About me

About Me

This blog comes from a life that has been a real journey of learning and discovery. I live in the UK, I spent my life, in the real world, working with statutory homeless people. I worked daily with drugs, alcohol, mental health, domestic violence, prolific offenders, prostitutes, young people leaving care, asylum seekers from war torn countries, to name but a few.  Of course, working with the issues that come from this too.  I have worked in this field for over 25 years.

I have a BA Hons. In Housing and Development, so I am not a writer. despite this time at uni, i still returned to working with homeless people, and networking with other agencies.  Following on from this I completed studies at University in Counselling. I also have a qualification in psychology.

Coming from a background working with people with complex needs, I try to write in a way that is down to earth and easy to understand. It complicated enough having been  with a sociopath, as they are prolific liars and masters of deception, so I try to write in a way that is easy to understand.

Work that is on this blog, is copyright to the author. All works are copyrighted and all rights reserved.

I am not a writer. Everything that is written here, has been as a result of the life that i have led, either relationships, spiritual understanding, professional experience, academic understanding, and just common sense! – Probably most importantly, when it comes to healing and recovery, KNOWING what works to help, heal and recover people, tried, tested and practiced for most of my life working with people 1-1 in the real world.

 I truly believe that the truth will set you free. Once you know the truth, you can’t really fully return. I did try though!!  And this too was an experience. The sociopath even if they care about you, the most that they can possibly do, they cannot change. The outcome will sadly always be the same.

If you have been affected by a sociopath, don’t give up hope. There are millions of victims  survivors throughout the world. Spreading the truth, survivors can support  and help to heal each other.

201 thoughts on “About me”

      1. Your site has brought a true understanding of what I lived with for 4 almost 5 years. Almost everything I read has happened to me. I broke off this relationship after going back with him a second time. I am a professional and never thought I could find myself in a situation like this. After I have stopped beating myself up, I have come to realize with God’s help and yours that I will be ok. This man took me into the darkness where he almost killed me. Thank you for this site as I am sure it will or has already helped others.

      2. I am glad I stumbled upon your blog. I lived with 2 sociopaths, one I was married to for 5 years and then almost 8 years later, I met another one and lived with him for 7 1/2 years. The last one almost destroyed me emotionally. And then, exactly 4 months later I met someone who was not a total sociopath, but with just as emotionally unavailable, but,this time I saw the pattern after 3 months. Why do we keep going for the same man? I am trying to figure this out now, and I won’t allow myself to date until I do.

      3. Hi Sketches, first of all your name…. insomnia, I relate too well and am often up all night (sigh)

        Welcome to the site.

        I wonder if you have dated and not healed and then met another who focused on the fact that you were not healed, and therefore lured you in with what you were looking for? Selling your needs back to you?

        If you are healed – you won’t care if you are in a relationship or not. If you do go into one you will want it to be right and rewarding for you – and will leave it if it is not right. As you are ‘ok’ on your own.

        I know that I met more than one in a row, and I think that happened as I wasn’t healed and was looking for something – and possibly someone else to heal pain from what had happened in the past. Leaving me wide open to meet one!

      4. After dating a narcassist for 8 yrs along came the biggest sociopath I have ever met and the saddest part is I had no idea he was. He pursued me for two years while I was still in the long term rocky relationship prior to him. Once I had finally reached closure I decided I would give this new charming, charismatic, extremely sweet and sensitive man a chance. He told me his wife had died of ovarian cancer and he had a son the same age as my daughter. I felt horrible for him. We hit it off right way and I was on cloud nine. He was extremely tall and good looking a professional who always wore a suit and sold insurance. He treated me like an absolute princess and told me he never thought he’d meet the woman who would finally give him a reason to take his ring off. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I thought finally after all the hell I had been through with relationships that I had been blessed with the most beautiful perfect man. Little did I know. As time went by every time I had asked to meet his son or his daughters he would set up a time and date and last minute some catastrophe who happen and he would never follow through. It had been 6 months and he finally took me to his house but only for 20 minutes. I had introduced him to my mother, my sisters and my daughter. Everyone thought he was amazing and was so happy for me. Another year had past and he was available even less and always working. I had never been asked back after the one visit to his house. Things felt so off that I had a friend start investigating stuff for me. Come to find out his wife was very alive and very well off. I had contacted her and met with her. She had told me that he had done this to her for years and put them in over there heads in debt. Once I called him and told him I knew he went and attempted suicide. That man broke me beyond all belief and I am still trying to pick up the pieces.

    1. I have been in a relationship with this man (off and on) for almost three years. I didn’t understand the behavior until I talked to a friend who told me he may be a sociopath. It took me three weeks of gut wreaking and heart breaking pain. Pain I have never felt before to read and research what I sociopath was. OMG. It scared me to death. I saw him. I recently cut him off and he introduced me to his next victim. I will start therapy soon, but I’m still very bewildered, confused and broken.

      1. Hi Alisa welcome to the site. It is so very confusing in the beginning and so hurtful too. As you have been betrayed and deceived. What is so stunning is how they can come across as so wonderful kind and caring whilst behind your back another story is unfolding.

        It is good that you are sticking to no contact….you should gain strength in a shorter space of time by doing this. I do know how you feel that sense of fear when you discover the truth. I remember not wanting it to be true – yet the more that I read the more I couldn’t deny it. His behaviour was a perfect match.

        He has a new victim… I hope you don’t feel jealous or listen to how he is happy with this new person it was all you (they all say that)….. as she will next victim. Whilst you will be free!!! 🙂

      2. Hi, I have a similar situation, did you inform or warn the new woman? Mine abandoned me very suddenly and was within a month with her I was swapped. I am torn between messaging her or not. Any views?

    2. Yes it was brilliant !!! But you never said when the harassment is going to stop, I’m 4 months in harassment now every two weeks now, it’s horrible, threats of coming to my house as if we were still together, how much longer?? Now his is chatting about my daughter and mum all on a text it’s crazy, and still I’m doing the no contact, I’m feeling free and easy on my own in recovery!!

      1. Hi Karen,

        You must go to the police. warn him that if he does not stop contacting you, you will contact the police.

        I understand how this feels. My ex did this but he never threatened to come to my house – he would show up shouting and yelling from outside my house. I had to call police every time.

        Text him one last text, say the relationship is over.Please do not contact me further – or I will file a report with the police for harassment.

        Do not hesitate to report him. Sociopaths hate to be controlled….It should calm him down.

      2. I feel relieved I just read your message as I stepped into my front foo there was a message from the sociopath saying it’s me …… Just came over to see if your ok , I say yuk!!! Then I read your message I’ve just sent the last text, let’s see what happens now, it was short and straight go the point I loved it, I can feel my own power for the first time in 9 years.

      3. Finding your power is good…. make sure you don’t give it away as the hi how are you? Or just came over to see if you are ok? Is their way of trying to get foot back in the door.

  1. You’ve become quite a prolific blogger in such a short period of time! I’m enjoying everything you have to about all things sociopath 🙂 Thanks for sharing your experiences. As a fellow blogger trying to educate the masses about PDs, I think you’re doing a fantastic job 😉

    1. Ah thank you for your kind comments!! I love to write, and type fast, so this makes it easy I sometimes wonder if I write too much? I really appreciate your support, it means a lot, so thank you! 🙂

  2. You earned yourself a follower. 🙂 Hopefully if I ever find a nice young lady in the future, I won’t ever have to deal with intricate madness. But now I can at least learn of the signs.

    1. Thank you for your post and for following my blog!! I need to write more about female sociopaths, often i write stating he, as it is easier to write. But I hope that it is clear that it can apply to both sexes 🙂

      1. Oh yes, I understand that the strengths and weaknesses of the human mind can be applied to both sexes. It would be interesting to see if you have any thoughts on any subtle differences that might exist between male and female sociopaths.

      2. They are very similar. As both male and female can play victim. But the woman could play the part of needing a male to ‘rescue’ her, whilst she plays victim. Both types if the male is heavily narcissistic can show a lot of flesh but a female more so using her body to lure a man in for sex.

        Look at it this way. A sociopath will assess you and then mirror YOU, so a female sociopath would be luring a male, and mirroring him, whilst a male sociopath would be luring a female (if they were hetrosexual), and so what she would do, would really depend on the needs and wants of the man.

        So, it is basically the same….as the sociopath mirrors who you are. And what you want. Offering everything that you want.

  3. It will not matter if she doesn’t actually HAVE what you want. She will lie and pretend that she does, make up incredible outrageous stories….. there will probably be a lack of people from her past to verify that she is lying….. she will make outrageous promises of the life you will live together. Will make out that you are the love of her life…..

  4. I’ve been reading your posts for a while, and just thought they were funny, but then today I realised… I WAS dating a sociopath! Now I’m applying everything you’ve got to say to him, and it’s all so true!

    1. Really? Thank you! you can’t really mistake a sociopath, not once the lies and deception get unravelled.

      Sometimes what I write is funny, as charismatic ones can be so ridiculous, it can be funny (well I laughed)…. other things are not so funny! Your blog looks interesting am going to read… 🙂

      1. I threw out my sociopathic boyfriend one year ago. I nearly lost everything after 3.5 years with him. Only now inching back to MY LIFE. I am only now fully realizing the depth of the web I was caught in. Stumbled across your blog while searching for info that would help me to make sense of what just happened to me! You have described eerily identical traits and troubling strings of characteristics that my ex exhibited as well. I am numb. Feel like I’ve been “had” but I’M BACK!!! But wondering if other women shouldn’t be warned of him? And ALL PREDATORS.

      2. I wouldn’t worry about informing his latest women as that will only bring further trouble to your door…. All that you can do is to focus on you and rebuilding your own life. Welcome to the site 🙂

    1. Thank you mirannanda!! I was couldn’t find the place to write a comment on your blog. I wanted to say, I so understand that feeling – when people say ‘why did you stay’? They just don’t get it, the lies the gaslighting, the manipulation and just quite simply – abuse. I loved what you wrote too…..and you know, where you wrote about those ‘signs from the universe’ that this was right??? …. ah me too, the most incredible things. And it was that faith that kept me there. And I ignored my own intuition because of those signs too, keeping me locked in an abusive relationship, for far longer than I should. I recall at the time, being angry about that i felt deceived, not only by the person that I was with, but also by the universe too….. it taught me something though…. to listen to myself.

    2. I’m so sorry that you feel so stupid about yourself and can I tell you that I felt exactly the same! I’m smart strong and fun and I absolutely believe that you are too! Time helps!

  5. My husband was involved with a pro sociopath . It took everything to prove it , investigate after investigate , 3 years of little pieces then the last one ,the real shocker, she was married and living with her husband the whole time. My husband was involved with spciopath 7 years and everything you wrote about was so true THANK YOU !!!!

  6. Hi there, Would you be interested in telling your story in national women’s mags in order to raise awareness? I am a magazine writer, came across your blog on Twitter x

  7. This is a fantastic blog. Much respect to you for writing it. People who have had to deal with sociopaths (and in some similar ways, narcissists) will appreciate the support and understanding. Sociopathic types of people can indeed make you feel like you are losing your mind and cause so much confusion – it can be hard to see what’s really going on, through the lies, charm and games. Thank you for putting all this information out there. I’m sure many people will find it a valuable resource. 🙂

    1. Thank you Dora. Your comments are really appreciated. I write to break down the behaviour, to try to undo some of the damage caused by the sociopath. The rubbish that they put in your mind, to make you feel bad, and work on healing and recovery. The truth will always set you free. Sometimes we just need to understand exactly what happened – thank you for your comment!! 🙂

  8. Thank you so much for dropping by my blog and following. Sorry you have had experience with a sociopath too. I was raised by one and dated many. Thankfully now, I’m married to a good man who is not one!

    1. Hello nice to meet you!!! Paula (from paulas pontifications recommended you!!).I am moving on Monday to wordpress.org. and am scared as hell…. but there are things that i can’t do on .com that i can do on .org – she said that you might also be on wordpress.org? I just wondered how does it work (as I love wordpress.com and the lovely people here in the community) does it work the same as in terms of the community – and the reader where you can find peoples posts regarding subjects – or are you out there in a field of your own….. probably sounds like a silly question, I am just hoping I am doing the right thing (I think so)…. I just wondered what the difference was end user wise – for you? (or am I going to cry on Monday and regret it?

      1. Hello,

        Nice to meet you too! Paula is awesome eh?!

        Are you setting up a whole new website or are you just switching through WP to .org?

        I’ve done both. I can fill you in more when I know which one you’re doing.

        I know how you feel I was scared too!

      2. Ah Brilliant, thank you!! Does that mean that I will be still part of the WordPress community the same? As in terms of people I am following whose posts come up in the reader? Is the support forum the same? Or is it different?

        I am sorry for all of these questions, I am feeling really excited!! 🙂

      3. You don’t have too apologize at all, I’m happy to help where I can! If you’re just going through your dashboard in on your WP blog, and getting the upgrade to a .org instead of wp.com then everything will stay the same. I suggest you pay the extra $8 to protect your private info. 🙂

  9. I’ve just found your blog today after being discarded by a sociopath earlier this year. Its taken me ages to get my head around what happened, it was just too weird to be true.

    But reading this everything has fallen into place…I’ve had an epiphany!

    I cannot thank you enough, you’ve completely removed my confusion and now I can almost see some humour in what happened. I’ve spoken to the sociopath’s previous victim since reading your stuff and our stories are exactly the same, right from where we both met him a few months after ending a serious relationship.

    He told me she was a slut and a pole dancer, but she is super-lovely, posh, intelligent and in a professional career. He took money off her, but I was pretty careful about not parting with cash and making him pay his way.

    Now I feel terrible for my replacement. Would you ever recommend getting in touch with the next victim and warning them?

    1. Hi ruth,

      Thank you for your kind comments. Yes, humour is a good way through healing. By being able to laugh at it, you can see that it is not you – it is them. I spoke to 2 of my exes previous partners, they all said the same. It just seemed that he got worse not better with each relationship.

      No, I wouldn’t advise getting in touch with the next victim, its never worth It, they would only lie, make you out to to be the crazy one – it just brings more problems your way. Just be grateful that he is gone – and that he is no longer your problem.I think it is ok if the new victim contacts you and asks, but not the other way around…. as if they loved him they simply wouldn’t want it to be true, so would believe the sociopath over you.

  10. I know there is NOTHING normal about a Sociopath.. but, is it common for them to forget their rages?? Or are they aware of how they acted and don’t want to admit their childish behavior.. I broke up with a sociopath and I was harsh with the truth about what I thought about him.. I mean HARSH.. after 4 years of being discarded off and on I had finally had enough and had some things I needed to get off my chest.. for a couple of weeks afterwards he was really CRAZY.. trying to cause problems for me and so on.. however, I feel I beat him at his own game because at that point I had HAD enough.. and responded back with a very nice response to every berating email, call or text. I wanted him to know I was still the nice person he met and his behavior wasn’t going to change me or my mind.. which DROVE him over the deep end.. so after 3 months of LOVING my FREEDOM.. and I mean I am loving it.. I feel human again.. My question is, after this 3 months and no desire to get back with him.. it seems he has either forgotten how he acted or doesn’t want to talk about it.. DO sociopaths remember their actions during their rages or remember how they treated people in their life?? OR is it that they feel they are always right and justified for acting the way they did/do act and it’s everyone else with the problem?? Just curious..

    1. Hi Indygirl, it isn’t that he has forgotten. It is that he just doesn’t see it as important. The sociopath wears the mask of illusion. So, after doing something wrong where their wrongdoings were exposed, they simply put on another mask and begin again. to them, what has happened in the past is not important. They do not learn from past behaviour and therefore repeat the same mistakes over again. It isn’t that he has forgotten. It is that he has no conscience so doesn’t feel guilty. He feels no remorse guilt or shame. So what’s the big deal? That was yesterday – move on. that is their attitude. They simply do not see it as important, and as there is no feelings identified with it, they don’t see it as big a deal as you do.

  11. Thank you.. I understand what you are saying.. I just find it fascinating.. not what I went through, that was hell.. but, just that they have no conscience.. It’s hard for me to understand, because if I have done something wrong, I feel horrible.. I even felt bad for talking to him the way I did even though I do feel justified in my feelings.. I would never want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I had taken a lot until I finally broke.. It is just so hard for me to wrap my head around it.. what seems so obvious as to why I would never put myself through that again, is a mystery to him.. Thank you for your clarity on this..

    1. Yes this was something that I really struggled with, before I understood he was a sociopath. I couldn’t comprehend in my mind, how could he do something horrific and not feel bad, yet try to come back into my life as if nothing had ever happened? It is just because they have no conscience. You cant make them feel what they do not possess. They have no conscience they don’t feel anything.

  12. Just starting reading and I’m so glad someone else has experienced this craziness. I’m currently in a marrage w kids and he has everything listed along w stalking,tracking,degrading,facebook hacking,pretty much everything one can do to gain control..im hopeful but afraid to do anything…

  13. I love this! It is Amazing how these people all have the same characteristics. I’m involved with one and trying to get out!!

    1. Welcome to the site Robin! 🙂 Leaving is not easy, as often the bad behaviour escalates and can be the worst time when you try to leave. Make a plan to escape, having a plan in place, will make it less stressful for you.

  14. I was married for 10 years and had two children with a sociopath. Yes, I am stubborn and don’t take my vows lightly (a quality he played often.) We’ve been divorced 6 years now and it took over half of that time to recover financially. Emotionally, it’s an ongoing process. Everything I liked about myself was exploited for his purposes. I remember the sleep deprivation and the blaming and the rage if, God forbid, something got broken.
    Now he’s moved back and what he’s doing in the kids’ lives is infuriating. I won’t engage, but he just searches for ways to get at me through people I love. Do they ever go away?

    1. Hi Magi, welcome to the site. I am sorry for the delay in reply. It is difficult when you have children with them. The best advice that I can offer you is to see it as a business transaction. I did write a post about co-parenting with a sociopath. It is not an easy thing to go through as they constantly have both an excuse and a whip to beat you with (at the same time), you have to not use emotion. Think with your head and not your heart. Remember how he used your emotions and sense of morality to abuse you. So even if you feel like screaming never show him this, never display any form of emotion.

  15. Trying to learn the best way to deal with And help a 22 yr daughter who is dating a 36 yr. sociopath. Classically he has done All of what u write about. I have tried sending her similar blogs and info, While she escaped from him and came home, he quickly flew to get her and proceeded to take her out of the country for the last month. (she has only known him since mid May. He is pressing her to marry,so he can get a green card. His company is closing, he has no money, however strangely has showered her with expensive gifts. He has made her change her phone # and monitors her every move and coorispondance.
    We only hear bits and pieces from a couple of her friends that she will make small talk with via email. She has cut off the friends that helped her escape from him. Month ago. She begged them to help her and now blames them. Etc… Etc… Etc… We have gotten law inforcment involved, and really never have know a sociopath or know anyone who has. This is so new to us. We have tried bombarding her with information, and also have tried leaving her alone with no attempted contact for as long as a week. she is not responding,To either as we feel this is so over her head on what to think and do.
    Any advice on helping HER see the truth. Funny thing is she knows what he is, she has told us and her friends. She has a loving home to come home to, and did prior to going right to him when he flew to get her. She left all of her things behind, as she said she was only meeting him to talk. And would def come back home….she said that she felt obligated…..(after all he flew in to talk and see her,) however refused to meet her family and wouldn’t let her hang with her friends, then quickly flew her away with him and quickly out of the country. She is currently 100% financially dependent on him, as she left without her clothes etc…would love suggestions to hopefully get through to her. If u email me, I can send some of her coorispondance from a month ago, so u can understand her thought process??? Thank u
    Very scared and frustrated.

    1. Hi Deb, thanks for your comment. As hard as this is to accept, there is nothing that you can do to change your daughters decisions. It is a thing that as a parent esp of our daughters it is the most difficult thing to accept. That they have grown up and are making decisions for themselves. Learning their own life lessons. I think that you are doing the right thing in sending information – it might sink in, but likely he will manipulate and control her. What you do need to do is to let her know that no matter what happens, you will ALWAYS be there for her. Sociopaths do have a tendency to isolate their victims from those who are close, particularly those who suspect the sociopath and are trying to take them away. They will try to turn their victim against you. So be mindful of this. It is important for her to know that you trust her judgement, to realise that she might be in love (if he is a sociopath he would have mirrored her to be everything that she wanted and needed) – do you know what was she looking for when she met him? What is he offering her that is so attractive to her? Try not to alienate her, be supportive – not judgemental. As for getting through to her, even when a victim KNOWS the information themselves it can be difficult to leave. You face an impossible task of trying to persuade someone who doesn’t want to listen…. just send the information and one day, on a bad day when she is feeling bad, she might read it. Knowing the truth seeing how someone else can write what she is going through – might sink in. But she has to WANT this help.

  16. Hi! I was wondering where I could find where you wrote how to get back at a sociopath as you say in your about me section? I’ve read your blog daily this entire week and I must say it has helped me tremendously. But I still have those moments where I read something you write and I fee ok and I’m not alone in this. others feel this way too….then hours later back to being sad again. It truly is awful the torment these people can do to your life and he truly is like my drug! You’d think I’d see all hes done and want to be free but I’m not ready yet. I keep asking myself is he really a sociopath? But your stories are all so close to home that I can’t imagine him NOT being one. I just can’t find the strength to do no contact yet 😦 Please keep up the blog! For me right now it is a lifesaver

    1. Hi Brandy, I know that you say that you don’t have the strength to do No contact yet but honestly it takes more strength and energy to be in contact. Whilst the contact might give a short term fix for relief of the pain, ultimately it will only serve to bring more pain. As eventually one day you will have to establish no contact, for your own sanity, self respect and peace of mind. The article that you asked for was – (and this is NOT recommended for someone that you have children with, or have to work with, or someone who is violent) never put yourself at risk. If you have to have contact (through children/work) you need to make it business only. I wrote this, for those times when it is impossible to establish No Contact. When you try it is escalating out of control – turning up at your house, shouting and yelling, threatening work constant smear campaigns, living in hell that is not stopping any other way. I found that with the last one No contact escalated things and it was out of control. https://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/08/how-to-get-even-with-a-sociopath/ Welcome to the site 🙂

  17. Thanks for your response. I was wondering if maybe I could email my story to you and see what you thought. I read things sometimes and I’m like…yep that’s him. But then I read something else and it’s so not him. I would just like to get an opinion from someone who KNOWS a SP to see if I’m wrong. I think you should have access to my email thru my responses maybe? Or if you have somewhere you’d like me to post I could do that as well. It’s just long and I don’t wanna take up that much space . Thanks!!:)

    1. I cannot give a diagnosis whether someone is a sociopath or not. That is not my remit here. But the truth is if someone is making you feel bad, this is not good for you. Whatever they are — they are not good for you. So the advice would be the same to establish no contact and to focus on you!!… anyone who is right for you would enhance you and your life, love and support you. Will help you to grow. grow with you, not stamp on you. If the person you were with was not doing this, they were not good for you….. Feel free to write your story here if you like there are quite a few long stories here. And someone might read it and be able to identify or offer some other advice? 🙂

  18. I am truly amazed that just about every time when I am feeling bad and I check my email, that there seems to be a new post by you on exactly the area of suffering that I feel I just really cannot get through or that I still think is just unique to me. Awesome site. Thank you so much.

  19. I cannot thank you enough for this site. I found it last night, just three days after ending a five month relationship with a sociopath. Your site has helped me so much already and I have only brushed the surface. I began to realize my relationship was unhealthy when I began to find him in constant lies and I myself began to feel as if I was too insecure and untrustworthy whenever I would ask about someone or something I did not feel was ‘right’. As soon as I was able to confirm that he was also involved with three other women, and had been lying to me about everyday matters, I ended the relationship. I did it calmly and in a very conversational way, only bringing up one of the women and he denied ever knowing someone by her name. He then told me I was too insecure and always overthinking things and that I didn’t trust him. As soon as he turned it back on me, I knew I was right to be breaking it off. Actually, he just got up and walked out not saying a word…so it was all pretty easy. But as soon as the door shut behind him, the tears and the heartbreak began. I cried for three days straight and then found this site last night. I am so gratelful as I am now able to realize that I am not going crazy and everything I was feeling was right on! I am so glad you have touched on the “no contact” as he did contact me via text last night and I did reply. From now on, I will come here and read…and learn more about how to stay strong. I was also glad to read that one should not notivy the other victims. Many of my friends want me to notify these other women. I refuse to and after reading your blog, I am so relieved. A few friends were telling me it was my responsibility to warn these women, but I did not agree. And after reading your blog, I now realize that another man I dated many years ago, was also a sociopath. In fact it was after I began to realize that my recent mans behavior was reminding me of this ex that I realized how unhealthy the relationship was. Never knowing until I read your blog that they are both sociopaths. My only question now is this…is there a way to identify sociopaths (upon meeting), so that we can avoid them in the future? Or is there something I am doing to attract them? Thank you so much for the help you have provided! I feel so much more hopeful that I will get through this with the help of this site!

    1. You will get through this!! Realise that how he treated you was nothing to do with you. The more you read, and can relate to the person that you were dating – the easier it becomes when you realise that he was the crazy one not you!! Is there a way to identify them? Well 1. They are usually charismatic, Charming, extremely confident (even when there is no need to be) – 3. Suspicion of lies (things don’t quite add up) 4. Appears to be perfect – just too good to be true 5. Lack of boundaries for your personal space 6. Wanting to be with you – (so that they can keep an eye on you 7. Telling you exactly what you are looking for – how can you avoid it? …. I think I wrote a post (how to avoid dating another)

  20. What you writeis important stuff and needs to be discussed. I have just come out of counselling sessions after a rather vicious corporate sociopath almost took me down. He moved on (as they do)…however, I am now in a relationship with a woman (6 months) that fits the female sociopath description to a T. I have new skills and insights on how to deal with sociopaths (run and run far), but I just can’t be sure. I am a senior executive in a large organisation…and you would think I would know better by now. If she is sociopathic I need to get the hell out of there, but the question is what if I am misreading her. She does have a aggressive sex drive, is always broke, can’t hold down a job, txt’s me constantly saying she misses me and wants me, asked me to co-sign her lease (I already own a home and lease a home)….she has been married 3 times…and has told me regularly that I made the first move…I didn’t. Any advice would be welcomed.

    1. Hi Richard, Aragh sociopaths in the work place. Wow they can do damage. And that can be awful (i went through that one too) – you cant leave as you are financially reliant. It damages your self esteem so you stop believing in yourself – horrible experience. As for the woman in your life. trust your instinct. Whatever she is – your instincts are telling you that this is not good for YOU. You are seeing red flags waving – are you going to listen to them – or are you going to keep continuing for the life lessons and learning experience? Do you really want to? In the beginning many of us asked these questions – and continued – to our cost – often to the cost of everything that we held dear.

    2. I think you may’ve answered your own question (run and run far). I’m sure she must have some positive qualities, but you don’t list any that add up to her being stable. I write a blog here on WordPress about ethics breaches in the workplace called Consulting Hardball. I have a feeling you may relate to some of what I have posted there as well as it addresses the relational side of what goes on behind the corporate curtain.

      1. Thanks Scarlett I will check out your blog as I went through hell in the workplace for too many years thanks to that bullshit. It is so hard as well as you cant just ‘leave’ nothing I did was right the goal posts constantly changed. I was told to do one thing – and then another. Things I said or did were twisted and changed. I remember saying to my boss ‘this is like a very bad abusive relationship’ that I am struggling to get out of…. and it was too.

  21. Some managers (and others as well) are very good at creating moving targets and paddle-less creeks. I’ve encountered all manner of sabotage at different levels in my 7 years of Fortune 500 consulting and over 15 years in business. Unfortunately, many books on “getting ahead” don’t help, although there are business ethics books in publication too so, it likely comes down to the individual predispositions.

    When one of my former managers lowered the chair in a conference room of the superior we were planning to meet—just to gain a psychological advantage, I knew I would end up writing about my experiences in the workplace. For whatever reason, I always seem to stumble across “what’s really going on” at just the right (or wrong!) moment.

  22. Thank thank thank thank you!!!!! I am currently going through a break up because my ex (lesbian couple) stole my late fathers money from me and simply said that 12,000 was for bills….(can’t go into everything cause of the case) but she admitted fault to get back on my good side but its biting her in the behind! She than made me feel crazy again because of an argument and she put an injunction out on me when she was the one who wanted to work it out….ugh….let me start from the beginning. I am a masters new grad student who majored in occupational therapy. And I was her target for a good life. I have been struggling for weeks now after finding out she took my money and than wouldn’t answer me like I was nothing….but after some advice and just simply reading your home page you described our relationship to the T! Finally some relief! I’m tired of looking crazy or ppl looking at me like I’ve lost my mind cause of her….I will continue to come to this site until I’m done healing….and I just want to say God Bless You 🙂 you seriously have me some hope!

    1. Hi and welcome to the site. I am sorry to read what you have been through, but can assure that people who post on this site do understand (although we accept that not many other people will or do). We understand how it can turn your world upside down. How it can absolutely destroy you and your world. The lies and the deceit and how they see YOU (often) as a lifestyle choice. Welcome!!! 🙂

    2. You can get through this….. if you have an ongoing case – no contact might be currently difficult. No doubt she will lie manipulate turn things around on you. You might question your mind and feel so confused.

      I hope that we can offer you some sanity and understanding 🙂

      1. You guys defiantly have! Even to my family and friends I can explain now! I always kept saying to my family that she played the victim and always had this Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality but I could never explain it past that…ya the case thing is hard…I still love her but I know that it’s not healthy for me…at the beginning of our relationship she led me three times cause she didn’t know if she wanted to be with her ex or not which was crazy to me….I didn’t understand how you could leave someone crying and asking you not to go but now I see…I see everything after reading this….I want to expose her so bad and she telling everyone we broke up cause of my mom….which is false I stopped talking to my mom for three years because of her….I just can’t believe this happened…but I know I can get through this….she’s trying to ruin my career before it even gets started…an that’s scary….I’m waiting to see if she will come back but she probably already found her next target….this is just all so unreal to me….everything she done is written on the blog which really scares me….I just pray I can get my money back….cause that was very evil on her part knowing where the money came from….

  23. positivagirl, is there any limit as to when they STOP coming back?? I have followed your blog and steps for healing and I must say I am and feel like a new person thanks to you and your followers. After many months of no contact and actually enjoying my life, my sociopath came back full force. Going through ALL the phases faster and more determined then ever before. I guess because I was stronger and happier the phases went really fast. I knew that I didn’t want the crazy making in my life again after so much work on myself. But, I am completely shocked at how fast the phases were this time. Just one week of adoration, to devaluing me then to discard.. again.. but is was lightening speed this time.. I don’t know if he sensed I was more of a match and stronger this time or what.. My questions are does the phases change over time and move more quickly towards the discard phases? And do they ever stop coming back?

    1. I think the reason that the phases go so quickly the next time indy is because YOU have changed. So you are not as good prey.

      Look at it like this. When you first met him he

      Assessed you

      But – this time things were different. You were not such an easy target (even if you feel you were lulled back in). You wouldn’t have been so reeled in by his image of ‘perfection’. Because you know the truth. So this time it went quicker – not because of him…. but because of you. Because you had changed.

      This is a good thing. Also he might try to come back and use all of his might to do so, for narcissistic supply – and once he achieved that…. then leaves again (knowing in his mind he can come back again)

      In the beginning he had to seduce you from beginning. He had to learn about you. This time he doesn’t have to learn. he already knows about you – he already knows your weaknesses and buttons to press…. so he can skip a lot of that phase…. seduction well you already did love him or had residue of love so that part is easier –

      Then his real self shows with devalue to justify himself before he runs away again and does discard. Leaving you feeling shattered – again.

      But what has changed is you…. and this is the biggest thing. Therefore – in a lot of senses his quick track through the phases is a reflection of your success…. in healing you. No longer were you such a good target who would give him source of supply.

      Do they ever stop coming back? If you stop them from doing so !!! Again that choice is yours.

    2. Only if they think there is nothing more they can do with you. If you aren’t manipulatable, you aren’t usable for their purposes. Since what matters to them is them, they test and request to see how malleable you are. If softening you up doesn’t yield results anymore, you aren’t useful. I think it’s really that simple.

    3. i got rid of my sociopath 2 months ago, not by choice but by default and she tried top get back in at week 2 but i did not meet her at the cafe as she requested. she was living a double life and i told her it would have to stop because it was ruining the love and that is when she threw a drama fit and ended it. she saw me as ending things and so she had to be the first one to end it. she had to leave things up in the air so the questions would be there, like:
      how did this end so fast?
      everything was great and then all of a sudden she is gone?
      she wants control even in the ending of the relationship it seems..
      she was abusive, threatening, kicking, spitting, etc etc…
      the only reason i put up with it was because i was her friend at work first

      my guess is now that it has been 2 months, she might try again but i doubt it.
      if she tries again, i am not sure if i will laugh at her or try to get her professional help. my idea is to be friends with her but people have said that it is impossible for them to just be friends.

      i really do not care if she tries to come back or not, because either way i am set in my own goals and will not follow her lies and chaotic life. this is why she got abusive to begin with i would not follow her plans and i had my own plans..

      she tried to get money and property but she failed. as a man i guess it is easier to deal with these sociopaths because we are so goal oriented verses relationship oriented. not sure but after 2 months i am glad she is gone, she is not even my kind of woman the more i look back i wonder how i ever got involved with her or even caught up in her games. i had to leave the job just to get away fro her. she is a master manipulator for sure and it is best for me to keep my distance.

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  25. Just kicked my wife out the house after 13 yrs of marriage & 18 total years together. She has lied & deceived me from the beginning. Evicted from her apt when we were dating I offered her to move in, she was arrested for embezzlement, spent over 20k on our homes credit line ( I didn’t know about), drained a college fund (didn’t know about) , maxed out ccards behind my back (not authorized to use) and not told me, quite paying our mortgage (almost lost the home), cheated on me with my neighbor a few years ago, I have liquidated my IRA to pay off her debts or bills. All the while shes keeping everything secret until I find out then I clean up the mess. I stayed with her this long because I thought I could help her & I did for way too long. I just found out about the mtg & ccards and I threw her out in early November. Less than 2 months from being separated she texts me to let me know she wants to see other people for conversation….no relationship, hook up, etc.(I’m suppose to believe that) She said she hopes I understand and was sorry to hurt me. WTF? The constant pattern of lies, deceit, manipulation are just unimaginable and evil. I cant believe I tried so long and hard to make this work but it will never work…..she cant be helped…….she’ll find the next victim since I have now been discarded. After 18 years I am amazed at the lack of empathy, remorse & guilt. This website has connected a lot of the dots I have missed for years but it all makes sense now. Sad thing is I paid for therapy for years but she was good enough to get by with the therapist and pin blame on me. So now I’m in therapy to learn how to get over this part of my life and move on. Its very hard to do I am finding out. NO contact is hard because of the child but I’ll figure it out with love and support from my friends and family that I had cast aside in the past because of her. Time to revist those folks & get back to living for me, put my life back to together. And watch as her vicious cycle winds into another wave of self-destructive behavior that will crash again but I am not there to pick up the pieces. Wish me luck. I need all the help and prayers I can get.

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  27. The first time I read the 18 signs, I cried. I could not beleive that this was me on the receiving end. I do feel stupid and very angry at the moment especially the more I read through these pages the more ‘that’s him’ comes to mind.
    It is all still very raw and due in court on Wednesday for him to get child access. I am expecting him to come out with all the threats he made in the last year about ‘having his day in court’ – alocholic, drug taker, bipolar etc etc – everything that I have been reading he has said or done.
    Having to deal with the police on a weekly basis as he has borken the order or damanged more of my property is all very overwhealming.
    I am hoping to move back home soon and I know that I now need to start reading the pages on recovery and healing, although I will never be able to do the No Contact.
    Thanks for all this, it opened my eyes. I knew that it was not me, but of course he had other ideas!

    1. I’m so sorry that you feel so stupid about yourself and can I tell you that I felt exactly the same! I’m smart strong and fun and I absolutely believe that you are too! Time helps!

  28. When I first stumbled upon this website, I was shocked at how exact my treatment had been in comparison. And all carried out in the same clinical order. I tried to exit my relationship after 3 months but was made to feel so bad for abandoning her. There was such a tiny percentage that I’d got it wrong and that she was a good person but I went back to her. When I ‘ended it’ after the 3 months, I wrote her a letter. With my new found knowledge, the letter clearly states that she is a sociopath. If I now search 3 words from the letter that I wrote – Dishonest, Manipulative, Isolate – then your site as well as others come up. This would have shown me, clearly who I was dealing with. She also ticks 19 of the 20 boxes on the Robert Hare checklist. I ended up back with her for another 15 months. The last 6 months were total gaming and ruining. It ended in July 2013. I would never have believed that this woman would have ever contacted me again, but after her previous ex and son saw me out with my ex-wife, she tried to get back with me. I have ended up in such a good position, considering all that I went through, but the pain I have felt has been so severe. I have suffered from early awakening (1:30-2:00am) since last July. Also scored 13 on the ptsd test. I would like to post the letter I wrote her.

    1. Hi Roger welcome to the site. It’s a tough thing to go through isn’t it? The constant games and mind control. Yes it can affect you psychologically they love to knock you off balance. Luring you in with the temptation of stability and then offering you anything but. Please do post the letter would be interested to read it and what was her response?

  29. hello im new to this site and it is truly wonderful. Really opened my eyes and need in a time when i am trying to go cold turkey… One think I was curious about is the distinction between sociopath/violent sociopath/psychopath… Mine I would have said was textbook sociopath – i posted part of my story in the stories section today – but lately I have seen his temper increase to the point that instead of leaving the chair smacked on the floor, the door banged or the phone lobbed at the wall, he had progressed to throwing a knife past my head into a worktop, punching a hole through a door, and smashing my car window in a massive massive rage… is this the behaviour of a violent sociopath or a psychopath??

    1. Hi fey I think that they all come from the same field of socio psychos. Look up distempered psychopath. Please think about your safety and getting out safe. If he is violent please don’t risk your life, someone who has no conscience and is violent is the most dangerous of all particularly when he loses control.

  30. hi there. thank you. I am out. its been two weeks now. I have blocked him from everything now and am trying to disconnect from all people in common…. i will look up distempered psychos… i am worried about what he is capable of… but hope he just gets bored and leaves me alone though he shows no signs of it yet….

  31. Hi 🙂 I just would like to say thank you. Thank you having this little space on a great big internet world for someone to feel empowered and justified. I was married to a sociopath for 10 years and have now been divorced for 2. I was just doing some general research on the internet and found your site. As I began to read over your pages, tears fell from my eyes. I was married to this man your pages continually describe and I had no idea,… No idea at all that his behaviors feel into this sociopathic catagory .
    It really wasn’t all my fault, all the fights, arguments, every time I caught him in a lie, all the times he cheated etc. I can not even begin to convey the relief I feel from knowing that I will be ok. I find it difficult to date even after all these years because of the damaging mental scars he left on me. I constantly blame myself for everything and make excuses for everyone. I feel the need to cover up when others make mistakes so they don’t get in trouble. This is all behavior that he trained me to do for him. Just reading over your pages and seeing that other people are dealing or have dealt with the same thing is opening doors to healing.
    With tear filled eyes I just want to say thank you. Have a great week 🙂

  32. Your blog is amazing! I was recently dumped (by text) by my fiancé after being engaged for barely 6 months (she insisted that we got engaged after 3 months of being together). We had known each other for 2 years but only started going out after a year. Everything in your blog rings true from the manipulative behaviour and sudden mood swings to the exit strategy. My former partner has moved on to someone else who is “much more suitable than me” (her words!) She did thank me for being so kind & insisted that we spoke one last time as she didn’t want us to finish on a sour note (I refused which she didn’t understand – this was after she threatened to sell our engagement ring and accused me of getting her into debt, not to mention slagging me off to my sister, her friend who we met through!) I didn’t even know what a sociopath was before I met my fiancé. Your blog has made things so much clearer and there is so much useful advice here. While I’am far from being out of the woods (I still have to collect my furniture from the flat we intended on sharing together and she still owes me £1100 that I contributed to the deposit). I feel lucky that I am free to live my life again – I was prepared to give up my job (which I love) and move away from my family and friends to spend the rest of my life with this woman who I thought I loved. A lucky escape!

  33. Your blog is amazing! I was recently dumped (by text) by my fiancé after being engaged for barely 6 months (she insisted that we got engaged after 3 months of being together). We had known each other for 2 years but only started going out after a year. Everything in your blog rings true from the manipulative behaviour and sudden mood swings to the exit strategy. My former partner has moved on to someone else who is “much more suitable than me” (her words!) She did thank me for being so kind & insisted that we spoke one last time as she didn’t want us to finish on a sour note (I refused which she didn’t understand – this was after she threatened to sell our engagement ring and accused me of getting her into debt, not to mention slagging me off to my sister, her friend who we met through!) I didn’t even know what a sociopath was before I met my fiancé. Your blog has made things so much clearer and there is so much useful advice here. While I’am far from being out of the woods (I still have to collect my furniture from the flat we intended on sharing together and she still owes me £1100 that I contributed to the deposit). I feel lucky that I am free to live my life again – I was prepared to give up my job (which I love) and move away from my family and friends to spend the rest of my life with this woman who I thought I loved. A lucky escape!

  34. Hi positvagirl,

    Thanks for getting back in touch. Luckily my fiancé has assured me that I will get every penny back but not until she vacates the flat at the end of June. So instead of hanging on for the money I have decided to move on with my life avoiding any form of contact with her unless it is really necessary (which it probably isn’t!) I have managed 6 weeks so far! I have moved to a new house and am slowly making plans for the rest of the year. I was consumed by rage and jealousy when my former partner admitted she had found someone new. Since finding your blog things are clearer for me and I feel I have me the closure that I was unable to get off my fiancé.

    1. Go careful as they are great at Stalling for time. What you might find is that it gets to June, she has had accommodation for a few months and you still don’t get money back. Remember their motto is often ‘what’s in It for me’

  35. Hello – I found your blog while entering the Cosmo Blog Awards 2014 – yours was in the shortlist for 2013. I haven’t stopped reading it since. You are awesome.
    This blog should be compulsory reading for everybody. My life was hollowed out by a sociopath – he nearly destroyed me.
    We’re talking 4% of the population here aren’t we? One in 25 people are sociopaths.
    Hare is a god to me – his wisdom should be taught in all the educational establishments in all the world.
    Keep up the good work – your blog is amazing.

  36. i started dating a nice person(so i thought) which soon turned into a nightmare, no remorse, no consequences for her actions, no respect for peoples property, no family ties, no shame in public , tried to shame me in public and( love) to her is only a four letter word .When she does something wrong it’s others fault. She insults but can’t apologize or say i am sorry .After a couple of glasses of wine she turns into a she devil so i wonder is she a socio.or a psycho. or is there a mix.

    1. Hi Ivan. There are different schools of thought some use sociopath and psychopath for the same thing, others (my school of thought) see them as different. With psychopaths there is nothing inside. They are empty inside.

  37. i started dating this woman about three months ago and in that short period she put a spell on me .I feel like i am in a fog or maze ,everything is so unclear .She sucked me in and then things started happening ,it is like black widow spider except she doesn’t kill but leaves a long lasting effect which is almost paralyzing .and now it is going to take me a long time to extract that venom and feel normal again.and along this process i feel i lost a part of me. i am telling this from experience this is not the first time.I wish they came warning sign.

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