Every relationship that ends is difficult. Usually there is a reason for it, perhaps you are not compatible, or you didn’t get on, you wanted different things out of life etc. There are many reasons why relationships break down. Each party can feel more detached as they become more hurt in the relationship.
Why do we need closure at the end of a relationship?
When a relationship breaks down, we need closure to understand why? For there to be a purpose and a reason. We seek the question why, as we need to understand, so that we can:
- Ensure that the same thing does not happen again
- Understand why this has happened to us
- Is there anything that we did wrong that we can put right?
- What is wrong with me?
- Did you ever love me?
- Was everything a lie?
- Was anything at all true?
- Am I worthless to you?
You seek validations, reassurances, and closure from the sociopath, as this is the normal reaction. However the response that you are likely to get is:
- No answer at all
- Further lies and deception
- Further manipulation
- Misleading information
When you break up with a sociopath, depending on the type of sociopath, it can often come as quite a shock. If you have been dating a charismatic sociopath, it can be a total shock, as the sociopath would have portrayed the perfect person, all the way through. Damage would have been done behind your back, and even if you had been suspicious you would have been lied to and deceived some more, to convince you, that things were perfect. If you had dated the distempered sociopath (who is openly more narcissistic and emotionally abusive), your head has been clouded within the relationship.
A big question that we feel the need to ask is ‘why?’ To get closure. We want to understand what has happened to us, and why.
The sad truth is that with the sociopath, it is highly unlikely that you will ever get closure (at least not from the sociopath). Although the sociopath might pretend to you, that he will offer this, in time, when he is ready. This is a lie.
There are many reasons why you will rarely get closure from the sociopath.
- They like to retain control
- They do not like exposure
- They are secretive because of the above
- They do not think that they have done anything wrong
- In their own mind, they would prefer to shift the blame onto you
- If you take them back, you will still not get closure, because they have by now put on a new mask
- They often do not know why?
- They have a sense of entitlement that they can behave in that way
- They do not want to go over the past
The most important one of all, is that they like to keep control. By not giving you proper closure, they keep control. Even a sociopath who has suddenly discarded you without warning, will not give you closure. You would think that perhaps they might. They will pretend that they have every intention of giving you closure, keeping you hanging on. This gives them control over you whilst you are waiting for answers.
As the sociopath is the master of disguise and illusion, you likely want closure to understand what has happened to you. You are left with a feeling of disbelief, you need to understand why?
Most sociopaths have a lack of insight into their behaviour. They are unable to think of others needs, and therefore your needs. How and why you are hurting is not important to them.
Remember to a sociopath they think only
- What is in it for me?
If there is nothing in it for them, there is no need to give you closure. What benefit would it offer to them? It would only risk their two greatest fears:
- Fear of exposure
- Fear of losing control
Why do sociopath’s fake that they will offer you closure?
So, what is the point of pretending that they will give you closure, if they have no intentions of doing this?
There is one answer to this question:
The sociopath thrives on having control over his victims. When the relationship ends there is a risk that he will lose control over you. He might not want you anymore, and might even have a new source for supply. However, this does not matter to the sociopath. By retaining control over you, giving you false hope and allowing you to believe that he will offer you answers to why, and that eventually you can ‘talk’, it keeps you hanging on a string, and your own life on hold.
You feel that you cannot move on. That things are incomplete, deluding you into believing that things might change, or that this was just a mistake. The sociopath also gets dupers delight from conning you into believing that he will give you answers, and closure, but those answers will never be forthcoming.
So how do you get closure, to be able to move on with your life?
The best way to get closure from the sociopath, is to research and understand sociopaths. To talk to others who have also been through the same thing. Perhaps to get therapy with a good therapist who understands sociopathic behaviour.
To realise that what you have experienced is ABUSE, and it is not realistic to expect answers from your abuser. The sociopath has lied, manipulated and abused you in the relationship, and will continue to do the same once the relationship has ended, for no other reason, other than ‘they can’.
Often they will say nothing to you. Will stone wall you. Will put the phone down when you try to call, or derail you and feed you false information.
It can feel so painful, that not only were you abused in the relationship, but additionally if you expect closure from the sociopath, you are allowing him to abuse you further (and he will).
If I cannot get closure, what can I do?
- Use the internet to find as much information as you can
- Call up your old friends and family, try to find people that you trust
- Alternatively (or additionally), try to find victim support forums (there are a lot of them around, email me about this if you wish)
- Realise that just as the relationship with the sociopath was a journey, so will the ending be
- You will get closure, but not from the sociopath
- Closure will come from realising that sociopaths behave in a certain pattern, hearing other victims stories, you will see – that there is no logical answer. As this is not a logical mind that you have been dealing with. Talk to other people in the same situation, and you will be surprised, that you might feel that you have been dating the same man.
- Follow the steps in ‘how to recover from dating a sociopath’ and ‘establishing no contact’
Love yourself, and remember that these events, whilst right now will not make sense, one day you will emerge with closure, and all of the answers that you need. But these answers and closure, will never come from the sociopath!!