The relationship with the sociopath is over – so why can’t you let go? – Take me to your drug dealer!

The person that you dated, was selfish, unreliable, dishonest, untrustworthy, manipulative, destructive. The list goes on and on. It’s is hardly a list of personality traits for your perfect catch and ideal partner?

You know this, in your heart you know this, yet still you have a longing to have answers, closure, you might delude yourself that things can be ‘fixed’. That with compromise, that you really could work things out, and be together. All of these thoughts run through your head. You feel pain in your heart from:

  • The way that you were treated – especially if you were cruelly discarded or emotionally/physically abused
  • The thoughts of all the lies, the false empty promises – the life you were promised, the dream that you were promised, but that never came true
  • You have invested so much, maybe you are owed so much
  • The sociopath has created addiction and dependency to them

The last point is an important one. So I will repeat it again The sociopath has made you dependent on him/her

You might have been a smart, articulate, intelligent, focused person before you met the sociopath. I am not saying that you are not now, you still are. What has happened is that the sociopath is like a drug dealer


Yes, that is right the sociopath behaves like a drug dealer, and you take what they have to offer. Of course, you are not aware that you are being sold a drug, or that you are being made dependent. All that you know is that you like the feeling of being with him/her. If you have split, you cannot resist the thought of contacting, to see what they are doing. Even if that just means looking at social networking sites.

People who are drug users, quickly lose contact with others not in the ‘drug scene’, this is because:

  • They have more in common with other users, than non users
  • They do not experience judgement from other users
  • They become isolated from people like old friends and family, because of the above two reasons

The sociopath will walk into your life, and after the interview and observing you, he will sell you back yourself. The sociopath will offer to fill in the blanks that you are advertising as missing in your life. The sociopath will quite easily become what you want. It doesn’t matter if he/she doesn’t have the desired criteria that you are looking for. That doesn’t matter at all, he/she already knows that if he/she can fake it for long enough so that you are hooked, and in love, he/she is onto a winner.

Love is a drug – the sociopath is the dealer – and you, the victim are the user!

I know, you might read this and it could  appear far fetched. But isn’t. You might tell yourself, that this isn’t related to you?  I spent 27 years working with homeless people, working with hundreds of people who had long term drug addiction problems.

I am not referring to sociopaths being drug dealers in a literal sense. But they are actually selling you a drug. The drug of love. Once you are hooked, it becomes very difficult to leave, and very easy to manipulate you. Even when you do leave, you are stuck with what feels like a drug dependency. Worse, is that if you allow it, the sociopath will continue to ‘feed you’ the drug, through what they put on social networking sites, if you read their profiles for your latest ‘fix’.

This is why the sociopath will often say ‘do you love me?’or ‘I love  you’ and then afterwards will say ‘do you love me?’…. they are constantly checking to see if you are ‘in love’

The sociopath creates dependency, just as a drug dealer at first gives out drugs for free, so that its drug users will become dependent on the drug. The sociopath works in the same way. The sociopath sells you the drug of love  – by

  • Telling you what you want to hear
  • Mirroring you
  • Offering false empty promises for the future
  • Creating a false persona of the perfect person for you
  • He/she is creating a ‘high’ that you will become addicted to, and find difficult to leave

I remember reading an Allen Carr book about quitting smoking. He asked people if when they started smoking that they thought they would be smoking for the next 30 years, or even the rest of their life? Of course  they said no.

If someone had asked you at the beginning of the relationship with the sociopath, do you want to be abused for the rest of this relationship? Are you agreeing to be controlled? Are you agreeing to being manipulated, and losing your own identity to be whoever the sociopath wants you to be?

Of course, if you were told this in the beginning, you would have said a straight, flat out NO!! Instead, you are sold a pack of lies, a false persona, and an illusion. You fall in love with what you ‘think’ is reality.

This is often what drug dealers do. A memory of this to illustrate, is because of my work, I knew that crack cocaine could be very addictive. When it first came to my city, drug dealers were handing heroin addicts a rock of crack, free with every deal of heroin. I recall saying to the person who was telling me about this, that this was crack cocaine. The punter said ‘yeah I know, it’s coke all the stars take it’…he didn’t think it was a big deal. He was being sold the illusion – not the reality. What he was actually being sold was an illusion of a different drug, that was more socially acceptable, and  glamorous.  It wasn’t long of course, before he had a crack cocaine habit. It was later that he realised that had he had been conned, but it was too late – he was now addicted to both crack and heroin.

The addiction of the sociopath high

The sociopath, just like the drug dealer in the above example, exploits your weaknesses to later manipulate and control you. He offers you something that you think you need, or are looking for in your life. Feeling that you are getting what you need, you become hooked. After all, you are being sold your dreams. Positive thoughts about yourself, are sold back to you. You feel a high, and euphoric.

Later in the relationship, as the truth starts to unravel, you see that you have been lied to, conned. You struggle to believe the truth, and partially you don’t want to either. You don’t want the dream to be a con. You want it to be reality.

The euphoric feeling that drug users feel, is not real. It is felt when the drug is taken. Taking the drug gives you the fix. If it felt bad all the time, people would never become addicted to drugs. At first it feels good. The drug dealer continues to feed you, whilst taking all of your money for what he is giving you. It is when you cannot afford to pay, but you still have the addiction to the high, that the problems start to surface. You are now hooked, under the sociopaths control.

Escaping the sociopath and the lure of addiction

The sociopath will continue to contact you, play victim, promise to change. You will question your mind.  After all you are now ADDICTED – and you want the GOOD feeling….. you just don’t want the BAD that goes with it.

The good feelings are all in your head. This is not real life. In fact that longing for the good feeling is actually bad for your health.

The longer that you stay with it, the more (just like a drug user) you will lose. You risk losing

  • Yourself, your self worth, self confidence, self esteem, reputation
  • Your home
  • Friends and family
  • Finances

Like a drug user you risk then becoming isolated. Others do not understand.

Have you ever quit smoking?

It’s like that.  Leaving a sociopath is very similar to this. You have to go through the withdraw period. Just like it is important not to smoke ONE cigarette…. it is also important to have NO contact with the sociopath. Having contact will give you a short time fix for the drug that you are craving, that euphoric high – but also the cycle for more will continue.

If you ever have quit smoking, you will know that the longer that you go without, the easier it gets over time.

See this as an addiction. Something that is NOT good for your health. Yes, you might feel weak or broken right now, but that is because the sociopath has taken your strength, but it is still there within you.


Keep moving forward, and live a healthy life, sociopath free!! 🙂

Copyright 2013

293 thoughts on “The relationship with the sociopath is over – so why can’t you let go? – Take me to your drug dealer!”

  1. My god, it sounds like you’ve been through it…. Really appreciate this site, you’re doing an amazing job!

    1. It’s such a relief to read some of these comments and realize that I’m not alone in my experiences. I was in a year long relationship with someone like this. Manipulative, abusive, no empathy for others whatsoever but could present themselves as the most charming dream you’d ever meet. They were big on playing the victim and since I’m a very accommodating and caring person they got to me by lying about their childhood and playing on my abundant caring instincts. Like a fool I allowed myself to be taken in by the ‘broken victim’ persona and cared for them day and night with nothing in return.

      At the end of the year they suddenly and unexpectedly vanished out of my life. They later said that they had done so because they loved me and knew they were going to hurt me. Of course, by that point they already had caused me immense pain and exhaustion, though I do to this day believe that they truly had a tiny ping of a conscience if only for that one moment.

      I was left with PTSD after being with them and I felt so unsure of myself and my own reactions to the whole ordeal. It’s good to know that this is a common reaction to what happened. Unfortunately the medical professionals refused to help me beyond diagnosis and I was left by myself for two years, too afraid to reach out to make friends, let alone get involved in the dating scene again.

      Thankfully I am in a much better position nowadays. I’ll soon be married to my best friend who is a kind, empathetic and – above all else – honest, person. I do still struggle with upholding our relationship sometimes because my ex conditioned me to have set responses to certain things. Thankfully my current partner puts time and effort into helping me work through these behaviours and I’m certain that with time I’ll come to react normally to things once more.

      1. You have made me smile that you are happy again and in love . Its give me some hope that I will trust again and find that special someone , am one year down the road . Good luck to you and congratulations x

      2. I empathize with this post so much. Especially not being able to enter the dating scene. I’m just too damaged and afraid right at this moment. It’s so upsetting to see this person already moving on with multiple sources of new “supply”. It has really messed me up and I spent a year and a half doubting myself because of his lies. I don’t feel as though I know myself anymore and it’s a hard struggle to remember me again.

      3. Its 3am on the morning and im crying over my ex who suddenly left me after 6 months. Reading your comment has made me feel so relieved as you think your the only one going through this. I didnt know what a sociopath was till i asked him to leave in order to save my sanity.. my home life.. my relationship with my daughter. I was manipulated..abused by twisting my wrists and spitting on me. Why did i allow this to happen. I was i thought in love. Im slowly recovering.

      4. Thank you for this response. And thank you to the author of this post. The parts that I loved most about my sociopath lover was the parts of myself mirrored back at me. I realize I was drugging myself with false love. You really have to get away 100% from the sociopathic dealer. It’s the only way. Don’t take any bait from anything, anyone or think you can handle a drive by or a fb snoop. If you do, the potency of the drugs you will be feed, could kill you. Please realize those moments weren’t real, those memories that haunt you when you are alone and trying to find the logic in them. Those moments did happen, they happened because you made them happen. The sociopath was just along for the ride or the reward of what you are, a beautiful giving soul.
        I hope the best for everyone, I love you all, please know that your worth is worth living.

      5. I wonder every day if i will ever be the same again. My husband left me almost two years ago. I still have sex with him. I love him unconditionally. He to is my drug dealer. We have been married for almost 15 years. I have always been a strong person, i am now 56 years old and he is 45. Im so addicted to him. My life is a mess.My Mom has passed away and heroin is running my kids life. Im a wreck. .I struggle every morning with lifes ups and downs. Today im taking my dog into the vet. Hes12 and i pray to Gid they will nit want to put him down. I have never thought about taking my own life” i do want to run away and nit feel the pain of everyday life. I thank this column everyday. Ive been getting better just by knowing i m nit the only one out there that feels like a realky dumb bitch. Not saying anyone ekse is.Thanks for the encouragement and ill keep trying to stay steobg. I have beautiful grandkids, and 2 great kuds. Plus ive been a street Mom to 4 great girks.Thanks for lustening.

    2. I was everything to her, the next day she didn’t even act like I existed. When the relationship ended I have never felt so confused and felt about every emotion all at once. Felt like I was crazy. My partner who I think definitely had sociopath tendencies ended the relationship. I’ve tried to contact her to find out what happened and how can just throw me away after 7 years. She totally ignores me like she’ doesn’t know me. Now that I’ve read some of these articles it’s a good thing she is ignoring me. Because if she did I would believe whatever she told me. Guess I’m saying I’m glad she is ignoring me. If she is s sociopath at least she’s doing the right thing now. We were in love and we’re going to spend our lives together. I believed her. Next thing I knew she was telling me not to contact her again. I was so confused. Now I do think she has some sociopath tendencies. That’s the ONLY thing that makes sense. I dfdnt even realize people could be this way. It’s been 6 months. It’s been hard but I’m definitely getting better.

      1. I am not going to lie to you Christy, and pretend that it is easy. You have been abused, and your mind has been brainwashed by somebody else for their own manipulative purposes.

        It isn’t true that you cannot let go. You can. If you choose to. First of all, you have to WANT to let go. Believe that nothing worse can happen to you, than what WILL happen to you if you stay.

        The longer that you remain in contact with this person, the more losses you will experience in your life.

        Do you understand this? This person is toxic and poison to you. The longer that you stay, the longer it can take to heal and recover.

        Do you have any other support network around you? Would you like to share your story, and explain what is happening to you right now?

      2. I was with a sociopath for 30 years three lovely kids ,mortgage everything ,left me with no sighns of remorse she doesn’t even look like I exist to her oh well plenty of fish .my life just seems like one big waste good luck aye

      1. The sociopath is gone and so is my healh i sigger from droresstion anxiety pts itwas twelve years with this monster i allowed him too take what was suppose to be the best years og my life now theirs no turning back now just doctor after doctor so u know have too take responsibility for what i allowed him to do too me and with gods help it will end on a better not ty u for listing god bless be strong thank u ellen

  2. This is soooo true! Please help me! I was in a relationship with a sociopath for eight years. He abandoned me by silence treatment earlier this year. And i called him a couple months later, which lead to a reunion. He was sweet in the begining and wired me a lot of money. Now i really want to leave him because he acts all crazy again..constantly critisizing me…but am feeling guity to do so. Im afraid that ill need his help so weak and inconfidance and unsure about the future…what should i do? He kept saying that ill only be able to have a well to do life with him..otherwise i will marry someone whos poor and stupid..i know it sounds insane but i truly feel like this could be true if i ever leave me! Help!

  3. I worry that I’ve become every bad thing he ever accused me of. I was not able to face the utter loneliness & destruction in all sectors of my life. Because I was older and he took those last few good years. Also, I had no family and no real friends as I was fast learning. Now I’m paying for not fighting harder for myself after he left. Because the truth is I did give up. Things fell apart sooo fast and I was surrounded by people with his same mentality. I was the prey. I got bullied, couldn’t look people in the eye, afraid to go out of the house….

    1. Hey there are no last year’s until you are dead (unless you are 96 of course). What you are talking about is very complicated it’s the mind trip that they play on you. Read my blog from the beginning (listed on the side old posts) go back to Feb 2013). You will see how he met you, mirrored you then got your insecurities… Offered to solve them and then used shame to belittle you… He focused on your insecurities… The longer that you break free the more you will be able to see what has happened. They deliberately creat dependency and addiction and show you your weaknesses to make you feel worthless. You can come out the other side I promise.

  4. I just cant believe i’ve just woken up to what he’s been doing for 3 years. ive had a horrible feeling in the pit those of my atomach the whole time but was convinced that it was my insecurity and paranoia. why would anyone say such beautiful things and go to those lengths if they didnt really love me? im sickened and just feel duped exhausted and ridiculous. even after we split he tried to brainwash me. i caught him out in his lies because i had to prove i wasnt crazy. before i was with him i was feisty, fun and pretty now i feel worthless, ugly and stupid. even
    worse is im still obsessing while hes out catching new prey. sickened. im glad there are people i can talk to about this because i feel

    1. Ive been dealing with a sociopath for a year now. He made up all these lies and played me cheated on me and moved to California…. A year later I decided to give him another chance bc he put up a fake front about how much he was sorry and that he loved me. I got us both an apartment when he moved back here saying I was the reason he came back… We were good for two months he treated me like gold.. We lost our place and moved to his parents to save money ever since we did he’s been on and off nice, treating me like shit like he doesn’t care anymore and like he never cared. And like I was just someone to get stuff from bc he saw my weakness and that I really loved him.. I’m leaving him today and scared that I’m still gonna be manipulated and upset without him even tho there was more bad then good being with him. I had to quit my job bc he works with me and stalks me there, he harasses me and belittles me til I cry then tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. He’s on and off every other day… What hurts the most is that it’ll never be real bc he’s a sociopath or he just used me and never cared. I’m left with no job, hurt, and he stole a lot of my things and money.

  5. sometimes that ive glimpsed evil and i cant express to anyone how much it’s scared me. even thoae who’ve been telling me from the beginning to stay away still consider him to be ‘messed up’ not the calculating, cold manipulator that ive uncovered. sometimes though. im struggling to deal with the idea he might not even have had any affection towards me. can sociopaths feel affection?

    1. Yes I think they can seen. In terms that they own and consume you. It’s more about ownership, possession and control but they can feel very attached to someone also if it’s in their interests.

  6. your website is my saviour at the moment. i re read an email hed sent which said that we were made for each other- it had been written in the stars and that he thinks we’ll be together forever. do you think they mean what they say in the moment? what is the purpose of that? is that to keep me attached to him and if so why? if he really doesnt love me why would he want that person fawning all over him. if i didnt love someone i’d avoid them- their presence would

    1. I was alone with 2 children and I was sucked in..suckered. I eventually pulled away after 3 years of upset and disappointments 30 break ups and makeups. I stood my ground and said “no more”. Then I was attacked, and although I didnt want to I contacted the police and he was arrested and charged and let off with a caution. I was subjected to a smear campaign and lost all my friends apart from very old dear ones. I have had one email and silent phone calls and then nothing. I know he is involved with several women, but I dont want to warn her, she wouldnt believe me. I still some days feel I want to see him and be hugged and kissed and feel that rush of love, but I know it is an illusion. I feel lonely and sad and broken. I will have to overcome it but it is very hard.

  7. apologies for the many questions. he also denied all knowledge after i had spoken on the phone with his other girlfriend. i told him that i knew everything, put everything i knew out there, and his response was ‘i dont know what you’re talking about, please, i dont understand’ is he a sociopath or perhaps just mentally insane?! i was doing well forgetting about him for a time and i felt lighter- now im rehashing everything and i feel ill again. goddam. thank you for your site x

  8. Sweetie, let me tell you my story. My ex sociopath left me for another woman in another state. I found out the same day he was on a bus and I called the woman. He came back to san jose and I saw him and he denied everything said they were friends and it would be a long time he got envolved. The whole time he was here visiting friends he bragged how good his new life was. They are liars and they will go to any lenght to cover there sick minds. You can’t believe anything that comes out of there mouth. I know this after 8 years of hell. Trust your intuitions and read about them.

    1. thats horrible. after 8 years?did he come crawling back? how long ago? i got a 10 page rambling letter telling me that he just didnt want to live without me and he wanted what we used to have. im the love of his life, i hope to god u give me another chance, i went for a coffe with a girl and it made me realise how much i love you. the WHOLE time he was telling this other girl he wanted to marry her and take her away and move in together. on the plus side shes really nice and i have a friend and ally now.

      1. No, he just came back to visit his family and see his dog he left with me. This was a year ago but 16 months gone. He tried to text me last sept with some chain letter I ignored it and havent heard anything but that hes happy and in love. He calls hes friends asks about me but thats it. I lost 8 years of my life 60 now seeing a therapist for ptsd of him abuse physically and finically and mentally

      2. trust me they never change after about 3 years I saw him again and he was still doing the same thing that he did when he was with me and now came back and found another one so they never change their patterns no matter what

  9. they can only be sent to better us maybe and to make us appreciate the real people all the more. thats how im consoling myself at the moment. hope your life is improving every day x

  10. Seenthelight – couldn’t agree more! I’ve viewing my experience as a life lesson… I had just seperated and in he crept like a parasite.
    I’m now stronger than ever after the worst hurt I think I’d ever experienced, and know I had a lucky escape (people keep telling me I was way too good for him, boy were they right after finding out he didn’t even have a home!).
    I feel nothing but pity for him, he’s on Facebook under a different name adding all manner of random girls as friends now, all over the country, waiting for the next supply.
    Keep on smiling people, we are free!!!!

  11. how long were u together lilyrose? what kind of trixks did he pull to lure u back? yeah mine went back on the dating site the day he got discovered by both of us! no shame, no embarrassment, no laying low, just a really bad profile and some ugly pics of his dead souless face and the tagline ‘lets do this’. he owes me and my dad a lot of money. i always knew he was a loser but i thought a loser that meant well. nope hes a pantomime villain with no shame. im embarrassed that i ever took his lies for truth but yes, has to be a good life lesson here. i will never assume that everyone has a moral code again i will look for proof xx

    1. my thoughts EXACTLY!! i wish i had trusted my gut instincts from the get go! 60 days nc since the last hideous & FINAL discard after 3.5 yrs on off on off discard on off on discard…last one was swift & BRUTAL (he moves in cuz he homeless) 4 days later poof! he just done vanished…..the hurt well y’all know….& yes he went back to OW he originally discarded me for…..sigh uuuggghh….BUT silver lining is after therapy, good true friends & this site i too believe it was a life lesson i will never forget! i now have adopted healthy boundaries & had the opportunity to test this & try a different way of dealing with men who are pursuing me… scared shitless to repeat my relationship choices from the past….i am seeing a man who is very persistent wants to have sex etc…..i told him: not that im not interested but slow cooking is much tastier than fast food…..hes still around & im going at MY pace & what is comfortable for me…..after Socio i suspect ALL of them until i can see their character good or bad……I will never trust blindly cuz it feels good evar again….love & hope to all!!’ xxxxoooo

      1. I love this comment too Jo, how good that you have found your feet and are now setting yourself healthy boundaries. It sounds like therapy was good for you too. It is so good to hear that you are doing well!! 🙂

  12. Thankfully only 3 months, but he pretty much moved in, so spent lots of time with him.

    I’ve been lucky as I had an email a couple of weeks after I uncovered him for the soulless liar that he is, stating the whole “you’re the love of my life” blah blah and the odd text but that’s about all the contact he has made thankfully!

    He works away at festivals during the summer, so wall to wall females… I’ll put money on it that he will crawl from under his rock in the winter as the season calms down (I met him last December where he didn’t have much work on and clearly not enough attention).

    I was embarrassed at being stung at first, but now I just think he’s a pathetic emotionally dead thing that will never know love.

    It has made me look at people in a different way..,, and my trust has been knocked a bit, but I’m working through it 🙂

    If it’s too good to be true, then it probably is x

  13. The ONLY way to get back yourself is no contact policy. I was married to one for 16 years, 2 kids, feeling sorry for him, explaining his lies, etc.I thought he understands me like no one else. Now, from perspective I know he just mirrored myself, using me. I can see clearly. He is with another victim now, she is standing by him like I was despite the prove everybody gave her. I wish she would see…
    I can see now how fake his emotions and life is, he can change friends, forget family members, even kids overnight, change religion, basically get new identity without any remorse or second thought. Run or you will never see things clearly….

  14. I was trapped myself with one for 8long miserable yrs. I just cut the cord cold turkey a week ago, its been hard only because like normal people none of the behavior makes any sense. I caught him in yet another lie, with a woman that I already knew about…just 1 of many. I could go into the whole terrible story of all the cold heartbreaking and emotionally and mentally draining things I experienced with him, but I wont! refuse to feel sorry for myself. I take full responsibility for staying around, I didnt know any better and when we finally see these soulless individuals for who they are, the pity party stops. Just move fwd and DO NOT LOOK BACK! Its hard, but you have to be positive, and know deep deep down at the core of your heart and soul you DESERVE BETTER! You are still beautiful, smart, funny, and the fearless person you were before & after u encountered evil. You have to take time to heal your self, settle your emotions, be kind to your heart. These people are shepards for the devil. Learn,embrace the pain u feel because that is normal, Then let go. Do all the things u forgot about or couldn’t, you are free now. The truth will heal u and set you free literally. Bless us all, its gonna be alright I promise all of you. Be strong, be encouraged that u are not alone. Move fwd, in peace & happiness : ) the lies, cheating, and abuse is OVER. DO NOT GO BACK. YOU ARE WORTHY OF REAL LOVE. These people are incapable of that, and will eventually self destruct. The best revenge…cause I know most of us due to extreme betrayal want that…but again the best revenge is to have zero contact, to move on with your life and embrace true and authentic happiness. They dont want u to be happy cause they never will, their lives are one big lie. Your new life now is one filled with wisedom and truth. Time heals all wounds…be strong my loves! It can only get better, the worst is now BEHIND YOU : )

  15. Just what I needed to read on a slow Sunday afternoon. Thank you Tam. The last week I’ve felt a bit better, having made a consistent effort not to look at anything to do with him. When I’m busy he really does seem insignificant and small and I wonder how I made my life revolve around him for so long. I’m happy that I’m getting my identity back and all the things I loved which were worthy of it 🙂 love and blessings to all of you who are in the same boat xxx

    1. Great seeing what you’re writing. I’ve been in the same boat and cut the cord in July. I just love going back to these boards to remind me of why I should never miss nor contact him again. God bless!

  16. I really need to write my story before I go utterly mad. It is just to get opinions because I am not sure. I think I dated a sociopath but not all the traits and things people are talking about apply to him. For example, he had a very good job, worked hard, hated people who were unemployed and always used to tell his daughter to get a job or go to college. He disapproved of crime, and furthermore, would never dream of hitting a woman, especially since he grew up with his mother and step father and his stepfather used to beat him mother in front of him.

    I met Al at a concert in California and liked him immediately. He gave me his number and told me he did not have a girl friend at the time. I returned to the UK and did not contact him for a couple of months as I knew I would not be back in the US for two months. When I contacted him he was so happy and we arranged to meet up. The evening was disappointing as all he spoke about was his children (2) and his step children (3), and not much about me. The next day he rang me and asked me about a ring on my finger. He had thought I may be married and it had put him off. I arranged to meet him again and we had a wonderful few days together. I was ill and he was caring. But on the last evening I made a joke which he did not understand (my dry English humour) and he walked out of the restaurant really angry wanting me to go with him. I was stubborn and did not return until half hour later and he had packed and gone. I was devastated and when he contacted me a few days later he told me that I should not go out with someone who is not good enough for me and I told him that this was not the case and why did he leave. He had left because he felt that I did not want him there.

    I was in fact madly in love already and I dont know why, I just was. We carried on in contact and he went off on holiday and my friends stalked his facebook if you like and found that he was on holiday with a woman. Since he has female friends I was not concerned, honestly I was not concerned, and the pic of both of them together, it did not look like they were a couple. Roll on one week and I am in New York and I receive an email from this woman to say that she has been in a relationship with him for two months, a week after he first met me. And she had looked at his phone as she was suspicious cos he was acting differently. He had pursued her everyday, spent lots of money on her, bought her presents, told her how good he was in bed and drew a love heart for her. She also said that she had the feeling that he was going to leave her and knew as soon as she saw the messages that I was the one he wanted, not her. I was devastated and we discussed it and this is what he told me and I do believe it, even now ‘I had not contacted him for two months after he met me, so he did not think I would ever contact him. So he had gone on a dating website and met Maria (name changed to protect her privacy) and he was giving it a go with her. He already had the holiday booked by the time I had contacted him so there was no getting out of it and yes he was going to leave her for me. He said that he understood if I walked away, but he had cried over it. I decided to give it a go (as I am writing this I am shocked, but it was all about love with me, nothing but love). In the meantime, he had returned Maria’s stuff and she told me he had looked rejected.

    So he came to visit me few times and all was really well but then I was ill with my leg and I found that he was not loving about it. For instance, he saw me slowing down in the supermarket he told me later, but he did nothing. When we got home, I told him I felt sick but he lay on the bed and ignored me and whilst I was vomiting in the bathroom, his way of showing he cared, was to take my dogs for a walk.

    I didnt contact him for a couple of weeks after because I felt so uncared for and he couldnt understand why I felt this way. I felt depressed and he urged me to get up and do stuff, so I was grateful to him for doing this.

    Then when I went to the US, I had a really strange experience. I walked into his house and his bedroom and this is really scary and I did not understand it, and I still dont, but I had a feeling of cold come over me, a cloak of cold, a house of no love. It was really weird, so I was watching him prepare breakfast and he drove me to the airport and I just could not see anything wrong so I couldnt put my finger on anything. He had been married twice, the first wife did not want to move with him to Germany so he was left there on his own for two years and had an affair which split the marriage up and the second wife had suffered from depression and used to go out half an hour before he got home so she did not have to be with him. I just could not understand it, how she could treat a lovely man so badly. He is still in touch with the three grown up children and stays with them and does all their diy jobs and baby sits their children and there are photos of the time he was married and he is cuddling the girls and teaching them to drive etc.

    So move forward a a few months and I am so happy and in love. I am happy just to be with him. He is calm and he is, lets say, practical. He can see a situation clearly and find a solution. Like he could see I had alot on at home and he told me I was too stressed and needed to do something about it. He did not ask for anything in return. Nothing at all. But I was craving affection from him and one day I was in Washington without him and missing him terribly. When he rang me on skype and I saw his face I kind of had a little melt down. He was ringing me to speak about his daughter (who has only half a brain) and he had a vasectomy because of this, cos he thought he may be to blame and did not want to produce any more children like this. Anyway he rang me about her and I panicked and in order to cover up my feelings I told him that I did not want to speak about her. I saw the expression on his face change to really sad and then I had to leave the hotel to get to the airport so it was only the next day when I got home that he really told me the story of how she had been abused by her boyfriend and nearly died and how I was not there for him the one time he needed me and was suffering. I felt terrible as of course I loved him, but he was so angry and said he did not want to talk to me. He also said something else that struck me as very odd. He said ‘I want a woman who will put her legs around me like Im the only mad that exists’. My heart dropped. I did not know how to rectify the situation and by him not talking to me, I knew he had no forgiveness, and no forgiveness means no love so I was in total shock and even had great difficulty in even standing up. It then got worse, he sent me a video message the next day saying that he hoped I was copying okay and in that video message I could clearly see that whilst I was devastated, he was just feeling sorry for himself. Thats all it was – just feeling sorry for himself. And then I had to sit down and figure out how I had made a mistake like this. And I took the story right back to the beginning starting with Maria and I remembered she said that when he returned her things he looked rejected. And I thought that he should not have looked rejected, he should have looked ashamed (SHOWS HE HAS NO SHAME). She had also asked him to move out of the hotel room and he had refused to do so (NO SHAME, NO REMORSE, NO EMPATHY). Then he had not held me when I was sick like he always promised to do, he had taken the dogs out instead. But something far worse was that when he said he wanted a woman to put her legs around him, I had a weird experience again – I stepped inside his body (and I cant explain it and I dont know if its spiritual or what, but I feel like Im going nuts) but I stepped inside his body and there was a huge vaccuum. There was nothing there, absolutely no feeling and it scared the life out of me. To think that the last time I saw him I was so happy and full of love.
    So because I saw the look of self pity on his face, I waited two weeks until I was strong enough, and I cut off all contact, skype, emails, the lot. I was truly devastated and had to have time off work, could not function, infact I nearly did not make it. He then wrote to me and said that he had over reacted and wanted to meet up. I nearly said yes but then the next three letters said that he could not get over me, and that I had been A CHALLENGE! More devastation for me.
    I did meet up with him again, it was after a year had passed and I wanted to, to get an apology or to see if I was right and that there was no feeling inside him and I watched very carefully and I could see that when he said ‘ok, lets take you to dinner’ , what he really meant was ‘i want to go to dinner but i will take you with me’. I could not eat as i was so upset and there he was sitting at the table saying to me that I did not know how to love and I needed to buy a book called five languages of love to learn and inside all i could think was, ‘well if it was you that wasnt eating in front of me I would be saying ‘darling, are you okay?’ but from him there was nothing. Later on I was crying but he said ‘you know, you didnt contact me for a year and I emailed you loads, wrote to you to say I forgave you about my daughter but you carried on ignoring me and now you are upset’ and he turned over and went to sleep. He took three days off work to spend with me and wanted to come and see me in the UK.

    When I got back to the UK I played him a song but he did not respond. I rang him late at night but I could see I was the only one that had love in my voice. So he communicated with me a couple of times to ask why I did not communicate with him, why I no longer contacted him. But, you see, I knew the truth. I had figured out the truth. He had never loved me. Never ever. And I had not picked up on it because I had been too busy loving him. I had not paid enough attention to him. But I could see it clearly now and when I said goodbye to him at the airport, it was as if I had put my hand in his chest and pulled out his heart, and it was so tiny. Another scary sensation. And yes he is so charismatic, so funny, great company and I am on a high when I am with him and I love being with him and nothing can make up for him. Its wonderful,

    But over xmas I resisted the urge to talk to him and finally I told him I had a letter to send to him in which I put that I had found out the truth, that he never loved me and thats why I was not communicating with him. Not because I dont love him because actually I still do and I dont know why, but I hope that it will fade in time. And I spoke to him on the phone and I cant believe the way he spoke to me. He would not let me speak. He was speaking so quickly, controlling the situation and being reallly dominant. He said my letter had sounded like how his abusive step father had spoken to him and his mum. He said that he didnt care about me, he didnt love me and it was really vicious and i told him that I knew he didnt love me as I had had a year to get over that and he said that no, during the last year he had been trying to contact me because he did love me and i told him no, i had seen the look of self pity and it was not love. He told me that I had made up my own sense of reality and lived in my own little world and he just kept on saying, ;you have won, you have won, you rejected me. I couldnt understand such behaviour. And I kept on saying ;No Al, I did not reject you – when you could not forgive me over your daughter that had shown me that it was not love cos i would have been the most grateful and happiest girl in the world if you had forgiven me, and the following night i had seen the look of self pity and not devastation, and he said that i was making it all up. I told him that I had forgiven him about Maria so why could he not forgive me about his daughter and he was startled that the saga with Maria had hurt me and that he needed forgiving and I understood again, that there was no feeling or empathy there. But ultimately he said ‘go away, i dont want anything to do with you, you have made no effort with this relationship for the last year, i have waited more than a year for you contacting you etc, but now i have moved on and you must move on once and for all and leave me alone’.
    I was still upset even though I have known all along he has never loved me. During that year he did send me an email saying he loved me. I never told him I received it but it is every girls dream to be told they are loved, but all i did when i got it is laugh, cos I knew love does not exist for him. So the year apart was probably the worst year in my life. I was so damaged and crying alot. To find out the man you admire and love does not love you and imagining them with someone else, was more than I could take. He also said to me before he put the phone down ‘Im glad i dont have to listen about your stupid dogs anymore or how you are cold at night and use a hot water bottle when I am not there. I think he is a sociopath cos once he said to me ‘just because im not loving you the way you want to be loved, it doesnt mean i dont loved you’. But the other things like showering me with compliments, telling me he loved me, mirroring me, boasting about sexual prowess – he didnt do this. And he wasnt good in bed but he was talking about anal sex alot and I understand that this is a dominance thing. So yes I have had my heart broken and hopefully I can move on but I am looking to see if it is agreed that he is a sociopath. I think yes.

    1. Hi Rosie,

      Personally for me, it was really hard to accept just how monstrous everything was. My eyes are still opening constantly to the extend of his atrocities. It’s been more than half a year of no direct contact, yet, even with professional help, I am still struggling with the carnage and destruction my psychopath/sociopath created – and sadly,
      some days, although logically and cognitively I understand for what it was, pure manipulation from start to finish, I still miss him and think fondly of him from time to time.

      When I read through your post, the painful involvement I had with
      my psychopath/sociopath, you wrote that “he had a very good job, worked hard, hated people who were unemployed and always used to tell his daughter to get a job or go to college. He disapproved of crime, and furthermore, would never dream of hitting a woman, especially since he grew up with his mother and step father and his stepfather used to beat him mother in front of him.” They are excellent at portraying something that they are not but something that their targets/previous targets/concurrent targets are or strive to be. The part about his stepfather beating his mom was mostly told to you, to gain your empathy and pity so you will trust him, and get to you thinking he is someone good and trustworthy. Whether it was true or not, it’s questionable, even if there is part truth, he just using it to gain your sympathy. Also the same with the hardworking and telling his daughter to get a job, maybe he did it because you value hard work, and telling his daughter to get a job would appear that he cares, where is could be another way of controlling his daughter (after all, what has he got to lose by demanding things of her, at the same time, he has also painted her as lazy in front of you) They are experts at smearing and dividing/pitting people against, because that way they can get you to adore and trust them with their false information, while at the same time, preventing their victims from getting help. They heinously, effectively make you depend on them and use you to whatever means they can and want to all extents (for their personal gain) without any consideration for you (or anyone or thing for that matter). They only pretend to care so you fall for them and to trust them.

      Like how this article well covers, they you what you want to hear:

      Mirroring you
      Offering false empty promises for the future
      Creating a false persona of the perfect person for you
      He/she is creating a ‘high’ that you will become addicted to, and find difficult to leave

      They have you hook and tell the tragic continues.
      In fact read over the article again – still hits home. Actually, today,
      I was feeling unwell and having fond thoughts of the my psychopath/sociopath again.

      Rosie, from your writing, Al exhibited many signs of a sociopath/psychopath, but labeling him as one or not isn’t not the most important. He is clearly manipulative, and insidious and you name it here in many instances, his inappropriate behavior, the quick bond that was made with you, the trying to place the blame on you and everyone around him. With all those toxic traits, it not someone you want to be involved with anyway. In the beginning which I found out my sociopath/psychopath for what he is/was, I was the same way, and sometimes at a short instance, I still defend him without consciously registering, the fake me he has implanted in me through brainwashing is not completely gone, but with information (read what you can on sociopaths website like this one and books (not by sociopaths but about them, at least not in the beginning (of when you found out the manipulative individual they are), help, and time. Although, painful and extremely hard, it does get better – the real you will that stronger with information, help and time.

      Good luck and be gentle with yourself.

      1. With a more rested and calmer mind after a bit of rest, just realized multiple grammatical mistakes I made. Sorry about that. Reading your story, and the stories of other victims, as well as the posts on this site,
        reminds me of what I went through. It’s really bizarre how much similarity in the way they exhibit and execute their cruelty. Although, it feels insane, you are not alone, the feeling insane is part of the monstrosity done through their manipulation and brainwash. They could do it through flattery or threats, it’s whatever is most convenient to them and what they see as best to manipulate you. The more expert they are in manipulation, the less likely the victim will notice (slowly, little by little, tailoring it to suit their calculated manipulation), Even if the victim(s) notice, it’s probably not to the extend of the carnage. If the victim confront them with it, they would twist it to have their victims feel sorry for them and would even blame the victim for it. To sum it up, they are excellent at isolating and copying they victims to suit their needs to manipulate and get maximum gain with the least amount of effort. As long as they can use you, they will. Mine almost had my and my family killed, and he would have made it look like a suicide. The scary thing is that, if he didn’t underestimated his next victims and discard me and my family so carelessly to try to recapture his next victims (oh, it’s forbidden that they lose out to what they are not entitled to!), he could have kill all of us, and I wouldn’t have thought badly of him up to the point where he would have killed me and family. Then after our deaths, he would have completely possession of what little we had left (in comparison to what we had before we met him).

        It will take time and information to undo the brainwash, and try to trust yourself a bit more, too see the harm he did you to. You didn’t fabricate it, he fabricated a lot with calculation to make you think that the harm/inappropriateness was acceptable. Good luck.

      2. i just realized mine also portrayed a good guy image great job money, didn’t like liars, gave all people a equal chance, didn’t like cops he said they twist everything when in fact he was the twister only truth is he did have a job..he lied about everything and i believed it all.. i remember describing him to my family as…” he’s out there” i knew there was something VERY different about him.. VERY…. and he looked at me like nobody has ever looked at me before… i couldn’t explain it until my daughter looked up sociopaths and she got chills along with myself when she read the signs of sociopaths… we both said together omg its him….

    2. 100% yes yes yesssss. Hold on. Be strong and move on love. I know your pain but you will pull through. I promise!☺

  17. Omg this site really hit home… I dated a sociopath for 3 years. Despite the lies..cheating .. Physical abuse I still tried to see the good in him despite friends and family telling me otherwise. Being with him made me feel so complete and his actions were completely forgotten as soon as he came bk home and with his apologies and sweet words. When I met him i was in a dark place in my life I had a newborn son by a deadbeat father and i can say I was definitely vulnerable . When I started dating him it was just to fill a void I really didn’t have any expectations as he was not the type of guy I would typically date. I was college educated , independent, a good job on the contrary he was a convicted felon, high school drop out, no car, the list goes on so needless to say it was not someone I was looking for in a husband it was just something to do to get me over my sons dad. I use to see him 2 to 3x a week usually on his days off. About 3 to 4 months in he moved in with me he was so good to my son it felt like i had the family that I was wanting. We had such good chemistry when we weren’t arguing about him cheating or him contributing to household bills it felt so real… He had children of his own so his kids would come on weekends and stay with us it really felt so real. he would constantly cheat on me …I would kick him out and a week later I’d let him back in…there was a time I even caught him with another woman in my house but even then I took him back . He always justified his cheating by him saying I would threaten to kick him out or talk down to him about the money he makes. In the midst of the cheating I got pregnant 3x in 2013 by him but I couldn’t go through with the pregnancies because I couldn’t bare the thought of raising another child alone …. At the end if 2013 after my third abortion i finally had enough … I was struggling financially so I moved bk home with my parents. While living with my parents I was miserable without him so I started bk talking to him again and we moved bk in with each other for some crazy reason I felt that this time would be different. In a sense it was I didn’t catch him cheating he had he told me he changed his number so no other women could Contact him. He blocked all the women that we had issues with in the past on Facebook So all was good so I thought. We had good times in 2014 but we argued constantly over money and my suspicions of him cheating so i put him out again. While we were broken up he called me and told me he had got pulled over for a DWI … I told him I wasn’t giving him anymore money but I would call his mom and sign the bail paperwork . So called his mom told her I would do the bond paperwork but she would need someone to get his property and pay the bond. She told me ok she would have his cousin do it. After doing the bail paperwork I come bk from lunch and I get a text message from a girl named Linda… She tells me that my ex has been lying to me the whole year and they’ve been talking ..shet told me that my ex was only using me for a place to say. She also told me that he has been sleeping with other women too. She told me he has been using a fake number to talk to her and that he has another Facebook account. To my surprise all of my suspicions were right I couldn’t believe I was fooled again sure I suspected it but I didn’t want it to be true. And to top it off she also told me she was pregnant but had an abortion. I was so hurt I couldn’t believe all she was saying. I thought I was finally done with him. So after he got out he tried to call bk and try to explain himself he would say all of them were lying and Linda was just saying what she could to get me out the way. I knew he was lying but I still wanted to believe him. I wouldn’t let him move in but we would still see each other we would have arguments about Linda but he would tell me he was just there to help him get his court case handled. Again I believed him and by the looks of her he couldn’t possibly want to be with someone like that. In January we again started talking about getting bk together he told me he wanted a family and we were trying to get pregnant. In February I became pregnant again …I was so happy I didn’t think I was able to get pregnant again due to the abortions I had previously …when I went to tell him the news he flipped the script on me I was baffled . I though this was what he wanted and surely he wasn’t going to make me go through another abortion again. I asked him to be honest with me and let me know what was going on with this Linda girl and he kept giving me the run around so I text her myself. And a minute later he called me and told me he wants nothing to do with me or the baby and told me to not ever talk to him again. I was heart broken all of what we have been through he tried to play me as if I were some stranger… I text her all of our screenshots of our messages .. Since then we hadn’t talked and of course I went through with another abortion. I’m just heartbroken how can someone I loved so much treat me so badly.. Of all people how could he deny me I stook around hoping things would get better and we would have our happily ever after I didn’t stick around to be dissed and humiliated…I still look for closure …I’m looking for an apology or something…it just seems so unreal how can someone be so heartless? I was there for him … Treated his kids well and this is how he treats me. Why can’t I get over it and move on? It just hurts so bad.why wasn’t it enough back in September, or the first time he cheated…or after the other abortions … Why did I stay to be treated like this? How can I love again or even trust someone again? I know time heals but I just can’t see it in my future.

    1. This story is the same as mine oh my god . 3 years u feel like ur alone but In reality it happening all over the world . Would be good to chat . Hannah

  18. I can relate to so much of what all of you are describing. I married a sociopath/narcissist. He had been married twice before and had two children from the second one. We started having problems early on and ignored all the signs, even warnings from his mother and second wife. I was completely blinded by the facade of the life/family I desired so much. I am a Christian and my faith is my identity. I am also a single mother. Marrying him has taken away my identity. The emotional/physical/mental abuse has hurt and pained the deepest part of who I thought I was. He has had numerous affairs, continued to lie, and try to manipulate me. Making me feel like I am the problem. I didn’t respect him enough, I am the reason everything is crashing down. Then, just when I’m ready to leave he comes in with his charm and sweetness trying to win me over again. We haven’t been married even a year….My son is 5 years old and I know in my heart that I need to divorce him. I have moved out of the house. I cannot live in that house with him there. I have left and came back twice already. I cannot keep doing this! He has completely ruined me emotionally and part of me still cares for him because he has manipulated and won me over with his charm. I want so deeply for this to be a bad dream and that I will wake up any minute. But, then I realize that its not and he has already moved on to his next victim and she has no clue who she is getting involved with. I just want to move on with my life and leave him behind.

  19. Even if it’s true and they are your drug, and you are cured from them you think they are just going to let you go, hell no…. because the empath is there drug to.

    1. Yes, you could be right John….. but sometimes they do leave if they meet someone else who can give them what they want!! ….. but often they return at a later date.

  20. Thanks for this thread. I’ve been doing much better since I broke up with the socio…but, some days the lies still haunt me. I just keep reminding myself of the peace I now have.
    Somedays I just wish for revenge or illness on him.

  21. For the past month i’ve been reading this site as much as i can. 3 years ago I thought i’d met the man of my dreams, i was a single parent of 2, i’d been raising my kids alone for so long and i desperately wanted a “family” He offered everything I wanted. Within 6 weeks he moved in, i got pregnant quickly and everything was perfect. He told me horror stories from his childhood and past relationships, i felt so bad for him I gave him everything, wanted to finally show him how it felt to be loved. As time went on it changed, there was no point in trying to tell him if I was unhappy with something, if I did he twisted every conversation so that whatever he’d done was my fault, maybe something i’d done 3 months previously was the problem. I always ended up feeling bad and apologising for what he’d done so eventually I stopped and just carried on day to day. He isolated me from friends and family, put everyone in my life down but only to me. Everyone else, except my sister thought he was great. He hated my sister and tried numerous times to come between us, he made her feel unwelcome. It started to feel like I couldn’t do anything right. I had to cook him a separate meal every night cause what the kids and i ate was “boring” but even then he could have done it better himself. At work he was the best at everything, no one was even close to being as good as him. He was a better parent than me and seemed to isolate our son from the rest of us.
    One month ago he went to a funeral, he didn’t come home, just sent a txt the next day to say he was bored, didn’t love me and was with another woman. The last thing he said before he left was that he loved me and i was beautiful!! I contacted his ex, was informed he’d done the same to her and her children, exactly the same. He told her he loved her, went to a funeral, didn’t go home and sent a txt the next day similar to the one I got. His ex previous to her he left one day while she was at work and never got back in touch. I also spoke to his step mom. He told me his ex and step mom were both crazy alcoholics who abused their children. All lies, he told me his dad beat him as a child. Another lie. His step mom is and has been a manager of a care home for 17 years, she’s had little contact with him since he pushed her down, stamped on her back and broke her ribs in a drunken rage. His ex wife, also a crazy alcoholic works with special needs children! Within 2 days of the “txt” it was on Facebook he was in a new relationship, he used fb to post hurtful pics aimed at me, spent the next few weeks getting at me. I did ask him to visit his son, he agreed to meet me then backed out last minute. He didn’t ask about him, just tried to keep getting at me. Everything was my fault but the reasons for it being my fault kept changing. He still hasn’t seen his son or offered financial assistance but i found out our son is his 5th child, he’s never had anything to do with the others, the oldest being 20 now and avoided the cad for years. I have started no contact now, for about a week so far. Told him to set up a contact centre if he wants to see our son. Our son is 21 months old and the change in him since his father left is unreal, he’s gone from being a monster, wouldn’t play with other kids, hitting and giving people death stares to being a pleasure, plays with kids, no hitting, no death stares, he’s happy and friendly to everyone! He won’t even look at a picture of his father!
    My problem is although i’ve started no contact i’m thinking about it every day! Not getting upset now but keep thinking why?? He was so lovely once, why did he change? Who is he really? Was the whole time we spent together a lie? An act? How could he discard me like i’m nothing and immediately start posting pics of his new girlfriend and her child? How could anyone be like that? Why doesn’t he seem to care about our son?

  22. One of the things that helps me when I miss the person that my psychopath pretended to be is to remind myself of who he really is. I found out that he has a live-in girlfriend that he disparages at every turn, who he cheated on emotionally with me; he also picks women up at the soup kitchen and takes them into the garage at his nicest rental unit (where he stores his gorgeous BMW and motorcycle), where he remains with them in private for a long time. I think of THAT man and I am so disgusted! He is such a pathetic lowlife that he is a laughingstock at the soup kitchen! I think of who he really is and I want to poke him away with a sharp stick.

    1. Yes I found that the truth set me free. You realise what using, cheating people they are. How they play everybody and have no care for anybody but themselves. Then you feel relief thank God it’s not me he is doing that to anymore. Liars and cheaters ugh.

  23. My husband of 13 years is a sociopath. He walked out on me and our 12 year old son 5 weeks ago to be with a 22 year old, he is 43. He has lied,cheated,physically a abused me and emotionally verbally mentally abused me and our son for years. Even with all that I still love him and miss him. I wonder why is treating this girl better than me. The thoughts will not stop. This is a man that spent 5years in prison for assaulting me, and was able to charm his way back into our lives. Was wonderful for almost a year then violated parole and went back for 9 months. Came home and again wonderful for several months. Then the verbal abuse started the cheating and threats of physical abuse. Then he would be good. Taking us to go look at new houses and family vacations. Making all these plans for our future. Then he tells me he is no longer in love with me. Said we are too much alike and he is leaving. My world stopped and my heart was shattered. He makes the last few days he was here a living hell for my son and me. A week after he left he comes by late at night witj the new girl and starts yelling slut whore and other cruel names. Both of them knowing our son hears all this. I go and get a protective order for him to stay away from both me and our son. The day he got served he had this girl go get a protective order against me. I have never spoken to this piece of trash. That was his way to bully me and scare me. All the while playing the victim to this stupid little girl. I have now had the protective order extended for 2 years for both my son and myself. No contact except through lawyer. The judge told him that due to the threats of physical violence and his past history he was granting us the protective order. Our son had to testify against his dad and this man showed no emotion. He did not even ask the judge if their was some way for him to see is son. I have our son in counseling now and I start next week. I’m trying to be strong for my son. It’s hard when you wake up feel like you need this person like a druggie needs his drug. Sorry this post is so long. I just feel like if I write it down then I can deal with what he has done. A friend told me that’s is bad that in order for me not to miss him amd want so bad to see him I have to go back and remember every hit, choke, lie and other women just to make myself not want him. They are like a drug you hurt so bad from missing and needing them that you literally feel physical sick. I just want the cycle to stop.

      1. Hello positivagirl. I have read about the trauma bonding and I know that is what has happened. It’s not getting any better. I miss him so much. I’m trying to get out and do things with friends. I still constantly think of him and the new girl. I know he is treating her like a queen. Bought her a opal ring, my birthstone not hers and got her roses. I took him to court for child support got more than he thought i would. Next thing i know I’m getting a subpoena. He now wants to fight for visitation. A judge just gave me and our son a 2 year protective order. I feel so lost and lonely. He has made no attempt to contact me. I have had protective orders before and he has broken them. I guess this girl is who he really wants. He always came home after a few weeks with the other women.

      2. He isn’t treating her like a queen that is just an illusion and part of the game that they play. He cares about one person. Himself. He plays games and likes to win he is an asshole

  24. I’m writing to hopefully have a bit of moral support as I move on from dating a man whom may have sociopathic tendencies. At the very least, I believe I was lied to — a lot. It’s difficult because 90 percent of the lies are ones I cannot prove are true but just seem highly likely. And these “little lies” we’re happening from the beginning. It took 6 months for them to pile up (and a final vanishing act of his) and finally convince me. It wasn’t until I ran into him two weekends ago (in a completely divine way that I know was orchestrated by God) that I was finally slapped in the face with the reality. We had parted ways at the very end of July. So it was two months later. He was with his children, another woman, and hers. It did not look new. It also could have bee the answer for all of the questionable things that had happened all along. It put me into a state of shock. I have never been in this sort of situation. And, like everything I’ve been reading now on the subject, we “fell in love” fast and hard. It was a unique and thrilling experience. He seemed so very sincere. And our connection seemed unmatched. He got it. He was with it. We were right there mentally. I was never annoyed by him and in pure bliss when we were together. He seemed like he was so very into me. Almost needing me to be the one confirming things sometimes. To think that he may have been off with another weekend during some of the suspicious gaps… Very hard to swallow. And the lying… I never really brought myself to think he could have been because I guess I just can’t fathom a human who seemed so loving could really be so blatantly deceitful. Any help and support… Appreciated! In other areas of life, I’m a very put together girl. This has me reeling. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want it to all go away and for us to have what he “had”.

  25. Here I am, back to where I was a year ago.. i was with sociopath for 8 years. We met in 2006, and slowly started dating. He was this charming attentive and gentle man. Very generous and kind…Then all of a sudden I felt likey life had been hijacked , and I was forsed to leave a boyfriend of 6 years that I with at the time. Because my sociopath was the life ofy life..or that’s what I thought. In the meantime I lost my house and bussines, because he couldn’t help me at the time, even though before he promised to do so…anyway, then there was marriage. ..but not mine and his-he married his long time girlfriend in 2011 when I went on vacation with my parents. He also blamed me for it, saying that it wasy fault not telling him who I was going with, so he did it to get back at me…is this a comedy or tragedy? Is my life just crazy, or is it me? I can’t believe myself! I can’t forgive mysel!
    But this is not all
    At the beginning of 2013 we went on the trip abroad, and shortly after that I for pregnant. I have a.beautiful boy now, and I am so thankful for that…but my sociopath who has been promising me to be getting a.divorced this whole time,.just told me thaty family is against him.and his religion and he leaving town…he owes me a lot,.and my heart is broken again…i can’t seem to grasp this consept, my mind refuse to understand that he is just evil empty shell..and I keep falling into this trap over and over again…i am not a stupid person, I have masters degree and respectful job…why.can’t I stop this circle that is destroying me. I feel old, worthless, unattractive, I am 45 years old. I lost so much for him, and feel like my life is over.

  26. I met a sociopath 17 months ago now and I am struggling. I wasn’t attracted to him in the least at the beginning.We met online and as the story goes talked a few weeks before meeting. Little did I know I was in for the time of my life. Not in a good way.
    There’s way too much to write here but long story short I don’t see a way out.
    Knowing what I do about sociopaths, he played his hand so well, his intended outcome has been achieved.
    I have never had a high opinion of myself and so I was the perfect target.
    My struggle is within. He has me doubting myself and thinking up is down.
    I know what the reality is but he has drilled a new reality in my head.
    He is the most intelligent man. Should I say intelligent in manipulating.
    The truth is these people feel worthless and they use and control others to feel like they matter.
    From the outset, he sold me an image or what he knew I wanted. When we met he couldnt be any farther from the truth.
    I sent him a text laying everything out. I informed him if he didn’t stop I would contact the police. These monsters get their power from our silence, our passitivity.
    I know I have a long inner fight ahead but realize its worth every moment of pain.
    I feel he has of course moved onto greener pastures and soon enough I will realize how lucky I am that he has.
    Hang in everyone this is not the end of the world. Its actually the beginning!!☺

  27. “You feel pain in your heart from:

    The way that you were treated – especially if you were cruelly discarded or emotionally/physically abused
    The thoughts of all the lies, the false empty promises – the life you were promised, the dream that you were promised, but that never came true”

    This ^. So much this. Oh the promises, the lies, the bs…at some point it just gets so obvious you look them dead in the eye and you are like “Man stfu, you’re not taking me on all these trips/vacations, moving in with me, spending the rest of your life with me etc” – whatever it is he is currently peddling. And then do they protest! “Baby but I will” – lmao trying to convince you and themselves it seems. And then, just like that, they are gone. Probably off telling the same exact things to others. I realise it can be highly unpleasant, hurtful even…what helps is learning to just laugh at these fools. They are predictable, textbook, operating from a same pattern. You know you can’t take them seriously.

      1. They certainly are the Parasites who walk this Earth!
        When you walk away from them, it becomes much clearer in what they did!
        I left in September 2014, so nearly 4 years down the line.
        Flashbacks still come,but not as frequent. I totally agree, the only way to get over this is no contact,or they’ll reel you back in like a fish on a hook.
        My story had a strange ending….I fought my ex through the courts for 2 years, and I won,and was granted a divorce.
        A year to the day of that final hearing, my ex committed suicide.
        I’ve not shed one tear in hearing that,only a numbness.
        My beautiful dog died a month later,and I’ve cried so much over him….sums it up I guess 😐

      2. Omg. What trauma you have been through Lynne. You are quite right. You only see the truth about what they actually did much further down the line. Am sorry to hear about your dog. Did you ever do therapy for all the trauma you have been through? Thank you for the update. I do remember you. I hope you are well.

  28. Okay I will share my story and Please Don’t judge me I don’t know how I got myself wrapped up in this. I am a Gender Queer (male to female)
    I have a friend on Facebook I routinely talk to one day a friend of his who enjoyed my comments befriended me. Her and I shared a lot in common yadayada yada .. Months later her “Fiance” (They’re not married but she uses his last name) Befriended me. We quickly chatted everyday he was Charming and really funny and sweet, I never put two in two together that he was having “FEELINGS” for me. Anyways Months Go by and I am scheduled to Travel to another city that wasn’t far from them (a few hours away) Since I know they don’t have much money and her bday was approaching I decided to throw celebrate her Bday with her and take her out and show her a good time. From the moment that trip started it was A roller Coaster ride of events. He then professed while chatting with me that he was “IN LOVE WITH ME and Never Felt anything like this before etc” I quickly fell under his charm. Many chats and fights and She was “okay” with the arrangement he date me and her. a month goes by we talk every day he messages me all the time then By the second trip I am scheduled to visit he was short with me”oh when is your trip again? as in here in the area? like how many days again? I was confused because a few days before that we already talked about that. Okay Anyways I can’t get a hold of him till the day I arrive and he is like “Oh I couldn’t get the days off or such” the next time we chat is 17 days later. then communication is spotty and we don’t really chat till one day he messages me Frantic how his GF Jane (named witheld) left him after a nasty fight she was going away for a few days to sort through what happened… He was SO overwhelmed with grief how can she do this to him and how she left him and HE IS SOO BROKEN WHY DID SHE DO THIS TO HIM he can’t eat or sleep he’s a mess he never once acknowledged his part in the WHOLE fight just that he was tired of her lying and being secretive and chatting to others (without his knowing) I should have know then something was up but he played the victim card so well, I consoled him and helped him he was like “you’re amazing” she returns and everything is “okay” we make plans to celebrate his bday ( he says he never celebrates because of various reason from money to timing) no problem I arrive in town we have a great time till one night he is Drunk and we have a fight I bring up the fact that he has ignored me for NO REASON and has been cold, turns out he’s been chatting with the Ex gf who he says he left for the Current GF of 6 years who he has a daughter with. We fight he cries and holds my hand and says I am sorry tell me what to do to make this better don’t leave I am sorry it won’t happen again..We patch up the “misunderstanding , we continue to chat almost everyday he would wish me good morning talk for hours on end even at his job while he worked meanwhile she is moody not very talkative is very Rude to me yet I ask her what’s wrong are you okay I only get the usual reply “I’m fine” From all the roller coaster of chats and such I am ready to end it, I leave them a voicemail explaining why I don’t think it will work she insist “everything is okay and that she’s hard to read emotionally” he Messages me like ” why are you doing this I let you in my heart and you want to leave I care about you” he bombards me and overbearing with emotion I just say I don’t think I will see them he convinces me that he cares about me” everything is okay then again 2 weeks prior to me visiting he does that same behavior he did the first time “Oh so when are you coming ? you’ll be in town like My town ? as in the town I live? (um that’s what that means). Finally I just had enough and decided to cut ties with them. I honestly feel for her because she is emotionally wrecked by his actions she says she just wants to sleep all day not wake up. Her and I talked about how she wishes she had the relationship with him when she first met him. Sorry to say but he was never hers either and uses and still uses her for just sex and emotional dump. She isn’t allowed to have friends… I will mention that between them I have never once got a thank you for spending my time, MONEY (lots of it) on him from help paying bills and dinners, gifts.. I am so emotionally drained. Writing this helped me get rid of the hurt and darkness I have had in my heart for months. He was so charming then COLD and non responsive to me.

    1. Hey g4 welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your story. You tell me what you gave but what exactly did you get from them? Are you still friends with the gf? Have they got back together? It sounds complicated. Please don’t spend any more of your money on them.

  29. It would be far simpler to spot an SP,if they walked around with halo’s on their heads, as that’s how they see themselves,perfect in every way!!!!!
    It took me nearly 15 years down the line,to finally leave,although I wanted to do it a lot earlier.
    The biggest mistake was moving abroad with him,the control escalated big time,by then I had no life of my own anymore!!!!
    It’s easy to say no contact,but via my solicitor,I’m fighting for what’s rightfully mine,he’s not making it easy off course,but I just feel why should he have everything,when I have nothing…. Although he’s telling people everything was all his to begin with…. No surprises there!!!!
    I guess now,he’s punishing me,for having the audacity to leave him….
    I’m 18 months down the line,and I’ve never regretted leaving. It was made easier,as I didn’t love him…. And I wonder if I ever did… Think I was brainwashed into it all….with his,look at me,I’m Mr Wonderful attitude😡

    1. Yes. Once they have you isolated and with nobody else to offer an accurate mirror of your life, they can then sell you back their deluded, twisted mirror. i don’t think anyone really regrets leaving it isn’t an easy thing to do – but when you look back you can see just how horrible (and scary) life was. My life is quiet now. Peaceful.

  30. Its been 1 month. This is a hard time for me. I feel like a black cloud has chosen to follow me around….I can’t believe that no contact is the only way…..Im hurting so bad inside
    and I want him to hurt too….but how can I hurt someone with no conscience. ….???Why do people like him win???..Nobody understands how much pain my soul is in….

    1. He does not win. He walks the earth empty. Not understanding how it feels to really fall in love. He only knows how it feels to lose control and ownership. I am sorry you are hurting at one month it is still early days. How long were you together?

  31. I have the password for one of his fb acounts. I eneter daily and see what he publish in the other account wich is the official.

    I need badly to know about him.
    I miss him though I will never go back with him.

    I cry once a while remembering how he could do that to me.

    1. I noticed recently my ex left his fb login on my tablet a few days ago I noticed also. We broke up in March and I’m still wondering what he’s up to its not healthy…. He checks on my fb with fake accounts also. But I logged into my tablet on his fb a few times, reading his messages he was saying to my friend to find out who brought him to my house the other day I knew it was her who back stabbed me and brought him when I want nothing to do with him he’s abusive crazy and nasty. Anyway you need to stop going on his fb you’ll only find things you don’t want to see all I saw was bad, so I deleted his saved Facebook password off my tablet.

  32. Omg it makes me so angry….. I left him Sept 2014, and became the person I was again,prior to meeting him. Still on an ongoing legal battle,but until he decides it’s game over.. IT won’t be!!!! Two can play that game😊, as I’m not giving up on it,although I think he thought,the more awkward he made every hurdle,I would back off!!!
    Why is it,they want to constantly check your movements.. He’s on Facebook now,but I’ve blocked him,( not foolproof I know)
    The other thing is they’re so damn secretive about everything aren’t they!!!
    In fact with all the information I’ve found out about him since I left,I just think I was married to a complete stranger,I never knew him at all.
    And,little gullible me was taken in by all his lies…. Brainwashed with it all.
    There is life after an SP,trusting again is an issue,but I’m happy,he’s not,as he’s in major victim mode…
    My advice is no contact whatsoever, it’s all via my solictor now,and I never want to set eyes on his smirking face ever again. Rant over 😂😂
    At least I kept my sanity and wit together😉

  33. It’s been 2 yrs now for me and I wanted to report some of my post Sociopath healing. First of all I had a heck of a time believing he was a sociopath and not just a guy who didn’t love me. (not his fault) I could NOT understand that he wasn’t even turning out to be a friend like every other guy had been. I felt totally ashamed like he must hate me to say & do so much to ruin my name & crush my heart. The pain was excruciating as one truth after another was revealed along with the new, way younger, thinner, blonder girl he moved in with a month later. The smear campaign was brutal without many roots in this area. BUT slowly I got stronger and began to heal without knowing it. It felt like gritting my teeth, crawling around lost, plopping down one foot after another, afraid to look anywhere in case I’d see something unbearable. I could only find temp work & was living in an RV but having no place to park it and hookup to utilities as the oil drilling industry exploded at the same time here in the Rocky Mountain west.

    I stayed alone and did this by myself without friends and family. ( They just can NOT understand!) I did find a therapist with some experience who was willing to learn with me. Thank God! But it was the internet and Positive Girl with this website that saved me. I trusted her. She leads the way to understanding the Sociopath and this MUST happen before you even start to heal and recover your grip on your sense of self.

    By this I mean your essential knowing of who you really are in your innermost self. It’s still there, but its been thrown wildly off track. (Especially if you got a really good Sociopath!) I do think the term ‘Narcissist’ is way overused, much like autism was assigned to children. But Sociopathy & Psychopathy are thriving in today’s world of the Internet and Mass Media.
    I do feel a bit envious of the girls who move on so quickly with the new “good” man. But I truly believe it was choosing to not socialize very much and to stay alone while I tore open these grievous wounds and faced everything in my life straight on. Not because I wanted to but because I had to.

    No big fairy tale here. But I can absolutely testify to a profound and spiritual healing that leaves me with a calm, assured sense of myself as the best kind of woman… intelligent & beautiful in my heart and soul and a fine, powerful animal as well.

    So, if I can wait before the next man, so can you! Thanks to all of you and my utmost respect and gratitude for the love, generosity and integrity of this website & Positivagirl !!

  34. im having a bad time today….. june 2015 was my final discard & i am still thinking about him every day most of the day….i did really well first 6 months because i had NO CONTACT….for the last year i have allowed or have initiated contact every few months ….i must say its horrible feeling great for the first day & then the depression sets in & i feel exactly like i did when he dumped me june 2015….. he contacted me 5 dsys ago & i foolishly engaged & agreed he could call the next day…..of course he didn’t & i was CRUSHED….& texted him fuck you…..i feel like shit that i contacted him!! all my therapy & hard work down the drain….i am day 3 NC..,,,I blocked his number FB email etc….blocking phone was a first for me bcuz i was always waiting for next hoover sometimes for months!!! I realize it has to be No CONTACT EVER if i want to get & stay sober…..blocking his number is giving me great anxiety but i sm determined……i wish i never backslid im so depressed

  35. Thank you thank you thank you.
    I have an URGE to peek at his Facebook page. It has been very interesting of late. He posts stuff pointed directly at my ‘wrongs’…exposing him.
    I do not need to refresh my ‘addiction.’ I have him blocked on Facebook and I’m gonna stay thattaway. He is freako crazy and I don’t need that in my life.
    The sheer strain of being around him is toxic and so is any peeking on his social media…which he just drips toxicity into. He mainlines poison into his social media. Sets traps and uses people.
    I am thankful for articles such as this to steer me into the right direction.

    1. NO don’t do that. He expects you to look at his page, although surprised he doesn’t have it on lockdown. Good for you blocking him. Keep it that way it will help you to heal and recover.

      Keep going Louie, you can do this.

  36. Hi everyone and thank you for sharing your stories!
    I hope you are all doing well better now!
    I met a sociopath without knowing it . A very handsome and charming one which I am physically and sexually attracted too but emotionally detached because now I know he is a miserable person. He hates himself. He told me about his early childhood abuse and it happens to be truth but he uses it for emphaty as he has none. He is a Dr, which now concerns me. There were red flags at the start of our relationship but I gave him a chance, we were doing a long distance relationship so I did not see half of his behaviour (which I’m glad of) but three holidays were sufficient to learn he is a difficult person to be around. All our arguments were absurd. He is academically smart which cautivated me but I have learned to not take bullshit from anyone. I am stubborn person and challenged each time but as he is unable to take responsibility I ended up deciding to leave him after he walked out while visiting him. I told myself I don’t deserve bad treatment and left. His family confirmed he is a sociopath so I started educating myself and reading people’s experiences. I contacted his exes because I was very angry and I was told he is manipulative and wants to control everything about everyone while he does what he wants. We had great plans but he kept changing them to his advantage so I never moved to the US. He expected me to give up everything to be with him. I am so glad I put myself before him. He hated my independence, which I love! He even said women of this century are unsuitable for him. We have spoken about his mental disorder. I called it the dragon because he has two sides. I like the good side he has learned but my goodness with the sociopathic behaviors, I have a lot of patience but none for nonsense. It makes me sad he was born that way as he did not want but NO WAY I will put up with someone like him for long. I feel my openness about things has helped me let go.
    I’m trying to adapt the no contact rule which I’m learning to master. I will just focus on the negatives to get him out of my mind. I am in control of myself.

  37. I’m now 3 years down the line of leaving my ar*ehole sociopath!!
    In the early days of leaving,I didn’t even know what planet I was on!!!
    Getting to grips with abuse is something else!!!
    The pure frustration of actually dealing with them in the aftermath is probably worse,when they know they’ve lost,we all know they don’t like that!!
    Now,he knows I know all his damn lies he fed me repeatedly,and I never hear from him at all……Bliss🙂
    Brainwashing is something I never ever want to go through again.
    I’ve lost a few friends through his smear campaign,but they’re where I lived with him….3000 miles away….my conscience is clear,I did nothing wrong but leave after I couldn’t stand it any longer.
    I’ve also tried to stop talking about his abuse now,it’s so bizarre,even if people ask what made me leave….I find even describing the things he made me do,totally surreal,which I can only say as bizarre,and I stupidly did it all,mainly to keep the peace,or risk punishment.
    One so called friend who lives near him,actually said to me,if it was that bad,why didn’t I leave earlier🙄
    All of us on here know it isn’t that simple!!!!
    I’m now in another relationship….a normal one, but it took some getting to grips with being in a non control relationship,where I can go out without having numerous phone call check ins,being able to walk my dog without a sidekick sociopath beside me, and maybe the best feeling of all,is being able to voice an opinion and be listened to,without a kick in the leg,and being told to shut up,as I was stupid.
    Yes…..Freedom to be your own person again is the greatest without a doubt👍
    My heart goes out to every one of you and what you’ve been through,or are still going through,as it’s not easy 😞

  38. I am sorry for all who have experienced a relationship with a sociopath. Thank you for your excellent article. It is helping me to have NO contact. I broke my ankle en route to his coastal home 3 months ago and was forced to stay there until I could walk again. When I met him 1.5 yrs ago I was positive, confident, grounded, optomistic, adventurous and close to family and friends. I was on holiday in Cornwall (retired) and a free agent. He chatted me up in a petrol station then pursued me (in his Porsche). I regret ever agreeing on a date. He is a sociopath. Was a successful businessman, showy home, highly intelligent, generous, has a soft side for about 5 mins, manipulative, controlling, charming, lacks empathy, lacks morals, little contact with family and friends, is an adrenalin freak, drinks and smokes pot, lacks comminication, never gives a straight answer, walks away from confrontation. Doesnt like criticism. Narcissistic. Egotistical. Thinks nothing of bribing to get what he wants. Makes promises which never materialise. Romantic holidays and a future plan never happened. I was enthusiastic at first but gradually felt more and more sad and confused. I didnt understand why. I was angry with him but addicted to him. Thoughts of him all consuming. When my ankle was in a cast and i was staying at his place, he was out. Phone rang. It was a female. Annie. She asked who was and vice versa. She told me sh’d bn in a sexual relationship with him for 15 years. He was leading a double life. Shock horror. He said he was sorry. The next day he said Annie was lying! He only met up with her once in the last year. He is a liar, deceitful and has no remorse. Though he says he made a mistake!
    I managed to escape. He made it difficult for me to go. I left things there to dupe him. I am now tormented as he sends voicemail and messages to say he loves me and thinks about me every minute. Wants me back. I am fighting my co-dependency and your has brought me to my senses. There is only one person he loves and thats himself. Thank you. I will get better physically and emotionally. Do not believe a word they say. They are good at their game x

  39. Hi postivagirl,
    I did try therapy,but found it was making me worse somehow!
    This might sound totally off the wall, but as soon as I left my ex I’ve slept fairly well and somehow have been able to block my mind of to things…it’s what got me through.
    Him dying was closure really, think I was more shocked than anything,as I never thought he’d kill himself ,but maybe he couldn’t handle the lies he’d told and the abuse he’d inflicted?!
    He died alone and he requested no one attend his funeral apparently.

    1. That is quite shocking and traumatic Lynne. My next blog that I will link to this blog is going to be about PTSD and trauma recovery. I know that this is an issue for many people. Am wondering whether some of your emotions about his suicide was placed with the death of your dog. This can be common with delayed emotional responses.

      1. Hi Positagirl,
        I think I’ve been through every stage of emotion since I left Spain in 2014,my ex stayed there,but as to the circumstances of me leaving,he was out for revenge…which I think I said before,it then progressed into hate and controlling emails.
        After the outcome of the legal battle of which I won,the only thing left to do was to return to Spain in May of 2017 to finalise house sale there,and give my lawyer POA to oversee the sale on my behalf.
        My ex then gave me an hours visit to our house🙄to oversee my belongings. This then transpired into emails with him saying he had 10 days to live! The last one was pure hatred…he never wanted to set eyes on me ever again…that was fine by me👍
        Right or wrong,after I’d played along with his numerous games since September 2014, I worded a very carefully put together email to him…the heading..My Version of Events!
        I then preceded to list more or less every lie he’d ever told me,mentioned his heinous abuse etc…basically I listed every pent up feeling I’d suppressed 😐
        I think I said before,back in 2014 I contacted his 2nd ex wife,so I found out a lot from her,and ironically her and I are now good friends,we could be sisters we’re so alike.
        So my final parting words to him were,that her and I were now good friends and he couldn’t deny anything I’d stated in my email.
        This was last July 2017, I never had a reply…says it all👍
        That email was actually my turning point Positivagirl, I felt suddenly better in offloading everything.
        What I do know is, that Sociopaths hate being found out…and a psychologist friend told me,I’d probably hurt him more than anyone else in his life,as I’d challenged him,when he expected me to back down.🤔
        I’m not vindictive,but I felt I needed to hurt him like he’d hurt me…if you can get that😐
        My wish for anyone reading this is they have the strength to move away from these toxic people…move on and be happy 😘

  40. Sociopaths are like heroin and this article expresses so clearly the high that they give and how they taper back the dose once there is addiction. I have been ‘drug free’ since November, cold-turkey, and through it all, I am forever changed, but for the better.

  41. It feels so good, in a bad way, to know that I’m not alone. Meaning it’s horrible that so many of us have been through this.

    I gave him about $30,000 because I thought he was dying of cancer and was a single dad of 2 small children. I wanted to help and feel apart of his family. But after 3 years and no change in the relationship, I cut him off from money. Then a few months later I cut him off from sex because I told him I wanted to go back to church and do things right I’m God’s eyes. Then when I was getting more involved with church, he knew he could no longer control me either. There was nothing he wanted from me or could use me for any longer. So just like an old bag of smelly trash, he threw me out as if i no longer existed.

    He was full of secrets, lies, deceit and manipulation. Things that I saw all along, even from day one. I met him through an online dating app and even before that first face to face interaction, I saw the signs. But there was something about him that drew me in. He made me feel a way no one else has. It’s absolutely indescribable.

    I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve been cheated on and called some horrible names. I’ve even been hit three times by an ex. But this is like no other experience. I feel so used, unloved, taken advantage of, manipulated and alone. And the worst part is, I still love him. And even worst than that, I’m not mad at him. Sociopathy is an incurable mental illness. You can’t be mad or hate someone because they have aids or cancer. So how can I be mad at him?

    1. Hi Christina. I don’t hate my ex either. Of all the men I have ever dated I truly loved him. There is something about them that draws you in. But always it will be for a price and the price is high. Not only financially but also other costs including your health and welfare.

      It can be tough moving on. To know that you gave so much for only lies, manipulation and deceit in return. I know I struggled with that. The person I gave the most to. Who took the most. Didn’t care too much about me .as soon as it was over he was onto the next one to use .They get worse the longer that you are with them .The lies never stop. Keep going .he did have a choice. Just because he didn’t have a conscience to feel bad .it didn’t mean he had to do what he did to you .

  42. Hello , I’m happy that this website exists and the articles describe exactly the reality , too much information that really help to know the reality and help reduce the pain ;( , I will interact with each article later ( I’m not an English talker so i need time to write messages ) I have a question , how to deal with friends and family after breakup when I’ve been manipulated all the time and the sociopath have informations that can destroy my relations , it’s better to tell them I was in a relation with sociopath and manipulated and trying to fix all the things or just don’t tell them anything and hoping the sociopath don’t continue to ruin my life .

    1. Those people who love you. Will always love you. Those people who are not true to you, can be swayed. But it is ok to lose those people. To move forward with recovery, be prepared to let go. Embrace those people who truly love you. If you let go of the wrong ones. They will come back into your life, you have your own tribe and he won’t be able to harm this long term. Ride the storm. Go no contact. Cut him off. Start healing.

      1. I totally agree,the people who always loved you,will always remain in your life. The ones who chose to believe the abuser,well they’re not worth knowing anyway!
        My 14 years with a sociopath definitely changed me when I left.
        I’m not as tolerant of people now,it’s made me more assertive I think.
        One thing it taught me,I wasn’t ever going to let my ex bring me down…an inner strength I guess.
        True friends will listen to your bizarre accounts of life with a Sociopath,..and boy was it bizarre 😞
        Moving forward is the only way to go I’m afraid.
        My heart goes out to each and every one of you ,either going through it,or have been. 😘X

    2. I’ll leave my personal opinion on this one, from the sociopath’s side. (Which may be beneficial to you in some way or another.)

      I once got angry when someone left my life… rather unexpectedly. It got to the point where I was harassing them and they basically said, “Do it one more time and I’m calling the police.” I stopped right then and there and went for a more passive-aggressive approach. I had quite a few people in their life against them making their life a veritable hell, and let me tell you this:

      Those people I got to betray them?

      They never were true friends to said person in the first place, no matter how long they had known them. They were bound to leave that person eventually, regardless of what I would do.

      Now, this was years ago, but the point still stands. If someone is going to betray you like that, they are not worth keeping. True friends stick together, and it takes something truly powerful to break that bond. It takes more than a little bad-mouthing on my part or anyone else’s part for that matter.

      The people I couldn’t get to switch to my side and story, those were their true friends who would stick with them thick and thin.

      Remember that.

  43. I think I just realized that the man that I was dating, 13 yrs older than me, is a sociopath. Started speaking back in August. He moved REALLY fast with the flattery, compliments. Within a week or two he was offering to fly me to NYC. I was like NO, but he persisted. It turned me on, his flattery and persistence. When I got there, just as charming as online. Took me to fancy dinners, cooked for me, wooed me, felt like I was living in a fantasy world. His flattery and persistence. He wanted to have sex the entire trip(5 days), I made him wait till the last day. We had sex 8 times that day, insanity. I think he liked the control he had over a young, attractive woman. Went home, kept pursuing me, saw him again a month later. Tons of sex, tons of dream like circumstances, fancy dinners, flattery flattery, flattery-staring at me constantly( now I realize he was sizing me up). Then after that trip, he started texting me less and less. He was tapering me off. I started chasing a bit to get my “high”. He tapers off more and more, so slowly I barely noticed. By the 3rd trip(3 months into our relationship), I was hooked and he acted totally great when I was there, tons of sex and charm again. But when I left he stopped contacting me alltogether. Would take days to answer texts. I wanted my high, started chasing. He kept blowing me off. Finally I told him to leave me alone and that I didn’t want to be involved bc he didn’t seem to know what he wanted. We didn’t speak for 4 months, no contact. I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM EVERYDAY BUT STAYED STRONG. I was obsessed but refused. He contacted me in May, out of the blue. I responded. HE DID NOT RESPOND. Perhaps just seeing if I would? Two months later(one week ago) he contacts me again, this time he responds. We talk on the phone for an hour. Sparks fly. Flattery. “Oh I think about you all of the time. I’ve missed your voice. I miss you so much. I’m sorry I pulled away I just got scared. Let me fly you back to NYC please. I feel like we could be together for a long time. I want to travel with you. I like you so much, you’re so beautiful and attractive and smart and funny and attractive. I’m so stupid for what I did.”. Told him about new things I have going on and he said he knew bc he had been watching my social media. Made me feel good and wanted. Pulled my heart strings. Decided to make plans for me to visit again asap. THIS FELT GREAT BECAUSE I HAD WAITED SO MANY MONTHS TO HEAR FROM HIM, THINKING OF HIM CONSTANTLY, IDEALIZING HIM. We texted one day after this phone call and now he has DISAPPEARED. Will not answer my text or return phone call. The one time I called I think he hit the ignore button because it rang two and a half times and then voicemail. 😦 I am shocked. He will not contact me and it has been one week since our “beautiful” phone call that broke my heart and made me feel like we had another chance. He’s gone again. My heart hurts. I thought I loved him. I believe he just contacted me to see if he still has me under his control and I fucking fell for it like an idiot and now he’s gone again. I feel stupid and like a fool and like laughing at how naive I was. Now I’m seeing how much he manipulated me into falling for him and then tapered off his affections. I think about him obsessively. 😦

    1. many typos there(sorry) but the main one is that I feel like an idiot and like ***HE** is laughing at how naive I was/ am. Not me. I am not laughing. I am hurt. He seems to not care that he made these promises and has now disappeared off of the face of the earth.

    2. Sorry,😐too many warning signs flashing up there….my advice drop him like a ton of bricks and walk away….for your sanity.
      I’ve read up so much on Sociopathic traits since I walked away from my controller in 2014, firstly love bombing, then the gradual control,then major control,gaslighting until you’re brain doesn’t belong to you any longer😞
      Sorry to be so harsh,but it is reality I’m afraid 😟 xx

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