Working in the homeless sector for most of my life, many of my clients also faced addictions. These addictions were of various nature, but including, drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs, even addiction to crime and anti social behaviour, also co-dependency in an abusive relationship.
I first read the book by Allen Carr ‘The Easyway to quit smoking’ about 30 years ago and over many years. I thought that his model was perfect, and what he said about quitting smoking in this tiny book, made perfect sense to me. I applied the same method when working with people with addictions. Also, when trying to quit smoking, on my office wall, I stuck a photo of a guy injecting himself with a needle, with nicotine. My clients often laughed, those who were on a methadone script and quitting hard drugs, would often say
Ooh No way could I quit smoking Nik, it’s my only vice
I often found it amusing, how they could be successful on their programme to quit heroin or crack cocaine, but thought the idea of quitting tobacco, was just too hard to do. Of course, this is all about perception of the mind. We are what we think. The mind can be more powerful than we are. What we think, can really drive what we do, and how successful we are at ‘what we do’.
We all know that smoking isn’t good for you. But many people smoke, for no other reason than the addiction. They might tell themselves that they enjoy it, and it relaxes them, but really this isn’t true. They smoke for one reason, addiction.
Sticking to the No contact rule is the same thing, and the same principles apply.
Firstly you need to have a reason to quit. Sometimes, you don’t have a choice if your abuser leaves you. When this happens, you might feel stuck in limbo, waiting for your crazy ex to contact you, and offer closure. If this is you, please read the article, why you will never get closure from a sociopath, to understand why closure isn’t something that sociopaths give (this would require them thinking of someone other than themselves). Sociopaths always think ME FIRST, not just sometimes, but all of the time.
To quit in the easiest way possible, you need to do the following
- Have a reason to quit
- Set a date for quitting
- Understand that at first you are quitting an addiction, so try to get through the initial pain barrier
- Write a plan to get through the initial difficult stages
- Expect that you might feel strong, and then weak again. If you do period of weakness, or a strong pull to relapse, this is absolutely normal. What this isn’t, is a reason to return to your abuser! Try instead to put a reward system in place (have you ever seen sticker reward charts for children?) – of course, grown ups require rewards, that are more substantial than stickers, so reward yourself with something that makes you feel happier. Now is the time for treats, not further punishment.
The importance of rewards
It is important when focusing on no contact, to reward yourself. I want you to understand that the no contact rule is for a good reason. It isn’t to punish the sociopath, neither is it to punish you. The purpose of sticking to no contact is:
- To stop the abuse
- To regain control of your life
- To undo brainwashing and mind control
- To bring focus and attention back to you
- To rebuild your life, and start moving forward
- To let go so that you can grow
Working with clients with addiction, it was important to write a plan.
- What do you want to achieve?
- How are you going to achieve it?
- What measures are you going to put into place, to achieve your goal?
- What is your time frame?
- How will you know that you have succeeded? – how will you reward yourself along the way?
All through the process, it is never about holding your breath, and hoping that there will be a magical day that you will feel better. If you do this, it will take far longer, and one day you will grow tired of holding your breath, and could break no contact. Not having a plan, puts you at risk of breaking no contact. Not having a plan, makes no contact more difficult. Not having a plan, increases the likelihood of failure.
What do recovery plans look like?
A recovery plan, is about bringing the focus back to YOU!
- What do you want to achieve?
- Where do you want to be?
- What do you want your life to look like?
- Where do you want to be6 months- 1- 3-5 years from now?
- How are you going to get there?
- Do you have old skills that you can use to help you to rebuild?
- What of your old life do you want to bring from your past, and what would you like to let go of?
- What/who makes you feel happy? (and not the sociopath, or ANY socio related activity!!! I am sure that you had happy times before meeting the psycho loon that invaded your life)
Rewarding yourself is important, and an important part of the plan. It would dependent on the type of sociopath that you have dated, not all are financial parasites, some are high functioning ones who pay for themselves, and use money to pay for you and own you. If you dated a low functioning one who saw you as their financial bank, immediately you should feel financial gain, as they are no longer living off of you. Maybe you were isolated – so now is the time to rebuild social networks, to get back into work. Did you face huge losses? If so, now is the time to rebuild.
LET GO OF FEAR – THE PERSON WHO DESTROYED YOUR WORLD IS NOT THE PERSON TO HELP YOU REBUILD!
It took me a long time to get this part through my head. At one point, my thinking was so far off beam, I thought that perhaps this had happened to me, to write this website! – I know… I know….
I lived in constant fear. I believed lies that were told to me. The biggest lie of all, was that I told myself that I NEEDED the sociopath.
I didn’t. He needed me more than I needed him.
The work on this website, is true. The posts about healing and recovery, are also true. I sometimes wondered, and asked myself
Did I have any right offering this advice and support, when my own life wasn’t yet rebuilt?
Yes, I did. I did, as looking back now, what I did (eventually), was exactly what was written in posts on this site. This was what I knew worked when working with clients for decades. I had seen results, over and over.
What if I relapse?
RELAPSE IS NOT FAILURE. YOU WILL ALWAYS LEARN WITH EACH FAILED QUIT. When you quit again, it will be far easier. Each failed quit, is a pathway to success not failure. Of course if you quit first time, fantastic. But realistically you are not the sociopath. You are a person with real feelings and emotions. Sociopaths have no real emotions, you do. So it WILL hurt, and sometimes that pain can seem overwhelming. The bigger the heart, the more difficult it can be. Yes, it hurts. But you need to know that breaking with no contact, will only hurt more. The patterns WILL repeat. Only this time, it will repeat quicker. Then swiftly you regret your decision.
IF YOU RELAPSE DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP!!!
In summary
- See it as a bereavement
- Give yourself time
- Reward yourself
- Small steps – take it one day at a time
- REWARD YOURSELF
- Make plans for the future and work towards those plans
- YES it is all about you!
- If you relapse, forgive yourself, you will soon want to quit again
Finally, and most importantly…….
Remember that it is always 20 (maybe more) times easier to return than it is to leave them!
All rights reserved copyright datingasociopath.com 2015
Dating a Sociopath 
This is wonderful advice! I have been broken up with my ex for 3 months now. I was doing so well with no contact but slipped up last week. A mutual old friend had contacted me and said he had met up with my ex and his new girlfriend (the woman he left me for). That hit me like a ton of bricks. So, it was late at night and, in a moment of weakness, I looked at his Facebook. I felt bad immediately, seeing pictures of he and his new girlfriend and his love-bombing posts of how in love he is, how he finally found his ‘soul mate,’ and blah, blah, blah (typical sociopath tactics). I logged off, cried, and promised myself I’d never snoop again.
Funny thing, another friend of mine had heard he wasn’t doing as well as he was portraying. Long story short, he is pulling a lot of the same crap with her that he did with me–cheating, lying, drugs, alcohol, and running off with friends for days at a time. I imagine he is giving her puppy dog eyes and gaslighting her to all hell.
For all you other readers:
*Do not waste anymore of your time on these kinds of people. They will not (and most likely never did) bring anything positive to your life. Your peace and quiet away from them is the greatest gift they could have given you.
*Put yourself first. (I’m graduating college in the next couple of months and hopefully grad school–something I put off for years with my ex).
*Realize and appreciate that every experience is a lesson. (at the very least, now you know who you don’t want to be or have in your life. Appreciate the fact that you can actually feel compassion, empathy, and have integrity that a sociopath cannot fathom. IMO, without those characteristics, you are devoid of a fulfilling life. Like the saying, you have to lose to know what it feels like to win. Sociopaths are never invested enough to lose anything).
Much love, y’all.
Loved your post Mattie. I agree with everything…except in my case, I did come away with some positive things. While it lasted, I got hundreds of dollars in cash and gifts…including clothes, money, a new computer, a chain saw, a dryer, AND love bombed out of my mind with his BS. I enjoyed it while it lasted.
Yet, I never lived with him or even had sex with him (not that I didn’t try), but as a cerebral narcissist, that cat couldn’t not only didn’t have a clue what to do, but he was completely unable (severe impotent!). to function in bed. That’s okay!
Yes, the abuse was so bad I never wanted to move in with him..the discard was ugly and painful! All turned out for the best. He got his ATM cash cow who’s turned over financial control of her properties to him..and I am hooking up again with my first love who is a normal, healthy man!
All in all, I think I fared better than most victims. No complaints. I grew a lot as a person and human being. I’m stronger and better than ever! Oh yes, at nearly 5 years out, so I’m healed now, and doing fine.
Peace to you all, and best wishes!
Great comment thank you!!
Mattie,
I slipped up yesterday and I’m crying as I post this because with all the information and facts that I have. I still keep wanting to believe he can tell one shred of truth and have one shred of decency. I am under the assumption that since I am too weak to stop all contact after dealing with the repeated hurt, lies and betrayal for 3 yrs that I need professional help. I am lost angry, frustrated and now even questioning if he is really a sociopath or am I just crazy.
Hi. I understand completely. Coincidentally, I was with my ex for over 3 years, as well. He wasn’t even my longest relationship, yet I’ve been more damaged from this breakup than any other one from my past.
I believe that we all go through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In my experience, I float back and forth through the stages. Almost 4 months later and I still float between anger and depression.
If you think you need professional help, do it. To be honest, I’ve been seeing a therapist for the last 6 months. One thing I remember from my therapy was my therapist suggesting I ask myself “Why?”. Why do I miss him? He continually treated me poorly and had no qualms about it. So clearly, I don’t miss his behavior and bad attitude. So why do I miss him? I took a deep look at myself. I concluded I miss him because of the time and effort I put into the relationship, my codependency, and the disappointment I felt by allowing someone to treat me with such disregard (I had low self-esteem). You will come up with your own theories.
Also, my therapist (having never met my ex) said that my ex may or may not be a psychopath. Regardless, it does not matter, it is NOT up to me to make judgements on how he chooses to live his life (zero morals)–that’s just who he is. I just need to accept that what he offers (lies, betrayal, cheating, etc.) is NOT something that I want in my life.
I really appreciate my therapy. It has helped me realize that I need to look at myself and figure out why I let someone like my ex treat me so poorly, for so long. Healthy individuals don’t put up with that crap. I’m learning to love myself, be more assertive and set boundaries in my future relationship.
I hope this helps. Know you are not alone. We will all come out on the other side of this and be better people because of it.
You sound like a strong woman, you have inspired me.
I am reading this article at the time when I need it most! I have been no contact for 6 weeks but he texted me yesterday. I was very tempted to respond, and even thought about calling him. I didn’t give in, but today I contemplated reaching out to him again. I’m so glad I read this.i know I want him completely out of my life but the next minute I feel like I have a moment of weakness. The list you have provided is really a help. Thanks for posting!
Tell yourself, not right now…. Maybe tomorrow and keep going. It will be worth it.
Still hard when he is texting me (I blocked his number, but he changed it and texted me from a new one) but I do like your idea of telling myself “maybe tomorrow”!
Yes just manage small chunks of time it is easier that way and not as overwhelming helps you to feel in control.
Oh well done for no contact for six weeks.
I have set a date (8/10/15) and I am actually moving 10 hours away from my abuser who I still live with. He has no idea I am leaving since when I have told him in the past I wanted to leave his manipulative tactics just increased and last time he pushed me down really hard. I have been living with dating this sociopathic man for three years and this article is so right. This is NOT love. It is an addiction and this man has been mine. I must get out for good to save my soul and save my life. I am not trying to be melodramatic. Truly, the cycles I go through with him have gotten worse in every way possible. He has also increased his drug use and this heightens my fear factor with him. Everything has always been about him, but I know I am improving because now when he says “I love you” I know it is not real and he says this just because he wants something.
I hope and pray I can make this move and “ride” through the initial pain of separating from my addiction so I don’t relapse again.
Well done. Setting a date is good. As it will help you to plan to get your head space somehow together. You can do this
No contact is the appropriate solution, however, I share kids with their abusibe father. That means that I have to communicate and see him almost every day. Needless to say– it continues to be a nightmare and the legal system doesn’t help! This has been extremely damaging both to me and our kids.
Does he have to have contact daily? A lot of separated parents have visitation at weekends. With children it is even more important to keep boundaries. Strong ones, for you and your children, and don’t back down. I found that if you were firm, they might sometimes respect it if they know that you won’t break down, ever.
Nikki- as usual, great timing on this fresh article! Love the set up of this new-look webpage! The fonts, the colors and presentation- much easier to read, dig it!
You had written me, personally, and I was going to read this and write you back but thought I should “get some wordsmith time” in! And sharing with the group is what this whole thing is about, so here it goes:
I had done great, no contact for months this year. But around my birthday back in April, my SPATH sent me a warm email ( which I foolishly read) and then called me when I was on the other line, I didn’t look B4 answering. I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but the mere hearing of his sexy low voice would hook me in, always has! Anyway, I engaged conversation which led to, you guessed it, the millionth go aroud with this clod. I knew it would not end well, and I purposely warned all my friends, that I had taken the plunge into darkness, once again! Most got that “oh dear” look on their faces when I pronounced my latest mistake.
BUT, I had had my sis come up and visit me right before this and we got into a horrible argument, one that left me crying, desperate, and confused. My sis and me are on strained ground since, not only a river of past discontent, but also, she’s just a bitch! I think she has psycho problems as it runs in my family ( my dad, I came to realize, is a SPATH! ).
Anyway, after her ill-fated visit fresh in my mind, I came to think “Fuck, if my own god damned family can treat me this way, then…)! I even told my SPATH this theory, and reopened the door to him. Funny, he did seem different this time. More cordial, loving
( saying the “I luv U” tag line we all on here so desperately want to hear )….BUT, the dark side soon reared its ugly head. I think it was within a week or so. It was a subtle put down, a glancing blow to my oh-so-sensitive ego, that I took notice. I immediately called him out, saying this time there would be no more tolerences. If you are honestly coming back in my life because you HONESTLY love me, than you will TREAT ME AS SUCH! This would make him step back seemingly, and he even said that he was seeking therapy and started his weekly sessions! So I thought, “okay, he is trying”, “Wow! Is this real this time?”, ETC
Fast forward to last couple of weeks. I had finally come to have my surgery that has been a long time in coordinating and scheduling, and all the bullshit you do in the states with our pathetic healthcare system ( sorry, another subject…)! But I knew this would be the test to our relationship. You see, in the ensuing months, he quit going to thearapy claiming even his therapist didn’t think he had much fault in his woes ( HA!- Read excellent article on here about SPATHS seeking therapy! ). He told me very little of his sessions, but I really noticed that he was so proud to tell me how he had “graduated” and saw no need to continue. Meanwhile, his personal attacks, petty arguments, stupid jealosy escapades all ramped up ( I know, big shock). So I had my procedure done about a month ago, but about two weeks later, found myself calling 911 in the wee hours, suffering unbearable nonmentionable complications from my surgery! I literally was the old man wailing in pain for the paramedics to come in because I could not get up! It was scary, I was sent to two hospitals and had a cathedar put in ( unbelievabley painful in itself!). Anyway I was released within a few days after an MRI and exploritory surgery found nothing. It was scary, and I was in shock at how exhausted, drained, and numb I was at what had happened to me and this is when I learned of who my REAL friends were. My SPATH? He visited me ONCE at the hospital and you bet I noticed that he brought no get well card or flowers! Hell yeah, IT MATTERED! So fuck it, I thought- I give this bitch a few days. Dude you are treading on thin ice, duh. But, he didn’t get it. Only after a few days of being home, he started pulling more drama to not only get over on me, but to cause agitation, and honey, all the agitation I needed was on my sore body! I was like, “YOU KNOW WHAT?” FUCK YOU, how about that? Just fuck this. I can’t deal with this while trying to get over what has been to me one of the most draining experiences in my life ( scary too)!
So, when he called that last time and I said, hey babe, could you go to the store and pick me up some stuff and he said well why should he have to go out of his way when I wouldn’t do the same for him bullshit, I was like~ oh GOD! OH GOD! I promptly told him goodbye. I blocked his # on phone, both of them. I wrote him an email couple days later, nearly in all caps to basically go fuck himself, I was done. I actually said he was dead to me! Because he is. How he could be so evil to try to hurt me when I felt so bad, to see how he treated me after my horrifying experience- well, it just gushed volumes about how such an evil creature he is. Like I didn’t already know <sigh
So here I am, like 3rd day no contact. I don't care, hell it makes my skin crawl to even think of him. He still calls and leaves messages, emails. I delete them without reading or listening. I don't care. I will never be able to help him and once more, I don't care to. I told him in my scathing email that I hope he has a fucked-up life, not "I wish you the best" because I don't. He is a negative, antagonistic, selfish, arrogant, SNOT. So to hell with this chapter in my life. HEY, I quit smoking! 4 months now almost! When this article talked about this, I was floored! Once again the confirmation from the Universe that I am in the right place in my life- and this home online is my rock. So if I can overcome addiction of cigs I feel empowered that this will be a piece of cake! I have never felt better in my breathing, smelling smells that I have not rememebered since child hood! It is wonderful and you know what my ex did to me? He brought cigs over TWICE and smoked in front of! That was like a slap in the face, because if you guys only knew the drama he gave me early on in our relationship over smoking ( he supposedly was not a smoker but took up the habit in the course of our relations). Anyway, yet more BULLSHIT- GEEEZ. As anyone on here dealing with these creatures, it is never ending.
Hey I may not comment so much anymore like I did couple years ago after my beloved mom and best friend were snatched from me ( and my ex abandoned me for another), but I still read and reflect. All through this latest round I did. Cuz I knew…
Bless Y'all and HANG IN THERE! We shall overcome! Celebrate Pluto pics~ comprehend space, the Universe, it makes me, and my wee little earthbound problems, seem like tiny flecks of dust! We are all so lucky to be able to experience this, we are truly lucky!
Edaldude
and they do keep coming back….my vicious circle lasted over 4y and every time he came back better than before…for a few days, sometimes a few weeks, and then discard would start all over again, with the blame game and my confusion, insisting on answers…until I decided to detach and to keep whatever was left of my sanity; then I found this blog (as they say – the teacher will appear, when student is ready) and everything I read here was like a piece of the biggest crazy puzzle that was finally coming together.
I stopped the contact, and now it’s not part of my game, but I just don’t want anything to do with this leach, a person whom I trusted, while everything was only very cheap theater.
However, now he’s back again, first with his emails, then calls, then trying to connect on fb…when I ignored it all, he blocked my on fb..then kept calling and sending emails…it’s pathetic and I just don’t know when this person will stop trying to find the ‘old’ me…
I thank you this blog from the bottom of my heart for being here for all of us
I have been in an on again off again relationship for 3 yrs. I see the lies, the betrayal, the deceit, yet for some reason I keep hoping he will change. I even question with all the facts pointing to him being a sociopath. I want to make excuses and say that its something else. However the stories I could tell and the things I experienced are anything but normal. I’m so frustrated and angry with myself because I know I need to walk away, but he always knows what to say to pull me right back in. Right now hes being sweet as an angel. Behaving on social media,calling and checking in wanting to spend time,but my instincts tell me he is up to something and to brace myself. God help me. I am too smart for this yet I keep holding on. I am beginning to think I need counseling. Lost and confused.
I think what you are doing is normal needpeace. I did this too. Just because they are disordered, it doesn’t mean to say that you are. You want him to be normal. I bet sometimes he is ok, and things are ok, only for it to go back around in the same crazy cycle all over again. You know what he does, the pattern is always the same. Saying what you need to hear to lure you back in, once he has you, it isn’t long before he is bored, and starting once again, and back to the crazy cycle. Try to write down all the BAD things, how it made you feel damage it did to you, and your life, let this be your mantra, of why this man is bad for you, it will help you at times when you are feeling weak.
Funny you should just reply. Yet again he is caught in a lie. He was so sweet and loving yesterday although I caught him in a lie here and there. Today because he thinks he has pulled me in yet again so hes getting comfortable. I just don’t understand why its so hard for me to follow the no contact. I should hate him for everything he has done. Yet as my friend tells me I have suppressed it and get amnesia to all the things he has done. My family and friends don’t even like to hear his name. Yet I still keep entertaining the none sense. This is why I say I need professional help.
I wonder if you are traumatised neednpeace? Did you go through a horrific time with him that was traumatic? I only ask this, as I also ‘forgot’ things he did, and ‘forgot’ how bad things were. I was operating day by day. I thought that things were better than what they were – oh, that is mind control and mind conditioning.
I will tell you a true story. When I began writing this site in 2013 (some of the best posts on this site are from that time when I wrote almost daily) he was removed from my life. He lived elsewhere. I thought that it was really bad. Even though he wasn’t living with me.
In 2014, I took him back, and in my head I thought it was better than it actually was – the truth is, it wasn’t. At the end of the relationship when we split, my brain was ‘numb’ I couldn’t remember much. I thought that things were good, yet I would look back at other evidence, like photos I would find with bruises over me, always he would ‘sooth things over’ have an excuse, blame me, and I would think that it was just temporary, things would get better, it was my fault, or well he was drunk he couldn’t help it. Always making excuses for his behaviour.
I think this has taught me, that in 2014, by then I was in a better space, therefore he could manipulate and brain wash me. Maybe this is what has happened to you, you have been brainwashed?
Your reply opened the floodgates…..this part of your comment way too familiar…
“In 2014, I took him back, and in my head I thought it was better than it actually was – the truth is, it wasn’t. At the end of the relationship when we split, my brain was ‘numb’ I couldn’t remember much. I thought that things were good, yet I would look back at other evidence, like photos I would find with bruises over me, always he would ‘sooth things over’ have an excuse, blame me, and I would think that it was just temporary, things would get better, it was my fault, or well he was drunk he couldn’t help it. Always making excuses for his behaviour.”
February 2014 I caught him actually caught him in the act cheating. I always suspected but could never prove it. I was heart broken. Something in me died. He called me insecure and immature. I busted him and boldly called him a liar to his face. He became violent. He never hit me before and we had been together a year by then. He kept ramming me into a counter. I had bruises up and down my back. His hand prints were around my arms.I was black and blue and ashamed. I had these marks for weeks and I still have the pictures. That day I mentally remember shutting down. Nothing like this ever happened to me. My family and friends kept telling me I was too smart to beautiful to allow this. I kept wondering why cant he love me. Ive been good to him and he cant do anything for me. He begged me to stay. Threatened suicide, and actually changed or pretended to for 3 mths. Treated me like a princess, spoiled me; everything. Spent all his time with me. Until I decided to check his phone and social media and he’s talking to and was seeing other women again. I confronted him and he called things off. Said he couldn’t be with someone spying on him. He would say he was seeking God and getting his life together. only for his family to tell me he was seeing other women not seeking God. He would of course deny it. I finally decided to stop being everything to him that he wasn’t to me. A best friend, supporter, etc. He decided he wanted a break…seeking God and counseling yet again. That was temporary. He went back to meeting women on social media and reaching out occasionally. I finally backed off all the way January 2015. February he wanted another go. It lasted 2 weeks. I met yet again…another woman he denied dealing with. Here were are into July. I ignored him March-June 2015. His family and friends all cut him off because they too were tired of the lies and being used. His mother to this day and sister will not speak to him. They keep begging me to run and walk away.He called bawling in the phone that he was ending his life 4th of July. I told him go ahead I’m going to bed. I actually was hoping he really went thru with it. ( I felt terrible for feeling that way but I honestly felt this way). As you guessed it he is still alive. He asked for another chance. I told him I needed PROOF. He came up with me just watching and seeing, like I haven’t seen enough. I always get sucked back in because of the same drama he has gone through since I met him. He plays victim.He cant pay his rent, his utilities are about to be cut off, he got put on child support and cant pay it,no one is there for him, yet the woman who always was , me gets disrespected and hurt over and over. Always a pity party about him. My friend just died but the only thing that matters is his financial woes and him needing me to be there for him. Funny whenever I needed him he was never there, too busy doing his own thing until trouble arose again.The only difference this time around is I offer no financial help or support like I did in the past. However I am still drawn to entertain his never ending drama and lies knowing how things will end up.This vicious cycle has to stop…
The only person who can stop this is you. But you already know this. Mine has texted me daily for the last five days. Each day trying something different to get an emotional response. I ignore him he isn’t my problem anymore. Yes you might be valuable to him why he keeps showing up. But he will always be this way. He will continue to keep hurting you. It is sad. As they cant change. We wish they would. But they can’t they always bring doom, heartache, pain, anxiety, trouble, problems. It is who they are and sadly it never gets better. Additionally they also are great at convincing you they are about to make a full recovery and that they have changed and learned their lessons. Know this 1. They never learn 2. They can’t change 3. They might even believe this themselves 4. It wont be long and they will be back to their old selves again. For your own sanity and self esteem you have to leave them behind he isn’t your responsibility and believe me he will be fine. Sociopaths always are.
hi, i was in 3 yr on & off Rship with narcisst too, is it the same man? sounds like it. I live in Victoria Aust. His name start with T. Uncanny same time frame & controlling, he isolated me from seeing my friends & tried to turn me off them, got angry all time & showed signs of becoming violent, pinched me, yelling, raving when things didn’t go his way. he was a happy clown, funny charming in public & when first dated him & he wanted to live 2getha watch over me from the first week together. Very overpowering & controlling under guise of love & protection lol. I have been weak in keeping no contact. we have msgd in Christian chatroom hes born again Christian but don’t act like one with control, anger, pride issues & emotional baggage. We texting since my bday in late aug, 1 or 2x a week. It is addiction yes but I staying strong not answering phone if he rings so not getting persuaded to go back to him, start relatship again as he would control my every move, watch my phone & isolate me from my friends again & get very negative angry in day to day living & he would get bored with routine as always happened before. Only sex was great, physical chemistry was good with frequent fights, anger seemed to make him more sexual or keen to make up sexually. I pray u keep no contact too but its hard. We may have to go cold turkey so I stay strong. He not happy at being turned down by me. I said only love him in my heart. don’t want to go thru fights, anger again, said I cant cope with Rship again with him. set him straight, silence since I sent that sms. I pray u get good counsellor who understands. I had a good one but he went away for 6 wks I cant see him until late Oct if he coming back. Blessings, love, stay strong to u all survivors lovely kind people. xx dragonfly
Dragonfly/Pigletta, you know that you have come so far. Each time you fail at a quit, you learn more for the next time. It is an addiction, and can take a while to undo the mindset that has caused the addiction. This is particularly hard as they DO brainwash you. I know that when I came out of the relationship in January 2015, I could barely remember what happened last week, despite I had written this website. Go back to the beginning, if you start to look at it through rose coloured glasses. Only you can make the decision, and you know am there to support you, whether you are in or out of the relationship x
Pigletta2001
My NS isn’t taking the rejection too well. Now I am the coldhearted cruel individual because I have had enough of the drama, lies and dysfunction and I choose not to engage in any conversation with him. My tolerance has reached an all time low. Last we spoke I asked questions I already knew the answer to. Just to see if he would be honest. He was ready to come correct and be honest. Yeah right. Asking him to be honest is like asking a fish to live out of water. He wasn’t, I presented proof in his face and he still tried to lie his way out of it and then proceed to tell me that he was the victim because of his past and childhood. Denied it even with the evidence in his face. UNBELIEVABLE!!!! What a load of crap. I was abused and mistreated as a child and I KNOW the difference between right and wrong, making good and bad choices. He disgusts me. I don’t feel one shred of pity or sympathy from him. The only reason he is upset because he can no longer manipulate me and mind F#@$ me like he used to. I am no longer in his clutches thank goodness. I just pray I get past the anger and strong dislike I have for him.
Thank you I must be strong I got a text this morning that he is going on a 40 days 40 nights fast. He says God is not playing with him and he knows that he needs to make a change immediately. I’ve heard this many times before over the past two and a half years so I know what I need to do. I will continue to arm and inform myself with as much knowledge as I can to reassure myself and in addition block his number and try my best to maintain no contact. Thank you for your patience kind words and Support.
You know this is bullshit right? Even if he believes his own bullshit you don’t have to
Yes I know…trust me I know. Lol
Positivegirl, here’s my chance to run. You called it yesterday. 🙂 the BS.. The 40 day 40 night fast didn’t last 24 hrs. My ex and I briefly spoke today. I kept calling him on untruths. He became frustrated screaming and yelling in the phone that the devil was using me to ruin his fast and that he would take this journey of being a new creature with or without me. He hung up in my face then preceded to blame him hanging up due to my nonesense knowing he had a stressful day due to clients and friends not respecting that he was on a spiritual cleanse. Everything is always about HIM. I added to his stress and prevented him from focusing on bettering himself and he didn’t need it. As usual not taking ownership for his actions. He will pout and give me the silent treatment for a week maybe even a month because it my fault I called him on lies he told me today. Deep down I cried to my friend and told her I prayed he stayed away this time for sure. It’s a vicious cycle. He was on a spiritual cleanse 3 other times during our relationship but I’m the crazy negative one because I won’t let the past go so we can move forward. I angry at myself because I know he’s full of it, yet it still hurts when he is rude and disrespectful….I’m running now while I have the chance…and I’m considering changing my number before he has a chance to reach out again…its a vicious cycle that has to stop.
You wont let the past go?? Yeah lets say its ok to abuse you and you are the one who is crazy for having NORMAL feelings and emotions right? And as for this ‘spiritual cleanse’ this is bullshit and his way of having space to do his own thing. What a liar.
I know. I’m going to jot down dates and events to serve as a constant reminder so I can not get amnesia and conveniently forget.I’m tired mentally and emotionally. I feel like a shell, all my insides have been removed. Im empty. I have nothing left to give. I’m screaming at my daughter, my dog I’m being mean to my boss. He doesn’t have a pot to Piss in. It was just yesterday he didn’t even have money to buy toilet paper and I bought it for him, then today he easily disrespects me. My bills are paid and I’m doing well.How dare him mistreat me when he has nothing to offer. Im angry at the world and it’s all my fault. I try to hate him, but I’m not that person. You’re right he won’t stop. I’m so tired of the empty promises to change and the excuses. I caught him in lie after lie. It’s exhausting. I don’t think I need therapy after all. I just need a permanent break from him. A sociopath fast/cleanse. I pray he leaves me the hell alone until I can change my number. The disrespect is unreal and its always someone else’s fault. No wonder he can’t keep clients and friends long term. You were right days ago when your said he wasn’t my problem. He isn’t let him find a new supply source. I’m tapped out.
They love the attention. Any attention good or bad they are emotionally mute and can’t really tell the difference.
Only you can stop this. He won’t!!
I just found this site after dating a female sociopath for two years- the information and advice has helped me tremendously already!
I actually thought perhaps I was losing my mind, all I had gone through -and very quickly- having me feel drained emotionally and physically from all the lies, the cheating, the… everything. What a relief it is to simply have an idea of who/what I was dealing with.
No contact was established on my end, but not after a blistering, lengthy outburst (which I later regretted, knowing she didn’t really care). Her last words to me were “I wonder if you really mean those mean things you said.”
Never having an experience like this before, I was naturally dumbfounded by what she would do, and her explanations as to why- but I thought i couldn’t leave her, but I’d had enough after the first year and STILL I stayed with her! It wasn’t until after the final incident that I thought to myself “OH, Crap- I am ADDICTED to this person!!”.
It has been 10 days since, and the strange thing is, it feels simultaneously like an eon and ten minutes has passed.
10 years ago I thought i’d met my soulmate. I already had a child and another followed with him.
On our wedding day he told my first child “I don’t have to be nice to you anymore” and proceeded to terrorize and demean her whenever I wasn’t around.
After becoming involved with him, he told me he was going bankrupt. Huge red flag but I just didn’t see it and for the next few years he was a kept man whilst building his credit rating back up. His ex apparently who he got into debt for always wanted things so he bought them, all her fault.
Soon after we settled into married life he would disappear every weekend “playing sport”. Of course piling on the weight so a sport of drinking mostly. Obsessed with his social life any oppurtunity to be out and not do the family thing he would take it. On occassion he would just not come home and say he forgot his keys or his phone would be switched off. There were so many times and incidents where I knew something was up but if I dared mention it or money he would blow up, become truly vile and in the end I would just walk on egg shells afraid of the confrontation because ignoring it was less painful than taking insult after insult. I couldn’t be close or sleep with him because the mistrust made me physically sick.
The straw that broke the camels back was a few years ago when approaching a big change in my career he would tell everyone who would listen that he was going to take the reins finantially. Earning 30k a year we still didn’t see a penny bar some food shopping and he’d still be short at the end of the months. No holidays, no clothes for the kids etc so I walked before finantially he finished me off.
Unfortunately he has joint custody of second child and is Mr morals, the single super dad to the outside world. I imagine going out of his way to prove what a better person he is than me because it just feels like some crazy competition.
I am anxious all of the time especially at the thought of conflict or seeing him because there is always a sting in his tail, or a snippet of info he will use to rub my nose in it. I know he used to take drugs, he has cheated and lied god knows how many times I should be happy. But, with every puzzle piece that fits together it’s like another punch in the gut. I. was stalked for the first year and then it suddenly stopped. The NW of which is none of my business. I’m glad he has moved on but this no chance of no contact is slowly destroying me.
He has infiltrated my business contacts who he now uses, my collegues, my friends, my family. He is truly the master of manipulation and will stop nowhere to ruin me. Whilst with the NW he is still in every inch of my life and I want it back!
Hi Sadie what you are describing is sociopathic behaviour. They push you away after luring you in 😦
Do you know my heart went out to you reading this comment. He infiltrated my social networks too. Took them as his friends I am sorry you are hurting
So sorry, too. They hijack your friends. And charm their way through life. Mine was bankrupt three times but never told me about the first two all the time wanting me to guarantee a mortgage for him. Lived the heigh life. Nasty to my children (didn’t speak one word to them at my last birthday dinner), refused to buy them birthday presents (though in first year showered them with gifts) and told my son there was no Santa one Christmas Day because there were no presents (I had been in hospital).
OMG that is sick ..my ex faked is daughter was lying almost dying in hospital..
It was all lies he loved to say ‘I swear in your daughters life who does that?
Yes, they damage you. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of me and my soul trampled on. Yet still I can’t be 100 per cent sure he is socio. How is it possible to mimic feelings, make out your are decent while lying all the time? You have previously written about soul wounds. He knew mine. It was that everyone I had ever loved had died. His parting shot (he broke it off because I couldn’t spend all my time with him and he was bored and lonely): see I didn’t die … but best pretend I’m dead anyway. Seriously. Then went into a screaming meltdown when I confronted him about his previous bankruptcies and the fact the current one has been extended because of defaults in his part. NC for two months and it’s been gut wrenching. Why do I still want him?
Because you feel guilty and this is your fault?
Yes, he put the onus of the breakup on me because I wouldn’t/couldn’t buy a house big enough for him and my two children, because I couldn’t go away with him for weekends (my son is still at school), because my children would call me when I was at his house and I would answer the phone and talk to them. He said he wanted a wife and a home life which he didn’t have with me. He wanted someone to go to dinner with his group of friends, yet he never invited me. So yes, I think it’s all my fault. Because everyone thinks he is amazing, kind, funny, charming (beyond your wildest dreams) and generous (always picks up the tab) yet has barely any relationship with his own grown children. Guess there are no Knights in shining armour. Married 2x and says first wife physically abusive; second wife emotionally abusive. I always believed him. Who knows?
And I guess there is addiction. He made himself my main point of contact, calling me 5-8 calls a day, expecting me to drop by every night. Used to say I would have no one to tell my troubles to if not for him. So I became emotionally dependent on him. Oddly, I used to feel very isolated with him on special occasions. It’s still hard.
I didn’t have 5 mins to myself he was constantly on the phone or with me monitoring my every movement. I guess you get used to it and it feels alien when it’s gone (at first)
Omg Poppy, sounds very familiar.
I can count on one hand (sorry, 1 finger) how many times I was invited into his social life and that was apparently to prove he was actually married.
He wanted the family days when it suited, xmas day, kids birthday etc yet the rest of the year not interested in those mundane days and walks out because i’d apparently want to go shopping! I’d have been happy to just go sit under a tree so long as we were just spending time as a family but the excuses were a joke.
He used to make sure he would take my eldest to thier clubs etc and insisted I stay in the warm with the baby only to throw it in our faces later saying he did everything for them. What I have found out since is vile. Pure mental torture which has culminated in having to seek professional help and I will always feel guilty for not facing this sooner than I did but he was so convincing.
Once, randomly I noticed a hotel address on the satnav. Questioned him about it as it was miles away to be told satnavs pick up places nearby. Yup, I fell for that one as I didn’t have the energy to question it further and wanted to believe he wouldn’t have.
I was so over all this, all these random things though are starting to pop up again and I see how dumb I was.
How do you ever escape the constant torment? He doesn’t want me to know about the NW yet told my oldest and swore them to secrecy. He found out I knew as we don’t have secrets and turned it around as though they’re a liar saying they’re just friends. This is probably because he spent the first year telling my friends and family how he would win me back at all costs or never look at another woman again.
I couldn’t give a rats ass about her or the tribe of kids. I’m free. Yet somehow I don’t feel like it.
I was the same Positivagirl. Any friend he got wind of even after meeting them once would be on his f/b acct to add, yet I was rarely involved or had the chance to get to know his friends.
He literally has my old life now job wise, people wise – I agree with what i’ve read, they see someone and the green monster emerges.
He used to get dropped off on another street when coming home or leaving for his socials. He used to say he was ashamed of the old building We lived in. Looking back, I will never truly know why and I don’t think I want to. He has ruined my faith in humanity yet has got up and is carrying on, business as usual to better me in everyway possible. New vehicle, he gets a new vehicle. New job, he gets a new job. It’s like his life mission to destroy me or that’s how it feels. His weakness is anyone thinking bad of him and of course his tiny manhood 🙂
Thankyou so much for this site. I have been reading for a long time and keep coming back because I can relate to so much and so many people here. Thank you for bringing us together and for helping me to see some sense out of this madness.
Thank you Sadie. I know it hurts just how evil and devious they are how they steal lives souls friends anything they can get their hands on. Makes me sick.
Hey Positivagirl
I haven’t been online in awhile. I’ve still been back and forth with the no contact.The good news is I honestly think I’m finally good and tired. My question to you is this. He is begging for me to go with him fie conuseling. He admits he knows something isnt right with him but he really wants to get to the core of his issues. He’s been doing his threats to kill himself for over a week to which I refused to engage or entertain the behavior. It was a special week for me and he wanted to ruin it. My daughter hates him but actually feels sorry for him surprisingly. She thinks I should support him I’m his therapy just as a friend, when mind you I need therapy myself at this point from all the trauma and abuse. What are your thoughts?
*to counseling. .sorry for the typo
Sounds like he is just trying to soften you up neednpeace.
If he knows something isn’t right he is more than capable of taking himself to counseling and sorting himself out.
Mine tried that and then changed his mind when I agreed saying ” I” would just put on an act in front of them.
I didn’t have the energy to put on a pair of trousers with him around let alone an act!
He backed out last year, but he is adamant about going with or without me…..lol..we shall see. He got caught in yet again another lie so I’ve beem ignoring him. He tried playing the victim role blaming his childhood, but that excuse is tired and played out. I’m curious if I did go if the psychiatrist would know he is a Sociopath….he’s a great actor, he truly missed his calling…his tears, falling out, blame shifting and threats of suicide don’t phase me in the least….
Funny that neednpeace, the drama, (crocodile) tears, all exaggerated responses. All too familiar. I used to think they were real, but normal people don’t snap out of things so quickly and change moods. You can’t be crying one minute and jolly the next. Never any responsibility for anything, so yes, blame shifting. I truly used to think mine was hard done by and a victim of two previous bad marriages and countless bad business deals that left him bankrupt three times. He would always run off to a psych after each broken relationship; not sure what the outcome/diagnosis was. But it was never his fault. Very good actor. I can see that now.
Yea Poppy1902 he is the victim of a bad childhood. His lying and cheating are all because he never felt loved or got the attention his other siblings got. He was abused. I experienced abuse however I have never manipulated others or been self centered and cold hearted towards another human being. He is arrogant and cold to others. Very judgemental yet has such a fragile ego. Low self esteem and always needs attention. Yet wants my undying love and devotion regardless to all the terrible things he put me through and still tries to but I won’t allow it. Any big moments for me he tries to sabotage by magnifying his problems or issues to take attention away from me. It’s old and tired. He’s left me drained. Always drama drama drama. And it’s never his fault…never…
Yes big moments don’t go down too well with them. When my mother died mine turned up at the hospital to meet me as I was coming out, drained, upset, teary, and turned on me for something I had said to the nurse a few days beforehand. I still can’t work out why he did that. It was viscous, uncalled for and totally unexpected. Why? Because he was negotiating another bad business deal that day. I would anyways make excuses for him.
*vicious (sorry, typo) and barbed. The time he saw me crying about my mother three weeks after she died, he turned on me again, saying “what’s wrong with you, it’s been three weeks.” I never dared to mention her in front of him again.
Poppy1902 I am so sorry. I too know that type behavior too well. Sounds very familiar to the responses I received after suffered a tragic loss….you should be able to mention your Mom, but I understand why you didnt….they are cold and have no sympathy. Which is why when the smallest thing happened to him such as he didn’t have money to pay a bill he acted as if it was the end of the world…smh
And wanted sympathy 24/7. Called me all day at work…at home whining about his bills, that he would have been able to pay had he not threw his money away on frivilous things he ordered online. Very over dramatic, yet can’t have the capacity to understand or sympathize with someone suffering a loss…if it wasn’t happening to him directly he could care less…sad but true
Or wanted you to offer to pay bills. Mine rang asking me to call pet cemetery for him (his dog died) because he was too busy to return calls. Silly me. They were calling him to pay for cremation. So I gave my CC over phone. $500. He knew full well they were chasing money. Never paid me back. That happened a lot. He paid for meals when we went out but it was always like he was keeping track of what he spent on me in case he needed to call in a favour.
No the paying for meals is deliberate. He Is calculated so he has already worked out that he needs to make some financial investment to make you trust him. This is his cover and his mask. Always he knows that what he spends is far less than what he is going to gain from you. It makes you feel obliged to help him after all he has paid for you, right?
Oh gosh positivagirl, I just keep rereading your comment about paying for meals all being calculated for his gain. I can’t believe I spent so much time with someone so cunning. Yes, it did make me feel obligated to him. He just assumed he could ask me for money. So funny, one night he won $150 at casino, gave it to me, then asked me the next day to pay his gardener because he hadn’t been to the bank. I keep having flashbacks to the day he broke up and how nasty he was. Like two different people and yet so much charm to others. Before I even wondered if he might be socio a good friend said my ex was like always wearing a mask – and that’s a description you have used. I am honestly devastated.
Oh yeah all too familiar scenario…sounds like the same guy I was with…smh
Poppy1902
I experienced the same “set up” over and over. My NS would pay for dates or promise to buy certain things for me, but would suddenly have a financial need and expect me to pay or help out Something always happened with his pay check or it was short. Same tired story every month. Funny thing is no matter what I did or how much I spent he would always say he never asked me to do anything for him. He didn’t ask he would just call me all day long whining about how he was going to pay his bills hoping I would eventually give in and offer. Its a game. They figure if they invest a little they will get an even bigger return on you feeling obligated and sympathetic towards their needs. They are very cunning crafty people. One time someone asked me to stop helping and see what he would do. He actually decided he wanted space, only to find out he found a new source to help him, when that source ran out he came right back. Here we are a year later and he still plays the same game. I also learned they may say they are broke but have money. Most times they would just rather spend their money on something they want and use your hard earned money to take care of them. He never paid back money he borrowed and would also say he would if he had it. Yet he always had new shoes, cologne, clothes…but never bought it. He had it, he just wasn’t giving it to me. ANd if he did he would say he needed groceries to eat or I was taking food out of his childs mouth. It was always he bought his clothes or shoes from the thrift store or some ridiculous lie. The lying is endless and so is the manipulation and using. They are leeches/predators. The most true thing Positiviagirl has ever told me and I FINALLY get it. They will NEVER change. My NS wants me to go with him to counseling for support. Yeah not much good counseling will do for him.
You know I’ve posted stuff here and read stuff and still I keeping thinking it can’t be true. How can someone set another person up to be used, lie, cheat, all the while pretending you’re the love of their life. Then discard you like a used dish rag because they’ve found new supply? And that’s what it is. Even before I found this blog I told a friend my ex has disowned me – but for sure he had someone else because he could not stand being alone. Worst torture being alone for him. I feel so betrayed by the sneaky lies, the false smiles, the non-stop I love you every night to the point it would be automatic for him. So horrible.
I know, it is shocking that anyone could deliberately ‘play’ with another persons life. WHy or how they could do that?
Yes, neednpeace, they crave sympathy. Mine played up to everybody. When he broke down in front of me because I had looked up his bankruptcies, he cried he wanted to meet a woman who would “read and rescue” him. That’s what he said. He always wanted pity. Made me feel so bad about looking up his financial record (public data base) that I ended up apologizing and pleading with him to forgive me. Called me an untrustworthy snoop and banned me from coming inside his house in case I went through his drawers. Seriously.
Please the only one untrustworthy was him or he would have been upfront with you about those things. They are master manipulators. Always the victim….
Yes yes, nothing is ever their fault. Will never take responsibility for anything. Always the victim. I finally realised that, but it took years because he had me believe he was always hard done by. And yes, now I remember the ex wife had a life threatening illness, too, when we met. I didn’t question anything.
Positivagirl tells it like it is though…love it…Poppy1902.. mine emailed all weekend and today…he doesn’t feel I love him…everyone, friends and family have abandoned him. He doesn’t have anyone. He wants to just die so he can no longer be a burden. I simply replied he wasn’t the most loveable person. Still a huge liar even up to this very moment…wants me to support him and go to counseling with him…please..at this point I wouldn’t trust him if he gave me the time….he’s ploys for attention, whining about bills and everything else are so tired and old….it’s like a broken record…these things I do know since he’s being so desperate to work things out. His lease is almost up, hus child support has increased and he is about to lose yet another job due to his bad attitude…at safety net I will not be for him. I know all too well once he gets back on his feet, I’ll be discarded..as much as I for some strange reason still care for him. I will not allow him to use me or my resources….never again
Mine has friends he stole my social life he could charm the birds out of the trees
Positivagirl I go back and forth on the no contact. My friend seems to think I thrive off the drama, but I don’t think that’s it…I no longer want to feel wanted, needed or validated by him. I think because we were together almost 3 yrs it’s the familiarity of communicating that I’m having a tough time letting go of…what do you think? I know I don’t want him intimately nor have a desire for him, but there’s still some type of connection. I think I’m slowly weening myself off of him instead of just cutting it off completely. Is this dangerous for me in the long run?
Omg. I have felt the same with that sense of connection and familiarity communicating though I have been NC for two months. So so hard. We were together 8 years. Mine too said stuff about not wanting to be a burden in case he had a stroke. It’s not like he was high risk for stroke. So much drama.
It’s stressful. I waa beginning to have chest pains. I had to chose my peace of mind and sanity. I know eventually he will move on and be someone else’s problem…he always has a backup…this much I know about him…
They are all the same how sad.
Mine loved illness faking his ex was dying of cancer. Now his step father really has cancer he is in his element with attention seeking
Yes I was the same neednpeac but I found the final outcome was always the same. Only difference is you learn the pattern of their crazy behaviour over and over
Positivagirl,
You experienced the fake illnesses also? First his child was in the hospital dying…a lie, then his grandmother was dying…a lie, and let him tell it he is always needing to go to the hospital for some illness (mainly after he has been busted in some lie)…an always needing an ambulance or called an ambulance, but they never seemed to show up (because the call was never made)….and could still look me in the face and want respect after pulling such a silly game repeatedly over the years. Who does that? I told him one day he would really need medical attention and no one would believe him. I’ve learned not to entertain the suicide threats he makes. He eventually cuts out the foolishness once he realizes he no longer has an audience. It actually became more of a turn off. Not very manly behavior if you ask me. I felt more like I had a son then a man. On one hand I’m relieved that I am not with him because I have money in my pocket and more of a sense of peace. However I have to figure out what to do to protect myself in those moments when I miss him (Why I cant tell you) and I make the sad mistake of entertaining a text or email knowing full well what the outcome will be. I will get sucked in, hang on to hope that maybe he gets it and is making strides to change, only to repeat the same vicious cycle I already know too well……I’m certain when I have truly had enough I will run and NEVER look back. That time is fairly close..
Yes I heard his child was in the hospital too a lie. Then his ex easy dying of cancer. Another lie. After that there was illness after illness. It was hard to know what was true and what was the lie. Many times I heard how he needed to go to hospital. Sadly I stopped believing him. Which meant he didn’t get care when he was actually I’ll. It doesn’t get better either. They continue to do it.
That’s it exactly….wow its scary how our experiences are so similar. I’ve warned him he will be like the boy who cried wolf..he will really need help/care and no one will believe a word he says..
Mine mentioned the C word recently. So sad really, still trying to gain sympathy. Oh well, NW can help you through that one now.
Mine is over me in most respects because of NW but just wants to pull my strings like the puppet master he is and see that I don’t move on whilst watching him flourish.
I always was the hired help and bill payer, now i’m just the duty babysitter for his peter pan social life.
Well put sadie
I should take my own advice on this one more often neednpeace but exercise really helps. Even just brisk walking if you don’t already clears out the cob webs and the clouds. It really does make you see things more clearly. I am trying to reconnect with friends and ride out the storm without being beaten by this parasite.
I have been in a 10.5 year relationship with a sociopath and have had many ups and downs. He was a serial cheater throughout our marriage and after I filed for divorce, he made it my fault and that he couldn’t live with someone who didn’t trust him. I admit to email and phone snooping, but he would constantly deny and lie and make me feel crazy. I am a successful business woman with financial success. But dumb, dumb, dumb about my socio.
I am embarrassed over my own weaknesses and insecurities that keep letting him back. He has lived with me( rent free) for three years post divorce and has quit a number of jobs over the last few years. He pays nothing toward living expenses.
I was his second wife and love my stepdaughters dearly. I loved having that family. He still uses the threat of no contact with “his” children when he’s angry.
He tells his new targets he’s only been married once and that he works in manufacturing, as a personal trainer and manages a restaurant ( He is actually a pizza delivery guy). He believes that I should allow him to date without comment because we are divorced. I believe he should be more respectful when he’s living in my house rent free and should move out and date . He keeps saying he will find a place but only takes action after a disagreement that he will make my fault.
And while I am embarrassed to admit this, this weekend I sent an email to his current target asking her to check where he sleeps. Did I do it to warn her or did I do it because I am addicted to this unhealthy relationship and lifestyle? Honestly, its the latter- no noble reason for telling her- their relationship would have fallen apart on its own. I need to take responsibility for my actions and break this cycle. He was so angry over my email to the current target that he threatened he would ruin my life, my career and my relationship with his children if I ever did it again.
I told him he needed to leave the house because our relationship was dysfunctional and unhealthy. He told me to give him time to find a place. He is almost 52 years old with no job, no home and no finances. He has no friends and a sporadic and volatile relationship with is mother. How did I ever doubt he is a socio?
He will not leave until he finds the next target and I need to not panic over him leaving and let him go.. I have to keep that promise to myself. I have to.
I am so ashamed when I read this – but I need to be honest with myself and say it out loud.
I am going to keep reading these posts and start a journal so I can be the person I want to be and let this person out of my life