.
16. Immaturity
Most sociopaths are also very immature. Because they cannot learn from mistakes and keep repeating the same mistakes over, they are unable to grow up, and act in a more mature manner that has respect for another human being, for their rights, their welfare or thinking about their needs.
Like a teenager they are demanding (masked with charm), and very selfish. They only think of their own needs (what is in it for me)? A sociopath is unable to put the needs of others before their own needs. A sociopath thinks that the entire world revolves around them.
17. Predatory stare
- Ok, they don’t all look THIS crazy…. but this is an example of predatory stare!! Jimmy Saville – definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse.
It is not just the ‘stare’ (see above) The sociopath also comes up CLOSE. It can feel quite uncomfortable, as he focuses his gaze onto you. His body language, gives you little space to breath. You can literally feel like you are ‘prey’. Sometimes the sociopath looks at you like you are his next lunch and he is very hungry! At first, this is flattering, later into the relationship it can feel ‘suffocating.
18. Will always blame someone else – lack of remorse, guilt or shame
When a sociopath has had a sociopathic meltdown (remember most of the time he has his mask on), you will see signs of insanity. The sociopath is deceptive and manipulative, and will cheat, lie and con. But you will not be aware of this.
When the sociopath is caught in his actions, he will show a total lack of remorse, guilt or shame. You might be shocked. This is a side that you have not seen before. Usually when the sociopath is behaving this way, he is often in ruining stage and just will ‘not care’ there will be no empathy for how you are feeling. He will show no remorse, guilt or shame for his actions.
It will all be somebody else’s fault. A sociopath will never admit to his wrong doings, instead he will either blame someone else, or ignore you, and your pain and move onto a new source for supply.
Sociopaths are very deceptive about who they are
Words © datingasociopath.com
Dating a Sociopath 
Oh2bfree! IS FREE!!! After not paying any of his bills for November and December without him realizing it, I was able to save enough money to get my own place and have an emergency savings account to take care of me! I got a job and that was my cue to move forward. Blocked him from calling/texting me, warned my friends and family of the upcoming badgering they too would receive since he couldn’t get in touch with me. (He’s out on the road usu. a couple months at a time.) No one would take his calls. Sure it drove him crazy. Serves him right! I moved into my new place 12/14/13. Closed all joint accounts/utilities. He came home the following Tuesday to an empty house and a note letting him know I couldn’t trust him, didn’t love him, sure didn’t need him and was over it! Divorce papers will be sent via mail. NO CONTACT in any other way.
Not sure if he is still here. Don’t care. Wont go near that side of town. I am in hiding. He has no idea where I live, where I work, how to contact me. It’s like I fell off the planet! This feels FABULOUS!!! It can be done. Don’t give up on yourself. You are worth every effort to rid yourself of the parasite in your life! Realize that you deserve better and fight for yourself! No one will do it for you, but hopefully you will have friends/family/coworkers/counselors/etc who will support and assist you. Seek them out! There is support out there. Don’t give up. The strength is within you and grows as you go!! Even if you have to leave in secret, leave everything familiar behind, move to another town and live in a shelter, it will be worth it. You will rebuild your life and you will learn what not to fall for in the future. You have to put yourself first above all else. Don’t let your SP rob you of any more of your precious life!
And I believe its important to not allow yourself to become totally untrusting of everyone you meet and bitter. I started to do that, but have to keep in mind that about 4% of the population is SP; that means 96% are not. But it is important to listen, stand back, and observe the people you meet with a discerning eye. Be careful to protect yourself by not giving too much too soon. I also had to take a hard look at myself and admit some difficult things about myself that contributed to me being in this type of relationship. I have had low self esteem my entire life. At 51, it’s time to get over that too. I am fine the way I am. And getting better each day I’m SP free!
I’m sure there will be loneliness down the road, but I am learning to be my best friend, to enjoy time with me; to put at least as much effort into taking good care of me as I did in taking good care of my SP. Don’t give them that much power. Take their power away by taking back your life! You can do it!!!
That was a great comment, wonderfully inspiring. Congratulations for passing a monumental life test!
Thank you Aesa! I feel really good about myself now and have released the guilt of all the things I had to do to get free. I did what I had to do to save me. Hope I never have to go through anything like this again.
Oh2bfree,
Awesome post! That’s exactly how the subspecies needs to be dealt with!
Excellent plan and good move!
There comes a time when Empathy and low self-esteem gets tossed aside and action must be taken.
You had a great awakening! Very inspiring!
Loved reading your post, thanks for sharing!
I spent the day research more stories and began to see a very disgusting pattern. I could see just how lost people become and how overpowering these types can be, it all began to look exhausting and insane as I tried to pretend for a moment I did not have the same encounters, but just reading out of curiosity. Suddenly, the details and the stories began to seen exhausting and literally makes the victims seem as though they have become partially mentally ill.. Haha! Wow, it made me say to myself, this is not how I Want to appear ever again, then I had to take myself beck into understanding how subtle the process is. It literally sneaks up on you, these personality types are very dangerous! There is good reason why they say RUN! Even the best and brightest can sink from this evil, sadistic and toxic personality disorder.. No joke – it’s very serious and if anyone snaps out of sleep walking from such a trauma they are truly lucky in so many ways! It’s hard, but inspiring to see a no tolerance approach when the realization hits to leave. Communicating with others in advance and letting people know of a plan and warning of attempts to communicate with the monster seems much better than trying to warn people while your still idle or slowly trying to escape! That was smooth planning and I don’t know you, but you certainly have my respect and I am so proud of you for putting yourself first and doing everything possible to disappear! Very inspiring and I am sure many women need to see your post. Thank you for sharing!
Perhaps my experience will help others break free of their misery. I had to do some awful, uncomfortable things, but they were all worth it. He did so much worse to me. I felt much guilt for a while because I was doing things against my nature, but it was all for self preservation and my mental and physical health was worth the extreme measures taken. I forgive myself and want others to follow suit! Living in peace is incredible!
Oh2bfree,
I just read your comment again and I am LAUGHING OUT LOUD! Hahahah! Love it!
Oh2bfree,
I just read your comment again and I am LAUGHING OUT LOUD! Hahahah! Love it!
I find myself doing the same thing! What a celebration I am having!
Great story, Oh2bfree. I am glad you were able to get out of that situation. My respects to you.
I just hope that sharing my experience will inspire those who feel stuck and overpowered. Paybacks are a bitch and no one deserves to have their life turned upside down more than the person who turned my life upside down. Even as determined as I was to escape, I found myself doing small things to “help” my SP adjust to life without me! For instance, I stacked his mail in order of importance to get handled, made files for his paperwork, alphabetized them and put them in a storage bin. I made sure his house had utilities (in his name instead of mine!) and moved my insurance from our joint policy so his wouldn’t cancel. These people make you pity them, even after they have destroyed your life and your self esteem! At first I felt like a fool for doing these things. But my actions only prove I have a heart – unlike the SP. For that, I can be proud of myself.
For those afraid that your SP will come after you…that’s not necessarily true. Mine arrived at his empty house, found the note I left him, and reportedly bounced. I’ve heard through the grapevine that he called one of his friends here in town all distraught and told him I left him and took everything for no reason. (Gee! Knew that was coming – so predictable in that regard!) He asked his friend to go out to the house in the country, put a padlock on the garage, turn the well pump off, drain the pipes and make sure the heat is turned off. Apparently he was in such shock that he couldn’t even take care of the immediate needs. Apparently, he spent no more than 5 minutes at the house and left. Bet he resembled a balloon (all full of himself) walking in and a leaking balloon as he left with all his “self” being deflated and sending him in multiple directions!! LMAO!!!!!! That’s what taking their control away looks like Great picture huh!!!
Sucks for him that he couldn’t keep his shit together long enough to stick around and take care of his home and his mail. I’m sure he hasn’t made arrangements for the deposits on his utilities, so they will be turned off. Sure he didn’t take the time to open up a new bank account since our joint account was closed, and so is unable to get his insurance, Harley payment, child support, house payment, etc., made on time. Cancellations, late fees, and negative credit reporting to follow! All my efforts to “help” him were in vain. He took care of no business even though I made it easy for him. My leaving blew his mind to bits – at least momentarily. And perhaps this sounds evil, but there’s a great deal of satisfaction in that thought. He just thought he had me beat down and dependent; and he did…for far too long…but I finally woke up and took action!
THE POINT: Our life is ours. How we choose to live it is completely up to us. We can choose to remain a victim, or we can do whatever it takes to escape a horrible situation. Get tunnel vision. Think “me first”. No one else will ever put you first. YOU have to do that. Everyone else is dealing with their own stuff; and although there are people who will help and support you as you get yourself out, they will not always put or keep you a first priority like you will.
I had to do things that go against every grain in my body and soul. I had to tell him lies; make him think everything between us was good; sleep with him when he would come home and be “normal” in his presence; make him think that I still loved him; that I was still dependent upon him; that I was still looking for a job while I was actually at work. I had to keep secrets. I had to think like him. What an incredibly uncomfortable way to live! I was a nervous wreck; my palms were always clammy, my heart beat was faster than normal all the time, panic attacks were frequent, my mind wouldn’t shut down. Yet I knew I had to take care of myself, so I took lots of vitamins, got some sleeping pills so I could sleep, and used my excessive energy to make my getaway plans and go through everything in our house to sort his stuff from mine. I wanted nothing of his in my new life and home. I educated my self through websites like this one and others.
I know many of you reading these posts are in situations worse than mine, but I do hope that you will gain strength from educating yourself and gain empowerment from success stories of those who are now SP free. The peace I now have is overwhelming. Yes, I still have to live with my guard up and remain in hiding for a while, but that won’t be forever. All of this will sink in for him eventually, and he may come back at me with a vengeance some time down the road. But already, the second thing an SP fears most is happening and I didn’t have to do a thing…he is being found out. His friends are learning through the grapevine that I left because of his lies and infidelities. They realize he lied about his morality and core personality to them too and they are not too happy about that. Most likely, he will move out of town, because he really has nothing left here. When he realizes that, he will leave, tail tucked between his legs…a vision that delivers great joy and relief!!!
Believe in yourself.
Stay strong and determined.
You can do this!
Isn’t it weird how these people can’t handle owning a home, or a car, or having a checking account? I believe you could GIVE them everything they would need for the rest of their lives and they would figure out a way to lose it all in a very short time. I actually gave my ex a fairly nice car, and within 3 months he had traded it off for something else and was without transportation.
Pretty amazing – and oh, so not my problem any more!!! YAY!
PS: Not only am I happier and more at peace, so is my dog! Didn’t realize the stress he was under! He would avoid my SP most of the time. I should have paid more attention. He was much more intuitive than I was!
I think it’s sexist and ridiculous that you always label psychopathy as a male-exclusive diagnosis. I’m a guy and I dated a female psychopath. It’s clear all you did was research the Hare psychopathy checklist and extrapolate based on your experience, not proven psychological fact.
It’s not sexist its a blog about me dating a male sociopath. It started as a personal blog. Am flattered that you think it was ever intended to be anything else. When I began I was writing TO my ex. Besides the majority of sociopaths are males. Females exist. Often they have labels such as histrionic or bdp if you read the post ‘female sociopath’ I explain my views of female sociopaths.
What exactly is ‘psychological fact’ I write what I observed.
If you’re writing about a diagnosis as complicated as psychopathy/sociopathy/ASPD, yes you certainly can write based on experience, and it’s a good thing people can read this, but a lot of these symptoms can present in diagnoses such as Asperger’s Syndrome and even PTSD…there’s even pseudo-psychopathy syndrome brought on by an STD…so if someone’s partner has something that presents similar to psychopathy and the person reads this blog, they might assume the worst and not give their partner a chance. I score a 38 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist but I’m still not a psychopath. I just have Asperger’s and PTSD and low self esteem and more, all of which can present with at least one or two of the symptoms you described. I’m just saying you should mention this as well.
I had been diagnosed with severe chronic ptsd. And I think I probably had (not diagnosed) aspergers all my life. Neither of those things made me manipulative deceptive or turned me into a liar, a master of illusion and deception and I have never used anyone else for my own selfish gain. Ever. I write about sociopathy.
@ Nik K,
Yes, the females are dangerously scary without conscience too! The women who have been broken and severely affected by the charm, manipulation and deceit all seem to express a similar pattern which is helpful to the public in learning how these types operate! You can at least be helpful by sharing your story and what she was like in the early stages of the relationship! For instance, what captivated you, was she immediately cold, or overly compensating with kind gestures and quick to enter the relationship etc,. It’s important to express detail so that everyone can begin to see if female SP’s share an exact same pattern or slightly different yet common pattern of their own. Women can be just as dangerous and real scary too, because I watched a DNA court tv case the other day and this poor man had to spend 5 years in prison, because this evil lady decided to create false DNA documents without him getting tested for paternity and had the man lose 5 years of his life in prison with murderers and rapist along with other Sociopath’s because the system failed and just took her false documents without testing his DNA for proof. She even looked like the devil too. Very trashy evil loser looking type and she targeted a specific man then ruined his life all over having a brief sexual encounter with her! I hate Sociopath’s, male and female! I believe I attracted male SP’s my entire life because now as I get older I realize my mother was an evil SP! I turned out to be the passive, soft never wanting to hurt anyone and trying to please type as a result constantly experiencing her highs and lows, rages then always turning the other cheek waiting for her seemingly wonderful, sweet charming, fun loving side to re-emerge – until one day I decided to run and not go back! She made me into a magnet for these personality disordered types.. My half siblings from her all inherited her evil genetic disorder and 3 of them she never raised and they have it, so it’s genetic! I had to cut ties with all of them and will not have children in the future to stop this nasty evil gene pool as coming from one, I can tell you I suffered emotionally growing up.. Somehow, I was smart enough to run away from home really young top escape my mother.. But, sadly, attracted men that were exactly like her or even worse.. I am changing that now, and in 2014 forward it’s not happening again and if and when it does, believe me it won’t last very long! Hopefully, you can share some of your bad experience to help enlighten us on some of the horrid things female abusers do as well. Everything counts! Believe me, we all would like to know! You may be helping hundreds of other men just like all the women in pain on this blog have that are experiencing what you have and save another person’s sanity and life! Hopefully, you will kindly share your nightmare with us too!
Well basically we met online and it was my first relationship. She asked me out before we even met. I agreed and we met up for a date. Things went well but she showed a lack of emotion, always wanting me to buy her stuff. she could talk for hours about nothing. And we got engaged after 3 months. I stopped buying her stuff and she broke it off
Have you ever wondered why your mom would be raging at one moment and calm and in peace the other moment ? Maybe she was abused in the past ,maybe she was struggling with PTSD !
Have you ever wondered why your mom would be raging at one moment and calm and in peace the other moment ? Maybe she was abused in the past ,maybe she was struggling with PTSD !my mom was just same as you described but I tried to understand her talk to her and soon became aware how severe her abusive tormenting past played a role in her behavior
LUIS f*cking MACHADO from mossvale! Best description of a sociopath in this blog and spot on in the case of this filthy old man! But karma always wins. Tick f*cking tock
My father is a sociopath, and I began dating one myself long distance at 19. She was charming, kind, funny, brilliant, and creative. She spoke well, wrote me beautiful poetry and would play trivia and mind games with me. At first we were just friends, I knew nothing about her personal life except she had a verbally abusive boyfriend who was cheating on her. We became very close friends, talking and texting hours a day. She became incredibly jealous of my real friends and started to isolate me from them. Everytime I had other plans, she would have an emotional crisis and need me. Her life revolved around me, and made it so that mine revolved around her. I was addicted to her and believed I couldn’t live without her. But then, whenever she was going to come see me, something would happen and she couldn’t come. Usually a crisis. She made up the most realistic detailed stories. I stupidly believed her.
We did get to spend a lot of time together, though, and the sex was great and she was totally charming. Long story short, we planned on moving in together. She was to fly in late December, but then she calls me from NY with a horror story about her cousins who were in a car wreck with their young daughter. The father died immediately, mother was in the ICU, and the 11 yr old had nowhere to go. So she stepped up to save the kid. The grandmother flew in, but hated the kid, so my gf was afraid to leave the kid with her. After a few more weeks, she decided to come see me with the kid to get away for bit. We had a lovely time, until She got the call that the mother and grandmother left the hospital and were MIA.
So gf took kid back to Australia after speaking with NYPD and children services. After a few months and no progress, and me feeling terribly depressed, gf flew me out to her where she could no longer hide her secrets. I quickly figured out the kid was hers, she never planned on moving in with me, there was no accident, she was older than she said was, and was married but separated. Everything was a lie. When I confronted her, she still denied it! She never apologized. She eventually did confirm her daughter, but still refused to own up to any more lies. I asked her why, and she said she didn’t know why she did it. I didn’t know then that she was a sociopath, but she is textbook, and so is my old man. I’m sure there is a Freudian explanation for why I was attracted to her.
My advice ( red flags to look for) don’t get close to someone who won’t talk about their past or always paints themselves as either victims or heroes. My gf did that a lot… also look out for someone who tries to isolate you from others. They like to divide and conquer, meaning they like to turn people against each other and then ally themselves privately with all individuals… this lets them maintain control. And avoid at all costs anyone who tries to get you to think you’re the crazy one. They have a way of doing something cruel, but then rationalize it, and in the end, will have you apologizing to them. If that happens to you, run. And if you suspect they’re lying or too good to be true… They are. Sorry.
Sorry, brother. As a member of the human civilization, I’m sorry it all happened to you.
@ ZIRCON,
Thanks for sharing your story about a female SP! So sorry this happened to you. I too have a parent like this (mother), if anyone has ever seen the movie Mommie Dearest, that’s how mine was at times! I discovered after several abusive relationships with men, that I was a magnet most of my life for SP’s as a result too.. Self reflection and questioning is a good start to breaking to cycle and quickly learning to detach from these types of people! The unnecessary lies are the worst part. They have so much to hide, yes, they isolate, divide and conquer. My mom did this to all of her children, and abandoned them too. Your story is the kind that would make an excellent real life documentary – movie script we can all learn a great lesson from – thanks for sharing, I feel your pain.. Lying about the kid and everything else after confronting the lies is the worst of shock. I just survived the same with a guy I knew for years.. I couldn’t believe he still attempted to lie and twist details of his recent actions even after being confronted to come clean. He tried to half way admit he realized he had a problem, but even that seemed contrived to manipulate and deceive even further since he was caught and confronted. He told me he was affected by me because of an emotional attachment with a sad look in his eyes, but I realized whatever emotion he was projecting only came from the fact he was caught and directly confronted about his own lies. It hurt so much, but I realize I never really knew who he was and our entire relationship was a lie. I think about the experience a lot, so glad I don’t have to see him anymore – game over! It still hurts, but I don’t want to see his face either.. So glad I know what I do and very thankful at least for that! Wishing you all the best in overcoming the deception and betrayal. Such a nightmare dealing with these types of people!
Been there, pal. So been there.
Realizing we NEVER were together made a huge difference. She never loved me.
Never. Not a single time she had the slightest feeling.
She perhaps enjoyed breaking me though. You know what i’m mad about ? Wasting so much time, precious years of my youth about that story and now, one month after i’ve been “deprogrammed” (thanks a lot to this website and its author btw) i feel sorry for myself.
And mad about the other sociopaths that went right into my weakness. Though i was a lot more prudent these times (of course), i couldn’t stop them from damaging my life or me to some extent.
And now i’m free, but it’s a very lonely place.
And it makes me happy. I’m glad i’m sad to be alone. I’m glad i can feel that, and i’m glad i’m “me”. I’ll have all the time i need to build healthy, beautiful relationships, and i enjoy every second of my life now. And i look forward to the future. And my life is already changing a lot, in a good way.
And every breath i take feels like a sigh of relief. And i often think “FINALLY ! i’m myself again, AT LAST ! Wünderbar ! ”
And that’s what i wish to all of you in 2014 : that we’ll be free, happy, and alone, so there’s now room for healthy relationships to grow.
And since we’re on the internet, i raise my glass of coffee to you. And wish you all the best. Take care ! (no, seriously, start by taking good care of yourself, that’s a huge first step).
Oh and my father’s a sociopath, and my mom’s pretty not-so-human as well.
@ David,
Everything you said is EXACTLY what I am feeling and thinking. At least there are men who have survived the same ordeal. I too was taken advantage of by other SP’s trying to recover from previous traumatic situations.. Certainly did not help given my mother is one of the sub species beings herself.. I hope this never happens to you nor anyone else that is now going through process of de-programming themselves. I am really mad at my ex for the mind games and all those years of my youth lost as well.. For some reason, I read a bit of the Scott Peterson details lastnight and the lies and games were so much the same. I am so angry, but relieved to understand what happened to me. It’s a terrible place to be.. I want to heal hope I can begin attracting normal and healthy relationships from now on. I am completely alone after all this, but all I can do is make new plans and hope to meet and eventually embrace better quality people! There must be a purpose and good reason we all now have a new found ability to understand such phenomena, it has been a soul tormenting experience, I want to heal and not remember this feeling ever again! I hope you feel better fast and that something beautiful comes your way and to everyone here seeking comfort for 2014! I hope all of us come out WINNING after this! Sending love and peace to everyone! Be well!
@ David,
“Everything you said is EXACTLY what I am feeling and thinking.”
High five 🙂
“At least there are men who have survived the same ordeal. I too was taken advantage of by other SP’s trying to recover from previous traumatic situations..
Certainly did not help given my mother is one of the sub species beings herself.. (not sure there is all the text you typed here, it’s late in my country … )
I hope this never happens to you nor anyone else that is now going through process of de-programming themselves. ”
Been there. Other SPs entering the breach … it really kept my head under water for a looooong time. That’s why i’m currently trying to stay alone. Some people just enjoy keeping you miserable and adding to your misery… that’s why i spent the holidays alone. I was invited to a few parties, but i stayed home instead, because it “felt” a lot smarter to re-build myself … i think my life will be a lonely place for the next months, and i’m glad that happens to me.
Lonely ? not so sure. But i like to stand tall, and proud, and having my mind set free.
“I am really mad at my ex for the mind games and all those years of my youth lost as well.. For some reason, I read a bit of the Scott Peterson details lastnight and the lies and games were so much the same. I am so angry, but relieved to understand what happened to me. It’s a terrible place to be..”
I so know this. The anger. We need to get over this … that’s the point of the way i spent the holidays and intend to spend the future months… years … now i’m myself again, and i start to make way better choices it seems.
What helped me was going through a good ol’ grieving process : she never loved me. We were NEVER together (at least not the way i thought we were), and so there was nothing anyway there for us. Only misery. It’s all well-designed scenarios in the purpose of breaking us. Why ? Because we are smart and talented and sensitive yet strong. They aren’t smart, talented or … let me laugh … sensitive ? One needs a conscience to be all these things ! One needs to have a normal brain, not a damaged one … Smile, for the smile on your face is true.
I want to heal hope I can begin attracting normal and healthy relationships from now on. I am completely alone after all this, but all I can do is make new plans and hope to meet and eventually embrace better quality people!
I’m with you here ! Don’t be scared of loneliness, embrace it. Beautiful occasion to spend time with yourself. It’s important. We need this.
There must be a purpose and good reason we all now have a new found ability to understand such phenomena, it has been a soul tormenting experience, I want to heal and not remember this feeling ever again! I hope you feel better fast and that something beautiful comes your way and to everyone here seeking comfort for 2014! I hope all of us come out WINNING after this! Sending love and peace to everyone! Be well!
Grow strong from what you’ve been through. Embrace who you are. Learn to know, accept and love yourself, i know i’ve recently discovered there was A LOT of potential in me. While i thought i was terrible as a person, i actually discovered a beautiful soul when digging up deeper. A very high level of sensitivity, yet lots of courage and strenght, in a responsible, talented package. Someone who tries to always honor his promises. Actually a great guy, only thing lacking is self-confidence and belief in my own worth.
Hope a lot of good things come your way this year and the years to come, and i wish you all the happiness possible, and lots of success in your career (or whatever it is you do, student, job-seeker … ) to have a normal love life again, one that sets you free so you’re free to date someone or stay single, healthy and rewarding relationships, and to enjoy each and every moment of your life … and simply i want to send to you and everyone that had been through the same hardship as us a lot of love and compassion.
Peace ! Get well, enjoy your life 🙂
(gosh,i need to hit the pillow, it’s already 2am in my country ! That’s sooo late, but i wanted to write an answer)
Oh and forgive me for talking so much about myself. It’s just that i happen to know the topic well and believe sharing my experience can be of some help (and it does me some good, too)
The relief you feel is the amazing high I’m on now too! Once you finally open your eyes and realize that not only has the SP been lying to you, you’ve been lying to yourself and denying the red flags. Once you stand back and look at the person you thought you knew and realize the depths someone is capable of going, and understand that you were attracted to that for a reason, and really own all of that, THEN you’re able to get your self free of the morbidly unhealthy “dependence” on your SP. One step leads to massive momentum and soon you do have your life back. Sometimes I have to pinch myself! Life is so incredibly good!! I have a modest job, a modest home, and a huge appreciation for the smallest things! Air even smells sweeter! I too hope victims will be able to rise above and start their lives in 2014! So happy for you!!
“The relief you feel is the amazing high I’m on now too!”
High five ! Seriously, it feels really good and i’m super-happy for you.
” Once you finally open your eyes and realize that not only has the SP been lying to you, you’ve been lying to yourself and denying the red flags. ”
True, true, and TRUE … i now see how i consciously ignored and denied the red flags … now i see it all, and understand it all. This blog helped me a lot to define really clearly who she actually was, and added the missing piece to the puzzle. Because my relationship with a SP left me with a puzzle i couldn’t finish, i couldn’t actually figure out what happen. Now i can, and now it’s crystal-clear.
“Once you stand back and look at the person you thought you knew and realize the depths someone is capable of going, and understand that you were attracted to that for a reason, and really own all of that, THEN you’re able to get your self free of the morbidly unhealthy “dependence” on your SP. One step leads to massive momentum and soon you do have your life back. Sometimes I have to pinch myself!”
Ah you too 🙂 I remember one month and a half ago that MASSIVE breakthrough. Like all of a sudden, i am myself again, i see now everything clearly .In a weekend i recovered 99% … and in a month you can spot the difference. Not only in my head, but in my life, i happen to see my brother a lot and he clearly sees a huge difference.
Even the way i stand … it changed too. I went back to feeling “old” somehow to standing in my natural posture which is pretty dynamic. And the way i walk changed too. Now i take the big steps i used to take when i was younger, before all this happened. It’s not conscious, i just … did it… then realized a lot of subtle details about me have dramatically changed back to the way they were meant to be. And everything is so much better …
“Life is so incredibly good!! I have a modest job, a modest home, and a huge appreciation for the smallest things! Air even smells sweeter! ”
Nice to hear that from you, since it’s exactly what i’m experiencing. Even the fabric of my clothes on my skin feels smoother. That’s how deep i changed back. That’s how wrong i felt in some point of my life … by the way, changes aren’t in my head only : people start to notice. I see girls that smile at me in the streets, and that kind of stuff that used to happen before i dated her happen all the time now.
And that wonderful feeling of wellness after taking a shower is back. I mean, before it felt nice, now it feels AMAZING, and i can’t help but think “OMG , that’s how life is supposed to feel ? Sweet ! ”
and once we recovered, we can now do some good to our lives.
I just started this phase. In a month, huge difference. I can’t wait to see how my life will be in 6 months … awesome ? More than awesome ? because the few little things i did already made a dramatic change. And are, to me, a statement that nope, it’s not just some self-lie or some illusion, my recovery is for real. And that makes me happy.
I realize as well that my thinking skills and cognitive abilites are getting better every day. Lots of small things prove that.
” I too hope victims will be able to rise above and start their lives in 2014! So happy for you!! ”
Yeah ! Let’s rise and get up our feet ! The world is ours 🙂 Let’s give ourselves the care we all need.
Oh, and i understand the concept of “gratitude” (and the way the dalai lama speaks about it) a heck of a lot better now.
David, you have summed up the feelings of my ‘release’ too. I had it for FIVE long hard years! I too CHOSE to ignore the red flags and just made myself believe that things will get better! THEY WON’T. I’m five days free and can’t believe how happy and young I feel.
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@sarame and @david
Congratulations!! No Contact is so hard! So glad to hear you both are finding things to occupy your time!! What a great way to start the year!! Keep it up!! 😊.
And @2befree – I didn’t see you up there till after I posted!! I am on my iPhone, (pray for me, I can get some tech help).
It’s truly amazing what you see when the fog is lifted, just wait till the “real you” comes back stronger than ever 🎶”AWEESSOOMME”🎶!!!
NIBSIH.
great post. And the last paragraph was spot on 🙂 (I had exactly same experience). Hope you’ve got over the crappy experience.
Omg. Yes yes and yes. This is similar to what I went through. I hate liars and I started to tell my sis everything he said because I began to not see the inconsistencies and feel guilty. I thought I was going crazy and he even said I was when I confronted him, until one day I was just like nah. No more, I am smarter than this, he can’t make me not trust myself. I ended it and all the begging and pleading I was like “it’s not in my character but you’re bad for me it’s not working, we can remain friends” that was my mistake. The abuse started then and I honestly felt nothing, the heartbreak had already occurred when I realised what he was so by then I was cold. He made crisis after crisis happen to him and had crazy girls calling my phone, I just began to fight back and called him out on every lie. Told everyone to not talk to him that I knew and not accept friend requests. I wiped his numerous numbers from my phone and memory and told him to not contact me again. But his memory still had my number, I’m very sentimental and didn’t want to change my number(first one) so I kept it but I block every odd number that messages me and even if he is pleasant I reply coldly to which I receive abuse and block his number. Meh.
The beginning of the relationship was beautiful, he was good looking we had similar interests, he was “smart” but I should have taken heed of the nagging in my gut, the twitching of my eye the first day I met him. Now I always cross reference things people say and pride myself on pulling myself out and becoming more confident. Listen to your intuition, nothing is as glamorous as it seems. Not all that glitters is gold.
Umm – I definitely speechless!!
SCAM alert! That’s a nigerian area code!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
It is clear; whoever wrote this, English is not their primary language! I meant to say SCAM too, thanks Sarame1
Honestly! These bloody scammers are everywhere. Can this person be banned from posting on this site?
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
They probably could be banned or blocked
Back again to say hello to everyone! Happy New Year!! It’s now Jan 7, 2014 and I am feeling stronger each day. However, the weird cycle of thinking about what he did is still with me. Just so glad that I have managed to stick to NO CONTACT! Today he was on mind mind, yet all I kept thinking is how good it is that we are not interacting, I miss the thought of what I figured I had to look forward to with him, then once I remind myself of how false he was and that last time I got to see him, to confront him about his double life and hidden secret, that keeps my resistance good and strong! I only say to myself now, I wish he did not do this to me, he was cruel, fake, selfish and mean. I am struggling to embrace the feeling of being with myself again and how much safer I feel being without him, the thought of having to meet him at times in the past would made me feel weird and often resistant, now I know why. I will never forget that night a few days after Thanksgiving waking up with an urge to look at one of his brothers’ FB profile for clues,I literally woke up out a deep sleep panicking with racing thoughts to get on FB to check, I did, and could not believe the post I read on his brothers page. My mind was telling me, “say it isn’t so”!! I kept telling myself to calm down and maybe it was another person his brother, knew with the same name, but my body was spinning with a horrible pain and weird panic sensations, my alarm bells were screaming, I felt and knew for sure his brother posted my newly discovered “artificial loves” name with another woman stating they were at their new house together.. The torment, shock, pain, disbelief was unbearable, I did not know what to do with myself in that very moment – I had to hold myself together somehow! The feeling of being in a nightmare was an understatement. I thought, this can’t be my friend, the person – loved for so long that returned into my life after many years – it just made no sense that he would do this to me.. I have a grip and accept the reality I hoped was not real. Discovering he was a full blown Pathological Liar and con artist. It was the “Losing Him” part that took me so far into a pit of indescribable nothingness.. I kept hoping this was not what it appeared, but my intuition gave me 100% clarity. My intuition can be frightening, I realize I need topstart appreciating and relaxing with it. I have always had the ability to read certain things and pick up on what most people seem oblivious too.. I can’t tell you all how many times in the past I admired many of those who seem relaxed, free and oblivious fully trusting their partners. I have never felt that way, but I am pretty good at keeping a lid on it and not showing signs of mistrust. I give people time to hang themselves, usually, and my old friend messed up BIG TIME this round! I am going to miss the relationship I thought he and I would eventually share and take into a deep level. I feel so cheated, yet empowered it’s the craziest thing.. I really wish he was not this entity I discovered, because I wanted to be with him – genuinely cared for his well-being, life and future. Now, the thought of him frightens me and I realize I dodged a bullet. Going to “temporarily” miss the apple of my eye – so to speak.. This is all tragic and too bad, because I am so proud of myself for handling
things the way I did. I am detoxing from him now.. It feels good, yet I wish it were different, then again, not with the entity I watched unfold right before my eyes as I slowly introduced to him the fact that I uncovered his secrets.. Really pissed, I miss him yet I don’t if that makes sense, I am more happy to be away from him so that I can keep processing and analyzing this. Angry at times that this is taking so much of me emotionally from where I need to be focused. I am going to miss the thought of how a future with him in it was possibly going to be. Saddened to have been duped by him.. But, feeling very confident at the same time.. I am just so mad he is not who he was projecting and playing mind games with me, the way he did. It was stupid and so pointless.. Disgusting and artificial.. DARN! I am okay, just still feeling the sting and pain, yet much happier in another way! I need to be alone and it feels so good to be! This can not happen again – this was an awful situation to face and would not wish this type of deception and trickery on anyone.. He really was getting a kick out of deliberately and coldly calculating how to destroy me.. Oh, it hurts so bad, but I will get through and survive this game. Some moments I am in fear of him, it comes and goes! It’s as if he was slipping, breaking and trying to get caught and then enjoying it at the same time.. My poor brain, heart and sould..Lol! Oh, this is awful to realize, yet- I am facing and absorbing it head on! This will not happen to me again! It just can’t…
I know exactly how you feel. I’m living a similar nightmare right now. It stings and feels empowering at the same time. The truth is, because of our good hearts we are perfect targets for this type of man. They prey on strong, sensitive and compassionate women, because we tend to be more open to trusting them immediately. In the beginning they are playing the ‘perfect boyfriend’ role with ease. They are so good at pretending to be all of the things we want. They know us well and have perfected their game. They come on as Prince Charming and once they know they have you, they slowly start being controlling and manipulative. They soon take no responsibility for anything. They play the victim while your heart gets squashed and then they come back and convince you ‘somehow’ that you are at fault. It’s sick! It hurts and consumes the best of us. I have to keep reminding myself that no matter who I fall in love with, I always need to love myself a little more. What you and I miss the most……and still brings tears to my eyes….is the idea of who they pretended to be. They will never make anyone happy. They aren’t happy. These sociopaths are walking through life without any real connections. It’s important to take a deep breath and exhale slowly, always reminding yourself that if he stayed you would suffer tremendously. Grieving what you thought was real (which wasn’t) is okay. You will learn through time and many tears that it wasn’t you. You did nothing wrong. You are loving and you will learn to protect your heart by balancing your gift of intuition and empathy. You may want to take a quiz on your empathy level, because it can help you accept why you feel so betrayed and hurt. I am very sensitive and empathetic, but I am also strong and confident. Personally, I am more angry at myself, because being with this person made me feel crazy. He stole my THUNDER…….my dignity and my patience….How did I let it happen? It’s probably because I am open to love and I was a good target. I just hope to find forgiveness for him, because I understand how sad and empty his life will always be. He still wants me….he still pretends….but I had to find the strength to say NO MORE. That is all I know to do…..that’s what keeps me going…..that’s what gets me out of bed in the morning. Just say NO. Quit it like a bad habit….COLD TURKEY! Just love yourself a little more, always, because it will provide you with the courage and the will to leave. One step at a time….one day at a time….real love will find a way to you, but you have to start loving yourself first. That is the greatest relationship you will ever have in life!
Hi Molly,
Thanks for such a comforting reply. Everything you said makes perfect sense and is spot on.. I am so glad to be free from “it” now.. What an experience! It was like quitting a bad habit cold – turkey and had to be done immediately.. I can’t thank you enough for your words – helps a lot, loving and focusing on myself once again and realizing how much I missed that.. There are very dangerous and seriously disordered people out there.. The effects they can have on targets is like spreading disease, misfortune and pure imbalance/insanity – thanks again, I certainly appreciate everything you said! 🙂 So true…
There are so many stages to overcoming the damaging effects of a relationship with an SP! I some how found the strength and courage to secretly leave, start a new life and that is all going well. I am even enjoying spending time getting to know me and just being alone with me. What I struggle with now is what you mention…mourning the loss of what I thought I had, what might have been…if only it wasn’t an illusion. I truly loved my SP. Head over heals, 100% to the core loved and trusted him. The quick teary outbursts that come out of nowhere can drop me to my knees in an instant. Then comes the anger for being crushed over a man who treated me so badly and could so easily lie and deceive me. I’ve been alone in my new life for 2 ½ months. Divorce should be final in May. Perhaps things will be easier then…when all the legal BS is done and no longer nagging in the back of my mind. What is really strange is that I don’t really miss him – just the idea of what I thought I had. Heartbreak is hard enough under “normal” circumstances, but harder yet when you were in love with an illusion. Guess I’m just a little surprised by the emotions coming on strong now – after being so strong in the beginning.
Molly~I so wish this was a recent reply but no matter it’s age, it spoke volumes to me!
It’s been 6 weeks mine left me blind-sighted and although with TIME, I am recalling the “good” much less frequently, it still pops up at times when I least expect it.
I have to remind myself the “good” was “fake” and end all “good” memories with the word “fake!”
Happy New year sunshine 🙂
Happy New Year to you as well POSITIVAGIRL!!
I had a problem with my boyfriend 6 months ago, which lead to our broke up. When he broke up with me, i was not myself again; i fill so empty inside me. Until a friend of mine told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too. i email the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening, not up to 48 hours, my boyfriend gave me a call and he come back to me and told me he was sorry for everything that happen,i am so greatful to this spell caster and will not stop publishing his name on the net for the good work he is doing.If you need his help,you can email him at onimalovespell @gmail. com and he will also help you too Dr Kasee of onimalovespell @gmail. com i will forever be greatful to you.
I have been in a relationship with a man for the past 5 years who recently broke up with me. He came on strong, alienated my family, lied about his family. Turns out his family life was horrible, but he lied about it. He always placed the blame on me for his own troubles, and had a couple violent outbursts. He never threatened me, and he was always in debt. i did loan him money to pay off his IRS debt, but he did pay me back. When we broke up, he had been sending gifts to another woman and never mentioned it to me. I told him it wouldn’t have been a big deal if he hadn’t hidden it. He never responded to that and has gone from texting me several times a day to nothing. I am at a loss because he was my best friend. He would never talk about his past, and he moved in with me, never offering to pay for rent or utilities. Only when I asked him to. He basically lived here for free. He meets most of the warning signs but not all. I don’t want to believe he is an SPath, but I am thinking he may be one…..:(
Mine owed the IRS too.
That’s why I allowed him to live 1000% free with me.
It sickens me that we all dated the same guy!
If they’re so smart as they appear, why doesn’t ONE of them just VEER a bit off the exact same steps?
That way, they could make us 2nd and even 3rd guess ourselves!
MORONS!!
This is so scary because my bf who I dated off and off for the last 6 yrs is exactly like this. He checks off on everything on this list. I’ve realized over the years that I never truly wanted to be with him after the first time he had broken up with me. When we would get back together I looked for any excuse each and every time to leave him, but he always pulled me back in and made me feel horrible for thinking about leaving or even trying. I want out now before something bad happens because I have a feeling in my gut that he may become dangerous down the line.
Hi yes they do get worse. The most dangerous is when they feel out of control. If you do get out. Make sure you do it safely. Esp if they realise that the split is permenant they can do all that they can to ruin and destroy you.
Geez! I’m sure I’m replying to such old threads just to help me as I’ll see no response BUT~
I agree with you about not really wanting them back!
This last run of his made me thank GOD he left cause I never would have had the heart to throw the bum out in the street.
He would have leeched onto me the rest of my life!
EEeeww!!
Yes you are right!!
Hi everybody
I just found out this site and I gotta say, Im a little scared by what I read… Maybe I can start by telling my story.
Im in a relationship with this guy, my boyfriend, since 2010. Its gonna be 4 years this year. I met him randomly, in a bus stop. He just started to talk to me while we were waiting for the bus. The way he approached me was really polite, respectful, I really liked his way. When the bus came, he gently asked me if he could sit next to me. I mean, he looked educated, he was well spoken..
Anyway, it was summer time so we saw eachother quite often, at least 4 times a week. It all went really fast. I was still leaving at my parent’s house but I was planning to move and to be by myself so it didnt took too long for him to bring his stuffs when I moved in. We weren’t leaving together but we were either at my place or at his place.
For the first 6 months everything was doing good. We kept goin at different spas, massages, high class restaurants… I was young at this time (18 yo), so let me tell you I was quite amazed. Oh and yeah, he was older than me… (We’ll talk about it later.) So yes everything was doin really well. The only thing I thought was missing in our relationship was actually his lack of emotion… Yes we would do all these activities together but not a single time would he come to hug me (I always did), cuddle with me (again, it was always me), and maybe the more important, tell me he loves me (he actually never did… even after 4 years). He would never express any big joy, or any sadness. Any empathy. Like litterally, no feeling at all.
At first, i thought it could be cultural, since he’s asian. I read that asian people can be less expressive, because of their culture. But its more than that… Its hard to explain…
Now about his age… I told you he was older than me. Well when we met he told me he was 23 (I was 18). It was fine for me, it was a 5 years old gap. I just found out a few months ago that he has been lying to me all these years, he was 27 in reality !!! (now 32) He apologized for this one and looked sorry, he said he didnt know why he lied… He actually didn’t really find any excuses. The day after, it was like if nothing happened… I might be only 22 but I graduated from college last year, I’ve a full time job as a professional, Im a dental hygienist, and Im already saving money for projects in the future… I mean, Im mature for my age, so Im thinking, maybe he tought he could just fool a young girl…
Ugh, really, I don’t know… I’m feeling ready to plan our future together since its alreay been 4 years we’re together but whenever I talk about it, he says Im trying to rush things. And now, with all im reading about sociopath, psychopath, I really don’t know…
Need advice please…
What else makes you think that he is a sociopath?
Sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars, they lie about EVERYTHING. They keep their own lives private whilst keeping tabs on YOUR life. they ruin and destroy things that are good (as they think they will go bad anyway) -they are controlling and isolate you from other people.
They tell such big lies that eventually they become the lie and can almost believe it themselves.
THey are very controlling. Also charismatic and charming.
Well, I don’t know a lot of people in his entourage so I think that even if he would lie to me, chances are I would never find out… It still took me 3.5 years to know he was actually 4 years older than he said he was ! I only met his brother and his sister recently, but it was only for a couple of minutes, he had to bring them back some stuffs and I insisted to come with him. Never met his parent tho…
I think what makes me think he’s a psycopath or a sociopath is really his lack of feeling. He doesnt care about anything. He lost his job, he didnt even try to hide it from me, he just didnt care. He actually stayed at my place for a whole year after that, without paying anything because of course he didnt have any money. I was a student at that time and I was only working a part-time job so I was osten struggling with the bills and everything, but he didnt seem to care.
Whenever I feel sad or he sees Im not in my normal mood, he wouldnt ask me whats wrong, he would just talk to me like if everything was fine. We were supposed to go on a trip to New York for 4 days (I live in Canada), he cancelled the same day we were supposed to go, just to punish me (even tho he was wrong in that situation). He knew I was waiting for this trip for the whole week… I was so disappointed, all my stuffs were packed, I was ready to go… I cried, I asked him why he would do something like that, it was purely mean… He couldnt care less. He actually just went into the bed and slept (It was not even bed time… Like 2PM). He never show remorse, empathy, guilt or shame. He’s not scared of anything.
He never offers to help, he only do things when these are beneficial for him. He’s very selfish, even tho he will never admit it.
Yes, he’s very charming, charismatic… All my friends met him and all of them think I found the right guy (…).
Maybe the only characteristic that doesn’t match him is the control/possessiveness. Again, I just feel he doesnt really care if something would happen to me. He would just move on to the next one. One day I went out in a cafe with one of my friend without telling him, I came back home at 1 AM and he never called me to see where I was. And for the lies well… As I told you, I dont know, but I don’t think he’s lying on everything… Could this mean he’s not a psycho/sociopath? Does he have to match all the characterictic to be one? Cause I would say a lot of them do apply to him, but not all.
Hi Sandra,
There are a few things that leap out from your comment. Firstly, did you ever see proof that he had paid for the trip to NY? As I suspect if he is a sociopath that this just an illusion presented to you, they do this. Make up a lie as if it were the truth and sell it to you, then when it comes to it, it doesn’t happen and its all your fault that it hasn’t happened. When the truth was, it was never going to happen. I find it hard to believe that a socio would pay for something then just not do it… they don’t like wasting money.
The one thing that makes me struggle to believe that he is a socio is the lack of control, but I wonder if he was so manipulative that you didn’t see it as control. Sociopaths can be very charismatic and charming, so you might not realise that you are being manipulated and controlled (for example if he lied about NY this is controlling behaviour)
Other things that are definite sociopathic traits are:
– Living with you for a year, when you couldn’t afford it. Living off you like a parasite (low functioning sociopaths do this)
– Talking to you like everything is fine when you are upset, and not reading that you are hurt and upset (but also people with certain autism can not read or register feelings)
– Not showing empathy guilt or shame
– Only doing things that are beneficial to him
– They are very good liars, so you might not realise the lies that he has told – often the lies come to the surface only after the relationship has ended. You might have no idea about the lies while in the relationship
– Seperating his life, not allowing you to meet his family/friends. They are good at being in your life, but not allowing you to be in theirs.
I think what is important is not who he is, but how you feel about you, being around him. This is what is most important if he makes you feel bad, it is bad, and he is bad for you. It doesn’t sound like he cares about your needs and you cannot work as a team with him. So really where is this going? You deserve to be treated better…. he does sound as if he displays a lot of sociopathic traits.
All sociopaths (like everybody else) are different. There are varying degrees some are worse than others. Really someone who doesnt care about your needs, is not good for you. You deserve so much better.
i was married for five years with out any child,because of this my husband
start acting very strange at home,coming home late and not spending time
with me any more.So i became very sad and lost in life because my doctor
told me there is no way for me to get pregnant this really make life so
hard for me and my family.my sister in law told me about DR SERAPHIN from the
Internet,how he has helped people with this similar problem that i am going
through so i contacted him and explain to him.he cast a spell and it was a
miracle three days later my husband can back to apologize for all he has
done and told me he is fully ready to support me in any thing i want,few
month later i got pregnant and gave birth to twins (girls) we now a happy family
Progress being made…three months to the day after moving out of the SPs life while he was out of town, I have filed for divorce. I broke no contact and met him at the court house and had him pay for the divorce. He signed all the papers and now I never have to talk to him or see him again. He still doesn’t know where I live although he did find out where I work. He told me a sob story that he has stomach cancer. I don’t believe him. I’m gonna feel like a piece of sh*t if it turns out to be true. However, my mistrust in him is well placed and he earned it.
I cannot express the overwhelming sadness that day brought. Now how can that be? I am loving living alone and not worrying about any thing or anyone that I don’t want to. I have no impositions. I have peace. I am enjoying me and this blossoming experience. The quality of everything in my life is so much better now. So how is it that this was such a debilitatingly painful day? I know what he is. I know what he did. How can I allow that to hurt like this? What the hell is wrong with me? I am mourning a monster!
Wellness is gonna take a while…clearly.
I don’t think you’re mourning him, I think you’re mourning what might’ve been, and it’s not your fault that it can’t be. I am sorry for your loss. It will get better.
Evolutionary speaking sociopaths are good mates. They are very attractive domineering men if conditioned properly. You are still attracted to the excitement he brought you. But despite the facade and the pleading understand that this man doesn’t care about you. Find an exciting attractive man who can actually love. Let the SP be free, you are hurting his ego but you can never touch his heart.
“Somebody who is as perfect as he/she seems, who is as charismatic as they are, who meets people so easily, would have other people from their past in their life. And if you are the love of their life, as they so frequently tell you, then they would be keen to show you off to people close to him/her.”
This is the most telling sign. Without exception, sociopaths have the biggest disconnect between the given “mask” they’re wearing to manipulate you and the implications if that was the actual person they were. It’s like the guy who is impeccably charming from the moment he sees you; he would not be, as you come to realize, essentially a loner with no friends to speak of if he were honestly this friendly. Sociopaths are the people you’ve come across in life that “add up” less than anyone else, and it comes from their completely flexible sense of self. How to spot a sociopath: after some time knowing them, you get the feeling that it’s as if they became this person specifically for you and at the moment that they met you. There’s nothing accumulated to show for them being the person that they’re showing you. Watch out if, no matter how impressive they are in this role, it’s as if this role has only existed as long as they’ve met you.
Something sociopaths like to do at the very start of every failed relationship, is act like you’re THE ONE that brings out something in them that no one else ever has. They’ll say they’ve “never felt this way about someone before”, very early like after one or two dates sometimes. This is to shore up any disparities between the mask they’re wearing to manipulate you and the rest of their lifestyle that will inevitably show up the longer you are together. They’re a special person specifically to reel in their victim and it doesn’t correlate with the rest of their existence.
“Somebody who is as perfect as he/she seems, who is as charismatic as they are, who meets people so easily, would have other people from their past in their life. And if you are the love of their life, as they so frequently tell you, then they would be keen to show you off to people close to him/her.”
This is the absolute most telling sign. Without exception, sociopaths have the biggest disconnect between the given “mask” they’re wearing to manipulate you and the implications if that was the actual person they were. It’s like the guy who is impeccably charming from the moment he sees you; he would not be, as you come to realize, essentially a loner with no friends to speak of if he were honestly this friendly. Sociopaths are the people you’ve come across in life that “add up” less than anyone else, and it comes from their completely flexible sense of self. How to spot a sociopath: after some time knowing them, you get the feeling that it’s as if they became this person specifically for you and at the moment that they met you. There’s nothing accumulated to show for them being the person that they’re showing you. Watch out if, no matter how impressive they are in this role, it’s as if this role has only existed as long as they’ve met you.
Something sociopaths like to do at the very start of every failed relationship, is act like you’re THE ONE that brings out something in them that no one else ever has. They’ll say they’ve “never felt this way about someone before”, very early like after one or two dates sometimes. This is to shore up any disparities between the mask they’re wearing to manipulate you and the rest of their lifestyle that will inevitably show up the longer you are together. They’re a special person specifically to reel in their victim and it doesn’t correlate with the rest of their existence.
Great comment !! Thank you glad!! So very spot on.
A sociopathic bell curve outlier is eons beyond this list. Take it from me sociopaths have already googled psychoanalytic profiles for their own narcissistic self amusement. Not to mention the bonus of learning to manipulate people better. There are different breeds of sociopaths. Some are too proud to play the victim. All have originality and some purposely go against the grain to annoy people ( a very intelligent sociopath will introduce you to novelties). A strong sociopath is well in tune with the nuances of social dynamics, and will conform and blend for benefit. This includes taking the fall in order to glorify themselves. They are blobs of flubber capable of moulding into any social situation. A true tell sign of a sociopath is that they are a jack of all trades but a master of none. This is because they get bored easily and pick up new skills just enough to impress people. They do not devote their true potential into a signal craft because there is no point (they may be good, but don’t confuse talent with mastery), they don’t have any passion. A sociopath is very good at the big things in life, the sex part was spot on. The sociopath’s fragile ego could never withstand being labelled a “bad lay.” Not to mention that they are very promiscuous and yes charming, so they have had lots of practice. The rest of the list is okay, but like I said a very smart sociopath is already 50 steps ahead. Also some of the items can be confused with pseudo-sociopaths (people who weren’t spanked/punished as children, dumb people, genetic dispositions etc.). I’m 19 (psychology major) and have profiled myself since discovering my psychosis a few years ago. I have very keen intuition and usually ‘just know’ when I meet a true sociopath. I hope my introspection has helped a bit.
Sociopaths aren’t really good in bed (and they love to tell you they are). They don’t have any ability to connect emotionally (where real sex happens). Being “with” a sociopath is similar drug addiction. The first high is spectacular. After a while you’re no longer joyous, just addicted. Drugs and sociopaths are the same –false highs. Sorry, but there is no such thing as a pseudo-sociopath, you’re either one or you’re not. And it is true, sociopaths appear intelligent but they have very low emotional IQs
This has been really helpful to read. My counsellor suggested I googled ‘Sociopath’ as I am still struggling to come to terms with leaving an abusive relationship which was almost a year ago now.
I’m not sorry it’s ended, just frustrated as to why I put up with his erratic behaviour, which ended in final assault on me and then sadly my son. This blog helps me understand a little more.
I was 43 when it happened and had fallen head over in heels in love with him 3 years earlier. He was (I thought) the best partner I had ever been with and I thought we were perfect together. I had never felt so loved or loved anyone that strongly. In hindsight – I ignored many many dangerous situations.
Now, I am starting to rebuild my life, whereas he has found a new Asian partner online, whom I feel very sorry for.
Hi Jersey girl,
Welcome to the site. It is good that you are working with a counsellor who understands about sociopathic behaviour. Not too many do.
I finally discovered what was going on back in December but still havent gotten him to leave me alone. He continually goes to the police making up accusation after accusation against me but still has gotten nowhere. I just want him to leave me alone but he is refusing to do so, instead telling the police that it is ME who is harassing him. I have had abuse charges against me in 2 different counties brought up against me by him and both times they were dismissed. I see no end in sight.
Hi getmeout.
You need to do NO CONTACT and be strict about this. Tell him that the relationship is over and as of this date, time you do not wish him to contact you further. if he does, then you will report to the police for harassment.
I had to do this, and it did work (well pretty much)
I have already done all that. I have already been awarded a 4 year restraining order against him but he keeps pulling me back into court on new bullshit charges. I was starting to date somebody new but he ended things with me because he didnt want to have to deal with all of the shit I am going through.
😦 and the new guy wasn’t the right guy. You want someone who will be right there with you through thick and thin. Use the law and don’t have any other correspondence with him.
Also read the post ‘how to get even’ type in the search bar.
This article makes it sound like Sociopaths are always gregarious, socially charming, smart about fashion, and will never ever apologize. This is not true.
I believe I’ve dated 4 myself over the years (yes, ladies, I do believe that some of us draw these creatures to us for some reason). Of course they are all super charming but not all of them have social skills, only one-on-one skills. All play on your need for attention, but there’s another well-known skill that this article doesn’t mention: They will periodically tear you down, either with snide comments, criticism, some form of anger or outrage, or by withholding affection usually for some very small infraction, or by other subtle words or actions. This is also a well-known ploy used by pimps to keep their tricks attached to them. It’s a psychological trick that makes a woman crave them more. Sorry but a very large percent of women are indeed susceptible to it.
Yes I’ve studied both pimps and sociopaths because I work as a volunteer in a human trafficking division of a law enforcement agency, and while not all sociopaths are pimps, pimps are almost always sociopaths.
It’s a very important aspect to keep in mind because it takes many forms and can be very subtle. For instance they may answer their phone every time you call and then suddenly ignore your calls for several hours; or they may tell you how beautiful you look and then comment that the fat secretary in their last job wore that same lipstick; or they may suddenly for no reason look at you with disdain and treat you coldly. Often these punishments are imposed to make you react and then to make you feel guilty in order to then ask you for something, at which point you will be vulnerable to comply.
The first SP I dated, which was long before I studied them, was pretty much as described in this article. But the second (whose father and sister were also sociopath) was not of the super charming variety as described here. Instead he was more like a super sweet puppy dog, and cutsy like a little boy. But he was very dangerous. Many, although not most, are capable of heinous activity and their fearlessness fuels their crimes. This guy was a pedophile and he maintained the appearance of a normal life as a major part of his cover. But it took me less than 6 months to figure him out although I went through psychological torture and spent over a year recovering. 3 other women had tried to stop him previously and had ended up with ruined reputations and one even had her children taken away and awarded to him! Yes, he was that good at turning the tables. He is now in prison.
The 3rd was super arrogant on the surface–although all 4 were very arrogant, this guy was completely unmoved by the judgments or rights of others and made no pretense. He was a poet, a philosopher, and knew all the right things to say for the first few dates. But then it turned into just great sex (as described) and lots of anger with fewer and fewer times of adoration and charm. I’ve seen his profile on dating sites and he tells women all his imagined good qualities, and promises that unlike other men he will never hurt them. I had to move and change my number to get away from him–not only because he was dangerous and was using me but because I couldn’t seem to stop myself from wanting to see him. I dated him for 7 months and spent over a year trying to get him out of my system and coming to terms with the fact that it was all fake.
The 4th, who I’m just finally cutting off completely after over 2 years, seemed like a big teddy bear and he absolutely would apologize sometimes going to great lengths to convince me of his shame and angst (but here and there would say things to indicate he was not sorry). He had a criminal history including armed robbery, which didn’t seem to coincide with his ability to be super sweet, adoring, and cuddly. I really felt compassion to the point that even after I had lost any real attraction to him I continued to help him financially. He seemed like a really sweet man who just couldn’t put the past of his horrible childhood and subsequent criminal behavior behind him long enough to see a future for himself. He was the perpetual victim. Although much of his past life reflected all the things I loathed–sex, drugs, crime–he spewed ideals about how he was reformed and seemed to make real efforts to change but could never follow through. Despite many times we didn’t see eye to eye, he often mirrored what I wanted and would, unbeknownst to me, feed my own ideals back to me until one day he said something that I knew was almost a direct quote from my late lover. As gullible as I am I knew this was not something in this man’s own heart and suspected he had been going through my letters or diaries although it seemed improbable that he would have found the time or known where to look. I then started suspecting that much of his behavior was parroting my own ideals although quit bluntly he seemed too stupid to be that smart and it was hard to see our relationship as a façade. While at some point I knew he was inappropriately dependent on me and probably institutionalized, I honestly thought he was, at his core, somewhat innocent and a victim of his own life. But until today I never suspected he was a sociopath. Now I see this may be one way to make sense of him.
I feel like a real idiot and unlike someone above who said not to let it cause distrust going forward I am going to be super distrusting. I obviously need to figure out what in me keeps attracting these men before I can safely date anyone. I am super gullible, trusting, and compassionate and they are clearly drawn to me like a fly to honey.
Mde do you still use this site? The same thing has happened to me?
I suffer bpd and have sp tendencies and have known this for many years, I really can’t help the lack of empathy, not being able to relate to family and friends, I just can’t trust and do find it hard to be honest about myself, so for the last 5 years (i’m 30) for everyones sake i’ve had to resign to isolating myself, i’d give anything to not have inherited this illness from my mum 😦
Reading this article was very eye opening. I’ve always felt like I was a sociopath, and now I finally know that I am for sure. I’ve done and behaved to the T – the personality this page describes. I’ve always felt distant, un-understanding, and unremorseful of anything I’ve ever done. The only time I’m ever sorry is when I get caught. I’ve loved, and lost a few people that I thought I cared about but now know exactly why they are no longer present in my life. I am only 22. I am sorry society, I am one of these people.
Most of these characteristics just sound like the way people act when they are in love. While having some, or all, of these characteristics might be signs you’re dating a sociopath, chances are they’re not. There are a myriad number of other psychological issues (narcissism, neurosis, inferiority complex, OCD, etc.) that could create any combination of these traits. But overall, a list of traits to check off on an internet site does not make anyone qualified to diagnose such a complex illness. Chances are, the only benefit this site provides is give people a scapegoat to blame (sociopathy) for their failed relationships.
Funny that as diagnosed sociopaths read this site .. Have agreed. Hmm
I just came across this blog and it saved my life. I’ve had the most amazing revelations since reading it. I was under such an evil spell. Every word of this article fits perfectly. It almost appears to be a personality biography, or a direct tale of what happened to me. My SP ( I like having a term) and I have recently split after nearly four years together. EVERYTHING he told me about himself was a lie from the gate…. Here’s how it went down from the beginning. It’s quite an epic tale really…There’s too much to tell, so I’ll hit the highlights so you get the gist… Now that the spell has lifted and I’ve reclaimed my freedom I cannot believe I fell for it!! Ok, so four years ago, I met Mr. Wonderful randomly in a bar (I have two little boys, and never go to the bar. I was there at the absolute demand of a friend) I wasn’t immediately attracted to him, and would have never thought of him again, but my friend ( who was the person he was there to visit) messaged me periodically on Facebook telling me he wanted to see me. I never encouraged it as I didn’t particularly find him attractive. He ended up dropping by my office to see me. I wasn’t there at the time but got the message that he would like to see me from my coworkers. He was supposedly in Alaska flying for a small company as a “bush pilot” and was here for a visit before heading back out. About a month later, he showed up at my office again and I happened to be the only one there. When he walked in, I was shocked! He was absolutely beautiful! I hadn’t remembered that about him!? He is 6’3″ dark hair, dark eyes, very tasteful tattoos (which I love!) Wide strong shoulders Dressed impressively. He smiled, and let me know he had been wanting to see me. I felt like a school girl, I couldn’t believe this man had pursued me to this extent, he was shockingly beautiful, deep sexy voice, amazing muscles physically my type to the extreme! ( Actually I’ve never met a woman who wasn’t immediately attracted to him!Ugh!) Very charming and VERY obviously attracted to me. Anyway, he sat down at my desk and proceeded to tell me his “life story” it all just rolled out, and I ate it right up! He said he had just applied for a job at the local lumber mill (one of the only good employment opportunities in town we’re very rural and mountainous) and was now looking for a place to live here in town. His story was that he had just come here from flying in Alaska where he had had a near death experience when he crashed his plane. He loved being a Millwright, and was now looking to settle down. He was 31 at the time and grew up in upstate New York where he had created and sold a very successful iron fabrication business. He told me he has two children and a horrible ex who was keeping his kids from him out of spite of not having him anymore. He never really loved her and had to get away, so he said! Because of this he had sold the company, and invested it in a $900,000 condo on Grand Cayman. (Wow huh?) He had been living on Grand Cayman for the previous 5 years, had moved to Florida where he had spent the last year, and had just road tripped here with his friend to visit another friend that happened to live in the area. He was only flying until something else came up, i.e. the lumber mill. He just decided to move to the area after all of that for a new beginning. Supposedly he was a shell of a man without his children and was hoping to heal in the Alpine mountains. After this incredible tale, he asked me out on a date, said he had thought about me while waiting to be rescued from his plane crash and had been waiting to see me ever since (ridiculously sweet right?) I of course, full of butterflies that this gorgeous, wealthy, world traveling man was this interested in little ol’ me said yes. We went out the following night. With no real plans we ended up at a local rodeo (lol it was my first rodeo!) and had an amazing time! He was so attentive and such a gentleman! Did I mention he was gorgeous? Like really, really handsome. He appeared to only have eyes for me, was incredibly flattering and over the top sweet. I was falling for him without even realizing it, I had never had butterflies this strong and could hardly believe this was happening to me, it all seemed to good to be true. That night we bought a bottle of wine, stopped beside a river talked for hours about everything, before we left, he spun me around and kissed me so passionately I actually felt myself go weak in his arms. When he dropped me off at home, I was a so giddy I couldn’t even sleep. I was already absolutely enamored with this man. Then the daily, nightly texting began, so full of hope and mutual awe, both of us wondering of this could be “it”. We went on another date and it was amazing too, we ended up sleeping next to each other and kissing all night (nothing else!) he seemed like such a romantic gentleman! Before I knew it, we were non stop texting and talking and I really felt like I was getting to know him. He was an open book. We took the boys camping where he interacted and appeared to really care for them.The third week I knew him, he moved in!! After all he had just started a new job and needed a place to live, and well, we were in love! Intense ridiculous no one else on Earth has it kind of love, why not trust it!? Who wants to be jaded and unable to recognize true love when it’s beating your door down??? I was certainly beyond the point of giving it up! He seemed excited by my children and really interested in getting to know them, Acted like I was some epic fairy tale goddess he had been searching for his entire life. My guys really liked him too, and as a father of his own two boys, I never expected what was to come….None of us did. About a month after moving in, and a so far flawless relationship, he came home really upset, we could all feel it the second he came through the door. He went straight into our room. I followed him in. He was very confusing about why he was so upset claiming there was nothing wrong and being very distant and obviously upset. I was so shocked and hurt, I had no idea what I could have done but it certainly appeared to be MY fault. I spent the next few days trying to get the little bubble back, loving him, pampering him, catering to him, begging inside for it to come back! It did with avengence. He began playing the hurt victim. He said he missed his children so badly he could barely live, and that his mother was sick and in the hospital. He really needed my love during this time and was so incredibly thankful to have me, the love of his life! He began sucking the life from me and I began to feed it to him with everything I had! Did I mention he hadn’t been paid yet? He began to borrow money with promises to pay it back, I mean after all he had all this money in the past, a few hundred dollars was nothing to him, he would definitely pay it back right? Wrong! he began to get more and more moody, with these amazing bursts of epic love, My children and I all started to cater our lives around his happy times, doing anything to keep him happy because he was so amazing when he was happy! This went on for months. He started to need big life events to continue to be happy. His new job was very stressful and he was promoted to an authoritative position within the first few months. He moved us out of our home into a home of his choosing farther into the country demanding it to help him be happier! We went willingly just wanting him to be his happy delightful self. Nothing we tried worked, but feeling like we were constantly failing him we tried harder. This all sounds so bad, like what kind of a mother would put her children through this? If only you could understand the deep and intensive ground work he laid to get me to this position, I was so in love, he was so amazing so often, I was caught in his web, and so were my guys, they loved him, begged for his approval and affection. he would keep it from us only to watch us dance for him and then lavish us in it just to take it away again!! Over and over again! Such a sick emotional cycle!. I don’t think I mentioned that I had just begun a very successful business as a real estate agent. I was making close to $100k a year at the time. He would make up elaborate lies why he needed this or that or money he was sending to family or whatever, it would make your head spin to hear it all! I gave freely as I wanted the best for him and his family. IAfter all he was a shell without his children right? Wrong! I spoke with his ex and she let me know he has never paid child support once and had never contacted them before me!!!! i HAD BEEN FOSTERING THIS “RELATIONSHIP” WITH HIS CHILDREN UNKNOWINGLY!!! It was never enough. Soon I began to find dirty messages on his phone to and from other women. I moved out, and he would con me back with ridiculous ideas of our future and how he couldn’t live without me and he had lost everything and would kill himself without me and the boys. That we gave him hope and showed him what love was, and how could I leave him when we had what no one else had, that this was true love and he would change, on his knees crying, screaming begging! I would relent, after huge barrages of this kind of thing, non stop texts non stop begging, only to find it on his phone again….I left three times in three years! He was so good at this emotional trap and I was so stuck on this idea of love I couldn’t get away. Even my children begged me to go back to him! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It was so fucking bad! (sorry about that!)Finally last month I caught him in a hotel room with some girl. He is still denying it, saying its all a mis understanding and he can prove nothing happened, that he will take a lie detector test, anything, anything just to prove it to me! He’s going to sell his condo, and build me my dream house and wants to marry me ( oh yeah, he asked me to marry him a year in all romantic like with a ring on the beach) spend his life loving me hes changed this time!!! He swears. Well, After all of this thank everything on Earth that killed it for me, I shut his phone off, moved into a new beautiful home and shut him out completely. he is still trying but I’m able to shut him down instantly! I’m free! This article saved my life made me realize it wasn’t me! He was so good at making me doubt myself, and feel like it was all me all the time! I feel so strong and free! I did it, not before he took everything and hurt me and my children horribly, but it’s over! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this amazing article. he’s a textbook sociopath! And now I know!!!!!EVERYTHING was a lie. He doesn’t own a condo, he didn’t sell “his” business, he isn’t a pilot, he isn’t an engineer ( oh yeah he even said that) He didn’t even graduate high school let alone go to Ohio state yep that one too. he’s so smart, beautiful and charming he really pulled it off, no one who knows him here doubts any of these things….But now I know, a little research and this article…WOW! His lies are unraveling all over town, I’m sure he’ll disappear soon….and I can’t wait! Thank you!
Would a specialist like to analyze me?
I’ve had a growing concern that there is a very dark side to me and have plenty of examples.
Hi I am unable to give diagnosis to people,. I just write here what I have personally observed.
Wow!! I read this and am utterly amazed at so many things in the 15 provisions you pointed out with regards to my relationship of 6 months that ended 3 days ago with my girlfriend/fiance. It truly is frightening!! Everything from the original connection,,Saying I was the one, we were together in a previous life, after 6 weeks she wanted to fly to Vegas and get married.. Told me all about the grandiose business ventures she has had since she was 21, (currently 41) , to telling me everyone she dated was an a-hole or a degenerate gambler, to not having a job since we met and always wanting me to pay for EVERYTHING!! There was so much that is so exact here on what you mentioned it blows my mind..Sadly for me i did ask her to marry me, moved in with her for a month, I left as a result of finding out lies about going out on dates with other men for money. She took engagement ring back to jeweler (she knew him) and got $5500 yet told me it was $4500 she gave her.. All this plus throughout the whole summer I blew about $10000 on restaurants, groceries etc.. With her continually promising she was going to acquire this big lucrative pastry chef position and never did. Always hiding her phone, had over 800 friends on FB and over 600 were men.. (I know, what a sucker I am). She never took responsibility for any wrong doings, had the hardest time apologizing for anything. Was rarely affectionate or showed any inner feelings, had that weird dead shark stare on many occasions.. I fell in love with her beauty and simple kindness along with so many nice things she said in the beginning & yes SEX!!. Only to realize at the end of the day all she really had under her belt was being a bartender for 8 years at hot bars.. and according to her any other job she ever acquired was because she knew people.. Met her parents (they were married 51 years, though in 6 months she spoke to them maybe 3 times). I couldn’t take it anymore after finding out more lies and realizing some of her stories with respect to her going out and driving distances didn’t make any sense and when asked about any of it she would always become very defensive and angry, calling me jealous and insecure.. I knew this wasn’t going anywhere but I have to be honest I hung around like an idiot for the chance of having that great sex you mentioned..I’m 48 years old, dated a lot, I’ve been married have 3 children and have to admit she set a new standard for me sexually (worried I’ll never have that combination of looks, sex and the love i gave). It became such that her drinking 6 times a week (red wine and margaritas at home) became ugly to me as well and after a heated phone argument three days ago I said enough!!! I’m not putting myself through this anymore. Last week I filed for a chapter 13 and the attorney wants to go after her and the jeweler for breaking Illinois engagement laws. This has been an absolutely awful experience and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I have no desire to have anything to do with her! Not even sex!! She has made me not only fall out of love with her but in a strange way i now find her repulsive. It was a great lift reading this post and I thank you sincerely as it definitely has made me feel better about this unbelievable mess I involved myself with. Thank you.
Hmm You spend money you don’t have to impress someone you don’t really care about knowing that you will then pass the burden of your financial debt to the taxpayers…. I’m sorry, which of you is the sociopath?
Getting consumed in that situation I was in inevitably led me to a proposal in marriage on my end. Dated enough, though none like her.. I fell and fell hard with her. Never met someone like her ever before. As crazy as it sounds, asking her to marry me seemed amazingly logical at the time much the same as spending the money or credit for that matter.. Something I would have never done in that manner with anyone.. EVER!!. I’m aware now it was a really bad idea. Being in that situation was almost magnetic, I found myself doing things I would’ve never done before.. She came across as a decent human being that just had the cards not so in her favor for a few years with an absolute promising career in the horizon.. Said I was the one for her often, that we must have been together in a previous life.. Mirrored so much of what I wanted in my life with a woman.. Basically I turned to mush in her hands very soon.. Fortunately I was able to get out.. THANK GOD!! I Just wanted to comment on what you mentioned Red… First off, I cared about her a great deal, I became madly in love with so much about her that I was literally blinded and felt imprisoned by her.. Like I couldn’t say no to her.. Such that I put a ring on her finger.. It was a colossal mistake!! Secondly, I’ve always paid out Uncle Sam his mandated share for the past 32 years to help you along with every other taxpayer in aiding the burden that is put on all of us taxpayers. Not sure where your confusion is on who is the sociopath.. FYI.. This is my fist dance with the systemic despair of bankruptcy. So Chapter 13 is repaying the debt over 5 years at an annual percentage rate agreed upon by the lending institution along with a judges ruling determined by the debt and my available fluid monthly income. Hence being divorced and supporting my children and surviving on my own makes an income of over six figures look quite dismal. Falling madly in love with someone and having what you though was a genuine belief system along with doing all you can for that person in every possible good way does not make you a sociopath. Taking total and complete manipulative advantage of someone who has done these things for you absolutely does.
You are breathing. Keep breathing.
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Hello Everyone, I have read this posting and the comments and I am sorry that we have all been conned but, there is a small part of me that is glad to see that I wasn’t the only one taken in.
I was dating a guy who I thought was my best friend. I had known him for years at a friendship level. I was thrilled when we started dating. We talked, traveled and I thought fell in love. I know that I had. Move forward just under three years. ..he gives me a ring at Christmas but, says that he didn’t want to pick out the one I would wear everyday. I ask him if he wants to tell our families that day (our parents, his aunt, uncle and cousin were all there) he said no (big red flag I ignored). We went ring shopping, I picked out a ring that I liked and he asked if I would be interested in looking at small business stores and, I said yes.
Move forward a month, we have gone and looked at and reserved a venue for the wedding. I have ordered a dress, we have tried caterers. Ok, so I have been asking when we are going to tell the families and there is always a reason that we can’t get together. He seemed to go from one significant ailment to another. Interesting side note, I made an appointment with a specialist for him and we had discussed my going with him, when the day of the appointment came there was some sort of reason that he didn’t want me to go with him.
So, 2 more months go by and I keep asking when we are going to tell the families, I have also said that he is making me feel like he is ashamed of me. He then says that he told his parents.
Through this whole time, I used to see him regularly but, now, there was always a reason that he couldn’t get together as much.
I was close to his parents and he had spent lots of time with my family. We were at a function for my family and he and my brother were talking (didn’t think anything of this because it had happened many times before).
Using addresses that he had given me for his friends and family, I mailed the save the dates out. My brother calls and tells me about the conversation that they had at the function, to say that he made me sound like a horrible dirty person would be an understatement. About a week goes by, he and I had had dinner that night, he went home to his parents house (where he lives) and had a fight with his mom. She called me because she was worried about him and wanted to know if he had come to my house. He hadn’t. She then asked me why we hated his parents. …I was shocked by the question and asked what she meant and that was when I found out that he had never told his family about the wedding and they all found out from the save the dates in the mail! Uggb, how horrible. Four days go by and I finally see him (after he said he was too Ill to see me the day before). He then, with no emotion said “this wedding isn’t going to happen”. Through my tears I asked him to explain and he said that I deserved someone who wanted to run down the aisle with me and he isn’t the guy. When I asked him about what my brother told me he said that my brother was lying…..really! There is no way that I would believe him over my brother.
The truth is that he got caught in a place that he couldn’t lie his way out of. Our relationship ended that day but, should have ended far earlier. Healing from this has been hard, it has been almost a year since and I have had lots of therapy and thinking. Looking back, there were so many red flags that I ignored. I have learned since the end of things that all of my friends and family didn’t like him but, loved me and decided that if I loved him they would learn to. I have also been told by people that he thinks are his friends that he is a sociopath.
Lessons learned and there is light at the end of the drama. I am very blessed to have the friends and family that I do. Without their love and support getting through this would have been so very much harder.
Hi welcome to the site 🙂 It is frustrating when we look back and realise that we could have ended the drama and ruse earlier. Or I felt frustrated by that. I am pleased that you have good support from family and friends too!
Hi Positivagirl
Thank you, I am so glad to have found this site. You are right it is frustrating when looking back but, only hindsight is 20 / 20. On the positive side, this has taught me to question things that seem off or, too perfect. I can’t imagine getting through this without the support of people who love you. I really needed them to deprogram the crap that he had told me.
Best of luck to everyone that finds themselves involved with a sociopath.
It has taught me to question too, I admit, that sometimes I wish that I could return to living ‘innocent’.
Why do you refer to the psychopath as “he”??
Because this post was written early days of this blog, back in 2013.