Sociopath hiding
Sociopaths learn to hide, and that hiding is safe, from an early age. When others are growing up, in perhaps safe environments, and free to be who they truly are, the Sociopath often has a childhood that is linked to abuse and trauma. Hiding behind the screen, was a normal coping mechanism.
As part of my Counselling course training, we had a choice of books to review. For one of the books I chose to review was Families and how to survive them by John Cleese and & Robyn Skynner (1993) Cedar Books
It was probably the most interesting book that I would read throughout my counselling training. The book discusses, how we as human beings are affected by what we see as children. That families, display only so much to the ‘outside world’. The rest was according to Skynner & Cleese ‘hidden behind the screen’.
Learning to hide from an early age
It is said, and also my belief, Psychopaths are born, and Sociopaths are made. What this means, is that Psychopaths are born that way, and would be that way, no matter what their childhood. Sociopaths on the other hand, are apparently born normal, but are shaped in childhood, by abuse, neglect, parental alcoholism, drug abuse, parental infidelity, child hood trauma. Something went wrong.
In childhood, perhaps both parents were not ‘there’ or ‘available’ to the child. Why this affects some children, and they turn into Sociopaths, and not others, I do not know? I know, lots of people had a rough childhood, and didn’t turn into psycho’s. Maybe sociopaths are more sensitive? I really do not know, and I haven’t found anything that offers a definitive answer.
If the work of Cleese and Skynner is accurate, every family lives it’s life with only so much of their lives displayed to the outside world. We choose what we ‘display’, the rest hidden behind the scene, behind the curtain (think of the Wizard of Oz and Dorothy as she pulls back the curtain to see the wizard behind the curtain, nothing like the scene that had been portrayed of him outside).
At the time when I read this book, Social media was not as it is today, and Facebook was not as popular (07/08). My thinking, when reading and reviewing the book, was to think of my own family background. My father was strict, and display to the outside world what he felt was important. To the outside world our family was
- Decent
- Respectful
- Hardworking
- Honest
- Normal
- Private
At least this was the view of our family, that my father liked to give to the outside world.
To have some understanding about this ‘hiding behind the curtain’, look at Facebook today, and what people choose to display to the outside world. People portray their best image. What is displayed is the good
- Success
- Happiness
- Friendship
- Popularity
- Travel
- Adventures
- Family/Friends
- Love
It isn’t really socially acceptable to display much of anything else. Do it for too long and acquaintances often see themselves removed as friends. People don’t feel comfortable, with ‘too much exposure’ to someone that they do not know too well. Of course, the Sociopath thrives on this, at least, with others lives, not their own.
Sociopaths learned at a very early age, that what isn’t displayed, and what is hidden is what brings ‘shame’. People shouldn’t air their dirty linen in public. It is my belief, that Sociopaths in childhood, live in a world where they are ‘shamed’ on a regular basis. From an early age, they are aware that they are not the same as other children. Their family home, is not the same as their friends. So, they learn, from an early age to ‘hide’.
The inner world of the Sociopath – Jealousy, Rage and Shame
Sociopaths are very good at ‘hiding’. They use charisma, and charm, to disarm and manipulate their victims. The victim would not see what was going on behind the curtain. Or what is displayed to you, is very far removed from reality. What a Sociopath is really hiding within, is the deep sense of rage, inner shame and jealousy. Traits that were learned in childhood.
Sociopaths grew up in a world where they felt shame as children. If you look into the childhood of a Sociopath, most of the time, there was abuse, neglect, or some kind of childhood trauma.
In childhood, Sociopaths felt ‘out of control’. In that they had no control over their lives. They had no voice. They certainly had no power, and likely power was ruled over them. When they grew, as they had no control in their childhood, they learned to exert control over others. Exerting control over others, made them NOT feel out of control themselves. What better way to have total control over others, than to hide yourself behind the curtain, while at the same time having total dominance and control over their victim? This was something that the Sociopath NEVER had in childhood.
Witnessing the Narcissistic rage. Should give you some idea of what is really going on behind the screen that they hide behind.
It doesn’t matter how well you get on, the Narcissistic rage, will always periodically surface. They become a different person. This was the only time I was scared of him. I had never seen anybody so angry. Nothing I could do or say would change it. If I tried to leave the room, he would follow me, shouting, ranting and raging. When it was over, he would act like nothing had happened. That I should forget about it. Why am I making a fuss?
The more hidden the Sociopath is with you the less
- He/she is connected to you
- He/she has respect for you
- He/she plans to be with you long term
- Or alternatively if you have been together long term, they are thinking of leaving
Sociopaths do not trust others. Perhaps they learned this at an early age. Perhaps, they know that they cannot be trusted themselves and so they expect others to be untrustworthy.
Perhaps ALL that you knew of the Sociopath in your life, was someone who lied all of the time. Someone who was deceptive, and deceitful. The sociopath is always hiding. Rarely do they trust someone to be themselves. The more that the sociopath hides, the further they are from you.
The Sociopath feels safe when they hide behind the mask
Once you discover who they really are, the sociopath might have some fun trying to dupe and con you further, or have you believe that your viewpoint is wrong.
They hone in on their victims, living off of them, as a life force. It isn’t flattering when a Sociopath attaches his/herself to you. Although, it might feel that way at the time. If you visualise it, what greater sense of control is there? Than to remain hidden behind the screen yourself – while at the same time, pulling the strings, moulding and shaping the latest victim, who is, themselves exposed and standing outside of the screen?
Don’t believe the Sociopath who says that they will now be a ‘good person’ or ‘an honest person’ as they can’t do this. It isn’t who they are. It isn’t where they feel comfortable. They feel comfortable, hiding. They hate that you can be free.
Shame, and forcing others to live under fear of exposure
It reminds me of the film The Witches. Their power, was to hide under the mask of normalcy, looking like normal people. When indeed they were anything but. If you were to see the reality, and just how ugly the person was behind the mask, really you wouldn’t be interested in going there. What you see at the time of Narcissistic rage should give you some idea of how they really think and what they really think of you.
You…. you…. the mouse…. with the ugly witch….. all dressed up in normal clothes. You wouldn’t stand a chance.
As Sociopaths have always spent their lives hiding. This is normal to them, and their family background. They have a sense of ‘disdain’ for those who are able to be free, and to live in honesty, truth, not behind the mask. Visualise the small boy, girl as a child, living the life of shame, and their envy of other children, who had normal family lives. There is further proof of this, when you try to leave the Sociopath, the threats, intimidation, bullying, ruining, smear campaigns, lies about you, anything to ruin your reputation. Just as the Sociopath felt as a child, living in a home, where their own parents were to be ashamed of. The sense of shame that they were made to feel, they project onto you.
Did you ever feel ‘pressure’ from the Sociopath, to be more open, faster, and quicker, than you wanted to be? Or perhaps the need to ‘prove yourself’ to them? Did you notice how it wasn’t really your choice, how much information you disclosed? You were manipulated to disclose. The sociopath does this deliberately, and of course with glee.
They know that they now have the upper hand over you. You see while they are still hiding you are now fully exposed, and this of course, will enable them to play the game with you. To poke you with a stick, and to feel, just as they felt as a child.
The sociopath enjoys exposing you, while remaining hidden themselves. You might not always be aware how they are exposing you, as much of this is done behind your back, while being smiling and ‘supportive’ to your face. Although, they are never really even that, it is all an illusion.
The sociopath loves to ruin, humiliate, and shame. Particularly if they are no longer playing you. They love to make you feel, how they feel deep within, behind the curtain.
The mind of the true Sociopath that lies within.
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Dating a Sociopath 
Great article , as always . I like the curtain analogy of the Wizard of Oz . That’s exactly what its like when you find out .
” things are not always what they seem ,the first appearance decieves many , the intelligence of a few percieves what has carefully been hidden”
– Phaedrus
I think they hide right in front of you. This is the most incredible thing. When you question it, they go to great lengths to cover and make you out to be the irrational one for questioning them.
They also love to point out your faults as if they don’t have any…or to keep the attention from their faults they focus on your biggest one!
Yes or accuse you of something that isn’t true, so you spend time defending yourself – so that their faults go undetected/unnoticed.
They definitely hide right in front of you I just recently ended my relationship with the man I thought was going to be the one for me ! We met online on rsvp he was quick to swoop in and take all of my time and attention and the dates that followed. I was a single mum and was just focused on my girls and had no other man In front of them before and he knew how important that was so of course that is what he played on promising the world, and how we could try to be a family etc… 4 wks went by constant texting, calling, extravagant dates and hints of moving in because he stated I was the one for him he wanted nothing more . I had always been cautious and have never fallen for a sweet talker , I believed him, I let him move in within 2 months of knowing him it was a surprise to my family but I was sure I knew it was right .he was suffering from depression due to a court case he was involved in for 3 yrs present and I felt for him and offered support he decided he needed to go into a mental facility (which I later learned was his 5th stay) so he could be better for us I believed that too. It was then he asked me to marry him and bought me a $35,000 diamond ring and could not wait to put it on my finger the day before he went in, I tried to say it would be better if we waited till he got out but he insisted I now know why .. He had to keep me there …. During the 4 wks apart cracks appeared texting and calling declined , he seemed detached I was shocked how cold he was it devastated me but I stuck by his side as I thought it was his medication … After he came out I found my gut churning looking at things and him differently I cried and he sat next to me and did not touch or say anything to me … I was starting to see that he was emotionless and uncaring so I started to dig… I was able to access his phone and what I found shattered me at the time … He was already married he had a Thai wife an ex prostitute, he was planning on selling my ring and moving out of the house I let him stay in, he was making plans with other girls online to visit them overseas in April once his court was over , messages to friends on girls he wanted to have sex with etc I had no idea he felt this way except the gut feeling I had… I confronted him and sobbed and cried like an idiot and he sat there plain faced and not saying a word accept he doesn’t know why he is like this … No apology but he started doing things around the house buying me things promising everything I felt so betrayed and hurt until, my anger kicked in, I needed to know if he was sincere so I let him stay another 2 wks while I emotionally detached myself from him… I went to work while he stayed home and I left a voice recorder there .. I guess everyone here would already know the outcome of that more lies and deception … So I bagged up his stuff with a friend waited for him to come home from his appointment with my car (he rode his off in one of his impulsive moments) , got the keys before he walked in the door and threw every bag at him and told him where to go and screamed at him that he needs help and he just looked at me blank faced and said I don’t know what I have done LOL… After that there was no contact for 4 wks until now he sends a txt apologizing and how sorry he is … He may have sucked me in once but never again I just feel an overwhelming urge to let people know about him I would hate another person to be hurt like that or stay with this Terrible excuse for a human being
Happy to have a new article from you Positiva! I’ve been reading old blogs like a mad dog the last few days. I went in the archive to read some old thoughts and ideas. Funny how they keep repeating- like so much in life does. I like how this article speaks to me about the dishonesty of hiding. This was a big beef with me, how he could do so many things that you would normally share with your partner ( as god knows I shared almost every detail about my life with him) and yet you get wind of what they are up to and it makes you feel like second hand news! It was a point of contention many times with us, this need on his part to keep so much of his personal life hidden from me. It feels disrespectful but when I protested he would only act is if I am crazy to be so concerned. Set in the anxiety.
I keep thinking how after the discard six weeks ago that he’s been repeating acts done since the first year. Gosh, has he been cheating all this time- me thinks yes, it is probable. I feel really duped but not this last time. I knew ( finally!) what to expect, not to give in too much this time. It’s like I had this website as a special protection around me. But it still doesn’t take away the time I wasted once again and maybe I didn’t relent to him like in times past but it still hurts. Also this time I did not bore my friends too much about it. There is really nothing to say and makes me look all the more psycho in their minds. If I thought the creep really had met someone it doesn’t make ME feel much better knowing he is doing the same gas-lighting and love bombing. It just makes me weary and maybe a bit jealous. Not really because it doesn’t take long for him to expose his true self so if this new person wants to put up with that then that shows what/who they are. Yes I know the implications of what that says/said about ME!
I get these ideas in my head to want to ask certain things on here but I just honestly wanted to type “out loud” my thoughts at this late date. Your other recent post about them coming back, the consensus being they generally do and mine has a dozen times. I always make excuses to “give another chance” but know this cannot be an option anymore. I have had so many crazy break-ups in the past that I never heard from them again, so maybe this time I can just look at it this way. It took a long time to get to this point but so far so good. And as you mentioned many times, you cannot even maintain a casual friendship with these people because of really why would you want to? I used to think it was ok to do because we really did seem to have pretty good times together but it is the way they suddenly freak out that is just too scary to mess with. It is not normal to go into a freak out session in a friendship constantly, much less call someone a friend who does all the awful things these people do. I read in an email about a year ago when I had been NC for many months too, how “I should forgive him because golly gee, no one is perfect and he brings up examples of how other people in my life have done shit to me but I forgave them”, blah blah. I actually replied back that he was a real piece of shit, the others haven’t come close to the crap he dealt me. But hell back then I gave up and went back with him, too! The madness must stop, I must learn to be alone and happy to be where I am. I have so many gifts to be thankful for! You, dear Positiva, and this blog, are my top 10!
Peace!
Edaldude
As usual I read other peoples’ stories and it’s as if they were with the same NPD/Socio/Psycho. Mine is finally leaving me. Moving out. I have pets and can’t easily move out of his house. I have decided to start journaling things and now run pretendguy dot com. Anyone else is welcome to start their own free page on my site. Just email me via the site.
“… If you were to see the reality, and just how ugly the person was behind the mask, really you wouldn’t be interested in going there. What you see at the time of Narcissistic rage should give you some idea of how they really think and what they really think of you.”
Love this …. it’s so true. This is what we have to focus on (sadly) because this is the truth.
Yes sorry Simone I have an email to send back to you. I hope you are doing good!! X
Wonderful post. All the hiding and lying. And because we are not like that, we can’t believe someone who professes to love us or be our friend would treat us like this. That is why I and so many of us ignore the warnings for so long. If someone treats us like shit, they’re shit.
I just feel so sorry for those that have to live this life of shame. It’s so unfair that this is how it really is :((
I totally relate Positiva, to what you say we experience when the S is hiden from us. I was just wondering if they respected the next victim would that make them less hiden and more.
normal?
No … because at first they would tell themselves new start. New beginning. But they get bored. They can’t resist playing with people then ruining them. It is part of who they are. Sick and depraved.
Ain’t that the truth …..
Well ladies, it’s the old story…stop making EXCUSES for male SPATH bad behaviour esp in the early wks/mths of a relationship…something now seems very ODD, after all the full-on attention & special niceties & esp the “too early” declarations of love from him…so trust ur GUT when U have to ask urself the REAL question “Does it FEEL like he’s really INTO me, or not?”
If he’s using mostly txt now and not phonecalls anymore…maybe, NOT! And what is with the STONEWALLING…coz, U know he’s not that busy…certainly, didn’t stop him before – whether he was at work, or not…he could throw a quick txt back, even if it was just during his lunchtime. Now, he’s not responding for days. U don’t haunt him – not wanting to seem needy…BUT, it doesn’t add up…WHY? Coz, there IS a reason. He’s a player & a LIAR…and at most, a full misogynist…u’r just a PELT on a BELT to a sociopath
I agree. Believe me if a sociopath wants you they will hunt you down and you can’t get rid of them.
This is sadly so true.
So true…you can’t get rid of them. They are incessant ~ truly disturbed and disturbing individuals. Likened to a pesky fly. The only way to rid him is for me to be cold and unbending and continue to pretend as if I too have no conscience and to remain unreachable/unavailable in every way…creating a real & stubborn barrier ~ where he has no option except to fall of due to boredom exhaustion. I’ve flipped the table on him offering him exactly what he offers me…absolutely nothing.So far it’s working.
AND, it weren’t because U weren’t attractive…U WERE, not just physically but as a person.Yeah, they may f**k anything if they are desperate….but, they prefer to bed attraction, it gives them EGO. If anything U get from a sociopath…U WERE attractive…& keep that in mind as U pull away. There are better men out there…don’t fear them after a SOCOPATH.
Thanks postivagirl….whether U realise it or not…U GIVE inspiration to ppl been hurt & I guess – U get them over their trauma faster. Not all ppl have alot of REAL friends around they truly think they can trust…such is modern life…sometimes they feel lost. Well, I think U help break that barrier. ThanksX
Well again I will say…NEVER make anyone a PRIORITY…that’s making U an option…simple!
I’ve had luck by thinking of them as a separate species, one that has some of our qualities but none of the important ones. Once I realized that they do not have the capacity to love, have friends (they have associates), feel sorrow or remorse, and most importantly to feel joy and contentment, I was able to wrap my head around the idea that THEY CAN’T BE FIXED! It’s genetically impossible, then I was able to quit recalling every lie, deception, accusation, avoidance etc. It would be like trying to build a brick house with only cardboard as a building material. No matter how hard you try, it’s never going to get built, much less out of brick. At that point I began to accept the truth about their faults and deficits and start looking at what I needed to do for myself, rather than continuing to validate that his actions and statements were truly those of a S. I don’t hate him, I don’t feel sorry for him, I simply know that we are not the same species and I prefer to make a life with someone who experiences all of the emotions that we humans do, not just programmed rage and revenge for entertainment because they are bored. Remember, you were attractive to your S because YOU possessed all of the traits and emotions that they lack and some part of them needed to prove that “you aren’t so hot”. If you weren’t so hot, they would have just kept moving toward another target. Learn to take your strength as a huge compliment and remember that you wouldn’t reach out and try to pet a coiled rattlesnake-you have better sense. Just avoid them like the plague.
Yes …. it doesn’t matter how much you understand them, they can’t be fixed. They do this behaviour deliberately because they can, because they want to. That is different to most other mental health conditions. It is deliberate just to fulfil their needs whatever that might be.
They are separate ppl, Susan…see my comment on the archive of 1st May 2015 when a sociopath came out as Positiv was pointing out how they abuse social media with their LIES. They are reptiles & care nothing! Even reptiles are NOT callous.
And I have a brother with frontal lobe damage from a serious truck hit as a 4yo child….he’s now in his 50s…he still struggles with connection BUT unlike a sociopath (esp those I met, in high work CEO positions)…he does have feeling & real like for women…but, it is hard for him to know right from wrong. He can lie to try save his skin coz he fears getting into ‘imaginary’ trouble…but, he is NOT calculating with deceit, as a juvenile sociopath. He has now settled with one woman than be told by stupid (untrained) carer males yrs ago he can go after all he wants. He is an Elvis fan & told it was OK to have girls, girls, girls…it got him nowhere but heartbreak.
I also know Asperger’s & have had some arse sociopaths try to convince me that could be their problem like my ex-husband calling me out-of-the-blue after 13 yrs (who used me to get in my country…then was gone within 6mths) to try tell me such crap & how he wanted to change himself coz his relationships were failing….extremely wealthy thru his philanthrophy BS esp using Red Cross…& now starting a polyamory CULT on millions of dollar land he got from ppl donations. When I asked what HE donates to charity…apparently, it’s only $AUS 2000 a year…haha, I thought….f**k Cornucopia P/L.
Asperger’s definitely have feelings….definitely show care & definitely continue to do so…as my car mechanic down-to-earth – highly woman respecting ex-hsemate Asperger’s male friend said to me once: Is he acting like an arsehole….then he IS an arsehole…simple! It couldn’t have been more clear.
My matter-of-fact ex-hsemate Asperger friend (who didn’t know he was Asperger at the time until he had kids much later)…told me something else. His horrible father that abandoned his mother & sister when really young…turned up to him after 20yrs+ & my friend gave him a job. I asked him why he would do that…he simply told me…U only get ONE father….it’s how U’d want him to be – so, treat him as such. His father disappeared again after 6-12mths…but, his comment always stuck with me.
My dad was mean & horrible…ex-army to Korea…I held a distance after my mum died when I was 13yo…he had been brutual & most of my mother’s family despised him. I moved away but he still had my ABI brother…only coz no-one in the family wanted to care for my ABI brother…they sent him back. And that’s why, I still chose to see my father coz he had that custody on my brother & I decided to treat him differently after talking to my Asperger Friend…I finally decided to treat him as the DAD I always wanted, than fear him. I knew I was now independent…so I gave him a cuddle when I said goodbye, when I had to depart. I gave him a kiss on the cheek & I meant it. Sure, he pulled away at first…then surprisingly, he DID change. The last 3yrs of his life…showed a completely different man…& showed a different thing to me. I thank my Asperger’s friend for letting me try that.
I don’t know if my father was sociopathic or just hardened by hard times….he always sorta treated women a bit misogynistically…like possessions…. but, I know who I see as SOCIOPATHS now…& I know they have never experienced what my dad had been thru…they are just self-serving arseholes who treat women as SHIT!
They treat everyone like shit. For some reason male sociopaths seem to particularly despise women. I have always thought that their issues relate to issues with their mother.
My controlling ex used to call me ‘mummy’ sometimes as a weird joke. I never understood it but he seemed to regress back to a child, when he said it. in a childish voice. He was near 60 and I was 14 years younger. His mum was much nicer than his dad, she’d been controlled by his dad most of her life. she was a hospital chaplin and housewife mother. I’ve also never had children never a mother figure to my ex. So that was very weird indeed. Love your forum I used to come on here years ago in 2014 etc. Blessings and strength love peace light to you all. (dragonfly, Livvy)
This is a very good article, Positivagirl, very revealing. I was astonished by the reaction of my SP’s parents (especially his Father, a nasty bully, very self-righteous) when my SP died. They told all their friends that he died in his sleep. In complete denial of everything he was. The ultimate mask – not a generational thing, but a lifetime of hiding the truth. His Fathers denial prevented his downtrodden wife from getting the support and comfort she needed. He didn’t care about that, he only cared about how they appeared to the world. He did the same to me when I was desperate for help with his son, denying that he had a problem and blaming me, even though they knew full well that he had been an alcoholic for years and had hidden him in their house for weeks when he had had to leave the US as he couldn’t function. It’s clear now why the SP showed a different face to suit the situation, why he lied all the time. He feared the wrath and disapproval of his Father, even as an adult. Maybe the traits were inherited, maybe learned. Maybe a bit of both. But HIDING is at the core of it, so thank you again for shining a light on the psychology of what we have had to deal with.
Lana x
Thank you Lana, I think the ability to hide and learning this skill and that it is the right way to be, is key with sociopaths. I remember a sociopath commenter here once said how he was better at hiding than we were at looking for it. Me Thomas wrote her book ” hiding in plain sight”. I had previously asked about childhood and parents of sociopaths by running polls with victims. Almost always the story was the same.
I don’t understand the more hidden they are to you the less they respect you or have no intention of sticking around? I have known a sociopath for a long time and understand everything j have ever read apart from that. Also why are they so jealous of the people who they have had long term ‘relationships’ with. It seems to me they can take or leave a few of their ‘encounters’ but the ones who have put up with their shit for so long they seem to stick to like a leech! Why not just let us move on and then he can move onto his next victim! Knowing what I know of him he’s got loads to choose from! Unless most people he’s always ran back to during a ‘break’ have realised what he is and were fortunate to only have him in their lives for a few off weeks here and there! I wish I was on of that number now!
Haha. I’m diagnosed with ASPD (Sociopathy) and I have to say, this website makes sociopaths seem utterly evil. Yes, there are moronic sociopaths with low intelligence and therefore– don’t know how to control their impulses as well as find themselves in situations that leave the rest of us looking like monsters. I DO love certain people– i’m not emotionless. But my love is a different form of love than a normal person, and even though I may not feel “love” in a sense necessarily, I do show my parents, for example, that I “love” them by my actions. Sociopaths aren’t predatory.
Sociopaths are not wolves in sheep’s clothing milling about the herd looking for the weak lost little lamb. They are people that have developed a coping mechanism for dealing with trauma, abuse, neglect, and things of that nature. Due to those experiences they create an armor of sorts that protects them from further harm from that influence.
In doing so their experience with emotions become blunted and disconnected. This is survival, not convenience. They usually have trigger points that if tripped can bring about a reaction that may be out of proportion to the situation at hand.
They can be high functioning, (intelligent, calmer, impulse controls in place) or lower functioning, (lower intelligence, aggressive acting out, and difficulty with impulse control). However, none of this removes their capability to be nice. They can be very nice, and genuinely so at that. Being nice isn’t inherently a manipulation for them. They either are, or they aren’t. Just like with a neurotypical person. I do have lying compulsions, many times writing this I felt the need to lie “just because”. But this is an honest response.
Best of luck.
I have written on numerous times that you are intelligent, in fact, I think that without the normal range of emotions that you have the advantage over someone who does have emotions, as emotions can hold back your cold calculating mind. Just the fact that you write that you ‘felt the need to lie….just because’….. that, the compulsion, need to lie, manipulate and deceive others. Is this not ‘evil?’
Lying in and of itself isn’t evil. In fact quite a lot of social interactions RELY upon lying to the person you’re talking to. However there is a difference between lying and trying to manipulate out of sadism rather than practicality or a protective instinct. I’m a high functioning autistic person, who has been formally diagnosed, who has a mask similar to what a sociopath has but I don’t harm people maliciously. My mask is ultimately supported by lies. I’m fairly certain I couldn’t make it function without lying. Am I evil for lying and manipulating people into liking me and not judging me based on my suppressed symptoms just because a lot of my persona is a lie?
If I am honest, I really do not know how to lie, it is something I am very uncomfortable with. On the other side, I can get into trouble for being too honest. I say how I feel. This doesn’t always go down too well.
To me, lying is bad. As you deny the other person the ability to make an accurate judgement based upon the truth. It is misleading. It is valuing your own needs over another. You need to ask why you feel the need to lie, and realise the impact that lying can do to another. Lying to someone is emotional abuse.
I’ve got a form of high functioning autism and I rarely lie. i’m lousy at lying anyway. If I did try to lie, I would be caught out. Its best not to lie as it deceives and hurts people, I always wanted to treat people right and be treated right myself, like the old bible saying, do unto others as you want others to do unto you. Guess theres different forms of autism and aspergers but its all on a spectrum, different levels of.
That’s cleared things up for me now . Thanks
Psychopathy is a spectrum.W hile most of us are not serial killers the unaducated masses would treat us as such based on the huge stigma that accompanies personality disorders. Just saying.
Socialpath: Him or me?
1. He is cheap. Often ignored the money he owed me when I mentioned it to him.
2. He cares for no one’s time – he spent great amount of time at any service desk regardless if the server is pretty or not. He just annoyingly asking non sense questions and wasting time. I asked him why he did that knowing there is a queue behind him. He said he doesn’t care. It seems like he wants to show the women how smart he is. When confronted he dissed at me and walked away because I was over reacted.
3. Always late and change time on me all the time.
4. He’s annoying – all about himself. In love with himself. Thinking him as a special – super smart person; complain that no one gets him, only smart people get him. But when I said “you are a smart person!” – he will be like “I’m not smart!” to make sure I’d say it again to assure him.
5. Loves to give advises but jealous and hated when people succeed by applying his advises. Worries that they are now going to be better than him.
6. Constant talking about him taking dumps and how his body digests food. Obsess with his body of how it functions. Always exaggerated of how big his dumps were sometimes he described it as big as a baby and how many time per day. Gross!
7. He stinks, nasty toe nails. Poor personal hygiene. Doesn’t take shower often enough. Masked bad breaths by smeared toothpaste instead of brushing.
8. Does yoga everyday but stiff as wood. No smooth moments. Always tightness in the body.
9. He’s just weird – always acts weird, always being odd.
10. Cried at movies but seem off beat. Teared up for no reason and seem faked. I couldn’t relate.
11. Insecure – Always brags about how much money he has. How smart he is. Mirror my saying about when I can retire and said it back to me but making it all his.
12. Claimed he had a lot of sex. But my experience with him was good at first but drastic later – boring! Always said that I’m so powerful in bed but he when I caught him staring at me during sex it was more like he was watching and observing me then actually trying to emotionally connect with me through the eyes.
13. Doesn’t like his job and the people at his work but won’t do a thing to change to adapt to new environment. He’s a CFO but nobody seems to respect him at his position. He’s insecure around people at his level. He feels threaten and disrespectful by them.
14. Phoniness – fake charm – overly friendly but lack of sincerity. Everything is fake fake fake when come to emotions, sincerity. Fake about liking pets, fake with kids. He would say “I love you” to his nephews and expected them to say it back. They never did and he would force them by repeatedly said “I LOVE YOU” to them, they just ran off. So awkward when that happened.
15. Every “not about him” conversation turns stale real quick with him and he tuned you out. Displayed slump posture and shown uninterested. He stated that he gets bored easily because of what he thinks were small talks.
16. No behavior control – Uncontrolled out bursts – easily agitated – quick to get angry.
a. Scream on top of lung in the middle of the night because the toilet been flushed twice and keeping him from falling asleep and when I dropped a gift box instead of worry if I fell.
b. Scream on top of lung at his 9 yrs. old nephew when he tried opening the door for him while a bee buzzed around him “OPEN THE DOOR DOMINIC”! Embarrassing!
17. I cried when he screamed at me – and when I looked up at him looking for comfort I was always greeted with the empty coldness in his eyes and his motionless body. Feel like I just hit a stone wall.
18. When I explain to him why I feel that way (upset/mad) he’d calmly admit what I said was right but offer no apology or even said “I don’t know what to say!” in response.
19. Constantly creating hostile environment – I always feels like walking on egg shell around his house. Watched my every move, making me feel small, not worthy. I told him so and he said he didn’t mean to make me feel that way. I just leave his place to free myself when that happened.
20. Taking me to see his friends and family and I always got this worry/sorry look from at least one of them. He treated me like his trophy as I make him looks good in everyone eyes. After that he would be very sweet with me like a reward.
21. Slow in responding to calls/texts but don’t like it when I do it to him. Accusing me of wanting to break up with him if I didn’t response to him in time as he expected. When confronted, he said that’s who he is and it’s ok but that’s not who I am so it’s not ok for me to do it. He hated it because I mirrored him on this.
22. I feel suffocated every time I was with him, away or at home, and I always wanted to leave so I can breathe.
23. He doesn’t like it when I expressed my opinions about his behavior or his sister’s behavior. His respond was “you are observing and analyzing and then you stated your opinions!”
24. He can turn on his charm and turn it off whenever he feels like. I always feel the hot and cold with him from the get go. Especially when he was lying – he will be very sweet and charming.
25. He’s willing to travel distant for his friend to somewhat not so important events – and people don’t seem to care if he is there or not but when I invite him to my event he will always have excuses.
26. He feels uncomfortable among peers at his level but arrogant/cocky within his own environment or with people he thinks below his level.
27. He hates his mother and sisters. Complaint that they always ignored him in the pass and now. He said no one in his family talk to him about anything and he’s dying to be included. He hated his mother for neglecting him when he was a child. Abandoned him when taken him out on activities.
28. Reacted angrily when he feels like he’s being rejected by walk out on you while you are out in public places.
29. I can never feel comfortable to say the words “I love you” to him, I never did. Couldn’t completely emotionally connect with him for some reason so I just didn’t say it.
30. Lies – lots of small little lies and cover ups just like a kid. Super sweet when pulling off a lie but got bizarre and angry when confronted and completely disconnect from me.
a. The obvious lie was telling me about a girlfriend visiting from NYC for the weekend which changed to a cousin when I asked him about it later that same day.
b. Ignored my calls during her present and called back when she was not around.
c. Got angry when I asked about the missed calls by screamed on the phone “WTF, YOU CALLED EVERY 20MINS. SO FUCKING RUDE!” and clicked! Puff! Gone! That was a 3 mins argument.
d. The fact was when I asked him why he didn’t answer my calls for two hours while he insisted that I called him every 20mins within an hour and a half. Usually, I don’t call/txt him every day, sometimes once a day and never had until that day. He knows it was urgent because he texted at the 3rd hour to tell me he’ll call in 15 and the actual call came 35mins later. When he called he was extremely sweet and out of character then got angry when I asked him a simple question.
31. He’s vengeance – if he thinks you caused him to lose his sunglasses, he’ll purposely leave your car door open overnight to get back at you. When I asked if he knows he left my car door opened, he just brushed it off like – the squirrels …it’s the squirrels, they have done it. Something childish like that!
32. He spits on rabbits if he runs into them on the street. He torture insects (bee) by disabled them and let them wiggle while he went to work and check back on them later. Acts like he loves pets when he sees them out walking but the phoniness in his action was far more obvious. Just didn’t seem sincere.
33. He thinks all pets and kids loved him, respect as he’s their leader. He’s the boss of them all. Always play favoritism with the kids when he gets the chance.
34. Afraid of falling. Not afraid of heights. Bailed on the hiking trip if he thinks it’s too steep and he could fall.
35. Treats his properties like precious but have no problem trashing yours. House, car, etc.
36. Extremely secretive. Never leave his phone and it’s always in vibrating/silent mode.
37. Very calculated. Provoke evilness but play it very nice. Pretentious!
38. Talked me into threesome fantasy almost every time he spots a white or Asian woman regardless of shape, size, or character. I told him: “I can’t figure out what’s your type of women? You seem to lust over with just anything walks on two legs. You don’t have a standard. You are like a pig!” He didn’t like that.
39. All of his relationships were broken on his term. When he decided it’s time to end, he said.
40. Claimed to be a great listener and a very understanding person. Sometimes I feel like he’s threatening me by saying “I heard what you said!” or “I’m a good listener!” He loves telling all the women that he’s a good listener! He wanted me to talk to him about my problems but I don’t have much to tell him.
41. When in company with another female he will completely turned his body toward her and engaged in what seem to be very deep conversation while I sat beside him and completely being ignored by him. Everyone he taken the time to talk to IS a very intelligent person in his mind, else he wouldn’t waste his time talking to them.
42. He won’t hear what you say during the conversation. Won’t stop to answer your questions during any type of conversation. It seems like whatever he has to say at that moment is very important and cannot be interrupted. Example: He wanted people to ask how his trip was and got upset if no one asks and complain about it. Then someone asked “So how was your trip?” he will totally ignore the question and went on to complain how no one cares to ask. Or a convo about his cousin. He went on and on about how the cousin’s relationship fall apart but ignored questions like, how old is he? Where does he leave now? Are they still together? And when pressed he just said he didn’t hear the questions.
43. I feel like he’s mirroring my actions/reactions/my speech and display them back to me when he thinks it’s appropriate.
44. He gets extremely loud when he’s excited about something. Like he was excited and that’s how he expresses it. He would mimic the officer on the loud speaker by talking LOUDLY into his cuffed hands: “THIS IS OFFICER….PLEASE MOVE YOUR CAR…” very childish and annoying. He listens and dances to Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez music especially on their break up songs. I feel like he’s forever stuck in his teenage year of 15-16.
Hi, Well he sounds a like my ex bf in a lot of ways eg wanting all the attention and mimicking the police officer, my ex was very good at mimicking and wanted everyone to laugh at his jokes etc. And flying into rages etc and empty cold calculating eyes on you sometimes. Other times he tried to put emotion into his eyes and they did look happy or warm but only temporarily. But mine was well dressed and kept clean, showered a lot, good personal hygiene, took care of his appearance all the time. Towards the end, I did notice that he didn’t shower as much as didn’t want to make an effort for me and he was getting tired from trying to control me all the time & his anger rages that went on for 6 or more hours long into the early morning made us both tired.
1. He is cheap. Often ignored the money he owed me when I mentioned it to him.
2. He cares for no one’s time – he spent great amount of time at any service desk regardless if the server is pretty or not. He just annoyingly asking non sense questions and wasting time. I asked him why he did that knowing there is a queue behind him. He said he doesn’t care. It seems like he wants to show the women how smart he is. When confronted he dissed at me and walked away because I was over reacted.
3. Always late and change time on me all the time.
4. He’s annoying – all about himself. In love with himself. Thinking him as a special – super smart person; complain that no one gets him, only smart people get him. But when I said “you are a smart person!” – he will be like “I’m not smart!” to make sure I’d say it again to assure him.
5. Loves to give advises but jealous and hated when people succeed by applying his advises. Worries that they are now going to be better than him.
6. Constant talking about him taking dumps and how his body digests food. Obsess with his body of how it functions. Always exaggerated of how big his dumps were sometimes he described it as big as a baby and how many time per day. Gross!
7. He stinks, nasty toe nails. Poor personal hygiene. Doesn’t take shower often enough. Masked bad breaths by smeared toothpaste instead of brushing.
8. Does yoga everyday but stiff as wood. No smooth moments. Always tightness in the body.
9. He’s just weird – always acts weird, always being odd.
10. Cried at movies but seem off beat. Tear up for no reason and seem faked. I couldn’t relate.
11. Insecure – Always brags about how much money he has. How smart he is. Mirror my saying about when I can retire and said it back to me but making it all his.
12. Claimed he had a lot of sex. But my experience with him was good at first but drastic later – boring! Always said that I’m so powerful in bed but he when I caught him staring at me during sex it was more like he was watching and observing me then actually trying to emotionally connect with me through the eyes.
13. Doesn’t like his job and the people at his work but won’t do a thing to change to adapt to new environment. He’s a CFO but nobody seems to respect him at his position. He’s insecure around people at his level. He feels threaten and disrespectful by them.
14. Phoniness – fake charm – overly friendly but lack of sincerity. Everything is fake fake fake when come to emotions, sincerity. Fake about liking pets, fake with kids. He would say “I love you” to his nephews and expected them to say it back. They never did and he would force them by repeatedly said “I LOVE YOU” to them, they just ran off. So awkward when that happened.
15. Every “not about him” conversation turns stale real quick with him and he tuned you out. Displayed slump posture and shown uninterested. He stated that he gets bored easily because of what he thinks were small talks.
16. No behavior control – Uncontrolled out bursts – easily agitated – quick to get angry.
a. Scream on top of lung in the middle of the night because the toilet been flushed twice and keeping him from falling asleep and when I dropped a gift box instead of worry if I fell.
b. Scream on top of lung at his 9 yrs. old nephew when he tried opening the door for him while a bee buzzed around him “OPEN THE DOOR DOMINIC”! Embarrassing!
17. I cried when he screamed at me – and when I looked up at him looking for comfort I was always greeted with the empty coldness in his eyes and his motionless body. Feel like I just hit a stone wall.
18. When I explain to him why I feel that way (upset/mad) he’d calmly admit what I said was right but offer no apology or even said “I don’t know what to say!” in response.
19. Constantly creating hostile environment – I always feels like walking on egg shell around his house. Watched my every move, making me feel small, not worthy. I told him so and he said he didn’t mean to make me feel that way. I just leave his place to free myself when that happened.
20. Taking me to see his friends and family and I always got this worry/sorry look from at least one of them. He treated me like his trophy as I make him looks good in everyone eyes. After that he would be very sweet with me like a reward.
21. Slow in responding to calls/texts but don’t like it when I do it to him. Accusing me of wanting to break up with him if I didn’t response to him in time as he expected. When confronted, he said that’s who he is and it’s ok but that’s not who I am so it’s not ok for me to do it. He hated it because I mirrored him on this.
22. I feel suffocated every time I was with him, away or at home, and I always wanted to leave so I can breathe.
23. He doesn’t like it when I expressed my opinions about his behavior or his sister’s behavior. His respond was “you are observing and analyzing and then you stated your opinions!”
24. He can turn on his charm and turn it off whenever he feels like. I always feel the hot and cold with him from the get go. Especially when he was lying – he will be very sweet and charming.
25. He’s willing to travel distant for his friend to somewhat not so important events – and people don’t seem to care if he is there or not but when I invite him to my event he will always have excuses.
26. He feels uncomfortable among peers at his level but arrogant/cocky within his own environment or with people he thinks below his level.
27. He hates his mother and sisters. Complaint that they always ignored him in the pass and now. He said no one in his family talk to him about anything and he’s dying to be included. He hated his mother for neglecting him when he was a child. Abandoned him when taken him out on activities.
28. Reacted angrily when he feels like he’s being rejected by walk out on you while you are out in public places.
29. I can never feel comfortable to say the words “I love you” to him, I never did. Couldn’t completely emotionally connect with him for some reason so I just didn’t say it.
30. Lies – lots of small little lies and cover ups just like a kid. Super sweet when pulling off a lie but got bizarre and angry when confronted and completely disconnect from me.
a. The obvious lie was telling me about a girlfriend visiting from NYC for the weekend which changed to a cousin when I asked him about it later that same day.
b. Ignored my calls during her present and called back when she was not around.
c. Got angry when I asked about the missed calls by screamed on the phone “WTF, YOU CALLED EVERY 20MINS. SO FUCKING RUDE!” and clicked! Puff! Gone! That was a 3 mins argument.
d. The fact was when I asked him why he didn’t answer my calls for two hours while he insisted that I called him every 20mins within an hour and a half. Usually, I don’t call/txt him every day, sometimes once a day and never had until that day. He knows it was urgent because he texted at the 3rd hour to tell me he’ll call in 15 and the actual call came 35mins later. When he called he was extremely sweet and out of character then got angry when I asked him a simple question.
31. He’s vengeance – if he thinks you caused him to lose his sunglasses, he’ll purposely leave your car door open overnight to get back at you. When I asked if he knows he left my car door opened, he just brushed it off like – the squirrels …it’s the squirrels, they have done it. Something childish like that!
32. He spits on rabbits if he runs into them on the street. He torture insects (bee) by disabled them and let them wiggle while he went to work and check back on them later. Acts like he loves pets when he sees them out walking but the phoniness in his action was far more obvious. Just didn’t seem sincere.
33. He thinks all pets and kids loved him, respect as he’s their leader. He’s the boss of them all. Always play favoritism with the kids when he gets the chance.
34. Afraid of falling. Not afraid of heights. Bailed on the hiking trip if he thinks it’s too steep and he could fall.
35. Treats his properties like precious but have no problem trashing yours. House, car, etc.
36. Extremely secretive. Never leave his phone and it’s always in vibrating/silent mode.
37. Very calculated. Provoke evilness but play it very nice. Pretentious!
38. Talked me into threesome fantasy almost every time he spots a white or Asian woman regardless of shape, size, or character. I told him: “I can’t figure out what’s your type of women? You seem to lust over with just anything walks on two legs. You don’t have a standard. You are like a pig!” He didn’t like that.
39. All of his relationships were broken on his term. When he decided it’s time to end, he said.
40. Claimed to be a great listener and a very understanding person. Sometimes I feel like he’s threatening me by saying “I heard what you said!” or “I’m a good listener!” He loves telling all the women that he’s a good listener! He wanted me to talk to him about my problems but I don’t have much to tell him.
41. When in company with another female he will completely turned his body toward her and engaged in what seem to be very deep conversation while I sat beside him and completely being ignored by him. Everyone he taken the time to talk to IS a very intelligent person in his mind, else he wouldn’t waste his time talking to them.
42. He won’t hear what you say during the conversation. Won’t stop to answer your questions during any type of conversation. It seems like whatever he has to say at that moment is very important and cannot be interrupted. Example: He wanted people to ask how his trip was and got upset if no one asks and complain about it. Then someone asked “So how was your trip?” he will totally ignore the question and went on to complain how no one cares to ask. Or a convo about his cousin. He went on and on about how the cousin’s relationship fall apart but ignored questions like, how old is he? Where does he leave now? Are they still together? And when pressed he just said he didn’t hear the questions.
43. I feel like he’s mirroring my actions/reactions/my speech and display them back to me when he thinks it’s appropriate.
44. He gets extremely loud when he’s excited about something. Like he was excited and that’s how he expresses it. He would mimic the officer on the loud speaker by talking LOUDLY into his cuffed hands: “THIS IS OFFICER….PLEASE MOVE YOUR CAR…” very childish and annoying. He listens and dances to Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez music especially on their break up songs. I feel like he’s forever stuck in his teenage year of 15-16.
The psychopath / sociopath is very secure in their behaviour hence there is no hope for those mixed up with them.
I attempted to discuss the psychotic rages, I saw 3 in three months at the end. I was swiftly blamed for triggering the final one, next he claimed amnesia, then complete denial of how violent these were.
I know he knows how dreadful he is, but he simply moves on to offend again with a fresh target. Knowing you are abusive but doing nothing about it is, justifying the abuse and distraction from accountability is why they are so dangerous.
Mine told me he compartmentalises, that he ‘felt like a fake’ so raged me out of his life. Keeps telling me he has changed etc.
Not all people with shame or abusive parents become disordered, his brothers are not at all like this and they were also abused.