Where are YOU at in your life today?

Again, apologies for closing this site for almost 2 months.

I had worried, that I would re-open, and that there would be nobody on this site or reading. Especially in the first few days. But, this wasn’t true. Within a few days there are back to thousands of you reading this site (even if thousands do not comment) and I am sure that this will grow.

It has been SO good to hear from people who I haven’t spoke to in a long time.

I was just wondering HOW ARE YOU? Where is your life right now? How are things for you? Where are you at in your period of recovery? Are you still at no contact? If so, how long? How are things going with rebuilding your life?

Thank you for being part of my own journey. One of the most special things working with homeless people for decades, was the opportunity to walk the path of peoples lives with them.

I just wondered, HOW ARE YOU? What is happening in your life? Where are you? How is life treating you?

For new readers, what brought you to this site? And… of course – Welcome!!

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83 thoughts on “Where are YOU at in your life today?”

  1. Hey, lady! I think it’s been about a year since I’ve been on this site. For me, I finally realized why I was constantly drawn to these unavailable, maniuplative men (and it took a socio to finally crack my noggin to see the light). It all boiled down to characteristics of my father (that old adage of finding guys like our dads is kinda accurate). He was, not surprisingly, inattentive, not particularly caring, etc, etc. even though there were words of love. However, even as an adult, he would, in subtle ways, make me feel like crap about myself. I realized I was trying to rewrite this script with the men in my lfe and that it was time to hit this head on and confront the source. Not surprisingly, my father was entirely unwilling even to entertain discussion on this topic, saying that HE had to live with it. My response was that I had to actually deal with sifting through the consequences (sins of the father, y’all…this is how it works). At the end of the day, I told him that he was free to make whatever choice he wanted, but I would no longer tolerate his toxicity and cut off communication.

    Now, almost immediately after that, I started dating online again, as an exercise to test my ability to maintain boundaries. I also made myself go out with guys that I wouldn’t ordinarily consider. After all, if I kept ending up with the wrong guys, then a good start would be to date a DIFFERENT kind of guy. I met this one guy and I didn’t feel that chemistry thing. You know…that chemistry thing that so often blinds us and gets us into trouble.

    We took it slow, I maintained my boundaries, stood up for myself, all those good things – things I was able to do because there wasn’t the crazy chemistry, which made it easier to be able to walk away if need be. He has PROVEN himself to be kind, trustworthy, loyal, thoughtful…all those great things. Heck, even my MOTHER approves of him, and she’s NEVER approved of any of my dating choices!

    Instant chemistry does not a relationship make. Getting to know each other, taking it slow, letting things grow at their own pace….Now, over a year later, we are still together and have discussed marriage. More importantly, we both understand what a healthy relationship looks like and are on the same page about making that happen. It’s such a wonderful feeling to not have alarms going off, to be able to be exactly who I am and to be loved for it!

    So, I think the great lesson I learned here was to understand why I was being drawn to these kinds of men in the first place – what caused my vulnerability. After that, I confronted it, and that’s changed everything. And no, I don’t feel bad about not having communication with my dad. I told him if he was ever willing to open the discussion, we could talk, but you don’t have to tolerate bad behavior from ANYONE, no matter who they are! That’s what boundaries are all about.

    Peace and love, all!

    1. Aww Barb!!!

      What a great first comment!!! As I was reading through I didn’t expect that outcome. How happy I am for you!! So you met a good one that is kind and considerate towards you. That is really good, (I am smiling from ear to ear as I type this). It sounds like this was EXACTLY what you needed. You didn’t have fear as he seemed so non threatening…. so you let go. you learned to trust. This really is a wonderful story, am so happy for you. Thank you for sharing πŸ™‚

    2. I agree with you also about boundaries, absolutely. Set boundaries and you stick to those boundaries, anyone who respects you will respect your boundaries also. Sending you a hug, and thank you for sharing your story.

    3. YAY! Finally a success story! What I’ve been waiting for all along. Positiva, I hope you will create a specific blog entry with more stories like this one. So inspiring πŸ™‚

    4. This is exactly what I needed to hear/read today. God works in mysterious ways. So happy for you Barb! Much love. xoxo ❀

  2. WHERE AM I TODAY? My life has turned from successful worker(earning very good money), mother of 3 and happy. Now I am on a Disability Pension after breast cancer and major depression. I have no self esteem, family, friends, partner or job. I live in a housing trust home and I hate living.

    1. Hey Vicki,

      Welcome to the site. I am so sorry that you are still going through the ‘down’ side of life. I understand how this feels. Once I worked in a full time professional career, that I had worked all of my life in. I owned my own home, that I had lived in for 15 years. I wasn’t rich, but financially I did ok. Then my world was blown apart, 3 psychos in a row, but it did take three of them, and a good few years to bring me right down.

      How is the breast cancer now? Do you have the all clear?

      I know it isn’t much, compared to your losses, but I can say that this is a friendly community. I take it you have seen your doctor about depression? I do hope that you have received treatment for the breast cancer and that it is in remission, so that you do have the opportunity to rebuild your life.

      Do you still see your children? What happened with your family? Can you reach out to them?

      Sending you a hug, Nikki

  3. Fortunately I am not homeless, far from it I’ve never been more financially stable, and no longer any demands to help someone financially when they have their latest “crisis”. It is good to see that you reopened the site it is a good reference source for many.

    The story about Turkey churned my guts, too many times have I had happy events sabotaged by SP, I felt for you to my core.

    I’m at 10 months plus of no contact (since Christmas 2013), he still lives in my neighbourhood but he has vanished from online forums I visit, he last tried to “bait” me in July, and he failed miserably at it, and low and behold he has not been back on that forum since. (At least not that I am aware of.)

    But, I still think of him frequently and miss him, I still check as I go past that corner to see if his vehicle is in his driveway. Part of me wishes for the day I never see that vehicle again, and part of me feels quite empty at the idea of it being really and truly over. Of course I feel crazy for feeling this way but I just accept it as natural and transient and let it flow through me.

    I wrote a while ago about going back to therapy given my ptsd type reaction to seeing him in the bakery section of our local grocery. Well I am happy to report that the therapy has truly worked well for me, I no longer have such panicked reactions and I started going for walks in my own neighbourhood again, after well over a year of not wanting to walk by myself.

    I gave myself a year to try to process all of this and truly get past it, and although I’m not 100% I am much closer than I was. I have started dating a bit too and also have started to lose weight, the “body armour” that I built up over the past winter. Upwards and onwards!

    1. Hey Blue, how good to hear from you and that you are doing so well!!! πŸ™‚ Especially with regard to reducing the PTSD panic attacks, I do recall your post when you said that you had seen him and the reaction that you had. This is indeed good news, and also with regard to how you have got your finances back on track.

      I love to hear the good news stories, and how people have rebuilt their lives. I also think it is important to others, to see that you can rebuild even when your life has been burned to the ground. Onwards and upwards indeed, thank you for sharing!! πŸ™‚

      1. Yes! It is absolutely possible to break free from unhealthy situations and rebuild. No matter how many years or how many attempts at breaking things off before.

        Self Regulation Therapy has been a major stepping stone in my recovery and I would highly recommend it to anyone suffering from similar symptoms (with a qualified therapist).

        Your new posts have been great, As usual you tend to strike at the heart of things and echo a lot of what we are going through or have gone through.

  4. Yay, you’re back! Hope you are feeling ok right now.
    I’m not doing too badly, still having the nightmares and the occasional flashback- had one today in therapy but I talked it through with my therapist. I feel right now like I’m winning over my PTSD and over him- maybe that will change tomorrow, but every day where I feel like I won is a good day. x

  5. Welcome back, I was trying to go on and thought something was wrong with my computer when I could not come on here. Although I only replied in the beginning I would read the stories. It has now been a year and 2 months and he got married. Doing much better then in the beginning but still so sad but less often. Very lonely, doing things with my friends, just joined a fitness group, kind of like cross fit but reminds me that I am not young anymore but feels good afterwards, really need to lose weight the sick thing is I want to lose weight and look cute just in case I ever run into him. I have not dated I am 49 and just feel too old to date when I thought I was all settled in with my SP before I knew what he really was . Great stories on here, so happy for Barb – that is just so much sweetness, happy story.

      1. Hi J,
        Yes it is a lonely place to be and sad but so much better then a year ago, ugh – I hope you find happiness and me too someday

  6. As long as this blog is open I will always follow it and read up. This is one of the most informative and real life experience anyone that have had a relationship with a sociopath could relate to.
    Whenever I feel down about myself and ask why it has happened to me, I come back to this forum and can find solace.
    We may never completely recover or understand why, but by sharing knowledge and experience we can prevent or succumb to further humiliation in the future.
    I love it when my email alerts me on new blog or topic. Keep it going and keep writing positiv, I will always be forever grateful finding this site.
    My breakup has make its 6 month mark. Yes sometimes I would fall down, but i would get up again and keep going with no contact. Only people here realize what how hard it is and kudos to everyone that have kept fighting and stayed no contact. It hurts, but it’s only for the best. thanks for everyone sharing their personal experience.

    Jimmy

  7. It took a very long long time to distance myself from the sociopath. I literally accepted the truth of his actions one at a time until they added up to the real picture, rather than my fantasy one.

    As I broke away from him, I communicated on a regular basis with an ex boyfriend I’ve known many years. I’d separated from him a couple times too because I didn’t appreciate how he spoke to me. But, as I talked to him this time, I realized he had really changed over the years, and he took special care with my feelings and how he addressed me. Coming from a sociopath, obviously, I was skeptical so he had to keep at it a lonnnng time for walls to come down.

    We had root-level conversations about our past interactions, and there were apologies and heartfelt discussions that helped heal old hurts–including my admissions of how I influenced our former interactions (there’s always two players in a relationship).

    He did finally ask me to be his girl, and I am, and we are still very happy. No sociopathic drama, no games, and what do you know? It is still exciting and fun. I don’t hide my thoughts or try to please him without taking care of me, and he respects that, and I love him for it.

    What I learned through this is to look inward instead of at the sociopath. They may bring things out of us, but they aren’t the real issue. We accept what they “offer” for a reason. We can stop that when we can change what needs work within ourselves.

    1. Aw Jusagurl, this is fantastic news. How good to hear from you and that you and your life is now going so well for you!!! πŸ™‚ I want to stand on a table, say BRAVO hurray!! πŸ™‚ So good to hear.

  8. What a great inspiring and uplifting post. As I’m sat here reading with the October sun shining through the window I am feeling positive and full of hope having distanced myself from the guy that caused me so much inner torment. I am now focusing my energies on achieving my goals and moving forward in my life.

  9. Hi Pos πŸ™‚
    Sooooo Glad your back πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ & pleased to hear Jusagurls report πŸ™‚
    I hope everyone comes back & says hello.
    I am good & found out my Socio has been a very busy boy for many years!!! One OW has been with him for 28 yrs (a mistress) another for 14yrs (another mistress!) me for 10yrs (not a mistress, he was separated when we met & going through property settlement) & the OW in my original story 5yrs & the others!!! So many & all at different stages in his constant cycle of abuse.
    He likes older women, a couple are old enough to be my mother!
    He takes mistresses to keep them silent (no-one cares about the mistress as they are seen as interlopers) truth is they get duped & told the same lies. He had two fiancΓ©s, he got dumped on the same day by both a couple of months ago & yes, I had a part in the discovery (accidently)….He does love the old ‘triangulation’ but, it backfired big time πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
    He has beaten & threatened these women so, I have been helping them& supporting their humiliation & shame 😦 I am well out but, what a mess he has left in his wake! They are all lovely ladies although one attacked me verbally via email but, I realised it was him & his ‘triangulation’ & she is in ‘seduction’ phase etc…oh well.
    He told one OW when she asked him why etc…his reply was. “I have always done this!” Hmmm just charming really oh & he wants to change but, last I heard he was back to the old game plan. Oh & he also said, “Please don’t hate me”…..yep, like a naughty child!

    Love & Light to all,
    PR xoxo

  10. Hello I am new to this site but I have read a lot from this blog an I am confused about a guy I dated for 4 months.The question I ask is the guy I dated is he a sociopath?
    After reading what most people were saying about their experiences with sociopaths.I can relate to them Hw the sociopath was all nice and like the perfect man the soul mate we want in the beginning.
    He was smart very interligent and charismatic.The problem I had was he had an ex partner and child who he had broke up with and got with me a week later.I built a friendship with this guy over a six month period we worked together became so close he was my best friend I always had a crush on him and there was chemistry on both sides.when he decided to tell me bout his feelings and we decided to take the friendship to relationship his ex found out 2 weeks in and went syco she was lieing to comite suicide using the child to manipulate him,the relationship wasn’t a relationship anymore,It was no longer about mine and his relationship it was bout him and the ex and the problems in there relationship.I felt as if this guy who I saw as my soulmate who made me promises as taking me on holidays,marrying me having my children in like 2 weeks of dating,was trying to have the best of both worlds in terms of the ex was his 1st love and he had been with her for 6yrs BUT because he wasn’t in control of the relationship things were not going how he wanted it,he jst moved onto me where assumed he would get better,baring in mind he has done this before with another girl 3yrs ago again because he wasn’t getting what he wants.And ex going syco on him.

    He used to protay the ex as the problem in the relationship.Hw he loved her but the relationship wasn’t te same anymore.He made out to be the victim,he was trapped in the relationship making me feel sorry for him.I could tell she was in control which he didn’t like but I also realised about him was it was all about what he wanted his needs 1st all about HAPPINESS his happiness.I tryed helping him but along the process I was the only 1 hurt.
    He has gone back to the ex because of his son to make it work for his sons sake.He says his feelings for me will always be there the question mark if things were different after all we ended things because of the ex.He also says he has these feelings for me but we can’t be together because of his son.BUT I know I love him and he just has maybe has some sort of feelings towards me am not even sure if he does,baring in mind he love the ex too.
    And has gone back to her to make things work again get married have children for the sake of there son.
    My 2nd question can u have feelings for 2 people?
    Also is he just playing me and making me belive what he wants?
    We have decided to remain friends we see each other at wrk but I feel like he only uses me because of boredem and am there when he wants me.We said we would txt each other but it’s not like Hw it was before I am the 1 who makes the effort more if I txt he may or may not reply but it is wrk that ker

    1. Hi Khal,

      Welcome to the site. In answer to your question, What makes you think he is a sociopath? Sociopaths, are very specific and can absolutely destroy everything in your life. They wouldn’t continue to be friends, if they have new source of supply, as they move on and are target specific. He could keep someone hanging on a string ‘just in case’ what you describe, does sound common for many people who split from their partner, meet someone new, decide that this isnt right for them and return to their partner.

      I haven’t seen anything that you have written, that suggests to me, that this person is particularly a sociopath? Their behaviour is very specific. Almost always they will destroy you before moving on with their life.

      1. Thank you positivagirl but am still confused about this guy he switches from being mr cool nice friends to just switching off and them being moody,not txting me and then he will be nice again if he sees me at wrk.He bottles a lot up keeps himself to himself .HE also try’s playing the sympathy act.And yes he does the whole “leaving me hanging act”.I don’t knw what to do about this situation πŸ˜”πŸ˜”
        His moving with life and am just holding on being the desparate one.
        I keep thinking one day he will come back to me,is that me being naieve??

      2. Khal ask yourself this? This person makes you feel uunhappy. Toys with your emotions. Ask your self do you really want him to come back and do this to you again? You deserve so much more. Someone who hurts you does not deserve so much time in your life. How would you advise your best friend if this was her situation? What would you advise her to do? Do you really want to wait for more pain? You deserve so much more than this!!

    2. Hi Khal,
      I relate to your story. Unfortunately, I don’t think the news will ever be good or what you’d hoped for with this guy.

      He’s really given you all the information you need to move on at this point, however difficult that is, and I know it is judging by you even being here asking these questions.

      He’s said there is someone else. With a sociopath, it may be the truth, it may not be. He may be married and someone who does this all the time. There may be several others he strings along besides you.

      I’m wondering if anything he’s said to you has been verifiable? Because sociopaths say whatever they think they can get away with that accomplishes their purposes.

      The best thing about your situation is that he actually told you the two of you were basically “finishing up”. Most sociopaths wouldn’t offer even that so, not sure whether he is or isn’t, but he is decidedly discarding you (I’m sorry).

      Whether he likes you enough to play around with you still or not is inconsequential. From here out, you know you will only get a half portion from this guy (if that). He told you you were no longer the priority. Call it “friends” or whatever, that is what’s happened.

      If you kid yourself by hoping he will change or go back to the “love bomber” he was in the beginning, the pain will all be yours because, the moment you turn to him, missing him, wanting more of him, he knows you accept his “terms”. Are you ready for half to less-than-half portions?

      There’s a reason why we “need” these type relationships. The answers are in you. But I will tell you the final result right now: you DO deserve better than him. It’s you who needs the convincing. Once you move on, you will wonder what you were ever thinking to have bought his shallow offerings.

      1. Thank you poisitvagirl and jusagurl.I understand what you both are saying,from reading what others have shared on this site,am 100% sure the guy I dated is not a sociopath but he still is the type of person who wants control and winning in other words “his way”.
        Where I am stuck is the “friends zone” can a guy and girl who have feelings for each other just remain friends?
        Yes he has gone back to his ex he says because of his son,and yes he loves her and yet at wrk am the one he comes to,is he just using me??
        I don’t want the whole half portion you say but it’s at wrk when it’s about me and him not reality but just me and him we muck about love each other’s company,we are like a couple at work his very touchy freely but I gt upset because he has a partner another life the reality and feel like he doesn’t deserve me but am toooo scared to let go because we have built this bond only at wrk.He has stopped txting me about a week now but we still together at work.I knw positivagirl u say about the whole no contact but how can I avoid someone I work with??
        Do you think I should talk to him about how I feel?

      2. I know that this must be so hurtful, after you have invested time, energy and emotion. This is also a family unit. It isn’t fair that he has brought you into this. Now returned and left you feeling the way that you do. I know that this is hurting you and working with him and having to see him every day must make that pain more acute. Are you able to let it go? You say about being ‘friends’ but really friendship isn’t what you want. What is your social network like? Do you have friends to go out with? People around you to help you move on, so that one day you can meet someone who you deserve. Someone who is just for you and doesn’t make you feel this way.

  11. Oops continuing:it is work that keeps what we have going.
    I knw he is the type of guy who is never content he wants more it’s all about him.I feel like he will come back to me is that wishful thinkin or is he the type that jst want more?
    He has hurt me but he always lures me bck in making me feel sorry for him.I still love him and want him to come back to me,is that me bringing naieve and Desparete?
    It’s only wen he sees me at workhe will make effort or that’s it he doesn’t bother.
    What should I do??

  12. Hi Pos,
    Well Oct 7th made 1 yr. No Contact annd I take it one day at a time. My son started a new job last week, so happy for him.. I have a white bulldog named Souljah he keeps me company love him so much!! As far as I go I came to the acceptance stage and he called me all of Nov & Dec 2013, texts, urgent texts, voicemails I’m happy to say I ignored it all, the Jan 2014 he showed up here had to call police he got arrested. Called me in May and I told him its over. So he sent me a Mothers day card and some letters but I never replied. 2 wks. ago he had his girl who by the way lives 10 blocks from here call private to see if I still had the same #, he gets out in Jan but I don’t feel anything about their relationship she’s in for a world of woe, he just wants to be around me, he could of found a new woman anywhere, no it has to be in my neighborhood, he’s only going to get indifference froom me, I’m very happy now and am seeing someone else. Life good Pos how is Phoenix I hope she’s ok, her sense of humor is a gift. I’ll be on the forum… Love &Peace….

    1. Hey Boopsie,

      You know he probably (almost certainly) deliberately chose someone who lived in your neighbourhood, just so that you could see what you are missing lol

      At least that is his mentality. I wonder how he persuaded his new woman to call you? And what for? …. what lies he spun her to convince her to call you? No doubt playing the victim, how you are the wicked ex who won’t allow him near you or to see his son…. and she felt she had to ‘help’….

      Pheonix is ok, she commented on this thread I think πŸ™‚

      1. I feel so free, and happy, I just wrote the ow a very sweet letter and put it under her door wishing her good luck (she’s gonna need it) and please don’t call me privately for him when he gets out in Jan my # will be changed, and when he isn’t with her he is not with me. The letter was to the point, just so she can understand how I feel. And that was it. I feel even better now… He will be upset that I’m not upset. When I see them I will show indifference.. I’m ok with their relationship, I’m definatly over the sociopath.

      2. Ha well good for you. Although you know any rresponse from you can be twisted for his own ends. … Am proud of you…. Keep on keeping on and moving on!!! πŸ™‚

      3. HAPPY SUNDAY Positiva,
        . Just came in from walking my dog its gorgeous outside today , mild winds 53 degrees. Well the heat should be going on by the 15th of this month, its nippy in the evenings and early mornings. Ok ttyl.. Peace & Love.. πŸ‘ŒπŸ˜ŒπŸ’™

      4. Hey Boopsie,

        Happy Sunday to you also!! Where in the world are you from. Getting out and walking your dog is good for your soul!! πŸ™‚ Hope you are having a good day!!

      5. Hi Boopsie πŸ™‚
        I am so pleased you are doing so well πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
        I am going great also πŸ˜‰
        Take care, you deserve to be happy always πŸ™‚

        Love & Light PR xoxo

  13. Hi Pos! So glad this website is back up and running. Funny, when I look back at my life over the last year, I realize how far I’ve come. I guess that maybe I wasn’t as traumatized as some others have been, but I just had one of the best summers of my life. I even had my tarot cards read by a lady who saw me a year ago, and just last week she said “Wow, last year you were a mess, and you’ve come so far”.

    I think the key to this recovery is treating myself with kindness. I only surround myself with people of integrity who are kind and supportive, I shy away from people who either “showboat” or seem sickly sweet/too good to be true (because they’re usually hiding something), I’ve been exercising, reading, meditating and just getting out of my shell.

    I realize that people who may have been isolated socially might have a harder time, but it can be done. Start small, Rome wasn’t built in a day. And never measure your progress in timeframes of less than a year – believe me, the progress will be incredible if you put yourself first.

    Best of luck, everyone xoxo

    1. Hey Darling, lovely to see and hear from you again, and to hear that you are doing well πŸ™‚

      It is good to see that you have come so far. I agree, the key is to treat yourself like you would your own best friend. It is important to forgive yourself, be good to yourself. You have been through enough, why punish yourself further.

      Also agree, to start small…. one day at a time, even one hour at a time, take care of the present and now, and the days will soon fall into place.

  14. Hi,
    I found your site today in my quest to arm myself with knowledge about Sociopathic exes, and I’m so very glad I did.

    I’m doing OK thank you, there are good days and bad ones. Everything is still very recent, a little background information on my story: I was recently engaged to a man who I met while holidaying on the other side of the world, he charmed me and I ended up staying with him for a lot longer than I wish I had. Let’s say he was not good to me once I’d missed my flight home (emotionally, physically and finally sexually abusive by the time I’d decided to go home).

    I have been back home for five weeks now, with no contact for one month today. My resolve is not breaking. I am piecing my life back together and treating my body, mind and soul better than I’ve ever done before in my life, on the logic that there are people out there who want to ruin me, so why should I give them the satisfaction?

    It’s a time of anxiety about what may be round the corner – the 11000 mile distance is not a boundary for this man – and of great sadness for regretfully breaking contact with our friends in common. But everyday I am learning and growing and in all honesty I’m just grateful I made it home alive and in emotional safety, back to those who love me.

    I want to wish everyone reading all the strength and perseverance in the world on their journeys. Best wishes. E xoxo

  15. I just found your site and I’m glad that you haven’t disappeared, because now is when I need it! I’ve been living with a sociopath for past year. A month ago I left but he has been living in my apartment that is under my name (with my belongings). Tomorrow I go there with security to have him removed so that I can start no contact. I am terming the lease, removing all my belongings, and he will not know where I am moving to or staying. It scares me to death. I am so afraid of him and how he will react. It feels like the scariest thing I’ve had to do. He has drugs in the apartment so he tells me that if I call the police or security that they will arrest me. This has terrified me for months. Made me feel frozen. That getting him out of my life will somehow ruin my life. Meanwhile he lives i my home with my things, happy as can be. The truth is though, these illegal items do NOT belong to me, were not brought into the apartment by me, and aren’t used by me. All I can hope is that when I call for help, the authorities will believe me. There is no turning back though. For my own mental health it has to happen. Thanks for allowing for a space for me to understand what I’ve been going through, to vent and to heal. I will have my family with me tomorrow, to stand by me through whatever happens. All I can do is believe in myself. I am strong. I can live without him controlling my life — and most importantly, I WANT to live without him.

    1. Ok first of all, call the police yourself and tell them about the drugs. Take back the power and he can no longer hold this over you. I will admit that the escaping part is the most difficult and often dangerous. You are aware of this yourself. Please do this call the police yourself. As I am sure he will enjoy threatening you and keeping you in fear this is how he keeps control, the drugs are not yours so speak to police he is threatening you, you want him out and he has drugs at he apartment he is trying to pin you for. Explain you are frightened of him. Be strong this is the hardest part it does get easier and safer.

  16. I have been looking for your site and it is here I discovered that i am in the cycle for 7 years already. I am still in the process of recovery and still living with him. Looking for ways to deal. I appreciate you opening this site again. πŸ™‚

    1. Hi jade. Welcome to the site!! This site is for everyone no matter where you are at. Seven years is a long time. You should know that crazy will tend to escalate if he didn’t want you to leave. I hope you get support here. Do you have any children together? Or any other ties?

  17. Hello it was very good to see this site was back again…in that time i had a lot of healing i,ve done therapy still one month to go and made a lot of progress and i understand much more now of the roots where it all came from why i was so vulnerable for meeting and falling in love with a sociopath..i haven,t seen him since last february since than i still sent him text with what i had to get off my chest the why did you do that and how could you do that and explaining how he made me feel etc…. i stopped doing that since 2 months now …the process took quite long but well i,m getting there and i feel sooooo much stronger and i,ve found so much more peace in me again like i am growing wings at this moment πŸ™‚ this is where i am now and it is realy good to read what everyone recieved untill now ..strengt and love

      1. Thank you so much for this compliment πŸ™‚ its touching mt heart and i am still thankfull for the help and support i got from this site how i discoverd that i was with a sociopath and how i got into it.and am very happy this site is back aspecially for the people who are searching for help and understanding .

  18. I very much missed this site and am so glad it is back up. The support is much needed. And you needn’t apologize. Everybody is entitled to a vacation, you are not responsible for controlling the damage that sociopaths cause to other people and this world. However, your help, advice and time you spend has been much appreciated and has most definitely made a difference in my life. You certainly have offered comfort when everybody else thought I was the crazy one!

  19. I’m still happily in my relationship; in fact, we’re going better than ever.
    We’ve taken a liking to going on road trips away from everyone else, so we can relax for a few days.
    He hardly has bipolar outbursts anymore, which means I don’t go into sadistic bitch mode. Yay.
    I’ve cut off contact with the family, and am much better off without them. They were toxic, to say the least.
    About to get another pet ;3 fun times.

    And I’ve come to the refreshing realisation that I can’t change the stupidity in people’s mind, that there needs to be idiocy for there to be intelligence. I still enjoy a good debate with people, however I find it much easier to just laugh and wave au revoir. I hardly go into a rage anymore, and when I do I’ve learned how to get myself out of the situation before ruining things that really wouldn’t benefit me in anyway if destroyed.

    All in all, I’m going fantastic, aside from the pain of getting a wisdom tooth removed, and the giant yellow/green bruise on my face that looks like I’ve drooled highlighter ink.
    Thanks for asking ;3

    1. Glad you are doing well lyss this is good news. Bipolar and sociopath. That is an interesting combination as I bet you bring sunshine to the bipolars rainy days. Are always there in your own capacity. And provide a distraction to their own issues.

  20. Glad you are back! I found your site while trying to sort out an apparently sociopathic relationship, and have found your info and warm, encouraging posts to be very helpful and valuable sources of info and validation for many. Keep up the good work!

  21. Im so stuck in between contact / building strength and cutting contact / contact and repeat he is loving seeing me struggle and smirks and says “you’ll be back” when I do shut it off time after time. I thought I hated being cut loose and feeling so lost when he wouldn’t talk to me but this is worse .. he turns up at my house saying he will get better and wants to marry me and in the same breath he is telling me about the scores of other women he is sleeping with ??? he breaks every part of my soul and I find my self begging him to stop and leave me alone .. but why would he

  22. I’m so glad to see you back! Your site saved my life 1 1/2 years ago when I thought I was going to die. I didn’t know how, but knew I would. 2 years ago I put the truck in 2nd gear and drove along the canyon switchbacks, to the emergency room, thinking I was surely having a stroke. Doctor said it was classic stress and should seek counseling to rectify the situation. Husband was an alcoholic but found much more serious than that, thanks to you. Thought I could deal with stress, but the lies and attacks 6 months later was rendering me so very distraught I finally sought that counseling. The counselor said he sounded like he had anti-social characteristics. I didn’t understand that because it sounded like a psychopathic killer. My research brought me to you. This site validated me, what I was going through, and I wasn’t alone, and….not crazy! The No Contact was so instrumental in getting my divorce. He tried, but from this site I realized he could draw me back into his game of acting nice, then taking anything I might say and use it against me. What a miracle to use your advice! I am divorced as of last December. Had a panic attack with my sister trying to control me. Have found these panic attacks now don’t have to be directly related to him, but to control. Prayer helped that one after 2 months. Then a serious one happened with a realtor trying to control. You were gone but found a site on Battered Woman’s Syndrome that helped me recognize my fear of saying No, probably from my first marriage, where I was both mentally and physically abused, and maybe has fostered this pattern since. Had another brief one when a nice man called me but think I’m starting to realize that I’m in control and don’t have to do anything anyone else wants. Much to recover from but so much better than a year ago. I can actually see beauty in the world now! Thank You So Much for giving my life back and a place to relate to as we all strive to recover. Much Love! Thank You!

    1. Thank you to you also. How good to hear from you and that you are going from strength to strength. Sometimes it only needs one thing to awaken us…. Then we can continue with the rebuild ourselves.

      Really pleased to hear from you and that you are doing so well πŸ™‚

      1. Hey guys, feeling sore and under the weather today. I have a neck and back ache and my knee hurts too. If it ain’t one thing its another.. PR, changed ur handle I like it….

      2. Aww Boops sorry to hear your ‘a bit off’ today 😦
        Yes I changed my avatar πŸ™‚ A-WAR-B4 hahaha so, many battles, so little time!
        Anyway I am glad your okay aside from your aches & pains. It is your body’s way of telling you something so, listen.
        Back means support or lack thereof, neck is inflexibility & need to stretch out etc…knees are for moving & bending which translates as the need to move ahead. Keep doing what your doing, eat well, sleep well & think well & be well πŸ™‚

        Love PR xoxo

  23. I’m so glad that you are back, stronger and wiser…
    My journey for the last 15 months was at first difficult and full of tears and deception…but then at last I was able to rencounter myself. I have not seen him on 15 months. He tries to get back on all the ways that were possible but what I saw before as “his love for me” now Im able to see for what really is “he need something from me”. Our last contact was two months ago, he said “I want to see you, I need you” I said to him that “I don’t have anything more to give” and magically the “I love you” from my Pinnochio turned again to a new scene of “let me count the ways I hate you” I just hang up and continue to live my life on the best way I can. Now I’m in a better place. For the last year I didn’t have another asthma attack (a sickness I developed when Pinnochio shows his real nature) I’m on my way to regain control of my finances. I had a big job promotion and the relationship with my family is stronger than ever. Romantically I’m alone and happy doing what I love with the people I love and love me back. I’m not sure if I will be able to open my heart and my soul to another person, but I’m clear thay I will never allow again that someone hurts me in the name of “love”.
    Blessings Positiva, to you and all the persons who are on the journey of love without abuse

    1. Hi NMI πŸ™‚
      So happy for you & I am the same πŸ™‚
      At least now we are aware πŸ™‚
      I found others that are or were trapped by my Socio so, I am glad I found them & am free of his games & BS! Oh what a life he leads & will continue to lead unfortunately. You cannot do anything about these people as exposure only drives them further underground or against you so, best to cut the ties & stay NC for ever. He will try & keep contact but, the further your self love grows the stronger you become.

      Keep loving you, your worth it πŸ™‚
      PR xoxo

    2. Good to hear from you nomoreinsanity and how you are doing. It sounds like you have come a long way!! No more asthma attacks. Brilliant. They absolutely affect your physical health as well as mental health. So nice to hear from you and how you are doing well πŸ™‚

  24. Thanks positivagirl for mentioning you went through three psychos in a row. I thought I was the only one “fool” enough to do that! I’m almost two months out of the last one now. And I even took a year off from dating before I met him.

    He was a “sweet” older man who asked me out in Target of all places (I know, isn’t it ironic?) and we dated for just shy of a year…until I found out that he had already been back together with his ex-wife for over a year when he asked me out. We both thought we were the only one in his life. She lives just a block away from me. I guess that made it pretty convenient for him to hop from one of us over to the other. Ah, good times. I didn’t take a lot of pictures, but thanks to the PTSD I get to relive all of those precious moments in technicolor flashbacks.

    It is getting better though, very slowly. Occasional rays of sunlight, punctuated by moments of rage, shock and horror. But I know that the only thing that could make it worse would be taking him back and having to go through this all again. Which is exactly what the ex-wife has decided to do. I don’t envy her or what she has to look forward to with him. I’m sure he is cheating on her again already in one form or another.

    The first post by Barb was very encouraging. I’d like to think I’ve had my butt handed to me for the last time and look forward to exercising some healthy boundaries and self-respect the next time around, as soon as I am sane enough to put myself back out there again. Lesson learned? I sure as heck hope so this time! Glad I found this site!!

    1. Boopsiekisses, I will not spoil the movie. All I can say is that it is interesting the relationship between a sociopath and someone who is “addicted” to the sociopath. The book is really good. …

      1. Hi everyone
        I read the book my regular doctor recommended it and I thought it was great! Is the movie the same? Often times the change the plot when they make the movie.
        Regards to all
        Maria

      2. You should all watch Girl Interrupted! It follows a girl with BPD but has a sociopath in it. I was told to watch it from my psychology lecturer, and it’s actually quite accurate! It’s also a really good movie in general haha πŸ™‚

  25. Pos, I am so glad that you are back and doing well. I must admit, When I first read that you were back with your EX , I was a little surprised. But then I thought, until the day comes that we can walk in someone else’s shoes or they can walk in ours , it is not for us to judge. Look at me, Even after 2 1/2 years, I have days where I long to be back with the Man that I fell so deeply in love with . A man that lied about every single aspect of his life. A man that manipulated me with charm and empty words and promises. A true wolf in sheep’s clothing who virtually destroyed my life and left me traumatized.

    Pos, I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t stumbled on this forum a year or so back. I never even knew what a sociopath was! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being you ~ you are a kind soul and an amazingly gifted communicator!

    I wish you all the best. I am so very grateful for this forum ~ bless you!

    1. I am divorced for 9 months. I can honestly say I am addicted to him. It is mind control. How can you explain that you want to be with a man that is so evil and unfeeling. He said everything I ever wanted to hear and when he touched me-sparks. But he cheated and cheated and lied and manipulates. Does not talk to any of his 4 kids or grandkids. Shall I say no more. UGH. God is my answer. I am also working thru the father thing- wow does it hurt. Beth Moores bible study Believing God is amazing and I have just started to trust God. I am starting to feel alive again. This is after going to church for the whole time I was with the monster.20 years. Pray and ask for God to heal you-he wants you out of this pit. πŸ™‚

      1. 8 months since breakup…5 months since learning of the affairs…4 months no contact..been tough but fog is lifting…the lack of empathy was the killer..she left the cheater a month after breakup and went straight onto an acquaintance of ours posting happy pics on public social media while I was still devastated from her confessions which I had to trick her into giving up..
        Working on myself no ..no contact for last 4 months and im confident it will stay that way as she has changed her contact detailsbut I do fear running into her and him as we live in same city and frequent same areas but I cant put my life on hold will just have to ignore them if I see them ..

  26. Its almost a year since i asked him to leave and never come back…. he came back. made more promises and more lies and more deceit followed. its been since february that we have been together. i would not let him back in…. it took months of on and off again contact. Now he has gone silent. he has moved on. back with his wife. has probably got a new lover. I feel discarded used and abused. yet i still feel this overwhelming love for him. I cry most nights. Its been a long long time and i am alone. i live in solitude. I still want him back. I have not moved on. i want to though. i pray that this burden gets lifted from me.

    1. @41andreborn,
      It’s not love, to be love it have to be reciprocated and the sociopaths are incapable of reciprocating love. Stay strong, take control of yourself and stop making an image of him that is not truth. His wife, his new lover are the next on line for the same conduct so see them with compassion, not envy. I assure you that even if you feel that you lose a part of you, you will be able to life a better live without this part of you that he took away.

  27. @Dot and 41 andrebirn
    As I recommend before read the book, “Why he does that ? Inside the mind of angry and controlling man” by Lundy Bancroft. Not every abuser is a sociopath, but every sociopath is an abuser.

  28. I’m older than most on this board, I’m happily single, & glad of it!
    ‘Rather be happy 98% of the time, & lonely only 2% than have it the other way around.
    ‘The Grinch’ ruined another woman’s Christmas this year, just as he ruined a former GF’s last year. I guess a Xmas dust-up just spreads the misery & drama? I think this one may have kids, which is too bad.

    My family & I had a nice quiet happy Christmas. I never want anyone to disrupt our happy lives. He has done his best over about 19 months to mess me up. It didn’t work.
    I hope he finally got the message..my Middle finger held High. when he drove past me, flashing his headlights. I don’t want this man in my life in any capacity.

      1. The back side of this is I’m pretty sure that I’m done with people in general, not just men. No interest any more with people outside of my family.
        I’ve got the CRrrrrazy Christian neighbour asking me about stuff –
        stuff that I wasn’t there to witness. Nothing really ever happened with this man. Never ever dated him or saw him outside of his work place.

        He went Very loudly ape-sh*t over the break up with another woman @ his parent’s house near here. I really don’t know much about it, & I strongly resent this neighbour woman fishing for details. (Esp. since I was once told in a very snotty manner by her husband that, “We do not gossip!”, when I was telling her something totally unrelated that had happened to me, also that was totally unrelated to this person.)

        I keep getting B.D. cards & religious Xmas cards from her/them. I am not Christian to start with, & I do not welcome things from a gossiping phony .I’ve caught both her & her hubby gawking in my windows on a few occasions, & I assume it relates to my Big None-relationship, or other church prattle. ‘Nothing to see here!
        Having that jerk yelling insults, or sometimes just yelling when he goes past my house & I guess his large family is yacking too..? It must be stirring the pot. He even got his grandma making a scene on Thanksgiving weekend in front of our house. Why?! The eternal victim strikes again. 😦

        All things must pass, I guess, & so will this if he stops acting like a very loud spoiled brat. He’s sicked a couple of ex G.F.s on me. He had 2 of his brothers ( + 1 guy who may or may not be related to him) hit on me in the past. I also think he ran his mouth @ work & I ended up with a few of his co-workers trying their luck. YUCK! JUST YUCK!!

        I’ve gotten to the point that men actually make me literally sick to my stomach. I think it’s one thing to decide that you don’t want to be involved with people or relationships of any kind, but it’s another to feel like you have been trained (almost a reverse of Pavlov’s dogs) to fear them.
        It’s been a very difficult decade for us. Sudden loss of a spouse for me after a long & happy marriage, & loss of a father @ age 15 for my daughter. They were very close, & she had a breakdown after his death. I was 100%, 24/7 in charge of my elderly parent with both increasing mental & physical disabilities without any help except my daughter. I feel like both of us have PTSD, & under the current circumstances, it’s not getting better for either of us.

  29. Hi everyone, nice to find this board and read all the info and everyone’s stories, this all helps us in our isolation and heartbreak.
    I spent 4 years off and on with my Sociopath, (he is actually diagnosed by Mental Health/Police but I didn’t find this out until towards the last year with him).
    First 2 years he lived at mine (I took him in, 2 yrs jobless and ‘seemingly’ homeless) and I experienced the whole range of abuses. It was horrific at times and very dangerous. After 2 years, when his violence was also shifting onto my family (older children living with me and one of their partners), I said that was enough and he could no longer stay there. Socio flew off in one of his rages, back to his elderly parents, (he liked to call himself homeless but he wasn’t really). He vowed never to see me again.
    By 2 weeks he was back on the phone, love bombing and promising he would get help, (he had done that since I first met him at his own admittance). He wanted me to do the Long Distance thing, travelling up there to stay overnight in his room (outside), at his parents.
    I did this for 16 months.
    At first he was doing OK there, but as time went on, the same extreme dysfunction that had been there his whole life, started to take its toll on them all. Sociopath believed his parents were persecuting him or plotting against him and called them Nazi’s and other such nastiness.
    He began to treat them like he had been treating me the whole time.
    They had to use both Mental Health and the Police for help too, but ultimately none of these agencies did anything to help.
    About March 2013, his parents decided to put their house on the market, and find something smaller/easier to maintain. They had no desire to continue providing son Sociopath with free accommodation etc, so the Mother warned him that he would have to find alternative arrangements for living quarters. Sociopath did nothing and continued to wreak havoc everywhere he went, (stealing too).
    In September the parents were all finished at the old property, and moved to their new home without son Sociopath.
    He was forced to sleep in his car by the beach again, (which he alternated doing after one of his conflict dramas anyway), or try and secure a new target, of which I am certain he was doing the whole time he was with me.
    In March this year, after causing much trouble with my family from returning to my place again out of the blue, and being allowed back, (but we secretly got CCTV) he had been back to his usual tricks again very quickly. I hid some of his nonsense from my family, but again he tried instigating fights with them physically too, so we were all ‘over’ him and his constant drama. When I said No more in March, he had just tried to run me over, along with a member of the public I was chatting to at the time. After he drove off (this was at my workplace) he had just smashed his own windscreen with his fist, and screaming foul abuse at me, humiliating me again. I went NC, and he tried contacting me in May, June and August, but I didn’t stay in touch, and just went back to NC. I believe his contact attempts were between times when he had secured new supply and victims, (female of course), or possibly had them too.
    The day before Christmas, he managed to get one more stab to my heart in, by making sure that his Sister In- law came up to me at work and told me that he now had a good job, (7 years unemployment) and a new woman. Apparently his new woman is a Psychiatrist, and keeps him in line, and he lives and works on a Farm-stay 2 hours South from me.
    I am sad about this, but still moving on, and trying to live better and not dwell or pine about him. It was just a fantasy after all, and wasn’t real.

  30. Hi, i’ve been missing because I was becoming a bit obsessed with sociopaths. But was wondering how you things were going on the site. I love the new look. I am in a great healthy happy place in my life. I stopped counting the number of days of no contact — there is no contact period. Felt good that I recognized that my friend was dating a sociopath, even though she didn’t want to hear it. I’m happy and I hope that all that travel to your site find the peace and happiness they need to heal. 4cg

  31. Hi, am so pleased to have found this site. I, like may others, had no idea about what a sociopath even was… And even less about being involved in a relationship with one. I cut all contact last week with the man I had a brief but very passionate relationship with. The whole thing ahd left me confused, distressed, depressed, questioning my sanity and totally humiliated. The alst straw was me findng out on facebook that he’d found himself another source. I had just thought that he must be very cruel to treat me that way, but once I’d read about the ‘red flags’ and behaviour markers of sociopaths it all suddenly made (very upsetting) sense. I am convinced he is one. Relationship started as a whirlwind – contact/communication all day, every day. Passionate declarartions of love – mke being described as ‘perfect in every way’, etc. Loads of chemistry and attraction – like nothing i’ve ever experienced. I became addicted to him very quickly. But very soon also, the lies… Regular lying to explain why he’d not turned up, where he supposedly was, etc. And i chose to ignore them!!! How idiotic! Then the breaking of contact for days/ weeks with no reason stated. Constant tales from him about how various women were always after him for sex (but how he obvioulsy turned them down… yeah, sure) Constant contradictions in things he said about everything. Malicious ‘jokes’. Constant blaming of everyone else for any faliings and slating of others involved in the sport he competes in. Refuting of any questions/ challenges about him seeing others. Telling me to ‘ease off’ and stop being paranoid and ‘crazy’. All the while telling me he would help me/ mentor me in the sport I wanted to compete in – knowing full well it is a passion of mine. It is over now, and i am managing. I suppose i am lucky in that the ‘relationship’ was comparatively short, and he lives over an hour away so it was long distance and so i never saw him that regularly. Still the damage has been done – I no longer trust myself, still feel so humiliated and keep thinking about the ‘new woman’ and how happy they must be together. So angry at myself for a) stupidly falling for this evil man, and b) still wanting him!!! My involvement in the dog sport that was my escape and passion has now been tainted as well which makes things hard. But I hope things will ease over time, and just hope the tome passes quickly. To everyone else who is and has suffered at the hands of one of these cruel people – I wish you strength and resilience. Michelle. ps. Sorry this is so long.

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