Every relationship that ends is difficult. Usually there is a reason for it, perhaps you are not compatible, or you didn’t get on, you wanted different things out of life etc. There are many reasons why relationships break down. Each party can feel more detached as they become more hurt in the relationship.
Why do we need closure at the end of a relationship?
When a relationship breaks down, we need closure to understand why? For there to be a purpose and a reason. We seek the question why, as we need to understand, so that we can:
- Ensure that the same thing does not happen again
- Understand why this has happened to us
- Is there anything that we did wrong that we can put right?
- What is wrong with me?
- Did you ever love me?
- Was everything a lie?
- Was anything at all true?
- Am I worthless to you?
You seek validations, reassurances, and closure from the sociopath, as this is the normal reaction. However the response that you are likely to get is:
- No answer at all
- Further lies and deception
- Further manipulation
- Misleading information
When you break up with a sociopath, depending on the type of sociopath, it can often come as quite a shock. If you have been dating a charismatic sociopath, it can be a total shock, as the sociopath would have portrayed the perfect person, all the way through. Damage would have been done behind your back, and even if you had been suspicious you would have been lied to and deceived some more, to convince you, that things were perfect. If you had dated the distempered sociopath (who is openly more narcissistic and emotionally abusive), your head has been clouded within the relationship.
A big question that we feel the need to ask is ‘why?’ To get closure. We want to understand what has happened to us, and why.
The sad truth is that with the sociopath, it is highly unlikely that you will ever get closure (at least not from the sociopath). Although the sociopath might pretend to you, that he will offer this, in time, when he is ready. This is a lie.
There are many reasons why you will rarely get closure from the sociopath.
- They like to retain control
- They do not like exposure
- They are secretive because of the above
- They do not think that they have done anything wrong
- In their own mind, they would prefer to shift the blame onto you
- If you take them back, you will still not get closure, because they have by now put on a new mask
- They often do not know why?
- They have a sense of entitlement that they can behave in that way
- They do not want to go over the past
The most important one of all, is that they like to keep control. By not giving you proper closure, they keep control. Even a sociopath who has suddenly discarded you without warning, will not give you closure. You would think that perhaps they might. They will pretend that they have every intention of giving you closure, keeping you hanging on. This gives them control over you whilst you are waiting for answers.
As the sociopath is the master of disguise and illusion, you likely want closure to understand what has happened to you. You are left with a feeling of disbelief, you need to understand why?
Most sociopaths have a lack of insight into their behaviour. They are unable to think of others needs, and therefore your needs. How and why you are hurting is not important to them.
Remember to a sociopath they think only
- What is in it for me?
If there is nothing in it for them, there is no need to give you closure. What benefit would it offer to them? It would only risk their two greatest fears:
- Fear of exposure
- Fear of losing control
Why do sociopath’s fake that they will offer you closure?
So, what is the point of pretending that they will give you closure, if they have no intentions of doing this?
There is one answer to this question:
The sociopath thrives on having control over his victims. When the relationship ends there is a risk that he will lose control over you. He might not want you anymore, and might even have a new source for supply. However, this does not matter to the sociopath. By retaining control over you, giving you false hope and allowing you to believe that he will offer you answers to why, and that eventually you can ‘talk’, it keeps you hanging on a string, and your own life on hold.
You feel that you cannot move on. That things are incomplete, deluding you into believing that things might change, or that this was just a mistake. The sociopath also gets dupers delight from conning you into believing that he will give you answers, and closure, but those answers will never be forthcoming.
So how do you get closure, to be able to move on with your life?
The best way to get closure from the sociopath, is to research and understand sociopaths. To talk to others who have also been through the same thing. Perhaps to get therapy with a good therapist who understands sociopathic behaviour.
To realise that what you have experienced is ABUSE, and it is not realistic to expect answers from your abuser. The sociopath has lied, manipulated and abused you in the relationship, and will continue to do the same once the relationship has ended, for no other reason, other than ‘they can’.
Often they will say nothing to you. Will stone wall you. Will put the phone down when you try to call, or derail you and feed you false information.
It can feel so painful, that not only were you abused in the relationship, but additionally if you expect closure from the sociopath, you are allowing him to abuse you further (and he will).
If I cannot get closure, what can I do?
- Use the internet to find as much information as you can
- Call up your old friends and family, try to find people that you trust
- Alternatively (or additionally), try to find victim support forums (there are a lot of them around, email me about this if you wish)
- Realise that just as the relationship with the sociopath was a journey, so will the ending be
- You will get closure, but not from the sociopath
- Closure will come from realising that sociopaths behave in a certain pattern, hearing other victims stories, you will see – that there is no logical answer. As this is not a logical mind that you have been dealing with. Talk to other people in the same situation, and you will be surprised, that you might feel that you have been dating the same man.
- Follow the steps in ‘how to recover from dating a sociopath’ and ‘establishing no contact’
Love yourself, and remember that these events, whilst right now will not make sense, one day you will emerge with closure, and all of the answers that you need. But these answers and closure, will never come from the sociopath!!
131 thoughts on “Do not look for closure from the sociopath!”
I believe that i was in a relationship with a sociopath but what hurts the most is that he seems to be living happy in his new relationship. Can you write an article about that? why you shouldnt be hurt that he moved on to another
Hi Jane, does this help? https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/dont-feel-jealous-when-he-moves-onto-someone-new/
Also look at the articles in the recovery and healing section.
thank you, i just read that article after i posted this comment. It helps some but i still have a lot of confusion because my ex was in prison and many use that as a reason why he may have reacted towards me the way that he did. The discard phase was done ver viscously and he made everyone in his family who liked me think that i was crazy. In addition to that, he got a random girl pregnant not even a month after he broke up with me and then started another relationship with another girl and announced all of it on what would have been our 3 year anniversary. It has been over a year and just out of the blue his babys mother text me asking me abut him being physically abusive and requesting weird sexual favors. I was completely started because i had never seen that side of him that she was describing. No matter what i do i cant escape him in any shape form or fashion.
I would imagine, that the random girl that he got pregnant, that he doesn’t have respect for her. Hence him treating her the way that he does, and including the weird sexual favours. remember that they are different with different people because they mirror. It sounds like she is going through a rough time with him too. Their brain works differently, in terms of patterns in the brain.
Him moving onto someone else and that sudden discard is no reflection of you. they see relationships as either games to be played, or business transactions, there is little real emotion going on in terms of empathy for how someone else is feeling. as for escaping him, the only thing that you can do, is to go no contact. Block all forms of communication, as they do often turn back up in your life – if they can.
Mine too he saw me as competition between his children, they think he is god as I have been manipulated into working13 days a fortnight while he worked 9. No no remorse or closure I called it quits after 35 years. He is as happy as pig in shit, me I am miserable. He makes sure he sees the kids every week while I work yo pay a majority hi
I do wonder – after seeing the true raging person living underneath my sociopath – whether they are able to be actually very happy at all. They spend huge amount of time on PR work to present images of themselves as happy and their new partner as happy with them. But it is all PR work about winning – sure they get great satisfaction from this con job – but what is really going on inside their heads all of the time that we don’t see? Extreme paranoia, jealousy, obsessive control needs, fear of exposure as liars, and need to fully cut off anyone who they discarded before – plus a creepy tendency to try and keep an eye on anyone that could be recycled again later. Their heads are not happy places to live – what they sell about themselves as chilled happy people and the like is all a fabrication, they are seething balls of self centered callousness and anger, often the product of serious under-parenting. Their winning is all about their short term selfish goal so I really wonder if long term happiness is completely out of the question for them.
They live off of other peoples happiness. Steal it for themselves. It is how they thrive. Like parasites.
Very well said. Its truly awful to experience this and yes they do keep a creepy contolling obsessive eye on you.
Oh god I understand, it hurts, I have been hurt by him and his lies so much. Just please realise, they prey on strong people to pick on. God help their next victim ( mine just happened to be my best friend)!- as was I before his last, its their nature not yours, just remember WE are good people
What you are speaking of is happening to me and has been for years. I am fustrated beyond like you said….beyond the human mind. They toy with you at your most vulnerable and down times of your life. Sick parasites!!!
Yeah, its very hard to temember that yes we are good people and are worthy of love and support . But times i feel like im the dirtbag because every person i reach out too abandons me, either not returning calls, making up excuses, purposely misu derstanding you ..the list goes on. I have too many evil narcs around me being deceptive. They know who they are.
I have never understood what the issue was. How he could be do cold and deceiving. Now after 7 years. I’m laying in my bed covered in tears and snot, wondering how in the hell to deal with this pain and keep moving forward by myself.. Part of his manipulation and control has been financial and I am petrified I won’t make it on my own. Please talk to me. I need someone who understands.
Hi Amanda. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It can be so difficult to be betrayed often when you have given all that you have and been nothing but kind .
Do you have any support around you? Or were you isolated from people close /had a smear campaign against you?
I too was struggling just as you all are. I remember thinking, how do I get past the past!!! I was in an enormous amount of pain over what my ex-wife had done to me financially and the fact that I could no longer see my daughter and stepson everyday. Not to mention that my ex-wife was my best friend, and after 10 years of working 50 hour work weeks, she used that as leverage in our divorce to ask for alimony for 8 years. (This is a legal matter I choose not to go into detail about)
Then I met a sociopath and a narcissist in the same year. Both of who did such a number on me I was having very dark thoughts about my future and didn’t see a reason to live.
Finally, about 8 months ago, I was set free from this burden and pain when I learned about this book… https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_3/141-9311050-6009953?ie=UTF8&qid=1523975680&sr=8-3&keywords=the+power+of+now
Please, order a copy and read it IMMEDIATELY. It could make the difference between life and death. Depression is no laughing matter.
I too believe in the power of now Justin. I think many people who are targeted and stuck in this altered sense of reality, usually are. Traumatised are only able to exist in the present. The right now, at least that is all that was available to me. If you keep right now healthy, then all will be ok, for healing and recovery. However, there does come a point, when you need to move out of the ‘now’ and to start to make plans for the future. While still keeping the now healthy.
You are so right. I just had to get an order of protection and petition for annulment. He is still contacting me but I don’t have heart to turn him in. I do let him know it’s not gonna work. He does scare me. He never hit me but was very controlling. The only thing that don’t add up is he is 40 and never got married before me. His ex that he had a baby with (whom he abondened when she got pregnant) she said he was never jealous or controlling all his exes say that. So why was he controlling with me?? He would go thru my phone and didn’t let me go anywhere without him. He has always said if I leave him he would kidnap me. Is that just all talk or could he really be capable of that?
Maybe his ex had different standards and didn’t see the control? Maybe he already felt he had her as she was pregnant. Or maybe she had nothing that he wanted? (Most likely the latter scenario).
I am dancing with a true sociopath, who is so demented that he is willing to hurt my child. This person has access to me that is unimaginable to the human mind that I can not get past the access to tell my story or get help. They have intruded on every area of my life, and for access at a very low point in my life.
Seeking answers any feedback would be appreciated. It is all so surreal!!!!
Stopping a sociopath
Hi joy your comment is registered now. Write your story on share your story. More people will be able to help too.
I was in a relationship with someone I now realise is a narcissistic sociopath. At first it was unbelievable charm. I didn’t want to get involved in a relationship but somehow his forcefulness was flattering. My thoughts were “wow he must really like me or care if he’s so persistent” things moved so fast, like a whirlwind. Although hindsight is a wonderful thing there was a gut feeling to not get involved. Very long story short. We had 2 children together, found out he was married before me to gain residency, he was illegal in the country, he stalked a girl for a year and he cheated with many women. I had turned into a detective by the end and absolutely detested the person I’d become. It wasn’t me, what was happening to me. Consumed with self doubt and pure anger I ended the relationship when my daughter was 4 weeks old and my son was a year old. This “relationship”. Through our time together, he couldn’t keep a job, his money, lied to women that my businesses were his, and asked me to be on his visa application. Fast forward a year and a half, he started a relationship a few weeks after we broke up. She’s now pregnant. I initially moved interstate and then moved country. His parents who live overseas are complete enablers. The same comments they’d say to me they now say to his new girlfriend. It’s mind blowing. I understand mostly what’s happened to me. Unfortunately becuase of our shared children he can always contact me but I’ve learned to deal with it. I used to answer his questions like when he’d ask how am I? Without a second thought but now I just ignore any message unless it relates to my children. He constantly asks me what’s wrong am I ok, becuase I’ve changed from the upfront honest cherry person I once was, to being short, unemotional and somewhat of a recluse sadly. Sometimes I still feel waves of why is getting away with destroying people’s lives? The trail of devastation and chaos he’s brought to so many people’s lives is sickening. I genuinely pray for his girlfriend and their unborn child. Please God he’ll have changed for the sake of them. Deep down it’s just wishful thinking.
Positivagirl, I fully agree. I’m sure you’ll also agree, you cannot make truly good plans for your future life until you can get past your past. Otherwise, you can’t think clearly enough to enjoy your thoughts of the future and make happy plans.
Since entering the NOW, I’ve gotten in better shape physically, financially and emotionally. I have plans for moving north and getting a log cabin in my retirement, and none of that required anyone’s permission or presence in my life.
The NOW allows you also to stop and recognize your amazing qualities, and realize the emotional pain you’ve been bound to was merely the perpetuation of your past.
Does anyone have an idea why a psycho/sociopath would ultimately explain to someone how they manipulated them and used them, children, etc. At the end of the “relationship”. They even used the word psychopath during the breakup referring to themself. What purpose does this serve them. They went from normal to full blown creepy so fast, I have never seen anything like that in my life.
They enjoy this as they lack human emotion. They enjoy seeing your reaction. When they do this it could be one of two things (I observed both), mostly likely it is because they are ‘done’ and will no longer be playing the game with you. The other reason that they do this, is when they think they have burned their bridges, you know the truth and you would not believe him anyway. They can use these ‘confessional’ sessions to try to rebuild your trust. When all is lost. It would not matter the same thing would happen and the outcome would be the same. The outcome is always the same. Way that they see it, it matters not, no hard feelings this is what happened. you are left reeling and hurt, but they do not possess these emotions so it can give a lift of power and control, to hurt you, all over again.
This is what I have most trouble over too.
You have to make yourself realize that the ex isn’t living a happy life and that they never will live a happy life.
They will never truly be happy in the way a “normal” person can. Everything is an act, it’s all a front. Inside they are hating themselves, their lives, the world. If anything you might pitty that person and be concerned for the person they are in the new relationship with.
Also, stop dwelling on what is in the past and who cares if that person is happy or sad in their life, it is no concern of yours.
How do I know these things?
Because it’s been eight years since I ended a seriously screwed up situation, and I am downplaying it by saying it was only seriously screwed up. It was worse than any book or movie and it would seem like I was making things up but truth is stranger than fiction and the craziness went on for almost seven years after I ended the relationship. I’m guilty of thinking about her everyday. Sometimes out of curiosity and anger, sometimes because I miss her, and a lot of times all of the above, plus I wonder if she is okay. But I live my life and I don’t let her or the thoughts of her take any precedent in my daily life anymore than a few fleeting seconds and that is still too much and more than she deserves. I honestly can say I will never actually get over her or stop loving her. But, I will also never forget how awful she was and how much I dislike her. I can’t say hate because hate is very strong and wrong to feel towards a person but, she comes very close to being hated for the things she did and said to me for almost ten years and she will probably never stop bad mouthing me to people if I come up in conversation. So, it’s ongoing because we have many mutual friends and acquaintances and she maintains that I am the cause of all we went through, being that she’s what she is and will never admit anything or ever tell the truth to anyone including herself.
Jane, that’s also part of the manipulation… you are to BELIEVE his new relationship is genuine…. it’s no more “real” than the relationship they pretended to have with you!
thank you! I have been going no contact, i just have to figure out a way to block his baby’s mother from contacting me about him. She does this very often and its oddly to tell me how serious he is in his new relationship and how he worships the ground his new girlfriend walks on. I dont need to hear that as I am still recovering. I have ready almost all of your articles on here, i just wish i knew for certain if he is truly a sociopath or just a jerk.
If you think hes a sociopath he is. Dont give him any more chances. You are the one that WILL fare badly. Try not to think about him and I know its hard not to. Look for happiness again. Im sure you once were
I think your web site is great. Thankyou. For months now i have been under therapy for my unusual relationship. It works out that he is a sociopath. I read with great interest each and every page. And now i ask this question. Will i ever get over it? Will i ever find “me” again?
Hi, yes….you can. It might take some effort on your part. read the posts on healing and recovery. Especially the ones like finding the person in the mirror. try to take the focus back to you, and away from the sociopath. As you cannot change the sociopath, but you can change you.
In my opinion sociopaths are very dangerous controlling obseesive and insanely jealous people (usually men) who feed off your happiness, your vulneeabilites, any weaknesses you have. They want that control and will stop at nothing to have it. Mine stole my xmas decorations and my crafty items which i enjoy more than anything. Souless and emotionless. These people never change.
The only closure I need from him is the closed door. I guess I have come further than I thought. In the year 1/2 since I walked out. I no longer care what he thinks. I no longer care. I don’t want revenge,I don’t want to rub it in his face that I can do better.
I just need to find what it is in me that made me weak and what my strengths are so I can crawl out of this hole.
I feel the same after marraige 27yr. In process trail seperation.
I have been “in and out” of a relationship with a sociopath for over 3 years now, always going back to him in the past after a period of “silent treatment” from him. Usually lasting 2 to 3 months. I would always request “closure” or reach out to him. He would not respond for a while, then would respond, acting like he was being a great guy and doing me a favor. Each time I get back together with him, he ends up borrowing more money. Now after the last time, he owes me over 8,000 dollars. I want to take him to small claims court, but I’m not sure there is any way for me to recover the money. Is there a website/blog for people/victims like myself to post these kinds of rip off experiences with users like this? Specifically mentioning their names so that we can look up certain people if we suspect that they are a sociopathic user? I want to warn other women about him. I have spoken to 2 of his x girlfriends and he has taken money from them as well. I want to stay away from him!!! One of the biggest reasons I always went back to him was because the sex was phenomenal, especially when we were “making up”. How can I get over this delusional idea? I want to be abel to fall in love with a normal guy and be sexually attracted to a non-sociopath!! HELP!
Hi and welcome to the site you are the second person to ask this. I think there are sites out there. The thing that you have to go careful of with sociopaths is that they are great at playing victim and you are likely with them using it against you – saying you are lying about them and ruining their character. Sociopaths are great at using justice against you when you are just trying to do the right thing.
I know what u mean about the sex, yes my ex spath was really loving, exciting & tender, & affectionate, that was the best & really only thing worth going back to mine for too. but he lost interest in sex, felt guilty (supposedy) the longer we stayed together, & created drama arguments, got jealous possessive, trying to isolate me in subtle way, try to make me feel guilty if i want to go out socialise, the longer we stayed together. Yes i want to feel attracted to a normal kind empathic man in the future but have fears i may not, i attracted to emotional intense charismatic types, thats the trouble lol! i feel for your situation as its mine too. i hope we can move on frm our ex’s & have real true loyal love, after all we deserve it, had hard lessons to learn from our ex spaths/narcs. love, light & blessings to u all. happy new year lol. i’m finding out who i am, my hobbies, who i am, spiritual person again.
This is posting in an odd place on this thread! But I read your entry today Dragonfly and know all too well the power of the physical addiction. Just came through my third time with him intimately last week and it’s always so good. Yet, not hearing from him all weekend makes me aware that he is detaching in a meaningful way. I know it’s probably just a matter of time before he too feels he is “betraying” his new love-bombed victim and disappears all together. So stupid, he’ll be all nice and true to this new “love”, yet we have so much we’ve been through and the physical connection- yet he’s willing to let it all go because he won’t do what you have to do in a normal relationship to keep it right. This poor person he’s got the mask on with now, little do they know the ugliness that awaits. Surprised it’s gone on as long as it has, but there’s the distance thing ( they stay 300 miles away). It’s easy to be charming on texts (and phone calls), as I have learned with the technology only this last year! He still types the weirdest shit though, out of the blue. And he bitches about how “unhappy” he is with life in general- Despite having two people pining for him, a brand new luxury car, a new townhome, new gadgets galore- UGH! Such an ingrate I always say. Proves to me how materialism is worthless- happiness comes from within! I guess I am sad, truthfully. that he discards me like his worn out car!
I am flirting with a new person on a dating website, so far so good. I want to get “involved” with someone ASAP. I know it won’t be good to jump right in a new relationship, but if the Gods set it up that way, who am I to deny? No, I have been single in my heart a good long while now. I’ve suffered enough, I refuse to let him stop me from going on with my life- I really don’t care anymore what becomes of it.
My sociopathic boyfriend and I broke up for the 9,000th and final time this past Sunday. We came home from a roadtrip and that was that. While I was making sure I had all my things out of his house, he left. Never said one word. No ‘Sorry things didn’t work out’. No ‘I’m sorry for the way I treated you and thank you for sticking with me’. No ‘Goodbye’. NOTHING. But I knew it would end this way. Me, being a normal person with normal emotions, and him knowing this, he expects that I will need closure and will be back for it. Little does he know that I don’t need closure from him anymore. I have my own closure. I now have the knowledge to understand everything he put me through and that his “love” is toxic to me. Each day I get stronger. Each day I know that I am NOT damaged and the things that have happened to me are not my fault. I AM NOT A VICTIM ANYMORE!
What an excellent post, Michele, and I am surprised no-one else gave you credit for being so bold, resilient and practical! I burst out in glee with your “9000th” time quip! God, I’ve been what seems like that many times if you include blow outs and fights and have had my guy up and leave me exactly as yours did you. Good going for such words of strength, as I am sure by this moment in your life that you are just exhausted, like me. You want things to be over, and we know are crazy lovers won’t ever say anything worth the effort for. I left my latest post at the bottom of the “Don’t be Jealous when he leaves…” articles. I know in my heart that I have to provide closure because I don’t even want to hear from him ever again. I have deleted email addresses ( even though this is trifle useless, it is seared in my brain- even the old email he doesn’t use-with me anymore anyway, prob. his other conquests who knows)! Oh and get this. My first clue he was a total selfish prick? His email contained his age and “adonis”! LOL- At the time I didn’t think anything of it!
I think we have to stop at some point and know we aren’t victims anymore, as you state. Everytime we let these creeps back into our good graces- BAM. We just set ourselves right back up for more pain.
It won’t ever stop with them. I do honestly feel sorry for his new lover/victim!
Wow Michelle!!! I needed this. I am really hurting and going through but every day I become stronger. I can’t wait until the day I can be as bold as you. I’ve tried contacting him to talk and find closure but he only hurts me more. He blames me and said I am full of drama all because I seek closure. No more. I am letting him go. “So long to all my pain. Goodbye to my heartache. Goodbye sorrow I won’t cry no more.” I’m leaving all of that behind today.
Nooo sherwanda please read the posts on no contact (find in the search at the top) the day you start no contact rule is day one you start healing.
Okay, now I have a question.
You heard my story about online deceiver Isabelle. How she faked her identity, illness, death, the existence of her “family members” ect. She hurt me a hell lot. So much that I had chest pains for two weeks after she did what she did.
It is now a year behind since she broke my love,trust and believes.
Sometimes I still cry silently at night because I remember her kindness when she played the hurt lamb. Yes,after a year,it still hurts at times.
I even thought several times to contact her but she scares the living hell out of me.
I seem to tap in the dark without a final chapter of the faked story to close my book of a broken heart and shattered soul. Can you PLEASE advice me what would be the best to do to get over a manipulator like she was?!
It sounds as if you are doing the right thing by seeing a therapist. In therapy you might feel worse before you get better. This is you bringing your feelings to the surface that were otherwise repressed. What has your therapist suggested?
The Therapist first gave me pills to fight my physical and psychical reactions to anxiety and panic. He suggested a diary where I’d write every tiny detail of what was hurting me, what broke my hopes, what I’ve expected so much, how I feel now and so on. He also suggested that I should focus on my hobby to paint and have more positive friends in my company distracting my thoughts. He is going the route: First expose all what is inside you (Like an inner clean out) then go the step where you replace the emptiness with a new start by doing things you truly enjoy. So far, he has only told me that he is sure she’s HPD as she perfectly matches the criteria. Tho a friend,who’s a nurse,added that there might be Munchousen by Proxy her case too.
Also you are discussing someone who has hpd and munchousens.
Wow, I get here obviously quite a bit of encouragement. I found out myself that closure is simply not possible and prolongs just the pain or suffering.
I know this blog is a bit older, yet to the very first person: do not bother to even feel sad, be happy for yourself. My ex, the SP, got married to a new person after 6days. I mean, you stay with someone for years and then something like that? I got over it, maybe they will even be happy together ever after, yet you know what, I do not care.
It hurt, yes, it was like I did not see right, must be a joke, a bad dream, a nightmare, yet it only lasted a few days. In my personal case (ongoing case) it makes things even a bit easier for me. Who gets married after a break up when there are children, after 6days? Well…we are on the right page I guess…
I know for some of us, relationship endings hurt and it takes time to get over it, yet with the knowledge that the opposition does NOT feel the same way, but ratehr has a ball, your time of getting over it should and could be shortened.
REAL closure is really impossible, because what we consider “normal”, is not in the vocabulary of the opposition. I gave up to find for closure to find REAL understanding what went wrong, and I hope others will not WASTE their time of life to find the answers you will never get.
(Ok straight, they dont tick like “normal” people, and so the answers you seek, do not even exist, since the emotional standards are totally different. You may think, “sometimes she/he may think of me”, does he/she? Ja, probably, and showing you the middle finger once more….
In this way, I agree, there is NO CLOSURE, but you only can close the case in your heart and head, you MUST close the case! Because otherwise they won. Do not let them see that they did, do not do them this last favor, do not give them the knowledge of this triumph! Promise this to yourself!!!!
I did, and I promised to my kids as well (silently), that I will not break, no matter how hard they try. Not going to happen, PERIOD! And I am usually not that stubborn… 😉
So, I am currently in a relationship with my 3rd sociopath in a row and am reading blogs like this so I can stop attracting these people!!! I am very well educated and am otherwise happy in life.
He moved into my house last year and the relationship has been a nightmare since after about the first month. He told me that I’m “too fat for him.” I’m not perfect, ok, but I’m fairly average in that respect. He’s also telling people that he’s going to break up with me because “there’s no intimacy.” Well, duh! Also, my teenager detests him so, no, I’m not going to be intimate with him. Oh and this week he has been all over me. The answer from me always will be no.
Over the past month, he has talked about having a new job and moving out of state (YAY!). I thought that would be a great non-confrontational way to get him out of my house. He was supposed to move last weekend but didn’t. Granted, it is taking a while to pack and we do have to plan around the weather since he’s driving across the country. I have been trying to keep an even temperament around him but I am very angry. Like most of his type, he lived off of me for a year despite coming here with promises of a job nearby. There was no job then and I doubt there is one now. When he didn’t leave last weekend, I was livid. I am concerned that he will not leave this weekend either. I am normally a calm, rational person but right now I’m ready to pound his face in. That would be a bad idea lol since I’d be the one in jail and he could play the victim.
Another thing I’m dealing with is my father is dying in the hospital so I’m there every night after work. I can’t keep an eye on what’s going on at home. Also, my teenager (who is an awesome kid) detests him and can’t wait for him to go. All he does all day is bully people online while pretending to look for work and watch cable. He’s taken over my kitchen, hordes old expired food, and has clutter everywhere. I really hate living in my own home.
What I want to do if he is not gone this weekend is disconnect the cable & his phone and change the password on my router. I am also looking into filing for a 5 day notice to vacate so that the sheriff will evict him. I worry though if that will make him vindictive and harm me professionally. Any ideas?
i have a similar story to a lot of you. I exposed him, to his other girlfriend who then she exposed 3 more!!
I am now the abuser, he is the victim. It hurts, but I have to be this as he knows he played me the hardest. I didn’t know about the others, but they did, they knew about each other, but not about me. He really isolated me from all of it.
He is now with his new love, every one is hurt, every one is mad.
I am doing everything I can to heal and move on.
I am really pissed that his new girl gave out my phone number, now I have too much information in my head.
I think it is so important to know that they can not get in touch with you.
The drama is hurtful, ignorance is bliss……..
He is getting as little time as possible………
He is a dick, literally. That is what he has to offer. Don’t need it.
I am in therapy, have booked a 4 day course.
Happiness is the only revenge…….Get happy, move on, there is nothing more we can do……..F*** them.
Hi pb, I am sorry that you are hurting. But welcome to the site. I hope that you can find good support here.
I,m getting closure now from the s what does that mean?
am a bit confused also happy cause i feel free.
Just wonder if he is a s than why this?
Ok Es, I wonder what you mean by closure from him? What exactly happened and how did it make you feel? You say happy, but do you think you can honestly move on? If you honestly feel like you’ve gotten what you seek to move on then just do it- don’t look back. Take Positiva & Pheonix for real- they are very astute with these matters. It’s real easy to think kindly of our ex’s. Sure they may say things that endear us further, but make no mistake, it is still a game. I don’t know what your particular situation is, but don’t chance it. Don’t give him anymore of yourself unless you have the strength for more games!
Just my two cents, coming from a long lasting ending to my mess. I sure wish I could say I had dumped him the minute I saw what a rat he is, but no I made excuses for him and now he’s moved on and I am left alone to pick up the pieces. But I am so lucky to have this community to open up to, and take the advice on here seriously- these “men” (some woman) are not anything other then trouble ( literally or for your heart). Just know you have great wisdom here AND in yourself.
Hi loop12 east ,
this website has been a life safer for me.
I take the advice here very serious and it helped me so much to move on and get myself together again.
Its easy to blame ourselves for not stopping the relationship with the S after finding out the lies and abuse..but that is the trap that the S created for us.
Don,t blame yourself for being hurt of what HE has done.
Be thankfull for your strength to take back your life.
We have to learn to love ourselves fully so we will recognice real love and will not be easy prey,s for a S.
I keep on having no contact.
Its just very new that he stopped having a door a bit open for me…
Its my confusing mind that is still having a hart time saying a final final goodbye to an illusion that he was not wat i tought it was….
I am now allmost one year after the final break up and still in the process of letting go.
But comparing to last year
it,s much,much better with me.
i gain weight, i shine again,i can enjoy life again,
the small beautifull things in life like a cup of coffee in the morning.
And surround myself with positive people.
i just found a very beautifull letter just on fb
and i will share it here.
Its inspiring to go on and move on,
to discover more and more the treasures that life has allready waiting for us.
I thought that my book, Entangled would give me closure, but I still feel empty. It’s hard to let go. One woman didn’t just walk away. There was a story about it on 20/20 last week.
How far would you go… to get your money back?: Katherine Underwood thought she found the man of her dreams: a charming college professor. And then one day, eight months after they met, he popped the question: can I borrow money? After six years of what she now says was a relationship built on lies and deception, Katherine – out $400,000 to the professor – wants her money back… and she is going to some very unusual lengths to get it back. Elizabeth Vargas reports on the undercover ex.
Also….I would suggest everyone read a book called Faith is the Answer. This book was written in 1940 by Norman Vincent Peale and Smiley Blanton. It gives good insight into how “people” lose themselves as small children if there is no faith taught and how it effects your life later on and how “lack of conscience” will become immoral behavior and physical ailments
Interesting bird. Had not heard of that book before. Will have to see if I can find it.
Also interesting as I studied psychology and what I learned was that over time psychology text books changed. For example in 1960s/70s lots of psych text books were racist and stereotypical. Can be interesting to read older books on the subject.
Positivagirl thank you for this blog. One of the things I saw on here was that sociopaths target dating sites! This is where I met him and after I discovered the flashdrive of his with pics of him screwing these women, I also discovered that he had three profiles on dating sites and on ones where he didn’t have to post his pics. He managed to save the profile pics of some of the women on this drive and so I now know that he will screw and manipulate anyone. The women have nothing in common physically or looks wise. All different. It really is very sad considering he has two young daughters and does not realize that SOME piece of garbage like him may target them some day. I wish I had found this blog in the beginning. But I am very strong and as my brother keeps telling me” you are not built to fail! God did not make you that way” I pray every day and night and thank GOD that I had the courage to finally look at that flash drive. I joke now that I never knew my life would be like a Jerry Springer show. And when I think of him now, he reminds me of an old dirty bandaid laying on the ground. And to all of the people out there that have gone through this and are suffering right now! remember there is FAITH and Goodness in other people. DO not allow a sociopath to let you fail! Do not give them the satisfaction. The best revenge is to be successful and MORE loving then you ever were! Just not with a dirty bandaid
Ugh yes dating sites are easy prey as immediately there is so much information for them to mirror and this is before you have even spoken!!
oops sorry, one more book for insight is The Sociopath Next Door by Martha ?-forgot the last name! An excellent read
I am curious to one thing. Does the no contact really work? What I mean is I have a funny feeling this isn’t the last I have heard from this jerk. And because their issue is with control. Do they ever really let go and stop trying to contact you! I guess because I have a feeling that I will hear from him again. Of course I don’t have to respond to any emails. He keeps telling his friend that he only ever loved me and he would forsake everyone else if I wanted to come back. I laughed and told his friend he is using his charm to try and convince you he is capable of love. But he is not. And he will never touch me again. I was just curious of your experience if they ever give up once they no longer can control you
No contact works for you!! It is about YOU taking back control. You making the decision you dont want to hear from him. It’s about you focusing on you. It’s nothing to do with him it’s about him being gone and irrelevant it’s about you having time and space to heal. And yes… Often they do come back unfortunately.
I think it takes a few tries- ‘course it depends on the level he is, too. Some are more persistant than others- some find a new play thing and lose interest. Pray yours had been distracted like mine ( found a new “luv” interest). I am almost 4.5 months no contact! Each time it seems to double before he emails ( I read) or texts ( blocked). I think now how I should delete before reading any future contacts from him, unless I want a good laugh. But no- see how they control us? If they make a move, we respond. It takes strength and just losing interest yourself in all the dirty low down tricks these people play. I, for one, do not need anymore tricks.
Amen to your thought about them growing old and alone- if only!
Wow, you’ve come such a long way. Bravo! If you’re keeping no contact, you’re already winning. In my opinion, the next step would be to do the disconnect you speak of but, I mean, don’t do it until you’re ready. It would open you up completely to the possibility of there being someone else, and that will be wonderful for you when that happens (I can’t wait!)
Oh they will be alone. If you read this book The Sociopath Next Door, the author explains how they destroy themselves…either financially or physically. Because lets face it, the law of nature catches up. My ex socio is not using condoms or any protection with any of his victims…..the highest rate of HIV/AIDS is in the age group of the women he is seducing 45-55. And so I pray that I do not have anything. So far I have tested negative but will be tested again in December. But then this is why I put the original post out there, to let other women know he is being deceitful and convincing them with his charm that he is safe and they are “the only one”. Thank you for saying I am doing well. I always tell my kids that there are many seashells on the beach! We never take home the broken ones! And this experience and all the info I have learned in the last four months will keep me from attracting another one! This blog is a blessing to remind me I am not alone, I am not stupid, I am a good person. Too good for this man. Or this coward I should say.
And so that really makes them the fools because by trying to come back we ultimately have the control over them. Ha! I understand what you are saying. You know I wanted to move out of the area so badly and buy a different car so he wouldn’t know where I was. But then I thought screw this jerk. Why should I put out money I do not have just so he doesn’t know where I am. And I have many supportive friends and family. He has very few. It is daunting some days to think that intelligent people are so deceived. Thank God I never loaned him money. And he is a charismatic charmer that does not have the anger issue. I wish I could warn all the women out there about him. But I will leave the consequences to God. And let his karma bite him in the ass. Because we know deep inside that these types have no self esteem and will end up very lonely when they are aged and need a companion the most.
Karma does always come back bird …. It might take years but it does
I recently caught my now ex out in a massive lie – as in his wife was alive and well, living with him.
Instead of a normal reaction, he tried to avoid answering the question “Did I just speak to your wife?”, and eventually switched to anger, when he couldn’t deny it.
Unfortunately, I saw red immediately and that he had been a liar from day one – so went on the attack, trying to let others know, as a result I found out his lying was far more widespread and complicated than I first thought – which is why I started looking at compulsive lying/sociopathy as a possible cause. My attempts to expose him have done his job – making myself look crazy, and I will probably never get closure from him (not that I was expecting it).
This is the second time I’ve been with someone with a compulsive lying disorder, but this one really caught me off guard and shocked me, a really good performer and manipulator, luckily I’ve lost nothing except faith in someone I thought was a good friend.
Like I said, this website has really helped me.
Closure was the all I asked for from the bitch who turned me into a emotional wreck and she wouldn’t give it to me.
Without reading stuff on here I would have never made sense of stuff, she was basically stonewalling me when I was begging for months, then finally I’d had enough, I contacted her, called her every insult under the sun, blamed her for everything and told her I know I was not to blame and I am fed up of being manipulated and I would not contact her ever again.
Then she got in contact with me, which made no sense to me, if she wanted me to just go, why did she wait until I had the strength to move on and blamed her rather than myself did she then get in contact? she set me back to the beginning, I was an emotional wreck again.
Upon reading this and learning about what she truly is, I feel I could move on completely, as its offered me answers to all my questions.
I contacted her, said what I wanted (yes I know she wont care, it was to make myself feel better, a good old rant) but I basically told her she’s not having the “last word” and if she did try too, I’d “expose” her to everybody.
It actually seemed to work, maybe it petty, but using their biggest weakness (exposure) I got to say my piece (even if just for my own sanity) and she didn’t get the last word or try to control me!
great website, thanks a lot for the help!
The guy I was seeing ticks pretty much all the sociopath boxes. Although I’m still toying with my brain is he/isn’t he. I know for a fact the following things and more were definitely present though. The charm, the gifts, the ‘I love you’ within a few weeks to leaving me without a real reason after 3 weeks for him to turn up again a week later saying he missed me blah blah blah. I was a fool and fell for his lies over and over till I finally called it off. He got a new girlfriend within two or so weeks thinking I didn’t know and tried to come back to me while still with her. I stuck to my guns and didnt fall for it but then he tried to come back again. I had to tell him I’m now seeing someone else. He got a little angry (he had violent tendencies) never physically hit me but i witnessed very violent abnormal behaviour. My question however is this……I NEVER contacted him first. Even when we were ‘together’ I felt like it wasn’t right even then and felt I couldn’t ring him or txt him first etc. So when I said I was seeing someone else he said ‘ok I will delete everything of you and block you’ that was two weeks ago but last week it was my 29th birthday and I found a piece of card with ‘happy birthday, can’t stop thinking of you’ on my car. Why do that when he thinks I’m seeing someone else and I know he doesn’t give a damn anyway! I know he had blocked and deleted everything of me many many times b4 so why block me when he knows I wouldn’t contact him first anyway? It doesn’t make sense to me. I have a feeling he’s well and truly gone now.Moved on and forgotten my name because I was so persistent that i wouldn’t and couldn’t forgive him. He knows he’s fighting a losing battle but the question still remains. Why block me and leave stupid notes on my car afterwards? I know its a very long story and hard to understand from this post! But believe me I would be here forever and a day if I were to put exactly what he did to me on here! Thanks to anyone who may be able to help in advance
Candy bc it’s about control! They want it so badly they are stupid. Complete idiots. If he can still leave you notes he thinks he has control and he thinks you will cave bc he is so charming. He got angry when you said you were someone else bc he lost control of you. It’s all about control.
I did cave in feb of this year. And guess what? Nothing’s changed. He actually hit me a few weeks ago, he didn’t beat me but I did go to the floor. I asked him a suspicious question and that was it he hit me. The next day he was sorry then he wasn’t then he was, then the threats came. Then the next day I was free to leave whenever I wanted with no comebacks. I still don’t know what the point of it all is. Im still in turmoil with my brain. It’s confusing
I confronted my sociopath after the ordeal. He kept saying he doesn’t know. Even when I fake cried to incite something, he still acted like nothing happened. He did tell me to scream at him, say what I have to say – which I did while he stayed silent.
But no remorse, no apologies. Just a “bye now!” in a somewhat cheerful manner. He still called and tried to explain everything he said. I then poked holes at all the promises he made. He quickly made up new lies to cover those lies and then lied some more.
Deep down inside, I feel really bad for him. This is a glitch of the human mind. He can’t help it. All I see is this charismatic man with so much potential, but with no heart or knowledge to live in this world. It really is sad to me. He didn’t seem to have a clue why people react the way they do. He understood it was bad but he didn’t care.
Hi. I’m not 100% sure my ex was a SP?? He has many of the traits. The thing that confuses me is he broke it off with me and said he never wants to talk or communicate with me again. And I want closure. I reached out a week ago and had no response. He cheated and lied to me horribly with no remorse or concern. I cheated on my husband with him. He didn’t care at all that he was part of hurt done to my husband. Is he a SP??? Help! I’m in agony and mentally drained. Ugh
Hi sissy they do this. Find it easy to just switch off with no feelings. They are empty inside. Means he is getting attention elsewhere. I know it hurts. (Read the post coping with pain after sociopath discard). It is selfish, but they are selfish. Remember what healing there is in the pain of silence x
I hate this. He will never know this is who he is. I can’t help but think he will be different with someone else. Are you sure?? I feel like it is me and that he despises me. It’s awful 😪
Thank you. Can they get their attention from new friends, a new job, and not another girl? I just am in total shock. I have been blaming myself. His response to a friend of mine about my health and having cancer was “I wish her the best!” What an asshole. It blows my mind that they aren’t capable at seeing these things about themselves. I’m just thankful that I realize and know what I’ve been dealing with. I wanted closure so badly and wanted to say how sorry I was. But it’s not me! He lied about cheating, he told me it was all in my head. But when I confronted him he wanted out. But didn’t get out until a few weeks later because he was moving. I think of all the hurtful things he said to me with NO remorse or empathy. None!
I want so much to email him and tell him he has a problem and that he is a sociopath. I guess that’s a bad idea because he was born without the compassionate gene. I do however feel so relieved. Are you sure he will treat his next gf this way? And my questions in the beginning, can they get their attention from new job, new friends, new city and it not necessarily be a girl?
To all the people here and positivagirl! I am over one year NO CONTACT. Wow the feeling of freedom of all the deceit. Even though I have not dated anyone since I am so empowered to know I have myself back! To all on here do not give up. Do not go back. Do not fail by letting them control you. Keep faith that you can walk away and feel strength. Time heals and memories fade. They may not go away but they do fade. God bless every one of you. Keep strong ! Keep yourself
YAY YAY YAY well done Bird, over one year, is amazing. I hope that life is treating you well? It is for me. I am back to working full time. I love my job. I am happy. I hope that you are too.
Thank you for all your words of encouragement. I f you will read my three posts, that I posted a couple days ago, I would love to here your thoughts. This is all new to me and I’m
Struggling with the hurt. He doesn’t try to contact me. It just ended abruptly after I confronted him about cheating on me. He couldn’t face the music. Said awful things and that was it after 2 years. I thought we had an amazing relationship, that I was his everything. You get the picture. Please read my other posts and let me know your thoughts. There are questions I have. Thank you so much
Go to the library and read a book called The Sociopath Next Door and Men that can not Commit…..most likely in the same section at the library. Remember what people always told us as children, a tiger doesn’t change his stripes. Stay strong. Join groups, go to church, any church….read books and reflect. But reflect on YOU and what you will not put up with in the next relationship. None of us know what it is or was like for the others. Just know that this is not YOUR fault. Sociopaths have no remorse except selfishly for themselves. Stay strong. STAY POSITIVE. God puts us thru trials to teach us lessons and show us better ways. I am one year free and even though at times I am lonely……I am not ALONE and neither are you.
Thank you so much bird! I will check those books out! Congrats to you! Very happy that you have come this far. Did he continue to contact you? Or try to??
Everything I have read in this site says that he will not change. And that he will repeat the behavior again over and over. I think that is what is helping me a lot is that I know he will hurt another as he hurt me. I’m still in shock!!!! I can’t stop thinking of him with someone else. He called me a couple months ago and was drunk. Asked me if I remembered him. And he started crying. Then he quickly got off phone and called me back at 1:40am and I didn’t answer. Then the next day never heard a word. It’s crazy. How do they walk around and do this to others! Is karma true?
Thank you for this post.
I think I found my closure… My disgust is my closure. I am disgusted by all the horrible things he’s done not only to me, but to others. I am also disgusted in a purely physical way – because it turns out he sleeps with anyone anywhere and because of STDs etc. Also, by the time that things were ending between us, I had already figured out that he won’t give me any true answers, any explanations – just more abuse. So I didn’t really care that much about getting some closure from him.
Still, I can’t understand that.
Here’s a brief summary of our ‘break-up’:
We had a fight in which he sensed that I want to break up. I said it almost literally. But I was angry and drunk during that fight, of course, I didn’t want to end anything in such a nasty way. So after a fight I apologized and tried to see him. I wanted to say my final goodbye and to take my clothes from his appartment. But of course, the silent treatment.
After a week I decided that I’m done, I gave up my clothes and I decided to break up via email. I wrote a brief, but nice and polite goodbye email. I expressed hope that we will be able to be professional towards each other. He didn’t even acknowledge it and a few days later he started what I take to be indirect hoovers (e.g. liking/sharing/commenting on my posts on FB – which is very unusual, normally he wouldn’t like/share my posts. In fact, he hasn’t commented on any my posts even once before and we’ve been friends on FB since 2008).
Well, I can handle that, we were only dating, it wasn’t even a relationship, I just take it that the way he behaved towards the end (refusing to see me, keeping my clothes, not even acknowledging that it’s over, together with those FB games) is my final proof that he is completely f*cked up.
But I seriously can’t understand his purposes, his reasons. What on earth might he gain by behaving like that?
I can’t explain it neither by
1) his selfishness or the fact that he just doesn’t care enough to even reply to my goodbye email; nor by
2) his will to keep me hanging so that he might suck me back in someday; nor by
3) his need to have power and control over me.
As for 1) – First of all – to reply to my email would take him 1 minute. Much less than all of those likes/comments on FB and other indirect hoovers. Second – well, sure I know he didn’t really care about me in a normal, human way. But I am also positive that he didn’t take it easily that I wanted to break up. He didn’t expect that. I think he suffered from a huge narcissistic injury. I saw on messanger, for example, that he would look at my messages immediately even if he wasn’t online, even in the middle of a night. (but of course, he wouldn’t reply anyway) He seemed quite nervous about all of this. (We were only dating and, I believe, he wanted to lure me into a long-term relationship. I think it was a shock to him that I withdraw at what for him was only the beginning.)
As for 2) and 3) That’s simple. He would have much more chance to keep me hanging or to suck me back in in the future, hence, he would have much more control over me IF HE DID reply to my f*cking email. If he did behaved at least a little bit more mature and as an adult, respectful person. All his behavior has done to me was it proved that I don’t want to have anything to do with him. Now, there is no chance for me and him and he doesn’t have any control.
So… is he just too stupid (or too delusional) to see that? Or was it too threatening for his ego, too much of a shock? (That’s how I used to explain his odd behaviors in the past – I used to think that he just can’t handle difficult situations.) Last possible explanation that I can think boils down to his cruelty – maybe he just wanted me to be as confused as possible, so that I’m spinning at least a while longer.
Any thoughts on that?
Sorry for my comment being so long. 4 months after it’s over and I am still struggling trying to make some sense out of what happened to me with this weird person (of course, not giving me closure is not only a half of the confusion).
Thanks for any thoughts.
By the way, as far as I’m concerned, his other relationships ended normally. I mean, no mature, respectful break-ups, obviously – lots of smearing, nasty discards etc. – but at least THEY ENDED. With his ex-wife he had some king of a grand finale. He told her about his affairs (after the divorce, when his money was safe, I guess in order to further torment and destroy her). He discarded one his ex-lovers by deleting her from facebook.
I am sure all of those endings were horrible and left his victims in a total mess. But at least THEY WERE ENDINGS. It was clear – for both his wife, his lover and others… Whereas with me… it was as unclear as possible. He didn’t let me break up and he started with his indirect hoovers. We work in the same field, we won’t avoid some contact in the future… so, it really is as unclear as possible. I would actually prefer to be deleted by him from FB (like his ex-lover) than having him liking and sharing my posts. That would be at least clear.
Yes, exactly my point. If there has been no smearing, no nothing. And he is still being nice, it means that he hasn’t done with you yet. So go careful. If I were you, I would remove him from social media, take him away from any of your contacts. I remember when mine (me thinking that I didn’t need to remove him from facebook in early 2012, and being too trusting) sent hate mail of lies to everyone (well about 80 people) I thought it was just a threat at the time. until people told me. He went mental, said lies that had a thread of truth so that people believed him. To this day 3 years later, I still haven’t recovered from that. he made out he was a ‘nice’ ‘kind’ ‘caring’ man who was away sorting out access to his daughter. That I was out doing this that and the other. Total lies. I had gone out, he had been gone nearly a month, had stolen lots of money from my bank account, and wasn’t away sorting access for his daughter either, he hadn’t seen his daughter in years. They really can do sick things. When they are done, they want to kill you psychologically – emotionally to end the relationship. You know when the relationship is OVER for them 😦 – not always but often it works that way.
Ah no!! You see, the Sociopath doesn’t like YOU ending things. They are in control. So if you end it, they often don’t take that as ‘ended’ on their terms. So what they will do, is sucker you back in, so that they can end it on their terms see also https://datingasociopath.com/2013/10/13/the-sociopath-exit-strategy/ I know that this hasn’t happened yet. But to them, this is how THEY end things. On their terms. If they haven’t ended it, then it isn’t over. They like to win and to have power and control, more than anything. That is, of course if this person is a Sociopath
Hi! Thank you for your reply.
Yes, I think this person must be a sociopath or a narcissist. We’ve been only on a few dates and he didn’t show his true colors until we got intimate. But I have known him for years prior that. He’s always been a control freak. There have always been something too off with him. Also, he has a history, as I now know, of permanent cheating on his ex-wife. Put that together with his odd behaviors on our dates (very passive-aggressive, very manipulative, playing mind games all the time) and you have a clear picture. So although I am not a psychiatrist, I am pretty sure this person must be disordered.
It sounds horrible – what you went through after the break-up with all the smearing and theft etc. Thanks for sharing.
Well, the guy I wrote about wasn’t always really nice to me. There’s been some triangulation (even though we weren’t exclusive yet, as I wrote – there were only a few dates, so I can’t really speak about cheating. But he was doing his best to make me jealous and insecure), there were some long silent treatments etc. But maybe that’s not much as for a sociopath. And yes, I believe that he might not have been done with me yet, since he was so extremely shocked that I wanted to break up (it really looked like a total shock to him, which was surprising to me, as in my opinion, he should have been expecting that after being such a jerk to me).
People on some other forum also told me that he might try to suck me back in in order to end it on his terms… Well, he won’t suck me back in. I know you can never be too self-confident with sociopaths, they have their sneaky ways, but… The thing is I had been in an abusive relationship before and I have done a lot of work after that, I have been to a long therapy, there is no way I am risking making that mistake again. I guess that’s why I wanted to end with this current person after only a few dates, that is, as soon as I noted just a few controlling behaviors.
Unfortunately, I can’t go totally no contact with him, because we are professionally connected. He is a very significant and powerful figure in my field. But we don’t even live in the same countries, so if I’m lucky I might not see him for ages. And I will do my best to maintain as low contact as possible.
Thank you again!
All the best and stay strong! xx
Fantastic article.I broke up with a sociopath three months ago. He
walked out on me after I confronted him about a big lie he caught him in. He just got up And left and said it’s been nice knowing you it’s been a long time coming. I’ve tried calling him to recover moneys he said he give back but he was extremely abusive and blamed me for the relationship break up. I like all woman on this site would like closure but again like all woman on this site also know his not worth waiting around for and I need to somehow move on and feel good about myself.
Thanks for this article!
I was in a toxic relationship for several years which affected me very badly personally and professionally. I’ve been through idealise and discard many times, with devalue happening but not in an obvious way. I ended it in November in a telephone conversation which really didn’t go anywhere and managed to stay free of him until New Year’s Eve when I fell for a ‘miss you’ text. Not surprisingly I was discarded by text again four weeks ago – after questioning his behaviour. The text was sent at 4 in the morning, saying a final goodbye and promising never to contact me again – with a kiss! Then he blocked me so that I could not reply. Blocking me was the hardest bit as he has never done that before. I believe he dumped me as pay back for trying to end it November. All the words he used were my words – so it wasn’t even an authentic goodbye. I couldn’t get over the blocking my number though. Is it common for the abuser to block victims? I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. I just hope rhat he never contacts me again. I promptly blocked email, phone and closed any online accounts. Nasty piece of work.
I do think it’s common. Because it is another way they are in control. Having the “last” word. He will most likely try and contact you again. Be so careful that you do not respond back or fall for anything he says. They are such pathological liars. And nothing they say is honest.
Best thing you can do right now is read through this website and the comments to help you to continue to get stronger and heal. You deserve so much better! I know this is hard as I have been 9 months no contact and still think of him everyday. I hate it. Focus on you now. Just keep telling yourself he is nothing but a toxic person that will continue to play sick games with you. 😔
Thank you for replying Sissy. For me, the whole blocking thing would only have been used a last resort – and I completely understand and relate to why so many victims feel as if they have no choice. You shouldn’t have to block someone in a normal respectful relationship that comes to an end. So I guess when he blocked me out of the blue and for no good reason (other than to be spiteful) it came as a shock. It is funny, when I spoke to him in November about drawing a line under the relationship (if in could ever call it that) I mentioned blocking as a way of being able to move on positively. Of course, this was a mistake as he has now used it in a very damaging way against me and again, to deny me a voice. I hope he feels adequately revenged and it was his final discard and he will not attempt to get back in touch. I’ve read an awful lot the past couple of months in my search for answers and have no intention of being drawn back in again. I see the discard coming almost as soon as the hoovering begins. I’m completely demoralised and really tired of the whole thing and just want it over now. Thank you again, I was really confused about the blocking thing as I’ve only read about victims blocking as part of no contact. Taking it one day at a time, with a little help…. Xx
Hi Dee no they block you, as they like yo win and be in control. Esp as you had already mentioned it, he would have done it to take control. Did you know that they are SO pathetic, that if you were to end it, and make a quick escape that he would do all he could just to lure you back in, and then end it on his own terms, just how pathetic is that> that really is how sad their lives are 😦
Great comment I read after mine Sissy, thank you!!! He will continue to play the game for as long as you want to play it.
Mine has blocked me multiple times a week for almost 4 years now. I am not exaggerating. This is of course not counting the weeks- and months-long silent treatment periods during which I was blocked for longer periods of time. Almost every time I caught him in yet another lie or brought up something I wanted to discuss, he would get mad, hang up on me and block me. This happened multiple times every single week and sometimes multiple times within the same day! It made me almost lose my mind. It makes me feel guilty and confused, too, because it makes you think youve done something wrong if someone has blocked you. He would often tell me he will only unblock me if I dont bring up whatever I wanted to discuss again but that as soon as I bring it up again, he will immediately hang up on me. I felt silenced, invalidated, uncared for, confused, obsessed with figuring out the truth and it made me enraged. It is at the point now where I just assume any time we talk on the phone he will hang up on me. I tried setting boundaries and not accepting this ridiculous behavior, he would give me false promises and then do thr exact same thing an hour later. Im trying to go back to NC but struggling because I still want answers even though Ive now realized he lies even more than I ever knew before. Im so angry and wish I had never met him.
You know this is about control? So you become fixated on his blocking you and when he pops back up likely you would have forgotten his misdemeaners. They are so manipulative. You know this relationship is toxic and Is robbing you of your self esteem..
Thanks positivagirl too. Yes, I can see it now lol I thought it, but couldn’t see anything about it in the blogs. This is how they make you feel! Full of self doubt. I do thank you both for replying so quickly. It really makes all the difference…. I know I am stronger than this – I just need to believe it again and I will. 🙂
It can take some time Dee, but hang in there, keep going.
I so understand wanting it to be over. I’m at the point that I’m just upset that I even have to go through the healing from this craziness.
We just have to keep reading and learning about sociopaths. I have turned another corner this week. Just in reading and communicating on this site. This site has literally saved my life. I now know and realize it wasn’t me, it was him.
I did same as you and mentioned to him about being blocked and he turned around and did to me. He was so toxic. He had me blocked told me to leave him alone and never call, text or email again. Told me I was. Horrible person. But when it was his bday, he called me five days letter saying he was shocked he didn’t hear from me. I said ah you told me I was blocked and to leave you alone, so I did just that! He then proceeds to tell me that he really didn’t have me blocked and he wished I would have tried to communicate on his bday! Talk about screwed up! I didn’t understand why? Why did he do this??
The other question I have is do you think they like attractive girls? Like do looks matter to them?? Thoughts??
Thank you! …. although I am surprised that he didn’t call you. Actually if he was a sociopath, if he wanted to call you – he would have. I bet you, he was doing something else with someone else on his birthday. They like to have birthday attention.
He did call me five days after his bday and wwas pretending to cry (literally) and was upset i didn’t call him on his bday. And this was after he told me to F off in so many words.
Do you think he is not a sp?
I don’t know Sissy, I cant give a diagnosis, but what i do know is that this is a toxic man and not good for you!
You will get through this, Dee! WE will get through the this hurt. Like you said one day at a time.
Take care of you. As hard as it can be, remember that you deserve to be happy and good riddance to the past. Xxx
Yes it’s all really screwed up isn’t it. I’ve had some crazy conversations like that. A disordered disorder! None of it makes sense which is why it makes us so crazy. We can’t relate to it and we never will. It’s just so beyond normal. I know that my ex had lots of different kinds of supply apart from me, positive and negative – to feed his Jekyll and Hyde characteristics. I just happened to be the main and most constant supply – sucked dry for seven years…. Do they go for attractive women? I think they rub their hands with glee when they think they’ve secured high value supply. From what I know of his ex”s – I would say they were attractive. But I think it’s pretty subjective. I just know now that he would have done the same thing to them that he has been doing to me – so we are all victims at the end of the day. You are a very strong and brave woman Sissy. Keep going with the no contact… He isn’t worth one moment of your day. I keep telling myself that when I feel the dark clouds forming…. Aren’t we lucky to be free. Long may it continue! 🙂
Yes! We are so lucky to be free! I’m thankful that I don’t have to be tempted or have any contact with him. I just keep telling myself he will cheat on another and hurt another just like he did me. They don’t change. I just stand shocked that everything was a lie. That was the hardest part for me. I thought I was something special to him. All lies now when I look back.
I do Often what he’s doing and if he has a gf. It doesn’t matter but I do wonder.
I hope you have a good rest of your weekend. Xx
And you Sissy x I don’t feel alone anymore so thank you 🙂
I have dealt with one, and he actually mirrored me! Got me so hooked then totally switched up. The problem was he knew how much I liked him because of his friend, which gave him more of an advantage. It was more of a hookup than a relationship. Got what he wanted, not right away, but in time and then acted like I never existed right after. I guess I try to justify it because I wasn’t in a relationship, but he played my mind and made me believe that he was something he was not! The people I confide in think I should be over it but it’s so hard, and that leaves me with no one to talk about it who I trust. Not having closure is destructive! I never contacted him after but he contacted me, and I caved and contacted him once after but I haven’t since and it’s been 8 months with no contact. I wasn’t looking for a relationship with him but the way everything played out made me feel like a fool!
Ally, I know it is hard to have no one to talk too. The people you need to tell get tired of hearing it! I am almost 2 years free of my sociopath and have met a few more of lesser degrees. Maybe this is God’s plan for us to have the lesson of one to recognize others! This blog and web page was a God send to me in the beginning. I had four years of him…..and he hid it very well. It’s a death…..but in a good way to lose someone like that. Don’t ever be down on yourself for being fooled. Most women posting here are intelligent loving caring women….we are easy prey. But hold your head high. Remember the closure you want and need is not going to be the truth. So run from it! Remember what others think about you is none of your business! STAY strong, seek out therapy or a group to join. There are caring people out there.
Thank you Bird. How are you doing today?
Thank you bird. You’re right and you have really helped me. Your strength and wise words are encouraging. God probably did put us through this to recognize others. I’m also realizing that losing some like that was God in disguise helping me out. This blog is amazing and it’s really helping me. I am so glad I have found it. Thank you for your support and advice. I truly appreciate it!
Positive girl. I’m ok! Thank you for asking. Trust is still an issue. When I meet a new guy the doubt is always there. Funny I just told a guy I was “seeing occasionally” his choice or lack of not mine – to take a hike today. I’m disappointed in myself for not being kinder in my breakup but he was showing signs actually the same excuses as the sociopath But I don’t think about the four years wasted on the sociopath and never hear from him. So I am blessed God gave me strength and courage and led me to this site. I hope you are well!😉
Yes I am really good thank you Bird. It is good that life is treating you well, and even if it isn’t yet blessing you with the right man, at least you aren’t wasting time, resources, energy, and maybe money on the wrong one, well at least no more than is necessary. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince… it will come! 🙂
I am a man and I am very disappointed that this site uses “him” and “he” instead of “them” or “they.” I’m a true victim of a sociopathic woman. Please change the text of your site to be gender neutral. I came here for support but your site has offended me.
Jason, I totally agree. I came here to read about how I might be able to get through what a FEMALE narcissistic sociopath did to me and is still continueing to do and it’s been five years since SHE just cut me off and stonewalled me. Completely ignoring me for five years but, continues to lie about me and spreading rumors about me and turned friends against me and when I do run into HER (we live in the same neighborhood) SHE acts as if I’ve beaten HER or as if I’m going to beat HER.
But, I’m not going to tell anymore about what I’m going through. Why would I want help or advice from any professional or non professional that clearly thinks only men are narcissistic, sociopaths, psychopaths, empaths, and borderlines?
You all, not just the author but every one of you women should be ashamed of yourselves as human beings. There are probably more sociopaths,
narcissists, psychopaths, borderlines, etc… that are women than men. The reason you all think its only men is because men won’t ask for help or tell someone that he’s been abused by a woman. Hell, even the police won’t help a man if he’s been abused. Women and men laugh at a man if he’s being berated verbally or even physically by a woman in public. I just watched a video clip from Dateline or one of the “News ” shows and they set up a man and women arguing in public and the man gets physical by grabbing the womans arm and trying to push her away and everyone stopped and looked, then a woman and a man stepped in to help the woman . When the roles were reversed, no one srepped in to help the man being slapped and berated and not only did they stop and watch and not help but there were women laughing and commenting on her hitting him and laughing more.
You peopleb,no… you women are all terrible, femminst, blood suckers who claim to be victims of everything and it’s always the man who is the bad guy.
I’m very disappointed in the author but, she’s not the only one. Every article, blog, etc… that I read on this subject of abuse by a narc,socio, psycho, etc… is 99.9999% always about men being the ones who are these people. Although, at the very beginning of this discussion I do remember seeing one brief point she made or a commenter made when she said “Him ” she did parenthesize
” she or her” one time.
All you women deserve what you get. You only take from men that’s why you get in relationships for the cash and prizes, not because you love. You women are incapable of love as it really is and as how a man loves you. You will just turn off your feelings and take everything he has and move on to the next upgrade you find. You have shelters and places to go get help when you play victim or God forbid you really are a victim of abuse etc… but has anyone ever heard of a battered mens shelter or a place where we men can talk to someone who will empathize with us? No, we are expected to suck it up and be a man about it. .
You women are pathetic and not pathetic as in I feel sorry for you but, pathetic as in make me sick.
I kicked my sociopath out three years ago it took me a long time to realise what lies he had told behind my back the last straw was he lied to my parents about me and I didn’t find it till after my dad had died. i have been through it all the Jekyll and Hyde moments, controlling behaviour, deceit, running me down, destroying my confidence, turning people against me even my own friends. All I can say I’m in a much happier place now sleeping peacefully at night knowing the one person who I slept next to every night for 18 years telling me they loved me isn’t lying or cheating behind my back anymore I went back to college and met new friends. I have my moments when I think why did he do the things he did when we had three amazing children but when I look at him now he looks a mess he has lost loads of weight and has tried to cheat on his new girlfriend already and that’s why makes me look at myself and I know i have come on further in my life in the three years than he has as he is still playing the same games. I just wanted to give all of you hope that you can get better in your life than they ever will
I am 1 week no contact. She is concerned some
Mutual friends know she was leading 2 lives for a year and is trying to make up lies about me to defend herself. What to do? I want to contact her and ask her why.
I was all done with week one. Then she emailed me calling me names so I emailed back. Which led to a barrage of emails and phone calls. Telling her I loved her and wanted her back. Guess what? Didn’t work. Lol.
I dated a guy when I was 16-18 years old. We fell in love and got engaged. We broke up because of his family and went our separate ways. He was married 2x and has 4 children. He contacted me about 2 years ago to see what I was up to. I was his first love. We started talking a lot and then seeing each other for lunch and then it became a full blown relationship. The one thing that was a huge problem…I am married. But I fell back in love with him hard. I was contemplating leaving my husband and kids for him. I missed out on what I thought I wanted when I was a teen. We were almost inseparable either by phone, in person or texting. He had anger issues that he told me he was working on. I began feeling some lies and confronted him several times after about 3 months. But he was so reassuring, that I thought I was just looking at this too microscopically. He talked about wanting me to invest in his business. He put my name under his account just in case I wanted to put money in it (which I never did). We opened up a credit card together (in my name) but I kept a close eye on it…and he paid me back for everything. I still had some doubt about his extra-curricular activities. I had him followed. Just to find out he had a serious girlfriend. I stopped talking to him in January 2016 and he contacted me a few times and we started talking again in March. We saw each other once a week since and talked several times a week. What is it about these people that attract us? For no apparent reason, he stopped calling me about a month ago. Although I noticed that he tried calling me at work but never left a message. How do I stop loving this person who I have known almost all of my life? I know he has no heart and he can’t truly love me back. I just want to stop thinking about him. Help!!!
Good evening, still trying to find a platform for my story. I can not imagine being in a relationship with such men, I have never personally never been in one. My relationship were with caring loving men that just did not work out. You see you got to see your monster up close and personal, I do not have that luxury. Why I call it luxury is because you can look in that monsters eyes and see the evil in the end.
This coward has invaded every part of my life (without being seen). This coward has access to my e-mails; banking; fb. This coward has destroyed my reputation in my church; has gotten me fired from my job and the list goes on. I have been to the police in Maryland where this coward got access to me. I uprooted and went back to my home and this coward after staying silent for a bit reared his cowardly, sociopathic head again. I have gone to the police again, fbi office only to be told that I need evidence.
This sociopathic coward threatens me and my daughter on a daily basis. I have been called a whore, the coward has expressed to me that he wants me to perform sexual acts on him. Tells me how big his privates are. The list goes on.
You see this mother @#$! has technical expertise and every time I try and take a screen shot the message disappears. This sociopathic coward has sent me pictures of him nude from waste down and privates with a girl with ponytales and a school uniform on. HOW DO I FIGHT WHAT I CAN NOT GET EVIDENCE ON.
I spent the better part of 5 years with my sociopath. I felt like was going crazy. Everything was fine as long as I was feeding her money and taking care of the house, the cars, and her daughters. She physically abused me a few times and I stayed with her. It was hard to leave but it’s getting better.
I was discarded by my narcissistic sociopath three weeks ago. The last time I saw him the mask was off. It was the first time he was openly mean and completely disrespectful. He flirted with another girl, used triangulation, and used every insecurity he knew I had to hurt me. He also bragged about getting kicked out of therapy for manipulating the staff which I thought was an odd thing to bring up and brag about. We communicated for a couple of days after that and then he went silent. I know that I was used over the last 7 months and it is so painful. I also became aware that he was talking to a lot of other people and I’m sure he cheated. Each day that passes brings more clarity and shame about the reality of what I accepted for myself. However the most disturbing thing is I still miss him terribly which doesn’t make sense. Tell me things get better, please.
I was seeing mine for 6 months. Everything was good at least the way he acted. I had no idea he was so unhappy and blamed me for his depression. He broke up with me out of the blue and gave me no real reason. I did everything I could to make him happy. But yet it was all my fault. He used the same way to describe me as a few of his other ex’s. And of course he’s other relationships failed because they were at fault they weren’t long relationships either. He hasn’t had many.
Now looking back I see who he really his. He talked about all the places he wanted to take me. How much he cared about me and enjoyed my company. I’m still not sure what he didn’t lie to me about. Even now. He lied a lot.
3-4 months in we said I love you. Also his ex was still in the background. Which I wasn’t sure how much till towards the end. She broke up with him btw. I told him how much it hurt my feelings how much he compared me or talked to her often. He said I had nothing to worry about.
It’s been nearly a month. I miss him. His words meant nothing. He couldn’t keep his promises. He was a functioning alcoholic. He was cold in general and he pushed to meet my child promising to be around. I’m afraid from all this I’m going to have trust issues. I’m devistated because I thought I knew who he was or at least who he showed me.
Hi Sarah. I am sorry you are hurting. Relationship endings especially at this time of the year can be so tough. It doesn’t sound like you are describing a sociopath. An inconsiderate selfish asshole though.
Hi. I was wondering if there are any support grilouos near me please
So no closure but is there away to move on. Is it natural for the victim to be drawn towards them and can they come after us after we try to say block them . How do we stop them from spreading rumors
Good questions there Tina. Well, as you know, if they are determined to contact you, no contact wont make too much of a difference. They could show up at work, home, anywhere that will cause embarassment, so that you comply. Maybe even message you on ebay, if they were that determined.
The spreading rumours, I really dont know the answer. Depends on how close you are to the people. You could go legal and get a restraining order, but, they also lie, but if you went this route, if you have evidence to do so, it would give you the law on your side. And his lies against you might be less believable. But, I know that they can also lie to police and frame you too. Its a hideous insideous misfortune to have one in your life, like a virus, it spreads to all areas of your life.
Yes, its natural for the victim to be drawn towards them as they have groomed, you, likely moved into your social circle and became you, in your life. Also you would see the world through his eyes, and not your own. They say the best revenge is living well. Warn him to leave you alone, have that in writing. If it continues, contact the police for harassment. Be aware, anything you send, texts, emails, anything could also be used against you.
The good news is though, once they start with ruining and third party abuse (I have written a post on this topic) usually they are on their way out, might have already found someone new. But they dont like someone else treading on their sentimental property. Even if it isnt whaat they want anymore.