It can be quite crushing, when the man that you are in love with turns out to be nothing but a compulsive pathological liar. When you realise that you have been used by someone that you gave everything to. This person is someone that you shared your life with, and no doubt your finances too. You had hopes and dreams, none of which came true.
It can feel shattering when you realise that this person has now moved on, and met someone new. You can feel, used, abused and just worthless. (you are not, I promise)
You will ask the following questions, and at worst, this will play on your mind, and you can spend hours, days, and sometimes weeks or months, torturing yourself with the following questions about his/her new partner and the life he is living without you:
- What does he/she have that I do not?
- Why is he/she treating her/him better than me?
- If he/she is now being this ‘perfect man/woman’ that he/she said would be with me, why now – why was I not good enough?
- Why can he/she do it for her/him and not for me?
- What is wrong with me?
- Why didn’t I deserve to be treated in that way?
These are common questions that are asked and felt by people who have been involved with a sociopath, once the sociopath has moved on to someone new. The thoughts in your mind, can feel soul destroying and the pain unbearable.
You hear that he/she is in ‘love’ and is like a different person. It is most likely that the sociopath will tell you how happy he/she now is and to ‘thank you’
Yes, that is right, they will thank you for
- All that you taught them
- All that you gave to them
They will tell you how happy they are now, and that they are sorry that they didn’t do this whilst they were with you. And that you do deserve to happy. This can feel like a kick in the teeth.
You look back at everything you went through with this person, and now they are telling you how they are NOW Mr/Mrs Perfect, Mr/Mrs reliable – he/she is now everything that they pretended they were in the beginning for you.
And that last sentence is the most important one. So important, that I will repeat it again.
He/she is now everything that they pretended they were in the beginning for you (yes I know that this hurts, but hear me out)
The word ‘pretend’ is of course an important one. I know that this hurts, but you are looking at the situation forgetting that your ex is a sociopath. He/she is a person who does not live by the norms of others. Remember in the beginning, how he/she also pretended to be perfection and how you were sucked in? Well the same thing is happening again. Only this time to someone else and not you, remember the drill
- Assessment
- Seducing
- Gaming
- Ruining
What is now happening, is that the sociopath has regained composure, put back on a new mask, and is now playing the game again. This time he/she is seducing someone else, just as he/she once seduced you.
This is cause to celebrate!!! What this means is that YOU ARE FREE!!!! Yes, that is right, you are FREE!! Of course he/she hasn’t changed. They can’t change remember? This is nothing to do with you. This is nothing to do with how inadequate YOU are. They WILL be the same with someone else. So celebrate your freedom.
Don’t delay what you CAN do today!! You are free!! So go celebrate that freedom…..
You have lost nothing. Because you know that after seduction comes gaming/ruining. Not just sometimes, but all the time, as this is the way that they are.
There is nothing for you to feel jealous of. Your ex hasn’t suddenly turned into an amazing person. Has not suddenly turned into a person who he/she always promised you would be. Yes, it is true that you were used, but this is not a reflection on you. This is a reflection on them.
Your ex hasn’t changed for someone else, because they can’t. it is who they are. They can’t change. They CAN put on another mask and pretend again for a while, but this is all, this is all that is happening. But, just as his/her history is chequered with carnage, the same thing will happen again.
Try to be grateful, that the abuse of you has stopped, that he/ she has a new source of supply to use, for as long as it lasts. Most likely he/she will be back in touch, so be grateful for this space, to concentrate on you. Because one thing is for sure, that the sociopath is one personality type who can never change.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
Thank-you !!! This information has been so helpful. Although in my rational thoughts I understand that he is what he is and will do it again and again and again, sometimes I do let a little self doubt sneak in and ” what if now he is all I hoped he would be”…blah blah. When I found out my sociopathic ex has his second new girl since our break-up only 5 months ago . This one is already living with him and pregnant to him. I was always told by him how much he wanted me to live with him, he couldn’t wait to start a family etc. and now is doing those things with someone he has been with barely three months. I was so upset when I found out and I was jealous. After reading your article I dou understand that she is having exactly the same torturous relationship that I had with him for 18 months. She may not know it yet, everything may well smell like roses still but I KNOW IN MY HEART that sooner rather than later she will start to smell something foul. I pity this more new ‘ victim’ and the fact that she will share a child with him which means that he will always be present in her life in some way. After reading this article I am feeling very blessed that this monster is out of my life.
Hi teslil, I am glad that you found the article useful. The mind can play tricks and we are good at looking back at things through rose coloured glasses. Just seeing the good (I can do it all the time). I would imagine that it is also painful for you, that he was planning a family with you, then went off and is starting a family with somebody new. In your mind you can then mourn not only the loss of the partnership, but also loss of the family that he discussed with you too. And this is what can play tricks. As tough as it is, try to see how you have had a lucky escape. And that now you are FREE to start a family with someone who can be a good father, and offer you and your future family stability try to focus on this. Thinking you have had a very lucky escape!! 🙂
These Are things I need to hear regularly. I have been through exactly this, I’ve wondered how I let it happen to me. He has told Me how perfect everything is in his world, he has told me that he is on and I’m not (moving on for him means a new victim).
When the feelings of sadness over his not being here invade my psyche I try to tell myself that he is doing to the next as he did to me. He is after all a predator. A verydangerous predator.
It is difficult for me, everyone in my life is new, people I have no history with, I have one friend in Savannah, Georgia who has been a great source of caring and inspiration. She has repeatedly told me how bad he was and the awful things he did to me. I have known her for thirty years and in that time she has seen my life disintegrate . She knows my sociopath, she is a behavior specialist and knew long before I he was dangerous.
I have had no contact now for almost a month. That has given me prospective which has resulted in clarity. I must continually be reminded of his continual abuse of me.
I struggle on a daily basis with people who “don’t get it” and are constantly telling me to forget it, I can’t forget it, but I can learnn and understand the dynamic.
It is so difficult to explain to people isn’t it.
Remember that the sociopath manipulated and did mind tricks and conning when with you, and is doing it now. By saying these things to you, and letting you know how good their life is, whilst you are sat there with your own life in pieces.
It doesn’t matter that you only have one friend. That is enough to love you for you, and remind you of who you truly are, and also for you to remind yourself, of days when things were better.
His whole how great is life is now is a lie and bullshit. As you know, their lives are not great, they are empty inside and feed off of other people.
You are FREE…. I know how hard that is to see. She is the next victim. He doesn’t love her, he cant. he is using her…. and you deserve so much better.
You can’t change them, but you can change you!! She wont change him either…..
Recently I’ve learned that the SP HAS ILLEGALLY married his next victim. I have talked to her and tried to warn her but it was no good. She is 20 yrs younger and totally duped. It has left me feeling wtf. Everyone is telling me I’m lucky and free, but I don’t feel that way. I’m angry and full of resentment. Could you give me some suggestions.
Your site is amazing. You could pull out some positive affirmations here, turn them into a slideshow! Your site has made me smile widely several times. True, this is not a first for me, breaking up with a sociopath, I think they are attracted to single mums. I think thanks to understanding Non Violent Communication, some psychology due to Depression CBT, I have a head start. I thought mine had a sex addiction that CANDEO could fix, but now I don’t believe there is a fix for him. Just broken families lying in his wake. I wonder if he experiences sadness and grief?
Bek
My ex told me he goes for single older mums because they are the most vulnerable and are stupid enough to beleive his bullshit. He also said he wouldnt hang around long enough for them to really get to know him. Yes. He grooms women on the Internet and I just wish this could be stopped. I’m nearly 8 months on away from him going through divorce and bringing up our son single handed. His seen him twice in this time because I have been trying to protect our son from his malicious behaviour. Supervised contact for the time being. I in myself have come along way but dont feel like I have. I’m still going through the grieving process. Back and fourth in my head. He may not be here with me but the thoughts of him are still suffocating me and im struggling to move forward. No one gets me. This is all so frustrating and very painful. Good luck with your recovery.
I am so sorry to read that you are in pain. Take it one day at a time, remember that this is like an addiction. Have you ever quit smoking? It’s like that. You will get withdrawal at least for a while. Try to stay strong, and keep moving forward. Time, really is a great healer, time, and understanding what has happened to you.
Thank you positivagirl. I have known for three years and done so much reading. If it wasnt for him doing an online test on pd’s I would never have known as hadn’t heard of such cluster b personality disorders. I did used to read my findings to him and he would agree it sounded just like him and was proud to have a title but at the same time said I’m the only person who thinks he has a problem and how his happy as he is thanks. I tried so hard to keep my family unit together ignoring my gut feeling. He lost my trust when our son was weeks old. I changed as a person. I became very paranoid and so untrusting and isolated myself and our son. He called me a control freak because I didn’t want him going out by himself and I was always asking who was you texting etc. Thats the result of having lost all trust for him and not me trying to control him. Something he could never understand. Because I couldnt just drop it all and wanted resolve his mask slipped. There were admittedly plenty of red flags with his behaviour before this but I was wearing my rose tinted glasses and see past it all. I was engaged, pregnant and then married in 10 months. I was the happiest woman alive and thought finally, I have met the man of my dreams and this is my last chance to finally be happy. (His a lot younger than me. I went through a mid life crises after my last longstanding relationship). I was very very vulnerable. An older single mum with the biggest heart. I was damaged goods when I met him. Yes he groomed me on the internet. He rebuilt me learning everything about me. What I had been through in my past relationship (mental abuse) and he behaved the way I said I would like in an ideal man. He has since said he wanted to build me up to just see how high and hard he could make me fall. I slumped back into depression. Back on meds and was told later by my dr that they didn’t actually feel it was depression this time but the effects of abuse so I took myself of my medication and have stayed off it for over a year despite me still suffering but dont want to go back down that road. I was constantly told by my ex that I was mad, mental and crazy and how no one would ever beleive me because his only like this to me. I would love to have people in my life that have been through the same as friends and family just don’t get it. What I’ve been through is very real and am struggling to shake it. I get told to pull myself together. If I could and it was that easy don’t they think I would. I feel so lonely and hurt like mad. I’m receiving long term counselling which is a positive thing but feel that the lack of knowledge out there for us, yes I will say survivors, seems non existant. I want to recover more than anything but its hard when very few people understand the trauma and damage these monsters create and leave you with.
Oh and yes got me in debt. Lived of me like a parasite and never paid a penny for the wedding. I brought our engagement and wedding rings. I even paid for my own christmas presents. Why was I such a fool!!!
Soul destroyed. You are so not alone. The most frustrating thing is how people do not understand if you paint them a picture with a big X marked sociopath and tell them to look it up in the dictionary. It’s met with just get over it, you deserve better. Of which is true, but they do not see the true abuse behind it and the emotional turmoil/pain we hold inside. The loneliness from isolation and despair, the PTSD from the bursts of emotional breakouts from past experience with our S over…. well, quite anything that you say in your head…. are we really arguing over this? (When my S was in the honeymoon stage and replacing my flooring, he told me how unappreciative I was because I was either texting or reading a book while he did the floors. I asked what was I supposed to do, he advised I was supposed to be watching what he was doing so I would know when he needed me and what to do. When I responded with when you need me just let me know and I will be there – I was in the same room, it was not good enough. Hell nothing was good enough for him but the money I forked out constantly because this and that happened. My job was not good because it was demanding but the paycheck obviously was good to pay his stuff too. I lost my job in the end due to thecomplaints I worked too much. I cut that down, but was always reminded how I put my job first and my kids and he was last. He separated me from my children and I ALLOWED it, I was in love with this man…. he never saw that nor should I ever have allowed. Hindsight is always 20/20. He’s onto his new victim, which he vehemently denies, but he is and it sickens me to my stomach even knowing what he is. Our last fight that lead to the defninitive breakup last month, I quoted parts of sociopath articles indicating yes, it does say you would do this and it does say you’d do that, he was enraged. He’d already chosen and identified his prey long before we broke up…. to my amazement it was a woman we had argued over beforre, but I was crazy and paranoid…. hmmmm…. as someone said to me, stop trying to convince the non believers, it’s just more frustrating for us. Let’s all bond together by continuing to support and read the blogs and help each other recover. We understand, truly understand. We believed the lies they told us and likely in my case, let him control the standards for the relationship because of the lies we were sold. I just say never again. Tonight it’s 6am and I havenot been to sleep yet, not pining away, but upset still. Upset at myself for being upset and missing him and sickened that he’s with someone else (5 days after our official breakup). It will get better. I allowed him to replace my beliefs, church was never anymore once he suckered me in, slowly finding my way back but it hurts…. you’re not alone. I understand.
I just found him on a dating site, saying he “wants a relationship”! Ha! It’s not as tough of a blow as I thought it would be. He was cheating most of our 4 mos together anyway. The next girl will not understand what hit her, just like me and most of you here. It’s not fair that she will not know who he is until she’s in deep. I really care about everyone here. I hope when your ex dates again, (adding to his supply) you remember how dirty they were, “dating” others the whole time anyway. It’s not “new” news! 5% of me is upset over the new dating account. That is excellent PROGRESS for me. I want this to give everyone hope. We will all press onward, in our own time. Wish we could all talk more! You guys are great, especially Positivagirl! 😉 Love you!
Yeah my P has a profile looking for “someone to connect emotionally and physically with. ” he’s looking for “the last relationship”. W H A T E V E R!!
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. (This makes more sense than what his profile says)
Judahbug, HA! Blah blah is accurate! It really bothered me at first….It hurt me badly. Then I remember this is the finest part if their performance…the beginning of sweet fake heaven, completed eventually by a tailspin! Remember with me! 😉
LOL I found out my ex is engaged after a few months of asking me for forgiveness and a chance. AND he’s actively looking for a relationship on match.com. He’s pretending to live in NY but really lives in MA. I guess his tactic is to not get caught by friends in MA and tell his dates “he’s here for the weekend let’s hang out”. Cleverly twisted. I feel really sorry for his next victims but I’m so happy I broke free from that mess. We deserve better.
I am happy you have too. By seeing these things as painful as they are they are also helping you to see the truth, which is the last thing the sociopath will show you.
Hi All….just wanted to add that when I was together with my x spath, I found out he was also on dating sites. When I questioned him on this, his response was, “I’m just curious”. Well, his just curious was another relationship while we were still living together. And this I didn’t actually find out until about a year apart from him.
On a fluke, I found out who she was a FB….it was purely a guess, but I saw photos of the two of them. I sent her a message simply warning her of who he was, then blocked her because I figure she’d think I was some scorned ex-lover. Well,..turns out a few days later I got a call from a friend of hers…they found out where I worked and called me there. They wanted to know more details about the last time I saw him and things that happened between us. And the reason she was so curious is, it turns out he went on a dating site while she was with him, too! After she caught him the first time, he said he would never do it again. She caught him again a few months later and posed as someone else….well, he took the bait. She was devastated, but took him back. And even after my “warning” to her about what he’s like and all the lies, deceit and manipulation, she is still with him.
I did what I could….the rest is up to her! He’s masterful, that’s all I can say…and she obviously bought it all.
carolann
I am missing him physically so much it is cramping my stomach. I wish I could have just booty called and not felt what I felt. Sex with him is the ONLY thing I miss. I can’t believe he will be fucking some 25 year old this weekend. The funny thing is he used to ask me to send him pics all the time….needs so much stimulation lol. It must be working with her though. I am sick with jealousy over her fucking getting to do that with him!! Sick being the operative word! ! Why does it feel like soulmate sex is its so wrong!!!!!! How am I going to get through this!! Excuse my language… we’ve all been to the puppet show and have seen the strings I’m assuming … allow me to vent lol. Oh my god why do the bastards have to be so godlike 😦 😦 no one will ever compare. I know it. I could cry. Just physical longing… hurts much less than the emotional which is absent for some reason.
SLAA (sex, love addicts anonymous) mtgs. helped me with this. I understand what you are struggling with. Sex hormones create the bond. There is also the phenomena of Eurphoric Recall. Read about it.
This is my exact dilemma at the time…he has actually discarded ME this time…it has always been me leaving him the past 4 years together. Our sex was so fucking amazing and no one can come close to comparison. I dont know how to stop wanting him!!! It makes me, like you said, physically ill. The thought of him with another woman is too fucking much for me to handle. I cant stop loving, longing, pining after his worthless ass!! Has it gotten better since you posted this?? Please tell me it has!
I feel the same way about the sex. I was single a few years before meeting him and becoming roadkill, so I am in deep angst with you! There is literally nothing else to miss other than that and the texting/attention every half hour. It’s hard knowing who you love just moves onto the next repeatedly 😦
I was with my sociopathic/narcissist for almost 3 years. I left my husband of 12 years for this man. I worked with him, and we began an affair. After my husband found out, my socio/narc had me move in with him, and settled me into his life after much angst and trying to separate myself from him and go back to my husband. My socio/narc was sooo persuasive and played into my every emotion (I was confused and not thinking right) My husband was angry, and my socio/narc was being the perfect man. After I moved in, things were ideal between us and I separated from my husband and began divorce proceedings. All the time there were nagging doubts..why had is other relationships failed so dismally? Why were they always talked about being crazy or bitches? It seemed he never took any responsibility or blame in these previous relationships. His ex-wife was also a crazy bitch. Once he had me under his thumb he became jealous, and resentful. Our communication became less and less, we would have a fight, and we would both give each other the silent treatment. All I would want was him to tell me it was alright, to show me empathy..to bring me back to him and that heady first love place we had been in. Several times I tried to break free, but he would bring me back by acting pathetic and lonely and depressed. I knew he was not a good man, I could feel it, but because of all my guilt, I could not let him go. I was determined that I was special and I could have a good relationship with this unhealthy man. I was a good match for him…I could change him.
Well, this went on for about another year before I changed jobs (I had been working part-time at the same place he was working) and got a full time job someplace else. The cracks began to widen. He became more distant and jealous, finally asking me to start paying rent (in a house that I really didn’t like..I had given my house to my ex-husband) Finally, I decided to move out. We agreed to not break up, but maybe put our relationship in a different space..I was hoping a healthier place. I should have broken things off at that point. On my 40th birthday, he was angry with me after I went out with friends (after we had celebrated awkwardly) he wouldn’t talk to me very much after I spent time with my friends (and I didn’t realize how much I had distanced myself from family and friends because of him afterwards) A few months went by, we had a miserable trip together, not very much sex. Finally, one day he stopped texting me (he was always texting me, telling me he loved me, etc,..) and I went to talk to him at his workplace at lunch. He said he didn’t know how he felt anymore..I asked him if it was someone else repeatedly and he said NO all the time.
Without making a clear declaration of “breaking up” We just stopped talking for about a week. I went in to see him at his workplace and just say hello and noticed him standing next to the young girl that took my place when I left work a few months earlier. Something just snapped into place. I took note of her car in the parking lot and drove by his house early in the morning the next day. Sure enough, her car was parked in his driveway at 6 am.
So, he had already found his next girl. I am unsure if he cheated on me, but now realize he had been grooming his exit for several months. When I confronted him he said they were just “hanging out”. There is a 26 year age difference between them. I feel very sorry for her. She is now living with him after 7 months, and it was the same exact time frame it took for me to move in with him. She was also married (so young!) when they got together I have learned, and is also a bisexual. I know he has a sex addiction because he is heavily into porn, and needed sex all the time when we were together.
I realize that it’s his pattern, and I was just another part of his pattern. It’s creepily so. I feel sorry for this girl that I had warned (I know we arent’ supposed to do that) but of course, I was warned as well (the girl before me warned me..and he did the same thing to her..) it’s rather astonishing that he can keep getting away with it and women keep falling for it.
He’s not especially good looking and not wealthy, but he is manipulative and charming..kind of like a deaf person making up for one sense in another way.
I am in the stage of acceptance, and it was so so hard for me to realize what I gave up to be with this man. It was like being hooked on heroin for almost 3 years.
It comforts me to know that I am not the only one to go through this pain, but I hate that he can keep doing this women over and over, and no one can stop it.
I can only hope someday his life will fall apart so completely that he will realize that he needs help. I think that time has passed, and that he will die alone and lonely.
I know I can go on, and have a better life, and now I know what to watch out for.
❤
My Ex-Sociopath married last week, he met this woman while he was still living in my home. Why do they marry? If they don’t fee then why do they marry someone? She looks like a nice woman, she has 2 kids, I’m sure she is pregnant they basically got married 3 weeks after they go engaged. He’s an idiot, no self control. He probably doesn’t want to give up another 20% of his income. He’s already giving money to his Ex-Wife and an Ex Girlfriend.
This is helpful and I do find some comfort in it. I can’t say the pangs of heart-wrenching jealousy have left, but there is some comfort in knowing that she is probably doing the same thing to another unknowing victim. I’m sure that once her new lover gets comfortable she’ll announce that no guy can ever make a woman feel better than she can make herself feel sexually (she did this to me at a house warming party with my friends). I’m sure she’ll announce that she is “more like a man than a woman.” I’m sure she’ll find those aspects of him that he is proud of and subtly belittle him for it. She’ll make him feel guilty for buying good food at the store (cuz he worked hard to have a good career and can afford it.) She’ll convince him that she is selfless and needs nothing, but he’ll be forced to be the spender if he wants to ever do anything (and she’ll make him feel like she did him a favor.) She’ll berate him for not coming over as much when her kids around because he finally had enough of their damaged minds trying to damage his while sits back and ignores it. She’ll probably tell him he’s not mentally tough enough or mature enough to handle her kids (which are monsters.) He’ll probably meet the family and over time discover that everyone of her siblings has some level of sociopathic narcissim. She’ll come in the bathroom when he is bathing and “compliment him” on his weakest traits (middleaged gut, shrinkage, ect) to give him the confused feeling that she accepts him for his weakness and somehow finds it attractive. She’ll never give him compliments on his strengths. She reinforce his weaknesses as his “strengths.” She’ll tell him about her past sexual exploits to give the impression that she is “clearing the air” but with a bragging tone in her voice. She may even compliment the guys she had sex with. But it will always be followed up with her telling you how special you are. They will have a great night out and then she will hijack his confidence by becoming recklessly drunk and/or flirtatious with other men. She will hijack the bar or restaurant your in and draw all the attention to her self and make him feel like shit and then accuse him of not being fun. Then she’ll remind him that the only reason she leaves relationships is if they stop being “fun.”
I’ve been making progress since that sociopath and I split. I’ve started going to the gym again and recently landed a spot as the lead singer in a local Funk/R & B band. I am concerned that she will figure out a way to sabotage the latter experience when my band starts playing out in a month. I know she’ll be drawn to adrenaline & excitement of live music. I know she will try to seduce me. But I know that I will repel her like cancer.
Well, I am on here late night, with all my “wounded” buddies all over the world. My how this site has helped to settle my mind. If any of you have read my other blogs on here, you know I have been in a very troubled relationship for 4 1/2 years with a hybrid narciss/sociopath *my definition as he’s got more traits of the former then the latter…
What I like about this subject that I am adding to today is that I am in this process of discard. I have been discarded! Last Monday he insisted on coming by, even though it was not a good night for me, but I relented because I hadn’t seen him in days ( ice storm, work schedules, and laziness on his part). But I am in a sensitive place, and I wanted to know why I had been basically ignored besides all the excuses the last few days.
Turns out he was wanting to let me know that a coworker had been making the moves on him, they had already emotionally connected. Here all the while realise I had let him back into my life for the LAST time ( no, I swear this time!) just a few short weeks before at his pleading. All his “I DO love yous” and “I will change”, what that I meant everything to him he proclaimed! Passionate, wonderful making love sessions. But no more. I didn’t plead for him to stay that night, even though he wanted me to. I didn’t respond to his text that said he loved me and to tell him to stop the affair and he will. I DID NOT reply the next day when he said in his text ” I feel like I am making a mistake”. Do I get a goddam badge or something here?! Positivagirl? LOL- jkg.
Look guys ( and gals), we can all cry in our soup, or you can take it as long as you want – drama. I’ve given up. My mom passed barely 2 months ago, I’ve dealt with the loss of two beloved pets as well. I am dealing with my true losses because so much of what our supposed lovers are doing is bullshit drama to bring us DOWN. I don’t have the strength to be unloved anymore. Or to be taken for granted. That is what I told him the other night, how dare he take ME for granted. Even though it turns out he wasn’t~ he was love bombing this new dude, but still, just the same, I made a circle in the sand with my betterment in mind. He cannot cross that line ever again- I think he knows this because of the way he looked at me with those puppy dog eyes and the glancing caresses to my hand. He told me how much I meant, and that I deserve to be happy! ( Hey what happened to I was everything a few weeks ago?!).The whole crap monologue mentioned on this wonderful blog verbatum! What, when I relented a few weeks ago that gave him the courage to try it out with someone new?! I call bullshit, it just proves he’s a fake, and selfish, and a LOSER.
So here I sit, not even a week into being abandoned. Sure I’ve gotten sentimental briefly, and shed some tears! But mostly I take care of me. I treat me good and I make sure I stay positive. Even if, like today, that was just listening to some real good old music and baking some lemon squares. But I saw the following below last night on another website and wanted to share it, (so I include the probably copyrighted blog at the bottom to give credit where credit is due). This woman, Carolyn Hax, has been an advice columnist for years and she has personally written me like a decade ago to exchange personal salutations and help for a bad break-up back then. She is very gifted with human emotions and reflects this blog’s same subject, and I quote:
” Please examine the idea that one person (out of 7 billion, never lose sight of that number) can have so much power over the very essence of you. Any time you feel so vulnerable to anyone, please ask yourself: “What’s that about?” There will always be jerks, users, abrupt mind-changers, super-duper achievers and whoever else scares you. That’s just fact.
And so each of us, in becoming whole, functioning adults, needs to find a way to come to terms with sharing the planet with people who are well-positioned to hurt us, be it through intent or merely by proximity.
The one I recommend most is the “whatever” approach: “They’re out there, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do.” Treat people as populating one of two categories: those who help you with your purpose in life, or those better tuned out as distractions.
Make sure you’re in the first category yourself. If you think you can do more in life, then take concrete steps toward that. If you feel valuable as you are, then serve as no one’s inferior.
And date accordingly… If it isn’t working between you, then it’s not about your falling short, it’s about not being right for each other — and your filing him under “distraction.” Give only the good ones a place in your soul, and recognize your self-esteem as yours alone, a place to which only you have the key.”
Read CAROLYN HAX every day in the Free Press. Write to her care of the Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 or e-mail tellme@washpost.com.
Isn’t that great thoughts?! Doesn’t it fit with this blog and being in a new (and enviable) position of starting fresh? I wish everyone on here the warmest of holidays and to new wonderful lives in the new year! Try to keep the faith, love is infinite out there, be apart of it and know this! Don’t forget to love yourself, know yourself!
Peace XXX
Hey you!!!
I wanted to send you a HUG!!!
I am so angry (at him) — your mother died two months ago, and he is doing this to you? What a cruel, evil, spiteful, self centred merchant banker. Aragh…… It makes me so angry how somebody could be so cruel to someone who is grieving.
You do not need him. You know this. You don’t need anybody in your life who has so little respect, and is so damn cruel and selfish. I am so sorry to read the pain that you must be going through right now.
Let him go, let him be with her – let her put up with his crap and abuse. As this man is most definitely an abusive person. It makes me sick to my stomach just how low some people can go and how deprived they are.
How are you?
You must be feeling in so much pain 😦 (I am angry as this happened to me after my daughter died and it was so cruel, I couldn’t cope)
Thank you for what you shared. You expressed it so perfectly for me.
Edaldude,
We are all here with you. GREAT post! I like the idea of “filing him under distraction”. It is what it is. The only way I’m making it right now is with the support we give each other here. I am deeply sorry for all you have been through. Please keep writing so we can all continue to support you.
Thank you, I really needed this.
NIBSIH
I am going to really get my head down and put this into a book;. Even I have no idea what posts are here. What ones to use. How are you doing? Are you ok?
Thanks everyone and I wanted to share more of the good tidings with y’all. I am okay- no really, just okay.
My narciss sent a reply email today and I just read it, which was merely an acknowledgement of a long ago sent email and a casual what-are-you-up-to. I guess he thinks of me still, and wants some form of communication. Email is the safest, the easiest way to keep in touch. I’m thinking since there are no daily calls, or texts, he must think this is the only way. I didn’t respond, I feel stupid that I even read anything he would send. I know he will try to get bolder, especially if things don’t work out with his new fling. Maybe this other person has already done a blow off with him, seeing how he can really be didn’t take long in my case! I tried to turn my back and forget him then, only to get sucked back in.
Funny, I was talking to a close friend tonight, who I shared the story with, didn’t know yet. She consoled me to the point of saying that look, we don’t control who we fall in love with, and not to be so hard on myself for this being such a hard love to let go. She even said that maybe I should mentor him, show him the love in me that still exists. But I scoffed! How could I show someone anymore love, patience, forgiveness for all the rotten things he’s said to me in the most intimate of moments?
She recoiled at that, and agreed that perhaps way in the future, if we were to bump heads in this so very small world, that I could show some sort of humanity. I know he would puff himself up- tell me anything to remain superior, smarter, more better then ever. I guess, if that day was to ever come, I won’t care by then. Funny how time removes the need to care like when you are with someone you love.
Y’all I had a good night. I went out to dinner with another close friend who attended with me an important event for an ecology foundation. Met some new folks, ate some good food. But I soon came back to my hollowed walls. I try to remain busy or distracted. But he still creeps in my thoughts more today, right now, then I care to admit. I know tomorrow is a new day, I know that each day it will become easier. I KNOW THIS.
Hey you all, you know a secret? If you get quiet with yourself, and think in your mind how you are talking to the Universe, and ask it:
“Universe, show me something really *insert whatever adjective you want here that you would like to feel), such as mind-blowing, beautiful, unusual, etc…”
Go about with your day and watch something weird happen! I wish everyone a great new week and thanks for all the kindness and thoughts!-
Peace
I’ll email
Positivagirl, good post yesterday about going ahead with Xmas and making it a special day! I have not decorated this year, and have noticed that many in the hood are not. It seems less & less each passing year but so many are hurting now and can’t afford the bling to sparkle the neighborhood nights. I used to always get out there and string my entire roof outline on my modest home. Wreath on door, small handmade tree (given to me by my beloved mom over ten years ago). But honestly, I can’t do it. I do so well for a time and then I stumble back into dispair and anguish! Why am I crying since I got up today? Why can’t I just accept reality and be grateful and concentrate on the positives? This forum helps me to gather my thoughts and forces me to put to epaper. It is therapy to do so.
I read how you have been through such misery, the loss of a child is only the worst loss, ever. I am not a parent, but just losing my two cats (one I had for 18 years almost, the other was my mom’s cat she gave up to me a year ago and was around 13). Both went missing around the time my mom’s health problems began and at the time I just figured cats will be cats and they’d return. But as mom’s health dwindled and we focused on that, you better believe I was in sorrow for the disappearance of my “kids”. I just don’t understand the timing of all this loss. But seeing what others have been through at least shows me others, and especially you positivagirl through this wonderful endeavor you have put your heart and soul into, solutions to crisis. Keeping the mind busy, helping others, sharing time and energy even if it’s with strangers!
I have been also fortunate in the sense that even though I do not want to decorate or go through pictures quite yet, I do want to acknowledge that I am secular and agnostic. But that doesn’t mean that the meaning of this holiday and the subsequent new year, is not a special time of year, it always will be. I became actually, anti-consumerism as a teen in the volatile 70’s. I can remember my mom ( a HUGE Xmas fan- like it sounds like you were!) being dismayed by my lack of enthusiasm for gifts and such. But she instilled in me that magic of decorating, being merry, all the good stuff. My, how I read with visions of your big parties, inviting all your neighbors! What a testiment to your ability to give and celebrate! Reading your accounts made me pine for the old days when yes, things seemed more festive, people weren’t so weary I don’t think. I’m not saying society is so bad now, just different in how we interacted with each other before cell phones, texting, and self-entertainment that is so seemingly all-consuming.
So I wish I could’ve known you and lived back on your street. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful story. Speaks volumes about what kind of person you are. Like my mom in so many ways, or my departed best friend, Penny ( also another avid Xmas fan and party thrower). Seems those days are over, for now. So do I go down again, to my sister’s in Corpus? I had thought to spend it down there, if only the weather is not bad like it was the week of Thnksgvg. Awful cold on the beach, no less. It sort of turns me off to go to all the effort to drive that far if only to be hit in the face with cold, icy winds. I think I will just wait and see what happens and make my reservations later this week if it looks ok. My sis is devastated by the loss of our mom, and I guess it would be good to bond with her & her family. I do feel sort of abandoned, now that I am letting this (final) discard take hold of me.
I’ll be truthful, I opened his email he’d sent the day before and it was a forward (cartoons) that I had sent so long ago I couldn’t find where I had sent it. Doesn’t look familiar but I am so out of it maybe I forgot.
Anyway, his personal message was “Funny, thanks for sending. What are you up to?” HuH? What the hell sort of casual remark is that to say after you have not only dumped them for someone new, but also had been a total prick even in the same time span before that with crap talk, negativity and the usual banter of bitching and moaning?!
I honestly can’t believe that he wanted to still remain in contact after the revelation that he was moving onto another relationship, or better yet, that I would “wait” for him to see what comes of it! This is where the audacity of my former lover always left me speechless. When it is directed at you, shall we say hurt bombing, for so long, you build up this dismissive protective layer that anyone else would say, WTF?! And be done. No drama, no negativity. I would plead with him, GOD, just one day! Can’t we be happy and loving just one day! He’s such a drip, but it is this time my own fault for allowing him back into my life after mom’s departure. My Own Fault. I could be that much more far removed from him and this is what I get for ever entertaining the idea that someone, such as my pscho, would ever really change!
I have a posty note on my computer that reads not to ever let him get me down again. That he will never be anything or anybody that I really need. That he will NEVER change. I wrote these notes and left them on my cyberboard over a year ago. It was this time last year that I had come to the conclusion I was wasting time, and look at me NOW!
So, all you others out there in a similar predicament. Please head my warning when dealing with this class of people. DUMP THEM NOW.
Even if you are having a “quasi-fine” time now, you know the drama will rear it’s ugly head again. Will it be worth the few good times you get now? How prepared will you be if you don’t ever put your foot down and do the discarding yourself? I think I know what a lot of you think out there: “Well, he/she will go psycho on me if I just dump them out of the blue” or “Things are going good right now, I will just go with the flow”. I did these things, I held onto someone that I now need more than I ever could. And they abandoned ME. I just wish I could stop good folks on here that are hurting if they could just realise this. You will be discarded at the most inopportune time, with these sort of pschos, they do not care. They have no empathy, only selfish needs. I am just warning you, take advantage of any strengths you have in life right now i.e. good job, good friends, family. Muster up the courage to end it once and for all before you become even more vested. IT will hurt like hell, but won’t you so much less the sorry person if you get honest with your own gut feelings and just do it!
My soc basically told me this week that he wasn’t finished. He sure did “finish it” though with his actions. I can’t even justify his behavior this time to move past it. I get what you are saying though. I think staying with someone like this would have to end in worse ruin than it is now; how could it not? He’d probably enjoy kicking me when down too.
Jusagurl, I am sure that it was you that was saying about autism? (Perhaps it wasn’t)???? I found this today about aspergers….. I think it describes me very well, some things are not me – but – majority are didn’t know if you would find it useful http://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/#comment-3859
Happy Xmas everyone! I am writing from my sister’s in a beach community in far South Texas. Been here a few days and getting into the cooking and shopping and the specialness this day brings to the world, even if you are agnostic like I’ve become. At anyrate, I wanted to give an update on my nut-love who above I showed a couple weeks ago discarded me! I cried much for the wrong reasons, but I am here to say that the Universe (see my earlier post) granted me a wonderful Christmas gift in the sense that after a traumatic drive down (every damn song would make me cry nearly) and crying awful the first day and a half here. Suddenly I got a text from the rat, saying he “really misses me, that I am loved, and what am I doing for xmas- he doesn’ t
know how far away am, but look, he felt my pain, he responded to my huge gash in my heart by sending me that ( even though I know it’s a trap, and I don’t dare answer him). Sent an email, with same thoughts, later that night, I know it’s not necessary to confirm what is so obvious now. It’s not taking much strength to resist his pleas, but I fear for my mental safety if I was to in any way, resume contact. He knows what he’s done, he knows how awful his actions were and he either feels guilty or he is going to set me up for more grief. I can’t take anymore, and I resist any efforts he makes. He knows the last time I told him it was LAST time I will allow him to “change his ways”. Time up- I move on!@
Merry Xmas Everyone that reads this, I gave the ultimate gift to myself, and I WILL BE FINE!
Peace
Hey fellow psychopath sufferers. Latest update. My text buzz went off on my phone, and it’s from my spathe, and I quote-
“I hope that you had a great time with your family and made it home safely”
Yes, I had texted him how I appreciated his sending his love, or whatever that is, one recent odd, cold, rainy night in a coastal town in Texas. It was Xmas night, after all, and I had been in such a funk since down at my sisters’. Oh well, too late now, I made contact, even if it was under the mistaken belief that it would somehow make me feel a certain way. Now that I’ve been home a couple days, well, I feel better today. I actually joined a dating sight and put myself out there! I picked a picture that seemed the most accurate, and told a little about me. My GOD, it seems as such a long time, since dating my spathe these past 4 3/4th years, that we really have been in such a fog. Why did I fall so hard for someone that treated me so awfully? I wonder now if it was worth it, but, to be honest I think it was. You see, my fellow heartbroken ones, I DID learn something not only about myself, but about life. Through the untimely loss of both my best friend of 40+ years last year, but also my beloved mom all too recently and my old faithful companions; a rugged orange tabby named Poototo and my distempered Siamese, Zanzibar. She was celebrating her almost 18th birthday! Alas, they disappeared, then my mom, and now my spathe. Posgirl, you know somewhat my story I’ve blogged on here many times. It’s so cathartic!
So I tripped up. I did tell my nut what I did. So he texts me the next morning how he feels so great to hear that I acknowledge him acknowledging our love, that I AM loved! Not so bad. Not threatening. Why couldn’t he do this before? How come I feel like he put about as much effort to make up this time as next to nothing? No cards on arrival home, and no, he didn’t drop off a single gift on my porch! He would’ve done this in the past. Or at least shown up with that sly look on his face. Nope, no calls, not anything until this text just now. I know better then to text back. I don’t want to even give him the pleasure of rubbing in my face that he has someone new. Someone that is oblivious to the coming storm of his character. I actually feel sorry for this person. If my spathe has not shown a glimpse of himself by now, then it will soon be coming! I pity that sorry state this person will most certainly endure.
Or maybe he really has already blown it with this new lover? Maybe, like he said, he is not “relationship material” and he has spent the weekend, the last weekend of the ’13, alone. Doing chores, talking to his anti-gay, hateful, bible-thumping relatives. Feeling really stupid for letting such a wonderful human being as myself (not bragging!) get away, and throwing away someone who really did matter. How sad! But, he made his choice. I couldn’t imagine he could do anything at this point to revive my trust. How, in this case, do you discard a person as vulnerable as me, after losing not only my #1 cheerleader in life as mom was, but my 2nd most dearest person only last year? How do you forgive someone who, in their darkest hour, let you go? Part of me still makes excuses for his sorriness. But, even though he lost his mother, NO, because he lost his mother only 12 years ago, GOD, how do you do that to someone you were saying “I love you” to only a few weeks ago? We humans, we are a piece of work, but really, I just am in awe at how low we can go. But poor saps like ourselves get caught up in mindless hurtfullness from mere strangers and become manipulated in their nastiness. I DO FEEL FOR MY EX. I wish I could text him back something clever and hope to get the last word. I do want him to hurt like I have been hurting. I want him to hurl with chunks of emotion like I have endured. It’s so amazing that someone can do something like that and turn around and be, albeit briefly, the love you wanted all along! Am I being too hard on the lass? Would any of you out there give this person the time of day, much less?
@Edaldude
No, hon, because he has proved himself to be fairweather and not solid. My ex-soc likes to text that I am “loved” and “missed”. I can only tell you what I also know about mine: love doesn’t behave like this. Love doesn’t cheat, lie, take from, leave you stranded, and simply fail to understand, sympathize with you, or stand by you in your grief.
Edaldude,
Don t give these fools any of your time . What we see doesn t exist , you may as well talk to your washing machine !
Nick
Love that, NIck ( funny story involved with washers…LOL If you only knew)…
And I wanted to welcome you to this blog- I have been reading all the entries on almost every thread! If you’re new on here, trust me, you’ve come to the right cyber community to let it all out and gain support!
Thanks for the analogy Nick, but see, that’s where the problem lies, I do actually talk to inanimate objects! Oh God help me, I see what you all are writing to from this link many weeks ago and I have commented on many of these threads since then! This one was a doozy, now that I am rereading my own words! God how we forget! This is like a diary- say it and forget it, write it and it’s permanent.
I won’t even tell yall on here what the latest is, sure you can imagine. Ok, I got dumped by new super-date extraordinaire this week after a nice two week ( almost!) affair and not even the next day my spathe calls, I accept his olive branch- and I’ve once again tonight completed the cycle! Ok, so now I sit here in snowy, cold Texas and wait to be discarded. As he left tonight all I could think is how long will it take for him to hurt me? We all know it’s coming- do I rise somehow above it because I know what’s coming? Sad, but the physical pleasure with him I am addicted, esp. after being dumped by such a hopeful prospect so recently. I know I am just buying time encouraging anything between my ex and myself but, with my heart, until something else happens, I am a fool. I know that I will soon be filled with anxiety and a dash of sadness because of the decisions I made this week. I was doing so good, but alas life happened.
Commence with name calling and virtual face slapping of me, I def. deserve any harsh words after tonight. Yall are my pals- I can take it! 🙂
@EDALDUDE…I think it’s ok to feel compassion for people no matter how fucked up they are…that’s what makes us human. Ofcourse, remember Sociopaths like to refer to folks like us as “Empaths” (people that have empathy..or “normals”)…as if to strike down the very light that brought us here and makes us human. Again, feel the compassion. Process it with care. Remember, most Sociopaths (though in the beginning it may be through charm and looks) in the end, keep us “feeling” folks hooked in through sympathy. Relying on the “other’s
Sympathy is the number one angle a sociopath uses to manipulative-us into “caring about their pathetic asses after you have deconstructed and become desensitized to all their seduction and pathetic power plays that nothing more than so much bullshit once you have figured them out. Yes, feel the compassion. Loving the loveless and unlovable is the very special trait that keeps us spiritual beings. But make no mistake….the Sociopath is the living embodiment of “lightlessness” (AKA ..they are void of having a soul) . They will only drain you, frustrate you, and use you for their own selfish desires. They literally, through lack of self-awareness and emotional energy, can’t help it. They have a deficit they can’t control You mean nothing to them other than being a tool for their own false self-worth. I’ve processed my own compassion towards my ex-SOC, and feel that in the end laughing at their absurdness, even politely to their face, is the best way to keep a distance. Again, if you spend one ounce of your own light on these beings, it will be extinguished as quickly and meaninglessly as wet fingers extinguish a candle.
Hang around them too long and they will figure out a way to F*&k you.
@ Broken
Amen to your entire post !!!!!!!
Nick
Broken,
You are to the point and on the no eye…I like it! I personally, need to be reminded of how truly calculating and robotic spaths are. There is no soul in there that honestly welcomes us. If anything, we are like a favorite pair of shoes. Thing is, there are so many sales online for “New shoes”….lol! Makes me utterly sick. I try to imagine being nasty and cheap like they are and I just can’t do it! Glad you sound very good.
*money, no eye is wrong
Bunnyshy, no- I think “no eye” is meaningful here too. It is like their “loving eye”, like a pirate’s patch, is covered up. They use the other eye to look out for themselves. Look everybody, I am on here tonight, and rereading my posts and everyone’s excellent advice/stories. It has happened again. I opened the door this past few days only to be, in record time, reminded of his evilness. I won’t go into details, it even disgusts me at this point, that I continue to let this rat hurt me. And for what? That time healed this wound the past 3 weeks of no contact? Hell no, he still is in kahootz with his new fling, and even though he told me how sorry he was to have done what he did, he went ahead and did it again today! Last night at “Happy New Year” time, he texted me sweet nothings. Today he ignored me until late afternoon and when I texted displeasure, claimed “too much drama”! OMG- Y’all this is too much, I mean, even for this guy. He did call to tell me how tired he was and how “hectic” his holiday was! BS- my feelings, my perspective, were betrayed not 3 days of resuming contact! I guess it really is the new year. I have to ditch this dude once and for all, and at least at this point I was thinking while brushing my teeth: The physicalness of being with him was last year! Final. End of story. I swear you guys, this time I know the only thing to do is run for cover if he does indeed contact me again- but he will. I don’t care who this bozo is, he can have him! GOD help us all, and I wish everyone a safe, peace-filled New Year!
Edaldude,
You are doing fine considering what you have to deal with. I’m glad you are doing well considering everything. I have not physically seen my S in 2 months now. However , I have been participating in his texts, again. We just had a long phone call that eventually went awful. Around 2am, he hung up on me and wouldn’t answer. Another girl prob showed up. Disgusting. He went from sweet, calm and a little charming to accusatory, mean, crazy making, lying, gaslighting etc. if I didn’t experience this, I wouldn’t believe it exists. This is way over my head. I’ve done nothing wrong and he tries so hard to make me feel dirty and evil. I am like the most trustworthy person, so I guess he hates me for that.
I’m not “shattered”, but my mind cannot register how he can be extreme opposites in one phone call or a few texts. I just changed my phone number and he lives an hour away. I feel…FREE. I don’t keep looking at my phone to see if there is a text. You and I, all of us, we need to make this our best year yet. I’m am THANKFUL that we are here for each other! 🙂
We go to the same church. He is going to convince everyone I am a bad person – I know it. And I am scared. He has ammo – and can twist things so easily – and everyone loves him. He will subtly tell lies about me – like he does his ex’s. I have to get out and I love him – and I don’t want to – and I am an educated woman. I have a health condition though – and I think that he will say he tried so hard with me but I was just not emotionally stable – etc. It scares me the way he talks about his ex. How do you know for sure they are a Sociopath and how do you get out?
Hi Lilly. You know the truth and I cannot say that you are wrong. What I can say is do not display emotion (or try not to) esp fear. If he sees he is controlling you through fear, he will continue if only to display his own superiority. Sometimes its better to walk away for your own peace of mind. You know things he will say. Just remember this ‘ for those who believe in you, will need no evidence of who you are, those who don’t no evidence will ever be enough’ sadly you do have to stay on guard be careful who you confide in and be mindful that to him it’s just a game to win, keep control. So If you have to have contact see it as a business transaction. (He does) read the post how to get your feelings out without breaking no contact.
It’s all so easy to say. So hard to do. I know it in my head, but I can’t believe it in my heart.
One thing I find interesting about this victimization is the recurring ups and downs. Just when you think you’ve processed and are through with some piece of your emotions, they revisit!
I’m struggling today with anger with some kind of righteous indignation. At first, I blamed myself a great deal for stupidly believing a married man telling me he wasn’t married, then that he was but that it was over and he was working out moving on, with me. This wasn’t as simple as it even sounds. I’d told him the right thing to do was to go treat the person he is with right. He talked me through and out of that, in classic, sociopathic style.
Anyway, I’m angry at him still cheating with his ex-wife (she undoubtedly knows about his current wife, whereas I was never sure what was going on there till the end), them getting away with it, and above all, involving me in their mess! Why did he have to have anything to do with me and my child at all? Greedy *&^%.
And, I feel like I’ve tried very hard to be gracious about his “illness”. I mean, I understand he can’t help what he does and doesn’t have within him. But, unreasonable or not, I’m angry about the complete absence of apology for all this. I’m angry that, not only doesn’t he feel remorseful, he feels justified!
I want to scream at him, say mean, hurtful things I’ll regret. But I know that won’t help and, I even hate about myself thinking about it…and about revenge, causing him harm. I hate most that I don’t understand my feelings. Intellectually, I know this is ridiculous and pointless. I know he doesn’t even have the capacity to feel just this range of emotions I express here.
And I don’t know why I’m feeling this way now, after I already let go and intellectually accepted the situation. What is this work up for? Another shot at injecting evil into me from the dark side? Feeling annoyed.
Dang Jusagirl, feeling it. I know what you mean about todays oddness. My realization that what I’ve done, supposedly on my own terms, was a fruitless effort to maintain somehow something from my past, that gave me pleasure, but it always ends in pain. Mine hasn’t contacted me since a brief text on friday. Then I remember, that’s the way I want it. I want him gone- out of my life. And yet, here I sit seeking to under-stand his hateful ways. I was thinking how miserable I was, maybe he was too? I dunno, I guess it doesn’t matter once they’ve discarded you. I think how even if he’s to call I won’t know what to say. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions scream “not important”. The other night he actually said the other person was jealous of me! At the time it made me feel good- like somehow I was in control. Now I know it was the opposite. Now I am possessed with anger, and jealousy. I even told him how gorgeous this person was (he had shown me a pic/video). GOD- who was saying they didn’t want a relationship, and now they’re blowing me off so as to not mess up their new RELATIONSHIP!
Ironic how life can turn around and bite you in the arse! GOD
I know for a fact that his new target is really jealous of me. I get the reverberations of their drama as she is jealous of the “friendship” we still have . . . or something . . . we’re not friends . . . I don’t know. And I feel the same as you, edaldude, when it makes you feel good. This poor girl has no idea how she is being used, yet I somehow feel good that I cause her a little pain in addition to all that is in store for her. I wish I didn’t feel that way, it is so cruel. But I do. I don’t have the energy to try to curb that meanness in me right now. I’m just trying to get through the day without smashing something!
I felt COMPLETE RELIEF when I heard my ex had moved on to someone new. That is what a terror he was. I was scared for my children and my lives. I don’t think I will ever feel closure from that demon, and it sends me into an anxiety attack just to know he is still roaming the arth.
I never realized until my s left me how cruel and common these types of people are. For 2 years I lived my life in shame and guilt because of the emotional abuse he put me through. Nothing was EVER good enough for him, no matter how many hoops I jumped through.
He seemed so sweet at first. There were definitely red flags but I ignored them because I was so infatuated with the attention. We moved quickly, became inseparable. Then the jealousy started happening. He would get angry and moody if I went out for drinks with girlfriends. I started isolating myself from them to stop fights. I tried to be everything he wanted me to be. But I was always just a “stupid b*tch.” An “alcoholic” although I would only drink with friends maybe once or twice a month (I am 22).
I replay it in my head everyday, the scary mood swings and sudden outbursts of rage, the constant fighting where I was NEVER right. The sinking feeling that maybe I am the failure, maybe I should change. Maybe if I changed he wouldn’t treat me this way? He will never change.
He left me on Christmas day. The scary thing about my s is that he never had the remorse period where he felt sorry. Maybe a couple times, but for the most part he was cold and empty. Could never apologize to me, and even if I asked he would start at me blankly like I didn’t even say a word. But he left. He tried messaging me the next day saying he felt messed up and he wanted to run away. I ignored it. The next day I became weak after a night out with friends and I tried to see him. Never have I seen someone so cold and cruel. It’s almost been a month since we have had no contact. I have found out he has moved on to his next victim. What a slap in the face.
Do spathes often try and get back into contact with their previous “lovers” after a while? I know I shouldn’t want that, but secretly I do. I’d love to spit it back in his face. Get that satisfaction. I have a feeling I won’t though and it saddens me deeply. What are some methods for getting past this?
Sometimes (often) they get back in touch, sometimes they don’t. It depends where their life is at. They don’t like being alone. Like parasites they usually have to have someone to live off. So, if they have nobody they might get back in contact to see if they can use you some more. It really depends on who they are, and what they want. If they think there is a shot…
So awful. I feel so lost, and I know I shouldn’t be this upset because I know he treated me badly, and everyone else saw it too. Someone just informed me that he just uploaded a Facebook picture of him and a new girl. It just crushes me. It’s only been one month, and I can’t believe someone can move on that fast after such a long relationship. It breaks my heart. I shouldn’t want him to get in contact but I do. I want to know he’s thinking of me I guess. I’m trying SO hard not to feel jealous right now, because I know deep down inside he will never change, and he will always be like this. But knowing that I’m nothing now just kills.
Hey Alexandra. First of all you are not nothing. This is why he was attracted to you. The reason he has moved onto someone else is because he is a parasite. Some are emotional parasites some financial some every type of parasite. The reason he can move on so fast is because he lacks depth of emotions. Is unable to be alone and has no guilt remorse or shame. You should block his Facebook all social networking read the post how to establish no contact and also what to do when you feel like breaking no contact. He would know you are still on his friends list as sick as it sounds he puts it there to get an emotional reaction from you (he has no real ones). Don’t think she has some prize either. He is no prize you want a knight in shining armour not a fool on a donkey wearing a tinfoil hat (shrek). Time is a good healer. But you have to do no contact to give yourself the time to heal. Seeing his things will only bring you pain. Remove him as a friend and block him. I promise you can heal from this!!
Also read the post the five stages of grief and the healing process.
I will. Thank you SO much for your words. It sucks because he blocked me, but another person who was able to see him told me. I know he must be doing this to torture me though, because he tried to get to me through a friend of mine with something else before, telling her how happy he is now and all of this. It’s just not normal. I can’t wait to get over this, and I really do appreciate having a place to go right now. I will continue no contact with him, because I know in my heart I deserve better. I just need to remember that he will never change, not for anybody. He will always be this empty shell. And you are right, he can’t be alone. He’s stated this before. It’s pretty pathetic actually. Just sucks that when it’s all said and done you KNOW that he treated you awful, but it’s so hard to let go.
It would help you to ask your friends to not tell you. As much as they might think they are helping you to accept reality. You are so so right you DO deserve so much better than him!!
I never realized until my s left me how cruel and common these types of people are. For 2 years I lived my life in shame and guilt because of the emotional abuse he put me through. Nothing was EVER good enough for him, no matter how many hoops I jumped through.
He seemed so sweet at first. There were definitely red flags but I ignored them because I was so infatuated with the attention. We moved quickly, became inseparable. Then the jealousy started happening. He would get angry and moody if I went out for drinks with girlfriends. I started isolating myself from them to stop fights. I tried to be everything he wanted me to be. But I was always just a “stupid b*tch.” An “alcoholic” although I would only drink with friends maybe once or twice a month (I am 22).
I replay it in my head everyday, the scary mood swings and sudden outbursts of rage, the constant fighting where I was NEVER right. The sinking feeling that maybe I am the failure, maybe I should change. Maybe if I changed he wouldn’t treat me this way? He will never change.
He left me on Christmas day. The scary thing about my s is that he never had the remorse period where he felt sorry. Maybe a couple times, but for the most part he was cold and empty. Could never apologize to me, and even if I asked he would start at me blankly like I didn’t even say a word. But he left. He tried messaging me the next day saying he felt messed up and he wanted to run away. I ignored it. The next day I became weak after a night out with friends and I tried to see him. Never have I seen someone so cold and cruel. It’s almost been a month since we have had no contact. I have found out he has moved on to his next victim. What a slap in the face.
Do spathes often try and get back into contact with their previous “lovers” after a while? I know I shouldn’t want that, but secretly I do. I’d love to spit it back in his face. Get that satisfaction. I have a feeling I won’t though and it saddens me deeply. What are some methods for getting past this?
My SP will have his new source here in our town in less than a week. While with me, he started talking to her on the side. I busted him and of course, he flipped it. He is flying her into town as she lives 6 hours away. He was going to try to have us both.I ended it but I am sick inside that she will be here for five days staying with him. I know he is looking to sleep with her and it makes me sick. I know he is NO prize and she is gaining nothing. How can I get through that time? I hate the thoughts that go through my mind and that it bothers me.
Yes you know he is NO PRIZE Denise!! What is it that she is getting? Do you think that he will treat her any differently? It is likely that he will treat her worse.
I know how much it hurts when you love someone and they are going to be with someone else, when you feel discarded like yesterdays trash, when likely the week before he was telling you that you were the love of his life…
Try to see reality. Write lists. Write all the bad things he did to you, write a list of how he made you feel. Write a list of how you are so much better off without him. Then write another list of goals for you…. and work towards setting goals for you. It wont take away the heartache but it will help you to bring back the focus to you, and away from him.
Thank you. You are right. He was over my house trying to sleep with me TWO days before he purchased her ticket. Had I not busted him, I would still be intimately involved with him while he is trying to con the next. This is so low and it makes me sick. He and I have been off/on for five years. He has always begged for me to come back. I feel like a fool for taking the bait for him to try to play me. I hate that I clearly see he is a loser and not worth having but it bothers me he is spending time with her. I guess for me as a normal person, this kind of time is special and sacred. But to the SP, it’s the game and seduction to play her, right.?
Hi Denise life IS a game to sociopaths. They are opportunists and will do as much as they can get away with. 😦
I just learned another lie today bout my SP. A girl he claimed he never slept with, he did. He would argue with me over this and try to make me out to be this crazy, paranoid woman. He swore up and down he NEVER slept with this woman. And this is a totally different woman than the one he is flying in within the next few days. I am learning so much about the relationship I thought I had. The LIES are unbelievable and so many that I honestly do not know what was real and what was a facade. It seems like my whole relationship was one big fake. I don’t know how many other woman he could have slept with over our 5 years and I am just disgusted. Intimacy means absolutely nothing to them. It’s clearly just an ACT. So I know all this but it seems like it doens’t take away ALL of the concern I have about this new chick coming this weekend. Is that odd? or am I crazy??!!!
All of us are crazy- but don’t beat yourself up with it. Your psycho sounds like my situation. He just drove down 300 miles to be with his, yet back when we were an item, balked at driving across town to see me! If it wasn’t so fecked up it would be funny. But it’s not funny, and I don’t laugh. I am with you, caught in the dillusion that was him. I was with mine the same time frame, too. What about sexually transmitted disease? We had unprotected sex because I THOUGHT we had at least fidelity in ours,, now what? He still swears this is his first encounter, but once a cheat, always a cheat. Today saw an article talking about how many folks cheat- unbelievable that intimacy makes little difference to so many. Scary- and sad at the same time. But! We don’t have to lower ourselves to this level- if being monogamous is your principle, better to be you. I have read other studies showing it isn’t even in our DNA to be that way, so it seems we are in the minority. Damn, stinking monkeys- Charleton Heston in “Planet of the Apes”….
Positvagirl,
I am hurting so badly. The tears will not stop and I feel sick inside. His other chick will be in town today for five days and nights and it is killing me. I kow there is nothing to be jealous of and I actually kicked him to the curb. But it just feels like he doesn’t care at all about me even though he chased me down for so long. It hurts that he is spending this time with someone else. I know he has lied to her about me and probably a bunch of other stuff and that he is not treating her any better. I know he is in the seduction stage and getting ready for the kill. I cannot stop thinking about how he will sleep with her in the same bed we shared. And do some of the same things with her we shared. It just makes our bond and time together so worthless. I just want to get the thoughts out of my head. I know I broke it off with him but I am so used to him still trying to contact me. I know I shouldn’t want it but for some crazy reason it makes me think he still cares when I realize he never did. This pain is smothering me. It’s like my mind and thoughts are at war with each other. One part of my mind knows he is a USER, LIAR, MANIPULATOR, CHEATER, etc and he treated me like crap. But the other part of me feels that he is going to be with another woman this weekend, sharing something special when I know this isn’t the case. I know he is lieing to her and using her just as he sadly did me. I just thought after us being together for so long, he’d have the smallest amount of respect to not do this to me. I just want to get through this so badly and get over this heartache inside.
I know. How you feel is how many of us have felt too. I just want you to know I have felt this way too. I think (?) Coping with pain of silent discard might cover this. I went through this too. Sending you a hug as I know how heartbreaking it is and how worthless it can leave you feeling.
Hey Denise! Hang in there, I am with you! I just saw this on my emails and I was having a crushing time last night- tears and that war you speak of between heart/mind. It SUCKS. And guess what? I still play kitty with him as he came over the other night, texts/calls me since and I was crying when he left as well. He says that this other affair is not worth the heartache, as the distance won’t make it work so why am I getting all worked up. So why do I care? I don’t want him back anyway- he continually reminds me of WHY WE WON’T WORK. I am trying to tell my heart that this is just temporary, until I find someone else or my spathe naturally quits contact on his own. I even told him, when HE OFFERS TO QUIT CONTACT that it’s fruitless! He knows he will call or come by again after two weeks max. He’s done it EVERY TIME so why bother to act like anything’s different now! I told him I am weak, and he knows this and uses “love” as a weapon ( sing it Pat Benatar!). He just grinned and changed the subject, like he always does. Denise I swear, I can’t change the way I feel, as you do, with what’s happened between us, esp. being alone and little support from friends ( who wants to support an addict that won’t quit?). We still want them to care BECAUSE WE CARE. It’s so hard to just unplug that emotion.
You know we quibble about stupid stuff right after the love making as well?! You know I got upset with him the other night because he raced through supper to get back home afterwards ( a dinner he conned, once again, me into buying)? Now why is that? Why would I even want him to think that it’s important? We both know we don’t want these selfish slobs in our midst, yet we pine for them as if all this is new. It’s not new, I’ve known for years how he is- sickens me. I don’t dare tell anyone about my goings on with him, except for a couple distant friends, because nobody understands. I want to know more about this affair, I keep asking more details, and guess what? Yep, it hurts, because he says that this new love treats him nice, they never argue, blah blah. I says ” look, you two don’t even hang out together in same city regularly. Phone calls/texts don’t count.” And you know they’re lying about the details, he wouldn’t dare tell me if this other lover was put off with his mouth yet! So much of what I endured with him nobody would have put up with. It’s upsetting because so many of us on here lowered ourselves to their level and now we feel like we should reap some sort of benefit after all the work we put into it! I don’t know, I just know that there is nothing he could say or do to erase all the pain he’s caused me. My mind knows this, my heart still lags behind.
You know what he said the other day on leaving? That he KNOWS he’s an asshole, selfish, prick. He’s said this a dozen times before. He says the most outlandish hurtful crap even up to last night! Why would I or anyone else want that? I don’t, I swear. God help us all, I am in the same boat as you- knowing I am a shared partner and blowing his ego up that he can do this to me ( the other person he tells me is jealous of ME!). What the hell is wrong with me? Is this a process, am I on one of the levels to getting over once and for all? Am I kidding myself that I can be a friend w/benefit in the short run to finally make a run for it and wash this man right out of my hair?! I sure feel all the anxiety, pain, and frustration as if it was all new. Why am I so scared to let go of something that hurts me. Ridiculous….This human condition
Hey everyone, it’s S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night and I wanted to blog about my dream this morning! In this dream, I was with a really cool person, with looks and charm. In the dream I knew they were mine, and it’s like there was this whole episode of us doing doing stuff with each other and it was feeling good! I awoke feeling like I had had a REAL experience with someone who respected, even cherished me! Pretty fantastic that your mind can project fantasies so realistic, even if it is for a fleeting few minutes!
Okay, I was on here late last night ( once again) rereading my threads as well as everyone else’s. It’s amazing the detail one forgets in the meantime only to be reminded. Verbalizing what has happened only recently with a friend today on the phone only so reminds me how stupid I am being. What in the hell am I doing? My friend was saying how trying to balance this friends w/benefit, all the while putting up with his crass comments and shitty laughing at ultimately ME is so disrespectful. They were shocked at the latest round of brutal mind games he’s played. In relating the details I at once became aware of how stupid it all sounds, and how low I’ve allowed this all to go. He doesn’t have any remorse- in fact he’s quite pleased with himself at this point. Who wouldn’t be? A person that you shit on for all this while, pretty much allowing you to get your way and make you look like a fool. This person still giving you physical pleasure. And now he has another- waiting for his latest text or call- waiting for the next trip that is bought and paid for by them. He said if I had done this with him he would still be mine! LOL- say what?! As if I hadn’t wined and dined him all this years. Made him home made desserts, cleaned up the mess. Ughhh- like said so many times on here, with these smucks, nothing is ever good enough. Never will be.
So now I have to hunker down and defend myself. No Contact. I must.
I can see me saying for him to go “feck himself” in a text maybe one last time. I for the life of me can’t believe it has to end on this note. But it will, because he will realise I am done with this arrangement. Now he will be forced to sleep in the bed he’s made for himself. So sorry I delayed it for this long. But I am not sorry for what I’ve come to realise about myself, tattered self-esteem being what it is! I am a good person, I am remarkable. I will not accept any more abuse in the name of love or trying to make someone else better. Everyone bear with me, it’s gonna be a bumpy night ( Bette Davis, “All About Eve”) LOL
Hi ED,
Am sorry for your pain, but glad you are coming to stronger realizations, and growing stronger in defending/protecting yourself, ultimately. I had a dream this weekend too that was a vivid indicator of how things stand for me. I was looking up the symbols yesterday and was surprised by their meanings. Here’s the dream, in a nutshell…
I was in my current home, in my bedroom. There is a baby gate up to keep the dog from running the house in the night. We usually just step over it to go in and out of my room. I often recall my sociopath coming through that doorway (when no gate was in place), so this next part is obviously symbolic of his presence… a man stood outside the gate, I was hoping maybe it was high enough to keep him out, but I envisioned him stepping over it because I knew it was possible. Instead, he just pulled it down, disrespectfully, obviously disregarding a boundary without my permission.
A group of men (about 3) followed him into my room (I’m not sure I understand the significance of this number? But I do believe I’ve had other sociopathic relationships.) They all stood around. I didn’t know exactly what they were there for, but it was definitely an intrusion, even though they weren’t openly instigating. I had a huge stack of hymnals (yes, that’s right, song books – lol) sitting in a corner (I really only have 2 of these on top of my piano). I began picking them up, one at a time, flinging them at the men. At first, I was afraid to hurt them, but eventually, I got comfortable in my strength and assertiveness and I flung the thick books at them hard until they left.
When I translated the symbols, it was interesting. The books represent learning and advancement. The specific type of book represents something I am supposed to return to (I was a musician/singer-songwriter for 10 years). The dream analysis said to take note of how the men were dressed to know in what area of my life I needed to show more strength and assertiveness. The men were dressed casually, so I knew this represented my personal life.
Amazing what the subconscious pulls out. I appreciated the lessons.
Jusa, loved reading about your dreams and you are so aware. I loved the visualization of your experience. Spooky isn’t it? But in a curious way, think that is why I am so fascinated by ghosts and hauntings- they are dream like- maybe other’s dreams projected on this plane?
My dear best friend that left for that other plane over a year ago had your in depth connection of all things weird too! She was quite studied on not only dream interps. ( I have the book too), but also numerology and palm reading! This so reminds me of how we used to talk endlessly about stuff like this! She was also a great musician like you!
I was always amazed that she could compose elaborate songs on garageband on Mac. I tried to post one of her dittys but it errored out.
She even did the videos with the music to match- great talent!
Thanks for that! I needed that to remind me how wonderful this Universe is- and how lucky all of us are to ponder what anything means! My lucky stars, indeed, to know all of You in this fine blog~
Peace and Sunshine!
Edaldude
I am leaving this late night because, well, I seem to be the only one reading my own damn entries! LOL- no, I know, all of you are sick of my rants and dealing with yours. But I have had a revelation since this weekend! A long lost love interest suddenly popped up from out of nowheres and now we have been chatting and catching up once again! My spath has made no effort to call or text ( could it be he can pick up, once and for all, to leave me the FECK alone!). After talking the weekend with friends, I finally saw the answer to my above pondering. NO
No to the Past
No to More Anxiety and Tears
No to More of my Spath and his evilness and ill-regard for ME
Honestly, I will remain NO CONTACT this time. I finally, after the other night, realized I am at the summit of this 5 year long disaster! I look down on the tattered remains of my old self, my old ways, my old everything. It’s all there for everyone to see. I leave it behind me now.
My ex will never be given the pass to come into my world again. He broke a cherished trust. He broke my heart. You can find it down there in that valley behind me. I have a new one in my chest now- I will protect it with my life!
Here’s to the future- here’s to ALL of our futures!
Without those monsters, the possibilities are endless! Thanks Universe for the steady reminders of wonderment!
PEACE YALL
This was helpful. After a 5 yr relationship of abuse with a narcissist, verbal, mental and physical, he moved on very quickly once said no more. Now he’s planning to live with her in less than a year. He’s moving quickly with her like he did me and I know for a fact he’s cheating on her; just like he did me. I tried to inform her and she thinks I’m the messed up one… well I am from being with his abusive bull for so long. He pretended so well in the beginning, then turned into some monster and I nearly lost my mind. I’ve felt jealous that he’s moved on, appears to be living the wonderful, happy life we talked about wanting and I”m still single. Still single by choice however. I want to heal and not take his baggage into my future; and just focus on my well being until I feel ready again. It appears that he’s doing for her all the things I wanted him to do for me, but after reading this I realize he’s just playing his cycle out with someone else….and I’m FREE of his abuse!
You know he will do the same to her… as he did to you Patricia. They can’t help but repeat their cycle. It’s all that they know.
I wish I knew how to catch mine. He is always available, but hides his cell phone like its a national security issue. Everyone here seems to have concrete evidence. I think he is a cerebral narc (not into sex like the other type, seems asexual) idk
Yes funny how they hide their phone but are always interested in what is going on with yours and as they usually have something to hide they suspect you do too!!
Positivagirl,
Oh yes! It’s really bizarre though. He takes pride in NOT asking to see my phone. What a weird creature. Cannot figure him out. My gut feels like he’s hiding men. He never looks at women. I am the most stumped I’ve been in my entire lifetime…lol!
I hope you’re doing well still, getting your artwork out and really embracing life. You deserve the very best life possible…xo
Well turns out this Monday, 3-10 was a monumental day and test for me. After no-contact of nearly 2 & a half weeks and even ignoring an email he sent, my spathe sent a text! I was thinking the buzz that alerted me I had a text was from my new friend- but NO! There it was, a message of his usual playing dumb, asking dumb questions. I pulled over, since I was driving and looking for an address, that I typed in very carefully that “why don’t you feck OFF!”
Few minutes later he replies, again passive aggressive “do you not want me to contact you anymore?” ( he always would say this when we fought and I was pleading for him to acknowledge his part)!
No, I typed back- “You’ve hurt me for the last time, and you laughed the whole while ” “Go F&CK URSELF”~!
WOW- cathartic, riveting, excitement! I was in the middle of a hardware store and felt at once this rush of independence from his hateful memory, to sanity and clarity after all these months of making excuses for not letting go. The cashier, hell the patrons, all could tell I was exuding this positive vibe! And it was in that moment that my new British friend sent a kind message!! After all the negative drivel my ex laid on me all these years, trust me, it is nice to hear only wonderful tidings these days!
So apparently I caught psycho off guard- he texted back asking if this message was from ‘one of my friends or sister’? I just hit the button ( avail. on most smartphones in the free apps) to block his calls and texts for now on! WOW- you know how scared the idea of doing that made me only a few short weeks ago? But it’s true, now that I’ve gotten out in the world, licked my wounds, thought, cried, bickered in the wee hours- I don’t need him or the likes of anyone that could treat me as bad as I let him get away with! I pity his sorry ass- the poor smuck has no idea what a drag he really is~ so caught up in his own petty ego and inner war of self-hatred and envy. I hope I taught him a little, and yeah, I think in some ways ( judging from what he’s told me), I DID measure up as a sweet guy that tried to show him some love. Pure and simple. He denied it to the bitter end, but I honestly do think he knows he lost a great person. It’s like they only feel good when they create their own outcomes through no accountability or owning their own part in it. So of course it implodes and then they bitch because of!
All Us on HERE- we’re all a testament to the wonderful love energy that abounds and why we’re vulnerable. The spaths that came to us were attracted to that quality, perhaps even in awe. I don’t like to think they set out to destroy us, they just can’t seem to help but mess it up.
I know mine tried a few times to make it work, but I can’t wait around and be hurt by his thoughtlessness and anymore, I ain’t interested. Life is too short, there are too many new adventures to live. I am worth more then what has been. We all are.
Here’s to moving on! Hello Future! I love it!
Peace & Love
E
Morning update: I had an email titled “Sorry…” from my spath, so- feeling empowered and brazen, I read it. Turns out he said he hadn’t abandoned me, that “he just was giving me space and that I was always crying when around so he just wanted to wait and tell him when it was good to get together”, “and that he loves me, and misses me; all the fun things we did together”, etc. etc. The same thing he has always said after I go NC. And the sad thing is, up to very recently, I fell for it EVERY time. I don’t know if it’s because I had been hit over the head so many times, or that I’ve got this new love interest to distract me, but either way- I have no desire to deal with this wretched soul again. I filed them in his special folder: Unbelievably Shitty”…
Positiva! I am Edaldude on here, but since I joined wordpress recently, it changed my name to my old email title? GOD, I guess I need to go to settings, but either way, just wanted to say hi out there to you and Phoenix, Jusagirl, et al! I hope we all stay on the look out for each other because I don’t think I’ve noticed many new postings from or maybe I am not following correctly. I need to go and look at the different threads to see. This is new territory for me now: actually following through with NC! I am only a little concerned that I read his emails and did what I did with texts, as you let the “tentacles of debauchery” infest you! I think it’s important to acknowledge though.
Ah how is the new romance going edaldude, and how are you doing?
I am sorry I was away for a bit. I was taking a bit of a holiday for me. Not literally, but in a finding myself kind of way. I needed it. Will be back to posting now am just trying not to repeat myself 🙂 Good to hear that you are doing well.
And aragh… the nerve of him, he was giving YOU space and time. What a jerk.
Hi…My name is Anthony.
I spent 18 year relationship with the ‘Sociopath of my dreams’ & ultimately my nightmares…Yes, 18 years! (not married, no children)
You can imagine that my story is long. Without getting into it, I became aware of the term ‘sociopath’ 2 years ago after speaking with a friend regarding my puzzling relationship.
I began reading ‘some of’ the information & like most victims, I was sucked back in repeatedly & met with empty promises.
Well, 3 months ago I entered the ‘NO CONTACT’ portion of ‘moving on with my life’…
However, After the first month (to the date) I received an email from her & I opened it & read it….
Though I did ‘NOT’ respond (& will not respond)
I have attached the letter below as it is eery reading your post & comparing it to my letter:
(I have since blocked ‘ALL’ access to me)
(Letter Below)
Hi Anthony,
Everyday I think about you, thoughts of you are housed in me everyday. I told myself that I would give it a month before my attempt to reach out to you again; considering that you may need space away from me. This sudden space that you have chosen to take away from me; be it permanent or other, I don’t know. What I do know is that it hurts everyday missing you like this. The thought of me never seeing or hearing from you again, really hurts… my heart beats an unseamed rhythm; some days more than others, like today, this evening. The cause to make you want to lose contact with me; something I did, said or something you maybe going through… my hope is that we can talk about it, even though you are sporting the obvious; that you don’t feel the same way. I love you Anthony and in miss you dearly, I do hope to hear from you again.
However, if this is your goodbye to me I would like to face it by saying, thank you… Thank you Anthony for sharing a beautiful life with me, as my eyes well up with tears right now writing this, I want you to know that you have been a great friend, lover, disciplinarian and leader in my life; all with so much passion, dedication, loyalty, faith and love… valuable qualities that I will always remember and hold close to me. I think you are a great man Anthony, the greatest man that I know and I’m thankful with much appreciation for the allowance given to accompany your life over so many years and I thank God that he put you in my path to accompany mine. You are and will always be a world of greatness to me… ‘thank you for loving me.’
I hope that you are doing well, everyday Anthony… taking care or yourself, waking up in the light of God’s glory. In my spirit, my communion; I know that you are…
My best thing yet, always…
I love you,
Casey
Oooh you see how they use flowery language Anthony?? Eeek yes it can be incredibly creepy ….
@ Andrea,
Do you imagine him doing the same exact things and more with other women? Because I’m sure he is. I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s rather distasteful to imagine him lying to me and about me, and doing the same things with other women. When you realize it ain’t so special, it really just frames him as a man-ho who’s good at one thing for good reason… it’s all he does and all he’s capable of doing. Ask yourself why a more complete man wouldn’t be a better option. You can teach a good man how to touch and please you. I’m convinced those who think they will never have good sex again are really more attracted to danger and maybe the evil in themselves than they know.
Sorry if that seems like a harsh perspective, but I’ve already worked this one through in myself so I actually know what you are talking about. But imagine this… you (like my soc’s EX wife, can be telling yourself 19 YEARS later, that you’ve “moved on” while you’re still running back to this man for “great sex”). Do you think it’s “great” to him too? If he is wiling and capable of doing it with multitudes of others? No, it’s a means to an end for him and you’re the one being mentally controlled… years later, without the fulfilling, whole relationship that is actually possible with someone.
I’ve noticed one of the best advantages for the sociopath is our short memory. Distance gives them another chance because a healthy mind doesn’t want to hold onto the negative, but wants to bury it. The reality is a repeat that only you believe is on your own terms. In layman’s terms, we would call that “being stuck”. Worth the trade? Think about it.
@jusagurl
Thank you so much for the honest response. I needed to hear the harsh reality of this sick situation. It in NOT at all worth it. I’m not special, I’m just another “crazy” ex to him. I can’t sacrifice anymore for this little boy, he will never be a man. I need to do some serious introspection, I’ve actually been in counseling for a month or so now Bc of all this. I don’t want to end up wasting 20 years of my life for this leach….Already wasted 4.
They do create a dependency. I think mostly because we assume what’s going on in their heads must be similar to what goes on in ours. I learned after the fact that he really didn’t register at all the big lies he told me were a big deal. I think if we understood better what things mean to them (or that people, to them, are similar to things), it would be easier to be repulsed.
Great points Jusa! As usual!!! And Andrea, don’t worry, you’ll get past the pain and you will make progress and you won’t think much of your lil’ boy man because you will have filled the hole. Like the more you do each day, the less and less they’re there interfering with your thoughts.
Why NC is the Holy Grail that Positiva et al say it is- the longer you go without contact, the more your brain rewires!
I too, wasted nearly 5 years, but I broke up with him dozens of times, him running back so ready to do what it would take to make it work! Baloney! They just play the game because they know they’ll get the good sex, maybe a cooked meal, and the companionship for their ever present need to have their little hands held! God! Pathetic dweebs they are- and don’t forget it! LOL
HAPPY LAST DAY OF MARCH! The world is awakening with FLOWER POWER! WHOOOO HOOOOO!
@Pos & PR,
Its confirmed. She’s on multiple date-hookup sites. I know that it is a gift to be rid of her, but it still hurts in the deepest most bazar way.
Are you looking for her on these dating sites Broken? 🙂