Breaking down the psychology of the sociopath and the power of the lie

I have over 700 drafts written, that were never published. I am going to publish some of these, this was written in March 2015.

Nothing keeps a victim of the sociopath bound, confused, giving additional chances, than the mask of illusion and the power of the lie.

All sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars. They hide behind the mask of deception to manipulate, deceive and use others. Their deception, and ability to say whatever they feel like, can confuse the victim. For four reasons:

  1. The truth and reality is too painful to bear (wanting to hear the lie, more than accepting reality)
  2. The victim is invested in some way (emotionally, financially, socially)
  3. The victim doesn’t understand about sociopathic behaviour or that it exists.
  4. The victim has the ability to put someone else’s needs before their own.

To write this post, I wanted to go back to the time, when I was most blind. When I didn’t know that he was a sociopath. What was really happening? What was I saying? What was he saying to me? Why did I tolerate what was happening to me? Why did I deny the truth?

To do this, I went back through old emails. Way back to early 2012

This particular email was written on 28th March 2012 (excuse the grammar, but it is not written by me)….. he always was like a train that didn’t stop at any station….

Hi baby i saw ur reply and i understand a lot of what ur saying but im being completely honest and true and i do feel extremely proactive and i understand the consquences of actions happened but i love u so much and we are def soulmates and they way we make each other feel at best is so magical nikki it really is i am sat watching crap film just thinking about u nonstop and i cant help that u are my world and i have done so much to destroy urs but i wanna repair the damage and be as one again in time becasue i know i can xxplease ring me u stillseem really angry i thought i behaved like my old self today and i felt really good about us again xxx i love u nicola xx

The truth

At this time, he had been conning me for months. I still had no idea of the truth, or the depravity of his mind, and just how far down into hell he would take me. So what was he really saying? He was mirroring back to me, what he thought that I wanted to hear. He was trying to convince me that my OWN MIND and the REALITY that was there right in front of me – was WRONG!

Which of course, was really what I wanted. I couldn’t deny the truth or the facts, at this point, I still didn’t know what the whole truth was. Hear his words

  • I was being completely honest and true 🙂 🙂 🙂 (this couldn’t be further from the truth) at this time he was still faking that his daughters mother was dying from cancer, and would be dead anytime soon, and that he was away fighting for access (this was all ficticious, she didn’t have cancer, and neither did he have access).
  • He wasn’t being honest, and didn’t know how to be. I thought that I had uncovered how much money he had stolen from me. Sadly it would be a years later before I discovered the real truth, and when I did find out he was angry with me for bringing up what he liked to call ‘histrionics’ the only histrionic of course, ever was him.
  • I feel proactive, again this was a lie. I was a hardworking woman, who had a career, and a good job. He had been faking jobs to live off of me financially. He moved back after this, after faking that he had yet ANOTHER job, of course, he didn’t. I was stupid enough to let him back, to once again do the same.
  • He didn’t understand the consequences of actions – or if he did, the consequences he understood was how he could punish me, and make me pay (worse was to come in the future) – sociopaths LIE and say that they are either about to make a full recovery, or that they understand the error of their ways, and that they are now changed. They are bullshitters, and just tell you what they think you want to hear. They will say absolutely anything at all, if they think that they can get what they want from you.
  • I love you so much, what we have is magical, I am your soulmate. Mirroring back to me, what I thought of him. He was selling me the illusion of ‘magical’ and soul mate connection. Sociopaths love to use the ‘soulmate’ connection, and are very good at doing so. They feel no empathy, guilt remorse or shame for their actions, in fact they get a rise out of duping and conning, it gives them glee, which to be fair is a big deal for a sociopath, as they are emotionally mute, and have little in the way of genuine emotions and feelings.
  • I think about you non stop, you are my world (again mirroring the illusion of a normal heartbroken man – absolute lies. he wasn’t heartbroken, neither was I his world)
  • I thought I behaved like my ‘old self’….. again mirroring back to me the illusion, as I thought he was a good honest, moral, man. Trying to feed me the illusion, and therefore make me question my mind, I WANTED to believe that he was the person that I THOUGHT he was. Of course, he was only too willing to sell this back to me.
  • I love you….. (well we know what a lie this one is). Three little words. That mean nothing. They might as well say the truth I USE YOU. As that is all that they are, users, liars takers and thieves.

He continued to play the game. Only he was playing a game with my life, and I was allowing him to do so. As the truth was far more painful, than risking his lies again. Or at least, this is the way that it seemed at the time. .

Sociopaths tell you what you want to hear

Sociopaths are quite capable of using someone. Anyone will do really. As long as you are prepared to give them what they want, or they can manipulate out of you, exactly what they want. You are fair game to them. In their mind they think

Well it is your own fault for being so gullible and stupid

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind, that when that email was sent to me in 2012, that he had no care for me at all. I was just another sucker to be used. He was telling me what I wanted to hear. I know this, as he would be in my life, years after this email was sent, when I did have value to him. Value doesn’t mean love, it means what it is ‘value’ I had moved from being just ‘anyone’ to someone who was ‘entertaining’ or at least ‘challenging’ we got on ok, and had some fun times together. In the future I would know exactly who he was.

When he wrote that bullshit email, I know for sure, he didn’t mean a word of it. He was just a ‘chancer’ and an ‘opportunist.

Sociopaths are chancers and opportunists

You might ask yourself

How could you be so unlucky?

Why you?

How do you deserve it?

The truth is –

YOU DON’T DESERVE IT

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU

YOUR ONLY MISFORTUNE WAS TO MEET THE LYING CHEATING SOCIOPATH

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ANYBODY

Sociopaths…. are chancers and opportunists. If you go No contact with the sociopath, you will see how much of a chancer and opportunist they are. If you totally ignore them, and they don’t want to lose you (as they can have genuine ‘affection’ for some people), you will see just how much of a chancer and opportunist they are. If you ignore them you will see them go through the ‘list’ trying to make contact with you. Trying to break you down. Trying to force you to engage. Each contact could be different, saying different things. Really they are just going through the list, trying to manipulate, control and take back ownership of you again.

  • I know you care about me, someone close to me has a life threatening illness, like cancer
  • I am happy you are happy
  • Do you want to go out for a drink?
  • It is clear that you are with someone else
  • I have learned my lessons, I have changed
  • I am out for a drink with another woman/man – shame you are not here
  • I can see now that it is clear that we have both moved on
  • How are you? I miss you x

These have been texts from my socio ex the last week. Almost daily, sociopath bullshit in a text. I don’t reply. It means nothing to me anymore. You lost me, as you didn’t treat me right.

As for the ‘I am with another woman’ well that doesn’t hurt me anymore, instead I feel relieved, the socio is off my hands.

Please, do not confuse this with LOVE, it isn’t love, it is control. It is possession. They see you as a possession. Life is a game to them, did you not notice just how immature and really emotionally incapable they are?

The only way to stop this, is to stop playing the game.

I played the game for a very long time. I wouldn’t say that I wasted my life. As I wrote this blog (and will continue to do so), but I didn’t want to play the game with him anymore. It gets BORING, hearing the same thing over and over, going round in a circle.

Sociopaths live a very crazy life. They can’t help it. it is just the way that they are. It is nothing that you did wrong. It absolutely doesn’t mean that you are worthless.

If you want to catch up on my work, also follow my Facebook page (The link is at the bottom of this page). These days I work full time, back in the real world. Working with real issues and real peoples dramas. It is nice, life is more interesting as people have different issues, rather than the same thing over and over again that you get with the sociopath. As I think of something that wouldn’t constitute a long post, I write it on the Facebook page.

Remember the NO CONTACT RULE I promise it won’t always hurt like this. but I also promise that you will set yourself up for a lifetime of hurt and pain if you do not get away, stay away, and KEEP away from the sociopath. They will ALWAYS hurt you.

You deserve so much better.

Love yourself, you really are worth it!!

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2015

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202 thoughts on “Breaking down the psychology of the sociopath and the power of the lie”

  1. My ex sucked me in with the same “pity play.” He claimed his “ex” had cancer and he had to remain with his kids while she went through treatment.

    He wasn’t divorced, and she didn’t have cancer.

    When someone tells you something that evokes that level of sympathy, how can you possible turn away?

    They’re slick, cunning manipulators who know what works.

    1. They say whatever to evoke an emotional reaction. I learned to become hard line. Eventually I switched off altogether. The
      Detail they give with the stories is amazing. Mine would Don full character. Even changing his accent to go with the story. They will never change and will only bring pain into your life.

      1. My ex had family and myself convinced he was an ex military hero. He cried sometimes and had so called flashbacks. Said he was tormented by nightmares and visions from the things he has done and seen overseas. He had the uniform and weapons, the full get up. Went away every month for reserve duty. Provided letters from his commanding officers in the military for orders or meetings. Always has stories of things that happened. ALL LIES. Found out when it was over that none of it was true. Never served one day in the military. So many lies about who he was came out I was overwhelmed and depressed for months. It scared me that I didn’t know this man. I called him on it and he blew up and completely denied it and went into a rage. First became violent then threatening to kill himself. Of course he would right. His story was his family and friends were lying on him. I was told the deception ran deep. Some things his family said they couldn’t tell me because I probably would not be able to handle it. That’s scary. I used to think I wanted to know, but I think the less I know the better.

      2. I am a 60 year old male who was living with a 50 year old female for three years. I had known her for two years before. I wrote a letter to my Ex-girlfriend a few days after I left. I had said to myself enough is enough after one of her quick insulting outbursts. I packed my belongings, threw them in the car and just walked out of the house never to return. The whole process took about 20 minutes and she just sat at her computer never saying a word as I vacated.

        I started doing research online regarding anti-social personality disorders. I wanted to know what had happened to me. I was searching for things to read because I was hurting. I found this website (and I am glad I did) and reading so many posts about recovery from abuse put me in the right direction for healing and recovery. Even though I did not know at the time the exact label to place on her activity I knew in my gut that things were not normal. She was not normal. Our relationship was not normal and getting worse.

        I have since learned that I was being abused by a Female Narcissistic Sociopath. Ialso learned that I should have no contact and keep no contact. This also has helped me with my healing.

        BELOW IS THE LETTER I SENT TO HER BEFORE I KNEW WHO OR WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH.

        Her Name:

        It is probably a good thing that I am going away at this time as things are not working out for you and I. Hopefully, with this absence, we can get a sense of direction. This is very difficult for me because I realize I care too much. I love you too much. Can you believe “care “and “love” can be too much?

        I have been living under the impression that we were in a relationship that thrived on open and honest disclosures. This is something that I told you in the very beginning was so refreshing, rewarding, uplifting and beneficial to me. I found peace in being able to talk with you about anything in my life and past.

        However, unlike a healthy intimate relationship, you have used my deepest confidences and thoughts against me. Things I have confided in you are thrown in my face when you have an outburst. I have found that I cannot trust you with my heart, so I keep my mouth shut.

        It pains me to say, accept, digest and admit that I have come to the realization that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I need to be honest with you and myself so I can regain power over my own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.

        To be frank, I quite often didn’t see your mistreatment of me as abusive. I assumed and believed it was all growing pains of us getting to know each other and learning each other. I have come to realized that I had started developing coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress. The effects of this emotional abuse over time have caused me emotional trauma, including depression and anxiety.

        There have been many moments of joy and pleasure in our relationship. I figured, go ahead and enjoy the sex, enjoy the compliments, enjoy the affection and attention. But I found that I had to leave the joy in the moment. I could not assume that because you smiled a minute ago that the smile would be there when I looked again. I need happiness and joy in my life, so I grabbed all I could in the moment. I find myself doing things I don’t wish to do because of your behavior to me if I don’t.

        At times I feel guilty and like I have to walk on eggshells just to keep less stress in my life. You have been telling me weekly “this is my house.” “This is my room.” “I need to rent someplace where you won’tdisturb me.” “You talk too loud on thephone.” “The TV is too loud.” “What? Are you bringing clothes into my house?” My presence use to be appreciated now it appears I am an annoyance.

        When we started our relationship you were concerned the children wouldn’t care for me. That they would reject me and you did have a desire for us to blend and bond. You have seen the children respect me, carefor me, bond with me, trust me, love me and even stand up to you for your rude behavior to me. You got what you wanted but your jealousy consumes you.

        I have been living of late knowing and feeling that most everything I do and say will be wrong. If I am right today, I will most likely be wrong tomorrow. It doesn’t matter what I do, the ridicule will continue.

        You “say” how much you love me and care for me and how glad you are that I am there, but it is all just words. Your walk does not match your talk. Such a simple thing as having a clean home for you and your children doesn’t matter to you. You don’t care. You haven’t cared enough to clean things up. You don’t care enough to make adifference for them or me.

        I realize that my “Healing” is a process. To that end I have listed and identified the behaviors that I find abusive and are no longer OK with me.
        1. You humiliate me and put me down, or make fun of you in front of the children.
        2. You regularly demean and disregard my opinions, ideas, suggestions, and needs.
        3. You accuse me of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect the abusive remarks.
        4. You try to control me and treat me like a child.
        5. You correct or chastise me for my behaviour
        6. I feel like I need permission to make decisions.
        7. I cannot change anything in the house or bring in new things (i.e. furniture, my clothes).
        8. You belittle and trivialize me and my accomplishments, likes, hopes and dreams.
        9. You try to make me feel as though you are always right, and I am wrong.
        10. You regularly give me disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.
        11. You regularly point out my flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
        12. You accuse and blame me for things you know aren’t true.
        13. You are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
        14. You make excuses for your behaviour, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing especially in a timely manner.
        15. You blame me for your problems, life difficulties and unhappiness.
        16. You give me unpleasant labels and make cutting remark.
        17. You get emotionally distant and emotionally unavailable a lot of the time.
        18. You disengage and use neglect and abandonment to punish me (like sleeping on the couch or the kids rooms).
        19. You don’t seem to notice or care about my feelings.
        20. You view me as an extension of your ex-husband, rather than as me the individual.
        21. You withhold sex as a way to manipulate, punish and control.
        22. You deny your emotionally abusive behaviour when I have brought it to your attention.
        23. You use a very unpleasant tone of voice.
        24. You are unreasonably jealous.
        25. You withdraw your affection and attention to punish me.
        26. You make everything my fault.

        You have been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse. I wish you would own up fully to what you have done and stop making excuses and blaming others. Make amends. Accept responsibility and recognize that your abusive behavior is a choice. Accept the consequences of your actions and behaviors.

        You may no longer lash out at me and be rude to me. I will not tolerate it any longer. Life is too short and precious for me to spend it with a person who chooses to hurt me. I am lovable. I deserve respect.

        I have noticed a change in my demeanour, appearance, and self-esteem as a result of being in our relationship. I feel as though I cannot do anything right for you. I am finding I no longer do things for myself. It seems I am always doing things for you just to keep things happy and at peace. I feel trapped in the situation. I have told you this before, but it has fallen on deaf ears. I feel disrespected, demeaned and unappreciated.

        The bottom line is that I am being treated very poorly now and with each passing day. It is clear this will only continue and it is getting more intense and more frequent. I hate to admit it but I don’t see it getting better I don’t see a future with you.

        I am wasting so much of my valuable life with someone who does not respect or cherish me. Love is never supposed to be abusive. Love is not supposed to be hurtful. Love is never controlling. I also realize I cannot change you. I can only change myself. That is what I must do.

        It was obvious that you wanted me out of your house because you didn’t want any more of my clothes there. Well, you wanted your house back and my clothes out of your closet. You got it.

        It is apparent you do not appreciate my presence. Perhaps you will appreciate my absence.

  2. I love your post. Hit straight home as always.The email from 2012 sounds like all the emails and texts my ex sent and still sends. Wow I was scratching my head thinking he sounds like the exact same guy I dated. He’s still sticking to his story of doing a fast (aka spiritual cleanse). Let him tell it he’s truly trying to change and make a real change in his life whether I choose to believe it or not. I go with the latter. Because I chose to ignore and show no support later he informed me (as I compose this comment) that he will be making the change and taking the journey alone since I choose to be negative and not willing to let go of the past. More power to him!!! See ya! I actually was angry and wanted revenge but now I feel sorry for him. It’s just sad he believes he can change or is trying to change. He buys his own BS, but as you have told me over and over; postiviagirl (yes its finally sinking in…:-)) He is not my problem. I miss certain things so I keep reading your blog reminding myself the entire 3 yrs was an illusion. I wanted money back he owes me. I get it, I will never see it again. I believe in karma, I wanted a front row seat to his suffering, but after finding your blog Saturday and reading it (practically all day), I am very thankful to be armed with all this information. I see light at the end of the tunnel. To everyone out there lost and confused. Please read the information on this sight. It’s been almost a week and I finally have hope and look forward to a life without him. I have gained weight from stressing and not sleeping for months, however on the bright side I have regained my sanity and feel excited about my future. Thank you so much. This blog saved me. I have my life back!!!!

    1. I know I know he stalks my stuff, I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing as the flowery language that they use is part of it. Why? Because they all fake and mimic why they all sound the same.

      1. I quite like the objections now. Proves how far I have come in healing and recovery. A short while ago, it would have put me off writing (and did) I closed the site once due to it. But today, it makes me more determined.

    1. You’ve provided us with a heretofore lacking outlet, not by posting (we would love to hear of course) but just centralizing a place. I’ve made a small donation, it’s slight, but I (we?) want you to know you are invaluable.

      1. Tomorrow am going to set up a drop in and say hi page, I know thousands come here every day. Would be nice to have a place where people can just drop in and comment how they are feeling so they know they are not alone…. comments come in all over the site. Would be good to have a central point. Tyres so much.

  3. Observer.
    Reading this Page, Blogs &^ Comments, save me from Real Damage from a Sociopath Friend. He is a real charmer, However early in the GAME I realized he is a LIAR. He was out for what he could get & especially Money.. Thank You because all the money he ever got was a couple dollars here & there, Added up You will not get ($300).I am O K with that. It was not easy for me to let go, it took a while. But I did.

    He still Profess to Love me,in emails .. I am in the NO CONTACT Stage. feel like I let down a heavy Load.. Thank You..

    1. Keep going, each day you move closer to your total freedom and sanity. Well done for no contact a and also protecting your finances they have the ability to completely drain in every way.

  4. Positivagirl. You make a huge difference. Thank you. I am looking forward to a drop in page. I have undone myself from one Sociopath Husband of 30 plus years and found myself working now with another. I have armed myself with information, and am attempting to create a new life at a late stage. Never too late.

    1. Don’t feel Bad. You are Not alone, I know a woman who is married to a Sociopath, she knows what he is, He Flaunts his affairs in her Face, Yet she tolerates & Refuse to Let go of this Farce of a Marriage. To him it is all a game. he is Enjoying even minute of it all. he has No Empathy, No Conscience & don’t think anything is wrong with his Behavior. I wonder how the women he gets involved with , knowing he is Married & goes home to his wife every day after work or where ever, when-ever, & still allow him to use & abuse them that way.. It is beyond me.

  5. Hi positivagirl, great article, very on the mark. The daily bullshit gets so tiresome.

    May I ask, why don’t you just block your ex’s number or change your own number, since you no longer reply to him or get any value from reading his texts?

    Thank you for everything you do, some of us are counting on you.

      1. Absolutely – I work full time these days (am in the UK) so I come back and go through comments. That are all over the site. I am going through comments now!

    1. Thanks Oliver. I do block his number, he withholds the number so it comes up private number. These days I just switch my phone off. To be honest, no matter what he says, he has zero response from me, I just don’t feel anything anymore. It is all done and over with for me. Working full time has helped, for sure, rebuilding my own life. I am too busy, the patterning though is still interesting, and also inspires me to write. but I don’t feel anything. He went off with someone else, I guess that didn’t work out – I wouldn’t ever take him back after that. I know I could never have a life with him around. So, mostly I would just switch my phone off. He doesn’t hassle me. Its just one text a day, well apart from yesterday – he just thought I would want to go out with him, lol….I just find it odd, how they cant move on, stay gone, and get on with their own lives, I guess they can’t as they always screw things up. I don’t hate him, I just know it isn’t healthy to have him anywhere near my life, he is too destructive.

      1. Ah, I see. I never pick up to any private numbers, just in case. But I guess I’m more of a coward! So, he’s the unwitting inspiration for a blog that is contributing to their comeuppance – how ironic. Still, we’re very lucky he continues to provide you with ideas, would you say there is a distinct pattern to the way he interacts (like does it go from e.g. flattery to pleading to threats in a cycle) or is it more random than that? I agree it’s very odd that they can’t just give it a rest and move on with their lives. As well as like you say, they can’t, it might be a power thing, thinking they can still cause you discomfort, wanting to have some influence over your life. As for hating, let’s just say you’re a better person than me and I hope to one day embody your zen attitude myself. Thanks for replying.

      2. Alright, I admit it. I am a sociopath. How did you work it out, was it the gravatar malfunction? I had a good laugh at my own ineptitude with that, but was really hoping you wouldn’t notice all the same. Ah well 🙂

        You can’t really blame me for lying, if I’d have been up front from the start, you probably wouldn’t have even published my comment, let alone given the reply I was looking for. You are rightly wary of people like me, and I really thought I could just come here anonymously, ask a few questions, and leave. About that – this wasn’t just some courtesy call, or pointless way of winding you up. I was, I *am*, interested in how sociopathic behaviour is perceived by other people.

        The irony is, while I was lying, you believed me (at least for a short while). Now I’m telling the truth, you probably think I’m lying, just because I’m a sociopath.

        Don’t worry, you don’t have to block me. I have no intention of causing trouble on your blog – we share readers and I’m really not the trolling type, it’s a boring waste of energy. And though I would be flattered and grateful for a reply, if you don’t want to I won’t try and force it out of you. Your blog, your rules.

        Peace,
        James

      3. No. I saw through you. I just wondered how far you would go. I find sociopaths more a point of fascination really. The psychology of it I find interesting. We have a lot of socio visitors who come to this site.

      4. I guess I am a bit different to some writers. I don’t hate socios. I didn’t split on bad terms with my ex. I just had to get away for my own personal growth. I don’t hate him, I just realise I can’t fix him and I didn’t want my life going around in a circle anymore. I found the repitition quite dull and boring. It becomes predictable.

      5. I know you saw through me, but at what point and how? I have a few theories, but would be most gratified to find out the truth.

        Yes, I see now you are much more open-minded than most, and I could have approached you without subterfuge. It’s just that in the past week or so, I have been banned from three similar blogs just for being honest. I never even got a chance to cause trouble, they just blocked me on the spot.

        I guess we can watch each other in mutual fascination then, I find the psychology of normal people interesting. It’s like empathy, but better.

        Thanks again for taking the time to reply, and for not chucking me out.

      6. It matters to me, yes. How do I “radiate energy” over the internet? You don’t have to be kind to me, you’re not going to bruise my ego by telling the truth.

        Pleeeeaaassse? 🙂

      7. OK, have it your own way 🙂

        Since you can’t explain yourself, I will just conclude that, rather having unlikely magical powers of energy detection that can somehow transcend the English Channel (and the web), it is much more probable that:
        (a) you noticed the gravatar malfunction, or;
        (b) the flattery, mirroring, and / or petulance (“I guess I don’t warrant acknowledgement then”; that got you going didn’t it?) that is splattered all over my first two comments acted as ‘red flags’ that you recognised because of your prior experiences with sociopaths, or;
        (c) somebody who knows me tipped you off (admittedly this is almost as far-fetched as your socio detector, we’re not in a spy movie!).

        You see, I’m a rational person, I follow logic. I am open to belief in supernatural-sounding abilities, but only if the person who claims to have them can back it up with a sound argument.

        And if you’re interested, I think (b) is the most likely. Sure you’re smart. You know how sociopaths sound when they talk, what they are likely to write, what manipulation techniques they’re likely to use. You don’t have the power to feel my ‘energy’ all the way from Britain.

      8. Hahahaha…… sorry is it really bothering you THAT much, that I know something that you were not as good at hiding as you thought you were? 🙂 🙂 🙂 this comment has REALLY made me laugh. Socio in my life was identical to this, and would accuse me of having spies spying on him – I didn’t you are just predictable.

      9. No, it’s not bothering me. I told you, I’ve got it all wrapped up! I believe you when you say there are no spies (though it was never really a sensible suggestion, haha). So you picked up on some of the cues, that’s what I wanted to know. THANK YOU, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!

        Hahaha, I’m glad to have made you laugh, now I’m laughing too. You’ve been way too serious up ’til now.

      10. Sorry but, as a pro writer, I have to jump in here and beg to differ. Your “energy”, “vibe”, “intent”—whatever you want to call it—is ALL OVER your writing. I simply love this about people since I don’t enjoy speaking on the phone much. Writers are masters of tone, style, voice and word choice. We know what you mean, even when you don’t realize what you reveal.

        Nikki is a pretty darn fine writer. Couple that with her professional and personal experiences, you really have little chance here. Let’s say it was your style, tone/attitude, word choices, and now, persistence that make a few things obvious: 1) You NEED attention. You demanded a response and to be seen, and you still are doing the same; 2) You’re confrontational. You need to be right. You need this for your ego. Nikki answered you to satisfy the demands she routinely meets in running this site first. In the course of only two posts (or maybe just the one, and she has more grace than most), you revealed yourself.

        Believe me, sociopathy is not a superiority title and it’s not rocket science to understand you. You’re only genius in your own mind.

      11. Well said, whoever you are. A “pro writer”, does that mean you’re in favour of writing? Or would that need a hyphen to work? As for me, I’m rather anti-writing myself, now I know any old pro can see right through me. They ought to ban it.

        I understand your points, and I agree with most of them. I like attention, I like being right, I like to win. Yes, it’s for my ego, you don’t have to be a psychologist or a writer to know that. And yes, I am aware that my style of writing gave me away. It is what point (ii) was about, after all.

        As for the intricate eye for detail you writers have, that is legitimately fascinating. I hope you use such an amazing skill for the common good.

        But (here it comes. Gottoberight! Gottoberight! Gottoberight! Ego! Ego! Ego!) I don’t think I’m a genius, in fact I know I’m not. Please don’t presume to know what’s in my head and I’ll pay you the same respect.

        Has it occurred to you that by asking how Nikki knew what I was, I wasn’t expressing shock that the Great Infallible James could ever be caught out, but rather attempting to learn what I had done wrong so that I don’t make the same mistake again?

        In that regard, you’ve helped even more, so thank you 🙂

      12. Wrong again, socio’s repeat the same thing over and over and over. You don’t learn. That is the point, and why you are so obvious. It is only you that thinks you are invisible. The rest of us, are unique individuals. We can learn from past mistakes. You might think that you learn to hide better, but it doesn’t work like that. You see, your need that it always has to be about you – is what gives you away!! It’s all about you, and even if it wasn’t about you – you would make it about you. That is the way that the sociopaths mind works. Only you are the only ones not to see this.

      13. Learning from mistakes is a problem for me yes, but I can learn when motivated to.

        I don’t think I’m invisible, jeez. Now you’re claiming to be able to see inside my head too, when you can’t, *Everyone* is a unique individual, even sociopaths. You might find us predictable, well I find most humans fairly predictable too.

        The obvious egocentrism doesn’t matter in the short term (except with clever people like you), and the short term is all that matters to me. When things start to unravel, I’m already in the process of moving on.

      14. Yes, that’s a good rule to follow. I’ll be honest, I did automatically slip in a couple of personal attacks in that other comment, but I edited them out because they were crass and I promised I wouldn’t cause trouble.

        But if you’re worried about offending me, know that you really, honestly, truly, one hundred percent won’t be able to. On my blog posts, I encourage an ‘anything goes’ atmosphere in the comments. If people want to call me a subhuman monster, they can, and they will be published. Of course I reserve the right to hit back at such people, but mostly I just ignore them. Their opinions of me do not matter, to me, or anyone else reading them. So in this case, a personal attack by you on me would not be taken personally by me. You can break your own rule; go on, I won’t be hurt 🙂

        It is possible to upset me, but only if you touch on something I think is a problem. Otherwise, your opinion is just that – an opinion – which is nothing compared with my internal (and most likely flawed, egotistical) sense of truth.

      15. I know this…. this is why I have written a website about the sociopath who was in my lifes antics – with his full knowledge. We aren’t together anymore, but I know he stalks my work still. He tells me he is proud that his behaviour has helped so many people. So never has a problem with what I write. Some people don’t understand that, its not mean or cruel, as you don’t care. If anything you like the attention.

      16. Hi James, It is good that you Admit you are a Sociopath, & Your Hallmark is Lying.. Maybe some of us might learn a lot from you if you Decide to Post. some more… this Blog Saved me a Lot of Pain & especially money.. For that I am truly Grateful.

        I am doing fine, & in he No Contact Stage..

      17. Positivagirl, would you mind please moderating my reply to Elaine into existence? I think it will help her.

        Not sure why it’s held back in the first place, because there’s a hyperlink perhaps?

  6. Thank you to everyone on here who have shared their stories. When you compare them, their all the same with the chaos to confuse you and compulsive lying, the love bombing… nonstop. After 5 years I got off the hamster wheel and Im trying to pick up the pieces. From estranged family to incredible debt after being rich. They suck the hopes dreams and life out of you. Whatever you love you will notice is hit the hardest. I still sometimes am in shock, then i come to this site and read /reread and gain strength for another day. Ive been taken to the gates of hell and im climbing back up. This site is my strength. Thank you thank you thank you!!!

    1. Have just set up a new page that you can comment on also Mary, stop by and say hi, so that people can connect, anonymously. Yes they suck the life out of you, until there is nothing left to take. When you have rebuilt they will come back to drain that too…. if you let them

  7. I have always felt that your writing so clearly expresses what too many of us are going through and have gone through. This hits the mark yet again.

    When people say “why don’t you just” I feel extremely frustrated, sure, it seems like a simple solution, but after years of them working their way around, over and under every wall you put up eventually you realize there is no point in blocking any more. The BEST feeling of control is to see the attempts and yet do nothing, feel nothing, and be free emotionally from it all, to have no more sadness, fear, or angst than you would over a piece of spam email. I also feel like it may be well meaning but reeks of victim-blaming, which is something we have to avoid doing to ourselves and to others.

    The real no-contact is not giving them the satisfaction of knowing they have our attention or that they have sparked any emotion from us. We can’t really control whether they contact us or not, we can only control our own behaviour.

    SP behaviour is so full of irony and illogical thinking. Until you understand and accept what an SP is their behaviour can be completely “crazy-making”. They lie about everything yet get enraged if they are lied to, never linking the two behaviours to correct their own. If they are punished or face consequences to their behaviour, they are completely incapable of connecting the behaviour to the outcome, like the two things are totally separate. They will apologize with such sincerity and even tears that at first you think they MUST truly mean it, yet they always repeat the offence again and again. In their heads they are always the victim, while in reality they leave a trail of destruction and victims in their wake.

    1. I have never had a problem with sociopaths writing commenting on this site. The blog was called dating a sociopath for a reason. As that was what it was about. I am not one for silencing anyone’s point of view or freedom of speech. In fact I think that you can learn a lot when sociopaths comment. I think. As you are so obvious. (or you are to me) – probably lots of other people too. I don’t think that socio’s should be living on a remote island. I just wish that they didn’t use what they do have, to cause harm to others. As there is no need for that. From my point of view, I think that sociopathy is a disadvantage in life. You go round in circles, struggle with boredom. Life doesn’t really move forward. So there is little reward. Personally I think its a disability. Although I am sure that you don’t see It like that. Imagine being a ‘label’ or having the same personality traits as so many other people, that people can write about you? What I do think is a shame, is that there is a lack of support for sociopaths, not all want that, many think they don’t need that. But there are quite a few, that find it a negative. It must be hard to keep having to start again. I would find that difficult. I lived in the sociopaths life, for many years. We had some amazing times together – but he always had to destroy everything, not if – but when. He always would make things that were good – bad. For that, I do feel for you. I think its a disability. Internally I think you are weaker – which is why you need others to live off of. Like a child trapped in a grown ups body.

      1. Good article James, but why is your site called ‘nopsychos’s’. I admit that I laughed a lot when I saw that, and the irony of it. I think I knew the socio in my life well. I know he cares about me, in his own way. Most people might laugh, but I think that there is a lack of support for sociopaths, which really only makes them continue to hide. The one who was with me, didn’t have a bad life with me. I am fairly random. We went on amazing adventures. All over the place. As that is what I love to do. We liked the same music, both loved art. I don’t particularly mind drama, and for a few years, I didn’t have too much else to do with my life anyway. I knew who he was, but I liked him. He really did try for quite a long time. But the more that he felt ‘connected’ to me, the more insecure he would become that someone else would steal me away. We went to festivals, travelled, out on our bikes, and laughed our heads off. But he would always believe that someone else would steal me away, the better that we got on, the worse that became. Fights, I could fight him back. At the time I wasn’t working, and there wasn’t anything else he could damage. I was always constantly moving, changing, different hobbies and interests, so there wasn’t any reason for him to get bored. Intellectually I could match him, and I could see through him, which he found frustrating. For quite some time, I had no emotional connection either – as I had severe ptsd. In him I would see trauma triggers, when he would go off on one. I think he cared about me though. If I needed him sure he would be there. Despite everything, we ended on amicable terms. Which I don’t think many partnerships end too well. I knew it was pointless arguing, so I would write a post saying what I thought. He loved to analyse me, but as I was constantly changing, this wasn’t easy 🙂 As I was recovering from trauma, he was, for a while, a good companion for me. I grew stronger, probably stronger than him. Outgrew him. He knows that I won’t damage his life, I have no need to do that. I write this site, and he doesn’t mind that. In fact he is proud of it. He told me that. We went through a lot together. His mirroring me, helped to pull me out of trauma. He had been through a lot of trauma in childhood. I think that a lot of psychos do — this, I think is part of the problem. I don’t agree with brushing it under the carpet, and pretending that socio’s don’t exist. Sadly you have to stay away from them, as they do damage to your life. For a while, it was ok, as there was no further damage to do. Today it is different, as I am back working full time. (youth homeless – which being with him was a good practice, socios have temper tantrums like children) – and I had to manage his anti social behaviour. But – I don’t think he ever really wanted to hurt me. Its kind of sad really – as In a lot of ways, we did get on. I just couldn’t go round in a circle anymore. Life was too restrictive being with him – that said I like him, and I do care about him. I just can’t risk him being in my life. Neither can I be controlled, owned or possessed anymore.

      2. It’s not my site, not my choice. I too like the irony.

        I get the impression a lot of that was written for his benefit. But your story is interesting to read about, knowing a long-term relationship is possible for a
        guy like me. I don’t think most humans are built for life-long relationships, especially not now we all live to 80. But long-term is good.

        Perhaps you’ve worked it out already, I’m really young (21) and so much of life’s magic and shittiness are still to come. Many circles still to travel 🙂 I can’t help but feel I’ve gained self-awareness to early in life to enjoy it.

        You know, despite my bluster from earlier, you have succeeded in upsetting me. I have an inferiority complex as big as my ego. I’m not having a go at you, but it’s not pleasant to be reminded of your own misery. I suppose it’s healthy to keep it real once in a while 🙂

      3. No not written for his benefit. He knows how I feel. I have already told him. We went our seperate ways with no bad feelings between us. We just have different lives to live. Nothing I write here I hadn’t already said.

      4. I will say one of many great things about being me, even after having an existential crisis (that YOU inflicted on me, btw. Nice going!), it doesn’t take long to bounce back.

        I’m am definitely going to write a kind of ‘bipolar’ article on psychopathy soon (Why being a psychopath sucks / is awesome).

      5. I’m not sure what that is evidence of. Shallow emotion? Very short-term memory? Resurgent ego blocking out the shitty reality? I was definitely upset (I mean I didn’t cry or anything stupid, I haven’t cried since I was a child) from my perspective deeply so, but even in that moment I was thinking “eh, in an hour or so this will be like a distant memory”.

        But aside from how I’m feeling, I still agree with your ‘weakness’ comments – while believing that in other ways psychopathy makes me stronger. The take home message is I am a confused puppy. This will take a lot of introspection and reflection and possibly more depression.

        I am going to break the circle.

        If you’re at all interested, even in a ghoulish way, you can follow my blog in future.

  8. I would like to comment on a point I picked up while reading the comments. Am actually glad to have found this site (I recently sprained my ankle and was nearly climbing the walls with boredom but this site has kinda provided an outlet for me). I would like to open the floor on the discussion on whether psychopaths suffer from psychopathy….I would like to express my views of the matter and would greatly appreciate contributions. In case you didn’t notice I just recently found out that I am a psychopath so am trying to learn and share what I know on psychopathy
    I know that this questions of whether a psychopath suffers is usually one of the many questions asked by our victims….they want to know if we feel the same pain they feel…..to answer the question using myself as a case study….i do not suffer as normal people do, I am clearly self aware, I understand every bit of human emotions but do not feel most of them, I think the only feelings I have come to sense with are pride, disgust and sometimes pity. I do not suffer as a result of my being a psychopath because I have come to have a deep understanding for most normal people, I see their suffering, depression, weakness, sadness, guilt, fear, broken hearts and the list goes on and on, I may be faced with loneliness, or insecurity but i’ll rather be alone than be weak, depressed and venerable. The only down side to this is the impulsiveness that comes with being a psychopath, I have suffered physically in the past as a result of rash and impulsive decisions but with all being said i’ll rather suffer physically than emotionally, even if I had to choose all over again, I’ll choose to be a psychopath than to be normal(being normal is just too boring)

    1. It might look boring to you. But when you feel an expansion in your heart of love and joy, it’s the most beautiful thing In the world. That feeling IS life!! We have no need to bring others down as we feel inner happiness. We might go through tough times. Might feel sadness grief bereavment heartache. But can you visualise the joy when that is gone and you are happy again? Bad things challenge us to do better and we feel a sense of achievment as we progress forward. Seeing others happy makes us feel happy. We feel the energy from others happiness and excitement and want to share it with them. This is living life in the light. I found your world quite dark, manufactured, controlled and not free rolling or free spirited. Life was made more difficult than it needed to be. It is difficult to explain if you can’t feel it. I would have thought living like that would be bland. I lived without emotions when traumatised. It wasn’t nice to go through. Life felt well just empty.

      1. Me not being able to feel most emotions does not mean that I do not understand it….i understand what joy means but I dont know what it means to be joyful, I understand what loves means but dont know what it means to be in love, I even understand what guilt, sadness or remorse mean but dont feel any of them, I understand them so well that I am able to successfully fake it….to be truthful I have often wondered what it would be like to love someone or to have a conscience because I am a very observant and logical person so I know all about all those feelings you mentioned. I don’t need to feel does things to be happy or to live my life…..actually my life is quite filled up without the extra baggages….I constantly make an effort to escape the feeling of boredom, I need to be financially stable so as not to ever be dependent on anyone…I have to put on different facades because am quite popular and have quite a number of people that think that they are, my friends(i only thrive on parasitic relationship, I must be able to get something from you, or use you to fully a need) I never connect emotionally with anyone even my immediate family

      2. We sit at opposite sides of the fence. This weekend I was at a festival. Amazing music I watched people dancing. Happy. Parents dancing with their children. So much joy. I had more joy as the socio wasnt there being centre of attention. I noticed other things and just how beautiful the world is. When you feel you pick up this energy from other people. It fills up your whole being. Like a light. To not understand how it feels is to not understand at all. That to me would be like living a life in black and white with no colour. Like seeing music being played on stage but hearing no sound or no emotion to the music. These are (to me) the very essence of life. It would be like Me faking to drive a car. It would be pretty pointless as I would go nowhere. I dont understand the point of faking emotions. Why don’t you just be who you are?

      3. Having to fake emotions. Something that brings great joy has to be to me one of the biggest negatives of all. Life would be so empty and so dull. Just bland. No wonder you create drama and games to stave off the boredom.

      4. This is actually in reply to Kal but there’s no reply button on her (…?) comment.

        “Me not being able to feel most emotions does not mean that I do not understand it…” Yes it does. That’s exactly what that means. All you or I understand is how those emotions affect other people (or rather how other people act when they are subjected to them) and how to mimic and use them. And I say this from a position of having a wider emotional range than you apparently do. I have no clue what love is, what it might feel like, even what the point of it is. It’s so irrational, so stupid, it defies explanation. If you think you understand it, and are still claiming to be a psychopath, you are delusional.

    2. Kal-

      Psychopaths feel pain….. their own, and only their own. That’s where the problem lies.

      People who are emotionally intact feel the pain of others. It’s called “emotional empathy.” Having emotional empathy enables a person to develop a conscience, which is lacking in psychopaths. Unless they will experience personal harm in harming you, nothing, other than their personal interests, will prevent them from doing so.

      We don’t chose to have emotional empathy, or not. We either do or we don’t. It can’t be made or thought, it can only be felt.

      Let’s say something happened to prevent your taste buds from recognizing vanilla. You would not know what you missed, although you may become cognizant, from the awareness that other people experienced vanilla, that you were missing something.

      Our response to that awareness could vary just as a psychopath’s awareness toward not having emotional empathy could vary. BTW- the same neurology that produces emotional empathy also produces love and trust. so a psychopath’s emotions, are all about “what’s in it for me.” There is no “adoration or treasure.” That’s why we say they live shallow lives.

      Psychopaths can participate in social circles because homo sapiens is a social animal and even psychopaths need company…. look at Richard Matt and David Sweat. There is simply nothing that prevents a psychopath from turning on their companion, other than personal interest; whereas, an empathetic person in a loving relationship would deeply feel an interest in protecting the other person.

      A psychopath’s interaction is based on “need”. An empathetic person’s interaction is based on caring.

      A psychopath is expected to obey rules, laws and do no harm. But they lack the emotional context of why they should behave that way. And as they go through life, they create damage because they will do what they believe they can get away with if it gets them what they want. They have no guilt over the harm they cause others.

  9. “Why don’t you just be who you are?”

    I refer you back to that same article. Being “who we are” is a recipe for becoming an outcast. The psychopaths who don’t bother the charade are the Dharmas and the Sutcliffes of this world, weird hermits whose only interaction with other people is as their killer or torturer.

    But not only that, most people wouldn’t like the maskless psychopath. We fake emotions in order to be accepted, to make our lives easier. Which is admittedly something I am attempting to change, again with the blog. I actually have massive plans for psychopaths in society, we’ll see how far along that gets. Anyway, I should really stop banging on about the blog (and proving that pro writer person right about me… me, me, me…)

  10. I realise I’m spamming this thread and really ought to go to bed*, but have just been rereading Kal-9000’s list of experienced emotions: “pride, disgust and sometimes pity”. Even by my standards, that is barren, they’re not even particularly nice emotions, just crap. So it doesn’t take much imagination to think how my (and psychopaths’ in general) inner worlds seem empty from the perspective of neurotypicals. If we take the black and white / colour theme, then you happily deluded normal people live in the magical land of Oz, I’m in dreary brown Kansas, and Kal is trapped in one of the negatives on the cutting room floor. Btw, is this empathy I’m doing right now, using my own experience to understand other people’s perspective? I dunno, it’s late. Such tiredness. Very sleep.

    *I am a poet and I didn’t know it, hehe.

    1. Is this empathy? No neither is it sympathy. I would say it’s more observational. A skill you do have. To empathise is to feel how someone else is feeling as if that feeling were your own. So if someone was graphically murdered we can feel pain even if we didn’t know the person or family. For a short while anyway. Neurotypicais can empathise. Empaths feel the way another feels all the time. Which is what I said about picking up your energy and vibe. That you said I couldn’t do. Not all neurotypicals are empaths.

      1. Haha, I *knew* you were an empath, as soon as you said that energy thing yesterday! Still honestly don’t know how it works over the internet, but I’ve heard empaths say the exact same thing multiple times before. You guys are as predictable and almost as easy to spot as psychopaths. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to be bearer of bad news if you didn’t already know about it. So you feel how I feel right now?

        I definitely knew it wasn’t sympathy I was feeling, that is rather different. And I do know the basic definition of empathy, but I thought another form of it was putting yourself in the shoes of another; it seemed to me that’s what I was doing, rather than simply observing (I mean, observing what? That was all just a thought process inside my head).

        But, you’re the empath so…

  11. Wow it nice to see that my comments have generated such feedbacks. James I particularly enjoyed the comment you made on being able to understand emotions but not being able to feel it – you clearly misunderstand what I meant by being able to understand emotions. I am aware they exist especially love, I think I understand love the most because I guess I love MYSELF, everything I do is about ME, I take care of ME, I am concerned for only ME, I look out for me…..you can call it selfishness but I call it love of myself….I might not know what it means to love someone else but I guess it is along the same lines… I have seen others experience them, I have seen how they affect people and how people react when faced with emotions….i know that being in love leaves you vulnerable to be exploited, weak and dependent on someone, I know that guilt is just something that stops you from doing what you want to do, I know that knowing what is right or wrong, the so called conscience is clearly defined by society standards, I guess that is one part I don’t understand, are people born with a conscience or do they just follow the rules the society has set down as norms?….You are right though james, I do not understand what it means to feel them, I sometimes wonder what is going on in someone’s head when they love unconditional or give sacrificialy…..I laugh and often come to the conclusion that something is wrong with them, I often wonder why someone could love someone that hurt them, when I dont even have an iota of feeling for someone that has done good to me…..i have just come to the conclusion that we are all wired differently but as I said before, I am aware these feelings or emotions exist, I am aware what they do yo people, and I am also able to mimic those emotions and as well exploit them.

  12. James on the issue of my so called 9000’s list of emotions- pride, disgust and pity these are not the only emotions I feel, u must think I am just a soulless zombie just going through the motions, remember I said I am here just to know more about myself, I just recently found out that I am a psychopath…well u might find that hard to believe or even think I am delusional but the truth is that I have always known even from when I was little that I am different from other people but I just attributed it to being smarter than most people….believe it or not on the surface I am just like any other person, I have family and friends, I go out, have fun, get laid just like any typical teenager(am pretty young so I guess I still have a lot to experience) but as I begin to psychopathy which which I previously attributed to being smarter than people though I am pretty smart. I realize now that I became self aware at a very early, that I have all or almost all the characteristics of a psychopath, I guess judging from my aforementioned emotions, what would be going through your heads is that I am just one of those psychopathic serial killers, I assure you I am not. Being self aware at a very early age and thinking that I was always the smartest person in the room helped me to observe, control and manipulate my environment to suit me, I think I can classify the emotions I feel into two aspects….my basic emotions and my derived emotions. Pride and a sense of self worth- I would say that this is my crowning jewel, I had always felt proud that I could outsmart anyone, lie, steal and cheat but never getting caught, I remember refusing to study for a test and knowing I would pass it if I studied but would prefer to cheat with a smirk on my face and thinking that I can get away with anything, I feel proud at being able to take control of my life and not worrying about some stupid rules set by someone long dead before I was even born…Disgust,-this is one of my basic emotions I am actually disgusted by how the world function, I question most of society norms, who ever set a standard for what is acceptable and what is not, why would I go to prison if I steal? if I commit fraud? if I do whatever I like?….i guess I understand that the society would not be able to function without these rules, but I dont care and it doesn’t stop me from being disgusted by the fact that feels that he is in control of me, I also feel disgust at seeing how weak people are, if you do not like something, fix it and stop bitching about it even reading some comments on this site I was like seriously….i guess people have this want for self pity instead of taking control of their life and that disgust me…furthermore I can and do feel happy, I do feel a sense of accomplishment, I feel adequate, I call these my derived feelings because I make a conscious effort to feel them, I do exiting things to feel happy, visit new places, take up hobbies, meet new people……I guess to me the opposite of boredom is happiness, If I need to feel accomplished, I take on a new project, something I have never done before and get it done, I feel adequate because I know who I am, what I can do, being able to do them successfully without limitations. So james this summarizes my 9000’s list of emotions…..but I guess you should be able to known as you are also a psychopath.

    1. “So, yah, I’m um pretty smart, um, I’m super self aware, yah, and um ewww society, disgusting, i’m different than most people because i’m like um, a psychopathic, and um manipull8 the system man, i mean like woooaahh, i have all these 9000 emotions yah, i totally get that joke, yah, and ummmmm, shit like that, and im really great, so there! Yah. I’m totally bonding with u by sayingn ur a psychopathic too”

      BLA BLA BLA BLA

      1. I have this app called Spreed (it speed reads webpages for you), which has a little box with estimated reading time. When I wrote my first comment, it estimated 5 mins, now it’s at 28 mins and showing no sign of slowing.

  13. Yeah james I guess I write to much or I write all the obvious stuff that everyone knows so lets go deeper afterall the discussion is all about understanding the psychology of a psychopath, believe me or not my sole aim here is not just for attention seeking though a little attention seeking hurt anyone, I am also here to learn because I have come to discover that with knowledge comes control. Since we are trying to uncover the mystery of a psychopath, I’ll use my self as a case study, as all normal people differ in ideas, views, characters and believes so also do psychopaths, in all my ways of dealing with people I have to observe that normal people are very predictable as compared to psychopaths, they almost always do and behave the same way when faced with similar situations whereas you might all have a general view of the characteristics of a psychopath, but it just goes deeper than that, whereas normal people are mostly ruled by emotions, the motivations of psychopaths are more complex than that. I for one am motivated by different things, the first being Control….while others may seat back and allow things happen, I one the other hand take control of my environment, I make things happen, I dont sit back, compromise or complain about a situation instead I dominate and take charge of that situation. I am also motivated by attention, love, hate or dislike it doesn’t matter to me( since I obviously can’t get my feelings hurt). I am also motivated by intellectual gratification as I happen to get satisfaction from intellectual pursuits in any field as far as I am able to out know the other person. I am also motivated by high level of activities, I like to be stimulated, to make sure that there are no boring moments, to live my life on the fast lane, I am easily bored so I abhor any semblance of calmness. I am also motivated by material possessions and comforts, I tend to acquire all I can and with any means necessary so that I can solely be dependent on me. So compared to normal people who are mostly motivated by emotions love, friendship, honor and trust which I view as weaknesses, I instead fill my emotional void with material motivations….You may think my life is dull and colorless, but think again because it is more complicated than you could phantom.

    1. Did u mean more complicated than you could fathom?? But yes … I think you are like phantoms… Ghosts on an empty wheel of life. Lots of people are motivated by material gain. They need to, to survive. They just don’t get this from duping and conning other people. It takes strength and courage to be seen for who you really are. The fact that you ‘hide’ is to me a weakness. You don’t have the courage to be genuine to who you are. True socios are merely made up of other people’s lives. Regular people are unique, individual all different. Whereas u all follow same pattern over and over. Like ground hog day.

      1. Yeah…I meant fathom, but I guess I gave you an idea you could use, what got me interested is the hiding part, hiding is not a weakness, it is a means to an end, after all I am being awfully truthful here, i cant remember when last I opened up or was this truthful, my point being that I cannot just walk up to an unsuspecting victim and announce that I am a psychopath I mean that is just plain stupid, being able to mirror, mimic and adapt to different personalities is definitely not a weakness but a strength. The society we live in work on rules, do you really expect someone who doesn’t live by the rules to allow to be seen for who they truly are, I mean come on, why do you think they are many pyscho’s in prisons today….we cannot be genuine about who we are because the society does not accept who we are, therefore we are forced to find loopholes or shortcuts to be able to successfully function in the society

      2. Imagine spending your life hiding. That is a lonely world as nobody really loves u for who you are. My ex would say to be at various incarnations (obvs I knew who he was I wrote this site)… He would say ‘I can be whoever I want to be’ I found that so frustrating and thought ‘just be you’ it was like his perception of who he was wasn’t good enough so he had to be what people wanted to see.

      3. Nikki, do you really think psychopaths could be themselves (no mask, no lying, no charm) and still be accepted by individuals and society at large?

        Most of us didn’t just one day decide “Today I’m going to create a fake persona and start spinning a lifelong web of deceit, what a lark!”. we did it in response to the realisation that people didn’t like the real us.

        Being myself was fine with other kids until about the age of 11 when I started to be marked out as weird and creepy. By 14, my peers actively hated and were frightened of me, because I didn’t know how to fit in and consequently lashed out in overt ways. It was only after I (1) discovered how to make people laugh and (2) learned how to create a full-on mask that my life changed for the better.

        Admit it, you people don’t want some cold megalomaniac robot with a penchant for sharp things and fire, they want intelligence, wit, charm, seduction, and emotional expressivity (a word I have possibly just made up). Maybe you’re right, maybe we’re all cowards. But if you were lumped with all of the so-called ‘worst’ character traits but unlike your autistic cousins by a twist of fate you also had the ability to manipulate and excel at fitting in and getting things done, wouldn’t you make the same choice?

      4. Honestly for me personally I would prefer the real person. Not a fake one. I tend not to judge. My work is with homeless people. Today with youth homeless. so I see bad behaviour a lot sometimes. It doesn’t make me like that person less. I would prefer to see the bad and the truth, than see fakery and a lie. But that is just me. How can you love yourself when you can’t be yourself? Life being a game competition and winning I would find exhausting. It takes so much effort? Or it would for me.

      5. No I don’t think I could be different to who I am? I guess it’s two different languages. Maybe the core of this is motivation? What is your motivation to hide and what is my motivation to be me? You see if I have bad traits (we all do) eventually I learn and therefore change and evolve. I dont think socios do that (learn from past mistakes)

      6. You could if you were a sociopath. That’s the point I was making.

        My motivation is that my life is better for faking it, but like that quoted article in my blog post says, it is a catch 22 situation between an empty, unreal life and a lonely one where people hate me. If I was even more antisocial I wouldn’t mind that so much, and I could just live like a hermit, but in reality I need human company.

        We can learn from past mistakes, but it is difficult so we more often than not don’t. For every lesson learned, there’s two that get forgotten, if you catch my drift.

      7. You try to take easy route. But in truth there is no easy route through life. Once he said to me you are so valuable as u are only one who knows real me. I can only show true me with you. But true him was intense. He had to dominate. No matter if he said he wouldnt he had to. He had to control and I wasnt going to put up with that so there were huge fights. Even when he met someone new, and was trying to tell me he had changed. He didn’t stalk her like he did me, and he has ‘learned’ ha next breath he would tell me how he has been following me online. He was always happy when I wrote nice things. Didn’t really care if I wrote bad things. He couldn’t be with me without being obsessed having ownership possession and control and that was never going to happen again. I think he felt sad to lose me and in his head he hasn’t. Although he has.

      8. So you admit that even you, with your unusually open mind and abnormally high empathy, couldn’t handle a psychopath being himself around you.

        I’m not trying to win an argument (okay, that’s part of it), I am trying to make you understand why the masks are necessary. Why? Because I quite like you and I think your input may be very valuable to me, as long as I don’t fuck it up.

      9. Yes i could we were together for 3.5 years but…. I had to move on and have my own life back. I couldn’t live that crazy life anymore. The more I tried to have my own life the worse it became. The more he tried to hold onto me, the worse it got. In the end in December I decided I wanted to return to work. Writing this site was too isolating (as u can imagine he knew my every thought). I wanted and needed my freedom back. It was like I had to get past this barrier. I knew I couldn’t be with him and live a normal life. A life with other people in it. Working having my own friends. He wanted to give it to me. But there was no way that could ever happen. Even if he wanted it. You know it’s nice for me to be honest here too.

      10. Yes, so you COULDN’T. 3.5 years is not very long compared to a lifetime, is it? Hell, you barely got half way to the seven year itch! You could hack it for a little while, but ultimately it took its toll. It doesn’t belittle you to admit it 🙂

        It’s like saying drugs don’t affect you because you managed to recreationally snort coke for 3 years before you developed an addiction.

      11. If I had been happy to continue life writing this site. Would have been fine. But I needed to be around people. Be back in the working world. I get inspiration from lots of people. I have worked with loads of diagnosed psychos. My field is working in homeless sector. For the time that I didn’t have emotional connection. It worked ok between us. If I had been stuck like that forever we would have worked. In 2014 I tried to channel him so got this product to sell on eBay. As long as I was too. He was occupied. Had me under the radar. And could win and be In competition. He also liked to analyse other sellers to outdo them. During that time we had as normal a life as was possible. But then I needed to change. I had to grow. I couldn’t be traumatised anymore. I needed to work in real world. If I hadn’t and had been happy being at home writing we might have been ok. I just found it exhausting. I always had to stay ahead of the game. Once his insecurities slipped in again, the lies started and it escalated. I knew I couldn’t have a normal life. Go to work. Be around other people and be with him. He would have destroyed it. As to him. I belonged to him.

      12. So in other words “Yes, James, you’re right”.

        Seriously, if you have uncovered a secret third option during your work with homeless psychopaths, I’d love to hear it. If not… I guess I’ll keep looking 🙂

      13. What we’ve been talking about. (1) Living a fake life that ultimately leads to lies and tears or (2) living a real life that gets me chased out of town by an angry mob. Sorry that wasn’t clear.

      14. Yes, in general terms, it is the only way to get what I want. But I want this kind of interaction (that we’re having now) with someone in real life. It is a more rewarding way of dealing with someone.

      15. You say you do. But when faced with it. You probably wouldn’t. We never really talked about it. If I tried he would get angry and change the subject. So I would write about the behaviour. So he knew I knew.

      16. It must make u angry to be who someone else wants to see. To be their puppet really. No wonder u get pissed off. I would too. You say u hide as u don’t want people to hate you. Yet lying, duping, conning, deceiving makes people hate you. The end result is nearly always the same? Loads of effort for to be honest not much reward? Apart from getting one over on someone?

      17. Yes, it’s unfulfilling and ultimately anger-inducing (vocab ???) to sustain a pretence. I hate making an effort for someone else’s sake, but it is necessary.

        I agree dishonesty is just as bad. Worse really.

        If you know an alternative, I’m all ears 🙂 Well, not all ears, that would be ridiculous.

      1. Everything I post is sensible at least to me….if someone doesn’t feel something is sensible it is because they are not able to make sense of or wrap their heads around it

    2. I always gave my boyfriend props for being so motivated and take charge, dominate… but it always ended the same way after all this incredible work to establish a business… he ended up conning, lying , cheating and duping people or banks or his own employees to serve his needs. Thus ruining what he had already accomplished so beautifully. I saw this over and over again. I call it the hamster wheel. running running and going no where.

  14. Positivagirl everyone is different from every other person, not just normal or regular people but not everyone can be unique, being unique has to do with the individual in question. I am unique because I think differently than most people I know, I apply logic and reason to find the solution to problems. I have an unusual amount of intuition when it comes to people, I am able to figure out motivations and intentions with a high rate of accuracy. Even with people whom I’ve had very little interaction with. I don’t fit stereotypes very well. I’m often the smartest one out in a group. I surprise people often with my reactions and perspectives .I have a high EQ, which I feel is incredibly useful, particularly when it comes manipulating people so I make a point of flexing and improving these skills. I love to read and have the ability to absorb and apply abstract principles, and transfer these points of learning to other fields and applications, which I’m told is a relatively rare ability. I love being different and surprising and not fitting stereotypes. I’m rather pleased to be me. I have a great self esteem and good confidence which makes me willing to seek out and accept challenges….I’m not afraid of failure. In fact I think it is an essential part of the experimental process that gets you to succeed. This is why I’m unique. Do I sound arrogant? Or just self aware? Or do I sound like I am made up of other peoples live. So Positivagirl I leave you with the question, why are you unique

    1. I am unique as I learn from past experiences. Sometimes I repeat mistakes until I do learn. All of us have different experiences apart from socios who set up the same experiences over and over. It is probably my experiences that has made me who I am. Partially. Also experiencing things with others. As socios don’t learn from past mistakes they repeat same thing over and over fine tuning their ‘skill’.

      1. Am sick of hearing all these bullshit of psychopaths not learning from past mistakes…..we dont just learn from mistakes as you do…I you put your finger in a fire and get burned you would learn not to put your finger in the fire ever again whereas if I put my finger in the fire and get burned I will learn how to minimize or reduce the effect of the burn on my finger….i will continue to try until I get it right after all the end justifies the means.

      2. See that to me sounds like hard work. Things you lot do make life harder work. Like for example lying. You can lie just because when in terms of consequences of actions telling truth might be easier for you. But hiding and protecting the lie is more important than telling the truth. From where I sit, it makes life so much harder work. I think it’s a deficiency in the brain.

    2. Remember on this site I am talking about sociopaths who are made. Not psychopaths who are born. They mirror other people becoming just like them. Developing hobbies and interests just like the people who they are with. Cloning other people. For their own needs and ends.

      1. Your psycho / socio distinctions aren’t scientific. Most psychologists (not all admittedly) treat the two words as interchangeable and there is no consensus on whether we are born, made both or either. (In my case, I think it was both).

      2. James I beg to differ, the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath is that sociopaths feel emotions but they tend to shut it down whereas we dont feel or have never felt any emotions ….that brings me to the question of who is more of a risk to the society? the psychopath or the sociopaths. I think both psychopaths and sociopaths present risks to society, because we will often try and live a normal life while coping with restrictions placed on our true selves by the society. But I feel psychopathy presents the greatest risk to your “perfect” society , because we experience a lot less guilt connected to our actions….we have a greater ability to dissociate from our actions…..and without emotional involvement, any pain that others suffer is meaningless to a us, that is why many famous serial killers have been psychopaths but remember not all psychopaths or sociopaths are violent. So who would you be most worried about, I would like to hear your view on this Positivagirl

  15. It does match up with reality because I have observed real people and have met sociopaths who are not happy with the way they are or the things they do and want to change but seem stuck that alone tells you that they have a conscience but choose to ignore it…sociopathy often results from environmental abuse such as physical abuse and childhood trauma.

      1. I have a very good intuition when it comes to human behaviors… I dont rely on any academic papers or research papers when it comes to human behaviors, I prefer to observe and witness human behaviors on my own.

      2. Yes, you and me both. But I don’t trust that what you say to me is the truth, because you would rather win this argument than teach somebody something new.

    1. I agree with you there kal. I witnessed trauma triggers that caused the narc rages. There is a psychiatrist in UK that did research on it. But nobody wanted to listen. I wrote to him as his findings were what I had observed too.

      1. Yeah I definitely don’t see myself as a sociopath, even if someone parties use both psychopath and sociopath interchangeable….i am the way I am because this is who I am….i was raised up in a Christian household(my parents were pastors), even when I started my juvenile deliquencies my parents chalked it off as childhood rebellion, but as I began to understand myself, mimic and adapt to the society and become in their eyes the person they wanted me to be, they believed I have changed. I had been exposed to morals and ethics at an early age and even though I didn’t understand them then, I knew this was the way I was expected to act and I learned to act that way. As a psychopath I am not influenced by the environment either positively or negatively….i just observe, learn and use whatever works in other to survive the society restrictions whereas sociopaths understand morals, they just choose to ignore it

      2. How did u get to have a diagnosis? Not many would choose to go for treatment. What happened to give you a diagnosis. I think psychopaths are calmer than sociopaths. Also more dangerous.

  16. Give me a break james I wonder what made you think I was a she though…but I could care less about your teasing, I guess I put in more effort because I was trying to learn a thing or two and I also happen to enjoy attention

      1. Am not a writer, so I guess I didnt know that someone could have a feminine or masculine tone to their writing…as for the name, its just something I made up while post here….I knew I had not revealed my sex here so I was just curious to know why you thought I was a she….though I am not denying nor affirming anything

      2. Its not all bullshit. A psychopath doesn’t give the game away. They are too tight. Remember I said I pick up energy. The energy is different. Energy of psychopath bothers me. Energy of a sociopath doesnt.

      3. Okay, that’s an interesting take on it. I won’t take it as truth, but I will remember it and compare with future findings.

      4. I mean face to face. They don’t trust people for a start and would believe that someone else would use that information against them. They would never do that even if they knew that the other person knew or had a good idea. They would still hide. Even when there was no point to it ‘just in case’.

      5. But you said you would like to. I can’t think of any circumstance apart from one I have just mentioned where a true socio or psycho would want to. Protecting the lie is paramount.

      6. All I can say to rebuff you is you think in too many absolute terms. You say ‘always’ and ‘never’ far too much for everything you say to be true. In my own experience, there are very few certainties in life.

        But, in the same vein I am not so set on being an ‘opath’ that I will say you’re definitely wrong. If I was a full-blown NPD narcissist, wouldn’t this be my false self that I had to maintain at all costs? I doubt I could laugh at myself or admit to mistakes or faults either.

        To be honest, I don’t need any label really, I just picked the one that fit best, if it’s not quite right then so be it. What I have is what any human has: a collection of traits. Some of those traits can be grouped into disorders, some are apparently normal. And I am rambling so I’m going to stop.

      7. Its all games really. Today he is texting complaints that i used his email in a post and went to the police. Stupid as i just laugh and know he doesnt care anyway. See it never changes and its always the same.

      8. No, I’m not going to get anything useful out of you after all. All you do is repeat yourself and go on ad nauseum about the ex you’ve supposedly moved on from.

        Bye bye.

      9. Only time they would disclose is when it was In their interests to do so (someone has found out and they need to show they know error of their ways and have either made a full recovery or just about to) so they would claim. Otherwise forget it.

  17. Yeah i believe that too, we are born not made. What makes you think I can be diagnosed as a psychopath…..i know who I am because I am self aware, I think a shrink have a hard trying to diagnose me, I can just picture that…I am posting here doesn’t mean I go around telling people who I am….if people knew the real you then there’s no need for all of this, wouldn’t you agree?

      1. “No, SHE said HE recently discovered SHE was a psychopath. HE didn’t say anything about being diagnosed.” ? Circles

  18. James not knowing who you really are is a weakness, because if you don’t know who you really are then you cannot know your weaknesses , and if you don’t know your weaknesses…you could just be easily exploited as a regular person…….just an advice from one psycho to another

      1. Wow what gave me away….it was too tempting not to ask….i was expecting some psychological mumbo-jumbo….and all I got was one word “pouty face”

    1. Yes, but its the name of it tbh?! Its called ‘no psychos’ am not bashing it I think it is good that you write articles personally. Why I never mind socio’s commenting here. They come in waves I find.

      However – this blog isn’t called no psycho’s its about dating one…. so, having two sides of the story – is fair and what the blog is about (that is if the other side is honest) – mostly I find they are.

      This is why I find it a bit ironic, not sure if it is meant to be clever, I lean more to the side of ironic 🙂

      1. It’s not ironic or clever. It reflects the spirit the blog was founded upon (before I became involved).

        Anyway, it doesn’t matter, I’m not a psycho or a socio, remember.

      2. I haven’t found that. I don’t need a sociopath to explain sociopathy to me. So if you write something and it is what I already observed I know it’s the truth.

      3. a) because we’re selfish and don;t care about other people b) to confuse.

        But you’re guilty of the same, answering my question with a question that is completely unrelated.

  19. Because trolling feeds their egos and gives them a sense of worth (especially those with a dose of narcissism). Without having someone to mirror, they have no self worth. It doesn’t matter if they’re being praised or condemned – someone is paying attention to them. That’s all it takes.

    1. Good or bad attention makes no difference when you are emotionally mute. I think that is how they play people. By playing on their need to be nice and do the right thing. when the truth is they don’t care either way it’s all the same to them.

      1. Go on, give me some attention now. Go on. Do it. Do it. Look at me. Over here. Look, look what I’m doing. You’re not looking, why aren’t you looking?!

  20. I just looked at my phone and saw 233 new emails in my otherwise rarely used mailbox, majority of which were just from new comments on this blog. I knew right away that it must be due to comments on this site cause by you know what. A very clear cut example of how the SP can dominate your time and attention for their own satisfaction. Reading only a few of these comments provides a very clear lesson on the double-talk and language and methods, as positiva says, very predictable and nearly textbook behaviour that we have seen from so many SPs before.

    Thank you for the demonstration positiva, I think it will help others recognize the pattern and help identify SPs in their own lives.

    Blue

  21. Why are there people who would bring it down?

    Simply put, they want to go on committing mayhem without anyone becoming wise to their mentality. And the last thing they’d like you to know is that they, not you, have a character disorder which is a decided flaw in their social perception. They are quite demented!

    I find the same is true when people argue their right to defraud others of sex on my blog. I’ve adopted the philosophy that when they put you down, it’s a sure sign you’re on the right track!

    Keep up the good work. 😉

  22. I’m replying to this comment here because it didn’t give me the option:

    positivagirl says:

    August 3, 2015 at 11:07 pm

    Its not all bullshit. A psychopath doesn’t give the game away. They are too tight. Remember I said I pick up energy. The energy is different. Energy of psychopath bothers me. Energy of a sociopath doesnt.

    Can you elaborate on this? Do you feel a certain type of energy in the presence of these people? What do you feel?

    1. That is an interesting question. With a psychopath there is nothing going on inside at all. They more clever slick…. it’s an eerie feeling. With a sociopath they are like children ridiculous trouble and your entire time is spent focusing on them and their needs. A psychopath energy is more calm than the sociopath I felt a sense of danger around the psychopath that I didn’t feel around the sociopath (most of the time) I found zero conscience with the psychopath. There was nothing inside. A psychopath feels still and silent (even if they are not) a sociopath brings drama and chaos (just because).

  23. Love this site !
    But James is an attention ho!
    My dad is narcissistic and my husband of 18 years is a sociopath. I know a nut and James is a Douchbag !
    Peace

  24. the more you describe it, the more i realize that I was with a psychopath. I still can’t even let that sink in. Like the cool calmness….the calculation and subtlety of the manipulations. He seemed to be six steps ahead and three layers deeper than even the police, the lawyers, judge, his family, his bosses etc….

    Always had to dominate, be admired and above all WIN !

    They also dont mind drama and chaos because they have mastery over that.
    People always said the victims were addicted to the drama, the chaos was familiar. but in my case i know that i loved the calm i felt….the relief….the coolness was very magnetic. You know he can handle anything that comes our way. Since that was usually my job, i loved that. They have a lot of power, i felt like i could finally submit that he would be handle the real me??!!! For a little while this brings a feeling of peace and contentment….this is a very dangerous moment almost like the prey that freezes right before he’s eaten…

    It is incredibly weird and scary to write these things down and then SEE what just came out of your mouth (pen). Just can NOT believe it

  25. i also want to thank you for all you do for us positivagirl. You have so much courage, one of the very first to lay it all out there. Even in the pain and confusion 2 years ago….your truth and integrity was so clear and strong…..your compassion so real that i could use it as the foundation of a journey to healing. For me, it’s been like that tiny night light for the children….comfort in the darkness and also it started a silver sliver of the smallest hope that somehow it’ll be alright, don’t worry. Thank you

  26. My wife of 8 yrs was seduced and manipulated by a sociopath that was also a HS friend… She fell in love, moved out, planned a new life, and made us lose our house…

    Should the fact this guy is a sociopath have any bearing? She wants me back more than anything now…

      1. Marriage was really good… Best friends and lovers… She lost weight, was seduced by this sociopath, and things went to shit….

        I then lost weight, filed for divorce, got my confidence back… And the sociopath dumped her..

        I really want it never to have happened… But oh well.

        Iam pretty sure I can trust her…. Just want to know if the sociopath factor should be weighed more heavily…. She’s a smart girl, I can understand why she made those decisions….

      2. You sound like an understanding husband dave. No I don’t think he has an impact. Only thing is how much of your wife’s mind is he in. Even when it is horrific and we can see that they brainwash us by saying key words so we think of them or feel attached to them. That is the only thing.

        1. Can you fully forgive?
        2. Is she over him?

        You might benefit from couples counselling.

        You might find she has changed and this might be upsetting. They are experts at brainwashing.

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