The one question that is often asked when you find out that the person you are in love with is a sociopath, is:
“Can a sociopath change?”
The short answer is NO.
It is important that we get the short answer of No, out of the way as quickly as possible.
No they cannot change. Currently there is no cure or therapy for sociopathy that has been found to work effectively. In fact, therapy, couples counselling etc, can make things worse, as the sociopath learns to sharpen their tools to manipulate. Therapy can make them more manipulative. If the sociopath is begging for another chance, and promising that there will be change, this is quite simply, A LIE.
The reason why they cannot change, is because they lack conscience. Which means that they feel no guilt, no remorse or shame for their actions. Not only this, but because of this, they are unable to learn from past experiences. A sociopath is unable to make future realistic plans in life, and is not goal orientated or focused.
- Lack of conscience
- Lack of genuine feelings
- Inability to feel remorse or shame for past actions
- Unable to learn from past experiences
- Lack of life plan and inability to make target focused goals to create a life plan
A sociopath might feign sorrow or apologies. And you, as the victim, after all of the hurt and pain you have been through, might feel relieved. After all, this is the news that you wanted to hear, that there will be change. You just want a normal relationship, with someone who doesn’t lie, cheat, betray and use you.
You reason that if a person feels sorrow for their actions, that they will learn that they have hurt you and will not repeat those actions again?
This is reasonable thought when making judgement about somebody who thinks with an ordinary mind. But it is not reasonable thought when making judgement about a Sociopath. A sociopath does not, and cannot feel genuine sorrow (Unless it is sorrow for himself).
They might feel sorry that they have done something which has reduced their source for supply, or that they have lost someone out of their life which is useful to them. But once they have regained your trust, and got their source of supply back, the acting ‘sorrowful’ will be gone.
A sociopath is unable to experience empathy, which means that a sociopath has an inability to feel how anybody else feels apart from himself.
Feigned emotions that are expressed are those that are learnt from other people. They are not genuine feelings or emotions. Remember that the Sociopath is a chameleon, They have the ability to be whatever anybody wants to see, if it serves their purpose.
Whatever he/she is doing or saying, to convince you there will be change, and is now sorry, is simply an ‘act’. It is all a drama play, and the Sociopath will act out whatever it is that he/she thinks that you want to hear. There is nothing genuine about it. And as soon as trust with you is won, he/she will return to the exact same person, with the same hardwired personality, doing the same actions as before.
The longer that you stay with the Sociopath, the more repetitive the behaviour will become. This is because they cannot change. They are manipulative and conning. They love to dupe and deceive you. They have little else of value in their lives. It gives them a rush of endorphins to manipulate and con you.
What might be genuine, is that when they claim that they do not want to lose you out of their life, this could be true. But it would not be because of love, it would be because you have further supply that they wish to use you for. Quite simply, you are useful to them.
If you are in love with a sociopath, and hoping that there will one day be change, and that things will get better, you are simply wasting your life. Any change will be temporary. It is an act that the sociopath will find it impossible to keep up.
Whatever it is that he/she has been doing, lying, cheating, stealing, causing drama, creating chaos, whatever destruction – the sociopath will soon (no matter what false promises are made) return to the same pattern of behaviour.
There is unfortunately no hope that this person will change, because they will not and they cannot. The hardwiring is in the brain.
You could waste years of your life ‘waiting’. The best outcome that you could wish for, is for you to love them unconditionally no matter what they are doing. To put up with their crap. However, this wouldn’t be a good outcome for you, as you would be denying your own needs.
At what point was the sociopath thinking about YOUR needs, YOUR welfare? ….. see? Never at any point. The Sociopath thinks about one person, THEMSELVES and what they can get from you. How you meet their needs.
Is this all that you are worth? Are you just someone to be used?
It is time to make the change, change you. Focus the love that you are giving externally, and give this to you. Be your own best friend. You deserve it… Because truly, the secret of true happiness lies within.
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170 thoughts on “Can a sociopath change?”
I can not express enough how much I can relate to your posts. You said, “The reason why they cannot change, is because they lack conscience. Which means that they feel no guilt, no remorse or shame for their actions. Not only this, but because of this, they are unable to learn from past experiences”. This is so very true. I have heard the apologies, seen the tears, heard the promises to change. All to have it happen over and over again. They feign understanding, but they do not understand. He even said (several times)…”I didn’t realize it at the time to be wrong, but now that I look back on it, I see how hurtful it was”. I call BS. He knew full well it was wrong to lie and betray or else he wouldn’t have hidden it from me. The fact is that he just didn’t care. He just wanted to do what he wanted to do and to hell with anyone else.
Yes, you are so right Katrina, I think that you do not get to the end of a relationship with a sociopath, without going through these promises for change a few times over.
Yet, without understanding the way that a sociopath works, and the way that their mind works, we fail to see that they are saying whatever they think needs to be said, to get what they want,
And that is what it is about, ‘to get what they want’. I think that when they make these promises for change, they are putting on a new mask.
I think that is why they tend to ‘forget’ what they have done in the past. They have put on a new mask and forgotten about past actions….
It will repeat again and again. This is the No1 burning question for me, ‘can he change?’,,,,,, it took me a long time to understand the answer was NO.
It’s not that they forget what they have done in the past. They never suffer emotional consequences because they don’t care. That is why they don’t learn from the past. There is no tragic feeling to remind them of how they made someone feel or what they lost before.
I sort of agree with this Dan. I think that they can care (if it affects them) however, they quickly recover, when they find someone else to use, and then how they were feeling, is quickly forgotten. They have short memories, lack long term planning, and live very much in the moment. They only care about what happens to them, how it affects them, and what is in it for them. Which is quite sad really.
You seem to know it ,answer for everything. I still say anything is possible for anyone. And no I don’t know any way. Smart a…
Why are you so angry? What are you angry about?
Sociopaths lack shame and humility enough to get them to want to change. If you realize the hurt to others, it brings about shame and in the realization of that hurt brings humility. They are not interested in realizing it is them, so they manipulate the environment to be you are weak, and shouldn’t be. They take kindness as a weakness. It is like a predator who sees a sick or injured animal. Their instinct is to manipulate that animal for their self indulgence. Do they feel shame or humility for doiing so? Of course not. It is survival. The sociopath lacks social skills amongst human beings; therefore resorts to animal social environments. I believe sociopaths, because of the nurture vs. nature argument depend on a more instinctual behavior, rather than a social one.
It’s not always like that. I’m not saying that you should believe the, but a sociopath can change. If you want to know if someone has really change, look at their actions, not words.
Wow…..i am… I feel hopeless…..cannot change
I firmly believe that they cannot change. This has been proven to me time and time again. I guess the burning questions for me are, “why?” and “what did I ever do to deserve this?”
I found the answer ‘why’ came much later…. and it was one I asked a lot.
And the answer ‘what did i ever do to deserve this’ ? I did ask this question a lot. But, when I realised that a) It wasn’t me it was them, and nothing I could change it this set me free. I realised that I could have been anyone. it was just, at that time I was probably a good target.
Today, am stronger….. and actually grateful for the experiences I have had (although I didn’t feel that way for a very long time)…. I met at least 2…. in a row!! ….
Ugh….thank you for pointing out what I refuse to see for the past two years. Well said and well timed!
Thank you, you are most welcome!!
This blog, is really how it is, not just from me. But from hearing many victims over the last 9 months, watching people go from victims to survivors. I realised that we all felt the same. We all experienced the same. We could have been dating the same person!!
In the process of leaving a sociopath, it’s very difficult for me…
Hi Jillian. Welcome to the site 🙂
Your blog makes it easier to accept that I’m not crazy.
You are not crazy!!!….. the person that you were with is crazy…. and what you have been through is crazy.
Am right there with you!! 🙂
My first true experience with what I would categorize as a sociopath. Wow….I have no words.
There are a lot out there Lisa!
Hey… I never asked to be like this… and to hear that I cannot change is such a hopeless feeling… can I even trust that feeling or will I just forgive myself and move on……..
But do you care anyway? A lot of sociopaths are quite proud of that, and have no desire to change anyway?
Thanks for this! The last part about loving yourself really hit home. I knew my ex was a sociopath but it is reassuring to know that he won’t change so that I can finally move on. The final straw was him lying about being in a car accident for sympathy when it turned out those marks on his face were from another woman. I knew then that I could not bear to find out how much lower he could stoop.
They don’t care. About anyone but themselves. They can’t change. They really can’t.It is just a repeat of behaviour over and over.
I split with my ex and we stayed ‘friends’ for a year afterwards. This is where I watched the repeated patterns of behaviour over and over. I saw how he would tell outrageous lies to cover – he would try to ‘manage’ his behaviour but was never successful. It is sadly, just the way that they are. Staying with them, you would see a repeat of the behaviour over and over. I was writing this blog – and he was reading it, yet he STILL did the same thing over and over, that has to tell you something?
Unfortunately they cannot change, it is to do with a trigger/wiring/ in their brain. They ALL do the SAME thing. Hearing story after story – could be the same person, same pattern of behaviour. That is because it is within the brain. Because of that, the way that things are with psychological therapy, there is nothing that can be done to help. I don’t know if they would want help either. As deep down, they don’t really see that there is anything wrong with them, it is a lack of insight, tendency to blame others. Not learning from previous experiences – it will sadly, never change.
i want to believe I was with a sociopath, but my brain tells me he was just the wrong guy. But all the traits were there. I want to tell myself that it was me that brought them out and now he has moved in with another woman and says hes happy working and doing all the things he never did for me but lie cheat take drugs and abuse me. He still tries to email me and even came to town and wanted to see his dog but I feel that was an excuse to just see where I moved.too. Can you help me please to realize who I was with..
Some of these comments are so mean. Taking away all hope for those that want help and want to change, It`s the same as telling a addict you can or wont ever stop using.
They can’t change kara it is in the brain.
You’re ridiculous. How can you tar everyone with the same brush. I have diagnosed and been diagnosed as a sociopath. I don’t like being one and I want to change, I just don’t know how. I’ve never known how to love, or hate or anything really. It’s a blankness of emotion, a complete numbness.
You’re a fool if you think we are all the same. Do you know how difficult it is to not care about anything? To even show a flicker of emotion? Everything has to be acted out. You have to permanently wear a mask so people do not think you’re crazy or become terrified of you.
You’ve probably had one bad experience with a man who clearly didn’t like you or have any interest in you. May have been due to your severe character defects. “It is to do with a trigger/wiring in their brain”. What so alcoholics who become dependent on alcohol, or drug addicts who can’t live without drugs, cannot change? Give me a break from your downright stupidity.
I’m trying to change and I will change. It is not up to you to decide whether or not I can.
Yes, my ex said that…. over and over…. thing was, he couldn’t really change.
Thank you for confirming what my intuition already told me. I knew from the beginning something was wrong, but I chose to go through the jungle of red flags to find myself feeling low just after few months of relationship. I wish I knew back then what I was getting myself into. It was my first and I hope the only experience with sociopath. I am still dealing with recovering from it. I managed to walk away few weeks ago. It is still not easy. Luckily for me, I do not introduce a supply for him anymore, and he is not trying to get back to me. I am on the opposite hand questioning my decision here and there if I should have given it more time. Thank you for this post. It definitely helps in the department of such doubts. I like the last part too. I am taking him as my lesson in self love.
Yes, and what a big lesson to have to learn, the self love part…. at least you are out, and there is no further damage being done to you, sometimes they are relentless on ruining and smear campaigns.
He tried to get back with text messages. He doesn’t know I know who he is. There was a slight temptation to answer the first text because it was written in the most perfect way to make me want to reply. What I did instead, I went online and read whatever caught my eye about sociopaths for several hours. Every day when I had a sad thought about missing something from the past with sociopath, I read again. I read so much. It helped to have zero desire to answer his second text. But what it also did, it brought out fear and I began to question my face in humanity. I know how to deal with fear, but the faith in humanity was not a problem for me in the past, I have no tools how to restore it. I don’t even know if I want to restore it at the moment. If there is one sociopath in every 25 people, should I even go to the amount of trust I had before. Positivagirl, was your faith in humanity low after experience with sociopath?
actually sociopaths can love. and care about other people i have mild Sociopathy. its just they rare they get very protective of the person, and wont hurt them. but its very few and far between when it happens. they tend to stick to family units too. and its not that we dont want to change its what we are. i lost ount of the people i have hurt before, and i hurt more than most people when a loved one dies, yes it mostly is upset for my loss not the person dying but it is still emotion. I had therapy and although it didnt do anything for my sociopathy, i now know what i am, and i avoid people so i dont hurt them, yes i still manipulate people if i get the chance, or when im bored, but i try to avoid those situations. some of the greatest war hero’s where socio[aths. that is what allowed them to send people to their deaths without having nervous breakdowns, in times of trouble we are needed and in times of peace we are scorned. we didnt ask to be like this.
Well that is an interesting reply Me. The post you commented on is ‘can a sociopath change’ …. well you did therapy and didn’t change. So…. I guess the answer is no.
As for people that you love, if you feel sad about someones death because of your own loss, not the death of the person, that isn’t really love, wouldn’t you agree?
As for the connection to family, isn’t that because they love you unconditionally and therefore put up with your behaviour? No matter what?
I am interested to know, who are your war heroes? I do agree, that you didn’t ask to be like this. But then, your victims didn’t ask to go through what they did either, this is your problem, not theirs. They, I think are therefore the true victims in this, not you. Wouldn’t you agree?
No, that Me guy is right. Sociopaths are capable of having love for family and maybe a few people outside of that. You have to realize that when anyone in your family dies, a big part of the sorrow you feel is the LOSS. That is why people say “sorry for your loss”. You are sad because you won’t see the person again. It’s not like they are suffering anymore. There may or may not even be such thing as a 100% genuine emotion. If you do something nice for someone it makes you feel good to have done something nice. Would you do nice things if they made you feel bad? It would be harder wouldn’t it? Sociopaths are sometimes capable of caring about a few people. I am on the autistic spectrum and have some of the tendencies you describe. Not a very emotional person, myself. I have done selfless things without expecting anything in return. I have also seen people cry and felt nothing at all. It just depends.
My boyfriend is I think. He does care about his family tho and he gets emotional but he behaves like a sociopath. He is verbally and physically abusive he half the time doesn’t admit his faults he says sorry but he does the same thing over and over again or justifies his bad actions. He’s very arrogant about everything he thinks he’s better than most people he’s also very disrespectful and doesn’t care how disrespectful he can be. He is very charming at first and caring that’s how I fell for him. He’s very easily irritated and have outbursts about simple things. He doesn’t like it when I point out his faults it’s very frustrating dealing with him. He makes me feel guilty for him behaving in such aggressive way claiming I pushed him to behave like that and that he never acted like this with his exs.We moved into the relationship very quickly he promised me a lot of things but unfortunately I can’t share a life with him. I just realized what he is I feel bad for him but I can’t handle all the stress and mental abuse he’s putting me thro. But he doesn’t lie he is faithful and he has few friends from high school and he is a family oriented person
You articles about Sociopaths have been a life saver for me ! I am so grateful of them..they have TRULY helped me out in this time of pain. I was with a sociopath for 13 months. Every description was him to a T! I wish there was a support group in my area. I am so tramatized by this all…i ask myself who I am daily to of let someone like him into my life, home, and around my children. Like Nica said I have lost faith and trust in all men. How can I ever believe a word one men say again? My ex started dating someone 4 months after me. She was 4 hours away and he kept her off his facebook. He was only caught because he added her before he left the country (he is milatary) and I noticed him hiding post from me and took off evidence of us down off his page. So I got the courage up and contacted her. He told her all the same things he told me. His apology was more like I am sorry i did this but this is how I always been..and I told you not to contact her..LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT! He has NO REGARD for anyone’s feelings but his own..everything began to fall into place and make sense after reading your articles.
Hi Maria, Thank you for your comment, and welcome to the site. It is very painful at first when the truth comes out. This is no reflection on you, and there was nothing that you could have done to change a thing. I know that the pain of discard is painful, unfortunately nothing you could say to his next victim would change a thing. Can you remember when you were in the relationship? When things were good, and you didn’t want to believe those red flags so you chose to ignore them and believe the sociopath instead? It is like that…. no matter what you say he would have made you out to be the crazy one – and in his own mind he would likely believe that it was all your fault…. even though – it isn’t. But believe me, he will do the same to her as he did to you. You are now free… take one day at a time.
This article could not be more true. 2 days ago I finally ended my relationship with my fiancé who is a sociopath. He used me & drained me emotionally, mentally, physically & financially. He is addicted to hookup dating sites and cheated on me with what I’m guessing to be is dozens of women in a year & half. He gave me chlamydia & thank god that can be cured with one pill…it could have been much worse. He met me when I was in a very low point in my life & took advantage of that. When I first found out about one of his affairs he promised it would never happen again and that he needed help and counseling. So we went to counseling, together & individually. He would come back and report to me that his counselor told him it was my fault he had cheated. I was devastated. I have been depressed, suicidal & suffered from severe anxiety for the last 7 months of my life because of this ba*****. I finally had my proof 2 days ago that he was cheating again. I will say I could write a book about the disgusting things he did and lied to me about…but just one story: I had surgery in January for skin cancer. I’m 25 and it was terrifying. I found emails on his account with pictures of his penis to other women dated back to the same day I had surgery. Such a low life. Praise god I’m out of that relationship! You can not change a sociopath.
Hi heather, thank you for the comments. Welcome to the site. Sounds like you have been through quite some experience. I hope that you find some understanding here. Do you have support for you?
Hi, yes I have been. I’ve got to be honest, yesterday morning I woke up crying. And within moments I realized I wasn’t crying for the loss of my fiancé, I was crying out of relief that the nightmare was over! Thankfully I’ve got a great support system of friends & family (who have all vowed to kill me before letting me even think of returning to the ex haha). I also am continuing to see my mentor/counselor once a week. On top of that I joined two small groups through church over the last week. One is a blended group of couples & singles. The other is a womens only group. I believe both will help me through all I’m going through. I’m blessed to have such great support.
As a sociopath myself i feel a lot of negative vibe here. Can you be in a lasting enjouable with me. Yes. I recently found out about my so called condition. No I don’t feel compassion for others No I can’t relate or feel things from songs. How ever I can understand all the emotions and know how they work. Its not that I want to copy these emotions. Its only the fact that I have to. How else can I relate to society. Think of it this way… you say good morning, how are you doing/feeling. You do so to be nice or show you care, but don’t really mean it. Thats how I feel about everything. Its like a game of chess. Only down side is I myself cannot tell the difference from a bad person or good persons. When I say bad good I mean personality wise. If it they look like a bad person or I see them doing bad stuff of course I know they are bad. Other words I’m not a good judge of characters. But I don’t cheat and lie. I tell the truth as I saw it or I might leave stuffout if not question about it.
Hey Vincent. Do you really believe that you are a sociopath if you don’t lie or deceive? And you aren’t a good judge of character? Sociopaths can read people very well (not held back by emotions so can read cues others who do have emotions cant see). I thought that all sociopaths were devious manipulative and deceptive. Do you really think that you are a sociopath? (I mean what you believe from what you read? Can you associate with it?)
From your perspective, if you don’t relate to or feel things from songs, for example, how do you feel about sex? Logically, since sex is essentially friction, it would seem one partner would be as good as another, if no emotional connection. Or, do you have degrees of “like” for individuals that influence that aspect? Some other measurement (usefulness to your purposes?)
I read this… And I truly wish this wasn’t real. I sit here wishing I can change my girl. Apparently the only thing changing was me. I became lost, I’ve isolated myself from my friends and family. I feel as though I don’t know what to do! My girlfriend has disrespected my family, and I’ve sat quietly by, defending her actions over and over again. I feel like a fool, but also feel like I can love her unconditionally. I feel as though her and I can move away get our own place and live happily, but I know deep down inside, it is just a nightmare waiting to happen. She’s gotten me so entangled in her web that I feel if I try to break free, my world will end. It hurts me so much that I’ve spent so much of my time with her just to now notice she’s a sociopath. I’m not even sure what to do… I don’t want to lose her…but if I don’t lose her, I’ll lose myself.
Hi tony welcome to the site. It is good that you are seeing the truth. You are realising that the option is you and her to the exclusion of all others including family and friends all the people that make you you. Or to leave her and be yourself. The truth is if you moved away it would be worse. You would not be able to make new friends. No one person can fulfill all of your needs. Nobody can do that. To be whole as people we need other people. Your friends and family are part of you…. Somebody who is right for you would fit into the whole of your life they won’t want to take you away from it.
As I was reading your message, my heart just aches for you. You are where I was with my sociopath ex fiancé before I left him over 2 months ago! (See my message from August 26, 2013). I can tell you with these people, it never gets better. For a year & half I waited for things to get better but they never did. I instead isolated myself away from loved ones & continued to defend & make excuses for why my ex is the way he is. I always said when we could afford it, we would move far away & the issues would stop…which is such a lie. I thought the only way it would end up if I tried to leave would be in my own suicide. I didn’t think I could live without him. I became dependent on a mentally ill man. But here I am, 2 months later & with pure genuine joy and peace in my heart, I can tell you that I’m FREE and no longer kept in bondage & life has moved on & moved forward! It was not the death of me that I thought it would but instead, it gave me new life!!! I forced myself to get out of my comfort zone & have gotten involved in a local gym & fitness classes where I’m discovering my mental & physical strengths and also at a church where I’ve found support & some great new friends who are so positive…my life has forever been changed because I left my sociopathic ex. Dig deep & find the courage to stand up & do the right thing for you. You sound like you know what you need to do. Hoping all the best for you.
I have recently ended a 10 month relationship with what I believe is a sociopath. I had no idea what I was dealing with…..whirlwind romance, declaration of love after 2 days (?!) which I found odd, but ignored. Wonderful, fun-filled times together – he couldn’t get enough of me for the first 3 months. The I felt a distance…a gut feeling told me there was someone else, and sure enough he was online on the dating site where we met, using an alias. When confronted he completely denied it; even swore on his daughter’s future! After several nights of denial, I finally told him I no longer wanted to see him and the day after received an email confessing he had gone back online, saying how wrong he was but he realized he’d now lost the only woman he ever loved. Stupidly I fell for it, ignored my principles and boundaries and let him back in. From that point, however, the trust was gone and despite trying so very hard, I could never get past it. While we were together (we live in separate towns, not far from each other) we got on fantastically well, but when we were apart I felt he was distant. I used to say so and he’d accuse me of being distant, not inviting him over and of seeing somebody behind his back. I most certainly wasn’t and couldn’t understand why he was accusing me of this.Meeting times were always on his terms-he used his kids (he’s a divorcee) as an excuse for not being able to set a day aside a day or evening in the week for me. We broke up several times but somehow I always missed him and would get back in touch. I took him home in the summer to meet my family (paid for his flight and most of the holiday). It was during this that he surprised me one morning by knowing the password to my mobile phone. I was amazed. He then dropped the bombshell that he had put spyware on my mobile several months earlier and had been reading all my texts, emails, listening to calls, logging numbers, had tracked my whereabouts with gps and had actually taken over my phone at one point to make a call as he had no credit. I felt sick. When he saw my reaction, he said he was only joking, but I know he wasn’t, and anyway, what kind of person would ‘joke’ about something like that? He boasted he had studied computer hacking too. He told me he visited my flat while I was at work one day (I never gave him a key but it’s possible he talked the watchman in to letting him in.) Again, he said that was a joke too. But joke or not, it plants a seed of fear, which is what I guess he wanted. I have nothing to hide, but it still put me on edge. He talked frequently of marriage. For months since I found out he was cheating, my gut told me to get out, but my heart was on a different page. Finally, three weeks ago, I told him enough and that I wasn’t happy in the relationship. I told him I couldn’t trust him and there was no point in continuing. Since then he’s posted pleas on FB with song links saying we were the perfect couple and what happened. He sent texts. I didn’t respond to any of it. As I was driving out of my flat at the weekend, I spotted his car and my stomach churned. He approached me with a huge bouquet of roses and declared his undying love for me and how I had changed his life (I have no doubt I did in certain areas.) He even asked me not to move apartment as he needed to know I’d always be there! I am moving in a few weeks, but didn’t tell him of course….just wonder if he has somehow got wind of it. However, he finished by saying, even if you move, I know you work at XXXX! My move will be done secretly and I just pray he doesn’t find out when or where. Ladies if any of you have tried to escape quietly, can I ask will he leave me alone or will he try to find where I live? I am absolutely maintaining no contact and trying to move on. I have a dear friend to thank for suggesting I may be dealing with a narcissist/sociopath, which is what got me to this point. It’s been an eye-opener and a huge learning curve, but I’m glad I got out before he did too much damage. This site has been truly helpful- so many great women with a similar story to tell, and in so doing helping others to understand and heal. Bless you all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this site. Wow, reading this makes me want to cry (okay I am crying). I have been trapped in a life with my sociopath for about 25 years. I consider myself a fairly intelligent human being – I knew something was not right with him, but I didn’t know what. Usually he is so charming with other people (not me though), has a great sense of humour and is the life of a party – everyone loves him! It makes you feel like there is something wrong or unlovable with you and makes you crazy!
I didn’t know what a sociopath was until last night when I found this site (among many). I saw something on Facebook and it made me look up the definition … it was then that I had that “aha moment”. Everything I had been living the past 25 years suddenly made sense to me.
I am 54, have 3 kids 18 and up, and work for my husband. I have told him I’m leaving him, but want things to stay normal until our youngest is done high school (end of 2014). What’s interesting is that I haven’t slept with him for about 12 years – it was my way of detaching emotionally from him and breaking the strong sexual chemistry I had for him, protecting my heart, and keeping some sense of self. I realized about a week ago that he really wasn’t going to change – I feel so stupid for being so slow at figuring this out 😦 Now to orchestrate my way out with minimal damages. I have a year to do it, wish me luck!
Hi and welcome to the site. You know you deserve a bravery award for staying in the relationship for 25 years!
If he is a sociopath, and you leave, and he doesn’t want you to, be aware that he will do everything that he can to ruin and destroy you. Whatever you have left of your life.
Welcome to the site. I hope that you receive good support here.
This. This I terrible. I am a sociopath. I have been left for it before and I have never wanted to “ruin or destroy” anyone For doing so. I find that the bashing of sociopaths is ridiculous. None of us asked to be this way. I just am. Would you criticize a man with no legs just because he lacks them? It go the same for my lack of emotion. I don’t recall ever having them yet people on this page continue to criticize for lacking them.
Why do you think that sociopaths are being bashed exactly? I have written this site, with the full knowledge of the sociopath who was in my life? So it’s hardly bashing…. it is just telling the truth like it is?
I have finally realized I am married to a sociopath. I have been emotionally, psychologically, and of recent physically abused by my husband. As a Christian I have clung to my vows….I am learning that I need to leave soon. My children deserve better. I am scared. This man has verbally threatened to kill me if I get between him and the kids. He has made comments that he doesn’t understand suicide but can understand taking the entire family out. He is active duty army. I do not want to ruin his career but I want to leave. I have been planning for years to leave but I am so stuck. I feel sorry for him. He has no family. Parents are dead. Estranged from siblings. I need support. This is scary.
Hi blueeyegal, the thing that lept out to me from your comment was
He has threatened to kill you
You do not want to ruin his career
You are stuck
You feel sorry for him
He has no family, parents, siblings….
First of all you have support from all of us here. This site is a wonderful community of support. I can honestly say this. Sometimes when I am not well, I cannot post (this is my site) commentors always offer warmth and support, and fantastic advice. You are not alone. I know that this is scary. He thrives on making you scared.
I want you to remember this
He manipulates using (fake) love
He uses fear to control you
He makes you feel sorry for him by playing victim
I want you to think of YOU and YOUR children. If he has threatened to kill you, please take this threat seriously. Do you have anyone in your life who you trust who can support you? (Or has he isolated you from everyone?)
You need to make a plan to escape, but this needs to be done in the right way. If he is violent, you need to know that violence WILL escalate if he thinks that you are making plans to leave him. Please call a domestic violence helpline for your area, I don’t know where you are, but if you google you should find a number. The people that work there, should hopefully allocate a worker for you. Try to be discrete, so that he does not know what you are doing or that you are planning to leave.
While it might seem like a big jump and a scary thing to do, you CAN do this….. and you are not alone. Even if it is just us here, we will support you. I promise that you can do this, and this can get better. Once I was so broken, I didn’t know how I would ever pick myself up off of the floor. I was so scared and felt so isolated and so alone. I couldn’t even face myself in the mirror I had been so psychologically abused. Today I write this site.
It might feel like the last place in the world that you want to go, to go to domestic violence shelter…. but…. if you have nowhere else that you can safely go to, it might actually save your life. Will give you and your children an opportunity for a fresh start so that you can be safe. Please stay with us, and keep posting. if you post your story on ‘my story and tell your story’ more members will see the post and will support you. You can also email me at email@example.com – please think of your safety. You and your safety and welfare and that of your children comes above his needs and the fact that his career might be ruined or he has nobody else, he has created this, not you. He is at fault, not you. I am sure that he also used your religion to keep you tied to him? It can take time, and it can be a scary process to go through….. but….. you could also start to see the sunshine, after living life under a fog of rain and misery and fear. It is time to love you, and love yourself.
I have been married to a Sociopath for 4 years, in the relationship for 7. We had dated long distance while in college, so not only could I not observe the bad behaviors that were masked the 3 days a month we saw each other, but any suspect behaviors with drugs, infidelity etc. I just attributed to typical college behavior that would die out. He was also diagnosed with depression, adhd, and others, so for a few years it was easier to have sympathy and patience since those diseases can be managed.
Since he has moved in, he has gotten worse and worse. Unable to hold jobs, from Web Cam sex sites to dating sites, hidden credit cards, addiction to drugs, claiming he is a premier drug dealer to the elite in our area, disappearing for a day or two to play video games, claiming he has diseases like brain lesions, etc. He is a perpetual liar but horrible at lying in the sense that I always catch him. He finally crossed the line last week when I logged into his email and found some pictures he had taken of my 12 year old daughter sleeping in her panties and a tank top. The cops won’t do anything because they said I might have taken the photos to get him I trouble, and that it is actually illegal for me to log into his online sites. So much for support and justice.
He has seen tons of therapists but always found reasons (lies) to quit, and apparently when he did go would only talk about his traumatic childhood rather than all of his destructive behavior. . After the pictures, I demanded that we go to a therapist together to ensure the whole truth was told. He tried to water down or justify actions and of course blame me: the pictures aren’t pedophila because my daughter is an adolescent. The dealing drugs was to help me work less so I could be happy, how dare I intwrfere. The marijuana and video games are his medicine, blah blah. The lies and stories he makes up are insane. How dare i call his work to verify he actually went to work-i am always “salting the earth” to torment him. On the dating site, he was telling women various grandiose stories–he’s an off Broadway producer, he’s a bikram yoga teacher, etc. I can see how he duped me with the same charm. He knew i was all about creativity, intimacy, and being charitable. For the 4 years of dating, he made me personalized gifts fro scratch on a weekly basis, the sex was all I could fantasize and more, and he did all types of community service and talked about his plan to offer pro bono therapy to troubled teens once he earned his psychiatry degree. Little did I know he was barely passing classes and that the sex would turn into 2 minute stints twice a year once he moved in. And all gifts gone too because he now forgets all holidays and our days.
We have an 8 month old baby together and I’m terrified because I’ve read aspd is genetic. For women posting here who were married and had kids with the sociopath, how are the kids today? My little guy is so sweet and innocent. He has already been exposed to our yelling and my anxiety. I can’t take another day of my kids hurting.
My oldest two despise him and want him out of our lives permanently. He had been sleeping in our car but it’s freezing now and supposedly all the shelters are full, so I’ve been letting him stay in the back room. Every day I just pray I get to move or that he commits suicide (as he often talks about doing when I kick him out). He says he will go into the military to get his act together, but I don’t see how he can pass the drug test or keep passing them. I feel we will never be rid of him. I want and need to know my little boy will be safe and happy.
He of course uses his usual script of how he wants to get help, there’s no point living if it’s not with us, he can never be with another woman, our safety is all that matters, etc. But once the urge comes–as it did yesterday when he lied that he had to work on a public holiday so that he could ‘escape’ and play video games all day–he has no hesitation to do it. Remorse and shame afterwards perhaps, but no foresight or control. I think he does regret being sick–from what I’ve read, there.is a spectrum from zero to some empathy, and emotional lability to true emotions. I don’t think he can change though since impulse control is too hard for him.
Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
Why do I lack empathy for other people and never feel bad for wrong doing, even though I’m not a sociopath? Example: if I see something on the News that’s tragic, I don’t feel sorry for the person or anything, I simply don’t care and get bored of hearing it – where as I’ve noticed that people around me will often talk in length about what other people go through, saying how awful it is etc — I can’t feel like that, I literally just don’t care whatsoever – I’m completely apathetic towards people’s misfortunes, and same if I’ve hurt someone, if that ever happens I just consider it as a “necessary evil” to get something.
However, on the flip side I do worry about my own consequences which I cannot control (example prison) – hence I don’t kill or use violence, I’m also very good at planning ahead; I don’t get bored all the time like sociopath’s do and I can cope quite happily on my own when I don’t need people, whereas sociopaths, based on what I’ve read, can’t ever be alone and hate it.
Are there “levels” of sociopathy or is it just that some people have similarities with them, but are not? My ex girlfriend in an argument once called me a “heartless psychopath”, but other than that, all I’ve got to go on is what I’ve been reading online – and it got me thinking.
Hi Adam, yes there are varying degrees of sociopathy. Just as everyone in the population everyone is different. A lot of sociopaths do share common traits, but not all of them (like for example, many are unfaithful) but I have dated ones that were not unfaithful. The parts that do leap out to me that you say are you are
– Lack of empathy
– You get bored hearing about other people (this is an indication of a low tolerance threshold for boredom)
– If you hurt someone you just see it as a necessary evil to get something (you use people)
– You view life as to how it affects you, and the consequences for yourself
– You likely don’t get bored as you keep your brain active and occupied
– Not all sociopaths are violent. Many sociopaths are not violent at all, and not even agressive (unless they feel they are losing control and then they rage and threaten)
Someone can have sociopathic tendencies….
I think I’m dating a sociopath and I don’t know how to get out. We’ve been dating for almost two years. He’s abusive, an alcoholic, and a compulsive liar. Of course I had signs early on, but I ignored them because I wanted to believe things would get better. He is good at making me feel sorry for him. He lies on a daily basis and had starting cheating on me… Of course somehow that’s my fault too! I can’t do anything right and he’s constantly yelling and belittling me. He needs constant attention, he talks incessantly, and has no regard for my feelings. He also has no tolerance for listening to me. Our conversations are completely one sided. They aren’t even really conversations, it’s more like he just wants to hear himself talk and wants me there to listen. I just feel like I’m living in constant chaos and it’s starting to effect my physical health. I wish I could realize that he won’t change and finally get him out of my life.
Hi, great post. Certainly helps to put things in perspective. I am in a difficult situation myself. I have recently come to the realisation that my ex from a year ago, is in fact a sociopath. The problem for me is that she was not only the most wonderful person I had ever met, but also attached herself to my family. In our 14 month relationship she became part of the family. As for myself, it was my first serious relationship, my first love if you like. I am 23, have always been shy, but I am also very athletic and tend to get a lot of attention from girls(who claim I look like Ryan bloody Gosling, which I understand is the biggest compliment I can get ha). I was always so focussed on my sport that I never knew how to talk to girls until I met my ex. She was so bubbly, probably the smartest girl I have ever known and ultimately she made me feel so loved and special. She simply would not leave me alone and I found myself becoming attached to her more and more each day. For 12 months things were great. She was practically living with me, we had a brilliant group of friends and I was happy. As for my ex her background was different. She was an only adopted child, born out of an affair, never met her real parents and had really nice adopted parents. She was studying here in the UK after leaving the US, (running away from problems) and when she met me she had recently just split from her current boyfriend. The signs were there, I just could not see them behind her amazing character and personality. So after 12 months she ends up having an abortion. It was hard but we went through it together, I supported her decision as it was unplanned and unexpected. I felt I had to be strong for her. A month later, she vanished out of the blue. She said she needed space etc. It was not me, it was her etc. I was devastated but had hope it would work out. She gradually stopped contact, bit by bit. And a month later she was gone and I was left alone. She continued to party and hang out with mutual friends while I struggled to move on and accept what had happened. Then within 2 months, she had a new boyfriend. I could not believe it. He was not her type, from things I had heard he was a bit of a vile character, and since meeting him I can confirm this. I forced myself to move on, I kept blaming the abortion and seeing that as the reason why she did this. Then eventually, all the truth came out, she had cheated on me, lied and been a coward and simply screwed me over to put it bluntly. Then I found out the extent to which she had slept around. It was horrifying. One bit of comfort was that she cheated on me just once, then 3 days later is when she called for a break, the guy was a 30 year old womaniser as well and also claimed to be my friend. I forced myself to continue to blame the abortion for her irrational behaviour. This included unpaid parking fines, neglecting close friends, and quitting uni for the second time (despite being a straight A student!)
Now the situation is still messed up. Her current boyfriend pointed out these flaws to her and left her. She has crawled her way back into my life and is using my house as a base. I thought it was a chance for a fresh start, talking with her online and by text, it seemed like the old her, but as soon as she arrived last week I could see she was just taking advantage of my good nature. She told me ‘she does not want to hurt me again, I am the nicest guy she ever met, she deserves to be punished and that she is a broken person who no longer cares.’ She even diagnosed herself as a sociopath. Since she said this last week I have looked up the term and come to the realisation that she was telling the truth. I have been convinced I could help her and save her. I still love her despite these things, I can’t help it. She does not stay at the house. She has travelled to see her recent ex twice now, I assume because she was broken up with, she can’t take the fact that she has lost control. She made me feel so happy and loved and so attached to the wonderful person she used to be. I want to help her, but she acts totally indifferent again now that she is back. I even saw her making out with another guy second night back here. I don’t know what to do any more. I know what I should do I guess, but it is doing it which is the hardest part. I don’t want to lose her and am not ready to say goodbye.
The person you are seeing now Sam, is sadly the real person. They can be charming and charismatic when they want to be – but there is something in their mind that flips – usually when they feel that they are losing control. It becomes an absolute nightmare 😦 I am sorry you are hurting
I stumbled across this site in hopes of seeking some unbiased 3rd party opinions, though it appears everyone here is adamant in saying there is no possibility of change and despite having previously been in a 2 year relationship with a narcissist myself and having the very same knowledge from experience I still find it exceedingly hard to take a more head less heart approach in my judgement, which is unusual; reason being that I myself do have a few distinct sociopathic tendencies, (I’m not claiming to be a sociopath, I’m only talking about the attributes associated with sociopathy) but I’ve never been able to understand exactly how it works considering most of my reactions are consistently inconsistent, usually falling at either end of the extremes. I am able to feel empathy (hear me out)… And it is genuine empathy, but only when another person is experiencing emotions or battling a situation i myself have experienced. This is the case a lot of the time because my unusual upbringing did allow for a broad range of painful emotional responses in which I believe a lot of people instinctively shut out from memory as a coping mechanism, and apparently I didn’t get the memo (still undecided whether that is a good or bad thing). Instead I think I retained the ability to non selectively channel out emotion with logic if I couldn’t genuinely empathise, but became more sensitive to others pain when I could directly relate. To clarify what i mean by more sensitive, I’m referring to my, again, non selective ability to actually feel the underlying emotion causing them distress overcome my mind and my body; worthlessness and helplessness were all too common, and the toll it took on my own capacity to process feelings became too overwhelming during early adolescence when I discovered a somewhat cynical outlook on how people reacted and despite simultaneously feeling sad and sympathetic of their situation I would subconsciously think to myself (even baring the knowledge of blinding those emotions can be to your sense of reality) that they should man up and push through because crying never helped anyone (even though I know most of the time if the roles were reversed I would probably be in a similar way). Then when I realised what I had just thought in that moment I would feel so horribly guilty that the guilt almost consumed my very essence of being.
But all the while I maintained the ability to manipulate any person or situation in a meticulously planned manner in order to further myself, though it was never with malicious intent, i knew there were lines that shouldn’t be crossed and I kept behind them. Though I was aware of what I was doing, and I didn’t necessarily feel right or okay about doing it, I instinctually continue to manipulate and play on people’s weaknesses, but unlike what I gather from most people with sociopathic tendencies, i would consequently punish myself more harshly with my own guilt and shame than any other perceivable punishment. I can also read people very well, without a lot of effort, and I’ve found I can often pinpoint exactly how someone is feeling and the underlying reason even if it is something seemingly small and irrelevant because I can directly relate to the deep roots where the emotional thought processes originate from, and how those reactions can be initiated by even the slightest trigger that few else even consider, and I can understand the raw uncontrollable unreasonably emotion because whenever I felt those extreme emotions I would analyze what is was that triggered that reaction as a defence mechanism to protect myself from feeling that way again by recognizing the triggers and eliminating myself from situations with the potential for those triggers to arise, because I didn’t feel as though I was strong enough to carry those emotions despite my analysis allowing me to see the logical side which would hold the potential to dramatically reduce the emotional response. I can also be a fantastic liar when I want to be and sometimes forget lies that I have told because they tend to mould in with reality and occasionally I have a momentary lapse of reality and believe that they are true, when I evidently forget to compartmentalize reality from my fabrications (a lot of which were constructed in early childhood, often used as a method of gaining sympathy, validation or attention from others to compensate where it lacked); but surprisingly enough, the lies that weren’t constructed to seek sympathy were only a valid alternative for the truth when the purpose was to protect another’s feelings from being scorned unnecessarily, and to prevent inflicting inadequacy on anyone else.
I feel as though I subconsciously jump from one extreme to the other in a vicious cycle, and its a rare occasion when my instinctual reaction falls somewhere in the realm of norm but when it does happen, I finally feel relief, however brief it may be.
I’m hoping that gives you an idea of where my head is at so when I explain the dilemma I am having it may not be as confusing. And sorry for the ridiculously long post, soon to be longer, but I feel like there’s no point asking unless I cover all bases there’s no point asking for advice.
My current situation is as follows:
I’ve been with my boyfriend who’s 24, (I’m 19) for roughly 8 months. He is charming and charismatic, intelligent, funny, athletic, hugely popular amongst his friendship group, known for initiating confrontational interventions on behalf of the group (basically the one who will say what everyone is thinking regardless how harsh it may be) and has a smile that could weaken any heart. He took me by surprise when he came into my life as I was at a point where I was content being single and taking care of myself but there was this undeniable connection from the minute we met. Although it took a long time and I thought I was being careful, i somehow found myself with my guard down and my heart in his hands, and it felt an unfamiliar feeling which I’ve since determined g be love. So I’m in love with him. Id never felt so sure about anyone or anything before, and for the longest time I didn’t have a doubt in the world. I trusted him, and he gave me no reason not to, and I was in awe.
since then the barrier has slightly lifted progressively over the past 3 months. He started letting his guard down, and I started noticing little things here and there that sparked red flags, such as canceling last minute, which progressed to disappearing for a day or two with no communication when we had made plans prior and no cancellation or explanation was offered. The first time it happened I was a little hurt and a bit confused as to how or why someone would handle that situation in the way that he did, or whether he even thought about my feelings when he was off doing god knows what, leaving me wondering what could have happened to him, worried and sad and helpless. Even though when he finally returned back to reality and called me appearing to be extremely sorry, offering me what felt inadequate yet still a reasonable excuse my gut would give me a bit of a kick, telling me to dig more, I decided to let it slide; after all I had no reason not to believe him. He explained he didn’t realise i would be worried or upset, why he would think that I couldn’t for the life of me even begin to understand, and so we had quite a lengthy discussion so i had the chance to thoroughly explain what it was about that situation that I didn’t like and why, but he was still admittingly confused, so I tried several other ways until I figured that whether he was thinking about it with his head or his heart there was no way anyone could possibly not understand it after I had laid it on the table as plain as day. After concluding that he had a slightly clearer understanding post conversation, i decided to let it go and move on, because we all make mistakes blah blah blah. This was until the following week when it happened again; flaking on plans and then suddenly uncontactable for a long period of time. I was even more distraught this time because it was only a week ago that I had explained that him doing that was really difficult to cope with. I spent almost 20 hours in limbo before finally receiving a message saying that he needed some time to himself because his life was falling to crap and that it had nothing to do with me or our relationship and assuring me he would call me later that evening. Now 9 out of 10 times I can totally understand the need for down time and I respect that wholeheartedly, and I complied with his wishes for as long as I could in anticipation of the promised phone call which never came. I felt hopeless, and stuck and not only was he unreachable, but my other friends seemed to all be too busy despite my countless efforts to put forward the seriousness of the circumstances (which included excessive amounts of prescription medication, alcohol, and various other methods of self medication) as I was going through an extraneous personal crisis more emotionally distressing than any I had encountered and for the first time felt my independence and control over my own life being ripped from my hands, which I found to be so overwhelmingly that I felt my only option was to seek solace in the only person who made me feel safe. I sent a multitude of messages, and called persistently with no luck. I sent him messages and left voicemails expressing the urgency of the situation, and I was quite evidently distraught. A stunt of this extremity is a very uncharacteristic thing for me to do as I never usually accept help, let alone ask for it. I assumed being as close as I thought we were; that he would know that it must have been important if I was calling that much, especially as I was uncontrollably crying for the majority of the voice messages. I couldn’t help but see that on his facebook it said he was active on Facebook mobile, leading me to assume that he had his phone and he must have read the messages and still chose to ignore me, which only hurt me more to think he knew how much pain I was in but didn’t care.
Now might be a good time to throw in that both he and I have previously had history with crystal meth use in the past, but as far as I knew he had kicked the habit and taken control of his life again and I the same. But having been exposed to all sorts of people and seeing the affects this type of drug can have on people I couldn’t help but notice the fact that although having not replied to my messages for close to 30 hours (in which time I attempted to overdose, but was interrupted by a concerned friend, whole nother story) he had been active on Facebook all night, which had been more common in the past couple of weeks and I came to the paranoid conclusion that he was probably on a meth binge and fell into a trance and due to the drugs he didn’t care to respond because he was too numb to recognize emotions. It wasn’t until 46 hours had passed that I received a phone call from him, apologizing profusely but struggling to understand the reason I was so upset. It became apparent then that he hadn’t seen or heard all of my cries for help, which I found to be a relief but the empty pain in my stomach remained. I was furious and hurt and didn’t refrain from making that known, but his response was to go into detail justifying his disappearance and how it was inevitable because his close friend was suicidal, which is the type of thing one would hope isn’t an extreme lie in order to save their own ass and though little facts here and there indicated it might have been; to this day I could neither confirm nor deny the truthfulness of that story, I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt again and after a lot of talking and crying I forgave him, with the clear warning that if he ever did that again I was not going to stick around to hear the end of it.
And I tried, but no matter how I tried to keep justifying it to myself I couldn’t move past it because i found the recurring look of confusion in his eyes, even after hours of discussion a bit bizarre seeing as i had already had to resort to explaining my feelings and opinions in such simple terms even a child would understand and couldn’t fathom there being any different methods of explanation that I hadn’t tried.
Despite the fact that he has been very open with me about his own sociopathic tendencies from day 1 (he never used that reference), it took some time for me to realise that they were indeed sociopathic tendencies not just unfamiliar emotions. When I began to make the link I started seeking to understand and did my research before later confronting him. His reaction was what I found truly perplexing though. He admitted he had seen a psychologist when he was 16, who had told him he had attributes that weren’t necessarily considered to be ‘normal’, and proceeded to tell me how he turned those meetings into into a game, manipulating the psychologists perception of him in order to be cleared as stable to get out of attending the sessions. There were plenty of stories that were similar, where he confessed to playing with people’s emotions for entertainment.
I remembered then that I had accidentally recorded a video from when I was in that ‘state’ I was in a few days prior, and even though I experienced the intensity of the emotion at the time, the video managed to capture something that even made me feel something I hadn’t before felt. His reaction was nothing like I could have anticipated. I looked into his eyes and saw a pain that I don’t think he had felt before. It is extremely hard to describe the moment that followed, but I could feel a desperation from deep within him reaching out, almost like a desperation for humanity; to feel and to understand because he never wanted to inflict that pain again.
I felt like that moment in conjunction with his self proclaimed will to one day understand and one day feel what I feel gave me a sense of purpose and passion that I hadn’t felt in years.
But as if that wasn’t enough, further into the day after various moments of silence; both of us deep in thought, I found myself watching him allowing me into his head, confessing his fear of one day doing something that hurts someone so much without even being capable of realizing that what he was doing was wrong and having no control whatsoever because those qualities are a part of him. I could feel the vulnerability he felt in that moment; sitting there stripped down to the core with his most pent up fear now out in the open, in the palm of my hands, for me to do with what I like.
You’d think that would be the perfect time to run away, right?
Much like most of the people who’s posts I have read, I didn’t run away, well I won’t run away (present tense) because although I know that scientifically the odds are against me, and there is an extremely high chance I will get hurt and you don’t have to reiterate how hard it is to get past because believe me, I know; but I can’t shake the feeling that there is this light in him that is yearning to be let in and perhaps i could help him let that light in and save the humanity he still holds.
Despite how incredibly long and most probably tedious that was to read, that’s basically a brief summary of where I’m at currently and I’d really like to hear some open minded opinions or advice because although I don’t think there’s much anyone could say to deter me from perusing this crusade, if anyone has any insight into someone who might have shown similar signs that could give me something to work with I appreciate any input.
I’m so happy I found this site, like many others here I also thought I was going crazy, until I discovered the father of my daughter is actually a sociopath. We have been separated for a year now , we were together for almost 7, have a child together and it truly is exhausting dealing with him at this point. I fear for my daughter because I read somewhere they can already have this in there genes and I know he will try to consume her with hate. Before I realized and researched this condition , I honestly thought he was possessed by satan or needed an exorcist , I was depressed I was so emotionally damaged and I could not understand how someone could do such horrible things to anyone. I kicked him out the house when I discovered he was cheating , he was disgusting n cold and brutal, as if he hated me, I’m not perfect but I was a good woman to him and the way he treated me was as if I was his biggest enemy. I would cry and he would just stare at me emotionless and cold. When I was delivering our child he was in the delivery room and I remember crying while in labor because he was so cold, I almost died giving birth and my daughter almost died as well and i remember he just was emotionless. I was devastated and I was severely depressed always I couldn’t understand why I deserved this and I stayed because I kept hoping he would change , I always knew he was a liar and a manipulator and he was horrible in ways that were mentally and emotionally cruel , he blamed me always and I accepted the blame and was constantly changing the way I spoke, who I spoke to and my personality completely changed. I became angry and we would fight constantly, he enjoyed watching me suffer. I thought once we had a daughter he would try harder to keep our family together but he got worse. When I kicked him out my daughter was 7 months old and I had my 6 year old from a previous relationship, I was a stay at home mom and my kids were my focus , money was tight but normal couples would have found solutions or worked through it, he refused to work things out, left me with all the bills and just didn’t care at all how me and the kids would survive. At that point I didn’t really care he met someone else I just couldn’t comprehend how a human could be so cold and not an ounce of empathy or remorse or concern even for his child. I thought he was so in love with this new person that he was just being an ass to impress her or prove something to her but deep inside I knew something was wrong with him. He made up stories about being mistreated in his childhood about how his mother abandoned him and sent him to haiti as a baby, and I felt empathetic and sympathy for him even though he was destroying me, I didn’t know once again he was manipulating me. He almost made me go crazy, he made me feel like I was the problem like I was delusional, for 7 years he tortured me emotionally and did things to my self esteem and mental state that i often wonder how I made it . He was brutal with his mind games, lying all the time even when he got caught. During my pregnancy his distance and coldness was clear, but I always thought I could change him. I loved him and he knew this , he milked it till the very end. He abused my kindness and broke my heart over and over and then would temporarily repair it and do it over and over again. It wasn’t his infidelity that hurt me , it was the horrifying lies and mind games that almost drove me nuts. I remember I was so hurt that he didn’t comeback after I kicked him out , and scared because I had no income and 2 kids to support and had to move back with my parents, he didn’t care and the more he behaved like he didn’t care the more I became depressed. I left my kids with my mother and locked myself in my apartment and had a nervous breakdown , I shut myself off from everyone for 2 days and I literally cried for 2 days, I was distraught and confused. After everything he had put me through and the way I stood by his side and was faithful, I needed help, I almost committed myself to a mental institution because I was emotionally beaten, I didn’t because i thought of my kids. I eventually moved back to my parents because I was going to be evicted for not paying rent and I couldn’t find a job fast enough to even try to pay it. When I did move out he pretended for one day to actually have emotions and pretended he never ment for it to happen this way but by day 2 he was just fine. He has multiple personalities and he’s a charmer and he is a very good actor in front of people or tries to be. I was always curious why he hated going to family functions or to parties with my friends, and now I know the reason is because , he knew I was I love with him and he had me fooled but it would be much harder to convince or act infront of my loved ones because he knew they were observing him or would calculate his every move in order to make sure he was a good guy. He’s a horrible person and maybe if I was remotely even close to being like him I wouldn’t think much of how horrible he is but I’m genuinely a good person I try not to hurt people and if I do it’s a mistake and I try never to do it again. He claims we bring out the worse in each other , but I know now he was the poison not me. It feels so good to know the truth about him and it’s scary because we have a daughter together and he uses her to continue playing mind games, and because I’m human he succeeds in dragging me into his miserable ways, and I react exactly like he planned, I have done my research now and as much as it hurt to admit I was sleeping with a sociopath every night not knowing it, I now feel relief because there was nothing I could have done to save our relationship and now I no longer dwell on being a family or that he has moved on. My struggle isn’t over because we share a child, and he is irresponsible and spiteful, and still tries to manipulate me and scare me but I’m doing research and learning about his illness and I keep my distance as much as possible and pray he disappears. I feel pity for the woman he’s with now because she has no clue the monster she’s dealing with ,he not ur typical asshole guy he’s actually a sociopath and she’s his new victim. If anyone knows ways for me to continue co parenting with him , please give me some insight on how to deal with it. My advice to people that have walked away without children with a sociopath is be thankful you dodged a bullet and don’t look back, I wish love hadn’t been so blind but all the red flags were there I just refused to see them, or really thought I could help him. But now I know he’s unfixable. You can’t make someone have a conscience or a heart. He loves no one but himself, he doesn’t even love his daughter and one day she will see it herself and this is her story. I’m now rebuilding my life brick by brick at a very slow pace but each day I get better and stronger and wiser, he’s a part of my life that I wish I could erase but I can’t, I used to reminisce about our very few happy moments and that’s what kept my wounds exposed and vulnerable to him , but now I look back and I know it was all phony and fake and somehow those memories no longer affect me. I managed to escape him , and at that time I thought us breaking up was the end of the world , now I see it as a blessing in disguise, I will never ever ever fall for his sob stories or entertain his tales and webs of lies and painful sadistic comments, he could beg til his knees bleed out and I will never go back to him nor forgive him. I notice when he gets no reaction from me he pokes and pokes until he finds a weak spot to hurt me , I know that will never stop but I can ignore him now because I know he’s never going to change. My goal is to eliminate all personal conversations and not let him get inside my brain ever again. I don’t hate him but he’s someone I want far from me. Thank you for reading my story. Ps if u feel in ur gut something is wrong, it is, so walk away and don’t let it get any further. I wish someone had warned me, I’m sure they did I just didn’t listen.
Hi welcome to the site. I don’t know if that is true that he would try to consume your daughter with hate? I understand how that feels to have a difficult birth and you and your child almost die and he is emotionless that empty blank stare. This happened to me too, only our daughter did die. He left days later as If nothing had happened. He was dead and empty inside. Even slept in the bed next to her cot…. As if that was perfectly normal. Abuse often escalates in pregnancy and then when you are tied to them with a child. They have you captured. I understand all that you say. Not just from one relationship but from 3 in a row. Yes I too really relate about the reluctance to be with other people as they might see through the facade. But also… It is a way to isolate you from people. So that he had full control over you. Thank you for sharing your story. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I have been there too.
I have to disagree with you. I was a diagnosed, self and by a therapist as being a sociopath. And while I believe that in a relationship, if there is domestic violence or emotional abuse, that it is unfair for the victim. However the claim that a sociopath cannot change is incredibly untrue. A sociopaths emotions of guilt and empathy have not yet developed. But as soon as they get the realisation and/or have these emotions develop, it means that they have been cured. The reason the medical treatment has not been determined is due to the fact it is incredibly difficult to determine if they are a sociopath, because sociopaths are liars. It’s not an opinion, as sociopaths have these symptoms. And so is the fact that sociopaths can change. Sociopaths simply haven’t developed enough, or have had some form of change in their mindset. Sociopaths have a bad name for a good reason, but the fact that they can change is sound.
I am currently in a relationship with a woman that I suspect is a sociopath. I see so much of her personality in the traits listed that it’s scary. Even worse, I see myself. I don’t know if that is normal. She mentioned several times to me, early on that my body language doesn’t match my emotion. Now I can clearly see that the things I’ve been doing (love-bombing, making promises etc) are only reinforcing the sociopath label she placed on me. She exhibits different traits though. Always angry and demeaning unless she wants something. Never being on time for dates, teasing me sexually with no intention of following through. Is it possible for the sociopath to cause these symptoms to show up in another? How can I tell if I’m a sociopath or just reacting to her’s?
I notice most of the comments are from women. I am a man, and have been in a 4 year relationship with “one!” I have a 2 year old with her, that she lost when she had to go to rehab, ( Court ordered!) She was still married when she met me so technically our baby is still his, and I am not allowed visits as I am not considered ” family.” ( I know you girls are thinking IF the baby is even yours, but she’s my spitting image, IDK!) This has destroyed me. One question I wanted to ask, She is a drug addict! Can the sociopathy be a result of the addiction, thus removing the sociopathy by removing the addiction? Or is addiction a result of the sociopathy? Sorry bout my spelling ladies! Very curious!
Hi Brian. Absolutely there are female sociopaths. I just wrote early posts that way as it was easier to write and read.
My question had more to do with if sociapathy can be a result of addiction, and if so if you eliminate the addiction, can you therefore eliminate the sociapathy? Or is addiction just a result of the sociapathy, and therefore useless to try to treat?
I think that sociopathy can’t be a result of addiction, but sociopaths will often get addicted to drugs as they react to them differently. If you eliminate their craving for either drugs, alcohol or sex or even lying to others for entertainment, I guess it can be cured. I feel like sociopathy can develop from traumas and severe pain, that it makes you feel like a different person and you can’t trust anyone, so they develop the need to work on themselves and learn many things. I know a sociopath, he knows all the countries and their capitals, many cities and he knows random numbers and facts and things that would take an average person months to learn. As there are many degrees of sociopathy, they should be able to move between them with the help of a person to show care to them so they would eventually get attached to them. They do feel feelings, but its either a lot of it or nothing, they can develop feelings for certain people they have known for all their life, for example they would feel some sympathy towards their parents or a really trust worthy friends. Once a sociopath cares for someone, the person can help them learn from their mistakes and explain guilt. Of course in some cases, they are born with it and it would be so severe they would be very antisocial and wouldn’t let anyone in, probably making their condition even more severe.
I understand what you are saying. But no, a person who cares about them and understands, couldn’t really help them too much long term. I understood and when I returned the last time, he knew who he was, but the insecurity, paranoia and need to control returned again. I do agree with you that often it is linked to a previous trauma, often in childhood, I saw this too.
There are degrees of sociopathy. The behavior can be curbed if the sociopath or the person with signs of sociopathy, works on those behaviors. But it requires a lot of work on part of the person. I wouldn’t count on it until after there is a good track record of remission, and relapse is always possible. It’s a mental disease that can be treated, yes, but needs full coop from the sick . But the nature of it is that they rarely will be aware they have the problem and rarer that they will stick out curbing it, usually needing intense treatment. Sometimes the sociopath is a loved one, a family member you can’t just quit like a relationship which can be.
a friend just recently told me that I am a psycopath by the closest thing I have to a friend so I have been researching and found it to be true….i have always known I was different from everyone I have ever met…since I was little I have always been smart academically and also very cunning(never met anyone I couldn’t deceive or manipulate), I could do anything and get away with it, I also know that I never had a conscience since I knew myself, I do anything I want to do just because I can, I feel that everyone around me is stupid and moving in slow motion….i am a pathological liar, I cant even remember ever telling the truth when questioned about something and I am such a good liar that I never get caught…I cant love, I have always thought that love doesn’t exist but I guess I feel something for my immediate family but dont give a shit about anyone else, I dont ever have relationships, I cant stand someone knowing the real me, I portray different characters to different people and people love me because I am charming and smart….i love being alone because I am very secretive, I usually do things for fun….i steal for fun(not that I need it, I steal because I can and to prove to myself that am smart and can never get caught….i usually throw the stolen thing away and enjoy seeing the victim suffer), I lie for fun and I never forget a lie so its impossible for me to get caught, I manipulate people like a puppet, I can put up any facade I want but I am very reserved and observant, I know most people more than they know themselves…I love horror movies, I always root for the bad guys in movies…I just recently discovered that I am a psychopath as well as a sociopath and I am ok with it…that has been who I am before I found out the name of my condition and I think I am actually proud of it….i am smarter than everybody I know, I do what I want without ever getting caught, I never get bored(I make sure of that because I hate being bored), I dont have any emotional attachment so what there not to be proud of…..and all those claiming to be able to spot the characters of a psychopath so easily…I’ll have to disagree because a true psychopath is so good at masking his true self..and pretending to be what he wants you to think that he is so I have come to the conclusion that most of you are mistaking an asshole for a psychopath
I think if you read this site you will see that I have it bang on!! So you lot can’t be that good at hiding. Must be tough being emotionally mute though. I would find that boring.
As I said initially…..i only started the research when asomeone called me one(though jokingly tho because he knew of my fear of relationships or commitment) I had to make a post describing myself and what I have come to terms with as a psychopath after reading some bullshit stories about people getting used by assholes and claiming that they are psychopaths and I think that there is a fine difference between an asshole and a psychopath…there is one other thing people have to know and that is this world would not be able to function without psychopaths in it…..and if someone is stupid enough to get manipulated by us…its their fault and not ours…..I manipulate people because they let me(i am into web scams) and to be kinda truthful I av met people smart enough to see right through my bullshit…but if your not smart enough that’s in no way my fault
As I said initially…..i only started the research when someone called me one(though jokingly tho because he knew of my fear of relationships or commitment) I had to make a post describing myself and what I have come to terms with as a psychopath after reading some bullshit stories about people getting used by assholes and claiming that they are psychopaths and I think that there is a fine difference between an asshole and a psychopath…there is one other thing people have to know and that is this world would not be able to function without psychopaths in it…..and if someone is stupid enough to get manipulated by us…its their fault and not ours…..I manipulate people because they let me(i am into web scams) and to be kinda truthful I av met people smart enough to see right through my bullshit…but if your not smart enough that’s in no way my fault
Typical sociopath… ‘Blame the victim for not being smart and being too trusting’ … Sigh.
Because we’re too stupid to recognize what you’re doing. Spoken like a true narcissist. Here’s something you don’t know and probably won’t understand. The better people in this world will offer you a grace period of mistakes. It’s called “benefit of the doubt”. You’re being noticed—even when you don’t notice it—because people are watching an accumulation of your behavior and responses. It may seem to you like you’re pulling one over, but you may just be being pushed off because someone doesn’t want to bother with you. You stand out for the very reasons you are so proud of–that you don’t feel, you believe you’re smarter, etc. People will always get a “wrong vibe” off you when normal responses don’t come and your behavior or words don’t align. If intimate with you, it will send the person to google to figure out what’s wrong with you. But you probably won’t know it.
I think the main thing that sets me apart from others is that I hate rules, I hate being told what to do, I make it a conscience effort to break as many rules as I can because I love being in control and that nobody knows the real me even the friend that pointed out to me did so because he couldn’t understand why I never had relationships(i am very good looking and charming), I just engage in sex to feed my needs but I can also date a girl…but once I have sex with her I won’t be able to stand the sight of her(i become disgusted with anyone after having sex with the person)…that is far as my relationship goes.
But the truth is that anything that happens to the victim is actually their fault….we were born like this and there’s nothing we can do about it….but the victim can try to be less stupid because there’s a saying that goes like once beaten twice shy….so if the so called victim continues to fall a victim every time, he has no one to blame but his own stupidity
You don’t have to be bad, or take advantage of people. That is within you. It says more about you than the victim, I think.
That is the problem….i dont see it as being bad…it is just who I am….i just do what I want and why should a fellow human tell me what to do, set rules and dictate how I should love my life, I think dat it is just natural selection…survival of the fittest..the strong survive and the weak well u know what happens to them
Because how you are living is SELFISH, and if you deliberately manipulate and con people, it stops them making decisions for their own life. I know that you don’t care about this – but….. don’t you think that karma is going to catch up with you at some time in the future? I bet it will…
PS…… you are weaker than a non socio, did you know this?
None of your behaviour is proof of intellect. How pathetic. We could all successfully lie (it’s not hard) but we are smart and good enough not to. Figure out another way to feel alive and happy without wasting innocent people’s care and time. I hope the people you have hurt have become stronger and have found amazing relationships, because they deserve them. Go date another sadistic sociopath or stop wasting the earth’s resources, it’s overpopulated anyway. If only everyone was a good person, this would be a much more productive world. We could do without these weeds.
That’s the thing….i definitely know that I am not weaker than non psychopaths because I take control of my life and I use any means necessary to get what I want…..i usually pity some people that I come across and actually wonder why they are as vulnerable as they are……and about the selfish aspect, are u gonna question a predator why it captures and eats its prey. That is nature has made it to be, the only way a prey can escape it predator is to learn to out maneuver it by either learning how to run faster or have some defensive mechanisms. You can not tell a lion to change and become a herbivore because the antelope is to weak to escape its grasp….Nature has clearly made some of us stronger than others so you will just have to deal with it and quit complaining…..if u have a score to pick on why I am the way I am you will have to settle it with my maker
Hmm, but sometimes you ‘misjudge’ so for example. I met the socio, when I was traumatised, after my daughter died. So absolutely I was vulnerable. Truth is, I am not a vulnerable person. So over the years I grew stronger. I grew stronger than him, for sure. Which was a bit of an error on his part. At the end of the day, you only really hurt yourself. It always ends up blowing up in your own face.
Not all p are smart you’ll have to agree with me on that one, some are self destructive, because of our lack of conscience, remorse or guilt the less than smart ones are usually confused and mostly act stupidly….. but for someone like I may not have a conscience, or remorse or be able to feel love but I know what these things are and I know people feel them I am clearly self aware and smart enough to understand the behaviors that the society frowns out so I only do things that directly benefits ME….or the things I can get away with…..and I stay away from things that are of no benefit to me, I may play some pranks or try to manipulate someone for fun, but that is were it ends….every other thing I do has to be for ME and about me
If everyone acted like you (like a toddler who hasn’t developed non-selfishness yet and who enjoys others’ suffering) then the planet would be destroyed in minutes, you unproductive weed. Have you ever considered that your survival depends on the goodness of others? Your mind is so simplistic. My recommendation: get some serious psychological help and critically analyse more.
Do you realize that if you live in America, or any other capitalistic society, sociopaths are usually perched at the highest ranks in politics and businesses? That is because we feel no remorse and are manipulative as you describe us. Selfishness? Yes, please. That is one thing you cannot succeed without in these two fields. You also need to be cunning and deceitful, the latter of which I think that you may lack, as much as we are deprived of empathy. We survive on the goodness of others, in fact, we thrive off of them. We know that most are too weak minded to realize that they are being played like a piano, so why not utilize this flaw? Our strengths are almost tailored to exploit the masses. If you have an advantage on an opponent in a certain area, and that area happens to be their weakness, why not use this advantage? The general public may view this as “immoral”, but the ends justifies its means in the grand scheme of things. What separates me from you is what I just said, you not doing something because you deem it as being “immoral”. Morals are what makes us better than you. We go beyond and do what is “immoral”, such as lying to get something that we want. This is an item that we have gained through being “immoral”, it is also, at the same time, an item that you do not have. You don’t have this item because you conscience told you that manipulation is “immoral”. That is weakness. Conscience hinders you from gaining what you want to have. You may say that,”This is parasitic,” but, aren’t you jealous that I have something that you don’t? Do you now feel that maybe being a sociopath is not bad? Perhaps it’s actually somewhat decent to be a sociopath. After all, you can use people for what you desire, and your life would be unchanged the next morning.
I am writing these posts to make you understand the workings of my mind…..i view this world as a chess game and every chess game has a goal and that is to capture the king….so I believe that I should have a goal to live for if not, what is the need of living….and in chess in other to achieve your goal you have to control and manipulate the pawns so it is to me, I cannot achieve my goal without using or control people….i think everyone at one point in their life has used someone either knowingly or unknowingly……I guess what makes it easier for me to continue to use or manipulate people is my lack of a conscience…..note I may have hurt people financially or emotionally but never physically….but even non p hurt people too
Great article regarding sociopaths. Did you know? 4% of Americans are sociopaths. Men are, unsurprisingly, 3x as likely as women to have diagnosed antisocial personality disorder. (Or maybe women are just better actors.)
I have been married to a woman for 16 years and have dealt with so much drama and 7 seperations. She always convinces me things will be different. I had no idea what was going on until my counselor pointed it out to me. How could have been so blind? I always excepted the blame for everything and I always forgave her. She never forgave me or excepted an apology from me.
I would just like to say that it seems most of the people here despise sociopaths. As seen with the comments from actual sociopathic people and how people keep telling them that no, they can’t change. No, they can’t feel emotion. Well. At one point, they did. Sociopathy is a product of environment. Treat someone badly enough, they might become one. There are, however, psychopaths, who are indeed born the way they are. Difference: psychopaths are the ones that don’t care at all about others’ emotions. Sociopaths don’t care as much as they should, but there’s still something there. Psychopaths are more likely to function normally in family and work life than a sociopath. Why? Probably because they are the masters of manipulation, as they are charming and intelligent. The point is: if you keep telling sociopaths they can’t change, they won’t. It was environment that made them that way in the first place, so continually driving them into the dirt will certainly not help.
Btw, sociopathy and psychopathy are no longer politically correct terms. They’re both grouped as Antisocial Personality Disorder. It’s like calling a handicapped person a cripple in the eyes of psychology.
Without being rude sarah, i quite honestly dont give a damn for what is politically correct for a sociopath. Do you think they care?? Seriously. Not really going to hurt their feelings.
Not quite sure how that wasn’t rude but okay. Anyway, the only reason why I’m slightly offended is that psychologists like to compare Antisocial Personality Disorder(APD) to Autism (which I have unfortunately). Both have issues with mirror neurons (the things in our brains that allow us to feel others’ emotions). So hearing people talk about how they hate people that have that certain mental issue kinda hurts, you know? Rest assured, I’m not condoning the behavior of APDs. In fact, my father is a sociopath and I quite honestly hate him. I’m sorry that you all have experienced the hurt that comes with being close to a sociopath.
Yes, but people with autism, do not deliberately hurt other people for their own entertainment. Sociopaths know what they are doing, but still continue to do so. I do take your point about not bashing someone with a m/h condition. But sociopaths don’t care. My sociopath knows about my website, I write about him. He doesn’t actually care. People with autism do not spend their lives trying to destroy other people. There really is a big difference. I want you to understand that you cant offend sociopaths, as they are emotionally mute. I know that people with autism, can struggle with emotions and empathy. But they do not deliberately lie, cheat, steal, disrupt other people on purpose.
Ah okay. It just kinda felt like people were just bashing people with mirror neuron issues. Sorry for the confusion. I’ll agree that most sociopaths in fact do not want to change. Only a very small handful do (same goes for psychopaths). Anyway, sorry for bothering you. Just misunderstood a little. Sorry.
No need to apologise sarah. You were asking a valid question 🙂
:3 thank you for your understanding. I have a sociopath story:
As I said before, my father is a sociopath. Basically, I was raised by an abusive (emotionally and physically) sociopath. So yeah… My mom is in the process of getting a divorce from him (I’m 18. He left home when I was 15). He actually left while he knew I was suicidal and depressed and in the middle of hurricane sandy (I live in NJ and we were hit by the eye-wall of the storm, so the damage was horrible). Being the kid of a sociopath isn’t fun.
I know this story isn’t dating related but I figured “hey, why not?”
As a man who has been married to a woman with this condition for 16 years. I can attest in my situation, no they do not change. I think the worst part is the manipulation and brainwashing. A victim of a sociopath does not even know what is happening to them.
As a man who has been married to a woman with this condition for 16 years. I can attest in my situation, no they do not change. I think the worst part is the manipulation and brainwashing. A victim of a sociopath does not even know what is happening to them. The one question I have is does a sociopath know that they are a sociopath?
You know, that’s actually a great question. I don’t think that they know unless someone points it out, but that could just cause them to go in the defensive and possibly become volatile. Some might be willing to get help for their condition though. Therapy, support groups, etc.
The people they hurt should probably get help as well, to help come to terms and understand that whatever happened was not their fault, but the sociopath’s.
Mine did know from June 2012, and he still did a lot of the same behaviour. I don’t think that at present there is any cure for sociopathy. Neither do I think that really the majority want to change. They only want to change when things are becoming adverse for them. Or they might make claims that they are going to seek help, to give the appearance that they are about to change into a better person. Thus prolonging the pain for the victim. The truth is, that they continue to be this way as they have no conscience.
I feel for women that have been abused by sociopaths. Years ago I felt such deep feelings for a girl who had a child with a sociopath. We never could be together because she couldn’t let go. LOL years later I did the same thing. Counseling is the only hope of getting your thinking straight. Tell a lie often enough and YOU will believe it. Been there.
hey Sarah 🙂
i grew up the daughter of a sociopath daddy too, so i understand the complete darkness you grew up in. it’s pretty mind blowing the layers of distorted belief systems and messed up versions of reality i’m untangling from every day. my heart goes out to ya, nope bein’ the kid of a sociopath is totally not fun ❤
positivagirl is so so right though – they just don't care. and the possibility of whether or not he can change isn't your burden to carry. i say that with love i promise because i totally get how ya feel 🙂 i've always struggled with a messy mix of compassion and hate for my daddy that i never really quite knew how to sort.
just to share somethin' i feel for my own understanding of it… i think kids of sociopaths tend to take responsibility for their parent's crazy energy. for the most part we don't realize we do it because when you're the kid of a sociopath, they start burdening you with the role of taking responsibility for their energy pretty much from birth they create an environment where to survive we have to do all kinds of damaging things to ourselves so that they can have their world of dominance and control… we have to walk on egg shells, we have to carry shame that isn't ours, they force us to accept their messed up beliefs no matter how wrong they feel to us, they expose us to all the things like manipulation and triangulation and discard way too soon in our innocence… we spend our lives dimming our light and changing who are for them, and we get so used to catering to their all consuming needs that i think we end up feeling responsible for finding their way out of the dark. it's their journey to take if they choose it, not ours. i guess i just thought i'd share that cause i know for me one of the most healing realizations i've had is that his demons are not my demons to face.
i hope you find comfort and clarity here, i know i have. ❤
Thank you 🙂 it really helps to know that I’m not the only one going through this.
you’re not alone ❤ and we are worth so much more than what they taught us to believe about ourselves.
Omg! I love this site. I discovered this site out of frustration. I have been in a very controlling relationship with this woman for 12 years. She made me believe she loved me, but I know the only people she loves are her parents she lives next door to and her son. The sad thing is that I really, really love her, but I know she’s sick in the head. I’m almost there in ending the relationship, I just need the confidence to do it.
They don’t love anybody – but themselves Andy, sadly 😦 Welcome to the site!
I could definitely relate, my experience with my ex is similar. I have finally accepted that this man is incapable of loving me the way I deserve. Accepting this has given me peace and the strength to move on.Stay strong all and never again doubt your worth.
so beautiful Elaine ❤
"Stay strong all and never again doubt your worth."
and yup peace finally comes when you just let go of the struggle of wishing they would be someone they will just never be. this website has been such a guiding light in helping me find that clarity.
we all come here with different stories of a million problems and experiences of pain that sociopaths have created in our lives, and we get so lost in a matrix of trying to find ways to heal the pain they have caused by "solving" the problems they have created. but the truth is, there are not solutions with them. there are no answers or ways to make it better with them, because the matrix of problems and pain is exactly what they want. there is no justifiable purpose to any specific thing they do, the purpose is just to spin an infinite web of confusion and pain. so that place of resolution that we all seek where love and truth comes to the surface… it will never come with or through them.
sociopaths are like these bottomless rabbit holes of darkness you fall down into, and all they do is distract you from your own light and distract from the love you seek in your life. the sooner we find the strength to accept that, the sooner we can begin to find our own light, to truly untangle from their energy we've been tangled up in, and begin to seek real true love.
love to you ❤
I had a girl like this. I lost everything because of the relation. Suffered for 3 years. The moment i thought enough is enough and left her, my life just blossomed.
Wow, this is my reality. I’m a sociopath.
I have been with my husband for 12 years, married 10. At first he was just a bit selfish, but in the bloom of things new, I just didn’t realise how bad he is. I relocated to live in his home, sold my own, changed my job, but he just carried on with his life with no compromises. But as I said, in the beginning it was ok. Eighteen months into our marriage, the sexual side just stopped (2007), and it was another 4 years before he admitted it did it through choice. He never spoke to me about his feelings, and I punished myself for all that time thinking it was me. Over the years he has done many cruel, unthinking, spiteful things. He has made it impossible for my family to visit, as he was so nasty to them when they did come over for Xmas. So if I want to see them I have to visit them at their home, and he has never shown any interest in his own grandchildren, despite my trying to make him make an effort. Due to this lack of interest in them, unbeknown to me his son was building a catalogue of things that he was blaming me for. He heard that we were having blazing rows, he blamed me for his dad not wanting to bother with his grandkids, and I was seen as the reason that his dad was how he is. He also said that if my husband took my job from me ( I handled my husbands accounts at home for 10 years) that he would quit the company. This was going on for 2 years before my job was taken from me overnight, and I had no say in it, and knew nothing about it. This all came to a head in June this year, as he invited his dad to Fathers Day, but his dad couldn’t be bothered, and I knew nothing about it. His son then wrote a 3 page letter of hate and vitriol against me, blaming me for everything, and that letter contained things that my husband could only have been the one to tell him things. So he was playing his son off against me, and I knew nothing until I found the letter hidden in the car. Anyway, my husband had another stroke in July this year, and his son and I had a long conversation at the hospital, where I put him straight about the way things really are. We are now ok, and he has given up trying to make his dad be a grandad. And for me, it has only recently dawned on me what my husband is. He has ruined every thing in my life that should be “normal”. We don’t have a physical relationship, we never do anything together, he just does what he wants to do that suits him. He does not understand how much hurt he has caused me, says that he has never really loved anyone, can’t understand what a relationship takes to work, and doesn’t really care about all the pain he has given me. In 2007 he wa 60, and I was 50. I took him away for his birthday, and he had a great time. For my 50th, we went to Barcelona, but on my day he forgot it was my birthday. No card, no flowers, no present, not even a mention of it, and he spent the evening in the bar making lewd comments about the female bar person, like he was out on a night with his mates. 2 years ago I found out that he was trying to rekindle contact with his 3rd ex wife, and I found out by checking his phone, and found her number hidden under a mans name, and saw all the emails. He didn’t seem to care that he had hurt me again, just the fact that I had checked his phone. He said he never wanted to get married, that he rejected me very early on, and he knows that I am trapped as I have no income and no money of my own. I also know that he won’t change, but it has finally dawned on me that it’s not my fault, and that it could have been anyone. He said that if it didn’t work with me, then it wouldn’t work with anyone……..what the hell does that mean? He’s been married 4 times, and maybe now I know why. He says he has mellowed over the years – really?? So I am now 58, very unhappy, loathe the sight of him, and sick of my own voice. I have pleaded, shouted, cried, and almost begged for a relationship with this man, but nothing works. He says I’m the crazy one, that if I was more understanding blah, blah, blah. No, all I wanted was a normal relationship, and what I’ve ended up with is a cunning, lying, cheating, selfish sociopath, that cares for no one, does everything that’s good for him, and then tried to blame others for everything that he does. Sorry for the rant, it’s been great to find this site, and at the moment he is not living at home, and is looking to find somewhere to live on his own. I am feeling emotional, guilty, and tired out, but determined to be in my own, and hopefully I will heal in time – Maggie xxx
So… nice to see a website devoted to getting back at a certain person’s ex through venting their rage in formatted articles that detail the animosity that a certain person has toward a certain mental disorder that that certain person’s ex has. I guess that the certain person was left in emotional shambles after their breakup, whilst the certain person’s ex walked away unscathed. Great to see that the certain person is taking out his/her anger in a constructive way, by furiously typing away on a keyboard with hateful articles focused to people who have the same mental disorder that the certain person’s ex has!
Is that a dig Ma?
I believe they can change. It is a VERY difficult thing to take on and will take years or even decades but, I am married to one and I have seen changes in him over the years. I grew up in an abusive home and i have seen my parents change. I was a rotten bully, and i saw myself change. I was in an accident and was told that my paralyzed leg would never be of use again and I have 100% mobility back in it…. because I kept trying. Try not to listen to what ‘They’ say. Get professional help. Change therapists and psychologists until you find one who will help with COGNITIVE therapy instead of meds, and one who suites your situation and your personality. Read every article and book on the subject you can get your hands on, and most importantly, put all of your thought into changing or helping your partner change. Pray about it, think about it in the shower, when you drive, etc. Talk about it daily with your partner. Talk about how the new actions feel to them, the new way of thinking does, where they went wrong last, where they went right… They can change.
Katie changes are minor. But always this person will be a liability towards you. Sociopath will show you change if this is what you need to see. But you cannot give someone what they do not have ‘a conscience’ they might appear to change when they ‘care’ about you…. believe me you will learn underneath is the very same person. If you wanted to leave. Or if they felt they were losing control. Change sometimes on the surface as they take on the persona of someone new….. but underneath they will always be a liability. Never forget what they are capable of. For that could be your ultimate downfall.
Iyou have the name positive girl but you are always negative saying they can’t change. If a drug addict can become sober there is hope. You might have had a experience with a sociopath but you are sh9ting down everyone even the ones that want to change or at least try to get help.
Truth is that a drug addict finds it harder to stay clean the earlier in life that they started using. This is because they know no other way as an adult.
I don’t hate the sociopath who was in my life. We outgrew each other. There is still currently no real therapy that works or do you think dbt works? It is about impulse control, managing boredom, leaving behind your need to dominate and control another, the ability to be honest with a therapist. Lack of long term planning skills or even a care to plan long term. Lots of reasons why. Unless you know differently ?
I think they have lost faith in love and kindness and they become like this to be able to survive in this world defending themselves. Only way is to get them attached to you trough kindness and love so they can deep down start for a second to believe again and just before they start go back you dump them for their own good of course. This will create shock in their patterns of thinking so truly you have to be worst then them at least good acting to be performed. You take out nail with another nail. In this moment they will be able to glimpse little bit of themselves and start to look the other way. There is no chance to stay with you at least in physical but they will be surely on the way to change their heart due to the shock. If you become and pretend as a psycho and do this with love towards them I think it is definitely is going to work.Timing is essential.Result is that they will stay for long time contemplating on that fraction of love they have witness just before they have got dumped their action maybe whole life as this is how much love they need to be healthy again.This will cracked their heart open againg and power of love light will be unstoppable.Than God is permited to start making changes in their action and feeling.In truth they are so fragile and in the same time cruel for being that much fragile.
I had this thinking Emil, I did this. Back in 2012 I did this. It didn’t work. At least not for any length of time. What I found was that they only change to benefit them. When it no longer benefits them, it doesn’t work anymore. Additional to this, they get bored. So while they might want to change for a while, (to benefit them) after a longer length of time they get bored and then the behaviour starts again.This is an interesting topic though I am going to write a post and try to get some different points of views. I like your thinking! 🙂
Sadly…. this is a topic i understand very well. Its what they are capable of. What they can do… this will never change. To think so is delusion 😦
If they lack understanding of love I think we have to find way of installing this inside of them
NO they can’t change 😦
Do you think they are like a vampire and just as in movies metaphorically only way is to put wooden stick trough their heart is the only answer. In this case what will be that wooden stick.
hahahaha this is brilliant and made me laugh haha no I wouldn’t recommend that, as it would see you end up in Jail!! 🙂
Really do no contact. Have nothing more to do with them. Get on with your life. Leave them behind.
Hope that karma will catch up with them.
Half of the things you write is bullshit the other half is full of cliches…
Instead of being insulting. Why don’t you offer intelligent reasoning for your argument otherwise you might as well just be quiet and say nothing at all?
I think also they are possesed with some kind of demon spirits who keep them in control and medium and behind there is a real person locked. Is this possibility. I just cant believe that they are demon themselves.
Emil, this is interesting. Simply because of what happens when the Narcissistic rage occurs. The eyes go black, colour drains from the face.
I have seen this. It was like he was a different person. Maybe this is the person that they always are behind the mask of charm and charisma.
Many psychos who comment here. say that they put up a mask as nobody would like the real them that they are.
But I like their crazy real face too and masks.
I think I killed them with my true love. When they run away from me I shout please come back.I think my love is more crazy than them. I think I am Van Helsing. hahahah
hahaha you are funny!! Lots of people are crazy Emil, its the ones that pretend to be sane that you have to worry about! 🙂
You are right about black eyes. I did not know about it but I noticed that.
I had 3 in a row would you belive it.I am serious. My luck.
Me too. It teaches you the pattern though?
Do you ever question why did I meet 3 in a row?
Yes I do. Why?
When I saw her black eyes one morning I was thinking my God how beautifull is this. but next moment suddenly she disrupt me by saying I fu… your a… So my romantic mood change little bit hahahaah
You too 3. OMG!