Once you have escaped the madness that is being in the relationship with the sociopath, you might look back with rose coloured glasses, at the ‘love’ you miss. ‘
While, ‘love’ might how the sociopath has described it to you. Let me tell you it isn’t love.
Love isn’t ownership
Love isn’t possession
Love isn’t control
Love isn’t deceptive
You might look back on the relationship and remember the ‘good times’ the ‘fun times’, how that person was there for you more than anyone else ever had been.
Remember, this is not the reality. It isn’t that the sociopath was there for you more than anyone else, or even that they loved you more than anyone else.
The truth is that the sociopath:
MONITORED YOU MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE
It isn’t that you were LOVED MORE
You were MONITORED MORE
There is a difference.
Monitoring and keeping tabs, is what the sociopath does best. Once they have a partner that they want to KEEP, they seduce that person and once captured will keep them hostage. In the sociopaths mind, this is love.
Sociopaths will take ownership, possession and control of a person. To me, this isn’t love.
Loving someone is to love that person for who they are. Sociopaths cannot resist the desire to mould others, and shape them into a person that they want. They do all they can to keep their partner contained, monitored and under control. There is no real loving a person for who they are. Instead they mould their partner into who they want them to be.
There can be no personal growth being with a sociopath
Sociopaths cannot tolerate their victims trying to escape. They are jealous of their partners success and will do all that they can to sabotage their partners success. This allows them to keep control. in the sociopaths mind, once they have taken possession over you, you are theirs to keep.
They believe that you belong to them, and only them, and woe betide anyone who tries to trample on what they perceive as THEIR sentimental property.
This often creates confusion for victims who can sometimes miss the attention received from the sociopath. Not realising that this attention was simply being placed not on a pedestal as they would suggest, but rather under a microscope, constantly monitoring your every move to minimise the chance that you will escape from them.
Sociopaths ‘love’ in their own way
It can be confusing when leaving the relationship with the sociopath. Yes you can remember so many good times. Yes you can remember the person that was ALWAYS THERE. They are not always there because they loved you more than anyone else has. They are always there, because they are always monitoring you.
These are the lyrics by Sting – Every breath you take. It was written after he split with his wife. The sociopath in my life said that this should be the sociopath love song. He had been drinking that day, or I am sure he wouldn’t have told me. But it was a good indicator of how they really think – how they really see their partner, who is really just somebody that they own, and to keep control they MONITOR…. they do not like their own sentimental property to escape
“Every Breath You Take”
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching youEvery single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I’ll be watching you
O can’t you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches with every step you take
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I’ll be watching you
Since you’ve gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but it’s you I can’t replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I’ll be watching you
What am I really missing?
Being monitored is NOT being loved!!!
If you miss the love that you had with the sociopath, try to swap that word from ‘love’ to ‘monitored’ …. think about it! this is exactly what they were doing, simply monitoring you. So that you wouldn’t escape.
They weren’t spending all of their time with you, because they were ‘in love’ like perhaps you were, they were spending all of their time with you to ensure that you didn’t escape and to keep control.
If you hear from them after you have split no this doesn’t mean that they ‘love you’ it is more that they want to know what you are doing, and especially they want to know that nobody else has managed to ‘capture’ you.
Sociopaths see relationships differently than non sociopaths. They give the persona that it is the same, but it isn’t the same.
You can try all you like to apply your own reason and logic to why this happen, but the truth is, that there is no reason and logic, it is the way that their brain operates and works.
The truth is
- They see their partners as objects to keep
- They do not love people they own people
- They do not spend time with you because they are ‘in love’ they spend time with you to monitor you
- It isn’t interest in you and your life, Its a form of domination, ownership and control
No – it never gets better. It will always be that way, its the way that their brain works, and the way that they think. When you are with a sociopath… you are… quite literally ‘hijacked’… in every way.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2014
Dating a Sociopath 
I cannot thank you enough for this post… and I am so relieved that this site has reopened. This site has been a lifeline for me in the last couple of years, and although I would like to say that I am finally free of sociopathic love, I am not, sadly. What is written above has reflected my ‘loving’ relationship with my partner since the beginning, and yes, admittedly, I was sometimes blind to the real truth. I have had my email hacked, my Facebook hacked (and subsequently closed), my Skype… everything. In return I was ‘gracefully’ given his passwords, which I didn’t want at all! That is such an invasion of privacy, and yet, at the time, I thought that it was complete openness on his part. How wrong was I! The relationship ended last May, 5 months ago, days after I miscarried our child. Yet, notwithstanding the split, which was so painful that I am unable to place into words, he keeps in touch… periodically. It is like a wave – sometimes he is not in touch for days on end, and other days he can’t seem to contact me enough! I have tried NC, but I admit that I am not sure I am strong enough to keep it. So far I have failed. The element of control and monitoring has always been very evident, and yes, I may have mistaken it for love at times. Even now, we are not together, he looks up my house on live maps to see whether any other cars that are not mine are parked in my driveway! I honestly cannot understand this behaviour! In my mind, if you love someone and want them back, you’d do anything to be good to them, and not treat them like garbage. There is one fundamental issue – I love him. I don’t know why, but I do. I know that I have not been treated well… I know he is deceptive (I have caught him out in endless lies) and yes, the more I have read about sociopaths, the more I am convinced that he is a prime time sopciopath (although I am not sure he knows it himself). I keep receiving promises that never materialise, words which do not translate into actions and yet, when we talk, he always manages to portray himself as the victim! I am intelligent enough to see through this… I just wish I could stop loving him. This site is a real blessing for me. Each day it makes me stronger as I realise even more that I need to break free of this manipulation and control – which is exactly what it is! I am going away for work reasons for almost 2 months, and it is driving him crazy, although he is far away himself (it is his job). Following each period of ‘silence’ he returns to me, telling me how much he loves me, how he cannot bear to even look at other women (I know this is not true) – how he misses me, etc… … I feel that I am really stuck. I want to move on – I really do. I feel I do not have the strength to let go. Thank you for all your support that you are providing through this site. Seriously.
Much love and hugs
Sandy
You know he gave you his passwords, to build a false sense of security? They do this, he would know that you wouldn’t go snooping around his personal information, as this is an invasion and violation of someone elses personal space. We know this, but sociopaths don’t care about this.
Do you think that this is love, or do you think that he creates dependency and addiction to him, by constantly being ‘there’ in your life, you never have a chance to heal from him, or to find you again. You just do not have that chance in life.
It is really good that you are going away for work reasons for two months he will HATE that, be warned that he might try to cause trouble to prevent you from going as he will really see you as HIS…. and belonging to him. So dont tell him (if you haven’t already) where you are going, don’t give him details, even if he is being friendly, he will feign being friendly to get information from you.
Maybe right now, is not the right time to do no contact fully, if you are due to move away for work soon…. try to wean off of him, and see the moving away as the clean break, whilst away be disciplined with yourself, see it as an addiction – and tell yourself, just for this hour – no contact, just for this day no contact, just for this week, no contact. take it little by little, day by day.
he will hate it… and I can guarantee that he will accuse you of being with another man and that is why you are not talking to him. Don’t you dare break no contact to PROVE to him that there is no other man ect, as this will be the kind of manipulation technique that he pulls.
One in my life, who understands about sociopathic behaviour (and still cannot manage the behaviour) – would often say ‘I want to keep you’…. this is really how they see it. You owe him nothing, but you owe yourself everything.
Thank you for your kind words, I am equally as happy that you are a reader to this site.
Thank you Positivagirl. As always, your words of wisdom are extremely valid. The support I receive from you and others on this site keeps me afloat… and helps me to see reason, even when reason does not prevail. Thanks again. Hugs. Sandy
Hugs back to you Sandy, you are worth so much more than he could ever offer you 🙂
Dear Positivagirl…. you’ve no idea how right you were. Since I have been away for work reasons, the jealousy has been incredible, especially since we are 8 hours apart! However, I must add a recent development… which has troubled me and confused me to no end, I admit. I have found out from various sources that he is now moving full time to my home town. He has managed to get a job posting there and in his eyes, he is coming ‘home’. In the last couple of weeks, since the announcement was made public, he has been doing everything to be nice to me, everything. I am very apprehensive of having him move to where I am living, permanently. Of course, I am not showing this fear to him. However, a couple of days ago, he was drunk, called me and decided to accuse me of ‘sleeping around’ whilst I am away for work reasons, knowing full well that this is not the case (he knows I love him, this is the problem). A few minutes after this jealous rage he sent me a message, saying that he has asked for a rescinding of his new work post, and that he is not coming home after all … he will come home ‘when I want to’ (quoting him!) I know he was drunk and he can say silly things when he gets drunk, but I have now not hear from him since. He has gone ‘off the air’ and yes, I am being honest, I am completely confused. The one big problem, which I see clearly, is that I love him and deep down I would love for things to work out between us. Despite the massive pain he has put me through in the last couple of years, I honestly thought he had turned a corner, seeing that he is moving to my home town. He has been saying all the right things, doing all the right things and yes, displaying jealousy (which I hate!) I am now back to square one. I am feeling so very low and yes, very alone. In a way I am glad he is not making contact, but I admit, albeit seemingly stupidly, I miss him. I had begun to look deep within me, to ask myself whether I was able to let the past go and perhaps start anew, and now he has just ‘run away’ again. I am checking to see whether he has really requested a rescinding of his work appointment, but I seriously doubt it, since he would not do such a thing. He has been awarded an excellent job, and he would not turn it down as it would not do anything for his career to do so. Once again, thank you for your support…
Big hug
Sandy
The Sociopath in my life tried to make me feel bad about myself as well around the end of our so called friend ship. You know, I cant believe all the horrible things he said. I cant explain why, I tuck it. I looked the other way just thinking he really didn’t mean it or having a bad day. I found out he broke into my bank account, my face book and taking my friends. I ended my account. I am scared to have another account because of him.
Dav, you are so right. I feel exactly the same way. The only sad issue is that I somehow cannot bring myself to do NC. I honestly cannot understand why… I am a logical person who thinks with my head usually, but somehow I am addicted to him and I hate myself for it. He has me feeling ‘high’ and ‘low’ constantly… and I don’t know what to do to break free. I am so scared.
Hi Sandy, Pos, PR, everyone. i know what its like, sorry you’re going thru this & i struggle to do no contact too. My spath broke up with me for the umpteenth time today, as i going to an event without him & he said i want to lead my single life. So he breaks up with me as i’m going to a singing coaching session on 30 oct with a married couple, who dislike him. As they dont like him, thats made it even worse. They sensed a dark spirit about him, even though hes strong born again christian & quotes scripture all the time. I keep getting drawn back to him as i get lonely & think of good times even though his possessiveness, jealousy, ownership of me, arguments outweighed the good. Bad times seem to happen every 2 days with us. He wont accept part time rship or just friends, so i could have more space but still have him in my life. He wants all or nothing, is that so he can always monitor me? my doings in life? Hes obsessive about end times, conspiracy theories, is a financial prepper. So i hear much about that, it clouds, fogs my thinking, living with him, & his skewed obsessive perceptions about life, Religion etc. We been on & off for 2 1/2 yrs now. My parents are getting sick of it, they live interstate. I in danger of losing the married couple as friends, they may have twigged that him & i reconciled recently. My close friend got us back together but is washing her hands of me now & hardly texts me & ignores any comments about him or if i suggest catching up with her. She wanted us back together, she heard his version of our rship, & is distant to me ever since.
Blessings, light, love & strength to u all. I doing no contact again, I need strength to resist my lonliness, i may have OCD, a colleague thinks, as i end up going back to him, one of us breaks no contact rule. I need therapy, help in addressing the addiction, compulsion to return to him. I get sad that i seem to attract unhealthy men/relationships in my life. love & light. I hope u feel better soon Sandy, hugs xo
I used to be known as Dragonfly but this site only uses my email address. So Pigletta is actually Dragonfly who used to post here quite regularly. Blessings, love to all
Thank you. Unfortunately I am nowhere near better… but only worse, if it is possible. The support from this site keeps me going. I know what you mean when you say you’re being drawn back to him. It is the precise issue I deal with all the time. I know that I love him. It is so hard.
Love and light. Hugs,
Sandy
This post says it all in a nutshell. The bottom line. Pos I like when you wrote how we were not put on a pedestal but under a microscope. HA! Accurate!
I used to really believe all that attention was love, of course because I really loved him. He wanted to be together a lot…too much actually. Its as if I were a hostage, especially mentally. I truly believe once this particular post sets into the minds of survivors, THEN they will move forward. There never was a loving relationship. Not for one second. It was and always will be like a “hostage situation”. They just disguise it with a smile.
Isn’t it true. It can mirror what we perceive to be as love. When we fall in love, we naturally want to spend a lot of our time with someone as we miss them when not with them. For sociopaths though it is about monitoring you – every part of you they monitor, and keep under a microscope. If you try to have any independence, this is viewed with suspicion, as they think that you think like they do.
Yes, it is indeed like being a hostage, or a prisoner and they are the prison warden. Have felt that way numerous times.
once you finally admit these people exist and escape one of them and see the reality then you are able to see them a mile away. the same games are always being played on 2 or 3 people at a time. they use repeat patterns on people.
Sometimes ncbookz, some are faithful, but the patterns do always repeat. Some are faithful if they find someone that they want to ‘keep’ but the lies and the deception can still be the same.
I am kind of confused. Can my on and off BF be a socio, reading the post here he has all the signs…
We have been together for 5 yrs,on and off, I am so drained with the game playing, mind games, he is very secretive yet he knows everything about me, he rarely talks and I’m the one who makes all the conversations and tell him all about me and what’s going on in my life. He just sits back and observe everything, he doesn’t trust me, yet I never give him reason not to. I’m a very open person.
Every time we have an argument he would run to his mums house, stays there and gives me the silent treatment for months.
He accuses me of lying which is not true, he accuses me of all sorts, he turns the table on me on everything he does, we can never resolve conflicts, he closes up and refuse to discuss any concerns i have. Yet he is always telling me how much he loves me and in front of people he will charm everyone, holds my hand, hugs and kisses me, he looks like the perfect guy, all my friends think he is so nice…
The problem I have with him is he’s secretive, lies a lot yet accuses me of lying, if I want to know something about him I have to ask one of his workmate, I feel really left out in the relationship, he accuses me of using him which are all lies.
He plays the victim so well and he also accuses me do being dramatic and to have a mental imbalance, yet I am running a great business
If he does something for me he expects to be praised and to be the centre of attention, but everything that I do he just thinks I a oblige to do so for him…
We have broken up 4 months ago, he’s staying at his mums and I’m at my house, he is kind of jealous cause I am doing,really well in my business. He refuses to support me in anything that I do, fee when I’m ill I cannot rely on his support.
We are both in our forties and have both been married before.
I have tried so much to explain to him how I feel, he just doesn’t care…I’ve come to a point were I’m totally drained, for the past few weeks we have been trying again, I make so much effort yet he does things to just upset me and he refuses to acknowledge anything. He makes it like I’m the problem. He has even said to his mum and sister that I am a very dramatic and sensitive person and I get angry easily… He just makes people believe,I’m bad.
I just don’t know what to do, he will leave me for months yet when we bump into,each other he will say how much he’s missed me and can’t get enough of me… Yet after few days he does stuff to mess the relationship again…this scenario has been going on for years now.. I do love my bf but don’t know if things will ever change? I keep giving him so many chances that I don’t know what else to do…..some days we are so happy and after a week or so, things just changes, he is not violent or abusive, my worse problem is when we have an argument he will just leave and make it like I never existed, he shuts me out completely for months, no,calls no,text, nothing. We live barely 1mile apart. I am the one to make the first move, everytime.
Please can anyone give me some advice… He has called me on Monday after an argument we had on Saturday, and now I refuse to answer his call. Cause I know he will,blame me for what happen..
Kadija
Dear Kadija,
Please hear me. You are dealing with, beyond the shadow of a doubt, a 100% full blown sociopath. You are telling my own story. Just about identical! It is like the same guy most of us here have experienced. They are like a stranger yet we are an honest open book.
He is gone for months? You always go back to him? He’s SECRETIVE? He fights with you and disappears a few days? He is setting up the stage to have an excuse to do something and see someone else. After all, if you two are “fighting” then it’s acceptable if he disappears awhile, right? Ugh. I know it’s hard because you have feelings for him. Disappear from his life and start fresh. No good will come from him. NOT EVER…..
You have it bunnyshy!! 🙂
Hello Bunnyshy
Thanks for the advice, it’s very confusing dealing with someone like this, sometimes I blame myself thinking I’m the bad person, but when I look at the way things are I’m confused.
I have lived with my bf on and off, he never brings any of his personal things to the house, just a few clothes and shoes. Not even a piece of paper with his name on it. He keeps everything at his mums house. When I question him he gets defensive, shifting the blame and looking for excuses. He accuses me of using him for sex, which is a lie. Accuses me of using him because he helps around the house, I do my share too and never complain. If I’m not well I look for,his,support he accuses me of faking, it’s come to a point were I can’t really talk to him about any of my concerns or issues as he uses it against me at a later date.
What I find is, when he is with his family he will go out of his way to make sure they are ok,his mum treats him like a small boy, he’s sooo close with his mum and sister, they knows everything about the relationship, every detail. We use to be friends but for sometime now they don’t talk to me at all. He’s even told me that his mum says Im controlling, I have a mental problem and so on.
I’m so happy to know that I am not the problem, because looking back I seem to attract the same kind of guys in all my relationships, guys who drains me and blames me for things going wrong..
With my bf I can’t seem to do anything right..he finds so much faults in every thing I try to do, some days he is such a nice guy, he would cook for me and help a lot, on other times he just shuts me out. He will not speak to me for days and we sleep in the same bed… It’s sooo draining….
You say it yourself Kadija…. it is too draining.
Hey Kadija,
When he accuses you of things, it’s actually what HE is likely doing. His behavior is right from the textbook. Mine faked an apartment in his parents basement the entire year. Always carried a backpack full of clothes. Never settled anywhere, who knows what he was really doing.
This guy is heavily focusing on what you ARE NOT, and what HE IS. This is crazy making. You’re on edge, always wondering about things, don’t know where you stand, he projects what he’s doing onto you. Sincerely with all my heart, this guy is a sociopath. He is poison in every way. You can no longer hurt yourself, keeping him around once in awhile or however. NO CONTACT him, be patient with yourself thru difficult moments, but NEVER LOOK BACK or there will be a high price to pay. You’ll be handing over your sanity, peace, and confidence.
I am so proud of you, your strength and just how far you have come!! I remember when you went back a few times, and he did the same thing again, you seem so very strong. yay go you Bunny 🙂 Awesome to see 🙂
Positivagirl,
Thank you very much. It is a FACT that if it were not for your site, I would still be a mess. You know how sometimes you just connect with the right person? You’re it. We clicked. You had impeccable advice, spoke how I and many others feel. You make such a complicated crazy subject very easy to understand.
I had a bad week or two a few months ago. Thing is, I kept NO CONTACT. The end result is what really matters. He’s actually homeless and phone-less the last I heard. Karma. I don’t even much care anymore. It takes time, and coming here to your site which will save MANY lives. I hope newbies understand to be patient, be mindful of their thoughts, stick to FACTS, and get the hell out of their situation. I owe you everything Pos. I DO NOT say this lightly. Thank you with all my heart 😊
Your comment made me cry – thank you!! 🙂
Thank you my dearest Pos…💕💕💕xx
Hi Kadija, and welcome to the site. Have a read through the posts here (go back to the beginning in Feb 2013) you might find that some posts repeat themselves, but this is because the pattern repeats over and over.
Bunnyshy is right, you have dated who we have dated. Exactly they do not have to be violent or even abusive to your face, they are far more clever than this, articulate and swift at thinking. They connect to people with their mind, not their hearts. Although they fake that it is with their hearts.
What you describe, almost ever single word, I have written about in this blog. Somewhere I have felt and experienced just as you have. Also you will see comments from others who have also experienced the same.
The truth is that they won’t change, they cant change. They can…. at a push learn to manage their behaviour, impulses etc, if this is in their interests to do so. But the patterns WILL still repeat over and over. In five years you have probably seen this happen.
You will never be in the sociopaths life…. they will only be in yours, constantly monitoring…. observing, manipulating and controlling.
You have experienced this for five years now. Do you want this for the rest of your life? It can’t make you feel good about you, do you want to feel bad about you for the rest of your life? Is this what you want? As it won’t improve or get better, it hasn’t in 5 years.
He might have some ‘value’ on you, in that you have been there for him for the last five years, and put up with his ‘bullshit’, but that doesn’t make it right. Or good for you.
I hope that you can see from reading posts on this blog and also the comments from other reasons, that you are not alone. you are not crazy, you are not stupid – this is in his brain, and sadly he will not change.
Kadija, listen to the ladies his ugliness( inside and out) will leave you a lifeless shell, having to rebuild yourself from the ground up. Its a long slow process that could be better spent strutting your greatness right now, for possibly the person who would love you right now like you are and you never knew possible if your just open to it. You don’t deserve less. No one does, but that can’t happen till you want it to. Leave the trash on the curb.
needed this reminder, spot on–I get the monitoring feeling just reading this…and that is what was most draining over time as they fly under the radar initially…they can be really stealth & DL in monitoring techniques…that was what ultimately I coudn’t quite put my finger on initially, but felt increasingly that my butterfly wings were getting clipped 😦 he would monitor while giving me little doses of those anesthetic love bombs or soc word play & keeping his own life totally mysterious, to try to distract me from the fact that 75% or more the relationship was just to watch and try to dismantle all my strengths, joys, wounds and peace—he would get a “hit” from that-observing, and probably learning more tactics on even more unsuspecting targets…when you give yourself time NC from all his tactics, monitoring and most important the almost hypnotic state the pattern causes, you will get a little rest=hopefully enough to recover enough to get your bearings back and RUN to good safe support while you continue to recover and retrieve yourself back with time & real love from friends, counselors, support groups etc…but you deserve to take all the time back from the soc= he is the ultimate time, life & love thief –Give yourself restoration & peace so you can really love & be loved–don’t settle for the counterfeit!!!! Touched a nerve this morning…I’m 1 year and almost a month out from only a 9 month stint, and though I am so much better, Im still ironing out some of the lingering fog that can appear–still some haze— like I was drugged for 9 months, had a longish hangover–and some regret to work through and had to try to analyze & follow the pieces that didn’t make sense to find the truth. Now, I’ve been detoxed from going NC immediately, rehabbed through this site, counseling, exercise & good meals, friends etc…I have not been in a relationship this whole year- still not ready…and just starting to chart very slowly and thoughtfully a new course–much more cautious and gentle with me, my dreams, hopes and plans. Best wishes to all—NC is so essential to detoxing — after all that work, its much more difficult to look back and want to risk getting doped & duped all over again. But I do find that the illusionary memory or thought of him can still try to play little tricks on me===proving the real nature of this guy as a toxin/drug/posion that is not love, healthy nor good in any way for me. Recognizing there is a pattern- and now I know the signs. I’m cho0sing health, love, joy & peace today—coming back to me–and I value myself too much and have learned too much from this now– No more second guessing, my heart is a treasure, and I didn’t realize just how precious until the pirate came, he monitored my and watched where my treasure was buried, tried to unbury it so he could steal it—-but it is so valuable that his hot, dishonest, greedy hands —couldn’t hold truth, love, beauty–he dropped the treasure, some broke and have fractures—but because of the authenticity….and the noise he made, he was found out, the treasures gathered back up by the rightful owner, analyzed, restored, repaired, and cherished even more—also not buried anymore–now in the light, adding even more joy, beauty and truth to history–and wisdom that can be shared with the proper heir. This pirate easily found & read my secret and sacred treasure map–I trusted him in a vulnerable state and left my map while preoccupied in a transition—he knew I was distracted to begin with-and took the opportunity–to jump on board. But I didn’t want my treasure buried to begin with, it was buried too long, and it took a pirates courage & greed, audacity & opportunistic attitude, to make me remember just what kind of treasures I possessed, and find where I buried them. I started to forget who I really was, the most be loved daughter of the King of all Kings. Now, I know for certain, and blessed really, to have figured it out within 9 months of searching…the treasures where not his (soc) to unbury….he thought I had fallen asleep, he pretended to be a hero not a pirate…to gain my trust. He tried to capture me–that’s when his real identity came forth. And I suddenly realized the treasures he had stolen, and was blackmailing me with—were mine! I got my power back internally through the treasures that had always been mine–he was holding them in front of my face—until I recognized, took back what was mine and ran to safety. No looking back until I was far enough away and safe enough to catch my breathe, with gratitude for my King who gave me the treasure to begin with & restored me with His gifts of healing, grace, forgiveness, joy & peace. As long as I remember who I really am, share my treasure prudently & cautiously…pirates will pick other targets that do not know or appreciate their worth in His eyes. God Bless, and may we all know our true worth as Beloved Daughters of the King of Kings. Amen
Hey EL, nice to see you again!! 🙂
I get the feeling that was VERY therapeutic for you to write this comment!!! 🙂 let it all out!! I agree absolutely about NC, you have to do that to even find yourself again, to find the person that you were before you met that person, for healing and recovery. There can be no recovery I don’t think if you don’t get rid of the addiction and dependency.
Haha on the pirate that made me laugh as I called the last one in my life a robbing pirate. Mcdonalds had a kids toy once with pirates as toys, I bought him one, to remind him (as if he needed reminding) of the robbing pirate he had been (it made no difference).
How are you doing?
this post came at exactly the right time. i’ve been having a hard few days doing exactly this, thinking about the “good times” or what I thought were good times.
I just wish my heart would catch up to what my mind already knows. I feel so brainwashed. I know all the horrible and despicable things he did to me, yet a part of me is jealous of the new “shiny object” It’s so sick. I just want him out of my head already.
Hi Gonegurl,
Welcome to the site 🙂
https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/dont-feel-jealous-when-he-moves-onto-someone-new/let-go-of-the-jealousy-and-focus-on-you/
Take it one day at a time, I promise it does get better. Try to bring back the focus on you. You know the answers, but you become brainwashed to think about ‘them, them, them’….. https://datingasociopath.com/2013/08/07/tips-and-tricks-to-bring-focus-back-to-you-after-dating-the-sociopath/
EL,
It’s great to see you again! Stay strong. You’ve got this 😊
I have just getting out of a relationship with a sociopath after 4 years.
He has until the end of this month to have all of his things out of our home and then I will be renewing our lease in just my name. I have done everything I possibly can to keep him out until he finds a new place to move and has to come back and get his stuff. I do fear he is now watching me because legally he has the right to come back in. Once I’m inside I can lock the deadbolt and know he can’t get in. I have blocked him on Facebook and asked my family to do the same but of course they don’t believe he has done anything wrong. In their defense we have “broke up” before. I have never been more serious about getting rid of this person in my life than I am now. He is a very sick individual. I have read so many of these posts on this site and it’s as though each one tells a story about some part of my life. My biggest concern now is taking care of me. I feel so out of touch. My house is turned upside down because I moved all of his stuff in one room to get it out of my site and out of the way to make room for new furniture. Everything is in disarray. I never know if he’s going to come knocking on the door or just show up somewhere. I definitely want NC but yet without it I have no idea where he is and what he’s doing so I feel paranoid. This morning he texted me and asked if I called him. I replied and said not in 2 days. He said he had 2 missed calls from me. I then replied back and said you are lying again, you are falsely accusing me of something again and I would be happy to call your employer to confirm that I did not call you since they can check your phone records on your company cell phone. He didn’t respond and he hasn’t called since. I just feel like he’s always lurking around a corner and it’s a paralyzing fear and the scariest thing is, it’s probably the truth. How do I make this go away?
Hi Summer,
Welcome to the site. Remember that the time that it ends, is the most dangerous and problematic of all. He will stall for time and stall for time. So that month, unless he actually wants to leave, means nothing to him, just time…..The rest of the month could be just further games. BE FIRM about a deadline. REALLY FIRM and put it in writing. Tell him if he hasn’t collected his belongings by (Date) they will be located outside of the house and you want no further contact with him.
With regard to you feeling ‘out of touch’ what you describe is very normal. He has spent time, grooming you, controlling you, and micromanaging you. Not allowing you to be you, the longer that you have been with him, the longer that it will take you to recover.
Also feeling that you don’t know what he is going to do next, is very common too, I experienced this many times. In fact, it made me feel so on edge as he would just show up outside my house yelling…. I almost didn’t know what to do. Eventually (it took 6 months) I did get full no contact. They will move on, if they don’t get what they want from you.
You might benefit from therapy/counselling, to get professional help to help you rebuild you. Or alternatively (or in combination) I hope that you receive a lot of help from this site.
You don’t have to give him a month… you could bring that date forward. Until that time he will have an excuse to contact you as you ‘have his stuff’….. I know that it is scary as they are so unpredictable. Bring the date forward if it feels too long. Say if you don’t leave me alone during this month and stop bringing me further drama and bullshit, you can get your stuff out of my house in 3 days and it will be outside of the house for you to collect, I want no further contact with you.
Once you have got over that hurdle, it is just time, he will give up and move on.
– Never display fear (even if you are scared)
– Don’t engage in argument (they feed off the energy you give them)
– Don’t give ANY emotions at all… he will soon get bored.
Welcome to the site 🙂
This site is amazing and today was a better day. I plan to visit here daily and read these post to help continue reinforcing that I am not alone, I am not the crazy one and I have nothing to fear. Next steps …to tell others that we have broke up, AGAIN. It is so humiliating and embarrassing to talk to the ones who said, “I told you so”. Then there are those who think he is so perfect and it’s all me. I am trying to be very selective right now with my choice of words and how I disclose things. I don’t want to appear like a “scorned woman” and think by saying, “We made a mutual decision that we would be better off just being friends” is simply put and appropriate. No one except those who have lived through the same experiences could relate to what I’m going through therefore they are not going to understand and I get that so I feel very isolated right now unless I’m sharing on this site so I think it may be helpful if I did consider counseling. I did not sign any signs of him returning today. He did not contact me and I was grateful. You are right, he will soon get bored and go away if I continue not to respond and give him any emotions because that is exactly what he feeds off of.
Hi Pos & PhoenixRising its Bewildered/Boopsiekisses yesterday Oct 7 made 1yr No Contact……
Hi BK welcome back, and WELL DONE for one year no contact!! That is so good!!!
Its been an amazing time, lots of UPS and downs but took it one day at a time, I feel like me again. Its a good feeling. Love an Peace. 😊
I really appreciate this site. I was in a relationship like this two decades ago, but recently ended up in a “friendship” with a sociopath and just recently figured out that they were abusive. I could do no right and was repeatedly targeted and blamed for everything that’s wrong in this person’s life. So, even though it’s not an intimate relationship, the patterns are the same – constant drama and blaming and wanting to own me and not really be a friend while at the same time trying to steal my friends. It’s sick. But, I’m learning who my real friends are how to keep control on my end and not letting her rule my life anymore.
As a way of healing, I have dedicated this song to all the sociopaths and narcissists who love to destroy others.
Welcome to the site momelock,
Thank you for sharing 🙂
You are absolutely right the patterns continue over and over and over. I read an old post written over a year ago, and it could cover word for word absolutely an event that has just happened. It never changes,not for any length of time.
Crazy is as crazy is…..
Great post, I can’t tell all of you enough how mad I am. I get like this still. I would like to tell the whole world that my Sociopath was a ten year old scum who plays games, because that’s all ‘IT’ knows. I remember now some of the things he said to me over many years but at the time it had know meaning or I believed something else. I am not a violent person, I just want the anger to go away.
It’s as if you have to constantly play the movie reel over and over in your head just to make sure “you” didn’t do anything wrong and then the anger comes back because you know you didn’t but they still made you feel like you’re at fault.
You a wright…You and the others understand.this horror film ever stops. Thank you for being here for me. Over the years, I have tried many different things like meditation, therapy, which I still am in. I hoping my thoughts stop.
Hello everyone and great timing as usual on finally getting around to reading these posts! Pos I have had such a busy two weeks with my sis up from out of town and us going thru all the debris left from the passing of my mom a year ago. Memory lane big time and with the NC of my crazy ex being in the back of my mind ( I still bring him up way too much in convos) but I am getting better. I even catch myself NOT using his name when I want to add a story to whatever is being talked about!
BUT- it happened. After 4.5 months of NC he sent an email other day ( YAhoo has no block). I read in the wee hours his two sentence “declaration” of how he missed me, how it’s been “a long time” and wished I would contact him again! Very strange considering the resurfacing of THIS blog very recently and I took as a sign from the Universe “to hold on, it’s going to be a bumpy ride ahead”. Sure enuf BOOM! But the beauty is, I didn’t reply. Because of staying active, meeting new dates, i.e. LIVING- I now, like another poster states, can see him from a mile away. And the fantastic advice and these latest articles are so timely and energizing! God Positiva, where can I send you a “therapist’s fee”~ I really would like to give you some sort of donation, dammit. You sure had a lot to do with so many of us on here’s recovery from these monsters. This article so easily sums up what we all get tricked into thinking- that monitering is love. Mine tried to be that way with me ( we never lived together) from across town. But, he never wanted to spend the night much, never informed me much about his plans. I can think how he did include me on many things, but so much of his life was a “gotcha” moment of really big events ( purchase of new condo, moving, new job, etc). So readers, don’t make the mistake I did that just because you have gained some access to his or her’s affairs that it is somehow not a pyschopath. Pos brings up in another related article about the LEVELS of these weirdos. So many levels of this disease. Some are full blown crazy, while others can be confusingly sweet but always in the end- you feel like crap.
That’s the thing I think that always bothered me from the very beginning of this ill-fated love: If this person loves me, why does he consistantly say/do things that make me feel crappy? If I called him out on it he would say how it was my fault, or twist reality to make it sound as if I had a hand in the shit. No my dears- not me, not taking any of what he is dishing out EVER AGAIN!
Stay strong- focus on this treasure trove of articles and read the comments! The best part of this blog is how we all can vent, write about ourselves and feel apart of a very special community, cyber or no. We are all loving, special people ( and NO I am not being stuck up!)! God bless the will of Nikki, are blessed founder, who has opened countless eyes to this horrible side of humanity!
Hey, they always pop back up. Well done for not responding. It’s his ego it was always about his ego. You are right. Someone who is good for you will make you feel good about you.
Thank you for this amazing post and site. Every day I try to gain some more clarity as to what I went through. I actually have a poem about sociopaths, you can reblog it for your site any time you want. I’m glad you are out here educating people on this subject. Take care.
Thank you Sammy, yes send me the poem, I can publish on Facebook page.
theheartsstories.wordpress.com/2014/12/01/so-see-your-path-sociopath/
Please pass it along to as many sites educating woman and men of these people… I hope my words bring some clarity and hope to others. Thanks!!