Quitting a Socio/Psychopath is a two fold affair. You need to not only do the physical act of No Contact, in a sense, that part is easy, there is also the psychological act of quitting. That part, particularly after you have been brainwashed, can be more problematic and difficult.
It is very much like quitting smoking. You have to 1. Do the actual act of stopping smoking, (the habit) 2. Then overcome the psychological addiction. Truthfully, nicotine addiction is only meant to be 3 days. But – people suffer for a long time afterwards. Some people suffer more than others.
I have quit smoking for 90 days now. This time, was the final time quitting for me. I just didn’t WANT to smoke anymore. Yes, those thoughts do still creep into my head, but I wasn’t telling myself that I was actually MISSING anything.
Sociopaths are very good at planting seeds in your head, and ‘head managing’ you. Telling you what to think. They install and reinforce beliefs into your head, which you might not even think yourself. Tell you the same message enough, and repeatedly you will eventually start to believe this message.
When you have quit from the sociopath, implementing a No Contact rule, is only part of the process. The other part has to be
1. A willingness to WANT to quit
2. An Ability to see WHY this relationship is BAD for you
3. A vision of how and why your life is BETTER without them
4. To look at your abuser in a realistic way – not through rose coloured glasses
Many people quit smoking, and are very strong in the beginning. They know exactly WHY they are quitting, and their quit is strong. They are NEVER going back to smoking again, they tell themselves. Perhaps a bit like the person quitting an abuser, in the beginning WHY you are quitting, is obvious, it is bad for
– Your finances
– Your appearance
– Your social standing
– Your freedom
– Your psychology
Once you have been quit for a while, perhaps a month, or often by three months, something happens in the brain, you can forget the bad, the very reason why you quit that person. You quit them because they were bad for you. OR they quit you….. because they were bad for you!
Three months down the line you might forget these reasons. Or you might feel weaker as an individual. You might not have moved on as you had hoped you would. Or you might feel that you ‘need’ your abuser. Some people experience Stockholm Syndrome, or Trauma Bonding towards their abuser.
DON’T GO BACK – WRITE A LIST OF LOSSES AND WHY!
Your list will be your helpful friend. Write a list as soon as you can, WHY you are doing no contact, this will help you to stick to no contact and not break it.
Also follow yourself, and your own intuition. Remember that EVERYBODY is an individual. You must do what is right for YOU. For some people, they need to place their hands in the fire a number of times and get burned a number of times, before they get the message. THIS HURTS. Or for others, they can cut off contact, and move on with their lives.
You might have (and probably were) lied to by the sociopath, and sold the ‘dream’ that they would ‘help’ you. If you are truthful with yourself now, just HOW many of your problems were created, deliberately BY them?
Sociopaths target people. They ruin people. Please, do not think that they are with someone who is BETTER than you. They don’t see people like this. At least not long term they don’t. Simply because they get bored. They get bored of people, situations, they have to
– Create a drama
– Cause trouble
– Play games
– Lie, Manipulate and Deceive
Do you really think that they had a personality transplant? Believe me, if they are REALLY a Sociopath, the same person WILL emerge with the next person. Even if they believe themselves that they won’t. They will repeat the cycle of behaviour over again. They might have something new, that isn’t broken. But they will break their new toy, just as they have broken all their toys in the past.
I am sure that the Sociopath’s will at this come out in force and protest – but – you know I am right!
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36 thoughts on “Quitting the Sociopath, Psychopath or Narcissist is the easy part. Why implementing No Contact rule is only part of the recovery process!”
Thank you for this post! I dated a sociopath for four years. One of the most difficult things is that most people have no idea what I am going through. I am a strong, intelligent person and he used me and deceived me utterly without me knowing or suspecting. He manipulated me in subtle ways. It is truly hard to get over what he did to me, and the idea of trusting someone again is so terrifying!
Hi, I am sorry that this has happened to you. It is tough. I know that I felt stupid. But you are not stupid, these people are expert. They will use ANYBODY to get what they want, and use them for what they can get from them for as long as possible. I am sorry that he hurt you, took your innocence, ability to trust, and changed your view of the world and the people that reside within it. It is hard to get over. I don’t think it is ‘just go no contact and feel better’. Just like you don’t just ‘quit smoking and feel better’. It doesn’t work like that. Just as nicotine is an addiction and works on your brain. So are they, deliberately creating addiction…. dependency…. Not everyone is like him. Thankfully. While I think society as a whole is getting sicker, more selfish, arrogant, greedy etc… there are good people out there. focus on you first. By doing this you won’t allow someone else to damage you.
It’s so hard to explain to anyone. I have told a couple of people I was emotionally abused but it means nothing to them unless they have experienced it themselves. It sounds ridiculous to say he put me down or he called me names or undermined my confidence it almost sounds childlike. I also feel like a total fool and ashamed of letting him do this to me. Worst of all I tried to explain to his new victim and she doesn’t believe he will do it to her! She is just like I was – besotted, he is still using his charms as he has not yet secured his feet under the table so he is on his best behaviour. I still sometimes feel like I miss him and that I would like us to be friends, that’s how damaged I am! He even manipulated her into reporting me to the police for harassment because I sent her messages and emails containing information about sociopaths so she could recognise it when it started. He was desperate to stop me exposing the truth. What kind of a person trys to get someone they claimed to love in trouble with the law? I wish karma would get a move on and show him for what he is to his new friends. I just don’t want them to think they are happy for years and then spilt up. I don’t want them to have the fun of planning weddings and babies etc, I want it to blow up now.
I completely know how you feel. Luckily the girl in my situation believed me (because she thought I was his cousin…that’s what he told her). But he is onto a new girl now, and I thought about warning her, but I am not going to follow him around. I feel bad for her and I see her as a victim too, but I need to move on with my life as well. He lied to me from the beginning of our relationship and made me believe that he was someone he wasn’t. That’s how he reeled me in and then one by one the story fell apart. Nothing was true. Sociopaths are good at what they do. They are good at determining what their victims tolerate and what the line is. The emotional violation is so devastating. Like you, I wish karma would slap him in the face as well, but I realize that I need to not focus my life on him. I need karma to bring ME good things. I know that my ex will get whatever girl he wants because he is so charming. But I also know that he will destroy that girl in the end. I feel bad for the girl, but I saved myself and the girl he cheated on me with from him, and I think I have done my duty. It’s time to forget him and move on. It’s easier said that done. I think of him every day. But then I think about what I deserve and it is not him.
I totally understand exactly what you are going thru. I dated one 10 yrs ago and I’m still hurting from the lie, betrayAL and manipulation and can’t trust anyone. Yet he’s very happily living his life with a wife and kids and progressed so much in life cheating people.
So wrong isn’t it.
Me too I hope karma gets them all , I know they won’t feel as we do but it would give us some justice . I also warned the next girl let her no he is a sociopath, she didn’t believe me she gave up everything to be with him and move abroad with him only to come back couple of months later . I blocked him on everything but he still found a way to contact even now , I noticed on his fb a new woman saying nice comments on his pics I wanted to tell her so much I’ve since noticed there not friends now obviously she was the next victim . They will always keep repeating even if they do stay for years they will always have others and our life wouldn’t be how we thought . And we deserve so much better than a life that’s a lie . Guess we have all had a lucky escapes but it so hard , cos like you say Claire sometimes I still want to just be with him the person I knew . If only he existed ay! Its so hard to move on but I thank god for this site and all you , it helps so much ❤ I hope with all my heart you can all move on , that we all do ❤
Me too Claire hope everyone finds them out soon and knows what we know , cos we sound the crazy ones when we try to explain . Positive girl it is so like an addiction that you just can’t shake off , it drives me crazy and no one really understands ….so thank you for this site x
Thank you for these articles. I just got out of a relationship with someone who is someone I believe to be a sociopath for a year and a half. I am left feeling lost and used and confused as I was constantly lied to over and over again. I finally had to catch him in the lie.. In the ACT before I could believe myself. How horrible they feeling is when someone convinces you that you’re crazy or making things up. Telling everyone else that you’re a terrible person. Alienating you from everyone. Keeping me separated from other women in his life. Not having friends and not liking my friends. And then doing this fake crying when caught in a lie (even though they were adamant that they weren’t lying). He even said he feels like he wears a mask when he’s out in public. I’ve never had someone make me, myself, feel so psychotic. Finally having proof and catching the person IN the lie was the only way I was able to believe what was reality and finally let go.
You have what I have written in an entire blog in a paragraph!! Thank you !
Thank YOU! I don’t know how I would be getting through this without a website like this to explain that I am ok. That I am not a monster and that I am not broken. That he is. Thank you so much for this place to understand everything better.
No you are not a monster, even if he has made you feel like that. This is HIS illusion not yours, that illusion belongs to him, not you.
Getting regular exercise and eating healthy have helped me both in quitting smoking (9 months smoke-free) and recovering from my ex (a year loser-free). Just take recovery day by day and if you slip up, don’t get too down on yourself, just get back on track.
Also, in regards to those who feel jealous of their ex’s new “great” relationship. I’ll tell you what a good friend told me: “You’re dwelling on his charm and the fun times he’s supposedly having with this new woman but you have to finish the story. Imagine him treating her in the same ways he treated you that led to your breakup. Because THAT is exactly what he will do with her.”
These guys put on their best dress and smile, wait for you to swallow the hook, and then the mask comes off. It’s all fallacy. We only get one shot at life, don’t waste anymore time on these losers.
Yay love this. And love that you are a year loser free too!! Well done!! May as well quit all that is bad for you at the same time 🙂
I have had no contact one year 4 months now. It has been hard but i have gone through the pyschologically cutting free from him. Yes i am aware that they will abuse all their victims systematically like they always have. They cannot change as they do not have the ability to learn from their mistakes like normal people. Yes he is still trying to make contact in every form possible. I have moved house and he cannot find me. Only thing he gets is our daughters report card then he puts the whole report with her name and school address on one of his many facebooks. Crazy or what !
On this fb he also has many you g girls on it who are underage. He has a history with underage girls. Think he is a secret paedophile too but just goes with grown woman so they can support him.
You should report him anon if he is pursuing younger girls. …. 😦 creepy fxkuer
My theory is they pursue younger girls because they are more naive and aren’t as resilient to men’s BS like older women are. Easier prey. More eager for that attention. But it could just be a pedo thing too. Who knows.
Yes because they like to control, and they can mould and shape them. Anyone who is easy to control is good for them. They interview, test and check prior to committing too!
Thankyou positiva for yet another perfectly timed article for my life. I Waa dumped by my ex sp 6 mths ago after a 4.5 yrs relationship where we promised marriage, said I love you many times a day, texted and called many times a day, saw each other every day. I found out he lied about his name, his work, his divorce and then found him cheating online many times.
So he ended it with me 3 mths after he started with his current gf. They are madly in love and it kills me that he does the exact same things we used to do.
In ending things he told me he wants to stay friends, that we would stay in contact etc. He never contacted me again except the first few days – guilt maybe. I on the other hand text him every week. He ignores me. Recently told me its ok if I contact him.once in a while. I’ve continued to break nc and I’m so ashamed. I so desperately want that closeness we had initially.
This has been the hardest thing to get over. But I determined to!!!
This site has helped me tremendously as I was married to a sociopath for over ten years. Over that time he stripped me of my dignity, self respect, stole over 300K dollars from refinancing my home which I owned prior to us marrying, taking money from bank accounts, 401K’s etc. He moved me from an area where I had a very good job and 6 weeks after I relocated to a totally different state, he filed for a divorce and left me penniless with no means of supporting myself. That was 15 months ago and I am still trying to get back on my feet. You are so right when you say that people don’t understand why you still want to have contact with them, but they make you feel like you are the most beautiful woman on earth. My husband would send me flowers at the office every week and would walk into the beauty shop when I was getting my hair or my nails done and would pay for whatever I was having done and the other women would be so jealous and say “I wish my husband was like yours, you are so lucky”. He used my credit to purchase cars and then they were repossessed. He misfiled my taxes intentionally so that we would get big refunds back and now the IRS is coming after me for owning taxes. He was a CFO of companies so I trusted him because he was my husband and I thought he had our best interest at heart but he was a scam artist. He even stole from his employers but he knew how much money he could skim off the top without being prosecuted because of the money it would cost his employers to go after him. Instead of prosecuting him, they just forced him to resign. I always wondered why he could never keep a job for longer than 18 months and now I know. My divorce was final at the end of January and to this day I miss him dearly but I have had no contact with him since January 2014. Even during the divorce we never saw each other due to living in different states. You guys are so right when you say Karma will get them. I am a Christian and I know it’s not right to pray for evil to fall on another person, but even my Mother wishes this man a very so painful death by way of his high blood pressure, diabetes and bone cancer, all of which he has gotten over the years. I believe all of this has been brought on himself by his lifestyle. Lying and cheating people has a way of catching up to you. I at least have my health and I am getting my life put back together, even if it has taken longer than I thought it would.
Oh Patti, what a sad story of loss, betrayal, heartache – and just ugh!! I can so related. It can be difficult to comprehend that someone can do this to your life – deliberately!! That is what I struggle with the most – how he did it DELIBERATELY! I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Sounds awful! Hugs x
Thank you and As I said, this site has helped me so much. I have screamed and cried more than I care to admit but it’s all part of the healing process.
Yes it is. It takes time. Also, I bet that you learn more about yourself in this process, and being HONEST with yourself in this process… than you ever have been before for all of your life.
The most important lesson learned is to not be so passive in a relationship! I will question everything and ask “Why” a whole lot more and not just let things happen because someone says “trust me”.
I don’t know how No Contact can work for everyone. I know that contact is crazy-making and pretty much useless but what to do when they have stolen things you need to move on. What about people with children together (not me but I know someone with kids and ex SP making her life hell)? I wish so much that we could use our knowledge in the legal system, to be able to project from our minds-eye for a room full of people what the truth is so that a judge can just look and see and grant us No Contact while also making sure they cannot in any way control us anymore.
No contact is what I want. I am so over this guy, for sure (this site has been very helpful to me! More helpful than anything else ever!) I am fine moving on now. It has been almost 6 weeks since discard but I’m stuck needing the things he stole.
I have started filing to get legal help but I don’t know how long it will take, in the mean time much suffering is happening and I can’t do anything but wait for court.
currently he is on a ruining campaign. He won’t stop and he won’t listen to any kind of reason. I’ve wondered why if he discarded me and there is no way we will be together,why is he still playing games and keeping me hanging? Why don’t they want it over when it’s over? He has complete control outside of court to easily, and very very easily in my opinion, end this completely. It will take an extremely small effort on his part but instead, dozens of others have to be involved and time and money spent!? It is absolutely insane. I have no ability to understand how anyone can act this way. None.
I’m back again to try No Contact, while he goes around trying to destroy me to people in my life, past and present and while he threatens me and my kids and livelihood. Today is day 1. Yesterday I tried again to get him to just him and I end this ourselves…all I got back was utter insanity and nothing at all to do with subject at hand! I have to give up on him. I know it…its just so hard for me to believe anyone is as crazy as he is. His mind…I almost feel sorry for him having to live with himself (almost…😉).
I have another appointment next week with my support and legal aid. Hoping it will be productive enough that I won’t be back on square 1 again.
& Yay Positiva, congrats on quitting smoking!
Do not waste your time trying to get anything back from him as that is one way of his trying to control you. Nothing he has could be more important than your health and sanity. I wasted thousands of dollars trying to get material possessions back and all he did was laugh in my face and say “you’ll get nothing”. I tried to press charges of theft by deception, adultary and abandonment and got no where with the court systems. I would tell you with kids involved your best to file a PFA against him. Good Luck! Do Not Contact Him. I told myself mine was dead and that’s the only way I was able to talk myself into leaving him alone.
Hi Patti, exact same response for me! “Nothing” is one of his favourite words.
So amazing how they are cookie cutter copies, these people!
I’ve had to internally let go of some things (my beloved dog’s ashes.. For one, I doubt I’ll ever get them back and he intentionally stole them to use against me!) but my home is not something I can walk away from so I have to go to court to get it transferred to me, he took the papers and is using that against me too (going to “sell it for a dollar” or put in his bankruptcy…) I wish I could just walk away now and I will as soon as the home is secured.
I know what you mean about the crying and I think now that it is in fact the destruction I’m crying over. I was good to him and didn’t/don’t deserve this at all and it hurts my soul that someone who could say over and over (key word, “say”) how much he loves and needs and wants me could just go ahead and try to destroy my entire life, just because he feels like it. I don’t believe I am crying over him, nothing that I told myself I loved about him is even true so it can’t be him.
This is him…what I see right now is the true him and it is nothing to love or cry about.
I am truly sad that we all have these stories. None of us deserve this. I wish I could pass out magic wands to everyone! If I had any though, he’d probably have them now anyways! Ugh!
Freyja, I too had to fight for a home that I had owned for two years prior to even meeting “Him”. He thought he was entitled to half of the equity when he fact he refinanced it not once but twice and walked off with $100K . He was able to do that because we were married. The laws just suck sometimes. Absolutely fight for your home. I will keep you in my prayers.
Yes they are takers, not givers and if they do give, it is for a reason, and almost always so that they can get more from you in return for their minimum investment.
Thank you Patti 💗 And I wish all the best for you.
Omg, maybe I’ve been dating one all along. He too has ruined me financially and with the IRS, he isolated me, and sucked the life out of me. I was a caregiver for over a year to my late husband of 27 years and this man has left me in a worse emotional state. This man (sp?) has me into deep debt. Since first meeting him I have been diagnosed with severe Narcolepsy and cannot drive or work. I lived with him for about a year. He asked me to leave and go back home after my ilnness. I was penniless, but when he asked me to come back I refused. Whenever he does call he finds reasons to get upset with me(stupid reasons) and hangs up. I have been reluctant to break up, because of what he owes me. Thank you for shedding some light because 3 days ago I finally said I CANNOT do this anymore and I cannot stay in this relationship because nothing is worth my health and sanity! I finally got the courage to tell him how I felt and goodbye, because I could no longer take the mind games. He is driving me into a emotional breakdown. He answered me by saying that “I’m” not the same person he first met, so I asked does this mean you never want to see me again? He still would not commit to us going our separate ways. I am going to do my best not to answer his calls/texts today.
Thank you for posting!
Dear Kathy, I am so pleased that you found us, and found our site. Welcome.
You are right in what you are thinking and feeling, he is doing exactly what you think, deliberately -to control you. They like to focus on people who are weak, and the bereaved are a good target, particularly those who have money from an insurance payout, or are likely to get some money. They pertain to help you through grieving, when really they are using you for what you can get. Once they have drained you of everything they then act out and act up, so that YOU make the decision to get rid of them, as you cant stand it anymore. See – https://datingasociopath.com/2013/10/13/the-sociopath-exit-strategy/ and also see…..this post talks about religious abuse – but it was written about an abuser that attached to someone who was bereaved and the impact that has https://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/23/sociopaths-and-faking-religious-connection-to-abuse/
Another thing that helped me was a big calendar on the wall and every day that I had no contact with him I would put some type of pretty sticker on that date! Positive reinforcement, no matter how small, really helps. Eventually I was able to go weeks at a time with out trying to contact him. It has been since January 4th 2014 and I still think of him and cry sometimes. But I am not sure if I am crying over him or the total destruction he caused in my life.
Yes rewarding yourself is key and essential.
…the house is mine but because of my extreme social anxiety, I trusted him to do the paper work for me. Thankfully I have lots of proof of the whole transaction (my money, our emails discussing, his mails sending me papers I needed to see etc.). It’s in his name though. Since we lived together 5 years and are considered common law married, we are entitled to half of everything acquired during the relationship too. This is only a mobile and not worth a lot ( we were using it as an investment, renovate and sell type thing…of course he is a broke lazy ass so nothing much even got done!), so as long as he wants to keep the car and all the other things he has (of equal value) I feel confident I’ll get the house.
I don’t know…how it will end. Right now I’m just in hoping and wishing stage!
I came upon this site today when I have been realizing over the past month that my partner is a sociopath. Today when I began reading this site from beginning to end I related it to my life and felt… Hollow. When you start to realize that you have no idea what parts of the last two years were true. There are many differences between my relationship and what is described here, especially her making me happy at every point I became miserable by her actions. I’m trying to figure out the point when I truly became worthless to her and when she stopped trying to even fake that she loved me.
I’m not ready to share my whole story as everything is very new and very painful. I am trying to adhere to No Contact even if it starts today and I take it one day at a time. We have been addicted to each other through the fights and lies and manipulation. But I’m trying now to stay away for good.