This blog comes from a life that has been a real journey of learning and discovery. I live in the UK, I spent my life, in the real world, working with statutory homeless people. I worked daily with drugs, alcohol, mental health, domestic violence, prolific offenders, prostitutes, young people leaving care, asylum seekers from war torn countries, to name but a few. Of course, working with the issues that come from this too. I have worked in this field for over 25 years.
I have a BA Hons. In Housing and Development, so I am not a writer. despite this time at uni, i still returned to working with homeless people, and networking with other agencies. Following on from this I completed studies at University in Counselling. I also have a qualification in psychology.
Coming from a background working with people with complex needs, I try to write in a way that is down to earth and easy to understand. It complicated enough having been with a sociopath, as they are prolific liars and masters of deception, so I try to write in a way that is easy to understand.
Work that is on this blog, is copyright to the author. All works are copyrighted and all rights reserved.
I am not a writer. Everything that is written here, has been as a result of the life that i have led, either relationships, spiritual understanding, professional experience, academic understanding, and just common sense! – Probably most importantly, when it comes to healing and recovery, KNOWING what works to help, heal and recover people, tried, tested and practiced for most of my life working with people 1-1 in the real world.
I truly believe that the truth will set you free. Once you know the truth, you can’t really fully return. I did try though!! And this too was an experience. The sociopath even if they care about you, the most that they can possibly do, they cannot change. The outcome will sadly always be the same.
If you have been affected by a sociopath, don’t give up hope. There are millions of
victims survivors throughout the world. Spreading the truth, survivors can support and help to heal each other.
201 thoughts on “About me”
Thank you so much – your blog helps make sense of the impossible. I’m still reeling and trying to re-build my life, luckily I have a wonderful support network of kindness which has been highlighted even more through this ordeal.
The web of lies are still surfacing, he just couldn’t tell the truth about anything. The phone calls he had that must have been with himself?! Setting third parties up to unknowingly collaborate the lies… then he wanted to spend more time with me so faked freelance contracts and paperwork so I would leave my job. He really had no sense of shame or consequence, even when he exited (very early in the morning) he still lied about having not left.
I broke all contact – the last communication that got through was a text – he said ‘I will always love you’. But he can’t and there lies the tragedy, as I will always be able to love and always be able to show others kindness.
I’ve cried every day for months – a little less each time. The pain of betrayal is so deep… I hope everyone who had been affected will find answers in these pages. So thank you again for your time and dedication x
Yes I went through the phone calls in front of me to make his lies believable that was a favourite of his. Oh yes the I will always love you….. Yeah they don’t know the meaning of love. Thank you for your comment.
…..and they have no remorse it seems, about turning “always” and “forever” just into meaningless words that mock the feelings that are usually associated with them (love). So sad.
Hello, your story sounds so familiar. Is there any way you would be willing to contact me ? It’s so familiar I feel like we know the same person. Would you be willing to comment with his initials?
Are you talking to me or spartangirl?
Thanks for your blog and helping to bring together a sadly large group of people. It’s hard for people who have never dealt with a high functioning sociopath to truly understand the nightmare they can leave behind.
Hi Jayrbee, welcome to the site!! 🙂
Hi, makes me fill up when I hear all these comments hurts so much how these people just want to destroy everything good, its so sad.
Do you think sociopaths really want to change and have a normal life ? Cos mine use to say this a lot I wish I was normal ,why am I like this I just want us to have a normal life . I thought he was normal except for his depression as this interfered with his life but now am not even sure he really had depression
Hi, Faith. It’s so hard to say what their intentions are and what the truth is. My ex also has dissociative identity disorder, which compounds the whole sociopath thing. In fact, some of her personalities had quite a lot of empathy, whilst others would drown their own child if it meant some vodka, money and a good lay. It’s mind-boggling to say the least.
Thanks for your reply Moya, it is mind boggling your right its so hard take in . I just hope all of us on here find peace and happiness in our lives again ….we deserve it so much !
You do Faith and you will find it I promise
Thank you positivagirl,
I look forward so much to that day when I get it back start living again. It hurts so much these sociopaths are getting on with there happy lives without a care for us, they always seem to get away with everything they just move on its so unfair, they don’t deserve happiness ever !
Faith but the truth is they are NOT happy, they are never happy. Were you happy when you were with him? I wasn’t happy I was brainwashed and controlled. They do not have the ability to experience joy like we do. They do not have the ability to love like we do. They are impoverished souls. All that he has done has moved business elsewhere. it is an illusion that he is happy If they were happy then they wouldn’t come back and contact old sources of supply when they run out. They are like headless chickens constantly moving onto something new, as they destroy what was old in their life. They do this because they are destroyed from the inside. Believe me he isn’t happy, but YOU do have the ability to be happy. Happiness comes from within…. it really does. When you find this, nobody else can take it away from you x
Well said, Positivagirl! It’s like they’re playing the “role” of happy, but it’s just a character; an illusion. However, I also know that the illusion hurts and when those you love buy into it, it can be very painful and frustrating.
Absolutely its all an illusion. They were playing the con man and the illusion when they were with you, and they are doing the same now. there is no happy for they cannot be happy. they are too angry inside! 🙂
my sociopath told me many times that he’s just counting his days here in this dimension…waiting to go back home; I felt his pain, since he knew that he’s destroyed inside – he said that he can turn off/on his emotions whenever he wants (which seems now that those actually are not real emotions as we experience it)
when he would ‘admit’ that would drag me back into that ring of fire…till I said stop; we can do that – we can control ourselves, the difference is that each one of us has a different threshold and how much we can and we’re willing to take before we can’t go on any longer
Your words here trigger a nagging question….do most sociopaths seem to have ZERO feelings of nostalgia? No pictures… no understanding of why a photo of a long lost loved one can be so important?
In the beginning i really believed that he buried feeling of pain or loss.
Now i wonder if its something darker.
Well they have little emotional attachment, being with limited emotions. So nostalgia would be difficult.
Thank You! These are the magic words that I needed to hear and didn’t even know!! This is my flag “Revenge” is about the Reality about ” THEM” !!
They will NEVER experience Happiness, they will never settle down and really live a life that can be honestly loving and fulfilled and HAPPY..I Will hang on to these thoughts as they are the only thing that makes sense and feel better about the whole charade!!
Thanks again for your Work and Insight about this hidden epidemic!!
Yes you are right positivagirl thank you .
Yes , I was only happy at the beginning then it became a struggle your right (walking on eggshells) you just think because they have moved on there happy now but as you say , all the time he has been with this other woman he was still hanging onto me and someone else .
Your so right that’s not happiness! Mine did say once after we split am lost in the world, I destroy everything good you don’t deserve to live lie your better off without me and my changing mind . And I am, we are all better off without them . Just wish we never had to encounter them in the first place .
But hopefully we will all come out of this stronger , happier and wiser .
Thank you positivagirl and moya am going to start to love me again !
Ah you should do, as really it is just the way that he is, it is no reflection on you. I know that I returned so I had already done some grieving in the first place – so I was partially healed. But this time, the healing was a lot quicker. We had taken the relationship as far as it could go. it was really OVER. So that helped. It still took some time to undo the brainwashing. That is going though bit by bit. today I feel happy healthy and well. Life is returning to normal. He will never be happy believe me, neither he or his new woman has anything you don’t have. She especially doesn’t she has all his drama and crap stress – and it wont get better…… you have your freedom and can meet whomever you want to meet
Am happy that you are in a more positive place now and doing good and I hope each day brings you more positivity and happiness , you deserve it .
The pain is still raw for me at the min as its only been a few weeks but I know now am better off without him . He has moved to live another country now he asked me to go with , oh and the OW. I wonder what he’s up to ……probably looking for more victims he’s never been there before so he will have a lot to chose from . Makes me sad when I think all this of him as he was once the love of my life .
Its so hard not to contact though I just feel really anxious all the time !
Thank you so much for your blogs really helping me so much , your doing an amazing job x
How are you doing today faith? Are you still around at all? I have had a writers block, but I think that this is the universe way of making me get the work into a book, then I can continue. Are you feeling better today?
Is this what he said , how sad going through your life this way mine did say he was not a nice person, destructive and said he’s so lost in the world and would see this if I could just spend a day in his head . It really is so sad but at the same time their so cruel and nasty his can they hurt us so bad when all we did was love them and be there for them always. I still cannot wrap my head around it all , I’ve ben having a bad time again these last few weeks . He’s shipped the NS over to were he lives now since she found out everything about him and what he’s been upto from me and others from work she’s packed in her perm job with promotion and gave her life up to be with him . I hope your life is feeling more positive and brighter now as each day passes .
Thank you for you post !
I’m glad to have discovered your blog. I’ve only read a few of your posts, but they are so on-point. “I truly believe that the truth will set you free. Once you know the truth, you can’t really fully return.” In my journey to healing/recovery from a sociopath, this is my anchor. Thank you so much. Looking forward to reading more posts on this blog.
Thank you Lynette 🙂
Hi. Just wanted to share my story with all of you out there. I feel your pain.
I was in a relationship with one socoipath for two years. He has done some major demage to my selfesteem. He brainwashed me everyday while I was with him. He used to say if I leave him,I will be old and ugly and no one would want me.
He’d say I will never find anyone like him.
I loved and cared for him with all my heart. All he did was lie, cheat,manipulate and abuse me. I’m trying to feel better but it’s so hard to look at yourself. He made me feel horrible about myself. I don’t even know who Am I anymore. Everything is so confusing to me. I can’t tell any difference between good or bad anymore.
He religiously reads rational male blog online and uses this blogger’s advice to play women.
I don’t know what to do. I hope we all find our peace again.
Hi, you know that you are not the person who he says you are? Since when did he become critique of you? Of your personality? Why are you believing a compulsive pathological liar? You know that he is a liar, a manipulator and a game player, do you not think that he told you the same at the end. He just said those things to make you feel worthless, so that you couldn’t move on. I know that it is hard, go to search and look for the person ‘finding the person in the mirror’ post. It was written specifically about this topic.
Dear Spread Happy, I think the best strategy when feeling confused from all of the mixed feelings, especially when you know the cause, is to remove yourself from that situation and recenter yourself, regroup. This is easier said than done, of course. Educate yourself on the tactics of sociopaths (they’re all the same), and next time that guy tries to put you down to keep you down, you’ll know whatever he says doesn’t apply to you and that it’s really just his evil way of attempting to break your spirit to better control you and keep you wrapped around his finger at all times. Open your eyes and ask yourself “How long will I be able to put up with this nonsense and downright abuse?” Remember you have the Devine right to love and be loved… don’t settle for less. Psychos are like junk food, so good but so bad for you, and it sounds like you need to detox immediately.
Good advice 🙂
Thank you for being there positive girl. Following you and other resources made me feel like I was not going cuckoo!
The guy I dated was so much like everything said in these articles — however he never smeared me, or tried to destroy me. He did lie, cheat, gaslight, manipulate and take advantage of me and kinda toss me aside. I have NO contact with him, or anyone that knows him. And I do miss him because we did have a lot of fun together, but his mind is so completely warped from a violent childhood trauma (saw his best friend murdered), 35 years of on &off cocaine addiction, more friend’s deaths, legal troubles, etc. he’s 48 and lives in his parents basement, all like one big happy family. Completely irresponsible — he’s really functioning on the emotional level of a 15 year old – the age he was when his friend was shot & killed next to him. He has no empathy, no compassion, and often said things that were just downright cruel. But then he’d be the sweetheart charmer. He actually told me once he had a real problem feeling empathy for people. I was lying on the bed, crying in pain from my multiple sclerosis, and he sat there eating a sandwich, watching tv, telling me I had to go because he had to go to work. That’s one example of so many. It was impossible to wrap my head around how his head worked. Something was wrong in his head. I often got the feeling that he wanted to be normal, he just couldn’t. He would have had to face memories that he simply can’t handle. He was honest when we met – he told me “I’m no angel”. I should have thought harder about those 3 words. He really screwed my head up. I’m not used to people being mean to me, and so… sneaky about it. We didn’t get into screaming fights – he never once raised his voice at me or threatened me in any way, not once. That’s almost what makes it so mind boggling. This kind of abuse is worst than physical. With physical, you know you’ve been struck. With this emotional crap — you’re just confused.
A total of 3 years, met on a dating site (wonderful guy, I thought). New in town, I was starting a brand new life. The first month, a sad story (needing a loan for his rent) — I fell for it, loaned the money. Here comes the arguments, (or the creation of arguments), what had I done wrong? Nothing, he needed an excuse to leave.
Three months later, re-met, on the same site (got back together again, loaned more $$$$). I was head over heels in love with the fool. I had a key to his apartment, of course he loved me. Had some good times, but he told me he was a social drinker, didn’t smoke cigarettes. He drink like a fish, smoked cigarettes and a pot-head.
Everything was my fault, never done any wrong. Verbally abusive, practically homeless, living in his car (I got him food, helped him get into motel rooms (more $$$), gave him gas when he needed it to get to work. I Supported him through his down time.
As soon as he started making ok $$$$, here comes the fights (for my money), name-calling, more verbal abuse. Fight and make up (this went on for a couple of years.) Telling me, I was selfish. Then he got another car, the real abuse and arguments came. He was on top of the world ($$$, car, and a rooming house to live). Always said, when I get on my feet, I will pay you back and always be there for you (like you have for me).
He was terrible, arrogant, liar, and then he got on FB, and turned into the worse person. Always told me, I hate FB, only for kids. Well his addictive personality loves FB, every time he got mad (a new woman would appear on his friends list). I gave him a choice FB or me, he would deactivate and keep sneaking on to chat.
I was at my wit’s end with this crap, more fighting, started distancing myself (so tired of this crap — now comes the Mind Games, calling, cussing me out.) Friendly 1 day, nasty the next. It is too much, he paid strangers more attention than me.
I am done (he has hinted to having someone — but still calls every other week, just to see if I will pick up). These 3 years were nothing more than a game to him, and Using me to get on his feet. I am Mentally and Physically drained from this immature, adolescent behavior.
DOING THE “NO CONTACT” NOW, EVENTUALLY HE WILL QUIT CALLING — SURE HE HAS A NEW VICTIM. (HE ONLY CALLS ABOUT EVERY OTHER WEEK.) — BUT I MUST SAVE MYSELF AND MY SANITY, BY LEAVING HIM TOTALLY ALONE!!
Thanks for Listening (Survivor of a Sociopath)
Thank you for writing this. These words could’ve come right out of me. We have very similar situations. The friendly one day, nasty the next was what really made me crazy and eventually enabled me to leave as the pain was so bad. It still is very bad, but in a different way. No contact since June.
I’ve been dating a man for 5 months. When we are together we are a perfect couple. While apart it gets shady. We were having a heart to heart last night trying to get everything in the open. He admitted that he was diagnosed a sociopath as a child. I love this man & yet have stepped back a few times only to get pulled back in I feel as though he is my kryptonite. I am a very strong willed person & I would have walked away a long time ago if it were anyone else. I have his crazy ex calling & texting me now she tells me off one minute & the next asking if I will move in w/ him. I am not one for drama & I have 3 kids he has 1. We haven’t involved kids in our relationship yet since I explained I do not want different men in their lives I need to know we are good first. I have met many of his family & we get along great. He has asked me to move in, marry him & have his child. I will not at this point. However I after learning this information I am very confused. Any advice?
If someone tells you they were diagnosed as a sociopath, at any point in their, whether real or imagined, you change your phone number, move far far away and never ever contact them again. Yes. It’s that simple. How can you say you are in love with pure evil? What’s this say about you?
Run. Run away now.
I dont think it is that simple lauren. Normal people dont just switch off their emotions. When they are done with you, they will likely move far away anyway.
If you like, I would be happy to have the opportunity to communicate with you directly.Can you retrieve my email address from this site? If not, can I post it here, and you can delete it without approving the post?
I think the man I have been with for 5 years is a sociopath. I have accepted things about him because he is so charming but the lies and lies. And lies..and somehow I keep taking him back? He has no remorse for his lies, blames me w
I can’t seem to email you.i am at J underscore coo underscore at hot…
Hi pos girl, I have a couple question. I know my soc is diff as he suffers from many illnesses. Depression, ocd, alcoholism, adhd. Im wondering two things tho, why does he go to the dr. Get meds and a cpap machine and then never use the machine and is constantly on and off his meds. He takes half, then off them,then takes all again. His dr told him he doesnt breath at night and if he doesnt use the machine he will die early. He says its uncomfortable. Also my soc never kept me from friends or family, he incouraged them because thats the only ones he had. He would talk poorly of people that didnt want to be around him (they are crazy or sick) I know some sociopaths have diff flaws but it seems as tho he wants to die and is punishing himself. Hes VERY self destructive and if he finds something that works or makes him feel better he stops doing it?
This probably isn’t as it seems. You might think that he is being destructive however Meds come with not only making you feel better they also come with side effects too. Which are not always very pleasant. Sometimes and more frequently than you might think once someone starts to feel better they stop taking the Meds. .. simply because they are feeling better. Have you ever had anti biotic told to take full course but stopped once you felt better? It is like that.
Well said, Positive! The ex had a fairly predictable pattern of hospitalization and stabilization, via meds, only to decompensate due to secretly quitting her meds, which would cause manic delusions, psychosis, etc., and wind her up back in a hospital. For years I had to personally give her the meds to ensure they were taken.
But, you nailed it with the, “I feel better…I don’t need meds anymore” line….happens WAY too often, I think! Well said.
I just broke 😦 6 weeks nc. Don’t know why but I called him. On work phone so he answered because it comes up ‘private’ (he’s blocked my mobile ph). So I said hi it’s me,… He hung up!!!
4.5 years, daily coffee or catch up, 40 texts a day, lots of I love you every day….and now this.
2 years of cheating on me and then ended it, now won’t even talk to me.
Gawd why did I do thst to myself….I was doing so well and now full of questions again.
Nooo😥 ugh joelene why did you do this?
Yeah i know:( I’ve been doing so well!! 6-7 weeks of nc. Admittedly because he blocked me, but I was getting to acceptance I thiught.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot – why break nc. I think because I Waa away overseas for work for 2 weeks, so leading up to that and then while I was away, it was easy to not think too much.
Now I’m home, and I’m thinking…
I suspect my brain gets bored and caught in ruts, and I need excitement or something different. So I focus on him, why he left, could I have handled it better. I really wanted it to end without Ne beating myself up over anything. I couldn’t! I had to keep contacting him, looking pathetic, now he blocked me and hangs up on me!!! Argh!!! Now I’m full of regret- the exact situation I wanted to avoid!!!
But I’m taking this as a lesson. It’s all I can do
You need to get out in the sunshine. Start reconnecting to people again joelene. Catch up with old friends. Things you liked to do before him. Go out on a bike. Paint. Go for a walk. Relish and enjoy this very special time when you are single.. one day you will look back and wish you did.
Thankyou my friend
true sign of a psychopath.. once u determined no contact it’s not a joke. when i went it was all the way. the push/pull, the up/down was over for real. it gets to the point when u do say f..this..s__t! after week 2, my mind wandered and I thought.. would he ever call? remember the beginning? I rebuked myself cause all u gotta think is remember the time___ when he messed up? sho nuff. by week 3 calling. NC in effect and still continues. Not as a punishment but to remind myself not only do I deserve better and love myself, but he became predictable with his abuse..like a broken record or better one that skips to the tune Always and Forever. I married that bum and can’t wait for the divorce to be final. the devil u know is not better than the one u don’t. ur relatively safe fom strangers as long as u know when to disengage from abuse of any sort. my sure fire way was the intense anger he displayed, the lack of emotion, the callousness of how bad he felt for himself and towards others…and the misery cloud that followed him wherever he went. nothing.. no one can fix, sex, talk, love or medicate him to happiness. any u feel towards a psycho/socio..oh hell no.. will not only not be returned..but u..the non-psycho will be despised for even remotely showin a shred of decency to these shallow, evil embodiment of a human being. U play with fie (psycho). u will be burned. Im tryna to survive\, live.. love.. and laugh without the rain cloud and the thunderstorm hidden beneath a rainbow that the call the love. The rainbow is God’s promise not theirs.. and it fades shortly. when u see all of these things combined..hold true to what u hold dear.. and love.. ur first love..urself.. How do you expect to share ur best with someone worthy of ur love when ur wasting ur best on someone who expects less every time? only out for what they can get? soon.. there won’t be nothing left of u to give to anyone else cause u gave it all away to the wolf in a Gucci sheep suit.i had every indication that my ex psycho was disturbed but wasn’t sure..i was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but the signs were there.. now all i see in my future is escape from such a tortured human carcass. they will pick ur bones clean and use the shards as toothpicks..drooling over who’s next? these sicos are shameless and repeat offenders. they don’t just straighten up and fly right. there unredeemable(God’s jod). Know ur place in the spiritual realm. There in a constant state of disrepair and ill will, and especially malcontent.
Im waiting for the finality of my divorce. For positivo girl. wrote you. disappearing from my ex. Seen enough of his VITRIOL to grow white hair on my head. what do you thin of restraining orders? I am applying for one even though it may make the situation worse, i was married to a vengeful, spiteful crack addict who hides behinds these labels to cover his malevolent tendencies. I was a victim of his tirades and once my management is on notice I can secure transfer to another apt at an undisclosed location. ALL PSYCHOS/socios/bpd/narcs/cluster b’s have the ability to kill. read previous posts. whether they choose not to is I’m sure is an individual matter and highly irrelevant. It’s just apples and oranges to them!!!! i know. one put his hands around my throat and convinced himself not to do it… Sane? hardly. The individuals posted who remotely thin u have come in contact with these individuals run.. do not wqalk to ur nearest exit.. and catch the nearest train. plane , or automobile out of the toxic danger zone.. u don’t believe me? keep messing with one..they will let u know how that hate the human u are and the devil they know themselves to be. just cuz they fool, tick or deceive u to get what they want doesn’t negate the fact that these are human beings of the species we now. they are not human by any means of what we are aware.. and they are not equipped with the tools to change. please stay safe. I know I must. i have a lot to live for and knowing one on many instances tried to exert his inhumane demeanor at the first opportunity when it would be to harm me. that was of one instance i’ve told u. when confronted..it did sound ludicrous. why? because.. in this world we live..we don’t show hate to the one’s we say we love and feign good will.. that’s crazy.. but if u know a psycho..that’s what he WILL DO. if he haven’t give him some time..he just haven’t gotten around to it yet. Oh, but he will. It’s in their nature,,their mindset..their lying tongues.. the very weapons they use to perpetuate their hidden agenda..I just about had it with people born without consciences. I’ve never been for the death penalty..but if a psycho/socio/cluster B lives..their design is for destruction of any thing good, holy, sacred, valued(urself)..doesn’t this sound familiar/ they think they are superior/ not in God’s eyes.. could never be..the sorry excuses in human form imitating people without feelings.. No wonder they ae miserable. They were born that way!! u can play with them they don’t play nice. ask urself.. if they showed u their sick, disordered twisted thinking before u lost anything.. would u have went into the woods with them little red robin hood? I know I wouldn’t. Never..I mean never. At least we can learn from our experiences.. these sick twisted cretins will never be able to.. doomed to crawl on their stomachs for all of eternity.. just like the snakes they truly are. positivo girl.. let me know about restraining orders and the vengeful spiteful tactics these minions will use to re- capture the one that got away. I than my God daily that I am alive everyday and that he has allowed me to exist.. even amongst these foul individuals. the worst. I applaud u for given people a voice on ur blog.. to those psychos..who would wish to silence it. forget u and whatever ur supply is.. hope ur well runs dry. I’ve learned. stay away from a married psycho for whoever psted this. U won’t be acting lie u so in love if the Dr. give u a devastating diagnosis from the cheating snake. it will be hard to recover from ill health. It’s not to late to wake up and smell the roses and see the sunsets.. and gaze across the vast oceans of blue.. To a psycho.. those words mean nothing. there just words.. but to the rest of us humans..they are life itself. LIVE WELL.
You all are talking about breaking up, divorcing, healing…I get it, you have to take care of yourself and love your self first. My moral dilemma here is how you can abandon a person with a personality disorder, he/she didn’t ask to be born this way. Do you turn your back to someone diagnosed with bipolar or aids?
Does anyone work with these people? They deserve happiness too
Zoe, I understand where you are coming from. Many of us are loving, caring people, who are dissatisfied with the solution of throwing the person under the bus. However, the fact is that sociopaths have an almost zero rate of recovery or improvement, because (a) they think they are just fine, (b) they resist any effort to have them evaluate themselves, and (c) they are experts at “playing the system.” When forced to go to treatment or counseling, they antagonize and shift focus and make everything someone else’s problem. People who care about them or try to help them are inevitably hurt. It is a losing game, with no hope for a positive resolution. In the end, no matter how hard we try to help them, we end up with nothing but pain to show for our efforts. Talk about your rat running the same maze and hoping for different results!
Positiva – please email me urgent
Zoey it’s not about abandoning but about protecting yourself the sociopath will live by destroying you. And when u no longer are useful to them they will discard you once they have new supply.
What I’ve read on your site sounds a lot like my boyfriend. I don’t _think_ he’s a sociopath (I wouldn’t describe him that way, anyway); but I see a similarity in the pattern you describe. Dated a couple of years and he was generous with some lavish gifts that he couldn’t really afford (told me later that he’d forgone groceries to afford them, which I now see as using guilt to manipulate me). We planned a future together. Because I own a house and have the higher-paying job, he quit his job to move in with me (it was a long-distance relationship). Now I’m paying all of our bills (mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc.) plus his personal expenses (car insurance, cell phone, student loans) until he finds a “real job” (he works part time, which he reminds me I ‘forced’ him to do). In a few months of living together, I’ve paid $8000 toward his personal bills (not counting things like utilities & food). I have (thankfully) backed out of our engagement (I really do not want my personal finances to be legally enmeshed with him) but now I have to figure out how to get him out of my house, and out of my life. It would be a lot easier if he had a “real job” and could support himself, and if he hadn’t given up a job to move in with me and start our life together. Now I’m paying all the bills and doing all the housework, and anything I do or say that he doesn’t like is labelled “emotional abuse.” I am seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to disentangle myself.
Oh Denise, you MUST get out of this!! Him being ‘lavish’ was a downpayment. He had already ‘assessed’ that you owned your home and had a higher paying job. he saw YOU as an opportunity. The generosity in the beginning, was to make you feel that you should also give to him, to build trust. You will feel like you have a financial tap switched on that you cannot switch off. He will want more and more, until there is nothing left. Try to leave and he will threaten you to lose your job, and try to get you to lose everything. I am pleased you are seeing a therapist, I can assure you that all of this is a planned agenda on his part. He is emotionally abusing you, and he knows it too.
I have been dating a sociopath for the past for years and in that time he spun a life time of lies, from renting an apartment in London owned by a well known celebrity, a model ex ( who in fact was him) the ex girlfriends sister who was also a beautiful woman ( who I found out was him too).
He manipulated me from the start wanting to get married asap.
He put himself in a pedestal some sort of God, he didn’t even go to work, but didn’t mind me going.
His ex or ex’s sister used to chat to me all day at work, some of it intimidating some of it nice.
When I found out about this, all the other lies fell into place. I left him and he waited outside my house and turning up at my place of work.
He threatened to get me the sack and I eventually went to the police who arrested him for harrassment, but he constantly stalked me and I’m sad to say I gave in.
I have left him now, but I’m scared as he has hacked my emails and facebook and he has changed the passwords, i have even been informed by the police he got into my bank account.
He used to say to me that I was ill, maybe a little crazy, and I doubted myself.
He puts on such a sob story, how i have been bad to him.
It’s took me a long time to get to where I am now, but I feel I have still a long way to go. My ex has left me financially ruined and I have no confidence as he used to grind me down to lose weight.
Hi, I am glad that you have written. Yes this is identical patterning of behaviour, and it can indeed be frightening. Even when you have escaped, you have this fear lurking over your head, as they are known to lurk, harass, stalk, threaten, hack. You never know what will come next. I too experienced this, hacking of emails, social media – he seemed to just ‘know’ would show up outside of my house, shouting, threatening and yelling.
I would strongly suggest that you look into getting some form of injunction order against him to protect yourself. If you could move that would be great too.
I think, that only time can help. What support network do you have around you? Stick with a small group of people that you trust, people that knew you before you met him.
if police know that he has got into your bank account, can you press charges? I know that this might not feel like an option that you want, I found that not taking action was what he wanted. It kept him in control of me.
With this type, instead of just changing your phone number, put an app on your phone to block his calls/texts, ensure that you change ALL of your passwords to your social media and email. Make sure that it is something that he couldn’t figure out. They seem to have a brain that works fast (I have read that they think with both sides of their brain). I grew tired of constantly changing my password, i would forget what the password was.
It is intimidation, violation of you, and your rights. Feeling that you have been violated, and betrayed. I want you to know that it isn’t just you, I went through this too. You CAN heal and recover, no matter how bad it is. I have experienced all of this, and 2 years down the line, I am in an ok space, life is quiet and calm.
It is normal, after they have gone to be left in shock, in fear, and on edge waiting for the next thing. I remember being scared to move on, convinced that he would turn back up. In the end I prayed that he would leave my city – he did …. only then did I get confidence to move forward, knowing he wouldn’t show back up.
Take it one day at a time. I have healed and recovered from this crazy, insane life of dating a sociopath, and you can too.
The having an app rather than just changing your number, is important, so that you can use what they send as evidence (and likely he will) but it goes to a place where you don’t have to be bothered with it. But you can check – if you are feeling unsafe.
Well done for getting out – keep going.
Thank you for your reply.
I keep thinking I am stronger and many times gave in to him.
But I’m determined this time I’m going to start my life now.
Each day away from him, you HEAL. Each day with him in your life, you suffer further losses, which takes longer to heal from. Day one, is the most beautiful day, life smashed apart, you have freedom to rebuild, in your way – with nobody dismantling, you, or your life.
He keeps turning up at my parents house. He pushed a not through their door today. Should I get an injunction. I did report him to the police before and they let him out on bail but he still ignored it. I’m just scared he will never leave me alone
Yes get an injunction Sharon. Don’t interact with him. Make a report to the police for stalking and harassment. I am sorry that you are going through this. Give nothing to him emotionally he will quickly move onto someone new.
It all started in 2015 when a girl that I’ve met briefly the year before contacted me over Whatsapp. She asked to meet up, and I obviously said yes.
We met up in one of my favorite cocktail bars, and the first thing I noticed which was a bit weird was that she kept looking into my eyes me non-stop. When there was a silence, she kept on looking into my eyes. When I talk to someone I usually look into peoples eyes, which is normal. Back then I didn’t pay too much attention to it.
I met her a few times more before I asked her to be my girlfriend. I usually don’t ask that seeing it happens naturally, but I had no idea what her intentions were. I was not really to commit either seeing my life was perfect, travel a lot for work to exotic locations, great friends, single etc. I felt also that there was something dodgy going on. I asked her if she had a boyfriend, because I have a strong feeling she had one. She said no. One year later I found out that she was still dating another guy while she was with me. The other guy was living in a different country (relocated), but still. I had this feeling from the beginning, I’m in Sales so I can read people relatively easy. She couldn’t break up with the guy, seeing he was crying. She admitted this.
She became my girlfriend, and from that moment everything went downhill. I will sum up some of the situations where she has put me in:
• She invited me to the opening of bar from a guy where she had a crush on. She only invited me to make that guy jealous;
• He former best friend told she slept with another guy. I’m still not sure if it is true, but I assume it is seeing her friend gave me a lot of detailed information. My ex always denied it;
• She is a professional, but she had to take an exam for work. She failed, and blamed it on me and broke up with me;
• She does volunteering during the weekend. Something really bad happened (the organization where she worked for had to cover it up). She had hired a lawyer to defend her case. She never showed any remorse, and again she blamed it on me. I had nothing to do with, I don’t do any charity work;
• She encouraged some of her friends to ignore their boyfriends;
• She applied for a new job, and asked me if I could introduce her to one of the Directors (of course she was super friendly). I couldn’t do that, seeing my friend knows how she is to me and they would never hire a person like that. She was so angry when I told her that I couldn’t help her, she ran out of the taxi to the police and saying I was stalking her. The day after she came back with an “apology”;
• She applied for another at a company where I know people, and they said to me that they will not hire her seeing she doesn’t fit in the team. She had 5 interviews and none of the people liked her, she was too arrogant;
• We had plans to spend Christmas Eve together, she picked up a fight which resulted that I spend my Christmas Eve alone. During the fight I said to her ‘I’m done with you, good luck with your life’. After one hour she was calling and texting me, I ignored her for a week. In the end I gave in, and gave it another chance. I know, stupid of me;
• None of my friends or family liked her;
• She disappeared for hours, with the excuse that she was studying, sleeping, or her phone was not working (I know that her phone has problems, so don’t think that was a lie).
• She was always saying that she was the best in everything; she has a better job, etc. Example, she told me she could ski, so we planned a skiing trip. She sucked in skiing, I don’t think she ever had done it before. Same with her job, she is very mediocre in what she is doing. She is intelligent, but in a different way;
• Telling me I have to ‘excel’ myself with work;
• Telling me her future husband has to be a politician with a lot of power;
• Last week she broke up, because I triggered her. She blocked my number for two week, and she video called me yesterday for my bday. I picked up, yep once more I acted like a weak guy. I told that I’m at the office and I cant call. I called het back after my bday drinking bash party, she didn’t pick up.
I always thought she was a good person, just young and wild. Yesterday a recruiter told me that they couldn’t place her seeing she has ‘sociopathic’ behavior. After I got back home, I was reading some article about sociopathic behavior, and she does seem to have some characteristics of a sociopath.
My friends were telling for more than a year to leave her, I always told them that I know her better, and she has a good hearth. I’ve been always a very (over) confident person, I know I’m good looking, good job, etc. but she made me feel bad about myself. Friends were telling me since last year, that I don’t look happy, less energetic, etc. If I was still confident, I wouldn’t haven come to this website.
I deleted her number, all conversations, etc. I can’t go back to her under any circumstances. Even now I still considering to go back to her. This is the first time that I feel bad after a breakup.
Thankful to find the support here. We met online and his emails were lengthy and self- disclosing…full of emotionalism. We dated and I was guarded. Dates were full of his questions and information gathering and him studying me. Yes, the stare. It made me very uncomfortable but he assured me he was just memorizing my face, etc. He knew I wanted love at last, we did have lots in common, and it felt soulful.
Red flags were there, I filed them away. He dined and always paid for us, took me places, treated me well enough. For some reason I had feelings that he was dating someone else while we were dating exclusively (his idea). Small things I began to notice, the relationship became less intoxicating, I began setting boundaries and after 8 months of dating, he broke up because he said I was too open about talking about problems, too vocal, and he just wanted to be happy. I said ok, and blocked him on the email and by phone.
Four weeks after him breaking up, he mails me a card. I ignored that. Now I have received a letter telling me he loves me and wants to build a bridge to a future.
I think my ignoring him has him missing me. Narcissistic supply. But I do not trust him. And I have seen his mask slip a few times, it was ugly underneath. And he has no empathy, but acts like he cares about his immediate family. The beggars on the street, he could step on. He sought a Christian woman for relationship but had no personal relationship with God. He just talked a good game.
I see this love letter as a hook. I do not see how he can develop true caring. Or empathy. I think he just misses the company of me putting up with him. And it is easier to hook me back in than get back on the internet and look for more women.
Yes, there is a small question I have if I could be letting go of a person who could build a real honest relationship. But I feel like I would need to put a tracer on his vehicle. So, the trust is not there. And I threw that note in the trash.
Grateful to keep reading this information and your comments.
There must be more to this life than crying over failed relationships no matter who’s fault it was. I think most people who experienced a “psycho” in their life forget one simple fact, that they have the built in ability to check out anytime even at their lowest points… life’s too short to suffer fools (psychos)!
Umm no. With a psycho you do not have ‘the ability to check out anytime’. This is the point.
So, it has been some weeks since I wrote about my relationship on this thread. As more time has passed, and I have held firm to no contact…every time tempted I would reread this blog for a reality check. My mind is clearing and pieces are fitting together. I see that he wanted the real love but nothing could fill the void for him. He lied constantly about silly things. He was very ingratiating and mannerly but plotting underneath. He enjoyed watching women in emotional difficulties- he would smirk when his daughter was upset about something. Like he got pleasure from her pain.
On various matters I believe that he wanted to see me in trouble, and I think that he put a virus on my work laptop while alone in my home. It is a Jekell and Hyde personality. None of this could I comprehend while involved with him. It took time and distance for my intuition to knit the actions and behaviors and affects all together.
I feel very glad to be away from the crazy making and to feel on solid ground again. Just thank you everyone for having this information in the public domain so others can gain strength from reading about the dynamic. Until there is distance there cannot be sanity or peace.
Thank you for your update June. Each day away from him you heal 🙂
Nice try however this advice is is mostly opinionated self proclaimed unreserched one person view. The claim that socials are all hiper sexual did it for me. The spectrum an other disorders mixed in ? Be careful.
Sure. Just my view? Well millions of people have been here.. maybe it’s not for you! 🙂
Thank you so much for your blogs which are accurate and lifegiving. I’ve just come out of a 2 year relationship with a sociopath and the lies keep on being uncovered. The truth finds you, as they say. Now that I know the truth it is simply about recovery and NC. Each and every blog has been a blessing and I’m so thankful.
Thank you so much. Just keep going.
I think I was replying to spartangirl’s comment.
But I have emailed you
Very helpful info! I know the classic situation is the psychopathic man preying on the woman, however I am a man who was was conned by and married a psychopath woman. She destroyed my life financially, cut me off from my family and friends, and even tried to put me in prison with false charges. Eventually she abandoned both me and our baby daughter, who I am now raising alone. I was devastated and confused for a long time … until I made the connection that she is a psychopath. Now I am no longer hurt, just angry. There was never any love, so there was no love lost. I never want to see or hear from her again and I am taking legal steps to protect my daughter from her.