The relationship with the sociopath is over – so why can’t you let go? – Take me to your drug dealer!

The person that you dated, was selfish, unreliable, dishonest, untrustworthy, manipulative, destructive. The list goes on and on. It’s is hardly a list of personality traits for your perfect catch and ideal partner?

You know this, in your heart you know this, yet still you have a longing to have answers, closure, you might delude yourself that things can be ‘fixed’. That with compromise, that you really could work things out, and be together. All of these thoughts run through your head. You feel pain in your heart from:

  • The way that you were treated – especially if you were cruelly discarded or emotionally/physically abused
  • The thoughts of all the lies, the false empty promises – the life you were promised, the dream that you were promised, but that never came true
  • You have invested so much, maybe you are owed so much
  • The sociopath has created addiction and dependency to them

The last point is an important one. So I will repeat it again The sociopath has made you dependent on him/her

You might have been a smart, articulate, intelligent, focused person before you met the sociopath. I am not saying that you are not now, you still are. What has happened is that the sociopath is like a drug dealer


Yes, that is right the sociopath behaves like a drug dealer, and you take what they have to offer. Of course, you are not aware that you are being sold a drug, or that you are being made dependent. All that you know is that you like the feeling of being with him/her. If you have split, you cannot resist the thought of contacting, to see what they are doing. Even if that just means looking at social networking sites.

People who are drug users, quickly lose contact with others not in the ‘drug scene’, this is because:

  • They have more in common with other users, than non users
  • They do not experience judgement from other users
  • They become isolated from people like old friends and family, because of the above two reasons

The sociopath will walk into your life, and after the interview and observing you, he will sell you back yourself. The sociopath will offer to fill in the blanks that you are advertising as missing in your life. The sociopath will quite easily become what you want. It doesn’t matter if he/she doesn’t have the desired criteria that you are looking for. That doesn’t matter at all, he/she already knows that if he/she can fake it for long enough so that you are hooked, and in love, he/she is onto a winner.

Love is a drug – the sociopath is the dealer – and you, the victim are the user!

I know, you might read this and it could  appear far fetched. But isn’t. You might tell yourself, that this isn’t related to you?  I spent 27 years working with homeless people, working with hundreds of people who had long term drug addiction problems.

I am not referring to sociopaths being drug dealers in a literal sense. But they are actually selling you a drug. The drug of love. Once you are hooked, it becomes very difficult to leave, and very easy to manipulate you. Even when you do leave, you are stuck with what feels like a drug dependency. Worse, is that if you allow it, the sociopath will continue to ‘feed you’ the drug, through what they put on social networking sites, if you read their profiles for your latest ‘fix’.

This is why the sociopath will often say ‘do you love me?’or ‘I love  you’ and then afterwards will say ‘do you love me?’…. they are constantly checking to see if you are ‘in love’

The sociopath creates dependency, just as a drug dealer at first gives out drugs for free, so that its drug users will become dependent on the drug. The sociopath works in the same way. The sociopath sells you the drug of love  – by

  • Telling you what you want to hear
  • Mirroring you
  • Offering false empty promises for the future
  • Creating a false persona of the perfect person for you
  • He/she is creating a ‘high’ that you will become addicted to, and find difficult to leave

I remember reading an Allen Carr book about quitting smoking. He asked people if when they started smoking that they thought they would be smoking for the next 30 years, or even the rest of their life? Of course  they said no.

If someone had asked you at the beginning of the relationship with the sociopath, do you want to be abused for the rest of this relationship? Are you agreeing to be controlled? Are you agreeing to being manipulated, and losing your own identity to be whoever the sociopath wants you to be?

Of course, if you were told this in the beginning, you would have said a straight, flat out NO!! Instead, you are sold a pack of lies, a false persona, and an illusion. You fall in love with what you ‘think’ is reality.

This is often what drug dealers do. A memory of this to illustrate, is because of my work, I knew that crack cocaine could be very addictive. When it first came to my city, drug dealers were handing heroin addicts a rock of crack, free with every deal of heroin. I recall saying to the person who was telling me about this, that this was crack cocaine. The punter said ‘yeah I know, it’s coke all the stars take it’…he didn’t think it was a big deal. He was being sold the illusion – not the reality. What he was actually being sold was an illusion of a different drug, that was more socially acceptable, and  glamorous.  It wasn’t long of course, before he had a crack cocaine habit. It was later that he realised that had he had been conned, but it was too late – he was now addicted to both crack and heroin.

The addiction of the sociopath high

The sociopath, just like the drug dealer in the above example, exploits your weaknesses to later manipulate and control you. He offers you something that you think you need, or are looking for in your life. Feeling that you are getting what you need, you become hooked. After all, you are being sold your dreams. Positive thoughts about yourself, are sold back to you. You feel a high, and euphoric.

Later in the relationship, as the truth starts to unravel, you see that you have been lied to, conned. You struggle to believe the truth, and partially you don’t want to either. You don’t want the dream to be a con. You want it to be reality.

The euphoric feeling that drug users feel, is not real. It is felt when the drug is taken. Taking the drug gives you the fix. If it felt bad all the time, people would never become addicted to drugs. At first it feels good. The drug dealer continues to feed you, whilst taking all of your money for what he is giving you. It is when you cannot afford to pay, but you still have the addiction to the high, that the problems start to surface. You are now hooked, under the sociopaths control.

Escaping the sociopath and the lure of addiction

The sociopath will continue to contact you, play victim, promise to change. You will question your mind.  After all you are now ADDICTED – and you want the GOOD feeling….. you just don’t want the BAD that goes with it.

The good feelings are all in your head. This is not real life. In fact that longing for the good feeling is actually bad for your health.

The longer that you stay with it, the more (just like a drug user) you will lose. You risk losing

  • Yourself, your self worth, self confidence, self esteem, reputation
  • Your home
  • Friends and family
  • Finances

Like a drug user you risk then becoming isolated. Others do not understand.

Have you ever quit smoking?

It’s like that.  Leaving a sociopath is very similar to this. You have to go through the withdraw period. Just like it is important not to smoke ONE cigarette…. it is also important to have NO contact with the sociopath. Having contact will give you a short time fix for the drug that you are craving, that euphoric high – but also the cycle for more will continue.

If you ever have quit smoking, you will know that the longer that you go without, the easier it gets over time.

See this as an addiction. Something that is NOT good for your health. Yes, you might feel weak or broken right now, but that is because the sociopath has taken your strength, but it is still there within you.


Keep moving forward, and live a healthy life, sociopath free!! 🙂

Copyright 2013

293 thoughts on “The relationship with the sociopath is over – so why can’t you let go? – Take me to your drug dealer!”

  1. My Ex husband (Sociopath) cannot give up on contacting me. I don’t know how many times I have told him only in an emergency (we have a child together) but he does not listen – he still wants to remain in control and continues to play mind games, the only difference I know now is what he is doing.

    1. Tell him NOT to contact you. Unless it is about the child. If he does contact you, and tries to talk about US – say you have to end the call- put in boundaries, and stick to them. sociopaths are like teenagers. And you as the mother of their child, they will rebel against. if they can. Document everything, in case he turns and decides to use information against you.

      It is difficult when you have children, as they use this as a weapon – but remember you are the parent with the child – so you really have control. they do not like losing control. or not winning. As you know.

      How long ago did you split?

      1. I dated a narcissistic psycho/socio for about 7 1/2 months. We just broke up 2 months ago. He is highly intelligent and his mind games were highly sophisticated, so still after the breakup I though he was the most honest and sincere man in the planet. He is 12 years older than me. I literally felt like I was crazy after the breakup, as he continued to contact and treat me as if I still was his gf. It was an emotional roller coaster with high anxiety and depression. One night after hitting an all time low I decided to google narcissistic relationships and was shocked about how well it described him. After that I found the courage to tell him to not contact me. I had major withdraws afterwards mixed with hate mixed with episodes of missing him, of being in denial. I became very addicted to him, as he never openly mistreated me physically or even verbally. On the contrary, he showed to be very supported whenever he felt like being supportive. He’s very diplomatic and again, never insulted me or put me down without me even knowing it. He’s extremely good at being “normal” the “kindest and most honest” man on earth. So it’s very difficult for me to accept that he has this dysfunction, and many times I still see him on a weekly basis because we take classes together. I ignore him completely. No eye contact or anything. I act strong and indifferent, but then I struggle with wanting to contact him and work things out as I am still questioning my own sanity, because I completely lost it after the breakup while trying to seek revenge.

  2. This is so dead on point. A great piece of information. I’m finally in the acceptance phase of recovery. I’m coming out of the dark. It has taken me almost a year of great websites like this one to get to this stage. Thank god for the Internet. Hope one day everybody on this planet is made aware of these evil creatures and educated about them. And maybe one day laws will get approved to make them register like a sex offender has too. That would be a great day if that happened. Anyways very nice work.

    1. That would be awesome!! A registry for sociopaths!!! I’m glad I read your comment, I thought I was crazy for taking (now going on) 9 months to get over my ex sociopath. I truly hope we never go through this again!!! I’d like to think that now, I’m a little wiser that it will never happen again.

  3. Hello there…each day I feel stronger..=D( but they are like drugs 😦 strange I never had any addictios…never smoke never had alcohol..not even sugar I eat…but she became one:(
    well I never went back to her youtube to read her you told me..if I read is breaking the non contact..
    my question is.. I have a very active youtube..I am a rehabilitator of animals and I make lots of videos about them.. for years and many important videos there..and many who follow me ..for this videos about rehabing animals.. like your blog here..
    what I dont want is to give her a source of supply …I dont know since I block her all over..if she enters about animals and dont talk ( beacause of her ) I shut the comms she cant write or read if I do . I do on private .
    But they say they sociopaths and narc NPD need any source of supply …and I think she is def borderline .she has anorexia when I left he she wanted me to know she was no eating anymore =)
    well I cant stop my life for her for fear ..hopefully is not a lie this new passion she found and he will be her next supply. as I told you she has no freinds on her yt and so she posts new details of this new love just for me to read…but today has been 1 week I stop to see =D
    thanks again
    ps sociopath women can be borderline??

    1. Hi, yes I have read that often females can be diagnosed with histrionic or BPD rather than sociopathy. I do not know how true this is. Good for you sticking to no contact with regard to you and your videos, just continue as you would and try to forget about her (I know that is tough) =the more you focus on YOU and YOUR LIFE the less time to have to focus on her life – each day you will see recovery and start to get stronger.

      1. You are right…I so want that to just forget her..I hate this…I never been somebody to just be feeling like this..I do find both on her the sociopath and the borderline…so much .. I feel that I am still a mess.. I know now all that did..and that she is..but I’m not social service and I don’t need to care about her..It was bad I ever read those things that is what made me feel bad..she writes words the best way to get to me.. and I am ashamed to say it did:( took me to a set back..why did I ever read it!..sure I wont ever read..I dont get why if they find another lover = supply for attention and to use.. why still want me to know details!!??Bothers me that she thinks I am reading and I am not anymore but I know her..she will think I am..but well she is pathetic.. and I need to let go of this shame and find me..I will keep my videos and live my life =)
        I must say I dont have panic attacks anymore at night! its odd I had this panics at night I was chocking ..every night!! since I ended for good and never spoke to her stop!!!!!!!!!!=)
        thank you

  4. Totally agree its like an addiction. Except this is a living breathing drug that mutates when you try to beat it. There is no other way than to quit cold turkey and apply the no contact rule to the extreme. As in my case this can be difficult if you have children but no contact means no contact. Get creative with how you handle the sharing of the children keeping in mind that the sociopath will use children as tools. All the best to those that have been or are in the clutches of sociopaths.

  5. It’s been about 2 weeks since he left my place. About a week since I started no contact. I know this will take time, but I’m finding that I miss him (the him that I loved, the fake him) a little more each day, even though going about my routine each day is getting a little bit easier. I’ve gone back to exercising. My friends and family have been super supportive, and I’m headed to church (haven’t been in years) this morning. I know I’m doing everything that I need to do to move on…but this really sucks. I dream of him just about every night. And I wake up missing his arms around me, missing hearing his laugh. I was only in this relationship for little less than a year and we lived together for about 6 months, but this is the most difficult breakup I’ve ever experienced. I wish I could just eliminate him from all areas of my mind!

    1. Hello saved. I am in a similar situation. I was with my fraud-love for a little less than a year and I only just saw the mask completely slip about 3 weeks ago. I went through everything described above – shock, not wanting to believe, accepting (theoretically) that what happened really happened, etc. But I, too, cannot stop thinking about him. I miss the man I fell in love with despite that he is a complete fantasy. The worst thing for me right now is that I can’t concentrate on anything else. I feel I have lost my entire life to this maniacally cycle of thinking about what happened. I retrace my steps and the things that occurred between us and then I go back and do it again. This is how I fall asleep each night and it is what I think of first when I wake up. In all honesty I feel insane. I have a young son (not with him) but I feel I’m being a disengaged and neglectful mother right now. I can’t get work done. I can’t even motivate myself to exercise or eat on time or get together with other people. It all feels like so much work and my heart aches all of the time. If anyone has suggestions for how to busy yourself or refocus, I would love to hear them. Thank you.

      1. This happened to me 7 years of insanity, and when he discarded me I felt alone and wondered what happened. He left me for another woman and I blamed myself and after 6 months he contacted me and lied and tries to be my friend like we were never together. I had a hard time in the beginning every night cringing and .every morning. What has worked for me is Praying all the time for god to help me and bring my soul back because he robbed me of everything, money,self-esteem physical abuse and the list goes on.. You just have to remember at all times this man was SICK and you did nothing to him to deserve this and just remember too he will find another victim and he or she will go thru the same treatment as you did and Thank the Lord your not his victim anymore. They never change they just change victims and have no CONSCIOUS at all.

      2. Absolutely Marion, thank you for your comments! 🙂 I am glad that you have found strength, i agree that sometimes when there is nowhere else to go…. I ask the universe for help, I have found it to be effective too.

      3. Still In Shock – It’s been more than a month now, and it gets better with time! Just stick to ‘no contact’ and continue to surround yourself with good people. Even when I don’t feel like seeing anyone else or socializing, I force myself to do it and feel better afterwards. And I pulled out all the stops to get myself in a better place – started a journal, went back to church, started seeing a therapist, etc., etc. I will NOT let this destroy me, no matter how many tears I’ve cried or hours of sleep that I lost. And I keep telling myself that I need to be thankful that this didn’t last for longer! Sending you much light and good vibes!!!!

      4. I know exactly how you feel! Going through the same emotions. My situation is less than 24 hours old. Clues along the way that I turned my eyes to…makes me angry! I found out he was having an active relationship with another women. He was cold, unemotional and never said he was sorry when confronted. Told me that he never intended to keep our relationship going but he was trying to help me. That one day I would be thanking him for all the help he gave me…that actually made me laugh! I feel defeated and emotionally wrecked! Such a scary thought and I feel like such an idiot for believing his lies. But he was so good at it!!
        I am grateful for this site and the information that I never knew existed. You are not alone!! I hope that you can move forward with your life:)

      5. Hey, it is early days, if 24 hours. It is very normal to feel angry, and also lots of other emotions. To feel a sense of loss. Worst of all the sense of betrayal. Feeling stupid, and angry at yourself. You know the biggest way forward is when you forgive yourself. Stay strong, take one day at a time.

      6. Well this sociopath contacted me while he was down here from Seattle and wanted to see me and his so, called dog. Can you believe this and he’s living with his new target. They just don,t change. He got angry because he is losing his control but It made me feel good to know that I had the strength to say NO and maybe now he will stop. Boy I do feel sorry for his victim up there she will be in the same boat Iam now and thank god my prayers are keeping me strong.

      7. Ah that ‘angry’ face of rage when they don’t get what they want, or are starting to lose control!!!…. its quite something huh? Well done you for having the strength to say NO, I really hope that you rewarded yourself for doing so and for being strong!! 🙂

      8. He tried calling and when I would not answer he texted so. I really didn’t get to see him angry but his response was he would try and not have a problem that I don’t want to be his friend. I don’t know.Is he angry?

      9. Hi..This is very hurtful to write but this site is helping me to face reality. I think I really don’t want to. Today is the first day I haven’t woke up thinking about him even tho most of the things I read on here apply to him. I have been working on disengaging for almost two years when his attitude toward me changed. I couldn’t prove anything but feeling something was amiss. Of course, the accusations had been coming to me for awhile regarding other women but were so great together and he denied it all. This time tho, he looked right through me and I felt discarded, a word that passed through my mind even though I knew nothing about this site . It was a year ago that I saw a flash of anger in his eyes when he looked at me, as if I was in his way, even though he didn’t go ballistic, just quietly looked at me like I was nothing and left me. He had mistakenly said her name and he never had done that before. I was devastated, crushed, humiliated. He had ben seeing us both dating back to when I noticed the attitude change… 1 /2 yrs. I found pics of them together and they looked so happy and settled. I went into seclusion, depressed and numb. I have only been able to face life for the past two months… feeling like I was drowning, having anxiety attacks, crying, pain so bad I thought I would die, wishing I could stay in the dark and never come out..but I have great supportive friends and family, especially one to whom I told everything. She never judged me…and held me up when I was drowning until I finally saw land and hit the shore, bruised and broken, weak and shaken, my confident self nothing but a distant memory. He and I are not in contact, although we went through the stage of him denying she was anything but a friend and how he missed me and wanted to see me again. It was him that established the no contact, after telling me I was crazy because I told her..I now see that is a waste of time..he has her addicted to him as I am/was..It’s been a taste of hell becoming unaddicted to this man, this love of my life. Now?? I am numb inside, a bit lacking in feeling, but I know that I am getting better. Numb is better than drowning and I find my playful self returning..people describe me as bubbly, a people person, happy, energetic..and I think it is only me who knows the void in my soul…but slowly, I am becoming me again. I am going to go for counselling, to talk this through now that I know they aren’t going to call in the men with the straight jackets, now that I can talk about this without breaking down. I have picked myself up, assessed the damage, and I understand I will keep my soul for me and not hand it over along with my heart again. My life belongs to me again and with a little help from my friends, I plan to live it. No turning back.

      10. everything you’ve said is exactly how I feel. I have never in my life thought about someone every second of every minute of every hour of every day before. I don’t know how to stop. I love someone who I know doesn’t love me. His sister told me that when he says he loves me it doesn’t mean anything because he says it to evey girl. She said that she knows he cares about me because when he does talk about me she sees it in his eyes. If that were true, why would he want to be w/others which I have never caught him but when he can go 1 month an not see me it’s pretty clear he’s getting it from somewhere. Also, his phone is constantly going off when he is w/me. For the second time he’s asked me for money, over $1k. Neither time have i loaned it to him & when I don’t he won’t see me or talk to me for a while. But I don’t know how to stop loving him, caring about him. More importantly I don’t know why I DON’T want to stop. Wish someone could answer that question

    2. Yes, I know how you feel the same has happened to me. He tried to contact me and did and lied about being with this other woman and I just have to believe that the Lord will heal me and bring my soul back.He really was a monster. toke everything from me and didn’t; look back. I do believe that one day Karma will get him and break him so bad that he will not function anymore.

      1. Marion; One of the most ironic things to me about all of this is my sociopath swore left and right and up and down that he loathed lying. He went out of his way to talk about how honest and truthful he always was and he hated anyone who lied. I just kept thinking he must have been very, very wronged in his life. He said he was engaged to only one woman and he broke off the engagement at the 11th hour because she lied to him and was cheating. Now I know this was surely not true. If he ever WAS engaged to her I’m sure she didn’t do the things he accused her of. I really DO wonder if some of them trick themselves into believing the things they say. It seems they might live in altered realities.

        On a different note, I don’t know why my name/title always comes up differently – with an address or “Still in Shock” which is what I originally posted to illustrate my emotional state. All that to say(!!), my name is Jennifer 🙂

      2. Hi Jennifer, I don’t know why it is changing peoples names. I am having problems with messages, some have been sent to spam, and others I cant find at all, some people who have posted before I cant post. It seems to be a software issue with wordpress 😦 I am sorry if this causes inconvenience, am unsure how to resolve it.

      3. Marion; One of the most ironic things to me about all of this is my sociopath swore left and right and up and down that he loathed lying. He went out of his way to talk about how honest and truthful he always was and he hated anyone who lied. I just kept thinking he must have been very, very wronged in his life. He said he was engaged to only one woman and he broke off the engagement at the 11th hour because she lied to him and was cheating. Now I know this was surely not true. If he ever WAS engaged to her I’m sure she didn’t do the things he accused her of. I really DO wonder if some of them trick themselves into believing the things they say. It seems they might live in altered realities.

        On a different note, I don’t know why my name/title always comes up differently – with an address or “Still in Shock” which is what I originally posted to illustrate my emotional state. All that to say(!!), my name is Jennifer 🙂

      4. Hi Jennifer, welcome to the site. I am sorry but having problems with my comments. For some reason, some are not coming up as approved. Am just going through old comments and finding them all.

      5. Dear @Still Wanting. FORGET ABOUT HIM AND MOVE ON.. You will never catch him in lie. They are pathological liars. My S had 6 e-mail accounts, 4 Skype addresses, 3 FB accounts (all that I know). After break-up, I discovered she has been on dating sites hunting lesbians and straight guys!! I was devastated despite being in strict NC. You never know what they go through behind you back. Don’t let your life destroyed, move on…

    3. Saved….I am feeling the exact same way too…its been exactly a year and I cannot stand the constant feeling of longing for him. I miss him so much! If I could go back, I would never ever have said hello. I can’t seem to move forward and feel better…every day seems the same as the one before and as sick as it is, I find myself hoping for a call or a text message. I pray to God for strength every minute and yet I don’t feel like I am stronger. The insanity that I have gone through throughout this entire relationship and especially since this Friday on (I found the condom wrapper in the garbage that we don’t use) has kept me in a state of almost paralysis. I cry a lot and wish so much that he would just call to say “hey baby…I am so sorry and I miss you.”

      1. Why are you letting him have so much control of both you and your life?

        Take back control over you. Also look up ‘co-dependency’ learn yourself, understand why you have felt you needed someone, even someone who treats you so badly and hurts you so much.

        This isn’t your fault. But if you allow it to continue…..take back control over you.

      2. Hello l ;

        I’m so sorry for the pain you are feeling. We can all totally relate.

        Do you mean it has been a year since you have been in a relationship with him or since the relationship ended?

        I think so many of us also long for that text or phone call. Of course I can only speak for myself but I fully admit (and I’m not proud) that I still “want” him to reach out. BUT….he has not and I AM SO THANKFUL for that. And I think you should consider it a blessing if he is not calling you. I really like positivagirl’s suggestions to embrace each day at its own and celebrate what you DO have without him – peace, freedom and the ability to heal.

        Hang in there and be good to yourself. Do something (even if it seems small) that makes you feel good. Talk to a close friend. Watch a funny movie. Anything. You are on the way out of the relationship. Maintain that momentum so you can make sure you NEVER get into another one with a sociopath. That is what I am doing!!


      3. Hey “I”. I cried an ocean “WAITING!”. That’s all I’ve been doing for the last 40 years! I’m like “What the hell is “REALLY” going on? They are the “PEOPLE OF THE LIE” and will protect that “lie” till “DEATH DO US PART!”. I’m outta here. Time to do ME!! I’m not dying for this man. It was all a very well planned scheme. “NOTHING” was real about this relationship except the pain I felt and the love “I” had. (actually, more like obligation), (married with 5 kids)! Although, really? Did I really love him? When I think back. NO, I DID NOT really love this man! He got me pregnant (entrapment), (the love bombing crap wasn’t working), it was a trick from the start! Oh! .. I know it hurts! .. Hold on! Also. “KNOW” you only feel that way because he “PROGRAMMED” you to. It is important to know “WHY” you feel so bad. Basically, he dumped all HIS “BULLSHIT” on you. Google “Peptide Bonds” associated with psychopaths. Also, “COGNITIVE DISSONANCE”. He’s toxic and will poison every aspect of your life if you let him. Keep your head up … and know you are not crazy but “WILL GO” crazy if you continue in a relationship where your needs don’t matter. They do. “HE” JUST DOESN’T CARE! (for so many reasons that have nothing to do with you) It’s that simple. Save yourself and don’t let him steal your time, life, energy, and most of all joy! ❤ … Much love to you …

    4. I can relate to you so much , i was in a 4year relationship with a sociapath , he lied and cheated on me most of the time, we were together.
      I found him out cheating on me, saying he was visiting a friend for a week, , to my horror he was with a woman in Lanzerote, i could never get proof, he lied and lied. Even when i saw his bank statements, showing transactions in lanzerote, still lied his way out of it.
      i carried on seeing him knowing in my heart , he was lying so much, i was always on edge, my gut telling me things were wrong, but you stay its like a drug, its so very hard to break away, they have this hold on you, i just cannot understand myself, i am a strong lady normally, but this guy wore me down so much.
      the final straw was when yet again he was with another woman, had been seeing this poor lady for 2 years !! i then took it upon myself to tell her about me, she was devastated …..i stopped seeing him, it was very hard, as he still contacts me, i have sent him numerous messages asking him to leave me alone, to respect me, but how silly is that, they have no empathy, no remorse, they are control freaks….i just wasted over 4 years of my life with this man.
      I have now met a lovely man, honest kind genuine, its like a breath of fresh air……i have no bad gut feelings when we are apart, but it takes a long time to rid myself of this bad, bad man….they are not easy to get out of your life, as he still thinks its his god given right to be in my life !!!

  6. Thank you and I pray for all the victims who fall prey to these sick people. God Bless all of you

  7. Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments. A little more than one week has passed since I wrote that original entry and I’m happy to say that I DO feel better. However, I still try to just take it “one day at a time.” I must admit that the NO CONTACT has been the most helpful thing. I feel lucky that he has not been in touch b/c if he had been I know I would have had an excruciatingly difficult time not responding in any way. Additionally, it would have refueled my entire cycle of ruminating, time-wasting thoughts about him.

    I have done many of the things you all have suggested: Going to see my therapist, talking openly about what happened with friends and family who I know will not judge me and will support me through anything, taking time to get out and walk my dogs and also to just be gentle with myself. Do many of you find yourselves metaphorically “kicking yourselves” for not picking up on more of the signs? I’m trying to not beat myself up too much.

    Something that has also helped me is that my sociopath seems to have gone into a serious reclusive phase. He has deactivated his Facebook account and stopped being in touch with anyone (I just know this b/c we DID have a few common friends who asked me immediately what was going on with him – other than that I share nothing with common friends, only with my own). Is this a common thing too? For people with this type of personality disorder to kind of fall off the grid for a spell? This has certainly made it easier for me to stop thinking about him (“out of sight, out of mind”) but it worries me to think of what might happen if and when he decides to re-emerge in society and regain his control of everything (as he perceives it in his unhealthy mind). Again, I am so happy to be part of this online community. Thank you.

    1. Well I think that he can be doing one or two things, either looking for another source or like they say sociopaths can isolate for weeks at a time and mine ust to do that too. I.m very blessed to be able to communicate to this website to and realize there are woman hurting just like me for the same reasons.But just remember at all times they can resurface weeks,months, years later so, always keep that in mind and keep loving yourself and I know for one that Iam starting to feel better about myself and not kicking myself everyday that I too never saw the signs even when he cut my arm,, slapped me in the face and kicked me out of my own car on the freeway at 3am in Oakland so, be kind to yourself and just to let you know I care about you because I know the deep deep pain you are in. I pray you have total peace soon. Marion

      1. Oh my goodness, Marion. I am stunned to hear that he cut you and kicked you out of a car. I am so sorry yet incredibly relieved to know you are no longer with him.

        Has yours gotten back in touch? I’m so nervous about this happening because I want to be strong and able to stand up for myself by not responding. What overwhelms me the most is the “addicted” feeling I have for him. Despite now being able to truly “see” what happened, I feel this hooked, almost longing sensation for what I thought we had. It shames me to admit that I harbor these feelings but I’m trying to be proud of the fact that I’m not acting on them in any way. This is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through. But it DOES hurt less, thankfully.

        Stay strong. I offer complete solidarity.

    2. Still in Shock – part of the battle I’m going through now is forgiving myself for allowing all of this to happen. I’m a successful, independent, strong woman and didn’t even see it coming. I keep thinking, “How in the hell did I let someone in so quickly? Why did I put up with it for as long as I did? Even if it was for just about a year.” It’s something that I told my therapist I want to figure out – what changed in me that I would be okay with all of this? So – yes – try hard not to beat yourself up. I’m trying very hard to do the same.

      On any given day, I get angry and sad and I miss him all at once. Don’t shut out your emotions. Let it runs its course, like a virus. Can’t take meds to cure it – just have to sleep and rest and eat right and drink lots of fluids and eventually you’ll feel better. That’s what I’m doing anyway – a bunch of things that I know are healthy for me and praying that, with time, I’ll be better.

      My sociopath has done the same as yours for the most part. The first few weeks I got texts and phone calls, and then eventually, he just disappeared. I deactivated FB for a while myself – didn’t want the questions from friends, didn’t want to see pictures of mutual friends with him. (The mutual friends who know the truth understand – the rest of them can go to hell for all I care). Then I re-activated and blocked everything/everyone that I didn’t want to see. I realized that I was going to hide…I was just going to block him out of my life. I ended up speaking to one of his ex’s and she said he did the same thing to her. I think, though I’m not sure, that he’s not violent…and pretty lazy – so the effort is too much. He needs to regroup, fall off the radar, so he can move on to the next. She told me that he would re appear once in a while just to ‘be friends.’ And the texting would be, ‘How are you?’

      Keep to the no contact. And hopefully, but the time he emerges, you’ll have moved on. Be well! xo

      1. Saved: Hello 🙂 It sounds like it’s been almost a month since your guy left? You and I are essentially on the same time schedule. Big difference is that I didn’t live with him. A huge fact that is eating me up is that I made huge changes and life decisions based on what I thought was an “it” relationship. With him. (begin kicking self…)

        I too am a successful, independent, hard working woman. I live in Maryland. I’ve been a single mom for the past 5 years and just finished my PhD in public health. I own my own home, have an amazing, loving son and many good friends. I am close with my family. Yet, I feel like the biggest fool because of this. I actually accepted a position on the west coast so I could move to be with this man. I put my house on the real estate market, accepted a position on the west coast, found a house to rent in our new location, pulled my son out of school, etc. Last month my son and I went out west to finalize the rental deal and figure out his new school. This is when my sociopath “let the mask slip.” He was horrible to me. Accused me of lying, told me I did not value him, said I didn’t truly love him. I had a nightmare of a week being in the same town as him but he refused to see or talk to me. He would call me horrific things via text and then send me a FB message saying “I am sorry. I love you.” I thought he was on drugs. I was baffled and hurt and confused. It was not until after that week that I started researching and uncovered this is what he truly is. For one week after this trip he sent me loving, apologetic, desperate messages. But in all this time he would never talk to me on the phone. He would only send written messages. When I suggested I thought he was lying to me, tricking me, etc. it all turned. He became a verbal monster. Said I was a “horrible human being.” He said I was insane and needed psychiatric intervention. He said I was an alcoholic and said over and over “f*#& you!” and called me a “f’ing c_nt.” Then it all stopped. I stopped and he stopped. He told a few mutual friends how much he loved and missed me, then he went away.


        I fear the time he re-emerges but also feel a bit anxious that we are actually moving to the same town as him while we are now ~3000 miles away. I changed my whole life and got in too deep to turn back so I have to go through with the job. I’m banking on the fact that my sociopath is also seemingly VERY lazy and unambitious (like yours). And I don’t think he is violent, apart from his words.

        This whole thing is such a nightmare.

      2. Yes, mine never worked in 7 years. He was on drugs but it took me awhile to stop denying it to myself. He would pick fights just to leave weeks on end and woman too. The only reason now that he is gone from san Jose to Seattle is because this woman to has a home and will take care of him but who knows not ever woman can stand this abuse for long his mask will come off once the honeymoon stage is over. He could never last being nice. Now, I too feel the same about how strong I can be when he comes back and at this time all I.m doing is praying to God I stay strong when he goes to text or call like the last trip. But he might be bringing that woman to show off he does stuff like that to impress people to show them he has changed but he can’t fool me anymore.Remember YOU WILL ALWAYS be a source of SUPPLY>

      3. Jenniferw1970:

        Hi there! Yes, I threw him out 5 weeks to the day. Happy anniversary to me! LOL

        Good luck with your new move. Stay away from him and see this as a positive step in your life – lots of opportunity for change. I’m very far away (I moved to a new place fairly recently) from where I’m originally from, so keep your family and friends as close as you can – skype, e-mailing, texting. Hopefully, by the time he realizes that you’re so close, he’ll have moved on to the next woman and you’ll have healed even more. I shared some e-mails with my therapist recently and I realized that I didn’t even recognize the person who wrote them – and it was me the whole time! He brought out a part of me I didn’t even know existed. I see now (months and weeks later) that I was begging for his love, begging for him to stay, etc., etc. It’s sobering really. But the fact that when I re-read those e-mails, I’m realizing how bad it all was, instead of crying and missing him, and it’s a step in the right direction. My ‘old’ brain is coming back. 🙂 And yours will too. 🙂

        If I were you, I would also just check into jobs back in Maryland in case things don’t work out in CA. If you have to lose a lease, and move your son back, all in the name of sanity and good health – take the hit. It’s better than being stuck in a place with a mad man who won’t leave you alone. Who knows? He might just disappear and you might love living there!

        I’ll be praying for you (and all the victims here) as you make your new transition. In the meantime, love yourself! Do things that make you happy. I noticed very recently that I’ve been reconnecting with things I enjoyed doing as a child – being outside, spending time with active people playing catch or being out on the water…even crocheting which my grandmother taught me when I was 5 years old. I’m redecorating my place a bit to get every last bit of him out of my personal space – I’m tired of looking around and being able to make associations. And I plan on ‘cleansing’ my place with sage and lavender this weekend and reorganizing with some feng shui. This whole thing is turning me into a hippy. LOL. But I figure, as long as it makes me happy, I don’t really care what the hell it’s doing. Stay strong, girl.

      4. Well,. all his texts have been just like you said How are you? Before I came to really understand what I was truly with I did respond and things just got worse for me. Now he has been coming back to San Jose to visit and tries to see me even thou he lives with this woman and lies about it. He was here 6 weeks ago and now he is about to come back again on Thursday but this I will NOT see or speak with him for any reason. He uses his dog that i was left with to see me but this time he is in for a big surprise the dog is mine and I love it alot and have been caring for it for over 3 years. When I was with him he cheated all the time in and out of jail and leaving me and now he wants to play the same song and dance but it’s over. I spent 7 years and now I want to breath again and not have the same trash around. I to get very angry and then sad but the difference now is that I know now his twisted mind and I choose not to let this happen ever again. I try every day to move forward and it’s hard but at least now I don’t have to take his abuse and blame myself and the other woman can have him and all his sociopath ways. God help her that’s all I have to say. God Bless nice to hear from you and I will keep you in my prayers. Marion

  8. Hello positivagirl;

    FIrst – thank you for this site. I must say it has really, really helped me understand what I went through, “what” a sociopath is (I can’t even say “who” a sociopath is because referring to them as human gives them too much credit in my opinion) and how I can heal. There has been so much power in knowing I am not alone and that I can gain strength from others’ experiences and kind words and thoughts. Very appreciative.

    Second – I read in full about your experiences last night. Wow. I am so sorry and offer complete solidarity and positive energy to you. What an amazing thing you did by turning your nightmare of an experience into something useful for all of us. I wanted to tell you that it was incredibly helpful to read the text messages that your sociopath sent you. Why I say that is, despite having 2 months to process that I was involved with a mentally sick man, there are still times I struggle to accept it. Every time I see evidence that he IS IN FACT a bonafide sociopath – it helps. And seeing the texts that you received confirmed that my guy DOES have an antisocial personality disorder – his written cadence, poor spelling and repetition of “DO NOT CONTACT ME” and “have a good life” and “you are a horrible person” and “you are a liar” were almost mirror images of what I received. It both satisfied and horrified me.

    One of the hardest things for me is when I loop back to sadness and missing my crazy nut job. “What is wrong with me?” I ask internally. It is torture. Theoretically I know why it is occurring. The addiction component, having lost control, being brainwashed, etc. but it continues to be so painful and depressing. The intensity of these feelings is now muted but still there. Some days are better than others.

    My best wishes to you all for today. Has been wonderful to communicate with you, especially Saved and Marion. Thank you for the conversation 🙂

    1. Thanks Jennifer, I did debate whether to put those texts there. (as the sociopath does read my blog) but It is typical behaviour of what they say at the end to make you feel worthless. It is so crazy. What do you mean when you say what is wrong with you? I think the trick is to focus on you and not on the sociopath.

      1. Hi positivagirl;

        When I said I ask, “What is wrong with me?” I meant I do it because this whole experience turned me upside down. I find myself kicking myself thinking “why didn’t I notice what he truly was sooner? Why didn’t I pay more attention to what I NOW recognize as huge red flags. But of course I didn’t know what they were at the time. It took me months to figure out how sick he is. But it still upsets me and wonder about how vulnerable I will be to falling prey to another sick person like him. It frightens me.

      2. It isn’t there there is anything wrong with you not seeing it, they are manipulative and deceptive. How could you know? You are not the paranoid one, why would you mistrust someone unless they gave you reason to? And questions you ask to check, they simply lie. It isn’t that your judgement was wrong. It was that they were dishonest. This is no reflection on you, but him. Just don’t go into another relationship, unless you feel really healed from the last one. Or you are at risk of meeting another! 🙂

      3. I noticed some of his comments below. Really interesting to ponder what he thinks of the fact that he is publicly being called out as a sociopath. I DO still wonder if they truly know “what” they are. I know they are calculating and aware of everything they deliberately do to hurt people but I wonder if they are able to have a conscience about how sick they truly are. Not that it would make any difference. I am just curious.

      4. Hi again positivagirl – I meant “below” in your texts. When he was making reference to “your readers” and so many references to how you are spreading lies about him (“you are crazy and seeing as you are happy to spread lies about me so before I leave its only fair that the right people need telling some truths!”) This made it clear to me that he is reading your blog. I wonder if in their minds they BELIEVE we are really the liars? It seems they might even brainwash themselves.

      5. Ah right, yes he has read my blog from the beginning. We were together a lot then, those early posts were really as the behaviour happened 🙂

      6. I would never have been able to write with such detail, if he wasn’t in my life. As I would have been reliant on memory. I think it stops being that way with the post take up a chair lets talk, I write at the bottom of that post, that he was around all the time whilst writing those early posts.

    2. Jennifer –

      Hi there! How are you doing? Have you made your move yet? I think of you from time to time and hope everything is getting better little by little. Every time I think about him, I let myself think about him. And I’m sad, but soon enough the thoughts and memories of him being horrible return. And I’m embracing it as a reminder of where I don’t want to be anymore!

      Recently, I shared a bunch of correspondence with my therapist from when we were together. And in re-reading them, I didn’t even recognize who I’d become. I was ashamed to be basically begging for his love despite his abusive tendencies. Don’t beat yourself up – yes, we all allowed our sociopaths to abuse us – for whatever reasons. I ask myself frequently, “What changed in me that I became so seemingly co dependent?” And through therapy, maybe I’ll find the answer. But the answer I’m telling myself now? “You had to go through this so that you’ll never sell yourself for anything less than what you’re worth! You’ll never let this happen with another man again. You didn’t love yourself enough and you needed a reminder of how important loving yourself is!”

      I’ve been also doing things lately that I loved to do when I was a child. Being outside, going out boating, horseback riding. My support circle has been amazing. And the extra time I have to myself is filled with all of my ‘re-discovered’ interests and with meeting new people. I don’t decline invitations to anything so that I can keep an open mind and open heart. Even people at work are noticing my uplifted spirit.

      So…in closing…Smile, laugh, and love those around you. Don’t let all of this make you hard. Let it be an opportunity for you to hit the reset button in your life and start fresh. And be thankful that we got out of our situations within a year – it could have gone on longer (I can’t even imagine).

      -Saved (and relieved! and getting happy again! LOL)

      PS – I too wish to thank all of the posters here and postivagirl for running the site as it has assisted me tremendously. Until I found this site, I thought I was just sad and crazy. It was so nice to know I wasn’t alone!

      1. Hello Saved! Nice to hear from you – I think of you as well and wonder how things are going on your end. I’m so happy to have had this chance to share our experiences. I know I’ve said it many times but I can’t adequately express how helpful it has been to garner the input and support from women who have gone through the same nightmare experiences. I really appreciate your perspective and approach – not letting all of this be our “ruin” or make us hard. I HAVE been trying to embrace the silver linings and, as you said, turn this all into an opportunity for growth and making a start fresh. I AM thankful that we got out of our situations within a year. People keep telling me – “you dodged a bullet” and “thank goodness you found out now, not years later.” That IS all true. As you know, however, there is nothing like being hooked by a sociopath. That amazing ride, the fantasy of perfect love – what an out of this world illusion. So happy to be out of it but boy is it hard to heal. But I suppose that is what we are doing, right?!

        We are moving in two weeks. My head is spinning but with this transition I am also trying to focus on the positive.

        Happy Friday 🙂

      2. Jennifer:

        Yes! We ARE healing! Hang in there and keep on doing what you’re doing. We’ll look back on this time and smile about how much stronger this has made us. Funny you mentioned the ‘dodged a bullet’ phrase. I must have heard it about a million times! 🙂

        Stay positive. And you know that you can find support here! Happy Friday backatcha!


  9. Jennifer and Positive: Thank you for getting back with me…it seems that you are certainly bombarded with lots of people (men and women alike) who are looking for help and answers. I came home from work (actually not much work since I cannot concentrate) and got online…I went on Craigs List (I dont know if you have it there where you are). It is kinda like a site just for personals/services/free ads type of thing. Sure enough, he had already posted an ad online looking for a “single, mature woman who knew what she wanted in a man wanting a NSA relationship” pictures of himself and all! I look at this and I just want to reach out to him and ask “how could you tell me you loved me just a few days ago? The feeling of abandonment and hopelessness is worse than anything I have ever felt. I went to his apartment on Friday after he ignored me all night and (he wasn’t home) I found the condom wrappers in the garbage. I took a picture of it and sent it to him and of course he came home ASAP! Took my things and threw them out the door without a word…without explanation…not even an apology to see if I even WOULD take him back. Broke up with me in a text message as I drove home. This pain is the worse thing I have ever felt and I have had longer relationships than with this person. How do you stop loving someone who you always did and thought what they felt was real too? How do you go on day to day when you can’t wrap your head around something that you don’t understand and can’t comprehend? I am also hoping that all our comments here are unable to be seen by the public or by those outside of this forum.

  10. Another thing….if this person is a sociopath and he knows that all it would have taken is probably an apology or trying to make things better, than why not try? Why break up with me? I literally asked him that afternoon “are you doing these things so that I leave you?” His answer was absolutely “no!” I asked “are you wanting to be single…if you are single, you can do whatever you want with no restrictions.” This person answered “I want to be you loyal boyfriend forever and I want you to keep me forever…I know if I am single I will only want to be with you again.” I am so sorry to keep posting, but this has just happened and this is the first time that this sociopath description has ever been presented to me which is making this all very overwhelming! Thank you.

    1. Yes, I know but believe this what ever comes out of their mouth is a lie. They want to look like the nice guy but deep down inside them they are laughing inside and love to see you beg. CONTROL thats all it is. I’m so, very sorry for your pain trust me I KNOW 7 years of it.
      Pray and keep reading

    2. I’m so sorry to say that what Marion stated is true. It seems they lie about everything and the reason he didn’t try to apologize is because he knew he didn’t have to. They somehow realize when you are hooked and they know they don’t have to make that extra effort to keep you b/c they have you right where they want you. Addicted. It sounds like he reached the discard stage. The most horrible part is it leaves you bewildered and dumbfounded. There is no explanation for it and as is said over and over again on these pages, there is no closure. It is hell. I can honestly tell you that having him not contact you right now is the best thing. Embrace that he is doing that b/c it actually forces you to start to step away. Most people on this forum say that their sociopath has boomeranged back and re-entered their lives. Keep your fingers crossed that yours does not do it at all or for a long time until you are healed.

      1. Jen, it’s so heart breaking to see all these woman have to go thru this for no reason other then the fact, that these monsters are so, calculating and evil but I do believe what the bible says and also, the universal law about we reap what we sow. These evil people will have to reap everything they did at one point. Either they will get it on the installment plan or in one lump sum this I believe to be guaranteed. So, that’s something we have to be grateful for.

  11. Thanks for the informative blog! I am just finding out that my bf of almost a year has to be a sociopath. Its heartbreaking to know that he never had any feelings or emotions for me despite being told numerous times a day he loved me. Everyone on here is so supportive and it helps me feel that I am not so alone in this, I am planning on breaking things off with him tomorrow and this kills me to think I have to do so…but as I read what is being said I know I have to do it.

    I feel as if I’ve been in a very bad dream for 10 months of my life and I honestly can say I have no idea how I got to the point I am today. We had plans for the future…for our forever…and he had a fiance in another state! And he’s lived with me for 7 months. Now ti figure out a way to get rid of his stuff…. 😦 I’m so glad I found a place where I can feel that I am not all alone. Thanks!

    1. Hi Brandy welcome to the site. No you are not alone. There are so many of us. In different stages of recovery. As a word of warning as you haven’t ended the relationship, just be aware that the games, manipulation and drama is likely to escalate when you try to end it. Sociopaths do not like to let go of someone if they still have further use for them. They like to be the one to end it. If he is violent at all make sure that you leave in a safe way.

  12. I wish I found your blog long before I died. I see my self standing near my grave gathering torn and toured pieces of my blasted self off the ground, looking at those precious parts of me and wondering if I could ever put them back together. How do you know so much about this breed ??? It sounds like you have known every kind of SPaths as every single article of yours lights up my brain. En route to recovery. They are among us aren’t they? A real human form. Born from a women’s womb. They have a heart that clinically functions, but beats all wrong. It is so sad that he has become the love of my life, and left as the worst thing that ever happened to me and to his mother. Thank you. For your Wisdom

  13. I’m still on this cycle, it just took a few months to be hooked (we met less than 6 months ago) He is the one who finish the relationship every time and I’m the one who ask for a new opportunity. He saus that Im special to him, but he is still texting and calling his ex, he says he doesn’t love me, but I’m living an illusion of being the special one, of being his difference.

    1. All of this is control and secondly, they are unable of any kind of love. They will always have a back up just in case they need a source of supply. He will continue to keep you on a string.They will say or do anything to make you believe what they think you want to hear but believe me they are all lies. By saying all the nice things is also, a way of manipulation to make you feel like you have donej something wrong. Try and read all the comments and you will see how they work. I’m so sorry you have to go thru this we all have been their. I was in one for seven years and he left me for another woman and continues to still text and want to see me and he lives in Seattle and I live in san jose .They are very sick and the best advice I can give you is to focus on yourself and do the no CONTACT. Til then I send my love and prayers.

      1. If the sociopath is only their because you’re a supply of what he wants….if you remove all those sources texhnical they should leave you alone right?

        Me and my boyfriend broke up and he’s saying he doesn’t care if he lives or dies anymore and he wants to kill himself. He says his head is all messed up ans he haant been happy in years and he wants to go to counseling. And I don’t know whether it’s lies or he’s being truthful. I don’t want to ignore someone’s true cry for help.

        So I was thinking since there is no supply from me and he is a true sociopath he should just go away….right? Im truly struggling and I don’t want to just be strung along.

      2. They will say anything to keep you as a source of supply when they need you so, remember who you are dealing with. My soc left me 8 months ago for another woman because he found a new supply but texted me and also, tried to see me. They also, like backups just in case the new one runs out. Stay focused and try and keep the NO CONTACT> Pray

  14. How do I help a friend stuck in the cycle?

    I was married for 27 years. Left my husband more than once. Left 3 years ago and only cut him off completely in the past 3 months. No contact at all. I know it can take time.

    But how do I watch her go back to the lies? I had warned her about the red flags from the start, 4 years ago. And still she kept making excuses for him while she moved in closer. Then the gavel fell and she was brought to her emotional knees. She now spends time at his house. Takes care of his pets while he is away and in exchange he buys her dinner. She says she is in control of it. Yeah, right.

    What can I do to help?

    1. Hi Becks. You can’t unfortunately as she wouldn’t listen anyway. If she is in love with him she wont want it to be true and will be desperate for the good guy that the sociopath is very good at playing. She has to make the decision to leave for herself. All you can do is be there if/when she decides to leave.

      1. I go from feeling so sad for her to being angry. I can see the train coming along the track and she is standing there. I am warning her (only when she talks to me about him) and she insists “this is a different relationship now”. She went to see him yesterday…spent the day isolated all day with him and then drove home in the middle of the night…3 hours away…she got home at 2:30AM. (He doesn’t like to sleep with her because she snores…of course he has more than one bedroom.) She is SO good to me. I can’t watch her hurt herself…It’s like watching her self-destruct. And I refuse to be anywhere he is. And then I feel guilty that she goes alone. I am staying with her for the next few weeks but I will be leaving soon and she will be here alone…which I know will only give him more room to do his thing. But, I have to go. Such a dilemma. Because I know you are right. There is nothing I can do but love her. I cry for her. So sad. 😦

      2. It is ok, whilst it might be very tough for you to watch when you can clearly see what is coming – she will be learning and growing. Maybe she is learning a lesson about what she wants? Be yourself and be there for her. If she becomes odd, realise that she might be being manipulated by him – love her anyway. Try to keep things as normal as possible. Remember that you cannot fix anyone else – only yourself!

      3. Thank you for the advice. I am working on myself as well. I am trying to learn to be accepting and tolerant of other people’s journeys. Writing to you also helped me clear up how I feel and I was able to talk to her about that this morning without criticizing her. I explained that I am hurting watching her put herself in danger again and that it worries me that I won’t be here when the train hits her. She replied “I’ll be ok.” I told her that I love her and she is my best friend in the whole world (no lie, she really is). I told her how wonderful she is and that she deserves so much better than this and that I only wish she could see it. She knows I care and that I am concerned. And that is all I can do. And I have learned how to tell someone how I feel and only control how I communicate my feelings. Thank you.

  15. Hi again. I think I screwed up but am not sure. The saga continues.

    I invited my friend to see a movie with me tonight and she told me she wasn’t well and didn’t want to go.That’s ok. I understand.I even went and got her some soup to help her feel better. I went to bed around 9:30 and woke up around midnight to find an email from here that says that she is at his house until Monday but that did I want to go to the movies with her tomorrow night. I snapped and wrote one question…”You left to him tonight but wouldn’t go the movies with me tonight?” As soon as I hit send I thought I had done the wrong thing. So I wrote a second email telling her to forget the first one but that no, I can’t go tomorrow night I already have plans.

    Am I pushing her towards him or am I making her see what he is doing? Am I supposed to act like there is nothing wrong with her choices? I don’t think I can. I can’t support her in such a bad choice. Am I being a bad friend? Am I supposed to say “no problem” and look the other way? After I told her that it hurt me to watch her hurt herself? I can’t let her drag me into this drama. I don’t want anything to do with it. Do I have to tolerate him and his demands on her? Help!

  16. This article is very true.
    It’s been about 3 months since we split, but 3 months of hell. There hasnt been even 1 week without communication. I have started to see a professional to help me get through it but every day is different. Some days you feel great but other days you’re haunted with thoughts, dreams and reminders of him. It’s so hard because I was at a very low point when he broke things up. i felt like he had sucked everything out of me, making me hate my job, my family, my home and my friends. I know now that he is no good for me at all and that there are way better guys out there for me, even his family have drilled this into me but I cant help but still miss his company.

    He stopped drinkibg because he knows he will loose control and say something to me but even though he has promised to me, his mother and himself that he would not message me, he still does just to make things hard for me.

    It is hard because we share so many of the same friends and still see him out and at parties.

    I know I have a long journey but i keep telling myself these things in the article and it does help me get through.

    i just hope he doesnt hurt too many other girls but unfortunately i know that he will…

    1. Welcome to the site Caitlyn, you will see that you are in good company here! 🙂 You cannot think about how he will tell other people…. as that is focusing on him and his life. Just as it wasn’t anyone elses responsibility to warn you…. it isn’t yours to warn anyone else. Save your energy for you and for healing and recovery! Your worth it 🙂

  17. Funny that, turns out my ex who was sociopath actually was an actual drug dealer too. I found this out after the split.

    1. Sociopaths are often addicts too (although not always) this is often to do with – poor impulse control, greed, lack of long term planning,, living for the moment, they hate to be bored more than anything. Boredom kills them – I have met a lot of sociopaths who were also addicts.

      1. Yes, well he did a pretty good job of concealing his addiction. This whole article has been so chilling.

  18. I hate to say this, but I am back….I was so happy for a minute when I contacted him and he agreed to try to work things out, but it has ended again, and this time we have become mean to each other in our parting words (I ended up apologizing for what I said). Unlike these other people…he doesn’t try to contact me….he has no problem moving on, and has…put up a personal ad…doesn’t text or call me, etc. In fact our last argument tonight he even said, please just stop and leave him alone! How ridiculous of me to keep putting him on a pedestal and practically begging him to come back. He has blamed the entire fall of the relationship on me of course, as always, but it’s just so painful when someone who used to say “I love you,” I miss you” “you are my one” tells you to leave them alone and go date other people. I HATE THAT I AM BACK ON THIS SITE WRITING AGAIN! I FAILED AND I KEEP FAILING and despite what he has done to me, he acts like the victim and I am always the bad guy…the problem…the reason why things are the way they are! I am back to the beginning and back to crying and being so lonely and depressed.

    1. @ imsadjak

      Don’t feel bad hun. My ex spath doesn’t contact me either after I finally told him that I couldn’t talk to him anymore. All the lies and cheating I just couldn’t put up with (even though I really tried bc I couldn’t imagine living without him!!). I actually now think it’s much easier that they don’t try contacting you bc it’s much easier to heal. Yes it’s hard that soneone you thought loved and cared for you doesn’t seem to miss you in the very least…but sad to say they’re incapable of love anyway. Take the silence and learn that you’re better off without him! We deserve someone who will love and cherish us as love was meant to be. And if we’re still looking back to the past at that unhealthy relationship we may be blinded to someone wonderful for our future!! It’s truly a blessing in disguise even though it doesn’t feel that way now. I wish you all the best on your road to healing!!

  19. Hi Everybody
    My sociopathic ex boyfriend has resumed contact after a year of relative silence with an email here and a text message there. I never responded to the contact apart from once or twice to get him to repay the massive amount of money he owes me which has lead to my children and I having to move house and start over. About 3 weeks ago he started contacting me again….this time on high octane. I decided to do something very contraversial. I chatted back. It was the best thing I could do. Not early on…..not in the previous months soaked with pain and tears and loss. Not when still in love with the illusion. Now. I see the way he communicates so clearly,the way he tries to reel me in. I find the way he articulates when he calls me just as flat as his text messages. I feel absolutely nothing. I even encouraged him to tell me about the woman he had sex with a few days after we broke up. He told me in detail,thinking it might send me into my normal self-loathing hurt state. I was able to give him a Grey Rock method combined with a mocking response. He knows I have outgrown him and it freaks him out. He has become the pathetic swine hanging himself everytime he contacts me because I treat him so “ordinary” as if he is the delivery man. He wants the drama of blocking him,of ignoring him. So I give him the casual contact whiich has a mesmerising message hidden for him to decipher…..that I don’t give a damn. Its like staring at the opium for hours and knowing you won’t touch the stuff… are whole. It took a full year to the date….but he is now history. I don’t check on him anymore,I don’t check on his mistresses and one night stands….I am me again. I am free. And I know he will drop off the face of the earth when he reallises there’s nothing here to gain but my mocking him,knowing him and his distasteful ways. To the women out there being duped…..please hang on. You will one day be out of the circle of deception. It is lliberating… has changed me into the strong,independant woman I am now in September 2013. I don’t need a man to validate me. I am woman I am strong. And so are you.

    1. Go careful dana….. it is like having one puff of a cigarette – thinking you wont get hooked again…. as the sociopath once they have just a small foot in the door will be relentless – until they win you over. Right now you think you have control. Then he continues to be ‘nice’ until you think ‘well maybe he has changed’…. and he continues to be ‘nice’ until… well until you are hooked again. So the cycle begins again!!

      1. Thank you for your quick response. This is very impressive indeed. Yes I understand completely what you’re saying. And one has to be very strong to do this. My psychologist will get a complete fit if she knows I am allowing this. I have found out the things that have kept me awake at nIght. He is so proud to tell me all the detail. Now that I know I find him so disgusting and without character. I see him the way my family and friends see him. And yes….it is time to cut the contact once again. Cold turkey. Egg on his face.

      2. Yes – try to see it as an addiction. He will keep feeding you the drug of love until you are hooked again. Until you question your own mind and say ‘oh he isn’t that bad’ or ‘oh he has changed’ he will keep up the good guy. Just like in the beginning. it is a dangerous game to play – like an alcoholic drinking just one drink – or an ex smoker smoking just one puff. Not because there is anything wrong with you. But that the sociopath deliberately creates an addiction!! 🙂

      3. Most effective website/blog around. I encourage all victims of sociopathic abuse to write to this blog….you are answered within minutes….which is what I needed when I was stuck in the deepest rabbit hole of self-loathing and bittermess thinking my goodness could change the demonic. Wishing you runaway success in encouraging victims to stay in the moment and relax in the pain. A gracious thank you!

      4. positivagirl;

        Would you be able to shed a bit of light for me?

        My SP was silent for ~2 months. He then reappeared as well, through text messages. “I am still crazy in love with you and want to talk with you so we can hopefully one day work this all out.” I responded. Yes, I know I should not respond. I did. I said, “someday maybe we can talk again.” He said he wanted to talk sooner or later b/c he didn’t like how things had ended and wanted to smooth things over. I said there was no need. I had no hard feelings, I wished him well. He said “ok” and was quiet for a few days then started again. He said he wanted to get together and talk “face to face.” I kept saying no. Then he added “I want you to know I started seeing someone else.” He said they met randomly, blah. blah. blah. I said, “great and congrats and I wish you two well.” He ended saying I still really want to see you so if you change your mind, contact me. I did not contact him. Less than a week later he texted to say “I really hope you will change your mind. Would you meet me tonight?”

        I then blocked him from texting me which I had not done before.

        What is this all about??

        I would be lying if I did not tell you I so desperately want to see him. It is so hard for me to do this no contact thing.

      5. Sounds like the same they all do. They say something to get a response. That doesn’t work, they say something else until they get the response they want. If you said yes to meeting, he might move the date/time on you just to see how much power over you he still has. Very manipulative. I’d pose the question to him, “If you’re with someone else, why do you want to meet with me?” to see what b.s. he comes back with—“friendship” (promising you nothing and you still agreeing to meet knowing that in advance suggests you may still want him at any cost to yourself); “we’re not together anymore” (means he was lying about another woman to pulse check your jealousy); or offering something he knows you want (if he does this, he is upping the stakes and wants you back). I’m just curious/stupid enough to want to know what he’s up to though.

      6. [From Jennifer/jenniferw1970]

        Hello Jusagurl;

        First – for some reason I am sometimes listed as Jennifer and other times as jenniferw1970. Just saying that so you know both sets of comments/responses are from me.

        I DID ask him that very question. I said “I have gotten over ‘us’ and have no hard feelings” and “I expect no explanation from you” and “you told me you have a new girlfriend and you are happy” so “why would you want to meet?” His response was “because he did not like the way things ended.” Mind you, everything ended on his terms. He completely broke me and did a major (unexpected discard). I repeated, “why? what do you want to get out of this? friendship? closure?” He replied, “both, I guess.” But this was ten steps after he began the conversation with “I am still crazy in love with you and hope we can get together to talk and work this out some day.” He also texted that he was sorry for making everything such a huge mess and said he is “broken and damaged.” I’ve read that sometimes sociopaths actually give you bits of truth about themselves. Perhaps this is an example of just that?

        The reason he said (at the most recent end of our conversation) that he did not want to meet (anymore) is b/c I got angry and said I demanded to know his motives and would not put up with him continuing to lie to me. Whenever I suggest he is lying he becomes belligerent and self righteous, as if I am suggesting some sort of empirically proven impossibility. I was so tired by that point that by the time he said “I no longer want to see you.” I was motivated to call Verizon and cut him off in that fashion.

        I just feel like now I’m creeping around in fear of him popping up from behind any random bush, so to speak, when I least expect it.

      7. Oh ok, gotcha. Thanks for the identity clarification. So, yeah, I buy that. He probably *is* “broken and damaged”. Ironically, his actions and subsequent comments and lack of sensitivity to your feelings continue to illustrate that hasn’t changed. He seems to want your forgiveness but will settle for you believing he’s not a terrible, miserable, low-life liar. It’s up to you if you want to give him peace of mind or not—he’s not going to openly ask for it as it would require admission of guilt. As you know, he could be so grateful that he comes back for another round, then repeats/recycles and you both are back to this where he needs forgiveness again.

        For whatever reason, these soc’s seem to have very limited tolerance for anything of depth. We know they are shallow emotionally, but even though smart/clever, they seem to have limited tolerance for the long-term focus and concentration that serious matters require. I suspect this is what happened with him “no longer wanting to see you”. They just get worn out energy-wise and, similarly to how it’s just easier to move onto a new, unsuspecting target, it’s just not worth the energy trade-off it’s going to take to get from you what they originally came for.

      8. Geez. So depressing. Yes, Jusagurl…you got it. But we knew that already, didn’t we 😉 Sigh. If it didn’t all feel so shitty it would be comical. I can only aspire to being able to laugh about it all at some point in the near future, right?

        My SP is indeed lazy and unmotivated to do much of anything that doesn’t just plop in front of him. I’m ashamed by how much energy I put into “fixing” and “helping” him at the beginning. He surely felt he had hit the jackpot. He DID, after all.

        A remaining question I have, however, is WHY would he care if he had (or put energy into seeking) my forgiveness if sociopaths feel not guilt. Does “peace of mind” really have ANY value to them? I thought not which is a main reason this puzzled me. And when they say sorry, my understanding was they do not truly FEEL sorry but it is a way to manipulate you and lure you back. Nonetheless, he said I’m sorry. Isn’t that his insincere mechanism of admitting guilt? Or like “I love you” does “I am sorry” have a completely different meaning/agenda for them??

      9. I think, feeling actual guilt is different from wanting you to view him favorably. You did once before and he was able to enjoy and relish that, regardless of his internal knowledge of all the horrible things he was probably doing that you didn’t know about (but do now). And yes, I think “sorry” rarely means sorry at all. If he could get back in your favor, it would make *him* feel good about him (and would validate any delusions he might have about you being wrong about him)… has little to do with you—that’s the peace of mind for him I spoke of. It’s not an absolution or cleansing as we would traditionally view forgiveness. If you’d let him, as I suggested, he might enjoy the ultimate duper’s delight in coming back into your life and repeating the cycle…maybe not purposely, but because you let him back, and this is his nature.

  20. Hi Jennifer, I hope that you see this message. I can’t seem to reply direct. This is about the sociopath taking back control. Remember that he likes to 1. Have control 2. Win. Also if a relationship ends – he likes it to end on his terms. By saying to you about having someone else he is testing the water with you (remember he is looking for an emotional reaction) – he figures if you care – then you would react to him having someone else. He is being manipulative. It might be that there is nobody else (or there might be) – his intention is looking for an emotional response. When he has the emotional response he can then use this to manipulate you – lure you back in….Good for you giving nothing away. If you give no emotions – he doesn’t know what is going on with you – and none can be exploited.

    1. Thank you. The confusion of it all is making me feel crazy. (I’m guessing this is what they want.) In the same “text’ conversation he told me 1) he loves me like crazy; 2) he is sorry; 3) he wants to work things out with me; 4) he is with a new woman and she has a daughter named Zoey (he always said we would name our daughter Zoey) and his new girlfriend knows he is not a liar (like I accused him of being) and then…. 6) he no longer wants to see me (i.e. he changed his mind).

      My response was “ok” and then I called my phone carrier and took the steps necessary to block him from texting (and calling). He is already blocked on FB and my email accounts.

      I just wish it would end. It feels like a horror show, mostly b/c I can’t stop thinking about him and while I’m doing everything to stop him from communicating with me I have this fear that he will figure out another way. I’ve tried to overtly express NO emotion but I truly believe he knows he has me hooked still. I am really working to dislodge his mental grip on me but it has still only been 3 months since the painful discard and I’m amazed by how difficult it is for me to shake him.

  21. Just came across this site and I must say I am amazed at how many people have been through a similar situation as me. I’ve been with my husband for 24 years. We have 2 boys age 20 and 17. My husband has always been a partier and had an addictive personality. He experienced some tragedies in his childhood and blames that for all of his issues. We met when we were 18. He was the fun life of the party kinda guy. It was love at first site for me. We dated for 2 years moved in together and got married and had kids. He was always a hard worker and took good care of his family. But never could completely let go of the partying. After having kids I assumed he would eventually grow up and settle down. It never happened. About 8 years ago he was injured badly at work and had to have a few surgeries. He became addicted to pain pills and it has been downhill ever since. He stopped working and his entire life revolved around pills. He became a lieing stealing cheating manipulative person. He was in and out of jail for stealing and abusing me. Each time he would promise he was done with the drugs and wanted his life and family back. But shortly after that it would start up again. Finally in July 2012 the fighting got so bad he left one night and didn’t come back. I didn’t hear from him for 3 weeks. One morning he showed up and we talked an agreed it was best to not live together as he was trying to straighten himself up. He was living and working on a horse farm around the corner. I noticed a huge improvement with him. But in the end is was just another one of his manipulative moves. I found out he was now smoking crack with another woman who had connections to any drug imaginable. Her drugs of choice were crack and pills. Soon they moved in together and every time they ran out of money they would fight and he would come knocking on my door. I love this man with all my heart. He is my family and I just can’t turn my back on him. He came back again in may 2013 a week before our anniversary and said he was done with the drugs and the other woman begging for his family back again. I made him call the woman in front of me on speaker phone and tell her he was done with her and he was going back to his family for good. Things were great for the next 3 months. I had my old husband back. Never left my side…we spent every free moment together. Until the end of August. I started noticing money was missing. I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be up and out in the garage in the iPad. I suspected he was contacting her again by the way his attitude changed. My neighbor told me he was buying pills from the woman and she had recently split up with her boyfriend. We got in a huge fight on September 4. He walked out the door and I’ve not seen or heard from him since. It is killing me inside….just like when he left the last time. How can someone tell you they love you soooo much and then up and walk away. He said I try to control him and act like his mother. All I wanted was a normal life not one with a drug addict. But after reading on this sight it finally hit me. I’m addicted to him. I feel I can’t live without him. I am completely numb and paralyzed without him. My kids are done and want nothing more to do with him. He hasn’t tried to contact them at all. From what I’ve heard he’s back with the other woman. I know eventually he will come back with his lies. I just don’t know how to stop the madness. I am so angry and hurt at him her and myself. I have done everything I can to tryto make this work. But iI can not compete with another woman. I now see I need help with my own addiction. I never believed I could ever be addicted to anything. I would never live my life depending on any substance. But sure enough I did. It is the absolute worst feeling in the world because I know I am very weak when it comes to my drug…my husband. HELP!!!!!

    1. Hi Welcome to the site. I think that you deserve a medal for enduring 24 years. Remember that as the relationship was a long one – be realistic with your expectations for healing. It took a while for someone to break you down, it can take a while to recover. if you can, stick to no contact – take one day at a time. focus on you.

  22. I was married to a sociopath for 15 years, has 2 kids. Despite everyone telling me (and my own intuition) I kept thinking he will change. He is a textbook example of a sociopath. Lies, cheating (incl. girls all over the world), serious mind playing games. I am shocked to what extend he would go to get you. When I found out a double life he lived in years I was beyond shock.
    To break out I had to run to another country with kids. It is still hard to me to keep NO contact but I know it is THE ONLY WAY. Trust me, I went through it all. I went back to America 2 months ago fora week. He did know I am coming. I found out he just got married and has 2 kids (he was telling me over the phone he is in the process to get rid of the girl). That was the final stroke for me.
    It is hard to see a new wife to be so hooked to him, so trusting. I tried to tell her, but she does not want to hear, he made her believe I was the “bad woolf”. Sometimes I wonder – maybe he will stay with her and build a happy relationship (she is 23 years younger). Do you think it is possible?

    1. In all honesty I don’t . I know. But I am sure that he is now using her for source for supply. (if he is a sociopath). Yes no contact IS hard – as that empty space combined with discard can feel so very painful. What you do need to do – is to set up No contact to stick with it. To take one day at a time. I promise that it will get easier – as long as you have no contact – that is your secret weapon for healing and recovery!!!

    2. MMZ believe me when I say these monsters are only happy for a very short period. Its like a fix for them and when the newness swears out they drop their masks and the real person comes out. They can only fake it for a while and then the new victim becomes just like you and I hooked and very unhappy. I told the new woman that my ex left me for what he was and she said they would have to work things out. The other woman always feel that they can help or change them into something better because jtheir special. They are no different then you and I. They just don’t know what they are truly dealing with but their abouy to find out because the out come is the same. Please ask positivagirl if I’m correct she is very knowledgeable and know the whole drill. Please try and be loving to yourself and know that I feel for you and how heart broken we all have been. I pray to God that he heals you. Love Marion

  23. Yes, day by day. My ex, like all the sociopaths does not have higher feelings but he knows how to perfectly mimic them. Do you think that all the victims sooner or later realize the truth (I was “blind” for 15 years)?

    1. I think – it is whether the victim wants to know the truth as this can be difficult if you are in love with the person and in love with the fake persona that they present. It can be devastating to realise that you were in love with someone who didn’t actually exist. You know that sociopaths are quite needy and love to play victim – so they turn on the victim mentality and the victim is lured back in again – relieved that the partner is not (in their own manipulated clouded mind) that bad after all. You probably know this after 15 years together.

      1. Positivairl, I was with my path for 8 years and I saw at the very first month problems, like drug use,, lieing,, cheating and not wanting to work. Are you saying that it will take this new woman years to see what I did in months?

  24. I think that the girls “under the path’s spell” are in a serious denial. They just want to believe in that fairytale. I had tapes proving that my ex is lying to her too but she did not want to take them. I was staying with my path 15 years despite the obvious signs. I just wanted to believe….But I wonder if sooner or later EVERY victim has enough. Most of the time paths just move to another victim and leave the previous one in shock.

    1. MMZ, Just wanted to say I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and we all totally empathize with the horrible feelings this experience brings on and up within. As said already – most likely your ex will not change if he truly is a sociopath. Regardless, I can say it is still hard to watch them seemingly “move on” and be happy with other partners. I’m still dealing with it myself and find that I have remind myself daily to “put yourself first” and “do things that make YOU feel good” and I do find that these regular mantras are somewhat helpful. The NO CONTACT is definitely the best thing but very difficult to do. My biggest suggestion is to be gentle with yourself and remember it is a process. Try to stick to the no contact and the daily mantras but if you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up. You’ve had enough of that. Try to learn from it and move on. My very best to you. -Jennifer

      1. I disagree with the fact that these paths are every happy with anyone. At first
        yes, because its a new fix but the newness wears out just like the last VICTIM. Their patterns are the same and it depends on how the victim sees it and how much they will tolerate.

  25. When I miss my ex and start to think about good old days I remind myself that what I thought was true him was just a mimic of my own desires that he perfectly play on and it helps. What they are the best in is blending and telling you what you want to hear to the point that you think you found your soul mate. It hurts later to find out that he is totally different with another victim. Even my ex’s mother said she does not know who he really is, he just does not exist – religion, personality, goals, etc.different with each victim.

    1. Hi ladies This forum has been very helpful I’m 35, and I never knew what a path was before Myonly seious relationships have all been with paths except my first at 17. I realize now that my sense of low self esteem has put a bullseye on me for these predators. Its very eyeopening to hear everyone’s stories and realize that these so called bfs were all of the same dispicable breed. I do miss the last path whom I dumped last Christmas Eve because I felt bad taking a present from him knowing I wanted to break up. Thats a laugh seeing how I bought him many things he asked for or I felt obligated to pay for Duh oh well cant be too hard on myself. I’ve been through a lifetime of these abusive relationships and need to build up loving myself enough not to be used like a piece of trash. Lots of love to all you ladies and please pray for me not to fall into another trap Thanks

  26. I thank you all for this site and postings, it is good to know that i am not alone or crazy. I have been about 3 months of no contact, after a year of what i thought was us being together ( she is now married to one of our co-workers). a double whamy for is when this all started to unfold , i was injured at work (jail) and required surgery. Too much time to think and ponder. but i just wanted to say thank you again, you folks are keeping me going.

      1. I have found everyone’s comments helpful I’m beginning to think my ex is one but he’s also addicted to cocaine hid the drug abuse for 3yrs but the last 18months he got really bad lies cheating stealing. He just walked out one day after we argued it really hurt and shocked me. We did talk a few months later but he was still the same if not worse. It’s been 6weeks since he finished it again and then last nite he txt ask how I was and did I want to go over for dinner!! I did not reply I am stronger now although I nearly had a breakdown and am on antidepressants now.

      2. Hi Poppy welcome to the site. If he is addicted to drugs to be wary – as sociopaths can almost mirror behaviour of drug addicts. I worked with a lot in my job. I recall saying to my socio ex – you are like a drug addict why are you doing this? I guess it is…. as sociopaths get off on the joy of conning someone. They get a high from this. They can become addicted to the high of duping and conning – this is why their behaviour can seem so alike to drug addicts. However not all drug addicts are sociopaths but can display similar behaviour.

        Whatever he is….. he doesn’t sound good for you. Its good to hear that you are gaining in strength and managing no contact and not responding to him!

  27. What was interesting to me about this article was the comment about how they are always checking to see if you are ‘in love’; I’m not sure my EX was a sociopath, he def. had tendencies, but I would lead more towards Narcissist than sociopath. But, he would often say do you love me, tell me you love me, tell me you love me! I know you do… if he would squeek it out of me, I woulnd’t hear an I love you too. The only time I heard him say anything related to love was, I think I love you and that is why I am trying to get you back, or I’m in love with the person you are today, or send me some stupid song lyrics that said “I want to say those 3 little words but I don’t want to rush it.” Do they do this because it gives them a sense of power/control? They don’t actually know or feel real love do they, they just want us to fall in love with them- it’s twisted.

    1. I think that this is about control. By constantly asking you if you are ‘in love’ it does a few things. It checks whether they have control over you, it obligates you towards them, it stops you from running away, it makes them seem like victims who need your love (and therefore you feel sorry for them)…. yes you are exactly right it is all about power and control.

  28. No contact is the best but very painful. Also because you realize even more that you were just a “faze” for them. My ex since he realize I am taping the conversations got so scared I will use it and he can’t manipulate us more just stopped calling. It is so sad because I thought he cares at least about the kids. For 10 years of their live while we were married he seems to be the best father. And then, overnight, new victim appears and “the old kids” seems to be inconvenient, too much work (they know the truth), he lost them in lies.

    I know it is selfish of me, but I would like the new victim to know that he is just another prey….I wonder if she ever will, since she is in a serious denial (more then I was for 15 years). and how long would it take for someone to slip?

    1. I asked the same questions and to my understanding they are slipping all the time it’s just like you and me were we in denial after the arguments bad behavior, we chopped it up to this will pass but it never did. It all depends how how much their new victim wants to tolerate to and of course the addiction to. Please ask positivagirl she can explain it better

  29. Yes, I agree. But what happens when a path is getting older? My ex is 50 now, currently married to 26 years old. Old his friends and family turned their backs on him because of the unbelievable lies etc. So now with no money, 2 babies with new victim he has practically no choice but stay with her. Can a path “suck it up” and “behave”?

    1. They always have choice.. You will be surprised how he will find the solution. With age, they become worse… Be safe… Keep distant…

      1. I left the country to save me and kids. No contact is THE ONLY WAY. I mean it.
        Otherwise they suck you in no matter how much you think you control the situation.
        BTW, I’ve heard mine is already fighting with new victim.

  30. This was very eye- opening. It’s been a year and a half since the break up and I still crave that sweet fix. It’s like no other man can quite fill his shoes. I kept living in his shadow, hoping hed come back. I’m only now beginning to realize what happened to me so it definitely prolonged my healing process.

  31. We all are in the same boat. Nobody like path knows how to answer all our emotional needs and look like a soul mate. I was under the spell for 15 years but now I see that I was married to “nobody”. He is like a different person depends whom he is with and what that person is about. I mean everything – opinions, lifestyle, religion etc. Scary. PoisonedIvy, believe me, it is like a “spell”, regular fairy-tale-like spell.

  32. Well, Path cannot “suck it up and behave”. His true nature will show up eventually. Evidently mine is already fighting with the new victim….

    1. MMZ, thank you for your answer. I completely agree -it does feel like a spell, like I’ve been poisoned through and through. I used to say that our relationship was an empath vs. sociopath kind of thing. Why, of course it was! He smelled me right away. Unlike you, I wasn’t married to mine (I seriously applaud you), only “engaged” and spent almost 4 years of my life. He was my first, and sooo different from anybody else. He only had eyes for me, gave me love like I’ve never known, he was “perfect”, a sweettalker, I was his “wife”, he loved me intensely and kept repeating it. I never even noticed he completely isolated me from my friends(he seriously hated eveyone) and put me in his golden cage. He made me leave my job in another town! Must I mention he was jealous of every single guy I’d say hello to.He was exactly like you described your ex hubby: a shapeshifter. When i would confront him about his hypocricy, he’d just flat out deny it. Not to mention he was a pathological liar. He lied about everything: his background, his past relationships, just everything. Denial was his middle name. I once saw a photo on my freinds FB of him hugging her and jokingly showed him the photo unsuspecting anything., He just said, very seriously: i wasn’t hugging her. Now, it was only innocent and he denied it, WHILE looking at it. Only after the breakup, my friend told me he asked her out at the same time he did me… And the breakup: The love of my life just created a drama situation to which he knew I’d flip out, I got angry and he just e-mails me and breaks up. We meet up again and he’s a CHANGED person. A heartless one, saying things like: Somebody will love you better! I cannot believe it but I don’t try to make contact. I am completely devastated but don’t talk to any of our mutual freinds. I don’t trash him, instead, he opens a FB profile (which he never had before) and starts mocking me on it. Of course he post music he NEVER listened to before. When I saw him once, he walked pass me and shook hands with a girl sitting next to me in a bar and walked away. I cannot believe who I was with. He started targeting other women right away while I cried my eyes out. And a heard he’s dating one as we speak… I really wish there was a magic pill to make me forget every single detail about him.
      MMZ, so funny how they’re all the same.

      1. Trust me, no contact is the best solution and time will do its trick…Mine is a huge liar to. Just a few: I thought we had a catholic wedding only to find out the priest was unitarian pretending and my path was not even baptised! I am highly educated and not stupid and he fool me so much! Also dragged me to Europe to show me his house that never existed (we spend 3 weeks in telephone booth supposedly calling the caretaker to get keys until it was time to fly back), girlfiends (I found out later) all around, etc.
        And everybody (incl. me) thought he loves me sooo much and is the best father.
        When I look back I see clearly that I just loved the projection of him i created in my head and he was a genius to pretend he is all that.
        Stay strong, THEY NEVER EVER CHANGE!

    2. MMZ, I completely understand you. It’s so easy to be fooled no matter how intelligent or educated you are. They’re superhuman when it comes to coning. They twist everything around. I know looking back you want to just kick yourself for staying blind to red flags. I sure saw them myself. The compulsive lying, manipulating, hypocrisy, HUGE ego, putting eveybody else down (especially my friends and family), absolutely belittling his exes, hating his own mother… I could go on and on about the things that made me feel like, Oh-oh, this isn’t really normal. In any other case, I’d tell everyone else: RUN! Even though I realized all those things I really genuinely thought he loved me. He was absolutely fine with all my physical flaws, he ADORED them. Talking ’bout a major red flag. He made me feel on top of the world. It was such a rush all the time. And then the plunge. A total twist of things. Him sadistically enjoying torturing me emotionally and deliberately hurting me… I didn’t react to any of that openly, didn’t show my emotions, thank God. And I absolutely cut off all ties with him. All the while dying inside all this time. It’s really hard. I guess the hardest part is forgiving yourself. After all I so wanted to believe it was real.Looking back, I constantly ask myself: Why me? I only wanted to love and be loved. I hope one day soon I will be. I wish the same for you MMZ as well as everyone else here.

      1. Reading your post is like reading about my ex!!! OMG how they are all the same. The same pattern. I left the country to be free from him 2 years ago and I still sometimes miss him but less and less. And finally I know I won’t LET him fool me again, no matter how good it feels. When I had to contact him about the kids I noticed that I am not going crazy over his comments (he always wants to create a drama). Instead I stick to the facts and ignore the emotional trips. Something that not long time ago I couldn’t imagine….
        But of course, I had much easier because I left the country, went back to Europe and was able to cut it off. I can imagine how hard it is when you stay in the same time, the same people, the same environment. But not impossible to be free….
        Stay strong, you are not alone it this. Remember that. You can’t take back and start your life all over, just enjoy little steps now.

      2. Yes, amazing, isn’t it? Textbook examples both of them. You’ve had it so hard for the fact you’ve been together for so long and had kids with him. I cannot even begin to imagine. But I guess, the important thing is to realize who you’re dealing with and stick firmly to what you know. My gosh, the agony of constantly asking yourself, why, what, how..?! Just to realize that person is really irrepairably ill. It’s a major and very recent step for me. Better late than never, I guess. You did a good thing moving as far away as you can, and hopefully starting a new healthy life. And, like I’ve mentioned before, he made me move back to my hometown, where i had no friends. The only friends I had for four years were our mutual ones. Of course, after the abrupt break up, I was left completely alone. He tried his very best to push me out of the clique. My whole world literally fell apart. But somehow I refused to move away immediately. I felt that it would make him feel like a winner and i must admit I was secretly hoping that maybe he’d come around. I maintained no contact and luckily so. I think it confused him quite a bit. When I saw him occasionally, I’d just politelly say: Hello. No drama. And just like you, MMZ, I still miss him (well, what he seemed to be) like crazy. I think I will for a long, long time. I’ve just recently made a few new friends and started going out. Baby steps… I am very reluctant to even look for somebody else and I guess that’s good. I really want to completely heal before I can (hopefully) have a meaningful relationship. This was such a painful and a huge lesson for us, wasn’t it? Best regards! Thanks for your support!

  33. Your information is so spot on!!! Thank you for your amazing insight and helping others move past this phase in our life. Yes, he was my worst drug and I have never done drugs in my life.

  34. I have been trying to sort all this out for months and months. I soooo wish I had seen this way before now. I completely made a fool of myself and he did a massive smear campaign against me publically on FB for all the world to see. He accused me of horrendous things, like threatening his child – I never did that. I was so good to him and his child. I was completely blown away and devastated how he had no emotions, walked away as if our two years together meant nothing, telling anyone who would listen we had been broken up for 8 months (it had only been 3) and that I was stalking him, harrassing him etc…I was not. I actually moved to another state. I couldn’t believe the coldness, meanness and the things that came out of his mouth. It still hurts. I loved who I thought he was so very much! I still think about him and miss him. I hate that!! It’s been since February 9th. I thought he was my soul mate, perfect for me. He used my faith to reel me in. In the beginning he told me how his ex was so mean and all his exes were stalkers and would beg him to get back with them when they broke up. I had these gut instincts but I ignored them. He was so good! I have a hard time accepting the fact that I was manipulated and lied to for 2 years. I feel so stupid! I still have moments where I cry a little. I just wish it would go away. Damn! I caught me 3 months after a divorce from a man who I was with for 12 years and he cheated. I also went to middle school with this man who is a narcissist/sociopath. He has traits for both. He was never violent or controlling. He would do those disappearing acts for days and a couple weeks at a time. It drove me insane! When I finally caught him in a lie…it was on FB in black and white. He tried to get out of it and I thought “what an idiot!” I let him have it so he blocked me from FB and then went on a warpath telling this woman whom he lied to that I was crazy, bitter, and wouldn’t let go. I am quite sure he had other’s besides me, but I think I was his “main” source of supply so to speak. I feel like everyone believes him and isolated even after all this time. He was fine until I called him out on his bullshit. But, then I was continously berating him and angry so I wanted to hurt him. Not realizing he didn’t really give a crap and that’s when he truly went on this smear campaign. Even know I will think, “he had to love me a little to be with me for 2 years and to make me feel this way.” I have to keep telling myself it was fake and I hate that because I don’t want to believe someone could be that cold.. I find myself looking at his FB regularly. I can’t make myself stop! His 12 year old daughter started following me on twitter August 22nd (mind you, we broke up Feb 9th and the last actual contact of any kind we had was July 23rd), then I noticed he got a twitter that very same day. Makes me wonder if he put her up to it or she found my twitter and told him. She is very mean and biligerant and hateful. I think he tells her to be this way to women. He even had her emailing me cussing me out etc…and his NEW target whom I think is already done with him. She even emailed me telling me, “He told me ALL about you! He is the most respectful sweetest man by far!” I couldn’t believe it. Told her what?? How much I loved him and cared for him, because I truly had not done anything. I just told her Good luck! Didn’t say anything bad about him to her. I figured she would find out on her own eventually but I was jealous she was not getting his attention and the physical part that I was no longer getting. They have this way of reeling in. I remember telling him a couple times, “I need to get my fix!” talking about him. WTH! He would tell me I was needy because I wanted to spend time with him and things like that, making me feel bad about myself but it was just “normal” relationship things I wanted to do. Man, I just want it to go away. I can’t make myself stop looking at his page either. I wonder if he has a fake page and goes to mine. I have mine completely private, he can’t see anything. He accused me of having fake pages, fake past boyfriends etc…It was completely outrageous. And the lies he told that I fell for and overlooked. Never will I ignore my instincts again. I was so vulnerable from coming out of a recent divorce. Seems he goes after women like that. He has one now that is completely clueless. I mean she really is not very bright and falls for everything hook, line and sinker and this is in addition to the one who emailed me. I absolutely have no one to talk to about him or what I am going through. You see, everyone thinks I am crazy because the whole time we were together I talked about, posted about how amazing and wonderful he was. I never told anyone how I suspected the lies and the pain of being ignored or anything. So, now, people truly do think I am just bitter and angry and that isn’t what it is. So finding this page helps to read I am not alone, but I wish I had seen it months ago so I wouldn’t have mad an arse of myself texting him and saying the things I said in hopes to “hurt” him. He would say to me a lot that he “doesn’t feel”. That crying doesn’t affect him. He had this stare that felt like it was going into my soul but at the time I interpreted it as “Love” you know the way he looked at me. But, he would just stare in this way that I cannot explain. It just felt like, Damn, this man loves me. I could go on and on but I won’t. Sorry this is so long, but I have never really been able to talk about it. I write in a journal my emotions and what I have gone through. It seems to help a little, but I still miss him and think about him every day. The pain isn’t there nearly as much now, but I have my moments.

    1. Hello kw a huge welcome to the site!! Here you will find lots of us who really understand every word of what you have written. It has been our reality too. We have experienced the same they are so very clever at what they do and how they do it. After all they are covering future tracks. They are always planning manipulating and controlling.

      People are just pawns to be used. You know yourself that looking at his page is only going to bring you more pain.

      I also understand how difficult it is. As everything is fake in a way for someone to behave like this is so crazy. Where do you begin to find understanding of that level of games and deception?

      I really understand the words that you write. I hope you can find some understanding in my posts too.

  35. Just wanted to add that I deactivated my twitter since his daughter was following me and then he got one the same day she started following me..I believe to check on me. Now I just need to somehow stop checking his page to see what he is doing and everything. He would post things on FB when we were together that I knew were lies, but just let it go. He needs a lot of ego stroking and is always looking for women to stroke it. Posting he doesn’t feel good, he is ugly, fat, etc…so women will feed him and give him his the attention he needs. Also, he is a felon…forgery, drugs, auto theft and was addicted to meth but supposedly clean for the past 6 years. He’s so good at lying and manipulating that all his friends from his past believe everything he says and does, even his ex wife of 10 years who he is so close to and they have no children…seems like an odd relationship to me…she remarried in April and he attended the wedding. She is always at his beck and call and when things don’t go right, like his accusations about me, she was right on it saying, “OMG, call me and tell me how you are and what happened.” She must be his permanent fix for emotional/ego boosts because she was even married to him and still is attached to him and has a new husband. SMH! They divorced because he cheated and got another woman pregnant. He said she didn’t want a divorce but he felt she deserved better. (his story). There were lots of stories. Definitely a drug, he is. I can’t shake it. But, I am proud of myself for not contacting him and that’s been since July 23rd and he hasn’t contacted me. He has new ones now, he doesn’t need me anymore.

    1. KW, you’re better off without him. Period. One day soon, you’ll be glad it’s all behind you and laugh. Just set yourself free. Don’t worry about his daughter, his ex, just let it all go and most importantly- forgive yourself. Work on it consciously. NOBODY deservs to be with that kind of a person. I know you’re still fixated on him but that too shall pass. Trust me. Go back to you and who you were before him- a loving, caring, wonderful person. Before you know it, someone will love you the right way.

  36. Thank you and yes, I know I am way better off without him. It’s such an addiction that is hard to break. I am WAY better now than I was but have a long way to go yet. Actually proud of myself though because he had sent me a “forward” email last Monday but I just saw it yesterday and didn’t reply/response. I don’t check email often. It was sent to me and 9 other people (8 women and 1 man LOL). One of those “thank you for being in my life and helping fill my memory tank” emails. It’s been 3 months since I have contacted him or him contacting me, and that came out of left field from him, surprised me. I have read so much on this site and it helps me a lot. I know looking at his page is not good or healthy. It actually was private until we broke up. Mine is still private. The only people who do understand are people like you and everyone on this site. My “friends” think I am crazy now so I pretty much isolate myself until I can find “me” again.

      1. I think it was to see if I would “jump” and be all excited he showed interest in me again. He used to do those “silent” treatments and ignore me when we were together and it killed me inside. Our ending was completely ugly and he created that ending, not me so when I saw that, I thought it was odd. Normal people wouldn’t just go about life like that as if nothing bad happened. Of course, everyone here knows how they are and how they “create” in your mind it’s all your fault etc…I do think he was trying to see if I still was “desperate” for him back, I guess you could say. I didn’t bite. But, he definitely has his ex wife completely fooled and hooked. She is always replying on his FB and this woman is remarried. The one threw me away for is gone now, I am pretty sure. Then, he has another woman on FB who is so enamored with him, but this one really is “dingy” and clueless. Guess, they like to keep several going just in case.

      2. Yes they always keep their options open. There is no loyalty with a sociopath. They insist on you being loyal whilst they are secretive and private to hide their lack of commitment. Sociopaths can’t even commit to themselves, let alone anyone else.

      3. Mine texted me this morning and said, “I just do me when I see you doing you.” I was working but texted him later, “So, are you doing you today?” (Keep in mind, I just told him I was going to date others 24 hours ago and, he told me to “test the water, then test my senses again”). I didn’t hear back for a couple hours. Finally, he replied, “Sorry, I’ve been at theater, then gambling.” I answered, “So, you had a date. Okay, I’ll continue with the new guys. Thanks.” Just unreal. 24 hours later… “No loyalty” is an understatement. I believe he has always done this; he just doesn’t mind slapping me in the face with it right now. So be it. Just fuel to drive me away from him which is where I should be anyway.

    1. It’s totally understandable. Break-ups are awkward in general and people/friends don’t really like to pry. But this…it’s so much beyond a regular brak-up it’s insane. People just don’t understand what a destructive force it was. Not to scare you, but it’s been a year and a half for me and it’s still hard. I still sometimes check my ex’s FB profile and of course, it’s not set on private. Duh?! We all crave love. And love was being sold to you in the most attractive package. But alas, nothing’s in the package!
      The e-mail is just a proof he wants you hooked. We all here understand how hard it is. We’ve all been through the same thing. Believe me, you’re perfectly sane. All will be well.

      1. Yes, they are awkward and these type of breakups are totally different. It is completely insane. I am much, much stronger now. Seeing that in my inbox made my heart race and when I read it, I just stared at it like WTF…he sent it as if nothing bad happened, like I should be thankful he thanked me for being a part of his life and memory bank. Emotions did run through me, but to be able to not respond and not let it affect me in ways it would have a couple months ago was a big step for me. Most people would think this is all trivial but it really isn’t. This man changed my life forever in ways that no one will really understand except those who have experienced it themselves. I still feel crazy sometimes. lol But, I know I’m not. There is a lot you have to sort out in your head after going through this. We were together 2 years, not a long, long time but enough time to do a lot of damage for me. Thankful I can talk about it here with people who know what I am going through, been through, and will go through. Others just don’t get it.

      2. Ha I write about that. How they often say thank you at the end for all you have done for them. Thank you for all the special times etc. And that you really did help me a lot. This is actually bullshit. What they are trying to do is delude you the break up wasn’t as bad as it was. That the relationship was better than it was. So that you wont tell. Also as well thanks for all you gave me like a business transaction. Unbelievable huh?

      3. If they can minimize it and get you to buy their version, it also leaves the door open for them to return and do it again! They never stop mind f*cking…

      4. KW, yes, they offer you and keep you in this dream-like fairy tale world and you just can’t believe it’s real and that you’re the lucky one. Unfortunately, you deafen your gut feeling screaming at you telling you that it can’t be real and you ignore all the red flags thinking: oh, but he loves me so much. So you keep on fighting for the survival of the relationship that’s as fake as can be. And then all of a sudden, after a fake drama it’s: oh well, I’ll be gone now. And you’re left in shock, bleeding and completely dependent. Just be glad that your eyes are finally opened and whatever you do- you know you won’t fall into the same trap. I just hope those other back-up women will open their eyes too.
        @positivagirl- Mine actually thanked me at the end. Haha! After all, he did learn some great new tricks to mesmerise his next unsuspecting victims.

    2. KW, I completely can relate… I feel like this is a love addiction. I understands things were wrong but keep rethinking of the times we spent together and how much he said he loved me and how special I was and different then anybody else. And dont understand how it all got here. I feel broken and empty inside and just keep thinking how did this get here, does he even think about anything? Bc when it was ending he just emailed me asking how I can ignore him or act cold. When I was asking for answers to lies and things he kept hidden, such as his drivers license. I still dont have answers and just keep thinking is the man I envisioned really not that person.

  37. Exactly, jusagurl!! I was on a long 2 year “mind F!” I didn’t bite though even though I miss the “illusion” he created he was. Positivagirl, mine was very secretive and would always say, “I never did anything to hurt you. You just don’t see all the good I am doing. I do love you.” Then, he would say, “Why are you so needy, why do you have to be so affectionate etc…” This was toward the end so as to put in my head it was ME that made him go away. Loyalty from him was a joke. And yes, they always put things in your head and twist everything to make you “feel” bad, like it’s all you. Ya know, if you weren’t so needy, or if you weren’t so sensitive blah, blah, blah! They don’t even love themselves let alone love another person. His daughter is a mini version of him. So, sad too. She can’t help it. He’s all she has in her life, no mom, no grandparents nothing. So, she mimics what he does. I remember he would say a lot “sorry for your luck” etc…and he even told me in the beginning when he was done with woman he would just tell them to go away. Heck, I had so many red flags that i completely dismissed. LOL He pretty much told me up front was an arse he was only he had already trapped me with this illusion and I was hooked! Not anymore! I even feel they like any response bad or good because they are affecting you in some sick way. So, I didn’t even reply to his forward of “Thanking me for adding to his memory bank.” Our memory banks are completely different regarding our relationship – well, fake relationship. LOL

  38. Hii..
    I guess I’m the first male to be commenting on this blog..
    The story goes..
    I am a student and so is she..
    She always watched me and so did I..
    Then she finally approached me and told me her feelings..
    We had a clean relationship for 6 months..
    I quit smoking.. Ended up being a wonderfull guy..
    All of a sudden she gets busy over the phone .. Mostly at night..
    When I asked her about it she said its just her friend.. Later said best buddy..
    Nd then called him her cousin..
    Everything was just pure lies!!
    It was then her behaviour changed..
    Her attitude.. Her priorities..
    Everything ..
    She didnt want to confront me..
    She ended up soon..
    I always knew about her past as she frankly told me about it ..
    But I guess he was another victim..
    She has now cut the contact with me..
    And I being the victim of her drug is suffering ..
    I really appreciate your efforts to bring the lost ones to the right path..
    Now I feel much more confident and relaxed .. After knowing that Im not the only one suffering..
    And what it takes to forget and move on..
    Thank you soo muchh

    1. Oh gosh no your not the first guy to post here. Just today 3 guys have commented here. There are male and female victims here. You will probably find a lot of male comments on the post female sociopath. And elsewhere on the site. Welcome!! 🙂

      1. Yeahh..
        This site gives me soo muchh of positive vibes ..
        I also read another post about how the sociopath uses religion ..
        It was the same in my case too..
        She covered her face behind the religion ..
        As we were on the same religion.. I thought that how lucky I was to get this girl in my life..
        Its now I realise what the scene was..
        Thanx for yor quick reply friend!!

  39. so my Path, put a ppo out on Me, after 3 1/2 years of physical, mental, emotional abuse.. i sold him a house so that we can work on moving in together, but he just kept lying talking about he just need his own space (mind u he was locked up for 10 years, an we started dating a few months afterwards) so he gets in the house, an immediatly started messing around with other chics smh.. but was such a great charmer, he sucked me back in everytime.. so Feb of 2013, he slammed my head on the floor so bad i thought id have a concussion, but he begged an pleaded not to send him bak to prison (hes on probation an he wears a tether) i ended up going to the hospital an filing a report with them, he was “so nice after that incident” an i though t, now this is real.. we ended up “breaking up” but still had sex from Feb.o. to.. Sept.. he told me he was trying to get his life str8 so we can bgeer in a healthy relationship.. Sept. 6 we had sex come to find out he have two females staying in the house i sold him I was pissed!! two days after that, he sent a ppo (private protection order) against me!! he told the cops that i had been stalking him smh… im so upset, hurt, confused.. i feel dumb like he played me so bad.. Now im recieving texts an calls from this ” chic that claim she knows me” (– she dont, she texts me to c how im doing an wants me to talk about things pertaining my ex, some of the texts sent from her IS MOST DEFINITLEY MY EX. I FEEL IT IT MY HEART.. smh… so my question to u guys, should i put a ppo out on him, an file police reports for abuse? Do yall think its to late to do that? also if hes trying to keep in contact with me through other people, to “check on me” wat steps do i need to take? i changed my number once an he still found it…

    1. Hi yes, absolutely, you should file a report with the police. don’t feel guilty or worried about it. He might lie to police, but after a few reports a picture of the truth will be revealed. With regard to other people. Sometimes you just have to withdraw and be around people that you feel ‘safe’ around. Then you know that those peopel would never betray you and would be on your side. I wouldnt be surprised if your ex is using her phone to contact you, or to make himself seem like some hero or amazing man…. by using you and how much you want and desire him. They do that 😦

      1. I feel so crazy smh… after all hes done to me, broke me down sooo hard, i still care for him smh smh.. people will look at me weird if i say that, an just make me feel dumb, for feeling the way i feel about him, especially after everything i went through with him.. i cant stop crying an thinking about him, an he play this sick game texting me from her phone, an honestly i think its him an her smh. i am in an absolute mess..:-( 😦

  40. Hi everyone I am new to this group, but so thankful I found it and was able to read the article written bc I felt like I was crazy. I have been talking non stop with my family and close friends but still feel like things going on inside my head nobody understands. But reading your posts makes it better. It has been almost 3 months since my relationship ended. My family and friends saw things were wrong from day 1, all the red flags and things were shady. But even though things never fully made sense to me, and I questioned things I felt were weird, I fell in love head over heals. We would argue and I would often cry asking for things he promised that never happened. It was all empty promises. However, the idea of loosing him in my life felt like I would die. So the last 3 months have been extrememly difficult on me. I feel like I am sick, in denial, replaying all the good moments in my head and rethinking how could he really be this type of person I made excuses for and loved and wanted to make better. I thought all along, he would make things right, answer all the questions I had. I tried to confront him on certain lies I found, but it was always something else, a different answer, and picking and choosing what he would reply to. I always felt frustrated and like things were not going anywhere, fearful how could I live my life like this. But then again the idea of not being with him made me more scared and anxious. There has been no contact from him (which was always through email), I thought he would call or show up in the beginning to make things right, open up and make me see the person I really believed and wanted to believe he was. but today he emailed and my stomach sank. He just said ok to drop off the remaining of his things to his sons house. I am trying to stay strong, although seeing an email with his name killed me. Please help, any advise helps, I keep rereading all of the comments and am very thankful for them.

    1. Hi V, welcome to the site. We have all felt that way before, like we were crazy for thinking what we did, I wont repeat what I have already written in posts, they can be found around the site. Just wanted to say welcome to the site!! I hope that you get good support here.

  41. why….I came upon your article because I know deep in my heart I still love my sociopath ex and would cry like I lost one of my siblings or parents if he died. I am still in denial apparently because even as I feel you knew my personal situation and wrote this article specifically for me as you described MOST of his behaviors to a –T–, I still want to believe that he really loves me…. 3.5 years of hell, but I still love him…maybe because I had a child with him whom he is now using to further cause chaos and destroy good things in my life. How do you deal with a sociopath who uses your child to hurt you? I don’t have the power to take back my child at this time and I think I’m slowly losing my grip on who I really am, kind, loving, passionate, understanding, forgiving. I need a miracle….

    1. I think this is the toughest part. Especially with the charismatics. They can display some loveable traits. Just because they can switch off doesn’t mean that you can. The trick is to bring back attention to you. To pour that love you feel back into you. Do you mean that he has your child living with him?

      1. I’ll try to make it short. It all started when Child Protective Services alleged medical neglect because I brought my two month old into the ER because her father accidentally lightly elbowed her on the head where the soft spot was. I didn’t know it was normal and panicked. Afterwards, CPS showed up at our doorstep. CPS dropped the case but pursued a new one after discovering that I have a diagnosis with bi-polar. Distraught and scared for our daughter, we turned to legal advice. The lawyers who represented my ex (partner at the time) suggested that I sign custody of my baby over to her father until CPS disappeared. Biggest mistake of my life. I lost my daughter that day when I believed those attorneys out of desperation and fear of losing my child. It was when I was over a thousand miles away from my little baby that I discovered what my ex really was. We broke up and he has since torn through one and a half more people’s lives–the third I intervened and helped save even if she dislikes me. So many lies have been told and damage that cannot be undone since then. My own daughter does not know me and calls someone else mommy while the ex attempts to harass me with a lawsuit attempting to strip me of all my rights because I disagree with his irresponsible behavior with my child and uses her to suck dry his father’s financial resources as he continues to harass me about child support and abuse the love I still feel for the family I loved and cared for so much. I’m not religious and I know no one where I currently live. I’m doing the best I can to win back custody of her, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this alone and against someone with much more resources and an arsenal of convenient lies.

      2. I’m new to this site . I’ve never delt w/something in my life like this before so I didn’t know so I didn’t know what to say. Until I read where you debate on what you want to post. I guess I was just wanting somene to tell me that I’m not crazy, that what I’m reading is right.what I’m feeling is right but I guess no one can help. I have good freinds that are trying but anyways, I am sorry for posting such a long detailed message. Thank you and your site is very helpful to people who are struggling w/what has happened to them & I love to read what you write them.

    1. Thank you all for your support and for this blog. I will check out the link and continue to fight so I can come back and tell everyone that I prevailed against and overcame this sickness….

  42. omg. this is so true and helpful!! I was just discarded by my 8 year partner ten days ago. Totally unexpected over a small fight that he triggered. When I asked him to apologize, he just keep saying:”what can I get from it?” in a somewhat playful way. I did not answer this question but insisted that he should apologize for the awful things he said about me. he stopped talking and left me in silence. I called him many many times that day and in the following days. he ignored and later hanged up on the second ring. we r in a long distance relationship so i can’t really chase him to his city. I cried cried and cried for this deadly silence, and blamed myself for everything. i was desperately hoping that he would come back to me and that everything would return to normal soon (we called each other twice a day/skype everyday for the past 4 years). after reading all articles on this website, I just realized that the attention and love he gave me is nothing more than the free drug a drug dealer gives out. I understand that he is trying to crack me down to me knees and give up everything i have to move to his place so that he could do anything to me, since i have no friends/family/support there. thank you so much for posting this and everything on this website. each time i feel that i am falling, or losing control or just miss him like crazy, i read these articles and gain courage to put myself together and move on. Thank you so much!

    1. Willbestrong, do stay strong. I can completely relate. Your words ring true to me and it feels so familiar, because, needless to say, they really do operate the same way. Establish the no contact rule and believe me, in time, you’ll be back to normal. Heal yourself and move forward. All the best!

      1. positivagirl, PoisonedIvy,Thanks! the entire relationship has been so surreal. i don’t even know how to explain it to my friends. It is so true that one has to be in a relationship with a sociopath to be able to understand what just happened. Thank you for the nice words, they really make me stronger.

  43. The sociopath that im getting over was a good friend of mine…He liked me, used me, and all this with just flirting and showering all his attention,with calls and chats and all his statuses for me…but when I went to him to confess to have fallen for him(obviosly expecting him to be happy that I confessed), He straightaway denied anything.As he was angry that I knew everything about his feelings but did not confess it before. He abused me after that through his status.After which I started to move on,.. when his status for me got me back but now for the first time we met in personal I again confessed that I did like him(biggest mistake of confessing for the 2nd time)and he said it was for someone else and right from the starting all of it was for someone else and that he can never like me as a lover (Lie, and covering up all previous things by numerous lies one after another).
    Now its been few months im ignoring him(we stay at the same complex)
    I cant keep nc for a long time…We have very close mutual friends in the same group and they dont know about this.
    Whereas all his friends know about it. And now he’s out there flirting with another girl in the same complex.And trying out enticing her. Shameless!
    How to get over when nc is not possible..As in this case?
    pl reply.

  44. This post gives me chills………… it describes my Socipath!! All the time when he first contacted me I knew something was strange. It was as if he was inhaling me!! He came on like a tilde wave………showering me with compliments and sweetness. He told me he was a bit of an Exhib, I just laughed!! Always talking about sex and what he was going to do with me!! I got mixtures of many personalities, he scared me and excited me all at the same time!! I even asked him at one point if he was interviewing me………….he did say say he was hay wired. Ours, started out as a long distance texting relationship and then we actually did see each other! I had never had anyone treat me like he did. It was easy to see he got very uncomfortable with displays of emotion from me. I was falling for him hard. We had an argument one night and after that it was never the same. He started out texting me 24 7, then he would disappear and kept coming back! I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster!! Then he never contacted me for a few days, then went on a Guy trip……..well he contacted me 24 7, I guess just to show off in front of his friends!! After he got home he acted like I didn’t exist!! I wrote a letter telling him I was walking away and that it was not healthy for me, still not knowing what he really was!! in response to my email e just said Gotcha!!!!! I just decided to google his type of anti social behavior………and there it was everything I went through and felt from him!! I did feel sorry for him and I miss him, everyone thinks he is this nice guy with a great personality!! I still feel sad about everything and wonder if any of his friends or former girlfriends know what he really is!! He did say that he keeps in contact with all of them……………..

    1. Hi Annie welcome to the site.

      Yes it does feel like they inhale and consume you. You are never in the sociopaths life they are only in yours.
      It can be difficult to let go of the image of being swept off your feet.

      Some of them can be nice (when it suits). He might keep in contact with his exes just in case he wants to return.

    2. Never contact him… You will save yourself today and tomorrow… Believe me my friend.. Never contact him again…

  45. This happened to me years ago – constant backsliding with one of these miscreants for 9 years, until I cut him off completely. This was almost ten years ago, and he still tries to contact me. I recently had a run in with another sociopath. Every bit as cunning, but this time it only took me a month and a half to discover what he was. He knows with no uncertainty that I am on to him, and stays away from me. Hopefully I will never encounter that heartless, walking pretense ever again. Two weeks later and I still feel sick inside, so I’m hoping some Reiki/Chakra work will help to accelerate the healing process. I will do fine, but it’s going to end badly for them and everyone like them. Note to all who encounter this scourge: Show no mercy, for they won’t show you any.

  46. I’m so glad to find you guys….
    I’m heartbroken, angry, feel like I’ve been brainwashed and I’m scared I’ll never love or trust again.
    I seem to love and hate him all at the same time….
    I’ve found him on Facebook under a different name, adding lots of women as friends, liking all their photos and basically looking for the next one. I’m addicted to checking the profile, can’t seem to help myself 😦
    I always had doubts about it from day one, but the love I felt meant I brushed the doubts under the carpet….. I know I need to ride through the hurt and focus on myself, but in my head, even though it wasn’t real, I’ve never had a love like it.
    I guess we need to keep on swimming….

    1. Hi Lilly welcome to the site!! 🙂

      You know, that first step. Stage one. Is essential, this is to establish NO CONTACT rule. You need to do this for your own healing. While you continue to look at his facebook you are just tormenting yourself and causing you further pain. Additionally, he will be updating DELIBERATELY knowing that you are looking at it.

      It is hard – but it has to be done. If you don’t do no contact, you stay connected. The pain drags on…. by allowing yourself to let go… you can grow…

    2. I understand you Lilyrose. They are click away to be blocked to save our sanity and dignity but we simply can’t do it. I’m in the same position. She is still “my friend” in FB. Checking them out moves the energy from our account to them. They know it. We need that energy for ourselves not to feed their narcissistic egos.. We need time. Time will heal us. Keep NC at ANY price.. We shall be free…

    3. I know exactly how you feel. They are monsters who rape our hearts and souls. I have been out of my relationship for 14-1/2 months and I still have moments of anger and love. It’s awful! But, I have come a long, long way in the process. It does get better, even if you may not feel like it will. They are emotional vampires!

  47. So glad to find people that are going through the same thing…
    You are right, every time I look at Facebook I feel sick, but it’s not achieving anything apart from hurting me. The day is passing me by spending time on him, so he’s winning!
    Just need to dust myself down and believe in myself 🙂

  48. Can’t believe it…. I was having a great evening until I came home and saw an email from him…. Unbelievable!

    He has stated that I was the love of his life and he will never love anyone as much as me and we could of had the perfect life, however can’t be with someone that doesn’t trust him so he has to walk away. He is sorry that it ended with me thinking badly of him! He then proceeds to say he got into a fight in a bar last week and is making dangerous mistakes at work! His final parting words were that I deserve the best and he wants me to be happy….

    I’m guessing this is the game? He hasn’t asked to make amends so I guess the only thing he is trying to achieve is to get into my head?

    The worst thing about all of this is that it makes me doubt whether he is a sociopath, crazy huh? He lied once that I have 100% proof on, but the stories he came out with during the rest of our time just never added up….

    So, I hit delete yes? I’m so tempted to reply by saying I know his game with all the Facebook friends he is now pursuing but I know he then takes control back…

    It’s a killer, I loved him (or loved the false him) and what we had…. And want to wake up and find that this is just a horrible dream.

    1. Hey don’t be surpised at this. This is a common sociopath trick (its late here in the UK so I can’t find the post at the moment) (Maybe look up why you will never get closure from the sociopath in the search top right hand corner).

      They do this, as they have to have things their way. its a bit crazy. What is happening is if you are not contacting him and keeping to no contact, he has to make sure – that it is HIM that is ending it with you, its just a stupid game that they play, designed

      1. To get a reaction
      2. To win
      3. To retain control

      Remember – they love winning and keeping control at all costs, even if you ended with him, you would still get this where they have to tell you that they are not bothered that you are not contacting them – as they have finished with you.

      It is their way of accusing you of what they are guilty of doing themselves. Ie… he cant be trusted so he accuses you of – well he cant be with you if you don’t trust him. Really its daft, but it is the way that they work.

      Wouldn’t be surprised if you also got the ‘thank you’ as you really helped him…. too 🙂

      DONT reply this is what he wants, a reaction. But – do be aware that not replying can sometimes escalate their desperation for attention and they up the game – which could be showing up at your home, or calling you at work…. and this can come bang out of the blue when you have spent weeks grieving and breaking your heart.

  49. Thanks positivagirl, you really are helping me get my head around this, its baffling!!

    All quiet today thankfully, but should he rear his ugly head again I’m ready for it!

    How do you deal with them turning up at your home?

    1. Ah now that was a tough one Lily call the police. I would know just by the build up that this was coming and would call the police before he got there. That was difficult. I live in a 3 story house and would go to upper floor. But there would be shouting and yelling outside the house, stones at the window. Eventually I had to fight fire with fire…. But that’s another story and hopefully you wouldn’t have to go there, it’s tiring.

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