How does it feel to date a sociopath?
At first the sociopath will assess you, he will find out what makes you tick. What are you worth? What can he get out of you?
They ask probing questions, and you feel swept off your feet. They seem to know you well. It can only be a soul mate connection, right?
They move in FAST
The relationship moves at speed, often this is before you feel ready for it. This can make you question if there is something wrong with YOU, as you don’t feel that way yet, ‘perhaps you should’? You think.
They tell you all kinds of amazing things about yourself. Many of the things they say, will be mirrored back to you, from things that you have said earlier. With the probing questions, came answers that they will now manipulate you with. They will say anything that they can think of, to win you, to seduce you.
- D0 you have money worries? No worries, they will financially support you.
- You are feeling low about yourself? Do you have a lack of self-esteem? No worries, they will tell you how wonderful, beautiful, intelligent you are.
- D0 you find it difficult to trust? Have you been let down by someone in the past? NO worries, they will show you morals, how moralistic they are, to build trust.
- You are finding life difficult to cope with? No worries they will be the biggest help, they will listen intently, they will be there for you, they will be helpful, useful
- Are you successful? Do you have money to share? No worries, they will help you spend it….
They will go to great lengths. Why? They do this because they are predators.
In asking those probing questions, with that predatory stare that sometimes unnerved you, they were finding out your weaknesses. Whilst confiding in them your insecurities, they were storing this information. Like a predator.
What happens next is the love bombing. They bombard you and want to spend all of their time with you. It is likely that they will move in with you. They will shower you with affection and attention. You feel you are the centre of their world.
In the following period, they will use all of the information learned about you in the assessment period, to use you, drain you, and to gain everything from you that they can. But you will not be aware of this.
It is not because you are stupid. It’s because they are practised at being this way and you, you are not used to detecting someone of this evil nature.
You will not notice at first, that there is a lack of link to their past, the absence of friends, and family. All of the usual connections will not be present. However, he will notice who provides support in your life.
Gradually, he will isolate you from those people who give you support. He will make comments, so that you fall out with those people. He knows that having you alone and isolated from support is where he thrives best. He doesn’t want you to talk to other people, who might warn you off of him.
You are too valuable, right now, you are their prize. You are the life source of which he has none. You give him what he has not. This includes money, family and friends and a roof over their head.
You will not notice that they are taking from you. Not at first anyway. Remember that this person is a compulsive pathological liar. They will say and do almost anything to protect their lie.
After a while, you realise that you are the only one who is giving and that he is taking. You start to feel a sense of loss. And then you object. This is when the gas lighting starts.
The seduction stage is now over.
The sociopath now moves into gaming mode. Now that he has gained your trust, and you have fallen in love, he has control. It is now time to play the game. Lies are told, and they talk at a rate of 1000 miles an hour, you become confused. If you object, they tell you that you are crazy. By now many of you have lost people close to you, and have nobody else to give you a reality check. They now have you exactly where they want you.
Maybe those people close to you did try to warn you. But with his help, you shut out those friends, after all they were just jealous, bitter, they don’t have what you have?
When you think about things that don’t add up they gas light you further, so you begin to question your own sanity.
You might start to realise what is going on. Maybe you have evidence, maybe all those lies do not add up. After months of confusion, you start to see the light…. just slightly.
The sociopath can now see the end is near, his game is almost up. Or at least nearly, but he will give it one last shot. He will go to great lengths to cover for himself, and tell you that you are paranoid and insecure. Maybe you are now starting to become this way. After all, your mind has been played with. You have been manipulated, and deceived.
You decide that you have had enough. Your life is now going to the pan. Perhaps you have lost your job, financially you have lost, maybe you have also lost friends and family in the time you were defending him and they were trying to talk sense into you.
You have invested so much and lost so much, this can’t be true it can’t be happening? You didn’t want all that loss for nothing ….and so you try to make it work.
But he knows that the game is up or at least coming near to. So, out of the blue, the truth starts to emerge. He will do this deliberately. Deliberately he will let you know exactly what was happening and how stupid you were. You will feel embarrassed and ashamed that this has happened to you.
You try to rebuild your life, to catch up with old friends and other people in your life, anything to get back to normality and away from him.
But he is not going to let you get away that easily. Remember those things you told him in the probing questioning, assessment stage? At the time when you thought he was the love of your life? Well those things are now the very things that he will use against you…
It is now time for the smear campaign. The sociopath now has nothing to lose. He can’t have people finding out about him, as he hates exposure. So, he will report things you did when confused and he was gas lighting you. He will now contact people close to you, to discredit you.
At the end of the relationship he will bombard you again. But this time it is not pleasant. He will stalk you and he will still keep close tabs on you. He is still clinging on for the last bit of control that he has.
You feel so alone. So damaged and so confused. What the hell has happened? You cannot talk about this to the people who warned you off him, either they have left, or you cannot talk to them, after you defended him so strongly and who would believe you anyway?
You are left alone… confused, bewildered, damaged, maybe your life is totally ruined…
You search the internet desperate for answers, what has happened to you, and why? You need to understand. You are quite understandably devastated, confused, lost, and totally bewildered. Your mind has been played with, often for quite a considerable time.
And so you seek help. You go online, and you search for answers. Then, you find websites, you go through the list, Is this him? You want it not to be true. If you are seeking the answer, is my partner a sociopath? If you recognise the crazy behaviour of your partner in this post, the answer is probably yes.
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Dating a Sociopath 
I got sucked into your blog. I have read more than a few entries and thought “oh my God, this explains why he did x, y, and z”. Thank you.
Thank you for your comments. One thing they all do, is follow the same pattern. 🙂
I have broke the no contact and now I’m in contact with the next victim. I’m struggling with letting this abuser go. I feel like I needed to see them together so I could know for sure. I am done now. Struggling to pull the pieces of my life together. I tried to warn he but the Socio had gotten to her. I will probably not contact her again. It’s useless. Help me. Help myself.
This has been my life for the past two years…exactly. From the bombardment of love and affection from the beginning to the mean, hateful bombardment at the end it…it was my life. The isolation from family and friends was right there in the middle. I gave it all up for him, my house, my town, everything. For what? Unspeakable cruelty. Thank you for posting this so that those of us out there know we are all alone.
Thank you Katrina, no you are not alone. Isn’t it funny how one post can sum up the relationship of so many people who have been with those with a disordered mind. Try out the forum that I sent you details for. It can be so helpful and remove you out of the fog.
How anyone can be so cruel…. I would say is beyond me. But sadly now, I know it is not. Thank you for your comment. My email is on my contact section, if ever you wanted to talk.
Thank you for the truth!
You are welcome Lena!!! Thank you for visiting my blog! 🙂
That’s so my ex boyfriend! Except the ending part–once he had drained me dry and left, he didn’t look back or reappear… Maybe not yet. And all of this is stuff we can see in anyone else’s relationship; never our own!
I think others could see it happening to me. But it wasn’t that I was stupid, it was that he went to great lengths to cover for himself.
Fake phone calls in front of me
Lies about his past
Empty promises
Looking back, I did keep a diary, if I had known what a sociopath was, I think I would have seen straight through him. Well I would have, by what I had written.
When they do final devalue and discard they don’t look back….. as that would risk their two fears…. loss of control and fear of exposure. Usually they have planned their escape long before you have any clue there is anything wrong, behind your back 😦 Thank you for visiting! 🙂
Yeah, and when you make the break up 21st century official (changing your Facebook relationship status) and you get 37 likes immediately, you’re SURE everyone else saw : )
Thanks for sharing!
That hurts. It is the ultimate feeling of betrayal. But likely he was spreading lies, and smear campaigns against you behind your back 😦
Facebook…. root of all evil I swear!! 🙂
Thank you for this! It’s a very good source to read!
You are more than welcome. Thank you for visiting my page 🙂
Oh, my! Everyday I realise that I should have known better. We are so many… so many in this kind of relationships… How did I miss it? and for 17 long years!!!!!
Hey April, thank you for visiting. You are quite right too, how can you miss it?
I think the answer is charisma….. charisma seem to cover a lot!!!
And the best part is….. you suffered for 17 years, and now you are awake. I think they use gaslighting to manipulate you, and confuse you.
Yep! That’s it, I must rejoice… I am free.
Thanks, you are a star! I will enjoy following your blog.
You are welcome April, When did you ‘escape’?
Already 5 years ago… in these 5 years, 2 were spent fighting the system to claim my rights, find a way to protect me and my child. Now, I should feel relaxed and enjoy (I thought I would, kid of throw a big party…), but of course, the post-partum (;-) is painful and full of secondary issues (money is a big one!! Nightmares, lack of trust in just about any male… etc). Time will help.
Great article!! You were right on spot about these social terrorist!
I have just nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! Based on this article alone, I wish I could give you more..http://learus.wordpress.com/2013/03/31/very-humbled-honored-and-most-of-all-inspired/
Ah I almost missed this!! Thank you so much!! I don’t know how to embed this into my blog?? But I will put it on the thank you comments. Thank you it means a lot. I find your writing really inspirational too!! Thank you 🙂
This is such a good article! Thank you for sharing!
First time for every award, right? Don’t kill me but I had to give you this award. There are NO questions to answer… just acknowledge 10 other people who make up your wp family. As always, don’t want you to feel obligated, just wanted you to feel love 🙂 Here’s the link:
Congratulations!
Thank you!! 🙂
You are most VERY welcome!
It is not because you are stupid. It’s because they are practised at being this way and you, you are not used to detecting someone of this evil nature.
This exactly! This is where I struggle even after the initial bad time and finally feeling good. This part is the hardest for me still!
Yes. I know. It can hurt that someone you trusted, can turn on you. Betray you. It affects our sense of judgement, and who we can trust, or feel that we can trust. I found that so difficult 😦
With just dating a female sociopath I have a different view. Not completely different but there are differences that I see. I have to think on this to write in detail what I’ve experienced but thank you for giving me the drive to write about it.
You are welcome Charles. I do write mostly about male sociopaths as the majority (according to statistics) are males. BUT – I think statistics are scewed there are far more females than documented but.
1. Males don’t report it
2. It is common for females to use sexuality to seduce
3. Historically it has been the male role to provide financially for the female…
I agree. Id say the split is more likely 50:50 its just sociopaths can stay under the radar.
Society is more sympathetic to the female sociopath as they are masters of the pity play.
Both male and female are equally dangerous.
Its just the tactics that are slightly different both use to game. Both equally and inherently deceitful though.
My family and friends spotted signs early on – God bless them as testament to my sanity, integrity, well being and just good old me they know to some degree. Being “love bombed” and under the spell and illusion of “love will conquer all” I’d accept that maybe I was wrong and make up after I broke up with her for what most normal people would do in that particular situation, a few weeks later when things went back to normal and in fact every argument thereafter I was made out to be Mr. Bad. I was vilified, accused falsely and publicly humiliated by people with fake profiles on fb. I kept falling for the same trick all the time opposing the consistency that they will never change cause love, believes all things, hopes all things – needless to say all consuming evidently.
My mistake was to fight fire with fire, my anger subjected me to succumb to her pushing the manipulative buttons to get the worst out of me, cause she knew she kept on making a fool out of me. Her persistent trance-like hypnotic love wording triggered a sense of believe yet you end up self inflicted, worse off and even feeling bad about yourself, this is what they almost artfully do craftiness their profession comes out. They play you against yourself, what Satan does…
Saddest thing really is we only realize this once they’ve effectuated the most damaging account of themselves and the searing introspection begins along with the proverbial, when will we ever learn, to put matters on an all time high comes the inspired romcom fun when they get the greatest kick out of it by making you think that there is hope the only fool being made is yourself by yourself trying to get them back and only proving their supernatural controlling and manipulative
powers they have over you, no contact worked perfectly for me and I’m resolute!!! On a supernatural level
“They play you against yourself, what Satan does…”
“no contact worked perfectly for me and I’m resolute!!! On a supernatural level”
What finally caused you to be so resolute (defining moment/mind shift), and how do you maintain it?
How does a Bhuddist become self realized? It depends from person to person, we allow and attract things toward us by our innate character and as it, is our learning passes into our character. We’re all on a journey of self discovery whether we like it or not, knowing what we know and who we’ve become presently is defined by our experience, we will evolve and as we did, liking it or not, we’re not the pivot of the clock swinging the pendulum either. What moves and motivates us daily is that wonderful verb…our life essence elixir….love. Loving yourself enough is the answer and I’ve always held Socrates close “Know thyself, for only so can one enjoy the keen delights of the mind”
I actually have been reading a few articles – theyre great btw, but I m writing bc I wanted to address this… I wish youd stop the male-centric view of sociopathy. Speaking for myself its offputting as a reader. As it so happens, their not much any statistically significant divergence between male and female sociopathy and as far as writing method theirs no literary reason to say he (or she for that matter) when “they” or “the sociopath” will suffice.
Hi In earlier posts this was just a personal blog where i was writing for myself really having a rant. I think it is o only the first couple of months that I wrote like that – all of the later posts are gender neutral – this is one of the first posts….. you are right there are also female sociopaths.
All of this is so accurate to my life with this man. My sister talked of his evil eyes. My friend even claimed he was sociopathic. However, I thought they were the heartless ones. How could they possibly know our connection? He made me believe I was the one. His soul mate. Blah blah blah. In the beginning he asked me intimate questions and found my fears and weaknesses. He was then the one who would make it all better. The outrageous promises he’d make even made me laugh. Although, I thought it endearing, my sister called it “insane”. He had no real friends. Was a loner. Estranged from his family. Women problems in his past. However, the most charming to all strangers etc. I couldn’t believe his charm. It made me weak at the knees. Then “the mask” started to slide. His words did not reflect his actions. His private words to me about others did not reflect his public charm. His sexual appetite was questionable. And I’m no prude! He would promise me a child (I was the chosen one to have his baby) and in the same sentence would say we would have the Antichrist! Odd! Yet, I’d forgive him and tell him my love for him. The mind games they play?? And I still have a slight affection for him. Aargh.
Isn’t it funny how we find it ‘endearing’ yet others see it as insane? All of those empty false promises, stalling for time, which never comes true. Just wasting life and wasting time… Wasting YOUR life!! 😦
Ok that is really creepy….I am starting to believe that my boyfriend is a sociopath…It’s really hard for me to even try to accept that he may be though…he convinced me to leave my whole family and my previous fiance and moved in immediately…he even told me that if we had a kid it would probably be the antichrist….when I read that in your comment Jaq I literally froze in shock
It was like “Been There! Done That!” nopes….i stand corrected – “Been There! Experienced That!” ha ha ha 😀 that was one hell of a time (i mean really a hell of a time). But its kind of funny when i remember that story 🙂 Anyway! that was a great write up. Love the flow in which you described it!!! Way to go!!! Cheers!!!
I dated one sociopath as a teen and was left very damaged and vulnerable, even doubtful of my own self worth after that. This led me to a string of poor relationship choices, and, eventually to a very bad, damaging marriage. Twenty plus years later, the funds were running dry, the jig was nearly up, I stopped pretending to all the world that everything was A-Okay in our lives, and then the threat of violence reared it’s deadly head, and I finally packed up and left, in fear of my life. I’m not done reeling yet. Sing on, sister. The world needs to know.
Thank you!! 🙂
Wow. Reading this I see my exact relationship minus the ending. I am thankful every day that I have the friends and family that I do as they got me to shake my head of his spell and got me out. It has been so hard to put into words what happened to those who have been lucky enough to never go through something like that. I think you have done it perfectly.
Thank you, am glad it makes sense to you!! Its just good to know that there is someone else out there who gets it. As I found it impossible to explain to people. Was also ashamed that it had happened too. Thank you for your comments!!
OH GOD
???
Why I am so blind?
They blind their victim.
Its a clever hypnotic trick Wish. Don’t feel so bad. Although I know that it hurts. The sociopath is very clever, very manipulative. Many smart, intelligent people can be fooled by them. They go to great lengths to cover for their lies. You could never know. I am fairly intelligent, am good at psychology, even though I suspected from early days, his over the top actions to cover for his lies, had me (almost) fooled and deceived. Yes you are right they do blind their victim, it is like hypnosis… they lure you in and hypnotise you almost, by bombarding you, you do not have time to think, and you do not have time to talk to others for second opinion. They sell you back yourself, and the good side of you – so you feel good…. sociopaths can make you feel good…. you were not blind – it is just that they are clever and manipulative!
He show all the signs!
Thank you for that reply positivagirl.. It makes me feel less alone. I am continuously surprised at how many people have had similar to almost exact life stories. Scared also.
I am still in two minds as to whether or not my ex (and father of my child) is a sociopath or not. At the beginning of our relationship, he’d just come out of prison for serving a year for fraud, we moved in together and he managed to get me to open bank accounts and take out loans for him (which are still on my credit report and I am now blacklisted). He told me I was his world, soul mate and would die for me.
He has cheated on me three times that I know about, and has let his own son down in the past because of his lying. He is now saying that he did all of this because he was drinking heavily. He is still trying to get me back even though he has bled me dry emotionally and financially. He won’t pay the loan balances off, keeps coming up with different excuses as to why he can’t, he has no friends as he ripped them off over the past few years and lied to them. He has slagged me off to many people but to my face he is still saying that he wants me back. I have nothing to offer him now, why is he still chasing me? Surely a Sociopath would be moving onto his next victim? I have looked on websites to see if he could be one and my doctor and therapist say that he is. But I’m still not certain. He has conned people out of money when sober. But does conning people out of money make him a sociopath? He blames his parents for the way he was brought up but they gave him a lot of love. He blames his ex-wife for being violent towards him. Actually, he blames a lot of people for the way he has behaved. Hopefully I will be able to figure out what to do but it does help reading this blog………thank you x
Hi Claire,
It is difficult to come to terms with at first. If your ex is NOT a sociopath – then neither is mine!!
What makes you think that he is NOT a sociopath? I think that is probably a more helpful question for you, I will post links to answers that will help you.
I know at first, we go into denial, we do not want the person that we love to have a personality disorder. It is easier to deny it, and to hope that things will get better.
You ask why? Why would he still be in contact with you? Sociopaths do, for source of supply. So, he still sees you as a person who he can live off (roof over his head, sex, money) and also you have a child together. Once you are living with him, you are stuck with him, stuck paying for him.
Blaming everyone else, is also common. Sociopaths like to play the victim.
Look at it this way – he went to jail for fraud – then he got you to take out money for him.
He WONT pay you back, and saying that he will is merely stalling for time. Sociopaths love to stall for time.
Why do you think that he is NOT a sociopath? (I will post you to a link that answers the question)…
Ah bless you for replying. Will look forward to reading the link.
ps, I have voted for you on the Cosmo blog awards x
Thank you for voting for me.
You are probably confused by his ability to be kind
https://datingasociopath.com/sociopath-character-traits/confusion-of-kindness/
And the fact that he blames his past his childhood, to make you feel sorry for him
https://datingasociopath.com/sociopath-character-traits/cunning-and-manipulative/victim-mentality/
Discovering someone is a sociopath is always quite a shock – you grieve the person that you thought they were.
https://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/20/sociopath-break-up-grieving-the-person-that-you-thought-they-were/
It IS like a bereavement – the first stage is always DENIAL….
https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/the-five-stages-of-grief/
My ex constantly kept in contact with me. Contacted me every day. We were friends daily for almost a year after splitting. I was also confused for quite a while, but I was lying to myself, as I didn’t want to see the truth.
They are such good liars that they are good at persuading you that this time it will be different it will be better – it is because of x y z excuse – they might even mean that, but the sad truth is that they CAN’T change. Something in their brain switches – if he says he is going to pay you back – this is not reality. It won’t happen. Remember that he was in jail for fraud before meeting you. (my ex got his ex before me into thousands of debt and she lost her home) he owed friends money too….. his past is who he is – and his future will be the same again. He will only take you down further.
What you see with his son, he will do the same, sociopaths repeat behaviour again and again and again. There isn’t any change.
Your doctor and your therapist are right I think – you can’t change him – but you CAN change you!! 🙂
how does one go about getting their life back Pre-psychopath exposure after ALL of the above has taken place? this one is keeping me from life-saving medical treatment as well, creepy but he gets off on my pain (from illness) at this point I’m too sick physically to do much for myself. any comments will be appreciated (the stalking part, etc., etc. has failed each attempt I’ve made to get away, and I’m just exhausted) Am at the point of giving up for real, it’s been 3 years – worst part is, this one has associates nationwide plus. opposite of anti social is the only difference in my situation than from the above. ugh isn’t there a support group? *cry*
Hi Liz, nice to meet you. I will have a support forum here next week. Hopefully Monday, but it depends what time they put it in place.
It sounds like you are too exhausted to go into full on battle to get even and get him out of your life, I wouldn’t recommend that.
Have you tried legal getting an injunction out against him? Or have you tried and it doesn’t work? In a few days I will have a support forum here.
Positivagirl, yes please delete ALL of my above posts. Thanks.
Well, I’ve certainly learned something today. Interesting. And these guys will prey on women and their loneliness.
Wow I love this blog, This ablsolutely the man that scammed me, yea I figured out the scam ,but a sociopath too!! Whoo,he was smooth. Thankyou,I hope putting my email in here connects me to all information. I think we should all put names a pictures of these guys, maybe some of us are talking about the same men.
They are smooth Marybeth. I should have a support forum up and running in a day or so. It’s nice to meet you thank you for your comments.
That – -before I got sidetracked with my long long comment, since the smear campaign and seperation from my friends (reinstated friendship being dependent on promise not to mention his name) I havent really spoken of all this for awhile so tendency to get ccarried away by thoughts I suppose lol- — was the crux of my question. There is a woman, his first ex, that have only heard horrible things about and how dramatic etc and vindicitive and cruel she is but she has the answers that would free me from his hold (his son) over me.. I want to talk to her and have for months but now he made me scared to even talk to those there I was friends with and who previously supported me. Do you think she could possibly not know what he is? Do you think its possible she does but is one too? Is this just a terrible idea? Any advice from anyone appreciated here.
I would contact her – you might be surprised, sociopaths love to play the victim. Mine told me his ex was a psycho. She wasn’t – he was lol, and what they told me did definitely help me!! 🙂
So I just met these two people ( she left him already) but I don’t know if she’s histronic because she described him as a sociopath. I call them Mr. & Mrs. Dysfunctional because only a emotionally dead person inside would be able to handle the whirlwind of drama that woman creates. Or did he make her that way?
The Love Bomber is correct!! And these two people have been in several different states in the last few months and she has already gone after 3 months in this town. Crazy! How do people allow themselves to be used?
You just described my entire relationship, the only problem was always that middle part…. there was a time when I knew exactly what he was and he launched into this reversal of everything he became even more loving and attentive than he had in the beginning (we were long distance and he had moved in with me for a month in the beginning when we spent the entire time, mostly just us, 24/7 (and yet when realizing at first what he was, then thought just a narcissist cause thats another description he fits to a T… I now realize he is a malignant narcissistic or narcissistic psychopath whichever term you prefer… I tried to break up with him before then but he lovebombed me again… this time with more focus on sexuality and keeping me constantly in a state of needing him sexually and sending him pics etc. I think while he worked on removing the support of me I had where he lived from his family and friends who the last time I was there had defended me and yelled at him about his behavior to me………… the thing is I knew it the whole time then, I had sensed his manipulations as they occurred the first time he lovebombed me but hadnt associated the with psychopathy because I am just used to that behavior from my other long term ex and my parents and mistakenly believed if I saw the covert hypnosis, gaslighting and lovebombing it wouldn’t effect me , and yet I was in fact in love with him so clearly it had. This culpability or thinking I was paranoid increased more though and is still present as I cannot call myself a victim of him, nor admit that I am in any way despite having left a lucrative job in the beginning of our relationship, now being in a smaller place and trying to catch up with friends I lost. Because I chose to do all those things).
I didnt understand his choosing me. I was in a relationship with his best friend, someone like his brother who had been his closest ally since they were small children and who ended the friendship when we told him the truth (my boyfriend spoke, I couldnt manage to even look my ex in the eye,it was the first time I had ever cheated. My boyfriend could have let it go as a one time thing -although hes told me since how he sowed the seeds that I thought at the time I saw him sow but wasnt sure cause it was insane to think, and set out to steal me long before he did when my boyfriend and I fought and I got drunk and stoned with him, I didnt think anything had happened but he told me it did and I said we should just forget it like never happened as an automatic response to a situation had never been in before. He nodded but we talked on the phone every day and night constantly till the next time I came, a weekend later, by which point he had already confessed his love and phrased it as “I would never do something like that with someone if I didnt have real feelings and I know you arent like that either” btw lol)
I wasnt a victim in the beginning I think, I got a lot out of being with him because (and this much is still the case) at no point did I became less secure. The opposite… I saw what I, as a longtime introspection junkie, experience junkie and Buddhist have longed for . myself and points of weakness in myself that stop me from growing and being more at peace with the world. I saw my amazing qualities which I love and then the insecurities and issues of the past (another thing cause of him I dealt with my parents pathology and also identified my ex as malicious in his physical abuse which sounds ridiculous but which de to thinking insecurity and maliciousness, rather than being necessary for one another to thrive, being impossible bedfellows) seemed ridiculous in someone so perfect and amazing as I saw him would think otherwise… then I realized instantly that I was the same as him so in trying to help him see that I realized t myself and gained a confidence not really lost since all from when he mirrored me (he had been honest about who he was without labeling it, he told me what he said at least he hadnt told others, of the darkness inside him and that it was just an empty pit of rage that clawed at the person he had to create and who he tried to be, he told me of people he manipulated and he told me even of girls he made fall in love with him only to cruelly discard them in a twisted attempt to aid a friend – this is how a mutual friend of ours who, again without labeling, knows exactly what he is and told me when I correctly identified one of his convoluted plots or lies early on that I was likely correct and he was wholly capable of such a deceit.
This, by the way, constantly listening to my intuition and being right is another thing that gave me great confidence even when he left my place, went back to his, changed completely -and told me he was in love with his ex and then left me twice in a week and came back without even asking forgiveness or allowing me to ask a thing about what happened- I knew everything would be alright, I finally learned the Buddhist practice of loss of attachment I had long been striving for .. I had peace of mind even in the cruelest breakup imaginable (three of them including the last when he lasted a whole week in break up mode not speaking to me).
One which came after the second lovebombing after I had just visited, on our anniversary which he had pointed out and just after Valentines Day… oh and before I was about to move in with him again. Most importantly to him I think, after having successfully ended my friendships with his family and that friend. (Or so he thought. When even then I reacted positively o the breakup -after not so much and seriously mourning for three days before realizing that I was mourning noting and he had done nothing for me ever, as long as I still had the increased intuition which being right all along only made semi-psychic even with other people and the strength gained when he was mirroring, I got amazing things from being with him and he was left with the same empty nothingness he had before. I only let him win if I broke or if I became like him which was increasingly becoming a concern… and moreover when his sister in law and I kept talking ….
…thats when the smear campaign started. I believe its seeds were sown months earlier. At that time I told his brother, a friend of mine before we dated who during that trip had yelled at him over his treatment of me, and sister in law that he would turn them against me and that they should rethink their hatred of his exes (who I didnt know, though one was the best friend of that former mutual friend’s estranged wife). Everyone, even that friend and all others in that state I knew, hated her and stuck completely to his story of her being a horrible, disgusting, almost inhumane person who was such a terrible mom she deserved her kids taken away by him when her boyfriend abused them and my (back then future) boyfriend called the police and took them to the hospital, he says after seeing the abuse escalate and, as she had professionally wrapped one of their hurt arms in a manner which a doctor would and said they had been to the hospital, was covering up for her guy. So when someone who hates him corroborated his story that she came into the hospital after this atrocity and only cared about herself by saying “How could you do this to me ??!” I was appropriately disgusted along with everyone else. Especially as she told police it was my boyfriend so both his child and the one he claims to have been with her for after falling madly in love with the cute kid (who he now ignores despite the child only ever knowing him as a father) and needed to protect from her horrible parenting. This whole thing is another thing that kept me staying with him. He used his kid to torment me (yelling at him, swearing at him, making jokes about killing him and saying bad things about the kids mother to him in front of me …… all of which he knows I find disgusting and yet also find it not okay to comment on how children are raised, especially as I dont have my own. But he fostered a close bond between that child and myself that still is present today and when his kid asks when Im coming and that he misses me -I think prompted by my boyfriend …. still not ok because the child has abandonment issues that whether created by my boyfriend or not are very much present). But add to tat the fact that I havent been able to shake some doubts about the validity of everything that happeneed (the kids were abused that much I know. But is the right man in jail for it? Did he make it worse than it was to get back at his ex? Did something worse and more sinister, considering the child is in that house now with his father who I think created him, and him happen? Is it just as he said and the fact that I noticed him trying to get the reactions out of me that he focuses on to point to his ex being horrible, both of them actually, and spreading lies about me now too, is that a coincidence? Cause I noted it a couple months before the real smear campaign launched… though I think he sowed the seeds long before that. It makes me realize that having no ties there any longer, the only chance I have to get back to talk to people I trusted and loved who turned on me during his last attack of me (stealthy as it was Im sure) and get answers, I dont know who to even trust to ask via facebook or email or phone… and I dont know who would know. So I am stuck holding on and playing at love (something I keep slipping in and out of while doing so) while trying to figure it out.
Thats the other thing, I loved him almost throughout it all and still kind of do despite knowing he is a psychopath and narcissistic. Until really accepting he was capable of anything when the child concern came to my mind (something that even that mutual friend whod back even the most ridiculous sounding things I thought my ex was up to that he always would be confirmed by his sister in law or brother who lived with him, though I didnt ask specifically that but rather if he was sure his then former wife’s friend was really so horrible as everyone said and he said yes she was I didnt even need to go there cause she is just pure drama), I just wanted him to know I knew what he was, wasnt a fool, but would be his anyway.. Or maybe I didnt, I dont know, but despite everything, I have so many unbelievable options of guys around me…. ones that I have known longer and some new ones, and various people who I once would have liked and responded positively to their advances…. ones even superficially better for me, from good families like mine, from wealth as I am and good looking like I am. My boyfriend wouldnt fall under those categories to anyone but me I think I see people good looking or not based on how I see them as people And that is also terrifying because I still see him as hot and I still want him sexually. He was the best sex I ever had. Anyway, I do think he is catching on to me being on to him and he is coming to see me in a week (first time in months since we split for a week at the culmination of his smear campaigns and since I last spoke to anyone else over there so I feel like despite trusting myself Im still going in blind and that terrifies me too).
Aside from his son, the other thing that keeps me holding on are those very friends that he took from me. I keep realizing one thing after another (like the odd behavior I noticed of his family all probably just went back to 1. His portrayl of them to me as the sources of all his pain and the burden of which he puts up to keep them from putting such pain onto each other…so he valiantly takes his older brothers cruelty to protect his sister in law -who he also talks badly about and complains of like he talks about his own children without realizing I think how bad that makes him look to me, not to mention inconsistent- and likewise lets his father put everything on him and treat him dreadfully and unfairly so it wont go onto his mother, who again he also moans and growns about. Unless he is in a rare -only seen during the breakup and out of no where as I said nothing bad about his family the entire time we were together – “F you! I love my family and they are all I have now!” mood… I think that was for show or something
, I dont know (he also made me promise not to speak to them, because he hated me he yelled as his brother was sending angry messages to me about a lie he told him about me (which btw I was ignoring despite being able to prove his lie and expose him while also proving my own innocence, because I thought at least this way he and his family could bond over some shared dislike of me, not realizing they shared dislike of all his girlfriends and it hadnt changed anything or that maybe he was the only problem in that family) ….. figure that one out)
I had and have still the proof of this all being lies but didnt reveal it cause of that stupid notion of helping, also because it seemed a bad thing to do when that emtional and angry with him and in fact that day it seemed like he was almost trying to piss me off and get me to reveal the truth which he knew I had. Even if they didnt believe pictures or screencaps of messages and phone logs proving he , not I , was always the one to call and after the breakup he did in fact threaten suicide and that wasnt some insane attempt to win back someone I had already realized I was better off without that I had it ready to go to his brother, his sister in law (who I hadnt needed to as she could see through the bs but who I havent spoken to since because I dont know if its her on her fb or number or her husband who was once my friend as well), our mutual friend (who also havent now spoken to in months thinking he had just gotten back together with his wife which was his aim for a year or so and was busy in happy reunion bliss I had left alone for months not realizing that my boyfriend had not only attempted to plant seeds of discord, but probably, unbelievable as it seemed, succeeded), and ex who he kept cheating/insinuating possible or current cheating with throughout our relationship (whose number he had that week “accidentally” sent to me.
Even if that and my other evidence and common sense wouldnt be enough, Id be happy to say “look at our phone records, I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.” Though I now realize even doing this would make me seem to them dramatic because of previous lies he has told…. despite him starting the drama, not letting me escape the drama and me going to great lengths to avoid being in any way dramatic (even just defending myself from the onslaught that hit me that week) …still any grand attempt to tell the truth would be a negative in their eyes. He painted me into a corner I still dont know how to get out of . And I did let it go, but the more I realize how much he smeared me even from the start (lying about how much I called him, faking calls, lovebombing me in private while acting like he was the one not to care in public, anything to remove the obvious that I was and knew I was out of his league from peoples minds around there.) and after taking ego blow after ego blow cause mine could handle it while his, (him being a narcissist which is a disorder founded in insecurity and perpetuated in attempts to avoid shame and guilt which come out as cruelty and vicious disregard for wellbeing of all that foster them or attempt to), couldnt ……while I dont want to become him or anything like him, I want the truth out now and I want my name cleared and I need some idea or hope that people like him dont always win by playing dirty and doing wrong. Cause I realized one horrible way he got to me. He changed my beliefs. I had a spell of bad luck recently and I just acknowledged with no hope that yeah, the person who stole from me, he would be fine (and he was) and I would just be screwed and have to deal with it and replace stuff taken cause people like that always get what they want and leave the rest of us scrambling to get half whast we had before they enter our lives….. I dont like believing that.
Its kinda like our whole relationship is that Cazzette song “weapon” . He actually did use my love as a weapon towards me and what was meant to show I loved him and help him past any insecurity (insecuty that he knew I knew my ex had had due to the same league difference which caused him to physically and emotionally abuse me…but doesnt compare to what my boyfriend has done to me, he took psychological torture and emotional abuse to another level of pain) . He used that to get me to lower myself more and more for him, using covert hypnosis which he reveled in telling me after the fact when I couldnt change the patterns of reaction he had instilled in me which were often humiliating and degrading as he used sex and punishment and conditioning as a threefold strategy of interwoven sadistic cruelty to bring me to my knees and yet still beg for more….. even while pleading for him to let me go and knowing what he is.
He got me to put myself so far down in front of others for his sake to make him more confident I thought, though now I think he doesnt need it as his delusion does that fine, and I never was that far down at all (except during sex maybe and in our sex life) something they would see if I lived there (maybe why he always bucks out right when I am meant to move). And something friends here can see clearly …though not seeing his psychopathic effects on me or having any concept what a psychopath is the things I tell him, even things he does in public there seem so disgusting to them that they just dont get it at all or if I dont tell them they just think I need to ‘let it go’ like it was any other relationship. Which is also what I have been telling myself but its really never that simple is it?
Cause every life lesson I learned from attachment being bad so let people go and be free (which I did with him and which he punished me for three times) , to love big and let yourself trust (he was the first time I really did that and I was fine when we broke up first two times to trust still so he kept going and going and is waiting I think to devastate that completely to be satisfied), to ‘dont stoop to someones level or play their game, just stand up and walk away from the board’ (which I did by never partaking or even responding to any of his drama even with not sending that evidence to his brother, my friend I thought, who I was being berated and mocked by based on the lies that evidence would disprove etc….the result of which was he still came back for more, got what he wanted for all intents and purposes, and I lost friends and people I cared about who eventually whether they are placating or not, in his mind, went back to being “players in the stage of my world … they all do what I want them to do” and who did go on the offensive for him). I , for the first time in my life, assimilated the immense growth I had undertaken in the last few years especially, and was a strong, successful, independently wealthy,just plain independent, confident and happy woman….. I still am most of those things if not all and actually a bit more maybe, but he is , by his presence and existence and what he showed me humans are capable of … undermining all that I believe in and thought I knew. And I just find further injustice in me being the one that after all he has done having to let it go rather than absolving myself or “getting revenge” ….
By let it go I mean my friends and any ties have left to state I lived in on and off the last almost decade of my life that he ripped away. (I dont mean let it go like let him go, that I know is something that isnt unfair but good and healthy cause during the one week we were not together my energy came back enough to realize he was nothing but a drain. Causing me stress and costing me friends and giving nothing in return)… thats another lesson reversed or attempted to be by him … When breaking up See truth. Grieve and be sad (I did for days but then the above realization hit) dont numb yourself or become destructive (I didnt ever during any of our breakups, but started to a bit when he later claimed to be dying which made me really grieve and forgive as well as forget the bad deeds of past as his deathbed confessions would always explain well enough his behavior considering he was dying…do it didnt matter) . Then forgive and let go. All of which I did and which he undid in everyones eyes to point I started believing his lies (well at least the one that I wanted him back) myself
You have so much self awareness…as do I…it mucks our perceptions up. I am exactly like you. I say…you get what you settle for,etc…..that is the problem. My self awareness?!?! I actually feel sad for my boyfriend,that he has to go through life,as a sociopath?!?!
Oh wow… Julie. I feel the same way :’$
I believe I may have dated what you could call a sociopath. I’m 90% sure of it. He was very smooth and charming, lured me in, and the first half of the relationship was great but the second half was trash. He didn’t behave like a boyfriend and seemed to become more and more distant. He was pretty secretive. The relationship only lasted for a few months, but the scarring lasted for almost 2 years. When he broke up with me, he gave me a bull**** excuse, which deep down I knew didn’t add up but he was my first and I was naive, so I bought it. However, even though he said I did nothing wrong, while he was breaking up with me, he made me feel like I was at fault, which was quite contradictory. It looked like he wanted to get rid of me and was trying to wash his hands clear of all responsibility for something, but I couldn’t tell what it was. A couple of days later he phoned me up and started organising a trip with me, which looked like he wanted to get back together, but then a few days later that when I called him, he went all cold on me with no explanation whatsoever. Very Jekyll and Hyde. He started saying very cruel things to hurt me and it was obvious that he was once again trying to get rid of me (hey! I wasn’t the one who tried to get back together with him, he came back to me first!). All these painful blows were delivered very subtly and psychologically in such a way which made me think “did he or did he not say that deliberately?” and because I was too emotionally vulnerable to point out to him what he said, I just kept quiet. I was very sure that even if I did try and point them out he’d just act clueless and make it sound like it was all in my head. He was that type. I found out a few years later through some friends that while he and I were together he was going behind my back and making out with other girls and denying our relationship to mutual friends. Basically he never saw me as his girlfriend, but it was all just a game for him, though to MY face he’d call me his girlfriend and even used the “L” word on me. I laughed when I heard the whole truth because by that point I had long ago moved on. I made peace with it. No wonder he tried to make it sound like the “break up” was my fault! He wanted to try and deflect the fact that he was the one in the wrong! At the end of the day, I’m the one with the clean conscience, not him. So I guess that’s karma for you. 🙂
The smear campaign is literally killing me. Threats to take me to court to take my dogs….him telling me how shocked people are by MY behavior. I have NO contact with him….but this is ripping me to shreds
Hi Jennifer, have you read my articles on ruining, smear campaigns and isolation? Remember the sociopath thrives on your fear. So it is important for you to show them no fear – no emotion at all (even if you are terrified). If you don’t give your emotions to them… you retain some element of control. They thrive on your reactions. Ignore them, they will continue to threaten as this heightens your fear, keeps you in fear. Whilst you are in fear, you are controlled, they in effect own you. Tell him not to contact you further. If he wants to take you to court, go ahead. Stand your ground, block all contact. NO CONTACT —- block email, text, calls, social networking, and keep a distance from mutual friends for a while. Most of what he says is threats, the ruining and smear campaigns are awful…. and they DO say what other people say about you….. (I have written articles about it) Let me know if you struggle to find them.
Hi, this is Marion. I too am fighting with myself if I too was with a sociopath. He has done alot of the things that you say about paths. He lived off me for 7 years said he was going to work but never did. He toke alot of drugs and would disappear for days, weeks and months then would come back and blame me for leaving. He lied always and told people it was me. Sometimes he would be nice and other times he would act like he hated me. I was always confused. He would steal from others and never feel bad. When he would go to jail he would always contact me and then get out and treat me like his worst enemy. Now, when I finally asked him to get out he called this woman in seattle and moved in with her but still tries to contact me from time to time. I finally told him the dog he left behind is mine and he can’t see him he got angry, He said he would try and not have a problem with the fact that we won’t be friends. I never answered. Why does he want to stay friends when he left me for another woman. I just don’t understand this.
Dear Jennifer,
I know the deep pain you are going through now. I have just finished going through all of that (5 years). All I can say is that it takes time. You really should book in to see a counsellor, but check them out first and make sure they know what a sociopath is, so many do not (which I find incredible). It took me 5 years and many court cases to finally free myself of him. I think I may have cried myself to sleep (if I could sleep) so many nights when I realised he had rubbished me all around my home town. He even did this to my children, elderly parents, boss etc. anyone, anywhere. The emotional damage this did to me was horrific. I have lost the respect of my children, my friends almost all of my money, the list goes on. I am still not over it yet, because it is so difficult to discuss with people that just don’t get it. The internet is so great for this, I have received the best help just by looking up anything I could on Sociopaths. Jennifer it will become less painful over time, but please get some good help and don’t worry he will get caught out eventually. Kind regards, Debbie
This is all crazy I do know of my one GF who used to date JTT true story. It turns out his mothers a Narcissistic Sociopath herself pretty crazy. He dated my friend for about a year but that turned into a mess. He was very controlling he’d always call, want to be there with her. Just wouldn’t let her breath so she had enough of it he was also very controlled by his mother at a young age so I assume he got all that from her.
He couldn’t do much of anything it’s quite sad he’s mentally not okay because of it all. I just wish him the best of happiness.
Oh my goodness, what a fabulously written article. I came here from your comment on taking back earth as you said your writing was… “OK” Let me tell you that your writing is exemplary and you should be doing this as a permanent job. Great, sound advice, thank you for giving me a real reason to follow a blogger. RRB.
Aw thank you Rikki how very kind of you!! 🙂
You are most welcome. Where do you get your inspiration? :0)
Lots of places. I worked with homeless for 27 years. I was in a relationship with more than one… i am fairly spiritual anyway, so a lot of knowledge (about recovery) comes from that. And the rest, well I don’t know maybe it comes from a higher source. I am fairly observant, and a lot of what has happened to me, happened when I was very traumatised, so I was more observant of everything, probably more so than anyone else would be as I was hyper vigilant. (I had ptsd) ..
I just got out of an “almost” relationship. In the beginning he tried to charm me and find out all of my secrets, and promised me that he was going to help me with any problems I had. He wanted to know what kind of car I drove and everything. I quickly made him out to be a user and refused to follow up his victim, manipulative games. When I eventually told him that he was not the one for me he sent me a scathing email, in which he listed all of my “faults” – many of them which were his – I felt like I was in junior high school again. He refused to work, had a scattered work history, felt he was smarter than everyone else, had a history of violence against his ex- wife, and was just a real self-absorbed person. Thank goodness I began reading up on the symptoms of being a sociopath – it has helped me come to terms with this. What a mess.
Yes, an ‘almost’ relationship, is a good way to describe it. How much of it was real? None really. All lies, conning and deception. yes, knowledge is power – I found that the truth will set you free!! 🙂
The title of your home page
Yup. All the signs and information I have just read in this article are 100% accurate. I had a best friend of almost 6 years who was a Sociopath. We have matching tattoos. We went to high school together, he was charming, honor role student, handsome, fashionable. He was the perfect student…he even was Valedictorian at our graduation. But behind closed doors he was, rude, a liar, selfish, immature and a man whore who slept with anything that walked. Just a down right rotten sneaky snake of a person. Shame. And I also dated a Sociopath….he was very verbally and emotionally abusive and also cost me THOUSANDS! They are VERY controlling people indeed and will only damage you in every little way possible…the best thing to do after you realize what’s really going on is to cut them off COMPLETELY and NEVER look back, and I mean EVER! Getting away and escaping the Sociopath and ignoring their existence is the BEST revenge you can possibly get. They hate when they don’t get the last laugh. And anything else you do to possibly get even with these monsters is a big mistake as you’ll only fall back into their trap. Giving them exactly want they want as they’ll use you’re vengeance to make you out to be the bad guy…they will turn you’re friends against you, humiliate you socially, destroying you’re reputation, confidence, mental state ect. So the smartest thing is to simply go cold turkey. And the most disgusting thing about these heartless pricks is that they will try walking out of the situation trying to look like the victim as they are very skilled in convincing people to believe them. So you can end up looking like the crazy one in the end if you’re not careful. Sociopaths are truly evil people who need to be avoided at all cost PERIOD, now that I have had my own experience with two Sociopaths who ran they’re game on me I now know all the red flags and warning signs. So to the next two faced, backstabbing, fake Sociopathic person who dares to try to walk into my life and target me….please pre-order yourself a f*cking coffin before crossing my path! Because I’ll turn into a Sociopath myself if I have to before I let another one of you damage my reputation, mental health or life! Thanks 🙂
God Bless you and I know how you feel. These pieces of crap are real monsters but in the end they will get theirs. I believe, we reap what we sow and with these monsters I wish they would all crawl up and die.
I too have a blog sharing my experience dating a sociopath/psychopath. Thank you for writing this. Your blog is spot on!! http://whatisapsychopath.blogspot.com/2011/11/nothing-left-to-say.html
All the signs are 100% accurate, I have been dating a sociopath, a con man for the past 10 months, and I am just finding out about his games.
Welcome to the site Kim! 🙂
Good post, spot on with what I’ve endured. I thing it did help me do was look outside of the box and pretend I was someone else looking in and if was someone else what advice would I give myself or what would I do, being at a vantage point it all crystallized for me. I’m not only stronger, more acutely aware of how better I am or thought I could be, since my spath knows me well, and as the saying goes to catch a criminal one must think like one and thinking like a sociopath does, I’m helping myself already
Good post, spot on with what I’ve endured. What it did help me do was look outside of the box and pretend I was someone else looking in and if was someone else what advice would I give myself or what would I do, being at a vantage point it all crystallized for me. I’m not only stronger, more acutely aware of how better I am or thought I could be, since my spath knows me well, and as the saying goes to catch a criminal one must think like one and thinking like a sociopath does, I’m helping myself already
Can someone please tell me why they continue to text after months and then try to see you when they have moved onto another victim? Why do they do this? I have put the NO CONTACT in effect and refused to see him so, now what. People tell me because I was a good source of supply and they will keep trying, when can I totally feel free? Thank you for your responses!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once they find a good victim supply they don’t want to loose that. They’ll keep enough contact, even with the new victim in hand, to ensure they have the boomerang to come back to. You will be totally free when you decide to be. Only you can free yourself because your predator won’t free you. My sociopathy discovered my blog and that “I have his number.” Sometimes once they realize the victim is no longer seeing herself/himself as the victim but the victor by claiming his/her life back, they’ll move on for good. They are all about winning, once you win by reclaiming yourself, why keep up the game? Here’s my blog about the role we play and how to focus on US for a change and NOT them. I haven’t heard from mine in over a year. Best of luck to you. 😀 Lisa Jean http://whatisapsychopath.blogspot.com/2013/07/but-what-about-me.html
what does this boomerang mean? Not clear of this. Thank you I have tried to look it up.
Boomerang is when someone leaves your life — then comes back. Again and again. The boomerang effect.
Thank you for answer my question. Just wondering do they do this afters months of no contact ? I read all your blogs and find you to be a very knowledgeable and kind person. I have been recoverying for 8 months with all the help from all these woman. I want to thank you too for all your insight and positive words. God Bless you positivagirl
Yes, after 8 days, 8 months, 2 years, 5years…they come back. Maybe not at full force and with as much vigor as before. But they try to test the waters. Just ignore any contact. He’ll quickly decide to move onto easier targets. Best of luck. Stay strong!
Thank you marion. yes they can come back sometimes even years later if they think that there is a chance that you would have them back, and there was further source of supply to have from you. Sometimes they simply move on at final discard – it really depends what they are getting elsewhere. they cannot tolerate being alone so will either look for new prey – or return to old ones (if they can). If you block all ways of them making contact – they wont be able to do this and will have to move on. They are not too persistent unless they think that there is a real chance or they have something to use against you.
Well, after reading all this, I can say that I was the victim of a predator, for over a year. After I found out he was cheating on me and cheating after discovering many lies, he just hid and ignored me. I was totally uncontrolled and suffer from depression until today. Has three months and a half that the relationship is over and I can not recover. I feel destroyed. I feel with the dead soul. I do not feel that a woman can satisfy a man. I feel like crap. It was a relationship that began in a virtual game and became real. I am Brazilian and I went to the U.S. to meet him. Were the 3 best days of my life. He was perfect. But after a month I found out that he was doing the same with another girl and already I was fooling months. He never explained why he did this to me. He just ignored me and made me sick. Nowadays it’s like I did not exist in his life and as if I never existed. He treats me like I am a guilty and I am a untrusted person. He was angry because I told everything to his wife/ex-wife. But she is and was a victim of him too. And she helped me understand who he was, she is a great woman who was cheated too. But for me, until now, he was just a crap without honor. Now I can see that it was much more than that. And still manipulating my life. I still tried to be “friend” him, without any romantic relationship, to alleviate the bad feelings, but he was totally rude and do not care for it. I gave up and I said that he can now expect from me an enemy. After it, he has a friend or new virtual girlfriend to insult me and attack me. I cry every day. Sometimes by miss him and the “love” that he showed and sometimes because I feel so stupid and have been so deceived. Now he is totally silent. I’m afraid of what he can do, as it has all my information. He has threatened me once to go to the consulate and try to ban my entry to the U.S. because I travel every year on my vacation. And there is no law to protect us from this kind of person. Especially for me I’m in another country. I was manipulated into a D/s relationship. I was an idiot. And I think I am still…. I could damage his life, because I also know a lot of information about him. But I will not want to go to this point. Today he talks to other people as if I was guilty and he a victim …. He never cared about my suffering, I think he thinks he did not do anything bad to me. It is as if he had forgotten all the lies and betrayals. As if he had forgotten that he ignored all my questions, even though I begged explanation. We were happy and he showed it all the time. It is as if he had become another person from day to night. Yes, I broke the trust and told everything to his wife, even though they lived not more as husband and wife. But she was great with me and supported me. He accuses me of breaking the trust, but who broke first? Who has not fulfilled all the promises? He lied to me many months …. he had other girl …. and even before telling everything to his wife, I said, and I begged him to tell me the reasons and what had happened and he refused and I had to tell all to her. He did not expect this. I think all the girls he manipulated never had the courage to challenge him. I know that I can never regained as well take medicines for depression. I feel like a trash. And I’m still being humiliated by his friends … And he? His life has not changed. He did not show any feeling. Probably only changed the target …
(sorry my english)
I have been there. Over a three or four yesr period
The low will pass.
Just think it may be good this was relatively short and now you know. Take time.
It can take time to come back from being crushed. Just remember. They are not all like this and you deserve better.
Please send me more websites for recovery please, I’m feeling like I need more info to help me to a safe recovery.
Karen I was a victim of bullying in conjunction with being the target of a female sociopaths games.
I recommend reading “bully insight” by tim field. He extensively covers sociopaths and other dysfunctional personalities and how they attract each other and work in concert to abuse.
Also the effects this can have on someone.
Hope this can help.
Wow, this really explains a lot! Thank you very much for sharing your experiences. Recently, I learned (through google) that my college boyfriend now is incarcerated. Although I knew he was damaged goods when I dumped him, when I found out he was in prison, I realized his mental state was even more unstable than I’d thought. I needed to do some soul-searching to figure out how I got involved with such a person.
The only reason I even left him was because he left school and moved about an hour away (then I did a study abroad for more distance). Once he wasn’t smothering me, I realized that I didn’t really need or want him. It was still extremely difficult to cut ties. He guilted and manipulated me whenever I said I wanted to leave. He had a way of just wearing me down until I’d acquiesce. Because he was so entitled, I felt obligated to him, although I couldn’t have articulated what exactly I owed him, except to break up with him the “right way”. I truly thought that I was ruining his life, and if he was miserable, then it was my fault.
Recently, I realized that he never loved me. He wanted to own me. He used to say that when we met, he experience love at first sight – which even then, I thought was ridiculous. Actually, I was a freshman (young=naive; he was 22) and much more physically attractive than most women he could lure. I was something beautiful that he wanted to possess.
I’m a trusting person, and only in the last few years have I figured out how to catch a liar, so I’m sure there were many old lies I’ll never uncover. However, there are definitely things that he’d hidden from me. In hindsight, he must’ve had astronomical student loans and credit card debts, and he never once indicated how much he owed. I’m certain he assumed that my father would pay it all off when we got married – which, more than likely, would have happened.
The worst part is that after being the object of that sort of obsession, I couldn’t recognize normal male attention for many years. I was dismissive (“oh, he doesn’t really like me that much”) because I’d come to believe that “real” love was so overwhelming, intense and overbearing. I hate to say it, but I broke a lot of nice guys’ hearts just because I didn’t think they were really serious about me.
Again, thanks for sharing and for providing a forum to get this off my chest.
Confusion. Hopelessness. Anxiety. Low self confidence. Bewilderment.
Those where mine.
Sociopaths come as male and female.
I’m still struggling to believe on him, but I saw the signs and symptoms. Everybody tell me. I’m not happy, but I’m still here.
He drinks everyday on three hours a liter of vodka or tequila or 18 beers…
He have a fight everyday he just change the other party, one day is his son, the other hid exwife, the other his ex girlfriend, the othe day with me.
Why I’m still trying?
I wish…
In my experience we called this guy a textbook spousal/partner abuser. So succinctly and perfectly describes one of my past relationships. In the end though, he even left with a few members of my family who seemed to relate to him far more than they did me. Thank God they left!
I’m so glad you survived and are able to share your experiences. You do it very well.
Thank you 🙂
I stumbled upon this post about a month ago, right after I broke up with my boyfriend for the final time. I had started to suspect something was off and when I read this post, I couldn’t believe how PERFECTLY it described our relationship. Being a nurse, I had a vague knowledge of sociopathy and thought that two of my exes had had many of these qualities. However, the last relationship did the most damage. So now I’m trying to understand EVERYTHING about sociopaths and attempt to heal. It’s just so comforting to come to this site and know that other people are going through the same thing! There definitely needs to be more awareness in our society about these types of people!
great blog… do you have any article about how to recover from dating a sociopath? relationship with one of them mentaly and emotionally drains you and it gets dificult to get life back again to normal.
Hi Nikita, yes lots. Look in the drop down menu for healing and recovery section (at the top) Also look in the categories section. I have written a lot about healing and recovery.
Hi Nikita, I am unsure if I have replied to this already? … but yes lots and lots of posts about this. Start at the healing and recovery drop down box at the top. Also look in the categories section drop down menu.
I am well aware I am living with a sociopath…..and I cannot let him go? I dated him years ago for a short time. Did not date him long enough to know he was a sociopath. Flash forward 2010. We ran into each other,I knew than,that he was a sociopath. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis,than 2 months later,lost my mother suddenly. Knowing he was a sociopath,I let him move directly in with me. It was a bandaid. Now….I cannot find the strength to get out. It seems almost impossible. He has moved out before,and I went looking for him. ME!
OMG, your website describes my ex to a tee!
Even though it’s been nearly a year I’m still struggling with this break up. I’m still learning things every day and and it still shocks me how they can treat the people they’re supposed to love this way.
Thank you for helping me to find closure in all this madness and for helping me to move on with my life…
Thank you and welcome to the site!! 🙂
Painful experience, I thought losing my father was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, I guess I was wrong. I was still very young when that happened and it marked me for the rest of my life, I couldn’t smile for a year and I couldn’t cry, I was just stunned, but then, I started to accept that at least he’s in a better place and things got better, I fell in love, I made new friends, I worked hard and progressed professionally, I was doing so well until… I met the sociopath.
I read the entire site looking for answers and I found him in all the posts, I know he is a sociopath, he told me that right from the beginning but I didn’t know what that is, I never met someone with a mental disorder before, I guess back in Europe people are more sane. It was love at first sight but nothing happened for a couple of years, we were working in the same environment, I am defensive, I don’t like to jump into things, I am doing too well by myself to be looking just someone to fill in my days and too many men like me to just pick the first one that comes my way… I took my time, I looked at him, analysed him, I started to feel sorry for him knowing that he has no girlfriend, he was good looking, a few years older than me and working in the same field, most of all, we ‘knew’ each other for almost two years, I thought it’s safe to give it a try. I did.
Here I am a few years after that, after I had my heart broken into pieces for a long time, my dreams poisoned, being manipulated and let down over and over again without any clue WHY? What did I do wrong? Have I done anything to him to deserve that pain? I cried for over year without being able to control myself, I felt I gave the best of me and he was just a guy who was smart and single and wanted a girl in his life, why couldn’t he give me the little thing in return I was looking for, a little bit of love, that slightest little bit, a little bit of care? I was trying to go shopping and out of the blue the tears would just come out, I was trying to work and the tears wouldn’t stop, I had no control over that, I was trying to eat and my appetite was gone, I was trying to sleep and I was just watching the ceiling, I was a shadow of what I was before, I lost weight, not that I was fat before but I was really skinny, 47 Kg, I did not know what, what on earth did I do to deserve to feel that way, I didn’t know what happens to me or why… I felt bad about myself, me, that always took men in science in school, me that was that was a good looking girl that even the boss could not refrain himself from hitting on, I was suddenly a nobody, I was nowhere, I was empty like a shell and felt lost…
Time went by, I broke up with him over and over again, I went back because I loved him, he came back because he needed a source of supply, I kept doing that until I found your site… Until I remembered one sentence he said to me: “I am a sociopath.”
“I am a sociopath, I lack empathy”. It’s exactly what he said to me, with a short pause in between since the word “sociopath” had no effect on me, I didn’t know what that is, I never knew someone with a mental disorder before, I mean, I knew someone who was diagnosed with schizophrenia but that’s really extreme, this guy was totally functional, he had everything, charm, smart, hard worker, single, it seemed to perfect guy for someone like me, someone you could talk to and share and give and have the best times ever…
I am somewhere in between stage 4 and 6 of recovery I believe, I still think about him, and talking to him is still itching, but I know I am not going back, even if I am to party one night too hard and send him an email, I know I won’t reply the next day or, I only say bad things to him, all referring to him being a psycho, I don’t really think he enjoys the hear that a lot from me…
I am doing much better overall and thank to your site, I had many of so many of my questions answered, I thought I am going insane… Thank you so much! I think there should more awareness around world about these kind of mental disorders, it was really the most painful thing I ever had to experience, beside the loss of my father. But I didn’t feel that lost then, somehow, I knew he’s watching me and he still cares about me, I knew he’s in a better place and I was at peace, I had no clue about the sociopath.
I once dated a sociopathic girl. A lot of the info on this page does make good sense explaining her behaviour.
hey positvagirl! i’m a big fan of yours
I have an interesting question for you. can sociopaths get their ex wives or friends to lie for them to their lovers? and by lies I mean really sick lies, like claiming to be in the hospital after car crash! lol
thanks!
Angel
Hi angela,
Well as you know they are compulsive pathological liars. But are also very convincing. Whilst it might appear that his ex or his friends are lying for him….. he could have lied to them or persuaded them that this was the truth. If you remember they do this very well.
Or…. if they say ‘ask….’ and hand you a phone…. they do this as a ruse – a cover knowing that you wouldn’t really call.
If his friends/ex lied for him…. and you know it is a lie. You do not know why they are lying for him. Likely is that he made up a story so that they would support him to do so.
Nothing is ever as it seems with a sociopath.
haha yes, nothing is ever as it seems with them….thanks a lot for the reply, means a lot!!
My mom and brother sense that he wasn’t a good guy I wish I would have listened I first met him he came off strong kept trying to always see me and wanted a relationship real quick I felt like I finally met a great guy he was so sweet and Laid back only for that to change one night he became very evil was insulting everything I did the way I talked the conversations I’d talk about he was very angry every since than he’d pick out all my flaws make subtle comments demeaning me . He even said I should just be able to look at him and understand how he feels . I began to feel like who in the world is this guy ? He changed so fast soon as he pulled me in he than started to look for other girls I would complain about it and he could care less he even went online to prove a point that he won’t stop what he doing for Me it hurted so bad . If I said something wrong he’ll give me the silent treatment first time it lasted for 3 weeks and reappear like nothing happened. I began to feel like I lost myself I kept pleasing him all the time up until when he decided to discard me after he finished using me and now on to his next target . People like him are sick and it’s only a game I wish I would have listened I always was thinking his actions don’t match his words and it didn’t cause it was all a lie.