It can be hard to sink in that Mr or Mrs Perfect that you have been dating is actually a sociopath. You might search the internet looking for answers. You come up with a list of traits from the DSM about sociopaths, and you question is he/she really a sociopath? You read the list, and still you are not sure, after all he/she was just so ‘nice’. Yes you have started to discover things, but you are still not sure, you are confused.
The following is top 18 traits that are red flags. Traits that show that the person you are dating could potentially be a sociopath.
1. Charismatic and charming
For the sociopath, image is everything. At least the image that he/she gives to the outside world. When you first meet, you will be bowled over at just how charismatic and charming he/she is. He will constantly flatter you. Sometimes this will seem false to you, He/she might tell you how incredible that you look. You know that this isn’t true. You just got out of bed, sat in your dressing gown, no makeup, and yes, you did actually see yourself in the mirror. Despite this he will insist that you are the most amazing person that he has ever seen in his life. Your mind tells you that this is probably not true, but we push this to the back of our minds. At the centre of who we are as human beings, we tend to like people who like us. It is flattering and it feels good. You will notice that the sociopath will not just charm you, but will also be charming to everyone that he comes into contact with, including and especially everyone that is close to you.
His words are smooth and fast, and he is never stuck for something to say. He can be amazing company, and can light up your life with energy, charisma, and promises of a rich and bright future ahead. He focuses all of his attention on you, and makes you feel like you are the most amazing person that he has ever met in his life.
2. Superficial and glib
A sociopath will say just about anything to anyone to get what he wants. He is smooth, and words rolls words out of his mouth, without even thinking. There is something about the tall stories that he tells, which just do not ring true. Surely NOBODY could have been through that much, you tell yourself. The things that he tells you and everyone else around you seem to be said for the façade for show.
You might witness him/her being one person with a certain person, and somebody completely different with somebody else. He will say one thing one day, and if you change your mind next day, he can change his mind to accommodate you. If it seems too good to be true, and things are not ringing true, that is your inner voice warning you. Ignore at your peril.
3. Lack of connection to their past
It is often too late and you are emotionally involved, by the time that you realise you haven’t met anybody from his past. He/she often moved to your city/town for work reasons, or some other excuse. Or maybe you met online. At first it doesn’t occur to you that you have never met anybody of significant importance to him. There are no lifelong friends, no family members who come to visit. After a while you will ask, but he will make excuses.
Most people do not meet others close in the very initial stages of a relationship; it’s usually an intimate time. Because of this, at first, you do not notice this lack of connections from his past. It is as the relationship progresses, and after you have introduced him to everyone that is close to you, you start to wonder, when you will meet people that he is close to?
Somebody who is as perfect as he/she seems, who is as charismatic as they are, who meets people so easily, would have other people from their past in their life. And if you are the love of their life, as they so frequently tell you, then they would be keen to show you off to people close to him/her.
4. Huge ego
All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Because of this, all sociopaths have a huge ego. When you meet, they will tell you a huge list of things that make them sound absolutely remarkable. They will talk of big business plans, success that they have had in the past. How in demand they are in with the opposite sex (but how they have chosen you, because you are special. They will talk of incredible success with careers. And most definitely brag of how amazingly skilled they are in bed.
They will sell themselves to you, like a top notch car salesman selling his cars on the parking lot. He will not care that everything told to you is a lie. He creates a wonderful fantasy of himself. Designed to ensnare and impress you. He will make you feel how lucky you are to have met someone as amazing as his smooth dazzling self.
5. They play victim
Of course, if all the only part of his persona that you saw was his ego, it would be quite off putting. After all, nobody likes a show off. It is therefore important to the sociopath to play victim. He will tell tales of how awful his childhood was. How he was treated badly by his exes. What a wonderful caring person he is. He will make up incredible stories, designed to evoke pity and sympathy. If he is almost caught in a lie, he will try to deflect attention from this, and try to make you feel sorry for him. You will find that often when almost caught he will suddenly be very ill and almost need hospital attention. He tells tales of terrible life threatening illnesses of those close to him (who you have never met, and most likely never would).
His ability to switch to victim mode will make you feel sorry for him. Will take attention away from the truth that you are so close to discovering. It will make him seem weak and vulnerable. It will encourage you to open up to disclose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It will build a false sense of trust and a fake bond, which is felt when two people share their vulnerabilities.
6. They want to spend ALL of their time with you – showers you with attention and flattery
At first it can feel flattering. The sociopath, once they have selected you as an appropriate target, makes you the centre of attention and the focus of their world. They bombard you with telephone conversations, texts, and he wants to see you every minute of every day.
At first this is flattering. But after a while you long to see old family and friends. You wish that he/she had his own family and friends to spend time with. But as his are not around, you introduce him to your own inner circle. You become as inseparable as twins separated at birth. This not only moves the relationship forward incredibly fast, before you are ready, but creates a false sense of intimacy, which is mirrored from relationships of couples that are falling truly and deeply in love.
7. Sexual charisma and magnetism
All sociopaths have a great deal of testosterone. They will stare you straight in the eyes, a look which can feel sometimes uncomfortable. As sociopaths do not particularly care what others think of them and have big egos you will feel a great sexual chemistry. Before you sleep with them, they will brag to you how amazing that they are in bed. Mostly, this is the one time that they are telling the truth.
A sociopath usually has good staying power in bed. And can last far longer than most non sociopaths. They have energy to burn and love to show off their sexual prowess in bed. This chemistry between you can leave your heart racing, and you begging for more. When it comes to sex, a sociopath rarely says no. You will feel sexually very connected and compatible. Again misleading you into thinking what a great match you both are together. Sociopaths are often very sexy due to high levels of testosterone.
9. They are compulsive pathological liars, and when confronted will do anything to protect the lie
Most people feel uncomfortable telling a lie, and usually need to confess the lie and have a need to be honest. A sociopath is opposite to this. A sociopath actually feels uncomfortable telling the truth.
The lie is his weapon. It is his protection from the outside world. Sociopaths lie about everything and everything. They will make up huge stories, lies that they would obviously get caught out about later on, they will continue to tell, and when you are close to revealing the lie, they will lie further to protect the lie. Protecting the lie is more important than your feelings.
When caught in a lie a sociopath will always
- · Change the subject
- · Blame someone else
- · If pushed will become angry, and point out your shortcomings, but rarely will he ever admit to the lie.
The only exception to this is when his lies are so close to becoming uncovered, he knows that he risks losing you, and he has not yet finished with you for source for supply. In this case, he can confess lots of lies. And apologise for lying to you. He would do this only in a drastic situation, and would do this to rebuild trust, so that he could continue to manipulate you and use you some more.
10. Lives like a parasite
Sociopaths cannot really see the point of working hard for long hours and little pay. There are far easier ways for them to obtain things for free. Often a sociopath will see YOU as his/her career option. At first you will not mind. After all, the relationship has moved with speed, and you are now sharing your life together. He will give glib promises, of how he will repay you, how special you are. You are made to feel like he is doing you a huge favour.
Sociopaths love getting anything for free. They see this as ‘winning’ and it makes them feel good. It makes them feel good for two reasons.
- It shows how stupid other people are (and therefore how clever they are)
- It enables them to have the very best in life, with very little stress, effort, responsibility or commitment.
All sociopaths do this, even those who work. Even high functioning sociopaths like certain politicians, who put in false claims for expenses and live off a great life at the tax payers’ expense.
11. Comes on strong and moves fast
If you meet someone and they are keen to move the relationship forward fast, be aware. Somebody who has faith and confidence in who they are will want to spend time getting to know you, learning about you. Finding out all they can, to ensure that you are a good match for them. After all, not everyone is compatible.
If you meet someone and they stay at yours from the beginning and by 6 weeks they move their things in, and propose marriage be wary. Take a step back. A sociopath always moves fast, and comes on strong. They do this to stop you from changing your mind, from seeking opinions from other people (which might be negative towards him), and by increasing the maximum amount that he can scam you for. He is keen, yes, but not on you, on what he can get from you. And the sooner he can begin this process, the better. He never knows how long he will be around for.
12. Seems to have so much in common with you, appears a ‘soulmate’ connection
A sociopath, not really experiencing real true emotions of his own, is capable of mimicking the emotions wants and needs of others. He will mirror you to be your perfect partner.
You will be surprised, at just how much you have in common. You seem to have so many common interests, and also common goals in life. You appear to have a deep connection, which almost feels spiritual. You can feel that you have known each other for years, or even many lifetimes.
If you are dating someone and you appear to have so much in common, that you feel like you almost like one person in two bodies, be aware. It could be a genuine connection, but it also has the risk, that you have met a sociopath who has already assessed you, and is now mirroring back to you, everything you are, everything that you need, and everything that you want him to be.
13. Socially isolates you
One of the reasons that a sociopath will come on strong, and bombard you with affection, is because he wants you to not have the time to see other people. If he does this he has you all to himself. He will feel jealous of other people in your life. He will do anything to put you off of spending time with those that he feels is a threat to his existence.
Within a short space of time, you can find that you are no longer spending time with people who were once close to you. By socially isolating you, it makes you more difficult to leave. You become reliant and dependent on him. Thinking that this is all that you have left in your life, he is the only one who understands you. If you look back and realise that you see less people in your life now, than when you first met, this is not a good sign.
In a healthy relationship, you are encouraged to spend time with whatever friends that you choose. You are encouraged to grow and to have space to breath. A sociopath rarely gives you breathing space. You will end up feeling that you do not have time for anything or anyone else.
14. Is very dramatic
Sociopaths are always dramatic. They tell big stories, are manipulative and deceptive. They appear to be larger than life characters. They are always charming, and he always has a story to tell. They are smooth talkers and they stand out. He loves to be the centre of attention. They do not mind having dramas or who sees them doing this, as they simply ‘do not care’. They are either dramatically telling lies, manipulating, deceiving, being dramatic victims, or dramatic pleadings that they will change. Whatever they do, they will always seem larger than life. Sociopaths LOVE drama. they are drawn to it like magnets. If there isn’t any drama, well they will create some.
15. Lack of life plan and long term goals
Some sociopaths work, but most do not. If they do work, they can rarely hold down a job for too long as they do not like routine, or being told what to do. Often they think that working is beneath them, and treat work with contempt. After arguments a sociopath might promise to change. But this is not very likely.
They do not make long term goals like everybody else. They are so busy lying cheating, manipulating and scamming. It is as if they do not have the time to make goals in life. Most people realise that to have anything in life they need to work hard for it. A sociopath works hard, for himself as he works hard at scamming and cheating others. But he cannot see why he would need to work hard to get things like holidays, or anything else. Although he will promise you that this is exactly what he plans to do. He will make plenty of promises, which will rarely come true.
A sociopath is so consumed by the drama of today, what is happening in the next few months do not seem of importance. They will lie today, and not think about how this will affect them in the future.
16. Immaturity
Most sociopaths are also very immature. Because they cannot learn from mistakes and keep repeating the same mistakes over, they are unable to grow up, and act in a more mature manner that has respect for another human being, for their rights, their welfare or thinking about their needs.
Like a teenager they are demanding (masked with charm), and very selfish. They only think of their own needs (what is in it for me)? A sociopath is unable to put the needs of others before their own needs. A sociopath thinks that the entire world revolves around them.
17. Predatory stare
- Ok, they don’t all look THIS crazy…. but this is an example of predatory stare!! Jimmy Saville – definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse.
It is not just the ‘stare’ (see above) The sociopath also comes up CLOSE. It can feel quite uncomfortable, as he focuses his gaze onto you. His body language, gives you little space to breath. You can literally feel like you are ‘prey’. Sometimes the sociopath looks at you like you are his next lunch and he is very hungry! At first, this is flattering, later into the relationship it can feel ‘suffocating.
18. Will always blame someone else – lack of remorse, guilt or shame
When a sociopath has had a sociopathic meltdown (remember most of the time he has his mask on), you will see signs of insanity. The sociopath is deceptive and manipulative, and will cheat, lie and con. But you will not be aware of this.
When the sociopath is caught in his actions, he will show a total lack of remorse, guilt or shame. You might be shocked. This is a side that you have not seen before. Usually when the sociopath is behaving this way, he is often in ruining stage and just will ‘not care’ there will be no empathy for how you are feeling. He will show no remorse, guilt or shame for his actions.
It will all be somebody else’s fault. A sociopath will never admit to his wrong doings, instead he will either blame someone else, or ignore you, and your pain and move onto a new source for supply.
Sociopaths are very deceptive about who they are
Words © datingasociopath.com
Dating a Sociopath 
Reading this helps me to understand what I was dealing with and it also helped to. Bring closure to these ongoing feelings of guilt or self-esteem. Im so glad that I was able to walk away without committing a murder. Its a terrible thing for someone to play on your emotions in such a way.
I know exactly how you feel. I have just “excaped’ out of a five year relationship and have only just worked it out that I have spent my time with a sociopath. He has been living with me and off me for five years (I am a working (professional) single mom) and all the time he refused point blank to work. His main excuse was, “there are no jobs” He has a drink problem and never knows when to say no to anything! He will take anything from anyone without a second thought. I only really worked it out when he stole my credit card and he said it was my fault! He has no guilt or consideration for anyone or any thing. I was a text book victim. Wooed, charmed, constantly with me, he told me his ex was money mad etc.. I caught him out in lie after lie and his response was to be very verbally abusive to me. In the end I chose to ignore it. I became exasperated trying to get through to him. I threw him out a few weeks ago and although I have spoken to him on the phone he is not showing any remorse whatsoever. In fact, he had managed to ponce a house and some money of a distant relative and told me unless I take him back (now his money has gone that he got from SOMEONE ELSE) not to speak to him again as he wants to move on. (Hmmm, sure he does) I’m still trying to come to terms with this! Not only am I hurt that everything I did for him meant nothing but I am trying to come to term with the fact that have been so stupid and allowed myself to be duped by a con-man. I beat myself up wondering why I didn’t spot this before sooner, but I guess I didn’t want to admit it and ignored it. My advice is – the moment you have a man living in your home and you have to put your hand in your pocket because the guy has no money and won’t work… RUN and save yourself years of heartache and guilt, it will be worth it!
Sara, you are not stupid. Please do not beat yourself up. Im sure there are many intellegent women before you. We have used our emotional needs to be guided into, and staying in such a relationship. It is NOT lack of intellegence or being stupid.
I would be careful having any contact with him at all. Sometimes it feels safe to keep your thumb on the pulse and knowing what he is up to. The sooner all contact stops, the sooner the real healing can begin.
Thank you.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Sara Smile,
All women with huge hearts are easily taken advantage of by those men in life I like to call ‘VAMPIRES’! It’s the worst feeling in the world to be made out as the bad guy when you truly feel love for another person. The truth, I’ve learned the hard way, is always the feeling you get in your gut (your instincts). Women tend to feel this way, because we have a gift of empathy – we are caretakers.
I am ending a relationship now, because I am strong and I met this man during a fragile time too. I am newly divorced and my energy was depleted.
I hope you are feeling better and I hope to feel better soon. It takes time digesting the strength of who you are and trying to balance having someone in your life who doesn’t have good intentions and only sucks more life out of you. Love is kind. Love is beautiful. It is never about making a person feel less than perfect. In the eyes of a narcissist or sociopath……they are perfect. The good news is……when you allow yourself more love than any outsider you will have the assertiveness and courage to learn and grow. Everything happens for a reason!! And every dark night will lead to a brighter tomorrow.
Molly
Thank you Molly. Sx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
If only I could have read this 7 years ago, could have looked inside a crystal ball. Not sure I will ever come to terms with falling in love, being involved, tricked, realising everything was a lie! The only comfort is reading and learning more of a sociopath. I am seeking help from a phychologist. I feel stupid and have suffered over the past 6 years. Why did I believe someone telling me they would never lie to me only to
find out it was all a lie. If only I had found out earlier, my life would be so much happppier
Why ending a relationship with someone who was genuine who totally wanted to look after me to choose to work and be with a complete liar. Why did Why Why, trickster
I just can’t believe how every single woman on here sounds exactly like what I have gone through. I can relate to all of you.. Thanks for sharing, this is helping me find the strength to keep my mind strong and not put up with this stuff from these types of people anymore.. What I want is to have absolutely no empathy for people with such destructive, manipulating personalities.. I am absolutely sick and tired of it and have had more than my share 5 back to back in my lifetime and in my family as well.. I have had it.. These stories are really helping me see the light and I am so proud of all of you for reaching out and sharing your painful stories.. Wishing you all peace strength and recovery, it seems these blogs are more beneficial than a lot of therapists.. I have never gone to see one, but perhaps if anyone does attempt to do so, then I suppose it’s wise to do careful research and stick to the ones who specialized in this specific type of personality disorder so you don’t come out feeling crazy! 🙂 Wishing everyone suffering comfort and increased knowledge to understand themselves and practice establishing better boundaries.. That what I am going to work on.. Be safe everyone!
I’ve been reading a lot about this tonight because I can’t help the feeling that I’m being had. He basically saved my life about a year ago when I was losing my apartment. And then just like was said above completely took me. Every minute, every breath, he was there. We ended up moving in together after only a couply of months into a totally different place – a house that his dad owns. I also worked for him and he paid me nearly nothing to begin with, and then I was not cashing my checks at all because the business was bad. And all along when I was not getting paid, all he did was make me feel like I owed him because he needed to lend me a couple of bucks here and there. I kept telling him “well I’m not getting paid”, but it was always me. I ended up with a title loan on my car which is now raping me. And I finally have a new job that he actually agreed that I get (because without getting paid I couldn’t give him money for expenses. And then he made me sign all of my checks that I had not cashed over to him for past expenses. He couldn’t even give me one when I got sick and was in the hospital. The resentment has built up and I don’t know what to do. He as already physically tried to throw me out on the street when I had nowhere to go. I was sitting in the driveway until he let me in. He did this because I got mad at him for cursing me out because I couldn’t help his dad put stuff in his mobile home away that Saturday. He didn’t even tell me about it until 10 mins before he decided that was what HE wanted me to do. Now according to him I owe him even more money every week from my check because when I was in the hospital for that week I didn’t get a check. I can’t talk to him about anything, and now I’m afraid of him after he tried to throw me out already and threatened to do that even before that. Anyway, don’t know what to do. I’m financially struggling, everything is owed to him, and I can’t hardly look at him for how I know he ripped me off for a year working for him. Anyway, all I can do now is go to work every day, not miss any days because of depression, and pray. Anyway, thanks for listening. I need to log off because if he ever saw this he would do something drastic. Prayers please?
Michelle-please find a domestic violence shelter near you. They will give you a place to live and help you to get back on your feet while KEEPING your own money and saving for your own place. They can also help you to get counseling and other services that you need.
From reading your post, you know you are on a road to nowhere good. Its time to get off that road for your mental health and your personal safety. I am very sorry that you are in this position. Anyone that has experience with a sociopath understands that the situation many be different but the core traits are the same.
Please take the first step for your personal safety.
Thank you!!
I have reliesed to late that I was dating a sociopath. he left the home five days ago. I found out I’m pregnant and that i wanted to talk to him. All i am getting is poor him poor him. I really find it insane he cant see past himself.
He was abusive mentally and psychically and he got me pregnant before and he did the same. He pushed me to have an abortion. By hitting me and cheating.
I cant do that this time as I always regretted being weak against him. He never says sorry unless he wanted to come back to the house, i JUST DON’T GET IT.He was super intense a the beginning made me move out my flat and get a house within months of dating. Told me his ex beat him and that she made his life hell. He then said the same about me. He lies all the time and to his mother he makes himself out to be another person to get what he wants.
This is super hard and I wish I knew over a year ago he wouldn’t change. It’s really bizarre when a person can’t feel empathy for you and they supposed to love you. I really am confused how they are allowed to walk around and ruin peoples lives.
Missy i am going to email you about this. There are a few things that I want to say. But I don’t want to say it here. Its too personal (about me). Is that ok?
Yes, you are so right, about how `they` are allowed to live among us, conning and deceiving with impunity. My ex `bf` s MOTHER sticks up for him…..and blamed ME for `pushing him away`. He CHEATED, LIED, ATTACKED me, my KIDS, was COLD, HEARTLESS, STOLE from me, verbally abused me, said he gave me aids (I was checked, he told lies), I nearly took my own life in DESPAIR…then his CROCODILE tears were pathetic. The last straw, was his MOTHER telling me off for always calling the POLICE. He stalked me, and lied and lied about all his lies…..im angry, exhausted, and I wish id had him sent to prison while I had the chance. He is a MONSTER. aka Simon Prauns-Mandel. Chatham. Kent.
Let him live with his Mother – she’ll soon find out how you feel!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
” It’s really bizarre when a person can’t feel empathy for you and they supposed to love you.” It’s really really really sad, it is.
The psychopaths are like farmers or ranchers, I suppose. The victims are no more than livestock. They are kept for consumption. If it takes flowers and chocolate to raise a prize sheep, then, they do it – but it’s all for the slaughterhouse, sorry to say. “Love” is not anything that goes on in ranching. The craziest ones actually kill their victims; the others suck away their life energy.
You are a pork chop, and victims are like cattle who are hoping that the farmer goes vegan soon. It may not happen. Break the fence. Run.
PS: I find it interesting that they call the raising of animals for slaughter “husbandry.”
I love this analogy 🙂 🙂 very clever!
yes positive girl you may email me.
I was a sociopath all the way until last year. I didn’t care about anyone except myself. I was so dead inside, I was molested orally by a neighbor at least three times as small child and barely felt emotion as it was happening. I’ve used those closest to me(money, material items, etc), friends(to boost my ego), ex girlfriends(sex) and good people from my church(image). I was parasitic to say the least. What set me apart from other sociopaths was ambition, work ethic and a long term plan. I worked out at a Gym regularly for years with hopes of achieving “perfection”(I was narcissistic). I still workout. Last year, I started to faintly feel emotion after feeling almost nothing all my life. I eventually began to regret bullying an autistic guy in high school(that was really bad, I know) so I tracked him down and apologized for all I put him through, he forgave me and I worked hard to make it up to him. Lately my emotional development has reached the stage where I now desire a wife and children eventually. I’m in my 20’s so it’s not too late to meet someone who will love and accept me in spite of my past. There is one woman I really like. She’s not the prettiest(still moderately attractive) but her inner beauty outshines her outer appearance. She’s kind, caring, sweet, empathetic, compassionate, patient, forgiving and Godly. I am certain she likes me too. Using and hurting people is behind me and it’s going to stay that way. I don’t know how I changed. I do believe God is real and I believe he’s played a huge part in who I am now. My healing story is rare. With God, anything is possible.
There are conditions like sociopathy or psychopathy, but less serious. True sociopaths do not get better. There are degrees of the personality disorder such as narcissism and such. True sociopaths have no conscience. It is possible to develop one’s conscience, but not to grow a new one. Real sociopaths are never troubled or confused, or bothered by guilt. All those abilities, even though they are painful, are signs of health, not psychopathy. Continue to heal and grow.
We’ll see!
That is so awesome. My ex is a sociopath and we have a son. It is awful. I hope one day he can change. He too was belted severely and naked by his mother
I don’t think that there can be that much change Mandy. You cannot give someone what they do not have. How can you teach someone empathy and how can you give the range of emotions to someone who does not have it? You can’t really.
Sociopaths do not change, they do not develop a conscience. They are very good at observing others (early in their life) and practice displays of appropriate emotions in situations. They can learn to be better cons, they can convince others that they have had a spiritual experience and are now a new man-but they are NOT. They never will be. It is very sad that a person innately has no conscience, no empathy, no compassion. All we can do is protect ourselves.
Absolutely bratgirl
U sound so young and aware no ones perfect I think true sociopaths do serious damage on people and families woman men and children and have no remorse your story was nice that u see that u had a condition most are in denile u sound more like a victim of abuse then a sociopath my dear My god bless us all.
Well after falling In love with a sociopath (now my ex who I had to tear myself away from
After learning what he was) and realising how he can tell lies to manipulate people, it would not surprise me to know that what you have said is infect a lie.
and that the whole “I’m an ex sociopath” is just another clever game to reel in gullible people who see the best in others and may take pity on you and you can control them and use your “ex sociopath story” as a tool to get away with your future bad behaviour
And if it works you will know how clever you are
Pfft
All you wrote was POOR YOU! This is the way you manipulate. What has the lady you like got? Money? Healing story hahaha!!! The people you hurt have the healing stories, you are just a selfish individual and will tell your poor tale to get sympathy yet again! You can’t change as you are who you are. Your just a spoilt person if you are genuine with the feelings, you thought the world owed you, for what happened to you. You going to tell this female how bad your life was and you are so sorry for what you did???? That’s a SOCIOPATH!
Yeah, and are you going to pay them back the money you sponged of YOUR VICTIMS and help them recover the costs – not only money wise, but self esteem and trust?! Poor you eh! What about your victims – do you ever spare them a thought?! I note in your ‘pity me’ speech, you haven’t actually said sorry!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
They never do say sorry. …. just deflect, rant and blame some more.
I know! I’ve had one sponge of me! He thought my savings from my years of hard work was HIS pension!! He repaid my kind heart with insults, degrading me and stealing from me. All the time telling me I was worth nothing. That was until I saw the light and threw him and everything ‘I’d’ bought him – including the paper to wipe the lazy morons butt into the street. Last time I saw him he was in a shopping centre drinking cheap beer!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
I know. I went through the same. At the end i decided keep it. It’s worth it to get rid of you.
He ended up sleeping homeless on streets after he stole from me he called police on me!!! Police kicked him out.
Yes, he called the police on me so many times because he ‘knew’ it scared me. The last time he called them and sneered he was going to get me ‘done’ they arrested HIM! But the weird thing is – after everything he’d done, the thieving, insults and lies – I’d keep having him back as I felt sorry for HIM! One thing tho – are all socoipaths work shy, lazy, bastards? My ex made excuses for FOUR years not to work. Any work he had prior was small business he’d managed to con (two were Ex’) into funding for him. Of course he robbed them blind and drained the business dry.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
He was like this for 18 months faked loads of jobs. Would leave the house every day faking he was going to work. He got me into thousands of debt. Total nightmare whilst to my face he was smiling going to work.. that didn’t exist. He even faked his daughters mother was dying of cancer and kept that up for months. Tears heartache. So much stress it was all fake and an act.
How did he get you into debt? Mine didn’t fake work, he just made every excuse not do it.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
By compulsive pathological lying. By faking that he had collatoral and was a good honest man, to get me to pay. Then faking that there was a delay in payment. Living off of me 100% – he was at my home so i had no choice. Stealing from me…. playing on the heart strings of what a good guy and poor victim he was, so I kept shelling out thinking this was just ‘temporary’. It wasn’t.
He did…. after 18 months …. (we had split by then) finally get a job. That was because they would have stopped his welfare benefits if he didn’t. He said to me ‘I have to, i dont have anyone else to live off’ …. 🙂
They really are crazy mo-fos…..
That’s sounds exactly like my story. My SP said he was owed lots of money, etc and that it will be here ‘next week’ these next weeks lasted four years. He still didn’t get a job even when his benefits stopped. He had the cheek to keep telling ME I was mean and added insult by saying his life was crap!!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
This all rings true for me. Whoever wrote the warnings on this site got it spot on!
Run for the hills if you see these traits in the future and I’m guessing that you will if you’ve been burned already by being on here.
A friend once told me, there are two types of people in this world,…… drains and radiators.
What a great quote. There are two types of people in this world… drains and radiators. I think I will use that. Thank you!! 🙂 Genius and one I will remember!
Thanks Missy, for seeing right through this guy who is on this page just to con the commenters.
To the poster, above, you were NEVER a `sociopath`, because they were born without a CONSCIENCE. It`s just not there. That part of their brain does NOT exist. You probably had some sort of delayed emotions, caused by your abuse in childhood. Psychos are born evil, like human robots, they only care about their own needs. Only those of us born with the missing part that they lack, can see that, and understand how truly DANGEROUS `they` REALLY are…:( I wish you well.
I’m a gay guy and I experienced this as well. I met a guy online that was “down on his luck”, and I allowed him to stay with me for two weeks, well…. two weeks turned into two miserable years. He told lies to everyone, even told everyone that my home and cars were his and that he was letting me use them. He would steal my checkbook and credit cards then get mad when I confronted him. He couldn’t keep a job because he was always wronged by his coworkers. He would go off into rages at times and it seemed like he could honestly kill me. I eventually was forced to file for bankruptcy because of him.
When I finally got tired of it and attempted to end the relationship he got desperate and faked an attempted suicide, complete with ambulance and hospital stay (lots of drama). When that didn’t work he started stalking me, following me from work, etc.. He threatened to “out me” to people in my family. Suddenly one day it all stopped, then I found out he moved in with another man (with nice house and cars) in another town, his next victim. I found out later this guy ended up in bankruptcy too. These people are con artists and will ruin your life, stay far away from them!
Hey thanks for you comments. It sounds like you have been through a horrible time at the hands of a sociopath. They really have no consideration for anyone else at all, apart from their own needs. How are you doing today? I am glad you are free!
I’m doing great today, and I have been in a wonderful relationship now for 7 years. I have been rid of the sociopath for 10 years now.
You were right when you said these people have no past. This guy said his family hated him for no reason, and that he could never return to his hometown. That was all a lie. He did have bad dealings with his parents, but only because he tried to screw them over too, in fact he almost caused his parents to divorce. These people are drifters, and they go from town to town, from victim to victim. The only hope of getting rid of them is if they find better prey (gullible with more money), unfortunately this is usually after you have no more money and no friends.
I wish I had read this article 18 months ago it would have saved me alot of pain and heartache. If it wasnt for the other woman posting a picture of them together on facebook I wouldnt have known about his cheating.But still unbeknown to me and her he wss still seeing me I pmd her shes in denial she wont believe the truth so his Web has begun spinning again after 3 weeks they are engaged. I shall send her this website lets hope it opens up her eyes its quicker to get out after 3 weeks rather than 18 month
Hi Bev, welcome to the site. Firstly it really is pointless to try to warn her. She wouldn’t listen anyway. He will lie and say that you are crazy and obsessed with him. I can guarantee that not only will he turn it around on you, which will hurt you more. But also it will bring them closer together. As they will create a bond against you – and he will look like he is a ‘catch’ for you to be so upset.
true ive deleted his numbers n blocked her and her family from facebook who were making out i was the liar i wish id have found this site 18 months ago let em get on with it
positivagirl, your words are correct, this happened with me and an ex neighborhood who is a sociopath. He lied and said I was crazy and and the new woman seems like his match made in hell and they both formed a bond against me. The weird part is that I did everything in my power over the years to never talk to this woman and he got her involved in a property line dispute against me. The guy warned me that if I left him, he would promise to make my life a living hell. It’s really weird, I did tell her once in the beginning during the fence dispute he was very abusive toward me and she said, he has a real sweet side to him, blah blah blah.. More than ten years have passed and he still puts on a show with the neighbors of being this great husband and now they have two kids.. That man was horrible toward me and his ex’s too. One he was with for four years said he was always fairly good to her and there were problems with emotional incest from his insane mother, but then one day he turned cold on her, then it was over and he did the same to me, lots of other things I can’t go into for now, but I think he knew the woman he’s with now was the type he needed to carry out his plan, and she’s perfect for him.. They both are Narcissistic, sometimes they seem ok, then they get strange.. I avoid him and her too at all costs, I am polite if I have to interact which is rare – thank goodness, but try very hard to ignore them and keep a distance as much as I can. It’s really freaky, painful and disturbing watching how he puts on a show of normalcy and commitment to this woman, when I and some of his friends know who he really is. I guess, he got in pretty deep and has continued to play his role really well in the neighborhood.. It’s typical of a Psychopath to live next door and carry on like it’s all nothing and your feelings are non-existent – it’s like you never had any contact or relationship.. But, I can say it ‘s quite traumatic witnessing how they just go on right in your face and put on a show like they are treating someone else better – in front of you and everyone else in the community, to intentionally make you sick and crazy.. Insane and cruel which is in their nature… Phew… What a world we live in.. But that bond thing they form with someone they brainwash is scary, and so I agree it’s best not to tell the new woman anything because you never know what type of personality she has and she may be desperate for a relationship and will turn on you because these men are very good at what they do when they are determined to hurt someone.. They are perfect master manipulators/actors and experts at this..
Hi Bev, welcome to the site. Firstly it really is pointless to try to warn her. She wouldn’t listen anyway. He will lie and say that you are crazy and obsessed with him. I can guarantee that not only will he turn it around on you, which will hurt you more. But also it will bring them closer together. As they will create a bond against you – and he will look like he is a ‘catch’ for you to be so upset.
Wow Bev, this sounds exactly what I just went through. I found out through facebook that my boyfriend of a year and a half was cheating on me, had a entirely new girlfriend he was sleeping with while he was away for a job. Meanwhile, he would call and text saying he loved me and missed me. Even send flowers. When I looked at his phone records he was texting me then the other girlfriend back and forth as well as calling. I am talking with-in seconds of one another. When I called this woman, she wouldn’t even answer the phone. She was in complete denial, told me that he had broken up with me 3 months prior and that he has moved on. I believe she may know he is full of it but, doesn’t care because she is just as much a piece of trash and had 2 children from previous relationships. Her last text to me was, “stop texting me, he has moved on”. Yet, I hadn’t texted the girl since earlier in the morning telling her that karma will come her way too if she knowingly did this. I feel so betrayed. I knew something was wrong with him and I just thought it was his ADHD but, then after seeing my therapist he meets the sociopath profile to a T. I am now left with a broken heart and extra bills to pick up on my own. Meanwhile, he came and got all of his stuff, walked away with a new girlfriend, a new job, and not one tear in his eye.
oh the woman he cheated on me with got rid of him after 8 weeks she didnt like his outburst this woman then texted me telling me she ended the relationship and within an hour of her finishing with him he was at another womans house living with her.In the 8 weeks of him being with the first woman i found out he had been leading a double life all the two years he was with me with the second woman.And since he cheated on me in August karma has come knockin he has lost his job,hes on job seekers allowance,the mother of his 3 children wont let him see his 3 kids and the woman he is living with has got evicted from their home and she had him in court last friday for abh(actual bodily harm)all he got was a small fine and the charge would be kept on file and shes still with him so more fool her she was warned if she went back with him from social services they would take her daughter and she put him first instead of the daughter luckily enough they didnt find out
Many criminals in jail are sociopaths, but there are many that look normal in the world, are not criminal according to law, and always seem to land on their feet in such situations. It will do no good to contact the new girl friend. You need to focus on yourself and learn to spot them early on. I have discovered about myself and many other women, some of us are more vulnerable to the sociopath for various reasons.
I have been out of the relationship with the last sociopath for 3 yrs. We dated for 4 months, things blew up and we ended it. I was still in love. After a 2 month break, we got back together for 2 years. I had a head injury from a fall and was awaiting a settlement when I met him. His former girl friends were getting divorced and getting their half of marital assets. This one sought women who were about to come into some money. He worked and was generous as well, but a pathological liar.
We went to a couple counselor as I had trouble rebuilding trust after the first break up. I told the therapist that he said he was in the FBI years before and worked for sherrifs dept., now admits that is a lie. The therapist asked him why he lied, he said because he was insecure. She turned to me and asked me why I continue in a relationship with a liar. That was a turning point for me. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. You can heal from this. It feels horrible to be dumped my a jerk. That is our own ego calling for attention. You are not alone. Be grateful to be free from him. Please focus on your own healing. I am still working on it after years.
You can’t possibly know just how useful this comment is to me in terms of reaffirming. Did you end before you had the settlement payment?
No, I got my settlement and we were still together. I went on a spending spree-that was me and not his deal. I needed a good bed because of physical problems, tv old, no computer, stuff for my kids, etc. I was not real wise. A month after my settlement it was christmas, and he and I planned a trip to the Bahamas. We agreed to split the cost, but we had to make a $1200 down payment and the rest due by March. He asked me to cover his half and we would settle up with income tax. He deliberately put off filing his tax. Im sure he thought I would just spring for it. I reminded him a couple of times. Finally I said it was due next week and asked if we should just cancel so I could get my deposit back. He sold a couple of guns and coughed the money up.
He cost me some money. The worst of it is that I settled for less that I should of because of the mess that he made the year before. Also, he got me playing poker machines and I still play them, they will screw you everytime, but not as much as a sociopath will.
I only asked as that was my fear. The situation I was in. I feared he was after the big payout. After 18 months faking jobs. He finally got a job and was generous it was always in the back of my mind was this just a downpayment for a bigger better con. It really unnerved me.
They can cloud your mind and affect your spending so you think that you are making the choices. But they are so damn clever. I knew my head was so clouded I had to get out. I feel so much better that I have. I just felt on edge all the time. What would he do next and I knew he was capable of anything. Then he blew up again when drunk. Became violent said that he would ruin my life. I thought well thank god this is happening now. It was a spooky feeling. The amount they brainwash you I even struggled to write coherently. My words would be jumbled up. They act as ‘carer’ helping and supporting you. Always it’s for their own motives.
I truly believe I was with a sociopath for over ten years. He was my bestfriend … or so I thought. the most amazing actor I have ever met! I finally ran for both mine and my childrens lives as I discovered that for the last 3 years for sure He had been drugging me and my children and raping and molesting and torturing us taking pics and videos and I believe selling them to make more money as he had all ready drained me. I guess he was a petiphile and a sociopath. we are just lucky to be alive today. it is just to bad that this has happened in the best contry in the world “Canada” as our laws to protect women and children is crap and our governmert cares little to change it. I just hope and pray that we can continue to stay alive as he has said he will track us, we will never be able to get away from him. his entire family is just as screwed up as him and they do this stuff as a family I have come to realize… Scarey freaking crap!
Oh my gosh!!!!I am so so so sorry to read what you have been through. What a horrific experience. I hope that you are safe now? And have people around you to support you? How are your children doing? Sending you a hug x
I think that you are right that he was a sociopath. I hope that you are safe now. I dont know the laws there, but can you get a protective order for him to stay away?
I dated a sociopath that had been our marriage counselor. He had me convinced that he was my best friend and soul mate. Because I had teenagers, when we had sex it was at his home when my kids stayed with their dad. I could remember the beginning of sex, I could remember the end and wanting it to stop, but there were 3 missing hours in the middle. I did not follow my gut and tried to ignore this. It happened a handful of times. I was drugged as well but unable to prove.
Sociopaths are often very hypersexual and the 3 things they seek most is financial, sex, and power.
I hope that if you are not seeing a therapist that you will consider this. This is a lot for a person to recover from without professional help. Also, I hope that you are able to get your children into counseling for this, they will need help for this-although I do not know all of your circumstances.
Are there domestic violence shelters near you? If that is available, it might be a good resource for you as well.
I am so sorry for what has happened. Thoughts and prayers sent to you.
It’s been three and a half days since my “relationship” ended. I find myself riding out wave after wave of emotional outbursts. The rational me knows that I have escaped from something more damaging than most can fathom, but I keep missing him and I still love him. What’s wrong with me? How can people live life destroying others for nothing more than their own pleasure. Will I ever recover and become the man I used to be?
Hi Brian three days is early days of recovery whilst you come to terms with what has happened to you. yes you will recover. How long it takes is dependent on you – and whether you focus your energy on yourself or on him. Welcome to the site. I think that how you feel is normal and the longer that you were in the relationship the longer it will take to heal and recover.
I have just managed to escape my ex sociopath after five years, Yes, it hurts..a lot. BUT it will hurt a lot more when you have nothing left and not a penny to your name and know that your ex is scamming yet another poor unsuspecting person for their own gain.
I realize that this is a game that they play as I was packing his things I saw books like “The Bondage Breaker” and “48 Laws of Power” Sociopaths get better at their trade. Yes, I call this a trade because they purposely learn how to deceive people. it’s very scary, that you know you have a problem but you try to get better with your problem. The more I educate myself on sociopaths the better I’m prepare to deal with him in court (thank GOD we don’t have kids) and not to fall for someone else like this again. Remember that 1 out of 25 people are socipaths so you might get away from one and fall for another. Be careful people! Because I believe there are different degrees of being a Socipath and I hit number 9! One more thing get counseling if it wasn’t for my counselor I would not have realize what and who I was dealing with. She has been a rock for me I’ve been getting stronger and trying to enjoy life again! Because you are going to have several different emotions and that is normal. But, you need professional help to get pass these feelings. As they say “This to shall pass!”
Like many here, I’m having trouble with there being a “wife” or constant in his life (although to me, he doesn’t claim her). The reality isn’t that she is getting a loving, caring, sexually-engaged better version of him than I’ve had. The reality is, he does this list of things to her, and will do the same to me:
-takes stuff out of their refrigerator/freezer to cook for me
-takes her car to see me/do things with me
-has invited me to their house to cook for me
-takes weekend trips with me
-is over at my house during day while she’s at work
-is over at my house overnight, telling her ??
This is a reminder list to help all of us not miss them… they are not missable…
Regarding Kay’s reply, I had a colleague recommend “.48 Laws of Power” as a guide to success in the workplace. She was a female sociopath – it is much less common among women then men. The book was about how to manipulate others, and felt really heartless to me.
Psychology has a concept of the “dark triad” – three personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy. It’s not necessary to understand all the details – the term is more for the professionals. The reason I remember it was the phrase “Machiavellianism,” called “manipulation and exploitation of others, with a cynical disregard for morality and a focus on self-interest and deception.” (wikipedia)
The manipulation seems to have no purpose. These folks don’t seem to ever get anything out of life – their final testament is simply the wreckage they leave behind. Cobras bite, bees sting, psychopaths wreck. Keep your fingers away from the cage.
Brian, yes, you DO `recover`, we HAVE to….you WILL fall again, nature hates a `void`, we never forget what was done to us, it was SO callous, it defies belief…but, as we survived for a reason, then, we must keep searching for someone who is totally SINCERE with us, not that easy though, but, we are now armed with immunity from those who are FRAUDS. Always now, trust our INTUITIONS. The `red flags` are easy to spot, for us now. Believe in yourself, YOU matter. Do not settle for second best, ever. God bless.
My sociopath ex left me 7 1/2 months pregnant to run off with her meth head ex.
Sorry to hear that Jon! I married my sociopath against my better judgement. Now, he is with his ex. They always go back to there ex, they will go back to you if you allow them. I had to get a burglar alarm system, cameras, and taking all precautions and I still don’t feel safe. My sociopath is on the edge of being a criminal. No, he is a criminal he has broken several laws. I’m not covering up for him anymore. I’m feeling better reading these articles because I know it’s wasn’t me. But, now I’m in fear because we are going through a divorce. I’m hoping the restraining order that is on him will keep him away but he has had an order of protection on him from the ex that he is currently with now!
I doubt very much if my ex (sociopath) will got back to his ex as he took everything she owned and left her begging ME for money! Yes, he left her for me…. or so I thought! Actually, It turned out that I was mearly his next victim as after SEVEN years with him she had run out of funds. He is now moving onto his next poor victim.
Mine destroyed my family told my husband I was cheateing so my husband left me I didn’t know why I fell in
Love with the lieing sociopath con man that said he’d love me for ever and die for me sweet words I didn’t know he was using me du. My husband came back and I confessed to him about the sociopath . Even thow I think my dominicain husband was one as well at least he’d chat and rob me any way long story short sociopath only loved me when I gave him $ bought him dinner I knew it wasn’t right. But I loved him part of me still does I didn’t know what one was and it took me three years to figure it out he was a alcoholic but he was such a lover the most passion I ever had I became a stripper made a bunch of money and flew him too me, sometime he forgot who I was that I saved his life from the crazy husband that tried to Kill him . He was also bipolar I felt bad he was really social and then he would hide, any way one night I came pisst and threw a egg at his door cause he owed me money that he probably was buying pot or drink with , he called the cops on me and said I was stalking him . I was blown away a man that I gave money too helped him get on his feet buy his truck fix his DUI all of it would turn coat , on me I saved his life cooked him dinner and when I realized he was using me. He called the cops and played victim , omg I was a fool I loved him he was all I new of love and he got me pregnant he told me if I kept are child he would quit his job and go to jail . I told him I loved him and I was keeping it and he ran . I found out later I wasn’t the first and I know I won’t be the last . I lost the love I had for my husband and he went off the deep end . Now I’m alone and I took on my three children and strip at night . We can all be fooled but when a sociopath comes around every one loses families can be torn apart , babk accounts emptied . I mean for months he’s tell my husband I was cheating just to make us week so he could have me and when he had me he didn’t want me any more , I was a game he knew I had $ , I found out later that his x girlfriend husband died don’t know if he really fell off the ladder and broke his neck or or if he took his own life . When your a sociopath it doesn’t matter people don’t it’s what they can get out of u is there game. Also found out he had a x in n.y got her preg . Called her a whore sad it wasn’t his and ran I think the family realized he was sick and asked him to go and never come back just another child he won’t clame there’s so much pain that a sociopath can cause there sexy smart and amazing at what they do they sleep with many woman so they know tantra the sex and testosterone can be blinding they know there power and they will use it , it sad but true 3 years and I know that I have love and hate for my sociopath I question my own stance in knowing man can do sick things to a woman and she’s could still love him it’s sad one day I want vengeance the next I want my sickle love I’m a tripple pieces he’s a tripple tauras . I studied a similar chart reanna and Chris brown and I know she’s still loves hers too even thow he beat her for no reason . I wrote a song called I’m in love with a sociopath
Sorry as well I hope your ok stay strong
Wow!! Just WOW!!! I recently broke off a relationship with a man that exhibited all the signs above. Thank goodness it was only for a month and I was able to realize something was wrong early on. But even in a month, he pulled out all the stops. All 18 signs above!!! In one month!!!!! OMG!!! Scary!!!!
Sounds like you might have had a very lucky escape Erika. Go you!! 🙂
What is scary, though, is that, somewhere, ALL these/our EX Ps are doing the rounds….some of us, on here, could actually be describing the same persons..?! I reckon Psycos read posts like these, so that they can be BETTER at being EVIL….:(( I think little kids in school SHOULD be taught about these monsters, I never knew they existed in `society` till I fell in love with one, and nearly lost my life, and my kids. We, as decent people, DESERVE the right to be kept informed, so we know how to guard against, prepare, or act in time, to preserve what we hold dear, our very existence. How come` they` are allowed to just ride off into the sunset, while we have to pick up the very unpleasant pieces left behind, broken hearts are just the tip of their ugly icebergs. I went through hell last year, as a result, I have veered from anger to upset and back again..the damage to my TRUST has been complete. I seem to pick out the slightest `red flag` in others now, and have nothing more to do with them. I don’t know if I fear being alone, as much as I fear letting someone else have the chance to badly humiliate me ever again..? If I let my `fear` live in any future relationship, then, I am not giving my own heart a chance…but….I have been so badly burnt. The hurt he caused me, emotionally was worse than physically/mentally, has affected me, probably for life. 😦
The basic psychological health of a society can be measured in how effectively it protects innocent people from predation.
About 1% of all societies have psychopaths – it’s something bizarre and developmental, I fear, but it’s a hard-wired brain defect. The question is how the rest of the people deal with it.
The modern psychological health of a society can be measured in how people (especially women) can be free and independent AND be protected from predation. The strict Muslim communities lock women away – which is great protection unless the psychopath is at home! Then, it’s hell!!
Using that measure of psychological health, I fear that the US, UK and much of the English-speaking societies (and the rest of the modern world) are mad, mad, mad.
Been in a what a though was a relationship with this guy for just over a year. There were always rumours about him having another girlfriend but when ever i would confront him about this he would get defensive saying that i always choose to belive other people over him etc. I recently found out that it is confirmed that he has had a girlfriend for the past four years. It was easy for him to keep up the lying and the act as she and I basically live in two different parts of the city. I ressenate with almost all 18 signs. The thing that saddens me the most is that, I an a born again christian and he basically did everything i Thought a Godly man is inclined to do. He fasted(or atleast i think he did, can’t be to sure), He prayed with me and for me and we even read the bible together. My mind can not fathom the extent of the lies or how he was able to lie in the presence of God. It doesn’t matter what faith any of you are I’m sure you would preety much feel the same. I encourage you all to know that the sun will come out tomorrow and that everything will get better with times. Pray for your enemies and ask God to help you to forgive them.
Thank you, Carla. Scott Peck wrote a book People of the Lie, which refers to this sort of person. He was a Christian, and he considered sociopaths often to be the source of evil, not just craziness.
I do not know you or your path, but consider that you may have encountered evil in person, and your choice of the other path is more meaningful (although not exactly painless.)
Thank you, I was looking for something like this.
I found people of the lie really difficult to read. I don’t know whether it was my eyesight, or just because it was an old book. I found the writing really small. So I didn’t read it. What did you think of it?
As soon as my daughter gets off my nook I can let you know! Lol. I wasn’t aware such a book existed! I can’t wait!! Hopefully it comes in ebook format. If not, it will be a while I have difficulty with real books 😔! Is this rather old?
Posi – I emailed you a site with samplings from the book for you to muse over as I am in the middle of a few books. – email me back what you think? I wrote the dr name and NIBSIH in the subj.
Yay that is great thank you!! 🙂 I tried to read this book when I was on journey of discovery with my socio (this was one we got from the library)…. I just couldn’t think it was a very old copy on penguin books, small type print.
I will check it out, thanks for sending it to me 🙂
Hope you are good!!
Nikki
I know exactly how you feel. I have just “excaped’ out of a five year relationship and have only just worked it out that I have spent my time with a sociopath. He has been living with me and off me for five years (I am a working (professional) single mom) and all the time he refused point blank to work. His main excuse was, “there are no jobs” He has a drink problem and never knows when to say no to anything! He will take anything from anyone without a second thought. I only really worked it out when he stole my credit card and he said it was my fault! He has no guilt or consideration for anyone or any thing. I was a text book victim. Wooed, charmed, constantly with me, he told me his ex was money mad etc.. I caught him out in lie after lie and his response was to be very verbally abusive to me. In the end I chose to ignore it. I became exasperated trying to get through to him. I threw him out a few weeks ago and although I have spoken to him on the phone he is not showing any remorse whatsoever. In fact, he had managed to ponce a house and some money of a distant relative and told me unless I take him back (now his money has gone that he got from SOMEONE ELSE) not to speak to him again as he wants to move on. (Hmmm, sure he does) I’m still trying to come to terms with this! Not only am I hurt that everything I did for him meant nothing but I am trying to come to term with the fact that have been so stupid and allowed myself to be duped by a con-man. I beat myself up wondering why I didn’t spot this before sooner, but I guess I didn’t want to admit it and ignored it. My advice is – the moment you have a man living in your home and you have to put your hand in your pocket because the guy has no money and won’t work… RUN and save yourself years of heartache and guilt, it will be worth it!
Working out a relationship with a sociopath/psychopath is like working out a relationship with a hand grenade. They will do exactly what they will do. The only way to come to terms with a hand grenade is getting behind a hardened concrete wall. Boundaries and distance save you from shrapnel – and sociopaths. They leave wreckage, and have no remorse. They seek your most precious inner desires – and exploit them. Get behind a wall – and seek medical attention after the blast. Good job, Sara. There are better humans around than that fellow. On behalf of the human race, sorry you met the worst.
Thank you Steve, but there’s no need to apologise for me meeting ‘The worst of the human race’ But it’s a nice thought. I do understand what you mean by, ‘get behind a wall though!’ I think the most hurt comes from the fact – you feel you betrayed yourself. I know mine does. I’m a mixture or anger (at myself) for being so stupid and really angry at him for being the monster he is. A mixed bag really. However, who ever reads this, please take heed that these people have no boundaries, no conscience and for sure no heart and as much as you THINK you can change them YOU CAN”T. They are self motivated greed, laziness and the pure fact they only love themselves. How you feel will not register one iota to these people, in fact they will more than likely tell you IT’S YOU FAULT! Elven last night he called me crowing that he’s got a job in Poland (he is a chef and when in need of his next victim he gets a job so he can meet women – which is really a platform for him to get his next victim) that’s how he met me and his ex! Once he gets his claws in to the victim he is charismatic and charming as well as generous (to begin with) but he can’t hold a job down and before long the victim finds herself with a live in boyfriend who then has to cover all his costs including his drink problem. Once he’s in – the cycle begins! He will begin to use and abuse and drain all her money all the time claiming that there are no jobs and how unhappy he is, even going as far as saying he’s depressed! Meanwhile, the victim believes in the relationship and the promises and strives to make the relationship something near normal… Which of course it isn’t as there is no truth in it and it’s all a ploy on his part to look after HIMSELF. My advice is to anyone in this situation is, get out as soon as you realise that your relationship is all one sided and you constantly have your hand in your pocket. Trust me… I know!
Regards and best, Sarame. Our society – the ‘here and now’ – has lost its self-protective elements that keep these people away from our throats. Now, they are allowed uncomfortably loose rein to wander about and prey on folks. Good-looking, charismatic and charming are elements that open doors without question.
In the business and corporate world, these folks paddle around freely, thriving on gossip, lies and strife. Politics? More of the same. I believe that other cultures make social protection customs that frustrate the predators more than the ‘here and now’ does.
Even for “normies,” there is a frequent message to fake interest in something to get what you want. Whether falsifying resumes, or pretending interest in relationships when sex is desired (or vice-versa), we are accustomed not to be honest in our social dealings in our society. Sociopaths thrive in such a world. Being truthful and/or innocent is somehow worth being scorned – ‘you should have known better, you shouldn’t have trusted your heart,” etc., etc.
The person who is principally the victim in a predatory relationship is usually chastised for being so vulnerable. (S)he does have some responsibility for the awful course of things – but responsibility from bad choices later and from denial, not out of any character deficiency inherent in kindness, honesty or genuine feelings. Don’t beat yourself up for being good.
I don’t know the answer to the problem, but it’s worth noticing that it exists. If our society can’t emotionally protect the decent, it opens itself up to indecency.
It’s a complex issue. When we have greed and agenda at the highest levels, something like this is just not on the radar with respect to large-scale efforts. Even among the health communities, there is apparently no formal support organization. People get scared of being bullied for postulating, then organizing. You can see Positivagirl coming under scrutiny when everyone here says this site is a help. That’s how “help” goes sometimes; it is a fight for what is really worthwhile.
What do you mean jusaurl – coming under scrutiny? From whom?
Ah usually things like that — is based upon jealousy 🙂 I think I guess its a compliment. What matters to me, is that what I write is honest. It makes sense to people. People say that it helps. That is all that is important to me. Who is scrutinising me?
Was referring to some of the comments this past week from those asking about your qualifications/background and not understanding the experience of being with a sociopath without actually having encountered interaction with one. I’m sure as this topic becomes more publicized (and if you publish books), you will come under more scrutiny; it’s just the nature of consequence of speaking out… about anything.
Ah right thanks jusa (and thanks for all the support you give on this site). I think that it is a difficult one. There will always be those people. I had a sociopath email me the other day asking if I wanted to interview a real life sociopath? lol I said why would I want to do that for? 🙂 🙂
I also think that victims understand as well as those who research it. Because they observe it all of the time. The sociopath is great at putting on the mask, but they can’t keep that up 24/7. It always slips – always. So you see different sides that a sociopath would never show to a professional. Also, and more importantly – I think feelings come into it. it is how they make you feel. For example I write about how they control using love and fear. Someone in a professional setting – wouldn’t have experienced or felt it over and over (unless they had been involved as they hadn’t been in love (or had the fake love) that boundary in the relationship was (hopefully) not crossed. I think people can learn a lot from feelings. Someone could argue that you are more likely to be manipulated when emotionally involved. This is true – but also the truth sets you free – when you discover it….I think that is why victims (even on this site) are fantastic at supporting and advising other victims – because we feel it.
So true. It’s the unguarded moments that tell you the most, like when I nearly electrocuted myself only to turn and look at my soc’s unregistering expression. Just didn’t get it until my dad called and, as I relayed the experience to my dad, he responded, “You better be more careful! You could’ve killed yourself!” Only after “appropriate response guidance” was the soc’s sympathetic smile/raised eyebrow expression right.
I really needed to hear this today. My ex sociopath has started texting me and belittling me while he has giving me hope he would pay the bills he owes me for. It has me so upset. I should have kept the boundry
Yes as you know he will never pay back money he owes you. Sadly.
What is the “ruining stage”?
https://datingasociopath.com/sociopath-character-traits/exploiting-the-victims-weakness-to-keep-control/ruining-smear-campaigns-and-third-party-abuse/ does this help at all Rob?
yes, thank you.
It is the stage, whereby HE unwittingly lets his guard down….either through extreme violence or stupidity on his part….and fears the partner will end the `relationship`. This is why they have so many on the back burner….so they have some sort or sexual/residential `escape route`. They are SICKENING.
Good god, you just explained my ex… And everything that happened to me makes perfect sense.. Feel free to check out my blog, I will be posting about my experience soon. Thank you for this!
I will do, thank you 🙂
LMAO, They just described Obama.
Hey, Hey! This is about love relationships! Keep your politics to yourself! Because I can say the same about BUSH (The son)!!!!! Plus, there are a lot of people on here that are from other Countries they don’t want to hear about OUR dirty government laundry! Find another blog to Bit€ . Thank you!!!!
Well If this blog wasn’t about relationships….. truthfully I WOULD write about them in politics (its kind of a passion of mine) I am in UK and they are rife for sure in the UK taking money for themselves and their friends and targeting the poor and vulnerable…..
I WOULD write about it otherwise…. in the UK it is pretty terrible. I don’t know about USA and I don’t know too much about Obama to be able to comment. I am stunned by what is going on in my own country though.
I don’t know too much about Obama and USA politics….. but I could write a book about the politicians in the UK – and definitely some psychos in power.
I understand that! but John is stating that Presidents before President Obama or the people in power now, preventing the government to fully run, do not have these traits! So if we going to put it out there put the whole truth out there! Just like I said there are a lot of people on here that are not familiar with U.S. politics wrong blog!!!
Ummm well it is MY blog… so…. only person that can decide that really is me. 🙂 this is just a blog… my blog…
It can be difficult sometimes as I only write about dating a sociopath — but would love to cover high functioning sociopaths/ psychopaths…. in the workplace its an interesting topic. And one that does affect everyone too (particularly in politics) – and as victims often are left feeling quite isolated and it is difficult to explain to people — politics (as everyone is affected is quite a good way to explain it).
I just haven’t found a way yet to write it – in a universal way – as people who visit this site are from all over the world.
Positivagirl that is why our World is the way it is because the majority of the SP are in power! I just left one I was working for and my ex I just left they both had me loosing my mind like i I was going crazy! Now I’m free because I left that job and divorce my ex! I fee great! No headaches!!!!!
And you have done a wonderful job with your BLOG! It has help me get threw my divorce situation! But you stated you don’t know much about U.S. politics and your a very smart woman. So, I’m sure it’s because it doesn’t effect you! Just like I can say I don’t know much about U.K politics only what I was told in U.S schools. So I’m in agreement you should tackle politics but the whole truth needs to come out! As I was stating earlier about John’s statement lets look at the others who got Us in This mess in the first place!!! With their lies, manipulation, and destruction. That will be a big task to look at it on a Universal level let alone looking at one or two countries. But I’m sure you can do it!!!!! 🙂
Well, I was always interested in politics. But a strange thing happened to me. In early 2010 I went through a severe trauma. I was left – so traumatised that i had no connection to the outside world. In terms of news/politics/the world etc… it just didn’t exist to me. I know that sounds crazy but it is true. I came back in 2013…. (really)… 🙂
When it started to come back I realised that the government had changed in 2010 – from labour to conservative. I was shocked an stunned to learn that there were foodbanks. Not just for homeless people (i had always worked with homeless people so this was normal). But working people also whose wages were so low they couldn’t afford food. Then I saw all the policies targetting the poor and disabled. Controversial policies. At the same time – I realised that I think it is more than 75% of politicians are millionaires – so cuts were made to the poor – taking essentials away from them – and millionaires were given tax cuts. But it is more than that. Every day i read something new. Yesterday I read that shares are being sold for Royal Mail…. (postal service in UK) – BUT – only 70% of those shares can be bought by public – the rest — banks and hedge funds (which politicians probably have some kind of financial interest in) – it seems like they are lining their own pockets…..
There are so many patterns of psychopathic behaviour in power it is stunning – I think it is important as people cannot understand how it feels for a victim who has been targeted but most people can understand politics as it affects them (or so they think) but the government are deliberately keeping house prices high (keeping interest rates low) — so people are deluded into thinking that they are richer than they actually are (as their house is worth a lot) so they think that the economy is better than it is… so they borrow more at low interest rates…..
The truth is that this country (UK is massively in debt) – I could write a book about it. They ‘blame’ ‘deflection’ poor people for the reason why there isn’t enough money ….. but this is stupid. For example they have brought in something people call bedroom tax – which takes money away from the poorest – for housing – yet at the same time are giving away 3.5 billion in home loans secured by the government?
I could write forever about the topic….. they even want to take away all kind of benefits for people under the age of 25 – which is quite a scary concept what will happen to those people. They have brought in new policies which will see people (poorer people) moved out of London. There has been some intervention by human rights campaigners in Europe – as there are accusations of cleansing — of the poorer people. It is really bad here in the UK – but most people cant see it. To me it is clear as day.
Is the same thing happen in USA?
We share some of the same issues, but we also have very different problems:
* Our country is under a government shut down,right now, because both political parties can not come up with an agreement on how to balance the budget and other issues. So, we have hundreds of thousand government employees furlough right now. So, while they are furlough they are not receiving a paycheck we are going into the second week. Awhile the people that are making these decisions are millionaires. But, to make themselves look good they will pay the government employees back pay once they balance the budget.
* Our post office system is ran by the government they keep raising the prices of stamps and threaten to cutback on services.
* Obamacare is forcing benefits on our citizens who can not afford it or don’t want it. While raising insurance prices for everyone else.
*The majority of our lawmakers are wealthy and they get kick backs from lobbyist.
* The United States is in Debt, in the trillions.
* Since the housing market happen in the United States we have more families struggling to make it! We lose equity in our homes, what it was worth in 2006 probably is still not worth it in 2013. The recovery is slowly getting better but we ( 99%) were hit hard with plus, a lot of families lose their homes because they were underwater with their mortgage the house were value more than they were worth.
* Interest rates are low here too but they are slowly climbing. Because we are told that businesses are employing people again, but not at the rate to support the already unemployed and the young people who are going into the workforce.
* As far as running poor people out of the big cities have you ever looked at the real estate in New York City? Here in the United States all the major cities are expensive to live in the closer you are in the center, usually the downtown areas, are not for the low $ income or the low $ middle income.
*Please don’t talk about banks and hedge funds, were just recovering from that situation and its still not 100%
Well just like I said it seems like its getting better in some areas and still challenging in others. But it all can be a delusion!!
Can we please stick to the topic of sociopath ex’s and NOT politics. There are many forums on the internet should you wish to rant about your government’s!
Hey Sarame, what would be your interest in telling people what they can comment about on this site? This isn’t a place for you to gain ‘new stories’ …. (i note that your web address is frontpageagency)
This is a blog. A personal blog – written by me. It is therefore down to me who can write about what they want in comments. As people here have had enough of being told who they can talk to, what they can talk about and living in an emotional prison….. people are able to discuss what they wish.
That is freedom of speech. What isn’t acceptable – is personal attacks and ordering people what to do!!! Please bear this in mind when commenting.
Thank you!! 🙂
How dare you! Who the hell do you think you are? I read your blog as it helped me get over my S ex not to read about your gripe with governments. The blog may be written by you but clearly is designed to be read by others! And for your info, I even passed it on to others. Whatever my website is – is none of you business! BUT I am concerned that we have user names as we don’t want to be identified! You have identified me!! Surely you have a responsibly to respect peoples confidentiality. You’re a disgrace. This is all because I don’t want to read your political views. Yell me? Who was the sociopath in your relationship?!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Excuse me? I have not disclosed anyones private or confidential information?!! If you click on your name it brings you to the website.
Unlike yourself I don’t get paid for doing this. It is just a blog. Not a business for which I get paid. Its just a blog. As for usernames this is to do with wordpress. Not me.
If you don’t want to read anyones political views – you dont have to read the website.
Let me make this very clear to you. I AM NOT OR HAVE NEVER ASKED OR WANTED STORIES FROM THIS SITE. You have not got a clue about me so stop making assumptions. I read this site looking for help for personal reasons. And as it happens I found extremely useful! However, you seem to have a problem with people making money! Get over yourself!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
I will repeat the same thing to you. As you do seem to be struggling with what I am saying.
As long as there is no personal attacks here…. people are quite welcome to write what they like on the comments section. They can ask how you are feeling or even what did you have to eat for dinner?
As this is my blog. The only person to change that – is me. Sociopaths also comment here sometimes. That is fine with me also.
I set out with an aim – to write about everything that I searched for. To have that information in one place. To write everything that I knew – and to focus on healing and recovery. (I don’t have to allow any comments at all).
In that sense – I have achieved that aim. Considering I started this blog in Feb 13 – it is now in top half a million websites in the world. Also – I had severe chronic PTSD – with no connection to the outside world from Jan 10 – March/April 2013….. to me it is quite an achievement. As prior to this date for 3 years….. the world literally didn’t exist to me. The cognitive processing in my brain stopped working (I would struggle with the most basic information)….This was quite remarkable – as in 2010 my daughter had died – and during a fight in the hospital to have a C section – I changed rights for women to have choice at birth. For all women in the UK. But I had no concept of this at all – despite it was on the news. Despite they sent me NICE guidelines….At least not until this year fully – again… something else that was quite remarkable. What a shame I was too traumatised – I missed it….
As I was writing during a time – when I had lost myself – was gone totally for 3 years due to trauma (and abused during this time)….. its an achievement for me.
Unfortunately I had to give up work – but I had always all of my working life – worked to help other people. I was too ill to work. But my desire to help other people is still the same. I have one no make that two rules for people writing in the comments section.
1. No personal attacks on anyone
2. Be yourself – and as long as you write from your heart – what does is matter – there are no other rules!
So – maybe I am touche about the subject – of what I write on this site. It means a lot to me. Right now I am coming to the end of a very long legal case. So I can say little – but I know that there are still women out there in UK (and around the world) that are stuck in trauma – and not able to get help or support. Mostly due to lack of understanding of it and the severity of it by the medical profession (in UK) I think in USA its understanding is more advanced.
In my heart – once this legal case is over. I want to help those women. When people are stuck in trauma – they have no voice – they are vulnerable – and they certainly are at risk of meeting people who can abuse them. There is little that they can do about it.
So — should I really get over myself? Or should I not have to think about petty arguing on a blog? …. my focus is to help other people. I hate the emotional prison that sociopaths create – I know more than anyone the effects of this – as normally I probably wouldn’t have been the type for a sociopath to pick. (probably because I wasn’t just ‘nice’) …. Because i was traumatised – and because I had worked with people all of my life and behaviour….. I was able to watch the sociopath behaviour with a depth of analysis that most people wouldn’t. This is where my blog came from.
So perhaps I should ‘get over myself’? But I don’t think so… I think I should carry on doing exactly what I am doing. To not be bullied by anyone – its my blog. Therefore I get to make the rules!!! 🙂
You know…. after the last 4 years of my life…. its actually really nice to have the freedom to do so!! 🙂
I think you have done a great job with the blog and it has certainly helped me a lot. I thank you for that. I’m also sorry to hear you have trauma. I wish you success in your court case too. However, you are not the only one to have been through trauma. We all have our fair share! I too changed the law for women’s rights. It was I who spent 12 years of trauma and heart break changing the law through my court case. I can assure you, you are not on your own.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
See – there you are – we have more common ground than you think!! 🙂
I do have reasons – if I fight for something there is a reason for that. It is never for me to be dogmatic and controlling. I am not like that. There is a reason behind it.
I feel really strongly in open communication and freedom of speech as I had no voice for such a long time. Ironically – people on the outside probably thought that I did. But I didn’t.
I spent a lifetime working with homeless. Helping them with their voice. A conversation can sometimes start with one voice about one subject – and quite quickly turn to a spark of inspiration and understanding about something else…..
A bit like this conversation – and now we have learned what we have in common 🙂
It is MY JOB as in my occupation to help people get their voices heard. So yes! We have a lot in common.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Maybe once you have calmed down…. in a few months – as you say I have helped you. Maybe you will be able to help me – to help other people.
I want to use this – to do other work. I constantly come across people who are still stuck in trauma and desperate for help. Their brain frozen in shock just like mine was. The effect for me – was destruction of my life. In every single area. I am determined – that this will not be in vain. That everything in life happens for a reason.
It can be terrifying being in a relationship with a sociopath – magnify that by a million when you are so traumatised – that the outside world does not exist. The sociopath then has you completely under their control. There is no way to escape. Of all the losses I have experienced in those 4 years – there was no greater loss – than losing myself.
I know this….. so in my heart …… is the will to help other people to find themselves. To do all that I can to help people to understand the truth – and the reality. For people to find support. To be believed. To feel heard and understood. That they are not alone.
THIS is what is important. The posts alone are focused on dating a sociopath. What is written in the comments section….. is written by the community. As long as there are no personal attacks…. people can write what they want. If it helps them to come back to normality – to connect to what is real…. this is important.
It is important to me – because for more than 3 years – I had no idea that government had changed. I had spent the year before analysing psychopathic behaviour. With no idea that government had changed. As I worked my life – with homeless people. It was quite a shock when I came back. When I saw policies that were at best draconian and in some senses cruel. Ironically – despite that i had worked all of my life (I had to give up a job I was in for 10 years in 2012)….. I was now on the other side of the fence. Through no fault of my own.
At the same time – the year before I had been focusing on psychopathic behaviour. So …. when my brain started to come back when I saw the change in government – I was ‘frightened, alarmed and distressed’ that is how I felt. It was quite a shock for me at the time.
Most people wouldn’t have noticed it as they hadn’t been away for 3 years. I had. most people wouldn’t have studied psychopathic behaviour. I had. Some people might not like it. But — for too long I had no voice. I now have a voice. I will use it. I will encourage others to use theirs too. In whatever way they see fit. As long as they allow the same freedoms to other people.
And this – is why it is so very important to me.
Again, I’m sorry to hear about your trauma. I am ‘possibly’, (due to my occupation) in a position to help you, if you so wish.
I was with a Sociopath (in every way you have accurately described) for five years – I DO know what its like and the addiction, hurt and pain it brings with it.
I think you have done a BRILLIANT job with this blog, it has helped me through a very difficult time. And for that, I thank you.
However, reading whether the rich are getting richer or gas bills are going up or down or whether Obama is a nice man or not is of no consequence to me when the reason I want to or indeed NEED read your wise words are because I’m the recent victim of a sociopath and feel broken!
Rant over!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
I know. I understand. Sociopaths can completely wipe you and your world. Everything in your world. It impacted every area of my life. It can be hard slog to rebuild afterwards as well (especially is the sociopath won’t let go – or you have children together) – you are left picking up the pieces and often they continue to do damage to your life -until you have no life left… after it is over. I know how frustrating that can be.
The hardest and confusing part is – is that its not him won’t let go. Its me!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
I think that this is common too. As they deliberately create addiction and dependency. Because they ‘mirror’ you. At first they assess you – they find that space between –
– what you say you are
– What they see that you are
They fill that gap…. you can feel like you have a part of you that is missing. Like they have stolen a part of you. This is the illusion that they create. Additional to this – they deliberately say the right things to be the perfect person. This is manipulative. How you feel – right now I think is common (if the break up is recent)…. this is why we say – NO CONTACT
This means
Block their social media (as they will play the game on it to make you jealous)
Block their number
Block their email
This will empower you. It is tough to do this -esp if you dont want it to be over – you just want them to be the fake person that they were faking to be – you still want the illusion.
Read the articles in healing and recovery – esp the 5 stages of healing and the grieving process – grieving the person that you thought they were (this one is important) as it can be difficult to come to terms that they are not the person that they faked they were.
No contact can be painful at first. But it will help you to focus on yourself (otherwise your energy goes into thinking they might come back)…. by focusing on no contact – what you effectively do is to start the bereavement process – as if they have died. Which – if they are a sociopath – they have died. as they are not the person that they faked they were to you.
Also read the post – about finding the person in the mirror. As afterwards this is another thing that can hold you back from moving on (feeling that they have a part of you – and that you were bettter with them) – this isn’t true. You are whole as you.
No doubt he exploited your weaknesses – used information that he already knew about you – to play the game – and this can keep you attached.
No contact is the way to go (even if you have the pain of silence and him ignoring you) by blocking him – in your mind what you are doing is blocking him you are taking back control over you.
Remember – he was just a mirror image of you…. so if there were parts that you loved…. those were the parts that are still inside of you. That is all that sociopaths are – mirror images of others. So really you have lost nothing at all….
As you said you read my blog because it helped you get over your S ex??? Well so then you benefited from it. Instead of thanking me for that…. you attack people for making comments because YOU don’t want to read it??
I tried if you read previous comments, Positivagirl asked me a question and I answered it for her! That’s the least I can do for her, since she takes the time to answer everyone’s questions about their issues with SP! Keep doing what you do Positivagirl!! I support you!
Thanks Kay – I quite like politics – I wondered what was going on over there and if it was as bad as it is in the UK.
Does make me wonder as well about the level of understanding about psychopathic behaviour. There is a lot of talk about it here in relation to politics too.
Compliments, positivagirl!
Someone told me a long time ago – you can’t set boundaries ***AND*** make people happy at the same time.
This is your blog. Good boundary setting!
Any healthy place where people can discuss boundary setting and control – even if it makes the participants tense – is good for everyone involved, in my humble opinion. It’s a “vaccination” against the same stuff on the outside world.
I know its a delicate balancing act. I guess I am not too good at rules and regulations. But I do think that there are people here who have lived in an effective emotional prison. I think that people should be able to be who they want. To discover themselves and not feel bad for doing so. Especially here. I have one rule – no personal attacks…. against anyone else. Just have respect for other people. Even if you do not agree with the view don’t attack the person. That isn’t too difficult. I would hope.
Besides…. politics…. there is a lot that goes on in the political world…. I can be useful to look at it – without the emotional involvement. Its an interesting world huh? 🙂
Yes – the UK is in debt in the trillions too…. wages are going down – rich are getting richer…… but hey – house prices are stable. So reminds me of the emperors new clothes… 🙂
Good to know. I have another question – what creates a sociopath? Is it being over-spoilt by the mother, who may herself be in an abusive relationship?
That is the conclusion I came to re. a sociopath I dated … his father had been abusive toward his mother then left, the mother then weirdly recreated the situation with her own son – allowing him to bully her to have any demand met and therefore he learnt through childhood that people were to be used for what they could supply. That’s how I saw it. His mother had low self-esteem so he looked to date someone who had similar issues because he had already had a whole childhood learning how best to manipulate that type of person and was consequently expert at it.
It could be possibly Christine – but also I think it is well documented that people choose in their partner (or at least search for) someone who is like the opposite sex parent. I think that is true for everyone. Socio or not.
I do think that childhood does play a big role. For some reason some people are affected by childhood – others deal with it – move on and become different people.
Psychopathy is considered a personality disorder, and is generally considered innate. They are generally born that way. That being said, there are different degrees of intensity in the disorder amongst different people. But there is no way to “undo” psychopathy and sociopathy with training, modeling or empathy.
Well think this has just helped me figure out the most gorgeous, charming man i have met……he does show most of the traits from above. I met him 6 months ago was seeing him for 3 then i decided to get rid due to his never ending promises. Sat and cried for days at the thought of not seeing him again, just about got myself ok after 2 months, had a blip one evening and texted him he came and picked me up in the hour i felt amazing the minute i got in his car “missed you loads babe” he makes me melt…..but just up to his usual tricks again ignored me for 3 days promised me the world again. Im sat sulking again trying to make excuses for him in my head but i know soon as he calls i’ll be up n running round to look good just for him………dont know how to stop myself bein so madly in love with him :-\
No CONTACT is the only way forward Ruby. To stop the pain you need to stop playing the game. It does work at first but what is hurting you so much is being treated in a way that makes you feel worthless. No contact will help you find your strength and self worth.
Believe me, that `feeling` will soon fade away, bit by heart breaking bit, when, for you, the `penny` will finally drop, that he is just using you to boost HIS EGO. When you are not around, there are PLENTY of willing women to fill the void, good looking men ARE A MAGNET for women, regardless of his having a regular `gf` or not. I had to learn the hard way, same as you, I even had to stop going anywhere in public with my S ex, because of the extent of his ATTENTION seeking from ANY passing females about, I was ALWAYS feeling humiliated and upset. He was definitely NOT fussy, and stayed in touch with any exes of his who did not hate him, he has ENDLESS women mates,no guy ones, does NOT work much, unless its to find new partners(mugs) in far off Eastern countries. He always runs off to live with his mother, when he becomes DUMPED and homeless again. I think, deep down, that we cannot accept the fact that the one our heart had `chosen` to love is a FRAUD. Would we honestly ever treat our loved ones with such utter contempt….? It seems that, for a lot of us, we were simply added to their flourishing list of `conquests`….:( The longer you allow him to treat you badly, the more upset you will stay, NC is hard, its the only way to move on, he is not your BF in the true sense of the word, you are allowing him to waste your precious time, while he gets on with enjoying his own…After him, you will be ADEPT at `spotting`some similar traits in others…as I have done, since my SP ex, to spare your heart from more of the same..:(
They have a way of planting a “hook” in their victims, that is why no contact is so important. I have heard that you can have the cell phone company block you from calling or texting a number, and while that sounds silly, most of us who have ended relationships with a sociopath that we have those weal moments when we want to reach out.
My therapist repeatedly told me that she feared for my safety in dealing with a sociopath boyfriend. I now know what she mean, and in many contexts. Some are capable of doing physical harm. Actually, they may all be capable, but some are clever enough to get away with it. Even if that is not the case, the constant chaos, questioning yourself, and roller coaster of emotions can cause serious problems to your health. The chronic stress can lead to many severe health problems.
If you believe he is a sociopath please pull out all your stops. Make a plan for yourself. Ask your friends and family for help, get the number block, see a therapist about it. It will only get worse over time. He has a Hook in you and you will need all the support you can get, the sooner the better.
My last one was getting physical at the end. Then lied to police. The final time was just incredible he attacked me then faked I attacked him. They really are messed up.
is it just me or is every sociopath described here a man
No…. not at all, there are a lot of victims of female sociopaths also here.
The prevalence of sociopaths in the general population is around 1%-5% depending on the definition. I believe that approximately 90% of sociopaths are male. Research is being done into the gender differences in sociopathy.
Then again…If you get hit by the only train on the tracks, it doesn’t hurt less…
The final part of your comment made me smile Steve!! 🙂
Also, it IS worth noting, that MOST Psycos are on Dating Sites, they need an ever supply of willing `targets`, and the world is a pretty big place to find them, all neatly sent to their mobile phone/s discreetly answered while they just `nip` to the loo,again and again… or, during the early hours or whilst at `work`, or, while they tell you to sit yourself down, while they go off to the kitchen to make you a nice cup of tea, with the door tightly shut…..:(
I have been married to my husband almost 4 years and i now realize this man is a sociopath. When i started finding out things about him i got so scared i didn’t know what to do. This man has cheated on me through my entire marriage. Telling women he loves them and want to marry them after sleeping with them a day or two after meeting them, either online or in the club. Now mind you he’s already married. The lies he tells are incredible, i have never come across anyone that can make up a story that quick and he truly believes the lies he tells. He wants to be the center of attention, he wants to be the best in bed, truth be told i have never had sex that was that good in my life. He says the right things to convince you he is for you, he has money, he has the big house, he’s the perfect man. This man has totally destroyed my life and left me with 2 kids. He has stolen from me, ran up bills and refuse to pay any of them to the amount of over 100k. His appetite for sex is unbelievable, i got so tired of hiding my credit cards, i got so tired of the lies, the cheating and the abuse. After having our second child he packed his bags and left. I was hurt because I couldn’t understand how a man could walk out on his kids, no remorse no care in the world. He to this day is cold and just don’t care about what he does or how anything affects his kids. This man is also a serial cheater and will sleep with multiple women without protection, his ultimate goal is to catch you with the sex but he has no concept that he is having unprotected sex. He wants everyone to believe he has money but he cannot keep a job to save his life. This man has totally bankrupt me while driving around in an very expensive car that he probably conned women to get the down payment. He has definitely found himself another victim because I refused to give him anything or pay anything so he packed up and left. I am still standing after almost 6 months of him not being around. I’m not even sure i want him around his kids because of the behavior he exhibits and I am on my way to a divorce…all i do is thank god for getting me out of this. It will be a struggle with two kids but i would rather do that than to stay stuck with a man that has no remorse for anything he does and lives a life of nothing but a lie. I was not sure what a sociopath was but after reading the information on this site i am married to one. This man has every single sign of what is posted on this site. I am going to count my blessings and keep it moving.
Hope your still doing well!
I am very SUSPICIOUS of your username…hmmmmmm….?????
Around the time I signed up for this site, my daughter (12) and I got into a huge debate, she stated normal is boring, I said there is nothing wrong with boring, (I crave to be boring, normal). She told me normal is boring, like brown, (a muted dull color to her), To which I had to laugh, I said if we were all the same then we would all be boring, like brown, then yes we would all be boring, until then I will just have to be content to listen to stories of others with boring lives, because I personally have never experienced it my self. A brown boring life, I’ve only heard of it. I pray it happens soon. But what makes you so suspicious?
Well, this is the most boring thing I’ve ever read, so you are getting there. Well done!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
This is a personal attack
YAWWWWNNN! Boring!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
It is pretty dumb posting personal attacks to people from your WORK email. Unprofessional too.
What is this issue with this? It is the second time now. Sorry, but as I told you before, I won’t have people personally attacking people here. I will block you if you continue. Thank you!
I’m entitled to my opinion as you are yours! Also, someone who calls others boring is a personal attack. And fyo, this is not my work email. Do you not get tired of thinking you know everything? We have all been victims and have been hurt by SP’s, that’s why we are here. The last thing we need is to be insulted and dictated to by you! Can we stick to the matter in hand, PLEASE?!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
i am currently living in ireland and was involved with a man who is a sociopath, im in bits and all i want to do is get even with his lies and what he has done to me over the last 5 years, i just recently found out that he is married. His poor wife has no clue what a monster she is dealing with. I have never in my life met anyone so cruel in my life. I could actually write a book of what I went through, thank god i found out, but he is still cheating on his wife, and no one has the nerve to let that poor woman (his wife) know.
Believe me, she DOES know….It is impossible to be that gullible……???
….I just separated from a girl whom I think is a” sociopath”. I saw her shrink as I was heart and went there for a couple’s therapy why didn’t then give an honest advice to me so i could be saved from her, if I suppose she knew who she (my ex) was. Why did just shut up they mouth and allowed me to continue with her?
I remember when I caught her as we were living with her and it was her place she said to me “why you are still here if you know she cheated on me”. That hurt me even more as I was trying to see if may be we/I could work things out.
I am truly hurt i wanted to get married to her despite her other red flags. Sorry for any grammar or spelling errors as English is not my first language.
It has only being over a month
If the shrink was your girl friends shrink and you attended a couple of sessions with her, the shrinks obligation is to her, and they would not be allowed to tell you even if they knew she is a sociopath. From your post, it sounds a bit like this is the situation.
If the 2 of you went for couples counseling for 2 sessions, and the shrink had not bet her before these 2 times, they may not have known that she is a sociopath. Remember, sociopaths are very clever.
I am really concerned for you-you state that you still want to marry her despite the red flags. Please think about what the future will hold. Please get your own therapist to help you work through the issue of wanting to marry someone who behaves badly and hurts you so much. You deserve much better.
I was married to a sociopath and when he knew I figured him out he had already started seeking out his next victim. His exit was not good at all he left after he convinced and had his claws into another that participated in the pure nightmare I endured from the day he left.
The lies and character assassination that was done to me was unbelievable and I was shocked how many people bought his lies and stories.
I avoided him at all costs ended up caught up in a legal legal battles due to false charges he filed against me. I was accused of stalking when he was the one doing the stalking. There is so much to tell I there is no way I can write it all on here. If I put it all together I could have a full book.
The problem I encountered and realized they never give up, maybe for a awhile until they exhaust all other options and victims, so they seek you out again. He found me years later and out of pure fear I met with him one day I still do not know why. I guess I figured if I was “friends” with him I was safe after everything he did and I still believed that, oh how wrong I was.
He got me hook line and sinker but this time I also compiled enough information to protect myself, I hope. I learned from the last time around document everything for proof, because no matter what no one will believe what you say about them anyways, not even their therapists they play them also. They play their therapists as if it is entertainments they do not even care if they diagnosis them, they just use it later as an excuse and for sympathy.
Well this time around I am really mad at myself for being such a fool, but in another way it confirmed to me what I thought the first time around, he is a sociopath. Confirmed the question was I wrong? Did he really love me? Was he really this heartless cold person? Well I now have closure and the answer he never loved me I was right and yes he is a cold heartless person.
I am getting ready to get out of this and have been planning and getting outside help to protect me from what ever he may do, because this time he is unprepared and has no idea.
I have been pushed to the point if I do not get away it will destroy me beyond repair. I have tried to play into his games and act like I am sorry when I did nothing, take care of him ect, and the whole time making my escape plan.
The recent problem I was pushed to the edge not to long ago with his relentless mind games and told him to to get out big mistake I started to see the old games pick up and also noticed him secretly starting his search for his next victim. He has also picked up on being overly nice and affectionate to me trying to pay a lot of attention to me, except this time he can not figure me out and it is not working and very obvious, but I will not let on that I know what he is doing.
They are good at what they do with no remorse, accountability at all they do not care about anyone but themselves. They are dangerous and ruin so many lives and leave so many people in emotional and financial ruin. He is also worried because in the area we live many people are starting to him as less desirable so he keeps saying he wants to move get away. He wants a new state and new victims who will believe all his lies.
I was smart this time in some way in other I should have ran the other way when he contacted me. This time I have my money hidden and act like I have nothing at all, last time he sucked me try financial and left me with nothing.
Do to my training and education I am the last person you would think would get sucked up by someone like this, but I did and for a second time they are that good, he is that good.
I am scared but wont show it because I know when he realizes its over without warning he is capable of anything.
I will warn many woman he is on all of the social net works and dating sites, he puts up fake profiles, his picture is of him but the rest is all lies. He seeks out woman he feels are emotional unstable, broken, with small children those he feels are helpless, will pay for everything believe is pity story and victim story. He will shower them will his charisma, affection, use his good looks and charm and talk to you for hours trying to learn about your deepest secrets, fears and insecurities, just to use it all against you, to break you down and gain control until he uses you up and leaves you a broken alone emotional mess questioning your own sanity.
He always goes back to his former victims just like me over and over because he is that good. He is good looking and has a personality that makes him seem like every women’s dream man, NOT!
I may sound like I have it all figured out, but at the same time I know I may not and I am afraid of the unknown what is to come when he is told its over. I am ready to face it because I can not live like this he is sucking the life right out of me. He has escalated and become really strange and his anger is worse than I have ever seen and this time I feel he could do anything if he feels cornered with no other options.
Ready to Run can you describe what he looks like or what state his dating profiles are in so we can all avoid him? I met mine on match.com and so it seems there a lot of them on these sites
Mine was on Uniform Dating, Plenty of Fish, Marriage.Com, Polish and other Continental Sites. Ukraine, Romainia, all over really..:(
Ready to Run, your husband sounds like my Ex husband SP. Your not alone! Be careful! If he doesn’t have something set up he will flip!!!! Make some plans of your own. I don’t know your living situation but a restraining order is good, maybe thinking about moving to another city, depending on laws in your country or state firearms are not a bad idea. You have to think crazy right now on what would he be capable of doing and protecting yourself accordingly. I had to change my life too, but I was bless he had another victim. So, he would have kept us both too but I busted him with the other person. He was very upset, he tried to make my life miserable but instead I didn’t respond to nothing that he would do and he got bored because I was playing his games anymore. So, he actually moved on. My counselor helped me with that strategy if you ignore them they will get bored!!!! You have to assess your situation!!!
I will say this much……The MAD CRAZY eyes during a Psycotic abusive attack….will haunt me forever
Helen,
I know it’s like they have totally lost control of there functions! There are no reasoning with them at this point. They have an agenda and they are going to fulfill it!!!! But, what scares me to is when they snap out of it like nothing has happen!!!!!
The Eyes…. That’s a common observation by many persons about the psychopaths – reptilian eyes, dead eyes. For some poor people, it’s the last thing that they’ve seen on on this Earth, sadly. I’m interested in who’s experienced that – who’s seen The Eyes? Because if we have a good description of that, it belongs in the list perhaps, I suppose – or at least in the RUN GIRL RUN list. (or run boy run, not to be sexist.)
I’ve seen those eyes several times! They look straight at you! Cold, very cold!
NEVER NEVER NEVER let yourself be ashamed of getting the hell out of a bad situation. Running never shows weakness of character, childishness, or all of the crap they will throw at you – to keep you in their clutches. If you suspect (s)he is dangerous, you are probably correct.
You don’t have to run with grace, or class, or anything. If your instincts say run, you really should run. Calling someone a “COWARD” is probably one of the classic M.O.’s of entrapment. That’s wrong.
Run, girl – RUN! No matter where you go, it’s probably safer than THERE. If you ever have to see the SP, keep a witness on-hand, and a concrete wall between you.
Don’t fight back – don’t warn others (unless they come to you.) It’ll suck you back in. They want engagement – even hostile engagement. Give them nothing but a boundary – a concrete wall.
Ready to run- I just wanted to say that some sociopaths will keep returning to their victims, others will stay gone for ever and never speak to you again. It may be their own patterns, or it may be that they will have no more contact when the victim tells them that they know he is a sociopath. But it could go either way.
You said that you had contact again because you wanted to know if he really loved you. I understand this completely. I have returned to a sociopath relationship in hopes of discovering the truth. I did discover some truths, others are still summations. It may be that hope or discovering the truth that is the hook in us, they are not worth our efforts. Anyone that treats us badly is not worth our efforts.
When I read your words that said that you discovered that he did not love you, a bell went off in me-from my own experience. We want to know if they really loved us, and if they did not, then it was all an act. Then I think some of us have the tendency to think that he did not really love us, then we are not lovable. I just realized that I have not felt lovable since I ended it 3 yrs ago. That is just so not the truth. Trying to get love out of a sociopath is like trying to get cash out of a turd. They do leave us feeling emotionally broken. I do not think trying to out game a sociopath is a good idea. They are always dangerous. We can never figure them all out.
Please get out safely. It sounds like he is living with you. Do you have a friend or relative that could come and stay with you for awhile? The only way to outsmart the sociopath is to have no contact.
Positivagirl! I met another SP who is changing, or he thinks! I met this man in a bar, we started talking he seem like he was very nice! FINE as Hell!!!! We exchange numbers he called me yesterday. He started telling me about what and how he use to be and that he has GOD in his life. Well as I’m listening to him he started talking about getting even with people, womanizing, how he always had to win. After that I started telling him about other traits that he displayed, before he changed 😉 right!!! He thought it was interesting that I could read him like a book or his old self! I told him that he displayed the traits of a SP. he wanted us to go out to dinner, it was tempting but I said a SLOW no, remember FINE AS HELL! But I have to keep reminding myself he is CRAZY AS HELL TOO! 🙂 I really think he sees me as a challenge in his game since I know so much about him, he might want to see if I ALLOW him to play his game s with me!!!! Any advise????? What are the chances, this was the first weekend I actually hung out, I enjoyed myself met up with a old friend had lunch with her, went to a football game , and hung out at the bar where I met a SP!!
Oh girl DON’T DO IT. These people are just too much work. I just got out of a year and a half relationship because the SP I was dating was cheating on me, which I think he would have continued to keep both of us if I had not found out. He fits about every trait on the list: never has a long term-job, very good-looking, sexual, highly affectionate, immature, irresponsible with finances, doesn’t have any true friends, rambles on and on, thinks he is “amazing” yet, has low self-esteem, charming, constant need for stimulation, ect. It took me this long to actual label it, I just knew something was not right. I have never had so much drama, and just when you think they are changing, it comes right back up. He rushed everything in the relationship, becoming bf/gf, saying I love you, staying the night. I felt like everything was on his time or else I was a heartless cold person, because he was manipulative. Now I am left with a broken heart and greatly missing the attention/affection/sex but, I know in the long run this man would have driven me to a loony farm. No one person can handle a long-term life with these people, they are draining in so many ways. It is hard to see because their other traits try to hide their crazy traits. I believe people can change but, a personality like this takes a long time to change. And if you are looking for someone to be there for you during a rough patch, it won’t be them, the will pull the focus back on themselves.
Thanks Holly, I knew this man was toxic and he was! He gaslighted me at the very beginning but he changed! I had a stress headache which i havent had since me and my SP ex husband broke up. . But, he gaslighted me so bad i was like dont call me no more!!!!! He changed his tone and was very controlling. I just got out of a marriage to a SP! Once I realize that this man I met in the bar was really a SP he wasn’t all that attracted anymore. I’m glad that I was able to see him for what he is because of people like you and this blog. I had the strength to leave him alone and no be tempted by his charm and looks!!!!
You go girl! I am so glad you didn’t get too involved. Someone saved is what I like to hear, these people are so much drama! Ugh, good for you
Sociopaths do not change. It’s psychologically impossible.
Rattlesnakes do not turn into kittens. If you want a rattlesnake, get a rattlesnake.
If you want a kitten, do NOT get a rattlesnake and wait for it to change. Rattlesnakes bite. Now that you know it, it’s no longer HIS FAULT! You signed up for it.
Please explain all you know about gaslighting – it’s a fascinating concept.
I met this man a couple of months ago that asked me out. It turned out that he had been my childrens principal in elementary school 15 yrs ago and I was kind of indifferent about really liking him. So I went out with him. He started wanting to see me everyday, texting and calling regularly. We did not have much in common but a little bit. He kept saying how we have so much in common. (ya, divorced and kids). I could see he is a compulsive gambler quickly, wanting to take me to Atlantic City. I limited seeing him to 2-3 times a week. We were not intimate. He shared confidential information. I started seeing the red flags of a sociopath which I wont go into. I trusted my gut and ended it abruptly. In the past month, I have run into a couple of aquantances and in chit chat mentioned him. OUCH-bad news. One friend is a realtor-she said that his ex wife was buying a house and he wanted to see where they were moving so met the realtor at the house with his 2 teens. He criticized the kids horribly and drove off, leaving the teens stranded with the realtor.
Always trust our gut. It may not make complete sense at the moment, better safe than sorry.
Gas lighting is a form of emotional abuse, they try to confuse you with information that have been told to you or facts that you already know. When you don’t believe them or you question them they continue to lie about it. They make you out to be crazy like you don’t know what you are talking about! For example this guy ask me out to dinner for Friday. The next time I talked to him it was going to his apt for drinks! When I question him about what happen to going out to dinner on Friday. He was like going to his apt is going out; he also express that he don’t like going out but that wasn’t what you said the day before and I met you out the week before. When I continue to question or didn’t go for it his whole attitude change and not for the better. While the whole time I’m developing a stress headache as soon as I told him don’t call me anymore and I got off the phone with him my headache went away!!!! The confuse you and cloud your mine with mess (bullshit) so you can’t think for yourself.
It also seems plausible that this particular example reflects manipulation. Soc’s are lazy and like to get by with as little effort and expense to themselves as possible. In their mind, YOU are the resource, therefore YOU should be the one doing the giving. Watch the context of what he originally offers vs. the context of the change up (or gas lighting). He may’ve needed to coax you back into spending time with him because he did something sleazy or disrespectful that you caught him out on the week before, so the dinner invite is a gimme to get back in your good graces. Once he feels pretty solid about his ability to manipulate you, he may reduce the “offer” (or void it entirely, if he can get away with it, thinking you are already “his”) to something of lesser value.
Jusagurl, that’s a good way of looking at it. That they are lazy, my SP ex husband was always trying to show he was helpful and not lazy but in all terms he was because he would do a have ass job, and than get upset if he thought you did a have ass job on something! T
He want me to put in more effort in everything but he do half ass work and get mad if you comment on his half ass work. But he gave the illusion that he was just this wonderful person that knew what he was doing. But, there were many of times I had to get somebody to clean up his mess!!! But, he would also act like he doing you a favor!!! Go figure!!!!
This is an awesome example!! I love it!!
`normalisboringsoiheard` ……Methinks YOU are being SARCASTIC…..hmmmmm….gleaning more `tips` are you…???????
Helen, gas lighting for people who are not as familiar with the language or proper terminology need more layman terms or a different way to explain the situation to someone, the example which was provided was absolutely the perfect way to explain to someone who is unfamiliar. I apologize my verbiage offends you. But I am offended you feel I have an ulterior or selfish motive which I don’t.
What a patronising, boring person this is.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
This is a personal attack
No! Its my comment to your rude comment!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Umm, no I wasn’t even online it was to ‘normalisboringsoiheard’
So it wasn’t in response to me. I wasn’t even here!
Yes, it was in response to ‘normalisboring’ I think we have crossed wires here, positivagirl! She’s out of order – I think people on here have been hurt enough without her patronising people. Some of the comments have helped me a great deal, particularly your advise. But, normalisboring is not helping in the slightest. I doubt its of any importance to anyone who has been a victim and hurt by a SP whether she is interesting and not boring!! You are doing a great job with this blog and I’m sure many people have been helped by it. I for one have. Keep up the good work.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
She doesn’t patronize people at all?? Yet another personal attack.
You have your opinion – I have mine. Leave it there!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
I think without offence I am going to block you from commenting
Yes, he was using manipulation too. He told me that I’m not giving him a chance that I’m holding his past against him. Now remember I just met this man and he was telling me about his ways which were traits of a SP. But according to him I’m holding that against him! I was like HELL yes. You can’t change and you won’t. But, being human it is hard to still believe there are so many people out there that are SP. I know I’m stronger that I don’t and won’t deal with this type of behavior from a man or anybody else. I glad that I’m able to see the red flags before I get involve. And I don’t feel bad to tell them to kick rocks it actually felt good!!! I’m not going to second guess myself anymore or let anyone make me feel less value that my feelings don’t count because they do!!!! We have to all be strong, what were the chances of me getting out again and I run into a true SP, after my divorce from a SP!
Lol, wonder if that guy you met goes by the username of `normalisboringsoiheard`……………?
Helen,
First of all I am female, maybe you need to go back and read some old posts. From feb of this year. Before you go around offending people.
Thank you.
Oh I forgot to mention they hide , they run they try to get drugs and acholhol it’s about greed what they can get out of u no matter who there hurting I knew a man that killed himself cause he was using his wife for sex and trying to get her and her money, there very sick and verry dangerous , no remorse some go from woman to woman asking the woman if they will take care of them . There sick and sad I can only prey god let them see the light . We live in a would where humans can be very sick and sad creatures and woman can be compleat fools I know I was one
Oh and they will be that fake person as long as they can get money food clothing . As long as the money’s there thell keep u but cut them off and they will cut u off don’t let them have unprotected sex that’s the worst thing u can do cause no only they will give u a desease but if they get u pregnent they will run
At least I can see more clearly now my sociopath was sexy and smart in my eyes but I loved him or at least I loved one of him mine was two people he alway hide one in silence he like the money the gifts the attention. Any way one said he was ugly had only one front tooth I didn’t think a man like that would ever let me go . But when I found out how sick he was it was over I had no choice but to try to carry the baby he oft me with . I became so stressed after he left after he found out I was pregnent that I miscarried owell in life’s there’s less ions I suppose and I’m great full for what I do have at least he stayed clear of my children it could have been worse if I continued to shower him with love gifts and money . I still feel the pain of being taken advantage of , but thank god my children are safe and he’s not near them Count my blessings . I don’t mind being a single mom with no support . Even knowing I was a victim of a sociopath sometimes I think it could have been worse .
E, yes it could be worse with a SP. I’m still watching my back and you should too. They are like the predator and we are the prey, they will lay and wait to attack. You just don’t know what they will do. Right now my SP can not contact me because of a restraining order so we have been divorce now for one month and he is still trying to use the lawyers to contact me! But, my lawyer is no longer representing me because our case is closed but he is still playing games. I’m haven’t responded and I won’t but he has move on to his new victim but he still want me to play his game. I believe they think you would fall apart because they left they want to know or see you suffering. So, just be careful! And I’m sorry to hear about your lose!!! Always think about you and your children first!!!!
My boyfriend of two years is a sociopath and we’ve talked about things in his past but am still not sure to believe this or not.
The thing is with sociopaths s that not much that they say is true. They tell lies more easily than the truth (find it easier). And with regard to their past are huge fans of giving a victim mentality story.
How do you deal with a social path ? I am working with one and I think he is one but I can’t be 100% sure. Please advise.
I would advise that if you are working with one and not emotionally involved. Just to treat him only in a professional capacity. Treat it as business Never tell him info that could be used against you. And never give him any ammunition to use against you. remember that they exploit your emotions to manipulate and control you…. so don’t display any even if you feel that you are pulling your hair out. I hope this helps 🙂
Hi Tina,
I write a blog called Consulting Hardball – http://scarlettowncommunications.wordpress.com/. Because a lot of the problems I’ve experienced seem to arise from personality-disordered individuals, I plan to begin approaching posts from that angle next.
Some of the articles already posted will help you in discovering techniques for protecting yourself and your career which is vital when dealing with deceptive, manipulative types. Most importantly, keep calm. They can pump you up at work the same as they can in personal relationships. You have to appear measured, documented and in control of your emotions to effectively battle someone like this.
It’s also important, though difficult, to remain positive so that co-workers aren’t persuaded by lies and manipulations intended to undermine you. Many (many) managers are unwitting participants/pawns in the agendas of the deceitful who, largely, if skilled at hiding and cover up, can be viewed as examples of go-getters/achievers (and any negative occurences attributed to simple ambition) within an organization. Very dangerous, very uncomfortable, very real.
If you click “follow” at the blog site, I can also get your email and we can talk offline that way. Whatever you’re experiencing, I’ve probably seen some version of it in my 7 years consulting with Fortune 500, and over 15 years in business.
@Steveofcaley
With respect to the book you mentioned, “48 Laws of Power”…does the author actually admit to being a sociopath? I plan to pick it up, but just wondered.
Really, I don’t think so. It’s interesting, because it was given to me by a person whom I considered rather Machiavellian.
Hi, I just feel like telling my story, mostly because I am young and not so sure how to trust people anymore. It is a long story so if you do not have the time I would be grateful if you skipped it all and read the last paragraph as this is my biggest problem and I am seeking advice from as many as possible.
A few years ago I was a naive person who loved meeting new people and now I do not want to anymore. And I was thinking maybe you people og the internet had any tips to help me get out there again and meet other people 🙂 Every time I try to get new friends I am exhausted and just after a few weeks I end up saying no to everything that my friends want to to. I just want to be alone and sleep. I do not know what to do, I am lonely because I do not want friends. I do not understand.
So here my story:
When I was 14 I met a boy. I immediately fell in love (like you do when everything is new and exiting, not the real love I have come to realize) At first I felt like we were perfect for each other and that he really was in love with me too. He was my very first boyfriend and it seemed ok, we got to meet each other once or twice a week and it was fun to hang out with him. We watched movies and tv, even made food and did funny things. As time went by and we both were 15 we became more romantic with kissing and such and he started to kind of push me into having sex. And by the time we had sex things slowly started to change. He was mad at me for not being with him in the weekends as I used to go to relatives. We argued a lot, and I was ALWAYS the one saying i am sorry. He did not win the argument about the weekends, but did not ever give up on trying to make me sleep over at his house in the weekends instead of being with my family. He always said bad things about my sister, that se was a bad person and how much he hated her. I did not notice this at that moment because she was a negative person (and teenage sisters do fight a lot, and he always took my side of the story. I just was not aware of this I pushed it to the back of my mind).
But not only did he try to separate me from my family, he gradually separated me from my friends. I was a girl with many friends, mostly girlfriends. And I did not notice that I had lost all my friends until the day we broke up and I was 16. As he was always texting me, calling me or skyping I was never alone. The way he made me distance myself from my friends was by making me jealous. He would flirt with my friends right in front of me. This made me avoid girls in general, this happened so gradually that I did not notice I had no friends. And I have heard that in average you loose 2 friends when you get in a relationship, well I lost nearly ALL my friends. Well, I have talked to many of my friends afterwards and explained to them, but since they are the girls that he flirted with this has been difficult to say without blaming them. So I decided to just say that he is manipulating and not the reason why I did not want to be friends with them as it might seem like I am blaming them for my failed relationship.
Well, I never got my friends back, I moved away and they are now friends with him. They did not believe that he was manipulating me, and decided to remain friends with him. But I have decided to cut them out of my life for good. He is still trying to get to me somehow. He was writing a lot to me on facebook, doing things like cutting his hair the way I liked it and do things I wanted him to do when we were together trying to get my attention, but I blocked him. Then he started flirting with my cousin. He went to visit her at my aunts house, to me it seemed like he wanted my attention. Because when he did not get it he was no longer interested in her. He is still trying, but he is out of ways to reach me now.
There is a lot more to the story, things that makes him fit to the article, but it is too much and hard for me to write. I am now almost 18 and have a bit of a trouble getting new friends and even bothering to go out. I also have trust issues when it comes to friends. I try to push myself into getting new friends but I get exhausted and just want to be alone and sleep. There is also this boy at the moment who is trying to force me in to a relationship with him and I can not seem to get him away, he is in my class and impossible to avoid. (We are 30 students studying together in a foreign country as exchange students) There is always a lot of drama around him and he matches the description in this article shockingly well, he also makes me look like a bad person if he gets the chance. Crying to the other girls in our class how mean I am and how I hurt him by not being his girlfriend. This has made it even harder for me to make friends as they feel sympathy for this poor heartbroken boy that gets sad when I ignore him. I am loosing all my self confidence when I try to be friends with this boy and I can not stand him anymore. I am exhausted and lonely in a place far from home. How do I learn to get friends that I can trust? I have come to realize that I have to learn this all over again and I have to do it now.
I think your last sentence says it—you need to start over, and you need to do it now. You’re in a state of depression, the people you’ve trusted have let you down, the guy you wanted is a traitor, and nobody in proximity is making you feel good about you. If you have a good friend that you know is a friend, you might talk to that person. Otherwise, I’m not sure you should waste energy on trying to figure out who is authentic.
I get the sense you are spinning in circles. It’s no wonder you’re exhausted and looking for a place to lie down. Depression in the form of avoidance (meaning, going inside yourself too much and getting stuck in turmoil) is not healthy and will not help you. But that doesn’t necessarily mean some removal and self-time focusing on things totally outside of this mess won’t give you some strength.
I have felt like you so, I know it is hard to get motivated about anything in this condition. But if you could just find one thing that you feel like doing and focus on that for awhile? Your mind will move away from these things you’re obsessing over so you can think more clearly, then take one step at a time. Who cares how this boy is feeling? I could see you caring if he wasn’t basically DEMANDING your attention the way he requests it. Too many people expecting too much from you will eat you alive. I’d suggest removal without isolation, but definitely a focus on something that matters to YOU, until you can work your way back to some strength.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and answer! ❤
And thank you for writing what I needed to hear, I understood that I am going in circles and that I am the only one to change that. I just did not see that until now, I guess I had to hear it from someone else. Motivation is very hard for me to find, but reading your answer made me realize that I had to find one thing and just do it, and begin the search for a new way to spend my time and perhaps then the motivation will come to me. I made a list of things that matters to me and what I have always wanted to do, and the first thing that came to my mind was dancing, so I have already signed up for beginner classes.
I do hope that this will make me happier, as dancing involves socializing, laughing and learning at the same time, and is something I do completely for myself. No one will be expecting anything from me if I go by myself to the beginners classes. And if this does not make me happier, and if it is too exhausting I will just try the next thing on my list. But I do believe that dancing for fun once a week is not too much to begin with, and it will not bring me down if it does not turn out as fun as I am hoping it will be.
Thank you so much for helping me see my problem, as this was hard for me to do alone. I just needed that little "push". Thank you for opening my eyes to see things differently, and helping me find ways to get a new start 🙂
Aw sending you a hug. In a way life has done you a favour. You can learn so much wisdom from your experiences, but are young enough to build a life with a wiser head on your shoulders. I sometimes wish I could have had a wiser head In my younger years 🙂
Am also impressed at you signing up to classes finding new interests. Also remember that we all have a guardian angel. You only have to ask for help (they are not allowed to help you unless you ask) I hope these new things you are doing branch out to bring some positive beginnings which bring happiness and stability for you 🙂
Keep one foot in front of the other. People with these sort of personality disorders are “energy vampires.” Getting better starts the moment that they stop sucking you dry. Keep going.
This is so true about the energy vampires. If you let go within a very short period of time you start to get your energy back they are draining. They really do suck the life out of you. Even if you don’t realise it at the time.
I feel for your situation….the thing is this, if there is a GOOD LOOKING guy around single girls/women looking for attention and flirting, nature will win, regardless of frienships at stake, even relationships are at stake. I think, that people can be very selfish, you just need to keep your eyes open, and always trust your gut instincts.
FaceBook is just another glorified `date site`. It gives weirdos access to your whole world…to destroy or humiliate you. It is a CHEATERS paradise..:(
My SP has just this minute walked out on me again!! Only 20 seconds ago! He told me another lie that he may have work- turns out he doesn’t! (after five years of me paying for everything, including my house and car) I told him no money – no house! He told me I was mad and is from now on going to look after himself!!!! RiGHT, now I have got to remember the NO CONTACT rule. But one question! Why do I feel sorry for him?!!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Sarame1,
I started laughing when I read that your SP said he was going to take care of himself. He was always taking care of himself. Funny!!!!! The reason you feel sorry for him is because he has brain washed you and he has manipulated you!!!!
Its incredible! Even I had to laugh! If it wasn’t so hurtful and cruel it would actually be funny. I’m sitting here stunned!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Your going to have to find humor in all of this!! Like GOD has another plan for you! I’ve talk about my situation in this blog about working for a SP and than I would go home to a SP! I was actually loosing my mind and i didn’t know why but now i know! Well I just found out yesterday I will be knocked out of my bonus with the SP I use to work for because she found a way to knock me out on my attendance, at the end she forced me to take suspended days by conning me making me think she was helping me out. I didn’t think I was going to get a bonus anyway because I was the worst person in her eye and my work wasn’t up to part! I wasn’t believing her lies and she was conning the staff but she got me good she didn’t want me to leave but I wasn’t doing a good job? Right!!! She told me she wasn’t giving me a transfer and knocked me out of an another job. But I was able to get away better position! So I decided to leave All the extra money I was making a lot of extra money! I believe in selling your soul to the Devil! That is what I was doing! But my bonus could have help me out right now but I’m happier I’m not dealing with that stress and lies. So, I would have received a 10,000 check next month but ol well! All I can do is know that I’m in a better place!!!! And she was going to do anything to cut me out if my money that I worked hard for! Because she lost control with me leaving because I wasn’t taking her abuse from her anymore!!!! I free !!!!!
Our society SEXUALIZES the psychopaths. The Bad Boy, assertive, self-confident, fun but trouble, changeable, intriguing – what’s going on in that mind? – spontaneous, outside the boundaries. That’s the hot guy, almost a grownup, and all he needs is love.
In reality, the antidote of “Love” is not something that the psychopath can understand. The assertive guy who says “Nice t*ts” one time, will be saying “Fat a**” in six months!
What do women think? What’s on the radar when you first meet a bad apple?
I was not dating one, but my mother is one. She is everything stated in here, is it possible that I could be genetic or is a person simply that way.
People who are sociopaths or psychopaths don’t worry about if they ARE one, or if it’s hereditary. They could care less. That’s why they don’t change.
They are the #1 center of the universe, and everyone else is inferior but them. Anyone with a conscience, or a sense of insight or guilt about their own behavior – well, that’s not familiar to people with that type of personality disorder.
While I have never dated a sociopath I had a platonic friendship with one for 25+ years. For years he complained to me about his baby mama taking all of his income for child support, every woman he dated was a b!tch, and went from job to job. Everything hit the fan when he began dating a girlfriend of mine from childhood. She would tell me all these awful things he would say and do to her and her daughters but she remained with him. I figured she accepted him and his behaviors because she is an alcoholic and he would drink with her and they would have fun. Their relationship ended when she found out he gave her herpes and denied it blaming her until test results indicated he gave it to her. Mr. Socio then moves on to another woman, another single mother of 2 daughters and eventually we meet. Soon after she starts telling me the same stories my girlfriend had told me, and more. He never paid child support, his parent made the payments. He would move himself into their homes or insist they spend all their time together. He couldn’t hold a job so he began suing people and organizations to support himself. The final blow was when he gave me an ultimatum that I had to choose between him or a friendship between former girlfriend #2. I chose the later. He sent himself a ‘threatening’ text msg from an unlisted phone number and blamed girlfriends #1,#2, and me. He called the police and filed a phony police report. The 3 of us girls agreed to block him from texting, calling at home and cell and block emails. I eventually found out that neither of them blocked him from contacting them. I ended the friendships with all involved.
There are so many more events that came to light after being friends with him for the 25+ years. Had those events never happened I would never know he was a sociopath.
When dating insist on meeting the persons friends as soon as possible in a casual environment like happy hour. Meet more than one friend and see if that person knows the sociopath’s other friends. From there move on to meeting family soon. Don’t waste time.
Btw, this person was charged with harassment and was on probation for one year and may have done some jail time as he was not seen by anyone for a 3 month period.
Wow… may have done some jail time, as he wasnt seen for 3 months. They sure are some space rangers 😦
I know this is a blog about dating a sociopath but…..anyone have any experience with a boss who is a sociopath?
Aragh there is a great blog about corporate sociopaths. Its really good, I wish I had read it a few years ago. If I can find it will post the link for you! I will go see if i can find it, unless anyone else reads this and knows the one I am talking about she posted a link here.
Here’s a book worth reading: Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work. by by Paul Babiak & Robert D. Hare. Not all the psychopaths are in prison, and some of them rise to the top of power.
” You appear to have a deep connection, which almost feels spiritual” Oh yeah.
And …
… this look, this stare. I definitely know it. “crazy eyes” …
Yes David…I know the eyes like youre lunch or something ..my husband actually laughed at me because I’m so uncomfortable when he does that ..they enjoy making others uncomfortable. its sad and childish its such a game that they like to win its just sick.
check, check, check! my husband has every one of these! confirmation that I’m not the crazy one once again. thank you for thees articles They are the things that keep me on point to help heal myself and my children !
Very intriguing, but one very important factor is missing and lacking in this article, your credentials and research. Otherwise, I find this becomes merely words on a blog and not backed up by facts.
Hi Kirk,
Thank you for your comments. What kind of credentials and research would you like to see?
I agree beige (I rather like beige and brown though) is boring too, the point was, our life is not boring, it never will be. I’ve never experienced “a typical normal boring life” it’s only something I’ve heard of, like a fairy tale.
I did!! ONCE….. for almost two months. At the time. I said to my mother, mum this is surreal, it is like I am living someone elses life. There I was living with my fiance, in this beautiful home, we just prepared for our daughter. Or I did, he carried, I paid. Everything was perfect. I lived in this perfect world, of how life would be to be normal. No worries, no issues, life is beautiful. Can hardly believe my luck…. then BANG…. my world was blown apart. My daughter died, he left, etc etc etc…. and on goes the story until this blog 🙂 I still have photos and videos of this wonderful normal life that I had those two months. It was amazing like being in a fairy tale. I still find it incredible to look at footage of that. It was the last time that my life was ‘normal’ and it hasn’t been anywhere near resembling normal since.
See at least you’ve had a preview of it, I never had. I am so jealous. So you know what I am talking about. What I find so weird, I had the most perfect normal childhood ever. I just couldn’t pull it together as adult, what a shame. It’s interesting what we crave as adults, our perception as “normal” or “perfect”.
Ah so you had the perfect normal fairytale childood? Maybe you go looking for excitement, because…. well because you can, your foundations are rock solid strong, to enable you to?
Nope, my ex has provided me with PLENTY of excitement. I shall have a heart attack. I would like stability, financially, and emotionally. My kids still all over the place with him. So it’s unsettling. 7 1/2 years and no contact can really be in effect. I am waiting, ever so patiently. Which is why I have to have good humor about all of this if not, I will go crazy, he is very mean. I have to laugh at his attempt to control and manipulate. It’s all very childish and transparent, I see who he is. He also has aligned forces with the children against me. So I make him take me to court for everything costing him $. As he has to pay my attorney fees also. 😂. So. Too bad. It’s a wicked fairy tale indeed.
Wow. Insightful. I fell in love with someone I beleive is a socipath at 19, got married and 3 kids later im starting to question my own sanity. I am now 33 and the first real relationship I had was my husband and how I view life and men has TOTALLY been distorted.
He displays most of these traits, ive had to support the family most of our marriage, when he did work he would often dissappear. There have been countless women, countless lies many nights away from home with the most bizzare stories why he didnt sleep home. Hes sold a vehicle and lied about it for MONTHS until his mother and I took action and took him to the dealership where he said the car was in for service.
The last 2-3yrs are really when I woke up to what I was REALLY dealing with. This after him living with another woman for close to 5months and actually getting engaged to her while married to me. This was one of the first long term relationships when that was too much he asked that we relocate to a new town and start afresh. I did not follow immediately because naturally I was skeptical but he made sure he took the kids with him and knew I would follow. I got to.the new town and found a bigger mess. Another long term relationship with a woman that publises how much they are in love and how hes leaving me for her because they are solemates.
I eventually realised I have to RUN for my sanity. I only managed to take my youngest daugher as I could not disrupt the school going children. The year is almost over and I plan on enrolling the older two kids at a school near me. My problem is im not sure if cutting ALL contact is possible when there are 3 kids. I dont think the law is on my side there. I know its gon be a tough road considering hes all I know and have been with this man for all my adult life .
Hes quickly moved on with the new lady but still denies this and makes me out to be crazy and accuses me of finding excuses to break up our home. A home he never wanted to come to when I was there.
Thank you for this platform. I know im atleast not crazy. I do however judge what kind of person and what issues I have that I would allow someone to do this andstill bring 3 kids into this craziness…
I pray for peace , healing and strength to REALLY recover for my childrens sake.
Tram what an awful, heartbreaking experience for you. I almost don’t know what to say. What a horrible situation to be in 😦
No you are not crazy there are heartless people out there. I am so sorry to read of your experiences.
No, you’re not crazy, but he sure is. They are capable of deep deceit. Be sure to read the posts about safe exit strategy. It will become important how you deal with him since you have the children, and he’s not going to like losing. In a way, it’s good that you’ve set a precedent for being apart with not really wanting to make the move to the new city. You are priming him for a bigger blow. If I were in your shoes, I would begin withdrawing slowly, just one little change at a time (like, maybe you cook less or fewer large meals, if that’s something he expects), so as not to disrupt things with alarm. In this way, you provide subtle indicators that things are not the same between you, but it’s nothing really he can put his finger on, and just maybe you avoid an eventual explosion.
Forgive me, I just reread and see that you are already out. It sounds like his attention is on someone else right now, but you never know how long it will take for him to mess that up. The advice I think offered in these kinds of cases here is to keep communications “strictly business” and emotionless so you give him no amunition.
Thank you. I guess the trick now is to keep him aout of my life, so keep things professional and related to kids only.
The world really is a scary place to think that someone you trusted with your life was just out to destroy you.
I’m so thankful for this page. Too much to disclose, personally. But I was second guessing things, making small of everything and then waking up and thinking No. Stop it. youre not crazy. He is.” Thankfully the relationship only lasted a month. Four months ago. There was an incident ue to his jealousy which started it all this month and then harassing, etc. The police are at least involved and an order of protection is going to be filled out. I refuse to live in fear. Get out and get safe when you can. I never imagined I’d be here. Things just got too scary. Good luck to everyone. ❤
Ooh I knew it! I was seeing a guy a lil over a month we met offline. He tried to talk to me a year ago but I didn’t bother with hI’m. This rime I gave in. We met at a club he always goes to and he danced with me most the night. He told me he knew he coukdnt be jealous but he wanted me to onky dance with him but I didn’t. Long story short he wine n dined me and aaaalllways looked into my eyes and told me how beautiful I was.made me dinner took me out when we had sex the first time he was extra passionate speaking “ohh I never thought we’d be making love” the sex wasn’t the best but I guess I enjoyed it mote just cause how “passionaate he was” later I start noticing lies he stood me up one night like told me where tk meet him then never showed up then text me sayjng “I hate mm y lifei hate myself thus is the worst night ever fml” that was odd and funny to me. I decided to see where it went. He begged for a chance tk redeem himself and told me I could slap him…then later down the road I fins out he has a girl he has been seeing since last year and they go on trips and are going to europe in dec. I get ahold of her he blocks me and kies to her that he didn’t know me then that his friends told me about him and then rhat I jusy wanted to break them up to have him for myself. She tells me he cheated earlier in the year cause he was bored then I find out he has an ex wife n kid he doesn’t take care of which he lied and said he had bo kids…he begs her to move in with him to prove he has changed but I think its just cause she wanted her m oney back. She said he helped her get her credit right prob ao she ca. Afford to travel. She said he had bo pics of her on fb but after he got caught he put an okd one up congratulating her on her trabel rewards cards for free nighta and incentives. Then after almost a year puts in a relationship woth her. Sad part is she is a counsler and has low self esteem so she sees it all as he is broken from hia previous marriage and she can help fix him. Sheis 30 n wants kids but he told her to wit till ahe is 34. But has a like page that says “say no to pregnacy” I’m going to send her this link I hope she really reads it and thinks about it cause I wasn’t with him long and already knew!
Hi Beverly, thank you. Well you seem to have him sussed out.
If she is a counsellor, she might think she can ‘fix him’ I used to think that too. But she wont be able to. As they can’t change. only thing that changes is their story. Then it is back to the same repeated patterns that continue to repeat. They move on and do the same thing again and again.
You could try to send her a link to this page. At least you have tried, but if he has moved in with her, likely he is living off of her…… he will take her money, ruin her life (worst is that he could contact her work making up wild allegations) get her into debt, ruin her reputation. Someone who is ‘morally good’ is really good for the sociopath to manipulate and control, as they can play the game…. I hope that she gets out, as he really could ruin her life.
He said because she is a counselor she can help him with his “commitment issues” from his ex wife. He has his own place and wants her to move in with Him. What are your thoughts on him helping Her get out of debt? Do you think its so he could use her bettee financally? I know she said he loans her money and has introduced her to his parents when they came to visit from the Ukraine. I go back and forth myself wondering if he is just a jerk or sociopath but all the signs point towards a sociopath.
can you be married to a sociopath if he fits 6 out of the 9 “red flags” and can he be classified as a sociopath if he was married 30 years……I read they always have short therm relationships…but when he wanted out, he became cold as ice…he never looked back and has not communicated with his immediate family or children….can you just be “cold” and not be a sociopath? He has always had a good employment record, married 5 times and very little money left in the bank when he asked me to leave……..even if not a sociopath, I have always felt “invisible”…many times, he would not even answer me……..no close friends but does have acquaintances, was once very involved in church and people flocked toward him moreso than even the pastor…he had a following and then one day, never went back, even gave marital advice which made me feel “secure” that he would never leave cause he always emphasized that marriage is based on vows to God……if I did hug or kiss him, he would always say: “what was that for?”….I thought that was odd…any comments would be more than appreciated…………………
Mine was married 5 times prior to me too – reportedly two were more than 13 years. Said he divorced because they cheated on him. Probably the other way around. He has bragged about fantastic lifestyles prior to meeting me; says he has always supported his family with a good job, yet I remember him telling me that he used to “roll fags” for the money. (He would target gay men and then beat them up and take their money!) If he had a good job, why would he have to do something so horribly cruel?
The thing is you cant believe anything a SP says. Their entire life is a fantasy based upon very little fact. Mine says he is the son of Waylon Jennings, but there is no proof. He said he was a sniper in a special ops division of the Army. He has no service record. You can find out if he’s likely a SP just by checking out the things he tells you. If he’s has lied about a few things, chances are he has lied about most things and can’t be trusted. I have watched my SP develop followings and be the centre of the crowd with people flocking to him as he vows his love for them and to always be “brothers”, then be cold as ice and say horrible things about them behind their backs – unprovoked – really for no reason at all.
I don’t know what other mental disorders or personality traits would make a person so cold. Just listen closely and check out everything he says. The lies have a way of being exposed if you watch.
Amazes me and I’m ashamed that all of this is so clear to me now, yet I bought it all in the beginning – hook, line and sinker.
Whatever the socio says about their ex they probably did themselves. Mine said last one was a psycho one before cheated. They already know the reaction of their victims. So they can now mirror the reaction of their own victims to the new one. This is why it’s so believable. If you have been through it too, you feel it’s genuine. As you too have felt those same ’emotions’ all they are doing is mimicking past victims emotions to them.
I go back and forth about whether my husband is a sociopath too – he exhibits most of the traits, but he does hold a well paying job, and doesn’t live off me financially. He supports me now that he had me quit a really great job a year ago. Thank goodness he is a truck driver and home infrequently so I don’t have to deal with him on a daily basis in person. I am making plans to leave with no contact. Im seeking employment that I can support myself on and will make sure he doesn’t know where Im working, where I will be living, and Ive made arrangements to be on a family members cell plan so he cant know my phone number. The hell is lying to him right now pretending everything is fine. I feel such guilt for that because I am stooping to his level. I have to act mad when he doesn’t call and tell him I love him when I have now come to loathe him. And I feel so angry with myself for allowing this to happen. I actually proposed to him 3 years ago! What a fool! Now I am working on building my self esteem and making myself stronger so that I wont be a victim. Time to break the pattern of 50 years! I am the common denominator in all my past failed relationships – 5 out of 6 of them were abusive. The other was a “savior” relationship. At this age, I am for the first time, ok with being alone – finally. I think its the safest way to live the rest of my life. I hope to be able to trust myself in the future. Certainly will not be handing out trust to anyone who comes along. They must earn it and even then, I’ll probably remain suspicious.
Im not sure what I am supplying – he cheats on me out on the road so its not sex. Its not money. I guess its normalcy, perhaps its that I take care of his paperwork nightmare and make sure bills are paid, business is taken care of and house is maintained. Is that possible?
Anyway – the wait for a good paying job and the ability to move out of his house (he owned prior to our marriage and made me move out here in the country. Totally isolated. I hate it!) is almost unbearable. Am I handling this correctly? Guess the wait is just getting to me.
Yes it was normalcy—so it looks to others that he was married, meaning stable and decent!
Well, that’s what I suspected. I can’t even cry anymore. I started figuring this all out the end of July. I have been a total emotional wreck – even physically ill due to grief and stress. What shock! But now, I’m so completely done. I feel numb. Things are not happening fast enough for me to escape this environment. So I study and learn and strengthen myself for a life on my own, which will be so much easier than the life I’ve been living for the past few years. The life of a duped fool is not an easy one! But recognizing what you’ve allowed – learning how not to be a victim again, and building a stronger me to move forward with is no easy task either – but very well worth the time and effort.
So my plan is to secretly move as soon as I get a job (that should happen within the next month or two). He will not know where I work. I will have to lie to him about that. I will move out while he is out of town with no word about it to him. At that time, I will switch my phone to the plan of a family member and will not have an account in my name. My mail will be forwarded to a family member and not my new address. I have not and will not go to the places we used to frequent or see the people we used to see. I have already started disappearing from public view. There will be no contact from the day I move out. He will just have to wonder why I am not answering my phone. I will seemingly just fall off the planet. It would be very satisfying to think this might bother him!
One thing I’m so very excited about once I move and begin my life alone, is that I will no longer have to lie to him to hide the fact that I know he’s a sociopathic monster. Even after all he has done to me, I feel guilty for lying to him! I get queazy when I have to talk to him and lie – tell him I love him. I have to ask about his day and act concerned. I couldn’t care less. But I feel it is safer for me to maintain status quo until I can leave. I just hope he doesn’t get to come home before I can make all this happen! There’s no way I could be in the same room with him, much less the same bed! I know too much now.
Can anyone think of anything I’ve forgotten to think about or plan for as I make my move? I know I will also have to watch everywhere I go that I am not being followed by his friends, who could report to him where I go to work or where I live. Wonder how long I will have to keep this up? Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Would just caution you about your “trail”. If you had shared bank accounts, or even banked at the same place, any transfer of accounts to a new bank could provide a lead for him—same with requested medical records from a new doctor or dentist. Watch what you leave behind, even in the trash—no tell-tale moving receipts, random business cards from around new location, etc.
Congratulations! Keeping your secrets from him is a beautiful step! It means you have finally found boundaries within the limitations he set up. That is what he took from you—your right to autonomy. Now that you are focusing on what is good for YOU— you are already free from him. I have one more thing to add—DON’T WAIVER and keep up the good work! 🙂 ❤
You know, it appears to seem that lots of sociopaths can be highly functional (and don’t live off you). My father is, for instance. A lot of them, actually. Anyway, sociopath became to me some generic word to describe anything from borderline to serial-killer, and more generally abuser, so the definition tends to vary.
What you have to offer is perhaps something else than sex or money. Perhaps he needs someone to make him look normal as a cover for something no ones wants to find out about…
Though i’m really thinking too much about the happy face killer here, which also was a truck driver and used his family as a cover. It worked well for him, then he got caught and his family was shocked and traumatized and her daugher wrote a book about raising a kid while having a serial killer dad (now dead, thought still traumatizing), book i definitely want to read.
Anyway, cover or not, you should get a job and get out of his life ASAP, but in the most secret way possible. He must find out ONLY when everything’s done.
Take care …
Wow! Guess I didn’t know about that story! That’s frightening! He has “jokingly” referred to loving living in the country because it gives him a place to hide the bodies. On several occasions, he has joked about “makes it easier to hide the bodies”. OMG! What if he is a killer? I don’t really think he is, nor do I think he has buried anyone on our property…but this is someone I thought I knew that doesn’t even exist! How Fd up is that!!! He has an arsenal of guns, knives, swords and other scary weapons.
Guess it’s best if I assume nothing, take nothing for granted. I have come to suspect many things he is doing, but those have more to do with lying and cheating, perhaps even with men. I need to perhaps become less confrontational with him with my doubts. He fails to keep in contact as was our custom; which is completely opposite of the love-bombing he used to do just a year ago. I really don’t care, but have been acting upset to try to make things seem normal. Not sure what he would do if he knew I didn’t care what happens to him, or what he does; all I want it OUT! I don’t even want him to know AFTER I’m out. I don’t want to have to deal with him again, especially in person – EVER!
I appreciate your reply, as it has made me think even deeper and has reignited my awareness. I really don’t know what I’m dealing with here, do I? I need to be mindful of that every second and use the knowledge I’m gaining from sites like this to better self-protect.
Oh2bfree, be careful theses people are very unpredictable, sneaky, and convincing. I wouldn’t put anything past him and he will try to find you! Because he feels like he lost and they have to win. He is going to do all kind of things to get back at you and to get a reaction. My SP has another source of supply and he does little things to get a reaction from me but I refuse to play his game. Because playing their game you can loose your life, your freedom, or your sanity! You have to be suspious of everyone remember he can convince people what he want them to believe. So, he can get information from them by being conning and he will try to get as much information as possible. Do you watch ID channel? They have a lot of shows (real life drama) of people getting out of relationships and facing relationships with SP! Like facing evil is a good one, who the bleep I married, and fatal vows! You can get some ideas of what to do and what not to do! I’m praying for you!!!
P.S . My SP had guns too, I had to removed them from the house so I could be safe! I made it like I was protecting him because he can’t have guns because of his criminal charge of assault on a family member (me). I guess a lot of SP own weapons!!!!
If he is joking about where to hide bodies and he has guns knives and swords. I would be very wary. Try to keep yourself safe.
– “Not sure what he would do if he knew I didn’t care what happens to him, or what he does” –
I’ll tell you what his reaction will be to your not caring, (and having the guts to leave him) he will be deflated and lose his power over you then try to get you back by claiming remorse. It’s the façade that keeps him “strong”—not real strength. If he loses the façade, he loses his power over you. And that will DEVASTATE him. But he will N-E-V-E-R show it! Watch and see how long it takes for you to find out he’s found (in desperation) someone else to victimize after you leave him!
Yes there are lots in power. Many are freeloaders still even politicians.
Got a job today..guess what my Christmas present (albeit early) to myself is! A SOC-FREE LIFE! Staying alert and being so careful. I think it’s very important not to underestimate him. Trying to think of everything…
Yay go you!! 🙂 🙂
Jusagurl,
Thank you for your post. I appreciate the direction. I have already started a separate account at a different institution; a credit union that limits membership and would not permit him to bank with them. I remove cash from our shared account and deposit to secret account. I don’t keep any receipts at my house. All of my paperwork is either destroyed (we burn our trash out here in the country), or if it’s something I need to keep I keep it at a family members house.
I hadn’t thought of medical providers…and many of them, knowing we are married, might slip and give information they shouldn’t. HIPPA does not prevent this from happening!! I will be contacting them (only 2 thankfully) Monday to inform them of the danger I am in, the impending divorce, and have them make a note to never give out any information about me to anyone.
Although I live in a small city, it can still be a “small town”, so I have informed family and friends not to ever talk about me with anyone. All information about me is “confidential”. You never know who they may know, and unknowingly provide information to the S. They know the danger I am in – they all saw it before I did – of course!!
So, when I move utilities, I probably need to make sure that information can not be given out to him. If I have a job before the end of the year, I was planning to file taxes married, filing single. Our accountant is also an attorney. I am the one he has dealt with for years, He has never even talked to husband, but I guess I will need to NOT use any professionals that we have used in the past, and find new providers. Oh, insurance! I have to separate policies. Will probably need to not only change agent, perhaps company!
I am taking all the paperwork and files with me, including all past tax returns. That way he will not have my personal information. He is a paperwork train wreck. It took me months to get all of his paperwork, (business, property, banking, etc) straightened out and organized and to pay off old debts he didn’t even know he had! (Yes, red flags ignored) So I feel pretty sure he doesn’t have my information. There again, I can’t be sure who/what I’m really dealing with…
Can you think of anything else? WOW! I’ve just never had to hide. Hard to think of all the little details!!
Smart of you to take the paperwork. The only other thought I have is about protecting your social security #. I know of some ways to get it, but I won’t publish that here as to not give the soc’s any ideas. Do think that one through though, and make sure you are doing everything that is within your control to protect that as it is all he would need.
Thanks, I will. Not a conniver, so not sure of other ways to get ss#, but will google to see what I can learn. I may just have to closely monitor credit to nip any problems in the bud. Things going fast now. Got a job today – here we go!!! OH TO BE FREE!!!
Reading this blog, and all these stories about ladies who have dated a sociopath makes my heart break. I am glad to have never gotten too deep with one, but the damage that was caused will be life lasting. I made the effort to finally cut him out of my life for good today for my 20th birthday as my life has been complete hell since he’s came in. I met him my first year of university, and quickly became in love with his charm and and words, intelligence and overall persona. I truly believed that he was worth every penny I spent on him, and time I invested into him. However, things completely made a turn for the worse just as fast. After months of dating, he began to make me travel and 1.5 to see him in the city he lived when school was done, never making an effort to come see me, or pay me back for the gas I continuously had to spend. I PAID FOR EVERYTHING for the entirety of our relationship, and there was always some excuse as to why he never had money, or he’d come up with a sob story about being poor and his childhood. He always made me feel guilty, sad and sorry for him, and never took it upon himself to own up to responsibilities. After constant forgiving and getting back to together, one day I found out he had not only one but two kids, by two different females of which one he was in a relationship with also. After I confronted him about it, he came up with a HUGE apology and begged me to forgive him. However, at this point decided I could no longer be in relationship with him, very very obvious reasons. However, I developed deep feelings for him, and he used this and played with my emotions to still get what he wanted, that being sex, money, and a place to stay when he didn’t have anyone. He used me and would make big promises that we’d get back together one day, and that we’d eventually marry. He has stolen money from me, and has used my credit card to gamble and had never given me a dime back. He dropped out of school and started a relationship with one of his baby mothers, of whom messaged me one day to tell me to run away from him, as she is trapped. He has given her 3 different STD’s, took $30,000 dollars from her, has choked, and beaten her, has threatened her life, has made her lose confidence in her self by constant degrading and has also made her lose a baby by an ectopic pregnancy. She has no friends, and no family as her entire life now revolves around him. I have been depressed, had to take a semester off of school, have had to get treated for a UTI, administrated to a psychiatrist, have had 2 pregnancy scares, have lost a lot of money, friends, and family because of ONE person. I know reading this many of you may believe I was foolish for continuing to talk to him, even after I found out about his kids, and other females. But sociopaths, will try their absolute best to never make you leave their lives, that is until they are done using you or feel as though you are no longer a resource for them. I tried so hard to leave this person, and he kept reeling me back in with his lies and antics, and promises and sob stories. Every thing I did was never good enough, and he made me feel obligated to him. Everything on this list describes who I was dealing with, and it was a roller coaster that I needed to get off of to find happiness again. We all want the best for people, and will try with them, the best we can. But sometimes, in this case, this simply isn’t good enough and you can’t win the battle with these people. They will take your life, destroy it and feel absolutely no way about it, and move on. Please if you have to opportunity to leave, DO IT.
Hi Shasha welcome to the site!
Hello! Thank you for making this website, it helped me a lot to put the pieces together of trying to figure out exactly who I was dealing with. My biggest problem was feeling guilt and sad for this person, when I shouldn’t have. And that was a large reason why I continued to associate myself with him. I’m glad I came to my senses and finally moved on with my life.
You’re not on your own there Sasha. I am STILL with mine for the same reasons. I really want him to go as he is, well, A PIG! But when I put him out he walks the streets and sleeps rough like tramp!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Sareme let him walk those streets!! This happened to me in 2012, stupidly he called police on me after stealing from me. Lying I had stolen from him. Fortunately police saw through him and kicked him out onto streets. If he is a sociopath he will be ok. Mine was he didn’t like It but soon he was making new friends getting free food and within a week they helped him to get somewhere to eat. He didn’t like it I am sure. He survived. Sociopaths do. They charm others to get what they want.
This makes me think back to my ex-soc commenting how he was sleeping in his car one night, saying he didn’t want to go home. Wonder if she kicked him out and he was hinting for a place to stay. A normal guy, in a normal relationship would’ve known he could ask to visit. Good thing soc’s sometimes don’t under stand those social norms; I might’ve ended up in even deeper with him.
What I believe bothered me the most of about him, was the reality of himself he’d paint for other people who weren’t as deeply involved in his life. It mad me angry that other people would laugh and joke and par with him, when I and the other peoples’ lives he destroyed knew who he really was. I was only involved with him for about 2 years, but my God it was by far the worst 2 years of my life. I felt like I was losing everything including my sanity. I pray for him every day as a part of my heart will always care that he is “okay”, but I’m happy we have cut off communication and I can work on trying to restore my life back to the way it was prior to him entering it. I swear I could go on for days and write a book about this guy, that’s how horrific the experience and deceiving this person was.
@ Sarame1 You need to let him go! That was another problem I had; feeling sorry for him all the time and like I “had” to do things for him, because he would make me believe he deserved that much, when in reality he didn’t deserve anything at all. They will find other people to feed off of so don’t worry. I wanted to believe he loved me, but love isn’t suppose to feel as low as I did when I was associated with him. Really just cut your loses and keep it moving.
Thank you Sasha, your words are a massive help to me. Today I ended up in the emergency dept as I thought I was having a heart attack! HE of course came with me – all the while I was driving he screamed and shouted that it was ALL my fault because I am the way I am! I am so desperate for him to GO but somehow I won’t take that step, even though he knows I hate him. He’s so pity full. I feel sorry for him but I know he doesn’t feel sorry for me, he doesn’t feel sorry that he’s sponging off me or destroying my life, he knows how unhappy he makes me feel and just shrugs it off! I have contacted homeless shelters to take him in and even offered to pay his bus fare to go to his family.. I’m STUCK with this dreadful man – he’s like glue and won’t let go. In the next few days I’m going to the police and am going to have to have him forcefully removed from my home. Just so you know the full story, this guy in impotent – has been since I’ve known him and the word work to him is like throwing holy water over a vampire! He’s right.. I am mad!!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Do not tell the police that he has been staying with you for any length of time, because they will consider him a resident and will not make him leave. I have been down that road before. These people know how the law works and use it to their advantage. Tell the police you allowed him to stay a couple of nights and that’s it.
The police know he has been here for two years as he constantly called them on ME! BUT, surly as its MY house and he does not contribute one jot to his keep let alone towards the house keeping I can not be forced to live with him against my will?!! This is so scary. I’m really on the verge of packing my bags and changing the locks to my house and renting somewhere else until he’s moved on and its safe to come home.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
I went through a similar situation and the police told me I had to give him a 30 day notice to move out (basically like he was a renter). In the end we BOTH had to move out because I had to file bankruptcy after supporting him for two years.
I’m so sorry to hear that, SV, but I’ve made my mind up that he will go before he pulls me down anymore. I WILL NOT allow him to take anymore from me. I’ve already closed the bank of ‘sara’ to which he now calls me mean and impoverished! However, I now have to walk around with my handbag containing all my valuables as he has started stealing things. This is all because he WILL NOT WORK! Life is totally intolerable. I need to get out and sooner the better!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
I feel as though I’ve aged 20 years in the five years I’ve been with my SP. I used to be young (40) attractive, slim, good fun, bright and optimistic. This monster has taken all that away from me and now laughs in my face and tells me that no one would want me unless they were drunk and desperate. Writing this is really helping me as its now beginning to sink in.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
@ sarame1 What I want to know is, do you have any connection to his family or alleged close friends? or yours for that matter? I’m under the impression that this SP is merely all you have and vice versa, which is also a scary situation, because it could be a contribution as to why you’re struggling to get out and move on with life. If you have support or help, I really do suggest you move out for a while, start detaching yourself and situate no contact with him. Make sure to pack all your possessions and belongings so he doesn’t steal or fraud anything out of you. I truly hope you become at peace again with yourself.
You’re bang on Sasha, I have no connection with his family and I relocated to another country. I do speak to my family on the phone but I never see them. And where I live is very isolating. I’m confused as sometimes he can be very helpful and nice but mainly he’s very cold and thinks of no-one but himself. He’s quite sinister really. He’s blackmailed me, lied and stolen to mention just a few things. The main problem is his total refusal to work! He lies all the time says he’s got a job but the day before the ‘boss’ cancelled on him! This is one of millions of excuses I’ve heard. Meanwhile, I’m left constantly picking up the tab. He also borrows from everyone. I’m in financial difficulties too and he couldn’t give a dam.. He just keeps on taking. In five years I’ve never had a christmas present, birthday gift – nothing. He hasn’t paid for as much as a cup of coffee in TWO years. Its driving me mad. But I’m more mad at myself as I’ve allowed him to stay and not only have I put up with it, I’ve made excuses for him. My home is like a battle ground to the point I really thought I was having a heart attack. My main reason I haven’t left so far (apart from its MY house) is I live in hope that one day we can be ‘normal’ and live a normal life. And also that he sticks to me like glue. But its now dawning on me that this will never happen. Like I said before – I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the last five years. I’m so deeply unhappy.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Sarame, this will not change. With my ex he went one further and would leave the house faking he was working. There never was a job. He told me this to deceive me and get money out of me. He was using me for money. I am sorry and I kbow this Is painful to hear.
Your situation is so painful to read, as my ex SP’s baby mother described him the same way and her level of happiness too. Like positiveagirl stated, you have to realize that this lifestyle and behaviour of his will never change. And if it does, its merely only temporary and you’ll always find yourself back to square one with him. Financial issues, unhappiness, and just hope that things will get better, will drag on and on and on until you’re just left with nothing and basically a sad a life. I feel as women we are more compelled to want to help people and men in this case. We often care too much and for too long, and become blinded by our love and feelings. And sometimes it does work for people, but in a SP’s case it doesn’t. And once we come to realization about that, then we can finally move on. I commend you for sticking this out for 5 years, but ultimately your happiness is what’s important and at stake here.
My ex would get a job, but after a week his boss and coworkers would start to figure out the BS lies he told at work. He would come home and whine about how his coworkers hated him “for no reason”, then he’d quit (or get fired). It’s always someone else’s fault that they can’t hold a job, it’s never theirs.
Here is my story. I am still not 100% certain if the guy is a sociopath or not, but either way, I need to get away from him. We were in the same class in high school. Although we knew each other, we were not friends. Now it’s 30 years later and I get a Facebook friend request from him. Our reunion is coming up so I accept. He proceeds to message me about a break up with a girl from our home town that he has recently gone through. I felt bad for him and helped him through it. We quickly became friends and within 2 months we were sleeping together. He was so charming and made me feel a lot better about myself. He told me how to wear my hair so that I’d be more attractive. All the while, he was still corresponding with the woman that he “broke up” with. He never said he loved me. He said it takes him a long time to fall in love. He didn’t want me to tell him that I loved him either. Then he began to tell me about a serious medical problem he has. It was so severe that he can no longer work. However, since he had been living off of savings and winnings from his gambling for so long, he did not qualify for SDI and could not afford his medications. So, I helped him financially to pay for his medicine, doctor’s visits, car repairs, food and rent. I even paid for a trip for him to reconcile with his father, which I found out was really to go visit the woman he broke up with. When I confronted him with that, he got very angry and accused me of being a snoop. We don’t live near each other, so he would come to visit and I would pay for his gas and food and give him cash when he left. I would go see him as well. On a few occasions, he would leave me alone in his apartment so he could “run errands”. While I was alone one day, I accidentally knocked a gift bag off of a table and receipts flew everywhere. While cleaning up the mess I made, I noticed that they were from expensive make up and jewelry stores and I realized that he was spending the $ I was giving to him for what I thought were living expenses on the woman he broke up with. Then, I found out from a mutual friend that he DOES get SDI and Medicaid and even food stamps. I stopped giving him $. He still tells me about his financial woes, but I have told him I don’t have any more $ to give him. We are still in touch today and still see each other – although less frequently. He gets angry at the drop of a hat and says horrible hurtful things when he is angry. Then a few hours later acts like nothing happened. He never wants to discuss it – but always brings up my “snooping” and berates me for it. He still says he loves the woman he broke up with and now is texting and talking to another friend of mine. She says she loves him and he is OK with that – even though he didn’t want me to say it. He can be terribly mean one minute and then nice as pie the next. As our relationship progressed and he met some of my friends, he made it clear the ones that he didn’t like and didn’t want me to associate with. Since then, I have pretty much severed ties with all of my friends. I am alone most every night. That makes cutting him out of my life even more difficult. I could go on and on about the things he has said and done to me, but you get the gist. Most of these traits seem to fit sociopathic behavior, however, some of the other traits mentioned, I am not sure he has. I realize that I sound pathetic, stupid and gullible for allowing this to happen to me and for putting up with it. I feel stuck and don’t know how to get out of this! I am going to seek counseling. But, I would like to know if others thing this guy is a sociopath, or if I am just the most gullible naïve person ever born! Thanks for any feedback!
Hi Kathy, yes your friend is a textbook SP! When you start researching more and reading other articles , on this blob and others, you will see everything you have describe to us is the normal behavior of a SP. Your going to have to have NO contact with this man if you plan on healing yourself! I hope everything work out for you! But it will you will bounce back!!
OMG! Kathy, your story is ‘almost’ identical to mine. I stuck it out with my SP in the hope that one day we will have a “normal” life! I can tell you for sure – THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN!! In fact things will only get worse. FIVE long years I have lived in hope of a normal life. I am at the point that now my health (as well as my bank account) is suffering. Only yesterday I went to A&E as I thought I was having a heart attack. I have done everything, hit the booze, anti depresents, cried, screamed and shouted. I feel I have almost hit rock bottom. I say almost because I’m scared of where I will be when I am at the bottom of my hideous nightmare. I have NEVER been so unhappy in my entire life. BUT, the new year is coming and I have promised myself and my long suffering (grown up) children that I will not be taking him with me into. The new year! My absolute promise is that the first week of the new year he will be gone from my home and my life and I will never take on another burden again. I know its going to be hard for me, but for the sake of my future I have to bite the bullet. I’m positive, that one day I will look back and wonder why the hell I put up with that vile man for so long. I am going to take the advice from this blog and have ZERO contact. Good luck Kathy, I hope you come to your senses soon and get shot of your burden and start enjoying your life, as I intend to. Sara x
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
He is definitely a S-O-C-I-O-P-A-T-H!
Please don’t feel “naive, gullible” or any other negative words about yourself either. This person was being everything you wanted to be, to extract what they wanted from you. It happens obviously to a lot of us. In fact I believe the more successful and intelligent of a person you are, the more of a challenging victim you become. It’s a game to them, NOTHING to do with you. It’s your kindness and love, they are counting on. My theory is, any person with real dignity isn’t going to just TAKE from someone they barely know, let alone ask. So do not judge yourself harshly for someone who was looking for a free ride.
NIBSIH.