Sometimes you meet someone, and the red flag is there, shouting yelling at us. RED FLAG, it is there waving on a pole, blowing in the wind. DO NOT DATE THIS MAN
Often it is just our gut feeling, the initial gut feeling. That something is not right. But we cannot place what it is about them.
Usually they are:
Funny, witty, charming, great company, often quite sexy, or they will have that edge about them which gives sex appeal (its too much testosterone), they have NO nerves, and seem very confident.
Aside from that, they LOOK very normal they DRESS very normal.
So, how are you going to know? When you meet a sociopath (i mean a proper sociopath, not one who thinks he is dexter) they are almost always, in your face and over confident. They can be polite and well mannered. After all they are charming. They ‘appear’ to be thinking about your needs. But…. if you look closely enough when he is peering at you, there is a lot going on behind the eyes. You can see him registering you, it can feel like he is ‘sizing you up for lunch’ ….
He probably is.
They are witty, they are usually intelligent too. This of course makes sense. They do not rely on their emotions like others do, instead almost everything that they do is a calculated move. If you look carefully enough, you can see the cogs working behind the scenes, the eyes can look blank, or show a lot of activity.
When you meet a sociopath, he won’t look like some crazy, with a sinister presence. Although the way that he intensely stares at you might feel slightly intense. The sociopath can carry this off, with a romantic air. The sociopath is the real life casanova and will not look remarkably different to anybody else. The sociopath:
- Acts normal (in fact so normal you can’t believe your luck)
- Dresses normal
- Appears normal
- Can be found anywhere, in the workplace, in a club, in a bar, in a coffee shop, in a library, in a supermarket , in a church – you get the picture, absolutely anywhere.
The sociopath, compared to some of the loons that you have dated in the past, appears more ‘normal’ than anyone that you have ever met. Pay attention if he:
- Showers you with attention and flattery
- Is very charismatic and charming
- Initially oversteps the mark with ‘personal space’
- Has an intense gaze and stare
- Asks you lots of questions
- Appears just too good to be true
- Makes lots of promises to you, promising you an ideal future (check actions with words)
- Wants to be ‘very’ involved in all areas of your life
- Is very ‘nosey’
- Tells amazing stories, that sound unbelievable (it probably is)
- Plays victim about events in his past. Will paint themself as the victim of past events, and the ideal, perfect catch
Listen to yourself, and trust your gut intuition. Many people who have been involved with sociopaths report how they had ‘warning signs’, or ‘red flags’ in the very beginning, but chose to ignore their inner self. Meeting a sociopath can teach you a lot, mostly learning to trust yourself. Additionally, a sociopath will teach you to take care of yourself, and to start to put your own needs first. Maybe this was a skill that you needed to learn? Or a way that you hadn’t been before? Yes it will change you, and you will likely not be the same again….. but maybe, this is a good thing to learn?
Words © datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
I have just realized in the last week what I have been dealing with for almost 5 years. I thought I was crazy. I’ve been reading everything I can find about this and I can give specific examples of things he has said and done that match up to almost every behavior I find related to sociopaths. I’m still somewhat in denial. I want so bad to believe that there was part of him that really cared about me. I really thought he did. I’ve put my life on hold for years because I thought he was my soul mate and no one will ever compare to him. And now he is gone, will no respond to me, no closure, no answers. I felt insane until I picked up on what a sociopath is. Can they be sincere at all? is anything they say real? I am confused beyond belief and don’t know what to do. I’m scared to even leave this post, because I honestly have no idea who to trust right now.
I KNOW what you are saying….He has been the love of my life…I feel so empty and scared and totally empty. Finding this site has been wonderful for me. It has let me see that others are going through the same thing…I am STILL in DENIAL…even though it has been six weeks…today I ventured out for the first time in six weeks only to go to the EMERGENCY ROOM because I have a bad neck…one of the reasons I guess he left me…couldn’t handle it….I saw him in so many places along the way…all our ROAD TRIPS as he would call them…HE CALLED THE COPS ON ME THE LAST NIGHT WE WERE TOGETHER BECAUSE I WAS ILL….WITH MY NECK…LEFT ME FOR DEAD BASICALLY….left me feeling like it was my fault….I know NOW THAT HE NEEDS HELP….I WAS A GOOD PERSON TO HIM…I PRAY THAT YOU WILL GAIN STRENGTH WITHIN YOURSELF….IT IS NOT YOU…JUST KNOW THAT….
HELLO…IM STILL WAITING TO BE CONFIRMED
For the past 3 months I have been dating a 70 year old man(we are 20 yrs apart) who fits the :sociopath’ ideal. We have spent countless hours together…….I need not go into details they are tell tale signs. 2 days ago we went out for a drink and to get my cell phone fixed. Went back to his place (which looks like a museum) ate a small dinner and I wanted to go home. I have cats and don’t often like to stay at his place. Sex has not been a priority simply because of his age and medication he has problems. I accept that.
The following day I met up with my friend (male) who drives a red truck (he has been a thorn in my friends side) and as we are friends had wine…..chatted as usual and that was it. While my friend was here my guy phoned in a rage and hung up. His anger was directed at the red truck. I had said I would not see my friend anymore but I needed to borrow gas money. After my friend left I proceeded to call my guy and he would not answer. I called the following morning and he was very nasty and said he was recording our conversation and would be placing a restraining order on me. (I am as confused as you are)……it hurt me as he would not answer the phone nor would he sit down and try and sort out what happened? So here I am not calling him…..left a note on his door yesterday…..just wanting some kind of closure from this curve ball that has been thrown at me……can someone lend an ear for me…..I cried most of yesterday…..I just don’t understand. A restraining order? What did I do?……please help. Not in good shape and trying very hard not to call him. Will he come back to me begging forgiveness?….really need some good advice this has messed me up totally..Oh God
Hi Wendy,
You say that this man is in his 70’s but he doesn’t sound very mature? I wouldn’t expect a man of this age to behave in this way. You deserve someone so much better than someone who is verbally abusive. Who is so insecure he wouldn’t allow you to have friends. Who would threaten to record your phone calls.
Try to focus on NOT CONTACTING HIM!! YOU make this decision for you. Because you are worth it. Read my posts (in healing and recovery section) about how to set up No contact.
Sorry, but, while I think it’s an extreme over-reaction, I get this one. He is definitely threatened, and honestly, if you agreed you wouldn’t see the guy friend anymore, why are you? If the man means anything to you, I’d think you’d be respecting your agreements with him.
You mention the sex not being great which suggests you understand he could probably have some insecurity in that respect? Another guy’s truck at your place probably just confirmed his own low sense of self-worth. I think you owe him an olive branch at minimum, and you would probably find a reciprocation from him—maybe even an admission of the over-reaction.
Perhaps his anger/resentment has died down enough for him to be reasonable. If he means anything to you, you might want to find out. All people are imperfect beings. Sometimes, good people are capable of bad behavior—even in the best circumstances. I don’t know that you should write him off for this one thing, but I would talk through the responses and maybe draw some boundaries based on this incident—that you both should try to stick to. Maybe that’s just me.
Dear Wendy,
your 70 y. o. friend is a typical sociopath, here are your red flags:
1. Spying on you / stalking you.
2. Raging at you for nothing.
3. Being over jealous.
4. Recording a conversation (being in control)
5. Threatening you.
6. Silent treatment/ punishment.
7. A very typical move for a sociopath or a narcissist – sudden, very cruel rejection.
When they feel discarded, they do it with you, so they would still feel in control, like they ended the relationship. This happens because the worst fear of narcissists and sociopaths is not the losing control or exposal. It’s the the fear of abandonement, which charges fears of losing control or exposal. So they do everything to abandon the partner first, if they feel that they are going to be left or the source of supply won’t meet his needs of being the only person in your life, living only with the single purpose of serving his needs.
If this man is acting like that on this early, courting stage of your relationship, his actions will intensify 100 times worse after you’ll move in together. You will be done.
If you come back to him and apologise, he may eventually forgive you, only to hook you up on guilt, wear you up and suck the life out of you.
Please run, this man deserves to be lonely, may be then he’ll start to think of all the shit that he is full of.
Great advice. Thank you woman 🙂
I have escaped the cliches of a sociopath for four months now, it’s not the longest as I have left for 9 months before, that time I just felt sorry for him it’s been tougher than I thought as his disorder mind has been engrained into me for over thirty years, sad I know but it’s a long story for another time, it’s weird just typing out how I feel now after it, yes it’s a wierd feeling and exciting at the same time, I do feel in control of my life now, I have seen him once and ignored him also I ignore his pathetic texts. Back soon
Hi Karen and welcome!! Telling your story to those who understand is great therapy 🙂
You make us sound as if we are monsters through choice! Yes, we are cold, calculating, narcissists, but that is our nature. We cannot cognitively comprehend sympathy, empathy, pity etc. and there is no way of changing this. Through this I should note I am not trying to make us the ‘victims’ here, only stating the facts that lie before us. So why is it we must now put up with such a strong implementation that we are not meant to have relationships with women? Are we that f**king bad?! Would you really care if we developed a relationship that only we (the sociopath) knew was a lie, but convicing enough so there was no doubt in the counterpart’s mind that we were being sincere, caring, gentle and affectionate?
Blatantly, the naive, narrow-minded moderators of this page will not allow us to stand up for ourselves as people. I wish to point out, it is incredibly hypocritical if you do prevent these comments from going up talking about how we take ‘control’ over everything you do.
I have one rule, no personal attacks. Attack the viewpoint not the person. So you are wrong. Sociopaths post here sometimes
Deflection and word salad. Classic.
Yeah you do cause a lot of dramas and are hard work at least at worst you can absolutely destroy someone and their life. Turn their world upside down (this also goes for males dating female sociopaths too).
From the language used, you should have derived the fact I was making my point about the viewpoint made against us suggesting traits about the person. Furthermore, how can you claim that no personal attacks are to be made when you clearly imply that all sociopaths are to be avoided and are a blight upon relationships? Also if sociopaths are completely self-serving and only seek their own gains, have you ever considered the combination of both this and the fact we can easily change that which we believe to be self-serving as it is our opinion? My point here is that sociopaths (and any other human being as it is our nature) need affection and love in their life. So why, would we be out to hurt those we seek affection from, when we could offer them a mutually beneficial relationship. It is simply down to individualism that those men in your lives have chosen a path of pain and grief. It is simply a rather unfortunate coincidence in which makes them all appear to be sociopaths. This further pushes a stereotype against us and singles us out as a menace to society. Sure, it might be a natural probability that a sociopath wnds up hurting those around us but not all of us do, and I promise you, more “normal” people have done far worse than we have, it is just our condition that fuels the need to speak out against it.
actually? Honestly? YES to your question, “Are we that f**king bad?!”. Playing with people in all the outlined ways is horrific. I am grateful you can see this about yourself. I really do wish you peace. Unfortunately this is not possible unless you seek therapy. And LOTS of it. But the chances are extremely slim to none.
You (and other SP’s) by your own admission see nothing wrong with the actions of destroying someones life from the inside out.
Thanks for positing though and demonstrating what it is “we” are talking about here.
Yes, you are that f ****g bad!
I must admit however, this is a rather intruiging topic of discussion, despite my obligation to denounce your viewpoint.
Andy? If I may. Please indulge us. What do you find intriguing about this discussion?
The very definition of a sociopath is from the toxic behavior, lying and deception. Why do you think you want/need a relationship when you participate in them for none of the purposes they’re intended for? If it weren’t for the manipulation, no one would be interested in a relationship with someone who sneakily alters their perceptions so they cannot see you for what you truly are. People look for honesty in relationships (and just because you’re honest does not mean they want what you offer) and if you’re not interested/want that, then you’re not a match. Taking advantage of the weak is also not a match, though its a frequent attraction, it often serves to teach the person who is capable of change to learn from their mistakes. It is often NOT a match in the true sense. Therapy is your only option, but because no one is responsible for you but yourself, no one is obligated to give you the companionship you feel entitled to without doing your part/work to change. It’s too much of a burden to waste with something so unlikely, though.
I dated a sociopath for 10 years .
They are hard to leave its sort of like a domme and a slave .You wonder to yourself why cant I just leave.They mind fuck you.
They are very very persuasive.
It took me 3 years to stop caring for him.I had to cut off all communications and not see him at all.I thought I would never be able to leave him because I was always drawn right back into him.
I realized he did not give a shit about me .
And,his behavior made me sick in the end.
I lost 30 lbs when I left.
I did it I triumphed and have been so much happierhis negativity wore on me aged me .
He changed me too.
I have major trust issues now.
I will get better.
Ask yoyrself this is he helping.you or is he holding you back to yield that power over you?trust me when I say RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK because with a sociopath there is no future with you its all about I .
Andy you dont know what love is .
You dont feel it.but it intriques you .
He’s learning.. they are very good studies. My guess is he’s i a lull and needs a new fix. What better place to look for his next prey than a site full of (primarily) women who MAY be weak enough to seek his attention in the guise of trying to “understand” us better.
i fell in love with the same one twice! only for him never to be away from my home, eating, drinking, cuddling , one week til the next being a total stranger who wouldnt answer texts & totally ignored me, stonewalled me online..Liking all other lasses posts, pics etc. I read the pattern this time, as he done the same before & un beknown to me had went back to his wife.I have since unfriended him from the social network.. Not breaking my heart this time round, I’m breaking my own with the respect for myself.. He can move on to his next victim.. On & off for 2 years is enough time wasted on fake love..
Hi all, sociopaths are bad for you. From what I went through. It’s been two years since I turnt my back on him after ten years, and like the comments before it took me three years to really leave properly. Yes I wasted a lot of time, woke up two years ago. They just waste your time, they are empty and sad, he sucked the life out of me. I’m getting better but every time in have to pay thd arrears on my water bill I remember y it’s there, he built up this bill and promised to pay, hey I still have thd bill paying amounts to clear it. They are z total waste of time and is costly. I do feel sorry for all those poor girls and women involved with them. I hope they have the strength to find this wonderful site. The sociopath on this site reading our comments is sick. He probably want to see thd distruction caused by his sort of people, to no avail as there is nothing good in their heads just turmoil. I don’t feel nothing for them.
I feel for you ladies. I am one of these ‘monsters’ that you are talking about. I didn’t even realise I was being this way until I researched the topic on why I am so emotionless and can turn off my feelings for someone almost instantly no matter who the person in question is. I have hurt a woman who loved me intensely for 7 years and I honestly thought i was reciprocating those feelings, but i realise that all i did was drain the life out of her and break her down. I don’t want to be this way, but I can’t believe that this is how it is going to be for the rest of my life. I must be able to change… I am making a conscious decision to stay away from women, so if I can realise what i am doing surely there is hope.
Sadly there is no hope no change. The patterns always repeat 😦
You will not stay away for long. Your testosterone will cloud your attempt. Drink salt Peter , or down some Zoloft. Then get yourself a blow up doll and some KY when you simply must get yourself off. For, that’s all she is to you, something to control and use. better a blow up doll, they have no heart or emotions, just like you!
I see signs of sociopathy in my 18 year old son. He refuses to go to therapy. My husband is in denial. I believe he has been misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder. What can I do?
It is difficult to know at such a young age Overwhelmed. The earliest that they can be diagnosed is 18. Also the behaviour is very similar to a child that is stuck in childhood, and naughty behaviour what kind of signs are you seeing in your son? I know that young males could exhibit similar behaviours – I know the one I was with, behaved like a teenage boy – so if this site sounds similar to his behaviour that could be why.